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I--I can't tell you
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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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00:00:06,131 --> 00:00:11,886
how honored I am
to have this opportunity.
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00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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My doctors told me
I wouldn't live past 18,
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00:00:16,307 --> 00:00:21,521
and now I'm 33 doing--
thank you.
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[cheers and applause]
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I'm doing what I love,
make people laugh,
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telling my story.
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And every day is such a gift.
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I'm so blessed.
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And I really wish I was dead.
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[laughter]
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Guys, the world is terrible.
15
00:01:04,105 --> 00:01:09,694
No one can afford
food, rent, health care.
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The planet is on fire.
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Why would I want to be here?
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The only reason
why I'm here is because
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I can't physically kill myself.
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[laughter]
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And my bitch friends--
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[laughter]
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Ramy--
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aren't man enough
to do it for me.
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[dramatic music]
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[cheers and applause]
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00:02:04,499 --> 00:02:09,379
♪ ♪
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I--I--I've been doing--
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00:02:11,256 --> 00:02:13,049
I've been doing
these charity shows,
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00:02:13,091 --> 00:02:16,594
uh, the--the whole tour
for the last few months.
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All the proceeds have gone
to humanitarian aid in Gaza,
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00:02:20,223 --> 00:02:21,725
which has been--
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00:02:21,766 --> 00:02:23,727
[cheers and applause]
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00:02:23,768 --> 00:02:25,979
Look, it--here's the thing.
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I--I actually don't like
doing charity shows.
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It--it comes
from a loving place,
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00:02:35,780 --> 00:02:40,660
but people always get upset
at the charity you chose,
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at the group you chose.
39
00:02:43,538 --> 00:02:45,874
Like, I did this first
charity show last year.
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It was for the earthquake
victims in Syria and Turkey.
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00:02:48,585 --> 00:02:49,336
Remember that?
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Like--like, four disasters ago.
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I felt so good about myself,
but no, right away,
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I'm getting cooked
in the inbox.
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Cooked.
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00:02:59,137 --> 00:03:01,473
By the Muslims.
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00:03:01,514 --> 00:03:03,725
First DM, I look,
I see it right there.
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It just says, "Brother."
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I'm like, "Fuck."
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00:03:06,936 --> 00:03:09,147
[laughter]
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00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:11,274
That's when you know.
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00:03:11,316 --> 00:03:14,152
Anytime somebody calls you
"brother" who's not family,
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00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:15,111
they're gonna fuck you.
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00:03:15,153 --> 00:03:16,738
Like, that's--
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they're calling you "brother,"
that's lube.
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[laughter]
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They want to call you family
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so they can fuck you
only like family could.
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Right away, "Brother,
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"well, well, well,
Mr. Hollywood.
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00:03:31,711 --> 00:03:36,257
"Look who finally decided
to donate to charity.
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00:03:36,341 --> 00:03:41,137
Where were you when the floods
happened in Pakistan?"
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[laughter, cheers]
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00:03:43,264 --> 00:03:47,644
I was like,
"I gotta cover everything?"
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Like, we're dealing
with the earthquakes.
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I gotta do the floods?
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Like, I gotta be, like,
the mayor of Muslim disaster?
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00:03:59,948 --> 00:04:02,283
Next--next message right away.
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00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:04,619
"You didn't post about
the women in Iran,"
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00:04:04,703 --> 00:04:06,037
which was messed up,
because I did.
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00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:07,497
So I start writing back.
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00:04:07,539 --> 00:04:10,333
And I'm like,
"I posted about those women."
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And she goes, "Nah.
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That was Story."
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00:04:19,050 --> 00:04:21,636
"Grid is real feminism."
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00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:27,308
You know, I was thinking
about this guy's message.
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00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:29,644
It really--it really got to me.
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00:04:29,728 --> 00:04:30,729
I started thinking--
I was like,
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00:04:30,770 --> 00:04:35,400
"Where was I when the floods
happened in Pakistan?"
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I was dry.
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Like--like, and I think that--
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and I think that everyone here
was, and that's the problem.
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00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:49,039
It's hard to care about a flood
when you're dry, right?
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Like, the whole world is wet,
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00:04:53,084 --> 00:04:54,586
and we're dry.
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00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:57,005
And I understood
what he was trying to say.
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00:04:57,088 --> 00:04:59,090
I could tell, like, at
the bottom of the question was,
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00:04:59,174 --> 00:05:00,133
he's asking--he's like,
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00:05:00,216 --> 00:05:01,593
"Hey, do you hate Pakistanis?"
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00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:03,428
Which is messed up,
'cause I love Pakistanis.
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00:05:03,511 --> 00:05:04,971
Are there any here?
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00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:05,930
[cheers and applause]
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00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:07,098
Yeah.
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00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:08,099
Where were you?
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00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:09,059
Like--like, none--
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00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:12,437
[laughter]
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00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:15,065
You were nowhere near it.
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00:05:15,106 --> 00:05:16,149
You had nothing to do with it.
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You were just as dry as me.
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And--and that's--
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I felt for this guy, though,
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00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,824
'cause I felt like
he was in Pakistan.
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00:05:24,908 --> 00:05:26,743
You know, like, there was
no location on his thing,
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00:05:26,785 --> 00:05:29,954
but he had, like,
foreign Instagram.
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[laughter]
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00:05:32,957 --> 00:05:35,293
You can tell when
someone's not in this country.
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00:05:35,377 --> 00:05:38,046
Like, they post
a lot of flowers and...
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It's hard.
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It's hard when you want
to do the right thing,
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00:05:43,426 --> 00:05:44,803
but you know
you can't help everybody.
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00:05:44,844 --> 00:05:47,263
And then everyone wants
something from you, right?
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00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:50,016
And--and--and--and it's--
and it's weird the--
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00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:51,351
the requests.
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00:05:51,434 --> 00:05:52,477
Like, I had a--
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00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:54,729
I did a show
a couple weeks ago.
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00:05:54,813 --> 00:05:56,398
Taylor Swift comes
to the show, right?
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It was--was really exciting.
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00:05:57,982 --> 00:06:00,652
Then I get a call from one
of my buddies from the mosque,
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00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:02,821
and he goes,
"You were with Taylor Swift
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00:06:02,862 --> 00:06:04,030
"for a whole night.
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00:06:04,114 --> 00:06:05,949
Did she convert?"
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00:06:08,535 --> 00:06:10,829
Like, I'm supposed
to make her Muslim in what--
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00:06:10,912 --> 00:06:12,247
like, that takes prison.
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00:06:12,330 --> 00:06:16,584
Like--like, that's not--
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00:06:16,668 --> 00:06:18,628
that's like when you don't
have parole.
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00:06:18,670 --> 00:06:19,963
You're like,
what are the Muslims doing?
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00:06:20,005 --> 00:06:21,840
Like, let me check that out.
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00:06:25,593 --> 00:06:27,804
I was supposed to do it
in a night?
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00:06:30,015 --> 00:06:31,182
But I don't even feel like--
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00:06:31,266 --> 00:06:32,517
I don't feel
the representation thing
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00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:34,894
in the way
that Muslim women do.
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00:06:34,978 --> 00:06:37,063
Like, hijabis--
where--any hijabis here?
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[cheers and applause]
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00:06:38,273 --> 00:06:40,358
You're the troops, straight up.
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00:06:40,442 --> 00:06:41,860
Walking around
with headscarves,
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00:06:41,901 --> 00:06:44,279
like, everyone will
ask you questions.
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00:06:44,362 --> 00:06:47,907
That's--there's nothing
like a hijabi.
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00:06:47,991 --> 00:06:50,493
The best--like,
what you have to go through,
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00:06:50,535 --> 00:06:51,703
the things you gotta answer.
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00:06:51,786 --> 00:06:53,663
Muslim dudes, like,
if we can, we're just--
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00:06:53,705 --> 00:06:55,248
we're going back
to being Dominican.
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00:06:55,331 --> 00:06:58,376
Like, we don't give a--
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00:06:58,460 --> 00:07:02,047
like, with everything
going on, we're just like,
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00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:06,259
"Hamas? No, no, no, no más.
145
00:07:06,343 --> 00:07:07,510
No, no más."
146
00:07:07,552 --> 00:07:09,429
I mean, like, we're no--
we're not even--
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00:07:09,512 --> 00:07:11,222
I'm not saying "habibi"
till 2050.
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00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:12,849
Like, I don't give a fuck.
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00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:14,893
[laughter]
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00:07:19,147 --> 00:07:20,315
It's weird times, man.
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00:07:20,398 --> 00:07:23,360
People are scared of us, still.
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00:07:23,401 --> 00:07:27,322
I thought it was over,
but the brand is weak.
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00:07:27,405 --> 00:07:28,490
They'll believe anything
about us.
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00:07:28,573 --> 00:07:29,783
Like, we need a re-brand.
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00:07:29,866 --> 00:07:31,326
We gotta--we gotta start
fixing stuff.
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00:07:31,409 --> 00:07:33,203
I'm done apologizing.
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00:07:33,244 --> 00:07:35,038
I'm done saying
that we're peaceful.
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00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:37,624
For 20 years,
we've had to prove to people
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00:07:37,707 --> 00:07:38,833
that we're safe, right?
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00:07:38,917 --> 00:07:40,210
Every time you turn on CNN,
there's, like,
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00:07:40,251 --> 00:07:43,963
some Arab dude talking
about how Islam means peace.
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00:07:44,047 --> 00:07:45,423
You know that guy?
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00:07:45,507 --> 00:07:47,759
But he's always shouting it.
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00:07:49,552 --> 00:07:52,597
He's always like,
"We come in peace!"
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00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:57,102
You're like, "Bro,
that's the slogan for aliens."
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00:07:58,061 --> 00:08:00,105
That's what aliens say
before they take over
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the fucking planet, bro.
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00:08:02,732 --> 00:08:03,900
I'm done.
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00:08:03,983 --> 00:08:05,402
I'm done saying sorry.
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00:08:05,443 --> 00:08:08,530
We gotta just start
inventing new shit.
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00:08:08,613 --> 00:08:10,448
We have--and the problem is
with Arabs too,
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00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:11,825
we're like,
"We invented everything."
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We're so cocky.
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00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:15,370
Arabs are like,
"We invented math."
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00:08:15,453 --> 00:08:16,621
[cheers and applause]
No, read the room.
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00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,915
Everybody hates math.
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00:08:20,291 --> 00:08:23,128
Math is over.
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00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:24,295
We need a car.
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00:08:24,379 --> 00:08:27,298
We need a fast Muslim car.
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00:08:28,466 --> 00:08:29,801
Just some crazy shit.
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00:08:29,884 --> 00:08:31,970
We need something new, dude.
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00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,888
Turkey's killing it.
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00:08:33,972 --> 00:08:34,889
Turkey, yeah.
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00:08:34,973 --> 00:08:36,474
What do you think--
what do Americans think of
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00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:37,976
when they think of Turkey?
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00:08:38,059 --> 00:08:38,977
Hair transplants.
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00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:39,978
Right away.
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00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:41,730
[laughter]
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00:08:41,813 --> 00:08:44,691
That government's crazy.
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00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:46,359
But everyone's like,
"Yeah, I think I'm gonna
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00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:48,945
go to Turkey for the summer."
192
00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:50,655
Your boy comes back
after about a year.
193
00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:52,907
You're like,
"You look good, dude."
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00:08:53,908 --> 00:08:56,578
And he's like,
"Yeah, Istanbul was beautiful."
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00:08:57,579 --> 00:08:58,538
That's what we need.
