(ominous music)
Downloaded from YTS.MX
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
(ominous music continues)
(gate clinks and squeaks)
(ominous music continues)
(electricity crackling) (ominous music continues)
- [Tim] Ow, ow, ow! Fuck!
(Tim grunts)
(electricity crackling) (ominous music intensifies)
Oh, fuck! God damn it!
Why is that so hot?
(intense music continues)
(Tim exhales deeply)
(suspenseful music)
(suspenseful music continues)
(switch clicks)
(suspenseful music continues)
(switches clicking)
(electricity crackling)
(switch clicks) (electricity buzzing)
(switch clicks)
(machine parts slamming)
(lever clunks)
(electricity crackling)
(lever rattling)
(machine hisses and creaks) (suspenseful music continues)
(machine creaks and rattles)
(light dings)
(Tim chuckles)
- It's okay. Just, uh...
Thanks, I'm just looking for, uh, looking for an affidavit.
You may have noticed in the news,
I am part of a pretty rough divorce, and it is, uh...
It's a real motherfucker, so uh, I am not-
- Going live in 10. - (sighs) Fuck.
We gotta get going, so...
By the way, she's, uh, she's a witch.
I don't know if you believe in witches,
but I think she's got a cauldron and everything.
Welcome, questioners, truth seekers,
and good ol' fashioned angry Americans.
Welcome to "The Rant"!
I'm James Bunratty, and this is "Bunratty's Rants".
Now, I don't need to tell you folks
what's wrong with the broken scientific establishment.
Of course, the people that bought it,
I'm sure they think it's working great,
but it is not for us.
It is not for real Americans.
That's why I think you're gonna love today's guest.
He is an alternative science guy.
He knows how to think outside the paradigm.
He has witnessed the corruption firsthand,
and I think that you are going to be shocked today,
truth seekers, that's right.
Well, anyway, what I'm saying is
what you're going to probably say is pretty shocking
to a lot of people that don't listen to the show.
And to those newbies, I just wanna say,
welcome to "The Rant".
(patriotic music) (crowd cheering)
Let's get right into it.
Dr. Tim Travers, I am fascinated by your work.
Tell us exactly what the Time Travelers Paradox is.
Dr. Travers?
- Oh, (clears throat) right. - Welcome to the show.
- A few corrections there. - Uh, one, I'm not a doctor.
And two, while I'm not mainstream,
I am definitely not an "alternative" scientist.
- The difference being?
- One is for bored housewives with crystals
and closet racists.
(James laughs)
- Oh, we got a show today! - Do we not, out there?
That's right. Yeah, we can have some fun here.
That was a good one.
But my audience knows who the man of truth is.
And who is that?
- Bunratty, Bunratty! - (group cheering)
- James Bunratty.
Now, besides, fast talker,
how would you know the difference?
You just said yourself that you weren't a real doctor.
- I was kicked out of school for behavioral reasons,
but my grades were excellent.
- Yeah. Establishment elites, am I right?
I mean, who decided that they were the purveyors of truth?
- Education?
Peer review? Uh...
Hygiene?
- Okay.
You're arguing that time travel is possible,
which is, even for this show, quite out there.
So, why don't you just, uh, hold your roll, pal?
- Well, I am sitting in a radio station in the year 2026,
so I think that it might be possible.
Is that, is that a reel-to-reel?
- Yes!
That's a reel-to-reel given to me by Carl Sagan's assistant!
I married her too, all right?
Yeah, so I didn't invite you on this show
to insult my audience, or me, or my team.
- No, you invited me because Mothman was busy
and I was bored.
- The Time Travelers Paradox.
Tell us about it.
- Hm.
It's a thought experiment.
How much do you need me to dumb this down?
- Just a little bit.
- Agree to disagree.
First, a scientist makes a time machine.
(ominous music)
That loops back exactly one minute into the past.
- Oh, is that all?
- Then the scientist kills his younger self.
- As he does.
(ominous music continues)
- Oh!
Yeah!
(Tim exhales sharply)
(gun cocks)
(Tim sighs)
(ominous music continues)
(gun fires)
Now you have a man who should not and cannot exist.
Yet, somehow does.
(blood dripping)
(Tim sighs)
That is the paradox.
Paradoxes are impossible.
- Man, you are very smart,
but I would hate to go to dinner with you.
If you're just joining us, we have not-doctor Tim Travers.
And while you're at it,
pick up some of Bunratty's Blast Vitamins.
And while we're there, we have our own version of HGH.
It's not the dangerous kind that Sylvester Stallone uses.
No, it is Bunratty's HGA.
That's right, HGA. We'll be right back.
Great job, man.
(bright electronic music)
(gun fires rapidly) (bullet casings clattering)
- Well, shit.
(dramatic synth music)
(Tim clearing throat)
(Tim blows into recorder)
Um...
Observation one. Uh...
Light, or at least the perception of light,
can only move one way through the machine.
I can see into the past, but can't see into the future.
That makes sense, intuitively. Um...
Observation two.
The fuck!
(Tim chuckles)
I have, um, murdered my younger self,
and, and causality appears to be unaffected,
like, like completely unaffected, which makes no sense.
I refer you to my aforementioned, "The fuck!"
Theory one. Um... (bell chimes)
Time travel has, has not taken place at all.
Instead, I have been
transported to a identical universe.
(bell chimes)
Problematic theory. Um... (chuckles)
Since that the machine might work as a fancy teleporter,
sending me to a, by wild coincidence,
place that just so happens to be indistinguishable
from my own past, seems unlikely.
(stamp thuds)
Hmm.
Theory two. (Bell chimes)
(Tim sighs)
I have time traveled in the conventional sense.
Please excuse my abuse of the word "conventional".
Um... (sighs)
Time is a dimension in its own right.
(bell chimes)
Therefore, causality must be limited by the speed of light,
which prevents the paradox from ever catching up.
(bell chimes)
(Tim chuckles)
How the hell am I even supposed to test that?
(stamp thuds)
(Tim sighs)
Theory three. Um... (bell chimes)
(Tim breathes deeply)
Uh, my presence has spawned a
new universe via my
interaction with it.
(bell chimes)
Now, that's...
That's an interesting one.
If my interaction is the seed, then, then from my frame,
no other traveler could impact my timeline.
But, but, but the traveler could continually
impact other timelines.
Now, that, that's testable!
I just, I just need to have a...
I just, I just need to repeat the experiment!
(gun fires) (blood splatters)
(body thumps) (footsteps clacking)
(Tim chuckles)
- Now we're getting somewhere!
As theorized, my own timeline remains unaffected!
(phone vibrates and chirps) (Tim gasps)
(phone vibrates and chirps) Oh. (Chuckles)
Oh, crap. Forgot about that.
- Now there's a thought. - Now we're getting somewhere!
As theorized, my own timeline remains unaffected!
(gun fires) (Beta Tim groans)
- Sorry.
- What the hell, man?
- It was an impulse.
I was trying to catch myself by surprise.
- That's moronic!
- Don't be a dick.
(gun clicks) (Beta Tim whimpers)
- Right. - Right.
(Beta Tim groans)
Twice!
(Beta Tim pants and moans) (gun clicking)
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
(gun fires)
(Tim sighs)
(phone vibrates and chirps)
(eerie music)
- Right. (Groans)
Eww.
No, no. Date, date!
(moody synth music)
(moody synth music continues)
(electric sign crackling)
(patrons chattering) (lively bar music)
- Hey! Excuse you, fucko!
Yeah, 20 minutes late.
Bet ya five bucks he doesn't even show up.
Nah, ah, ah, ah.
That's mine. That's yours.
- Wow. Are you, uh...
Are you like this all the time?
- Yep.
- Kinda like it. (Chuckles)
- That's real. - Dr. Travers?
- Still not a doctor. - Yeah, whatever.
Listen. You are belittling James a lot.
He doesn't like it. Hell, he hates it.
So, please, on behalf of the entire production staff-
- [James] Well, he's been dead for like 44 years.
- Keep doing it.
- [James] You ever been in a room with Paul McCartney?
- It is delicious.
