Downloaded from YTS.LT
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.LT
[rooster crows]
[banjo music]
[dog panting]
MAN: I need you to stop doing that.
BOY: OK.
[music playing]
[children clamoring]
[snores]
More spanking?
A little spanking there?
[snores]
[children scream]
Ah.
[glass shatters]
Oh!
Not a-- mm.
Oh.
Ah.
Damn it!
Earl!
Hey, mom.
Oh, hey. Morning, honey.
You want some coffee?
No, thanks.
Earl broke the-- sorry, can you just-- can you cover
up just a little bit, please?
Oh, sorry.
Yeah. You know what?
Never mind.
I got it.
What about Earl?
LUKE: Doesn't matter.
Hey, don't go over to Earl's.
Honey?
[music playing]
Hey, Earl.
Earl.
Hey, Earl.
Can I talk to you for a second?
You are talking to me.
Earl, I'd really like it if we could just talk man to man.
I would like it if Marisa Tomei talked to me woman to man,
but that ain't going to happen. So what are you going to do?
Your golf ball broke my window.
I didn't do it.
Well, then what's this?
It's a golf ball.
It ain't mine.
Oh, yeah.
No, it was some other jerk hitting golf balls next door.
You say something to me?
Yeah, you're responsible.
And you broke my window, my mom's window, our window.
Well, which is it, your window, mommy's window?
Whose-- - It's my mom's house.
So you broke her window.
You're standing up for your mommy now?
Yeah. Yeah, I am.
I didn't have a problem with your mom until you moved back.
And now it's always, Earl, don't urinate in our yard.
Earl, don't bring rescue eagles to the house.
Earl, you can't sunbathe on the roof.
Earl, you can't run a dispensary.
Earl, you ran over my dog.
You did run over my dog when I was 14.
That was you, you lying piece-- - Hey, Earl.
Hey, I was wondering if I could ask you a favor.
Could you help me replace my window, please?
I'm sure it was an accident.
Yeah, anything, Miss Patty.
While I'm at it, I'll teach your boy
how to do stuff around the house, you know, be a man.
That would be lovely, Earl.
Mm.
Come on.
Your breath is full of murder.
Look, it's just a window, OK?
Also, you need to get going.
I packed this for you.
And you need to go and impress the mayor,
get that big promotion. So you don't want to be late.
Mom, please, it's not that big of a deal.
Well, if it makes you happy, it's a big deal to me.
OK, you go ahead and think about yourself.
I'll be fine.
I can handle Earl.
I don't like that you can't.
I'll see you later.
Don't go to the trailer.
Shut your goddamn mouth.
[music playing]
[phone ringing]
[sighs]
[phone ringing]
Hey, Roy.
You will not believe what Earl did this morning.
Forget Earl.
Where are you?
Tiffany is pissed.
I'm on Route 66.
What happened?
Someone forgot to close Uranus last night.
Well, Cletus was supposed to close Uranus.
Cletus just said you were supposed to close your Uranus.
LUKE [ON PHONE]: What? No, he closed.
Not me.
Tiffany is pissed.
She's about to open Uranus.
Hey, when you say "Uranus," do you mean "Uranus"
or "your anus"?
Both.
Come to Uranus as fast as you can.
The mayor has some big surprise.
LUKE [ON PHONE]: What is it?
If I knew what it was, it wouldn't be a big surprise.
Well, listen, I'll be there as soon as I can.
Don't let him start without me.
Excuse me.
I can't get the cards.
Can you move?
The cards are underneath your--
I bet it's probably about that assistant manager position.
Just cover for me.
As your best friend--
Not my best friend.
Your best friend will cover your anus.
Thanks, not my best friend.
And I will fabricate a lie so ingenious
that tabloids will use it for future generations to--
[phone disconnects] Hello?
Yeah.
Yes, I'll see you very soon, best friend.
Yes, you're clearly on the phone with me.
All right, love you.
Bye.
Is this your card?
[whistling]
Is it one of these four?
[hacking]
You cheated.
[ominous music]
[slug screeches]
[ominous music]
Ah.
[slug screeches]
[grunts] There it is, yep.
[ominous music]
What the-- Oh, man.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh.
Oh!
[groans] Oh.
Oh, no.
Ow!
[jarring music]
[music stops]
[pop music] Watch me, watch me, watch me
Did you never think about it - Hey.
[horn honks]
[pop music]
Are you serious?
Hello?
[SINGING] Pushing this boy Can you handle, handle me?
See that booty in the back
Think you're going to get a snack
Move!
[SINGING] Now watch me strut with my front butt
Watch me jiggle
Watch me shake
Work the pavement like a runway
Strut--
Hey!
[SINGING] --with my front butt
Watch me jiggle
Watch me shake
Work the pavement like a runway
Booty in the back
Booty in the front
Booty for breakfast
Booty for lunch
See me on the tick TikTok
[siren wailing]
Fudge!
[siren wailing]
[music playing distantly]
[radio chatter]
[knock on window]
Going a little fast, weren't you?
Sorry, there was a lady jogging right in the middle of the road.
I didn't see no lady.
Did you, Sheriff?
No, I didn't.
I work at Uranus Fudge Factory,
and they have this big announcement there today.
And I'm feeling--
What is that, some kind of joke?
Yeah, is that some kind of joke?
Maybe a poop joke?
Ernie, how is "Big announcement" a poop joke?
Could be a big poop.
License and registration.
Are you serious?
Dead serious.
He's going for a weapon!
He's going to try and give us a paper cut!
[radio chatter]
I hate that man.
[ominous music]
[knock on door]
[ominous music]
Hey, Earl.
You're a little early for the window.
I still need to go to the hardware store and pick it up,
so.
[grunts]
You OK?
[ominous music]
OK.
Well, I will let you know when I have the window.
And have a good day, Earl.
Hey, honey.
Honey, you are drunk, OK?
You need to go home.
You need to sleep it off.
Earl, no!
Get out of my house!
No, Earl!
Get out!
[screams]
[radio chatter]
I ran your registration.
This is Patty McCormick's car.
Did you steal it from her?
She's my mom.
You know this, Ernie.
We went to high school together.
That's Deputy Ernie to you.
Easy.
Sorry, Sheriff.
I just get really upset when people break the law.
It makes me mad, mad.
Mad, I tell you!
Mad!
You got my deputy all riled up.
You were 15 over.
And in this county, that's a criminal offense.
So you're going to have to go down to court.
- Court? - Don't you worry.
I set you one up already.
I'm not mad.
I'm just disappointed, a young man with a future
full of promise.
I don't know if I'm comfortable with you
using that familiar tone.
Well, get comfortable with it!
You know, I talked to your mom at length when we dated.
And I know it would just break her heart to see
her little boy as a criminal.
Yeah, a dirty, rotten, no good, stinking,
lousy, horrible criminal!
I'll tell you what, I won't tell your mom
if you clean up your act.
You dated my mom for a week.
Slow down.
[radio chatter]
[music playing]
[horn honks]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You crazy cat!
Are you OK?
Ah!
What the heck?
Why?
Freaking fish!
Watch how you drive in Uranus!
[groans]
Man, it took you long enough.
Dude, the sheriff gave me a stupid ticket.
- Really? - Yes.
Man, you think he would have let you off since he
and your mom hooked up.
Don't say "hook up," Roy.
Sorry, made love.
That's even worse.
They dated for a week and nothing happened.
Dude, your mom is a beautiful woman with needs.
And I want you to let me know that if she
ever has needs that need fulfilled,
I can be there for her--
- Roy, that's-- - --so fast.
- That's enough. - I'll be there for her.
Roy, that's enough.
- Just like I'm here for you-- - Roy--
- --I can be there for your mom. - --that is enough.
I'm just saying.
Thank you.
I told everyone that the two-headed turtle
got out of its terrarium again.
They're all going to be looking for it.
So no one will notice that you came in late.
- OK, great. - All right.
Thanks, I owe you.
Yeah, you do.
Man, people are driving crazy in Uranus.
What-- go back to the shop!
All right.
Now remember, stick to the story and no one
will know that you were gone.
[music playing]
Oh, f--
BOTH: Fudge.
It looks like they found the turtle, Roy.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Hey, Miss Tiffany.
Hi, y'all.
I heard that the two-headed turtle had escaped.
And Roy was telling me about that.
And I went looking for it.
Did you guys find it?
The turtle's in its cage.
Oh.
[laughs sarcastically]
Wow, it must have climbed down and then climbed back in.
Imagine that.
Two-headed turtles are very nomadic from what I hear,
twice as nomadic as a one-headed turtle.
Push and Pull had a good old time, didn't they?
Yep, I bet they did.
So much fun.
They were so fast.
It's turtles.
You didn't even take it out of the cage?
I tried.
Mr. Mayor, would you like to give your big announcement?
All right, everybody quiet down.
Settle in.
The mayor is going to make his big announcement, which is
probably about his retirement.
Thank you, Cletus.
That was the news.
I was going to tell everybody.
All right.
Well, everybody already knows.
I'm considering retiring.
Damn it.
I was going to be the one-- you took away my thunder!
