1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:41,919 Stop. Stop! Stop, stop. 4 00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:43,319 Seriously, stop. 5 00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:45,879 Sit down. 6 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:47,439 No, none of you. Stand up. 7 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:50,959 Uh, I am very bad at endings. 8 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:52,279 OK? 9 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:53,759 Remember that. 10 00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:55,239 I can explain myself there. 11 00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:56,839 That will make a lot more sense once I explain to you 12 00:01:56,840 --> 00:01:59,319 what this entire show is based on. 13 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:02,239 So the entire show--do not worry, it's a very simple show. 14 00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:05,039 It's a very simple show based on one very simple, 15 00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:07,359 humble note. Yeah? 16 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:11,519 One note from the Notes application off my iPhone. 17 00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:14,239 We're all familiar with the concept, yeah? 18 00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:16,039 If you don't know what the Notes application is, 19 00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:19,079 it's a place where people of my general age, 20 00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:20,719 and background, 21 00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:23,559 and level of mental health go 22 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:26,079 to express our deepest, 23 00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:28,919 darkest, most intimate thoughts. 24 00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:30,359 Yes? 25 00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:35,079 Onto what we all know is the most secure app of all time. 26 00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:36,519 Is it not? 27 00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:38,439 The one that's been uploaded to every fucking Mac device 28 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:40,279 you've ever touched or thought of 29 00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:41,999 in the past five years, right? 30 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:43,479 So I love the Notes app. 31 00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:45,159 I want to say it. I'm a big fan. 32 00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:46,559 I love the Notes app, because it's such a fucking 33 00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:48,199 versatile app, right? It's a versatile app. 34 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:49,479 It can do everything. 35 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:53,239 I find it bizarre that it often platforms, I guess, 36 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,879 the entire breadth of the human experience. 37 00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:59,119 I read so much in the format of a Notes app, yeah? 38 00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:02,159 I find it bizarre that I can read my own shopping list, 39 00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:05,919 yeah, in the same general style and font as I quite often read 40 00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:09,639 a celebrity apologizing for making a racial slur, right? 41 00:03:09,640 --> 00:03:12,079 Get you an app that can do both, right? 42 00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:14,799 And I love the Notes app, because I have come 43 00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:16,999 to rely on it purely because the fact-- 44 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:20,479 and I'll get it out of the way up top, controversial-- 45 00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:22,319 I hate writing in notebooks. 46 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:23,479 OK? 47 00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:26,519 I hate seeing people 48 00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:28,199 writing in notebooks. 49 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:32,479 I hate seeing people writing in notebooks in public. 50 00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:35,519 It's fucking pathetic, yeah? 51 00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:37,479 I'm saying it. 52 00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:40,039 The worst comes out of me when I see someone writing 53 00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:41,599 in a notebook in public. 54 00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:43,999 Honestly, it's a little voice being like, such a clever girl. 55 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:45,280 Aren't you so-- 56 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:47,080 So special... 57 00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:49,319 ...in your notebook. 58 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:50,399 Oh, so-- 59 00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:54,399 Visited by the muse at this 60 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:56,159 fucking Five Guys 61 00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:58,239 in the Westfield Food Court. 62 00:03:58,240 --> 00:04:00,319 So I put pen to paper there, doll. 63 00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:03,559 I once saw a woman journaling on a public beach once. 64 00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:05,759 Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. 65 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:06,999 How dare you? 66 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:08,519 I went up to her, and I was like, I'm so sorry. 67 00:04:08,520 --> 00:04:10,759 I didn't realize we had a writer in our midst. 68 00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:12,159 Yes! 69 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:15,079 Mr. Ernest Hemingway has graced us 70 00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:16,319 with his presence. 71 00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:18,239 Now, if you'll excuse me, some of us must return 72 00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:20,119 to taking photos of ourselves 73 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:22,159 to send to men who do not care for our company. 74 00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:24,039 Good day. 75 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:26,799 Some real work to be done, huh? 76 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:27,799 I don't know if that's crazy. 77 00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:28,799 I just hate writing in notebooks. 78 00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:29,799 I hate seeing people write. 79 00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:30,839 I just hate everything about it. 80 00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:32,479 For me, writing in a notebook, 81 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:34,119 it used to fucking mean something. 82 00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:35,519 That's what I'm talking about, right? 83 00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:38,959 Used to mean you're a detective. 84 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:41,039 Or one other example, I don't know, 85 00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:42,159 the Zodiac Killer. 86 00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:45,119 It's either or, right? 87 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:47,079 It just-- I find it bizarre that anyone 88 00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:49,639 can buy a fucking Moleskine diary, right? 89 00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:52,079 You should have to have a fucking license 90 00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:53,399 to buy a Moleskine. 91 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:55,079 I think there should be a direct correlation 92 00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:56,959 between the quality of your ideas 93 00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:59,559 and the GSM weight of your paper. 94 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:00,839 And I'll die on that hill, baby. 95 00:05:00,840 --> 00:05:02,879 OK? 96 00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:05,599 I will say that I will admit to this one thing 97 00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:07,719 I use a notebook for still, 98 00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:09,839 and that is that I... 99 00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:11,479 track my period in a notebook. 100 00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:14,999 I've taken--yeah, I've taken that shit off grid. 101 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:16,759 I suggest you do the same as well 102 00:05:16,760 --> 00:05:18,559 if you experience a period yourselves. 103 00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:20,999 Because, personally, I don't love the idea of those apps 104 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:23,919 and the fact that the fat cats up at Silicon Valley 105 00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:28,439 know exactly when I want to kill myself. 106 00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:31,399 Keep that information close to your chest, right? 107 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:32,839 It's valuable information. 108 00:05:32,840 --> 00:05:34,519 It's very hard to explain 109 00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:36,559 to people who do not experience a period 110 00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:38,639 how obsessed one can become, right, 111 00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:40,199 with tracking your period. 112 00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:41,319 I don't just track the period. 113 00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:42,479 I track everything around it as well. 114 00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:44,279 I track all the fucking foods I'm craving, 115 00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:45,599 all the thoughts I'm feeling. 116 00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:47,319 And it's so difficult to express that to someone 117 00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:48,639 who doesn't have a period. 118 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:49,959 And I have to say to them, my brother, 119 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:52,959 if there was something that happened 120 00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:55,239 in your balls 121 00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:57,399 every month 122 00:05:57,400 --> 00:06:00,800 that made you want to move to Berlin... 123 00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:05,279 And start a new life, yeah, 124 00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:07,839 you'd be listening to a podcast or two as well. 125 00:06:07,840 --> 00:06:09,599 So back the fuck off! 126 00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:10,840 Back off! 127 00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:15,159 Um... 128 00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:17,239 I find it bizarre that I wasn't taught to track my period, 129 00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:19,159 though, at a younger age. I find that crazy. 130 00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:21,999 I didn't start doing that until I was deep into my 20s, right? 131 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:24,399 I--for some reason-- I don't know if it's the same 132 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:26,879 in this country, but in New Zealand, 133 00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:28,999 for some reason-- the responsibility 134 00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:32,999 of teaching one about one's menstrual cycle growing up 135 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:35,759 for some reason fell upon the fucking shoulders 136 00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:38,479 of the PE teacher. 137 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:40,999 I don't know if anyone else has this. 138 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:42,279 So that meant-- 139 00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:45,199 I had an adult man 140 00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:48,559 called Nick Wilson, yeah-- 141 00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:50,079 bleach blonde hair, backwards cap, 142 00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:51,679 fucking Oakley sunglasses on top. 143 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:53,919 You know that look that makes a cat look like it's got eyes, 144 00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:55,359 you know? 145 00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:57,599 He was holding up a little teacup as a prop, being like, 146 00:06:57,600 --> 00:07:00,599 you'll bleed a teacups worth of blood every month. 147 00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:02,599 And I'd be 11, being like, into that cup? 148 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:04,360 What are you talking about? 149 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:06,679 It's insane. 150 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:08,559 The PE teacher, the most emotionally inept 151 00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:10,679 of the entire fucking faculty. 152 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:14,119 It's not even a real fucking job, man. 153 00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:15,479 But back to this note. This note. 154 00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:17,039 Now, I will tell you a bit about this note. 155 00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:19,879 This note I started 156 00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:21,759 at a rather tricky time in my life. 157 00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:23,319 I'll be the first to admit it. Yeah? 158 00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:25,519 That's usually when you do start a note 159 00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:27,959 in the Notes app of one's phone. 160 00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:30,279 Uh, I had started living alone for the first time in my life 161 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:31,919 as an adult. 162 00:07:31,920 --> 00:07:33,359 I went through a couple of breakups. 163 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:34,519 Why not, huh? 164 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:36,319 I lost the lid to my KeepCup. 165 00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:38,599 It was not a banner year for old Rosie. 166 00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:40,119 Right? 167 00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:42,119 So I started this note, and I started treating it 168 00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:43,119 almost as, like, this diary. 