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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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“超強笑匠”

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“喜劇界最勇敢的女人”

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“喜劇界一方之霸”

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“超討喜動作片英雄”

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“啟發人心”

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蒂戈諾塔羅:笑聲再現

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大家好

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謝謝布魯克林的大家

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你們知道這不是我的風格

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天啊,真令人興奮

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我太太史黛芬妮今晚負責執導

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好,但今晚是我的場子

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其實我們兩人在我們家裡

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她才是受歡迎的那位
在其他地方可能也是

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但沒錯,她人很好
可是我們常常一起工作

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我們會一起下班,一起回家

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有一天我獨自回家

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我一走進家裡
警報器就出聲:“側門打開”

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我們的兒子開始大喊
“媽咪回家了”

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他們都這麼叫史黛芬妮

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我一走進屋內
我們的兒子芬恩看了我一眼

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然後轉頭看他哥說:“只是她啦”

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好像在說別浪費力氣...

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轉頭去看

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那股失望表露無遺

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記取我的教訓

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麥斯和芬恩出生前
我們常聽到很多老掉牙的建議

30
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一定要出門走走

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你們之後會睡眠不足

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沒有人提過會受到嚴重羞辱

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而且幾乎每天都會發生

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例如剛才說的“只是她啦”

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另一個例子,我在睡前
陪兒子麥斯走上樓

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他問我能不能念故事給他聽

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我就想,這樣很棒

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我們能創造一些特別的共同回憶

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我會躺在他旁邊,念故事書給他聽

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他選了一個故事,我念了起來

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他只是盯著我

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我念到第四頁或第五頁

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他說:“妳可以走了嗎?”

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沒問題

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真對不起

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但你看得出來他都猜到了

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小動物很想念媽咪之類的

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但我累了,所以...

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妳走吧

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我和史黛芬妮有一次半夜睡得正熟

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芬恩跑進來,擠在我們中間

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就這樣擠進去

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在黑暗中,有個聲音小聲地說

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“我有兩個媽咪?”

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我說:“對啊,你有兩個媽咪”

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他說:“我不想要兩個媽咪”

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我坐在那邊心想
“天啊,木已成舟了”

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而且當時很黑

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我沒辦法跟史黛芬妮使眼色

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“這要怎麼解決?”

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00:05:05,723 --> 00:05:10,811
但下一秒他就說:“我要三個媽咪”

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真驚險

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但我絕對想不到我們的小兒子
竟然會幫助我們

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轉成開放婚姻

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但身為一個好家長

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我立刻上網

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建立新的個人檔案

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小男孩要找第三個媽咪

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只能傳近期照片

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他們目前七歲半,我們開始感覺

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生活又回歸正常了
因為我們能夠睡飽

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也能夠出去社交

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我們去了一場電影首映會

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11點回到家,那晚很盛大

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我們到家後,史黛芬妮倒頭就睡

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我當時肚子痛睡不著,所以就想

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“我不會拿這種事煩她

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“這一定沒什麼”

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我每次遇到醫療問題
最後都沒什麼大不了

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這次也一樣吧?

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兩個小時過去後,情況越來越糟

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我只好轉向她
我說:“天啊,我好痛

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“我肚子快痛死了”
她很不耐煩地說

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“會不會是因為
妳在首映會吃太多爆米花?”

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我說應該不是...

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爆米花我吃了快五十年

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不是一直在吃,但也差不多了

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這不是爆米花造成的

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然後她說:“不然妳先起來

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“換個衣服,我們去掛急診

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“還是不要冒險”

92
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然後我說:“我可能走不動

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“我痛死了”

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她說:“妳走不動?
我要打緊急電話”

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布魯克林的大家...

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她打了緊急電話

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然後一個大隻佬消防員
出現在我們臥室門前

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這傢伙身高超過183公分
腳穿消防靴

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身穿消防褲

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肌肉整個外露
沒穿上衣,只用吊帶拉著褲子

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此時我正躺在床上
痛得半死,非常虛弱

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我還穿著睡袍...

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你們想不到我會穿睡袍?

104
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想不到你們的好朋友蒂戈
我會穿睡袍?

105
00:08:26,632 --> 00:08:29,259
然後在家裡走來走去

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還這樣應門

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“是誰來了?”

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因為穿睡袍的人就會這麼做

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你會去應門

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我上次穿睡袍
應該是1977年的事了

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前面大概還有一隻維尼熊

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從陶罐裡挖蜂蜜吃

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100%聚酯纖維

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我媽會邊經過走廊邊說...

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“晚安”

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那位消防員那晚在哪?

117
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我告訴你們他在哪

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他一定躺在他的小床上...

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床的外型就像一輛消防車

120
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夢想自己有一天當上消防員

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總而言之

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我躺在床上

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他走過來說:“我想告訴妳

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“我知道妳現在很痛

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“如果需要,外面有輛救護車”

126
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我說:“非常感謝

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“只是...我不知道自己走不走得動

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“我真的好痛”

129
00:10:01,852 --> 00:10:04,563
然後他說:“那不成問題”

130
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:07,983
然後他把我抱起來

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用那雙又大又壯的手

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00:10:11,903 --> 00:10:13,405
我當時就想...

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這樣還不賴嘛

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超爽的

135
00:10:21,705 --> 00:10:27,210
當時我就想:“我懂了”

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00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:36,803
你們都被嚇到的話
想想看我是什麼感覺

137
00:10:38,764 --> 00:10:40,974
那不是我通常喜歡的類型

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那晚我還意識到一件出乎我意料的事

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00:10:45,354 --> 00:10:46,688
我不知道自己喜歡這種型

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他有留鬍子

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不是普通的鬍子

142
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是這種濃密的大鬍子

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我很喜歡

144
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別用有色眼光看我

145
00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:10,587
我覺得我的客群很明白,在任何時候

146
00:11:10,587 --> 00:11:13,715
你都有可能愛上任何人

147
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不分男女或性向

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00:11:19,513 --> 00:11:21,098
是真的

149
00:11:22,891 --> 00:11:28,271
我真的不知道自己喜歡這種類型

150
00:11:29,898 --> 00:11:35,278
我一直以為,如果我喜歡男生
也不會是那一型的

151
00:11:36,113 --> 00:11:39,991
我一直以為會是創作歌手

152
00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:43,245
畫家

153
00:11:44,079 --> 00:11:45,330
詩人

154
00:11:46,456 --> 00:11:48,250
身材微壯

155
00:11:49,918 --> 00:11:51,253
我們會共用衣服

156
00:11:53,130 --> 00:11:54,756
但不是這種的

157
00:11:55,966 --> 00:12:00,637
但我躺在他懷中,身體軟弱無力

158
00:12:01,388 --> 00:12:03,181
睡袍飄來飄去

159
00:12:05,142 --> 00:12:07,185
他抱著我下樓

160
00:12:07,978 --> 00:12:10,355
然後我說:“經過那兩扇門前時

161
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“麻煩你幫個忙,要小聲一點

162
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“因為如果我兒子起床看到這情形

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00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:26,246
“他們的腦袋會陷入混亂”

