Downloaded from YTS.MX
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
If I could go back and talk to
15-year-old James,
I would have a conversation with him about
who he is.
I've been ignoring my younger self,
trying to bury him
and blaming him for me being here.
At some point,
you have to choose your own healing.
My first birthday in prison, I turned 16.
I can't remember what that day was like,
but last night, my birthday,
as I went to sleep,
I was just thinking like,
I've had 16 birthdays in here.
Like, I literally grew up in prison.
It would be accurate for people to ask me where I'm from,
and I say, California state prisons.
I don't like the month of April.
First and foremost,
April 16th is the day I took a life.
It's a hard anniversary to always acknowledge
the worst thing you've ever done in your life.
Three days later, April 19th,
my brother was murdered.
I am always aware of this trauma.
I'm always aware of what I did
and what happened to Victor.
April
is just a reminder
of the most devastating time of my life.
Every year.
I was 25 years old.
The sergeant calls me into the office.
My hands are cuffed behind my back,
and he says,
Send him to the hole.
And the hole is
solitary confinement.
The hole was probably
a six-by-six box.
And I stayed in the hole
for about two and a half months.
Being in here,
death always feels imminent.
I have to manufacture hope.
And the way I manufacture hope is by writing music.
And I'd usually, like, lay on the floor
and just close my eyes and meditate
and imagine my life outside of prison.
I was trying to, like, write music,
and I would just, like, make beats on my chest or on the bunk
and just, like, come up with songs.
And my neighbor,
he would, like, hear me
write these songs and be like,
That's a good one, youngster.
And I would like, you know, sing it
through that little thin wall to him
so he can give me feedback.
Telling the stories is like
constantly reliving the trauma,
but I feel more comfortable
telling it in song.
To the mercy of God 'Cause sin got me caught
My father said, "God will forgive"
When you thuggin' and thuggin' for real
You tellin' yourself not to feel You sayin', "It's nothin'"
You flexin' and clutchin'
On pistols and itchin' to kill
Anybody risin' up against your faction
You and your n8tives be takin' action
Rollin' 20's and my Baby niggas
Mac Mafia and Ler niggas
Mindin' our step on the Sea Floor
Try'na blow up like we C-4
Searchin' for purpose in Purple and Pills
Fightin' our conscience And hidin' our ills
It's a trip
Memories are crucial
in maintaining your sanity in prison.
I remember,
maybe accurately or inaccurately,
but I remember things from my childhood,
and I relive them sitting on that bunk.
And it reminds me that
I was a person
and I am a person
before being incarcerated.
Growing up in that church,
mothers of the church would call me Little William
after my dad or Little Elder
after my dad.
It was cool to grow up
and sing in the choir.
Victor was
both protective
and a bully,
dominating me as his little brother,
but then not letting anybody else do it.
I remember
having asthma really bad as a kid and just being on my bike,
trying to keep up with Vic and his friends,
and we're like far away from home,
and I don't have my inhaler,
and I have this really bad asthma attack.
And he puts me on his bike
and rides me all the way home.
I didn't know that...
that life would catch up to him.
I remember when I couldn't hang out
Now I wonder how life's 'bout to play out
Feelin' trapped Is gon' start to feel played out
When your homie can hoop he your way out
Havin' dreams for yourself is so way out
When these niggas Is testin' you straight out
And this life is a carnival playhouse And these streets is a maze
I'm amazed how we
Went from shootin' at hoops In the backyard
On me
And wheelyin' bikes up the Boulevard to
A colorless world
Full of black hearts like Cain
Now I travel this world with a black mark
It's a trip
It's crazy
It's so crazy
How we live and die
It's crazy
It's so crazy
It's a trip
It's crazy
It's so crazy
When Victor first got arrested, I don't remember what he went in for.
I just remember feeling like
they took my brother.
They took my brother.
I remember being told
one day in the morning
that Victor had a court date.
And I remember sitting in the back of my fifth grade class,
and I just prayed.
God, please let my brother come home today.
I miss him, my mommy miss him, my daddy miss him, God,
so please let Victor come home.
I looked up to him,
followed him around and,
you know, tried to be like him.
I remember feeling like a lacking in my life
and trying to replace him
with other guys his age or older.
And these guys wound up being, like, the older homies
that I gangbanged with.
I grew up
in gang culture.
Like, being from a gang was expected
where I was from.
By the time I was 15,
I had made my mind up
that I was gonna be, like,
the...
hardest nigga from the gang.
