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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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So if you're watching this
'cause you saw my other Netflix specials
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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and I talked about having depression
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and you wanted to support
a fellow traveler,
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I have some terrible news.
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- I feel pretty great.
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It's hard to know
how to start these specials,
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so I've been trying to incorporate AI.
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So... So every day, I go on that ChatGPT
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and I type in,
"opening line for a comedy show."
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Anyhow, tonight's opening line is...
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"Good evening, pussies."
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Isn't that weird?
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That's a trillion dollars
in deep learning.
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It's every book ever published,
every speech. That's what they gave me.
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I was like, "Are you sure?"
"Say it, pussy." I was like, "Okay."
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So what kind of people are you?
Are you crypto people?
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Yeah, I'm sitting crypto out,
and maybe I'm blowing it.
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People go, "Where are you putting
your money?" The bank. Shut up.
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I've just-- I've never rooted against
a currency before, you know what I mean?
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I've never been like, "Fuck pesos!"
I don't--
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My issue with crypto
is everyone who told me about crypto
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had never spoken
about finances before, ever.
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It's like,
"Weren't you a DJ three weeks ago?"
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"Why are you telling me?"
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I was talking to my buddy. He's like,
"Bro, you'll make sick returns."
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I was like, "Never speak to me
this way about money."
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Social media makes everybody think
they have to be cool.
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Certain people, I don't want cool.
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I don't want a cool finance guy,
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I don't want a cool lawyer,
I don't want a cool doctor.
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I don't want my doctor to be like,
"Bro, I saw your X-rays."
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"They were so sketch."
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- Like, I don't want...
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I have important things in my life.
You know who I want in charge of 'em?
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Dorks. Here's who I want in charge
of my important things.
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Oily skin, bad clothing, no eye contact.
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Just a touch of Asperger's. Just a touch.
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Salt Bae, but it's Asperger's.
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But I get why... why guys fell for crypto.
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And let's be clear, it was all guys.
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Women don't take financial risks,
women take emotional risks.
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Women will be like, "No, I didn't invest
in Bitcoin, but I am dating a drummer."
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"He's basically separated."
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Yeah, the guys fell for crypto
on social media,
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'cause there are these dudes
on the guys' algorithm,
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uh, that are like hustle-preneurs.
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They're all about grinding and hustling,
and they're, like, personal trainers.
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I call 'em "the clappers" 'cause
they start all their posts like this.
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{\an8}- 'Sup, guys?
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Hey, if you're under 30,
I just have to let you know,
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no one's ever clapped
and said anything great
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in the history of the Earth.
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JFK wasn't like...
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{\an8}"Ask not what your country
can do for you."
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{\an8}Martin Luther King wasn't like...
"I had a dream, my guy."
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{\an8}-"Please like and subscribe."
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{\an8}"To hear more about my dreams,
support my Patreon."
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I was following
one of these clapper dudes, right?
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I was hate-following.
It doesn't make a difference, but, uh...
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They all think they're like werewolves.
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They're like,
"I guess I'm just built different."
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- Um...
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They always have, like,
this special system
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that doesn't even make sense,
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{\an8}where they'll be like,
"See, I got a millionaire mindset."
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{\an8}"I'll let you in on something I'm doing.
I just bought five used cars."
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{\an8}"I'm gassing them up myself,
leasing them out to Uber drivers..."
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{\an8}"I can't lose money on this."
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Then of course gas prices skyrocket.
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Next time I see the guy,
he's making a video from the gas station,
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{\an8}"This system sucks."
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Yeah, dumbass,
'cause ExxonMobil been on that...
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millionaire mindset...
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...since 1881.
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So that's... that's guys' social media.
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And then women's social media,
it's just a lot of beautiful underdogs...
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...that's a part of something very dramatic.
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The entire world's against them.
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{\an8}They'll be like,
"When I began my journey..."
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They're all on journeys.
All of them are on journeys.
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{\an8}They're like, "When I began my journey,
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{\an8}no one believed in me."
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That's what these girls don't understand.
It's not that no one believes in you.
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No one gives a shit about anything
anyone is doing but themselves.
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No one's thinking about you,
no one's going to bed at night like,
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"You know who'll never open a business?
That bitch Jessica. Goodnight."
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Yeah.
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I'm on social media a lot, unfortunately.
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And I was dating a model.
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I was fo-- I was following a model.
And, uh...
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Models love trying
to normalize themselves.
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{\an8}They're like, "I know what it's like
to be a regular person,
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{\an8}'cause I went through an awkward phase
in grade school."
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So condescending. "I know what it's like
to be a regular person."
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"I went through an awkward phase..."
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That'd be like me going up to an amputee
and being like,
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"I know what you're going through, pal,
'cause my foot falls asleep sometimes."
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"So I get it.
Same-same, same-same, same-same."
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Yeah, it's all very pseudo-spiritual.
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A lot of talking about the ancestors.
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{\an8}"We need to pray to the ancestors."
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{\an8}"We need to ask the ancestors
for guidance."
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If you're Black, or Brown, or Indigenous,
go ahead and pray to your ancestors.
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White people, do not pray
to your ancestors
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under any circumstances.
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All of my ancestors were toothless,
Irish, illiterate alcoholic maniacs
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from a very different time
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who I cannot rely on
for any guidance whatsoever.
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I could say, "I'm having a hard time
with my girlfriend. What do I do?"
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Just be like, "Lock her in the shed!"
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"Push her off a cliff
and blame it on the wind."
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"It works every time."
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"Boy-o."
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Yeah, they love talking
about the ancestors
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on the girls' algorithm.
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And you know what word they love using?
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- The T-word.
Ugh.
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You know-- Oh, she gets it.
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You know what T-word I'm talking about.
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Trauma...
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Aaah...
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I know you may be thinking,
"Neal, it's hypocritical of you
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to criticize women
talking about trauma in public."
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Yeah, good point.
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But when I talk about trauma,
it's different.
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It's on Netflix, goddamn it.
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Yeah, but again, some of these girls
are full of shit. You know they are.
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This can't all be trauma.
Everything's trauma to them.
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They'll be like, "I had so much trauma
today at Starbucks."
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"I was literally shaking."
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Well, you're addicted to Adderall,
so that checks out.
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Also, ladies, if you can talk about it
on social media,
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probably not trauma!
Just letting you know.
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Trauma's a physical thing. Physical thing.
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Not a vibe, a physical thing
that happened to you
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that's so jarring to your body and spirit
that you don't know how to process it,
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let alone post about it on social media
with captions and music.
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Like, a good example of trauma
would be, uh...
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World War II.
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Our great-grandfathers fought
in World War II, never mentioned it once.
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They didn't come back and be like,
"So I was just in Germany."
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"It was not okay."
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"I stormed the beaches at Normandy,
I literally died."
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"You guys, turns out, one of my triggers?"
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"Triggers."
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"Also, can I just say,
kind of a controversial opinion,
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but Hitler? Toxic."
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It's surprising, 'cause I did not see
the trauma flexing coming.
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What's even more surprising to me
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is that the culture of social media spread
to people that aren't even on it.
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I was talking to my buddy,
he said, "You need to focus on gratitude."
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I was like, "Goodbye."
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Another buddy was like,
"You need to check your entitlement."
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I was like, "I'm gonna call you
right back." You're blocked forever.
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I'm not talking like this.
I'm not doing this with my friends.
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He goes, "That's what friends are for."
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I was like,
"No, that's what grandparents are for."
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I was talking to somebody today,
and she's like, "I think my kids are dumb,
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'cause my husband's dumb."
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I was like, "Now, this is a friendship
right here."
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You're not really friends with somebody
unless you're both worried
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that if your text messages went public,
you'd both lose your jobs.
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That is a friendship, and you cherish it
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and you nurture it,
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and you should encrypt it, probably.
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By the way, don't get me wrong.
I'm not one of those people who's like,
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"This country's going to hell
in a handbasket."
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"Things used to be better."
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No, a lot of stuff is better now
than it was before.
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My brothers and sisters,
I'm the youngest of ten,
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they would always bring up TV ratings
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as like a barometer of how well
the country was doing.
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They'd be like, "You know,
50 million people used to watch Cheers
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or M*A*S*H or All in the Family."
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Yet the reason 50 million people
watched All in the Family
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is 'cause there was nothing else to do.
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You'd either watch All In the Family
or go stand in the yard.
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- There was nothing you could do.
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Also, TV used-- Are you out of your mind?
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TV's never been better.
It never will be better.
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Like, you know it's good TV
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because we binge-watch.
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That's like a junkie word,
you know what I mean?
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I didn't even realize I was a binger
till fairly recently.
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Like, I was watching Stranger Things
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and I'd watch, like,
a bunch of episodes in a row,
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and then after the third one, like,
that little pop-up window came on.
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Like "New episode in five, four, three..."
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And I was like, "Let's go!
I don't have that kind of time."
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-"Let's go, motherfucker!"
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Skip intro! I don't fucking need a recap.
I just watched three episodes!
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Dude, you know who the fuck I am!
