Downloaded from YTS.MX
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
HOST: Ladies, gentlemen, non binary people,
and anyone in between,
you've seen her on E!,
VH1,
World of weird,
and at random public park fountains talking to pigeons.
- Let's bring to the stage, the one... -
the only, the queen of all the freaks,
Miss Tuesday Thomas!
All right, all right.
All right. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm late.
I got here just as quickly as I felt like it, okay?
Oh, my God.
So how are you all doing?
Good, good, because my life is fucking hell!
And I can't take your shit on, too.
I can't do it.
I won't do it.
I've been sober for five years.
That's a fucking lie.
I haven't had sex in that long.
It's just nobody claps for that.
I got, I got a little too thick for my liking during COVID.
Anybody else?
You know, just trying to lose a little weight?
Get a little COVID 15 off?
I've been doing it.
I think I've done pretty well.
You see? I think I'm doing all right. Thanks.
You know, I mean, everybody likes themselves in a different way.
I just, you know, like myself this way.
But it's weird. It's like... then there's this little spot right here.
Bop!
It's right here.
Bop!
See it?
I don't know what the fuck that is. What is that?
How does that...
I don't... It just won't go away.
I don't... I try to exercise it.
I'm like... That doesn't do shit.
Doing the deep knee bends standing up, that doesn't do anything.
I start slapping it, but I'm too...
Too old. I don't even feel that.
I don't know what.
I don't know what the... bop!
I've had... I'm 58-years-old, and I've had this pussy for 40 years,
and I don't know what... This fucker is doing math.
Okay. He's kicked his shoes off because he can't count right.
He's like, "58 minus 40,
"carry the one. Oh my God, I hope she doesn't make me show my work. Oh."
Don't worry, honey. I'm showing my work.
You don't have to show yours. Okay?
Thank you.
Um, but, you know, here's the thing.
58-years-old, and this is only 40.
These are only three years old, so stop staring at em', you fucking pedophile.
Okay?
The show is down here. okay?
Freak.
I don't know what's going on.
I've had a lot of plastic surgery, as you can tell.
Since I speak of a lot, I've had a lot.
I don't care. I know my issues.
I think part of life is owning your issues and looking your demons in the face,
and dealing with it.
Okay? I know...
Thank you. I know what I look like.
I know what I got going on here.
I look like a Where's Waldo and Joan Rivers had a hate fuck
at the gathering of the Juggalos, okay? -
And then let Ted Bundy raise that child.
I know my issues.
What I'm saying is, is if you ordered Jennifer Coolidge off of Wish...
This is what would fucking come, okay?
This right here.
Okay? And it would take me a year to come as well.
He's ordered from Wish before.
So you know that that shit takes forever.
Takes forever.
I was on that show Botched.
You know that Botched?
Here's the thing, um...
I was married, right?
And it was a very bad marriage. It was horrible.
And then I got divorced. It was a horrible fucking divorce.
And when it was all said and done, I learned shit about him
I did not know.
I found out things, like, he did lots of drugs.
Didn't know it. Cheated on me left and right.
Didn't know it.
He was into S&M.
Didn't know it.
I mean, looking back, I wish I had known when we were married, he was into S&M.
Not because I am into S&M, but in retro... retrospective,
it would've been nice to beat the fuck out of him once in a while.
Fucker.
So I... here's the thing.
I wanted to feel good about myself afterwards.
I wanted to feel more youthful.
I wanted to feel rejuvenated.
I wanted to feel relaxed.
I wanted a vacation.
But I also wanted to, like I said, feel rejuvenated.
So... If you want something, something bad happens to you
and you want to feel rejuvenated,
by all means, go have a little plastic surgery.
Okay? If you want to look surprised all the time, because that's what you think
that's how the young kids look, fucking do it.
You want to go on vacation after some shit happens, go on vacation.
Just trust me,
and don't combine the two and go down to Mexico.
That's where I fucked up.
I came back and people were walking up to me, going, "Hey, girl, how was...
"oh, tramp!"
"Oh. fuck. Oh, my God.
"Oh, I can't.
"I love you and I want to know, but I don't, literally, can't. Just email me, please."
So I ended up spending
thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars,
had, like, eight or nine surgeries.
And I'm happy I ended up like this.
I'm happy-ish. I've got other issues, but this is not one of them now.
I'm okay.
I mean, no longer do little children walk up to me and go...
No, what happens now is people walk up to me and they go,
"Oh, my God, you look like that famous person.
"That famous person. What's their name? What's their name?"
I'm like, "Barbara Eden from I Dream of Jeannie?"
