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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Let's go.
I got in a car accident right before the show.

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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Cool, cool way
to start the show.

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Got rear ended out there
on the ice rink.

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Pretty, pretty sweet.

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00:00:15,782 --> 00:00:18,685
Always gets me
pumped for comedy.

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00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:22,523
Just pop out. "You know what?
The world is a magical place."

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00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:24,491
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

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I was on a flight recently.

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I was coming back to Denver
from Florida.

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I was doing some shows
down in Florida.

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We're getting ready to take off.

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I'm sitting in the middle seat
of a Southwest flight

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'cause I'm a Southwest
Rewards member.

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That's one of the perks.
And we're getting ready to take off.

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There's this old guy
sitting next to me.

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And he puts on his,
like, earbud headphones,

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and he immediately starts
screaming in my face.

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"Hey, I'm listening
to somebody else's music.

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"This is somebody else's music."

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I'm like, "I don't know.

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00:00:57,724 --> 00:00:59,393
"Jesus Christ, dude,"
I show him my phone.

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I'm like, "It's not mine."

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He's like, "How do I find out
whose music this is?"

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I'm like,
"You're yelling so loudly,

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"I think they can hear you
on the next fucking jet over, dude, chill out."

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But he just keeps
yelling in my face.

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"This isn't my music.
This is somebody else's."

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I was like, "This cannot be
the entire flight."

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I will open the door.
I will open the door up there.

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You read these stories
where people open the door up there.

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It's this guy. They're like,
"Fuck it, I'm leaving.

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"I'll take my chances.

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"I'm just going to look
for a lake on the way down.

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"Just gonna use my carry on,
as, like, a<i> Fortnite </i>glider.

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"This is gonna
work out somehow."

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Somehow.

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But he just keeps yelling at me.

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He just keeps hollering.

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"I don't know
whose music this is."

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And then finally,
he opens up his backpack

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and he pulls out a tablet,
like, an iPad, and he goes, "Oh, it's this."

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I was like, "What?

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"You don't even recognize
your own music?"

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Insane. Insane.

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I was like, "This guy
should run for president.

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"He's got... He's got
what we're looking for."

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00:02:06,894 --> 00:02:08,328
Everybody's got COVID again.

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00:02:08,328 --> 00:02:09,997
Almost nobody gives a shit.

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What a difference a handful
of years makes, huh?

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Wow! Wow, how times
have changed.

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Remember back in 2020
when your friend told you

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they have COVID?
You'd be like, "Oh, my God.

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"Well, I guess I'll help you
fill out your will,

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"and we can spend these
precious last moments

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"playing acoustic guitar
over Zoom, I guess."

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Now you tell your friend
you have COVID.

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They're like,
"I don't give a shit, dude.

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"You're still coming
to my party. Nice try.

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"Nice try, dude!

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"No, you don't
have to wear a mask.

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"Just don't, like, double dip
the chips, I guess.

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"I have safety protocols
in place."

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I didn't emerge
from the pandemic as a germaphobe,

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which kind of surprised me.

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But it's still weird now

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to be in a group of people,
and have someone

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just uncork a raw sneeze
around you.

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It's like, "What the fuck
are you doing, dude?"

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They're just, like...
[MIMICS SNEEZING]

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Or almost worse,
people who sneeze into their hands directly, like...

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"I'm actually saving this
for later.

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"I just thought I would...
Just thought I would paw at everything

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"on my way out of the room."

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What's wrong with you?
You sneeze in your elbow.

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Did you not go to kindergarten?

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You sneeze in here.

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This is the trash can
of the human body.

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Everything you don't want
goes in here.

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Sneezes, cigarette butts...

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Heroin.

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Anything you're getting rid of.

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Anything you're getting rid of.
Dump it.

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I recently celebrated five years
of not drinking booze.

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- Five years.
- [AUDIENCE WHOOPS]

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Thanks. Thanks.
I say celebrated.

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I was painting miniatures
at home, alone, but...

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You celebrate differently
when you're sober, you know?

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You celebrate fucking terribly.

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That's how you celebrate.

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Oh, my gosh.

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I've never had to quit
doing something I was so good at before.

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That feels weird.
It's like, "Take me out, coach.

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"I'm crushing it.

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00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:09,283
"No, bench me. Bench me.

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"Show some mercy on the world."

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00:04:12,452 --> 00:04:14,922
But I do drink a lot
of non-alcoholic beer.

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00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:18,425
And I realized I'm getting
a non-alcoholic beer gut from it.

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Truly, no sadder way
to gain weight.

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That's the saddest way,

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is the old NA beer gut.

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At least with a real beer gut,

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you're like, "Oh, man,
the good times

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"I'm pretty sure you and I
have shared, compadre.

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"I'm just kind of hazily
piecing them together

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"like a thrift store
jigsaw puzzle."

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But with
a non-alcoholic beer gut,

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you're like, "Wow,
the crystal clear memories I have

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"of pretending to have fun
around people who are.

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"Mmm! Thank you, Thank you,

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"fifteen extra pounds of fat
that I'm carrying around

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"like a chubby baby
that's never coming to term."

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Mmm. Cool way to live.

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I think non-alcoholic beer
is kind of a weird product, though,

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'cause, like on
the spectrum of vices, beer is pretty low, right?

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Beer is not even that crazy.

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I want alternatives
to, like, the real shit,

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like, the good stuff.

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Here's what I want.
I want non-cokehead coke.

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That's what I want.

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From the makers
of non-alcoholic beer,

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non-cokehead coke.

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I can't do real coke. I've got
a flippity-floppity heart.

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But non-cokehead coke?

126
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Let's do this. I'm on board.

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I wanna hang out

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in some of Denver's grossest
bathroom stalls with my friends.

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Just kick open the door
like, "Fuck, yeah!

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"Are we ripping snoots
in here or what?

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"Let's go."

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I don't know the terms.
Why would I?

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Like chop, chop, chop,
chop, chop, chop, chop... [INHALES SHARPLY]

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"Oh, yeah, mine's strawberry.
What are you guys doing?

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"Oh, yeah, that's good.
That's tangy.

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"What are we talking about
in here? Ourselves?

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"Yeah, that's what I thought.
Cool. Cool. Perfect.

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"Perfect. Perfect."

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I'm getting older.
I'm in my 40s, obviously.

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I think one of the worst things
about getting older,

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00:06:01,728 --> 00:06:04,831
it's not when your knee
turns into breadcrumbs.

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Or you hurt your back sleeping.

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Although those
are both terrible.

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I think one of the worst things
about getting older

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is when dumb shit
makes you cranky.

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Because then
you feel old, right?

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You're like, "Oh, this dumb shit
is making me cranky.

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00:06:18,078 --> 00:06:19,546
"It's, like, irritating me."

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But I feel like I could be
part of the first generation

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who's kind of right about

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the dumb shit
that's making them cranky.

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Look at what used
to make old people cranky.

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They'd be like, "Rock and roll?
I hate it."

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They're like,
"A baseball cap indoors?

155
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"You're making
the president cry!"

156
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Like, "What? Shut up,
you weird, old fuck!

157
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"Whose rules are these?"

158
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But shit nowadays
is kind of dumb.

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TikTok, Post Malone,
electric unicycles?

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That shit's dumb. I'm sorry.

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And if that makes me old,
I could not be happier to be old.

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Fucking age my ass up, baby.

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Hand me the wrong chalice
at the end of Indiana Jones.

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I'm ready to go.

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Turn me into dust.

166
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Yeah, that's even
an old movie reference.

167
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I know some of you clenched up

168
00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:06,860
when I made fun
of precious things

169
00:07:06,860 --> 00:07:08,061
like TikTok,

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00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:09,796
but let's look at this stuff.

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00:07:09,796 --> 00:07:11,265
Like, all social media
is pretty dumb,

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00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:12,566
we can agree on some level.

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But TikTok is like
another level of dumb.

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Some of you are old enough
to remember something called public-access television.

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Do you remember
public-access television?

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Public-access television
was TV that anybody could make.

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If you're just, like,
a weird person

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who wants your own show,

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00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:29,716
come on down to the studio
and you can have your own show.

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What's the show?
It's<i> Craig's Succulents.</i>

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00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:35,789
It's a guy named Craig
showing off his succulent plants.

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By the way, this is the set
of<i> Craig's Succulents,</i> I had it brought in.

183
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I had brought in special
just for this taping.

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It was hard to get,
it was hard to get.

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But TikTok
is like public-access TV.

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00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:51,471
But you don't even go down
to the studio.

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You're just sitting in
the driver's seat of your car,

188
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pretending to be a doctor.
It's terrifying.

189
00:07:55,676 --> 00:07:57,311
It's terrifying.

190
00:07:57,311 --> 00:07:59,813
And Post Malone.
Like, I've heard Post Malone is a cool guy.

191
00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:01,415
I've heard he's a nice guy.

192
00:08:01,415 --> 00:08:03,083
But that dude isn't even 30 yet.

193
00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:06,086
And he got "always tired"
tattooed on his face.

194
00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:08,789
[CHUCKLES] Just you wait,
my good bitch.

195
00:08:08,789 --> 00:08:10,490
Just you wait.

196
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,993
Oh, boy, if you think
you're tired now...

197
00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:15,696
That dude's going to be
in his 50s,

198
00:08:15,696 --> 00:08:18,699
and that shit's gonna have
dribbled down his face

199
00:08:18,699 --> 00:08:21,835
like a spooky Halloween font

200
00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:24,304
in one of life's
cruelest lessons.

201
00:08:27,374 --> 00:08:29,109
And electric unicycles?

202
00:08:29,109 --> 00:08:31,345
Oh, my God, I remember
growing up in the '80s.

203
00:08:31,345 --> 00:08:33,046
You think about the year 2024,

204
00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:35,115
you're probably gonna have
your own flying car, friend.

205
00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:36,216
So get ready.

206
00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:38,452
Your own personal flying car.

207
00:08:38,452 --> 00:08:40,153
Smash cut to 2024.

208
00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:42,389
They're like, "Yeah, we're still
working on the flying car,

209
00:08:42,389 --> 00:08:46,059
"but as a consolation prize,
electric unicycle? Huh?"

210
00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:47,327
Who is this product even for?

211
00:08:47,327 --> 00:08:48,862
It's like, "Yeah, I don't
want the exercise,

212
00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:50,531
"but I do want to look
fucking dumb."

213
00:08:50,531 --> 00:08:51,965
Congrats.

214
00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:54,234
Yeah, we got something for you.

215
00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:56,637
Zip on out of here,
you lazy clown!

216
00:08:56,637 --> 00:08:58,705
Get out of here!

217
00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:00,674
I read this sobering
statistic recently.

218
00:09:00,674 --> 00:09:02,075
I don't know if any of you
have heard this.

219
00:09:02,075 --> 00:09:04,344
Every hot dog you eat

220
00:09:04,344 --> 00:09:06,580
takes 30 minutes off your life.

221
00:09:06,580 --> 00:09:07,848
- [AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]
- MAN: Oh, yeah!

