1
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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

2
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[audience laughing]

3
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

4
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This is my favorite New York joke.
Y'all wanna hear it?

5
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[audience] Yeah!

6
00:00:15,557 --> 00:00:17,559
-[cheering and applause]
-[Andrew] All right, cool.

7
00:00:17,642 --> 00:00:18,977
Love you.

8
00:00:19,060 --> 00:00:20,103
I love you too.

9
00:00:20,186 --> 00:00:22,230
Nobody's more proud of their city than us.

10
00:00:22,313 --> 00:00:25,483
That's what I thought my whole life,
and then I went to Chicago.

11
00:00:25,567 --> 00:00:26,818
[audience laughs]

12
00:00:26,901 --> 00:00:29,446
Now, Chicago is a very wild…

13
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But they're proud of shit
they really should not be proud of.

14
00:00:32,782 --> 00:00:34,075
[audience laughs]

15
00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:37,203
They're proud of the tragedies
that have happened in their city.

16
00:00:37,704 --> 00:00:41,207
They named their soccer team
the Chicago Fire.

17
00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:43,293
[audience laughing]

18
00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:49,090
New Yorkers, we love New York.
We're not namin' a football team…

19
00:00:49,674 --> 00:00:52,677
[audience laughing]

20
00:00:52,761 --> 00:00:54,721
…the New York Nine-Elevens?

21
00:00:54,804 --> 00:00:56,264
[audience laughs]

22
00:00:56,347 --> 00:00:58,641
We call 'em the Jets. Guys…

23
00:00:58,725 --> 00:01:00,977
[audience laughing]

24
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:03,063
[cheering and applause]

25
00:01:05,398 --> 00:01:08,068
We don't name it after.
We name it before. Okay?

26
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Take that, Chicago.
It's called confidence.

27
00:01:11,196 --> 00:01:12,030
[audience laughs]

28
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Or knowledge of an inside job,
but I don't wanna get too political.

29
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-[audience laughing]
-[funky music playing]

30
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♪ Ooh ♪

31
00:01:19,329 --> 00:01:22,123
♪ Like a person needs his soul ♪

32
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♪ Like the winter needs the cold ♪

33
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♪ Ooh, I need you ♪

34
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[crowd cheering]

35
00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:34,761
♪ Like the fire needs the air ♪

36
00:01:34,844 --> 00:01:38,848
♪ I won't burn unless you're there ♪

37
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And now, give it up for my son,

38
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Andrew Schulz!

39
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♪ America got a thing
For this gangster shit ♪

40
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♪ They love me ♪

41
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♪ Black Chukkas, black skully
Leather Pelle Pelle ♪

42
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♪ I tag SPIT over Ramo's shit
I'm a vandal ♪

43
00:01:54,572 --> 00:01:57,742
♪ Got that silver duct tape
On my trey eight handle ♪

44
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♪ I want the finer things in my life… ♪

45
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New York City!

46
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[music fades]

47
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Make some fucking noise!

48
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[audience cheers loudly]

49
00:02:08,002 --> 00:02:09,129
Ay!

50
00:02:09,212 --> 00:02:11,381
[cheering and applause continues]

51
00:02:14,217 --> 00:02:17,095
New York, a lot has changed
in my life recently. I just had a baby.

52
00:02:17,178 --> 00:02:19,681
-[cheering and applause]
-That's pretty cool. Yeah.

53
00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:21,391
Yeah.

54
00:02:21,933 --> 00:02:24,519
Yeah. My wife had the baby.
I wanna clarify that.

55
00:02:24,602 --> 00:02:25,645
[audience laughs]

56
00:02:25,728 --> 00:02:29,399
I actually hate it when men take credit
for what women go through in childbirth.

57
00:02:29,482 --> 00:02:30,567
[women cheer]

58
00:02:30,650 --> 00:02:33,444
Know what I'm talking about?
These fucking new-age dudes out here,

59
00:02:33,528 --> 00:02:34,571
"We're pregnant."

60
00:02:34,654 --> 00:02:36,072
[audience laughs]

61
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,074
"We had a baby."
It's like, "Shut the fuck up."

62
00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:39,993
You did nothing. You're being insulting."

63
00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:42,912
It's like when my wife says,
"We made a lot of money."

64
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-Uh…
-[audience laughing]

65
00:02:45,498 --> 00:02:48,293
[applause]

66
00:02:48,918 --> 00:02:51,880
-"Oh, did we do that, babe? Is that…"
-[audience laughs]

67
00:02:51,963 --> 00:02:54,591
I feel like I'm the one
in labor here, you know?

68
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:58,261
There's no epidural for hard work,
I'll tell you that much.

69
00:02:58,344 --> 00:03:00,221
[audience laughing]

70
00:03:02,432 --> 00:03:04,809
I'm fuckin' around, moms.
We got some moms here?

71
00:03:04,893 --> 00:03:07,270
-[women cheer]
-That's what I'm talkin' about.

72
00:03:07,353 --> 00:03:11,274
Labor is the wildest thing
I've ever witnessed in my entire life.

73
00:03:11,357 --> 00:03:14,277
I wish I read them books and pamphlets
the fuckin' doctor gave me,

74
00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:15,612
I'll tell you that much.

75
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:19,949
When your wife first gets pregnant,
you have to go get a baby-specific doctor

76
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:22,619
called an OB-GYN, right?

77
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I didn't know what the fuck that was.
I thought it was more gay letters.

78
00:03:26,164 --> 00:03:29,417
-[audience laughing]
-My wife's like, "We need an OB-GYN."

79
00:03:29,500 --> 00:03:33,630
I was like, "Why do we need
a fuckin' gay guy to deliver the baby?"

80
00:03:33,713 --> 00:03:37,175
"What do they know about this?
It's not their jurisdiction at all."

81
00:03:37,258 --> 00:03:38,259
[audience laughing]

82
00:03:38,343 --> 00:03:40,762
I don't want some gay doctor
to open my wife's legs,

83
00:03:40,845 --> 00:03:43,348
like… [camply] "Ew, yucky. Vagina."

84
00:03:43,848 --> 00:03:45,934
"Gross!"

85
00:03:46,017 --> 00:03:49,562
"I want to look at something hot,
like a butt full o' shit, you know?"

86
00:03:49,646 --> 00:03:51,773
[audience laughing]

87
00:03:57,111 --> 00:03:59,030
Anyway, I didn't read
the books and pamphlets,

88
00:03:59,113 --> 00:04:00,990
so I got no clue what the fuck to expect.

89
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:05,036
My wife's water broke. I'm hyped.
I got the Nintendo Switch charged up.

90
00:04:05,119 --> 00:04:05,995
I got…

91
00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:10,124
I got an extension cord just in case
the outlet's far from the couch.

92
00:04:10,208 --> 00:04:11,417
[audience laughs]

93
00:04:11,501 --> 00:04:12,418
We get to the hospital.

94
00:04:12,502 --> 00:04:15,463
The security guards are dappin' me up.
"Schulz, you're about to be a dad."

95
00:04:15,546 --> 00:04:18,466
"I'm about to beat Mario Kart. Don't know
what the fuck you talking about."

96
00:04:18,549 --> 00:04:19,676
[audience laughs]

97
00:04:19,759 --> 00:04:20,969
We get up to the room.

98
00:04:21,052 --> 00:04:23,054
Labor begins. The surprises begin.

99
00:04:23,638 --> 00:04:26,224
Here's something
that you should know. I wish I knew.

100
00:04:26,307 --> 00:04:29,811
Every two hours during labor,
the doctor's gonna walk in the room,

101
00:04:29,894 --> 00:04:31,896
finger your wife right in front of you.

102
00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:33,940
[audience laughing]

103
00:04:34,023 --> 00:04:36,776
That's a pretty important
piece of information, right?

104
00:04:36,859 --> 00:04:40,071
It's probably at the top
of the books and pamphlets, by the way.

105
00:04:40,154 --> 00:04:43,866
Be nice if the security guards told me
instead of dapping me up downstairs.

106
00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:44,909
[audience laughing]

107
00:04:44,993 --> 00:04:47,495
"Your wife's gonna be a sock puppet
for the next 24 hours,

108
00:04:47,578 --> 00:04:50,915
so get ready for this fuckin'
Illuminati humiliation ritual

109
00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:52,250
you just signed up for!"

110
00:04:52,333 --> 00:04:53,668
[audience laughing]

111
00:04:53,751 --> 00:04:55,628
"Choose your OB-GYN wisely."

112
00:04:55,712 --> 00:04:56,879
[audience laughing]

113
00:04:56,963 --> 00:05:00,591
"Don't choose some 6'6'' Viking
with a baseball mitt as a hand."

114
00:05:00,675 --> 00:05:01,759
[audience laughing]

115
00:05:01,843 --> 00:05:04,887
"Your wife's not even dilating.
He's scooping it out, Baskin-Robbins."

116
00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:06,889
[audience laughing]

117
00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:10,685
Thank God we had
this little Filipina doctor.

118
00:05:10,768 --> 00:05:12,145
-Thank God.
-[audience laughs]

119
00:05:12,228 --> 00:05:16,190
Thank God. She looked like the chick
that made the outfits for The Incredibles.

120
00:05:16,274 --> 00:05:17,275
[audience laughing]

121
00:05:17,358 --> 00:05:19,152
She had the smallest little hand…

122
00:05:19,235 --> 00:05:21,738
They might have been chopsticks.
They were so tiny.

123
00:05:21,821 --> 00:05:24,490
[audience laughing]

124
00:05:25,742 --> 00:05:29,454
Bro, I remember, she, like…
she, like, floated into the room.

125
00:05:29,537 --> 00:05:31,122
[audience laughing]

126
00:05:31,205 --> 00:05:34,500
Walked right up to my wife,
opened her legs, fingers her.

127
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:37,253
Yells out a number. "Four!"

128
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:38,796
[audience laughs]

129
00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:41,466
I stopped jerking off.
I'm like, "Hold on, hold on."

130
00:05:41,549 --> 00:05:42,759
[audience laughing]

131
00:05:42,842 --> 00:05:45,470
"What the fuck you mean four, bitch?
That's a ten!"

132
00:05:46,304 --> 00:05:47,972
"Babe, do that squeezy shit you do."

133
00:05:48,056 --> 00:05:50,850
"Lock it up. Do the fucking…
Take the air out the room!"

134
00:05:50,933 --> 00:05:51,851
[audience laughing]

135
00:05:51,934 --> 00:05:53,895
Four… I know fours.
I've been to Staten Island.

136
00:05:53,978 --> 00:05:57,398
-I know what the fuck a four looks like.
-[audience laughing]

137
00:05:57,482 --> 00:06:00,234
[cheering and applause]

138
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:03,946
I'm fucking around.
Shout out to Staten Island, man.

139
00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:05,156
[audience cheers]

140
00:06:05,239 --> 00:06:06,449
Let's fucking go.

141
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,535
Craziest New Yorkers, fact.

142
00:06:09,619 --> 00:06:10,536
[audience laughs]

143
00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:12,205
The most passionate, the most wild.

144
00:06:12,288 --> 00:06:16,209
If anybody ever tries to invade New York,
Staten Island gonna handle that.

145
00:06:16,292 --> 00:06:18,294
[audience laughs]

146
00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:21,631
There's a scientific reason why people
from Staten Island are the way they are,

147
00:06:21,714 --> 00:06:23,966
but we'll get to that shit later. Uh…

148
00:06:24,592 --> 00:06:27,887
Anyway, 24 hours
of this little fingering festival…

149
00:06:27,970 --> 00:06:29,097
[audience laughs]

150
00:06:29,180 --> 00:06:31,099
…I'm sitting through, right?

151
00:06:31,808 --> 00:06:34,185
Twenty-four hours in,
the baby's heart rate drops.

152
00:06:34,268 --> 00:06:36,646
They gotta do
an emergency C-section, right?

153
00:06:36,729 --> 00:06:39,232
Doctor comes up to me.
Like, "We have to do a C-section."

154
00:06:39,315 --> 00:06:41,359
"You've read the books.
You know what to expect."

155
00:06:41,442 --> 00:06:44,153
And I'm like, "Yeah. Yeah. Uh…"

156
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:47,031
They wheel my wife to another room.
I go with them, right?

157
00:06:47,115 --> 00:06:49,784
I'm fucking delirious.
My thumbs are sore from Mario Kart.

158
00:06:49,867 --> 00:06:51,744
Like, I haven't slept in 24 hours.

159
00:06:51,828 --> 00:06:54,580
The hospital's Rainbow Road.
I got no fucking clue what's going on.

160
00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:56,082
[audience laughs]

161
00:06:56,165 --> 00:06:59,335
The doctor takes me
to a little room inside that room

162
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:01,963
and hands me
the doctor's outfit, the scrubs.

163
00:07:02,547 --> 00:07:03,798
She goes, "Put this on."

164
00:07:04,966 --> 00:07:05,967
I go, "For what?"

165
00:07:06,050 --> 00:07:07,552
[audience laughs]

166
00:07:07,635 --> 00:07:09,303
"Do I need to carve the pumpkin?"

167
00:07:09,387 --> 00:07:10,847
[audience laughs]

168
00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:13,558
I'm like, "What kind
of janky-ass insurance do I have

169
00:07:14,183 --> 00:07:16,519
that I gotta perform
the fucking C-section?"

170
00:07:17,186 --> 00:07:19,939
I'm googling on the low, "dad C-section."

171
00:07:20,022 --> 00:07:21,065
[audience laughing]

172
00:07:21,149 --> 00:07:23,359
It's just tranny porn
showing up on my phone.

173
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:24,527
[audience laughing]

174
00:07:24,610 --> 00:07:26,946
"Who the fuck stole my phone
and looked up all this…

175
00:07:27,029 --> 00:07:28,656
awesome shit?" You know?

176
00:07:28,739 --> 00:07:30,575
[audience laughing]

177
00:07:32,243 --> 00:07:35,621
I follow the doctor. We go into the room.
My wife's laying on this bed.

178
00:07:35,705 --> 00:07:38,708
There's a curtain hanging from the ceiling
right below her tits, okay?

179
00:07:38,791 --> 00:07:42,420
Doctor goes, "Go up there with the tits."
I'm like, "Obviously, uh…"

180
00:07:42,503 --> 00:07:43,337
[audience laughing]

181
00:07:43,421 --> 00:07:46,883
I'm not going with the chainsaw massacre.
I'm going up with the knock-knocks.

182
00:07:46,966 --> 00:07:48,759
I protect the tits. I guard the tits.

183
00:07:48,843 --> 00:07:49,886
[audience laughs]

184
00:07:49,969 --> 00:07:52,096
My wife's passed out. I'm just, "Aah."

