1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:11,762 --> 00:00:13,305 Mom? 4 00:00:13,389 --> 00:00:14,724 Yeah? 5 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:16,851 I'm just looking for this... 6 00:00:17,143 --> 00:00:18,602 Oh, yeah. 7 00:00:18,686 --> 00:00:20,229 ...notebook with the brown cover. 8 00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:21,772 His notebook with the brown cover on it, 9 00:00:22,064 --> 00:00:23,524 we seem to not be able to find it. 10 00:00:23,816 --> 00:00:25,860 It's in that basket. It's cardboard. 11 00:00:26,152 --> 00:00:27,194 It's not a brown cover. 12 00:00:27,737 --> 00:00:30,823 - Find it. - Okay, can you find it? 13 00:00:30,906 --> 00:00:31,949 Yeah. 14 00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:34,785 Let's see. 15 00:00:34,869 --> 00:00:37,246 As experts and psychologists, 16 00:00:37,329 --> 00:00:40,541 we have long known that becoming a mother 17 00:00:40,833 --> 00:00:44,086 is a catalyst for radical change. 18 00:00:44,170 --> 00:00:46,213 So, ready and action. 19 00:00:46,297 --> 00:00:47,381 One, two. 20 00:00:48,174 --> 00:00:49,467 Kimmy Fasani up next, 21 00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,969 a household name in snowboarding. 22 00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:53,554 She's got an unbelievable story. 23 00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:55,848 Motherhood is a confrontation 24 00:00:56,140 --> 00:00:57,516 with both life and death. 25 00:00:58,309 --> 00:01:01,437 It's one of the few experiences where you understand 26 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:03,814 what it takes to bring life into this world, 27 00:01:03,898 --> 00:01:06,150 and also the preciousness of that life. 28 00:01:08,235 --> 00:01:09,653 And you might even encounter 29 00:01:10,237 --> 00:01:12,406 a death-defying experience along the way. 30 00:01:13,365 --> 00:01:15,326 But the culture and the science 31 00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:17,620 has remained silent on this for so long. 32 00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:19,872 It's the biggest story never told. 33 00:01:35,304 --> 00:01:38,933 These ideas really started in the identity development 34 00:01:39,225 --> 00:01:41,185 theories of our foremothers, 35 00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:43,896 many of whom were actually psychologists and theorists 36 00:01:44,188 --> 00:01:46,982 who became mothers and then finally used the tools 37 00:01:47,066 --> 00:01:50,903 of their own science to explain what was going on for them. 38 00:01:51,195 --> 00:01:54,490 And they talked about this idea of an identity change, 39 00:01:54,573 --> 00:01:55,741 a "me" change. 40 00:01:56,408 --> 00:01:58,369 That doesn't happen overnight. 41 00:02:26,605 --> 00:02:28,899 Typical me, I already have an email drafted, 42 00:02:28,983 --> 00:02:30,442 and it's basically fill-in-the-blanks, 43 00:02:30,526 --> 00:02:32,319 like a Mad Lib, you know? 44 00:02:32,403 --> 00:02:35,781 All Chris had to do was put in the name and what happened. 45 00:02:36,615 --> 00:02:38,158 The doctor yesterday warned me, 46 00:02:38,409 --> 00:02:40,202 she's like, "You know, you might have a higher than normal 47 00:02:40,286 --> 00:02:42,663 pain tolerance because of everything you've been through." 48 00:02:43,330 --> 00:02:45,249 - So, like-- - Definitely. 49 00:02:45,541 --> 00:02:47,543 So, like, don't wait too long. 50 00:02:55,593 --> 00:02:57,928 When I became pregnant, I was at the highest peak 51 00:02:58,012 --> 00:02:59,889 I'd ever got to in snowboarding, 52 00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:03,601 a passion that I had developed a career from. 53 00:03:05,102 --> 00:03:06,604 It says, "Get ready. It's time to get 54 00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:08,564 your hospital bag and documents ready. 55 00:03:08,647 --> 00:03:10,691 It'd be the perfect time to go to the hospital." 56 00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:15,321 What I had seen happen to women before me 57 00:03:15,404 --> 00:03:17,948 was that as soon as they chose to become moms, 58 00:03:18,032 --> 00:03:20,492 they all of a sudden were no longer... 59 00:03:21,493 --> 00:03:23,370 a professional snowboarder anymore. 60 00:03:24,914 --> 00:03:26,165 I think it's a boy. 61 00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:29,501 But I knew I wanted to start a family, 62 00:03:29,793 --> 00:03:32,296 and I had no intention of slowing down. 63 00:03:42,181 --> 00:03:44,141 This is June 7th, 1988. 64 00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:47,895 It's supposed to be summer. It is summer. 65 00:03:48,646 --> 00:03:52,274 But summer in the mountains sometimes has lots of snow. 66 00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:56,195 Kimmy's trying to get the trampoline all uncovered. 67 00:03:56,487 --> 00:03:57,529 Smart girl. 68 00:03:59,281 --> 00:04:02,326 My mom had the strongest work ethic I know. 69 00:04:06,455 --> 00:04:09,416 She was a single mom, and she was an OR nurse. 70 00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:11,168 She worked full-time. 71 00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:15,339 I had to dig Kimmy's snow clothes out of the back room. 72 00:04:16,674 --> 00:04:18,175 Rough year for gardening. 73 00:04:19,051 --> 00:04:21,553 We lived in a cabin at the highest place 74 00:04:21,845 --> 00:04:22,930 you could live in Truckee. 75 00:04:24,223 --> 00:04:26,475 We were always inundated by snow. 76 00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:28,978 If the school bus got stuck, 77 00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:32,147 she would walk outside with her can of ashes 78 00:04:32,231 --> 00:04:35,150 from our fireplace and put it under the school bus tires. 79 00:04:35,985 --> 00:04:39,780 She had this ability to do anything. 80 00:04:40,406 --> 00:04:42,866 There's our wood in the yard for the winter. 81 00:04:45,119 --> 00:04:47,037 We can still see the neighbors. 82 00:04:47,746 --> 00:04:50,833 My mom had me when she was 39 years old, 83 00:04:50,916 --> 00:04:53,627 and that was about 40 years ago. 84 00:04:54,545 --> 00:04:58,090 She was never married to my dad, who struggled with alcoholism. 85 00:04:59,174 --> 00:05:01,176 He was a loving man, 86 00:05:02,136 --> 00:05:05,305 and yet he had a toxic lifestyle. 87 00:05:08,183 --> 00:05:10,310 My mom was doing everything on her own, 88 00:05:11,395 --> 00:05:14,481 and so she raised me to be very independent. 89 00:05:15,691 --> 00:05:16,734 Pump! 90 00:05:19,111 --> 00:05:21,238 She had a meditation practice, 91 00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,699 which I didn't really understand, 92 00:05:24,408 --> 00:05:27,036 but I knew to be still with her. 93 00:05:27,119 --> 00:05:28,662 Merry Christmas. 94 00:05:28,954 --> 00:05:30,914 - We're cooking breakfast. - Merry Christmas! 95 00:05:31,206 --> 00:05:34,960 I wasn't just her daughter, I was her partner. 96 00:05:36,378 --> 00:05:39,548 We were each other's soulmates. 97 00:05:47,139 --> 00:05:49,683 And she was kind of a ski bum at heart, 98 00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:54,313 so when I asked her if I could learn how to snowboard, 99 00:05:54,396 --> 00:05:56,899 she decided to let me have a try. 100 00:05:56,982 --> 00:05:58,317 Well, here comes Kimmy. 101 00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:00,944 She's just learning to use this board. 102 00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,530 I'll never forget that feeling, 103 00:06:03,822 --> 00:06:06,950 stepping onto that snowboard, trying something new 104 00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:08,786 that not even my mom knew how to do. 105 00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:17,002 Snowboarding was the first time I realized my own desire. 106 00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:23,175 There was something there that I needed. 107 00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:35,187 When I had just graduated eighth grade, 108 00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:38,023 my dad got diagnosed with cancer. 109 00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:43,445 And within just a few months, he was gone. 110 00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:51,328 Snowboarding broke me away from that pain of loss. 111 00:06:51,829 --> 00:06:52,830 Come on, baby. 112 00:06:53,122 --> 00:06:54,498 All right! Whoo! 113 00:06:54,790 --> 00:06:58,210 And here comes Kimmy Fasani! 114 00:06:58,502 --> 00:07:01,839 This girl rips! 115 00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:03,590 It just made me happy. 116 00:07:03,841 --> 00:07:05,342 So, Kimmy, what's the, uh, game plan for today? 117 00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,719 Game plan? I have a lot of homework, 118 00:07:07,803 --> 00:07:09,429 but probably not gonna do it. 119 00:07:10,139 --> 00:07:11,807 Yeah, Kimmy! 120 00:07:11,890 --> 00:07:13,600 I moved to Mammoth. 121 00:07:13,892 --> 00:07:15,561 All the pros lived here. 122 00:07:15,644 --> 00:07:17,646 I wanted to pursue professional snowboarding. 123 00:07:18,730 --> 00:07:20,440 Now hold it up. 124 00:07:20,524 --> 00:07:21,942 And I got sponsors, 125 00:07:22,025 --> 00:07:24,111 and I started traveling and filming. 126 00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:25,612 Kimmy at the lift in three... 