1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:06,089 --> 00:00:09,050 (muffled crowd cheering) 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:09,050 --> 00:00:12,345 (echoing footsteps) 5 00:00:15,306 --> 00:00:18,810 - (full volume cheering) - Hello! 6 00:00:18,810 --> 00:00:22,480 (applause) 7 00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:25,233 What am I? Taylor Swift? 8 00:00:26,609 --> 00:00:28,111 (cheering dies down) 9 00:00:28,111 --> 00:00:31,156 You make a girl feel good. Thank you so much. I really... 10 00:00:31,156 --> 00:00:32,824 I feel great tonight. I gotta tell you, 11 00:00:32,824 --> 00:00:34,242 it feels good to feel great 12 00:00:34,242 --> 00:00:36,703 because I've been feeling pretty bad recently. 13 00:00:36,703 --> 00:00:39,497 I've been battling a depressive episode, but I'm out of it. 14 00:00:39,497 --> 00:00:42,167 It was-- It was bad. It was a postpartum thing. 15 00:00:42,167 --> 00:00:43,835 My friend just had a baby, 16 00:00:43,835 --> 00:00:46,796 and so I've just been mourning the loss 17 00:00:46,796 --> 00:00:50,342 of that friendship. (sighs) She gone. 18 00:00:50,342 --> 00:00:51,843 (laughter) 19 00:00:51,843 --> 00:00:54,054 Anyone else losing friends to babies? 20 00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:58,016 - (cheering, applause) - Yeah? Yeah. It sucks. 21 00:00:58,016 --> 00:01:00,977 Is anyone else secretly hoping those friends 22 00:01:00,977 --> 00:01:03,146 lose their babies? Because that's where I'm at. 23 00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:05,857 - (laughter) - That's where I'm at! 24 00:01:06,691 --> 00:01:08,276 I feel bad about it. I don't say this to them. 25 00:01:08,276 --> 00:01:11,237 I just think it as I blow out my birthday candles, 26 00:01:11,237 --> 00:01:14,032 but you can't help what you wish. 27 00:01:14,032 --> 00:01:15,408 (laughter) 28 00:01:15,408 --> 00:01:17,035 It's not funny. 29 00:01:17,452 --> 00:01:19,537 My friend just got pregnant from in vitro. 30 00:01:19,537 --> 00:01:21,915 She was telling me about it. She was like, 31 00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:25,293 "I spent $30,000 doing in vitro." 32 00:01:25,293 --> 00:01:27,462 I was like, "I'll pay you 40 to get an aborsho. 33 00:01:27,462 --> 00:01:30,048 "Like, if you wanna make money on this deal, 34 00:01:30,048 --> 00:01:32,133 "I'll Venmo you right now. 35 00:01:32,717 --> 00:01:35,970 "I got money because I don't got kids, so... 36 00:01:35,970 --> 00:01:37,305 "I don't know what I'll write in the memo. 37 00:01:37,305 --> 00:01:38,973 "Just like a vacuum emoji. 38 00:01:38,973 --> 00:01:40,809 "I feel like it'll be... People won't know. 39 00:01:40,809 --> 00:01:43,520 They'll think I like bought a vintage Hoover from you." 40 00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:45,063 (laughter) 41 00:01:45,063 --> 00:01:48,400 No, I'm thrilled for my friend. I really am. 42 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:50,902 She has me in charge of the baby shower, which is gonna be fun. 43 00:01:50,902 --> 00:01:52,320 I don't know what we're gonna do yet. 44 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:55,865 I think maybe bull riding? I don't know. Like, I'm just... 45 00:01:55,865 --> 00:01:58,284 A trampoline park? 46 00:01:58,284 --> 00:01:59,703 Like, what activities should we do? 47 00:01:59,703 --> 00:02:02,789 I was thinking maybe like a stomach-punching contest 48 00:02:02,789 --> 00:02:04,290 at a staircase museum. 49 00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:05,917 - I don't know. - (laughter) 50 00:02:05,917 --> 00:02:07,794 Just spitballing. 51 00:02:07,794 --> 00:02:09,921 Fun. It'd be fun. 52 00:02:12,424 --> 00:02:14,467 It's crazy when your friends start trying to get pregnant 53 00:02:14,467 --> 00:02:16,094 because then you realize how hard it is 54 00:02:16,094 --> 00:02:18,388 to get pregnant at your age. I had no idea. 55 00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:20,515 Because I don't want kids. I've been using birth control, 56 00:02:20,515 --> 00:02:22,142 like an idiot. 57 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:24,602 The best, most effective birth control, turns out, 58 00:02:24,602 --> 00:02:26,855 it's being 39 and getting cummed in 59 00:02:26,855 --> 00:02:29,482 - because... - (cheering) 60 00:02:29,482 --> 00:02:31,693 these girls can't get pregnant! 61 00:02:31,693 --> 00:02:33,445 (laughter) 62 00:02:33,445 --> 00:02:35,572 It's almost like the more you want a child, 63 00:02:35,572 --> 00:02:38,283 the more God's just like, "No, I don't think so. 64 00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:40,160 "That's, like, really desperate and sad. 65 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,287 "You're like... 66 00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:45,790 like a pick-me mom. Like, you're trying too hard." 67 00:02:45,790 --> 00:02:47,459 (laughter) 68 00:02:47,459 --> 00:02:50,628 He's, like, negging them. It's so rude. 69 00:02:50,628 --> 00:02:53,173 He's like, "You waited till you were 37? Really? 70 00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:57,302 "Why do you think I gave you your period when you were 14? I mean, what...? 71 00:02:57,302 --> 00:02:59,137 "That wasn't so you'd be embarrassed in gym class. 72 00:02:59,137 --> 00:03:02,891 That was so you wouldn't graduate high school." You know, like... 73 00:03:02,891 --> 00:03:04,809 (laughter) 74 00:03:04,809 --> 00:03:06,186 It's crazy! 75 00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,355 It's changed my whole birth control method, really. 76 00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:10,315 Now, because I don't want kids, 77 00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:12,317 my boyfriend cums in me, and then we pray together 78 00:03:12,317 --> 00:03:13,651 for a child afterwards. 79 00:03:13,651 --> 00:03:15,653 We hold hands, and we say, "Please, God. 80 00:03:15,653 --> 00:03:20,492 - We're ready. We really want one." - (whooping) 81 00:03:20,492 --> 00:03:22,869 We try not to laugh when we say it. 82 00:03:23,787 --> 00:03:26,664 We're building a nursery, just trying to throw God off, 83 00:03:26,664 --> 00:03:30,335 because... he's an asshole. You know? 84 00:03:30,335 --> 00:03:33,463 We name each of his loads. It's fun. 85 00:03:34,130 --> 00:03:36,299 We're running out of... We get lazy sometimes. 86 00:03:36,299 --> 00:03:38,176 There's a lot of Randys, but... 87 00:03:38,176 --> 00:03:40,845 (laughter) 88 00:03:40,845 --> 00:03:43,765 My heart goes out to you if you have fertility issues, truly, 89 00:03:43,765 --> 00:03:46,351 because it must be so frustrating to know 90 00:03:46,351 --> 00:03:47,519 you'd be so good at something, 91 00:03:47,519 --> 00:03:49,354 yet God will not give you a baby. 92 00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:51,356 You've waited long enough to be good at it. 93 00:03:51,356 --> 00:03:53,024 God's like, "No, sorry." 94 00:03:53,024 --> 00:03:55,527 And then you hear about a teen who gets raped by her uncle, 95 00:03:55,527 --> 00:03:57,195 and God's like, "Here's twins," and you're like, 96 00:03:57,195 --> 00:03:58,822 "What the fuck? Are you serious? 97 00:03:58,822 --> 00:04:02,826 I'm over here trying." 98 00:04:02,826 --> 00:04:04,911 (cheering and applause) 99 00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:08,540 So, my boyfriend and I have stopped doing that role-play 100 00:04:08,540 --> 00:04:11,501 because that was risky. We were playing with fire! 101 00:04:11,501 --> 00:04:14,087 - I had no idea! - (applause) 102 00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:15,380 (laughs) 103 00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:18,925 I miss that one. That was a fun role-play. I was good at it. 104 00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:22,095 I'm a very convincing naughty niece. I would just... 105 00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:25,640 - (laughter) - It was, it was good. 106 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:27,392 I would just be like, "Uncle David, 107 00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:30,729 "what are you doing here? This is an all-girls sleepover. 108 00:04:30,729 --> 00:04:33,398 (laughter) 109 00:04:33,398 --> 00:04:36,359 "What do you mean you lost something in the dryer? 110 00:04:36,359 --> 00:04:38,945 "And you want me to crawl in and get it out? 111 00:04:38,945 --> 00:04:40,739 (laughter) 112 00:04:40,739 --> 00:04:42,741 Are you sure this is how you get to Narnia?" 113 00:04:42,741 --> 00:04:45,702 Just stuff like that. I watch too much porn, whatever. 114 00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:48,955 (laughter) 115 00:04:49,914 --> 00:04:50,832 But everyone's telling me, 116 00:04:50,832 --> 00:04:52,584 "Nikki, at your age, just freeze your eggs. 117 00:04:52,584 --> 00:04:54,586 Just freeze 'em. Freeze your eggs." 118 00:04:54,586 --> 00:04:56,504 I'm like, "Can I burn them? Is that an option? 119 00:04:56,504 --> 00:04:59,799 - Because I hate this conversation." - (cheering) 120 00:04:59,799 --> 00:05:02,177 "Just do it." I know if I don't do it now, 121 00:05:02,177 --> 00:05:04,929 it'll be too late, but I could always go the adoption route 122 00:05:04,929 --> 00:05:07,307 and give 'em up for adoption, you know, like that. 123 00:05:08,558 --> 00:05:10,518 I've never wanted kids. 124 00:05:10,518 --> 00:05:12,937 I don't think it's gonna happen in like the last month 125 00:05:12,937 --> 00:05:14,189 of my fertility. 126 00:05:14,189 --> 00:05:15,648 I just don't want 'em. 127 00:05:15,648 --> 00:05:17,901 Even when I was a kid, I would get baby dolls for Christmas 128 00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:20,487 and just be like, "Oh, God, this is gonna be a lot of work. 129 00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:24,115 This is just-- This is gonna cut into nap time." 130 00:05:24,115 --> 00:05:25,617 (laughter) 131 00:05:25,617 --> 00:05:29,162 I tried to abandon it in front of my brother's toy firehouse. 132 00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:31,706 Just anything. "Get this away from me." 133 00:05:31,706 --> 00:05:33,541 (laughter) 134 00:05:33,541 --> 00:05:36,252 And I don't like how adults talk to you when you have baby dolls. 135 00:05:36,252 --> 00:05:37,462 They're like, "Is that your baby? 136 00:05:37,462 --> 00:05:39,631 Are you its mommy? Is that your baby?" 137 00:05:39,631 --> 00:05:42,467 I'm like, "No, a man didn't fuck me, Aunt Gail. 138 00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:45,387 -"This is... - (laughter) 139 00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:49,391 I don't like your tone." 140 00:05:49,391 --> 00:05:50,975 No wonder women rush to have kids. 141 00:05:50,975 --> 00:05:53,478 We're being trained for it since we were kids. 142 00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:55,230 They're like, "Here's a baby doll. 143 00:05:55,230 --> 00:05:56,606 Here's an Easy-Bake Oven." 144 00:05:56,606 --> 00:05:58,233 I got one of those. I stuck my head in it. 145 00:05:58,233 --> 00:06:01,820 I was like, "I want out of this narrative. 146 00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:03,947 This is my life?" 147 00:06:05,281 --> 00:06:07,659 I just don't get wanting kids. 148 00:06:07,659 --> 00:06:09,869 I don't get it. And I think I'm right 149 00:06:09,869 --> 00:06:13,206 because I think biology had to trick us into having kids. 150 00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:14,874 That's why sex feels good. 151 00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:17,002 (laughter) 152 00:06:17,002 --> 00:06:19,045 Orgasms feel as good 153 00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:20,588 as kids are shitty. 154 00:06:20,588 --> 00:06:22,173 That is-- They're directly correlated. 155 00:06:22,173 --> 00:06:25,093 (laughter, cheering) 156 00:06:25,093 --> 00:06:27,971 (applause) 157 00:06:27,971 --> 00:06:31,016 We are the only animal species who actively want kids, 158 00:06:31,016 --> 00:06:33,560 if you think about it. You've never seen two dogs like, 159 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:36,187 -"We're trying. - (laughter) 160 00:06:36,187 --> 00:06:38,356 "It's been really hard. 161 00:06:38,356 --> 00:06:39,691 She's 12, so you know." 162 00:06:39,691 --> 00:06:42,360 And you're like, "What? Oh, dog years. 163 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:45,280 "Okay. I guess that's acceptable. 164 00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:47,615 I thought you were a puppofile, but..." 165 00:06:48,992 --> 00:06:51,286 Kids slow you down in the animal kingdom. 166 00:06:51,286 --> 00:06:53,079 They make you more susceptible to prey. 167 00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:54,330 They deplete your resources. 168 00:06:54,330 --> 00:06:56,458 God, if animals could jerk off, 169 00:06:56,458 --> 00:07:00,378 - there'd be no animals. Like... - (laughter) 170 00:07:00,378 --> 00:07:02,047 It's the only reason they happen. 171 00:07:02,047 --> 00:07:03,840 They don't connect it. You ever seen an animal 172 00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:05,967 give birth on like a nature documentary show? 173 00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:09,012 There's a giraffe giving birth. It's in active labor. 174 00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:12,557 It doesn't even know. It's just like, kind of like, "(shuddering) Oh, God." 175 00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:15,518 Shaking, just like, "What's happening?" 