185
00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:54,348
[audience and Andrew laugh]

186
00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:57,477
You gotta keep the ducts open, right?
That baby gotta feed.

187
00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:59,770
You don't want the titty milk
to glaze them over.

188
00:07:59,854 --> 00:08:03,024
So I got them coin purse. I'm blowin'
into 'em like a Snapple bottle.

189
00:08:03,107 --> 00:08:04,275
[blows]

190
00:08:04,358 --> 00:08:06,652
[audience laughing]

191
00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:09,113
Doctor starts carving up my wife.

192
00:08:09,614 --> 00:08:12,825
Takes out the baby. We hear the baby cry.
Can't see the baby 'cause of the curtain.

193
00:08:12,909 --> 00:08:16,746
My wife goes, "Go look at the baby."
I go around the curtain. I see the baby.

194
00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:19,916
[audience laughs]

195
00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:23,211
Now I don't know if any of y'all
have ever seen a brand-new baby?

196
00:08:23,294 --> 00:08:24,253
[audience laughing]

197
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:26,589
You know how frogs start as tadpoles?

198
00:08:26,672 --> 00:08:28,007
[audience laughing]

199
00:08:28,090 --> 00:08:30,718
Babies start as Puerto Rican.
Did you guys know that?

200
00:08:30,801 --> 00:08:32,220
[audience laughing]

201
00:08:32,303 --> 00:08:34,138
Every baby starts as Puerto Rican.

202
00:08:34,222 --> 00:08:37,225
This was the most Puerto Rican-looking
baby I've ever seen in my life.

203
00:08:37,308 --> 00:08:41,771
It had a Yankee fitted.
It had a keychain with a frog on it.

204
00:08:41,854 --> 00:08:42,688
[audience laughs]

205
00:08:42,772 --> 00:08:45,983
It was driving a Toyota RAV4
with a 4.7 Uber rating.

206
00:08:46,859 --> 00:08:50,738
It wasn't even "goo-goo ga-ga."
It was like… [trills tongue]

207
00:08:50,821 --> 00:08:53,533
-It had too much rhythm to be mine.
-[audience laughs]

208
00:08:53,616 --> 00:08:57,286
I go right up to the doctor. I'm like,
"Yo. Why is the baby Puerto Rican?"

209
00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:58,412
[audience laughs]

210
00:08:58,496 --> 00:09:01,707
The doctor looks at me, and she goes,
"We just need to heat it up."

211
00:09:01,791 --> 00:09:03,668
[audience laughs]

212
00:09:03,751 --> 00:09:05,336
They take my Puerto Rican baby.

213
00:09:05,419 --> 00:09:06,629
[audience laughs]

214
00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:09,215
They put it under the taquitos lamp
from 7-Eleven.

215
00:09:09,298 --> 00:09:10,550
[audience laughing]

216
00:09:10,633 --> 00:09:12,843
No bullshit.
The finest medical institutions,

217
00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:14,512
United States of America,

218
00:09:14,595 --> 00:09:18,266
will turn your Puerto Rican baby white
with a taquitos lamp from 7-Eleven.

219
00:09:18,849 --> 00:09:21,852
I watched them barbecue the boricua
right out of my baby.

220
00:09:21,936 --> 00:09:23,020
[audience laughs]

221
00:09:23,104 --> 00:09:26,023
My baby changed colors like a mood ring,
and let me tell you something.

222
00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:29,110
My mood, way better. Oh my God!

223
00:09:29,819 --> 00:09:32,488
The second the baby turned white,
I was, "They will not replace us."

224
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,824
I regret saying that out loud.

225
00:09:34,907 --> 00:09:37,201
[audience laughing]

226
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:46,168
Gave us this beautiful little baby, man.

227
00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:48,087
We had a little girl.

228
00:09:48,170 --> 00:09:50,381
It's pretty cool.
We got some girl dads in here?

229
00:09:50,464 --> 00:09:52,216
-[cheering and applause]
-Girl dad?

230
00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:54,510
That's what the fuck
I'm talking about, my boy.

231
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:55,928
That shit is stressful, huh?

232
00:09:56,012 --> 00:09:56,846
[audience laughs]

233
00:09:56,929 --> 00:09:59,473
I understand every gender-reveal video,

234
00:09:59,557 --> 00:10:02,018
the look on the dad's face
when the smoke is pink.

235
00:10:02,101 --> 00:10:03,477
[audience laughs]

236
00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:06,022
When the smoke is blue,
they start doing football shit.

237
00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:08,024
They're like… [grunting]

238
00:10:08,107 --> 00:10:09,275
[audience laughs]

239
00:10:09,358 --> 00:10:12,445
The smoke is pink, they just stare off
in the distance, right?

240
00:10:12,528 --> 00:10:13,654
[audience laughing]

241
00:10:13,738 --> 00:10:16,449
Like they got
their rejection letter from Hogwarts.

242
00:10:16,532 --> 00:10:17,867
[audience laughing]

243
00:10:22,663 --> 00:10:25,791
And it's not because we're upset
we're having a daughter, okay?

244
00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:27,460
That has nothing to do with it.

245
00:10:27,543 --> 00:10:29,545
We're so happy we're having a daughter.
We love it.

246
00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:31,714
It's just we know when you're a girl dad,

247
00:10:31,797 --> 00:10:35,801
anything that happens to that girl,
it's your fault. It's immediate pressure.

248
00:10:35,885 --> 00:10:38,220
I have a screenshot
of the moment I found out

249
00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:39,764
that I was gonna have a daughter.

250
00:10:39,847 --> 00:10:41,849
If you want to see stress,

251
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:45,019
if you want to see pressure…
Put that shit up.

252
00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:46,604
That's…

253
00:10:46,687 --> 00:10:49,315
-[audience laughing]
-[scattered applause]

254
00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:54,487
Look at me holding the sheets, man.
You shouldn't hold sheets like that.

255
00:10:54,570 --> 00:10:55,905
[audience laughing]

256
00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:57,948
This is the pressure of knowing

257
00:10:58,032 --> 00:11:00,826
no matter what happens to your daughter,
it's Dad's fault.

258
00:11:00,910 --> 00:11:04,997
When you're a girl dad, no matter
what happens to them, it's our fault.

259
00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:08,084
Okay? I miss one volleyball game,
she starts an OnlyFans.

260
00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:10,795
-It's my fault for some fucking reason.
-[audience laughing]

261
00:11:10,878 --> 00:11:13,506
She's out there sucking dick,
it's daddy issue.

262
00:11:14,006 --> 00:11:17,760
It's dad… I don't even suck dick.
That's the mom's side of the family.

263
00:11:17,843 --> 00:11:20,221
[audience laughing]

264
00:11:20,304 --> 00:11:22,181
These moms are putting
their dick-sucking DNA

265
00:11:22,264 --> 00:11:25,851
in our innocent little daughters,
and we're getting blamed for it.

266
00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:29,021
I know for a fact there's no
dick-sucking DNA left in my wife.

267
00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:30,314
That's a guarantee.

268
00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:31,482
[audience laughing]

269
00:11:31,565 --> 00:11:33,943
That shit came out
with the placenta or something.

270
00:11:34,443 --> 00:11:37,279
My wife gives me head
like my dick made out of cilantro.

271
00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:39,865
[audience laughing]

272
00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:49,208
Put that picture away.
I can't… I'm getting PTSD just…

273
00:11:53,045 --> 00:11:55,506
No, girl dad is just tough.
It's beautiful. It's awesome.

274
00:11:55,589 --> 00:11:58,843
We love them, obviously,
but it's just stressful upfront.

275
00:11:58,926 --> 00:12:01,137
Boy dad is easy.
Who got boys here? Anybody?

276
00:12:01,220 --> 00:12:03,764
-[audience cheering]
-We got boys. We got boys.

277
00:12:03,848 --> 00:12:05,516
The fuck I'm talking about, man.

278
00:12:06,016 --> 00:12:07,351
That shit is easy, right?

279
00:12:08,352 --> 00:12:10,104
'Cause you could not love your son…

280
00:12:15,109 --> 00:12:16,736
and he'll be greater.

281
00:12:16,819 --> 00:12:19,947
[audience laughing]

282
00:12:20,030 --> 00:12:23,325
We don't like to admit it, but that is
the key to having a successful male.

283
00:12:23,409 --> 00:12:25,244
Just remove the dad completely.

284
00:12:25,327 --> 00:12:26,328
[audience laughing]

285
00:12:26,412 --> 00:12:28,998
It's guaranteed success. It never fails.

286
00:12:29,081 --> 00:12:32,251
LeBron James, Jeff Bezos, Jesus.

287
00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:37,047
None of them had their dads
in their lives. Coincidence?

288
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:40,384
You get Pop out of the way,
miracles start happening.

289
00:12:41,302 --> 00:12:44,555
If Jesus's dad was in his life,
he would be a carpenter. Facts.

290
00:12:44,638 --> 00:12:45,973
-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles]

291
00:12:46,056 --> 00:12:48,100
He would be Jesús. [laughs]

292
00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:50,186
[audience laughing]

293
00:12:52,980 --> 00:12:55,941
He wouldn't be on the cross.
He'd be building them motherfuckers.

294
00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:59,737
[Latin American accent] "Hey, it's strong.
You can hang anything from here."

295
00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:00,738
[audience laughing]

296
00:13:00,821 --> 00:13:02,948
"This is walnut.
Look at this. It's walnut."

297
00:13:03,032 --> 00:13:05,034
[audience laughing]

298
00:13:09,663 --> 00:13:12,625
[normal voice] Just easier up top.
I'm sure it's got its stresses.

299
00:13:13,209 --> 00:13:14,710
You circumcise your son?

300
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:16,921
-[audience laughs]
-You did circumcise him.

301
00:13:17,004 --> 00:13:19,173
That's what the fuck
I'm talking about, bro.

302
00:13:19,256 --> 00:13:21,383
For religious reasons or American reasons?

303
00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:24,804
-My wife's reason.
-Your wife's reason. Are you circumcised?

304
00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:27,765
No?

305
00:13:28,390 --> 00:13:31,894
So your wife was like, "I'm not letting
anybody put up with this shit."

306
00:13:31,977 --> 00:13:35,189
[audience and Andrew laughing]

307
00:13:38,567 --> 00:13:41,111
"Not gonna have my kid's dick
look like E.T. in a bike basket."

308
00:13:41,195 --> 00:13:42,696
"Circumcise that thing!"

309
00:13:45,366 --> 00:13:48,202
Anyway, that's a brave decision.
A lot of people feel peer pressure.

310
00:13:48,285 --> 00:13:51,413
'Cause in America,
everybody here gets circumcised.

311
00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:53,040
-Um…
-[man] No!

312
00:13:53,123 --> 00:13:54,124
All right, bro.

313
00:13:54,208 --> 00:13:56,001
[audience laughing]

314
00:13:56,085 --> 00:13:57,086
Prove it!

315
00:13:57,169 --> 00:13:59,630
[audience laughing]

316
00:13:59,713 --> 00:14:00,881
Pull that shit out!

317
00:14:01,632 --> 00:14:02,800
Pull that shit out!

318
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:06,762
If I don't see the sand worm from Dune,
I don't believe it.

319
00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:08,180
[audience laughing]

320
00:14:08,264 --> 00:14:09,515
[applause]

321
00:14:14,270 --> 00:14:16,272
What I'm trying to say is
outside of America,

322
00:14:16,355 --> 00:14:18,816
it's only religious people
that get circumcised.

323
00:14:18,899 --> 00:14:21,360
Obviously, Jews do it. Jews invented it.

324
00:14:21,443 --> 00:14:26,198
Uh, Abraham, he was like, "Yo,
this is a covenant between you and God."

325
00:14:26,282 --> 00:14:28,367
"This is how God knows you're down."

326
00:14:28,450 --> 00:14:29,451
[audience laughs]

327
00:14:29,535 --> 00:14:31,495
"If you wanna be part of the tribe,

328
00:14:32,288 --> 00:14:33,414
I'ma need that."

329
00:14:33,497 --> 00:14:35,082
[audience laughing]

330
00:14:35,666 --> 00:14:36,876
His words, not mine.

331
00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:38,627
[audience laughing]

332
00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:41,630
Okay? Now, to be fair,
I don't think he was opening with this.

333
00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:44,925
I think he was like, "Yo, everybody
gets a hat. Fridays off. It's fire."

334
00:14:45,009 --> 00:14:47,761
-You know?
-[audience laughing]

335
00:14:47,845 --> 00:14:49,889
Then two weeks later,
he's like, "I need calamari."

336
00:14:49,972 --> 00:14:52,933
You're like, "The fuck is this guy
talking about calamari all of a sudden?"

337
00:14:53,017 --> 00:14:55,394
[audience laughing]

338
00:14:56,687 --> 00:14:59,857
So Jews gotta do it. Jews gotta do it. Uh…

339
00:14:59,940 --> 00:15:03,569
Christians don't have to. Jesus came.
He was like, "Yo, Abe was wildin'."

340
00:15:03,652 --> 00:15:04,820
[audience laughing]

341
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:07,489
"My man like the end of baby dicks.
It's weird."

342
00:15:07,990 --> 00:15:10,367
"Spoke to Pops.
We don't need to do it anymore."

343
00:15:11,076 --> 00:15:13,454
Then Muslims come around, bring it back.

344
00:15:14,204 --> 00:15:15,873
Throwback jersey, vintage.

345
00:15:15,956 --> 00:15:17,041
[audience laughing]

346
00:15:17,124 --> 00:15:18,584
We got Muslims here tonight?

347
00:15:18,667 --> 00:15:19,710
[audience cheers]

348
00:15:19,793 --> 00:15:22,922
All right, so you guys know why you do it.
Non-Muslims usually don't.

349
00:15:23,005 --> 00:15:24,757
But the reason why Muslims circumcise

350
00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:28,302
is 'cause Muslims are always
trying to out-Jew the Jews.

351
00:15:28,385 --> 00:15:31,805
-[audience laughing]
-This is a sibling rivalry as old as time.

352
00:15:32,431 --> 00:15:34,934
"How many times a day do they pray?
We'll pray five times a day."

353
00:15:35,017 --> 00:15:37,227
-"Fuck it Let's go."
-[audience laughing]

354
00:15:38,854 --> 00:15:42,024
"How many days do they not eat?
We won't eat for the whole month."

355
00:15:42,107 --> 00:15:44,360
[audience laughing]

356
00:15:44,443 --> 00:15:45,819
"They just circumcise the boys?"

357
00:15:45,903 --> 00:15:46,737
[stammers]

358
00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:49,365
[audience laughing]

359
00:15:58,874 --> 00:16:02,628
Anyway, so most Americans do it
for no reason, okay?

