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[James] The isolation of being in a box by yourself
and being left only with your mind...
[discordant ringing]
[James] ...that isolation can be crushing sometimes.
But when God steps in, it becomes something different.
That's what was happening in the hole.
♪ Climb up, higher ♪
♪ Over, ah yeah ♪
[hopeful music playing]
[James] If I could go back and talk to
15-year-old James,
I would have a conversation with him about
who he is.
♪ Ah yeah ♪
♪ Ah... ♪
[James] I've been ignoring my younger self,
trying to bury him
and blaming him for me being here.
At some point,
you have to choose your own healing.
♪ I'm gonna climb up over This side of the door ♪
♪ I swear ♪
♪ I swear I will climb up over, yeah ♪
♪ Over, ah yeah ♪
♪ Hey ♪
[song ends]
[birds squawking]
[James] My first birthday in prison, I turned 16.
[gentle music playing]
[James] I can't remember what that day was like,
but last night, my birthday,
as I went to sleep,
I was just thinking like,
I've had 16 birthdays in here.
Like, I literally grew up in prison.
It would be accurate for people to ask me where I'm from,
and I say, California state prisons.
[gentle music continues]
[James] I don't like the month of April.
First and foremost,
April 16th is the day I took a life.
It's a hard anniversary to always acknowledge
the worst thing you've ever done in your life.
Three days later, April 19th,
my brother was murdered.
I am always aware of this trauma.
I'm always aware of what I did
and what happened to Victor.
April is just a reminder
of the most devastating time of my life.
Every year.
[pulsating beat playing]
[James] I was 25 years old.
The sergeant calls me into the office.
My hands are cuffed behind my back,
and he says,
Send him to the hole.
[music ends]
[James] And the hole is
solitary confinement.
The hole was probably
a six-by-six box.
And I stayed in the hole
for about two and a half months.
Being in here,
death always feels imminent.
I have to manufacture hope.
And the way I manufacture hope is by writing music.
And I'd usually, like, lay on the floor
and just close my eyes and meditate
and imagine my life outside of prison.
[pulsating beat resumes]
[James] I was trying to, like, write music,
and I would just, like, make beats on my chest or on the bunk
and just, like, come up with songs.
And my neighbor,
he would, like, hear me write these songs
and be like, Oh, that's a good one, youngster.
And I would like, you know, sing it
through that little thin wall to him
so he can give me feedback.
♪ It's a trip! ♪
♪ Ah, it's crazy ♪
♪ It's so crazy how we live and die ♪
[James] Telling the stories is like
constantly reliving the trauma,
but I feel more comfortable
telling it in song.
["Letter to the Homies" playing]
♪ I wonder if heaven is real ♪
♪ I wonder if I can appeal ♪
♪ To the mercy of God 'Cause sin got me caught ♪
♪ My father said, "God will forgive" ♪
♪ When you thuggin' And thuggin' for real ♪
♪ You tellin' yourself not to feel You sayin', "It's nothin'" ♪
♪ You flexin' and clutchin' ♪
♪ On pistols and itchin' to kill ♪
♪ Anybody risin' up against your faction ♪
♪ You and your n8tives be takin' action ♪
♪ Rollin' 20's and my Baby niggas ♪
♪ Mac Mafia and Ler niggas ♪
♪ Mindin' our step on the Sea Floor ♪
♪ Try'na blow up like we C-4 ♪
♪ Searchin' for purpose In Purple and Pills ♪
♪ Fightin' our conscience And hidin' our ills ♪
♪ It's a trip ♪
[James] Memories are crucial
in maintaining your sanity in prison.
I remember, maybe accurately or inaccurately,
but I remember things from my childhood,
and I relive them sitting on that bunk.
And it reminds me that
I was a person
and I am a person
before being incarcerated.
[automated voice] You have 60 seconds remaining.
[birds chirping]
[keys jangling in lock]
[James] Growing up in that church,
mothers of the church would call me Little William
after my dad or Little Elder
after my dad.
This is the area where the youngsters would sit.
[James] It was cool to grow up
and sing in the choir.
[William] And they would be in the choir section of the church stand,
which is directly in front of me here.
And, um, they would come and perform on the platform there.
[children singing] ♪ Be near me, Lord Jesus, I ask... ♪
[William] His mom directed children's choir,
so he and his sister would perform, and even Victor performed.
[William on video] We have some talented children in this church,
and God wants to use them.
Can I get an amen?
- [congregants] Amen! - Praise the Lord.
[William] My thing was to raise them in the church
and give them a different set of values.
That was my way of trying to keep them safe
from things that could hurt them.
[applause on video]
[gentle music playing]
- [woman 1] Here is James. - [woman 2] Mr. James.
- He was teething. His teeth was coming in. - [woman 1] Uh-huh. He was a crybaby, too.
[woman 2] He was?
- [woman 1] Yeah. - How old was he in this picture?
[woman 1] He was about... five months.
And he would always tell me, I have a lot of hair.
[laughing] I said, Boy, you ain't have a lot of hair.
- You wanted to have a lot of hair. - [laughing] Aw!
Our older brother, Victor.
- [Janine] Mm-hmm. - Thirteen?
[Janine] Fourteen or thirteen-- Thirteen or 14 on that picture.
- [laughs] - [Janine] Big cheeks.
Wait a minute. Look at this one.
This is me, James, and Victor.
We dropped him off over my grandmother's house.
We thought he was gonna be gone forever. I don't even remember, like...
[Janine] You guys were so used to being around each other.
- [Reneasha] Right. - [Janine] So...
But definitely-- Look at how...
[Janine] Victor, he was a good big brother.
He watched out for James. He watched out for Reneasha.
He loved his siblings.
Him and James would get into it,
but he was a big brother showing him, this is how it is in the street,
because Victor was also a street person.
[downbeat guitar music playing]
[Janine] I don't think he had an excuse to go out
and gangbang or whatever he had to do.
But I think he felt like he had to prove himself.
[James] Victor was
both protective
and a bully,
dominating me as his little brother,
but then not letting anybody else do it.
I remember
having asthma really bad as a kid and just being on my bike,
trying to keep up with Vic and his friends,
and we're like far away from home,
and I don't have my inhaler,
and I have this really bad asthma attack.
And he puts me on his bike
and rides me all the way home.
I didn't know that...
that life would catch up to him.
♪ I remember when I couldn't hang out ♪
♪ Now I wonder how life's 'Bout to play out ♪
♪ Feelin' trapped Is gon' start to feel played out ♪
♪ When your homie can hoop He your way out ♪
♪ Havin' dreams for yourself Is so way out ♪
♪ When these niggas Is testin' you straight out ♪
♪ And this life is a carnival playhouse And these streets is a maze ♪
♪ I'm amazed how we... ♪
♪ Went from shootin' at hoops In the backyard ♪
♪ On me ♪
♪ And wheelyin' bikes Up the Boulevard to ♪
♪ A colorless world ♪
♪ Full of black hearts like Cain ♪
♪ Now I travel this world With a black mark ♪
♪ It's a trip ♪
♪ It's crazy ♪
♪ It's so crazy ♪
♪ How we live and die ♪
♪ It's crazy ♪
♪ It's so crazy ♪
♪ It's a trip ♪
♪ It's crazy ♪
♪ It's so crazy ♪
[James] When Victor first got arrested, I don't remember what he went in for.
I just remember feeling like
they took my brother.
They took my brother.
I remember being told
one day in the morning
that Victor had a court date.
And I remember sitting in the back of my fifth grade class,
and I just prayed.
God, please let my brother come home today.
I miss him, my mommy miss him, my daddy miss him, God,
so please let Victor come home.
[music continues]
[James] I looked up to him,
followed him around and,
you know, tried to be like him.
I remember feeling like a lacking in my life
and trying to replace him
with other guys his age or older.
And these guys wound up being, like, the older homies
that I gangbanged with.
I grew up
in gang culture.
Like, being from a gang was expected
where I was from.
By the time I was 15,
I had made my mind up
that I was gonna be, like,
the...
hardest nigga from the gang.
Willing to be, like,
more violent than anybody else.
And I was getting a lot of praise from that.
[gun cocks]
Having access to guns
was like having access to a bike.
They everywhere.
[bullet casing clatters]
[gentle music playing]
[James] Church stopped being a central part of my life
when my parents' marriage split.
Everything was a lie.
We actually don't love each other.
We actually don't love you.
And
God may not really care about you.
But self-betrayal
is the worst betrayal.