222
00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:09,516
Yeah, I'll say it again.

223
00:09:09,516 --> 00:09:15,355
Every hot dog you ingest
removes 30 minutes from your lifespan.

224
00:09:15,355 --> 00:09:16,890
And I read that.
And I was like, "Hell, yeah.

225
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,358
"It looks like somebody's
getting off work

226
00:09:18,358 --> 00:09:22,062
"a few weeks early. Let's go."

227
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:25,032
It turns out I'm using
my vacation time on the back end.

228
00:09:26,366 --> 00:09:28,602
Let's go.

229
00:09:28,602 --> 00:09:31,338
I will be honest with you all.
I could go at any time.

230
00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:33,240
I could die tonight
on this stage.

231
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:34,875
I've eaten too many hot dogs.

232
00:09:34,875 --> 00:09:36,577
I didn't know this fact.

233
00:09:36,577 --> 00:09:40,113
I didn't know this when I was
all in on hot dogs.

234
00:09:40,113 --> 00:09:41,849
I am glad, though, that they
just did hot dogs

235
00:09:41,849 --> 00:09:42,916
and then they stopped.

236
00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:44,718
I do not want the doom math

237
00:09:44,718 --> 00:09:46,954
for all the terrible foods
I enjoy.

238
00:09:46,954 --> 00:09:48,422
Oh, my God. Can you imagine?

239
00:09:48,422 --> 00:09:50,057
They're like, "Did you know

240
00:09:50,057 --> 00:09:52,593
"that every full size bag
of Doritos you eat alone in your car,

241
00:09:52,593 --> 00:09:55,028
"takes 45 minutes
off your life?"

242
00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:57,197
I'm like, "No, stop!"

243
00:09:57,197 --> 00:09:59,433
"Did you know every frozen pizza
you bake

244
00:09:59,433 --> 00:10:02,569
"and then fold in half
and eat like a giant taco

245
00:10:02,569 --> 00:10:05,939
"takes four months
off your life?"

246
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:08,375
It's like, "Quit it! Stop it!"

247
00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:10,811
I'm here for a gross time.
Not a long time.

248
00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:13,380
Leave me alone.

249
00:10:15,716 --> 00:10:18,118
I do suffer a bit
from anxiety and depression.

250
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:19,386
I don't know
if I should say suffer

251
00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:20,754
because maybe
that trivializes it

252
00:10:20,754 --> 00:10:22,089
for people
who have it really bad.

253
00:10:22,089 --> 00:10:25,659
My depression is like,
I'm visited by depression.

254
00:10:25,659 --> 00:10:26,894
That's how my depression is.

255
00:10:26,894 --> 00:10:28,795
My depression is like
a shitty roommate

256
00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:30,764
who most of the time
isn't around.

257
00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:32,733
He's, like, over at his
girlfriend's or something.

258
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:34,501
He's not around, it's great.

259
00:10:34,501 --> 00:10:36,670
But every now and then,
he comes home.

260
00:10:38,572 --> 00:10:39,973
Case in point,
a little while ago,

261
00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:41,408
I found a weird bump on my arm

262
00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:42,976
and I was like, "Oh, shit,
what's this bump?"

263
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:44,444
Like, "What if this is cancer?"

264
00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:45,612
And then I immediately thought,

265
00:10:45,612 --> 00:10:47,681
"Well, maybe you'll die.
Who gives a shit?"

266
00:10:47,681 --> 00:10:48,916
Oh! Roommate's home.

267
00:10:48,916 --> 00:10:51,785
"Hey, bud,
didn't hear you come in.

268
00:10:51,785 --> 00:10:54,454
"Go ahead and bring all the mugs
out of your room while you're coming out.

269
00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:55,422
"Thanks."

270
00:10:56,757 --> 00:10:59,326
"You still owe me
half the utilities, Depression."

271
00:11:02,529 --> 00:11:04,198
Sometimes there's a silver
lining to depression.

272
00:11:04,198 --> 00:11:05,999
Sometimes I save money.
That's great, right?

273
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:08,135
The other day, the airbag
warning light came on in my car.

274
00:11:08,135 --> 00:11:10,537
I was like, "Good."
Boom. Save 200 bucks.

275
00:11:10,537 --> 00:11:14,842
I'm never getting it
fixed, ever.

276
00:11:14,842 --> 00:11:18,312
I'll take a free
behind-the-scenes tour of how an odometer works.

277
00:11:18,312 --> 00:11:19,880
I don't give a shit.
Thanks, Volkswagen.

278
00:11:22,316 --> 00:11:24,384
I've been going to the gym more.
I've been trying to get into shape.

279
00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:26,220
I have a hard time at the gym
because I get so bored.

280
00:11:26,220 --> 00:11:28,689
I get bored
of all these machines that are pretending

281
00:11:28,689 --> 00:11:30,524
to be something
that you might do outside.

282
00:11:30,524 --> 00:11:33,527
Like, I got tired
of the sidewalk to nowhere, the treadmill.

283
00:11:33,527 --> 00:11:35,562
I got tired
of the bicycle to nowhere,

284
00:11:35,562 --> 00:11:37,164
the stationary bike.

285
00:11:37,164 --> 00:11:38,665
So I was like, "You know what?
I'm gonna try this new machine

286
00:11:38,665 --> 00:11:41,134
"that I've kind of seen lurking
in my peripheral vision,"

287
00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:43,403
which is the staircase
to nowhere.

288
00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:45,038
Maybe your gym has one of these.

289
00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:48,308
It's like a treadmill upstairs,
just stairs forever.

290
00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:51,979
If you're looking
for an appetizer of what hell is going to be like,

291
00:11:51,979 --> 00:11:55,215
it's this. It's infinity stairs.

292
00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:56,583
And as soon as I got on,
I was like,

293
00:11:56,583 --> 00:11:59,820
"Wow, I've made
a horrible mistake. Holy shit."

294
00:11:59,820 --> 00:12:03,524
I guess I'm not really
a stairs guy, it turns out.

295
00:12:03,524 --> 00:12:05,158
I'm just suffering up there.

296
00:12:05,158 --> 00:12:07,327
And sometimes when I'm having
a hard time doing an exercise,

297
00:12:07,327 --> 00:12:10,731
I'll give myself, like,
some kind of, like, daydream to motivate myself.

298
00:12:10,731 --> 00:12:12,699
Maybe some of you do this
where you, like, focus up.

299
00:12:12,699 --> 00:12:15,002
You're like, "All right,
just think of this scenario

300
00:12:15,002 --> 00:12:16,370
"and see if you
can power through it."

301
00:12:16,370 --> 00:12:18,038
So I'm, like,
on the stair machine.

302
00:12:18,038 --> 00:12:19,273
And I'm like,
"Are you telling me

303
00:12:19,273 --> 00:12:20,741
"that if your daughter
was trapped

304
00:12:20,741 --> 00:12:23,210
"on the 50th floor
of a burning building,

305
00:12:23,210 --> 00:12:25,078
"you can run your ass up
the stairwell

306
00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:26,346
"and rescue her, right?

307
00:12:26,346 --> 00:12:28,615
"Let's get to work, bud.
Let's hoof it out."

308
00:12:28,615 --> 00:12:30,017
So I'm like, "All right,
we can do this."

309
00:12:30,017 --> 00:12:32,553
I made it up
48 flights of stairs,

310
00:12:32,553 --> 00:12:34,454
and then
I basically fell backwards

311
00:12:34,454 --> 00:12:37,758
off the machine like,
"No, she's gone!

312
00:12:38,892 --> 00:12:41,061
"No!"

313
00:12:41,061 --> 00:12:43,130
I'm just grabbing people
walking by,

314
00:12:43,130 --> 00:12:46,400
"Where the fuck
was the fire department?

315
00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:48,435
"Why was it my job
to go up there?

316
00:12:49,303 --> 00:12:50,470
"That's crazy!"

317
00:12:52,639 --> 00:12:54,274
It turns out there is
a judgment zone

318
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:56,410
in a Planet Fitness,
and I found it.

319
00:12:56,410 --> 00:12:58,378
That's it.

320
00:12:58,378 --> 00:13:00,047
I don't often
ask the crowd questions,

321
00:13:00,047 --> 00:13:01,615
but I do have a question
for all of you tonight,

322
00:13:01,615 --> 00:13:03,550
and you can answer either
by yelling it out

323
00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:05,719
or raising your hand,
depending on your upbringing.

324
00:13:05,719 --> 00:13:07,621
Dealer's choice.

325
00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:12,593
Who here thinks they've had
the worst hiccups of their life, situationally?

326
00:13:12,593 --> 00:13:14,428
And I'll give you an example
of what I'm talking about.

327
00:13:14,428 --> 00:13:15,829
Let's say
you're on a speeding bus

328
00:13:15,829 --> 00:13:16,964
trying to defuse a bomb

329
00:13:16,964 --> 00:13:18,799
and you've got
the hiccups during that.

330
00:13:18,799 --> 00:13:20,968
That would be
the worst hiccups of your life.

331
00:13:20,968 --> 00:13:22,569
Situationally.

332
00:13:22,569 --> 00:13:25,138
Who here thinks they've had
the worst hiccups of their life,

333
00:13:25,806 --> 00:13:26,840
situationally?

334
00:13:28,775 --> 00:13:32,579
Nobody? Just all peaches
and cream hiccups in here tonight.

335
00:13:32,579 --> 00:13:33,780
All right. Impressive.

336
00:13:33,780 --> 00:13:35,516
Nice. Well,
here's the reason I asked,

337
00:13:35,516 --> 00:13:37,518
because I recently had
a colonoscopy

338
00:13:37,518 --> 00:13:39,686
and I got the hiccups
during that.

339
00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:41,421
If you wanted to know what

340
00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:43,757
my personal worst hiccups were.

341
00:13:43,757 --> 00:13:47,628
I've never felt more like
a fucking lollipop in my life.

342
00:13:47,628 --> 00:13:51,131
I was like, instead of
giving me the mild sedative they promised,

343
00:13:51,131 --> 00:13:53,000
they've killed me
and I've gone to hell

344
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,868
because this has to be hell.

345
00:13:54,868 --> 00:13:56,637
They said I wouldn't
even be awake for this.

346
00:13:56,637 --> 00:13:59,173
Not only am I awake,
I've got the hiccups.

347
00:13:59,173 --> 00:14:00,474
I can't get rid of them, right?

348
00:14:00,474 --> 00:14:03,010
I'm unscareable in this moment.

349
00:14:03,010 --> 00:14:05,612
I'm naked on my side
with a camera in my butt,

350
00:14:05,612 --> 00:14:07,347
surrounded by three strangers.

351
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:09,650
If someone comes in this room
with a running chainsaw,

352
00:14:09,650 --> 00:14:12,186
I'd be like, "Right here.
Cut it off! Cut it off!

353
00:14:12,186 --> 00:14:13,720
"Let me draw a dotted line
for you.

354
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:15,189
"Get this head off my body."

355
00:14:16,123 --> 00:14:17,457
Get out of here.

