Downloaded from YTS.MX
- ["Ramblin" playing] - [audience cheering and applauding]
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
Bert Kreischer.
♪ Well, I was born with a travelin' bone ♪
♪ Can't hang around for too long ♪
♪ Been followin' that long white line ♪
♪ Coast to coast, new town every night ♪
♪ I was born to ramble ♪
♪ I got that travelin' bone ♪
♪ Well, I was born to ramble ♪
♪ So I'll keep ramblin' on ♪
♪ Well, I've seen Boston, San Antone ♪
♪ Kansas City, just a-rollin' along ♪
[song fades]
It is nice to be home.
[audience cheering and applauding]
It's also nice to not be fat as fuck.
[audience laughs]
[laughs] I'm still fat, but...
[laughs]
It got away from me for a little while.
I lost 45 pounds.
[audience cheering and applauding]
Yeah.
You're never gonna believe this, I lost so much weight,
the other night I saw my wife suck my dick.
[audience laughing and cheering]
With my own eyes.
I saw it. Chupacabra is real.
[audience laughs]
It freaked me out.
[audience laughs]
I look down, I'm used to seeing belly, and I went, "What the fuck?"
[audience laughs]
I freaked her out too.
I was like, "Alexa, turn on bedroom lights."
[audience laughs]
I kind of wish I hadn't seen it.
[audience laughs]
It's better in your imagination.
When you're a big guy, been doing it in the dark,
not looking over the belly 'cause if you lean too hard, you shit the bed...
[audience laughs]
You just hear it for years, and it just gets better and better, like...
[slurping]
Sounds like a mom cleaning up her kid's ice cream cone
on a hot summer day.
Just... [slurping]
[audience laughing]
Then I saw it.
[laughs awkwardly]
Looked like someone trying boba for the first time, just...
That scared look,
knowing something's about to shoot down their throat, just not when.
[audience laughs]
I love my wife.
She's fifty--
Ooh, I almost threw up saying it.
[audience laughs]
Fifty-three. Ha!
I'll tell ya, hmm, baby.
[audience laughs]
Every time I have sex with her,
I realize I'm fucking the oldest person I've ever fucked.
[audience laughs]
And I like it. That's the creepy part.
If you showed me a picture of my wife naked today
to me at 18 years old, I'd be like,
"Am I in a wheelchair?"
[audience laughs]
Then you start having sex with a menopausal chick,
and you're like, "Fuck, yeah!"
It's like your old baseball glove that you've had for 20 years.
Smells good, your fingers fit in it just right.
If you put your fingers in, you're like, "Why so big?"
I've had it for a long time.
[audience laughs]
Creased in the right places
and you've been slamming balls into it for 25 years.
Here's the deal, I couldn't fuck what you fuck.
You fuck Fireball shots.
I don't want that.
I want menopause, that's a glass of scotch.
[audience laughs]
It's just meant for the men, you wouldn't get it.
[audience laughs]
Complex, smoky, full-bodied.
I don't know what I'd say to a 20-year-old after sex.
"You can play on your iPad for 15 minutes."
[audience laughing and whooping]
I need a chick that sweats while she sleeps.
[audience laughs]
They fucking sweat, bro.
My wife sweats like a Black preacher on Sundays.
[audience laughs]
Hugging her in the morning is like hugging a goddamn dolphin.
Just wet and... [imitates dolphin squeaking]
Her tits stink.
[audience laughs]
No, they're great tits. It's just, they smell.
[audience laughs]
I was taking a dump one morning,
she's sniffing her bra, I go, "What the fuck are you doing?"
She goes, "This don't smell right."
[audience laughs]
I was like, how bad could it be?
Like a hockey glove. I was like...
[audience laughs]
"We gotta wash your tits, honey. That's my favorite part of your body."
They put her on, uh...
Put her on testosterone and progesterone. I'm not allowed to tell you that, but...
[audience laughs]
I don't know what it does medically. I can just tell you personally,
it turned her into a whore.
She is fucking me like she's trying to give me AIDS.
This woman
has sex like she's trying to earn a green card.
[audience laughs]
She called me the other night, goes, "You wanna have phone sex?"
I was like, "Abso-fucking-lutely."
For 20 years, I've wanted to have phone sex.
She goes, "Call me when you get to your tour bus."
I sprinted...
[audience laughs]
...to my tour bus with a hard dick.
- You know how difficult that is? - [audience laughs]
I don't know how rapists do it.
[audience exclaiming and laughing]
And then I got there, and I had the pleasure of having phone sex
with a 53-year-old woman who's never watched pornography
and doesn't know all the cool angles.
She's got it on landscape on a pillow.
I see a little nipple and a ceiling fan.
[audience laughs]
And you gotta massage that moment, you can't piss her off.
'Cause your brain's going, "Crisscross applesauce, bitch. I wanna see pussy!"
But you can't say that. You gotta be like, "Hey, maybe we go portrait mode?"
[audience laughs]
"On your heels, so I can get more of an upward shot
of your front bottoms?"
She goes, "You wanna look at my coochie?"
I'm like, "That's not what I said."
[audience laughs]
She goes, "Wanna look at my cooter?"
- I'm like, "Stop talking. Let's not talk." - [audience laughs]
She goes, "I know what you want, you wanna watch me butter my bread."
I was like, "Slow down, Dolly Parton."
[audience laughs]
And then she started buttering her bread. I was like, "Yeah, butter your bread."
[audience laughs]
Whatever you call it in Pigeon Forge, do more of that.
And then she said to me, "I wanna watch you."
I was like, "That's not how this works."
[audience laughs]
"I'm down here. You look at my face."
She goes, "I'll stop unless I can see you."
[exhales sharply] The most humiliating three minutes of my life.
My phone, portrait mode,
three feet from me, just staring at that little box up top.
Seeing myself just...
[audience laughing]
[audience laughs]
And there's a new function on FaceTime.
I don't know if you've seen it, but if you give a thumbs up...
[audience laughs]
...it blasts a thumbs-up for you.
[audience laughs]
And the head of my dick, in my hand, looks a lot like a thumbs up.
[audience laughs]
I'm hammering the screen, just...
Goosh! Goosh! Goosh-goosh!
We're so old, she goes, "Are people watching us?"
[audience laughs]
I don't fucking know. I'm like, "Am I live-streaming this?"
[audience laughs]
"They're liking it, honey. They're really liking it."
"I didn't think anyone was gonna like this Gilbert Grape sex tape, but fuck it."
Just Mama and Arnie going at it.
"I can climb, Gilbert."
I was wearing my readers.
[audience laughs]
Do you know how embarrassing that would have been to leak that?
I just look like a sad sailor, just...
[audience laughs]
Tits touching belly.
[audience laughs]
Did you get readers yet, sir?
You got your readers, you got-- [laughs]
That's old people shit right there.
That's old people shit.
I got readers. I had to. I fought it for a long time.
Then we had an incident.
Taking my oldest daughter, Georgia, to college.
We have a travel agent, travel agent texts and says,
"I have two trucks on hold for you, an Armada and an Escalade."
I am unfamiliar with the Armada, so I just write back,
"I want the bigger truck."
Did you know
the letter B
on a keyboard...
[crowd exclaiming softly]
[audience laughs]
...is right next to the letter N?
[audience laughs]
I sent a hate crime...
[audience laughs]
...to a woman named Felicia.
[audience laughs]
In a panic, I show it to my daughter.
She goes, "What the fuck did you tell her?"
[audience laughs]
Luckily, she was cool. She was like, "Escalade it is."
[audience laughs]
- [laughs] - [[audience whooping and applauding]
I don't type the word "bigger" at all anymore.
It's "bigga" just to be safe.
[audience laughs]
LeeAnn got me the readers. She goes to my doctor's appointments now.
That's old people shit.
When your wife goes and takes notes for you.
