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Let's go. I got in a car accident right before the show.
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
Cool, cool way to start the show.
Got rear ended out there on the ice rink.
Pretty, pretty sweet.
Always gets me pumped for comedy.
Just pop out. "You know what? The world is a magical place."
I was on a flight recently.
I was coming back to Denver from Florida.
I was doing some shows down in Florida.
We're getting ready to take off.
I'm sitting in the middle seat of a Southwest flight
'cause I'm a Southwest Rewards member.
That's one of the perks. And we're getting ready to take off.
There's this old guy sitting next to me.
And he puts on his, like, earbud headphones,
and he immediately starts screaming in my face.
"Hey, I'm listening to somebody else's music.
"This is somebody else's music."
I'm like, "I don't know.
"Jesus Christ, dude," I show him my phone.
I'm like, "It's not mine."
He's like, "How do I find out whose music this is?"
I'm like, "You're yelling so loudly,
"I think they can hear you on the next fucking jet over, dude, chill out."
But he just keeps yelling in my face.
"This isn't my music. This is somebody else's."
I was like, "This cannot be the entire flight."
I will open the door. I will open the door up there.
You read these stories where people open the door up there.
It's this guy. They're like, "Fuck it, I'm leaving.
"I'll take my chances.
"I'm just going to look for a lake on the way down.
"Just gonna use my carry on, as, like, a Fortnite glider.
"This is gonna work out somehow."
Somehow.
But he just keeps yelling at me.
He just keeps hollering.
"I don't know whose music this is."
And then finally, he opens up his backpack
and he pulls out a tablet, like, an iPad, and he goes, "Oh, it's this."
I was like, "What?
"You don't even recognize your own music?"
Insane. Insane.
I was like, "This guy should run for president.
"He's got... He's got what we're looking for."
Everybody's got COVID again.
Almost nobody gives a shit.
What a difference a handful of years makes, huh?
Wow! Wow, how times have changed.
Remember back in 2020 when your friend told you
they have COVID? You'd be like, "Oh, my God.
"Well, I guess I'll help you fill out your will,
"and we can spend these precious last moments
"playing acoustic guitar over Zoom, I guess."
Now you tell your friend you have COVID.
They're like, "I don't give a shit, dude.
"You're still coming to my party. Nice try.
"Nice try, dude!
"No, you don't have to wear a mask.
"Just don't, like, double dip the chips, I guess.
"I have safety protocols in place."
I didn't emerge from the pandemic as a germaphobe,
which kind of surprised me.
But it's still weird now
to be in a group of people, and have someone
just uncork a raw sneeze around you.
It's like, "What the fuck are you doing, dude?"
They're just, like...
Or almost worse, people who sneeze into their hands directly, like...
"I'm actually saving this for later.
"I just thought I would... Just thought I would paw at everything
"on my way out of the room."
What's wrong with you? You sneeze in your elbow.
Did you not go to kindergarten?
You sneeze in here.
This is the trash can of the human body.
Everything you don't want goes in here.
Sneezes, cigarette butts...
Heroin.
Anything you're getting rid of.
Dump it.
I recently celebrated five years of not drinking booze.
Five years.
Thanks. Thanks. I say celebrated.
I was painting miniatures at home, alone, but...
You celebrate differently when you're sober, you know?
You celebrate fucking terribly.
That's how you celebrate.
Oh, my gosh.
I've never had to quit doing something I was so good at before.
That feels weird. It's like, "Take me out, coach.
"I'm crushing it.
"No, bench me. Bench me.
"Show some mercy on the world."
But I do drink a lot of non-alcoholic beer.
And I realized I'm getting a non-alcoholic beer gut from it.
Truly, no sadder way to gain weight.
That's the saddest way,
is the old NA beer gut.
At least with a real beer gut,
you're like, "Oh, man, the good times
"I'm pretty sure you and I have shared, compadre.
"I'm just kind of hazily piecing them together
"like a thrift store jigsaw puzzle."
But with a non-alcoholic beer gut,
you're like, "Wow, the crystal clear memories I have
"of pretending to have fun around people who are.
"Mmm! Thank you, Thank you,
"fifteen extra pounds of fat that I'm carrying around
"like a chubby baby that's never coming to term."
Mmm. Cool way to live.
I think non-alcoholic beer is kind of a weird product, though,
'cause, like on the spectrum of vices, beer is pretty low, right?
Beer is not even that crazy.
I want alternatives to, like, the real shit,
like, the good stuff.
Here's what I want. I want non-cokehead coke.
That's what I want.
From the makers of non-alcoholic beer,
non-cokehead coke.
I can't do real coke. I've got a flippity-floppity heart.
But non-cokehead coke?
Let's do this. I'm on board.
I wanna hang out
in some of Denver's grossest bathroom stalls with my friends.
Just kick open the door like, "Fuck, yeah!
"Are we ripping snoots in here or what?
"Let's go."
I don't know the terms. Why would I?
Like chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop...