176 00:07:15,518 --> 00:07:19,939 There's no like doula hyena next to it, like, "Breathe!" - (laughter) 177 00:07:20,231 --> 00:07:21,733 (laughs) Well, maybe there's a hyena, 178 00:07:21,733 --> 00:07:23,276 but it's waiting for its lunch to drop. 179 00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:26,279 - Like it knows more than the giraffe knows. - (laughter) 180 00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:27,989 The giraffe is like, "What's happening?" 181 00:07:27,989 --> 00:07:30,658 It just thinks it's constipated. Then it looks down. It's like, 182 00:07:30,658 --> 00:07:32,994 "Why am I shitting legs? What is happening?" 183 00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:34,788 It's just like, aaah! 184 00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:38,708 And then a giraffe falls out of it, and it goes, "Whoa!" 185 00:07:38,708 --> 00:07:40,418 - And then it like runs from it. - (laughter) 186 00:07:40,418 --> 00:07:43,755 Its first instinct is to split 187 00:07:44,714 --> 00:07:46,925 like a teen mom in a Del Taco bathroom. 188 00:07:46,925 --> 00:07:50,095 Just like, "I can get outta here. No one will know. 189 00:07:50,095 --> 00:07:52,347 (applause) 190 00:07:52,347 --> 00:07:53,723 "If it doesn't flush, I'll just say 191 00:07:53,723 --> 00:07:56,935 it was the Epic Loaded Burrito. It looks the same." 192 00:07:56,935 --> 00:08:00,897 - (laughter) - But... 193 00:08:02,565 --> 00:08:03,942 The giraffe wants to leave. 194 00:08:03,942 --> 00:08:05,777 It knows what a burden this thing is gonna be, 195 00:08:05,777 --> 00:08:07,570 but it stays because it catches a whiff of it, 196 00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:11,574 and it goes like (sniffing), and it kinda smells it and goes, 197 00:08:11,574 --> 00:08:14,244 "Oh, fuck, I think I love it! Fuck! 198 00:08:14,244 --> 00:08:16,454 - (laughter) -"Oh no! 199 00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:19,249 This is gonna get me murdered by a lion. Fuck." 200 00:08:19,249 --> 00:08:22,419 It doesn't even know. It's like, "How did this happen?" 201 00:08:22,419 --> 00:08:25,672 It's kinda going back, like, "When did this..." And then it goes, 202 00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:27,966 "Oh yeah, I got raped that one time 15 months ago 203 00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:31,136 by the other giraffe," because all animal sex is rape. 204 00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:33,972 Sorry to tell you this way, but it's true. 205 00:08:33,972 --> 00:08:35,140 (giggles) 206 00:08:35,807 --> 00:08:37,976 The giraffe's just like, "Oh, I guess it's probably my fault. 207 00:08:37,976 --> 00:08:39,436 "I shouldn't have been wearing animal print. 208 00:08:39,436 --> 00:08:43,523 - No, that was on me. That's on me." - (laughter, cheering) 209 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,235 But I, I... 210 00:08:47,235 --> 00:08:49,946 I get why you have kids. I... 211 00:08:49,946 --> 00:08:52,407 I don't get it. I was trying to be nice. 212 00:08:52,407 --> 00:08:53,992 - (laughter) - I really don't get it. 213 00:08:53,992 --> 00:08:55,326 I don't get it. 214 00:08:55,326 --> 00:08:59,080 I mean, I do think there is something different than me 215 00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:01,499 and people who want kids. I think, um, 216 00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:03,835 I think I'm different than people who want kids 217 00:09:03,835 --> 00:09:07,339 - because I'm... smart. I think that that's mainly it. - (laughter) 218 00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:10,759 I'm a more intelligent person, and I think things through. 219 00:09:10,759 --> 00:09:13,720 No, (laughs) I don't think that. 220 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:16,765 No, I actually think that people that want kids are stupid. 221 00:09:16,765 --> 00:09:18,600 - (cheering) - Like I think they're dumb, 222 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,268 and they just kind of go with whatever. 223 00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:22,520 No, I don't think that at all either. I really don't. 224 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:24,689 Listen, I get why you have kids. 225 00:09:24,689 --> 00:09:26,649 - I'm not so naïve. - (laughter) 226 00:09:26,649 --> 00:09:28,610 Like it's because you love them. 227 00:09:28,610 --> 00:09:30,528 That's a great feeling to feel the love 228 00:09:30,528 --> 00:09:32,113 that you have for your child. 229 00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:35,575 It's a feeling I've heard of, and it sounds so good, 230 00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:37,452 and I might not get to feel it, 231 00:09:37,452 --> 00:09:38,703 and sometimes I get bummed out by that. 232 00:09:38,703 --> 00:09:40,372 I'm like, "Is this a human life worth living 233 00:09:40,372 --> 00:09:42,832 to not feel that great love?" 234 00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:45,043 And then, I think about, you know, you don't get to feel 235 00:09:45,043 --> 00:09:48,463 - every feeling in life that's good, you know? - (laughter) 236 00:09:48,463 --> 00:09:51,758 Like, I also have no plans on doing heroin. 237 00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:54,552 Like I hear that feeling's pretty great. 238 00:09:54,552 --> 00:09:57,889 I hear it might be better than the kid feeling, 239 00:09:57,889 --> 00:10:00,016 - to be honest with you. - (laughter) 240 00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:02,394 Because I know people who have kids who do heroin, 241 00:10:02,394 --> 00:10:04,896 and they're like, "Kids-shmids. Leave 'em in the car. 242 00:10:04,896 --> 00:10:07,565 "Let's go get more heroin. Crack a window. 243 00:10:07,565 --> 00:10:09,859 (laughter) 244 00:10:09,859 --> 00:10:12,696 "Actually, bring the kid. Let's sell it for heroin. 245 00:10:12,696 --> 00:10:16,199 "I don't care about this kid because I love heroin. 246 00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:21,287 "Yes, I'd die for my kids, but I will die of heroin. 247 00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:23,248 - That is certain." - (laughter) 248 00:10:23,248 --> 00:10:25,583 So, I don't know. 249 00:10:25,583 --> 00:10:28,128 Who am I to say what's gonna happen with me? 250 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,212 I could change my mind. 251 00:10:29,212 --> 00:10:30,922 Maybe I just haven't met the right person yet 252 00:10:30,922 --> 00:10:34,259 - to do heroin with, but I just... - (laughter) 253 00:10:35,927 --> 00:10:39,264 Someday, I'll just tie the knot, and it'll be right here. 254 00:10:39,264 --> 00:10:41,766 (laughter, applause) 255 00:10:41,766 --> 00:10:44,644 I think this is the arm with the good vein. I don't know. 256 00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:47,731 (giggles) 257 00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:53,153 I do get-- that love that you feel, holy shit. 258 00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,612 I think that's why I don't want kids 259 00:10:54,612 --> 00:10:56,990 is because I'm actually scared of that love. 260 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:59,534 Loving something that much terrifies me. 261 00:10:59,534 --> 00:11:01,161 That's so brave that you took that on. 262 00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:03,788 If you're a parent, you put your entire life 263 00:11:03,788 --> 00:11:05,415 into the hands of a toddler who's like, 264 00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:08,918 -"Traffic!" Just like, what the fuck? Like... - (laughter) 265 00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:12,547 Do you also free solo climb? 266 00:11:12,547 --> 00:11:15,633 Like, that's crazy that you did that. 267 00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:17,635 That's so risky because I, I mean, 268 00:11:17,635 --> 00:11:19,679 I'm almost mad at my sister for having kids 269 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,723 because the way I feel about my niece and nephew, 270 00:11:21,723 --> 00:11:25,018 if anything ever happened to them, like, I would... 271 00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:27,979 - I'd be okay. I'd be okay eventually. - (laughter) 272 00:11:27,979 --> 00:11:30,440 At first, it would be the worst! 273 00:11:31,399 --> 00:11:33,318 Oh, it'd be awful, but then, like, a Taylor Swift album 274 00:11:33,318 --> 00:11:35,528 would come out. Like, I would kind of like rebound. 275 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:38,531 I would have moments of like, 276 00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:40,033 "I'm back to my old self." But, my sister, 277 00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:42,869 no Taylor Swift will get her out of that, you know? 278 00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:44,746 It's over for her if something happens. 279 00:11:44,746 --> 00:11:46,164 That's extremely risky. 280 00:11:46,164 --> 00:11:48,958 That's really impressive to me to take on that. 281 00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:52,003 I think it's just I look at being a mom, 282 00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:55,674 and I think it's too hard to be a mom for me. I just... 283 00:11:55,674 --> 00:11:57,467 Actually, no. It's not hard to be a mom. 284 00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:59,886 It's hard to be a good mom. That's... 285 00:11:59,886 --> 00:12:01,888 It's easy to be a bad mom. 286 00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:05,225 - That's so easy, but to be a good mom is hard. - (cheering) 287 00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:08,103 To be a bad mom, that's as easy as being a great dad. 288 00:12:08,103 --> 00:12:11,439 - That's what that is. - (laughter) 289 00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:13,233 (cheering) 290 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,694 - Yeah. - (applause) 291 00:12:15,694 --> 00:12:18,113 It's a cakewalk, you know it. 292 00:12:18,113 --> 00:12:20,198 It's not your fault. It's just the way it is. 293 00:12:20,198 --> 00:12:23,076 And I know there are some dads that do just as much as moms, 294 00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:24,828 and it's because your wife is dead. 295 00:12:24,828 --> 00:12:27,038 - (laughter) - That's probably why. 296 00:12:27,038 --> 00:12:29,499 Otherwise, it doesn't happen. 297 00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:34,337 But some people just know, man. Some moms just know. 298 00:12:34,337 --> 00:12:36,715 "I always knew I would be a mom," that's what they say. 299 00:12:36,715 --> 00:12:39,384 (breathy) "I always knew I would be a mom." 300 00:12:39,384 --> 00:12:42,762 (normal) They have to say it with that ethereal, breathy, 301 00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:45,557 - condescending tone. - (laughter) 302 00:12:45,557 --> 00:12:46,933 (breathy) "You struggle with the decision? 303 00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:48,727 I always knew I'd be a mom." 304 00:12:48,727 --> 00:12:49,978 (laughter) 305 00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:53,023 Oh, wow. I always knew I'd mute you on Instagram. 306 00:12:53,023 --> 00:12:54,190 (cheering) 307 00:12:54,190 --> 00:12:57,444 They're like, "I'm a mom. I'm a mom. 308 00:12:57,444 --> 00:13:00,530 I'm a mama bear. I'm a mom-om-om." 309 00:13:01,489 --> 00:13:03,408 (normal) Why do you have to say it like that? Just say, 310 00:13:03,408 --> 00:13:06,661 "I'm a-- I'm a mom." Like you don't have to go, 311 00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:10,081 -"Mom... mm... (smacking) - (laughter) 312 00:13:10,081 --> 00:13:12,542 I wish you could taste how good it feels to be a mom." 313 00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:14,794 (moaning, smacking) 314 00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:17,339 They swallow the "mama." Mm... 315 00:13:17,339 --> 00:13:19,424 Like, I wish you would've swallowed your husband's load 316 00:13:19,424 --> 00:13:22,635 - because this persona that you've adopted? - (laughter) 317 00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:23,803 It's insufferable. 318 00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:26,264 (cheering) 319 00:13:26,264 --> 00:13:28,767 I think some moms think that if you don't have kids, 320 00:13:28,767 --> 00:13:31,061 you're a selfish person, and I get that. 321 00:13:31,061 --> 00:13:34,356 I think it's a little selfish of me to not want kids, 322 00:13:34,356 --> 00:13:35,440 but I'll admit it. Yeah. 323 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:37,942 I just don't feel like devoting my free time 324 00:13:37,942 --> 00:13:39,736 to something that could marry a DJ. 325 00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:43,198 - I just think that's reckless. - (laughter) 326 00:13:43,198 --> 00:13:45,492 (cheering) 327 00:13:46,951 --> 00:13:48,828 And I know that there are moms that are like, 328 00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,997 "I'm just not as self-obsessed anymore. 329 00:13:50,997 --> 00:13:52,665 It's just not about me anymore." And I'm like, 330 00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:54,459 "Yeah, we can tell. 331 00:13:54,459 --> 00:13:57,253 "Your hair looks like you've always rubbed a balloon on it. 332 00:13:57,253 --> 00:13:58,797 (laughter) 333 00:13:58,797 --> 00:14:00,674 "You dress like you work in a toll booth. 