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[TV static drones]
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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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[bright tone]
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- I always admired
American stand-up specials,
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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the way the comic
always seemed so cool,
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00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:15,097
smoking a cigarette
even if they don't smoke,
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00:00:15,098 --> 00:00:17,599
pulling up outside
a packed venue
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00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:19,768
with not a care in the world.
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00:00:19,769 --> 00:00:23,313
[muffled cheering]
Hey, I get it.
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Life moves fast,
so you got to walk slow.
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00:00:28,236 --> 00:00:32,531
But it's my time now, time
for me to do my first special.
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It's time for me to shine.
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Hey, sweetheart.
How's your mother?
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Time for me to show everyone
what the fuck I've got.
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[retching]
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- Brett, let's go. Showtime.
Come on. Ugh.
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00:00:43,084 --> 00:00:44,626
- I don't know
why I said I'd do this.
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00:00:44,627 --> 00:00:45,627
I don't want to do this.
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00:00:45,628 --> 00:00:46,879
There's too many
people out there.
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00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:48,630
I don't want to do a special.
It's insane to do a special--
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00:00:48,631 --> 00:00:50,550
- Pull yourself together!
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00:00:52,802 --> 00:00:55,971
[dramatic music]
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00:00:55,972 --> 00:00:58,058
[elevator bell dings]
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00:01:00,143 --> 00:01:04,272
[bell dinging]
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- [clears throat]
Like I was saying,
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time to show them
what I'm made of...
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- Oi!
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Have a great show, Brett.
- Cheers, Buddy G.
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- Just have fun!
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- In the greatest place
on Earth, New Jersey.
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00:01:19,829 --> 00:01:22,831
[cheers and applause]
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00:01:22,832 --> 00:01:25,834
[Curtis Mayfield's
"Move on Up" playing]
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♪ ♪
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- ♪ Hush now, child ♪
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♪ And don't you cry ♪
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♪ Your folks
might understand you ♪
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[song fades]
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- New Jersey, how are you?
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[cheers and applause]
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All right, then.
Let's start with my name.
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My name is Brett Goldstein.
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That is my real name.
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00:01:57,867 --> 00:02:01,370
And where I come from
in London, England,
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that's quite an exotic name.
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No one knows a Brett Goldstein.
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00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:08,627
I've come to the East Coast.
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Do you know who knows
a Brett Goldstein?
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00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:14,383
Everyone.
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00:02:14,384 --> 00:02:16,343
Everyone knows
a Brett Goldstein.
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00:02:16,344 --> 00:02:17,344
And not just that,
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00:02:17,345 --> 00:02:19,930
but, apparently,
Brett Goldstein is the name
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00:02:19,931 --> 00:02:22,558
of the guy
who first fingered you
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at summer camp.
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So...
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just here to continue a great
and important tradition.
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Thank you for having me.
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00:02:36,865 --> 00:02:39,658
I first came out to America
a few years ago, right?
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00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:41,743
And I first came out here
to do stand-up.
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00:02:41,744 --> 00:02:42,911
But I didn't know
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if I would fit in
with the American comedy scene.
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So I was in LA.
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I took myself
to the Comedy Store
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just to watch a show.
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I wanted to see
what it was like.
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And all the acts that I saw,
they were all brilliant,
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but the level of confidence
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was odd.
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00:03:01,389 --> 00:03:03,390
Like, everyone comes out
onstage like,
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what's up, bitches?
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00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:10,105
And then they all do this
weird sort of racial profiling.
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00:03:10,106 --> 00:03:13,693
They go, what's up, bitches?
Where my Peruvians at?
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And, like, I'm English, right?
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00:03:22,660 --> 00:03:25,287
So I do stand-up like I do sex.
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My true instinct is to come
out on stage and go, sorry.
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Thank you so much
for letting me do this.
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I promise it won't take long.
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I'll just put my head down.
We'll plow through.
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No, we don't have to make
eye contact.
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I'm as embarrassed as you are.
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[gasps]
You don't have to pay me.
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I'm just so grateful
you're letting me do it.
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I will pay you.
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00:03:52,523 --> 00:03:54,858
That's too much, too far.
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00:03:54,859 --> 00:03:57,194
But now I've toured
all over your country.
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I've seen all the sights now.
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I saw a man masturbating
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outside a CVS
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on a sunny Tuesday afternoon.
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00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:09,749
But I've also seen bad things.
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00:04:12,710 --> 00:04:14,670
I've been everywhere now.
I've seen all the things.
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00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:18,840
I've been to the White House,
as I'm sure we all have.
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00:04:18,841 --> 00:04:20,467
It was a couple of years ago.
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00:04:20,468 --> 00:04:22,678
You might not know this,
but the people from "Ted Lasso"
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were invited
to the White House.
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[cheers and applause]
Yeah.
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00:04:27,850 --> 00:04:32,355
It was a different time,
different White House cast.
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00:04:33,731 --> 00:04:35,482
You remember when there
was that White House cast,
99
00:04:35,483 --> 00:04:36,858
then there was
a different cast,
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00:04:36,859 --> 00:04:38,777
and then the old cast
got a new season?
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00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:42,531
Anyway, it was the middle cast,
and it was a big deal.
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00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:43,865
We were invited.
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00:04:43,866 --> 00:04:47,035
But one thing I didn't know
is that because of taxpayers--
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well done--
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they don't really give
proper food or drink to guests
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because it's a waste
of taxpayer money,
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which is very honorable.
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I just wish they'd told us that
in advance,
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because I didn't eat or drink
at all beforehand
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because I assumed we were going
to live like kings.
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Which I do appreciate is
the exact opposite reason
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for that building existing.
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We were there nine hours.
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Hour eight, I was sat
with the president,
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going, are you sure?
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Just a thimble of water?
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Please, sir.
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Let me Uber Eats.
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What else did I want to tell
you that's relatable?
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You know...
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Thank you.
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You know when you're
on "Sesame Street," right?
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We've all done it.
We've all done it.
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So I did an episode
of "Sesame Street,"
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and I say this without irony.
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This is not a joke.
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I mean this
with every bone in my body.
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It was the best day
of my life...
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[cheers and applause]
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Which is all well and good,
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00:06:06,115 --> 00:06:09,242
but I have had
to continue living ever since.
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And if I'm completely honest,
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I do find myself most days
at some point, going,
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00:06:14,123 --> 00:06:17,209
I mean, what's
the fucking point anymore?
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00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:19,795
When I did "Sesame Street,"
people said to me,
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oh, it doesn't get
better than that.
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I then went to the White House.
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It doesn't get
better than that.
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00:06:24,967 --> 00:06:29,179
Like, yes, I met the president,
but he's not Big Bird.
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And I truly worry
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that if I ever have a kid
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and one day my kid says to me,
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was the day I was born...
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00:06:41,317 --> 00:06:44,986
the best day of your life?
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I'll be like, no.
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Obviously not.
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Have you met fucking Elmo?
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'Cause I have,
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00:06:57,834 --> 00:07:01,002
you arrogant piece of shit.
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00:07:01,003 --> 00:07:03,630
And if Joe Biden had
had Flamin' Hot Cheetos,
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00:07:03,631 --> 00:07:05,383
you'd be number three.
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00:07:12,140 --> 00:07:15,016
Interesting thing
about doing "Sesame Street"--
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00:07:15,017 --> 00:07:17,686
hell of a sentence.
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Interesting thing--
when I did it,
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00:07:19,647 --> 00:07:21,440
I had in my head
who would be my favorite,
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00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:23,483
but when I actually did it,
they were not my favorite.
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00:07:23,484 --> 00:07:26,027
My favorite turned out
to be Cookie Monster.
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00:07:26,028 --> 00:07:27,654
Wasn't expecting it.
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00:07:27,655 --> 00:07:29,739
Cookie Monster really
took me by surprise.
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00:07:29,740 --> 00:07:32,492
I was like, fucking hell,
you're funny.
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And on the way home,
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I was like, why did I love
Cookie Monster so much?
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00:07:35,580 --> 00:07:37,664
And then I thought
about it, and I was like,
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00:07:37,665 --> 00:07:41,543
oh, it's because Cookie Monster
is an addict.
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00:07:41,544 --> 00:07:45,547
But we are meeting him
at the point of addiction
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where he's still fun.
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00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:54,055
Like, in a few months,
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00:07:54,056 --> 00:07:56,892
you don't want
to be hanging out with Cookie.
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00:07:56,893 --> 00:08:00,061
Cookie is a fucking nightmare
very soon.
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00:08:00,062 --> 00:08:03,064
But right now he's, like, peak
Cookie, you know what I mean?
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00:08:03,065 --> 00:08:06,359
Like, I truly think they should
do an intervention episode
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00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:10,030
of "Sesame Street" where, like,
Big Bird goes back to his nest,
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00:08:10,031 --> 00:08:13,033
and the cash from underneath it
is missing.
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00:08:13,034 --> 00:08:15,911
There's, like,
a cookie-crumb trail.
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00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:17,913
And Cookie Monster
goes into the kitchen
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00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:20,248
and turns on the light,
and they're all lined up.
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00:08:20,249 --> 00:08:23,586
And Elmo is like, Elmo
thinks you have a problem.
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00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:30,342
I should have said this
at the top.
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00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:32,886
I love your country.
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00:08:32,887 --> 00:08:35,972
You have to say that.
I love your country.
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00:08:35,973 --> 00:08:39,809
[cheers and applause]
Yep. Okay.
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00:08:39,810 --> 00:08:44,105
I love your country.
No notes.
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00:08:44,106 --> 00:08:48,027
No notes.
Everything seems well.
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00:08:50,112 --> 00:08:51,614
No notes.
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00:08:56,702 --> 00:09:00,330
One note, just one note,
but it's very, very small.
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00:09:00,331 --> 00:09:03,083
Everything else is perfect.
I wouldn't change a thing.
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00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:04,751
My only note,
and it's a very small one,
188
00:09:04,752 --> 00:09:07,587
and I'm sure this is cultural.
189
00:09:07,588 --> 00:09:11,716
I don't understand
your restroom situation.
190
00:09:11,717 --> 00:09:13,969
Now, call me old-fashioned,
191
00:09:13,970 --> 00:09:18,098
but I don't want to see you
taking a shit.
192
00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:21,560
I don't understand
why your stall doors
193
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:25,981
cover the torso
but nothing else.
194
00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:30,902
So you can see dick and balls
and poo and face,
195
00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:33,613
but not the chest because
that would be disgusting.
196
00:09:33,614 --> 00:09:35,365
No, you're right.
197
00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:37,367
And if that's not enough,
don't panic,
198
00:09:37,368 --> 00:09:39,661
because there is also
always a giant vertical gap
199
00:09:39,662 --> 00:09:41,162
all the way down
200
00:09:41,163 --> 00:09:43,373
so you definitely get
to see everything.
201
00:09:43,374 --> 00:09:44,791
Every restroom I walk in,
202
00:09:44,792 --> 00:09:47,294
I'm making eye contact
with a man straining.
203
00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:48,378
Oh.
204
00:09:48,379 --> 00:09:50,672
You all right, mate?
Looks like you need more fiber.
205
00:09:50,673 --> 00:09:52,966
You okay?
206
00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:54,968
And very occasionally,
you get lucky,
207
00:09:54,969 --> 00:09:57,679
and you get those restrooms
where it's, like, a room,
208
00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,514
and it has walls and a door.
209
00:09:59,515 --> 00:10:03,143
But those toilets always have
a lock that's just a button
210
00:10:03,144 --> 00:10:04,686
that you press.
211
00:10:04,687 --> 00:10:08,315
And you have no idea
if that now means it's locked.
212
00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:12,360
And the toilet is always
so far away.
213
00:10:12,361 --> 00:10:14,362
You're always like,
is it safe?
214
00:10:14,363 --> 00:10:15,614
Is it safe?
215
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:19,367
And the only way to check if it
is locked is to unlock it.
216
00:10:19,368 --> 00:10:21,202
So...
217
00:10:21,203 --> 00:10:23,997
it's either permanently locked
or permanently unlocked.
218
00:10:23,998 --> 00:10:27,876
It's like trying to
do Schrodinger's shit.
219
00:10:27,877 --> 00:10:30,879
In England,
when we need a number two,
220
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:33,882
we go inside a bank vault
in a submarine
221
00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:36,426
under the River Thames,
222
00:10:36,427 --> 00:10:39,138
as Winston Churchill intended.
223
00:10:46,729 --> 00:10:49,731
Two notes, just two notes.
224
00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:51,107
Everything else is perfect.
225
00:10:51,108 --> 00:10:52,859
I wouldn't change
a thing, I swear.
226
00:10:52,860 --> 00:10:56,237
It's a small note,
and I'm sure this is cultural.
227
00:10:56,238 --> 00:10:58,448
I hope you don't take this
the wrong way,
228
00:10:58,449 --> 00:11:03,244
but I find the way that
Americans finish phone calls
229
00:11:03,245 --> 00:11:06,748
to be aggressive and abrupt.
230
00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:08,249
In England,
231
00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:11,044
it takes about 25 minutes
to finish a phone call.
232
00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:12,420
We finish phone calls
like this.
233
00:11:12,421 --> 00:11:14,089
Thank you very much.
Lovely talking to you again.
234
00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:15,674
Lots of love to everyone.
Yeah, good stuff.
