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[flicking lighter]
[announcer speaking indistinctly behind doors]
[audience cheering in distance]
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
get ready for Pete Davidson!
-[door opens] -[audience cheering loudly]
[door closes]
[Pete] I just, uh… I just turned 30 this week, so yeah.
[audience cheering]
No, it's over, dude. It's over.
I just, uh… I had to stop doing hard drugs
'cause you can't… can't be a drug addict in your thirties.
I'm not that guy. You know that guy that can just do one bump of coke?
He's like, "Oh, I'm so bad!"
[audience laughs]
Or that guy who'll have two beers, like, "I might have diarrhea tomorrow."
You're like, "Fuck you, dude, you fuckin'…"
Doing drugs in your twenties is fine. There's an excuse.
You're like, "I'm finding myself." You know? It's cute, you know?
Do a little bump off an iPad with your friends? It's adorable.
Say cute things like, "I'm a crispy little dolphin." You know?
All your boys are like… [makes dolphin sounds] You know?
Then one of your boys has a kid, and you're holding it,
you're like, "I think I'm a drug addict. I think I need some help."
I was on a magical drug
for the last two-and-a-half, three years, called ketamine.
-It was amazing. What a time! -[audience howls]
I thought of amazing ideas, great ideas.
Like, uh, an Italian sleep aid called [in heavy Italian accent] Melatone.
-Sorry. -[audience laughs]
[chuckles] Sorry. So dumb.
You go to sleep right away with [in heavy Italian accent] Melatone.
Sorry.
No prescription. Some guy just gives it to you under a bridge
and kisses you on the cheek.
[audience laughs]
[in heavy Italian accent] "Take one when you hit the turnpike. Alright, hey."
Sorry.
If you don't know ketamine, you probably did it accidentally
if you're a coke head. Yeah.
You'll be doing coke all night. You'll do one bump, and be like, "Whoa."
"This is not cocaine."
"Also, am I gay?"
[audience laughs]
It's embarrassing when you're not on ketamine anymore.
You're like, "Ooh."
"Ugh!"
"I'm embarrassed. I was out and about like that. That's not cool." You know?
I was at funerals like that. That's fucked up, right?
I was at Aretha Franklin's funeral like that.
Yeah, I have to live with that.
She'll never know, but still, it's not the point.
If she was there, she'd probably be like,
"Hey! Who are you and what the fuck are you doing at my funeral?"
It's embarrassing.
I was so high I thought it was a good idea to say to her family,
"Hey, I'm just here to pay my R-E-S-P-E-C-Ts."
[audience laughs]
Yes.
I started renting movies on Apple.
Fuck Apple and their rental service! Scumbags!
They're like the mafia, those fucking assholes.
They're such assholes as a company.
Did I buy the new phone? Of course, but… fuck them!
They're like the mob.
Like, "You're not getting our new phone? Okay."
"Guess whose phone's at 43% forever. Fuck you."
"Every day of your life is now a guess, my friend."
"You just buy your new dream car? Save up?"
Oh, great. Charger port's different.
Yeah. Every time you get a blow job now, you gotta be like,
"Sorry, they got a new charger. Sorry about that."
"Yeah, I know. Apple! I know."
Sorry.
Scumbags!
You ever go to rent a movie on Apple, and it's $4.99 to buy
and $3.99 to rent?
And you're like, "Fuck you, dude!"
Really? You're going to make me own Jeepers Creepers 2?
You fucking assholes!
I don't know.
My mom's having a midlife crisis.
Uh, yeah, she's really far up my ass right now.
You know, she's 55.
She hasn't been with anybody since my dad died.
So it's been like 23 years since she's, you know, spread 'em, I guess.
I don't know.
She called me, having a midlife crisis. She was like, "I want to get a facelift."
I was like, "For what? You don't even use your face."
[audience laughs]
I'd get it if she was out getting tagged or something.
You know, what you getting a facelift for? To watch Grey's Anatomy?
[audience laughs]
[in high-pitched voice] "I love Eric Dane."
Yeah, my mom won't fucking date. I'm trying to get her to date.
She was like, "Your father was my man." You know?
-[woman] Aw. -No! It-- "Aw" at first.
It's been 20 years of this fuckin' Nicholas Sparks bullshit.
I'm tired of it. I'm tired of it! She needs to get out there.
Okay? She needs to sign up to Hinge or fucking Bumble.
Whatever the fucking-- The one the ladies get to choose.
Whatever. Girls are so cute.
They're like, "It's cool! We get to choose who comes on our face." Anyway, um…
[audience laughs]
"Ain't that nice?"
She needs to get out there
'cause all that weird energy
that's supposed to be on a cock
goes to me and my sister, okay?
And it's fucking weird.
I'll go over to my mom's. I'll hang out, eat dinner for an hour,
and she's like, "Where you going?" I'm like, "Home. What do you mean?"
Unless we're about to fuck in the shower, I don't--
My duties as a son are done.
[audience laughs]
It's to the point where I might fuck her just to get her off my back.
-[audience laughs] -Yeah, that's right.
"Maybe you're just not as good of a son as you think you are, huh?"
I'm the fucking son of the century right here!
Give me my ribbon!
If I fuck my mom over Thanksgiving, my grandpa would kiss my forehead,
and go, "I heard what you did for your mother. You're a good son."
"She's smiling finally, hey."
She needs to get out there. I'm trying to find her a suitor.
Someone to fuck my mom, that's a difficult thing.
You want it to be good but you want the guy to be good.
And that's-- You know, that's a rarity.
You want the type of guy that fucks her missionary-only.
But still makes her come twice, rolls over.
