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I want to talk to you tonight.
Groovy.
Did you bring my chaser, stewardess?
Oh, I brought you a chaser.
Oh!
Oh, my...
Stewardess Gloria, I had no idea.
Oh, wow.
It was you. It was always you.
Has it been that obvious?
Well, every time you've come into the cockpit,
you've been naked.
Well, that is because I want you so bad.
What the hell is that?
Oh, it's nothing.
What do you mean it's nothing?
It's the Berlin Wall of sex blockers.
It's the Great Wall of China of...
But you have the key, Butch.
My father gave you the key.
Butch... Butch...
Oh, what? What? No.
Who's Butch?
I'm Barry.
-I'm not Butch. -Huh? What?
Who's Butch?
Barry? What are you doing here?
It's me, the true love of your life.
No, no, no. This is an arranged marriage.
Oh, I have to leave. I have to find Butch.
What are you, some kind of square?
There's no virgins in 1973.
But I am a virgin.
[echoing] Virgin... Virgin.
I heard you talking in your sleep.
Do you like pilots?
No.
Why are you traveling solo today?
Oh, no. My girlfriends and I are flying to D.C.
You see, I'm getting hitched to this guy.
It's kind of a last moment thing.
-Married? -Mm-hmm.
Far out.
Good evening and welcome to DTF Airlines Flight 420.
We will begin boarding our red-eye
to Washington D.C. momentarily.
Get ready and buckle up.
-Gloria! -Oh!
How's college life without me?
Boring, of course.
Of course.
Chest out stomach in. Here comes Suzy Kellerman!
Wait, are you working this flight?
Yes.
Economy with Dolores De Hado,
and you're late, Miss Kellerman.
Really? Dolores?
-Buzzkill? -She'll be fine.
The clock is ticking.
I'm sorry, Ms. Rickenbottem.
I just need to get changed real quick, ladies.
You mean this isn't your stewardess uniform?
I'm timing you.
This plane will leave without you.
They wouldn't dare.
Let's go.
Proper bachelorette parties call for proper attire.
Ooh!
I don't know. This looks a little risqué.
I know, isn't it grand?
Sweetness is here!
[squealing]
Oh, and a thousand blessings for your wonderful marriage!
Oh, Candy, don't tell me you're still
planning on becoming a nun.
Of course I am.
I'm going straight to the Vatican
after we send her off down the aisle
because God is my perfect husband.
He never cheats and always forgives me
if I ask him real nice.
Here, put this on.
Ah!
Look, this...
this is my deal with God.
This is my last hurrah.
And then I'm just going to give it up to the Lord Almighty.
So, anything goes?
Just on this plane.
Ah! It's going to be a gas!
Come on. Don't be such a square, Gloria.
Even the Lord is giving her a pass.
Praise Jesus.
Fine. I'm in like Flynn.
Yay!
Are you not changing too?
Oh, yes. I'm working on your flight.
I've got to quit this job.
I am so tired of being an actress who isn't actressing.
A model who isn't modeling.
Just as long as you give us the liquor cart
so we can keep liquor-ing.
Of course, because Gloria's getting married!
[squealing]
Oh, girls! Thank you.
I'm so happy.
This is a party, not a shrink session.
Oh, I have just the thing
to make you... wait for it.
Forget all your worry.
Candy, how'd you get that in there?
They'll put you in jail.
No, God will protect us.
And Suzy helped.
I gave Phil at security a bag.
Candy, I never pictured you as a druggie.
I'm not.
But the plane is my hall pass for the next five hours.
Now it's a party!
Before we send our beautiful Gloria off down the aisle,
we've got to make sure she is drunk,
drugged, and plugged.
before we land the plane.
I can't! I'm a virgin.
But wait, you and Barry were together for years.
You never...
I just... I couldn't. There's so much pressure.
What if I do something wrong?
Honey, you could do it so wrong
that his Johnson would break off in your vagina,
and he would still thank you.
That's reassuring.
Then don't.
Don't what? Have sex with my husband? Ever?
No, don't lose your virginity to him.
Lose it with somebody else first.
Like a practice sex.
Yeah.
-On the plane! -Yeah!
But I don't think the airline offers these kinds of services.
Sure they do.
Haven't you ever heard of the Mile High Club?
Is it like Girl Scouts but for doing it?
Yeah!
You just find some Joe Schmoe on Aisle 6B and...
Do it right there?
No, we're not animals, you do it in the bathroom!
Ew, the bathroom!
I once had a friend who did it in the luggage rack once.
I thought he was so weird.
A friend?
I don't know.
You act like it's life-changing.
It's really not. It's whatever.
If it's whatever, then you're just doing it all wrong.
It really could be heavenly.
[giggling]
It isn't.
Well, I hope that you have your spiritual awakening
on the Mile High Club today.
Attention. DTF Airlines flight 420 will be boarding shortly.
All passengers who need more assistance
will begin boarding now.
Well, I think I'm okay with this just being
a Bachelorette party.
Gloria, this could be your last chance to have some fun.
I mean, who even owns what your husband is like.
Good point.
Think of it as your last chance to be
in charge of your own destiny one last time.
And we'll join you!
Not like, join you.
-Uh-uh. -No.
Not like join you, but we'll join the Mile High Club too.
Maybe. Fine.
Okay. Okay, I'm in.
-Yay! -Kind of. Ish.
-Oh. -Maybe.
-Huh? -Kind of.
Okay, 100% I'm in.
-[cheering] -Ish.
But you can't tell Butch.
It's gonna be our little secret.
-To the Mile High Club! -To the Mile High Club!
To Gloria!
Co-pilot Matthews?
I didn't see anything here. Did you?
No, Miss Kellerman.
Have a good day.
As to you, too.
We will see you on the plane!
Oh!
Attention, DTF Airlines flight 420 to Washington, D.C.
is now boarding.
All first-class ticket holders may board now.
What about John Holmes in there?
Oh, it wouldn't be the first time he's missed a flight.
Come on, ladies. Let's get out of here.
Ah! [chuckles]
[moaning, chattering]
All right, keep it single file, clean and tight.
Thank you.
Oh, we're boarding first-class right now,
so you'll have to go to the back of the line.
Can't you do something for a celebrity?
If I see one.
Ugh.
Oh my God! What have you done to my coffee?
Centro Coff commercials.
Um...
Come on, I did like three of those things.
Okay, hey.
Hi.
Sorry, I know my cousin is a douche.
Do you think you would have first class seats for us please?
Oh, that commercial.
Yeah, and here are your first class tickets.
Whoa, first class.
You are a fan of me.
Huge fan.
Thank you.
-Bambi. -Bambi.
Next.
Hey, hot stuff, how's it hanging?
Ticket, please. Ticket.
Oh...
Really, Bo?
What? No.
Velvet Underground, Zappa, Nico.
Not some Frampton-wannabe wedding singer.
Well, maybe he can be your mile high man meat.