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Things are better.
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We can solve murders now.
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They used to not be able to--
All they had was just the fingerprint dust
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and they were stumped.
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All you had to do was wear gloves
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and you could murder three or four nights
a week, if you wanted to.
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Here's how easy it was to murder.
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Murderers used to write letters
to the newspaper
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for fun!
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Like, "Dear Paper, it's me, the murderer."
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"Things are getting a little boring,
so here's a clue."
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"What has four legs and loves dinner?
A table. See you at the next murder."
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And they'd still get away with it!
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The Zodiac wrote a dozen letters
to the paper,
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and they were just like,
"This guy is some kind of mastermind."
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"He must have worn mittens or something.
I don't know how he's doing this."
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Things are better now.
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People over 40, back me up on this.
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Back me up on how sloppy
and disorganized the world used to be.
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Remember when sunblock began?
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Young people, there was no sunblock.
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There was suntan oil,
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00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:04,724
and then the next week, they were like,
"Hey, that was lube for cancer."
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"Block your whole thing."
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White people were getting scorched,
is my point. We were getting scorched.
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As a white person, you'd go outside.
It was time to come back in
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when you were like,
"Do you smell meat?" It was you.
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And you know who doesn't care?
My Black friends.
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I try to tell my Black friends.
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I'm like, "Dude,
I've gotten second-degree, bubbly burns."
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00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:32,793
White people get skin cancer
30 times more than Black people.
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My Black friends are like,
"Neal, I'm having a hard time
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finding my passion for this."
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You know what I'm starting to realize?
This is going to sound crazy.
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But if you think about it,
the sun is basically the cops
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for white people.
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Think about it.
Following us around everywhere we go,
232
00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:56,734
fucking with us
'cause of the color of our skin,
233
00:12:57,526 --> 00:12:59,570
killing our cousins for no reason.
234
00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:02,114
And when I tell my Black friends
235
00:13:02,114 --> 00:13:04,825
the sun killed my cousin,
they're like, "What was he wearing?"
236
00:13:04,825 --> 00:13:05,868
I'm like, "Goddamn!"
237
00:13:10,706 --> 00:13:11,874
Things are better.
238
00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:14,710
Depression and anxiety are worse,
I'll say that.
239
00:13:15,294 --> 00:13:17,671
And, uh, people blame social media,
or at least try to.
240
00:13:17,671 --> 00:13:20,257
I don't blame social media
for anxiety and depression.
241
00:13:20,257 --> 00:13:22,760
You know what I blame? Documentaries.
242
00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:26,222
Yeah, there's too--
We used to not know anything.
243
00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:29,058
It was great. Once documentaries came out,
244
00:13:29,058 --> 00:13:31,227
we started knowing shit,
our lives got worse.
245
00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:33,187
Before documentaries, we'd say shit like,
246
00:13:33,187 --> 00:13:36,065
"Yeah, the whale wants
to be at SeaWorld. Yeah!"
247
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:43,447
The five scariest words
in the English language are,
248
00:13:43,447 --> 00:13:45,366
"Did you see that documentary?"
249
00:13:46,951 --> 00:13:49,829
Whatever you're doing
is about to be ruined.
250
00:13:50,454 --> 00:13:51,872
I was eating with chopsticks.
251
00:13:51,872 --> 00:13:54,166
My buddy's like,
"Did you see the chopsticks documentary?"
252
00:13:54,166 --> 00:13:56,836
I'm like, "Why? Are they bad
for the environment?"
253
00:13:56,836 --> 00:14:00,506
"Worse than we thought,
pandas are using them to stab each other."
254
00:14:00,506 --> 00:14:02,007
I'm like, "Goddamn it."
255
00:14:04,426 --> 00:14:06,011
Gotta be careful which ones you watch.
256
00:14:06,011 --> 00:14:08,973
I'm vegan 'cause I watched
the wrong goddamn documentary.
257
00:14:10,182 --> 00:14:12,685
A buddy of mine sent me a trailer,
like, "You gotta watch this."
258
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:14,311
I go, "What's it about?" He goes,
259
00:14:14,311 --> 00:14:17,565
"It's a documentary
about how all toothpaste is toxic."
260
00:14:18,274 --> 00:14:21,402
- Like, "Fuck that. I'm not watching that."
261
00:14:21,402 --> 00:14:24,697
I just spent $180 at Costco
to get enough toothpaste
262
00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:28,951
to last five generations of my family.
I'm not throwing it away
263
00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:32,788
'cause some dickhead's like,
"My toothpaste journey will shock you."
264
00:14:35,332 --> 00:14:38,210
I was watching a documentary recently
about advertising.
265
00:14:38,210 --> 00:14:42,882
Do you know that they can't advertise
religion in a lot of countries?
266
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:45,926
I don't know, we're saturated in them.
I don't think they work.
267
00:14:45,926 --> 00:14:49,638
I've never been like,
"Latter-day Saints, tell me more." Like...
268
00:14:50,514 --> 00:14:51,807
I don't think they couldn't work.
269
00:14:51,807 --> 00:14:54,018
I just think they don't work
as currently constructed.
270
00:14:54,018 --> 00:14:57,771
All right, here's how I think they should
make religious commercials that'd work.
271
00:14:57,771 --> 00:15:01,901
You know those... those, uh,
political campaign attack ads, right?
272
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:04,528
During election season,
there'll be those commercials,
273
00:15:04,528 --> 00:15:07,531
it's like black-and-white footage
and an ominous voice-over.
274
00:15:07,531 --> 00:15:10,367
Like, "Steve Jones is
a total piece of shit."
275
00:15:12,953 --> 00:15:16,874
But for LA,
last election for mayor, it got insane.
276
00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:20,628
They were like, "Rick Caruso wants
to make homeless people sex workers."
277
00:15:20,628 --> 00:15:21,545
"What?!"
278
00:15:22,796 --> 00:15:24,298
"I'm listening, go on."
279
00:15:26,842 --> 00:15:29,762
Here's what I think they should do.
I think that's what religions should do.
280
00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:33,057
Make attack ads on each other
for like a month,
281
00:15:33,057 --> 00:15:34,266
and then we vote.
282
00:15:35,434 --> 00:15:38,938
And again, this is--
We're not in the best, you know, climate
283
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:40,356
for religious stuff,
284
00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:43,025
but I think we can...
we can get through this joke.
285
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:47,279
You know what I mean?
286
00:15:48,572 --> 00:15:51,867
Week one, Jewish people make
an attack ad on Christians.
287
00:15:51,867 --> 00:15:53,285
Wait for it.
288
00:15:53,869 --> 00:15:56,163
Christianity only has two holidays a year.
289
00:15:56,163 --> 00:15:58,499
Judaism has tons of holidays.
290
00:15:58,499 --> 00:16:01,126
Sometimes we make them up the day before.
291
00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:05,255
If anyone questions us,
we'll just say they're being anti-Semitic.
292
00:16:06,298 --> 00:16:10,886
Plus, the god at the center
of Christianity, Jesus Christ, was Jewish!
293
00:16:10,886 --> 00:16:13,847
Why pray to a Jew when you can be one?
294
00:16:14,932 --> 00:16:16,600
{\an8}This message was paid for by Judaism
295
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:18,811
{\an8}but honestly we didn't pay,
because we run the network.
296
00:16:26,402 --> 00:16:28,946
It's not a huge applause break,
but you know.
297
00:16:31,532 --> 00:16:34,827
Also, if you're mad
that Jewish people run TV networks,
298
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:36,161
they invented them.
299
00:16:36,161 --> 00:16:38,956
They started the movie business,
then the radio business,
300
00:16:38,956 --> 00:16:41,208
then the TV business.
It's kinda theirs to run.
301
00:16:41,208 --> 00:16:44,670
That would be like complaining,
"The Italians run salami!"
302
00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:49,633
Week two...
303
00:16:51,218 --> 00:16:53,387
Catholics make an attack ad on Muslims.
304
00:16:53,971 --> 00:16:54,847
Hear me out.
305
00:16:56,223 --> 00:16:59,018
I wrote this joke three months ago,
different world.
306
00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:04,898
Muslims have to pray five times a day.
307
00:17:04,898 --> 00:17:07,985
Catholics only have to pray
when it's super important.
308
00:17:10,654 --> 00:17:12,948
Like when they take an STD test.
309
00:17:17,077 --> 00:17:20,581
Plus, Muslims make women wear burkas
that cover up their whole bodies.
310
00:17:20,581 --> 00:17:22,416
Catholicism would never do that.
311
00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:25,711
We teach women shame
the old-fashioned way,
312
00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:27,421
psychologically.
313
00:17:29,173 --> 00:17:31,133
Plus, Islam forbids alcohol.
314
00:17:31,133 --> 00:17:33,552
Catholicism serves that shit at mass.
315
00:17:34,595 --> 00:17:38,265
Catholicism, we'll bring a little booze,
you bring the little boys.
316
00:17:44,146 --> 00:17:46,190
Here we go. Yeah.