♪ Betrayal ♪
♪ You was my nigga Tell me why you wanna ♪
♪ Friends and enemies all ♪
♪ Look the same when you ball ♪
♪ While awaitin' your fall They just be countin' your flaws ♪
♪ Just the plight of a boss ♪
♪ Weighin' out every loss ♪
♪ Like, if I buy out the bar ♪
♪ How many friends will it cost ♪
♪ Sippin' Rémy then draw ♪
♪ On the hemp leaf and fall ♪
♪ To my knees to my God ♪
♪ 'Cause even Jesus got crossed ♪
♪ Who can tell me any better ♪
♪ How to handle it all ♪
♪ When money fool 'em It turns your shooter to Judas an' all ♪
♪ Good God ♪
♪ It's just a sign of the times ♪
♪ Betrayal from your nigga Weighs heavy on your mind ♪
♪ He don't know loyalty ♪
♪ So when you need lawyer fees ♪
♪ He won't give a dime ♪
♪ But he'll prolly drop a dime ♪
♪ Take the stand, raise his hand ♪
♪ Help 'em give you time ♪
♪ I was only 15 When you helped 'em give me mine ♪
♪ They told me you was tellin' And I told them they was lyin' ♪
♪ Little did I know you was tellin' ♪
♪ The whole time ♪
♪ Damn ♪
♪ Betrayal, betrayal ♪
♪ Discreet with your deceit, on me ♪
♪ You plot ♪
♪ For my defeat, on me ♪
♪ You was my nigga ♪
♪ Tell me why you wanna kill me ♪
♪ Loyalties get amended when ♪
♪ Niggas facin' sentencin' To a world they never ventured in ♪
♪ Where death and God is intimate Regret is ever present ♪
♪ Solitude is ushered in ♪
♪ Only to the plight of many men ♪
♪ Where there is ocean There is plenty sand ♪
♪ Where there is friends There is plenty sin ♪
♪ I pray to God You pray to God just to make amends ♪
♪ You took the life of your own man ♪
♪ No gun was needed Just a mic and stand ♪
♪ Damn ♪
♪ I pray to God ♪
♪ You pray to God just to make amends ♪
♪ You took the life of your own man ♪
♪ No gun was needed ♪
♪ Just a mic and stand ♪
♪ Raise your right hand ♪
♪ Damn ♪
♪ Betrayal, betrayal ♪
♪ Discreet with your deceit, on me ♪
♪ You plot for my defeat, on me ♪
♪ You was my nigga Tell me why you wanna kill me ♪
♪ Tell me why ♪
♪ Betrayal, betrayal ♪
[William] James' middle school graduation picture.
He got his hair in cornrows. Think he's tough.
He was the best man at my wedding.
See, there he is giving me a toast.
I don't remember exactly what he said. [laughs]
But there he is. That's my boy right there, though.
It was all around at that time when all that trouble came.
[Mama Jackie] From the time that we got married to the incident,
it was eight months.
So, I had a lot of interaction with James.
And I was rather shocked about what had happened.
[discordant ringing]
[James] When Victor came home from
juvenile prison,
he was calling me Lil' James.
And I remember, like, poking my chest out and telling him
that I ain't Lil' James no more. Like...
I'm a man out here.
[somber music playing]
[James] Violence and violent acts
were a tool that I used for everything.
Argue with somebody at school, fight 'em.
And shooting somebody was like
the ultimate act of violence.
This is what is gon' make people
respect me.
This is what's gon' make me worthy
of the fear and popularity
that comes with being a gangsta.
I remember having a conversation
with the homie at the time.
We were the same age.
Bro, we gotta, like... We gotta get us a gun and...
Like, I'm ready to, like,
shoot the ops, like, it's nothing.
I'm out here.
He's like, I'll shoot somebody, but I don't know if I can kill somebody.
And I, like, dismissed it,
like, Bro, you trippin'.
This is what we out here doing. What are you talking about?
Like, this is what it is.
I had convinced myself
that I was willing to do it before I even did it.
And that moment...
I just felt like this is the moment to prove, like,
I'm that nigga from the hood.
And here it was someone
walking through my hood
offering me a challenge.
Like, doggin' each other,
and like, I'm in my hood. I don't have to break eye contact.
You supposed to break eye contact with me.
I went to a older homie,
and
he gave me the gun.
[music stops]
[James] The young man steps into the street
prepared to fight me,
and I shoot him.
And I run away.
[somber music resumes]
[James] And I walked around for, like, an hour and a half
before I made it back to the homie house
who gave me the gun.
And I expected, like,
to arrive to cheers,
I guess.
And instead, what I got was like,
Nigga, what did you do?
Nigga, the police finna be on you.
Like, Nigga, this ain't no party.
This ain't no song
where you can just rap about doing something and then
in three minutes it's over with, and you go back to living your life.
This ain't that.
[beads rattling]
[Janine] My son was crying out,
but I didn't hear him.
He was crying-- This kid was crying out.
[sobbing] He was 15 years old, crying out, but I didn't hear him.
I didn't hear his cry.
[muted gasp]
[Janine] He was crying out before he got himself in trouble.
He was crying out.
But where was I? Where was his dad?
[William] I got the case file from James' attorney.
When I began to see some of the stuff in here, it was...
it was really, really, really hard. Um...
The crime scene,
the victim autopsy report, and all that stuff,
I just... I don't look at that at all.
I can't deal with it.
[papers rustling]
Sad moment.
[somber music playing]
[William] James committed a crime,
and three days later, my son Victor is deceased.
These two events, they're happening at the same time.
I was just totally out of it.
Couldn't function. It was like I lost it, in a way.
[gentle music playing]
[James] I had this dream of Victor once.
Victor was, like, going into the alley,
and he was about to get in this car.
And I was calling him. I was like, Vic!
And he looked back at me,
and he just smiled.
He was just like,
It's gon' be alright, bro.
And he got in the car and drove off.
[music turns menacing]
♪ They comin', they comin' ♪
- [engine revs] - [siren wails]
♪ Keep runnin', keep runnin' ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, they comin', they comin' ♪
♪ On me, I swear that we the most hunted ♪
♪ If the legal system don't give me life ♪
♪ I'll prolly get shot by my own kind ♪
♪ I'll prolly get popped With my own nine ♪
♪ Somebody in the hood Will put it online ♪
♪ If the legal system don't give me life ♪
♪ I'll prolly get shot by my own kind ♪
♪ I'll prolly get popped With my own nine ♪
♪ Somebody in the hood Will put it online ♪
♪ Why you think I smoke weed? ♪
♪ Johnnies pull me over I'mma break 'fore they smoke me ♪
♪ I'mma pop 'fore they smoke me ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm a child of Assata On the low key ♪
♪ In the city by the blue sea ♪
♪ You spot a Johnny That's a red flag, true speech ♪
♪ Crips let their pants sag And they pop heat ♪
♪ Eses wanna see me dead And lying in the street, peep ♪
♪ If I see 'em ridin' two deep If I ever hear them tires screech ♪
[tires screeching]
♪ I'mma take cover then draw my heat ♪
♪ Buss and break like Craig and Smokey ♪
♪ 'Cause if the legal system Don't give me life ♪
♪ I'll prolly get shot by my own kind ♪
♪ I'll prolly get popped With my own nine ♪
♪ Somebody in the hood Will put it online ♪
♪ If the legal system don't give me life ♪
♪ I'll prolly get shot by my own kind ♪
♪ I'll prolly get popped With my own nine ♪
♪ Somebody in the hood Will put it online ♪
♪ Durin' the hook The government launched four drones ♪
♪ Still I need a Glock To walk Smoke home ♪
♪ I ain't a man with it ♪
♪ I'm a man without it ♪
♪ The problem is They don't see a man unless I got it ♪
♪ Yeah, this the story of lost innocence ♪
♪ Since I was 12, I had the inner sense ♪
♪ That I was guilty and they asked Till I could prove my innocence ♪
♪ And I've been guilty ever since ♪
♪ On me ♪
♪ Participatin' in genocide ♪
♪ Killin' niggas from other tribes ♪
♪ Fathers mourned and mothers cried Still nobody know the reasons why ♪
♪ We the most wanted, most hunted ♪
♪ No frontin', stay blunted, stay gunnin' Stay runnin', until we all extinct ♪
♪ The government tellin' us That terrorists on they way ♪
♪ I swear they only want us to think ♪
- [gunshot] - [music stops]
[eerie, plaintive music playing]
[Janine] I had a dream.
It was said that everything's gonna be alright.
And it kept repeating in the dream that I had.
It's gonna be alright. It's gonna be alright.
I think it was three days later when the police came
and knocked on my door at four o'clock in the morning.
It was the strangest feeling ever.
And told me that my son got killed.