Willing to be, like,
more violent than anybody else.
And I was getting a lot of praise from that.
Having access to guns
was like having access to a bike.
They everywhere.
Church stopped being a central part of my life
when my parents' marriage split.
Everything was a lie.
We actually don't love each other.
We actually don't love you.
And
God may not really care about you.
But
self-betrayal
is the worst betrayal.
Friends and enemies all
Look the same when you ball
While awaitin' your fall They just be countin' your flaws
Just the plight of a boss
Weighin' out every loss
Like, if I buy out the bar
How many friends will it cost
Sippin' Rémy then draw
On the hemp leaf and fall
To my knees to my God
'Cause even Jesus got crossed
Who can tell me any better
How to handle it all
When money fool 'em It turns your shooter to Judas an' all
Good God
It's just a sign of the times
Betrayal from your nigga Weighs heavy on your mind
He don't know loyalty
So when you need lawyer fees
He won't give a dime
But he'll prolly drop a dime
Take the stand, raise his hand
Help 'em give you time
I was only 15 When you helped 'em give me mine
They told me you was tellin' And I told them they was lyin'
Little did I know you was telling
The whole time
Damn
Betrayal, betrayal
Discreet with your deceit, on me
You plot
For my defeat, on me
You was my nigga
Tell me why you wanna kill me
Loyalties get amended when
Niggas facin' sentencin' To a world they never ventured in
Where death and God is intimate Regret is ever present
Solitude is ushered in
Only to the plight of many men
Where there is ocean there is plenty sand
Where there is friends there is plenty sin
I pray to God You pray to God just to make amends
You took the life of your own man
No gun was needed
Just a mic and stand
Damn
I pray to God
You pray to God just to make amends
You took the life of your own man
No gun was needed
Just a mic and stand
Raise your right hand
Damn
Betrayal, betrayal
Discreet with your deceit, on me
When Victor came home from
juvenile prison,
he was calling me Lil' James.
And I remember, like, poking my chest out and telling him
that I ain't Lil' James no more. Like...
I'm a man out here.
Violence and violent acts
were a tool that I used for everything.
Argue with somebody at school, fight 'em.
And shooting somebody was like
the ultimate act of violence.
This is what is gon' make people
respect me.
This is what's gon' make me worthy
of the fear and popularity
that comes with being a gangsta.
I remember having a conversation
with the homie at the time.
We were the same age.
Bro, we gotta, like... We gotta get us a gun and...
Like, I'm ready to, like,
shoot the ops, like, it's nothing.
I'm out here.
He's like, I'll shoot somebody, but I don't know if I can kill somebody.
And I, like, dismissed it,
like, Bro, you trippin'.
This is what we out here doing. What are you talking about?
This is what it is.
I had convinced myself
that I was willing to do it before I even did it.
And that moment...
I just felt like this is the moment to prove, like,
I'm that nigga from the hood.
And here it was someone
walking through my hood
offering me a challenge.
Like, doggin' each other,
and like, I'm in my hood. I don't have to break eye contact.
You supposed to break eye contact with me.
I went to a older homie,
and
he gave me the gun.
The young man steps into the street
prepared to fight me,
and I shoot him.
And I run away.
I walked around for, like, an hour and a half
before I made it back to the homie house
who gave me the gun.
And I expected, like,
to arrive to cheers,
I guess.
And instead, what I got was like,
Nigga, what did you do?
Nigga, the police finna be on you.
Like, Nigga, this ain't no party.
This ain't no song
where you can just rap about doing something and then
in three minutes it's over with, and you go back to living your life.
This ain't that.
I had this dream of Victor once.
Victor was, like, going into the alley,
and he was about to get in this car,
and I was calling him. I was like, Vic!
And he looked back at me,
and he smiled.
He was just like,
It's gon' be alright, bro.
And he got in the car and drove off.
They comin', they comin'
Keep runnin', keep runnin'
If the legal system don't give me life
I'll prolly get shot by my own kind
I'll prolly get popped with my own nine
Somebody in the hood will put it online
If the legal system don't give me life
I'll prolly get shot by my own kind
I'll prolly get popped with my own nine
Somebody in the hood will put it online
Why you think I smoke weed?
