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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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- [rock music playing]
- [audience cheering]
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[rock music playing]
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[cheering and applause]
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Hello.
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[cheering and applause continues]
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Thank you, people of Brooklyn.
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[cheering and applause continues]
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Wow.
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[cheering and applause continues]
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Come on. You know that's not my style.
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[audience laughs]
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Oh, my gosh, this is so exciting.
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Um...
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Also, my wife, Stephanie,
is directing tonight.
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[cheering and applause]
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All right.
Tonight's my night, though. Okay?
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[audience laughs]
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Actually, she is, by far,
out of the two of us,
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the most popular in our family.
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And possibly elsewhere.
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But, um...
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Yes, she's wonderful.
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But we work together oftentimes,
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and we'll leave and come home
at the same time.
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And one day
I came home by myself,
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and when I walked in,
the alarm said,
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"Side door open."
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[audience laughs]
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And our son started yelling,
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"Mommy's home, Mommy's home!"
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That's what they call Stephanie.
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[audience laughs]
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And then I came around the corner
and our son Finn looked back at me...
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and then looked at his brother
and said, "It's just her."
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[audience laughs]
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As if to say, "Don't even bother
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even slightly turning your head."
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[audience laughs]
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The letdown is so monumental.
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[audience laughs]
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Learn from my mistake.
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[audience laughs]
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Before Max and Finn came along,
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people told us all of the typical things
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of make sure you travel,
you're not gonna get a lot of sleep.
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Nobody mentioned the utter humiliation
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that happens on a near-daily basis.
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[audience laughs]
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Like, "It's just her."
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Another example:
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At bedtime, I was walking upstairs
with our son Max,
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and he asked
if I would read him a story.
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And I thought,
"Well, this will be great."
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We can just have
a little special moment together.
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I'll snuggle in real close to him
and read him a book.
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He picks out a story.
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And I'm reading the book.
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He's just staring at me.
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[audience laughs]
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I get to page, like, four or five,
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and then he says,
"Can you leave?"
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[audience laughs]
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"Absolutely.
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Uh...
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My apologies."
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[audience laughs]
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But you could tell he was
just like, "Yeah, I get it.
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The little animal misses
its mommy or whatever,
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but, uh, I'm exhausted,
so beat it."
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[audience laughs]
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Stephanie and I
were completely dead asleep
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in the middle of the night
one time when Finn came in
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and just wedged his little body
right between us.
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Just got right in there.
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And then in the darkness,
this little voice...
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"I have two mommies?"
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[audience laughs]
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I said, "Yes, you have two mommies."
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And he said,
"I don't want two mommies."
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[audience laughs]
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And I'm sitting there thinking, "Oh,
my gosh, this train has left the station."
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[audience laughs]
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And also, because it was dark,
I couldn't make eye contact
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with Stephanie to be like,
"How are we gonna deal with this?"
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[audience laughs]
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But then a beat later, he said,
"I want three mommies."
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[audience laughs]
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I was like, "Phew."
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[audience laughs]
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That was close.
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[audience laughs]
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But also, I never imagined
it would be our young son
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who would open up our marriage.
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[audience laughs]
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[applause]
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But being a good parent,
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I immediately got online.
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[audience laughs]
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Started a new profile.
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[audience laughs]
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Saying "Little boy
in search of third mommy."
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[audience laughs]
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"Recent photos only."
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[audience laughs]
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They're seven and a half now,
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and it's starting to feel like
life is kind of normal again
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because we're getting sleep
and we're going out and socializing.
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We went to a movie premiere,
got home at 11:00. It was a big night.
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[audience laughs]
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And when we got home,
Stephanie immediately fell asleep.
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And I was up with a stomachache,
and I just thought,
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"Well, I'm not gonna bother her with this.
I'm sure it's nothing."
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All of my medical issues
end up not being a big deal anyway, so...
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[audience laughs]
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Why would this be any different?
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And then a couple of hours pass
and it just got worse and worse.
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And I just, I turned to her
and I said, "Oh, my gosh,
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I'm in so much pain
and my stomach's killing me."
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And she was really groggy and said...
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"Do you think it was
all the popcorn that you ate
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at the premiere of the movie?"
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And I said, "Mm, I do not."
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[audience laughs]
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"I've been eating popcorn
for almost 50 years now and, uh...
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Not consistently, but almost,
and this is not popcorn pain."
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[audience laughs]
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And she said, "Well,
why don't you get up, get dressed,
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and we'll go
to the emergency room
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because I don't think
we should take any chances."
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And I said,
"Well, I don't even know if I can walk.
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I'm in so much pain."
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And she said, You can't walk?
Well, then I'm calling 911."
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And people of Brooklyn...
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[audience laughs]
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She called 911
and a gigantic fireman appeared
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at our bedroom door.
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This guy was over six feet tall,
had rubber boots on,
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fireman pants,
muscles out to here,
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suspenders, no shirt.
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[audience laughs]
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Meanwhile, I'm lying in bed
feeling so vulnerable
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'cause I'm in terrible pain.
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Plus, I'm in my nightgown and...
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[audience laughs]
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You think I wear a nightgown?
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[audience laughs]
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Me, your friend Tig,
you think I wear a nightgown?
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[audience laughs]
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You think I'm walking around
the house like...
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[audience laughs]
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"Who is it? Who is it?"
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[audience laughs]
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Because that's what you do
when you wear a nightgown.
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You find out who it is.
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[audience laughs]
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I think the last time I wore a nightgown
was probably 1977.
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[audience laughs]
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Probably had a little Pooh Bear
on the front
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scooping honey
out of a clay pot.
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[audience laughs]
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Fully polyester.
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My mother would walk down the hall.
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[inhales]
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"Good night."
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[audience laughs]
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[imitates fire]
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[audience laughs]
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Where was the fireman that night?
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[audience laughs]
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I'll tell you where he was.
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I bet he was in his little bed
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that was in the shape of a fire truck.
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[audience laughs]
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Dreaming of one day
becoming a fireman.
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Anyway...
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[audience laughs]
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So I'm in bed.
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He comes over and he says,
"I want you to know,
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I understand that
you're in a lot of pain
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and that there is an ambulance
outside if you need it."
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And I said, "Ah, I appreciate that.
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I just, I don't know if I can walk.
I'm in so much pain."
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00:10:01,977 --> 00:10:04,730
And he said,
"That is not a problem."
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00:10:04,730 --> 00:10:06,773
[audience laughs]
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And he scooped me up
in those big, strong arms.
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And I was like,
"Ho-ho-ho, I could get used to this."
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[audience laughs]
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Bada bing, bada boom.
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[audience laughs]
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Right then, I thought,
"Oh, I get it now."
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[audience laughs]
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[cheering and applause]
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If you think you're shocked,
how do you think I felt?
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[audience laughs]
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That is not my typical type.
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[audience laughs]
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Oh, here's another curveball
I learned about myself that night.
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Didn't know I was into this.
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He had a mustache.
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[audience laughs]
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It wasn't just a mustache.
It was one of these.
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[audience laughs]
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Yes, please.
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[audience laughs]
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Don't. Don't judge me.
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I feel like my demographic knows
better than most that you can fall for
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00:11:10,587 --> 00:11:14,174
and be attracted to anyone
at any point.
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And it goes every which way.
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[cheering and applause]
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It's true.
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00:11:22,391 --> 00:11:28,271
And I really had no idea
that this was my type.
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00:11:28,271 --> 00:11:29,940
[audience laughs]
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00:11:29,940 --> 00:11:35,070
I always thought if I'm ever into a guy,
it's not gonna be that guy.
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00:11:35,070 --> 00:11:36,363
[audience laughs]
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00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:40,075
I always thought he'd be
a singer-songwriter.
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00:11:40,075 --> 00:11:41,868
[audience laughs]
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00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:44,996
A painter, a poet.
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[audience laughs]
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He'd have a slight build.
We'd share a wardrobe.
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00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:53,004
[audience laughs]
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But not this guy.
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But there I was, in his arms,
my body just dangling,
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00:12:01,346 --> 00:12:03,348
nightgown flowing in the wind.
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00:12:03,348 --> 00:12:05,142
[audience laughs]
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00:12:05,142 --> 00:12:07,352
He's carrying me down the hall.
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00:12:07,352 --> 00:12:10,313
And I said, "Listen,
when we pass these two doors,
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00:12:10,313 --> 00:12:14,192
I need you to do me a favor
and I need you to be extra quiet,
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00:12:14,192 --> 00:12:20,282
because if my sons wake up
and see this situation,
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they are going to be so confused
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00:12:23,952 --> 00:12:26,955
on so many different levels."
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00:12:26,955 --> 00:12:29,374
But he was amazing about it.
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00:12:29,374 --> 00:12:31,585
You know how he is.
He is the best.
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00:12:31,585 --> 00:12:33,044
[audience laughs]
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00:12:33,044 --> 00:12:37,466
He starts tiptoeing
with me in his arms.
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He carries me down the stairs.
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00:12:39,885 --> 00:12:43,805
And my father-in-law lives with us,
and he carried me past him.
239
00:12:43,805 --> 00:12:46,725
And then Stephanie had the door
of the house open,
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and he carried me past her.
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00:12:48,310 --> 00:12:51,062
And I was just like,
"Goodbye, old life."
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00:12:51,062 --> 00:12:54,149
[audience laughs]
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00:12:57,068 --> 00:13:02,407
We get out to the ambulance
and he gently places me on the gurney.
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00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:05,494
Kisses me on the forehead.
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00:13:05,494 --> 00:13:07,662
[audience laughs]
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00:13:07,662 --> 00:13:09,206
It was mutual.
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00:13:09,206 --> 00:13:10,999
[audience laughs]
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00:13:10,999 --> 00:13:13,585
He closes and locks the back door.
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00:13:13,585 --> 00:13:15,378
And then, wouldn't you know it...
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[knocking]
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00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:20,800
"Oh, God.
252
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:24,346
Hey, uh, apparently,
253
00:13:24,346 --> 00:13:29,184
my roommate is worried about me
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00:13:29,184 --> 00:13:32,854
and wants to join us
on the ride to the hospital."