That was the most horrible... feeling I ever felt in my life.
Like I was in a nightmare.
[music ends]
[James] I was mourning my brother,
mourning his loss...
[gentle music playing]
...and the reoccurring thought that kept showing up was,
I did the same thing to another family.
Like, this is exactly how they feel.
[Janine] Every day, I was there.
I didn't miss a day when my son was going through the trial.
What I really noticed is the mother.
We was in the same position because she had a son that died,
and I had a son that passed at the same time.
And I'm sure, to this day, she miss her son.
That was her son.
[music intensifies]
[James] I remember at my sentencing,
they said 40 years to life plus life.
And I looked up at my lawyer,
and I was like, So when do I go home?
And she just looked at me like,
Baby, you don't even understand what just happened.
You don't.
♪ Orange jumper oversized ♪
♪ Tears fill my parents' eyes ♪
♪ Judge gave me 40 life ♪
♪ 40 days, 40 nights ♪
♪ Prayed the passions of the Christ Lord Jesus give me life ♪
♪ Demons haunt me every night ♪
♪ I contemplated suicide ♪
♪ I ain't gon' lie Sometimes I wish that I had tried ♪
♪ I'm tired of living this life ♪
♪ Seems every mornin' I die ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ I swear I done changed though ♪
♪ Forgive me ♪
♪ I'm different ♪
♪ I swear that I changed ♪
♪ I'm seeing things different ♪
♪ Now I can't control All these thoughts that's flowin' ♪
♪ I scatter these patterns that matter I manifest thoughts into matter ♪
♪ That's why you can feel it Revealin' these pivotal matters ♪
♪ I pray that the Lord send a ladder So I can climb outta this grave ♪
♪ On me ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm sick of just being a slave ♪
♪ On me ♪
♪ All my, my, my ♪
♪ My mistakes, I own 'em all ♪
♪ I don't make excuse at all ♪
♪ What I did was more than wrong ♪
♪ But I won't thank you for these walls ♪
♪ State oppression weighs a ton ♪
♪ My depression goes and comes ♪
♪ Roller coastin' isn't fun ♪
♪ Doin' life is livin' slumped ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm dead to the world ♪
♪ Dead to my homies and my girl I ain't got a letter in a minute ♪
♪ I was only 15 when a nigga Fell up in here ♪
♪ I been in here for a minute ♪
♪ Now a nigga try'na To finish out strong ♪
♪ On me ♪
♪ My Pops sayin', "Son, be strong" ♪
♪ I'm tryin' ♪
♪ Life's too short I got no time to waste ♪
♪ Go time, it's no time to play ♪
♪ Flow bound to open the gates ♪
♪ And flood the game with realness ♪
♪ I pray that the public feel this ♪
♪ This is for Bloods and real Crips G-Ds' Lords should feel this ♪
♪ 'Cause this is what a thug Is filled with ♪
♪ When the trauma is real Tears from your momma is real ♪
♪ When you tell her you lost your appeal How you s'posed to feel? ♪
♪ When you get the feelin' that she got The feelin' your fate has be sealed ♪
♪ For real ♪
♪ The trauma was real Tears from my momma was real ♪
♪ I told her I lost my appeal ♪
♪ How I'm s'pose to feel When I got the feelin' ♪
♪ That she got the feelin' My fate has been sealed? ♪
♪ And I'm feelin' ♪
♪ Overwhelmed ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
[song ends]
[bird cooing]
[James] I always wonder where Victor is.
I know he's not in pain, but I also don't know where he is.
And that's kind of what goes through my mind.
Where is my brother?
[gentle music playing]
[James] When Reneasha was pregnant with Naaji,
and she was telling me, you know,
I'm due any day.
It was very clear
that we were coming up on an anniversary
for the death of Victor.
And so, when Naaji was born
on April 19th,
the day Victor was murdered,
it feels like God gave us
a gift
on a hard day.
[Naaji speaking indistinctly]
[rustling]
- [Reneasha, annoyed] Naaji. - [Janine] What are you doing?
[Reneasha] Please!
I wanna go to sleep.
[Naaji] Are we going to the graveyard?
- I don't know. - We don't know yet, Pop.
'Cause it's gonna be late. Go upstairs with that if you're gonna hit it.
And I didn't get no flowers.
[sighs] I don't... I don't know.
[William] In the beginning, it was every Sunday.
It was every Sunday for months, I would come
and spend some time right here.
And I would go see his brother James, in juvenile hall,
and then I would come and see him or vice versa.
I would go... come see him and then go see James, depend.
And, um... [tuts]
...that went on for a long time.
I cried all the time.
And it was a part of my grieving process. I had to be here.
Victor's murder trial started after James' trial ended.
And that was another ordeal.
Whatever happens here, it's not gonna change anything.
You know, it's not gonna give me my son back.
[somber music playing]
[William] The gentleman was found guilty of first-degree murder.
And he was a young guy around the same age as my son, Victor,
at the time. He was a young man.
We had opportunities to speak to the court, and I did.
I-I kind of felt sorry for him,
because now, not only is my son's life gone,
his too, in a way.
And I said to him that, Now you're in a situation,
and I pray that, you know, my thing is that you do the right thing to come home.
So that's what I said to him.
[Reneasha] The cold thing is I know his sister.
We grew up together. We went to school together,
and I had no idea.
So I'm seeing her, and she's just crying
because, you know, her brother's going away for life.
When they sentenced Jamaal Smith 25 years to life,
I was not really satisfied, honestly.
You took my son. You took his life.
Over what?
[somber music playing]
[Janine] I still grieve my son.
Every time when his birthday come
or every time on the day that his life was taken,
I'm constantly thinking about the son that I lost.
I'm constantly thinking about the son that I lost in the system.
[echoing vocalizations]
[water splashing]
[waves crashing]
[James] I imagine that
the person who killed Vic,
I just imagine him being like
another one of us.
[echoing] Another one of us.
Somebody who was just in the streets
playing his role
in what happens in street culture.
[ominous music playing]
[James] I remember thinking like,
you know, if I caught up with him,
I was gon' beat him up.
Or, you know,
worse.
There was times where I was like, I'mma kill this fool when I catch him.
Just really, like,
battling with hating this dude who was,
for the most part,
an imaginary figure in my mind.
I didn't know who he was or what he looked like,
or I didn't really know his name.
When I first got to the prison I was in,
I remember, like, walking into the small dayroom.
One of the guys in the dayroom was
a guy named Jay,
who was reflecting on the crime
that he had committed
and how
senseless it was.
So I, like,
really had a conversation
with him in particular
about, like, how much regret
and just remorse he had
for the murder he had committed.
He really showed his humanity to me,
and I was able to, like, see him.
Seeing his humanity
in relation
to the worst thing
he had ever done in his life,
reminded me of my own humanity
in relation to the worst thing
I had ever done.
[automated voice] You have 60 seconds remaining.
[discordant ringing]
[James] I had blocked it out.
I had blocked out the image
of him falling to the ground after I shot him...
[somber music playing]
...for years
because that was the moment where I realized
the significance of what I had done.
So, I blocked it out.
And now I live with it.
I see it.
It...
It spiraled me. Like...
By the time I was 19 years old,
I was so convinced
that I wasn't worth anything
that I wanted to take my life.
Like, I would do everybody a favor
if I killed myself.
[music fades out]
[ethereal music playing]
[James] If you look in my eyes,
it's like,
like zombie,
in every sense of the word.
Like...
I ain't even there.
Like,
I ain't even there.