Johnnies pull me over
I'mma break 'fore they smoke me, on me
I'mma pop 'fore they smoke me
'Cause I'm a child of Assata On the low key
In the city by the blue sea
You spot a Johnny That's a red flag, true speech
Crips let their pants sag And they pop heat
Eses wanna see me dead And lying in the street, peep
If I see 'em ridin' two deep If I ever hear them tires screech
I'mma take cover then draw my heat
Buss and break like Craig and Smokey
'Cause if the legal system Don't give me life
I'll prolly get shot by my own kind
I'll prolly get popped with my own nine
Somebody in the hood will put it online
If the legal system don't give me life
I'll prolly get shot by my own kind
I'll prolly get popped with my own nine
Somebody in the hood will put it online
Durin' the hook The government launched four drones
Still I need a Glock to walk Smoke home
I ain't a man with it
I'm a man without it
The problem is They don't see a man unless I got it
This the story of lost innocence
Participatin' in genocide
Killin' niggas from other tribes
Fathers mourned and mothers cried
Still nobody know the reasons why
We the most wanted, most hunted
No frontin', stay blunted, stay gunnin'
Stay runnin', until we all extinct
The government tellin' us That terrorists on they way
I swear they only want us to think
I was mourning my brother,
mourning his loss,
and the reoccurring thought that kept
showing up was,
I did the same thing to another family.
Like, this is exactly how they feel.
I remember at my sentencing,
they said 40 years to life plus life.
And I looked up at my lawyer,
and I was like, So when do I go home?
And she just looked at me like,
Baby, you don't even understand what just happened.
You don't.
Orange jumper oversized
Tears fill my parents' eyes
Judge gave me 40 life
40 days 40 nights
Prayed the passions of the Christ Lord Jesus give me life
Demons haunt me every night
I contemplated suicide
I ain't gon' lie Sometimes I wish that I had tried
I'm tired of living this life
Seems every mornin' I die
Oh
I swear I done changed though
Forgive me
I'm different
I'm seeing things different
Now I can't control All these thoughts that's flowin'
I scatter these patterns that matter I manifest thoughts into matter
That's why you can feel it Revealin' these pivotal matters
I pray that the Lord send a ladder So I can climb outta this grave
On me
'Cause I'm sick of just being a slave
On me
All my, my, my
My mistakes, I own 'em all
I don't make excuse at all
What I did was more than wrong
But I won't thank you for these walls
State oppression weighs a ton
My depression goes and comes
Roller coastin' isn't fun
Doin' life is livin' slumped
'Cause I'm dead to the world
Dead to my homies and my girl I ain't got a letter in a minute
I was only 15 when a nigga fell up in here I been in here for a minute
Now a nigga try'na to finish out strong
On me
My Pops sayin', "Son, be strong"
I'm tryin'
Life's too short, I got no time to waste
Go time, it's no time to play
Flow bound to open the gates
And flood the game with realness
I pray that the public feel this This is for Bloods and real Crips
G-Ds' Lords should feel this 'Cause this is what a thug is filled with
When the trauma is real Tears from your momma is real
When you tell her you lost your appeal How you s'posed to feel?
When you get the feelin' that she got The feelin' your fate has be sealed
The trauma was real Tears from my momma was real
I told her I lost my appeal
How I'm s'pose to feel When I got the feelin'
That she got the feelin' My fate has been sealed?
And I'm feelin'
Overwhelmed
I always wonder where Victor is.
I know he's not in pain, but I also don't know where he is.
And that's kind of what goes through my mind.
Where is my brother?
When Reneasha was pregnant with Naaji,
and she was telling me, you know,
I'm due any day.
It was very clear
that we were coming up on an anniversary
for the death of Victor.
And so, when Naaji was born
on April 19th,
the day Victor was murdered,
it feels like God gave us
a gift
on a hard day.
Are we going to the graveyard?
I imagine that
the person who killed Vic,
I just imagine him being like...
Somebody who was just in the streets
playing his role
in what happens in street culture.
I remember thinking like,
you know, if I caught up with him,
I was gon' beat him up.
Or, you know,
worse.
There was times where I was like, I'mma kill this fool when I catch him.
Just really, like,
battling with hating this dude who was,
for the most part,
an imaginary figure in my mind.
I didn't know who he was
or what he looked like,
or I didn't really know his name.
When I first got to the prison I was in,
I remember, like, walking into the small dayroom.
One of the guys in the dayroom was...
...who was reflecting on the crime
that he had committed
and how
senseless it was.
So I, like,
really had a conversation
with him in particular
about, like, how much regret
and just remorse he had
for the murder he had committed.
He really showed his humanity to me,
and I was able to, like, see him.
