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[gentle festive music]
- [Clive] Greetings from the Hammersmiths.
I hope all is well,
and you are in good spirits.
[shutter clicking] As Christmas approaches,
I like to take time
to reflect on all the wonderful times my family
and I have had this past year.
Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year.
Love, Clive H.
[gentle festive music]
[gentle festive music continues]
[water sloshing]
- [John] Dad, mail's here.
- Bring it up.
- Here's your mail. - Thanks.
Your mother's gonna make me bankrupt.
- What's bankrupt?
- It's like when somebody eats all your Cocoa Puffs.
- Cocoa Puffs.
[playfully downbeat music]
- Right on schedule.
[Joe sighs]
[playfully downbeat music continues]
- [Clive] Greetings from the Hammersmiths.
I hope all is well and you are in good spirits.
As Christmas approaches I like to take time
to reflect on all the wonderful times
my family and I have had this past year.
[shutter clicking]
P.S. You're invited to my big birthday bash in England.
Bono is my special musical guest. Details to come.
[gentle warm music]
[water sloshing]
[horn toots]
[bright music]
- Deb, how come we never do anything?
- Hmm? What are you talking about?
- I mean, we're alive,
but I don't really live,
I never do anything interesting.
- We went to the Scouts dinner Monday.
[Joe groans]
Well, I enjoyed it.
I like socializing with people in the community.
It helps me feel connected.
- [chuckles] You like hanging out
with grown men in shorts in the winter?
I mean, come on.
[mischievous music]
Oh, I mean, we never travel
or go anywhere or skydive.
We never go skydiving.
We used to talk about going skydiving.
- I never talked about skydiving. That's your death wish.
- Oh. Oh yeah.
[mischievous music]
[traffic whooshing]
- Wait. We got it, didn't we?
- What do you mean?
- This annual envy fest is getting old.
- Mm.
- Do you think Mary bragged
about all the gold, frankincense,
and myrrh that baby Jesus got?
- Well, she should have. It was quite the haul.
[door knocking]
Ah, I'll get it. I'll get it.
- Ah! If it's a package, no peeking.
- [Joe] If. [laughs] If it's a package.
Oh, hey.
- Hey, Joe. - Yeah. Hi Rich.
- I got one for you today. - Okay. Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Do all your packages end up like this?
It's a little beaten up. - Oh, no worries.
Whatever's in there is pretty strong.
Mm. - Okay.
- I, I know 'cause I, I used it to step on it
to reach the top shelf in my truck, so.
- Oh. - You're good to go.
- Okay, great.
- Hi, Rich. - Hi, Rich.
- Oh, hey, kids.
- Did you bring us any presents?
- Yeah, did you bring us anything?
- That's Santa's job. I'm just an honorary elf.
[both chuckle]
Yeah, see, my job is to pack in all the things
that Santa can't fit into a sleigh.
And I bring those, see? Okay?
- Yes! - Yes!
- Well, I'm gonna be, be going.
- Okay. - Gotta get there.
- That's a good one, Rich.
- So I'll be seeing you real soon.
- All right. - Okay.
- I'll see you around.
- And uh, uh, tell Debbie Merry Christmas!
- Okay. - Yeah.
- Merry Christmas.
[Joe groans]
Rotating tree stand.
- I told you not to peek.
- What am I supposed to do with this?
- It's to stringing up the lights on the tree.
- Oh. - Isn't that neat?
- Yeah. Neat.
[Joe groans]
♪ O tannenbaum, o tannenbaum ♪
- Who does this?
- Someone with controlling stock in Waterford.
- Wonder what his doorknob looks like. [chuckles]
- You know, for someone who supposedly
has been friends with this guy for years,
you sure don't act like it sometimes.
- Yeah, he means well. He's just a bit tone deaf.
He lives in the world of rich and famous
and I live in this one.
And he likes to remind me of it
every single year without fail.
- You know, his letters are always over the top.
[Joe sighs] So why do you stay in touch?
- I dunno. I guess this goes back to my childhood.
- I am pleased to announce,
today I have your pen pal assignments.
- [Students] Yes!
- Ooh, I hope I get to write to a cute Italian boy.
- Save yourself a stamp.
- [Teacher] Getting to know someone from a foreign land
is a wonderful thing.
Many pen pals become lifelong friends.
- Texas?
- [Teacher] Even in spite of cultural differences,
you'll discover that you and your new pen pal
have a lot more in common than you think.
[warm playful music]
- [Clive] I play tennis too.
In fact, I'll be playing Junior Wimbledon this year.
What tennis club do you belong to?
Cheers, Clive H.
- Bloody hell.
- I could really tell we are worlds apart
when I got my gold badge in Scouts
and he said, "Oh, gold,
that's a good investment opportunity.
It'd be great for your portfolio."
[lofty music]
Bloody hell.
I must have been a glutton for punishment
because I visited a few times
and was eventually asked to be an usher at his wedding.
[horse chuffs]
- Oh, there you are, old dog.
Look at you, mate.
You could almost be mistaken
for an accomplished businessman, huh?
- Uh... - Hey, hey,
I want you to introduce you to someone,
has a big thing for Americans.
Joe, meet Fiona.
- Hi. - Hey.
- Okay. Got to dash.
Wedding and all, uh...
- What's this for?
- An usherly favor.
See, my horse steed will be pulling
our carriage away from the church.
He had a little molasses this morning
and he's not feeling that great.
[uncomfortable music] Would you mind?
- Uh... - Thanks.
And keep the spade, the shovel, as a gift.
You kids have fun.
[Joe and Fiona chuckle nervously]
- So, Fiona, right?
- Fiona.
[uncomfortable music continues]
- And that's when the Christmas letters began.
Year after year reminding me of how great his life is
and how, how mine wasn't.
I just wish I could just experience that life just for once.
What did Thoreau say?
"Most men live lives of quiet desperation."
I don't wanna be most men.
- Well, at least you're not quiet about your desperation.
- One year, we're gonna live that life.
We're gonna do all those crazy wild things
that, that he does.
We're gonna do it.
And people are gonna read about it
and they're gonna wish they we're us
as opposed to us was wishing we were them.
[shutter clicking] [optimistic music]
Yeah.
- Stop comparing yourself to others.
You've got it pretty good right here.
[phone ringing] I'll get it.
[tree stand whirring]
- What is going on with this thing?
Is that smoke?
- Hello.
- Deb Michaels. Is that you?
- Clyde Hammersmith. [ornaments smashing]
Wow, we were just talking about you.
- Sorry. Signals here in the Med are just atrocious.
And the Greeks wonder why things are so bad.
No decent 5G anyway.
- Oh, what a shame.
- We've been trying all day
to get dinner reservations at Oroscopo and no luck.
- I know what you mean.
- So have you received our letter yet?
- Yes. Joe, can't stop talking about it.
I can't wait to read it.
- Yes. Brilliant.
Full of great pics, including some of me
and my new tennis Daniel Craig.
[tree stand whirring] [ornaments shattering]
Oh. And there's a special surprise in there for you and Joe.
Hasn't he told you about it yet?
- Uh, not yet. - I won't spoil the surprise.
But how is old Joe?
Still chasing the big money in advertising?
- Yep. Always chasing.
- Put that old dog on the line.
I want to have a chat with him.
- Hold on a second.
[electricity zaps] [window crashing]
Clive, He'll call you back.
- Dad.
- Oh! - Is Dad okay?
- He'll be fine.
Once I find the receipt for that rotating tree stand.
♪ Jingle bells ♪
♪ Jingle all the way ♪
♪ Oh, a fun it is to ride ♪
♪ In a one-horse open sleigh, hey ♪
- Don't you get sick of playing that song?