360
00:16:03,170 --> 00:16:06,715
And the funny shit is, like,
all of our parents do it to us,

361
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:08,467
and they never tell us they did it.

362
00:16:08,550 --> 00:16:10,469
They don't tell us
our dicks are different.

363
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:13,514
So we find out in the wild.

364
00:16:13,597 --> 00:16:16,183
-[audience laughing]
-Like, you'll just be at the gym.

365
00:16:16,266 --> 00:16:20,521
You see some Serbian guy washing off,
and you're like, "Yo, yo, what the fuck?"

366
00:16:20,604 --> 00:16:23,065
[audience laughing]

367
00:16:23,148 --> 00:16:25,901
"The fuck is wrong with Dragel's dick?
Bro, you seeing this shit?"

368
00:16:26,568 --> 00:16:28,779
"He got a pussy
at the end of his dick, bro!"

369
00:16:28,862 --> 00:16:29,780
[audience laughing]

370
00:16:29,863 --> 00:16:32,908
"Dragel got an outie vagina.
This is crazy!"

371
00:16:33,742 --> 00:16:35,869
"Dragel, stop holding your nose closed
when you sneeze."

372
00:16:35,953 --> 00:16:37,746
"You gettin' sleeved up down there."

373
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:40,124
[audience laughing]

374
00:16:42,376 --> 00:16:46,296
No bullshit. I remember the moment
I found out about uncircumcised dicks.

375
00:16:46,964 --> 00:16:50,634
I remember I was watching a porno,
and the dude was not circumcised,

376
00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:52,219
but it wasn't in the title.

377
00:16:52,302 --> 00:16:54,596
Illegal. That shit should be illegal.

378
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,682
[audience laughing]

379
00:16:57,975 --> 00:17:02,396
I remember the girl grabbed the meat.
The meat… looked halal.

380
00:17:02,479 --> 00:17:04,064
It… You know what I mean? Like…

381
00:17:04,565 --> 00:17:06,400
The shawarma was shaved, right?

382
00:17:07,276 --> 00:17:10,070
Looked circumcised.
Coast is clear. I start jerking off.

383
00:17:10,154 --> 00:17:11,822
[audience laughing]

384
00:17:11,905 --> 00:17:13,907
All of a sudden, she grabbed the dick.

385
00:17:14,408 --> 00:17:15,617
Yanked it up.

386
00:17:16,785 --> 00:17:18,829
Head… gone.

387
00:17:18,912 --> 00:17:20,164
[audience laughing]

388
00:17:20,247 --> 00:17:23,625
I dropped my dick.
I said, "What type of sorcery is this?"

389
00:17:24,168 --> 00:17:27,337
I'm not jerking off
to no Sleepy Hollow Headless Horseman

390
00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:30,174
Henry VIII fucking nonsense.

391
00:17:30,257 --> 00:17:31,300
[audience laughing]

392
00:17:31,383 --> 00:17:34,470
Yo, she jerked the dick back down.
Groundhog Day, out of nowhere.

393
00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:35,429
[audience laughing]

394
00:17:35,512 --> 00:17:37,056
I heard the dick come up for air.

395
00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:38,348
[gasps for air]

396
00:17:38,432 --> 00:17:39,475
[audience laughing]

397
00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:40,893
It took a breath.

398
00:17:40,976 --> 00:17:42,186
[high-pitched inhale]

399
00:17:42,936 --> 00:17:45,856
I was so upset, I left a comment, bro.
I was one of them.

400
00:17:45,939 --> 00:17:47,900
-[audience laughing]
-I was one of them.

401
00:17:47,983 --> 00:17:49,735
My username. Not even a fake one.

402
00:17:49,818 --> 00:17:52,446
-"Take your job seriously."
-[audience laughing]

403
00:17:52,529 --> 00:17:55,532
"This girl bleached her asshole.
You showing up to work in a hoodie."

404
00:17:55,616 --> 00:17:58,035
-"How dare you?"
-[audience laughing]

405
00:18:03,707 --> 00:18:05,125
This is how arrogant we are.

406
00:18:05,209 --> 00:18:06,710
[chuckles]

407
00:18:08,295 --> 00:18:11,799
We call people who are not circumcised
"uncircumcised."

408
00:18:12,966 --> 00:18:16,136
We made up a word for them
that doesn't need to exist.

409
00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:17,346
[audience laughs]

410
00:18:17,429 --> 00:18:20,516
We have all the words.
It's "circumcised" and "dick."

411
00:18:20,599 --> 00:18:22,142
[audience laughing]

412
00:18:22,851 --> 00:18:24,645
We don't call people "un-gay."

413
00:18:24,728 --> 00:18:26,772
[audience laughing]

414
00:18:26,855 --> 00:18:29,233
It's just "gay" and "going to heaven."

415
00:18:29,316 --> 00:18:30,943
There's two very different…

416
00:18:31,026 --> 00:18:33,237
[audience laughing]

417
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:41,537
-I don't make up the rules, guys.
-[audience laughs]

418
00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:43,789
Take that up with the Jews.

419
00:18:43,872 --> 00:18:45,958
[audience laughing]

420
00:18:46,041 --> 00:18:49,002
Old Testament, guys.
It's Old Testament, okay?

421
00:18:49,086 --> 00:18:50,295
[audience laughing]

422
00:18:52,589 --> 00:18:53,465
[groans]

423
00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:54,925
Man.

424
00:18:58,470 --> 00:18:59,805
It's hard to get pregnant.

425
00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:02,057
I had no fucking clue.

426
00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:05,894
Let me tell you guys this right now,
everybody in this room. It is hard.

427
00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:09,857
Uh, everybody lied to you your whole life
about "practice safe sex."

428
00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:12,025
-It's safe.
-[audience laughing]

429
00:19:12,109 --> 00:19:14,611
If you on a date
and you don't have a condom, leave it in.

430
00:19:14,695 --> 00:19:15,863
Nothing's gonna happen.

431
00:19:15,946 --> 00:19:16,989
[audience laughing]

432
00:19:17,072 --> 00:19:19,867
"Oh, what about the pre-cum?"
Pre, regular season, the playoffs,

433
00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:20,826
leave it in.

434
00:19:20,909 --> 00:19:22,244
[audience laughing]

435
00:19:22,327 --> 00:19:24,663
Okay? As long as Spanish
is not her first language,

436
00:19:24,746 --> 00:19:26,456
you got nothing to worry about.

437
00:19:26,957 --> 00:19:27,875
Listen.

438
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:31,587
[Latin American accent] If she speaking
Spanish, this is a problem.

439
00:19:31,670 --> 00:19:32,921
[audience laughing]

440
00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:34,715
[normal voice]
Spanish pussy turns your sperm

441
00:19:34,798 --> 00:19:36,175
into the red shell from Mario Kart.

442
00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:37,467
That's a guaranteed hit.

443
00:19:37,551 --> 00:19:38,802
[audience laughing]

444
00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:40,888
You jerk off into a napkin.
Voo-voo-voo-voo-voo!

445
00:19:40,971 --> 00:19:44,016
"Ay, dios mío. Twins."
That happens all the time.

446
00:19:44,099 --> 00:19:46,101
[audience laughing]

447
00:19:50,063 --> 00:19:53,650
I spent so many years terrified of getting
a woman pregnant for no fucking reason.

448
00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:56,695
I was afraid of getting a woman pregnant
since I was 12 years old.

449
00:19:57,571 --> 00:20:00,157
From when I first started jerking off,
I was terrified.

450
00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:02,117
To the point where I would jerk off,

451
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:05,204
and then afterwards,
wipe the toilet seat with Windex.

452
00:20:05,287 --> 00:20:06,288
[audience laughs]

453
00:20:06,371 --> 00:20:08,332
Flush, wait 60 seconds,

454
00:20:08,415 --> 00:20:09,625
and then flush again.

455
00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:12,377
'Cause I was terrified
my mom would go take a shit…

456
00:20:12,461 --> 00:20:14,421
[audience laughing]

457
00:20:19,509 --> 00:20:22,221
…and nine months later,
I'd have a retarded son-brother.

458
00:20:22,304 --> 00:20:24,306
[audience laughing]

459
00:20:24,389 --> 00:20:25,682
My mom drops a deuce.

460
00:20:25,766 --> 00:20:28,227
Kerplunk, one sperm Free Willys up.

461
00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:29,436
[audience laughing]

462
00:20:29,519 --> 00:20:30,979
Now I'm buying helmets for 18 years

463
00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:33,315
'cause I didn't double flush.
How foolish was I?

464
00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:35,067
[audience laughing]

465
00:20:38,445 --> 00:20:42,699
Now, women are way more aware
of the fragility of fertility, okay?

466
00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:44,826
My wife, it's always been her dream
to be a mother.

467
00:20:44,910 --> 00:20:47,663
She actually came to me
before we were gonna start trying,

468
00:20:47,746 --> 00:20:51,208
and she was like, "Hey, what if
for some reason we can't get pregnant?"

469
00:20:51,291 --> 00:20:54,127
And I was like,
"Are you fucking challenging me?"

470
00:20:54,211 --> 00:20:57,047
"What the fuck you mean?
I can get you pregnant right now."

471
00:20:57,130 --> 00:20:59,800
"I just gotta clench my cheeks when I nut.
I don't do that."

472
00:20:59,883 --> 00:21:00,717
[audience laughing]

473
00:21:00,801 --> 00:21:03,595
"I don't want to blast a hole
through the top of your skull, okay?"

474
00:21:03,679 --> 00:21:04,721
[audience laughing]

475
00:21:04,805 --> 00:21:06,723
"Do you wanna breathe
outta the top of your head

476
00:21:06,807 --> 00:21:09,977
because I finished the deadlift
when I nutted? Is that what you want?"

477
00:21:10,477 --> 00:21:12,688
"A unicorn horn is gonna grow out
the top of your head

478
00:21:12,771 --> 00:21:14,648
if I just finish the deadlift."

479
00:21:14,731 --> 00:21:16,733
[audience laughing]

480
00:21:17,985 --> 00:21:20,028
I was so offended she even suggested it.

481
00:21:20,112 --> 00:21:23,407
I remember the first time
we had sex to try to have a baby,

482
00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:27,327
I nutted, I looked her right in the eyes,
and I said, "Got 'em!" [chuckles]

483
00:21:27,411 --> 00:21:29,454
[audience laughing]

484
00:21:29,538 --> 00:21:31,540
Pulled out like Steph Curry. I was like…

485
00:21:31,623 --> 00:21:33,625
[audience laughing]

486
00:21:36,420 --> 00:21:38,338
Six months went by. No baby.

487
00:21:38,422 --> 00:21:40,132
[audience laughs]

488
00:21:40,215 --> 00:21:41,591
My wife is freaking out.

489
00:21:41,675 --> 00:21:43,427
She's terrified it's her fault.

490
00:21:43,510 --> 00:21:44,720
I'm freaking out.

491
00:21:44,803 --> 00:21:46,513
I'm terrified it's her fault.

492
00:21:46,596 --> 00:21:48,682
[audience laughing]

493
00:21:48,765 --> 00:21:50,600
Can't be my fault.
I already tested my sperm.

494
00:21:50,684 --> 00:21:53,312
I went like that, it stayed together.
That's how…

495
00:21:53,395 --> 00:21:55,397
[audience laughing]

496
00:21:58,817 --> 00:22:02,237
Listen, ladies. This is how
men scientifically test our sperm.

497
00:22:02,321 --> 00:22:04,072
Whenever it's on our fingers, we just go…

498
00:22:04,156 --> 00:22:06,908
[laughing]

499
00:22:06,992 --> 00:22:09,369
And if the rope don't break,
we got Nick Cannon right there.

500
00:22:09,453 --> 00:22:11,288
-That 90 degrees.
-[audience laughing]

501
00:22:11,371 --> 00:22:13,832
Mm-hmm. One time,
I went pointer finger to pointer finger.

502
00:22:13,915 --> 00:22:15,500
I stretched it out this far.

503
00:22:15,584 --> 00:22:17,961
Two Black girls started playing
Double Dutch out of nowhere.

504
00:22:18,045 --> 00:22:20,255
[audience laughing]

505
00:22:24,926 --> 00:22:27,971
My wife comes up to me, she goes,
"Hey, I wanna get my ovaries tested."

506
00:22:28,055 --> 00:22:30,349
"Would you get your sperm tested
out of support for me?"

507
00:22:30,432 --> 00:22:31,725
I said, "Absolutely."

508
00:22:31,808 --> 00:22:33,852
"Anything to make this process
easier for you."

509
00:22:33,935 --> 00:22:36,772
"Even though it's a waste
of time and money for me, I will do that."

510
00:22:36,855 --> 00:22:39,316
Obviously, I got the Elmer's, okay?

511
00:22:41,151 --> 00:22:42,527
I got the sticky-icky.

512
00:22:42,611 --> 00:22:43,862
[audience laughs]

513
00:22:43,945 --> 00:22:47,741
You need me to hang a painting
or a refrigerator, you let me know.

514
00:22:47,824 --> 00:22:50,660
And I'll Peter Parker,
put it wherever the fuck you want.

515
00:22:50,744 --> 00:22:52,412
[audience laughing]

516
00:22:53,538 --> 00:22:55,624
When you're a dude,
you gotta get your sperm tested.

517
00:22:55,707 --> 00:22:58,835
You gotta go to the hospital,
you gotta jerk off into a cup,

518
00:22:58,919 --> 00:23:01,838
which I now know
is a deeply humbling experience.

519
00:23:02,714 --> 00:23:06,093
'Cause it turns out
cum look way bigger on a back.

520
00:23:06,176 --> 00:23:09,096
[audience laughing]

521
00:23:10,055 --> 00:23:13,016
I built my whole confidence
on back-cum volume.

522
00:23:13,100 --> 00:23:14,434
[audience laughing]

523
00:23:14,518 --> 00:23:16,770
Which I now know is a mirage. It's a lie.

524
00:23:16,853 --> 00:23:17,771
[audience laughing]

525
00:23:17,854 --> 00:23:21,400
Women's backs are actually made out
of passenger-side mirrors from cars.

526
00:23:21,483 --> 00:23:23,902
-Did you know that?
-[audience laughing]

527
00:23:23,985 --> 00:23:26,321
"Objects appear larger
than they actually are."

528
00:23:26,405 --> 00:23:27,406
[audience laughing]

529
00:23:27,489 --> 00:23:29,658
On a back, I thought
I was an artist on a back.

530
00:23:30,158 --> 00:23:31,910
I thought I worked for Nickelodeon.

531
00:23:31,993 --> 00:23:32,828
[audience laughing]

532
00:23:32,911 --> 00:23:35,122
I was giving out Kid's Choice Awards.

