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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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各位先生女士

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伯特克萊歇爾

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《伯特克萊歇爾:鴻運當頭》

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回家的感覺真好

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沒有胖到幹你娘的感覺也很好

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我還是很胖,不過...

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肥肉遠離我一段時間了

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我掉了20公斤

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對啊

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你們一定不會相信,我因為瘦很多

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所以前幾天晚上能看到老婆吸我老二

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親眼所見

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我看到了,吸血魔傳說是真的

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我嚇死了

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我往下看,以前看到游泳圈
結果我說:“搞屁啊?”

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結果她也嚇到

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我叫AI助理開房間的燈

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結果真後悔看到

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想像中比較美

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人太胖時最好關燈做

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別往肚子那邊看
太往前靠會拉在床上

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我聽了很多年,越聽越爽,那聲音...

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就像夏天很熱時,媽媽狂舔冰淇淋

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像這樣...

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然後我看到了

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就像有人第一次喝波霸奶茶...

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很怕,因為知道有東西
會衝向喉嚨,但不知何時

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我愛我老婆

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她50...

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剛才講時差點吐

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53歲

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我告訴你們,寶貝

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我每次跟她做

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就發現我從來沒幹過這麼老的人

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而且我喜歡,所以才恐怖

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你如果在我18歲時,給我看我老婆

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現在的裸照,我會說

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“我是坐輪椅嗎?”

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等到你上過停經的馬子

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你才會說:“幹,爽”

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就像用了20年的舊棒球手套

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味道很香,手指套進去剛好

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如果你手指伸進去說
“怎麼這麼大?”

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因為用很久了

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縐折的位置恰到好處

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而且你拿來操練過25年

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我幹起來沒辦法跟你們一樣

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你們幹起來都是酒味

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我不要

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我要更年期的馬子,就像一杯威士忌

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真男人的專利,你們不行

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口感複雜、煙燻、濃醇

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我不知道做完後要跟20歲美眉說啥

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“你可以滑平板15分鐘”

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我需要睡覺會流汗的馬子

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幹,會流汗哦

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我老婆跟黑人牧師傳教時一樣多汗

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早上抱她就像抱海豚,又濕又...

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她的奶子很臭

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她的奶子很美,只是會臭

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有天早上我在撇條

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她聞自己的奶罩
我說:“你他媽幹嘛?”

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她說:“味道不對”

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是能有多臭呢?

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臭到就像曲棍球手套...

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“趕快洗奶子,不然我最愛你的奶”

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他們給她吃...

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給她吃睪固酮和黃體素
我不能告訴你們,不過...

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我不知道有什麼療效,但我告訴你們

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她變得超淫蕩

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拚命操我,好像要把愛滋傳給我

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這個女人

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就像為了綠卡,拚命打砲

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她打給我說:“想打色情電話嗎?”

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我說:“幹你娘,當然要”

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我已經想要20年了

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“上巡演車後打給我”

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我一路衝...

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一邊勃起一邊跑

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你們知道有多難嗎?

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不知道強暴犯怎麼辦到的

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然後享受色情電話的樂趣

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對象是沒看過A片的53歲女人

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她也不知道怎麼調角度

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把手機橫放在枕頭上

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我看到一個小奶頭和吊扇

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而且那時要用點手段,別惹她

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因為你的大腦在想
“盤腿坐,我要看屄!”

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但不能這樣講
要說:“手機可以放直嗎?

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放腳跟那裡,讓我能往上看

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看到你的妹妹?”

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她說:“你想看我的妹妹?”

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我說:“我沒這麼說”

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她說:“想看我的下面嗎?”

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我說:“夠了,現在別講話”

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她說:“我知道你想看我磨豆漿”

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我說:“慢慢來,桃莉芭頓”

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她開始自摸時,我說:“好,磨豆漿”

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不管你要怎麼講,多多益善

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然後她跟我說:“我要看你”

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我說:“沒人這樣玩的

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我放下面這裡,看我的臉就好”

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她說:“我看不到你就不摸”

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那是我這輩子最丟臉的三分鐘

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我把手機放直的

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離我快1公尺,我盯著上面的小框框

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看著自己...

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FaceTime視訊有一個新功能

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不知道你們有沒有看過
但你只要用大拇指比讚

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軟體會自動冒出“讚”圖案

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我的龜頭在我手裡,看起來就像比讚

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所以好像我在重擊螢幕...

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我們太老了,她說:“有人在看嗎?”

116
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我他媽哪知道:“我在直播嗎?”

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“老婆,觀眾超愛的,真的超愛

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沒人想看這傢伙的性愛影片

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但管他的”

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只有大媽和大叔在搞

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“我會爬耶,吉伯特”

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我有戴老花眼鏡

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你知道影片外流的話有多丟臉嗎?

124
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我看起來就像悲情水手...

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奶子碰肚子

126
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您有老花眼鏡嗎?

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你有老花眼鏡...

128
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老人的玩意兒

129
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老人的玩意兒

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我非得戴老花眼鏡,我抗拒了很久

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後來出了意外

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我送大女兒上大學

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旅行社傳簡訊說

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“我有兩台卡車,日產和凱迪拉克”

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我不熟日產的車,所以回覆

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“我要大一點的車”

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你們知道

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鍵盤上的

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字母B

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就在字母N的旁邊嗎?

141
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我對一個黑人女性

142
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傳簡訊說:“我要黑鬼的車”

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我一慌就拿給女兒看

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她說:“你他媽跟她講什麼?”

145
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還好對方沒發飆:“那就凱迪拉克”

146
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我再也不打“大一點”了

147
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寧願打:“比較大”

148
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黎安幫我買老花眼鏡
她現在都陪我看醫生

149
00:09:08,506 --> 00:09:09,966
老人才這樣

150
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老婆還會幫你做筆記

151
00:09:13,594 --> 00:09:15,220
我去看心臟科

152
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她說:“他沒說你說他說的話”

153
00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:19,850
結果醫生真的沒說

154
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我只是跟她說我想聽的

155
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我能搞定醫生

156
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我逗他笑,他忘記講什麼就會給我藥

157
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我跟她進去,他問我怎麼減肥

158
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我說:“我把體重計換成公斤制”

159
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黎安說:“別鬧了”
我說:“這樣才能拿到贊安諾”

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她帶我去買老花眼鏡,由她挑

161
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我戴老花眼鏡後,看起來真他媽帥

162
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我在家裡戴起來,躺在床上等她

163
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她走進來就說:“靠,你戴眼鏡真帥”

164
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我說:“婊子,吸我的屌”

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她進來吻我

166
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我才發現我他媽十年
沒看過這個女人的高畫質版了

167
00:10:04,186 --> 00:10:06,438
我踩爛眼鏡,挽救婚姻

168
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:07,981
現在是這樣...

169
00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:08,898
不對,幹你娘

170
00:10:08,899 --> 00:10:11,651
我愛她,你們知道我愛她,真的

171
00:10:11,652 --> 00:10:14,655
她敢外遇,我就殺她,這是真愛吧?

172
00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:18,242
我也會殺了女兒,我不要當單親爸爸

173
00:10:19,952 --> 00:10:20,869
重新來過

174
00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:24,165
她死的話我能拿到200萬,搞屁啊?

175
00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:27,126
你如果知道能買艘船

176
00:10:28,502 --> 00:10:30,921
還會在送葬時難過嗎?

177
00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:39,679
是這樣的

178
00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:42,849
跟我們同病相憐的人,小孩上大學

179
00:10:42,850 --> 00:10:45,101
自己變老,告訴你們婚姻幸福祕訣

180
00:10:45,102 --> 00:10:47,063
我每天早上都這樣,真的

181
00:10:47,563 --> 00:10:49,940
我一早就會找老婆,不管她在哪裡

182
00:10:50,524 --> 00:10:53,943
我什麼都不說,就上前抱緊她

183
00:10:53,944 --> 00:10:56,154
然後低頭親她

184
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她會抬頭看我、回親我

185
00:10:58,282 --> 00:11:00,743
那一刻能讓我想起

186
00:11:01,327 --> 00:11:03,579
當時娶的那個女人

187
00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:05,164
沒錯

188
00:11:05,873 --> 00:11:07,540
各位男士有聽到歡呼聲嗎?

189
00:11:07,541 --> 00:11:10,878
因為女生知道抬頭看等於自然拉皮

190
00:11:12,254 --> 00:11:15,800
如果抓她的耳朵往後拉
你就知道:“她在這裡!”

191
00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:19,303
她就是在水上摩托車吸老二的馬子

192
00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:22,389
她以前會,她是鄉巴佬

193
00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:23,766
誰幹過鄉巴佬?

194
00:11:24,266 --> 00:11:27,019
就像在抓山豬,他媽超瘋的

195
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:30,439
會用鏟子教訓狗的那種鄉巴佬

196
00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:34,568
她爸爸支持白人至上思想,就這麼扯

197
00:11:35,194 --> 00:11:36,362
她超級鄉巴佬的

198
00:11:36,862 --> 00:11:39,031
她有兩個表兄妹

199
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:40,950
結婚了

200
00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:44,161
而且還生一個小孩

201
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:49,542
我女兒艾拉聽到後說:“怎麼可以?”

202
00:11:50,751 --> 00:11:54,922
我最愛的老婆對我們面無表情...

203
00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:58,342
我他媽遲早要把這句話印在T恤上

204
00:11:58,968 --> 00:12:01,637
她看著我們,面無表情,說:“靠

205
00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:04,473
他們是姻親,不是血親”

206
00:12:11,605 --> 00:12:13,774
你知道我們在講亂倫吧

207
00:12:15,151 --> 00:12:17,153
結果她說:“他們是姻親

208
00:12:17,903 --> 00:12:19,405
不是血親”?

209
00:12:20,531 --> 00:12:21,907
我見過他們的小孩

210
00:12:25,369 --> 00:12:26,579
一看就是血親

211
00:12:27,705 --> 00:12:29,706
他媽的血親到爆,血到破表

212
00:12:29,707 --> 00:12:31,417
“舅舅,吃飽沒?”

213
00:12:31,959 --> 00:12:34,253
這個傻子用嘴呼吸,還舔窗戶

214
00:12:35,045 --> 00:12:38,591
我沒看過比他笨的人
我還是在盧茨鎮長大的,好嗎?

215
00:12:46,515 --> 00:12:48,141
我去阿拉巴馬州一個碼頭

216
00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:51,728
夕陽西下,我脫掉上衣
手拿雞尾酒,享受得很

217
00:12:51,729 --> 00:12:54,190
突然聞到小小鄉巴佬的味道

218
00:12:55,816 --> 00:12:57,276
芝多司和橘子汽水

219
00:12:59,069 --> 00:13:01,447
我看過去,一個低能兒看著我

220
00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:05,701
他說:“先生

221
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:09,288
把我丟進水裡”

222
00:13:16,337 --> 00:13:17,755
我說:“直接跳啊”

223
00:13:19,256 --> 00:13:21,258
他說:“不要

224
00:13:22,218 --> 00:13:23,761
把我丟進水裡”

225
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,639
我說:“小老弟,你往前靠

226
00:13:27,223 --> 00:13:28,098
就可以了”

227
00:13:29,266 --> 00:13:30,141
後來他笑

228
00:13:30,142 --> 00:13:32,937
“別這樣啦,先生,用摔角姿勢

229
00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:34,479
把我丟進水裡”

230
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:36,106
我說:“靠,丟給你看”

231
00:13:37,107 --> 00:13:38,983
我有兩個女兒,不能整她們

232
00:13:38,984 --> 00:13:40,528
所以我要整死這小子

233
00:13:41,028 --> 00:13:42,821
我要讓他喘不過氣

234
00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:45,157
你們會聽到小朋友最美妙的聲音

235
00:13:51,121 --> 00:13:54,749
前五名最好聽的聲音
第一名是女人...不對

236
00:13:54,750 --> 00:13:57,586
第一名是聾人的笑聲,他媽的最讚

237
00:13:58,087 --> 00:14:01,382
那是充滿愛的聲音
充滿歡樂、放縱、一刀未剪

238
00:14:03,050 --> 00:14:04,176
不含吩坦尼

239
00:14:06,053 --> 00:14:09,056
兩個聾人笑起來,就像在踢鴿子

240
00:14:10,432 --> 00:14:13,644
說個秘密,我有一次住旅館
隔壁間有兩個聾人打砲

241
00:14:15,312 --> 00:14:16,897
我射了兩次

242
00:14:18,023 --> 00:14:18,857
真的

243
00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:20,942
我以為他們在搶披薩

244
00:14:20,943 --> 00:14:21,902
反正...

