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Yeah.
Alright. Yeah.
I chose Chicago for the special
because I love, I love Chicago.
Matter of fact, I was here four years ago.
I was out to get lunch
and I had an experience here in Chicago
that I have never been able to get rid of really.
I haven't been able to shake it.
I was sitting next to a couple, a guy
and a girl, two people.
They ordered two large pizzas and they finished them.
Two people, they ordered two large pizzas.
They finished all but a slice. Okay.
You ever sitting next to people
that are having a conversation and you're listening
and what they're talking about,
the words coming outta their mouth are so ridiculous
that you feel in your heart that you have
to butt in on behalf of society.
At the end of this meal, the woman turned to her husband.
She said, hun, don't even get the car. We'll walk it off.
I was like, walk it off?
Bitch, I hope you live in Kalamazoo
because
crunching some numbers, carry the two
You need to get going.
You two need to leave now.
walk it off.
I suggest a sensible shoe and a canteen.
You have so far to walk. Walk it off.
She's talking about it like it was a Charlie horse.
I just watched you two eat 15 slices.
A serving is one.
I didn't say that. I didn't say any of that.
I'll tell you what happened. I stayed quiet.
Finish my whole pizza.
I didn't say I was walking it off though, so
probably still is with me.
As a matter of fact, as soon
as she said that, I jumped on my phone.
I had to, I Googled it. The average pizza, 3,200 calories.
That's without topping. She had two.
Let's not even talk about those.
You gotta understand something. You walk,
we walk three miles an hour as human beings
and in an hour we burn 160 calories,
which means that the woman from
Chicago would've had to walk
for 20 hours.
20 hours or 60 miles. That's the math.
I've done it many times.
I've been alive for decades. Okay?
I lived in seven locations.
They've all been within nine miles of each other.
This woman has to walk the length of the Great Lakes
'cause she wanted double sausage.
I have Chicago.
I have regretted not saying
something to this woman so badly
that I think of her in my regular life.
For four years
I have thought of this woman from Chicago.
I swear I think about her in the shower,
when I'm trying to fall asleep.
You know, I think about her when I walk
and I flew into Chicago yesterday and I got like PTSD.
I was like, Chicago, the woman.
I am so obsessed that I didn't say anything.
That this is where I'm at with this situation. Okay?
If somebody invented time travel,
I wouldn't even use that
to like go back and save a bunch of people.
I go four years ago, Wicker Park in the pizzeria
and give this bitch cheese the distance.
1:18 PM I kicked the pizzeria door,
but I, excuse me, miss, I'm from the future.
Are you prepared to walk until around this time tomorrow?
No. Well then everybody in the pizzeria thinks you're being
very unreasonable.
Then I turn to myself and be like, you two put it down.
It doesn't come off
I, I should walk more things off.
I don't walk. I don't go out.
I don't leave my house anymore. Okay?
I turned 30 years old, November, 2006
and
That's where it fell off for me.
This is how much I dread going out. Seriously.
Recently, it was my best friend Mike's birthday.
We've been friends for 34 years.
I still didn't want to go out.Just to get me
through the night of my best friend's birthday.
For the first time in my life, I took a five hour energy.
You have, you have experience. Yeah.
This is how bad I didn't want to go out.
This is how much I dreaded. I took two five hour energies.
No. Yeah. I don't need to read the directions
'cause I know that clearly means
I get 10 consecutive hours
of evenly distributed energy
that should subside
right around that last minute,
I had 10 hours of energy.
The second I swallowed,
I basically did cocaine with vitamin B12.
I would've punched a child if one came across me,
I would've punched a little boy right in his mouth
and then asked him if he wanted to start a crypto business.
That's how quickly I was out of my gourd, okay?
I took 42000% of the recommended daily allowance
of vitamin B12.
I was like, it's my birthday now.
We went out, we drank heavy on top of that.
It was time to come home. I'm responsible.
I took an Uber home and the Uber was a five star
ride, pristine.
But when I got out of the Uber, I was
so hopped up still on the energy
and all the alcohol that I accidentally hit one
star and I hit submit.
Let me finish.
I'm neurotic as it is. He pulled away.
I had a full meltdown. I was afraid.
I've ruined this man's life.
I was like, oh my God,
the guy's gonna get fired from his Uber.
I was thinking the worst. I ruined his life.
I was like, he probably has a baker's dozen
worth of children, they all need braces probably.
I sat down at 4:15 in the morning on the stoop
of a home that I didn't know who lived there.
Wasn't me.
and I swear to you, these words came outta my mouth.
I went, oh my god, this guy's kids.
And I realized in that moment, I'll go in the app
and you can write to them if you have an issue.
So, ah, that's what I did that night.
I went into the app in that state of mind
in that condition,
and I wrote to Uber to save this man and his children.
I forgot about it. I found it in my phone.
Four months later, I have the letter on me right now.
I'm gonna read this to you guys.
I need you to keep a few things in mind, okay?
This is a combination of 600 minutes of energy,
Tito's handmade vodka,
and autocorrect.
Autocorrect does some of the heavy lifting here.
It starts off like this,
"To oves, it may concern."
Next sentence.
EVERYTHING'S GOING GREAT!!!!!
All caps coming in hot,
coming in hot on that second sentence.
All caps, five exclamations.
Why am I pissed off?
All of a sudden, what happened between the first
and second sentence?
It's not like someone at Uber was like, you know, sir,
I'm sorry, it's too late.