Seeing his humanity
in relation
to the worst thing
he had ever done in his life,
reminded me of my own humanity
in relation to the worst thing
I had ever done.
I had blocked it out.
I had blocked out the image
of him falling to the ground after I shot him
for years
because that was the moment where I realized
the significance of what I had done.
So, I blocked it out.
And now I live with it.
It...
It spiraled me. Like...
By the time I was 19 years old,
I was so convinced
that I wasn't worth anything
that I wanted to take my life.
Like, I would do everybody a favor
if I killed myself.
If you look in my eyes,
it's like,
like zombie,
in every sense of the word.
I ain't even there.
Like,
I ain't even there.
Livin' in a steel grave
It's hard here
It's cold here, it's dark here
It's no air
I can't breathe I can't see, I can't sleep
I can't believe they got me
Livin' in the belly of the underworld
Blood suckas liken themselves
To famous kings of the underworld
Things get drastic When Dracula wants to eat
Keep a stake or be a steak When it's time to feast
A martyr soul
Doors are closed, I'm buried deep
Writin' flows, and pacing flows
I barely sleep
Eighteen, a canned teen
Waitin' on canteen
Can't seem to shake free of these memories
Jurors said, "Lynch 'em" So they lynched 'em
Man, this can't be life, on me Somebody better pinch 'em
Johnnies calls him "Nigger" When he turn his back to 'em
OGs give him knowledge
Like it's Similac for him
He gon' need that
When it goes down, it goes down
Chaos is the norm
Whenever time slows down
Concrete and steel Appeals gettin' turned down
Hopin' for mail But letters gettin' turned 'round
That's "return to sender" Promise I'll stop bein' a sinner
Lord, if you help me I'll be the number one repenter
In the land of the lost, I pray You help me be a winner
In the deep of the dark I seek, try'na find my center
I am just a sinner
Livin' in a steel grave
It's hard here
It's cold here, it's dark here
It's no air
I can't breathe I can't see, I can't sleep
I can't believe they got me
Livin' like a lifer
When I rather be a liver
When they give you life I swear you feel it in your liver
Pain so deep in the heat you still shiver
Livin' life dead will have You blowin' on a killer
Runnin' laps every day
I gotta push up
In case the walkin' dead Decide they wanna push up
'Cause flesh eaters Flex heatas lookin' for meals
Hypes chasin' hits
And they looking for a deal
Try'na escape they hell Demons dwellin' inside they cell
As the debt begins to build They contemplate whether or not to tell
When the hustla get impatient He pillage the Hype's cell
Then the Johnnies get a kite From the Hype when the night fell
That's when I felt That I failed and I fell
To my knees and I pleaded with God well
Let me know will my soul ever prevail
'Cause it's cold in this hole that I dwell
I am livin' in a steel
Livin' in a steel
Where everything is still
Yeah, everything is still
My dad had came to see me
when I was in the hole.
I had just finished writing
the first and second verse
of "Steel Grave."
And I thought the song was over,
and we were visiting behind the glass.
I was holding the phone
and I, like, rap "Steel Grave" to him.
And he was just like,
Yeah, son, that's really good.
He says, But what happens?
I'm like, What do you mean, what happens?
He's like, What happens to the character?
You just described that he was in this dark world.
Does he ever come out?
So when I go back to the cell after our visit,
I started to write it.
Throwin' dirt and arms hurtin'
Prayin' not to slip
I climb further, uncertain
Tighten up my grip
'Cause my direction's resurrection
Like Lazarus, I stand erected
My confessions, tales from the crypt
I remain
a person who dreams about freedom,
who dreams about my own reconciliation
and resurrection.
I dream about my own redemption
and the redemption of other people.
My imagination,
when I was in the hole,
really played a role
in how hopeful I grew to become.
I was able to imagine my life
in art and music.
I was able to imagine myself in freedom.
So, I had something to hope for
because I can see it in my mind.
I think about this one time I was laying on the floor, meditating
and like imagining myself
and the life that I wanted.
My
imaginary wife,
she looked like Indigo.
So when I met Indigo, I was like, Oh, there she go.
Why not?
Oh, my...
I mean, I would marry you today.
So whatever date you say, I'm like, Let's do that.
I'll keep holding on.
Gotta keep holding on.
Right.
Yeah. You read it to me.
No.
Yes.
Oh, Jackie, though.
Hate that. I hate that for you.
Young Black misguided dreamers
Wake up and turn Into fist fightin' schemers
Who gon' feed us?