"Oh, yeah, mine's strawberry. What are you guys doing?
"Oh, yeah, that's good. That's tangy.
"What are we talking about in here? Ourselves?
"Yeah, that's what I thought. Cool. Cool. Perfect.
"Perfect. Perfect."
I'm getting older. I'm in my 40s, obviously.
I think one of the worst things about getting older,
it's not when your knee turns into breadcrumbs.
Or you hurt your back sleeping.
Although those are both terrible.
I think one of the worst things about getting older
is when dumb shit makes you cranky.
Because then you feel old, right?
You're like, "Oh, this dumb shit is making me cranky.
"It's, like, irritating me."
But I feel like I could be part of the first generation
who's kind of right about
the dumb shit that's making them cranky.
Look at what used to make old people cranky.
They'd be like, "Rock and roll? I hate it."
They're like, "A baseball cap indoors?
"You're making the president cry!"
Like, "What? Shut up, you weird, old fuck!
"Whose rules are these?"
But shit nowadays is kind of dumb.
TikTok, Post Malone, electric unicycles?
That shit's dumb. I'm sorry.
And if that makes me old, I could not be happier to be old.
Fucking age my ass up, baby.
Hand me the wrong chalice at the end of Indiana Jones.
I'm ready to go.
Turn me into dust.
Yeah, that's even an old movie reference.
I know some of you clenched up
when I made fun of precious things
like TikTok,
but let's look at this stuff.
Like, all social media is pretty dumb,
we can agree on some level.
But TikTok is like another level of dumb.
Some of you are old enough to remember something called public-access television.
Do you remember public-access television?
Public-access television was TV that anybody could make.
If you're just, like, a weird person
who wants your own show,
come on down to the studio and you can have your own show.
What's the show? It's Craig's Succulents.
It's a guy named Craig showing off his succulent plants.
By the way, this is the set of Craig's Succulents, I had it brought in.
I had brought in special just for this taping.
It was hard to get, it was hard to get.
But TikTok is like public-access TV.
But you don't even go down to the studio.
You're just sitting in the driver's seat of your car,
pretending to be a doctor. It's terrifying.
And Post Malone. Like, I've heard Post Malone is a cool guy.
I've heard he's a nice guy.
But that dude isn't even 30 yet.
And he got "always tired" tattooed on his face.
Just you wait, my good bitch.
Just you wait.
Oh, boy, if you think you're tired now...
That dude's going to be in his 50s,
and that shit's gonna have dribbled down his face
like a spooky Halloween font
in one of life's cruelest lessons.
And electric unicycles?
Oh, my God, I remember growing up in the '80s.
You think about the year 2024,
you're probably gonna have your own flying car, friend.
So get ready.
Your own personal flying car.
Smash cut to 2024.
They're like, "Yeah, we're still working on the flying car,
"but as a consolation prize, electric unicycle? Huh?"
Who is this product even for?
It's like, "Yeah, I don't want the exercise,
"but I do want to look fucking dumb."
Congrats.
Yeah, we got something for you.
Zip on out of here, you lazy clown!
Get out of here!
I read this sobering statistic recently.
I don't know if any of you have heard this.
Every hot dog you eat
takes 30 minutes off your life.
Oh, yeah!
Yeah, I'll say it again.
Every hot dog you ingest removes 30 minutes from your lifespan.
And I read that. And I was like, "Hell, yeah.
"It looks like somebody's getting off work
"a few weeks early. Let's go."
It turns out I'm using my vacation time on the back end.
Let's go.
I will be honest with you all. I could go at any time.
I could die tonight on this stage.
I've eaten too many hot dogs.
I didn't know this fact.
I didn't know this when I was all in on hot dogs.
I am glad, though, that they just did hot dogs
and then they stopped.
I do not want the doom math
for all the terrible foods I enjoy.
Oh, my God. Can you imagine?
They're like, "Did you know
"that every full size bag of Doritos you eat alone in your car,
"takes 45 minutes off your life?"
I'm like, "No, stop!"
"Did you know every frozen pizza you bake
"and then fold in half and eat like a giant taco
"takes four months off your life?"
It's like, "Quit it! Stop it!"
I'm here for a gross time. Not a long time.
Leave me alone.
I do suffer a bit from anxiety and depression.
I don't know if I should say suffer
because maybe that trivializes it
for people who have it really bad.
My depression is like, I'm visited by depression.
That's how my depression is.
My depression is like a shitty roommate
who most of the time isn't around.
He's, like, over at his girlfriend's or something.
He's not around, it's great.
But every now and then, he comes home.
Case in point, a little while ago,
I found a weird bump on my arm
and I was like, "Oh, shit, what's this bump?"
Like, "What if this is cancer?"
And then I immediately thought,
"Well, maybe you'll die. Who gives a shit?"
Oh! Roommate's home.
"Hey, bud, didn't hear you come in.
"Go ahead and bring all the mugs out of your room while you're coming out.
"Thanks."
"You still owe me half the utilities, Depression."
