1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
3
00:00:53,136 --> 00:00:58,767
Ladies and gentlemen, Red Ollero!
4
00:01:18,870 --> 00:01:21,831
Wow, thank you so much.
5
00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:26,669
A few years ago,
I found it difficult to fill the theater.
6
00:01:26,753 --> 00:01:29,964
Now, I think this weekend,
we filled up three shows.
7
00:01:30,048 --> 00:01:31,508
Man! So, thank you.
8
00:01:32,509 --> 00:01:33,343
Wow.
9
00:01:34,511 --> 00:01:36,554
I'm in that awkward part of my career.
10
00:01:36,638 --> 00:01:39,641
Feels like I'm rising, but no,
and then, you know…
11
00:01:39,724 --> 00:01:42,060
It's not almost famous.
12
00:01:42,143 --> 00:01:44,938
I'd like to call it "uncertainly famous."
13
00:01:45,563 --> 00:01:47,357
Do you get it? Uncertain.
14
00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:50,360
"Uncertainly famous."
Like, he's famous but…
15
00:01:50,985 --> 00:01:55,073
Like the type of famous that
you still need to explain to your peers.
16
00:01:57,408 --> 00:01:59,244
If you're uncertainly famous,
17
00:01:59,327 --> 00:02:02,997
there are a lot of things happening
that are difficult to react to.
18
00:02:03,081 --> 00:02:07,168
Like, when you're walking in the mall,
and you come across someone, like…
19
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:19,931
Ben&Ben.
20
00:02:25,436 --> 00:02:27,897
That's it. Really. Ben&Ben.
21
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:29,858
I'm often mistaken for a member of Ben&Ben
22
00:02:29,941 --> 00:02:33,820
because for a long time,
he was the famous fat person.
23
00:02:33,903 --> 00:02:35,780
The fat one in Ben&Ben.
24
00:02:35,864 --> 00:02:38,825
You don't know why, do you?
You don't know the rule?
25
00:02:39,492 --> 00:02:42,704
Really? Wow. Okay. I'll explain it to you.
26
00:02:42,787 --> 00:02:45,623
In Philippine showbiz,
there's an unwritten rule
27
00:02:45,707 --> 00:02:50,170
that only one fat person
is allowed to be famous at a time.
28
00:02:51,504 --> 00:02:55,008
No two famous fat celebrities.
Never happened in history.
29
00:02:55,091 --> 00:02:59,179
Only one fat person is assigned on top.
30
00:02:59,262 --> 00:03:00,555
Then, recently,
31
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:03,766
the fat one in Ben&Ben lost weight.
32
00:03:04,309 --> 00:03:06,144
He lost weight.
33
00:03:06,227 --> 00:03:08,146
So he isn't qualified anymore.
34
00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:10,773
Yes. He's not qualified anymore.
35
00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:13,276
We've already kicked him out
of our group chat.
36
00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:17,322
We have a "Fat Celebrities" group chat.
37
00:03:17,405 --> 00:03:20,783
We kicked him out right away.
"Damn, your BMI is normal now."
38
00:03:22,493 --> 00:03:24,329
"What's your blood pressure, huh?"
39
00:03:25,413 --> 00:03:26,873
"Why is it normal?"
40
00:03:26,956 --> 00:03:28,958
So, we kicked him out.
41
00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:30,376
Now, there's a void.
42
00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:33,171
A power vacuum is happening.
43
00:03:33,254 --> 00:03:36,633
There's a power struggle
between me and Ninong Ry.
44
00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:38,885
Right?
45
00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:43,306
And honestly,
46
00:03:44,140 --> 00:03:48,978
I don't know about you, but I think
the next bona fide fat celebrity
47
00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:50,230
should be me.
48
00:03:51,022 --> 00:03:52,523
Right? Are you not…
49
00:03:52,607 --> 00:03:54,692
No. It's like you were forced!
50
00:03:56,194 --> 00:03:57,695
Like you were forced!
51
00:03:57,779 --> 00:03:59,572
I will convince you.
52
00:03:59,656 --> 00:04:02,367
I don't want to force you, okay?
Because I…
53
00:04:02,450 --> 00:04:06,246
All the famous fat people before,
54
00:04:06,329 --> 00:04:09,499
their celebrity status was fat-adjacent.
55
00:04:10,124 --> 00:04:12,001
Do you get it? Fat-adjacent.
56
00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:15,046
They were only famous
because of their fatness, right?
57
00:04:15,129 --> 00:04:16,464
Like Monty.
58
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:18,299
What's his band's name?
59
00:04:18,383 --> 00:04:21,135
"What's your band name, Monty?"
"Mayonnaise!"
60
00:04:22,553 --> 00:04:25,181
Right? Jun Sabayton,
he's just famous because he's naked,
61
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,642
never has a T-shirt on.
62
00:04:27,725 --> 00:04:29,686
Everyone can see his fatness.
63
00:04:29,769 --> 00:04:31,062
That's just my Wednesday!
64
00:04:33,022 --> 00:04:34,232
I do that every day.
65
00:04:34,315 --> 00:04:36,818
That's like a typical day
for us fat people, right?
66
00:04:36,901 --> 00:04:39,279
"Let's cook crispy pata."
67
00:04:39,362 --> 00:04:42,448
"Let's cook crispy pork blood stew."
68
00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:44,701
"Crispy kare-kare." Right?
69
00:04:44,784 --> 00:04:46,786
My God. I do that every day.
70
00:04:46,869 --> 00:04:49,038
Then I'll eat. Wow, okay.
71
00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:52,458
They don't bring anything new
to the table.
72
00:04:53,042 --> 00:04:55,878
Right? It's all fat-adjacent stuff.
73
00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:57,588
Always…
74
00:04:59,882 --> 00:05:01,509
"I'm full!"
75
00:05:01,592 --> 00:05:02,844
Always like that.
76
00:05:02,927 --> 00:05:04,679
Me, dude. Look at it.
77
00:05:04,762 --> 00:05:07,515
Look at the fucking swag, dude.
78
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:14,439
Dude, I am proving that
when you're fat, you can wear color.
79
00:05:15,064 --> 00:05:16,858
With color. Who has, right?
80
00:05:16,941 --> 00:05:19,652
Before me, fat people only wore black.
81
00:05:20,653 --> 00:05:22,071
Now I see,
82
00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:26,034
in the shows, there are fat people
wearing colored clothes.
83
00:05:26,117 --> 00:05:28,286
Turns out, we're gaining confidence.
84
00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:32,332
Last show,
I saw someone fat wearing purple!
85
00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:35,918
A fat person wearing purple!
86
00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:39,297
Do you know how hard it is to be fat
87
00:05:39,964 --> 00:05:41,591
and wear purple?
88
00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:46,179
Wear purple, and the moment
you leave your house, "Grimace!"
89
00:05:47,638 --> 00:05:50,725
Right? Like that.
But he's got confidence now.
90
00:05:50,808 --> 00:05:52,852
'Cause I break borders, man. Look here.
91
00:05:52,935 --> 00:05:56,481
Look at this bespoke custom kimono jacket
92
00:05:56,564 --> 00:05:58,983
by Wear Amu that I'm wearing.
93
00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:01,194
You can see the back side with the custom…
94
00:06:03,571 --> 00:06:04,697
embroidery.
95
00:06:06,908 --> 00:06:10,912
Right? I'm wearing Jordans, man. You know?
96
00:06:10,995 --> 00:06:12,246
That's really it, right?
97
00:06:12,330 --> 00:06:16,751
I'm proving to everyone
that fatness has value.
98
00:06:16,834 --> 00:06:17,668
Not only in…
99
00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:19,837
You know?
100
00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:20,963
Right? I have…
101
00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:23,925
Every show, I show everyone
102
00:06:24,008 --> 00:06:27,929
that fatness has value
in history and society.
103
00:06:28,012 --> 00:06:30,973
Fat people have lots to contribute.
You just don't know it.
104
00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:34,977
You're not aware, are you?
See, a lot of skinny people here…
105
00:06:35,478 --> 00:06:39,232
You're biased about history.
You think skinny people run the world? No.
106
00:06:39,315 --> 00:06:43,820
We invented a lot of things
that you just take for granted, man.
107
00:06:43,903 --> 00:06:47,198
Fat people have invented a lot.
I didn't research, just crossed my mind.
108
00:06:47,281 --> 00:06:50,660
I mean,
research is not necessary nowadays, right?
109
00:06:51,786 --> 00:06:54,664
But listen. It's plausible. Okay?
110
00:06:55,748 --> 00:06:59,961
I think that the person
who invented the escalator was fat.
111
00:07:01,712 --> 00:07:06,426
You think someone skinny
invented the escalator?
112
00:07:06,509 --> 00:07:09,554
A skinny person invented
the automatic staircase?
113
00:07:10,179 --> 00:07:12,265
You have no problem with stairs, right?
114
00:07:12,348 --> 00:07:16,644
It is pain and suffering
that breeds innovation, man.
115
00:07:17,311 --> 00:07:19,355
I think, at some point in history,
116
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:23,401
there was a fat engineer
walking to the fifth floor.
117
00:07:24,026 --> 00:07:26,904
That's the threshold of obesity.
Did you know?
118
00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:29,115
Fourth floor, that's our maximum.
119
00:07:29,198 --> 00:07:32,618
At the fifth floor, it's like,
"Oh, shit. I'm going to die."
120
00:07:33,119 --> 00:07:34,078
Yes, like that.
121
00:07:34,162 --> 00:07:36,622
So he goes up to the fifth floor, right?
122
00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:39,500
"It's really tiring."
123
00:07:39,584 --> 00:07:44,297
"One day, I'll make stairs
that go up on their own."
124
00:07:45,006 --> 00:07:47,675
And the escalator was invented.
125
00:07:47,758 --> 00:07:52,180
So let's give thanks
to Paul Thomas Escalator.
126
00:07:53,389 --> 00:07:55,016
The inventor of… This is true.
127
00:07:55,099 --> 00:07:56,392
Check it on TikTok.
128
00:07:59,812 --> 00:08:01,314
All the facts are there.
129
00:08:02,815 --> 00:08:05,443
Right? For real. You can check it.
130
00:08:05,526 --> 00:08:07,904
What else did fat people invent?
You don't know.
131
00:08:07,987 --> 00:08:12,033
Fucking skinny people. You only accept
mainstream skinny propaganda.
132
00:08:13,284 --> 00:08:14,202
Right?
133
00:08:14,285 --> 00:08:16,704
What else did fat people invent?
The bidet.
134
00:08:17,538 --> 00:08:20,374
You all use bidets. I see, okay.
135
00:08:20,917 --> 00:08:23,002
Your faces show you're bidet users.
136
00:08:23,085 --> 00:08:25,588
Did you know
that the inventor of the bidet was fat?
137
00:08:25,671 --> 00:08:29,050
You think a skinny person invented it?
You can reach your ass.
138
00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:34,138
You can reach everything, right?
"I'm thin. I can reach everything."
139
00:08:34,222 --> 00:08:37,225
Right? What a great life…
140
00:08:39,477 --> 00:08:40,728
you live, skinny people.
141
00:08:40,811 --> 00:08:44,148
You think you guys invented it?
No, the inventor of the bidet was fat.
142
00:08:44,232 --> 00:08:47,735
Someone, for sure, sat down,
he must have been an inventor, right?
143
00:08:47,818 --> 00:08:49,153
Couldn't wash his ass,
144
00:08:49,237 --> 00:08:52,532
"I can't reach my ass anymore
because I eat too much!"
145
00:08:52,615 --> 00:08:56,160
"You know, maybe I can invent
a hose or spray,
146
00:08:56,244 --> 00:08:58,246
then spray the shit off my ass."
147
00:08:59,664 --> 00:09:02,333
"Spray the shit off my ass.
No more shit!"
148
00:09:02,416 --> 00:09:04,210
Then, the bidet was invented.