Wait, wait, wait.
Does this mean you're closing Uranus?
No, no.
I'm keeping Uranus wide open.
I mean, we have all these amazing fudge packers.
And someone needs to be grabbing people's Redneck Nutz.
What's most important, though, is we need a new leader.
Someone who can carry these stars and stripes.
Someone as handsome and as smart and as extremely humble as yours
truly.
And I want it to be one of you guys.
So for the next few months, I'm going
to be observing very closely each and every one of you.
And hopefully, one of you deserve to wear my suit.
No, no, your own suit.
All right, let's all go back to work.
All right, you heard Miss Tiffany.
Let's get back to being the best fudge packers we can be.
Grab those nuts, Redneck Nutz.
Pack that fudge.
And let's help everyone in Uranus that we possibly can.
Not you, Luke.
You stay.
Do you need me to stay, too?
Is your name Luke?
No, it's Roy.
OK, then get back to the sideshow museum.
Yes, Miss Tiff--
LUKE: Later, dude.
I'm sorry.
What's up, Miss Tiffany?
Uh.
Look, is this about me closing last night?
Because Cletus was the one that was scheduled to do that, so.
Are you calling me a liar?
Uh, no.
I'm just saying that if your name is associated
with the closing shift, that usually means that you're
going to close the store.
Look, I read it as "close," not "close."
Like, be close to the store, not close the store.
Yeah, and I thought giving you the keys and saying lock it
up was pretty self-explanatory.
Listen, this pee-pee measuring contest ends today.
Shake hands.
Nope.
Come on, shake hands.
Now hug.
I'm not going to do that.
MISS TIFFANY: Hug.
LUKE: No.
MISS TIFFANY: We don't have all day.
Hug it out.
Come on.
I'm on top.
MISS TIFFANY: Now kiss.
- No. - Not a cha--
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Thank you, Miss Tiffany.
I'm going to take Luke here, and we're going
to go have a few words, OK?
Hey, Luke.
I'm watching you.
Get back to your station.
Go.
[music playing]
Have a seat, Luke.
Nice shot.
[banjo note plays]
So how's Miss Patty doing?
She's fine.
Yeah, she is.
Yeah.
It's not what I meant, yeah.
Did you want to talk to me about something?
Oh, yeah.
Right, right.
I don't know if you've heard, but I'm thinking about retiring.
Yeah, yeah.
We all heard that, like, five minutes ago
when we were down there. - Oh, yeah.
Well, I'm thinking about making you my replacement.
What?
Really, why?
Why?
Oh, come on, Luke.
You're smart.
You're funny.
You're educated.
You know the business side of this.
I think this would really be good for Uranus.
Good for your heinous-- you get it?
[laughs] Oh, man.
I don't know what to say.
It's not a done deal, but I personally
think that you have the qualities it takes to really
be a great leader, Luke.
Can I ask you, why me?
I mean, there's plenty of other people
that have been here for a lot longer than I have.
Well, it's obvious.
I mean, you've got ambition.
And you've got real world experience.
And definitely, you've worn suits that are a lot more
boring than this one.
I know for a fact you would be a great ass-et, asset.
[chuckles] You get it?
No offense, I don't know if I want to stay here in Uranus.
I still have goals and dreams.
Like what?
Have a family, you know, be the head of a company.
Just be important.
Well, that's exactly what I'm offering you here,
I mean, except for the family part.
You're going to have to do that one yourself.
Yeah, but in Uranus?
What?
You're-- you're too proud?
Is this beneath you to make people laugh and--
No.
--put smiles on people's faces?
LUKE: No.
I mean, even as the mayor of Uranus?
It's not like that, sir.
Then what's it like?
I don't know what I want.
Well, I'll tell you what, you take some time.
You think about this.
But you get back to me, OK?
OK.
Oh, wait, wait.
Can you do me one more favor before you leave?
Yeah.
When you get back down there, would you tell Cletus to stop
grabbing every customer's nuts?
Let's let the fudge packers have a little fun for a change.
Yeah.
Thank you, buddy.
You're welcome, pal.
[music playing]
Check around back.
[music playing]
Miss McCormick?
[ominous music]
[slug screeches]
Welcome to Uranus.
So, what's the tea?
The tea?
The tea, the hot goss, the 401, the down low.
Oh, my gosh.
Tell me what the mayor told you.
How do you know that?
A magician never reveals his secrets.
You're not a real magician, Roy.
A magician in training never reveals his secrets.
Roy.
All right, a sideshow museum employee
never reveals her secrets.
Tell me what he said.
He wanted me to be the mayor.
BOTH: Welcome to Uranus.
Shut up.
You're going to be the-- - Shh!
Shut up! Shut up!
I told him I'd think about it.
You're going to be the mayor of Uranus?
- [whispering] - Sorry, sorry.
Dude, I said I'd think about it.
I'd think about it.
Think about it?
What is there to think about? Say yes!
No.
And then-- oh, then you can make me your deputy mayor.
And you'd be like, he's my number two.
Look, can-- that's pretty good.
Yeah.
Can we not talk about this right now?
Don't you have anything better to do?
No, because I'm your best friend.
Dude, you're not my best friend.
And it falls under my best friend duties--
You're not my best friend.
BOTH: Welcome to Uranus.
--my best friend duties--
Not my best friend.
Duties, so.
Duties.
[both chuckle]
To celebrate with you.
Come on, let's celebrate.
Well, where are we going to go, Walmart or Lowe's?
Judy's Place.
Dude, we go there all the time.
That's not really a celebrating place.
It is if I buy you drinks.
But, like, one drink because I get paid next week.
Listen, it may not even happen.
I know I should be happy, but I'm not.
Don't touch that. - Ow!
Come on, man, this is a big deal.
You should be happy.
Don't be a grumpy goose.
Be a happy duck.
Come on.
Say, I'm a happy duck. - Dude, no.
- Say, I'm a happy duck. - No.
- Who's a happy duck? - Stop it.
- Who's a happy duck? - I'm done.
Who's a happy duck?
I'm a happy duck.
He's a happy duck, everyone.
He's a happy duck.
Hey, happy duck.
Ha.
Diana.
Hey.
Hi.
How can I pack your fudge?
Oh, that's a bit forward, isn't it?
Sorry. No, no, no, sorry.
That's just part of-- - No, no, relax.
I know. It's part of the shtick.
Um, I need a pound of peanut butter fudge for my mom.
It's her favorite.
It's her birthday. - Oh, cool.
I wanted to surprise her.
Well, Luke can pack your mom's fudge really good.
[laughs] OK, you're funny.
Happy birthday to mom, even though she's not my mom.
Because we'd have to be married in order for her to be my mom.
And that's-- we-- that isn't--
that--
Dude.
There you go.
Thanks.
Hey, Luke and I are celebrating tonight.
Really?
What for?
Some top secret Uranus stuff.
But we would love it if you came and had drinks with us
at Judy's Place.
You know what, Roy--
sorry, he loves to plan a lot of stuff, you know, last minute.
I'm sure she's got a lot of other--
MAN: Welcome to Uranus.
Welcome to Uranus.
I'm already going there tonight with some friends.
- Really? - Yeah.
We're friends.
We are, and so are Janice and Beau.
Janice sounds nice.
She can be.
Beau's going to be there?
Sup, fudge packers?
BOTH: Beau.
So nice to smell you.
Luke, buddy, when did you get back to town?
Um, like, a year ago.
Crazy.
I haven't seen you in here at all.
Yeah, you come in here, like, every other week.
- Yeah. - I can smell it.
Yeah, I've been pretty busy running my dad's
tractor rental business.
That's what I smell.
Yeah, it's the manure.
Business is going pretty good, as you can probably tell.
That's really cool.
What was the genius's name?
It's me.
I'm the genius.
But I thought your name was Beau.
Ooh!
Let me get you some aloe vera for that sick burn.
So, Luke, will I see you tonight?
At Judy's Place?
You guys sure you can afford that?
Yeah, we have coupons.
You know-- WOMAN: Welcome to Uranus.
BOTH: Welcome to Uranus.
You know what?
I actually-- I'm really, really busy tonight.
Yeah, yeah.
No, for sure, for sure.
It looks like it.
Yeah, there's actually a lot that goes into making Uranus
Fudge Factory run smoothly.
Yeah.
Stuff that maybe geniuses like you
may not be able to comprehend.
Cool, cool.
Babe, are you ready to go?
Yeah.
Um, You should come tonight, Luke.
It would be fun to catch up.
Hey, babe.
You ready to go?
I just took a bath in Axe body spray.
God, I hate that guy!
Dude, why is she even with him?
Probably because you haven't asked her out.
Dude, I can't just ask her out.
Yes, you can.
It's real easy.
She was, like, right there.
You've been in love with her since high school.
Why can't you just call her up?
Dude, because she's somebody.
She deserves to be with somebody.
And you think Beau's somebody?
Beau?
Listen, as your best friend it's--
Why do you keep saying that you're my best friend?
Because you're my best friend.
I am?
Dude, why do you hurt me like that?
Dude, dude.
I'm kidding.