Sometimes there's a silver lining to depression.
Sometimes I save money. That's great, right?
The other day, the airbag warning light came on in my car.
I was like, "Good." Boom. Save 200 bucks.
I'm never getting it fixed, ever.
I'll take a free behind-the-scenes tour of how an odometer works.
I don't give a shit. Thanks, Volkswagen.
I've been going to the gym more. I've been trying to get into shape.
I have a hard time at the gym because I get so bored.
I get bored of all these machines that are pretending
to be something that you might do outside.
Like, I got tired of the sidewalk to nowhere, the treadmill.
I got tired of the bicycle to nowhere,
the stationary bike.
So I was like, "You know what? I'm gonna try this new machine
"that I've kind of seen lurking in my peripheral vision,"
which is the staircase to nowhere.
Maybe your gym has one of these.
It's like a treadmill upstairs, just stairs forever.
If you're looking for an appetizer of what hell is going to be like,
it's this. It's infinity stairs.
And as soon as I got on, I was like,
"Wow, I've made a horrible mistake. Holy shit."
I guess I'm not really a stairs guy, it turns out.
I'm just suffering up there.
And sometimes when I'm having a hard time doing an exercise,
I'll give myself, like, some kind of, like, daydream to motivate myself.
Maybe some of you do this where you, like, focus up.
You're like, "All right, just think of this scenario
"and see if you can power through it."
So I'm, like, on the stair machine.
And I'm like, "Are you telling me
"that if your daughter was trapped
"on the 50th floor of a burning building,
"you can run your ass up the stairwell
"and rescue her, right?
"Let's get to work, bud. Let's hoof it out."
So I'm like, "All right, we can do this."
I made it up 48 flights of stairs,
and then I basically fell backwards
off the machine like, "No, she's gone!
"No!"
I'm just grabbing people walking by,
"Where the fuck was the fire department?
"Why was it my job to go up there?
"That's crazy!"
It turns out there is a judgment zone
in a Planet Fitness, and I found it.
That's it.
I don't often ask the crowd questions,
but I do have a question for all of you tonight,
and you can answer either by yelling it out
or raising your hand, depending on your upbringing.
Dealer's choice.
Who here thinks they've had the worst hiccups of their life, situationally?
And I'll give you an example of what I'm talking about.
Let's say you're on a speeding bus
trying to defuse a bomb
and you've got the hiccups during that.
That would be the worst hiccups of your life.
Situationally.
Who here thinks they've had the worst hiccups of their life,
situationally?
Nobody? Just all peaches and cream hiccups in here tonight.
All right. Impressive.
Nice. Well, here's the reason I asked,
because I recently had a colonoscopy
and I got the hiccups during that.
If you wanted to know what
my personal worst hiccups were.
I've never felt more like a fucking lollipop in my life.
I was like, instead of giving me the mild sedative they promised,
they've killed me and I've gone to hell
because this has to be hell.
They said I wouldn't even be awake for this.
Not only am I awake, I've got the hiccups.
I can't get rid of them, right?
I'm unscareable in this moment.
I'm naked on my side with a camera in my butt,
surrounded by three strangers.
If someone comes in this room with a running chainsaw,
I'd be like, "Right here. Cut it off! Cut it off!
"Let me draw a dotted line for you.
"Get this head off my body."
Get out of here.
And I mercifully nodded off
from that sweet, sweet heroin they pipe into you, or whatever it is.
And I didn't know this. When you get a colonoscopy,
they don't let you drive to the appointment.
And in a weirdly specific twist,
you can't take a Rideshare or the bus, either.
It's got to be a friend or a family member.
It's that specific.
It's got to be a friend or a family member.
So if you're lonely, it's ass cancer for you, bud.
Sorry, I don't make the rules.
It's got to be a friend or a family member.
Guess you'd better sit down and make one of the weirdest
Craigslist posts of all time.
"Looking for a temporary friend or family member
"for my butt camera appointment.
"No, we don't have to be friends after the appointment."
I can understand why they don't let you drive, right?
You just came out of your little heroin nap.
That wouldn't be safe.
I guess it makes sense that you can't take a Rideshare.
Maybe you'd fall asleep in the backseat,
or you'd give them the wrong address.
But I can't take the bus?
Have you ridden the city bus lately?
I think they can take it.
I think the bus... I think the bus can handle it.
I can just shamble on there with that assless hospital gown.
No one's saying shit.
Everyone could care less.
I can just lay down in the aisle like a Renaissance painting.
No one gives a fuck.
Like, "Yeah, it's the bus." "Yeah, this is part of the bus."
"Yeah. This one goes by the colonoscopy center.
"So we get about ten a day.
"We just stack them in the bus like firewood, and off we go."
Huh?
I did recently have some lifesaving surgery that...
Well, a vasectomy, but it counts.
It counts.
The life you save could be your own.
Yeah, if you like doing dumb shit like I do.
I didn't know anything about a vasectomy before I got one.