149
00:09:04,293 --> 00:09:06,879
So a round of applause for John Bidet.
150
00:09:10,424 --> 00:09:12,718
This is true. It's on TikTok, I promise.
151
00:09:13,719 --> 00:09:16,681
John Bidet, the inventor
of the bidet. True.
152
00:09:16,764 --> 00:09:18,724
There's a lot more, man. A lot.
153
00:09:18,808 --> 00:09:19,934
The wheelchair.
154
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,396
The wheelchair.
A fat person invented the wheelchair.
155
00:09:24,105 --> 00:09:28,359
Granted, though, the first time
he envisioned the wheelchair,
156
00:09:28,442 --> 00:09:31,946
he just made a chair with wheels
so he wouldn't have to stand.
157
00:09:33,155 --> 00:09:37,660
He was happy, "Guys! I invented it.
No need to stand up to get something!"
158
00:09:37,743 --> 00:09:40,496
"We can sit all the time. We go there."
159
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:41,998
Then other people saw it.
160
00:09:42,081 --> 00:09:45,418
"Hey, that's cool.
It's good for the disabled and injured."
161
00:09:45,501 --> 00:09:46,544
Then he said…
162
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:49,463
"I agree!"
163
00:09:51,716 --> 00:09:54,552
"That's what it's for."
164
00:09:55,469 --> 00:09:57,013
He helped a lot of people.
165
00:09:57,096 --> 00:10:00,057
A round of applause for Wesley Wheelchair.
166
00:10:03,060 --> 00:10:06,606
Some of you are already googling,
"Is this true?" Right?
167
00:10:06,689 --> 00:10:08,983
Maybe you're thinking they're all foreign.
168
00:10:09,066 --> 00:10:11,485
I'm only talking about foreign inventors.
169
00:10:11,569 --> 00:10:13,029
There were also fat Filipinos
170
00:10:13,738 --> 00:10:16,198
who rose above the ranks
and invented beautiful things.
171
00:10:16,282 --> 00:10:21,871
Did you know that a fat Filipino
invented silvanas?
172
00:10:24,206 --> 00:10:27,543
Do you know what silvanas is?
See, some skinny people here are clueless.
173
00:10:28,210 --> 00:10:30,379
I see sadness in your faces.
174
00:10:31,255 --> 00:10:34,925
Because you don't know what silvanas are.
What kind of people are you?
175
00:10:35,009 --> 00:10:36,636
Right? Silvanas. No idea?
176
00:10:36,719 --> 00:10:40,556
Basically, the portable version
of sans rival.
177
00:10:41,807 --> 00:10:45,269
A sans rival that
you can eat on the go, dude.
178
00:10:45,353 --> 00:10:48,939
There's no problem with sans rival.
It's an amazing dessert.
179
00:10:49,023 --> 00:10:52,360
No problem with anything.
Right? It is so beautiful.
180
00:10:52,443 --> 00:10:54,320
Very delicious. No problem.
181
00:10:54,403 --> 00:10:58,532
But why did silvanas have to be invented?
182
00:10:58,616 --> 00:11:00,242
This happened in Dumaguete.
183
00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:03,579
Dumaguete. That is true.
184
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:05,748
That's where sans rival was invented!
185
00:11:05,831 --> 00:11:07,500
You're morons! You didn't know?
186
00:11:10,961 --> 00:11:12,838
You didn't know that?
187
00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:18,344
It's true! That's where sans rival
was invented, right?
188
00:11:18,427 --> 00:11:22,431
So this girl, Bernadette Silvanas.
189
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:23,641
See?
190
00:11:23,724 --> 00:11:25,726
A girl this time, to be inclusive.
191
00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:32,441
Bernadette, a name for a fat person.
You know? It's really…
192
00:11:34,777 --> 00:11:36,862
There's some weight in that name.
193
00:11:38,322 --> 00:11:39,532
Right?
194
00:11:39,615 --> 00:11:42,451
Like, if you're a man,
and your name is Pao Pao…
195
00:11:44,829 --> 00:11:47,415
you're destined to be a whale, you know?
196
00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:52,712
Nobody said, "Pao Pao,
you're good at track and field!" No one.
197
00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:54,588
Never.
198
00:11:54,672 --> 00:11:56,674
Never uttered in history.
199
00:11:56,757 --> 00:12:00,052
It's always,
"Pao Pao, there's unlimited siomai!"
200
00:12:02,221 --> 00:12:03,597
Such things.
201
00:12:03,681 --> 00:12:05,433
"Where?" No.
202
00:12:06,642 --> 00:12:07,476
That's Pao Pao.
203
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:11,147
Have you noticed
that all my fat characters are similar?
204
00:12:11,647 --> 00:12:13,190
Sorry, I'm not a good actor.
205
00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:17,820
So Bernadette Silvanas,
she's eating sans rival,
206
00:12:17,903 --> 00:12:20,239
already on her fourth slice,
207
00:12:20,322 --> 00:12:23,159
then her office called,
"We have an emergency meeting."
208
00:12:23,242 --> 00:12:25,494
"Hurry up. You walk really slow."
209
00:12:28,122 --> 00:12:30,499
That's verbatim.
This is history so we need to be…
210
00:12:31,250 --> 00:12:33,794
always correct, okay?
211
00:12:34,336 --> 00:12:36,589
So she said, "But…"
212
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:44,805
"But I'm not done
with my fourth slice of sans rival yet."
213
00:12:45,514 --> 00:12:48,142
"How can I eat-- Wait a minute!"
214
00:12:48,851 --> 00:12:52,313
So she put it in foil,
made it into a disc, and that's it.
215
00:12:52,396 --> 00:12:54,648
Silvanas was invented.
216
00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:58,277
A round of applause
for Bernadette Silvanas of Dumaguete.
217
00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:00,738
Yes.
218
00:13:00,821 --> 00:13:04,617
A round of applause for all of them.
Paul Thomas Escalator,
219
00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:05,993
John Bidet,
220
00:13:06,535 --> 00:13:08,746
Wesley Wheelchair,
221
00:13:08,829 --> 00:13:11,749
Bernadette Silvanas. A round of applause.
222
00:13:13,167 --> 00:13:14,668
Did anyone believe it?
223
00:13:15,336 --> 00:13:16,545
Even one? Good.
224
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:19,632
I don't want people
who listen to fake news.
225
00:13:19,715 --> 00:13:21,217
That's true, though.
226
00:13:24,178 --> 00:13:25,805
Oh, my. Not because I'm fat,
227
00:13:25,888 --> 00:13:31,268
but if you've seen my old sets,
228
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:35,022
you know that I always have a segment,
229
00:13:35,105 --> 00:13:37,608
or I have something about Jollibee.
230
00:13:37,691 --> 00:13:40,027
I don't know if you've heard that.
231
00:13:40,110 --> 00:13:41,487
Not because I'm fat,
232
00:13:41,570 --> 00:13:44,198
or I'm hoping that Jollibee
will give me money.
233
00:13:44,281 --> 00:13:47,493
But if possible, I'm okay with that too.
234
00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:49,703
That's okay too, right?
235
00:13:49,787 --> 00:13:54,250
I think Jollibee
is the most pro-fat fast food
236
00:13:54,333 --> 00:13:55,835
in the Philippines.
237
00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:57,837
That's true.
238
00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:01,257
Because they're the only one
who has invented
239
00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:06,136
the Jollibee
Four-Piece Chickenjoy Solo Box.
240
00:14:08,138 --> 00:14:11,141
Four-piece. What a perfect number!
241
00:14:12,726 --> 00:14:13,894
Absolutely perfect.
242
00:14:13,978 --> 00:14:16,063
They have a target market for it.
243
00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:20,234
Four-Piece Chickenjoy Solo Box. Right?
244
00:14:20,317 --> 00:14:24,196
They used to have a problem
with their counting.
245
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:26,282
Two-piece. Not enough, right?
246
00:14:26,365 --> 00:14:28,826
Then, six-piece, you'd need a friend.
247
00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:29,869
You know?
248
00:14:29,952 --> 00:14:32,705
It's awkward too,
because he'll only eat two.
249
00:14:34,248 --> 00:14:35,165
You know?
250
00:14:36,125 --> 00:14:39,461
You're supposed to share,
but you got four. You know?
251
00:14:39,962 --> 00:14:41,755
You'll both feel awkward.
252
00:14:41,839 --> 00:14:44,049
"You want more? You can have it."
253
00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:49,555
"Okay. You sure I can have it?
You're good, right?"
254
00:14:49,638 --> 00:14:52,558
There's that phase, right?
255
00:14:52,641 --> 00:14:56,437
People ask, "Why are you so excited
about a four-piece chicken?"
256
00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:58,272
"Why not order two two-piece instead?"
257
00:14:58,355 --> 00:15:00,065
Someone skinny asked me that.
258
00:15:02,234 --> 00:15:03,861
Skinny people can't relate.
259
00:15:03,944 --> 00:15:05,029
You're stupid.
260
00:15:06,989 --> 00:15:08,032
Don't you know?
261
00:15:09,241 --> 00:15:12,703
Don't you know that when you order
two two-piece chickens,
262
00:15:12,786 --> 00:15:14,121
that's two meals.
263
00:15:14,830 --> 00:15:18,584
That's two meals.
That's a blow to our self-esteem, man.
264
00:15:21,503 --> 00:15:23,672
There's psychological damage in it.
265
00:15:24,298 --> 00:15:26,717
At the counter, "What's your order, sir?"
266
00:15:27,384 --> 00:15:29,053
"Two two-piece chickens."
267
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:35,684
Then they give you two boxes,
two sets of utensils.
268
00:15:37,519 --> 00:15:39,939
You will see. "It's for two people."
269
00:15:41,690 --> 00:15:42,900
Going to your table.
270
00:15:42,983 --> 00:15:45,694
People will think,
"He's with someone." No.
271
00:15:49,823 --> 00:15:52,326
"I'm alone. Don't judge me!"
272
00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:57,289
After you eat the first one,
since there's two…
273
00:15:57,373 --> 00:16:00,501
There's fresh Chickenjoy
in the other box, right?
274
00:16:00,584 --> 00:16:02,795
Then you think, "Should I eat it?"
275
00:16:03,671 --> 00:16:06,048
You'll give in
because you're not satisfied yet.
276
00:16:06,131 --> 00:16:09,510
"I'll eat this other two-piece." Right?
277
00:16:09,593 --> 00:16:12,554
Then you'll take the new set of utensils.
278
00:16:13,305 --> 00:16:15,432
It's like a fresh start, you know.
279
00:16:17,559 --> 00:16:20,104
While eating it, "I'm so fat."
280
00:16:21,230 --> 00:16:23,232
"I'm so fat!"
281
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:30,280
But now, there's Jollibee
Four-Piece Chickenjoy Solo Box.
282
00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:35,744
There's someone
in the R&D Department of Jollibee
283
00:16:36,328 --> 00:16:38,497
who has done their research, man.
284
00:16:38,580 --> 00:16:41,375
"Sir, lots of fat people
order two two-piece chickens!"
285
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,629
"I think we can capitalize
on this market."
286
00:16:46,755 --> 00:16:51,552
"Let's make a Jollibee
Four-Piece Chickenjoy Solo Box!"
287
00:16:51,635 --> 00:16:55,264
And true enough,
so many fat people celebrated.
288
00:16:55,347 --> 00:16:57,641
It's the right amount. You know?
289
00:16:57,725 --> 00:17:01,020
When I enter Jollibee,
there's already a pep in my step.
290
00:17:02,646 --> 00:17:05,107
"Jolly morning!" "Jolly morning, indeed!"
291
00:17:07,818 --> 00:17:08,819
True.
292
00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:11,864
"Your order, sir?"
293
00:17:11,947 --> 00:17:16,201
"Well! Jollibee Four-Piece
Chickenjoy Solo Box!"
294
00:17:18,954 --> 00:17:20,789
Right? That's the dream.