We just got word. His daughters are
all selling their bodies.
Also. It's 4:15 AM
and I'm trying to reach a human up at the Uber office.
So it is not going great.
Croutons.
That's the next sentence. That's the subject.
The verb and the predicate. Croutons fucking period.
Croutons is what I told them.
I said, croutons, croutons.
I have a major emergency here.
This guy's kid's teeth hang in the balance.
I told them, croutons, call the meeting, figure it out.
I thought about croutons. I thought about
that sentence for a while too.
Because, because, because, because what?
Auto corrects to croutons.
What the hell was I trying to say?
That the iPhone 11S was like, no, no, no. Trust us.
He means crotons. That's what the boy means. Yes.
We here at Apple, believe the boy meant the cubes of bread.
You put in your salads and your soups.
That's the end of the letter to Uber.
If you're paying attention. I didn't even mention a star.
This guy, this guy has 13 kids running around the city
that can never smile with confidence.
To oves it making concern.
EVERYTHING'S GOING GREAT!!!!! Croutons.
Tell your children. I said, you're welcome.
What did I even do there? That's not adult behavior.
I log onto Uber corporate at 4:15 in the morning,
told them my life,
fantastic. I need one salad ingredient
and I peaced the fuck out.
Never to be heard from again.
Because I told you I found out on my phone four months
later I was mortified.
Switch to Lyft. Been using Lyft ever since.
In my head, that is printed out
and it's taped to the wall in the Uber office.
It must be, I feel like they use it for training purposes.
Hey, how you doing? Welcome to Uber.
Two weeks paid vacation break room's over there. Come here.
Tell us what the fuck you think it means by croutons.
There's a large office prize.
No, you laugh, but I could've. I could've.
I could've helped those wonky tooth little bastards.
I failed. I live with that. I feel bad about it.
'cause you, you have to, when you're in a situation
where you could help children, you do it.
Everyone knows that.
That's a weird time to laugh. Weird. It's weird.
I feel like, do you want to just like,
we'll close our eyes.
You, you leave.
So we don't see you. So we don't report you.
Couple weeks ago, my young niece, she didn't feel well
and my sister took her temperature with a laser gun.
Beep. You seen that laser gun? Beep. Yeah. You seen that?
Yeah.
Where was that technology
in the seventies?
There was a planet full of children
that could have used that technology
in the seventies.
And I see young people in the audience,
and I don't even know if you know what I'm talking about.
I don't know if you know what we went through,
but when you sneezed
or when you had the sniffles when I was little, you had
to get up your ass very quickly.
Nobody talks about that.
I feel like it didn't need to happen. No one talks about it.
Let's talk about it now.
I don't know why the common cold in the seventies was
so closely related to sodomy.
I don't know why my word to my mother
that I didn't feel well wasn't good enough for her.
Like I said, when you sneeze in 1978,
it got real weird, real fast.
I used to sneeze in the closet
for fear of retaliation.
Seriously. I was like, you are never getting me.
I will eat an apple every day
and I will sneeze amongst these coats.
For the younger people,
this is how we go down when I was younger.
My mom would feel my forehead and be like, he feels hot.
And then my dad would be like, yeah, but how hot?
Hear me out. Why don't we stick this glass rod up
his asshole?
Really get to the bottom of it.
At that point, you are doing more damage
than the cold.
Common cold goes away, two, three days,
force penetration sticks around.
I feel like we needed one
reasonable adult in the seventies
that could have changed the course of history for us.
Just one to be like, you know what? I felt his forehead.
He feels warm. Good enough for me.
I swear to you, I felt like I had a gaggle of adults
around me at all times.
Like, you need to penetrate this sick boy now.
Or we'll never know if he needs a cough drop.
Now bend the boy over, stick the mercury up his hole
against his will.
Or how will we know if he needs plenty of liquids?
I know some of you are saying, what about under the tongue?
No, I was one of four. Okay?
I don't know who was reamed prior.
You start with hole.
You stick with hole under the tongue is no longer an option.
It's a glorious time for temperatures.
So soak it up, really soak it up
because one day my children are not gonna know
what I went through
and I thought about it
and I do not think that is fair.
So I will split the difference.
I will take their temperature using the laser gun,
but I will shove that
up their fucking ass.
And by the way, lasers existed in the seventies.
The technology was there. It didn't have to happen.
I realized that 40 years too late.
As I got older, I realized
so many things like that after the fact.
I, I used to live with my older grandparents as a kid.
And the main thing that I took away from living
with old people all those years as a child is
that I always thought that when I got older,
moths would be a much bigger issue.
My grandparents battled moths,
like their pensions were riding on it.
Excuse me. There were so many moth balls
piled in my grandfather's closet that I thought
that when I got older, moths might be a legitimate hurdle
that I was supposed to overcome in my life.
At some point I thought they were to be feared.
I, I prepared for moths, like a doomsday prepper. Okay?
If you would've asked me back then,
what do you want outta life Sal?
I would've been like, what do I want?
The same thing that you want. Go to school,
get a good education, graduate,
go to college, graduate from there.
Get a good job, with a good salary, find a gal,
settle down, have a couple kids.
Everybody's healthy. Don't get overtaken by the moths.
How much of a problem were moths
That balls
needed to be invented?
What was going on
before the balls?
Mayhem, people roaming the streets,
glazed look on their face, tattered cold
and like, don't go in there.