245
00:14:22,736 --> 00:14:25,238
我抓著這隻肥豬的喉嚨,翻過來

246
00:14:25,239 --> 00:14:26,990
背對湖水,把他舉起來

247
00:14:26,991 --> 00:14:28,868
送葬者喉輪落招式,就...

248
00:14:29,618 --> 00:14:32,120
我正要推時,聽到他媽在屋裡喊

249
00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:33,998
“他不會游泳!”

250
00:14:35,499 --> 00:14:37,793
這個《人鼠之間》裡的雞巴藍尼

251
00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:40,879
忘了自己還沒學會游泳

252
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:44,466
現在我就像上帝現身
“去死,你這個孽種”

253
00:14:45,384 --> 00:14:47,928
《真情電波》掉進水,不見了

254
00:14:49,263 --> 00:14:52,516
現在所有的媽媽都說
“伯特,快救那個小朋友!”

255
00:14:53,309 --> 00:14:55,895
我有想過:“也許這是物競天擇”

256
00:14:56,979 --> 00:14:58,397
但我還是救了他

257
00:14:59,523 --> 00:15:00,524
他是姻親

258
00:15:02,026 --> 00:15:03,777
靠,他是自己的姻親

259
00:15:04,445 --> 00:15:06,113
我把他拖到淺水區

260
00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:09,490
我沒聽過小朋友講過更好的句子

261
00:15:09,491 --> 00:15:10,409
猜猜看

262
00:15:12,661 --> 00:15:13,495
不對...

263
00:15:14,288 --> 00:15:15,122
不對

264
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:16,665
不對

265
00:15:17,541 --> 00:15:19,084
“我不會游泳”

266
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,754
我說:“廢話,雞巴臉

267
00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:25,424
所以我們兩個都濕了,知道吧?”

268
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:29,219
他說:“先生,我以為我有圍救生圈”

269
00:15:30,387 --> 00:15:33,599
我好難過,因為我有經驗
我說:“那是你的奶”

270
00:15:35,309 --> 00:15:37,477
然後他媽媽過來罵他一頓

271
00:15:37,478 --> 00:15:40,147
“我不知道他是怎麼了”,我說...

272
00:15:42,066 --> 00:15:44,192
黎安跑來吼我,因為顯然

273
00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:46,987
我下水前沒把口袋裡的電子煙拿出來

274
00:15:48,238 --> 00:15:50,657
然後她們走開
只剩我跟他,水高及胸

275
00:15:50,658 --> 00:15:52,576
就像雜交時的兩根軟屌

276
00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:56,580
他看著我說:“先生,對不起

277
00:15:57,498 --> 00:15:59,249
我不是故意要闖禍

278
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:02,920
可是如果我圍上救生圈

279
00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:06,090
你願意把我丟下水嗎?”

280
00:16:07,758 --> 00:16:10,386
我說:“我在這世界上最想幹的事

281
00:16:10,886 --> 00:16:13,430
就是嗨一整天,然後把你丟進水裡”

282
00:16:13,931 --> 00:16:16,724
他每次走到碼頭邊,我都會笑

283
00:16:16,725 --> 00:16:18,227
因為他會說:“等等”

284
00:16:19,561 --> 00:16:20,521
圍上了

285
00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:24,525
靠,這小子能活著真是運氣

286
00:16:25,526 --> 00:16:27,485
我是全天下運氣最好的人

287
00:16:27,486 --> 00:16:31,280
我現在告訴你們
我沒資格擁有現在的任何東西

288
00:16:31,281 --> 00:16:33,741
老婆漂亮、女兒漂亮...

289
00:16:33,742 --> 00:16:35,703
我...我運氣好到

290
00:16:36,203 --> 00:16:38,372
你跟我出去也會走運

291
00:16:38,914 --> 00:16:40,957
我對天發誓,我運氣好到

292
00:16:40,958 --> 00:16:44,085
如果你掉了東西,我一定找得回來

293
00:16:44,086 --> 00:16:46,838
我在場就能找到,跟你講兩個故事

294
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:49,716
一個算前菜,讓你們知道意思

295
00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:52,177
另一個才進入正題

296
00:16:53,053 --> 00:16:53,971
前菜故事

297
00:16:54,471 --> 00:16:57,056
13年前,我跟黎安帶女兒去海邊

298
00:16:57,057 --> 00:16:59,392
我們在越野機車夫妻和黑人夫妻中間

299
00:16:59,393 --> 00:17:02,271
叫他們“越野機車”
因為是白人又全身刺青

300
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:05,858
對

301
00:17:06,358 --> 00:17:07,443
你怎麼說的?

302
00:17:17,327 --> 00:17:18,954
這次表演太順利了

303
00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:22,665
那個黑人先生...

304
00:17:22,666 --> 00:17:25,418
那個黑人先生抖掉毯子上的沙

305
00:17:25,419 --> 00:17:27,420
結婚戒指飛出去,他說

306
00:17:27,421 --> 00:17:29,088
“靠,結婚戒指掉了”

307
00:17:29,089 --> 00:17:31,717
一聽到“掉了”兩個字,我就勃起了

308
00:17:32,426 --> 00:17:33,634
我知道我有超能力

309
00:17:33,635 --> 00:17:36,138
我站起來說:“我叫伯特克萊歇爾

310
00:17:37,306 --> 00:17:38,932
最會找失物”

311
00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:43,270
黎安說:“靠,又來了

312
00:17:43,979 --> 00:17:46,022
他要找你的結婚戒指

313
00:17:46,023 --> 00:17:48,734
你得忍受他等一下整你”

314
00:17:49,693 --> 00:17:52,028
越野機車夫妻
黑人夫妻、我家人開始找

315
00:17:52,029 --> 00:17:54,030
30分鐘後,他們放棄了

316
00:17:54,031 --> 00:17:56,282
只剩我跟黑人老兄跪在地上

317
00:17:56,283 --> 00:17:58,451
像《閃亮的馬鞍》裡的黑白配

318
00:17:58,452 --> 00:17:59,995
好爛的例子

319
00:18:02,206 --> 00:18:05,249
找了30分鐘,他放棄說:“找不到了”

320
00:18:05,250 --> 00:18:07,460
我說:“找不到的是你

321
00:18:07,461 --> 00:18:08,962
我叫伯特克萊歇爾

322
00:18:09,463 --> 00:18:12,132
最會找失物,千萬別忘記”

323
00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:17,428
他坐下來,我一個人找了大概五分鐘

324
00:18:17,429 --> 00:18:20,181
我的手指在沙子上摸過去時

325
00:18:20,182 --> 00:18:25,978
他的結婚戒指滑進我的手指,就像神

326
00:18:25,979 --> 00:18:29,608
放在那邊,然後說
“別讓他們忘記你是誰...

327
00:18:31,610 --> 00:18:32,986
還有你的超能力”

328
00:18:34,363 --> 00:18:36,490
我起了雞皮疙瘩,靜靜站著

329
00:18:36,990 --> 00:18:38,991
沒人看我,我看著越野機車男

330
00:18:38,992 --> 00:18:41,953
“你的手機有谷歌嗎?”,他說:“有”

331
00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:44,623
我說:“你搜伯特克萊歇爾
看上面寫他的能力”

332
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:47,960
黎安說:“靠,他找到你的婚戒了”

333
00:18:49,294 --> 00:18:52,256
越野機車男說:“上面說他專找失物”

334
00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:56,009
黑人說:“你找到戒指了?”
我說:“我沒跟你講話”

335
00:18:57,219 --> 00:18:59,513
我看著他老婆
“我叫什麼?有什麼本事?”

336
00:19:00,013 --> 00:19:00,888
她站起來說

337
00:19:00,889 --> 00:19:03,851
“你叫伯特克萊歇爾,專門找失物”

338
00:19:04,601 --> 00:19:06,145
我說:“逼他講出來”

339
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,899
她說:“說他的名字,臭雞巴!”

340
00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:13,776
“伯特克萊歇爾,你專門找失物”

341
00:19:13,777 --> 00:19:15,654
我說:“往上看,跟上帝說”

342
00:19:16,572 --> 00:19:18,781
他說:“伯特克萊歇爾專門找失物”

343
00:19:18,782 --> 00:19:21,743
我說:“我找到你的戒指,臭雞巴!”

344
00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:29,418
這只能算小故事

345
00:19:30,544 --> 00:19:32,462
我有一次找到一個小孩

346
00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:35,507
還活著,不在垃圾車裡

347
00:19:36,383 --> 00:19:37,842
五年前的國慶日

348
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:41,012
我陪女兒參加遊行
光膀子,背包裝滿啤酒

349
00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:42,931
醉翻了,我是好爸爸

350
00:19:44,308 --> 00:19:47,435
有個幼稚園年紀的小朋友
在人群中逆向走,還哭

351
00:19:47,436 --> 00:19:49,896
我蹲下說:“小兄弟,怎麼了?”

352
00:19:49,897 --> 00:19:51,898
他說:“我的家人掉了!”

353
00:19:51,899 --> 00:19:54,484
砰,我一聽到“掉了”,老二就硬起來

354
00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:56,486
不是因為戀童

355
00:19:58,447 --> 00:20:01,240
我說:“我叫伯特克萊歇爾
最會找失物”

356
00:20:01,241 --> 00:20:04,744
我女兒在旁邊說:“真的!”

357
00:20:04,745 --> 00:20:06,787
我說:“你媽在這裡嗎?”

358
00:20:06,788 --> 00:20:08,122
他說:“我不知道”

359
00:20:08,123 --> 00:20:11,542
我說:“你媽叫什麼?”
他說:“我不知道!”

360
00:20:11,543 --> 00:20:14,588
艾拉打我一下,說:“大塊頭,走吧”

361
00:20:15,797 --> 00:20:16,631
我說:“什麼?”

362
00:20:16,632 --> 00:20:18,550
“他是吉普賽人,走吧”

363
00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:22,428
我說:“他才不...”

364
00:20:22,429 --> 00:20:25,474
“他們都用這招偷錢
抖音上有,走吧”

365
00:20:26,850 --> 00:20:28,560
我說:“不准再看抖音”

366
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:32,897
我彎腰說:“你爸在這裡嗎?”
他說:“我不知道!”

367
00:20:32,898 --> 00:20:36,108
我說:“你爸叫什麼名字?”
他說:“我不知道!”

368
00:20:36,109 --> 00:20:37,485
現在我說:“好

369
00:20:37,486 --> 00:20:39,238
他可能是吉普賽人”

370
00:20:40,489 --> 00:20:42,366
我們三人中最聰明的喬吉雅

371
00:20:43,784 --> 00:20:45,619
看著我們說:“你們別吵了”

372
00:20:46,119 --> 00:20:48,996
她說:“我叫喬吉雅,你叫什麼?”

373
00:20:48,997 --> 00:20:50,958
他冷靜了一點,說

374
00:20:51,541 --> 00:20:52,416
“納森?”

375
00:20:52,417 --> 00:20:54,126
“納森,他是我爸

376
00:20:54,127 --> 00:20:57,630
大家叫他伯特,別人怎麼叫你爸?”

377
00:20:57,631 --> 00:21:01,260
他怕歸怕,但還算鎮定
他說:“我不知道”

378
00:21:02,052 --> 00:21:02,886
“大衛?

379
00:21:05,138 --> 00:21:06,390
也許是麥可?”

380
00:21:08,809 --> 00:21:10,936
喬吉雅說:“他應該是吉普賽人”

381
00:21:12,145 --> 00:21:14,855
所以我們帶著這孩子
女兒牽他手,我殿後

382
00:21:14,856 --> 00:21:16,774
我們在遊行隊伍逆向大聲吼

383
00:21:16,775 --> 00:21:19,278
我說:“我們找到一個小男生!

384
00:21:19,778 --> 00:21:21,780
全新的小男生!

385
00:21:22,364 --> 00:21:24,365
誰弄丟一個納森?”

386
00:21:24,366 --> 00:21:27,285
有個媽媽說:“你把那小孩怎麼了?”

387
00:21:27,286 --> 00:21:29,537
“他的交友軟體掛了,我幫他找砲友

388
00:21:29,538 --> 00:21:31,373
去你媽的滾!”