- Don't you ever get sick of listening to Journey?
- Hey, they got me through a lot of tough times.
- What? Puberty? - Uh-huh.
[Drew chuckles]
- What you working on?
- Oh, it's a itinerary
for a whole year of family activities and, and vacations.
I'm, I'm gonna present it to them at Christmas.
- [inhales sharply] Don't get caught
doing that on company time.
I, I hear they're looking to make cuts before Christmas.
- Yeah. I think I'm gonna be okay.
I'm not the one walking around playing a ukulele.
- But I'm hip and quirky and companies love that.
It's like the new MBA.
- The what? - You're old school, man.
Nobody cares about good punctuation
and grammar and spelling.
It, it's all about reaching your audience.
And your audience is young and hip and quirky.
- You're 45 years old.
- Yeah, but I don't act like it.
So let's hear these big plans.
- Really? - Hmm.
- All right, so this is gonna really blow my wife's mind.
I'm gonna take it to the Chez Monet
in Times Square for New Year's Eve.
- The Chez Monet? - Yeah.
- One meal there is like a car payment.
- I know. It's gonna be great. [laughs]
- What's that one?
- This one? It's a golf clinic with a golfing legend.
Yeah. - Hmm. A legend.
Like who?
- Well, it's subject to availability,
but they do mention there could be a one Tiger Woods.
- This says Tigger Woods.
- Yeah, it's a typo.
But anyway, I got this guy who sends me these letters.
Anyway, it's a long story,
but when he sees me playing golf with Tiger Woods-
- Tigger. - he's gonna freak out.
Oh, maybe Tiger's gonna let me wear
his green PGA jacket.
That's gonna be so cool.
- Yeah, you'll be wearing a jacket,
but it ain't gonna be green.
- Oh, well- [phone ringing]
Hello. This is Joe.
Sure. I, I, I'll be there in a sec.
That was HR.
Just gonna go down there for a quick meeting.
- Ooh, HR? Want me to pack some boxes for you?
- No, it's not gonna be anything like that.
It's probably they wanna talk
to me about that community project.
And besides if anyone's gonna be packing boxes,
it's gonna be you, walking around playing that stupid thing.
- Did you not hear anything I said
about being hip and quirky?
- Anyway. Forget about it.
I'll be back soon.
♪ Jingle bells ♪
[grand festive music]
- I can see you're in shock.
♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
- You see, Joe, corporate says we're failing
to reach the younger internet crowd.
We need people who can relate to them.
People who could reach them
in a hip and quirky kinda way. [giggles]
And for less money, of course.
- I- I- I can play the jug.
I mean, is that hip and quirky enough?
♪ See the blazing yule before us ♪
- So do you wanna go out the front door or the back door?
- What are you talking about?
- We like to give newly-separated assets,
in this case, you,
a choice as to whether he or she wants
to avoid being seen by former coworkers.
- Hey, Linda. - Hi, Drew.
You're looking great. - So are you. [chuckles]
- Oh, I get it.
You don't want me to make a scene, freak out?
That's why you want me to go out the back door?
- The company would prefer it.
- Well, since the company's already backdoored me,
I would like to go out the front door, if that's okay.
♪ Don we now, our gay apparel ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Troll the ancient Yuletide carol ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Fast away, the old year passes ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Hail the new, ye lads and lasses ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Sing we joyous all together ♪
♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪
[elevator dings]
- Oh, man. Really? - Yep. I'm afraid so.
- Sorry man. We'll miss you around here.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Look, don't worry about that.
How's your, uh, house situation going?
- Fell through again. We just don't qualify for a mortgage.
- Man, that ain't right. Sorry.
- It all works out. Just keep the faith.
- Ahem.
♪ Fa-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
- Let us know if you have any questions.
We'll be in touch with severance papers.
Merry Christmas! [guffaws]
[upbeat festive music continues]
[blower whirring]
- I can't believe they did this
to you right before Christmas.
- Yeah.
Human resources love Christmas.
Especially love their Christmas firing carols like
♪ I'll be homeless for Christmas ♪
Or their other one.
♪ Santa isn't coming to town ♪
♪ San- ♪ - Santa isn't coming to town?
- Uh- no.
- Oh, sweetie. He is. - Yeah.
- It's just, daddy got the name of that song wrong.
That's all. - Yeah.
- Yeah. Go ahead, go back to bed.
[both sigh]
Look, I know this is tough,
but please don't ruin the holiday for the kids.
- Okay.
- Get some sleep.
Tomorrow's a new day.
[Joe exhales concernedly]
[downtrodden music]
- Ooh, tough break, buddy.
But just remember, don't stop believing. [laughs mockingly]
- Joe! This is Dylan, your replacement. [laughs]
He's a millennial.
Half your age, half your salary.
People love his blog and he is a master with emojis.
[both cackle]
- Oh, well, tough luck, Michaels. Onward steed.
[hooves clopping]
[Deb snoring]
[soft concerned music]
- You'll be fine.
- I, um, I cashed in my 401k.
- Excuse me?
- That's the only way we can finance
the year of the Michaels.
- What are you talking about?
- A whole year of family fun and excitement and adventure
so we can write the ultimate Christmas letter.
- Wait a minute.
You lost your job and just cashed in on
the one thing standing between us and a homeless shelter?
All so you could write your own narcissistic newsletter?
- Our narcissistic letter. - Oh, f...
- And it's only gonna work if we give it 110%.
- Why didn't you talk to me about this?
How we spend our money should be a mutual decision.
- We never had a discussion about all the shoes you buy.
I mean, how many did you buy last year? 45 pairs.
- That's for when we do something special someday.
- Exactly.
I was gonna wait till Christmas to give you this.
[tender music]
- Joe.
We don't ski.
- Y- I mean...
- Squirrels on YouTube do it better than you.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, but we'll learn.
I mean, that's the whole point
of doing these fun family things, you know?
- [sighs] Chez Monet?
- Yeah. [laughs] Right?
- Bahamas?
Yes. - Oh!
- It'll be awesome. - Wait, Tigger Woods.
- Eh, that's a typo.
- Tiger Woods? - Yes.
The one and only.
- We can't afford this.
- The, the 401k will finance the whole thing.
- Joe, our savings.
- Ah, it's gonna be fine. Trust me.
- Oh, I don't know. [door knocking]
- Oh, it's gonna be great, I'll be there.
It's good.
[mischievous music]
What are doing, Rich?
- Merry Christmas!
[bright festive music]
- What better way to start the year of the Michaels
than a Norman Rockwell-esque sleigh ride
on Christmas morning.
- But Dad, I wanna play with my toys.
- Yeah, Dad. It's Christmas morning.
I didn't even get to open my Legos.
- Joe. This is nice.
But if you wanted to be like Norman Rockwell,
I could have just gotten you some paints.
- [Joe] Why look at a painting
when you could experience the real thing.
Well, here it is.
♪ It is to ride on a one-horse open sleigh, hey ♪
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way ♪
- Where are the horses?
Where's all the snow?
- Uh, I don't know.
[Deb sighs] - Oh, It'll be fine.
It'll be fun. Come on.
Let's, uh, let's go have a sleigh ride, meet Santa.
Be great.
[Caroline gasps] [hopeful music]
Yeah.
- Santa!
[discouraging music]
- Merry Christmas.
Name's Frederick Santa.
You must be my 10:00 am special appointment.
Mighty adventurous of you, man.
Coming out on Christmas for a big holiday hunt.
Let's get it on.
- Hunt?
- Yeah, it'll be like the Easter egg hunt, candy cane hunt.
Anyway, l- l- let's go. Let's get going.
[gentle music]
- Uh, Mom?