Whatever.
Do you want to go get lunch?
WOMAN: Welcome to Uranus.
Welcome to Uranus.
Yeah, that's good.
I'll take that.
[beeping]
Hm.
[beep]
Hm.
What?
Mama said I need to go on a diet.
Ah.
Hey, Sheriff.
Hmm.
Have you ever had to fire your gun?
Seven times.
[coughs] Seven times?
You've shot seven people?
No, I have discharged my sidearm seven times.
Oh.
I never hit anything.
Do you think I'll ever get to discharge my sidearm?
Hmm, let's hope it never comes down to that.
Oh.
Hey, Sheriff.
Hmm.
DEPUTY: Have you ever wanted to, you know,
move someplace with a little bit more action?
Action?
Yeah, like drug dealers peddling heroin,
or a serial killer that's leaving behind breadcrumbs,
or chasing a bad guy on a train while it's raining.
No, I do not.
Oh.
Because if that's happening in my town,
that means I failed to scare the criminals away.
And you've done a fantastic job of that, Sheriff.
The only violators we have around here are speeders.
You just be thankful we live in a quiet, peaceful town
with hardworking Americans.
Why's that?
[inhales deeply] [exhales sharply]
'Cause I've seen some things, things
that'll give you nightmares.
DEPUTY: Like what?
I wouldn't want to burden you with that knowledge.
Oh.
[ominous music]
Whoa!
Oh.
Ah!
Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name!
Whoa, Deputy!
Whoa.
I think it's a fighter jet from the military base.
What?
A fighter jet.
What?
It was just a flyover.
Relax.
Oh.
Well, at least I got to fire my sidearm.
Yeah.
Yeah, you did.
I guess I got my wish.
Yeah.
[chuckles]
Just get in the car.
False alarm.
Huh?
Oh, OK.
[music playing]
Oh, welcome to Uranus.
Can I grab you a nuts?
I beg your pardon?
Redneck Nutz.
Maybe I can pack your fudge.
[growls]
Or maybe I can show you around Uranus.
I'm looking for Luke McCormick.
Where is he?
He's not here.
He went to lunch.
Where?
I don't know.
He'll be back soon.
Has Luke shown any abnormal behavior?
I'll be quite honest.
I've never seen Luke's abs to know whether they're normal
or not.
But Roy on the other hand, he ain't got any abs.
Has he been acting strange?
Roy's kind of an off brand Jack Black, so I'd say yes.
Not Roy, Luke.
Has Luke been exhibiting anything irregular?
Oh, that
Well, ma'am, I understand that this is Uranus and all,
but you don't want to see whether Luke
is irregular or regular, if you catch my drift.
Oh, that's my ear.
Oh, that hurts.
I don't have time for your games.
I'm with the utility company.
Give me a call the second you see Luke McCormick.
He must have run up quite the bill.
He has.
Thanks for coming in Uranus.
Goodbye, Luke.
Hello, Mr. Mayor Cletus.
[laughs] Hey!
What the fudge, Tiffany?
That is not what we're doing!
There's nothing like a little tickle in your anus.
Get off me!
LUKE: Roy, do you have any dreams?
Huh?
Do you have dreams and goals?
I've always wanted to solve a Sudoku puzzle in under an hour.
I mean, like, is it your dream to stay here
and do this forever?
Wouldn't that be awesome, staying
here with my best friend, making poop jokes all day.
Zero drama.
Did you ever want to go out and see what else is out there?
Like you did?
Yeah.
Would you come with me?
Why?
It's a scary world out there.
[both shriek]
And what if there's more people like this?
Bad kitty!
That's a bad kitty!
Go home!
Go back to the shop!
How do you pay her?
I pay her in kibble.
It's not even cat kibble.
It's dog kibble.
But for real.
Hypothetically, you could do anything in the world
that you wanted that would make you happy.
What would you do?
I'm too stupid to do what I want.
Not as dumb as the guy who moved back in with his mom
after his business failed.
Who's that?
Maybe not.
Dude, I'm talking about me, Roy.
Oh, yeah.
Because you-- you left and you moved back.
And now you live with your mom. - That's enough.
ROY: And--
What would make you happy?
Mm.
Dog farm.
What?
- Dog farm. - Yeah.
No, I heard you the first time.
What is a dog farm?
You know when parents tell their kids when
their dog's getting old, OK, kids, we're going
to take the dog to the farm?
Yeah.
I want to be that farm.
So you want to kill dogs?
No!
I don't want to kill dogs.
I want to take care of them, you know, help them
be happy through their their last day, take care of the dogs
that people don't want.
Maybe there's, like, a puppy farm for people.
OK.
So you want to board dogs?
If I got enough dogs, they wouldn't be bored.
Oh, and a wife.
What does she look like?
I have no idea.
But she has the same quality that I look for in every woman.
No sense of smell?
No, no.
She's gotta like me.
Hmm.
Because even if she likes me just a little bit,
I can take that little like and turn it into love.
That's cute and sad all at the same time, Roy.
You work with what you got.
Yeah.
What about you?
What would you do if you could do anything you wanted?
I don't know.
I don't know if I'd want to stay in this town or not,
but I want to be somewhere where I feel like I belong
and I feel like I'm important, you know.
Like, maybe have a big business or invent something, you know?
Just do something people remember me for, you know?
Something big that Uranus will never forget.
Yeah.
I know I didn't want to come back here, that's for sure.
Not even for Diana?
I don't know, man.
Speaking of which, are we going out tonight or what?
Dude, I don't want to bump into Diana.
Can I bump into her?
Hey!
Kidding.
But seriously, why not?
Why don't you want to go out?
Dude, you know why--
Beau.
She did not look excited to see Beau.
She did look excited to spend time with you.
Well, she did say that.
And, hey, if it all falls through,
you can at least wingman for your best friend.
You're not my best friend.
I'm going to ignore that you said that because we
just had a really nice moment.
[scoffs]
Break's up.
We should probably get back to Uranus.
[blows raspberry]
[music playing]
Hey, why don't you holster that thing?
Yes, sir.
Donut crust everywhere.
Here, you want one?
No, thank you.
You sure?
These are really good.
I had one.
Well, I know.
I don't need another one.
A good one always deserves a second one.
No, no, no.
I'm good.
OFFICER [ON RADIO]: Transport is on the way.
All units respond.
I'm here.
That's a 10-25.
I wish you'd let me-- oop.
[growling]
Do you hear that?
Yeah, it sounded like a bear.
Or a cougar.
We should check that out.
OK.
[growling]
Ah!
Sheriff, they got me!
[growling]
Earl?
It's going down south!
What the heck is that?
- You feeling all right? - No!
We'll get you down to the station,
get you sobered up, all right?
Oh, man, you don't look so good.
Oh, what's happening?
[slug screeches]
[dramatic music]
[growling]
[dramatic music]
[phone rings]
The rocket has landed.
What?
The cock has hollered and is now roosting at the roost.
Excuse me?
The knuckle's been buckled.
Are you speaking in a code implying that Luke
McCormick has returned?
Yes.
[sighs] All right.
Keep him there.
We will be there shortly.
Johnson, it's time to go.
Stop playing Candy Crush.
[phone chimes]
[chuckles malevolently] I know what you're up to.
Oh!
Cletus, you-- nice shorts.
Man, I hope you don't catch a cold.
It's so breezy.
Don't you patronize me.
I know you're up to something.
You know what, Cletus?
If you can tell me what the word "patronize"
means, I'll gladly tell you exactly what I'm up to.
You think you can just abandon your town
and then waltz right back in, be a mediocre fudge packer,
nut grabber, and wear long pants and just
charm your way to the top?
Look, I didn't leave and abandon the town.
I just went to college and I got a real job.
You think you're better than me?
Yeah, just a little bit.
Why don't you tell me what's bothering you, Daisy Duke?
I know the mayor's looking at you to replace him.
That's not true.
When he retires, there's going to be a huge hole in Uranus,
and nobody can fill it!
[crying]
Cletus.
He's the father I always wanted!
Handsome, smart, and humble.
You know, he's a dilf too.
Suited to loving fudge.
Stop it.
You're scaring the customers.
Welcome to Uranus.
Keep it together.
Look, walk with me.
I don't care about being the mayor.
You're just saying that because you
want to be humble like him.
No, no, no, no.
I actually-- I don't care.
You know who I think would do a great job at it is you.
You do?
Yeah, you'd be great at it.
I might just walk upstairs and tell him
you're the man for the job.
I see what you're trying to do.
You're trying to get me off my guard.
That way, bam, you can sneak up and take
me down with your master plan.
Why is this the craziest day?
You know what, Cletus?
Guess what?
I don't care.
I don't care about Uranus.
I don't care about packing fudge.
I don't care about picking your anus.
I don't care about Redneck Nutz.
I don't care about talking about the big black cock.
[cock crows]
You know what, Cletus?
I don't care about anything!
You want to be the mayor?
You can do it, all right?
I'm out, dude!
Get some pants!
Huzzah!
No.
No, Luke, come back.
Oh, fudge!
Hey, Luke.