196
00:08:58,621 --> 00:08:59,831
Every country,
pick a body part.
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00:08:59,914 --> 00:09:00,832
Let's go.
198
00:09:00,915 --> 00:09:02,917
We need to like--
just come to the Middle East.
199
00:09:03,001 --> 00:09:05,003
Get hot.
200
00:09:05,086 --> 00:09:06,629
You know?
Like, come on down to Syria.
201
00:09:06,671 --> 00:09:07,672
Get a--get a new dick.
202
00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:09,841
Like, get a big old--
203
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,301
we'll give you a big dick, bro.
204
00:09:11,343 --> 00:09:12,886
Come to Syria.
205
00:09:12,969 --> 00:09:15,263
[laughter]
206
00:09:15,347 --> 00:09:16,431
These are just ideas.
207
00:09:16,514 --> 00:09:19,059
Like I said,
I'm not the representative.
208
00:09:23,646 --> 00:09:25,857
We need new shit,
209
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,484
'cause people still
keep putting us,
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00:09:27,525 --> 00:09:29,027
like, in this position,
211
00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:33,198
in this weird spot
where they doubt us.
212
00:09:33,281 --> 00:09:37,160
October 10th, I got a call
from a guy I know,
213
00:09:37,202 --> 00:09:41,915
and he goes, "Yo, bro,
where are you at with Hamas?"
214
00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,210
Like, where am I at?
215
00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:47,671
Like, are we fucking?
216
00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:51,341
What's the--am I a member?
217
00:09:53,385 --> 00:09:56,638
You think any of us like
what happened on October 7th?
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00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:58,181
It's awful.
219
00:09:58,223 --> 00:10:00,350
We hate seeing people die.
220
00:10:00,392 --> 00:10:01,393
It's inhumane.
221
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:02,727
It made me cry.
222
00:10:02,811 --> 00:10:04,104
And it always does.
223
00:10:04,187 --> 00:10:06,231
It's why we've been
talking about Palestine
224
00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:07,565
our whole lives.
225
00:10:07,649 --> 00:10:09,234
We hate what's happening there.
226
00:10:09,317 --> 00:10:10,610
We want justice.
227
00:10:10,694 --> 00:10:11,903
We want peace.
228
00:10:11,986 --> 00:10:13,279
And--we do.
229
00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:15,532
[cheers and applause]
230
00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:17,075
So of course I don't like it.
231
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:18,910
Now I gotta prove to you
that I'm not violent?
232
00:10:18,993 --> 00:10:20,662
Like, you think
that's what's in my heart?
233
00:10:20,745 --> 00:10:21,746
You know me.
234
00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:23,373
You think, like,
I'm like Hamas--
235
00:10:23,415 --> 00:10:24,708
like, bro, I'm a--
236
00:10:24,749 --> 00:10:26,126
I'm a Taliban guy.
237
00:10:26,209 --> 00:10:27,252
Like--like, that's--
238
00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:29,129
[laughter]
239
00:10:29,212 --> 00:10:30,797
That's a real group.
240
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:34,759
That's--they've been going
for 20 years.
241
00:10:34,843 --> 00:10:37,679
You know what I'm saying?
Like, they're strong.
242
00:10:37,762 --> 00:10:39,014
They don't let anybody
go to school.
243
00:10:39,097 --> 00:10:41,683
Like, that's--
244
00:10:41,766 --> 00:10:43,184
Hamas is letting people
go to school.
245
00:10:43,268 --> 00:10:44,227
I don't like that.
246
00:10:44,269 --> 00:10:47,105
Like, I--I hate school.
247
00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:50,692
I resent the question.
248
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:53,445
I resent the question.
249
00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:54,863
And you can feel the divide.
250
00:10:54,946 --> 00:10:56,489
You feel the division,
you know?
251
00:10:56,573 --> 00:10:58,742
And it's so much closer
than you think.
252
00:10:58,783 --> 00:11:01,244
Like, I don't believe
in the South.
253
00:11:02,954 --> 00:11:05,457
Everyone thinks
that's where there's
254
00:11:05,540 --> 00:11:06,624
a different point of view.
255
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:09,586
No, the South is 25 minutes
256
00:11:09,627 --> 00:11:12,839
from wherever you think
isn't the South.
257
00:11:14,049 --> 00:11:15,592
Like, I had a show
in upstate New York.
258
00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:17,135
I got in this dude's car.
259
00:11:17,218 --> 00:11:20,180
Just MAGA'd out.
260
00:11:20,263 --> 00:11:22,057
I was in the South.
261
00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:28,146
I went north, but I was south.
262
00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:31,649
And I could tell I was scared,
'cause my mom called,
263
00:11:31,733 --> 00:11:34,277
and I didn't want
to speak Arabic on the phone.
264
00:11:34,319 --> 00:11:35,445
Like, I could feel it.
265
00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:36,821
I was acting so weird.
266
00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:38,198
She was like...
[speaking Arabic]
267
00:11:38,281 --> 00:11:40,658
And I was like,
"Mother, peace be upon you."
268
00:11:40,742 --> 00:11:44,371
Like, I--and the prophet.
269
00:11:44,454 --> 00:11:46,289
[laughter]
270
00:11:46,331 --> 00:11:47,248
You know which prophet.
271
00:11:47,332 --> 00:11:50,126
Like, don't make me say
which prophet.
272
00:11:50,168 --> 00:11:51,002
The--the one.
273
00:11:51,086 --> 00:11:53,713
The--come on, the last one.
274
00:11:53,797 --> 00:11:55,465
The best one.
275
00:12:00,261 --> 00:12:02,138
It's palpable.
276
00:12:02,180 --> 00:12:07,894
But I don't--I don't like
the pressure on any of us.
277
00:12:07,977 --> 00:12:11,815
And I can feel it coming too,
'cause it's an election year.
278
00:12:11,856 --> 00:12:14,067
I know Biden's gonna call me.
279
00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:16,986
[laughter]
280
00:12:17,028 --> 00:12:18,697
I know he's gonna call me, dude.
281
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:23,451
He--like,
he's getting desperate.
282
00:12:25,370 --> 00:12:27,706
They called me in 2020.
283
00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:31,292
I got a call
from Muhammad at Biden.
284
00:12:33,378 --> 00:12:34,546
Of course, right?
285
00:12:34,629 --> 00:12:36,881
And you know
they think that's clever.
286
00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:37,882
Like, they're at headquarters.
287
00:12:37,966 --> 00:12:39,217
Ben's about to call,
and they go,
288
00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:43,722
"No, no, no, no, no,
let Muhammad do it.
289
00:12:43,805 --> 00:12:46,224
Give him that habibi energy."
290
00:12:48,226 --> 00:12:49,728
I get on the phone
with him right away.
291
00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:51,855
He goes, "Ramy, habibi."
292
00:12:52,856 --> 00:12:54,649
I'm like, "Hey, brother. Uh..."
293
00:12:54,733 --> 00:12:56,901
[sighing]
294
00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:03,033
He goes, "Man,
we're so proud of you, dude.
295
00:13:03,074 --> 00:13:07,162
Everything you've done
for Arab America."
296
00:13:07,245 --> 00:13:09,372
And he said it
like it's a country.
297
00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:13,752
"We love your show.
298
00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:15,462
"Everyone on the campaign
loves it.
299
00:13:15,545 --> 00:13:17,297
I mean, Joe's aware."
300
00:13:19,591 --> 00:13:20,800
That's huge, right?
301
00:13:20,884 --> 00:13:23,511
'Cause Joe has
an awareness issue.
302
00:13:24,596 --> 00:13:25,680
Like, Joe's aware.
303
00:13:25,764 --> 00:13:26,806
That's like
a Nobel Peace Prize.
304
00:13:26,890 --> 00:13:28,558
That's...
[cheers and applause]
305
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,560
No, they're like,
"We said your name.
306
00:13:30,602 --> 00:13:31,644
"Joe was nodding.
307
00:13:31,728 --> 00:13:34,064
"There's cognitive function.
308
00:13:34,105 --> 00:13:36,733
It's really exciting, man."
309
00:13:36,775 --> 00:13:38,026
You ever see Joe
when he's aware,
310
00:13:38,109 --> 00:13:40,945
like when he's
really locked in?
311
00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:42,739
Like, there's some days
when he comes out.
312
00:13:42,781 --> 00:13:44,366
He's, like, thawed.
313
00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:46,159
[laughter]
314
00:13:46,242 --> 00:13:49,913
You can tell they gave him
an extra 10 in the microwave.
315
00:13:49,954 --> 00:13:51,456
He looks good.
And he says stuff.
316
00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:52,707
It's inspiring.
317
00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:54,459
It doesn't mean anything,
but it's just like,
318
00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:56,961
it's America, you know?
319
00:13:57,045 --> 00:14:00,131
He'll be like,
"I ride the train."
320
00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:03,176
Yeah, OK.
321
00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:05,762
Where's it going?
322
00:14:05,804 --> 00:14:06,971
And he's like, "Thanks, folks."
323
00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:09,557
Like, what the fuck?
324
00:14:09,641 --> 00:14:12,644
Where's the train going, Joe?
325
00:14:12,727 --> 00:14:14,270
You never find out.
326
00:14:16,272 --> 00:14:18,483
He can't help it.
327
00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:19,818
I'm not even calling him old.
328
00:14:19,901 --> 00:14:22,821
I don't like making fun
of old people.
329
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:25,365
He's always been like this.
330
00:14:25,448 --> 00:14:29,494
Biden just has crazy
substitute teacher energy.
331
00:14:29,577 --> 00:14:30,620
[laughter]
332
00:14:30,662 --> 00:14:31,663
You can feel it.
333
00:14:31,746 --> 00:14:32,997
Like, he walks into Congress.
334
00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:36,042
The Republicans are
just like, "Gay!"
335
00:14:38,253 --> 00:14:41,923
You're like, "Guys, you can't
say it like that anymore."
336
00:14:42,007 --> 00:14:44,551
But yeah, I mean,
337
00:14:44,634 --> 00:14:46,803
remember we used to say "gay"
in sixth grade?
338
00:14:46,845 --> 00:14:48,513
It did not mean homosexual.
339
00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:51,141
It just meant gay.
340
00:14:51,182 --> 00:14:54,686
And he is sixth grade gay,
for sure.
341
00:14:54,769 --> 00:14:57,689
He's our first gay president.
342
00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:00,275
I think it's beautiful.
343
00:15:00,358 --> 00:15:04,112
It's very beautiful
to see a gay man lead.
344
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:13,747
I hate the way gay people
are being used now too.
345
00:15:13,830 --> 00:15:16,124
They're trying to divide us.
346
00:15:16,207 --> 00:15:18,835
They're using
everyone's identity.
347
00:15:18,877 --> 00:15:21,004
Like, the whole world
has seen, right?
348
00:15:21,046 --> 00:15:23,465
Like, all this bombing
is happening,
349
00:15:23,548 --> 00:15:26,760
and it always boils down
to some random thing
350
00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:30,388
where they'll be like, "Do you
think Hamas likes gay people?"
351
00:15:33,224 --> 00:15:34,893
And my gay friends
don't fall for it.
352
00:15:34,976 --> 00:15:36,269
It--like,
'cause it makes no sense.
353
00:15:36,353 --> 00:15:38,271
It's like, so you think
everyone you're bombing
354
00:15:38,355 --> 00:15:40,357
is just straight?
355
00:15:41,775 --> 00:15:43,026
Like, all of Gaza's straight.
356
00:15:43,068 --> 00:15:46,071
Like, there's not one Gay-zan.