295
00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:24,084
They'll give it to you
in just one box, man.
296
00:17:24,168 --> 00:17:26,670
Right? And just one set of utensils.
297
00:17:26,754 --> 00:17:28,630
It's just for one person!
298
00:17:29,506 --> 00:17:31,759
Right? So fascinating.
299
00:17:31,842 --> 00:17:34,553
So I say, I hope this gets to Jollibee.
300
00:17:34,636 --> 00:17:39,558
Please, Jollibee.
Please, Jollibee, please, okay?
301
00:17:39,641 --> 00:17:45,397
You are close to a perfect,
perfect product, okay?
302
00:17:45,481 --> 00:17:46,899
But here's the problem.
303
00:17:46,982 --> 00:17:49,026
When you eat a four-piece chicken,
304
00:17:49,109 --> 00:17:50,986
what do you need to order, man?
305
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:52,279
- Extra?
- Rice.
306
00:17:52,362 --> 00:17:55,449
Extra rice, man! Right?
307
00:17:55,532 --> 00:17:59,620
The term "extra rice…"
308
00:18:00,704 --> 00:18:02,998
It's very problematic, man.
309
00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:08,754
It connotes
that when you order extra rice,
310
00:18:08,837 --> 00:18:12,674
it connotes there is an excess of rice.
311
00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:16,136
That you already have enough rice
312
00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:19,431
but you need extra, right?
313
00:18:19,515 --> 00:18:21,433
But it's not right. It's not enough.
314
00:18:21,517 --> 00:18:23,977
Even for a two-piece with one rice.
315
00:18:24,061 --> 00:18:25,604
Right? That's stupid.
316
00:18:26,230 --> 00:18:27,147
Right?
317
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:33,362
We should rebrand extra rice
to make it more appropriate.
318
00:18:33,445 --> 00:18:36,406
I'm now calling it "appropriate rice."
319
00:18:39,576 --> 00:18:43,372
Because if you order extra rice,
it's like, "I ate too much."
320
00:18:43,455 --> 00:18:46,458
And sometimes,
you order another extra rice,
321
00:18:46,542 --> 00:18:48,210
a third extra rice.
322
00:18:48,293 --> 00:18:51,130
It goes straight to my head.
"I ate too much!"
323
00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:55,217
But if it's "appropriate rice,"
and the cashier reassures you too…
324
00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:57,469
Maybe you can include this
in your training.
325
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:01,431
Right? Maybe you can say,
326
00:19:01,515 --> 00:19:05,435
"Appropriate rice, sir?
No worries. That's just enough."
327
00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:09,189
Right?
328
00:19:09,273 --> 00:19:10,941
When you order one more,
329
00:19:11,024 --> 00:19:14,111
"It's okay. We're all beautiful
in our own right."
330
00:19:16,238 --> 00:19:17,197
Right?
331
00:19:17,739 --> 00:19:20,701
You order more,
"No worries, it's vacation anyway."
332
00:19:22,619 --> 00:19:23,537
Right?
333
00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:25,372
No, it's easy, guys.
334
00:19:25,455 --> 00:19:27,624
Jollibee, I have
a complete pitch for this.
335
00:19:27,708 --> 00:19:30,669
You don't have to buy
a new wrapper for it.
336
00:19:30,752 --> 00:19:32,462
Just get the Champ wrapper.
337
00:19:32,546 --> 00:19:34,590
Put four scoops of rice in it.
338
00:19:36,717 --> 00:19:37,843
That's it, man.
339
00:19:37,926 --> 00:19:40,470
Jollibee, you're welcome, man.
340
00:19:40,554 --> 00:19:42,639
You don't have to pay me for that.
341
00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:45,225
It's for fat people only
and I'm happy to help.
342
00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:46,435
Yes, thank you.
343
00:19:52,107 --> 00:19:54,193
Is it okay if I drink, or…
344
00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:58,822
Would you think, "We paid a lot
and he's just drinking in front of us."
345
00:20:06,330 --> 00:20:07,331
Oh, my God.
346
00:20:08,123 --> 00:20:10,834
Are you okay, ma'am? I just drank water.
347
00:20:11,418 --> 00:20:12,544
She's dying here.
348
00:20:14,713 --> 00:20:18,091
I don't know if you know.
It's hard to be a local artist.
349
00:20:18,175 --> 00:20:20,969
It's hard, especially now,
the world is open,
350
00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:22,638
you also compete with foreign acts.
351
00:20:22,721 --> 00:20:24,723
Those foreign acts, when they come here,
352
00:20:24,806 --> 00:20:28,227
the moment they get on stage,
they just say, "Mabuhay!" and…
353
00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:32,522
"Yes!"
354
00:20:32,606 --> 00:20:34,149
"Mahal ko kayo!" "Yes!"
355
00:20:34,691 --> 00:20:38,528
"Yes! A foreigner who speaks Tagalog!
Here's my money!"
356
00:20:40,739 --> 00:20:43,116
Me, I've been speaking Tagalog
for a long time now.
357
00:20:44,451 --> 00:20:47,037
If I say, "Mabuhay"…
358
00:20:47,746 --> 00:20:49,790
Will there be… Really?
359
00:20:49,873 --> 00:20:51,041
Really?
360
00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:54,253
Don't fool me. My ticket price is cheap.
361
00:20:57,256 --> 00:21:00,342
If I raise the ticket prize to ₱10,000,
"Is he a foreigner?"
362
00:21:01,468 --> 00:21:02,803
It's always like that.
363
00:21:03,345 --> 00:21:05,472
Right? But that's bullshit.
364
00:21:05,555 --> 00:21:07,516
We're so happy when they say "mabuhay."
365
00:21:07,599 --> 00:21:10,352
Is it because we are making fun of them?
366
00:21:11,687 --> 00:21:15,607
Because "mabuhay" is not even real.
It's not our greeting, right?
367
00:21:15,691 --> 00:21:18,860
You know when the foreigner
said "mabuhay" onstage,
368
00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:23,031
he probably just asked
the Filipino crew or producer,
369
00:21:23,115 --> 00:21:25,409
"What's your greeting here
in the Philippines?"
370
00:21:25,492 --> 00:21:26,785
"Oh, it's 'mabuhay.'"
371
00:21:27,494 --> 00:21:30,289
Right? Then when he gets
on stage, "Mabuhay!"
372
00:21:31,915 --> 00:21:33,709
But it's not even real.
373
00:21:34,209 --> 00:21:37,129
Right? Does anyone here greet
by saying "mabuhay"?
374
00:21:38,046 --> 00:21:41,341
Even just one person here
who greets using "mabuhay"
375
00:21:41,425 --> 00:21:43,427
at any point in their lives,
376
00:21:43,510 --> 00:21:45,178
I'll leave and retire now.
377
00:21:45,262 --> 00:21:47,681
Is there anyone here? No one.
378
00:21:47,764 --> 00:21:48,724
None. No one.
379
00:21:48,807 --> 00:21:51,018
Who says, "Bro, mabuhay, bro"?
380
00:21:52,269 --> 00:21:54,271
"Mabuhay, bro. Yeah, man."
381
00:21:54,354 --> 00:21:56,773
"Where are you? Poblacion?" "Yeah, dude."
382
00:21:56,857 --> 00:21:58,817
"You're leaving already? Mabuhay, bro."
383
00:21:59,693 --> 00:22:02,654
"Mabuhay. Ey, bro, mabuhay. Mabuhay."
384
00:22:02,738 --> 00:22:06,950
No. It never happened.
And yet, we're fooling them all.
385
00:22:07,034 --> 00:22:11,538
Why? Are we ashamed
to say our real customs?
386
00:22:11,621 --> 00:22:15,042
Right? Are we ashamed?
"What's your real greeting?"
387
00:22:15,125 --> 00:22:16,710
"This." Right?
388
00:22:17,586 --> 00:22:19,087
"Hey!" Right?
389
00:22:20,505 --> 00:22:24,760
"Kumusta? How are you? You okay?" Right?
390
00:22:24,843 --> 00:22:30,057
I think we really need to teach them
other better Filipino customs.
391
00:22:30,140 --> 00:22:33,018
Right? I'm fond of
this one Filipino custom.
392
00:22:33,101 --> 00:22:35,604
When I'm asked to eat. Right?
393
00:22:35,687 --> 00:22:38,690
It feels like a greeting also
when you visit during mealtime.
394
00:22:38,774 --> 00:22:41,318
Right? "Hey, man. Join us!" Right?
395
00:22:41,860 --> 00:22:46,073
Good thing is,
it's like a big part of role-play.
396
00:22:48,617 --> 00:22:49,451
Right?
397
00:22:49,534 --> 00:22:54,122
That's the only greeting
with a customary response.
398
00:22:54,748 --> 00:22:57,542
When they say, "Lets eat!"
"It's okay. I'm still full."
399
00:23:00,253 --> 00:23:02,297
You can't accept the offer!
400
00:23:04,174 --> 00:23:07,386
I didn't know that
until I was around 26, by the way.
401
00:23:08,678 --> 00:23:10,847
I thought I could opt to say yes.
402
00:23:11,807 --> 00:23:12,974
All the time.
403
00:23:14,017 --> 00:23:16,686
I thought, "Lets eat!"
"Really? What are we having?"
404
00:23:18,105 --> 00:23:21,650
"This is just one cheese dog.
Let's split it in three, man."
405
00:23:22,150 --> 00:23:23,318
Right?
406
00:23:23,402 --> 00:23:26,530
Filipinos are amazing.
Even if there's hardly any food, "Eat!"
407
00:23:26,613 --> 00:23:29,157
Even if what's left
are already sucked bones.
408
00:23:29,866 --> 00:23:31,535
"Eat, man!" "No, it's okay."
409
00:23:31,618 --> 00:23:34,663
"I don't wanna eat the carrot
in your chicken curry."
410
00:23:37,624 --> 00:23:39,584
"There's only one left. It's pitiful."
411
00:23:41,044 --> 00:23:43,505
That's what you eat
if you still have rice left, right?
412
00:23:43,588 --> 00:23:46,341
"Okay, I'll have a carrot." Right?
413
00:23:46,883 --> 00:23:49,636
Like that.
It has a customary response. Right?
414
00:23:49,719 --> 00:23:52,806
It's beautiful, right?
"Dude, come eat!" "I'm full."
415
00:23:52,889 --> 00:23:54,099
"No, I'm done."
416
00:23:54,182 --> 00:23:57,769
A lot of excuses, right? So it won't…
417
00:23:57,853 --> 00:24:01,523
You say, "Dude, eat!"
so he won't be uncomfortable.
418
00:24:01,606 --> 00:24:03,859
"You're welcome in my home.
You can eat here."
419
00:24:03,942 --> 00:24:08,238
Then the person says,
"It's okay. Don't bother." Right?
420
00:24:08,321 --> 00:24:11,283
If he insists, there will be a tug-of-war.
421
00:24:11,783 --> 00:24:14,286
"No. Dude, eat. We still have more.
I'll get some more."
422
00:24:14,369 --> 00:24:17,122
"It's okay. I've eaten already."
He'll make excuses.
423
00:24:17,205 --> 00:24:18,665
"I ate on my way here."
424
00:24:19,249 --> 00:24:21,251
What do you mean by that?
425
00:24:22,252 --> 00:24:24,379
You came here on a motorbike.
426
00:24:25,338 --> 00:24:26,756
You ate on your way here?
427
00:24:30,135 --> 00:24:31,261
What's that?
428
00:24:31,970 --> 00:24:33,054
Right?
429
00:24:33,138 --> 00:24:34,139
Goodness.
430
00:24:34,222 --> 00:24:36,725
That's what we should teach foreigners.
431
00:24:36,808 --> 00:24:39,186
They come here to have a concert,
"Let's eat!"
432
00:24:39,895 --> 00:24:41,730
"We're full!"
