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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Nobody thinks about
the real winner
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of the participation trophy.
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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It's the guys that own
the trophy shop.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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Right? Think of how hard
it was to town a trophy shop
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before they had
participation trophies.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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I imagine they were brothers,
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one of them was
stressed out all the time,
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the other one
just drunk all the time...
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And the stressed out
brother's like, "Man!
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"Things aren't going good."
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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"We're selling
like four trophies a year!"
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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And then, the drunk brother
is just like,
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"Let's just give that boy
a trophy for showing up."
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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And now those guys own yachts.
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So...
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[OPENING THEME PLAYING]
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WOMAN: [ANNOUNCING]Ladies and gentlemen,
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Bill Squire!
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[AUDIENCE CHEERING, CLAPPING]
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Thank you. Thank you so much.
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Thank you.
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Sorry. I'm not moving too good.
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I'm a little... like in pain
because it was leg day.
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Tomorrow I think
I'm gonna do wings.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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No, it's cool. I didn't wanna
be here either. [CHUCKLES]
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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I didn't... I wanted to be
a professional athlete when I was a kid.
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But I got bullied out of it
by this dude named "Dad."
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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Because I played basketball
when I was a kid,
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and one time I played one-on-one
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against a kid that only had
one hand...
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and he beat me.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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And I didn't have
the type of dad that's like,
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"If you just believe in yourself
and work your hardest,
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"there's nothing
that can stop you.
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"You'll make it
all the way to the top."
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No, my dad was like,
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"Do you see why I don't like
going to your games?"
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING]
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"It's-it's embarrassing.
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"He's going left."
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING]
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Actually, don't clap
for that one that's ableist.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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My dad got mad at me
when I was a kid,
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for getting
a participation trophy.
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People act like those are new!
I got one in the 80s.
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I played soccer
at the end of the season.
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They gave me a trophy,
and my dad goes,
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"You didn't earn that."
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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I was like, "Yeah, I'm six,
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"I've never earned
anything. Like, I...
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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"I'm not a newsie."
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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I don't get that, though.
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People get so mad about
the participation trophies.
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I got them. It didn't
give me any confidence,
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and I think it's because
I wet the bed
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until I was 14 years old.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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Yeah, and then,
a few years in my 30s,
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when I was going through
a divorce, drinking a lot.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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And my parents tried to
help me out not wet the bed...
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Well, my mom tried to help me...
Not wet the bed...
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I don't know if my dad
knew that I wet the bed.
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There was five kids
in our family,
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and he wasn't like the dad
that... knew about his kids.
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Like, he never went to a...
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a doctor's appointment
or like a school meeting.
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He was just like, "Su,
this one smells weird."
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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"Put him
in the back of the van."
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Got Rosa Park-ed.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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But my mom,
she took me to a doctor.
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and the doctor told me
that what I should do
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to try and stop wetting the bed,
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is suck in my belly
a bunch of times.
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And that should strengthen
my pelvic floor.
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And then maybe I'll be able to
hold my urine through the night.
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So basically at eight years old,
the doctor is like,
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"Do some Kegels,
see what happens."
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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And it didn't work.
I still wet the bet.
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But, boy, is my pussy tight.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING]
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[AUDIENCE WHISTLING]
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Gotta start young,
right, ladies?
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[WOMEN IN AUDIENCE CHEERING]
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Yeah.
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Now, ladies, if you've been
doing your Kegels,
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clap without using your hands,
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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[BILL LAUGHING]
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There's some curtains...
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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So that didn't work,
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so my mom had to figure out
something to do
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to stop me from wetting the bed
and she couldn't stop me.
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So she just made me
wear diapers to bed.
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That's all she could think of.
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Like she, just... Like,
I was a small kid.
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So I fit
the largest-size pamper.
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And she made me
wear that to bed,
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and then that was it.
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And then she's like,
"Be proud of who you are!
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"And don't let anybody
make you feel like you're less than."
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And then she sent me off
to sleepovers and camp.
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And I got bullied relentlessly
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- AUDIENCE: Aww!
- Because... Yeah, it's okay.
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Even if the kids,
they didn't see the diaper,
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they could still hear it.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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Diapers are so loud!
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And the ironic thing?
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The only way
to get a diaper to be quiet,
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is to get it wet.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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So kids would find out
about my diaper,
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and then they'd bully me.
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They'd be like, "Ooh, boy,
you got to wear a diaper.
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"What are you,
a little piss-baby?
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"Aw, piss-baby's
gotta wear a diaper!"
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That's what they called me,
"Piss-baby."
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And in 2023,
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if I was a kid that wet the bed,
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I'd still get bullied.
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There's no advocacy group
for bed-wetters.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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Right? There's no hashtag.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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Right?
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There's no parade.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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There's no flag.
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And it'd be
the easiest flag to make.
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White, yellow spot.
I made them all the time!
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING]
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But no, nothing like that.
So I just got bullied.
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But then there's one kid.
He had an older brother.
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He pulled me aside one day,
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and he's like, "Dude,
don't worry about it.
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"I used to wet the bed.
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"When I hit puberty,
that's when it stopped."
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So I got very excited
about puberty.
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And in fifth grade,
they did sex ed.
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I don't know how they did it
in your school,
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but in our school,
they did it like this.
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Boys go in one room,
girls go in another room.
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And then,
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they turned off all the lights.
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But before that, all the boys
are like 11, 12 years old,
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like, "Pfft!
We don't need this.
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"We already know everything
there is to know about sex.
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"We're all
having sex all the time."
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Very cocky 11-year-olds...
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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And then they turned
the lights off,
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and turned on
the overhead projector,
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and showed us that diagram
of a woman's reproductive system
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that looks like
the sloth from Ice Age.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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And we're all like, "Are we
horny right now?
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"Because this
is weird I think.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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"I didn't know there was
gonna be so many tubes."
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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But then there was the cool kid.
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He knew more about sex
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than what they
taught us in class.
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He knew about, like... oral sex,
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and anal sex,
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and what it felt like.
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And then 30 years later,
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you try and write
a joke about it,
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and you're like, "Oh, no,
something happened to Brad!"
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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We all thought he was bragging.
Turns out it was a cry for help.
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We're like,
"You're the coolest, Brad!"
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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And he's like, "I don't
like going to scouts!"
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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Right. It's all right.
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He got a huge settlement.
He's killing it now.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:47,968
So I was all pumped for puberty,
but I was a late bloomer.
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00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:50,304
I didn't get any puberty
when I was 11,
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00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:52,372
when I was 12, still nothing...
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13, nada!
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00:07:54,408 --> 00:07:57,511
And then, 14,
things started happening.
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I got a few hairs under my arms.
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00:08:01,215 --> 00:08:03,317
I got one hair on my balls,
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that I protected with my life.
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00:08:05,419 --> 00:08:07,321
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:08:07,321 --> 00:08:08,555
I was like,
I can't have my balls
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00:08:08,555 --> 00:08:10,257
going back
to looking like Caillou.
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00:08:10,257 --> 00:08:11,925
I need at least a Charlie Brown.
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00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:14,661
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING]
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00:08:16,530 --> 00:08:17,698
And then it happened.
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00:08:17,698 --> 00:08:19,032
I stopped wetting the bed.
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00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:20,901
I went like two weeks
without wetting the bed.
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00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:23,203
And it's the first time
in my life,
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00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:24,471
that I felt confidence.
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00:08:24,471 --> 00:08:27,107
And this happens
to a lot of people in their teenage years.
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They kind of figure out
what they're doing,
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00:08:29,443 --> 00:08:30,611
where they're going with life.
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00:08:30,611 --> 00:08:31,845
Like, I had a cousin...
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00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:34,014
When he was a year
older than me, 15 years old,
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00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:36,617
he won a state championship
in wrestling,
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00:08:36,617 --> 00:08:38,652
and that madehim feel confident.
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00:08:38,652 --> 00:08:41,655
Lebron James,
when he was 16 years old,
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00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:45,592
was on the cover
of Sports Illustrated magazine.
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00:08:45,592 --> 00:08:47,928
And when I was 14 years old,
I was like... [SCOFFS]
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00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:49,596
"I don't gotta wear
diapers anymore!"
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00:08:49,596 --> 00:08:50,998
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:08:54,568 --> 00:08:55,736
Right?
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00:08:58,272 --> 00:09:00,140
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
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00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:05,312
Different accomplishments,
same exact feeling.
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00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:06,280
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:10,250
So I stopped wearing a diaper.
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00:09:10,250 --> 00:09:12,186
But I didn't tell anybody.
I just stopped doing it.
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- And then we went...
- [AUDIENCE GIGGLING]
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00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:15,088
Yeah.
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00:09:15,088 --> 00:09:16,490
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
238
00:09:16,490 --> 00:09:18,058
And then we went on
a road trip as a family,
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00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:20,093
and that night,
we stayed in a motel.
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00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:21,929
And I was sleeping
on the pullout couch.
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00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:23,664
You know,
the little thin mattress
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00:09:23,664 --> 00:09:25,098
with the bar
that goes down the middle,
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00:09:25,098 --> 00:09:27,434
that gives you
scoliosis immediately.
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00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:28,669
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:09:30,704 --> 00:09:32,206
And that night,
I think I peed more pee
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00:09:32,206 --> 00:09:34,341
than anybody's ever peed
in their entire life.