[music intensifies]
["Steel Grave" playing]
♪ Livin' in a steel grave ♪
♪ It's hard here ♪
♪ It's cold here, it's dark here ♪
♪ It's no air ♪
♪ I can't breathe I can't see, I can't sleep ♪
♪ I can't believe they got me ♪
♪ Livin' in the belly of the underworld ♪
♪ Blood suckas liken themselves ♪
♪ To famous kings of the underworld ♪
♪ Things get drastic When Dracula wants to eat ♪
♪ Keep a stake or be a steak When it's time to feast ♪
♪ A martyr soul ♪
♪ Doors are closed, I'm buried deep ♪
♪ Writin' flows, and pacing flows ♪
♪ I barely sleep ♪
♪ Eighteen, a canned teen ♪
♪ Waitin' on canteen ♪
♪ Can't seem to shake free Of these memories ♪
♪ Jurors said, "Lynch 'em" So they lynched 'em ♪
♪ Man, this can't be life, on me Somebody better pinch 'em ♪
♪ Johnnies calls him "Nigger" When he turn his back to 'em ♪
♪ OGs give him knowledge ♪
♪ Like it's Similac for him ♪
♪ He gon' need that ♪
♪ When it goes down, it goes down ♪
♪ Chaos is the norm ♪
♪ Whenever time slows down ♪
♪ Concrete and steel Appeals gettin' turned down ♪
♪ Hopin' for mail But letters gettin' turned 'round ♪
♪ That's "return to sender" Promise I'll stop bein' a sinner ♪
♪ Lord, if you help me I'll be the number one repenter ♪
♪ In the land of the lost, I pray You help me be a winner ♪
♪ In the deep of the dark I seek, try'na find my center ♪
♪ I am just a sinner ♪
♪ Livin' in a steel grave ♪
♪ It's hard here ♪
♪ It's cold here, it's dark here ♪
♪ It's no air ♪
♪ I can't breathe I can't see, I can't sleep ♪
♪ I can't believe they got me ♪
♪ Livin' like a lifer ♪
♪ When I rather be a liver ♪
♪ When they give you life I swear you feel it in your liver ♪
♪ Pain so deep in the heat You still shiver ♪
♪ Livin' life dead will have You blowin' on a killer ♪
♪ Runnin' laps every day ♪
♪ I gotta push up ♪
♪ In case the walkin' dead Decide they wanna push up ♪
♪ 'Cause flesh eaters Flex heatas lookin' for meals ♪
♪ Hypes chasin' hits ♪
♪ And they looking for a deal ♪
♪ Try'na escape they hell Demons dwellin' inside they cell ♪
♪ As the debt begins to build They contemplate whether or not to tell ♪
♪ When the hustla get impatient He pillage the Hype's cell ♪
♪ Then the Johnnies get a kite From the Hype when the night fell ♪
♪ That's when I felt That I failed and I fell ♪
♪ To my knees And I pleaded with God well ♪
♪ Let me know will my soul ever prevail ♪
♪ 'Cause it's cold In this hole that I dwell ♪
♪ I am livin' in a steel ♪
♪ Livin' in a steel ♪
♪ Where everything is still ♪
♪ Yeah, everything is still ♪
[James] My dad had came to see me
when I was in the hole.
I had just finished writing
the first and second verse
of "Steel Grave."
And I thought the song was over,
and we were visiting behind the glass.
I was holding the phone
and I, like, rap "Steel Grave" to him.
And he was just like,
Yeah, son, that's really good.
He says, But what happens?
I'm like, What do you mean, what happens?
He's like, What happens to the character?
You just described that he was in this dark world.
Does he ever come out?
[gentle music playing]
[James] So when I go back to the cell after our visit,
I started to write it.
And I opened the third verse saying...
Livin' amongst the cutthroats, connivers, and the schemers
truly is a nightmare, but I remain a dreamer.
♪ Hope is hard to hold ♪
♪ Sometimes it slips Right thru your fingers ♪
♪ I've seen people lose their grip ♪
♪ Convince themselves That they should string up ♪
♪ For lack of purpose, on purpose They just curse us ♪
♪ Give me life To symbolize my life worthless ♪
♪ But thru these lines I realize I might surface ♪
♪ Thru these rhymes I see the light My eyes hurtin' ♪
♪ Throwin' dirt and arms hurtin' ♪
♪ Prayin' not to slip ♪
♪ I climb further, uncertain ♪
♪ Tighten up my grip ♪
♪ 'Cause my direction's resurrection ♪
♪ Like Lazarus, I stand erected ♪
♪ My confessions, tales from the crypt ♪
♪ I was livin' in a steel grave ♪
♪ Livin' in a steel grave ♪
[James] I remain
a person who dreams about freedom,
who dreams about my own reconciliation
and resurrection.
I dream about my own redemption
and the redemption of other people.
[music fades out]
[James] My imagination...
[hopeful music playing]
...when I was in the hole,
really played a role
in how hopeful I grew to become.
I was able to imagine my life
in art and music.
I was able to imagine myself in freedom.
So, I had something to hope for
because I can see it in my mind.
♪ Rise and shine ♪
♪ It's morning, morning... ♪
[James] I think about this one time I was laying on the floor, meditating
and like imagining myself
and the life that I wanted.
My
imaginary wife,
she looked like Indigo.
So when I met Indigo, I was like, Oh, there she go.
[Indigo] I don't wanna go too deep into May.
[James chuckles]
[James] Why not?
I don't know.
I just feel like Memorial Day and like Mother's Day...
[James] Oh, my...
[James chuckles]
I'm like, this is a holiday. [laughs]
[James] I mean, I would marry you today.
So whatever date you say, I'm like, Let's do that.
[James sings] ♪ I'll keep holding on ♪
Yes.
- [James] ♪ I'll keep holding on ♪ - ♪ Keep holding on ♪
♪ Gotta keep holding on ♪
♪ I'll keep holding on ♪
I don't know how the rest goes.
[Indigo] At first, I felt like I would never put my heart that deep
somewhere that was so trapped and oppressed.
But I just couldn't deny my heart what it wanted,
and considering all the prison abolition work
and reform work I've done,
I've made a case before I met James.
[James laughing]
[Indigo] The fact of the matter is that human connection does seep through walls.
It does seep through cages.
As a friend and as someone who cares about him spiritually,
I don't worry about his ability to be accountable.
But I just know that it's not as possible
when you're also being victimized at the level of incarceration.
So the first email I sent, I was just like,
I'm James' fiancée.
I'm writing in support of his commutation.
And I just asked, like, I just need help around this process.
Like, what is this process?
But for now, I feel like it is worth painting the picture
of all the people who are ready for you to come home.
[James] Right.
And I read you your dad's, right?
[James] Yeah. You read it to me.
Okay. And then I read you, uh, Jackie's?
[James] No.
Okay, you wanna hear hers?
[James] Yes.
James has learned how his crime affected the victim, the victim's family,
and his life and society.
He is remorseful and understands how his actions had a negative impact.
James is a responsible, mature young man
that has been rehabilitated through California's state prison system.
My husband and I have always supported James
and will continue to support him.
I'm confident that James is not a threat to society
and is suitable for a second chance in life.
Sincerely, Jacqueline Williams.
[James] Oh, Jackie, though.
[Indigo] I love that.
[automated voice] You have 60 seconds remaining.
Hate that. [chuckles]
[James laughs] Hate that. I hate that for you.
[both laugh]
[church music playing]
The Bible says we're like sheep counted for the slaughter.
At any time, danger or disaster can come our way.
Don't you think that your child can't be one of the statistics
that die on the street corner.
But the Bible says God is not a condemner.
He is a liberator, emancipator.
For God sent not his son into the world to condemn the world,
but that the world through him might be saved.
God is fighting for you.
James, when he was born, and I brought him home from the hospital,
I had picked him up. I was so happy.
And he smiled at me, and man... Phew!
He's a man now. He's able to just keep on going.
And, uh, that encouraged me to keep going with him.
The word of God is my treasure.
That's... that's what I have. It's the best I can do.
And God said to me, This is gonna be a long walk.
I heard him so clear.
So I relayed the message to my son. God said it's gonna be a long walk.
And then I realized that God, in saying that, was promising to me
that it's coming to an end too.
And so, one day, my son will be free.
God promised that to me. I heard him.
And so that's why I'm convinced, I'm persuaded that, um,
though we do time, and we've done a lot of it,
uh, and it has been a long journey as it were,
but, uh, it's gonna come to an end,
and we will share our lives together on this side of the prison wall.
That's what faith means to me.
[William] I have a little praise song in my heart that I wanna sing.
I'm gonna sing this song by faith.
[piano playing]
I feel God in this place already.
And the little praise song goes like this.
["Wake Up" playing]
♪ Young Black misguided dreamers ♪
♪ Wake up and turn Into fist fightin' schemers ♪
♪ Who gon' feed us? ♪
♪ Block full of young soldiers ♪
♪ But who gon' lead us? ♪
♪ We hold heat'us ♪
♪ I wish that I could tell you that ♪
♪ We don't need 'em ♪
♪ But it's hard when they huntin' you For no reason ♪
♪ Salty haters hate a n8tive When you so seasoned ♪
♪ Cold-hearted Johnny draw his heat ♪
♪ And burst into my spot While I was sleepin' ♪
♪ I guess it's time to wake up ♪
In this sanctuary, you say, Lord, I surrender!
♪ I guess it's time to wake up ♪
- I am with you how long? - [congregants] Forever!
He ain't gon' never leave you!
I don't care what happens. He ain't going nowhere!