433
00:24:43,815 --> 00:24:47,903
Another custom that I like very much.
"Ingat." Right?
434
00:24:47,986 --> 00:24:51,239
Later when you part ways, "Ingat!"
435
00:24:51,323 --> 00:24:53,158
For sure, you'll say, "Ingat."
436
00:24:53,241 --> 00:24:55,118
We emphasize that, right?
437
00:24:55,202 --> 00:24:56,286
"Ingat. Ingat ka."
438
00:24:57,370 --> 00:24:59,456
"Mag-ingat ka." That's automatic.
439
00:24:59,539 --> 00:25:03,001
Sometimes, when you drop someone off,
you take them to their house,
440
00:25:03,084 --> 00:25:05,003
when they get out of the car, "Ingat! Oh!"
441
00:25:07,380 --> 00:25:09,382
"It's already your place!"
"Yes. Here's me."
442
00:25:10,550 --> 00:25:11,801
"Really?"
443
00:25:11,885 --> 00:25:15,347
"It's funny. Here's me.
That's my gate. And you said, 'Ingat.'"
444
00:25:15,847 --> 00:25:17,682
Then that.
445
00:25:18,642 --> 00:25:22,187
I thought that was the time they made out.
446
00:25:23,438 --> 00:25:26,233
I'm sorry.
That wasn't really included in the joke.
447
00:25:27,692 --> 00:25:29,069
"Ingat." Right?
448
00:25:29,152 --> 00:25:30,862
Why do we emphasize it? "Ingat."
449
00:25:30,946 --> 00:25:35,200
Because we know
that we live in the Philippines.
450
00:25:37,118 --> 00:25:43,750
We know that no matter what happens,
something could happen to you,
451
00:25:43,833 --> 00:25:46,419
wherever you go,
even just walking to the parking lot,
452
00:25:46,503 --> 00:25:48,421
a lot could happen, so "ingat."
453
00:25:49,214 --> 00:25:51,967
People say,
"That's 'take care' in English."
454
00:25:52,050 --> 00:25:53,301
No. It's not "take care."
455
00:25:53,385 --> 00:25:55,303
It's something more intense.
456
00:25:55,387 --> 00:25:56,304
Right? "Ingat."
457
00:25:56,388 --> 00:25:58,390
"Be fucking careful."
458
00:25:59,140 --> 00:26:02,060
"You're in the Philippines. Danger lurks."
459
00:26:03,228 --> 00:26:04,771
That's what it means.
460
00:26:04,854 --> 00:26:07,732
We know that when you get out
from wherever you're at,
461
00:26:07,816 --> 00:26:10,110
going to your car or whatever.
462
00:26:10,193 --> 00:26:12,195
We don't have a sidewalk.
463
00:26:13,029 --> 00:26:16,700
Or if there's a sidewalk,
you're walking, suddenly there's a post.
464
00:26:18,201 --> 00:26:19,869
You go like that.
465
00:26:21,079 --> 00:26:25,584
You take side steps,
the post is in your face.
466
00:26:25,667 --> 00:26:29,129
Then later, you're hitting something wet.
467
00:26:29,212 --> 00:26:31,298
"Shit, it's piss! Urine!"
468
00:26:32,882 --> 00:26:35,343
Right? We all know that.
We've all had that experience.
469
00:26:35,427 --> 00:26:39,556
We're walking,
then there's a hole in the street.
470
00:26:39,639 --> 00:26:42,350
Your foot goes in and it's knee-deep.
471
00:26:43,101 --> 00:26:46,521
Suddenly you have leptospirosis. Right?
472
00:26:46,605 --> 00:26:50,025
So many possibilities.
You're walking, you see a grimy vagrant.
473
00:26:50,108 --> 00:26:53,570
Then he talks to you and he's like…
474
00:27:02,037 --> 00:27:02,996
And you can't…
475
00:27:03,830 --> 00:27:06,583
You can't fight a grimy vagrant, man.
476
00:27:07,834 --> 00:27:10,337
When you punch him, there's poison damage.
477
00:27:13,298 --> 00:27:14,382
You really can't.
478
00:27:16,259 --> 00:27:17,385
"Oh, God!"
479
00:27:18,136 --> 00:27:20,722
"Why am I the one getting hurt over time?"
480
00:27:22,057 --> 00:27:23,141
Right?
481
00:27:23,224 --> 00:27:24,643
You can't, man. No.
482
00:27:24,726 --> 00:27:26,436
There's a lot that could happen to you.
483
00:27:26,519 --> 00:27:28,688
You could get mugged.
484
00:27:28,772 --> 00:27:31,024
You could get sideswiped by a tricycle.
485
00:27:32,108 --> 00:27:34,027
You could step in shit.
486
00:27:34,944 --> 00:27:36,446
The most annoying of all.
487
00:27:37,113 --> 00:27:38,365
To step in shit.
488
00:27:39,282 --> 00:27:41,618
Most hassle of all.
It's automatic, you go home.
489
00:27:47,290 --> 00:27:48,667
It's automatic, you go home.
490
00:27:49,376 --> 00:27:51,920
Even if you've just gone out… Okay.
491
00:27:55,465 --> 00:27:59,427
Better if you have the option to go home.
492
00:27:59,511 --> 00:28:02,889
What if you're on your way to work?
You're well-dressed.
493
00:28:02,972 --> 00:28:05,308
You put perfume on. New shoes.
494
00:28:05,392 --> 00:28:07,811
You want to impress your office crush.
495
00:28:07,894 --> 00:28:10,105
Even took a cab to keep you fresh.
496
00:28:10,188 --> 00:28:12,023
Then suddenly, there's shit.
497
00:28:12,941 --> 00:28:15,318
And you step in it. Right?
498
00:28:15,402 --> 00:28:17,487
You can't go home because of work.
499
00:28:17,570 --> 00:28:19,989
What now? You knock on doors.
500
00:28:20,073 --> 00:28:22,075
You're like, "Anybody home?"
501
00:28:22,951 --> 00:28:24,619
You put your foot up.
502
00:28:25,620 --> 00:28:27,914
Do you see it? You put your heel up.
503
00:28:27,997 --> 00:28:29,624
"Anybody home?"
504
00:28:30,583 --> 00:28:32,001
"I stepped in shit!"
505
00:28:34,921 --> 00:28:38,383
Right? Then, a lady comes out.
"What happened to you?"
506
00:28:39,884 --> 00:28:41,428
"What happened to you?"
507
00:28:42,178 --> 00:28:45,598
"I've stepped in shit."
Right? Then she hands you a hose.
508
00:28:46,725 --> 00:28:49,519
And the water pressure is very low.
509
00:28:52,147 --> 00:28:56,943
It's like you're just pouring
a glass of water on your shoes.
510
00:28:57,652 --> 00:28:59,237
The lady is talking to you,
511
00:28:59,320 --> 00:29:03,533
"Where did you get that?
That's what I'm telling them."
512
00:29:03,616 --> 00:29:06,369
"They should pick it up,
but there's no dog owner."
513
00:29:08,997 --> 00:29:12,709
"No one owns the dog.
Who's going to pick it up?"
514
00:29:14,127 --> 00:29:16,421
Then while she's speaking,
515
00:29:16,504 --> 00:29:18,631
you put your thumb on the hose to…
516
00:29:20,759 --> 00:29:22,385
to increase the pressure.
517
00:29:23,178 --> 00:29:26,473
You can't say, "Do you have another hose
with more water pressure?"
518
00:29:27,265 --> 00:29:29,726
"Do you have a power washer, ma'am?"
519
00:29:30,602 --> 00:29:32,520
"The shit has hardened."
520
00:29:32,604 --> 00:29:35,064
"It dried while I was on my way here."
521
00:29:35,648 --> 00:29:37,192
"Due to wind exposure."
522
00:29:37,692 --> 00:29:40,445
"So it hardened in the sole's crevices."
523
00:29:41,321 --> 00:29:44,324
Suddenly she'll ask, "Where do you work?"
524
00:29:44,407 --> 00:29:46,785
"I work there."
"My granddaughter got rejected there."
525
00:29:46,868 --> 00:29:48,870
Now, her problem is also your problem.
526
00:29:52,999 --> 00:29:55,418
You've just stepped in shit!
527
00:29:56,419 --> 00:29:58,129
Too annoying! Right?
528
00:29:58,213 --> 00:30:02,967
But I thought before, stepping in shit
was the worst that could happen to you
529
00:30:03,051 --> 00:30:05,220
until this happened to me.
530
00:30:05,303 --> 00:30:07,806
I scooped shit.
531
00:30:07,889 --> 00:30:10,892
Okay, some of you get it.
Others are like, "What?"
532
00:30:10,975 --> 00:30:12,393
I'll explain it, okay?
533
00:30:12,477 --> 00:30:15,563
Scooped shit. Scooped.
534
00:30:16,147 --> 00:30:19,734
S-C-O-O-P. Scooped, okay.
535
00:30:19,818 --> 00:30:23,196
How? Okay, so normally,
when you step in shit…
536
00:30:23,279 --> 00:30:25,323
Let's say it's this microphone.
537
00:30:25,406 --> 00:30:26,324
Okay.
538
00:30:26,950 --> 00:30:27,867
Smells bad.
539
00:30:28,618 --> 00:30:30,620
This is your foot.
540
00:30:30,703 --> 00:30:31,871
Jump…
541
00:30:32,455 --> 00:30:36,084
"Hassle! I stepped in shit." Right?
542
00:30:36,167 --> 00:30:39,170
That's what happened there, okay?
543
00:30:39,254 --> 00:30:43,258
Now, what if you scooped shit?
544
00:30:43,341 --> 00:30:45,176
Here's what happened. This is your foot.
545
00:30:45,260 --> 00:30:48,012
Jump…
546
00:30:49,931 --> 00:30:51,307
It's just here.
547
00:30:52,809 --> 00:30:56,729
It's just here.
It's really the ultimate misfortune, guys.
548
00:30:56,813 --> 00:30:59,023
Here's the shit, here's your shoe.
549
00:30:59,107 --> 00:31:00,733
Your foot, right?
550
00:31:00,817 --> 00:31:03,570
Here, the planets really aligned…
551
00:31:04,404 --> 00:31:05,488
to make it happen.
552
00:31:05,572 --> 00:31:07,407
Mercury is in retrograde.
553
00:31:08,700 --> 00:31:12,161
Remember, I'm from the south.
I'm always wearing slides, bro.
554
00:31:13,121 --> 00:31:15,582
When it happened to me,
I was only wearing slides.
555
00:31:15,665 --> 00:31:18,585
I was walking in the subdivision,
in our village.
556
00:31:18,668 --> 00:31:21,170
I'm walking, then suddenly… Just here.
557
00:31:21,254 --> 00:31:24,007
I'm walking… Then what happens next?
558
00:31:24,090 --> 00:31:26,134
Upward motion.
559
00:31:26,217 --> 00:31:29,304
Scooping the shit.
560
00:31:30,555 --> 00:31:33,182
I'm telling you, it felt weird, man.
561
00:31:34,225 --> 00:31:36,853
You can't even imagine
what happened to you.
562
00:31:37,478 --> 00:31:39,731
You're just walking, then suddenly,
563
00:31:39,814 --> 00:31:41,608
"These slides are comfortable."
564
00:31:41,691 --> 00:31:42,984
Right? Then suddenly,
565
00:31:43,067 --> 00:31:45,862
"Hey! Why does it suddenly seem
more comfortable?"
566
00:31:48,031 --> 00:31:50,116
Then later, "What's that smell?"
567
00:31:50,992 --> 00:31:51,826
"What happened?"
568
00:31:51,910 --> 00:31:56,414
When you look, there's already something
brown-yellow in between…
569
00:31:57,624 --> 00:31:58,875
You can't believe it.
570
00:31:58,958 --> 00:32:03,212
"Man, why is there shit in my slides?
How did this happen?"
