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Anna!
They've sent him to Ceccano.
THE PRICE OF NONNA'S INHERITANCE
Are we ready?
Yes!
I want you pumped!
The song of Class 3B!
Alan's song!
Who am I?
I know. I think.
Did you recognize me by my hands or by my voice?
Both.
How long has it been?
I'm scared to even say.
Better not say. It's been too long.
I've traveled all of South America. A lot of Chile, a lot of Bolivia,
a lot of Venezuela.
What'd you do over there?
My own kind of theater. Spontaneous.
Incendiary political stuff. I've even been to jail.
Because of your political plays?
Drug dealing.
Political theater in certain countries isn't sustainable unless you deal drugs.
How's your mom? Is she still acting?
No.
No one casts her in anything anymore.
Give me her number.
I'm putting something together and have a role for her.
Are you joking?
I'm not joking.
You'd be doing her a huge favor.
It's too bad, you know.
You and I got together much too soon.
Too soon. We were
small seedlings.
Well,
the way you fucked around,
you were more climbing vine than seedling.
And to get back at me, you hooked up with the guy from 3F.
The asshole.
He's my husband.
Not such an asshole, then.
Look, I'm leaving for Asturias tomorrow.
I'm doing a masterclass to become an animal mime artist.
Imagine that.
Can I call you when I get back?
Yes, of course.
We can go for a coffee,
or maybe eat hay if you come back a horse.
Actually, I wanted to show you my theater.
-I'd love that. -And that's not a sexual innuendo.
No, I didn't think it was a sexual--
Good night.
-Good night. -Night.
Thank you.
These damn sports cars.
Fuck.
ONE MONTH LATER
Excuse me? We're ready to order.
No, we're not. We're waiting for Mom. Thank you, but we're still waiting.
-Waiting for Mom. -Of course.
I wonder what she has to tell us.
I think I know.
What?
It may have something to do with her job, but my lips are sealed.
Maybe she's finally ready to cough up some dough.
-God willing. -Please don't start.
She inherited it. It's her money. She'll do whatever she wants with it.
Please. Carlo, tell them.
Tell them what?
But she's 90. Is she gonna take the six million to the grave?
It's about helping out the family.
For instance, I need to renovate my tea parlor a bit--
-Again? -Just a few things, Dad.
In the meantime, while I job hunt,
it'd be great to have an apartment of my own…
Aren't you happy with us?
Oh, yes.
-But after a year of living with you-- -It's time for him to get the fuck out.
Same idea. I was just more direct with it.
Here she is.
She's here?
Anyway, Dad agrees with us about Grandma's money.
-No. -Oh yeah? Why?
After all the trouble I had renewing my boat license,
I wouldn't mind a dinghy or a little boat.
Okay, so to recap, a tea parlor, an apartment, and a dinghy.
Anything else you'd like to order?
Mom!
-Here you go. -Hello, everyone!
-Hi. -Mom.
-You're so beautiful. -Here we are.
It's been so long.
I know. It's my fault.
Grandma, before I forget, I have a little present for you.
Am I the only one who got Grandma a gift?
It's forest moss tea.
Careful, or mushrooms are gonna grow in your mouth.
Thank you, Ale.
Anyway, I've asked you all to come today
because I have something very important to tell you.
I've met someone who has reinvigorated me.
You deserve it, after all this time.
And to think I'd given up hope.
I know.
But instead,
from the very first night he took me,
my body began to vibrate.
I became like the Strait of Magellan,
passed through and penetrated
by the mighty ships of a skilled explorer.
Gross.
The other night, he lifted me up--
Make her stop.
Here he is!
Hello.
-Hello, everyone. Hi, Anna. -Hello.
Hello.
My love.
-Carlo, right? -Yes.
-I remember you. -Oh, me too.
I'll grab a chair.
-Who is he? -A dickhead.
So, my love? Everything good? Huh?
Are you happy being with your family, your grandchildren?
Anna, I have to thank you.
If you hadn't given me her number, we wouldn't have reconnected,
and Giuliana wouldn't have started acting again.
True.
We're putting together
my adaptation of Hemingway's The Old Woman and the Sea,
with Giuliana playing the old woman.
Oh, the old woman. No kidding.
-And what are you gonna be, the sea? -No. I'll be the marlin.
The fish. Interesting.
We're also renovating his theater, which was falling apart.
No. She exaggerates. It's just a bit worn out.
After all, thanks to God, and the money inherited from Aunt Tea,
we have the funds.
But mostly thanks to you, love.
Thanks to you.
Is the marlin constipated?
Kill me, fish. Only you can do it.
Kill me, sister.
It doesn't matter who kills whom.
Kill yourselves, both of you.
Ouch.
What is it?
Let's take a break. I'm dying in this costume.
How was I?
You're amazing, love. Amazing.
Thank you.
-Take a break while we fix the lights. -Yeah.
-Let's go. -Absolutely.
Tasso?
This is Cuba?
This look like a Cuban night to you?
Okay, this is from a newspaper in Montevideo.
Look. It talks about a Nunzio Zampa in connection with a murder investigation.
The woman, Luisa Rodriguez, was 20 years older than him.
Then there's the Chilean. "Probable arson." Show her that article.
Yeah. Look, Mom. Sorry, but look.
Where'd you get these?
Well, Mom, we had someone investigate.
Who?
A professional.
It just seemed a little strange to us.
What did?
The fact that a vibrant, wonderful man
could fall in love with an old hag like me?