"No, that famous person, that famous person.
"What's her name?" I'm like...
"Stiffler's mom? Jennifer Coolidge?"
"No! That famous person.
"That famous person. What's their name?"
"Gary Busey."
Oh!
Don't say, "Oh." I live in L.A.
That's a credit on a resume and a job like that.
Y'all should know it's not what you got.
It's what you do with it.
Good Lord. People stop me on the street all the time.
And they're like, "Are you a man or a woman?"
I look at them and say, "Yes."
I am. I am.
I always wanted to be on TV growing up.
Here's the thing, I think most of us have.
It's L. A. That's... we're in the industry.
I think I've always wanted to be on TV, but I didn't know it was going to be Botched.
I really didn't.
I thought it'd be something more like, I don't know,
the Real Housewives of the Oakwood Trailer Court.
American "Ho" Story.
The Deadliest Snatch.
At this point, I would settle for House hunters: Meth lab edition, okay?
Anything but Botched.
I just can't. Anything but Botched.
I think the hardest part
about having plastic surgery
is people who want to compare stories with you.
Right? Okay, for instance, I was in the store the other day,
and this woman walked up to me and she's like,
"Oh, my God!
"You've had some work done, haven't you?
"Me, too. What a coincidence!
"Oh, my God, I've had my eyebrows lifted 22 times.
"My lower lids done 18 times.
"I've had rhinoplasty. That's a nose job
"if you didn't know, I've had 14 of those.
"I've had eight cheek implants, nine chin... chin implants,
"37 injections to my upper lip, 42 to my lower lip.
"26 breast jobs and 320 ribs removed. Next week,
"I'm gonna go have my asshole bleached."
I was like, "Bitch,
"I'm tired hearing about it."
She said, "What's wrong, honey?"
"Have you never heard of an asshole bleaching?"
I'm, like, "I have. But I can't imagine you as a blonde lady."
Fuckin' bitch.
I've had so many boob jobs
that these are actually under warranty.
They are. I have two little red cards that have registered them on the Internet with.
I have a warranty for my fucking breast implants.
Yeah. Okay. Thanks.
It's good, but what the fuck do I do with it?
I don't understand how this works. What am I supposed to say?
"Well, doc, this left one's just kind of like looking a little tired, you know?
"It's a little... laying down a little wrong.
"They're looking at each other funny. Can you fix it?"
What do you do with it?
Because I'm a fucking liberal snowflake.
Yeah, I think the weirdest thing...
about being trans is... that, okay...
There's nobody else, whether you're Black or white
or Asian or Jewish or Catholic or Muslim,
do you demand to know what that person looks like naked upon first meeting.
It's true. It's true.
When you're trans, people are just like, "What you got down there?
"You complete? What you got going on down there?
"You have some surgeries?
"Where are you at in the process?
"What's going on?
"You know, I need to know these things, you know.
"It's my constitutional right to know."
I mean, it's not like I can walk up to like some guy, like...
Imagine if I walked up to a American-Asian Pacific Islander,
first off and it was like,
"Hi. Your name's Frank?
"Hey, Frank.
"Is that a dick down there?
"What's... big, little...
"What? Okay.
"Yeah. You got a picture of it?
"What do you got? I kinda need a see.
"So no picture? It's all right.
"You got two balls, though, right?
"Is that what's going on?
"All right, let's have lunch sometime.
"Nice to meet ya."
I mean, what the hell are you supposed to do with that?
It's so weird to me.
It's so strange that everybody wants to know.
They act like we're the perverts.
But all they do is want to know what's down here.
They're the perverts, who are like, "Tell me what it is down there,
"and I'll let you go into that woman's bathroom.
"But you can't be rubbing your shit up against it.
"I know you'd be raping in there."
"I don't know what it is you're going to be raping with at this point,
"but I know what you're gonna be doing in there.
"So, you know, just cool.
"You just got to go behind that bush over there and pee,
"'cause I don't know what to tell you." -
"Figure it out yourself.
"I don't know. There ain't no local municipality laws
"for me to figure this one out yet.
"I don't know what's going on."
Gay men are the worst at it.
Gay men who are supposed to be, like, the safest spot in the world, with gay men.
They're actually the worst. They're the ones...
Like, if you're in a room full of gay guys
and straight women and straight guys,
having a good time,
and then you go to leave,
and as you're walking out the door, you hear the gay guy go,
"I know she was real pretty, wasn't she?
"She's real... She's hilarious. I love her.
"Oh, my God, I'm gonna have her at home.
"You know, she was a man.