533
00:23:35,205 --> 00:23:36,498
[audience laughing]

534
00:23:36,581 --> 00:23:37,416
"Grab me a towel."

535
00:23:37,499 --> 00:23:40,043
"You gonna need a ShamWow
to mop up the mess

536
00:23:40,877 --> 00:23:42,421
that we got on your back."

537
00:23:42,504 --> 00:23:44,131
[audience laughing]

538
00:23:44,214 --> 00:23:46,174
I walked in that hospital
with so much confidence.

539
00:23:46,258 --> 00:23:48,718
They handed me a cup.
I'm handing them back a Martini.

540
00:23:48,802 --> 00:23:51,263
-I'm ready.
-[audience laughing]

541
00:23:51,346 --> 00:23:54,558
I remember, I went in the room.
I jerked off.

542
00:23:54,641 --> 00:23:56,017
I open my eyes.

543
00:23:56,101 --> 00:23:57,185
I look down.

544
00:23:59,187 --> 00:24:00,647
I thought I missed.

545
00:24:00,730 --> 00:24:03,108
[audience laughing]

546
00:24:03,191 --> 00:24:06,486
There was so little sperm in this cup,
I could've counted them individually.

547
00:24:06,570 --> 00:24:07,612
[audience laughing]

548
00:24:07,696 --> 00:24:10,699
There was a red line on the cup
three quarters of the way up.

549
00:24:12,409 --> 00:24:15,412
For what fucking reason?
I do not know to this day.

550
00:24:16,079 --> 00:24:17,456
Three quarters of the way?

551
00:24:17,539 --> 00:24:22,085
What zoo-animal hippopotamus cups
are you giving out to people?

552
00:24:22,169 --> 00:24:23,128
[audience laughing]

553
00:24:23,211 --> 00:24:26,631
Why you even giving me a cup?
Give me a contact-lens case.

554
00:24:26,715 --> 00:24:29,217
[audience laughing]

555
00:24:29,301 --> 00:24:31,219
I'll turn that shit into a Guinness.

556
00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:32,262
[audience laughing]

557
00:24:32,345 --> 00:24:33,889
Foaming at the top and everything.

558
00:24:33,972 --> 00:24:37,267
"Let it settle, nurse. Let it settle.
You never had a Guinness before?"

559
00:24:37,350 --> 00:24:39,186
[audience laughing]

560
00:24:41,938 --> 00:24:43,607
I'm feeling so insecure about the amount.

561
00:24:43,690 --> 00:24:46,026
I'm like, "I gotta ask the nurse
if this is enough."

562
00:24:46,109 --> 00:24:48,028
[audience laughing]

563
00:24:48,111 --> 00:24:51,615
I muster any bit of courage
I have left in my body.

564
00:24:51,698 --> 00:24:53,909
I take a deep breath. I walk out the room.

565
00:24:53,992 --> 00:24:55,410
I see the nurse,

566
00:24:55,494 --> 00:24:58,371
and it is this meatball of an Italian guy.

567
00:24:58,872 --> 00:25:01,333
Chest hair coming out the scrubs.

568
00:25:01,416 --> 00:25:03,335
He's got a gold pepper chain on.

569
00:25:03,835 --> 00:25:06,922
He's not even wearing Crocs.
He got on Jordan 3s, okay?

570
00:25:07,422 --> 00:25:09,799
I'm like, "This guy
does not work here full time."

571
00:25:09,883 --> 00:25:11,718
"This is a hustle
so he could steal fentanyl."

572
00:25:11,801 --> 00:25:13,261
"There's something going on."

573
00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:15,347
[audience laughing]

574
00:25:16,264 --> 00:25:18,141
I walk up to him, low key.

575
00:25:18,225 --> 00:25:20,936
I get about five feet away.
He looks up. He sees me.

576
00:25:21,019 --> 00:25:23,063
He goes, "Schulzy!"

577
00:25:23,146 --> 00:25:24,397
[audience laughs]

578
00:25:24,481 --> 00:25:25,815
Let me tell you something.

579
00:25:26,775 --> 00:25:29,528
The last place you wanna get recognized…

580
00:25:29,611 --> 00:25:30,779
[audience laughing]

581
00:25:30,862 --> 00:25:32,364
…is the sperm clinic

582
00:25:32,948 --> 00:25:35,659
when you have a sprinkle of cum
at the bottom of a cup.

583
00:25:35,742 --> 00:25:37,827
[audience laughing]

584
00:25:37,911 --> 00:25:40,622
I go, "What's up, man?
Let's keep it down. Uh…"

585
00:25:40,705 --> 00:25:42,374
[audience laughing]

586
00:25:42,457 --> 00:25:45,085
I go, "Hey, bro.
You think this is, like, enough?"

587
00:25:45,877 --> 00:25:47,087
He takes the cup.

588
00:25:48,296 --> 00:25:50,840
-He holds it up to the light…
-[audience laughing]

589
00:25:50,924 --> 00:25:52,425
…like it's a fucking gemstone.

590
00:25:52,509 --> 00:25:53,510
[audience laughing]

591
00:25:53,593 --> 00:25:55,011
He goes, "Honestly, bro,

592
00:25:56,096 --> 00:25:57,847
there's a gay guy that works here."

593
00:25:58,723 --> 00:26:00,934
"I think he's got more
in between his teeth."

594
00:26:01,017 --> 00:26:03,311
[audience laughing]

595
00:26:07,691 --> 00:26:10,610
Melted my soul, but good fucking joke.
I'll give it to him.

596
00:26:10,694 --> 00:26:12,028
[audience laughing]

597
00:26:12,112 --> 00:26:14,948
He goes, "Don't worry, Schulzy.
All you need is one."

598
00:26:15,574 --> 00:26:16,533
I'm worried.

599
00:26:16,616 --> 00:26:18,577
-[audience laughing]
-I leave.

600
00:26:18,660 --> 00:26:20,912
I start talking myself
back up the whole week.

601
00:26:20,996 --> 00:26:22,247
I'm talking myself back.

602
00:26:22,330 --> 00:26:25,250
I'm like, "Yeah, you don't have a lot,
but it's fucking dense."

603
00:26:25,333 --> 00:26:26,501
[audience laughing]

604
00:26:26,585 --> 00:26:29,671
"It's high proof. You got the moonshine.
That's what you got."

605
00:26:29,754 --> 00:26:31,131
[audience laughs]

606
00:26:31,214 --> 00:26:33,842
My wife and I go back to get the results.

607
00:26:33,925 --> 00:26:36,469
Doctor starts with my wife.
My wife's name is Emma.

608
00:26:36,553 --> 00:26:39,556
He goes, "Emma,
I just have to say, your ovaries

609
00:26:39,639 --> 00:26:41,349
are absolutely beautiful."

610
00:26:41,433 --> 00:26:44,394
"They're stunning. They're spectacular.
They're immaculate."

611
00:26:44,477 --> 00:26:45,729
[scattered cheering]

612
00:26:45,812 --> 00:26:48,857
Motherfucker said too many adjectives,
if you ask me. Like…

613
00:26:48,940 --> 00:26:50,609
Just a one to ten, and you shut up.

614
00:26:50,692 --> 00:26:53,445
Stop talking about the inside
of my wife's vagina, all right?

615
00:26:53,528 --> 00:26:56,281
You know what the pussy looks like
on the inside. It's like…

616
00:26:56,364 --> 00:26:57,240
This shit like…

617
00:26:57,324 --> 00:26:59,743
[audience laughing]

618
00:26:59,826 --> 00:27:03,955
-Don't it look like a angry Mexican? Like…
-[audience laughing]

619
00:27:04,039 --> 00:27:06,750
"You want these eggs, fool?
Come get 'em, then, fool."

620
00:27:06,833 --> 00:27:09,002
-[audience laughing]
-[Andrew chuckles]

621
00:27:09,085 --> 00:27:11,630
I'm so delusional. I look at him, I go,

622
00:27:12,255 --> 00:27:14,007
"So what do you think it is?"

623
00:27:14,090 --> 00:27:16,509
[audience laughing]

624
00:27:16,593 --> 00:27:19,346
He looks at me. He goes,
"Well, we also have your sperm analysis,

625
00:27:19,429 --> 00:27:22,474
and we would say your sperm is like a C+."

626
00:27:23,266 --> 00:27:24,351
Blacked out.

627
00:27:24,434 --> 00:27:25,852
[audience laughing]

628
00:27:25,935 --> 00:27:28,146
Knee-jerk reaction,
"You ain't even taste it!"

629
00:27:28,229 --> 00:27:29,272
Right? Which…

630
00:27:29,356 --> 00:27:31,441
[audience laughing]

631
00:27:31,524 --> 00:27:33,318
I got defensive. I can admit it.

632
00:27:33,401 --> 00:27:34,944
[audience laughing]

633
00:27:35,028 --> 00:27:37,280
I go, "What the fuck you mean, C+?"

634
00:27:37,781 --> 00:27:41,660
He goes, "Your sperm doesn't swim well."
I go, "Maybe they know they're in a cup."

635
00:27:41,743 --> 00:27:43,161
"Huh? You think about that?"

636
00:27:43,244 --> 00:27:44,162
[audience laughing]

637
00:27:44,245 --> 00:27:46,247
You doing laps in a Jacuzzi?
No, you fucking…

638
00:27:46,331 --> 00:27:48,208
[audience laughing]

639
00:27:48,291 --> 00:27:50,585
Sit back, relax, smoke a joint, right?

640
00:27:51,086 --> 00:27:53,838
Sit with a jet shooting up your ass,
but you don't tell anybody.

641
00:27:53,922 --> 00:27:55,590
That's gay if they know, right?

642
00:27:55,674 --> 00:27:57,676
[audience laughing]

643
00:28:03,181 --> 00:28:06,643
I go, "Why the fuck don't they swim well?"
He goes, "It could just be who you are."

644
00:28:06,726 --> 00:28:07,560
Huh?

645
00:28:07,644 --> 00:28:09,187
[audience laughing]

646
00:28:09,270 --> 00:28:12,232
He goes, "It could also be you've been
taking hair pills for 15 years."

647
00:28:12,315 --> 00:28:13,274
I go, "What?"

648
00:28:13,358 --> 00:28:16,319
He goes, "Yeah, the main effect
of hair pills is you don't lose your hair,

649
00:28:16,403 --> 00:28:19,155
but one of the side effects is
it stops your sperm from swimming."

650
00:28:19,239 --> 00:28:22,617
"So you have a full head of hair,
but you can't get women pregnant."

651
00:28:23,952 --> 00:28:25,286
I said, "Hold the fuck on."

652
00:28:26,204 --> 00:28:29,165
"Nobody told me hair pills
actually make you perfect."

653
00:28:29,249 --> 00:28:31,793
[audience laughing]

654
00:28:34,963 --> 00:28:37,173
"You're telling me
there's a pill men can take

655
00:28:37,257 --> 00:28:39,676
where we can cum
in any woman that will allow us,

656
00:28:40,218 --> 00:28:41,261
not get them pregnant,

657
00:28:41,344 --> 00:28:44,848
and the side effect is
our hair looks incredible? Is that…"

658
00:28:44,931 --> 00:28:46,266
[audience laughing]

659
00:28:46,349 --> 00:28:49,352
"That's not hair pills. That's limitless.
You're marketing this wrong, Doc."

660
00:28:49,436 --> 00:28:50,854
[audience laughing]

661
00:28:50,937 --> 00:28:54,607
I tell my wife, "Fuck the hair pills.
Fuck my hair. Let's have this baby."

662
00:28:54,691 --> 00:28:57,026
My wife goes,
"Let's look at all the options."

663
00:28:57,110 --> 00:28:59,028
[audience laughing]

664
00:28:59,112 --> 00:29:01,197
That hurt. I'm not gonna lie. That hurt.

665
00:29:01,281 --> 00:29:03,992
I get it a little bit, 'cause my ears
are big, and my nose is big,

666
00:29:04,075 --> 00:29:06,286
and without hair,
I'd look like a banker at Gringotts.

667
00:29:06,369 --> 00:29:07,245
But it still hurt.

668
00:29:07,328 --> 00:29:09,164
[audience laughing]

669
00:29:10,331 --> 00:29:13,001
I go to the doctor.
I go, "Okay, Doc. What can we do?"

670
00:29:13,668 --> 00:29:16,296
Doctor goes, "I think you guys
should try an IUI."

671
00:29:17,297 --> 00:29:18,465
I go, "What's that?"

672
00:29:19,132 --> 00:29:21,760
He goes, "Intrauterine insemination."

673
00:29:22,260 --> 00:29:24,137
I go, "Doc, I went to public school."

674
00:29:24,220 --> 00:29:25,889
[audience laughing]

675
00:29:25,972 --> 00:29:29,225
"But I'm pretty sure that's exactly
what the fuck I've been doing."

676
00:29:29,309 --> 00:29:31,186
[audience laughing]

677
00:29:31,269 --> 00:29:32,395
"I'm intra the uterus,

678
00:29:32,479 --> 00:29:35,273
and I'm semening that thing
as much as I possibly can."

679
00:29:35,356 --> 00:29:38,276
"I've been turning my wife into a cannoli
the last six months."

680
00:29:38,359 --> 00:29:40,320
[audience laughing]

681
00:29:44,824 --> 00:29:47,410
Doctor goes, "No, no, no, no, no.
An IUI is this."

682
00:29:47,494 --> 00:29:50,205
This is what he says to me verbatim.
I'm not changing any words.

683
00:29:50,288 --> 00:29:52,582
He goes, "When your wife
is at peak ovulation,

684
00:29:52,665 --> 00:29:54,042
you both come to the hospital."

685
00:29:54,125 --> 00:29:56,503
"Your wife goes in one room,
you go in another room."

686
00:29:56,586 --> 00:29:59,422
"You masturbate in your room,
I come collect your sample."

687
00:29:59,506 --> 00:30:01,341
"Then I'll go in the room with your wife."

688
00:30:01,841 --> 00:30:04,385
[audience laughing]

689
00:30:04,469 --> 00:30:06,471
"And I'll put that sample in your wife."

690
00:30:07,472 --> 00:30:09,265
"The fuck you just say to me?"

691
00:30:09,349 --> 00:30:11,184
[audience laughing]

692
00:30:11,267 --> 00:30:12,602
"Say what you just said again."

693
00:30:12,685 --> 00:30:15,480
"I must've heard something different
come outta your fucking face."

694
00:30:15,980 --> 00:30:18,733
"It sounded like, 'You jerk off.
I'll take it from here, little guy.'"

695
00:30:18,817 --> 00:30:20,360
"That's what it fucking sounded like."

696
00:30:20,443 --> 00:30:22,153
[audience laughing]

697
00:30:22,237 --> 00:30:24,280
"I don't need you
to DoorDash the cum into my wife."