356
00:14:17,457 --> 00:14:19,293
And I mercifully nodded off

357
00:14:19,293 --> 00:14:22,796
from that sweet, sweet heroin
they pipe into you, or whatever it is.

358
00:14:22,796 --> 00:14:24,831
And I didn't know this.
When you get a colonoscopy,

359
00:14:24,831 --> 00:14:26,967
they don't let you
drive to the appointment.

360
00:14:26,967 --> 00:14:29,236
And in a weirdly specific twist,

361
00:14:29,236 --> 00:14:31,905
you can't take a Rideshare
or the bus, either.

362
00:14:31,905 --> 00:14:34,474
It's got to be a friend
or a family member.

363
00:14:34,474 --> 00:14:35,709
It's that specific.

364
00:14:35,709 --> 00:14:39,146
It's got to be a friend
or a family member.

365
00:14:39,146 --> 00:14:41,882
So if you're lonely,
it's ass cancer for you, bud.

366
00:14:41,882 --> 00:14:44,418
Sorry, I don't make the rules.

367
00:14:44,418 --> 00:14:47,187
It's got to be a friend
or a family member.

368
00:14:47,187 --> 00:14:49,256
Guess you'd better sit down
and make one of the weirdest

369
00:14:49,256 --> 00:14:50,891
Craigslist posts of all time.

370
00:14:52,726 --> 00:14:55,696
"Looking for a temporary
friend or family member

371
00:14:55,696 --> 00:14:58,866
"for my butt camera appointment.

372
00:14:58,866 --> 00:15:02,903
"No, we don't have to be friends
after the appointment."

373
00:15:02,903 --> 00:15:05,105
I can understand why
they don't let you drive, right?

374
00:15:05,105 --> 00:15:06,607
You just came out
of your little heroin nap.

375
00:15:06,607 --> 00:15:08,041
That wouldn't be safe.

376
00:15:08,041 --> 00:15:09,743
I guess it makes sense
that you can't take a Rideshare.

377
00:15:09,743 --> 00:15:11,411
Maybe you'd fall asleep
in the backseat,

378
00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:13,547
or you'd give them
the wrong address.

379
00:15:13,547 --> 00:15:16,083
But I can't take the bus?

380
00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:17,784
Have you ridden
the city bus lately?

381
00:15:17,784 --> 00:15:19,186
I think they can take it.

382
00:15:19,186 --> 00:15:22,256
I think the bus...
I think the bus can handle it.

383
00:15:22,256 --> 00:15:25,726
I can just shamble on there
with that assless hospital gown.

384
00:15:25,726 --> 00:15:26,927
No one's saying shit.

385
00:15:28,629 --> 00:15:31,064
Everyone could care less.

386
00:15:31,064 --> 00:15:34,468
I can just lay down in the aisle
like a Renaissance painting.

387
00:15:34,468 --> 00:15:36,036
No one gives a fuck.

388
00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:39,239
Like, "Yeah, it's the bus."
"Yeah, this is part of the bus."

389
00:15:39,239 --> 00:15:41,608
"Yeah. This one goes by
the colonoscopy center.

390
00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:43,277
"So we get about ten a day.

391
00:15:43,277 --> 00:15:45,913
"We just stack them in the bus
like firewood, and off we go."

392
00:15:47,581 --> 00:15:50,551
Huh? [CHUCKLES]

393
00:15:50,551 --> 00:15:53,387
I did recently have
some lifesaving surgery that...

394
00:15:53,387 --> 00:15:55,155
Well, a vasectomy,
but it counts.

395
00:15:55,789 --> 00:15:57,758
It counts.

396
00:15:57,758 --> 00:15:59,493
The life you save
could be your own.

397
00:15:59,493 --> 00:16:02,429
Yeah, if you like doing
dumb shit like I do.

398
00:16:02,429 --> 00:16:04,965
I didn't know anything
about a vasectomy before I got one.

399
00:16:04,965 --> 00:16:06,600
And maybe some of
you dudes here tonight

400
00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:08,468
are curious about it,
and you don't know anything about it.

401
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:09,970
So let me break it down for you.

402
00:16:09,970 --> 00:16:12,940
I can tell you...
I can tell you all about it.

403
00:16:12,940 --> 00:16:14,808
First of all,
the entire procedure

404
00:16:14,808 --> 00:16:16,677
took seven minutes.

405
00:16:16,677 --> 00:16:19,146
Seven minutes
to fix me like a dog.

406
00:16:19,146 --> 00:16:20,647
Snip, snip.

407
00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:23,083
It's taken me longer
to put on a condom before.

408
00:16:23,083 --> 00:16:25,118
Holy shit!

409
00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:26,820
I'm like, "All right,
this one's expired.

410
00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:28,589
"Okay, I don't
really trust that.

411
00:16:28,589 --> 00:16:31,124
"That's a ramen seasoning
packet. I don't know...

412
00:16:32,593 --> 00:16:35,162
"I don't know why I left that
on my nightstand.

413
00:16:35,162 --> 00:16:36,196
"That's on me."

414
00:16:37,097 --> 00:16:38,465
The entire appointment,

415
00:16:38,465 --> 00:16:42,002
consultation and procedure,
took 39 minutes.

416
00:16:42,002 --> 00:16:44,371
It's like getting
a mole removed. Thirty-nine minutes.

417
00:16:44,371 --> 00:16:46,874
I think they do the consultation
right before the procedure,

418
00:16:46,874 --> 00:16:49,343
because if they told dudes
what they were about to do to them

419
00:16:49,343 --> 00:16:51,211
and then let them
leave the building,

420
00:16:51,211 --> 00:16:53,347
they'd never come back.

421
00:16:53,347 --> 00:16:55,148
They'd be like, "I'm just
gonna keep rolling the dice

422
00:16:55,148 --> 00:16:58,318
"on the accident babies.
But thanks, bye."

423
00:16:58,318 --> 00:17:00,821
But the doctor waits
until I'm naked from the waist down.

424
00:17:00,821 --> 00:17:03,123
I'm laying on a table
with paper over my junk

425
00:17:03,123 --> 00:17:04,691
like the world's grossest deli.

426
00:17:06,393 --> 00:17:08,328
And then he tells me
what he's going to do.

427
00:17:08,328 --> 00:17:10,330
He's like, "All right, I'm going
to make a hole in your scrotum.

428
00:17:10,330 --> 00:17:12,199
"I'm going to sever
both your vas deferens,

429
00:17:12,199 --> 00:17:13,734
"I'm going to seal them
with heat.

430
00:17:13,734 --> 00:17:16,136
"And then I'm gonna put
titanium clamps on them

431
00:17:16,136 --> 00:17:17,571
"so they can't grow back."

432
00:17:17,571 --> 00:17:20,207
What? Titanium clamps?

433
00:17:20,207 --> 00:17:22,809
It sounds like you're trying
to kill a villain in a Marvel movie.

434
00:17:22,809 --> 00:17:24,077
What the fuck?

435
00:17:24,077 --> 00:17:25,579
I mean, titanium
is a great metal.

436
00:17:25,579 --> 00:17:26,813
I like it on my bicycle.

437
00:17:26,813 --> 00:17:28,248
I don't know
if I need it in my nuts.

438
00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:29,850
That's quite...
That's quite an upgrade.

439
00:17:29,850 --> 00:17:30,984
But what am I supposed to say?

440
00:17:30,984 --> 00:17:32,352
I'm already there
on the table. Like,

441
00:17:32,352 --> 00:17:36,423
"You'll have to catch me first."
Like...

442
00:17:36,423 --> 00:17:39,760
I just get up, I'm just
Winnie the Pooh-ing around the office, like...

443
00:17:41,995 --> 00:17:43,096
Like, "He's hard to get.

444
00:17:43,096 --> 00:17:45,666
"He's a pretty spry
for an older guy."

445
00:17:45,666 --> 00:17:47,334
Just chugging around.

446
00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:48,902
I'm like, "All right,
I guess you will.

447
00:17:48,902 --> 00:17:51,672
"'Cause you caught me.
I'm ready to go."

448
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,275
Another delusion
I was laboring under

449
00:17:55,275 --> 00:17:57,411
was that I was going to be
totally out for it.

450
00:17:57,411 --> 00:18:00,848
Uh, no, it's the most
local anesthetic

451
00:18:00,848 --> 00:18:02,516
you've ever had.

452
00:18:02,516 --> 00:18:06,086
You'll never be more awake
for anything in your fucking life.

453
00:18:06,086 --> 00:18:08,856
I can tell you that right now.

454
00:18:08,856 --> 00:18:10,290
He gives me a couple of shots

455
00:18:10,290 --> 00:18:12,059
and he's like, "All right,
I'm ready to get started."

456
00:18:12,059 --> 00:18:14,394
I'm like, "What? Right now,
while I'm, like, thinking and talking

457
00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:16,063
"and remembering?

458
00:18:16,063 --> 00:18:18,432
"Seriously, you can't,
like, hit me with a cartoon hammer first?"

459
00:18:18,432 --> 00:18:19,733
He's like, "No, no,
we're good to go."

460
00:18:19,733 --> 00:18:20,901
I'm like, "Fuck!"

461
00:18:20,901 --> 00:18:22,402
So I'm just laying there,

462
00:18:22,402 --> 00:18:25,072
making small talk about
comedy writing with this doctor

463
00:18:25,072 --> 00:18:28,208
while smoke
is coming out of my balls.

464
00:18:28,208 --> 00:18:30,978
Smoke.

465
00:18:30,978 --> 00:18:34,381
You don't wanna see
smoke come out of any body part, right?

466
00:18:34,381 --> 00:18:37,985
Like your hand.
You're like, "Fuck, my hand is smoking! No!"

467
00:18:37,985 --> 00:18:41,755
But my balls? I'm like,
"Is it gonna set off the sprinklers in here?"

468
00:18:41,755 --> 00:18:42,956
Holy shit.

469
00:18:42,956 --> 00:18:44,791
He's like,
"No, this is totally normal."

470
00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:46,560
I was like,
"I don't think it is, dude.

471
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:48,128
"I think you're
over-roasting 'em.

472
00:18:49,930 --> 00:18:51,632
"You're giving me
the Starbucks, dude.

473
00:18:51,632 --> 00:18:52,766
"Pull back a little bit.

474
00:18:52,766 --> 00:18:54,468
"Let's go."

475
00:18:54,468 --> 00:18:57,104
And then after that,
they seal you up

476
00:18:57,104 --> 00:18:58,639
with a dollop of glue,

477
00:18:58,639 --> 00:19:02,309
like from a Michaels
craft store hot glue gun.

478
00:19:02,309 --> 00:19:05,979
I was like, "Why,
did you waste all your stitches money on titanium?

479
00:19:05,979 --> 00:19:07,447
"What the fuck is this?

480
00:19:07,447 --> 00:19:09,316
"You're just gonna glue
my nuts shut?"

481
00:19:09,316 --> 00:19:11,351
"Yep. And then off you go."

482
00:19:11,351 --> 00:19:12,953
They just give you
a slap on the ass

483
00:19:12,953 --> 00:19:15,589
to make it extra demeaning.