317
00:17:47,566 --> 00:17:51,487
Atheism could win, right? The election.
A lot of atheists here, right?
318
00:17:51,487 --> 00:17:53,572
Like, you know, I used to be an atheist,
319
00:17:53,572 --> 00:17:56,742
and then I kept drinking ayahuasca,
and that changed.
320
00:17:58,202 --> 00:18:00,496
God came and got me. Uh...
321
00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:04,291
I could make a hot-ass atheism commercial.
322
00:18:04,291 --> 00:18:06,293
I just need like 15 seconds.
323
00:18:07,127 --> 00:18:08,712
Black screen, white type.
324
00:18:08,712 --> 00:18:11,590
{\an8}You're liberal. You're vegan. You recycle.
325
00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:14,843
{\an8}You believe in diversity,
equity, and inclusion. Come on!
326
00:18:14,843 --> 00:18:18,472
{\an8}You already think you're better
than everyone. Finish the job!
327
00:18:19,306 --> 00:18:20,474
{\an8}Atheism.
328
00:18:27,147 --> 00:18:28,107
Speaking of religion,
329
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:31,110
did you see the Dalai Lama
got in trouble a few months ago?
330
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:34,613
If you don't know the story,
the Dalai Lama, like, made out
331
00:18:35,155 --> 00:18:36,740
with, like, an eight-year-old.
332
00:18:37,491 --> 00:18:40,369
I didn't know he was Catholic.
Did you know he was Catholic?
333
00:18:42,830 --> 00:18:46,875
People get upset when an important
religious figure falls like that.
334
00:18:46,875 --> 00:18:49,962
I didn't feel upset at all.
I felt, like, liberated.
335
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:52,422
I feel like if the Dalai Lama's
a pedophile,
336
00:18:52,422 --> 00:18:55,134
we can probably litter.
You know what I mean?
337
00:18:58,011 --> 00:19:00,055
But I get why people are upset
about the Dalai Lama.
338
00:19:00,055 --> 00:19:04,268
People need leaders, and a lot of leaders
are just worse than they've ever been.
339
00:19:04,268 --> 00:19:08,272
You know, religious leaders are bad,
corporate leaders are bad,
340
00:19:08,272 --> 00:19:10,858
political leaders seem pretty bad.
341
00:19:10,858 --> 00:19:13,443
Doesn't 91 indictments seem like a lot?
342
00:19:13,443 --> 00:19:14,736
Just hypothetically.
343
00:19:15,404 --> 00:19:19,199
Trump got found guilty of sexual assault.
344
00:19:19,825 --> 00:19:20,784
Basically rape.
345
00:19:20,784 --> 00:19:23,912
We're all so numb to it
that we're just like, "Put it on our tab."
346
00:19:23,912 --> 00:19:26,415
"We don't understand
what's happening to our country."
347
00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:32,254
I've totally accepted that Trump
may still win, right? Totally accepted.
348
00:19:32,254 --> 00:19:33,422
As far as I'm concerned,
349
00:19:33,422 --> 00:19:37,551
the next president is either gonna be
Trump from prison or Biden from hospice.
350
00:19:37,551 --> 00:19:39,344
That's just what it's gonna be.
351
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:47,853
He's found guilty of rape, basically.
Isn't that insane?
352
00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:50,689
And I know rape's a tough thing
to bring up at a comedy show.
353
00:19:50,689 --> 00:19:53,025
It's like the Holocaust or slavery.
354
00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:56,528
If you bring it up,
do you trivialize it in a bad way,
355
00:19:56,528 --> 00:19:58,780
or do you reduce it in a good way?
356
00:19:58,780 --> 00:20:02,159
Let's try to reduce rape in a good way.
Ready? I think we can do it.
357
00:20:03,243 --> 00:20:05,287
We never joke about rape
358
00:20:05,287 --> 00:20:09,041
'cause it's the worst thing you can do
to somebody except murder,
359
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:11,627
and we joke about murder constantly.
360
00:20:11,627 --> 00:20:15,714
Dude, if you come to my show
and sit in the front row with your girl,
361
00:20:15,714 --> 00:20:17,257
I'm gonna kill you.
362
00:20:17,257 --> 00:20:20,469
If you wear a beanie to my show,
I'm gonna murder you on sight.
363
00:20:20,469 --> 00:20:23,972
I couldn't have substituted "rape"
in either one of those.
364
00:20:25,849 --> 00:20:27,809
Your dad is never gonna call you
and be like,
365
00:20:27,809 --> 00:20:30,145
"If you're late for Mom's birthday,
I'm gonna rape you."
366
00:20:30,145 --> 00:20:31,355
It's never gonna happen.
367
00:20:34,149 --> 00:20:39,613
Every movie's got kill, death, murder
in the title, in the plot.
368
00:20:39,613 --> 00:20:42,282
You're never going to see
a trailer for John Wick 5,
369
00:20:42,282 --> 00:20:44,243
like, "They raped his dog."
370
00:20:45,869 --> 00:20:48,956
"And now one by one,
he has to rape them back."
371
00:20:52,751 --> 00:20:53,961
I loved Kill Bill.
372
00:20:53,961 --> 00:20:56,421
Did anybody see Rape Bill?
I don't remember.
373
00:20:58,006 --> 00:21:01,218
James Bond, License to Rape.
Who was that? Was that Daniel Craig?
374
00:21:01,802 --> 00:21:04,471
Remember that great song
"Raping Them Softly"?
375
00:21:08,892 --> 00:21:11,520
My friend said
I probably shouldn't do that joke. Eh.
376
00:21:12,187 --> 00:21:13,105
I was like, "How come?"
377
00:21:13,105 --> 00:21:16,275
She goes, "'Cause I think rape
is worse than murder."
378
00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:19,820
I was like, "I know a lot of people
that are recovering from rape."
379
00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:23,657
"I don't know anyone
who's recovered from murder."
380
00:21:23,657 --> 00:21:26,034
All right, one guy, 2,000 years ago,
381
00:21:26,034 --> 00:21:28,870
Jesus Christ, and people will not
shut the fuck up about it.
382
00:21:29,538 --> 00:21:34,626
He was dead, then he was like, "Psych!
Look familiar, motherfucker? Yeah!"
383
00:21:34,626 --> 00:21:36,128
"Should have raped me."
384
00:21:41,591 --> 00:21:46,054
Look, I probably shouldn't do that joke,
but unfortunately, it rapes.
385
00:21:54,438 --> 00:21:58,066
I may have lost you on that.
That's a new thing where, because so many
386
00:21:58,066 --> 00:22:01,153
political and religious
and corporate leaders and journalists
387
00:22:01,153 --> 00:22:02,571
have all sort of fallen, so now,
388
00:22:02,571 --> 00:22:05,699
comedians are held
to this incredibly high standard.
389
00:22:05,699 --> 00:22:08,035
It's so weird. It's so weird!
390
00:22:08,035 --> 00:22:12,331
Like, remember when everybody
was walking around going, "Is Ellen nice?"
391
00:22:13,832 --> 00:22:15,334
Is Ellen DeGeneres nice?
392
00:22:15,334 --> 00:22:18,253
Ellen's one of the funniest people alive.
That's A.
393
00:22:18,253 --> 00:22:20,547
B, she's a gay rights icon.
394
00:22:20,547 --> 00:22:23,133
Came out on TV in the '90s,
395
00:22:23,133 --> 00:22:25,510
got kicked off TV for being gay,
396
00:22:25,510 --> 00:22:28,305
comes back six years later, dominates.
397
00:22:28,305 --> 00:22:31,099
It's an amazing story,
but it's not enough for people.
398
00:22:31,099 --> 00:22:34,686
They're like, "Yeah, but is she nice?"
It's so childish.
399
00:22:34,686 --> 00:22:37,356
It's like being like,
"Is my car also a boat?"
400
00:22:37,356 --> 00:22:41,026
Just appreciate
that you have a car, you baby.
401
00:22:41,026 --> 00:22:42,444
Also, "Is Ellen nice?"
402
00:22:42,444 --> 00:22:45,364
How many nice lesbians
have you ever met in your entire life?
403
00:22:46,656 --> 00:22:49,534
They're never mean,
but they're never bubbly.
404
00:22:50,744 --> 00:22:54,414
They're like public defenders. Like,
"We're going to get you out of here."
405
00:23:01,838 --> 00:23:03,799
I had a handyman doing work at my house.
406
00:23:03,799 --> 00:23:07,177
Not like he was "my handyman,"
I got him off Craigslist,
407
00:23:07,177 --> 00:23:08,887
and he just wasn't that handy.
408
00:23:10,347 --> 00:23:13,725
After a few times coming to my house,
he was like, "You know Kevin Hart?"
409
00:23:13,725 --> 00:23:17,062
I was like, "I know Kevin a little bit."
He goes, "Is he humble?"
410
00:23:19,147 --> 00:23:22,317
I was like, "Jeremy, you're a handyman,
you're not humble."
411
00:23:24,069 --> 00:23:25,612
Why does Kevin have to be?