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00:09:34,341 --> 00:09:36,043
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:09:36,043 --> 00:09:38,478
I'm serious. It filled up
the whole mattress...
249
00:09:38,478 --> 00:09:39,680
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
250
00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:41,081
- ...and was dripping through.
- AUDIENCE: Oh!
251
00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:43,183
I know, and I'm not
telling you that
252
00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:44,251
to try and gross you out,
253
00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:46,687
I'm telling you that
because when my mom saw it,
254
00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:48,222
she was like, "Billy!"
255
00:09:48,222 --> 00:09:49,489
AUDIENCE: Aw!
256
00:09:49,489 --> 00:09:51,792
"Why didn't you wear
your diaper?"
257
00:09:51,792 --> 00:09:53,227
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
258
00:09:53,227 --> 00:09:55,696
But remember, I have
all this newfound confidence
259
00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:57,197
that I don't know how to wield,
260
00:09:57,197 --> 00:09:59,766
so I was like, "Pfft.
Don't worry about it, Mom.
261
00:10:00,634 --> 00:10:02,336
"I've gone through puberty.
262
00:10:03,504 --> 00:10:06,507
"That's... not... pee."
263
00:10:06,507 --> 00:10:07,875
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
264
00:10:12,846 --> 00:10:15,115
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
265
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:17,518
Then my mom
had to explain to me,
266
00:10:17,518 --> 00:10:19,987
that when you have
a wet dream,
267
00:10:19,987 --> 00:10:22,289
not that much stuff comes out!
268
00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:23,790
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
269
00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:29,897
Did any of your moms
ever tell you you didn't come?
270
00:10:29,897 --> 00:10:31,398
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]
271
00:10:38,438 --> 00:10:39,506
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
272
00:10:39,506 --> 00:10:40,707
Yeah.
273
00:10:42,376 --> 00:10:43,844
Listen, it's not better...
274
00:10:43,844 --> 00:10:46,079
It's not better
if they told you, you did.
275
00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:47,281
Like, it's not...
276
00:10:47,281 --> 00:10:49,116
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
277
00:10:49,116 --> 00:10:51,185
[MIMICKING A MOTHER]
"Oh, that was so much, sweetheart!"
278
00:10:51,185 --> 00:10:52,319
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
279
00:10:53,787 --> 00:10:55,589
"So many ropes!"
280
00:10:55,589 --> 00:10:56,890
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
281
00:10:57,758 --> 00:10:59,660
That's a lose-lose situation.
282
00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:00,827
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
283
00:11:01,728 --> 00:11:02,963
But that's not what my mom said.
284
00:11:02,963 --> 00:11:04,097
She didn't say
anything like that.
285
00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:05,599
My mom is a very religious lady.
286
00:11:05,599 --> 00:11:07,301
The way my mom
explained it to me,
287
00:11:07,301 --> 00:11:08,669
was very simple and sweet.
288
00:11:08,669 --> 00:11:09,837
And all she said was,
289
00:11:09,837 --> 00:11:12,673
"Billy, that's not
how the magic happens."
290
00:11:12,673 --> 00:11:13,974
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
291
00:11:14,942 --> 00:11:16,543
And I didn't think
anything of that,
292
00:11:16,543 --> 00:11:18,045
because you never know
how phrases
293
00:11:18,045 --> 00:11:20,314
are going to stick
into your mind, though.
294
00:11:20,314 --> 00:11:22,015
And so a few years later,
295
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:25,819
I was watching a show
on MTV, called Cribs,
296
00:11:26,854 --> 00:11:29,223
and Snoop Dogg
was showing off his bedroom.
297
00:11:30,457 --> 00:11:31,725
And he walks in,
298
00:11:31,725 --> 00:11:33,227
and he points to his bed,
299
00:11:33,227 --> 00:11:34,194
and he says,
300
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:36,330
"This is where
the magic happens."
301
00:11:36,330 --> 00:11:38,398
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
302
00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:41,902
And I got a boner
that I'm still not okay with...
303
00:11:41,902 --> 00:11:43,770
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
304
00:11:43,770 --> 00:11:46,273
...because I don't know
what that means.
305
00:11:46,273 --> 00:11:50,043
It's been rattling around
in my head for a long time,
306
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:52,079
and I don't want to
unlock that box,
307
00:11:52,079 --> 00:11:53,747
because there's
a fetish in there,
308
00:11:53,747 --> 00:11:55,916
that, honestly, if I unlock it,
309
00:11:55,916 --> 00:11:57,718
I'm probably gonna
feel real good. And...
310
00:11:57,718 --> 00:11:59,253
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
311
00:11:59,253 --> 00:12:00,921
But I don't want it,
because it's either about
312
00:12:00,921 --> 00:12:03,423
Snoop Dogg or my mom,
or piss or all three.
313
00:12:03,423 --> 00:12:04,558
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
314
00:12:04,558 --> 00:12:05,759
And I hate that.
315
00:12:05,759 --> 00:12:07,160
I hate that so much.
316
00:12:08,362 --> 00:12:09,830
But do I?
317
00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:11,064
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
318
00:12:12,332 --> 00:12:14,801
...because it might be
the best thing I ever do.
319
00:12:14,801 --> 00:12:16,303
But I can't tell you that
320
00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:17,671
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
321
00:12:17,671 --> 00:12:19,439
People are ashamed of fetishes.
322
00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:21,108
That... is a fetish.
323
00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:23,744
People are weird
about fetishes,
324
00:12:23,744 --> 00:12:25,078
and they don't...
325
00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:26,747
Like, guys get shamed
all the time for their fetishes.
326
00:12:26,747 --> 00:12:30,017
Like, uh, guys get shamed
for being into feet.
327
00:12:30,017 --> 00:12:31,018
Right?
328
00:12:31,018 --> 00:12:32,619
Women are always like,
"Oh, guys are into feet!
329
00:12:32,619 --> 00:12:33,854
"That's so weird,"
330
00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:35,689
which is so hypocritical
because women,
331
00:12:35,689 --> 00:12:37,324
you're into feet, too...
332
00:12:37,324 --> 00:12:39,326
...uh, just six feet.
333
00:12:39,326 --> 00:12:40,694
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
334
00:12:40,694 --> 00:12:42,296
MAN IN AUDIENCE: Yes!
335
00:12:42,296 --> 00:12:43,263
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
336
00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:44,998
Lot of... [CHUCKLES]
337
00:12:44,998 --> 00:12:46,767
All the guys in here
are over six feet.
338
00:12:46,767 --> 00:12:47,901
Cool.
339
00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:49,403
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
340
00:12:49,403 --> 00:12:50,671
Not a problem for me!
341
00:12:50,671 --> 00:12:52,005
You guys never heard
of the dating app
342
00:12:52,005 --> 00:12:53,373
where a woman's like,
343
00:12:53,373 --> 00:12:55,542
"Oh, gotta be six feet tall
if you want some of this"?
344
00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:57,077
Like, okay...
345
00:12:57,077 --> 00:12:59,379
I mean I am, so it's fine.
But... [LAUGHS]
346
00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:00,848
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
347
00:13:00,848 --> 00:13:02,149
But then they see
the rest of your body,
348
00:13:02,149 --> 00:13:04,418
and they're like, "Oh, there's
other requirements."
349
00:13:04,418 --> 00:13:05,452
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
350
00:13:10,023 --> 00:13:12,793
But I love you, ladies.
I think you're amazing.
351
00:13:12,793 --> 00:13:14,161
I think you're great.
352
00:13:14,161 --> 00:13:17,030
My whole life, I've heard
how great you are from women,
353
00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:19,032
and I've bought into the hype,
because women always talk
354
00:13:19,032 --> 00:13:20,934
about how women are strong.
355
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:23,604
Women are smart,
women are funny.
356
00:13:23,604 --> 00:13:26,006
Women should run the world.
357
00:13:26,006 --> 00:13:27,407
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
358
00:13:29,676 --> 00:13:31,011
All right. So, why
do you get mad
359
00:13:31,011 --> 00:13:32,980
when we want to sleep
with more than one of you?
360
00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:34,314
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
361
00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:38,819
Took the bait, you dumb bitches!
362
00:13:38,819 --> 00:13:40,220
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
363
00:13:45,192 --> 00:13:47,461
Has anybody here
ever cheated on somebody?
364
00:13:47,461 --> 00:13:48,762
Me neither.
365
00:13:48,762 --> 00:13:49,930
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
366
00:13:51,298 --> 00:13:53,400
No, I cheated
on a girl one time,
367
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:54,468
and she got really mad.
368
00:13:54,468 --> 00:13:56,403
And the thing
she was most mad about,
369
00:13:56,403 --> 00:13:57,938
is that the girl
that I cheated with,
370
00:13:57,938 --> 00:13:59,540
wasn't prettier than her
371
00:13:59,540 --> 00:14:01,408
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- Right?
372
00:14:01,408 --> 00:14:04,011
She's like, "She wasn't even
prettier than me!"
373
00:14:04,011 --> 00:14:06,413
But what's another thing
that women always say?
374
00:14:06,413 --> 00:14:08,782
It's what's on the inside
that counts...
375
00:14:08,782 --> 00:14:09,917
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
376
00:14:09,917 --> 00:14:12,486
And inside the girl
that I cheated with,
377
00:14:12,486 --> 00:14:13,987
was no gag reflex.