389
00:21:33,542 --> 00:21:35,210
雞婆的婊子,反正...

390
00:21:36,503 --> 00:21:38,337
總算有個爸爸認出納森

391
00:21:38,338 --> 00:21:40,006
他們的小孩在同一班

392
00:21:40,007 --> 00:21:42,008
我跟那個爸爸說:“他跟家人走散

393
00:21:42,009 --> 00:21:43,719
我開始酒醒了,你可以...

394
00:21:45,220 --> 00:21:47,014
你可以幫個忙嗎?”

395
00:21:47,597 --> 00:21:49,724
他說:“他家在隔壁院子開趴”

396
00:21:49,725 --> 00:21:54,187
我說:“納森,跟著我女兒
我去找你的家人過來”

397
00:21:54,771 --> 00:21:57,398
我去隔壁的轟趴,超興奮,人很多

398
00:21:57,399 --> 00:22:00,110
我幹掉背包裡一罐啤酒,放進信箱裡

399
00:22:02,946 --> 00:22:04,573
我說:“我找到一個

400
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:06,491
叫納森的小男生

401
00:22:07,242 --> 00:22:08,660
有人搞丟納森嗎?”

402
00:22:09,995 --> 00:22:10,829
沒回音

403
00:22:11,913 --> 00:22:13,831
我突然聽到艾拉的尖銳聲音

404
00:22:13,832 --> 00:22:15,917
她說:“有人叫大衛嗎?

405
00:22:16,418 --> 00:22:17,878
或者是麥可?”

406
00:22:18,712 --> 00:22:22,007
我說:“你他媽幹嘛?”
“甩掉那個吉普賽人啊,爸”

407
00:22:23,467 --> 00:22:26,261
離我3公尺有個爸爸說:“我叫大衛”

408
00:22:27,304 --> 00:22:29,639
我說:“你有兒子嗎?”,他說:“有”

409
00:22:30,599 --> 00:22:31,850
我說:“他叫納森嗎?”

410
00:22:32,351 --> 00:22:34,061
“的確是叫納森”

411
00:22:34,644 --> 00:22:37,814
艾拉說:“你覺得這是魔術嗎?”

412
00:22:40,108 --> 00:22:42,944
他說:“納森沒走丟”
我說:“我找到一個”

413
00:22:43,820 --> 00:22:46,490
要不要看這個垃圾小鬼是不是你的?

414
00:22:47,324 --> 00:22:49,492
他說:“好吧”,然後我們開始走

415
00:22:49,493 --> 00:22:51,035
我說:“納森!”

416
00:22:51,036 --> 00:22:52,828
我一喊:“納森”

417
00:22:52,829 --> 00:22:55,373
有個爸爸就從後院衝出來

418
00:22:55,374 --> 00:22:57,459
這個爸爸的孩子不見了

419
00:22:58,085 --> 00:22:59,752
“誰說他們找到納森?”

420
00:22:59,753 --> 00:23:02,046
我說:“我”,他說:“我叫麥可”

421
00:23:02,047 --> 00:23:03,924
我說:“媽的,謝天謝地!”

422
00:23:04,549 --> 00:23:07,469
我說:“大衛,滾,我找到他爸了”

423
00:23:08,845 --> 00:23:12,348
大衛很生氣,他說:“王八蛋!

424
00:23:12,349 --> 00:23:14,558
麥可,你有喝酒嗎?”

425
00:23:14,559 --> 00:23:17,228
“我只喝了一杯”
“你應該看著納森的!”

426
00:23:17,229 --> 00:23:18,313
我就...

427
00:23:27,906 --> 00:23:30,867
我怎麼沒揭開這個千古謎團?

428
00:23:32,452 --> 00:23:34,578
艾拉說:“他是吉普賽人嗎?”

429
00:23:34,579 --> 00:23:36,581
我說:“你他媽閉嘴”

430
00:23:37,833 --> 00:23:41,753
她才看他們多吵兩秒就頓悟了

431
00:23:44,214 --> 00:23:47,676
“喬吉雅,我們知道
他為什麼不知道媽媽叫什麼了”

432
00:23:49,302 --> 00:23:52,556
我在那一天告訴兩個人這件事

433
00:23:53,056 --> 00:23:55,474
第一個,單口相聲高手喬伊狄亞

434
00:23:55,475 --> 00:23:57,477
他的反應最精彩

435
00:23:58,019 --> 00:23:59,354
最精彩

436
00:24:00,981 --> 00:24:03,274
我在一堆自由派父母的洛城看到喬伊

437
00:24:03,275 --> 00:24:06,485
我跟他說時,一講
“麥可,你有喝酒嗎?”

438
00:24:06,486 --> 00:24:09,489
他超大聲說:“幹,他們同性戀哦?”

439
00:24:11,366 --> 00:24:13,451
再來我告訴我老婆黎安

440
00:24:13,452 --> 00:24:16,871
我才剛開始講故事
一說:“大衛,也許是麥可”

441
00:24:16,872 --> 00:24:20,167
她就看著我說:“他爸爸是糖腳?”

442
00:24:24,296 --> 00:24:26,548
“不是,他們沒有糖尿病,黎安”

443
00:24:27,674 --> 00:24:30,843
她說:“不是啦
南方人說同志都這樣講

444
00:24:30,844 --> 00:24:32,762
他算是糖腳

445
00:24:34,222 --> 00:24:36,141
這是稱呼同志的禮貌講法”

446
00:24:40,020 --> 00:24:41,980
就好像:“謝謝哦,傅蓓梅

447
00:24:43,273 --> 00:24:45,984
你還有什麼包著糖衣的歧視講法?”

448
00:24:46,902 --> 00:24:48,987
她是個好人,真的

449
00:24:49,488 --> 00:24:51,822
她...我不是說我是好人

450
00:24:51,823 --> 00:24:53,992
我會在不該笑時亂笑

451
00:24:54,659 --> 00:24:56,745
你越不該笑...

452
00:24:57,829 --> 00:24:58,788
我就越愛笑

453
00:24:59,873 --> 00:25:03,460
忍不住,如果惹到黎安,我會更失控

454
00:25:04,419 --> 00:25:07,755
我們有一次坐飛機
邁阿密到洛杉磯機場

455
00:25:07,756 --> 00:25:10,257
在邁阿密報到,我們去櫃臺

456
00:25:10,258 --> 00:25:11,175
放下行李

457
00:25:11,176 --> 00:25:14,053
我問小姐:“能升級到頭等艙嗎?”

458
00:25:14,054 --> 00:25:16,681
她說:“有一個位子”
我說:“好,我要了”

459
00:25:19,142 --> 00:25:20,059
“你太太呢?”

460
00:25:20,060 --> 00:25:22,521
我說:“你不是說就一個位子?”

461
00:25:23,730 --> 00:25:26,525
她說:“你不給你太太?”
我說:“當然不要”

462
00:25:27,025 --> 00:25:28,192
我說:“我搭機會喝酒

463
00:25:28,193 --> 00:25:30,820
她就像門諾派的,搭飛機都放空

464
00:25:31,488 --> 00:25:33,782
盯著飛機牆壁六小時

465
00:25:34,282 --> 00:25:35,324
我想找樂子”

466
00:25:35,325 --> 00:25:37,743
黎安說:“那我呢?紳士精神呢?”

467
00:25:37,744 --> 00:25:41,039
我說:“升級艙等前才有,現在不算”

468
00:25:42,541 --> 00:25:44,833
黎安在機場氣死了,很火

469
00:25:44,834 --> 00:25:46,877
上機時,她到我座位邊停下來

470
00:25:46,878 --> 00:25:48,505
她說:“別這樣啦”

471
00:25:49,339 --> 00:25:51,633
我說:“不行...你坐三等艙,走吧

472
00:25:52,717 --> 00:25:56,054
跟船底的李奧納多和義大利小子玩吧

473
00:25:57,430 --> 00:25:59,683
應該很好玩,你一定會高興”

474
00:26:00,433 --> 00:26:02,768
她走到我後面三排的隔間座

475
00:26:02,769 --> 00:26:03,978
我在頭等艙

476
00:26:03,979 --> 00:26:05,771
點酒,雙份威士忌加冰

477
00:26:05,772 --> 00:26:08,233
超多冰塊,喝了第一口

478
00:26:10,569 --> 00:26:12,737
然後我聽到超大聲的...

479
00:26:17,492 --> 00:26:18,994
大家都愣住了

480
00:26:19,953 --> 00:26:21,913
我傳訊給黎安:“是你嗎?”

481
00:26:23,540 --> 00:26:25,875
黎安回我:“不是,混蛋

482
00:26:27,502 --> 00:26:29,713
是一個有特殊需求的女人

483
00:26:30,589 --> 00:26:31,756
跟我們同機”

484
00:26:35,844 --> 00:26:37,512
我說:“什麼意思?”

485
00:26:39,889 --> 00:26:42,434
她回我:“你剛才聽到了

486
00:26:44,102 --> 00:26:45,770
她怕搭飛機

487
00:26:46,605 --> 00:26:49,357
搭飛機會讓她緊張抽搐

488
00:26:50,150 --> 00:26:52,277
其中一個症狀是叫聲跟大象一樣”

489
00:26:52,777 --> 00:26:56,197
我說:“另一個呢?”
她說:“瘋狂抽動”

490
00:26:57,616 --> 00:26:58,617
我回她...

491
00:27:04,331 --> 00:27:05,457
“身材好嗎?”

492
00:27:08,543 --> 00:27:10,337
沒回覆,連對話框都沒

493
00:27:11,421 --> 00:27:13,213
然後我回:“她坐哪裡?”

494
00:27:13,214 --> 00:27:15,800
然後她回:“你的座位,混蛋”

495
00:27:17,302 --> 00:27:19,970
我從那時開始笑,控制不住

496
00:27:19,971 --> 00:27:21,555
我快笑死了

497
00:27:21,556 --> 00:27:24,267
因為我聽到後面的“活力”,三排...

498
00:27:26,519 --> 00:27:28,354
只要有人走進經濟艙

499
00:27:28,355 --> 00:27:31,316
他們都會說:“天啊!”

500
00:27:32,359 --> 00:27:34,027
飛機還沒起飛

501
00:27:34,527 --> 00:27:36,236
我就去找空服員釋出善意

502
00:27:36,237 --> 00:27:40,491
“我老婆坐在那個特殊需求女人旁邊”

503
00:27:40,492 --> 00:27:43,119
連那個空服員都說:“哇靠”

504
00:27:44,245 --> 00:27:46,080
我說:“我跟她換位子”

505
00:27:46,081 --> 00:27:47,624
她說:“啊

506
00:27:48,541 --> 00:27:50,210
你真是個好男人”

507
00:27:51,836 --> 00:27:52,962
我說:“我知道

508
00:27:54,547 --> 00:27:56,256
是這樣的,我得喝酒

509
00:27:56,257 --> 00:27:58,092
我老婆要坐頭等艙

510
00:27:58,093 --> 00:28:00,219
她很古板,完全不碰酒

511
00:28:00,220 --> 00:28:02,304
可是你灌我酒就沒問題

512
00:28:02,305 --> 00:28:04,849
我也怕搭機,也許聊得來,所以...

513
00:28:06,226 --> 00:28:08,811
你一直給酒,整趟航程就相安無事”

514
00:28:08,812 --> 00:28:09,812
她跟我說

515
00:28:09,813 --> 00:28:12,648
你在機上喝過酒
知道這句話有多寶貴

516
00:28:12,649 --> 00:28:15,860
她四處張望
“把酒乾了,我再幫你倒一杯”

517
00:28:20,615 --> 00:28:23,992
我乾了,她又倒一杯
塞給我兩小瓶威士忌

518
00:28:23,993 --> 00:28:26,704
放進我口袋:“夠讓你撐到巡航高度

519
00:28:26,705 --> 00:28:29,249
我會在頭等艙優先服務你”

520
00:28:34,421 --> 00:28:36,004
我還沒走,她又抓住我

521
00:28:36,005 --> 00:28:38,800
“其他男人應該多學學你”

522
00:28:40,510 --> 00:28:42,219
她不知道我在想

523
00:28:42,220 --> 00:28:45,140
“靠,應該多跟有特殊需求的人搭機”

524
00:28:46,057 --> 00:28:49,060
誰讓我這樣喝,我就願意飛去倫敦!