164
00:12:26,997 --> 00:12:29,332
但他應對得很棒

165
00:12:29,332 --> 00:12:31,418
你們也懂,他最棒了

166
00:12:33,128 --> 00:12:37,382
他開始抱著我躡手躡腳

167
00:12:37,382 --> 00:12:41,803
把我抱下樓,我岳父也跟我們一起住

168
00:12:41,803 --> 00:12:43,513
他抱著我經過他旁邊

169
00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:46,600
當時史黛芬妮已經先把門打開

170
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:51,021
他抱著我經過她
我就想說“再會了,舊人生”

171
00:12:57,152 --> 00:13:02,365
我們上救護車後
他輕輕把我放在擔架上

172
00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:05,577
在我額頭上親了一下

173
00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:09,039
那是兩情相悅

174
00:13:10,832 --> 00:13:13,543
他關上後門並把門鎖上

175
00:13:13,543 --> 00:13:15,420
沒想到

176
00:13:19,382 --> 00:13:20,759
天啊

177
00:13:21,259 --> 00:13:23,887
看來

178
00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:28,517
我的室友在擔心我

179
00:13:29,392 --> 00:13:33,021
她想跟我們一起搭車去醫院

180
00:13:35,941 --> 00:13:38,401
多謝妳喔,史黛芬妮

181
00:13:39,528 --> 00:13:40,946
真掃興

182
00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:46,618
但如我所料,最後沒什麼大不了的

183
00:13:46,618 --> 00:13:48,995
只是內出血而已

184
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:53,583
兩個星期後
史黛芬妮和我去一個派對

185
00:13:53,583 --> 00:13:58,046
我跟這群人講到這位超性感消防員

186
00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:01,091
半夜抱著我走出家門

187
00:14:01,091 --> 00:14:04,261
我說:“天啊,真希望你們在場
那身肌肉、鬍子

188
00:14:04,261 --> 00:14:05,387
“太性感了”

189
00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:12,269
史黛芬妮聽到
就走過來說:“妳說什麼?”

190
00:14:12,269 --> 00:14:14,396
她一臉厭惡的表情

191
00:14:14,938 --> 00:14:16,982
她說:“妳覺得那個人很性感?”

192
00:14:19,276 --> 00:14:20,235
沒錯

193
00:14:21,987 --> 00:14:23,613
這不是一個看法

194
00:14:25,574 --> 00:14:27,033
這是事實

195
00:14:28,159 --> 00:14:31,413
我不知道在場誰有同感

196
00:14:31,413 --> 00:14:35,208
但在社交場合時

197
00:14:35,917 --> 00:14:39,504
發現妳跟妳太太喜歡的男人類型

198
00:14:40,338 --> 00:14:43,174
完全不一樣

199
00:14:43,174 --> 00:14:47,095
是最尷尬的事了

200
00:14:57,272 --> 00:15:00,400
我年紀越大,就越能注意到

201
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:03,445
我的聽力有點問題

202
00:15:03,445 --> 00:15:05,405
我...不太正常

203
00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:10,910
我總會錯聽一個詞
或是完全誤解整句話的意思

204
00:15:11,453 --> 00:15:13,413
我給你們一個例子

205
00:15:14,664 --> 00:15:19,628
我去多倫多出差,辦理登機報到時

206
00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:24,507
地勤說報到手續完成了

207
00:15:25,050 --> 00:15:27,010
她說我可以

208
00:15:27,552 --> 00:15:29,721
去瘋夜貴賓室坐一下

209
00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:39,105
我就說:“是喔?

210
00:15:41,191 --> 00:15:42,609
“那在哪裡?”

211
00:15:44,194 --> 00:15:46,029
她說:“在四樓”

212
00:15:46,655 --> 00:15:48,657
我說:“是這樣子嗎?”

213
00:15:49,866 --> 00:15:51,618
她說沒錯

214
00:15:52,202 --> 00:15:57,290
我就說:“好吧
看來我要上去看看了”

215
00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:00,418
她全程一直在點頭

216
00:16:00,418 --> 00:16:04,798
好,我說:“那我過去了”

217
00:16:11,930 --> 00:16:14,099
事情是這樣的

218
00:16:14,516 --> 00:16:16,518
我幾乎每一天工作

219
00:16:17,727 --> 00:16:20,897
都要應對這樣的人

220
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:25,485
這種資訊溝通通常清楚明瞭

221
00:16:26,236 --> 00:16:28,071
我以為她的情況是

222
00:16:28,822 --> 00:16:31,241
我遇到一個怪人

223
00:16:32,534 --> 00:16:33,868
但我不會戳破

224
00:16:34,869 --> 00:16:37,122
但她從沒說她只是在開玩笑

225
00:16:38,248 --> 00:16:41,918
所以我就想說一定要去四樓
看看是怎麼回事

226
00:16:43,086 --> 00:16:47,799
我按了電梯向上的按鈕,門打開後

227
00:16:48,216 --> 00:16:50,885
一個碩大的告示寫著

228
00:16:50,885 --> 00:16:55,390
“歡迎來到楓葉貴賓室”

229
00:16:58,935 --> 00:17:00,437
就是加拿大那套

230
00:17:02,439 --> 00:17:05,692
我馬上就羞愧起來

231
00:17:06,818 --> 00:17:10,697
想到剛剛的談話

232
00:17:12,282 --> 00:17:16,911
那位女士明顯是說
我能去楓葉貴賓室坐一下

233
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:19,664
我還說:“是喔?

234
00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:23,626
“那在哪裡?”

235
00:17:25,962 --> 00:17:27,714
“在四樓”

236
00:17:28,631 --> 00:17:30,175
“是這樣子嗎?”

237
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:34,345
“沒錯”

238
00:17:34,345 --> 00:17:37,932
“好,看來我要上去看看了”

239
00:17:39,100 --> 00:17:40,143
“好的”

240
00:17:40,518 --> 00:17:41,352
“好喔”

241
00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:44,147
“我去囉”

242
00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:53,823
我看起來根本是瘋子

243
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:02,207
還有一個例子

244
00:18:02,207 --> 00:18:05,960
我之前提過
史黛芬妮跟我工作上常有交集

245
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:10,882
有天下午我們在跟瑞絲薇斯朋開會

246
00:18:11,174 --> 00:18:16,221
與會的還有她的製作搭檔
我們聊得正開心

247
00:18:16,221 --> 00:18:18,515
我們都在分享故事

248
00:18:18,515 --> 00:18:20,809
笑得很開心

249
00:18:20,809 --> 00:18:23,603
過程非常愉快

250
00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:28,441
然後瑞絲談到一部
她參與過的電視節目

251
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:31,694
名叫《美麗心計》

252
00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:37,992
她說自己是節目中最矮的演員

253
00:18:37,992 --> 00:18:39,369
“我157公分

254
00:18:40,411 --> 00:18:42,997
“蘿拉鄧恩177公分

255
00:18:43,998 --> 00:18:47,210
“妮可基嫚183公分

256
00:18:48,002 --> 00:18:50,880
“雪琳173公分”

257
00:18:51,548 --> 00:18:55,593
我就回她:“真有意思

258
00:18:55,969 --> 00:19:00,682
“因為很多年前
我交過一個183公分的女朋友

259
00:19:01,099 --> 00:19:04,185
“她好像因為身高而沒有安全感

260
00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:06,479
“所以她會駝背”

261
00:19:14,988 --> 00:19:15,905
所以...