♪ Wake up, wake up, wake up ♪
♪ These days, people walkin' in a daze ♪
♪ Smokin' on the haze Thinkin' and dreamin' of getting paid ♪
♪ I can't wait for the day When n8tives awake ♪
♪ Get tired of goin' to homies' wakes ♪
♪ Deep in the water my niggas wade ♪
♪ Barely afloat, but they inflate ♪
♪ Their egos is bigger than D. Wade ♪
♪ 'Cause it's hard to feel the love ♪
♪ When these niggas don't hate ♪
♪ The whole game twisted like a braid ♪
♪ So they stay sharp ♪
♪ And never switch up like a blade ♪
♪ Just to cop a chain ♪
♪ They at the stove Whippin' like a slave ♪
♪ Cooking master's meal hopin' they ♪
♪ Can stumble on a couple young crumbs For the day ♪
♪ Numb so the pain of sellin' cain ♪
♪ Don't ever penetrate their conscience ♪
♪ We ain't conscious ♪
♪ Junglest streets call me a "beast" 'Cause it's easy to see ♪
♪ These human beings Would much rather be monsters ♪
♪ Mindless creatures that Never ever really mind they teachers ♪
♪ I had the feelin' that they wasn't Really try'na reach us ♪
♪ Whole chapter on Columbus and Cook ♪
♪ The slave trade a paragraph In my history book ♪
♪ Why you think a n8tive slept In the back of the class? ♪
♪ .380 wrapped and tucked In the bottom half of my bag ♪
♪ I'm Black and I'm mad But people never seem to take me serious ♪
♪ Choppa lullabies are the eeriest ♪
♪ Sung by the souls so curious ♪
♪ The streets is for the fast And the furious ♪
♪ But I ain't try'na to be Like Paul Walker ♪
♪ Crash and burn I don't wanna be like Paul Walker ♪
♪ But I pray I hear the Lord When he calls ♪
♪ 'Cause I think it's time to wake up ♪
♪ Wake up, wake up, wake up ♪
Child, I get up, I stand back up,
and tell the devil, That's alright. I'm coming back again.
I'mma come back again!
- Hey! - [song ends]
Have you ever been in jail?
Oh, bless his name.
Oh, y'all ain't got to say nothing. I know you been there. Amen.
[congregants laugh]
You been in that spiritual jail! The devil had you bound!
- Oh, bless his name. Oh, bless his... - [static]
[gentle music playing]
[James] As I got older,
I would feel, like, more responsible
to my dad
and to my mom and my sister.
I would write these letters
about how grateful I am
for them staying by my side
and supporting me
even after I've done something
so heinous and serious.
And I remember my mom telling me once
about my birth
that when she was pregnant with me, she was like, I wanted you.
And she told me, I still want you, son.
And that just,
you know, was so affirming and uplifting
and helped me to believe in myself and believe in my worth.
[Janine] Hello?
[automate voice] This is Global Tel Link. You have a pre-paid call from...
- [James] Hey, Momma. - [Janine] Hey!
- I got something I want to read you. - Okay.
The purpose of this letter is to provide the court
with the authority to resentence inmate James Jacobs
based upon his exceptional conduct while incarcerated.
As the secretary of CDCR,
I take my obligation to public safety very seriously
and choose only to make exceptional-conduct referrals
when an inmate's behavior while incarcerated
demonstrates a sustained compliance
with departmental rules, regulations, and requirements
as well as prolonged participation
in rehabilitative programming.
It appears that inmate Jacobs' sentence
warrants the attention of the court.
I recommend that inmate Jacobs' sentence be recalled
and that he be resentenced.
- Sincerely, Ralph Diaz... - Oh my God.
...Secretary of CDCR.
[Janine inhales sharply]
[laughs softly]
[inhales deeply]
Oh my goodness. I don't know what to... Oh.
[somber music playing]
[William] We the jury of the above entitled action
find the defendant James Jacobs guilty of the crime of murder
and is sentenced total of 40 years to life.
I remember years ago going to the court for James.
He was being sentenced the first time, and this time he's being re-sentenced.
I'm here for a good reason. The last time, it wasn't so good.
[Indigo] I'm the first person to say, if you went through something, like,
you were a victim of something. That's real.
That's why I say like it's also...
It's also your responsibility as a victim to...
to do what's necessary for you to actually heal.
[Indigo] I was a victim of a crime.
I was raped.
And I did pursue an investigation with the police
and ended up being so re-traumatized by that experience.
I was looking for closure,
I was looking for justice, healing, validation,
and there was no healing to be found.
I realized the system is not prioritizing me.
It's prioritizing punishment,
and my healing can never be found in someone else's punishment.
It's not what restores what was taken from you.
[Mama Jackie] We are people of faith. We understand that God works in his time,
and it's not according to man's time,
but I'm very hopeful that he's going to get out.
My prayer is that he get out while we are alive.
[shakily] I'm sorry.
[Mama Jackie] Right now, it's like, um...
It's like a death.
And so every time you see James,
and you have to leave, it's like the casket is closing.
For him to be with his dad...
[voice breaking] That's... that's... that's the main thing.
Their hearts will be healed.
They won't be broken anymore.
[somber music continues]
[James] My dad told me when I was 16,
after I got sentenced,
You know, son, this is gonna be a long walk.
This long walk of longing
and looking toward the horizon.
I've been hella hopeful.
Just hoping that
the judge will resentence me
and then let me go home.
[William] Oh boy. Here we go.
Yeah, let's see what happens.
[judge] Calling The People vs. James Jacobs.
[defense attorney] The request is still to resentence him.
[judge] The District Attorney's Office is not willing to concede
that Mr. Jacobs should be resentenced.
On the issue of whether or not the court is going to resentence the defendant,
the court is not going to take that on today.
[somber electronic music playing]
[James] Prison is a trap.
Our justice system is a trap.
If you're walking through the wilderness of America,
and they get you in that trap,
they not letting you go.
I don't think that D.A. looked at who I was.
I think he looked at the fact that
he had the opportunity to say no.
[somber music playing]
[James] Never will they say,
That trap is inhumane.
Let me get it off this bear's foot.
They wanna mount you on a wall.
Never will they say,
That noose is too tight.
Let me cut this person down off this tree.
They intended
to lynch us.
♪ I ain't doin' no more runnin' ♪
♪ These niggas after my rose gold ♪
♪ The Johnnies after my freedom ♪
♪ The Devil racin' for my soul ♪
♪ I just pray to God that I beat him ♪
♪ I never been a retreater ♪
♪ Never been an elitist ♪
♪ I never trusted the leaders, on me ♪
♪ How I'm 'posed to trust 'em When they killed Malcolm ♪
♪ Killed Oscar, killed Tray And killed Michael? ♪
♪ The most hunted species in America ♪
♪ Is a Black male ♪
♪ White cop shoot you down ♪
♪ And justify it With genocidal blackmail ♪
♪ Like, "Y'all killin' y'all selves" ♪
♪ And though we shoot people With similar faces ♪
♪ It still don't change the fact That you a racist ♪
♪ It still don't change the fact The system's broken ♪
♪ And the pain the homies feel Go forever unspoken, like ♪
♪ If the legal system don't give me life ♪
♪ I'll prolly get shot by my own kind ♪
♪ I'll prolly get popped With my own nine ♪
♪ Somebody in the hood Will put it online ♪
♪ If the legal system don't give me life ♪
♪ I'll prolly get shot by my own kind ♪
♪ I'll prolly get popped With my own nine ♪
♪ Somebody in the hood Will put that shit on WorldStar ♪
[song fades out]
- [waves crashing gently] - [birds squawking]
[Janine] James told me that he had a dream.
He said, I dreamed that I came home to you.
[gentle music playing]
[Janine] I need my son home.
I have no other son. I need him home.
[reporter on TV] In LA this weekend, another round
of gang arrests and violence.
More than 200 officers on this street...