698
00:30:24,364 --> 00:30:26,908
-"I'll deliver it just fine, thank you."
-[audience laughing]

699
00:30:26,991 --> 00:30:30,370
"Want me to sit in the corner like a cuck
while you put the cum in my wife?"

700
00:30:30,453 --> 00:30:31,287
[audience laughing]

701
00:30:31,371 --> 00:30:33,832
"What do I tell my kid when they're like,
'How did I get here?'"

702
00:30:33,915 --> 00:30:36,251
"'Well, me, your mom, and a friend…
[chuckles]

703
00:30:36,334 --> 00:30:37,961
[audience laughing]

704
00:30:38,545 --> 00:30:40,463
…had a Diddy party.' You know?"

705
00:30:40,547 --> 00:30:42,715
[audience laughing]

706
00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:49,848
Here's the thing.

707
00:30:49,931 --> 00:30:51,724
We try the IUI.

708
00:30:52,225 --> 00:30:53,268
Doesn't work.

709
00:30:53,852 --> 00:30:55,478
Natural didn't work.

710
00:30:55,562 --> 00:30:57,021
Cock didn't work.

711
00:30:57,105 --> 00:30:58,857
[audience laughs]

712
00:30:58,940 --> 00:31:01,025
Go back to the doctor.
"What you got left?"

713
00:31:01,109 --> 00:31:02,861
He goes, "There's one more option."

714
00:31:03,361 --> 00:31:06,489
"It's called IVF."
Okay, you guys have heard of IVF, yeah?

715
00:31:07,031 --> 00:31:10,159
Most have heard of it. They don't know
what it is. It's Jurassic Park.

716
00:31:10,243 --> 00:31:11,244
That's all it is.

717
00:31:11,828 --> 00:31:14,205
Take the sperm from the dude,
the eggs from the chick.

718
00:31:14,289 --> 00:31:17,584
You send it to a lab with thousands
of other people's sperm and eggs,

719
00:31:17,667 --> 00:31:19,919
hope they read the labels,
and that's it, right?

720
00:31:20,003 --> 00:31:20,879
[audience laughing]

721
00:31:20,962 --> 00:31:22,422
So you can see why I was concerned

722
00:31:22,505 --> 00:31:24,716
when a fucking Puerto Rican
came out of my wife.

723
00:31:24,799 --> 00:31:26,175
[audience laughing]

724
00:31:26,259 --> 00:31:28,219
"I knew this would happen.
My handwriting is shit."

725
00:31:28,303 --> 00:31:31,097
They're like," I can't read it.
Get me a Hector. That will knock her up."

726
00:31:31,180 --> 00:31:34,142
-"Get me a Hector right now."
-[audience laughing]

727
00:31:36,352 --> 00:31:39,314
Now, IVF, very hard for the woman, okay?

728
00:31:39,397 --> 00:31:42,650
Very expensive for the man.
I don't think we talk about that enough.

729
00:31:42,734 --> 00:31:43,860
Uh…

730
00:31:43,943 --> 00:31:46,654
The financial trauma associated with it.

731
00:31:46,738 --> 00:31:48,781
$30,000 for a kid.

732
00:31:49,532 --> 00:31:51,743
Yeah, I started
looking up human trafficking.

733
00:31:51,826 --> 00:31:53,661
-Just to see.
-[audience laughing]

734
00:31:53,745 --> 00:31:56,039
I'm a capitalist. I'm a free-market guy.

735
00:31:56,623 --> 00:31:59,208
Turns out you can get
a brand-new Brazilian for $1,000.

736
00:31:59,292 --> 00:32:01,044
-That's a new thing.
-[audience laughing]

737
00:32:01,127 --> 00:32:02,754
Amazon Prime from the Amazon.

738
00:32:02,837 --> 00:32:05,214
-It don't get more Amazon than that.
-[audience laughing]

739
00:32:05,298 --> 00:32:08,968
They yank them out of an açai bush.
They're on your doorstep by the afternoon.

740
00:32:09,469 --> 00:32:11,930
I put them in the taquito machine.
I got a white kid for dinner.

741
00:32:12,013 --> 00:32:13,681
I had the whole thing mapped out.

742
00:32:13,765 --> 00:32:15,350
[audience laughing]

743
00:32:18,728 --> 00:32:21,105
In America, pretty sure
we're the only country that does this,

744
00:32:21,189 --> 00:32:23,066
there are some advantages with IVF.

745
00:32:23,149 --> 00:32:25,944
Because you fertilize the eggs
outside the body,

746
00:32:26,027 --> 00:32:29,447
you know what gender the embryo is
before you implant it.

747
00:32:29,530 --> 00:32:33,534
So technically, you could choose
the gender of your baby, right?

748
00:32:33,618 --> 00:32:35,453
It's pretty fucking cool, huh?

749
00:32:35,536 --> 00:32:38,748
I told my wife, "Listen,
if you wanna choose the gender,

750
00:32:38,831 --> 00:32:40,291
we can choose the gender, okay?"

751
00:32:40,375 --> 00:32:42,752
"I'm just letting you know now,
whatever we choose,

752
00:32:43,252 --> 00:32:45,004
it's gonna stay that one."

753
00:32:45,088 --> 00:32:45,922
Uh…

754
00:32:46,005 --> 00:32:47,382
[audience laughing]

755
00:32:47,465 --> 00:32:50,301
Yeah. They're not coming back here
15 years later,

756
00:32:50,385 --> 00:32:53,805
"I identify as…" I got paperwork.
I don't give a fuck what you identify as.

757
00:32:54,389 --> 00:32:57,392
I spent 30 grand on a boy.
I'm getting a fucking boy, okay?

758
00:32:57,475 --> 00:32:58,643
[audience laughing]

759
00:32:58,726 --> 00:33:01,813
You wanna be a girl, you owe me 30 grand.
I raised you better than that.

760
00:33:01,896 --> 00:33:03,398
You're not gonna steal from me.

761
00:33:03,898 --> 00:33:06,025
I'll let you buy your freedom
for 30 grand.

762
00:33:06,526 --> 00:33:09,070
You better go out there,
get a fucking job.

763
00:33:09,570 --> 00:33:12,281
I recommend getting a job as a man
'cause women make 25% less.

764
00:33:12,365 --> 00:33:15,702
But listen, this is the life you're
signing up for. I hope you're ready.

765
00:33:15,785 --> 00:33:17,495
[scattered applause]

766
00:33:19,580 --> 00:33:22,291
Now, IVF is very hard for the woman

767
00:33:22,375 --> 00:33:24,502
because you basically
gotta trick the female body

768
00:33:24,585 --> 00:33:27,255
into making way more eggs
than they normally make.

769
00:33:27,338 --> 00:33:29,674
Women make how many eggs a month, miss?

770
00:33:31,300 --> 00:33:33,761
Somebody said, "17."
She said, "I don't know."

771
00:33:33,845 --> 00:33:36,055
Uh, it's one egg a month, right?

772
00:33:36,139 --> 00:33:36,973
[audience laughing]

773
00:33:37,056 --> 00:33:39,851
And this is why mansplaining exists. So…

774
00:33:39,934 --> 00:33:40,893
[audience laughing]

775
00:33:40,977 --> 00:33:43,938
'Cause if we didn't tell you things,
you wouldn't know anything.

776
00:33:44,439 --> 00:33:45,565
You'd be sitting around.

777
00:33:45,648 --> 00:33:48,192
Like, "I should make a pie
and put it on a windowsill."

778
00:33:48,276 --> 00:33:51,529
[audience laughing]

779
00:33:51,612 --> 00:33:53,823
So you make one egg a month.

780
00:33:53,906 --> 00:33:57,952
And when that egg does not become a baby,
it becomes your period.

781
00:34:00,079 --> 00:34:02,290
That's that blood
that comes out of you every month.

782
00:34:02,373 --> 00:34:04,584
Good. Okay. Just making sure. Okay.

783
00:34:05,376 --> 00:34:09,047
With IVF, you gotta trick the female body
into making not one egg a month,

784
00:34:09,130 --> 00:34:10,506
like 20 or 30.

785
00:34:10,590 --> 00:34:11,716
How do you do that?

786
00:34:11,799 --> 00:34:13,051
[woman] Shots.

787
00:34:13,134 --> 00:34:15,803
Shots, or you could take them
to NBA All-Star Weekend.

788
00:34:15,887 --> 00:34:17,305
[audience laughing]

789
00:34:17,388 --> 00:34:21,017
Bro, you get these chicks
around max-contract players,

790
00:34:21,100 --> 00:34:23,436
it's a fucking Pez dispenser
down there, right?

791
00:34:23,519 --> 00:34:25,396
[audience laughing]

792
00:34:25,480 --> 00:34:27,440
No, you're right. Shots, 100%.

793
00:34:27,523 --> 00:34:30,109
You basically gotta shoot the women up
with the female hormones,

794
00:34:30,193 --> 00:34:31,360
estrogen and progesterone.

795
00:34:31,444 --> 00:34:33,112
You wanna increase those levels.

796
00:34:33,196 --> 00:34:35,448
Those are that hormones
that make women women, right?

797
00:34:35,531 --> 00:34:37,158
Testosterone is what makes men men.

798
00:34:37,241 --> 00:34:39,744
So every morning, I inject my wife.
Every evening, I inject her.

799
00:34:39,827 --> 00:34:42,038
Every morning, I inject her.
Every evening, I inject her.

800
00:34:42,121 --> 00:34:43,873
And I'm sure this is a coincidence,

801
00:34:44,415 --> 00:34:46,959
but the more woman juice
I would inject in my wife…

802
00:34:49,337 --> 00:34:50,713
[audience laughs]

803
00:34:50,797 --> 00:34:53,758
What do you think happened
to her demeanor? If you could guess.

804
00:34:53,841 --> 00:34:54,675
[audience laughing]

805
00:34:54,759 --> 00:34:57,178
You think she became real logical, or…

806
00:34:57,261 --> 00:34:58,930
[audience and Andrew laugh]

807
00:34:59,013 --> 00:35:02,100
"Oh my God, you're so good at parking
all of a sudden. How'd you get so good?"

808
00:35:02,183 --> 00:35:03,142
[audience laughing]

809
00:35:03,226 --> 00:35:05,561
You could think she went
batshit fucking crazy.

810
00:35:06,395 --> 00:35:08,523
Option C, cunt. Uh…

811
00:35:08,606 --> 00:35:10,358
[audience laughing]

812
00:35:10,441 --> 00:35:12,860
Thank God I had
some testosterone left over.

813
00:35:12,944 --> 00:35:16,489
So many times she got a little too wild.
Bang, I just hit her with the T.

814
00:35:16,989 --> 00:35:19,534
Not enough to box for Algeria
in the Olympics.

815
00:35:19,617 --> 00:35:22,245
-Just enough to calm her down.
-[surprised reactions]

816
00:35:22,328 --> 00:35:24,413
[scattered applause]

817
00:35:25,414 --> 00:35:27,458
Just enough to calm her down.

818
00:35:27,959 --> 00:35:29,836
"Where the fuck were you last night?"
[whoosh]

819
00:35:29,919 --> 00:35:32,088
-"Oh my God!"
-[audience laughing]

820
00:35:32,171 --> 00:35:34,465
"I feel so rational."

821
00:35:34,549 --> 00:35:36,384
[audience laughing]

822
00:35:36,467 --> 00:35:39,512
"Do you wanna hear a story
with no unnecessary details?"

823
00:35:39,595 --> 00:35:40,847
[audience laughing]

824
00:35:40,930 --> 00:35:42,390
"I was wrong."

825
00:35:42,473 --> 00:35:45,184
[audience laughing]

826
00:35:47,645 --> 00:35:49,522
Anyway, do that for a few weeks.

827
00:35:49,605 --> 00:35:51,440
Then you do what's called the retrieval,

828
00:35:51,524 --> 00:35:54,277
where they basically stick
this vacuum tube up inside your wife,

829
00:35:54,360 --> 00:35:56,279
pop open an ovary, suck all the eggs out.

830
00:35:56,362 --> 00:35:58,739
We did ours on Easter.
Easter egg hunt. Kinda fire.

831
00:35:58,823 --> 00:36:01,033
-Uh…
-[audience laughing]

832
00:36:01,117 --> 00:36:04,328
And the only thing the dude has to do
for the whole IVF experience

833
00:36:04,412 --> 00:36:06,831
is we just gotta jerk off.
That's the only thing.

834
00:36:07,623 --> 00:36:10,626
A doctor calls you
to schedule your jerk-off.

835
00:36:11,252 --> 00:36:14,630
That was one of the most
magnificent moments in my life.

836
00:36:15,423 --> 00:36:18,134
A medical professional
called my cell phone

837
00:36:18,217 --> 00:36:19,844
and said, "Mr. Schulz,

838
00:36:20,386 --> 00:36:21,470
we need the nut."

839
00:36:21,554 --> 00:36:23,222
[audience laughing]

840
00:36:23,306 --> 00:36:25,308
And I was like,
"Where do you want it, Doc?"

841
00:36:25,391 --> 00:36:26,809
[audience and Andrew laugh]

842
00:36:26,893 --> 00:36:28,769
"I don't wanna play this game."
I go, "Fair."

843
00:36:28,853 --> 00:36:31,189
"That is a completely fair reaction."

844
00:36:31,272 --> 00:36:33,691
[audience laughing]

845
00:36:33,774 --> 00:36:36,485
He goes, "We have an appointment
on the hour every hour

846
00:36:36,569 --> 00:36:38,821
from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m."

847
00:36:38,905 --> 00:36:40,740
"What time would you like?"

848
00:36:40,823 --> 00:36:42,158
What time would you pick?

849
00:36:42,241 --> 00:36:44,118
-[man] Two.
-2:00 p.m.

850
00:36:44,202 --> 00:36:47,163
[scattered laughter]

851
00:36:47,246 --> 00:36:48,831
This guy's nasty, bro.

852
00:36:48,915 --> 00:36:49,916
[audience laughing]

853
00:36:49,999 --> 00:36:52,960
2:00 p.m. You walk in,
the floor's a fly trap. Just…

854
00:36:53,044 --> 00:36:55,796
[imitates squishing]

855
00:36:55,880 --> 00:36:58,466
There's cum graffitied all over the walls.

856
00:36:58,549 --> 00:37:00,843
Stalagmites dripping from the ceiling.

857
00:37:01,344 --> 00:37:03,763
The seat is sweaty. 2:00 p.m.?

858
00:37:03,846 --> 00:37:06,974
He's still smiling and happy about it.
This is disgusting.