235
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,258
Yeah, we'll speak tomorrow.
Yeah, lots of love to everyone.
236
00:11:17,259 --> 00:11:19,094
Well done on everything.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay.
237
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:21,513
No, good night to you, sir.
Yes, okay. Lots of love.
238
00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:23,098
Yeah, thank you very much.
Yeah, it was a good chat.
239
00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:24,683
Yeah, thank you very much.
Thank you. Lots of love.
240
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:26,434
Okay, thank you, thank you.
Okay, thank you. Goodbye.
241
00:11:26,435 --> 00:11:30,189
In America, you get the
information, you go, yep.
242
00:11:33,150 --> 00:11:35,944
Every time I have a phone call
with an American, it ends,
243
00:11:35,945 --> 00:11:39,072
and I think I've done
something terribly wrong.
244
00:11:39,073 --> 00:11:42,117
I immediately text them--
are we okay?
245
00:11:42,118 --> 00:11:45,286
And they'll always write back,
all good, period, no kiss.
246
00:11:45,287 --> 00:11:47,288
I'm like, fuck.
247
00:11:47,289 --> 00:11:49,666
It's worse than I thought.
248
00:11:49,667 --> 00:11:51,793
I'll text back--
are we breaking up?
249
00:11:51,794 --> 00:11:53,503
They'll be like,
I'm your accountant.
250
00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:55,088
What are you talking about?
251
00:11:55,089 --> 00:11:58,259
I'm like, well, why are
you being such a cunt?
252
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:02,929
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
253
00:12:02,930 --> 00:12:05,098
Let's deal
with what just happened.
254
00:12:05,099 --> 00:12:08,101
I just very casually said
the C-word.
255
00:12:08,102 --> 00:12:10,562
Now, when I arrived
at the airport,
256
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:13,314
I was told I might be deported
if I did that,
257
00:12:13,315 --> 00:12:16,985
because, apparently, Americans
think that is a bad word.
258
00:12:16,986 --> 00:12:20,155
May we be big and brave
and talk about this?
259
00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:23,242
[cheers and applause]
260
00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:30,498
What the fuck is wrong
with you cunts?
261
00:12:30,499 --> 00:12:33,501
Cunt is my favorite part
on a human being.
262
00:12:33,502 --> 00:12:35,336
Why aren't you celebrating it?
263
00:12:35,337 --> 00:12:39,924
[cheers and applause]
264
00:12:39,925 --> 00:12:43,303
In England, we use that word
for everything.
265
00:12:43,304 --> 00:12:45,388
Like, yes, I can make it
sound nasty,
266
00:12:45,389 --> 00:12:47,056
like, who's this cunt?
267
00:12:47,057 --> 00:12:49,225
But, like, if I see
my best friend,
268
00:12:49,226 --> 00:12:51,978
I'm like, cunt,
269
00:12:51,979 --> 00:12:54,856
because I love him,
you know what I mean?
270
00:12:54,857 --> 00:12:56,524
And there's
so much nuance to it.
271
00:12:56,525 --> 00:12:58,568
You can use it
in so many circumstances.
272
00:12:58,569 --> 00:13:00,361
It's like snowflakes to Inuits.
273
00:13:00,362 --> 00:13:03,865
It's like, imagine you've been
on a night out with the girls,
274
00:13:03,866 --> 00:13:05,492
and you come home
and your husband's
275
00:13:05,493 --> 00:13:06,868
finally emptied the dishwasher.
276
00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:09,162
And he leaves you a note
saying, you're welcome,
277
00:13:09,163 --> 00:13:11,707
and you're like,
you little cunt.
278
00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:17,378
Or, like, when you finally meet
your wife's friend Sven,
279
00:13:17,379 --> 00:13:19,464
who she's been playing
all that tennis with,
280
00:13:19,465 --> 00:13:21,216
but she promised you
he was gay.
281
00:13:21,217 --> 00:13:24,512
But when you finally meet him,
you're like, this cunt.
282
00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:29,015
I hope it is now becoming clear
283
00:13:29,016 --> 00:13:31,017
why I've actually been doing
this tour.
284
00:13:31,018 --> 00:13:33,853
I am trying to bring "cunt"
to America.
285
00:13:33,854 --> 00:13:38,233
[cheers and applause]
286
00:13:38,234 --> 00:13:40,652
It's actually important work.
287
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:44,364
I did want to call
this show "The Cunt Mission,"
288
00:13:44,365 --> 00:13:49,202
but I was heavily advised
against it by everyone I know.
289
00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:52,205
It's a bit like the phrase
"the state of it."
290
00:13:52,206 --> 00:13:53,748
I don't know
if you have that here.
291
00:13:53,749 --> 00:13:56,417
My dad...
292
00:13:56,418 --> 00:13:59,087
eh, he won't mind me
saying this.
293
00:13:59,088 --> 00:14:02,257
We're filming it.
He'll be proud.
294
00:14:02,258 --> 00:14:06,594
My dad is
a massive pervert, and...
295
00:14:06,595 --> 00:14:09,389
if you ever meet my dad
and you're out with him,
296
00:14:09,390 --> 00:14:12,767
he will just point out
attractive women all night.
297
00:14:12,768 --> 00:14:16,563
And he'll go, fucking hell.
298
00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:19,190
Fucking hell.
299
00:14:19,191 --> 00:14:21,777
Look at the state of it.
300
00:14:23,529 --> 00:14:26,156
Nine months later, I was born.
301
00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:35,623
Three notes, just three notes.
302
00:14:35,624 --> 00:14:37,959
Everything else is perfect.
I wouldn't change a thing.
303
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:42,297
And it's a very small note,
and I'm sure it's cultural.
304
00:14:42,298 --> 00:14:44,966
As wonderful as it is here--
and it is truly wonderful--
305
00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:47,093
I think, if we're honest,
306
00:14:47,094 --> 00:14:51,306
sometimes it does feel
a bit edgy.
307
00:14:51,307 --> 00:14:54,350
Like, I don't always feel safe.
308
00:14:54,351 --> 00:14:56,769
And...
309
00:14:56,770 --> 00:14:58,646
I had this experience
in New York.
310
00:14:58,647 --> 00:15:00,481
I'm sure you'll be
able to relate to this.
311
00:15:00,482 --> 00:15:02,483
It was a few days ago, right?
I was out with a friend.
312
00:15:02,484 --> 00:15:04,694
It was about half 12:00 at
night, and I said goodbye.
313
00:15:04,695 --> 00:15:06,613
And I got the subway
back to my hotel.
314
00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:09,115
And the subway was
really packed, really busy.
315
00:15:09,116 --> 00:15:11,826
And the train I was on
pulled into a station,
316
00:15:11,827 --> 00:15:15,330
and everyone
got off my carriage,
317
00:15:15,331 --> 00:15:19,667
except for me
and one other person.
318
00:15:19,668 --> 00:15:22,629
And as the doors closed,
I had the overwhelming urge
319
00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:25,340
to turn to that person
and go...
320
00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:28,302
I'm gonna fucking kill you now.
321
00:15:31,847 --> 00:15:35,683
[applause]
322
00:15:35,684 --> 00:15:38,353
I mean, I didn't,
but I felt it,
323
00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:40,688
and it was powerful.
324
00:15:40,689 --> 00:15:43,859
I thought,
maybe I've been here too long.
325
00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:49,155
This next bit, I don't
actually have a segue for,
326
00:15:49,156 --> 00:15:52,158
so I'll just take a pause.
327
00:15:52,159 --> 00:15:55,245
[cheers and applause]
328
00:15:57,915 --> 00:16:01,334
My mum is really hot.
329
00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:02,752
I have a hot mum.
330
00:16:02,753 --> 00:16:05,838
I have a hot, sexy,
curvy, gorgeous mama.
331
00:16:05,839 --> 00:16:07,507
Tell us why you're
in therapy, Brett.
332
00:16:07,508 --> 00:16:09,384
I have a--
333
00:16:09,385 --> 00:16:13,596
I have a hot, sexy, curvy,
sexy, curvy, gorgeous mama.
334
00:16:13,597 --> 00:16:17,392
And, listen, do not be creeped
out by me saying this.
335
00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:18,851
These are not my words.
336
00:16:18,852 --> 00:16:21,229
These are the words
of every single person
337
00:16:21,230 --> 00:16:23,189
who has ever met my mum.
338
00:16:23,190 --> 00:16:24,983
What happens is,
people meet my mum.
339
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:25,984
Then they come to me,
340
00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:27,986
and they go, oh, my God,
I just met your mom.
341
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:30,321
She's so hot.
342
00:16:30,322 --> 00:16:32,573
And to this day,
343
00:16:32,574 --> 00:16:36,828
I do not know
what I am meant to say
344
00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:38,913
in response.
345
00:16:38,914 --> 00:16:41,249
Am I meant to go...
346
00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:45,253
[laughing]
Yeah!
347
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:48,840
Fucking right she is!
348
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:52,927
I've seen her naked, mate!
349
00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:55,972
She might have stopped working,
but those titties haven't.
350
00:16:55,973 --> 00:16:58,599
High five, high five,
high five!
351
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:01,687
I've been inside her.
You know what I mean?
352
00:17:03,689 --> 00:17:05,982
Oh, no.
353
00:17:05,983 --> 00:17:08,067
Oh.
354
00:17:08,068 --> 00:17:10,153
Oh, what a shame.
I'm so sorry.
355
00:17:10,154 --> 00:17:12,613
We were having
such a classy evening.
356
00:17:12,614 --> 00:17:14,115
What a shame.
357
00:17:14,116 --> 00:17:16,242
It honestly happens
to me so much
358
00:17:16,243 --> 00:17:19,620
that when people say it to me
whose mum is not hot,
359
00:17:19,621 --> 00:17:21,039
I'm like, am I meant to go,
360
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:24,126
and your mother
has a cracking personality?
361
00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:28,755
You're a good crowd,
New Jersey.
362
00:17:28,756 --> 00:17:30,798
You're a good crowd,
and you seem--
363
00:17:30,799 --> 00:17:34,178
[cheers and applause]
364
00:17:35,554 --> 00:17:39,640
I'm also vaguely distracted
by a child?
365
00:17:39,641 --> 00:17:42,060
In the front row?
366
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:43,811
Are you a child?
367
00:17:43,812 --> 00:17:45,980
Are you a human child?
368
00:17:45,981 --> 00:17:47,899
How old is this child?
369
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:49,275
You're 12.
Okay.
370
00:17:49,276 --> 00:17:52,154
Well, you're gonna
learn so much, and...
371
00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:58,159
And I'm happy to see you.
372
00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:01,287
And when you talk to your
therapist about this one day,
373
00:18:01,288 --> 00:18:03,039
just remember I meant well.
374
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,875
[chuckles]
375
00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:08,003
Thank you for being here.
376
00:18:09,838 --> 00:18:12,882
[chuckles]
But you do seem intelligent,
377
00:18:12,883 --> 00:18:16,636
and you do seem like you can
handle the serious stuff.
378
00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:19,722
I mean, I guess that's why
you come to comedy, isn't it?
379
00:18:19,723 --> 00:18:22,308
We can talk about
the serious stuff--fuck it.
380
00:18:22,309 --> 00:18:24,310
So, look...
381
00:18:24,311 --> 00:18:28,189
been an awful lot going on
these last few years, right?
382
00:18:28,190 --> 00:18:30,942
We've had the pandemic.
We've had wars.
383
00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:34,822
And worse than all of that,
we've had men.
384
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:41,786
Men is bad.
385
00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:43,996
Men is like, oh, boy.
386
00:18:43,997 --> 00:18:46,541
Like, men is bad.
387
00:18:46,542 --> 00:18:48,876
And I think I'm up to date
on everything
388
00:18:48,877 --> 00:18:51,170
with the Time's Up
and the MeToo,
389
00:18:51,171 --> 00:18:54,715
and the "not you as well."
390
00:18:54,716 --> 00:18:56,342
And, look, here's the truth.
391
00:18:56,343 --> 00:18:58,094
I don't mind
sharing it with you.
392
00:18:58,095 --> 00:18:59,554
You all seem like smart people.
393
00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:01,640
I'll tell you
the fucking truth.
394
00:19:04,101 --> 00:19:08,230
I always knew
that men were bad.
395
00:19:09,898 --> 00:19:12,859
I did, because we have
secret meetings on Tuesdays,
396
00:19:12,860 --> 00:19:16,696
and we brag about it
at the CVS.
397
00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:19,740
But...
398
00:19:19,741 --> 00:19:23,703
I did not know that they
were this bad in this amount.
399
00:19:23,704 --> 00:19:26,164
And the more I read
and the more I hear,
400
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:27,915
the more I feel
sort of embarrassed
401
00:19:27,916 --> 00:19:29,584
when I introduce myself
to people.
402
00:19:29,585 --> 00:19:32,378
Like, I sort of want to go,
well, obviously, I'm a man,
403
00:19:32,379 --> 00:19:36,591
but I'm not--
[laughs] I'm not a man.
404
00:19:36,592 --> 00:19:40,011
And I realized it must be
what it's like
405
00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:41,889
to be German...
406
00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:50,062
[cheers and applause]
407
00:19:50,063 --> 00:19:53,441
For the last 75 to 80 years,
because everyone you meet,
408
00:19:53,442 --> 00:19:55,902
you're going, well, see,
I'm German, but I'm not--
409
00:19:55,903 --> 00:19:57,945
[laughs] I'm not a Nazi.