It's a proper shit show
and we don't yet have a solution.
Hey dude, I know you hate moths. Don't worry.
I invented balls.
Cool, bro, those killed moths?
No you just throw 'em in your closet.
Your closet smells like piss
and you don't go in it anymore.
What even do they do? They don't kill moths.
They just smell like urinal cakes.
What kind of business model is that?
Honestly, at the end of the day, what's worse?
Someone would be like, oh my god, Sal,
you have a little hole in in your lapel.
Well, let's make a run for it.
Here comes the human golden shower.
Just walk around, smelling like piss, gimme the holes.
It also blows my mind that a moths food
of choice is a shirt.
Did you ever think about this? They ate clothes.
And here's where it gets tricky for me.
Moths were around before clothes.
So what did they eat then?
And how God awful was it that they were like,
give me slacks.
I know nothing of moths.
But there was one moth to be like, yo, bro,
I know you're chopping on that larvae that you love,
but when you're done, gimme a shot.
I got something's gonna blow your balls off.
It's called a polo.
I feared thermometers. I feared moths. Thunder.
Thunder debilitated me as a kid.
Okay, my mama, we had a bad storm.
My mom used to have to talk me down from the thunder
and she used to say, honey, don't worry about the thunder.
That's just God
bowling.
You've heard that? Yeah, you've heard that.
Why are you applauding that? Why would you applaud that?
That's a sack of shit lie right there.
Why do we do that to children? Don't lie to me.
Tell me the truth about thunder. The truth isn't bad.
There's no need for a coverup.
Just it's a cold front meets warm front. Boom, boom.
You got some thunder there.
You tell me, you fill my head up with fables.
You fill my head up with fables,
you tell me it's God bowling.
I took that information to school.
I got my ass handed to me.
I walked into school that day like a
confident meteorologist.
So I was like, you guys are scared of this.
That's just God and his good time Pals.
Tanya, calm down.
That's just Jesus engaging in light recreation.
You should be less concerned about the thunder
and more concerned that he's up there taking a load off
while you have Crohn's.
I am gonna shoot my kids straight.
It's the only way to go.
I think it's a terrible thing to do, to lie to them.
Imagine explaining thunder
to children in less fortunate areas
or countries even like that.
Like a third world country.
That would be insane like a honey.
I know you're scared right now. We're all scared.
This is the likes of a storm we have never seen
and we are low on food and rations
and medicines
and the village is washing away
And we haven't seen your sister
in quite some time.
But don't worry, that's just God
fucking bowling.
Don't you dare trouble him with prayer right now.
He's a thunderbolt away from a Turkey.
What is bowling?
Honey, bowling is the thing that the rich countries do
where people wear shoes made of the hides of animals
and they stand on polished wood
and they throw a marble sphere down an alley,
knock down ivory pins only to pick 'em right back up.
It doesn't sound real right? I know it is real, honey.
God is what's not real.
Oh, I knew that would split the audience.
However, however, the joke is on you.
I am religious.
I say that to see where the pagans are.
I see you and I see you and I saw you. So now I know.
No, I I was raised Catholic.
I went to Catholic school from kindergarten
to senior year of college.
Yes. So I don't believe
it's not anything profound.
It's just that if you believe in heaven,
you have to believe in hell.
That's the yin yang. That's the rule they set up.
I don't want to believe in hell.
So I choose not to subscribe.
God bowling.
We will say anything to kids.
We don't even care if it
sounds believable in the least.
The tooth fairy,
the whole concept
of the tooth fairy is cuckoo bananas.
It sounds like an acid trip.
Do you know when I, the
the tooth fairy was a nightmare situation for me.
I found out about the tooth theory the day I lost
my first tooth.
Not a year, not a month. They forgot to tell me.
I found out the day I lost it.
I'm six.
I have to process this information by nightfall.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
I was like, dad, let's just get,
let's just get the title out of the way.
A woman is going to access the home this evening
despite the locks to take a piece of my mouth
and you are signing off?
Midddle of the night some no name hussy
is gonna sorter in here while I'm eyeballs
deep in a REM cycle.
No name by the way, no name.
That's not a red flag.
She only goes by her job title.
If I had someone walk up to me, me like, Hey, I'm Stan,
this is my wife, regional manager,
I'd be suspect to Stan and Reig right away.
I said, dad, why don't we put it in the mailbox
clean transaction.
Everybody wins.
He says,
she only flies here if it's under the pillow.
I said,
"She has wings?"
I need to call Jason.
Jason was my best friend at the time.
I wanted to call him to warn him.
What would I even say?
Jason, listen, there's not a lot of time
a no name floozy
is coming for your teeth tonight.
And the deadbolt don't mean shit.
I said, dad, we don't know this woman.
What if she's having a bad day?
She comes in here and she starts taking
other body parts?
Like, what if she got up on the wrong side of her cocoon?
And she comes in and she's just
like, she takes my knee caps.
Now I have no caps. Dad, now I have no caps.
Are they baby caps? Will I get these caps back Dad?
How much will I get for these caps Dad?
I had extensive questions about the caps.
He said, she'll give you a dollar. I said, A dollar.
Why didn't you lead with that?
I was six, it was 1982.
A dollar?
I felt like Mark Cuban.
I was like, I'm gonna buy a
little league team with this money.
I would've walked into the playground like, all
you motherfuckers is getting gum today.
I said, you know, let's try to go to sleep.