I'd rather do Pat Boone while Liberace watched.
Fiddlesticks, she looks P.O.ed.
I'll see you ladies on the plane. Ta ta.
Bye.
What if I can't even find anyone I want to do it...
...with.
Oh, Gloria, I don't think you're gonna have
any trouble getting liftoff.
I left my purse in the locker room.
You better boogie, we're about to board.
-Okay -Go.
Oh, you are trouble, aren't you?
Looking for this?
Yes, thank you.
[gasps]
Barry?
Come to stop you from getting on that plane.
Oh, I have nothing to say to you.
Then say nothing and just run away with me.
Oh, Barry, it's too late.
I'm really sorry for what I put you and your dad through
and I will pay him back every cent.
And look, I got a job now.
It's a real job, I'm a janitor.
It's legitimate, they take out taxes and everything.
It's a weekly paycheck.
Look, and if that's not enough, I will get two jobs.
No, I'll get three.
I will get 10 jobs to pay your debt.
Barry...
Look, you gotta learn to trust me again.
You have to know that I love you
and I never meant to hurt you or your father
and I will spend the rest of my life paying him back
for that stupid, stupid investment.
Well, it wasn't that stupid.
Reusable wallpaper so you can change the look
of your room every day.
It was actually mondo cool.
Didn't even stick to the wall.
My father invested everything.
I know.
Goodbye, Barry.
[moaning, banging]
Whoa, are you okay?
Yeah, I think I just saw a ghost.
Let's boogie.
Hello, ladies.
Oh, sweet mother of God, help me.
Captain Jesus.
What smells so heavenly?
Me, that's me, me, my new perfume.
Do you want to smell me, Jesus?
It's Jesus... Captain.
Captain Jesus, the J is silent.
Oh.
I've been saying it wrong this whole time.
You smell divine.
Can I help you, Captain Jesus?
Yes, yes, Miss Rickenbottem.
Have you seen my copilot?
I want to make it to the church on time as the saying goes.
Let me page him. Yes.
I'm here, I'm here.
Sorry I'm late. The runs, you know.
Just messy, messy stuff.
Messy stuff?
Will you be joining us?
Of course, I am flying the plane.
Oh, cool.
Okay.
Come on, Delilah.
[giggling]
[record scratch]
Hi, pumpkin.
Daddy? What are you doing on this plane?
Well, I'm headed to D.C. like you.
I'm still a senator.
I'm not in jail yet.
Daddy, that's not funny.
I'm kidding.
I wouldn't miss my daughter's big day.
Yeah, but I didn't expect you for a few more days.
Don't worry, I'm gonna stay out of your hair.
You guys do your Tupperware parties or press-on.
Whatever it is your girls do, I'm sure it's nice and innocent.
I got a little work, and then the happiest day of my life.
Okay.
Hey, Bo.
Sir, yes, sir.
Permission to speak freely, sir.
Your fly's unzipped, sir.
Okay, all right.
Hey, Bo, I'm sorry you got kicked out of medical school.
Oh, that's okay.
They were just mad that I was screwing with the cadavers.
Yeah, I'm sure your parents are very proud.
Does she have to be here?
Daddy, she's my oldest friend.
I thought I was your oldest friend.
Okay, not you're oldest, but your hottest.
[laughing]
Is it Candy? It's Candy right?
-Candy. -Hi, Candy.
Hi, sir.
Okay, I hate to break up the sting operation,
but it's time for us unwashed to go back to the economy class.
Honey, stay up here with me, please.
Daddy?
Okay. I'll see you in D.C.
Don't do anything stupid.
-Hey. -Go, go, go, go.
See you later.
Don't worry, Senator.
I'm keeping an eye on her, okay?
Okay.
My little girl's getting married.
I don't give a shit.
You're a whore.
Reading is fundamental.
You sure you're okay?
Why? What? What'd you hear?
-The runs. -Oh, yeah. No.
I'm cool, man. Thanks.
What do you want me to do first?
Your funny. I like that.
You're the captain.
So wait. Aren't you supposed to be clean-shaven?
You know, captain.
Oh, this. Yeah, I think it's, um...
I think it's sexy.
Do you not agree?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I agree. Yeah.
Does Uncle Sam agree? I don't know.
I don't know your uncles, but I'm sure they're sexy as well.
I'm actually a transfer pilot from Nazareth.
This is your first American flight?
Yeah.
Okay. Great.
-[alarm sounds] -Oh, no. Oh, oh, oh.
[laughing]
You're a funny man.
I actually needed that.
This is, uh, my first flight as captain.
So really glad you're here.
Yeah, me too. Especially after hearing that.
Oh, relax.
I was a co-pilot for a very long time.
All right. We are clear for takeoff.
Doors and windows are locked. Fuel checks out.
Let's back this baby up.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
We are clear for takeoff.
I can't believe my father's on this plane.
I'm not gonna do this whole Mile High Club thing,
not with my dad in the first class.
Eww!
Why would you do it with your Dad? Gross.
No!
I meant, how am I supposed to join the Mile High Club?
With this!
-Glory be to God! -Where did that come from?
-From St. Suzy. -Here we go!
-Candy! -Whoa, whoa, whoa. Girl.
What? This is it for me.
I've got to make the best of it while I can.
Besides...
I might have had a Quaalude or two prior to this.
No turning back now.
Oh my gosh, are you tripping right now?
No!
Are you a talking giraffe?
Holy crap! How much did you take?
You ask a lot of questions for a talking giraffe.
[laughing]
Ladies, flasks at the ready!
Shh!
There are people here.
To the one Mile High Club!
-This giraffe drinks to that. -Yeah!
Fine. To the Mile High Club!
[laughing]
Oh, yeah.
Cleared for take-off.
Hello, Senator.
Care for a drink?
Yes, I would, Angel.
Where are you going?
I got to take a leak.
You got it from here.
Yeah, yeah, of course
Just like dad's prop-plane.
Okay.
[beeping]
Hey, nothing like Dad's prop lane.
Hey, Bambi, need help with snacks?
Oh, no, I got this.
Half of them are asleep anyways.
Plus, Dolores will be back in a minute.
Red-eye flights are aces, girl.
So, how are your friends?
Oh? What friends?
Best friends since grade school, all of us girls are, really,
and now Gloria's getting married.
I'm so happy for her.
So sweet. Have you met the fiancé?
None of us have, not even Gloria.
What? Old school.
Is she Amish?
Is that like being a Republican?
Her dad's the senator in first class.
Senator Rufus? That's her dad?
He's a bit of a square, but he really loves her.
[chime sounds]
Oh, gotta go.
So, Gloria, are you scoping out who you want
to join the Mile High Club with?
Maybe that cute tennis player that was checking you out.
Maybe, I don't know.
I just feel a little...
nervous, but after everything with Barry,
I really want to join the Mile High Club in this plane.
Because I'm the one in charge of my destiny.
Not Barry, certainly not Butch.