Not now, dude!
You stupid cat!
Hey, what's wrong?
You want to know what's up?
Yeah, yeah. What's wrong?
It's Cletus.
It's this stupid town.
It's that stupid cat.
That's why I was excited to get out of here, man.
It's going to be OK, all right?
Everything's fine.
Everything's chill.
I'm out, dude.
Wait, you're out?
What does out mean?
Like, leaving?
Luke, are you leaving?
Wait, just-- so you're leaving?
Luke, are you leaving?
I see you getting in your--
don't leave.
Luke, don't you start that car.
Luke, don't leave.
Luke, are you leaving?
Luke, come back.
Luke!
Oh, this is bad.
I gotta smooth this over.
I'm going to go check on--
go back to the shop!
[crying softly]
Why are we here?
Oh, thank you for meeting me by the big black cock, Tiffany.
I want to make a formal complaint.
Luke berated me in front of the customers and--
and all the other staff members just so he could make himself
look like he fits the mayor role even better.
He took away my power.
Oh, I see it in your eyes.
He made you think that I'm crazy.
Oh, he's good.
He's playing chess, and I'm--
I'm stuck here playing boggle.
Checkers?
What?
Checkers.
The term is "checkers."
It's not "boggle."
I don't like checkers.
I like boggle.
No, that's not the point.
Oh, hey, Sheriff.
Earl, you don't look so good.
What's he doing?
What are you doing?
No!
[both scream]
Welcome to Uranus.
Hello.
Welcome to Uranus, indeed.
I'm looking for Luke McCormick.
Do you know where he is?
I don't know.
He and Cletus had a big, big fight, and he left.
Not as big as you, though, big boy.
Hello.
It is imperative that I find him.
Who would know where he is?
Oh, you just look like a tree I could scurry up all day.
[mimics squirrel] Oh, squirrel wants her candy.
OK, excuse me, Luke McCormick?
Excuse me.
I heard you the first time, and my answer is still the same.
I don't know.
What say we ditch this frigid lady
and you sling me over your big, broad shoulders
like a sack of apples?
Hey, can you have someone watch
the sideshow museum for me?
Not now, Roy.
Mama's working.
Oh, sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt.
Try the number two.
It's amazing.
Luke might be going through something right now.
And so I just want to go check on and make
sure he's OK, all right?
Luke McCormick?
Yeah.
No.
Wait, who are you?
Tourists.
We heard Luke packs the best fudge.
You just give me five minutes and you'll forget all about Luke
packing anything.
Luke does pack a mean fudge.
[romantic music]
Uh, yeah.
I'm going to leave you in good hands.
Not her hands.
But you're beautiful.
I mean, Uranus is beautiful.
It's a beautiful day in Uranus.
Shh.
Bye.
OK.
We need to split up.
You stay here in case he circles back.
I'll follow this lead and bring in Luke.
Don't mingle with the locals.
Things are about to get messy in Uranus.
Call me!
I'll pack your fudge.
[horn honks]
[growling]
What the heck?
Hey, Mom, did you leave the door unlocked?
Mom?
[growling]
Mom?
[growling]
[ominous music]
[growling]
Mom?
Mom, are you in my room?
Hey.
Oh, my--
[gibberish]
What are you doing here?
Did I scare you?
No, I just like to scream and I like to fudge my pants!
- Did you fudge your pants? - No.
It's just a figure of speech, Roy.
'Cause it's cool if you fudged your pants.
It's-- I mean, fudge happens.
What are you doing here?
Well, you were really upset at the fudge factory.
And I was nervous that you were going to run away,
so I wanted to come here and make sure you were OK.
Dude, I wasn't running away.
I just needed some space.
[growling]
What's your mom up to in there?
We're coming in!
Whoa, don't talk to your mom like that.
She's a nice lady.
Dude, I don't even know who it is.
That's not my mom in there.
Oh.
We're coming in.
We're-- no, no, no, no.
You come in.
I don't want to.
You said you wanted to help me?
This is help.
[stutters]
Ready?
OK, fine.
I'll help you with this.
It's probably just a raccoon or a possum.
But then everything goes back to normal, OK?
And you put on a smiley face and we go back to the fudge factory
and have a great time. - Fine!
- Fine. - Fine.
Fine.
1, 2, 3.
[alien growls]
[dramatic music]
[alien screeches]
[both scream]
[alien screeches]
[both scream]
[alien screeches]
[both scream]
[alien screeches]
Oh!
Dude!
Roy!
No!
Oh, Roy!
Roy!
[music playing]
Luke?
Yeah.
You're still there?
Yeah.
This is crazy, man.
I thought I was going to die.
Roy, what's going on, man?
This is Orcinian.
[groans]
Oh, my bad.
This is an Orcinian.
And his name doesn't really translate to English, but it
kind of sounds like "Julie."
It's on a mission to hunt down Zamik?
How do you know that, Roy?
This is how they communicate.
They don't use speech.
They communicate by sharing their thoughts
and feelings through, um, mouth to mouth contact.
So you're making out with that thing?
A little.
Cool.
Yeah.
Can you ask Julie if, um, it knows where my mom is or--?
Yeah, just a second.
[speaking alien language]
This is wild.
I'm getting, like, a thousand years of alien culture
uploaded into my brain.
Roy, my mom?
Julie doesn't know where Patty is,
but it's likely she's been enslaved by Zamik.
Well, can you just ask her if she just--
They.
- What? - They.
I don't know what that means.
They!
She isn't really accurate.
They read all my thoughts about Earth culture
and want you to know that they don't really have genders.
They're more like plants.
OK.
Accuracy is very important to them.
How about if I just call them Julie?
[speaking alien language]
Julie's OK with that.
Now ask Julie if she knows why my mom was enslaved by a Zamik.
Zamik, just Zamik.
It's a proper noun.
So Zamik is the name of--
Screw syntax and grammar, Roy!
Who is Zamik, and why does he have my mom?
Zamik is a hive mind alien slug
who takes over his host to survive
and multiplies inside them to take over more people.
His goal is always world domination.
The Orcinians banished him to the methane planet
in our solar system we call Uranus.
The Orcinians sent Julie to capture Zamik
before he destroys our world.
Well, how does he take people or enslave them?
He takes over his host by--
What?
Ew!
Zamik ass-similates people.
Yeah.
No, I get it, assimilates.
That's what cults and hive mind aliens do
and rich essential oil moms.
No, Zamik assimilates people in the butt.
Assimilating people into his slug army
means going into people's butts and ass-similating them
in the butt.
Oh, my god.
Zamik is a butt slug.
So Zamik has ass-similated my mom.
Probably not her first time.
[speaking alien language]
Dude.
Sorry.
I need to sit down.
Oh.
ROY: Zamik landed on the Orcinians homeworld
and offered a symbiotic peace.
It was a trap, though.
Zamik enslaved millions of Orcinians,
taking over their minds, linking them to his.
Julie is the last of the rebel force
who knows how to stop Zamik.
She wants to know if we remember seeing a white shell.
Earl.
[ominous music]
This is my fault.
Freeze!
[gunshots]
You shot Julie!
It attacked me first!
That's how they greet each other!
They talk that way.
They were saying hi!
That's unfortunate.
Keep your hands where I can see them!
Who are you?
I'm Agent Vickers with NAPA.
NAPA?
Like, auto parts?
It's the National Alien Protection Agency.
And, by the way, we had the name first.
You're doing a bang up job protecting aliens.
I'll say.
It's not protection for aliens.
It's protection from aliens.
Roy, did Julie say anything about how to get my mom?
She's with us.
Oh.
- Oh. - Good.
Oh, good.
Is she safe?
Mm, relatively speaking.
What does that mean?
It means she's as safe as she can
be with extraterrestrial life forms on the loose.
Look, I--
AGENT VICKERS: Keep your hands up!
LUKE: Look, I need to see her.
Yeah, he loves his mom.
I can take you to her, but I need to know if you've
been infected by the alien.
Ass-similated No, he's not ass-similated.
Ass-similated?
It's a lot to explain.
If you want, I could--
You just take me to my mom, please?
OK, OK.
I am choosing to trust the two of you right now.
Do you want me-- both of them down?
AGENT VICKERS: Put your hands down.
Let's go.
Don't play with her.
Let's go.
Wait.
What about Julie?
Who's Julie?
Alien.
Ooh.
This is ridiculous.
There is an impending alien invasion.
Well, you shouldn't have shot Julie.
Bow your heads.
We are wasting time!
Bow your head, GI Jane.
I will slap the shit--
Shit!
The sooner we get this done with,
the sooner we can get out of here.
What can be said of Julie, the rebel alien
from another planet who gave their life to save ours?
We connected on such a deep level.
We shared everything-- my hopes, my dreams, fears, desires.
Your death will not be in vain.
Julie.
Um.
Julie gave us conclusive evidence that we
are not alone in the universe.
And while that is a terrifying thought,
it's comforting to know that they were looking out for us.
That was beautiful, Luke.
Thank you, Roy.
[somber music]
[music stops]
What?
[sighs]
[somber music]
I'm sorry I shot you.