- Exactly! (Delilah giggles)
"Defamation"? (Sighs) What about free speech?
Well, of course I made it up!
What does that have to do with anything?
- You go, James! We believe in you.
Hm. (Chuckles) I eat this shit up.
- So, you're not into the whole-
- Mm, bored housewives with crystals and closet racists?
Nah, no.
I thought this would be a great post-college gig
while I figured out what to do with my life, but, um,
that was 15 years ago, because time is a cruel bitch.
- [James] Yeah, it's on the Moon!
By the moon, I mean my ass.
- I'm Delilah.
I stopped talking.
- What? - Yeah, a while ago.
I'm sorry, is...
Is my life story boring to you,
or are you just incredibly rude?
- Not mutually exclusive.
- Wow!
- Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
I am distracted, but it's not because you're boring.
You're not, you're not boring.
Um, today was just a weird day.
- How weird was your day?
- Uh, honest answer?
- Yeah.
- Well, today, I activated a time machine
that is powered by nuclear materials
that were stolen from a terrorist organization.
And, uh...
Then I went back in time and killed my younger self
repeatedly, and I have no idea how that's possible.
- I'm sorry. I wasn't listening.
- What? What? - See?
It's rude, and I was listening.
Great bit. (Chuckles)
You're not doing a bit.
(Delilah chuckles)
(Delilah laughs)
Okay. All right.
- Yeah, I've got eyes on him.
Doesn't look like much.
Just a waiting game now.
Oh, yes. Hi.
Uh, I'll have a Shirley Temple, easy on the grenadine.
- Sure. - Thank you very much.
- You know, um...
Seeing you make James suffer was fun,
but this whole mad scientist shtick
it's like, it's like performance art.
I'm just waiting for the cameras to pop out. (Chuckles)
- I avoid cameras.
- Are your friends in on this?
- I don't have friends.
- Oh, gross. Not even as a kid?
(upbeat rock music) (child whimpering)
(door clicks open)
- Timothy Oliphant Travers!
- Are those real? - No, Mom!
I'm just using the electric potato.
- All right.
I do not want a repeat of the Guinea pig incident!
Only shock the potato.
- Yes, Mother.
(child whimpering)
(upbeat rock music continues)
(child screaming) (light bulb buzzing)
- Oh, I'm gonna have to dig another hole.
- Went through a lot of friends, but that's fine.
Learning how to be by yourself is a reward of its own.
- You know, to a point, but,
it's hard to take that armor off.
- Some people don't have the choice, so...
It's also fine, because I don't need other people.
- Hm!
That's a thing that people say,
when they think they're better and smarter.
- I didn't mean it like that, but I am better and smarter.
Look. I don't share other people's values in the abstract.
Take time travel.
A paradox will literally break reality,
and a reality broken can be rewritten.
- Ominous, but yeah, I get it.
You hate that people wanna use it for time tourism.
Oh, kinda like when a lady discovers she has superpowers,
and it's like, "Oh, no, but what, what does this mean
for my job and relationship?"
And I'm like, "Bitch, you've got superpowers!"
Yeah! Like, laser your boss to death!
Throw your loser boyfriend into the sun and, and,
and go conquer the world, like a sane person.
- Exactly. Thank you. - (Delilah chuckles)
- Crush the peasants.
- It's misplaced priorities.
It's like, you know, working on a, on a, on a work project
when someone is actively trying to kill you.
- Right, right, or going on a date,
when you're about to conquer the world.
- (chuckles) Right. - What're you doing?
But what?
- You are absolutely right.
- Did, did I say that? I, I don't think I said that.
I said something about crushing peasants,
but that was more for me.
- I need to get back to the lab.
- What? Right, right now?
- Yeah.
- You may not know this, but a woman driving
halfway across the city in the middle of murderville
is kind of a, it's kind of a leap of faith.
That's not lost on you?
- It is not. - So...
You're, you're, you're joking, right? (Chuckles)
You're trolling me for a goof,
because you're an ass like that.
- I am, but I am not.
- Well, I don't have to be polite anymore
because you're the one who's standing me up.
So, figure out where you are on the spectrum, dick weed,
and then go fuck yourself!
Fuck off.
Bye!
Fuck you, and fuck you, and fuck you!
Fuck you guys, too!
Hey, you, with the French braid! You suck!
Fuck off!
This fuckin' bar is shit!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
- Is she pointing to us? - Fuck you!
- [Patron] Oh, my God.
- (metal clangs) - Ow!
(door slams)
(fingertips tapping)
- (chuckles) I'm not, um...
I've been checked.
Many times.
(patron coughs)
Um...
At worst, it's a, it's a case of mild psychosis.
Which is unrelated. So, you know what?
I don't need the judgment right now.
And also, honestly, it's kinda fucked up that you would
make fun of somebody for being on the spectrum.
Fuck! Just fuck off!
(footsteps clacking)
- But I didn't say anything.
- [Patron] You also forgot to charge them.
- Crap!
(brooding synth music)
(Tim sighs)
(glass clunks)
- Had to know, you know?
(bottle slams)
Maybe there was something there.
(Tim sighs)
(Tim chuckles)
Why am I telling you?
You're just a localized wormhole, not a person.
(Tim sighs)
I know, I know, I know.
Back to work! (Chuckles)
(Tim sighs)
Alone.
(brooding synth music continues)
(Tim sighs)
Boys.
(glass clunks)
First rule of science!
Repeat the experiment.
Verify results.
This is gonna suck.
(gun fires)
- You did say this was gonna suck.
(gun fires)
- Motherfucker!
Come on! (Guns firing)
- Ow!
Why did you... (gun fires)
- Come on, now! (Gun fires)
Oh!
(phone vibrates and chirps)
(Tim chuckling) (gun fires)
- Okay, okay. Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, all right.
(sighs) How about this?
Hypothetically, let's say you make it work.
You break the world, for no point,
but to prove that you can do it.
What then?
Is a time machine that goes back one minute useful?
- That, that is a good question.
- Yeah, well, this is all about questions.
- Not good ones.
Results prove... (dark synth music)
Consistent.
(Tim grunts)
30-plus loops and still no perceivable paradox, so...
(Tim groans)
Fuck.
(Tim sighs)
Hold, hold on.
- Hold on. - Results prove consistent.
30-plus loops and still no perceivable paradox, so...
- (Gamma Tim gasps and yelps) - Yes, hi.
Um, here's where I'm at on this.
We can safely conclude the observer's frame
cannot be impacted.
- You're, you're impacting me right now.
- Don't interrupt.
What we're testing is theory two,
in which case, you didn't exist until about 10 seconds ago,
but now that you do, however,
your frame cannot be impacted again.
- Right.
- So, how do I test that?
- Got it. You kill me.
Um...
- No, no, no, no! Not, not this me. (Chuckles)
- [Past Tim] You, however, your frame cannot be impacted.
- That me.
- How do test that? (Gun cocks)
- I got it. You kill me.
Not, not this me.
(gun fires)
- Jesus! (Body thumps)
- Okay, so that version of me died,
but I didn't, so, that holds.
- I'm sorry, what, what, what holds?
- Oh, he affected my timeline, and I wanted to prove
that he couldn't do it a second time, which of course-
- Supports theory three. I get it.
Don't spoon feed me.
(Tim sighs)
- Does everybody else want a drink?
(upbeat synth music)
Cool, it's cool.
- What the fuck?
- Oh, my head.
Oh!
What's with the, the name tag?
- Trust me, you're all gonna be wanting these soon enough.
All right?
Anyway, we were arguing the merits of theory three.
- Ah, but what if it's theory two, hm?
And it's just the one timeline,
but it's limited by the speed of light.
- Good question.
(pool balls clacking)
- Uh...
I mean, who cares, though? It's, it's...
You can't control for it, so it's pointless.
- We, we can!
We just have to go the other way through!
- What? - What?
- Just stick with me here. Um...
It's been six hours since, since he-
- Mm-mm, mm-mm.
- You started the first loop, right?
So, the paradox, if it's moving at the speed of light,
happened one minute in your past.