Exactly.
I'm trying to find a gentle way to say this, Mom.
Nunzio killed these women!
What are you talking about, you idiot?
There's no saying it gently. If he killed them, he killed them.
You want a jingle?
You're not jealous by any chance?
Mom, I'm not jealous. I'm worried. Do you understand?
Nunzio married two women, two older women, both rich,
and now they're both dead.
You're rich, you've got six million in the bank, and you're older.
Doesn't that give you pause?
Nunzio's had a hard life.
And I've been alone a long time.
Now you expect me to listen to your petty gossip
and throw my happiness away?
Only if you'd like to live a few more years.
What's that?
-Our wedding rings. -Oh God.
We're getting married in Menorca in two weeks.
What are you talking about?
Then we're moving to Jericoacoara,
a village in the sands of northeast Brazil.
What is this, a soap opera?
How long has she been in her room?
Three hours. She doesn't wanna see anyone.
-Maybe I should go talk to her? -No, for God's sake.
With how depressed you've been, you'll drive her to suicide.
Sorry, I just need something from my purse.
Honey, how are you feeling?
Like someone whose mom is about to be murdered. I'm pissed.
But I'm not gonna let him do it.
What's your plan?
No, I can't involve you. It's something I have to do on my own.
Do what on your own?
Nothing. I don't need anyone's help.
-Just stop it. -Stop what?
Stop it, all this talk.
I'm your husband, for Christ's sake.
I know you think of me as a useless, incapable man,
but in times of need, I wanna help.
Good.
We have to kill Nunzio.
Yeah. Not a bad idea.
Mom, what are you talking about? You're joking.
No.
I'm not joking.
Are you crazy?
You expect me to sit around waiting for a phone call from Brazil
telling me my mom died after being eaten by piranhas
or bitten by a banana spider?
Then let's call the police.
What are we going to say to them?
No crime's been committed yet.
Plus, Nunzio was never convicted for the deaths of his ex-wives.
What can the police do?
Mom, this is nonsense. We can't do this. Come on.
So we just let Grandma die?
Then that asshole gets all our inheritance money.
This is a joke, right? Dad, say something.
What can I say?
This whole idea's crazy!
You always disappear when your family needs you,
like whenever it was time to clear the table.
Have you lost your mind?
We're not loading a dishwasher. We're talking about killing a man.
A man who'll kill my mom if we don't do anything!
Dad, say something, please.
Say something!
Stop being a pain in the ass! Let me think!
No. There is nothing to think about.
Sorry, this is my responsibility. None of you have to get involved.
Anyway, I'm going to bed now. I want to rest.
I need to be clear-headed for tomorrow. I have a murder to plan.
Good night, my loves.
Carlo?
What is it?
Okay, I'll help you.
You don't have to.
When you complained that we never do anything exciting together,
I never considered murder an option.
But if that's what you want,
I'm here for you.
Well? So we can start sketching out the plan.
No, honey. We can't write anything down.
We have to memorize everything.
Yeah, all right.
These days, whatever I don't write down I forget.
I understand, honey,
but let's try not going to jail because they find a blackboard that says,
"Murder Nunzio on Thursday." Come on.
Hello.
-What are you doing here? -Move it. Go.
Your mother and I--
It'd be best if you gave us space so you don't overhear what we say and…
I thought about it all night.
This is a moral issue that's beyond the law.
I'll be damned if I let someone steal my inheritance and continue living!
I'm telling you right now!
Yeah, obviously I don't want him to kill Grandma,
but maybe if we could find an alternative to murder…
My loves, I'm just glad you're here.
We haven't done anything together as a family since our holiday in Greece.
Anyway, before we start, I'd like to say something to reassure you.
If we do this and get caught…
I'll take all the blame.
Fine.
-Who wants coffee? -Me.
So nobody gives a shit?
Fine. I want coffee too.
I brought croissants.
Emilio, stop being stupid. We're just a family having breakfast.
-Don't work yourself up. -Honey, sit down.
Good. Let's get started.
Yes.
So does anyone have any ideas on how to do this?
-May I? -Yes.
Yes, honey.
Wow.
Here we are.
This is Aconitum. It's a plant found in the Balearic Islands.
It's also in Menorca and certain forests of Santo Tomás.
Here.
Give this to Dad.
It contains aconitine,
a substance that causes sensory nerve paralysis.
Oh, good.
Ingesting the plant's flowers causes the throat to contract,
leading to death by asphyxiation.
So essentially, it'll look like a heart attack.
Heart attack.
It leaves no trace.
I woke up early this morning and went through every botanical book.
Look at that. You've inherited your mom's pollen allergy and her killer instincts.
Mommy's little girl. Your sister's amazing, huh?
So to sum it up,
the wedding's taking place at the villa, the one rented by Mom.
Before the guests arrive,
we'll have four days alone with Nunzio.
Four days before the wedding.
So that's four days to…
to…
do it.
By the way, we've never been to Menorca.
True.
I hear it's great for walks.
Don't you have a suitcase?
Everything's in here.
Three boxers, three shirts, and Bergson's Introduction to Metaphysics.
Did you bring an electric blanket and inflatables for swimming?
Of course.
I'm glad we'll be spending time together because you make me feel younger.
I have that effect on people.
Going on vacation with a man romancing a 90-year-old
makes Anna seem like an adolescent.
Yeah, laugh it up.
What if we don't find any Aconitum in Menorca?