♪ Crime waves ♪
♪ Sittin' bored While the news reports the ♪
♪ Crime waves ♪
♪ Sittin' bored While the news reports the ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ While the news reports the ♪
♪ While the news reports the Crime waves ♪
♪ While the news reports the ♪
♪ Born in the era of crack ♪
♪ So I'm mindin' my step Thru the boundary lines ♪
♪ 'Cause momma got pain in her back ♪
♪ The weight of the stress My brother got wet ♪
♪ She prayin' her youngest adapt To that sea floor ♪
♪ Where we see shells From the seashores of a MAC ♪
♪ Get caught in that wave And you'll never swim back ♪
♪ Eighty degrees With a slight chance of breeze ♪
♪ From the MACs that be blowin' I'm blowin' on trees ♪
♪ Try'na find me relief ♪
♪ 'Cause my momma keep sayin' She prayin' for me ♪
♪ Shit can get deep ♪
♪ Niggas don't swim We just float in the beach ♪
♪ No paddle, just feet ♪
♪ From the shoulders, I'm bold And the homies is deep ♪
♪ And I put that on me ♪
♪ Real niggas don't live They get killed by a Yee ♪
♪ Either that or police Swear they huntin' for me ♪
♪ Young n8tives servin' crack, my nigga Better watch the cracks, my nigga ♪
♪ 'Cause them n8tives totin' MACs that'll Break your momma's back, my nigga ♪
♪ Can't bring your momma back, my nigga When them n8tives ratta-tat, my nigga ♪
♪ Born in the era of crack ♪
♪ So I'm mindin' my step Thru the boundary lines ♪
♪ 'Cause momma got pain in her back ♪
♪ The weight of the stress My brother got wet ♪
♪ She prayin' her youngest adapt ♪
♪ To that sea floor ♪
♪ Where we see shells From the seashores of a MAC ♪
♪ You get caught in that wave And you'll never swim back ♪
♪ Niggas press niggas every day ♪
♪ "What's hap'nen, where you from Where your grandma stay?" ♪
♪ Niggas flockin' Where your grandma stay ♪
♪ Hustlas on the block burner'd up Fuck around and sell your grandma yey ♪
♪ Sippin' Grand Marnier ♪
♪ It's crackin' every day ♪
♪ In the City by the Sea Niggas crackin' every day ♪
♪ Compton, Watts, and L.A. Know we get it crackin' every day ♪
♪ Crime waves ♪
♪ Sittin' bored While the news reports the ♪
♪ Crime waves ♪
♪ Sittin' bored While the news reports the ♪
♪ Crime waves ♪
♪ Sittin' bored while the news reports the Crime waves ♪
♪ While the news reports the Crime waves ♪
♪ While the news reports the ♪
♪ Born in the era of crack ♪
♪ So I'm mindin' my step Thru the boundary lines ♪
♪ 'Cause momma got pain in her back ♪
♪ The weight of the stress My brother got wet ♪
♪ She prayin' her youngest adapt ♪
♪ To that sea floor ♪
♪ Where we see shells From the seashores of a MAC ♪
♪ You get caught in that wave And you'll never swim back ♪
- [song fades out] - [waves crashing gently]
[Janine] Hey, son.
[James] Hey, Mommy.
You still walk on the beach on Sundays?
[Janine] I haven't recently, but I need to go back.
[eerie, discordant music playing]
I was going to visit James, um,
at the facility that he was located at the time.
When I looked over...
First I said that-- I said to Reneasha,
I said, That look like Jamaal.
I only seen him literally that one time, which was his sentencing.
I said, Mom, that's... that looks like Jamaal right there.
He's just walking, smiling.
I didn't... want to tell James.
[somber music playing]
I didn't want to tell him.
[James] I had just had a birthday.
I had just had a birthday.
And so, the weekend came, and my mom came to see me,
my mom and ReeRee.
I can tell something's wrong with my mom and Reneasha.
Like, they kinda off.
Like, they're smiling but you know, like,
their smiles are painted on.
And I look at ReeRee.
I look back at my mom, like,
What's going on?
And my mom is just like,
It's nothing.
And she keeps looking, like her eyes keep darting to Reneasha.
And she's like, Who is that?
Who's that guy right there?
And I'm like,
That's brother Jay.
And I say Jay, only knowing him as Jay
because that's how he introduced himself to me.
And she just pauses for a minute,
and my mom looks back up at me,
and she says, That's him.
And without her having to explain like, who the "him" is,
I know exactly who she means.
That's who killed Victor.
♪ La, la, la ♪
♪ La, la ♪
♪ La, la, la... ♪
[James] I just froze.
I realized how long I've been living
next to this man.
He said, I talk to this guy every day.
James was really, really upset.
He said something needed to be done about it.
[James] My mom just, like, grabs my arm.
And I said, No...
[James] She says, James, don't kill him.
I want you to come home.
But it also
communicated to me that you don't have permission to kill him,
but you have permission to do whatever else you wanna do.
And I knew that's what she meant.
And I felt guilty
because I should've kept my mouth closed.
I shouldn't have said anything
because I didn't want anything to happen.
[hopeful music playing]
♪ I pray, I pray, I pray ♪
♪ I pray for... ♪
[James] That night, I was just in my cell.
You know, I was crying.
I was... I was livid.
I was so angry with God.
I asked God, like, Why would you put this man in front of me,
knowing that I'm trying to go home,
knowing that I have to...
I have to
kill this dude?
This dude killed my brother.
I was so angry
that God would allow this man to even be in my presence
and put me in the predicament where I had...
I felt I had to do something to him
when, in my heart,
I really just wanted to forgive.
The world doesn't really understand forgiveness.
And in particular, prison culture does not have space
for forgiveness.
It is seen as a weakness.
God put me in a position
to either appear weak to people
that I believed were predatory
or give up my freedom.
That night, I just prayed.
You know what I have to do, like...
Like, why would you make me do this?
And as clear as
you hearing my voice right now,
I heard God say, Ain't nobody making you do nothing.
[pulsating beats]
[James] And it just echoed over and over,
Ain't nobody making you do nothing.
And then I thought about the scripture,
If you do not forgive,
you will not be forgiven.
And more than anything in my life,
more than I want anything in my life,
at that moment, I just wanted to be forgiven.
I wanted the family that I hurt to forgive me
and to know that I understand what I did to them.
More than anything,
I wanted that.
And here it was, I had the opportunity
to give that to somebody.
[hopeful music playing]
[James] So the next morning,
we come out for breakfast,
and I said, Man, is your name Jamaal Smith?
And he says, Yeah.
Like, you knew that though.
I was like, Naw, I always knew your name was Jay. Like...
Your name is Jamaal Smith.
And he was like, Yeah.
Tears start coming down my face.
And I said, Man, you killed my brother.
And the first thing out of his mouth was,
I'm sorry for what I took from you, bro.
He said to me,
I'm sorry for what I did to your family.
And
I believed him.
I believed he was really sorry.
I asked him why he killed my brother,
and he told me the story.
And...
it was senseless.
It was for nothing.
The same way my crime was for nothing and it was senseless.
And I just told him,
Man, I forgive you.
If you want my forgiveness, you have it.
And I got up and left.
What came to me was the first time we met,
and how connected I felt to him then
and how much I saw his humanity
in hearing him talk about the crime.
And realizing that the crime he had committed
was against me and my family,
it was heavy.
The police found out,
they caught wind that he was convicted of killing Victor.
And for CDCR,
rather than facilitate reconciliation and healing,
they looked at it as a liability.
And so, they interviewed both of us.
I told them I forgive him.
And when the lieutenant walked in,
he just was like, Hey, man, send this guy back to his cell.
Send the other guy to the hole.
So rather than allowing them to put Jamaal in the hole,
I told him instead of putting him in the hole, I'll go.
[gentle music playing]
[James] And the sergeant was like, You would go to the hole for him?
And they cuffed me up and walked me back to the cell.
And I remember this CO,
as we were walking back to the cell across the yard,
he says,
When you get back to your cell,
you get on your knees and you praise God,
because you passed his test.
You've passed.
[uplifting music playing]
[James] Going into the hole,
I felt a sense of peace
because I had done something that I didn't think I was capable of doing,
or I didn't think I would actually do it.
Scripture tells us, you know,
what the devil intends for evil, God intends for good.
So, isolation is intended
to isolate the spirit of a human.
And that isolation can be crushing sometimes.
But when God steps in, it becomes something different.
[uplifting music continues]
[James] That's what was happening in the hole.
I was in isolation, sure,
like, humanly.
But God was with me the whole time.
And it was clear what I had to do. I had to work.
I needed to use this gift
that God has given me to talk about something significant.
And as I'm writing these songs, I don't know if they're significant.
I don't know if they'll matter to the world, but
I went into writing with that posture of heart.
Like, say something that matters.
Say what's important.
