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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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[muffled crowd laughter]
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[indistinct muffled speech]
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[upbeat music]
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[cheers and applause]
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[muffled dance music]
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♪ ♪
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[Janet Jackson
"The Pleasure Principle"]
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♪ ♪
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[singer vocalizing]
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♪ ♪
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[cheers and applause]
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- Stop. Stop! Stop, stop.
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Seriously, stop.
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Sit down.
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No, none of you. Stand up.
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Uh, I am very bad at endings.
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OK?
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Remember that.
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I can explain myself there.
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That will make a lot more sense
once I explain to you
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what this entire show
is based on.
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So the entire show--do not
worry, it's a very simple show.
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It's a very simple show
based on one very simple,
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humble note.
Yeah?
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00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:11,239
One note from the Notes
application off my iPhone.
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We're all familiar
with the concept, yeah?
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If you don't know what
the Notes application is,
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it's a place where people
of my general age,
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and background,
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and level of mental health go
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to express our deepest,
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darkest, most intimate thoughts.
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Yes?
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Onto what we all know is the
most secure app of all time.
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Is it not?
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The one that's been uploaded
to every fucking Mac device
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you've ever touched
or thought of
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in the past five years, right?
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00:02:41,840 --> 00:02:43,239
So I love the Notes app.
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I want to say it.
I'm a big fan.
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I love the Notes app,
because it's such a fucking
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versatile app, right?
It's a versatile app.
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It can do everything.
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I find it bizarre that it
often platforms, I guess,
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the entire breadth
of the human experience.
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I read so much in the format
of a Notes app, yeah?
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I find it bizarre that I can
read my own shopping list,
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00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:05,559
yeah, in the same general style
and font as I quite often read
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a celebrity apologizing
for making a racial slur, right?
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Get you an app
that can do both, right?
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And I love the Notes app,
because I have come
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to rely on it
purely because the fact--
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and I'll get it out of the way
up top, controversial--
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I hate writing in notebooks.
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OK?
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I hate seeing people
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writing in notebooks.
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I hate seeing people
writing in notebooks in public.
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It's fucking pathetic, yeah?
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I'm saying it.
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The worst comes out of me
when I see someone writing
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in a notebook in public.
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Honestly, it's a little voice
being like, such a clever girl.
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Aren't you so--
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So special...
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[sarcastic whining]
...in your notebook.
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Oh, so--
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Visited by the muse at this
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fucking Five Guys
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in the Westfield Food Court.
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So I put pen to paper there, doll.
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I once saw a woman journaling
on a public beach once.
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Go fuck yourself.
Go fuck yourself.
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How dare you?
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I went up to her,
and I was like, I'm so sorry.
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I didn't realize we had
a writer in our midst.
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Yes!
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Mr. Ernest Hemingway
has graced us
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with his presence.
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Now, if you'll excuse me,
some of us must return
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to taking photos of ourselves
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to send to men
who do not care for our company.
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Good day.
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Some real work to be done, huh?
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I don't know if that's crazy.
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I just hate
writing in notebooks.
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I hate seeing people write.
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I just hate everything about it.
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For me, writing in a notebook,
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it used to fucking
mean something.
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That's what
I'm talking about, right?
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Used to mean
you're a detective.
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Or one other example,
I don't know,
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the Zodiac Killer.
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It's either or, right?
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It just--
I find it bizarre that anyone
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can buy a fucking Moleskine
diary, right?
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You should have to have
a fucking license
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to buy a Moleskine.
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I think there should be
a direct correlation
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between the quality
of your ideas
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and the GSM weight
of your paper.
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And I'll die
on that hill, baby.
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OK?
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I will say that I will admit
to this one thing
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I use a notebook for still,
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and that is that I...
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track my period in a notebook.
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I've taken--yeah,
I've taken that shit off grid.
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I suggest you do the same
as well
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if you experience a period
yourselves.
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Because, personally, I don't
love the idea of those apps
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and the fact that the fat cats
up at Silicon Valley
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know exactly
when I want to kill myself.
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Keep that information
close to your chest, right?
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It's valuable information.
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It's very hard to explain
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to people who do not experience
a period
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how obsessed one can become,
right,
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with tracking your period.
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I don't just track the period.
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I track everything around it
as well.
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I track all the fucking
foods I'm craving,
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all the thoughts I'm feeling.
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And it's so difficult
to express that to someone
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who doesn't have a period.
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And I have to say to them,
my brother,
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if there was something
that happened
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in your balls
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every month
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that made you
want to move to Berlin...
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And start a new life, yeah,
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you'd be listening to a podcast
or two as well.
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So back the fuck off!
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Back off!
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Um...
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I find it bizarre that I wasn't
taught to track my period,
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though, at a younger age.
I find that crazy.
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I didn't start doing that until
I was deep into my 20s, right?
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I--for some reason--
I don't know if it's the same
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in this country,
but in New Zealand,
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for some reason--
the responsibility
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of teaching one about one's
menstrual cycle growing up
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for some reason fell upon
the fucking shoulders
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of the PE teacher.
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I don't know if anyone
else has this.
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So that meant--
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I had an adult man
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called Nick Wilson, yeah--
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bleach blonde hair,
backwards cap,
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fucking Oakley sunglasses
on top.
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You know that look that makes
a cat look like it's got eyes,
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you know?
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He was holding up a little
teacup as a prop, being like,
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you'll bleed a teacups
worth of blood every month.
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And I'd be 11,
being like, into that cup?
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What are you talking about?
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It's insane.
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The PE teacher,
the most emotionally inept
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of the entire fucking faculty.
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It's not even a real
fucking job, man.
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But back to this note.
This note.
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Now, I will tell you
a bit about this note.
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This note I started
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at a rather tricky time
in my life.
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I'll be the first to admit it.
Yeah?
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That's usually when you do
start a note
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in the Notes app of one's phone.
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Uh, I had started living alone
for the first time in my life
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as an adult.
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I went through
a couple of breakups.
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Why not, huh?
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I lost the lid to my KeepCup.
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It was not a banner year
for old Rosie.
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Right?
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So I started this note,
and I started treating it
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almost as, like, this diary.
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I put everything into it.
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Everything I was feeling,
every crazy emotion I was having
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amongst all the other things
you'd put
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in the Notes app, right?
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Like recipes I saw online
or fucking joke ideas,
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everything went into
this one single note, yeah?
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And at certain point last year,
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I was like, fucking hell, man,
this is fucking good.
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There's some good shit
in this note, man.
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I can make it--maybe I can do
a show about this note, yeah?
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I might print out this note.
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Now, I would not recommend that
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to anybody in the room
right now, yeah?
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Because the thing you'll know
about the Notes app
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and notes in the Notes app
is that there is no ending
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to a note in a Notes app.
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But it turns out that
endings are important, yeah?
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Endings are what
give things meaning.
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It gives us a moment to reflect
upon the experience
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we've just had.
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Without endings,
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we have no moment
to sort of learn a lesson.
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We just make the same mistakes
over and over again
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on an endless fucking loop.
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But I did not know this.
I did not know this, right?
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So I, first of all,
first mistake,
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took the note over
to a Microsoft Word document,
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migrated it over.
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Fucking carnage, yeah?
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Formatting is all over the show.
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Fonts are missing.
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00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:48,039
It's not its natural habitat
to see a note
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00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:49,639
in a Microsoft Word document.
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00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:51,399
It's like seeing a fucking
teacher in a supermarket.
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00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:53,119
It's not right.
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00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:55,959
What the fuck
are you doing here, man?
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00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:57,519
So I printed it out.
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00:08:57,520 --> 00:08:58,559
And I didn't check--
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00:08:58,560 --> 00:09:01,959
I didn't check how
many words there were.
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00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:03,679
[laughing] I wrote that.
220
00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:05,159
That just says "good luck."
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00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:07,959
[laughing]
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00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:11,399
Keep it in, you cowards!
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00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:13,999
So I printed out the note
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00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,640
and didn't check how many--
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00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:19,839
Actually how many words,
or how many pages.
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00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:21,599
And so, it started printing.
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00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:26,039
And, um, it kept printing
and kept printing.
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00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:28,959
Print, print, print, print,
print, print, print, print.
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00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:32,399
This printer was literally
addicted to printing, OK?
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00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:34,839
30 pages,
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00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:38,239
size 10 font.
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00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:39,159
Whoo!
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00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:40,999
Now, I don't know
at what point a note
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00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:42,599
goes from being a note
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00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:46,679
to some sort of
unhinged manifesto of sorts.
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00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:50,839
Uh, 16,000 words perhaps?
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00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:53,919
16,000 wor--
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00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:55,919
Valerie Solanas,
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00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:59,079
the woman who shot Andy Warhol,
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her manifesto was 24,000 words.
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All right?
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00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:04,679
And I don't want to toot
my own trumpet,
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00:10:04,680 --> 00:10:08,199
but I could fucking hit that
shit by Christmas if I tried.
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00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:09,759
And I'm gonna tell you
right now,
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00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:13,200
it is not an easy read.
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00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:16,199
I will only share one thing
verbatim from the note
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00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:17,479
to just give you an indication
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00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:20,039
as to my emotional state
at the time of starting it.
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00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:22,559
Um, here it is.
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00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:24,599
And, uh, this has not been
embellished for the show.
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00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:27,039
This is truly how
the entire note starts.
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00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:28,559
Just one sentence,
one simple sentence,
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and it says,
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00:10:29,680 --> 00:10:31,759
"I may have a lot of problems,
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00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:33,359
but at least I have a heart."
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00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:35,119
No, thank you.
No, thank you.
257
00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:36,119
No, thank you.
258
00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:38,319
No, no, no, no, no.
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00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:40,639
No! No!
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00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,360
No, no, no, no.
261
00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:46,719
Not for me that,
as a personality, that.
262
00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:51,119
What sort of Myspace
liminal hell
263
00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:54,799
is this bitch
communicating from?
264
00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:57,399
Uh, and as I say,
265
00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,719
it's not only, you know,
all this emo shit,
266
00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:01,839
it's, like, just random,
normal things mixed up.
267
00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:04,599
Like joke ideas
splayed into--like here,
268
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:07,720
it just says just the word
"cucumbersome."
269
00:11:09,080 --> 00:11:10,159
It's apparently a word
I've invented
270
00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:11,919
for when you're holding
too many cucumbers.
271
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:16,319
So tonally,
it's all over the show.
272
00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:18,879
And what became so clear to me
reading this note, right,
273
00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:22,679
is that I am very bad
at endings, yeah?
274
00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:24,159
I am very bad at things ending.
275
00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:25,799
I'm very bad
at relationships ending.
276
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:27,599
I do not take that too well.
277
00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:30,239
Another example of this,
I'll give you this, um,
278
00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:31,399
it's quite hard
to actually do this,
279
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:33,519
because I can see
a lot of your faces,
280
00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:35,839
and it's a truly vulnerable
thing to admit
281
00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:37,479
because it's entirely true.
282
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:40,279
At a certain point in the most
recent breakup I went through,
283
00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:44,719
I genuinely found myself
googling the phrase,
284
00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:47,079
"can you be broken up with
285
00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:49,559
for being too cool?"
286
00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:52,559
Now--
287
00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:55,599
the cocky energy
of that phrase alone
288
00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:57,679
could power a small village.
289
00:11:57,680 --> 00:11:59,479
Do you understand that?
290
00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:01,039
Incognito mode, of course,
if I fucking--
291
00:12:01,040 --> 00:12:03,079
of course, straight
to incognito mode as well.
292
00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:04,839
I'm not an idiot, right?
293
00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:07,239
Don't want that
purple linking me.
294
00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:09,359
I think incognito mode gets
a bad rap for being the thing
295
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:10,919
you go into when you want to
search something a bit cheeky
296
00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:13,039
but naughty, right?
Not for me. Not for me.
297
00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:15,479
That's where I go
to search my most private
298
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:17,039
anxiety spirals, right,
299
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:19,519
to their natural end
with no paper trail.
300
00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:21,519
But you'll know this,
you get to make it fun
301
00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:25,959
because you get to put on
little hat...
302
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:27,839
and some glasses
303
00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:30,399
and pretend to be someone else
for a while,
304
00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:34,200
when really this is the
truest version of yourself.
305
00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:38,039
So it fully--
306
00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:39,959
and honestly,
it shocked me, I think.
307
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:41,159
It shocked me
that I found myself
308
00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:43,519
googling something like this,
because, look,
309
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:45,439
I am an adult woman.
I am an adult woman.
310
00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:48,319
I have been through heartbreak
before, OK?
311
00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:50,239
I've done it all.
I've done every iteration of it.
312
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:51,359
I've been the dumper.
313
00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:53,039
I've been the dumpee. Yeah?
314
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:55,919
I once got dumped
over the phone during COVID,
315
00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:57,159
which was pretty gnarly.
316
00:12:57,160 --> 00:13:00,639
I like to refer to that
as the reverse Soulja Boy.
317
00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:02,959
Which is a good litmus test
318
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:05,679
to see how many people my age
are in the crowd.
319
00:13:05,680 --> 00:13:08,079
And I'm gonna be honest,
320
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:12,039
that's a--that's--
that's a good amount.
321
00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:15,040
I once dumped a man
on a trampoline.
322
00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:17,319
Not my finest hour.
323
00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:20,319
In my defense, not bouncing.
324
00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:21,599
Sort of just sitting on it.
325
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:27,159
Sort of just, you know,
sadly undulating, I guess.
326
00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:28,759
Don't know if that's worse.
327
00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:31,399
I, uh--I got broken up with
328
00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:32,839
for the reasoning
that the person said to me.
329
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:34,959
He said,
I don't think I love you
330
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:36,559
as much as you love me.