378
00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:15,856
So I was like, "You just
got to get to know her!"
379
00:14:15,856 --> 00:14:17,191
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
380
00:14:17,891 --> 00:14:19,326
[AUDIENCE WHISTLING]
381
00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:29,570
And now, I'm dating millennials.
382
00:14:29,570 --> 00:14:30,704
I am a millennial.
383
00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:33,006
I'm just like the old end
of the millennial spectrum.
384
00:14:33,006 --> 00:14:35,275
But the younger ones,
they like butt stuff.
385
00:14:35,275 --> 00:14:37,211
- Like, that's the thing...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
386
00:14:37,211 --> 00:14:40,480
Like... Butts are on the table.
387
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:42,816
My butt, their butt,
butts get touched.
388
00:14:42,816 --> 00:14:44,518
- And I know there's--
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
389
00:14:44,518 --> 00:14:45,786
There's a lot of guys like,
390
00:14:45,786 --> 00:14:47,554
"Oh, no girl's
gonna touch my butt.
391
00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:49,356
"My butt's exit only.
392
00:14:49,356 --> 00:14:51,592
"No one's sticking
a finger up my butt."
393
00:14:51,592 --> 00:14:54,595
But it's like, come on,
you never climbed up a slide.
394
00:14:54,595 --> 00:14:55,662
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
395
00:15:00,734 --> 00:15:02,069
Right?
396
00:15:02,069 --> 00:15:04,004
You never went the wrong way
up an escalator like...
397
00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:05,706
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
398
00:15:05,706 --> 00:15:08,442
All I'm saying is, sometimes,
going the wrong way can be kind of fun.
399
00:15:08,442 --> 00:15:10,043
- All right?
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
400
00:15:10,043 --> 00:15:12,779
Like, if they get in there,
and push that button,
401
00:15:12,779 --> 00:15:14,648
Hey, hey!
402
00:15:14,648 --> 00:15:15,949
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
403
00:15:17,251 --> 00:15:18,785
Now, if they do it wrong,
it just feels like
404
00:15:18,785 --> 00:15:20,687
you're pooping fingers
and I don't like that, but...
405
00:15:28,462 --> 00:15:29,796
Yeah, I said fingers.
406
00:15:29,796 --> 00:15:30,964
I'm a slut. Uh...
407
00:15:30,964 --> 00:15:32,232
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING]
408
00:15:35,002 --> 00:15:36,670
[AUDIENCE WHISTLING]
409
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:43,443
A lot of guys
want a bigger dick.
410
00:15:44,511 --> 00:15:46,280
I don't want
my dick to be bigger.
411
00:15:47,181 --> 00:15:48,782
I just want it to vibrate.
412
00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:50,517
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
413
00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:51,952
That's it.
414
00:15:51,952 --> 00:15:53,320
That's all I want.
415
00:15:54,321 --> 00:15:56,590
Because I I know
what my dick does, and it's...
416
00:15:56,590 --> 00:15:57,658
[SIGHS]
417
00:15:57,658 --> 00:15:58,625
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
418
00:15:59,626 --> 00:16:01,428
That's what, like...
419
00:16:01,428 --> 00:16:03,530
I don't mind
using a vibrator with a girl
420
00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:05,232
Like, I was hooking up
with this one girl once,
421
00:16:05,232 --> 00:16:06,733
and I used the vibrator on her.
422
00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:08,068
And she made a noise like...
423
00:16:08,068 --> 00:16:09,203
[GRUNTS] "Oh!"
424
00:16:09,203 --> 00:16:11,071
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
425
00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:14,508
And the only way I could get
a girl to make that noise with my body is
426
00:16:14,508 --> 00:16:16,610
if I actually knocked
the wind out of her.
427
00:16:16,610 --> 00:16:17,744
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
428
00:16:20,681 --> 00:16:22,816
Like, if I pushed her
too high on a swing,
429
00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:24,084
and she fell on her back
430
00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:25,652
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
431
00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:27,154
And she's like, [GRUNTS] "Oh!"
432
00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:29,623
And I'm like, "Did you come?"
433
00:16:29,623 --> 00:16:30,891
[LAUGHS AWKWARDLY]
434
00:16:30,891 --> 00:16:32,159
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
435
00:16:39,399 --> 00:16:41,935
But they don't make
like an implant you can put.
436
00:16:41,935 --> 00:16:43,737
I don't want, like,
a cock ring that just...
437
00:16:43,737 --> 00:16:46,173
you put it and take it off,
and have to wash it and stuff.
438
00:16:46,173 --> 00:16:47,774
I don't want that.
I want, like, an implant.
439
00:16:47,774 --> 00:16:49,176
But they don't make that.
440
00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:51,044
So, I'm just gonna jerk off
with Michael J. Fox's blood
441
00:16:51,044 --> 00:16:52,246
till I get shaky.
442
00:16:52,246 --> 00:16:53,780
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING]
443
00:17:03,624 --> 00:17:04,691
I know.
444
00:17:04,691 --> 00:17:05,659
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
445
00:17:08,262 --> 00:17:10,397
That's the moment where people
have to make a decision.
446
00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:12,833
"Are we... Are we here,
or are we not?"
447
00:17:12,833 --> 00:17:14,234
You're here, okay?
448
00:17:14,234 --> 00:17:15,435
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
449
00:17:15,435 --> 00:17:17,271
And I get a lot of stuff
for my jokes, like,
450
00:17:17,271 --> 00:17:19,106
a lot of people
that will be like,
451
00:17:19,106 --> 00:17:20,574
They'll see my jokes online,
452
00:17:20,574 --> 00:17:22,676
they'll be like, "Oh, I don't
like dirty comedy.
453
00:17:22,676 --> 00:17:24,044
"I like clean comedy."
454
00:17:24,044 --> 00:17:27,080
It's actually harder
to do clean comedy,
455
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:29,183
and I disagree.
456
00:17:29,183 --> 00:17:31,885
Because, when you do
dirty comedy,
457
00:17:31,885 --> 00:17:35,589
people say things like,
"I only like clean comedy."
458
00:17:35,589 --> 00:17:38,225
And then I have to
resist murdering them.
459
00:17:38,225 --> 00:17:39,593
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
460
00:17:40,694 --> 00:17:41,995
And that's really hard.
461
00:17:41,995 --> 00:17:43,764
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
462
00:17:43,764 --> 00:17:45,766
Also, when you do dirty comedy,
463
00:17:45,766 --> 00:17:49,069
and somebody says
"I only like clean comedy,"
464
00:17:49,069 --> 00:17:51,038
you have to fuck their mom.
465
00:17:51,038 --> 00:17:52,439
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
466
00:17:52,439 --> 00:17:57,311
You have to fuck their mom
in their mom's big red pussy.
467
00:17:57,311 --> 00:17:58,679
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
468
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,649
Red like one of those
old hot water bottles.
469
00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:03,817
Just...
470
00:18:03,817 --> 00:18:05,118
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
471
00:18:08,388 --> 00:18:10,090
That's a vibrant word picture.
472
00:18:10,090 --> 00:18:11,425
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
473
00:18:17,064 --> 00:18:18,899
So, anyway, I'm single. Uh...
474
00:18:18,899 --> 00:18:20,167
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
475
00:18:22,970 --> 00:18:24,505
I get into a lot
of trouble with ladies,
476
00:18:24,505 --> 00:18:26,573
because you do things
that drive me crazy,
477
00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:29,176
and I just tell you
that they drive me crazy.
478
00:18:29,176 --> 00:18:31,111
Like, I like
when you wear baggy pants
479
00:18:31,111 --> 00:18:33,080
more than you wear
tight pants, ladies,
480
00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:34,815
and a lot of guys
like tight pants.
481
00:18:34,815 --> 00:18:37,684
I like baggy pants because
they fall right to the floor.
482
00:18:37,684 --> 00:18:39,253
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
483
00:18:39,253 --> 00:18:40,521
Tight pants,
when you take them off...
484
00:18:40,521 --> 00:18:41,922
The first time
you take them off,
485
00:18:41,922 --> 00:18:44,324
you take them off all sexy,
like bend over at the waist
486
00:18:44,324 --> 00:18:45,559
and just kind of
wiggle out of them,
487
00:18:45,559 --> 00:18:47,728
and it's all hot
and your ass is out, mmm.
488
00:18:47,728 --> 00:18:48,896
But every time after that,
489
00:18:48,896 --> 00:18:50,831
when you take off tight pants,
you just stomp on them...
490
00:18:50,831 --> 00:18:51,832
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
491
00:18:53,901 --> 00:18:55,235
...like a toddler. Just like...
492
00:18:55,235 --> 00:18:56,503
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
493
00:19:02,743 --> 00:19:04,945
When you get into bed,
you're like, "Are you ready?"
494
00:19:04,945 --> 00:19:06,113
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
"No!"
495
00:19:06,113 --> 00:19:07,281
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
496
00:19:08,015 --> 00:19:09,483
"Well, why not?
497
00:19:09,483 --> 00:19:11,051
"'Cause it looked like you just
welcomed me to Munchkinland
498
00:19:11,051 --> 00:19:12,920
"as a member
of the Lollipop Guild."
499
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:14,188
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING]
500
00:19:21,762 --> 00:19:24,198
Another thing that happens
in relationships,
501
00:19:24,198 --> 00:19:27,167
is women
will tell me their problems.