334 00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:02,967 "I get it that you don't work on you anymore, 335 00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:06,721 but you focus on your child. That's an extension of you." 336 00:14:06,721 --> 00:14:10,642 Having a kid doesn't make you just a selfless person suddenly. 337 00:14:10,642 --> 00:14:12,268 I don't see women becoming moms and going, 338 00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:14,187 "I'm gonna go volunteer in a soup kitchen. 339 00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:16,147 I'm gonna go build a home in Honduras." 340 00:14:16,147 --> 00:14:17,982 No, you're just feeding Cheerios 341 00:14:17,982 --> 00:14:20,151 to something that looks like you. Like that... 342 00:14:20,151 --> 00:14:22,320 (laughter) 343 00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:25,073 Thank you for doing that. It's a noble job, 344 00:14:25,073 --> 00:14:28,034 but you're treating a problem that you caused. 345 00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:30,829 Like this wouldn't be here if you didn't have it. 346 00:14:30,829 --> 00:14:32,497 (cheering) 347 00:14:32,497 --> 00:14:36,209 It's hard work, but you signed up for it, you know? 348 00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:38,962 You can't be like, "I pick up litter!" And it's like, yeah, 349 00:14:38,962 --> 00:14:40,672 but you threw it there. Like, this isn't... 350 00:14:40,672 --> 00:14:43,675 - (cheering) - (giggles) 351 00:14:45,844 --> 00:14:49,180 I don't think your kids are trash, by the way. That's not what I meant. 352 00:14:49,180 --> 00:14:51,307 I don't. I'm so grateful that you have them 353 00:14:51,307 --> 00:14:53,518 because we need kids. 354 00:14:53,518 --> 00:14:56,104 We need future people to save us 355 00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:58,648 from the state the world is in right now. 356 00:14:58,648 --> 00:15:02,444 I don't know if you've noticed, it's kinda... it's kinda ending. 357 00:15:02,444 --> 00:15:05,947 - (laughter) - Things are coming to a close, and yeah. 358 00:15:05,947 --> 00:15:07,365 Maybe you didn't notice if you had kids 359 00:15:07,365 --> 00:15:09,451 because why would you do that? I mean... 360 00:15:09,451 --> 00:15:11,870 Your kid's gonna graduate high school in a bunker, 361 00:15:11,870 --> 00:15:13,538 - but that's fine. I mean... - (laughter) 362 00:15:13,538 --> 00:15:16,791 I'm sure your kid will be just fine in the water wars, 363 00:15:16,791 --> 00:15:18,710 - I'm sure. Yeah. - (laughter) 364 00:15:18,710 --> 00:15:21,171 Your kid, who won't eat a turkey slice 365 00:15:21,171 --> 00:15:23,798 "Because it touched a pickle!" 366 00:15:23,798 --> 00:15:26,718 (laughter) 367 00:15:26,718 --> 00:15:28,553 He'll be fine eating canned beans 368 00:15:28,553 --> 00:15:31,598 for decades in a hole in the ground. He'll-- 369 00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:36,394 - Finleigh with a "GH" is gonna do just... - (laughter) 370 00:15:36,394 --> 00:15:40,815 just fine scavenging for drinking water 371 00:15:40,815 --> 00:15:44,569 in ammunition craters. Whatever we have to do. 372 00:15:44,569 --> 00:15:46,154 He's gonna be great. 373 00:15:46,154 --> 00:15:48,239 No, if anyone saves us, it's gonna be your kid. 374 00:15:48,239 --> 00:15:50,241 We need someone to save us, 375 00:15:50,241 --> 00:15:52,535 and if someone saves us, it'll be your... 376 00:15:52,535 --> 00:15:55,789 - Well, not your kid, no offense, but... - (laughter) 377 00:15:55,789 --> 00:15:57,248 you paid money to see a comedian 378 00:15:57,248 --> 00:15:58,583 who mostly talks about her pussy, 379 00:15:58,583 --> 00:16:01,211 - so I just don't think that your kid... - (laughter) 380 00:16:01,211 --> 00:16:04,339 Neither would mine. (laughs) And I will talk about my pussy. 381 00:16:04,339 --> 00:16:07,967 - I just wanna let you know. The night is young. - (cheering) 382 00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:10,720 My pussy is old. You'll hear about it. 383 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:13,515 But, yeah, Greta Thunberg's parents aren't here tonight. 384 00:16:13,515 --> 00:16:15,225 - I'm sorry. - (laughter) 385 00:16:15,225 --> 00:16:17,560 Our kids would not save the world. 386 00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:19,104 You know that. I mean, 387 00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:21,856 they might bully the kid who would save the world. 388 00:16:21,856 --> 00:16:23,233 (laughter) 389 00:16:23,233 --> 00:16:24,776 And then, that kid won't save the world 390 00:16:24,776 --> 00:16:28,488 because our kid called them gay on Facebook, so, I mean... 391 00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:30,281 (laughter) 392 00:16:30,281 --> 00:16:33,785 - It's okay. It's... - (woman whoops) 393 00:16:33,785 --> 00:16:35,453 Having kids is smart, actually. 394 00:16:35,453 --> 00:16:38,331 It actually is the smart thing to do. You're wise to do it 395 00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:40,291 because someday you're gonna get old, 396 00:16:40,291 --> 00:16:43,336 and no one is gonna care about you anymore. 397 00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:45,046 Alright? But, 398 00:16:45,046 --> 00:16:46,631 if you have kids, 399 00:16:46,631 --> 00:16:48,967 - someone might? - (laughter) 400 00:16:48,967 --> 00:16:52,762 They might! You might get lucky. 401 00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:54,180 It's gonna be your kid, right? 402 00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:57,183 Having a son or daughter is just having a future person 403 00:16:57,183 --> 00:16:59,644 who's like, "Yeah, I gotta go see Dad later. 404 00:16:59,644 --> 00:17:01,062 (annoyed sigh) 405 00:17:01,062 --> 00:17:02,522 "Yeah, I need to get some more Vicodin. 406 00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:04,399 "So, yeah. 407 00:17:04,399 --> 00:17:07,360 "Gotta go check in on him at the home. 408 00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,696 "Yeah, I hear he's calling the nurses the N-word, 409 00:17:09,696 --> 00:17:12,157 -"so I gotta... - (laughter) 410 00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:14,659 "I gotta go see that... 411 00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:16,786 Because they're white, that's hilarious. So, uh..." 412 00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:18,455 (laughter) 413 00:17:18,455 --> 00:17:20,498 (giggles) It's true. 414 00:17:20,498 --> 00:17:22,834 Your kids will take care of you. That's a good thing to do. 415 00:17:22,834 --> 00:17:24,753 That's insurance. I don't have that. 416 00:17:25,337 --> 00:17:29,132 If I get old, who's gonna care for me? You know? 417 00:17:29,132 --> 00:17:31,843 - speaker: I got you, Nikki! - No, you don't, sir. 418 00:17:31,843 --> 00:17:35,180 (laughter) 419 00:17:35,889 --> 00:17:37,515 I don't think you do. 420 00:17:37,515 --> 00:17:40,101 (cheering) 421 00:17:40,101 --> 00:17:43,188 Famous women do have caretakers when they get older, 422 00:17:43,188 --> 00:17:45,648 but they're gay men, okay? That's our only hope. 423 00:17:45,648 --> 00:17:48,860 - (cheering) - And that didn't sound like one to me. 424 00:17:48,860 --> 00:17:51,613 (applause) 425 00:17:51,613 --> 00:17:53,531 Yeah, I do worry about that. I'm like, 426 00:17:53,531 --> 00:17:56,993 "What if I don't have kids? Who's gonna care for me?" 427 00:17:56,993 --> 00:17:59,871 Not my niece and nephew after that fucking joke I just told, 428 00:17:59,871 --> 00:18:02,499 - so... - (laughter) 429 00:18:02,499 --> 00:18:05,335 I gotta have a plan. And I do have a plan 430 00:18:05,335 --> 00:18:07,379 because I always forget I'm gonna kill myself. 431 00:18:07,379 --> 00:18:10,965 - I always... Duh! - (laughter) 432 00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:14,386 - Yeah. I know, but, like... - (applause) 433 00:18:14,386 --> 00:18:17,222 (breathy) I've, like, always known I was gonna kill myself. 434 00:18:17,222 --> 00:18:21,059 - (laughter) - Like, I've just, like, always known. 435 00:18:21,059 --> 00:18:22,394 Mm... 436 00:18:24,562 --> 00:18:26,189 (normal) No, I'm not gonna do it anytime soon. 437 00:18:26,189 --> 00:18:27,816 Don't worry. I know that's grim. 438 00:18:27,816 --> 00:18:30,193 It'll be so far in the future. 439 00:18:30,193 --> 00:18:32,028 You'll hear about it, I swear to God, and you'll go, 440 00:18:32,028 --> 00:18:34,781 -"Wait, who?" Like... - (laughter) 441 00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:37,242 You'll go, "Oh, wait, yeah. I think we went to go see her, 442 00:18:37,242 --> 00:18:39,411 "like, 40 years ago. 443 00:18:39,411 --> 00:18:41,287 "I think she talked about that! Oh, my God! 444 00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:44,165 -"She did? Good for her. Ah! - (laughter) 445 00:18:44,165 --> 00:18:46,584 "Yeah. I remember that night in Seattle, 446 00:18:46,584 --> 00:18:48,920 when it was still above water. That was fun." 447 00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:51,256 (laughter) 448 00:18:53,550 --> 00:18:56,261 Yeah, the thoughts of death, I don't like to dwell on them 449 00:18:56,261 --> 00:18:59,431 for longer than, like, 10 or 15 hours a day, so... 450 00:18:59,431 --> 00:19:02,350 (laughter) 451 00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:04,102 I hope that when I get to the end of my life, 452 00:19:04,102 --> 00:19:05,603 I'm just like, "Oh, I have to die? 453 00:19:05,603 --> 00:19:08,440 -"Thank God. Jesus Christ. - (laughter) 454 00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:12,152 "This has been so long. I'm just ready for a break, you know? 455 00:19:12,152 --> 00:19:13,945 "I just really wanna unplug... 456 00:19:13,945 --> 00:19:17,949 -"that ventilator. Please. Just let me go. - (laughter) 457 00:19:17,949 --> 00:19:20,118 Anyone? Anyone?" 458 00:19:20,118 --> 00:19:23,246 - I'll be alone. I don't have kids. - (cheering) 459 00:19:23,246 --> 00:19:25,290 But it has to happen! 460 00:19:25,290 --> 00:19:27,917 You have to die at some point, and I don't like that. 461 00:19:28,418 --> 00:19:30,128 But that's the thing about death. It has to happen. 462 00:19:30,128 --> 00:19:31,963 We all know it. And I don't like 463 00:19:31,963 --> 00:19:33,631 that I just have to wait and see, like, 464 00:19:33,631 --> 00:19:35,550 (funny voice) "What's gonna happen? How's it gonna-- 465 00:19:35,550 --> 00:19:37,469 How am I gonna go?" You know? 466 00:19:37,469 --> 00:19:40,221 (normal) I like to choose my own adventure. 467 00:19:40,221 --> 00:19:43,516 I'm a DIY kind of gal, you know? 468 00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:45,935 I wanna get crafty. I wanna go to a Michael's 469 00:19:45,935 --> 00:19:47,562 and pick out some sturdy yarn, 470 00:19:47,562 --> 00:19:51,149 - crochet a noose. I don't know. I'm just... - (laughter) 471 00:19:51,149 --> 00:19:53,610 Think it could be fun. 472 00:19:53,610 --> 00:19:54,736 But it sucks in America. 473 00:19:54,736 --> 00:19:57,364 You just have to die of whatever you get, you know? 474 00:19:57,364 --> 00:19:59,657 Your dog doesn't have to. You can put down your dog 475 00:19:59,657 --> 00:20:02,786 - if its hip kind of hurts. - (laughter) 476 00:20:02,786 --> 00:20:03,953 They're so lucky. 477 00:20:03,953 --> 00:20:06,498 Can you imagine going to your doctor and being like, 478 00:20:06,498 --> 00:20:10,502 "My acid reflux is just flaring up recently, so... 479 00:20:10,502 --> 00:20:13,296 -"can we just end it? Like, can we just... - (laughter) 480 00:20:13,296 --> 00:20:16,424 It's been a good life. It's time." 481 00:20:18,385 --> 00:20:19,844 It's a compassionate thing to do for your dog. 482 00:20:19,844 --> 00:20:21,680 People are like, "We had to put down Stripey 483 00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:24,974 "because she can't walk down the stairs anymore, 484 00:20:24,974 --> 00:20:27,102 and that's not a life worth living." 485 00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:31,272 But Grandma can only communicate with her eyeballs, 486 00:20:31,272 --> 00:20:35,485 yet we just think she's got more life to live. 487 00:20:36,027 --> 00:20:38,863 Let's keep paying $8,000 a month 488 00:20:38,863 --> 00:20:41,700 because there's more chapters to her story! 489 00:20:41,700 --> 00:20:45,453 - (laughter) - There are! I mean, just yesterday, 490 00:20:45,453 --> 00:20:48,164 she bit a nurse, so who's to say? 491 00:20:48,707 --> 00:20:50,875 (giggles) Yeah, I hope to be able to die 492 00:20:50,875 --> 00:20:54,462 with dignity when I want to. Euthanasia, peacefully. 493 00:20:55,171 --> 00:20:56,339 But I don't know, man. 494 00:20:56,339 --> 00:20:58,425 I think I might have to just blow my head off. 495 00:20:58,425 --> 00:21:00,385 I know it's rough, but it's quick, 496 00:21:00,385 --> 00:21:02,679 and guns are easier to get in this country than compassion, 497 00:21:02,679 --> 00:21:05,390 - so what am I supposed to do? - (laughter) 498 00:21:05,390 --> 00:21:09,185 (applause, cheering) 499 00:21:09,185 --> 00:21:11,396 It's not fair. 500 00:21:11,730 --> 00:21:14,232 My mom hates that joke. She goes, "Stop telling people 501 00:21:14,232 --> 00:21:15,734 "you're gonna blow your head off. 502 00:21:15,734 --> 00:21:18,236 "No one wants to hear. That's disgusting. It's disturbing! 503 00:21:18,236 --> 00:21:19,863 I don't wanna think about that!" 504 00:21:19,863 --> 00:21:21,990 And I go, "You know what, Mom? Actually, you're right. 505 00:21:21,990 --> 00:21:23,241 "That is really disturbing. 