859
00:37:07,850 --> 00:37:10,436
You don't even need lube.
You're just like… [makes phlegmy noise]

860
00:37:10,519 --> 00:37:12,647
[surprised laughter]

861
00:37:12,730 --> 00:37:15,149
[Andrew laughing]

862
00:37:17,360 --> 00:37:19,070
I'm not like you. I said 8:00 a.m.

863
00:37:19,779 --> 00:37:21,948
First appointment, turn the AC down low.

864
00:37:22,031 --> 00:37:24,075
I'm making that a Peloton class, right?

865
00:37:24,158 --> 00:37:26,077
[audience laughing]

866
00:37:26,160 --> 00:37:28,913
Now, tell me if I'm wrong to assume this.

867
00:37:28,996 --> 00:37:31,040
I assume, since I have an appointment

868
00:37:31,123 --> 00:37:34,168
for a time this specific
and an act this intimate,

869
00:37:34,252 --> 00:37:36,921
that I'm gonna be the only one scheduled.
Is that a fair assumption?

870
00:37:38,339 --> 00:37:41,759
Pretty fair. You wouldn't want there
to be two people in the waiting room.

871
00:37:41,842 --> 00:37:43,302
[audience laughs]

872
00:37:43,386 --> 00:37:45,304
Right? That might be
an awkward environment.

873
00:37:45,388 --> 00:37:48,391
Both of us trying to avoid eye contact
and warming our hands.

874
00:37:48,474 --> 00:37:51,060
[audience laughing]

875
00:37:51,143 --> 00:37:53,980
I show up at 7:58 a.m.

876
00:37:56,232 --> 00:37:58,150
There are 25 guys in the waiting room.

877
00:37:58,234 --> 00:37:59,485
[audience laughing]

878
00:37:59,568 --> 00:38:02,655
And every one of them thought
they were gonna be the only one there.

879
00:38:02,738 --> 00:38:04,949
And I know that 'cause one guy's
charging a Fleshlight

880
00:38:05,032 --> 00:38:06,742
in the middle of the fucking waiting room.

881
00:38:06,826 --> 00:38:07,994
[audience laughing]

882
00:38:08,077 --> 00:38:10,705
USB charger in the wall,
Fleshlight blinking.

883
00:38:11,205 --> 00:38:13,916
I thought it was a hookah.
I thought we were gonna smoke and relax.

884
00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:14,834
[audience laughing]

885
00:38:14,917 --> 00:38:17,920
One dude brought
a small Asian woman. Genius.

886
00:38:18,004 --> 00:38:19,839
[audience laughing]

887
00:38:19,922 --> 00:38:23,342
I didn't even know that was legal
to bring a wringer, a professional.

888
00:38:23,426 --> 00:38:24,802
[audience laughing]

889
00:38:24,885 --> 00:38:27,722
Now, to be fair, it was his wife,
but I didn't know that.

890
00:38:28,306 --> 00:38:30,516
I didn't know that
when I tried to go Dutch.

891
00:38:30,599 --> 00:38:33,144
"Let me get the left hand
for five minutes, my boy."

892
00:38:33,644 --> 00:38:37,648
"Just give me the nondominant. I just
need five minutes with that nondominant."

893
00:38:37,732 --> 00:38:39,984
[audience laughing]

894
00:38:42,153 --> 00:38:43,946
The mood in the waiting room,

895
00:38:44,655 --> 00:38:45,489
somber.

896
00:38:45,573 --> 00:38:46,699
[audience laughs]

897
00:38:46,782 --> 00:38:49,118
It's halftime. We're down 40. It's bad.

898
00:38:49,201 --> 00:38:50,328
[audience laughing]

899
00:38:50,411 --> 00:38:52,830
Okay, everybody got their head
between their legs.

900
00:38:52,913 --> 00:38:55,249
Nurse walks in. Same meatball nurse.

901
00:38:56,042 --> 00:38:57,710
Calls my name. I walk up.

902
00:38:57,793 --> 00:38:59,503
He sees me ten feet away.

903
00:38:59,587 --> 00:39:01,422
He goes, "Schulzy!"

904
00:39:01,505 --> 00:39:02,923
[audience laughing]

905
00:39:03,007 --> 00:39:04,925
"Here to drop off the Tyrones?"

906
00:39:05,009 --> 00:39:06,844
[audience laughing]

907
00:39:06,927 --> 00:39:08,846
I go, "The Tyrones?"

908
00:39:08,929 --> 00:39:11,015
He goes, "Yeah, they can't swim."
[chuckles]

909
00:39:11,098 --> 00:39:14,310
-[audience laughing]
-[scattered applause]

910
00:39:18,064 --> 00:39:20,149
This guy's two for two in my book, okay?

911
00:39:20,775 --> 00:39:23,027
Each one melts my soul,
but he's two for two.

912
00:39:23,110 --> 00:39:24,528
[audience laughs]

913
00:39:24,612 --> 00:39:27,114
He goes, "Don't worry, Schulzy.
All you need is one."

914
00:39:27,198 --> 00:39:30,076
Hands me this clear plastic bag
with all the jerk-off paraphernalia.

915
00:39:30,159 --> 00:39:32,286
It's got a cup,
some cream, some paperwork.

916
00:39:32,828 --> 00:39:34,789
Points me in the direction
of the jerk-off room,

917
00:39:34,872 --> 00:39:36,791
which I assume
is right next to the waiting room.

918
00:39:36,874 --> 00:39:38,709
No. Other side of the hospital.

919
00:39:39,418 --> 00:39:43,172
I gotta walk through the whole hospital
with a clear beat-off bag.

920
00:39:43,255 --> 00:39:44,465
[audience laughing]

921
00:39:44,548 --> 00:39:47,843
People are looking at me like I'm Cersei
walking through King's Landing.

922
00:39:48,344 --> 00:39:52,056
"Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame!"

923
00:39:52,890 --> 00:39:55,393
I'm feeling so uncomfortable,
I start jogging.

924
00:39:55,476 --> 00:39:56,602
[audience laughing]

925
00:39:56,685 --> 00:39:59,814
Now I just look really excited
to whack off at the hospital.

926
00:39:59,897 --> 00:40:01,690
[audience laughing]

927
00:40:03,025 --> 00:40:05,319
I finally get to my room.
The room is small.

928
00:40:05,403 --> 00:40:08,155
It's from this speaker right here
to this speaker right here.

929
00:40:08,239 --> 00:40:10,866
I walk in. First thing I notice, no TV.

930
00:40:10,950 --> 00:40:11,826
Concerned.

931
00:40:11,909 --> 00:40:13,244
[audience laughing]

932
00:40:13,327 --> 00:40:14,912
I start looking for magazines.

933
00:40:14,995 --> 00:40:17,665
No magazines. More concerned.

934
00:40:18,582 --> 00:40:21,043
I take out my cell phone. No service.

935
00:40:21,127 --> 00:40:22,545
[audience laughing]

936
00:40:22,628 --> 00:40:23,671
I am panicking.

937
00:40:24,505 --> 00:40:27,133
I haven't jerked off acoustic
in two decades.

938
00:40:27,216 --> 00:40:29,635
[audience laughing]

939
00:40:29,718 --> 00:40:32,805
You want me to go unplugged
at a moment like this?

940
00:40:33,389 --> 00:40:36,308
Jerk off to memories,
like a serial killer?

941
00:40:36,392 --> 00:40:37,351
[audience laughing]

942
00:40:37,435 --> 00:40:40,271
Close my eyes and think of 2010.

943
00:40:40,354 --> 00:40:42,189
No fucking way, José.

944
00:40:42,940 --> 00:40:45,943
I'm looking for a crack in the drywall.
I'm about to Shawshank this nut out.

945
00:40:46,026 --> 00:40:48,863
I'm going balls deep, Andy Dufresne.

946
00:40:48,946 --> 00:40:50,906
[audience laughing]

947
00:40:50,990 --> 00:40:53,117
I can't exactly walk
back to the waiting room

948
00:40:53,200 --> 00:40:55,035
and be like, "Who got the Wi-Fi?"

949
00:40:55,119 --> 00:40:57,163
[audience laughing]

950
00:40:57,246 --> 00:40:59,457
"Let me warm up
that Fleshy for you, my boy."

951
00:40:59,540 --> 00:41:01,959
[audience laughing]

952
00:41:03,461 --> 00:41:05,504
I'm panicking
'cause if I don't get this nut out,

953
00:41:05,588 --> 00:41:06,839
we can't fertilize the eggs,

954
00:41:06,922 --> 00:41:09,717
I fail my wife, and all I had to do
was fucking jerk off.

955
00:41:10,217 --> 00:41:13,471
Now there is a window in the room
that's covered, obviously.

956
00:41:13,554 --> 00:41:16,849
All of a sudden, the window slides
open from the outside.

957
00:41:16,932 --> 00:41:18,100
On the outside,

958
00:41:18,184 --> 00:41:21,770
fine-ass Latina nurse
starts telling me what to do.

959
00:41:21,854 --> 00:41:24,482
[Latin American accent]
"Sir, you have to fill out the paperwork."

960
00:41:24,565 --> 00:41:26,108
[audience laughing]

961
00:41:26,942 --> 00:41:29,028
[audience continues laughing]

962
00:41:29,111 --> 00:41:30,905
[scattered applause]

963
00:41:30,988 --> 00:41:32,907
[normal voice]
I start jerking off immediately.

964
00:41:32,990 --> 00:41:34,116
[audience laughing]

965
00:41:34,200 --> 00:41:36,911
I'm like, "This gotta be part
of the 30 grand for IVF!"

966
00:41:36,994 --> 00:41:39,288
-[audience laughing]
-I'm role-playing with her.

967
00:41:39,371 --> 00:41:41,248
[Latin American accent]
"Fill out the paperwork."

968
00:41:41,332 --> 00:41:44,376
[normal voice] "I'll fill out your
green card, Esmeralda. Whatever you need!"

969
00:41:44,877 --> 00:41:46,837
"We gonna make
two American citizens today."

970
00:41:46,921 --> 00:41:48,130
"I'm feeling generous."

971
00:41:48,214 --> 00:41:50,216
[audience laughing]

972
00:41:53,677 --> 00:41:56,305
Turns out she's a real nurse.
She works for the hospital.

973
00:41:56,805 --> 00:42:00,017
[Latin American accent]
"Sir, now is not the time to masturbate."

974
00:42:00,100 --> 00:42:02,770
[audience laughing]

975
00:42:05,523 --> 00:42:07,691
"Now is the time
to fill out the paperwork."

976
00:42:07,775 --> 00:42:08,984
[audience laughing]

977
00:42:09,068 --> 00:42:13,280
"When you finish fill out the paperwork,
then you masturbate into the cup."

978
00:42:13,364 --> 00:42:15,366
[audience laughing]

979
00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:19,119
"If you need the 'loop',
you can use the 'loop.'"

980
00:42:19,203 --> 00:42:20,788
[audience laughing]

981
00:42:20,871 --> 00:42:22,498
[normal voice] I go, "The loop?"

982
00:42:23,082 --> 00:42:25,334
She goes…
[Latin American accent] "The 'yelly.'"

983
00:42:25,834 --> 00:42:28,420
[audience laughing]

984
00:42:31,590 --> 00:42:34,969
"You can use the 'loop' or the 'yelly'
to masturbate into the cup."

985
00:42:35,052 --> 00:42:36,178
[audience laughing]

986
00:42:36,262 --> 00:42:38,389
[normal voice] Then she said this.
This fucked me up.

987
00:42:38,472 --> 00:42:40,558
[Latin American accent]
"But do not use saliva."

988
00:42:40,641 --> 00:42:41,642
[audience laughing]

989
00:42:41,725 --> 00:42:43,561
[normal voice] I go, "Whose saliva?"

990
00:42:44,186 --> 00:42:46,105
[Latin American accent] "Your saliva."

991
00:42:46,730 --> 00:42:49,191
[normal voice] "I'm not jerking off
with my saliva. That's gay."

992
00:42:49,275 --> 00:42:52,236
"Even though it's not, but it is."
You can't be jerking off…

993
00:42:52,319 --> 00:42:56,824
-[imitating spitting]
-[audience laughing]

994
00:42:56,907 --> 00:42:59,201
Like some fucking infinity pool.
That's unhealthy.

995
00:42:59,285 --> 00:43:00,202
[audience laughing]

996
00:43:00,286 --> 00:43:02,788
What if somebody videotapes that shit,
puts it in reverse,

997
00:43:02,871 --> 00:43:04,498
and now I'm just… [imitating spitting]

998
00:43:04,582 --> 00:43:06,834
[audience laughing and applauding]

999
00:43:06,917 --> 00:43:09,003
That's a fucking liability!
What would the street say?

1000
00:43:09,086 --> 00:43:10,546
What would the street say?

1001
00:43:10,629 --> 00:43:12,840
[audience laughing]

1002
00:43:17,595 --> 00:43:19,680
I go, "I'm not using
my own saliva, Esmeralda."

1003
00:43:19,763 --> 00:43:22,057
[Latin American accent]
"Okay, pero don't do it."

1004
00:43:22,141 --> 00:43:23,017
[audience laughing]

1005
00:43:23,100 --> 00:43:25,686
"When you finish
masturbating into the cup…"

1006
00:43:25,769 --> 00:43:28,689
[audience laughing]

1007
00:43:28,772 --> 00:43:31,734
"…knock twice on the window.
I come collect the cup."

1008
00:43:32,484 --> 00:43:34,445
[normal voice]
I go, "Okay." She closes the window.

1009
00:43:34,528 --> 00:43:36,864
I throw so much "loop" and "yelly"
on my hands.

1010
00:43:37,531 --> 00:43:38,866
I look like I fisted a donkey.

1011
00:43:38,949 --> 00:43:41,368
I'm dripping to the wrists
in "loop" and "yelly."

1012
00:43:42,286 --> 00:43:45,539
I start whacking off.
I'm inventing masturbation techniques.

1013
00:43:45,623 --> 00:43:47,499
I'm doing Mr. Miyagi.

1014
00:43:47,583 --> 00:43:48,626
[audience laughing]

1015
00:43:48,709 --> 00:43:50,127
Octopus.

1016
00:43:50,669 --> 00:43:53,339
Banging my dick
on random shit in the room.

1017
00:43:53,422 --> 00:43:54,423
[audience laughing]

1018
00:43:54,506 --> 00:43:56,467
Anything I can to get this nut out.

1019
00:43:57,426 --> 00:44:00,512
By some miracle, I get to the point
where I'm about to bust.

1020
00:44:00,596 --> 00:44:01,847
I go to open the cup.

1021
00:44:02,348 --> 00:44:03,932
The cup has a childproof.

1022
00:44:04,016 --> 00:44:06,602
[audience laughing]

1023
00:44:06,685 --> 00:44:09,396
I have so much "loop" and "yelly"
on my hands.