I went to a cardiologist appointment,
she goes, "I don't think he's saying what you say he's saying."
And he absolutely was not.
I gave her the news I wanted to hear.
I can work this guy. If I made him laugh, he'd forget what we were talking about,
and I can get pills.
I walk in, he goes, "What are you doing to lose weight?"
I was like, "I switched my scale to kilograms."
[audience laughs]
LeeAnn's like, "Stop it." I go, "You stop it. This is how I get Xanax."
[audience laughs]
She took me to get readers, and she picked out the readers.
And I put them on, and I look cute as fuck with readers on.
I put them on at home lying in bed waiting for her to walk in.
She walks in, she goes, "Damn, you look cute in them glasses, boy."
[audience laughs]
I was like, "Suck this dick, bitch."
[audience laughs]
She came in to give me a kiss,
and I realized I have not seen this woman in high-def in ten fucking years.
[audience laughs]
I stepped on those glasses, saved my marriage.
Here's the deal. Here--
No, fuck you.
I love her. You know I love her. I do.
If she cheated on me, I'd murder her. That's love, right?
[audience laughs]
Don't worry, I'd kill my daughters too. I'm not gonna be a single parent.
[audience laughs]
Starting clean.
I get $2 million if she dies. What the fuck?
How are you supposed to be sad at a funeral...
[audience laughs]
...when you know you have a boat showing up?
- [audience laughs] - [laughing]
- [snorts then continues laughing] - [audience laughs]
Here's the deal, the key.
For anyone that's in the situation we're in, our kids going to college,
you get a little older, here's the key to a happy marriage.
I do this every morning, and I'm being real.
Every morning, I find my wife, no matter where she is.
And I don't say anything, I just go up, I give her a big hug.
And I lean over her, and I give her a kiss.
And she looks up at me, and she kisses me back.
And it reminds me, at that moment,
of the woman, the girl, I married.
- [woman whoops] - That's right.
- [women cheering] - You hear them cheering, gentlemen?
It's 'cause they know when they look up, their skin tightens.
[audience laughs]
And if you grab 'em by the ears and pull back, you're like, "There she is!"
[audience laughs]
That's the chick that sucks dick on a Jet Ski.
[audience laughs]
She used to. Yeah, she's a redneck.
Did you ever fuck a redneck?
It's like catching a hog in the wild, it's fucking crazy.
Real redneck. Like "discipline your dog with a shovel" kind of redneck.
Like "we had to get rid of a couple of her dad's flags" kind of redneck.
[audience laughs]
She's so redneck,
she's got two cousins
who are married.
[audience laughs]
And they have a child.
[audience exclaims]
My daughter Ila heard that and goes, "That's not supposed to happen."
[audience laughs]
My wife, the love of my life, said to all of us with a straight face
a phrase I will put on a fucking T-shirt one day.
She looked at us with a straight face and goes, "Shit."
"They's kin, but they ain't blood."
[audience laughs]
We're talking about incest, you know that.
[audience laughs]
And she said, "They's kin,
but they ain't blood"?
I met their child.
[audience laughs]
They blood.
[audience laughs]
They blood as fuck. They Suge Knight blood.
"What's up, coz?"
This mouth-breathing, window-licking ninny. [laughs]
He's the dumbest person I've ever met, and I grew up in Lutz, okay?
[audience cheering and applauding]
I'm in Alabama. I'm on the dock.
Sun's setting, shirt's off, cocktail in my hand, having a moment,
and all of a sudden, I smell baby redneck.
[audience laughs]
Cheetos and Mello Yello.
[audience laughs]
Look over, Sling Blade's staring at me.
[audience laughs]
He just goes, [in Southern accent] "Hey, mister."
"Throw me in the water."
[audience laughs]
[in normal voice] I go, "Just jump."
[audience laughs]
He goes, [in Southern accent] "Nah."
"Throw me in the water."
[in normal voice] I go, "Buddy, if you lean,
it'll happen."
[audience laughs]
And then he smiles,
[in Southern accent] "Come on, mister, do me WWE style."
"Throw me in the water."
[in normal voice] I'm like, "Bitch, it's on."
I had two little girls, I never got to fuck them up.
I'm gonna fuck this kid up.
If I do it right, I'll knock the wind out of him,
which is the sweetest sound you'll hear out of a child.
[imitates child moaning]
[audience laughs]
Top five best sounds you'll ever hear. Number one, woman or-- No, no, no.
Number one, deaf person laughing. That's the best fucking sound.
And that's meant with love. It's joy, unbridled, uncut.
[snorting and laughing]
No fentanyl.
[snorting and laughing]
You get two deaf people laughing, it sounds like they're kicking pigeons.
[audience laughs]
Secret time. I had a hotel room next to two deaf people fucking once.
I jacked off twice.
[audience laughs]
I did.
I thought they were fighting over a pizza.
- Anyway... - [audience laughs]
So I grabbed this fat fuck by the throat, turned him around,
back to the lake, pop him up,
Undertaker chokeslam, just... [grunts]
As I push, I hear his mom at the house go,
[in Southern accent] "He can't swim!"
[audience laughs]
[in normal voice] Fucking Lennie from Of Mice and Men here...
[audience laughs]
...forgot he never learned how to swim.
And now I look like the hand of God, "Just die, devil seed."
Radio hits the water, he disappears.
[audience laughs]
Now all the moms are like, "Bert, save that baby boy!"
Part of me is thinking, "Maybe this is natural selection."
[audience laughs]
But I saved him.
He kin.
[audience laughs]
Shit, he kin to himself.
Get him to the shallow water.
And he says the best sentence I've ever heard of child say.
Can you guess?
[audience members speaking indistinctly]
Nope. Nope. No.
Nope.
- [in Southern accent] "I can't swim." - [audience laughs]
[in normal voice] I was like, "No shit, fuck face."
"That's why we're both wet right now. You know that, huh?"
He goes, [in Southern accent] "Mister, I thought I had my life preserver on."
[audience laughs]
Broke my heart. I've been there. I was like, "Those are your titties."
[audience laughs]
And then his mom comes down, lights him up. She goes,
"I don't know what's wrong with that boy." I was like, "Uh..."
[audience laughs]
LeeAnn comes down, yells at me, because apparently,
I took my vape pen out of my pocket before I jumped in.
[audience laughs]
Then they leave, and it's me and him in chest-high water
like two limp dicks in an orgy.
[audience laughs]
He looks at me and goes, [in Southern accent] "I'm sorry, mister."
"I didn't mean to get us in trouble."
"But if I put my life preserver on,
would you throw me in the water?"
[audience laughs]
I was like, "I can't think of anything I wanna do more in this fucking world
than spend my day getting high, throwing your ass in the water."
Every time he got up to the edge of the dock, it made me laugh
'cause he'd go, "Hold on, now."
It's on.
[audience laughs]
Dude, this kid's lucky to be alive.
I'm the luckiest person you'll ever meet.
I'm telling you right now. I don't deserve anything I have.
Beautiful wife, beautiful kids, great--
I-- I'm so lucky
that if you hang out with me, you'll get lucky.
I swear to God, I'm so lucky
that if you lose something, I'll be the person that finds it.
If I'm there, I'll find it. I'm gonna tell you two stories.
One little sample story, so you understand what we're talking about.
The other one, that's the big story.
Sample story.
13 years ago, I take the girls to the beach,
me and LeeAnn.
We're sitting between a motocross couple and a Black couple.
I say "Motocross" 'cause they were white and covered in tattoos. Now...
[audience laughs]
Yeah.
How do you say it?
[audience laughing]
- [laughing] - [audience continues laughing]
- This show is going really well. [laughs] - [audience laughs]
Black guy...
Black guy takes his blanket, flips it to get the sand off,
wedding ring flies off his finger in the sand, he goes,
"Oh, shit, I just lost my wedding ring."