412
00:23:25,612 --> 00:23:29,699
What you're asking is, "Hey, Neal,
is that 5'3" billionaire humble?"
413
00:23:29,699 --> 00:23:31,076
"What do you think, Jeremy?"
414
00:23:31,076 --> 00:23:35,455
How humble do you think Kevin Hart is
on a scale from Napoleon to Tom Cruise?
415
00:23:37,707 --> 00:23:42,003
"Where do you put little Kevin there
in terms of raw humility?"
416
00:23:44,005 --> 00:23:48,093
Comedians get in trouble all the time
for talking about transgender rights.
417
00:23:48,093 --> 00:23:51,721
How corrupt is the rest of society
that we're talking about a serious issue,
418
00:23:51,721 --> 00:23:54,057
people go, "What do the clowns think?"
419
00:23:54,057 --> 00:23:55,976
Why are you bringing this up?
420
00:23:58,395 --> 00:24:00,605
"Has anyone asked the clowns about it?"
421
00:24:03,316 --> 00:24:07,237
I will say, I have a pretty controversial,
uh, transgender opinion.
422
00:24:07,237 --> 00:24:08,196
You ready?
423
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:11,908
I don't think about them that much.
424
00:24:15,996 --> 00:24:18,415
"Neal, are you a bigot?" Nope, just busy.
425
00:24:20,041 --> 00:24:21,793
I think about transgender people
426
00:24:21,793 --> 00:24:24,838
about as much as I think
about left-handed Filipino people.
427
00:24:26,339 --> 00:24:29,593
I'm not mad at them.
I hope they get everything they need.
428
00:24:29,593 --> 00:24:32,429
If I meet one and they want to shake
with their left hand,
429
00:24:32,429 --> 00:24:36,016
I won't say, "Right hands only!
I don't recognize that hand as a hand."
430
00:24:40,145 --> 00:24:42,022
Joe Rogan gets in trouble all the time.
431
00:24:42,022 --> 00:24:43,482
Joe Rogan, known him 30 years.
432
00:24:43,482 --> 00:24:46,276
Great dude, nice dude, funny dude,
always been nice to me.
433
00:24:46,276 --> 00:24:49,863
He got in trouble during COVID
because he had on anti-vax people,
434
00:24:49,863 --> 00:24:52,741
and when you're talking in public
about medicine and science,
435
00:24:52,741 --> 00:24:54,326
you should hit them back with facts,
436
00:24:54,326 --> 00:24:57,537
whereas Joe was just like,
"That's interesting." Um...
437
00:25:01,082 --> 00:25:04,794
He got in trouble
and then people were boycotting Spotify,
438
00:25:04,794 --> 00:25:07,339
and then Spotify didn't promote him
or demote him.
439
00:25:07,339 --> 00:25:09,007
They were just like, "Ah..."
440
00:25:10,425 --> 00:25:14,888
That was their official
corporate statement. Like, "Ah..."
441
00:25:16,139 --> 00:25:18,016
Be funny if a corporation really stood
442
00:25:18,016 --> 00:25:21,728
by one of their controversial artists
or spokesmen, like, uh...
443
00:25:21,728 --> 00:25:23,563
Like when Jared from Subway...
444
00:25:25,857 --> 00:25:29,069
...got popped. You know what I mean?
If Subway'd been like,
445
00:25:29,069 --> 00:25:31,905
"Yeah, he's a pedophile
but he lost the fucking weight."
446
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:38,078
"We don't know how he burned calories,
that's none of our business."
447
00:25:41,748 --> 00:25:43,500
I'm a bad boy.
448
00:25:47,128 --> 00:25:50,632
The problem with Joe's podcast
is it's too long.
449
00:25:51,216 --> 00:25:54,469
The worst I've ever had to piss
is every time I've done that podcast.
450
00:25:54,469 --> 00:25:57,889
Like, it's amazing.
It's just insanely long.
451
00:25:57,889 --> 00:26:01,059
Of course he's gonna say stuff incorrectly
once in a while.
452
00:26:01,059 --> 00:26:04,187
You ever drive, like,
a four- or five-hour drive, like Vegas?
453
00:26:04,771 --> 00:26:08,066
And by the third hour,
you're just grasping at straws.
454
00:26:08,066 --> 00:26:11,236
Like, "Would you have sex
with Judge Judy? Be honest."
455
00:26:13,572 --> 00:26:14,906
"Like, for charity?"
456
00:26:20,203 --> 00:26:22,289
I gotta say,
it's a weird time to be a comedian.
457
00:26:22,289 --> 00:26:25,542
Every time I pick my phone up,
it's like your friend's in trouble.
458
00:26:25,542 --> 00:26:30,046
Like, "Did Joe Rogan abdicate
his responsibility as a broadcaster?"
459
00:26:30,046 --> 00:26:33,508
"Did Dave Chappelle bring the tackling
on himself with transgender talk?"
460
00:26:33,508 --> 00:26:35,510
I don't know. This shit's all so heavy.
461
00:26:35,510 --> 00:26:39,764
Like, I didn't get into comedy to make
grand moral judgments about my friends.
462
00:26:39,764 --> 00:26:42,892
Got into comedy to jerk off
in front of unsuspecting women.
463
00:26:47,105 --> 00:26:49,858
Now are you going to support me or not?
464
00:26:53,361 --> 00:26:55,030
Did everyone get that one?
465
00:26:58,074 --> 00:26:59,701
Another issue is,
466
00:26:59,701 --> 00:27:02,203
Joe just kept
getting more and more mainstream.
467
00:27:02,203 --> 00:27:05,332
Like, if you had asked me in the year 2004
468
00:27:05,332 --> 00:27:07,876
who the most consequential
political figures in America
469
00:27:07,876 --> 00:27:09,085
would be in 2024,
470
00:27:09,085 --> 00:27:11,004
I would not have said
the host of The Apprentice
471
00:27:11,004 --> 00:27:12,172
and the host of Fear Factor.
472
00:27:12,172 --> 00:27:13,548
Would not have said it.
473
00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:17,844
But everything gets more mainstream.
474
00:27:17,844 --> 00:27:19,888
Mental health got way more mainstream.
475
00:27:19,888 --> 00:27:23,892
Very few people used to talk about it,
and now it's a true movement.
476
00:27:23,892 --> 00:27:25,477
ESPN's always carrying on
477
00:27:25,477 --> 00:27:28,938
about how athletes need
to have good mental health.
478
00:27:28,938 --> 00:27:32,359
And I want everyone
to have great mental health.
479
00:27:32,359 --> 00:27:34,486
But, um... but not athletes.
480
00:27:36,363 --> 00:27:39,032
Guys, we need our athletes
to be total psychos.
481
00:27:39,032 --> 00:27:40,450
You don't understand that?
482
00:27:40,450 --> 00:27:42,661
You know what
I call an athlete with good mental health?
483
00:27:42,661 --> 00:27:45,080
An assistant coach is what I call them.
484
00:27:46,915 --> 00:27:51,795
What documentary did we all watch
about basketball during COVID?
485
00:27:52,379 --> 00:27:53,380
Last Dance, correct.
486
00:27:53,380 --> 00:27:57,342
Did Michael Jordan seem mentally healthy
to you in the slightest?
487
00:27:58,343 --> 00:28:00,387
Giant mansion, one chair.
488
00:28:05,684 --> 00:28:07,560
Here's what we learned
during The Last Dance.
489
00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:10,772
We learned that Michael Jordan's hobby
was basketball,
490
00:28:11,356 --> 00:28:13,733
but his passion was revenge.
491
00:28:15,318 --> 00:28:17,529
It's what fueled him.
It's what fuels all the greats.
492
00:28:17,529 --> 00:28:19,572
Settling scores and holding grudges.
493
00:28:19,572 --> 00:28:22,075
I was at a restaurant recently,
and some little kid was crying.
494
00:28:22,075 --> 00:28:25,453
His dad was like, "Son, remember,
the most important thing in life
495
00:28:25,453 --> 00:28:27,288
is to never take anything personally."
496
00:28:27,288 --> 00:28:31,334
I slid in and said, "Unless you want to be
the greatest basketball player ever."
497
00:28:33,461 --> 00:28:38,216
"So do you want to make $150 million
every year in passive income
498
00:28:38,216 --> 00:28:42,887
off a picture of you jumping from 1985,
and even just based on the silhouette
499
00:28:42,887 --> 00:28:46,266
of you jumping, we can tell
what an absolute sociopath you are,
500
00:28:46,266 --> 00:28:48,643
and we want that shit
on our shirt and our shoes,
501
00:28:48,643 --> 00:28:52,313
and Mexican dudes want it on the back
of their pickup trucks for some reason."
502
00:28:53,857 --> 00:28:55,525
No one knows why.
503
00:28:55,525 --> 00:28:58,153
Right side of the glass,
white Jordan logo.
504
00:28:58,945 --> 00:29:01,823
Let the anthropologists
figure it out, guys. No one knows.
505
00:29:05,285 --> 00:29:08,621
Yeah, if they're great at sports,
they're out of their minds.