169 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:44,519 I put everything into it. 170 00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:46,719 Everything I was feeling, every crazy emotion I was having 171 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,119 amongst all the other things you'd put 172 00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:49,359 in the Notes app, right? 173 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:52,079 Like recipes I saw online or fucking joke ideas, 174 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:55,519 everything went into this one single note, yeah? 175 00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:57,919 And at certain point last year, 176 00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:00,799 I was like, fucking hell, man, this is fucking good. 177 00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:03,079 There's some good shit in this note, man. 178 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:06,599 I can make it--maybe I can do a show about this note, yeah? 179 00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:10,239 I might print out this note. 180 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:13,439 Now, I would not recommend that 181 00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:15,639 to anybody in the room right now, yeah? 182 00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:17,599 Because the thing you'll know about the Notes app 183 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:20,439 and notes in the Notes app is that there is no ending 184 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:21,839 to a note in a Notes app. 185 00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:23,919 But it turns out that endings are important, yeah? 186 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,279 Endings are what give things meaning. 187 00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:27,359 It gives us a moment to reflect upon the experience 188 00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:28,439 we've just had. 189 00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:29,599 Without endings, 190 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:31,439 we have no moment to sort of learn a lesson. 191 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:32,959 We just make the same mistakes over and over again 192 00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:34,439 on an endless fucking loop. 193 00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:36,079 But I did not know this. I did not know this, right? 194 00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:38,199 So I, first of all, first mistake, 195 00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:40,719 took the note over to a Microsoft Word document, 196 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:41,879 migrated it over. 197 00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:44,199 Fucking carnage, yeah? 198 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:45,319 Formatting is all over the show. 199 00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:46,799 Fonts are missing. 200 00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:48,319 It's not its natural habitat to see a note 201 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:49,999 in a Microsoft Word document. 202 00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:51,519 It's like seeing a fucking teacher in a supermarket. 203 00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:53,399 It's not right. 204 00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:56,199 What the fuck are you doing here, man? 205 00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:57,639 So I printed it out. 206 00:08:57,640 --> 00:08:58,919 And I didn't check-- 207 00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:02,279 I didn't check how many words there were. 208 00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:03,919 I wrote that. 209 00:09:03,920 --> 00:09:05,320 That just says "good luck." 210 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:11,599 Keep it in, you cowards! 211 00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:14,319 So I printed out the note 212 00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:16,760 and didn't check how many-- 213 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:20,079 Actually how many words, or how many pages. 214 00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:21,999 And so, it started printing. 215 00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:26,319 And, um, it kept printing and kept printing. 216 00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:29,239 Print, print, print, print, print, print, print, print. 217 00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:32,559 This printer was literally addicted to printing, OK? 218 00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:35,079 30 pages, 219 00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:38,359 size 10 font. 220 00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:39,479 Whoo! 221 00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:41,279 Now, I don't know at what point a note 222 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:42,999 goes from being a note 223 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:46,879 to some sort of unhinged manifesto of sorts. 224 00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:51,039 Uh, 16,000 words perhaps? 225 00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:54,159 16,000 wor-- 226 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:56,159 Valerie Solanas, 227 00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:59,359 the woman who shot Andy Warhol, 228 00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:02,479 her manifesto was 24,000 words. 229 00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:03,559 All right? 230 00:10:03,560 --> 00:10:05,039 And I don't want to toot my own trumpet, 231 00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:08,479 but I could fucking hit that shit by Christmas if I tried. 232 00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:09,919 And I'm gonna tell you right now, 233 00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:13,200 it is not an easy read. 234 00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:16,479 I will only share one thing verbatim from the note 235 00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:17,799 to just give you an indication 236 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:20,279 as to my emotional state at the time of starting it. 237 00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:22,879 Um, here it is. 238 00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:24,919 And, uh, this has not been embellished for the show. 239 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:27,279 This is truly how the entire note starts. 240 00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:28,679 Just one sentence, one simple sentence, 241 00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:29,839 and it says, 242 00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:31,919 "I may have a lot of problems, 243 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:33,639 but at least I have a heart." 244 00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:35,359 No, thank you. No, thank you. 245 00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:36,359 No, thank you. 246 00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:38,359 No, no, no, no, no. 247 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:40,759 No! No! 248 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:42,400 No, no, no, no. 249 00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:46,839 Not for me that, as a personality, that. 250 00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:51,319 What sort of Myspace liminal hell 251 00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:54,919 is this bitch communicating from? 252 00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:57,639 Uh, and as I say, 253 00:10:57,640 --> 00:11:00,039 it's not only, you know, all this emo shit, 254 00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:02,079 it's, like, just random, normal things mixed up. 255 00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:04,959 Like joke ideas splayed into--like here, 256 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:07,840 it just says just the word "cucumbersome." 257 00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:10,439 It's apparently a word I've invented 258 00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:12,159 for when you're holding too many cucumbers. 259 00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:16,599 So tonally, it's all over the show. 260 00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:19,079 And what became so clear to me reading this note, right, 261 00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:22,839 is that I am very bad at endings, yeah? 262 00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:24,399 I am very bad at things ending. 263 00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:25,959 I'm very bad at relationships ending. 264 00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:27,959 I do not take that too well. 265 00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,519 Another example of this, I'll give you this, um, 266 00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:31,679 it's quite hard to actually do this, 267 00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:33,839 because I can see a lot of your faces, 268 00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:36,039 and it's a truly vulnerable thing to admit 269 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:37,759 because it's entirely true. 270 00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:40,519 At a certain point in the most recent breakup I went through, 271 00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:44,839 I genuinely found myself googling the phrase, 272 00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:47,279 "can you be broken up with 273 00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:49,679 for being too cool?" 274 00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:52,839 Now-- 275 00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:55,719 the cocky energy of that phrase alone 276 00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:57,799 could power a small village. 277 00:11:57,800 --> 00:11:59,759 Do you understand that? 278 00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:01,319 Incognito mode, of course, if I fucking-- 279 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:03,359 of course, straight to incognito mode as well. 280 00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:05,079 I'm not an idiot, right? 281 00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:07,519 Don't want that purple linking me. 282 00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:09,679 I think incognito mode gets a bad rap for being the thing 283 00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:11,159 you go into when you want to search something a bit cheeky 284 00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:13,279 but naughty, right? Not for me. Not for me. 285 00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:15,599 That's where I go to search my most private 286 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:17,279 anxiety spirals, right, 287 00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:19,839 to their natural end with no paper trail. 288 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:21,879 But you'll know this, you get to make it fun 289 00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:26,199 because you get to put on little hat... 290 00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:28,039 and some glasses 291 00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:30,679 and pretend to be someone else for a while, 292 00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:34,200 when really this is the truest version of yourself. 293 00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:38,239 So it fully-- 294 00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:40,159 and honestly, it shocked me, I think. 295 00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:41,399 It shocked me that I found myself 296 00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:43,839 googling something like this, because, look, 297 00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:45,719 I am an adult woman. I am an adult woman. 298 00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:48,599 I have been through heartbreak before, OK? 299 00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:50,479 I've done it all. I've done every iteration of it. 300 00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:51,639 I've been the dumper. 301 00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,239 I've been the dumpee. Yeah? 302 00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:56,079 I once got dumped over the phone during COVID, 303 00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:57,399 which was pretty gnarly. 304 00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:00,839 I like to refer to that as the reverse Soulja Boy. 305 00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:03,199 Which is a good litmus test 306 00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,879 to see how many people my age are in the crowd. 307 00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:08,359 And I'm gonna be honest, 308 00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:12,279 that's a--that's-- that's a good amount. 309 00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:15,040 I once dumped a man on a trampoline. 310 00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:17,639 Not my finest hour. 311 00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:20,639 In my defense, not bouncing. 312 00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:21,959 Sort of just sitting on it. 313 00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:27,439 Sort of just, you know, sadly undulating, I guess. 314 00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:28,959 Don't know if that's worse. 315 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:31,719 I, uh--I got broken up with 316 00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:33,039 for the reasoning that the person said to me. 317 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:35,199 He said, I don't think I love you 318 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:36,919 as much as you love me. 319 00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:38,679 I don't love you as much as you love me. 320 00:13:38,680 --> 00:13:40,399 Brutal, awful, right? 321 00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,279 No. Which, then, an hour later into the breakup 322 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:43,719 was actually upgraded to, 323 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:46,599 oh, I actually don't know if I love you at all. 324 00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:49,759 To which I replied, I would actually love to accept 325 00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:53,119 your first offer of-- 326 00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:54,479 I've actually talked to my team. 327 00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:55,559 We're actually really happy with that 328 00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:57,079 if that's still on the table. 329 00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:58,359 It's like "Dragon's Den" where you have to talk to the wall. 330 00:13:58,360 --> 00:13:59,999 And you're like, I think we should take it. 331 00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:01,160 I think we should take it. 332 00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:05,199 It's a horrible thing to hear it said to you, right? 