331
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:38,559
I don't love you
as much as you love me.
332
00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:40,159
Brutal, awful, right?
333
00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:42,039
No. Which, then, an hour
later into the breakup
334
00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:43,439
was actually upgraded to,
335
00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:46,319
oh, I actually don't know
if I love you at all.
336
00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:49,639
To which I replied,
I would actually love to accept
337
00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:52,919
your first offer of--
338
00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:54,239
I've actually
talked to my team.
339
00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:55,279
We're actually really happy
with that
340
00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:56,719
if that's still on the table.
341
00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:58,119
It's like "Dragon's Den" where
you have to talk to the wall.
342
00:13:58,120 --> 00:13:59,839
And you're like,
I think we should take it.
343
00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:01,120
I think we should take it.
344
00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:04,759
It's a horrible thing to hear
it said to you, right?
345
00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:08,319
Like, it was a horrible thing
to say to someone's face.
346
00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:10,759
Also, I think it was
a fundamental misunderstanding
347
00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:13,399
between the situation
between this person and myself,
348
00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:15,159
this man and myself.
Because that is true.
349
00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:16,519
If I'm in a relationship
with you,
350
00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:18,719
I fucking love
the shit out of you, man!
351
00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:20,319
Yeah?
Yeah, I'll fucking go hard.
352
00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:23,959
I go hard in the paint
for love--
353
00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:26,079
if that makes sense.
Right?
354
00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:28,879
But what I don't think
this man understands,
355
00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:30,279
and a lot of men
I've been out with
356
00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:31,839
haven't fully quite grasped,
357
00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:33,519
is that I do love them,
358
00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:36,479
but it's actually
how little I respect them.
359
00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:38,199
And do you know what?
360
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,800
And surely that's got to
balance the scales.
361
00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:45,639
Is that too harsh to say?
362
00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:46,999
Of course I respect some men.
363
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:48,760
Jim Henson.
364
00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:53,119
The list goes on.
365
00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:56,279
The list is a work
in progress, OK?
366
00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:58,599
I think what hurt about
hearing it, though, is that I--
367
00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:00,479
I mean, there's an obvious truth
to that statement, right?
368
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:02,079
Because that is true.
I am a romantic person, right.
369
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:03,439
I fucking go hard.
370
00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:05,839
I can't change the fact that
I'm a romantic person, yeah?
371
00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:07,879
I think it's a symptom
of the generation
372
00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:09,279
that I grew up in, right?
373
00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:11,559
I think, as a generation,
we were taught
374
00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:14,319
that romantic love
was the ultimate form of love
375
00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:15,999
to pursue no matter what, right.
376
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,399
And everything we listened to,
and watched, and read,
377
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:19,599
everything taught us
that romantic love
378
00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:21,799
is to be put on a pedestal,
to doggedly pursue
379
00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:23,199
no matter what the cost.
380
00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:25,519
And I think it's fucked me up
as an adult person, right?
381
00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:27,679
'Cause It's turned me into
this person who looks back
382
00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:29,319
to past relationships,
relationships that didn't
383
00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:31,919
work out,
that were actively bad for me.
384
00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:33,199
But I still look back
with these sort of
385
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:34,799
rose-tinted glasses, right?
386
00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:36,719
Almost like a little truffle,
but going back in time
387
00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:39,119
to hunt in my memory for
little moments of euphoric love
388
00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:41,159
to sort of chomp on
years and years later
389
00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:43,119
for a little hit of dopamine
in the present.
390
00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:44,719
And it's fucking pathetic, right?
391
00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:46,959
'Cause it feels like going
through an advent calendar
392
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:48,599
I've already eaten, yeah?
393
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:51,639
Just to rip open little
cardboard perforated doors
394
00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:53,359
to stare at a plastic mold
395
00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:56,759
and desperately try to remember
what the chocolate tasted like!
396
00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:58,839
Not all of these will be jokes!
397
00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:00,119
OK?
398
00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:01,079
Some of them--
399
00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:03,639
[cheering]
No!
400
00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:07,359
Some of them will be very sad
poems that don't rhyme.
401
00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:08,599
All right?
402
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:12,320
That's the most one-woman show
I get, I promise.
403
00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:14,519
But you know what I mean?
404
00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:16,999
I think--I think
the generation below us now
405
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:18,679
have a very different idea
when it comes to romance.
406
00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:20,079
I don't know
if it's any better.
407
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:22,599
It's this--
I've noticed this online
408
00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:25,079
that I've never sounded older
409
00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:26,999
in my entire life.
410
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:28,479
What are the young'uns
are doing online?
411
00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:30,959
I've noticed this thing--
412
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:33,879
is this concept
of romanticizing
413
00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:35,439
your own life, right?
414
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:37,679
I don't know if some people
know about this.
415
00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:40,199
If you don't,
basically the concept is that
416
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,199
what you've got to do is you've
got to add the romance
417
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:44,279
to every little mundane thing
in your life.
418
00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:45,879
Just go and make
it romantic, yeah?
419
00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:47,639
So just make everything
romantic and fun.
420
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:50,079
So it'll be like make up
and then make a cup of tea.
421
00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:51,719
Make a cup of tea,
but make it cute.
422
00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:52,719
Make it cute.
423
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:55,439
Maybe you could do
the little doily.
424
00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:56,559
Well, you do it.
425
00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:59,399
Or you can maybe make it in
a little antique teapot
426
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:01,799
from fucking 1998.
427
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:04,039
Leonardo.
428
00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:06,079
Or maybe you can wear a little
nightgown while you do it
429
00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:07,599
so you're like a little fucking
Victorian ghost
430
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:09,479
or some shit, right?
431
00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:10,679
Romanticize your own life.
432
00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:12,879
It'd be something like
maybe you go to a café...
433
00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:15,959
[giggles]
And you write a note.
434
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:18,439
And the note,
it'd be like, have a nice day.
435
00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:19,999
And someone might find it,
and read it,
436
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:21,839
and feel good about themselves.
437
00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:24,079
Romanticize your own life.
438
00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:27,199
Now, this is a genuine question,
439
00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:29,519
and I ask it with love.
440
00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:32,919
Are the children well?
441
00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:33,959
Do you know what I mean?
442
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:36,319
Because this is--
it's kind of insane.
443
00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:37,159
I love them.
444
00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:39,239
I love the children.
I love the kids.
445
00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:42,399
But guys, you got to get your
fucking heads in the game,
446
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:44,959
because you're gonna be fighting
for water reserves,
447
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:47,159
"Mad Max" style,
448
00:17:47,160 --> 00:17:49,079
in, I want to say,
two months time.
449
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:51,679
So enough with the shit, right?
450
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:53,919
It is--I think it's like a--
I kind of think
451
00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:56,239
it's a generational
trauma response, right,
452
00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:58,359
to a crumbling world
around them,
453
00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:02,239
which I think has resulted
in a level of whimsy
454
00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:05,479
I have not encountered
in years, OK?
455
00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:06,999
And I fucking know whimsy!
456
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:08,199
I grew up in the 2010s!
457
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,319
I fucking know whimsy!
458
00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:13,519
I'm part of the
"Amélie" generation.
459
00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:14,679
Je suis, Amélie.
460
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:16,599
Justice for Amélie.
461
00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:19,119
She's a good bitch.
462
00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:21,639
Amélie, to women of my age,
she's our Travis Bickle.
463
00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:24,119
She really is.
464
00:18:24,120 --> 00:18:28,079
Yeah, that joke gets absolutely
nothing every time I do it,
465
00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:30,279
and yet I continue doing it.
466
00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:32,560
And that's what courage is, OK?
467
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:36,519
I just think
it's just so sweet, though.
468
00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:38,599
It's just so sweet,
because these children
469
00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:40,159
almost act as if
they've invented
470
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:42,079
the very concept of whimsy, right.
471
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:44,679
And I have to be like,
my child, my child,
472
00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:46,439
let me ask you a question.
473
00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:47,639
Have you--
474
00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:49,279
have you ever worn
475
00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:52,119
a top hat
476
00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:55,599
at the height of summer
477
00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:59,279
to a Panic! at the Disco concert
478
00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:02,719
to impress a bisexual boy
who hates you?
479
00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:03,959
All right.
480
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:06,399
I have done things that
would make you shudder!
481
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:07,999
I know whimsy!
482
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:11,080
[laughing]
Respect your elders.
483
00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:12,999
I, uh,
484
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,439
if you don't know this concept,
485
00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:16,079
the romanticize
your own life thing,
486
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:17,439
I think you may be familiar
with things
487
00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:19,839
that kind of fall under the
umbrella of this sometimes.
488
00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:22,679
You may notice this
in the algorithms--
489
00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:25,119
the idea of dating yourself.
490
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:27,159
I don't know if
anyone has encountered this.
491
00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:31,119
It's a fucking rancid
concept, yeah?
492
00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:33,119
'Cause I think
it's aggressively targeted
493
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:36,159
towards specifically
single people in the algorithm.
494
00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:37,999
And the idea behind that
is that what you've got to do
495
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:39,439
is you can't wait sometimes.
496
00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:40,839
You can't wait for someone to
take you out on a date, yeah?
497
00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:42,039
What you just got to do,
you got to take yourself
498
00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:43,039
out there, girl.
499
00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:45,839
Pop on a little bit of lippy.
500
00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:47,679
[chuckles]
Pop on a little black dress.
501
00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:48,959
Yeah?
502
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:51,239
And you're just gonna go out
and by yourself, yeah?
503
00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:53,999
Go to a museum
on your tod, hmm?
504
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:57,760
Go for a meal alone,
if you can fathom it.
505
00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:01,559
Now, I don't know what I missed
506
00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:03,719
in the past 10 years or so,
507
00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:05,159
but the last time I checked,
508
00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:07,479
that concept was just
509
00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:11,519
fucking living
your goddamned life!
510
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:15,079
What the fuck has happened to us
as a society,
511
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:16,879
where we have become
so disconnected
512
00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:18,719
with the idea of solitude
513
00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:22,079
that we can no longer do
anything by ourselves anymore
514
00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:24,239
without reframing it
within the context
515
00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:26,759
of being in a relationship
516
00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:28,799
with oneself?
517
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:30,119
Sorry!
518
00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:33,319
Do you think--
sorry, do you think--
519
00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:37,199
do you really think,
when you see...
520
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:40,320
an old Italian man...
521
00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:46,159
Sitting down on a piazza,
522
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:47,919
having a little red wine,
523
00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:49,359
a little cigarette,
524
00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:52,239
do you genuinely think that man
525
00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:55,559
is thinking to himself,
526
00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:59,799
just took myself
on a little date, you know?
527
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:00,719
Self-care.
528
00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:02,600
[speaking Italian]
529
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:05,240
No!
530
00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:09,159
I think the weirdest one,
though, by far, I will say,
531
00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:11,239
that has gone through this
rebrand of doing something
532
00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:14,279
to oneself, um, is masturbation.
533
00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:15,599
Has to be.
534
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:18,239
The rebrand of being in
a relationship with oneself,
535
00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:19,479
rather, is masturbation.
536
00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:21,959
We call that having sex
with ourselves now.
537
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:23,679
No, thank you. Not for me.
538
00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:26,159
Not for me, that phrase.
539
00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:28,199
It's got a real single parents
alone together vibe
540
00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:30,319
to that phrase
that I don't love.
541
00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:31,399
You know?
542
00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:34,719
Also, I hate myself,
let alone want to fuck her.
543
00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:37,279
Do you what I mean?
Like...
544
00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:40,359
it's bad branding for those with
low self-esteem, right.
545
00:21:40,360 --> 00:21:41,479
And again, I think it speaks
to this idea
546
00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:42,639
that we just can't
call something
547
00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:43,919
for what it is anymore, man.
548
00:21:43,920 --> 00:21:45,199
Just call--
549
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:47,759
it's call--
just call a wank, a wank, man.
550
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:49,079
It's a fucking wank.
551
00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:50,439
It doesn't need to be
anything more, anything less.
552
00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:52,039
It's just this--
let's stop making--
553
00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:54,919
let's stop making
everything special, yeah?
554
00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:57,480
Don't--don't light a candle.
555
00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:02,199
Can we agree on that
in the room right now?
556
00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:07,079
Don't light a candle
to have a wank, OK?
557
00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:09,839
The only times
you should light a candle
558
00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:12,799
in this life are if someone dies
559
00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:14,039
or takes a shit.
560
00:22:14,040 --> 00:22:16,639
And that is all.
561
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:18,159
OK?
562
00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:20,719
So what was I saying?
563
00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:23,359
Oh, yes, I'm a romantic person.
564
00:22:23,360 --> 00:22:24,599
Clearly.
565
00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:27,239
And so, in my early 20s, I, uh--
about 10 years ago,
566
00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:29,599
my early 20s,
I did what any romantic person
567
00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:31,159
would do, obviously.
568
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:33,679
And that is that I moved
to London,
569
00:22:33,680 --> 00:22:35,439
the City of Love.
570
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:36,799
[cheering]
571
00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:39,919
Sorry,
that's supposed to be a joke.
572
00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:42,039
Have you been here?
573
00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:44,359
What the fuck is that?
Um...
574
00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:46,399
I moved to London
because of love.
575
00:22:46,400 --> 00:22:47,719
Classic me.
576
00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:49,159
And it was really hard to,
I think,
577
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:51,039
explain to my family
and friends that--
578
00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:53,439
or I guess reassure them
that I was gonna be fine.
579
00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:54,719
I was a young woman
moving to the other side
580
00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:55,679
of the world, right?
581
00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:57,359
And very early on
I found this quote, right,
582
00:22:57,360 --> 00:22:59,879
this incredible quote,
that really sort of summed up
583
00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:01,999
the experience of what it is
like to live
584
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:03,799
in a bustling city like London.