506
00:29:09,122 --> 00:29:11,040
Tom Brady, not well.
507
00:29:12,500 --> 00:29:14,461
Did you see him
try to play toward the end?
508
00:29:14,461 --> 00:29:15,795
Whenever he'd try to run,
509
00:29:15,795 --> 00:29:19,716
he looked like he was on the toilet
and he left his phone in the other room.
510
00:29:23,970 --> 00:29:25,597
Tom Brady tried to retire,
511
00:29:26,347 --> 00:29:27,682
made it like ten days.
512
00:29:28,516 --> 00:29:31,436
Finally, he was like...
"I don't know these fucking kids."
513
00:29:35,774 --> 00:29:38,026
They were like,
"Dad, come outside and throw the ball?"
514
00:29:38,026 --> 00:29:39,527
He was like, "With you guys? No."
515
00:29:43,907 --> 00:29:47,911
The greatest athlete in any sport
is the craziest. Michael Phelps.
516
00:29:47,911 --> 00:29:51,790
Michael Phelps has 23 gold medals
in the Olympics.
517
00:29:51,790 --> 00:29:54,709
You know what second place
of all time is? Eight.
518
00:29:55,627 --> 00:29:57,712
He should be in a padded cell.
519
00:29:57,712 --> 00:30:00,757
He's always been pretty open
about having depression, right?
520
00:30:00,757 --> 00:30:03,968
Which didn't surprise me at all 'cause
when he first came back from the Olympics,
521
00:30:03,968 --> 00:30:07,180
he had, like, a few gold medals,
and then someone took a picture
522
00:30:07,180 --> 00:30:09,849
of him smoking weed,
and then he got busted for a DUI.
523
00:30:09,849 --> 00:30:11,768
People were like,
"I'm worried about Phelps."
524
00:30:11,768 --> 00:30:14,354
I was like, "I'm not.
This maniac's right on time."
525
00:30:16,147 --> 00:30:18,358
"That's just a boy who loves his country."
526
00:30:21,653 --> 00:30:24,113
By the way, it's not just male athletes.
527
00:30:24,113 --> 00:30:25,573
It's female too.
528
00:30:25,573 --> 00:30:30,119
Like those little gymnastics girls?
That shit should be against the law.
529
00:30:30,829 --> 00:30:32,247
The events are insane!
530
00:30:32,247 --> 00:30:36,084
It's like, "All right, you're going
to come charging down this runway,
531
00:30:36,584 --> 00:30:37,794
you have bare feet,
532
00:30:37,794 --> 00:30:42,882
and then wear, like, a bathing suit
with, like, bedazzled."
533
00:30:42,882 --> 00:30:46,469
"And, uh... And then you're going
to get to the end of the runway."
534
00:30:46,469 --> 00:30:49,305
"We put a trampoline down there, right?"
535
00:30:49,305 --> 00:30:53,017
"And then someone left a table.
So, you gotta..."
536
00:30:56,312 --> 00:30:58,106
"By the way, you're 11, right?"
537
00:31:00,191 --> 00:31:02,735
"You better stick the landing,
you little bitch."
538
00:31:06,447 --> 00:31:08,157
They don't even
sound like sporting events.
539
00:31:08,157 --> 00:31:12,662
They sound like Jackass stunts
that they let them practice in advance.
540
00:31:12,662 --> 00:31:17,000
Like, "I'm Johnny Knoxville.
This is a balance beam."
541
00:31:19,168 --> 00:31:22,589
Do those figure skater girls
look like they're having a good time?
542
00:31:22,589 --> 00:31:23,548
Not to me.
543
00:31:23,548 --> 00:31:26,259
They look like they're struggling, right?
544
00:31:26,259 --> 00:31:28,553
Whenever they do
those figure skating events,
545
00:31:28,553 --> 00:31:32,891
it looks like it's the first day the girls
have been allowed to wear makeup,
546
00:31:33,516 --> 00:31:36,102
and they have no idea what they're doing.
547
00:31:36,102 --> 00:31:38,938
Where they're like,
"Okay, doll, doll, doll."
548
00:31:38,938 --> 00:31:40,732
"Doll, doll, doll."
549
00:31:40,732 --> 00:31:42,317
"Shock, horror."
550
00:31:45,028 --> 00:31:46,821
And the events, again, are insane.
551
00:31:46,821 --> 00:31:49,949
They're spinning,
and then they start spinning so fast
552
00:31:49,949 --> 00:31:53,202
that they turn into a hologram
of themselves. Like...
553
00:31:55,413 --> 00:31:59,292
They have to stick the landing and act
like they didn't just travel through time.
554
00:32:01,628 --> 00:32:03,212
And then they finish,
555
00:32:03,212 --> 00:32:06,758
and they have to go sit in the booth
with their kidnappers.
556
00:32:06,758 --> 00:32:07,800
Where they...
557
00:32:14,098 --> 00:32:17,393
Holding flowers that someone picked up
from the freeway.
558
00:32:19,228 --> 00:32:21,189
"I go now? Yes, I'm free to go?"
559
00:32:22,315 --> 00:32:27,695
Last Olympics, I-- I just called the FBI.
Like, "Are you missing any girls?"
560
00:32:29,030 --> 00:32:30,740
"'Cause they're ice skating."
561
00:32:34,285 --> 00:32:38,164
The best athlete
is generally the craziest athlete.
562
00:32:39,123 --> 00:32:39,999
Kyrie Irving.
563
00:32:41,626 --> 00:32:43,252
One of the best guards ever, right?
564
00:32:43,252 --> 00:32:46,506
And then about five years ago,
he said the Earth was flat.
565
00:32:47,548 --> 00:32:49,801
Then he wouldn't take the vaccine,
so he couldn't play,
566
00:32:49,801 --> 00:32:52,261
and then he promoted
an anti-Semitic video.
567
00:32:52,261 --> 00:32:55,139
Like, "I knew he was good.
I didn't know he was this good! My God."
568
00:32:56,057 --> 00:32:59,060
"This kid's fucking around
with GOAT status. Shit."
569
00:33:01,020 --> 00:33:04,732
Every sport,
the best person in it is the craziest.
570
00:33:05,358 --> 00:33:06,442
Oscar Pistorius.
571
00:33:08,569 --> 00:33:10,405
Remember Oscar Pistorius? Paralympian.
572
00:33:10,405 --> 00:33:13,992
Then someone said, "Can you believe
Oscar Pistorius murdered his girlfriend?"
573
00:33:13,992 --> 00:33:17,453
I was like,
"He's a sprinter with no legs."
574
00:33:18,663 --> 00:33:21,332
"I believe he can do anything."
575
00:33:27,046 --> 00:33:28,131
Dennis Rodman.
576
00:33:29,173 --> 00:33:31,968
One of the greatest rebounders,
then he retired. Someone's like,
577
00:33:31,968 --> 00:33:35,221
"You want to be friends with Kim Jong-un?"
He's like, "You know I do."
578
00:33:41,519 --> 00:33:42,395
Lance Armstrong.
579
00:33:42,395 --> 00:33:44,731
I don't even consider
Lance Armstrong an athlete.
580
00:33:44,731 --> 00:33:48,192
I consider Lance Armstrong
a criminal who found a bike.
581
00:33:52,196 --> 00:33:54,824
Imagine the worst lie you've ever told,
582
00:33:54,824 --> 00:33:57,285
now imagine selling bracelets about it.
583
00:33:59,620 --> 00:34:01,289
Respect, sir. Respect.
584
00:34:04,083 --> 00:34:06,294
And then of course the biggest maniac
585
00:34:06,294 --> 00:34:08,838
any of us have ever seen
in our entire lives,
586
00:34:09,422 --> 00:34:10,256
Tiger Woods.
587
00:34:11,215 --> 00:34:13,009
Did you see that documentary?
588
00:34:13,009 --> 00:34:14,719
It was called Tiger,
589
00:34:14,719 --> 00:34:17,472
but they should have called it
Golfin' and Fuckin'.
590
00:34:19,265 --> 00:34:23,603
'Cause that's all that kid was doing was
golfin' and fuckin', golfin' and fuckin'.
591
00:34:23,603 --> 00:34:26,189
They caught him fuckin'
and were like, "You gotta stop fucking."
592
00:34:26,189 --> 00:34:29,484
He's like, "All right, but I'm pretty sure
I'm going to be worse at golf."
593
00:34:31,819 --> 00:34:33,613
And he was!
594
00:34:35,031 --> 00:34:37,283
He knew the formula.
It's golfin' and fuckin'.
595
00:34:37,283 --> 00:34:40,119
It's not golfin' and raising a family.
Ugh!
596
00:34:40,745 --> 00:34:42,705
Ugh!
597
00:34:43,790 --> 00:34:45,708
Literally, ugh!
598
00:34:48,795 --> 00:34:50,463
I knew Tiger was a real one.
599
00:34:51,839 --> 00:34:54,759
Twenty years ago, I saw him at some event.