Huh?
What if we don't find any Aconitum in Menorca?
We'll find it.
Anyway, I brought some arsenic just in case.
What the fuck?
Don't start, please.
What if they check your suitcase?
They won't.
-But what if they do? -Why would they?
-This is an airport! They're gonna check! -Calm the fuck down!
I put it in yours anyway.
Really?
Yes. Mine was full.
I'm kidding.
Calm down.
You think I'm crazy enough to carry arsenic with me?
In a vial in the shape of a skull.
Dumbass.
We have a problem.
What?
Emilio is freaking out.
He says he doesn't wanna go to the Ceccano Fair anymore.
What?
He doesn't wanna use the word "murder" anymore,
so he's gonna use code words like "Ceccano Fair."
What is the Ceccano Fair?
I don't know. That's not the point.
The point is, if we don't do something, he might fuck everything up.
Great. What now?
I'll talk to him. Let me through.
What's up?
Nothing.
Nothing? Your sister says you're concerned about the "Ceccano Fair."
Dad, I don't want to go to Ceccano.
I don't want to go.
It's one of those things where, if you go, it'll haunt you for the rest of your life.
Come on.
The food's a little fatty, that's all. Don't be so dramatic.
I told you I'd pay for it.
It's not about who's paying.
It's a moral issue. How--
Yes, I know.
There are no receipts. Everything's done under the table.
But life sometimes throws things your way that can catch you off guard.
The lesser evil for the whole family is to go to Ceccano.
Anyway, you can always decide not to come with us to the fair.
No one's forcing you, darling.
I don't understand how you're all so flippant about it.
How do you not have misgivings?
There, there. Come on. Daddy's here.
Chin up.
He's a disturbed child. Sick. Very sick.
The fuck did he say?
You're making Mom drive? Can't you drive?
I don't have a license.
I have one from Chiapas,
but it's not valid anywhere other than Nicaragua.
But you drove me home.
I said I don't have a driver's license. I have a car.
I have an idea.
What if we make it look like Nunzio committed suicide?
Instead of using the word "suicide,"
can we go with another word?
What about "tanning," since we'll be at the beach?
Enough with this bullshit.
Because with suicide, no one's gonna be looking for a suspect.
Right? But we'll have to convince Mom that Nunzio's a bit depressed and that--
I mean, they're actors. Aren't they all mentally unstable?
Oh yeah.
I knew this was going to happen.
What do you mean?
Didn't we agree to use Aconitum?
Yes, honey, of course. But one always needs a plan B.
Sure. Especially if plan A is mine. Right?
That's right.
Why don't you ever have even a shred of trust in me?
Enough. Stop acting childish.
Sweetheart, no one's second-guessing your assassination skills.
Come on.
Wonderful! What a beautiful place!
Where have you brought us, love?
For my loved ones, I spare no expense.
It's very isolated.
Indeed.
-Patricia? -Yes.
She's the cook. She'll also take care of the house.
And Luis is the gardener, right?
-And security guard. -Great.
-Great, so we'll show you around. -Let's do it.
Emilio, get out.
-You like it, darling? -It's beautiful.
See how gorgeous it is?
Over there's the swimming pool.
Further down, you can access the private beach.
I see. Why are there so many security cameras?
My husband's a little paranoid.
He asked the owners to put them in.
Before I got this job, I used to be in the Civil Guard.
It seems like a safe place to me.
Safe?
It's very safe.
Plus, the islanders know that I'm here.
They know that if there's trouble,
I'll shoot first and ask for names later.
And if he doesn't like a name, he shoots again.
Exactly.
You don't say!
Now there's a security guard.
What are we going to do? I don't know.
What do we do now? Do we have to take out Luis too now?
And let Patricia live?
No, of course not.
We have to kill Patricia too.
Hear that?
-Huh? -That.
I don't know. It's coming from your mother's room.
Are they moving furniture?
They seem unsure where to put it.
What?
They're moving it back and forth, back and forth.
Well, do something.
Do what?
I don't know, but you have to make them stop.
I have to listen to my ex and my mother "move furniture next door" now?
Are they nuts?
Ex? What ex? That was 40 years ago.
He's not an ex.
He's a hospice, a retirement home. Impressive though.
Go, please!
I'm only doing it for you.
What do you want?
It's…
Anna can't sleep.
Why not?
All the noise.
It's the hoopoes in the garden.
Yeah, the hoopoes too.
You know, I also find it hard to sleep when I'm in a new bed for the first time.
Yeah, I noticed.
But I think your daughter is bothered more by the fact she can hear you two
-"moving furniture around." -Huh?
We can hear you moving furniture around from next door.
The bed!
-You know what you should do? -Tell me.
Fuck, so she gets tired and relaxes.
Giuliana, at our age,
we should be respectful and understand when we've gone too far…
I have a slut-in-law.
4 DAYS UNTIL THE WEDDING
3 DAYS UNTIL THE WEDDING
Good morning.
Good morning, Patricia.
-Thank you, Patricia. -Thanks. Yes.
You know,
last night I had something like an epiphany.
I realized that I'm happy.
-We noticed. -It's a beautiful thing.
Finally happy.
I just hope Nunzio doesn't get bored with me.
Sometimes he seems distant,
lost in thought.
That's because, Mom,
the thing is,
Nunzio was being treated for depression as early as high school.
Yeah, it's true.