Butch.
B-u-u-u-u-tch.
Who's Butch?
My husband whom I haven't even met yet.
Butch.
You're not gonna have a problem joining
the Mile High Club.
Plus that tennis player's a stud.
You two would look so hot together.
Stop it.
I don't know, isn't it wrong to cheat on my fiancé?
You haven't even met him yet.
It's not cheating in the Lord's eyes.
But I'm all the way up here and he's all the way back there.
Bo, what are you doing?
Giving fate and your libido a little nudge.
No! Bo!
Excuse me, sir.
Do you think you can switch seats with me?
It's just I'm sitting in the middle and I have to pee a lot.
It's a really long flight and I have a little bladder.
Oh, yeah, sure.
No problemo.
Mmm... Hey, ladies.
Wow, that's quite a rocket... a racket.
Yeah, it's got a good head size
and the length is really perfect when I gotta slam it in.
Ooh!
[chuckles]
I'll drink to that.
Attention, passengers.
The captain has turned off the fasten seatbelt sign
and turned on the smoking sign.
Enjoy.
Are you and your new friend...
Candy, no.
Thanks, dudette.
The world is more connected by the love
that you express through your kindness.
That's so deep, my son.
Gloria, isn't that... deep?
Of course.
I know, right?
Do you two want to talk about this alone
in our private VIP first class lounge?
Oh, love knows no social construct.
Love knows no caste system.
VIP is a myth.
You can do drugs and have sex in private.
Righteous, let's go.
Okay, follow me.
Love you, baby. Talk to you later.
Love you, too. Oh.
Yeah!
Mmm.
Ah, sweet bud.
It's been a while.
Hmm, yeah, sweet bud.
[coughs]
That's so cool, man.
You try.
Okay, um...
Oh, cool, man, um...
Whoa!
Woo!
I always forget, this stuff perks me up so fast.
Oh, damn.
I'm sporting a major kickstand right now.
Oh, yeah?
Well, let's park that bike of yours, big boy.
-Is that sexy talk? -Yeah.
Cool.
Oh, okay, it's happening. All right.
Let's do it. You first, you first, you first.
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
Get Big Burt, get Big Burt, get Big Burt.
-[squeals] -Let's go.
Mm-hmm. Let's go, yeah.
Oh, oh, oh, yes. Come here.
[growls]
Oh, I love this.
I love you.
The universe is love, baby.
Oh, wait, you don't love me. We just met.
Oh, this is going way too fast.
Sorry, sister, this isn't going to work.
I'm a professional tennis player.
Mm-hmm?
Each match has to start one way and one way only.
Love.
It is not only my personal life philosophy.
It is in the internationally recognized
professional tennis players handbook.
Okay, I'm being such a headcase about this, I'm sorry.
It's just a lot going on.
-Let's try this again. -No, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry, I can't.
My bike's got a flat.
Oh.
Well, that was fast.
[sighs]
Um...
I think I'm going to go now.
Bye, my sister.
But it's all love, baby.
It's all love.
Damn it!
Hi, what happened?
The window of opportunity has slammed shut.
I wasn't loving it a lot the way you wanted me to.
Well, you're a virgin.
You'll get better with practice.
Gross, Suzy, I didn't mean it like that.
Hey, baby, what's up?
Doesn't pro tennis drug test?
You bet your ass they do.
Let's get you back to your seat.
Fuck!
How am I supposed to sneak past my dad?
I can't let him know I was just trying to lose my virginity.
Just stay behind me, okay?
And sneak past when you get a chance.
Okay.
Oh, hello, senator.
Um, this is our mid-flight champagne service.
Thank you, Suzy.
Hey, hey, was that my, uh, daughter?
Oh, don't be silly. I think you've had a few too many.
Okay. Okay.
[gasps]
Are you an actor?
Yes.
And I bet you're an actress.
Yes, I am. How could you tell?
Oh, you have obvious talent.
I'm Sid Epstein.
You may remember me from that commercial.
Oh, my God.
What have you done to my coffee?
Yes, you were incredible.
You actually inspired me to switch brands.
That means the world to me.
Sadly, that's true.
Are you up for another commercial?
Uh, I'm headed to New York for a big audition.
Huh.
We have a layover in D.C., which I need,
because I don't have my lines down.
Well, um, maybe I could help you with your lines.
I'd love that, but where?
I would hate to disturb the other passengers.
Meet me in the VIP lounge in the back in 10 minutes.
It'll be just you and me.
I just need to kick a few people out first.
Out of sight.
Excuse me.
Um, I hate to break up your little casting session,
but can I have some champagne?
Oh, yes. I'm so sorry.
I'm gonna need all this. Thank you.
Okay. Okay.
You proud of yourself?
-Daily. -Ugh.
Wow. That was fast.
Typical.
See, Bo, you've only had bad sex.
We never did it.
He started talking about love,
and I started thinking about Barry.
Barry?
Why are you thinking about Barry?
I meant Butch. my future husband,
whom I'm marrying for love.
-Butch. -You said Barry.
-It was a slip of the tongue. -A Freudian slip.
A Freudian tongue slip.
The point is, we never did it.
I can't do it.
I will never do it.
Okay, Mrs. Humpalong Cassidy.
Suzy did drop off a little fun!
Put that away! Now!
Oh, you don't want to see her put it away.
No, you don't want to see me put it away.
Okay, this was all fun and games...
Until I poke your eye out!
You have to stop!
Come on, it's just a little Bachelorette party.
-Fun and games. -Mm-hmm.
See, it's like pin the tail on the donkey,
except with a big old dong.
And don't worry.
This is modeled after Adam, so God was okay with it.
Well, I don't know how I feel about it.
Come on. It's just classic Bachelorette shenanigans.
On a plane? With people?
-They can play. -Yeah.
Plus, most of them are sleeping.
And they're all adults.
Does anybody care if we have a Bachelorette party
in this section?
I'll strip if you strip.
Uh, no, thank you. We've already seen what you have to offer,
and it turned us all gay.
Mm-hmm.
I'd love to see that.
Eww, creep.
See, we're good. We're good.
Okay. Fine. Let's get this over with.
Yay. Okay, I'll set it up.
Now this is a party. Yeah.
-One, two. And three. -Is that a dildo?
Oh my God.
[chattering, shrieking]
Whose dick is this?
I am so sorry.
See? These things hurt people.
I don't want to do this anymore.
These things don't hurt people.
Carts full of penis sausages did.
Come on, Gloria, just play the game.
You have to do one Bachelorette party thing
for this to even count as one.
And then we can go back to finding you a man for real.
-Go. -Fine.
Here we go!
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Get me off!
I would, but we just met.
However, I did notice you checking me out at the boarding.
Uh, I'm actually pre-med
and I noticed a lump on your right testicle
because your pants are crazy stupid tight.
I mean, what's the point of even wearing pants?
Did you want me to take them off for you?
No, no, I've seen enough.