Alright, a dollar. So that was a motivation.
So I went to sleep, fell asleep eventually,
and I woke up sometime in the middle of the night
and when I woke up, I was frozen, okay?
And I started to inch my hand up, my body slowly
as to not make a big fuss
because I don't know what this woman is capable of.
And I reached around my neck and I felt paper
and I pulled it out and it was a dollar.
And you would think, from what I told you that I was happy.
I felt extremely violated.
I immediately went,
"Help she's in the house!"
I heard my dad's footstep. I was like, you ready?
He is like, what's the matter? I go, she's in the house.
She may still be in this house.
I said, get my tooth back.
He couldn't calm me down. Hysterics.
He had to take me out of my bed at two in the morning.
He walked me down the hall to the kitchen
and he showed me right on the kitchen
counter was an envelope.
He opened it and my tooth was in it.
I believed in the tooth fairy
for four hours.
He still couldn't calm me down.
And I'm like, no, I'm just crying. I'm flailing.
He's like, look at me. Stop.
He's like, Sal, I just showed you the tooth. You're okay.
I I did that. I'm the tooth fairy. That's your tooth.
You don't have to worry.
You gotta understand something though.
I was six years old,
it was 2:00 AM,
and I was dealing with a lot of trauma.
And I received that information, not as,
there is no such thing as the tooth fairy.
I thought that he was telling me
that my father
was the fairy
I went, who do I call you now?
That's how confused I was.
I forgot about the fairy for a second.
And my main concern was, well,
how shall I address this man going forward?
Everyone thinks they're so progressive.
I was having the pronoun conversation 40 years ago.
Thank you very much.
I know now he's not the fairy.
He's one of her helpers.
Everything rattled me as a kid. Okay?
I was born in 1976
and for most, most of 1987, I was
terrified that the rhythm was gonna get me.
You could talk amongst yourselves.
I, you could explain it.
I'll wait, I'll wait for you guys to just to.
If you don't know what I'm talking about,
there was a smash hit song in 1987 called
The Rhythm is Gonna Get You.
It was by Gloria, Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine.
It's a very aggressive song.
And my sister used to have the cassette tape
and she used to play it over and over and over.
If you know the song, if you don't know it,
if you haven't heard it, listen to it.
Do me a favor as soon as you leave here tonight.
And I want you to listen to the lyrics
because the lyrics are horrifying for a child.
This is how the song goes,
At night,
already scary.
When you turn off all the lights,
there's no place that you can hide.
Ha ha ha. The rhythm is gonna get you.
The first time I heard that, I was like, "yeah,
what the fuck did she just say?"
I'm not prepared
In bed.
Throw the covers on your head
and pretend like you are dead.
Fucking rhythm's gonna get you.
I don't know if she said fucking,
she may as well have Chicago.
I felt fucking.
No clue of what's happening to you.
But before this night is through, Ooh baby,
the rhythm is gonna get you.
Thank you.
And then the song continues as if to taunt the child.
Rhythm is going get you.
Rhythm is going get you rhythm is gonna get you.
The rhythm is gonna get you.
I'm like, when is this happening?
The song's like Tonight,
I'm like, yo, tonight,
like in a little while, sundown.
Is the rhythm here?
Two biggest things I was afraid of in 1987,
Freddie Krueger and the Rhythm.
Freddie Krueger is a murdering child.
molestor, burnt head to toe to a crisp.
He has knives for fings.
He comes back in your dreams
to kill you and your loved ones.
You can't escape him. I was afraid of that man,
and the rhythm.
I used to, I used
to kiss my mom goodnight when I was little,
and for like six months in 1987, I'd be like,
mom, I love you.
I I hope you sleep well.
Also though, might tonight be the night
that the rhythm
gets into the house,
and gets me specifically.
I didn't give a shit about my sister. Fuck that bitch.
She wants to play the tape over and over
and summon the rhythm to our home.
I was like, rhythm, do me a favor.
You come to our house, go down the hall, make a hard write.
She's a toothless brunette
underneath the hello Kitty sheets with a death twist.
I want no part of this.
And again, mom, you have to talk me down for a minute.
And she said, tell me honey, don't worry about the rhythm.
It's not coming for you. It's coming for all of us.
She doesn't do things the right way. No, no.
She was like, honey, don't worry about the rhythm.
It's a, it's a phrase.
And when you get older, you will understand,
but I promise you, you are in no immediate danger.
And that's all I needed. I trusted my mom. That was fine.
Put that to bed for me until the day
that this woman used the rhythm against me.
Me and my sister were fighting one day my mom was like,
guys, cut it out guys.
I'm not gonna say it again.
And then she just went, alright, that's it.
And she turned in one motion
and swiped the phone off the wall.
And she went, hello? The rhythm's on the phone.
Maybe don't laugh at that. That's terrorism.
You know,
that's straight up domestic t.
I was a smart ass when I was little.
And I was like, how is the rhythm on the phone?
The phone didn't ring.
A couple of months later we were fighting
again and we were getting into it.
And my mom was like, guys cut it out.
And she said, guys, don't make me say it again.
And then she went, okay, fine.
Which I think is even scarier.
She walked to the wall like
she had all the time in the world,
and she just picked up the phone and she looked at me
and she dialed numbers and she waited
and she went,
hello, yes, this is Adele.
No, he has not listened to me today at all.
Yeah, he's standing right here.