I hear the word "lost," my dick gets hard. Boom.
I know my superhuman power.
I stand up, I said, "My name's Bert Kreischer."
"I find lost things."
[audience laughs]
LeeAnn knows. She goes, "Oh, shit. Here we go again."
"Here's the deal, he's gonna find your wedding ring."
"You gotta put up with all the bullshit he's about to put you through."
So we all searched. Motocross couple, Black couple, my family,
we all search for 30 minutes, then they give up.
Now it's me and the Black dude on our hands and knees
like a team, like Blazing Saddles.
That's probably a bad example.
[audience laughs]
We searched for 30 minutes, then he gives up.
He says, "We're not gonna find it." I said, "You are not gonna find it."
"My name's Bert Kreischer."
"I find lost things, don't ever forget that."
He sits down, and I search by myself for maybe five minutes.
And as my fingers glide through the sand,
his wedding ring slides onto my finger, as if the Lord himself
placed it there and said, "Don't let them forget who you are...
[audience laughs]
...and what you do."
[audience laughs]
I got chill bumps. I stood there silent.
No one's looking at me. I look at the motocross guy.
I go, "Hey, man, you got Google on your phone?"
He goes, "Yeah."
I said, "Google the name Bert Kreischer, see what it says he does."
LeeAnn goes, "Oh, shit. He just found your wedding ring."
[audience laughs]
Motocross guy goes, "It says he finds lost things."
Black guy goes, "You found my ring?" I go, "I'm not speaking to you right now."
[audience laughs]
I look at his wife, I said, "What's my name? What do I do?"
She stands up and she goes,
"Sugar, your name's Bert Kreischer, you find lost things."
I said, "Make him say it."
[audience laughs]
She goes, "Say his name, motherfucker!"
[audience laughs]
He goes, "Bert Kreischer. You find lost things."
I said, "Look up and tell the Lord."
[audience laughs]
He says, "His name's Bert Kreischer. He finds lost things."
I go, "I found your ring, motherfucker!"
[audience cheering and applauding]
That's the small story.
- I found a child one time. - [audience laughs]
- Alive. Not in the dumpster, alive. - [woman whooping]
Fourth of July, five years ago.
I'm with the girls, we're in a parade. No shirt, backpack full of beer.
I'm wasted. I'm a good dad. Now...
[audience laughs]
Little boy, kindergarten age, is walking upstream, freaking out, crying.
I drop to a knee. I said, "Buddy, what's going on?"
He goes, "I lost my family!"
Boom. I hear the word "lost," my dick gets hard.
[audience laughs]
For the right reason.
[audience laughs]
I said, "Buddy, my name's Bert Kreischer. I find lost things."
My girls are next to me going, "He does! He does!"
I said, "Buddy, is your mom here?" He goes, "I don't know."
I said, "What's your mom's name?" He goes, "I don't know!"
Ila hits me and goes, "Keep it moving, big guy."
[audience laughs]
I said, "What?"
She goes, "He's a gypsy. Keep walking."
[audience laughs]
I go, "He's not--"
"Dad, this is how they pick your pockets. I saw it on TikTok. Let's go."
[audience laughs]
I was like, "You're off TikTok."
Lean down, I go, "Is your dad here?" He goes, "I don't know!"
I said, "What's your dad's name?" He goes, "I don't know!"
Now, I'm like, "Okay..."
"We might have a gypsy."
[audience laughs]
Georgia, the smartest of the three of us...
looks at us, says, "Both of you, stop."
She goes, "Buddy, my name's Georgia. What's your name?"
You see him settle a little bit, he goes,
[sniffles] "Nathan?"
She goes, "Nathan, this is my daddy. People call him 'Bert.'"
"What do people call your daddy when they see him?"
He's still panicked, but he's settled. He goes, [sniffling] "I don't know."
"David?" [imitates sobbing]
"Maybe Michael?"
[audience laughs]
Georgia's like, "I think we have a gypsy."
[audience laughs]
So we grab this boy. Girls hold his hands, I'm behind them.
Loud as fuck, we walk upstream in the parade.
I'm just going, "We found a boy!"
"Brand-new baby boy!"
"Anyone lose a Nathan?"
I remember this one mom going, "What are you doing with that child?"
I'm like, "His Tinder's down. I'm trying to get him laid."
"Go fuck yourself!"
[audience laughing and applauding]
Nosy whore. Anyway...
Finally, this dad recognizes Nathan.
Their kids were in the same class.
So I go up to the dad, I go, "He lost his family."
"I'm losing my buzz, can you...
[audience laughs]
...skinny this up for me?"
He goes, "His family's at the party next door, in the front yard."
I go, "Cool. Nathan, stay with my girls, boom, I'm coming back with your family."
I went to the party next door excited. It's packed.
I kill a beer out of my backpack, put in their mailbox.
[audience laughs]
I go, "I found a boy."
"His name's Nathan."
"Anyone lose a Nathan?"
Nothing.
[audience laughs]
All of a sudden, I hear Ila's squeaky voice.
She goes, [in squeaky voice] "Is there a David? Maybe a Michael here?"
I said, "What the fuck are you doing?" "Getting rid of that gypsy, Dad."
[audience laughs]
This dad ten feet from me goes, "My name's David."
I said, "You have a son?" He said, "Yeah."
I said, "Is his name Nathan?"
He goes, "Yeah, as a matter of fact it is."
Ila steps forward and goes, "Did you think this was a magic trick?"
[audience laughs]
He goes, "Nathan doesn't get lost." I go, "I found one."
Wanna lay some eyes on this piece of shit, see if it's yours?
[audience laughs]
He goes, "I guess." And we start walking.
I go, "Nathan!"
And the second I yell "Nathan,"
a dad comes sprinting out of the backyard.
This father has lost his child.
"Did someone say they found Nathan?"
I said, "I did." He goes, "My name's Michael."
I'm like, "Thank fucking God!"
[audience laughs]
I go, "David, you can go fuck yourself. I found his dad."
[audience laughs]
And David gets irate. He goes, "Son of a bitch!"
"God damn it. Michael, have you been drinking?"
He goes, "I had one drink, David." "You were supposed to watch Nathan!"
I'm like...
[audience exclaiming and laughing]
How did I not solve this Scooby-Doo mystery?
[audience laughs]
Ila's next to me going, "Is he a gypsy?"
I'm like, "Shut your fucking mouth."
[audience laughs]
She watches them fight for two more seconds,
it hits her like a tsunami. She goes, "Oh!"
"Georgia, we found out why he doesn't know his mom's name!"
[audience laughs]
I told that story to two people the day it happened.
The day-- First person, Joey Diaz, best reaction I've ever gotten.
- [audience cheering and applauding] - The best...
I see Joey in a park full of liberal parents in LA.
I tell him the story. When I say, "Michael, have you been drinking?"
Loud as fuck, he goes, "They're fucking gay?!"
[audience laughs]
Second person I tell, my wife LeeAnn.
And when I say "David, maybe Michael" at the beginning of the story,
she looks at me and goes, "Oh, his dad is a sugarfoot?"
[audience laughs]
I said, "No, they didn't have diabetes, LeeAnn."
[audience laughs]
She goes, "No, that's what we call it in the South when you's gay."
"He's just a little bit of a sugarfoot."
[audience laughs]
"It's the polite way of saying gay."
[audience laughs]
It's like, "Aw, thanks, Paula Dean."
[audience laughs]
"What other candy-coated hate slurs do you have?"
[audience laughs]
She's a good person. She really is.
She-- I'm not saying I'm a good person.
I laugh at horrible shit.
The more you're not supposed to laugh...
That's my thing.
[audience laughs]
I can't help it. And if it pisses LeeAnn off, oh, I'm gone.
We took a flight one time. Miami to LAX, right?
Check in in Miami. Go to the front counter.