262
00:19:24,581 --> 00:19:25,707
現在...

263
00:19:27,458 --> 00:19:29,711
現場的氣氛

264
00:19:31,129 --> 00:19:33,298
跟那天

265
00:19:35,258 --> 00:19:38,386
瑞絲薇斯朋辦公室裡的氣氛
意外地很像

266
00:19:39,721 --> 00:19:42,640
不久之後,會議結束

267
00:19:43,474 --> 00:19:44,392
我們離開

268
00:19:45,894 --> 00:19:46,978
把門關上

269
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:52,567
然後史黛芬妮轉向我說...

270
00:19:56,487 --> 00:19:58,072
“妳剛剛...

271
00:19:59,407 --> 00:20:01,659
“到底在講什麼東西?”

272
00:20:04,787 --> 00:20:09,584
我在那一刻才知道

273
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:14,881
有一個女演員叫雪琳

274
00:20:23,473 --> 00:20:24,807
我從沒聽過她

275
00:20:33,358 --> 00:20:36,611
表演講到這段時

276
00:20:36,611 --> 00:20:40,114
會有一群人覺得...

277
00:20:43,409 --> 00:20:44,869
這很好笑

278
00:20:47,372 --> 00:20:49,082
另一群人

279
00:20:50,375 --> 00:20:51,876
則搞不清楚狀況

280
00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:59,050
我看到有人交頭接耳

281
00:20:59,050 --> 00:21:00,927
開始解釋

282
00:21:01,719 --> 00:21:04,806
不用麻煩你們,我來解釋就好

283
00:21:11,813 --> 00:21:15,608
讓我告訴你們我聽到什麼

284
00:21:17,944 --> 00:21:22,073
我聽成瑞絲薇斯朋157公分

285
00:21:23,533 --> 00:21:26,035
蘿拉鄧恩177公分

286
00:21:27,078 --> 00:21:30,581
妮可基嫚183公分

287
00:21:31,374 --> 00:21:33,960
她傾身後173公分

288
00:21:41,134 --> 00:21:43,094
所以我才會說那個故事

289
00:21:49,559 --> 00:21:52,145
我坐在那邊看著瑞絲

290
00:21:53,146 --> 00:21:56,482
她的製作搭檔蘿倫和我太太

291
00:21:57,692 --> 00:21:59,610
盯著我看

292
00:22:00,903 --> 00:22:04,949
從她們的眼神中看得出來
她們很努力思考其中的關聯

293
00:22:06,743 --> 00:22:09,746
合理化我剛剛講的故事

294
00:22:13,833 --> 00:22:16,502
我自認滿會看氣氛的

295
00:22:17,754 --> 00:22:22,008
我就坐在那邊覺得她們是怎樣

296
00:22:24,343 --> 00:22:29,223
我當時就想:“抱歉喔,瑞絲

297
00:22:29,682 --> 00:22:34,854
“妳可以講無聊的身高故事

298
00:22:37,774 --> 00:22:42,361
“我一講我的故事
房間內的氣氛就冷掉了?”

299
00:22:48,159 --> 00:22:50,995
那一刻我真心認為

300
00:22:50,995 --> 00:22:54,916
我真的很會接話

301
00:22:55,958 --> 00:22:57,418
我講話很有意思

302
00:22:57,418 --> 00:23:01,255
妳朋友183公分,傾身後173公分

303
00:23:02,298 --> 00:23:05,218
我有故事可以告訴妳

304
00:23:11,933 --> 00:23:16,062
再講一次,瑞絲薇斯朋157公分

305
00:23:19,398 --> 00:23:22,443
蘿拉鄧恩177公分

306
00:23:23,444 --> 00:23:27,198
妮可基嫚183公分

307
00:23:27,615 --> 00:23:29,450
雪琳...

308
00:23:30,993 --> 00:23:32,161
173公分

309
00:23:33,079 --> 00:23:38,376
結果我竟然回她:“真有意思

310
00:23:39,544 --> 00:23:41,921
“我以前有一個會駝背的女朋友”

311
00:23:43,297 --> 00:23:44,590
再見

312
00:23:47,885 --> 00:23:49,470
這次會議我表現得真好

313
00:23:52,390 --> 00:23:54,225
瑞絲,我們保持聯絡

314
00:23:59,230 --> 00:24:01,983
我又不認識妮可基嫚本人

315
00:24:01,983 --> 00:24:05,945
我在電視和電影裡看過她

316
00:24:05,945 --> 00:24:11,033
但若她朋友告訴我
她身高183公分,傾身後173公分

317
00:24:11,576 --> 00:24:13,202
我不會反駁

318
00:24:15,371 --> 00:24:20,459
無論一個人年紀多大
學習新詞或新說法永遠不嫌晚

319
00:24:20,459 --> 00:24:25,798
我發誓我當下就是這麼認為的

320
00:24:26,716 --> 00:24:29,802
我就想:“183公分,傾身後173...”

321
00:24:30,219 --> 00:24:31,637
原來是那樣說的

322
00:24:34,932 --> 00:24:37,018
我以後也要這樣講

323
00:24:39,729 --> 00:24:40,813
我真的...

324
00:24:41,522 --> 00:24:43,649
不知道,我...

325
00:24:44,025 --> 00:24:46,402
我不認識妮可本人,我跟她沒關係

326
00:24:47,737 --> 00:24:52,617
我跟妮可基嫚唯一的小小交集

327
00:24:53,409 --> 00:24:57,663
就是我知道有些人

328
00:24:58,539 --> 00:25:04,170
認為我長得像她前夫

329
00:25:09,926 --> 00:25:10,843
但是...

330
00:25:16,182 --> 00:25:21,312
不得不說,每次我這樣講
她都會傾身,讓我感覺很酷

331
00:25:25,566 --> 00:25:29,070
我的背有很多問題
如果你們幾年前見到我

332
00:25:29,070 --> 00:25:32,240
我表演“傾身”時,就沒那麼靈活

333
00:25:32,823 --> 00:25:35,826
但我朋友強烈推薦

334
00:25:35,826 --> 00:25:41,332
我去洛杉磯找人整骨
我去了,她左推右弄

335
00:25:41,332 --> 00:25:44,001
幫我把體態調回來

336
00:25:44,543 --> 00:25:48,256
她說她覺得這可能要花妳幾個月

337
00:25:48,714 --> 00:25:51,926
但妳的背部也許適合去開刀

338
00:25:52,593 --> 00:25:55,596
我躺在那邊,她就問我

339
00:25:55,972 --> 00:25:59,934
我的背是怎麼了,我說我出過車禍

340
00:25:59,934 --> 00:26:01,143
滑雪事故

341
00:26:01,143 --> 00:26:02,645
滑雪板事故

342
00:26:02,645 --> 00:26:06,941
我說我們有兩個發育超好的小室友

343
00:26:07,441 --> 00:26:11,112
每次我抱起他們,背都會扭到

344
00:26:11,696 --> 00:26:15,783
她說:“好的
如果妳有去看外科醫生

345
00:26:15,783 --> 00:26:19,036
“記得跟他提妳出過的事故

346
00:26:19,036 --> 00:26:22,415
“還有妳已為人母之類的”

347
00:26:24,792 --> 00:26:29,714
然後她一直在講
有哪些重要資訊要告訴外科醫生

348
00:26:29,714 --> 00:26:33,926
但我躺在那邊心想,一個母親或...