"I mean, she might not be now...
"I don't know, there could be a dick down there,
"but I don't know if there is, but at one point, there wasn't.
"Or maybe there was.
"I don't... But, you know, that's what's happening.
"Yeah, yeah, it's amazing, isn't it?"
I mean, it's like, what they don't realize,
or maybe they do realize, and as the kids say, "They don't give a fuck."
The D. G. A. F.
But what they don't realize is if they tell a friend,
who that friend's going to tell a friend who's going to tell another friend,
who's going to tell another friend, and before you know it,
some pickup truck with a gun rack
is going to screech to a halt in front of me on the street
and two Duck Dynasty looking motherfuckers are gonna get out going,
"Earl, That's the one.
"See, Earl, look at it.
"It's real. I don't... Look at that, Earl.
"Look at it.
"It is looking like a woman.
"And it's not, okay? It's pissing me off.
"I want to put my dick in it and then kill it.
"And it makes me mad that I want to put my dick in it and then just let's do it.
"What are we doing?
"You know what? Let's just put our dick in it and then kill it.
"Or we could do what you're saying.
"We could kill it and then put our dick in it.
"If it's your turn, I don't care."
That's the reality of the situation.
That's what fucking happens to us.
I'm one of those people who like... I don't think it's anybody's business
unless I'm going to have sex with you.
Just because you want to have sex with me doesn't mean I'm going to fuck you, okay?
Get over yourself, dude.
But I'm not going to tell you unless we're getting to the point of being intimate.
And it's so weird, because even when I've done that,
There's been guys... like, I told this one guy, he's like...
"That's fucking horrible. Why would you lie like that?
"If you don't want to go out with me, don't make up a horrible lie like that.
"Just tell me you don't want to date me."
And I'm like, "Okay, I don't want to date you."
"Why? What's wrong with me?"
I'm like, "Nothing. It's on me." And I just left.
Another guy said to me, he said,
"Don't... don't do that.
"Don't, don't, don't change your sex.
"I mean, you cut off that beautiful blonde hair and those beautiful big tits,
"You don't want to cut those off.
"You don't want to change that.
"It cost you way too much money and time and therapy.
"You're just gorgeous the way you are.
"Don't change a thing."
And I went, "Okay,
"I'm not going to.
"I'm not gonna change a fucking thing.
"I'm just gonna not change it over there, Okay?"
Here's the one that always kills me.
Here's the one that I just don't get.
It's so weird to me.
It's like, you know, gotta be like,
"Oh, yeah, I don't have a problem with trans people at all.
"I don't have a problem whatsoever with trans people.
"I think y'all are great. I think you're brave and everything.
"Just, you know, my personal preference,
"I could not date one of you because I don't think
"I could put a square peg in a round hole."
I'm like, "I don't know how many vaginas or assholes
"you've seen in life, dude, but they're all pretty round."
So that leads me to believe you have a condition
you need to go see a doctor about.
How many squares...
Show of hands. How many guys here have a square wiener?
Okay.
All right. Yeah. That's what I thought.
I have never once, you know, gone onto Pornhub
and see girlswhosuck squarecocks.com.
You know, I've never seen the fetish site
for, you know, square pegs in the round hole.
It's just so weird.
It's so fucking strange to me.
I've never even seen a square hot dog at DerWienerschnitzel,
and if anybody would have one, it'd be those bitches.
You know, so that leads me to believe
it's not trans people who need to be shown naked upon first meeting.
It's all you straight men.
Okay? 'Cause you got square dicks out there,
I want to know ahead of time.
It's not me having secrets.
It's you.
I did have a gender confirming surgery or, back in the day when I had it,
it was called a sex change.
And that doesn't give you a right to go and ask any trans person
you meet with what they have done.
I am offering this information of my own free will, okay?
It is not an open invitation for you just to go, "What you got?"
No.
So I had it done
and the weirdest thing was, like the second day afterwards,
the doctor is changing the bandage,
and he touched me in a certain way,
and I was just like...
I had a fucking orgasm on the second day.
It was just like, I mean, it was incredible,
but it was shocking because, I mean, I always
envisioned my first orgasm as a woman to be done
by a 6-foot-2 Jason Momoa looking motherfucker,
who said to me in a very deep, calming bass voice afterwards,
"That's how you do it, baby.
"That's right."
Not some 5-foot-1 65-year-old Thai doctor
who looked at me and said, "I think you come.""
I guess we take what we can get.
It's working. That's all that matters, isn't it?
In '70s America,
when I grew up, there was only two avenues to go to
if you were different.