357
00:15:49,407 --> 00:15:52,077
And--and this country doesn't
even care about gay people.
358
00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:53,870
They started caring,
like, three years ago
359
00:15:53,912 --> 00:15:56,164
when trans people
scared them into it.
360
00:15:56,247 --> 00:15:57,374
Half the country was like,
361
00:15:57,415 --> 00:16:00,043
"Can we just get
regular gay, or..."
362
00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:05,590
We miss them.
363
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,511
I don't fall for any of it.
364
00:16:09,594 --> 00:16:11,471
They love dividing us.
365
00:16:11,554 --> 00:16:14,182
Letting us just fight while
they figure out their stuff.
366
00:16:14,265 --> 00:16:16,559
So I have this in my head,
367
00:16:16,601 --> 00:16:18,603
as Muhammad's pitching me.
368
00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:22,023
He goes, "Ramy, dude,
we're looking at this map.
369
00:16:22,107 --> 00:16:25,110
"It's a crazy map, brother.
370
00:16:25,193 --> 00:16:26,903
"We've got all these
battleground states.
371
00:16:26,945 --> 00:16:28,905
"We don't know which ones
we're gonna win,
372
00:16:28,947 --> 00:16:32,617
"but we've realized
if we can win just one,
373
00:16:32,701 --> 00:16:34,035
"we'll get the whole country.
374
00:16:34,119 --> 00:16:37,497
"The only state we need--
375
00:16:37,580 --> 00:16:39,791
"Michigan.
376
00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:42,585
Arab America."
377
00:16:44,087 --> 00:16:46,423
He goes, "Ramy, go to Michigan.
378
00:16:46,464 --> 00:16:49,676
"Tell the Arabs
to vote for Joe.
379
00:16:49,759 --> 00:16:53,555
You could change the course
of American history."
380
00:16:53,638 --> 00:16:56,099
And our country's so fucked up
that for five minutes,
381
00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:59,477
I was like, "Is it up to me?"
382
00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:03,189
Like, am I the guy?
383
00:17:03,273 --> 00:17:06,151
Like, I started imagining it.
384
00:17:06,234 --> 00:17:08,194
Like, I'm in Dearborn.
385
00:17:08,278 --> 00:17:11,114
I'm courting the Arabs.
386
00:17:11,156 --> 00:17:14,409
I'm at every vape shop.
387
00:17:14,492 --> 00:17:19,080
I'm just like,
"Bro, bro... Joe, Joe."
388
00:17:24,794 --> 00:17:26,463
I couldn't do it.
389
00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:27,964
I couldn't do it, man.
390
00:17:28,006 --> 00:17:31,718
Nah. We're--I'm done.
391
00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:33,928
I don't like him.
392
00:17:34,012 --> 00:17:35,347
I can't do it.
393
00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:37,515
And--and--and I'm not saying
that I want Trump.
394
00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:38,683
I--I'm not.
395
00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:43,229
I don't like being forced
to pick between the two.
396
00:17:43,313 --> 00:17:46,858
But I'm watching my uncle
go full Republican.
397
00:17:46,941 --> 00:17:49,778
We--you know?
Like, I'm seeing it.
398
00:17:49,861 --> 00:17:51,363
He likes that
they're religious.
399
00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:53,490
My uncle cares a lot
about religion.
400
00:17:53,531 --> 00:17:55,909
Like, he doesn't pray
or follow anything, but it--
401
00:17:55,992 --> 00:17:57,202
[laughter]
402
00:17:57,285 --> 00:17:59,829
It means a lot to him.
403
00:17:59,871 --> 00:18:01,289
It's very important.
404
00:18:01,373 --> 00:18:03,124
So you can see him
doing the math.
405
00:18:03,208 --> 00:18:07,212
He's like we're more like them
than we are like they.
406
00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:13,093
What does this
have to do with they?
407
00:18:13,176 --> 00:18:14,219
What does this
408
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:16,054
have to do with they?
409
00:18:16,096 --> 00:18:18,223
Leave they alone.
410
00:18:19,474 --> 00:18:22,060
This isn't about any of that.
411
00:18:22,143 --> 00:18:26,356
It's so clear the lines
that are being drawn.
412
00:18:26,398 --> 00:18:28,108
They're trying to tell me
I'm supposed to have
413
00:18:28,191 --> 00:18:30,360
a problem with Jewish people.
414
00:18:30,402 --> 00:18:31,361
They throw this whole thing--
415
00:18:31,403 --> 00:18:33,113
Muslim-Jewish holy war.
416
00:18:33,196 --> 00:18:35,240
I'm like, I don't know
what you're talking about.
417
00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:37,784
When I grew up,
my best friends were Jewish.
418
00:18:37,867 --> 00:18:38,910
I grew up in a town.
419
00:18:38,993 --> 00:18:41,705
There were two Muslim families,
three Jewish families,
420
00:18:41,746 --> 00:18:44,708
and we were bound by that--
421
00:18:44,749 --> 00:18:46,835
that Christmas-less-ness.
422
00:18:48,253 --> 00:18:49,337
You know that feeling?
423
00:18:49,421 --> 00:18:51,715
You know when
you just know the truth?
424
00:18:54,426 --> 00:18:55,969
Like, everyone's like,
"Santa's coming."
425
00:18:56,052 --> 00:18:57,554
You're like,
"Dude, no, he's not.
426
00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:59,222
"Like, what that fuck?
427
00:18:59,264 --> 00:19:00,890
"That's a capitalist lie.
428
00:19:00,932 --> 00:19:03,435
You're a fucking
corporate pig."
429
00:19:06,396 --> 00:19:09,274
It's so hard not doing
Christmas in this country.
430
00:19:09,357 --> 00:19:13,319
It's like you just don't
get to have an imagination.
431
00:19:13,403 --> 00:19:14,988
It's so hard as a Muslim.
432
00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:17,824
Like, it's the biggest
temptation I have.
433
00:19:21,244 --> 00:19:25,206
Do you have any idea how much
I want a Christmas tree?
434
00:19:25,290 --> 00:19:26,249
But I don't do it.
435
00:19:26,291 --> 00:19:29,252
I don't do it for God.
436
00:19:29,294 --> 00:19:31,087
Any Muslims here
with a Christmas tree?
437
00:19:31,129 --> 00:19:32,422
[cheers and applause]
438
00:19:32,464 --> 00:19:35,633
I don't know how
you explain that to God.
439
00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:38,178
That's a crazy sin.
440
00:19:39,346 --> 00:19:40,722
Like, if you drank
at the bar today,
441
00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:42,057
he'd be like,
"All right, peer pressure."
442
00:19:42,140 --> 00:19:45,727
But you brought a tree
into your house?
443
00:19:46,811 --> 00:19:48,063
That's wild.
444
00:19:48,146 --> 00:19:50,565
Like, that--that messes up
the environment.
445
00:19:53,568 --> 00:19:54,986
There's so many steps to that.
446
00:19:55,028 --> 00:19:57,322
That's a premeditated sin.
447
00:20:02,202 --> 00:20:04,579
No, we never had
Christmas trees.
448
00:20:04,662 --> 00:20:06,289
I didn't.
My Jewish friends didn't.
449
00:20:06,331 --> 00:20:07,457
And--and then,
when I got older,
450
00:20:07,499 --> 00:20:08,833
I loved dating Jewish girls.
451
00:20:08,875 --> 00:20:09,834
I--I did.
452
00:20:09,918 --> 00:20:11,169
I'll be honest.
453
00:20:11,252 --> 00:20:13,546
I don't anymore
'cause I'm married now.
454
00:20:13,630 --> 00:20:15,090
So yeah.
[cheers and applause]
455
00:20:15,173 --> 00:20:16,883
Thank you.
456
00:20:18,343 --> 00:20:21,596
Uh, my wife is
from Saudi Arabia.
457
00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:22,847
[silence]
458
00:20:22,931 --> 00:20:23,932
Yeah.
459
00:20:24,015 --> 00:20:25,100
[cheers and applause]
460
00:20:25,183 --> 00:20:27,102
No, don't--no.
461
00:20:27,185 --> 00:20:28,895
No.
462
00:20:28,978 --> 00:20:30,188
I heard it.
463
00:20:30,230 --> 00:20:31,773
[laughter]
464
00:20:31,856 --> 00:20:34,526
I heard the Saudi silence.
465
00:20:36,444 --> 00:20:37,529
Even the Muslims
in the room are like,
466
00:20:37,612 --> 00:20:40,365
"Why didn't you marry
the--the Jewish girls?"
467
00:20:41,866 --> 00:20:43,410
That--that would have been--
468
00:20:43,493 --> 00:20:44,577
that would have made
more sense, just like,
469
00:20:44,661 --> 00:20:46,913
people of the book,
you know, we're...
470
00:20:49,874 --> 00:20:51,209
It's so crazy too,
471
00:20:51,292 --> 00:20:53,753
'cause her--
her family's so sweet.
472
00:20:53,837 --> 00:20:54,838
They're amazing.
473
00:20:54,879 --> 00:20:56,297
Like, they found out about us.
474
00:20:56,381 --> 00:20:57,382
They came over.
475
00:20:57,424 --> 00:20:58,383
Her dad had questions for me.
476
00:20:58,466 --> 00:21:00,635
I had questions for him.
477
00:21:00,719 --> 00:21:02,554
He was like, "What are your
intentions with my daughter?"
478
00:21:02,637 --> 00:21:05,181
I was like, "What happened
to Jamal Khashoggi?"
479
00:21:05,223 --> 00:21:06,224
And...
480
00:21:06,266 --> 00:21:08,059
[laughter]
481
00:21:08,101 --> 00:21:09,060
And he told me.
482
00:21:09,102 --> 00:21:10,145
He told me.
483
00:21:10,228 --> 00:21:11,730
And it's--it's a total
misunderstanding.
484
00:21:11,771 --> 00:21:14,774
Like, it's not even what
you think--what you thought.
485
00:21:20,071 --> 00:21:21,281
OK, if you don't know,
486
00:21:21,364 --> 00:21:23,950
Jamal Khashoggi was
a journalist
487
00:21:24,034 --> 00:21:25,702
who was brutally murdered.
488
00:21:25,744 --> 00:21:27,495
What happened to him
was absolutely inhumane.
489
00:21:27,579 --> 00:21:31,458
And my wife had
nothing to do with it.
490
00:21:33,418 --> 00:21:37,339
And I know,
because I asked her.
491
00:21:38,256 --> 00:21:39,257
I still ask her.
492
00:21:39,299 --> 00:21:41,718
Like, I--I still--
493
00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:42,927
'cause anyone
who's married knows
494
00:21:43,011 --> 00:21:44,846
it takes a really long time
to get to know somebody, right?
495
00:21:44,929 --> 00:21:47,599
It takes an even longer time
to get to know
496
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:51,603
what they know
about Jamal Khashoggi.
497
00:21:53,355 --> 00:21:55,899
And I don't want her,
like, canned answer.
498
00:21:55,940 --> 00:21:57,317
You know, 'cause people
don't talk anymore.
499
00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:59,944
Like, there's just
talking points.
500
00:22:00,028 --> 00:22:01,613
So I try to catch her
when she's vulnerable,
501
00:22:01,654 --> 00:22:05,033
like when I know
she's not gonna be ready.
502
00:22:05,116 --> 00:22:06,368
Really vulnerable moments, right?
503
00:22:06,451 --> 00:22:07,619
Like--like when she's driving.
504
00:22:07,660 --> 00:22:09,829
You know,
it's new for her, and...