349
00:26:35,970 --> 00:26:39,849
晃來晃去啥的...那是什麼意思?

350
00:26:40,725 --> 00:26:43,019
所以我沒仔細聽她說的

351
00:26:44,478 --> 00:26:47,940
我的大腦開始胡思亂想

352
00:26:47,940 --> 00:26:50,818
我就想她會不會以為我是男的?

353
00:26:51,944 --> 00:26:55,698
然後我想到也許是她認為
我有不同的性別認同

354
00:26:56,365 --> 00:27:00,494
這部分可以跟你們說,我自認是...

355
00:27:00,828 --> 00:27:03,164
平凡無奇的女同性戀

356
00:27:03,789 --> 00:27:07,376
不需要大家起立鼓掌,我...

357
00:27:09,253 --> 00:27:12,757
大家都有認同,那只是我的認同

358
00:27:13,591 --> 00:27:17,011
但我當時就想

359
00:27:18,012 --> 00:27:20,973
你可以請人來公司

360
00:27:21,766 --> 00:27:24,560
分享職場性騷擾議題

361
00:27:25,686 --> 00:27:29,648
我當時想得很遠,我就想

362
00:27:29,648 --> 00:27:34,320
也許可以找個公司來分享

363
00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:36,906
然後我叫自己別想了
因為我突然想到

364
00:27:36,906 --> 00:27:41,410
這世界上不會有公司跟你說

365
00:27:42,703 --> 00:27:47,583
“如果你發現自己遇到某個人

366
00:27:48,250 --> 00:27:51,629
“你無法辨識對方的自我認同
就如實說出你的想法

367
00:27:52,922 --> 00:27:55,257
“然後晃晃你的手...

368
00:27:56,926 --> 00:27:59,095
“手要放在離鼻子三公分處

369
00:28:00,471 --> 00:28:02,765
“接著說‘之類的’

370
00:28:03,933 --> 00:28:06,102
“那才叫包容”

371
00:28:07,603 --> 00:28:10,773
我就想說:“蒂戈,不可能”

372
00:28:11,315 --> 00:28:15,111
但我看得出來她沒有惡意

373
00:28:16,320 --> 00:28:19,031
我認為現在這樣很重要

374
00:28:19,031 --> 00:28:22,118
大概一直都很重要
但現在是尤其重要

375
00:28:22,660 --> 00:28:28,290
我感覺我看得出她沒有惡意

376
00:28:28,290 --> 00:28:31,377
純粹是因為這動作

377
00:28:33,170 --> 00:28:38,509
那天我開車回家時
腦中一直在思索這問題

378
00:28:38,968 --> 00:28:44,974
有一刻我就想,她確實晃了她的手

379
00:28:50,020 --> 00:28:54,358
是這樣的,一個人...

380
00:28:56,402 --> 00:29:01,532
我認為當時的情況是她看著我的臉

381
00:29:02,116 --> 00:29:04,702
然後她的大腦跟不上她的嘴巴

382
00:29:06,036 --> 00:29:09,790
她就說:“告訴他們妳遇到的事故

383
00:29:09,790 --> 00:29:11,292
“妳是一個母親...”

384
00:29:14,170 --> 00:29:17,006
這表情可能有很多含意

385
00:29:17,923 --> 00:29:19,633
晃啊晃

386
00:29:21,719 --> 00:29:26,015
這不是...這叫慌了

387
00:29:26,015 --> 00:29:29,852
這不像要傷害某人感情的動作

388
00:29:29,852 --> 00:29:34,732
這是想讓時光倒流的動作

389
00:29:35,900 --> 00:29:40,946
我不知道要怎麼講
但我手就晃啊晃的

390
00:29:46,285 --> 00:29:49,705
我後來真的去接受背部手術

391
00:29:49,705 --> 00:29:52,416
想不到吧,我還有併發症

392
00:29:52,917 --> 00:29:54,585
聽我娓娓道來

393
00:29:55,377 --> 00:29:58,672
他們切開我的肚子,把我的內臟移開

394
00:29:58,672 --> 00:30:02,426
在我的脊椎上插入螺栓
把內臟都移回原位

395
00:30:02,426 --> 00:30:06,388
然後再把開口縫起來...抱歉

396
00:30:06,388 --> 00:30:09,683
我知道這段很多醫療用語

397
00:30:11,018 --> 00:30:12,311
但過程就是如此

398
00:30:13,103 --> 00:30:16,190
接著我的血壓驟降

399
00:30:16,190 --> 00:30:19,777
我的器官無法正常運作
我當時很需要止痛藥

400
00:30:19,777 --> 00:30:21,987
他們卻無法開給我

401
00:30:22,613 --> 00:30:25,157
因為我的血壓太低了

402
00:30:25,157 --> 00:30:29,161
所以當時痛得要命的我慌了起來

403
00:30:29,161 --> 00:30:32,164
接著他們給我安定文控制焦慮

404
00:30:32,540 --> 00:30:36,085
那個時候我們才發現

405
00:30:36,085 --> 00:30:39,171
我對安定文過敏

406
00:30:39,171 --> 00:30:43,384
我開始有嚴重幻覺

407
00:30:43,926 --> 00:30:47,555
史黛芬妮說
她當時之所以發現我不太對勁

408
00:30:47,930 --> 00:30:52,685
是我躺在那邊說:“小子

409
00:30:57,273 --> 00:30:58,732
“老闆娘來了”

410
00:31:01,610 --> 00:31:07,575
她說:“首先,妳絕對不會講老闆娘

411
00:31:09,326 --> 00:31:11,996
“第二,妳並沒有老闆娘

412
00:31:13,289 --> 00:31:15,040
“第三...

413
00:31:16,917 --> 00:31:19,003
“那裡沒人”

414
00:31:21,422 --> 00:31:27,428
我猜我是轉頭把床邊桌上
我家的貓趕走

415
00:31:28,095 --> 00:31:29,805
我說:“毛毛,下去

416
00:31:30,556 --> 00:31:31,974
“別碰那瓶伏特加”

417
00:31:33,851 --> 00:31:36,020
那裡沒有伏特加

418
00:31:36,020 --> 00:31:40,774
而且毛毛那天沒有來醫院看我

419
00:31:41,817 --> 00:31:44,445
牠是前一天來的

420
00:31:45,404 --> 00:31:47,489
在這一刻前

421
00:31:47,489 --> 00:31:51,410
醫生和護理師通常會直接來找我

422
00:31:51,410 --> 00:31:56,165
他們會檢查我的生命徵象

423
00:31:56,165 --> 00:31:59,126
現在他們都站在史黛芬妮身旁

424
00:31:59,126 --> 00:32:01,670
我就想:“天啊,這是怎麼回事?”