506 00:21:23,241 --> 00:21:25,493 "For you, I'll die of esophageal cancer. 507 00:21:25,493 --> 00:21:27,495 -"Is that better for you? - (laughter) 508 00:21:27,495 --> 00:21:29,414 "I want you there for it. It'll look something like this. 509 00:21:29,414 --> 00:21:30,707 "I'll be in a wheelchair, just like... 510 00:21:30,707 --> 00:21:34,586 - (gagged yelling) - (laughter) 511 00:21:37,339 --> 00:21:40,258 "For, like, 11 minutes. Is that cool? 512 00:21:40,258 --> 00:21:42,510 "Until I finally choke and drown on my own saliva. 513 00:21:42,510 --> 00:21:44,220 "I'll lock eyes with you the entire time. 514 00:21:44,220 --> 00:21:45,972 -"I think you should be there! - (laughter) 515 00:21:45,972 --> 00:21:48,475 That's better than me blowing my head off, right?" 516 00:21:49,100 --> 00:21:51,519 Neither are ideal, but at least if I blow my head off, 517 00:21:51,519 --> 00:21:53,146 I could stuff my mouth with confetti. 518 00:21:53,146 --> 00:21:56,816 - We'll do a gender reveal. I don't know, let's just... - (laughter) 519 00:21:56,816 --> 00:21:58,943 It could be festive! 520 00:22:00,487 --> 00:22:02,280 We'll usher one life into the world 521 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:04,949 as we snuff out my own. I think it could be cool. 522 00:22:06,451 --> 00:22:07,911 Listen, I know this is taboo. 523 00:22:07,911 --> 00:22:10,413 I know suicide is a scourge on our nation, 524 00:22:10,413 --> 00:22:13,375 and it's a subject that's a little touchy, 525 00:22:13,375 --> 00:22:16,252 but I actually feel like I have a right to talk about it 526 00:22:16,252 --> 00:22:18,546 because... (sighs) 527 00:22:18,546 --> 00:22:21,675 uh, I'm gonna kill myself someday, so, like, I... 528 00:22:21,675 --> 00:22:23,426 (laughter) 529 00:22:23,426 --> 00:22:27,430 I'm a future victim of it, so I can talk about it. 530 00:22:27,430 --> 00:22:29,015 That's what comedians do a lot of times. 531 00:22:29,015 --> 00:22:31,768 They'll like caveat a joke that they're scared to tell 532 00:22:31,768 --> 00:22:33,770 because they don't wanna get canceled, so they'll be like, 533 00:22:33,770 --> 00:22:37,190 "But I can do this because bah bah bah bah." You know? 534 00:22:37,190 --> 00:22:38,525 Like, if I were to say right now, 535 00:22:38,525 --> 00:22:40,151 "Guys, I'm gonna do some rape jokes," 536 00:22:40,151 --> 00:22:43,655 - you might go, "Go back to the suicide stuff, please." - (laughter) 537 00:22:43,655 --> 00:22:45,365 But if I said, "But I can do these jokes 538 00:22:45,365 --> 00:22:46,658 because I've been raped," 539 00:22:46,658 --> 00:22:49,035 you'd go, "Oh, thank God she was raped. Okay, good. 540 00:22:49,035 --> 00:22:52,455 - (laughter) -"Hoo! I thought she hadn't been raped. 541 00:22:52,455 --> 00:22:54,874 "Thank God she was brutally raped. 542 00:22:54,874 --> 00:22:56,668 Now, I can relax. 543 00:22:56,668 --> 00:22:59,838 - I was nervous before." - (laughter) 544 00:22:59,838 --> 00:23:01,506 That seems weird. 545 00:23:01,506 --> 00:23:03,341 But comedians are scared of getting canceled, 546 00:23:03,341 --> 00:23:05,176 so they have to do these caveats. 547 00:23:05,176 --> 00:23:06,678 They either say, "It happened to me," 548 00:23:06,678 --> 00:23:09,055 or they'll say, "My family has this," 549 00:23:09,055 --> 00:23:11,683 and then they throw their relative under the bus 550 00:23:11,683 --> 00:23:14,102 just to make their joke. You've seen this before. 551 00:23:14,102 --> 00:23:16,813 There'll be a comedian that has a really bad take 552 00:23:16,813 --> 00:23:18,940 on trans people, and they'll do all these jokes, 553 00:23:18,940 --> 00:23:20,734 and then they go, "I can do these jokes, actually, 554 00:23:20,734 --> 00:23:22,569 "because I have a trans sister... radio, 555 00:23:22,569 --> 00:23:24,612 -"and I listen to Fox News on it. - (laughter) 556 00:23:24,612 --> 00:23:27,991 "So I'm misinformed and I'm an asshole, 557 00:23:27,991 --> 00:23:31,703 and I think it's weird. I think they're weird." 558 00:23:31,703 --> 00:23:34,289 I'm like, "Can you transition into less of a cunt? 559 00:23:34,289 --> 00:23:38,168 - Is that possible?" - (cheering) 560 00:23:38,168 --> 00:23:40,628 (applause) 561 00:23:40,628 --> 00:23:43,089 So annoying. It's true. 562 00:23:43,715 --> 00:23:46,384 I have jokes though that I wanna do that I can't 563 00:23:46,384 --> 00:23:49,262 because I don't have any family members with, uh, 564 00:23:49,262 --> 00:23:50,847 autism. That's the jokes I have. 565 00:23:50,847 --> 00:23:54,517 I can't. I have autism jokes because I've dated guys with it, 566 00:23:54,517 --> 00:23:56,728 and they were diagnosed by me and TikTok, 567 00:23:56,728 --> 00:23:58,730 - so I know that they have it. - (laughter) 568 00:23:58,730 --> 00:24:01,524 It's confirmed, but I can't do the jokes 569 00:24:01,524 --> 00:24:04,277 because I don't have any family members with autism. 570 00:24:04,277 --> 00:24:05,779 I will say my nephew is two and a half, 571 00:24:05,779 --> 00:24:08,865 and he isn't talking yet, so fingers crossed, but like... 572 00:24:08,865 --> 00:24:11,576 (laughter) 573 00:24:12,619 --> 00:24:15,872 We didn't get a diagnosis in time for this special, so mm! 574 00:24:15,872 --> 00:24:18,500 (laughs) It's a bummer. 575 00:24:18,500 --> 00:24:20,085 I'll get canceled at some point. 576 00:24:20,085 --> 00:24:24,047 The cancel train is coming for old Glase-talk, for sure. 577 00:24:24,047 --> 00:24:26,508 And my nephew is gonna love that train because... 578 00:24:26,508 --> 00:24:29,094 - But, um... - (laughter) 579 00:24:29,094 --> 00:24:32,722 I got one in. I got one in! 580 00:24:32,722 --> 00:24:33,848 (giggles) 581 00:24:33,848 --> 00:24:36,184 No, but I really do suffer with suicidal thoughts. 582 00:24:36,184 --> 00:24:39,646 I have depression. I get suicidal thoughts quite often, 583 00:24:39,646 --> 00:24:41,606 and it's something I've struggled with a long time, 584 00:24:41,606 --> 00:24:44,317 and I've felt alone a lot of times 585 00:24:44,317 --> 00:24:45,902 with my suicidal thoughts. But then, 586 00:24:45,902 --> 00:24:47,987 I actually talked about it for the first time 587 00:24:47,987 --> 00:24:50,532 on the Joe Rogan podcast, and the response I got, 588 00:24:50,532 --> 00:24:52,200 it was crazy. 589 00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:54,452 I got hundreds of DMs telling me, 590 00:24:54,452 --> 00:24:56,955 "You should kill yourself." And so, I was like, 591 00:24:56,955 --> 00:25:01,042 other people think it, too. I'm not alone, you know? 592 00:25:01,835 --> 00:25:03,628 No, they're very common, and if you get them, 593 00:25:03,628 --> 00:25:05,046 please don't listen to them. 594 00:25:05,046 --> 00:25:07,215 I know that if they ever get too loud for me, 595 00:25:07,215 --> 00:25:09,259 I'm gonna call the number 988. 596 00:25:09,259 --> 00:25:11,803 It's a hotline, 24 hours a day. There's someone there 597 00:25:11,803 --> 00:25:14,639 - who will listen to you... kill yourself. - (cheering) 598 00:25:14,639 --> 00:25:16,433 (laughter, applause) 599 00:25:16,433 --> 00:25:19,686 No. Call 988. You have to call it. 600 00:25:19,686 --> 00:25:21,229 Please, please, please do. 601 00:25:21,229 --> 00:25:23,231 It's just like 911, but it's 988. 602 00:25:23,231 --> 00:25:25,025 Please remember it, 988. 603 00:25:25,025 --> 00:25:26,484 Don't call 911. 604 00:25:26,484 --> 00:25:28,820 For some reason, they had to create a new number. 605 00:25:28,820 --> 00:25:30,697 I guess people were calling 911, like, 606 00:25:30,697 --> 00:25:32,490 "I think I'm gonna kill myself," and they're like, 607 00:25:32,490 --> 00:25:35,201 "Call us when you do," and just hang up. I... 608 00:25:35,201 --> 00:25:38,329 - (laughter) - Okay. 609 00:25:40,457 --> 00:25:42,625 It's really hard to get out of depression. 610 00:25:42,625 --> 00:25:43,960 Sometimes, the best way to do it 611 00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:47,339 is just to get out of your own head and to give back, 612 00:25:47,339 --> 00:25:49,591 and I actually decided tonight to donate the proceeds 613 00:25:49,591 --> 00:25:52,218 from this show directly to this natural disaster 614 00:25:52,218 --> 00:25:56,306 I've been following. There is a landslide currently happening 615 00:25:56,306 --> 00:25:59,017 on my face. It's my skin 616 00:25:59,017 --> 00:26:01,019 slipping off my skull, 617 00:26:01,019 --> 00:26:03,438 like hot cheese off a slice of pizza 618 00:26:03,438 --> 00:26:05,398 that you pulled out too fast. 619 00:26:05,398 --> 00:26:06,816 - It's alarming. - (applause) 620 00:26:07,359 --> 00:26:10,111 - Is anyone else aging? Jesus Christ. - speaker: Yeah! 621 00:26:10,111 --> 00:26:12,030 Yeah. Oh, I can tell. 622 00:26:12,030 --> 00:26:15,367 - (laughter) - It's-- No, I can't see you. 623 00:26:15,367 --> 00:26:18,036 Gravity is such a cunt, dude, I can't... 624 00:26:18,036 --> 00:26:19,120 (laughter) 625 00:26:19,120 --> 00:26:21,664 What I want, I'm gonna use the money from tonight, 626 00:26:21,664 --> 00:26:25,293 I'm gonna get a brow lift. Like, I just want this. 627 00:26:25,293 --> 00:26:27,754 I know I want this because every time I'm stressed out, 628 00:26:27,754 --> 00:26:29,714 and I'm like, "Oh, God! I have so much to do," 629 00:26:29,714 --> 00:26:31,466 I'm like, "Oh, my God, snatch." 630 00:26:31,466 --> 00:26:33,551 - (laughter) - I'll look in the mirror, like, 631 00:26:33,551 --> 00:26:35,970 "Okay! What? 632 00:26:35,970 --> 00:26:38,890 I've never felt worse, but I've never looked better." 633 00:26:38,890 --> 00:26:41,351 - (laughter) - I like love bad news now. 634 00:26:41,351 --> 00:26:44,771 When I hear about a mass shooting, I'm like, "No! Again?" 635 00:26:44,771 --> 00:26:47,232 And then I'm like, "Wait, am I on 'Selling Sunset'? 636 00:26:47,232 --> 00:26:49,901 -"What's happening? Tell me how many casualties. - (laughter) 637 00:26:49,901 --> 00:26:53,029 - 47? Oh, Chrishell!" - (cheering) 638 00:26:53,947 --> 00:26:54,989 (giggles) 639 00:26:55,615 --> 00:26:56,908 (sighs) There's a shooting every day, 640 00:26:56,908 --> 00:27:00,203 so it's been really good for my skin. Um... 641 00:27:00,870 --> 00:27:02,080 People don't want you to get face work. 642 00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:03,415 My boyfriend's like, "Don't do it. 643 00:27:03,415 --> 00:27:05,333 Don't do anything to your perfect face. Do your tits." 644 00:27:05,333 --> 00:27:08,837 - And I go, "What? What did you..." - (laughter) 645 00:27:10,922 --> 00:27:13,216 I'll get to these. I don't need to get to 'em any time soon. 646 00:27:13,216 --> 00:27:15,635 I mean, they're definitely falling, but, like, 647 00:27:15,635 --> 00:27:17,971 this is kinda in right now, you know? 648 00:27:17,971 --> 00:27:20,223 Fashion-wise, under-boob is so in. 649 00:27:20,223 --> 00:27:24,144 Side-boob, so cool, and that is all I have. 650 00:27:24,144 --> 00:27:25,770 (laughter, cheering) 651 00:27:25,770 --> 00:27:27,939 I got so much under-boob, so much side-boob. 652 00:27:27,939 --> 00:27:31,234 - I got no top-boob, none. - (cheering) 653 00:27:31,234 --> 00:27:34,612 I haven't had top-boob since Whitney Houston died. I mean, that was... 654 00:27:34,612 --> 00:27:35,947 (scattered groans) 655 00:27:35,947 --> 00:27:38,825 It was seriously around that time! Now, it's just... 656 00:27:38,825 --> 00:27:40,201 I mean, it's kinda changed my life. 657 00:27:40,201 --> 00:27:42,912 - Titty fucking is better. - (laughter) 658 00:27:42,912 --> 00:27:46,249 My boyfriend just puts his penis next to my rib, 659 00:27:46,249 --> 00:27:50,128 and I flop over my tit like a weighted blanket, 660 00:27:50,128 --> 00:27:52,380 and then I just move from side to side. 661 00:27:52,380 --> 00:27:54,466 - I just go like this. - (cheering) 662 00:27:54,466 --> 00:27:57,802 He stands next to the bed. I kneel, 663 00:27:57,802 --> 00:27:59,804 and I just, I do this. I'm like a cactus. 664 00:27:59,804 --> 00:28:02,098 One of those cactuses with sunglasses that's like, 665 00:28:02,098 --> 00:28:04,309 (humming) It's so easy! 666 00:28:04,309 --> 00:28:06,561 I used to have to smush it and be like, "Wah!" 667 00:28:06,561 --> 00:28:09,481 - But now, it's just (humming). - (laughter) 668 00:28:09,481 --> 00:28:10,899 It's great for older women. 669 00:28:10,899 --> 00:28:12,942 That's definitely what they were doing in the fantasy suite 670 00:28:12,942 --> 00:28:15,653 on "The Golden Bachelor." That is absolutely... 671 00:28:15,653 --> 00:28:18,656 They were just doing the funky cactus all night long. 672 00:28:18,656 --> 00:28:20,992 (laughter) 673 00:28:22,744 --> 00:28:24,704 But yeah, aging blows. 674 00:28:24,704 --> 00:28:28,708 And if you're younger than me, girls in your 20s... 675 00:28:28,708 --> 00:28:31,795 - and 30s... (laughs) Fuck. - (laughter) 676 00:28:31,795 --> 00:28:34,339 I forgot how old I am. I'm in my late 30s, okay? 677 00:28:34,339 --> 00:28:36,508 I'm in my latest 30, and so... 678 00:28:36,508 --> 00:28:37,842 (laughter) 679 00:28:37,842 --> 00:28:39,844 Holdin' on. But yeah. 680 00:28:39,844 --> 00:28:42,347 You will age. Everyone, all girls in your 20s, 681 00:28:42,347 --> 00:28:44,140 you will age. I know you think you won't. 682 00:28:44,724 --> 00:28:47,310 I used to be like you. You'd look at women like me or older, 683 00:28:47,310 --> 00:28:49,104 and you just kind of go like, "That's so sad. 684 00:28:49,104 --> 00:28:53,024 "What's happening to her neck? Like, that's such a bummer. 