484
00:19:15,589 --> 00:19:18,325
"You can catch that bus
right out front, dipshit.

485
00:19:18,325 --> 00:19:19,826
"Let's go.

486
00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:21,161
"Get out of here."

487
00:19:24,965 --> 00:19:26,200
Thirty-nine minutes.

488
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:27,835
You could do it on your
lunch break at work.

489
00:19:29,203 --> 00:19:32,206
You just come hobbling
back into the office.

490
00:19:32,206 --> 00:19:34,374
"Hey, how was lunch?" "Uh...

491
00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:37,211
"Surprisingly awake."

492
00:19:37,211 --> 00:19:40,647
And then like, [SNIFFS]
"Were you smoking out there?" [SNIFFS]

493
00:19:40,647 --> 00:19:43,150
"What is that, pipe tobacco?"

494
00:19:43,150 --> 00:19:44,117
"No."

495
00:19:45,519 --> 00:19:47,020
It does feel
a little weird, though,

496
00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:50,057
to get a vasectomy
as a single guy in my 40s.

497
00:19:50,057 --> 00:19:51,391
It feels a little bit like

498
00:19:51,391 --> 00:19:53,794
installing a seat belt
on my couch, right?

499
00:19:53,794 --> 00:19:56,230
It's like, "Where do you think
you're going, bud?"

500
00:19:56,230 --> 00:19:57,197
Like...

501
00:19:58,065 --> 00:19:59,733
"No. Can't be too safe.

502
00:19:59,733 --> 00:20:02,302
"You're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

503
00:20:02,302 --> 00:20:04,404
"Safety first around here, bro.

504
00:20:05,005 --> 00:20:06,840
"Absolutely.

505
00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:09,343
"Maybe wear a hard hat
to the fridge while you're at it, pussy.

506
00:20:09,343 --> 00:20:11,545
"How about that?
How about that?"

507
00:20:16,483 --> 00:20:19,653
A few weeks ago,
I was sitting in the tub.

508
00:20:19,653 --> 00:20:21,822
It was a Friday night.
Just sitting in the tub,

509
00:20:21,822 --> 00:20:23,357
reading a science fiction novel,

510
00:20:23,357 --> 00:20:25,192
drinking some
sleepytime tea. Yeah.

511
00:20:25,192 --> 00:20:26,360
I told y'all, I quit drinking.

512
00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:28,929
So, eat my ass, fun.
How about that?

513
00:20:28,929 --> 00:20:31,732
That's the new Friday night
tub time.

514
00:20:31,732 --> 00:20:35,702
Just having a tub,
reading a book, having some sleepytime tea.

515
00:20:35,702 --> 00:20:38,272
It was great.
Having a perfectly nice time.

516
00:20:38,272 --> 00:20:40,407
You ever drink tea
and the tea bag rips a little bit,

517
00:20:40,407 --> 00:20:42,442
you get debris in your mouth.
Not a big deal.

518
00:20:42,442 --> 00:20:43,577
You just spit it back
in the mug.

519
00:20:43,577 --> 00:20:45,579
I'm finishing up
my sleepytime tea.

520
00:20:45,579 --> 00:20:47,848
Oh, got a little something,
spit it back in the mug...

521
00:20:47,848 --> 00:20:49,449
Oh, not tea at all.

522
00:20:49,449 --> 00:20:53,053
Just a black spider
the size of a baby's hand.

523
00:20:53,053 --> 00:20:54,354
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]

524
00:20:54,354 --> 00:20:55,923
Yeah.

525
00:20:55,923 --> 00:20:57,791
It was a good thing
I was already naked and in the tub.

526
00:20:57,791 --> 00:20:59,760
I could just start
immediately screaming.

527
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:02,095
It was such a short cut for me.

528
00:21:02,095 --> 00:21:03,630
I've never done
the opposite things

529
00:21:03,630 --> 00:21:05,799
faster in my life.

530
00:21:05,799 --> 00:21:07,401
I was like, "Wow,
this is so relaxing.

531
00:21:07,401 --> 00:21:09,937
"I don't know if I could
ever be more relaxed."

532
00:21:09,937 --> 00:21:12,039
"I'll never relax again.

533
00:21:12,039 --> 00:21:15,075
"And in fact, I'm setting fire
to this house with me inside it.

534
00:21:16,076 --> 00:21:18,078
"I'm leaving." [CHUCKLES]

535
00:21:18,078 --> 00:21:19,246
These spiders
are out of control.

536
00:21:19,246 --> 00:21:20,647
People always
say this about spiders.

537
00:21:20,647 --> 00:21:22,449
They're like, "You know,
they're more afraid of you

538
00:21:22,449 --> 00:21:23,550
"than you are of them."

539
00:21:23,550 --> 00:21:25,786
Uh, bull-fucking-shit!

540
00:21:25,786 --> 00:21:28,789
The spider just suicide
bombed my sleepytime tea.

541
00:21:30,424 --> 00:21:31,892
That's aggressive.

542
00:21:31,892 --> 00:21:34,828
'Cause you didn't, like,
slip taking a sip of it.

543
00:21:34,828 --> 00:21:36,763
Like, "I'm also tired."
[MIMICS BUBBLING]

544
00:21:38,899 --> 00:21:40,234
That wasn't even
the end of it, either.

545
00:21:40,234 --> 00:21:42,302
A few weeks later,
I'm sitting on the toilet.

546
00:21:42,302 --> 00:21:45,138
There was a spider hiding
under the toilet seat,

547
00:21:45,138 --> 00:21:47,774
and it ran across
my bare ass cheek.

548
00:21:48,809 --> 00:21:51,778
Yeah, I am ruined
for life by this.

549
00:21:51,778 --> 00:21:54,081
I will never be the same.

550
00:21:54,081 --> 00:21:55,949
Anytime I hear someone
talk about a habit

551
00:21:55,949 --> 00:21:58,018
that they can't change,
I'm like, "Oh, yeah, really?

552
00:21:58,018 --> 00:21:59,853
"Why don't you try
sitting down on a toilet

553
00:21:59,853 --> 00:22:02,523
"and having a spider
run across your bare ass cheek

554
00:22:02,523 --> 00:22:04,791
"and tell me you don't check
every toilet seat

555
00:22:04,791 --> 00:22:07,127
"for the rest of your life?"

556
00:22:07,127 --> 00:22:09,129
Because that's my life now.

557
00:22:09,129 --> 00:22:11,265
I'm checking and you can't
just check the toilet seat

558
00:22:11,265 --> 00:22:13,934
because what if they're under
the rim of the actual toilet?

559
00:22:13,934 --> 00:22:16,370
So you've got to give it
a couple good whacks

560
00:22:16,370 --> 00:22:18,338
to scare the spider out.

561
00:22:19,006 --> 00:22:20,207
Give it a few bangs.

562
00:22:20,207 --> 00:22:22,276
So I'm the lunatic
in the public restroom.

563
00:22:22,276 --> 00:22:25,112
Like, wham, wham, wham!

564
00:22:25,112 --> 00:22:27,281
Like, "What? Sometimes
there's spiders in here, dude.

565
00:22:27,281 --> 00:22:29,850
"Well, I lived it, fuck-face.

566
00:22:29,850 --> 00:22:31,451
"So not that funny actually."

567
00:22:35,489 --> 00:22:38,458
Just a maniac.

568
00:22:38,458 --> 00:22:40,894
So in related news,
I moved recently.

569
00:22:40,894 --> 00:22:42,963
[CHUCKLES] I moved
to a new place.

570
00:22:42,963 --> 00:22:44,364
It was hard. It was hard moving.

571
00:22:44,364 --> 00:22:46,466
I had to go through
so many terrible apartment ads.

572
00:22:46,466 --> 00:22:48,202
So many terrible house ads.

573
00:22:48,202 --> 00:22:51,538
And I came across
the craziest apartment review

574
00:22:51,538 --> 00:22:52,840
I've ever seen in my life.

575
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:54,675
And I'm gonna read it
for all of you tonight.

576
00:22:54,675 --> 00:22:57,411
This is an actual
one-star apartment review

577
00:22:57,411 --> 00:23:00,080
from right here in Denver
by some guy named Adam.

578
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:02,649
First of all, this review
is written in all caps,

579
00:23:02,649 --> 00:23:04,418
zero punctuation,

580
00:23:04,418 --> 00:23:07,054
or as we all know,
the language of the damned.

581
00:23:07,054 --> 00:23:08,188
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

582
00:23:08,188 --> 00:23:09,590
I've never even
written in this style.

583
00:23:09,590 --> 00:23:11,024
I don't even know
how you write like this.

584
00:23:11,024 --> 00:23:13,360
Like, you sit down,
like, punch your Caps Lock key,

585
00:23:13,360 --> 00:23:15,929
and, like, duct tape yourself
to your gaming chair

586
00:23:15,929 --> 00:23:18,098
like, "Let's fucking do this."
[IMITATES TYPING]

587
00:23:18,098 --> 00:23:20,267
Just enter some kind
of fugue state.

588
00:23:20,267 --> 00:23:21,735
I don't know. But here we go.

589
00:23:21,735 --> 00:23:24,004
One-star review. Don't panic.
It's not very long.

590
00:23:24,004 --> 00:23:25,005
[SCOFFS] By Adam.

591
00:23:25,706 --> 00:23:27,040
"Do not move here.

592
00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:28,909
"Worst place ever.

593
00:23:28,909 --> 00:23:31,011
"Ghosts everywhere in the house.

594
00:23:32,079 --> 00:23:34,047
"You can't even sleep the night.

595
00:23:34,047 --> 00:23:36,016
"Couldn't wait
till my lease was up.

596
00:23:36,016 --> 00:23:37,384
"Lived there for a year.

597
00:23:37,384 --> 00:23:39,453
"Expensive. Not worth it.

598
00:23:39,453 --> 00:23:41,722
"People come from different
places to the pool,

599
00:23:41,722 --> 00:23:43,290
"and they don't even live there,

600
00:23:43,290 --> 00:23:45,692
"and office does
nothing about it."

601
00:23:46,293 --> 00:23:48,395
One star by Adam.

602
00:23:48,395 --> 00:23:51,098
First of all, so chill
with the ghosts up front.

603
00:23:52,232 --> 00:23:53,600
But he's like,
"But the real problem

604
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:55,435
"is people sneaking
into the pool."

605
00:23:55,435 --> 00:23:56,904
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

606
00:23:56,904 --> 00:23:58,605
Sure, there are the shambling

607
00:23:58,605 --> 00:24:01,241
supernatural specters
of the undead

608
00:24:01,241 --> 00:24:02,910
roaming the halls at night.

609
00:24:02,910 --> 00:24:04,711
But seriously,
whose fucking kids are these

610
00:24:04,711 --> 00:24:06,446
down at the pool?

611
00:24:06,446 --> 00:24:08,749
These kids don't live here.
They're climbing over the fence.

612
00:24:10,250 --> 00:24:12,553
Priorities, Adam. Nicely done.