(chuckles) If we go the other way, we could see it!
That's our control!
- You get all that? - Yeah pretty straightforward.
- Mm. - Mm-hm.
- Well, doesn't matter,
'cause the machine doesn't work like that.
- It can! It can!
We just have to figure out how to slow the...
Slow the, the...
Look, I need, I need, I need visual aids.
So, let's just grab some of these, and just do it,
do it, ow, the other way, ow!
- All right, the coast is clear. Come on, pick those up.
- Jesus. - I need a drink!
- Yeah, yep, yep. - It's gonna be fine.
- All right.
- What?
You!
- Which me?
Sorry. Hard to explain.
How are you?
What're you doing back here?
- I forgot my scarf.
What are you doing here?
I thought you had to go back to the lab?
- Wasn't that yesterday?
- No! It was two hours ago.
- Two hours? - Yes!
- Wow. I did way too many loops.
- "Loops"? What is that, some kind of drink?
- Yes?
- Really?
- Come buy me one. - Oh, oh, oh, oh.
- [Delilah] You owe me! Come on!
- Hm? Hm? (Water splashing)
- Oh, great! There goes the only sober one.
I'm just too, too, too drunk to math right now.
- I know some assholes who aren't. (Chuckles)
(moody synth music)
- The machine only loops one minute back!
Why did you think that 21 drunks would be an improvement?
- I said I'm ordering coffee!
24-hour coffee delivery.
- [Delivery Guy] Yeah, it's beautiful out here.
- [Eta Tim] God bless capitalism.
- Yeah, it took me about 20 minutes to get out here.
- Bless it, I said!
(Eta Tim sighs)
(Eta Tim whistling jauntily)
(Eta Tim continues whistling)
(ominous music)
Look. (Clears throat)
I don't know who's following me,
but you picked the wrong guy to be doing this...
(gun fires)
(Eta Tim groans)
- That was worth the wait.
I never get to use the shotgun, man. It's like too loud.
But this place?
You're so in the middle of nowhere here, I... (chuckling)
I couldn't resist.
Oh, fuck. Shit.
Hold up, hold up.
Uh, supposed to read you something.
Ah, here we go.
"Mr. Travers, The Kingmaker is a teacher,
and today he is teaching you..."
You listening?
(finger tapping)
Shit!
"The Kingmaker is above such things."
The Kingmaker is a teacher, and today he is teaching
the consequences of stealing from better men.
"Then shoot him." Then...
Then shoot him!
Right!
Crap.
(finger taps) (wind whistles)
Oh, well.
(Helter humming cheerfully)
(Delilah laughs)
- No, no, stop it. No.
But seriously, seriously.
That did sound like a gunshot earlier.
- No, no, no, no. It's just a, a firework.
They're, uh...
Kids, they get in here, and they,
they set 'em off all the time.
- Uh, you're cool with that?
- Yeah! Yeah, I mean, kids need to get hurt.
Like, fewer fingers, stronger moral...
Whatever.
(Delilah laughs)
- Okay, you...
You're actually fun. (Chuckles)
But only when you've been drinking.
(Delilah clears throat)
Announcement!
The do-over date is officially a success!
(Delilah laughs)
- (clears throat) So, so being drunk is a, a plus to you?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
It makes it easier to get what I want, like answers.
Like, why, Mr. Mad Scientist Man? Why?
- Isn't curiosity enough?
- No.
I am curious about crypto,
but I'm curious, because the more I know,
the easier it is to game the suckers.
I am curious about conspiracies
because someone will always pay to believe it.
I'm curious about sensitivity
because humans love to control others
while telling themselves they're the good guys.
Curiosity always has an agenda, for people like me.
Me and you.
So, really.
What is it that you want?
- I want what everyone wants.
To stand alone with God at the end of time
and tell the bastard off.
- Humble.
And I bet ya five bucks God's a she.
- Our world is shit. It's definitely a he.
- Mm. - Okay!
Let's go over this one more time.
- Why?
- Volume!
I thought Eta was bringing coffee.
- The machine works by using entangled particles.
Now, one particle is tied to the entrance door.
That's the door moving forward through time.
The other particle is run through the accelerator,
slowing its frame down to a near standstill in time.
- Who are you explaining this for?
- That particle is tied to the exit-
- We all know this!
- I'm not ashamed to admit this is actually helping.
- But Alpha.
- Mm-mm.
- Alpha?
Alpha, Alpha, Alpha has been on this side of the door,
for longer than one minute.
So, that means that the paradox
has overtaken the time difference!
- We know!
- (football thuds) - Ow!
The fuck!
Fuckin' asshole. (Grunts)
(football thudding)
- Perfect timing.
The problem is that the door only opens backwards in time.
Send something through the exit door,
and it's just a normal door.
But use the entrance door, and...
- [Past Tim] Ow! What the fuck?
- See? I just threw that back in time.
Hit Epsilon on the head and started that particular loop.
- Sorry, but where did the football come from?
- So, we just need to bring both doors
into the same time frame,
allowing us to travel the other way through,
which, in theory, would let us catch up to the paradox!
(group clapping)
- Uh...
Uh, seriously. Where did the, uh, football come from?
- [Delilah] What about the Multiverse?
- [Gamma Tim] Which franchise? (Chuckles)
- [Delilah] God's.
- [Gamma Tim] A Multiverse is, is too convenient, right?
It's not different versions of our lives. It's really-
- I love the Multiverse.
I love all the different versions of me.
- Oh.
Okay.
- It doesn't matter if I fuck up, because they made it.
I like knowing that.
There are some days I...
I need that.
- But if they succeeded, does that make them you?
I mean, maybe...
Maybe failing is what makes you you.
Maybe, maybe failure is your defining trait.
By which, I mean, um...
- Recover.
Recover fast.
- Would you like to see my lab?
- Okay.
But seriously, fuck you.
- So, this is the, uh...
The lab! Um...
Which we have all to ourselves.
Apparently.
- Why wouldn't we?
Oh, right! Your time-looped friends. (Chuckles)
- (clears throat) Okay, okay.
Uh, uh, uh, that's the wall.
That's the, uh, the closet over there.
That's a human hamster wheel.
That's the time machine. Coffeemaker's broken.
And that's basically it, so we should probably,
probably go, right?
- I'm sorry. "Human hamster wheel"?
- That's, that's the piece you were impressed by?
Oh, okay. Um, yeah, I mean, uh...
I was trying a thing, but it didn't really work.
Just too many feces.
- Wow. Wow. (Chuckles)
I never thought I would be into a, um, LARPer.
But (chuckles) your commitment is like...
(Delilah smacks lips)
(Tim chuckles)
- Uh, sorry. What?
- This! The, the toy guns, that prop!
- My time machine is not a prop.
- That. That right there.
The commitment to the fantasy, I am...
Ooh, I am into it.
If I could afford to support a LARP like this,
I don't even know what I would do with it.
I, uh...
(gasps) Ah.
Paid LARP vacations.
No, somebody must be doing that.
If you could classify it as porn,
you could have the staff screw the customers.
- Eww! - Oh, don't be a prude.
- No, no, no, no, no, no. Eww to, to LARPing!
I mean, this? This is real!
This is my, my life's work!
- Okay, drop it already!
Talk like a normal person,
and not someone trying to sound smart!
It's just not healthy!
I bet ya five bucks you just spend
too much time talking to yourself.
(ominous synth music)
Oh, my God.
- Uh, Delilah, this-
- Okay!
Get away from me!
(Delilah screams)
- No, not that way!
(Delilah screams)
(Delilahs screaming)
Probably fine, right?
- If I could afford to support a LARP like this,
I don't even know what I would do with it.
I, uh...
(gasps) Ah.
Paid LARP vacations.
No, somebody must be doing that.
If you could classify it as porn, you...
(footsteps clacking)
(ominous synth music)
(Delilahs screaming)
- (gun fires) - No! Oh!
- Oh, my god.
- Oh, my god!
- [Tim] What the hell was that?
Damn it, did you drop something again?
(Tims chattering)
- [Tims] Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Why would you do that? - (Delilah screaming)
- Holy shit!