333 00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:08,639 Like, it was a horrible thing to say to someone's face. 334 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:11,159 Also, I think it was a fundamental misunderstanding 335 00:14:11,160 --> 00:14:13,719 between the situation between this person and myself, 336 00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:15,439 this man and myself. Because that is true. 337 00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:16,879 If I'm in a relationship with you, 338 00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:18,919 I fucking love the shit out of you, man! 339 00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:20,639 Yeah? Yeah, I'll fucking go hard. 340 00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:24,199 I go hard in the paint for love-- 341 00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:26,319 if that makes sense. Right? 342 00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:29,119 But what I don't think this man understands, 343 00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:30,559 and a lot of men I've been out with 344 00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:32,039 haven't fully quite grasped, 345 00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:33,839 is that I do love them, 346 00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:36,599 but it's actually how little I respect them. 347 00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:38,479 And do you know what? 348 00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:40,920 And surely that's got to balance the scales. 349 00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:45,799 Is that too harsh to say? 350 00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:47,199 Of course I respect some men. 351 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:48,880 Jim Henson. 352 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:53,359 The list goes on. 353 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:56,559 The list is a work in progress, OK? 354 00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:58,919 I think what hurt about hearing it, though, is that I-- 355 00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:00,799 I mean, there's an obvious truth to that statement, right? 356 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,359 Because that is true. I am a romantic person, right. 357 00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:03,799 I fucking go hard. 358 00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:06,079 I can't change the fact that I'm a romantic person, yeah? 359 00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:08,119 I think it's a symptom of the generation 360 00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:09,599 that I grew up in, right? 361 00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:11,959 I think, as a generation, we were taught 362 00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:14,639 that romantic love was the ultimate form of love 363 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:16,279 to pursue no matter what, right. 364 00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:18,719 And everything we listened to, and watched, and read, 365 00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:19,959 everything taught us that romantic love 366 00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:22,039 is to be put on a pedestal, to doggedly pursue 367 00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:23,479 no matter what the cost. 368 00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:25,879 And I think it's fucked me up as an adult person, right? 369 00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:28,079 'Cause It's turned me into this person who looks back 370 00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:29,639 to past relationships, relationships that didn't 371 00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:32,159 work out, that were actively bad for me. 372 00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:33,479 But I still look back with these sort of 373 00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:35,199 rose-tinted glasses, right? 374 00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:37,119 Almost like a little truffle, but going back in time 375 00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:39,359 to hunt in my memory for little moments of euphoric love 376 00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:41,439 to sort of chomp on years and years later 377 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:43,399 for a little hit of dopamine in the present. 378 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:45,079 And it's fucking pathetic, right? 379 00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:47,199 'Cause it feels like going through an advent calendar 380 00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:48,959 I've already eaten, yeah? 381 00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:51,799 Just to rip open little cardboard perforated doors 382 00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:53,639 to stare at a plastic mold 383 00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:56,919 and desperately try to remember what the chocolate tasted like! 384 00:15:56,920 --> 00:15:59,039 Not all of these will be jokes! 385 00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:00,359 OK? 386 00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:01,399 Some of them-- 387 00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:04,039 No! 388 00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:07,519 Some of them will be very sad poems that don't rhyme. 389 00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:08,999 All right? 390 00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:12,440 That's the most one-woman show I get, I promise. 391 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:14,879 But you know what I mean? 392 00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:17,279 I think--I think the generation below us now 393 00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:18,879 have a very different idea when it comes to romance. 394 00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:20,359 I don't know if it's any better. 395 00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:22,799 It's this-- I've noticed this online 396 00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:25,359 that I've never sounded older 397 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:27,239 in my entire life. 398 00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:28,639 What are the young'uns are doing online? 399 00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:31,199 I've noticed this thing-- 400 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:34,119 is this concept of romanticizing 401 00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:35,799 your own life, right? 402 00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:38,039 I don't know if some people know about this. 403 00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:40,479 If you don't, basically the concept is that 404 00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:42,479 what you've got to do is you've got to add the romance 405 00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:44,559 to every little mundane thing in your life. 406 00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:46,079 Just go and make it romantic, yeah? 407 00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:47,999 So just make everything romantic and fun. 408 00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:50,319 So it'll be like make up and then make a cup of tea. 409 00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:51,879 Make a cup of tea, but make it cute. 410 00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:52,879 Make it cute. 411 00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:55,559 Maybe you could do the little doily. 412 00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:56,919 Well, you do it. 413 00:16:56,920 --> 00:16:59,519 Or you can maybe make it in a little antique teapot 414 00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:02,039 from fucking 1998. 415 00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:04,319 Leonardo. 416 00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:06,399 Or maybe you can wear a little nightgown while you do it 417 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:07,799 so you're like a little fucking Victorian ghost 418 00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:09,679 or some shit, right? 419 00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:11,079 Romanticize your own life. 420 00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:13,119 It'd be something like maybe you go to a café... 421 00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:16,239 And you write a note. 422 00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:18,799 And the note, it'd be like, have a nice day. 423 00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:20,279 And someone might find it, and read it, 424 00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:22,079 and feel good about themselves. 425 00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:24,359 Romanticize your own life. 426 00:17:24,360 --> 00:17:27,519 Now, this is a genuine question, 427 00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:29,679 and I ask it with love. 428 00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:33,159 Are the children well? 429 00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:34,199 Do you know what I mean? 430 00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:36,439 Because this is-- it's kind of insane. 431 00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:37,439 I love them. 432 00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:39,559 I love the children. I love the kids. 433 00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:42,719 But guys, you got to get your fucking heads in the game, 434 00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:45,199 because you're gonna be fighting for water reserves, 435 00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:47,439 "Mad Max" style, 436 00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:49,359 in, I want to say, two months time. 437 00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:52,039 So enough with the shit, right? 438 00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:54,159 It is--I think it's like a-- I kind of think 439 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,519 it's a generational trauma response, right, 440 00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:58,679 to a crumbling world around them, 441 00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:02,599 which I think has resulted in a level of whimsy 442 00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:05,679 I have not encountered in years, OK? 443 00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:07,319 And I fucking know whimsy! 444 00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:08,519 I grew up in the 2010s! 445 00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:10,679 I fucking know whimsy! 446 00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:13,719 I'm part of the "Amélie" generation. 447 00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:14,919 Je suis, Amélie. 448 00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:16,799 Justice for Amélie. 449 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:19,439 She's a good bitch. 450 00:18:19,440 --> 00:18:21,839 Amélie, to women of my age, she's our Travis Bickle. 451 00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:24,439 She really is. 452 00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:28,359 Yeah, that joke gets absolutely nothing every time I do it, 453 00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:30,599 and yet I continue doing it. 454 00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:32,720 And that's what courage is, OK? 455 00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:36,879 I just think it's just so sweet, though. 456 00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:38,799 It's just so sweet, because these children 457 00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:40,439 almost act as if they've invented 458 00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:42,359 the very concept of whimsy, right. 459 00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:44,879 And I have to be like, my child, my child, 460 00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:46,559 let me ask you a question. 461 00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:47,839 Have you-- 462 00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:49,399 have you ever worn 463 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:52,399 a top hat 464 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:55,759 at the height of summer 465 00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:59,559 to a Panic! at the Disco concert 466 00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:02,959 to impress a bisexual boy who hates you? 467 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:04,239 All right. 468 00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:06,599 I have done things that would make you shudder! 469 00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:08,319 I know whimsy! 470 00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:11,160 Respect your elders. 471 00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:13,279 I, uh, 472 00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:14,839 if you don't know this concept, 473 00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:16,399 the romanticize your own life thing, 474 00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:17,839 I think you may be familiar with things 475 00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:20,119 that kind of fall under the umbrella of this sometimes. 476 00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:22,919 You may notice this in the algorithms-- 477 00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:25,439 the idea of dating yourself. 478 00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:27,479 I don't know if anyone has encountered this. 479 00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:31,399 It's a fucking rancid concept, yeah? 480 00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:33,399 'Cause I think it's aggressively targeted 481 00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:36,479 towards specifically single people in the algorithm. 482 00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:38,279 And the idea behind that is that what you've got to do 483 00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:39,799 is you can't wait sometimes. 484 00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:41,079 You can't wait for someone to take you out on a date, yeah? 485 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:42,319 What you just got to do, you got to take yourself 486 00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:43,319 out there, girl. 487 00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:46,079 Pop on a little bit of lippy. 488 00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:47,879 Pop on a little black dress. 