127 00:07:25,696 --> 00:07:27,698 It was a dream job. 128 00:07:29,908 --> 00:07:32,077 ♪ Time I feed my selfish soul ♪ 129 00:07:36,874 --> 00:07:37,833 Whoo! 130 00:07:39,084 --> 00:07:41,044 - Hell yeah! - Hi, honey, it's just me. 131 00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:43,213 I was just reading about you last night. 132 00:07:43,297 --> 00:07:44,882 You are absolutely amazing. 133 00:07:46,425 --> 00:07:48,135 The whole lifestyle of snowboarding 134 00:07:48,218 --> 00:07:49,678 is what makes it so addicting. 135 00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:51,638 You're living your passion, you're outdoors, 136 00:07:51,722 --> 00:07:53,098 you're riding with your friends. 137 00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:54,725 Doesn't get better than that. 138 00:07:55,851 --> 00:07:57,394 Arrr! Arrr! 139 00:07:57,477 --> 00:08:00,230 We decided to host a pirate theme party 140 00:08:00,314 --> 00:08:02,524 for an opening of a new snowboard movie. 141 00:08:05,277 --> 00:08:06,862 Hello, mate. 142 00:08:06,945 --> 00:08:08,280 I was a skier. 143 00:08:08,572 --> 00:08:09,948 My brother was a snowboarder. 144 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:13,076 And we worked at the ice cream parlor in town. 145 00:08:13,368 --> 00:08:14,953 It was the perfect job. 146 00:08:15,037 --> 00:08:17,748 Opened at three o'clock, and you could shred all day. 147 00:08:18,373 --> 00:08:20,542 Kimmy came in and she's like, "Are you Peter's brother?" 148 00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:22,336 And I said, "Yeah." 149 00:08:22,419 --> 00:08:26,048 And she said, "I heard you lost your father. 150 00:08:26,131 --> 00:08:28,258 I lost my father. If you ever wanna talk..." 151 00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:30,844 My dad died of cancer as well. 152 00:08:31,595 --> 00:08:34,765 Kimmy was the first person I had opened up with. 153 00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:37,976 We connected on a deep level pretty immediately. 154 00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:40,771 Hey! I love you. 155 00:08:41,063 --> 00:08:42,689 - You love me? - Yeah, Kim. 156 00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:47,152 Chris and I fell in love the first time we met. 157 00:08:47,236 --> 00:08:51,198 She opened my eyes to the depth of a human. 158 00:08:51,823 --> 00:08:55,202 Her mom was very reluctant of me. 159 00:08:55,494 --> 00:08:58,247 I was underage. Kimmy was 19. 160 00:08:58,330 --> 00:09:00,916 She's like, "Are you kidding me? Have you asked his mom?" 161 00:09:02,125 --> 00:09:04,628 We were both on this journey to be the best 162 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:06,296 that we could be in our sport. 163 00:09:06,964 --> 00:09:10,342 She's always been so driven and so powerful. 164 00:09:10,425 --> 00:09:11,677 Yeah, Kimmy! 165 00:09:11,969 --> 00:09:14,054 I earned a spot in Alaska, 166 00:09:14,346 --> 00:09:17,057 the biggest playground that you can snowboard in. 167 00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:20,185 And I just felt like I had come home to myself. 168 00:09:21,186 --> 00:09:23,480 I started bringing my art into my skiing. 169 00:09:24,523 --> 00:09:26,233 We were both hitting our peak. 170 00:09:26,525 --> 00:09:28,819 They did these double backflips together, which is amazing. 171 00:09:29,111 --> 00:09:32,698 ♪ I don't want no struggles, I don't want no fears ♪ 172 00:09:32,781 --> 00:09:34,658 ♪ I don't want no struggles, I don't want no fears ♪ 173 00:09:34,950 --> 00:09:36,743 ♪ I don't want no struggles, I don't want no... ♪ 174 00:09:36,827 --> 00:09:38,954 Kimmy, you just landed a double backflip. 175 00:09:39,037 --> 00:09:40,622 That's so sick! 176 00:09:40,706 --> 00:09:41,790 Look at the video out of Mammoth, 177 00:09:41,873 --> 00:09:44,209 just right on the edge. 178 00:09:44,293 --> 00:09:45,711 ♪ Time I embrace my self and soul ♪ 179 00:09:45,794 --> 00:09:47,546 ♪ Time I feed my selfish soul ♪ 180 00:09:47,838 --> 00:09:48,880 Whoo-hoo-hoo! 181 00:09:49,172 --> 00:09:50,340 Look how far we've come! 182 00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:53,176 There was always a new limit to push. 183 00:09:54,011 --> 00:09:57,431 We were never content. 184 00:09:57,514 --> 00:10:00,142 Kimmy and I were just ships passing in the night. 185 00:10:00,225 --> 00:10:02,602 "I'll meet you at this airport for a kiss." 186 00:10:03,020 --> 00:10:04,604 We were free. 187 00:10:08,817 --> 00:10:11,069 And your Women's Rider of the Year is... 188 00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:15,157 Kimmy Fasani! 189 00:10:19,161 --> 00:10:21,038 I want to dedicate this award to my mom. 190 00:10:21,330 --> 00:10:22,956 She couldn't be here tonight. 191 00:10:23,248 --> 00:10:24,374 I love her so much. 192 00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:25,876 She introduced me to the mountains. 193 00:10:26,168 --> 00:10:27,878 And I would have never found snowboarding 194 00:10:28,170 --> 00:10:29,379 if it wasn't for her support. 195 00:10:29,463 --> 00:10:31,298 So, thank you, Judy! 196 00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:36,219 And yet there was so much contradiction 197 00:10:36,511 --> 00:10:38,055 at that point in my life. 198 00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:41,391 Because a month before that award, 199 00:10:41,475 --> 00:10:43,977 my mom was diagnosed with a really aggressive cancer. 200 00:10:49,232 --> 00:10:50,192 Pure joy... 201 00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:53,028 is pure observation. 202 00:10:57,115 --> 00:11:00,744 She always asked me if I was happy. 203 00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:04,664 And as long as I said yes, she never revisited it. 204 00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:09,378 But I knew that she wanted to watch me become a mom. 205 00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:19,054 Pure joy... is total acceptance. 206 00:11:19,846 --> 00:11:20,931 I wanted that too. 207 00:11:22,224 --> 00:11:23,809 But there was never a good time. 208 00:11:26,812 --> 00:11:29,606 And it wasn't until she got sick 209 00:11:31,274 --> 00:11:32,776 that I realized... 210 00:11:34,861 --> 00:11:37,781 I'm gonna walk this path of being a mom without her. 211 00:11:49,876 --> 00:11:51,837 You gave your mom a hard time today. 212 00:11:52,129 --> 00:11:53,130 Yeah. 213 00:11:53,922 --> 00:11:56,383 Are you always gonna give me a hard time? 214 00:11:56,466 --> 00:11:58,885 - Hi. - I got my wish. 215 00:12:00,804 --> 00:12:02,597 I'm so happy to finally meet you. 216 00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:05,058 Ten months later. 217 00:12:06,852 --> 00:12:07,894 Hi. 218 00:12:09,271 --> 00:12:10,522 I see you. 219 00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:46,224 What's wrong? 220 00:12:55,734 --> 00:12:57,527 I was so full of love, 221 00:12:57,819 --> 00:13:00,655 and I had a beautiful birth plan. 222 00:13:01,406 --> 00:13:02,866 But when I went in for my C-section, 223 00:13:03,158 --> 00:13:05,202 I remember being scared, 224 00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:08,121 and for the first time in a long time, 225 00:13:08,413 --> 00:13:09,956 felt completely out of control. 226 00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:20,258 The doctor just gave me the okay 227 00:13:20,550 --> 00:13:23,553 to resume my normal activity level. 228 00:13:23,845 --> 00:13:26,640 Back out in the mountains in Mammoth. 229 00:13:26,723 --> 00:13:28,183 Feels so good to move again. 230 00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,895 We wanted to be those people. 231 00:13:33,396 --> 00:13:35,565 Our child didn't slow us down. 232 00:13:37,609 --> 00:13:39,611 No matter how exhausted we were, 233 00:13:39,694 --> 00:13:43,031 we just wanted to keep our life the same. 234 00:13:48,078 --> 00:13:49,329 You still awake back there? 235 00:13:50,038 --> 00:13:51,998 We're just out wandering in the woods. 236 00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:54,501 Koa, you're almost ten months old. 237 00:13:54,793 --> 00:13:55,752 Dang. 238 00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:59,631 Entering into 2019 winter. 239 00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:05,136 Getting this dude ready for the cold weather in Japan. 240 00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:10,475 There are complications of being a professional athlete. 241 00:14:10,559 --> 00:14:12,519 Contracts are annual. 242 00:14:12,602 --> 00:14:14,729 There's injury clauses in them. 243 00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:17,524 You are on your own, you're self-employed. 244 00:14:17,607 --> 00:14:19,609 It is up to you to perform... 245 00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:23,029 and not fuck it up. 246 00:14:25,156 --> 00:14:27,742 Is this possible with a child? 247 00:14:29,286 --> 00:14:31,621 All of my contracts were up when I was pregnant. 248 00:14:32,497 --> 00:14:35,667 And there was no protection for pregnancy. 249 00:14:38,253 --> 00:14:40,171 You were able to be terminated. 250 00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:44,509 Kimmy and I have become friends 251 00:14:44,593 --> 00:14:48,888 over the years, and I got this kind of formal text from her. 252 00:14:48,972 --> 00:14:54,102 I remember calling her, and she couldn't quite spit it out. 253 00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:58,231 All of a sudden I was like, "Oh my God, Kimmy, you're pregnant." 254 00:14:59,316 --> 00:15:01,318 There was no policy. 