Oh sure, thank you so much.
And she puts the phone to me.
I took a deep breath,
released some urine.
I took a step toward the phone,
put it in my hand, put it to my head.
My hand was trembling like this.
And I went, hello, who is this?
And the voice on the other line said,
this is the rhythm.
No,
That is very wrong.
You don't do that to a child. My mother should be in jail.
Straight up penitentiary for that woman.
You don't do that to a boy. That affected me deeply.
How deeply happy when I was 11. I'm 47.
It's a Saturday in Chicago and we're talking about it. So
I was a terrified kid.
I I became a terrified adult. I, I am, I am.
I am terrified right now.
I'll tell you about one of the most frightening things
that happened to me in my adult life.
I used to live in this little studio, basement apartment
underneath like a townhouse.
And one day I was sleeping deep sleep,
all the lights pitch black.
And I heard a pounding at the door.
And you know, you know,
you could tell when something is an emergency.
I heard like, and in one motion,
IL from a deep sleep to my feet.
And I was like, hello?
My heart was beating outta my chest.
And I heard Sal, it's Dave. Open the door.
Dave was my landlord.
He's the guy that lived upstairs for me at the time.
And he was a big Irish dude.
He was a New York City detective.
And I stumbled in the dark to the door
and I cracked it open like this much.
And the sun came and I went, what's up?
And he said, did you hear anything? And I said, no.
And he goes, you didn't hear anything.
And I said, no, what's up?
And he goes, I just got home.
My door upstairs is off the hinges.
Somebody broke into my house
and I think they're still in there.
Let's go.
Let's go?
I pay you.
You're gonna drag me into this. Your tenant.
I'm a straight up civil.
He didn't even wait for a response.
He walked away like, I'm going to help him.
So I threw on my terry cloth bathrobe and my house slippers
because I may be fighting a criminal in a few moments.
And I went to the front of the house.
I don't know why I went, I shouldn't have gone.
And I get to the front
and sure enough, I see the front door hanging off
the middle hinge only.
And it was chilling.
And for a moment I was like, are
we sure this isn't the tooth fairy?
I don't want you to go in there and shoot my father.
JK he's just a helper. So,
and was standing there and I don't know what to do.
And in that moment, he reaches into his jacket
and he pulls out a gun and he cocked it.
Now I know
that you guys are from here,
but I'm from there.
I'm not used to seeing a gun in front of my face,
let alone cocked and ready to go.
And in that moment he says to me, with a serious face,
he goes, I'm gonna go inside
and I'm gonna secure the first floor.
You get my back.
And I said to him, I'm your guy.
I don't know why I said that. I'm not his guy.
I'm nobody's guy.
I'm barely a guy.
And he goes in, and the only way
I could describe it is like
what we see in TV and movies.
I swear to God, he's technical, methodical.
He's doing, he's doing this stuff.
I'm standing there like I am very unclear of my role here.
I'm dressed like I'm waiting for a massage.
I couldn't do anything but repeat 'em.
He was like, kitchen's clear. My kitchen's clear.
Closet is clear. I go all clear in the closet.
And he comes up to me and he goes,
I've canvassed the first floor.
We good down here. Now you and I have to go upstairs.
I was just like, I'm still your guy.
And we start to go up the steps
and look, it is tense man.
And he's stone faced. Okay?
He's been in this situation before.
He's ready to act. Okay?
He's going up the steps. He's trying not even
to make a creek, not one creek in the steps, okay?
I am right behind him,
head to toe, south park pajamas
Terry Cloth Bathrobe.
Again, I could only mimic him.
So I'm just like, okay, I took my cues from him.
So I'm just going up the stairs.
It looked like an episode of Scooby Doo.
At one point, I swear to God, I even did this with my hand
because I felt like I needed something.
Maybe the robber would think I had a flesh pistol.
I don't know.
We get to the top of the steps.
There's three doors up there. Two were open,
one was a half bath, not impressive.
The other was a spare bedroom.
And then there was one closed door,
which means obviously that if anyone is in the house
they have to be behind that door.
And that means obviously that if something's going
to happen, it's gonna happen right now,
I know we're laughing, but I want you to appreciate this.
So if you could, for even one moment, try, try
to put yourself
in my slippers.
I have been awake for 70 seconds
and I'm standing there like, how did I find myself here?
A minute and a half ago I was with a bunch
of girls at the beach
and now I'm in a position where I could get shot
and I don't know what to do.
And he leans in, in that moment, he goes,
he starts doing hand signals, sign language,
whatever you want to call it.
But I was like, why would you believe
that I could interpret this?
Can we please go downstairs and tiptoe down there
and whisper about it?
And before I could communicate to him,
I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
He turned and he kicked his own door open. It flew open.
He ran in with the gun out like that.
I got a surge of adrenaline I never felt before in my life.
Something came through my body,
up my toes off the top of my head.
And I involuntarily yelled, pow, pow,
pow, pow I said.
I said pow pow
First I said croutons.
Now here I said, pow, pow.
I made the sound of a gun
from cartoons.
That's how I helped that man, onomatopoeia.
So he gets shot.
No. Could you imagine?
He get shot? I'm like, huh,
Pow!
My luck there's a nest cam.
The footage is on the news.
I'm like, pow pow. He's laying there dead.
Kaboom!
Slap!
Tonight at 11, local pussy shot dead making gun sounds.
Thanks guys.
Sir, can you take us through what happened?