[worrisome music]
- Joe.
- Is this supposed to be a sleigh ride?
- Yep. Slay Rides Incorporated.
We kill 'em, you grill 'em.
Now let's go find Rudolph
and get us some fresh Christmas venison, huh?
- Daddy, what's venison?
- Oh, it's, a, it's a little town in Italy.
We'll go there one day.
It's, they make pizzas and stuff.
- Ho-ho-hold on.
- This'll be fun.
[all screaming]
- Poor Rudolph. [dark music]
[Deb exhales sharply]
- [Deb] Guys, go wash your hands.
- [Caroline] Yes, mommy.
- So, uh, I'll just, uh,
put this under the tree then?
[mouse clicking]
[keyboard clacking]
- Yes, Dad. We're fine.
What?
Yeah, he's right here.
He wants to talk to you.
[Joe sighs]
- Hi, Tony.
- Heard you bagged Rudolph on Christmas day. Nice.
Thanks for traumatizing my daughter and grandkids.
Wanna mount my head on the wall?
- Oh, actually, yeah,
but I think you have to be dead first, but-
- Oh, Joe. Gimme that.
Dad? Yeah, I'm sorry.
I know, I know. Okay.
I love you too. Merry Christmas.
- Well, it was, uh, nice of Frederick
to process all that venison for us.
And he even gave us a box of reindeer jerky.
- What the hell were you thinking?
- Well, you don't wanna let
a little mishap spoil our Christmas fun. [chuckles]
- Fun?
That head was eating berries no less than 24 hours ago.
- Um, look, can I make it up to you
with a another Christmas surprise?
- Oh, what's next, a taxidermy elf?
- [chuckles] No.
We're going to England next summer.
- What are you talking about?
- Didn't you read Clive's letter?
- I couldn't get past the part
about having tea with Sir Paul McCartney.
- Oh no, there was, there was a P.S.
and he was inviting us all to his big birthday bash
next summer in the UK.
And it's gonna be like bow ties and black ties
and champagne and caviar and dignitaries
and all that kind of stuff.
So I thought, "Hey, why not?"
So I booked a ticket and RSVP'd and away we go.
Wh- what do you think?
- You want to go to a party for the very man
whose Christmas letter drives you crazy each year?
A party for the man who will likely put this event
in next year's letter.
- Yeah, absolutely.
'Cause then We can write about it in our letter.
What a way to steal his thunder.
It's gonna be brilliant, hey?
[laughs] Oh yes.
- I see you truly value his friendship.
- I think it's gonna be good.
[bright music] [keyboard clacking]
- Hey, everyone.
Bryan Deacrest here with you
to celebrate another New Year's Rompin' Eve in Times Square.
Tonight, we're outside
the inimitable Chez Monet French restaurant,
under new management, by the way.
Where everyone who's anyone
will be enjoying sumptuous dining,
fine music, and a Rompin' Eve tradition:
the midnight pressing of the ceremonial button
that lowers the famous ball.
[energetic music]
- But this is my best suit.
- I'm sorry, sir. Those are the rules.
- I mean, we had a reservation for 6:30.
I wanna speak to the manager.
- You mean the general manager?
Yeah, that'd be moi.
- Oh, bonjour. - Bonsoir.
I'm Norm de Plume, the general manager.
This is Chez Monet.
Where everything is fine and beautiful
and the music's good and the food is sumptuous.
But you're not dressed right.
And I can't let people dressed like you in here.
I'm sorry. I hope you understand.
- Uh, is this even a French restaurant?
I mean, are you even French?
- No. Thanks for asking.
- W- what about my reservation?
- Didn't she tell you about the dress code?
- Yeah, yeah. She did, she did.
- Okay, good.
Well, know you look just great
for a high school reunion, let's say,
Moose Club in Paramus.
Did you show him the rules? - Yes. I, uh, okay.
Again. - Yes.
- Section three, paragraph four specifically states
that we will not serve any man, woman, or child
who's not wearing attire befitting the establishment.
I- - Excuse me, sir.
- Sir? - What?
- Is there a problem?
There must be some misunderstanding.
Ah, oh, see Deb and Joe Michaels 6:30.
- Oh.
But, you know, we can't just,
you are just very pr- p- pretty.
You're a lucky devil.
As lovely as you are,
I can't let your husband dine here tonight.
- Why not?
- At Chez Monet we have rules like,
you need a proper dinner suit.
- What? Like a tuxedo? - Not like a tuxedo.
A real tuxedo.
Like a one-button mohair by Brioni.
- Oh yeah. Brioni would be a good one.
- The rules are the rules.
If I made an exception,
I'd have the let in the whole hoi polloi.
- We had a reservation here
and we're not gonna leave until we're seated
buying some, something expensive
and celebrating the New Year's.
- Well if I may, we may have an option
if you'd be amenable to it.
- Sure, if I must. - You know what?
We can rent you a tuxedo.
Our selection is quite limited, but we have some.
- All right. How much is it?
- 300. - $300.
- 300? That's our whole budget for the evening.
- What were they gonna order? Bread and water.
[Norm laughs] A crouton?
[prim music] - More?
- Yeah, uh, uh, garcon?
Garconesse, or whatever.
- Sir?
- Another round of your finest bread.
- Can I get you anything else?
Uh, some dessert, some bread pudding perhaps?
- No, just the bread's fine.
[bread crunches]
- Sir.
They've requested more bread.
- How about the day-old?
[bread crunches]
Perfect.
- Do you see that?
Is that a Rolex? - Ooh.
Do we get one too?
- Yeah, I think we do.
I think they're giving them out.
- What is this, your 10th bread basket?
- Can we get one of those goody bags?
- Oh, I'm afraid you don't get one now.
- Why not? We're patrons.
- You ate free bread all night.
I'm sorry. Now if you'll excuse me.
- What's a French word for a guy like that?
- Douche. - Yeah. Le douche.
[subdued music]
[subdued music continues]
[patron chuckles]
- Oh Joe, I'm sorry.
- You know what?
I'm not gonna let anybody ruin this night. Okay?
Have I told you that I love you?
- Mm-hmm.
Last week when I took in the garbage cans.
- Oh yeah. - Mm-hmm. Joe!
- [Crowd] Ten, nine, eight, seven
six, five, four,
[crowd clamoring] three, two, one.
[fireworks whistle] [crowd cheers]
[cheerful festive music]
- Happy New Year! Go!
- Stop them! Stop those people!
- Idiots. It's only 9:45.
[fireworks crackling]
- Hi Mr. Clark. Oh my Gosh.
Where you been?
Happy New Year. Muah!
Happy New Year.
- I cannot find my phone.
Deb, Deb, I need your phone.
Quick, quickly. - What? What are you doing?
You gonna tear us apart. - No. It's gonna be great.
Excuse me. Can we get a selfie with you?
- Sure. - Oh, thank you.
- Why not? - All right.
- It's not like I don't have any time to kill.
- Cheese. [shutter clicking]
Huge fan. I love of you on "American Band Stand."
You are great. All right.
- I bet this never happened to Dick.
[phone buzzing rhythmically]
- Hello? - Joe?
- No. - Oh, I, oh.
I'm looking for Joe Michaels.
- Oh yeah. Right.
I'm afraid the Michaels
are thankfully no longer in this building.
- Oh. - So.
- Well, I, I heard he was coming in
to the big city tonight.
I guess I missed a hell of a party.
- Ah, you could say that, yeah.
Now I'm afraid I don't wish to help you anymore.
I hope you have a very happy New Year.
- Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait. - What, what, what, what?
- Could you tell him about the package? My package for Joe.
See, I missed it on my route
and well now it's, it's leaking and...