And maybe some of you dudes here tonight
are curious about it, and you don't know anything about it.
So let me break it down for you.
I can tell you... I can tell you all about it.
First of all, the entire procedure
took seven minutes.
Seven minutes to fix me like a dog.
Snip, snip.
It's taken me longer to put on a condom before.
Holy shit!
I'm like, "All right, this one's expired.
"Okay, I don't really trust that.
"That's a ramen seasoning packet. I don't know...
"I don't know why I left that on my nightstand.
"That's on me."
The entire appointment,
consultation and procedure, took 39 minutes.
It's like getting a mole removed. Thirty-nine minutes.
I think they do the consultation right before the procedure,
because if they told dudes what they were about to do to them
and then let them leave the building,
they'd never come back.
They'd be like, "I'm just gonna keep rolling the dice
"on the accident babies. But thanks, bye."
But the doctor waits until I'm naked from the waist down.
I'm laying on a table with paper over my junk
like the world's grossest deli.
And then he tells me what he's going to do.
He's like, "All right, I'm going to make a hole in your scrotum.
"I'm going to sever both your vas deferens,
"I'm going to seal them with heat.
"And then I'm gonna put titanium clamps on them
"so they can't grow back."
What? Titanium clamps?
It sounds like you're trying to kill a villain in a Marvel movie.
What the fuck?
I mean, titanium is a great metal.
I like it on my bicycle.
I don't know if I need it in my nuts.
That's quite... That's quite an upgrade.
But what am I supposed to say?
I'm already there on the table. Like,
"You'll have to catch me first." Like...
I just get up, I'm just Winnie the Pooh-ing around the office, like...
Like, "He's hard to get.
"He's a pretty spry for an older guy."
Just chugging around.
I'm like, "All right, I guess you will.
"'Cause you caught me. I'm ready to go."
Another delusion I was laboring under
was that I was going to be totally out for it.
Uh, no, it's the most local anesthetic
you've ever had.
You'll never be more awake for anything in your fucking life.
I can tell you that right now.
He gives me a couple of shots
and he's like, "All right, I'm ready to get started."
I'm like, "What? Right now, while I'm, like, thinking and talking
"and remembering?
"Seriously, you can't, like, hit me with a cartoon hammer first?"
He's like, "No, no, we're good to go."
I'm like, "Fuck!"
So I'm just laying there,
making small talk about comedy writing with this doctor
while smoke is coming out of my balls.
Smoke.
You don't wanna see smoke come out of any body part, right?
Like your hand. You're like, "Fuck, my hand is smoking! No!"
But my balls? I'm like, "Is it gonna set off the sprinklers in here?"
Holy shit.
He's like, "No, this is totally normal."
I was like, "I don't think it is, dude.
"I think you're over-roasting 'em.
"You're giving me the Starbucks, dude.
"Pull back a little bit.
"Let's go."
And then after that, they seal you up
with a dollop of glue,
like from a Michaels craft store hot glue gun.
I was like, "Why, did you waste all your stitches money on titanium?
"What the fuck is this?
"You're just gonna glue my nuts shut?"
"Yep. And then off you go."
They just give you a slap on the ass
to make it extra demeaning.
"You can catch that bus right out front, dipshit.
"Let's go.
"Get out of here."
Thirty-nine minutes.
You could do it on your lunch break at work.
You just come hobbling back into the office.
"Hey, how was lunch?" "Uh...
"Surprisingly awake."
And then like, "Were you smoking out there?"
"What is that, pipe tobacco?"
"No."
It does feel a little weird, though,
to get a vasectomy as a single guy in my 40s.
It feels a little bit like
installing a seat belt on my couch, right?
It's like, "Where do you think you're going, bud?"
Like...
"No. Can't be too safe.
"You're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
"Safety first around here, bro.
"Absolutely.
"Maybe wear a hard hat to the fridge while you're at it, pussy.
"How about that? How about that?"
A few weeks ago, I was sitting in the tub.
It was a Friday night. Just sitting in the tub,
reading a science fiction novel,
drinking some sleepytime tea. Yeah.
I told y'all, I quit drinking.
So, eat my ass, fun. How about that?
That's the new Friday night tub time.
Just having a tub, reading a book, having some sleepytime tea.
It was great. Having a perfectly nice time.
You ever drink tea and the tea bag rips a little bit,
you get debris in your mouth. Not a big deal.
You just spit it back in the mug.
I'm finishing up my sleepytime tea.
Oh, got a little something, spit it back in the mug...
Oh, not tea at all.
Just a black spider the size of a baby's hand.
Yeah.
It was a good thing I was already naked and in the tub.
I could just start immediately screaming.
It was such a short cut for me.
I've never done the opposite things
faster in my life.
I was like, "Wow, this is so relaxing.
"I don't know if I could ever be more relaxed."
"I'll never relax again.
"And in fact, I'm setting fire to this house with me inside it.
"I'm leaving."
These spiders are out of control.
People always say this about spiders.
They're like, "You know, they're more afraid of you
"than you are of them."