I thought he'd gotten over it,
but he's told us that…
he feels an existential emptiness
and is overwhelmed by sadness and apathy.
Now that you mention it, Emilio said he's noticed it too.
Depressed people can sense it.
Yes, but Emilio's depression is rational.
He's as lonely as a dog. He has a shitty life.
It's normal the poor dear feels down.
On the other hand, Nunzio's depression,
you don't know where it comes from.
It's a mal de vivre, l'ennui.
They don't wanna get up in the morning because they can't face a new day.
They don't bathe because they're terrified of water.
It's the most dangerous kind of depression.
Guys, this island is amazing! Who wants to go for a ride with me?
That's depression.
Highs and lows. Highs, then lows.
I crave a glider's soaring wings
To reach far and distant things
And a hut by the river's flow
To better clean my feathered plumage so
Once, in Albania, I went horseback riding with Fiordaliso.
I don't know who she is.
-You don't know Fiordaliso? -No.
Then kill yourself. Shoot yourself.
Don't be like that.
Is someone running your parlor while you're away?
It's closed.
Saves electricity.
It's a money pit anyway.
What is?
The tea parlor. It's a money pit. It's doing really badly.
Sorry. I didn't know.
That's because I haven't told anyone.
My suppliers, and now you, are the only ones who know.
Is that why you never call me?
I thought I'd done something wrong.
I thought you couldn't stand your big brother anymore.
Of course not.
I'll always need someone around who's worse off than I am.
Get over here, you animals. Come see this beauty.
I'm gonna get a bottle of water.
Ale?
Ale!
What?
You can get a tan.
Yeah, I hope so.
Listen, I don't think there's gonna be a better time to get a tan.
I don't think I can get a tan!
Why don't you come here and tan?
Fuck that! I'm never getting a tan!
I didn't even want to come to this damn island!
I'm not getting a tan!
I'm never getting a tan!
Neither am I!
Who gives a shit? Don't get a tan! No one's forcing you.
Paranoid nutcases.
Anyway, I have some SPF 50 sunblock.
Let's go for a swim.
Nunzio was taking pictures by the cliff edge,
and Emilio said, "Get a tan,"
so I got closer, and he was right there taking pictures.
And I said to myself, "I'm gonna do it," and I was about to.
Emilio did fuck-all, as usual. But that's okay. It's fine.
So I said to myself, "Now I'm going to push him off."
I couldn't do it.
You've always been like this.
-What? -You took dance but didn't wanna perform.
You took swimming but didn't want to compete.
"No, Mom. I can't do it, Mom." Remember the scenes you'd make?
Remember? "I get anxious. I freeze."
It's not quite the same thing.
No, it is the same.
You have to get over this.
It's for your own good, murder aside.
I'm going to the restroom.
Leave her alone. She's embarrassed enough as it is.
What did I say?
So she didn't push him off a cliff. Whatever, it happens.
She's already beat up about it. No point making it worse.
So I can't say anything? She's not a baby.
That's not the point.
She's the one who sets such high expectations for herself.
Hypotension, nerve paralysis, Aconitum. Get out of here.
She acts like the expert, the specialist, but when push comes to shove, she freezes.
Talking about me?
-No, sweetheart, no. -No, honey, no.
Anyway, in my opinion, given how things are going,
I don't think we can do it.
Enough!
You have to have faith in us as a family.
And most of all, you have to have faith in yourself.
-You're always so negative, Emilio. -Always negative.
I wonder why.
What do you mean?
You've always treated us like two idiot children.
But when it suits you, you expect us to act like adults.
-What great parenting. -Enough! You're always complaining.
Who cares how we raised you or what we think of you as people?
You're 30 years old. Grow up!
Yeah.
This makes me incredibly sad, you know?
To find that we can't even come together to commit a murder.
-Mom's right. -Yeah.
Let's try to stick together and focus on our task.
It's not that hard.
We're not splitting atoms here.
We just have to get rid of one completely useless, idiotic man.
Yeah. Come on.
Go for a walk with your brother.
You can go look for that killer plant.
Yeah.
What's it called again? Anagoneda? Anconeda?
-Aconitum. -Aconitum.
Get moving. Go.
Have some courage.
-Let's go. -Courage.
Who do they take after? Not us.
-After your father, the coward. -Don't.
-Your mother always bossed him around. -Mind your own business.
Anyway, potentially lethal plants can be found anywhere.
You say that like it's a good thing.
No. Nothing. We have to look over there.
You go. I'll wait here.
Why?
I'll be the lookout.
I'll warn you if someone approaches. I'll make the sound of an animal. A horse!
Brilliant. If they hear you neighing, we'll definitely go unnoticed.
Idiot.
-There's a naked man in our bathroom. -Huh?
There's a naked man in our bathroom.
What do you mean, "a naked man in our bathroom"?
Morning.
Who are you?
No, who are you?
Any children here?
Great.
I mean, there are still adults here--
Forgive me. I used your bathroom. My room doesn't have one.
I'm Bojan, Nunzio's best man.
I just got here from Chile.
Get up. Let's go.
You find it?
Goodness. I feel really strange.
That nap wiped me out.
What's wrong?
Stay calm. I need to tell you something.
You're already freaking me out.
I think I found it.
Fuck.
-What if I touched it? -Yeah, I think you touched it.
How do you know? You were away.
You've got a bit of a rash there.
I'm dying.
You're not dying. You haven't eaten it. But let's go to the hospital.
-What if I ate it? -Did you?