685 00:28:53,733 --> 00:28:55,652 "That's not gonna happen to me. I don't know. 686 00:28:55,652 --> 00:28:58,196 "I just don't wanna age. I just don't feel like it. 687 00:28:58,196 --> 00:29:00,323 "I know my mom and grandmother did, 688 00:29:00,323 --> 00:29:03,785 but our generation's different. Like I wanna travel. You know?" 689 00:29:03,785 --> 00:29:05,787 - (laughter) - It's like, "What? 690 00:29:05,787 --> 00:29:07,789 No, you're gonna age. You will." 691 00:29:07,789 --> 00:29:10,208 This area, this... (laughs) 692 00:29:10,208 --> 00:29:13,503 - I know you see this, and you go, "Oh, no." - (laughter) 693 00:29:13,503 --> 00:29:15,755 But that's your future, man. Your neck is also gonna look 694 00:29:15,755 --> 00:29:18,008 like an old tarp next to your dad's shed. 695 00:29:18,008 --> 00:29:21,386 - (laughter) - This is all falling down. 696 00:29:21,386 --> 00:29:23,555 It will! Please keep vaping. 697 00:29:23,555 --> 00:29:24,848 (laughter) 698 00:29:24,848 --> 00:29:27,892 Please, please keep vaping. 699 00:29:29,269 --> 00:29:32,397 Everything goes. This buttress falls. 700 00:29:32,397 --> 00:29:35,400 Your eyelids. I actually sent a picture of my eyelids 701 00:29:35,400 --> 00:29:38,945 - for the inspiration for this backdrop. That was... - (laughter) 702 00:29:38,945 --> 00:29:42,198 - That's my upper eyelid. - (applause) 703 00:29:42,198 --> 00:29:44,659 That's my left labia. 704 00:29:44,659 --> 00:29:47,746 (laughter) 705 00:29:47,746 --> 00:29:48,955 I f-- (laughs) 706 00:29:48,955 --> 00:29:52,125 My pussy is falling as well. It's all falling. 707 00:29:52,125 --> 00:29:54,252 You don't even think about it. You don't think about that part. 708 00:29:54,252 --> 00:29:56,588 You're so obsessed with your face because you see it all the time, 709 00:29:56,588 --> 00:29:59,549 but I saw my vagina the other day. 710 00:29:59,549 --> 00:30:01,551 We ran into each other in the bathtub. 711 00:30:01,551 --> 00:30:05,263 - (laughter) - And I try not to see that thing too often. 712 00:30:05,263 --> 00:30:07,182 I don't like seeing it. It bums me out. 713 00:30:07,182 --> 00:30:10,852 It's like reading the news. I'm depressed for a couple days, 714 00:30:10,852 --> 00:30:12,812 can't shake it. 715 00:30:12,812 --> 00:30:14,731 I try to see my pussy as often as, uh, 716 00:30:14,731 --> 00:30:17,609 as my dentist sees it, so that's... 717 00:30:17,609 --> 00:30:19,319 - (laughter) - Yeah. 718 00:30:19,319 --> 00:30:21,488 I'm just so worried it's gonna grow teeth. 719 00:30:21,488 --> 00:30:24,157 It's a weird fear of mine. 720 00:30:24,157 --> 00:30:25,867 He checks, he goes, "There's no teeth." 721 00:30:25,867 --> 00:30:27,827 And I go, "Just wanted you to check." 722 00:30:27,827 --> 00:30:29,287 He's like, "All I see is one big cavity," 723 00:30:29,287 --> 00:30:32,999 - and I go, "Okay. Ha, ha, ha." - (laughter) 724 00:30:33,750 --> 00:30:36,461 He's like, "I can fill it for you," and I go, "Enough!" 725 00:30:36,461 --> 00:30:38,046 (laughter) 726 00:30:38,630 --> 00:30:40,924 I gotta make an effort to see my vagina more often. 727 00:30:40,924 --> 00:30:43,259 I gotta (laughs) put an alarm on my phone. 728 00:30:43,259 --> 00:30:45,387 Because if you wait too long, it changes too much, 729 00:30:45,387 --> 00:30:46,805 and it's jarring. 730 00:30:46,805 --> 00:30:48,932 It's like seeing a nephew you only see, like, 731 00:30:48,932 --> 00:30:50,767 once a year at Christmas. You're like, 732 00:30:50,767 --> 00:30:52,602 "you've grown so much. Oh, my God! 733 00:30:52,602 --> 00:30:56,773 -"Now you have a mustache? What? Oh, what's happening? - (laughter) 734 00:30:56,773 --> 00:30:58,483 Time flies." 735 00:30:58,483 --> 00:31:00,819 Yeah, I saw my vagina just a few weeks ago. 736 00:31:00,819 --> 00:31:03,405 I was on the road. I was in Milwaukee. 737 00:31:03,405 --> 00:31:07,158 I decided to take a bath in this DoubleTree tub. 738 00:31:07,158 --> 00:31:09,869 I had no bubbles, which bubbles, y-- 739 00:31:09,869 --> 00:31:11,329 If you take a bath, bubbles-- 740 00:31:11,329 --> 00:31:14,207 that's why old women use bubbles in bathtubs. 741 00:31:14,207 --> 00:31:16,084 - (laughter) - It hides the truth. 742 00:31:16,084 --> 00:31:18,670 It's just, you don't wanna see that shit. 743 00:31:18,670 --> 00:31:19,963 But I had no bubbles. 744 00:31:19,963 --> 00:31:22,007 It's just this stark DoubleTree bathroom, 745 00:31:22,007 --> 00:31:23,299 autopsy lighting. 746 00:31:23,299 --> 00:31:25,343 I'm in a tub that someone's definitely shit in 747 00:31:25,343 --> 00:31:26,553 in the past two weeks. 748 00:31:26,553 --> 00:31:27,846 (laughter) 749 00:31:27,846 --> 00:31:30,515 I think that's the DoubleTree promise, you know? 750 00:31:31,182 --> 00:31:33,226 You get two warm cookies upon check-in, 751 00:31:33,226 --> 00:31:36,855 and someone's definitely shit in your tub in the past two weeks. 752 00:31:36,855 --> 00:31:39,065 We guarantee it. 753 00:31:39,065 --> 00:31:41,276 But I'm in this tub, and I turn off the water, 754 00:31:41,276 --> 00:31:43,862 and then the water just gets a little too still, 755 00:31:43,862 --> 00:31:45,905 and I just caught its eye. I'm like... 756 00:31:45,905 --> 00:31:47,699 - (laughter) - I just, "Oh, my God." 757 00:31:47,699 --> 00:31:51,244 And then, I'm face-to-face with it, and I'm looking at it, 758 00:31:51,244 --> 00:31:53,038 and that face 759 00:31:53,038 --> 00:31:56,666 is Mitch McConnell's. I mean, it is a dead ringer. 760 00:31:56,666 --> 00:31:58,793 (cheering) 761 00:31:58,793 --> 00:32:00,920 It was befuddled, jowly. 762 00:32:00,920 --> 00:32:04,883 It was like (burbling). 763 00:32:04,883 --> 00:32:06,343 I was like, "Oh, my God, he's drowning!" 764 00:32:06,343 --> 00:32:09,179 I got him out. I dried him off. I go, "What is it, boy?" 765 00:32:09,179 --> 00:32:10,388 (burbling) 766 00:32:10,388 --> 00:32:12,182 I was like, "Take that string out of your mouth." 767 00:32:12,182 --> 00:32:14,434 - So, I pulled it out, and... - (laughter) 768 00:32:14,434 --> 00:32:16,603 I'm like, "Now, you're bleeding!" But, no. 769 00:32:17,771 --> 00:32:18,813 It sucks. 770 00:32:19,689 --> 00:32:23,651 It's what it looks like. It's happening. It's dropping. 771 00:32:23,651 --> 00:32:25,320 My pussy's dropping... 772 00:32:25,820 --> 00:32:27,489 outta high school. It's, uh, 773 00:32:27,489 --> 00:32:30,408 it's hanging with the wrong crowd. My ankles. But... 774 00:32:30,408 --> 00:32:33,078 (laughter) 775 00:32:33,787 --> 00:32:35,121 I just miss my old vagina. 776 00:32:35,121 --> 00:32:37,582 I used to have a wet ass pussy. 777 00:32:37,582 --> 00:32:38,750 (cheering) 778 00:32:38,750 --> 00:32:40,669 I did. Now that song, I hear it, 779 00:32:40,669 --> 00:32:44,255 - I get nostalgic. I get like misty-eyed. - (laughter) 780 00:32:44,255 --> 00:32:46,007 Tear up. It's like (laughs)-- 781 00:32:46,007 --> 00:32:47,842 It's like listening to Cat Stevens. 782 00:32:47,842 --> 00:32:50,387 (laughter) 783 00:32:50,387 --> 00:32:53,014 "I remember." Yeah, I don't have a wet ass-- 784 00:32:53,014 --> 00:32:56,142 I don't have a WAP anymore. I have... 785 00:32:56,142 --> 00:32:58,144 I have a dry, irritable crotch. 786 00:32:58,144 --> 00:32:59,896 - I have a... - (laughter) 787 00:32:59,896 --> 00:33:02,273 I have a dick is what I have. I have a-- 788 00:33:02,273 --> 00:33:04,442 - (cheering) - I have a dick. Any-- 789 00:33:04,442 --> 00:33:06,778 Where are my chicks with dicks at? 790 00:33:06,778 --> 00:33:09,489 - (laughter) - 35-plus. 791 00:33:10,532 --> 00:33:11,658 It's just, it's... 792 00:33:12,117 --> 00:33:14,744 I miss my 20s, man. I was wet all the time. 793 00:33:15,328 --> 00:33:18,081 I just, I didn't know what I had when I had it. 794 00:33:18,498 --> 00:33:21,418 I was like annoyed by it. You're wet your whole 20s. 795 00:33:21,418 --> 00:33:23,753 I mean, I worked at SeaWorld, so that was part of it, 796 00:33:23,753 --> 00:33:26,214 - but God. (giggles) - (cheering) 797 00:33:26,214 --> 00:33:29,592 - Animal cruelty just turns me on so much, but. - (laughter) 798 00:33:30,218 --> 00:33:32,971 No. Your 20s, you're wet all the time. You're annoyed by it. 799 00:33:32,971 --> 00:33:34,431 You're just constantly walking around 800 00:33:34,431 --> 00:33:36,433 with a little dollop of hair gel in your panties. 801 00:33:36,433 --> 00:33:39,561 - So, it's like, "Ugh, that's gross." - (laughter) 802 00:33:39,561 --> 00:33:41,938 You forget about it. You go to the bathroom, 803 00:33:41,938 --> 00:33:44,524 you're just like kinda having a mundane pee. 804 00:33:44,524 --> 00:33:47,110 Then you go to wipe, and you forget how slick you are. 805 00:33:47,110 --> 00:33:49,320 You hit a patch, you hydroplane. You're like, 806 00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:52,615 -"Ah, Jesus Christ! Ow..." - (laughter) 807 00:33:52,615 --> 00:33:55,285 You hit your hand on the stall door. You're like, 808 00:33:55,285 --> 00:33:58,413 "Who did this to me? What the fuck? 809 00:33:59,456 --> 00:34:01,499 "Who do I need to leave my boyfriend for? 810 00:34:01,499 --> 00:34:05,503 - My Jesus Christ. Sloppy, sloppy." - (laughter) 811 00:34:06,755 --> 00:34:10,508 I rarely like get that (blows) like that gush anymore. 812 00:34:10,508 --> 00:34:13,970 Sometimes, it happens. I remember whenever it does 813 00:34:13,970 --> 00:34:15,889 because it's just my last moments 814 00:34:15,889 --> 00:34:17,849 of like (sputtering) try to make a kid, 815 00:34:17,849 --> 00:34:19,351 fertility. 816 00:34:19,351 --> 00:34:22,062 Feels like God's just doing this with a ketchup bottle, 817 00:34:22,062 --> 00:34:24,230 - (blowing) like the last remnants. - (laughter) 818 00:34:24,230 --> 00:34:25,774 "Come on, we got it." 819 00:34:25,774 --> 00:34:28,276 - (applause) - (giggles) 820 00:34:29,694 --> 00:34:32,197 But, girls, just enjoy your fuckability while you have it 821 00:34:32,197 --> 00:34:35,950 because it's gonna go away, and mine is fading. 822 00:34:35,950 --> 00:34:39,245 I know that. I got into an Uber the other day, 823 00:34:39,245 --> 00:34:42,248 and I rolled up with a bunch of suitcases, 824 00:34:42,248 --> 00:34:44,376 and the Uber driver just popped the trunk 825 00:34:44,376 --> 00:34:47,671 - and sat in the front seat. - (laughter) 826 00:34:48,630 --> 00:34:51,966 Great. I was like, is this the first sign of menopause? 827 00:34:51,966 --> 00:34:56,596 What's happening right now? Why isn't this man helping me? 828 00:34:56,596 --> 00:34:58,223 Because it's great when you're fuckable. 829 00:34:58,223 --> 00:34:59,474 Men wanna help you all the time. 830 00:34:59,474 --> 00:35:00,767 They do such nice things for you. 831 00:35:00,767 --> 00:35:03,228 They get their bags for you. They open doors for you. 832 00:35:03,228 --> 00:35:05,563 They pay for your college tuition. Thanks, Dad. 833 00:35:05,563 --> 00:35:09,150 - (laughter) - I don't wanna question why he did it. (giggles) 834 00:35:10,485 --> 00:35:11,986 But I'm a rangy broad, man. 835 00:35:11,986 --> 00:35:13,738 Like, I know what it's like to be fuckable, 836 00:35:13,738 --> 00:35:16,324 and I know what it's like to not be fuckable. 837 00:35:16,324 --> 00:35:18,660 I do. I straddle both worlds. I really do. 838 00:35:18,660 --> 00:35:21,538 With enough hair and makeup and good lighting, 839 00:35:21,538 --> 00:35:24,207 I can resemble Kristen Bell. I really can. 840 00:35:24,207 --> 00:35:25,959 - (laughter) - But I swear-- Don't laugh at that. 841 00:35:25,959 --> 00:35:27,419 Jesus Christ. That wasn't a joke. 842 00:35:27,419 --> 00:35:29,838 - (laughter) - You were supposed to go, "Yeah, I see it. 843 00:35:29,838 --> 00:35:31,089 Yeah, she does." 844 00:35:31,089 --> 00:35:32,632 You're supposed to be dead quiet for that part. 845 00:35:32,632 --> 00:35:36,136 - What the fuck was that? (giggles) - (laughter) 846 00:35:36,136 --> 00:35:37,762 No, I can! If I have enough hair and makeup, 847 00:35:37,762 --> 00:35:39,681 some people have been like, "You look like Kristen Bell." 848 00:35:39,681 --> 00:35:42,350 And I'm like, "Thank you!" But I know that every morning, 849 00:35:42,350 --> 00:35:46,229 - my boyfriend wakes up to Dax Shepard. I mean... - (laughter) 850 00:35:46,229 --> 00:35:48,314 That's my range. 851 00:35:48,314 --> 00:35:49,983 That's what I look like without makeup. 852 00:35:49,983 --> 00:35:51,401 Makeup makes you look like a woman. 853 00:35:51,401 --> 00:35:54,112 Otherwise, you look like a man, you know? 854 00:35:54,112 --> 00:35:55,572 It's true. I'll prove it. 855 00:35:55,572 --> 00:35:57,365 If I asked you to draw a smiley face, 856 00:35:57,365 --> 00:35:59,784 and I was like, "Now, make it a girl." 857 00:35:59,784 --> 00:36:01,119 You wouldn't just, like, 858 00:36:01,119 --> 00:36:02,537 scribble like a pussy underneath. 859 00:36:02,537 --> 00:36:04,956 - Like, who even knows how to draw that? - (laughter) 860 00:36:05,582 --> 00:36:07,625 You wouldn't make it holding less money. 861 00:36:07,625 --> 00:36:10,879 - (laughter) - You would just... draw eyelashes on it. 862 00:36:10,879 --> 00:36:13,006 You'd put makeup on it. 863 00:36:13,006 --> 00:36:15,383 That's what differentiates us. 864 00:36:15,383 --> 00:36:18,303 So, without makeup, I look, I look way different. 865 00:36:18,303 --> 00:36:20,305 I never get recognized ever! 866 00:36:20,305 --> 00:36:21,681 You know, because people see me on TV, 867 00:36:21,681 --> 00:36:23,224 and I don't look the same without makeup. 868 00:36:23,224 --> 00:36:24,517 The other day, I was actually recognized 869 00:36:24,517 --> 00:36:26,895 without makeup, and I got offended. 870 00:36:26,895 --> 00:36:28,730 - (laughter) - I did! 871 00:36:28,730 --> 00:36:31,441 He asked for my autograph. I was like, "Fuck you. 872 00:36:31,441 --> 00:36:33,526 You think Nikki Glaser looks like this?" 873 00:36:33,526 --> 00:36:35,153 - (laughter) - And he was like, "Oh, no. Sorry. 874 00:36:35,153 --> 00:36:36,488 I thought you were Dog the Bounty Hunter." 