585
00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:07,319
And it came from the Russian
socialist Alexander Herzen,
586
00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:10,479
when he put it just perfectly
about London life,
587
00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:14,239
when he said, "There is no town
in the world more adapted"
588
00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:16,079
"training one away from people
589
00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:20,279
"and for training one
into solitude than London.
590
00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:22,639
"The manner of life,
the distances, the climate,
591
00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:25,399
"the very multitude of
population in which personality
592
00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:27,519
"vanishes, all this
together with an absence
593
00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:30,199
"of continental diversion,
conduces, to the same effect.
594
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:33,159
"One who knows how to live alone
has nothing to fear
595
00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:35,119
"from the tedium of London.
596
00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:36,759
"The life here,
like the air here,
597
00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:38,799
is bad for the weak,
for the frail,
598
00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:41,399
"for one who seeks a prop
outside himself,
599
00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:44,839
for one who looks for
welcome, sympathy, attention."
600
00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:47,119
But I love the buses.
601
00:23:47,120 --> 00:23:48,639
That was me, not him.
Um...
602
00:23:48,640 --> 00:23:51,039
Fuck the tube!
Fuck the tube!
603
00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:52,639
I'm on the bus, where it's at.
604
00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:55,119
For me, I think a London bus,
that's where the fucking stuff
605
00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:56,639
of life happens, man.
606
00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:57,679
Do you know what I mean?
607
00:23:57,680 --> 00:24:00,119
Like the godda--four kids
crying their eyes out
608
00:24:00,120 --> 00:24:01,599
on the bottom deck of a bus.
609
00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:03,599
That's the stuff of life, yeah?
610
00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:06,759
A man clipping his fingernails
611
00:24:06,760 --> 00:24:10,799
for so long that at some point
you kind of have to assume
612
00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:12,439
he has moved on to the toes.
613
00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:13,759
Yeah?
614
00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:15,599
SOL, baby.
615
00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:18,039
I was on my favorite bus
the other day, the 73.
616
00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:19,719
Shout out to 73.
Yeah!
617
00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:23,079
A couple fans. Classy bus.
618
00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:26,320
That's gonna go crazy in an
international market, I think.
619
00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:29,999
73!
620
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:31,599
I love the 73.
It's my favorite bus,
621
00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:33,799
but I think something
that happened on the 73
622
00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:36,519
recently really
sort of summed up
623
00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:39,599
the kind of experience of
how jaded one can become
624
00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:41,039
living in a city like London.
625
00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:42,799
And it was that this guy
came on the 73,
626
00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:44,239
and he had
a really good sound system,
627
00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:45,239
he had a really great speaker,
and he was playing
628
00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:46,959
that song "Cheerleader."
You know?
629
00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:48,519
♪ I think that I found-- ♪
630
00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:49,599
Great song.
631
00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:52,239
He was blasting that while
also yelling at all of us
632
00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:55,479
that he wanted to kill us all.
633
00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:58,799
It was a real juxtaposition
of vibes, I feel.
634
00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:01,679
It's like, pick a lane, mate.
You know?
635
00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:03,199
But that wasn't even
the funny bit.
636
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:06,719
What was so funny, and
what I found myself laughing at
637
00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:07,839
at the back of the bus,
638
00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:09,679
was that it became so clear
so immediately
639
00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:14,159
that this man had clearly
not paid for Spotify Premium.
640
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:16,679
And so--
[laughing]
641
00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:19,399
I don't know if anyone's ever
had their life threatened
642
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:21,959
to them before to the tune
of a fucking Hello Fresh ad,
643
00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:26,599
but it is a weird experience, right.
644
00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:28,679
But that's what I love
about London, man.
645
00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:30,719
I love London.
It's a place for me.
646
00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:32,919
It's an introvert's dream,
London.
647
00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:35,839
And I'm an introvert.
That's why I love it.
648
00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:37,319
I love being an introvert.
649
00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:38,639
I'm proud of it.
650
00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:39,839
I hate extroverts.
651
00:25:39,840 --> 00:25:43,679
I find them both frightening
and boring at the same time.
652
00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:46,999
I think, when you're younger,
a certain level of extroversion
653
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:48,519
is kind of forced upon you,
654
00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:50,399
even if you're an introvert
when you're in your 20s.
655
00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:52,239
I dated a lot more in my 20s.
656
00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:53,879
I did that.
That was fine.
657
00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:55,839
That was fine. It was great.
658
00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:56,839
It was fine.
659
00:25:56,840 --> 00:25:58,319
Dating in London
in your 20s is fine.
660
00:25:58,320 --> 00:26:00,319
I will say this, though, and
that is that the only downside
661
00:26:00,320 --> 00:26:03,239
to that is that quite often
dating in London,
662
00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:04,719
what that does mean, is that
663
00:26:04,720 --> 00:26:07,079
you will often date British men.
And--
664
00:26:07,080 --> 00:26:11,719
[deep voice]
No disrespect, no disrespect.
665
00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:13,959
[normal voice]
But for me, personally,
666
00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:15,159
I'll say this,
667
00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:17,879
the experience of dating
British men sometimes,
668
00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:24,119
for me, felt like some form of
international diplomacy scheme
669
00:26:24,120 --> 00:26:27,799
in which I had been sent
from the islands
670
00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:30,079
to come over here
and teach men
671
00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:33,759
who went to boarding school
how to cry.
672
00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:36,239
Unpaid! Unpaid!
673
00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:37,639
No.
674
00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:40,439
Sort of like reverse colonialism
but make it fun,
675
00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:41,559
you know what I mean?
676
00:26:41,560 --> 00:26:43,119
A bit jaunty.
677
00:26:43,120 --> 00:26:45,159
And it was just--
it was a shocking experience.
678
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:46,519
It was a culture shock to me.
679
00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:51,159
Because I had never met
a proper posh person in my life.
680
00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:52,159
I'm from New Zealand.
681
00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:53,999
We don't fucking do posh people.
682
00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:56,839
What--what the fuck is
going on
683
00:26:56,840 --> 00:26:57,839
with that lot?
684
00:26:57,840 --> 00:27:00,639
Seriously, genuinely.
685
00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:02,719
Some of them have family crests.
686
00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:04,639
I'm sorry.
687
00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:06,559
What are you talking about?
688
00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:07,879
My family does not have a crest
689
00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:10,159
if that is any indication
as to my family's
690
00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:11,399
level of wealth or background.
691
00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:13,159
If my family had a crest,
right,
692
00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:15,799
I think I imagine what it would
look like is that in one corner
693
00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:17,999
it would just be like
a picture of a box
694
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:20,359
of off-brand corn flakes, yeah,
695
00:27:20,360 --> 00:27:23,079
a marijuana leaf,
696
00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:24,879
and whatever the Latin word is
697
00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:29,839
for "undiagnosed"
just proudly under there.
698
00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:31,959
A few of the clan in tonight,
I see.
699
00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:33,600
That's good.
700
00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:37,239
It's just crazy, 'cause, the
thing is, posh people, they--
701
00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:38,239
this is the problem, isn't it?
702
00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:40,119
They also--
they go under the radar.
703
00:27:40,120 --> 00:27:42,719
They're very hard
to spot sometimes, right,
704
00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:44,759
'cause they're hiding in
plain sight a lot of the time.
705
00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:47,519
I have found the best time
to catch them is Christmas.
706
00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:49,559
Always. Every time.
707
00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:50,959
That's when they come out
of their shells.
708
00:27:50,960 --> 00:27:52,799
That's when you get to see
into their living rooms,
709
00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:54,039
into their family photographs, right.
710
00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:55,959
Posh people are obsessed
with Christmas
711
00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:57,519
because they get to go back
and see their parents.
712
00:27:57,520 --> 00:27:58,839
'Cause they're, again, obsessed
with their parents.
713
00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:00,239
Again, I don't understand that.
714
00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:01,559
You're not supposed to fucking
keep hanging out with them.
715
00:28:01,560 --> 00:28:02,719
That's not the point.
716
00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:05,279
But they're all like, I
I love my mommy and daddy.
717
00:28:05,280 --> 00:28:06,679
[laughing]
718
00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:08,480
It's crazy, right?
719
00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:10,839
And I know you're not
supposed to judge anyone
720
00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:12,279
from what they come from.
721
00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:13,639
You're supposed to judge them
on who they are.
722
00:28:13,640 --> 00:28:15,919
But I will say, a lot of the
times I look at these family
723
00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:18,479
Christmas photos,
a lot of my own friends,
724
00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:20,159
and I love you guys,
but I will say,
725
00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:21,719
a lot of the times
your girlfriends...
726
00:28:21,720 --> 00:28:24,799
♪ Look like your sister ♪
727
00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:28,639
♪ She looks so much
like your sister ♪
728
00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:29,919
That's Shania Twain.
729
00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:32,159
I don't know if you caught that.
730
00:28:32,160 --> 00:28:33,999
No, no, it's fine.
That's the original song.
731
00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:35,600
She did a cover of mine.
732
00:28:37,760 --> 00:28:40,199
That's quite unnecessarily
actually harsh on posh people.
733
00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:42,599
I do think that British
people, in general,
734
00:28:42,600 --> 00:28:47,279
are obsessed with Christmas
in a way I find embarrassing,
735
00:28:47,280 --> 00:28:48,599
I think.
736
00:28:48,600 --> 00:28:49,439
Do you know what I mean?
737
00:28:49,440 --> 00:28:52,479
If I meet another man
in his mid-30s
738
00:28:52,480 --> 00:28:53,799
who is like,
739
00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:56,360
I love "Elf," you know?
740
00:28:57,400 --> 00:29:01,359
That's my favorite--I love
watching "Elf" with my mummy.
741
00:29:01,360 --> 00:29:04,639
If I meet another man like that,
I will buy a gun.
742
00:29:04,640 --> 00:29:06,079
I'll buy a gun.
743
00:29:06,080 --> 00:29:07,359
I won't use it.
744
00:29:07,360 --> 00:29:10,439
I just want to have it,
you know?
745
00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:12,439
Uh, so yeah,
so I did date in my 20s.
746
00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:13,399
And you know what?
747
00:29:13,400 --> 00:29:16,119
I'd say, on the whole,
dating in one's 20s
748
00:29:16,120 --> 00:29:19,399
is so much easier than
dating in your 30s, right?
749
00:29:19,400 --> 00:29:22,039
Because for me, again,
I'll say this about myself,
750
00:29:22,040 --> 00:29:24,759
in my early 20s, right,
dating was a lot easier
751
00:29:24,760 --> 00:29:30,159
because I had not one
principle
752
00:29:30,160 --> 00:29:33,079
or value to speak of
at that age.
753
00:29:33,080 --> 00:29:35,119
And I've found it's a real asset
when it comes to dating
754
00:29:35,120 --> 00:29:36,519
in a city like London.
755
00:29:36,520 --> 00:29:38,479
Any level of self esteem,
real cock block.
756
00:29:38,480 --> 00:29:40,159
Would not recommend.
757
00:29:40,160 --> 00:29:41,719
'Cause the thing is,
I was, like, so--
758
00:29:41,720 --> 00:29:44,599
I-I was so willing to change
myself to be whatever
759
00:29:44,600 --> 00:29:46,119
this person wanted me to be.
760
00:29:46,120 --> 00:29:47,439
The person I wanted to be with,
I would just change myself,
761
00:29:47,440 --> 00:29:48,879
do whatever
they wanted me to be.
762
00:29:48,880 --> 00:29:49,999
Like, I would just ask them.
763
00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:51,119
I'd just straight up
asked them sometimes.
764
00:29:51,120 --> 00:29:52,119
What do you want?
What do you want from me?
765
00:29:52,120 --> 00:29:53,199
And I would do it.
I would do it.
766
00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:54,239
I'm very malleable.
I'm like Play-Doh!
767
00:29:54,240 --> 00:29:55,879
Just mold me into
what you want from me.
768
00:29:55,880 --> 00:29:56,999
I know I'm very tall.
I can be so small.
769
00:29:57,000 --> 00:29:59,079
I can be so tiny.
I could squeeze myself.
770
00:29:59,080 --> 00:30:00,519
I'd be a tiny woman,
like a Thumbelina
771
00:30:00,520 --> 00:30:02,839
or a little Anne Geddes baby,
sort of in a calendar,
772
00:30:02,840 --> 00:30:04,679
in a tulip,
barely able to support
773
00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:06,759
the weight of her own neck
or can't open her eyes.
774
00:30:06,760 --> 00:30:07,759
A tiny, tiny woman!
775
00:30:07,760 --> 00:30:08,919
Or I could be
something different!
776
00:30:08,920 --> 00:30:10,279
I could do something
like I could be sassy.
777
00:30:10,280 --> 00:30:11,479
I could be, like, a sassy
woman for you if you want that!
778
00:30:11,480 --> 00:30:13,479
I could say stuff like,
well, you think that?
779
00:30:13,480 --> 00:30:16,919
Well, how about this?
780
00:30:16,920 --> 00:30:18,799
I will do anything!
781
00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:19,799
Anything!
Just tell me what
782
00:30:19,800 --> 00:30:21,239
you want me to do,
and I'll do it.
783
00:30:21,240 --> 00:30:25,719
And apparently you should say
none of that on a first date,
784
00:30:25,720 --> 00:30:27,639
especially at a bowling alley
785
00:30:27,640 --> 00:30:29,559
from across the lanes.
786
00:30:29,560 --> 00:30:30,719
And I respect that.
787
00:30:30,720 --> 00:30:32,959
And I respect the staff
at Rowans for enforcing that.
788
00:30:32,960 --> 00:30:35,239
So...
789
00:30:35,240 --> 00:30:36,639
Uh...