505
00:22:11,998 --> 00:22:13,041
It is.
506
00:22:13,124 --> 00:22:14,793
She didn't grow up doing it.
507
00:22:16,336 --> 00:22:17,837
She--she hates merging.
508
00:22:17,921 --> 00:22:19,631
So like, we'll be going on
the highway, and I'll be like,
509
00:22:19,673 --> 00:22:20,674
"What happened to Khashoggi?"
510
00:22:20,757 --> 00:22:21,800
And she's like,
"What the fuck?"
511
00:22:21,883 --> 00:22:22,842
Like...
512
00:22:24,552 --> 00:22:25,553
I'm like, "What is that?
513
00:22:25,637 --> 00:22:27,806
Is that--you know something,
or is that the merge?"
514
00:22:31,142 --> 00:22:32,811
Or like, middle of the night.
515
00:22:32,894 --> 00:22:34,771
You know, you're, like,
cuddling with your girl.
516
00:22:34,813 --> 00:22:36,314
You just, like,
get up in her ear,
517
00:22:36,398 --> 00:22:38,983
and I'm just like,
"Khashoggi. Tell me the truth.
518
00:22:39,067 --> 00:22:40,902
What happened to Khashoggi?"
519
00:22:42,362 --> 00:22:44,489
"Where's the body?"
520
00:22:44,531 --> 00:22:45,657
Just, like, a little foreplay.
521
00:22:45,740 --> 00:22:46,825
And she's like,
"What are you doing?
522
00:22:46,866 --> 00:22:48,868
What are you doing? Stop.
I don't know anything."
523
00:22:52,997 --> 00:22:54,666
She doesn't know.
524
00:22:54,749 --> 00:22:57,293
And my friends are so scared.
525
00:22:57,335 --> 00:22:58,503
One of my friends was like,
526
00:22:58,586 --> 00:23:00,505
"I can't believe
her family's still there.
527
00:23:00,547 --> 00:23:01,631
"We need to save them.
528
00:23:01,673 --> 00:23:05,010
Let's start a Kickstarter
to get them out."
529
00:23:05,093 --> 00:23:06,302
And I was like, "I mean,
530
00:23:06,344 --> 00:23:08,221
they would donate
more than anybody."
531
00:23:08,304 --> 00:23:13,393
They--they don't need
the money.
532
00:23:14,686 --> 00:23:15,979
But she was like,
"But her mother.
533
00:23:16,021 --> 00:23:18,690
How could she be there
the way they treat women?"
534
00:23:18,732 --> 00:23:21,818
And this was, like,
one month after Roe v. Wade.
535
00:23:21,860 --> 00:23:24,529
Remember when we were just
like, "Wade won"?
536
00:23:27,198 --> 00:23:30,201
And I go to her, "You know
that you can get an abortion
537
00:23:30,285 --> 00:23:34,831
in Saudi anywhere,
the whole country?"
538
00:23:35,999 --> 00:23:37,334
I mean, she started
looking up flights.
539
00:23:37,375 --> 00:23:38,877
Like, she...
540
00:23:41,212 --> 00:23:42,630
Couldn't believe it.
541
00:23:42,714 --> 00:23:44,966
My friends couldn't believe it.
542
00:23:45,842 --> 00:23:49,387
And so when they see her,
it's like, you know, they're--
543
00:23:49,429 --> 00:23:51,681
they're learning something new.
544
00:23:51,723 --> 00:23:53,099
That's what's
beautiful sometimes
545
00:23:53,183 --> 00:23:54,142
about dating someone different.
546
00:23:54,225 --> 00:23:55,560
You learn something new.
547
00:23:55,602 --> 00:23:57,395
So I loved dating Jewish girls,
548
00:23:57,479 --> 00:23:58,938
'cause every time I did,
549
00:23:59,022 --> 00:24:02,901
I was always like,
"Yo, let's solve it tonight."
550
00:24:05,403 --> 00:24:06,488
Like, fuck the UN.
551
00:24:06,571 --> 00:24:07,906
It's you and me.
552
00:24:07,947 --> 00:24:09,240
[laughter]
553
00:24:09,324 --> 00:24:11,785
We can do this.
554
00:24:11,868 --> 00:24:15,246
You ever so horny you're like,
"I could figure out Palestine"?
555
00:24:19,042 --> 00:24:20,418
I was on a date
with this girl, right?
556
00:24:20,502 --> 00:24:21,461
We go to her house.
557
00:24:21,544 --> 00:24:22,712
She's got roommates.
She told me.
558
00:24:22,754 --> 00:24:24,381
But you know
the roommate house?
559
00:24:24,422 --> 00:24:25,382
You know? You walk in.
560
00:24:25,423 --> 00:24:28,051
There's just shoes.
561
00:24:28,093 --> 00:24:31,721
It's like the shoe section
at the mosque.
562
00:24:31,763 --> 00:24:34,516
It's like, wet flip-flops--
like, everything.
563
00:24:36,434 --> 00:24:37,352
We go in her room.
564
00:24:37,435 --> 00:24:38,395
It's dark.
565
00:24:38,436 --> 00:24:39,437
I can't see anything.
566
00:24:39,521 --> 00:24:41,231
We're in there
for a few minutes.
567
00:24:41,272 --> 00:24:43,775
You know, haram.
568
00:24:48,238 --> 00:24:50,657
She gets up to go
to the bathroom.
569
00:24:50,740 --> 00:24:52,867
As she leaves,
she turns on the light.
570
00:24:52,951 --> 00:24:55,620
This is the first time
I'm seeing the room.
571
00:24:55,704 --> 00:24:58,748
And right in front of me
on the wall
572
00:24:58,790 --> 00:25:02,293
is a huge flag of Israel.
573
00:25:04,087 --> 00:25:06,798
And I'm scared.
574
00:25:09,718 --> 00:25:12,262
The only thing
that would've scared me more
575
00:25:12,303 --> 00:25:15,890
is an American flag.
576
00:25:19,602 --> 00:25:25,316
Can you imagine seeing
an American flag inside?
577
00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:26,401
That's crazy.
578
00:25:26,484 --> 00:25:28,778
That belongs outside.
579
00:25:28,820 --> 00:25:31,531
When it's inside, I go outside.
580
00:25:32,782 --> 00:25:35,118
That flag needs sun and wind.
581
00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:38,788
It can't just be fucking
hanging out under an LED.
582
00:25:38,830 --> 00:25:40,165
Like, no.
583
00:25:42,542 --> 00:25:44,044
I don't want to see
any flag inside.
584
00:25:44,127 --> 00:25:45,420
No country.
585
00:25:45,503 --> 00:25:47,213
The Muslim countries,
they're crazy.
586
00:25:47,297 --> 00:25:48,757
They don't do anything.
587
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:51,176
No, no--like,
unless you're Hispanic.
588
00:25:51,217 --> 00:25:54,554
I--that flag, if I see
any of those, I'm just like,
589
00:25:54,637 --> 00:25:57,015
"I hope your soccer team's
doing well."
590
00:25:58,850 --> 00:26:00,060
I'm really rooting for you.
You know?
591
00:26:00,143 --> 00:26:01,728
Like, I don't even think
they have armies.
592
00:26:01,811 --> 00:26:04,147
I think they just play soccer.
593
00:26:05,190 --> 00:26:06,858
If you win, you get the oil.
594
00:26:06,941 --> 00:26:12,655
Like, that feels like
the stakes when I'm watching.
595
00:26:12,697 --> 00:26:13,948
Like, this must be about oil.
596
00:26:14,032 --> 00:26:18,119
They're way too passionate
about this.
597
00:26:21,039 --> 00:26:22,165
So I'm in there.
598
00:26:23,291 --> 00:26:24,918
I'm looking at this flag.
599
00:26:26,544 --> 00:26:29,839
And I'm horny,
so I'm trying to justify it.
600
00:26:29,881 --> 00:26:31,800
Like, I'm looking at it,
and I'm like, she--
601
00:26:31,883 --> 00:26:33,343
she told me she was Jewish.
602
00:26:33,426 --> 00:26:34,719
This is just--
it's the Star of David.
603
00:26:34,803 --> 00:26:36,179
That's their logo.
604
00:26:38,515 --> 00:26:40,975
It's just Jewish, but big.
605
00:26:44,312 --> 00:26:45,397
Like, what if she doesn't know?
606
00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:46,398
And then I'm like,
she probably knows.
607
00:26:46,481 --> 00:26:48,066
All right.
608
00:26:48,149 --> 00:26:51,277
So I'm like,
OK, when she comes back,
609
00:26:51,361 --> 00:26:52,278
we're gonna talk about it.
610
00:26:52,362 --> 00:26:53,738
And I'm ready.
611
00:26:53,822 --> 00:26:54,781
You know when you know
you're about to get
612
00:26:54,864 --> 00:26:56,032
into that conversation?
613
00:26:56,074 --> 00:26:57,534
Like, you know, like,
I'm always excited.
614
00:26:57,575 --> 00:26:59,077
Like, I want to defend.
615
00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:00,954
And I'm ready, but then
there's this part of my brain
616
00:27:01,037 --> 00:27:07,502
that's like, fuck, like,
I wish I read more, you know?
617
00:27:07,585 --> 00:27:08,753
'Cause I'll always be
in these arguments.
618
00:27:08,795 --> 00:27:10,755
And like, people have facts.
619
00:27:10,797 --> 00:27:13,216
And I just have vibes.
620
00:27:16,511 --> 00:27:17,887
They'll be like,
"In 19--da-da-da-da."
621
00:27:17,929 --> 00:27:21,474
And I'm just like,
"Bro, the vibe is off.
622
00:27:21,558 --> 00:27:22,892
"Like, look at this picture.
623
00:27:22,934 --> 00:27:25,145
Like, what the--what are you
talking about?"
624
00:27:27,564 --> 00:27:30,275
The problem is
I don't know how to read.
625
00:27:30,358 --> 00:27:31,568
I'm not even saying that--
626
00:27:31,609 --> 00:27:33,778
I straight up don't know.
627
00:27:33,862 --> 00:27:36,489
Like, every time I read,
the only thing I can
628
00:27:36,573 --> 00:27:39,701
think about is the fact
that I'm reading.
629
00:27:42,203 --> 00:27:42,954
Do you ever feel that?
630
00:27:43,038 --> 00:27:45,540
Like--like, I'll read a page,
631
00:27:45,623 --> 00:27:48,710
and my brain isn't taking in
the information.
632
00:27:48,793 --> 00:27:51,338
I'm just so proud.
633
00:27:52,881 --> 00:27:54,924
Three pages in,
all I'm thinking is,
634
00:27:55,008 --> 00:27:59,346
"Yo, I read.
635
00:27:59,429 --> 00:28:02,640
"Dude, I'm a book guy.
636
00:28:02,682 --> 00:28:03,683
"Fuck, dude, I'm so smart.
637
00:28:03,767 --> 00:28:04,726
"It's so wild.
638
00:28:04,809 --> 00:28:06,936
"Like, my friends are dumb.
639
00:28:07,020 --> 00:28:08,646
"It's weird.
640
00:28:08,688 --> 00:28:10,607
"They're just on TikTok.
641
00:28:10,648 --> 00:28:12,400
"I read.
642
00:28:12,484 --> 00:28:13,485
"It's wild.
643
00:28:13,568 --> 00:28:14,569
I gotta show them
what I'm doing."
644
00:28:14,652 --> 00:28:16,029
I take out my phone.
645
00:28:16,112 --> 00:28:18,990
I take a picture of, like,
a good paragraph, right?
