1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:24,375 Yeah. 4 00:01:26,252 --> 00:01:28,671 Alright. Yeah. 5 00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:30,340 I chose Chicago for the special 6 00:01:30,423 --> 00:01:32,550 because I love, I love Chicago. 7 00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:38,181 Matter of fact, I was here four years ago. 8 00:01:38,264 --> 00:01:39,474 I was out to get lunch 9 00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:41,351 and I had an experience here in Chicago 10 00:01:41,392 --> 00:01:44,437 that I have never been able to get rid of really. 11 00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:45,688 I haven't been able to shake it. 12 00:01:45,730 --> 00:01:46,689 I was sitting next to a couple, a guy 13 00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:48,191 and a girl, two people. 14 00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:50,944 They ordered two large pizzas and they finished them. 15 00:01:52,529 --> 00:01:55,698 Two people, they ordered two large pizzas. 16 00:01:55,740 --> 00:01:58,368 They finished all but a slice. Okay. 17 00:01:58,409 --> 00:01:59,828 You ever sitting next to people 18 00:01:59,869 --> 00:02:02,122 that are having a conversation and you're listening 19 00:02:02,205 --> 00:02:03,957 and what they're talking about, 20 00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:07,544 the words coming outta their mouth are so ridiculous 21 00:02:07,627 --> 00:02:09,379 that you feel in your heart that you have 22 00:02:09,420 --> 00:02:11,965 to butt in on behalf of society. 23 00:02:13,383 --> 00:02:15,051 At the end of this meal, the woman turned to her husband. 24 00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:19,389 She said, hun, don't even get the car. We'll walk it off. 25 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:23,393 I was like, walk it off? 26 00:02:23,476 --> 00:02:24,978 Bitch, I hope you live in Kalamazoo 27 00:02:25,061 --> 00:02:27,647 because 28 00:02:27,730 --> 00:02:29,023 crunching some numbers, carry the two 29 00:02:29,065 --> 00:02:31,067 You need to get going. 30 00:02:31,109 --> 00:02:34,237 You two need to leave now. 31 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:35,530 walk it off. 32 00:02:35,572 --> 00:02:38,908 I suggest a sensible shoe and a canteen. 33 00:02:39,951 --> 00:02:42,704 You have so far to walk. Walk it off. 34 00:02:42,745 --> 00:02:45,081 She's talking about it like it was a Charlie horse. 35 00:02:47,083 --> 00:02:51,129 I just watched you two eat 15 slices. 36 00:02:52,922 --> 00:02:55,008 A serving is one. 37 00:02:57,969 --> 00:03:00,597 I didn't say that. I didn't say any of that. 38 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,223 I'll tell you what happened. I stayed quiet. 39 00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:03,600 Finish my whole pizza. 40 00:03:09,939 --> 00:03:12,734 I didn't say I was walking it off though, so 41 00:03:12,775 --> 00:03:13,943 probably still is with me. 42 00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:16,279 As a matter of fact, as soon 43 00:03:16,362 --> 00:03:17,864 as she said that, I jumped on my phone. 44 00:03:17,947 --> 00:03:22,118 I had to, I Googled it. The average pizza, 3,200 calories. 45 00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:24,245 That's without topping. She had two. 46 00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:25,997 Let's not even talk about those. 47 00:03:28,374 --> 00:03:29,626 You gotta understand something. You walk, 48 00:03:29,667 --> 00:03:31,461 we walk three miles an hour as human beings 49 00:03:31,544 --> 00:03:35,298 and in an hour we burn 160 calories, 50 00:03:36,549 --> 00:03:37,759 which means that the woman from 51 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:38,801 Chicago would've had to walk 52 00:03:38,843 --> 00:03:39,886 for 20 hours. 53 00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:44,057 20 hours or 60 miles. That's the math. 54 00:03:44,140 --> 00:03:46,184 I've done it many times. 55 00:03:48,561 --> 00:03:50,146 I've been alive for decades. Okay? 56 00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:51,648 I lived in seven locations. 57 00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:54,484 They've all been within nine miles of each other. 58 00:03:54,567 --> 00:03:56,861 This woman has to walk the length of the Great Lakes 59 00:03:58,154 --> 00:03:59,822 'cause she wanted double sausage. 60 00:04:02,325 --> 00:04:03,660 I have Chicago. 61 00:04:03,701 --> 00:04:05,161 I have regretted not saying 62 00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:09,249 something to this woman so badly 63 00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:12,210 that I think of her in my regular life. 64 00:04:13,419 --> 00:04:15,004 For four years 65 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:17,590 I have thought of this woman from Chicago. 66 00:04:17,674 --> 00:04:19,884 I swear I think about her in the shower, 67 00:04:21,344 --> 00:04:22,679 when I'm trying to fall asleep. 68 00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:26,182 You know, I think about her when I walk 69 00:04:28,017 --> 00:04:31,437 and I flew into Chicago yesterday and I got like PTSD. 70 00:04:32,605 --> 00:04:34,941 I was like, Chicago, the woman. 71 00:04:39,612 --> 00:04:41,864 I am so obsessed that I didn't say anything. 72 00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:43,992 That this is where I'm at with this situation. Okay? 73 00:04:44,033 --> 00:04:46,661 If somebody invented time travel, 74 00:04:46,703 --> 00:04:48,037 I wouldn't even use that 75 00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:50,248 to like go back and save a bunch of people. 76 00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:54,711 I go four years ago, Wicker Park in the pizzeria 77 00:04:54,794 --> 00:04:57,463 and give this bitch cheese the distance. 78 00:05:02,385 --> 00:05:04,178 1:18 PM I kicked the pizzeria door, 79 00:05:04,220 --> 00:05:06,306 but I, excuse me, miss, I'm from the future. 80 00:05:07,765 --> 00:05:12,145 Are you prepared to walk until around this time tomorrow? 81 00:05:13,646 --> 00:05:15,565 No. Well then everybody in the pizzeria thinks you're being 82 00:05:15,606 --> 00:05:16,941 very unreasonable. 83 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,236 Then I turn to myself and be like, you two put it down. 84 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,237 It doesn't come off 85 00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:25,241 I, I should walk more things off. 86 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,327 I don't walk. I don't go out. 87 00:05:27,410 --> 00:05:29,329 I don't leave my house anymore. Okay? 88 00:05:29,412 --> 00:05:32,498 I turned 30 years old, November, 2006 89 00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:33,458 and 90 00:05:36,627 --> 00:05:37,920 That's where it fell off for me. 91 00:05:39,255 --> 00:05:41,090 This is how much I dread going out. Seriously. 92 00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:42,925 Recently, it was my best friend Mike's birthday. 93 00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:45,553 We've been friends for 34 years. 94 00:05:45,595 --> 00:05:48,890 I still didn't want to go out.Just to get me 95 00:05:48,931 --> 00:05:50,767 through the night of my best friend's birthday. 96 00:05:50,808 --> 00:05:53,936 For the first time in my life, I took a five hour energy. 97 00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:57,065 You have, you have experience. Yeah. 98 00:05:57,106 --> 00:05:58,608 This is how bad I didn't want to go out. 99 00:05:58,691 --> 00:06:01,611 This is how much I dreaded. I took two five hour energies. 100 00:06:01,652 --> 00:06:03,946 No. Yeah. I don't need to read the directions 101 00:06:04,697 --> 00:06:06,115 'cause I know that clearly means 102 00:06:06,157 --> 00:06:08,701 I get 10 consecutive hours 103 00:06:09,535 --> 00:06:11,621 of evenly distributed energy 104 00:06:13,498 --> 00:06:14,457 that should subside 105 00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:17,960 right around that last minute, 106 00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:19,295 I had 10 hours of energy. 107 00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:21,130 The second I swallowed, 108 00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:24,801 I basically did cocaine with vitamin B12. 109 00:06:26,177 --> 00:06:29,222 I would've punched a child if one came across me, 110 00:06:29,305 --> 00:06:31,099 I would've punched a little boy right in his mouth 111 00:06:31,140 --> 00:06:34,143 and then asked him if he wanted to start a crypto business. 112 00:06:36,354 --> 00:06:39,649 That's how quickly I was out of my gourd, okay? 113 00:06:39,732 --> 00:06:44,737 I took 42000% of the recommended daily allowance 114 00:06:45,738 --> 00:06:47,198 of vitamin B12. 115 00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:49,867 I was like, it's my birthday now. 116 00:06:52,495 --> 00:06:55,498 We went out, we drank heavy on top of that. 117 00:06:55,581 --> 00:06:57,083 It was time to come home. I'm responsible. 118 00:06:57,166 --> 00:06:59,168 I took an Uber home and the Uber was a five star 119 00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:00,670 ride, pristine. 120 00:07:00,753 --> 00:07:02,672 But when I got out of the Uber, I was 121 00:07:02,713 --> 00:07:04,841 so hopped up still on the energy 122 00:07:04,882 --> 00:07:07,176 and all the alcohol that I accidentally hit one 123 00:07:07,218 --> 00:07:08,761 star and I hit submit. 124 00:07:09,887 --> 00:07:11,389 Let me finish. 125 00:07:13,933 --> 00:07:15,977 I'm neurotic as it is. He pulled away. 126 00:07:16,018 --> 00:07:17,854 I had a full meltdown. I was afraid. 127 00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:19,272 I've ruined this man's life. 128 00:07:19,355 --> 00:07:20,815 I was like, oh my God, 129 00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:22,942 the guy's gonna get fired from his Uber. 130 00:07:24,527 --> 00:07:26,154 I was thinking the worst. I ruined his life. 131 00:07:26,195 --> 00:07:28,030 I was like, he probably has a baker's dozen 132 00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:32,618 worth of children, they all need braces probably. 133 00:07:34,245 --> 00:07:37,039 I sat down at 4:15 in the morning on the stoop 134 00:07:37,081 --> 00:07:39,542 of a home that I didn't know who lived there. 135 00:07:39,625 --> 00:07:41,043 Wasn't me. 136 00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:42,879 and I swear to you, these words came outta my mouth. 137 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:46,716 I went, oh my god, this guy's kids. 138 00:07:50,386 --> 00:07:52,555 And I realized in that moment, I'll go in the app 139 00:07:52,638 --> 00:07:54,056 and you can write to them if you have an issue. 140 00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:57,059 So, ah, that's what I did that night. 141 00:07:57,143 --> 00:07:59,896 I went into the app in that state of mind 142 00:07:59,979 --> 00:08:01,397 in that condition, 143 00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:04,734 and I wrote to Uber to save this man and his children. 144 00:08:07,612 --> 00:08:09,322 I forgot about it. I found it in my phone. 145 00:08:09,405 --> 00:08:12,909 Four months later, I have the letter on me right now. 146 00:08:18,414 --> 00:08:19,582 I'm gonna read this to you guys. 147 00:08:19,665 --> 00:08:21,918 I need you to keep a few things in mind, okay? 148 00:08:22,001 --> 00:08:26,088 This is a combination of 600 minutes of energy, 149 00:08:27,924 --> 00:08:30,927 Tito's handmade vodka, 150 00:08:30,968 --> 00:08:32,470 and autocorrect. 