- I'm sure it is.
I'll be sure not to let them know.
- He'll, uh, he'll find it tomorrow.
Looks like you've got a pretty nice place there.
- Bloody hell.
- Dining and dashing. I feel so dirty.
We turned Times Square into a ghost town
on New Year's Eve.
Who does that?
- Well, Times Square is so overrated.
Besides, there's nowhere to pee.
Sorry. Correction.
I did see someone peeing in a mailbox.
In fact, I saw a lot of people peeing.
And we didn't even dine we just had some bread.
It was fine. - Then why did we dash?
- Uh...
- Wouldn't have anything
to do with that Rolex on your wrist now, would it?
- Well, I mean, you have one as well.
- I'm not wearing it.
- Well, look, besides,
I mean all those people at that restaurant,
that this means nothing to them.
It's like a pair of socks to them.
- A very expensive pair of socks.
[Joe sighs]
[phone ringing]
- Your phone's ringing.
Ah.
Hello?
- Oh, it's you.
Heard you got yourself a pair
of hot watches the other night.
Thanks for making my daughter a felon.
What are planning next? A homicide.
Joe, you there?
- Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'm here. I was just trying to do something else.
- Get my daughter on the phone.
- Who is it? - Grampus.
No, I mean Grandpa.
Is your mom around?
Deb? Deb? - Momma!
- Little thing is on the phone.
Crazy ol' Grampa.
Grampa.
[mischievous music]
- Oh, hey Rich. - Hi, Joe.
- Oh. - Whatcha got there?
Thank you.
Why do your packages look like
they're being used as a ThighMaster?
- Oh, well, sorry. I'm sure it's fine.
Yeah? Here. - Okay.
- I just need your signature.
- All right. - There you go. Right there.
- So, uh, how's life?
- Well, I'm getting the vasectomy.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, my wife's been bugging me for years.
At first she wanted to be like that family on TV.
You know the one with the 10 kids?
- Oh yeah.
- But after four C-sections,
a couple of sets of breach twins
and giving once birth on a roller coaster,
she got tired of trying to keep up, so.
- Yeah. - Nine's the magic number.
So next week I, I'm seeing my urologist and Dr. Stoppe.
- Dr. Stop. Is that like stop?
S-T-O-P? - No, no.
S-O it's two P's and an E. - Oh.
- Like, like shoppe, you know, like ye olde shoppe.
- Right. Yeah.
Yeah.
So he's kinda like a boutique back vasectomy doctor
kind of thing? - It's a regular office,
but he says a couple of snips
and my baby making days are over.
- Wow, well thanks for your public service there, Rich.
- Hi, Rich. - Mrs. Michaels.
Well, uh, well, nice talking to you, Joe.
Mrs. Michaels. Deb. [chuckles]
- Uh, did he just wink at you?
- I think it was a twitch.
Probably nervous about that vasectomy.
- Hmm. [bright music]
- [Joe] There's nothing like
the crisp winter snow in the mountains.
Right, kids?
Come on. We're headed to Goliath Mountain.
The Goliath Mountain.
Who's ready to rip some poo.
- [Deb] Think you mean rip some pow.
- Where's daddy?
- He went to register us for the tennis lessons.
If he doesn't show up soon,
he's gonna miss the ski lessons.
- Oh, sorry. Sorry I'm late.
Oh, there was a long line.
Look, I just found out that John McEnroe
is gonna be one of the instructors at the tennis camp.
- Get out! - Yeah. Isn't that cool?
- And with that,
I wish you all the best of luck on the slopes.
- Oh, but wait, my husband just got here.
- Oh, uh, he could join my next lesson
and catch up with you later.
How's that? - Yeah, that sounds fine.
You go ahead. I'll catch up with you later.
Go rip some poo. [laughs]
- Pow. [Joe chuckles]
- All right.
- Here's our other participant.
Big Joe, meet Little Joe.
- Oh, like in the "Bonanza"? [laughs]
- No, no. This little guy is a Joe too.
- Hey, hey, Little Joe.
- Who you calling little? - Ow.
- Big Joe and Little Joe,
the first thing we're gonna cover is the snowplow.
- Mm-hmm. - Just watch me.
It's very simple, okay? - Okay.
- That's it. Okay?
Go forward and you're gonna bend.
[Joe whimpers and laughS]
Come on.
- I think I'm doing it. - Mm-hmm. Yep.
Uh-huh. You're really doing it.
There you go. [Joe laughing]
Wow. Good job.
That was amazing.
[bright music]
- [John] Yeah!
[instructor and Joe shouting]
- This is so fun.
- It is, isn't it?
I just wish I knew where your father was.
- Dip it in the sauce. Dip it in the sauce.
Yeah. Okay.
Good job, Little Joe.
Side of mayo. Side of mayo.
Hit it. Hit it.
Okay.
Okay, Big Joe. Come on.
You gotta want it. Come on, bud.
Come on Joe. Come on, Joe.
- Dad? Dad?
- we are out here skiing kind of.
You're, you're doing really good.
You're doing really good, Big Joe.
Super, super proud of you.
[distressing music]
Big Joe, my dude.
Little Joe, you did great.
Big Joe, how's your insurance? [laughs]
I'm just, I'm just funnin' with you.
Just, just take it easy up there.
Remember what I showed you.
And you'll be king of the bunny hill in, in no time.
- Big baby on the bunny hill. [laughs]
- How we doing, sir? - Oh, good.
All right. Step right on up.
- Here we go, sir.
- Okay. - Enjoy the ride.
[Joe yelps]
- Yeah. Where is Dad?
- [John And Caroline] Dad?
[mellow music]
- That was more like a bunny hill.
- Where the hell have you been?
We were worried sick.
We thought you slammed into a tree or flew over a cliff.
- That'd be more dignified.
You know the Goliath Mountain gives
every first-timer who skis down the bunny trail
a little bunny rabbit's foot thing.
- Oh. Yeah.
- Yeah. One of those.
- Where's yours?
- It's, uh, hopping down some trail
in the forest somewhere.
- Let's go get dinner, huh? - Yeah.
- We need all our strength
for tomorrow's tennis lesson with McEnroe, remember?
Come on, kids.
- Uh, I just, I just need to do something.
Just, uh, just...
- Whoa, whoa, where you going?
- Oh, I'll be back in a sec.
I, I, I'll, I'll see you soon.
- Hi. - Hi.
- I'd like, like a photo please.
- Can I see your Black Diamond badge?
- My what? - Your Black Diamond badge.
You got one when you completed the run, right?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I had one.
I think it flew off when I was skiing down the ninth thing.
- Yes. Sorry, I can't take your photo without the badge.
- Oh. Uh, mm, let's, uh.
- Hey, night skiing just opened up. You wanna go ride?
- I am working. - Oh yeah, that's great idea.
Oh, look, I, I, I, I can take care of this.
You, you can go. - Are you sure?
- Yeah. You guys go have some fun
that's really dumb- - All right, let's go.
Let's go. - and stupid.
All right, here we go. Oh, uh.
Okay. Oh!
That's good. [shutter clicks]
[lighthearted music] I can't believe it.
Finally gonna get a tennis lesson
by the number-one tennis champion
of the world, John McEnroe.
- I hate to admit it, but this is exciting.
- Is he that toe fungus guy?
- "For toes that play tennis."
- W- what are they talking about?
- He did a commercial for toe fungus.
It had a cartoon of two toes playing tennis.
The kids laughed.
- Okay, well let's not bring that up.
It might not have been McEnroe's finest moment.
- You're a bunch of losers!
- Especially you grandma.
- That's right. You never once charged the net.
You know, you sat back on the baseline,
you blamed everything on your double hip replacement.