But you need to see a doctor. Stat.
I take it you're a James Taylor girl.
Zappa, Nico, Velvet Underground.
Whatever, asshole. You just wish that you were in their league.
Hey, I toured with Ziggy Pop in 69.
No, you didn't. Screw you.
What? You don't believe me?
I believe that any man who dresses
in a Halloween costume for a living would say
all kinds of crazy crap to get laid.
Honey, I don't need to work this hard to get a hot lady naked.
That should tell you something about you.
[gasps]
Oh!
What a jerk.
[giggles]
You totally have a crush on that Steel Cobra fella.
I'd rather vote for Nixon.
Bo, I've known you for years.
You only crush the soul of the people you want to screw.
And it's a defense mechanism to see if they're worthy.
Therapy.
-Wow. -I can be smart, too.
Well, that's all fine and good.
We still need to find Gloria someone to make it with.
Mm-hmm.
And, oh, speaking of Gloria. Where is Gloria?
She was just here a minute ago.
Hello?
Am I close?
Yeah, this way, this way.
Hello?
Candy?
"Lest I come and strike the earth with a curse."
Man, God is so rad.
What do you think?
Oh, yeah, I mean,
it's incredible that He let all this happen.
See, I knew you were a good guy.
Yeah.
[sighs]
Candy? Bo?
Wait, I know that voice.
-Am I close? -Gloria.
Careful on your way out. Careful on your way out.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
[beeping]
We're all gonna die.
This isn't fun anymore.
Okay, I'm just gonna put it right here.
-Barry? -Gloria.
You were a...
Penis? Ew!
That's...
Gloria!
-Hey! -Yes?
-Is that my daughter? -No, sir.
-Is she okay? -Yes, sir.
I mean, you are asleep.
-Am I? -You are.
I'm captain of the Dreamtime Airwaves,
and you need to go to sleep.
You look familiar.
Familiar in a way that makes me very, very angry.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Go to sleep.
Sleep tight.
Shh...
[snoring]
Gloria!
Look, Sid, you're a better actor than he is.
Thanks, cousin.
But isn't that the pilot?
Weren't you supposed to go to the VIP lounge
to hook up with that sunflower?
Sure thing.
I can't wait for her to read lines with me.
Be nice.
What? Please, wait! Just stop! Stop!
Barry, what are you doing here?
I'm trying to stop you from marrying somebody
you don't even know.
By sneaking on to the plane and pretending to be a captain?
Co-captain! Co-captain!
Just... shh! I don't want people to panic.
Who's even flying this plane right now?
Jesus.
What's that?
Gloria.
Will you marry me?
I know there's not a ring in there right now,
but there will be.
[laughing]
Barry...
No. Get up, get up, get up.
Gloria!
Give me another chance, Gloria.
Barry, you're not husband material.
She sells seashells...
You made it!
I was beginning to think you weren't going to come.
For you, I'll always... come.
Great, because I think you're a perfect fit for this role.
I'm so glad you think I'm a perfect fit.
Yeah, the script is pretty tight, so...
So tight.
Are you okay? I just really want to nail this.
You're going to nail this... so good.
[giggles]
[chuckles]
Um...
Right, your character goes first.
Yeah, she does.
So...
Oh, yeah, I'm so sorry.
The cancer has spread
through your daughter's bones, Mr. President.
I was afraid you were going to say that, Dr. Potter.
We've called in specialists from around the world, Mr. President.
You just need to relax.
Oh, wait. I don't think you do that.
No, this is my interpretation.
Oh.
Wait, can we at least run lines?
Yes, yes.
Okay...
Will she even make it to her next birthday, Dr. Potter?
I promised her a puppy.
We're doing the best we can, Mr. President.
We'd like to put her in a coma for the next
eight days, so that we can...
A coma? She's just a little girl.
A little girl with a fatal disease.
A disease that will slowly atrophy the body.
A disease that will cause her to lose
her bladder and bowel control.
A disease that will choke her with her own saliva
until all you fear are her gurgling sounds.
-Oh, but... -No.
Wait, there's more.
Her body will become extremely weak and collapse upon itself.
She will become practically paralyzed.
Her bones with tumors may break
and not heal and be unbearably painful.
And all you'll be hearing is her gurgled screams
rattling through the East Wing of the White House.
[moaning]
How much time will she have?
Three weeks.
Oh, not a moment to spare!
End scene.
Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
Wow.
You are an amazing actress.
You're great, too.
Whoa.
Oh, I mean...
Oh, I think I know my lines now.
We make a great team.
Thanks.
Have a great audition.
Bye.
I think I'm booking this.
Oh, co-pilot, what are you doing back here?
[gasps]
Listen here, mister, impersonating a pilot
can get you 20 years in jail.
Who are you and what did you do with co-pilot Matthews?
Barry Montgomery, ma'am, and
I didn't do anything co-pilot Matthews.
He was sleeping with someone else,
and I needed to get onto this plane and Gloria.
-Oh, Gloria. -Hi.
Are you the fiancé?
Uh... No.
Oh, well, then are you a stripper?
No. Why? Why would you say that?
Well, you just... you're dressed like a stripper.
Well, no, this is co-pilot Matthews uniform.
Ah-ha!
Well, he used to strip on the weekends.
I'm sorry. Barry...
Save it for the police feds.
-You, hey! Come on. -Gloria, I love you.
-Come on. -Ouch!
Okay, this is just a minor setback.
I will figure out everything.
Hey, thanks for helping with my cousin.
I'm Liz, by the way.
I'm done line reading.
I'm not an actor. I'm a producer.
It's a man's world,
and I am determined to prove a girl
can do the job just as well.
Probably better.
You're impressive.
You mean my ass is impressive?
Sure.
But all of you is impressive.
A word of advice.
Your asset, that'll get you in the door.
But this...
Well, that'll keep you in the door.
I think there's more to you that meets the eye.
And I'd like to find out what.
Maybe you will make it in a man's world.
You sure sound like them.
But unlike them, I mean it.
I think there's more to you.
I'd like to find out what.
Suzy...
You hiding the clam juice in there?
I think I'm gay.
Groovy.
In so much trouble.
We'll see what the real captain has to say about this.
Barry!
Yes, Senator! Senator!
-Daddy, daddy, daddy! -I know!
I know he took all your money, but please don't hurt him!
This guy's nothing but a two-bit hustlin' jive turkey!
Dad, that's harsh, even for Barry!
Gentlemen, I have to restrain him
and get him to the authorities.
-I like you. -Oh...
I'll tell you what, I'll restrain him.
You go tell the pilot to call the FBI.
Daddy, if you do anything to harm him, I won't marry Butch!
-Pop your head like a zit. -Senator!
Dad!
Captain, your co-pilot, he's an imposter
and we don't have anything--
Mayday, mayday, our landing gear won't go down. Over!
See? No response. The radio isn't working.
Wait, what?
Something internal is blocking the wheels from disengaging.