151 00:08:33,596 --> 00:08:36,265 Autocorrect does some of the heavy lifting here. 152 00:08:36,307 --> 00:08:37,266 It starts off like this, 153 00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:40,269 "To oves, it may concern." 154 00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:41,270 Next sentence. 155 00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:42,897 EVERYTHING'S GOING GREAT!!!!! 156 00:08:42,939 --> 00:08:44,524 All caps coming in hot, 157 00:08:46,150 --> 00:08:47,610 coming in hot on that second sentence. 158 00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:50,196 All caps, five exclamations. 159 00:08:52,031 --> 00:08:53,783 Why am I pissed off? 160 00:08:53,866 --> 00:08:56,786 All of a sudden, what happened between the first 161 00:08:56,869 --> 00:08:58,204 and second sentence? 162 00:08:59,497 --> 00:09:01,916 It's not like someone at Uber was like, you know, sir, 163 00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:03,125 I'm sorry, it's too late. 164 00:09:03,167 --> 00:09:04,377 We just got word. His daughters are 165 00:09:04,460 --> 00:09:06,379 all selling their bodies. 166 00:09:10,132 --> 00:09:13,052 Also. It's 4:15 AM 167 00:09:14,470 --> 00:09:17,306 and I'm trying to reach a human up at the Uber office. 168 00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:21,644 So it is not going great. 169 00:09:21,686 --> 00:09:22,979 Croutons. 170 00:09:23,062 --> 00:09:25,940 That's the next sentence. That's the subject. 171 00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:29,735 The verb and the predicate. Croutons fucking period. 172 00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:34,407 Croutons is what I told them. 173 00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:39,203 I said, croutons, croutons. 174 00:09:41,038 --> 00:09:43,666 I have a major emergency here. 175 00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:48,170 This guy's kid's teeth hang in the balance. 176 00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:52,592 I told them, croutons, call the meeting, figure it out. 177 00:09:54,719 --> 00:09:56,012 I thought about croutons. I thought about 178 00:09:56,095 --> 00:09:57,305 that sentence for a while too. 179 00:09:57,346 --> 00:09:59,348 Because, because, because, because what? 180 00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:01,517 Auto corrects to croutons. 181 00:10:02,935 --> 00:10:05,605 What the hell was I trying to say? 182 00:10:05,688 --> 00:10:07,857 That the iPhone 11S was like, no, no, no. Trust us. 183 00:10:07,940 --> 00:10:12,361 He means crotons. That's what the boy means. Yes. 184 00:10:12,403 --> 00:10:14,864 We here at Apple, believe the boy meant the cubes of bread. 185 00:10:14,947 --> 00:10:16,949 You put in your salads and your soups. 186 00:10:21,871 --> 00:10:23,956 That's the end of the letter to Uber. 187 00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:35,468 If you're paying attention. I didn't even mention a star. 188 00:10:36,969 --> 00:10:41,307 This guy, this guy has 13 kids running around the city 189 00:10:41,390 --> 00:10:43,643 that can never smile with confidence. 190 00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:48,731 To oves it making concern. 191 00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:52,068 EVERYTHING'S GOING GREAT!!!!! Croutons. 192 00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:55,571 Tell your children. I said, you're welcome. 193 00:10:59,116 --> 00:11:01,827 What did I even do there? That's not adult behavior. 194 00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:03,663 I log onto Uber corporate at 4:15 in the morning, 195 00:11:03,746 --> 00:11:04,914 told them my life, 196 00:11:04,955 --> 00:11:06,749 fantastic. I need one salad ingredient 197 00:11:06,791 --> 00:11:08,918 and I peaced the fuck out. 198 00:11:10,127 --> 00:11:11,921 Never to be heard from again. 199 00:11:12,004 --> 00:11:13,923 Because I told you I found out on my phone four months 200 00:11:14,006 --> 00:11:15,257 later I was mortified. 201 00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:17,134 Switch to Lyft. Been using Lyft ever since. 202 00:11:19,303 --> 00:11:20,680 In my head, that is printed out 203 00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:22,640 and it's taped to the wall in the Uber office. 204 00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:28,020 It must be, I feel like they use it for training purposes. 205 00:11:29,021 --> 00:11:30,564 Hey, how you doing? Welcome to Uber. 206 00:11:30,606 --> 00:11:33,693 Two weeks paid vacation break room's over there. Come here. 207 00:11:33,776 --> 00:11:37,947 Tell us what the fuck you think it means by croutons. 208 00:11:37,988 --> 00:11:40,116 There's a large office prize. 209 00:11:45,955 --> 00:11:48,958 No, you laugh, but I could've. I could've. 210 00:11:49,041 --> 00:11:51,335 I could've helped those wonky tooth little bastards. 211 00:11:53,212 --> 00:11:55,464 I failed. I live with that. I feel bad about it. 212 00:11:55,506 --> 00:11:58,300 'cause you, you have to, when you're in a situation 213 00:11:58,342 --> 00:12:00,428 where you could help children, you do it. 214 00:12:00,469 --> 00:12:01,721 Everyone knows that. 215 00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:11,981 That's a weird time to laugh. Weird. It's weird. 216 00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:13,816 I feel like, do you want to just like, 217 00:12:13,899 --> 00:12:14,483 we'll close our eyes. 218 00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:15,484 You, you leave. 219 00:12:16,235 --> 00:12:19,238 So we don't see you. So we don't report you. 220 00:12:24,326 --> 00:12:26,662 Couple weeks ago, my young niece, she didn't feel well 221 00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:30,332 and my sister took her temperature with a laser gun. 222 00:12:31,709 --> 00:12:33,961 Beep. You seen that laser gun? Beep. Yeah. You seen that? 223 00:12:34,003 --> 00:12:34,920 Yeah. 224 00:12:36,088 --> 00:12:37,465 Where was that technology 225 00:12:37,506 --> 00:12:38,424 in the seventies? 226 00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:41,802 There was a planet full of children 227 00:12:41,844 --> 00:12:45,848 that could have used that technology 228 00:12:45,931 --> 00:12:47,016 in the seventies. 229 00:12:47,099 --> 00:12:49,185 And I see young people in the audience, 230 00:12:49,268 --> 00:12:52,563 and I don't even know if you know what I'm talking about. 231 00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:56,275 I don't know if you know what we went through, 232 00:12:57,234 --> 00:12:58,694 but when you sneezed 233 00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,196 or when you had the sniffles when I was little, you had 234 00:13:00,279 --> 00:13:02,281 to get up your ass very quickly. 235 00:13:03,532 --> 00:13:05,701 Nobody talks about that. 236 00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:10,498 I feel like it didn't need to happen. No one talks about it. 237 00:13:10,539 --> 00:13:12,374 Let's talk about it now. 238 00:13:14,126 --> 00:13:16,879 I don't know why the common cold in the seventies was 239 00:13:16,962 --> 00:13:18,756 so closely related to sodomy. 240 00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:23,886 I don't know why my word to my mother 241 00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:26,472 that I didn't feel well wasn't good enough for her. 242 00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:29,725 Like I said, when you sneeze in 1978, 243 00:13:29,767 --> 00:13:31,477 it got real weird, real fast. 244 00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:35,815 I used to sneeze in the closet 245 00:13:37,983 --> 00:13:41,070 for fear of retaliation. 246 00:13:42,738 --> 00:13:44,573 Seriously. I was like, you are never getting me. 247 00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:45,908 I will eat an apple every day 248 00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:48,244 and I will sneeze amongst these coats. 249 00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:52,081 For the younger people, 250 00:13:52,164 --> 00:13:53,666 this is how we go down when I was younger. 251 00:13:53,749 --> 00:13:55,334 My mom would feel my forehead and be like, he feels hot. 252 00:13:55,417 --> 00:13:58,170 And then my dad would be like, yeah, but how hot? 253 00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:03,092 Hear me out. Why don't we stick this glass rod up 254 00:14:03,133 --> 00:14:04,593 his asshole? 255 00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:09,098 Really get to the bottom of it. 256 00:14:15,271 --> 00:14:18,190 At that point, you are doing more damage 257 00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:20,359 than the cold. 258 00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:24,864 Common cold goes away, two, three days, 259 00:14:24,947 --> 00:14:27,157 force penetration sticks around. 260 00:14:36,625 --> 00:14:38,294 I feel like we needed one 261 00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:39,795 reasonable adult in the seventies 262 00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:41,964 that could have changed the course of history for us. 263 00:14:42,047 --> 00:14:43,799 Just one to be like, you know what? I felt his forehead. 264 00:14:43,841 --> 00:14:46,468 He feels warm. Good enough for me. 265 00:14:47,803 --> 00:14:50,389 I swear to you, I felt like I had a gaggle of adults 266 00:14:50,472 --> 00:14:51,765 around me at all times. 267 00:14:51,807 --> 00:14:55,060 Like, you need to penetrate this sick boy now. 268 00:14:55,144 --> 00:14:59,315 Or we'll never know if he needs a cough drop. 269 00:14:59,398 --> 00:15:02,943 Now bend the boy over, stick the mercury up his hole 270 00:15:02,985 --> 00:15:04,320 against his will. 271 00:15:04,361 --> 00:15:07,656 Or how will we know if he needs plenty of liquids? 272 00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:14,663 I know some of you are saying, what about under the tongue? 273 00:15:14,705 --> 00:15:16,999 No, I was one of four. Okay? 274 00:15:17,082 --> 00:15:19,585 I don't know who was reamed prior. 275 00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:23,172 You start with hole. 276 00:15:23,213 --> 00:15:27,760 You stick with hole under the tongue is no longer an option. 277 00:15:31,013 --> 00:15:33,349 It's a glorious time for temperatures. 278 00:15:33,432 --> 00:15:37,144 So soak it up, really soak it up 279 00:15:37,186 --> 00:15:39,772 because one day my children are not gonna know 280 00:15:39,855 --> 00:15:40,606 what I went through 281 00:15:40,689 --> 00:15:41,523 and I thought about it 282 00:15:41,607 --> 00:15:43,692 and I do not think that is fair. 283 00:15:45,027 --> 00:15:47,029 So I will split the difference. 284 00:15:48,364 --> 00:15:51,033 I will take their temperature using the laser gun, 285 00:15:51,116 --> 00:15:52,952 but I will shove that 286 00:15:53,035 --> 00:15:55,120 up their fucking ass. 287 00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:05,547 And by the way, lasers existed in the seventies. 288 00:16:05,589 --> 00:16:08,550 The technology was there. It didn't have to happen. 289 00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:11,053 I realized that 40 years too late. 290 00:16:11,095 --> 00:16:12,304 As I got older, I realized 291 00:16:12,388 --> 00:16:14,056 so many things like that after the fact. 292 00:16:14,098 --> 00:16:16,517 I, I used to live with my older grandparents as a kid. 293 00:16:16,558 --> 00:16:19,520 And the main thing that I took away from living 294 00:16:19,561 --> 00:16:22,147 with old people all those years as a child is 295 00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:24,024 that I always thought that when I got older, 296 00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:26,443 moths would be a much bigger issue. 