489 00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:49,199 Yeah? 490 00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:51,519 And you're just gonna go out and by yourself, yeah? 491 00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:54,239 Go to a museum on your tod, hmm? 492 00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:57,920 Go for a meal alone, if you can fathom it. 493 00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:01,719 Now, I don't know what I missed 494 00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:03,919 in the past 10 years or so, 495 00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:05,439 but the last time I checked, 496 00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:07,799 that concept was just 497 00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:11,839 fucking living your goddamned life! 498 00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:15,319 What the fuck has happened to us as a society, 499 00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:17,079 where we have become so disconnected 500 00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:19,079 with the idea of solitude 501 00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:22,319 that we can no longer do anything by ourselves anymore 502 00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:24,519 without reframing it within the context 503 00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:26,919 of being in a relationship 504 00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:28,959 with oneself? 505 00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:30,359 Sorry! 506 00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:33,599 Do you think-- sorry, do you think-- 507 00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:37,439 do you really think, when you see... 508 00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:40,360 an old Italian man... 509 00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:46,399 Sitting down on a piazza, 510 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:48,079 having a little red wine, 511 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,639 a little cigarette, 512 00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:52,479 do you genuinely think that man 513 00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:55,839 is thinking to himself, 514 00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:59,919 just took myself on a little date, you know? 515 00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:00,920 Self-care. 516 00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:05,280 No! 517 00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:09,439 I think the weirdest one, though, by far, I will say, 518 00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:11,519 that has gone through this rebrand of doing something 519 00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:14,359 to oneself, um, is masturbation. 520 00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:15,959 Has to be. 521 00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:18,519 The rebrand of being in a relationship with oneself, 522 00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:19,799 rather, is masturbation. 523 00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:22,159 We call that having sex with ourselves now. 524 00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:23,839 No, thank you. Not for me. 525 00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:26,399 Not for me, that phrase. 526 00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:28,439 It's got a real single parents alone together vibe 527 00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:30,399 to that phrase that I don't love. 528 00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:31,679 You know? 529 00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:34,879 Also, I hate myself, let alone want to fuck her. 530 00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:37,519 Do you what I mean? Like... 531 00:21:37,520 --> 00:21:40,639 it's bad branding for those with low self-esteem, right. 532 00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:41,759 And again, I think it speaks to this idea 533 00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:42,759 that we just can't call something 534 00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:44,079 for what it is anymore, man. 535 00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:45,439 Just call-- 536 00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:47,919 it's call-- just call a wank, a wank, man. 537 00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:49,279 It's a fucking wank. 538 00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:50,719 It doesn't need to be anything more, anything less. 539 00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:52,239 It's just this-- let's stop making-- 540 00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:55,079 let's stop making everything special, yeah? 541 00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:57,520 Don't--don't light a candle. 542 00:22:00,280 --> 00:22:02,519 Can we agree on that in the room right now? 543 00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:07,359 Don't light a candle to have a wank, OK? 544 00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:10,039 The only times you should light a candle 545 00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:12,999 in this life are if someone dies 546 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:14,279 or takes a shit. 547 00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:16,799 And that is all. 548 00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:18,439 OK? 549 00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:20,879 So what was I saying? 550 00:22:20,880 --> 00:22:23,479 Oh, yes, I'm a romantic person. 551 00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:24,959 Clearly. 552 00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:27,519 And so, in my early 20s, I, uh-- about 10 years ago, 553 00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:29,719 my early 20s, I did what any romantic person 554 00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:31,399 would do, obviously. 555 00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:33,839 And that is that I moved to London, 556 00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:35,560 the City of Love. 557 00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:40,119 Sorry, that's supposed to be a joke. 558 00:22:40,120 --> 00:22:42,239 Have you been here? 559 00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:44,639 What the fuck is that? Um... 560 00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:46,479 I moved to London because of love. 561 00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:47,879 Classic me. 562 00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:49,399 And it was really hard to, I think, 563 00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:51,239 explain to my family and friends that-- 564 00:22:51,240 --> 00:22:53,719 or I guess reassure them that I was gonna be fine. 565 00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:54,839 I was a young woman moving to the other side 566 00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:55,999 of the world, right? 567 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,639 And very early on I found this quote, right, 568 00:22:57,640 --> 00:23:00,039 this incredible quote, that really sort of summed up 569 00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:02,279 the experience of what it is like to live 570 00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:04,239 in a bustling city like London. 571 00:23:04,240 --> 00:23:07,639 And it came from the Russian socialist Alexander Herzen, 572 00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:10,839 when he put it just perfectly about London life, 573 00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:14,559 when he said, "There is no town in the world more adapted" 574 00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:16,359 "training one away from people 575 00:23:16,360 --> 00:23:20,559 "and for training one into solitude than London. 576 00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:22,999 "The manner of life, the distances, the climate, 577 00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:25,719 "the very multitude of population in which personality 578 00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:27,839 "vanishes, all this together with an absence 579 00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:30,479 "of continental diversion, conduces, to the same effect. 580 00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:33,439 "One who knows how to live alone has nothing to fear 581 00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:35,359 "from the tedium of London. 582 00:23:35,360 --> 00:23:36,919 "The life here, like the air here, 583 00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:38,959 is bad for the weak, for the frail, 584 00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:41,679 "for one who seeks a prop outside himself, 585 00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:45,039 for one who looks for welcome, sympathy, attention." 586 00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:47,359 But I love the buses. 587 00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:48,799 That was me, not him. Um... 588 00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:51,239 Fuck the tube! Fuck the tube! 589 00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:52,959 I'm on the bus, where it's at. 590 00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:55,359 For me, I think a London bus, that's where the fucking stuff 591 00:23:55,360 --> 00:23:56,759 of life happens, man. 592 00:23:56,760 --> 00:23:57,999 Do you know what I mean? 593 00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,319 Like the godda--four kids crying their eyes out 594 00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:01,799 on the bottom deck of a bus. 595 00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:03,799 That's the stuff of life, yeah? 596 00:24:03,800 --> 00:24:07,199 A man clipping his fingernails 597 00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:10,999 for so long that at some point you kind of have to assume 598 00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:12,599 he has moved on to the toes. 599 00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:13,959 Yeah? 600 00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:15,959 SOL, baby. 601 00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:18,279 I was on my favorite bus the other day, the 73. 602 00:24:18,280 --> 00:24:19,919 Shout out to 73. Yeah! 603 00:24:19,920 --> 00:24:23,359 A couple fans. Classy bus. 604 00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:26,360 That's gonna go crazy in an international market, I think. 605 00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:30,239 73! 606 00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:31,959 I love the 73. It's my favorite bus, 607 00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:33,999 but I think something that happened on the 73 608 00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:36,839 recently really sort of summed up 609 00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:39,759 the kind of experience of how jaded one can become 610 00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:41,279 living in a city like London. 611 00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:42,999 And it was that this guy came on the 73, 612 00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:44,519 and he had a really good sound system, 613 00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:45,519 he had a really great speaker, and he was playing 614 00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:47,159 that song "Cheerleader." You know? 615 00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:48,639 ♪ I think that I found-- ♪ 616 00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:49,959 Great song. 617 00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:52,479 He was blasting that while also yelling at all of us 618 00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:55,799 that he wanted to kill us all. 619 00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:58,959 It was a real juxtaposition of vibes, I feel. 620 00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:01,919 It's like, pick a lane, mate. You know? 621 00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:03,519 But that wasn't even the funny bit. 622 00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:06,919 What was so funny, and what I found myself laughing at 623 00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:08,079 at the back of the bus, 624 00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:10,079 was that it became so clear so immediately 625 00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:14,439 that this man had clearly not paid for Spotify Premium. 626 00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:17,079 And so-- 627 00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:19,759 I don't know if anyone's ever had their life threatened 628 00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:22,199 to them before to the tune of a fucking Hello Fresh ad, 629 00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:26,959 but it is a weird experience, right. 630 00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:28,879 But that's what I love about London, man. 631 00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:30,919 I love London. It's a place for me. 632 00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:33,159 It's an introvert's dream, London. 633 00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:36,039 And I'm an introvert. That's why I love it. 634 00:25:36,040 --> 00:25:37,439 I love being an introvert. 635 00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:38,799 I'm proud of it. 636 00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:40,239 I hate extroverts. 637 00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:44,039 I find them both frightening and boring at the same time. 638 00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:47,239 I think, when you're younger, a certain level of extroversion 639 00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:48,839 is kind of forced upon you, 640 00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:50,679 even if you're an introvert when you're in your 20s. 641 00:25:50,680 --> 00:25:52,519 I dated a lot more in my 20s. 642 00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:54,079 I did that. That was fine. 643 00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:55,999 That was fine. It was great. 644 00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:57,039 It was fine. 645 00:25:57,040 --> 00:25:58,599 Dating in London in your 20s is fine. 646 00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:00,599 I will say this, though, and that is that the only downside 647 00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:03,559 to that is that quite often dating in London, 648 00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:04,959 what that does mean, is that 649 00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:07,359 you will often date British men. And-- 650 00:26:07,360 --> 00:26:11,959 No disrespect, no disrespect. 651 00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:14,239 But for me, personally, 652 00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:15,479 I'll say this, 653 00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:18,319 the experience of dating British men sometimes, 654 00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:24,399 for me, felt like some form of international diplomacy scheme 655 00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:28,039 in which I had been sent from the islands 656 00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:30,359 to come over here and teach men 657 00:26:30,360 --> 00:26:33,959 who went to boarding school how to cry. 658 00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:36,359 Unpaid! Unpaid! 659 00:26:36,360 --> 00:26:37,999 No. 660 00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:40,559 Sort of like reverse colonialism but make it fun, 661 00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:41,719 you know what I mean? 662 00:26:41,720 --> 00:26:43,399 A bit jaunty. 