Hands her the remote, goes, "Heard Dancing with the Stars is on."
You know, that guy. Where is that guy?
My mom's a good catch. 55, hasn't been with anyone in 23 years.
It's like fucking brand-new down there.
Refurbished iPhone, right? You know?
Screen cracks. "Should I get a new one?"
"No, send it to this weird company called Insureon."
In three weeks, you get it back, and when you charge it, it's all weird,
but it gets the job done pretty much.
That's my mom's pussy, dude!
Fifty-five, hasn't been with anyone in 23 years.
Brand-new down there. She's like a classic car.
She's like a '68 Mustang with like 2,000 original miles on it.
All original interior.
You go to the dealer,
get behind the wheel, like, "Where the fuck's this been hiding?"
"It's brand-new in here! What's its story?"
Then the guy's like, "Well, some old guy had it and died."
"And his son kept it in the garage for 23 years."
"But better make a move fast."
"I hear the son's thinking of keeping it for himself."
[audience laughs]
"Hey, I like the way she drives."
"This thing is priceless to me."
My mom was a single mom, you know.
But all moms are single moms, you know, right?
You know you're alone, right?
My mom was so tired all the time.
And now that I look back, horny apparently.
"Horny and tired."
So, like, I-I-I never wanted to tell her
any of my troubles, because she had no time for anything.
And any time I told her a problem, she always had one solution.
She'd be like, "You should take a nap." No matter the severity of the situation.
That's the type of person my mom is. In complete denial.
Both my wrists could be cut, and I could be holding a knife.
Like, [in screeching voice] "I don't wanna be here!"
She'd be like, "Have you slept today? You look tired."
She's that type of mom, you know.
And I remember I had a huge problem when I was ten.
I thought I was gay, you know.
I was wrong, but I thought, at ten,
because I was obsessed with Leonardo DiCaprio, I was in love.
Yes. I was into girls too, but I'm from Staten Island.
In 2002, no girl was hotter than Leonardo DiCaprio in Staten Island.
What a piece of ass he was, oh my God.
He still gets pussy today based off what he looked like in 2002.
He is the GOAT. I hope he never gets married.
Running the best catch and release program the universe has ever seen.
Leave him alone. I hope one day I get invited to the big yacht in the sky.
With Tobey Maguire and sometimes Emile Hirsch, you know.
"Matching Dodger hats, chicks half our age, guts going."
He don't give a fuck. Leonardo DiCaprio don't give a fuck.
He's all schleppy. He's not even in shape.
He's all fucking fat, slowly morphing into Jack Nicholson.
He don't give a shit.
Walking around on his yacht, looking at babes.
Going, "Hey, uhh, I still fuck."
"Uhh!"
"Uhh! I still fuck. Uhh!"
"I make one movie so good every three years,
I just get to fuck. Uhh!"
"The ice caps are melting. Uhh!"
So when I was ten, I was on my porch all gay, thinking about this guy.
Fresh off of a double-VHS of Titanic. "Spit in my mouth, Jack," I would say.
[audience laughs]
"Let's fog up a Model T together."
My dream is to be Fabrizio.
[audience laughs]
You know, that's my dream in real life.
'Cause Fabrizio was Leonardo's best friend and then he died.
That's my dream, dude.
-[audience laughs] -[chuckles]
So I remember I was sitting on my porch, you know,
and I was like, "How am I going to tell my mom I'm gay?" You know what I mean?
My mom's an Irish Catholic Staten Island mom.
She didn't tell me I was Jewish till I was 25,
and that's because I found out.
I did a 23andMe or ancestry, whatever.
One of my boys did it. He came back Neanderthal.
And he was talking all this weird Neanderthal shit.
He was like, "I'm Neanderthal, actually the rarest fucking…" [mumbles]
I was like, "You're sill a dork. You're still a fucking stupid dork."
But he was talking all this shit,
I was like, "I got to get swabbed. Maybe I'm Neanderthal or something."
And it came back, I was like 50% Jewish.
And I called my mom, 'cause I was raised Catholic and… [mimics chanting]
All that forever. You know.
I was like, "Mom, am I Jewish?" She was like, "Yeah."
[audience laughs]
So how am I going to tell her I'm gay?
So I was sitting on my porch all gay. My mom pulls up, right?
Slams the car door.
She looks at me, goes, "What's wrong?" I go "Nothing."
She says, "No, what's wrong?" I guess she noticed I looked a little gay.
I go, "I think I'm gay." She goes, "Are you tired?"
And I go, "No, I'm just-- I don't think sleeping fixes homosexuality."
Imagine if it did? Imagine if gays are just tired.
Elton John must be exhausted.
[audience laughs]
She goes, "Why do you think you're gay?" I go, "'Cause of Leonardo DiCaprio."
She goes, "That's not gay." I go, "It is. I have posters of him in my room."
Like Titanic and the beach.
Not even the movie The Beach, just him on the beach.
With Tobey, you know?
Matching Dodger hats, you know?
She goes, "That's not gay." "Yes, it is."
Right there, that was too long of a problem for my mom.
She just snaps.
She just goes, "All right! You wanna know if you're gay, Peter?"
I'm like, "Whoa, what the fuck is this, a circus all of a sudden?"
"Step right up! My son the queer!" I was like…
[audience laughs]
I'm like "Relax, we have neighbors. They're starting to gather."
She goes, "This is how you know you're gay. Let me ask you this."
"Do you want to suck his dick?"
I don't know what that means. I'm ten. I just don't answer.
She goes, "Do you want to suck his dick?" And I just keep going…
'cause I don't know what that is.