255 00:15:02,110 --> 00:15:04,321 But I said, "Kimmy, let's pioneer this. 256 00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:05,947 Let's see what this looks like." 257 00:15:07,282 --> 00:15:08,617 I was gonna do it differently. 258 00:15:10,994 --> 00:15:15,081 I thought that women can do it all. 259 00:15:16,958 --> 00:15:18,168 Do you still think that? 260 00:15:34,142 --> 00:15:35,185 Hello. 261 00:15:41,399 --> 00:15:43,526 There's a missing nomenclature 262 00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:46,071 for the transition to motherhood. 263 00:15:46,154 --> 00:15:49,282 Media, unfortunately, has sort of flattened it. 264 00:15:49,366 --> 00:15:52,452 But this is about being invited into our depth. 265 00:16:01,419 --> 00:16:05,131 Adolescence gets a name, gets a label. 266 00:16:05,215 --> 00:16:08,009 When we hear the word, we automatically think 267 00:16:08,093 --> 00:16:11,262 of just how complicated and difficult it is 268 00:16:11,346 --> 00:16:14,099 to move through that period in a young person's life. 269 00:16:14,766 --> 00:16:19,270 For mothers, we expect that they'd have a baby, 270 00:16:19,354 --> 00:16:20,939 spend time with the baby, 271 00:16:21,231 --> 00:16:25,235 and then go back to the same thing. 272 00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:27,529 Here's your six-week checkup, and, on your own. 273 00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:30,615 You grew a human. 274 00:16:31,408 --> 00:16:35,537 We forget the magnificence of that, the grandeur of that. 275 00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:37,664 We're not the same. 276 00:16:48,299 --> 00:16:52,846 Matrescence is the developmental process of becoming a mother. 277 00:16:53,138 --> 00:16:56,808 It's going to affect and change many, many areas of your life 278 00:16:57,100 --> 00:17:01,229 that make you human, biologically, neurologically, 279 00:17:01,312 --> 00:17:05,066 relationally, socially, existentially. 280 00:17:05,150 --> 00:17:07,610 You go through something akin to puberty. 281 00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:10,447 It's a very disorienting time. 282 00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:19,414 I was really excited to get back out into the mountains. 283 00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:23,752 I had a nanny that could travel with me. 284 00:17:23,835 --> 00:17:26,004 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 285 00:17:26,296 --> 00:17:28,298 The resort closes, I think, at 3:45, 286 00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:30,592 so I shouldn't be more than 4:00. 287 00:17:30,675 --> 00:17:35,054 But I think I painted it to be a lot more simple than it was. 288 00:17:35,513 --> 00:17:37,098 Okay, should we have them lock the house? 289 00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:39,434 Koa and Bridgette are here. 290 00:17:39,517 --> 00:17:40,560 Oh, sorry. Yeah. 291 00:17:41,853 --> 00:17:42,896 Come on, brain. 292 00:17:43,688 --> 00:17:47,859 In the boot room, I stupidly left my pump. 293 00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:50,904 Stupid. 294 00:17:51,196 --> 00:17:52,781 There are all these different aspects 295 00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,908 of it that contribute to the storm. 296 00:17:57,911 --> 00:18:00,580 Your brain is being bathed in a lot of hormones. 297 00:18:03,291 --> 00:18:06,377 It's starting to bring tremendous neuroplasticity. 298 00:18:06,461 --> 00:18:07,837 Your mind is changing. 299 00:18:09,339 --> 00:18:11,007 There's a million things going on 300 00:18:11,299 --> 00:18:13,051 in your mind all the time. 301 00:18:13,343 --> 00:18:17,680 You're thrust into an extended period of sleep deprivation. 302 00:18:18,556 --> 00:18:22,060 And so it absolutely contributes to this concept 303 00:18:22,352 --> 00:18:25,605 that in some ways we kind of joke about mom brain, 304 00:18:25,688 --> 00:18:28,608 but what's really going on are all of these enormous shifts. 305 00:18:29,526 --> 00:18:32,487 Women are sold a bill of goods 306 00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:36,574 that it's easy, natural, blissful, perfect. 307 00:18:36,866 --> 00:18:40,161 You'll get this, everyone's done it before you, 308 00:18:40,245 --> 00:18:41,871 don't worry about it. 309 00:18:42,664 --> 00:18:43,957 And that's just not how it is. 310 00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:57,220 Baby has another tooth coming in. 311 00:18:57,846 --> 00:18:59,347 'Cause he's uncomfortable. 312 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,600 The non-dream-feed totally backfired. 313 00:19:02,892 --> 00:19:04,519 He normally can do the dream-feed 314 00:19:04,602 --> 00:19:06,521 and he's immediately out, and then I can go to sleep. 315 00:19:07,021 --> 00:19:10,775 So instead he woke up, and he was up for an hour, 316 00:19:10,859 --> 00:19:12,068 and wouldn't settle. 317 00:19:13,570 --> 00:19:15,405 But I think it's because I've been pumping so much 318 00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:17,740 that my milk isn't-- when he has it, 319 00:19:18,032 --> 00:19:19,909 it's not as hearty, 320 00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:22,662 because I've been, like, eliminating it 321 00:19:22,745 --> 00:19:23,872 throughout the day. 322 00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:25,748 And so I think it's a combination 323 00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:27,625 of him being hungry, 324 00:19:27,917 --> 00:19:30,795 and it was just a bad night to try to stop dream-feeding. 325 00:19:32,046 --> 00:19:33,631 It's always something, though. 326 00:19:33,923 --> 00:19:35,300 Definitely. 327 00:19:41,472 --> 00:19:43,224 Is he standing or laying? 328 00:20:03,494 --> 00:20:04,871 All right, Kimmy, we're ready. 329 00:20:12,337 --> 00:20:13,630 Whoa! 330 00:20:26,935 --> 00:20:28,019 That didn't work. 331 00:20:34,150 --> 00:20:36,861 Do you think I'll be okay if I'm not home for an hour? 332 00:20:37,153 --> 00:20:38,196 Okay. 333 00:20:39,030 --> 00:20:40,573 Hi, Koa. 334 00:20:40,865 --> 00:20:42,992 I know, I know, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have seen you. 335 00:20:43,785 --> 00:20:45,828 - Okay, bye. - Bye. 336 00:20:47,038 --> 00:20:48,539 Oh, I should just go home. 337 00:21:03,054 --> 00:21:06,099 Hey, Koa. Come here, come here. 338 00:21:06,391 --> 00:21:07,725 Yeah, what's going on? 339 00:21:07,976 --> 00:21:09,644 - He's like, I heard-- - What's going on? 340 00:21:14,983 --> 00:21:16,025 Yeah, yeah. 341 00:21:17,235 --> 00:21:18,277 I love you. 342 00:21:25,743 --> 00:21:27,036 My body is doing things 343 00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:30,039 that I've never had it do before. 344 00:21:30,540 --> 00:21:32,542 I haven't slept through the night in ten months. 345 00:21:33,668 --> 00:21:34,752 Not once. 346 00:21:35,878 --> 00:21:40,216 Every morning I wake up around 4:00, 347 00:21:40,675 --> 00:21:42,010 and I would've already been up, like, 348 00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:44,554 two or three times during the night. 349 00:21:44,637 --> 00:21:46,264 From the moment I wake up, 350 00:21:46,556 --> 00:21:50,184 I never really have time to think about anything for myself. 351 00:21:50,268 --> 00:21:51,602 Hot. Hot. 352 00:21:51,894 --> 00:21:54,272 Koa won't take a bottle that well, 353 00:21:54,564 --> 00:21:57,316 and so it's a cycle of trying to figure out 354 00:21:57,400 --> 00:22:01,154 when to feed and pump. 355 00:22:03,156 --> 00:22:05,366 He'll go down for his first nap around 7:00 in the morning, 356 00:22:05,450 --> 00:22:07,535 and then I get geared up to go out there. 357 00:22:08,786 --> 00:22:11,622 But my body is disconnected. 358 00:22:13,458 --> 00:22:14,751 I don't feel like myself. 359 00:22:21,132 --> 00:22:23,134 That first few weeks back to work, 360 00:22:23,801 --> 00:22:26,012 for that mom who might be separating from her child 361 00:22:26,304 --> 00:22:27,972 for the very first time, 362 00:22:28,890 --> 00:22:32,518 what space is made for her to grieve even that loss? 363 00:22:43,613 --> 00:22:45,782 There's these opposing forces of... 364 00:22:46,574 --> 00:22:48,076 who you were before, 365 00:22:49,327 --> 00:22:51,204 but then also new motherhood. 366 00:22:55,124 --> 00:22:56,709 Just feeling stressed. 367 00:22:57,001 --> 00:22:58,836 I don't know how to cure your anxiety 368 00:22:59,128 --> 00:23:01,714 if you won't tell me what you want me to do. 369 00:23:05,885 --> 00:23:07,428 I don't think there's any way to cure this. 370 00:23:07,512 --> 00:23:09,555 It's just a new reality. 371 00:23:13,726 --> 00:23:16,562 A lot of women want to kind of get back to their old body. 372 00:23:16,854 --> 00:23:19,273 They feel attached to maybe who they were in the past. 373 00:23:20,066 --> 00:23:22,276 But estrogen, progesterone drop. 374 00:23:22,360 --> 00:23:26,155 And estrogen is really important for things like muscle mass, 375 00:23:26,447 --> 00:23:28,866 strength, coordination. 376 00:23:31,869 --> 00:23:34,080 Those of us who are perfectionistic 377 00:23:34,372 --> 00:23:36,290 or type A's struggle the most, 378 00:23:36,874 --> 00:23:39,210 because somehow you're gonna get it right. 379 00:23:39,293 --> 00:23:42,255 Like, you can do motherhood like you did your job. 380 00:23:42,547 --> 00:23:44,048 You're super competent at that, 381 00:23:44,132 --> 00:23:47,009 and you're gonna do it right here, too. Ehh! 382 00:23:47,093 --> 00:23:48,136 Hard hit. 383 00:23:50,054 --> 00:23:51,848 This experience comes with 384 00:23:52,140 --> 00:23:53,641 an enormous amount of joy. 385 00:23:54,433 --> 00:23:56,936 These moments that you can't even describe. 