297 00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:30,489 My grandparents battled moths, 298 00:16:30,572 --> 00:16:32,658 like their pensions were riding on it. 299 00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:36,578 Excuse me. There were so many moth balls 300 00:16:36,662 --> 00:16:38,706 piled in my grandfather's closet that I thought 301 00:16:38,747 --> 00:16:42,835 that when I got older, moths might be a legitimate hurdle 302 00:16:42,918 --> 00:16:45,504 that I was supposed to overcome in my life. 303 00:16:45,587 --> 00:16:48,674 At some point I thought they were to be feared. 304 00:16:48,757 --> 00:16:52,428 I, I prepared for moths, like a doomsday prepper. Okay? 305 00:16:53,429 --> 00:16:54,263 If you would've asked me back then, 306 00:16:54,346 --> 00:16:55,431 what do you want outta life Sal? 307 00:16:55,514 --> 00:16:56,724 I would've been like, what do I want? 308 00:16:56,765 --> 00:16:58,434 The same thing that you want. Go to school, 309 00:16:58,475 --> 00:16:59,768 get a good education, graduate, 310 00:16:59,810 --> 00:17:01,061 go to college, graduate from there. 311 00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:02,563 Get a good job, with a good salary, find a gal, 312 00:17:02,604 --> 00:17:04,064 settle down, have a couple kids. 313 00:17:04,106 --> 00:17:06,650 Everybody's healthy. Don't get overtaken by the moths. 314 00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:16,785 How much of a problem were moths 315 00:17:18,203 --> 00:17:21,623 That balls 316 00:17:21,707 --> 00:17:24,293 needed to be invented? 317 00:17:25,627 --> 00:17:28,213 What was going on 318 00:17:29,339 --> 00:17:30,841 before the balls? 319 00:17:32,384 --> 00:17:34,803 Mayhem, people roaming the streets, 320 00:17:34,845 --> 00:17:36,305 glazed look on their face, tattered cold 321 00:17:36,346 --> 00:17:38,307 and like, don't go in there. 322 00:17:39,308 --> 00:17:40,934 It's a proper shit show 323 00:17:40,976 --> 00:17:43,812 and we don't yet have a solution. 324 00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:52,321 Hey dude, I know you hate moths. Don't worry. 325 00:17:52,404 --> 00:17:54,073 I invented balls. 326 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:56,408 Cool, bro, those killed moths? 327 00:17:56,492 --> 00:17:57,493 No you just throw 'em in your closet. 328 00:17:57,576 --> 00:17:58,494 Your closet smells like piss 329 00:17:58,577 --> 00:18:00,162 and you don't go in it anymore. 330 00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:04,083 What even do they do? They don't kill moths. 331 00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:06,835 They just smell like urinal cakes. 332 00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:09,463 What kind of business model is that? 333 00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:11,298 Honestly, at the end of the day, what's worse? 334 00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:13,092 Someone would be like, oh my god, Sal, 335 00:18:13,175 --> 00:18:16,428 you have a little hole in in your lapel. 336 00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:17,679 Well, let's make a run for it. 337 00:18:17,763 --> 00:18:19,765 Here comes the human golden shower. 338 00:18:22,017 --> 00:18:25,604 Just walk around, smelling like piss, gimme the holes. 339 00:18:30,442 --> 00:18:32,528 It also blows my mind that a moths food 340 00:18:32,611 --> 00:18:35,197 of choice is a shirt. 341 00:18:36,406 --> 00:18:40,536 Did you ever think about this? They ate clothes. 342 00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:43,872 And here's where it gets tricky for me. 343 00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:47,376 Moths were around before clothes. 344 00:18:49,211 --> 00:18:52,381 So what did they eat then? 345 00:18:52,422 --> 00:18:54,883 And how God awful was it that they were like, 346 00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:56,969 give me slacks. 347 00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:02,391 I know nothing of moths. 348 00:19:02,432 --> 00:19:04,726 But there was one moth to be like, yo, bro, 349 00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:06,728 I know you're chopping on that larvae that you love, 350 00:19:06,770 --> 00:19:07,980 but when you're done, gimme a shot. 351 00:19:08,063 --> 00:19:10,232 I got something's gonna blow your balls off. 352 00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:12,985 It's called a polo. 353 00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:23,745 I feared thermometers. I feared moths. Thunder. 354 00:19:23,787 --> 00:19:25,372 Thunder debilitated me as a kid. 355 00:19:25,414 --> 00:19:27,207 Okay, my mama, we had a bad storm. 356 00:19:27,249 --> 00:19:30,002 My mom used to have to talk me down from the thunder 357 00:19:30,085 --> 00:19:33,255 and she used to say, honey, don't worry about the thunder. 358 00:19:33,297 --> 00:19:35,924 That's just God 359 00:19:37,593 --> 00:19:38,802 bowling. 360 00:19:40,596 --> 00:19:42,347 You've heard that? Yeah, you've heard that. 361 00:19:42,431 --> 00:19:45,767 Why are you applauding that? Why would you applaud that? 362 00:19:45,809 --> 00:19:48,937 That's a sack of shit lie right there. 363 00:19:48,979 --> 00:19:50,856 Why do we do that to children? Don't lie to me. 364 00:19:50,939 --> 00:19:54,526 Tell me the truth about thunder. The truth isn't bad. 365 00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:56,612 There's no need for a coverup. 366 00:19:58,447 --> 00:20:00,616 Just it's a cold front meets warm front. Boom, boom. 367 00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:02,367 You got some thunder there. 368 00:20:02,451 --> 00:20:05,621 You tell me, you fill my head up with fables. 369 00:20:05,662 --> 00:20:06,955 You fill my head up with fables, 370 00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:08,707 you tell me it's God bowling. 371 00:20:08,790 --> 00:20:10,792 I took that information to school. 372 00:20:10,876 --> 00:20:13,629 I got my ass handed to me. 373 00:20:15,547 --> 00:20:16,965 I walked into school that day like a 374 00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:18,217 confident meteorologist. 375 00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:19,635 So I was like, you guys are scared of this. 376 00:20:19,718 --> 00:20:22,304 That's just God and his good time Pals. 377 00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,478 Tanya, calm down. 378 00:20:29,561 --> 00:20:33,065 That's just Jesus engaging in light recreation. 379 00:20:38,487 --> 00:20:40,489 You should be less concerned about the thunder 380 00:20:40,572 --> 00:20:43,075 and more concerned that he's up there taking a load off 381 00:20:43,158 --> 00:20:45,327 while you have Crohn's. 382 00:20:53,502 --> 00:20:55,337 I am gonna shoot my kids straight. 383 00:20:55,420 --> 00:20:56,838 It's the only way to go. 384 00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:58,340 I think it's a terrible thing to do, to lie to them. 385 00:20:58,382 --> 00:20:59,675 Imagine explaining thunder 386 00:20:59,758 --> 00:21:01,635 to children in less fortunate areas 387 00:21:01,677 --> 00:21:03,011 or countries even like that. 388 00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:04,596 Like a third world country. 389 00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:06,306 That would be insane like a honey. 390 00:21:06,348 --> 00:21:08,850 I know you're scared right now. We're all scared. 391 00:21:08,934 --> 00:21:12,187 This is the likes of a storm we have never seen 392 00:21:13,105 --> 00:21:17,025 and we are low on food and rations 393 00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:18,360 and medicines 394 00:21:18,443 --> 00:21:21,863 and the village is washing away 395 00:21:21,947 --> 00:21:24,283 And we haven't seen your sister 396 00:21:25,784 --> 00:21:28,287 in quite some time. 397 00:21:29,371 --> 00:21:34,459 But don't worry, that's just God 398 00:21:35,627 --> 00:21:38,213 fucking bowling. 399 00:21:49,474 --> 00:21:51,018 Don't you dare trouble him with prayer right now. 400 00:21:51,059 --> 00:21:53,478 He's a thunderbolt away from a Turkey. 401 00:21:56,982 --> 00:21:59,318 What is bowling? 402 00:21:59,401 --> 00:22:02,321 Honey, bowling is the thing that the rich countries do 403 00:22:03,572 --> 00:22:06,199 where people wear shoes made of the hides of animals 404 00:22:06,241 --> 00:22:07,492 and they stand on polished wood 405 00:22:07,576 --> 00:22:09,244 and they throw a marble sphere down an alley, 406 00:22:09,286 --> 00:22:12,247 knock down ivory pins only to pick 'em right back up. 407 00:22:13,582 --> 00:22:15,876 It doesn't sound real right? I know it is real, honey. 408 00:22:15,917 --> 00:22:18,128 God is what's not real. 409 00:22:22,341 --> 00:22:24,760 Oh, I knew that would split the audience. 410 00:22:30,515 --> 00:22:32,601 However, however, the joke is on you. 411 00:22:32,684 --> 00:22:33,935 I am religious. 412 00:22:33,977 --> 00:22:36,897 I say that to see where the pagans are. 413 00:22:36,938 --> 00:22:40,150 I see you and I see you and I saw you. So now I know. 414 00:22:41,610 --> 00:22:43,111 No, I I was raised Catholic. 415 00:22:43,153 --> 00:22:47,240 I went to Catholic school from kindergarten 416 00:22:47,282 --> 00:22:50,786 to senior year of college. 417 00:22:50,827 --> 00:22:52,996 Yes. So I don't believe 418 00:23:00,462 --> 00:23:01,713 it's not anything profound. 419 00:23:01,797 --> 00:23:02,756 It's just that if you believe in heaven, 420 00:23:02,798 --> 00:23:04,132 you have to believe in hell. 421 00:23:04,216 --> 00:23:06,259 That's the yin yang. That's the rule they set up. 422 00:23:06,301 --> 00:23:07,761 I don't want to believe in hell. 423 00:23:07,803 --> 00:23:10,472 So I choose not to subscribe. 424 00:23:13,975 --> 00:23:15,644 God bowling. 425 00:23:15,727 --> 00:23:18,063 We will say anything to kids. 426 00:23:18,146 --> 00:23:19,231 We don't even care if it 427 00:23:19,314 --> 00:23:20,899 sounds believable in the least. 428 00:23:22,150 --> 00:23:24,986 The tooth fairy, 429 00:23:25,070 --> 00:23:26,238 the whole concept 430 00:23:26,321 --> 00:23:29,616 of the tooth fairy is cuckoo bananas. 431 00:23:29,658 --> 00:23:31,576 It sounds like an acid trip. 432 00:23:34,746 --> 00:23:36,164 Do you know when I, the 433 00:23:36,248 --> 00:23:40,794 the tooth fairy was a nightmare situation for me. 434 00:23:40,836 --> 00:23:43,588 I found out about the tooth theory the day I lost 435 00:23:43,672 --> 00:23:45,340 my first tooth. 436 00:23:45,382 --> 00:23:47,968 Not a year, not a month. They forgot to tell me. 437 00:23:48,009 --> 00:23:50,679 I found out the day I lost it. 438 00:23:51,596 --> 00:23:53,515 I'm six. 439 00:23:53,598 --> 00:23:57,686 I have to process this information by nightfall. 440 00:24:00,397 --> 00:24:01,481 I couldn't believe what I was hearing. 441 00:24:01,523 --> 00:24:02,774 I was like, dad, let's just get, 442 00:24:02,858 --> 00:24:04,526 let's just get the title out of the way. 443 00:24:04,568 --> 00:24:08,238 A woman is going to access the home this evening 444 00:24:09,865 --> 00:24:14,411 despite the locks to take a piece of my mouth 445 00:24:15,454 --> 00:24:18,081 and you are signing off? 446 00:24:19,207 --> 00:24:21,460 Midddle of the night some no name hussy 447 00:24:22,961 --> 00:24:25,172 is gonna sorter in here while I'm eyeballs 448 00:24:25,213 --> 00:24:27,299 deep in a REM cycle. 449 00:24:31,970 --> 00:24:35,390 No name by the way, no name. 450 00:24:35,474 --> 00:24:38,226 That's not a red flag. 451 00:24:38,268 --> 00:24:40,812 She only goes by her job title. 