She goes, "Pull his pants down, grab his dick, you know,
put it in your mouth till it expands."
I was like, "What? Expands? What the fuck are you talking about?"
I'm ten! I got a baby button cock at the time.
♪ Baby button cock Little weird boy cock ♪
[audience laughs]
It expands? What the fuck you talking about?
She goes, "Do you wanna get fucked from behind, Peter?"
"By Leonardo DiCaprio?"
"Do you want to look behind you and Leonardo DiCaprio's behind you,
puts his dick in your butthole, it expands?"
I was like, "You gotta stop with the expansion thing."
I'm ten, it's 2002.
Only expansion I'm aware of, Houston Texans are now in the NFL.
That is it! I don't know about cock expansion, Mom.
She goes, "You get fucked from behind by Leonardo."
"And he's going to town, and he mushes your face in the pillow."
"You're down there for 20 seconds, and then you look up, and all of a sudden,
Leonardo's outside the window waving at you."
"You're confused,
'cause you're still getting fucked from behind."
"And then you look behind you, and it's Tobey Maguire! Tobey Maguire!"
"Is that what you want?"
I was like, "Sounds like you need a nap, and that's what you want, psychopath."
I just said, "No!"
And she goes, "Not gay."
[audience laughs]
This is going to sound weird. I don't like doing Make-A-Wishes.
-Um… -[audience laughs]
Just 'cause they're sad, that's all.
By the way, not getting a lot of offers, might add.
Believe it or not, it's not a lot of people's dying wish to meet me.
It's usually their wish for me to die, actually. Complete opposite.
There's a foundation for that.
I don't like doing them 'cause they're sad, that's all.
They make me really sad, especially when you're in a k-hole.
When you're on ketamine, and they say, "This kid is sick."
You're like, "I know."
"And I'm pretty sure I could cure him."
[audience laughs]
"Listen to Alan Watts and put on The Last Dragon. Let's go."
Sorry.
They're just sad, that's all.
The Make-A-Wish Foundation called, "We got one for you!"
I was like, "That's a weird way to go about it." Right?
I don't know the right one, but…
Not like, "Hey, we caught one! Real sicko! A real sick one."
"That's what we do."
They call me, "His name's Kevin, he's dying of cancer."
I said, "That's so sad. I'm sorry."
They're like, "His dying wish is to meet you."
I said, "Is it brain cancer?"
[audience laughs]
So I set it up. They ask, "Do you want to do this?"
I was like, "Yeah, I just drove into a house, I could use good press."
[audience laughs]
In my defense, that house cut me off, all right? That fucking-- Just fucking…
They didn't put that in the article.
So I'm nervous, because I'm not a good Make-a-Wish guy candidate.
If there was a Make-a-Wish video game,
I wouldn't be a character you could select.
Like, "Pete Davidson!" You know?
It wouldn't be me. You know who's good at that? Johnny Depp.
Johnny Depp comes in dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow.
He's like, "Hello, children." [mumbles]
And the kids are laughing, and the nurses are wet.
It's fucking awesome. They're fucking all, like, soaked.
He's good, you know?
Or John Cena, the wrestler. He's amazing.
I think he's done the most ever. God bless him.
He comes in. He has, like, a championship belt.
He's all wrestlery. He's like, "What's up, son? How you doing, champ?"
The kid's like, "Oh!"
And then he's like, "Wanna hold my belt?" "Huh? Wanna hold my belt?"
I'm watching, like, "I don't have a belt. What am I going to do? I got nothing."
Give him my phone and say, "Scroll to the right"?
"Want to see some ass, dude? Fuck yeah."
"Yeah, she's cool, dude."
"She's actually your doctor." Anyway…
[audience laughs]
So I was all nervous, you know, 'cause I want to show up for this kid.
I want to kill it, you know.
The Make-A-Wish, not actually… That would be easier.
Wouldn't that be great? You get murdered by your favorite celeb.
"It's been great. Yep." Bang!
[audience laughs]
So I was thinking, "What's my belt?"
I want to crush this.
This is a huge deal. I want to do well.
And I was like, "Ooh." I was like, "Okay, let's think about it."
The kid is going to die, right?
That's-- No, I'm not being a dick. That's just what a Make-A-Wish is.
That's all.
Otherwise, why would you hang out with a kid for three hours?
That's weird, you know. You'd be a pedophile, actually.
Ironically, for a pedophile, that would be their Make-a-Wish, you know?
Hang out with a dying, weak one, you know?
[audience laughs]
Yeah, I don't give a fuck. I was molested, so I can make those jokes.
-I don't give a shit, so there you go. -[audience cheers]
I'm not saying that to be cool. I just don't have the Internet.
I don't do interviews. I don't wanna be like, "Well, actually…"
[audience laughs]
I was like, "This kid's gonna die, there's nothing I can do." Right?
But what I could do, I could tell him all of my secrets.
Right? I have a lot of secrets.
I don't kiss and tell 'cause I'm an old-school broad.
I keep it to the chest, and I hope God gets you.
That's how I roll.
I have a lot of secrets,
things I can't tell my friends or my therapist,
'cause I don't trust them, you know.
And I'm pretty sure one of them works for the Daily Mail.
[audience laughs]
But I was like, "I can tell this kid 'cause it's not going anywhere."
It's like a sure thing. Very few things in life are sure.
It's kinda nice, you know.
So that's what I did.
I hung out with him for three hours, sung like a canary.
Told him everything. "This guy's actually cool, this guy's not."
"This guy's in the Illuminati, this guy needs to be burned to come."
One of those is me, and I won't tell you which one.