When do we land in D.C.?
Three hours and 35 minutes.
Okay, we have that long to figure this out.
And why is the radio not working?
Because God hates me.
Besides that.
That's the only thing I can think of that makes sense.
Okay, all right.
If you can get the hydraulic equipment
to align with the aerial transmission system,
then you can subdue the thrusting system,
which will override the automatic failsafe,
which sounds like it's erroneously preventing
this in the first place.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What if we just pray?
Yeah, sure. I guess we can just do that.
Okay.
There's a prayer for plane crashes.
It's in Job.
Gloria, tell your father about the job that I've taken up.
You couldn't get enough jobs. Sit your ass down.
I'm making a citizen's arrest.
Gloria, I'm so sorry.
What? Hey, Senator, this is...
-Gloria, what is it? -What are you...
Actually, Senator, I just want to...
Hey, hey, weirdo!
-No, no, no! -No!
It's not like that.
Here, I just want to show you something.
This, right here. This, right here. This.
Excuse me. Is that a bomb?
What? No, no, no, no.
This is a radio frequency transmogrifier.
It's like a radio without a cord, okay?
Look, I will give you a thousand shares of my company
if you call off Gloria's wedding.
Bartholomew Montgomery!
You promised me. No more deals.
No more inventions.
Sweetheart, it is not like that at all, okay?
It is exactly like that!
[screams]
So, do you think I should cancel
the wedding of my daughter to the son
of the Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court
so she could marry you, a hillbilly inbred meat puppet?
You think that's a good idea?
I'll tell you what else.
They got walkie talkies without cords, you know?
And they got radios without cords.
And I bought my daughter something like that
when she was three months old.
Senator, this is like a phone, but smarter.
Look, I will give you 500 shares regardless of what happened
just because I feel so bad
about what's happening to Gloria and the past investment.
Look, I am trying to do everything I can
to make this right. Let me fix this.
Well, I'll tell you what,
you better have invented something
that cuts through prison bars
because that's what you're going to need.
Bad sex again?
No.
Barry pretending to be a copilot
to sneak on the plane and try and win me back.
Barry, like, Barry your ex, Barry?
Yes.
Barry stowed onto the plane.
I don't even know a man I'm about to marry.
I can't seem to find a way to join a Mile High Club.
This thing is just such a drag.
Oh my gosh, look at me, hey.
You are awesome.
We're your best friends, and we always will be.
Barry is a stupid idiot,
and of course he wants you back because, duh.
And the new guy you're about to marry?
He's the luckiest man on the planet.
We are going to get you in the Mile High Club today,
and then after that,
you can go and live your life to the fullest.
Okay.
-Groovy. -Yes.
Bambi! I've decided that today
will be my final day as a stewardess.
From now on, I'm going to focus all of my energy
on my real dream of becoming an actress.
What?
When we land, I'm going to turn in my uniform
and my regulation pantyhose.
Oh, land? We can't land.
Bambi, honey, what's wrong?
Nothing, it's just that the wheels are stuck
and they can't come down,
but we can pray this away.
That's what Jesus is going to do.
You know, I have a lot of cats at home.
Do you think they're going to miss me?
I don't know.
What if one of my friends is a mechanic?
Could this be fixed from the inside?
Yes. Yes, absolutely, yes.
-Yes! -Yes, okay.
Holy crap.
That's real heavy, man.
Suzie says that you're a mechanic.
My dad has a shop and I know some stuff,
but that's more like jeeps and trucks.
This is an airplane.
This is going to take two people.
No, no, but this is your thing.
This is what you were meant to do.
You can save us.
Like Batman and Robin.
Or Simon and Garfunkel.
Is she okay?
Not really.
I don't know, you guys.
I'll do it.
Probably takes a real men to do it anyways.
Yeah, and since there aren't any real men here, I'll do it.
No, man. My dad built these things.
But here's the thing. It's going to take two people.
Let's go.
Unless you're too chicken shit.
Bye. See you on the other side.
Wait, wait.
What can I do?
I can't believe I'm saying this, but
I saw how our pilot...
Yep, me. I'll do it.
Yes.
Hello, Mr. Jesus.
Suzy and Dolores are busy tending to the passengers
and Bambi is helping with the jammed wheel.
She just deputized me, so I'm a stewardess now.
And I'm here to give you what you want.
Lady, you can't be in here.
Well, maybe I'm the answer to all your prayers.
You heard my prayers?
Mm-hmm. I'm going to be a nun.
I can hear everybody's prayers.
A nun?
But not right now.
Right now, I'm just me.
I'm just Candy.
Candy?
Sounds sweet.
Melts in your mouth.
I don't think we're going to get out of this alive.
I'm so nervous, I...
I can barely concentrate on flying.
Well, maybe I can help you concentrate.
My king of kings.
All right. This compartment leads to the APU center.
Go through cargo and into the avionics center,
and there you'll find the hydraulic override lever.
Copacetic, it's do or die time, man.
Ladies first.
Good luck.
Thanks. We're going to need it.
Rock and roll, man.
Take these.
Excuse me.
Dad, we may not have a lot of time,
and there's some business I need to settle with Barry,
regardless of how you feel.
Gloria, sweetheart, what else can I do to win you back?
Everything you say can and will be held against you.
Barry, you're a criminal now.
I know, I know. I've been self-centered.
I mean, even today, but I told you about that job,
and I want to pay your dad back,
and we can work on repayment plans and I... I...
Yeah, that plan will take 492 years.
Shush, Dad, this doesn't concern you.
Kind of does.
Barry, I think it's a good first step
in figuring things out with my dad, but Barry, why?
Why do you want me so much?
I mean, you have the sweetest laugh,
and you encourage my dreams
and those lips, and your eyes,
and God, you've got a very hot body.
Stop it.
A decent body.
Well, I don't see myself that way.
That's okay, because I do.
I always have, and I always will.
Oh, Barry.
-Ugh! -Dad!
I'm grabbing a barf bag.
You guys are disgusting.
Gloria!
I feel so enlightened...
and so turned on.
I'm so upset that I gave in to temptation.
But I'm also way too high to do anything about it.
[giggles]
[clatter]
I'm in the sky.
Yeah, you are.
Look at those clouds.
Look at that.
[laughing]
Your true purpose reveals itself.
St. Angela, is that really you?
You must show them what to do.
Me?
Trust in the Lord to guide you.
My son...
God, is that you?
Yes, my son.
Cool.
Do you not know that your bodies
are temples of the Holy Spirit,
who is in you whom you have received from God?
You are not your own.
You were bought at a price.
Therefore, honor God with your bodies.
What does that mean, Father?
It means you should totally do her.
Trust in God.
Fuck me.
Fuck me until I reach true salvation.
I can do that.
Wait, I have to get something.
Oh, my goodness.
Where is it?
Yeah.
Hey, don't do that.
That's not yours.
Ow, shit.
That's my bag.