Drop off our bags.
I say to the lady, "Do you have any upgrades for first class?"
She goes, "I have one." I was like, "Cool, I'll take it"
[audience laughs]
"What about your wife?"
I said, "I'm sorry, I thought you said you only had one."
- [audience laughs] - "You're not gonna give it to your wife?"
I went, "Absolutely not." I said, "I drink on planes."
"She's like a Mennonite, she's gonna raw-dog this flight."
"She'll stare at a wall for six hours."
"I like to get down."
Then LeeAnn goes, "What about me? What about chivalry?"
I go, "Baby, chivalry was created before upgrades. It doesn't count."
[audience laughs]
LeeAnn was pissed the whole time at the airport, livid.
Then we get on the plane, she stops at my seat.
She goes, "Come on, now."
I went, "No, no, no. You're in steerage. Keep walking."
[audience laughs]
"Have fun with Leo and the Italian kid at the bottom of the boat."
[audience laughs]
"Looks like fun. You'll have a blast."
She goes three rows behind me in bulkhead.
I'm in first class.
Get my drink. Double Jack on the rocks.
Lots of rocks. Take my first sip.
Oh!
And then I hear, very loud. I hear...
[trumpets]
Everyone freezes.
I text LeeAnn. I go, "Was that you?"
[audience laughs]
LeeAnn writes back, "No, asshole."
[audience laughs]
"There is a special-needs woman
on our flight."
[audience laughs]
I said, "What does that mean?"
[audience laughs]
She writes back, "Well, I think you just heard it."
[audience laughs]
"She has a fear of flying."
"And it's bringing out some nervous tics."
"One of which is squealing like an elephant."
I said, "What's the other one?"
She goes, "Well, she's flailing pretty violently."
[audience laughs]
I write back...
- [laughs] - [audience laughs]
"Is she hot?"
[audience laughs]
No reply, not even a bubble.
[audience laughs]
Then I write back, "Where is she sitting?" And she writes back, "Your seat, asshole."
[audience laughs]
This is when the laughs started, I could not hold it in.
I am dying laughing
'cause I'm listening to this energy behind me. Three rows...
[trumpets]
And anytime anyone walks into coach,
they all have the same reaction, they're like, "Dear God!"
[audience laughs]
So before the flight takes off, I go to the attendant, do the right thing.
I said, "Hey, my wife is sitting next to that special-needs woman."
And even the flight attendant's like, "Holy shit."
[audience laughs]
I said, "I'll switch with her."
She goes, "Aww."
"You are a good man."
[audience laughs]
I was like, "I know."
[audience laughs]
I said, "Here's the deal. I need to drink on this plane."
"My wife is gonna sit in first class."
"She's a square, she won't touch any alcohol."
"But if you can load me up with alcohol, I'll be cool."
"I have a fear of flying, we'll probably connect. So..."
[audience laughs]
"You keep me drinking, and we'll be straight the whole flight."
She says this to me,
and if you drink on a plane, you know how precious this statement is.
She looks around, "Kill your drink, I'll make you a fresh one."
[woman whoops]
[audience cheering and applauding]
I murder my drink. She makes a fresh one, then she gives me two baby bottles of Jack
and goes, "That'll get you to cruising altitude."
"I'll hit you before I cover anyone in first class."
[audience cheering and applauding]
Before I leave, she grabs me again,
"You know, more men should be like you."
[audience laughs]
What she doesn't know is, I'm thinking,
"Shit, I gotta start traveling with a special-needs person."
[audience laughs]
If they let you drink like this, I'm like, "Come on, corgi, we're flying to London!"
- Hey, hey, hey, hey! - [audience laughs]
So I get my drink,
walk past all those selfish people in first class.
- [laughs] - [audience laughs]
I get to coach,
I pull back the curtain, and I was not prepared for what I saw.
It looked like a Waffle House at 4:00 a.m.
[audience laughs]
Lord of the Flies, people,
and it is all orchestrated by this special-needs woman
who is 6-fucking-5.
- [audience laughs] - She's a big bitch.
She looks like Gronk's sister.
Flailing violently. [trumpets]
And upon further inspection, I realize she has oven mitts
duct-taped to her goddamn hands.
[audience laughs]
I handed LeeAnn the drink. Like, "Enjoy your flight. There you go."
[audience laughing]
Walked up to the attendant,
I go, "She didn't wanna switch, what are you gonna do?"
[audience laughs]
I couldn't stop laughing.
Let's be clear. I'm not laughing at the special-needs person.
I'm not. That's not what's making me laugh.
What was making me laugh
was the family member
who took it upon themselves to duct-tape
oven mitts--
Not even matching oven mitts, one was a lobster claw.
[audience laughs]
The other one said, "Too hot to handle."
- duct-taped them to her goddamn hands,
and then say, "Enjoy the West Coast." What the fuck?
[audience laughs]
I was crying-laughing the whole flight.
Drinking like-- I blacked out, passed out.
[audience laughs]
Wake up, get off the plane,
I'm waiting for LeeAnn to come out.
And out comes LeeAnn with ol' Hamburger Helper.
[audience laughing]
They looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito in Twins.
[audience laughs]
I'm thinking, "Shit, is she kin?"
[audience laughs]
LeeAnn looks at me, chill, and she goes, "She's okay."
"She's good. We're gonna help her get her luggage."
I was like, "She probably can't get them with the oven mitts."
[audience laughs]
LeeAnn's like, "We're taking them off her right now."
I was like, "Uh, the fuck we are."
Someone that loves her duct-taped them to her hands.
They know something we don't know.
I'm not taking them off to find out we're hanging out with Wolverine, okay?
[audience laughs]
I couldn't stop laughing for the whole night, in the car, at home.
LeeAnn was livid, and that's my favorite laugh.
When it's just pissing off your spouse?
We get in bed, I'm naked, drunk as shit, pass out.
Wake up the next morning,
and we forgot we were fighting.
[audience laughs]
Roll over, start kissing.
Start having sex.
[sighs] And in the middle of sex,
LeeAnn brings her hands up...
[audience laughs]
- It hit me like a ton of bricks. - [audience laughing]
I start laughing immediately, come instantly.
Doubled over, going, "Oven mitts! Oven Mitts! Oven mitts!"
Get out of the bed and LeeAnn starts laughing.
I go, "Finally, you get it."
She goes, "I get it, all right."
"Did you take a shit at the airport yesterday?"
[audience laughs]
I go, "Maybe."
She goes, "Feel your ass cheek."
I reach back.
The paper toilet seat cover...
[audience laughs]
...was still there.
I sat so long on the toilet,
it cotton-candied itself to my legs and ass.
I put my jeans on over it,
walked it to the plane, sat on it for a six-hour flight.
I slept in it. I fucked my wife in it.
[audience laughing]
Now I have a look of terror, and she's laughing, goes,
"Hell, I just fucked a special-needs person."
[audience cheering and applauding]
My daughters don't like that joke.
[audience laughs]
My daughters don't like my act.
They saw my act, they go, "You're a misogynist."
I was like, "Luckily, you're women. No one's listening to you."
[audience laughs]
- They didn't laugh at that either. - [audience laughs]
They said to me, "Dad, for this special, can you write one feminist joke
for the women in your audience that are feminists?"
[woman] Let's hear it!
Okay.
[audience laughs]
I hope you enjoy it.
[audience laughs]
Don't forget, I wrote it.
[audience laughs]
And it's gonna get a little political, okay?
It does. It will.
But I'm cool 'cause I'm doing this for my girls.
[inhales deeply then exhales]
[audience laughs]
Women across the board are better than men.
[women cheering]
I mean that. And any guy on the fence, I can prove it right now.
Gentlemen, have you ever been about to go down on your chick
and she stops you and goes, "Uh, I wouldn't do that if I were you."
"I'm not so fresh down there."