452 00:24:45,901 --> 00:24:47,819 If I had someone walk up to me, me like, Hey, I'm Stan, 453 00:24:47,903 --> 00:24:50,238 this is my wife, regional manager, 454 00:24:52,073 --> 00:24:55,076 I'd be suspect to Stan and Reig right away. 455 00:24:57,245 --> 00:24:59,581 I said, dad, why don't we put it in the mailbox 456 00:24:59,664 --> 00:25:00,749 clean transaction. 457 00:25:00,832 --> 00:25:02,417 Everybody wins. 458 00:25:02,501 --> 00:25:03,752 He says, 459 00:25:03,835 --> 00:25:04,336 she only flies here if it's under the pillow. 460 00:25:04,419 --> 00:25:05,253 I said, 461 00:25:06,087 --> 00:25:07,672 "She has wings?" 462 00:25:09,424 --> 00:25:11,218 I need to call Jason. 463 00:25:11,259 --> 00:25:13,011 Jason was my best friend at the time. 464 00:25:13,094 --> 00:25:15,263 I wanted to call him to warn him. 465 00:25:17,641 --> 00:25:18,850 What would I even say? 466 00:25:18,934 --> 00:25:22,437 Jason, listen, there's not a lot of time 467 00:25:22,521 --> 00:25:23,605 a no name floozy 468 00:25:23,647 --> 00:25:24,773 is coming for your teeth tonight. 469 00:25:24,814 --> 00:25:26,983 And the deadbolt don't mean shit. 470 00:25:32,531 --> 00:25:35,659 I said, dad, we don't know this woman. 471 00:25:36,535 --> 00:25:37,786 What if she's having a bad day? 472 00:25:37,827 --> 00:25:39,788 She comes in here and she starts taking 473 00:25:39,829 --> 00:25:41,289 other body parts? 474 00:25:43,166 --> 00:25:45,544 Like, what if she got up on the wrong side of her cocoon? 475 00:25:46,503 --> 00:25:47,629 And she comes in and she's just 476 00:25:47,712 --> 00:25:49,589 like, she takes my knee caps. 477 00:25:49,631 --> 00:25:53,343 Now I have no caps. Dad, now I have no caps. 478 00:25:55,053 --> 00:25:58,223 Are they baby caps? Will I get these caps back Dad? 479 00:25:58,306 --> 00:26:00,308 How much will I get for these caps Dad? 480 00:26:00,392 --> 00:26:03,728 I had extensive questions about the caps. 481 00:26:07,232 --> 00:26:11,570 He said, she'll give you a dollar. I said, A dollar. 482 00:26:12,696 --> 00:26:15,198 Why didn't you lead with that? 483 00:26:17,075 --> 00:26:19,160 I was six, it was 1982. 484 00:26:19,244 --> 00:26:19,995 A dollar? 485 00:26:20,078 --> 00:26:22,163 I felt like Mark Cuban. 486 00:26:22,998 --> 00:26:23,999 I was like, I'm gonna buy a 487 00:26:24,082 --> 00:26:25,750 little league team with this money. 488 00:26:27,836 --> 00:26:29,754 I would've walked into the playground like, all 489 00:26:29,838 --> 00:26:32,841 you motherfuckers is getting gum today. 490 00:26:40,098 --> 00:26:42,017 I said, you know, let's try to go to sleep. 491 00:26:42,100 --> 00:26:44,519 Alright, a dollar. So that was a motivation. 492 00:26:44,603 --> 00:26:46,521 So I went to sleep, fell asleep eventually, 493 00:26:46,563 --> 00:26:48,690 and I woke up sometime in the middle of the night 494 00:26:48,773 --> 00:26:51,610 and when I woke up, I was frozen, okay? 495 00:26:51,693 --> 00:26:56,197 And I started to inch my hand up, my body slowly 496 00:26:57,032 --> 00:26:58,366 as to not make a big fuss 497 00:26:58,450 --> 00:27:03,455 because I don't know what this woman is capable of. 498 00:27:04,623 --> 00:27:07,709 And I reached around my neck and I felt paper 499 00:27:07,792 --> 00:27:10,378 and I pulled it out and it was a dollar. 500 00:27:10,462 --> 00:27:13,965 And you would think, from what I told you that I was happy. 501 00:27:14,758 --> 00:27:19,054 I felt extremely violated. 502 00:27:19,888 --> 00:27:20,722 I immediately went, 503 00:27:20,805 --> 00:27:23,475 "Help she's in the house!" 504 00:27:24,893 --> 00:27:27,562 I heard my dad's footstep. I was like, you ready? 505 00:27:27,604 --> 00:27:29,856 He is like, what's the matter? I go, she's in the house. 506 00:27:29,898 --> 00:27:32,651 She may still be in this house. 507 00:27:38,156 --> 00:27:39,783 I said, get my tooth back. 508 00:27:42,827 --> 00:27:44,871 He couldn't calm me down. Hysterics. 509 00:27:44,913 --> 00:27:47,248 He had to take me out of my bed at two in the morning. 510 00:27:47,290 --> 00:27:48,750 He walked me down the hall to the kitchen 511 00:27:48,833 --> 00:27:50,251 and he showed me right on the kitchen 512 00:27:50,335 --> 00:27:51,503 counter was an envelope. 513 00:27:51,586 --> 00:27:53,838 He opened it and my tooth was in it. 514 00:27:54,839 --> 00:27:57,258 I believed in the tooth fairy 515 00:27:57,300 --> 00:27:59,344 for four hours. 516 00:28:03,682 --> 00:28:05,058 He still couldn't calm me down. 517 00:28:05,100 --> 00:28:07,102 And I'm like, no, I'm just crying. I'm flailing. 518 00:28:07,185 --> 00:28:08,770 He's like, look at me. Stop. 519 00:28:08,853 --> 00:28:11,856 He's like, Sal, I just showed you the tooth. You're okay. 520 00:28:11,940 --> 00:28:14,442 I I did that. I'm the tooth fairy. That's your tooth. 521 00:28:14,526 --> 00:28:16,611 You don't have to worry. 522 00:28:18,530 --> 00:28:20,448 You gotta understand something though. 523 00:28:20,532 --> 00:28:22,701 I was six years old, 524 00:28:22,784 --> 00:28:25,036 it was 2:00 AM, 525 00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:28,039 and I was dealing with a lot of trauma. 526 00:28:29,624 --> 00:28:33,211 And I received that information, not as, 527 00:28:33,294 --> 00:28:36,297 there is no such thing as the tooth fairy. 528 00:28:36,381 --> 00:28:39,426 I thought that he was telling me 529 00:28:39,467 --> 00:28:40,969 that my father 530 00:28:43,138 --> 00:28:45,056 was the fairy 531 00:28:53,523 --> 00:28:57,402 I went, who do I call you now? 532 00:28:59,487 --> 00:29:00,655 That's how confused I was. 533 00:29:00,739 --> 00:29:02,323 I forgot about the fairy for a second. 534 00:29:02,407 --> 00:29:03,825 And my main concern was, well, 535 00:29:03,867 --> 00:29:07,036 how shall I address this man going forward? 536 00:29:08,830 --> 00:29:10,165 Everyone thinks they're so progressive. 537 00:29:10,206 --> 00:29:13,334 I was having the pronoun conversation 40 years ago. 538 00:29:13,376 --> 00:29:14,878 Thank you very much. 539 00:29:20,675 --> 00:29:22,927 I know now he's not the fairy. 540 00:29:23,678 --> 00:29:25,680 He's one of her helpers. 541 00:29:29,267 --> 00:29:30,852 Everything rattled me as a kid. Okay? 542 00:29:30,935 --> 00:29:32,520 I was born in 1976 543 00:29:32,604 --> 00:29:36,858 and for most, most of 1987, I was 544 00:29:36,941 --> 00:29:40,945 terrified that the rhythm was gonna get me. 545 00:29:43,740 --> 00:29:45,200 You could talk amongst yourselves. 546 00:29:45,241 --> 00:29:47,327 I, you could explain it. 547 00:29:47,368 --> 00:29:49,871 I'll wait, I'll wait for you guys to just to. 548 00:29:51,706 --> 00:29:52,957 If you don't know what I'm talking about, 549 00:29:53,041 --> 00:29:56,044 there was a smash hit song in 1987 called 550 00:29:56,127 --> 00:29:58,046 The Rhythm is Gonna Get You. 551 00:29:59,422 --> 00:30:04,052 It was by Gloria, Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine. 552 00:30:04,886 --> 00:30:06,513 It's a very aggressive song. 553 00:30:06,554 --> 00:30:08,181 And my sister used to have the cassette tape 554 00:30:08,223 --> 00:30:10,725 and she used to play it over and over and over. 555 00:30:10,809 --> 00:30:13,061 If you know the song, if you don't know it, 556 00:30:13,102 --> 00:30:15,063 if you haven't heard it, listen to it. 557 00:30:15,104 --> 00:30:17,065 Do me a favor as soon as you leave here tonight. 558 00:30:17,148 --> 00:30:18,983 And I want you to listen to the lyrics 559 00:30:20,151 --> 00:30:24,739 because the lyrics are horrifying for a child. 560 00:30:25,573 --> 00:30:27,325 This is how the song goes, 561 00:30:27,408 --> 00:30:28,910 At night, 562 00:30:29,786 --> 00:30:30,995 already scary. 563 00:30:32,997 --> 00:30:37,043 When you turn off all the lights, 564 00:30:37,085 --> 00:30:40,421 there's no place that you can hide. 565 00:30:40,463 --> 00:30:44,759 Ha ha ha. The rhythm is gonna get you. 566 00:30:44,843 --> 00:30:46,553 The first time I heard that, I was like, "yeah, 567 00:30:46,594 --> 00:30:49,264 what the fuck did she just say?" 568 00:30:56,980 --> 00:30:58,606 I'm not prepared 569 00:31:01,192 --> 00:31:02,110 In bed. 570 00:31:03,319 --> 00:31:06,906 Throw the covers on your head 571 00:31:06,948 --> 00:31:10,785 and pretend like you are dead. 572 00:31:11,786 --> 00:31:14,455 Fucking rhythm's gonna get you. 573 00:31:20,712 --> 00:31:23,298 I don't know if she said fucking, 574 00:31:23,381 --> 00:31:24,966 she may as well have Chicago. 575 00:31:25,049 --> 00:31:29,304 I felt fucking. 576 00:31:29,387 --> 00:31:33,892 No clue of what's happening to you. 577 00:31:35,143 --> 00:31:40,148 But before this night is through, Ooh baby, 578 00:31:40,982 --> 00:31:43,151 the rhythm is gonna get you. 579 00:31:50,491 --> 00:31:51,326 Thank you. 580 00:31:56,164 --> 00:32:00,585 And then the song continues as if to taunt the child. 581 00:32:00,668 --> 00:32:02,337 Rhythm is going get you. 582 00:32:02,420 --> 00:32:06,215 Rhythm is going get you rhythm is gonna get you. 583 00:32:07,842 --> 00:32:09,677 The rhythm is gonna get you. 584 00:32:09,719 --> 00:32:11,971 I'm like, when is this happening? 585 00:32:12,013 --> 00:32:13,598 The song's like Tonight, 586 00:32:13,681 --> 00:32:17,352 I'm like, yo, tonight, 587 00:32:17,435 --> 00:32:21,439 like in a little while, sundown. 588 00:32:24,609 --> 00:32:26,027 Is the rhythm here? 589 00:32:32,367 --> 00:32:34,202 Two biggest things I was afraid of in 1987, 590 00:32:34,285 --> 00:32:36,537 Freddie Krueger and the Rhythm. 591 00:32:38,706 --> 00:32:40,541 Freddie Krueger is a murdering child. 592 00:32:40,625 --> 00:32:43,878 molestor, burnt head to toe to a crisp. 593 00:32:43,962 --> 00:32:45,380 He has knives for fings. 594 00:32:45,463 --> 00:32:46,547 He comes back in your dreams 595 00:32:46,631 --> 00:32:47,840 to kill you and your loved ones. 596 00:32:47,882 --> 00:32:49,884 You can't escape him. I was afraid of that man, 597 00:32:49,968 --> 00:32:51,719 and the rhythm. 598 00:32:57,058 --> 00:32:58,226 I used to, I used 599 00:32:58,309 --> 00:32:59,644 to kiss my mom goodnight when I was little, 600 00:32:59,727 --> 00:33:03,398 and for like six months in 1987, I'd be like, 601 00:33:03,439 --> 00:33:05,566 mom, I love you. 602 00:33:05,650 --> 00:33:08,403 I I hope you sleep well. 603 00:33:08,486 --> 00:33:13,574 Also though, might tonight be the night 604 00:33:14,117 --> 00:33:15,326 that the rhythm 605 00:33:18,496 --> 00:33:21,416 gets into the house, 606 00:33:21,499 --> 00:33:23,668 and gets me specifically. 607 00:33:23,751 --> 00:33:26,337 I didn't give a shit about my sister. Fuck that bitch. 608 00:33:28,506 --> 00:33:31,050 She wants to play the tape over and over 609 00:33:31,092 --> 00:33:33,344 and summon the rhythm to our home. 610 00:33:36,431 --> 00:33:37,932 I was like, rhythm, do me a favor. 611 00:33:37,974 --> 00:33:39,475 You come to our house, go down the hall, make a hard write. 612 00:33:40,643 --> 00:33:42,061 She's a toothless brunette 613 00:33:42,103 --> 00:33:43,438 underneath the hello Kitty sheets with a death twist. 614 00:33:43,479 --> 00:33:45,481 I want no part of this. 615 00:33:46,858 --> 00:33:48,693 And again, mom, you have to talk me down for a minute. 616 00:33:48,776 --> 00:33:50,611 And she said, tell me honey, don't worry about the rhythm. 617 00:33:50,695 --> 00:33:54,365 It's not coming for you. It's coming for all of us. 618 00:33:58,995 --> 00:34:01,748 She doesn't do things the right way. No, no. 619 00:34:01,789 --> 00:34:03,124 She was like, honey, don't worry about the rhythm. 620 00:34:03,207 --> 00:34:04,417 It's a, it's a phrase. 621 00:34:04,459 --> 00:34:05,877 And when you get older, you will understand, 622 00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:09,505 but I promise you, you are in no immediate danger. 