663 00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:45,439 And it was just-- it was a shocking experience. 664 00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:46,839 It was a culture shock to me. 665 00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:51,399 Because I had never met a proper posh person in my life. 666 00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:52,399 I'm from New Zealand. 667 00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:54,239 We don't fucking do posh people. 668 00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:57,039 What--what the fuck is going on 669 00:26:57,040 --> 00:26:58,039 with that lot? 670 00:26:58,040 --> 00:27:00,879 Seriously, genuinely. 671 00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:02,959 Some of them have family crests. 672 00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:04,879 I'm sorry. 673 00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:06,759 What are you talking about? 674 00:27:06,760 --> 00:27:08,159 My family does not have a crest 675 00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:10,479 if that is any indication as to my family's 676 00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:11,759 level of wealth or background. 677 00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:13,479 If my family had a crest, right, 678 00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:16,039 I think I imagine what it would look like is that in one corner 679 00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:18,279 it would just be like a picture of a box 680 00:27:18,280 --> 00:27:20,519 of off-brand corn flakes, yeah, 681 00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:23,359 a marijuana leaf, 682 00:27:23,360 --> 00:27:25,119 and whatever the Latin word is 683 00:27:25,120 --> 00:27:30,079 for "undiagnosed" just proudly under there. 684 00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:32,199 A few of the clan in tonight, I see. 685 00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:33,760 That's good. 686 00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:37,519 It's just crazy, 'cause, the thing is, posh people, they-- 687 00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:38,519 this is the problem, isn't it? 688 00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:40,399 They also-- they go under the radar. 689 00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:43,119 They're very hard to spot sometimes, right, 690 00:27:43,120 --> 00:27:45,159 'cause they're hiding in plain sight a lot of the time. 691 00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:47,679 I have found the best time to catch them is Christmas. 692 00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:49,919 Always. Every time. 693 00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:51,199 That's when they come out of their shells. 694 00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:52,999 That's when you get to see into their living rooms, 695 00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:54,279 into their family photographs, right. 696 00:27:54,280 --> 00:27:56,199 Posh people are obsessed with Christmas 697 00:27:56,200 --> 00:27:57,839 because they get to go back and see their parents. 698 00:27:57,840 --> 00:27:59,039 'Cause they're, again, obsessed with their parents. 699 00:27:59,040 --> 00:28:00,519 Again, I don't understand that. 700 00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:01,759 You're not supposed to fucking keep hanging out with them. 701 00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:03,159 That's not the point. 702 00:28:03,160 --> 00:28:05,440 But they're all like, I I love my mommy and daddy. 703 00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:08,640 It's crazy, right? 704 00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:11,119 And I know you're not supposed to judge anyone 705 00:28:11,120 --> 00:28:12,639 from what they come from. 706 00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:14,079 You're supposed to judge them on who they are. 707 00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:16,199 But I will say, a lot of the times I look at these family 708 00:28:16,200 --> 00:28:18,839 Christmas photos, a lot of my own friends, 709 00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:20,479 and I love you guys, but I will say, 710 00:28:20,480 --> 00:28:21,959 a lot of the times your girlfriends... 711 00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:25,039 ♪ Look like your sister ♪ 712 00:28:25,040 --> 00:28:28,839 ♪ She looks so much like your sister ♪ 713 00:28:28,840 --> 00:28:30,159 That's Shania Twain. 714 00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:32,479 I don't know if you caught that. 715 00:28:32,480 --> 00:28:34,279 No, no, it's fine. That's the original song. 716 00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:35,760 She did a cover of mine. 717 00:28:38,160 --> 00:28:40,519 That's quite unnecessarily actually harsh on posh people. 718 00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:42,999 I do think that British people, in general, 719 00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:47,399 are obsessed with Christmas in a way I find embarrassing, 720 00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:48,759 I think. 721 00:28:48,760 --> 00:28:49,799 Do you know what I mean? 722 00:28:49,800 --> 00:28:52,639 If I meet another man in his mid-30s 723 00:28:52,640 --> 00:28:53,999 who is like, 724 00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:56,440 I love "Elf," you know? 725 00:28:57,720 --> 00:29:01,759 That's my favorite--I love watching "Elf" with my mummy. 726 00:29:01,760 --> 00:29:04,879 If I meet another man like that, I will buy a gun. 727 00:29:04,880 --> 00:29:06,399 I'll buy a gun. 728 00:29:06,400 --> 00:29:07,719 I won't use it. 729 00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:10,839 I just want to have it, you know? 730 00:29:10,840 --> 00:29:12,639 Uh, so yeah, so I did date in my 20s. 731 00:29:12,640 --> 00:29:13,799 And you know what? 732 00:29:13,800 --> 00:29:16,439 I'd say, on the whole, dating in one's 20s 733 00:29:16,440 --> 00:29:19,759 is so much easier than dating in your 30s, right? 734 00:29:19,760 --> 00:29:22,359 Because for me, again, I'll say this about myself, 735 00:29:22,360 --> 00:29:24,999 in my early 20s, right, dating was a lot easier 736 00:29:25,000 --> 00:29:30,479 because I had not one principle 737 00:29:30,480 --> 00:29:33,359 or value to speak of at that age. 738 00:29:33,360 --> 00:29:35,439 And I've found it's a real asset when it comes to dating 739 00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:36,879 in a city like London. 740 00:29:36,880 --> 00:29:38,639 Any level of self esteem, real cock block. 741 00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:40,479 Would not recommend. 742 00:29:40,480 --> 00:29:42,119 'Cause the thing is, I was, like, so-- 743 00:29:42,120 --> 00:29:44,799 I-I was so willing to change myself to be whatever 744 00:29:44,800 --> 00:29:46,399 this person wanted me to be. 745 00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:47,799 The person I wanted to be with, I would just change myself, 746 00:29:47,800 --> 00:29:49,119 do whatever they wanted me to be. 747 00:29:49,120 --> 00:29:50,279 Like, I would just ask them. 748 00:29:50,280 --> 00:29:51,399 I'd just straight up asked them sometimes. 749 00:29:51,400 --> 00:29:52,399 What do you want? What do you want from me? 750 00:29:52,400 --> 00:29:53,479 And I would do it. I would do it. 751 00:29:53,480 --> 00:29:54,559 I'm very malleable. I'm like Play-Doh! 752 00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:56,119 Just mold me into what you want from me. 753 00:29:56,120 --> 00:29:57,239 I know I'm very tall. I can be so small. 754 00:29:57,240 --> 00:29:59,319 I can be so tiny. I could squeeze myself. 755 00:29:59,320 --> 00:30:00,879 I'd be a tiny woman, like a Thumbelina 756 00:30:00,880 --> 00:30:03,039 or a little Anne Geddes baby, sort of in a calendar, 757 00:30:03,040 --> 00:30:05,039 in a tulip, barely able to support 758 00:30:05,040 --> 00:30:06,959 the weight of her own neck or can't open her eyes. 759 00:30:06,960 --> 00:30:07,959 A tiny, tiny woman! 760 00:30:07,960 --> 00:30:09,119 Or I could be something different! 761 00:30:09,120 --> 00:30:10,559 I could do something like I could be sassy. 762 00:30:10,560 --> 00:30:11,799 I could be, like, a sassy woman for you if you want that! 763 00:30:11,800 --> 00:30:13,599 I could say stuff like, well, you think that? 764 00:30:13,600 --> 00:30:17,119 Well, how about this? 765 00:30:17,120 --> 00:30:18,999 I will do anything! 766 00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:19,999 Anything! Just tell me what 767 00:30:20,000 --> 00:30:21,519 you want me to do, and I'll do it. 768 00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:25,879 And apparently you should say none of that on a first date, 769 00:30:25,880 --> 00:30:27,799 especially at a bowling alley 770 00:30:27,800 --> 00:30:29,679 from across the lanes. 771 00:30:29,680 --> 00:30:31,079 And I respect that. 772 00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:33,159 And I respect the staff at Rowans for enforcing that. 773 00:30:33,160 --> 00:30:35,479 So... 774 00:30:35,480 --> 00:30:36,959 Uh... 775 00:30:36,960 --> 00:30:38,559 It was just--it was just so much easier, right? 776 00:30:38,560 --> 00:30:40,119 It was so much easier to date in your 20s, right? 777 00:30:40,120 --> 00:30:41,519 Everything gets a little harder. 778 00:30:41,520 --> 00:30:45,279 I think, like, I think it's because, as you get older, 779 00:30:45,280 --> 00:30:49,399 right, the way in which you kind of conceive love 780 00:30:49,400 --> 00:30:50,759 or think of love changes. 781 00:30:50,760 --> 00:30:53,079 The ways you want to express love very subtly change 782 00:30:53,080 --> 00:30:54,079 once you hit 30. 783 00:30:54,080 --> 00:30:55,119 It starts to be stuff like, 784 00:30:55,120 --> 00:30:56,119 I want to fucking make you a chutney! 785 00:30:56,120 --> 00:30:57,119 You know what I mean? 786 00:30:57,120 --> 00:30:58,559 Like, that's how you want to show it! 787 00:30:58,560 --> 00:31:01,199 Right, or the things you're looking for change as well. 788 00:31:01,200 --> 00:31:04,399 Now, I'm looking for someone who gives me the feeling 789 00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:06,519 that I get when I see my fucking suitcase 790 00:31:06,520 --> 00:31:09,079 come around the baggage claim at an airport, 791 00:31:09,080 --> 00:31:12,319 where I'm like, that's my fucking suitcase! 792 00:31:12,320 --> 00:31:13,919 And everyone's like, it looks like every other suitcase. 793 00:31:13,920 --> 00:31:16,799 And you're like, no, but that's my suitcase! 794 00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:18,920 I put my stuff in it! 795 00:31:22,000 --> 00:31:24,119 That's what I want to feel, right? 796 00:31:24,120 --> 00:31:28,559 And it just gets so much harder to find those people 797 00:31:28,560 --> 00:31:30,279 in the ways that we meet people these days. 798 00:31:30,280 --> 00:31:33,519 Like, I was on apps for a very brief spell in my early 30s. 799 00:31:33,520 --> 00:31:35,159 That was not fun at all. 800 00:31:35,160 --> 00:31:37,959 To be honest, it was mainly me just explaining to 21-year-old 801 00:31:37,960 --> 00:31:40,639 men in the conversations what a Concorde plane was, 802 00:31:40,640 --> 00:31:43,519 which was, to be fair, quite a lot of fun, 803 00:31:43,520 --> 00:31:45,239 and you should try it yourselves. 804 00:31:45,240 --> 00:31:48,639 You get to be like a very, very long time ago, 805 00:31:48,640 --> 00:31:50,639 in the year 2000, 806 00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:53,239 there was a plane that went very, very fast. 807 00:31:53,240 --> 00:31:56,159 It was too noisy. 808 00:31:56,160 --> 00:31:58,120 They're like, oh, my God, tell me more. 809 00:32:00,160 --> 00:32:01,279 And it just gets harder. 810 00:32:01,280 --> 00:32:02,679 Everything is-- and I know--look, 811 00:32:02,680 --> 00:32:04,759 I know I can hear myself say that out loud. 812 00:32:04,760 --> 00:32:06,159 And I'm like, oh, I'm so old. 813 00:32:06,160 --> 00:32:07,599 I know I'm not old yet. 814 00:32:07,600 --> 00:32:09,839 I'm 32. I'm not old yet, right. 815 00:32:09,840 --> 00:32:11,519 I know I'm aging, though. 816 00:32:11,520 --> 00:32:13,559 I know I'm aging in many very subtle ways. 817 00:32:13,560 --> 00:32:17,679 I've started saying "safe travels" a lot. 818 00:32:17,680 --> 00:32:18,919 Do you know what I mean? 819 00:32:18,920 --> 00:32:19,879 I don't know what happened. 820 00:32:19,880 --> 00:32:22,359 It just started--safe travels. 821 00:32:22,360 --> 00:32:24,759 Good flight. Safe travels. Yeah? 822 00:32:24,760 --> 00:32:27,679 If you've ever seen a teenager 823 00:32:27,680 --> 00:32:30,359 say "safe travels," 824 00:32:30,360 --> 00:32:33,559 that is an undercover cop, and... 825 00:32:33,560 --> 00:32:35,439 you're going to jail 826 00:32:35,440 --> 00:32:37,479 for some reason. 827 00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:39,679 But everything is harder. I think, uh-- 828 00:32:39,680 --> 00:32:43,639 getting dumped in your 30s is so much harder 829 00:32:43,640 --> 00:32:45,119 than getting dumped in your 20s, right. 830 00:32:45,120 --> 00:32:47,879 Because, as I said before, when you're in your 20s, 831 00:32:47,880 --> 00:32:49,439 you're still building your personality. 832 00:32:49,440 --> 00:32:50,919 You're still figuring out who you are. 833 00:32:50,920 --> 00:32:52,559 So you don't have to take it as personally, 834 00:32:52,560 --> 00:32:53,839 that rejection, right. 835 00:32:53,840 --> 00:32:55,599 Just be like, it's fine. It's all good. 836 00:32:55,600 --> 00:32:57,319 Yeah, I'm gonna be a different person 837 00:32:57,320 --> 00:32:58,679 in like a year or two years. 838 00:32:58,680 --> 00:32:59,679 All good, yeah? 839 00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:00,679 You do you. 840 00:33:00,680 --> 00:33:02,879 What if our life is long. 841 00:33:02,880 --> 00:33:05,639 We'll be friends still. Of course. 842 00:33:05,640 --> 00:33:08,919 When you're dumped in your 30s, 843 00:33:08,920 --> 00:33:10,799 you are being dumped 844 00:33:10,800 --> 00:33:14,199 for who you truly are. 845 00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:16,039 And I'm so sorry 846 00:33:16,040 --> 00:33:18,559 if that is the first time some of you are hearing this 847 00:33:18,560 --> 00:33:19,759 in the room. 848 00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:21,399 But that is a scientific fact. 849 00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:22,759 Do we know this? Yeah. 850 00:33:22,760 --> 00:33:26,239 Our personalities fucking lock in at 30! 851 00:33:26,240 --> 00:33:28,199 Yeah? This is me forever now. 852 00:33:28,200 --> 00:33:31,079 I'm fucking gutted. I am gutted! 853 00:33:31,080 --> 00:33:32,839 I am gutted! Do you know what if feels like? 854 00:33:32,840 --> 00:33:34,519 It feels like--you know when you're playing "Mario Kart," 855 00:33:34,520 --> 00:33:36,799 and you're trying to figure out which character to play with, 856 00:33:36,800 --> 00:33:38,359 and you're dilly-dallying for way too long, 857 00:33:38,360 --> 00:33:40,879 and the fucking timer runs out, and you end up on the last box 858 00:33:40,880 --> 00:33:42,199 that you just happened to be on. 859 00:33:42,200 --> 00:33:43,479 So you have to be like, I'm fucking Waluigi 860 00:33:43,480 --> 00:33:45,759 for the rest of my life. Is that it? 861 00:33:45,760 --> 00:33:47,319 Great! 862 00:33:47,320 --> 00:33:48,600 Ideal. 863 00:33:51,320 --> 00:33:52,439 Now, I think I should have changed 864 00:33:52,440 --> 00:33:54,679 the character in that joke. 865 00:33:54,680 --> 00:33:56,919 Because I've noticed it doesn't get as much of a reaction, 866 00:33:56,920 --> 00:33:59,159 because I feel, as a society, 867 00:33:59,160 --> 00:34:02,119 the temperature is changing on Waluigi. 868 00:34:02,120 --> 00:34:05,479 I'll say that. Yeah! 869 00:34:05,480 --> 00:34:07,639 He's just a bit misunderstood 870 00:34:07,640 --> 00:34:10,519 in the shadow of his brother, right? 