[chuckles]
790
00:30:36,640 --> 00:30:38,319
It was just--it was just
so much easier, right?
791
00:30:38,320 --> 00:30:39,919
It was so much easier to date
in your 20s, right?
792
00:30:39,920 --> 00:30:41,279
Everything gets a little harder.
793
00:30:41,280 --> 00:30:45,079
I think, like, I think
it's because, as you get older,
794
00:30:45,080 --> 00:30:49,159
right, the way in which
you kind of conceive love
795
00:30:49,160 --> 00:30:50,479
or think of love changes.
796
00:30:50,480 --> 00:30:52,919
The ways you want to express
love very subtly change
797
00:30:52,920 --> 00:30:53,919
once you hit 30.
798
00:30:53,920 --> 00:30:54,959
It starts to be stuff like,
799
00:30:54,960 --> 00:30:55,959
I want to fucking
make you a chutney!
800
00:30:55,960 --> 00:30:56,959
You know what I mean?
801
00:30:56,960 --> 00:30:58,319
Like, that's how
you want to show it!
802
00:30:58,320 --> 00:31:00,959
Right, or the things you're
looking for change as well.
803
00:31:00,960 --> 00:31:04,119
Now, I'm looking for someone
who gives me the feeling
804
00:31:04,120 --> 00:31:06,239
that I get when I see
my fucking suitcase
805
00:31:06,240 --> 00:31:08,879
come around the baggage claim
at an airport,
806
00:31:08,880 --> 00:31:12,079
where I'm like,
that's my fucking suitcase!
807
00:31:12,080 --> 00:31:13,559
And everyone's like, it looks
like every other suitcase.
808
00:31:13,560 --> 00:31:16,639
And you're like, no,
but that's my suitcase!
809
00:31:16,640 --> 00:31:18,760
I put my stuff in it!
810
00:31:21,800 --> 00:31:23,759
That's what I want
to feel, right?
811
00:31:23,760 --> 00:31:28,279
And it just gets so much
harder to find those people
812
00:31:28,280 --> 00:31:29,879
in the ways that we meet people
these days.
813
00:31:29,880 --> 00:31:33,239
Like, I was on apps for a very
brief spell in my early 30s.
814
00:31:33,240 --> 00:31:34,799
That was not fun at all.
815
00:31:34,800 --> 00:31:37,639
To be honest, it was mainly me
just explaining to 21-year-old
816
00:31:37,640 --> 00:31:40,359
men in the conversations
what a Concorde plane was,
817
00:31:40,360 --> 00:31:43,279
which was, to be fair,
quite a lot of fun,
818
00:31:43,280 --> 00:31:45,039
and you should try it
yourselves.
819
00:31:45,040 --> 00:31:48,519
You get to be like
a very, very long time ago,
820
00:31:48,520 --> 00:31:50,359
in the year 2000,
821
00:31:50,360 --> 00:31:53,039
there was a plane
that went very, very fast.
822
00:31:53,040 --> 00:31:55,959
It was too noisy.
[chuckles]
823
00:31:55,960 --> 00:31:57,959
They're like,
oh, my God, tell me more.
824
00:31:57,960 --> 00:31:59,919
[laughs]
825
00:31:59,920 --> 00:32:00,999
And it just gets harder.
826
00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:02,359
Everything is--
and I know--look,
827
00:32:02,360 --> 00:32:04,599
I know I can hear myself
say that out loud.
828
00:32:04,600 --> 00:32:05,919
And I'm like, oh, I'm so old.
829
00:32:05,920 --> 00:32:07,279
I know I'm not old yet.
830
00:32:07,280 --> 00:32:09,679
I'm 32. I'm not old yet, right.
831
00:32:09,680 --> 00:32:11,239
I know I'm aging, though.
832
00:32:11,240 --> 00:32:13,279
I know I'm aging
in many very subtle ways.
833
00:32:13,280 --> 00:32:17,519
I've started saying
"safe travels" a lot.
834
00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:18,719
Do you know what I mean?
835
00:32:18,720 --> 00:32:19,719
I don't know what happened.
836
00:32:19,720 --> 00:32:22,119
It just started--safe travels.
837
00:32:22,120 --> 00:32:24,599
Good flight.
Safe travels. Yeah?
838
00:32:24,600 --> 00:32:27,559
If you've ever seen a teenager
839
00:32:27,560 --> 00:32:30,119
say "safe travels,"
840
00:32:30,120 --> 00:32:33,439
that is an undercover cop,
and...
841
00:32:33,440 --> 00:32:35,359
you're going to jail
842
00:32:35,360 --> 00:32:37,199
for some reason.
843
00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:39,399
But everything is harder.
I think, uh--
844
00:32:39,400 --> 00:32:43,359
getting dumped in your 30s
is so much harder
845
00:32:43,360 --> 00:32:44,759
than getting dumped in your 20s, right.
846
00:32:44,760 --> 00:32:47,559
Because, as I said before,
when you're in your 20s,
847
00:32:47,560 --> 00:32:49,199
you're still building
your personality.
848
00:32:49,200 --> 00:32:50,599
You're still figuring out
who you are.
849
00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:52,479
So you don't have to take it
as personally,
850
00:32:52,480 --> 00:32:53,519
that rejection, right.
851
00:32:53,520 --> 00:32:55,319
Just be like, it's fine.
It's all good.
852
00:32:55,320 --> 00:32:57,119
Yeah, I'm gonna
be a different person
853
00:32:57,120 --> 00:32:58,559
in like a year or two years.
854
00:32:58,560 --> 00:32:59,559
All good, yeah?
855
00:32:59,560 --> 00:33:00,519
You do you.
856
00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:02,679
What if our life is long.
857
00:33:02,680 --> 00:33:05,319
We'll be friends still.
Of course.
858
00:33:05,320 --> 00:33:08,719
When you're dumped in your 30s,
859
00:33:08,720 --> 00:33:10,639
you are being dumped
860
00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:13,959
for who you truly are.
861
00:33:13,960 --> 00:33:15,639
And I'm so sorry
862
00:33:15,640 --> 00:33:18,439
if that is the first time
some of you are hearing this
863
00:33:18,440 --> 00:33:19,599
in the room.
864
00:33:19,600 --> 00:33:21,119
But that is a scientific fact.
865
00:33:21,120 --> 00:33:22,439
Do we know this?
Yeah.
866
00:33:22,440 --> 00:33:25,999
Our personalities
fucking lock in at 30!
867
00:33:26,000 --> 00:33:27,959
Yeah?
This is me forever now.
868
00:33:27,960 --> 00:33:30,879
I'm fucking gutted.
I am gutted!
869
00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:32,519
I am gutted!
Do you know what if feels like?
870
00:33:32,520 --> 00:33:34,239
It feels like--you know when
you're playing "Mario Kart,"
871
00:33:34,240 --> 00:33:36,479
and you're trying to figure out
which character to play with,
872
00:33:36,480 --> 00:33:37,959
and you're dilly-dallying
for way too long,
873
00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:40,719
and the fucking timer runs out,
and you end up on the last box
874
00:33:40,720 --> 00:33:41,999
that you just happened to be on.
875
00:33:42,000 --> 00:33:43,199
So you have to be like,
I'm fucking Waluigi
876
00:33:43,200 --> 00:33:45,639
for the rest of my life.
Is that it?
877
00:33:45,640 --> 00:33:47,239
Great!
878
00:33:47,240 --> 00:33:48,520
Ideal.
879
00:33:51,080 --> 00:33:52,199
Now, I think
I should have changed
880
00:33:52,200 --> 00:33:54,399
the character in that joke.
881
00:33:54,400 --> 00:33:56,759
Because I've noticed it doesn't
get as much of a reaction,
882
00:33:56,760 --> 00:33:58,959
because I feel, as a society,
883
00:33:58,960 --> 00:34:01,879
the temperature is changing
on Waluigi.
884
00:34:01,880 --> 00:34:05,159
I'll say that. Yeah!
885
00:34:05,160 --> 00:34:07,319
He's just a bit misunderstood
886
00:34:07,320 --> 00:34:10,199
in the shadow of his brother, right?
887
00:34:10,200 --> 00:34:11,999
I think he's kind of hot.
888
00:34:12,000 --> 00:34:13,959
I don't know.
889
00:34:13,960 --> 00:34:16,519
Tall. he's got that mustache.
It's crazy.
890
00:34:16,520 --> 00:34:20,600
Waluigi looks like
every man in East London.
891
00:34:21,880 --> 00:34:24,199
Right?
892
00:34:24,200 --> 00:34:25,519
You'll fucking see him on
a Lime Bike later on.
893
00:34:25,520 --> 00:34:26,919
That's fucking Waluigi
on a Lime Bike.
894
00:34:26,920 --> 00:34:28,680
That's crazy.
895
00:34:30,840 --> 00:34:33,959
So it's very hard to come
to terms with the fact that
896
00:34:33,960 --> 00:34:35,879
this is you for the rest
of your life, right,
897
00:34:35,880 --> 00:34:37,239
when you hit 30.
898
00:34:37,240 --> 00:34:38,959
And, look, I don't want to sound
self-deprecating in a way.
899
00:34:38,960 --> 00:34:40,439
Like, oh,
this is me forever now.
900
00:34:40,440 --> 00:34:43,119
I really wish--I really wish
that self-deprecation
901
00:34:43,120 --> 00:34:47,159
hadn't become so much a big part
of my USP
902
00:34:47,160 --> 00:34:48,999
or my brand, right, as a person.
903
00:34:49,000 --> 00:34:50,199
But it has.
904
00:34:50,200 --> 00:34:51,399
And really, I honestly
thought self-deprecation
905
00:34:51,400 --> 00:34:53,919
was something I would
eventually mature out of.
906
00:34:53,920 --> 00:34:55,519
I'd grow out of it.
But that is not the case.
907
00:34:55,520 --> 00:34:57,039
I have found this,
that is not the case.
908
00:34:57,040 --> 00:34:59,879
What actually happens, right,
with self-deprecation
909
00:34:59,880 --> 00:35:01,279
is that the older you get,
910
00:35:01,280 --> 00:35:04,799
the more accurate
the self-deprecation becomes.
911
00:35:04,800 --> 00:35:06,759
Right, because you know
yourself better.
912
00:35:06,760 --> 00:35:08,079
Your friends know you better.
913
00:35:08,080 --> 00:35:09,479
So in my teen years,
I could be like--
914
00:35:09,480 --> 00:35:11,239
I could get away with
being like, oh, I'm such-
915
00:35:11,240 --> 00:35:12,599
I'm never gonna find
a boyfriend.
916
00:35:12,600 --> 00:35:13,599
I'm such a spinster.
917
00:35:13,600 --> 00:35:14,599
We loved calling
ourself spinsters
918
00:35:14,600 --> 00:35:15,959
when we were teenagers.
I'm such a spinster.
919
00:35:15,960 --> 00:35:17,279
I'm never gonna find someone.
920
00:35:17,280 --> 00:35:18,519
And your friends are like,
what are you talking about?
921
00:35:18,520 --> 00:35:19,519
They've got your back.
922
00:35:19,520 --> 00:35:20,639
They're like, what are
you talking about, girl?
923
00:35:20,640 --> 00:35:21,559
You're crazy.
924
00:35:21,560 --> 00:35:23,119
You can't do yourself
down like that.
925
00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:24,599
Of course,
you'll find love someday.
926
00:35:24,600 --> 00:35:25,599
Shut the fuck up.
927
00:35:25,600 --> 00:35:27,479
Stop talking about yourself.
928
00:35:27,480 --> 00:35:30,159
Now, at 32,
929
00:35:30,160 --> 00:35:31,719
if I say something like,
930
00:35:31,720 --> 00:35:33,759
I don't know
if I'll ever get married.
931
00:35:33,760 --> 00:35:35,919
My friends are like, well,
marriage isn't for everyone.
932
00:35:35,920 --> 00:35:37,360
And I'm like--
933
00:35:45,360 --> 00:35:47,279
I see. No.
934
00:35:47,280 --> 00:35:48,800
I see.
935
00:35:50,040 --> 00:35:51,759
The game is on.
936
00:35:51,760 --> 00:35:54,399
The game is afoot.
937
00:35:54,400 --> 00:35:56,999
I know I said just before
that I know
938
00:35:57,000 --> 00:35:59,239
that I'm aging
in many very subtle ways.
939
00:35:59,240 --> 00:36:02,759
And another way
in which I know I'm aging
940
00:36:02,760 --> 00:36:06,479
is that I have done that joke
quite a few times now,
941
00:36:06,480 --> 00:36:08,559
to the point where
I have had to start
942
00:36:08,560 --> 00:36:11,839
wearing fucking knee pads.
943
00:36:11,840 --> 00:36:13,399
So yeah, thanks!
944
00:36:13,400 --> 00:36:17,319
Yeah. Yeah, no.
945
00:36:17,320 --> 00:36:18,959
I'm unsure as to what
you're clapping there.
946
00:36:18,960 --> 00:36:23,079
Like, the concept of safety,
I guess?
947
00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:24,600
That's crazy.
948
00:36:25,760 --> 00:36:29,239
That is the problem
with having close friends.
949
00:36:29,240 --> 00:36:33,839
No, yeah, that sounded worse
than I intended it to.
950
00:36:33,840 --> 00:36:36,119
What happens is when
you have close friends
951
00:36:36,120 --> 00:36:38,039
and you go through a breakup,
it is quite tough.
952
00:36:38,040 --> 00:36:42,079
Because--and now, be honest
with yourself right now.
953
00:36:42,080 --> 00:36:44,719
When a close friend
goes through a breakup,
954
00:36:44,720 --> 00:36:46,399
obviously
you're very sad for them.