875 00:36:36,488 --> 00:36:38,073 And I go, "Oh, wait. Well, come back here, son. 876 00:36:38,073 --> 00:36:40,950 (scratchy) I'll sign that hub cap for you. You get on back here." 877 00:36:40,950 --> 00:36:44,913 (normal) I don't wanna disappoint a Dog the Bounty Hunter fan. 878 00:36:44,913 --> 00:36:46,539 (laughter) 879 00:36:46,539 --> 00:36:49,376 Yeah, I'm a rangy broad, man. 880 00:36:49,376 --> 00:36:50,794 But I can look pretty hot. 881 00:36:50,794 --> 00:36:53,004 I was accidentally hot at a Trader Joe's recently. 882 00:36:53,004 --> 00:36:54,089 (laughter) 883 00:36:54,089 --> 00:36:55,382 I didn't mean to be. 884 00:36:55,382 --> 00:36:56,633 I was coming home from a photo shoot, 885 00:36:56,633 --> 00:36:58,009 and I stopped at a grocery store, 886 00:36:58,009 --> 00:36:59,678 and I was lookin' good, 887 00:36:59,678 --> 00:37:01,680 and I was gettin' flirted with by the cashier, 888 00:37:01,680 --> 00:37:05,934 and then he cleared my order and was like, "Get outta here." 889 00:37:05,934 --> 00:37:08,645 I was like, "What?" He was like, "It's on the house." 890 00:37:08,645 --> 00:37:09,896 And I was like... 891 00:37:10,480 --> 00:37:13,066 -"Is your dad Joe? Like is... - (laughter) 892 00:37:13,066 --> 00:37:16,861 - Can you authorize this?" - (applause) 893 00:37:17,404 --> 00:37:19,239 I was like, "Don't you have to ring a bell or some shit? 894 00:37:19,239 --> 00:37:20,990 - What's going on?" - (laughter) 895 00:37:20,990 --> 00:37:22,325 He was like, "Go, get outta here." 896 00:37:22,325 --> 00:37:24,202 I was like, "Thank you!" He was like, "Stay beautiful." 897 00:37:24,202 --> 00:37:25,829 And I was like, "Alright." 898 00:37:25,829 --> 00:37:29,374 - Was that a threat? What the fuck was that? - (laughter) 899 00:37:29,374 --> 00:37:30,917 What happens if I don't? 900 00:37:31,876 --> 00:37:34,170 Because I can't stay beautiful. I have to go back here. 901 00:37:34,170 --> 00:37:35,672 This is my neighborhood Trader Joe's! 902 00:37:35,672 --> 00:37:37,716 I had to go back the next day. I was wearing no makeup. 903 00:37:37,716 --> 00:37:39,843 I was scared to see the guy, but he was there, 904 00:37:39,843 --> 00:37:42,721 and he had me arrested for shoplifting the day before. 905 00:37:42,721 --> 00:37:46,891 - (laughter) - He was like, "I told you to stay beautiful." 906 00:37:46,891 --> 00:37:50,895 It's like, "Go back to ALDI." I was (crying) "Okay." 907 00:37:53,398 --> 00:37:56,109 No. It's so funny to get upset about aging as a woman 908 00:37:56,109 --> 00:38:00,321 because at some point, you do have to age completely, you know? 909 00:38:00,321 --> 00:38:02,282 And you wanna age completely. 910 00:38:02,282 --> 00:38:04,826 Someday, I hope to age to the point of unfuckability. 911 00:38:04,826 --> 00:38:07,162 You know why? Because I don't want anyone 912 00:38:07,162 --> 00:38:09,039 trying to fuck me when I'm 95. 913 00:38:09,039 --> 00:38:11,082 I don't have the bone density 914 00:38:11,082 --> 00:38:13,501 - or the muscle mass to fight you off. - (laughter) 915 00:38:13,501 --> 00:38:17,464 It's a survival tool that I be revolting to you. 916 00:38:17,464 --> 00:38:19,799 There's not-- there shouldn't be hot 95-year-olds. 917 00:38:19,799 --> 00:38:22,761 Hot 95 is a radio station, not a person, okay? 918 00:38:22,761 --> 00:38:26,556 - (laughter) - So, you should be so gross at some point. 919 00:38:26,556 --> 00:38:29,559 That means that someday, I'm gonna be 0% fuckable. 920 00:38:29,559 --> 00:38:32,270 That means I'm a dying battery of hotness, okay? 921 00:38:32,270 --> 00:38:34,481 And I can plug myself into little portable chargers 922 00:38:34,481 --> 00:38:37,067 here and there but eventually, it's gonna go completely, 923 00:38:37,067 --> 00:38:38,943 and what a great day that will be. 924 00:38:38,943 --> 00:38:40,320 But until then, I'm fighting it. 925 00:38:40,320 --> 00:38:42,238 And that's the paradox of being a woman. 926 00:38:42,238 --> 00:38:44,115 You're trying to stay beautiful for so long. 927 00:38:44,115 --> 00:38:45,450 You try to stay fuckable, 928 00:38:45,450 --> 00:38:46,910 but at some point you just have to let go. 929 00:38:46,910 --> 00:38:49,329 And that day is usually the day that you cut your hair 930 00:38:49,329 --> 00:38:51,498 above your ear lobes. I think that's the day you go, 931 00:38:51,498 --> 00:38:53,208 -"Bye-bye, fuckability. - (laughter) 932 00:38:53,208 --> 00:38:56,461 "I don't care anymore if men wanna stick their dick in me. 933 00:38:56,461 --> 00:38:59,047 It's exhausting, and I'm tired." 934 00:39:00,256 --> 00:39:02,133 I love that day. Fuck yeah. 935 00:39:02,133 --> 00:39:04,469 I love older women with funky haircuts. 936 00:39:04,469 --> 00:39:06,471 They commit to getting attention in other ways. 937 00:39:06,471 --> 00:39:08,807 No one wants to fuck them, but they get chunky earrings. 938 00:39:08,807 --> 00:39:10,558 They're like, "This is my personality. 939 00:39:10,558 --> 00:39:11,976 "This one's a bumblebee! 940 00:39:11,976 --> 00:39:13,478 "And this is a watermelon slice, 941 00:39:13,478 --> 00:39:15,939 "and I have fun, crazy glasses! 942 00:39:15,939 --> 00:39:19,192 And here's a big flowery broach on my saggy tit." 943 00:39:19,192 --> 00:39:20,402 And they're like, "Look here! 944 00:39:20,402 --> 00:39:22,278 "And here! There's life! Because down there, 945 00:39:22,278 --> 00:39:24,656 "nothing. So up here... 946 00:39:24,656 --> 00:39:27,158 "I'm not fuckable, but you could pollinate me. 947 00:39:27,158 --> 00:39:30,453 Like let's... let's go." 948 00:39:31,454 --> 00:39:33,248 But I don't think I'll be able to give in 949 00:39:33,248 --> 00:39:35,166 as soon as most people can. 950 00:39:35,166 --> 00:39:36,501 It's gotta be nice to just give up, 951 00:39:36,501 --> 00:39:39,963 but I, I work in Hollywood, so I gotta hold on. 952 00:39:39,963 --> 00:39:43,008 Hollywood's not very kind to older women. 953 00:39:43,008 --> 00:39:44,676 You know, sex sells. 954 00:39:44,676 --> 00:39:47,804 - If you're saggin', they're gaggin'. - (laughter) 955 00:39:47,804 --> 00:39:51,725 That's what my agent texts me every day, and I go, "I know." 956 00:39:51,725 --> 00:39:54,352 I do everything I can to stay young-looking. 957 00:39:54,352 --> 00:39:56,646 I really do. I do Botox. I do filler. 958 00:39:56,646 --> 00:39:58,023 Sometimes, I do too much filler, 959 00:39:58,023 --> 00:39:59,649 and I look like the guy from the "Saw" movies 960 00:39:59,649 --> 00:40:03,403 - who gives the challenges. - (laughter) 961 00:40:03,403 --> 00:40:06,239 I do lasers and micro-needling, 962 00:40:06,239 --> 00:40:08,199 and those things are so harsh on your skin. 963 00:40:08,199 --> 00:40:10,827 I recently got micro-needled, and I couldn't leave the house 964 00:40:10,827 --> 00:40:12,662 for three days because if I did, 965 00:40:12,662 --> 00:40:14,581 it looked like I got mouthy in a car ride with Chris Brown. 966 00:40:14,581 --> 00:40:17,334 - (groaning, laughter) - It looked like I was trying to give him directions 967 00:40:17,334 --> 00:40:19,002 where he knew where he was going. 968 00:40:19,252 --> 00:40:21,504 Are you groaning? (giggles) 969 00:40:21,504 --> 00:40:22,881 I'm sorry. I'm so sorry 970 00:40:22,881 --> 00:40:25,175 to offend any Chris Brown fans. I mean... 971 00:40:25,175 --> 00:40:27,260 (laughter) 972 00:40:27,260 --> 00:40:30,388 I mean, I look like Chris Brown 973 00:40:30,388 --> 00:40:32,223 loves me very, very much 974 00:40:32,223 --> 00:40:35,185 and just wants what's best for me. 975 00:40:35,185 --> 00:40:36,978 (scattered applause) 976 00:40:36,978 --> 00:40:40,982 But yeah, I gotta, I gotta stay hot in Hollywood. 977 00:40:41,232 --> 00:40:43,943 If you're not textbook hot, you gotta work so hard. 978 00:40:43,943 --> 00:40:47,322 You gotta be like the most talented ever, you know? 979 00:40:47,322 --> 00:40:49,366 Remember Susan Boyle? Remember? 980 00:40:49,366 --> 00:40:51,910 Remember that video? You should watch it again. 981 00:40:51,910 --> 00:40:53,536 It didn't age well, much like her. 982 00:40:53,536 --> 00:40:56,498 It didn't, it didn't-- doesn't hold up. 983 00:40:56,498 --> 00:40:59,417 This woman walks out on stage, if you don't remember, 984 00:40:59,417 --> 00:41:01,586 and she has the audacity 985 00:41:01,586 --> 00:41:03,838 to go on a talent competition 986 00:41:03,838 --> 00:41:06,299 - at the age of 47. - (laughter) 987 00:41:06,299 --> 00:41:08,385 She's just an old woman on a talent show, 988 00:41:08,385 --> 00:41:10,804 and the audience can't fucking handle it. 989 00:41:10,804 --> 00:41:12,806 They're freaking out, just like, "What is this?" 990 00:41:12,806 --> 00:41:15,100 They're jeering, they're booing, they're hissing. 991 00:41:15,100 --> 00:41:17,977 They're puking in the aisles, like (gagging). 992 00:41:17,977 --> 00:41:19,354 (laughter) 993 00:41:19,354 --> 00:41:21,481 They're like, "Go back to your shoe!" 994 00:41:21,481 --> 00:41:24,609 - (laughter) - They're just horrified by her. 995 00:41:24,609 --> 00:41:26,444 Like, "What is her talent? Feeding pigeons? 996 00:41:26,444 --> 00:41:30,573 It's disgusting. She can't even talk." 997 00:41:30,573 --> 00:41:33,243 They're so mad. And then, she finally gets to sing, right? 998 00:41:33,243 --> 00:41:36,830 Simon Cowell just crosses his arms over his fucking tits, 999 00:41:36,830 --> 00:41:40,250 - and he's just like, "Alright, what do you got?" - (laughter) 1000 00:41:40,250 --> 00:41:41,668 And she of course sings, and it's like... 1001 00:41:41,668 --> 00:41:44,421 ♪ I dreamed a dream of time gone by ♪ 1002 00:41:44,421 --> 00:41:46,840 - And it's like... - (cheering) 1003 00:41:46,840 --> 00:41:49,342 "Oh, my God. 1004 00:41:49,342 --> 00:41:52,971 -"She should live. Like, we... - (laughter) 1005 00:41:52,971 --> 00:41:54,848 "should keep her. Let's not stone her to death. 1006 00:41:54,848 --> 00:41:57,767 "That was gonna be fun, doing a public stoning. 1007 00:41:58,601 --> 00:42:00,562 "But she has value now. Before, she didn't. 1008 00:42:00,562 --> 00:42:02,981 "But maybe I can tolerate her disgusting head 1009 00:42:02,981 --> 00:42:06,401 - now that her voice sounds so good." - (laughter) 1010 00:42:06,401 --> 00:42:08,069 What the fuck, you know? 1011 00:42:08,069 --> 00:42:12,282 But it's, it's hard to not be conventionally hot. 1012 00:42:12,282 --> 00:42:13,616 It just is. It's a harder life, 1013 00:42:13,616 --> 00:42:15,577 and that's why it makes sense to try to stay hot. 1014 00:42:15,577 --> 00:42:17,620 It's not a vapid pursuit. 1015 00:42:17,620 --> 00:42:18,913 You know, if you're not conventionally hot, 1016 00:42:18,913 --> 00:42:20,331 you gotta work harder. I mean, look, 1017 00:42:20,331 --> 00:42:23,626 - look at short men, if you can find 'em. - (laughter) 1018 00:42:23,626 --> 00:42:26,338 The closest one may be in front of you. 1019 00:42:26,963 --> 00:42:29,215 I have a short boyfriend, so I know, you know? 1020 00:42:29,215 --> 00:42:32,093 I had to go short because I wanted a hot guy. 1021 00:42:32,093 --> 00:42:33,511 I wanted a good face. 1022 00:42:33,511 --> 00:42:36,181 So if you want a good face, you gotta go, you gotta take some hits. 1023 00:42:36,181 --> 00:42:38,683 - (laughter) - That's my, that's my secret. 1024 00:42:38,683 --> 00:42:41,353 If you want a 10 in the face, you gotta go 5'7" in the height. 1025 00:42:41,353 --> 00:42:43,688 That's just the way it goes. 1026 00:42:43,688 --> 00:42:46,858 I could never get my boyfriend's face on a taller model. 1027 00:42:46,858 --> 00:42:50,195 There's no way. But I got him on discount. 1028 00:42:50,195 --> 00:42:53,114 - He's marked down. You know, he's a defect. - (laughter) 1029 00:42:53,114 --> 00:42:54,991 We met at TJ Maxx. 1030 00:42:54,991 --> 00:42:56,659 (applause) 1031 00:42:56,659 --> 00:42:58,036 He's really good-looking. Sometimes, 1032 00:42:58,036 --> 00:42:59,662 I post a picture of us, and girls are like, 1033 00:42:59,662 --> 00:43:02,374 "Good job, girl. How'd you get that?" I'm like, 1034 00:43:02,374 --> 00:43:04,709 "If you zoomed out, you'd see he's sitting on my lap." 1035 00:43:04,709 --> 00:43:06,878 So, this is a tiny man. 1036 00:43:06,878 --> 00:43:08,797 (laughter) 1037 00:43:08,797 --> 00:43:11,466 I had to go digging in the bargain bin for this one, 1038 00:43:11,466 --> 00:43:13,343 went deep. 1039 00:43:13,343 --> 00:43:15,887 But I love short guys. I like to stand up for you because-- 1040 00:43:15,887 --> 00:43:18,515 I mean, I sit down for you when I'm talking in conversation 1041 00:43:18,515 --> 00:43:20,392 to make you more comfortable, 1042 00:43:20,392 --> 00:43:22,060 but I stand up for you figuratively 1043 00:43:22,060 --> 00:43:26,064 because I don't, um, I like how people are mean to you. 1044 00:43:26,064 --> 00:43:28,858 And you're usually cooler than tall guys 1045 00:43:28,858 --> 00:43:31,361 because you have to be because no one respects you. 1046 00:43:31,361 --> 00:43:33,571 - You know, like-- (laughs) - (laughter) 1047 00:43:33,571 --> 00:43:35,865 I'm sorry. You know this! 1048 00:43:35,865 --> 00:43:37,992 My boyfriend, he's told me about it. 1049 00:43:37,992 --> 00:43:41,538 When he grew up... When he reached adulthood, 1050 00:43:41,538 --> 00:43:44,416 (laughter) 1051 00:43:44,416 --> 00:43:45,750 (giggles) He-- 1052 00:43:45,750 --> 00:43:47,544 He looked around, and he was like, 1053 00:43:47,544 --> 00:43:49,462 "Oh, fuck. No one here respects me. 1054 00:43:49,462 --> 00:43:51,423 "I gotta learn a magic trick or something 1055 00:43:51,423 --> 00:43:52,799 to get people to like me." 1056 00:43:52,799 --> 00:43:54,509 So, he adapted. He's funny. 1057 00:43:54,509 --> 00:43:56,678 He's cool. And short men love magic. 