- Just, just, just give me the gun.
- [Tim] Give him the gun!
- Stay back! All of you, stay back!
- Just calm down. - Be cool, man!
- Shut up, you freak!
- Let's not be hypocritical here.
(Tims murmuring)
(gun fires) (Delilah screams)
(footsteps clacking)
(door thuds)
- So?
How did the date go?
What?
(phone vibrates and rings)
- Delilah? Delilah, look- - Don't you dare follow me!
- Don't, don't worry, we won't. (Chuckles) Come on.
Like, a bunch of guys chasing a lone woman
around their private compound at night?
It's not exactly a great, a great look. Um...
probably shouldn't have said that.
- No shit!
Listen, I don't have a box to put this in
that will fit in my brain without,
bet ya five bucks, exploding my head.
So, let's just forget this ever happened. (Chuckles)
(gasoline splashing)
- Trust me, it, it happened.
- But reality is subjective, so no.
- Subjective? Tell her that!
- Nope!
Oh, fuck!
Motherfuckin' shit dick slug nug!
(Delilah gasps)
(Delilah screams)
- (fire roars) - Whoa!
- Thanks for the jugs!
Evening.
- Travers?
- (grunts) All right. - (car door slams)
Let's get going. (knocks on car window)
Oh, Jesus Christ.
(car window scraping)
Yes.
- You're Tim Travers.
- We've established that.
(Helter chuckles)
- You're not gonna believe this, but earlier tonight,
I met a guy who looked exactly...
I mean, exactly like you. (Chuckles)
- Just have one of those faces, I guess.
- You do! (Chuckles) - Yeah.
Okay, I'm gonna get going, so, uh,
you have a lovely little evening or whatever.
Jesus Christ! (Gun fires)
(Helter shudders)
(flesh squelches)
- Ah, shit!
Uh, "The Kingmaker is a teacher."
Fuck, I did it again.
Stupid fuckin' note.
- [Tim] I mean, I didn't even know that the gun was loaded.
- So, does anyone else think it's a little weird
that she shot her other self?
I mean, I get that we did that as part of the experiment.
She didn't know that.
I mean, maybe that was just some other woman
that looked a lot like her.
Just a little weird that, uh, murder was her go-to response.
- (sighs) I liked her.
- You saw no red flags there?
- She did mention something about "crushing peasants"?
- Oh!
I see what's going on here.
You thought that she would fix you!
- Fuck you! - Oh, fuck you.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Guys, just, let's just chill, okay?
- Fuck you, too. - Fuck off!
- Fuck you! - Fuck both of you.
- Fuck all of you!
- Fuck that, too! - All right.
- I'm just gonna gonna say it. - Fuck you, motherfucker!
- You all thinking what I'm thinking?
- That's exactly what I'm thinking.
- Tim Travers?
Go fuck yourself.
- Fuck yeah.
- [Sigma Tim] Oh, yeah!
- What's that for? - Mood music.
(mellow music)
- [Lambda Tim] Okay.
Okay, uh...
Hold on. You know what?
Let's turn it up.
- [Delivery Guy] Yeah, it's pick-up from here on, buddy.
- Hey. Hey, how are you?
Um, the uh, orgy's happening.
- Oh, ho, ho, ho! Well, it's about time!
(giggles) Woo!
- Yes.
That'll work.
(Zeta Tim chuckles)
I...
I figured it out.
(chuckles) I did it!
You guys, we...
(muffled mellow music)
Where is everybody?
♪ I met God and it's all a lie ♪
♪ And I don't know why ♪ (muffled Tims moaning)
♪ We never die ♪ (muffled Tims grunting)
- Hold that other leg. (Moans) - Oh, yeah!
(Tims grunting and panting)
Stop licking me. (Tims grunting)
- Who are you?
- They asked me to hold the coffee.
- [Tim] Say my name. Say my name, Tim!
Say my name, Tim! (flesh slapping)
- [Tim] Tim, Tim, Tim.
Say my name.
Say my name, Tim! (flesh slapping)
Tim!
(muffled mellow music) (muffled Tims grunting)
(hamster wheel clacks)
(paper rustles)
(muffled mellow music) (muffled Tims grunting)
(mellow music)
- [Alpha Tim] Delta, no names.
(Tim groans)
- [Tau Tim] Oh, God. I feel so close to you right now.
(Tims moaning)
♪ 'Cause I give myself ♪
(hand slaps)
- [Tim] No, lick there, lick there.
- Okay, but what about the soul?
How does time travel account
for two spirits occupying the same space?
- The same way that it accounts for unicorns and dragons
or other shit that isn't real!
We are just meat!
The meaning of life is to eat, shit,
fuck to create more meat, and repeat, until we die, alone!
In the end... (somber music)
All of us are alone.
(muffled Tims grunting)
- We'll be right back with more Tim Travers
and his super happy outlook on life.
- I'm so confused.
How does someone affiliate the time dilation
of an accelerated particle to a door frame?
- Okay, you're not listening. - I need you to hear me, okay?
This guy is crazy. I think, I think he might be a terrorist.
- Oh, honey.
Weirdo or no, labeling somebody with that term?
- He's white.
- Uh, oh, shit. Yeah, definitely a terrorist then.
What is this guy's name?
- Tim. Tim Travers.
- Who?
Who?
- Tim Travers!
- Who in the fuck... - (gun clicks)
- Oh, my!
- Whoa. - I hate this town.
I hate everyone in it, so, so much!
Bet ya five bucks I've had a weirder day than you.
- You're on.
- [Kappa Tim] You guys have no idea.
(Tims chattering)
- It's gonna hold. - It's too much power.
(Tims chattering)
(ominous music)
It's classic Tim.
(Tims chattering)
- You sluts!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - We do not need the judgment.
Where, where'd you get the coffee?
- Sorry.
(Zeta Tim gulping)
(Zeta Tim exhales loudly)
Last cup.
(Tims sighing)
Delivery guy must've stolen the rest.
I bet you forgot to tip.
(Tim cackling wickedly)
- Fuck you, motherfucker!
- Damn.
- So? (Clears throat)
(distant Tim singing indistinctly)
How was, uh...
It?
- Amazing. - Incredible.
- Best sex ever. - Obviously great!
Uh... (laughs)
- Pretty bland, honestly.
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought we were done jerking each other off.
It was great!
- In all fairness, a great bonding experience.
And, uh, I learned some things about myself, and...
(Tau Tim breathes deeply)
- Tau!
How about you go get us some more coffee?
Go.
Go now.
Now!
- You're just jealous that no one invited you to the orgy.
- [Tims] Ooh!
(tense music)
- Get.
Out.
- "Go get the coffee, Tau. Hold my wrench, Tau.
Lube is for sissies, Tau."
Well, that's why no one invited you to the orgy, asshole!
(Helter clears throat) (suspenseful music)
(Tau Tim sighs)
And you are?
(gun cocks) Whoa. (Chuckles)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, man.
- I don't know how you're doing this, but it won't work.
Decoys? Body doubles?
Magic tricks? I don't fuckin' care.
I will do this all goddamn night, if I have to,
because I am a professional!
(Tau Tim chuckles)
- Okay, I think there has been a big misunderstanding!
- Shut up!
I have a message for you from The Kingmaker.
- Oh, shit. That guy, um-
- "Mr. Travers.
Do not think of this as punishment or revenge.
The Kingmaker is above such things.
The Kingmaker is a teacher,
and today, he is teaching you the consequences
"of stealing from better men."
There.
I said it.
I read the whole damn message.
And now, I just wanna be absolutely sure
that I'm killing the right guy this time.
So, are you Tim Travers?
- No?
- Liar! (Gun fires)
(Tau Tim yelps)
(gun cocks)
(gun fires)
(gun cocks)
(gun fires)
(brooding synth music) (Helter muttering)
(Helter grunts)
(machinery bleeping) (sparks crackling)
(Tims chattering drowned out by machinery)
- (clears throat) Oh.
You're the, uh, the Tim
that wasn't taking anyone's crap earlier, right?
- (chuckles) Yeah.