255
00:13:32,854 --> 00:13:35,982
[audience laughs]
256
00:13:35,982 --> 00:13:37,901
"Thanks a lot, Stephanie."
257
00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:39,361
[audience laughs]
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00:13:39,361 --> 00:13:41,821
Total buzzkill.
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00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:44,533
But as I suspected,
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it ended up not being a big deal.
261
00:13:46,660 --> 00:13:49,079
It was just internal bleeding.
262
00:13:49,079 --> 00:13:50,372
[audience laughs]
263
00:13:50,372 --> 00:13:53,625
And a couple of weeks later,
Stephanie and I are at a party.
264
00:13:53,625 --> 00:13:58,463
I'm telling everyone in this group
about the hot, sexy fireman
265
00:13:58,463 --> 00:14:00,966
that carried me out of the house
in the middle of the night.
266
00:14:00,966 --> 00:14:02,592
I was like,
"Oh, my God, you should've seen it.
267
00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:05,512
Just muscles, mustache, so sexy."
268
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:12,143
Stephanie overhears this, walks up,
and says, "I'm sorry."
269
00:14:12,143 --> 00:14:14,896
She has a look of disgust on her face.
270
00:14:14,896 --> 00:14:17,482
She's like,
"You thought that guy was hot?"
271
00:14:17,482 --> 00:14:18,441
[audience laughs]
272
00:14:18,441 --> 00:14:20,277
"Uh, yes, I did."
273
00:14:20,277 --> 00:14:21,987
[audience laughs]
274
00:14:21,987 --> 00:14:23,738
"And this is not a matter of opinion."
275
00:14:23,738 --> 00:14:25,407
[audience laughs]
276
00:14:25,407 --> 00:14:27,742
"This is a matter of fact."
277
00:14:27,742 --> 00:14:31,413
And I don't know
if anyone here can relate,
278
00:14:31,413 --> 00:14:35,750
but there is nothing more awkward
279
00:14:35,750 --> 00:14:40,046
than finding out in a social situation
280
00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:43,216
that you and your wife
281
00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:47,095
have completely different taste in men.
282
00:14:47,095 --> 00:14:51,558
[audience laughs]
283
00:14:57,439 --> 00:15:00,483
The older I get, I'm noticing
284
00:15:00,483 --> 00:15:03,528
I think I have trouble with my hearing.
285
00:15:03,528 --> 00:15:05,238
I-I-- Something's off.
286
00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:07,490
I always misunderstand a word
287
00:15:07,490 --> 00:15:11,453
or miss an entire chunk
of information altogether.
288
00:15:11,453 --> 00:15:13,997
I'll give you a couple of examples.
289
00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:20,086
Uh, I was working in Toronto,
and I checked in for my flight.
290
00:15:20,086 --> 00:15:24,716
And the woman behind the counter said,
"Okay, you're all set.
291
00:15:24,716 --> 00:15:29,638
You can go hang out now
in the Make Believe Lounge."
292
00:15:29,638 --> 00:15:32,724
[audience laughs]
293
00:15:36,019 --> 00:15:37,020
[chuckles]
294
00:15:37,020 --> 00:15:38,772
I said, "Oh, yeah?"
295
00:15:38,772 --> 00:15:41,232
[audience laughs]
296
00:15:41,232 --> 00:15:42,567
"Where is that?"
297
00:15:42,567 --> 00:15:43,860
[audience laughs]
298
00:15:43,860 --> 00:15:46,571
And she said,
"It's on the fourth floor."
299
00:15:46,571 --> 00:15:48,657
I said, "Oh, is it, now?"
300
00:15:48,657 --> 00:15:49,783
[audience laughs]
301
00:15:49,783 --> 00:15:52,285
And she's just like,
"Mm-hmm, yeah."
302
00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:57,082
And I said, "All right, well, uh,
I guess I'm gonna head up there now."
303
00:15:57,082 --> 00:15:58,458
[audience laughs]
304
00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:00,502
And the whole time,
she's just nodding her head.
305
00:16:00,502 --> 00:16:01,544
"Yep. Okay."
306
00:16:01,544 --> 00:16:04,673
I'm like, "Okay, here I go."
307
00:16:04,673 --> 00:16:07,467
[audience laughs]
308
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,846
[audience laughs]
309
00:16:11,846 --> 00:16:14,474
Okay, here's the thing.
310
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:17,560
I deal with these types of people
311
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:20,980
in these jobs on a near-daily basis,
312
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:25,860
and it's typically a very straightforward
exchange of information.
313
00:16:25,860 --> 00:16:28,405
And with her, I thought,
314
00:16:28,405 --> 00:16:31,157
"I've clearly stumbled
upon a little weirdo."
315
00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:32,575
[audience laughs]
316
00:16:32,575 --> 00:16:34,744
But I'll play.
317
00:16:34,744 --> 00:16:37,872
But she never said,
"I'm just kidding."
318
00:16:37,872 --> 00:16:42,001
So I thought, "Okay, I have to go see
what's going on on the fourth floor."
319
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:43,044
[audience laughs]
320
00:16:43,044 --> 00:16:48,133
I press the elevator button,
go up, the doors open,
321
00:16:48,133 --> 00:16:50,802
and there is a huge sign that says,
322
00:16:50,802 --> 00:16:55,140
"Welcome to the Maple Leaf Lounge."
323
00:16:55,140 --> 00:16:59,144
[audience laughs]
324
00:16:59,144 --> 00:17:00,395
You know, Canada.
325
00:17:00,395 --> 00:17:01,813
[audience laughs]
326
00:17:01,813 --> 00:17:06,192
And I immediately cringe,
327
00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:11,990
reflecting on the exchange
that I just had
328
00:17:11,990 --> 00:17:13,575
where the woman clearly said
329
00:17:13,575 --> 00:17:18,079
I could go hang out
in the Maple Leaf Lounge,
330
00:17:18,079 --> 00:17:19,914
and I'm like, "Oh, yeah?"
331
00:17:19,914 --> 00:17:22,333
[audience laughs]
332
00:17:22,333 --> 00:17:23,626
"Where is that?"
333
00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:25,920
[audience laughs]
334
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:28,298
"It's on the fourth floor."
335
00:17:28,298 --> 00:17:30,175
"Okay. Is it, now?"
336
00:17:30,175 --> 00:17:32,802
[audience laughs]
337
00:17:32,802 --> 00:17:34,429
"Mm-hmm, yes."
338
00:17:34,429 --> 00:17:37,891
"Okay, well, I guess
I'm gonna head up there now."
339
00:17:37,891 --> 00:17:39,017
[audience laughs]
340
00:17:39,017 --> 00:17:40,685
"Okay."
341
00:17:40,685 --> 00:17:44,105
"All right, here I go."
342
00:17:44,105 --> 00:17:47,192
[audience laughs]
343
00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:51,696
[audience laughs]
344
00:17:51,696 --> 00:17:53,948
I looked clinically insane.
345
00:17:53,948 --> 00:17:56,034
[audience laughs]
346
00:18:00,789 --> 00:18:01,790
Another example:
347
00:18:01,790 --> 00:18:05,835
Uh, as I mentioned before,
Stephanie and I oftentimes work together,
348
00:18:05,835 --> 00:18:08,963
and we had a meeting one afternoon
349
00:18:08,963 --> 00:18:13,134
with Reese Witherspoon
and her producing partner,
350
00:18:13,134 --> 00:18:16,262
and we were having a great time.
351
00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:20,892
We were all sharing stories.
We're laughing so hard.
352
00:18:20,892 --> 00:18:24,103
Just really a grand old time.
353
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:28,525
And then Reese started
talking about the TV show
354
00:18:28,525 --> 00:18:32,278
that she worked on
called Big Little Lies.
355
00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:37,992
And she said, "Uh, yeah, I was one
of the shortest cast members of the show.
356
00:18:37,992 --> 00:18:43,373
I'm 5'2", Laura Dern is 5'10",
357
00:18:43,373 --> 00:18:47,669
Nicole Kidman is six feet,
358
00:18:47,669 --> 00:18:51,089
and Shailene is 5'8"."
359
00:18:51,089 --> 00:18:54,008
And I responded, saying,
360
00:18:54,008 --> 00:18:57,637
"Oh, that's interesting
'cause years ago
361
00:18:57,637 --> 00:19:01,057
I dated a woman
that was six feet tall,
362
00:19:01,057 --> 00:19:04,727
and I think she was kind of
insecure about her height,
363
00:19:04,727 --> 00:19:06,729
so she hunched."
364
00:19:06,729 --> 00:19:09,816
[audience laughs]
365
00:19:14,946 --> 00:19:16,030
So...
366
00:19:16,030 --> 00:19:19,659
[audience laughs]
367
00:19:24,539 --> 00:19:25,540
Now...
368
00:19:27,458 --> 00:19:31,212
The vibe in the room tonight
369
00:19:31,212 --> 00:19:35,842
is eerily similar to the vibe
370
00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:38,303
in Reese Witherspoon's office that day.
371
00:19:38,303 --> 00:19:39,679
[audience laughs]
372
00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:42,682
And soon after,
we wrap up the meeting,
373
00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:48,062
head out, shut the door,
374
00:19:48,062 --> 00:19:51,858
and Stephanie turns to me and says,
375
00:19:51,858 --> 00:19:53,484
"Um..."
376
00:19:53,484 --> 00:19:56,696
[audience laughs]
377
00:19:56,696 --> 00:20:00,909
"What were you talking about in there?"
378
00:20:00,909 --> 00:20:04,746
[audience laughs]
379
00:20:04,746 --> 00:20:10,209
And that was the moment
that I learned
380
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:14,964
that there is an actress
named Shailene.
381
00:20:14,964 --> 00:20:19,636
[audience laughs]
382
00:20:19,636 --> 00:20:20,720
I...
383
00:20:23,514 --> 00:20:24,849
I had never heard of her.
384
00:20:24,849 --> 00:20:27,018
[audience laughs]
385
00:20:33,316 --> 00:20:36,653
Now, this is also
the moment in the show
386
00:20:36,653 --> 00:20:39,948
where there's a pocket of people
that are like,
387
00:20:39,948 --> 00:20:44,911
"Oh, that is funny."