502
00:19:29,770 --> 00:19:31,271
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
503
00:19:32,172 --> 00:19:33,607
And then I tell them,
504
00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:36,877
how they can solve
those problems.
505
00:19:36,877 --> 00:19:38,278
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
506
00:19:40,147 --> 00:19:41,481
You're not supposed to do that.
507
00:19:41,481 --> 00:19:43,483
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
[LAUGHING] No!
508
00:19:43,483 --> 00:19:45,285
Women don't like
their problems solved.
509
00:19:45,285 --> 00:19:46,553
Women like to treat
their problems
510
00:19:46,553 --> 00:19:48,822
like they're on Hoarders
like, "No, I need these."
511
00:19:48,822 --> 00:19:49,857
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
512
00:19:53,794 --> 00:19:56,230
What if we get you new problems
like I want those, too.
513
00:19:56,230 --> 00:19:57,464
But I need the old ones.
514
00:20:01,435 --> 00:20:03,837
I don't get that, because,
if someone can solve my problem,
515
00:20:03,837 --> 00:20:05,005
let's solve it.
516
00:20:05,005 --> 00:20:06,773
Also, if I have a problem,
517
00:20:06,773 --> 00:20:08,976
and I don't want
someone to solve it,
518
00:20:08,976 --> 00:20:11,044
I don't tell them.
519
00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:12,246
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
520
00:20:14,615 --> 00:20:16,717
Like if I have a flat tire,
I don't call up my friend
521
00:20:16,717 --> 00:20:18,418
and be like, "Hey, man,
I got a flat tire."
522
00:20:18,418 --> 00:20:20,053
He's like, "Do you need help
with your flat tire?"
523
00:20:20,053 --> 00:20:23,056
I'm like, "No, I don't need help
with my flat tire."
524
00:20:23,056 --> 00:20:24,391
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
525
00:20:26,627 --> 00:20:32,165
I just need you to know
that I have a flat tire.
526
00:20:32,165 --> 00:20:33,534
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
527
00:20:42,976 --> 00:20:45,512
But I am a nice guy.
I'll buy you tampons, I don't care.
528
00:20:45,512 --> 00:20:46,880
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
529
00:20:48,649 --> 00:20:50,517
I've bought a lot of tampons,
530
00:20:50,517 --> 00:20:51,752
and I know there's some guys
531
00:20:51,752 --> 00:20:53,353
that are weird about
buying tampons for a lady.
532
00:20:53,353 --> 00:20:54,521
Like, "I don't know
what they got.
533
00:20:54,521 --> 00:20:55,822
"I don't know
what's going on down there."
534
00:20:55,822 --> 00:20:57,958
I'll buy your tampons,
but you got to be careful
535
00:20:57,958 --> 00:20:59,193
what store you're at,
536
00:20:59,193 --> 00:21:01,728
because they have a different
lineup at different stores.
537
00:21:02,829 --> 00:21:04,932
Like, if you're at
a health food store,
538
00:21:04,932 --> 00:21:06,366
you've got to read the whole box
539
00:21:06,366 --> 00:21:07,634
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
540
00:21:07,634 --> 00:21:09,036
...because you've never
heard of that brand,
541
00:21:09,036 --> 00:21:11,538
and you'll end up...
Like, "I got you tampons,"
542
00:21:11,538 --> 00:21:13,440
and they open the box,
and it's a pinecone.
543
00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:14,942
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
544
00:21:17,077 --> 00:21:18,378
Oh...
545
00:21:20,347 --> 00:21:21,448
I don't know what it is about,
546
00:21:21,448 --> 00:21:23,684
like health food,
or like just like...
547
00:21:23,684 --> 00:21:26,053
all natural organic companies,
548
00:21:26,053 --> 00:21:27,287
but they always have to put
549
00:21:27,287 --> 00:21:29,523
a screed on the back of the box
550
00:21:29,523 --> 00:21:31,892
about how that company
came to be.
551
00:21:31,892 --> 00:21:34,228
Like, regular companies
don't do that.
552
00:21:34,228 --> 00:21:36,096
Like... Doritos doesn't have
an "about me."
553
00:21:36,096 --> 00:21:37,464
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
554
00:21:37,464 --> 00:21:41,168
It's like, "My grandpa,
Jim Dorito wanted everybody...
555
00:21:41,168 --> 00:21:42,369
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
556
00:21:42,369 --> 00:21:44,872
"...to have orange fingers,
and be obese."
557
00:21:44,872 --> 00:21:46,406
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
558
00:21:51,645 --> 00:21:54,248
So I bought tampons for this
one girl one time.
559
00:21:54,248 --> 00:21:55,549
I was at a health food store,
560
00:21:55,549 --> 00:21:58,619
and I got this company
called "The Honey Pot."
561
00:21:59,119 --> 00:22:01,088
Uh, so, yeah.
562
00:22:01,088 --> 00:22:05,058
So I'm going to read you
"About me" from The Honey Pot.
563
00:22:05,058 --> 00:22:06,493
This is a real company.
564
00:22:06,493 --> 00:22:08,495
We might have to cut this
from the album.
565
00:22:08,495 --> 00:22:11,331
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
566
00:22:11,331 --> 00:22:12,533
But I'm gonna do it anyway.
567
00:22:12,533 --> 00:22:14,935
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
568
00:22:14,935 --> 00:22:16,937
So, this is by Bea Dixon,
569
00:22:16,937 --> 00:22:20,607
the CEO and co-founder
of The Honey Pot.
570
00:22:21,408 --> 00:22:22,743
She said,
571
00:22:22,743 --> 00:22:27,314
"I was suffering
with bacterial vaginosis...
572
00:22:27,314 --> 00:22:29,082
[AUDIENCE TITTERS]
573
00:22:29,082 --> 00:22:30,450
"...for eight months..."
574
00:22:30,450 --> 00:22:33,387
[AUDIENCE TITTERS]
575
00:22:33,387 --> 00:22:35,589
Eight months. Suffering.
576
00:22:35,589 --> 00:22:37,157
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
577
00:22:37,157 --> 00:22:38,125
Not perturbed.
578
00:22:39,226 --> 00:22:40,894
Not annoyed. Suffering.
579
00:22:41,862 --> 00:22:44,198
For eight months.
580
00:22:44,198 --> 00:22:45,933
That's almost
a whole baby's worth
581
00:22:45,933 --> 00:22:48,001
- of bacterial vaginosis.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
582
00:22:48,001 --> 00:22:50,737
You can't even get rid of that
in some states anymore.
583
00:22:50,737 --> 00:22:52,539
You've got to carry it to term.
584
00:22:52,539 --> 00:22:55,442
That bacterial vaginosis
has a soul!
585
00:22:55,442 --> 00:22:57,578
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING]
586
00:23:01,615 --> 00:23:05,619
Also, let's not gloss over
how funny a word "Vaginosis" is.
587
00:23:05,619 --> 00:23:07,387
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
588
00:23:07,387 --> 00:23:08,989
It sounds like you're
hypnotized by a vagina.
589
00:23:08,989 --> 00:23:10,557
Which, guys,
we've all been there, right?
590
00:23:10,557 --> 00:23:12,059
- [CHUCKLES]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
591
00:23:12,059 --> 00:23:14,394
Like, "Yeah, I'll get you
the Taylor Swift tickets."
592
00:23:14,394 --> 00:23:16,563
- [GRUNTS]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
593
00:23:19,032 --> 00:23:22,236
But Vaginosis could also be
a psychedelic girl-power band.
594
00:23:22,236 --> 00:23:23,871
Like, "We are Vaginosis,
595
00:23:23,871 --> 00:23:26,240
"and we're bringing down
the patriarchy
596
00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:28,408
"with the power of funk!"
597
00:23:28,408 --> 00:23:30,143
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
598
00:23:34,414 --> 00:23:36,183
Funk means two things
in that joke.
599
00:23:36,183 --> 00:23:38,452
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
600
00:23:39,653 --> 00:23:41,889
So, "I was suffering
from bacterial vaginosis
601
00:23:41,889 --> 00:23:42,789
"for eight months,
602
00:23:42,789 --> 00:23:44,925
"when an ancestor
came to me in a dream
603
00:23:44,925 --> 00:23:47,194
"and gifted me with a vision
to heal myself."
604
00:23:47,194 --> 00:23:50,831
So basically, her vagina
was having such a bad time
605
00:23:50,831 --> 00:23:53,133
that a ghost is like,
"Hey, what are you doing?"
606
00:23:53,133 --> 00:23:54,935
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
607
00:23:56,937 --> 00:23:58,872
I imagine that ghost
was like, "I gotta do what
608
00:23:58,872 --> 00:24:01,008
"to get my angel wings?
Good God."
609
00:24:01,008 --> 00:24:02,109
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
610
00:24:11,051 --> 00:24:12,953
"With her help,
I created The Honey Pot
611
00:24:12,953 --> 00:24:14,855
"to solve for what
other brands wouldn't,
612
00:24:14,855 --> 00:24:17,357
"feminine care,
powered by herbs."
613
00:24:17,357 --> 00:24:18,559
[AUDIENCE TITTERS]
614
00:24:18,559 --> 00:24:20,494
I want to see
that episode of Shark Tank.