646
00:28:19,074 --> 00:28:21,576
Page six.
647
00:28:21,659 --> 00:28:22,952
Start sending it
to all the boys.
648
00:28:22,994 --> 00:28:26,164
I'm like, "Boys, time to read.
649
00:28:26,247 --> 00:28:28,500
"We gotta read, dude,
like, it's just--it's--
650
00:28:28,583 --> 00:28:31,002
it's an ancient art form."
651
00:28:32,671 --> 00:28:35,256
And then I fall asleep.
652
00:28:35,340 --> 00:28:36,257
Every single time.
653
00:28:36,341 --> 00:28:37,884
Every single time I read,
I fall asleep
654
00:28:37,967 --> 00:28:41,846
without brushing my teeth,
and I have three cavities,
655
00:28:41,888 --> 00:28:48,728
just unfinished books
sitting in my mouth.
656
00:28:49,938 --> 00:28:52,482
I've--I've never
been able to read.
657
00:28:52,524 --> 00:28:56,152
Biggest lie I ever told
as a kid was about reading.
658
00:28:56,194 --> 00:28:59,989
You know that lie you tell
that, like, makes you a liar?
659
00:29:01,866 --> 00:29:02,909
I'll--I'll never forget this.
660
00:29:02,992 --> 00:29:05,370
I--we had a book report.
661
00:29:05,453 --> 00:29:07,747
I picked "Gandhi."
662
00:29:07,831 --> 00:29:09,791
Big.
It was, like, a 450-page book.
663
00:29:09,874 --> 00:29:11,751
Even the teacher was like,
"Dude, I don't--
664
00:29:11,835 --> 00:29:14,004
I don't think you can do this."
665
00:29:15,672 --> 00:29:21,177
I had a month to read
and write the thing.
666
00:29:21,219 --> 00:29:26,182
I started reading the book
the night before it's due.
667
00:29:26,266 --> 00:29:27,267
And I think I can do it.
668
00:29:27,350 --> 00:29:28,476
You know that--that--
669
00:29:28,560 --> 00:29:29,686
like, you get home at 3:00.
670
00:29:29,728 --> 00:29:31,563
You're like, "I got this."
671
00:29:31,646 --> 00:29:33,565
6:00 p.m., you're like,
"No problem."
672
00:29:33,606 --> 00:29:34,941
8:00, fine.
673
00:29:35,025 --> 00:29:37,861
The second it hits 10:00 p.m.,
double digits,
674
00:29:37,902 --> 00:29:41,322
the walls start closing in.
675
00:29:41,406 --> 00:29:42,699
And I'm panicking.
676
00:29:42,741 --> 00:29:45,410
And I'm like,
"Fuck, I needed a month."
677
00:29:46,995 --> 00:29:48,538
So I had the first
few pages, right?
678
00:29:48,580 --> 00:29:49,664
They're me.
Like, I wrote them.
679
00:29:49,748 --> 00:29:51,332
They're mine.
680
00:29:51,416 --> 00:29:52,417
In my mind, I'm like,
"Yo, there's no way
681
00:29:52,500 --> 00:29:54,753
"this teacher is gonna, like,
read this whole thing.
682
00:29:54,794 --> 00:29:56,254
"He's got so many students.
683
00:29:56,338 --> 00:29:58,757
"He's just gonna figure out
what's going on up top,
684
00:29:58,798 --> 00:30:00,759
"so I'll just make it long,
685
00:30:00,842 --> 00:30:02,052
and then he won't know."
686
00:30:02,093 --> 00:30:05,764
So I start violently
copy-pasting
687
00:30:05,847 --> 00:30:06,806
from all over the internet.
688
00:30:06,890 --> 00:30:07,932
I mean, it's crazy.
689
00:30:07,974 --> 00:30:10,143
Some of these paragraphs
have links.
690
00:30:11,644 --> 00:30:15,357
One of them ends with, "Buy
at Barnes and Noble today."
691
00:30:18,276 --> 00:30:19,486
But I make it big.
692
00:30:19,569 --> 00:30:20,612
And then I put it
in the plastic.
693
00:30:20,695 --> 00:30:22,489
Remember the plastic binding?
694
00:30:22,572 --> 00:30:23,948
Yo, I walk in the next day.
695
00:30:23,990 --> 00:30:25,658
I'm looking at
all these reports.
696
00:30:25,742 --> 00:30:28,328
Nobody's got plastic.
697
00:30:28,411 --> 00:30:29,371
I start talking shit.
698
00:30:29,454 --> 00:30:30,288
I'm like, "This is crazy.
699
00:30:30,372 --> 00:30:33,625
Look at all these
naked book reports."
700
00:30:33,667 --> 00:30:34,626
I hand mine to the teacher.
701
00:30:34,709 --> 00:30:35,627
I'm like, "Check this out.
702
00:30:35,710 --> 00:30:36,670
"Look, I put a--look,
703
00:30:36,753 --> 00:30:38,338
I put a little hijab on it."
704
00:30:40,340 --> 00:30:43,134
Look how modest
and beautiful this is.
705
00:30:45,470 --> 00:30:47,889
The second I hand it in,
706
00:30:47,972 --> 00:30:50,100
the paranoia sets in, right?
707
00:30:50,141 --> 00:30:52,018
I'm like,
"Yo, I'm gonna get caught.
708
00:30:52,102 --> 00:30:53,645
My parents are gonna find out."
709
00:30:53,687 --> 00:30:56,022
This is a very real fear.
710
00:30:56,106 --> 00:30:59,275
And there's a stereotype
that immigrant parents
711
00:30:59,317 --> 00:31:03,655
are hard on their kids
and their grades.
712
00:31:03,697 --> 00:31:04,656
You know it.
713
00:31:04,698 --> 00:31:05,699
You feel it.
714
00:31:05,782 --> 00:31:08,159
But--but it--they should be,
715
00:31:08,201 --> 00:31:10,161
because think about
what they gave up.
716
00:31:10,203 --> 00:31:14,541
My dad sees his mother
every five years
717
00:31:14,624 --> 00:31:18,837
so that I can get
a better education than he did.
718
00:31:18,920 --> 00:31:23,341
And I refuse to be educated.
719
00:31:23,425 --> 00:31:25,010
[laughter]
720
00:31:25,051 --> 00:31:28,847
Like, I want to be dumb.
721
00:31:28,930 --> 00:31:31,725
And the way this guy works,
he works so hard.
722
00:31:31,808 --> 00:31:33,685
I feel for my dad, man.
723
00:31:33,727 --> 00:31:36,855
We get home that day.
724
00:31:36,896 --> 00:31:38,231
I'm sitting there.
725
00:31:38,314 --> 00:31:40,692
We're eating dinner
in silence, right?
726
00:31:40,734 --> 00:31:42,110
Always.
727
00:31:42,193 --> 00:31:45,030
He never--he--
he can't talk after work.
728
00:31:45,113 --> 00:31:46,865
You see that--
that look on your dad?
729
00:31:46,948 --> 00:31:48,867
It's like his forehead--
it's like,
730
00:31:48,950 --> 00:31:52,120
I feel like if I talk,
he'll die.
731
00:31:55,331 --> 00:31:59,878
Like, if he hears
my shrill voice, he will die.
732
00:31:59,961 --> 00:32:03,590
Not a single word
in the whole meal.
733
00:32:03,673 --> 00:32:05,300
But if there's a guest,
734
00:32:05,383 --> 00:32:09,012
well, now Dad can't
shut the fuck up.
735
00:32:09,054 --> 00:32:11,056
I mean, this could be
a stranger.
736
00:32:11,097 --> 00:32:13,016
A stranger shows up,
all of a sudden,
737
00:32:13,058 --> 00:32:16,311
my dad has a personality.
738
00:32:16,394 --> 00:32:18,730
One time,
we were at Olive Garden.
739
00:32:18,772 --> 00:32:20,106
We're sitting.
We're having our meal.
740
00:32:20,190 --> 00:32:22,567
The waiter comes.
He takes my dad's card.
741
00:32:22,650 --> 00:32:23,735
He looks at it, and he goes,
742
00:32:23,777 --> 00:32:25,195
"Oh, your last name is Youssef.
743
00:32:25,236 --> 00:32:27,113
I have a friend named Youssef."
744
00:32:27,197 --> 00:32:30,492
My dad goes, "Actually,
our real last name is Metwally,
745
00:32:30,575 --> 00:32:32,619
"but we changed it to Youssef
when we came over
746
00:32:32,702 --> 00:32:34,871
because we thought
it would be easier to say."
747
00:32:34,913 --> 00:32:37,415
And I was like, "What?"
748
00:32:41,753 --> 00:32:45,924
I didn't know my name
749
00:32:46,007 --> 00:32:49,803
until Olive Garden.
750
00:32:49,886 --> 00:32:52,722
And my dad's sitting here
telling this guy
751
00:32:52,764 --> 00:32:55,141
stuff about his
immigration story,
752
00:32:55,225 --> 00:32:57,936
uncles I've never heard of,
753
00:32:57,977 --> 00:33:01,690
all to Alex at Olive Garden.
754
00:33:01,773 --> 00:33:03,149
The guy goes
to handle the check.
755
00:33:03,233 --> 00:33:04,818
I go after him, and I say,
756
00:33:04,901 --> 00:33:06,820
"Hey, man, when you get back
to the table,
757
00:33:06,903 --> 00:33:10,281
could you ask my dad
if he likes me?"
758
00:33:11,908 --> 00:33:15,286
He just really seems
to trust you.
759
00:33:15,370 --> 00:33:17,706
Yeah, maybe ask him
what he wants for his birthday.
760
00:33:17,789 --> 00:33:19,958
Uh, he says we're the gift,
761
00:33:20,000 --> 00:33:22,293
but I--I don't think we are.
762
00:33:27,799 --> 00:33:30,927
We're sitting
in silence eating.
763
00:33:30,969 --> 00:33:32,303
The phone rings.
764
00:33:32,387 --> 00:33:34,639
I know.
765
00:33:34,723 --> 00:33:36,474
My dad puts it on speaker.
766
00:33:36,558 --> 00:33:38,643
It's the teacher.
767
00:33:38,727 --> 00:33:41,980
He says, "Sir, I'm sorry
to disrupt your dinner,
768
00:33:42,063 --> 00:33:44,524
"but I'm reading
this book report,
769
00:33:44,607 --> 00:33:47,986
"and it's clear
your son didn't write it.
770
00:33:48,028 --> 00:33:49,529
"Now, I don't want
to upset you,
771
00:33:49,612 --> 00:33:52,157
"so what I like
to offer the parents is,
772
00:33:52,198 --> 00:33:54,534
"why don't you come by,
pick up the report?
773
00:33:54,617 --> 00:33:56,161
"You read it.
774
00:33:56,244 --> 00:33:59,998
"You tell me if
you think he wrote it.
775
00:34:00,040 --> 00:34:02,167
"I'll be here late all week.
776
00:34:02,208 --> 00:34:04,836
I read every single report."
777
00:34:04,919 --> 00:34:06,504
I'm like, "Dude,
what a fucking loser."
778
00:34:06,588 --> 00:34:08,256
Like...
779
00:34:08,340 --> 00:34:11,009
I'm like,
you read every report?
780
00:34:11,051 --> 00:34:14,054
Like, bro, get a wife.
781
00:34:14,137 --> 00:34:15,472
You don't even get paid.
782
00:34:15,513 --> 00:34:19,100
Like, these guys--
like, you work on tips.
783
00:34:20,852 --> 00:34:22,979
I go to my mom.