623 00:34:10,882 --> 00:34:12,884 And that's all I needed. I trusted my mom. That was fine. 624 00:34:12,967 --> 00:34:14,802 Put that to bed for me until the day 625 00:34:14,886 --> 00:34:17,805 that this woman used the rhythm against me. 626 00:34:19,057 --> 00:34:20,641 Me and my sister were fighting one day my mom was like, 627 00:34:20,725 --> 00:34:21,976 guys, cut it out guys. 628 00:34:22,018 --> 00:34:23,227 I'm not gonna say it again. 629 00:34:23,311 --> 00:34:25,938 And then she just went, alright, that's it. 630 00:34:25,980 --> 00:34:27,482 And she turned in one motion 631 00:34:27,565 --> 00:34:28,983 and swiped the phone off the wall. 632 00:34:29,067 --> 00:34:33,571 And she went, hello? The rhythm's on the phone. 633 00:34:34,906 --> 00:34:36,657 Maybe don't laugh at that. That's terrorism. 634 00:34:36,699 --> 00:34:37,867 You know, 635 00:34:38,701 --> 00:34:41,037 that's straight up domestic t. 636 00:34:45,416 --> 00:34:47,418 I was a smart ass when I was little. 637 00:34:47,502 --> 00:34:50,338 And I was like, how is the rhythm on the phone? 638 00:34:51,839 --> 00:34:53,591 The phone didn't ring. 639 00:34:56,844 --> 00:34:58,846 A couple of months later we were fighting 640 00:34:58,930 --> 00:35:00,681 again and we were getting into it. 641 00:35:00,765 --> 00:35:02,517 And my mom was like, guys cut it out. 642 00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:05,770 And she said, guys, don't make me say it again. 643 00:35:05,853 --> 00:35:09,065 And then she went, okay, fine. 644 00:35:10,399 --> 00:35:12,276 Which I think is even scarier. 645 00:35:13,111 --> 00:35:14,195 She walked to the wall like 646 00:35:14,278 --> 00:35:16,155 she had all the time in the world, 647 00:35:16,197 --> 00:35:20,660 and she just picked up the phone and she looked at me 648 00:35:20,701 --> 00:35:24,205 and she dialed numbers and she waited 649 00:35:24,247 --> 00:35:25,123 and she went, 650 00:35:27,041 --> 00:35:30,878 hello, yes, this is Adele. 651 00:35:30,962 --> 00:35:33,464 No, he has not listened to me today at all. 652 00:35:34,715 --> 00:35:37,051 Yeah, he's standing right here. 653 00:35:37,135 --> 00:35:39,887 Oh sure, thank you so much. 654 00:35:39,929 --> 00:35:42,473 And she puts the phone to me. 655 00:35:42,557 --> 00:35:44,976 I took a deep breath, 656 00:35:45,059 --> 00:35:47,562 released some urine. 657 00:35:49,063 --> 00:35:51,190 I took a step toward the phone, 658 00:35:51,232 --> 00:35:52,859 put it in my hand, put it to my head. 659 00:35:52,900 --> 00:35:54,861 My hand was trembling like this. 660 00:35:54,902 --> 00:35:57,071 And I went, hello, who is this? 661 00:35:57,155 --> 00:35:59,740 And the voice on the other line said, 662 00:35:59,824 --> 00:36:04,829 this is the rhythm. 663 00:36:05,788 --> 00:36:06,664 No, 664 00:36:09,959 --> 00:36:11,919 That is very wrong. 665 00:36:12,003 --> 00:36:15,840 You don't do that to a child. My mother should be in jail. 666 00:36:17,008 --> 00:36:20,219 Straight up penitentiary for that woman. 667 00:36:20,261 --> 00:36:25,183 You don't do that to a boy. That affected me deeply. 668 00:36:25,266 --> 00:36:27,435 How deeply happy when I was 11. I'm 47. 669 00:36:27,476 --> 00:36:31,772 It's a Saturday in Chicago and we're talking about it. So 670 00:36:39,989 --> 00:36:41,282 I was a terrified kid. 671 00:36:41,324 --> 00:36:43,618 I I became a terrified adult. I, I am, I am. 672 00:36:43,701 --> 00:36:46,913 I am terrified right now. 673 00:36:46,954 --> 00:36:49,624 I'll tell you about one of the most frightening things 674 00:36:49,665 --> 00:36:51,125 that happened to me in my adult life. 675 00:36:51,209 --> 00:36:53,961 I used to live in this little studio, basement apartment 676 00:36:54,003 --> 00:36:55,463 underneath like a townhouse. 677 00:36:55,546 --> 00:36:57,465 And one day I was sleeping deep sleep, 678 00:36:57,548 --> 00:36:58,716 all the lights pitch black. 679 00:36:58,799 --> 00:37:00,635 And I heard a pounding at the door. 680 00:37:00,718 --> 00:37:02,053 And you know, you know, 681 00:37:02,136 --> 00:37:03,471 you could tell when something is an emergency. 682 00:37:03,554 --> 00:37:06,140 I heard like, and in one motion, 683 00:37:06,224 --> 00:37:08,309 IL from a deep sleep to my feet. 684 00:37:08,392 --> 00:37:10,394 And I was like, hello? 685 00:37:11,395 --> 00:37:12,647 My heart was beating outta my chest. 686 00:37:12,730 --> 00:37:15,566 And I heard Sal, it's Dave. Open the door. 687 00:37:15,650 --> 00:37:16,984 Dave was my landlord. 688 00:37:17,026 --> 00:37:19,487 He's the guy that lived upstairs for me at the time. 689 00:37:19,570 --> 00:37:21,322 And he was a big Irish dude. 690 00:37:21,364 --> 00:37:22,949 He was a New York City detective. 691 00:37:22,990 --> 00:37:25,451 And I stumbled in the dark to the door 692 00:37:25,493 --> 00:37:27,161 and I cracked it open like this much. 693 00:37:27,245 --> 00:37:29,330 And the sun came and I went, what's up? 694 00:37:29,413 --> 00:37:33,334 And he said, did you hear anything? And I said, no. 695 00:37:33,376 --> 00:37:35,878 And he goes, you didn't hear anything. 696 00:37:36,671 --> 00:37:39,006 And I said, no, what's up? 697 00:37:40,049 --> 00:37:42,009 And he goes, I just got home. 698 00:37:42,051 --> 00:37:44,595 My door upstairs is off the hinges. 699 00:37:44,679 --> 00:37:46,430 Somebody broke into my house 700 00:37:46,514 --> 00:37:48,474 and I think they're still in there. 701 00:37:48,516 --> 00:37:49,392 Let's go. 702 00:38:01,279 --> 00:38:03,197 Let's go? 703 00:38:03,239 --> 00:38:05,074 I pay you. 704 00:38:06,701 --> 00:38:08,536 You're gonna drag me into this. Your tenant. 705 00:38:08,619 --> 00:38:10,788 I'm a straight up civil. 706 00:38:12,123 --> 00:38:13,374 He didn't even wait for a response. 707 00:38:13,416 --> 00:38:16,877 He walked away like, I'm going to help him. 708 00:38:16,961 --> 00:38:21,382 So I threw on my terry cloth bathrobe and my house slippers 709 00:38:21,424 --> 00:38:24,969 because I may be fighting a criminal in a few moments. 710 00:38:26,554 --> 00:38:28,055 And I went to the front of the house. 711 00:38:28,097 --> 00:38:31,309 I don't know why I went, I shouldn't have gone. 712 00:38:32,226 --> 00:38:33,561 And I get to the front 713 00:38:33,644 --> 00:38:35,229 and sure enough, I see the front door hanging off 714 00:38:35,313 --> 00:38:36,689 the middle hinge only. 715 00:38:36,731 --> 00:38:38,566 And it was chilling. 716 00:38:38,649 --> 00:38:41,068 And for a moment I was like, are 717 00:38:41,110 --> 00:38:44,071 we sure this isn't the tooth fairy? 718 00:38:45,656 --> 00:38:50,036 I don't want you to go in there and shoot my father. 719 00:38:50,077 --> 00:38:51,954 JK he's just a helper. So, 720 00:38:54,332 --> 00:38:56,417 and was standing there and I don't know what to do. 721 00:38:56,459 --> 00:38:58,252 And in that moment, he reaches into his jacket 722 00:38:58,294 --> 00:39:00,921 and he pulls out a gun and he cocked it. 723 00:39:02,006 --> 00:39:05,051 Now I know 724 00:39:05,092 --> 00:39:09,472 that you guys are from here, 725 00:39:22,276 --> 00:39:24,612 but I'm from there. 726 00:39:24,695 --> 00:39:26,197 I'm not used to seeing a gun in front of my face, 727 00:39:26,280 --> 00:39:29,033 let alone cocked and ready to go. 728 00:39:29,116 --> 00:39:31,952 And in that moment he says to me, with a serious face, 729 00:39:32,036 --> 00:39:34,246 he goes, I'm gonna go inside 730 00:39:34,288 --> 00:39:36,957 and I'm gonna secure the first floor. 731 00:39:36,999 --> 00:39:39,543 You get my back. 732 00:39:40,461 --> 00:39:44,965 And I said to him, I'm your guy. 733 00:39:46,133 --> 00:39:48,636 I don't know why I said that. I'm not his guy. 734 00:39:48,677 --> 00:39:50,554 I'm nobody's guy. 735 00:39:51,472 --> 00:39:54,517 I'm barely a guy. 736 00:39:56,894 --> 00:39:58,437 And he goes in, and the only way 737 00:39:58,479 --> 00:39:59,438 I could describe it is like 738 00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:00,731 what we see in TV and movies. 739 00:40:00,815 --> 00:40:03,067 I swear to God, he's technical, methodical. 740 00:40:03,150 --> 00:40:05,653 He's doing, he's doing this stuff. 741 00:40:07,530 --> 00:40:10,574 I'm standing there like I am very unclear of my role here. 742 00:40:11,909 --> 00:40:15,496 I'm dressed like I'm waiting for a massage. 743 00:40:19,375 --> 00:40:21,001 I couldn't do anything but repeat 'em. 744 00:40:21,043 --> 00:40:22,878 He was like, kitchen's clear. My kitchen's clear. 745 00:40:25,172 --> 00:40:28,592 Closet is clear. I go all clear in the closet. 746 00:40:39,019 --> 00:40:40,354 And he comes up to me and he goes, 747 00:40:40,438 --> 00:40:42,356 I've canvassed the first floor. 748 00:40:43,774 --> 00:40:47,862 We good down here. Now you and I have to go upstairs. 749 00:40:47,903 --> 00:40:52,324 I was just like, I'm still your guy. 750 00:40:52,366 --> 00:40:53,701 And we start to go up the steps 751 00:40:53,742 --> 00:40:55,161 and look, it is tense man. 752 00:40:55,202 --> 00:40:56,871 And he's stone faced. Okay? 753 00:40:56,954 --> 00:40:58,622 He's been in this situation before. 754 00:40:58,706 --> 00:41:00,374 He's ready to act. Okay? 755 00:41:00,458 --> 00:41:02,209 He's going up the steps. He's trying not even 756 00:41:02,293 --> 00:41:05,379 to make a creek, not one creek in the steps, okay? 757 00:41:05,421 --> 00:41:07,798 I am right behind him, 758 00:41:07,882 --> 00:41:10,217 head to toe, south park pajamas 759 00:41:10,259 --> 00:41:11,844 Terry Cloth Bathrobe. 760 00:41:11,886 --> 00:41:13,721 Again, I could only mimic him. 761 00:41:13,804 --> 00:41:15,890 So I'm just like, okay, I took my cues from him. 762 00:41:15,973 --> 00:41:17,475 So I'm just going up the stairs. 763 00:41:21,145 --> 00:41:24,106 It looked like an episode of Scooby Doo. 764 00:41:25,983 --> 00:41:28,235 At one point, I swear to God, I even did this with my hand 765 00:41:28,319 --> 00:41:32,740 because I felt like I needed something. 766 00:41:32,823 --> 00:41:34,492 Maybe the robber would think I had a flesh pistol. 767 00:41:34,575 --> 00:41:35,409 I don't know. 768 00:41:37,077 --> 00:41:38,370 We get to the top of the steps. 769 00:41:38,412 --> 00:41:39,914 There's three doors up there. Two were open, 770 00:41:39,997 --> 00:41:41,665 one was a half bath, not impressive. 771 00:41:46,921 --> 00:41:48,005 The other was a spare bedroom. 772 00:41:48,088 --> 00:41:49,507 And then there was one closed door, 773 00:41:49,590 --> 00:41:52,009 which means obviously that if anyone is in the house 774 00:41:52,092 --> 00:41:53,886 they have to be behind that door. 775 00:41:53,928 --> 00:41:56,222 And that means obviously that if something's going 776 00:41:56,263 --> 00:42:00,434 to happen, it's gonna happen right now, 777 00:42:00,476 --> 00:42:03,270 I know we're laughing, but I want you to appreciate this. 778 00:42:03,354 --> 00:42:06,106 So if you could, for even one moment, try, try 779 00:42:06,148 --> 00:42:08,192 to put yourself 780 00:42:08,275 --> 00:42:09,777 in my slippers. 781 00:42:11,779 --> 00:42:14,365 I have been awake for 70 seconds 782 00:42:16,116 --> 00:42:20,704 and I'm standing there like, how did I find myself here? 783 00:42:22,331 --> 00:42:25,251 A minute and a half ago I was with a bunch 784 00:42:25,292 --> 00:42:26,627 of girls at the beach 785 00:42:28,045 --> 00:42:31,215 and now I'm in a position where I could get shot 786 00:42:32,841 --> 00:42:34,885 and I don't know what to do. 787 00:42:34,969 --> 00:42:37,346 And he leans in, in that moment, he goes, 788 00:42:44,478 --> 00:42:48,816 he starts doing hand signals, sign language, 789 00:42:48,857 --> 00:42:49,984 whatever you want to call it. 790 00:42:50,067 --> 00:42:52,653 But I was like, why would you believe 791 00:42:52,695 --> 00:42:55,990 that I could interpret this? 792 00:42:56,031 --> 00:42:58,450 Can we please go downstairs and tiptoe down there 793 00:42:58,492 --> 00:43:00,160 and whisper about it? 794 00:43:02,496 --> 00:43:05,165 And before I could communicate to him, 795 00:43:05,249 --> 00:43:06,917 I don't know what I'm supposed to do. 796 00:43:07,001 --> 00:43:11,005 He turned and he kicked his own door open. It flew open. 797 00:43:11,088 --> 00:43:13,674 He ran in with the gun out like that. 798 00:43:13,757 --> 00:43:17,011 I got a surge of adrenaline I never felt before in my life. 799 00:43:17,094 --> 00:43:18,512 Something came through my body, 800 00:43:18,596 --> 00:43:20,264 up my toes off the top of my head. 801 00:43:20,347 --> 00:43:23,559 And I involuntarily yelled, pow, pow, 802 00:43:30,274 --> 00:43:32,026 pow, pow I said. 803 00:43:33,027 --> 00:43:34,778 I said pow pow 804 00:43:36,530 --> 00:43:38,240 First I said croutons. 