955
00:36:46,400 --> 00:36:50,159
But it's also fucking
compelling, isn't it?
956
00:36:50,160 --> 00:36:51,159
Do you know what I mean?
957
00:36:51,160 --> 00:36:53,399
It's hard to look away.
958
00:36:53,400 --> 00:36:55,479
Be honest.
959
00:36:55,480 --> 00:36:57,159
It's like, you know when
a firework accidentally
960
00:36:57,160 --> 00:36:59,159
falls on its side on Guy Fawkes
961
00:36:59,160 --> 00:37:01,439
and it starts shooting
into the crowd and stuff.
962
00:37:01,440 --> 00:37:03,199
And everyone's
a little bit scared,
963
00:37:03,200 --> 00:37:04,239
but they also want
to stick around
964
00:37:04,240 --> 00:37:05,959
to see what happens, right?
965
00:37:05,960 --> 00:37:07,279
That's what it's like
when a close friend
966
00:37:07,280 --> 00:37:08,519
goes through
a fucking heartbreak.
967
00:37:08,520 --> 00:37:09,479
And it's tough.
968
00:37:09,480 --> 00:37:11,159
It's so tough,
because the problem is that
969
00:37:11,160 --> 00:37:13,519
your close friends,
they know who you are.
970
00:37:13,520 --> 00:37:15,239
They know who you
are deep down inside.
971
00:37:15,240 --> 00:37:16,639
They know the fucking
real you, right?
972
00:37:16,640 --> 00:37:19,199
They've known you for years
and years and years.
973
00:37:19,200 --> 00:37:21,199
By the same token,
your close friends
974
00:37:21,200 --> 00:37:25,959
know exactly how
you compromised your personality
975
00:37:25,960 --> 00:37:28,559
in order to be
with this particular person.
976
00:37:28,560 --> 00:37:29,999
But this relationship
has now ended, right.
977
00:37:30,000 --> 00:37:31,279
And so,
the shame with which
978
00:37:31,280 --> 00:37:33,999
one must return
to those friendships
979
00:37:34,000 --> 00:37:36,559
is fucking humbling.
980
00:37:36,560 --> 00:37:38,639
The only equivalent
I've come up with is that
981
00:37:38,640 --> 00:37:42,039
it's as if you shat yourself
982
00:37:42,040 --> 00:37:45,559
at a work Christmas party
on a Friday night.
983
00:37:45,560 --> 00:37:47,199
Yeah? You with me?
984
00:37:47,200 --> 00:37:50,439
It's the feeling
of having to come back to work
985
00:37:50,440 --> 00:37:52,159
on the Monday,
986
00:37:52,160 --> 00:37:55,079
just having to be like,
987
00:37:55,080 --> 00:37:57,360
that was crazy!
988
00:37:58,840 --> 00:38:01,519
Who was she?
989
00:38:01,520 --> 00:38:05,200
No, she seems deeply unwell
and deserves our love.
990
00:38:06,000 --> 00:38:07,239
That's how I felt.
That's how I felt.
991
00:38:07,240 --> 00:38:09,159
I felt too embarrassed to turn
to my closest friends
992
00:38:09,160 --> 00:38:10,719
at such a tough time.
993
00:38:10,720 --> 00:38:11,959
It was crazy.
994
00:38:11,960 --> 00:38:14,439
So I just, honestly,
I started, in this breakup--
995
00:38:14,440 --> 00:38:17,679
I started turning
to very, very random people.
996
00:38:17,680 --> 00:38:19,079
Anyone who was
close to me, right?
997
00:38:19,080 --> 00:38:22,079
My 80-year-old grandmother
was living with me at the time.
998
00:38:22,080 --> 00:38:24,199
Quite a weird,
sassy best friend character
999
00:38:24,200 --> 00:38:27,319
to have in one's life
going through a modern breakup.
1000
00:38:27,320 --> 00:38:28,479
And she did her best.
She did fine.
1001
00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:29,959
She was fantastic.
She was very helpful.
1002
00:38:29,960 --> 00:38:32,159
I will say,
it's very hard to explain
1003
00:38:32,160 --> 00:38:34,199
to a woman who was born
during World War II
1004
00:38:34,200 --> 00:38:37,479
what attachment theory is.
1005
00:38:37,480 --> 00:38:38,439
They don't really get it.
1006
00:38:38,440 --> 00:38:39,759
She'd be like,
yeah, I think you're anxious
1007
00:38:39,760 --> 00:38:42,759
attachment is because
of rationing, I guess, right?
1008
00:38:42,760 --> 00:38:44,479
So that was unhelpful.
1009
00:38:44,480 --> 00:38:45,959
I just turned to
random strangers sometimes--
1010
00:38:45,960 --> 00:38:47,159
complete strangers.
1011
00:38:47,160 --> 00:38:49,679
A man had started cleaning
my flat at the time.
1012
00:38:49,680 --> 00:38:51,079
Uh, I paid him to do it.
1013
00:38:51,080 --> 00:38:52,559
That's an important
detail for that.
1014
00:38:52,560 --> 00:38:53,759
I did pay him to do it.
1015
00:38:53,760 --> 00:38:55,279
His name was Lindsay.
1016
00:38:55,280 --> 00:38:57,519
And Lindsay, oh my God,
he was fucking incredible.
1017
00:38:57,520 --> 00:38:58,799
He was an incredible guy.
1018
00:38:58,800 --> 00:39:00,879
Incredible guy,
terrible cleaner.
1019
00:39:00,880 --> 00:39:02,839
Could not recommend him
with a good conscience.
1020
00:39:02,840 --> 00:39:04,159
Yeah?
1021
00:39:04,160 --> 00:39:05,919
He had a real jazz vibe
when it came to cleaning,
1022
00:39:05,920 --> 00:39:07,799
where he just sort of went
where the spirit took him
1023
00:39:07,800 --> 00:39:11,599
and sort of ignored
large appliances.
1024
00:39:11,600 --> 00:39:14,119
He would light incense and
leave it burning in my home
1025
00:39:14,120 --> 00:39:15,399
a number of times
while I was out.
1026
00:39:15,400 --> 00:39:18,039
And the weirdest one,
I think, for me,
1027
00:39:18,040 --> 00:39:20,479
is that he would change
his WhatsApp profile photo
1028
00:39:20,480 --> 00:39:22,080
every week.
1029
00:39:23,560 --> 00:39:25,679
Something not right
about that, right?
1030
00:39:25,680 --> 00:39:29,439
But he was fucking
incredible, right?
1031
00:39:29,440 --> 00:39:32,279
He was--Lindsay was like,
OK, I just opened my--
1032
00:39:32,280 --> 00:39:34,679
I just completely told him
every single thing
1033
00:39:34,680 --> 00:39:37,519
about this breakup immediately,
the first time I ever met him.
1034
00:39:37,520 --> 00:39:39,319
And the first question
he asked me, he said,
1035
00:39:39,320 --> 00:39:41,400
bird or geezer?
1036
00:39:42,720 --> 00:39:44,800
Bird or geezer?
1037
00:39:45,760 --> 00:39:47,999
And I was like, Lindsay,
you are on the right side
1038
00:39:48,000 --> 00:39:50,040
of history, my friend.
1039
00:39:52,240 --> 00:39:54,439
And then the shame
that went through my body,
1040
00:39:54,440 --> 00:39:56,079
having to stand,
as an adult woman,
1041
00:39:56,080 --> 00:39:57,879
quite seriously
and emotionally,
1042
00:39:57,880 --> 00:39:59,799
having to say to him,
in my own flat,
1043
00:39:59,800 --> 00:40:02,000
geezer.
1044
00:40:03,760 --> 00:40:05,560
It was a geezer.
1045
00:40:07,120 --> 00:40:08,199
Not that I'm embarrassed!
1046
00:40:08,200 --> 00:40:09,319
Not that I'm embarrassed
1047
00:40:09,320 --> 00:40:10,319
that it was a man
that broke my heart!
1048
00:40:10,320 --> 00:40:11,479
I'm not. I've decided I'm not--
1049
00:40:11,480 --> 00:40:13,639
I'm not embarrassed
to be straight anymore.
1050
00:40:13,640 --> 00:40:15,239
I've come to terms with it.
1051
00:40:15,240 --> 00:40:16,959
I've come to--
it is what it is, yeah?
1052
00:40:16,960 --> 00:40:18,639
All right? I've come to--
1053
00:40:18,640 --> 00:40:22,879
And if anything, it feels like
a little bit of a throwback
1054
00:40:22,880 --> 00:40:24,039
as a dating preference.
1055
00:40:24,040 --> 00:40:25,199
It's a little retro.
1056
00:40:25,200 --> 00:40:27,439
We've kind of moved
past it as a society.
1057
00:40:27,440 --> 00:40:30,439
And yet, I'm in there just
clinging on for dear life.
1058
00:40:30,440 --> 00:40:31,439
I feel like--
1059
00:40:31,440 --> 00:40:32,879
Still dating men,
I feel like I go through
1060
00:40:32,880 --> 00:40:34,199
a lot of the same emotions
1061
00:40:34,200 --> 00:40:37,799
as I imagine people who collect
vinyl records must feel,
1062
00:40:37,800 --> 00:40:39,479
in the sense that
both groups are really
1063
00:40:39,480 --> 00:40:41,359
truly flying the flag
for what is,
1064
00:40:41,360 --> 00:40:43,639
let's be honest, a dying medium.
1065
00:40:43,640 --> 00:40:44,759
Yeah?
1066
00:40:44,760 --> 00:40:46,439
Both of us, just find
ourselves saying stuff like,
1067
00:40:46,440 --> 00:40:48,519
well, actually, the fact that
it's largely inaccessible
1068
00:40:48,520 --> 00:40:50,599
and of a low quality overall
is what we find charming
1069
00:40:50,600 --> 00:40:52,680
about the format.
1070
00:40:54,520 --> 00:40:57,039
So I was in my flat,
and I was like, geezer.
1071
00:40:57,040 --> 00:40:58,599
And, um... [laughs]
1072
00:40:58,600 --> 00:41:00,039
Lindsay was like, how long?
1073
00:41:00,040 --> 00:41:01,439
How long was the relationship?
1074
00:41:01,440 --> 00:41:03,079
And I was like,
eight months, man.
1075
00:41:03,080 --> 00:41:04,079
Eight months.
1076
00:41:04,080 --> 00:41:06,279
And Lindsay was like...
1077
00:41:06,280 --> 00:41:08,759
[shouting] What are you
crying about, girl?
1078
00:41:08,760 --> 00:41:10,439
What are you fucking
crying about?
1079
00:41:10,440 --> 00:41:13,919
Lindsay bollocked me
in my own home, yes?
1080
00:41:13,920 --> 00:41:16,239
This man told me
what the fuck was what.
1081
00:41:16,240 --> 00:41:18,199
I met him that day,
and he took me through
1082
00:41:18,200 --> 00:41:19,879
every past relationship
he's been with,
1083
00:41:19,880 --> 00:41:21,279
all that he's loved and lost.
1084
00:41:21,280 --> 00:41:22,559
And he said something to me
1085
00:41:22,560 --> 00:41:24,559
that I will never forget, right?
1086
00:41:24,560 --> 00:41:27,519
Before he left, he turned
to me in the doorway,
1087
00:41:27,520 --> 00:41:28,559
and he said this to me.
1088
00:41:28,560 --> 00:41:31,799
He said, what you got
to understand is, yeah,
1089
00:41:31,800 --> 00:41:36,719
we were put on this Earth
to suffer.
1090
00:41:36,720 --> 00:41:38,719
So all you can do
1091
00:41:38,720 --> 00:41:42,120
is you got to grab your giggles
where you can.
1092
00:41:48,320 --> 00:41:49,359
[laughs]
1093
00:41:49,360 --> 00:41:52,559
I don't know if I had just
been touched by an angel
1094
00:41:52,560 --> 00:41:55,599
or Lindsay had once
killed a man for fun.
1095
00:41:55,600 --> 00:41:57,399
right?
1096
00:41:57,400 --> 00:41:58,919
I choose to believe the former.
1097
00:41:58,920 --> 00:42:00,399
It's much more charming.
1098
00:42:00,400 --> 00:42:02,959
So I was running out of options, right.
1099
00:42:02,960 --> 00:42:04,919
I couldn't turn
to my closest friends.
1100
00:42:04,920 --> 00:42:06,199
I was too, too embarrassed.
1101
00:42:06,200 --> 00:42:07,439
My Nan went back to New Zealand.
1102
00:42:07,440 --> 00:42:09,679
Lindsay only came once a week, right.
1103
00:42:09,680 --> 00:42:11,519
So I--
1104
00:42:11,520 --> 00:42:14,319
I did what any person of my
sort of general vibe
1105
00:42:14,320 --> 00:42:15,519
and background would do is that
1106
00:42:15,520 --> 00:42:16,679
I turned to the internet.
1107
00:42:16,680 --> 00:42:19,359
Incognito mode, of course,
right, for answers.
1108
00:42:19,360 --> 00:42:22,959
And that's my problem is that
I don't see heartbreak as--
1109
00:42:22,960 --> 00:42:25,519
I see heartbreak
as a problem to solve,
1110
00:42:25,520 --> 00:42:28,039
rather than just fucking
an experience to go through.
1111
00:42:28,040 --> 00:42:30,599
So I will tell you,
when you search a term like
1112
00:42:30,600 --> 00:42:34,199
"can you be broken up with
for being too cool,"
1113
00:42:34,200 --> 00:42:37,159
what you will get is you will
open up an entire corner
1114
00:42:37,160 --> 00:42:39,239
of the internet,
and that is the world
1115
00:42:39,240 --> 00:42:43,279
of online relationship coaching.