Uh, bull-fucking-shit!
The spider just suicide bombed my sleepytime tea.
That's aggressive.
'Cause you didn't, like, slip taking a sip of it.
Like, "I'm also tired."
That wasn't even the end of it, either.
A few weeks later, I'm sitting on the toilet.
There was a spider hiding under the toilet seat,
and it ran across my bare ass cheek.
Yeah, I am ruined for life by this.
I will never be the same.
Anytime I hear someone talk about a habit
that they can't change, I'm like, "Oh, yeah, really?
"Why don't you try sitting down on a toilet
"and having a spider run across your bare ass cheek
"and tell me you don't check every toilet seat
"for the rest of your life?"
Because that's my life now.
I'm checking and you can't just check the toilet seat
because what if they're under the rim of the actual toilet?
So you've got to give it a couple good whacks
to scare the spider out.
Give it a few bangs.
So I'm the lunatic in the public restroom.
Like, wham, wham, wham!
Like, "What? Sometimes there's spiders in here, dude.
"Well, I lived it, fuck-face.
"So not that funny actually."
Just a maniac.
So in related news, I moved recently.
I moved to a new place.
It was hard. It was hard moving.
I had to go through so many terrible apartment ads.
So many terrible house ads.
And I came across the craziest apartment review
I've ever seen in my life.
And I'm gonna read it for all of you tonight.
This is an actual one-star apartment review
from right here in Denver by some guy named Adam.
First of all, this review is written in all caps,
zero punctuation,
or as we all know, the language of the damned.
I've never even written in this style.
I don't even know how you write like this.
Like, you sit down, like, punch your Caps Lock key,
and, like, duct tape yourself to your gaming chair
like, "Let's fucking do this."
Just enter some kind of fugue state.
I don't know. But here we go.
One-star review. Don't panic. It's not very long.
By Adam.
"Do not move here.
"Worst place ever.
"Ghosts everywhere in the house.
"You can't even sleep the night.
"Couldn't wait till my lease was up.
"Lived there for a year.
"Expensive. Not worth it.
"People come from different places to the pool,
"and they don't even live there,
"and office does nothing about it."
One star by Adam.
First of all, so chill with the ghosts up front.
But he's like, "But the real problem
"is people sneaking into the pool."
Sure, there are the shambling
supernatural specters of the undead
roaming the halls at night.
But seriously, whose fucking kids are these
down at the pool?
These kids don't live here. They're climbing over the fence.
Priorities, Adam. Nicely done.
First of all, if you're complaining about
other people using your pool,
you're at best, a pool grinch
and at worst, a fucking racist.
Who gives a shit?
Let people use your pool.
As soon as one other stranger is in your pool, it's ruined.
You're basically taking a bath with a stranger.
So just let everybody in. The more the merrier.
Open the gate.
But going back to the ghosts, I'd like to imagine
this is this dude's first shitty apartment ever.
He's never even heard about thin walls.
He's never heard that that's even an option.
He grew up in, like, a stone castle
in Romania or something.
So on his very first night, he's like, "Oh, my God.
"Whoa! There's a ghost upstairs.
"It's walking around on high heels.
"Oh, my God.
"The other night I heard a ghost behind this wall.
"It sounds like it listens to the same shows
"I like to watch.
"The other night, I was trying to sleep.
"I heard two ghosts fucking in the wall."
"Yeah."
The next morning, they see those neighbors, like,
"Did you hear those ghosts fucking in the wall?"
They're like, "Uh...
"We've gotta move. Yeah, we're gonna move."
Did y'all ever eat meat around a vegetarian
and they give you these little thought puzzles to solve?
Yeah, like, you'll be eating a hamburger.
And they're like, "Oh, you like that hamburger?
"Think you could ever kill a cow?"
And I was like, "Lo, I could never kill a cow.
"Okay? You busted me."
They got those sweet brown eyes.
Those long eyelashes. I could never kill a cow.
You're, like, eating some bacon,
they're like, "Oh, you like that bacon?
"Think you could ever kill a pig?"
"Again? No, I could never kill a pig. Okay?
"They're smarter than dogs.
"It would be, like, nuzzling my leg.
"I could never kill a pig."
"Oh, you like that turkey sub?
"Think you could ever kill a turkey?"
I could kill the fuck out of a turkey. Are you kidding me?
Turkeys? Nature's monsters?
Not a problem. I can do that one.
I don't even know what a turkey is.
It's like somebody put a bird in a bunch of chewed up gum
in those teleporter pods from The Fly.
And then, like, a turkey comes lurching out through the smoke.
It's got its brains on the outside of its head.
It's got a fucking System of a Down goatee.
What kind of bird...
What kind of bird needs a new metal goatee?
It's insane.
If you go to a farm, you go to a farm sanctuary,
you'll always end up with one turkey following you
with its head cocked with this, like,
mentally unwell prisoner energy.
Like, yeah, "Fuck around. Find out."