[clears throat]
[sighs] And thank you for the intel.
Before Julie's untimely death, they
passed on the knowledge of how to defeat
Zamik and save the Earth.
And they also passed on this poem,
which I will now share in the original orcadian tongue.
Roy?
Oh, ah.
Oh, oh. AGENT VICKERS: Wait.
- Roy? - Wait.
Oh, oh.
Wait.
- Roy, stop, stop, stop. - Wait.
Roy. Roy!
Roy, stop. - Guys, I'm in the middle of it.
Just wait. It's really beautiful.
- Wait, they said what? - Let me--
--how to do--
Roy, stop! Stop!
What?
That is kind of an important detail, Roy.
I was going to tell you.
I'm mourning a dear friend right now.
OK, but you've only known her for 15 minutes.
But our minds shared centuries.
Then she'll understand-- or excuse me,
they, they will understand why we have to go right now.
You show me where my mom is, and Roy will
tell you how to defeat Zamik.
We have to go. - Who is Zamik?
Well, I'll fill you in.
But we got to make a stop first.
15 minutes?
Are you kidding me?
It was mouth to mouth contact!
Who cares?
[ominous music]
[slug screeches]
Oh, what--
I'm scared, Luke.
Your mom is in there.
But I want to remind you that your mother is safe.
I don't like where this is going.
LUKE: OK.
She is fine, but--
Great, another "but."
Roy.
She was brought here for observation.
Why is she being observed?
Your mother was assimilated by Zamik.
[clears throat] Ass-similated.
Ass-similated.
Accuracy is important.
We needed to keep her in a secure location
until we knew what we were dealing with.
Oh, great.
The government's just kidnapping people
now just for their own safety.
Listen, you naive manchild!
I am trying to save the planet.
And I'm sorry I shot your alien friend.
Against my better judgment, I tried to make amends
by helping you bury them, despite the fact
that a parasitic butt slug has invaded your hometown
and is threatening to enslave the world!
Now, if the next words out of your little tiny bird mouth
are anything but helpful, I will shove
my Italian leather boot so far up your ass,
you will gain a new nationality.
Do you understand me?
I said, do you understand me?
How can I talk?
You said not to talk unless it was about Zamik.
Oh, my god.
What is happening to me?
LUKE: Roy, just show us how to stop Zamik.
OK.
Mom?
It's like Guantanamo Bay in here.
It's nice.
It's nice in here.
It was necessary.
Mom?
I can promise you, that is not your mom in there.
All right, step back.
[music playing]
[growls]
[music playing]
Hurry.
Hurry up.
I'm-- I'm sorry, Miss Patty.
[music playing]
[music stops]
[music playing]
That's it?
I think so.
[growls]
I thought you said this was going to work.
It is.
Julie specifically put salt in my mind.
There's gotta be another way to it.
What do you think it could be, then?
They didn't have to eat it?
[screams] [grunts]
[music playing]
Mom?
[growls]
OK, OK.
Well, plug her nose.
Plug her nose.
Got it.
Come on.
Open it.
Open your mouth.
Ah!
This isn't working, Roy.
Give it a minute! Give it a minute!
Did you use the right kind of salt?
I don't know.
Maybe I should have got the pink Himalayan.
Argh!
Oh.
Mom?
[stomach rumbling]
[screams]
Oh!
Oh.
AGENT VICKERS: Oh, no.
I'm going to be sick.
Miss Patty.
LUKE: Mom.
Are you OK?
- Mom? - Miss Patty?
Mom.
You're somewhere safe.
What's happening?
You're safe.
Here.
Roy. Roy, I got it.
I got it.
OK.
OK, you help your mom.
Yeah, don't look that way.
Oh.
No, no, no.
We got to get out of here. He's on his way.
He's coming. - Who?
Who? - He's coming.
Zamik, Earl!
They are on their way here right now.
They have Tiffany, and--
and the deputy, and the Sheriff, and your partner.
This facility is compromised.
We have to go. - Wait, how do you know that?
I thought this was a safe place.
BOTH: Their minds are linked.
That's why you had the bag on their head.
They could see everything that was going on.
We suspected that they may operate as a hive mind.
We did that as a precaution to ensure that she
didn't give away our position.
I thought I was trapped in a nightmare when
you had that bag over my head.
Oh, Zamik could see and hear everything.
He knows.
He knows that you know his weakness.
It's time for plan B.
What happened to plan A?
Plan A was a quiet, tactical removal of the threat.
Zamik outnumbers us, and there is no clear path to success.
Plan B is slash and burn.
When you say slash and burn, what do you mean?
A military force fire bombs the entire city
and leaves no traces of its existence.
You can't just erase an entire city.
They can, and they have.
Taured, Villa Epicun, Angikuni, Ashley, Hoer Verde, Centralia.
I haven't heard of any of these places.
Exactly.
You kill innocent people.
To save the world?
Yes.
So what happens to us?
The government will relocate you
and cover your expenses for life in exchange for your silence.
New place, new life--
it's a win-win scenario.
How is that a win-win scenario?
Isn't there something else we can do?
Zamik has already taken over the law
enforcement in this town, and he knows my covert tactics.
Luckily, he doesn't know about plan B
because my partner never knew about it.
It's over.
Leave and survive, or stay and die.
That's not much of a choice.
Sometimes all we have is one bad choice.
Luke?
No.
No, I'm not leaving this town again.
This is my town.
I'm going to save it.
Let's go, Roy.
Yeah, let's kick some slug ass.
You can't face off against an alien force like this
without a plan.
No, I have a plan.
And it's-- in this case, it's salt.
Yeah, salt. Wait, what's the plan?
You don't have any tactics, and you don't
know how to draw them out.
No, no.
So basically, this is a war of attrition scenario.
And this tiny town will be destroyed
before it even gets that far.
Hold up.
Roy has ancient alien knowledge uploaded into his brain
from Julie.
My mom can tell us everything that she knows about Zamik.
That's what we've got.
Yeah.
I'd really rather not.
It's very uncomfortable.
Is it your butt?
Oh, don't-- yeah, it is.
I'm sorry you were ass-similated Miss Patty.
We really need to double up on underwear.
Yeah.
We'll get underwear from the fudge factory.
That'll keep us from getting ass-similated.
That's right.
Could you stop calling attention to the fact
that the alien enters through your anus?
It's "Uranus."
That's not how you pronounce the planet.
Wait, wait.
I'm not talking about the planet.
I'm talking about the Uranus Fudge Factory.
Exactly.
Listen, we need to get to the fudge factory, right now.
They have salt!
Exactly.
Agent Vickers, we need your help saving our town, please.
Please.
We can't do it without you.
[sighs] Let's go.
Yeah, we got it.
I'm--
All right.
[ominous music]
Where are humans?
Judy's Place.
[ominous music]
[siren wailing]
[music playing]
All right, let's go.
No, wait.
There's one more thing that I have to tell you.
If anyone posts about this alien invasion online,
the immediate destruction of the town will be imminent
and there will be nothing I can do about it.
Wait, just like that?
What about you and your partner? - Yeah.
We knew the risks.
You have any heart to go with the ice you're
carrying around in your chest?
Also, if NAPA HQ does not hear from me by midnight,
they will assume the worst, and the town's destruction
will still happen anyway.
Do you have anything positive to add to this dilemma?
For real!
You're just, like, dog piling everything on right now.
I don't think I do.
But how do we find Zamik?
Julie said after he ass-similates
a handful of people, he's going to focus on mass production.
So--
Where do a bunch of people gather on a Friday night?
Judy's place.
Mom, I'm going to need you to go into Uranus kitchen
and start making this.
You'll find all the ingredients right there in the factory.
- Where are you going? - Excuse me.
I need to borrow this car. - I'm coming with you.
You go to the kitchen and help Miss Patty.
Do you want to run that by me again?
Or you can choose whatever you want to do.
Because strong, independent women can choose where--
This car doesn't go anywhere without me.
Well, I don't really mind going to the kitchen.
Luke, you be careful, OK?
Roy, watch his back.
OK.
I love you.
I love you, too.
She wasn't talking to you.
She was talking to me. - She was looking at both of us.
Dude-- I love you, too.
She looked at both of us.
She--
- She said "I love you" to me-- - She never would have said so.
- --and you. - Dude, whatever.
She loves both of us.
OK, OK.
Where is Judy's Place?
[upbeat music]
Luke. Luke.
Luke, what are we doing here?
I've got to save Diana before Zamik shows up.
How?
Are you going to casually ask her to leave town?
You think that would work?
No!
Think about it!
You can't tell her the truth.
Because if you tell her the truth,
then she's going to tell someone else,
and then they're going to tell someone else,
and then everyone's going to find out,
then everybody's going to die!
Dude, dude, I have to try something.
I got to go. I got to try.
No.
Hey!
Five minutes.
Midnight.
Midnight, man!
Where is he going?
He's thirsty.
Did we really come here for a girl?
Hey, this might be her last night on Earth.
He's seizing the moment.
This is a waste of time.
Love is never a waste of time.
Then why aren't you running off declaring
your love to some girl?