613
00:24:12,553 --> 00:24:13,921
First of all, if you're
complaining about

614
00:24:13,921 --> 00:24:15,722
other people using your pool,

615
00:24:15,722 --> 00:24:17,491
you're at best, a pool grinch

616
00:24:17,491 --> 00:24:19,293
and at worst, a fucking racist.

617
00:24:19,293 --> 00:24:20,561
Who gives a shit?

618
00:24:20,561 --> 00:24:22,129
Let people use your pool.

619
00:24:22,129 --> 00:24:24,932
As soon as one other stranger
is in your pool, it's ruined.

620
00:24:24,932 --> 00:24:27,067
You're basically
taking a bath with a stranger.

621
00:24:27,067 --> 00:24:29,603
So just let everybody in.
The more the merrier.

622
00:24:29,603 --> 00:24:31,171
Open the gate.

623
00:24:31,171 --> 00:24:33,440
But going back to the ghosts,
I'd like to imagine

624
00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:36,443
this is this dude's
first shitty apartment ever.

625
00:24:36,443 --> 00:24:38,412
He's never even heard
about thin walls.

626
00:24:38,412 --> 00:24:40,480
He's never heard that
that's even an option.

627
00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:42,249
He grew up in,
like, a stone castle

628
00:24:42,249 --> 00:24:44,284
in Romania or something.

629
00:24:44,284 --> 00:24:46,353
So on his very first night,
he's like, "Oh, my God.

630
00:24:46,353 --> 00:24:48,822
"Whoa! There's a ghost upstairs.

631
00:24:50,424 --> 00:24:52,359
"It's walking around
on high heels.

632
00:24:52,359 --> 00:24:53,660
"Oh, my God.

633
00:24:53,660 --> 00:24:56,296
"The other night I heard
a ghost behind this wall.

634
00:24:56,296 --> 00:24:58,031
"It sounds like it listens
to the same shows

635
00:24:58,031 --> 00:24:59,266
"I like to watch.

636
00:24:59,266 --> 00:25:00,367
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

637
00:25:00,367 --> 00:25:02,035
"The other night,
I was trying to sleep.

638
00:25:02,035 --> 00:25:04,371
"I heard two ghosts
fucking in the wall."

639
00:25:04,972 --> 00:25:06,306
"Yeah."

640
00:25:06,306 --> 00:25:07,641
The next morning,
they see those neighbors, like,

641
00:25:07,641 --> 00:25:10,377
"Did you hear those ghosts
fucking in the wall?"

642
00:25:10,377 --> 00:25:11,778
They're like, "Uh...

643
00:25:11,778 --> 00:25:13,347
"We've gotta move.
Yeah, we're gonna move."

644
00:25:16,850 --> 00:25:19,653
Did y'all ever eat meat
around a vegetarian

645
00:25:19,653 --> 00:25:22,789
and they give you these little
thought puzzles to solve?

646
00:25:22,789 --> 00:25:24,191
Yeah, like, you'll be
eating a hamburger.

647
00:25:24,191 --> 00:25:25,726
And they're like, "Oh,
you like that hamburger?

648
00:25:25,726 --> 00:25:27,194
"Think you could ever
kill a cow?"

649
00:25:27,194 --> 00:25:29,129
And I was like,
"Lo, I could never kill a cow.

650
00:25:29,129 --> 00:25:30,497
"Okay? You busted me."

651
00:25:30,497 --> 00:25:31,832
They got those sweet brown eyes.

652
00:25:31,832 --> 00:25:34,368
Those long eyelashes.
I could never kill a cow.

653
00:25:34,368 --> 00:25:35,702
You're, like, eating some bacon,

654
00:25:35,702 --> 00:25:36,803
they're like, "Oh,
you like that bacon?

655
00:25:36,803 --> 00:25:38,238
"Think you could ever
kill a pig?"

656
00:25:38,238 --> 00:25:40,207
"Again? No, I could
never kill a pig. Okay?

657
00:25:40,207 --> 00:25:41,308
"They're smarter than dogs.

658
00:25:41,308 --> 00:25:43,177
"It would be, like,
nuzzling my leg.

659
00:25:43,177 --> 00:25:44,845
"I could never kill a pig."

660
00:25:44,845 --> 00:25:45,913
"Oh, you like that turkey sub?

661
00:25:45,913 --> 00:25:47,381
"Think you could
ever kill a turkey?"

662
00:25:47,381 --> 00:25:49,249
I could kill the fuck out
of a turkey. Are you kidding me?

663
00:25:49,249 --> 00:25:50,350
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

664
00:25:50,350 --> 00:25:51,985
Turkeys? Nature's monsters?

665
00:25:51,985 --> 00:25:53,854
Not a problem.
I can do that one.

666
00:25:53,854 --> 00:25:55,389
I don't even know
what a turkey is.

667
00:25:55,389 --> 00:25:57,824
It's like somebody put a bird
in a bunch of chewed up gum

668
00:25:57,824 --> 00:26:00,527
in those teleporter pods
from<i> The Fly.</i>

669
00:26:00,527 --> 00:26:03,597
And then, like, a turkey
comes lurching out through the smoke.

670
00:26:03,597 --> 00:26:06,867
It's got its brains
on the outside of its head.

671
00:26:06,867 --> 00:26:09,069
It's got a fucking System
of a Down goatee.

672
00:26:09,069 --> 00:26:10,838
What kind of bird...

673
00:26:10,838 --> 00:26:13,340
What kind of bird
needs a new metal goatee?

674
00:26:13,340 --> 00:26:14,274
It's insane.

675
00:26:16,009 --> 00:26:18,111
If you go to a farm,
you go to a farm sanctuary,

676
00:26:18,111 --> 00:26:20,681
you'll always end up
with one turkey following you

677
00:26:20,681 --> 00:26:22,249
with its head cocked
with this, like,

678
00:26:22,249 --> 00:26:24,751
mentally unwell prisoner energy.

679
00:26:25,953 --> 00:26:27,554
Like, yeah,
"Fuck around. Find out."

680
00:26:27,554 --> 00:26:29,289
"Jesus, turkey.
I'm gonna kill you

681
00:26:29,289 --> 00:26:31,925
"just to keep you away from me.
Get the fuck out of here!

682
00:26:31,925 --> 00:26:33,293
"I'm gonna kick you
like a beach ball."

683
00:26:35,863 --> 00:26:36,930
No. I'm just joking.

684
00:26:36,930 --> 00:26:38,398
I would never kill a turkey.
[LAUGHS]

685
00:26:38,398 --> 00:26:39,900
You could never kill a turkey.

686
00:26:39,900 --> 00:26:41,802
What if you tried to kick it
and you missed? You're dead.

687
00:26:41,802 --> 00:26:43,937
You just signed
your own death warrant.

688
00:26:43,937 --> 00:26:45,572
That turkey is going
to climb up your body

689
00:26:45,572 --> 00:26:46,940
and scratch your eyes out so...

690
00:26:46,940 --> 00:26:48,742
Fine. I wouldn't
kill a turkey either.

691
00:26:50,377 --> 00:26:53,447
Was thinking recently
about how dumb Batman is.

692
00:26:53,447 --> 00:26:55,749
Yeah, not everyone
loves this one. But, uh...

693
00:26:55,749 --> 00:26:56,817
[LAUGHS]

694
00:26:56,817 --> 00:26:58,118
I grew up loving comic books.

695
00:26:58,118 --> 00:26:59,653
I loved Batman.

696
00:26:59,653 --> 00:27:01,989
And then I actually, like,
analyzed what Batman really is.

697
00:27:01,989 --> 00:27:03,156
Let's take a look
at what Batman is.

698
00:27:03,156 --> 00:27:04,925
Batman is a billionaire

699
00:27:04,925 --> 00:27:07,060
who dresses up in body armor

700
00:27:07,060 --> 00:27:08,729
and then the cops
turn on a special light

701
00:27:08,729 --> 00:27:11,431
on top of the police station
and Batman shows up.

702
00:27:11,431 --> 00:27:12,833
And then the cops tell him

703
00:27:12,833 --> 00:27:16,603
which mentally ill person
to go beat the fuck out of.

704
00:27:16,603 --> 00:27:18,972
That's Batman.
That's how Batman works.

705
00:27:18,972 --> 00:27:21,842
So if we had a Batman
in our world, how it would work

706
00:27:21,842 --> 00:27:23,310
is the cops turn on
a special light

707
00:27:23,310 --> 00:27:24,978
on top of the police station,

708
00:27:24,978 --> 00:27:28,282
and then, like, Elon Musk
shows up wearing body armor.

709
00:27:28,282 --> 00:27:30,984
And the cops are like, "Yeah,
Kanye is off his meds again."

710
00:27:30,984 --> 00:27:32,786
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

711
00:27:32,786 --> 00:27:35,322
And he's like, "I'm on it,"
and he jumps in his stupid truck

712
00:27:35,322 --> 00:27:38,158
and auto drives away,
runs over a kid.

713
00:27:38,158 --> 00:27:39,526
That's our Batman.

714
00:27:39,526 --> 00:27:42,529
And that's the best Batman
we could get.

715
00:27:42,529 --> 00:27:44,198
It's sad. Sad but true.

716
00:27:44,198 --> 00:27:45,432
[LAUGHS]

717
00:27:46,633 --> 00:27:48,001
I don't understand
this new trend either

718
00:27:48,001 --> 00:27:49,770
of putting cop merch on cars.

719
00:27:49,770 --> 00:27:51,038
I see this all the time
in Denver.

720
00:27:51,038 --> 00:27:52,773
People love to put
cop merch on their car now.

721
00:27:52,773 --> 00:27:55,876
They got the American flag
with the blue stripe through it.

722
00:27:55,876 --> 00:27:57,644
Like "Back the blue."

723
00:27:57,644 --> 00:28:01,048
"I wish a cop would carry me up
to bed and tuck me in."

724
00:28:01,048 --> 00:28:03,016
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- I was like, what?

725
00:28:03,016 --> 00:28:05,052
When did we become
a nation of dorks?

726
00:28:05,052 --> 00:28:07,721
[CHUCKLES] Like,
[IN NASAL VOICE] "You know who my favorite person in class is?

727
00:28:07,721 --> 00:28:09,056
"The teacher." [CHUCKLES]

728
00:28:09,056 --> 00:28:10,224
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Like, shut up!

729
00:28:10,224 --> 00:28:11,625
What's wrong with you?

730
00:28:12,960 --> 00:28:14,561
Being a cop is a job.

731
00:28:14,561 --> 00:28:16,330
They get a salary,
they get a pension,

732
00:28:16,330 --> 00:28:18,131
they have the best union.

733
00:28:18,131 --> 00:28:19,833
They don't need you
running a non-profit

734
00:28:19,833 --> 00:28:21,468
on the back window
of your truck.

735
00:28:23,403 --> 00:28:25,639
And people are like, "Yeah,
but being a cop is a hard job."

736
00:28:25,639 --> 00:28:27,174
Yeah, so is pumping out
porta potties.

737
00:28:27,174 --> 00:28:28,575
Nobody's got those guys' back.