We had an amazing time. He was so happy. I was so happy.
A huge weight was lifted off of me too.
I got to tell him some stuff, get some stuff off my chest.
It was great, beautiful. He hugged me.
He said, "That was so much fun. I'll see you around."
I was like, "Well, I don't know about that, but… you know…"
I was like, "Godspeed, little man, you know."
How cool was that?
Hit him with a "Godspeed." Huh? How often do you get to do that in life?
I remember driving home, like, "Godspeed, you motherfucker. That's pretty cool."
"What are you, Magnum PI? That was awesome."
And I felt great.
And then a week went by, and I went on the Make-A-Wish website,
and the kid was still alive.
[audience laughs]
Started getting a little nervous.
I don't know who this kid knows.
So I called up the foundation, check up on him, you know.
Make sure no miracles are afoot.
[audience laughs]
Hey, I held up my end!
I was promised a dead child!
[audience laughs]
I'm tired of people lying to me!
So I call up the fucking Make-A-Liars.
I go, "Hey, you fucking lying sacks of shit."
They go, "Who is this?" I go, "It's Pete Davidson."
They go, "Kevin was just telling us what a wonderful time he had."
I go, "I had a great time too."
"He said you really shared a lot." I go, "Oh fuck, did he?"
I guess a pinky promise means dick to Kevin.
I go, "How's he doing?"
They go, "Well, not well, but there's always hope."
I go. "Yeah, well, how much? How much hope do you think?
'Cause if cancer don't get him, I will, at this point. He knows too much.
They go "We appreciate your concern." I go, "Oh, I'm very, very concerned."
"You let me know when it happens."
They go, "We will." Hung up.
Next week, I was freaking out a little bit.
Just looking at the phone.
And then, you know, finally. Yeah.
[audience laughs]
They called, you know, and, uh, yeah.
Wish fulfilled.
[audience laughs]
Joke over, he dies. That's it.
There is no happy ending.
It is a happy ending, in that it's exactly what was supposed to happen.
I was watching Chappelle specials, and I noticed--
Yeah, he's the best.
I noticed when he's crushing and having a good time, he'll be like, "Aah!"
That actually hurt a little bit.
Chappelle got some thick legs doing that.
I was like, "I wish I had one of those things,
where I'm crushing, and I get to…"
Whatever that…
Maybe when I'm doing well, I-I-I-I'll go like this.
"Wish fulfilled."
[audience laughs]
Maybe-- Maybe I'll carry around packing peanuts in my pocket,
and after a punchline, I'll be like…
[audience laughs]
It's been a very sad year.
I lost my stalker.
I think that's sad, you know?
You really don't know what you got till it's gone.
[audience laughs]
You know, I remember when I first met my stalker. She was outside my house.
It's weird when you get a stalker, 'cause there's two parts of your brain.
First time you get a stalker, you're like, "Oh my God, this is so weird and scary."
But there's the other part of your brain, "I guess I'm doing well." [giggles]
Then you get a good look at your stalker, and you're like, "Maybe not so well, huh?"
I'll never forget. I met her. She was outside my house,
wearing a shirt with my face on it.
And it wasn't even a flattering photo.
It was like blown up and warped. My eyes were all over.
It was like a nightmare. It was so-- It insulted me.
It was so bad. I wanted to go up to her and be like, "Hey."
"If you're ever going to do this, like,
here's five photos of myself that I like, okay?"
So, you know, I pull up, she's out there.
She's a stalker, so, you know.
Not hot, you know?
That's what you picture when you picture a stalker. Not hot.
If they were hot,
they wouldn't be a stalker, they'd be my girlfriend.
So… yeah. "How much do you love me? We'll figure it out. Get up there."
So I'm outside, right?
And I pull up, and she's there.
And I don't have a gun, right? But she doesn't know that, right?
So I was watching a lot of SVU at the time,
and when they're approaching the perp,
they get out of the car, they show their gun,
and they usually put it in their jacket like this,
and they walk to let 'em know they got one, but not to alarm people.
And I didn't have a gun, but she don't fucking know that, right?
So I made a finger gun,
and I put it in my pocket like this.
And I started walking towards her, okay?
So I'm looking at her like this.
And she's kind of smiling at me.
She's kinda… I was like, "Why is she smiling?"
Then I was like, "Oh. She thinks I have a boner." Okay, yeah.
This is like her Make-A-Wish. This is…
And I literally went,
"Not a boner, just a finger gun," which I think is worse.
I should have just had a boner, to be honest with you.
'Cause now I'm a loser in front of my own stalker, and I'm…
Now she's winning. Now I'm bothering her in a weird way.
So, I go, "What are you doing here?"
And I don't know where to look 'cause I'm on her shirt,
and I'm all over the place. And she's--
I'm a little scared to talk to her, so I'm just, like, confused.
I said, "What are you doing here?" And she just said, "I love you!" You know.
I was like, "That's very nice, but you can't be here."
And she goes, "Why?"
I was like, "I don't know, it's never gotten this far, to be honest."
Usually you go, "Get the fuck out." People say, "Sorry!"
I didn't expect someone to challenge.
I was like, "I don't know, you just can't be here."
And she was like, "Why?"
I was like-- I don't-- I don't know where to go.
I was trying to think what to say, and then I was thinking about it.
She seemed a little nuts, you know?
You know, I-- I'm crazy.
So crazy people could, you know-- Like, we can tell.
She's definitely a little nuts. She's, you know--
First of all, look at the shirt, you know.
You know.
And she's stalking me, you know what I mean? That's…
So I felt a little bad.
I was like, "You got to be nice and careful with the situation," right?