805 00:43:39,366 --> 00:43:41,619 Now here I said, pow, pow. 806 00:43:42,953 --> 00:43:46,081 I made the sound of a gun 807 00:43:49,043 --> 00:43:50,794 from cartoons. 808 00:43:53,380 --> 00:43:56,717 That's how I helped that man, onomatopoeia. 809 00:44:00,638 --> 00:44:03,390 So he gets shot. 810 00:44:06,393 --> 00:44:10,397 No. Could you imagine? 811 00:44:10,481 --> 00:44:12,775 He get shot? I'm like, huh, 812 00:44:16,153 --> 00:44:17,071 Pow! 813 00:44:19,281 --> 00:44:20,574 My luck there's a nest cam. 814 00:44:20,616 --> 00:44:21,742 The footage is on the news. 815 00:44:21,825 --> 00:44:25,120 I'm like, pow pow. He's laying there dead. 816 00:44:28,916 --> 00:44:30,334 Kaboom! 817 00:44:31,335 --> 00:44:32,503 Slap! 818 00:44:33,921 --> 00:44:38,008 Tonight at 11, local pussy shot dead making gun sounds. 819 00:44:44,431 --> 00:44:45,349 Thanks guys. 820 00:44:49,269 --> 00:44:50,437 Sir, can you take us through what happened? 821 00:44:50,521 --> 00:44:53,273 Yes, I was, I pay him and I was sleeping 822 00:44:53,357 --> 00:44:54,525 and I wasn't getting a massage. 823 00:44:54,608 --> 00:44:56,110 And I love cartoons, sir, this is live. 824 00:44:56,193 --> 00:44:59,446 Can we cut to the chase? Yes. I said, pow pow. 825 00:45:01,615 --> 00:45:04,201 There was nobody in there. 826 00:45:04,284 --> 00:45:07,955 Could you imagine how emasculating that was for me 827 00:45:07,996 --> 00:45:09,623 in that moment? 828 00:45:09,707 --> 00:45:12,126 He, I watched, he didn't even turn around for 10 seconds. 829 00:45:12,209 --> 00:45:15,963 Maybe I just saw his back shaking like this. 830 00:45:16,714 --> 00:45:20,634 And then he just went, pow, pow. 831 00:45:21,885 --> 00:45:24,471 I was like, Dave, I did all that I could. 832 00:45:24,555 --> 00:45:27,975 Two weeks later, he raised my rent $50. 833 00:45:30,394 --> 00:45:32,229 That was scary. It really was. That was intense. 834 00:45:32,312 --> 00:45:35,065 But it was nothing compared to the hands down, 835 00:45:35,149 --> 00:45:36,483 worst experience of my life. 836 00:45:36,567 --> 00:45:38,402 The worst night of my life. Okay? 837 00:45:38,485 --> 00:45:39,987 I was in Amsterdam 838 00:45:40,070 --> 00:45:41,989 with my girlfriend on vacation a few years back. 839 00:45:42,072 --> 00:45:43,657 And we came outta the Van Gogh museum 840 00:45:43,741 --> 00:45:45,743 and it was getting dark out and we had no plans. 841 00:45:45,826 --> 00:45:47,119 We said, what are we gonna do tonight? 842 00:45:47,161 --> 00:45:49,830 And by chance across the street was the Amsterdam 843 00:45:49,913 --> 00:45:51,123 Royal Concert Hall. 844 00:45:51,165 --> 00:45:53,125 It was a beautiful old landmark venue. 845 00:45:53,167 --> 00:45:54,585 And right on the marquee it said 846 00:45:54,668 --> 00:45:56,170 tonight only the 847 00:45:56,211 --> 00:46:00,090 Amsterdam Symphony with guest vocalist, Rufus Wain Wright. 848 00:46:00,174 --> 00:46:01,842 And I had heard his name. 849 00:46:01,925 --> 00:46:03,260 I didn't know much about him, never saw him before, 850 00:46:03,343 --> 00:46:05,095 but I know he was some virtuoso. 851 00:46:05,179 --> 00:46:06,513 Well like, look at this specific 852 00:46:06,555 --> 00:46:08,515 to tonight in Amsterdam, that's what we're gonna do. 853 00:46:08,557 --> 00:46:10,851 So we run across the street right before it started. 854 00:46:10,934 --> 00:46:12,853 And we bought two tickets and we're about to go in. 855 00:46:12,895 --> 00:46:16,148 And my girlfriend says, hun, we're in Amsterdam. 856 00:46:16,190 --> 00:46:19,777 Why don't we go smoke a little marijuana before we go in? 857 00:46:19,860 --> 00:46:21,862 It'll be that much more fun. 858 00:46:21,945 --> 00:46:23,489 Well, okay, but at the time, 859 00:46:23,530 --> 00:46:27,201 I didn't smoke marijuana. 860 00:46:28,869 --> 00:46:30,370 At the time. 861 00:46:32,080 --> 00:46:33,373 And I was like, I don't know. And she's like, well, 862 00:46:33,457 --> 00:46:35,375 when would there be a more perfect time to do it? 863 00:46:35,417 --> 00:46:37,336 And I said, okay, I'm, you know, 864 00:46:37,377 --> 00:46:38,545 I'll, I'll be a team player. 865 00:46:38,629 --> 00:46:39,880 And so she runs across the street 866 00:46:39,963 --> 00:46:42,049 and she buys it wherever you buy it. 867 00:46:42,132 --> 00:46:44,009 And she runs back over and she hands me a bag 868 00:46:44,051 --> 00:46:45,385 and I take it out and I light it. 869 00:46:45,469 --> 00:46:49,890 And I took two of the biggest hits 870 00:46:49,932 --> 00:46:52,142 I have ever taken in my entire life. 871 00:46:52,226 --> 00:46:55,062 And immediately 872 00:46:55,103 --> 00:46:57,064 I knew something was very wrong. 873 00:46:58,440 --> 00:47:00,484 She goes, oh my God, your face is pale white. 874 00:47:00,567 --> 00:47:02,903 I said, I know. She said, is there an issue? 875 00:47:02,986 --> 00:47:06,073 I said, a big one. She said, what's the matter? 876 00:47:06,114 --> 00:47:09,535 I said, I can't feel my arms. 877 00:47:09,576 --> 00:47:10,744 She's like, I'm sure you'll be fine. 878 00:47:10,828 --> 00:47:13,080 I said, I don't think so. She said, why? 879 00:47:13,163 --> 00:47:15,791 I said, because it is progressing 880 00:47:16,834 --> 00:47:19,753 and I can't feel my legs. 881 00:47:19,837 --> 00:47:21,755 And then she's staring back at me blankly. 882 00:47:21,839 --> 00:47:26,343 And I was like, I need those. 883 00:47:28,011 --> 00:47:29,429 She said, hun, calm down. You're just high. 884 00:47:29,513 --> 00:47:32,766 I said, no, I've been high before in my life. 885 00:47:32,850 --> 00:47:34,685 This does not feel like that. 886 00:47:34,768 --> 00:47:38,730 I'm telling you, believe me, something's very wrong. 887 00:47:38,772 --> 00:47:40,941 And I looked down at the baggie that I was holding 888 00:47:41,024 --> 00:47:43,819 and it said heroin. 889 00:47:45,529 --> 00:47:48,115 Yeah, I'm just kidding though. 890 00:47:51,159 --> 00:47:52,619 But it did say hash 891 00:47:52,661 --> 00:47:54,621 and I don't know what that is, but I smoked that shit. 892 00:47:55,873 --> 00:47:58,709 I smoked so much hash, I don't even know what it is. 893 00:47:58,792 --> 00:48:00,794 I know what a hash brown is. 894 00:48:00,878 --> 00:48:04,715 But it wasn't a hash brown because it was after 11:00 AM 895 00:48:10,470 --> 00:48:12,764 She said, I think we should go inside. 896 00:48:12,806 --> 00:48:14,266 I said, really? I think we should book a flight 897 00:48:14,308 --> 00:48:16,059 and fly home tonight. 898 00:48:17,561 --> 00:48:18,979 She said, no, why don't we go inside? 899 00:48:19,021 --> 00:48:21,315 I said, I don't think this is a good idea any longer. 900 00:48:21,356 --> 00:48:26,153 I am very unsettled. She said, hun, you are with me. 901 00:48:26,236 --> 00:48:28,488 Okay, I'll make sure you're okay. You're just high. 902 00:48:28,530 --> 00:48:31,491 I'll take care of you. I promise. Let's go inside. 903 00:48:31,575 --> 00:48:33,827 And then she took my hand like she was my 904 00:48:33,869 --> 00:48:36,914 sponsor and she led me in. 905 00:48:36,997 --> 00:48:41,835 And I was just 906 00:48:41,877 --> 00:48:43,503 no control over any of these, right? 907 00:48:44,504 --> 00:48:45,923 We get inside, we're in a vestibule. 908 00:48:46,006 --> 00:48:48,467 They handed out hot wine. And their hot wine. 909 00:48:48,508 --> 00:48:52,846 I never heard of hot wine before. I slammed two. 910 00:48:52,930 --> 00:48:55,974 Slammed two. She's not looking out for me. 911 00:48:56,016 --> 00:48:56,934 this woman. 912 00:48:59,061 --> 00:48:59,978 10 feet away is the door 913 00:49:00,020 --> 00:49:01,355 to the actual theater. 914 00:49:01,438 --> 00:49:04,608 We walk in there, I look up, I go, we made a mistake. 915 00:49:04,691 --> 00:49:08,862 It is gorgeous in there. There is crystal chandeliers. 916 00:49:08,946 --> 00:49:11,031 Everything is gold leaf. The seats were velvet. 917 00:49:11,114 --> 00:49:13,200 It was 1700 seats. 918 00:49:13,283 --> 00:49:16,787 Everybody in there was in a tux and a gown. 919 00:49:16,870 --> 00:49:19,873 Your boy was in shorts, 920 00:49:19,957 --> 00:49:21,541 Flip flops, 921 00:49:21,625 --> 00:49:24,878 And a fanny pack. 922 00:49:24,920 --> 00:49:26,380 I was a taurist that day, you know? 923 00:49:26,463 --> 00:49:28,382 And I was like, I can't do this. I'm mortified. 924 00:49:28,465 --> 00:49:31,218 And she was like, babe, when the lights go down 925 00:49:31,259 --> 00:49:33,845 and we're sitting in our seats, nobody's gonna notice. 926 00:49:33,887 --> 00:49:36,890 I think we should go sit down. And I said, really? 927 00:49:38,308 --> 00:49:41,395 'cause I think we should book a flight and fly home tonight. 928 00:49:41,478 --> 00:49:43,230 And I just take her hand and I go to my seat 929 00:49:43,271 --> 00:49:46,817 and I'm like, skews, skews, skews. 930 00:49:47,901 --> 00:49:49,403 And I get to my seat and I turn, 931 00:49:49,486 --> 00:49:51,071 and the second my ass hit the velvet, 932 00:49:51,154 --> 00:49:53,573 I went, we need to leave now. 933 00:49:54,950 --> 00:49:56,410 I wanna explain something to you guys. 934 00:49:56,493 --> 00:49:58,036 This is hands down, the scariest, 935 00:49:58,078 --> 00:49:59,371 worst experience of my entire life. 936 00:49:59,413 --> 00:50:02,249 No, nothing was funny about it. It was it. 937 00:50:02,290 --> 00:50:04,251 I have trauma from this. Okay? 938 00:50:04,334 --> 00:50:06,253 The only way I could explain to you how I felt was 939 00:50:06,336 --> 00:50:10,090 that I felt like I was having a million thoughts at a time. 940 00:50:10,173 --> 00:50:12,050 I couldn't process any of it. 941 00:50:12,092 --> 00:50:14,720 I didn't understand what was real or not. 942 00:50:14,761 --> 00:50:18,932 And I felt like I was going crazy and drowning 943 00:50:18,974 --> 00:50:21,268 and suffocating in my own thoughts. 944 00:50:22,269 --> 00:50:24,187 So laugh it up. 945 00:50:25,272 --> 00:50:26,773 And just understand this, 946 00:50:26,857 --> 00:50:30,235 every single thing that I said to my girlfriend, in my heart 947 00:50:30,277 --> 00:50:32,320 of hearts, I believed. 948 00:50:33,613 --> 00:50:35,449 So I turned to her and I said, we need to leave now. 949 00:50:35,532 --> 00:50:37,284 And she said, why? 950 00:50:37,367 --> 00:50:42,456 And I said, 'cause everybody in here is trying to kill me. 951 00:50:43,206 --> 00:50:44,458 She said, huh? 952 00:50:44,541 --> 00:50:47,252 I said, everybody in here wants me dead. 953 00:50:47,294 --> 00:50:49,713 She starts laughing. 954 00:50:49,796 --> 00:50:53,633 Do you know how infuriating it is when you think 955 00:50:53,717 --> 00:50:58,472 that 1,700 people are targeting you 956 00:50:58,555 --> 00:51:01,391 and the one person you're with is having a chuckle? 957 00:51:02,809 --> 00:51:04,144 I was like, why are you laughing? 958 00:51:04,186 --> 00:51:05,812 She said, 'cause it's funny. I said, it's funny. 959 00:51:05,854 --> 00:51:07,647 I said, you know what I'm telling you, it's a courtesy. 