615
00:24:20,494 --> 00:24:22,763
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
616
00:24:24,932 --> 00:24:26,066
Right?
617
00:24:26,066 --> 00:24:28,569
She comes in,
"Hey, Sharks, I'm Bea Dixon,
618
00:24:28,569 --> 00:24:30,871
"the CEO and co-founder
of The Honey Pot.
619
00:24:30,871 --> 00:24:32,773
"My other co-founder
couldn't be here today
620
00:24:32,773 --> 00:24:35,008
"because she exists
on an astral plane."
621
00:24:35,008 --> 00:24:36,877
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
622
00:24:39,246 --> 00:24:43,517
"But anyway, what happened was,
I got a little baci vagi..."
623
00:24:43,517 --> 00:24:45,219
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
624
00:24:45,819 --> 00:24:47,321
"...for eight months...
625
00:24:47,321 --> 00:24:48,822
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
626
00:24:48,822 --> 00:24:50,691
"...and I was suffering.
[CHUCKLES]
627
00:24:50,691 --> 00:24:52,759
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
628
00:24:52,759 --> 00:24:54,761
"And then a ghost came
and saged my pussy,
629
00:24:54,761 --> 00:24:56,096
"and now I'm all better.
630
00:24:56,096 --> 00:24:58,298
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
631
00:24:58,298 --> 00:25:03,303
"I would like $1,000,000
for a 10% investment. [CHUCKLES]"
632
00:25:03,303 --> 00:25:05,272
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
633
00:25:05,272 --> 00:25:06,773
And I think she'd get it.
634
00:25:06,773 --> 00:25:09,743
I think she'd get it
from my favorite Shark, Daymond John.
635
00:25:09,743 --> 00:25:10,978
- Yeah.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
636
00:25:10,978 --> 00:25:12,579
If you don't know
who Daymond John is,
637
00:25:12,579 --> 00:25:14,581
he's a guy that, in the '90s,
638
00:25:14,581 --> 00:25:17,784
invented a fashion line
called FUBU.
639
00:25:17,784 --> 00:25:20,821
For Us, By Us, his hip-hop
clothing wear for black people.
640
00:25:20,821 --> 00:25:24,358
And then fans
of the Insane Clown Posse were like, "Oh!"
641
00:25:24,358 --> 00:25:26,193
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
642
00:25:26,193 --> 00:25:27,160
[GRUNTING] "Oh!
643
00:25:28,562 --> 00:25:29,730
"We're gonna wear that."
644
00:25:31,365 --> 00:25:32,733
Yeah.
645
00:25:32,733 --> 00:25:34,635
Wiggers love FUBU.
646
00:25:34,635 --> 00:25:36,837
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
647
00:25:36,837 --> 00:25:38,972
And listen, I know I probably
shouldn't say that word.
648
00:25:38,972 --> 00:25:41,642
Like, I would never use
the N-word,
649
00:25:41,642 --> 00:25:44,178
but the only person
that's ever oppressed a wigger
650
00:25:44,178 --> 00:25:45,712
is a responsible parent.
651
00:25:45,712 --> 00:25:47,614
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
652
00:25:50,050 --> 00:25:52,252
"That's FUBU.
That's for us, by us.
653
00:25:52,252 --> 00:25:55,255
"We're not us. We're them.
We wear Dockers." [CHUCKLES]
654
00:25:55,255 --> 00:25:57,057
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
655
00:25:59,626 --> 00:26:02,462
But I think Daymond John
would bring back FUBU
656
00:26:02,462 --> 00:26:04,698
and turn it into
a woman's product line,
657
00:26:04,698 --> 00:26:07,701
and it'd still be FUBU,
but Before Uterus, By Uterus.
658
00:26:07,701 --> 00:26:10,771
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
659
00:26:10,771 --> 00:26:11,905
All right, that went okay.
660
00:26:11,905 --> 00:26:13,440
- Nobody likes that joke.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
661
00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:17,477
Nobody likes that joke.
It's too hard to follow that with...
662
00:26:17,477 --> 00:26:19,746
Do the wigger stuff,
and then the FUBU,
663
00:26:19,746 --> 00:26:21,815
but that went well enough.
664
00:26:21,815 --> 00:26:25,118
I love Shark Tank, by the way.
It's a great show.
665
00:26:25,118 --> 00:26:28,689
I wish they made Shark Tank
at the beginning of time...
666
00:26:28,689 --> 00:26:30,824
[AUDIENCE TITTERS]
667
00:26:30,824 --> 00:26:34,228
...when they were just kind of
coming up with everything.
668
00:26:35,829 --> 00:26:38,398
You go on Shark Tank,
and you're like, "Hey, Sharks,
669
00:26:38,398 --> 00:26:39,766
"we're gonna get things rolling.
670
00:26:39,766 --> 00:26:41,568
"That'll make sense
in a second.
671
00:26:41,568 --> 00:26:43,737
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
672
00:26:44,671 --> 00:26:45,739
"The wheel."
673
00:26:45,739 --> 00:26:47,941
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
674
00:26:47,941 --> 00:26:50,277
All right, all right.
I need you guys' help.
675
00:26:50,277 --> 00:26:52,913
This is the one time
where you guys kind of get to yell stuff out.
676
00:26:52,913 --> 00:26:55,549
So I need your help
with the rest of this bit. All right.
677
00:26:55,549 --> 00:26:57,451
Another guy comes on
like, "Hey, Sharks,
678
00:26:57,451 --> 00:26:59,219
"you know
what the best thing is?
679
00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:01,922
"Ripped bread."
680
00:27:03,223 --> 00:27:05,225
And then they...
Then they pull out a knife,
681
00:27:05,225 --> 00:27:06,527
and then you get...
682
00:27:06,527 --> 00:27:08,896
- AUDIENCE: Sliced bread!
- Sliced bread. Very good, very good.
683
00:27:08,896 --> 00:27:11,532
Not that funny, but you'll see.
684
00:27:11,532 --> 00:27:13,433
- Uh...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
685
00:27:13,433 --> 00:27:14,401
"All right, Sharks,
686
00:27:15,702 --> 00:27:17,070
"how would you like
687
00:27:18,105 --> 00:27:22,109
"construction equipment
and farm equipment
688
00:27:22,109 --> 00:27:25,812
"that makes
new construction equipment
689
00:27:26,547 --> 00:27:27,781
"and farm equipment?
690
00:27:28,682 --> 00:27:30,851
"Sharks, I give you..."
691
00:27:30,851 --> 00:27:32,653
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Slavery!
- What the fuck?
692
00:27:32,653 --> 00:27:34,655
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
693
00:27:36,156 --> 00:27:37,224
No!
694
00:27:37,224 --> 00:27:38,759
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
695
00:27:41,028 --> 00:27:43,430
Domesticated animal, dude!
696
00:27:43,430 --> 00:27:45,032
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
697
00:27:45,032 --> 00:27:45,999
I had...
698
00:27:49,069 --> 00:27:51,738
I had a whole thing
about how, like,
699
00:27:51,738 --> 00:27:53,373
a guy just saw an ox,
700
00:27:53,373 --> 00:27:55,976
and was like, "I can get
that motherfucker to work for me,"
701
00:27:55,976 --> 00:27:57,811
and then you just go off
with slavery.
702
00:27:57,811 --> 00:27:59,446
How dare... No, you nailed it.
703
00:27:59,446 --> 00:28:01,882
- Um...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
704
00:28:03,250 --> 00:28:04,952
I just can't say it,
or nobody laughs.
705
00:28:04,952 --> 00:28:06,954
So thank you for falling
on that racist grenade.
706
00:28:06,954 --> 00:28:08,789
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
707
00:28:08,789 --> 00:28:09,990
[AUDIENCE MEMBER WHOOPS]
708
00:28:11,692 --> 00:28:12,993
[LAUGHS]
709
00:28:13,560 --> 00:28:15,229
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
710
00:28:16,530 --> 00:28:17,931
I'm glad
we didn't kick him out.
711
00:28:17,931 --> 00:28:19,633
I knew he was going
to come through. I knew it.
712
00:28:19,633 --> 00:28:21,335
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- I knew it.
713
00:28:21,335 --> 00:28:24,371
I was like,
"If he can just be here for 40 more minutes..."
714
00:28:24,371 --> 00:28:25,873
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
715
00:28:30,477 --> 00:28:33,313
Speaking of slavery,
though, I did recently go to Egypt.
716
00:28:33,313 --> 00:28:35,015
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
717
00:28:36,316 --> 00:28:38,185
Well, it's a transition.
718
00:28:38,185 --> 00:28:40,187
- [LAUGHS]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
719
00:28:40,721 --> 00:28:41,889
I think if I said,
720
00:28:41,889 --> 00:28:44,024
"Hey, speaking of slavery,
I went to Egypt.
721
00:28:44,024 --> 00:28:46,493
"There's a line there
that makes sense."
722
00:28:49,630 --> 00:28:51,932
Anyway, I went
to Egypt recently,
723
00:28:51,932 --> 00:28:53,967
and while I was there,
I got to go to the pyramids.
724
00:28:53,967 --> 00:28:57,771
And I went into a pyramid,
and I got to go into a room
725
00:28:57,771 --> 00:29:00,774
that they just discovered,
that nobody's been in
726
00:29:00,774 --> 00:29:02,109
since they built the pyramids.