525
00:28:52,647 --> 00:28:53,606
所以我拿著酒

526
00:28:54,107 --> 00:28:57,026
經過頭等艙的那些自私鬼

527
00:28:59,070 --> 00:29:00,280
到了經濟艙

528
00:29:00,822 --> 00:29:04,367
拉開簾子,沒想到會看到那個景象

529
00:29:04,868 --> 00:29:07,662
簡直就像凌晨四點的早餐店

530
00:29:08,621 --> 00:29:12,708
就像《蒼蠅王》情節
由這個有特殊需求的女人策劃

531
00:29:12,709 --> 00:29:15,253
幹,她有195公分高

532
00:29:15,879 --> 00:29:17,714
超大隻的馬子

533
00:29:18,339 --> 00:29:20,467
很像某個美式足球明星的妹妹

534
00:29:21,134 --> 00:29:22,594
拚命抽動

535
00:29:24,095 --> 00:29:27,139
我再仔細一看,發現她的兩隻手

536
00:29:27,140 --> 00:29:29,684
都有纏上膠帶的隔熱手套

537
00:29:31,394 --> 00:29:34,022
我把酒拿給黎安:“一路平安,給你”

538
00:29:37,233 --> 00:29:40,153
我跟空姐說:“她不想換,沒辦法”

539
00:29:42,238 --> 00:29:43,990
我一直笑個不停

540
00:29:45,033 --> 00:29:48,244
先說清楚,我不是笑有特殊需求的人

541
00:29:48,745 --> 00:29:50,704
不是,我不覺得那個好笑

542
00:29:50,705 --> 00:29:52,624
我覺得好笑的

543
00:29:53,124 --> 00:29:54,793
是竟然有家人

544
00:29:55,376 --> 00:29:58,505
自作主張,用膠帶

545
00:29:59,881 --> 00:30:00,714
把隔熱手套...

546
00:30:00,715 --> 00:30:03,718
還不是成對的,一個上面有龍蝦螯

547
00:30:05,094 --> 00:30:06,678
另一個寫:“燙到無法擋”

548
00:30:06,679 --> 00:30:09,556
...用膠帶把手套固定到她手上

549
00:30:09,557 --> 00:30:12,519
然後說:“到西岸好好玩”,搞屁

550
00:30:13,645 --> 00:30:15,855
我在飛機上從頭到尾笑到哭

551
00:30:17,023 --> 00:30:19,234
喝到...整個人斷片,昏過去

552
00:30:20,652 --> 00:30:22,110
醒過來、下飛機

553
00:30:22,111 --> 00:30:23,779
我等黎安走出來

554
00:30:23,780 --> 00:30:26,741
結果黎安出來時,就像大腸包小腸

555
00:30:30,119 --> 00:30:33,122
《龍兄鼠弟》裡的阿諾和丹尼狄維托

556
00:30:34,457 --> 00:30:36,626
我在想:“靠,她是姻親嗎?”

557
00:30:38,169 --> 00:30:41,214
黎安看著我,很冷靜地說:“她不錯

558
00:30:42,131 --> 00:30:44,801
人很好,我們要幫她拿行李”

559
00:30:45,593 --> 00:30:48,847
我說:“對,她沒辦法用隔熱手套拿”

560
00:30:49,848 --> 00:30:52,099
黎安說:“我們要幫她拿掉”

561
00:30:52,100 --> 00:30:53,518
我說:“媽的才不要”

562
00:30:54,143 --> 00:30:56,186
家人用膠帶把手套固定到她手上

563
00:30:56,187 --> 00:30:57,814
代表他們知道什麼

564
00:30:58,439 --> 00:31:01,484
我可不希望拿下來後
發現她是金剛狼,好嗎?

565
00:31:02,235 --> 00:31:05,863
我整晚笑個不停,在車上、在家裡

566
00:31:05,864 --> 00:31:08,199
黎安很生氣,我最喜歡這樣

567
00:31:08,700 --> 00:31:10,827
因為惹到另一半超爽

568
00:31:11,452 --> 00:31:14,789
我們上床,我脫光衣服
醉翻了,整個昏死

569
00:31:15,498 --> 00:31:16,749
第二天早上醒來

570
00:31:17,375 --> 00:31:18,960
我們忘記吵過架

571
00:31:20,879 --> 00:31:22,671
我滾過去,開始親親

572
00:31:22,672 --> 00:31:24,007
開始打砲

573
00:31:25,049 --> 00:31:26,759
打砲到一半

574
00:31:27,427 --> 00:31:29,262
黎安舉起兩隻手...

575
00:31:33,266 --> 00:31:35,018
那種威力萬人無法擋

576
00:31:35,810 --> 00:31:38,813
我馬上笑出來,馬上射

577
00:31:39,355 --> 00:31:42,692
彎腰說:“隔熱手套...”

578
00:31:43,192 --> 00:31:45,027
我下床後,黎安開始笑

579
00:31:45,028 --> 00:31:46,821
我說:“你總算懂了”

580
00:31:47,572 --> 00:31:49,490
她說:“我懂了

581
00:31:50,742 --> 00:31:52,702
你昨天在機場有拉屎吧?”

582
00:31:54,162 --> 00:31:55,370
我說:“可能吧”

583
00:31:55,371 --> 00:31:57,790
她說:“摸摸你的屁股蛋”

584
00:31:59,292 --> 00:32:00,460
我手伸到後面

585
00:32:01,336 --> 00:32:03,338
結果馬桶的坐墊紙

586
00:32:04,839 --> 00:32:06,257
還在上面

587
00:32:07,216 --> 00:32:08,634
我馬桶蹲太久

588
00:32:08,635 --> 00:32:11,637
坐墊紙就像棉花糖包住我的腿和屁股

589
00:32:11,638 --> 00:32:13,555
我還直接穿上牛仔褲

590
00:32:13,556 --> 00:32:16,934
走上飛機,就這樣坐六小時飛機

591
00:32:16,935 --> 00:32:19,729
就這樣睡,就這樣幹我老婆

592
00:32:22,231 --> 00:32:24,524
現在我滿臉驚恐,她大笑說

593
00:32:24,525 --> 00:32:27,028
“靠,我剛剛幹了有特殊需求的人”

594
00:32:35,244 --> 00:32:36,788
我女兒不喜歡這個笑話

595
00:32:38,206 --> 00:32:40,041
我女兒不喜歡我的做法

596
00:32:40,708 --> 00:32:43,461
她們看到我的行為說:“你仇視女性”

597
00:32:44,045 --> 00:32:46,798
我說:“還好你們是女人
沒人會聽你們的”

598
00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:52,011
她們也沒笑

599
00:32:53,179 --> 00:32:57,517
她們說:“爸,你在這個特輯
能不能寫一個女性主義笑話

600
00:32:58,059 --> 00:33:00,186
服務女性主義觀眾?”

601
00:33:00,687 --> 00:33:01,937
我要聽

602
00:33:01,938 --> 00:33:02,939
好

603
00:33:04,357 --> 00:33:06,109
希望你喜歡

604
00:33:07,819 --> 00:33:09,487
別忘了,是我寫的

605
00:33:11,030 --> 00:33:13,282
而且有點政治,好嗎?

606
00:33:13,783 --> 00:33:14,658
真的

607
00:33:14,659 --> 00:33:17,537
但我願意,因為是為了我女兒

608
00:33:22,625 --> 00:33:26,713
女人在各方面都比男人好

609
00:33:30,174 --> 00:33:33,427
我說真的,我馬上證明給那些騎牆派

610
00:33:33,428 --> 00:33:35,971
各位男士有沒有要幫馬子口交時

611
00:33:35,972 --> 00:33:39,600
她自己制止你,說:“建議你不要

612
00:33:40,768 --> 00:33:42,729
我底下味道不太清新”

613
00:33:43,479 --> 00:33:45,440
男生就會說:“哦

614
00:33:46,649 --> 00:33:47,900
好加在”

615
00:33:50,903 --> 00:33:51,863
各位小姐...

616
00:34:05,918 --> 00:34:09,297
你們碰過要吸一個男人的屌時

617
00:34:10,006 --> 00:34:13,885
他制止你,說:“等等,建議你不要

618
00:34:14,719 --> 00:34:16,511
我今天操勞一整天,下...”

619
00:34:16,512 --> 00:34:20,015
媽的,不可能...

620
00:34:20,016 --> 00:34:23,394
男人摸鳥後會聞一下
然後說:“她不會聞到

621
00:34:25,146 --> 00:34:27,231
沒啦,只是滑滑的,沒味道

622
00:34:28,649 --> 00:34:30,818
那個叫‘鳥油’,沒錯

623
00:34:32,028 --> 00:34:33,738
臭的是我屁眼

624
00:34:34,906 --> 00:34:37,240
她鼻子在前面,我屁眼在這裡,怎...

625
00:34:37,241 --> 00:34:40,328
我拿她枕頭抹一下
她會以為是她的味道,來”

626
00:34:42,997 --> 00:34:44,123
所以

627
00:34:44,624 --> 00:34:48,543
所以,我,伯特克萊歇爾,誠心誠意

628
00:34:48,544 --> 00:34:53,382
認為男人不該立法管制
女人怎麼處理自己的身體

629
00:34:58,262 --> 00:34:59,930
因為在場的每個男人

630
00:34:59,931 --> 00:35:03,767
每個眾議員、參議員、每個美國總統

631
00:35:03,768 --> 00:35:06,937
我們在某個人生階段都曾經自大到

632
00:35:06,938 --> 00:35:09,481
自認比女人還了解她們的身體

633
00:35:09,482 --> 00:35:11,818
但我們還是舔下去了

634
00:35:13,444 --> 00:35:16,947
我們只那麼一次,卻還是臭屁到會說

635
00:35:16,948 --> 00:35:17,949
“我很棒

636
00:35:19,492 --> 00:35:20,576
我愛你

637
00:35:21,577 --> 00:35:23,287
你的味道不可能讓...

638
00:35:25,873 --> 00:35:28,084
天啊,你有騎馬嗎?

639
00:35:29,043 --> 00:35:32,046
你得換一個單車座墊,不太對勁

640
00:35:32,547 --> 00:35:35,883
天啊,不對,我可以辦到

641
00:35:36,968 --> 00:35:40,012
我叫強尼諾克斯威爾
這是臭鮑魚大挑戰”

642
00:35:43,933 --> 00:35:45,268
這就是政治笑話

643
00:35:49,355 --> 00:35:51,482
絕不能讓我女兒聽到

644
00:35:52,733 --> 00:35:55,361
她們最近發現我很笨

645
00:35:56,112 --> 00:35:57,779
我知道...黎安知道我笨

646
00:35:57,780 --> 00:36:00,741
我以為海倫凱勒
和安妮法蘭克是同一個人

647
00:36:01,868 --> 00:36:03,410
真的

648
00:36:03,411 --> 00:36:05,621
我在安妮法蘭克之家發現的

649
00:36:06,622 --> 00:36:08,832
我們參加旅行團,我跟朋友超嗨

650
00:36:08,833 --> 00:36:11,668
我把他們拉到旁邊說
“你們知道她有養狗吧?”

651
00:36:11,669 --> 00:36:12,587
他們說...

652
00:36:13,796 --> 00:36:14,630
“什麼?”

653
00:36:15,464 --> 00:36:18,050
“對,牠跑走了,如果你叫那名字...”

654
00:36:26,350 --> 00:36:29,562
我們走進她的廚房
我說:“她在這裡燙到手指”

655
00:36:30,354 --> 00:36:31,688
他們說:“怎麼會?”

656
00:36:31,689 --> 00:36:33,774
“她想學‘鬆餅烤盤’這個詞”

657
00:36:35,610 --> 00:36:38,988
有個小姐轉過身來說
“你在講海倫凱勒的笑話嗎?”

658
00:36:40,531 --> 00:36:44,577
這些人從我的表情就知道
我他媽不曉得安妮法蘭克是誰

659
00:36:45,453 --> 00:36:47,955
而且我以為這是海倫凱勒的家

660
00:36:48,581 --> 00:36:51,833
最後是他們笑我,因為我嗨了又想笑

661
00:36:51,834 --> 00:36:55,087
可是不能笑
因為你在他媽的大屠殺紀念館

662
00:36:56,547 --> 00:36:58,006
我女兒發現...