386 00:23:57,019 --> 00:23:59,647 Like, they're full-body experiences. 387 00:24:01,232 --> 00:24:03,818 There's also an enormous amount of grieving. 388 00:24:04,110 --> 00:24:07,113 I miss my sense of control, I miss my flexibility, 389 00:24:07,196 --> 00:24:10,366 I miss my spontaneity, I miss me. 390 00:24:12,869 --> 00:24:16,038 We can feel two completely different feelings, 391 00:24:16,122 --> 00:24:18,583 we can have two completely different thoughts, 392 00:24:18,666 --> 00:24:20,751 or ten, all at the same time. 393 00:24:22,044 --> 00:24:25,256 We've had to give up a lot of what makes us who we are. 394 00:24:25,339 --> 00:24:29,177 Personally, it's taken so much away from me. 395 00:24:29,260 --> 00:24:31,846 I'm dealing with a different body. I'm not as strong. 396 00:24:32,138 --> 00:24:33,848 I just don't trust that if I wasn't breastfeeding, 397 00:24:34,140 --> 00:24:35,683 it wouldn't even be an issue. 398 00:24:35,766 --> 00:24:37,185 I don't know if I'm willing to sacrifice that. 399 00:24:37,268 --> 00:24:38,936 Like, I want to be out there, but he comes first. 400 00:24:39,020 --> 00:24:40,396 It's not making it easier on our relationship. 401 00:24:40,479 --> 00:24:41,856 I want you to be productive. 402 00:24:41,939 --> 00:24:43,024 Then it's like, I have a career, too. 403 00:24:43,316 --> 00:24:44,525 So even if I pump away from home, 404 00:24:44,609 --> 00:24:46,277 I have to have a milk supply when I get home. 405 00:24:46,360 --> 00:24:48,237 It's like you just don't understand. 406 00:24:48,321 --> 00:24:51,032 I do understand. 407 00:24:51,115 --> 00:24:52,533 I just feel like I have to give up. 408 00:25:05,755 --> 00:25:08,925 I'm trying to encourage her as much as I can, 409 00:25:10,051 --> 00:25:13,304 trying to make sure Koa is priority number one, 410 00:25:13,596 --> 00:25:16,641 but at the same time, we're paying to be here, 411 00:25:16,724 --> 00:25:20,853 we have our filmer here, we have a lot of responsibility, 412 00:25:21,145 --> 00:25:23,356 and I need to continue doing my job. 413 00:25:23,648 --> 00:25:26,150 Three, two, one... 414 00:25:30,112 --> 00:25:32,448 Go back up and do it again. 415 00:25:33,950 --> 00:25:35,368 I know she doesn't mean it 416 00:25:35,451 --> 00:25:37,787 when she doesn't wanna snowboard anymore. 417 00:25:38,621 --> 00:25:41,040 I just can't read what she really wants, 418 00:25:41,123 --> 00:25:43,084 and I don't think she knows what she wants. 419 00:25:46,587 --> 00:25:49,507 And then we have a whole new dynamic 420 00:25:49,590 --> 00:25:51,384 with having a nanny here, 421 00:25:51,467 --> 00:25:55,304 and the reality is is Kimmy's had some really tough times 422 00:25:55,388 --> 00:25:57,723 as a child with a caregiver, 423 00:25:59,016 --> 00:26:02,687 and so she's been terrified to leave Koa with anyone. 424 00:26:02,770 --> 00:26:05,189 I love you so much. 425 00:26:06,649 --> 00:26:08,025 I love you, I love you, I love you. 426 00:26:10,194 --> 00:26:12,822 Yeah. Sorry, Koa! 427 00:26:27,003 --> 00:26:29,922 So much happens that no one can see. 428 00:26:31,757 --> 00:26:34,760 So many things are brought up that you try to avoid. 429 00:26:37,263 --> 00:26:38,889 Our children are our mirrors, 430 00:26:39,390 --> 00:26:41,350 and so anything you didn't deal with before, 431 00:26:41,434 --> 00:26:44,979 you're gonna eventually have to deal with it with your child. 432 00:26:50,151 --> 00:26:51,193 Is that all? 433 00:26:52,278 --> 00:26:55,448 My family was supposed to be my safe place, 434 00:26:56,574 --> 00:26:59,618 but one specific person was dangerous. 435 00:27:00,703 --> 00:27:04,915 My first memory with him was at a family gathering. 436 00:27:04,999 --> 00:27:06,584 I feel I have to take advantage 437 00:27:07,001 --> 00:27:09,545 of being able to do this while somebody's watching Kimmy. 438 00:27:10,921 --> 00:27:14,216 He had me hold his hand and walk down a hallway, 439 00:27:14,884 --> 00:27:16,677 left the door cracked, 440 00:27:18,471 --> 00:27:21,849 and I sat in his lap and read a book. 441 00:27:24,018 --> 00:27:26,771 But what was happening wasn't reading. 442 00:27:29,940 --> 00:27:33,861 He was molesting kids. 443 00:27:33,944 --> 00:27:35,905 And it happened to me. 444 00:27:39,533 --> 00:27:41,994 Spent the whole morning in the pool. 445 00:27:43,371 --> 00:27:46,916 It went on for at least five years in different ways. 446 00:27:51,128 --> 00:27:56,175 My mom would ask me if anything had ever happened with him, 447 00:27:57,885 --> 00:27:59,261 but I always said no. 448 00:28:24,912 --> 00:28:27,164 Once we become a mother, 449 00:28:28,833 --> 00:28:33,504 we bring all of these ghosts into the nursery with us. 450 00:28:34,755 --> 00:28:36,924 Even if I make sense of that experience 451 00:28:37,216 --> 00:28:39,552 and heal from that experience, 452 00:28:39,844 --> 00:28:41,554 that all comes rushing back in. 453 00:28:47,435 --> 00:28:50,688 I am incredibly afraid that the same thing 454 00:28:50,980 --> 00:28:52,565 is gonna happen to him or her. 455 00:28:52,857 --> 00:28:54,066 It's nearly impossible. 456 00:28:56,026 --> 00:28:59,321 When we look at women who have got money or fame 457 00:28:59,613 --> 00:29:01,240 or beauty or whatever it is... 458 00:29:01,323 --> 00:29:03,534 There's, like, three ounces of milk in the fridge. 459 00:29:03,617 --> 00:29:04,869 ...it's sort of natural to think, "Well, 460 00:29:04,952 --> 00:29:06,245 they must have it all together." 461 00:29:07,788 --> 00:29:11,208 But we're all fair game. 462 00:29:12,460 --> 00:29:14,628 You can't buy your way out of it. 463 00:29:17,339 --> 00:29:19,967 I was having such deep levels of anxiety. 464 00:29:21,427 --> 00:29:23,554 I was losing myself. 465 00:29:24,680 --> 00:29:26,182 You can't do your work well 466 00:29:26,265 --> 00:29:28,058 if you're trying to protect your child. 467 00:29:28,684 --> 00:29:30,060 All day, you're not trusting yourself, 468 00:29:30,352 --> 00:29:32,021 you're not feeling supported. 469 00:29:32,521 --> 00:29:34,106 So you're no longer working off skill, 470 00:29:34,190 --> 00:29:37,026 you're working off emotion. That's always dangerous. 471 00:29:42,656 --> 00:29:43,991 How'd you break it? 472 00:29:44,074 --> 00:29:46,076 I hit a tree with my hand. 473 00:29:46,368 --> 00:29:48,496 I was doing a big turn for a photo. 474 00:29:48,579 --> 00:29:50,122 It's going to be okay, 475 00:29:50,414 --> 00:29:52,333 but I have to go home to get surgery. 476 00:29:52,416 --> 00:29:57,588 So now this begins the process of me and Koa 477 00:29:57,880 --> 00:30:02,176 getting home with my wrist broken. 478 00:30:02,259 --> 00:30:03,969 What are you doing? 479 00:30:04,261 --> 00:30:05,262 I was relieved. 480 00:30:05,554 --> 00:30:06,847 Pulling my hair. 481 00:30:07,139 --> 00:30:08,682 It bought me a little bit of time. 482 00:30:09,558 --> 00:30:13,479 It's also the second anniversary of my mom's passing, 483 00:30:13,562 --> 00:30:18,317 and so the irony of it is pretty unbelievable. 484 00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:22,279 When I hit the tree with my hand and when that all happened, 485 00:30:22,363 --> 00:30:27,576 it was basically the exact time that she passed away. 486 00:30:27,660 --> 00:30:30,371 So for some reason I got a smack on the wrist. 487 00:30:38,587 --> 00:30:41,090 I always saw my mom as somebody who could do it all. 488 00:30:43,300 --> 00:30:46,470 She never made me feel like she was stressed or overwhelmed. 489 00:30:48,430 --> 00:30:49,890 Not having her... 490 00:30:55,145 --> 00:31:00,526 I have nobody to talk to about all this that I'm feeling. 491 00:31:02,444 --> 00:31:04,321 When she was passing away, she said, "Are you sure 492 00:31:04,405 --> 00:31:07,825 you've asked me everything you want to ask me?" 493 00:31:07,908 --> 00:31:09,952 If I could give her a list now... 494 00:31:15,916 --> 00:31:19,962 When we lose the elder mothers, 495 00:31:20,045 --> 00:31:22,089 we lose that transmission of wisdom. 496 00:31:23,924 --> 00:31:27,636 We're in a capitalist, individualistic culture. 497 00:31:27,928 --> 00:31:29,263 It disperses us. 498 00:31:30,764 --> 00:31:34,018 That's the problem with motherhood in Western society. 499 00:31:34,101 --> 00:31:36,020 It's too isolating. 500 00:31:36,645 --> 00:31:38,772 Our family members and our friends 501 00:31:38,856 --> 00:31:41,775 are scattered far and wide. 502 00:31:41,859 --> 00:31:45,362 In order for the mother to give to her young, 503 00:31:45,446 --> 00:31:47,656 she needs to be held too. 504 00:31:48,157 --> 00:31:50,576 But who's holding the mother? 505 00:31:58,834 --> 00:32:00,336 - Hey, bubba. - Want Dada? 506 00:32:00,628 --> 00:32:02,838 Yeah. It's time for bed, huh? 507 00:32:03,589 --> 00:32:05,090 Ooh, hi. 508 00:32:06,175 --> 00:32:07,468 - What's your daddy doing? - New garage. 509 00:32:07,551 --> 00:32:08,969 Look, we're mounting skis. 510 00:32:09,637 --> 00:32:10,721 That's a binding. 511 00:32:11,639 --> 00:32:13,557 This is the cap to the wood glue. 512 00:32:14,475 --> 00:32:16,977 You like caps. This is an Allen wrench. 513 00:32:18,187 --> 00:32:19,521 Yeah, it's pretty neat. 514 00:32:20,230 --> 00:32:21,649 We don't eat it. 515 00:32:23,275 --> 00:32:25,736 I got a call from my team manager at Burton 516 00:32:26,028 --> 00:32:28,364 for a spring photo shoot, and it was gonna be 517 00:32:28,447 --> 00:32:30,991 the most ambitious trip that I had ever said yes to. 518 00:32:33,619 --> 00:32:35,120 Chris was coming with me... 519 00:32:35,412 --> 00:32:37,706 - Nicely done. - ...to be with Koa. 520 00:32:38,582 --> 00:32:39,833 That was gonna make me feel 521 00:32:40,084 --> 00:32:41,585 so much more confident in the mountains. 