-I don't know. -What? Do you graze while you sleep?
People sleepwalk sometimes. Maybe I sleep-eat. Help!
-Emilio! -Help!
No, hold on! Emilio!
I'm dying!
Emilio!
I'm dying!
More fruit, Carlo. More. Don't worry.
Sure. What am I supposed to do?
Where the hell were you?
Don't ask.
You find the plant?
We did, but boy genius here slept on it, so we had to rush to the hospital.
They put cortisone on it, but it's still swollen.
We can't use Aconitum anymore because if they investigate,
they'll connect the dots and catch us.
Why is it that whenever I try to do something, you sabotage me?
-Of course, I poisoned myself on purpose. -Yes--
Quiet.
What's going on?
Nunzio went to the village to pick up some of Luis and Patricia's friends
to celebrate the arrival of his best man.
What best man?
His name's Bojan.
Serbian wedding planner, Uruguayan by adoption.
Is he blind?
Temporarily.
He injured his eyes organizing a First Communion in Valparaíso.
Anna.
-We're alone at last. -Yeah.
Where's Mom?
Resting. She was a little tired.
How unusual for an 87-year-old woman.
I know what you want to do.
What?
Will you have the nerve?
Sorry, what are you talking about?
To leave him.
The Anna I once knew wouldn't settle for that.
Excuse me. May I?
Odd coming from a man
who just fell for an 87-year-old woman with six million in the bank.
You're right.
I've always liked rich women.
But not for their money.
Rich women are happier than poor ones.
I like happiness.
This is me and you.
We're making love during a school sit-in.
No, you've never been that flexible.
Understand?
What's going on?
Nothing's going on. That's the problem.
Without blaming anyone, the Aconitum plan was a failure.
The day after tomorrow, Luis and Patricia are going to a festival in Ciutadella.
That'll be the perfect time to go to Ceccano.
We'll put sleeping pills in Nunzio's drink,
and when Grandma goes to bed--
What if she doesn't?
-Grandma always goes to bed after eating. -Maybe she won't this time.
Don't be a pain. Grandma's gonna go to bed.
If she doesn't, I'll knock her out and take her.
Calm down. So Grandma goes to bed.
While he's asleep, we'll carry Nunzio to the garage.
There are no security cameras on the way to the garage.
We'll put him in the car, connect a hose to the exhaust pipe,
start the engine
until the moment when…
What about Bojan?
And Bojan--
We'll come up with something and have him go to the festival too.
-Or let's kill him too, okay? Happy? -That's too much.
One problem at a time, please.
Emilio, try to be positive.
Be positive, son, for once.
Good thing he's blind.
If anyone's gonna witness something, better it be a blind person, no?
For the next 48 hours,
we have to continue spreading the idea that Nunzio wants to kill himself.
How?
Through a stroke of genius.
We'll fake a suicide attempt in the pool.
In the pool?
Who kills themselves in a swimming pool?
Someone who wants to die. Who cares where it's done?
It's impossible in the pool.
He's not supposed to succeed!
It just has to look like he tried.
And I have a grand plan involving the security cameras--
Why am I bothering to explain it to people with no imagination?
Sounds idiotic to me.
Let's vote on it, then.
Who's against the pool idea?
Great. Mom and I are in favor.
Your vote isn't worth shit. Yours is worth even less.
The motion carries.
-That's not how voting works. -That's exactly how it works!
Since you all agreed I'd take the blame if things go sideways,
I call all the shots!
Anyway, it's happening tomorrow
when Grandma and I are downtown picking flowers for the wedding, okay?
Excuse me, but what will happen exactly?
-I'll tell you tomorrow morning. -Oh my goodness.
I'm so happy to have gotten to know you, Bojan.
Too bad you live so far away.
Indeed.
If you'd lived a bit closer…
3 DAYS UNTIL THE WEDDING
2 DAYS UNTIL THE WEDDING
There you go. Easy. Watch the step.
Careful.
Honestly, this plan sounds like a joke.
He's coming.
Dad, this thing really doesn't make sense.
Just don't hold back. Look distraught. Make it seem like you're devastated.
I don't know if I can do it.
Nunzio, what's up?
I'm going for a swim.
You know Dad can do the "empty-lung" for a full minute?
What's the "empty-lung"?
No, it's nothing.
No, tell him. Don't be so modest.
I was able to hold my breath underwater in the pool for a minute and a half.
Longer, even.
I have a scuba diving license.
I got it in Bali in the '80s
while in hiding from a fake passport charge.
The usual Italian legal nonsense.
Oh, of course.
I bet you can't hold your breath for a minute and a half.
Here's what we'll do.
While I'm under, you take the car, go for a drive around the island,
and when you come back, I won't have moved.
Wait a minute.
Go.
Go!
Oh God!
Oh God, Dad! What's he doing?
What have you done?
-What did I do? -You're crazy! I knew you'd try this!
-Dad! -You're crazy to risk your life!
Never risk your life!
I'm the crazy one? You're all crazy!
You weren't coming up. We thought you'd passed out.
Me? You're all crazy.
You're a weird family.
Not a fun kind of weird, but a sick weird!
You're all sick!
Honey, you're such a shitty actress.
It's too over the top, too high-pitched, too much screaming. Just terrible.
But that's what you told me to do.
It was a little much.
Oh, you think you did any better? Huh?
Luis, you there?
Hi, Carlo. How are you?
-Great. -What do you need?