600
00:34:54,759 --> 00:34:58,221
And he's walking along with bodyguards.
Not big bodyguards either.
601
00:34:58,221 --> 00:35:01,808
Not burly dudes, like little white dudes
with black turtlenecks on,
602
00:35:01,808 --> 00:35:04,227
like real... real dangerous people.
603
00:35:04,811 --> 00:35:07,897
So they're walking along,
and some little British guy
604
00:35:07,897 --> 00:35:10,483
comes running out from nowhere,
and he goes, "Tiger!"
605
00:35:10,483 --> 00:35:13,986
And, uh, the security guards just
immediately put the clamps on him.
606
00:35:13,986 --> 00:35:18,533
This is how I knew Tiger was a real one,
'cause the guy went, "Tiger, help."
607
00:35:21,911 --> 00:35:23,704
Tiger didn't even break stride.
608
00:35:23,704 --> 00:35:25,957
He was like,
"That's neither golfing nor fucking."
609
00:35:27,875 --> 00:35:29,710
"So I should keep it moving."
610
00:35:33,631 --> 00:35:37,343
Do your best with the mental health stuff.
Therapy, medication, whatever.
611
00:35:37,343 --> 00:35:39,971
Just know that if you don't get there,
612
00:35:39,971 --> 00:35:42,557
some of the greatest things
that have ever happened on Earth
613
00:35:42,557 --> 00:35:45,268
were created by psychopaths
and drug addicts.
614
00:35:45,810 --> 00:35:48,855
Like every invention,
psychopaths and drug addicts.
615
00:35:48,855 --> 00:35:53,526
Like Sigmund Freud,
the guy invented therapy, right?
616
00:35:53,526 --> 00:35:56,654
Open cokehead.
Would write about it in his books.
617
00:35:56,654 --> 00:36:00,449
Most of Freud's books should be called
This May Be the Cocaine Talking. Like...
618
00:36:01,951 --> 00:36:04,912
They're insanely cokey ideas.
You can hear it.
619
00:36:04,912 --> 00:36:06,455
Like... [sniffs] "Okay. What else?"
620
00:36:06,455 --> 00:36:09,208
- Uh...
621
00:36:09,208 --> 00:36:13,045
"Okay, come on, what are we doing?
I... think women are jealous of our dicks."
622
00:36:13,045 --> 00:36:16,048
"Yeah, they are.
That's good. Yep, yep, yep!"
623
00:36:16,048 --> 00:36:18,134
-"Yep, yep, yep, yep."
624
00:36:18,134 --> 00:36:21,929
"What else? What else? Uh... I think
every guy wants to fuck his mom."
625
00:36:21,929 --> 00:36:23,514
"Oh, yeah, he does."
626
00:36:23,514 --> 00:36:26,601
{\an8}"That might be the hottest shit
you ever wrote, boy."
627
00:36:29,061 --> 00:36:30,188
Listen to me.
628
00:36:30,188 --> 00:36:33,733
No cocaine, no therapy.
629
00:36:34,734 --> 00:36:38,738
The guy popularized therapy
because of coke!
630
00:36:38,738 --> 00:36:42,491
And it makes sense,
'cause therapy is an extremely cokey idea.
631
00:36:42,491 --> 00:36:46,746
Like, "Just come into the office
and fucking just tell me everything."
632
00:36:46,746 --> 00:36:50,708
"Tell me about your mom and your dad
and your dreams at night."
633
00:36:50,708 --> 00:36:53,002
After an hour,
he's like, "Hey, get the fuck outta here!"
634
00:37:01,552 --> 00:37:03,471
"Come back in exactly a week."
635
00:37:07,767 --> 00:37:11,062
I'm telling you,
psychopaths and drug addicts.
636
00:37:11,062 --> 00:37:12,563
Thomas Edison did coke.
637
00:37:12,563 --> 00:37:15,441
The Wright brothers worked in a bike shop.
638
00:37:16,150 --> 00:37:18,402
I don't know about you,
but anyone I've ever met
639
00:37:18,402 --> 00:37:21,155
who worked in a bike shop
could get me meth today.
640
00:37:22,573 --> 00:37:24,700
I don't know if they really did meth,
641
00:37:24,700 --> 00:37:27,745
but I will say they had
the methiest idea ever,
642
00:37:27,745 --> 00:37:30,164
like, "Hey, do you fucking feel
like you can fly?"
643
00:37:30,164 --> 00:37:32,291
And they go, "Meet me at the beach."
644
00:37:38,089 --> 00:37:41,425
Psychopaths and drug addicts,
even the-- even the modern inventors.
645
00:37:42,009 --> 00:37:45,638
Elon Musk. People don't like Elon Musk.
The guy founded PayPal and Tesla.
646
00:37:45,638 --> 00:37:47,807
People are like,
"But he's a troll and a bad dad."
647
00:37:47,807 --> 00:37:50,685
I'm like, "So is mine.
He did nothing to fight climate change."
648
00:37:52,645 --> 00:37:55,231
Also, have you been in a Tesla?
649
00:37:55,231 --> 00:37:58,234
Have you been in a Tesla?
My buddy let me drive his Tesla.
650
00:37:58,234 --> 00:38:00,820
I laughed out loud at how fast it went.
651
00:38:00,820 --> 00:38:04,740
Been clinically depressed my entire life,
on dozens of medications.
652
00:38:04,740 --> 00:38:07,910
In a Tesla for 13 seconds, cured forever.
653
00:38:11,580 --> 00:38:16,252
He's another one who I knew
he was a real one, a long time ago.
654
00:38:16,252 --> 00:38:18,587
He came to the Comedy Store
one night, right?
655
00:38:18,587 --> 00:38:22,049
And, uh... there was--
You know, room shaped like this.
656
00:38:22,049 --> 00:38:25,720
He sat in the corner,
never faced the stage once.
657
00:38:27,430 --> 00:38:29,598
Live your life, you fucking maniac.
658
00:38:29,598 --> 00:38:32,518
Just getting his Amadeus on
in the corner, like, "Aah."
659
00:38:32,518 --> 00:38:33,686
Fantastic.
660
00:38:33,686 --> 00:38:36,647
Just a touch of Asperger's, guys.
Just a touch.
661
00:38:40,276 --> 00:38:44,405
Bill Gates got caught cheating
on his wife via email.
662
00:38:46,991 --> 00:38:49,869
Dude, you invented email!
663
00:38:56,208 --> 00:38:58,127
Psychopaths and drug addicts.
664
00:38:58,961 --> 00:39:01,881
Most culture
is from psychopaths and drug addicts.
665
00:39:02,590 --> 00:39:07,762
Music, there's a zillion stories
from rock and roll about drugs, right?
666
00:39:07,762 --> 00:39:09,972
I read Keith Richards' autobiography.
667
00:39:09,972 --> 00:39:14,310
This is how drugged out they were.
So the Stones had so many drug charges,
668
00:39:14,310 --> 00:39:16,520
that in order to tour in America,
669
00:39:16,520 --> 00:39:19,231
they had to hire a doctor
to travel with them
670
00:39:19,231 --> 00:39:21,442
and test them for drugs every day.
671
00:39:21,442 --> 00:39:24,028
The doctor lasted six weeks
before, you guessed it,
672
00:39:24,028 --> 00:39:26,405
he got hooked on cocaine. Whoops!
673
00:39:28,574 --> 00:39:30,618
The vampire hunter got bit.
674
00:39:32,328 --> 00:39:35,081
Rock's insane like that,
psychopaths and drug addicts.
675
00:39:35,081 --> 00:39:36,248
Hip-hop.
676
00:39:41,295 --> 00:39:44,548
You ever know a not-fucked-up person
make either one of those noises?
677
00:39:45,883 --> 00:39:48,260
You ever call your mom, like,
"Happy Sunday, Mom." She's like...
678
00:39:53,099 --> 00:39:56,185
Snoop Dogg, one of the greatest
entertainers of all time,
679
00:39:56,185 --> 00:39:59,855
a hip-hop legend, and he's so fucked up,
that at a certain point,
680
00:39:59,855 --> 00:40:02,525
he just started
talking in fizzle-jizzle language.
681
00:40:03,442 --> 00:40:06,195
We all accepted it. Like,
"Should we get him to hospital?"
682
00:40:06,195 --> 00:40:08,531
"No, let's go to the studio.
See what he can do."
683
00:40:10,741 --> 00:40:13,327
Snoop may have no idea what's happening.
684
00:40:14,453 --> 00:40:16,330
Like, "Fizzle jizzle wizzle bizzle."
685
00:40:16,330 --> 00:40:19,083
"Bow wow wow,
fizzle jizzle bizzle wizzle."
686
00:40:19,083 --> 00:40:22,920
"Skechers, I'd love to endorse Skechers.
Bow wow wow fizzle."
687
00:40:22,920 --> 00:40:25,131
"Martha Stewart!
I should do several shows with her."
688
00:40:25,131 --> 00:40:27,550
Meanwhile, he thinks it's Ellen.
He's gone.
689
00:40:31,429 --> 00:40:32,430
Kendrick Lamar.