1058 00:43:56,678 --> 00:43:58,054 - I think-- - (laughter) 1059 00:43:58,054 --> 00:44:00,724 They like it because it's showy, and people go, "Oh!" 1060 00:44:00,724 --> 00:44:02,809 They get attention. It's another way to get attention. 1061 00:44:02,809 --> 00:44:06,438 And I also think that they see a man saw a woman in half, 1062 00:44:06,438 --> 00:44:08,732 and they're like, "Oh, that's how I'll be taller than a woman. 1063 00:44:08,732 --> 00:44:11,401 - Okay, that's what I aspire to." - (laughter) 1064 00:44:12,027 --> 00:44:15,530 He's great though. We've been together 10 years off and on. 1065 00:44:15,530 --> 00:44:17,824 And, yeah, but we're actually getting to the point where we're like, 1066 00:44:17,824 --> 00:44:19,200 "We're gonna take it to the next level 1067 00:44:19,200 --> 00:44:21,286 and break up forever because I think it's time." 1068 00:44:21,286 --> 00:44:24,622 - (laughter) - No. He's... 1069 00:44:24,622 --> 00:44:26,875 He's, uh... he's, he's-- 1070 00:44:26,875 --> 00:44:28,960 I know from breaking up with him a lot, 1071 00:44:28,960 --> 00:44:31,379 and we date other people and come back together, 1072 00:44:31,379 --> 00:44:32,756 I look at him and I go, 1073 00:44:32,756 --> 00:44:35,050 "He's the best I can do." 1074 00:44:35,050 --> 00:44:38,386 - You know, like I just know that. - (laughter) 1075 00:44:38,386 --> 00:44:39,804 I'm gonna settle someday. 1076 00:44:39,804 --> 00:44:42,307 - I mean settle down. Did I say settle? - (laughter) 1077 00:44:42,307 --> 00:44:44,768 It is settling, isn't it? When you get married, 1078 00:44:44,768 --> 00:44:47,145 you just go, "Yeah, this is good enough." Like.., 1079 00:44:47,145 --> 00:44:48,813 We all like to convince ourselves, 1080 00:44:48,813 --> 00:44:51,524 "No, this is my soulmate!" (giggles) 1081 00:44:51,524 --> 00:44:53,568 - No, it's not. - (laughter) 1082 00:44:53,568 --> 00:44:55,445 It's not your soulmate, sorry. 1083 00:44:55,445 --> 00:44:58,323 That's just a guy that was on Bumble at the same time as you 1084 00:44:58,323 --> 00:45:01,993 that reminded you of your dad in the perfect little way. 1085 00:45:02,786 --> 00:45:05,497 Everyone likes to go, "He's my soulmate." 1086 00:45:05,497 --> 00:45:06,831 You're not that lucky! 1087 00:45:07,374 --> 00:45:09,668 Out of eight billion people on the planet, he's not your soulmate. 1088 00:45:09,668 --> 00:45:11,795 Your soulmate, statistically, is in China. 1089 00:45:11,795 --> 00:45:15,965 - (laughter) - That's where your soulmate is, and that's where they'll die. 1090 00:45:15,965 --> 00:45:19,427 The closest you'll get is maybe your soulmate touched your phone 1091 00:45:19,427 --> 00:45:21,137 on an assembly line, 1092 00:45:21,137 --> 00:45:24,683 but that's the closest where your stars will ever cross. 1093 00:45:24,683 --> 00:45:27,268 Maybe he stitched your mom's blouse 1094 00:45:27,268 --> 00:45:29,270 - when he was in third grade. - (laughter) 1095 00:45:30,897 --> 00:45:32,774 Do they call it grades if they don't go to school? 1096 00:45:32,774 --> 00:45:35,026 - I don't know. But... - (groaning) 1097 00:45:35,026 --> 00:45:37,862 Child labor is-- (laughs) Sorry, it's not funny. 1098 00:45:37,862 --> 00:45:39,781 I mean, you guys laughed, so I guess it is, 1099 00:45:39,781 --> 00:45:42,409 but I thought it wasn't until now. 1100 00:45:42,409 --> 00:45:46,454 No, it's awful. It's, um... What are you gonna do though? 1101 00:45:46,454 --> 00:45:49,332 Like, it's-- Not buy an $8 dress? 1102 00:45:49,332 --> 00:45:53,503 - (laughter) - Like I don't know what I'm supposed to do. 1103 00:45:53,503 --> 00:45:55,046 I love fast fashion. I can't stop. 1104 00:45:55,046 --> 00:45:58,550 I like the sizing. I just bought a dress from Fashion Nova, 1105 00:45:58,550 --> 00:45:59,843 which I shouldn't do it, 1106 00:45:59,843 --> 00:46:01,886 but, man. I'm usually a size six dress, 1107 00:46:01,886 --> 00:46:04,514 but I check the tag, and now I'm a "help me" in Korean, 1108 00:46:04,514 --> 00:46:08,476 - and I think that's like really tiny. - (laughter) 1109 00:46:08,476 --> 00:46:10,937 It makes me feel little, so... 1110 00:46:12,564 --> 00:46:15,150 I don't know about marriage though. I don't think... 1111 00:46:15,150 --> 00:46:17,318 I don't know if monogamy is for me. 1112 00:46:17,318 --> 00:46:20,196 - (cheering, applause) - I question it. I do. 1113 00:46:20,196 --> 00:46:22,615 And the only reason I think that is I look at the porn 1114 00:46:22,615 --> 00:46:26,119 that I watch, and I'm like, "This is not a marriage. You know? 1115 00:46:26,119 --> 00:46:27,787 (laughter) 1116 00:46:27,787 --> 00:46:31,750 My dad's not gonna pay for this." Right? 1117 00:46:31,750 --> 00:46:35,462 I'm not watching marital sex when I jerk off. 1118 00:46:36,254 --> 00:46:39,632 I'm not cumming to a committed couple having lazy side sex 1119 00:46:39,632 --> 00:46:41,176 because they ate too much cheese. 1120 00:46:41,176 --> 00:46:43,303 - This isn't what gets me off. - (laughter) 1121 00:46:43,303 --> 00:46:46,014 - It isn't! - (applause) 1122 00:46:48,099 --> 00:46:49,267 I... 1123 00:46:49,267 --> 00:46:52,687 I like gangbangs, if I'm being honest. 1124 00:46:52,687 --> 00:46:55,106 I like gangbangs. 1125 00:46:55,106 --> 00:46:58,234 - (cheering) - I watch them. They're amazing. 1126 00:46:58,234 --> 00:47:00,779 They're rough though. Boy, are they rough. 1127 00:47:01,488 --> 00:47:04,407 The ones I watch, some of them, I go, "Jesus Christ." 1128 00:47:04,407 --> 00:47:07,577 I know it's bad because they have nine views. 1129 00:47:07,577 --> 00:47:09,537 I'm like, "Oh boy, this isn't good." 1130 00:47:09,537 --> 00:47:12,749 (laughter) 1131 00:47:12,749 --> 00:47:15,210 Every video I watch has a bucket in the corner 1132 00:47:15,210 --> 00:47:17,003 that has no less than three uses. 1133 00:47:17,003 --> 00:47:20,924 None of them good. I mean, this is depraved stuff. 1134 00:47:21,716 --> 00:47:23,968 I feel bad. I feel bad after I watch it! 1135 00:47:23,968 --> 00:47:26,179 My soul is like, "Ugh," you know? 1136 00:47:26,179 --> 00:47:28,390 But my soul and my clit are not on the same page, 1137 00:47:28,390 --> 00:47:30,892 so those two need to get a coffee or something. 1138 00:47:30,892 --> 00:47:32,435 Have a little chat. 1139 00:47:32,811 --> 00:47:34,729 (sighs) My boyfriend does know about 1140 00:47:34,729 --> 00:47:36,940 my gangbang proclivity because... 1141 00:47:36,940 --> 00:47:40,151 he's here tonight, so he just found out. 1142 00:47:40,151 --> 00:47:42,696 - (cheering) - Surprise! 1143 00:47:42,696 --> 00:47:45,365 It's just a joke! (fake laugh) 1144 00:47:45,365 --> 00:47:47,659 (laughter) 1145 00:47:47,659 --> 00:47:50,620 It's not a joke. I want it. 1146 00:47:50,620 --> 00:47:52,622 It's hard to tell your boyfriend that you want a gangbang. 1147 00:47:52,622 --> 00:47:55,959 It's like, what do you do? I gave him hints, little nudges. 1148 00:47:55,959 --> 00:47:57,627 I sent him an email with a link that said, 1149 00:47:57,627 --> 00:48:00,588 -"DO THIS," in all caps. I mean, just... - (laughter) 1150 00:48:01,589 --> 00:48:03,174 You know. (giggles) 1151 00:48:03,174 --> 00:48:05,093 He goes, "Do this?" And I go, "Yeah, do this." 1152 00:48:05,093 --> 00:48:07,303 He's like, "What does that even mean? What do you mean?" 1153 00:48:07,303 --> 00:48:10,306 And I go, "I don't know. Didn't you just join a pickleball league? 1154 00:48:10,306 --> 00:48:13,351 "Like make some friends! See who can keep a secret. 1155 00:48:14,853 --> 00:48:17,439 "You're gonna have to venture out of the pickleball court 1156 00:48:17,439 --> 00:48:19,315 "to find the Black guys we need for this gangbang 1157 00:48:19,315 --> 00:48:22,402 "because I will be honest with you, 1158 00:48:22,402 --> 00:48:26,114 affirmative action is very important to me." 1159 00:48:26,114 --> 00:48:28,742 They're firm I want some action. But... 1160 00:48:28,742 --> 00:48:32,245 - (laughter) - My boyfriend knows all of this, and he wasn't threatened. 1161 00:48:32,245 --> 00:48:34,164 It was actually not surprising 1162 00:48:34,164 --> 00:48:35,874 because he doesn't get threatened by this stuff. 1163 00:48:35,874 --> 00:48:37,792 Not like my friend's boyfriends and husbands. 1164 00:48:37,792 --> 00:48:41,629 My one friend, she had to hide her vibrator from her husband 1165 00:48:41,629 --> 00:48:45,717 - because he kept using it, and I think that's so sad. - (laughter) 1166 00:48:45,717 --> 00:48:48,136 Get your own, but... 1167 00:48:48,136 --> 00:48:51,056 No, she had to hide it because he was insecure about it, 1168 00:48:51,056 --> 00:48:54,225 which I get. I get being jealous and insecure of something 1169 00:48:54,225 --> 00:48:58,188 that's so much better than you. Like I get that. It is! 1170 00:48:58,188 --> 00:49:00,398 It is. It vibrates! Right? 1171 00:49:00,398 --> 00:49:02,901 But don't worry. We don't compare you to it. 1172 00:49:02,901 --> 00:49:04,569 It's better than you, but-- 1173 00:49:04,569 --> 00:49:06,488 I've never looked at my boyfriend's dick and been like, 1174 00:49:06,488 --> 00:49:08,656 "But it's not green. Like, I hate this. 1175 00:49:08,656 --> 00:49:10,950 - (laughter) -"I'm going. 1176 00:49:10,950 --> 00:49:13,078 "Doesn't vibrate at 90 pulses a second. 1177 00:49:13,078 --> 00:49:15,872 -"I hate it! - (laughter) 1178 00:49:15,872 --> 00:49:18,917 Where's the charging cable I'm gonna lose?" 1179 00:49:18,917 --> 00:49:20,877 Like, it's different. It's a dick. 1180 00:49:20,877 --> 00:49:23,546 Do you compare us to your hand? 1181 00:49:24,005 --> 00:49:26,341 - No. I-I hope not. - (laughter) 1182 00:49:26,341 --> 00:49:30,011 I don't have that kind of grip down there. 1183 00:49:30,011 --> 00:49:31,805 My pussy can't open a jar of pickles. 1184 00:49:31,805 --> 00:49:33,765 I don't have those kind of Kegels 1185 00:49:33,765 --> 00:49:35,934 to get in some Claussen's. 1186 00:49:35,934 --> 00:49:37,352 (laughter) 1187 00:49:37,352 --> 00:49:39,270 I hope you're never fucking us, just like, 1188 00:49:39,270 --> 00:49:42,357 "Oh, there's no calluses. This sucks. 1189 00:49:42,357 --> 00:49:43,400 (laughter) 1190 00:49:43,400 --> 00:49:46,194 I miss my class ring." Like, what? 1191 00:49:49,489 --> 00:49:51,366 It's different! 1192 00:49:52,867 --> 00:49:55,120 My boyfriend, he snapped into action 1193 00:49:55,120 --> 00:49:56,996 when he found out about the gangbang thing, man. 1194 00:49:56,996 --> 00:49:58,748 We were fooling around one time, he blindfolded me, 1195 00:49:58,748 --> 00:50:02,002 and he's like, "I've invited some guys over to gangbang you. 1196 00:50:02,002 --> 00:50:03,586 "They're waiting in the hallway. They're lined up. 1197 00:50:03,586 --> 00:50:06,172 They're gonna come in one by one and fuck you." 1198 00:50:06,172 --> 00:50:08,800 I was like, "That's a train. Okay, like that's different." 1199 00:50:08,800 --> 00:50:11,011 (laughter) 1200 00:50:11,011 --> 00:50:13,888 A train is one by one. It's cute. It's adorable. 1201 00:50:13,888 --> 00:50:16,599 It's great. A train is folksy. 1202 00:50:16,599 --> 00:50:18,601 - You know? - (laughter) 1203 00:50:18,601 --> 00:50:21,479 It's not nothin', but, you know, it's quaint. 1204 00:50:21,479 --> 00:50:24,482 A gangbang is an Amtrak derailment. 1205 00:50:24,482 --> 00:50:28,445 - (laughter) - I mean, a gangbang is FEMA gets called in. 1206 00:50:29,612 --> 00:50:32,449 A gangbang will ruin a town forever, you know? 1207 00:50:33,033 --> 00:50:34,909 But I was like, "We can do a train. All aboard. 1208 00:50:34,909 --> 00:50:37,370 - Let's go. Choo-choo." - (laughter) 1209 00:50:37,370 --> 00:50:39,622 No, I was-- At first, I was horrified. 1210 00:50:39,622 --> 00:50:42,625 I go, "What? You did what!? There's-- Who's here?" 1211 00:50:42,625 --> 00:50:45,462 'Cause it was at my apartment, and the parking situation there 1212 00:50:45,462 --> 00:50:48,423 - is a nightmare. I have to give them passes. - (laughter) 1213 00:50:48,423 --> 00:50:49,883 I have to bring them up. I was like, 1214 00:50:49,883 --> 00:50:51,259 "The door guy's gonna be so mad at me." 1215 00:50:51,259 --> 00:50:52,427 He was like, "The door guy's here." 1216 00:50:52,427 --> 00:50:55,513 - I was like, "Okay, well... - (laughter) 1217 00:50:57,599 --> 00:50:59,184 "That's one Black guy down. Alright, 1218 00:50:59,184 --> 00:51:02,228 - so someone was taking notes." - (laughter) 1219 00:51:03,521 --> 00:51:06,775 No, he goes, "It's make-believe. Don't-- Just calm down." 1220 00:51:06,775 --> 00:51:09,694 I go, "Okay, now I can do this. It's just a role-play thing, 1221 00:51:09,694 --> 00:51:11,196 but what's gonna happen here?" 1222 00:51:11,196 --> 00:51:13,281 So then, he proceeds to bring in each guy. 1223 00:51:13,281 --> 00:51:15,075 He announces them, and then the guy comes in, 1224 00:51:15,075 --> 00:51:17,369 and then he does a voice for each guy. 1225 00:51:17,369 --> 00:51:19,371 (laughter) 1226 00:51:19,371 --> 00:51:20,663 So smart, right? 1227 00:51:20,663 --> 00:51:22,415 I'm blindfolded, so they all sound different. 1228 00:51:22,415 --> 00:51:24,834 He's kinda good at voices. He really is. 1229 00:51:24,834 --> 00:51:26,086 It like kinda took me out of it. 1230 00:51:26,086 --> 00:51:28,004 I mean, his Cosby was a little disconcerting, 1231 00:51:28,004 --> 00:51:31,216 - but that one, I just... - (laughter) 1232 00:51:33,218 --> 00:51:34,886 I always fall asleep during it. 1233 00:51:34,886 --> 00:51:36,304 - I mean, he gets... - (laughter) 1234 00:51:36,304 --> 00:51:38,181 He gets method about it. 1235 00:51:38,723 --> 00:51:41,142 I wake up, and there's pudding on my face. 1236 00:51:41,142 --> 00:51:43,228 - I'm like, "Oh, God. - (laughter) 1237 00:51:43,228 --> 00:51:45,855 Classic Cos." (laughs) 1238 00:51:48,274 --> 00:51:50,860 No, it's so brilliant. A different voice for each guy. 1239 00:51:50,860 --> 00:51:52,237 A different toy for each guy, too, 1240 00:51:52,237 --> 00:51:54,280 so it really feels like someone different. 