It's a bit of a sensitive issue.
You should know Nunzio's going through a rough bout of depression.
Nunzio?
But he seems so happy.
He tried to kill himself last year.
And just a few minutes ago in the pool,
he tried to drown himself.
In the pool?
But how can you drown yourself in the pool? It's impossible.
It's not impossible!
Nunzio may be unpredictable, a madman,
but he has incredible mental strength.
You don't need to mention it to him, of course.
I'm only telling you to keep you informed.
I also wanted to ask you to keep an eye on him,
especially when we're not here.
Of course.
Thanks so much, Luis. I'm very sorry.
By the way, there should be security camera footage
that captured his suicide attempt.
Could we watch it?
I'd like you to give me your opinion.
When the owners are away,
the cameras are on, but they're not recording.
Then what the fuck are they there for?
They're a deterrent to keep thieves away.
I'm very sorry about Nunzio.
If you want, I can call a doctor I know. A psychiatrist--
No. He hates psychiatrists. He only trusts shamans.
Anyway, whatever. Bye. Fuck off.
Anna?
Where were you?
I couldn't sleep, so I went for a walk.
Anyway, Carlo, the swimming pool idea was incredibly stupid.
Alessandra's right.
You only keep us close so you can put us down.
I saw you in the pool with Nunzio.
Me?
What are you talking about? I was walking alone.
Then who was fucking on the sofa?
Carlo!
It must've been Giuliana. Those two are like rabbits.
You really think I'd sneak off with my mother's murderer?
I don't know. Maybe you have an Electra complex.
You're in a Jungian phase.
Cut the shit.
Anyway,
Nunzio, who still rolls around on sofas,
throws parties, and practices happiness yoga,
who's gonna believe he'd want to kill himself?
Not even if he said it himself.
Well, if he said it himself, I think they would.
2 DAYS UNTIL THE WEDDING
1 DAY UNTIL THE WEDDING
Let's take a picture.
-What are you doing? -A family photo, all together.
-Come on. -Really?
Take off your glasses, darling.
Now everyone say "cheese."
Actually, no. Say "Grease," with your finger like John Travolta.
Come on. You too, Carlo.
Absolutely.
Great. We're gonna go see the labyrinth.
-Can I ask a personal question? -Go for it.
What's it like having such a hot daughter? Is it difficult?
Why are you asking me?
Such a square.
Never mind.
I forgot you're an engineer.
With the soul of a conformist robot.
Sorry. My fault.
Go fuck yourself.
There it is.
What's happening?
They're preparing for the festival tonight.
Anna? I'm going up.
Yes. We'll be right there.
Giuliana's in good hands.
Nunzio's two ex-wives, they had no one, the poor things.
At least no one protecting them the way you are your mother.
What are you talking about?
About love, Anna.
What do you think of Nunzio? He seem happy to you?
Why?
I don't know. I'm a little worried.
He seems depressed.
I wouldn't want him to do anything foolish.
Like what?
I wouldn't want him to be found
in a garage sucking on an exhaust pipe.
Let's join Giuliana.
Little by little, slowly,
as the early morning emerges from the night,
and at the peak of my anxieties,
your presence is blurred,
much like your distance.
Very good.
I didn't understand shit, but very poetic.
Listen, Nunzio,
I really need someone to talk to,
but my kids are no good, much less Anna.
And you want to with me?
Well, there's no one else.
It's pretty personal.
I think you might be just the right person to help me.
The curse of being loved by all.
Yeah, I bet.
They just latch on to you.
There's a bar just outside. Wanna get a drink there?
-You're paying? -Yes, it's on me. Let's go.
How's it going, honey?
Great. I'm almost done.
You're really lucky, Anna.
It's rare for a daughter to be able to attend her mother's wedding.
It's lovely.
Bojan, what do you want?
What everyone wants.
Love.
Money.
How much?
One million.
One million?
Are you crazy?
For an 87-year-old woman?
Nunzio's my friend.
Look, she's energetic, witty.
But she's also a pain in the ass.
As much as I care for her,
she's not worth more than 300,000 euros.
Come on.
400,000.
350.
Okay, 400,000, and I tell the police
Nunzio already tried to kill himself in Montevideo two years ago.
Okay?
I don't love Anna anymore.
I'd like to write her a letter explaining why.
Actually, I already wrote it, but it's horrible.
You know how to write, to talk. You word things well.
Maybe you can help me rewrite the thing?
-Got a pen and paper? -Yes.
-Here we are. -Okay, ready?
I can't write it. You do it.
I'll copy it later.
Fine, but no crying, okay?
I get that you're sad, but try to grow a pair.
I'd like it to come across as a final farewell.
Life's lost all meaning, and I wish to leave it.
"Anna, my old love."
That's a perfect start, but don't write "Anna."
I'd just write "My old love."
-Why? -Because names are distracting.
-The letter's for Anna. -Of course, but she already knows that.
-"Anna, my old love." -Just write "My old love," okay?
Do we have to get stuck on this bullshit?
-All right. -Come on.
-"My old love." -"My old love."
"I know I'm a--"
"Dumbass."
I appreciate your honesty.
-"An arrogant dumbass." -"An arrogant dumbass."
"A fake."
-"Fake." -"Vain."
Vain? You're going all out, huh?
Yeah.
Okay. "Vain."
-"Behind whose mask…" -"Mask."
-"…lies nothing." -"Nothing."
"Only shit."
-Shit? -Yeah.