690
00:40:33,556 --> 00:40:34,890
True genius, right?
691
00:40:35,391 --> 00:40:37,935
Sing along if you know the words
where he says...
692
00:40:37,935 --> 00:40:40,855
♪ If Pirus and Crips all got along ♪
693
00:40:40,855 --> 00:40:44,066
♪ They'd probably gun me down
By the end of this song ♪
694
00:40:44,066 --> 00:40:48,237
♪ Feels like the whole city go against me
Every time I'm in the street, I hear... ♪
695
00:40:48,237 --> 00:40:50,197
♪ Yawk, yawk, yawk, yawk ♪
696
00:40:53,075 --> 00:40:55,077
♪ Yawk, yawk, yawk, yawk ♪
697
00:40:55,619 --> 00:40:59,582
You can't get to,
" Yawk, yawk, yawk, yawk" sober.
698
00:40:59,582 --> 00:41:01,417
You cannot get there, guys.
699
00:41:01,417 --> 00:41:04,712
You could be in a marina,
walk past four yachts,
700
00:41:04,712 --> 00:41:07,381
and you're not gonna think,
"Yawk, yawk, yawk, yawk."
701
00:41:12,511 --> 00:41:15,681
And he has a well-deserved Pulitzer Prize.
702
00:41:21,604 --> 00:41:24,565
You may be thinking,
"Neal, psychopaths and drug addicts?"
703
00:41:24,565 --> 00:41:27,943
"Are all comedians psychopaths
and drug addicts?"
704
00:41:29,195 --> 00:41:30,321
So far, yep.
705
00:41:31,822 --> 00:41:34,200
Let's go down the list.
George Carlin, drug addict.
706
00:41:34,200 --> 00:41:36,994
Richard Pryor, drug addict.
Bill Cosby, choose-your-own-adventure.
707
00:41:40,956 --> 00:41:42,333
Lenny Bruce, drug addict.
708
00:41:42,333 --> 00:41:44,585
Mitch Hedberg, drug addict.
John Belushi, drug addict.
709
00:41:44,585 --> 00:41:47,880
John Mulaney told me to remind you
he's a drug addict.
710
00:41:50,716 --> 00:41:53,677
Those are just the drug addicts
that you know about.
711
00:41:53,677 --> 00:41:56,222
Then there's the alcoholics
we don't have time for.
712
00:41:56,222 --> 00:41:57,932
So let's do mental illness.
713
00:41:57,932 --> 00:41:59,600
Mark Twain, bipolar.
714
00:41:59,600 --> 00:42:01,936
Taylor Tomlinson, bipolar too.
715
00:42:01,936 --> 00:42:05,147
I'm depressed, Sarah's depressed.
Rodney Dangerfield was depressed.
716
00:42:05,147 --> 00:42:06,565
Joan Rivers was depressed.
717
00:42:06,565 --> 00:42:10,194
Howie Mandel has the worst case of OCD
I've ever heard of.
718
00:42:10,194 --> 00:42:13,030
Chris Rock's got
nonverbal learning disability.
719
00:42:13,030 --> 00:42:14,240
Jim Jefferies...
720
00:42:14,740 --> 00:42:17,993
- Um...
721
00:42:19,119 --> 00:42:21,205
I don't know what Bill Burr's issue is,
722
00:42:21,205 --> 00:42:24,583
but he's yelled at me every time
I've seen him for 20 years straight.
723
00:42:26,252 --> 00:42:29,880
It's 'cause people that are good
at something are optimized for that thing,
724
00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:31,840
and pretty much nothing else, right?
725
00:42:31,840 --> 00:42:34,260
You ever play a video game
where you make the character
726
00:42:34,260 --> 00:42:36,345
and you have 100 points,
and you gotta distribute it
727
00:42:36,345 --> 00:42:39,014
between dexterity
and marksmanship and speed?
728
00:42:39,765 --> 00:42:41,141
That's what God does,
729
00:42:41,934 --> 00:42:44,270
and sometimes he fucks up.
730
00:42:45,563 --> 00:42:47,773
Like when God was making Woody Allen...
731
00:42:47,773 --> 00:42:50,276
Whoa...
732
00:42:51,193 --> 00:42:52,027
...they were like,
733
00:42:52,027 --> 00:42:55,406
"God, how many points should we give him
for comedy and filmmaking?"
734
00:42:55,406 --> 00:42:57,658
God's like, "Fuck it, give him 100."
735
00:42:58,742 --> 00:43:02,121
They were like, "That doesn't leave
any points for not fucking his family."
736
00:43:05,124 --> 00:43:07,042
And God was like, "How bad can it be?"
737
00:43:07,793 --> 00:43:10,921
Then 70 years later, an angel was like,
"Did you see that documentary?"
738
00:43:10,921 --> 00:43:12,256
God was like, "Fuck!"
739
00:43:19,430 --> 00:43:23,517
Yeah, like I'm good at this,
and I'm not good at relationships.
740
00:43:23,517 --> 00:43:26,937
And I just realized why.
I just realized why, like, recently.
741
00:43:26,937 --> 00:43:30,649
I'm not that good at relationships
'cause I'm preoccupied with this!
742
00:43:30,649 --> 00:43:32,318
I'll be in a relationship with a woman,
743
00:43:32,318 --> 00:43:35,487
we'll be having, like,
normal relationship conversations.
744
00:43:35,487 --> 00:43:38,782
She's being like, "Hey, I think
this weekend we should go see my mom."
745
00:43:38,782 --> 00:43:41,785
I'm like, "Religions should make
attack ads on each other."
746
00:43:42,369 --> 00:43:44,371
She's like,
"After that, we can go antiquing."
747
00:43:44,371 --> 00:43:47,082
I'm like, "The sun is like the cops
for white people."
748
00:43:47,583 --> 00:43:50,210
She'll say, "You're not listening."
"Of course I'm listening."
749
00:43:50,210 --> 00:43:52,546
"Yawk, yawk, yawk, yawk."
750
00:43:56,216 --> 00:43:58,677
Also, have you been in a relationship?
751
00:43:59,261 --> 00:44:00,638
They're very difficult.
752
00:44:02,348 --> 00:44:04,433
Who's in their twenties,
by round of applause?
753
00:44:05,768 --> 00:44:09,480
All right, so let me explain to you
how your dating life's gonna go.
754
00:44:10,689 --> 00:44:13,567
So you're in your twenties,
and you're gonna start dating seriously,
755
00:44:13,567 --> 00:44:17,154
and you're going to realize, like,
"Oh, I have emotional problems."
756
00:44:17,154 --> 00:44:20,908
In your thirties, you're gonna be like,
"I'm gonna solve my emotional problems."
757
00:44:20,908 --> 00:44:24,620
In your forties, you're gonna be like,
"It's a shame I never did solve...
758
00:44:26,664 --> 00:44:28,499
...those emotional problems."
759
00:44:30,167 --> 00:44:32,169
Don't you wish we had more in common,
men and women?
760
00:44:32,169 --> 00:44:34,463
I like those couples
with one thing in common,
761
00:44:34,463 --> 00:44:36,715
and they're seeing
how far they can take it.
762
00:44:37,424 --> 00:44:41,053
Know what I mean? Like going into
Comic-Con dressed as his-and-her orcs.
763
00:44:42,388 --> 00:44:44,014
I like the weightlifting couple
764
00:44:44,014 --> 00:44:47,267
walking around
like spray-tanned apes everywhere they go.
765
00:44:47,267 --> 00:44:48,394
Like, "Come on, babe."
766
00:44:48,394 --> 00:44:51,563
"Let's go home and talk
about chicken breast and broccoli again."
767
00:44:52,856 --> 00:44:55,442
I want us to have
more in common, I really do.
768
00:44:55,442 --> 00:44:56,902
Sometimes I'll be on dating apps
769
00:44:56,902 --> 00:44:59,738
and I'll cover up women's photos
to see what their personality's like.
770
00:44:59,738 --> 00:45:03,659
One girl's bio, recently, was like,
"I love SoulCycle and red wine
771
00:45:03,659 --> 00:45:06,036
and sunsets and rockin' playlists."
772
00:45:06,036 --> 00:45:09,748
And I thought, "If this was a guy,
I would run him over with my car."
773
00:45:11,417 --> 00:45:14,336
Then I see it's a beautiful woman,
I'm like, "She may be the one."
774
00:45:20,217 --> 00:45:22,845
It's just hard.
Relationships are just hard.
775
00:45:22,845 --> 00:45:25,514
Maybe it's me.
Maybe I'm too preoccupied with this
776
00:45:25,514 --> 00:45:27,641
and it makes me petty. Let's see.
777
00:45:27,641 --> 00:45:31,395
Uh, so I was in love with a woman
and, uh, we were together for a while.
778
00:45:31,395 --> 00:45:33,063
We were in love, it was amazing.
779
00:45:33,063 --> 00:45:37,818
She had a trip planned to Singapore,
and then Putin invades Ukraine.