Unbelievable.
- What is that?
- I dunno. I'll be right back.
Hi.
I, I'm, I'm just here with my family
for the tennis lesson.
I was just wondering, what was that jungle gym thing?
What's the deal with that?
- Oh, the extreme ninja course.
- Yeah.
- Tennis isn't as popular as it used to be,
so we had to roll with the times
and, and people love anything extreme anyways, right?
- Uh, I heard that John McEnroe was gonna be here.
I see a lot of people who look and sound like McEnroe,
but I don't actually see-
- Yeah. - John McEnroe.
- You heard right,
but you didn't. - Uh, excuse me.
- It's John, Mac, and Ro Dablonski.
They're our onsite tennis pros
And they're actually fraternal triplets.
Their parents are big fans of Johnny Mac
so, you know, named them accordingly.
It does confuse people sometimes.
Sir, sir, the clock is ticking
and I do not want them mad with me.
Last time they made me climb the extreme rope.
- You came here to play, right?
- Mac asked you if you came here to play, did ya?
- [Children] Yeah!
- We started this facility in honor of one of
the world's all-time tennis grades, Johnny Mac.
[magical music]
Again, if you've never been here before,
please pay a visit to our Johnny Mac tribute wall
where you'll find a wide array
of his original passion rackets.
- Uh, what's a passion racket?
- What's a passion?
It's a racket that Johnny Mac sacrificed
for his passion for the game.
- Oh, you mean like when he lost his shit?
- Ninja.
- Ninja? Why?
- Ninja course!
- For the rest of you,
let's line up and do a return-and-serve drill.
Let's go! - Move! [roars]
[energetic determined music]
- All right, let's start with forehand.
- Crying out loud.
[Mac and Ro laugh] - Next!
- Come on.
- Next!
[energetic determined music continues]
[ball machine thunking]
[Dablonskis laughing]
- Ow! - Yeah! Yeah! [laughs]
You've got to be kidding! - Come on.
- No, it's the, the grip.
I can't get a good...
You realize if Johnny Mac
made an excuse for every time he missed a shot,
he would never have gone toe to toe
with some of the greatest of all time.
- Toe to toe, huh?
Yeah. He knows a lot about toes.
- Excuse me? - Joe, don't.
- Oh, your hero Johnny Mac,
he knows a lot about toes.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- I mean, toe fungus. I mean, come on.
Who in their right mind does a toe fungus commercial
with animated toes playing tennis?
- Toejemina is a great product.
- Oh yeah. What's next?
You know, hemorrhoid cream commercial
with like hemorrhoids running around with tennis rackets?
Well, [laughs] I'd love to see that.
- All right. That's it, funny man.
You wanna endorse a funeral home? Let's go.
[Joe grunting]
- Oh gosh, don't look.
Don't look. Don't look.
- Oh, that had to hurt. Come on!
- Say it! Say it!
Hey, morons, meet my little friend. [cackles]
[Dablonskis laughing]
- Don't do that. Don't. - Not the children!
- [John D.] You're disrespecting the game.
- How dare you disrespect Johnny Mac?
- Yeah? - Oh-ho-ho-ho.
He won seven Grand Slams.
He beat Borg and Connors and Lendl and Gerulaitis!
- Is that another form of toe fungus?
- I'm gonna get ya! I'm gonna get ya!
[jaunty music]
- [Toe Fungus] Me win!
- [Announcer] Remember, toe fungus is nobody's fault.
Ask your doctor if Toejemina is right for you.
[dramatic music]
- Mom, Dad.
- The crazy tennis people are on TV.
- Area triplets, tennis trainers,
and John McEnroe's biggest fans,
John, Mac, and Ro Dablonski
were placed under observation today
after something in the three offspring sprung
while giving lessons
at Goliath Mountain Ski and Tennis Resort.
Video clearly shows the Dablonskis
firing tennis balls at attendees
with high-velocity ball machines.
While no fault has yet been assigned to the Dablonskis,
it appears there is no love lost
between them and their students.
Now, let's see what Susie's serving up in the weather.
- So are we finished yet?
- Finished?
- With that stupid Christmas letter.
So far, the kids have seen Santa gut a deer.
We ruined New Year's Eve for untold millions of people.
And today they witnessed a family of nut-job tennis pros
with an unhealthy obsession for John McEnroe
have a major psychotic breakdown, in unison,
over his role in a toe fungus commercial.
- Yeah, but I, I, I, couldn't control that.
I mean- - No, you can't.
So then why are you trying to control our lives?
- What do you mean?
- Is any of this real?
Where's your Black Diamond badge?
Are you gonna put photos
of the attack of the ball machine in the letter?
- No. [laughs] - No, exactly.
Because reality isn't as pleasing as fantasy.
- But I mean, isn't it the whole point is to show people,
I mean, how much fun we've been having.
- We're not having fun.
- It hasn't been all that bad, has it?
I mean, you've, you've had some fun.
I mean, skiing and hanging out with all the kids, I mean,
isn't that what it's all about?
I organized a, a special day
just for the two of us at a spa.
[gentle music]
- Really? - Yeah.
We're gonna get carp pedicures.
- What? - Yeah.
- Carp like as, fish carp?
- Yeah. [chuckles]
Yeah. So what you do is you have a glass of wine
and you put your feet in this little tub
and, and the carp come
and they eat all your dead skin cells.
I mean, sounds kind of gross,
but you know, it's doesn't hurt or anything.
It feels kind of tingly and it's very therapeutic.
And you always complaining about your heel thing.
So what do you think? It's gonna be great, I think.
[distressing festive music]
[distressing festive music continues]
Who knew the carp would be so hungry, huh?
[keyboard clacking]
[keyboard continues clacking]
[boat horn blares]
- This is my kind of weather.
- Yeah. Ope. [phone buzzing]
All right. Better get this.
- Michaels. - Hello, Clive.
- Can you hear me, Joe?
- Yeah, I'm here. - Yeah, sorry.
On the heli on the way to Majorca for a boys' trip.
Sometimes I can't hear over these damn rotors.
- Yeah, I have the same problem with the rotor brakes.
- Well, we're excited for you
to join us for my birthday bash.
Still set to make the journey?
- Yeah, yeah, sure.
- Ah, fantastic.
Well, Bono's confirmed
and we might even get a visit
from our family friend Charles.
- Like King Charles?
- The last time I saw him,
he was up the other end of my tennis court
doubled over after I'd beat his royal ass. [laughs]
So how's the job going?
Seen any profit shares or stock options yet?
- Yeah, well I was laid off just before Christmas, so.
- Oh. Bad luck, Michaels.
I hope that won't stop you from visiting us
and I trust you've got a generous severance package there.
- Yeah, yeah. I, I did.
In fact, I'm just here at the Port of Miami with the family.
We're just about to get on a luxury cruise.
- Yeah, well anyway, Michaels, we're about to take off,
so I better be on my way.
You enjoy that and avoid those tourist traps.
- Yeah, will do.
And, and look out for those helicopter blades
so they don't, you know, cut off your head. [chuckles]
[helicopter buffeting]
[ship horn blares]
- [PA] Yeah, guess the rest of you folks
are cruising with us down here.
All aboard for Bahama Mama.
You just have to climb down here to the maintenance pier.
- [sighs] Bloody hell.
- [PA] It's gonna be an adventure.
[keyboard clacking]
- Hey, John. John, wake up.
You know what day it is?
- It's day? - Well, yeah, it's day.
But this is, we might get out
and be able to play with Tiger Woods day.
- [groans] Do I have to go?
- "Do I have to go?"
You're gonna miss out on the opportunity
to play with golf's living legend,
the one and only Tiger Woods.