[gentle vocalizations]
♪ A yo, you n8tives need to realize ♪
♪ That most of these niggas that can rap Be kickin' real lies ♪
♪ Man, on the real I'm droppin' science like I'm Bill Nye ♪
♪ 'Cause all these niggas got it twisted Time to realign ♪
♪ Man eighty nah-wan-romp Me want me peace of mind ♪
♪ I ask the Lord for some protection Plus I keep a nine ♪
♪ In case these zombies cravin' flesh And want a piece of mine ♪
♪ I pray the Lord their souls will wake up From my freedom rhymes ♪
♪ I feed 'em rhymes from a level Where they wanna be ♪
♪ Come follow me 'Cause the good you see is God in me ♪
♪ As you progress, you'll start to see The struggle gotta be ♪
♪ Somewhere between some kinda blessin' Or the hardest thing ♪
♪ I'm on my deen Try'na elevate and maintain ♪
♪ My altitude I'm try'na move Crowds toward change ♪
♪ Like I'm Obama On my momma, niggas keep playin' ♪
♪ When life get hard and hella serious I keep prayin' ♪
♪ I keep prayin', man ♪
♪ When I walk thru the shadow of death ♪
♪ I realize I must uplift ♪
♪ But if I die before I wake ♪
♪ I pray the Lord my soul to take up ♪
♪ When I walk thru the shadow of death ♪
♪ I realize I must uplift ♪
♪ But if I die before I wake ♪
♪ I pray the Lord my soul to take up ♪
♪ I pray that one day I make it up to the heavens ♪
♪ I pray that one day I stop trippin' off that Satin ♪
♪ I pray for all my friends And all my enemies ♪
♪ Sometimes it hard To tell the difference in between ♪
♪ I pray that one day I make it up to the heavens ♪
♪ I pray that one day I stop trippin' off that Satin ♪
♪ I pray for all my friends And all my enemies ♪
♪ Sometimes it hard To tell the difference in between ♪
♪ On me ♪
[William] I said, Son, you know as far as your gift and your talent is concerned,
when you make people happy,
you give them hope, and you help them find relief
in whatever it is that they're going through.
Inside here, these men will cherish you.
They will even protect you.
Share your gift.
Bless the people.
[uplifting music continues]
♪ I pray, I pray, I pray ♪
[telephone line ringing]
- [Reneasha] Daddy! - [William] Yeah?
Did you get the letter, the news for James?
[William] What news? What?
[Reneasha] While in prison,
Mr. Jacob has devoted himself to his self-development.
I have carefully considered and weighed the evidence
of Mr. Jacobs' positive conduct in prison.
Therefore I, Gavin Newsom, Governor of the State of California,
do hereby commute the sentence of James Jacobs
to make him eligible for immediate parole consideration
and release upon the grant of parole.
[William] If they grant him parole,
he'll be home in four months, three to four months.
- Right! - [Reneasha] Yeah.
[William] Good night!
Alright, let me... Let me get off--
I don't know what to do now. Hold on. I gotta...
[laughs]
[William] See you guys later.
- Okay, Daddy. Love you. - [William] I love you, too. Bye.
- Bye. - Bye.
[Reneasha] Mm-hmm.
- Think about his life. - Yeah.
Like, he has a testimony.
[James] I feel affirmed
in who I am
and who I've decided to be.
My mission to create art,
my mission to help heal other people
and heal myself and heal community,
that is what you're supposed to be doing. Now go do it.
- [uplifting music playing] - [no audible dialogue]
[James] It's like waiting on the bus
when you, like,
sitting on a boulevard, you sitting at the bus stop,
and you're like, When is this bus gon' pull up?
And you kind of walk to the middle of the street
to, like, look down the road to see if it's coming,
and
waiting on freedom feels like that.
I feel ready to have the conversation with the board,
because I know who I am.
Yeah, so, anytime now, Mom, and, uh, he's gonna give me a call.
Hopefully he'll give me a call
if he have the opportunity to get to the phone. Yeah.
[phone chimes]
Hey, Auntie.
Yeah, he's... he's... he went before the board today,
but, um, I haven't heard from him yet.
- Mm-hmm. - [woman on phone] I thought it was...
Oh God! I can't do this.
[Mama Jackie] It was a long hearing.
[William] I'm... I'm... My stomach is just going crazy.
[Mama Jackie] I know. My heart was beating earlier...
Boom-boom-boom-boom-boom.
[phone chimes]
[automated voice] This call and your telephone number
will be monitored and recorded.
To accept this call, say or dial five now.
[beep]
[automated voice] Thank you for using Global Tel Link.
My heart can't take much of this, J.
[James] Huh?
Wh-what's up, son?
[James] It didn't go our way, Pop.
[William sighs softly]
[James] I can't believe it, Dad.
I'm sorry.
[smacks lips] Son, um...
[James, emotionally] I'm sorry, Dad.
Hey, it's gonna be okay, J.
[James] I'm sorry.
- You don't-- - I'm sorry, Dad.
You don't have to apologize to me, son. You did your best, son. You're good.
[sighs exasperatedly] Yeah, we can make this, J.
We can do this, okay?
[James breathing shakily]
Ah, man.
[James, crying] I don't know what more I could do, Dad.
I don't know what more I could do.
Like, I don't know who I have to be.
They don't believe me.
They don't believe who I am.
They don't believe me, man.
[James inhales shakily]
They don't believe me.
And there's nothing I can do about it.
There's nothing I can do about it.
[William sighs heavily]
[James] They talked about the fact that
I contributed work to an album
called Defund the Sheriff.
They talked about them using my face
to change the law for youthful offenders,
and they said that all the work that I'm doing,
my art and the advocacy work,
they say that it's all just to build my brand
or to get me out of prison,
but it's not real.
'Cause they used all these things to say that
I'm a clear and present danger to the community.
I'm dangerous, they said.
I'm... I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe, Pop. I can't breathe.
Yes. Hey, J, um...
I can't breathe, man.
It's too much.
[William] Yeah.
[James] It's too much. I can't be perfect. I'mma fail.
[William] Well...
I'm lost for words, J.
But I do know one thing, though.
We can never give up.
We just can't do that. We just can't do that.
I mean, we can bleed right now, we can cry right now,
but we can't give up.
You know what I mean? Because--
[James] I ain't gonna give up.
We can't, you know? Life is... is worth more.
Freedom is... You know, it's worth it to go through it.
[automated voice] You have 60 seconds remaining.
[William sighs softly]
[James] You got my word, Dad. I promise you that.
I promise you, Dad. I ain't gonna never give up.
I promise you I'm gonna get out of here, Dad.
I promise you. I'mma make it to you. I promise.
[William] I know, son.
[crying] I promise.
- I promise you, I ain't gon' give up. - I'mma be right there with you.
[James] I promise you.
[William] We gonna make it.
[James] I promise you, Dad.
- [William sighs] - [James] I promise.
- [William] Yeah. - [James] I love you.
[William] I love you more than life, son,
and we pick-- Lift your head up.
- Right now, like I said just-- - [line disconnects]
[William sighs]
[quietly] It's tough.
[water flowing]
[Indigo] I try to, like, imagine him in this space.
So as I'm sitting here, I'm like,
What would James do right now if he was at this river with me?
In my mind, he would sit here, next to me on this rock,
lean against my back,
and, like, just enjoy the stillness and the movement.
[breathes deeply]
Like, I know he would do that.
And, um, in my knowing,
I find solace, and I find freedom and something to hold onto.
[somber music playing]
[James] Indigo has been telling me,
practically since we met,
that I need to, like,
give space
for 15-year-old James,
that still lives in me,
and tackle
his issues.
If only you understood me,
you'll see my humanity.
The day after board,
I had to write down a list of reasons
to keep living...
in my notebook. Like, I'm looking at right now,
and the last thing I wrote was
my shortcomings do not diminish my good.
I believe that.
On my best days, I believe that.
On my worst days, I'm not even sure if I have good.
[somber music continues]
[James] What y'all up to?
- [Reneasha] Nothing. - [Janine] Nothing. Sleepy.
[Reneasha] Yep. Basically.
[Janine] Wait a minute, James. I'm sorry. You know I'm getting old.
How old did you turn? Because Reneasha was telling me-- [laughs]
- [Reneasha] Are you serious? 33. - No. I'm serious.
[Reneasha] I'm 34. He's 33.
[James] Crazy.
Huh? No, I--
[James] That's crazy.
- You 33. - [James laughs]
Oh my-- Y'all... Y'all getting too old fast.
[laughing]
- [Reneasha] Oh, wow. - You a little old man.
[James] ReeRee getting older faster.
[laughs] He said you're getting older faster.
[James] I remember my dad, he first realized
that I was taller than him, he was like, Boy, when did this happen?
[laughing]
[James] He's little now.
I'mma talk to y'all soon.
- Okay. Bye. - Okay. Bye.
[James] Bye, y'all.
Okay. Bye-bye.
[James] Jamaal wrote me a letter.
I was in the hole
for about three months,
and they transferred me to another prison,
and I never saw him again.
[gentle music playing]
Thank you for taking time out of your day to read this.
Up until the day you revealed to me who you were,
I lived as if in a dream.
At the next moment, to awake
to all the heartache, shame, grief, and cowardice of my past.