425
00:32:01,670 --> 00:32:03,255
我的腦中不斷胡思亂想

426
00:32:03,255 --> 00:32:05,883
他們到底在講什麼?

427
00:32:06,342 --> 00:32:08,427
然後我聽到史黛芬妮說

428
00:32:09,595 --> 00:32:13,515
“她講的每句話
都包含她看到的幻覺”

429
00:32:14,892 --> 00:32:16,393
我就插嘴

430
00:32:17,770 --> 00:32:21,148
說:“是每兩句話”

431
00:32:24,193 --> 00:32:27,154
我想要保住面子,因為我真的...

432
00:32:27,738 --> 00:32:29,740
搞不清楚是什麼狀況

433
00:32:31,492 --> 00:32:33,786
我真的完全不知道

434
00:32:33,786 --> 00:32:37,456
我以前也沒用過會有幻覺的毒品

435
00:32:37,915 --> 00:32:41,251
光憑剛剛那句話
你們應該就看得出來

436
00:32:45,047 --> 00:32:48,676
離那種狀態最接近的一次

437
00:32:49,176 --> 00:32:52,471
是我很累或剛被叫醒

438
00:32:52,471 --> 00:32:55,683
我會說一些講不通的話

439
00:32:56,308 --> 00:32:58,894
我記得我七年級時

440
00:32:59,395 --> 00:33:01,480
我朋友在我家過夜

441
00:33:01,480 --> 00:33:04,274
我們在黑暗中聊天

442
00:33:04,650 --> 00:33:08,612
她在跟我分享一些童年創傷

443
00:33:08,612 --> 00:33:13,409
我聽到自己大喊才突然醒來

444
00:33:14,034 --> 00:33:15,869
我大喊:“冰箱裡有炸熱狗”

445
00:33:19,623 --> 00:33:20,958
她說:“什麼?”

446
00:33:22,793 --> 00:33:25,003
然後我想打圓場

447
00:33:26,755 --> 00:33:31,844
我就說:“我只是想告訴妳

448
00:33:33,721 --> 00:33:36,390
“如果妳晚上會餓

449
00:33:38,142 --> 00:33:40,018
“我們冰箱裡有炸熱狗

450
00:33:42,855 --> 00:33:45,023
“總而言之,妳繼續講,我在聽”

451
00:33:47,609 --> 00:33:48,527
布魯克林的大家

452
00:33:48,527 --> 00:33:52,489
我們家平常不會在冰箱裡放炸熱狗

453
00:33:53,532 --> 00:33:54,950
所以那次很驚險

454
00:33:56,785 --> 00:34:01,039
但不必多說,我在那過程中

455
00:34:01,039 --> 00:34:04,042
完全搞不清楚外界狀況

456
00:34:04,626 --> 00:34:08,881
史黛芬妮講到一半
看向我這邊,我拿著手機

457
00:34:09,381 --> 00:34:11,884
她說:“妳在幹嘛?”

458
00:34:13,051 --> 00:34:15,554
我說:“我在傳簡訊給派崔克”

459
00:34:16,972 --> 00:34:18,932
她說:“手機給我看”

460
00:34:19,308 --> 00:34:20,601
我說:“為什麼?”

461
00:34:20,601 --> 00:34:23,562
她說:“手機交給我”

462
00:34:24,938 --> 00:34:30,694
要不是她當初有截圖
我絕對不會相信

463
00:34:32,070 --> 00:34:35,240
我要傳什麼給派崔克

464
00:34:37,409 --> 00:34:42,206
他只是問我:“嘿,妳好嗎?”

465
00:34:43,540 --> 00:34:48,170
我卻回他:“嘿,派崔克

466
00:34:48,796 --> 00:34:52,800
“我的情況從糟糕變成毛巾了”

467
00:34:57,846 --> 00:35:00,599
然後還用括號寫著

468
00:35:02,309 --> 00:35:06,855
“我看到拖拉機”

469
00:35:13,946 --> 00:35:16,323
“還有CHB”

470
00:35:19,284 --> 00:35:24,456
每次我講這故事,旁人一定會問

471
00:35:25,415 --> 00:35:29,002
“CHB是什麼意思?”

472
00:35:29,711 --> 00:35:32,923
我都會回...

473
00:35:34,341 --> 00:35:37,386
什麼是從糟糕變成毛巾?

474
00:35:39,012 --> 00:35:43,684
為什麼其他人都沒有
對簡訊其他部分感到疑惑?

475
00:35:45,394 --> 00:35:49,398
大家都在問CHB是什麼?

476
00:35:51,608 --> 00:35:54,152
什麼?我不知道

477
00:35:54,528 --> 00:35:57,656
我當時神智不清
隨便你們覺得那是什麼

478
00:35:59,366 --> 00:36:03,203
但我很喜歡自己有餘裕

479
00:36:04,663 --> 00:36:06,373
加上括號

480
00:36:08,125 --> 00:36:10,711
在裡面寫“我看到拖拉機”

481
00:36:12,379 --> 00:36:17,175
因為我猜我是簡訊打到一半

482
00:36:18,719 --> 00:36:20,387
才環視一下四周

483
00:36:23,432 --> 00:36:25,267
然後我...

484
00:36:30,856 --> 00:36:36,236
好,這跟簡訊的其他部分
一點關係都沒有

485
00:36:37,446 --> 00:36:43,243
但我看到一輛拖拉機

486
00:36:47,164 --> 00:36:48,790
還有CHB

487
00:36:52,628 --> 00:36:55,422
我出院幾天後

488
00:36:56,965 --> 00:36:59,760
我依稀記得

489
00:37:00,928 --> 00:37:04,765
給派崔克的簡訊寫到一半時

490
00:37:05,807 --> 00:37:09,603
我還去網路查拖拉機怎麼寫

491
00:37:13,941 --> 00:37:15,567
我知道怎麼寫拖拉機

492
00:37:17,027 --> 00:37:20,197
但我猜在當時的神智狀況中

493
00:37:20,197 --> 00:37:25,285
我不想寄出有錯字的簡訊

494
00:37:26,828 --> 00:37:28,622
派崔克會怎麼看我?

495
00:37:36,254 --> 00:37:40,133
我後來去做物理治療,我...