Yes, I was, I pay him and I was sleeping
and I wasn't getting a massage.
And I love cartoons, sir, this is live.
Can we cut to the chase? Yes. I said, pow pow.
There was nobody in there.
Could you imagine how emasculating that was for me
in that moment?
He, I watched, he didn't even turn around for 10 seconds.
Maybe I just saw his back shaking like this.
And then he just went, pow, pow.
I was like, Dave, I did all that I could.
Two weeks later, he raised my rent $50.
That was scary. It really was. That was intense.
But it was nothing compared to the hands down,
worst experience of my life.
The worst night of my life. Okay?
I was in Amsterdam
with my girlfriend on vacation a few years back.
And we came outta the Van Gogh museum
and it was getting dark out and we had no plans.
We said, what are we gonna do tonight?
And by chance across the street was the Amsterdam
Royal Concert Hall.
It was a beautiful old landmark venue.
And right on the marquee it said
tonight only the
Amsterdam Symphony with guest vocalist, Rufus Wain Wright.
And I had heard his name.
I didn't know much about him, never saw him before,
but I know he was some virtuoso.
Well like, look at this specific
to tonight in Amsterdam, that's what we're gonna do.
So we run across the street right before it started.
And we bought two tickets and we're about to go in.
And my girlfriend says, hun, we're in Amsterdam.
Why don't we go smoke a little marijuana before we go in?
It'll be that much more fun.
Well, okay, but at the time,
I didn't smoke marijuana.
At the time.
And I was like, I don't know. And she's like, well,
when would there be a more perfect time to do it?
And I said, okay, I'm, you know,
I'll, I'll be a team player.
And so she runs across the street
and she buys it wherever you buy it.
And she runs back over and she hands me a bag
and I take it out and I light it.
And I took two of the biggest hits
I have ever taken in my entire life.
And immediately
I knew something was very wrong.
She goes, oh my God, your face is pale white.
I said, I know. She said, is there an issue?
I said, a big one. She said, what's the matter?
I said, I can't feel my arms.
She's like, I'm sure you'll be fine.
I said, I don't think so. She said, why?
I said, because it is progressing
and I can't feel my legs.
And then she's staring back at me blankly.
And I was like, I need those.
She said, hun, calm down. You're just high.
I said, no, I've been high before in my life.
This does not feel like that.
I'm telling you, believe me, something's very wrong.
And I looked down at the baggie that I was holding
and it said heroin.
Yeah, I'm just kidding though.
But it did say hash
and I don't know what that is, but I smoked that shit.
I smoked so much hash, I don't even know what it is.
I know what a hash brown is.
But it wasn't a hash brown because it was after 11:00 AM
She said, I think we should go inside.
I said, really? I think we should book a flight
and fly home tonight.
She said, no, why don't we go inside?
I said, I don't think this is a good idea any longer.
I am very unsettled. She said, hun, you are with me.
Okay, I'll make sure you're okay. You're just high.
I'll take care of you. I promise. Let's go inside.
And then she took my hand like she was my
sponsor and she led me in.
And I was just
no control over any of these, right?
We get inside, we're in a vestibule.
They handed out hot wine. And their hot wine.
I never heard of hot wine before. I slammed two.
Slammed two. She's not looking out for me.
this woman.
10 feet away is the door
to the actual theater.
We walk in there, I look up, I go, we made a mistake.
It is gorgeous in there. There is crystal chandeliers.
Everything is gold leaf. The seats were velvet.
It was 1700 seats.
Everybody in there was in a tux and a gown.
Your boy was in shorts,
Flip flops,
And a fanny pack.
I was a taurist that day, you know?
And I was like, I can't do this. I'm mortified.
And she was like, babe, when the lights go down
and we're sitting in our seats, nobody's gonna notice.
I think we should go sit down. And I said, really?
'cause I think we should book a flight and fly home tonight.
And I just take her hand and I go to my seat
and I'm like, skews, skews, skews.
And I get to my seat and I turn,
and the second my ass hit the velvet,
I went, we need to leave now.
I wanna explain something to you guys.
This is hands down, the scariest,
worst experience of my entire life.
No, nothing was funny about it. It was it.
I have trauma from this. Okay?
The only way I could explain to you how I felt was
that I felt like I was having a million thoughts at a time.
I couldn't process any of it.
I didn't understand what was real or not.
And I felt like I was going crazy and drowning
and suffocating in my own thoughts.
So laugh it up.
And just understand this,
every single thing that I said to my girlfriend, in my heart
of hearts, I believed.
So I turned to her and I said, we need to leave now.
And she said, why?
And I said, 'cause everybody in here is trying to kill me.
She said, huh?
I said, everybody in here wants me dead.
She starts laughing.
Do you know how infuriating it is when you think
that 1,700 people are targeting you
and the one person you're with is having a chuckle?
I was like, why are you laughing?
She said, 'cause it's funny. I said, it's funny.
I said, you know what I'm telling you, it's a courtesy.
In a couple of seconds, I'm gonna stand up.
I'm gonna scream at the top of my peak physical ability,
and I am going to run away.
Okay? I'm telling you, as a courtesy,
I kept saying that to her over and over.
I'm telling you as a courtesy,
like I'm some great guy.
She goes, you're not gonna do that. I go, yes I am.
And I'll tell you another thing.
A woman in a wheelchair has situated herself in the aisle.
We just came down,
she's blocking it and I'm not gonna die.