727
00:29:02,109 --> 00:29:03,477
And they gave me
an app on my phone
728
00:29:03,477 --> 00:29:04,711
that I could use
729
00:29:04,711 --> 00:29:09,149
to translate the hieroglyphics
on the wall of that pyramid.
730
00:29:09,850 --> 00:29:11,285
And they said,
731
00:29:11,285 --> 00:29:14,521
"Oh, my God,
I haven't seen you since high school.
732
00:29:14,521 --> 00:29:15,956
"I hope you're doing well.
733
00:29:15,956 --> 00:29:17,624
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
734
00:29:17,624 --> 00:29:21,061
- "Anyway, how would you like
to be your own boss... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
735
00:29:21,061 --> 00:29:25,399
"...and make $15,000 a month?"
736
00:29:25,399 --> 00:29:28,468
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
737
00:29:28,468 --> 00:29:30,771
Pyramid schemes
go all the way back, man. I didn't know that.
738
00:29:30,771 --> 00:29:32,506
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING]
739
00:29:35,075 --> 00:29:36,777
[AUDIENCE WHOOPING, WHISTLING]
740
00:29:37,477 --> 00:29:38,545
And listen, listen,
741
00:29:40,247 --> 00:29:43,150
if you got that joke
before I said, "Pyramid scheme,"
742
00:29:43,150 --> 00:29:45,419
great job. You are awesome.
743
00:29:45,419 --> 00:29:48,822
If you didn't get that joke
until I said, "Pyramid scheme,"
744
00:29:48,822 --> 00:29:49,923
see me after the show.
745
00:29:49,923 --> 00:29:51,458
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
746
00:29:51,458 --> 00:29:54,494
I got a way we can both make
a lot of money.
747
00:29:54,494 --> 00:29:56,230
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
748
00:30:00,534 --> 00:30:01,502
[SIGHS]
749
00:30:03,270 --> 00:30:06,006
So, I have kids.
750
00:30:06,673 --> 00:30:09,076
I have... I have three kids.
751
00:30:09,076 --> 00:30:12,379
They're my step-kids
that I've raised since they were little.
752
00:30:12,946 --> 00:30:14,481
I'm a hero.
753
00:30:14,481 --> 00:30:16,950
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
754
00:30:19,453 --> 00:30:22,222
I'm just a good stepdad,
which is a low bar.
755
00:30:23,257 --> 00:30:25,125
People go,
"What makes you good stepdad?"
756
00:30:25,125 --> 00:30:27,294
"I didn't molest them."
Everyone's like, "Oh, yeah!
757
00:30:27,294 --> 00:30:29,296
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- "That's awesome!
758
00:30:29,963 --> 00:30:31,365
"Good stepdad." [CHUCKLES]
759
00:30:37,804 --> 00:30:39,907
I miss them.
They're all grown up now.
760
00:30:39,907 --> 00:30:41,575
They're all grown up.
They're adults now.
761
00:30:41,575 --> 00:30:43,076
I miss when they were little.
762
00:30:43,076 --> 00:30:45,812
Because when they're little,
they do cute stuff. So funny.
763
00:30:45,812 --> 00:30:48,515
Like, when they'd ask
for money when they were little, oh, so cute.
764
00:30:48,515 --> 00:30:50,617
Now when they ask for money,
it's just a Venmo request,
765
00:30:50,617 --> 00:30:51,885
and I'm just like, "Block."
766
00:30:51,885 --> 00:30:55,155
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
767
00:30:55,155 --> 00:30:56,757
But when they were little,
they'd ask for money,
768
00:30:56,757 --> 00:30:58,792
and it was always
like a production.
769
00:30:58,792 --> 00:31:01,995
They'd come in
with that weird kid energy where they didn't...
770
00:31:01,995 --> 00:31:03,463
They weren't acting
like themselves.
771
00:31:03,463 --> 00:31:06,433
They'd walk in
and they'd just be like, "Oh, good day, sir.
772
00:31:06,433 --> 00:31:08,468
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
773
00:31:09,636 --> 00:31:10,604
"How do you do?
774
00:31:11,972 --> 00:31:13,140
"I was pondering...
775
00:31:13,140 --> 00:31:15,175
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
776
00:31:15,175 --> 00:31:17,811
"...if there's any chores
I could complete
777
00:31:17,811 --> 00:31:21,915
"in order to get money...
778
00:31:21,915 --> 00:31:23,951
[AUDIENCE TITTERS]
779
00:31:23,951 --> 00:31:25,385
"...for ice cream.
For the ice cream truck."
780
00:31:25,385 --> 00:31:28,188
Like, "If I sweep
from here to here...
781
00:31:28,188 --> 00:31:31,892
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- "...will you give me money
782
00:31:31,892 --> 00:31:33,527
"to get ice cream
from the ice cream truck?"
783
00:31:34,595 --> 00:31:36,163
I'm like, "No, you gotta do
a whole chore.
784
00:31:36,163 --> 00:31:37,798
"You gotta sweep
the whole kitchen,
785
00:31:37,798 --> 00:31:39,800
"and then I'll think
about giving you money for the ice cream truck."
786
00:31:39,800 --> 00:31:41,168
[CHUCKLING] "Oh, my good man.
787
00:31:41,168 --> 00:31:43,437
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
788
00:31:45,105 --> 00:31:46,640
"We are at odds here.
789
00:31:48,141 --> 00:31:49,409
"I will not be doing that."
790
00:31:49,409 --> 00:31:50,277
"Well, why not?"
791
00:31:50,277 --> 00:31:51,712
"Because I'm just
distracting you
792
00:31:51,712 --> 00:31:53,080
"while my sister
steals your wallet."
793
00:31:53,080 --> 00:31:55,582
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
794
00:31:57,451 --> 00:31:58,418
Little grifters.
795
00:32:01,588 --> 00:32:03,290
[SIGHS]
796
00:32:03,290 --> 00:32:04,925
I also liked when they got hurt
when they were little.
797
00:32:04,925 --> 00:32:06,226
That was fun. [CHUCKLES]
798
00:32:07,094 --> 00:32:08,729
Not bad,
but when they got hurt
799
00:32:08,729 --> 00:32:10,430
a little bit, like...
Just like...
800
00:32:10,430 --> 00:32:12,232
You know, my favorite
was taking them roller-skating
801
00:32:12,232 --> 00:32:14,067
because they weren't
very coordinated.
802
00:32:14,067 --> 00:32:17,371
So taking my kids roller-skating
was like paying $5 apiece
803
00:32:17,371 --> 00:32:19,473
to have them beaten by a floor.
804
00:32:19,473 --> 00:32:21,642
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
805
00:32:21,642 --> 00:32:23,043
Just filming everything.
806
00:32:24,278 --> 00:32:25,812
People are like,
"You must be so proud."
807
00:32:25,812 --> 00:32:27,648
I'm like, "No.
808
00:32:27,648 --> 00:32:29,483
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
809
00:32:30,284 --> 00:32:31,818
"Just collecting evidence.
810
00:32:31,818 --> 00:32:33,353
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
811
00:32:37,224 --> 00:32:38,525
"Just getting a little alibi."
812
00:32:40,260 --> 00:32:41,461
When they did
get hurt, though,
813
00:32:41,461 --> 00:32:42,996
I'd always try
and teach them a lesson.
814
00:32:42,996 --> 00:32:45,199
Not with whatever
they were doing.
815
00:32:45,199 --> 00:32:47,100
I try and sneak
something else in
816
00:32:47,100 --> 00:32:49,136
that they were messing up
in their life.
817
00:32:49,136 --> 00:32:50,771
I remember one time
we went to Kalahari.
818
00:32:50,771 --> 00:32:53,407
You guys know Kalahari?
It's the indoor water park where you go...
819
00:32:53,407 --> 00:32:54,474
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
- Yeah.
820
00:32:54,474 --> 00:32:57,044
It's a great place to go
to get MRSA.
821
00:32:57,044 --> 00:32:59,046
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
822
00:33:00,647 --> 00:33:04,384
And we went there,
and me and my son went on this one slide.
823
00:33:04,384 --> 00:33:06,286
It was a tube slide,
and we're on this raft.
824
00:33:06,286 --> 00:33:08,155
And when we were going
down it, it's pitch black
825
00:33:08,155 --> 00:33:09,990
and you can't see anything
in there.
826
00:33:09,990 --> 00:33:12,059
And we're getting
all sloshed around.
827
00:33:12,059 --> 00:33:13,594
And at one point
on the way down,
828
00:33:13,594 --> 00:33:16,563
my son hit his nose
against his knee,
829
00:33:17,464 --> 00:33:19,166
and he had
so much adrenaline going
830
00:33:19,166 --> 00:33:20,434
that he didn't even notice it.
831
00:33:20,434 --> 00:33:22,302
Then we get to the bottom
of the tunnel,
832
00:33:22,302 --> 00:33:24,905
and I see light
come through the tunnel.
833
00:33:24,905 --> 00:33:26,840
I see blood gushing
out of his nose.
834
00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:30,277
And I didn't handle it well,
just like, "Oh! What happened to your face!"
835
00:33:30,277 --> 00:33:32,346
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
836
00:33:33,013 --> 00:33:34,181
Then based on my reaction,
837
00:33:34,181 --> 00:33:35,649
and he sees blood
all over his chest,
838
00:33:35,649 --> 00:33:38,018
he starts freaking out.