496
00:37:40,842 --> 00:37:45,138
想確保我的物理治療師不在現場

497
00:37:46,640 --> 00:37:50,686
她完全沒有幽默感

498
00:37:52,437 --> 00:37:54,731
完全沒有

499
00:37:55,357 --> 00:37:57,734
史黛芬妮都稱那樣的人

500
00:37:58,360 --> 00:38:00,737
是會互相交談的人

501
00:38:02,572 --> 00:38:08,161
我們在家裡常那麼做
我們會互道早安

502
00:38:10,497 --> 00:38:11,623
“早安”

503
00:38:13,458 --> 00:38:15,252
“我做了早餐”

504
00:38:16,003 --> 00:38:18,338
“看起來很可口,謝謝”

505
00:38:19,423 --> 00:38:21,216
“我該去上班了”

506
00:38:21,591 --> 00:38:22,843
“祝妳今天順利”

507
00:38:23,844 --> 00:38:25,679
“我愛妳”,“我也愛妳”

508
00:38:26,763 --> 00:38:29,516
這就是會互相交談的人

509
00:38:30,308 --> 00:38:32,352
然後...

510
00:38:34,479 --> 00:38:37,024
這真的值得來點掌聲

511
00:38:39,151 --> 00:38:41,236
是這樣的

512
00:38:41,236 --> 00:38:45,323
做物理治療時
可能會做出奇怪的動作

513
00:38:45,323 --> 00:38:48,118
能跟別人交流真的很棒

514
00:38:48,535 --> 00:38:49,703
跟她則不一樣

515
00:38:50,871 --> 00:38:51,747
好的

516
00:38:51,747 --> 00:38:53,832
她要我做一個練習

517
00:38:54,624 --> 00:38:59,046
要用一條很粗的彈力帶套住我的大腿

518
00:38:59,546 --> 00:39:05,093
她說,套上彈力帶時要站進去

519
00:39:05,093 --> 00:39:06,845
感覺就像在穿褲子

520
00:39:07,846 --> 00:39:09,139
但其實不是

521
00:39:10,057 --> 00:39:12,601
只是站進彈力帶裡面

522
00:39:13,310 --> 00:39:17,939
中途我就想開玩笑...卻只能作罷

523
00:39:21,234 --> 00:39:24,362
因為她只在乎強化我的背部

524
00:39:24,362 --> 00:39:27,574
那當然也是我去做治療的原因

525
00:39:27,574 --> 00:39:30,994
我跟妳是同一陣線的
只是這樣感覺很呆...

526
00:39:31,536 --> 00:39:35,916
算了,所以我用彈力帶套住大腿

527
00:39:36,291 --> 00:39:40,754
她說她的辦公室
空間不夠,不能做這項練習

528
00:39:40,754 --> 00:39:42,923
她請我去走廊上做

529
00:39:46,593 --> 00:39:51,765
我重申,這一切對她來說都不好笑
所以...我就在她身後搖來搖去

530
00:39:52,933 --> 00:39:55,477
我說:“我感覺好...”

531
00:39:58,021 --> 00:40:00,357
“妳什麼事都要開玩笑嗎?”

532
00:40:02,234 --> 00:40:03,443
“算是吧

533
00:40:04,444 --> 00:40:06,363
“我有貸款要繳”

534
00:40:10,534 --> 00:40:13,745
我們到走廊上,這棟大樓很大

535
00:40:13,745 --> 00:40:16,289
位於洛杉磯,而且很高

536
00:40:16,289 --> 00:40:19,876
長度也許有這舞台的十倍

537
00:40:19,876 --> 00:40:22,963
她說:“我要妳用彈力帶套住大腿

538
00:40:22,963 --> 00:40:24,256
“身體變成這個姿勢

539
00:40:25,590 --> 00:40:27,425
“然後這樣做...

540
00:40:28,718 --> 00:40:30,178
“沿著走廊一直走

541
00:40:31,096 --> 00:40:34,474
“然後再走回來,來回走”

542
00:40:34,474 --> 00:40:37,227
她覺得這一點也不好笑

543
00:40:37,853 --> 00:40:40,522
因為她只是一個會交談的人

544
00:40:42,315 --> 00:40:45,694
我感覺超孤單的

545
00:40:48,655 --> 00:40:50,574
我就來回走

546
00:40:51,116 --> 00:40:53,743
有一個重要資訊

547
00:40:55,078 --> 00:40:57,122
要告訴你們

548
00:40:58,248 --> 00:41:01,334
這裡的隔間都是玻璃做的

549
00:41:06,756 --> 00:41:09,676
那層樓有診所、律師事務所...

550
00:41:12,846 --> 00:41:21,062
我在走廊上滑步走

551
00:41:21,646 --> 00:41:24,608
滑步走...

552
00:41:25,108 --> 00:41:29,905
我知道我不是什麼大名人

553
00:41:30,488 --> 00:41:33,658
但有人認得我

554
00:41:35,243 --> 00:41:37,287
我就這樣...

555
00:41:41,583 --> 00:41:42,500
老天幫幫我

556
00:41:43,251 --> 00:41:47,005
我在走廊上滑步走

557
00:41:49,132 --> 00:41:53,553
我在走廊上滑步走時,體悟到另一件

558
00:41:53,553 --> 00:41:59,392
更糟糕的事,我心想“這下慘了

559
00:42:01,645 --> 00:42:06,066
“在等醫生和律師的這些人

560
00:42:07,067 --> 00:42:08,735
“每個人

561
00:42:09,402 --> 00:42:10,862
“都不知道...

562
00:42:11,696 --> 00:42:16,201
“這層樓有物理治療所”

563
00:42:21,623 --> 00:42:25,252
我在走廊上滑步走

564
00:42:25,877 --> 00:42:29,464
我在走廊上滑步走

565
00:42:29,464 --> 00:42:31,591
他們都在想蒂戈在幹嘛?

566
00:42:33,551 --> 00:42:35,971
我今天放假,來看看你們

567
00:42:37,305 --> 00:42:39,891
你明早有一場重大官司

568
00:42:42,060 --> 00:42:45,855
我在走廊上滑步走

569
00:42:46,523 --> 00:42:49,025
天啊,這首歌會紅吧?

570
00:42:56,533 --> 00:42:58,827
說到熱門歌曲

571
00:42:59,286 --> 00:43:00,996
這件事可能很少人知道

572
00:43:00,996 --> 00:43:05,458
但我很愛邊彈鋼琴邊唱歌

573
00:43:05,458 --> 00:43:09,254
我就想說今晚可以露一手

574
00:43:11,256 --> 00:43:13,466
如果你們想看的話

575
00:43:17,304 --> 00:43:18,722
你們看

576
00:43:19,389 --> 00:43:20,974
時間剛好

577
00:43:29,149 --> 00:43:31,109
所以...

578
00:43:31,109 --> 00:43:35,238
我喜歡邊彈鋼琴邊唱歌

579
00:43:36,323 --> 00:43:39,617
兩樣我都不會

580
00:43:50,545 --> 00:43:52,881
真的...我告訴別人

581
00:43:52,881 --> 00:43:57,052
我不會彈鋼琴,歌喉也很差

582
00:43:59,012 --> 00:44:01,890
他們就認為我什麼都不會彈

583
00:44:03,391 --> 00:44:04,351
正好相反

584
00:44:05,643 --> 00:44:07,228
我想彈什麼都可以

585
00:44:17,405 --> 00:44:18,365
謝謝

586
00:44:21,451 --> 00:44:25,580
我大概是少數的鋼琴家...