1241 00:51:54,280 --> 00:51:56,658 At first, he was using his own dick for each guy, 1242 00:51:56,658 --> 00:51:58,660 and I was like, that worked when I was, like, 1243 00:51:58,660 --> 00:52:01,079 you know, imagining his brothers, but like-- (laughs) 1244 00:52:01,079 --> 00:52:03,081 (laughter) 1245 00:52:03,081 --> 00:52:05,792 When he was playing his brothers, it was fine, 1246 00:52:05,792 --> 00:52:10,046 but after a while, I was like, every guy has your dick? Like... 1247 00:52:10,046 --> 00:52:12,007 I don't see color, but I can feel it. 1248 00:52:12,007 --> 00:52:14,009 So, I'm just saying if... 1249 00:52:14,009 --> 00:52:17,554 (laughter, applause) 1250 00:52:17,554 --> 00:52:19,848 (giggles) 1251 00:52:19,848 --> 00:52:21,850 He added a really fun element to it though because he goes, 1252 00:52:21,850 --> 00:52:23,643 "Okay, they're gonna come in one by one to fuck you, 1253 00:52:23,643 --> 00:52:25,478 but you can't fuck them." And I'm like, what? 1254 00:52:25,478 --> 00:52:27,063 He's like, "They're all gonna try, but you can't." 1255 00:52:27,063 --> 00:52:29,441 I'm like, what is this? He goes, "You need to be a good girl." 1256 00:52:29,441 --> 00:52:31,693 - And I'm like, "Okay. Well, I can't... - (laughter) 1257 00:52:32,360 --> 00:52:34,237 "I'm already finished if you just wanna call it 1258 00:52:34,237 --> 00:52:36,614 "on this whole thing because that was enough for me. 1259 00:52:36,614 --> 00:52:39,284 I will be a good girl. Okay, I won't fuck them." 1260 00:52:39,284 --> 00:52:40,452 So then, they each come in, 1261 00:52:40,452 --> 00:52:41,786 and, of course, they try to fuck me. 1262 00:52:41,786 --> 00:52:43,496 And they're like, "Come on, I'm gonna fuck you." 1263 00:52:43,496 --> 00:52:45,290 And I go, "I can't. I told my boyfriend I wouldn't. 1264 00:52:45,290 --> 00:52:47,083 He's nice enough to even let me do this. I can't." 1265 00:52:47,083 --> 00:52:48,626 And they're like, "No, I'm gonna fuck you." 1266 00:52:48,626 --> 00:52:50,879 And I go, "No... 'kay." 1267 00:52:50,879 --> 00:52:52,839 And then I cheat on my boyfriend 1268 00:52:52,839 --> 00:52:55,467 with my boyfriend! It's amazing! 1269 00:52:55,467 --> 00:52:58,136 And then that guy leaves, and then my boyfriend comes back in, 1270 00:52:58,136 --> 00:52:59,804 and he's like, "You didn't fuck that guy, did you?" 1271 00:52:59,804 --> 00:53:02,140 And I'm like, "I would never betray you in that way. 1272 00:53:02,140 --> 00:53:05,977 - (laughter) - Like, I love you so much. I would never do that." 1273 00:53:05,977 --> 00:53:08,313 So, I am lying to my boyfriend 1274 00:53:08,313 --> 00:53:09,939 about cheating on my boyfriend with my boyfriend. 1275 00:53:09,939 --> 00:53:11,775 Like I'm lying, I'm cheating, I'm doing all the things 1276 00:53:11,775 --> 00:53:14,652 I've ever wanted to do in a monogamous relationship. 1277 00:53:14,652 --> 00:53:16,654 I'm planning his murder with one of these guys. 1278 00:53:16,654 --> 00:53:19,699 - I'm like, "I think I could get married if I-- - (laughter) 1279 00:53:20,575 --> 00:53:23,328 if he could keep this up. This is amazing." 1280 00:53:23,328 --> 00:53:25,246 But I got a little too greedy, I wanna say. 1281 00:53:25,246 --> 00:53:27,165 Like I was excited about this whole thing, 1282 00:53:27,165 --> 00:53:29,250 and we were watching TV one night, 1283 00:53:29,250 --> 00:53:32,337 and I got a crush on one of the guys on the show, 1284 00:53:32,337 --> 00:53:34,214 some Italian guy. 1285 00:53:34,214 --> 00:53:35,799 And my boyfriend's sitting next to me. 1286 00:53:35,799 --> 00:53:37,717 He's like eating Thai food in his pajamas. 1287 00:53:37,717 --> 00:53:39,511 He was not in the mood for me to be like, 1288 00:53:39,511 --> 00:53:42,347 "Hey, maybe you should invite Mario 1289 00:53:42,347 --> 00:53:45,183 - to one of our GB seshes." - (laughter) 1290 00:53:45,183 --> 00:53:47,185 And he was like, "Are we still casting? 1291 00:53:47,185 --> 00:53:49,562 - I didn't know." - (laughter) 1292 00:53:49,562 --> 00:53:52,649 I, uh, I forgot about it for a while after that. 1293 00:53:52,649 --> 00:53:55,276 But then, he remembered. It was so awesome. 1294 00:53:55,276 --> 00:53:57,779 We were doing the thing, and then at the very end, 1295 00:53:57,779 --> 00:54:00,865 it was the last guy, and he goes, "And finally... 1296 00:54:00,865 --> 00:54:03,243 - Mario." - (cheering) 1297 00:54:03,243 --> 00:54:04,828 He sounded like he was introducing 1298 00:54:04,828 --> 00:54:06,079 the musical guest on "SNL." 1299 00:54:06,079 --> 00:54:08,498 He was like, "And finally... Mario." 1300 00:54:08,498 --> 00:54:09,874 I was like, "Thank you, babe!" 1301 00:54:09,874 --> 00:54:11,543 It was one of those moments where I was like, 1302 00:54:11,543 --> 00:54:13,420 "He remembered! Like, he went to Jared!" 1303 00:54:13,420 --> 00:54:16,047 - Like it was like my version of that. - (laughter) 1304 00:54:16,047 --> 00:54:19,843 "He went to Jared and Mario and Keith and Larry." You know. 1305 00:54:20,927 --> 00:54:23,346 I was so excited. He goes, "Here comes Mario." 1306 00:54:23,346 --> 00:54:25,598 I was like, "Thank you!" He was like, "You're welcome." 1307 00:54:25,598 --> 00:54:27,058 And then Mario comes in, he's like, 1308 00:54:27,058 --> 00:54:28,393 (Super Mario voice) "It's-a me, Mario!" 1309 00:54:28,393 --> 00:54:31,479 - (normal) And I go, "No! What? No! - (laughter) 1310 00:54:31,479 --> 00:54:34,774 - Not that one!" - (applause) 1311 00:54:38,570 --> 00:54:40,488 He's like, "That's what you get for making suggestions." 1312 00:54:40,488 --> 00:54:42,365 I was like, "No... (crying) 1313 00:54:42,365 --> 00:54:44,993 - (laughter) - No." 1314 00:54:44,993 --> 00:54:48,246 And Mario laid some pipe. I gotta say, wasn't that bad. 1315 00:54:48,246 --> 00:54:49,748 (laughter) 1316 00:54:49,748 --> 00:54:51,416 Luigi was there, too. I could hear him. 1317 00:54:51,416 --> 00:54:53,752 He was in the corner, jerking off like a cuck. 1318 00:54:53,752 --> 00:54:55,003 (laughter) 1319 00:54:55,003 --> 00:54:57,172 Heard his overalls clanking around. 1320 00:54:57,172 --> 00:54:59,507 (laughter) 1321 00:54:59,507 --> 00:55:00,800 Because of this fantasy, 1322 00:55:00,800 --> 00:55:02,719 I don't think I'd need to have a gangbang now. 1323 00:55:02,719 --> 00:55:04,804 Now, I'm like, maybe it's just enough to watch them. 1324 00:55:04,804 --> 00:55:08,016 And I do love watching them, and I'll never stop. 1325 00:55:08,016 --> 00:55:10,018 They're so impressive, dude. 1326 00:55:10,018 --> 00:55:13,229 If you don't know, like-- (sighs) Let me just show you. 1327 00:55:13,229 --> 00:55:16,316 - Can I get some volunteers? No. - (laughter) 1328 00:55:16,316 --> 00:55:19,235 The woman is usually like on her back, 1329 00:55:19,235 --> 00:55:22,572 like a stranded turtle. She's just kinda like (groans) you know. 1330 00:55:22,572 --> 00:55:24,657 And there are two or three 1331 00:55:24,657 --> 00:55:27,535 or four dicks down there sometimes. 1332 00:55:27,535 --> 00:55:29,162 I don't like three or four. 1333 00:55:29,162 --> 00:55:30,663 I like two, one in each hole. 1334 00:55:30,663 --> 00:55:32,624 That's perfect. That's all we need. 1335 00:55:32,624 --> 00:55:35,126 I don't like one. I don't like when a girl's like, "No anal." 1336 00:55:35,126 --> 00:55:36,795 I'm like, what is this, Kid Bops? 1337 00:55:36,795 --> 00:55:38,380 Like I'm not watching this shit with my niece. 1338 00:55:38,380 --> 00:55:40,465 - (laughter) - Fill her up. 1339 00:55:40,465 --> 00:55:42,634 It's so nuts, dude. 1340 00:55:42,634 --> 00:55:44,511 Really, I watch these, and I just go, 1341 00:55:44,511 --> 00:55:47,389 "Thank you for your service." I mean, these women, 1342 00:55:47,389 --> 00:55:49,307 they work their asses off. I mean, some of them, 1343 00:55:49,307 --> 00:55:51,393 their assholes literally fall off. 1344 00:55:51,393 --> 00:55:53,728 - (laughter) - It is so impressive. 1345 00:55:53,728 --> 00:55:55,563 And that's why I think I really like them though. 1346 00:55:55,563 --> 00:55:58,149 It's just because these women are so impressive. They're-- 1347 00:55:58,817 --> 00:56:01,653 They're almost relatable in what they're doing, you know? 1348 00:56:01,653 --> 00:56:03,363 They're doing so much all at once, 1349 00:56:03,363 --> 00:56:05,865 it's like a masterclass in multitasking. 1350 00:56:05,865 --> 00:56:08,660 - (laughter) - I really relate to them, you know? 1351 00:56:08,660 --> 00:56:11,996 Because there's this girl, she's juggling it all. 1352 00:56:11,996 --> 00:56:13,498 She's making it look easy. 1353 00:56:13,498 --> 00:56:15,250 She's like, "I got this," you know? 1354 00:56:15,250 --> 00:56:17,836 It's, it's, it's a lot like life. 1355 00:56:17,836 --> 00:56:20,422 I look at it and I go, that's my life, kind of. 1356 00:56:20,422 --> 00:56:23,383 Every day, life is just trying to fuck you 1357 00:56:23,383 --> 00:56:25,301 from so many different angles. 1358 00:56:25,301 --> 00:56:28,054 - (laughter) - You know what I mean? 1359 00:56:28,054 --> 00:56:30,348 Life is a gangbang, really. 1360 00:56:30,348 --> 00:56:32,350 It's like you gotta find a career, 1361 00:56:32,350 --> 00:56:33,768 and then you gotta raise a family, 1362 00:56:33,768 --> 00:56:35,937 and you gotta practice self-care, 1363 00:56:35,937 --> 00:56:38,690 and you have to realize none of it's making you happy. 1364 00:56:38,690 --> 00:56:41,735 - (cheering) - And you all go to therapy! 1365 00:56:41,735 --> 00:56:42,861 That'll help! 1366 00:56:42,861 --> 00:56:45,030 Then you learn it's your mom's fault. 1367 00:56:45,030 --> 00:56:47,198 - Then you go to more therapy. - (applause) 1368 00:56:47,198 --> 00:56:49,784 Then you realize it's your dad's fault! 1369 00:56:49,784 --> 00:56:52,537 And then, you're like, "Oh, I'll try ayahuasca!" 1370 00:56:52,537 --> 00:56:55,206 And then you puke your molestations into a bucket! 1371 00:56:55,206 --> 00:56:56,332 (gagging) 1372 00:56:56,833 --> 00:56:59,544 And then, you fucking-- You can just keep smiling. 1373 00:56:59,544 --> 00:57:01,588 You know, change positions. Okay, good. 1374 00:57:01,588 --> 00:57:04,591 - Everything's fine. - (laughter) 1375 00:57:04,591 --> 00:57:07,260 You gotta get a skincare routine and you gotta hydrate! 1376 00:57:07,260 --> 00:57:09,220 You gotta exfoliate! Gua sha! 1377 00:57:09,220 --> 00:57:10,555 Realize nothing you do 1378 00:57:10,555 --> 00:57:12,640 will ever make you look like a Korean teen! 1379 00:57:12,640 --> 00:57:15,560 - (laughter) - Don't forget to get your REAL ID! 1380 00:57:15,560 --> 00:57:17,520 - (laughter) - (moaning) 1381 00:57:17,520 --> 00:57:19,022 Oh, God! Oh, God! 1382 00:57:19,022 --> 00:57:21,566 (orgasmic gasping) 1383 00:57:21,566 --> 00:57:23,276 And then, you get bangs! 1384 00:57:23,276 --> 00:57:25,278 Then, you post about your bangs on Instagram, 1385 00:57:25,278 --> 00:57:28,740 and you only get one fire emoji, and it's from your hairstylist! 1386 00:57:28,740 --> 00:57:31,910 - Fuck! Now, I have bangs! - (cheering) 1387 00:57:31,910 --> 00:57:34,996 Only Taylor Swift can pull off this look! (gagging) 1388 00:57:34,996 --> 00:57:37,332 Then, you realize you don't have the core strength 1389 00:57:37,332 --> 00:57:38,792 to keep doing this joke! 1390 00:57:38,792 --> 00:57:42,087 - (applause) - You wonder why the fuck you wrote this bit! 1391 00:57:42,587 --> 00:57:45,507 Why is this your career at the age of 39? 1392 00:57:45,507 --> 00:57:47,467 Is this even art anymore? 1393 00:57:47,467 --> 00:57:50,929 - (gagging) - (laughter) 1394 00:57:50,929 --> 00:57:52,138 (panting) 1395 00:57:52,138 --> 00:57:54,683 It's all so exhausting, you guys! 1396 00:57:54,683 --> 00:57:57,560 - (cheering) - There's too many dicks, 1397 00:57:57,560 --> 00:58:00,438 and you can't jerk them all off, no matter how hard you try. 1398 00:58:00,438 --> 00:58:02,107 (laughter) 1399 00:58:02,107 --> 00:58:04,275 It's relentless, it's exhausting, 1400 00:58:04,275 --> 00:58:08,113 and there's no safe word, you know? 1401 00:58:08,113 --> 00:58:09,823 Life is a gangbang, 1402 00:58:09,823 --> 00:58:12,659 and most of the time, you don't even get to cum. 1403 00:58:12,659 --> 00:58:15,286 - (cheering) - (panting) 1404 00:58:15,286 --> 00:58:18,498 (applause) 1405 00:58:18,498 --> 00:58:20,959 - But... - (electronic music playing) 1406 00:58:20,959 --> 00:58:23,044 there is good news. 1407 00:58:23,044 --> 00:58:25,046 'Cause someday, 1408 00:58:25,046 --> 00:58:27,132 - you'll die. - (laughter) 1409 00:58:27,132 --> 00:58:30,260 (applause, cheering) 1410 00:58:41,396 --> 00:58:43,148 Thank you, Seattle! Good night! 1411 00:58:43,148 --> 00:58:45,191 ♪ Someday, you'll die ♪ 1412 00:58:47,777 --> 00:58:51,781 ♪ Someday, you'll die... ♪ 1413 00:58:52,949 --> 00:58:54,534 ♪ Someday, you'll die ♪ 1414 00:58:54,534 --> 00:58:56,703 ♪ I'm not okay ♪ 1415 00:58:56,703 --> 00:58:58,913 ♪ I sound insane ♪ 1416 00:58:58,913 --> 00:59:03,126 ♪ It's not my whole words in my brain ♪ 1417 00:59:03,126 --> 00:59:05,962 ♪ I can't complain ♪ 1418 00:59:05,962 --> 00:59:07,797 ♪ My life is ♪ 1419 00:59:07,797 --> 00:59:11,009 ♪ Fucking great ♪ 1420 00:59:11,009 --> 00:59:12,719 (cheering fades out) 1421 00:59:12,719 --> 00:59:15,055 ♪ When life's a mess, and you're depressed ♪ 1422 00:59:15,055 --> 00:59:17,265 ♪ Breathe deep and just be grateful ♪ 1423 00:59:17,265 --> 00:59:20,685 ♪ There's just one sure thing in this life ♪ 1424 00:59:21,853 --> 00:59:24,814 ♪ That someday, you'll die ♪ 1425 00:59:26,691 --> 00:59:30,862 ♪ Someday, you'll die... ♪ 1426 00:59:31,363 --> 00:59:34,157 ♪ Someday, you'll die! ♪