So I told her. I was like…
I kind of went elementary school on her.
I went like, "Hey."
I was like, "You can't be here because this is where I go poopy."
[audience laughs]
And after I said that, a little light flickered in her eye,
like she was a Who from Whoville. She was…
She was like, "What?" I said, "Yeah, I go poopy here."
She goes, "Ugh."
"You wouldn't want to be here while I'm doing that."
And she goes, "No!"
I got a little embarrassed. I was like, "Why? You'd be so lucky."
"You'd be so lucky if you were around my poopy."
She said "What?"
I was like, "Never mind. Yeah, you shouldn't come here."
"I could be pooping and that's gross."
"And I have Crohn's, so it could be a war zone up there."
And she was like, "Okay, I'm sorry. I won't ever come back here."
Then she left. Right? I thought the problem was solved.
No, that is just our first encounter. Okay?
It's a very long story, so buckle in. Also, I do have Crohn's.
I told people I had Crohn's when I was like 19, 20,
'cause I had it really bad,
and then now it's mostly fine, like, 90% of the time.
Uh, but like, I--
It's weird. I don't like telling people that,
like, 'cause I got good meds 'cause things are going all right,
so I'm doing okay--
But the reason why I thought--
that's a gross thing to say, but I have to say it
because people come up to me outside,
and try to bond with me over Crohn's.
And it's just like--
Not even at the bathroom, you know what I mean?
I'll just be in line at a store, and someone'll come up to me
and be like, "Hey!"
"Me too."
[audience laughs]
And I'm like "What?" And they just go, "Yeah."
"I got a poopy butthole as well."
"Name's Phil." I'm like, "Ugh! Fuck it."
I don't have the heart to say, "I don't have your Crohn's."
I'm like the Magic Johnson of Crohn's.
Okay, so…
I go out of town, right?
My mom and my mom's 79-year-old friend Terry
are watching my house.
Terry is a girl.
My mom told me I have to tell people that Terry is a girl after a show once.
She was like, "Terry could also be a guy's name, and we love Terry,
and if this comes out, and people start--"
"We don't want anyone to think she's a guy so you should say that she's a girl."
And I said, "Hey, Mom."
"Nobody gives a fuck
about you or Terry."
[audience laughs]
So my mom and my mom's 79-year-old female friend Terry
are watching--
Yeah, now the joke's gonna work!
They're watching my house, okay? My mom is oblivious to reality.
She's a very smart lady, but she's just--
She's one of those moms that's always like, "Really? No!"
Just doesn't believe anything. I told her. I said, "Someone knows where we live."
"Someone could come over and hurt you."
And she goes, "No. No, they're looking for you."
"They're not gonna… They're not gonna hurt me."
I'm like, "That's fair, but could you humor me? This is scary."
And I was like, "There's someone-- I have a stalker."
"And you just gotta be aware in case she comes by."
She goes, "All right. What does she look like?"
I was like, "You'll know. Trust me. Unmistakable. Okay?"
So I go out of town.
Okay, stalker comes back, she rings the doorbell.
My mom answers and goes, [high-pitched voice] "Hey, who are you?"
That's what my mom sounds like, by the way.
Like an Adam Sandler Hubie Halloween character.
[in high-pitched voice] "How you doing?"
So fellas, imagine that while you're tagging it.
[in high-pitched voice] "Ooh!"
She'll probably say things like, "Ooh, thank you! Thank you!"
She's been out the game so long, she don't know dirty-- "Thanks, sir!"
So my mom goes, "Hey, who are you?"
Stalker goes, "I'm Pete's friend."
My mom, of course, goes, "Well, come on in."
[audience laughs]
Stalker proceeds to watch Grey's Anatomy with my mom and Terry for three hours.
Three hours goes by,
my mom finally thinks, "Maybe I should call Peter."
"See if he's coming by to hang out with his friend."
She calls me, goes, "Hey, where are you?"
I go, "London."
She goes, "Oh, well, your friend's here."
I go, "Is she hot?"
And my mom goes, [in high-pitched voice] "Eh…"
And I go, "You're under attack!"
[audience laughs]
"Run for your fucking life!"
I go, "Very important. Go to the garage and call the cops."
"But pretend like nothing's wrong, okay?"
Now, I hope none of this ever happens to any of you,
but I did get to hear my mom act on the phone.
Which is priceless for me.
My mom is always like, "Put me in your stuff."
I was like, "All right, make it to the garage."
You make it-- You make it to the garage,
you get an audition or something, yeah.
My mom goes to the garage, I go, "Call my boy."
Don't know if anybody has a boy like this.
A friend you've been friends with for a decade.
You do drugs almost every day together, then you don't see him for three months,
then the next time you see him, he's just a cop.
[audience laughs]
And you're like, "Tasty?" He's like, "Uh-huh! Officer Tasty now."
You know?
Better change your name in my phone to Officer Tasty.
So Tasty goes over.
I'm on speakerphone now with Tasty, my mom, and my stalker.
Female Terry fled, okay?
[audience laughs]
Tasty goes, "We got her. What do you want me to do?"
I was like, "You're the cop." He goes, "I have her in handcuffs."
I go, "Very good. That's good."
He goes, uh, "She's holding a present."
I go, "Okay." I was like, "Open it."
He goes "What?" I go, "Open it." He goes, "Why?" I go, "It's a present."
What do you mean?
She's a stalker. She probably knows me pretty good, you know.
Probably a good gift. I dunno.
I get a lot of shitty gifts. She might--
He goes, "Bro, it could be a bomb!" I go, "Dude, she can't make a bomb."