If you were, you know, they didn't even have the "trans."
They were like, you know, faggot.
So there's only two avenues to go to, one of them being the church.
And since the age of 12, I was raped by a clergyman,
I couldn't really go there.
It was... Now, it's okay. Don't give me this "aw" look.
It was either, you know, have him diddle me or have the neighborhood guys
beat the fuck out of me every Wednesday, you know?
And at least the priest had refreshments.
You know? And with the priest, you know, there wasn't blood.
At first.
I mean, there's always a little at first.
After a while, there wasn't.
So I went to the only other avenue you could have, which was drugs.
My mother went through an early menopause
and she had every kind of controlled substance imaginable.
Valium, Librium, Demerol, Daporols, Darvocets, Darvons, Percocets, Percodans,
Hydrocodones, Bang the gong. Give the dog a bone.
I don't know what the fuck she had. She had them all.
All of them, you know, because that was the time
when, you know, you went through an early menopause as a woman,
the doctor was always a man and he'd be like...
"Bitch is crazy.
"I don't know.
"I don't know nothing about woman's bodies.
"They're just strange and they got a lot of shit going on down there.
"It's a... It's like a cavern with all these crevices.
"I... I don't know how to treat that shit, and we'll just give them drugs.
"Just give her drugs. Calm her down.
"She's insane. She's crazy.
"I mean, I wish she was just a man.
"It would be easier to treat her.
"Yes, I'm smoking. I'm a doctor in the '70s and I smoke."
You could smoke in the hospital, too, back then...
as a patient.
You could. That's when America was great,
you had to pull yourself up by the bootstraps.
I mean, you could tell anyone you wanted
what your problem was, but nobody fucking believed you.
Just, "Get out of here, faggot!"
You know, it's a...
I think I got stoned for the first time when I was 11,
but then at 12 I think, it was by my older brother who was babysitting me.
And he got drunk.
And he didn't want me to tell mom and dad that he was drunk.
Plus, I was being a sissy, so he beat the fuck out of me.
So he got me really stoned.
So I wouldn't tell mom and dad.
And it worked, because by the time
he got me so fucking stoned, I didn't feel no pain.
I didn't know who mom and dad were at that point.
I remember coming home one night
high as a kite.
I think it was like 15.
I was so stoned and I came home and my mother came out of her room
and said, "You've been drinking.
"I can smell that whiskey on you."
I haven't had a drop to drink.
"Don't lie to me.
"Don't you lie to me.
"I know, I can smell the whiskey on you..."
"I swear to God..."
"Don't lie to me." "I'm not lying to you."
But she slapped me for lying to her,
which made me laugh harder, which made her slap me harder.
Which made me laugh harder.
And then she went on and on for a while until finally she stopped.
She goes... "Oh, my God,
"you're into that Eminem shit."
And I'm like, "Eminem?"
"What are you talking..."
"You know, when people hit each other and they like it sexually."
"I think you mean S&M, mom."
She's like, "See, I told you you're drunk.
"You slurred your words when you said Eminem."
They say a woman is attracted to men who are just like their dads.
I blame a lot, and not all, I blame a lot of my problems
with dating on my bio-father.
Okay, My real father. There's other things that happened,
but I blame the majority on him.
So what... I guess what I want to say is,
If there's any guys out there who got a woman pregnant
and then left that woman and went to another woman
who had two kids of her own, got her pregnant,
And then the night the baby's original baby's mama
was going to get married, went and tried to steal
that first baby with a handgun pointed at the first baby's mama,
but his brother in law went up behind him with a 2x4, hit him over the head,
he passed out cold, but he woke up before the cops came and then he took
and he ran across the country and started another whole family
with the second woman and didn't think about
that child he tried to steal for 30 years...
come see me after the show.
Tweet me.
I had this one guy once, so weird.
He said to me, he was, like, he's ready to put it in
and he looks at me in the eye, very lovingly,
and he says, "You can be vulnerable with me."
And I just looked up at him
and I looked him in the eye and I said, "Get the fuck out of here.
"That's some serial killer talk right there."
Fuck that.
Be vulnerable with you?
What am I? How do you answer that?
Really? What do you say to that?
Am I supposed to like after the 7th pump go,
"When I was 12, my uncle put two fingers into my butt."
I can't answer that.
I don't know.
I had this other guy that we went back to my house
because it was the first date, and that's what sluts like me do.
And we did the dirty, and after it was done,
I went to the bathroom, and when I came back, he was still there.