And as a guy, you're like, "Oh."
[audience laughs]
"Good looking out."
[audience laughs]
Ladies...
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
...have you ever been about to suck a guy's dick,
and he stops you and goes, "Whoa, hold up. I wouldn't do that if I were you."
[audience laughs]
"I had a long day at work, and I'm not so--"
Fucking never! Never! Never! Never!
A guy will dab and sniff and go, "She won't smell that."
[audience laughs]
"No, it's just slippery. It doesn't smell."
[audience laughs]
"That's called 'duck butter' is what that is."
[audience laughs]
"It's my asshole that smells."
[audience laughs]
"Her nose will be here. My asshole's here. How the..."
"I'll put her on her pillow. She'll think it's her. There."
[audience laughs]
For that reason,
that is why I, Bert Kreischer, wholeheartedly and honestly
believe that a man should never legislate what a woman does with her body.
[women cheering and applauding]
Because every man in this room,
every congressman, every man in Senate, our President of the United States.
All of us were so arrogant at one point in our lives,
we thought we knew better about a woman's body than her,
and we went down there anyway.
[audience laughs]
You only do it once, but we had that bro cocky energy, like,
"I'm good."
[audience laughs]
"I love you."
"There's not a smell you can make that--"
- [retches] - [audience laughs]
"Oh, God. Did you ride a horse here?"
[retching]
"We gotta get you a new bike seat. Something's off."
"Oh, my God. No, no, I can do this. I can do this."
[audience laughs]
"My name is Johnny Knoxville, and this is the stinky pussy challenge."
[audience cheering and applauding]
That's a political joke.
- [cheering and applauding continues] - [laughs]
My daughters will never hear that.
[audience laughs]
Those fucking id-- They found out I was stupid recently.
I knew I was-- LeeAnn knows I'm stupid.
I used to think Helen Keller and Anne Frank were the same person.
[audience laughs]
That's real. That's real.
I found that out at the Anne Frank House.
[audience laughs]
We do the tour. Me and my buddies were high as shit.
The whole tour, I'm pulling them aside going,
"You know she had a dog?"
They're like...
"What?"
I go, "Yeah, he ran away. You would too if your name was..."
[groans]
[audience laughing]
We go into her kitchen, I go, "Here's where she burned her fingers."
They're like, "How?"
"She was trying to read the waffle iron."
[audience laughs]
This lady turns around and goes,
"I'm so sorry, are you telling Helen Keller jokes?"
[audience laughs]
These guys realize, by the look on my face,
I don't know who the fuck Anne Frank is...
[audience laughs]
...and I think we're at Helen Keller's house.
They get the ultimate laugh.
That's when you're high, and you wanna laugh,
but you can't 'cause you're in a fucking Holocaust museum.
[audience laughs]
For my daughters, they found out--
I took 'em on a trip to Italy, and we went to Rome.
Did you know
that Rome, Italy, is the same Rome
as the Roman Empire?
[audience laughs]
Okay.
Okay, all of you?
[audience laughs]
All right, show of hands.
Did you know
Julius Caesar
was a real person?
[audience laughs]
Okay, I didn't know that one.
We're in a big tour,
and they're talking about Julius Caesar and Cleopatra, a bunch of fake names.
[audience laughs]
I hit my daughter Georgia and go, "Is he a real person?"
She looks at me-- This fucking tart.
[audience laughs]
Goes, "That's a great question for the group, Dad."
[audience laughing and applauding]
"Yeah, quick question."
"We know about the dressing and the 'pizza, pizza' but..."
[audience laughs]
We went to the David, the statue, the naked dude,
with the arm up like this, Michelangelo did it.
I hit Georgia, I go, "Why does he got a small dick?"
She goes, "Another great question for the group, Dad."
[audience laughs]
Hand up. I got a banger in my pocket.
Now this time, when I start to ask my question,
the whole group turns to watch.
I said, "Yeah, yeah. Why does he have a small dick?"
The guy goes, "That's a great question."
"Because Michelangelo knew if he gave him a big dick,
guys like you would just stare at his dick."
[audience laughs]
I was like, "Yeah, that tracks. I'm looking at it small."
[audience laughs]
We don't look good as a family.
You ever look at your family and go, "We are no dream team."
We don't even look like we know each other.
Ila is dressed like Big Jay Oakerson.
[audience laughs]
Georgia's got no bra, nose ring, tatted up.
LeeAnn has got a fanny pack on, tucked-in shirt, map.
She looks like a trans Joe Rogan.
[audience laughing]
I'm drunk and sweaty,
and I'm supposed to be their fucking leader?
[audience laughs]
I am no dream team leader, I will tell you that.
My daughter Ila is, fuck-- Her brain is different.
I mean...
I have impulse control problems.
I think that's pretty well-documented.
[audience laughs]
Ila's got wild impulse control problems.
During the pandemic, if she saw me drinking,
she'd get on the arm of my recliner,
get on my phone, get on Amazon and scroll wildly.
Be like, "Hey, big guy."
"How much do you think a refrigerator cost?"
[audience laughs]
"A big one?" She goes, "No, a mini fridge."
I go, "150 bucks."
She goes, "If I told you they were $79, how many would you buy?"
[audience laughs]
I go, "Four." She goes, "Done, son!" Click.
[audience laughs]
Have you ever ordered something blackout drunk on Amazon
and had to figure out what it was the next day when it showed up?
Yeah, I didn't have to guess when I saw four fucking mini fridges
on our front porch.
And these aren't baby fridges.
These are Tyrion Lannister-sized refrigerators.
[audience laughs]
Worst one ever. Worst one ever.
Uh, girls wanna learn how to skateboard.
We lived on a one-way street,
but cars would fly up the wrong way all the time.
So I'm at dinner with the girls, and LeeAnn and I go, "I figured it out."
"I'll buy traffic cones and post them up at the end of the street."
"That way, people have to slow down. Everyone respects a traffic cone."
[audience laughs]
LeeAnn's a redneck, she goes, "Dummy."
"You don't buy traffic cones."
[audience laughs]
"You steal traffic cones."
[audience laughing and applauding]
She goes, "Ain't no one buying no goddamn traffic cone."
"They didn't even sell them motherfuckers at Walmart!"
Now I'm thinking I've actually never seen a traffic cone for sale.
Ila's already on Amazon with a handful of traffic cones.
She goes, "Don't listen to Forrest Gump, Dad, take a look."
- [audience laughs] - I go, "Ila's got traffic cones."
[in Southern accent] She goes, "Thems ain't no big-boy traffic cone."
"Them them baby-boy traffic cone."
"Them--" [in normal voice] My accents are getting worse, I think.
[audience laughs]
I turned her into a Cajun chef.
[in Cajun accent] "You two hangin' around with them baby-boy traffic cone."
"Ain't no big-boy traffic cone."
[in normal voice] I go, "Ila, you got big-boy cones?"
Real confident, she goes, "Size 8."
[audience laughs]
"Is that big?"
"Biggest ones they got." I go, "fucking hook it up."
She goes, "How many you want, big dog?" I go, "Fuck it. Eight."
She looks at LeeAnn and Georgia and goes, "Done, son."
[audience laughs]
I lean in and go, "I can't wait to see the look on your faces
when we fucking kill this."
And we waited
for four days for our traffic cones.
On the fourth day, LeeAnn and Georgia are running errands, I'm home with Ila.
I see the Amazon guy
walk across my front yard with a rack of big-boy traffic cones.
Puts them on the front porch.
Tall as an NBA player.
I got chill bumps.
I was like, "Ila! We fucking killed it!"
[audience laughs]
Ila comes out, sees them in the window and goes,
[in Cajun accent] "Oh!"
"Thems ain't no baby-boy traffic cone."
[audience laughs]
I said, "No." She goes, "Them them big-boy traffic cone!"