I mean, come off it, right?
Yeah, it's like we're all putting on this performance,
and for who?
- Our egos. (Laughs)
Anyway, it was, good on you.
- No, you'd have done the same. (Clears throat)
- I didn't, though. Which is weird, right?
I mean, maybe the, uh, experience drift
between individual Tims is, is growing.
- Well, a few hours can change a person.
- Yeah, that's what my doctor...
(wrench clangs) Oh.
- I'll get that.
(Gamma Tim chuckles)
- Here. - Oh, thanks.
(both chuckling)
I'm just... (electricity crackling)
(footsteps clacking)
- Oh, fuck! That's hot.
Which is why it will double the energy output,
and also the radiation.
- Well, what about matter?
- Yeah, I think that matters! - No, no. What about matter?
Every time we create a new Tim,
where is the matter coming from, you know?
- [Lambda Tim] Huh.
We must be pulling it from somewhere else in the Universe.
The equivalent to 20...
No, no, 30... 30?
- [Lambda Tim] Tims.
- [Kappa Tim] Ah, fuck. - That's too many Tims.
- [Lambda Tim] Yeah, I'd say.
- [Reporter] Thank you, Jason McKee,
for that insightful report on postpartum depression for men.
On to national news tonight, at a Mississippi church,
30 parishioners appear to have been raptured.
Details are vague, but experts are dismissing this theory,
instead arguing for wormhole displacement theory.
In spite of the evidence...
- Shut up.
All right, everybody! (Claps hands)
Gather round! Gather round!
All right, make a little semicircle for me.
(Tims coughing)
Close enough. I have some sad news.
Tau Tim has been murdered.
- Oh, no, not Tau. - Who?
- Yeah, very sad.
Anyway, somebody's been picking off the Tims
on the coffee runs, so from here on out,
I am imposing the buddy system.
- Boo!
- Also, this does mean there is no coffee.
- Oh, come on!
- You've gotta be fucking kidding me!
- [Tim] I fucking hate this place!
- [Omicron Tim] (chuckles) - She was into a multiverses?
- [Gamma Tim] Exactly.
And I have this whole theory about why multiverses
are stupid and people like them anyway.
I tried not to say anything, ended up being a dick anyway.
- Well...
What's your theory?
- I mean, obviously you know it already.
- Yeah, but... (sighs)
It'd be nice to hear somebody else say it.
I'm just so tired of hearing my own voice, you know?
- That resonates. (Sighs)
The Multiverse isn't different versions of our lives.
It's actually different sets of laws.
I mean, why should one plus one equal two, right?
I mean, why was there slightly more matter than anti-matter?
It's the same as the entirety of history. It's just the-
- The newest way to put ourselves at the center.
To convince ourselves that we matter.
- Why is not mattering so bad?
I mean, why is it so terrifying to... (sighs)
Not be the most important person?
- It's freeing.
My mistakes are mine and mine alone.
- As are my victories.
- In life.
- In science.
- In love?
(phone vibrates and chirps)
I got it. (Chuckles)
- What is it?
- Something about missing coffee.
I'm honestly still trying to figure out why our phones
are working like this.
- Someone at Verizon is having a meltdown right now.
(both chuckling)
(door motor humming) (ominous music)
(car door clicks open)
(car door slams)
(phone rings) (suspenseful music)
- Oh, shit! (Phone rings)
Yeah, Boss?
- [Kingmaker] You know I do not like to be kept waiting.
- [Helter] Yeah, I know, I know, but it's fine.
- [Kingmaker] Helter?
Helter! (Phone chimes)
Is the bastard dead already?
This guy goes off-grid for a year,
and then the idiot shows up on a podcast.
- I swear, I, I...
I don't understand.
- [Kingmaker] Do I need to bring in Royce?
- Royce?
- [Kingmaker] Royce.
- Royce is here?
- [Kingmaker] Near enough.
So, do your job, and if I don't hear from you in one hour,
I am bringing in Royce.
(phone chimes)
- Fuck! Fuckin' cunt fuck! - (horn honks)
(horn honks) Fucking brother!
Fuck!
- I'd like to point out to the audience,
this is the first pause Tim has taken.
Why are you even here?
I mean, you don't respect any of us.
You've just been ranting at my audience
and me for two hours, torturing us.
Did I do something to you?
Did I beat you up on a playground somewhere when I was-
- No, no, nothing like that.
You just dumbed down the human race a little bit.
- Why is it so important for you
to be smarter than a guy you don't even respect?
I mean, who are you trying to impress here?
What is the point of all this?
- Well, isn't it obvious? (Chuckles)
If something should go wrong when I turn on the machine,
a record would be a pretty good thing to have.
You were the only one who took the interview.
- With full love and respect,
I hope you die a very painful death.
- Aww. (Dark music)
- [Tim] No, no. I still have mine.
- I heard this- - Somebody probably-
- [Tim] No, no. I told you!
- Hey!
Uh, I think that things might be about to get weird,
or weird, weirder.
(Omicron Tim laughs) Um...
I don't know, I thought maybe it'd be a good idea
to have a way to, you know, recognize each other.
- Why would we need a way to, uh, recognize each other?
- Um...
Well, because I, uh, uh...
- (chuckles) It's cool, it's cool, it's cool.
(clears throat) That's, uh...
I care about, I care, I care about that, too.
- I...
It's the, uh, only sticker I could find.
(distant Tims arguing)
- I love it.
(Gamma Tim chuckling)
- Blah. (Chuckles)
(ominous music)
(machinery buzzing) (Tims chattering)
- Breathe, baby.
We're almost home.
Power core stable?
If not, we're gonna die!
Good enough.
- Is the second particle moving?
- Yeah, yeah. Full speed in a few seconds.
(electricity crackling) (Lambda Tim sniffing)
- [Lambda Tim] Hey, hey, do you smell something burning?
Eh, it's probably my imagination.
(electrical energy pulsating)
- Iota, I've got this. You go see the paradox. (Chuckles)
- (chuckles) I owe you one.
(ominous music continues)
(Iota Tim panting)
- (gun thuds) - Jesus fucking Christ!
(Iota Tim groans) (gun cocks)
What the hell?
(Iota Tim groans)
Okay. Let's be cool, man.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, please. - You said that already!
- When? - When I killed you!
Motherfucker.
And then I killed you at the coffee stand.
And then I was in the restaurant with that lady-
- Fucking Delilah. - And I killed you again.
- Oh, so, so you're the guy?
- I'm the guy.
And you...
What are you?
Are you
a god?
- Well, metaphorically, everyone's a God,
from their own perspective, so-
- Literally! Are you a god?
- No, no! No, not a god.
Not a god. Not yet!
(electricity crackling)
- Behind that door lies our future!
- Or present, technically.
- What? Whatever!
The paradox is within our ability to understand.
To control.
Now, at long last-
- Oh, my God! Get on with it already!
- I was, you dingus! - (metal clanging)
Now, at long last...
Let's go unmake history.
(suspenseful music)
(button thumps) (electricity crackling)
(explosions thumping)
- Oh, shit.
(explosions roaring) (Tims screaming)
- [Tim] Oh, shit!
(explosions thumping)
- Fuck, fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
(explosions thumping)
(Tims yelling) (explosions roaring)
(body thumps)
- [Tim] Oh, shit! It's gonna go insane!
(Tims yelling)
(siren blares)
- Oh, my...
(Tim and Helter grunting)
(guns clanging) (Tim groans)
(gun fires)
- Oh, wow!
(Tims grunting)
- Don't worry! I'll help you!
(flames roaring)
(Tim screaming)
(Tims yelling)
(Tim and Helter grunting)
- (Helter grunts) - Come on!
(gun cocks) (Helter pants)
(Helter grunts)
- Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait!
(gun fires)
(Helter pants)
(explosion roars) (ominous music continues)
(explosion roars) (glass shatters)
(wind whistles)
(embers sizzling)
(hamster wheel scraping)
(electricity crackling)
(Delta Tim screaming)
- [Delta Tim] I'm still on fire! (Screams)
Put me out, put me out, put me out! (Screams)
(Gamma Tim panting)
(distant light bulbs buzzing)
(somber music)
- I, I, uh...