410
00:19:57,946 --> 00:20:01,407
And everyone's going,
are you sure?
411
00:20:01,408 --> 00:20:03,784
Because you have got
blonde hair, blue eyes,
412
00:20:03,785 --> 00:20:05,661
and you are
incredibly efficient.
413
00:20:05,662 --> 00:20:07,496
And you're like,
no, no, no, no.
414
00:20:07,497 --> 00:20:09,415
But I high-five
straight up like normal.
415
00:20:09,416 --> 00:20:12,835
That's how you can tell.
It's in the high-fives.
416
00:20:12,836 --> 00:20:14,713
Just ask Elon.
417
00:20:16,465 --> 00:20:19,509
[cheers and applause]
418
00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:25,181
But it's like,
it's getting worse.
419
00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:26,641
Like, every day
I read something.
420
00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:28,059
Like, I feel
like I'm on the wrong team.
421
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:29,393
Like, it's embarrassing.
422
00:20:29,394 --> 00:20:32,230
Like, in Japan, some men
have started marrying pillows
423
00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:34,065
because they can't cope
with women.
424
00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:37,068
What the fuck is going on?
425
00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:38,486
And, look, I am very aware
426
00:20:38,487 --> 00:20:40,821
that me even talking
about this onstage
427
00:20:40,822 --> 00:20:43,282
is, in itself, problematic
428
00:20:43,283 --> 00:20:46,953
because, spoiler alert,
I am a man.
429
00:20:46,954 --> 00:20:50,081
Some of you might be thinking,
what is he up to?
430
00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:52,333
What is this sick fuck's angle?
431
00:20:52,334 --> 00:20:55,753
Like, is this like Darth Vader
coming out here and going,
432
00:20:55,754 --> 00:20:57,255
[deep voice]
Stormtroopers are bad.
433
00:20:57,256 --> 00:21:01,300
All back to the Death Star.
You're safe with me.
434
00:21:01,301 --> 00:21:04,179
[normal voice] That impression
is not getting better.
435
00:21:06,223 --> 00:21:08,474
I've been working on that
for six months.
436
00:21:08,475 --> 00:21:12,061
I would argue it's getting
worse and worse.
437
00:21:12,062 --> 00:21:13,854
But all this men stuff
is stressing me out.
438
00:21:13,855 --> 00:21:15,064
It's truly stressing me out.
439
00:21:15,065 --> 00:21:16,857
And the more I speak
to people about it,
440
00:21:16,858 --> 00:21:18,693
the more I hear
and the more I read,
441
00:21:18,694 --> 00:21:21,862
I'm like, I don't think there's
a solution to this,
442
00:21:21,863 --> 00:21:24,490
other than I think--I think
443
00:21:24,491 --> 00:21:27,535
you're gonna have to kill
all the men.
444
00:21:27,536 --> 00:21:29,578
And it doesn't have
to be nasty.
445
00:21:29,579 --> 00:21:31,330
It does not have to be ugly.
446
00:21:31,331 --> 00:21:34,875
You just get a load of porn
and sex robots and pillows,
447
00:21:34,876 --> 00:21:37,712
chuck them in the ocean,
and the men will just file in,
448
00:21:37,713 --> 00:21:40,131
one after the other.
449
00:21:40,132 --> 00:21:44,343
And, look, I am saying this
publicly because I do hope
450
00:21:44,344 --> 00:21:45,886
that when you enact this cull,
451
00:21:45,887 --> 00:21:48,598
you will keep me around
as a mascot.
452
00:21:49,933 --> 00:21:52,476
And I'll be very good.
I will cook, and I will clean.
453
00:21:52,477 --> 00:21:54,228
And you won't hear
a word out of me.
454
00:21:54,229 --> 00:21:57,023
And if at some point in your
new society of only women
455
00:21:57,024 --> 00:21:58,733
you do decide you want
to procreate,
456
00:21:58,734 --> 00:22:00,318
obviously,
I'm not gonna get sex--
457
00:22:00,319 --> 00:22:01,902
wouldn't want it,
wouldn't ask for it.
458
00:22:01,903 --> 00:22:04,238
But if you do want to
procreate, just give me a nod,
459
00:22:04,239 --> 00:22:07,409
and I'll leave a little pot
of cum in a safe space.
460
00:22:13,081 --> 00:22:16,876
Interesting discovery being
English in your country--
461
00:22:16,877 --> 00:22:20,921
I can say "little pot of cum,"
462
00:22:20,922 --> 00:22:23,425
and you think it's charming.
463
00:22:25,385 --> 00:22:27,261
"Little pot of cum"
in an English accent
464
00:22:27,262 --> 00:22:29,764
sounds like a kids' book.
465
00:22:29,765 --> 00:22:32,892
"The Little Pot of Cum
Who Could."
466
00:22:32,893 --> 00:22:35,102
That bit doesn't work
with an American accent.
467
00:22:35,103 --> 00:22:36,228
Like...
468
00:22:36,229 --> 00:22:37,938
[American accent] I leave her
a little pot of cum.
469
00:22:37,939 --> 00:22:39,357
[normal voice]
You're like, oh, God!
470
00:22:39,358 --> 00:22:40,399
Please don't do that, sir.
471
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:44,028
Please, no, keep your cum
to yourself, young man.
472
00:22:44,029 --> 00:22:45,946
I've never seen
"Downton Abbey,"
473
00:22:45,947 --> 00:22:47,406
but I know it's huge over here.
474
00:22:47,407 --> 00:22:49,367
I just assume
every episode is like,
475
00:22:49,368 --> 00:22:53,120
Your Lordship,
little pot of cum?
476
00:22:53,121 --> 00:22:55,206
What shall we take
for Thanksgiving?
477
00:22:55,207 --> 00:22:57,249
Little pot of cum?
478
00:22:57,250 --> 00:23:00,462
Ah, the christening soon--
Never mind.
479
00:23:04,633 --> 00:23:06,801
But I think toxic masculinity
is real.
480
00:23:06,802 --> 00:23:07,968
I think it's a real thing.
481
00:23:07,969 --> 00:23:10,262
I think it comes, certainly,
from men of my generation
482
00:23:10,263 --> 00:23:11,639
and above.
483
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:13,474
It's because we were raised
not to be open,
484
00:23:13,475 --> 00:23:15,309
not to be vulnerable, that
that's bad, that that's weak.
485
00:23:15,310 --> 00:23:17,645
So one of the only things
we can do to combat that is,
486
00:23:17,646 --> 00:23:20,022
I think we all need to learn
how to share more.
487
00:23:20,023 --> 00:23:23,692
But you ever shared
something with a friend,
488
00:23:23,693 --> 00:23:25,820
and then they've
shared something back,
489
00:23:25,821 --> 00:23:30,283
and then you thought, my God,
I wish we'd never shared?
490
00:23:33,161 --> 00:23:35,413
Because I have
a, um, ex-friend.
491
00:23:35,414 --> 00:23:39,750
I have an ex-friend because
of our little sharing session.
492
00:23:39,751 --> 00:23:41,335
There's a guy I've known
all my life.
493
00:23:41,336 --> 00:23:43,421
I went to school with him,
so we grew up together.
494
00:23:43,422 --> 00:23:45,631
He's like family.
I'd defend him to the death.
495
00:23:45,632 --> 00:23:47,633
If we met now, we probably
wouldn't be friends,
496
00:23:47,634 --> 00:23:49,468
but I grew up with him,
so he's like family.
497
00:23:49,469 --> 00:23:51,178
I'd defend him to the death.
498
00:23:51,179 --> 00:23:53,848
He's the sort of guy you say
has a heart of gold,
499
00:23:53,849 --> 00:23:56,142
which is a phrase
you never use for people
500
00:23:56,143 --> 00:23:58,644
who have a heart of gold.
501
00:23:58,645 --> 00:24:01,313
"Heart of gold" is a phrase
like, "can I be honest?"
502
00:24:01,314 --> 00:24:04,191
"Can I be honest?"
never ends nice.
503
00:24:04,192 --> 00:24:06,527
"Can I be honest?"
never ends in "I love you."
504
00:24:06,528 --> 00:24:08,487
"Can I be honest?" Always ends
with something like,
505
00:24:08,488 --> 00:24:11,950
"The sound of you eating
makes me want to kill myself."
506
00:24:13,827 --> 00:24:15,870
Anyway, friend from school,
507
00:24:15,871 --> 00:24:17,872
known him all my life,
heart of gold.
508
00:24:17,873 --> 00:24:20,249
And just a few years ago,
I have this kind of revelation.
509
00:24:20,250 --> 00:24:23,043
I'm like, we know nothing
about each other.
510
00:24:23,044 --> 00:24:25,212
We actually know nothing.
We've grown up together.
511
00:24:25,213 --> 00:24:26,547
We never talk about anything.
512
00:24:26,548 --> 00:24:28,674
And I said,
should we try something?
513
00:24:28,675 --> 00:24:30,259
I said, let's go out.
514
00:24:30,260 --> 00:24:33,429
We'll have a few drinks,
and let's try and sort of talk
515
00:24:33,430 --> 00:24:36,724
about how we feel and shit.
516
00:24:36,725 --> 00:24:41,228
And he said, are you having
a nervous breakdown?
517
00:24:41,229 --> 00:24:43,564
And I said, we'll see.
518
00:24:43,565 --> 00:24:45,900
And we went out.
519
00:24:45,901 --> 00:24:48,235
We had a few drinks,
and I went first.
520
00:24:48,236 --> 00:24:50,404
I said something out loud
I'd never said before.
521
00:24:50,405 --> 00:24:52,907
I was talking about
my girlfriend at the time,
522
00:24:52,908 --> 00:24:55,075
and I said, I think I love her.
523
00:24:55,076 --> 00:24:56,911
I feel like I love her.
524
00:24:56,912 --> 00:25:00,039
But when I'm out,
I am attracted to other people
525
00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:01,332
all the time.
526
00:25:01,333 --> 00:25:03,167
I don't know if that's natural,
that's human nature,
527
00:25:03,168 --> 00:25:05,085
or if that means
I don't actually love her.
528
00:25:05,086 --> 00:25:07,087
And he said, yeah.
529
00:25:07,088 --> 00:25:08,714
He said, yeah.
530
00:25:08,715 --> 00:25:10,633
I know what you mean, actually.
531
00:25:10,634 --> 00:25:13,886
He said, sometimes...
532
00:25:13,887 --> 00:25:16,222
when it gets
a bit much with my wife,
533
00:25:16,223 --> 00:25:19,391
in my lunch break,
I'll go downtown,
534
00:25:19,392 --> 00:25:23,271
I'll go down an alley, and
I'll get sucked off by a whore.
535
00:25:33,990 --> 00:25:37,035
[cheers and applause]
536
00:25:39,788 --> 00:25:42,290
And I was like, yeah.
537
00:25:43,625 --> 00:25:47,378
Similar, similar...
538
00:25:47,379 --> 00:25:48,546
similar stor--
539
00:25:48,547 --> 00:25:50,923
I can see how my story
led to your story.
540
00:25:50,924 --> 00:25:52,800
Yeah, similar.
541
00:25:52,801 --> 00:25:56,720
And I thought, I actually
don't know what to say now.
542
00:25:56,721 --> 00:25:59,139
He's properly stumped me.
543
00:25:59,140 --> 00:26:00,891
Like, I probably
shouldn't shame him.
544
00:26:00,892 --> 00:26:02,726
It's all that shame
sending him down alleys.
545
00:26:02,727 --> 00:26:05,813
But at the same time,
I have heard, as men,
546
00:26:05,814 --> 00:26:08,148
we are supposed to call
each other out.
547
00:26:08,149 --> 00:26:10,359
So I said to him, look...
548
00:26:10,360 --> 00:26:12,361
mate...
549
00:26:12,362 --> 00:26:15,323
we don't say "whore."
550
00:26:23,206 --> 00:26:25,374
So, look...
[clears throat]
551
00:26:25,375 --> 00:26:29,671
I worry...
552
00:26:31,339 --> 00:26:34,008
I worry...
553
00:26:34,009 --> 00:26:38,178
that my fear
of embarrassment...
554
00:26:38,179 --> 00:26:42,182
is far greater than my instinct
555
00:26:42,183 --> 00:26:44,311
to save a life.
556
00:26:49,733 --> 00:26:53,861
Where I live, there's this dog
that lives in my road.
557
00:26:53,862 --> 00:26:56,030
And I really like this dog.
It's a good dog. Good dog.
558
00:26:56,031 --> 00:26:57,948
It doesn't live in the road.
Like, it is housed.
559
00:26:57,949 --> 00:27:00,034
Like, it has a roommate.
It lives with this woman.
560
00:27:00,035 --> 00:27:02,202
But sometimes the dog
will be in the road.
561
00:27:02,203 --> 00:27:03,871
And I really like this dog.
It's a good dog.
562
00:27:03,872 --> 00:27:05,039
It's a good dog.
563
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:07,207
So whenever I see the dog,
I will stop, and I will--
564
00:27:07,208 --> 00:27:09,043
What word do you say?
- Pet.
565
00:27:09,044 --> 00:27:11,045
- Pet.
You say, pet, right, yeah?
566
00:27:11,046 --> 00:27:13,547
Here is my question
for you all.