571
00:32:03,838 --> 00:32:05,173
Then you look back.
572
00:32:05,256 --> 00:32:07,508
Of course, you investigate
what you've stepped on.
573
00:32:07,592 --> 00:32:10,303
When you see it, it's brushed up already.
574
00:32:13,181 --> 00:32:14,515
Shit looks like this.
575
00:32:18,811 --> 00:32:20,605
It's brushed up already, man.
576
00:32:21,564 --> 00:32:23,024
You can't do anything.
577
00:32:23,107 --> 00:32:26,110
So you've scooped shit!
578
00:32:26,194 --> 00:32:29,238
Then, when you see it,
it's like yellow ganache.
579
00:32:30,573 --> 00:32:34,661
When you look for a hose right there,
when you're knocking,
580
00:32:34,744 --> 00:32:36,204
"Anybody there?"
581
00:32:37,538 --> 00:32:40,500
"I just… No, I scooped shit!"
582
00:32:42,418 --> 00:32:43,878
A hose won't be enough.
583
00:32:44,587 --> 00:32:46,547
"You need a bucket."
584
00:32:47,966 --> 00:32:49,217
"Put it in."
585
00:32:52,470 --> 00:32:54,764
Do you like my urban grandmother…
586
00:32:56,599 --> 00:32:58,101
urban grandma voice?
587
00:33:00,144 --> 00:33:01,729
"Oh, my!"
588
00:33:01,813 --> 00:33:03,690
"Youths now, all they do is TikTok!"
589
00:33:04,774 --> 00:33:08,069
"Only TikTok! Don't know how to work."
590
00:33:09,112 --> 00:33:12,115
"Don't get circumcised anymore."
No. I don't know if…
591
00:33:14,993 --> 00:33:16,911
I'm not saying it,
592
00:33:16,995 --> 00:33:19,539
but people's response
when I drink is they clap.
593
00:33:19,622 --> 00:33:20,790
I don't know why.
594
00:33:30,758 --> 00:33:33,011
That's louder than for my other jokes.
595
00:33:33,594 --> 00:33:35,805
I'll just drink water my whole set.
596
00:33:38,975 --> 00:33:40,101
Ah, my God.
597
00:33:40,852 --> 00:33:44,355
My girlfriend and I
just had our one-year anniversary.
598
00:33:47,066 --> 00:33:50,153
Yes. Yeah. Yup.
599
00:33:50,236 --> 00:33:52,613
It's funny, because before that,
600
00:33:52,697 --> 00:33:54,657
I think I'd been single for four years.
601
00:33:54,741 --> 00:33:56,242
It was difficult, man.
602
00:33:56,325 --> 00:33:58,411
It's difficult, right?
Who's single? Applause.
603
00:33:58,494 --> 00:33:59,579
Don't worry.
604
00:34:00,163 --> 00:34:01,289
There!
605
00:34:01,372 --> 00:34:03,124
Someone raised a hand. Two.
606
00:34:03,207 --> 00:34:04,208
Okay.
607
00:34:04,292 --> 00:34:06,627
Anybody here single?
No singles here? Okay.
608
00:34:06,711 --> 00:34:07,795
Then, all of you…
609
00:34:08,713 --> 00:34:10,048
You have a good life, huh?
610
00:34:10,673 --> 00:34:12,717
What's most annoying when you're single,
611
00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:16,512
it's like people treat you
like you need to be fixed.
612
00:34:17,096 --> 00:34:20,641
Right? It's like, "Why are you single?"
613
00:34:21,309 --> 00:34:22,560
"You look okay."
614
00:34:23,728 --> 00:34:24,645
"You're okay."
615
00:34:24,729 --> 00:34:27,482
Right? Like, damn, it's okay to be single.
616
00:34:27,565 --> 00:34:30,818
Then they match you up with someone.
That's what's most annoying of all.
617
00:34:30,902 --> 00:34:34,781
They think they know who's right for you.
618
00:34:34,864 --> 00:34:38,117
Fuck, that's the arrogance
of match-making, man. Right?
619
00:34:38,201 --> 00:34:40,787
"My cousin is single."
620
00:34:40,870 --> 00:34:42,580
"Then you marry your cousin."
621
00:34:44,874 --> 00:34:46,876
Prove it! Prove it, right?
622
00:34:46,959 --> 00:34:49,962
"Prove that she's a good match.
Then after, I'm game."
623
00:34:50,046 --> 00:34:52,381
"You guys first. Go and make out."
624
00:34:53,299 --> 00:34:56,052
"But that's my cousin."
"Excuses, man."
625
00:34:56,135 --> 00:34:57,804
"If it's true love, that's nothing."
626
00:34:57,887 --> 00:35:01,724
"I thought you said your cousin was okay?
Then why don't you?"
627
00:35:01,808 --> 00:35:02,809
Right?
628
00:35:03,851 --> 00:35:05,228
I hate match-making.
629
00:35:05,311 --> 00:35:09,524
They'll ask what you like in a person.
"What's your type?"
630
00:35:09,607 --> 00:35:12,151
"Someone with almond-shaped eyes?
Light skin? Tan?"
631
00:35:12,235 --> 00:35:16,155
Right? Then they'll categorize
the women in groups.
632
00:35:16,781 --> 00:35:18,658
They categorize people.
633
00:35:18,741 --> 00:35:21,786
Then they'll make a list
and give it to you.
634
00:35:21,869 --> 00:35:24,122
Man! So unnatural, man. Right?
635
00:35:24,205 --> 00:35:28,376
Me, I don't have an aesthetic type, man.
Absolutely nothing.
636
00:35:28,459 --> 00:35:31,462
I look more at economic stature.
637
00:35:33,214 --> 00:35:36,342
So my type is,
638
00:35:36,425 --> 00:35:40,179
I call them "subdivision girls," man.
639
00:35:40,847 --> 00:35:45,059
Women living in a subdivision.
That's all, okay.
640
00:35:45,143 --> 00:35:47,478
I only do San Lo and up. Okay?
641
00:35:49,313 --> 00:35:52,275
Nothing else. Right? They're the best!
642
00:35:52,358 --> 00:35:55,361
Have you ever dated a subdivision girl?
Man, it's the best.
643
00:35:55,444 --> 00:35:57,864
The kind you ask, "What's your job?"
644
00:35:57,947 --> 00:36:00,158
"I just work for my family business."
645
00:36:03,077 --> 00:36:04,829
Subdivision girls.
646
00:36:05,580 --> 00:36:08,249
Right? The kind
who out of nowhere asks you,
647
00:36:08,332 --> 00:36:11,252
"You wanna come
on my family vacation to Prague?"
648
00:36:11,919 --> 00:36:14,505
Thank you. Subdivision girl.
649
00:36:15,381 --> 00:36:19,135
Right? Even your visa will be arranged.
The best. Right?
650
00:36:19,218 --> 00:36:22,180
"Let's just go to the Polo Club.
I can l use my card."
651
00:36:24,182 --> 00:36:26,726
Subdivision girl! The best!
652
00:36:26,809 --> 00:36:28,519
I'm kidding! Such an asshole, right?
653
00:36:28,603 --> 00:36:29,979
No, I just…
654
00:36:30,730 --> 00:36:32,106
And I'm taking back my words.
655
00:36:32,190 --> 00:36:35,693
No, the only reason I like girls
who live in subdivisions
656
00:36:35,776 --> 00:36:37,820
is because they have a shower.
657
00:36:38,446 --> 00:36:39,906
I love shower sex.
658
00:36:41,782 --> 00:36:43,409
That's really it.
659
00:36:43,492 --> 00:36:45,995
Shower sex is the best, dude.
Anyone else here like…
660
00:36:46,078 --> 00:36:48,623
No one? No one likes to… Just me? Okay.
661
00:36:49,248 --> 00:36:51,042
Okay, fine.
662
00:36:51,125 --> 00:36:52,752
Right, shower sex, man.
663
00:36:52,835 --> 00:36:56,172
I want the real shower sex.
664
00:36:56,255 --> 00:36:58,716
Not the bullshit shower sex in movies
665
00:36:58,799 --> 00:37:02,053
where they're making out in the shower
and they don't drown, like…
666
00:37:03,137 --> 00:37:05,389
Steady stream of water and not drown.
667
00:37:05,473 --> 00:37:07,141
Sounds like bullshit, right?
668
00:37:07,225 --> 00:37:10,478
I want the real shower sex
where you're taking turns in the water.
669
00:37:11,395 --> 00:37:12,563
That's what I want.
670
00:37:12,647 --> 00:37:16,400
Like, one is bathing
while the other is getting cold.
671
00:37:17,193 --> 00:37:20,446
Freezing cold, right?
"Are you done shampooing?"
672
00:37:23,032 --> 00:37:25,368
"Are you done shampooing?"
673
00:37:26,369 --> 00:37:27,870
"Your hair is so long!"
674
00:37:28,663 --> 00:37:31,499
"It might take ages.
Mine will just take a minute."
675
00:37:31,582 --> 00:37:33,376
"Can I have a turn?"
676
00:37:34,210 --> 00:37:35,628
Right? That's what I want.
677
00:37:35,711 --> 00:37:38,631
Shower sex in movies is bullshit.
With the wall pushing.
678
00:37:38,714 --> 00:37:39,674
Fuck that.
679
00:37:39,757 --> 00:37:41,467
And it's turning them on.
680
00:37:43,344 --> 00:37:45,763
It's painful to be pushed against a wall!
681
00:37:47,139 --> 00:37:50,810
Have you ever been pushed against a wall?
Walls are hard.
682
00:37:51,394 --> 00:37:55,314
It's not like getting thrown onto a bed.
There's no give in that, man.
683
00:37:55,398 --> 00:37:58,192
It's got tiles, man. It's hard.
684
00:37:58,276 --> 00:38:00,903
I was pushed against a wall before,
I bumped my head hard.
685
00:38:01,570 --> 00:38:02,989
"I can't hear anything."
686
00:38:04,073 --> 00:38:05,658
"Is this a concussion?"
687
00:38:06,450 --> 00:38:08,160
"It's a concussion, I see."
688
00:38:08,744 --> 00:38:11,414
"So this is where concussions begin."
689
00:38:11,497 --> 00:38:14,333
"I have to go to the hospital, right?"
690
00:38:14,417 --> 00:38:18,337
Feels good. I like shower sex.
I like it when you wash each other.
691
00:38:19,547 --> 00:38:23,509
I'll wipe your back.
You'll wipe my back. Right?
692
00:38:24,218 --> 00:38:27,221
Like those. Right? Like when you ask,
693
00:38:27,305 --> 00:38:30,266
"Can you pull out the hair on my ass?"
694
00:38:32,184 --> 00:38:34,937
"I can't reach it."
That! That's true love!
695
00:38:35,688 --> 00:38:37,523
So I love shower sex, man.
696
00:38:37,606 --> 00:38:40,192
I've tried dipper sex. Not the same, dude.
697
00:38:41,027 --> 00:38:43,487
It's not hot. You know that? Kind of…
698
00:38:48,534 --> 00:38:51,245
"It's a little cold,
are you okay with it?"
699
00:38:53,331 --> 00:38:56,042
"It's been here a while.
You want me to boil water?"
700
00:38:59,545 --> 00:39:00,921
And you're squatting.
701
00:39:05,509 --> 00:39:08,471
Why is it when we bathe
with a dipper, it's not relaxing?
702
00:39:08,554 --> 00:39:13,100
With a shower, you're just standing.
With a dipper, everything is intense.
703
00:39:15,186 --> 00:39:17,938
You hurry up because the water drips fast.
704
00:39:18,773 --> 00:39:20,858
And you need to chase it.
"It's here already!"
705
00:39:22,985 --> 00:39:24,153
So, I've tried that.
706
00:39:24,653 --> 00:39:25,946
No, it's not the same, man.
707
00:39:26,030 --> 00:39:28,532
Still shower sex. It's not the same.