Help?
(somber music continues)
That did
not go
great.
- Just take it, take it easy, okay?
That's, um...
That's gonna be bitch a to patch up. (Chuckles)
But you're gonna be all right. You're gonna be all right.
I just need...
We just need to think.
I just, I just need to think. Um...
I, I, I don't, I don't know...
I'm sorry.
(somber music continues)
- It's okay.
It's okay.
Just hang out with me for a minute.
Please.
- Okay. (Sniffles)
Okay.
Just one minute. That's all you get.
(Omicron Tim chuckling and gagging)
- I wish there was a Multiverse.
So that I could be the,
the version of me that was brave enough to,
to tell you that...
(somber music continues)
- [Delta Tim] (screaming) - I'm still on fire!
(fire extinguisher hissing)
(somber music continues)
- Thank you. (Sighs) - You're welcome.
(Tims chattering)
(phone rings)
(Helter grunts) (phone rings)
- Helter? - King!
He made a sky beam.
A Marvel fucking sky beam!
Send in Royce!
- [Kingmaker] He's already on his way. (Chuckles)
- [Omega Tim] (sighs) - Power's down. Reactor's down.
Four Tims are dead. The accelerator's still working.
But, uh, Iota is still missing.
It's a three-ring shit-show.
Fuck me.
- [Delta Tim] Um...
Why can we still see through it?
- 'Cause in the future, we get it working again
and send the energy backwards, just like the matter.
(Tim chuckles)
This has only been a minor setback.
- Enough! - Huh?
- [Omega Tim] What?
- I said, enough!
I am done. I am, I am out!
Everything has gotten too, too confusing and too,
too painful, too...
Too sad.
That's it.
I'm, I'm, I'm out.
- You can't leave. You are Tim Travers!
- Well, at least I'm not you!
- We are all you!
Separated by a few hours.
(Gamma Tim chuckles)
- Sometimes, a few hours can change a person.
(brooding synth music)
(machine humming and crackling)
(brooding synth music continues)
- [Zeta Tim] Delta!
Got your coffee, Delta.
(coffee splashes) (Delta Tim yelps)
Keep up with the good work, bud.
(Tim groaning)
And it's the left clamp.
(door clunks) (Tim groaning)
May I have the wrench from you? The wrench.
- The wrench! - Ow!
- And up! - Woo!
(brooding synth music continues)
- I'm where you said to meet.
He's supposed to be the frickin' expert, man!
(ominous music)
Whoa!
(ominous music continues)
(goon chuckles)
- Kingmaker?
Yo, King!
Yeah, yeah. I know, I know. (Chuckles)
Disrespectful, incompetent.
Yada, yada, yada, I know.
- He's talking about Travers, right?
(goons chuckling)
- Hey, it's no problem.
Yeah, I tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna cut his dick off, and feed it to him.
I'll send you pics when I'm done, all right? (Chuckles)
- There's more than one of him, or he might be immortal.
- He might be a god, man! - Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Hey, hey.
Relax.
A few kills under your belt,
and you think it's gonna be smooth sailin'.
Then...
The guilt sets in.
Can't shoot guilt!
So, you start seein' things that aren't there.
Burnout is real.
Right, fellas?
- I swear to you, I am not crazy.
- Don't worry about it, okay? We believe you.
(goons chuckling)
In fact, you know what I'll let you do?
I'll even let you watch. Would you like that?
- I would like that very much, please. Thank you.
(ominous music) (goons chuckling)
- Let's try this again.
(lever clunks)
(electricity crackling) (ominous music)
- [Tim] Very impressive!
(Tim grunting)
(Tims chattering) (ominous music continues)
- Need more power!
Ready transition to the grid!
- Oh, fuck you, man!
- Faster!
(Delta Tim screaming)
(Delta Tim groaning)
(Delta Tim panting)
(people screaming)
- (sighs) Idiots.
- For the last time, Carol. - I'm not going to harm myself!
It was a different Delilah!
(sighs) Who I killed.
(eerie music)
(Delilah sighs)
Fuck Tim Travers.
(muffled chatter from phone)
No, I don't mean sexually!
(brooding synth music)
- As I said.
Behind that door lies our future!
It's like Mom always used to say.
"You're not a great person, Tim.
Hell, you're not even a very good person.
But what you are is a great scientist!"
No matter how strange or bizarre,
we, we follow the evidence.
Mortal laws no longer apply to us, and in a few seconds,
even the laws of nature won't apply anymore!
And I know that you know I know that
because you know I know that you know!
(Zeta Tim chuckles)
Come along.
Let's go unmake history.
(brooding synth music continues)
(Beta Tim sighs)
Holy shit! Oh, oh!
Fuck!
No, hey!
Holy fuck. We blew up the universe.
- We can't have destroyed it! - Then where is it?
- Gone! - That is impossible.
- [Zeta Tim] Help me!
- What the fuck about this day has led you to believe
that anything could be impossible?
- [Omega Tim] If the universe were gone,
then its laws should be gone, too.
- Why are you talking about this right now?
- Gravity is still in play.
Where is that coming from, if there's no more universe?
- Hey, he's right!
- What ar you? Okay, he's right!
Pull me up! What the fuck?
- Who cares where it's coming from if there's no more Earth?
- I do!
- (foot stomps) - You bastard!
- You just killed Zeta Tim.
- Well, yeah, but I mean, he was creeping everybody out.
Right?
(footsteps clomping)
- [Tim] Bad, bad. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.
(Tims yelling)
- That's, that's it? That's the paradox?
Just an unending black room?
- Maybe.
(lighter flicks)
But I think not.
Now, stay with me on this.
Imagine the, uh, two conflicting timelines
are more like differently charged particles.
- But why would they do that?
- I said, "Stay with me."
Now, the paradox brings the two
differently charged timelines together,
destroying both and removing the conflicting information.
- The only place that information
can be destroyed is a singularity.
- Exactly!
Black holes reduce information to max entropy,
which means that the natural response in nature
to a paradox is a black hole.
- So, we didn't destroy the universe!
We just created a black hole in that timeline that
destroyed the Earth and, and killed everyone that we know.
- Oh, boy.
- Hold on, hold on.
If we created a black hole in that timeline,
then how come Zeta Tim, when we dropped him in,
could still breathe?
- Fuck off! I don't know everything, Sigma!
I mean, this week, I entangled and stored particles
matched them to the physical space of a door,
invented fucking time travel,
and may have just found a new way to create black holes!
So, cut me some fucking slack!
- (sighs) I mean, maybe, if you were able to cheat your way
past the spaghettification of an, of an event horizon,
then you would be moving faster than the speed of light
and frozen in time, relative to the universe.
But you would continue to perceive the passage of time
as an illusion and just stay in that state forever, maybe!
- So, Zeta Tim will be falling through the void,
without aging or dying, literally forever?
- Well, shit. Now I feel bad.
- An important safety tip.
Nobody ever go the, the other way through.
(door motor whirring)
- Makes sense to me! (Chuckling)
See, kid?
Not magic.
Just power.
- Sorry, but who the hell are...
(Tims yelping)
- Oh!
- Yeah!
Nice work. (Chuckles)
Arthritis sets in, you gotta start delegating,
you know, as you get older.
- If I may, uh...
Is this all about the stolen plutonium?
- Yeah. It's about the plutonium.
How the hell do you forget about plutonium?
- Oh, that I stole.
- It's been a weird day. - Weird, confusing.
Really, really stupid.
Although, it's about to get stupider!
(energy rumbling)
- [Light Figure] Arrogant mortals!
You're tampering with the very programming
of reality itself!
- Holo-Universe. Fuckin' called it.
- Shut the fuck up! - Who the fuck are you?
- Good question.
- [Light Figure] Who the fuck do you think I am?
I'm God, you miserable little shits!
- Now, that's it. I'm done.
If God actually exists, then I'm out.
Later, everybody.
(Alpha Tim whistling)
- Hey! Did you just let that guy leave?