871 00:34:10,520 --> 00:34:12,239 I think he's kind of hot. 872 00:34:12,240 --> 00:34:14,199 I don't know. 873 00:34:14,200 --> 00:34:16,879 Tall. he's got that mustache. It's crazy. 874 00:34:16,880 --> 00:34:20,720 Waluigi looks like every man in East London. 875 00:34:22,080 --> 00:34:24,479 Right? 876 00:34:24,480 --> 00:34:25,879 You'll fucking see him on a Lime Bike later on. 877 00:34:25,880 --> 00:34:27,159 That's fucking Waluigi on a Lime Bike. 878 00:34:27,160 --> 00:34:28,800 That's crazy. 879 00:34:31,240 --> 00:34:34,199 So it's very hard to come to terms with the fact that 880 00:34:34,200 --> 00:34:36,079 this is you for the rest of your life, right, 881 00:34:36,080 --> 00:34:37,519 when you hit 30. 882 00:34:37,520 --> 00:34:39,159 And, look, I don't want to sound self-deprecating in a way. 883 00:34:39,160 --> 00:34:40,759 Like, oh, this is me forever now. 884 00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:43,359 I really wish--I really wish that self-deprecation 885 00:34:43,360 --> 00:34:47,399 hadn't become so much a big part of my USP 886 00:34:47,400 --> 00:34:49,239 or my brand, right, as a person. 887 00:34:49,240 --> 00:34:50,439 But it has. 888 00:34:50,440 --> 00:34:51,679 And really, I honestly thought self-deprecation 889 00:34:51,680 --> 00:34:54,119 was something I would eventually mature out of. 890 00:34:54,120 --> 00:34:55,839 I'd grow out of it. But that is not the case. 891 00:34:55,840 --> 00:34:57,279 I have found this, that is not the case. 892 00:34:57,280 --> 00:35:00,079 What actually happens, right, with self-deprecation 893 00:35:00,080 --> 00:35:01,639 is that the older you get, 894 00:35:01,640 --> 00:35:05,039 the more accurate the self-deprecation becomes. 895 00:35:05,040 --> 00:35:06,999 Right, because you know yourself better. 896 00:35:07,000 --> 00:35:08,359 Your friends know you better. 897 00:35:08,360 --> 00:35:09,839 So in my teen years, I could be like-- 898 00:35:09,840 --> 00:35:11,559 I could get away with being like, oh, I'm such- 899 00:35:11,560 --> 00:35:12,799 I'm never gonna find a boyfriend. 900 00:35:12,800 --> 00:35:13,799 I'm such a spinster. 901 00:35:13,800 --> 00:35:14,999 We loved calling ourself spinsters 902 00:35:15,000 --> 00:35:16,199 when we were teenagers. I'm such a spinster. 903 00:35:16,200 --> 00:35:17,599 I'm never gonna find someone. 904 00:35:17,600 --> 00:35:18,679 And your friends are like, what are you talking about? 905 00:35:18,680 --> 00:35:19,879 They've got your back. 906 00:35:19,880 --> 00:35:20,839 They're like, what are you talking about, girl? 907 00:35:20,840 --> 00:35:21,919 You're crazy. 908 00:35:21,920 --> 00:35:23,399 You can't do yourself down like that. 909 00:35:23,400 --> 00:35:24,759 Of course, you'll find love someday. 910 00:35:24,760 --> 00:35:25,759 Shut the fuck up. 911 00:35:25,760 --> 00:35:27,639 Stop talking about yourself. 912 00:35:27,640 --> 00:35:30,439 Now, at 32, 913 00:35:30,440 --> 00:35:31,919 if I say something like, 914 00:35:31,920 --> 00:35:34,159 I don't know if I'll ever get married. 915 00:35:34,160 --> 00:35:36,159 My friends are like, well, marriage isn't for everyone. 916 00:35:36,160 --> 00:35:37,440 And I'm like-- 917 00:35:45,440 --> 00:35:47,359 I see. No. 918 00:35:47,360 --> 00:35:48,960 I see. 919 00:35:50,280 --> 00:35:51,919 The game is on. 920 00:35:51,920 --> 00:35:54,679 The game is afoot. 921 00:35:54,680 --> 00:35:57,199 I know I said just before that I know 922 00:35:57,200 --> 00:35:59,479 that I'm aging in many very subtle ways. 923 00:35:59,480 --> 00:36:03,199 And another way in which I know I'm aging 924 00:36:03,200 --> 00:36:06,879 is that I have done that joke quite a few times now, 925 00:36:06,880 --> 00:36:08,759 to the point where I have had to start 926 00:36:08,760 --> 00:36:12,079 wearing fucking knee pads. 927 00:36:12,080 --> 00:36:13,559 So yeah, thanks! 928 00:36:13,560 --> 00:36:17,639 Yeah. Yeah, no. 929 00:36:17,640 --> 00:36:19,239 I'm unsure as to what you're clapping there. 930 00:36:19,240 --> 00:36:23,359 Like, the concept of safety, I guess? 931 00:36:23,360 --> 00:36:24,720 That's crazy. 932 00:36:26,160 --> 00:36:29,559 That is the problem with having close friends. 933 00:36:29,560 --> 00:36:34,039 No, yeah, that sounded worse than I intended it to. 934 00:36:34,040 --> 00:36:36,399 What happens is when you have close friends 935 00:36:36,400 --> 00:36:38,279 and you go through a breakup, it is quite tough. 936 00:36:38,280 --> 00:36:42,359 Because--and now, be honest with yourself right now. 937 00:36:42,360 --> 00:36:44,879 When a close friend goes through a breakup, 938 00:36:44,880 --> 00:36:46,719 obviously you're very sad for them. 939 00:36:46,720 --> 00:36:50,399 But it's also fucking compelling, isn't it? 940 00:36:50,400 --> 00:36:51,399 Do you know what I mean? 941 00:36:51,400 --> 00:36:53,519 It's hard to look away. 942 00:36:53,520 --> 00:36:55,799 Be honest. 943 00:36:55,800 --> 00:36:57,439 It's like, you know when a firework accidentally 944 00:36:57,440 --> 00:36:59,399 falls on its side on Guy Fawkes 945 00:36:59,400 --> 00:37:01,839 and it starts shooting into the crowd and stuff. 946 00:37:01,840 --> 00:37:03,519 And everyone's a little bit scared, 947 00:37:03,520 --> 00:37:04,599 but they also want to stick around 948 00:37:04,600 --> 00:37:06,239 to see what happens, right? 949 00:37:06,240 --> 00:37:07,639 That's what it's like when a close friend 950 00:37:07,640 --> 00:37:08,719 goes through a fucking heartbreak. 951 00:37:08,720 --> 00:37:09,879 And it's tough. 952 00:37:09,880 --> 00:37:11,479 It's so tough, because the problem is that 953 00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:13,919 your close friends, they know who you are. 954 00:37:13,920 --> 00:37:15,559 They know who you are deep down inside. 955 00:37:15,560 --> 00:37:17,039 They know the fucking real you, right? 956 00:37:17,040 --> 00:37:19,519 They've known you for years and years and years. 957 00:37:19,520 --> 00:37:21,519 By the same token, your close friends 958 00:37:21,520 --> 00:37:26,199 know exactly how you compromised your personality 959 00:37:26,200 --> 00:37:28,919 in order to be with this particular person. 960 00:37:28,920 --> 00:37:30,279 But this relationship has now ended, right. 961 00:37:30,280 --> 00:37:31,599 And so, the shame with which 962 00:37:31,600 --> 00:37:34,279 one must return to those friendships 963 00:37:34,280 --> 00:37:36,919 is fucking humbling. 964 00:37:36,920 --> 00:37:38,839 The only equivalent I've come up with is that 965 00:37:38,840 --> 00:37:42,279 it's as if you shat yourself 966 00:37:42,280 --> 00:37:45,719 at a work Christmas party on a Friday night. 967 00:37:45,720 --> 00:37:47,479 Yeah? You with me? 968 00:37:47,480 --> 00:37:50,559 It's the feeling of having to come back to work 969 00:37:50,560 --> 00:37:52,439 on the Monday, 970 00:37:52,440 --> 00:37:55,319 just having to be like, 971 00:37:55,320 --> 00:37:57,400 that was crazy! 972 00:37:59,040 --> 00:38:01,919 Who was she? 973 00:38:01,920 --> 00:38:05,280 No, she seems deeply unwell and deserves our love. 974 00:38:06,320 --> 00:38:07,599 That's how I felt. That's how I felt. 975 00:38:07,600 --> 00:38:09,479 I felt too embarrassed to turn to my closest friends 976 00:38:09,480 --> 00:38:10,959 at such a tough time. 977 00:38:10,960 --> 00:38:12,239 It was crazy. 978 00:38:12,240 --> 00:38:14,839 So I just, honestly, I started, in this breakup-- 979 00:38:14,840 --> 00:38:17,879 I started turning to very, very random people. 980 00:38:17,880 --> 00:38:19,359 Anyone who was close to me, right? 981 00:38:19,360 --> 00:38:22,399 My 80-year-old grandmother was living with me at the time. 982 00:38:22,400 --> 00:38:24,519 Quite a weird, sassy best friend character 983 00:38:24,520 --> 00:38:27,679 to have in one's life going through a modern breakup. 984 00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:28,839 And she did her best. She did fine. 985 00:38:28,840 --> 00:38:30,239 She was fantastic. She was very helpful. 986 00:38:30,240 --> 00:38:32,439 I will say, it's very hard to explain 987 00:38:32,440 --> 00:38:34,519 to a woman who was born during World War II 988 00:38:34,520 --> 00:38:37,639 what attachment theory is. 989 00:38:37,640 --> 00:38:38,799 They don't really get it. 990 00:38:38,800 --> 00:38:40,159 She'd be like, yeah, I think you're anxious 991 00:38:40,160 --> 00:38:42,959 attachment is because of rationing, I guess, right? 992 00:38:42,960 --> 00:38:44,839 So that was unhelpful. 993 00:38:44,840 --> 00:38:46,199 I just turned to random strangers sometimes-- 994 00:38:46,200 --> 00:38:47,439 complete strangers. 995 00:38:47,440 --> 00:38:49,879 A man had started cleaning my flat at the time. 996 00:38:49,880 --> 00:38:51,319 Uh, I paid him to do it. 997 00:38:51,320 --> 00:38:52,719 That's an important detail for that. 998 00:38:52,720 --> 00:38:53,959 I did pay him to do it. 999 00:38:53,960 --> 00:38:55,559 His name was Lindsay. 1000 00:38:55,560 --> 00:38:57,679 And Lindsay, oh my God, he was fucking incredible. 1001 00:38:57,680 --> 00:38:58,999 He was an incredible guy. 1002 00:38:59,000 --> 00:39:01,159 Incredible guy, terrible cleaner. 1003 00:39:01,160 --> 00:39:03,119 Could not recommend him with a good conscience. 1004 00:39:03,120 --> 00:39:04,519 Yeah? 1005 00:39:04,520 --> 00:39:06,199 He had a real jazz vibe when it came to cleaning, 1006 00:39:06,200 --> 00:39:08,079 where he just sort of went where the spirit took him 1007 00:39:08,080 --> 00:39:12,039 and sort of ignored large appliances. 1008 00:39:12,040 --> 00:39:14,439 He would light incense and leave it burning in my home 1009 00:39:14,440 --> 00:39:15,799 a number of times while I was out. 1010 00:39:15,800 --> 00:39:18,319 And the weirdest one, I think, for me, 1011 00:39:18,320 --> 00:39:20,679 is that he would change his WhatsApp profile photo 1012 00:39:20,680 --> 00:39:22,120 every week. 1013 00:39:23,960 --> 00:39:25,919 Something not right about that, right? 1014 00:39:25,920 --> 00:39:29,799 But he was fucking incredible, right? 1015 00:39:29,800 --> 00:39:32,599 He was--Lindsay was like, OK, I just opened my-- 1016 00:39:32,600 --> 00:39:35,079 I just completely told him every single thing 1017 00:39:35,080 --> 00:39:37,879 about this breakup immediately, the first time I ever met him. 1018 00:39:37,880 --> 00:39:39,439 And the first question he asked me, he said, 1019 00:39:39,440 --> 00:39:41,480 bird or geezer? 1020 00:39:42,920 --> 00:39:45,000 Bird or geezer? 1021 00:39:46,160 --> 00:39:48,279 And I was like, Lindsay, you are on the right side 1022 00:39:48,280 --> 00:39:50,080 of history, my friend. 1023 00:39:52,560 --> 00:39:54,759 And then the shame that went through my body, 1024 00:39:54,760 --> 00:39:56,319 having to stand, as an adult woman, 1025 00:39:56,320 --> 00:39:58,119 quite seriously and emotionally, 1026 00:39:58,120 --> 00:39:59,999 having to say to him, in my own flat, 1027 00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:02,000 geezer. 1028 00:40:03,960 --> 00:40:05,680 It was a geezer. 1029 00:40:07,400 --> 00:40:08,479 Not that I'm embarrassed! 1030 00:40:08,480 --> 00:40:09,599 Not that I'm embarrassed 1031 00:40:09,600 --> 00:40:10,599 that it was a man that broke my heart! 1032 00:40:10,600 --> 00:40:11,799 I'm not. I've decided I'm not-- 1033 00:40:11,800 --> 00:40:13,799 I'm not embarrassed to be straight anymore. 1034 00:40:13,800 --> 00:40:15,519 I've come to terms with it. 1035 00:40:15,520 --> 00:40:17,159 I've come to-- it is what it is, yeah? 1036 00:40:17,160 --> 00:40:18,999 All right? I've come to-- 1037 00:40:19,000 --> 00:40:23,079 And if anything, it feels like a little bit of a throwback 1038 00:40:23,080 --> 00:40:24,279 as a dating preference. 1039 00:40:24,280 --> 00:40:25,439 It's a little retro. 1040 00:40:25,440 --> 00:40:27,759 We've kind of moved past it as a society. 1041 00:40:27,760 --> 00:40:30,519 And yet, I'm in there just clinging on for dear life. 1042 00:40:30,520 --> 00:40:31,719 I feel like-- 1043 00:40:31,720 --> 00:40:33,039 Still dating men, I feel like I go through 1044 00:40:33,040 --> 00:40:34,439 a lot of the same emotions 1045 00:40:34,440 --> 00:40:37,959 as I imagine people who collect vinyl records must feel, 1046 00:40:37,960 --> 00:40:39,759 in the sense that both groups are really 1047 00:40:39,760 --> 00:40:41,639 truly flying the flag for what is, 1048 00:40:41,640 --> 00:40:43,759 let's be honest, a dying medium. 1049 00:40:43,760 --> 00:40:45,079 Yeah? 1050 00:40:45,080 --> 00:40:46,719 Both of us, just find ourselves saying stuff like, 1051 00:40:46,720 --> 00:40:48,799 well, actually, the fact that it's largely inaccessible 1052 00:40:48,800 --> 00:40:50,719 and of a low quality overall is what we find charming 1053 00:40:50,720 --> 00:40:52,760 about the format. 1054 00:40:54,800 --> 00:40:57,199 So I was in my flat, and I was like, geezer. 1055 00:40:57,200 --> 00:40:58,679 And, um... 1056 00:40:58,680 --> 00:41:00,239 Lindsay was like, how long? 1057 00:41:00,240 --> 00:41:01,759 How long was the relationship? 1058 00:41:01,760 --> 00:41:03,359 And I was like, eight months, man. 1059 00:41:03,360 --> 00:41:04,359 Eight months. 1060 00:41:04,360 --> 00:41:06,559 And Lindsay was like... 1061 00:41:06,560 --> 00:41:08,959 What are you crying about, girl? 1062 00:41:08,960 --> 00:41:10,759 What are you fucking crying about? 1063 00:41:10,760 --> 00:41:14,159 Lindsay bollocked me in my own home, yes? 1064 00:41:14,160 --> 00:41:16,519 This man told me what the fuck was what. 1065 00:41:16,520 --> 00:41:18,479 I met him that day, and he took me through 1066 00:41:18,480 --> 00:41:20,079 every past relationship he's been with, 1067 00:41:20,080 --> 00:41:21,559 all that he's loved and lost. 1068 00:41:21,560 --> 00:41:22,719 And he said something to me 1069 00:41:22,720 --> 00:41:24,879 that I will never forget, right? 1070 00:41:24,880 --> 00:41:27,639 Before he left, he turned to me in the doorway, 1071 00:41:27,640 --> 00:41:28,879 and he said this to me. 1072 00:41:28,880 --> 00:41:31,959 He said, what you got to understand is, yeah, 1073 00:41:31,960 --> 00:41:36,879 we were put on this Earth to suffer. 1074 00:41:36,880 --> 00:41:39,079 So all you can do 1075 00:41:39,080 --> 00:41:42,080 is you got to grab your giggles where you can. 1076 00:41:49,720 --> 00:41:52,879 I don't know if I had just been touched by an angel 1077 00:41:52,880 --> 00:41:55,719 or Lindsay had once killed a man for fun. 1078 00:41:55,720 --> 00:41:57,679 right? 1079 00:41:57,680 --> 00:41:59,079 I choose to believe the former. 1080 00:41:59,080 --> 00:42:00,639 It's much more charming. 1081 00:42:00,640 --> 00:42:03,199 So I was running out of options, right. 1082 00:42:03,200 --> 00:42:05,159 I couldn't turn to my closest friends. 1083 00:42:05,160 --> 00:42:06,479 I was too, too embarrassed. 1084 00:42:06,480 --> 00:42:07,759 My Nan went back to New Zealand. 1085 00:42:07,760 --> 00:42:09,839 Lindsay only came once a week, right. 1086 00:42:09,840 --> 00:42:11,879 So I-- 1087 00:42:11,880 --> 00:42:14,639 I did what any person of my sort of general vibe 1088 00:42:14,640 --> 00:42:15,679 and background would do is that 1089 00:42:15,680 --> 00:42:17,079 I turned to the internet. 1090 00:42:17,080 --> 00:42:19,679 Incognito mode, of course, right, for answers. 1091 00:42:19,680 --> 00:42:23,159 And that's my problem is that I don't see heartbreak as-- 1092 00:42:23,160 --> 00:42:25,839 I see heartbreak as a problem to solve, 1093 00:42:25,840 --> 00:42:28,279 rather than just fucking an experience to go through. 1094 00:42:28,280 --> 00:42:30,959 So I will tell you, when you search a term like 1095 00:42:30,960 --> 00:42:34,439 "can you be broken up with for being too cool," 1096 00:42:34,440 --> 00:42:37,399 what you will get is you will open up an entire corner 1097 00:42:37,400 --> 00:42:39,519 of the internet, and that is the world 1098 00:42:39,520 --> 00:42:43,519 of online relationship coaching. 1099 00:42:43,520 --> 00:42:45,319 Now, I don't know if anyone's familiar with this. 1100 00:42:45,320 --> 00:42:46,879 If you're not, I will explain briefly. 1101 00:42:46,880 --> 00:42:49,239 It is--it's a largely American industry. 