567
00:27:13,548 --> 00:27:17,092
Did you all just run out
of verbs?
568
00:27:17,093 --> 00:27:19,721
Like, it is a pet.
569
00:27:24,017 --> 00:27:27,853
You're not dogging your dog,
you know what I mean?
570
00:27:27,854 --> 00:27:29,855
It makes it sound so creepy.
571
00:27:29,856 --> 00:27:32,191
Like, do you want to go out
to the farm and pig the pigs?
572
00:27:32,192 --> 00:27:35,069
No, thank you, Americans.
Thank you.
573
00:27:35,070 --> 00:27:37,905
So gross.
574
00:27:37,906 --> 00:27:39,865
So, anyway, I like this dog,
so whenever I see the dog,
575
00:27:39,866 --> 00:27:41,742
I will stop,
and I will stroke it.
576
00:27:41,743 --> 00:27:43,578
That sounds worse.
577
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:46,872
That's wor--
Oh, no, look, whenever--
578
00:27:46,873 --> 00:27:49,500
I'll stop, and I will touch it.
579
00:27:49,501 --> 00:27:51,919
No.
580
00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:53,921
I will scruffle it up.
581
00:27:53,922 --> 00:27:56,256
Like, I will get my hands
on that dog.
582
00:27:56,257 --> 00:27:58,717
No, you don't--
Like, I'm not--
583
00:27:58,718 --> 00:28:02,221
Don't--don't look
at me like that.
584
00:28:02,222 --> 00:28:04,098
I don't want the takeaway
of this show being,
585
00:28:04,099 --> 00:28:08,102
he can't do impressions,
and I think he fucked a dog.
586
00:28:08,103 --> 00:28:09,895
There's nothing going
on between me and--
587
00:28:09,896 --> 00:28:11,605
It's platonic
between me and the dog,
588
00:28:11,606 --> 00:28:12,898
to be clear, all right?
589
00:28:12,899 --> 00:28:14,608
At least for myself.
I can't speak for the dog.
590
00:28:14,609 --> 00:28:16,276
I'm not putting
words in the dog's--
591
00:28:16,277 --> 00:28:18,904
I'm not putting anything
in the dog's mouth, okay?
592
00:28:18,905 --> 00:28:20,656
Can't a man
and a dog be friends
593
00:28:20,657 --> 00:28:22,491
without the sex part
getting in the way?
594
00:28:22,492 --> 00:28:24,493
I believe so, yes.
All right?
595
00:28:24,494 --> 00:28:27,413
So, whenever I see this dog,
I will stop,
596
00:28:27,414 --> 00:28:28,914
and I will wave, all right?
597
00:28:28,915 --> 00:28:30,791
I just wave from afar.
598
00:28:30,792 --> 00:28:32,501
And one day,
I'm out in the street,
599
00:28:32,502 --> 00:28:34,294
and I see the dog
with the woman,
600
00:28:34,295 --> 00:28:36,171
and I stop and have a chat
with the woman, not the dog.
601
00:28:36,172 --> 00:28:38,006
And the woman says,
I've got to run an errand.
602
00:28:38,007 --> 00:28:39,466
Are you around for a bit?
603
00:28:39,467 --> 00:28:41,301
Do you want to take
the dog for a walk?
604
00:28:41,302 --> 00:28:42,594
And I said, I'd love to.
605
00:28:42,595 --> 00:28:44,513
And it was the first time
I'd been alone with the dog,
606
00:28:44,514 --> 00:28:47,141
which I am absolutely allowed
to be.
607
00:28:47,142 --> 00:28:48,892
I have a certificate.
608
00:28:48,893 --> 00:28:52,146
And I have the dog on a lead,
609
00:28:52,147 --> 00:28:54,648
and I walk the dog to the park.
610
00:28:54,649 --> 00:28:57,818
And I go right into the middle
of the park,
611
00:28:57,819 --> 00:29:00,320
and then I took the lead off.
612
00:29:00,321 --> 00:29:03,741
And the dog immediately bolted
613
00:29:03,742 --> 00:29:06,994
straight towards the main road.
[crowd ohs]
614
00:29:06,995 --> 00:29:09,496
And there was, like,
loads of people around.
615
00:29:09,497 --> 00:29:11,999
And I thought like, oh, like--
616
00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:13,459
I don't want to make a scene.
617
00:29:13,460 --> 00:29:15,961
Like, one of my biggest fears
618
00:29:15,962 --> 00:29:17,963
is becoming a GIF
that gets passed around,
619
00:29:17,964 --> 00:29:20,007
like, fucking hell!
620
00:29:20,008 --> 00:29:22,176
You know what I mean?
621
00:29:22,177 --> 00:29:25,345
So I thought--I thought...
622
00:29:25,346 --> 00:29:29,141
I thought,
I'm just gonna let it die.
623
00:29:29,142 --> 00:29:31,810
I thought I'd just have to say
to her, oh, the car came
624
00:29:31,811 --> 00:29:33,896
out of nowhere, but it didn't.
625
00:29:33,897 --> 00:29:35,189
It's a very straight road.
626
00:29:35,190 --> 00:29:37,524
I saw it about a quarter
of a mile away.
627
00:29:37,525 --> 00:29:38,984
Oh, I didn't hear it coming.
628
00:29:38,985 --> 00:29:42,196
It wasn't electric.
It was a gas-guzzling machine.
629
00:29:42,197 --> 00:29:43,989
And it really made me think,
630
00:29:43,990 --> 00:29:47,075
I actually
must not have children...
631
00:29:47,076 --> 00:29:50,454
because if I ever had, like,
a dickhead kid,
632
00:29:50,455 --> 00:29:53,207
if I ever had,
like, a real dickhead kid
633
00:29:53,208 --> 00:29:55,542
and I was out
with my dickhead kid
634
00:29:55,543 --> 00:29:58,462
and my dickhead kid
was causing chaos somewhere
635
00:29:58,463 --> 00:30:00,047
and someone was like,
whose is this?
636
00:30:00,048 --> 00:30:04,009
I'd be like...
[mumbles]
637
00:30:04,010 --> 00:30:06,887
I don't know.
He seems awful.
638
00:30:06,888 --> 00:30:08,847
And you'd know it was mine.
639
00:30:08,848 --> 00:30:11,392
It would be so hairy.
640
00:30:12,977 --> 00:30:14,645
It's a little werewolf kid
641
00:30:14,646 --> 00:30:16,396
running around
like Eddie Munster.
642
00:30:16,397 --> 00:30:18,232
Are you sure you
don't know him?
643
00:30:18,233 --> 00:30:19,650
Never seen him in my life.
644
00:30:19,651 --> 00:30:23,321
Why is he calling you "Daddy"?
Get off me, Brett Junior!
645
00:30:28,159 --> 00:30:31,245
Now, look, New Jersey...
646
00:30:31,246 --> 00:30:33,080
I heard your noises,
647
00:30:33,081 --> 00:30:36,375
so I realized I'm going to have
to say this.
648
00:30:36,376 --> 00:30:38,418
Otherwise, you're not
going to be able to enjoy
649
00:30:38,419 --> 00:30:41,088
the rest of the show.
650
00:30:41,089 --> 00:30:44,800
The dog survived,
all right?
651
00:30:44,801 --> 00:30:46,802
All right?
Yes.
652
00:30:46,803 --> 00:30:48,428
[cheers and applause]
653
00:30:48,429 --> 00:30:51,014
You think you're so tough, but
then you can't handle a story
654
00:30:51,015 --> 00:30:52,266
where a dog might have died.
655
00:30:52,267 --> 00:30:54,351
The dog
is absolutely fine, okay?
656
00:30:54,352 --> 00:30:56,436
What really happened is,
the dog ran this way,
657
00:30:56,437 --> 00:30:58,772
and the dog ran that way,
and we had a lovely walk.
658
00:30:58,773 --> 00:31:02,860
And then I took the dog home,
and we made love, okay?
659
00:31:02,861 --> 00:31:06,113
It was a happy ending
for both of us.
660
00:31:06,114 --> 00:31:08,448
Why do you think
my child is so hairy?
661
00:31:08,449 --> 00:31:11,702
Unnecessary.
Unnecessary add-on.
662
00:31:11,703 --> 00:31:13,078
I'm so sorry.
663
00:31:13,079 --> 00:31:15,665
We were having such
a classy evening.
664
00:31:17,333 --> 00:31:18,917
What's that?
665
00:31:18,918 --> 00:31:21,086
My biceps?
666
00:31:21,087 --> 00:31:24,298
Oh, yeah.
No, I--no, I've been--
667
00:31:24,299 --> 00:31:25,841
yeah, I've been
working out, but--
668
00:31:25,842 --> 00:31:27,676
well, I have to
because I've got to hold this.
669
00:31:27,677 --> 00:31:28,760
Yeah.
670
00:31:28,761 --> 00:31:30,762
Well, we can talk
about it if you want.
671
00:31:30,763 --> 00:31:34,641
All right.
Yeah, I go to the gym.
672
00:31:34,642 --> 00:31:36,435
I go to the gym.
Sorry about it.
673
00:31:36,436 --> 00:31:39,605
Yeah, I go to the gym.
I'll talk about it, fine.
674
00:31:39,606 --> 00:31:42,316
I go to the gym.
I go to the gym regularly.
675
00:31:42,317 --> 00:31:44,651
I go to the gym for
spiritual reasons, actually.
676
00:31:44,652 --> 00:31:48,322
I go because I would like
to look good naked.
677
00:31:48,323 --> 00:31:50,949
But, truthfully,
the gym that I go to--
678
00:31:50,950 --> 00:31:53,744
I don't actually like this gym.
I sort of hate it.
679
00:31:53,745 --> 00:31:55,829
I only go to it because
it's the nearest one.
680
00:31:55,830 --> 00:31:59,333
But it's a real sort
of testosterone-y gym,
681
00:31:59,334 --> 00:32:00,792
if that's not a pizza.
682
00:32:00,793 --> 00:32:05,130
It's like a real sort of
testosterone-y and cheese
683
00:32:05,131 --> 00:32:07,466
deep-dish gym,
you know what I mean?
684
00:32:07,467 --> 00:32:10,135
Like, it's always sort of men
just fucking standing around,
685
00:32:10,136 --> 00:32:12,137
fucking moody,
staring at each other.
686
00:32:12,138 --> 00:32:14,264
And all I ever want to use
is the weights machine,
687
00:32:14,265 --> 00:32:16,350
and there'll always be
someone on it for hours.
688
00:32:16,351 --> 00:32:18,769
And, eventually, I'll be like,
can I jump in on that?
689
00:32:18,770 --> 00:32:20,187
And they'll be like, fuck off.
690
00:32:20,188 --> 00:32:22,773
And I'll be like,
yeah, cool, cool, cool.
691
00:32:22,774 --> 00:32:25,652
I'll just keep doing
body-weight squats.
692
00:32:29,572 --> 00:32:31,657
But something happened
the other day at the gym.
693
00:32:31,658 --> 00:32:33,033
This is completely true.
694
00:32:33,034 --> 00:32:35,702
And this just shows
you the power of music.
695
00:32:35,703 --> 00:32:38,038
Now, I don't know
if this was an accident,
696
00:32:38,039 --> 00:32:39,581
someone did this deliberately,
697
00:32:39,582 --> 00:32:41,708
or the playlist was
just on random shuffle,
698
00:32:41,709 --> 00:32:45,212
but the song that was playing
in the gym was this...
699
00:32:45,213 --> 00:32:48,090
- ♪ When I bang on 'em,
bang on 'em, that's when I-- ♪
700
00:32:48,091 --> 00:32:51,385
- Everyone fucking menacing,
staring each other out,
701
00:32:51,386 --> 00:32:53,720
lifting weights,
looking fucking moody.
702
00:32:53,721 --> 00:32:57,015
And then the next song
came on, and it was this.
703
00:32:57,016 --> 00:33:00,018
[The Beatles' "Yesterday"
playing]
704
00:33:00,019 --> 00:33:01,478
♪ ♪
705
00:33:01,479 --> 00:33:04,564
- ♪ Yesterday... ♪
706
00:33:04,565 --> 00:33:08,235
- And everything changed.
707
00:33:08,236 --> 00:33:09,987
I don't know
if you've ever seen a man
708
00:33:09,988 --> 00:33:13,657
lift weights wistfully.
709
00:33:13,658 --> 00:33:15,075
It's a thing.
710
00:33:15,076 --> 00:33:18,370
Man doing push-ups
started weeping.
711
00:33:18,371 --> 00:33:20,872
Man on the treadmill
stopped doing hill sprints
712
00:33:20,873 --> 00:33:23,083
and started looking within.
713
00:33:23,084 --> 00:33:25,752
And then the man by the weights
machine came over to me,
714
00:33:25,753 --> 00:33:28,255
and he went, sorry,
I've been so aggressive, bro.
715
00:33:28,256 --> 00:33:30,215
I think it's because my mum
didn't give me
716
00:33:30,216 --> 00:33:32,259
enough attention as a child.
717
00:33:32,260 --> 00:33:33,719
I said, I get that.
718
00:33:33,720 --> 00:33:35,595
He said, do you want
to use the weights?
719
00:33:35,596 --> 00:33:38,974
I said, let's use
them together.