-You don't have to humiliate yourself. -No, it's important.
I wanna be clear, direct, to the point of masochism.
"Ultimately, this is why I've decided to leave this world of yours and mine."
It's a masterpiece.
We'll put it in the car next to his body.
His farewell letter.
I have something important to tell you that you need to know.
Oh God. Good or bad?
It's good.
"I realize how valuable my husband is" type good?
No, it's more like, "Bojan knows we want to kill Nunzio."
What? Are you kidding?
No.
How the fuck is that good?
Because it's not a problem.
We made a deal.
In fact, he will corroborate Nunzio's suicidal tendencies.
Don't you think this is getting out of hand?
Honey, don't worry.
It's normal for things to get a little messy when one plans a murder.
Honey, trust me.
Your name is made up of two magical syllables.
"Nun."
"Zio."
Everybody loves you.
You embody 54 female characteristics and 54 male characteristics.
You're not alone.
You are God's big brother.
Everybody loves you.
Hi, Luis.
Hello.
What time's the festival?
Soon.
I saw them practicing with horses.
-Did you enjoy it? -Very much.
Patricia's not feeling well, I'm afraid.
She has a huge migraine.
I don't think we're going.
Luis?
-Luis. -Yes?
We can take care of Patricia.
No, don't worry. Thanks.
My daughter runs a parlor that sells herbal teas for migraines.
She's practically a doctor.
And I volunteered at a dog shelter for five years.
Dogs get migraines, too, and we've treated lots of them.
Okay? We'll take care of Patricia. Plus, the festival's only once a year.
Three times a year.
But this is an island. Nothing ever happens here.
Even one's a big deal, isn't it?
I don't know.
I also had a problem with my car today.
I don't think it'll make it all the way to Ciutadella.
It's not meant to be.
It is meant to be. You can use our car.
Yeah?
In that case, great. Okay, thanks.
You're welcome. How nice.
Great.
Hey.
Yeah?
This is a mild sedative for your mother to make her sleepy.
-Yes. -This one will knock Nunzio out cold.
Carlo, make sure you don't… you know.
Anna.
Who are these people?
The Buraco card game girls.
Honey?
Yes?
You like this dress?
I bought it while on tour in Cairo many years ago.
I do. You look like Vanna Marchi.
You're such an idiot.
I like Vanna Marchi.
Even physically.
-Surprise! -Surprise!
I don't believe it!
-My bridesmaids are here! -Yes.
-I thought you were coming tomorrow? -We wanted to surprise you.
-How lovely! -What's going on?
Her friends are here.
My bridesmaids are here.
Suffering, Misfortune, and Unhappiness.
You can have dinner with us tonight. We'll get shit-faced.
-Absolutely. -Look at this.
-Very nice to see you. -Good evening.
-What a surprise. -Good evening.
-Great idea. -Yes.
They're staying for dinner.
Yes.
I don't think so.
-I mean, Bojan, excuse me? -Yes?
You can't let an opportunity like this just pass by.
Our wedding planner.
The bachelorette party.
The bachelorette party, Bojan.
Oh, right. The bachelorette party.
No, we gotta have one.
So what's the plan?
We're going for an evening picnic.
A midnight swim.
You can swim if you want, but if you're not up for it, no need.
I have a better idea.
Why not take them to the Ciutadella festival?
As long as there's booze!
That's where our hotel is.
We'll get wasted,
then crawl back to our rooms on our hands and knees.
Okay. Off to the festival. Let's go.
Ah, the festival.
Yes.
Be safe.
Let's close this door.
Get drunk for me too, bro. Okay?
Yes, of course.
I'll make it a double.
Okay, bro.
This way. Duck down. Get in.
Bye, pretty ladies. Have fun. Bye.
Bye.
We're not drinking?
-I'll make some rum and Cokes. -You know how?
You gotta squeeze the lime over the ice first.
I know.
-I'll help you. -No.
He knows how to do it.
-Are you sure? -Of course. He's a heavy drinker.
He's ruined so many holidays.
Really?
Since we're family now, we can stop keeping up appearances, right?
We can snort freely. We all partake, don't we?
No, I don't. Thanks.
Me neither.
Well, I do. Family means honesty.
Honesty and coke. You can't go wrong. You can't be disappointed.
Sure.
Here I am.
But I think I left it in my room.
Here we are.
Oh, rum and Coke.
Okay.
This one's for Nunzio.
Thank you.
-This is for you, darling. -Thanks, love.
-Here. -Dad, thank you.
Emilio.
To family.
-To family. -Family.
This has the makings of a great play.
The insecure daughter, the depressed son,
the parents who've been together since high school.
The grandmother who got together with a widower.
Or rather, multi-widowed and younger.
It could make for a great comedy.
A dark comedy, maybe.
It'd depend on the ending.
-Yes. You're right. -Yeah.
Do you have to marry Grandma?
Why shouldn't I?
Maybe it's not such a good idea.
Maybe it's not a good idea for either of you.
Emilio, stop it.
Sorry, I'm suddenly feeling really tired.
If someone would be so kind as to get my cocaine from the bedroom
because I…
forgot it.
And those were the last words he ever spoke.
Everyone says gas on islands is very expensive.
I don't think so. We got some today. It wasn't much.
How much was it? Like 1.60, 1.70 a liter?
We haven't had paella yet. We're here, and we haven't eaten paella.
It's insane.
Luis says traditional Valencian paella has meat in it.