1102 00:42:49,240 --> 00:42:51,119 It's kind of adjacent to life coaching a bit. 1103 00:42:51,120 --> 00:42:53,999 And it's mainly sort of run by these kind of weird men. 1104 00:42:54,000 --> 00:42:56,239 They're always called, like, Declan or Gavin or something, 1105 00:42:56,240 --> 00:42:58,799 and they've got suits, and they're looking like that. 1106 00:42:58,800 --> 00:43:01,359 And their URLs are quite intense, quite hectic. 1107 00:43:01,360 --> 00:43:04,999 They'll be like, stuff like HowToGetYourExBack.com. 1108 00:43:05,000 --> 00:43:06,879 Like, YourExWasABitch ButMaybeTheLove 1109 00:43:06,880 --> 00:43:11,080 OfYourLife.org.edu. 1110 00:43:13,080 --> 00:43:15,799 And these men were just sinister, 1111 00:43:15,800 --> 00:43:17,399 because this whole industry was kind of sinister. 1112 00:43:17,400 --> 00:43:19,199 'Cause what they're doing is they're preying upon people 1113 00:43:19,200 --> 00:43:20,999 at their most heartbroken, right, 1114 00:43:21,000 --> 00:43:23,239 their lowest ebb of their lives, 1115 00:43:23,240 --> 00:43:25,119 and they're trying to get money out of you, essentially, right. 1116 00:43:25,120 --> 00:43:27,959 They lured you in with these sort of free online articles, 1117 00:43:27,960 --> 00:43:30,559 and checklists, and all that that build up to-- 1118 00:43:30,560 --> 00:43:32,519 like, weekly podcasts that you listen to every week. 1119 00:43:32,520 --> 00:43:34,479 Then, eventually, maybe a workbook or two. 1120 00:43:34,480 --> 00:43:36,359 20 US dollars a workbook. Why not? 1121 00:43:36,360 --> 00:43:38,719 Eventually, what they're really trying to get you to 1122 00:43:38,720 --> 00:43:41,119 is ultimately they're trying to get you to 1123 00:43:41,120 --> 00:43:44,559 one-on-one Zoom coaching sessions with them, right, 1124 00:43:44,560 --> 00:43:47,839 that can cost like fucking $500, 600 US dollars a pop. 1125 00:43:47,840 --> 00:43:49,159 Right, it's horrible. 1126 00:43:49,160 --> 00:43:52,639 Also, these men, their advice is fucking shit. 1127 00:43:52,640 --> 00:43:53,759 Yeah? 1128 00:43:53,760 --> 00:43:55,359 Do not take any of the advice. 1129 00:43:55,360 --> 00:43:57,879 One of the tips on one of these articles genuinely was 1130 00:43:57,880 --> 00:44:02,479 dress every day as if you're going to bump into your ex. 1131 00:44:02,480 --> 00:44:05,239 Dress every day. 1132 00:44:05,240 --> 00:44:07,719 I'm gonna let that sit with you for a moment, right. 1133 00:44:07,720 --> 00:44:08,839 Do you know what that me-- 1134 00:44:08,840 --> 00:44:09,999 like, this is how I dress every day. 1135 00:44:10,000 --> 00:44:12,279 This. I don't want to bump into an ex-lover 1136 00:44:12,280 --> 00:44:14,039 dressed like this, yeah? 1137 00:44:14,040 --> 00:44:16,599 32 years of effort went into this look. 1138 00:44:16,600 --> 00:44:17,959 Can you believe? 1139 00:44:17,960 --> 00:44:20,159 Which, sartorially, I can only accurately describe as 1140 00:44:20,160 --> 00:44:23,039 I somehow managed to, every day, 1141 00:44:23,040 --> 00:44:25,039 dress like, simultaneously, 1142 00:44:25,040 --> 00:44:29,879 a missing child from the 1980s, 1143 00:44:29,880 --> 00:44:31,999 as well as the mother 1144 00:44:32,000 --> 00:44:35,120 searching for that missing child! 1145 00:44:39,040 --> 00:44:40,319 And I hear a few claps. 1146 00:44:40,320 --> 00:44:42,319 That does hurt my feelings a little bit, right? 1147 00:44:42,320 --> 00:44:45,599 Because that's the applause of recognition. 1148 00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:47,559 So I knew I couldn't take the advice from these men. 1149 00:44:47,560 --> 00:44:48,919 They're fucking awful. I didn't respect them. 1150 00:44:48,920 --> 00:44:51,879 So I moved on to a female relationship coach. 1151 00:44:51,880 --> 00:44:53,519 I thought that would work for me better. 1152 00:44:53,520 --> 00:44:55,199 I found her in the form of Jillian. 1153 00:44:55,200 --> 00:44:56,439 Jillian. 1154 00:44:56,440 --> 00:44:58,919 Uh, didn't love her vibe either, 1155 00:44:58,920 --> 00:45:00,879 because her tips were just as bad. 1156 00:45:00,880 --> 00:45:03,879 One of them was genuinely, drink more water. 1157 00:45:03,880 --> 00:45:05,639 Drink more water. 1158 00:45:05,640 --> 00:45:07,279 Get a bit dehydrated when you go through a breakup. 1159 00:45:07,280 --> 00:45:08,999 Drink more water. Fuck you, Jillian. 1160 00:45:09,000 --> 00:45:10,799 I'm fucking heartbroken. You fucking drink more water. 1161 00:45:10,800 --> 00:45:13,319 What the fuck are you talking about, girl? 1162 00:45:13,320 --> 00:45:14,959 Shut up. 1163 00:45:14,960 --> 00:45:16,719 One of them was, she said, oh, join a club. 1164 00:45:16,720 --> 00:45:18,599 You need to join a club. Be more social. Join a club. 1165 00:45:18,600 --> 00:45:20,639 I'm not fucking eight years old, Jillian. 1166 00:45:20,640 --> 00:45:22,919 What the hell? Join a damn club? 1167 00:45:22,920 --> 00:45:24,359 Worst one was, she said, 1168 00:45:24,360 --> 00:45:26,959 don't wear AirPods in public, 1169 00:45:26,960 --> 00:45:28,279 because you cut yourself off 1170 00:45:28,280 --> 00:45:30,439 from having conversations with strangers. 1171 00:45:30,440 --> 00:45:34,239 Over my fucking dead body, Jillian. 1172 00:45:34,240 --> 00:45:38,879 You're gonna have to rip the AirPods out of my dead, cold-- 1173 00:45:38,880 --> 00:45:41,399 I want to be fucking buried in my AirPods-- 1174 00:45:41,400 --> 00:45:42,839 just in case I get buried alive, 1175 00:45:42,840 --> 00:45:45,719 so I can rock out in the coffin. Yeah? 1176 00:45:45,720 --> 00:45:47,879 Jillian--another thing Jillian was obsessed with 1177 00:45:47,880 --> 00:45:49,759 was childhood. 1178 00:45:49,760 --> 00:45:52,039 I think this is a real big obsession in therapy 1179 00:45:52,040 --> 00:45:54,439 in general at the moment, like inner child work 1180 00:45:54,440 --> 00:45:55,519 and stuff like that. 1181 00:45:55,520 --> 00:45:56,639 I don't buy it. 1182 00:45:56,640 --> 00:45:57,919 I don't give a shit. 1183 00:45:57,920 --> 00:45:59,999 I don't care about childhood, right. 1184 00:46:00,000 --> 00:46:01,359 My inner child, she's on her own. 1185 00:46:01,360 --> 00:46:02,719 OK? 1186 00:46:02,720 --> 00:46:04,079 Do you know what I mean? 1187 00:46:04,080 --> 00:46:05,959 Because, for me, that's such an unhelpful thing 1188 00:46:05,960 --> 00:46:08,639 to try and, I guess, dwell on or unpack. 1189 00:46:08,640 --> 00:46:10,399 Because childhood is a historical event. 1190 00:46:10,400 --> 00:46:11,719 It's happened. 1191 00:46:11,720 --> 00:46:13,839 I can't change anything about my childhood, right? 1192 00:46:13,840 --> 00:46:15,079 It's fucking Stonehenge. 1193 00:46:15,080 --> 00:46:16,199 It's the 2000 Sydney Olympics. 1194 00:46:16,200 --> 00:46:18,159 It's happened. It's done. 1195 00:46:18,160 --> 00:46:20,519 And quite crucially, as well, I can't remember 1196 00:46:20,520 --> 00:46:22,519 much of my childhood, 1197 00:46:22,520 --> 00:46:25,159 which I think is the first sign that nothing bad ever happened. 1198 00:46:25,160 --> 00:46:27,999 Yeah? 1199 00:46:28,000 --> 00:46:29,159 I think if something traumatic happened, 1200 00:46:29,160 --> 00:46:31,080 I would have remembered it. 1201 00:46:33,200 --> 00:46:35,999 I did try mining my past for moments of trauma, 1202 00:46:36,000 --> 00:46:38,599 the little nuggets of trauma, to sort of explain flaws I have 1203 00:46:38,600 --> 00:46:39,679 in my adult personality. 1204 00:46:39,680 --> 00:46:40,839 I tried that. 1205 00:46:40,840 --> 00:46:43,399 My dad nearly drowned once. That was fun. 1206 00:46:43,400 --> 00:46:44,599 That was good for trauma, I guess. 1207 00:46:44,600 --> 00:46:46,719 Obviously-- but it actually kind of wasn't, 1208 00:46:46,720 --> 00:46:49,039 though, as well, in that I wasn't that sad. 1209 00:46:49,040 --> 00:46:50,719 I'll be honest. 1210 00:46:50,720 --> 00:46:53,559 And I love my dad, obviously. 1211 00:46:53,560 --> 00:46:55,680 Let me explain myself. 1212 00:46:57,760 --> 00:47:00,639 But I'll say this--what happens when someone nearly drowns 1213 00:47:00,640 --> 00:47:03,039 is that they're nearly drowned. 1214 00:47:03,040 --> 00:47:04,559 But what contextually that also means 1215 00:47:04,560 --> 00:47:06,680 is that it was probably summer. 1216 00:47:09,200 --> 00:47:10,439 Do you see what I'm saying? 1217 00:47:10,440 --> 00:47:11,879 Like, oh, your dad nearly died. 1218 00:47:11,880 --> 00:47:13,119 But I'm not gonna lie to you, 1219 00:47:13,120 --> 00:47:14,439 the vibes are fucking immaculate. 1220 00:47:14,440 --> 00:47:15,759 They were. 1221 00:47:15,760 --> 00:47:16,759 It was a good year. 1222 00:47:16,760 --> 00:47:18,559 2004, man. 1223 00:47:18,560 --> 00:47:20,039 So I don't have trauma. 1224 00:47:20,040 --> 00:47:21,959 Uh... 1225 00:47:21,960 --> 00:47:22,959 Trauma, not for me. 1226 00:47:22,960 --> 00:47:24,280 Trauma, I hardly knew her. 1227 00:47:29,960 --> 00:47:32,559 I will say this, though, for the whole thing about 1228 00:47:32,560 --> 00:47:34,839 going back into one's childhood that I do find interesting, 1229 00:47:34,840 --> 00:47:36,999 and I think a lot of people my age are probably experiencing 1230 00:47:37,000 --> 00:47:40,039 themselves, is that I realize I'm finally getting to the age 1231 00:47:40,040 --> 00:47:42,039 in which I am meeting my parents 1232 00:47:42,040 --> 00:47:43,519 at the age that they had me, right. 1233 00:47:43,520 --> 00:47:44,679 We didn't know our parents 1234 00:47:44,680 --> 00:47:46,239 before they were our age, right? 1235 00:47:46,240 --> 00:47:48,799 A-and finally meeting them, you know, 1236 00:47:48,800 --> 00:47:50,199 adult to adult, face to face. 1237 00:47:50,200 --> 00:47:52,199 And so much more of my childhood 1238 00:47:52,200 --> 00:47:54,159 is making sense to me now. 1239 00:47:54,160 --> 00:47:55,679 Do you know what I mean? 1240 00:47:55,680 --> 00:47:57,679 The fact that my dad would come home from work every night, 1241 00:47:57,680 --> 00:48:00,239 not talk to any of us, go straight to the back steps, 1242 00:48:00,240 --> 00:48:03,319 smoke cigarettes, and drink coffee till bedtime. 1243 00:48:03,320 --> 00:48:05,039 Now, I'm in my early 30s, 1244 00:48:05,040 --> 00:48:09,679 I'm like, brother, you do you, man. 1245 00:48:09,680 --> 00:48:11,759 Fucking drinking that Nescafé as dark as night 1246 00:48:11,760 --> 00:48:15,639 with 14 sugars just to feel something anymore, Dad! 1247 00:48:15,640 --> 00:48:18,040 'Cause our daddies didn't have ASMR. 1248 00:48:20,320 --> 00:48:22,279 Think about that for a second. 1249 00:48:22,280 --> 00:48:24,159 Our daddies didn't have ASMR in the '90s. 1250 00:48:24,160 --> 00:48:25,679 They didn't have a hydraulic press crushing 1251 00:48:25,680 --> 00:48:28,039 a fucking can of Pringles, yeah? 1252 00:48:28,040 --> 00:48:29,439 How did they wind down? 1253 00:48:29,440 --> 00:48:32,439 All they had was untaxed cigarettes and the void, right? 1254 00:48:32,440 --> 00:48:33,679 It was hard. 1255 00:48:33,680 --> 00:48:35,399 Also, like, my mom as well. Fuck me. 1256 00:48:35,400 --> 00:48:39,639 My mom, she had three kids by the time she was 28. 1257 00:48:39,640 --> 00:48:41,119 Three kids! That's obscene to me. 1258 00:48:41,120 --> 00:48:42,559 Child bride. Child bride. 1259 00:48:42,560 --> 00:48:44,399 What is going on? 1260 00:48:44,400 --> 00:48:46,399 Three kids at 28! 1261 00:48:46,400 --> 00:48:48,479 I find that insane, 1262 00:48:48,480 --> 00:48:52,519 to the point that if I met my own mother at this age, 1263 00:48:52,520 --> 00:48:53,919 I would have been that fucking friend 1264 00:48:53,920 --> 00:48:57,599 who was convincing her not to have me. 1265 00:48:57,600 --> 00:48:58,679 Do you know what I mean? 1266 00:48:58,680 --> 00:49:00,239 And I don't think any of us in this room 1267 00:49:00,240 --> 00:49:01,959 could call ourselves feminists 1268 00:49:01,960 --> 00:49:04,599 if you wouldn't be willing to do the same. 1269 00:49:04,600 --> 00:49:06,079 Yeah? 1270 00:49:06,080 --> 00:49:09,519 If you wouldn't be willing to go back in time 1271 00:49:09,520 --> 00:49:14,599 and convince your own mother not to have you 1272 00:49:14,600 --> 00:49:16,399 so she could chuck it about for a few more years, 1273 00:49:16,400 --> 00:49:18,839 right? 1274 00:49:18,840 --> 00:49:20,079 Everyone freaks out about that whole, like, 1275 00:49:20,080 --> 00:49:21,759 would you go back in time and kill baby Hitler? 1276 00:49:21,760 --> 00:49:24,239 Bitch, I would go back in time 1277 00:49:24,240 --> 00:49:26,319 and kill myself 1278 00:49:26,320 --> 00:49:28,599 so my mom could go to Bali. 1279 00:49:28,600 --> 00:49:33,039 And that's feminism, I think. 1280 00:49:33,040 --> 00:49:34,959 I think it is. 1281 00:49:34,960 --> 00:49:37,999 So, uh, Jillian didn't work out for me. 1282 00:49:38,000 --> 00:49:40,559 I knew I couldn't work with Jillian any longer, 1283 00:49:40,560 --> 00:49:41,879 so I moved on. 1284 00:49:41,880 --> 00:49:43,799 And I found the Holy Grail, the one. 1285 00:49:43,800 --> 00:49:45,079 And her name was Margaret. 1286 00:49:45,080 --> 00:49:46,199 I want to tell you about Margaret. 1287 00:49:46,200 --> 00:49:48,319 Margaret was an American lady. 1288 00:49:48,320 --> 00:49:50,879 She was deep into her 80s, an elderly woman. 1289 00:49:50,880 --> 00:49:51,839 She talked like this-- 1290 00:49:51,840 --> 00:49:53,639 right, sounded so crusty like that. 1291 00:49:53,640 --> 00:49:55,559 And she did these podcasts I would listen to 1292 00:49:55,560 --> 00:49:56,559 every night before bed. 1293 00:49:56,560 --> 00:49:58,039 And Margaret was fucking incredible. 1294 00:49:58,040 --> 00:49:59,959 She had a tendency to sometimes talk 1295 00:49:59,960 --> 00:50:01,999 in sort of-- kind of bumper sticker slogans 1296 00:50:02,000 --> 00:50:03,519 when it came to breakups and all that-- 1297 00:50:03,520 --> 00:50:05,199 stuff that everyone's heard during breakups. 1298 00:50:05,200 --> 00:50:07,279 Stuff like, the only way out is through. 1299 00:50:07,280 --> 00:50:09,039 The only way out is through. We've all heard that. 1300 00:50:09,040 --> 00:50:10,999 I don't--I fucking hate that saying, right? 1301 00:50:11,000 --> 00:50:12,839 And also, I don't understand it, yeah? 1302 00:50:12,840 --> 00:50:15,839 How is it 2024, hmm, 1303 00:50:15,840 --> 00:50:18,879 and we have not yet found a way around yet? 1304 00:50:18,880 --> 00:50:20,119 Yeah? 1305 00:50:20,120 --> 00:50:23,079 We have vibrating anal beads 1306 00:50:23,080 --> 00:50:25,839 powered by Bluetooth technology, huh, 1307 00:50:25,840 --> 00:50:27,199 and we have not yet found a way 1308 00:50:27,200 --> 00:50:29,239 to circumvent the devastation of a fucking breakup. 1309 00:50:29,240 --> 00:50:30,799 What are these scientists doing? 1310 00:50:30,800 --> 00:50:32,880 Have they never felt love before, right? 1311 00:50:34,320 --> 00:50:36,559 Other ones is that what you've got to do at this age, 1312 00:50:36,560 --> 00:50:39,639 particularly, is you've got to figure out what your values are 1313 00:50:39,640 --> 00:50:41,359 and whether or not they align with the person 1314 00:50:41,360 --> 00:50:42,719 you want to be with, right. 1315 00:50:42,720 --> 00:50:44,039 If they don't, move on. 1316 00:50:44,040 --> 00:50:46,679 If they do, go ahead. Yeah? 1317 00:50:46,680 --> 00:50:49,519 Biggest one was children. 1318 00:50:49,520 --> 00:50:50,559 You've got to figure out whether or not 1319 00:50:50,560 --> 00:50:51,559 you want children or not. 1320 00:50:51,560 --> 00:50:52,879 And if that doesn't match up, 1321 00:50:52,880 --> 00:50:54,439 it's gonna be too much of an obstacle going forward. 1322 00:50:54,440 --> 00:50:57,799 And I'm embarrassed to say it was, genuinely, 1323 00:50:57,800 --> 00:50:59,319 the first time in my life 1324 00:50:59,320 --> 00:51:02,359 where I asked myself not should I have children, 1325 00:51:02,360 --> 00:51:04,359 but if I wanted children. 1326 00:51:04,360 --> 00:51:07,159 And it turned out the answer was no. 1327 00:51:07,160 --> 00:51:11,239 And it turns out that is the wrong answer. 1328 00:51:11,240 --> 00:51:12,319 OK? 1329 00:51:12,320 --> 00:51:13,719 I wouldn't recommend it. Do not share-- 1330 00:51:13,720 --> 00:51:15,759 if that is your feeling, do not share that with anyone. 