720
00:33:38,975 --> 00:33:41,935
[cheers and applause]
721
00:33:41,936 --> 00:33:44,312
Lovely.
722
00:33:44,313 --> 00:33:47,566
True story.
True story, word for word.
723
00:33:47,567 --> 00:33:49,443
I guess the real weights
724
00:33:49,444 --> 00:33:53,113
were the friends
we made along the way.
725
00:33:53,114 --> 00:33:55,782
I did, actually,
end up making friends
726
00:33:55,783 --> 00:33:56,992
with one of these guys.
727
00:33:56,993 --> 00:34:00,454
You know, there's a thing with
men who work out at the gym.
728
00:34:00,455 --> 00:34:03,248
There's a bit I must miss
when people work out too much,
729
00:34:03,249 --> 00:34:06,626
where it sort of goes big,
bigger, pyramid.
730
00:34:06,627 --> 00:34:08,086
You know what I mean?
731
00:34:08,087 --> 00:34:10,922
Like, sort of, big,
bigger, human Toblerone.
732
00:34:10,923 --> 00:34:12,341
And...
733
00:34:14,010 --> 00:34:16,636
I made friends with one
of these Toblerone guys, right?
734
00:34:16,637 --> 00:34:19,556
And we used to chat a bit
after a workout,
735
00:34:19,557 --> 00:34:21,475
and then he disappeared
for a few months.
736
00:34:21,476 --> 00:34:22,726
Didn't see him.
737
00:34:22,727 --> 00:34:25,062
Then he came back, and I was
like, where have you been?
738
00:34:25,063 --> 00:34:28,648
And it turned out,
he had taken himself to China
739
00:34:28,649 --> 00:34:31,693
to train to become,
like, a Shaolin warrior
740
00:34:31,694 --> 00:34:32,861
or something.
741
00:34:32,862 --> 00:34:34,654
And he came back.
I said, how was it?
742
00:34:34,655 --> 00:34:38,325
He said, yeah, it was
fucking amazing, actually.
743
00:34:38,326 --> 00:34:40,327
They used to wake us
at 3:00 in the morning
744
00:34:40,328 --> 00:34:42,537
and beat us with sacks.
745
00:34:42,538 --> 00:34:45,791
I said, that sounds incredible.
746
00:34:45,792 --> 00:34:48,210
And he said,
I can kick really high now.
747
00:34:48,211 --> 00:34:50,504
And I was like...
[chuckles] Cool.
748
00:34:50,505 --> 00:34:52,839
I said, how high can you kick?
749
00:34:52,840 --> 00:34:56,510
And he said, I could kick you
in the fucking head.
750
00:34:56,511 --> 00:34:59,180
Interesting unit
of measurement.
751
00:35:01,057 --> 00:35:04,017
But he told me something
that I completely believed.
752
00:35:04,018 --> 00:35:06,686
He told me that because
he'd done this training,
753
00:35:06,687 --> 00:35:09,481
now, if he was ever
in a bar or anywhere
754
00:35:09,482 --> 00:35:12,818
and someone were to start
a fight with him,
755
00:35:12,819 --> 00:35:14,945
that now, legally,
756
00:35:14,946 --> 00:35:18,490
he had to say three times
757
00:35:18,491 --> 00:35:22,119
that he was a lethal weapon...
758
00:35:22,120 --> 00:35:24,413
before he could engage
in combat.
759
00:35:26,040 --> 00:35:30,211
Nothing would escalate
a fight quicker...
760
00:35:32,213 --> 00:35:35,674
Than someone saying,
I'm a lethal weapon.
761
00:35:35,675 --> 00:35:37,342
What's that?
Did you hear me?
762
00:35:37,343 --> 00:35:38,718
Oh, yeah, we all heard you.
763
00:35:38,719 --> 00:35:41,179
Well, listen again.
I'm a lethal weapon.
764
00:35:41,180 --> 00:35:42,889
Should we go outside?
765
00:35:42,890 --> 00:35:44,391
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
766
00:35:44,392 --> 00:35:46,017
I'm a lethal weapon.
767
00:35:46,018 --> 00:35:49,730
What are you--
Douchebag Beetlejuice?
768
00:35:52,775 --> 00:35:56,570
But I actually believed him.
It kind of made sense to me.
769
00:35:56,571 --> 00:35:59,781
It's only recently it occurred
to me that if that is true,
770
00:35:59,782 --> 00:36:02,200
that means if one day
he kills someone,
771
00:36:02,201 --> 00:36:05,203
then in a court of law,
the judge can just be like,
772
00:36:05,204 --> 00:36:06,371
excuse me, sir, can I check?
773
00:36:06,372 --> 00:36:08,582
Did you say you were
a lethal weapon three times?
774
00:36:08,583 --> 00:36:09,875
I did, yeah.
775
00:36:09,876 --> 00:36:12,586
Ah, case dismissed.
Not guilty.
776
00:36:12,587 --> 00:36:15,755
She was asleep when I said it,
but I did say it.
777
00:36:15,756 --> 00:36:17,884
[scattered laughter]
778
00:36:20,178 --> 00:36:23,346
She's not real.
779
00:36:23,347 --> 00:36:26,391
The dog survived.
780
00:36:26,392 --> 00:36:29,896
When will you trust me?
781
00:36:32,815 --> 00:36:34,608
So, of all the issues
we have in the world--
782
00:36:34,609 --> 00:36:35,817
and we do have so many--
783
00:36:35,818 --> 00:36:37,944
if I may be sincere
for a moment,
784
00:36:37,945 --> 00:36:39,988
I think that we have
one major issue
785
00:36:39,989 --> 00:36:41,990
that all our other issues
stem from,
786
00:36:41,991 --> 00:36:44,326
and that issue
is wealth inequality.
787
00:36:44,327 --> 00:36:46,661
I think the gap between rich
and poor is insane.
788
00:36:46,662 --> 00:36:48,246
It seems to be getting worse,
789
00:36:48,247 --> 00:36:50,498
and I think all of our problems
come from that.
790
00:36:50,499 --> 00:36:52,167
And I think the only way
791
00:36:52,168 --> 00:36:54,127
we can truly start to deal
with that is,
792
00:36:54,128 --> 00:36:56,421
I believe
we need to tax the rich.
793
00:36:56,422 --> 00:36:58,006
And...
794
00:36:58,007 --> 00:37:00,800
[cheers and applause]
795
00:37:00,801 --> 00:37:02,802
It's something
I'm very passionate about.
796
00:37:02,803 --> 00:37:05,388
I've been on lots of marches
with my friends about it.
797
00:37:05,389 --> 00:37:07,891
And, um--and, um...
798
00:37:07,892 --> 00:37:09,977
and, uh...
799
00:37:12,647 --> 00:37:15,524
And then a couple
of years ago...
800
00:37:21,656 --> 00:37:25,825
I got a job, and it was
the first time in my life
801
00:37:25,826 --> 00:37:28,161
I'd been sort of
fairly well paid.
802
00:37:28,162 --> 00:37:31,998
And I found myself on one of
these marches with my friends.
803
00:37:31,999 --> 00:37:35,293
And I was like, tax the rich!
Tax the rich! Tax--
804
00:37:35,294 --> 00:37:38,672
Maybe deal with them on an
individual, case-by-case basis.
805
00:37:38,673 --> 00:37:41,466
Like, let's hear them out.
806
00:37:41,467 --> 00:37:44,052
Some of them
probably got good hearts,
807
00:37:44,053 --> 00:37:46,555
hearts of gold, if you will.
808
00:37:49,725 --> 00:37:51,351
But I'll tell you
the truth, right?
809
00:37:51,352 --> 00:37:54,479
So I was involved
in "Ted Lasso," right?
810
00:37:54,480 --> 00:37:55,689
And--
811
00:37:55,690 --> 00:37:58,858
[cheers and applause]
Thank you very much.
812
00:37:58,859 --> 00:38:01,820
And I will be
forever grateful for it.
813
00:38:01,821 --> 00:38:04,030
It truly changed my life.
814
00:38:04,031 --> 00:38:08,368
I had been working for years
and years before that.
815
00:38:08,369 --> 00:38:10,704
Turns out, it makes quite
a big difference
816
00:38:10,705 --> 00:38:13,873
when people
actually watch the thing.
817
00:38:13,874 --> 00:38:15,292
Previous to "Ted Lasso,"
818
00:38:15,293 --> 00:38:17,168
I'd just sort of been
making stuff
819
00:38:17,169 --> 00:38:19,129
and kind of kicking it
down a well.
820
00:38:19,130 --> 00:38:22,591
Like, see you later, my 20s.
Absolute waste of time.
821
00:38:24,802 --> 00:38:27,137
So I did "Ted Lasso,"
and it changed my life,
822
00:38:27,138 --> 00:38:28,888
and I feel very privileged.
823
00:38:28,889 --> 00:38:30,307
And people often come up to me,
824
00:38:30,308 --> 00:38:32,142
and they say,
like, what's next?
825
00:38:32,143 --> 00:38:33,727
What have you got
going on next?
826
00:38:33,728 --> 00:38:37,647
And since you've been
very generous to me, actually,
827
00:38:37,648 --> 00:38:40,567
I will share with you
an exclusive.
828
00:38:40,568 --> 00:38:42,527
But you can't tell anyone
829
00:38:42,528 --> 00:38:45,196
because the special
won't come out for a while.
830
00:38:45,197 --> 00:38:47,282
Like, I've been in LA.
I've been pitching a show.
831
00:38:47,283 --> 00:38:49,284
I'm really excited,
but you can't--
832
00:38:49,285 --> 00:38:51,286
I haven't sold it yet,
not quite.
833
00:38:51,287 --> 00:38:53,413
Anyway, I'll tell you.
834
00:38:53,414 --> 00:38:57,417
So the next show
that I want to make...
835
00:38:57,418 --> 00:39:01,255
is a show called
"MDMA Fighting."
836
00:39:04,675 --> 00:39:06,551
And what it is...
837
00:39:06,552 --> 00:39:10,221
you take two highly skilled
MMA fighters,
838
00:39:10,222 --> 00:39:15,101
you dose them up with MDMA
30 minutes before a match,
839
00:39:15,102 --> 00:39:17,395
then half hour later, you stick
them in a cage together,
840
00:39:17,396 --> 00:39:18,772
and you go, go.
841
00:39:18,773 --> 00:39:21,901
And they walk
towards each other like...
842
00:39:35,373 --> 00:39:37,458
You are so big.
843
00:39:38,834 --> 00:39:40,960
Your skin is so tight.
844
00:39:40,961 --> 00:39:42,837
And the referee's like,
come on!
845
00:39:42,838 --> 00:39:44,172
And he pushes them together,
846
00:39:44,173 --> 00:39:45,965
but they just start nuzzling
each other's necks
847
00:39:45,966 --> 00:39:47,801
and squeezing
each other's head.
848
00:39:47,802 --> 00:39:49,010
And he's like, break it up!
849
00:39:49,011 --> 00:39:50,970
And they're like,
leave us alone!
850
00:39:50,971 --> 00:39:53,348
And they're just cuddling
and cuddling and cuddling.
851
00:39:53,349 --> 00:39:55,100
They won't let go
of each other.
852
00:39:55,101 --> 00:39:57,143
And they're cuddling
and cuddling, cuddling.
853
00:39:57,144 --> 00:39:58,937
And they end up
down on the ground.
854
00:39:58,938 --> 00:40:00,438
They're cuddling.
855
00:40:00,439 --> 00:40:02,816
And then they lie there
arm in arm,
856
00:40:02,817 --> 00:40:05,360
and then they look up,
and one of them goes...
857
00:40:05,361 --> 00:40:09,280
[gasps]
It's a cage.
858
00:40:09,281 --> 00:40:12,450
And the other one goes,
when you think about it,
859
00:40:12,451 --> 00:40:14,744
is it all a cage?
860
00:40:14,745 --> 00:40:17,747
[The Beatles' "Yesterday"
playing]
861
00:40:17,748 --> 00:40:19,833
♪ ♪
862
00:40:19,834 --> 00:40:23,336
- ♪ Yesterday ♪
863
00:40:23,337 --> 00:40:25,338
Thank you.
[music stops]
864
00:40:25,339 --> 00:40:27,257
Thank you very much, yeah.
865
00:40:27,258 --> 00:40:29,801
The pitches are going well,
you know.
866
00:40:29,802 --> 00:40:32,430
Mark Cuban is a yes,
so we'll see.
867
00:40:35,182 --> 00:40:37,600
Just a warning--
this next thing I'm gonna say
868
00:40:37,601 --> 00:40:40,103
is the most controversial thing
I'm gonna say tonight,
869
00:40:40,104 --> 00:40:41,438
so just strap in.
870
00:40:41,439 --> 00:40:43,022
Like, we'll get
through this bit,
871
00:40:43,023 --> 00:40:45,567
and then it's easy
from here on out, all right?
872
00:40:45,568 --> 00:40:47,652
Well, look,
I'm gonna say this...
873
00:40:47,653 --> 00:40:50,238
[sighs] Because I do actually
think it's important
874
00:40:50,239 --> 00:40:51,656
to speak your truth,
875
00:40:51,657 --> 00:40:54,242
and I don't want to pretend
I'm something I'm not anymore.
876
00:40:54,243 --> 00:40:57,955
So I'm just gonna say it,
then it's been said, okay?