"Jesus, turkey. I'm gonna kill you
"just to keep you away from me. Get the fuck out of here!
"I'm gonna kick you like a beach ball."
No. I'm just joking.
I would never kill a turkey.
You could never kill a turkey.
What if you tried to kick it and you missed? You're dead.
You just signed your own death warrant.
That turkey is going to climb up your body
and scratch your eyes out so...
Fine. I wouldn't kill a turkey either.
Was thinking recently about how dumb Batman is.
Yeah, not everyone loves this one. But, uh...
I grew up loving comic books.
I loved Batman.
And then I actually, like, analyzed what Batman really is.
Let's take a look at what Batman is.
Batman is a billionaire
who dresses up in body armor
and then the cops turn on a special light
on top of the police station and Batman shows up.
And then the cops tell him
which mentally ill person to go beat the fuck out of.
That's Batman. That's how Batman works.
So if we had a Batman in our world, how it would work
is the cops turn on a special light
on top of the police station,
and then, like, Elon Musk shows up wearing body armor.
And the cops are like, "Yeah, Kanye is off his meds again."
And he's like, "I'm on it," and he jumps in his stupid truck
and auto drives away, runs over a kid.
That's our Batman.
And that's the best Batman we could get.
It's sad. Sad but true.
I don't understand this new trend either
of putting cop merch on cars.
I see this all the time in Denver.
People love to put cop merch on their car now.
They got the American flag with the blue stripe through it.
Like "Back the blue."
"I wish a cop would carry me up to bed and tuck me in."
I was like, what?
When did we become a nation of dorks?
Like, "You know who my favorite person in class is?
"The teacher."
Like, shut up!
What's wrong with you?
Being a cop is a job.
They get a salary, they get a pension,
they have the best union.
They don't need you running a non-profit
on the back window of your truck.
And people are like, "Yeah, but being a cop is a hard job."
Yeah, so is pumping out porta potties.
Nobody's got those guys' back.
There's no Poo Lives Matter stickers.
There's no American flag with a diarrhea green stripe
going through it.
Everyone in this room would rather be a cop
than pump out porta potties.
And that's a fact.
You can take that to the bank.
People are like, "Yeah, but cops can get shot at their job.
"Ever think about that?"
Well, spoiler alert.
Every American has unlocked that perk actually.
The difference is cops get body armor
and the rest of us will be holding up our employee badge.
So not that cool. It's not that cool.
I've actually been arrested a few times.
I've actually been to jail twice.
Relax. It was for killing someone.
Uh...
No, it was for expired license plates. Both times.
Failure to appear in court for expired license plates.
That's a pretty funny way to go to jail.
People are like, "What are you in for?"
Uh, crippling ADHD, apparently.
Because I'd rather be in jail than get my license plates.
People ask me what the worst part about jail is, and I'll tell you what it is.
First of all, I'm talking about jail, not prison.
This is the minor leagues of putting people in cages,
not the pros.
But in jail, I'll tell you what the worst thing about jail is.
It's not the food, although the food sucks.
There's one jail I went to where every single meal
was a dry bologna sandwich and an old withered orange.
Every meal. Same meal.
Dried bologna sandwich, old orange.
It was like being taken care of
by a single parent doing the absolute minimum.
It's not the toothbrush, although the toothbrush sucks.
They won't give an inmate a regular toothbrush.
As we all know, you'll immediately whittle it
into a dagger and kill someone.
You can't handle that responsibility.
So the toothbrush in jail is like a lollipop stick
with a little sponge on it,
and they wrap it up in cellophane.
And the first night they passed them out,
I thought they were suckers.
I was like, "Whoa, you get suckers before bed in jail?
"I thought this was supposed to be punishment.
"This place rules. We get night candy?
"Fuck, yeah.
"This is some bad boy shit.
"I'm on board."
But I found out it was a toothbrush
because the guy was walking by my open cell
and I was like, "Hey, is this a toothbrush?"
And he snatched it out of my hand and he goes,
"Yeah, it is." And then he just walked away with it,
and I was like, "Whoa, cool move, dude. Nice work."
You know what they say about jail.
On your first day, find the littlest guy in there and steal his toothbrush.
So power move.
Enjoy those minty teeth, you fuck.
It's not your cellmate, although that's also terrible.
Have you ever been on an elevator ride
with someone who might have been,
like, creepy, or weird or smell bad?
Now imagine there are all of those things
and that elevator is never opening.
That's what it's like to have a cellmate.
The weirdest thing about cellmates, though,
is that they always want the top bunk.
It's like people never outgrow that, I guess.
Like... "Top bunk, top bunk."
Like, grow up, dude. What's next?
You're gonna call shotgun for the electric chair?
Relax.
You child.
No. The worst thing about jail is the holding cell.
The holding cell was horrible.
Right here in downtown Denver,
the holding cell is just one big room,
and it's got metal benches fastened onto the wall.
And they just put everybody they caught
for the night in there, one after the other.
And everyone who comes to the door
is having the worst night of their life.