738
00:28:29,977 --> 00:28:31,979
There's no
Poo Lives Matter stickers.

739
00:28:31,979 --> 00:28:34,081
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

740
00:28:34,081 --> 00:28:37,050
There's no American flag
with a diarrhea green stripe

741
00:28:37,050 --> 00:28:39,086
going through it.

742
00:28:39,086 --> 00:28:40,854
Everyone in this room
would rather be a cop

743
00:28:40,854 --> 00:28:42,055
than pump out porta potties.

744
00:28:42,055 --> 00:28:43,490
And that's a fact.

745
00:28:43,490 --> 00:28:45,425
You can take that to the bank.

746
00:28:45,425 --> 00:28:47,528
People are like, "Yeah,
but cops can get shot at their job.

747
00:28:47,528 --> 00:28:48,662
"Ever think about that?"

748
00:28:48,662 --> 00:28:50,197
Well, spoiler alert.

749
00:28:50,197 --> 00:28:53,033
Every American has unlocked
that perk actually.

750
00:28:53,033 --> 00:28:55,035
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

751
00:28:55,035 --> 00:28:57,271
The difference is
cops get body armor

752
00:28:57,271 --> 00:28:59,573
and the rest of us will be
holding up our employee badge.

753
00:28:59,573 --> 00:29:01,575
So not that cool.
It's not that cool.

754
00:29:03,110 --> 00:29:05,212
[CHUCKLES]

755
00:29:05,212 --> 00:29:07,548
I've actually been
arrested a few times.

756
00:29:07,548 --> 00:29:09,349
I've actually
been to jail twice.

757
00:29:09,349 --> 00:29:11,084
Relax. It was
for killing someone.

758
00:29:11,084 --> 00:29:12,452
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- Uh...

759
00:29:12,452 --> 00:29:17,191
No, it was for expired
license plates. Both times.

760
00:29:17,191 --> 00:29:20,060
Failure to appear in court
for expired license plates.

761
00:29:20,060 --> 00:29:22,729
That's a pretty funny way
to go to jail. [LAUGHS]

762
00:29:22,729 --> 00:29:24,097
People are like,
"What are you in for?"

763
00:29:24,097 --> 00:29:26,633
- Uh, crippling ADHD, apparently.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

764
00:29:26,633 --> 00:29:29,703
Because I'd rather be in jail
than get my license plates.

765
00:29:34,041 --> 00:29:36,577
People ask me what
the worst part about jail is, and I'll tell you what it is.

766
00:29:36,577 --> 00:29:38,946
First of all, I'm talking
about jail, not prison.

767
00:29:38,946 --> 00:29:41,315
This is the minor leagues
of putting people in cages,

768
00:29:41,315 --> 00:29:42,950
not the pros.

769
00:29:42,950 --> 00:29:44,551
But in jail, I'll tell you what
the worst thing about jail is.

770
00:29:44,551 --> 00:29:46,620
It's not the food,
although the food sucks.

771
00:29:46,620 --> 00:29:48,956
There's one jail I went to
where every single meal

772
00:29:48,956 --> 00:29:52,559
was a dry bologna sandwich
and an old withered orange.

773
00:29:52,559 --> 00:29:53,994
Every meal. Same meal.

774
00:29:53,994 --> 00:29:55,495
Dried bologna sandwich,
old orange.

775
00:29:55,495 --> 00:29:56,930
It was like being taken care of

776
00:29:56,930 --> 00:29:59,766
by a single parent
doing the absolute minimum.

777
00:29:59,766 --> 00:30:02,302
- [CHUCKLES]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

778
00:30:02,302 --> 00:30:04,471
It's not the toothbrush,
although the toothbrush sucks.

779
00:30:04,471 --> 00:30:06,106
They won't give an inmate
a regular toothbrush.

780
00:30:06,106 --> 00:30:07,975
As we all know,
you'll immediately whittle it

781
00:30:07,975 --> 00:30:09,943
into a dagger and kill someone.

782
00:30:09,943 --> 00:30:12,079
You can't handle
that responsibility.

783
00:30:12,079 --> 00:30:14,615
So the toothbrush in jail
is like a lollipop stick

784
00:30:14,615 --> 00:30:15,949
with a little sponge on it,

785
00:30:15,949 --> 00:30:17,584
and they wrap it up
in cellophane.

786
00:30:17,584 --> 00:30:19,453
And the first night
they passed them out,

787
00:30:19,453 --> 00:30:21,788
- I thought they were suckers.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

788
00:30:21,788 --> 00:30:25,158
I was like, "Whoa,
you get suckers before bed in jail?

789
00:30:25,158 --> 00:30:28,161
"I thought this was supposed
to be punishment. [SCOFFS]

790
00:30:28,161 --> 00:30:30,497
"This place rules.
We get night candy?

791
00:30:30,497 --> 00:30:32,165
"Fuck, yeah.

792
00:30:32,165 --> 00:30:33,600
"This is some bad boy shit.

793
00:30:33,600 --> 00:30:35,502
"I'm on board."

794
00:30:35,502 --> 00:30:36,937
But I found out
it was a toothbrush

795
00:30:36,937 --> 00:30:39,473
because the guy was
walking by my open cell

796
00:30:39,473 --> 00:30:40,774
and I was like,
"Hey, is this a toothbrush?"

797
00:30:40,774 --> 00:30:42,709
And he snatched it out
of my hand and he goes,

798
00:30:42,709 --> 00:30:44,678
"Yeah, it is." And then he
just walked away with it,

799
00:30:44,678 --> 00:30:48,015
and I was like, "Whoa,
cool move, dude. Nice work."

800
00:30:48,015 --> 00:30:49,950
You know what they say
about jail.

801
00:30:49,950 --> 00:30:52,553
On your first day,
find the littlest guy in there and steal his toothbrush.

802
00:30:52,553 --> 00:30:55,055
So power move.

803
00:30:55,055 --> 00:30:58,325
Enjoy those
minty teeth, you fuck.

804
00:30:58,325 --> 00:31:01,061
It's not your cellmate,
although that's also terrible.

805
00:31:01,061 --> 00:31:02,362
Have you ever been
on an elevator ride

806
00:31:02,362 --> 00:31:03,497
with someone
who might have been,

807
00:31:03,497 --> 00:31:06,400
like, creepy, or weird
or smell bad?

808
00:31:06,400 --> 00:31:08,202
Now imagine there are
all of those things

809
00:31:08,202 --> 00:31:10,404
and that elevator
is never opening.

810
00:31:10,404 --> 00:31:12,539
That's what it's like
to have a cellmate.

811
00:31:12,539 --> 00:31:13,841
The weirdest thing
about cellmates, though,

812
00:31:13,841 --> 00:31:15,676
is that they always
want the top bunk.

813
00:31:15,676 --> 00:31:17,845
It's like people never
outgrow that, I guess.

814
00:31:17,845 --> 00:31:19,746
Like... [IN CHILDISH VOICE]
"Top bunk, top bunk." [CHUCKLES]

815
00:31:19,746 --> 00:31:21,381
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Like, grow up, dude. What's next?

816
00:31:21,381 --> 00:31:23,250
You're gonna call shotgun
for the electric chair?

817
00:31:23,250 --> 00:31:24,918
- Relax.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

818
00:31:24,918 --> 00:31:26,320
You child.

819
00:31:26,320 --> 00:31:29,022
No. The worst thing about jail
is the holding cell.

820
00:31:29,022 --> 00:31:30,858
The holding cell was horrible.

821
00:31:30,858 --> 00:31:32,326
Right here in downtown Denver,

822
00:31:32,326 --> 00:31:35,195
the holding cell
is just one big room,

823
00:31:35,195 --> 00:31:37,831
and it's got metal benches
fastened onto the wall.

824
00:31:37,831 --> 00:31:39,566
And they just put
everybody they caught

825
00:31:39,566 --> 00:31:41,401
for the night in there,
one after the other.

826
00:31:41,401 --> 00:31:42,836
And everyone
who comes to the door

827
00:31:42,836 --> 00:31:45,005
is having the worst night
of their life.

828
00:31:45,005 --> 00:31:46,573
Some of them are
actively bleeding.

829
00:31:46,573 --> 00:31:48,408
They're screaming.
They're so mad.

830
00:31:48,408 --> 00:31:50,544
They're all fucked up
on God knows what.

831
00:31:50,544 --> 00:31:52,079
And just every time
the door opens,

832
00:31:52,079 --> 00:31:54,748
it's a new ingredient
for a terrible stew,

833
00:31:54,748 --> 00:31:57,050
and you have no idea how long
you're gonna be in there.

834
00:31:57,050 --> 00:32:00,053
They just keep adding people,
and in the middle of all this,

835
00:32:00,053 --> 00:32:01,855
there's one metal toilet

836
00:32:01,855 --> 00:32:04,124
with no curtain
and no partition.

837
00:32:04,124 --> 00:32:05,726
And as soon as
I walked in there,

838
00:32:05,726 --> 00:32:09,696
I was like, "Body, I'm gonna
make a deal with you right now.

839
00:32:09,696 --> 00:32:12,733
"I will die of septic shock
before I shit in that toilet.

840
00:32:12,733 --> 00:32:14,201
"Okay?"

841
00:32:14,201 --> 00:32:17,437
And my body was like,
"Same page, dude. Absolutely.

842
00:32:17,437 --> 00:32:19,540
"Same page. We're taking
this one to the grave.

843
00:32:19,540 --> 00:32:21,275
"We're not gonna do it."

844
00:32:21,275 --> 00:32:23,644
But I'll tell you who you do
have to watch out for in jail.

845
00:32:23,644 --> 00:32:26,313
It's the dude who
who walked into that room

846
00:32:26,313 --> 00:32:28,782
and immediately
strutted over to that toilet

847
00:32:28,782 --> 00:32:31,885
and shit in front of everyone.

848
00:32:31,885 --> 00:32:36,890
Just making furious eye contact
with each person in the room.

849
00:32:36,890 --> 00:32:38,458
That's the dude who
you do not fuck with

850
00:32:38,458 --> 00:32:39,993
because he's ready to die.

851
00:32:39,993 --> 00:32:41,261
He's left it all behind.

852
00:32:42,229 --> 00:32:43,931
That's the real power move.

853
00:32:43,931 --> 00:32:44,932
[CHUCKLING]

854
00:32:46,333 --> 00:32:50,070
I've got two Huskies at home.
Dogs, not chubby kids.

855
00:32:50,070 --> 00:32:51,572
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

856
00:32:52,840 --> 00:32:54,141
I've got two Husky dogs.

857
00:32:54,141 --> 00:32:56,276
I've got a boy Husky
and a girl Husky.

858
00:32:56,276 --> 00:32:57,678
And a lot of times
when I walk them,

859
00:32:57,678 --> 00:32:59,513
people will point
to the boy Husky

860
00:32:59,513 --> 00:33:00,948
and they'll be like,
"Hey, beautiful dog!"