"She can't even make a t-shirt. You think she's gonna fucking…
put a bomb together, dude?"
He goes, "All right."
I'm on speakerphone. I just hear this…
[mimics scraping sound]
And then my boy just goes, "Oh!"
"No!"
"Bro!"
"This is disturbing!"
Which is a very big word for Tasty.
He's never pulled the three syllables before.
[audience laughs]
I go, "What is it?"
He goes, "Bro, it's 20 pairs of soiled underwear."
[audience laughs]
Fuck you! No one's ever done that for you.
Don't talk about my girl like that. Only I can.
You wish your girl gave you 20 pairs of dookie drawers.
Yeah. It's fucking thoughtful.
I called my girl, like, "You gotta step it up!"
"You never even met female Terry."
[audience laughs]
Twenty pairs? Yes, it's gross, but it's thoughtful.
One pair is gross.
One pair is a hit. That's a fuck you.
"Here's my shit." You know what I mean? Twenty pairs is a crime of passion.
[audience laughs]
Yeah, it's crazy, but then again so is love.
I have Crohn's. Maybe she was trying to communicate
through some weird fecal matter thing.
I don't know, she's bonkers.
Twenty pairs? That's thoughtful.
That takes time.
You can't knock out 20 pairs of doody drawers in one day.
Even if you had diarrhea, by the 11th pair, it'd be a little light.
[audience laughs]
I like to think it was a day at a time. I do, every night.
I like to think about it.
I like to picture, you know?
She comes home from a long day
of eating Hot Pockets on an Acer computer, right?
She runs upstairs, you know.
She starts undressing, you know,
in front of the wall of Pete.
It's all posters of me, but she don't know how to make posters, so I'm all just…
[audience laughs]
…everywhere.
She puts on a sexy song. Well, sexy to her.
So like "Mambo No. 5" or some shit.
[chuckles]
She starts the séance, lights a candle,
blows it out with a fart, you know, gets it going.
She looks up at me.
I'm looking at her somewhere.
And she plants 'em.
♪ One, two, three-four-five ♪
-[audience laughs] -[hums Lou Bega's "Mambo No. 5"]
[makes a loud farting noise]
♪ …gin and juice But I really don't wanna… ♪
[makes loud farting noises]
She fucking gives a noogie, gets a good fucking…
And then she fucking, "Kobe!" Right into a little box for me.
She goes, "Oooh!"
[in high-pitched voice] "Nineteen to go, poopy surprise for Petey! Woo-hoo!"
It's my fantasy, and I'll jerk off to it if I want to!
[audience laughs]
Tasty goes, "What do you want me to do?" I go, "Get rid of her!"
"Keep one of those pairs." Sorry.
So now I got to get a restraining order, so that means I have to go to court.
Tell a bunch of, you know, officials I'm afraid of this lady.
So I'm at court, about to go in,
Tasty comes back to me.
He goes, "I just spoke to your girlfriend."
I go, "Fuck you!"
You know? "What did she say?" You know?
[audience laughs]
He goes, "She's not going to be able to be here today."
"She's going to be on the iPad."
And I go, "What the fuck? What do you mean she won't be here?"
She's a stalker, her job is to show up.
What do you mean?
Is she trying to get in my head or something?
'Cause it's working.
It's-- I'm a little sad.
You know, 'cause that-- that dookie surprise was thoughtful.
Though gross, you know.
So I was a little excited to see her, a little bit, you know.
I didn't try to look hot or anything, but I picked an outfit. You know, yeah.
Hell yeah! You know?
An outfit that said, like, "Hey."
"Don't give up." You know?
[audience laughs]
"Some things are worth fighting for."
Restraining order, shmestraining shorder.
I go, "What happened, Tasty?"
"What happened to my girl?"
He goes, "Bro, she was deemed unfit to stand trial."
Deemed unfit to stand up at a trial.
That means a bunch of medical professionals
and officers of the law saw her
and were like, "No."
I immediately felt insulted.
It's a little fucked up and embarrassing for me, don't you think?
"Deemed unfit"?
I don't think you understand how insane that is.
Let me put it in perspective for you. Jeffrey Dahmer
was deemed fit…
[audience laughs]
…to stand trial.
A guy who murdered and ate gay people.
One chick is into me, off to the nuthouse!
[audience laughs]
Are you fucking kidding me? That's ridiculous.
Killing and eating gays and poopy pants aren't the same!
First time in my life I was like, "I gotta vote!"
[audience laughs]
"System is corrupt."
Tasty goes, "There's one more thing. She said you guys had been communicating."
I go, "Dude, I swear--"
He goes, "Telepathically." I was like, "Whew!"
[exhales] Thought they found my burner.
He goes, "Telepathically, you know."
"She said that you actually told her to come over with your mind."
I go, "Whoa, that's fucked up."
And then he left, and I was alone, and I was a little sad,
and I was in my cool outfit.
I just had a moment of honesty, and I was just like…
"Hello."
[audience laughs]
"I miss you." [chuckles]
"You weren't supposed to tell anybody that we could do this."
"Also you were supposed to kill Terry and my mom
so we get the house."
"I got your panties in my pocket."
"Ziploc'ed to preserve the stench."
[laughs]
So I go to trial, I win, you know, which is nice.
I never win in life.
[chuckles]
Judge comes up to me, and he goes, "She fits the requirements for prison."
I go, "What?" He goes, "Do you want to send her to prison?"
I go, "No, I just want her off my lawn."
Like Gran Torino, you know? "Get off my lawn!" [mumbles]
But no big deal. Just… restraining order, you know?