708
00:39:28,616 --> 00:39:32,578
When I'm single, especially now…
709
00:39:32,661 --> 00:39:35,414
It's different now.
Lots of people are sex-positive now.
710
00:39:35,498 --> 00:39:37,375
Me, I'm sex-positive too.
711
00:39:37,458 --> 00:39:42,713
I try to be open-minded about people's,
you know, desires and kinks.
712
00:39:42,797 --> 00:39:43,631
Right?
713
00:39:43,714 --> 00:39:46,258
You'll also encounter
someone incompatible with you.
714
00:39:46,342 --> 00:39:48,969
Sometimes, it doesn't work out.
715
00:39:49,053 --> 00:39:50,805
When I was single,
716
00:39:50,888 --> 00:39:53,265
I dated someone
and everything was going good, man.
717
00:39:53,349 --> 00:39:55,017
We talked in the restaurant,
718
00:39:55,101 --> 00:39:57,603
the conversation was good,
nice rapport, right?
719
00:39:57,686 --> 00:40:01,148
We had the same taste
in music and movies. Things like that.
720
00:40:01,232 --> 00:40:02,775
We were walking around the mall.
721
00:40:02,858 --> 00:40:05,736
We didn't even notice
it'd been three hours.
722
00:40:05,820 --> 00:40:07,363
Right? We were talking.
723
00:40:07,446 --> 00:40:10,574
After that, I brought her home,
724
00:40:10,658 --> 00:40:12,660
she invited me to her condo.
725
00:40:12,743 --> 00:40:16,205
I thought, "Yes! Good job!" Right?
726
00:40:16,747 --> 00:40:20,042
We got to her condo. We made out, man.
727
00:40:21,001 --> 00:40:21,877
Like that.
728
00:40:21,961 --> 00:40:23,504
It was awful.
729
00:40:24,422 --> 00:40:26,632
That's the comedic act of making out.
730
00:40:26,715 --> 00:40:29,093
If I'd done it right,
it'd be ridiculous. Look.
731
00:40:40,771 --> 00:40:43,566
Right? It's not cool.
732
00:40:43,649 --> 00:40:44,984
So that's the comedic…
733
00:40:45,067 --> 00:40:49,447
But we did make out, and after that,
she said, "I'm just gonna freshen up."
734
00:40:49,530 --> 00:40:51,031
She went to the bathroom.
735
00:40:51,574 --> 00:40:53,284
She even left the door open.
736
00:40:53,367 --> 00:40:56,203
I was like, "Oh, my God.
Is this an invitation?"
737
00:40:56,287 --> 00:40:58,122
Suddenly she said, "Join me."
738
00:40:59,999 --> 00:41:03,085
When I entered,
there was no dipper, "Good job."
739
00:41:03,794 --> 00:41:04,628
Right?
740
00:41:05,171 --> 00:41:06,505
I made sure of it first.
741
00:41:07,006 --> 00:41:10,050
Then I saw her shower. A rainfall shower.
742
00:41:10,134 --> 00:41:14,430
It's turned on, I saw the water pressure.
Could even remove tile grout.
743
00:41:15,014 --> 00:41:17,933
That's how strong it was.
That's how it was.
744
00:41:18,434 --> 00:41:21,312
I thought, "I'll put my ears
in front of it." Know what I mean?
745
00:41:21,395 --> 00:41:23,105
It felt really nice, right?
746
00:41:23,189 --> 00:41:25,941
That's luxury water pressure.
I was overjoyed.
747
00:41:26,025 --> 00:41:28,819
We made out in the shower.
748
00:41:28,903 --> 00:41:32,281
Then she knelt. "Oh, my God, she knelt."
749
00:41:32,823 --> 00:41:35,326
Wow, seriously, our first date
and she's game already.
750
00:41:35,409 --> 00:41:37,912
Suddenly she said, "Can you pee on me?"
751
00:41:39,580 --> 00:41:42,249
Okay. We're sex-positive, guys.
752
00:41:42,333 --> 00:41:43,751
Don't be grossed out.
753
00:41:43,834 --> 00:41:47,546
There are people who are into it
and it's not a bad thing.
754
00:41:47,630 --> 00:41:49,507
The only problem is
755
00:41:49,590 --> 00:41:51,842
if you are not compatible, don't force it.
756
00:41:51,926 --> 00:41:53,469
Right? That's it.
757
00:41:53,552 --> 00:41:54,637
The problem is…
758
00:41:55,930 --> 00:41:58,057
it's a tricky, touchy situation
759
00:41:58,140 --> 00:41:59,850
because we're in the mood already.
760
00:41:59,934 --> 00:42:01,519
Everything was going well.
761
00:42:01,602 --> 00:42:04,230
We were into it, so when she asked me…
762
00:42:05,105 --> 00:42:06,690
I had to reject her.
763
00:42:07,525 --> 00:42:10,945
So you have to be delicate
in this rejection. Right?
764
00:42:11,028 --> 00:42:13,822
Because it's rude if you just say,
"I don't want to!"
765
00:42:14,657 --> 00:42:16,158
"Fucking gross!" Right?
766
00:42:17,409 --> 00:42:18,410
Right?
767
00:42:19,453 --> 00:42:20,955
You should be delicate.
768
00:42:21,038 --> 00:42:23,582
But shit, my brain went slow-mo.
769
00:42:23,666 --> 00:42:25,125
It went bullet time.
770
00:42:26,085 --> 00:42:30,548
The voices in my head were talking.
"Okay. She wants to get peed on?" "Yes."
771
00:42:32,383 --> 00:42:34,552
"Do we like that?" "No, we don't."
772
00:42:35,511 --> 00:42:36,554
"We don't like that."
773
00:42:36,637 --> 00:42:38,264
"What shall we do and say?"
774
00:42:38,347 --> 00:42:39,682
"We need to reject her nicely
775
00:42:39,765 --> 00:42:42,476
but we need to tell her now
'cause it's been a long time."
776
00:42:42,560 --> 00:42:46,105
"Okay, you need to talk now.
Speak up, Red."
777
00:42:46,188 --> 00:42:48,232
"I don't need to pee yet."
778
00:42:53,237 --> 00:42:55,114
Then she said, "Okay."
779
00:42:55,781 --> 00:42:57,741
But, guys, the problem then was…
780
00:42:59,326 --> 00:43:01,328
I really needed to pee, man.
781
00:43:02,246 --> 00:43:05,416
It was like a water balloon
swelling bladder.
782
00:43:05,499 --> 00:43:09,128
Like, if you'd poked me,
something would've come out.
783
00:43:09,211 --> 00:43:11,630
A little bit would come out.
784
00:43:12,840 --> 00:43:16,135
Right? Like a water balloon.
785
00:43:16,218 --> 00:43:18,637
But, man, I am a gentleman, dude.
786
00:43:18,721 --> 00:43:20,848
I'm a gentleman. So we made out.
787
00:43:20,931 --> 00:43:23,642
We had sex, man.
We had sex three rounds, man.
788
00:43:23,726 --> 00:43:27,146
There's talking in between, man.
It's not just continuous sex.
789
00:43:27,229 --> 00:43:29,315
There's something in between.
There's talking.
790
00:43:29,398 --> 00:43:33,986
I knew what she wanted in her career,
frustrations, her hatred of her superiors.
791
00:43:34,069 --> 00:43:36,113
Her ex who had a snake, I also knew.
792
00:43:36,905 --> 00:43:39,241
I knew everything.
793
00:43:39,325 --> 00:43:43,787
After the third round, we talked more.
We had a long after-sex talk.
794
00:43:43,871 --> 00:43:46,206
Eventually, I had to say goodbye.
795
00:43:46,290 --> 00:43:49,168
I said, "It's been a great night.
Thank you so much."
796
00:43:49,251 --> 00:43:51,295
Then she closed the door.
797
00:43:51,378 --> 00:43:53,255
The moment the lock clicked…
798
00:43:53,839 --> 00:43:57,885
I ran really fast, man, to the elevator.
799
00:43:57,968 --> 00:44:00,471
I'm pressing the button quickly.
800
00:44:00,554 --> 00:44:03,932
Thinking that the elevator would go faster
if I pressured it.
801
00:44:04,016 --> 00:44:05,768
"I really need you!"
802
00:44:06,602 --> 00:44:09,813
"I need you.
I need you now, elevator." Right?
803
00:44:10,522 --> 00:44:14,485
I got down, got into my car.
I hurried to the nearest gas station.
804
00:44:14,568 --> 00:44:16,570
I urinated profusely, man.
805
00:44:16,654 --> 00:44:19,031
My pee would have made the world record
806
00:44:19,114 --> 00:44:21,450
if the Guinness Book
of World Records had been there.
807
00:44:21,533 --> 00:44:23,369
Like, "Wow, that's a lot."
808
00:44:24,036 --> 00:44:25,371
The pressure was strong.
809
00:44:25,454 --> 00:44:26,705
The things is,
810
00:44:26,789 --> 00:44:29,249
when I got there,
811
00:44:29,333 --> 00:44:32,878
I immediately went into the stall,
and what I did was,
812
00:44:32,961 --> 00:44:35,714
I jammed my thumb in my pelvis.
813
00:44:35,798 --> 00:44:39,468
I was injured
because I was wearing a belt.
814
00:44:39,551 --> 00:44:43,138
When you really need to pee
and you're wearing a belt, it's the worst.
815
00:44:46,350 --> 00:44:49,603
After I pulled my pants down, my penis…
Pretend this is my pants.
816
00:44:50,187 --> 00:44:52,815
Then my penis,
the moment it got like this…
817
00:44:55,818 --> 00:44:57,361
It was like a fire hose.
818
00:45:02,449 --> 00:45:05,369
I was trying to contain it.
Moving backwards.
819
00:45:05,953 --> 00:45:08,205
You're peeing already from the logo.
820
00:45:08,956 --> 00:45:10,958
Steph Curry! Right?
821
00:45:11,041 --> 00:45:14,378
It's long distance already, seriously.
I peed so much.
822
00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:16,463
I peed so much.
823
00:45:16,547 --> 00:45:18,048
It flushed the toilet.
824
00:45:21,343 --> 00:45:23,470
That much and strong, man.
825
00:45:24,054 --> 00:45:26,682
The toilet flushed, I'm not finished yet.
826
00:45:27,516 --> 00:45:31,895
I even filled it again.
Then I flushed it normally afterwards.
827
00:45:31,979 --> 00:45:34,189
If you just want to know that detail.
828
00:45:35,232 --> 00:45:37,693
That's it. That's exactly what happened.
829
00:45:37,776 --> 00:45:41,155
So, I thought,
830
00:45:41,238 --> 00:45:44,199
"Man, how did I get in this situation?
What the hell happened?"
831
00:45:44,283 --> 00:45:45,993
I looked back.
832
00:45:46,076 --> 00:45:48,370
You know, it's like she set me up.
833
00:45:48,871 --> 00:45:51,999
When we were at the restaurant,
when were ordering,
834
00:45:52,082 --> 00:45:56,128
she said, "We'll also have
three pitchers of peach iced tea."
835
00:45:57,421 --> 00:46:01,467
Three pitchers of peach iced tea?
836
00:46:02,050 --> 00:46:05,888
Then I drank it all.
We were walking, she had a Hydro Flask.
837
00:46:05,971 --> 00:46:08,807
It was 64 ounces, "Wanna drink?"
"Yes, please."
838
00:46:09,558 --> 00:46:10,768
"You're thoughtful."
839
00:46:10,851 --> 00:46:14,354
The largest drink at Taters
when we watched a movie.
840
00:46:14,438 --> 00:46:16,023
"I can't finish my drink."
841
00:46:16,106 --> 00:46:17,900
"Oh, root beer. Sure."
842
00:46:18,609 --> 00:46:22,196
I should have known, man. It was a set-up.
843
00:46:22,279 --> 00:46:24,823
Seriously, I really didn't know.