861
00:33:00,948 --> 00:33:02,916
Then they just walk away.
[HUMMING]

862
00:33:02,916 --> 00:33:04,685
It's always that dog.
It's always the boy dog.

863
00:33:04,685 --> 00:33:07,421
"Hey, beautiful dog.
Do-do-do-do!"

864
00:33:07,421 --> 00:33:08,789
I just wanna start
yelling after them.

865
00:33:08,789 --> 00:33:11,358
"Hey, they're both beautiful,
actually, dickhead.

866
00:33:11,358 --> 00:33:13,694
"Even if one more
clearly on the inside,

867
00:33:13,694 --> 00:33:16,530
"they have their charms."

868
00:33:16,530 --> 00:33:18,498
But you would never do that
with someone's kids, right?

869
00:33:18,498 --> 00:33:20,033
Walk up to somebody
with three kids, like,

870
00:33:20,033 --> 00:33:21,802
"Hey, great-looking kid."
Just walk away.

871
00:33:21,802 --> 00:33:23,837
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

872
00:33:23,837 --> 00:33:25,672
The other two kids are like,
"We fight in the pit

873
00:33:25,672 --> 00:33:27,274
"with sticks again tonight."

874
00:33:27,274 --> 00:33:29,943
Yeah, you do, you creatures.
Get in there.

875
00:33:32,379 --> 00:33:34,948
I think my favorite invention
to come out of the pandemic

876
00:33:34,948 --> 00:33:36,617
are those talking dog mats.

877
00:33:36,617 --> 00:33:38,185
Maybe you've seen this product.

878
00:33:38,185 --> 00:33:40,387
I'll describe it and it'll sound
like I'm having a fever dream.

879
00:33:40,387 --> 00:33:42,523
But this is an actual thing
that exists.

880
00:33:42,523 --> 00:33:44,525
There are these mats
and they have different buttons on them

881
00:33:44,525 --> 00:33:45,993
and each button
says a different word,

882
00:33:45,993 --> 00:33:47,794
and you can train your dog
to press the buttons.

883
00:33:47,794 --> 00:33:49,363
And it's like you're
chatting with them, right?

884
00:33:49,363 --> 00:33:52,466
Like... [IN ROBOTIC VOICE]
"Feed me now please." [CHUCKLES]

885
00:33:52,466 --> 00:33:54,168
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Definitely a pandemic invention.

886
00:33:54,168 --> 00:33:56,470
You know, someone was
locked up with their beagle.

887
00:33:56,470 --> 00:33:57,905
And they're like, "Fuck,
if I don't find a way

888
00:33:57,905 --> 00:33:59,039
"to talk to Skittles here..."

889
00:33:59,039 --> 00:34:00,874
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

890
00:34:00,874 --> 00:34:02,576
"...I'm gonna
French kiss a shotgun.

891
00:34:02,576 --> 00:34:04,344
"So let's get down...

892
00:34:04,344 --> 00:34:06,313
"Let's get down to the lab
and start tinkering

893
00:34:06,313 --> 00:34:07,915
"on the old talking dog mats."

894
00:34:09,216 --> 00:34:10,517
But I saw this product,
and I was like,

895
00:34:10,517 --> 00:34:12,586
maybe I should get these
talking dog mats, right?

896
00:34:12,586 --> 00:34:14,021
I'm home alone with my dogs.

897
00:34:14,021 --> 00:34:15,422
I get depressed all the time.

898
00:34:15,422 --> 00:34:18,058
It would be great to be able
to chat with my two dogs.

899
00:34:18,058 --> 00:34:20,494
Then I remember what
asshole jocks my Huskies are.

900
00:34:20,494 --> 00:34:22,896
They'd be like,
[IN ROBOTIC VOICE] "Walk now, pussy, bitch."

901
00:34:22,896 --> 00:34:24,598
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

902
00:34:24,598 --> 00:34:26,366
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I'm like, "Why did I put those buttons on the mat?

903
00:34:26,366 --> 00:34:30,571
"That was shortsighted of me."
[LAUGHS]

904
00:34:30,571 --> 00:34:32,272
[IN ROBOTIC VOICE]
"Fuck you, beta cuck."

905
00:34:32,272 --> 00:34:35,709
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
"Okay, I didn't read the description

906
00:34:35,709 --> 00:34:37,711
"and I got
the alt-right buttons.

907
00:34:39,513 --> 00:34:42,349
'I've ruined my dogs.
Great." [CHUCKLING]

908
00:34:44,518 --> 00:34:46,253
Or else I can't get
my dogs to do anything

909
00:34:46,253 --> 00:34:49,890
unless I talk
to them like Scorpion from<i> Mortal Kombat.</i>

910
00:34:49,890 --> 00:34:51,458
If I use my regular voice
for my dogs,

911
00:34:51,458 --> 00:34:53,861
they could care less.
I'm like, "Guys, come in, bedtime.

912
00:34:53,861 --> 00:34:58,065
"Hey, can't sleep outside
in negative-ten-degree weather, I told you. Bedtime."

913
00:34:58,065 --> 00:35:00,968
They're like,
"Yeah, whatever, dildo."

914
00:35:00,968 --> 00:35:02,870
But if I'm like,
[IN ANGRY VOICE] "Get over here!", they're like,

915
00:35:02,870 --> 00:35:05,639
"Okay, yeah. Now you're
talking our language."

916
00:35:05,639 --> 00:35:08,075
And then I uppercut them
to the ceiling. [IMITATES CRASHING]

917
00:35:08,075 --> 00:35:10,911
They love it.
It's tough love. It's horseplay.

918
00:35:10,911 --> 00:35:12,412
[LAUGHS] They dig it.

919
00:35:14,081 --> 00:35:16,083
I ran out of dog
poop bags recently.

920
00:35:16,083 --> 00:35:18,619
Yeah, the crowds were like,
"How does the story end?"

921
00:35:18,619 --> 00:35:20,621
[ALL LAUGHING]

922
00:35:20,621 --> 00:35:22,956
I ran out of dog poop bags,
went to the store,

923
00:35:22,956 --> 00:35:25,158
they were all out
of the unscented dog poop bags

924
00:35:25,158 --> 00:35:26,426
that I usually buy.

925
00:35:26,426 --> 00:35:29,963
So I had to buy lavender
scented dog poop bags.

926
00:35:29,963 --> 00:35:33,600
What maniac came up with
lavender scented dog poo bags?

927
00:35:33,600 --> 00:35:36,103
Finally, the tag team
of artificial lavender

928
00:35:36,103 --> 00:35:39,239
and dog shit high-fiving
in my nose at last.

929
00:35:39,239 --> 00:35:40,807
It's so gross.

930
00:35:40,807 --> 00:35:43,076
It smells like somebody
took a dump in a bathroom

931
00:35:43,076 --> 00:35:44,244
with a bunch of potpourri.

932
00:35:44,244 --> 00:35:45,445
It's awful.

933
00:35:45,445 --> 00:35:47,447
I'd rather they smell
like extra dog shit.

934
00:35:47,447 --> 00:35:49,149
I'm already smelling that.

935
00:35:49,149 --> 00:35:52,352
Just go all in
with that, please.

936
00:35:52,352 --> 00:35:55,656
I don't even know who this
aromatherapy benefit's for.

937
00:35:55,656 --> 00:35:57,925
Like, I'm down there
trying to clean up two gallons

938
00:35:57,925 --> 00:36:00,260
of Husky diarrhea
out of the grass and like,

939
00:36:00,260 --> 00:36:02,863
"Ooh...

940
00:36:02,863 --> 00:36:05,465
"That lavender's hitting.
That's nice."

941
00:36:07,134 --> 00:36:10,871
It's kind of like a spa day
just for one out here.

942
00:36:10,871 --> 00:36:15,008
"Mmm. I needed this."
It's insane.

943
00:36:15,008 --> 00:36:17,678
Sometimes I'll find
an unused bag in my back pocket

944
00:36:17,678 --> 00:36:20,981
and I can just take it out
and rub it all over my face.

945
00:36:21,715 --> 00:36:23,283
Like a cologne sample.

946
00:36:23,283 --> 00:36:24,651
Mmm. Mmm-hmm.

947
00:36:24,651 --> 00:36:26,687
I know I smell like
a Yankee Candle, don't I?

948
00:36:26,687 --> 00:36:28,622
But it's not.
It's a dog poop bag.

949
00:36:28,622 --> 00:36:29,823
Yeah, yeah!

950
00:36:29,823 --> 00:36:31,358
No, they make them in lavender.

951
00:36:31,358 --> 00:36:32,459
Okay. "You want some?

952
00:36:32,459 --> 00:36:33,727
"Okay. Well, the offer stands.

953
00:36:34,795 --> 00:36:36,530
"I've got
a whole roll back here."

954
00:36:38,799 --> 00:36:40,701
My Huskies' second
favorite thing to do

955
00:36:40,701 --> 00:36:42,736
right after the first,
which is to catch and kill

956
00:36:42,736 --> 00:36:44,905
any small animal
that enters the yard,

957
00:36:44,905 --> 00:36:46,807
but a close second,
is to surprise me

958
00:36:46,807 --> 00:36:48,876
with a secret surprise
bonus shit the instant

959
00:36:48,876 --> 00:36:50,544
I run out of poop bags.

960
00:36:50,544 --> 00:36:53,981
Maybe some of you have a dog
with the same telepathic power.

961
00:36:53,981 --> 00:36:55,349
It doesn't matter
what time of day.

962
00:36:55,349 --> 00:36:57,217
It doesn't matter if they
just went two minutes ago,

963
00:36:57,217 --> 00:36:59,386
they're, like, boom!
"Time to unhatch this weird bonus shit

964
00:36:59,386 --> 00:37:00,888
"we've always got ready to go

965
00:37:00,888 --> 00:37:03,590
"because this guy
just ran out of bags."

966
00:37:03,590 --> 00:37:05,192
And I'll be honest
with all of you tonight,

967
00:37:05,192 --> 00:37:07,394
if you hire me for,
like, an acting project

968
00:37:07,394 --> 00:37:08,896
in film or television,

969
00:37:08,896 --> 00:37:12,366
I'm gonna turn in a pretty solid
C, C-minus performance.

970
00:37:12,366 --> 00:37:14,201
I'll just be candid
with you right now.

971
00:37:14,201 --> 00:37:16,537
But, boy, you catch me
on the side of a busy road

972
00:37:16,537 --> 00:37:19,173
with my dog shitting,
and I just ran out of bags,

973
00:37:19,173 --> 00:37:22,576
get ready for the performance
of a lifetime.

974
00:37:22,576 --> 00:37:25,879
Oh, my God, the physical acting
I will go through, like,

975
00:37:25,879 --> 00:37:29,583
"What? No. What the fuck?

976
00:37:29,583 --> 00:37:32,586
"Where are my bags?
I always have them.

977
00:37:32,586 --> 00:37:34,421
"This is crazy."

978
00:37:34,421 --> 00:37:35,856
I'm, like, patting my ankles.

979
00:37:35,856 --> 00:37:37,558
Like, "Sometimes
they're in my bra."