But he had gone into my closet and he decided to wear a complete outfit of mine,
Wear a complete outfit of mine,
laying in my bed, pitching a tent with my clothes on,
and I'm just like...
"...Stand up.
What are you thinking?
"Those shoes with that skirt and that top.
"Come on, let's pick again."
Okay. What I'm saying is I don't want vulnerability,
but you fuckers better match.
Okay?
Even I have limits.
I dated this man recently and he said to me, he said, "Don't google me..."
All the women know what's coming.
He said, "Don't google me.
"I want to be the one to tell you the truth."
I know. That's what I thought, too.
Finally, an honest man in this world.
What he said to me was, he said, "I've been away for a while."
And I'm like, "Florida?"
"No, I've been away for a while."
"Europe." "No. No.
"I was away for 17 years and I had to wear orange."
"What the fuck were you doing in China?"
He said, "What had happened was..." He belonged to a gang,
and he was the strong arm money collector guy,
and he went out to do his job and things went awry.
And he ended up killing somebody.
Yeah, he was away for murder.
True story. And I'm just like, "Tuesday...
"You're such an asshole.
"Why do you always go with these...
"It's because of your father.
"And you need to break that chain, okay?
"You need to change your whole life.
"Stop dating these men that are like your father.
"Change it up, get rid of the bad boys.
"You live in LA, get a life coach."
"You know, do something.
"There's an Erewhon around the corner.
"Get some kale. Something. Stop this shit."
But then I thought to myself, "You know what?
"The sex is good and you've got to go sometime.
"Let's do this shit."
So I did.
I went out with him for a while
and you know, after a bit, 'cause I'm not an idiot,
I did google him.
And he had lied to me.
He had lied to me.
What had happened was he had kidnapped somebody.
He had held them for ransom, changed his mind,
let them go.
And they turned evidence on him.
That's the real story.
And I'm just, like, when I saw him next,
I was like, "Yeah, Yeah.
"I googled you.
"I did it. I googled you.
"It's done, it's over.
"I'm not going to date you anymore.
"It's over. I can't date you.
"I googled you. I know the truth.
"I know you lied to me."
He looked at me and he said, "Oh my God,
Would you rather I have killed somebody?"
And I'm like, "Fuck, yeah, at least that way I know you could commit
"and follow through with something in life."
Yeah.
The ladies know what I'm talking about.
We need that follow through.
Jesus Christ!
A guy walked up to me on the street and he looked at me right here, he said,
"Are those transplants?" I'm like, "Yeah, I got them off
"a dead hooker down by the docks."
How do you answer these people?
How do you respond to these morons?
It got me thinking how stupid people are.
Mostly, I love... I love men, okay?
But y'all kinda dumb.
Made me think about a few years ago,
how Michael Douglas was.
You remember Michael Douglas, the actor?
And he was like... Remember Catherine Zeta Jones?
He said he got mouth cancer from cunnilungus. Yeah, he did.
Michael Douglas got mouth cancer from eating pussy.
I'm like, "What next? Blowjobs causing Alzheimer's?"
I'm like, "What next..." No, I'm not...
Got enough mileage out of that puppy.
Out of that puppy.
So it's come to my attention.
Speaking of stupid celebrities, that as a trans woman,
my pussy is not real...
Dave Chappelle. It is not real.
It is like the Impossible Burger.
Okay? Cut me and I bleed beet juice.
Okay? It's a veritable farmer's market down here.
Okay? It's a vegan's delight, if you will,
A plethora of organic vegetables and fruit for all of you who like to partake.
The fuck?
It's so stupid. It's like beyond pussy.
You know what's nice to know, though, is for somebody
who doesn't like trans people that he thinks I have a more healthier, organic,
fresher, cleaner meal down here than any cis woman.
Okay? Seriously.
"You don't wanna do yoga today? Come eat my puss.
"It's better for you."
Yeah? "Miss your Zumba? Come and lick my clit."
Stupid shit.
I can't do it anymore.
Here's something I really believe in.
I really believe that Black women and trans people
are the strongest people on the face of the earth.
Sorry. I do believe that.
Black women and trans people
are the strongest people on the face of the earth
because they've been through more than anybody else.
They can get shit done.
Okay? They can get it done.
Why? Okay...
America's a fucking horror movie, right?
Right? It's a fucking horror movie.
It's like a littleNight of the Living Dead,
with the Trump supporters, little House of 1000 Corpses
with all the COVID shit going on.
A little bit ofGet out and Us and stuff.
You know, it's a fucking horror movie.
But we know who the fucking killer is ahead of time.
It's a orange shaded motherfucker.