A history that I would have rather forgotten.
There is not, nor will there ever be, a word or words
that can adequately express, brother, how sorry I am for what I've done...
Thank you from the depths of my soul
for the courtesy and compassion that you showed me.
You knew of my shameful acts before I was aware,
and the most easiest thing for you to do
would have been to seek revenge on the unsuspecting.
But you did not.
Even though anyone would have understood why.
Your maturity and understanding is your greatest gift
as well as a foundation worthy of a king.
Can you please relay the same
to your mother?
I wanted to write her too
but I really am at a loss of words on that one.
In love, honor, and respect, Jamaal.
[Janine] James modeled the forgiveness
in a way where I had to look at him
and take notes.
[gentle music playing]
[Janine] He showed me his growth in that,
and then I had to look at it. I said, Okay, I need to grow from this, too.
The more I forgive, the freer, honestly, I feel.
I feel like my healing has begun.
[gentle music continues]
[James] In the darkest moments,
I do not know
my significance.
I do not know the impact that I have had on
the people in my life,
and I do not know if I will ever have an impact.
But when I have clarity,
I can see clearly how I've impacted people,
how my art has impacted people.
I tell the brothers in here a little bit about Jamaal,
how I forgave Jamaal.
And...
Every day,
every day, there's multiple people who
are walking up to me
that I don't know, who are like,
Man, you really inspired me.
The things you said about
forgiveness and love
and the things you say about
how to live for family
and live for community
has made me
think about my life.
And they thank me
for just telling my story and telling
my perspective about things.
It's in those moments where I realize
that I am making an impact on people's lives.
I am doing some good in this world
just by being me.
I authentically believe
in the utility of nonviolence
and the utility of art to tell our stories
and the utility of being vulnerable.
I don't need to perform that.
Authentically, that is me.
And in those moments,
I know that
my shortcomings do not diminish my good.
♪ Enjoyin' this life 'Cause this life got a limit ♪
♪ I don't take nothin' for granted ♪
♪ 'Cause nothin' is given, no ♪
♪ We are all runnin' out of time ♪
♪ So I think that We should have a good time ♪
♪ I just wanna have a good time ♪
♪ Who need a club When the kick back is crackin'? ♪
♪ Call up the homegirls And turn up the classics ♪
♪ Backyard is poppin' Like back in the day ♪
♪ Eyeing my ex-girl from back in the day ♪
♪ These are the days Roll up and turn up the Maze ♪
♪ I done lived life in a cage ♪
♪ Life can get strange But we gon' get thru it ♪
♪ Just turn up the music ♪
♪ And let's all go craze ♪
♪ Some of the homies done got shot Some of the homies done got locked ♪
♪ Gotta put in they time ♪
♪ So if you wonder Why eighty gon' turn up ♪
♪ It's 'cause niggas been livin' Like turnips ♪
♪ That's some vegetable minds It ain't no messin' with mines ♪
♪ N8tive Angelino my celestial tribe ♪
♪ Searchin' for the meaning We enjoyin' the life ♪
♪ And only peace is welcome We avoidin' the strife ♪
♪ When I'm destroyin' the mic It's like I'm ♪
♪ Enjoyin' this life 'Cause this life got a limit ♪
♪ I don't take nothin' for granted ♪
♪ 'Cause nothin' is given, no ♪
♪ We are all runnin' out of time ♪
♪ So I think that We should have a good time ♪
♪ I just wanna have a good time ♪
♪ We are all runnin' out of time ♪
♪ I just wanna have a good time ♪
♪ Party so hard Neighbors hope a nigga move out ♪
♪ Countin' my blessings And I just might lose count ♪
♪ People pulled on me But the gun ain't shoot ♪
♪ Cops let me go like "Nah, it ain't you" ♪
♪ Since when that ever mattered That's just God lookin' over me ♪
♪ Even though what I am ain't half Of what I hope to be ♪
♪ I say that openly God's lookin' over me ♪
♪ Even though what I am Ain't half of what I hope to be ♪
♪ So please pardon me If I party like an artist ♪
♪ With his name on a marquee I done saw things ♪
♪ People dream When they come back from the war, on me ♪
♪ Music is the medicine I'm try'na O.D. ♪
♪ Dance 'til there's pain in my feet ♪
♪ Steppin', reppin' City by the Sea ♪
♪ Homie, shout out to the Beach ♪
♪ If you feel me Wave your hands to the beat ♪
♪ Sing along with me even if you off-key ♪
♪ 'Cause we all just ♪
[James] I've been thinking about freedom
since the day I got locked up
when I was 15.
I've been thinking about that for 18 years.
[song ends]
[James] I feel like I've been
imagining freedom day so much
that I know exactly what it looks like.
It does feel like
it's already written.
[vehicle approaching]
[horn honking in celebration]
[cheering]
[uplifting music playing]
[William] We thank you for liberty. We thank you for this freedom
that we all are sharing right now with James.
Eighteen years, you protected him in the prison.
Eighteen years, you allowed his light to shine in the dark.
We thank you for it in Jesus' name. Let everybody say thank God.
- [all] Thank God. - Amen.
[all] Amen.
[all cheering]
[uplifting music continues]
[no audible dialogue]
Oh boy.
- I love you too, Dad. - Mm-hmm.
- We made it, J. We made it. - Thank you, man. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you, Dad.
You're welcome, J.
[James] Thank you.
[William moans happily]
You're welcome, son.
[James whimpers]
[crying]
Oh, Victor.
[sniffs]
Oh, Victor.
Oh, Vic.
Oh, Vic. Oh, man.
My brother.
[vocalizations]
♪ Silent sufferin' all alone Sick of sendin' letters home ♪
♪ Segregation war is on Ese cut a nigga's throat ♪
♪ Politickin' with the thugs Bay niggas, Crips and Bloods ♪
♪ Old homies show me love All because of who I was ♪
♪ Oh ♪
[bird squawking]
- Oh, wow. - It's so good.
Wow.
[Janine laughing]
[James] Look at God.
[James laughs]
[James] I'm free.
I'm free.
[Janine] It has set everybody around you free, too.
You set everybody free.
[gentle music continues]
[vocalizing]
[vocalizing continues]
Yeah.
♪ No time to waste ♪
[vocalizations]
♪ No wasting time, no wasting time ♪
♪ Don't waste your time, no wasting time ♪
♪ No wasting time, no wasting time ♪
- [man] Yeah! - That shit hot!
- [man] Lay it down towards the end, too. - That shit hot!
♪ No time to waste ♪
[vocalizations]
♪ Don't waste your time Don't waste your time ♪
♪ Don't waste my time Don't waste my time ♪
♪ No wasting time, no wasting time ♪
[song ends]
["Here Now" playing]
♪ You know ♪
♪ When you got a glow ♪
♪ You gotta keep it on the low You know? ♪
♪ They see the flame on the low Like a wall heater ♪
♪ I got a blower by the insulation That's a war heater ♪
♪ Young warlord leader ♪
♪ From my locs to my sneakers ♪
♪ Got it locked Like the LOX in your speakers ♪
♪ De block what I reek of ♪
♪ Fresh out, really lost in the freedom ♪
♪ Of gold chains And trips to Puerto Rico ♪
♪ When your money new ♪
♪ You know them lions on the prowl Like it's high noon ♪
♪ Pigs want my hide too ♪
♪ Turn a life sentence to a haiku ♪
♪ I grew up shooting dice in dayrooms ♪
♪ Watching dialbacks turn to DPs By the payphone ♪
♪ Homie, I got homies That's gonna stay gone ♪
♪ Rest in peace Harvey J Every day is fourth and long ♪
♪ But you know eighty don't punt ♪
♪ Running through the yards After bussin' out Galants ♪
♪ Every night I pray 'Cause first light, I'm on the hunt ♪
♪ Baby, I'm a baller Even if my height stunt ♪
♪ Crackers set the bar I leaped it like a high jump ♪
♪ I deserve a gold medal You know, Negro Olympians ♪
♪ I danced with them devils Did a couple head spins ♪
♪ They took they pound of flesh And now they owe me dividends ♪
♪ It's evident, yeah ♪
♪ Never was expected to win, yeah! ♪
♪ We here now ♪
♪ Was up the road, the walk was long ♪
♪ I stood alone on all ten toes Paid my dues, I kept it true ♪
♪ They set the trap, I made it through Was up the road, the walk was long ♪
♪ I stood alone on all ten toes ♪
♪ We here now ♪
♪ Paid my dues, I kept it true They set the trap, I made it through ♪
♪ I'm here now ♪
♪ On me ♪