Some of them are actively bleeding.
They're screaming. They're so mad.
They're all fucked up on God knows what.
And just every time the door opens,
it's a new ingredient for a terrible stew,
and you have no idea how long you're gonna be in there.
They just keep adding people, and in the middle of all this,
there's one metal toilet
with no curtain and no partition.
And as soon as I walked in there,
I was like, "Body, I'm gonna make a deal with you right now.
"I will die of septic shock before I shit in that toilet.
"Okay?"
And my body was like, "Same page, dude. Absolutely.
"Same page. We're taking this one to the grave.
"We're not gonna do it."
But I'll tell you who you do have to watch out for in jail.
It's the dude who who walked into that room
and immediately strutted over to that toilet
and shit in front of everyone.
Just making furious eye contact with each person in the room.
That's the dude who you do not fuck with
because he's ready to die.
He's left it all behind.
That's the real power move.
I've got two Huskies at home. Dogs, not chubby kids.
I've got two Husky dogs.
I've got a boy Husky and a girl Husky.
And a lot of times when I walk them,
people will point to the boy Husky
and they'll be like, "Hey, beautiful dog!"
Then they just walk away.
It's always that dog. It's always the boy dog.
"Hey, beautiful dog. Do-do-do-do!"
I just wanna start yelling after them.
"Hey, they're both beautiful, actually, dickhead.
"Even if one more clearly on the inside,
"they have their charms."
But you would never do that with someone's kids, right?
Walk up to somebody with three kids, like,
"Hey, great-looking kid." Just walk away.
The other two kids are like, "We fight in the pit
"with sticks again tonight."
Yeah, you do, you creatures. Get in there.
I think my favorite invention to come out of the pandemic
are those talking dog mats.
Maybe you've seen this product.
I'll describe it and it'll sound like I'm having a fever dream.
But this is an actual thing that exists.
There are these mats and they have different buttons on them
and each button says a different word,
and you can train your dog to press the buttons.
And it's like you're chatting with them, right?
Like... "Feed me now please."
Definitely a pandemic invention.
You know, someone was locked up with their beagle.
And they're like, "Fuck, if I don't find a way
"to talk to Skittles here..."
"...I'm gonna French kiss a shotgun.
"So let's get down...
"Let's get down to the lab and start tinkering
"on the old talking dog mats."
But I saw this product, and I was like,
maybe I should get these talking dog mats, right?
I'm home alone with my dogs.
I get depressed all the time.
It would be great to be able to chat with my two dogs.
Then I remember what asshole jocks my Huskies are.
They'd be like, "Walk now, pussy, bitch."
I'm like, "Why did I put those buttons on the mat?
"That was shortsighted of me."
"Fuck you, beta cuck."
"Okay, I didn't read the description
"and I got the alt-right buttons.
'I've ruined my dogs. Great."
Or else I can't get my dogs to do anything
unless I talk to them like Scorpion from Mortal Kombat.
If I use my regular voice for my dogs,
they could care less. I'm like, "Guys, come in, bedtime.
"Hey, can't sleep outside in negative-ten-degree weather, I told you. Bedtime."
They're like, "Yeah, whatever, dildo."
But if I'm like, "Get over here!", they're like,
"Okay, yeah. Now you're talking our language."
And then I uppercut them to the ceiling.
They love it. It's tough love. It's horseplay.
They dig it.
I ran out of dog poop bags recently.
Yeah, the crowds were like, "How does the story end?"
I ran out of dog poop bags, went to the store,
they were all out of the unscented dog poop bags
that I usually buy.
So I had to buy lavender scented dog poop bags.
What maniac came up with lavender scented dog poo bags?
Finally, the tag team of artificial lavender
and dog shit high-fiving in my nose at last.
It's so gross.
It smells like somebody took a dump in a bathroom
with a bunch of potpourri.
It's awful.
I'd rather they smell like extra dog shit.
I'm already smelling that.
Just go all in with that, please.
I don't even know who this aromatherapy benefit's for.
Like, I'm down there trying to clean up two gallons
of Husky diarrhea out of the grass and like,
"Ooh...
"That lavender's hitting. That's nice."
It's kind of like a spa day just for one out here.
"Mmm. I needed this." It's insane.
Sometimes I'll find an unused bag in my back pocket
and I can just take it out and rub it all over my face.
Like a cologne sample.
Mmm. Mmm-hmm.
I know I smell like a Yankee Candle, don't I?
But it's not. It's a dog poop bag.
Yeah, yeah!
No, they make them in lavender.
Okay. "You want some?
"Okay. Well, the offer stands.
"I've got a whole roll back here."
My Huskies' second favorite thing to do
right after the first, which is to catch and kill
any small animal that enters the yard,
but a close second, is to surprise me
with a secret surprise bonus shit the instant
I run out of poop bags.
Maybe some of you have a dog with the same telepathic power.
It doesn't matter what time of day.