877
00:40:59,707 --> 00:41:02,417
I love musicals.
878
00:41:02,418 --> 00:41:03,877
All right?
879
00:41:03,878 --> 00:41:06,379
[cheers and applause]
880
00:41:06,380 --> 00:41:08,173
I love musicals.
881
00:41:08,174 --> 00:41:10,049
I'm not gonna pretend
I don't anymore.
882
00:41:10,050 --> 00:41:11,885
I do actually love musicals.
883
00:41:11,886 --> 00:41:14,304
I love musicals, but...
884
00:41:14,305 --> 00:41:17,307
I hate plays.
885
00:41:17,308 --> 00:41:21,478
Plays are boring,
and you all know it.
886
00:41:21,479 --> 00:41:23,313
Once you've enjoyed a musical,
887
00:41:23,314 --> 00:41:25,899
it's very difficult
to get back to a play.
888
00:41:25,900 --> 00:41:27,692
Once you've experienced
the majesty
889
00:41:27,693 --> 00:41:29,694
of "Defying Gravity,"
890
00:41:29,695 --> 00:41:33,490
very difficult to get anything
out of, "To be or not to be."
891
00:41:33,491 --> 00:41:35,825
You're talking.
Plays are boring.
892
00:41:35,826 --> 00:41:37,577
Plays are boring.
893
00:41:37,578 --> 00:41:39,329
And anyone
who tells you otherwise
894
00:41:39,330 --> 00:41:41,748
is lying to you and themselves.
895
00:41:41,749 --> 00:41:44,210
Chekhov can fuck off.
896
00:41:46,128 --> 00:41:48,087
And Shakespeare...
897
00:41:48,088 --> 00:41:50,799
why are we still talking
about this cunt?
898
00:41:52,218 --> 00:41:55,261
I went to see
"Romeo and Juliet."
899
00:41:55,262 --> 00:41:59,225
It is an exact rip-off
of "West Side Story."
900
00:42:02,353 --> 00:42:04,479
You think I'm not gonna notice
901
00:42:04,480 --> 00:42:06,731
'cause you took
the clicking out, William?
902
00:42:06,732 --> 00:42:08,775
Come on!
903
00:42:08,776 --> 00:42:11,236
And if Shakespeare
is such a genius writer,
904
00:42:11,237 --> 00:42:13,571
let's talk about the plotting
of "Romeo and Juliet."
905
00:42:13,572 --> 00:42:15,740
First two acts, fine.
Star-crossed lovers, fine.
906
00:42:15,741 --> 00:42:18,368
Then what happens is, Juliet
says, I want to marry Romeo.
907
00:42:18,369 --> 00:42:20,620
Her dad says no,
and he locks her in a bedroom
908
00:42:20,621 --> 00:42:22,038
with a priest and a nurse.
909
00:42:22,039 --> 00:42:23,039
Okay.
910
00:42:23,040 --> 00:42:24,415
She says, what will I do?
911
00:42:24,416 --> 00:42:26,125
The priest says,
I've got an idea.
912
00:42:26,126 --> 00:42:28,127
Never a good sign
when a priest says to a child,
913
00:42:28,128 --> 00:42:30,547
I have an idea.
914
00:42:30,548 --> 00:42:32,757
He says, I've got this poison.
915
00:42:32,758 --> 00:42:35,635
I haven't really tried it, but
I'm pretty sure if you take it,
916
00:42:35,636 --> 00:42:38,137
you'll be dead for 48 hours.
917
00:42:38,138 --> 00:42:39,639
They'll have a funeral.
They'll mourn you.
918
00:42:39,640 --> 00:42:41,140
They'll leave you in a crypt.
919
00:42:41,141 --> 00:42:43,434
And then in two days,
Romeo can come along.
920
00:42:43,435 --> 00:42:45,562
You'll wake up,
and you two can run off.
921
00:42:45,563 --> 00:42:47,772
If Shakespeare
is such a good writer,
922
00:42:47,773 --> 00:42:50,149
the next line
should be Juliet saying,
923
00:42:50,150 --> 00:42:54,071
um, does anyone have
any other ideas?
924
00:42:55,864 --> 00:42:58,992
That sounds fucking mental.
925
00:42:58,993 --> 00:43:01,828
No, Juliet, it's always
the most obvious thing.
926
00:43:01,829 --> 00:43:04,539
It's got to be
the 48-hour poison thing.
927
00:43:04,540 --> 00:43:06,541
Can we not just sneak
out the back?
928
00:43:06,542 --> 00:43:09,877
No, sorry. It's got to be
the old 48-hour poison.
929
00:43:09,878 --> 00:43:11,796
What, you're saying
they'll have a funeral?
930
00:43:11,797 --> 00:43:12,922
Yeah.
931
00:43:12,923 --> 00:43:15,884
What if they cremate me?
You're overthinking it, Juliet.
932
00:43:17,886 --> 00:43:19,804
I went to see "Hamlet"
or "Macbeth"--
933
00:43:19,805 --> 00:43:21,307
couldn't tell you which.
934
00:43:22,850 --> 00:43:24,434
I went to see
"Hamlet" or "Macbeth"--
935
00:43:24,435 --> 00:43:25,602
couldn't tell you which.
936
00:43:25,603 --> 00:43:27,186
They're both gibberish, right?
937
00:43:27,187 --> 00:43:30,690
This is how low people's bar
was for entertainment.
938
00:43:30,691 --> 00:43:32,442
In the middle of "Hamlet"
or "Macbeth,"
939
00:43:32,443 --> 00:43:33,860
doesn't matter which--
940
00:43:33,861 --> 00:43:36,029
in the middle
of "Hamlet" or "Macbeth,"
941
00:43:36,030 --> 00:43:38,448
one of the characters
says this--
942
00:43:38,449 --> 00:43:40,450
"Well, yes...
943
00:43:40,451 --> 00:43:43,202
as the hare, the lion."
944
00:43:43,203 --> 00:43:45,955
And people laughed.
945
00:43:45,956 --> 00:43:49,542
I was fucking fuming.
946
00:43:49,543 --> 00:43:51,044
I was stalking the aisles,
947
00:43:51,045 --> 00:43:52,920
like, are you
fucking kidding me?
948
00:43:52,921 --> 00:43:55,214
This is seriously doing it
for you?
949
00:43:55,215 --> 00:43:57,425
I said, take yourself
to an open-mic comedy night,
950
00:43:57,426 --> 00:43:59,427
listen to someone ask
where the Peruvians are at,
951
00:43:59,428 --> 00:44:01,930
and it'll blow the brains
out of your head.
952
00:44:03,891 --> 00:44:06,559
And, look, I am well aware
that one day I will do a play,
953
00:44:06,560 --> 00:44:08,770
and this clip
will be used against me.
954
00:44:08,771 --> 00:44:10,229
But let me be very clear.
955
00:44:10,230 --> 00:44:12,065
I never said it isn't fun
to do a play.
956
00:44:12,066 --> 00:44:14,233
It's really fun to do a play.
It's just boring to watch them.
957
00:44:14,234 --> 00:44:16,403
Please come see my play.
958
00:44:18,322 --> 00:44:22,408
[cheers and applause]
959
00:44:22,409 --> 00:44:24,744
I hate plays,
but I love musicals,
960
00:44:24,745 --> 00:44:29,082
'cause a musical is like
a play where stuff happens.
961
00:44:29,083 --> 00:44:31,084
But as much as I love
a musical,
962
00:44:31,085 --> 00:44:32,585
and I do love a musical,
963
00:44:32,586 --> 00:44:35,088
I could never be in a musical.
964
00:44:35,089 --> 00:44:37,507
And it's not because
I can't sing or dance.
965
00:44:37,508 --> 00:44:39,550
I can't.
966
00:44:39,551 --> 00:44:41,260
It's more because...
967
00:44:41,261 --> 00:44:43,262
as much as I love a musical,
968
00:44:43,263 --> 00:44:47,266
I could never do the face...
969
00:44:47,267 --> 00:44:50,103
that every actor has to do
970
00:44:50,104 --> 00:44:52,105
at the start of every musical
971
00:44:52,106 --> 00:44:55,984
without wanting
to, you know, self-harm.
972
00:44:57,820 --> 00:44:59,987
Since we're filming this,
I will try it for you, right?
973
00:44:59,988 --> 00:45:01,572
I'm gonna try the face.
974
00:45:01,573 --> 00:45:04,242
Now, you've all seen
a musical, right?
975
00:45:04,243 --> 00:45:05,660
Some are silly.
Some are difficult.
976
00:45:05,661 --> 00:45:07,495
Some are deep.
Some are frivolous.
977
00:45:07,496 --> 00:45:10,665
All musicals begin
with an actor coming onstage,
978
00:45:10,666 --> 00:45:12,626
doing this face.
979
00:45:19,133 --> 00:45:22,302
[cheers and applause]
980
00:45:29,059 --> 00:45:30,977
New York City, I made it!
981
00:45:30,978 --> 00:45:33,230
Fuck it, I'll be sick
in my own mouth.
982
00:45:35,232 --> 00:45:37,567
All right, we are now
at the relationship section
983
00:45:37,568 --> 00:45:38,819
of the show.
984
00:45:40,988 --> 00:45:44,240
Do we have any marrieds in?
[applause]
985
00:45:44,241 --> 00:45:46,451
So many marrieds.
986
00:45:46,452 --> 00:45:49,037
Are you a married?
How long have you been married?
987
00:45:50,330 --> 00:45:54,292
- Almost 30 fucking years?
Respect.
988
00:45:54,293 --> 00:45:57,670
That sounds like a record.
Can anyone beat that?
989
00:45:57,671 --> 00:46:00,882
40-fucking-7 over here.
990
00:46:00,883 --> 00:46:02,550
This is now
a very weird auction.
991
00:46:02,551 --> 00:46:04,886
No one wins anything, but...
992
00:46:04,887 --> 00:46:06,637
but you do win our respect.
993
00:46:06,638 --> 00:46:09,515
47--listen, I am not going
to make fun of the marrieds.
994
00:46:09,516 --> 00:46:11,893
I got nothing but respect
for the marrieds.
995
00:46:11,894 --> 00:46:13,186
I've never been married.
996
00:46:13,187 --> 00:46:15,313
I never made a vow
in front of God or the law.
997
00:46:15,314 --> 00:46:19,067
But you did,
and I'm sure you meant it...
998
00:46:20,736 --> 00:46:23,362
At the time.
999
00:46:23,363 --> 00:46:25,656
I've never been married.
1000
00:46:25,657 --> 00:46:28,618
And the truth is,
I never wanted to be married.
1001
00:46:28,619 --> 00:46:31,037
And it's only recently
it occurs to me why.
1002
00:46:31,038 --> 00:46:32,997
And I think it's actually
'cause of comedy.
1003
00:46:32,998 --> 00:46:35,208
I think comedy
ruined marriage for me,
1004
00:46:35,209 --> 00:46:38,044
'cause I grew up obsessed
with stand-up and sitcoms,
1005
00:46:38,045 --> 00:46:39,378
which means my whole life,
1006
00:46:39,379 --> 00:46:41,631
I saw one stereotype
of what marriage is.
1007
00:46:41,632 --> 00:46:43,007
I thought what marriage is,
1008
00:46:43,008 --> 00:46:45,218
is where a man lives
in a house with a woman
1009
00:46:45,219 --> 00:46:47,804
who never, ever, ever wants
to have sex with him again.
1010
00:46:47,805 --> 00:46:49,013
You know what I mean?
1011
00:46:49,014 --> 00:46:50,807
Like, all sitcoms,
they're always like,
1012
00:46:50,808 --> 00:46:54,852
Debra, why ain't we fucking?
You know what I mean? Like...
1013
00:46:54,853 --> 00:46:56,897
Thursdays on NBC...
1014
00:46:58,398 --> 00:47:01,567
Frigid Frida is back.
You know what I mean?
1015
00:47:01,568 --> 00:47:03,903
And I always thought,
I mean, I like sex.
1016
00:47:03,904 --> 00:47:06,072
That sounds awful.
Why would you do that?
1017
00:47:06,073 --> 00:47:08,074
But, recently,
I've been speaking
1018
00:47:08,075 --> 00:47:11,077
to lots of straight couples
in long-term relationships,
1019
00:47:11,078 --> 00:47:13,621
and I've been asking them
about their sex lives
1020
00:47:13,622 --> 00:47:16,624
because I am a pervert...
1021
00:47:16,625 --> 00:47:20,127
and I don't understand
the basics of small talk.
1022
00:47:20,128 --> 00:47:24,549
And what I have discovered
in the overwhelming majority
1023
00:47:24,550 --> 00:47:28,678
is that this stereotype
is the wrong way around.
1024
00:47:28,679 --> 00:47:31,389
Most of the men I speak to are
like, yeah, we have enough sex.
1025
00:47:31,390 --> 00:47:34,767
Most of the women think
they're not having enough sex.
1026
00:47:34,768 --> 00:47:38,272
And the reason it's gone
so deathly quiet...
1027
00:47:40,274 --> 00:47:42,441
Is because that is true.
1028
00:47:42,442 --> 00:47:44,360
[person cheers]
1029
00:47:44,361 --> 00:47:46,780
Holy fuck, that was tense.
1030
00:47:49,616 --> 00:47:51,284
So, if that is the case,
1031
00:47:51,285 --> 00:47:53,370
and oh, boy,
it definitely is...