388
00:20:44,911 --> 00:20:47,246
[audience laughs]
389
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:51,668
And then there are other people
like, "What?
390
00:20:51,668 --> 00:20:54,504
[audience laughs]
391
00:20:54,504 --> 00:20:57,715
And then I see people
lean into each other
392
00:20:57,715 --> 00:21:00,677
to be like, "Well, no, I think,"
to explain.
393
00:21:00,677 --> 00:21:01,678
[audience laughs]
394
00:21:01,678 --> 00:21:04,931
No need to explain.
That's why I'm-I'm here. I...
395
00:21:04,931 --> 00:21:06,599
[audience laughs]
396
00:21:06,599 --> 00:21:11,688
[cheering and applause]
397
00:21:11,688 --> 00:21:15,775
Let me tell you what I heard.
398
00:21:15,775 --> 00:21:17,902
[audience laughs]
399
00:21:17,902 --> 00:21:22,991
I heard that Reese Witherspoon is 5'2",
400
00:21:22,991 --> 00:21:26,995
Laura Dern is 5'10",
401
00:21:26,995 --> 00:21:31,582
Nicole Kidman is six feet...
402
00:21:31,582 --> 00:21:33,418
and she leans 5'8".
403
00:21:33,418 --> 00:21:38,339
[audience laughs]
404
00:21:41,175 --> 00:21:43,177
That's why I said what I said.
405
00:21:43,177 --> 00:21:48,099
[audience laughs]
406
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:52,854
I was sitting there looking at Reese,
407
00:21:52,854 --> 00:21:57,483
her producing partner, Lauren,
and my own wife
408
00:21:57,483 --> 00:21:59,318
staring back at me.
409
00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:00,820
[audience laughs]
410
00:22:00,820 --> 00:22:05,074
You could tell in their eyes they were
desperately trying to connect the dots.
411
00:22:05,074 --> 00:22:06,701
[audience laughs]
412
00:22:06,701 --> 00:22:09,871
To make what I had just said
makes sense.
413
00:22:09,871 --> 00:22:13,791
[audience laughs]
414
00:22:13,791 --> 00:22:17,378
And I feel like
I can read a room pretty well,
415
00:22:17,378 --> 00:22:21,674
and I was truly sitting there
like, "What?"
416
00:22:21,674 --> 00:22:24,218
[audience laughs]
417
00:22:24,218 --> 00:22:29,807
I was also thinking,
"Oh, I'm sorry, Reese.
418
00:22:29,807 --> 00:22:34,771
You can share
your boring height story."
419
00:22:34,771 --> 00:22:37,690
[audience laughs]
420
00:22:37,690 --> 00:22:42,361
"And then as soon as I share mine,
the entire room shuts down?"
421
00:22:42,361 --> 00:22:44,989
[audience laughs]
422
00:22:48,201 --> 00:22:50,787
I truly, in that moment,
423
00:22:50,787 --> 00:22:54,665
I truly thought I was being
a really good conversationalist.
424
00:22:54,665 --> 00:22:56,000
[audience laughs]
425
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,460
I was like, "Oh, interesting.
426
00:22:57,460 --> 00:23:01,798
Okay, so your friend is six feet
and she leans 5'8".
427
00:23:01,798 --> 00:23:04,675
Boy, do I have a story for you."
428
00:23:04,675 --> 00:23:08,221
[audience laughs]
429
00:23:12,016 --> 00:23:15,978
So again, Reese Witherspoon is 5'2"...
430
00:23:15,978 --> 00:23:17,939
[audience laughs]
431
00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:23,361
Laura Dern is 5'10",
432
00:23:23,361 --> 00:23:27,490
Nicole Kidman is six feet,
433
00:23:27,490 --> 00:23:31,994
and Shailene is 5'8".
434
00:23:31,994 --> 00:23:32,995
[audience laughs]
435
00:23:32,995 --> 00:23:38,459
And I essentially just responded to that
with, "Oh, interesting.
436
00:23:38,459 --> 00:23:41,420
Um, I used to date a woman
that hunched."
437
00:23:41,420 --> 00:23:43,089
[audience laughs]
438
00:23:43,089 --> 00:23:44,090
"Bye-bye."
439
00:23:44,090 --> 00:23:47,927
[audience laughs]
440
00:23:47,927 --> 00:23:49,345
"Nailed that meeting."
441
00:23:49,345 --> 00:23:52,181
[audience laughs]
442
00:23:52,181 --> 00:23:53,724
"We'll be in touch, Reese."
443
00:23:53,724 --> 00:23:55,810
[audience laughs]
444
00:23:57,228 --> 00:23:59,063
[chuckles]
445
00:23:59,063 --> 00:24:02,024
I have no connection to Nicole Kidman.
446
00:24:02,024 --> 00:24:05,987
I don't-- I mean, I've seen her,
you know, on TV shows and in film,
447
00:24:05,987 --> 00:24:11,534
but if her friend is telling me
she's six feet and leans 5'8",
448
00:24:11,534 --> 00:24:13,202
I'm not gonna push back.
449
00:24:13,202 --> 00:24:15,329
[audience laughs]
450
00:24:15,329 --> 00:24:17,999
And no matter how old you are,
451
00:24:17,999 --> 00:24:22,253
you can always learn a new word
or a new phrase.
452
00:24:22,253 --> 00:24:25,715
And I promise you, I thought
that's what was happening.
453
00:24:25,715 --> 00:24:26,632
[audience laughs]
454
00:24:26,632 --> 00:24:29,886
It's like,
"Oh, okay, six feet, leans five...
455
00:24:29,886 --> 00:24:32,555
Is that what that's called? Hmm."
456
00:24:32,555 --> 00:24:34,140
[audience laughs]
457
00:24:34,140 --> 00:24:37,185
"I'll have to use that moving forward."
458
00:24:37,185 --> 00:24:39,645
[audience laughs]
459
00:24:39,645 --> 00:24:42,732
I really... I didn't know. I...
460
00:24:42,732 --> 00:24:45,026
Yeah, I don't know Nicole.
461
00:24:45,026 --> 00:24:47,361
I'm not connected.
462
00:24:47,361 --> 00:24:53,451
The only slight connection
I have to Nicole Kidman is
463
00:24:53,451 --> 00:24:58,247
I know that there are some people
464
00:24:58,247 --> 00:25:04,045
who think I look like her ex-husband.
465
00:25:04,045 --> 00:25:07,715
[audience laughs]
466
00:25:07,715 --> 00:25:09,634
[cheering and applause]
467
00:25:09,634 --> 00:25:11,719
But...
468
00:25:11,719 --> 00:25:13,804
[cheering and applause]
469
00:25:16,098 --> 00:25:21,187
I have to say, whenever I do
the "she leans," it makes me feel cool.
470
00:25:21,187 --> 00:25:22,813
[audience laughs]
471
00:25:22,813 --> 00:25:23,940
Yeah.
472
00:25:23,940 --> 00:25:25,483
[audience laughs]
473
00:25:25,483 --> 00:25:28,319
My back used to be so bad
that if you caught me
474
00:25:28,319 --> 00:25:32,949
a few years ago, I would
have been like, "She leans."
475
00:25:32,949 --> 00:25:39,038
But my friend highly recommended
I go to his chiropractor in Los Angeles,
476
00:25:39,038 --> 00:25:44,543
and I did, and she snapped, crackled,
and popped me back into shape.
477
00:25:44,543 --> 00:25:48,673
And she said, "I do feel like this
is gonna hold you for a few months,
478
00:25:48,673 --> 00:25:52,301
but you might be a candidate
for back surgery."
479
00:25:52,301 --> 00:25:55,471
And so I'm lying there
and she's asking me,
480
00:25:55,471 --> 00:25:57,306
you know,
what happened to my back.
481
00:25:57,306 --> 00:26:02,770
And I said, "Oh, I was in a car accident,
a skiing accident, snowboarding accident."
482
00:26:02,770 --> 00:26:04,605
I said, "We have these
two little roommates
483
00:26:04,605 --> 00:26:07,400
that are in the 99th percentile.
484
00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:11,779
Anytime I pick them up,
it snaps my back in two."
485
00:26:11,779 --> 00:26:15,866
And she says, "Okay, well,
if you do go meet with surgeons,
486
00:26:15,866 --> 00:26:19,078
just make sure
that you mention your accidents
487
00:26:19,078 --> 00:26:22,331
and that you're a mother or whatever."
488
00:26:22,331 --> 00:26:24,625
[audience laughs]
489
00:26:24,625 --> 00:26:26,168
And she kept talking
490
00:26:26,168 --> 00:26:29,755
and telling me the important information
to tell the surgeon,
491
00:26:29,755 --> 00:26:32,300
but I was lying there thinking,
492
00:26:32,300 --> 00:26:37,430
"A mother or, slap, slap, whatever."
I was...
493
00:26:37,430 --> 00:26:38,389
[audience laughs]
494
00:26:38,389 --> 00:26:40,725
What does that mean?
495
00:26:40,725 --> 00:26:43,060
And so I didn't hear anything she said.
496
00:26:43,060 --> 00:26:44,312
[audience laughs]
497
00:26:44,312 --> 00:26:48,024
And my brain just started going
in all of these different directions.
498
00:26:48,024 --> 00:26:50,860
And I'm just thinking,
"Does she think I'm a man?"
499
00:26:50,860 --> 00:26:51,986
[audience laughs]
500
00:26:51,986 --> 00:26:56,324
And then I thought, "Oh,
maybe she thinks I identify differently."
501
00:26:56,324 --> 00:26:58,367
Uh, which, just so you know,
502
00:26:58,367 --> 00:27:03,789
I just identify as a run-of-the-mill,
old-fashioned lesbian.
503
00:27:03,789 --> 00:27:05,166
- And I...
- [cheering and applause]
504
00:27:05,166 --> 00:27:07,209
I don't need a standing ovation. I...
505
00:27:07,209 --> 00:27:08,919
[audience laughs]
506
00:27:08,919 --> 00:27:12,965
We're all something,
and that's just what I am.