780
00:45:37,818 --> 00:45:41,822
My girl calls me. "I'm really afraid
this will affect my trip to Singapore."
781
00:45:41,822 --> 00:45:43,574
And I was like, "It's not gonna."
782
00:45:44,450 --> 00:45:47,327
She was like, "No, everyone in Malibu
is saying it's gonna affect it."
783
00:45:47,327 --> 00:45:50,664
I was like, "Babe,
I think living near the beach
784
00:45:50,664 --> 00:45:53,208
like slows down your brain or something."
785
00:45:53,834 --> 00:45:56,003
"Unless your flight
is connecting through Kiev,
786
00:45:56,003 --> 00:45:57,921
like, I think you're straight."
787
00:45:57,921 --> 00:45:59,923
She was like,
"I have to get off the phone now."
788
00:45:59,923 --> 00:46:03,302
I go, "Why?" She goes,
"Because you're not supporting my fear."
789
00:46:04,428 --> 00:46:06,180
Like, "I've never even heard of that."
790
00:46:06,180 --> 00:46:08,432
She's like,
"I need you to support my fear."
791
00:46:08,432 --> 00:46:11,310
I was like, "Okay, from here on out,
I'll try to support your fear."
792
00:46:11,310 --> 00:46:14,271
So anyway, about eight days later,
793
00:46:14,855 --> 00:46:17,816
we're in bed,
and there's a noise downstairs.
794
00:46:17,816 --> 00:46:20,110
My girl looks at me
and goes, "I'm scared."
795
00:46:20,110 --> 00:46:22,738
And I looked at her
and I said, "You should be."
796
00:46:27,284 --> 00:46:28,452
"'Cause he sounds big,
797
00:46:28,452 --> 00:46:30,829
and I bet he doesn't want
to have sex with me at all."
798
00:46:39,004 --> 00:46:41,298
"Do you feel the support?
There's so much support."
799
00:46:47,262 --> 00:46:49,598
There's just a lot of obstacles
to relationships.
800
00:46:49,598 --> 00:46:52,434
Like, we can't talk directly about sex.
801
00:46:52,434 --> 00:46:54,561
We can't be like, "Sex? Sex? Sex?"
802
00:46:54,561 --> 00:46:57,815
You just have to get together
and hint at it
803
00:46:58,315 --> 00:46:59,441
for like six hours.
804
00:46:59,441 --> 00:47:02,653
You're just like...
805
00:47:02,653 --> 00:47:05,239
"I just like paying for stuff.
I don't know what it is."
806
00:47:09,368 --> 00:47:12,246
It's so dumb that we can't talk
807
00:47:12,246 --> 00:47:15,040
about the most important thing
to our species.
808
00:47:15,040 --> 00:47:18,335
If I'm with my buddy and I want to eat,
I go, "Hey, you want to go to lunch?"
809
00:47:18,335 --> 00:47:21,129
I don't take a spoon
out of my pocket and be like...
810
00:47:28,220 --> 00:47:29,596
"What's it remind you of?"
811
00:47:34,351 --> 00:47:35,644
And then we have sex,
812
00:47:35,644 --> 00:47:39,398
and we understand that your orgasms
are a little nonlinear, right?
813
00:47:39,940 --> 00:47:43,735
But fellas, I've... I've figured
something out about women.
814
00:47:43,735 --> 00:47:48,031
Trying to make a woman have an orgasm
is like ordering an Uber, right?
815
00:47:48,699 --> 00:47:51,159
'Cause you open the app,
and you hit the button,
816
00:47:51,159 --> 00:47:53,662
and you go, "All right,
it's coming in seven minutes."
817
00:47:58,333 --> 00:48:01,086
A couple minutes pass,
"Great, it's coming in two minutes."
818
00:48:01,086 --> 00:48:03,130
"I can see the little car. That's good."
819
00:48:04,131 --> 00:48:07,301
Some more time passes, you're like,
"It's coming in five minutes?"
820
00:48:10,721 --> 00:48:12,681
"Why is that car
spinning around like that?"
821
00:48:15,601 --> 00:48:17,603
"Wait a minute. Ride canceled?"
822
00:48:21,481 --> 00:48:23,317
"I hope this doesn't affect my rating."
823
00:48:25,944 --> 00:48:26,904
But it will.
824
00:48:30,866 --> 00:48:33,952
Yeah. I don't want to complain
about women's orgasms.
825
00:48:33,952 --> 00:48:38,206
I mean, women are so empathetic,
it's incredible. It's incredible.
826
00:48:38,206 --> 00:48:41,919
Like, women are so empathetic
that they'll be empathetic
827
00:48:41,919 --> 00:48:43,503
when we're orgasming.
828
00:48:43,503 --> 00:48:47,132
Like, guys'll be having
our, like, "Don't tase me, bro."
829
00:48:50,052 --> 00:48:51,970
"I'm not resisting," like...
830
00:48:52,846 --> 00:48:56,808
And women are so empathetic
that they'll shake along with us.
831
00:48:57,726 --> 00:49:01,939
Where they're like, "I don't want you
to be alone during your time of seizure."
832
00:49:03,607 --> 00:49:05,525
Whereas I'm the total opposite.
833
00:49:05,525 --> 00:49:07,569
If a woman's on top having an orgasm,
834
00:49:07,569 --> 00:49:09,947
I'm like, "Neal,
don't you fucking move a muscle."
835
00:49:12,449 --> 00:49:17,371
Like there's a grizzly bear in the room.
"Don't even make eye contact."
836
00:49:17,371 --> 00:49:20,332
"Let her take what she needs to take."
837
00:49:30,342 --> 00:49:31,426
It's my... my turn?
838
00:49:31,426 --> 00:49:34,429
"Aah..."
839
00:49:39,226 --> 00:49:41,103
All right, we gotta get out of here.
840
00:49:41,103 --> 00:49:44,815
Think of the best sex compliment
you've ever gotten.
841
00:49:46,149 --> 00:49:47,943
I'm pretty sure I can beat it.
842
00:49:49,111 --> 00:49:52,322
This is the best compliment
I've ever gotten about anything, just FYI.
843
00:49:52,322 --> 00:49:53,824
A woman said, "Neal,
844
00:49:54,658 --> 00:49:56,660
you fuck like you're poor."
845
00:50:02,958 --> 00:50:06,211
The problem was, after that,
whenever she would text me to come over,
846
00:50:06,211 --> 00:50:08,714
I'd have to get in, like, a poor mindset.
847
00:50:09,423 --> 00:50:11,508
So I'd, like, take the bus to her house.
848
00:50:12,759 --> 00:50:15,137
I'd do scratch-offs the whole way there.
849
00:50:16,138 --> 00:50:19,224
Calling my friends on Cricket Wireless.
You get it.
850
00:50:20,350 --> 00:50:22,602
I'd also like to say it's sex,
851
00:50:22,602 --> 00:50:24,896
so I'm not consistent, right?
852
00:50:24,896 --> 00:50:27,774
Sometimes I fuck like I'm poor,
and other times,
853
00:50:27,774 --> 00:50:31,236
I fuck like my grandfather
left me quite a bit of money.
854
00:50:35,490 --> 00:50:38,910
That's-- And I also I get
another sex compliment.
855
00:50:38,910 --> 00:50:42,581
And ladies, let's turn this
into a teaching opportunity.
856
00:50:42,581 --> 00:50:45,292
A woman said, "Neal,
you know what's great about you?"
857
00:50:45,292 --> 00:50:51,548
"When I tell you I'm gonna have an orgasm,
you keep on doing what you were doing."
858
00:50:54,634 --> 00:50:57,054
A lot of the guys have no idea
why you're applauding.
859
00:50:58,555 --> 00:51:01,016
Fellas, keep on doing
860
00:51:01,016 --> 00:51:02,976
what you were doing.
861
00:51:03,518 --> 00:51:07,147
Same angle, same rhythm, same force.
862
00:51:08,690 --> 00:51:10,484
Keep on doing
863
00:51:10,484 --> 00:51:12,903
what you were doing.
864
00:51:12,903 --> 00:51:16,948
Same angle, same rhythm, same force.
865
00:51:16,948 --> 00:51:18,950
Women will say,
"I'm gonna have an orgasm,"
866
00:51:18,950 --> 00:51:22,162
and the guy will say, "Now's a good time
for the corkscrew." Dummy!
867
00:51:24,081 --> 00:51:25,957
Keep on doing
868
00:51:25,957 --> 00:51:27,918
what you were doing!
869
00:51:27,918 --> 00:51:31,254
Same angle, same rhythm, same force.
870
00:51:31,254 --> 00:51:33,006
"Neal, how am I gonna remember that?"
871
00:51:33,590 --> 00:51:34,591
ARF.
872
00:51:38,929 --> 00:51:41,056
Do you guys want to fuck poor or not?
873
00:51:43,934 --> 00:51:46,103
{\an8}'Sup, guys.
Want to learn how to fuck poor?
874
00:51:48,897 --> 00:51:50,982
All right, I gotta go.
Thank you so much, you guys.