You see, that's my name.
-Oh. -That's me.
Sorry.
Man, you hit really hard.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, what is that?
Oh, some sort of rock star elephant tranquilizer
to calm your nerves?
Which you need, by the way.
These are my fun drugs, all right?
Not that it's any of your business.
And lady, an elephant tranquilizer
couldn't chill your tight ass out.
Hey, I happen to like my tight ass.
Gloria, please give me another chance.
Barry, please.
I don't want to spend the last moments
of my life regretting my choices.
This plane is going to crash.
What do you mean the plane is going to crash?
What are you talking about?
What is going on here?
-We're going down to the ground. -What?
Honey, I never loved your mother.
I wanted to tell you that before we died.
[shivering]
You okay?
What? Yeah.
Drinks?
No, okay, something's wrong.
I have a sense about these things.
I don't think I'm supposed to tell you.
Okay, now you have to tell me. That's like the rule.
The wheels won't go down.
So can't we just glide?
If we were over water.
This isn't a water plane. We are not over water.
So what happens? We crash?
Yeah.
Oh.
Liz, can I tell you?
Uh...
-I just thought that... -Mmm, mmm.
[exhales]
Sorry, go on.
When we were talking earlier, I, um...
We don't have a lot of time, right?
Mm-mm.
So you had sex with my cousin and it didn't go well.
You feel weird.
You're starting to have weird feelings towards me.
Never felt that way towards a woman.
Mm-mm.
Are we going to die?
I think we should have sex. If you want to.
Uh, I want to.
Okay.
[laughing]
Oh...
[giggling]
Let me just turn on autopilot first.
I'll be right back.
Where are you going?
[moaning]
Flight 420, are you there? Over?
You're going down.
Is that God?
I don't know.
But you'll hear angels when I do this.
[moaning]
Engage your thrust. You need to speed up.
Don't listen to God. Do not listen to God.
Slow right on down.
[moaning]
[giggling]
[moaning]
Look, it's the hydraulic lever.
[struggles]
Crap.
It's made with parts before the war.
Little help?
Sounds like my dad.
Question is, which war?
On the count of three, okay?
One, two, three.
[groaning]
[moaning]
You know, you really hurt me back there.
I'm sorry.
I have three brothers and I come from a military family.
Ooh, yeah.
That's going to leave a mark.
I'll live.
Whoa!
Right.
We're supposed to hate each other, I forgot.
No, you idiot.
Why does it feel like we're still falling?
We fixed the hydraulic.
Maybe we weren't fast enough.
And we're going to die any minute.
Any minute.
Wait.
Oh, my God.
I was just about to have amazing sex.
But we're going to die before it happens.
Really? You're my type.
You're totally my type.
Einstein with like a Raquel Welch bod.
Congratulations, because you are totally not my type.
But I think we can make it work.
Let's do it.
Do what?
It.
Everyone, please stay seated.
CANDY: Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.
Oh, yes. Oh, Jesus.
She's a very sweet girl. She's going to be a nun.
Does she know that?
She really loves Jesus.
I mean, she loves Jesus.
CANDY: Jesus.
Sounds like she found Him.
Ah!
Come to Snake.
[grunting]
Yeah, you like that?
Yeah, I do.
-Who's the rock star, baby? -Oh, yeah.
Iron Snake, yeah. Say my name.
-I don't know your name. -It's Iron Snake.
-Iron Snake! -Iron Snake!
Hey, what's your real name?
No autographs for you.
Bad girl.
[moaning]
Ooh! Yeah, just like this.
Oh, you're going to break my hole!
Oh, yeah, that's right, snakes go in so deep.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, hiss at me, baby.
-[hisses] -Yeah.
[giggling]
[moaning]
Oh, yeah...
[moaning]
[shrieking]
[grunting]
-Oh, you like that? -I do!
Oh, yeah, you like this position?
I love it.
This is called an Iron Snake ride.
-Oh, yeah. -Yeah.
Oh, come on.
Oh, yeah, unplug my pipes.
Oh, yeah. Oh, who's my groupie now?
You're my groupie.
-No, I don't like that. -Oh, yes you do.
Oh, I like that.
Oh, yeah, you like that?
Oh, groupie, groupie, groupie, groupie, groupie.
[moaning]
Oh, wow.
Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
Wow.
Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.
Oh, I'm going to miss that.
That.
You want to fly this plane
so that we don't die, and everything?
-Oh, okay. -Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh!
What?
Jesus. Jesus?
Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.
Oh my God.
Do you want a beer or something?
[beeping]
I can blow you.
Oh my God.
Oh my God, Jesus is dead.
Oh, Jesus is dead. Jesus is dead.
Are you dead?
Oh my God.
[grunting]
I'm going to climax!
-Oh yeah, I'll come with you. -Okay.
[moaning]
Oh, that was amazing.
I think we broke the plane.
Holy cow.
Want to help Snake with the lever?
Oh, okay.
No, no, no, no, not that lever.
-That lever. -Oh, yeah.
[grunting]
I think that worked. Again.
Your body's so lethal.
Very.
I can't fly the plane!
I'm still drunk and I feel a little high
and I'm definitely on drugs.
All because I'm going to be a nun.
Oh my God.
Where am I?
You're dead, Jesus.
I'm dead?
Yeah, you're dead. You're dead.
I don't know, I don't know. I don't know anymore.
Just, um... just stay here.
I'm going to go get some help
and you just come right on out that door in three days.
-Three days? -Three days.
Candy? Are you okay?
I killed Jesus.
What?
He's fine. He's fine. He's fine.
He's going to come out of that cockpit in three days
and we're going to celebrate his res--
[burps] Erection.
I said erection.
I'm going to go to hell. I'm going to hell.
Candy? Candy? Shhh.
Focus.
What happened?
I fucked the only person who can land this plane's brains out.
[screaming]
Daddy, daddy, daddy. You have to let him go.
He's the only man who can fly the plane.
He's a fake pilot, honey. A scam artist.
He's right, Gloria. I'm just a flimflam man.
I'm a con man. A grifter.
I don't deserve your trust. I never have.
Well, do you love me?
Of course I love you.
Is that real?
It's the only real thing that I know.
Well, that is good enough for me.
Now you go and fly that plane.
Daddy, you have to let him go.
Oh, well...
The only place you're going is prison for 15 to 20 years.
Don't get pregnant, honey.
What?
[coughing]
Whoa.
You guys want to get high?
Captain!
No? All right.
Take him to the lounge.
Stressed out.
Where's the happy girl? Where's the happy girl?
Hi, happy girl.
Barry can fly the plane.
Oh! No, wait. He can't.
Well, but he's wearing a pilot's outfit.
Who's flying the plane?
Jesus.
No, he's high.
The plane has autopilot. We'll be fine...
For now.
I hate flying.
Planes go boom, boom, and they crash.
Well, he clearly suffered multiple concussions
from some kind of a strenuous activity in the cockpit.