587
00:44:28,541 --> 00:44:29,834
就是這個稱呼

588
00:44:33,004 --> 00:44:35,965
如果你們幼稚到聽到這個詞就起鬨

589
00:44:37,884 --> 00:44:39,344
那你們來對地方了

590
00:44:41,679 --> 00:44:44,349
但我是少數幾個鋼琴家

591
00:44:44,349 --> 00:44:47,394
會翹著二郎腿彈琴

592
00:45:00,323 --> 00:45:05,453
有時我會模仿爵士鋼琴家

593
00:45:05,912 --> 00:45:08,123
因為我覺得那樣能幫助我

594
00:45:08,748 --> 00:45:11,876
彈起來好聽一點

595
00:45:25,265 --> 00:45:28,309
爵士樂就是一種混亂,就是這樣...

596
00:45:36,734 --> 00:45:39,112
聽起來好像有那麼回事

597
00:45:42,240 --> 00:45:44,534
如果你是鋼琴家,而且也覺得

598
00:45:44,534 --> 00:45:46,703
這聽起來有一回事,就替我鼓掌

599
00:45:51,124 --> 00:45:52,167
謝謝

600
00:45:54,335 --> 00:45:56,129
現場真多鋼琴家

601
00:45:58,923 --> 00:46:00,008
如果是覺得

602
00:46:00,008 --> 00:46:03,386
這聽起來像在亂彈的鋼琴家呢?

603
00:46:04,095 --> 00:46:05,054
滾出去

604
00:46:07,640 --> 00:46:08,850
滾出去

605
00:46:11,019 --> 00:46:12,437
你們無法奪走我的快樂

606
00:46:18,943 --> 00:46:21,946
拜託,也許我會發行專輯

607
00:46:26,993 --> 00:46:29,913
就叫《聽起來有一回事》

608
00:46:39,964 --> 00:46:42,091
這是舉世共同的歌曲收尾

609
00:46:54,354 --> 00:46:57,232
我好像不小心變得會彈琴了

610
00:47:02,487 --> 00:47:04,155
我之前在洛杉磯

611
00:47:04,155 --> 00:47:10,203
當時在派對上

612
00:47:10,203 --> 00:47:13,331
都是你們想得到的

613
00:47:13,873 --> 00:47:15,833
響噹噹的大名人

614
00:47:15,833 --> 00:47:18,711
我當然沒把自己算進去

615
00:47:19,337 --> 00:47:23,424
但在這個龐大會場的舞台上

616
00:47:24,592 --> 00:47:26,469
有一架大鋼琴

617
00:47:26,469 --> 00:47:29,597
一套爵士鼓、數把吉他和麥克風

618
00:47:30,014 --> 00:47:33,810
整晚有很多歌手

619
00:47:33,810 --> 00:47:36,020
和音樂人會輪流上台

620
00:47:36,437 --> 00:47:39,232
表演幾首歌後就下台

621
00:47:39,232 --> 00:47:41,859
接著換其他人上台,上台的人包括

622
00:47:41,859 --> 00:47:46,072
火星人布魯諾、亞莉安娜

623
00:47:46,072 --> 00:47:47,824
瑪莉莎伊瑟麗姬

624
00:47:49,951 --> 00:47:53,788
安東尼基德斯,很多才華洋溢的藝人

625
00:47:54,372 --> 00:47:56,666
愛黛兒也有去

626
00:47:57,542 --> 00:48:02,422
無論派對上其他人多有名

627
00:48:02,964 --> 00:48:06,342
大家都只在乎愛黛兒

628
00:48:07,802 --> 00:48:10,680
整晚都會聽到,“愛黛兒在那裡”

629
00:48:10,680 --> 00:48:13,641
“她來了”
“下一個要唱的好像是愛黛兒”

630
00:48:13,641 --> 00:48:16,519
“她要上台了”,“她在舞台旁了”

631
00:48:16,519 --> 00:48:17,895
“她好像要上台了”

632
00:48:18,354 --> 00:48:20,857
大家滿嘴都是愛黛兒...

633
00:48:22,191 --> 00:48:23,985
然後她一首歌也沒唱

634
00:48:27,947 --> 00:48:31,451
我轉頭告訴史黛芬妮說:“我來唱”

635
00:48:36,998 --> 00:48:39,751
當時粉紅佳人剛唱完最後一首歌

636
00:48:41,711 --> 00:48:44,589
我走到舞台前說

637
00:48:44,589 --> 00:48:48,134
“我接下來想唱一首歌”

638
00:48:49,510 --> 00:48:52,388
她還很興奮

639
00:48:52,388 --> 00:48:54,098
她知道我是做喜劇的

640
00:48:54,766 --> 00:48:56,392
但她不知道我還是歌手

641
00:49:00,438 --> 00:49:02,398
她就說:“妳要唱什麼歌?”

642
00:49:02,398 --> 00:49:05,401
我說:“我要唱...

643
00:49:06,778 --> 00:49:08,404
“愛黛兒的《哈囉》”

644
00:49:16,037 --> 00:49:18,039
她好興奮

645
00:49:18,665 --> 00:49:23,211
激動到臉都快爆炸了

646
00:49:29,217 --> 00:49:30,134
愛黛兒的歌

647
00:49:30,802 --> 00:49:32,762
不是隨便就能唱的

648
00:49:33,471 --> 00:49:37,350
因為她不只會唱歌,根本是天籟

649
00:49:41,020 --> 00:49:42,647
然後我說:“可是

650
00:49:43,272 --> 00:49:46,150
“歌詞我不太記得

651
00:49:48,778 --> 00:49:51,322
“不知道妳能不能幫個忙

652
00:49:51,739 --> 00:49:56,035
“去舞台旁請DJ

653
00:49:56,411 --> 00:49:58,996
“放愛黛兒的《哈囉》

654
00:49:58,996 --> 00:50:02,959
“然後我會盡力跟著歌邊彈邊唱”

655
00:50:05,503 --> 00:50:06,963
她的臉垮了下來

656
00:50:08,506 --> 00:50:11,342
因為她意識到我是什麼意思

657
00:50:12,969 --> 00:50:13,928
但她還是照做了

658
00:50:14,721 --> 00:50:20,143
粉紅佳人走過去
請DJ放愛黛兒的《哈囉》

659
00:50:20,852 --> 00:50:23,479
那就是我在想的

660
00:50:23,479 --> 00:50:27,066
也許今晚能彈給你們聽

661
00:50:33,698 --> 00:50:36,200
我只是需要暖身一下

662
00:50:50,339 --> 00:50:51,716
其實

663
00:50:54,761 --> 00:50:59,557
我覺得現在很適合道歉

664
00:51:01,434 --> 00:51:05,229
假設今晚有朋友帶你來

665
00:51:09,859 --> 00:51:10,777
對不起

666
00:51:15,531 --> 00:51:18,451
或者你只有在電視節目上看過我

667
00:51:18,451 --> 00:51:23,039
就是《密西西比》
或是我的播客節目...

668
00:51:25,374 --> 00:51:28,044
你心想,她還會講單口喜劇
不知道講得如何?