1331 00:51:15,760 --> 00:51:17,799 I found that the socially acceptable answer 1332 00:51:17,800 --> 00:51:19,679 to that question is "maybe one day." 1333 00:51:19,680 --> 00:51:22,119 Tee-hee. 1334 00:51:22,120 --> 00:51:24,679 A girl never tells. 1335 00:51:24,680 --> 00:51:25,879 People love that, right? 1336 00:51:25,880 --> 00:51:26,879 They don't like a flat no. 1337 00:51:26,880 --> 00:51:28,079 They do not like a flat no, right? 1338 00:51:28,080 --> 00:51:29,079 And even when-- 1339 00:51:29,080 --> 00:51:30,599 You know, I think people accept it. 1340 00:51:30,600 --> 00:51:33,639 I think sometimes people see my stance 1341 00:51:33,640 --> 00:51:36,359 of not wanting children as something, like, radical 1342 00:51:36,360 --> 00:51:38,159 or political, like a statement. 1343 00:51:38,160 --> 00:51:39,479 There is no statement behind it. 1344 00:51:39,480 --> 00:51:41,159 There is nothing radical about it. 1345 00:51:41,160 --> 00:51:43,839 I'm just fucking lazy, and I don't like bending over. 1346 00:51:43,840 --> 00:51:44,959 All right? 1347 00:51:44,960 --> 00:51:47,239 And that is enough of a motivation 1348 00:51:47,240 --> 00:51:48,599 not to have children. 1349 00:51:48,600 --> 00:51:52,399 God did not make me to get up before 9:00 AM, yeah? 1350 00:51:52,400 --> 00:51:53,599 And that's OK. 1351 00:51:53,600 --> 00:51:55,799 I think people's motivations to have children 1352 00:51:55,800 --> 00:51:57,479 are even more fucked up than that. 1353 00:51:57,480 --> 00:51:58,999 I think some people have children because 1354 00:51:59,000 --> 00:52:01,199 they don't want to die alone. They don't want to die alone. 1355 00:52:01,200 --> 00:52:03,399 I don't understand the logic of that, 1356 00:52:03,400 --> 00:52:06,559 in the sense that the day you die 1357 00:52:06,560 --> 00:52:08,319 is already gonna be 1358 00:52:08,320 --> 00:52:12,319 a bad day. 1359 00:52:12,320 --> 00:52:15,119 Do you know what I mean? 1360 00:52:15,120 --> 00:52:17,679 So you're going to invest decades of your life 1361 00:52:17,680 --> 00:52:19,279 to ensuring there are good numbers 1362 00:52:19,280 --> 00:52:21,199 on that one fucking day. 1363 00:52:21,200 --> 00:52:23,119 Fuck that. Just pop on a DVD. 1364 00:52:23,120 --> 00:52:25,319 I'll be as happy as Larry. Let me die alone. 1365 00:52:25,320 --> 00:52:27,439 Let me die alone 1366 00:52:27,440 --> 00:52:30,119 with a box set. 1367 00:52:30,120 --> 00:52:31,319 But I know that about myself, right, 1368 00:52:31,320 --> 00:52:33,199 and it was amazing to figure that out. 1369 00:52:33,200 --> 00:52:34,919 But it does not stop, 1370 00:52:34,920 --> 00:52:36,679 I guess, this assumption, right? 1371 00:52:36,680 --> 00:52:39,319 There's still an assumption that if you're born into a body 1372 00:52:39,320 --> 00:52:40,959 that is capable of having children, 1373 00:52:40,960 --> 00:52:43,639 that that is something that you will want to fulfill one day. 1374 00:52:43,640 --> 00:52:46,079 Right, I was at the children's birthday party recently, 1375 00:52:46,080 --> 00:52:47,439 and I was playing with the kids. 1376 00:52:47,440 --> 00:52:48,559 I love children. 1377 00:52:48,560 --> 00:52:49,999 I get on with them so well. 1378 00:52:50,000 --> 00:52:51,879 And this older gentleman, he noticed this, 1379 00:52:51,880 --> 00:52:53,439 and he said-- he said to me, 1380 00:52:53,440 --> 00:52:56,359 does it bring out the mother in you? 1381 00:52:56,360 --> 00:52:57,879 I was like, oh, fuck me, there's something so sinister 1382 00:52:57,880 --> 00:53:00,039 about that, isn't there? Because it's not "a" mother. 1383 00:53:00,040 --> 00:53:02,239 It's "the" mother, yeah? 1384 00:53:02,240 --> 00:53:03,559 'Cause it's this kind of idea. 1385 00:53:03,560 --> 00:53:05,079 It speaks to this idea that within every little girl 1386 00:53:05,080 --> 00:53:07,719 there's a little mother just waiting to burst out 1387 00:53:07,720 --> 00:53:09,599 of one's chest 1388 00:53:09,600 --> 00:53:13,119 and sort of eat the host body to become 1389 00:53:13,120 --> 00:53:14,359 the mother! 1390 00:53:14,360 --> 00:53:17,839 Like, I'm not a fucking Kinder surprise, dude. 1391 00:53:17,840 --> 00:53:20,279 Like, there's nothing in there. 1392 00:53:20,280 --> 00:53:21,999 It's the same kind of guy who wants to hit you with those, 1393 00:53:22,000 --> 00:53:24,399 like, biological facts you always hear as a young girl 1394 00:53:24,400 --> 00:53:26,119 from a young age, which is so fucking creepy. 1395 00:53:26,120 --> 00:53:27,519 Shit like-- you always hear this, 1396 00:53:27,520 --> 00:53:28,759 I don't know why I know this fact. 1397 00:53:28,760 --> 00:53:30,359 People are like, you're born with all the eggs 1398 00:53:30,360 --> 00:53:32,719 you'll ever need your life. 1399 00:53:32,720 --> 00:53:34,439 They're born into your body as a little baby. 1400 00:53:34,440 --> 00:53:37,519 And you little baby's babies got all the eggs that they need. 1401 00:53:37,520 --> 00:53:38,959 Like little salmon roe. 1402 00:53:38,960 --> 00:53:41,239 All the eggs they'll ever need to make. 1403 00:53:41,240 --> 00:53:44,399 It's like, sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to back the fuck up 1404 00:53:44,400 --> 00:53:45,959 and stop telling me I'm full of eggs. 1405 00:53:45,960 --> 00:53:47,399 All right? 1406 00:53:47,400 --> 00:53:49,080 Get on the ground. 1407 00:53:50,600 --> 00:53:52,479 I just question, constantly question, right-- 1408 00:53:52,480 --> 00:53:54,039 we're pitted against each other, people who want kids, 1409 00:53:54,040 --> 00:53:55,279 people who don't want kids. 1410 00:53:55,280 --> 00:53:57,519 It's still quite-- my motivations, I'll admit, 1411 00:53:57,520 --> 00:53:59,199 they oscillate! They oscillate 1412 00:53:59,200 --> 00:54:01,719 about not having kids between two positions 1413 00:54:01,720 --> 00:54:03,279 depending on my level of self-esteem 1414 00:54:03,280 --> 00:54:04,839 at that moment in time, right? 1415 00:54:04,840 --> 00:54:06,719 Like, if I'm feeling good about myself, 1416 00:54:06,720 --> 00:54:08,839 the reasoning is that, well, my grandparents, 1417 00:54:08,840 --> 00:54:12,839 my parents, they perfected the recipe, over and out, right. 1418 00:54:12,840 --> 00:54:16,159 It's either that, or, if I'm feeling bad about myself, 1419 00:54:16,160 --> 00:54:19,559 it is, whatever this is has to end. 1420 00:54:19,560 --> 00:54:23,600 And you need to be the one who does it, girl. 1421 00:54:25,400 --> 00:54:26,719 But it's crazy, like, 1422 00:54:26,720 --> 00:54:29,519 it was an amazing thing to realize about myself, 1423 00:54:29,520 --> 00:54:30,679 and I had Margaret to thank for that. 1424 00:54:30,680 --> 00:54:32,319 Because that's genuinely gonna have an effect 1425 00:54:32,320 --> 00:54:33,839 on all of the relationships 1426 00:54:33,840 --> 00:54:35,799 I embark on going ahead. 1427 00:54:35,800 --> 00:54:38,999 And I have Margaret to thank for that, 1428 00:54:39,000 --> 00:54:41,919 a woman--a fucking America, elderly woman 1429 00:54:41,920 --> 00:54:43,119 who would make these podcasts I'd listen to 1430 00:54:43,120 --> 00:54:44,559 every night before bed. 1431 00:54:44,560 --> 00:54:47,159 And beyond that, right, I think Margaret taught me that-- 1432 00:54:47,160 --> 00:54:49,799 it's so cheesy to say, but she taught me that-- 1433 00:54:49,800 --> 00:54:50,879 you can't really give up. 1434 00:54:50,880 --> 00:54:53,279 I was at a fucking low, low spot, right, 1435 00:54:53,280 --> 00:54:55,839 when I was listening to her, and she told me 1436 00:54:55,840 --> 00:54:58,079 that you have to keep the faith, I think. 1437 00:54:58,080 --> 00:55:00,279 Because sometimes, I think, 1438 00:55:00,280 --> 00:55:01,959 this is the necessary thing. 1439 00:55:01,960 --> 00:55:03,519 This is necessary. 1440 00:55:03,520 --> 00:55:04,919 To go through all of this fucking-- 1441 00:55:04,920 --> 00:55:07,679 all the shitty little things, all 16,000 words of it. 1442 00:55:07,680 --> 00:55:10,959 And it's all delivering you, hopefully, to that person-- 1443 00:55:10,960 --> 00:55:14,199 that person who is gonna say, in whatever form, 1444 00:55:14,200 --> 00:55:16,279 I'll be with you till the end. 1445 00:55:16,280 --> 00:55:17,519 And it's never the fucking first suitcase 1446 00:55:17,520 --> 00:55:19,599 around the baggage claim, is it? 1447 00:55:19,600 --> 00:55:21,919 It takes a few goes round-- unless your business class, 1448 00:55:21,920 --> 00:55:23,799 to be fair. 1449 00:55:23,800 --> 00:55:24,879 And, uh, yeah. 1450 00:55:24,880 --> 00:55:26,839 So yeah, I have her to thank for that. 1451 00:55:26,840 --> 00:55:28,359 And I believed her. And I'm glad I did. 1452 00:55:28,360 --> 00:55:31,359 'Cause a year on, now, later, from this note, 1453 00:55:31,360 --> 00:55:33,480 I am actually engaged, which is very exciting. 1454 00:55:36,280 --> 00:55:39,119 Of course I'm not engaged. 1455 00:55:39,120 --> 00:55:40,199 I-- 1456 00:55:40,200 --> 00:55:42,480 what? 1457 00:55:44,360 --> 00:55:45,880 Sorry. 1458 00:55:50,360 --> 00:55:54,279 Have any of you been listening 1459 00:55:54,280 --> 00:55:57,199 to a single thing 1460 00:55:57,200 --> 00:56:00,279 I have been saying? 1461 00:56:00,280 --> 00:56:03,279 Of course I'm not engaged! 1462 00:56:03,280 --> 00:56:07,479 Why would I be--also, why would I tell you? 1463 00:56:07,480 --> 00:56:09,439 I don't know any of you. 1464 00:56:09,440 --> 00:56:10,439 Uh, no, yeah. 1465 00:56:10,440 --> 00:56:11,439 That is a dirty trick. 1466 00:56:11,440 --> 00:56:13,160 But that was on you, I think. 1467 00:56:16,080 --> 00:56:18,479 Uh, I will tell you what actually happened. 1468 00:56:18,480 --> 00:56:19,519 Yeah? 1469 00:56:19,520 --> 00:56:21,159 I'm not engaged. 1470 00:56:21,160 --> 00:56:22,599 I'll tell you what actually happened, 1471 00:56:22,600 --> 00:56:25,199 and that is that I was very, very sad. 1472 00:56:25,200 --> 00:56:26,599 I was very sad. 1473 00:56:26,600 --> 00:56:27,879 And I didn't know why. 1474 00:56:27,880 --> 00:56:28,879 I didn't have the answers to this, 1475 00:56:28,880 --> 00:56:30,039 because it wasn't a particularly, 1476 00:56:30,040 --> 00:56:32,119 you know, important relationship, right. 1477 00:56:32,120 --> 00:56:34,359 But I feel like that's what happens with breakups, yeah? 1478 00:56:34,360 --> 00:56:36,439 You don't know which one is gonna take you out. 1479 00:56:36,440 --> 00:56:38,119 It's like having a bad oyster. 1480 00:56:38,120 --> 00:56:39,479 It's just one of them just 1481 00:56:39,480 --> 00:56:41,319 fucking knocks you on your ass, right, 1482 00:56:41,320 --> 00:56:43,039 And this is the case with this one. 1483 00:56:43,040 --> 00:56:45,359 So I was desperate, 1484 00:56:45,360 --> 00:56:48,679 and I found myself, uh, 1485 00:56:48,680 --> 00:56:50,119 deciding I was gonna do it. 1486 00:56:50,120 --> 00:56:52,879 I was going to book Margaret 1487 00:56:52,880 --> 00:56:56,959 for a one-on-one 1488 00:56:56,960 --> 00:56:59,399 Zoom coaching session. 1489 00:56:59,400 --> 00:57:03,039 600 US dollars! 1490 00:57:03,040 --> 00:57:04,519 Yeah. Oh, you're right to gasp. 1491 00:57:04,520 --> 00:57:06,239 Yeah. Whoa. 1492 00:57:06,240 --> 00:57:09,959 No offense, I can afford that. 1493 00:57:09,960 --> 00:57:13,559 Because I'm a very dangerous mix of financially stable 1494 00:57:13,560 --> 00:57:15,559 and mentally unwell. 1495 00:57:15,560 --> 00:57:19,359 So I am ripe for swindling, right? 1496 00:57:19,360 --> 00:57:22,400 I'm like Shelley Winters in every film she's ever been in. 1497 00:57:26,120 --> 00:57:28,559 It's a niche joke. 1498 00:57:28,560 --> 00:57:33,439 So I went to the website, and I-- 1499 00:57:33,440 --> 00:57:35,679 I went to what I assume would be like a booking form, 1500 00:57:35,680 --> 00:57:37,959 like a contact form to put in my details and all that. 1501 00:57:37,960 --> 00:57:40,359 And, uh, there was none. 1502 00:57:40,360 --> 00:57:42,839 There was just a YouTube thumbnail 1503 00:57:42,840 --> 00:57:45,839 that had this little title on the thumbnail. 1504 00:57:45,840 --> 00:57:47,439 And it just said, 1505 00:57:47,440 --> 00:57:50,200 "A very difficult announcement." 1506 00:57:51,480 --> 00:57:55,679 Yeah. 1507 00:57:55,680 --> 00:57:57,079 So, yeah, 1508 00:57:57,080 --> 00:57:59,959 Margaret died. 1509 00:57:59,960 --> 00:58:01,879 Oh! 1510 00:58:01,880 --> 00:58:04,159 Amazing reaction from people who found out 1511 00:58:04,160 --> 00:58:06,479 she existed five minutes ago. 1512 00:58:06,480 --> 00:58:08,839 Come on off it. 1513 00:58:08,840 --> 00:58:10,919 But fair enough. 1514 00:58:10,920 --> 00:58:13,319 No, that's true. I know. It's crazy, right? 1515 00:58:13,320 --> 00:58:14,439 It's crazy. But-- 1516 00:58:14,440 --> 00:58:17,119 Sorry. 1517 00:58:17,120 --> 00:58:18,519 Not only had she died, 1518 00:58:18,520 --> 00:58:21,039 sorry, it turns out 1519 00:58:21,040 --> 00:58:23,959 she had been dead 1520 00:58:23,960 --> 00:58:27,479 the entire time 1521 00:58:27,480 --> 00:58:30,039 I had been listening to her podcast 1522 00:58:30,040 --> 00:58:31,479 and reading her work. 1523 00:58:31,480 --> 00:58:35,239 But I don't know if anyone's ever been Sixth-Sensed before, 1524 00:58:35,240 --> 00:58:38,199 but doesn't feel good. 1525 00:58:38,200 --> 00:58:39,720 Doesn't feel good. 1526 00:58:41,000 --> 00:58:44,639 Sorry, is that not insane to anyone? 1527 00:58:44,640 --> 00:58:48,039 Guys, for months, I had been taking the advice from a woman 1528 00:58:48,040 --> 00:58:50,879 who no longer existed. 1529 00:58:50,880 --> 00:58:52,079 What the fuck is that? 1530 00:58:52,080 --> 00:58:53,359 It's terrifying. 1531 00:58:53,360 --> 00:58:54,599 I find that so fucking terrifying, 1532 00:58:54,600 --> 00:58:57,199 the idea that there was a version of ourselves 1533 00:58:57,200 --> 00:58:58,599 out there forever. 1534 00:58:58,600 --> 00:59:00,439 There's a version of Margaret out there in the ether, 1535 00:59:00,440 --> 00:59:03,039 fucking living on forever and ever, never to be deleted. 1536 00:59:03,040 --> 00:59:04,879 That's petrifying to me. What happens to me? 1537 00:59:04,880 --> 00:59:06,319 What happens to me? 1538 00:59:06,320 --> 00:59:08,119 What happens to-- what happens to my-- 1539 00:59:08,120 --> 00:59:09,959 what's my legacy to the next generation, if that's the case? 1540 00:59:09,960 --> 00:59:11,039 Is it this note? 1541 00:59:11,040 --> 00:59:12,159 This note! 1542 00:59:12,160 --> 00:59:13,759 This fucking note! 1543 00:59:13,760 --> 00:59:15,920 Cucumbersome, is that it? 1544 00:59:18,200 --> 00:59:20,159 It can't be. 1545 00:59:20,160 --> 00:59:22,079 And that's--you know what? 1546 00:59:22,080 --> 00:59:25,359 That is the weird thing about even doing this show, right? 1547 00:59:25,360 --> 00:59:27,279 Because it's the same as Margaret, 1548 00:59:27,280 --> 00:59:30,279 in the sense that Margaret doesn't exist anymore, 1549 00:59:30,280 --> 00:59:32,039 but the person who wrote this note 1550 00:59:32,040 --> 00:59:33,839 doesn't exist either, right? 1551 00:59:33,840 --> 00:59:38,079 I barely recognize the woman behind these words. 1552 00:59:38,080 --> 00:59:40,439 And yet, I know, 1553 00:59:40,440 --> 00:59:42,279 the next time my heart gets broken, 1554 00:59:42,280 --> 00:59:45,079 I'll fucking meet her again, right? 1555 00:59:45,080 --> 00:59:46,199 Because that's how it works. 1556 00:59:46,200 --> 00:59:48,479 People don't actually change, right. 1557 00:59:48,480 --> 00:59:50,319 This is locked in forever. 1558 00:59:50,320 --> 00:59:53,039 I'm gonna make the same mistakes 1559 00:59:53,040 --> 00:59:56,079 over and over and over again 1560 00:59:56,080 --> 00:59:58,359 on an endless loop. 1561 00:59:58,360 --> 01:00:00,959 And the only thing I can do right now 1562 01:00:00,960 --> 01:00:04,999 is pull together whatever scraps of wisdom I have 1563 01:00:05,000 --> 01:00:07,119 in this moment-- 1564 01:00:07,120 --> 01:00:11,279 yeah--pass it to the next version of myself, 1565 01:00:11,280 --> 01:00:15,199 and hope, fucking pray, 1566 01:00:15,200 --> 01:00:17,440 that she does a better job. 1567 01:00:19,040 --> 01:00:22,239 So that's it, really. 1568 01:00:22,240 --> 01:00:24,359 But to be absolutely fair, 1569 01:00:24,360 --> 01:00:26,479 I did warn you at the start. 1570 01:00:26,480 --> 01:00:28,960 I am very bad at endings.