1032
00:47:54,955 --> 00:47:56,789
Then why is it the case now?
1033
00:47:56,790 --> 00:47:58,291
Luckily, I have a theory.
1034
00:47:58,292 --> 00:48:00,918
Otherwise, this bit
would go nowhere.
1035
00:48:00,919 --> 00:48:03,838
I think it's because sex
is weird, right?
1036
00:48:03,839 --> 00:48:06,799
Sex is weird,
particularly how I do it.
1037
00:48:06,800 --> 00:48:09,135
Like...
1038
00:48:09,136 --> 00:48:11,513
Guys, the dog survived.
No, look--
1039
00:48:13,348 --> 00:48:14,473
Sex is weird.
1040
00:48:14,474 --> 00:48:16,475
Sex is weird,
particularly starting sex.
1041
00:48:16,476 --> 00:48:19,186
I find the beginning of sex
so stressful.
1042
00:48:19,187 --> 00:48:22,982
I feel the same way about sex
as I do about taking ecstasy.
1043
00:48:22,983 --> 00:48:24,859
Like, in the build-up,
I'm always nervous--
1044
00:48:24,860 --> 00:48:26,485
oh, God, I hope
it's all gonna be all right.
1045
00:48:26,486 --> 00:48:30,198
Once I'm doing it, I'm like,
why aren't I always doing this?
1046
00:48:31,909 --> 00:48:34,160
And it's because these
are two very different states
1047
00:48:34,161 --> 00:48:35,494
of being, right?
1048
00:48:35,495 --> 00:48:38,331
One is like being a human.
One is like being an animal.
1049
00:48:38,332 --> 00:48:40,333
It's quite a big hump
you have to get over
1050
00:48:40,334 --> 00:48:42,001
to get from one state
to the other.
1051
00:48:42,002 --> 00:48:43,336
And everyone has to do it.
1052
00:48:43,337 --> 00:48:45,922
Like, even, like, someone doing
a TED Talk, right?
1053
00:48:45,923 --> 00:48:47,506
Someone doing a TED Talk.
1054
00:48:47,507 --> 00:48:51,428
So they're like, oh, yes,
the universe or whatever.
1055
00:48:53,096 --> 00:48:56,349
That same person,
just a couple of hours later,
1056
00:48:56,350 --> 00:48:57,600
can be like this...
1057
00:48:57,601 --> 00:49:00,187
[grunting]
1058
00:49:04,191 --> 00:49:07,360
That's not how I do it,
just to be--
1059
00:49:07,361 --> 00:49:09,737
I'm trying to make a point.
1060
00:49:09,738 --> 00:49:11,155
This isn't exactly--
1061
00:49:11,156 --> 00:49:13,866
You know,
it's just an exaggeration.
1062
00:49:13,867 --> 00:49:15,910
Everyone has to do it.
Smart people--
1063
00:49:15,911 --> 00:49:18,871
Albert Einstein one day
was like, E equals MC-squared.
1064
00:49:18,872 --> 00:49:22,083
And then later, he was like...
[grunting]
1065
00:49:22,084 --> 00:49:25,211
Such a big hump to get
from one state to the other.
1066
00:49:25,212 --> 00:49:27,546
That's why I think
being sexually rejected
1067
00:49:27,547 --> 00:49:29,715
is the most humiliating thing,
1068
00:49:29,716 --> 00:49:31,550
'cause it's like,
you're on a date with someone,
1069
00:49:31,551 --> 00:49:33,386
and you misread the cues,
and you're like,
1070
00:49:33,387 --> 00:49:35,054
oh, time to become the animal.
1071
00:49:35,055 --> 00:49:37,390
So you put on paws
and a monkey mask,
1072
00:49:37,391 --> 00:49:38,808
and you try to get
over the hump.
1073
00:49:38,809 --> 00:49:40,559
And she's like, what do
you think you're doing?
1074
00:49:40,560 --> 00:49:42,561
And you're like, absolutely
nothing, nothing at all,
1075
00:49:42,562 --> 00:49:43,813
nothing at all.
1076
00:49:43,814 --> 00:49:46,148
I was enjoying all
the conversing--more, please.
1077
00:49:46,149 --> 00:49:48,443
It was like watching a play.
I loved it.
1078
00:49:50,237 --> 00:49:52,196
And that's why I think
1079
00:49:52,197 --> 00:49:54,365
in the beginning
of a relationship,
1080
00:49:54,366 --> 00:49:57,827
it's easy for a man
to initiate sex,
1081
00:49:57,828 --> 00:50:01,080
because she doesn't know you.
1082
00:50:01,081 --> 00:50:04,750
So you can tell yourself,
I'm a big, strong animal.
1083
00:50:04,751 --> 00:50:07,420
I'm a big, strong monkey
animal man.
1084
00:50:07,421 --> 00:50:10,715
And you can get over that hump
and initiate sex.
1085
00:50:10,716 --> 00:50:13,134
But once you've been
with someone
1086
00:50:13,135 --> 00:50:14,593
for, like...
1087
00:50:14,594 --> 00:50:17,805
three weeks...
1088
00:50:17,806 --> 00:50:20,433
every time you're gearing up
to get over that hump,
1089
00:50:20,434 --> 00:50:23,269
part of you is going, I'm
a big, strong monkey animal.
1090
00:50:23,270 --> 00:50:24,729
I'm a big, strong animal,
1091
00:50:24,730 --> 00:50:27,231
but she did see me cry
1092
00:50:27,232 --> 00:50:31,278
through the finale of
"The Great British Bake Off."
1093
00:50:33,697 --> 00:50:36,116
Those beautiful fucking scones.
1094
00:50:38,285 --> 00:50:40,036
So I've never been
married, right?
1095
00:50:40,037 --> 00:50:41,871
But I think I've done--
1096
00:50:41,872 --> 00:50:44,081
I've tried most of the kind
of relationships you can do.
1097
00:50:44,082 --> 00:50:46,250
I've done short-term,
medium-term,
1098
00:50:46,251 --> 00:50:49,462
long-term, lease.
1099
00:50:49,463 --> 00:50:50,963
The furthest I ever got is,
1100
00:50:50,964 --> 00:50:52,631
last year, I lived
with someone.
1101
00:50:52,632 --> 00:50:55,593
And living with someone
was a real game changer,
1102
00:50:55,594 --> 00:50:56,886
because previous to that,
1103
00:50:56,887 --> 00:50:58,637
I thought
what having a girlfriend was--
1104
00:50:58,638 --> 00:51:00,639
I thought that's
where you meet up with someone
1105
00:51:00,640 --> 00:51:03,392
three or four times a week,
and when you meet up with them,
1106
00:51:03,393 --> 00:51:07,021
you show them
the 4% of yourself
1107
00:51:07,022 --> 00:51:10,691
that is acceptable
for public consumption.
1108
00:51:10,692 --> 00:51:13,986
And when you feel the 96%
bubbling up, you say,
1109
00:51:13,987 --> 00:51:16,614
I've had a lovely time.
Let's catch up soon.
1110
00:51:16,615 --> 00:51:20,367
You rush home, you close
the door, and you regenerate.
1111
00:51:20,368 --> 00:51:21,994
She was in my house.
1112
00:51:21,995 --> 00:51:25,998
Day 2, the 96% was everywhere.
1113
00:51:25,999 --> 00:51:28,042
She thought
I was a fucking weirdo
1114
00:51:28,043 --> 00:51:30,378
'cause I cook everything
in a wok.
1115
00:51:32,756 --> 00:51:35,007
But, like, if it's good enough
for stir fry,
1116
00:51:35,008 --> 00:51:37,010
it's good enough for oatmeal.
1117
00:51:40,680 --> 00:51:42,765
And I have a system
for getting dressed
1118
00:51:42,766 --> 00:51:44,600
that used to drive her insane.
1119
00:51:44,601 --> 00:51:46,519
I'm gonna share this system
with you,
1120
00:51:46,520 --> 00:51:48,771
and it will change your lives.
1121
00:51:48,772 --> 00:51:50,314
This is how
I get dressed, right?
1122
00:51:50,315 --> 00:51:52,316
The end of the day, when
I'm finished with my clothes,
1123
00:51:52,317 --> 00:51:54,318
I take them off,
and I put them in the washer.
1124
00:51:54,319 --> 00:51:56,362
When the washing is full,
I turn it on.
1125
00:51:56,363 --> 00:51:59,198
I then move everything to
the dryer, and I turn that on.
1126
00:51:59,199 --> 00:52:00,699
And then when that's done,
1127
00:52:00,700 --> 00:52:04,703
I then get dressed
out of the dryer,
1128
00:52:04,704 --> 00:52:07,998
and the cycle continues.
1129
00:52:07,999 --> 00:52:11,544
What I am not doing
is wasting my life
1130
00:52:11,545 --> 00:52:15,673
on this middleman
we call drawers.
1131
00:52:15,674 --> 00:52:17,550
I'm not taking all the clothes.
1132
00:52:17,551 --> 00:52:20,553
Quick, we must hide
our other clothes.
1133
00:52:20,554 --> 00:52:22,263
People are coming to the house.
1134
00:52:22,264 --> 00:52:25,558
If they see we have
other clothes, they'll kill us.
1135
00:52:25,559 --> 00:52:27,726
They must never know
that we have more clothes
1136
00:52:27,727 --> 00:52:28,936
than what we're wearing.
1137
00:52:28,937 --> 00:52:32,022
Quick! Hide them properly.
Take them fully upstairs.
1138
00:52:32,023 --> 00:52:33,732
You must hide them
and fold them.
1139
00:52:33,733 --> 00:52:35,067
Put them in boxes.
1140
00:52:35,068 --> 00:52:37,361
They must never see
we have other clothes.
1141
00:52:37,362 --> 00:52:38,946
Oh, my God
do you know what I need?
1142
00:52:38,947 --> 00:52:40,531
Some of those other clothes.
1143
00:52:40,532 --> 00:52:42,658
I better go back up the stairs
and open the boxes
1144
00:52:42,659 --> 00:52:44,034
and unfold the thing.
1145
00:52:44,035 --> 00:52:47,246
The years and years
that I have saved.
1146
00:52:47,247 --> 00:52:49,748
Do you want to know
how I won two Emmys?
1147
00:52:49,749 --> 00:52:52,168
Because I had fucking time.
1148
00:52:52,169 --> 00:52:55,005
[cheers and applause]
1149
00:53:02,429 --> 00:53:04,264
So I'm single now.
1150
00:53:05,765 --> 00:53:08,184
No, I'm single by choice--
1151
00:53:08,185 --> 00:53:10,186
her choice.
1152
00:53:10,187 --> 00:53:11,896
No, it was actually mutual.
1153
00:53:11,897 --> 00:53:14,982
We came to the mutual agreement
that I was a prick
1154
00:53:14,983 --> 00:53:17,985
and she should marry
her ex, but...
1155
00:53:17,986 --> 00:53:20,947
[audience aws]
No, it's fine. She's dead.
1156
00:53:23,533 --> 00:53:26,493
That, you're delighted by?
1157
00:53:26,494 --> 00:53:29,080
This is a strange group
of people.
1158
00:53:35,879 --> 00:53:37,923
69!
1159
00:53:41,051 --> 00:53:42,635
69!
1160
00:53:42,636 --> 00:53:44,887
[scattered cheering]
1161
00:53:44,888 --> 00:53:46,430
69!
1162
00:53:46,431 --> 00:53:48,474
[loud cheering]
1163
00:53:48,475 --> 00:53:50,476
[laughing]
69.
1164
00:53:50,477 --> 00:53:52,228
It's another 45 minutes
of this.
1165
00:53:52,229 --> 00:53:55,272
69, the sex move.
1166
00:53:55,273 --> 00:53:58,234
69, the position.
1167
00:53:58,235 --> 00:54:01,237
Not for me. I hate it,
in case you're wondering.
1168
00:54:01,238 --> 00:54:03,656
Literally, no one asked.
I'm telling you anyway.
1169
00:54:03,657 --> 00:54:06,659
I hate a 69.
I hate a 69.
1170
00:54:06,660 --> 00:54:09,078
And I'll tell you for why.
1171
00:54:09,079 --> 00:54:13,959
I can't rub my belly and pat
my head at the same time.
1172
00:54:15,710 --> 00:54:19,046
[applause]
1173
00:54:19,047 --> 00:54:20,381
It's sex.
1174
00:54:20,382 --> 00:54:23,801
It's not
Cirque du fucking Soleil.
1175
00:54:23,802 --> 00:54:26,053
Like, yes,
it's important to share,
1176
00:54:26,054 --> 00:54:28,472
but you can take turns.
1177
00:54:28,473 --> 00:54:31,559
A 69 always ends in an 11...
1178
00:54:33,061 --> 00:54:35,479
Just two people lying
next to each other,
1179
00:54:35,480 --> 00:54:37,232
feeling smelly and ashamed.
1180
00:54:39,401 --> 00:54:43,070
I much prefer a 16...
1181
00:54:43,071 --> 00:54:46,574
which is bum sex
with a pregnant lady.
1182
00:54:50,745 --> 00:54:52,998
I don't know if that's
making the edit.
1183
00:54:56,376 --> 00:54:58,711
[chuckles]
Fucking hell.