507
00:27:12,965 --> 00:27:15,968
But I was like... [sighs]
508
00:27:15,968 --> 00:27:17,053
And then I thought...
509
00:27:18,220 --> 00:27:21,515
You know how you can hire
somebody to come in
510
00:27:21,515 --> 00:27:24,643
to talk about sexual harassment
in the office?
511
00:27:24,643 --> 00:27:25,644
[audience laughs]
512
00:27:25,644 --> 00:27:28,272
I was really reaching here,
513
00:27:28,272 --> 00:27:33,235
and I was thinking, "Oh, maybe
there's some company you can hire
514
00:27:33,235 --> 00:27:34,153
that will come in."
515
00:27:34,153 --> 00:27:35,905
And then I stopped myself.
516
00:27:35,905 --> 00:27:39,784
I was like, there is no world
that there is a company
517
00:27:39,784 --> 00:27:44,372
that comes in to say,
"Listen, if you find yourself
518
00:27:44,372 --> 00:27:49,543
face to face with someone
or something that you can't identify,
519
00:27:49,543 --> 00:27:52,630
say what you think they are,
520
00:27:52,630 --> 00:27:56,342
and then just flap your hand
521
00:27:56,342 --> 00:28:00,513
about an inch from the nose
522
00:28:00,513 --> 00:28:02,306
and then say, 'Or whatever.'"
523
00:28:02,306 --> 00:28:03,974
[audience laughs]
524
00:28:03,974 --> 00:28:05,935
"And that's the all-inclusive part."
525
00:28:05,935 --> 00:28:07,603
[audience laughs]
526
00:28:07,603 --> 00:28:11,315
I was like,
"There's no possible way, Tig."
527
00:28:11,315 --> 00:28:15,486
But I could tell that
she didn't have bad intentions,
528
00:28:15,486 --> 00:28:19,281
um, which I think
is very important these days.
529
00:28:19,281 --> 00:28:22,660
Probably has always been important,
but really important now.
530
00:28:22,660 --> 00:28:26,288
And I feel like the way I could tell
531
00:28:26,288 --> 00:28:31,210
that she didn't have bad intentions
was solely from that.
532
00:28:31,210 --> 00:28:33,170
[audience laughs]
533
00:28:33,170 --> 00:28:38,968
Honestly, when I drove home that day
when I was trying to solve this puzzle,
534
00:28:38,968 --> 00:28:45,057
I had a moment where I was like,
"Well, at least she did flap her hand."
535
00:28:45,057 --> 00:28:46,809
[audience laughs]
536
00:28:46,809 --> 00:28:49,770
- [sighs]
- [audience laughs]
537
00:28:49,770 --> 00:28:51,897
Because here's the thing,
538
00:28:51,897 --> 00:28:57,111
is a person that...
539
00:28:57,111 --> 00:29:01,824
I think that what happened was
she was looking at my face,
540
00:29:01,824 --> 00:29:04,785
and I think her sentence
got ahead of her.
541
00:29:04,785 --> 00:29:05,911
[audience laughs]
542
00:29:05,911 --> 00:29:09,832
And she was just like, "So, you know,
just tell them about your accidents,
543
00:29:09,832 --> 00:29:11,917
that you're a mother-- Oh..."
544
00:29:11,917 --> 00:29:13,294
[audience laughs]
545
00:29:13,294 --> 00:29:17,423
"Oh, this face could be
many different things.
546
00:29:17,423 --> 00:29:19,675
Flappity, flap, flap."
547
00:29:19,675 --> 00:29:21,010
[audience laughs]
548
00:29:21,010 --> 00:29:23,262
"Flap." You know, this is not...
549
00:29:23,262 --> 00:29:24,680
This is...
550
00:29:24,680 --> 00:29:26,098
This is panic.
551
00:29:26,098 --> 00:29:29,727
This is not "I'm gonna try
and hurt your feelings."
552
00:29:29,727 --> 00:29:34,690
This is "Oh, stop, rewind, flap it away."
553
00:29:34,690 --> 00:29:35,649
[audience laughs]
554
00:29:35,649 --> 00:29:40,988
I don't have the vocabulary,
but flappity, flap, flap."
555
00:29:40,988 --> 00:29:44,283
[audience laughs]
556
00:29:46,368 --> 00:29:49,747
I did, um...
I did end up having back surgery.
557
00:29:49,747 --> 00:29:52,958
And wouldn't you know it,
there were complications.
558
00:29:52,958 --> 00:29:55,127
I'll tell you what happened.
559
00:29:55,127 --> 00:29:58,589
They cut my stomach open,
move my insides over,
560
00:29:58,589 --> 00:30:02,301
bolt and fuse my spine,
move everything back over,
561
00:30:02,301 --> 00:30:04,386
and then zip me up.
562
00:30:04,386 --> 00:30:09,725
And I-I apologize.
I know that is a lot of medical jargon.
563
00:30:09,725 --> 00:30:10,893
[audience laughs]
564
00:30:10,893 --> 00:30:13,062
But it is what happened.
565
00:30:13,062 --> 00:30:18,067
And my blood pressure dropped really low,
my insides shut down,
566
00:30:18,067 --> 00:30:22,571
and they couldn't give me
the level of pain medication I needed
567
00:30:22,571 --> 00:30:24,740
because my blood pressure
was so low,
568
00:30:24,740 --> 00:30:29,245
so I was in so much pain,
started panicking.
569
00:30:29,245 --> 00:30:32,498
Then they gave me Ativan
for the anxiety.
570
00:30:32,498 --> 00:30:35,876
And we found out in that moment
571
00:30:35,876 --> 00:30:38,963
that I'm allergic to Ativan,
572
00:30:38,963 --> 00:30:43,884
and I started hallucinating like crazy.
573
00:30:43,884 --> 00:30:47,846
And Stephanie said the moment
that she knew something was off
574
00:30:47,846 --> 00:30:52,935
was when I was lying there
and I said, "Oh, boy."
575
00:30:52,935 --> 00:30:57,314
[audience laughs]
576
00:30:57,314 --> 00:30:58,607
"Here comes boss lady."
577
00:30:58,607 --> 00:31:01,402
[audience laughs]
578
00:31:01,402 --> 00:31:04,655
And she said, "First of all,
579
00:31:04,655 --> 00:31:07,324
I know you would
never use the term 'boss lady.'"
580
00:31:07,324 --> 00:31:09,326
[audience laughs]
581
00:31:09,326 --> 00:31:12,162
"Second of all,
you don't have a boss lady."
582
00:31:12,162 --> 00:31:13,289
[audience laughs]
583
00:31:13,289 --> 00:31:18,335
"And third of all,
there is nobody there."
584
00:31:18,335 --> 00:31:21,046
[audience laughs]
585
00:31:21,046 --> 00:31:22,715
And I guess I had turned
586
00:31:22,715 --> 00:31:28,095
and tried to shoo our family cat
off of the bedside table.
587
00:31:28,095 --> 00:31:32,057
I was like, "Fluff, get down.
Get away from the vodka."
588
00:31:32,057 --> 00:31:33,601
[audience laughs]
589
00:31:33,601 --> 00:31:36,061
Wasn't a bottle of vodka sitting there.
590
00:31:36,061 --> 00:31:40,357
Also, Fluff was not visiting me
that day in the hospital.
591
00:31:40,357 --> 00:31:41,483
[audience laughs]
592
00:31:41,483 --> 00:31:43,819
She had actually come the day before.
593
00:31:43,819 --> 00:31:45,487
[audience laughs]
594
00:31:45,487 --> 00:31:50,242
And before this moment, typically,
the doctors and nurses would always
595
00:31:50,242 --> 00:31:53,996
beeline over to me,
and they would check my vitals.
596
00:31:53,996 --> 00:31:59,043
And I look over and now they're
all standing around Stephanie,
597
00:31:59,043 --> 00:32:01,754
and I'm thinking,
"Oh, my gosh, what's going on?"
598
00:32:01,754 --> 00:32:04,131
I couldn't get a hold of my brain,
and I was like,
599
00:32:04,131 --> 00:32:06,300
"What are they talking about?"
600
00:32:06,300 --> 00:32:08,927
And then I heard Stephanie say,
601
00:32:08,927 --> 00:32:13,599
"Yeah, she's been hallucinating
on every sentence."
602
00:32:13,599 --> 00:32:14,892
[audience laughs]
603
00:32:14,892 --> 00:32:16,477
And then I interrupted.
604
00:32:16,477 --> 00:32:17,770
[audience laughs]
605
00:32:17,770 --> 00:32:20,939
And said, "Pfft, every other."
606
00:32:20,939 --> 00:32:24,401
[audience laughs]
607
00:32:24,401 --> 00:32:30,115
Just trying to save face because I really
did not know what was happening.
608
00:32:30,115 --> 00:32:33,661
I mean, truly had no clue,
609
00:32:33,661 --> 00:32:37,623
and I've never done
hallucinogenic drug trips.
610
00:32:37,623 --> 00:32:41,335
And that's probably obvious
just by that sentence.
611
00:32:41,335 --> 00:32:45,089
[audience laughs]
612
00:32:45,089 --> 00:32:49,176
The closest I've ever come
to that state of mind
613
00:32:49,176 --> 00:32:52,554
is when I'm really tired
or somebody wakes me up
614
00:32:52,554 --> 00:32:56,266
from my sleep, I'll say something
that doesn't make sense.
615
00:32:56,266 --> 00:32:59,103
And I remember
when I was in seventh grade,
616
00:32:59,103 --> 00:33:04,817
my friend was spending the night
and we were talking in the dark,
617
00:33:04,817 --> 00:33:08,654
and she was sharing something
traumatic from her childhood.
618
00:33:08,654 --> 00:33:13,659
And I woke up
because I heard myself yell,
619
00:33:13,659 --> 00:33:15,869
"There's corn dogs in the freezer!"
620
00:33:15,869 --> 00:33:19,581
[audience laughs]
621
00:33:19,581 --> 00:33:20,874
And she said, "What?"