784
00:34:23,021 --> 00:34:24,439
You try to keep everything
from your parents,
785
00:34:24,522 --> 00:34:27,317
but if something's gotta be--
you go to Mom.
786
00:34:27,359 --> 00:34:29,986
You can work with Mom, right?
787
00:34:30,028 --> 00:34:32,489
Mom's negotiating deals
left and right.
788
00:34:32,572 --> 00:34:33,573
Things are happening.
789
00:34:33,656 --> 00:34:35,867
Curfews are being lifted.
790
00:34:35,950 --> 00:34:38,244
Outfits are being approved.
791
00:34:39,913 --> 00:34:41,081
Dad's at work.
792
00:34:41,164 --> 00:34:42,499
He's got his principles.
793
00:34:42,540 --> 00:34:43,833
He's got his values.
794
00:34:43,875 --> 00:34:44,918
Mom's at home, and she's like,
795
00:34:45,001 --> 00:34:48,088
"I think we could change
a lot of those."
796
00:34:48,171 --> 00:34:50,548
You can work with me.
797
00:34:50,632 --> 00:34:53,927
She would tell me what to say
every single time.
798
00:34:54,010 --> 00:34:55,929
And I would say
exactly what she said.
799
00:34:56,012 --> 00:34:57,889
And when I finished saying it,
she'd go...
800
00:34:57,931 --> 00:34:59,474
[gasps]
801
00:35:05,563 --> 00:35:09,109
Like she'd never heard
any of it before.
802
00:35:09,192 --> 00:35:13,238
Like I was this disgusting
thing they raised.
803
00:35:14,447 --> 00:35:16,282
So she goes,
"When he comes home,
804
00:35:16,366 --> 00:35:17,450
"tell him what's for dinner.
805
00:35:17,534 --> 00:35:19,744
I made all his favorites,"
right?
806
00:35:19,786 --> 00:35:20,662
And I'm--I'm ready.
807
00:35:20,745 --> 00:35:22,539
Like, I'm--I'm--
my dad comes to the door.
808
00:35:22,580 --> 00:35:24,791
I'm like the most nervous
maître d' ever.
809
00:35:24,874 --> 00:35:26,251
I'm like, "Sir, oh, my God,
810
00:35:26,292 --> 00:35:29,254
"we've got
a culinary experience.
811
00:35:29,337 --> 00:35:31,047
"I mean, we're gonna take you
down the Nile.
812
00:35:31,089 --> 00:35:32,549
It's gonna be beautiful."
813
00:35:35,427 --> 00:35:37,637
He goes, "I'm not hungry."
814
00:35:39,431 --> 00:35:42,767
I retreat back to the kitchen.
815
00:35:42,851 --> 00:35:44,728
I tell my mom, he's not hungry.
816
00:35:44,769 --> 00:35:47,147
She says, "That's not good."
817
00:35:51,693 --> 00:35:52,652
We're waiting.
818
00:35:52,736 --> 00:35:54,696
I'm just waiting to die.
819
00:35:57,532 --> 00:35:59,659
I'm like, I hope it's quick.
820
00:35:59,743 --> 00:36:00,744
We believe in halal.
821
00:36:00,785 --> 00:36:02,537
It'll be a clean cut.
822
00:36:05,707 --> 00:36:08,001
Half hour goes by.
823
00:36:08,084 --> 00:36:11,379
I start to peek
out of the kitchen.
824
00:36:11,463 --> 00:36:13,006
I go into the living room,
825
00:36:13,089 --> 00:36:16,760
and I see my dad
in my book report.
826
00:36:16,801 --> 00:36:20,597
But he's actually so close
that I realize
827
00:36:20,638 --> 00:36:25,435
it's, like, open,
and it's on his neck.
828
00:36:25,477 --> 00:36:28,271
It's just going up and down,
and then it hits me.
829
00:36:28,313 --> 00:36:31,691
I'm like, he--he fell asleep.
830
00:36:34,319 --> 00:36:37,489
Like, my dad doesn't know
how to read either.
831
00:36:37,530 --> 00:36:39,240
[laughter]
832
00:36:39,324 --> 00:36:42,285
It's so exciting.
833
00:36:42,327 --> 00:36:44,371
My mom's like, "Yes!
834
00:36:44,454 --> 00:36:46,664
Let's eat upstairs!"
835
00:36:46,706 --> 00:36:49,000
She starts packing up our food
like we're leaving Cuba.
836
00:36:49,084 --> 00:36:50,919
Like, we got bags.
837
00:36:51,002 --> 00:36:54,339
We're taking bags
from the kitchen.
838
00:36:54,381 --> 00:36:57,050
She hands a plate to my sister
up the stairs.
839
00:36:57,133 --> 00:37:00,220
She turns around,
hands me a fork,
840
00:37:00,303 --> 00:37:02,347
but as she does,
it slips through my fingers,
841
00:37:02,430 --> 00:37:03,848
clangs on the steps.
842
00:37:03,932 --> 00:37:06,226
My dad shoots awake.
843
00:37:06,309 --> 00:37:10,230
You know that feeling
when you see your dad's eyes,
844
00:37:10,313 --> 00:37:13,775
and he's been awoken?
845
00:37:13,858 --> 00:37:17,946
Like, a dad's allowed
to be awake, but not awoken.
846
00:37:20,448 --> 00:37:21,866
It's like, you could see
a raccoon at night,
847
00:37:21,950 --> 00:37:24,536
but not at lunch.
848
00:37:24,577 --> 00:37:25,912
It's sick.
849
00:37:27,539 --> 00:37:28,707
He goes, "Come here."
850
00:37:31,251 --> 00:37:34,713
He says,
"You know what I realized?
851
00:37:34,754 --> 00:37:38,091
"I don't need to judge
this book report
852
00:37:38,174 --> 00:37:42,679
when the only judge is Allah."
853
00:37:42,721 --> 00:37:44,472
[laughter, cheers]
854
00:37:44,556 --> 00:37:46,516
No, and then he goes,
855
00:37:46,558 --> 00:37:51,312
"Swear to God
that you wrote this."
856
00:37:51,396 --> 00:37:54,566
Now, that's cra--
that's hard for me.
857
00:37:55,358 --> 00:37:56,651
I believe in this.
858
00:37:56,735 --> 00:37:59,779
I believe in this now
more than ever.
859
00:37:59,863 --> 00:38:01,322
There has to be an unseen,
860
00:38:01,406 --> 00:38:03,742
because I can't believe in
anything I'm seeing.
861
00:38:03,825 --> 00:38:07,162
The world is so crazy,
there has to be.
862
00:38:07,245 --> 00:38:08,329
So I--I really--
863
00:38:08,413 --> 00:38:09,622
I try not to lie.
864
00:38:09,706 --> 00:38:11,916
I try to be
the best Muslim I can.
865
00:38:12,000 --> 00:38:14,419
I'm trying to hit all five.
866
00:38:14,461 --> 00:38:16,671
You know, we've got--
we got five prayers.
867
00:38:16,755 --> 00:38:18,381
I try to hit them all,
but it's--it's--
868
00:38:18,423 --> 00:38:19,716
it's with the sun.
869
00:38:19,799 --> 00:38:21,760
The schedule is tight.
870
00:38:23,762 --> 00:38:25,388
And sometimes you're out,
and you gotta pray.
871
00:38:25,430 --> 00:38:27,057
And you gotta find a spot,
872
00:38:27,098 --> 00:38:28,558
but you don't want to do it
in front of other people.
873
00:38:28,600 --> 00:38:30,268
You don't want to make them
feel uncomfortable, you know?
874
00:38:30,352 --> 00:38:32,312
So Muslims, we'll--
we'll find places
875
00:38:32,395 --> 00:38:34,105
that are out of the way.
876
00:38:34,189 --> 00:38:39,778
We'll find weird spots like
under a bridge, an alleyway.
877
00:38:39,819 --> 00:38:43,448
Like, we pray
where people do drugs.
878
00:38:43,490 --> 00:38:46,701
You ever, like, kick a needle,
put down a mat?
879
00:38:47,369 --> 00:38:49,537
One time I'm in
an alleyway in Chicago.
880
00:38:49,621 --> 00:38:51,081
I get up off the mat.
881
00:38:51,122 --> 00:38:52,123
I turn around.
882
00:38:52,207 --> 00:38:55,960
There's two dudes
on the mat with me,
883
00:38:56,044 --> 00:38:57,921
on crack,
884
00:38:57,962 --> 00:39:00,757
straight--just straight crack
looking at me.
885
00:39:00,799 --> 00:39:04,594
And they're saying,
"Brother, let's fly to Allah."
886
00:39:04,636 --> 00:39:05,970
This guy starts going up.
887
00:39:06,054 --> 00:39:06,971
He thinks it's a magic carpet.
888
00:39:07,055 --> 00:39:09,265
He's ready.
889
00:39:09,307 --> 00:39:10,266
It was beautiful.
890
00:39:10,308 --> 00:39:11,851
I--I let him lead.
891
00:39:14,479 --> 00:39:16,773
This stuff means so much.
892
00:39:16,815 --> 00:39:19,818
So when your parents use it
against you, it's hard.
893
00:39:19,901 --> 00:39:21,194
And I'm a kid.
894
00:39:21,277 --> 00:39:23,071
And I'm being asked
this scary question.
895
00:39:23,154 --> 00:39:24,364
And when you're a kid,
896
00:39:24,447 --> 00:39:28,159
you're way more afraid
of your dad than God, right?
897
00:39:28,243 --> 00:39:29,411
'Cause what do you learn
about religion?
898
00:39:29,494 --> 00:39:31,871
They're like, God is the most
gracious, most merciful.
899
00:39:31,955 --> 00:39:32,997
Sick.
900
00:39:33,039 --> 00:39:36,167
'Cause this guy is...
901
00:39:36,209 --> 00:39:38,378
like, no merciful.
902
00:39:39,379 --> 00:39:41,256
I mean, there's no mercy.
903
00:39:41,339 --> 00:39:42,549
Yeah, I'm gonna lie.
904
00:39:42,632 --> 00:39:44,592
I'll deal with God later.
905
00:39:46,136 --> 00:39:47,637
I go,
"This is my favorite book.
906
00:39:47,679 --> 00:39:50,390
Best book I ever read."
907
00:39:50,473 --> 00:39:53,685
My dad goes,
"That's all I needed to hear."
908
00:39:53,768 --> 00:39:56,980
Next day, we go to the school.
909
00:39:57,022 --> 00:40:01,359
My dad says the weirdest lie
I've ever heard.
910
00:40:01,401 --> 00:40:03,445
Walks up to the teacher
and goes,
911
00:40:03,528 --> 00:40:08,074
"Sir, this is the most
beautiful book report
912
00:40:08,158 --> 00:40:09,868
"I have ever read.
913
00:40:09,951 --> 00:40:12,328
And I have read many."
914
00:40:12,370 --> 00:40:15,540
[laughter]
915
00:40:16,875 --> 00:40:18,168
And then he goes,
916
00:40:18,209 --> 00:40:20,837
"We love Gandhi."
917
00:40:27,052 --> 00:40:29,012
So many lies.
918
00:40:31,056 --> 00:40:32,182
All 'cause of my lie,
919
00:40:32,223 --> 00:40:36,061
I'm watching these men
just lie.
920
00:40:36,102 --> 00:40:37,979
So much shame.
921
00:40:38,063 --> 00:40:40,648
It was really like--
and it--and it never--
922
00:40:40,732 --> 00:40:42,901
like, I think of all the guilt,
all the shame I felt
923
00:40:42,984 --> 00:40:44,694
in my life for so many
different things,
924
00:40:44,736 --> 00:40:47,072
just the things
we feel as we do things
925
00:40:47,113 --> 00:40:50,450
that we don't want to do
or that challenge who we are.