"How do you think we should show them to Mom and Georgia?"
She goes, "I think we should block off our street."
[audience laughs]
"Close off our street, Dad. Make them apologize on the corner to us."
[audience laughs]
We're celebrating so hard,
I don't see the Amazon guy walk across our yard
with another rack of eight traffic cones.
No, it's the third rack I see.
That's 24. That's a lot of goddamn traffic cones.
My stomach dropped. I go to the door.
I go, "Buddy, there's gotta be a mistake." He goes, "Oh, no mistake."
"Van's filled with traffic cones."
[audience laughs]
He leaves, Ila comes to the front door and goes,
[in Cajun accent] "Look at all them traffic cones!"
I go, "Lose the accent, Bobby Boucher."
[audience laughs]
"How many traffic cones did you get?"
She goes, "$2,400 worth."
[audience exclaims]
She's like, "Is that a lot?"
I go, "Bitch, road crews don't use that many traffic cones!"
"A hurricane doesn't need that many fucking traffic cones!"
On the fifth rack, Amazon guy said to me with a straight face,
"You guys opening a Chick-fil-A?"
[audience laughing and applauding]
He leaves, and there I am in the front yard with Simple Jack
staring down racks of traffic cones
like dead hookers in the back of a trunk.
[audience laughs]
I'm panicking. She's problem-solving.
She goes, "Don't worry, we'll hide them."
[audience laughs]
I go, "Where are we hiding all of these?" She goes, "We'll dig a hole."
I was like, "Oh, my God."
[audience laughs]
I go, "You don't think mom will notice 70 shallow graves in the front yard?"
[audience laughs]
All of a sudden, I hear LeeAnn's car pull up.
Ila looks at me and goes, "Act cool."
[audience laughs]
Doors open, and LeeAnn and Georgia are cackling like two seagulls.
I hear Georgia go, [in Cajun accent] "Them them big-boy traffic cone."
I turn around, I go, "There's a mistake."
And LeeAnn goes, [in Southern accent] "Size 8, huh?"
"You dummies know eight was the quantity."
"You got 64 traffic cones."
I said, "You knew that and didn't stop us?"
She goes, "Hell yeah, we wanted to see the look on your stupid fucking face."
[audience whooping and applauding]
"Now, both of you, get back on Amazon right now."
I said, "We'll return them." She goes, "Hell no."
"Buy you some oven mitts and duct tape."
[audience laughs]
"You're done on Amazon, boy."
[audience cheering and applauding]
My kids are growing up,
and I don't like it.
I don't like it.
Georgia got caught smoking weed.
[scattered whoops]
Did you sell it to her?
[audience laughs]
I was not as happy as you were, sir.
I was on location shooting a TV show. I get a call from LeeAnn.
She's like, "We got a problem." I said, "What?"
She goes, "Georgia got caught smoking weed." I lost my shit.
I go, "What the fuck? Who gave it to her?"
She goes, "It was your weed." I go, "She's a thief too?"
[audience laughs]
I lost my shit. Like my dad. I lost it.
I go, "I'm gonna fucking light that bitch up."
"You tell her she broke my heart."
"She's a liar and she needs to earn my trust back,
and it'll never happen 'cause I don't trust her anymore."
"And tonight we'll get on FaceTime,
and it will not end until she's fucking crying."
And I hung up the phone.
I was having lunch with Snoop Dogg.
"And tonight we'll get on FaceTime,
And Snoop is looking at me in a panic.
He's just like, "Hey."
"Problems on the home front?"
I said, "Yeah."
"You're probably a good guy to bounce this off of."
[audience laughs]
I go, "My daughter
smoked marijuana."
And Snoop goes,
"That's it?"
[audience laughs]
I go, "She's 15, Snoop."
He goes, "How old were you first time you smoked?"
I go, "That's irrelevant."
[audience laughs]
"It was a different time." He goes, "It was illegal, dummy."
[audience laughs]
He goes, "You're going to light that bitch up for just smoking weed?"
I said, "Yeah. That's how I parent."
He goes, "I ain't gonna let that happen."
"Not to my niece."
[audience laughs]
"You ain't gonna light her up tonight, I'll tell you that now."
He goes, "What's happening with you, Bert, is your little girl's growing up,
and it's fucking up your heart as a man and as a daddy."
"And you're gonna take all that grown-man energy
and dump it on that little girl, and it's gonna break her heart."
"And she won't trust you 'cause you'll look like a hypocrite."
"It's gonna cause a fracture in your relationship."
I go, "Wait, when the fuck did you turn into a doctor?"
[audience laughs]
He goes, "Tonight, after work,
I want you to come by my trailer."
"I'm gonna cool you the fuck down."
[audience laughs]
I said, "What do you mean?"
He goes, "You know what I mean."
I said, "I'm just asking."
He goes, "Playa..." And he comes in real close with that pimp drawl of his.
He goes,
"Playa,
we's gonna take a shower."
[audience laughs]
I said, "What the fuck did you say?"
[audience laughs]
He goes, "Bitch, you heard me. And don't tell nobody neither."
He gets up, and he leaves, I'm like, "I won't invite more people
to take a shower with me and Snoop Dogg."
What the-- I was in a panic, I called LeeAnn right back, I go,
"Snoop wants to shower with me."
She goes, "Honey, he didn't say that. It's gotta be hip-hop slang."
"You gonna be at his place."
"There'll be hoes you spray champagne on. You'll have a better time."
[audience laughs]
I was like, "That's probably what it is." So I go over to his trailer.
Knock on the door, after work. Shirt's off, swear to God.
Opens the door and he goes, "I knew you'd show up."
And it's just him in his trailer.
I said, "Really?" He goes, "Yeah, white boys love this shit."
Which is kind of true. We do love gay shit. Like...
[audience laughs]
If I could sneak around and put my dick on his shoulder, he'd be like, "Got me."
[audience laughs]
We love gay shit.
It's our love language to our friends. It really is.
Hardest I ever made Tommy laugh, Tom Segura, a disabled comedian who, uh...
[audience laughs]
- I don't know if you know who he is. - [audience cheering and applauding
Disabled comedian who can't do that. Um...
Hardest I ever made Tommy laugh,
I put my dick and balls in a wine glass in Hawaii,
and went up behind him and I went, "Cocktail?"
[audience laughs]
We love gay shit.
So he's accurate. And I go, "Hold on."
I go, "I really have never done this, Snoop."
And he goes, "Bullshit."
I said, "Well, I have in high school and in college, but..."
I go, "You do this?"
He goes, "Yeah, sometimes. With friends."
I said, "Like who?" He goes, "I did it with Dr. Dre two weeks ago."
I was like, "You and Doc-- Did you do it at the same time?"
He goes, "That's the only way to do it. What the fuck's wrong with you?"
"I thought you were cool, Bert." And I was like, "No, I'm very cool."
"I'm cool." And I start walking to his bathroom.
[audience laughs]
And Snoop goes, "Where the fuck are you going?"
[audience laughs]
I said, "I'm going to your shower."
He goes, "Why?"
[audience laughs]
I said, "You said we was gonna take a shower."
He said, "Bitch, I said we was gonna take a shot."
[audience laughs]
I went, "Oh, my God, that's so much better."
[audience laughs]
"I thought you said we'd take a shower. Let's take a shot."
And Snoop's not laughing, he goes, "I don't wanna take a shot no more."
[audience laughs]
"I think I wanna be alone right now."
[audience laughs]
He goes, "You came over here to shower?" I said, "Well, it was your idea."
He goes, "No, it fucking wasn't."
"Even if it was my idea, you showed the fuck up?"
I was like, "Well, I was really upset."
He goes, "Wait. If I didn't stop you, where the fuck would you be?"
[audience laughs]
I said, "In your shower."
[audience laughs]
He said, "Doing what?" I said, "Waiting for you?"