We know this, but, yeah, we keep going in that house for dinner.
We keep driving down that detour of the dirt road all by ourselves.
Okay? We we keep going to that wonderful condemned sleepaway camp
on the 35th fucking anniversary of the last slaughter.
We keep going there. It just doesn't make any sense to me.
Now. Here's the thing.
I love Jamie Lee Curtis.
I love her.
Everything about her.
There's nothing she can do wrong.
I love her when I'm watching her eat Activia,
even though I know five minutes after she eats it,
she's gonna be blowing brown juice out her butt. I still love her.
But she couldn't kill her own mother.
How many years? Now, if that were a Black woman or a trans person,
we would've had that motherfucker duct taped, disemboweled,
dismembered in 18 different garment bags full of Y and acid,
buried in every Trump supporter's lawn across America.
Police will be knocking on our door.
Yeah. "What's up, Copper?
"What you want?
"Michael? Michael who? My brother? Ain't got no brother.
"What you talk...?
"I don't know no Michael, I'm telling you.
"I never... Any Michael in here?
"Anybody? No, we got five James, seven James Jrs.,
Theresa, five, two Sarahs,
"a couple Lees... Ain't no Michael here.
"Okay? So get the fuck off my porch, cop, until you come back with a warrant.
"Fuck you." That's what would have been done.
That's exactly what would have been done.
Enough of that.
So what I'm saying is...
I know that the problem right now
is there's a lot of newly transitioned people,
or, as I like to call them, "new hires,"
who think that they've been on the job
for a week and they can get everything done,
and they've got it all figured out.
Well, you know what?
Black women, just keep in touch with us older women, okay?
We've got your back.
Just, you know, when you get a memo from the new hire,
just say, "Oh, thank you, you know, and file it in the circular basket."
Who the fuck cares?
They'll get into their jobs soon enough.
So you call us the next time that you're off into somebody's...
you know, let us know that you're about to go down that road.
Let us know you're going to the sleepaway camp.
Because what's the first rule of horror movies?
Black people get killed first.
Right?
Ain't one of you ever seen a trans person in a horror movie.
They ain't even thinking about me.
They got your ass.
I could sneak up in there and I could be like, "Yo, killer. Guess what?
"You don't know what I got below.
"You don't know what I got below."
And then he'd be like, "Oh my God, I don't know what to do with you.
"Wait, let me look.
"Okay, for your last pee break,
"I don't know if you go to the women's room or the men's room.
"I've got to look up the laws.
"And the code. Shit.
"Now I've got to figure out what pronoun to use,
"so I can use the opposite one to torture you
"because I don't know which one you like.
"And the pronoun... Okay, you know, I don't even know how to kill you.
"If I disembowel you, will you enjoy that?
"What is going on here?
"I don't know." So while we've got them all confused, we'll get
the new hires, grab your ass from that car,
and we'll just sail along the way with the new hires to cut his ass up,
put him in the bag and let him go.
Okay, let's get this shit done...
I'm tired of it.
Michael Myers. 40 years. That bitch.
Forty years.
Oh, my God. Here's the thing, you know, people are like...
Let me just say it like this.
Trans people can't oppress anyone by definition.
We don't have the economic power
nor the political power to oppress anyone.
Just, we can't do it.
They won't let us have fucking money, okay?
Every...
Every little five cents, ten cents we get,
we put away for fucking surgery
because Medicare and Medicaid and nobody will pay for us.
We can't opress...
The only person I can oppress is that gimp that's duct taped
under my bed, and that fucker's paying me.
So I think I should get a pass, okay?
If trans people ask me to meet with them and talk, don't say, I will talk to you
at a place of my time and my choosing, because, bitch,
that's a "trick who's going to try to murder me" talk. Okay?
I've been through that shit.
I lived in New York in the '90s.
We knew not to go to the hotel for the trick.
We knew not to go do that shit, or we'd get killed.
What we do, is we couple up with another girl,
and we have this one room apartment in New York,
and we alternate the days that we would fuck for work.
Because you can't fuck every day for work.
That's too much.
So the one who wasn't on duty would be there while the trick came over,
and they would like hide under the sink or some shit.
'Cause it's a small apartment, but we like,
make it so they can hide in the cupboard or some shit, okay?
You talk about horror movies, you've never been so scared in your life
until you see a trans woman with two days beard growth
coming out from under the kitchen sink with a butcher knife in her hand,
screaming in a deep bass voice, "Get out! Get out!"
While there's another one standing in the middle of the room going,
"Red lobster. Red lobster"
"Red lobster"
That's fucking frightening.