You wanna sleep through that? Come on.
- Isn't he that guy who crashed his car into a fire hydrant?
- Yeah, that was, I don't know.
- Didn't his wife smash all of his windows
with one of his golf clubs?
- No, no, I think she was trying
to get him outta the car or something like that.
- He was only going five miles an hour.
- What is this, CSI?
Come on, get out of bed. This will be fun.
We'll play golf, we'll Have a good time. Come on.
- I hope she's not there.
- [John] [sighs] Don't worry about it.
[gentle music]
This is supposed to be the 100 Acre Wood Country Club.
Where, where am I?
Oh.
Oh! my God, man, that stinks.
Um, excuse me, miss, miss.
Excuse me. I, I think I'm, I'm a little lost.
I'm, I'm, I'm looking for the 100 Acre Woods Golf Club.
- This is it. Or was it.
Now it's 10 Acre Woods.
- Oh, okay.
W- what? I don't understand.
What do you, what do you mean?
- A couple of years ago, the owners discovered
there was natural gas under the course
and sold it to Gas Co.
Now, they're fracking the back nine.
Hey, hey, hey, and because of the gas revenue,
get this, Gas Co. is kind enough
to give back to the community and make it a public course.
- So this is it?
- It is now one of the most challenging courses around.
- Oh my God.
- See that big tank over there?
- Mm-hmm. - Filled with fracking fluid.
- What? - Oh! And the ponds!
- They're on fire.
Why, why are they-
- Great use of wastewater, right?
We have more water hazards here
than any other course in the state.
[John coughs]
Course, uh, if your ball drops in one,
it's best to ask for drop.
- Uh-huh.
- Did we get in a car accident?
- Uh, no, no, it's fine.
Shh. We're on a golf course, I think.
Um, yeah, look.
My son, my son and I, we, we booked in
a, a private lesson with a golfing professional.
I hear he is a bit of a golfing legend.
- Tigger Woods.
- Don't you mean Tiger Woods, right? Tiger Woods.
Golfing legend, wears the green jacket,
drives into fire hydrants.
Yeah, it is a typo in the thing here,
but I know you mean Tiger Woods, right?
- No, it's Tigger.
I get why you thought it was a typo.
I mean, what are the odds of a guy who plays golf
being called Tigger Woods?
- Yeah. What are the odds.
Right. - Anyway, uh.
- Ow! - People aren't usually
too happy when they find out about that.
- No. - But, uh,
Tigger enjoys all the attention.
He's a happy guy anyway.
- Okay, great.
- Yeah. Speak of the devil.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
[Tigger imitates brakes squealing]
- Hey, I'm Tigger.
- Oh, hi. - Hey.
- So you must be what, Christopher Robin?
- Robinson, actually.
Oh, and, um, you got a little poo.
- Yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Winnie the Pooh, Tigger, Christopher Robin-son.
You guys are hilarious.
- I'm not really sure what you're getting at,
but you're literally standing in dog shit.
- Aw, crap. [Tigger laughs]
Why is there so much dog shit everywhere?
Dammit!
Oh man. - All right, so,
should we begin?
- Begin what? - You mind being a?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Thank you. He's gonna go get him something.
- Sure. - Chop chop.
- Woo-hoo! That was fun.
- Gimme this. Yeah.
You wanna make sure you have one of these babies
when you're playing 10 Acre Woods.
If not, you'll be gasping like a perch on the pier
by the third tee.
[Tigger and Christopher laugh]
- [John] Dad?
- [Joe] Yes, son.
- Is this what hell is like? - Yeah, pretty much.
[keyboard clacking]
Ah, yes.
[mischievous music] - Joe!
Whoa, whoa. - Rich.
What are you doing delivering packages this way?
- Running behind. Hope you don't mind.
- No, why would I mind? That's, that's fine.
Look, let me get that for you.
So how did the little procedure go with your, you know?
- That snip snip thing? - Yeah.
- Oh, well it was fine for a while.
- For a while? What do you mean?
- Yeah, my wife got pregnant again.
- Oh. - I mean, [scoffs]
I guess it didn't take.
You know, go figure.
And it, it stinks too
because now I gotta bring the handyman back
to put an addition on the house, you know,
to accommodate the kid.
And the guy's costing me an arm and a leg.
- Mm. Wow.
- He spent 12 weeks on our bedroom redo.
- Whoa. - It's, it's just ridiculous.
But, you know, I can't complain.
The guy's a, he's a craftsman.
- Hmm. Okay. - No, my wife can't say
enough about his skills with wood.
- Oh, okay.
Well look, I hate to take the packages and run,
but I think I left something on.
Maybe it's the oven.
- Well, thank you for keeping me busy.
- Yeah, yeah. No thanks.
Thanks, Rich. - And thank you too, Deb.
- Yeah. Okay, okay.
Thanks, Rich. - Yeah.
- All right. All right. - See ya.
[aggressive music]
[aggressive music continues]
- [chuckles] Oh, what do you think?
This is our year. This is our time.
We're gonna go to Clive Hammersmith's party
and we're gonna live it up on his dime.
- I'm just having second thoughts, it's-
- No, it's fine.
People go across the Atlantic on private jets all the time.
Besides, it's gonna look great in the Christmas letter.
[laughs] Woo-hoo. Yeah, here we go.
- This is exactly what I'm talking about.
- Is this all?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Do you need my ticket?
'Cause I bought it online with the, the discount site.
It was a two-for-one deal with a payment plan.
- Oh no, that's just fine. I can, I can take that.
- Cool. Great.
Oh. Oh, ah.
Can I get a selfie with everybody?
Yeah you can be in this. Yeah.
There we go.
Look at that jet. Look at that.
[laughs] Awesome.
All right, let's do it. Here we go.
- Have a nice trip. - Thank you.
[gentle hopeful music]
- This is nicer than our bedroom.
- Oh, I wouldn't go as far as that.
But it, it's pretty nice.
- This is molten hot!
Where do they heat those, in the engines?
Get me another towel
that won't require plastic surgery after I use it.
[farcical music]
- Here you are, sir. - About time.
I want to open my pores.
Open. Get it?
This, this tepid rag ain't going to cut it honey.
No thanks.
- Someone needs to shut this guy up.
He's being a real jerk.
- It's a long flight.
I don't need an international incident, okay?
- Okay. Okay. [chuckles]
Yeah.
- Um, we're offering a light snack
of either chicken or avocado sandwich.
- Oh, I will have the chicken.
- Yeah, make it two, thanks.
- [Maggie] Very good.
- Oh, thank you so much. - Thank you.
- I'll have the chicken too.
- I'm sorry sir,
but for some reason those are the last two chicken.
- What!?
- Oh, you can have my chicken sandwich if you like.
- Well give it to me then.
- Sure. Here.
[playful music]
[keyboard clacking]
- You're kidding, right?
- No, I mean those Icelandic dudes were pretty cool.
- Well you're lucky.
Thank God those flight attendants vouched for you.
Priscilla told them you were a hero and Maggie said
you gave "that duffer a right, good bollocking."
- Uh, yeah.
And look where it got us.
The trip was gonna be the icing
on the Christmas letter cake.
Our coup de gras,
or coop de grass, or whatever you call it.
[phone ringing]
Oh, uh, do you want me- - Go ahead.
- Okay. [exhales sharply] Hi, Tony.
[playful music]
- Oh it's you.
I heard you grounded a transatlantic flight.
Well, thanks for putting my daughter
on the terrorist watch list.
Remind me never to travel with you.
Probably end up getting a cavity search.
- Yeah, probably.
But they still wouldn't find your soul up there,
that's for sure.
- Put my daughter on the phone!