But restrain her to the upper deck, so she can still pay for shit.
You know what I mean? Come to shows.
He goes, "You don't want her arrested?" I go, "No."
He goes, "That's very noble of you." I went, "Thank you, sir."
And then he goes, "We will do plan B then."
And he just smacks the hammer, and everybody's--
I was like, "Whoa, wait. What's plan B?"
He goes, "It's nothing."
"We're gonna sentence her to like six months,
in a mental rehab facility."
I was like, "What? That's not safe."
"That's like the one place I'd bump into her."
[audience laughs]
Might as well sentence her to Dave & Buster's while you're at it.
Rehab's like Cheers for me.
It's where everybody knows my name.
A month went by, I got the restraining order.
Didn't really hit me till the first time I pulled up to my house,
and no one was there.
And I went, "Oh."
I was reminiscing with my mom. I was like, "Remember she'd be out there."
"Remember?"
"Remember for Christmas once, she sent us all those cookies,
and we made female Terry eat them first…
[audience laughs]
…to make sure they were good?"
So I started missing her a little bit, you know.
So once in a while, I'd be like, "Hello. Where are you?"
And she wasn't receiving my signals.
So I made a finsta, and I started stalking her a little bit.
I found her.
She's doing well.
Seems to be for the best.
You know, and I was scrolling through.
You know, 'cause she's a stalker, you don't just stop stalking, right?
You pick someone else, I assume, right?
I was going through her Instagram,
and I found out she's a Jack Harlow fan now.
And I like Jack, but that, that fucking hurt.
That's a fucking kick in the dick.
I was like, "If you become a Matt Rife fan, I'll kill myself."
I swear to God.
[audience laughs]
So I was watching it, I came across this video
of her outside of a Jack Harlow show. Okay?
And, uh, Jack Harlow comes out and she--
I see her, I zoom in, and she's wearing a Jack Harlow T-shirt.
I guess she figured out how to do it 'cause he looked good in the photo.
And I was like, "Oh…"
"Oh. I was just practice."
Jack comes out, she goes, "I love you, Jack!"
I went… [exhales]
Even worse, Jack goes, "Hey, I love you, too." Says her name.
I went, "Oh…"
"I bet that meant so much to her." [exhales]
I was calling her "the thing".
[audience laughs]
I didn't know. I didn't know.
Feel like I'm gonna throw up, watching this.
Jack's about to get in his vehicle to leave.
She goes, "Hold on, Jack, I got a present for you."
I was like, "Oh, my God."
[chuckles]
Got my-- Guys, I felt like I was about to watch my girlfriend
get fucked by my best friend. I was like, "No! No!"
She goes into her backpack.
And her arm gets deeper and deeper. I was like, "No, oh my God. What is it?"
And then she pulls out an envelope.
Hands it to Jack, goes, "I made that for you."
He goes, "Thanks so much." Puts it in his jacket, drives off,
video over, I log out.
I start smiling to myself.
Just an envelope, huh?
[audience laughs]
Ha!
You can't fit 20 pairs of dookie drawers
in an envelope!
Couple of legal disclaimers.
So, she actually didn't send me 20 pairs of underwear.
She sent me two, but it smelled like 20, okay?
She also did not become a Jack Harlow fan.
I just made that up for hilarity.
And three, and this is the most important, I did fuck her brains out.
-[audience laughs] -[chuckles]
I'm just kidding. I just ate her box. That's it.
I got super freaked out 'cause my address got out.
So, I… I bought-- I moved to the woods.
[audience chuckles]
It's awesome.
Um, I was looking for a house for a really long time,
and my realtor really did not like me because--
At first, she was excited. She was like, "You're my first, you know…"
I was like, "Okay."
You know.
But she'd get annoyed because I saw like--
This is not a joke, I saw, like, 200 houses.
Eh, I wanted every one. I would cocktease… I'd be like, "This is gonna be it."
And then, you know… 'Cause I would get excited.
She hated me because it was taking so long,
and I understood, but I'd get excited about every house
'cause I grew up in mostly just apartments.
So every house was crazy to me.
I'd be like, "Oh my God, a backyard. What the fuck?"
"An above ground pool. How'd they get it out the ground? Oh my God."
"This must be one of them Frank Lloyd Wright houses."
I'd get intoxicated by words I never heard before.
She'd be like, "This could be your foyer."
I'd be like, "Fuck yeah, it could. Yeah. Yeah."
"Foyer." You know.
Then there was this one house
that I was like, "I'm going to get this house."
I knew I was going to get it, okay?
I was with my boys and her, and she was really exhausted,
'cause she didn't believe that I was going to pick one.
But I said, "I really love this house."
All that was left to see
eh, was the master bedroom.
Which is now "the primary," okay?
At the time, I did not know it is now called the primary, okay?
I thought it was "master bedroom."
I also didn't know it was called the master bedroom
because of slavery. I did not know that.
I thought it was the master bedroom because, in life,
when you buy a home, you, of course, become a master.
[audience laughs]
People come over, like, "Nice house." You go, "Yeah, I'm a fucking master."
I don't really think of slavery when I'm in houses, know what I mean?
That's all. You know.
I don't go, and I'm like, "Which one's the slave room?"
I'm not, "Show me the slave room!"
So I love this house. I think I'm about to get it.
I decide, like--
It's been a long time. I'm going to do a bit for my realtor.
Make her laugh, you know.
So there's a coat rack in the living room.
Okay, I grab it, and I go,
"Show me the master bedroom!"
[audience laughs]
I know.
My realtor, who was Black by the way…
[audience laughs]
…is speechless.
She looks like she's trying to tell me something,
probably to stop.