622
00:33:20,874 --> 00:33:22,710
[audience laughs]
623
00:33:22,710 --> 00:33:25,003
And then I had to make it make sense.
624
00:33:25,003 --> 00:33:26,797
[audience laughs]
625
00:33:26,797 --> 00:33:29,550
And I said, "Oh, um...
626
00:33:29,550 --> 00:33:33,387
I just wanted to let you know
627
00:33:33,387 --> 00:33:37,850
that if you do get hungry in the night,
628
00:33:37,850 --> 00:33:40,394
we have corn dogs in our freezer."
629
00:33:40,394 --> 00:33:42,813
[audience laughs]
630
00:33:42,813 --> 00:33:45,065
"But anyway, go ahead.
I was listening."
631
00:33:45,065 --> 00:33:47,359
[audience laughs]
632
00:33:47,359 --> 00:33:48,610
And people of Brooklyn,
633
00:33:48,610 --> 00:33:52,281
we were not a corn dogs
in the freezer kind of family.
634
00:33:52,281 --> 00:33:53,782
[audience laughs]
635
00:33:53,782 --> 00:33:55,033
So that was a close call.
636
00:33:55,033 --> 00:33:56,744
[audience laughs]
637
00:33:56,744 --> 00:34:00,831
But needless to say,
I was not in touch
638
00:34:00,831 --> 00:34:04,626
with the outside world
during this stint.
639
00:34:04,626 --> 00:34:09,339
And Stephanie looked over at one point
and I had my cell phone in my hand.
640
00:34:09,339 --> 00:34:11,967
And she said, "What are you doing?"
641
00:34:11,967 --> 00:34:13,093
[audience laughs]
642
00:34:13,093 --> 00:34:15,637
And I said, "I'm texting Patrick."
643
00:34:15,637 --> 00:34:17,014
[audience laughs]
644
00:34:17,014 --> 00:34:20,684
And she said, "Let me see your phone."
And I said, "Why?"
645
00:34:20,684 --> 00:34:23,771
And she said, "Give me your phone."
646
00:34:23,771 --> 00:34:24,772
[audience laughs]
647
00:34:24,772 --> 00:34:27,649
And if she hadn't
taken a screen grab,
648
00:34:27,649 --> 00:34:31,612
I would never have believed
649
00:34:31,612 --> 00:34:35,365
what I was about
to send to Patrick.
650
00:34:35,365 --> 00:34:37,284
[audience laughs]
651
00:34:37,284 --> 00:34:43,165
He simply asked,
"Hey, how's it going in there?"
652
00:34:43,165 --> 00:34:46,919
And I responded, saying,
653
00:34:46,919 --> 00:34:52,800
"Hey, Patrick. Yeah, things
have been getting worse to a towel."
654
00:34:52,800 --> 00:34:57,763
[audience laughs]
655
00:34:57,763 --> 00:35:03,519
And then in parentheses, I wrote,
656
00:35:03,519 --> 00:35:06,855
"I see tractor!"
657
00:35:06,855 --> 00:35:10,776
[audience laughs]
658
00:35:14,112 --> 00:35:16,406
"Also, CHB."
659
00:35:16,406 --> 00:35:19,243
[audience laughs]
660
00:35:19,243 --> 00:35:24,998
And whenever I share this story,
inevitably, somebody asks,
661
00:35:24,998 --> 00:35:29,586
"What? What is CHB?"
662
00:35:29,586 --> 00:35:33,966
And my response is,
663
00:35:33,966 --> 00:35:37,678
"What is getting worse to a towel?"
664
00:35:37,678 --> 00:35:38,929
[audience laughs]
665
00:35:38,929 --> 00:35:43,725
Why does nobody have any question
about the rest of the text message?
666
00:35:43,725 --> 00:35:45,352
[audience laughs]
667
00:35:45,352 --> 00:35:49,439
Everybody's just like,
"What the hell is CHB?"
668
00:35:49,439 --> 00:35:51,567
[audience laughs]
669
00:35:51,567 --> 00:35:54,486
Like, what? I don't know. It's...
670
00:35:54,486 --> 00:35:57,781
I was out of my mind.
Make up whatever you want it to be.
671
00:35:57,781 --> 00:35:59,241
[audience laughs]
672
00:35:59,241 --> 00:36:04,246
But I love
that I had the wherewithal
673
00:36:04,246 --> 00:36:10,335
to put parentheses
around "I see tractor!"
674
00:36:10,335 --> 00:36:12,212
[audience laughs]
675
00:36:12,212 --> 00:36:18,302
Because I can only assume
that I was mid-text
676
00:36:18,302 --> 00:36:20,387
and then glanced over.
677
00:36:20,387 --> 00:36:23,223
[audience laughs]
678
00:36:23,223 --> 00:36:25,309
I was like, "Whoa."
679
00:36:25,309 --> 00:36:30,147
[audience laughs]
680
00:36:30,147 --> 00:36:35,277
"Okay, this has nothing to do
681
00:36:35,277 --> 00:36:38,780
with the rest of my message,
682
00:36:38,780 --> 00:36:43,285
but, uh, I do see tractor."
683
00:36:43,285 --> 00:36:47,122
[audience laughs]
684
00:36:47,122 --> 00:36:48,457
"Also, CHB."
685
00:36:48,457 --> 00:36:52,419
[audience laughs]
686
00:36:52,419 --> 00:36:56,340
And a couple of days
after I was discharged,
687
00:36:56,340 --> 00:37:00,886
I had this vague recollection
688
00:37:00,886 --> 00:37:04,848
of stopping texting Patrick
689
00:37:04,848 --> 00:37:09,519
to Google "how to spell tractor."
690
00:37:09,519 --> 00:37:13,231
[audience laughs]
691
00:37:13,231 --> 00:37:15,651
[chuckles]
I know how to spell "tractor."
692
00:37:15,651 --> 00:37:16,944
[audience laughs]
693
00:37:16,944 --> 00:37:20,280
But I guess in that state of mind
I was just like,
694
00:37:20,280 --> 00:37:25,243
"Okay, I can't just be
firing off misspelled texts."
695
00:37:25,243 --> 00:37:26,703
[audience laughs]
696
00:37:26,703 --> 00:37:28,705
"What will Patrick think of me?"
697
00:37:28,705 --> 00:37:33,710
[audience laughs]
698
00:37:36,004 --> 00:37:38,382
I ended up going
to physical therapy,
699
00:37:38,382 --> 00:37:41,635
and I just, I want to make sure
700
00:37:41,635 --> 00:37:45,013
that my physical therapist
is not here.
701
00:37:45,013 --> 00:37:46,098
[audience laughs]
702
00:37:46,098 --> 00:37:50,769
She has absolutely
zero sense of humor.
703
00:37:50,769 --> 00:37:52,479
[audience laughs]
704
00:37:52,479 --> 00:37:55,023
None.
705
00:37:55,023 --> 00:37:58,318
And Stephanie calls people like that
706
00:37:58,318 --> 00:38:00,821
"people who talk to one another."
707
00:38:00,821 --> 00:38:02,572
[audience laughs]
708
00:38:02,572 --> 00:38:05,242
And we do that at home
all the time.
709
00:38:05,242 --> 00:38:08,203
We'll be like,
"Good morning."
710
00:38:08,203 --> 00:38:10,038
[audience laughs]
711
00:38:10,038 --> 00:38:11,248
"Good morning."
712
00:38:11,248 --> 00:38:13,333
[audience laughs]
713
00:38:13,333 --> 00:38:15,502
"I've made breakfast."
714
00:38:15,502 --> 00:38:18,922
"It looks delicious. Thank you."
715
00:38:18,922 --> 00:38:21,174
"Well, I'd better be off to work."
716
00:38:21,174 --> 00:38:23,260
"Have a wonderful day."
717
00:38:23,260 --> 00:38:24,678
"I love you."
718
00:38:24,678 --> 00:38:26,346
"I love you, too."
719
00:38:26,346 --> 00:38:29,349
And that is people
who talk to one another.
720
00:38:29,349 --> 00:38:30,267
[audience laughs]
721
00:38:30,267 --> 00:38:33,562
- And... yeah.
- [applause]
722
00:38:33,562 --> 00:38:37,107
Yes, it really does deserve
an applause break.
723
00:38:37,107 --> 00:38:39,192
[audience laughs]
724
00:38:39,192 --> 00:38:41,319
So here's the thing.
725
00:38:41,319 --> 00:38:45,365
You can end up in weird positions
when you're in physical therapy,
726
00:38:45,365 --> 00:38:48,076
and it's just nice to be able
to connect with somebody.
727
00:38:48,076 --> 00:38:49,578
Not with her.
728
00:38:49,578 --> 00:38:50,829
[audience laughs]
729
00:38:50,829 --> 00:38:51,788
Okay?
730
00:38:51,788 --> 00:38:54,041
She wanted me to do this exercise
731
00:38:54,041 --> 00:38:59,546
that called for a very thick rubber band
around my thighs.
732
00:38:59,546 --> 00:39:05,177
And, um, she said, "To put put
the rubber band on, you step into it.
733
00:39:05,177 --> 00:39:07,387
It feels like you're putting on pants."
734
00:39:07,387 --> 00:39:08,764
But you're not.
735
00:39:08,764 --> 00:39:10,057
[audience laughs]
736
00:39:10,057 --> 00:39:12,809
You're stepping into a rubber band.
737
00:39:12,809 --> 00:39:17,022
And so I had moments
where I was like, "Oh, this is f...
738
00:39:17,022 --> 00:39:17,939
Oh, sorry."
739
00:39:17,939 --> 00:39:21,359
[audience laughs]
740
00:39:21,359 --> 00:39:24,446
'Cause she's just all about
strengthening the back.
741
00:39:24,446 --> 00:39:27,032
And which, of course,
that's why I'm there.
742
00:39:27,032 --> 00:39:30,660
"I'm on your side.
I just, I feel silly, and I would..."
743
00:39:30,660 --> 00:39:31,661
[audience laughs]
744
00:39:31,661 --> 00:39:32,579
"Okay, nothing."