Candy, what did you give him?
Everything.
Ugh...
Wait, where are you going?
I'm going to go help Otto land the plane.
Did she just say she's going to help land the plane?
Woo!
-Wait. Oh, wait. -Wait.
Candy, don't go in the cockpit alone.
-We're coming. -Goodbye.
Oh!
Okay, all right. This is ridiculous.
I need to do something.
You've already done something, buddy.
Okay, look, look. I know by putting on this suit,
it doesn't make me a captain.
But what I didn't tell your daughter is that
I used to fly my dad's prop plane every summer
when I grew up in Iowa.
Okay, this is different, but the fundamentals are the same.
-I'm going. -Sit down!
Do you really hate me that much,
that you would risk your own daughter's life
just to prove what a charlatan you think I am?
I hate you.
Don't make me regret this.
I won't. Thank you, Senator.
Go!
God, hello? It's me, Candy.
Okay, everybody out!
I only want Gloria in here.
I don't know how to fly a plane, Barry.
It's okay. It's okay.
You're going to encourage me to fly
because I always do my best work with you by my side.
And I'm not going to give you up now, okay?
-Okay. -Okay.
Okay, I'll take care of the passengers.
Great.
Oh, good luck, because God isn't answering,
because it's all my fault.
We're probably going to hell
because I screwed the brains out of Jesus, and now...
It's okay. He'll forgive you.
-You got this? -We got this.
-Okay, okay. -Okay.
Hang in there, babe.
Hello? Can anyone hear me?
Nothing?
No, we're on our own.
Okay, so maybe if we make a small descent,
we can pick a short-range signal or find a runway or something.
Um, sure that could work.
Whoa.
Candy, is that the pilot?
Oh, I'm sorry. It's all my fault.
Yikes.
Well, at least I just had the best sex of my life.
And that's worth something.
Wow, really?
-Yeah. -Oh my gosh.
Hey, since we're going to die and all, can I ask a favor?
Yeah, anything.
All aboard. All aboard.
Everyone, I have some heavy news.
To get you up to speed, my name is Candy
and I'm going to be a nun. Yay, me!
And me and my girls are going to D.C.
because Gloria's getting married.
Yay!
Okay, the pilot's not technically dead.
-What do you mean? -The pilot's dead?
No, no, not dead, but cannot fly the plane.
But Barry, who is pretending to...
Oh, um, act like I didn't say that.
Not a real pilot is going to fly the plane.
-Pretending was better. -Yes, I see that now.
Anyway, bottom line, we're screwed.
We're so screwed, we're so fucked.
No, no, no, no, no, wait.
What's going on out there?
Shh. I can't hear them.
Wait, I waited to get onto this plane
to take chances that I should have been taking my entire life.
And that's just not right,
that is not living, that is unliving.
And now when we might only have 20 more minutes left to live,
we get to decide how we want to live.
-20 minutes? -20 minutes?
Do we go out with a whimper or a bang?
Do we face death with our heads between our legs?
Or each other's legs?
Do we go out laughing or crying?
Screaming or dreaming?
So, what's it going to be?
Everyone's so quiet.
This is how we're going to die?
Only you can save them, Candy.
One hit will set them free.
The Lord is listening, Candy. Set them free.
I know what to do.
Do what, Candy?
The secret's in these little guys.
Just one hit, and we can set them free.
Okay.
Set them free.
Great idea.
The ultimate mile high club.
[whistling]
Okay, the plane is going to fall apart!
Ease back on the speed!
I don't know how!
I mean, all these controls look the same!
-Barry! Calm down! -I don't know how!
Breathe! Okay, all right.
Is this better?
Yeah.
Whoa!
[chattering]
Make way for Bambi!
-Ready? -Woo!
[shouting]
Woo!
If we're going to party, let's party.
Woo!
[laughing]
Woo!
Okay, I'm getting my bearings, but the wheel's still sticking.
I just need one small controlled burst
on the right side of the plane.
From inside the plane?
Uh... Sure, yeah.
Okay, I have an idea.
Hello everyone!
This is Gloria from inside the cockpit,
and we need your help.
So if you could just keep doing what you're doing,
but do it to the right side of the plane,
and do it hard, okay?
To the right!
[chattering, shouting]
Did it work?
No, I don't think so.
Okay... Um...
On the count of three, everybody jump!
One, two, three!
It worked. The wheel is free.
We're going to be okay.
I think we should still be able to land.
Barry, you did it!
No, we did it.
Gloria, you guys did it!
We all did it!
This isn't the Bachelorette party I was dreaming off,
and we didn't join the Mile High Club, but...
I did.
I did, and it was awesome.
-I did, twice, technically. -Oh!
Oh, well, that's great.
That's good for you guys.
And now, Candy, you can be a nun.
[crashing, shouting]
[shrieking]
Barry, what was that?
We're under attack!
Nazis!
-It's the fuel line. -Huh?
We lost an engine. We're going down.
We maybe have two minutes before we crash.
[screaming]
Okay!
I don't want to die!
Save us!
Nobody panic!
Get down! Stay in the driver's seat!
[shrieking]
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No... Gloria!
Gloria, wake up, please!
Barry? Are we dead yet?
Not yet.
Good. I have an idea.
-Barry! -Oh!
Are you okay?
Gloria! Yeah! I am now.
How's your head?
Okay. We're gonna be okay.
Okay, okay.
Hello.
We're not on a train, are we?
We're on a submarine.
Upscope. Whoa.
I screwed the brains out of you.
So it's only logical that I can screw them back into you.
Huh?
Come on, Jesus. It's time to come again.
Cool.
I have an idea.
When I lived on the farm with my dad in Iowa--
I thought you grew up in Los Angeles.
Oh, no, I did. I went to school there.
But every summer I'd go to my dad's
and help him on the farm.
And I'd crop dust his field every week.
Even in the bad weather.
So I know how to stop us from crashing.
I just have to adjust our flight path a little bit.
And then we'll go down at a steeper angle
and use more runway for landing.
We can...
Oh, Barry, talk more pilot to me.
Just have to deploy the flaps.
Just at the right angle.
I don't want to...
increase our drag or reduce our controllability.
Well, you can deploy my flaps anytime.
Huh?
Oh.
Yeah.
Oh, um, let's land the plane first, baby.
Oh.
[moaning]
[grunts]
[speaking Spanish]
You're speaking Spanish.
What is happening?
Who's flying the plane?
Thank you, Jesus.
Both of you.
Jesus?
It's Jesus. The J is silent.
I'll take it from here.
Okay, okay.
Sir, I am so sorry for sneaking on to this flight.
It will never happen again.
Hey, hey, hey. Don't be sorry.
God forgives.
Plus, this has been the greatest ride of my life.
-Get out of here. -Okay.
Turn off the autopilot and land this plane.
Gloria, wait!
Daddy, are you okay?
I will be when we get to D.C.
and put this whole thing behind us.