So if I had to get past her
and I can't, something may happen between me and her.
She said, what? I said, well, it's either her or me.
She said, no, it's not. You're not gonna touch that woman.
I said, yes I am.
And I leaned in for dramatic effect, I guess.
And I went, and I've already made peace with it.
And in that moment,
the lights went down, the symphony came out
with Rufuss, and they started the concert.
And I was stuck there. Okay?
And I don't know if you've ever heard him sing before.
This was my first time hearing him.
His voice was other worldly. It was, it was like angelic.
It really was something special
that I hadn't heard before.
And so immediately I started, you know, to cry hard.
And as I'm crying, I feel my throat start to close up.
It starts to constrict.
It's getting very coarse and it starts to hurt.
And I couldn't swallow. My tongue felt like sandpaper.
It was really scary.
I like had no moisture in my inside.
And I turned to her and I went, they, they poisoned me.
She said, what? I said, they poisoned me.
She's like, who do you think poisoned you?
I said, these people.
She said, how do you think these people poisoned you?
I said,
The hot wine.
She said, babe, I had the hot wine. I said,
you're next.
I was processing real grief.
She said, babe, you, you probably have dry mouth.
Why don't you go in your fanny pack
and get yourself a Ricola?
I carry them.
So I looked down at my fanny pack,
which a moment ago was at my feet.
And I gotta tell you, Chicago,
my fanny pack was probably 650 feet down.
Okay? I'm just staring at it for minutes.
Like, who am I supposed to get
down there?
I'm only a man. This a 10 to 15 man job with a ladder.
And it took minutes, but I, I finally was like,
I have an idea, I'll reach.
And I threw my hand down
and I watched my arm extend
650 feet.
Took 11 minutes. I was watching a concert like this.
Finally, I get down there, I grasp it.
Now I gotta come back up,
double the time.
I get the fanny pack up here.
I take out a Ricola,
it's individually wrapped.
This poses another problem.
I'm holding the thing right here looking at it.
I'm like, how am I supposed to penetrate this military grade
wrapper?
I'm dying. I need this lemon laws.
After minutes. I go, you know what though? You know what?
In order to unwrap it, I'm gonna have to unwrap it.
And I go to unwrap it and it sounds like this.
It goes,
and I was like,
because I have to keep a low profile
because 1,700 people want to kill me.
And I freaked out. I'm like, there's,
there's no way this could have came from
my Ricola wrapper.
And I'm looking around and no one's really looking at me.
And so I'm like, I gotta do this again,
because the poison is,
I'm almost a goner.
So I go to unwrap it again slowly.
And I'm like,
and it went,
And I went, everybody mad.
And my girlfriend said, what? I said, everybody here mad.
She said, what are you talking about? Why?
I said, on account of my Ricola.
She said, I don't know what you're talking about.
And in that moment from the stage,
Rufus Wainwright finished singing his first song.
So it's been about four minutes.
And, and he addresses the audience
for the very first time with his non-singing voice.
And he goes like this, hello Amsterdam.
And I was like, what is going on?
His singing voice didn't match his regular voice.
And I did not have the mental capacity
or fortitude to understand that in that moment.
And I freaked out.
I turned to the old man next
to me, had white hair, blue talk.
I went, is he gay?
He is gay. He's a famous out gay man.
Everybody in the theater knew that
but me, the old man knew it.
And so he shot me a look like I was a lunatic.
And it freaked me out. I went, Why? Why? Am I gay?
I asked the old man if I was gay.
And I know, I know some of you'll like,
you didn't ask him if you were gay.
Yes, I fucking did.
I smoked Hash.
I promise you Chicago, in that moment,
I did not know who gay.
And as I'm asking him in my head, I look to the stage
and Rufus Wainwright
went, Ricola.
And I turned to my girlfriend. I go,
that must be a code word.
We have to leave now.
And she's like, it's the first song I'm not leaving.
And I was like, I will always love you.
Skews, skews, skews, skews, skews.
And I get to the aisle
and I see that woman in the wheelchair
and I start running to her.
And I know I'm not gonna get past her.
So right before I magically
pumped the brakes and I went move.
And she went, huh? And I went, huh?
And then I threw my Ricola at her.
I hit her right off the left tit.
I hit her right off the left tit with a Ricola.
I hit the woman in the wheelchair
right off the LT with the R
Burst through the doors of the theater.
I'm outside hyperventilating.
I'm like 30 seconds later, my girlfriend comes out.
I said, take me to the hospital. She said, calm down.
I said, no. I told you I was very unsettled.
She said, hun, calm down. Take this water and drink it.
Let the cold air hit your face for two minutes.
If you still feel this way in two minutes,
I promise you it's on me
and I will take you to the hospital.
Okay? And I said, fine.
She said, why don't you go in your fanny pack
and get yourself a Ricola?
I carry them.
So I go in my
fanny pack to get a Ricola and there was none.
There never was.
What was in my fanny pack.
Little totes umbrella,
a couple of room keys,
and condoms.
Fine Chicago fine.
But you all understand
that this means
that odds are high.
That I threw a condom at the woman in the wheelchair.
I was feverishly trying to open a condom
during this man's performance
while asking the old man next to me, sir, who is gay?
Am I gay? Is he gay?
I need to know right away who is gay.
You guys are amazing, man. Wow. Thank you so much.
Thank you guys. Thank you.
I, I love my job.