522 00:32:42,086 --> 00:32:43,837 I wanted to try again. 523 00:32:44,546 --> 00:32:47,925 But immediately, I felt like I had made the wrong decision. 524 00:32:56,183 --> 00:32:58,686 It's gonna be a bit aggressive, I think. 525 00:33:00,396 --> 00:33:01,897 We're in the Arctic. 526 00:33:01,980 --> 00:33:03,399 - It's cold. - And we have a baby. 527 00:33:03,941 --> 00:33:05,609 - We like the cold. - I was expecting to see, 528 00:33:05,693 --> 00:33:07,361 like, a big old boat. 529 00:33:07,945 --> 00:33:09,822 Hmm, not so much. 530 00:33:11,031 --> 00:33:13,283 Hopefully we brought enough clothes for him. 531 00:33:13,951 --> 00:33:15,494 Did we bring enough clothes for you? 532 00:33:17,871 --> 00:33:20,374 The captain said, "We've never had a 13-month-old 533 00:33:20,666 --> 00:33:22,751 on the boat, but you're welcome to bring him." 534 00:33:25,838 --> 00:33:28,632 Just wondering if we got a little bit over our heads. 535 00:33:28,924 --> 00:33:33,137 We maxed out the boat, so every ounce of space is taken. 536 00:33:33,846 --> 00:33:35,597 They're like, "Just pack really light." 537 00:33:35,889 --> 00:33:37,182 You can't do that with a baby. 538 00:33:43,272 --> 00:33:44,982 Maybe I should just get back on a flight. 539 00:33:46,817 --> 00:33:48,485 Should I get back on a flight? 540 00:33:51,905 --> 00:33:53,991 Should I send Chris back on the flight? 541 00:34:01,999 --> 00:34:04,042 The boat was smaller than we expected. 542 00:34:06,170 --> 00:34:07,504 We were in tight quarters, 543 00:34:09,173 --> 00:34:11,216 ...surrounded by the Arctic Ocean 544 00:34:12,301 --> 00:34:16,096 with a child that just learned how to walk. 545 00:34:16,180 --> 00:34:18,557 Plus, it's 24 hours of sunlight, 546 00:34:18,640 --> 00:34:23,103 14 hours north of the most north city in Norway. 547 00:34:25,814 --> 00:34:26,857 What happened? 548 00:34:28,233 --> 00:34:29,693 How are we gonna do this? 549 00:34:55,344 --> 00:34:57,346 What do you see? Ice. 550 00:35:04,102 --> 00:35:06,605 Yeah, it's potato. Turns out you don't like potato. 551 00:35:06,897 --> 00:35:08,565 I've tried to feed it to you many times. 552 00:35:08,857 --> 00:35:10,025 Do you like blueberries? 553 00:35:10,818 --> 00:35:14,196 So excited. It looks really fun. 554 00:35:14,488 --> 00:35:15,989 You are one hungry child. 555 00:35:16,073 --> 00:35:17,533 What else can I feed you? 556 00:35:19,618 --> 00:35:21,495 We're running out of options here, kiddo. 557 00:35:21,578 --> 00:35:23,121 Have you given him a pouch? 558 00:35:23,205 --> 00:35:25,582 There's lots of pouches. There's oatmeal. 559 00:35:26,500 --> 00:35:27,584 This guy. 560 00:35:28,252 --> 00:35:30,045 Doesn't know what to feed our child. 561 00:35:35,092 --> 00:35:38,262 One of the first lines while we're in Norway... 562 00:35:38,971 --> 00:35:40,389 Let me just set the stage. 563 00:35:41,014 --> 00:35:42,850 I remember hiking this line. 564 00:35:42,933 --> 00:35:44,476 It was first thing in the morning, 565 00:35:45,269 --> 00:35:47,312 and I had to go to the bathroom. 566 00:35:49,565 --> 00:35:52,484 We get to this little safety spot, 567 00:35:52,568 --> 00:35:55,362 and I tell the crew, "I'll meet you guys at the top." 568 00:35:56,655 --> 00:35:58,949 What they didn't know is that I had already shit my pants. 569 00:36:01,243 --> 00:36:03,036 Not a contained shit. 570 00:36:03,120 --> 00:36:04,997 It was down my leggings. 571 00:36:05,289 --> 00:36:07,791 It was... a mess. 572 00:36:08,333 --> 00:36:09,960 And all I could keep thinking was, 573 00:36:10,252 --> 00:36:14,256 "I still have to fucking make it to the top, ride back down, 574 00:36:14,965 --> 00:36:18,260 somehow clean my pants," because I only have one pair of pants. 575 00:36:18,552 --> 00:36:19,928 So I'm, like, using baby wipes. 576 00:36:20,012 --> 00:36:21,597 I'm, like, cleaning this stuff out. 577 00:36:21,680 --> 00:36:23,348 I'm trying to cover it up in snow. 578 00:36:24,474 --> 00:36:26,560 They're like, "You good?" 579 00:36:26,643 --> 00:36:27,811 I'm so good. 580 00:36:32,316 --> 00:36:33,525 What's your funny story? 581 00:36:33,609 --> 00:36:35,110 I cannot put it on camera. 582 00:36:35,694 --> 00:36:38,488 I have to tell you something so gnarly. 583 00:36:38,572 --> 00:36:41,158 - Babe. - Mid-mountain deuce. 584 00:36:41,450 --> 00:36:42,534 It was awesome. 585 00:36:42,826 --> 00:36:45,537 I'm proud. I was proud of Kimmy. 586 00:36:46,538 --> 00:36:49,541 We don't talk about anything that goes on down there. 587 00:36:49,833 --> 00:36:53,503 Leaking, pooping, bowel function, prolapse. 588 00:36:53,587 --> 00:36:55,047 All these things are not sexy. 589 00:36:55,631 --> 00:36:58,842 But they're common, and we need to be more compassionate 590 00:36:58,926 --> 00:37:01,511 and patient with ourselves when it comes to healing. 591 00:37:01,803 --> 00:37:03,347 It can only go up from there. 592 00:37:03,430 --> 00:37:05,307 No, it only goes down. 593 00:37:07,225 --> 00:37:11,146 ♪ Oh, how the world keeps on spinning ♪ 594 00:37:11,229 --> 00:37:15,609 ♪ It goes spinning out of control ♪ 595 00:37:15,692 --> 00:37:20,030 ♪ How the world keeps on spinning ♪ 596 00:37:20,113 --> 00:37:24,618 ♪ It goes spinning out of control ♪ 597 00:37:24,910 --> 00:37:28,997 ♪ How the world keeps on spinning ♪ 598 00:37:29,081 --> 00:37:33,377 ♪ It goes spinning out of control ♪ 599 00:37:33,460 --> 00:37:37,839 ♪ How the world keeps on spinning ♪ 600 00:37:37,923 --> 00:37:39,967 ♪ It goes spinning, yeah ♪ 601 00:37:40,050 --> 00:37:42,052 Oh, my gosh. Look at that fresh bread. 602 00:37:43,971 --> 00:37:46,807 Koa, you pop that open for me, little buster? 603 00:37:50,102 --> 00:37:51,395 Come here, dude. 604 00:37:51,979 --> 00:37:53,939 Yeah. 605 00:37:54,022 --> 00:37:57,109 We had a really cozy bed for him in the bathroom, 606 00:37:57,401 --> 00:38:00,654 and he slept, like, 12 hours. 607 00:38:01,113 --> 00:38:04,032 You must just feel like he's still in the belly or something. 608 00:38:04,116 --> 00:38:05,993 The swaying and the rocking of the boat. 609 00:38:08,120 --> 00:38:10,539 This is the first time in his whole life that he had slept 610 00:38:10,831 --> 00:38:12,457 through the night and slept that long. 611 00:38:12,541 --> 00:38:13,875 I think we're gonna be okay. 612 00:38:14,167 --> 00:38:15,794 Mom doesn't know I'm sneaking out. 613 00:38:16,253 --> 00:38:17,796 We have some code words. 614 00:38:17,879 --> 00:38:19,548 Gary needs an ice cream. 615 00:38:19,631 --> 00:38:21,049 Gary needs an ice cream. 616 00:38:27,973 --> 00:38:30,892 Not having any connection to the outside world, 617 00:38:31,184 --> 00:38:33,562 it just makes it really easy to be here. 618 00:38:34,312 --> 00:38:36,064 I have a journal that I've sat down out here 619 00:38:36,148 --> 00:38:38,066 to start writing in it, and my pen died. 620 00:38:38,150 --> 00:38:41,570 And I was like, "Okay. I guess it's just time to just chill." 621 00:38:44,322 --> 00:38:47,117 Working jobs and having kids, 622 00:38:47,909 --> 00:38:50,537 there is a feeling like, "I'm trying to do 623 00:38:50,829 --> 00:38:54,750 both these things at the same time, and I'm failing at both." 624 00:38:55,709 --> 00:38:57,544 But I just think it's a setup and a trap. 625 00:38:57,836 --> 00:38:59,504 You can't do everything well. 626 00:38:59,796 --> 00:39:01,006 Time is finite. 627 00:39:02,132 --> 00:39:06,094 If you've only got an hour with your kid every day, be there. 628 00:39:07,387 --> 00:39:08,555 Where's the tiger? 629 00:39:09,598 --> 00:39:11,558 - There. - Those are penguins. 630 00:39:11,641 --> 00:39:14,936 People think that happiness is a destination, 631 00:39:15,228 --> 00:39:19,232 but joy, happiness, those are moments of time. 632 00:39:24,738 --> 00:39:27,532 ♪ It goes spinning, yeah ♪ 633 00:39:50,972 --> 00:39:53,391 That was probably the closest we'll ever get 634 00:39:53,475 --> 00:39:56,645 to the old adage that "It takes a village." 635 00:40:01,108 --> 00:40:02,484 Here she goes! 636 00:40:03,235 --> 00:40:05,570 Hello, my little love. 637 00:40:05,862 --> 00:40:07,531 You were saying "Mom" the whole way down, 638 00:40:07,614 --> 00:40:09,116 and she gets here, and you don't get excited? 639 00:40:09,407 --> 00:40:11,535 - Hey, monkey! - "Hi, Mama!" 640 00:40:14,246 --> 00:40:17,124 Flat light, you know. 641 00:40:30,303 --> 00:40:31,388 Mama's boy. 642 00:40:34,141 --> 00:40:36,393 That's what I need. I just need more of that. 643 00:40:36,476 --> 00:40:38,395 Just had to take coming to the Arctic. 644 00:40:51,825 --> 00:40:53,785 As soon as I got service, 645 00:40:54,077 --> 00:40:57,581 I had this overwhelming amount of messages. 646 00:40:57,873 --> 00:40:59,666 There was a huge conversation happening 647 00:40:59,958 --> 00:41:04,296 about how protections for maternity were changing. 648 00:41:06,965 --> 00:41:10,969 Alysia Montaño wrote an op-ed about an inequality 649 00:41:11,052 --> 00:41:13,430 in pregnancy with track and field athletes. 650 00:41:15,432 --> 00:41:18,977 In response, Donna came forward that she was changing 651 00:41:19,269 --> 00:41:22,772 all women's contracts at Burton to include maternity care. 652 00:41:23,064 --> 00:41:25,859 I was so grateful to Kimmy. 653 00:41:25,942 --> 00:41:28,403 She forced us to confront this issue. 654 00:41:29,112 --> 00:41:32,824 You cannot underestimate the power of a role model. 655 00:41:33,116 --> 00:41:37,662 A young woman has to see herself, and the next generation 656 00:41:37,954 --> 00:41:41,082 is going to have the example of Kimmy Fasani. 