But I'm in full bit mode.
So every time she goes--
I go, "Don't interrupt the master!"
[audience laughs]
"Show me my master bedroom!"
"The room bigger than all the rooms, for I am the king."
My boys are on the floor dying laughing 'cause they're racist.
So they're having the fucking best time.
Finally, she grabs the coat rack
and goes, "Stop!"
She goes, "You got to stop. I'm trying to tell you it's the primary bedroom."
"It's not the master bedroom. It's because of slavery."
"It's a big deal about that now."
I was like, "Oh."
[audience laughs]
My boys started slowly getting up, like…
You know.
And then she just handed me the coat rack.
And it was quiet and awkward.
I didn't know what to do, but then I was thinking, you know,
if I've learned anything in almost 15 years of comedy,
it's that you commit.
[audience laughs]
To the bit, yes.
Especially, if it's not working.
So that's what I did.
I went, "You didn't let me finish!"
"We are all masters
of our own rooms. It's a figure of speech."
"Getting rid of slavery would have been my first decree."
"Upon further review, I will take this house!"
"If you sign this NDA."
[audience laughs]
"Perhaps in the primary foyer."
[audience laughs]
So I live in the woods.
[audience laughs]
My mom made a fake Twitter account
to defend me from trolls.
[audience] Aww!
"Aw." It's always "aw" when it's not your mom.
You ever realize that? When it's someone else's mom, "Aw."
When it's your mom, you're like, "Fuck you!"
So she made this fake Twitter account to defend me online
a couple years ago, okay?
The username was JoeSmith1355, right?
That's very smart. That is not her name.
But she's a mom and doesn't know how Twitter works.
So the username might have been JoeSmith1355,
but the profile name was Amy Davidson.
[audience laughs]
Icing on top, profile picture also Amy Davidson. Yes.
[audience laughs]
So I'm reading hate tweets one night while I masturbate
to make myself stronger.
[audience laughs]
And I was scrolling through,
and I see this one account defending me left and right.
Back in the day, when you used Twitter on Safari,
you didn't see the profile name or picture, just the username.
So I'm reading all these tweets, and people are being very mean.
But JoeSmith1355, defending me left and right.
I was reading all these nice tweets about me, JoeSmith1355.
It was to the point, I was like, "This is why I do this."
"Thank you, JoeSmith1355."
You know? I was reading all these tweets,
and then there was one tweet that was too specific,
and I literally said out loud, "This is my mom."
[audience laughs]
Which is a weird thing to say mid-jerk.
[audience laughs]
And then have to finish after that? "After this, I am going to call her."
I knew right away. This was the tweet.
The hate tweet was, "Pete Davidson is gay."
JoeSmith1355 writes,
"Actually, he's not."
"He may have thought he was gay as a child
because of Leonardo DiCaprio."
"Take a nap, hater."
[audience laughs]
I call my mom.
I go, "Joe Smith…
1355?"
She goes, "What gave it away?"
[audience laughs]
I go, "Your profile name and picture are of you."
And she goes, "Oh! Terry!"
[audience laughs]
Which means my mom made a Twitter account
with her 79-year-old female friend Terry,
and Terry was calling the shots.
Guys, thank you so much. That's been a lot of fun.
[audience cheering]
Have a good night. All right!
[cheering and applause]
♪ In my hood, I was the baby boy like Lil Jody ♪
♪ Bossed up Now I tell 'em when to go like I'm E-40 ♪
♪ 2019 I spent half the checks I got on codeine ♪
♪ Now I got superpowers Look at how high I be floating ♪
♪ I don't ever play no games But I'm always loading ♪
♪ I got a sweet tooth So I dip my car in candy coating ♪
♪ Kia boy When I was 13 what I drove a stolen ♪
♪ My 28th birthday My homie Pete bought me a Rollie ♪
♪ All these rappers corny Why when it was really beef ♪
♪ Way you act don't match The way you talking on your story ♪
♪ We got footage from the hotel 'Cause my dawg recorded ♪
♪ Put him to sleep Turn the audio up you hear him snoring ♪
♪ I'm from Cleveland But we on bullshit like Michael Jordan ♪
♪ They protect me at all costs 'Cause what I do important ♪
♪ Don't wake the beast inside of me up He been laying dormant ♪
♪ 2012 I lost two million fuckin' up a doorman ♪
♪ Skinny tatted tall white boy Rock and rollin' ♪
♪ I killed a lot of rappers I don't respect law and order ♪
♪ Open that backpack like I'm Dora Pull up in Explorers ♪
♪ Switched out, pull up in that Aston Blew the fucking motor ♪
♪ Four leaves in the blunt I'm ashin', I'm smokin' a clover ♪
♪ Seven figures if they booking me Tell the promoters ♪
♪ Walking out with bags It look like I just came for Krogers ♪
♪ Truth is I fucked your mom You'll find out when you're older ♪
♪ Can't stop won't start always rolling ♪
♪ Got to keep it on me So I don't get lonely ♪
♪ We the new mob and I feel like Tony ♪
♪ Rep it for the team, 24 like Kobe ♪
♪ Why you mad? (Why) Get your man (Get him) ♪
♪ We gon' light his ass up like a candle ♪
♪ What's the plan? (Yeah) ♪ ♪ What you saying? (What?) ♪
♪ Shake it 'til your cheeks spread And show your asshole, yeah ♪
♪ All we gotta do is pull up We gon' have all the bitches ♪
♪ All you gotta do is say, "It's up" You gon' have our attention ♪
♪ Don't be that so I don't kick it, 'Less it's 'bout some business… ♪