I'm so happy to be here.
I feel so lucky to be here. Really.
I love you. Thank you guys.
I will say, I will say there are some
of the greatest comedians in the world
that get on this stage every night.
And they tackle these very edgy,
way more controversial subjects night
after night with no safety net, for better or for worse.
Knowing that these days
it could be risky to their careers.
And it's not easy.
It's not easy to get up here
and take really big swings at very touchy subjects
and make it funny.
And it's a really important thing.
And I just want to give, give it up for those comedians
that come on the stage every night and do that.
Yeah,
for real.
But I'm not that guy.
I'm more of a silly goose you know,
Come to my show. I tell you stories about my life.
You go outside, I push into the bushes, we all go home.
But I do have controversial opinions.
I just never bring them to the stage.
But this is my special
and even more so this is Chicago.
And I couldn't ask more from you guys.
So if you guys are cool with it, if you're cool with it,
I'd like to get into some serious shit right now.
Yeah. Yes, yes. Alright.
Let me just say this. This is not in my wheelhouse,
so I have to preface it with this.
If I say something that offends one of you
and you feel you need to leave, leave
and I do not say that Contentiously,
I say it genuinely supportively.
I would do the same. You should
listen to anything you don't want to.
I respect it. I promise you I would even help you
get your money back.
But all I'm saying is if somebody else is enjoying it,
let's not police each other
and tell each other what we can and can't enjoy.
Is that fair Chicago?
Continental Breakfast is a real piece of shit.
Yeah, it's okay. If you need to leave. Leave, okay.
Because it's way more continental
than it is breakfast.
And I don't even know what continental means,
but it has never not failed to disappoint me.
You ever check into a hotel? They're like,
there's free breakfast down here in the morning.
I'm like, oh my God. Yes.
They're like, it's continental.
I'm like, I hope you and your family get into a car accident
because all it is is Earl Gray tea.
Don't you put me on the elevator
at 7:00 AM for Earl Gray.
If you need to leave, leave,
I'm gonna keep hitting you with the hard hitting topics.
Other comics will not touch.
Radio Shack closed down.
I'm fine with it. Yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry if I'm offending.
But this is how you start a dialogue.
You think the woman from Chicago stuck with me.
I hadn't experience in a shack 10 years ago. 10 years ago.
I walk into a shack, there was nobody in there
as per usu.
I walk in this one worker behind the counter.
Are you getting what I'm saying?
I walked into the structure.
I doubled the amount of people
I make a beeline to the register
I say, excuse me Miss, do you have CD ROMs?
She looked me in the face and went,
he said CD ROMs.
I was like, who the fuck are you talking to?
Are you making fun of me to my face to no one?
This CD ROM purchase gonna keep the lights on in here.
Two years later, they went outta business.
I don't think it's a coincidence.
If you need to leave, leave,
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm just getting warmed up.
I got a bone to pick with all of you. Yeah, yeah.
You thought you were safe. You're not
because you're all guilty of something
and I really, I really, I really have had enough of it.
Okay? And this is what you guys do.
And don't tell me you don't.
You just all go about your lives
and you walk around every day
and you all, you all agree to act like the,
like the first two rounds
of Family Feud actually means something.
They don't, everyone knows third round is triple points
for all the marbles.
Nothing matters in the first two rounds. Okay?
If you can't take this heat, I'm sorry,
but you all were warned.
Your family can win the feud without answering one single
correct question as long
as you steal the very last question.
What kind of snake oil shit is that?
You don't even have to watch Family Feud.
You could tune in with the one minute left
and see all you need to see
Steve Harvey has the grandmother June name a
food that has the word cheese in it.
June's like cheesecake ding cheesecake.
And now the Calhouns are going home
with 5K they don't deserve.
Yes, the grandmother's name is June Calhoun. Get over it.
Would anyone like their money back?
Suck it. I lied.
Yeah, I will get 'em. Thank you so much.
I'll tell you another thing I don't like about Family Feud.
The celebration by these families at the end
of the fast money round, it doesn't match the winnings.
The families need to tone down the show voting right away.
We got game shows giving away millions.
This damn show has been the same price for 23 years.
I looked it up.
It's $20,000 split
amongst five grown adults,
taxed.
Plus hotel and airfare,
these families are coming on the feud,
they're dominating.
Everybody's losing a few hundred dollars.
They're kicking their heels off.
Guys are flicking each other in the nuts.
Steve Huffys doing the Dunky for 1900.
While we're on the topic of game shows,
the price is right.
I don't like the $1 nonsense.
Play the game the way the game was meant to be played.
Don't cheat. Okay,
thanks.
I'll tell you what I don't like even more than that.
Even more.
This
600
601, fuck you.
Say 625, 630, have a little faith in yourself
Let this woman have her washer, dryer combination
I'm already home sick from work. I don't need this.
I wanna make a pact with you right now.
I want to bond all of us in this room right now, okay?
And I'm dead serious. I am dead serious. Okay?
Listen to me because I'm looking
at you guys right in your face.
I see all of you. I see you.
I'm looking, you right in the balls.
There is enough of us in here that odds are maybe one day
Jesus blesses one of us
and we become a contestant on The Price is Right.
If one of you ever,
ever becomes a contestant on the Price is Right
and somebody 601 someone,
you fucking 602, that person.
Thank you Chicago, I love you.
Thank you so much. Thank you guys.
Thank you. I'll always remember that.