657 00:41:42,334 --> 00:41:44,753 "This has been the biggest year of learning 658 00:41:44,836 --> 00:41:48,590 and adapting and slowing down in my life," Mama says. 659 00:41:48,882 --> 00:41:51,051 You got water on Mama's story. 660 00:41:51,343 --> 00:41:53,053 Oops. 661 00:41:54,095 --> 00:41:57,682 My intention was never to be a pioneer. 662 00:41:59,893 --> 00:42:01,478 We're gonna go snowboarding! 663 00:42:01,561 --> 00:42:03,730 - No! - You don't want to? 664 00:42:04,022 --> 00:42:06,149 We're gonna go meet all the other little kids. 665 00:42:06,233 --> 00:42:07,859 You wanna go meet all the little kids? 666 00:42:09,653 --> 00:42:11,154 I promise you'll have fun-- 667 00:42:11,238 --> 00:42:12,781 Wait, hold on. 668 00:42:17,285 --> 00:42:18,578 We're almost there. 669 00:42:21,456 --> 00:42:24,209 All of a sudden, I'm changing women's snowboarding. 670 00:42:26,044 --> 00:42:28,463 Everybody thinks I'm doing it all. 671 00:42:31,716 --> 00:42:33,510 But in the real world... 672 00:42:34,886 --> 00:42:36,012 Do you wanna help make this stop? 673 00:42:37,264 --> 00:42:39,557 Every day is a challenge. 674 00:42:41,726 --> 00:42:43,061 I'm not superwoman. 675 00:42:46,940 --> 00:42:50,235 The biggest healing that was given to adolescents 676 00:42:50,318 --> 00:42:52,779 was to tell them, "You can become anything 677 00:42:53,071 --> 00:42:54,906 you want when you grow up. 678 00:42:54,990 --> 00:42:57,909 For mothers, we've been given a close-ended process. 679 00:42:58,201 --> 00:43:00,078 You need to become this mother. 680 00:43:00,829 --> 00:43:06,710 No human can live up to this procured expectation 681 00:43:06,793 --> 00:43:09,546 that society has formulated for us. 682 00:43:10,130 --> 00:43:13,675 And so what ends up happening is we feel so bad about ourselves. 683 00:43:13,967 --> 00:43:16,052 "Should I be doing this? Who am I? 684 00:43:16,344 --> 00:43:18,763 Is it okay that I'm this person?" 685 00:43:18,847 --> 00:43:20,348 We lose our core. 686 00:43:21,975 --> 00:43:24,477 Your definition of yourself starts to change. 687 00:43:25,437 --> 00:43:28,732 Your perspective starts to shift, and many people 688 00:43:28,815 --> 00:43:31,568 don't understand how encompassing it can be. 689 00:43:32,152 --> 00:43:33,737 We usually silence around things 690 00:43:34,029 --> 00:43:36,865 that are complicated, uncomfortable. 691 00:43:37,157 --> 00:43:41,411 And silencing around motherhood is very commonplace, 692 00:43:41,494 --> 00:43:45,415 because what you want to talk about is the hard stuff. 693 00:43:45,999 --> 00:43:48,710 But if you were to speak up... 694 00:43:48,793 --> 00:43:51,129 we might wonder if you're okay. 695 00:43:52,130 --> 00:43:53,548 Look, that's a nine. 696 00:43:54,549 --> 00:43:55,884 That's a nine. 697 00:43:56,343 --> 00:43:59,721 I'll ski for a little bit, and then I'll fly out to Denver. 698 00:44:00,513 --> 00:44:03,141 Yeah, I have an art show on the 28th. 699 00:44:03,767 --> 00:44:05,769 Do you think you'll be able to fit all that in? 700 00:44:05,852 --> 00:44:07,854 Yeah, we can make anything work, 701 00:44:08,146 --> 00:44:10,148 but it's a completely separate job, 702 00:44:10,231 --> 00:44:11,858 - and it's so much work for me. - One, two, three. 703 00:44:12,359 --> 00:44:13,985 Well, we need to find some time... 704 00:44:14,277 --> 00:44:15,487 Green light. 705 00:44:15,570 --> 00:44:17,447 Run, run, run, run, run! 706 00:44:17,530 --> 00:44:19,282 Now that Koa was a little more independent, 707 00:44:19,366 --> 00:44:21,201 there was a little bit more freedom for me. 708 00:44:21,743 --> 00:44:25,121 I had an opportunity to be on a couple trips that winter, 709 00:44:25,663 --> 00:44:29,626 and one of them was back in Alaska. 710 00:44:29,709 --> 00:44:32,420 And I was looking forward to that. 711 00:44:32,504 --> 00:44:34,130 You wanna go back to Daddy? 712 00:44:35,882 --> 00:44:39,386 At the same time, I was presented 713 00:44:39,469 --> 00:44:43,932 with the biggest project of my career by far, 714 00:44:44,808 --> 00:44:46,601 and I had to jump on it. 715 00:44:48,728 --> 00:44:51,356 This is all just, like, coming at me full speed, 716 00:44:51,439 --> 00:44:53,900 and so I'm just trying to make everything happen. 717 00:44:54,192 --> 00:44:56,027 The project keeps growing, and growing 718 00:44:56,319 --> 00:44:58,321 - and growing. Yeah. - Yes, exactly. 719 00:44:58,405 --> 00:45:00,240 "Generally, how it works, is when the sun is out, 720 00:45:00,532 --> 00:45:02,158 it's daytime, and we do stuff. 721 00:45:02,450 --> 00:45:03,618 The rest of the time is night." 722 00:45:04,411 --> 00:45:06,621 Chris has so many moving parts right now. 723 00:45:07,664 --> 00:45:09,958 I just feel like he's stretched really thin. 724 00:45:12,210 --> 00:45:14,921 Chris was planning a film, 725 00:45:15,213 --> 00:45:18,007 and it was taking him across the world. 726 00:45:18,299 --> 00:45:21,594 I would never want to be the one that says, "You cannot do this." 727 00:45:21,678 --> 00:45:24,973 I get it, but we were not on the same path. 728 00:45:25,056 --> 00:45:27,183 Yeah. 729 00:45:27,267 --> 00:45:29,853 I was being put in the position of, 730 00:45:29,936 --> 00:45:31,146 "This is what you do." 731 00:45:32,564 --> 00:45:34,232 - Let me get your water. - Water! 732 00:45:34,315 --> 00:45:36,234 Mama has a sore throat, so she doesn't want you to drink 733 00:45:36,317 --> 00:45:37,861 out of my water, but you can have this. 734 00:45:41,197 --> 00:45:42,490 Soup! 735 00:45:42,574 --> 00:45:44,701 - You want soup right now? - Yeah. 736 00:45:45,702 --> 00:45:47,996 - Do you want tea instead? - Yeah. 737 00:45:48,079 --> 00:45:51,666 - You want some tea? - Soup. Soup. 738 00:45:51,749 --> 00:45:53,960 - I'm sorry. - You're saying sorry? 739 00:45:54,252 --> 00:45:56,045 - No! - No? 740 00:45:57,380 --> 00:45:58,715 Months went by. 741 00:46:02,260 --> 00:46:03,595 I was just waiting. 742 00:46:05,472 --> 00:46:06,514 - You want to read it now? - No. 743 00:46:06,598 --> 00:46:07,640 Okay, I'll hold that. 744 00:46:08,433 --> 00:46:10,393 - No, Mama. - Do you want me to move? 745 00:46:10,477 --> 00:46:13,688 - Yeah. - Okay. 746 00:46:13,771 --> 00:46:16,900 But there was so much joy, because I was home with Koa... 747 00:46:19,402 --> 00:46:22,238 Woo! Wow! 748 00:46:22,530 --> 00:46:26,910 ...and it felt isolating, and lonely. 749 00:46:27,202 --> 00:46:29,662 Your hands are cold. We should probably go in soon, okay? 750 00:46:29,954 --> 00:46:31,664 Confusing, really. 751 00:46:32,248 --> 00:46:34,334 So I made it here pretty quick. 752 00:46:35,793 --> 00:46:37,295 I wanted that freedom, 753 00:46:37,754 --> 00:46:40,548 that freedom that I saw Chris have. 754 00:46:40,632 --> 00:46:43,384 I was envious of his freedom. 755 00:46:52,936 --> 00:46:57,023 Women and mothers carry a much higher mental load. 756 00:46:58,900 --> 00:47:01,528 Even couples who have the best intentions 757 00:47:01,819 --> 00:47:05,573 on splitting things equally slip into these same patterns. 758 00:47:06,407 --> 00:47:11,204 Society just puts a lot more parental expectation 759 00:47:11,287 --> 00:47:12,455 on women and mothers. 760 00:47:13,373 --> 00:47:17,544 The self-sacrificing mother is a trope 761 00:47:17,627 --> 00:47:19,671 that is also problematic. 762 00:47:19,963 --> 00:47:22,131 You're supposed to do it in a masochistic way, 763 00:47:22,423 --> 00:47:24,050 and enjoy it the whole time. 764 00:47:24,342 --> 00:47:26,177 It's actually a grief process. 765 00:47:26,261 --> 00:47:30,348 That time of me, mine, I, that's done. 766 00:47:30,640 --> 00:47:32,433 I need to start making moves. 767 00:47:32,517 --> 00:47:33,726 Watch a movie. 768 00:47:33,810 --> 00:47:34,936 No, you're not watching a movie. 769 00:47:35,228 --> 00:47:36,771 Watch a movie! 770 00:47:37,063 --> 00:47:38,398 - That's not a very nice voice. - Hello? 771 00:47:40,066 --> 00:47:41,734 Mama's trying to work, too. 772 00:47:43,027 --> 00:47:44,028 Would you like an apple? 773 00:47:44,320 --> 00:47:46,406 - Please. - Thank you, Koa. 774 00:47:46,489 --> 00:47:48,283 Can I have a big kiss? That was so sweet. 775 00:47:52,161 --> 00:47:54,581 I see Chris just nonstop, 776 00:47:54,664 --> 00:47:57,208 moving, going, always saying yes. 777 00:47:59,586 --> 00:48:02,505 It frustrates her that I can't say no. 778 00:48:03,381 --> 00:48:04,507 What she doesn't understand 779 00:48:04,799 --> 00:48:06,593 is how much I actually do say no to. 780 00:48:06,884 --> 00:48:10,179 I have to head out of town, so I don't have all day, but... 781 00:48:10,263 --> 00:48:14,309 She wants me to throw my phone out the window, but... 782 00:48:15,852 --> 00:48:17,186 This is me... 783 00:48:17,687 --> 00:48:19,147 Through this whole process, 784 00:48:19,230 --> 00:48:21,399 I wanted it to be an experiential thing. 785 00:48:22,191 --> 00:48:23,901 ...and it's always been me. 786 00:48:27,989 --> 00:48:29,282 The first three years of having a child 787 00:48:29,365 --> 00:48:30,867 is the hardest on any couple. 788 00:48:31,451 --> 00:48:34,412 You're in a stressful time like no other. 789 00:48:34,495 --> 00:48:36,748 What should happen is that stress gets processed. 790 00:48:37,040 --> 00:48:38,625 It gets moved. 791 00:48:38,708 --> 00:48:40,168 In the wild, animals shake their bodies. 792 00:48:40,251 --> 00:48:41,461 They move. 793 00:48:42,462 --> 00:48:45,256 But if you don't do that, it's more of like a shutdown. 794 00:48:46,007 --> 00:48:48,593 You're just dissociated as a way to cope. 795 00:48:48,885 --> 00:48:52,388 For many women, postpartum depression is the thing 796 00:48:52,472 --> 00:48:55,058 that they're not realizing that they're experiencing. 