669
00:51:29,420 --> 00:51:30,546
就像這樣

670
00:51:42,225 --> 00:51:43,142
對不起

671
00:51:45,561 --> 00:51:48,356
不得不說,我在台上有時...

672
00:51:52,026 --> 00:51:56,113
我會深刻體悟到

673
00:51:56,113 --> 00:52:01,536
我已經身為人母“之類的”...

674
00:52:06,082 --> 00:52:08,459
你們明白嗎?我必須看著小孩

675
00:52:08,459 --> 00:52:12,129
當他們的面說我要去工作了

676
00:52:20,012 --> 00:52:22,807
這很重要,我快遲到了,我要走了

677
00:52:31,524 --> 00:52:32,567
我...

678
00:52:33,943 --> 00:52:36,863
我都用愛黛兒的《哈囉》替段子收尾

679
00:52:39,031 --> 00:52:42,660
我之前在檀香山...

680
00:52:43,703 --> 00:52:46,998
我的合約有規定
台上一定要放一架鋼琴

681
00:52:48,124 --> 00:52:52,336
我當時在後台,然後有個公關

682
00:52:52,336 --> 00:52:55,131
他過來跟我說:“蒂戈,對不起

683
00:52:55,548 --> 00:52:56,924
“我不知道是怎麼回事

684
00:52:57,717 --> 00:53:00,636
“但妳應該要有一架鋼琴?”

685
00:53:01,429 --> 00:53:02,388
我說:“沒錯

686
00:53:04,015 --> 00:53:05,099
“我會需要”

687
00:53:11,105 --> 00:53:12,815
然後他說

688
00:53:16,360 --> 00:53:18,779
“我剛看過妳的合約
上面寫妳需要一架

689
00:53:18,779 --> 00:53:21,240
“對不起,我不知道是怎麼回事

690
00:53:21,240 --> 00:53:23,284
“鋼琴我們有

691
00:53:23,826 --> 00:53:27,413
“只是...沒有調過音”

692
00:53:32,752 --> 00:53:34,253
我說:“沒關係”

693
00:53:36,797 --> 00:53:38,883
他說:“真的嗎?”
我說:“一點問題都沒有

694
00:53:38,883 --> 00:53:41,177
“反正對表演不會有任何影響”

695
00:53:42,470 --> 00:53:43,930
表演還是一樣

696
00:53:44,680 --> 00:53:47,516
事實上,就算少了一半的琴鍵

697
00:53:49,268 --> 00:53:50,770
表演也一樣

698
00:53:54,023 --> 00:53:55,066
所以...

699
00:53:57,318 --> 00:53:59,820
其實如果有人想到

700
00:54:00,404 --> 00:54:03,449
想點什麼歌

701
00:54:10,122 --> 00:54:11,958
我很喜歡看到大家慌張的樣子

702
00:54:11,958 --> 00:54:16,754
“我們是來聽熱門金曲的,蒂戈”

703
00:54:21,342 --> 00:54:22,259
有人嗎?

704
00:54:28,516 --> 00:54:29,809
自己聽聽看

705
00:54:31,102 --> 00:54:33,104
你們自己聽聽看

706
00:54:36,565 --> 00:54:38,067
《全心全意》

707
00:54:38,067 --> 00:54:39,068
什麼?

708
00:54:39,068 --> 00:54:42,238
–《全心全意》
–修路易斯的《全心全意》?

709
00:54:44,532 --> 00:54:45,449
不是嗎?

710
00:54:47,368 --> 00:54:48,202
抱歉

711
00:54:48,202 --> 00:54:50,329
是誰...《全心全意》是誰唱的?

712
00:54:51,539 --> 00:54:54,458
這有差嗎?我又不會彈鋼琴

713
00:54:56,377 --> 00:54:59,505
不敢相信我會對細節這麼糾結

714
00:55:01,465 --> 00:55:03,509
好,我會彈《全心全意》

715
00:55:04,927 --> 00:55:05,845
我...

716
00:55:12,935 --> 00:55:15,271
這樣吧,我拒絕受到這樣的對待

717
00:55:16,480 --> 00:55:18,858
就是這樣...

718
00:55:21,110 --> 00:55:23,904
感覺超像紐約會發生的事,我覺得...

719
00:55:25,614 --> 00:55:28,409
像是排舞或什麼的...

720
00:55:28,409 --> 00:55:32,163
老師在旁邊數:“二、三、抬腳...

721
00:55:34,290 --> 00:55:39,462
別忘記我不會...

722
00:55:40,921 --> 00:55:42,590
再來一次,《全心全意》

723
00:55:43,299 --> 00:55:44,633
開始了

724
00:56:01,525 --> 00:56:03,903
剛剛是修路易斯唱的版本

725
00:56:08,741 --> 00:56:13,162
在我開唱前

726
00:56:13,746 --> 00:56:14,997
盛大結尾

727
00:56:16,540 --> 00:56:18,918
不可思議的愛黛兒...

728
00:56:21,378 --> 00:56:24,298
多麼才華洋溢,我...這很重要

729
00:56:25,132 --> 00:56:26,425
你們不能忘記

730
00:56:27,927 --> 00:56:29,804
我不會彈鋼琴

731
00:56:33,432 --> 00:56:35,142
我歌喉也很差

732
00:56:37,645 --> 00:56:40,564
我知道有些人心裡會想
“我預料到了

733
00:56:40,564 --> 00:56:42,566
“我料到再來會怎樣了

734
00:56:42,566 --> 00:56:47,822
“她一定很會彈鋼琴
還是一個實力派唱匠”

735
00:56:50,241 --> 00:56:51,617
沒那回事

736
00:56:56,455 --> 00:56:58,165
最重要的是

737
00:56:59,625 --> 00:57:04,255
你們一刻也不能忘記...

738
00:57:06,423 --> 00:57:08,008
愛黛兒當時...

739
00:57:09,093 --> 00:57:10,594
也在派對現場

740
00:57:28,070 --> 00:57:28,988
下歌

741
00:57:53,262 --> 00:57:55,598
謝謝你們,布魯克林

742
00:57:59,435 --> 00:58:01,437
記得愛黛兒當時也在現場

743
00:58:03,856 --> 00:58:05,774
歐普拉也在

744
00:58:14,325 --> 00:58:17,912
布魯克林的大家,謝謝你們

745
00:58:20,331 --> 00:58:22,791
謝謝你們特地來看表演

746
00:58:24,668 --> 00:58:25,586
謝謝

747
00:58:26,670 --> 00:58:28,422
你們真的很棒

748
00:58:28,422 --> 00:58:29,840
謝謝你們

749
00:58:58,452 --> 00:59:01,080
派崔克:嘿,妳好嗎?

750
00:59:01,080 --> 00:59:05,668
我:謝了,派崔克,我的情況
從糟糕變成毛巾了(我看到拖拉機)

751
00:59:28,732 --> 00:59:30,484
謹此紀念牛仔瑞克

752
00:59:30,484 --> 00:59:31,568
字幕翻譯:陳廷倫

753
00:59:31,568 --> 00:59:32,653
創意監督:紀彥宇