Block full of young soldiers
But who gon' lead us?
We hold heat'us
I wish that I could tell you that
We don't need 'em
But it's hard when they huntin' you For no reason
Salty haters hate a n8tive When you so seasoned
Cold-hearted Johnny draw his heat
And burst into my spot While I was sleepin'
I guess it's time to wake up
Wake up, wake up, wake up
These days, people walkin' in a daze
Smokin' on the haze Thinkin' and dreamin' of getting paid
I can't wait for the day When n8tives awake
Get tired of goin' to homies' wakes
Deep in the water my niggas wade
Barely afloat, but they inflate
Their egos is bigger than D. Wade
'Cause it's hard to feel the love
When these niggas don't hate
The whole game twisted like a braid
So they stay sharp
Never switch up like a blade
Just to cop a chain
They at the stove whippin' like a slave
Cooking master's meal hopin' they
Can stumble on a couple young crumbs For the day
Numb so the pain of sellin' cain
Don't ever penetrate their conscience
We ain't conscious
Junglest streets call me a "beast" 'Cause it's easy to see
These human beings Would much rather be monsters
Mindless creatures that Never ever really mind they teachers
I had the feelin' that they wasn't Really try'na reach us
Whole chapter on Columbus and Cook
The slave trade a paragraph In my history book
Why you think a n8tive slept In the back of the class?
...380 wrapped and tucked In the bottom half of my bag
I'm Black and I'm mad But people never seem to take me serious
Choppa lullabies are the eeriest
Sung by the souls so curious
The streets is for the fast And the furious
But I ain't try'na to be like Paul Walker
Crash and burn I don't wanna be like Paul Walker
But I pray I hear the Lord when he calls
'Cause I think it's time to wake up
Wake up, wake up, wake up
As I got older,
I would feel, like, more responsible
to my dad
and to my mom and my sister.
I would write these letters
about how grateful I am
for them staying by my side
and supporting me
even after I've done something
so heinous and serious.
And I remember my mom telling me once
about my birth
that when she was pregnant with me, she was like, I wanted you.
And she told me, I still want you, son.
And that just,
you know, was so affirming and uplifting
and helped me to believe in myself and believe in my worth.
Hey, Momma.
I got something I want to read you.
The purpose of this letter is to provide the court
with the authority to resentence inmate James Jacobs
based upon his exceptional conduct while incarcerated.
As the secretary of CDCR,
I take my obligation to public safety very seriously
and choose only to make exceptional-conduct referrals
when an inmate's behavior while incarcerated
demonstrates a sustained compliance
with departmental rules, regulations, and requirements
as well as prolonged participation
in rehabilitative programming.
It appears that inmate Jacobs' sentence
warrants the attention of the court.
I recommend that inmate Jacobs' sentence be recalled
and that he be resentenced.
Sincerely, Ralph Diaz, secretary of CDCR.
My dad told me when I was 16,
after I got sentenced,
You know, son, this is gonna be a long walk.
This long walk of longing
and looking toward the horizon.
I've been hella hopeful.
Just hoping that
the judge will resentence me
and then let me go home.
[JUDGE] Calling The People vs. James Jacobs.
[DEFENSE ATTORNEY] The request is still to resentence him.
[JUDGE] The District Attorney's Office is not willing to concede
that Mr. Jacobs should be resentenced.
On the issue of whether or not the court is going to resentence the defendant,
the court is not going to take that on today.
Prison is a trap.
Our justice system is a trap.
If you're walking through the wilderness of America,
and they get you in that trap,
they not letting you go.
I don't think that D.A. looked at who I was.
I think he looked at the fact that
he had the opportunity to say no.
Never will they say,
That trap is inhumane.
Let me get it off this bear's foot.
They wanna mount you on a wall.
Never will they say,
That noose is too tight.
Let me cut this person down off this tree.
They intended
to lynch us.
I ain't doin' no more runnin'
These niggas after my rose gold
The Johnnies after my freedom
The Devil racin' for my soul
I just pray to God that I beat him
I never been a retreater
Never been an elitist
I never trusted the leaders, on me
How I'm 'posed to trust 'em When they killed Malcolm
Killed Oscar, killed Tray And killed Michael?