1184
00:54:58,712 --> 00:55:02,965
All right, we should probably
start wrapping up fairly soon.
1185
00:55:02,966 --> 00:55:05,134
So, look, the last thing
I want to tell you about--
1186
00:55:05,135 --> 00:55:07,344
I talked about love
and relationships.
1187
00:55:07,345 --> 00:55:08,721
One thing I haven't told you
1188
00:55:08,722 --> 00:55:11,557
is I once truly,
genuinely experienced
1189
00:55:11,558 --> 00:55:13,017
love at first sight.
1190
00:55:13,018 --> 00:55:15,311
I went to this party.
This woman turned around.
1191
00:55:15,312 --> 00:55:18,564
Our eyes locked, and I was
like, shit, fuck, I'm in love.
1192
00:55:18,565 --> 00:55:22,109
Like, that's a real thing--
love at first sight, right?
1193
00:55:22,110 --> 00:55:24,278
[scoffs]
1194
00:55:24,279 --> 00:55:26,280
If you're in a couple
not nodding at that,
1195
00:55:26,281 --> 00:55:29,074
that is a long drive home.
1196
00:55:29,075 --> 00:55:30,409
Did you hear what he said?
1197
00:55:30,410 --> 00:55:32,286
Yeah, I heard.
1198
00:55:32,287 --> 00:55:35,248
He can't do impressions,
and I think he fucked a dog.
1199
00:55:38,209 --> 00:55:39,918
Honestly, I met this woman.
Our eyes locked.
1200
00:55:39,919 --> 00:55:41,754
It's embarrassing
what happened in my head.
1201
00:55:41,755 --> 00:55:43,922
When I saw this woman,
the first thought I had was,
1202
00:55:43,923 --> 00:55:45,424
oh, nothing matters.
1203
00:55:45,425 --> 00:55:49,178
We can just live in fields
and eat berries.
1204
00:55:49,179 --> 00:55:50,929
And me and this woman
got together.
1205
00:55:50,930 --> 00:55:54,099
And now, this woman, she's
half Irish and half Chinese,
1206
00:55:54,100 --> 00:55:56,101
which means
she's incredibly beautiful
1207
00:55:56,102 --> 00:55:59,772
and I am never allowed
to do an impression of her.
1208
00:55:59,773 --> 00:56:01,940
Where are all my "Chirish" at?
1209
00:56:01,941 --> 00:56:03,443
Anyway...
1210
00:56:06,946 --> 00:56:09,198
So we got together,
and we were in love.
1211
00:56:09,199 --> 00:56:11,075
I think this is love.
Is this love?
1212
00:56:11,076 --> 00:56:13,952
Is love when you text each
other back and forth all day--
1213
00:56:13,953 --> 00:56:15,913
text, text, text, text,
text, text, text, text, text,
1214
00:56:15,914 --> 00:56:17,456
text, text, text, text, text--
1215
00:56:17,457 --> 00:56:19,124
and then if, at some point,
she doesn't immediately reply
1216
00:56:19,125 --> 00:56:20,626
to one of your texts,
1217
00:56:20,627 --> 00:56:23,170
you're like, right,
she's having an affair?
1218
00:56:23,171 --> 00:56:26,173
Right, she's not texted back.
She has a dick in her. Okay.
1219
00:56:26,174 --> 00:56:27,966
And it's a bigger
dick than mine.
1220
00:56:27,967 --> 00:56:29,843
She's finally satisfied.
Okay.
1221
00:56:29,844 --> 00:56:32,179
Oh, another dick must have
joined, so her hands are full.
1222
00:56:32,180 --> 00:56:33,972
She can't send a text.
Okay.
1223
00:56:33,973 --> 00:56:35,599
Oh, another dick
must have joined,
1224
00:56:35,600 --> 00:56:37,017
and now it's in her mouth.
1225
00:56:37,018 --> 00:56:38,977
Otherwise, she'd tell Siri
to drop me a line.
1226
00:56:38,978 --> 00:56:40,813
I knew this would happen.
I'm a fucking idiot.
1227
00:56:40,814 --> 00:56:43,023
And then 25 minutes later,
she texts back, sorry, baby.
1228
00:56:43,024 --> 00:56:44,817
I was at the gym.
Miss you.
1229
00:56:44,818 --> 00:56:47,112
And you're like,
all right, a bit needy.
1230
00:56:49,114 --> 00:56:50,656
Is that love?
1231
00:56:50,657 --> 00:56:52,825
And there's a real madness
to this kind of love.
1232
00:56:52,826 --> 00:56:55,160
Like, I look back at the texts
we were sending each other.
1233
00:56:55,161 --> 00:56:57,996
I'm like, are these love notes
or death threats?
1234
00:56:57,997 --> 00:57:00,249
Like, the insane things
you say to each other,
1235
00:57:00,250 --> 00:57:02,000
like, I can't wait
to be back with you.
1236
00:57:02,001 --> 00:57:03,252
I can't wait to be kissing you.
1237
00:57:03,253 --> 00:57:05,003
I can't wait to
be on top of you.
1238
00:57:05,004 --> 00:57:08,257
I can't wait to cut off your
skin and wear you as a Slanket.
1239
00:57:08,258 --> 00:57:10,134
And you sort of lose
all reason.
1240
00:57:10,135 --> 00:57:11,760
You kind of lie
in bed together.
1241
00:57:11,761 --> 00:57:14,179
Like, we actually don't have
to go to work today, do we?
1242
00:57:14,180 --> 00:57:16,014
We don't have to go to work.
We're in love.
1243
00:57:16,015 --> 00:57:17,683
As if your boss is
in the office going,
1244
00:57:17,684 --> 00:57:19,017
where's Brett today?
1245
00:57:19,018 --> 00:57:20,853
Oh, he can't come in, sir.
He's in love.
1246
00:57:20,854 --> 00:57:23,313
[gasps] We must give him
paid time off.
1247
00:57:23,314 --> 00:57:25,065
And you become
really sort of dirty.
1248
00:57:25,066 --> 00:57:27,151
You just sort of lie there,
like, don't leave the bed.
1249
00:57:27,152 --> 00:57:28,402
Don't go have a shower.
1250
00:57:28,403 --> 00:57:31,739
We can just lie here passing
back and forth the same UTI.
1251
00:57:33,908 --> 00:57:36,161
Cranberry juice, my angel?
1252
00:57:40,206 --> 00:57:43,584
Now, it may not shock you
to discover
1253
00:57:43,585 --> 00:57:46,587
that that relationship ended.
1254
00:57:46,588 --> 00:57:49,882
And when it ended,
I spoke to my sister.
1255
00:57:49,883 --> 00:57:52,468
Now, my sister
is the opposite of me.
1256
00:57:52,469 --> 00:57:55,345
My sister, she's married.
She's got children.
1257
00:57:55,346 --> 00:57:56,973
She's happy.
1258
00:57:58,725 --> 00:58:02,478
And I said to her--I said,
was I wrong about this?
1259
00:58:02,479 --> 00:58:04,313
And she said,
Brett, you're wrong
1260
00:58:04,314 --> 00:58:05,981
about literally everything.
1261
00:58:05,982 --> 00:58:07,900
And I said, no,
was I wrong about love?
1262
00:58:07,901 --> 00:58:10,068
And she said, yeah, of course
you were wrong about love.
1263
00:58:10,069 --> 00:58:12,696
She said, love is--
1264
00:58:12,697 --> 00:58:17,576
she said, when you find
your soulmate,
1265
00:58:17,577 --> 00:58:22,207
you will feel completely
at peace.
1266
00:58:23,750 --> 00:58:26,877
And I was like, oh.
1267
00:58:26,878 --> 00:58:29,922
Then that definitely
wasn't love.
1268
00:58:29,923 --> 00:58:33,258
That was a fucking nightmare.
I don't think I slept.
1269
00:58:33,259 --> 00:58:34,927
And I've thought about it a lot
1270
00:58:34,928 --> 00:58:38,138
because I suspect
that she's probably right.
1271
00:58:38,139 --> 00:58:41,308
But if my sister's right,
1272
00:58:41,309 --> 00:58:44,937
that means that all
your favorite love songs,
1273
00:58:44,938 --> 00:58:47,272
none of them
are actually about love.
1274
00:58:47,273 --> 00:58:50,317
These are all just songs
about addiction.
1275
00:58:50,318 --> 00:58:53,445
They're all just
Cookie Monster songs.
1276
00:58:53,446 --> 00:58:54,738
You know what I mean?
1277
00:58:54,739 --> 00:58:56,365
You know the types of songs,
where it's like,
1278
00:58:56,366 --> 00:58:57,741
our love is a roller coaster.
1279
00:58:57,742 --> 00:58:59,743
The house is on fire.
Let's cut our dicks off.
1280
00:58:59,744 --> 00:59:02,246
You know what I mean?
1281
00:59:02,247 --> 00:59:04,540
Because if my sister is right,
1282
00:59:04,541 --> 00:59:08,461
then all love songs
should go like this.
1283
00:59:21,057 --> 00:59:24,768
♪ I feel so comfortable ♪
1284
00:59:24,769 --> 00:59:28,981
♪ Sitting on a couch with you ♪
1285
00:59:28,982 --> 00:59:33,193
♪ Watching a box set
for an hour ♪
1286
00:59:33,194 --> 00:59:36,822
♪ Maybe watch
another one, too ♪
1287
00:59:36,823 --> 00:59:41,201
♪ If you have to work late
at the office ♪
1288
00:59:41,202 --> 00:59:44,037
♪ I won't criticize ♪
1289
00:59:44,038 --> 00:59:48,166
♪ 'Cause I trust you,
and I know you love me ♪
1290
00:59:48,167 --> 00:59:52,379
♪ And for you, my penis
is the right size ♪
1291
00:59:52,380 --> 00:59:59,469
♪ For you,
my penis is the right size ♪
1292
00:59:59,470 --> 01:00:03,181
[cheers and applause]
1293
01:00:03,182 --> 01:00:05,183
Thank you very much,
New Jersey!
1294
01:00:05,184 --> 01:00:07,477
Good night!
1295
01:00:07,478 --> 01:00:10,565
[cheers and applause]
1296
01:00:14,068 --> 01:00:15,694
- Brett, great show.
1297
01:00:15,695 --> 01:00:17,029
- Thanks, Mo.
1298
01:00:17,030 --> 01:00:19,698
Hey, do you know
if the red squirrel came?
1299
01:00:19,699 --> 01:00:21,450
- [sighs]
No.
1300
01:00:21,451 --> 01:00:23,201
The Red Squirrel didn't come.
1301
01:00:23,202 --> 01:00:25,329
- What about Big Bear?
- No.
1302
01:00:25,330 --> 01:00:27,122
- Crazy Orange Bird?
- Mm-mm.
1303
01:00:27,123 --> 01:00:28,665
- Hot Dogs?
1304
01:00:28,666 --> 01:00:30,375
- No, Brett.
1305
01:00:30,376 --> 01:00:32,169
- Okay.
1306
01:00:32,170 --> 01:00:34,713
Well, at least Buddy G
was there.
1307
01:00:34,714 --> 01:00:36,214
- Brett, we've been over this.
1308
01:00:36,215 --> 01:00:38,926
These friends of yours--
they're not real.
1309
01:00:41,888 --> 01:00:43,889
- Okay.
1310
01:00:43,890 --> 01:00:45,766
- I'll see you at the diner.
1311
01:00:45,767 --> 01:00:47,184
- Yeah.
1312
01:00:47,185 --> 01:00:49,269
Cool.
1313
01:00:49,270 --> 01:00:52,189
- Great show, Brett!
You were fantastic.
1314
01:00:52,190 --> 01:00:54,066
- You were just wonderful.
- Wow.
1315
01:00:54,067 --> 01:00:55,901
- Okay, good!
- So many bad words!
1316
01:00:55,902 --> 01:00:56,902
Loved it!
1317
01:00:56,903 --> 01:00:58,570
- Yeah, we're going
to the diner to celebrate.
1318
01:00:58,571 --> 01:00:59,738
Come on.
1319
01:00:59,739 --> 01:01:01,239
- You're very bad
at impressions.
1320
01:01:01,240 --> 01:01:03,659
- Oi! Don't be rude.
Clear off. Be nice.
1321
01:01:03,660 --> 01:01:05,202
We'll meet you at the diner.
1322
01:01:05,203 --> 01:01:06,870
- Yeah, you try
following your dreams.
1323
01:01:06,871 --> 01:01:09,039
- Hey.
You did good.
1324
01:01:09,040 --> 01:01:11,249
- Thanks, Buddy G.
1325
01:01:11,250 --> 01:01:12,834
I didn't think you'd come.
1326
01:01:12,835 --> 01:01:14,086
- Are you kidding me?
1327
01:01:14,087 --> 01:01:16,088
I wouldn't miss this
for the world.
1328
01:01:16,089 --> 01:01:18,006
Come on, let's go get
something to eat.
1329
01:01:18,007 --> 01:01:19,841
Come on.
- Okay.
1330
01:01:19,842 --> 01:01:22,844
[gentle music]
1331
01:01:22,845 --> 01:01:25,764
♪ ♪
1332
01:01:25,765 --> 01:01:27,265
Come on, Buddy.
1333
01:01:27,266 --> 01:01:31,979
♪ ♪
1334
01:02:17,525 --> 01:02:20,570
[bright tone]