Don't tell me to come
at a place of your time and your choosing.
That's just... hate speech to us trans people. Don't do it.
You know? I mean, you can only fool me 47 times.
I'm not going to go again.
It's too much.
TERFs. The J. K. Rowling bullshit and the TERFs...
Do you know what TERFs are? If you don't, google it
because it's not my fucking fault
you've been in a coma for 10 years,
or you refuse to live outside your bubble.
Okay? You should know what they are because they want to outlaw me.
They want to outlaw my kind.
They want to get rid of us. They want to kill us.
They don't want us anymore on the face of the earth.
TERFs think that they... the only reason
that trans women exist is to come into a woman's space,
take what's rightfully the woman's and rape the woman.
That's actually what they believe.
So I'm just like, "Yeah, you're right."
When I was 11 years old and I realized
what my sister had down there wasn't the same as what I got,
I thought to myself, I said, "Self, you're going to grow up
"and ostracize everybody who loves you. This is what you're going to do.
"And you're going to grow up and you're not going to be able
to get a job and you're going to grow up and you're going to have
"every little penny that you find, just, you know, scrape together
"to get surgeries to become a woman.
"And when you finally, you know, deal with the rapes
"and the beatings and all that stuff,
"and you get to the point where you're a possible woman,
"you're going to go... I'm going to go to that woman
"with a Y festival in Michigan, and I'm going to find
"a hairy armpitted woman named Corinne,
"And I'm gonna lick her sweaty, hairy pussy
"till she comes while Ani DiFranco plays. That's my plan."
Yes.
I'm like, "Yeah, lesbian. You wish."
The fuck these people...
I just don't know what's going on.
Okay, so, like, people often say like,
"Your mind is really weird, Tuesday.
"What's a day in your life?" Okay. You want to know a fucking day of my life?
This is a day in my life, okay?
I get up in the morning and I realize I want coffee.
But there's no coffee, and the only coffee I like,
because I hate Starbucks,
is two buses and a transfer away.
So it takes me a while because I have anxiety to finally get it together,
and I finally get on that bus and I go to the coffee shop.
I walk into the coffee shop, and it's just so weird
because it's like beakers and coils and hot, brewed and cold pressed
and all this stuff going on back there, and I stop and I think to myself,
"Oh my God, they're doing this with coffee
"but when my Uncle, Leo, did it with corn mash,
"they called it moonshine, and they put him in fucking jail.
"How can they do this?
"But, okay, whatever."
So I don't know. And then the guy comes up.
I don't know what they call him. What do you call the person?
The counter person? Is it like a, I don't know, bitch?
No. No, that's not the word.
Troll.
Barista. Barista.
So the barista comes up.
It's like, "What can I get for you?"
And I'm like, "I don't know." Because I don't know the lingo.
"I don't know if I want a Vente,
"Uno, cinco, quatro, siete, extra large, double extra large, Small.
I don't know... if I want,
You know, I don't know if I want oat milk, soy milk,
cauliflower milk. I don't fucking know.
It's too much for me to deal with.
And so finally, I'm just, like, exasperated.
So I just point to the wall, and he grabs me
this biggest bag of tea leaves I've ever seen in my life.
They're the size of fucking oak tree leaves from King Arthur's kingdom.
But I'm like, "Whatever. I just want to get the fuck out."
So I pay him, and then I think to myself,
"Oh, my God, I probably should tip him."
Because that's a thing you do. And how much do you tip him
because the world is rough, and there's a lot of people
who would say I hope that if he wanted to get tipped,
he should probably get a better paying job.
But I'm not one of those kind of people.
But still, I don't know what to pay him.
Because if I don't tip him, he will think I am one of those kind of people.
When I finally figured I'd just tip him a dollar, just get it over with,
I'm already at the bus stop.
And now, I think to myself, "Great.
"I don't have to tip him, but I can never show my fucking face in here again."
So I go and I get on the bus and I'm on the bus and I come back to...
I'm trying to get back to my beautiful neighborhood here,
which is the ghetto, but I can't say the ghetto
because if I say the ghetto, that's not PC,
and then they'll take away my Facebook privileges.
And how the fuck will I know what everybody eats for lunch?
So I have to get on the bus and I have to come back
to the newly designated historic district
with lots of character that none of you fucks will care about
until the Trader Joe's moves in.
So I'm on the bus and the bus stops,
and there's a whole line of people that get on,
and I'm just, like, close my eyes and I'm like,
"Don't sit with me. Don't sit with me.