The most hunted species in America
Is a Black male
White cop shoot you down
And justify it with genocidal blackmail
Like, "Y'all killin' y'all selves"
And though we shoot people With similar faces
It still don't change the fact That you a racist
It still don't change the fact The system's broken
And the pain the homies feel Go forever unspoken, like
If the legal system don't give me life
I'll prolly get shot by my own kind
I'll prolly get popped with my own nine
Somebody in the hood will put it online
If the legal system don't give me life
I'll prolly get shot by my own kind
I'll prolly get popped with my own nine
Somebody in the hood Will put that shit on WorldStar
Crime waves
Sittin' bored while the news reports the
Crime waves
Sittin' bored while the news reports the
Yeah
While the news reports the
While the news reports the crime waves
While the news reports the
'Cause momma got pain in her back
The weight of the stress My brother got wet
She prayin' her youngest adapt To that sea floor
Where we see shells From the seashores of a MAC
Get caught in that wave And you'll never swim back
Eighty degrees With a slight chance of breeze
From the MACs that be blowin' I'm blowin' on trees
Try'na find me relief
'Cause my momma keep sayin' She prayin' for me
Shit can get deep
Niggas don't swim We just float in the beach
No paddle, just feet
From the shoulders, I'm bold And the homies is deep
And I put that on me
Real niggas don't live They get killed by a Yee
Either that or police Swear they huntin' for me
Young n8tives servin' crack, my nigga Better watch the cracks, my nigga
'Cause them n8tives totin' MACs that'll Break your momma's back, my nigga
Can't bring your momma back, my nigga When them n8tives ratta-tat, my nigga
Born in the era of crack
So I'm mindin' my step Thru the boundary lines
'Cause momma got pain in her back
The weight of the stress My brother got wet
She prayin' her youngest adapt
To that sea floor
Where we see shells From the seashores of a MAC
You get caught in that wave And you'll never swim back
Niggas press niggas every day
"What's hap'nen, where you from Where your grandma stay?"
Niggas flockin' where your grandma stay
Hustlas on the block burner'd up
Fuck around and sell your grandma yey
Sippin' Grand Marnier
It's crackin' every day
In the City by the Sea
Niggas crackin' every day
Compton, Watts, and L.A. Know we get it crackin' every day
Crime waves
Sittin' bored while the news reports the
Crime waves
Sittin' bored while the news reports the
Crime waves
Sittin' bored while the news reports the Crime waves
While the news reports the crime waves
While the news reports the
Born in the era of crack
So I'm mindin' my step Thru the boundary lines
'Cause momma got pain in her back
The weight of the stress My brother got wet
She prayin' her youngest adapt
To that sea floor
Where we see shells From the seashores of a MAC
You get caught in that wave And you'll never swim back
Hey, Mommy.
You still walk on the beach on Sundays?
I had just had a birthday.
And so, the weekend came, and my mom came to see me,
my mom and ReeRee.
I can tell something's wrong with my mom and Reneasha.
Like, they kinda off.
Like, they're smiling but you know, like,
their smiles are painted on.
And I look at ReeRee.
I look back at my mom, like,
What's going on?
And my mom is just like,
It's nothing.
And she keeps looking, like her eyes keep darting to Reneasha.
And she's like, Who is that?
Who's that guy right there?
And I'm like...
And she just pauses for a minute,
and my mom looks back up at me,
and she says, That's him.
And without her having to explain like, who the "him" is,
I know exactly who she means.
That's who killed Victor.
I just froze.
I realized how long I've been living
next to this man.
My mom just, like, grabs my arm,
and she says, James, don't kill him.
I want you to come home.
But it also
communicated to me that you don't have permission to kill him,
but you have permission to do whatever else you wanna do.
And I knew that's what she meant.
That night, I was just in my cell.
You know, I was crying.
I was... I was livid.
I was so angry with God.
I asked God, like, Why would you put this man in front of me,
knowing that I'm trying to go home,
knowing that I have to...
I have to
kill this dude?
This dude killed my brother.
I was so angry
that God would allow this man to even be in my presence
and put me in the predicament where I had...
I felt I had to do something to him
when, in my heart,
I really just wanted to forgive.
The world doesn't really understand forgiveness.
And in particular, prison culture does not have space
for forgiveness.
It is seen as a weakness.
God put me in a position
to either appear weak to people
that I believed were predatory
or give up my freedom.
That night, I just prayed.
You know what I have to do, like...
Like, why would you make me do this?
And as clear as
you hearing my voice right now,
I heard God say, Ain't nobody making you do nothing.
And it just echoed over and over...
And then I thought about the scripture,
If you do not forgive,
you will not be forgiven.