844
00:46:24,907 --> 00:46:28,202
Then people ask me
when they hear this story…
845
00:46:29,077 --> 00:46:32,372
"Why did you have to go to a gas station?"
846
00:46:32,456 --> 00:46:35,000
"After sex,
you should have done it there."
847
00:46:35,083 --> 00:46:38,337
You think it's that easy, man?
I told her I didn't need to pee.
848
00:46:38,420 --> 00:46:42,090
Then suddenly, "I need to pee."
Right? How's that?
849
00:46:42,174 --> 00:46:45,052
If I'd done it there, I don't know,
she might've done something.
850
00:46:45,135 --> 00:46:47,513
Maybe she'd run and say, "Interception!"
851
00:46:48,263 --> 00:46:49,473
Then suddenly…
852
00:46:51,266 --> 00:46:53,769
Sorry, I don't know. Do they drink it?
853
00:46:54,269 --> 00:46:56,480
I don't know what they do.
854
00:46:56,563 --> 00:46:57,898
Whatever, right?
855
00:46:58,440 --> 00:47:01,693
So that's why I didn't do it. It's hard.
856
00:47:01,777 --> 00:47:05,113
I've encountered so many that…
I can't really explain.
857
00:47:05,197 --> 00:47:07,074
Like, I'm not kink-shaming,
858
00:47:07,157 --> 00:47:09,701
but some kinks seem really strange.
859
00:47:09,785 --> 00:47:12,371
Right? Like during the pandemic.
860
00:47:12,454 --> 00:47:16,250
Who was single during the pandemic?
Damn. What an ordeal, man.
861
00:47:16,333 --> 00:47:19,837
You know that?
All of us had sex through chat.
862
00:47:19,920 --> 00:47:25,008
We did it there.
"I'm pulling down your pants."
863
00:47:26,885 --> 00:47:31,306
"I'm taking my penis out which is…
864
00:47:32,140 --> 00:47:33,267
nine inches."
865
00:47:35,894 --> 00:47:37,771
It's difficult, right?
866
00:47:37,855 --> 00:47:41,358
And the term is so ugly.
"Cybersex." Right?
867
00:47:42,901 --> 00:47:44,403
Cybersex.
868
00:47:45,529 --> 00:47:47,865
Right? It's not sexy.
869
00:47:47,948 --> 00:47:53,203
It's like when you're talking
to a woman, right?
870
00:47:53,287 --> 00:47:54,705
"So, cybersex it is?"
871
00:47:54,788 --> 00:47:56,415
It's not suave.
872
00:47:56,498 --> 00:47:58,250
"Want to take this to my Zoom room?"
873
00:47:58,959 --> 00:48:00,878
"I'm on premium."
874
00:48:01,545 --> 00:48:03,422
"We're not restricted to 40 minutes."
875
00:48:03,922 --> 00:48:06,008
"It has unlimited time."
876
00:48:06,091 --> 00:48:08,051
Right? It's weird.
877
00:48:08,135 --> 00:48:09,845
I don't get it. So anyway,
878
00:48:09,928 --> 00:48:12,890
I used to chat with someone.
She sent me nudes, man.
879
00:48:12,973 --> 00:48:14,266
Ooh, nudes.
880
00:48:14,349 --> 00:48:15,893
Anyone here send nudes?
881
00:48:17,936 --> 00:48:20,272
Really? Okay.
882
00:48:21,440 --> 00:48:22,566
So, she sent me nudes.
883
00:48:23,233 --> 00:48:26,320
Of course, wow, seriously,
"You're sexy," things like that.
884
00:48:26,403 --> 00:48:27,946
Then she said to me,
885
00:48:28,780 --> 00:48:30,407
"Can you do a cum tribute?"
886
00:48:31,909 --> 00:48:33,327
Okay, there are two…
887
00:48:34,578 --> 00:48:37,623
They know what it is.
Others are just pretending.
888
00:48:37,706 --> 00:48:41,543
A cum tribute is,
your partner will send you nudes
889
00:48:41,627 --> 00:48:46,089
and they are expecting you to…
890
00:48:46,673 --> 00:48:48,550
you know, masturbate.
891
00:48:49,217 --> 00:48:52,846
And then you ejaculate on the picture.
892
00:48:52,930 --> 00:48:57,351
Then take a picture of it,
that it's on her picture,
893
00:48:57,434 --> 00:48:59,895
then you send it to her
and they get turned on by that.
894
00:48:59,978 --> 00:49:03,065
I don't know why,
but that's the way it is.
895
00:49:03,148 --> 00:49:04,107
You know?
896
00:49:04,191 --> 00:49:07,152
Now, I don't find it weird.
897
00:49:08,153 --> 00:49:12,574
It's just that this kink
is very logistically challenging.
898
00:49:12,658 --> 00:49:15,827
Because you're expecting
that the person you sent the nudes to
899
00:49:15,911 --> 00:49:16,912
has a printer.
900
00:49:19,331 --> 00:49:20,374
Right?
901
00:49:21,166 --> 00:49:22,584
Logistically challenging.
902
00:49:22,668 --> 00:49:27,047
At 3:00 in the morning,
"I want you to cum on this picture."
903
00:49:27,130 --> 00:49:28,215
Right?
904
00:49:28,298 --> 00:49:30,217
I don't have a printer.
905
00:49:30,300 --> 00:49:31,885
You say, "I don't have a printer."
906
00:49:31,969 --> 00:49:33,845
You can't have it printed somewhere else.
907
00:49:35,722 --> 00:49:39,518
If you have a printer at home,
usually it's a family printer.
908
00:49:41,603 --> 00:49:43,063
You'll have to knock.
909
00:49:43,814 --> 00:49:45,065
"Daddy,
910
00:49:46,149 --> 00:49:47,275
are you still up?"
911
00:49:48,819 --> 00:49:52,030
"I need to use the printer.
I sent it to your email."
912
00:49:55,742 --> 00:49:58,620
"I need it printed on A3. A4. Yeah."
913
00:49:59,454 --> 00:50:01,289
Such a big printer for an A3.
914
00:50:02,207 --> 00:50:05,752
What do you expect
if you don't have a printer? Go to a shop?
915
00:50:06,461 --> 00:50:10,007
Have it printed?
Even if they send it early, you can't.
916
00:50:10,090 --> 00:50:13,343
You go to a print shop wearing a hoodie.
917
00:50:14,845 --> 00:50:16,138
"Print this, please."
918
00:50:17,055 --> 00:50:19,641
"What's that, sir?"
"Picture. Yes, a picture."
919
00:50:19,725 --> 00:50:23,145
"What size, sir? Wallet size?"
920
00:50:23,228 --> 00:50:24,980
"A3, sir?"
921
00:50:25,063 --> 00:50:27,441
"What size, sir? Oh, these are nudes!"
922
00:50:28,358 --> 00:50:29,693
"You want matte? Glossy?"
923
00:50:30,235 --> 00:50:34,322
"What is this, sir? Nudes?
Is this for a cum tribute?"
924
00:50:35,240 --> 00:50:36,408
Cum tribute.
925
00:50:36,491 --> 00:50:37,993
"Sir, want it laminated?"
926
00:50:40,537 --> 00:50:44,249
"So if it's laminated and you cum on it,
927
00:50:44,916 --> 00:50:47,169
and you don't like how your cum looks,
928
00:50:47,919 --> 00:50:49,087
you just wipe it off."
929
00:50:51,798 --> 00:50:55,719
"And do it again. Right?
You don't have to come back here."
930
00:50:56,845 --> 00:50:59,389
"Sir, do you want a clear sliding folder?"
931
00:51:00,265 --> 00:51:03,769
"Clear sliding folder, sir,
if you have lots of partners."
932
00:51:03,852 --> 00:51:05,062
"Different nudes."
933
00:51:05,145 --> 00:51:08,648
"You only ejaculate once
and just change the pictures."
934
00:51:10,150 --> 00:51:11,902
"Just arrange the positioning
935
00:51:12,611 --> 00:51:14,821
to what you prefer, sir, right?"
936
00:51:14,905 --> 00:51:18,575
"Maybe when you have a lot of cum,
you don't want it to go to waste."
937
00:51:18,658 --> 00:51:19,993
"It may not happen again."
938
00:51:20,494 --> 00:51:22,579
"Just exchange the picture, right?"
939
00:51:22,662 --> 00:51:24,581
"Then, you can send it to lots of people!"
940
00:51:24,664 --> 00:51:26,208
"Right? Sliding folder."
941
00:51:26,291 --> 00:51:29,503
Right?
It's really logistically challenging.
942
00:51:29,586 --> 00:51:32,839
So I told my chatmate,
"Sorry, I don't have a printer."
943
00:51:33,965 --> 00:51:38,136
She said, "Oh, no, most guys,
they just do it on their phones."
944
00:51:41,890 --> 00:51:43,809
On their phones?
945
00:51:44,392 --> 00:51:47,145
Damn, on my cell phone. I use it for work.
946
00:51:48,396 --> 00:51:50,315
What if the next day
while emailing in bed,
947
00:51:50,398 --> 00:51:51,733
it falls on my face?
948
00:51:52,818 --> 00:51:54,778
"Damn, I ejaculated on this yesterday."
949
00:51:56,696 --> 00:51:57,614
Right?
950
00:51:58,323 --> 00:52:02,119
Besides, what if it breaks my cell phone?
951
00:52:02,202 --> 00:52:04,287
What will I say when I go to Greenhills?
952
00:52:07,249 --> 00:52:09,334
"Sir, what happened to it?"
953
00:52:09,417 --> 00:52:11,169
"It just got broken, man."
954
00:52:12,712 --> 00:52:14,339
"What's this? Cum tribute?"
955
00:52:18,176 --> 00:52:20,512
"You should have put
tempered glass on it."
956
00:52:24,474 --> 00:52:26,601
"That's what you should do to protect it."
957
00:52:26,685 --> 00:52:29,396
"Look. I'll demonstrate it here.
This has tempered glass."
958
00:52:32,232 --> 00:52:34,484
"I ejaculated on it four times yesterday."
959
00:52:35,152 --> 00:52:36,278
"No problem."
960
00:52:36,987 --> 00:52:37,863
Right?
961
00:52:37,946 --> 00:52:40,365
And in all honesty, fine.
962
00:52:40,448 --> 00:52:43,160
If you ejaculate on your cell phone, fine.
963
00:52:43,243 --> 00:52:46,496
You agreed. You do it on your phone.
How do you take a picture of it?
964
00:52:47,747 --> 00:52:49,916
You'll knock on your father again. "Dad,
965
00:52:50,750 --> 00:52:52,335
are you awake? Lend me your phone."
966
00:52:53,044 --> 00:52:55,338
"I'll just take a picture.
Then you can delete it."
967
00:52:55,422 --> 00:52:57,090
"AirDrop it to me."
968
00:52:58,049 --> 00:52:58,967
Right?
969
00:52:59,050 --> 00:53:01,678
But actually,
970
00:53:02,304 --> 00:53:03,430
I have this story.
971
00:53:03,513 --> 00:53:06,391
The first time it happened,
I got so excited.
972
00:53:06,474 --> 00:53:09,728
Then I realized,
when I ejaculated on my cell phone,
973
00:53:11,021 --> 00:53:12,689
how could I take a picture?
974
00:53:14,191 --> 00:53:15,650
I said, "Oh, fuck!"
975
00:53:16,484 --> 00:53:18,195
"What will I do?"
976
00:53:18,278 --> 00:53:22,157
It was funny because I saw
my reflection in my bedroom mirror.
977
00:53:22,240 --> 00:53:25,744
The reflection of me
while I'm lifting my laptop.
978
00:53:28,163 --> 00:53:29,664
It's on Photo Booth.
979
00:53:30,957 --> 00:53:35,003
Then I turn the webcam over to…
980
00:53:36,713 --> 00:53:39,716
I wish it wasn't real,
but it really happened.