- Fine. Here's Krampus.
- Dad? Look, we're in the middle of something.
Can I call you back? Okay.
You ever think that
what actually might make your letter special,
the thing that will truly make it stand out,
might not be about what you've done for yourself,
but maybe about what you've done for others.
It's the Christmas season, Joe.
What about doing something
that's not about building up your own ego?
- Building. Building, yeah.
That's a great idea.
Why don't we build one of those Homes for Humans?
- Now, that's a great idea.
- Yeah. 'Cause that's what this letter needs.
It needs some heart. - Yeah.
- The Hammersmith letter has no heart at all.
- Well, no, but- - Yeah. No, no.
- It's gonna be great.
So not only do we do cool things for ourselves.
[chuckles] "Look at us." Yeah.
But we also do cool things for others.
Yeah, I can see it now, the before and after photos.
- Wait- - There's us and we're,
"Oh, the Michaels are coming!"
And we're gonna build this house
for these poor people and these homeless people
and they come in there and they're all happy
and everyone's gonna go "Look at this."
Oh my. [chuckles] Oh, this is brilliant.
Deb, you might have just saved the Christmas letter.
[Joe laughs] [gentle music]
[laughs] Yes.
Hi. We're here to help build a house.
- Great. Martin Kennedy.
Can I get your last name?
- Uh, we're the Michaels.
- I'm sorry, Mr. Michaels,
I don't see your names on the volunteer list.
- We're kind of being a little spontaneous
and, you know, we kind of got caught up
in the whole materialism of everything
and I thought, you know, I wanted to show the kids
what it's really all about, giving back,
and what a better thing to do and then help build a house.
- It's mighty nice of you, Mr. Michaels.
And I would sure hate to ruin
such a wonderful lesson for the kids.
- Oh, I appreciate that, Martin.
Can I call you Martin? - Sure thing.
Uh? - Joe.
[both chuckle]
- Well is there anything we could do?
Can you help us out?
- Yeah. Mr. Michaels, you and the-
- Oh, call me Deb.
- Deb.
You and the kids can help out over there with landscaping.
And Joe, I could sure use some help
with some light plumbing.
- Great. - I'm short a plumber,
our deadline's only three days away.
You know how to sweat a copper pipe?
- Uh, well, I know how to sweat.
So that's a start, right?
- Okay, well let me get you set up over here and then-
- Wait, wait, wait.
Let me, uh, can I get a selfie,
just you and all of us in front of the house?
- Okay, sure.
- Uh, say "cheese."
[shutter clicking]
- Okay, formalities outta the way. Now we can get to work.
- Great. Thanks again Martin. - So much.
- Very well.
This is gonna be the bathroom.
Here's your torch.
Just press- [glass shatters]
Oh, I better check that out. - Sure.
Be right back. - Okay. Okay.
[playful music]
Okay. [exhales sharply] [shutter clicks]
[torch whooshing]
Oh! [fire engine siren blaring]
Martin, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
I was only trying to help.
It was an accident.
I, I, didn't mean to burn down the house.
Wait.
- What's up, Joe?
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, we were tweaking my house, but, but then, you know.
- Well this is your house?
I burnt down your house?
- No, Joe. It's all right. It's just a house.
It's gonna get rebuilt.
- I- I...
- Hey, everything works out. Remember?
It's all good, man.
Take care buddy. - I don't know what to say.
I'm, I'm, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
[disappointed music]
[gentle music]
- Grandma! Grandpa! - Oh! Hello!
How are you doing? - Hi, pie.
- Oh, mom! - Oh, look at you.
- You didn't need to do that. Come on in.
Come on in. - Hi, sweetheart.
- Missed you guys! - Gosh.
- Muah! - It's good to see you.
- [Grandma] How tall are you now?
[subdued music]
[subdued music continues]
- I know Joe's lay off has been hard on you, honey,
but you know, if you need anything you call us.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Need anything? She's got everything. [coughs]
No offense little baby girl.
But you gotta lay off those shopping channels.
You know what QVC really means?
Quickly-vanishing cash. [laughs]
- Aw. Don't oh. [all exclaim]
Speaking of vanishing cash.
What's this crap I hear about you cashing out your 401k?
- I never said a word to him.
Mom! - I'm sorry.
I just couldn't hold it in.
It just seems so crazy.
- Because it is crazy.
Who in their right mind blows their retirement savings
just to live out their fantasies to try and impress others?
Hm? - Fantasies?
Tony, you're the one who wanted
to become a professional baseball player
so you dipped into your savings
to pay for that professional baseball camp.
Then you had to go back to your savings
to pay for that lawyer
to get you outta that Nolan Ryan case
that you were involved with.
- That's son of bitch brushed me back.
- Well, you didn't have to charge the mound, did you?
- Stop it.
Stop it.
I'm sorry. Honey, I just needed to talk to someone.
You were so hell bent on this big plan of yours
and I was worried about our finances.
I needed to vent. That's all.
- Excuse me.
[no audio]
[button clicks]
[trash bin rustles]
[water sloshing]
[bell dings]
- Mommy! Cookies are ready! [Deb laughs]
Okay, hold on.
Hold on it's hot. Be careful.
- [John] Dad, mail's here.
- [John] Bring it on up.
- [John] Our first Christmas card.
- Thanks, buddy.
[letters rustling]
[stressful music]
- [Clive] Greetings from the Hammersmiths.
I hope you're well and in good spirit.
As Christmas approaches,
you know I like to take time out
to reflect on all the wonderful times my family
and I had the past year.
The highlight being my big birthday bash.
[subdued music]
- Joe.
Joe!
[determined music]
Joe, you can't do this, no.
[Deb knocking] Joe.
Joe, this is fiction and you know it!
Joe!
Joe, please.
You can't send this, Joe.
[door rattles softly]
- Deb, open the door.
I just wanna go to bed.
Thank you. [grunts]
Come on.
Fine. I'll sleep downstairs on the couch.
Then I can keep an eye out to see if any packages arrive.
Oh! Really?
[gentle music]
[gentle music continues]
♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Holy night ♪
♪ All is calm ♪
♪ All is bright ♪
♪ Sleep in ♪
♪ Heavenly peace ♪
[birds chirping]
- So? Got it out of your system?
[gentle music] - Oh yeah.
Well, almost.
Just as soon as I drop the letter off at the post office.
- And that's it? - Look, I know you're thinking
I'm being obsessed with this Hammersmith letter,
but, I mean, what kind of an example do I set
for you and the kids after everything I've put you through.
- Uh, that you're not an idiot.
Look, you came up with this idea, hair-brained idea,
because you lost your job.
I got that.
And I wanted to support you.
You wanted to do things as a family and I agreed.
But the next thing I know,
we are doing things no one wants to do.
We are trying to shoehorn some form
of manufactured happiness into our lives
while overlooking the real happiness we already have.
And for what?
So you could prove something
that never needed proving?
Somehow this whole living well idea
has morphed into a living hell.
- Yeah. but living well- - Is the best revenge.
Yes. Great.
Revenge on everyone and everything that ever wronged you.
Go ahead, show them who the bigger person is, Joe.
Prove to them you're nothing like them.
Mm-hmm. G'ahead, send it.
- Yeah, I will. I will send it.
- You can't edit reality like this Joe.
And if you send that letter,
you are no better than Clive Hammersmith.
- Yeah.
You know, the one thing I learned in advertising
is perception is reality.
With this letter,
I will be better than Clive Hammersmith.
We, the Michaels, will be better than the Hammersmiths.
- You send that letter, there might not be a we anymore.
[subdued music]
[impactful music]
[impactful music continues]
[water sloshing]
[gentle music]
[gentle music continues]
[water sloshes]
[brakes squeak]
[gentle music continues]
- You got it.