926
00:40:50,533 --> 00:40:54,954
But all my guilt,
it all started with Gandhi.
927
00:40:57,499 --> 00:41:00,710
And I've never told my dad,
which is hard,
928
00:41:00,752 --> 00:41:04,255
because he's like
my best friend now.
929
00:41:04,297 --> 00:41:05,590
Like, we--we talk about every--
930
00:41:05,632 --> 00:41:06,966
you know when your dad,
just all of a sudden,
931
00:41:07,050 --> 00:41:08,927
is like, "I'm done"?
932
00:41:13,556 --> 00:41:17,769
"Now I just complain
more than you."
933
00:41:20,188 --> 00:41:22,065
I bring him to stuff.
934
00:41:22,107 --> 00:41:23,441
Like, I brought him to this--
935
00:41:23,483 --> 00:41:25,151
this Hollywood thing, you know?
936
00:41:25,235 --> 00:41:27,237
And he put on a suit.
937
00:41:27,278 --> 00:41:29,489
He had a little bow tie.
938
00:41:29,572 --> 00:41:31,616
This person I work with
comes up to him and goes,
939
00:41:31,700 --> 00:41:34,661
"Sir, you should be
so proud of your son.
940
00:41:34,744 --> 00:41:37,080
"He's one of the best writers
that I've ever worked with.
941
00:41:37,122 --> 00:41:39,374
I just love reading his work."
942
00:41:39,416 --> 00:41:41,334
And my dad has the biggest
smile on his face.
943
00:41:41,418 --> 00:41:44,170
And he goes,
"Sir, the thing is,
944
00:41:44,254 --> 00:41:47,632
"Ramy has always been
945
00:41:47,674 --> 00:41:51,636
"such an advanced writer.
946
00:41:51,720 --> 00:41:57,726
"He was so good that
the school couldn't believe...
947
00:41:57,809 --> 00:42:02,480
how well he wrote
about Gandhi."
948
00:42:02,564 --> 00:42:07,527
No, this is my dad's
favorite story about me.
949
00:42:11,656 --> 00:42:13,616
It's--it's--it's...
950
00:42:17,662 --> 00:42:18,747
I have this dream.
951
00:42:18,830 --> 00:42:20,915
It's like a recurring dream
952
00:42:20,999 --> 00:42:22,208
where I'm dead.
953
00:42:23,835 --> 00:42:25,587
It's the day of judgment.
954
00:42:27,213 --> 00:42:30,550
All of what I did on Earth
is getting added up--
955
00:42:30,633 --> 00:42:32,761
the good, the bad.
956
00:42:34,012 --> 00:42:37,557
I'm even, 50/50.
957
00:42:39,517 --> 00:42:41,770
I look up at God.
958
00:42:43,313 --> 00:42:44,898
Gandhi walks in.
959
00:42:44,981 --> 00:42:47,942
[laughter]
960
00:42:48,943 --> 00:42:51,446
[sighs]
961
00:42:51,529 --> 00:42:56,034
God goes, "Tell me
what you know about him."
962
00:42:58,620 --> 00:43:03,208
And I'm like, "Um,
uh, he was non-violent.
963
00:43:03,291 --> 00:43:06,586
"He led a non-violent movement.
964
00:43:06,670 --> 00:43:09,381
"That's all I know.
965
00:43:09,464 --> 00:43:11,549
"Except...
966
00:43:11,591 --> 00:43:14,594
Gandhi hit his wife."
967
00:43:14,678 --> 00:43:16,304
You guys know that?
968
00:43:16,388 --> 00:43:19,057
Yeah, he--I--I skimmed it.
969
00:43:21,309 --> 00:43:22,686
Bad to women.
970
00:43:22,727 --> 00:43:25,605
Bad, weird shit.
971
00:43:25,689 --> 00:43:27,565
So I go, "Gandhi hit his wife!
972
00:43:27,607 --> 00:43:29,859
Why don't we talk about that?"
973
00:43:29,901 --> 00:43:32,362
And God goes,
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
974
00:43:32,404 --> 00:43:37,534
"you can't just shout
feminist things and not read.
975
00:43:37,575 --> 00:43:39,411
This isn't Earth."
976
00:43:39,452 --> 00:43:42,122
[laughter, applause]
977
00:43:42,205 --> 00:43:44,082
And...
978
00:43:48,461 --> 00:43:49,546
At the end of the dream, I--
979
00:43:49,587 --> 00:43:52,090
I--I still go to heaven. I do.
980
00:43:52,132 --> 00:43:55,468
God goes, "You're--
you're a liar, but...
981
00:43:55,552 --> 00:43:56,428
"you never had
a Christmas tree.
982
00:43:56,469 --> 00:43:57,470
Get up there."
983
00:43:57,554 --> 00:44:00,974
That's--that's all
God cares about.
984
00:44:08,273 --> 00:44:09,983
So I could never read, man.
985
00:44:11,818 --> 00:44:14,279
So I'm in this girl's room.
986
00:44:18,491 --> 00:44:19,701
I'm looking at this flag.
987
00:44:19,784 --> 00:44:22,370
I'm thinking about Gandhi,
as I often do.
988
00:44:24,622 --> 00:44:27,334
She comes back.
989
00:44:27,417 --> 00:44:28,710
We start talking about it.
990
00:44:28,793 --> 00:44:30,628
We get into it.
991
00:44:30,712 --> 00:44:32,505
And you know what those
conversations are like.
992
00:44:32,589 --> 00:44:34,299
They're weird,
because at the core,
993
00:44:34,341 --> 00:44:38,303
it feels like everybody wants
the same thing.
994
00:44:38,345 --> 00:44:39,971
Nobody likes violence.
995
00:44:40,055 --> 00:44:41,598
Everyone wants to feel seen.
996
00:44:41,639 --> 00:44:43,058
Everyone wants to feel safe.
997
00:44:43,141 --> 00:44:45,018
But--but there's
too many emotions.
998
00:44:45,101 --> 00:44:46,811
So like, the facts
don't even add up.
999
00:44:46,895 --> 00:44:48,813
It's just such
an emotional conversation,
1000
00:44:48,897 --> 00:44:50,482
'cause everybody has
their programming, right?
1001
00:44:50,523 --> 00:44:51,775
She has her programming.
1002
00:44:51,816 --> 00:44:53,693
I have my programming.
1003
00:44:53,777 --> 00:44:55,695
Mine's right.
1004
00:45:09,084 --> 00:45:11,169
I talk to my therapist
about a lot of this.
1005
00:45:11,252 --> 00:45:12,837
Uh...
1006
00:45:15,298 --> 00:45:18,259
Emotional thoughts
that come to my head.
1007
00:45:19,636 --> 00:45:20,762
I like going to therapy.
1008
00:45:20,845 --> 00:45:23,306
I'm the only one
in my family who does.
1009
00:45:23,348 --> 00:45:24,683
You feel that, you know?
1010
00:45:24,724 --> 00:45:26,768
You ever try talking
to them about it?
1011
00:45:26,851 --> 00:45:28,311
My uncle looks at me
like I'm crazy.
1012
00:45:28,353 --> 00:45:30,855
He makes me think the therapy
I'm doing is stupid,
1013
00:45:30,897 --> 00:45:32,774
the way he phrases it.
1014
00:45:32,857 --> 00:45:36,611
He'll be like,
"Wait, you pay a guy to talk?
1015
00:45:36,695 --> 00:45:37,904
"Talk to me.
1016
00:45:37,987 --> 00:45:39,364
Pay me."
1017
00:45:40,990 --> 00:45:42,200
I'm like, "Yeah,
but I'm talking to him
1018
00:45:42,283 --> 00:45:43,201
because of you."
1019
00:45:43,284 --> 00:45:44,744
Like, that...
1020
00:45:46,037 --> 00:45:48,540
That made him cry.
That made him cry.
1021
00:45:48,623 --> 00:45:50,208
Not 'cause of
the emotional damage.
1022
00:45:50,250 --> 00:45:53,461
He just--he couldn't believe
he created an expense.
1023
00:45:55,797 --> 00:45:58,049
He was like,
"I cost you money?"
1024
00:46:01,511 --> 00:46:02,637
Tried to get my mom to go.
1025
00:46:02,721 --> 00:46:04,347
I got her to do
the consultation.
1026
00:46:04,389 --> 00:46:07,392
You know, the--the therapist,
just to try it out.
1027
00:46:07,475 --> 00:46:08,435
I'm like, "How'd it go, Mom?"
1028
00:46:08,518 --> 00:46:12,063
She goes,
"She--she was so nosy."
1029
00:46:17,944 --> 00:46:20,363
My dad, he'll call me.
1030
00:46:20,405 --> 00:46:22,991
He'll complain to me
for, like, an hour.
1031
00:46:23,074 --> 00:46:25,076
"This is what
your mother's doing,
1032
00:46:25,118 --> 00:46:27,078
and I can't get her to stop."
1033
00:46:27,162 --> 00:46:28,705
He'll tell me
all his suspicions, you know?
1034
00:46:28,747 --> 00:46:32,792
Like, "The neighbor, he's FBI."
1035
00:46:32,876 --> 00:46:34,794
And then at the end
of the call, sarcastically,
1036
00:46:34,878 --> 00:46:36,796
he'll be like, "I wonder
what your little therapist
1037
00:46:36,880 --> 00:46:38,506
would say about that."
1038
00:46:40,550 --> 00:46:41,760
Then he calls me the next day,
1039
00:46:41,843 --> 00:46:44,888
and he says,
"So what did he say?
1040
00:46:44,929 --> 00:46:46,097
"What's the plan?
1041
00:46:46,181 --> 00:46:49,059
How do I--how do I
talk to your mom?"
1042
00:46:49,100 --> 00:46:53,772
My dad thinks my therapy is
like a Verizon family plan.
1043
00:46:53,813 --> 00:46:56,066
I've got cousins calling.
1044
00:46:56,107 --> 00:46:59,235
My sessions don't even
make sense.
1045
00:46:59,277 --> 00:47:01,696
The therapist is like,
"How's work going?"
1046
00:47:01,780 --> 00:47:02,947
I'm like, "It's good,
1047
00:47:02,989 --> 00:47:05,950
but what do you do
when your children leave?"
1048
00:47:07,619 --> 00:47:08,787
He goes, "You have kids?"
1049
00:47:08,828 --> 00:47:10,163
I'm like,
"Dude, I have menopause.
1050
00:47:10,246 --> 00:47:15,460
"I have shit that
we gotta figure out.
1051
00:47:15,502 --> 00:47:18,129
My mother's body's changing."
1052
00:47:21,549 --> 00:47:23,176
They don't believe in it.
1053
00:47:23,259 --> 00:47:26,137
They don't believe in anything
that costs too much money.
1054
00:47:28,139 --> 00:47:29,391
But weird things too.
1055
00:47:29,474 --> 00:47:32,227
Like, my dad doesn't believe
in homeless people.
1056
00:47:32,310 --> 00:47:33,978
Anyone have that
with their dad?
1057
00:47:34,062 --> 00:47:36,981
Like, he thinks
they're not actually homeless.
1058
00:47:37,023 --> 00:47:38,858
They're all pretending.
1059
00:47:38,942 --> 00:47:39,943
We're walking.
1060
00:47:39,984 --> 00:47:41,361
I try to give this dude money.