[audience laughs]
Snoop Dogg reaches into his pocket,
pulls out a blunt, lights it, hits it, he goes,
"Fuck you, I know why your daughter smokes weed, Bert."
[audience laughing and applauding]
Hey, can someone on my team grab me a towel real quick?
I'm sweating my dick off.
Dude, Florida sweat is fucking different.
[woman] Yes, it is!
If you didn't grow up with this, and you come here,
you're like "What's up with your goddamn city?"
And you're like, "Why?" Your balls dripping into your shoe?"
Your balls drip sweat, it's amazing.
Any shirt will do.
Just take the shirt off your body and give it to me.
[audience laughs]
I have one more story I wanna tell you, and I...
It's a doozy.
[audience laughs]
Thank you, Kyle. Ladies and gentlemen, Kyle, ex-military.
[audience cheering and applauding]
Get ready.
[audience laughs]
We put our dog down.
- [audience] Aww. - [laughs]
It gets funnier, okay?
[audience laughs]
She was a great dog.
She really was.
Priscilla was her name. First big dog I ever had. Bullmastiff.
Best goddamn dog. I remember the first night we got her.
You know when you get a puppy, they're nervous and they're scared and...
But they're home, and you need to tell them that.
And everyone's playing with her, but she's just off by a little bit.
Girls go to bed, LeeAnn goes to bed. I stay up drinking whiskey with this dog.
And I'm drunk-talking to her, you know?
Just like...
I remember saying to her... [laughs]
I said, "Baby girl, you're about to have the best life."
"You have nothing to be nervous about."
"Those little girls will love the shit out of you day and night."
"That woman in there will take care of your every need."
"Me, I'm gonna be in and out, but..."
[audience laughs]
I said, "Here's the deal I need from you."
"For all that stuff, all I need is when I'm gone,
I need you to be my terrorist."
[audience laughs]
"Anyone walks through that door, you have to give your life."
"You die first, then they die."
[audience laughs]
And this puppy closed her eyes,
put her head on my lap and went, "I'm home."
- [audience] Aww. - [clicks tongue]
You ever get so high...
[audience laughs]
...you cuddle with your dog and your dick get hard?
[audience laughing]
Me either.
[audience laughs]
No one? Okay, one time. One time.
One time, I-- You did too, don't you?
I took way too many edibles at night, woke up the next morning still high.
Priscilla gets in bed with me, I am cuddling so hard with her.
I didn't even realize my dick was hard.
LeeAnn came in, saw it, goes, "Who's that hard dick for?"
And I could not stop laughing.
[audience laughs]
And I just went, "Priscilla."
"She's the only one that makes my dick hard."
LeeAnn hated that joke.
I would do it every morning when I saw her in the kitchen.
I'd come out and pet Priscilla and go,
"You know you're the only one that makes my dick hard."
LeeAnn would be like, "Stop it. That's not funny, that's gross."
That's why I did it.
[audience laughs]
We bought a new dog, another bullmastiff, Mac.
Not the greatest dog.
He's a great dog. I love him.
But he's kind of a whore, and he's stupid as fuck.
And he loves my dick. I mean, this dog,
if he sees my dick, he's like, "Uh, that's mine."
"I'm eating that today." He--
You can't even jerk off in front of this dog.
Priscilla? You go to jerk off, she'd walk outside,
and be like, "I'll let you do your thing."
Mac sees you jerking off, he gets right next to you, like, "Whoa!"
"Ah!"
"Oh! Okay. Oh! Ah!"
[audience laughs]
"Are you gonna throw that stick or what?"
[audience laughs]
I was having sex with LeeAnn one time, doggy-style.
I thought he'd appreciate it.
[audience laughs]
Smack her on the ass.
And I realize at that moment that is her dog, not my dog.
[audience laughs]
He fucking lit up, just-- [barks]
And I popped out of LeeAnn...
[audience laughs]
...with this pheromone stick floating around.
His eyes go in the back of his head, he goes, "I'm eating that today."
- [audience laughs] - I'm panicked.
I got this 150-pound beast on the bed,
the dog's coming at me.
I don't know what to do.
[audience laughs]
Good. Everyone got it?
[audience laughs]
So, one morning,
Priscilla wakes up, she's having a hard time breathing.
Take her to the vet.
The vet says to us, "Uh, it's not good."
"She has a tumor on her heart."
"We have to put her down." Now, here's the deal.
I grew up, like a lot of the men in this room,
with a father who taught me not to cry.
Anytime I cried as a young man, he'd say, "Hey, don't be a bitch."
"Suck it up. Be a fucking man."
"I don't wanna see you fucking crying."
When I had daughters, I remember my dad pulling me aside and going,
"Hey, don't ever let your daughters see you cry."
"They need to know that they're safe,
and that you're in charge and have stuff under control."
"If you have to cry, God forbid, you go into the closet, go into a shower."
"You get that shit out. Then you come out and handle your shit."
It's not healthy. We know that now.
[audience laughs]
But inversely, what I do when I get emotional,
like a lot of the guys in this room, I make a joke.
Because if I laugh, I stop crying.
Wasn't very useful in the vet's office.
[audience laughs]
He says, "We'll have to put her down."
LeeAnn starts crying, and I start thinking of jokes.
LeeAnn goes, "We gonna do it here?" He goes, "You can do it at home."
And I go, "You want me to do it?"
[audience laughs]
I go, "What, do I throw her in the pool?"
[audience laughs]
This guy has put down a lot of dogs,
and he's never heard anyone reply with a joke.
That's the best time to deliver a joke.
He is crying laughing.
[audience laughs]
He can't even find-- He's like, "No. No, no, no."
I go, "Do I put a pillow over her snout and wait till her tail stops wagging?"
"Lift it up and drop it like the old wrestling moves?"
Now he's crying laughing and he's like, "Hold on. Stop. No."
"I have a woman who will kill her for you."
I went, "What?"
[audience laughs]
He's like, "Now, you got me doing it, you sick fuck!"
[audience laughs]
I remember saying to him, "Is she good?"
[audience laughs]
He goes, "There's no gray area. They either kill 'em or don't kill 'em."
[audience laughs]
He goes, "You tell me your definition of good."
[audience laughs]
I say, "She breaks into my house at 2:30 in the morning."
[audience laughs]
"Kills that dog while we sleep, then she grabs my other animals,
sedates them, superglues their paws together,
puts them in a prayer circle around her."
[audience laughs]
"That's how we find her in the morning."
And he goes, "Fuck, that is good."
[audience laughs]
LeeAnn looks at me and goes, "This shit ends right now."
[audience laughs]
So, we call the girls ahead of time.
Not a great call. Not my favorite call I've ever made.
But the girls were awesome.
They really were. No jokes about them in this story.
They were really great. Very proud of them.
They went into their bedrooms, pulled off their mattresses,
and brought them in the living room. Put them in between the couches,
so Pris had a place to sleep.
And they stayed up with that dog all night long.
Told her stories of when she was a puppy.
They told her their favorite things about her.
They cried, they processed emotions. LeeAnn cried with them. Not me.
[scattered laughter]
I didn't cry.
I sat in my recliner, and I drank whiskey.
And I got angry.
I was looking at-- We have one dog that should've died three years ago.
[audience laughs]
You know the dog.
Twenty-one years old, can't see, can't hear.
Walks in the living room at 2:00 a.m., just...
[audience laughing]
[high-pitched bark]
[audience laughs]
- [barking] - [audience laughing]
You can't even pick it up because it doesn't know you're there.
You try, she goes...
[growling]
The whole time, I'm like, "It should've been you, Mona."
[audience laughs]
Wake up the next morning, LeeAnn looks me and goes, "It's time."
"You need to call the lady now." So I go out back.
I'm still not right in my head.
I remember just calling and going, "You the bitch that kill dogs?"
[audience laughs]
She goes, "You got that bitch."