I'm still looking for her.
OK.
Well, then hurry and find her so that we can do this
and start saving the world.
Sorry.
When I say I'm still looking for her,
I mean I am literally still looking for her
because I haven't found--
I'm-- I'm alone in life.
This makes this easy then.
Wait, what?
What are you waiting for?
Right now?
I'm waiting.
[romantic music]
Oh, no.
No. God, no.
- Oh. - Not that.
- Oh. - Luke.
Oh, god.
- Go get Luke. - Luke.
Now!
Not this.
I thought-- I--
I misread that.
I'm sorry.
[chatter]
Hey, Diana.
Hey.
Hey, you made it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, wouldn't miss it.
Hey, Luke.
Hi, G-- ah--
Janice.
Janice, I knew it.
Yeah, nice to meet you, Janice, to see you again, Janice.
You look great. - Thank you.
Have you been here for a while?
No, we actually just got here.
Oh.
But where is Roy?
Janice is so excited to meet him.
Yeah, mama's tired of nursing this drink here.
That's-- that's really great, Janice.
He seems like he might still be good to drive.
I was just wondering, do you, um--
do you, like, maybe want to get out of here
and, like, I don't know, go drive up to, like,
St. Louis or something tonight?
You want to drive two hours to St. Louis tonight?
I think it'd be fun.
So a cute guy at the bar wants girl to drive away with him
in the middle of the night?
Yeah.
No, that is the beginning of a true crime podcast.
Yeah, OK, except I'm not a creep, OK?
JANICE: [chuckles]
No, no, no.
I was thinking maybe you could just drive up
there by yourself without me, and I
can meet you up there later.
JANICE: Aw.
And I can buy you a nice dinner--
JANICE: Yeah.
--or something tonight.
That's-- no, that's weird.
It's weird.
Not going.
Yeah, I'm not going to St. Louis tonight.
Sorry.
Oh, OK.
Oh.
Woo!
Hey, Luke, we gotta get out of here.
[arguing]
I'm trying, dude.
I'm trying.
Hey, Roy.
Hey.
Wow, you look great.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Wow, you look more great.
That's Roy?
Yeah.
I'm gonna need another drink.
- We gotta get out of here. - I know.
I know. - Right now.
Yeah.
No, I get it.
I, um, kind of just maybe want to, like, get out of here.
This place is kind of lame, don't you think?
Hey, I'm revoking your loyalty privileges.
Gosh dang it!
Luke, you've lost our loyalty privileges!
We may not have loyalty privileges Roy.
Why is it not a good place to be here tonight?
Um.
Are you going to order something?
You're taking up real estate.
No. No, no.
I'm good.
Good, thank you.
You can't stay here if you're not going to order something.
OK.
Um.
OK, how about this?
My friend here will have a rum and a Coke with a cherry.
Hold the rum, all right?
Yeah.
What's the matter?
You can't handle your alcohol, shorty?
I'm fun-sized.
And what's with the cherry?
It's equally as fun.
Well, well, well, well.
Not now, Beau.
Well, well, well, well, well.
Luke made it after all.
Is that a cherry?
Oh, yeah.
He got a cherry in his drink.
Have you talked to Earl today?
Don't talk about my dad.
I think he's on something.
I don't know what.
I'm just a little scared that he's going to come in here
and start one of his classic fights.
And I think it would be good for all of us
to just leave and avoid it altogether.
And I don't want anybody to get hurt.
He couldn't hurt me if he tried.
We've all dealt with one of Earl's
drunken fights or advances.
Everyone will be fine.
Yeah, it's not everyone I'm worried about.
If you're so worried about Earl, why don't you get lost?
Since that's what you're good at.
Why don't I just stay here and I'll show
you what else I'm good at?
[chuckles nervously] Hey, Luke, we need to go.
No, no, no.
I think I'm gonna stay right here, Roy.
No.
No!
Carbonation-- carbonation kills.
Luke, let's go!
Wait, how about you go?
I'm sorry, you have to be this tall to ride the man ride.
Am I right?
What is happening.
I mean, really, Diana?
This guy?
Will you stop it?
No, I have an idea.
I'll take Lukey boy.
You take Beau.
And let's get out of here.
DIANA: How many drinks have you had?
JANICE: Not enough, I'll tell you that.
ROY: Does she know we can hear her?
LUKE: I don't know that she knows that.
ROY: I don't understand what's happening.
JANICE: Oh, jeez.
Are you ugly and stupid?
LUKE: Whoa.
Cute top.
Remember that cow that attacked you?
Like, what? Good one.
Roy.
It's funny.
You left me all alone.
I was getting so scared without my strong, cuddly gummy bear.
Uh, I-- who?
[shushes] I just wanted to make sure that no skank
nabbed my bearded teddy, but I see
I have nothing to worry about.
[giggles softly]
What is this?
I love cherries.
Oh, you're so thoughtful, babe.
What is this?
This is, uh--
Valerie.
I'm this stud's date tonight.
Oh, and you are?
Janice.
Anice?
Janice.
J-a-nice.
Mm, I don't see it.
I just came into town tonight.
And I just saw this sexy stump of a man.
And I just begged him to show me around my anus--
oh, [giggles] Uranus tonight, right
after he gives me a foot massage with those wide, blocky hands.
[romantic music]
Valerie's new.
Hey.
Oh.
I'm Beau.
Ew, your nails are dirty.
Roy, please show me around Uranus.
I really want to see it.
But-- but--
Luke.
I'm sure that Luke understands what's at stake here.
And he can send you a text if anything happens.
OK?
We really gotta go.
Hmm?
Right, we gotta-- we gotta go.
We gotta go.
[giggles] Yay!
We gotta go.
Bye, Anice.
Your hair is so brave.
It's Janice!
AGENT VICKERS: Oh, sorry.
I didn't hear you.
Bye!
Oh, now I know what that stands for-- burned.
Let's find a table.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Well, you can thank me later if we survive
and avoid ass-similation.
No, really, thank you.
I mean, not a lot of people say nice things about me.
Roy, I barely know you.
Just because I said a few nice things about you
doesn't mean this is a love story.
I know it was pretend, but--
Uh, uh, uh.
No buts.
That girl needed an ego check, and we gave her one.
Yeah, but square palms is an odd characteristic to point out.
We need to go.
I'm just saying, I think you look good too.
Don't stare at me while I walk away, please.
Try not to walk in front of me then.
Think you two can behave?
I can if he can, babe.
Anything for you.
So, why did you leave town?
Sorry.
Yeah, I went to college, and then I got a job at a marketing
firm making commercials.
That must have been really cool.
Yeah.
It's not tractor rentals, but whatever.
OK.
So-- but then you came back here?
I decided to go into business for myself.
So I took out a loan and I went to work.
Amazing.
So you became your own boss.
LUKE: Yeah.
That is hot.
Cheers.
I feel like there's a "but" coming.
I got sued by my old job for apparently
violating a non-compete clause.
I went bankrupt because they sued me.
And I went deep into legal fees and got choked out.
Oh.
I've been choked, too.
Just a little.
It could be fun.
[chatter]
Oh.
Hey, Roy.
Hey, Mr. Mayor.
Who's your friend?
Oh.
Uh, this is Valerie.
Roy told me that he works at the coolest place.
And he wanted to show me around.
Roy says that Uranus is pretty fun.
Hey, have you guys seen Miss Tiffany?
I, um-- I don't know if she called me earlier
and said something about some sort of special packaging.
Special packaging?
It's some sort of moisture-sealing technology.
It's supposed to keep the fudge from Uranus from going dry.
Uranus fudge never dries out.
It's always soft and moist.
I know.
I thought it was odd.
But I did get her a thousand boxes to test.
Zamik is using fudge boxes to ship himself across the country.
Mr. Mayor.
Yes?
Would it be OK if Roy showed me around Uranus?
[chuckles] A little late night exploring of Uranus?
Yeah.
That's OK with me.
Oh, there's Miss Tiffany.
You guys go have some fun exploring Uranus.
I got to talk to Miss Tiffany before I head home.
Thank you. MR. MAYOR: Yeah.
Mr. Mayor.
We've got to go.
But what if he gets ass-similated
We need to focus and stick to the plan.
[groans] OK.
That really sucks.
Yeah, it did a lot.
You look like the type of guy that that
would happen to, though.
Thank you, Beau.
And you look like the type of guy
that I would never, ever hire.
Oh, yeah.
I see it.
You can't hire the guy who's already at the top.
Cheers to nobody but Beau.
[laughs]
He's just so funny.
Miss Tiffany, where are you?
I've got your boxes.
Where are ya?
Oh.
Oh, there you are.
Tiffany, what are you doing back here?
[ominous music]
What the--
[slug screeches]
Oh, my god!
Miss Patty, what have you been doing?
You're supposed to be making the salty balls.
I'm sorry.
It just took me a little while to find everything.
So-- many hands make light work.
So let's-- help me.
Yeah.
OK, let's go.
MISS PATTY: How do we do this again?
Oh, it's really easy.
You just take some flour, throw some brown sugar in.
And then get the eggs.