960 00:51:07,731 --> 00:51:09,149 In a couple of seconds, I'm gonna stand up. 961 00:51:09,232 --> 00:51:13,320 I'm gonna scream at the top of my peak physical ability, 962 00:51:13,403 --> 00:51:15,614 and I am going to run away. 963 00:51:15,655 --> 00:51:19,576 Okay? I'm telling you, as a courtesy, 964 00:51:19,659 --> 00:51:21,495 I kept saying that to her over and over. 965 00:51:21,578 --> 00:51:24,247 I'm telling you as a courtesy, 966 00:51:25,040 --> 00:51:28,168 like I'm some great guy. 967 00:51:28,251 --> 00:51:30,087 She goes, you're not gonna do that. I go, yes I am. 968 00:51:30,170 --> 00:51:31,671 And I'll tell you another thing. 969 00:51:31,713 --> 00:51:34,674 A woman in a wheelchair has situated herself in the aisle. 970 00:51:34,758 --> 00:51:35,967 We just came down, 971 00:51:36,009 --> 00:51:38,011 she's blocking it and I'm not gonna die. 972 00:51:38,095 --> 00:51:39,513 So if I had to get past her 973 00:51:39,596 --> 00:51:43,266 and I can't, something may happen between me and her. 974 00:51:44,559 --> 00:51:46,728 She said, what? I said, well, it's either her or me. 975 00:51:48,271 --> 00:51:49,481 She said, no, it's not. You're not gonna touch that woman. 976 00:51:49,523 --> 00:51:52,192 I said, yes I am. 977 00:51:52,275 --> 00:51:55,153 And I leaned in for dramatic effect, I guess. 978 00:51:55,195 --> 00:51:59,116 And I went, and I've already made peace with it. 979 00:52:06,123 --> 00:52:07,374 And in that moment, 980 00:52:07,415 --> 00:52:08,875 the lights went down, the symphony came out 981 00:52:08,959 --> 00:52:10,544 with Rufuss, and they started the concert. 982 00:52:10,585 --> 00:52:12,712 And I was stuck there. Okay? 983 00:52:12,796 --> 00:52:15,465 And I don't know if you've ever heard him sing before. 984 00:52:15,549 --> 00:52:17,008 This was my first time hearing him. 985 00:52:17,050 --> 00:52:20,220 His voice was other worldly. It was, it was like angelic. 986 00:52:20,262 --> 00:52:21,388 It really was something special 987 00:52:21,471 --> 00:52:22,889 that I hadn't heard before. 988 00:52:22,931 --> 00:52:25,976 And so immediately I started, you know, to cry hard. 989 00:52:29,104 --> 00:52:34,025 And as I'm crying, I feel my throat start to close up. 990 00:52:34,067 --> 00:52:35,318 It starts to constrict. 991 00:52:35,402 --> 00:52:37,654 It's getting very coarse and it starts to hurt. 992 00:52:37,737 --> 00:52:41,074 And I couldn't swallow. My tongue felt like sandpaper. 993 00:52:41,158 --> 00:52:42,909 It was really scary. 994 00:52:42,993 --> 00:52:46,913 I like had no moisture in my inside. 995 00:52:46,955 --> 00:52:51,418 And I turned to her and I went, they, they poisoned me. 996 00:52:51,501 --> 00:52:53,420 She said, what? I said, they poisoned me. 997 00:52:53,503 --> 00:52:57,424 She's like, who do you think poisoned you? 998 00:52:57,465 --> 00:53:01,052 I said, these people. 999 00:53:01,094 --> 00:53:03,388 She said, how do you think these people poisoned you? 1000 00:53:03,430 --> 00:53:04,347 I said, 1001 00:53:06,683 --> 00:53:09,102 The hot wine. 1002 00:53:10,312 --> 00:53:13,273 She said, babe, I had the hot wine. I said, 1003 00:53:18,195 --> 00:53:19,696 you're next. 1004 00:53:21,156 --> 00:53:23,200 I was processing real grief. 1005 00:53:25,368 --> 00:53:28,121 She said, babe, you, you probably have dry mouth. 1006 00:53:28,163 --> 00:53:29,456 Why don't you go in your fanny pack 1007 00:53:29,497 --> 00:53:31,499 and get yourself a Ricola? 1008 00:53:32,500 --> 00:53:34,461 I carry them. 1009 00:53:35,503 --> 00:53:37,047 So I looked down at my fanny pack, 1010 00:53:37,130 --> 00:53:38,757 which a moment ago was at my feet. 1011 00:53:38,798 --> 00:53:40,967 And I gotta tell you, Chicago, 1012 00:53:41,051 --> 00:53:44,262 my fanny pack was probably 650 feet down. 1013 00:53:44,304 --> 00:53:46,306 Okay? I'm just staring at it for minutes. 1014 00:53:46,389 --> 00:53:47,891 Like, who am I supposed to get 1015 00:53:47,974 --> 00:53:49,476 down there? 1016 00:53:49,559 --> 00:53:54,648 I'm only a man. This a 10 to 15 man job with a ladder. 1017 00:53:55,815 --> 00:53:57,317 And it took minutes, but I, I finally was like, 1018 00:53:57,359 --> 00:54:00,403 I have an idea, I'll reach. 1019 00:54:02,322 --> 00:54:05,158 And I threw my hand down 1020 00:54:05,242 --> 00:54:07,953 and I watched my arm extend 1021 00:54:07,994 --> 00:54:11,665 650 feet. 1022 00:54:12,999 --> 00:54:17,420 Took 11 minutes. I was watching a concert like this. 1023 00:54:28,848 --> 00:54:30,684 Finally, I get down there, I grasp it. 1024 00:54:30,725 --> 00:54:32,519 Now I gotta come back up, 1025 00:54:33,436 --> 00:54:35,480 double the time. 1026 00:54:35,522 --> 00:54:36,815 I get the fanny pack up here. 1027 00:54:36,856 --> 00:54:37,941 I take out a Ricola, 1028 00:54:38,024 --> 00:54:40,318 it's individually wrapped. 1029 00:54:40,360 --> 00:54:42,779 This poses another problem. 1030 00:54:42,862 --> 00:54:45,365 I'm holding the thing right here looking at it. 1031 00:54:45,448 --> 00:54:50,161 I'm like, how am I supposed to penetrate this military grade 1032 00:54:50,203 --> 00:54:51,288 wrapper? 1033 00:54:52,414 --> 00:54:55,750 I'm dying. I need this lemon laws. 1034 00:54:57,210 --> 00:55:00,463 After minutes. I go, you know what though? You know what? 1035 00:55:00,547 --> 00:55:04,968 In order to unwrap it, I'm gonna have to unwrap it. 1036 00:55:07,721 --> 00:55:09,556 And I go to unwrap it and it sounds like this. 1037 00:55:09,597 --> 00:55:10,890 It goes, 1038 00:55:10,932 --> 00:55:12,392 and I was like, 1039 00:55:13,727 --> 00:55:17,522 because I have to keep a low profile 1040 00:55:17,564 --> 00:55:21,151 because 1,700 people want to kill me. 1041 00:55:21,234 --> 00:55:22,694 And I freaked out. I'm like, there's, 1042 00:55:22,736 --> 00:55:24,154 there's no way this could have came from 1043 00:55:24,237 --> 00:55:25,739 my Ricola wrapper. 1044 00:55:25,780 --> 00:55:27,741 And I'm looking around and no one's really looking at me. 1045 00:55:27,782 --> 00:55:29,326 And so I'm like, I gotta do this again, 1046 00:55:29,409 --> 00:55:30,702 because the poison is, 1047 00:55:30,744 --> 00:55:32,245 I'm almost a goner. 1048 00:55:32,329 --> 00:55:35,415 So I go to unwrap it again slowly. 1049 00:55:35,457 --> 00:55:37,208 And I'm like, 1050 00:55:37,250 --> 00:55:38,251 and it went, 1051 00:55:38,335 --> 00:55:40,837 And I went, everybody mad. 1052 00:55:42,672 --> 00:55:46,259 And my girlfriend said, what? I said, everybody here mad. 1053 00:55:47,635 --> 00:55:49,596 She said, what are you talking about? Why? 1054 00:55:49,679 --> 00:55:52,807 I said, on account of my Ricola. 1055 00:55:54,768 --> 00:55:57,062 She said, I don't know what you're talking about. 1056 00:55:57,103 --> 00:55:58,730 And in that moment from the stage, 1057 00:55:58,772 --> 00:56:03,151 Rufus Wainwright finished singing his first song. 1058 00:56:17,207 --> 00:56:20,043 So it's been about four minutes. 1059 00:56:21,836 --> 00:56:23,463 And, and he addresses the audience 1060 00:56:23,546 --> 00:56:25,715 for the very first time with his non-singing voice. 1061 00:56:25,799 --> 00:56:29,803 And he goes like this, hello Amsterdam. 1062 00:56:29,886 --> 00:56:34,641 And I was like, what is going on? 1063 00:56:34,724 --> 00:56:37,060 His singing voice didn't match his regular voice. 1064 00:56:37,143 --> 00:56:39,979 And I did not have the mental capacity 1065 00:56:40,063 --> 00:56:42,649 or fortitude to understand that in that moment. 1066 00:56:42,732 --> 00:56:43,817 And I freaked out. 1067 00:56:43,900 --> 00:56:44,901 I turned to the old man next 1068 00:56:44,984 --> 00:56:45,985 to me, had white hair, blue talk. 1069 00:56:46,069 --> 00:56:49,197 I went, is he gay? 1070 00:56:50,657 --> 00:56:53,326 He is gay. He's a famous out gay man. 1071 00:56:53,368 --> 00:56:54,828 Everybody in the theater knew that 1072 00:56:54,911 --> 00:56:56,413 but me, the old man knew it. 1073 00:56:56,496 --> 00:56:59,082 And so he shot me a look like I was a lunatic. 1074 00:56:59,165 --> 00:57:03,169 And it freaked me out. I went, Why? Why? Am I gay? 1075 00:57:03,253 --> 00:57:07,340 I asked the old man if I was gay. 1076 00:57:07,424 --> 00:57:10,009 And I know, I know some of you'll like, 1077 00:57:10,051 --> 00:57:11,511 you didn't ask him if you were gay. 1078 00:57:11,553 --> 00:57:15,140 Yes, I fucking did. 1079 00:57:15,181 --> 00:57:18,351 I smoked Hash. 1080 00:57:18,435 --> 00:57:20,186 I promise you Chicago, in that moment, 1081 00:57:20,270 --> 00:57:22,564 I did not know who gay. 1082 00:57:24,274 --> 00:57:27,527 And as I'm asking him in my head, I look to the stage 1083 00:57:27,610 --> 00:57:29,028 and Rufus Wainwright 1084 00:57:29,112 --> 00:57:34,033 went, Ricola. 1085 00:57:34,075 --> 00:57:35,326 And I turned to my girlfriend. I go, 1086 00:57:35,368 --> 00:57:36,536 that must be a code word. 1087 00:57:36,619 --> 00:57:38,204 We have to leave now. 1088 00:57:38,288 --> 00:57:40,206 And she's like, it's the first song I'm not leaving. 1089 00:57:40,248 --> 00:57:42,709 And I was like, I will always love you. 1090 00:57:42,792 --> 00:57:46,713 Skews, skews, skews, skews, skews. 1091 00:57:46,796 --> 00:57:48,006 And I get to the aisle 1092 00:57:48,047 --> 00:57:49,132 and I see that woman in the wheelchair 1093 00:57:49,215 --> 00:57:50,508 and I start running to her. 1094 00:57:50,550 --> 00:57:52,218 And I know I'm not gonna get past her. 1095 00:57:52,302 --> 00:57:53,970 So right before I magically 1096 00:57:54,053 --> 00:57:57,223 pumped the brakes and I went move. 1097 00:57:57,265 --> 00:58:01,227 And she went, huh? And I went, huh? 1098 00:58:01,311 --> 00:58:05,732 And then I threw my Ricola at her. 1099 00:58:05,815 --> 00:58:08,067 I hit her right off the left tit. 1100 00:58:09,319 --> 00:58:12,405 I hit her right off the left tit with a Ricola. 1101 00:58:12,489 --> 00:58:13,990 I hit the woman in the wheelchair 1102 00:58:14,073 --> 00:58:16,409 right off the LT with the R 1103 00:58:19,162 --> 00:58:20,497 Burst through the doors of the theater. 1104 00:58:20,580 --> 00:58:21,873 I'm outside hyperventilating. 1105 00:58:21,915 --> 00:58:25,168 I'm like 30 seconds later, my girlfriend comes out. 1106 00:58:25,251 --> 00:58:27,921 I said, take me to the hospital. She said, calm down. 1107 00:58:27,962 --> 00:58:31,132 I said, no. I told you I was very unsettled. 1108 00:58:33,009 --> 00:58:35,220 She said, hun, calm down. Take this water and drink it. 1109 00:58:35,261 --> 00:58:37,096 Let the cold air hit your face for two minutes. 1110 00:58:37,180 --> 00:58:38,598 If you still feel this way in two minutes, 1111 00:58:38,640 --> 00:58:40,433 I promise you it's on me 1112 00:58:40,475 --> 00:58:41,726 and I will take you to the hospital. 1113 00:58:41,768 --> 00:58:45,188 Okay? And I said, fine. 1114 00:58:46,814 --> 00:58:49,359 She said, why don't you go in your fanny pack 1115 00:58:49,442 --> 00:58:51,694 and get yourself a Ricola? 1116 00:58:52,529 --> 00:58:54,197 I carry them. 1117 00:58:55,865 --> 00:58:57,283 So I go in my 1118 00:58:57,367 --> 00:59:01,955 fanny pack to get a Ricola and there was none. 1119 00:59:02,038 --> 00:59:04,123 There never was. 1120 00:59:05,041 --> 00:59:08,044 What was in my fanny pack. 1121 00:59:08,962 --> 00:59:10,964 Little totes umbrella, 1122 00:59:11,047 --> 00:59:12,799 a couple of room keys, 1123 00:59:14,300 --> 00:59:15,635 and condoms. 1124 00:59:37,657 --> 00:59:39,158 Fine Chicago fine. 1125 00:59:40,910 --> 00:59:43,121 But you all understand 1126 00:59:43,162 --> 00:59:46,082 that this means 1127 00:59:46,165 --> 00:59:48,334 that odds are high. 1128 00:59:49,586 --> 00:59:54,549 That I threw a condom at the woman in the wheelchair. 1129 00:59:55,550 --> 01:00:00,430 I was feverishly trying to open a condom 1130 01:00:01,264 --> 01:00:03,683 during this man's performance 1131 01:00:03,766 --> 01:00:08,855 while asking the old man next to me, sir, who is gay? 1132 01:00:09,522 --> 01:00:11,858 Am I gay? Is he gay? 1133 01:00:11,941 --> 01:00:15,945 I need to know right away who is gay. 1134 01:00:37,300 --> 01:00:40,637 You guys are amazing, man. Wow. Thank you so much. 1135 01:00:44,057 --> 01:00:46,309 Thank you guys. Thank you. 1136 01:00:47,393 --> 01:00:49,896 I, I love my job. 1137 01:00:49,979 --> 01:00:51,356 I'm so happy to be here. 1138 01:00:51,397 --> 01:00:54,567 I feel so lucky to be here. Really. 