There's also a seafood version with mussels and such. We'll mix them.
We'll eat delicious mixed paella, a perfect meat and seafood combo.
Today, I swam 100 laps in the pool.
A hundred laps in the pool.
It's not an Olympic-size pool, but 100 laps is still a lot.
-So I'm a bit tired now. Good night. -Emilio?
Sorry. Before you put on your pajamas, we have to kill Nunzio. Remember?
-Can I say something? -Please.
Six million.
Is it worth more than Nunzio's life?
Obviously, yes.
But not Grandma's.
It's obvious you and Dad didn't raise us well.
You raised us differently.
So Emilio and I
will not be killing anyone. We're backing out. We can't do it.
Seems fair to me.
Okay.
Really?
Yes, honey.
Go to sleep.
What about you?
Well, we
will slowly wake up Nunzio and take him to his room.
That's what we'll do.
Yes.
I'm sorry for getting you involved.
Really sorry.
But thanks for being there, even though this whole thing
has been completely nuts. I get it, and it's over now.
Okay.
Good night.
-Good night, honey. -Good night, loves.
Good night.
Ready?
Lift him up. You have to lift him.
I get it, but if I grab him by-- He's heavy. I'll grab his feet.
Turn on the light.
Get his legs in.
Yeah, I'm trying.
In the meantime, I'll get the hose.
The letter.
What the hell?
No.
What the…?
-Anna. -Yes?
Come here a sec.
-What? -I can't find the exhaust pipe.
-It should be here. -What?
I can't find the exhaust pipe. It should be here.
What?
There's no exhaust pipe.
What do you mean? That's impossible.
There's no exhaust--
It's not there.
-It's an electric car. -What?
How do we do this without an exhaust pipe?
It's an electric car. We can give him an electroshock.
Get the hell out of here.
Help me over here.
Okay. Now what?
-Now we go to bed. -What?
Your mother's not senile. We told her all about Nunzio's past.
She's aware.
Maybe this is how she wants to spend the time she has left.
No matter what happens.
Oh, I see.
And that should be good enough for me.
I don't know.
I've come this far out of love, in defiance of all logic.
But I'm stopping here.
Come to bed.
In a bit.
Anna!
What was that?
They've sent him to Ceccano.
What's going on? Where's Nunzio?
He was asleep in the living room.
No, he was here with me. Where is he?!
Mom!
-What is it?! Oh my goodness! -What's going on? What happened?
Luis!
Luis, what have you done? You're crazy!
Help!
I'm sorry. I don't know why I did it.
Call an ambulance. Help!
Give me the gun!
Luis!
It didn't mean anything!
Will someone call a fucking ambulance?
A nurse of such beauty could only work in a hospital by the sea.
You really got yourself in a mess this time, my friend.
You too.
What would you have done if I'd left you an orphan?
I'd have bought a Harley and a villa in Montenegro.
What'd you say?
Nothing.
I'm sorry.
About what?
That he's not dead.
What are you gonna do now?
In two weeks, as soon as Nunzio's able to walk again,
we're going back to Rome.
We'll stage The Old Woman and the Sea.
After the show, we'll leave for Brazil.
But why, Mom?
But first,
I'll transfer the six million into your account.
Mom, please.
Maybe a little less.
I'll need money for Brazil.
I've come to accept the real reason Nunzio's with me.
But I want to enjoy my life for as long as I can.
So I'm going to pretend I still have the money,
and I'm going to enjoy Brazil by making him my own personal slave.
You know, at my age,
being in Brazil,
making love on the sand,
it's worth the risk.
Maybe not just at your age, Mom.
-How's the water? -Nice.
Really nice.
-You're not going for a swim? -Hell no.
Here's Mom.
How's it going?
All things considered, okay.
How's Grandma?
Grandma won't be getting married.
Thank God.
But it'd be nice to go on another vacation together.
Even if we don't have to kill anyone.
Right.
So she's not getting married?
Thank goodness. We didn't kill the guy, but at least we saved her.
Nunzio did it all himself.
It wasn't exactly a walk in the park for us though.
We deserve at least a "thank you." Maybe more.
-Right? -Yeah.
Did you talk to Grandma about the money?
-I'm going for a walk. -I'll join you.
What did I say?
-Did you talk to her? -At the hospital?
-Yes. -No, I didn't talk to her.
So I've been on edge these three weeks for free?
-You tell her about my dinghy? -Stop putting a price tag on her.
You know, you just don't want to fucking tell us!
-Don't talk to your mom that way. -Don't talk to her like that!
-Rude. -Not even a raft?
Why is everything always my fault?
-Enough. Stop whining. -No.
If I had my own place, you two could enjoy--
-Just drop it! -No, that's not true.
Here's Mom. And her plane too.
It's plummeting.
I knew it. I had a feeling.
Come on. Please!
You don't know this, but Mother strangled dogs.
And I don't mean poodles.
What's going on with this dog?
-What's going on? -Nothing--
It's a bit of a sensitive issue.
What the fuck is the line?
Luisa…
Luisa… The fuck!
Please make her stop.
-Here he is. -Here he is!
What if we don't find any arsenic in Menorca? Sorry.
What if we don't find--
-No, wait. -Stop.
-Start again? -Giovanni told me.
Very nice.
Who farted?
I can't take it.
I'm just waiting for the fart.
-You're a dumbass. -Go.
They've sent him to Ceccano.
All right.
All right. Fuck it.