- I don't understand what's happening right now!
- Me neither. Uh...
When you say God, do you mean like, like a god or God, God?
You know? I just, I have some follow-up questions.
To the statement, "I am God." (chuckles)
- And I think you're full of shit! (Chuckles)
(flesh squelches)
(suspenseful music)
- Just to be clear...
He did not speak for the group.
(Helter yelps)
- You idiot!
(gun fires)
(warm ethereal music)
Hey! I dunno what's gonna happen now!
- What are you?
- Thought I told you.
I'm the Alpha and Omega that's about to own your bitch ass.
(flesh squelches)
- Oh, you son of a fuck...
- Yeah! - Woo!
- [God Tim] Shut up!
Forgot how annoying I am.
- Sorry. Um...
"I"?
(flesh squelches)
(warm ethereal music continues)
- Do you know what it's like to fall forever?
Unable to starve, unable to die.
You go mad!
You begin to create new realities in your mind,
so as to not be so completely alone.
You refine and perfect each iteration,
until you can run a simulation so flawless
that from the frame of the beings within,
the difference between their reality
and a physical one is semantics.
And you do it over and over,
until a perfect recreation
of your original reality can be constructed.
That
is how you achieve God-hood, bitches.
- So, the universe is just a simulated reality in your head?
- Yes.
- Based on the reality that you originated from?
- Yes!
- A reality in which you were the Zeta Tim that we...
Sorry. He dropped into a black hole?
- Yes.
- Dude!
- I created this universe for the sole purpose
of arriving at this very moment.
- To tell us that you love and forgive us?
(God Tim chuckles)
- No.
(Omega Tim pops)
(Pi Tim pops)
(Chi Tim pops)
- (groans) Fuckin' why?
(Epsilon Tim pops)
- Come on.
(Rho Tim pops)
- [James] It starts with the cause. We will stop-
- Weren't you just-
- Yeah. I just got one of those faces.
I know.
You would not believe the weird shit I have seen today.
(Tim chuckles)
- [James] Illegal Canadians coming down-
- You buy me this drink, and I'll blow your mind.
- [James] As you know, they can't buy homes-
- Listen, I... (Alpha Tim creaking)
(Alpha Tim pops) (flesh splatters)
- [James] Live the American dream, but no, they are poor.
And, uh, you know, my heart goes out to 'em and my heart-
- Oh, man, that felt good!
Oh, yes.
Yes, yes, yes. Fuck yeah, fuck yeah!
Fuck yeah! (Laughs)
Oh!
Ah. (Sighs)
(chuckles) Of course, now I wonder...
(gun fires)
(body thumps)
- Hm.
Hm.
Yes, apparently it is possible to kill God.
Hm.
(electronic tones chirping)
(New God Tim sighs)
Still feel like I'm forgetting something.
(bartender screams)
- [James] They're always screaming at me.
I can't understand 'em. He's gotta do something about it.
- Can, can I get another one? Um...
(bartender screams)
Okay, look.
(muffled chatter from radio)
- (grunts) Travers. Travers!
- [Gamma Tim] Me?
- How could I forget something?
Omnipotence knows no exceptions!
Unless I didn't create this universe.
I...
I just hacked it.
Which would mean that...
I'm limited.
Just another meek little...
No, no, no!
Well, maybe.
Not for long.
(ominous synth music)
(machine rattling)
♪ I'm not gone ♪
- Do these look even? - (bartender screams)
Oh!
Oh, that is really getting old.
(Gamma Tim groans)
(Royce chuckling)
So, um, about what we were talking about earlier.
- Hey, thank you. (Chuckles)
- Okay, um... (clears throat)
So, so you and that Helter guy
were coming here to kill me because-
- Stolen reactor.
- Stolen reactor, right. (Sighs)
I knew that radio show was a mistake.
But, but just so I'm clear,
you're not gonna kill me now?
- No.
You wanna know the secret to a long life?
Know your limitations.
The other you killed my men with his mind!
Look. I'm outta here.
I'm gonna go home, call my grandkids,
and tell 'em I love 'em.
- Wow! You...
You, you're married?
With, with kids and grandkids? That's amazing.
- The fuck's that supposed to mean?
- Didn't mean to offend, I... - (Royce growls)
It's just that you're literally a professional murderer.
I mean, does your wife know about that?
- She thinks it's hot. (Chuckles)
And it is.
- Well...
Good for you, and her.
- Mm. (Tim sighs)
- Some people are just meant for love.
- Some aren't. - Ah, bullshit.
Abusers, rapists, drug dealers, murderers, politicians,
pricks on YouTubes, worst people imaginable,
most still find someone to love 'em
in spite of being worthless fuckin' garbage!
And that includes you.
Now, your problem is that you don't know
how to love yourself, and nobody can help you with that,
but you.
Ah!
- I loved myself, today.
- Look, I don't know what the fuck that means,
but I'll tell you, you wanna learn to love yourself,
you've gotta find the angriest, ugliest part of you
and show that son of a bitch they're beautiful.
(Tim chuckles)
- You must have to do that a lot.
- Screw you.
I'm beautiful.
You don't believe me, just ask my grandkids.
(both chuckling)
Where you goin'?
- Following your advice.
It's time to meet my maker.
- Hey, you try to talk to that guy and you're gonna die!
(brooding synth music)
- Wouldn't be the first time. (Chuckles)
(bartender screams) Oh!
Come on! Get over it!
(Tim groans)
That's why I don't tip!
(brooding synth music continues)
What the hell is that?
(ominous music)
- Looks like a buildup of stacked singularities,
if you ask me.
- That's...
Yeah.
(buildings crumbling) Holy shit!
(buildings crumbling)
- And I think we know, say it out loud together,
who's starting these fires.
Illegal Canadians.
That's right, Illegal Canadians coming down from Canada
building themselves these fires,
because as you know, they can't buy a home.
(Royce speaks Spanish)
Look, go grab your mom, tell her you love her.
(Royce speaks Spanish)
- Oh, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.
Come on. Pick up, pick up!
(phone vibrates) (lighter flicks)
(phone vibrates)
- [Delilah] Hello?
- Hey, uh, Delilah? Yeah, it's, it's Tim.
The, uh, the, the time travel guy?
I, uh, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
- Oh, this oughta be rich.
- I just wanted you to know that
we're clearly not going to be a thing, um...
- You seriously called to tell me that?
- And! And to apologize.
I know I saw a lot of ugly versions of myself today,
and I'm pretty sure you did, too!
So, I'm sorry things got so out of control,
and I'm sorry that I failed.
It's just something that I do.
- I don't know why I do it. - Honestly, Tim, it's fine.
I mean, it was fucked up,
but there's a middle ground between hate and love and...
That's us. The middle people.
- Thanks. I'm gonna try and put all this back together.
- I thought you said you weren't gonna try
to make us a thing?
- [Gamma Tim] No, no, no. I meant the universe! (Chuckles)
- What about it?
- Well, what do you mean, "What about it?"
Have you looked out your wi...
- Goodbye, Tim, and maybe try to be nicer to yourself.
Literally.
- Believe it or not, that is actually the idea.
(ominous music)
- [Delilah] Fuck.
- I love you, baby. - (speaks foreign language)
(thunder claps)
- So, that's how Bigfoot does it.
(glass shatters)
(dog barks)
- I choose not to believe in that.
(ominous music continues)
(suspenseful music)
(suspenseful music continues)
- I remember you.
You're the one that said a few hours can change a person.
(God Tim chuckles)
Well, you have no idea how right you were.
Do you know what it's like to fall forever?
- Skip.
I know the universe is a creation in your head,
Russian nesting doll style, and that you're God.
Royce filled me in.
I figured out on the way over
that you couldn't actually be God
and must've just hacked the system.
(sighs) And judging by the unraveling,
I'm guessing you figured that out, too,
and you're not taking it very well.
- I'm unmaking this universe one paradox at a time,
mounting like gravity into a singular point
that will break the whole of creation.
- As one does.
- I even murdered the younger versions of us,
just to get warmed up.
- How did that go?
- Yeah.