1139 01:00:54,651 --> 01:00:56,402 I love you. Thank you guys. 1140 01:00:56,444 --> 01:00:58,321 I will say, I will say there are some 1141 01:00:58,404 --> 01:01:00,865 of the greatest comedians in the world 1142 01:01:00,907 --> 01:01:02,200 that get on this stage every night. 1143 01:01:02,241 --> 01:01:04,202 And they tackle these very edgy, 1144 01:01:04,243 --> 01:01:06,829 way more controversial subjects night 1145 01:01:06,913 --> 01:01:09,207 after night with no safety net, for better or for worse. 1146 01:01:09,248 --> 01:01:10,416 Knowing that these days 1147 01:01:10,458 --> 01:01:12,168 it could be risky to their careers. 1148 01:01:12,251 --> 01:01:13,252 And it's not easy. 1149 01:01:13,336 --> 01:01:14,671 It's not easy to get up here 1150 01:01:14,754 --> 01:01:18,383 and take really big swings at very touchy subjects 1151 01:01:18,424 --> 01:01:20,176 and make it funny. 1152 01:01:20,259 --> 01:01:21,719 And it's a really important thing. 1153 01:01:21,761 --> 01:01:23,763 And I just want to give, give it up for those comedians 1154 01:01:23,846 --> 01:01:26,474 that come on the stage every night and do that. 1155 01:01:27,809 --> 01:01:28,685 Yeah, 1156 01:01:31,521 --> 01:01:32,438 for real. 1157 01:01:35,024 --> 01:01:37,443 But I'm not that guy. 1158 01:01:37,485 --> 01:01:39,946 I'm more of a silly goose you know, 1159 01:01:40,029 --> 01:01:41,698 Come to my show. I tell you stories about my life. 1160 01:01:41,781 --> 01:01:44,992 You go outside, I push into the bushes, we all go home. 1161 01:01:46,369 --> 01:01:47,620 But I do have controversial opinions. 1162 01:01:47,704 --> 01:01:49,872 I just never bring them to the stage. 1163 01:01:49,956 --> 01:01:53,292 But this is my special 1164 01:01:57,380 --> 01:02:00,800 and even more so this is Chicago. 1165 01:02:03,636 --> 01:02:05,138 And I couldn't ask more from you guys. 1166 01:02:05,179 --> 01:02:07,473 So if you guys are cool with it, if you're cool with it, 1167 01:02:07,515 --> 01:02:10,810 I'd like to get into some serious shit right now. 1168 01:02:10,893 --> 01:02:15,273 Yeah. Yes, yes. Alright. 1169 01:02:15,314 --> 01:02:17,650 Let me just say this. This is not in my wheelhouse, 1170 01:02:17,692 --> 01:02:19,152 so I have to preface it with this. 1171 01:02:19,193 --> 01:02:21,154 If I say something that offends one of you 1172 01:02:21,195 --> 01:02:22,947 and you feel you need to leave, leave 1173 01:02:22,989 --> 01:02:25,241 and I do not say that Contentiously, 1174 01:02:25,324 --> 01:02:27,160 I say it genuinely supportively. 1175 01:02:27,243 --> 01:02:28,411 I would do the same. You should 1176 01:02:28,494 --> 01:02:29,787 listen to anything you don't want to. 1177 01:02:29,829 --> 01:02:32,081 I respect it. I promise you I would even help you 1178 01:02:32,165 --> 01:02:33,499 get your money back. 1179 01:02:33,583 --> 01:02:35,960 But all I'm saying is if somebody else is enjoying it, 1180 01:02:36,002 --> 01:02:37,336 let's not police each other 1181 01:02:37,420 --> 01:02:39,672 and tell each other what we can and can't enjoy. 1182 01:02:39,714 --> 01:02:42,717 Is that fair Chicago? 1183 01:02:46,929 --> 01:02:49,932 Continental Breakfast is a real piece of shit. 1184 01:02:51,184 --> 01:02:54,604 Yeah, it's okay. If you need to leave. Leave, okay. 1185 01:02:54,687 --> 01:02:56,647 Because it's way more continental 1186 01:02:56,689 --> 01:02:58,524 than it is breakfast. 1187 01:02:58,566 --> 01:03:02,195 And I don't even know what continental means, 1188 01:03:02,278 --> 01:03:05,490 but it has never not failed to disappoint me. 1189 01:03:05,531 --> 01:03:06,866 You ever check into a hotel? They're like, 1190 01:03:06,949 --> 01:03:08,201 there's free breakfast down here in the morning. 1191 01:03:08,284 --> 01:03:09,494 I'm like, oh my God. Yes. 1192 01:03:09,535 --> 01:03:11,037 They're like, it's continental. 1193 01:03:11,120 --> 01:03:14,207 I'm like, I hope you and your family get into a car accident 1194 01:03:14,248 --> 01:03:16,042 because all it is is Earl Gray tea. 1195 01:03:16,125 --> 01:03:18,211 Don't you put me on the elevator 1196 01:03:18,294 --> 01:03:21,380 at 7:00 AM for Earl Gray. 1197 01:03:21,422 --> 01:03:24,133 If you need to leave, leave, 1198 01:03:26,219 --> 01:03:28,679 I'm gonna keep hitting you with the hard hitting topics. 1199 01:03:28,721 --> 01:03:31,557 Other comics will not touch. 1200 01:03:31,641 --> 01:03:33,392 Radio Shack closed down. 1201 01:03:33,476 --> 01:03:37,396 I'm fine with it. Yeah, yeah. 1202 01:03:37,480 --> 01:03:38,689 I'm sorry if I'm offending. 1203 01:03:38,731 --> 01:03:41,317 But this is how you start a dialogue. 1204 01:03:41,400 --> 01:03:43,694 You think the woman from Chicago stuck with me. 1205 01:03:43,736 --> 01:03:48,074 I hadn't experience in a shack 10 years ago. 10 years ago. 1206 01:03:48,115 --> 01:03:50,201 I walk into a shack, there was nobody in there 1207 01:03:50,243 --> 01:03:51,661 as per usu. 1208 01:03:52,995 --> 01:03:55,748 I walk in this one worker behind the counter. 1209 01:03:55,790 --> 01:03:56,749 Are you getting what I'm saying? 1210 01:03:56,833 --> 01:03:58,084 I walked into the structure. 1211 01:03:58,167 --> 01:04:00,503 I doubled the amount of people 1212 01:04:00,586 --> 01:04:02,421 I make a beeline to the register 1213 01:04:02,463 --> 01:04:04,257 I say, excuse me Miss, do you have CD ROMs? 1214 01:04:04,340 --> 01:04:06,592 She looked me in the face and went, 1215 01:04:07,802 --> 01:04:10,763 he said CD ROMs. 1216 01:04:10,847 --> 01:04:14,308 I was like, who the fuck are you talking to? 1217 01:04:15,476 --> 01:04:19,522 Are you making fun of me to my face to no one? 1218 01:04:19,605 --> 01:04:22,942 This CD ROM purchase gonna keep the lights on in here. 1219 01:04:23,025 --> 01:04:24,443 Two years later, they went outta business. 1220 01:04:24,527 --> 01:04:25,862 I don't think it's a coincidence. 1221 01:04:25,945 --> 01:04:28,698 If you need to leave, leave, 1222 01:04:31,701 --> 01:04:35,454 No, no, no, no, no. 1223 01:04:35,496 --> 01:04:38,082 I'm just getting warmed up. 1224 01:04:38,124 --> 01:04:40,459 I got a bone to pick with all of you. Yeah, yeah. 1225 01:04:40,543 --> 01:04:42,211 You thought you were safe. You're not 1226 01:04:42,295 --> 01:04:43,754 because you're all guilty of something 1227 01:04:43,796 --> 01:04:45,756 and I really, I really, I really have had enough of it. 1228 01:04:45,798 --> 01:04:47,633 Okay? And this is what you guys do. 1229 01:04:47,717 --> 01:04:48,634 And don't tell me you don't. 1230 01:04:48,718 --> 01:04:50,887 You just all go about your lives 1231 01:04:50,970 --> 01:04:52,805 and you walk around every day 1232 01:04:52,889 --> 01:04:55,474 and you all, you all agree to act like the, 1233 01:04:55,516 --> 01:04:56,893 like the first two rounds 1234 01:04:56,976 --> 01:04:59,979 of Family Feud actually means something. 1235 01:05:00,021 --> 01:05:02,648 They don't, everyone knows third round is triple points 1236 01:05:02,690 --> 01:05:04,233 for all the marbles. 1237 01:05:04,317 --> 01:05:07,987 Nothing matters in the first two rounds. Okay? 1238 01:05:08,070 --> 01:05:10,114 If you can't take this heat, I'm sorry, 1239 01:05:10,156 --> 01:05:13,159 but you all were warned. 1240 01:05:13,242 --> 01:05:17,663 Your family can win the feud without answering one single 1241 01:05:17,747 --> 01:05:19,999 correct question as long 1242 01:05:20,082 --> 01:05:23,669 as you steal the very last question. 1243 01:05:23,711 --> 01:05:26,047 What kind of snake oil shit is that? 1244 01:05:27,548 --> 01:05:28,841 You don't even have to watch Family Feud. 1245 01:05:28,925 --> 01:05:30,509 You could tune in with the one minute left 1246 01:05:30,593 --> 01:05:32,845 and see all you need to see 1247 01:05:32,929 --> 01:05:34,680 Steve Harvey has the grandmother June name a 1248 01:05:34,764 --> 01:05:35,848 food that has the word cheese in it. 1249 01:05:35,932 --> 01:05:38,351 June's like cheesecake ding cheesecake. 1250 01:05:38,392 --> 01:05:40,519 And now the Calhouns are going home 1251 01:05:40,603 --> 01:05:43,689 with 5K they don't deserve. 1252 01:05:53,950 --> 01:05:57,745 Yes, the grandmother's name is June Calhoun. Get over it. 1253 01:05:58,746 --> 01:06:01,040 Would anyone like their money back? 1254 01:06:01,123 --> 01:06:02,750 Suck it. I lied. 1255 01:06:05,086 --> 01:06:07,421 Yeah, I will get 'em. Thank you so much. 1256 01:06:09,382 --> 01:06:11,342 I'll tell you another thing I don't like about Family Feud. 1257 01:06:11,384 --> 01:06:13,386 The celebration by these families at the end 1258 01:06:13,469 --> 01:06:17,014 of the fast money round, it doesn't match the winnings. 1259 01:06:17,056 --> 01:06:20,393 The families need to tone down the show voting right away. 1260 01:06:20,476 --> 01:06:22,561 We got game shows giving away millions. 1261 01:06:22,645 --> 01:06:26,732 This damn show has been the same price for 23 years. 1262 01:06:26,816 --> 01:06:28,067 I looked it up. 1263 01:06:28,150 --> 01:06:31,404 It's $20,000 split 1264 01:06:31,487 --> 01:06:34,323 amongst five grown adults, 1265 01:06:34,407 --> 01:06:35,950 taxed. 1266 01:06:37,410 --> 01:06:38,577 Plus hotel and airfare, 1267 01:06:38,619 --> 01:06:39,870 these families are coming on the feud, 1268 01:06:39,912 --> 01:06:40,997 they're dominating. 1269 01:06:41,080 --> 01:06:44,041 Everybody's losing a few hundred dollars. 1270 01:06:44,083 --> 01:06:45,251 They're kicking their heels off. 1271 01:06:45,334 --> 01:06:46,877 Guys are flicking each other in the nuts. 1272 01:06:46,919 --> 01:06:51,340 Steve Huffys doing the Dunky for 1900. 1273 01:07:08,107 --> 01:07:10,735 While we're on the topic of game shows, 1274 01:07:10,776 --> 01:07:12,319 the price is right. 1275 01:07:13,279 --> 01:07:15,614 I don't like the $1 nonsense. 1276 01:07:15,656 --> 01:07:17,616 Play the game the way the game was meant to be played. 1277 01:07:17,658 --> 01:07:19,618 Don't cheat. Okay, 1278 01:07:20,661 --> 01:07:22,204 thanks. 1279 01:07:23,539 --> 01:07:25,124 I'll tell you what I don't like even more than that. 1280 01:07:25,166 --> 01:07:26,459 Even more. 1281 01:07:26,500 --> 01:07:27,585 This 1282 01:07:27,626 --> 01:07:29,795 600 1283 01:07:29,837 --> 01:07:32,840 601, fuck you. 1284 01:07:40,056 --> 01:07:45,061 Say 625, 630, have a little faith in yourself 1285 01:07:46,479 --> 01:07:50,733 Let this woman have her washer, dryer combination 1286 01:07:52,234 --> 01:07:57,323 I'm already home sick from work. I don't need this. 1287 01:08:05,039 --> 01:08:06,624 I wanna make a pact with you right now. 1288 01:08:06,665 --> 01:08:09,752 I want to bond all of us in this room right now, okay? 1289 01:08:09,835 --> 01:08:13,672 And I'm dead serious. I am dead serious. Okay? 1290 01:08:13,714 --> 01:08:15,841 Listen to me because I'm looking 1291 01:08:15,883 --> 01:08:16,926 at you guys right in your face. 1292 01:08:17,009 --> 01:08:18,260 I see all of you. I see you. 1293 01:08:18,344 --> 01:08:19,595 I'm looking, you right in the balls. 1294 01:08:21,597 --> 01:08:25,684 There is enough of us in here that odds are maybe one day 1295 01:08:25,768 --> 01:08:27,186 Jesus blesses one of us 1296 01:08:27,269 --> 01:08:30,189 and we become a contestant on The Price is Right. 1297 01:08:31,065 --> 01:08:33,943 If one of you ever, 1298 01:08:34,026 --> 01:08:37,530 ever becomes a contestant on the Price is Right 1299 01:08:37,571 --> 01:08:39,865 and somebody 601 someone, 1300 01:08:39,949 --> 01:08:43,369 you fucking 602, that person. 1301 01:08:46,539 --> 01:08:50,835 Thank you Chicago, I love you. 1302 01:08:50,876 --> 01:08:53,796 Thank you so much. Thank you guys. 1303 01:08:57,216 --> 01:08:58,717 Thank you. I'll always remember that.