He's like, "Am I dead?
839
00:33:38,018 --> 00:33:39,853
"Am I dead? Am I dead?"
840
00:33:39,853 --> 00:33:41,522
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
841
00:33:44,725 --> 00:33:45,959
And I knew he wasn't dead.
842
00:33:45,959 --> 00:33:48,262
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
843
00:33:48,262 --> 00:33:49,830
But I wasn't
gonna tell him that.
844
00:33:49,830 --> 00:33:52,399
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
845
00:33:52,399 --> 00:33:55,068
Because I saw an opportunity
to teach him a lesson.
846
00:33:56,203 --> 00:33:58,739
So what I did
is held them in my arms
847
00:34:00,374 --> 00:34:03,644
and pretended
that I couldn't hear him.
848
00:34:03,644 --> 00:34:06,146
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
849
00:34:06,146 --> 00:34:08,582
[MIMICKING SOBBING] "Why?
850
00:34:10,751 --> 00:34:12,119
"Oh!
851
00:34:12,119 --> 00:34:15,722
"This always happens
to kids that don't keep their room clean!"
852
00:34:15,722 --> 00:34:17,824
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
853
00:34:17,824 --> 00:34:20,093
And he's like,
"I'll clean my room! I'll clean my room!
854
00:34:20,093 --> 00:34:22,296
"I'll keep it clean forever!
I promise!"
855
00:34:22,296 --> 00:34:24,164
And I'm like,
"Oh, look who's back.
856
00:34:24,164 --> 00:34:26,867
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
857
00:34:26,867 --> 00:34:28,302
"Remember what you said."
858
00:34:28,302 --> 00:34:30,437
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
859
00:34:31,772 --> 00:34:34,875
But the cutest thing
that ever happened with my kids
860
00:34:34,875 --> 00:34:36,443
was when I first moved in.
861
00:34:36,443 --> 00:34:39,513
We went out to celebrate,
and we went to dinner,
862
00:34:39,513 --> 00:34:42,916
and someone recognized me
at dinner.
863
00:34:42,916 --> 00:34:45,652
And my oldest daughter
was about eight years old at the time,
864
00:34:45,652 --> 00:34:48,255
and she got so excited,
because she knew I did comedy,
865
00:34:48,255 --> 00:34:50,157
but she didn't know
if I was famous or not,
866
00:34:50,157 --> 00:34:52,059
or if I was like...
867
00:34:52,059 --> 00:34:53,360
She just knew
I was in show business.
868
00:34:53,360 --> 00:34:54,628
So she got super excited,
869
00:34:54,628 --> 00:34:56,496
and she looks at me
and her mom, and she goes,
870
00:34:57,731 --> 00:34:59,600
"We're getting famous."
871
00:34:59,600 --> 00:35:01,869
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
872
00:35:01,869 --> 00:35:04,304
The guy that recognized me
bullied me in school.
873
00:35:04,304 --> 00:35:05,772
He's like, "Piss Baby?
874
00:35:05,772 --> 00:35:07,841
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
875
00:35:10,277 --> 00:35:12,312
"What you been up to?"
876
00:35:12,312 --> 00:35:14,715
I was like,
"I'm raising your kids, man."
877
00:35:14,715 --> 00:35:16,383
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
878
00:35:18,018 --> 00:35:20,187
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
879
00:35:24,925 --> 00:35:26,660
I showed him. [CHUCKLES]
880
00:35:27,728 --> 00:35:28,695
Yeah.
881
00:35:28,695 --> 00:35:30,631
But I left him a good tip,
so that was cool.
882
00:35:30,631 --> 00:35:32,232
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
883
00:35:34,568 --> 00:35:35,569
[CHUCKLES]
884
00:35:39,206 --> 00:35:40,440
I got arrested once.
885
00:35:42,409 --> 00:35:45,078
Has anybody in here
ever been arrested?
886
00:35:45,078 --> 00:35:46,480
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
887
00:35:46,480 --> 00:35:48,282
I knew I could count
on you, Ohio.
888
00:35:48,282 --> 00:35:49,917
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
889
00:35:49,917 --> 00:35:51,552
I got arrested a few years ago.
890
00:35:51,552 --> 00:35:53,654
It was
at the Mansfield Reformatory,
891
00:35:53,654 --> 00:35:55,789
where they filmedThe Shawshank Redemption
892
00:35:55,789 --> 00:35:56,823
and do haunted houses.
893
00:35:56,823 --> 00:35:59,193
And I went down there
for my friend's birthday.
894
00:35:59,193 --> 00:36:02,396
And we were there, and...
895
00:36:02,396 --> 00:36:04,331
The plan was to drink at a bar
896
00:36:04,331 --> 00:36:06,600
and then drink
at the haunted house,
897
00:36:06,600 --> 00:36:09,603
and go drink at another bar,
'cause we bought Fastpasses,
898
00:36:09,603 --> 00:36:10,971
and we're like,
"We'll be in and out
899
00:36:10,971 --> 00:36:12,472
"because we've got
the Fastpasses."
900
00:36:12,472 --> 00:36:15,442
But it turns out everybody else
that went to the haunted house
901
00:36:15,442 --> 00:36:17,411
also bought Fastpasses.
902
00:36:17,411 --> 00:36:19,847
And when everybody has
a Fastpass,
903
00:36:19,847 --> 00:36:21,982
it's just the line.
904
00:36:21,982 --> 00:36:24,785
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
905
00:36:24,785 --> 00:36:27,821
So we were in line for,
like, three and a half hours,
906
00:36:27,821 --> 00:36:30,724
but don't worry,
we brought a ton of booze,
907
00:36:31,859 --> 00:36:33,227
so we just got wasted.
908
00:36:33,227 --> 00:36:35,295
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
909
00:36:35,295 --> 00:36:37,097
And then I finally get up
to show my ticket,
910
00:36:37,097 --> 00:36:39,132
it's on my phone,
my phone dies,
911
00:36:39,132 --> 00:36:41,668
and the guy's like,
"Sir, if you don't have a ticket, you can't come in."
912
00:36:41,668 --> 00:36:44,271
I was like, "Why would I wait
in line for three and a half hours
913
00:36:44,271 --> 00:36:45,906
"if I didn't have a ticket?"
914
00:36:45,906 --> 00:36:48,976
He's like, "I don't know, man.
I hate this job. I just want to go home."
915
00:36:48,976 --> 00:36:50,277
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
916
00:36:50,277 --> 00:36:52,679
And then I walk past him,
and a cop stops me,
917
00:36:52,679 --> 00:36:55,549
and the cop is like,
"Hey, no ticket,
918
00:36:55,549 --> 00:36:57,484
"you got to get out of here."
919
00:36:57,484 --> 00:37:00,320
And I was like,
"Fine, but fuck you."
920
00:37:00,320 --> 00:37:01,588
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
921
00:37:01,588 --> 00:37:03,323
And he's like,
"Well, now you're under arrest."
922
00:37:03,323 --> 00:37:05,993
I'm like, "You can't arrest me
for saying, 'Fuck you.'"
923
00:37:05,993 --> 00:37:07,294
He's like,
"I can if you're drunk."
924
00:37:07,294 --> 00:37:09,396
I'm like, "Ooh, got me
with his legal mumbo jumbo."
925
00:37:09,396 --> 00:37:11,598
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
926
00:37:13,700 --> 00:37:15,269
[CHUCKLES]
927
00:37:15,269 --> 00:37:18,872
So since I'm getting arrested,
I was like, "I might as well lean into it."
928
00:37:18,872 --> 00:37:20,674
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
929
00:37:20,674 --> 00:37:22,976
So I was just like,
"You look like fat John Cena.
930
00:37:22,976 --> 00:37:24,311
"Everyone can see you."
931
00:37:24,311 --> 00:37:26,580
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
932
00:37:29,082 --> 00:37:30,350
Even his partner
laughed at that.
933
00:37:30,350 --> 00:37:32,019
Like, he didn't show it,
but he turned,
934
00:37:32,019 --> 00:37:34,188
and you could see
his shoulders going like this.
935
00:37:34,188 --> 00:37:36,256
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
936
00:37:43,330 --> 00:37:44,698
And then I got to the jail.
937
00:37:44,698 --> 00:37:46,633
And when I got there,
I recognized the dude
938
00:37:46,633 --> 00:37:47,935
that was also
at the haunted house.
939
00:37:47,935 --> 00:37:50,504
I'm like, "Dude, you were
at the haunted house, too.
940
00:37:50,504 --> 00:37:52,840
"Were you drunk?"
He's like, "I'm still drunk."
941
00:37:52,840 --> 00:37:54,341
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
942
00:37:54,341 --> 00:37:55,809
I'm like, "Did you tell the cop
to fuck off?"
943
00:37:55,809 --> 00:37:58,078
He's like,
"I tried to take his gun."
944
00:37:58,078 --> 00:37:59,813
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
945
00:38:01,682 --> 00:38:03,550
- [AUDIENCE MEMBER WHOOPS]
- So we started a gang.
946
00:38:03,550 --> 00:38:05,485
We call those ourselves
The Dufresne Boys...
947
00:38:05,485 --> 00:38:06,553
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
948
00:38:06,553 --> 00:38:08,388
...in honor
of Shawshank Redemption.