663
00:36:58,007 --> 00:37:01,259
我帶她們去義大利玩,我們去羅馬

664
00:37:01,260 --> 00:37:02,470
你們知道

665
00:37:02,970 --> 00:37:06,182
義大利那個羅馬,跟羅馬帝國的羅馬

666
00:37:07,725 --> 00:37:09,185
是同一個嗎?

667
00:37:13,981 --> 00:37:15,358
- 知道
- 好吧

668
00:37:16,150 --> 00:37:17,485
好,你們都知道?

669
00:37:19,487 --> 00:37:20,654
舉手我看看

670
00:37:20,655 --> 00:37:21,614
你們知道

671
00:37:22,406 --> 00:37:23,741
凱撒大帝

672
00:37:24,533 --> 00:37:25,660
是真實人物嗎?

673
00:37:28,079 --> 00:37:29,372
好吧,我本來不知道

674
00:37:30,373 --> 00:37:31,373
我們參加一個大團

675
00:37:31,374 --> 00:37:34,710
他們在講凱撒大帝
埃及豔后跟一堆假名字

676
00:37:35,836 --> 00:37:38,046
我問我女兒:“他是真實人物嗎?”

677
00:37:38,047 --> 00:37:40,258
她看著我...這他媽的傻妞

678
00:37:41,509 --> 00:37:43,511
她說:“這個好問題應該問大家”

679
00:37:51,811 --> 00:37:52,727
“我要發問

680
00:37:52,728 --> 00:37:55,773
我們知道披薩配料和廣告辭,可是...”

681
00:37:57,358 --> 00:37:59,401
我們去看大衛,那個裸體像

682
00:37:59,402 --> 00:38:01,945
他的手這樣,米開朗基羅做的

683
00:38:01,946 --> 00:38:04,907
我問喬吉雅:“他的屌怎麼這麼小?”

684
00:38:05,825 --> 00:38:08,286
她說:“又一個好問題要問大家”

685
00:38:10,079 --> 00:38:12,999
我舉手,準備來個爆炸性發問

686
00:38:13,874 --> 00:38:17,420
這次我發問時,所有團員都轉頭看我

687
00:38:18,129 --> 00:38:20,589
我說:“他的屌怎麼這麼小?”

688
00:38:21,465 --> 00:38:22,883
那個人說:“這個問題很好

689
00:38:23,384 --> 00:38:27,263
因為米開朗基羅知道
如果給大屌,你們就會盯著看”

690
00:38:30,141 --> 00:38:31,976
“有道理,我因為小才看”

691
00:38:33,769 --> 00:38:35,938
我們全家人很不搭

692
00:38:36,605 --> 00:38:39,734
你有看過自家人後說
“我們不是最佳搭檔嗎?”

693
00:38:40,359 --> 00:38:41,776
我們看起來很不熟

694
00:38:41,777 --> 00:38:44,155
艾拉穿得像比格傑奧克森

695
00:38:45,489 --> 00:38:48,450
喬吉雅不穿內衣、穿鼻環、有刺青

696
00:38:48,451 --> 00:38:51,745
黎安有腰包、襯衫塞進褲子、拿地圖

697
00:38:51,746 --> 00:38:53,497
看起來像跨性別版的喬羅根

698
00:38:56,334 --> 00:38:59,211
我喝醉又滿身汗,要我當一家之主?

699
00:39:00,379 --> 00:39:03,257
告訴你們,我可不是最佳搭檔的隊長

700
00:39:03,758 --> 00:39:07,052
我女兒艾拉,幹...她的大腦與眾不同

701
00:39:07,053 --> 00:39:07,969
我是說...

702
00:39:07,970 --> 00:39:10,221
我無法控制自己的衝動

703
00:39:10,222 --> 00:39:12,266
我覺得紀錄應該很充分了

704
00:39:13,351 --> 00:39:16,561
艾拉無法控制衝動的問題很嚴重

705
00:39:16,562 --> 00:39:19,814
疫情期間,她只要看到我喝酒

706
00:39:19,815 --> 00:39:21,149
就去坐我的躺椅扶手

707
00:39:21,150 --> 00:39:24,779
拿我的手機上亞馬遜,然後狂刷

708
00:39:25,279 --> 00:39:26,655
跟我說:“大塊頭

709
00:39:27,156 --> 00:39:28,824
你覺得冰箱多少錢?”

710
00:39:30,117 --> 00:39:31,993
“大台的?”她說:“迷你的”

711
00:39:31,994 --> 00:39:33,161
我說:“150美元”

712
00:39:33,162 --> 00:39:35,748
“如果我跟你說79元,你要買幾台?”

713
00:39:38,459 --> 00:39:41,212
我說:“四台”
她說:“搞定!”,點下去

714
00:39:42,505 --> 00:39:45,131
你有在爛醉的時候上亞馬遜下單

715
00:39:45,132 --> 00:39:48,219
等東西送來時還不知道是什麼嗎?

716
00:39:49,220 --> 00:39:52,348
我看到大門口有他媽四台迷你冰箱時

717
00:39:52,848 --> 00:39:53,848
可不必猜

718
00:39:53,849 --> 00:39:55,392
因為不是迷你小冰箱

719
00:39:55,393 --> 00:39:58,187
是提利昂蘭尼斯特大小的冰箱

720
00:39:59,146 --> 00:40:01,023
還有最慘的

721
00:40:01,774 --> 00:40:03,817
我女兒都想學滑板

722
00:40:03,818 --> 00:40:07,320
我家前面是單行道
但常有人逆向飆車

723
00:40:07,321 --> 00:40:11,117
我跟老婆女兒吃晚餐時
我說:“我想到了

724
00:40:11,617 --> 00:40:14,786
我要買三角椎,放在路口

725
00:40:14,787 --> 00:40:18,582
逼大家減速,誰都不敢惹三角椎”

726
00:40:19,917 --> 00:40:21,752
黎安是鄉巴佬,她說:“笨

727
00:40:22,837 --> 00:40:25,005
沒人在買三角椎

728
00:40:26,966 --> 00:40:29,135
大家都用偷的”

729
00:40:30,928 --> 00:40:33,471
她說:“誰都不准買三角椎

730
00:40:33,472 --> 00:40:35,808
連大賣場都他媽沒賣!”

731
00:40:36,350 --> 00:40:39,478
現在我才想到,沒看過有人賣三角椎

732
00:40:40,312 --> 00:40:42,522
艾拉上亞馬遜查到幾種三角椎

733
00:40:42,523 --> 00:40:44,650
她說:“別聽阿甘的話,你看”

734
00:40:46,360 --> 00:40:49,822
我說:“艾拉查到了”
她說:“那不是大個子三角椎

735
00:40:50,448 --> 00:40:52,366
是口愛小嬰兒三角椎”

736
00:40:52,867 --> 00:40:55,369
“口愛...”,我的口音越來越白爛

737
00:40:56,662 --> 00:40:58,497
我把她變成卡津人大廚了

738
00:40:59,081 --> 00:41:01,834
“你們查的都是小嬰兒三角椎

739
00:41:02,334 --> 00:41:04,420
不是大個子三角椎”

740
00:41:05,337 --> 00:41:07,255
我問艾拉有查到大個子型嗎?

741
00:41:07,256 --> 00:41:09,216
她自信滿滿的說:“八號”

742
00:41:11,635 --> 00:41:12,845
“這樣算大嗎?”

743
00:41:13,554 --> 00:41:15,513
“最大的”,我說:“幹,買起來”

744
00:41:15,514 --> 00:41:18,142
她說:“你要幾個?”
我說:“幹,八個”

745
00:41:18,809 --> 00:41:21,604
她看著黎安和喬吉雅說:“搞定”

746
00:41:22,855 --> 00:41:27,443
我靠過去說:“我好想看看
等我們買到時,你們的表情”

747
00:41:28,110 --> 00:41:29,153
我們等了

748
00:41:29,653 --> 00:41:31,780
四天,三角椎才到

749
00:41:32,281 --> 00:41:35,408
黎安和喬吉雅去辦事,我跟艾拉在家

750
00:41:35,409 --> 00:41:36,743
我看到亞馬遜的人

751
00:41:36,744 --> 00:41:41,290
拿著一整落的大個子三角椎走進院子

752
00:41:42,166 --> 00:41:43,541
放到大門口

753
00:41:43,542 --> 00:41:45,419
跟NBA球員一樣高

754
00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:46,961
我起雞皮疙瘩

755
00:41:46,962 --> 00:41:50,591
我說:“艾拉!媽的,我們成功了!”

756
00:41:51,509 --> 00:41:54,678
艾拉跑出來,從窗戶看到後說:“哦

757
00:41:55,179 --> 00:41:57,515
這不是口愛小嬰兒三角椎”

758
00:41:58,432 --> 00:42:01,143
我說:“對”
她說:“是口愛大個子三角椎!”

759
00:42:02,144 --> 00:42:03,853
“怎麼讓你媽和喬吉雅看到?”

760
00:42:03,854 --> 00:42:05,940
她說:“我覺得應該封街

761
00:42:08,108 --> 00:42:11,487
把整條街都封了,逼她們道歉”

762
00:42:12,696 --> 00:42:14,239
我們慶祝得太開心

763
00:42:14,240 --> 00:42:18,369
沒看到亞馬遜員工
又拿八個三角椎進我家院子

764
00:42:18,869 --> 00:42:20,745
錯,這是我看到的第三落

765
00:42:20,746 --> 00:42:23,748
總共24個,多到靠北的三角椎

766
00:42:23,749 --> 00:42:25,416
我一擔心就走到門口

767
00:42:25,417 --> 00:42:28,211
我說:“你們搞錯了”,他說:“沒有

768
00:42:28,212 --> 00:42:30,297
整車都是三角椎”

769
00:42:31,924 --> 00:42:35,970
他走了以後,艾拉到門口說
“你看,一狗票三角椎耶!”

770
00:42:37,096 --> 00:42:38,889
我說:“別在那邊耍白癡

771
00:42:40,182 --> 00:42:41,558
你到底買幾個?”

772
00:42:41,559 --> 00:42:44,019
她說:“總共2400元

773
00:42:47,231 --> 00:42:48,439
這樣很多嗎?”

774
00:42:48,440 --> 00:42:51,110
我說:“修馬路也用不著那麼多!

775
00:42:51,610 --> 00:42:54,404
颱風來了也他媽用不著那麼多!”

776
00:42:54,405 --> 00:42:57,907
拿到第五落時
亞馬遜的人面無表情地說

777
00:42:57,908 --> 00:43:00,119
“你們要開速食店嗎?”

778
00:43:05,207 --> 00:43:08,835
他走了以後,我跟那傻妞在院子前

779
00:43:08,836 --> 00:43:11,296
瞪著好幾落的三角椎

780
00:43:11,297 --> 00:43:13,882
就像卡車後面有一堆妓女屍體

781
00:43:14,800 --> 00:43:16,759
我開始慌,她開始思考

782
00:43:16,760 --> 00:43:18,554
“別擔心,藏起來”

783
00:43:19,847 --> 00:43:21,514
我說:“這麼多藏哪裡?”

784
00:43:21,515 --> 00:43:22,557
她說:“挖洞”

785
00:43:22,558 --> 00:43:24,268
我說:“天啊

786
00:43:25,019 --> 00:43:28,397
你以為你媽
不會發現院子裡有70個墳墓嗎?”

787
00:43:29,189 --> 00:43:31,190
我突然聽到黎安開車過來

788
00:43:31,191 --> 00:43:33,277
艾拉看著我說:“裝酷”

789
00:43:35,029 --> 00:43:39,116
車門打開,黎安和喬吉雅
就跟兩隻海鷗一樣狂笑

790
00:43:39,950 --> 00:43:43,287
喬吉雅說:“口愛大個子三角椎”

791
00:43:43,829 --> 00:43:45,663
我轉身說:“搞錯了”

792
00:43:45,664 --> 00:43:47,750
黎安說:“八號是吧?

793
00:43:48,709 --> 00:43:50,753
你們笨到不知道那個‘八’是數量

794
00:43:51,378 --> 00:43:53,672
結果買了64個三角椎”

795
00:43:54,423 --> 00:43:55,882
我說:“你知道卻不講?”