745
00:39:32,579 --> 00:39:36,291
So I get the rubber band onto my thighs,
746
00:39:36,291 --> 00:39:40,796
and she said, "There's not enough room
in my office for this exercise,
747
00:39:40,796 --> 00:39:42,881
so please follow me out into the hallway."
748
00:39:42,881 --> 00:39:44,049
[audience laughs]
749
00:39:44,049 --> 00:39:46,259
[chuckles]
750
00:39:46,259 --> 00:39:50,180
Again, nothing about it is silly to her.
751
00:39:50,180 --> 00:39:51,890
So I'm waddling behind her.
752
00:39:51,890 --> 00:39:52,808
[audience laughs]
753
00:39:52,808 --> 00:39:55,685
And I said, "Oh, I feel so f..."
754
00:39:55,685 --> 00:39:58,021
[audience laughs]
755
00:39:58,021 --> 00:40:00,398
"Does everything
have to be a joke with you?"
756
00:40:00,398 --> 00:40:02,109
[audience laughs]
757
00:40:02,109 --> 00:40:03,318
"Kinda, yeah."
758
00:40:03,318 --> 00:40:04,444
[audience laughs]
759
00:40:04,444 --> 00:40:05,862
"I have a mortgage, so..."
760
00:40:05,862 --> 00:40:08,365
[audience laughs]
761
00:40:10,742 --> 00:40:12,119
We get out to the hall,
762
00:40:12,119 --> 00:40:14,996
and this is a large building
in Los Angeles,
763
00:40:14,996 --> 00:40:16,414
very high up.
764
00:40:16,414 --> 00:40:20,127
I mean, maybe ten times
as long as this stage.
765
00:40:20,127 --> 00:40:23,046
And she said, "I want you,
with the rubber band around your thighs,
766
00:40:23,046 --> 00:40:25,298
get in this position,
767
00:40:25,298 --> 00:40:31,012
and then do this
all the way down the hall
768
00:40:31,012 --> 00:40:34,474
and then all the way back,
so forth and so on, okay?"
769
00:40:34,474 --> 00:40:36,601
She-- Nothing's funny
about this to her.
770
00:40:36,601 --> 00:40:37,853
[audience laughs]
771
00:40:37,853 --> 00:40:40,564
'Cause she's just a person
who talks to other people.
772
00:40:40,564 --> 00:40:42,190
[audience laughs]
773
00:40:42,190 --> 00:40:45,735
I'm just like, "Oh, my gosh.
I'm alone."
774
00:40:45,735 --> 00:40:48,655
[audience laughs]
775
00:40:48,655 --> 00:40:50,824
So I'm going back and forth.
776
00:40:50,824 --> 00:40:56,913
And then here's an important bit
of information for you.
777
00:40:58,331 --> 00:41:01,293
All of the walls are glass.
778
00:41:01,293 --> 00:41:06,506
[audience laughs]
779
00:41:06,506 --> 00:41:10,135
We've got doctors' offices, attorneys...
780
00:41:10,135 --> 00:41:11,052
I'm...
781
00:41:11,052 --> 00:41:12,721
[audience laughs]
782
00:41:12,721 --> 00:41:16,808
[sing-song] Scooting down the hall
and I'm scooting down the hall.
783
00:41:16,808 --> 00:41:21,646
[sing-song] I'm scooting down the hall
and I'm scooting down the hall.
784
00:41:21,646 --> 00:41:22,981
[sing-song]
Scoot down...
785
00:41:22,981 --> 00:41:25,692
I mean, I'm...
786
00:41:25,692 --> 00:41:29,946
Look, I know I'm not
the most well-known person,
787
00:41:29,946 --> 00:41:33,700
but people were recognizing me.
788
00:41:33,700 --> 00:41:35,035
[audience laughs]
789
00:41:35,035 --> 00:41:37,120
Okay? And I'm just like...
790
00:41:37,120 --> 00:41:41,499
[audience laughs]
791
00:41:41,499 --> 00:41:43,251
"God help me."
792
00:41:43,251 --> 00:41:47,422
[sing-song] Scooting down the hall
and I'm scooting down the hall.
793
00:41:49,216 --> 00:41:53,428
While I'm scooting down the hall,
I have this other realization
794
00:41:53,428 --> 00:41:59,476
on top of everything,
where I'm like, "Oh. Oh, no."
795
00:41:59,476 --> 00:42:00,769
[audience laughs]
796
00:42:00,769 --> 00:42:06,816
"None of these people
waiting to see their doctors,
797
00:42:06,816 --> 00:42:09,444
or their lawyers,
798
00:42:09,444 --> 00:42:11,529
none of them know
799
00:42:11,529 --> 00:42:16,493
that there's a physical therapy office
on this floor."
800
00:42:16,493 --> 00:42:20,622
[audience laughs]
801
00:42:20,622 --> 00:42:25,543
[sing-song] I'm scooting down the hall
and I'm scooting down the hall.
802
00:42:25,543 --> 00:42:29,422
[sing-song] I'm scooting down the hall
and I'm scooting down...
803
00:42:29,422 --> 00:42:31,633
It's like, "What the hell is Tig doing?"
804
00:42:31,633 --> 00:42:33,134
[audience laughs]
805
00:42:33,134 --> 00:42:35,929
"I had the day off.
I'm checking on you."
806
00:42:35,929 --> 00:42:37,180
[audience laughs]
807
00:42:37,180 --> 00:42:40,058
You've got a big trial
in the morning, buddy."
808
00:42:40,058 --> 00:42:41,810
[audience laughs]
809
00:42:41,810 --> 00:42:46,314
[sing-song] Scooting down the hall
and I'm scooting down the hall.
810
00:42:46,314 --> 00:42:49,567
Oh, my gosh,
that is a hit song, is it not?
811
00:42:49,567 --> 00:42:53,655
[cheering and applause]
812
00:42:56,366 --> 00:43:00,829
And speaking of hit songs,
you probably don't know this about me,
813
00:43:00,829 --> 00:43:05,542
but I do love to sing
and play the piano.
814
00:43:05,542 --> 00:43:09,296
And I was thinking, I actually
might do that for you tonight.
815
00:43:09,296 --> 00:43:11,214
[cheering and applause]
816
00:43:11,214 --> 00:43:13,258
Only if you want me to.
817
00:43:13,258 --> 00:43:16,469
[cheering and applause]
818
00:43:16,469 --> 00:43:21,558
Oh, look at that, perfect timing.
819
00:43:21,558 --> 00:43:25,645
[cheering and applause]
820
00:43:28,815 --> 00:43:31,526
So, um, I do. I...
821
00:43:31,526 --> 00:43:35,488
I love to sing and play the piano.
822
00:43:35,488 --> 00:43:36,906
Um, I...
823
00:43:36,906 --> 00:43:39,617
I don't know how to do either.
824
00:43:39,617 --> 00:43:40,535
[audience laughs]
825
00:43:40,535 --> 00:43:45,623
- [playing off-key]
- [cheering and applause]
826
00:43:50,170 --> 00:43:51,296
I do. I love...
827
00:43:51,296 --> 00:43:54,966
You know, when I tell people
that I can't play the piano
828
00:43:54,966 --> 00:44:00,430
and I have a terrible voice,
they assume, oh,
829
00:44:00,430 --> 00:44:02,265
that I can't play anything.
830
00:44:03,433 --> 00:44:04,351
It's the opposite.
831
00:44:04,351 --> 00:44:05,602
[audience laughs]
832
00:44:05,602 --> 00:44:07,687
I can play whatever I want.
833
00:44:07,687 --> 00:44:13,485
- [playing off-key]
- [cheering and applause]
834
00:44:17,238 --> 00:44:18,656
Thank you.
835
00:44:21,493 --> 00:44:25,455
I'm probably one of very few pianists...
836
00:44:25,455 --> 00:44:28,375
[audience laughs]
837
00:44:28,375 --> 00:44:29,667
That's what we're called.
838
00:44:29,667 --> 00:44:32,962
[audience laughs]
839
00:44:32,962 --> 00:44:36,800
And if you're too immature
to deal with that word...
840
00:44:36,800 --> 00:44:37,842
[plays off-key]
841
00:44:37,842 --> 00:44:39,219
...then you're in the right place.
842
00:44:39,219 --> 00:44:41,554
[audience laughs]
843
00:44:41,554 --> 00:44:45,725
But I think I am one
of very few pianists that you'll see
844
00:44:45,725 --> 00:44:47,060
that plays cross-legged.
845
00:44:47,060 --> 00:44:51,147
- [playing off-key]
- [audience laughs]
846
00:45:00,365 --> 00:45:05,870
Sometimes I like to emulate,
like, a jazz pianist,
847
00:45:05,870 --> 00:45:11,960
because I feel like it kind of helps me
sound better when I, like...
848
00:45:11,960 --> 00:45:16,047
- [playing off-key]
- [audience laughs]
849
00:45:25,348 --> 00:45:28,184
Jazz is just chaos,
and that's all this is, so...
850
00:45:28,184 --> 00:45:30,270
- [playing off-key]
- [audience laughs]
851
00:45:36,943 --> 00:45:38,695
I mean, it kind of sounds like something.
852
00:45:38,695 --> 00:45:42,031
- [playing off-key]
- [audience laughs]
853
00:45:42,031 --> 00:45:44,367
Clap if you're a pianist tonight
and you think,
854
00:45:44,367 --> 00:45:46,411
"Well, it does
kind of sound like something."
855
00:45:46,411 --> 00:45:47,912
[cheering and applause]
856
00:45:47,912 --> 00:45:49,164
Whoa!
857
00:45:50,874 --> 00:45:51,875
Thank you.
858
00:45:51,875 --> 00:45:54,002
- [playing off-key]
- [audience laughs]
859
00:45:54,002 --> 00:45:55,670
A lot of pianists here.
860
00:45:55,670 --> 00:45:58,715
[audience laughs]
861
00:45:58,715 --> 00:46:00,758
What about a pianist
that's thinking,
862
00:46:00,758 --> 00:46:03,761
"Uh, actually,
it does not sound like anything."
863
00:46:03,761 --> 00:46:05,305
- [applause]
- Get out!