1061
00:47:41,444 --> 00:47:42,278
I--I reach.
1062
00:47:42,320 --> 00:47:44,280
My dad grabs my hand,
and he goes,
1063
00:47:44,322 --> 00:47:46,950
"This guy's got more money
than both of us."
1064
00:47:49,160 --> 00:47:50,745
I'm like,
"What are you talking about?"
1065
00:47:50,829 --> 00:47:53,665
He's like,
"He doesn't pay taxes.
1066
00:47:53,748 --> 00:47:55,792
"He keeps everything
in the cup.
1067
00:47:55,834 --> 00:47:57,919
He's an actor like you."
1068
00:48:00,672 --> 00:48:01,798
You should have seen this guy.
1069
00:48:01,840 --> 00:48:04,426
Like, he didn't even have legs.
1070
00:48:04,467 --> 00:48:05,969
My dad's like, "No, no, no.
1071
00:48:06,011 --> 00:48:09,264
He's got more legs
than both of us."
1072
00:48:09,347 --> 00:48:14,019
He's convinced the cardboard
is above a manhole.
1073
00:48:14,060 --> 00:48:15,854
He goes, "We wait.
We wait till midnight.
1074
00:48:15,937 --> 00:48:19,274
"You'll see right at 12:00.
1075
00:48:19,357 --> 00:48:21,943
He starts hopping,
hopping around New York."
1076
00:48:23,653 --> 00:48:25,405
This is why I'm in therapy.
1077
00:48:28,908 --> 00:48:31,077
I go with my wife.
1078
00:48:31,161 --> 00:48:32,954
Anyone go with their partner
to therapy?
1079
00:48:33,038 --> 00:48:34,414
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
1080
00:48:34,497 --> 00:48:35,915
Yeah, a couple. It's...
1081
00:48:35,999 --> 00:48:38,376
[laughter]
1082
00:48:38,418 --> 00:48:40,837
People think it's--
people think it's weird.
1083
00:48:40,879 --> 00:48:43,048
My friends are like--
1084
00:48:43,089 --> 00:48:46,384
like, "Bro, why are you
going so soon?
1085
00:48:46,468 --> 00:48:49,471
"You're supposed to go
later, like--
1086
00:48:49,554 --> 00:48:51,264
like, after you cheat."
1087
00:48:53,767 --> 00:48:56,978
That's why I want to go now.
1088
00:48:57,062 --> 00:49:00,357
I want to--I want to know
how to do it.
1089
00:49:00,398 --> 00:49:01,816
'Cause you see people
get in fights, right?
1090
00:49:01,858 --> 00:49:04,069
They--they don't talk
for, like, four days.
1091
00:49:04,110 --> 00:49:05,278
And then just on the fifth day,
1092
00:49:05,362 --> 00:49:07,238
they start talking
to each other.
1093
00:49:07,280 --> 00:49:09,324
It's--and I don't want
to lose those days.
1094
00:49:09,407 --> 00:49:10,575
I was like,
what if those four days
1095
00:49:10,658 --> 00:49:11,785
could just be like four hours?
1096
00:49:11,868 --> 00:49:13,536
What if they could be
four minutes
1097
00:49:13,578 --> 00:49:15,622
'cause I know how to be?
1098
00:49:15,705 --> 00:49:17,082
So we go together.
1099
00:49:17,165 --> 00:49:19,084
And it's great,
'cause we get all these tools.
1100
00:49:19,167 --> 00:49:21,086
The therapist is like,
"I'm giving you tools
1101
00:49:21,127 --> 00:49:23,588
'cause you're working
on the relationship."
1102
00:49:23,672 --> 00:49:25,590
So we got this toolbox.
1103
00:49:29,928 --> 00:49:31,596
So I'm sitting.
1104
00:49:31,638 --> 00:49:32,597
I'm on my phone.
1105
00:49:32,681 --> 00:49:33,598
I look up at my wife.
1106
00:49:33,640 --> 00:49:34,766
She looks upset.
1107
00:49:34,849 --> 00:49:36,935
So I go, let me check in.
1108
00:49:36,976 --> 00:49:38,436
It's a tool.
1109
00:49:41,940 --> 00:49:44,776
I go, "Hey, are you OK?"
1110
00:49:44,818 --> 00:49:48,363
She goes, "Yeah, I'm fine."
1111
00:49:49,447 --> 00:49:50,990
All right, sick.
1112
00:49:53,034 --> 00:49:54,119
And I go back to my phone.
1113
00:49:54,202 --> 00:49:56,454
Like, I did
what I needed to do.
1114
00:49:57,956 --> 00:49:59,624
I'm on my phone
for, like, three more hours.
1115
00:49:59,666 --> 00:50:03,420
And then--and then I look up,
1116
00:50:03,461 --> 00:50:07,298
and she's still--
she looks upset.
1117
00:50:08,800 --> 00:50:09,968
And I go,
let me check in again.
1118
00:50:10,051 --> 00:50:12,512
I go, "Hey, are you--
1119
00:50:12,595 --> 00:50:14,472
are you sure you're OK?"
1120
00:50:14,514 --> 00:50:18,184
And she goes,
"Ramy, I've never been better."
1121
00:50:21,062 --> 00:50:23,940
I'm like, "Fuck, all right.
I'm cooked."
1122
00:50:23,982 --> 00:50:24,941
There's no tool for that.
1123
00:50:24,983 --> 00:50:26,484
Like, that's bad.
1124
00:50:26,568 --> 00:50:27,318
That's bad, right?
1125
00:50:27,402 --> 00:50:28,653
Next day, we've got therapy.
1126
00:50:28,695 --> 00:50:30,822
It's court.
1127
00:50:30,864 --> 00:50:31,990
Everything's laid out.
1128
00:50:32,073 --> 00:50:34,242
She's got evidence, events,
1129
00:50:34,325 --> 00:50:36,745
all the stuff that's happened,
all laid out, right?
1130
00:50:36,828 --> 00:50:39,205
Now I gotta--I'm--I'm upset,
1131
00:50:39,289 --> 00:50:40,999
'cause I go, "Why are you
bringing this up now?
1132
00:50:41,041 --> 00:50:42,667
"I checked in.
1133
00:50:42,709 --> 00:50:43,918
You said you were fine."
1134
00:50:44,002 --> 00:50:46,087
And she goes,
"No, no, no, no, no.
1135
00:50:46,171 --> 00:50:50,633
"You only noticed me
when I got angry.
1136
00:50:50,675 --> 00:50:53,720
"I spent the whole week
trying to talk to you.
1137
00:50:53,803 --> 00:50:55,013
"I tried to say something here.
1138
00:50:55,096 --> 00:50:56,348
"I tried to say
something here.
1139
00:50:56,389 --> 00:50:58,183
"Every single time,
you were too busy,
1140
00:50:58,224 --> 00:50:59,726
"or you were tired.
1141
00:50:59,809 --> 00:51:02,812
You only noticed
when I got angry."
1142
00:51:04,647 --> 00:51:08,276
And I was just like, whoa.
1143
00:51:09,611 --> 00:51:10,862
This is a lot, you know?
1144
00:51:10,904 --> 00:51:13,198
Like, this feels--
1145
00:51:13,239 --> 00:51:16,326
I feel very misunderstood.
1146
00:51:16,368 --> 00:51:20,038
All these events
have been misinterpreted.
1147
00:51:20,080 --> 00:51:22,207
Here, I didn't mean
to blow you off.
1148
00:51:22,248 --> 00:51:25,085
Here, I was actually scared.
1149
00:51:27,504 --> 00:51:29,214
I explain every single thing, right?
1150
00:51:29,297 --> 00:51:30,632
And I'm going long.
1151
00:51:30,715 --> 00:51:31,966
Like, I'm going 45.
1152
00:51:32,050 --> 00:51:34,219
I'm eating the whole session, right?
1153
00:51:34,260 --> 00:51:35,387
'Cause I gotta defend my life.
1154
00:51:35,470 --> 00:51:38,056
I'm gonna take all the time.
1155
00:51:38,139 --> 00:51:40,225
And then at the end of it,
she goes,
1156
00:51:40,308 --> 00:51:42,519
"You never told me
any of that."
1157
00:51:42,560 --> 00:51:44,145
And I'm like,
"Yeah, I don't know."
1158
00:51:44,187 --> 00:51:47,232
And she goes, "No, no, no,
you never express yourself.
1159
00:51:47,315 --> 00:51:53,029
You never show me the real you
unless he's here."
1160
00:51:53,071 --> 00:51:55,907
And I look at the therapist,
and I'm like,
1161
00:51:55,990 --> 00:51:57,867
"Oh, my God, this is--
1162
00:51:57,909 --> 00:52:00,078
it's Alex from Olive Garden."
1163
00:52:00,120 --> 00:52:03,081
[laughter]
1164
00:52:03,164 --> 00:52:06,626
[cheers and applause]
1165
00:52:06,710 --> 00:52:09,796
Like, I'm my father.
1166
00:52:09,879 --> 00:52:12,465
I can only speak if there's
a white guy in the room.
1167
00:52:12,549 --> 00:52:16,594
Like, I--I think
that's colonialism.
1168
00:52:24,769 --> 00:52:27,689
So you know...
1169
00:52:27,772 --> 00:52:30,650
we start from here.
1170
00:52:30,734 --> 00:52:33,653
[dramatic music]
1171
00:52:33,737 --> 00:52:37,615
♪ ♪
1172
00:52:37,699 --> 00:52:40,118
Thank you for sharing
this space.
1173
00:52:40,201 --> 00:52:43,121
It--it--it almost
feels impossible
1174
00:52:43,204 --> 00:52:45,123
to laugh these days.
1175
00:52:45,165 --> 00:52:46,624
So to have this with you
means a lot.
1176
00:52:46,708 --> 00:52:50,295
And please just pray
however you pray.
1177
00:52:50,378 --> 00:52:53,048
I--Muslim, Jewish, it's like--
1178
00:52:53,131 --> 00:52:54,424
you don't understand
how much I don't care.
1179
00:52:54,466 --> 00:52:57,218
Like, last week--last week,
1180
00:52:57,302 --> 00:53:00,472
I was on a Zoom
with three witches.
1181
00:53:00,513 --> 00:53:01,556
[laughter]
1182
00:53:01,639 --> 00:53:02,974
I'm just like,
"Ladies, let's go.
1183
00:53:03,016 --> 00:53:04,017
"We need some spells.
1184
00:53:04,100 --> 00:53:08,646
"Like, fucking potions
for Palestine.
1185
00:53:08,730 --> 00:53:10,648
Whatever you've got."
1186
00:53:10,732 --> 00:53:12,150
[cheers and applause]
1187
00:53:12,192 --> 00:53:13,818
We need it.
1188
00:53:15,445 --> 00:53:16,321
And thank you for this.
1189
00:53:16,404 --> 00:53:17,739
Thank you, New Jersey.
1190
00:53:17,822 --> 00:53:19,199
Thank you,
New Jersey.
1191
00:53:19,282 --> 00:53:21,743
I love you, New Jersey.
Thank you.
1192
00:53:21,826 --> 00:53:23,286
You guys are amazing.
1193
00:53:23,328 --> 00:53:24,371
This means a lot.
1194
00:53:24,454 --> 00:53:26,706
Thank you. Thank you.
1195
00:53:30,126 --> 00:53:31,419
Thank you.
1196
00:53:31,503 --> 00:53:34,589
[cheers and applause]
1197
00:53:34,673 --> 00:53:41,638
♪ ♪
1198
00:54:21,011 --> 00:54:22,971
[bright tone]