796
00:43:55,883 --> 00:43:59,261
她說:“對,我們想看你他媽的蠢相

797
00:44:05,351 --> 00:44:07,852
你們兩個給我回亞馬遜”

798
00:44:07,853 --> 00:44:09,896
我說:“退貨吧”,她說:“不要”

799
00:44:09,897 --> 00:44:12,149
幫自己買隔熱手套和膠帶

800
00:44:13,776 --> 00:44:15,527
你不准用亞馬遜了”

801
00:44:21,325 --> 00:44:22,743
我的孩子長大了

802
00:44:23,243 --> 00:44:24,411
我不喜歡

803
00:44:25,496 --> 00:44:28,123
我不喜歡,喬吉雅抽大麻被抓到

804
00:44:29,958 --> 00:44:31,418
是你賣給她的嗎?

805
00:44:33,671 --> 00:44:35,631
我可沒你那麼開心,先生

806
00:44:36,590 --> 00:44:39,842
我出電視外景時,接到黎安的電話

807
00:44:39,843 --> 00:44:41,552
“出事了”,我說:“什麼事?”

808
00:44:41,553 --> 00:44:44,555
“喬吉雅抽大麻被抓到”,我氣死了

809
00:44:44,556 --> 00:44:46,808
我說:“搞屁啊?誰給她的?”

810
00:44:46,809 --> 00:44:49,353
她說:“是你的大麻”
我說:“她還偷東西?”

811
00:44:50,896 --> 00:44:52,730
我氣死了,跟我爸一樣失控

812
00:44:52,731 --> 00:44:54,691
我說:“我要罵那個婊子

813
00:44:54,692 --> 00:44:56,359
你跟她說,我很難過

814
00:44:56,360 --> 00:44:58,861
她說謊,必須重新贏得我的信任

815
00:44:58,862 --> 00:45:01,155
但是不可能,因為我不相信她了

816
00:45:01,156 --> 00:45:02,782
我們今晚要視訊

817
00:45:02,783 --> 00:45:05,244
而且要罵到她哭才行”

818
00:45:05,869 --> 00:45:07,162
然後我掛電話

819
00:45:08,038 --> 00:45:10,249
我中午跟史努比狗狗吃飯

820
00:45:12,418 --> 00:45:14,794
他看到我整個人慌了

821
00:45:14,795 --> 00:45:16,630
他說:“嗨

822
00:45:17,464 --> 00:45:18,924
家裡有問題嗎?”

823
00:45:19,967 --> 00:45:20,968
我說:“對啊

824
00:45:22,302 --> 00:45:24,054
也許你能給我一點意見”

825
00:45:26,098 --> 00:45:27,725
我說:“我女兒

826
00:45:28,225 --> 00:45:29,518
抽大麻”

827
00:45:30,936 --> 00:45:32,146
史努比狗狗說

828
00:45:32,646 --> 00:45:33,564
“就這樣?”

829
00:45:34,732 --> 00:45:38,192
我說:“她才15歲”
他說:“你第一次抽是幾歲?”

830
00:45:38,193 --> 00:45:40,070
我說:“跟這件事無關

831
00:45:40,904 --> 00:45:43,782
時代不同了”
他說:“笨蛋,那時是違法的

832
00:45:44,992 --> 00:45:48,495
你只因為她抽大麻就要臭罵她?”

833
00:45:48,996 --> 00:45:50,831
我說:“對,我就這樣教小孩”

834
00:45:51,915 --> 00:45:53,709
他說:“我不准你這麼做

835
00:45:54,293 --> 00:45:55,878
我這麼疼她

836
00:45:56,879 --> 00:45:59,172
你今晚不能罵她”

837
00:45:59,173 --> 00:46:02,633
他說:“現在的情形是你女兒長大了

838
00:46:02,634 --> 00:46:05,178
你這個男人跟爸爸慌了

839
00:46:05,179 --> 00:46:07,722
你要把那種成年男子的一股氣

840
00:46:07,723 --> 00:46:10,516
發洩到那個小女孩身上,她會很痛苦

841
00:46:10,517 --> 00:46:13,144
也不會再相信你,因為你雙標

842
00:46:13,145 --> 00:46:15,271
你們會因此決裂”

843
00:46:15,272 --> 00:46:17,483
“你他媽什麼時候變成醫生的?”

844
00:46:19,818 --> 00:46:21,694
他說:“你今晚下工後

845
00:46:21,695 --> 00:46:23,654
到我的拖車來

846
00:46:23,655 --> 00:46:25,365
我他媽幫你消消火”

847
00:46:30,579 --> 00:46:32,121
我說:“什麼意思?”

848
00:46:32,122 --> 00:46:33,707
他說:“你別裝傻”

849
00:46:34,208 --> 00:46:35,333
我說:“只是問問”

850
00:46:35,334 --> 00:46:39,045
他說:“老兄...”,然後靠很近
用他的皮條客慵懶口氣

851
00:46:39,046 --> 00:46:40,171
他說

852
00:46:40,172 --> 00:46:41,298
“老兄

853
00:46:42,216 --> 00:46:43,967
我們要燒水幹一砲”

854
00:46:47,763 --> 00:46:49,723
我說:“你說什麼?”

855
00:46:50,432 --> 00:46:53,101
他說:“媽的別裝傻,不准說出去”

856
00:46:53,602 --> 00:46:56,521
他起身離開,我想:“我不會邀別人

857
00:46:56,522 --> 00:46:58,774
跟我們一起燒水幹一砲”

858
00:46:59,608 --> 00:47:02,068
搞...我整個慌了,馬上打給黎安說

859
00:47:02,069 --> 00:47:04,071
“史努比狗狗要跟我幹一砲”

860
00:47:04,696 --> 00:47:07,406
她說:“沒有啦,一定是嘻哈樂俚語

861
00:47:07,407 --> 00:47:08,866
你會到他那裡

862
00:47:08,867 --> 00:47:12,079
拿香檳噴辣妹,一定會玩得很爽”

863
00:47:13,121 --> 00:47:16,249
我說:“也許吧”,所以我去他的拖車

864
00:47:16,250 --> 00:47:19,753
下工後,去敲車門
脫了上衣,我對天發誓

865
00:47:20,546 --> 00:47:22,839
他開門就說:“我就知道你會來”

866
00:47:22,840 --> 00:47:25,634
他的拖車裡只有他

867
00:47:26,635 --> 00:47:29,595
我說:“真的嗎?”
他說:“對,白小子最愛這套”

868
00:47:29,596 --> 00:47:32,724
這句話也算對,我們真的愛同志那套

869
00:47:33,767 --> 00:47:37,187
我要是把屌偷偷放他肩上
他會說:“討厭啦”

870
00:47:38,230 --> 00:47:39,063
超愛同志那套

871
00:47:39,064 --> 00:47:41,274
真的就像朋友之間愛的語言

872
00:47:41,275 --> 00:47:45,279
我讓湯姆笑最瘋的那次
湯姆塞古拉,身障諧星...

873
00:47:46,363 --> 00:47:48,031
不知道你們認不認識

874
00:47:49,241 --> 00:47:51,451
身障諧星可不能這樣

875
00:47:52,452 --> 00:47:55,955
我讓他笑得最瘋的那次
是我把屌和蛋蛋放進酒杯

876
00:47:55,956 --> 00:47:58,709
從後面靠近他,說:“雞雞尾酒?”

877
00:47:59,585 --> 00:48:00,585
我們愛同志那套

878
00:48:00,586 --> 00:48:02,921
所以他說的很對,我說:“等等”

879
00:48:03,630 --> 00:48:07,049
我說:“我是頭一遭,史努比狗狗”

880
00:48:07,050 --> 00:48:08,886
他說:“放屁”

881
00:48:09,386 --> 00:48:12,264
我說:“我在高中和大學有過,但...

882
00:48:12,764 --> 00:48:14,765
你有這樣過?”

883
00:48:14,766 --> 00:48:17,519
他說:“有時候,跟朋友會”

884
00:48:18,437 --> 00:48:22,065
我說:“誰?”
他說:“我兩週前跟德瑞博士來過”

885
00:48:22,691 --> 00:48:25,568
我說:“你跟德...你們同時那個?”

886
00:48:25,569 --> 00:48:29,323
他說:“只能這樣幹啊
你他媽是怎麼回事?

887
00:48:29,990 --> 00:48:33,744
我以為你很上道,伯特”
我說:“超上道的啊

888
00:48:34,453 --> 00:48:37,039
我很上道”,然後我朝浴室走過去

889
00:48:38,999 --> 00:48:41,460
史努比狗狗說:“你他媽去哪裡?”

890
00:48:42,711 --> 00:48:44,379
“去你的浴室啊”

891
00:48:45,464 --> 00:48:46,798
他說:“為什麼?”

892
00:48:47,674 --> 00:48:49,927
我說:“你說我們要燒水幹一砲”

893
00:48:50,928 --> 00:48:53,263
他說:“靠,我說燒酒乾一杯啦”

894
00:48:54,681 --> 00:48:56,433
我說:“天啊,這樣好多了

895
00:48:57,851 --> 00:49:00,186
我以為你說我們要燒水幹一砲”

896
00:49:00,187 --> 00:49:03,190
史努比狗狗不笑了
他說:“我不想燒酒乾一杯了

897
00:49:04,733 --> 00:49:06,735
我現在想一個人靜靜”

898
00:49:07,527 --> 00:49:10,571
他說:“你是來幹砲的?”
我說:“是你提議的”

899
00:49:10,572 --> 00:49:11,907
“幹,我沒有

900
00:49:12,616 --> 00:49:15,159
就算是我提的,你他媽還來?”

901
00:49:15,160 --> 00:49:17,579
我說:“可是我真的很難過”

902
00:49:18,080 --> 00:49:20,958
他說:“要是我沒攔你,你會去哪?”

903
00:49:22,417 --> 00:49:23,877
我說:“你的浴室”

904
00:49:25,545 --> 00:49:28,131
他說:“幹什麼?”,我說:“等你”

905
00:49:29,424 --> 00:49:31,384
史努比狗狗把手伸進口袋

906
00:49:31,385 --> 00:49:33,594
拿出一根大麻菸,邊點邊抽,他說

907
00:49:33,595 --> 00:49:36,014
“幹,我知道你女兒幹嘛抽大麻了”

908
00:49:49,736 --> 00:49:52,989
工作人員可以趕快給我毛巾嗎?

909
00:49:52,990 --> 00:49:54,950
我流汗流到老二都要掉了

910
00:49:55,450 --> 00:49:58,119
靠,佛羅里達州的汗真他媽不一樣

911
00:49:58,120 --> 00:49:59,578
沒錯!

912
00:49:59,579 --> 00:50:03,457
外地人就會說
“這個鳥城市在搞什麼鬼?”

913
00:50:03,458 --> 00:50:06,919
你們會說
“你蛋蛋的汗有滴到鞋子嗎?”

914
00:50:06,920 --> 00:50:09,131
連蛋蛋都會滴汗,太神奇

915
00:50:09,631 --> 00:50:12,759
隨便一條襯衫就行了,脫下來給我吧

916
00:50:14,636 --> 00:50:17,055
我還有一個故事要跟你們講,我...

917
00:50:17,639 --> 00:50:18,515
超猛的

918
00:50:20,142 --> 00:50:23,145
謝謝凱爾,各位觀眾,他是退伍軍人

919
00:50:27,941 --> 00:50:29,151
準備好囉

920
00:50:32,863 --> 00:50:34,197
我們把狗安樂死了

921
00:50:37,200 --> 00:50:39,161
好笑的在後頭,好嗎?

922
00:50:40,829 --> 00:50:42,121
牠是很棒的狗

923
00:50:42,122 --> 00:50:43,330
真的

924
00:50:43,331 --> 00:50:46,834
牠叫普莉西拉
我養的第一隻大狗,母鬥牛獒

925
00:50:46,835 --> 00:50:49,587
這隻狗棒呆了
我記得買牠的那天晚上

926
00:50:49,588 --> 00:50:53,215
你買小狗時,牠們都很緊張、害怕

927
00:50:53,216 --> 00:50:55,509
但是到家時,要跟牠們說到家了

928
00:50:55,510 --> 00:50:58,512
大家都跟牠玩,可是牠有點異狀

929
00:50:58,513 --> 00:51:02,392
女兒去睡了,黎安去睡了
我跟牠沒睡,我喝威士忌

930
00:51:02,976 --> 00:51:05,103
跟牠醉言醉語,懂嗎?

931
00:51:05,604 --> 00:51:06,480
例如...

932
00:51:07,397 --> 00:51:09,441
我記得我跟牠說...