1116
00:42:43,280 --> 00:42:45,079
Now, I don't know
if anyone's familiar with this.
1117
00:42:45,080 --> 00:42:46,559
If you're not,
I will explain briefly.
1118
00:42:46,560 --> 00:42:49,039
It is--it's a largely
American industry.
1119
00:42:49,040 --> 00:42:50,759
It's kind of adjacent
to life coaching a bit.
1120
00:42:50,760 --> 00:42:53,679
And it's mainly sort of run
by these kind of weird men.
1121
00:42:53,680 --> 00:42:56,039
They're always called, like,
Declan or Gavin or something,
1122
00:42:56,040 --> 00:42:58,519
and they've got suits,
and they're looking like that.
1123
00:42:58,520 --> 00:43:01,079
And their URLs are quite
intense, quite hectic.
1124
00:43:01,080 --> 00:43:04,799
They'll be like, stuff like
HowToGetYourExBack.com.
1125
00:43:04,800 --> 00:43:06,679
Like, YourExWasABitch
ButMaybeTheLove
1126
00:43:06,680 --> 00:43:11,040
OfYourLife.org.edu.
1127
00:43:12,840 --> 00:43:15,439
And these men
were just sinister,
1128
00:43:15,440 --> 00:43:17,119
because this whole industry
was kind of sinister.
1129
00:43:17,120 --> 00:43:18,959
'Cause what they're doing
is they're preying upon people
1130
00:43:18,960 --> 00:43:20,799
at their most heartbroken,
right,
1131
00:43:20,800 --> 00:43:22,839
their lowest ebb of their lives,
1132
00:43:22,840 --> 00:43:24,719
and they're trying to get money
out of you, essentially, right.
1133
00:43:24,720 --> 00:43:27,599
They lured you in with these
sort of free online articles,
1134
00:43:27,600 --> 00:43:30,279
and checklists,
and all that that build up to--
1135
00:43:30,280 --> 00:43:32,239
like, weekly podcasts
that you listen to every week.
1136
00:43:32,240 --> 00:43:34,199
Then, eventually,
maybe a workbook or two.
1137
00:43:34,200 --> 00:43:36,119
20 US dollars a workbook.
Why not?
1138
00:43:36,120 --> 00:43:38,399
Eventually, what they're
really trying to get you to
1139
00:43:38,400 --> 00:43:40,759
is ultimately they're trying
to get you to
1140
00:43:40,760 --> 00:43:44,279
one-on-one Zoom coaching
sessions with them, right,
1141
00:43:44,280 --> 00:43:47,679
that can cost like fucking $500,
600 US dollars a pop.
1142
00:43:47,680 --> 00:43:48,959
Right, it's horrible.
1143
00:43:48,960 --> 00:43:52,519
Also, these men,
their advice is fucking shit.
1144
00:43:52,520 --> 00:43:53,639
Yeah?
1145
00:43:53,640 --> 00:43:55,119
Do not take any of the advice.
1146
00:43:55,120 --> 00:43:57,559
One of the tips on one of
these articles genuinely was
1147
00:43:57,560 --> 00:44:02,319
dress every day as if you're
going to bump into your ex.
1148
00:44:02,320 --> 00:44:04,959
Dress every day.
1149
00:44:04,960 --> 00:44:07,559
I'm gonna let that sit
with you for a moment, right.
1150
00:44:07,560 --> 00:44:08,479
Do you know what that me--
1151
00:44:08,480 --> 00:44:09,759
like, this is how I dress
every day.
1152
00:44:09,760 --> 00:44:11,999
This. I don't want to bump
into an ex-lover
1153
00:44:12,000 --> 00:44:13,799
dressed like this, yeah?
1154
00:44:13,800 --> 00:44:16,439
32 years of effort
went into this look.
1155
00:44:16,440 --> 00:44:17,599
Can you believe?
1156
00:44:17,600 --> 00:44:19,919
Which, sartorially, I can
only accurately describe as
1157
00:44:19,920 --> 00:44:22,839
I somehow managed to, every day,
1158
00:44:22,840 --> 00:44:24,839
dress like, simultaneously,
1159
00:44:24,840 --> 00:44:29,679
a missing child from the 1980s,
1160
00:44:29,680 --> 00:44:31,799
as well as the mother
1161
00:44:31,800 --> 00:44:35,120
searching for
that missing child!
1162
00:44:38,840 --> 00:44:40,079
And I hear a few claps.
1163
00:44:40,080 --> 00:44:42,079
That does hurt my feelings
a little bit, right?
1164
00:44:42,080 --> 00:44:45,319
Because that's the applause
of recognition.
1165
00:44:45,320 --> 00:44:47,279
So I knew I couldn't take
the advice from these men.
1166
00:44:47,280 --> 00:44:48,599
They're fucking awful.
I didn't respect them.
1167
00:44:48,600 --> 00:44:51,559
So I moved on to
a female relationship coach.
1168
00:44:51,560 --> 00:44:53,239
I thought that would
work for me better.
1169
00:44:53,240 --> 00:44:54,999
I found her
in the form of Jillian.
1170
00:44:55,000 --> 00:44:56,199
Jillian.
1171
00:44:56,200 --> 00:44:58,759
Uh, didn't love her vibe either,
1172
00:44:58,760 --> 00:45:00,559
because her tips
were just as bad.
1173
00:45:00,560 --> 00:45:03,679
One of them was genuinely,
drink more water.
1174
00:45:03,680 --> 00:45:05,319
Drink more water.
1175
00:45:05,320 --> 00:45:06,999
Get a bit dehydrated
when you go through a breakup.
1176
00:45:07,000 --> 00:45:08,599
Drink more water.
Fuck you, Jillian.
1177
00:45:08,600 --> 00:45:10,439
I'm fucking heartbroken.
You fucking drink more water.
1178
00:45:10,440 --> 00:45:13,199
What the fuck are you
talking about, girl?
1179
00:45:13,200 --> 00:45:14,559
Shut up.
1180
00:45:14,560 --> 00:45:16,359
One of them was, she said,
oh, join a club.
1181
00:45:16,360 --> 00:45:18,279
You need to join a club.
Be more social. Join a club.
1182
00:45:18,280 --> 00:45:20,319
I'm not fucking
eight years old, Jillian.
1183
00:45:20,320 --> 00:45:22,719
What the hell? Join a damn club?
1184
00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:24,079
Worst one was, she said,
1185
00:45:24,080 --> 00:45:26,759
don't wear AirPods in public,
1186
00:45:26,760 --> 00:45:28,039
because you cut yourself off
1187
00:45:28,040 --> 00:45:30,159
from having conversations
with strangers.
1188
00:45:30,160 --> 00:45:33,839
Over my fucking dead body,
Jillian.
1189
00:45:33,840 --> 00:45:38,519
You're gonna have to rip the
AirPods out of my dead, cold--
1190
00:45:38,520 --> 00:45:41,119
I want to be fucking buried
in my AirPods--
1191
00:45:41,120 --> 00:45:42,519
just in case I get buried alive,
1192
00:45:42,520 --> 00:45:45,399
so I can rock out in the coffin.
Yeah?
1193
00:45:45,400 --> 00:45:47,719
Jillian--another thing
Jillian was obsessed with
1194
00:45:47,720 --> 00:45:49,439
was childhood.
1195
00:45:49,440 --> 00:45:51,679
I think this is a real big
obsession in therapy
1196
00:45:51,680 --> 00:45:54,199
in general at the moment,
like inner child work
1197
00:45:54,200 --> 00:45:55,399
and stuff like that.
1198
00:45:55,400 --> 00:45:56,519
I don't buy it.
1199
00:45:56,520 --> 00:45:57,759
I don't give a shit.
1200
00:45:57,760 --> 00:45:59,839
I don't care about childhood, right.
1201
00:45:59,840 --> 00:46:01,239
My inner child,
she's on her own.
1202
00:46:01,240 --> 00:46:02,519
OK?
1203
00:46:02,520 --> 00:46:03,839
Do you know what I mean?
1204
00:46:03,840 --> 00:46:05,559
Because, for me,
that's such an unhelpful thing
1205
00:46:05,560 --> 00:46:08,279
to try and, I guess,
dwell on or unpack.
1206
00:46:08,280 --> 00:46:10,279
Because childhood
is a historical event.
1207
00:46:10,280 --> 00:46:11,359
It's happened.
1208
00:46:11,360 --> 00:46:13,639
I can't change anything
about my childhood, right?
1209
00:46:13,640 --> 00:46:14,839
It's fucking Stonehenge.
1210
00:46:14,840 --> 00:46:15,919
It's the 2000 Sydney Olympics.
1211
00:46:15,920 --> 00:46:17,919
It's happened. It's done.
1212
00:46:17,920 --> 00:46:20,199
And quite crucially,
as well, I can't remember
1213
00:46:20,200 --> 00:46:22,199
much of my childhood,
1214
00:46:22,200 --> 00:46:24,919
which I think is the first sign
that nothing bad ever happened.
1215
00:46:24,920 --> 00:46:27,799
Yeah?
1216
00:46:27,800 --> 00:46:28,919
I think if something
traumatic happened,
1217
00:46:28,920 --> 00:46:31,040
I would have remembered it.
1218
00:46:32,960 --> 00:46:35,639
I did try mining my past
for moments of trauma,
1219
00:46:35,640 --> 00:46:38,479
the little nuggets of trauma,
to sort of explain flaws I have
1220
00:46:38,480 --> 00:46:39,519
in my adult personality.
1221
00:46:39,520 --> 00:46:40,479
I tried that.
1222
00:46:40,480 --> 00:46:43,119
My dad nearly drowned once.
That was fun.
1223
00:46:43,120 --> 00:46:44,319
That was good for trauma,
I guess.
1224
00:46:44,320 --> 00:46:46,399
Obviously--
but it actually kind of wasn't,
1225
00:46:46,400 --> 00:46:48,839
though, as well,
in that I wasn't that sad.
1226
00:46:48,840 --> 00:46:50,559
I'll be honest.
1227
00:46:50,560 --> 00:46:53,439
And I love my dad, obviously.
1228
00:46:53,440 --> 00:46:55,600
Let me explain myself.
1229
00:46:57,440 --> 00:47:00,359
But I'll say this--what happens
when someone nearly drowns
1230
00:47:00,360 --> 00:47:02,799
is that they're nearly drowned.
1231
00:47:02,800 --> 00:47:04,239
But what contextually
that also means
1232
00:47:04,240 --> 00:47:06,520
is that it was probably summer.
1233
00:47:08,920 --> 00:47:10,119
Do you see what I'm saying?
1234
00:47:10,120 --> 00:47:11,679
Like, oh, your dad nearly died.
1235
00:47:11,680 --> 00:47:12,879
But I'm not gonna lie to you,
1236
00:47:12,880 --> 00:47:14,279
the vibes are
fucking immaculate.
1237
00:47:14,280 --> 00:47:15,559
They were.
1238
00:47:15,560 --> 00:47:16,559
It was a good year.
1239
00:47:16,560 --> 00:47:18,239
2004, man.
1240
00:47:18,240 --> 00:47:19,799
So I don't have trauma.
1241
00:47:19,800 --> 00:47:21,719
Uh...
1242
00:47:21,720 --> 00:47:22,719
Trauma, not for me.
1243
00:47:22,720 --> 00:47:24,200
Trauma, I hardly knew her.
1244
00:47:29,600 --> 00:47:32,239
I will say this, though,
for the whole thing about
1245
00:47:32,240 --> 00:47:34,479
going back into one's childhood
that I do find interesting,
1246
00:47:34,480 --> 00:47:36,639
and I think a lot of people my
age are probably experiencing
1247
00:47:36,640 --> 00:47:39,839
themselves, is that I realize
I'm finally getting to the age
1248
00:47:39,840 --> 00:47:41,839
in which I am meeting my parents
1249
00:47:41,840 --> 00:47:43,239
at the age that they had me, right.
1250
00:47:43,240 --> 00:47:44,359
We didn't know our parents
1251
00:47:44,360 --> 00:47:45,999
before they were our age, right?
1252
00:47:46,000 --> 00:47:48,639
A-and finally meeting them,
you know,
1253
00:47:48,640 --> 00:47:49,959
adult to adult, face to face.
1254
00:47:49,960 --> 00:47:51,959
And so much more
of my childhood
1255
00:47:51,960 --> 00:47:53,919
is making sense to me now.
1256
00:47:53,920 --> 00:47:55,359
Do you know what I mean?
1257
00:47:55,360 --> 00:47:57,359
The fact that my dad would come
home from work every night,
1258
00:47:57,360 --> 00:47:59,999
not talk to any of us,
go straight to the back steps,
1259
00:48:00,000 --> 00:48:02,999
smoke cigarettes,
and drink coffee till bedtime.
1260
00:48:03,000 --> 00:48:04,799
Now, I'm in my early 30s,
1261
00:48:04,800 --> 00:48:09,319
I'm like,
brother, you do you, man.
1262
00:48:09,320 --> 00:48:11,399
Fucking drinking that Nescafé
as dark as night
1263
00:48:11,400 --> 00:48:15,279
with 14 sugars just to feel
something anymore, Dad!
1264
00:48:15,280 --> 00:48:18,000
'Cause our daddies
didn't have ASMR.
1265
00:48:20,040 --> 00:48:21,999
Think about that for a second.
1266
00:48:22,000 --> 00:48:23,919
Our daddies didn't have
ASMR in the '90s.
1267
00:48:23,920 --> 00:48:25,319
They didn't have
a hydraulic press crushing
1268
00:48:25,320 --> 00:48:27,799
a fucking can of Pringles, yeah?
1269
00:48:27,800 --> 00:48:29,119
How did they wind down?
1270
00:48:29,120 --> 00:48:32,319
All they had was untaxed
cigarettes and the void, right?