981
00:53:40,967 --> 00:53:44,012
She's happy. Like, "Wow, this looks good."
982
00:53:44,095 --> 00:53:46,056
Of course, it has tempered glass.
983
00:53:49,017 --> 00:53:50,268
Wow.
984
00:53:57,901 --> 00:53:59,277
That's very obscene.
985
00:54:00,487 --> 00:54:02,405
Filipinos really like obscenity.
986
00:54:03,240 --> 00:54:05,367
Even those other stand-ups before,
987
00:54:05,450 --> 00:54:08,703
that's really their calling card,
that obscene stuff.
988
00:54:08,787 --> 00:54:12,165
'Cause we are repressed, technically.
We are repressed as a nation.
989
00:54:12,249 --> 00:54:15,043
We're a Catholic nation. Very repressed.
990
00:54:15,126 --> 00:54:19,422
And I always talk about
the real Filipino experience
991
00:54:19,506 --> 00:54:20,423
during my set.
992
00:54:21,049 --> 00:54:23,301
I feel like I represent us well.
993
00:54:23,385 --> 00:54:27,305
I represent what's really happening
or, like, I talk about it.
994
00:54:27,389 --> 00:54:30,558
If you've seen it before, I talk about…
995
00:54:30,642 --> 00:54:32,185
religious jokes sometimes,
996
00:54:32,269 --> 00:54:34,187
life as a single person
in the Philippines,
997
00:54:34,271 --> 00:54:36,523
life as a fat person in the Philippines.
998
00:54:36,606 --> 00:54:39,859
And I think it's nice
999
00:54:39,943 --> 00:54:43,071
to have Fil-Am comedians who represent us,
1000
00:54:43,154 --> 00:54:47,409
but they do not represent
our real culture here in the Philippines.
1001
00:54:47,492 --> 00:54:48,785
You know that, right?
1002
00:54:48,868 --> 00:54:50,412
That's why I fight for it.
1003
00:54:51,204 --> 00:54:52,289
Not just me.
1004
00:54:52,372 --> 00:54:56,584
There's a big scene on the rise now
in the Philippines for stand-up comedy.
1005
00:54:56,668 --> 00:54:58,128
Thanks, Comedy Manila.
1006
00:54:58,211 --> 00:54:59,796
If you watch shows.
1007
00:55:00,422 --> 00:55:03,717
Yes, there are lots
of Filipino stand-up comedians
1008
00:55:03,800 --> 00:55:07,262
who share stories of their culture
from their point of view,
1009
00:55:07,345 --> 00:55:08,638
the life they've lived.
1010
00:55:08,722 --> 00:55:10,598
So when you watch shows,
1011
00:55:10,682 --> 00:55:14,227
maybe you can relate to more comedians
'cause you can relate to the culture.
1012
00:55:14,311 --> 00:55:17,230
Like with me, a lot of fat
and handsome people can relate.
1013
00:55:17,314 --> 00:55:18,315
Right?
1014
00:55:19,316 --> 00:55:20,150
There.
1015
00:55:20,233 --> 00:55:22,319
That's why it is also part of my set.
1016
00:55:22,402 --> 00:55:26,072
People ask me, "Do you make jokes
about religion? Isn't it offensive?"
1017
00:55:26,156 --> 00:55:27,407
That's part of our culture.
1018
00:55:27,490 --> 00:55:31,077
So for me, I talk about growing up
as a Catholic boy, dude.
1019
00:55:31,161 --> 00:55:34,331
Catholic school, Catholic upbringing.
1020
00:55:34,414 --> 00:55:38,043
Honestly, I have no problem
with the Catholic church.
1021
00:55:38,126 --> 00:55:40,253
I'm actually amazed
by the Catholic church.
1022
00:55:40,337 --> 00:55:42,005
So cool. Right?
1023
00:55:42,088 --> 00:55:47,052
Because it seems like even now,
I still remember all the church songs.
1024
00:55:47,886 --> 00:55:49,346
Church songs are beautiful.
1025
00:55:49,429 --> 00:55:53,266
Though I don't go to mass anymore,
I love them so much.
1026
00:55:53,350 --> 00:55:57,645
And to the point that my grandma
made me leave the church.
1027
00:55:58,188 --> 00:56:03,568
She doesn't take me to church anymore
because she said I worship too intensely.
1028
00:56:04,277 --> 00:56:05,528
I get carried away.
1029
00:56:06,237 --> 00:56:08,406
You know? I worship too hard, dude.
1030
00:56:08,490 --> 00:56:10,700
'Cause the songs are beautiful.
1031
00:56:10,784 --> 00:56:13,953
Give praise to the Lord of all Earth
1032
00:56:14,037 --> 00:56:16,081
Let hearts full of gladness exalt
1033
00:56:16,164 --> 00:56:17,457
Oh, yeah
1034
00:56:17,540 --> 00:56:20,627
Strum your guitars to the music
1035
00:56:20,710 --> 00:56:22,670
With organ and trumpet, rejoice
1036
00:56:22,754 --> 00:56:24,589
"There's a trumpet?" Right?
1037
00:56:26,633 --> 00:56:28,093
Then my grandmother…
1038
00:56:28,843 --> 00:56:30,053
"Get down from there."
1039
00:56:31,012 --> 00:56:32,889
"Why are you standing on your seat?"
1040
00:56:34,557 --> 00:56:37,435
I do this in church. And it's not allowed!
1041
00:56:37,519 --> 00:56:39,729
You're not allowed to worship too much.
1042
00:56:39,813 --> 00:56:42,774
Your worship should be contained. Right?
1043
00:56:42,857 --> 00:56:45,151
I'm expressive, and it's not allowed.
1044
00:56:45,235 --> 00:56:46,903
We have beautiful church songs.
1045
00:56:46,986 --> 00:56:49,030
We can't bop to them. You know?
1046
00:56:49,114 --> 00:56:50,073
Why not?
1047
00:56:50,156 --> 00:56:52,492
"Give Praise to the Lord of All Earth"
1048
00:56:52,575 --> 00:56:55,161
is the "Bohemian Rhapsody"
of the Philippines.
1049
00:56:56,788 --> 00:57:00,500
But we can't go wild and out.
You can't get carried away.
1050
00:57:00,583 --> 00:57:06,089
One of my favorite things to do
as a Catholic is the Visita Iglesia.
1051
00:57:06,172 --> 00:57:07,132
Right?
1052
00:57:07,215 --> 00:57:08,341
Road trip.
1053
00:57:08,425 --> 00:57:11,261
With your family, right?
1054
00:57:11,344 --> 00:57:15,974
You get to taste varieties of ice scramble
from different parts of the Philippines.
1055
00:57:16,057 --> 00:57:18,393
"So this is Bulacan's ice scramble."
1056
00:57:18,476 --> 00:57:20,437
"So this is Laguna's ice scramble."
1057
00:57:20,520 --> 00:57:23,064
Right? Such things. Makes you happy.
1058
00:57:23,148 --> 00:57:25,483
My favorite is reading missalettes.
1059
00:57:26,067 --> 00:57:28,653
Right? Stations of the Cross.
1060
00:57:28,736 --> 00:57:30,113
Really my favorite.
1061
00:57:30,196 --> 00:57:31,823
Then my mother banned me
1062
00:57:32,574 --> 00:57:35,118
because I put "voices"
1063
00:57:35,952 --> 00:57:37,912
on the characters.
1064
00:57:40,415 --> 00:57:41,958
But am I wrong?
1065
00:57:42,750 --> 00:57:43,585
Am I wrong?
1066
00:57:43,668 --> 00:57:47,922
Should Pontius Pilate and Mary Magdalene
have the same voice?
1067
00:57:48,548 --> 00:57:49,966
Is that right?
1068
00:57:50,049 --> 00:57:52,719
Only one monotonous voice the whole time?
1069
00:57:53,511 --> 00:57:55,013
Why can't it be done with…
1070
00:57:55,096 --> 00:57:58,516
I'm wrong because I give motivation?
1071
00:57:59,184 --> 00:58:02,103
Right? And I give background stories
1072
00:58:02,687 --> 00:58:05,482
to the voices of my characters.
1073
00:58:05,565 --> 00:58:07,108
I'm an actor, man.
1074
00:58:08,026 --> 00:58:10,487
I'm a performer. I'm an artist.
1075
00:58:10,570 --> 00:58:14,324
God gave me this talent but I can't use it
to show my love for it?
1076
00:58:14,407 --> 00:58:15,742
Isn't that weird?
1077
00:58:15,825 --> 00:58:17,827
Why can't they let me do it?
1078
00:58:17,911 --> 00:58:20,330
That's why on our last Visita Iglesia,
1079
00:58:20,872 --> 00:58:23,583
I told my mom,
"Mom, please, just one station."
1080
00:58:25,919 --> 00:58:28,922
"Please, just one station.
Please. Just one station."
1081
00:58:29,005 --> 00:58:30,340
"My God, just one."
1082
00:58:30,423 --> 00:58:31,633
She said, "Fine."
1083
00:58:32,300 --> 00:58:34,385
"But if you do it with those voices,
1084
00:58:35,386 --> 00:58:36,888
I'll cut off your balls."
1085
00:58:37,639 --> 00:58:41,184
Yeah, that's how my mom is.
She told me that in church, dude.
1086
00:58:42,143 --> 00:58:44,270
Very wild. Right?
1087
00:58:44,354 --> 00:58:48,191
So she gave me the missalette.
Station 11, man.
1088
00:58:48,274 --> 00:58:50,026
Good station. Solid station.
1089
00:58:51,361 --> 00:58:54,906
Jesus was crucified on the cross
between two thieves.
1090
00:58:54,989 --> 00:58:55,865
Three characters.
1091
00:58:58,660 --> 00:59:00,537
I said, "I can work with this."
1092
00:59:01,037 --> 00:59:03,164
I thought, "Shit, do I just read it
1093
00:59:03,248 --> 00:59:08,586
or do I do what I was put
in the world for, dude?" Right?
1094
00:59:09,295 --> 00:59:11,005
So I saw three characters.
1095
00:59:11,089 --> 00:59:16,761
So finally, when it was my turn,
1096
00:59:16,844 --> 00:59:23,226
I said, "Jesus was crucified
in between two thieves
1097
00:59:23,810 --> 00:59:25,728
and one of the thieves said,
1098
00:59:34,862 --> 00:59:40,159
"Are you not Jesus Christ?"
1099
00:59:41,494 --> 00:59:44,455
"Why don't you use your power…
1100
00:59:46,207 --> 00:59:48,626
and bring us down from here?"
1101
00:59:49,419 --> 00:59:50,837
"Shut up!"
1102
00:59:52,797 --> 00:59:54,424
"Shut up!"
1103
00:59:55,425 --> 00:59:58,219
By this time,
my mom was with another family already.
1104
00:59:59,137 --> 01:00:00,930
She was at Station 3 again.
1105
01:00:01,014 --> 01:00:04,225
"This fucking kid. Useless."
1106
01:00:04,309 --> 01:00:05,893
She repeated the station.
1107
01:00:06,686 --> 01:00:08,605
Right?
1108
01:00:08,688 --> 01:00:10,231
"Shut up!"
1109
01:00:12,025 --> 01:00:13,151
"He…"
1110
01:00:14,485 --> 01:00:18,239
"He is innocent. We are real thieves."
1111
01:00:18,323 --> 01:00:20,033
"He's innocent."
1112
01:00:25,913 --> 01:00:26,873
"Jesus!"
1113
01:00:29,626 --> 01:00:32,962
"Remember my name
when you arrive in Paradise."
1114
01:00:48,978 --> 01:00:51,022
"Yeah, mabuhay, bro. Like…"
1115
01:00:52,106 --> 01:00:55,443
"I won't forget you, bro."
Anyways, thank you so much, guys!
1116
01:00:58,404 --> 01:01:00,615
Fight for your dreams, man!