1024
00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:10,773
[audience laughing]

1025
00:44:10,856 --> 00:44:13,400
I can't create enough
down pressure and twist

1026
00:44:14,068 --> 00:44:16,320
to get the childproof nut cup open.

1027
00:44:16,403 --> 00:44:18,906
I'm already fucking here
'cause I'm childproof.

1028
00:44:18,989 --> 00:44:21,200
We don't need more childproof
for the childproof.

1029
00:44:21,283 --> 00:44:24,036
-[audience laughing]
-[scattered applause]

1030
00:44:24,119 --> 00:44:27,331
I try to bite the top of the cup off.
I can't get it off.

1031
00:44:27,414 --> 00:44:28,999
Now I have "loop" and "yelly"

1032
00:44:29,792 --> 00:44:31,585
all over my lips and cheek.

1033
00:44:31,669 --> 00:44:32,586
[audience laughing]

1034
00:44:32,670 --> 00:44:35,839
I look like a golden retriever
playing with a tennis ball. I'm sick.

1035
00:44:35,923 --> 00:44:38,717
[audience laughing]

1036
00:44:38,801 --> 00:44:39,635
I'm freaking out.

1037
00:44:39,718 --> 00:44:42,888
If I can't get this nut out, we can't
fertilize the eggs. I fail my wife.

1038
00:44:42,971 --> 00:44:44,973
In this moment of panic,
I feel like my only recourse

1039
00:44:45,057 --> 00:44:46,684
is to knock twice on the window,

1040
00:44:47,601 --> 00:44:50,854
ask the fine-ass Latina nurse
if she would open the cum cup for me.

1041
00:44:51,397 --> 00:44:53,774
So out of respect,
I move my dick to the side.

1042
00:44:54,650 --> 00:44:57,277
I don't want her to slide open the window,
see my dick,

1043
00:44:57,361 --> 00:45:01,407
dive through, start sucking immediately.
Obviously, you know what she wants to do.

1044
00:45:01,490 --> 00:45:04,118
[Latin American accent]
"I'm hungry! Give it to me!"

1045
00:45:04,201 --> 00:45:06,203
[audience laughing]

1046
00:45:07,496 --> 00:45:10,207
[normal voice] Out of respect for my wife,
I move my dick to the side.

1047
00:45:10,708 --> 00:45:12,292
Knock twice on the window.

1048
00:45:12,376 --> 00:45:14,336
Fine-ass Latina nurse walks up.

1049
00:45:14,837 --> 00:45:18,549
Slides open the window
to see a man at an awkward angle…

1050
00:45:18,632 --> 00:45:19,633
[audience laughing]

1051
00:45:19,717 --> 00:45:21,719
…holding a cup that's never been opened…

1052
00:45:21,802 --> 00:45:22,761
[audience laughing]

1053
00:45:22,845 --> 00:45:25,889
…with a clear liquid shellacked
all over his lips and cheek.

1054
00:45:25,973 --> 00:45:27,975
[audience laughing]

1055
00:45:28,058 --> 00:45:29,059
And she just goes…

1056
00:45:29,143 --> 00:45:32,187
[Latin American accent]
"Oh my God. It's impossible."

1057
00:45:32,271 --> 00:45:34,356
[audience laughing]

1058
00:45:34,440 --> 00:45:37,443
"Que no, que no, que no, it's impossible."

1059
00:45:37,526 --> 00:45:40,195
"I told you, masturbate into the cup!"

1060
00:45:40,279 --> 00:45:42,239
[audience laughing]

1061
00:45:42,322 --> 00:45:44,616
"We cannot collect it from your estomach."

1062
00:45:44,700 --> 00:45:46,285
[audience laughing]

1063
00:45:46,368 --> 00:45:49,955
[normal voice] At this point, I realized
she thinks I sucked my own dick

1064
00:45:50,831 --> 00:45:53,041
inside the sperm-retrieval facility.

1065
00:45:53,125 --> 00:45:54,209
[audience laughing]

1066
00:45:54,293 --> 00:45:57,337
Like some practical joke I'm playing
on fertility clinics.

1067
00:45:57,421 --> 00:45:58,964
-"Ta-da!"
-[audience laughing]

1068
00:45:59,047 --> 00:46:02,176
"Not going in my wife's belly.
It's already in mine. Too late."

1069
00:46:03,093 --> 00:46:05,471
It's the most embarrassing moment
of my life.

1070
00:46:05,554 --> 00:46:08,265
Keep in mind,
I still need to provide a sample.

1071
00:46:08,348 --> 00:46:10,642
I'm begging her,
"Please. No, it's not what you think."

1072
00:46:10,726 --> 00:46:12,686
"It's the 'loop' and 'yelly.'
I couldn't open…"

1073
00:46:13,479 --> 00:46:15,606
She doesn't believe me,
opens the cup begrudgingly,

1074
00:46:15,689 --> 00:46:17,566
slams it down, closes the window.

1075
00:46:17,649 --> 00:46:19,318
I start trying to jerk off again.

1076
00:46:19,985 --> 00:46:22,488
All of a sudden,
I can hear her through the window,

1077
00:46:23,238 --> 00:46:24,740
telling the whole hospital…

1078
00:46:24,823 --> 00:46:25,991
[audience laughing]

1079
00:46:26,074 --> 00:46:28,911
…I've been sucking my own dick
inside the sperm-retrieval facility.

1080
00:46:28,994 --> 00:46:29,995
[audience laughing]

1081
00:46:30,078 --> 00:46:31,455
I'm stroking away. I hear…

1082
00:46:31,538 --> 00:46:33,832
[Latin American accent]
"He's going back for more."

1083
00:46:33,916 --> 00:46:35,083
[audience laughing]

1084
00:46:35,167 --> 00:46:37,377
"I can't believe it. He's insatiable."

1085
00:46:37,461 --> 00:46:38,462
[audience laughing]

1086
00:46:38,545 --> 00:46:40,714
"I knew he a dick-sucker.
That's why I say, 'No saliva.'"

1087
00:46:40,798 --> 00:46:42,049
"I knew he gonna use it."

1088
00:46:42,132 --> 00:46:42,966
[audience laughing]

1089
00:46:43,050 --> 00:46:45,052
"He don't even swallow.
He shoot it on his face."

1090
00:46:45,135 --> 00:46:47,805
"He's painting in there. He's painting."

1091
00:46:47,888 --> 00:46:49,890
[audience laughing]

1092
00:46:53,852 --> 00:46:55,854
[normal voice] But, by some miracle,

1093
00:46:55,938 --> 00:46:58,690
I was able to get a nut out,
and we were able to fertilize eggs.

1094
00:46:58,774 --> 00:47:00,859
-That was fucking cool.
-[cheering and applause]

1095
00:47:00,943 --> 00:47:02,444
Yeah. That was cool.

1096
00:47:03,612 --> 00:47:04,530
Yeah!

1097
00:47:04,613 --> 00:47:06,698
[applause continues]

1098
00:47:06,782 --> 00:47:09,952
Went back and found out
we made, uh, nine embryos,

1099
00:47:10,035 --> 00:47:11,328
which was awesome.

1100
00:47:11,411 --> 00:47:14,456
We told the doctor, "Yo, just put
the strongest one we got in there."

1101
00:47:14,540 --> 00:47:17,876
"We're not choosing the gender.
Just put whatever we got. The strongest."

1102
00:47:17,960 --> 00:47:21,171
I'm in the room. He takes the embryo.
He puts it in my wife.

1103
00:47:21,255 --> 00:47:23,715
The second he puts it in,
I'm like… [moans]

1104
00:47:23,799 --> 00:47:24,633
And…

1105
00:47:24,716 --> 00:47:27,219
-[audience laughing]
-Doctor's like, "What are you doing?"

1106
00:47:27,302 --> 00:47:29,847
I'm like, "I want some part of this
to feel traditional."

1107
00:47:29,930 --> 00:47:32,683
"So I'm gonna hold you, you hold her,

1108
00:47:32,766 --> 00:47:35,310
and we'll just conga-line
this thing into existence, okay?"

1109
00:47:35,394 --> 00:47:37,479
[audience laughing]

1110
00:47:39,231 --> 00:47:41,817
He goes, "Okay,
there's a 60% chance this works."

1111
00:47:41,900 --> 00:47:43,986
"Unfortunately, 40% of time,
it doesn't work."

1112
00:47:44,069 --> 00:47:46,363
"We won't know it's worked
until we hear the heartbeat,

1113
00:47:46,446 --> 00:47:48,448
so we just gotta wait
weeks and weeks for that."

1114
00:47:48,532 --> 00:47:50,242
We go, "Okay." We leave.

1115
00:47:50,325 --> 00:47:52,536
Very excited, nervous. Okay?

1116
00:47:52,619 --> 00:47:55,956
Couple weeks go by. My wife goes,
"I wanna take a pregnancy test."

1117
00:47:56,498 --> 00:47:59,835
I said, "Listen, the doctor said
we should wait for the heartbeat."

1118
00:47:59,918 --> 00:48:04,840
Then my wife did what any wife would do,
is just listen with obedience and respect.

1119
00:48:04,923 --> 00:48:07,467
[audience laughing]

1120
00:48:07,551 --> 00:48:10,137
So I went out,
and I got that pregnancy test, right?

1121
00:48:10,220 --> 00:48:12,598
[audience laughing]

1122
00:48:14,641 --> 00:48:17,561
Throughout this process, my wife
has probably taken 30 pregnancy tests.

1123
00:48:17,644 --> 00:48:20,230
None have gone the way we wanted.
She cries every single time.

1124
00:48:20,314 --> 00:48:22,357
I feel horrible
'cause I'm putting her through this.

1125
00:48:22,441 --> 00:48:26,361
But this time, I got to watch my wife
look at her first positive pregnancy test.

1126
00:48:26,445 --> 00:48:28,864
It was pretty fucking cool.
Yeah. It was fire.

1127
00:48:28,947 --> 00:48:31,033
-[cheering and applause]
-It was fire.

1128
00:48:31,116 --> 00:48:33,744
[applause continues]

1129
00:48:33,827 --> 00:48:35,913
Bro, I was so excited,
I grabbed it out of her hand.

1130
00:48:35,996 --> 00:48:38,248
-I kissed that shit.
-[audience laughing]

1131
00:48:38,332 --> 00:48:40,167
Pee all over it. Didn't give a fuck.

1132
00:48:40,667 --> 00:48:44,171
And after having the urine of someone
I love, respect, and admire on my body,

1133
00:48:44,254 --> 00:48:45,422
free R. Kelly, bro.

1134
00:48:45,505 --> 00:48:47,758
-It's really not as bad as it seems.
-[surprised laughter]

1135
00:48:47,841 --> 00:48:50,093
It's a warm reposado.
Wash it down with a lime.

1136
00:48:50,177 --> 00:48:53,305
[audience laughing]

1137
00:48:53,388 --> 00:48:55,599
We see that pregnancy test.
We're over the moon.

1138
00:48:55,682 --> 00:48:57,059
We're so fucking excited.

1139
00:48:57,142 --> 00:49:01,104
Every day, we get a little more excited.
A few more weeks go by.

1140
00:49:01,188 --> 00:49:02,522
One morning, my wife wakes me up.

1141
00:49:02,606 --> 00:49:04,942
She goes, "Oh my God,
I just had the worst nightmare."

1142
00:49:05,025 --> 00:49:08,487
Immediately, I'm like, "Okay, I must've
cheated on you in your dream again."

1143
00:49:08,570 --> 00:49:09,446
[audience laughing]

1144
00:49:09,529 --> 00:49:12,699
'Cause that's all my wife dreams about,
is me fucking other women.

1145
00:49:12,783 --> 00:49:15,577
Every night, she dreams
about me fucking other women.

1146
00:49:15,661 --> 00:49:17,913
And it's like, how do I dream? Like…

1147
00:49:17,996 --> 00:49:19,957
-You know what I mean? Like…
-[audience laughing]

1148
00:49:20,040 --> 00:49:22,876
"Why don't you teach me how to do that?
That sounds fucking awesome."

1149
00:49:23,669 --> 00:49:26,964
"When I dream, my teeth fall out,
my towel falls off. Those are my dreams."

1150
00:49:27,464 --> 00:49:29,174
"In your dreams, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio

1151
00:49:29,257 --> 00:49:32,219
on ten BlueChews
at the Victoria's Secret show, right?"

1152
00:49:32,302 --> 00:49:34,304
[audience laughing]

1153
00:49:36,390 --> 00:49:38,100
When my wife has a traumatic dream,

1154
00:49:38,183 --> 00:49:40,352
I say, "Listen,
the best way to get through it

1155
00:49:40,435 --> 00:49:43,522
is just to tell me in detail
what was happening." Right? Like…

1156
00:49:44,022 --> 00:49:45,232
"Does she give me head?"

1157
00:49:45,315 --> 00:49:47,943
"No? She didn't either?
Interesting. Okay, got it."

1158
00:49:48,527 --> 00:49:51,530
"So even in your nightmare,
it's my nightmare. Look at that."

1159
00:49:51,613 --> 00:49:53,615
[audience laughing]

1160
00:49:55,701 --> 00:49:58,245
She goes, "No, I didn't have
a dream of you cheating on me."

1161
00:49:58,328 --> 00:50:01,081
She goes, "I had a nightmare
I had a miscarriage."

1162
00:50:03,917 --> 00:50:05,836
Obviously, very concerning.

1163
00:50:06,503 --> 00:50:08,755
I try to comfort her.
I go, "Hey, it's okay, babe."

1164
00:50:08,839 --> 00:50:11,717
"This is on your mind.
It's been a difficult process for us."

1165
00:50:11,800 --> 00:50:15,012
"Everything's gonna be okay."
She gets up to use the bathroom.

1166
00:50:15,595 --> 00:50:16,847
There's blood everywhere.

1167
00:50:18,640 --> 00:50:21,226
Freaking out. Terrified.
No clue what's going on.

1168
00:50:21,309 --> 00:50:23,562
Calling the hospital,
finally get in touch with them.

1169
00:50:23,645 --> 00:50:26,606
They say, "Get here as soon as you can."
We get in the Uber.

1170
00:50:26,690 --> 00:50:28,650
On the way to the hospital.
Finally arrive.

1171
00:50:28,734 --> 00:50:32,154
We go into the room, and we're waiting
for the doctor to do the ultrasound

1172
00:50:32,237 --> 00:50:34,489
to see if he can hear a heartbeat, okay?

1173
00:50:34,573 --> 00:50:35,449
Uh…

1174
00:50:35,532 --> 00:50:37,659
And I start apologizing to my wife.