1271
00:48:32,320 --> 00:48:33,359
It was hard.
1272
00:48:33,360 --> 00:48:35,119
Also, like, my mom as well.
Fuck me.
1273
00:48:35,120 --> 00:48:39,319
My mom, she had three kids
by the time she was 28.
1274
00:48:39,320 --> 00:48:40,879
Three kids!
That's obscene to me.
1275
00:48:40,880 --> 00:48:42,399
Child bride. Child bride.
1276
00:48:42,400 --> 00:48:44,119
What is going on?
1277
00:48:44,120 --> 00:48:46,119
Three kids at 28!
1278
00:48:46,120 --> 00:48:48,199
I find that insane,
1279
00:48:48,200 --> 00:48:52,239
to the point that if I
met my own mother at this age,
1280
00:48:52,240 --> 00:48:53,559
I would have been
that fucking friend
1281
00:48:53,560 --> 00:48:57,479
who was convincing her
not to have me.
1282
00:48:57,480 --> 00:48:58,359
Do you know what I mean?
1283
00:48:58,360 --> 00:48:59,999
And I don't think
any of us in this room
1284
00:49:00,000 --> 00:49:01,519
could call ourselves feminists
1285
00:49:01,520 --> 00:49:04,399
if you wouldn't be willing
to do the same.
1286
00:49:04,400 --> 00:49:05,799
Yeah?
1287
00:49:05,800 --> 00:49:09,159
If you wouldn't be willing
to go back in time
1288
00:49:09,160 --> 00:49:14,239
and convince your own mother
not to have you
1289
00:49:14,240 --> 00:49:16,239
so she could chuck it about
for a few more years,
1290
00:49:16,240 --> 00:49:18,439
right?
1291
00:49:18,440 --> 00:49:19,639
Everyone freaks out
about that whole, like,
1292
00:49:19,640 --> 00:49:21,559
would you go back in time
and kill baby Hitler?
1293
00:49:21,560 --> 00:49:23,959
Bitch, I would go back in time
1294
00:49:23,960 --> 00:49:26,039
and kill myself
1295
00:49:26,040 --> 00:49:28,279
so my mom could go to Bali.
1296
00:49:28,280 --> 00:49:32,799
And that's feminism, I think.
1297
00:49:32,800 --> 00:49:34,719
I think it is.
1298
00:49:34,720 --> 00:49:37,599
So, uh, Jillian didn't
work out for me.
1299
00:49:37,600 --> 00:49:40,399
I knew I couldn't work
with Jillian any longer,
1300
00:49:40,400 --> 00:49:41,679
so I moved on.
1301
00:49:41,680 --> 00:49:43,599
And I found the Holy Grail,
the one.
1302
00:49:43,600 --> 00:49:44,839
And her name was Margaret.
1303
00:49:44,840 --> 00:49:45,959
I want to tell you
about Margaret.
1304
00:49:45,960 --> 00:49:48,039
Margaret was an American lady.
1305
00:49:48,040 --> 00:49:50,519
She was deep into her 80s,
an elderly woman.
1306
00:49:50,520 --> 00:49:51,639
[southern US accent]
She talked like this--
1307
00:49:51,640 --> 00:49:53,319
right, sounded so crusty
like that.
1308
00:49:53,320 --> 00:49:55,239
[normal voice] And she did these
podcasts I would listen to
1309
00:49:55,240 --> 00:49:56,239
every night before bed.
1310
00:49:56,240 --> 00:49:57,839
And Margaret was
fucking incredible.
1311
00:49:57,840 --> 00:49:59,599
She had a
tendency to sometimes talk
1312
00:49:59,600 --> 00:50:01,799
in sort of--
kind of bumper sticker slogans
1313
00:50:01,800 --> 00:50:03,239
when it came to breakups
and all that--
1314
00:50:03,240 --> 00:50:04,959
stuff that everyone's heard
during breakups.
1315
00:50:04,960 --> 00:50:07,039
Stuff like,
the only way out is through.
1316
00:50:07,040 --> 00:50:08,679
The only way out is through.
We've all heard that.
1317
00:50:08,680 --> 00:50:10,799
I don't--I fucking hate
that saying, right?
1318
00:50:10,800 --> 00:50:12,679
And also,
I don't understand it, yeah?
1319
00:50:12,680 --> 00:50:15,519
How is it 2024, hmm,
1320
00:50:15,520 --> 00:50:18,719
and we have not yet
found a way around yet?
1321
00:50:18,720 --> 00:50:19,919
Yeah?
1322
00:50:19,920 --> 00:50:22,879
We have vibrating anal beads
1323
00:50:22,880 --> 00:50:25,679
powered by Bluetooth technology,
huh,
1324
00:50:25,680 --> 00:50:26,839
and we have not yet found a way
1325
00:50:26,840 --> 00:50:29,039
to circumvent the devastation
of a fucking breakup.
1326
00:50:29,040 --> 00:50:30,479
What are these scientists doing?
1327
00:50:30,480 --> 00:50:32,760
Have they never
felt love before, right?
1328
00:50:33,920 --> 00:50:36,279
Other ones is that what
you've got to do at this age,
1329
00:50:36,280 --> 00:50:39,359
particularly, is you've got to
figure out what your values are
1330
00:50:39,360 --> 00:50:41,119
and whether or not they align
with the person
1331
00:50:41,120 --> 00:50:42,599
you want to be with, right.
1332
00:50:42,600 --> 00:50:43,879
If they don't, move on.
1333
00:50:43,880 --> 00:50:46,559
If they do, go ahead. Yeah?
1334
00:50:46,560 --> 00:50:49,279
Biggest one was children.
1335
00:50:49,280 --> 00:50:50,319
You've got to figure out
whether or not
1336
00:50:50,320 --> 00:50:51,319
you want children or not.
1337
00:50:51,320 --> 00:50:52,599
And if that doesn't match up,
1338
00:50:52,600 --> 00:50:54,199
it's gonna be too much of
an obstacle going forward.
1339
00:50:54,200 --> 00:50:57,679
And I'm embarrassed to say
it was, genuinely,
1340
00:50:57,680 --> 00:50:59,119
the first time in my life
1341
00:50:59,120 --> 00:51:02,079
where I asked myself
not should I have children,
1342
00:51:02,080 --> 00:51:04,079
but if I wanted children.
1343
00:51:04,080 --> 00:51:06,919
And it turned out
the answer was no.
1344
00:51:06,920 --> 00:51:11,159
And it turns out
that is the wrong answer.
1345
00:51:11,160 --> 00:51:12,079
OK?
1346
00:51:12,080 --> 00:51:13,399
I wouldn't recommend it.
Do not share--
1347
00:51:13,400 --> 00:51:15,439
if that is your feeling,
do not share that with anyone.
1348
00:51:15,440 --> 00:51:17,479
I found that the socially
acceptable answer
1349
00:51:17,480 --> 00:51:19,559
to that question is
"maybe one day."
1350
00:51:19,560 --> 00:51:21,919
Tee-hee.
1351
00:51:21,920 --> 00:51:24,559
A girl never tells.
[giggles]
1352
00:51:24,560 --> 00:51:25,719
People love that, right?
1353
00:51:25,720 --> 00:51:26,719
They don't like a flat no.
1354
00:51:26,720 --> 00:51:27,879
They do not like
a flat no, right?
1355
00:51:27,880 --> 00:51:28,879
And even when--
1356
00:51:28,880 --> 00:51:30,319
You know,
I think people accept it.
1357
00:51:30,320 --> 00:51:33,359
I think sometimes people
see my stance
1358
00:51:33,360 --> 00:51:36,119
of not wanting children
as something, like, radical
1359
00:51:36,120 --> 00:51:37,959
or political, like a statement.
1360
00:51:37,960 --> 00:51:39,239
There is no statement behind it.
1361
00:51:39,240 --> 00:51:40,799
There is nothing
radical about it.
1362
00:51:40,800 --> 00:51:43,719
I'm just fucking lazy,
and I don't like bending over.
1363
00:51:43,720 --> 00:51:44,799
All right?
1364
00:51:44,800 --> 00:51:47,039
And that is enough
of a motivation
1365
00:51:47,040 --> 00:51:48,319
not to have children.
1366
00:51:48,320 --> 00:51:52,359
God did not make me to get up
before 9:00 AM, yeah?
1367
00:51:52,360 --> 00:51:53,359
And that's OK.
1368
00:51:53,360 --> 00:51:55,519
I think people's motivations
to have children
1369
00:51:55,520 --> 00:51:57,239
are even more fucked up
than that.
1370
00:51:57,240 --> 00:51:58,679
I think some people
have children because
1371
00:51:58,680 --> 00:52:00,959
they don't want to die alone.
They don't want to die alone.
1372
00:52:00,960 --> 00:52:03,119
I don't understand
the logic of that,
1373
00:52:03,120 --> 00:52:06,439
in the sense
that the day you die
1374
00:52:06,440 --> 00:52:08,239
is already gonna be
1375
00:52:08,240 --> 00:52:12,079
a bad day.
1376
00:52:12,080 --> 00:52:14,879
Do you know what I mean?
1377
00:52:14,880 --> 00:52:17,359
So you're going to invest
decades of your life
1378
00:52:17,360 --> 00:52:19,039
to ensuring there
are good numbers
1379
00:52:19,040 --> 00:52:20,959
on that one fucking day.
1380
00:52:20,960 --> 00:52:22,919
Fuck that.
Just pop on a DVD.
1381
00:52:22,920 --> 00:52:25,079
I'll be as happy as Larry.
Let me die alone.
1382
00:52:25,080 --> 00:52:27,359
Let me die alone
1383
00:52:27,360 --> 00:52:29,919
with a box set.
1384
00:52:29,920 --> 00:52:31,079
But I know that about myself,
right,
1385
00:52:31,080 --> 00:52:32,999
and it was amazing
to figure that out.
1386
00:52:33,000 --> 00:52:34,759
But it does not stop,
1387
00:52:34,760 --> 00:52:36,399
I guess, this assumption, right?
1388
00:52:36,400 --> 00:52:39,079
There's still an assumption
that if you're born into a body
1389
00:52:39,080 --> 00:52:40,639
that is capable
of having children,
1390
00:52:40,640 --> 00:52:43,359
that that is something that you
will want to fulfill one day.
1391
00:52:43,360 --> 00:52:45,879
Right, I was at the children's
birthday party recently,
1392
00:52:45,880 --> 00:52:47,359
and I was playing with the kids.
1393
00:52:47,360 --> 00:52:48,279
I love children.
1394
00:52:48,280 --> 00:52:49,839
I get on with them so well.
1395
00:52:49,840 --> 00:52:51,719
And this older gentleman,
he noticed this,
1396
00:52:51,720 --> 00:52:53,199
and he said--
he said to me,
1397
00:52:53,200 --> 00:52:56,119
does it bring out
the mother in you?
1398
00:52:56,120 --> 00:52:57,559
I was like, oh, fuck me,
there's something so sinister
1399
00:52:57,560 --> 00:52:59,879
about that, isn't there?
Because it's not "a" mother.
1400
00:52:59,880 --> 00:53:01,959
It's "the" mother, yeah?
1401
00:53:01,960 --> 00:53:03,239
'Cause it's this kind of idea.
1402
00:53:03,240 --> 00:53:04,679
It speaks to this idea that
within every little girl
1403
00:53:04,680 --> 00:53:07,559
there's a little mother
just waiting to burst out
1404
00:53:07,560 --> 00:53:09,279
of one's chest
1405
00:53:09,280 --> 00:53:12,879
and sort of eat the host body
to become
1406
00:53:12,880 --> 00:53:14,079
the mother!
1407
00:53:14,080 --> 00:53:17,679
Like, I'm not a fucking
Kinder surprise, dude.
1408
00:53:17,680 --> 00:53:20,039
Like, there's nothing in there.
1409
00:53:20,040 --> 00:53:21,639
It's the same kind of guy
who wants to hit you with those,
1410
00:53:21,640 --> 00:53:24,119
like, biological facts
you always hear as a young girl
1411
00:53:24,120 --> 00:53:25,919
from a young age,
which is so fucking creepy.
1412
00:53:25,920 --> 00:53:27,239
Shit like--
you always hear this,
1413
00:53:27,240 --> 00:53:28,439
I don't know why
I know this fact.
1414
00:53:28,440 --> 00:53:30,119
People are like,
you're born with all the eggs
1415
00:53:30,120 --> 00:53:32,399
you'll ever need your life.
1416
00:53:32,400 --> 00:53:34,159
They're born into your body
as a little baby.
1417
00:53:34,160 --> 00:53:37,239
And you little baby's babies got
all the eggs that they need.
1418
00:53:37,240 --> 00:53:38,799
Like little salmon roe.
1419
00:53:38,800 --> 00:53:40,839
All the eggs
they'll ever need to make.
1420
00:53:40,840 --> 00:53:44,159
It's like, sir, I'm gonna have
to ask you to back the fuck up
1421
00:53:44,160 --> 00:53:45,799
and stop telling me
I'm full of eggs.
1422
00:53:45,800 --> 00:53:47,159
All right?
1423
00:53:47,160 --> 00:53:49,080
Get on the ground.
1424
00:53:50,320 --> 00:53:52,239
I just question,
constantly question, right--
1425
00:53:52,240 --> 00:53:53,879
we're pitted against each other,
people who want kids,
1426
00:53:53,880 --> 00:53:55,079
people who don't want kids.
1427
00:53:55,080 --> 00:53:57,279
It's still quite--
my motivations, I'll admit,
1428
00:53:57,280 --> 00:53:58,999
they oscillate!