Hey, boss. How we doing tonight?
- Good. - What can I get you?
- Can I just get a, uh, craft beer?
- The closest thing we got is a Utica Club.
- Okay. Utica Club sounds good.
Thanks. Hey.
- There we are. - Thanks.
- Tough night? - Tough year.
- Tell me about it. You know, I got a story for you.
The past six months, I'm fighting the health department
because they find one rat
and it's like they opened up a federal case against me.
It's, it's... [laughs]
You know what? Rats, they love those, beer nuts.
Go figure.
So you're not out shopping
with all the other morons tonight?
- Uh, yeah, I was thinking
of getting something for my wife.
- Wife. Yeah! - Wives.
What are you gonna get your wife for Christmas?
- Uh, I'm not sure. She's not really in a Christmas mood.
Do you ever get one of those Christmas letters?
- Like a, like a Christmas card?
- No, it's a, it's a Christmas letter.
It kind of opens up like a novel.
These pictures of families doing all these amazing things.
You know, jet skiing, yachting, travel,
amazing life, you know, all that kind of stuff.
- Every year I get this letter from this guy
that I went to high school with, right.
This jack hole.
The guy gets a patent for anti-skid mark underwear, right?
The prince of skid marks.
I refuse to wear 'em.
- They don't work. - They don't work.
Anyway, this guy, he writes this letter
and he puts in this, this, this picture
of his million-dollar mansion, his fancy cars,
where he sends his kids all over the...
You know where he send my kids?
To the end of the driveway to take out the trash.
You know? Yeah.
- Don't you wish you had his life?
- Nah.
Listen, I may not have my, my name on a building
and my face on a stamp.
Heck, I don't even know my own house. I rent.
But you know what? It's my life.
What's wrong with my life?
You know, what's wrong with your life?
- Yeah.
What's wrong with my life?
That's a good point.
Yeah.
Thanks, uh, for the conversation.
- Well, hey, where you going buddy?
You got your beer?
You didn't tell me
what you're buying your wife for Christmas.
- I'll send you a copy.
Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas, pal. [lighthearted festive music]
♪ It's a wonder land outside ♪
♪ So lets dance in the street light ♪
♪ Underneath the evergreens ♪
♪ In Central Park you look at me ♪
♪ It's a magic kind of scene ♪
♪ It's Christmas in New York ♪ ♪ It's Christmas in New York ♪
♪ The empire state goes green and red ♪
♪ Rockefeller's tree can't be compared ♪
♪ It's a beautiful sight to see ♪
♪ But what matters most ♪
♪ Is in front of me ♪
♪ My love for you ♪ ♪ My love for you ♪
♪ Will always be ♪ ♪ Will always be ♪
♪ The very greatest ♪ ♪ The very greatest ♪
♪ Gift to me ♪ ♪ Gift to me ♪
♪ There's nowhere ♪ ♪ There's nowhere ♪
♪ I'd rather be ♪ ♪ I'd rather be ♪
♪ Than here with you ♪
♪ Than here with me ♪
♪ At Christmas time ♪ ♪ At Christmas time ♪
♪ In New York ♪ ♪ In New York ♪
[lighthearted festive music fades]
- Are you and dad gonna talk to each other again?
- I don't know, honey.
- Can Santa fix it? - Honey.
- I know what.
I'm gonna ask Santa if I can trade my presents.
- What for?
- You and daddy to laugh again.
- I wanna trade my presents too.
- Oh. [phone ringing]
- Hi, Catherine. Merry Christmas to you too.
What?
Wonderful? [bright music]
Are you sure it's our letter?
Okay. [chuckles]
Uh, I'll tell him. We love you too.
Merry Christmas.
- Is everything okay?
- She wanted to wish us a merry Christmas.
Hmm. [phone ringing]
Hi, Uncle Harold.
Wait, I don't understand because...
Aunt Martha cried when she read it?
Yeah, well I cried when Joe sent it, but...
Okay, I'll, I'll give him a hug.
You bet. Merry Christmas.
- Mail's here. I'll get it.
[phone ringing] - Oh.
Would you get that, John?
- [Caroline] Mama more Christmas cards.
- It's Grandpa.
- Oh, tell him I'll call him back.
[tender music]
[tender music continues]
- Dear family and friends,
this is my first ever attempt at a Christmas letter.
Strike that. My second.
My first is in a dumpster.
Let's just say it wasn't written
in the true spirit of Christmas.
So you can think a Utica Club
and a very caring bartender with a rat problem
from saving you from a fate worse than Black Friday shopping
and saving you from
a horrendous narcissistic Christmas letter filled
with nothing but overblown boasts.
No, the following is all too real.
Boring but real.
We didn't escape to any remote sun-drenched islands,
attend the posh parties
or rub elbows with the heads of state.
Our kids didn't shatter records in sports or academics,
but they, you know, they did us proud
by just doing their best.
None of us won any awards,
but Caroline did make me
the Greatest Dad Award on Father's Day.
No weight was lost.
We may have even gained some.
We didn't make a killing on stocks
or join any exclusive clubs,
but we did laugh a lot, though,
and talked with each other almost every day.
None of us were ill or injured
and no one in our respective families died.
We still have a roof over our heads
and, uh, boundless optimism for a better future.
This in spite of my job loss, which happened a year ago.
And you know, really was a blessing.
There could be nothing worse
than spending your entire life hating what you do.
And I won't lie, I, I hated my job.
The fact is, there's only one job I've ever really loved.
That of being a good husband, father, and friend.
Of all there is to see
and do in this busy world of ours,
there is nothing more wonderful than simply being alive
to share the unending, undying love
of family and friends.
As my mom and dad always used to say,
"We may not have much, but we have everything."
Thanks for being part of our everything this year.
Be of good cheer, and merry Christmas to you all.
Love Joe, Deb, John, and Caroline.
Looks like somebody opened her Christmas present early.
- What is all this?
- Well, you know how you like to order lots of things
and this is the one way I can ensure
you get 'em all in one piece.
And besides Rich wanted and some time off.
He's on paternity leave again. [Deb chuckles]
[tender music continues]
[Clive sniffles]
[soft playful music]
- Bloody hell.
Well done, Michaels.
[soft playful music continues]
♪ A one, two, a one, two, three ♪
♪ My life with you is so much better ♪
♪ Than what I could write in a Christmas letter ♪
♪ Sunny vacations by the sea ♪
♪ Powder blue waves and a pineapple breeze sound fine ♪
♪ If you like ♪
♪ Paris romance and diamond rings ♪
♪ Fancy red wine near the fire and things sound nice ♪
♪ For the price ♪
♪ You give me way more than words can say ♪
♪ More than every gift in Santa's sleigh ♪
♪ My life with you so much better ♪
♪ Than what I could write in a Christmas letter ♪
♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh, yeah ♪
♪ Skiing down snow-white wonder lands ♪
♪ Will never compare to holding your hands in mine ♪
♪ Oh, baby, you shine ♪ ♪ Shine ♪
♪ Brighter than the Northern Lights ♪
♪ Green auroras burning inside of your eyes ♪
♪ They light my fire ♪
♪ Let's throw aside ♪
♪ That glass-half-empty life ♪
♪ I wanna hear you say ♪ ♪ I wanna hear you say ♪
♪ My life with you so much better ♪
♪ Than what I could write in a Christmas letter ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah ♪
♪ Life with you so much better ♪
♪ Than what I could write ♪
♪ In a Christmas ♪
♪ Life with you so much better ♪
♪ Than what I could write in a Christmas letter ♪
♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh, yeah ♪
[no audio]