And more than anything in my life,
more than I want anything in my life,
at that moment, I just wanted to be forgiven.
I wanted the family that I hurt to forgive me
and to know that I understand what I did to them.
More than anything,
I wanted that.
And here it was, I had the opportunity
to give that to somebody.
So the next morning,
we come out for breakfast,
and I said, Man, is your name Jamaal Smith?
And he says, Yeah.
Like, you knew that though.
I was like, Naw, I always knew your name was Jay. Like...
Your name is Jamaal Smith.
And he was like, Yeah.
Tears start coming down my face.
And I said, Man, you kill my brother.
And the first thing out of his mouth was,
I'm sorry for what I took from you, bro.
He said to me,
I'm sorry for what I did to your family.
And
I believed him.
I believed he was really sorry.
I asked him why he killed my brother,
and he told me the story.
And...
it was senseless.
It was for nothing.
The same way my crime was for nothing and it was senseless.
And I just told him,
Man, I forgive you.
If you want my forgiveness, you have it.
And I got up and left.
What came to me was the first time we met
and how connected I felt to him then
and how much I saw his humanity
in hearing him talk about the crime.
And realizing that the crime he had committed
was against me and my family,
it was heavy.
The police found out,
they caught wind that he was convicted of killing Victor.
And for CDCR,
rather than facilitate reconciliation and healing,
they looked at it as a liability.
And so, they interviewed both of us.
And when the lieutenant walked in,
he just was like, Hey, man, send this guy back to his cell.
Send the other guy to the hole.
He says,
When you get back to your cell,
you get on your knees and you praise God,
because you passed his test.
You've passed.
Going into the hole,
I felt
a sense of peace
because I had done something that I didn't think I was capable of doing,
or I didn't think I would actually do it.
Scripture tells us, you know,
what the devil intends for evil, God intends for good.
So, isolation is intended
to isolate the spirit of a human.
That's what was happening in the hole.
I was in isolation, sure,
like, humanly.
But God was with me the whole time.
And it was clear what I had to do. I had to work.
I needed to use this gift
that God has given me to talk about something significant.
And as I'm writing these songs, I don't know if they're significant.
I don't know if they'll matter to the world, but
I went into writing with that posture of heart.
Like, say something that matters.
Say what's important.
Ay yo, you n8tives need to realize
That most of these niggas that can rap Be kickin' real lies
Man, on the real I'm droppin' science like I'm Bill Nye
'Cause all these niggas got it twisted Time to realign
Man eighty nah-wan-romp Me want me peace of mind
I ask the Lord for some protection Plus I keep a nine
In case these zombies cravin' flesh And want a piece of mine
I pray the Lord their souls will wake up From my freedom rhymes
I feed 'em rhymes from a level Where they wanna be
Come follow me 'Cause the good you see is God in me
As you progress, you'll start to see The struggle gotta be
Somewhere between some kinda blessin' Or the hardest thing
I'm on my deen try'na elevate and maintain
My altitude I'm try'na move Crowds toward change
Like I'm Obama On my momma, niggas keep playin'
When life get hard and hella serious I keep prayin'
I keep prayin', man
When I walk thru the shadow of death
I realize I must uplift
But if I die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take up
When I walk thru the shadow of death
I realize I must uplift
But if I die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take up
I pray that one day I make it up to the heavens
I pray that one day I stop trippin' off that Satin
I pray for all my friends And all my enemies
Sometimes it hard To tell the difference in between
I pray that one day I make it up to the heavens
I pray that one day I stop trippin' off that Satin
I pray for all my friends And all my enemies
Sometimes it hard To tell the difference in between
I feel affirmed
in who I am
and who I've decided to be.
My mission to create art,
my mission to help heal other people
and heal myself and heal community,
that is what you're supposed to be doing. Now go do it.
It's like waiting on the bus
when you, like,
sitting on a boulevard, you sitting at the bus stop,
and you're like, When is this bus gon' pull up?
And you kind of walk to the middle of the street
to, like, look down the road to see if it's coming,
and
waiting on freedom feels like that.
I feel ready to have the conversation with the board,
because I know who I am.
Huh?
It didn't go our way, Pop.
I can't believe it, Dad.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Dad.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Dad.
I don't know what more I could do, Dad.
I don't know what more I could do.
Like, I don't know who I have to be.
They don't believe me.
They don't believe who I am.
They don't believe me, man.
They don't believe me.
And there's nothing I can do about it.
There's nothing I can do about it.
They talked about the fact that
I contributed work to an album
called Defund the Sheriff.