"Don't sit with me. Good." That's three times. When I open my eyes,
and nobody sat with me, and I think what the fuck is wrong with me?
"Nobody wants to sit with me."
So I finally get over here to the corner,
and I get out of the bus and I come and I go inside the store
underneath because I need toilet paper.
Because the tea makes me shit.
I hate tea.
So... but with coronavirus, they keep the toilet paper
behind the counter, and the counter has,
like the three inch bullerproof glass there,
So, I get down there, where you put the money through and I'm like,
"Hello, anybody back there?
"Hi. I just need toilet paper.
"Please, just one roll. That's all I need.
"They're like loosies on cigarettes now.
"No, just a roll.
"That's it. Give me the roll. Oh, you don't have any?
"No, I think I see em'. I do.
"Over there.
"Yeah. Yeah. On the other side of that 32 ounce bottle of Pepto Bismol. Yeah.
"Near that six pack of Tab. Do they still make that shit?
"I guess not. Those cans are rusty.
"Yeah, right there. Give me the toilet paper." Got the toilet paper,
And then I look up and as I'm checking out,
I see a Magnum condom wrapper
glued to the glass.
And somebody took a Sharpie,
and they wrote "$1" over the top of it with a Sharpie.
And I'm just like, "Oh my God, Magnum Condoms... Magnum Condoms
"for a dollar..." America, it's capitalism.
It's based on supply and demand.
So that means there's a huge demand for a cheap supply
of Magnum condoms in my neighborhood.
And I'm like, "Oh, Great.
"I really did move into the right neighborhood."
So I come out and there's a woman that thinks I'm Zsa Zsa Gabor.
She's on this side of the street and her husband's on the other side of the street.
And she screamed at him.
She screaming, "You better fuck me.
"You better fuck me right now!
"Damn it! I want to get fucked.
"You better fuck me right now.
"Hi, Zsa Zsa. It's my birthday.
"You better fuck me right now.
"Okay? It's my EBT that paid for that 40 in your hand.
"You better fuck me."
And he turns and said, "Why would I fuck you?
"You sound like Godzilla and look like the Grimace."
And I just look at her and I'm like, "Happy birthday, girl."
"Hope you get laid"
She's like, "Zsa Zsa, you're so goddamn funny.
"I love you, Zsa Zsa. You know what I'm gonna do?
"I'm going to call CBS and I'm going to have them
"put Green Acres back on TV so you get your job back, Zsa, Zsa,
"because you're funny and you deserve the money and you deserve to work."
And I think to myself, "I don't have the heart to tell her that was Eva and not Zsa Zsa
"on Green Acres."
Because I'm just so impressed that she remembered CBS.
But I also... I start to go upstairs, I think, "Jesus, I love this town.
"Now I've got a fucking manager."
So go upstairs and drop off the TP and the tea
and then my phone rings and it's my ex-boyfriend
who ghosted me, like, 6 months ago
because that's the fucking thing that's done nowadays.
Ghosting. So he calls me and he's like, "I really miss you.
"I love you. I decided I liked you.
"You're the one. You're the one.
"My heart belongs to you.
"I want to show you.
"I want I want to make sure you know.
"I want to come over and I want to show you." I hate him so much.
I'm so fucking angry at him that I just grabbed the phone.
And I say to him that any sane woman would say.
I said, "Yeah, come on over, baby. I'm free."
So, in the interim, I'm thinking, "You know, I really am mad.
"I really am mad. I'm really am pissed off."
Okay? I think you know, if I'm going to talk to him,
I think the best thing to do is from the minute he comes in,
like a little hate fuck going on and get that anger out, right?
You know, you know, sometimes you just hate fuck
before you can deal with them.
Hate fuck!
And then you do it and then it's done,
and then you can converse and you can talk.
So I'm like, all over him and I'm just like,
okay, try to get it and he's going, "You know, I really want to show you
"I love you. I want to take it slow."
And I'm just trying to get at it.
And he's like, "No, baby, no, baby.
"I need to prove to you that you're the one.
"I need to prove to you I respect you."
And I'm just trying to get over on him.
He said, "No, go slow." And I just look at him.
And I said, "You better fuck me.
"You better fuck me right now.
"It's my EBT card that paid for that 40 on that night stand."
"You better fuck me right now."
Oh, my God. Well, I just want to say my name is Tuesday Thomas.
If you like me, you can follow me home and fuck me because I am alone.
I'm so damn lonely.
Let me tell you, it's like five construction guys down there doing drywall.
It's just white dust showing up all over the place.
Oh, fuck.
I think I gotta go now.
You guys never saw me here.