And boom, salty balls.
[chuckles softly]
Can we please call it something else?
No, just call it what it is, salty caramel balls.
Oh. No, no, no, no, no.
If Zamik smells or hears anything salty,
he's not going to eat it.
That's a good point.
We should think of different names for it, then.
What about Uranus caviar?
Ew!
Uranus caviar?
There is a line in Uranus, and you just crossed it.
Sorry.
No, I'm just kidding.
I love it.
What else you got?
Savory sacks.
Dingleberries.
MISS PATTY: Ooh!
Oh, buttery balls.
They go down so smooth.
Butter balls.
Are you OK?
You look nervous.
I haven't really told anybody else that story
except for my mom and Roy.
It's probably why I'm a little on edge.
You need a drink.
I--
Just take it.
You're stressing me out.
Oh, that is straight up vodka.
Let me try that.
Oh!
Ah!
[burps] That's vodka.
You know, I started a business.
Wait, you did?
Yeah.
So I totally understand that financial pressure.
You know, like, starting out small
and then building up from there, it can be really scary.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Wow.
Well, how much money are you making?
Um.
It's 10 a month.
No.
Oh, $10 a month.
That's so sweet.
It's $10,000 a month, Beau. $10,000!
If you're making $10,000 a month,
how come I'm always buying the chips and the drinks?
Because you offer.
What are you selling?
Wait, let me guess.
It's pictures of your feet, isn't it?
Come on.
I'm sure Diana doesn't sell pictures of her feet.
I mean, yeah.
That's part of it.
I knew it.
No, no, no.
But like, it's-- I sell socks.
So it's pictures of my feet, but they're inside of the socks.
So it's not weird.
There's no toes.
Like, not even one.
I'm so proud of you.
It's really cool.
Cheers to that, babe.
I've always wondered why you steal my truck
to go ship all those boxes.
Yeah, shipping is a pain.
[ominous music]
Speaking of pain, Earl's here.
[ominous music]
Meow.
Oh, good.
Earl and the sheriff and the deputy are here.
That's really good because they're here,
and there's no need to worry, and they
don't have any evil plans.
I've got to use the bathroom.
When you got to go, you gotta go.
[chatter]
Usual tonight, Earl?
Whiskey.
[ominous music]
More.
[ominous music]
Another.
[ominous music]
More.
Now, Earl, listen.
Take it slow tonight, OK?
How about you finish the one right there,
and then I'll pour you another one?
Pour.
[ominous music]
Hey, Earl.
Maybe you go home early tonight.
You don't look too good.
And did something happen between you and Luke?
You've got him scared like you're
about to do something stupid.
I'm not scared of you.
You will be.
[dramatic music]
[phone ringing]
Oh, hold on.
[phone ringing]
Whoa, it's Luke.
Hey, Luke.
Is that my Lukey?
Roy. Roy.
Roy, he's here.
Hey, Lukey.
Shh.
Zamik's here.
Yeah, we're almost ready.
Hurry.
He's not going to wait here all night.
I'm hurrying.
Jeez!
I-- Hi, Sheriff.
[ominous music]
Hey, really quick question.
You don't happen to have an alien slug
in you named Zamik, do you?
We are Zamik.
I was afraid you'd say that.
[slug screeches]
[grunting, groaning]
Sheriff!
Sheriff, I'm sorry.
Oh, god!
Oh!
[squirt]
Sheriff?
- Ah! - Sheriff.
Oh.
I just-- I just had the weirdest dream.
Oh, man.
Oh.
Oh, my god. Oh.
Oh.
Oh, it's sticky.
Oh.
[struggling] You dumb slug.
[struggling]
[stomping]
You dumb slug!
Slug!
[struggling]
Oh.
Ah.
Thank you.
No problem.
Good day.
No, no, no.
Don't go out that door.
Those folks are using alcohol to rapidly reproduce.
Everybody in that room is a goner.
[jarring music]
Fudge!
Roy, we're going to need more salty balls.
How many more?
Like, a lot more.
Like, a whole bar's worth.
We don't have enough for an entire bar's worth.
I don't know what to do.
We tried.
It's time to move to plan B.
Just wait.
It can still work.
If Zamik feels threatened, he's
going to retreat from the host and he's going to crystallize.
And he's indestructible at that state.
Well, then what do we do?
There's another way.
We don't have to stop all of 'em.
We just have to stop Earl.
When the Orcinians were fighting him,
they realized that they didn't have to fight all the spawn.
They just had to stop Zamik.
And when Zamik got launched out of his host,
then everyone else followed.
You're waiting until now to tell us this?
I have, like, a thousand years of alien culture and anatomy
bouncing around in my brain, OK?
It's hard to recall every helpful detail!
Just bring all of it that you can,
because I can't fight Zamik and get close enough to him
with just a salt shaker.
You were supposed to be watching out for each other.
I'm sorry, Miss Patty, but you're
going to have to stay here.
The hell I am.
No, Roy's right.
If you're captured, Zamik can use you
to emotionally manipulate Luke.
The best thing you can do is just wait.
Or get out of town before things get--
No, before nothing.
This plan will work.
Uranus will not be destroyed tonight.
Let's do this then.
[clattering]
What was that?
It came from the sideshow museum.
[clattering]
Come on.
No, Miss Patty.
AGENT VICKERS: Roy!
You stay.
[romantic music]
I'm not ready to be Luke's dad.
What is this place?
It's the magical, freaky side of Uranus, literally.
[shudders]
[ominous music]
Oh, fudge.
[neck cracks] Welcome to Uranus.
What are we going to do?
You know what?
I got this.
Hold my salty balls.
[music playing]
Oh.
Sorry, Johnson.
Good ball handling.
Thanks.
Nice throw.
We gotta help Luke.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
Oh.
Oh, man, we're sitting ducks in here.
All right, all right, all right.
Let's make a dash for the door.
We can do it. We can escape.
No.
We can go to someplace like Mexico before those critters
take over the world.
Sheriff, we're going to wait here till Roy comes,
and then we're going to fight Zamik.
What?
We're going to rely on Roy?
- Yeah. - Magic Roy?
Yeah.
Like, the cow that chased him and he
pissed his pants, that Roy?
Sheriff, that was back in junior high.
And we both know that cow was insane.
Listen, You think some sort of parasitic alien
is going to go easy on him instead of a cow
that beat him with its udders?
Hey, it didn't beat him with his udders.
It just looked like that because he was in the fetal position.
I'm getting out of here.
No, Sheriff. No.
- I'm getting out of here. - No, you're not.
I can't do this!
Yes, you can.
Listen to me.
They probe your every thought, strip your every desire.
You don't know who you are.
I didn't know who I was.
Man, it was so hazy.
I know it was horrible--
You-- no.
It didn't happen to you.
You're helpless when they get a hold of you.
It's like you're in some sort of hellish nightmare where
you can't distinguish between what's-- what's fake
and what's real.
[screams]
OK, they're right there.
Let's get 'em, OK?
All right, we got this.
Oh.
Oh, no!
I can't breathe.
I need to get out of here.
- No, no, no. - I--
No, no, no.
Listen, if you go out there, Zamik
is going to assimilate you and read your thoughts
and know that Roy is coming.
And that will be the end of Earth.
We will be dead.
Is that what you want?
Screw them! I'm out of here!
LUKE: Sheriff!
[shouting, clamoring]
Hey, Deputy.
Hey, big boy.
[chuckles nervously] I'm--
I want to-- oh.
Listen to me, man.
That's an order!
Let go of me.
Let go of me!
Oh!
Oh, god!
No!
Sheriff-- Joe, seriously.
Come on, guys. Come on.
No.
No!
Sheriff!
No!
I'm going to tell my mom on you, Sheriff!
Oh, she's disappointed!
No!
Ah!
Argh.
[ominous music]
You're a curious species.
You're not going to get away with this, Zamik.
Roy is going to stop you.
This Roy?
F!
Fu--
What happened to the plan?
It can still work.
Roy, an irritating noise fittingly assigned
to an insignificant smear.
Don't listen to him, Roy.
Oh, my gosh.
That was dark.
[shrieks]
No!
Ah, fuck!
It's up to you now!
Stop him!
Luke, before Zamik tries to break our minds,
remember that I am your best friend.
I'm your best friend!
Roy!
ROY: I'm your best friend!
[dramatic music]
You know they're just going to bomb the city, right?
It's almost midnight.
The threat has been eliminated.
Returning to base with assets in hand.
You failed again.
You really thought salty balls would get me.
[chortles]
What's so funny?
[laughs] Salty balls.
[chuckles] Salty balls.
Salty balls?
[laughs] You can hear it, right?
Get your salty balls in Uranus.
[laughs] Welcome, and thank you for picking Uranus.
How can I help you pack your fudge, tighten the box,
or loosen a bag?
[laughs] Oh, my god.
[laughs] Welcome to Uranus, motherfudger.
[stomach churning]
[screaming, shouting]
[music playing]
Roy?
Roy!
[mumbles]
Hey, hey, hey.
It's OK.
Did-- did we win?
Dude, we won.
We won?