They talked about them using my face
to change the law for youthful offenders,
and they said that all the work that I'm doing,
my art and the advocacy work,
they say that it's all just to build my brand
or to get me out of prison,
but it's not real.
'Cause they used all these things to say that
I'm a clear and present danger to the community.
I'm dangerous, they said.
I can't believe it.
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe, Pop.
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe, man.
It's too much.
It's too much. I can't be perfect.
I'mma fail.
I ain't gonna give up.
You got my word, Dad.
I promise you that.
I promise you, Dad. I ain't gonna never give up.
I promise you I'm gonna get out of here, Dad.
I promise you. I'mma make it to you.
I promise.
I promise you, I ain't gon' give up.
I promise you.
I promise you, Dad.
I promise.
I love you.
Indigo has been telling me,
practically since we met,
that I need to, like,
give space
for 15-year-old James,
that still lives in me,
and tackle
his issues.
If only you understood me,
you'll see my humanity.
The day after board,
I had to write down a list of reasons...
What y'all up to?
Crazy.
That's crazy.
ReeRee getting older faster.
I remember my dad, he first realized that I was taller than him,
he was like, Boy, when did this happen?
He's little now.
I'mma talk to y'all soon.
Bye, y'all.
Jamaal wrote me a letter.
I was in the hole
for about three months,
and they transferred me to another prison,
and I never saw him again.
Can you please relay the same
to your mother?
I wanted to write her too
but I really am at a loss of words on that one.
In the darkest moments,
I do not know
my significance.
I do not know the impact
that I have had on
the people in my life,
and I do not know if I will ever have an impact.
But when I have clarity,
I can see clearly how I've impacted people,
how my art has impacted people.
I tell the brothers in here a little bit about Jamaal,
how I forgave Jamaal.
Every day,
every day, there's multiple people who
are walking up to me
that I don't know, who are like,
Man, you really inspired me.
The things you said about
forgiveness and love
and the things you say about
how to live for family
and live for community
has made me
think about my life.
And they thank me
for just telling my story and telling
my perspective about things.
It's in those moments where I realize
that I am making an impact on people's lives.
I am doing some good in this world
just by being me.
I authentically believe
in the utility of nonviolence
and the utility of art to tell our stories
and the utility of being vulnerable.
I don't need to perform that.
Authentically, that is me.
And in those moments,
I know that...
Enjoyin' this life 'Cause this life got a limit
I don't take nothin' for granted
'Cause nothin' is given, no
We are all runnin' out of time
So I think that we should have a good time
I just wanna have a good time
Who need a club When the kick back is crackin'?
Call up the homegirls And turn up the classics
Backyard is poppin' like back in the day
Eyeing my ex-girl from back in the day
These are the days Roll up and turn up the Maze
I done lived life in a cage
Life can get strange But we gon' get thru it
Just turn up the music
And let's all go craze
Some of the homies done got shot Some of the homies done got locked
Gotta put in they time
So if you wonder why eighty gon' turn up
It's 'cause niggas been livin' Like turnips
That's some vegetable minds It ain't no messin' with mines
N8tive Angelino my celestial tribe
Searchin' for the meaning We enjoyin' the life
And only peace is welcome We avoidin' the strife
When I'm destroyin' the mic, it's like I'm
Enjoyin' this life 'Cause this life got a limit
I don't take nothin' for granted
'Cause nothin' is given, no
We are all runnin' out of time
So I think that we should have a good time
I just wanna have a good time
We are all runnin' out of time
I just wanna have a good time
Party so hard Neighbors hope a nigga move out
Countin' my blessings And I just might lose count
People pulled on me But the gun ain't shoot
Cops let me go like "Nah, it ain't you"
Since when that ever mattered That's just God lookin' over me
Even though what I am Ain't half of what I hope to be
I say that openly God's lookin' over me
Even though what I am Ain't half of what I hope to be
So please pardon me If I party like an artist
With his name on a marquee I done saw things
People dream When they come back from the war, on me
Music is the medicine, I'm try'na O.D.
Dance 'til there's pain in my feet
Steppin', reppin' City by the Sea
Homie, shout out to the Beach
If you feel me wave your hands to the beat
Sing along with me even if you off-key
'Cause we all just
I've been thinking about freedom
since the day I got locked up
when I was 15.
I've been thinking about that for 18 years.
I feel like I've been
imagining freedom day so much
that I know exactly what it looks like.
It does feel like...