1175
00:50:37,743 --> 00:50:40,120
I go, "I'm so sorry."
She goes, "Why are you sorry?"

1176
00:50:40,203 --> 00:50:43,373
And I go, "Well, this is my problem."
"You bear the burden of it,

1177
00:50:43,457 --> 00:50:46,543
and I can't protect you from that."
"I'm just really sorry."

1178
00:50:46,626 --> 00:50:49,337
And she says maybe the coolest thing
anybody's ever said to me

1179
00:50:49,421 --> 00:50:52,007
in probably the hardest moment
of her life.

1180
00:50:52,090 --> 00:50:54,676
She goes, "Andrew,
you don't have problems anymore."

1181
00:50:54,760 --> 00:50:57,304
"We have problems,
and we'll figure them out together."

1182
00:50:57,387 --> 00:50:58,346
It was pretty cool.

1183
00:50:58,430 --> 00:51:00,348
-[applause]
-Um…

1184
00:51:00,432 --> 00:51:02,851
[applause continues]

1185
00:51:02,934 --> 00:51:05,604
Now, my wife is a very private person,

1186
00:51:05,687 --> 00:51:09,274
but she's agreed to let me share something
with you tonight if you'd like to see.

1187
00:51:09,357 --> 00:51:12,486
[cheering and applause]

1188
00:51:12,569 --> 00:51:13,987
Play that video.

1189
00:51:16,156 --> 00:51:17,866
-Okay, ready?
-All right, go.

1190
00:51:17,949 --> 00:51:19,951
[guitar gently playing]

1191
00:51:20,035 --> 00:51:22,120
Oh my God! [gasping]

1192
00:51:22,204 --> 00:51:23,246
I knew it.

1193
00:51:24,081 --> 00:51:26,958
♪ I saw a man just laugh it off ♪

1194
00:51:28,543 --> 00:51:31,630
♪ But in his eyes, there was a battle ♪

1195
00:51:32,172 --> 00:51:34,382
♪ He hopes it isn't lost ♪

1196
00:51:35,926 --> 00:51:39,721
♪ In his heart, he needs this most ♪

1197
00:51:40,597 --> 00:51:43,850
♪ And if it's stolen from his hands ♪

1198
00:51:43,934 --> 00:51:46,061
♪ Who knows… ♪

1199
00:51:46,144 --> 00:51:47,062
[music swells]

1200
00:51:47,145 --> 00:51:48,230
[music fades]

1201
00:51:52,901 --> 00:51:54,319
[heartbeat whooshing]

1202
00:51:54,402 --> 00:51:55,529
[Andrew] Oh my God.

1203
00:51:55,612 --> 00:51:58,448
-[cheering and applause]
-[gentle music playing]

1204
00:52:03,495 --> 00:52:04,746
[laughs]

1205
00:52:04,830 --> 00:52:06,248
[Andrew] Oh my God.

1206
00:52:07,582 --> 00:52:09,167
[reel whirring]

1207
00:52:13,213 --> 00:52:17,050
-[baby crying]
-[audience cheering and applauding]

1208
00:52:21,012 --> 00:52:22,514
[baby cries]

1209
00:52:22,597 --> 00:52:24,558
[Andrew] Go, give me kisses.

1210
00:52:24,641 --> 00:52:27,519
[gentle music continues]

1211
00:52:38,822 --> 00:52:39,990
Isn't she?

1212
00:52:46,413 --> 00:52:48,582
[Andrew] It means "gift from God."

1213
00:52:50,625 --> 00:52:52,002
[music fades]

1214
00:52:52,085 --> 00:52:54,838
[cheering and applause]

1215
00:52:59,551 --> 00:53:00,468
Thank you.

1216
00:53:00,552 --> 00:53:02,137
[applause continues]

1217
00:53:02,220 --> 00:53:03,889
Thank you very much, man.

1218
00:53:04,890 --> 00:53:08,435
And if there's anybody out there
going through a similar thing,

1219
00:53:08,518 --> 00:53:10,854
uh, I would just like to encourage you,

1220
00:53:10,937 --> 00:53:13,565
because the light
at the end of the tunnel,

1221
00:53:13,648 --> 00:53:15,984
when you finally get to see your child,

1222
00:53:16,067 --> 00:53:18,778
it will make you forget
everything you endured to get there.

1223
00:53:18,862 --> 00:53:21,198
So I wish you the best of luck,
and God bless.

1224
00:53:21,281 --> 00:53:23,700
-[cheering and applause]
-Um, yeah.

1225
00:53:23,783 --> 00:53:26,328
[applause continues]

1226
00:53:27,495 --> 00:53:29,497
Okay, I got two more things to tell you.

1227
00:53:30,832 --> 00:53:31,708
Number one.

1228
00:53:32,209 --> 00:53:34,127
My wife just had Shiloh.
We're in the room.

1229
00:53:34,211 --> 00:53:35,837
We told all our friends and family.

1230
00:53:36,338 --> 00:53:37,547
So excited.

1231
00:53:37,631 --> 00:53:38,590
Uh…

1232
00:53:39,257 --> 00:53:42,093
And I keep thinking about one person
I really wanna tell.

1233
00:53:42,802 --> 00:53:44,304
And it's the meatball.

1234
00:53:44,387 --> 00:53:47,474
[audience laughing]

1235
00:53:48,225 --> 00:53:49,851
And I know it sounds crazy,

1236
00:53:50,936 --> 00:53:55,732
but this guy made me laugh hard twice
at some of the darkest moments in my life.

1237
00:53:56,233 --> 00:53:57,651
And laughter's given me everything.

1238
00:53:57,734 --> 00:54:00,820
I was like, "I just need him to know
that it worked out."

1239
00:54:00,904 --> 00:54:02,280
I start asking around the hospital.

1240
00:54:02,364 --> 00:54:04,741
I'm like, "Hey, there's this nurse
who was helping us."

1241
00:54:04,824 --> 00:54:07,077
"Any way you could ask
this nurse to come by the room?"

1242
00:54:07,160 --> 00:54:08,620
We get a knock on the door.

1243
00:54:09,412 --> 00:54:11,248
And it's the Latina nurse.

1244
00:54:11,331 --> 00:54:14,584
[audience laughing]

1245
00:54:14,668 --> 00:54:16,544
I'm just fucking with you.
I'm just fucking.

1246
00:54:16,628 --> 00:54:17,462
[audience laughing]

1247
00:54:17,545 --> 00:54:20,048
Imagine she walks in,
sees my wife with a baby.

1248
00:54:20,131 --> 00:54:22,425
[Latin American accent] "Impossible!"

1249
00:54:22,509 --> 00:54:25,220
[audience laughing]

1250
00:54:25,303 --> 00:54:26,596
[normal voice] No.

1251
00:54:26,680 --> 00:54:29,599
No, it was the meatball.
He heard the good news. He comes in.

1252
00:54:29,683 --> 00:54:33,144
He's on ten. He's so excited.
He goes, "Oh my God. Congrats, guys."

1253
00:54:33,228 --> 00:54:36,564
"And you know what? We got five more
on ice whenever you're ready."

1254
00:54:36,648 --> 00:54:38,817
[audience laughing]

1255
00:54:39,526 --> 00:54:41,736
At first, I laughed,
but then I heard the number.

1256
00:54:41,820 --> 00:54:42,946
I was like, "Five?"

1257
00:54:43,947 --> 00:54:46,741
We had nine embryos. One is right there.

1258
00:54:48,285 --> 00:54:50,245
"The fuck happened to the other three?"

1259
00:54:50,328 --> 00:54:51,538
[audience laughs]

1260
00:54:51,621 --> 00:54:52,831
And then, it hit me.

1261
00:54:54,457 --> 00:54:55,750
That's his hustle.

1262
00:54:55,834 --> 00:54:58,920
[audience laughing]

1263
00:54:59,004 --> 00:55:02,716
This motherfucker is stealing embryos
from fertility clinics,

1264
00:55:02,799 --> 00:55:04,884
selling them to Chinese restaurants
to put in soup

1265
00:55:04,968 --> 00:55:06,303
or whatever you do with them.

1266
00:55:06,386 --> 00:55:07,220
[audience laughing]

1267
00:55:07,304 --> 00:55:09,931
That's what I would do.
It's called egg drop soup for a reason.

1268
00:55:10,015 --> 00:55:11,266
Look at the menu!

1269
00:55:11,349 --> 00:55:13,601
[audience laughing]

1270
00:55:16,271 --> 00:55:19,190
I go up to him, "Yo, yo,
what happened to the other three?"

1271
00:55:19,274 --> 00:55:21,609
He goes, "Unfortunately,
we did more testing on those,

1272
00:55:21,693 --> 00:55:23,361
and three of them were not viable."

1273
00:55:23,445 --> 00:55:25,155
I go, "What does that mean?"

1274
00:55:25,238 --> 00:55:27,782
He goes, "We wouldn't feel comfortable
implanting them."

1275
00:55:27,866 --> 00:55:30,410
I go, "Why not?"
"It's just not something we would do."

1276
00:55:30,910 --> 00:55:33,788
I go, "Yeah, but why?"
"We just wouldn't feel comfortable."

1277
00:55:33,872 --> 00:55:34,873
[audience laughing]

1278
00:55:34,956 --> 00:55:35,957
I go, "But why?"

1279
00:55:36,041 --> 00:55:38,168
"It's just not something
we would do here."

1280
00:55:38,251 --> 00:55:39,794
[audience laughing]

1281
00:55:39,878 --> 00:55:42,714
"Why won't you tell me what the fuck
is up with those three eggs?"

1282
00:55:42,797 --> 00:55:44,132
[audience laughing]

1283
00:55:44,215 --> 00:55:46,593
The meatball has, like,
a bro moment with me.

1284
00:55:46,676 --> 00:55:48,261
He, like, turns around,

1285
00:55:48,345 --> 00:55:49,512
closes the door,

1286
00:55:50,096 --> 00:55:51,139
walks back,

1287
00:55:51,890 --> 00:55:53,725
leans in, and goes,

1288
00:55:55,060 --> 00:55:56,186
"They're retarded."

1289
00:55:56,269 --> 00:55:59,147
[audience and Andrew laughing]

1290
00:56:03,902 --> 00:56:05,111
Now, keep in mind,

1291
00:56:05,195 --> 00:56:07,947
I don't know if he means retarded
like we said it growing up

1292
00:56:08,031 --> 00:56:09,324
or actually retarded.

1293
00:56:09,866 --> 00:56:11,701
I ask him, "What do you mean, retarded?"

1294
00:56:11,785 --> 00:56:13,745
He goes, "Retarded." Bro!

1295
00:56:13,828 --> 00:56:15,330
[audience laughing]

1296
00:56:15,413 --> 00:56:17,832
Medical professional. Full nurse's outfit.

1297
00:56:17,916 --> 00:56:20,085
Chicken wing with a gang sign, bro.

1298
00:56:20,752 --> 00:56:22,629
"Ice cream!"

1299
00:56:22,712 --> 00:56:24,130
[audience laughing]

1300
00:56:24,214 --> 00:56:26,800
I'm feeling defensive.
"What if we wanna make one of them?"

1301
00:56:26,883 --> 00:56:28,218
He goes, "We can't do it."

1302
00:56:28,301 --> 00:56:31,262
I go, "But what if I have a farm
and we need someone strong?"

1303
00:56:31,346 --> 00:56:32,514
[audience laughing]

1304
00:56:32,597 --> 00:56:35,558
To roll the hay or wake up the roosters.

1305
00:56:35,642 --> 00:56:36,726
[audience laughing]

1306
00:56:36,810 --> 00:56:38,853
"Cock-a-doodle-doo, who's this?"

1307
00:56:38,937 --> 00:56:40,772
"Ice cream!"

1308
00:56:40,855 --> 00:56:43,817
[audience laughing]

1309
00:56:43,900 --> 00:56:45,110
He goes, "We can't do it."

1310
00:56:45,610 --> 00:56:48,196
I go, "What do you do with them?"
He goes, "Flush them."

1311
00:56:48,279 --> 00:56:49,322
[surprised laughter]

1312
00:56:49,406 --> 00:56:53,410
That means, wherever the sewage
in this city drains out,

1313
00:56:54,035 --> 00:56:55,453
there is a colony…

1314
00:56:55,537 --> 00:56:56,704
[audience laughing]

1315
00:56:56,788 --> 00:56:59,582
…of Teenage Mutant Ninja Retards.

1316
00:56:59,666 --> 00:57:01,835
[audience laughing]

1317
00:57:01,918 --> 00:57:03,837
What I'm trying to say is
that's Staten Island.

1318
00:57:03,920 --> 00:57:06,840
-That's the scientific…
-[audience laughing]

1319
00:57:06,923 --> 00:57:08,925
Thank you so much, New York.

1320
00:57:09,008 --> 00:57:11,553
-God bless you all. Thank you so much!
-[cheering and applause]

1321
00:57:11,636 --> 00:57:15,390
-[jazz music playing]
-♪ This little light of mine ♪

1322
00:57:16,975 --> 00:57:20,478
♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪

1323
00:57:22,355 --> 00:57:26,234
♪ This little light of mine ♪

1324
00:57:27,569 --> 00:57:32,490
♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪

1325
00:57:33,324 --> 00:57:36,327
♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪

1326
00:57:36,411 --> 00:57:39,456
♪ Gonna let it shine ♪

1327
00:57:39,539 --> 00:57:42,834
♪ Gonna let it shine, Lord ♪

1328
00:57:44,836 --> 00:57:47,589
♪ Gonna let it shine ♪

1329
00:57:47,672 --> 00:57:50,508
♪ Gonna let it shine ♪

1330
00:57:50,592 --> 00:57:52,469
♪ Oh ♪

1331
00:57:54,971 --> 00:57:56,931
♪ Everywhere I go ♪

1332
00:57:57,640 --> 00:57:59,851
♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪

1333
00:58:00,351 --> 00:58:02,353
♪ Everywhere I go ♪

1334
00:58:03,021 --> 00:58:05,148
♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪

1335
00:58:05,940 --> 00:58:08,067
♪ Everywhere I go ♪

1336
00:58:08,610 --> 00:58:10,403
♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪

1337
00:58:10,487 --> 00:58:12,113
♪ Gonna let it shine ♪

1338
00:58:12,197 --> 00:58:14,782
♪ Let it shine, let it shine ♪

1339
00:58:15,909 --> 00:58:17,535
♪ Gonna let it shine ♪

1340
00:58:17,619 --> 00:58:20,288
♪ Let it shine, let it shine ♪

1341
00:58:46,898 --> 00:58:50,860
♪ This little light of mine, Lord ♪

1342
00:58:52,779 --> 00:58:55,823
♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪

1343
00:58:57,867 --> 00:58:59,244
[music fades]