They oscillate
1429
00:53:59,000 --> 00:54:01,359
about not having kids
between two positions
1430
00:54:01,360 --> 00:54:02,999
depending on my level
of self-esteem
1431
00:54:03,000 --> 00:54:04,479
at that moment in time, right?
1432
00:54:04,480 --> 00:54:06,359
Like, if I'm feeling
good about myself,
1433
00:54:06,360 --> 00:54:08,479
the reasoning is that,
well, my grandparents,
1434
00:54:08,480 --> 00:54:12,479
my parents, they perfected
the recipe, over and out, right.
1435
00:54:12,480 --> 00:54:15,919
It's either that, or,
if I'm feeling bad about myself,
1436
00:54:15,920 --> 00:54:19,239
it is, whatever this is
has to end.
1437
00:54:19,240 --> 00:54:23,480
And you need to be the
one who does it, girl.
1438
00:54:25,120 --> 00:54:26,399
But it's crazy, like,
1439
00:54:26,400 --> 00:54:29,239
it was an amazing thing
to realize about myself,
1440
00:54:29,240 --> 00:54:30,359
and I had Margaret
to thank for that.
1441
00:54:30,360 --> 00:54:32,079
Because that's genuinely
gonna have an effect
1442
00:54:32,080 --> 00:54:33,679
on all of the relationships
1443
00:54:33,680 --> 00:54:35,479
I embark on going ahead.
1444
00:54:35,480 --> 00:54:38,639
And I have Margaret
to thank for that,
1445
00:54:38,640 --> 00:54:41,559
a woman--a fucking America,
elderly woman
1446
00:54:41,560 --> 00:54:42,919
who would make these podcasts
I'd listen to
1447
00:54:42,920 --> 00:54:44,279
every night before bed.
1448
00:54:44,280 --> 00:54:46,959
And beyond that, right, I think
Margaret taught me that--
1449
00:54:46,960 --> 00:54:49,639
it's so cheesy to say,
but she taught me that--
1450
00:54:49,640 --> 00:54:50,559
you can't really give up.
1451
00:54:50,560 --> 00:54:53,039
I was at a fucking low,
low spot, right,
1452
00:54:53,040 --> 00:54:55,519
when I was listening to her,
and she told me
1453
00:54:55,520 --> 00:54:57,879
that you have to keep the faith,
I think.
1454
00:54:57,880 --> 00:55:00,079
Because sometimes, I think,
1455
00:55:00,080 --> 00:55:01,719
this is the necessary thing.
1456
00:55:01,720 --> 00:55:03,199
This is necessary.
1457
00:55:03,200 --> 00:55:04,519
To go through
all of this fucking--
1458
00:55:04,520 --> 00:55:07,319
all the shitty little things,
all 16,000 words of it.
1459
00:55:07,320 --> 00:55:10,559
And it's all delivering you,
hopefully, to that person--
1460
00:55:10,560 --> 00:55:13,959
that person who is gonna say,
in whatever form,
1461
00:55:13,960 --> 00:55:15,999
I'll be with you till the end.
1462
00:55:16,000 --> 00:55:17,199
And it's never
the fucking first suitcase
1463
00:55:17,200 --> 00:55:19,279
around the baggage claim,
is it?
1464
00:55:19,280 --> 00:55:21,719
It takes a few goes round--
unless your business class,
1465
00:55:21,720 --> 00:55:23,599
to be fair.
1466
00:55:23,600 --> 00:55:24,519
And, uh, yeah.
1467
00:55:24,520 --> 00:55:26,479
So yeah, I have her
to thank for that.
1468
00:55:26,480 --> 00:55:28,079
And I believed her.
And I'm glad I did.
1469
00:55:28,080 --> 00:55:31,079
'Cause a year on, now, later,
from this note,
1470
00:55:31,080 --> 00:55:33,199
I am actually engaged,
which is very exciting.
1471
00:55:33,200 --> 00:55:35,959
[cheers and applause]
1472
00:55:35,960 --> 00:55:38,919
Of course I'm not engaged.
1473
00:55:38,920 --> 00:55:39,959
I--
1474
00:55:39,960 --> 00:55:42,400
what?
1475
00:55:44,280 --> 00:55:45,760
Sorry.
1476
00:55:50,120 --> 00:55:54,039
Have any of you been listening
1477
00:55:54,040 --> 00:55:56,999
to a single thing
1478
00:55:57,000 --> 00:56:00,039
I have been saying?
1479
00:56:00,040 --> 00:56:02,999
Of course I'm not engaged!
1480
00:56:03,000 --> 00:56:07,159
Why would I be--also,
why would I tell you?
1481
00:56:07,160 --> 00:56:09,279
I don't know any of you.
1482
00:56:09,280 --> 00:56:10,119
Uh, no, yeah.
1483
00:56:10,120 --> 00:56:11,119
That is a dirty trick.
1484
00:56:11,120 --> 00:56:13,120
But that was on you, I think.
1485
00:56:15,680 --> 00:56:18,359
Uh, I will tell you
what actually happened.
1486
00:56:18,360 --> 00:56:19,359
Yeah?
1487
00:56:19,360 --> 00:56:20,919
I'm not engaged.
1488
00:56:20,920 --> 00:56:22,279
I'll tell you what
actually happened,
1489
00:56:22,280 --> 00:56:24,959
and that is that I was
very, very sad.
1490
00:56:24,960 --> 00:56:26,439
I was very sad.
1491
00:56:26,440 --> 00:56:27,679
And I didn't know why.
1492
00:56:27,680 --> 00:56:28,679
I didn't have the
answers to this,
1493
00:56:28,680 --> 00:56:29,839
because it wasn't
a particularly,
1494
00:56:29,840 --> 00:56:31,719
you know,
important relationship, right.
1495
00:56:31,720 --> 00:56:34,079
But I feel like that's what
happens with breakups, yeah?
1496
00:56:34,080 --> 00:56:36,159
You don't know which one
is gonna take you out.
1497
00:56:36,160 --> 00:56:37,879
It's like having a bad oyster.
1498
00:56:37,880 --> 00:56:39,199
It's just one of them just
1499
00:56:39,200 --> 00:56:41,079
fucking knocks you on your ass,
right,
1500
00:56:41,080 --> 00:56:42,839
And this is the case
with this one.
1501
00:56:42,840 --> 00:56:45,119
So I was desperate,
1502
00:56:45,120 --> 00:56:48,519
and I found myself, uh,
1503
00:56:48,520 --> 00:56:49,919
deciding I was gonna do it.
1504
00:56:49,920 --> 00:56:52,719
I was going to book Margaret
1505
00:56:52,720 --> 00:56:56,799
for a one-on-one
1506
00:56:56,800 --> 00:56:59,159
Zoom coaching session.
1507
00:56:59,160 --> 00:57:02,799
600 US dollars!
1508
00:57:02,800 --> 00:57:04,359
Yeah.
Oh, you're right to gasp.
1509
00:57:04,360 --> 00:57:05,959
Yeah. Whoa.
1510
00:57:05,960 --> 00:57:09,559
No offense,
I can afford that.
1511
00:57:09,560 --> 00:57:13,399
Because I'm a very dangerous
mix of financially stable
1512
00:57:13,400 --> 00:57:15,239
and mentally unwell.
1513
00:57:15,240 --> 00:57:19,079
So I am ripe
for swindling, right?
1514
00:57:19,080 --> 00:57:22,320
I'm like Shelley Winters in
every film she's ever been in.
1515
00:57:25,880 --> 00:57:28,239
It's a niche joke.
1516
00:57:28,240 --> 00:57:33,159
So I went to the website,
and I--
1517
00:57:33,160 --> 00:57:35,359
I went to what I assume
would be like a booking form,
1518
00:57:35,360 --> 00:57:37,759
like a contact form to put
in my details and all that.
1519
00:57:37,760 --> 00:57:40,079
And, uh, there was none.
1520
00:57:40,080 --> 00:57:42,479
There was just
a YouTube thumbnail
1521
00:57:42,480 --> 00:57:45,679
that had this little title
on the thumbnail.
1522
00:57:45,680 --> 00:57:47,159
And it just said,
1523
00:57:47,160 --> 00:57:50,160
"A very difficult announcement."
1524
00:57:51,360 --> 00:57:54,519
[laughing] Yeah.
1525
00:57:54,520 --> 00:57:55,519
Yeah.
1526
00:57:55,520 --> 00:57:56,879
So, yeah,
1527
00:57:56,880 --> 00:57:59,759
Margaret died.
1528
00:57:59,760 --> 00:58:01,479
Oh!
1529
00:58:01,480 --> 00:58:03,879
Amazing reaction
from people who found out
1530
00:58:03,880 --> 00:58:06,319
she existed five minutes ago.
1531
00:58:06,320 --> 00:58:08,599
Come on off it.
1532
00:58:08,600 --> 00:58:10,519
But fair enough.
1533
00:58:10,520 --> 00:58:13,039
No, that's true.
I know. It's crazy, right?
1534
00:58:13,040 --> 00:58:14,279
It's crazy. But--
1535
00:58:14,280 --> 00:58:16,879
[laughing] Sorry.
1536
00:58:16,880 --> 00:58:18,359
Not only had she died,
1537
00:58:18,360 --> 00:58:20,799
sorry, it turns out
1538
00:58:20,800 --> 00:58:23,719
she had been dead
1539
00:58:23,720 --> 00:58:27,159
the entire time
1540
00:58:27,160 --> 00:58:29,799
I had been listening
to her podcast
1541
00:58:29,800 --> 00:58:31,199
and reading her work.
1542
00:58:31,200 --> 00:58:35,079
But I don't know if anyone's
ever been Sixth-Sensed before,
1543
00:58:35,080 --> 00:58:37,959
but doesn't feel good.
1544
00:58:37,960 --> 00:58:39,600
Doesn't feel good.
1545
00:58:40,800 --> 00:58:44,319
Sorry, is that not insane
to anyone?
1546
00:58:44,320 --> 00:58:47,839
Guys, for months, I had been
taking the advice from a woman
1547
00:58:47,840 --> 00:58:50,679
who no longer existed.
1548
00:58:50,680 --> 00:58:51,879
What the fuck is that?
1549
00:58:51,880 --> 00:58:53,079
It's terrifying.
1550
00:58:53,080 --> 00:58:54,279
I find that
so fucking terrifying,
1551
00:58:54,280 --> 00:58:56,959
the idea that there was
a version of ourselves
1552
00:58:56,960 --> 00:58:58,319
out there forever.
1553
00:58:58,320 --> 00:59:00,159
There's a version of Margaret
out there in the ether,
1554
00:59:00,160 --> 00:59:02,759
fucking living on forever
and ever, never to be deleted.
1555
00:59:02,760 --> 00:59:04,639
That's petrifying to me.
What happens to me?
1556
00:59:04,640 --> 00:59:05,999
What happens to me?
1557
00:59:06,000 --> 00:59:07,679
What happens to--
what happens to my--
1558
00:59:07,680 --> 00:59:09,719
what's my legacy to the next
generation, if that's the case?
1559
00:59:09,720 --> 00:59:10,799
Is it this note?
1560
00:59:10,800 --> 00:59:11,879
This note!
1561
00:59:11,880 --> 00:59:13,559
This fucking note!
1562
00:59:13,560 --> 00:59:15,720
Cucumbersome, is that it?
1563
00:59:17,920 --> 00:59:19,879
It can't be.
1564
00:59:19,880 --> 00:59:21,639
And that's--you know what?
1565
00:59:21,640 --> 00:59:25,079
That is the weird thing about
even doing this show, right?
1566
00:59:25,080 --> 00:59:26,999
Because it's the same
as Margaret,
1567
00:59:27,000 --> 00:59:29,999
in the sense that Margaret
doesn't exist anymore,
1568
00:59:30,000 --> 00:59:31,799
but the person
who wrote this note
1569
00:59:31,800 --> 00:59:33,479
doesn't exist either, right?
1570
00:59:33,480 --> 00:59:37,839
I barely recognize the woman
behind these words.
1571
00:59:37,840 --> 00:59:40,159
And yet, I know,
1572
00:59:40,160 --> 00:59:41,999
the next time
my heart gets broken,
1573
00:59:42,000 --> 00:59:44,839
I'll fucking meet her again, right?
1574
00:59:44,840 --> 00:59:45,959
Because that's how it works.
1575
00:59:45,960 --> 00:59:48,199
People don't actually change, right.
1576
00:59:48,200 --> 00:59:50,039
This is locked in forever.
1577
00:59:50,040 --> 00:59:52,839
I'm gonna make the same mistakes
1578
00:59:52,840 --> 00:59:55,839
over and over and over again
1579
00:59:55,840 --> 00:59:58,079
on an endless loop.
1580
00:59:58,080 --> 01:00:00,599
And the only thing
I can do right now
1581
01:00:00,600 --> 01:00:04,799
is pull together
whatever scraps of wisdom I have
1582
01:00:04,800 --> 01:00:06,919
in this moment--
1583
01:00:06,920 --> 01:00:11,039
yeah--pass it to the
next version of myself,
1584
01:00:11,040 --> 01:00:14,959
and hope, fucking pray,
1585
01:00:14,960 --> 01:00:17,400
that she does a better job.
1586
01:00:18,840 --> 01:00:21,999
So that's it, really.
1587
01:00:22,000 --> 01:00:24,119
But to be absolutely fair,
1588
01:00:24,120 --> 01:00:26,239
I did warn you at the start.
1589
01:00:26,240 --> 01:00:28,759
I am very bad at endings.
1590
01:00:28,760 --> 01:00:30,359
[cheers and applause]
1591
01:00:30,360 --> 01:00:33,519
[Janet Jackson
"The Pleasure Principle"]
1592
01:00:33,520 --> 01:00:40,640
♪ ♪