Of course.
Hey, give us a minute. Sit down here.
Okay.
What do you see in that guy?
He's so stupid.
And look at him.
Come on, honey.
Daddy, honestly, I see a lot of you in him.
He's just the man who's willing to put it
all on the line for the person he loves.
Well, somebody had to raise you.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, don't marry that Butch guy.
I've made my peace with it. It'll be fine.
No, no, you aren't the one who spent your campaign funds
on a cock-a-mamie deal like reusable wallpaper.
I mean, see, I am like him.
That sounds very stupid.
We have a lot in common.
No.
Daddy, the judge is going to be even more furious
if I don't marry his son.
Deal's a deal, and it was my deal to begin with.
If they put you in jail, I...
Honey, they don't put politicians in jail.
I can't risk it. For your sake.
And for Barry's sake.
I'm going to marry the judge's son.
We're about to land.
Everyone needs to be seated with their seatbelts fastened.
Barry, I have a special seat in the back
with your name on it.
-Oh. -Come with me.
-Bye, everyone. -Bye.
Coming in hot. Coming in hot.
Come on.
[screaming]
[grunts]
[shrieking]
Come on, come on, come on.
Flight 420, you're smoking. Nice landing.
[cheering]
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Oh... [laughs]
Good girl. Good girl.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to D.C.
We hope you enjoyed your flight.
Move. Ew, out of here.
The weather in our nation's capital is a crisp 69 degrees.
We apologize for any unplanned pregnancies,
venereal diseases, or rug burns
you may have experienced during our flight.
We thank you for flying DTF airlines,
and we hope you have a beautiful day.
Holy...
Woo!
I love my job.
[sighs]
My best friend circle just got so much bigger.
And this flight was the best.
That's where I met Jesus.
And I met Liz.
And I met whatever this is.
Your destiny, baby.
And I can finally be with you.
With my dad's blessing.
And we can get married and live...
-Happily ever... -Happily ever...
After... you get married to my son.
Surprise!
That's Butch.
Oh, my God, are you Gloria?
No, I'm Barry.
Hey, just tell me you're Gloria. I can make this work.
Gloria Attwater.
Is a very beautiful and very hairy daughter-in-law.
Yeah, we need to cut this hair to something more manageable.
Judge William Caulk?
He's one of the Supremes.
Oh, I get it. He's a singer.
Oh, stick to acting.
Judge...
Your honor, your Eminence,
Gloria won't be marrying your son.
She'll be marrying me.
Your son doesn't really seem like the marrying type.
Ooh.
What's your name, son?
Barry Montgomery.
You're very brave to stand up to a Supreme Court justice.
That shows me that you must love this young lady a lot.
Yeah, I do.
Especially since one word from me and I could put you in jail.
Forever.
No, Barry here has done nothing wrong.
It's me that's broken promises.
No, young lady, there's been no broken promises yet.
Now, there will be a marriage but only between you and my son.
[phone ringing]
Is that a D minor?
Oh, will you turn your toy off?
Sorry, yeah.
Now, listen. Butch, get over here.
There will be a marriage here, right now.
-What, here? -Yes, right here.
Yes, I have a photographer, we can take a few pictures.
And then in two days, we'll go have a reception
at the slave quarters in Mount Vernon,
where every dignified politician
and right-wing thinking celebrity
will be in attendance.
Otherwise, your father will be arrested.
Whoa.
I'll have you exposed as a communist.
Your hippy boyfriend there,
he'll be exposed as a pedophile or a Democrat. Same thing.
It's fine, it's fine. I'll marry Butch.
Good answer.
But Gloria, you don't have to do this.
Whatever he has on you, we'll help you figure it out.
[growls]
I don't know, Bo. He seems really powerful.
But yeah, sure, sure, we'll figure it out.
Mm-hmm. I can pray.
It's okay, ladies.
I know a lot of people marry for the wrong reasons,
but I'll be married for the right ones.
It'll be fine.
But Gloria, you're never gonna get to
join the Mile High Club.
Seems pretty overrated anyway.
-No, it's awesome. -It's amazing.
Candy?
I don't remember what we're talking about.
Come on.
Everyone, get in position, okay?
Good.
Why do you wanna do this?
Okay, if I do this, I stay in the will,
and the man has generational wealth, okay?
Oh, God, you are working it so well.
-And that blouse... -[clears throat]
Dearly beloved, we are all gathered here today
for the, ah, let's get with it.
Here you go.
With this ring, I thee wed.
Don't do it, Gloria.
Barry?
Is that the bomb again?
-It works. -Hey, stay back.
It works.
My transmogrifier.
You don't have to marry him. I have your father's money.
What?
My transmogrifier.
Some guy in California wants to buy my patent.
Wants to turn it into a smart phone or something.
Don't be ridiculous. Phones can't be smart.
It's gonna be huge, Gloria.
They're gonna wire the funds to your father's account.
My wonders, my inventions,
they're finally taking off.
I knew it. Mondo cool!
You're my inspiration, Gloria.
You putz! You ruined everything.
Barry!
Oh!
[clamoring]
You just hit...
-No. -Hit a woman!
Are you okay?
We got it on camera! Right there.
-No. -Security!
I am a Judge. I can do what I want!
I have tenure. I don't care.
He socked me!
Game, set, match, bitch!
Oh, no. Your inheritance.
Sweetheart, don't even worry.
This is better than a sham wedding, okay?
This is blackmail.
Okay, this is the only language my dad speaks.
May I?
This will set me up for life.
Okay.
Beautiful.
Bye.
Gloria, I'm so sorry.
For what?
This was supposed to be your wedding.
I'm sorry.
It still can be, if you'll have me.
[gasping]
But, Judge Caulk just left.
I can marry you.
Because you're Jesus?
Because I'm a pilot and it's Jesus.
The J is silent.
Right.
What do you say, Gloria?
Yes!
-Yes? -[laughing]
Gotta love these charter flights.
Get to wear my own uniform.
[squealing]
All right, all right, all right, all right.
We gotta make this quick.
I don't want to leave that cockpit unmanned too long.
You understand?
Is he even ordained for that?
Of course he is. He's Jesus.
He has the same authority to marry people
the way that ship captains do.
Yeah, all right.
All right, you two love each other, right?
-You wanna marry her? -Oh, yeah.
-You wanna marry him? -Absolutely.
All right, well then by the authority given to me
by the... the...
Well, I guess I gave myself.
You guys are married now.
You may kiss the bride. Make it good.
[cheering]
What a day.
I told you anything could happen at 30,000 feet.
The higher the plane, the closer to God.
Just think about what we can do without the gravity
of fear and inhibition holding us down.
See, I told you.
The Mile Hot Club isn't just a sex thing.
It's a way of life.
Whatever.
Baby, what's wrong?
Everybody joined the Mile High Club, except for us.
Well, why don't we join them?
In the bathroom?
Isn't that tradition?
Mile High Club, baby!