- Yeah, we won, dude. - We won?
Yeah!
We won!
- [chuckles] - Wait.
- We wo-- - Wait.
No.
No, we didn't win.
We still have a big problem.
When everyone else wakes up, they're
going to remember that they were ass-similated by Zamik.
The town's still doomed!
I have an idea.
You better hope this works.
It'll work.
OK.
Uh, people of Uranus.
Wake up.
LUKE: Hey!
AGENT VICKERS: Wake up.
ROY: Whoa, whoa.
LUKE: Ho!
Ho!
AGENT VICKERS: Wake up!
ROY: Yeah.
AGENT VICKERS: Yes.
ROY: Hope everyone's OK in here.
LUKE: You all right?
That was crazy what happened.
Yikes.
Wow.
Why does my butt hurt?
Ah.
Mine feels fine.
Hm.
I'm sure that you all are feeling a little bit confused.
MAN: Yeah.
But, uh, there has been a gas leak that caused
everyone here to pass out.
Did I poop myself?
If it weren't for the very heroic actions of Luke and Roy
here and them calling the utility company,
this would have been a terrible tragedy.
Bad.
Yeah, real bad.
However, the gas leak has been fixed.
And you are all free to go on and live your life
without any further consideration
of any of the events that transpired this evening.
Yeah, don't think about it at all.
Just forget everything.
Yes.
Wait, wait, wait.
Slugs.
Alien slugs.
Earl!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Where is he?
Where's Zamik?
It's OK, Sheriff.
What you are currently experiencing
is called folie á groupe.
WOMAN: What?
It is a psychosomatic condition
that causes one strong personality's delusion to be
shared by others around them.
When the gas leak happened, Luke and Roy
overheard Earl talking about an alien slug named Zamik
that was living inside him.
That's crazy, right?
Aliens don't live inside people.
Right.
And so the gas leak simply caused you all to share
Earl's delusion as your own.
- Mm. - Mm-hmm.
Yep.
- Yeah. - That was it.
I need a mo-- all that power, we were going to rule the world.
Sheriff. EARL: The world!
He's crazy.
Would you and your deputy mind helping Earl out to my vehicle?
It's just outside. - Yeah.
We're going to get you some help, Earl.
It's OK. It's OK.
He's crazy.
I mean, he's just crazy.
DEPUTY: I just--
Something's not right here.
You know what?
You're absolutely right, Sheriff.
A gas leak is a very serious health violation.
There should be an investigation.
Agreed.
[arguing]
DEPUTY: Come on, Earl!
EARL: The car is running!
Jump in!
I'm still here, man!
DEPUTY: Go on.
EARL: Where are you?
Somebody stop them.
Um.
Oh, no.
To apologize for this oversight in public safety,
you will all be receiving a check
in the mail to alleviate any distress that this event may
have caused you.
Money.
Money, yeah.
That solves everything, right?
Yeah.
However, we do need all of you to vacate Judy's
Place as soon as possible.
And to receive your check in the mail,
you must not share any of this on social media.
Not at all.
All right, everyone, let's go.
Let's get out of here.
You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.
Tonight was weird.
Yeah.
Probably something to do with that gas leak.
Yeah.
Yeah, that was a-- that was a crazy hallucination.
It was all a hallucination.
Yeah.
Hey, Luke, I'm--
I'm sorry for being such a butt slug.
Oh, that was so weird.
And I don't know if it's the gas talking or the fudge
in my pants, but I hope we can move past this
and you forgive me.
Yeah, man.
Sure.
Yeah, all is forgiven.
That's good.
Uh, and I just need you to forget what you're about to see.
There's so much in there.
Soldier on, dude.
Um.
I should probably get home, too.
But, uh, call me soon.
I just need to shower this night off a few times.
Yeah, totally understandable.
And, uh, definitely will. - OK.
All right.
Yeah, cool.
Roy, you saved everyone.
Well, yeah.
Yeah, I did.
I saved everyone.
You hunk of a man.
You saved me.
Well, no.
It was everyone.
I sa-- I saved everyone, everyone.
Oh.
Well.
Meow.
You know what?
I think-- I think this night has gotten to you.
And you should go home and-- and think about yourself--
Yes.
--a little bit.
OK, OK.
Reevaluate your life.
I will go home and think about you all night long.
Don't do that.
I-- that's not what I said.
I don't like this.
Cleanup crew is on their way.
What?
Don't worry.
It's not the slash and burn crew.
[exhales sharply]
Oh.
I cannot believe that lie actually worked.
Yeah.
I feel like we're forgetting something, though.
The mayor!
[gasps]
Fudge!
I guess we're going.
You won't believe this crazy dream we just had.
[music playing]
Hey, everybody.
I know it's been a crazy, crazy week in Uranus.
But I want to congratulate and thank all of you for helping
me make Uranus great again!
Yeah!
[cheering]
I do have a little bit of sad news.
We're going to have to be saying goodbye to our beloved Luke.
Oh.
He's on to his next big adventure, selling pictures
of his girlfriend's feet.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We're selling socks.
Socks.
We're selling socks.
And sales in Uranus are up--
[cheering]
--thanks to Miss Tiffany's great new packaging
idea that keeps the fudge in Uranus fresh,
and more importantly--
[shouting]
ALL: Welcome to Uranus!
--moist.
Give it up for Miss Tiffany!
[cheering]
Woo, woo, woo, woo!
It came to me in a dream.
Lastly, as your handsome and very humble mayor,
I cannot in good faith deprive any of our citizens or any
of you that one thing that you all hold
so deep and dear in your heart.
So I'm going to stay on as mayor.
And I'm going to be in Uranus forever!
[cheering]
Welcome to Uranus.
ALL: Welcome to Uranus.
[phone chimes]
I'll be right back.
OK.
Just one second.
Ooh, hey.
Hey.
Dude, look at this.
Nice suit.
Is this the new you?
Turns out having a brain filled
with alien knowledge of weaponry and tactics
is really valuable to the government.
Sorry, just one second.
Get away from the car!
Bad kitty!
That's a bad kitty!
What about Zamik?
We couldn't destroy his shell.
So we put it in a case and boxed it
up and sent it to some warehouse in Area 51 and-- oh, my gosh.
I was not supposed to tell you that.
- Dude, it's OK. - Don't-- shh.
Don't tell anyone.
I promise, I won't.
I won't say anything.
That-- no.
- It's OK. - Seriously.
It's OK.
Remember the fire squad that was going to--
I know. I remember it.
It's the same thing.
I get it, dude. I get it.
- OK. - I get it.
We're good. We're good.
I'm not doing great on my first day.
You're like the new man in black.
Yeah, I guess I am.
Uh.
Yeah, I thought black was a little strong.
Because when I think of black, I think of funerals.
And when I think of funerals, I think of death.
And when I think about death, I think
of the death of our friendship. And--
Hey.
--I feel like I'm losing my best friend.
Hey, Roy.
Roy, Roy, Roy.
It's OK.
You don't want to see Agent Vickers seeing you cry, do you?
No, no, no.
Yeah.
Good.
No, no.
Woo.
Yeah, I'm good.
Yeah.
I'm good.
Yeah.
OK.
I'm going to miss you, Roy.
Really?
Yeah.
You were always there for me when I came back.
And I never told you how much that meant to me.
Even when I was whining and complaining
about literally everything, and you helped
me see the positive things.
I mean, you helped me see good things about this place.
Yeah, you complained a lot.
Yeah.
Yeah, I did.
Like, a lot, a lot.
Yeah.
Like, way more than a grown man
should complain about anything.
Roy, Roy, I get it.
Sorry, yeah.
I get it.
When am I going to see my best friend?
I'm your best friend?
Roy, you've always been my best friend.
Whoa, OK.
OK.
Well, I, uh--
I better, uh-- I better get going now.
Yep.
I'll save up some vacation days.
And make sure to play in your anus.
Thanks for picking your anus.
Be sure to send me some fudge from Uranus.
Woo!
I'll be sure to personally pack some fudge from Uranus.
Hey, Agent Vickers, let's go!
We got stuff to do, people to save!
Cat!
[inaudible]
No.
Bad kitty!
So, are you going to miss working here?
You know what?
I am.
But I'm really excited for the next adventure.
[ominous music]
[growling]
["uranus attacks theme" playing]
[SINGING] Uranus attacks
Uranus attacks your crack
Uranus attacks
Slug attack
It came from space
Now it's in your private place
The salty balls make you ahhh
Uranus attacks
[dixxie man, "front butt"] Bet you never seen a body like this
Put them boys in a stupor with my super duper fupa
Frumpa
Two sets of ass cheeks
Fellas want to get with my jigga jiggly
Pushing this boy Can you handle, handle me?
See that booty in the back
Think you're going to get a snack?
Want to chomp down on this double ass crack
Didn't know this was a two-for-one deal
See the front?
Now you got a whole meal
Now watch me strut with my front butt
Watch me jiggle
Watch me shake
Work the pavement like a runway
Strut with my front butt
Watch me jiggle
Watch me shake
Work the pavement like a runway, runway, runway, runway
[ominous music]