She was cold.
She goes, "What breed is it, sir?"
I was like, "Does it matter?"
"You're just killing it."
She goes, "What breed is it, sir?"
"Really?" I go, "Bullmastiff."
She goes, "Okay, 45 minutes. I'll be there."
And hangs up.
I was like, "I didn't even get to say, 'Take your time.'"
She shows up 45 minutes later, and she brings her boyfriend,
which I thought was odd.
[audience laughs]
I kind of thought, were they having lunch,
she took the call and was like, "Hold on."
"Hey, I got to go kill a dog. Do you wanna come?"
[audience laughs]
And he was like, "Wait, what breed is it?"
[audience laughs]
He doesn't even introduce himself.
He just sits in LeeAnn's office chair in our living room
and watches.
She gives Pris a shot
to make her feel better.
I know you've been there.
That's the most heartbreaking moment of the whole experience,
is this dog, who has struggled all night holding on to life,
all of a sudden has a moment of relief and is like...
[inhales then whoops] "I'm back, baby!"
"I'm feeling great! Who wants to go for a walk, huh?"
"You guys thought I was gonna die. I'm not dying today."
"You jerking off? I'm gonna go out back." This dog...
[audience laughs]
Then she got up to get on the couch and she collapsed.
And LeeAnn looked at me and was like, "We're doing the right thing."
So we put Pris on the couch.
Lady says, "Now is when you want to say goodbye to your dog."
Oh...
Heartbreaking.
Here's the crazy thing, as a parent, sometimes you sacrifice
so that your kids get the better thing, and your spouse.
You give up what you need
so that they can have a better experience in life, but you're still a person.
And in that moment,
I remember being upset that I didn't have a good spot on the dog to say goodbye.
[audience laughs]
'Cause all the girls and LeeAnn were in Pris' face
telling her how much they loved her,
and I'm just rubbing an ass haunch in the back.
[audience laughs]
She doesn't even know I'm there.
I'm like to dude in the orgy jerking off in the corner...
[audience laughs]
Lady comes in
with the next shot.
Gives it to Pris,
Pris passes, last thing she sees are my girls and my wife
telling her they love her.
I didn't say goodbye to my dog,
which is fine 'cause, in my book, at least I didn't cry.
Things settle a little bit, boyfriend comes over.
He's like, "Hey, I'm Nick." I was like...
[audience laughs]
"It's a little late for that, Nick."
[audience laughs]
He says, "Hey, man, can you help me get your dog to our Jeep?"
And I realized why she brought the boyfriend.
In a minute it all fucking falls--
I then realized why she asked the breed.
You know early in her career she neglected to ask the breed to a family,
killed their dog,
and was standing over a Saint Bernard, like...
[audience laughs]
"I should've killed this closer to the car."
[audience laughs]
I hadn't cried yet, and this is what got me.
For men, it's always the thing you don't expect that breaks you.
When Priscilla died, she shit on the couch.
[audience laughs]
The dude goes to lift her up to put her on the gurney,
and as he puts his hand
under it, he sticks his arm in the shit.
It's hot. It's in his watch, and he goes, "Oh, fuck!"
"Your dog shit on the couch!"
She's my dog. I went to defend her. I go, "It's okay, baby girl."
And as I rubbed her head, I realized--
Bullmastiffs have a very wrinkly forehead,
and there were no wrinkles there.
[woman] Aww.
[laughs then sobs softly]
Hold on. [laughs sadly]
Hold on, guys don't cry well.
We don't do it well. Women, you're good with that.
Guys cry the way women shit their pants.
[audience laughs]
Women don't shit their pants cool. Guys shit their pants slick, with dignity.
A guy will be like, "Whoa, I shit my pants."
"Don't let her take my wings. I'll be right back."
[audience laughs]
Woman shits her pants and the day is over. She's like, "I just shit my pants!"
"I have a thong on. It's in both my high heels!"
[audience laughs]
So I start crying like a woman shitting her pants,
and it's coming out everywhere.
I grabbed the gurney, and as I lift it up I'm looking at this dude, who's gagging.
He's got shit all over him.
It's a weird time to start crying.
And I feel my daughters put their hand on my back.
And they rub my back, and they walk with me.
And as we walk outside, I find out
that my daughters know that the only way to get me to stop crying
is to make me laugh.
As we walked out our front door,
the guy goes, "We'll put her in the back of the Jeep."
And Georgia, with a straight face, looks at him and goes,
"She usually rides up front."
[audience laughing]
I'm looking at this guy, who is confused as fuck.
[audience laughs]
He goes, "Uh, I was gonna ride up front."
[audience laughs]
She doesn't break, she goes, "She gets carsick."
[audience laughs]
This guy is fucking-- "Uh..."
"We'll drive real slow."
[audience laughs]
Put Priscilla in the back of the Jeep.
Dude moves off to the side, and the girls step back.
And I realize they're letting me say goodbye to my dog.
[sobs softly]
I'm cool sharing this 'cause I know we've all been there.
They're so fucking good.
I just leaned over this dog. She looked so beautiful.
And I said, "Baby girl, I love you."
"You did everything that was ever asked of you."
"You're the best goddamn dog."
"You did your job. You were the best fucking terrorist ever."
[audience laughs]
And this guy's off to the side going...
[audience laughs]
"She was a terrorist?"
[audience laughs]
Georgia's in the pocket, She goes, "Better than ISIS."
[audience laughs]
And then I start running through all the nicknames,
all the inside jokes I had with my dog, I said, "Pris Potamus Pot Pie."
"I'm not gonna cut your ears off."
I used to tell her, "Those are my ears."
"When you die, I'm cutting them off and keeping them."
Now, I'm looking at this beautiful dog going,
"You would look so silly without ears."
"You wouldn't make any friends in heaven. I'm not cutting your fucking ears off."
And this guy is like a statue, he's like, "What the fuck did he just say?"
[audience laughs]
"He was gonna cut her ears off."
And Ila goes, "Technically they're his ears."
[audience laughs]
Then LeeAnn comes out, and the woman that murdered her comes out.
They're all standing around me,
and the last thing I say as I Iook at this dog is,
"Baby girl, you still make my dick hard."
[audience laughs]
"My dick's so hard right now."
I hear LeeAnn laughing, going,
"She's the only one that makes your dick hard, baby."
These two are fucking frozen.
Ila comes up, puts her hand on my back and goes,
"Big guy, it's okay."
Then she looks at the couple and goes, "If she wakes up, you'll call us, right?"
[audience laughs]
That's my fucking dream team right there.
[audience cheering and applauding]
["Ramblin" playing]
Thank you so much!
God bless. Good night!
♪ Well, I was born with a travelin' bone ♪
♪ Can't hang around for too long ♪
♪ Been followin' that long white line ♪
♪ Coast to coast, new town every night ♪
♪ I was born to ramble ♪
♪ I got that travelin' bone ♪
♪ Well, I was born to ramble ♪
♪ So, I'll keep ramblin' on ♪
♪ Well, I've seen Boston, San Antone ♪
♪ Kansas City, just a-rollin' along ♪
♪ Oklahoma, Tennessee Louisiana, New Orleans ♪
♪ I was born to ramble ♪
♪ I got that travelin' bone ♪
♪ Well, I was born to ramble ♪
♪ So, I'll keep on ramblin' on ♪
♪ Don't get me wrong I love where I'm from ♪
♪ I got a beautiful woman Waitin' on me back home ♪
♪ Don't take for granted my family ♪
♪ But a ramblin' fever got a hold of me ♪
♪ 'Cause I was born to ramble ♪
♪ I got that travelin' bone ♪
♪ Well, I was born to ramble ♪
♪ So, I'll keep on ramblin' on ♪
♪ Well, I was born to ramble ♪
♪ I'll keep on ramblin' on ♪
[song ends]