797 00:49:03,983 --> 00:49:06,361 I wouldn't be who I am without what I do. 798 00:49:08,988 --> 00:49:13,868 You know, I... I don't just snowboard because it's cool. 799 00:49:13,951 --> 00:49:16,704 I snowboard because it's what I love. 800 00:49:17,288 --> 00:49:21,209 It's also the thing that helps me deal with hard moments. 801 00:49:22,168 --> 00:49:25,004 So, going to Alaska is something that... 802 00:49:25,963 --> 00:49:28,257 the last time I was there was when my mom died, 803 00:49:29,092 --> 00:49:30,510 and it was so healing. 804 00:49:48,277 --> 00:49:49,320 Hi! 805 00:49:49,404 --> 00:49:50,905 - Dada. - Muah! 806 00:49:50,988 --> 00:49:52,407 Here's where Dada was. 807 00:49:53,574 --> 00:49:56,202 I flew all the way right here, and you live right here. 808 00:49:56,494 --> 00:49:57,912 See how far I traveled? 809 00:49:58,621 --> 00:50:00,790 It's really hard to find the balance between 810 00:50:01,082 --> 00:50:03,668 two people that are super passionate about what they do. 811 00:50:04,127 --> 00:50:10,717 Or if one person really does have to give all of that up. 812 00:50:11,342 --> 00:50:14,387 If you had any suggestions 813 00:50:14,470 --> 00:50:17,306 on how you want to see February line up, or-- 814 00:50:17,390 --> 00:50:19,475 and I know you can't create plans. That's... 815 00:50:22,729 --> 00:50:24,480 Well, what are we working towards, like...? 816 00:50:24,564 --> 00:50:25,898 I'm just trying to see-- Okay, so... 817 00:50:27,984 --> 00:50:32,321 And it's just asking ourselves, are we happy? 818 00:50:35,491 --> 00:50:37,994 I'm just trying to make a plan so that I have an answer. 819 00:50:38,077 --> 00:50:40,830 Anything I say isn't what you want to hear, so... 820 00:50:41,122 --> 00:50:44,292 - You're such a jerk. - How am I such a jerk? 821 00:50:44,584 --> 00:50:46,085 I'm playing devil's advocate. 822 00:50:51,174 --> 00:50:53,593 It always blows up into everything, 823 00:50:53,676 --> 00:50:55,094 you know, like, our whole... 824 00:50:56,012 --> 00:50:57,054 life together. 825 00:50:58,473 --> 00:51:01,058 We throw the word around... 826 00:51:01,893 --> 00:51:03,394 the divorce word, 827 00:51:04,228 --> 00:51:06,522 and I'm dealing with so much of my own, 828 00:51:06,814 --> 00:51:08,775 and becoming a father. 829 00:51:09,484 --> 00:51:10,526 Everything feels... 830 00:51:10,818 --> 00:51:11,778 Is it yummy? 831 00:51:12,069 --> 00:51:13,154 ...personal. 832 00:51:15,364 --> 00:51:18,201 How hard are we willing to push... 833 00:51:18,284 --> 00:51:19,827 in our own directions? 834 00:51:20,536 --> 00:51:22,246 And what's going to break first? 835 00:51:22,830 --> 00:51:24,332 Pardon? 836 00:51:24,415 --> 00:51:25,792 Delete Chris's phone. 837 00:51:26,334 --> 00:51:28,419 - Pardon? - Whatever. Just leave it. 838 00:51:28,503 --> 00:51:31,214 - Chris's phone. - Pardon? 839 00:51:32,965 --> 00:51:35,051 I needed to be back on my board, 840 00:51:36,385 --> 00:51:37,678 so that I could be a better mother. 841 00:51:39,597 --> 00:51:41,891 I was going to take Koa on a trip, 842 00:51:41,974 --> 00:51:44,936 and I leaned into having a nanny. 843 00:51:45,645 --> 00:51:46,979 That was my option. 844 00:51:48,022 --> 00:51:50,441 And yet, I still doubted that my child would be okay 845 00:51:50,525 --> 00:51:52,985 in somebody else's care. 846 00:51:57,740 --> 00:52:02,954 I left Koa and our nanny, so that I could film with the crew. 847 00:52:03,621 --> 00:52:06,290 As soon as I walked back into the room, 848 00:52:07,250 --> 00:52:12,004 Koa is really pale, and pretty lethargic. 849 00:52:13,840 --> 00:52:15,258 I take him in to a clinic. 850 00:52:15,341 --> 00:52:16,759 The nurse is like, 851 00:52:17,051 --> 00:52:19,053 "If he doesn't pee by the end of the night, 852 00:52:19,136 --> 00:52:20,805 take him to the emergency room." 853 00:52:21,848 --> 00:52:23,307 He doesn't pee. 854 00:52:24,267 --> 00:52:25,810 And I get to the emergency room, 855 00:52:26,102 --> 00:52:29,397 and a woman looks at me blank in the face and says, 856 00:52:29,480 --> 00:52:31,941 "We have to get your child out of here immediately. 857 00:52:32,024 --> 00:52:33,568 He is extremely sick." 858 00:52:33,651 --> 00:52:36,320 Mama. Mama. 859 00:52:38,030 --> 00:52:40,032 Mama. 860 00:52:40,116 --> 00:52:43,202 - It's okay. - Mama, no. 861 00:52:43,286 --> 00:52:46,163 - Mama. - Koa has kidney failure. 862 00:52:52,545 --> 00:52:54,755 Chris jumped on the first flight he could, 863 00:52:55,047 --> 00:52:57,174 and they started dialysis on Koa, 864 00:52:57,258 --> 00:53:01,095 just hoping that his body would go into self-rescue. 865 00:53:04,807 --> 00:53:07,226 It felt like we were going to lose our child. 866 00:53:13,274 --> 00:53:15,818 I just detached from anything else. 867 00:53:17,820 --> 00:53:20,197 All the busyness stopped. 868 00:53:21,240 --> 00:53:23,159 We never meant to jeopardize him. 869 00:53:25,995 --> 00:53:28,456 To think that I'm trying to go snowboarding, 870 00:53:29,248 --> 00:53:31,250 and my kid almost dies. 871 00:53:32,126 --> 00:53:33,794 I would've never forgiven myself. 872 00:53:35,379 --> 00:53:37,298 Come on, keep holding it. 873 00:53:38,424 --> 00:53:43,638 It was a reminder to what is important in life. 874 00:53:43,930 --> 00:53:46,432 - That goes right there. - That does go right there. 875 00:53:46,515 --> 00:53:47,975 It was three weeks 876 00:53:48,059 --> 00:53:50,353 that we were in the hospital with Koa, 877 00:53:50,436 --> 00:53:52,605 and we got really lucky. 878 00:53:53,189 --> 00:53:55,066 The dialysis worked. 879 00:53:55,149 --> 00:53:57,777 They feel like it was a link to bacteria 880 00:53:57,860 --> 00:53:59,820 like E. coli, or salmonella. 881 00:54:01,364 --> 00:54:04,867 And Koa was able to recover. 882 00:54:04,951 --> 00:54:05,993 How about this? 883 00:54:07,453 --> 00:54:08,537 Koa. 884 00:54:08,996 --> 00:54:10,081 Whoa! 885 00:54:10,373 --> 00:54:11,540 Oh, man, how many do you see? 886 00:54:11,832 --> 00:54:13,250 Oh, that was a good one. 887 00:54:13,334 --> 00:54:15,211 - One, two, three. - Pop, pop, pop. 888 00:54:17,713 --> 00:54:19,256 I'm gonna get ya! 889 00:54:19,340 --> 00:54:20,841 I'm gonna get ya! 890 00:54:25,930 --> 00:54:27,390 - Did we get him? - Yeah. 891 00:54:27,473 --> 00:54:28,599 - Did he get you? - Yeah. 892 00:54:28,683 --> 00:54:31,185 - Should we go hide? - Boo! 893 00:54:31,268 --> 00:54:32,561 - Can you say boo? - Boo. 894 00:54:34,313 --> 00:54:35,356 Boo! 895 00:54:58,421 --> 00:54:59,755 Motherhood is so rife 896 00:55:00,047 --> 00:55:02,299 with "shoulds" and "supposed tos". 897 00:55:02,383 --> 00:55:04,135 Convincing ourselves that we should 898 00:55:04,427 --> 00:55:07,847 and are supposed to be showing up in all these different ways. 899 00:55:10,516 --> 00:55:12,226 Where's Mama and Dada going? 900 00:55:12,309 --> 00:55:13,602 Working. 901 00:55:13,686 --> 00:55:15,271 - We're going to go working? - Yeah. 902 00:55:15,354 --> 00:55:17,189 Where are we going? Is it a place called Alaska? 903 00:55:17,273 --> 00:55:18,399 Alaska. 904 00:55:18,482 --> 00:55:19,734 I'll see you in Reno. 905 00:55:19,817 --> 00:55:21,527 Drive safe. I love you so much. 906 00:55:21,610 --> 00:55:25,322 But a lot of the pressures that we feel, 907 00:55:27,033 --> 00:55:28,284 we do put on ourself. 908 00:55:28,826 --> 00:55:30,953 Watermelon, obviously. He'll be psyched. 909 00:55:31,370 --> 00:55:33,456 It was already hard enough for me to leave, 910 00:55:33,539 --> 00:55:35,666 but it was the end of the season. 911 00:55:35,958 --> 00:55:38,836 So, I really wanted to try one last time, 912 00:55:39,128 --> 00:55:41,964 and at that time, it wasn't safe for Koa to travel. 913 00:55:42,256 --> 00:55:43,424 Just stay up on hand-washing, 914 00:55:43,716 --> 00:55:46,218 with this whole coronavirus thing. 915 00:55:57,229 --> 00:56:00,066 Mammoth is closed until further notice. 916 00:56:00,357 --> 00:56:03,027 They just closed the Canada border, too. 917 00:56:03,778 --> 00:56:06,405 It's crazy, crazy in town, but... 918 00:56:06,489 --> 00:56:07,490 Yeah. 919 00:56:09,366 --> 00:56:11,077 It's a long way home. 920 00:56:11,368 --> 00:56:12,453 I have to trust her. 921 00:56:12,745 --> 00:56:14,830 - I do trust her. - If you feel 100%. 922 00:56:15,122 --> 00:56:17,541 Of course, I can't say I feel 100%. 923 00:56:17,625 --> 00:56:18,709 I'm trying to let go of it, 924 00:56:19,001 --> 00:56:20,252 because there's nothing I can do. 925 00:56:20,544 --> 00:56:22,421 I need to do my job. I keep bailing on my job. 926 00:56:22,505 --> 00:56:24,090 And I have to be here. I want to be here. 927 00:56:24,381 --> 00:56:25,633 I want you to be here. 928 00:56:25,925 --> 00:56:27,176 That's why I'm trying to figure it out myself, 929 00:56:27,468 --> 00:56:28,511 of getting out of here. 930 00:56:31,555 --> 00:56:34,100 I'm very grateful that Chris is going home. 931 00:56:35,392 --> 00:56:36,560 Dada. 932 00:56:36,811 --> 00:56:40,106 And I am choosing to stay in Alaska. 933 00:56:42,441 --> 00:56:44,068 It's a tug-of-war with your heart. 934 00:56:44,985 --> 00:56:46,320 Oh! 935 00:56:46,403 --> 00:56:48,030 Zoom! 936 00:56:48,114 --> 00:56:50,282 The general consensus within our group 937 00:56:50,574 --> 00:56:52,827 is that everyone's gonna stay. 938 00:56:53,119 --> 00:56:55,121 I feel like I'm being pulled, 939 00:56:55,412 --> 00:56:56,956 but I can't tell which way I'm being pulled. 940 00:56:57,790 --> 00:56:58,999 I love you. 941 00:56:59,291 --> 00:57:00,626 I love you, too. 942 00:57:00,918 --> 00:57:02,837 You're supposed to leave that side of you 943 00:57:04,338 --> 00:57:06,423 when you show up in the mountains. 