It doesn't matter if they just went two minutes ago,
they're, like, boom! "Time to unhatch this weird bonus shit
"we've always got ready to go
"because this guy just ran out of bags."
And I'll be honest with all of you tonight,
if you hire me for, like, an acting project
in film or television,
I'm gonna turn in a pretty solid C, C-minus performance.
I'll just be candid with you right now.
But, boy, you catch me on the side of a busy road
with my dog shitting, and I just ran out of bags,
get ready for the performance of a lifetime.
Oh, my God, the physical acting I will go through, like,
"What? No. What the fuck?
"Where are my bags? I always have them.
"This is crazy."
I'm, like, patting my ankles.
Like, "Sometimes they're in my bra."
I'm turning out my pockets, like, "This is madness!"
I'm making eye contact with every car going by
like, "I'm a bad person. What the fuck?
"This is villainous shit."
I start talking to people who aren't even around.
Like, "Yeah, I'm gonna come back and clean this up later."
Like, what? Shut up. No, you're not.
Yeah. Let me scamper home and write down a poop IOU.
"I'll be back tonight sneaking around the park."
Insane.
I have a hard time exercising my dogs.
I take them for a walk.
They're like, "Yeah, this isn't exercise for us."
I take them for a run.
They're like, "Okay, we're walking a little bit faster.
"And it's funny that this is hard for you.
"But still not exercise for us."
So I had this genius idea.
I have this belt that I wear that I can connect
their leashes to. It's like this dog sledding belt,
and I can just clip their leashes into it.
And I was like, "I'm gonna get my mountain bike out
"and I'm gonna put a dog on each side of it
"and I'm gonna ride my bike.
"And my dogs can just run as fast as they want next to my bike."
Now as soon as I said that idea,
some of you were immediately like,
"Wow, what a fucking terrible idea that is!" -
Holy shit!
At no point did I have that thought.
At no point was I like, "Hey, maybe sleep on this idea,"
or like, "Hey, it sounds like you thought a lot of the pros
"of this idea.
"What could be some of the possible cons of this idea?"
Nope. I was like, "I can't believe it took me
"this long to figure this out.
"I finally cracked it. What a life hack."
So I got the belt out.
I clipped the dogs to it,
hopped on my mountain bike and off we went.
And at first, it ruled.
I'm not gonna lie to you. It was great.
They're pulling my ass everywhere.
We're just zipping around. I barely even had to pedal.
It was like being on an e-bike or something.
My neighbors are just watching me go by like,
"This neighborhood has never been whiter.
"This is some peak white bullshit we're watching right now."
I'm just waving. "Yay! Here we go."
Until one day, I'm at the park.
I'm just turning in some laps.
I'm just trying to tire these two dickheads out.
We're just going around and there's this couple
walking their dog towards us
and my dogs love another dog. Oh, boy.
Do they love another dog.
And I was like, "You know what?
"I'm gonna get going so fast
"that my dogs won't even have a chance
"to get distracted by this other dog.
"Because we're just gonna be going at top speed.
"So let's just hit the afterburners.
"We're just gonna blow right by this dog."
So I shift my bike. I'm riding as fast as I can.
And we pull about parallel with this dog.
I don't know. It's about 60 feet away.
And as soon as we pull parallel with it,
my two Huskies look over and they're like, "Oh, shit.
"We got to go meet that dog right now."
And they bolt and eject me from my bike
like I'm in Top Gun.
I leave so quickly.
I'm just like zoink!
There's just, like, a cartoon puff of smoke
in the outline of my body over the bike.
I smash into the ground. My dogs aren't done with me.
They're connected to my stupid fucking dog sledding belt.
Remember?
So they proceed to pull my body across the grass
like a dumpy Hefty bag on its way to Goodwill.
They just drag me over to this other dog.
And then they meet that dog like nothing has transpired.
They're like, "Oh, hey, you come to this park too?
"Oh, yeah. This is our park.
"Yeah. This is our regular park.
"Cool, man. Yeah, well, let's have a sniff."
At no point did they look behind them, like,
"Hey, check it out.
"We're dragging that asshole from back home."
They could not have given less of a fuck.
And I'm just lying there on my side
in the fetal position. like, "Oh, my God,
"did I just break every bone in my body?"
I'm, like, wiggling my fingers.
I'm wiggling my toes.
Just doing a full systems reboot.
And the couple is standing right there,
and the dude is standing over me.
And he's trying so hard not to laugh.
He says... "Dude, are you okay?"
And I was like, "Just laugh, dude.
"Holy shit!"
I would laugh forever if I saw this.
It would bring me endless joy.
And it was in that moment I realized
what a gift I just gave this couple.
This is gonna keep them together forever.
I have glued them together.
Decades from now, they could be in some fight.
Things are tense. Maybe it's over.
Maybe this is the end.
All it'll take is for them to be like,
"Hey, remember that asshole we saw at the park
"with those two Huskies?"
"I do and our love is special.
"I love you so much."
That's gonna do it for me, everyone.
Thank you so much for coming out.
Thank you very much.