864
00:46:05,305 --> 00:46:07,849
[audience laughs]
865
00:46:07,849 --> 00:46:08,850
Get out.
866
00:46:08,850 --> 00:46:10,935
[audience laughs]
867
00:46:10,935 --> 00:46:12,437
You can't take my joy.
868
00:46:12,437 --> 00:46:14,772
[audience laughs]
869
00:46:18,526 --> 00:46:20,445
I mean, come on, I...
870
00:46:20,445 --> 00:46:22,030
Maybe I'll put out an album.
871
00:46:22,030 --> 00:46:23,573
[audience laughs]
872
00:46:26,910 --> 00:46:29,829
And just call it
"It Kind of Sounds Like Something."
873
00:46:29,829 --> 00:46:31,581
[audience laughs]
874
00:46:31,581 --> 00:46:36,252
[playing off-key]
875
00:46:37,420 --> 00:46:38,421
[plays off-note]
876
00:46:38,421 --> 00:46:39,672
[audience laughs]
877
00:46:39,672 --> 00:46:42,675
That's universal for the song is over.
878
00:46:42,675 --> 00:46:48,181
[cheering and applause]
879
00:46:54,479 --> 00:46:56,940
I feel like I'm accidentally
getting good at the piano.
880
00:46:56,940 --> 00:46:59,859
[audience laughs]
881
00:47:01,319 --> 00:47:02,362
Um...
882
00:47:02,362 --> 00:47:07,909
I was in Los Angeles
and I was at a party
883
00:47:07,909 --> 00:47:13,873
that was just littered
with some of the most famous people
884
00:47:13,873 --> 00:47:15,875
that you could ever imagine in your life,
885
00:47:15,875 --> 00:47:19,295
and I'm certainly not
including myself on that list,
886
00:47:19,295 --> 00:47:24,092
but on stage of this huge venue,
887
00:47:24,092 --> 00:47:29,889
there was a grand piano,
a full drum set, guitars, microphones,
888
00:47:29,889 --> 00:47:34,811
and, throughout the night,
different singers and musicians
889
00:47:34,811 --> 00:47:39,274
would get on stage,
do a few songs, and then get down,
890
00:47:39,274 --> 00:47:40,650
and then somebody else
would get up.
891
00:47:40,650 --> 00:47:45,780
You would see people
like Bruno Mars, Ariana Grande,
892
00:47:45,780 --> 00:47:51,035
Melissa Etheridge, uh, Anthony Kiedis--
893
00:47:51,035 --> 00:47:54,289
so many different great, great performers.
894
00:47:54,289 --> 00:47:56,916
And Adele was there.
895
00:47:56,916 --> 00:48:02,964
And yeah, no matter how famous
anybody at this party was,
896
00:48:02,964 --> 00:48:06,467
all anybody cared about was Adele.
897
00:48:06,467 --> 00:48:07,552
[audience laughs]
898
00:48:07,552 --> 00:48:09,429
And you'd just hear
the whole night, like,
899
00:48:09,429 --> 00:48:10,722
[whispering]
"Oh, there's Adele.
900
00:48:10,722 --> 00:48:13,766
Here she comes.
I think Adele is gonna sing next.
901
00:48:13,766 --> 00:48:16,603
Oh, she's going over by the...
She's by the stage.
902
00:48:16,603 --> 00:48:18,104
I think she's going on.
Here she comes.
903
00:48:18,104 --> 00:48:21,024
It's Adele, Adele, Adele,
Adele, Adele, Adele."
904
00:48:22,400 --> 00:48:23,693
And then she never sang.
905
00:48:23,693 --> 00:48:27,780
[audience laughs]
906
00:48:27,780 --> 00:48:31,451
And I turned to Stephanie
and I just said, "Pfft, I'll do it."
907
00:48:31,451 --> 00:48:35,079
[audience laughs]
908
00:48:36,080 --> 00:48:36,998
[chuckles]
909
00:48:36,998 --> 00:48:39,959
And Pink was finishing her final song.
910
00:48:39,959 --> 00:48:41,461
[audience laughs]
911
00:48:41,461 --> 00:48:43,796
And I walk up
to the front of the stage
912
00:48:43,796 --> 00:48:48,885
and I said,
"Hey, I wanna sing a song next."
913
00:48:48,885 --> 00:48:52,472
And she was so excited.
914
00:48:52,472 --> 00:48:54,641
She knew I did comedy.
915
00:48:54,641 --> 00:48:56,142
She didn't know I was a singer.
916
00:48:56,142 --> 00:49:00,396
[audience laughs]
917
00:49:00,396 --> 00:49:02,523
And she said,
"What song are you gonna sing?"
918
00:49:02,523 --> 00:49:08,029
And I said, "I wanna sing
Adele's 'Hello.'"
919
00:49:08,029 --> 00:49:12,325
[audience laughs]
920
00:49:16,037 --> 00:49:18,665
She was so excited,
921
00:49:18,665 --> 00:49:23,086
I thought her face
was gonna pop off of her head.
922
00:49:23,086 --> 00:49:25,296
[audience laughs]
923
00:49:28,341 --> 00:49:29,258
[chuckles]
924
00:49:29,258 --> 00:49:32,553
You can't dial in an Adele song.
925
00:49:32,553 --> 00:49:33,513
[audience laughs]
926
00:49:33,513 --> 00:49:34,681
You know? So she's like,
927
00:49:34,681 --> 00:49:37,308
"Oh, not only does she sing,
she's incredible."
928
00:49:37,308 --> 00:49:40,687
[audience laughs]
929
00:49:40,687 --> 00:49:43,231
And then I said,
"Here's the thing.
930
00:49:43,231 --> 00:49:46,192
I don't really know
how the song goes."
931
00:49:46,192 --> 00:49:48,611
[audience laughs]
932
00:49:48,611 --> 00:49:51,698
"And so I was wondering
if you could do me a favor
933
00:49:51,698 --> 00:49:54,158
and go over
to the side of the stage
934
00:49:54,158 --> 00:49:59,205
and ask the DJ
to play Adele's 'Hello,'
935
00:49:59,205 --> 00:50:03,042
and then I'll play and sing along
to the best of my ability."
936
00:50:03,042 --> 00:50:05,294
[audience laughs]
937
00:50:05,294 --> 00:50:09,382
And her face dropped
'cause she realized
938
00:50:09,382 --> 00:50:11,384
what she was dealing with
in that moment.
939
00:50:11,384 --> 00:50:12,844
[audience laughs]
940
00:50:12,844 --> 00:50:14,679
But she did it.
941
00:50:14,679 --> 00:50:20,643
Pink walks over, asks the DJ
to play Adele's "Hello."
942
00:50:20,643 --> 00:50:26,649
And that is what I was thinking
I just might play for you tonight.
943
00:50:26,649 --> 00:50:31,738
[cheering and applause]
944
00:50:33,364 --> 00:50:36,367
I just need to warm up a little more.
Hold on.
945
00:50:36,367 --> 00:50:39,495
- [playing off-key]
- [audience laughs]
946
00:50:50,298 --> 00:50:51,382
I actually...
You know what?
947
00:50:51,382 --> 00:50:54,677
- [plays off-note]
- [audience laughs]
948
00:50:54,677 --> 00:50:59,515
I feel like this is a good point
in the show to apologize.
949
00:50:59,515 --> 00:51:01,434
[audience laughs]
950
00:51:01,434 --> 00:51:05,313
Say a friend brought you tonight.
951
00:51:05,313 --> 00:51:09,817
[audience laughs]
952
00:51:09,817 --> 00:51:10,818
I'm sorry.
953
00:51:10,818 --> 00:51:15,323
[audience laughs]
954
00:51:15,323 --> 00:51:19,452
Or maybe you only know me
from my TV show One Mississippi
955
00:51:19,452 --> 00:51:22,747
or my podcast Handsome, and...
956
00:51:22,747 --> 00:51:25,208
[cheering and applause]
957
00:51:25,208 --> 00:51:28,252
And you're like, "Oh, she does stand-up?
What's that like?"
958
00:51:28,252 --> 00:51:29,337
[playing off-key]
959
00:51:29,462 --> 00:51:30,338
It's like this.
960
00:51:30,338 --> 00:51:32,131
[audience laughs]
961
00:51:42,266 --> 00:51:43,184
I'm sorry.
962
00:51:43,184 --> 00:51:45,394
[audience laughs]
963
00:51:45,394 --> 00:51:48,856
I have to say, I have these moments
when I'm on stage...
964
00:51:48,856 --> 00:51:50,691
[chuckles]
965
00:51:52,193 --> 00:51:55,613
...where I, I really get in touch with
966
00:51:55,613 --> 00:51:58,115
the fact that I am somebody's mother.
967
00:51:58,115 --> 00:51:59,992
[audience laughs]
968
00:51:59,992 --> 00:52:01,118
Or whatever, but...
969
00:52:01,118 --> 00:52:05,915
[audience laughs]
970
00:52:05,915 --> 00:52:09,168
You understand, I have to look
at these children in the face
971
00:52:09,168 --> 00:52:12,922
and say, "I have to go to work now."
972
00:52:12,922 --> 00:52:18,386
- [playing off-key]
- [audience laughs]
973
00:52:20,137 --> 00:52:22,598
"No, it's important.
I'm running late. I must go."
974
00:52:22,598 --> 00:52:25,726
- [playing off-key]
- [audience laughs]
975
00:52:31,566 --> 00:52:33,734
I, um...
976
00:52:33,734 --> 00:52:36,779
I close all of my shows
with Adele's "Hello."
977
00:52:36,779 --> 00:52:38,906
[audience laughs]
978
00:52:38,906 --> 00:52:42,076
And, um, I was in Honolulu,
979
00:52:42,076 --> 00:52:47,039
and it's in my contract
that I have a piano on stage.
980
00:52:48,165 --> 00:52:52,378
And I was backstage
and the promoter,
981
00:52:52,378 --> 00:52:55,548
somebody came up to me
and he said, "Tig, I'm so sorry.
982
00:52:55,548 --> 00:53:01,387
I don't know how this happened,
but you're supposed to have a piano."