933
00:51:10,358 --> 00:51:13,611
我說:“寶貝女兒,你會過得很快樂

934
00:51:13,612 --> 00:51:15,404
用不著緊張

935
00:51:15,405 --> 00:51:17,990
那些小女生會愛你愛到死

936
00:51:17,991 --> 00:51:20,868
那個女人會滿足你的所有需求

937
00:51:20,869 --> 00:51:22,996
我呢,我不會常陪你,但是...”

938
00:51:25,040 --> 00:51:27,917
我說:“我要你做到一件事

939
00:51:27,918 --> 00:51:30,711
除了那些以外,我只要求我離家時

940
00:51:30,712 --> 00:51:33,548
你要當我的恐怖分子

941
00:51:34,716 --> 00:51:38,010
只要有人進那道門,你就要卯足全力

942
00:51:38,011 --> 00:51:40,555
你先死,然後換她們死”

943
00:51:42,224 --> 00:51:44,475
這隻小狗閉上眼睛

944
00:51:44,476 --> 00:51:46,937
頭靠著我大腿說:“我回家了”

945
00:51:49,064 --> 00:51:50,440
你們有曾經嗨到

946
00:51:51,900 --> 00:51:54,361
抱著狗,結果老二硬起來嗎?

947
00:52:00,617 --> 00:52:01,535
我也沒有

948
00:52:03,870 --> 00:52:06,539
沒有人嗎?好,有一次啦

949
00:52:06,540 --> 00:52:09,250
有一次,我...你也有吧?

950
00:52:09,251 --> 00:52:12,545
我晚上嗑太多食用大麻
早上醒來還在嗨

951
00:52:12,546 --> 00:52:15,506
普莉西拉爬上我的床,我抱牠抱太緊

952
00:52:15,507 --> 00:52:17,175
我不知道自己硬了

953
00:52:17,676 --> 00:52:20,511
黎安進來看到說:“誰讓你硬的?”

954
00:52:20,512 --> 00:52:22,389
我笑到控制不了

955
00:52:23,223 --> 00:52:26,434
我說:“普莉西拉,只有牠能讓我硬”

956
00:52:27,144 --> 00:52:28,394
黎安超討厭這個笑話

957
00:52:28,395 --> 00:52:31,188
我每天早上在廚房看到她就講一次

958
00:52:31,189 --> 00:52:32,773
我會拍拍普莉西拉,說

959
00:52:32,774 --> 00:52:35,819
“你知道只有你能讓我硬”

960
00:52:36,319 --> 00:52:38,904
黎安說:“不好笑,很噁心”

961
00:52:38,905 --> 00:52:40,157
所以我才講啊

962
00:52:41,449 --> 00:52:44,494
我們又買一條公的鬥牛獒,叫做麥克

963
00:52:45,620 --> 00:52:46,872
不算最好的狗

964
00:52:47,581 --> 00:52:48,664
牠很棒,我很愛

965
00:52:48,665 --> 00:52:51,251
但是牠很花,而且他媽的笨

966
00:52:51,751 --> 00:52:54,379
還愛死我的屌,這條狗哦

967
00:52:54,921 --> 00:52:58,216
一看到我的屌就說:“這是我的

968
00:52:59,009 --> 00:53:00,760
我今天要吃掉”,牠...

969
00:53:01,261 --> 00:53:03,305
千萬別在這條狗面前打手槍

970
00:53:03,805 --> 00:53:06,182
普莉西拉呢?你自摸,牠就出去

971
00:53:06,183 --> 00:53:07,809
“我讓你自己玩”

972
00:53:08,602 --> 00:53:11,229
麥克看到你自摸就會靠近,說...

973
00:53:14,774 --> 00:53:15,609
“好哦

974
00:53:16,985 --> 00:53:19,279
你到底要不要丟那根棍子?”

975
00:53:20,238 --> 00:53:22,990
有一次我跟黎安打砲,狗爬式

976
00:53:22,991 --> 00:53:24,618
我以為牠會欣賞

977
00:53:25,785 --> 00:53:27,036
我巴她屁股

978
00:53:27,037 --> 00:53:30,207
那時才發現麥克是她的狗,不是我的

979
00:53:31,333 --> 00:53:32,876
牠馬上激動起來,就...

980
00:53:33,668 --> 00:53:36,129
我馬上“拔出”黎安

981
00:53:37,130 --> 00:53:39,507
讓這根充滿費洛蒙的棍子亂揮

982
00:53:40,008 --> 00:53:43,386
牠翻白眼,想:“我今天要吃掉那根”

983
00:53:44,054 --> 00:53:44,887
我慌了

984
00:53:44,888 --> 00:53:47,514
床上有68公斤的野獸

985
00:53:47,515 --> 00:53:48,974
這隻狗又衝著我來

986
00:53:48,975 --> 00:53:50,435
我不知道怎麼辦

987
00:53:53,104 --> 00:53:54,397
很好,大家懂了吧?

988
00:54:00,987 --> 00:54:02,239
所以有一天早上

989
00:54:02,781 --> 00:54:04,865
普莉西拉開始呼吸困難

990
00:54:04,866 --> 00:54:05,951
我們帶牠送醫

991
00:54:06,534 --> 00:54:08,994
獸醫跟我們說:“狀況不樂觀

992
00:54:08,995 --> 00:54:10,580
牠的心臟長腫瘤

993
00:54:11,748 --> 00:54:13,499
必須安樂死”,是這樣的

994
00:54:13,500 --> 00:54:16,377
我從小到大,跟在場很多男人一樣

995
00:54:16,378 --> 00:54:19,506
爸爸都會教兒子不要哭

996
00:54:20,006 --> 00:54:23,133
我小時候一哭,他就說
“別跟女人家一樣

997
00:54:23,134 --> 00:54:25,136
忍住,你他媽當個漢子

998
00:54:25,679 --> 00:54:27,597
他媽的別讓我看到你哭”

999
00:54:28,098 --> 00:54:31,892
我有女兒時,我爸把我拉到旁邊說

1000
00:54:31,893 --> 00:54:33,728
“別讓你女兒看到你哭

1001
00:54:34,229 --> 00:54:38,274
要讓她們知道自己很安全
因為你可以鎮得住場子

1002
00:54:38,275 --> 00:54:42,569
真的要哭,就進衣櫥或淋浴間

1003
00:54:42,570 --> 00:54:45,323
哭過後走出來,解決問題”

1004
00:54:45,824 --> 00:54:47,742
我們現在知道這樣不健康

1005
00:54:49,286 --> 00:54:51,787
但是我情緒激動時,反而

1006
00:54:51,788 --> 00:54:55,124
會跟在場的很多男人一樣,開始搞笑

1007
00:54:55,125 --> 00:54:57,043
因為我一笑就不哭了

1008
00:54:57,544 --> 00:55:01,214
這招在獸醫院不太管用

1009
00:55:02,799 --> 00:55:04,550
他說:“我們要把牠安樂死”

1010
00:55:04,551 --> 00:55:07,345
黎安哭了,我就開始想笑話

1011
00:55:08,096 --> 00:55:10,848
黎安說:“要在這裡嗎?”
獸醫:“可以在家裡”

1012
00:55:10,849 --> 00:55:12,809
我說:“要我來嗎?

1013
00:55:14,060 --> 00:55:15,854
要把牠丟進水池嗎?”

1014
00:55:17,272 --> 00:55:18,897
這傢伙幫很多狗安樂過

1015
00:55:18,898 --> 00:55:21,443
從來沒聽過有人用笑話回話

1016
00:55:22,235 --> 00:55:23,861
這是講笑話的最佳時機

1017
00:55:23,862 --> 00:55:25,905
他笑到哭出來

1018
00:55:27,198 --> 00:55:29,951
他還找不到...他說:“不是...”

1019
00:55:30,535 --> 00:55:33,538
“要拿枕頭蓋住牠鼻子
等到牠尾巴不搖嗎?

1020
00:55:34,039 --> 00:55:36,583
要抬起來再摔,像摔角招式嗎?”

1021
00:55:37,083 --> 00:55:40,253
現在他笑到哭,說:“等一下,不是

1022
00:55:40,754 --> 00:55:42,838
有一個女員工能幫你們殺”

1023
00:55:42,839 --> 00:55:44,049
我說:“什麼?”

1024
00:55:45,383 --> 00:55:47,927
他說:“是你逼我的,媽的變態!”

1025
00:55:48,762 --> 00:55:50,805
我記得我說:“她厲害嗎?”

1026
00:55:52,349 --> 00:55:55,727
他說:“這沒有灰色地帶
他們要嘛殺,要嘛不殺”

1027
00:55:57,228 --> 00:56:00,815
他說:“你所謂的厲害是什麼?”

1028
00:56:02,150 --> 00:56:05,028
我說:“她會凌晨2點半闖進我家

1029
00:56:05,904 --> 00:56:08,489
趁我們睡覺時殺了那隻狗
抓住我養的其他狗

1030
00:56:08,490 --> 00:56:12,327
打麻藥、用三秒膠黏住所有狗掌
讓牠們繞著牠,圍成一圈禱告

1031
00:56:13,453 --> 00:56:14,912
讓我們早上看到”

1032
00:56:14,913 --> 00:56:17,499
他說:“幹,這個厲害”

1033
00:56:19,042 --> 00:56:21,961
黎安看著我說:“別再喇叭了”

1034
00:56:23,838 --> 00:56:26,924
所以我們事先打給女兒

1035
00:56:26,925 --> 00:56:29,676
氣氛很不好,我不喜歡打這種電話

1036
00:56:29,677 --> 00:56:31,220
但是我女兒好棒

1037
00:56:31,221 --> 00:56:33,806
真的,這個故事不會拿她們開玩笑

1038
00:56:33,807 --> 00:56:36,100
她們真的很棒,我好自豪

1039
00:56:36,101 --> 00:56:38,977
她們進自己的房間,拉出床墊

1040
00:56:38,978 --> 00:56:41,688
拿到客廳,放在兩張沙發中間

1041
00:56:41,689 --> 00:56:43,232
讓小普有地方可睡

1042
00:56:43,233 --> 00:56:46,026
然後整晚熬夜,陪著那隻狗

1043
00:56:46,027 --> 00:56:48,028
跟牠說牠小時候的故事

1044
00:56:48,029 --> 00:56:50,489
跟牠說她們最喜歡牠哪一點

1045
00:56:50,490 --> 00:56:54,911
她們哭,平復自己的情緒
黎安跟著一起哭,我沒有

1046
00:56:56,037 --> 00:56:57,038
我沒哭

1047
00:56:57,580 --> 00:56:59,999
我坐在躺椅上喝威士忌

1048
00:57:00,917 --> 00:57:02,252
然後生氣

1049
00:57:03,044 --> 00:57:06,256
我看著...我們有隻狗三年前就該死了

1050
00:57:08,508 --> 00:57:09,801
你們知道那隻狗

1051
00:57:10,635 --> 00:57:13,263
21歲,看不到、聽不到

1052
00:57:13,763 --> 00:57:15,890
凌晨兩點走進客廳,只是...

1053
00:57:29,696 --> 00:57:32,073
還不能抱起來,因為牠不知道你在

1054
00:57:32,574 --> 00:57:33,408
你一抱,牠就...

1055
00:57:36,870 --> 00:57:38,955
我一直都說:“應該是你死,夢娜”

1056
00:57:42,125 --> 00:57:45,043
第二天早上醒來
黎安看著我說:“時候到了

1057
00:57:45,044 --> 00:57:47,004
打給那個小姐”,所以我出去

1058
00:57:47,005 --> 00:57:48,672
我的腦袋還不清楚

1059
00:57:48,673 --> 00:57:51,509
我記得打電話說
“你是殺狗的臭女人嗎”

1060
00:57:52,719 --> 00:57:54,137
她說:“就是我”

1061
00:57:54,721 --> 00:57:55,847
她很冷酷

1062
00:57:56,514 --> 00:57:57,932
她說:“什麼品種?”

1063
00:57:58,766 --> 00:58:00,435
我說:“重要嗎?

1064
00:58:01,102 --> 00:58:02,604
反正都要殺了”

1065
00:58:03,188 --> 00:58:05,147
她說:“什麼品種?”