Well, there was a lot of crying, but you know.
Children.
(Gamma Tim scoffs)
- Damn. Damn, dude, that, that is dark.
That...
I mean, I mean that is, that is fucked up.
Like, even for us.
- Well, tell that to Potato!
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
You know what? You're right!
You're right, and now that I'm, I'm thinking about it,
maybe the reason that we are so alone
is because we are all so fucking awful!
- That's us.
- (sighs) No.
No, no, no, no, no, no. That, that's me.
You are something else, entirely.
Like, I don't know what eternity did to you,
but whatever it is, it's ugly.
It's childish!
I may be the worst person in the world, but you,
you scared, small, whimpering glitch in the system,
you are the worst version of the worst guy
of all fucking time!
- Second to none, baby. (Chuckles)
- So that's it. That's it?
You're just gonna burn it all down
until there's nothing left but a little whining child
having a temper tantrum because he's lonely?
- Burn, baby, burn!
- Is that really what you want?
(God Tim roars) (building crumbling)
(explosions roaring)
(brooding ethereal music)
(brooding ethereal music continues)
(Zeta Tim sobs)
- Are you okay?
- Yeah. (Sniffles) Yeah, um...
(sighs) Sorry. That was literally building forever.
(Zeta Tim chuckles)
They left me in a black hole.
They left me alone, literally forever.
- Yeah, that wasn't cool. (Sighs)
Not that it matters, but I wasn't a part of that, so...
- Guess that makes you the best of us.
- Grading on a curve.
What is that?
- Oh, that's the...
That's the center.
The universe never used to have a center,
but, but now that it's broken,
that's the center of what's left.
Please?
Let's find out together?
- Why not?
(Zeta Tim chuckles)
(dramatic synth music)
(dramatic synth music continues)
(gentle ethereal music)
- And you are?
- [Simulator] I am that I am.
I am that which decided that one plus one would equal two,
that structured the graviton.
I am the simulator of your universe.
- And a dude. Delilah owes us five bucks.
- "Dude" is an oversimplification.
My full aspect simply
exceeds your comprehension.
- Try me. - All right.
- What can I do for you? - Is there a meaning of life?
- Yes. - Seriously?
- Yes!
But it has nothing to do with humans.
The purpose of life is, uh, um, how do I phrase this,
to maximize a specific numerical output via this simulation.
I realize that must be totally wasted on you.
- Not really. It's like a high score.
- Perfect analogy.
The meaning of existence is for me to achieve a high score.
Humanity is a randomly generated background element.
- So, the creator of all things
didn't even have a hand in us?
- But that had to be obvious.
You're not even near the good part of your own galaxy!
You'd have to be insane to observe this
and to think that you somehow had relevance.
- We broke your simulation.
- Unfortunately.
- Then, ipso facto, Tim Travers is the most important person
in the entire universe, ever.
Hell yeah! (Hands slap)
- I hope that high five was worth it.
And now, I have to reset this universe.
- What gives you that authority?
- How are you not following this? I am literally God.
- But what, what does that mean, exactly?
Like, do you exist as a part of this world?
Or are you the, the sentience of all matter?
Or do you exist in a world apart from this?
- I exist beyond your comprehension.
- Right, right. Got it.
Another world that ours is nested in,
is beyond our comprehension, except that it's not.
So, in that place, what are you?
- I am the Alpha and Omega.
- That is not what I asked, God!
To others like you, what are you?
- (sighs) You could call me a storyteller.
- What does that mean?
- I create a story and share it with others of my kind,
for spiritual growth.
And compensation.
- Like, like a novelist?
- In only the most reductive terms.
- But you have a publisher.
- It's complicated. Uh...
Self-publishing.
- Oh! (Snickers)
He isn't even published!
- So, so, so you're a, uh, unpublished novelist
who is simulating a, uh...
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
A simulation is a game.
But that's, that's what you meant by high score?
I mean, that's not an analogy!
That's just you trying to hit the high score
in a management game!
- You exist because I say so!
- You didn't even make it, did you?
A, a better, more talented God did.
Then you bought it and plugged in a bunch of variables
to see what would happen and... (chuckles)
And we are a retail product for a bored, failed writer!
- Self-publishing is a respected step
in the literary process.
It is not my fault that you don't understand the industry!
And you need to show me some respect, since I can end time.
- "Oh, and I'm Time God!"
Your threat is meaningless. There are no stakes here!
Just like everything else, this isn't about you.
- Why are you so...
Mean?
(Zeta Tim scoffs)
- Well, when you die, you can ask your creator
for an explanation.
- So, uh, we're gonna remake the universe, right?
- (sighs) It'll be different.
No more people.
Just physics, math.
Pure, sweet silence.
- You can't be serious!
- Do you even need me here?
- No! - No!
What's your novel even about, anyway?
- Oh, um, it's about a rich boy
who finds himself on the mean streets.
And by "finds himself", I mean finds himself.
- Stop, stop. Awful, no.
- And I, I don't mean just like stop talking.
I mean, stop writing.
Go back to what I assume was a perfectly good IT job,
and be thankful that you have it.
- Enough!
This universe is over!
And when I create my next universe,
it'll be so much neater than this one.
(Simulator gasps)
And mostly because...
No Tim Travers.
No whiny little mother...
(electronic tones chirping)
(Gamma Tim chuckles)
- Wait. What happened?
- Oh, I booted him out of the game. (Chuckles)
(sighs) Don't worry, though.
Guys like him can't code for shit.
- So, about that whole new universe.
- A universe of me and only me.
- What about everyone else? - What about them?
Please, name one person that you met today
that wasn't just completely awful.
- But then we won't have a chance to know if we're wrong!
Rapists, abusers, murderers, politicians, YouTubers.
They're the worst people ever!
Most of them will still find love, in spite of themselves.
And I know for a fact that we can, too.
- How do you know?
- Because I did.
It wasn't long, but it ended...
It ended badly.
But for a second there, I knew what it felt like.
- What did it feel like?
(warm ethereal music)
- Felt like...
Coming up for air.
If you've been holding your breath forever.
- How?
I mean, while none of us were paying attention,
you just somehow stumbled into a romantic subplot?
- A few hours can change a person.
(sticker tears)
- I wanna believe that...
No. No, no, no.
All this proves is that we are different people now.
You found it. I, I didn't.
I...
I won't.
Some people...
Some people are better alone.
Deserve to be alone.
People like me.
People who...
(somber music)
- I love you, Tim Travers.
And I don't want you to be alone.
But that's up to you, buddy.
(suspenseful music)
- What the fuck was that?
I...
Oh.
(sighs) Right.
This again.
(Zeta Tim exhales deeply)
(chuckles) I guess it doesn't have to be.
Hm.
(Zeta Tim chuckles) (sticker tears)
Ah, what the fuck. Why not?
(sighs) Just...
Just take one point of infinite energy.
Ah, yes.
And then add will.
Time.
And that should make...
Should get
one
big
ba...
Really?
(explosion roars) (wondrous electronic music)
(wondrous electronic music continues)
(electricity crackling)
- My god, what am I doing?
What am I doing?
Come on! (Grunts)
Ow!
Ah!
Ooh!
Oh, what was I thinking?
Oh, my god.
I can't believe I almost did that.
I've got a date tonight! (Chuckles)
(sighs) Tim, what were you thinking?
Oh!
Hoo!
(Tim sighs)
(Tim chuckles)
(Tim sighs)
But on the other hand...
(football thuds) (Tim groans)
- Dumb ass! - Fuck!
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music continues)
♪ My face again ♪
♪ Will this paradox ever end ♪
♪ Have I finally lost my mind ♪
♪ Am I broken by design ♪
♪ If I could love myself ♪
♪ If I could forgive myself ♪
♪ If I could love myself ♪
♪ I'd make sweet love to myself ♪
♪ Traveling through space and time ♪
♪ Into the void, searching for a sign ♪
♪ I met God, and it's all a lie ♪
♪ And I don't know why ♪
♪ We never die ♪
♪ If I could love myself ♪
♪ If I could forgive myself ♪
♪ Forgive myself ♪