949
00:38:09,690 --> 00:38:11,558
Uh, yeah.
950
00:38:11,558 --> 00:38:13,727
First, we tried to tunnel out.
That didn't work.
951
00:38:13,727 --> 00:38:15,028
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
952
00:38:15,028 --> 00:38:16,697
Then we told the guards
we'd do their taxes.
953
00:38:16,697 --> 00:38:18,899
Like, "We'll do your taxes.
Give me a W-2."
954
00:38:18,899 --> 00:38:20,067
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
955
00:38:20,067 --> 00:38:21,134
They're like, "It's October."
956
00:38:21,134 --> 00:38:22,336
I'm like, "Come on."
957
00:38:22,336 --> 00:38:24,071
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
958
00:38:25,839 --> 00:38:27,941
Anyway, that's how I met
Hunter Biden.
959
00:38:27,941 --> 00:38:30,544
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh!
960
00:38:30,544 --> 00:38:32,913
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
961
00:38:32,913 --> 00:38:34,781
He's nice, He's very nice.
962
00:38:38,819 --> 00:38:41,455
So, in the morning,
I had to make a phone call
963
00:38:41,455 --> 00:38:42,990
to try and get out of there.
964
00:38:42,990 --> 00:38:46,393
And I realized, in 2019,
965
00:38:46,393 --> 00:38:47,861
I don't know
anybody's phone number.
966
00:38:47,861 --> 00:38:49,429
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
967
00:38:49,429 --> 00:38:51,565
My phone is dead.
They don't let you charge it.
968
00:38:52,766 --> 00:38:55,369
So I'm trying to think
of any number that I can
969
00:38:55,369 --> 00:38:57,437
to call,
so I can get out of there.
970
00:38:57,437 --> 00:38:59,273
And the only number
that popped into my head
971
00:38:59,273 --> 00:39:01,642
was one of my old
phone numbers
972
00:39:01,642 --> 00:39:03,277
that I gave
to my oldest daughter
973
00:39:03,277 --> 00:39:05,078
when she got her first phone.
974
00:39:05,078 --> 00:39:08,282
So that's who I called.
And she was about 21 years old at the time.
975
00:39:08,282 --> 00:39:11,852
And let me explain
that at that point in our relationship,
976
00:39:11,852 --> 00:39:13,153
we were doing good.
977
00:39:13,153 --> 00:39:15,088
But when she was a teenager,
978
00:39:15,088 --> 00:39:16,557
things were a little rough.
979
00:39:16,557 --> 00:39:18,692
Her mom kicked her out
of her house.
980
00:39:18,692 --> 00:39:20,627
She came and lived
with me for a while.
981
00:39:20,627 --> 00:39:23,063
Then I kicked her back
to her mom's house.
982
00:39:23,063 --> 00:39:24,998
Things were tumultuous.
983
00:39:24,998 --> 00:39:27,134
And we got into
a lot of fights, a lot of arguments.
984
00:39:27,134 --> 00:39:28,735
It happens with teenage kids.
985
00:39:28,735 --> 00:39:30,103
And then when she moved out
on her own,
986
00:39:30,103 --> 00:39:33,006
she realized
she needed money, and we got close.
987
00:39:33,006 --> 00:39:34,842
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
988
00:39:37,644 --> 00:39:39,413
But she also kept receipts.
989
00:39:40,214 --> 00:39:41,582
Because when I called her,
990
00:39:42,883 --> 00:39:45,152
she was like,
"What are you doing?"
991
00:39:46,486 --> 00:39:48,021
I was like, "I'm in Mansfield."
992
00:39:48,021 --> 00:39:49,189
And she's like,
"Where they filmedThe Shawshank Redemption
993
00:39:49,189 --> 00:39:51,725
"and they do haunted houses?"
994
00:39:51,725 --> 00:39:53,594
And I'm like, "Yeah, but now
I'm at a different jail."
995
00:39:54,127 --> 00:39:57,097
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
996
00:39:57,097 --> 00:39:59,566
And she's like, "Oh, my God,
this is the best day of my life."
997
00:39:59,566 --> 00:40:01,401
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
998
00:40:01,401 --> 00:40:03,403
I'm like, "Go to my house,
999
00:40:03,403 --> 00:40:05,339
"get my checkbook
and get me out of here."
1000
00:40:05,339 --> 00:40:07,641
And she's like,
"I will be there so fast."
1001
00:40:07,641 --> 00:40:09,576
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1002
00:40:09,576 --> 00:40:10,878
And she showed up,
1003
00:40:10,878 --> 00:40:13,714
and she was eating up
this moment.
1004
00:40:14,548 --> 00:40:16,617
She threw both the doors open,
1005
00:40:16,617 --> 00:40:18,952
and it was just pacing
back and forth,
1006
00:40:18,952 --> 00:40:22,222
not talking to me,
just talking to the guards,
1007
00:40:22,222 --> 00:40:24,925
- twirling my checkbook around.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1008
00:40:24,925 --> 00:40:28,795
My checkbook did not have
a tassel on it.
1009
00:40:28,795 --> 00:40:31,365
She put one on there
to be dramatic.
1010
00:40:31,365 --> 00:40:33,534
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1011
00:40:34,868 --> 00:40:36,537
So she came in,
and she's got...
1012
00:40:36,537 --> 00:40:38,338
She's just walking around,
she's like,
1013
00:40:38,338 --> 00:40:40,474
"My dad over there...
1014
00:40:40,474 --> 00:40:41,842
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1015
00:40:41,842 --> 00:40:44,444
"...always told me,
when I was a teenager,
1016
00:40:44,444 --> 00:40:46,446
"based on how I act,
1017
00:40:46,446 --> 00:40:49,316
"I'm probably gonna end up
getting arrested.
1018
00:40:49,316 --> 00:40:51,652
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1019
00:40:52,719 --> 00:40:55,322
"And my dad over there...
1020
00:40:55,322 --> 00:40:57,024
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1021
00:40:57,024 --> 00:41:00,093
"...always told me,
based on how I act,
1022
00:41:00,093 --> 00:41:05,632
"he doesn't know
if he would bail me out."
1023
00:41:05,632 --> 00:41:07,868
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1024
00:41:11,738 --> 00:41:13,607
And I was just like,
"Damn, that was good."
1025
00:41:13,607 --> 00:41:15,542
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1026
00:41:17,678 --> 00:41:19,746
So I write the check,
and we're on our way out,
1027
00:41:19,746 --> 00:41:22,015
and I'm trying to leave
in a hurry
1028
00:41:22,015 --> 00:41:24,151
because there's a dude
in another cell
1029
00:41:24,151 --> 00:41:25,485
that was staring at me,
1030
00:41:25,485 --> 00:41:26,954
and he was creepy.
1031
00:41:26,954 --> 00:41:27,921
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
1032
00:41:27,921 --> 00:41:29,723
He wasn't even just creepy,
he was scary.
1033
00:41:29,723 --> 00:41:33,126
He had, like, face tattoos,
1034
00:41:33,126 --> 00:41:34,628
wasn't blinking enough.
1035
00:41:34,628 --> 00:41:36,930
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1036
00:41:36,930 --> 00:41:39,199
Not enough teeth.
Like, just a scary dude.
1037
00:41:39,199 --> 00:41:42,002
Just, like, jail-scary.
1038
00:41:42,002 --> 00:41:44,705
And we have to walk past him
to get out of there.
1039
00:41:45,606 --> 00:41:47,140
And as we're walking past him,
1040
00:41:47,140 --> 00:41:50,911
he starts banging
on the glass of the cell.
1041
00:41:52,446 --> 00:41:55,482
And my daughter
just turns and goes, "Hi.
1042
00:41:55,482 --> 00:41:57,518
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1043
00:41:58,986 --> 00:42:00,187
"Why are you here?
1044
00:42:00,187 --> 00:42:01,054
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
1045
00:42:01,054 --> 00:42:03,924
"I'm here
to bail my dad out of jail."
1046
00:42:03,924 --> 00:42:06,193
And I'm like, "Shut the fuck up.
I want to get out of here."
1047
00:42:07,794 --> 00:42:09,863
And that guy
didn't even acknowledge my daughter.
1048
00:42:09,863 --> 00:42:13,534
He stared right into my eyes
and pointed at me, and goes,
1049
00:42:13,934 --> 00:42:15,502
"I know you.
1050
00:42:15,502 --> 00:42:17,137
[AUDIENCE TITTERS]
1051
00:42:17,137 --> 00:42:20,274
"You're Bill Squire.
1052
00:42:20,274 --> 00:42:22,342
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
1053
00:42:22,342 --> 00:42:25,279
"You're hilarious."
1054
00:42:25,279 --> 00:42:27,614
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1055
00:42:27,614 --> 00:42:29,716
[AUDIENCE WHOOPING, CHEERING]
1056
00:42:36,557 --> 00:42:38,692
And I looked at my daughter,
and I was like,
1057
00:42:38,692 --> 00:42:40,527
"We're getting famous."
1058
00:42:40,527 --> 00:42:42,029
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1059
00:42:42,029 --> 00:42:44,865
Thank you guys all so much.
This was amazing.
1060
00:42:44,865 --> 00:42:46,400
And a dream come true.
1061
00:42:46,400 --> 00:42:47,568
Thank you.
1062
00:42:49,603 --> 00:42:51,205
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]