1066
00:58:05,148 --> 00:58:07,233
我說:“真的要問?鬥牛獒”

1067
00:58:07,734 --> 00:58:09,861
她說:“好,45分鐘後到”

1068
00:58:11,112 --> 00:58:12,363
然後掛斷了

1069
00:58:12,989 --> 00:58:15,116
我都還來不及說慢慢來呢

1070
00:58:16,201 --> 00:58:20,330
她45分鐘後現身
還帶男朋友來,我覺得很怪

1071
00:58:21,247 --> 00:58:23,582
我再想,他們是剛好吃午餐

1072
00:58:23,583 --> 00:58:25,375
然後接到電話就說:“等等

1073
00:58:25,376 --> 00:58:28,129
喂,我要殺狗,你要來嗎?”

1074
00:58:29,255 --> 00:58:30,924
然後他問:“什麼品種?”

1075
00:58:33,218 --> 00:58:34,760
他甚至沒自我介紹

1076
00:58:34,761 --> 00:58:37,387
他在我們客廳坐黎安的辦公椅

1077
00:58:37,388 --> 00:58:38,515
然後旁觀

1078
00:58:40,141 --> 00:58:41,935
她給小普打一針

1079
00:58:43,019 --> 00:58:44,144
讓牠舒服點

1080
00:58:44,145 --> 00:58:45,979
我知道你們有經驗

1081
00:58:45,980 --> 00:58:49,525
整個過程中最讓人難過的一刻

1082
00:58:49,526 --> 00:58:53,278
就是這隻狗努力一整晚想活下去

1083
00:58:53,279 --> 00:58:55,949
結果突然就放鬆了,就這樣...

1084
00:58:57,825 --> 00:58:59,244
“我復活了,寶貝!

1085
00:58:59,744 --> 00:59:02,079
感覺真好!誰要散步的?

1086
00:59:02,080 --> 00:59:04,998
你們以為我要死了,我今天不會死

1087
00:59:04,999 --> 00:59:07,460
你要打手槍嗎?我到外面”,這隻狗...

1088
00:59:08,503 --> 00:59:11,881
牠爬上沙發後就倒下去了

1089
00:59:12,382 --> 00:59:15,343
黎安看著我說:“我們在做好事”

1090
00:59:15,969 --> 00:59:17,512
所以我們把小普放到沙發上

1091
00:59:18,054 --> 00:59:21,015
那個小姐說:“現在該跟狗道別了”

1092
00:59:22,392 --> 00:59:23,351
好痛心

1093
00:59:23,851 --> 00:59:27,145
最扯的是,父母有時會犧牲自己

1094
00:59:27,146 --> 00:59:30,524
好讓孩子和配偶過得更好

1095
00:59:30,525 --> 00:59:31,942
你放棄個人需要

1096
00:59:31,943 --> 00:59:36,029
讓他們過得更好,但你畢竟是個人

1097
00:59:36,030 --> 00:59:37,490
在那時

1098
00:59:37,991 --> 00:59:42,662
我還記得很不爽
因為我那邊沒辦法跟牠好好道別

1099
00:59:44,414 --> 00:59:47,249
因為女兒和黎安在小普的頭那邊

1100
00:59:47,250 --> 00:59:49,167
跟牠說她們有多愛牠

1101
00:59:49,168 --> 00:59:51,254
我只能摸牠屁股

1102
00:59:52,171 --> 00:59:53,422
牠不知道我在那裡

1103
00:59:53,423 --> 00:59:55,883
我就像雜交活動在角落自慰的人

1104
01:00:04,642 --> 01:00:05,727
那位小姐進來

1105
01:00:06,227 --> 01:00:07,604
拿著下一針

1106
01:00:09,105 --> 01:00:10,147
幫小普注射

1107
01:00:10,148 --> 01:00:13,526
小普走了,牠最後一眼看到我的妻女

1108
01:00:14,027 --> 01:00:15,778
跟牠說她們很愛牠

1109
01:00:16,738 --> 01:00:18,447
我還沒跟我的狗道別

1110
01:00:18,448 --> 01:00:21,951
我是無所謂,因為我覺得至少我沒哭

1111
01:00:23,161 --> 01:00:25,370
情緒平復了一點,男朋友過來

1112
01:00:25,371 --> 01:00:27,165
他說:“我叫尼克”,我說...

1113
01:00:29,500 --> 01:00:31,002
“現在講太晚了,尼克”

1114
01:00:32,462 --> 01:00:35,923
他說:“幫我把狗抬上我們的吉普車”

1115
01:00:37,258 --> 01:00:39,760
我才曉得她為什麼要帶男朋友來

1116
01:00:39,761 --> 01:00:41,553
我才他媽全都...

1117
01:00:41,554 --> 01:00:43,764
我那時才知道她幹嘛問品種

1118
01:00:43,765 --> 01:00:48,144
因為她剛開始做這行時
忘了問家屬狗的品種

1119
01:00:48,811 --> 01:00:49,771
結果殺了狗

1120
01:00:50,813 --> 01:00:53,566
站在一隻聖伯納面前...

1121
01:00:55,860 --> 01:00:58,279
“應該在靠近車子的地方殺掉”

1122
01:01:02,450 --> 01:01:05,911
我還沒哭,結果因為這件事崩潰

1123
01:01:05,912 --> 01:01:09,874
男人一向會因為沒想到的事而崩潰

1124
01:01:10,458 --> 01:01:12,794
普莉西拉死時,在沙發上拉屎

1125
01:01:14,253 --> 01:01:16,630
那傢伙過去要抱牠到輪床上

1126
01:01:16,631 --> 01:01:18,508
他一把手放到

1127
01:01:19,717 --> 01:01:22,220
下面時,手臂就碰到屎

1128
01:01:22,720 --> 01:01:25,556
熱熱的,還跑進手錶,他說:“幹!

1129
01:01:26,182 --> 01:01:27,975
你的狗在沙發上拉屎!”

1130
01:01:28,476 --> 01:01:31,520
牠是我的狗,我要幫牠講話
我說:“沒關係,寶貝女兒”

1131
01:01:31,521 --> 01:01:34,398
我摸牠的頭時,才發現...

1132
01:01:34,399 --> 01:01:37,235
鬥牛獒的額頭有很多皺紋

1133
01:01:37,819 --> 01:01:39,278
可是現在沒有了

1134
01:01:43,991 --> 01:01:45,326
等一下

1135
01:01:46,619 --> 01:01:48,329
等一下,男人哭很醜

1136
01:01:48,830 --> 01:01:50,580
我們不哭,女人很擅長哭

1137
01:01:50,581 --> 01:01:53,042
男人哭就像女人大在褲子裡

1138
01:01:54,377 --> 01:01:57,880
女人大在褲子裡就很遜
男的大在褲子裡超有型

1139
01:01:58,589 --> 01:02:00,465
男人會說:“我拉在褲子裡

1140
01:02:00,466 --> 01:02:02,510
別讓她拿走我的雞翅,馬上回來”

1141
01:02:03,845 --> 01:02:07,640
女人如果這樣,那天就毀了
她會說:“我剛剛大在褲子裡!

1142
01:02:08,141 --> 01:02:11,060
我穿丁字褲,高跟鞋都沾到了!”

1143
01:02:12,061 --> 01:02:16,148
我哭得跟女人失禁一樣
結果眼淚、鼻涕直流

1144
01:02:16,149 --> 01:02:20,235
我去拿輪床,抬起來時
看到這傢伙開始反胃

1145
01:02:20,236 --> 01:02:22,112
他全身都是狗屎

1146
01:02:22,113 --> 01:02:24,406
現在哭也太奇怪了

1147
01:02:24,407 --> 01:02:27,452
我感覺到兩個女兒拍我的背

1148
01:02:28,453 --> 01:02:30,871
開始撫摸我的背,跟我一起走

1149
01:02:30,872 --> 01:02:34,000
我們走到外面時,我發現

1150
01:02:34,709 --> 01:02:37,919
我女兒知道只有一個辦法能讓我不哭

1151
01:02:37,920 --> 01:02:39,505
就是逗我笑

1152
01:02:40,131 --> 01:02:41,590
我們走出大門時

1153
01:02:41,591 --> 01:02:44,301
那個人說:“要把牠放到吉普車後座”

1154
01:02:44,302 --> 01:02:46,845
喬吉雅面無表情,看著他說

1155
01:02:46,846 --> 01:02:48,765
“牠平常都坐前座”

1156
01:02:57,440 --> 01:03:01,068
我看到這傢伙他媽的超級錯亂

1157
01:03:03,237 --> 01:03:06,240
他說:“可是我要坐前座”

1158
01:03:07,492 --> 01:03:10,286
她沒破功,繼續說:“牠會暈車”

1159
01:03:12,038 --> 01:03:13,331
這傢伙他媽...

1160
01:03:15,833 --> 01:03:17,585
“我們會開得很慢”

1161
01:03:18,795 --> 01:03:20,671
我們把普莉西拉放到後座

1162
01:03:21,297 --> 01:03:23,965
那傢伙移到旁邊,我女兒退後

1163
01:03:23,966 --> 01:03:26,636
我才發現她們要讓我跟狗狗說再見

1164
01:03:28,679 --> 01:03:31,682
我願意說出來,是因為大家都有經驗

1165
01:03:32,183 --> 01:03:33,559
狗狗真他媽棒

1166
01:03:34,101 --> 01:03:36,311
我靠過去,牠看起來好漂亮

1167
01:03:36,312 --> 01:03:39,732
然後我說:“寶貝女兒,我愛你

1168
01:03:40,483 --> 01:03:43,026
我對你的要求,你都做到了

1169
01:03:43,027 --> 01:03:44,528
你真是最好的狗

1170
01:03:44,529 --> 01:03:48,658
你盡到責任了
你他媽是有史以來最好的恐怖分子”

1171
01:03:49,659 --> 01:03:51,494
旁邊這傢伙說...

1172
01:03:54,622 --> 01:03:56,082
“牠是恐怖分子?”

1173
01:03:57,250 --> 01:03:59,961
喬吉雅接話:“比伊斯蘭國還強”

1174
01:04:03,256 --> 01:04:05,257
然後我開始講一堆綽號

1175
01:04:05,258 --> 01:04:09,720
全都是我跟牠才懂的笑話
我說:“小噗僕普舖

1176
01:04:11,013 --> 01:04:13,015
我不會剪掉你的耳朵”

1177
01:04:13,599 --> 01:04:15,684
我以前跟牠說:“這是我的耳朵

1178
01:04:15,685 --> 01:04:17,770
等你死了,我要剪下來留著”

1179
01:04:18,271 --> 01:04:20,397
現在我看著這隻漂亮的狗,說

1180
01:04:20,398 --> 01:04:22,900
“你沒耳朵看起來太白癡了

1181
01:04:23,651 --> 01:04:27,279
在天堂會交不到朋友
我他媽不剪掉你的耳朵了”

1182
01:04:27,280 --> 01:04:30,783
這個人整個愣住,他說
“幹,他在講什麼鬼?

1183
01:04:31,659 --> 01:04:32,784
他想剪牠的耳朵”

1184
01:04:32,785 --> 01:04:35,246
艾拉說:“嚴格說來是他的耳朵”

1185
01:04:36,289 --> 01:04:39,667
然後黎安出來,那個女魔頭也出來

1186
01:04:40,626 --> 01:04:43,587
她們都站在我身邊,我最後講一句話

1187
01:04:43,588 --> 01:04:46,382
“寶貝女兒,你還是能讓我硬

1188
01:04:48,134 --> 01:04:49,927
我的老二現在超硬的”

1189
01:04:50,678 --> 01:04:52,637
我聽到黎安笑著說

1190
01:04:52,638 --> 01:04:55,391
“只有牠能讓你勃起,寶貝”

1191
01:04:55,892 --> 01:04:58,603
那兩人整個他媽的愣住

1192
01:04:59,478 --> 01:05:01,855
艾拉過來,把手放到我的背上說

1193
01:05:01,856 --> 01:05:04,692
“大塊頭,沒關係了”

1194
01:05:05,818 --> 01:05:09,697
然後她看著那對男女說
“牠醒的話,你們會打來吧?”

1195
01:05:11,532 --> 01:05:13,784
幹,這就是我的最佳搭檔

1196
01:05:20,041 --> 01:05:21,291
謝謝各位!

1197
01:05:21,292 --> 01:05:23,210
上帝保佑,晚安!

1198
01:07:18,367 --> 01:07:20,369
字幕翻譯:溫鳳祺