980
00:37:39,126 --> 00:37:44,131
I'm turning out my pockets,
like, "This is madness!"

981
00:37:44,131 --> 00:37:46,733
I'm making eye contact
with every car going by

982
00:37:46,733 --> 00:37:49,303
like, "I'm a bad person.
What the fuck?

983
00:37:50,237 --> 00:37:53,207
"This is villainous shit."

984
00:37:53,207 --> 00:37:55,108
I start talking to people
who aren't even around.

985
00:37:55,108 --> 00:37:57,477
Like, "Yeah, I'm gonna come back
and clean this up later."

986
00:37:57,477 --> 00:38:00,480
Like, what? Shut up.
No, you're not.

987
00:38:00,480 --> 00:38:03,584
Yeah. Let me scamper home
and write down a poop IOU.

988
00:38:05,552 --> 00:38:08,622
"I'll be back tonight
sneaking around the park."

989
00:38:11,058 --> 00:38:12,125
Insane.

990
00:38:13,660 --> 00:38:15,762
I have a hard time
exercising my dogs.

991
00:38:15,762 --> 00:38:17,097
I take them for a walk.

992
00:38:17,097 --> 00:38:19,333
They're like, "Yeah,
this isn't exercise for us."

993
00:38:19,333 --> 00:38:20,801
I take them for a run.

994
00:38:20,801 --> 00:38:23,504
They're like, "Okay, we're
walking a little bit faster.

995
00:38:23,504 --> 00:38:25,472
"And it's funny that
this is hard for you.

996
00:38:25,472 --> 00:38:28,175
"But still not exercise for us."

997
00:38:29,009 --> 00:38:30,310
So I had this genius idea.

998
00:38:30,310 --> 00:38:31,845
I have this belt that
I wear that I can connect

999
00:38:31,845 --> 00:38:33,847
their leashes to. It's like
this dog sledding belt,

1000
00:38:33,847 --> 00:38:35,749
and I can just clip
their leashes into it.

1001
00:38:35,749 --> 00:38:37,651
And I was like, "I'm gonna
get my mountain bike out

1002
00:38:37,651 --> 00:38:39,286
"and I'm gonna put a dog
on each side of it

1003
00:38:39,286 --> 00:38:40,954
"and I'm gonna ride my bike.

1004
00:38:40,954 --> 00:38:44,024
"And my dogs can just run
as fast as they want next to my bike."

1005
00:38:44,992 --> 00:38:46,126
Now as soon as I said that idea,

1006
00:38:46,126 --> 00:38:47,961
some of you were
immediately like,

1007
00:38:47,961 --> 00:38:50,998
- "Wow, what a fucking
terrible idea that is!" - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1008
00:38:50,998 --> 00:38:52,299
Holy shit!

1009
00:38:52,299 --> 00:38:54,034
At no point did
I have that thought.

1010
00:38:54,034 --> 00:38:56,470
At no point was I like, "Hey,
maybe sleep on this idea,"

1011
00:38:56,470 --> 00:38:59,273
or like, "Hey, it sounds like
you thought a lot of the pros

1012
00:38:59,273 --> 00:39:00,974
"of this idea.

1013
00:39:00,974 --> 00:39:04,444
"What could be some
of the possible cons of this idea?"

1014
00:39:04,444 --> 00:39:05,979
Nope. I was like,
"I can't believe it took me

1015
00:39:05,979 --> 00:39:07,381
"this long to figure this out.

1016
00:39:07,381 --> 00:39:09,816
"I finally cracked it.
What a life hack."

1017
00:39:09,816 --> 00:39:10,951
So I got the belt out.

1018
00:39:10,951 --> 00:39:12,286
I clipped the dogs to it,

1019
00:39:12,286 --> 00:39:14,454
hopped on my mountain bike
and off we went.

1020
00:39:14,454 --> 00:39:15,789
And at first, it ruled.

1021
00:39:15,789 --> 00:39:17,324
I'm not gonna lie to you.
It was great.

1022
00:39:17,324 --> 00:39:18,792
They're pulling
my ass everywhere.

1023
00:39:18,792 --> 00:39:20,661
We're just zipping around.
I barely even had to pedal.

1024
00:39:20,661 --> 00:39:22,996
It was like being on
an e-bike or something.

1025
00:39:22,996 --> 00:39:24,898
My neighbors are just
watching me go by like,

1026
00:39:24,898 --> 00:39:27,167
"This neighborhood
has never been whiter.

1027
00:39:27,167 --> 00:39:31,572
"This is some
peak white bullshit we're watching right now."

1028
00:39:31,572 --> 00:39:34,408
I'm just waving.
"Yay! Here we go."

1029
00:39:34,408 --> 00:39:35,843
Until one day, I'm at the park.

1030
00:39:35,843 --> 00:39:37,144
I'm just turning in some laps.

1031
00:39:37,144 --> 00:39:39,313
I'm just trying to tire
these two dickheads out.

1032
00:39:39,313 --> 00:39:41,248
We're just going around
and there's this couple

1033
00:39:41,248 --> 00:39:43,183
walking their dog towards us

1034
00:39:43,183 --> 00:39:46,353
and my dogs love
another dog. Oh, boy.

1035
00:39:46,353 --> 00:39:47,988
Do they love another dog.

1036
00:39:47,988 --> 00:39:49,156
And I was like, "You know what?

1037
00:39:49,156 --> 00:39:50,557
"I'm gonna get going so fast

1038
00:39:50,557 --> 00:39:52,159
"that my dogs won't
even have a chance

1039
00:39:52,159 --> 00:39:53,927
"to get distracted
by this other dog.

1040
00:39:53,927 --> 00:39:56,530
"Because we're just gonna
be going at top speed.

1041
00:39:56,530 --> 00:39:58,198
"So let's just hit
the afterburners.

1042
00:39:58,198 --> 00:40:00,400
"We're just gonna
blow right by this dog."

1043
00:40:00,400 --> 00:40:03,403
So I shift my bike.
I'm riding as fast as I can.

1044
00:40:03,403 --> 00:40:05,739
And we pull about
parallel with this dog.

1045
00:40:05,739 --> 00:40:07,274
I don't know.
It's about 60 feet away.

1046
00:40:07,274 --> 00:40:09,009
And as soon as we
pull parallel with it,

1047
00:40:09,009 --> 00:40:11,245
my two Huskies look over
and they're like, "Oh, shit.

1048
00:40:11,245 --> 00:40:13,447
"We got to go meet
that dog right now."

1049
00:40:14,681 --> 00:40:17,084
And they bolt
and eject me from my bike

1050
00:40:17,084 --> 00:40:18,719
like I'm in<i> Top Gun.</i>

1051
00:40:18,719 --> 00:40:21,588
I leave so quickly.

1052
00:40:21,588 --> 00:40:22,856
I'm just like zoink!

1053
00:40:22,856 --> 00:40:24,892
There's just, like,
a cartoon puff of smoke

1054
00:40:24,892 --> 00:40:27,794
in the outline of my body
over the bike.

1055
00:40:27,794 --> 00:40:30,264
I smash into the ground.
My dogs aren't done with me.

1056
00:40:30,264 --> 00:40:32,799
They're connected to my stupid
fucking dog sledding belt.

1057
00:40:32,799 --> 00:40:34,368
Remember?

1058
00:40:34,368 --> 00:40:37,971
So they proceed to pull my body
across the grass

1059
00:40:37,971 --> 00:40:40,974
like a dumpy Hefty bag
on its way to Goodwill.

1060
00:40:40,974 --> 00:40:44,111
They just drag me over
to this other dog.

1061
00:40:44,111 --> 00:40:47,047
And then they meet that dog
like nothing has transpired.

1062
00:40:48,949 --> 00:40:50,617
They're like, "Oh, hey,
you come to this park too?

1063
00:40:50,617 --> 00:40:51,718
"Oh, yeah. This is our park.

1064
00:40:51,718 --> 00:40:53,921
"Yeah. This is our regular park.

1065
00:40:53,921 --> 00:40:55,889
"Cool, man. Yeah, well,
let's have a sniff."

1066
00:40:55,889 --> 00:40:57,724
At no point did they look
behind them, like,

1067
00:40:57,724 --> 00:40:58,926
"Hey, check it out.

1068
00:40:58,926 --> 00:41:01,595
"We're dragging that asshole
from back home."

1069
00:41:01,595 --> 00:41:04,331
They could not have
given less of a fuck.

1070
00:41:06,333 --> 00:41:07,901
And I'm just lying there
on my side

1071
00:41:07,901 --> 00:41:09,736
in the fetal position.
like, "Oh, my God,

1072
00:41:09,736 --> 00:41:13,240
"did I just break
every bone in my body?"

1073
00:41:13,240 --> 00:41:14,775
I'm, like, wiggling my fingers.

1074
00:41:14,775 --> 00:41:16,143
I'm wiggling my toes.

1075
00:41:16,143 --> 00:41:18,846
Just doing
a full systems reboot.

1076
00:41:18,846 --> 00:41:20,247
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1077
00:41:20,247 --> 00:41:22,516
And the couple
is standing right there,

1078
00:41:22,516 --> 00:41:25,185
and the dude
is standing over me.

1079
00:41:25,185 --> 00:41:27,621
And he's trying
so hard not to laugh.

1080
00:41:29,656 --> 00:41:36,163
He says... [CHUCKLES]
"Dude, are you okay?"

1081
00:41:36,163 --> 00:41:37,598
And I was like,
"Just laugh, dude.

1082
00:41:37,598 --> 00:41:39,266
"Holy shit!"

1083
00:41:39,266 --> 00:41:42,002
I would laugh forever
if I saw this.

1084
00:41:42,002 --> 00:41:44,371
It would bring me endless joy.

1085
00:41:45,839 --> 00:41:47,274
And it was in that
moment I realized

1086
00:41:47,274 --> 00:41:48,842
what a gift I just
gave this couple.

1087
00:41:50,143 --> 00:41:52,713
This is gonna keep
them together forever.

1088
00:41:52,713 --> 00:41:55,315
I have glued them together.

1089
00:41:55,315 --> 00:41:57,484
Decades from now,
they could be in some fight.

1090
00:41:57,484 --> 00:41:59,453
Things are tense.
Maybe it's over.

1091
00:41:59,453 --> 00:42:00,721
Maybe this is the end.

1092
00:42:00,721 --> 00:42:02,322
All it'll take
is for them to be like,

1093
00:42:02,322 --> 00:42:03,857
"Hey, remember that
asshole we saw at the park

1094
00:42:03,857 --> 00:42:04,958
"with those two Huskies?"

1095
00:42:04,958 --> 00:42:06,860
"I do and our love is special.

1096
00:42:06,860 --> 00:42:08,829
"I love you so much."

1097
00:42:08,829 --> 00:42:10,063
That's gonna
do it for me, everyone.

1098
00:42:10,063 --> 00:42:11,632
Thank you so much
for coming out.

1099
00:42:11,632 --> 00:42:13,834
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
- Thank you very much.

1100
00:42:14,668 --> 00:42:16,370
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]