983
00:53:01,387 --> 00:53:04,015
And I said, "Yes, I...
984
00:53:04,015 --> 00:53:05,224
I do need one."
985
00:53:05,224 --> 00:53:10,438
[audience laughs]
986
00:53:10,438 --> 00:53:13,274
And he said, um...
987
00:53:13,274 --> 00:53:15,318
[sighs]
988
00:53:16,360 --> 00:53:18,821
"I just looked at your contract
and I saw that you needed one.
989
00:53:18,821 --> 00:53:21,365
And I'm so sorry.
I don't know how this happened.
990
00:53:21,365 --> 00:53:23,784
We do have a piano.
991
00:53:23,784 --> 00:53:25,620
It's just, um...
992
00:53:25,620 --> 00:53:27,455
It's not tuned."
993
00:53:27,455 --> 00:53:32,543
[audience laughs]
994
00:53:32,543 --> 00:53:34,295
I said, "Oh, that's fine."
995
00:53:34,295 --> 00:53:36,714
[audience laughs]
996
00:53:36,714 --> 00:53:37,632
He said, "Really?"
997
00:53:37,632 --> 00:53:41,052
And I said, "Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
It makes no difference whatsoever."
998
00:53:41,052 --> 00:53:42,345
[audience laughs]
999
00:53:42,345 --> 00:53:43,387
"Same show."
1000
00:53:43,387 --> 00:53:44,639
[audience laughs]
1001
00:53:44,639 --> 00:53:47,767
"In fact,
every other key could be missing."
1002
00:53:47,767 --> 00:53:49,101
[audience laughs]
1003
00:53:49,101 --> 00:53:50,102
"Same show."
1004
00:53:50,102 --> 00:53:52,104
[audience laughs]
1005
00:53:52,104 --> 00:53:53,981
[playing off-key]
1006
00:53:53,981 --> 00:53:55,316
So...
1007
00:53:57,401 --> 00:54:01,781
Actually, if anybody
has a specific song title
1008
00:54:01,781 --> 00:54:03,950
that they would like to request.
1009
00:54:03,950 --> 00:54:09,455
[audience shouting requests]
1010
00:54:09,455 --> 00:54:13,960
I love that everyone's, like, panicking,
like, trying to, like...
1011
00:54:13,960 --> 00:54:15,962
"We came here for the hits, Tig."
1012
00:54:15,962 --> 00:54:19,882
[audience laughs]
1013
00:54:19,882 --> 00:54:21,258
[audience shouting requests]
1014
00:54:21,258 --> 00:54:22,343
Any? What?
1015
00:54:22,343 --> 00:54:28,432
[audience shouting requests]
1016
00:54:28,432 --> 00:54:29,809
Listen to yourselves.
1017
00:54:29,809 --> 00:54:30,977
[audience laughs]
1018
00:54:30,977 --> 00:54:32,937
Just listen to yourselves.
1019
00:54:32,937 --> 00:54:34,730
[audience laughs]
1020
00:54:34,730 --> 00:54:37,566
[playing off-key]
1021
00:54:37,566 --> 00:54:39,652
What's that?
1022
00:54:39,652 --> 00:54:42,154
"Heart and Soul"
by Huey Lewis?
1023
00:54:42,154 --> 00:54:44,156
[audience laughs]
1024
00:54:44,156 --> 00:54:45,491
No?
1025
00:54:45,491 --> 00:54:47,284
[audience laughs]
1026
00:54:47,284 --> 00:54:48,828
Well, I'm sorry. What is...
1027
00:54:48,828 --> 00:54:51,038
Who sings "Heart and Soul"?
1028
00:54:51,038 --> 00:54:54,458
Wait, why does it even matter?
I don't know how to play piano.
1029
00:54:54,458 --> 00:54:56,335
[audience laughs]
1030
00:54:56,335 --> 00:54:59,588
I can't even believe
I'm getting hung up on details here.
1031
00:54:59,588 --> 00:55:01,424
[audience laughs]
1032
00:55:01,424 --> 00:55:05,302
Sure, I'll play "Heart and Soul." I...
1033
00:55:05,302 --> 00:55:07,304
[audience member vocalizing]
1034
00:55:07,304 --> 00:55:12,685
[audience laughs]
1035
00:55:12,685 --> 00:55:15,271
You know what?
I refuse to be treated this way.
1036
00:55:15,271 --> 00:55:16,188
[audience laughs]
1037
00:55:16,188 --> 00:55:18,691
"It's this..." [vocalizing]
1038
00:55:18,691 --> 00:55:21,193
[audience laughs]
1039
00:55:21,193 --> 00:55:22,945
That feels like such a New York thing.
1040
00:55:22,945 --> 00:55:24,113
Like, I feel like...
1041
00:55:24,113 --> 00:55:25,281
[audience laughs]
1042
00:55:25,281 --> 00:55:27,950
Like at a dance rehearsal
or something.
1043
00:55:27,950 --> 00:55:30,745
Like, the teacher's like,
"You know, two, three, step it up."
1044
00:55:30,745 --> 00:55:32,038
[vocalizing]
1045
00:55:32,038 --> 00:55:34,206
[audience laughs]
1046
00:55:34,206 --> 00:55:39,628
Let's not forget that I don't...
1047
00:55:40,671 --> 00:55:42,214
Again, here's "Heart and Soul."
1048
00:55:42,214 --> 00:55:43,174
[vocalizing]
1049
00:55:43,174 --> 00:55:44,216
Here we go.
1050
00:55:44,216 --> 00:55:48,471
- [playing off-key]
- [audience laughs]
1051
00:55:48,471 --> 00:55:52,892
[cheering and applause]
1052
00:55:57,104 --> 00:56:00,316
[audience laughs]
1053
00:56:01,609 --> 00:56:03,611
That was the Huey Lewis version,
by the way.
1054
00:56:03,611 --> 00:56:07,156
[audience laughs]
1055
00:56:07,156 --> 00:56:08,699
[cheering and applause]
1056
00:56:08,699 --> 00:56:14,789
Okay, so before I do this,
the big finale...
1057
00:56:16,415 --> 00:56:19,043
The incredible Adele.
1058
00:56:19,043 --> 00:56:20,961
[audience cheers]
1059
00:56:20,961 --> 00:56:22,088
Such a talent.
1060
00:56:22,088 --> 00:56:27,635
And I just, it's so important
that you not forget
1061
00:56:27,635 --> 00:56:29,512
that I don't know
how to play the piano.
1062
00:56:29,512 --> 00:56:33,390
[audience laughs]
1063
00:56:33,390 --> 00:56:35,184
And I have a terrible voice.
1064
00:56:35,184 --> 00:56:37,478
[audience laughs]
1065
00:56:37,478 --> 00:56:42,399
And I know people are like,
"I know it's coming, I know it's coming.
1066
00:56:42,399 --> 00:56:47,780
I bet she's a great piano player
and I bet she sings like a bird."
1067
00:56:47,780 --> 00:56:49,573
[audience laughs]
1068
00:56:49,573 --> 00:56:51,575
That is not on the horizon.
1069
00:56:51,575 --> 00:56:53,828
[audience laughs]
1070
00:56:53,828 --> 00:56:54,912
[sighs]
1071
00:56:56,497 --> 00:56:58,499
This is the most crucial thing.
1072
00:56:59,667 --> 00:57:04,338
You cannot forget
for even a millisecond...
1073
00:57:06,465 --> 00:57:10,386
that Adele was at that party.
1074
00:57:10,386 --> 00:57:14,473
[audience laughs]
1075
00:57:18,894 --> 00:57:19,937
[exhales]
1076
00:57:19,937 --> 00:57:23,023
[audience laughs]
1077
00:57:28,028 --> 00:57:29,029
Hit it.
1078
00:57:31,490 --> 00:57:37,496
- [playing off-key]
- [audience laughs]
1079
00:57:37,496 --> 00:57:41,375
[singing off-key]
♪ Hello from the other side ♪
1080
00:57:41,375 --> 00:57:43,502
[cheering and applause]
1081
00:57:43,502 --> 00:57:47,089
[singing off-key]
♪ At least I can say that I've tried ♪
1082
00:57:47,089 --> 00:57:49,592
[audience laughs]
1083
00:57:49,592 --> 00:57:53,012
[singing off-key]
♪ Tell you I'm sorry ♪
1084
00:57:53,012 --> 00:57:55,973
Thank you so much, Brooklyn.
1085
00:57:55,973 --> 00:57:59,393
[cheering and applause]
1086
00:57:59,393 --> 00:58:01,437
Remember, Adele was there.
1087
00:58:01,437 --> 00:58:03,772
[cheering and applause continues]
1088
00:58:03,772 --> 00:58:05,691
And so was Oprah Winfrey.
1089
00:58:05,691 --> 00:58:08,485
[cheering and applause continues]
1090
00:58:08,485 --> 00:58:11,572
[playing off-key]
1091
00:58:11,572 --> 00:58:13,657
[cheering and applause continues]
1092
00:58:13,657 --> 00:58:17,620
People of Brooklyn,
thank you so, so much.
1093
00:58:17,620 --> 00:58:20,247
[cheering and applause continues]
1094
00:58:20,247 --> 00:58:22,458
Thank you so much for coming out.
1095
00:58:22,458 --> 00:58:24,585
[cheering and applause continues]
1096
00:58:24,585 --> 00:58:25,586
Thank you.
1097
00:58:25,586 --> 00:58:26,670
[cheering and applause continues]
1098
00:58:26,670 --> 00:58:28,505
Thank you. What a great audience.
1099
00:58:28,505 --> 00:58:29,590
Thank you so much.
1100
00:58:29,590 --> 00:58:34,720
[cheering and applause continues]
1101
00:58:36,722 --> 00:58:40,226
["Chopsticks" plays on piano]
1102
00:58:40,226 --> 00:58:43,604
[cheering and applause continues]
1103
00:58:43,604 --> 00:58:46,607
["Chopsticks" continues]
1104
00:59:08,712 --> 00:59:14,510
[cheering and applause]
1105
00:59:16,011 --> 00:59:18,639
[cheering and applause continues]