944 00:57:10,177 --> 00:57:12,888 Selfishly, I want to be here, and I want to snowboard. 945 00:57:16,725 --> 00:57:19,854 The other selfish part of me really wants to be home, 946 00:57:20,146 --> 00:57:22,690 in Mammoth, with my son, and Chris. 947 00:57:22,773 --> 00:57:24,692 And if we're all together, 948 00:57:24,775 --> 00:57:26,443 it's like, that's all that matters. 949 00:57:31,407 --> 00:57:33,534 There's a multiple-lane highway 950 00:57:33,617 --> 00:57:36,078 in your head, the minute you become a parent. 951 00:57:36,829 --> 00:57:38,289 You have to find a way to make peace 952 00:57:38,581 --> 00:57:40,166 with what your choices are. 953 00:57:40,457 --> 00:57:42,543 And that sounds a hell of a lot easier than it is. 954 00:57:45,296 --> 00:57:47,965 I don't think you'll get stuck forever. 955 00:57:48,048 --> 00:57:49,967 I know. And that's what's hard. 956 00:57:50,259 --> 00:57:52,511 It's like, I don't want to be sitting here, selfish. 957 00:57:54,388 --> 00:57:57,099 It's almost like forcing that choice 958 00:57:58,017 --> 00:58:01,604 of family first, 959 00:58:02,354 --> 00:58:05,316 which, obviously, is first. 960 00:58:23,334 --> 00:58:26,795 I'm home, and we're gonna be on lockdown. 961 00:58:27,087 --> 00:58:31,050 There's a stay-at-home ordinance happening 962 00:58:31,342 --> 00:58:33,093 in Mammoth, for a while. 963 00:58:33,385 --> 00:58:36,680 They're saying, like, confine, isolate yourself for two weeks. 964 00:58:37,306 --> 00:58:41,894 So we'll have a lot of family time between now and then. 965 00:58:54,823 --> 00:58:55,950 Can I take a photo of you? 966 00:58:56,242 --> 00:58:57,868 Can't do it. 967 00:58:58,911 --> 00:59:00,246 I think you just did it. 968 00:59:00,537 --> 00:59:02,623 - Can you show me again? - I don't know. 969 00:59:02,915 --> 00:59:04,833 Can you slip into your bindings? 970 00:59:05,125 --> 00:59:06,585 Can we try to get your straps on? 971 00:59:06,669 --> 00:59:08,087 Yeah. 972 00:59:14,510 --> 00:59:15,719 Hi, buddy. 973 00:59:32,653 --> 00:59:34,655 - Yeah! - Oh, stomp it. 974 00:59:35,489 --> 00:59:37,116 Yeah. 975 00:59:37,199 --> 00:59:38,701 Oh! 976 00:59:38,784 --> 00:59:40,202 Four-week old. 977 00:59:40,286 --> 00:59:42,246 Trying to go take a couple runs. 978 00:59:42,329 --> 00:59:46,125 It's still proving to be quite the balancing act. 979 00:59:46,417 --> 00:59:50,129 I'm gonna have my snorkel on. 980 00:59:50,212 --> 00:59:52,423 It used to always be about, like, first chair. 981 00:59:53,007 --> 00:59:55,467 Now it's just, can I get out of the house? 982 00:59:55,551 --> 00:59:57,803 Can I get out of the house? 983 00:59:58,095 --> 01:00:00,597 Do you think you can get out of the house? 984 01:00:01,557 --> 01:00:03,183 There was a rekindling with Chris and I. 985 01:00:03,475 --> 01:00:05,978 There was a healing. 986 01:00:06,061 --> 01:00:08,230 We were spending the most time we had ever spent together. 987 01:00:09,773 --> 01:00:10,941 Hey, Mommy, yeah. 988 01:00:11,233 --> 01:00:13,360 We found peace and joy, 989 01:00:13,444 --> 01:00:15,612 and all these wonderful things happened. 990 01:00:19,992 --> 01:00:21,035 Puzzles. 991 01:00:22,619 --> 01:00:24,413 I'm gonna do a puzzle. 992 01:00:24,496 --> 01:00:25,789 Can you give Zeppelin a big kiss? 993 01:00:26,081 --> 01:00:27,207 Mm! 994 01:00:27,499 --> 01:00:29,126 Can you just give him a nose snuggy? 995 01:00:29,585 --> 01:00:31,670 Snuggles. 996 01:00:32,880 --> 01:00:35,007 We didn't have plans on the horizon. 997 01:00:35,507 --> 01:00:39,053 We got 13, five. 998 01:00:39,136 --> 01:00:40,637 It felt so right. 999 01:00:43,015 --> 01:00:44,433 Powder day. 1000 01:00:44,516 --> 01:00:45,768 10:30. 1001 01:00:47,269 --> 01:00:49,772 Babies, they know when their mom leaves the house. 1002 01:00:50,064 --> 01:00:53,067 So, I wouldn't be surprised if I get a call soon. 1003 01:00:53,150 --> 01:00:55,194 But at least I know this time around. 1004 01:00:55,486 --> 01:00:58,572 Now it's just more cherished to be able to get one run. 1005 01:00:58,655 --> 01:01:00,866 One run feels like a million. 1006 01:01:10,042 --> 01:01:13,170 Matrescence, while the starting point might be clear, 1007 01:01:13,462 --> 01:01:14,963 the end point isn't clear. 1008 01:01:15,255 --> 01:01:18,467 It happens again, and again, with every child. 1009 01:01:19,093 --> 01:01:21,345 It may last a lifetime. 1010 01:01:24,098 --> 01:01:26,809 And so we bring in the image of the spiral, 1011 01:01:26,892 --> 01:01:29,478 meaning we might return to the same ground, 1012 01:01:29,561 --> 01:01:31,188 but on a different level. 1013 01:01:32,231 --> 01:01:33,982 It's almost like we're back in the same place, 1014 01:01:34,274 --> 01:01:37,319 but totally different people. 1015 01:01:37,403 --> 01:01:39,446 If we learned all of that in three years, 1016 01:01:40,656 --> 01:01:41,990 what are we going to learn now? 1017 01:01:42,741 --> 01:01:43,992 Mom, look out! 1018 01:01:44,284 --> 01:01:46,620 - Snow ball attack! - Oh, no! 1019 01:01:49,248 --> 01:01:51,083 Oh, no! 1020 01:02:12,855 --> 01:02:15,899 They've identified this blanket term 1021 01:02:16,191 --> 01:02:19,194 of inflammatory breast cancer, but now they're gonna... 1022 01:02:20,446 --> 01:02:22,239 see what hormones attach to it, 1023 01:02:22,322 --> 01:02:25,826 and then that's going to identify the exact type. 1024 01:02:27,828 --> 01:02:29,538 Mm-hmm. 1025 01:02:29,621 --> 01:02:33,292 It's just not what we were... set up for this season. 1026 01:02:38,589 --> 01:02:39,631 It was small, 1027 01:02:40,632 --> 01:02:43,510 right on the edge of my chest, 1028 01:02:43,594 --> 01:02:46,346 and I associated the lump in my breast 1029 01:02:47,806 --> 01:02:48,932 to clogged milk ducts. 1030 01:02:50,642 --> 01:02:53,020 It never even crossed my mind. 1031 01:02:56,064 --> 01:02:57,733 I remember doing a self-check, 1032 01:02:58,484 --> 01:02:59,610 feeling that lump, 1033 01:03:00,277 --> 01:03:03,197 and then moving into my armpit, and stopping. 1034 01:03:04,948 --> 01:03:08,577 There was a pea-sized, rock-hard nodule. 1035 01:03:27,888 --> 01:03:29,223 That was Saturday. 1036 01:03:29,765 --> 01:03:34,686 Monday at 9 a.m., I saw a breast specialist. 1037 01:03:34,770 --> 01:03:39,525 The doctor said, "You have inflammatory breast cancer. 1038 01:03:39,816 --> 01:03:41,401 Stop breastfeeding immediately." 1039 01:03:44,738 --> 01:03:47,032 This type of cancer is really aggressive. 1040 01:03:48,408 --> 01:03:50,327 You like that? Mm! 1041 01:03:50,619 --> 01:03:53,789 You're gonna have to be in chemo as fast as possible. 1042 01:03:54,748 --> 01:03:57,417 All I wanted was a pause button. 1043 01:03:58,710 --> 01:03:59,795 A silver car! 1044 01:04:00,087 --> 01:04:02,631 - Red car! Red car! - Red-- nice one. 1045 01:04:03,840 --> 01:04:06,009 Silver car! Silver truck! 1046 01:04:16,812 --> 01:04:18,981 You already can't handle 1047 01:04:19,273 --> 01:04:20,566 the amount of shit you have to do, 1048 01:04:20,816 --> 01:04:23,902 so why not add on that you have to move again? 1049 01:04:26,196 --> 01:04:27,739 Not using that this year. 1050 01:04:31,201 --> 01:04:33,745 She did all of the right things. 1051 01:04:34,037 --> 01:04:37,207 She's healthy, she takes care of her body. 1052 01:04:37,291 --> 01:04:39,751 I wish it were me in her place. 1053 01:04:40,627 --> 01:04:43,839 She's given my life value and purpose. 1054 01:04:44,131 --> 01:04:46,425 Yeah, Koa asked specifically that we bring those. 1055 01:04:48,594 --> 01:04:52,806 I would be devastated to lose my partner. 1056 01:04:53,098 --> 01:04:54,558 Can you tell me what's wrong? 1057 01:04:54,850 --> 01:04:57,811 I just don't want her to be gone. 1058 01:04:58,854 --> 01:05:01,690 But I just wish nothing more than 1059 01:05:01,982 --> 01:05:04,026 that our children get their mother. 1060 01:05:08,530 --> 01:05:11,742 This was actually a bag of pens that my mom had. 1061 01:05:12,784 --> 01:05:14,953 For some reason, she had, like, a million. 1062 01:05:15,621 --> 01:05:16,872 So any time I need a new pen, 1063 01:05:17,122 --> 01:05:19,124 I just come down, and see what she had. 1064 01:05:19,541 --> 01:05:22,544 But I haven't even had time to go through and, like... 1065 01:05:23,920 --> 01:05:26,048 separate myself from her life. 1066 01:05:27,299 --> 01:05:30,260 Now I'm trying to separate myself from my own life. 1067 01:05:34,181 --> 01:05:37,893 When my mom was diagnosed, she knew all the facts. 1068 01:05:38,560 --> 01:05:42,481 I mean, only 2.4% of breast cancers are inflammatory. 1069 01:05:42,564 --> 01:05:46,610 This is not something that I see even once a year. This is... 1070 01:05:46,693 --> 01:05:49,905 She had witnessed enough people going through chemo... 1071 01:05:51,948 --> 01:05:54,326 and she knew what she was going to do. 1072 01:05:55,160 --> 01:05:56,953 I watched my mom go through this. 1073 01:05:57,037 --> 01:05:58,622 I watched my dad go through this. 1074 01:05:59,706 --> 01:06:02,542 And it's just so hard to imagine that I'm doing this now. 1075 01:06:03,377 --> 01:06:05,128 It makes me sad. 1076 01:06:05,212 --> 01:06:07,589 It makes me sad for my boys. 1077 01:06:07,673 --> 01:06:09,216 So what I can do is put you on Wednesday, 1078 01:06:09,466 --> 01:06:12,052 which is December 1st, does that work for you? 1079 01:06:12,135 --> 01:06:15,389 Um, Wednesday. 1080 01:06:15,472 --> 01:06:17,099 Would you be able to come to our... 1081 01:06:20,686 --> 01:06:23,605 My mom told me that she was taking the end-of-life drugs... 1082 01:06:24,564 --> 01:06:27,526 and my whole world just collapsed. 1083 01:06:30,654 --> 01:06:32,322 I packed my bags... 1084 01:06:33,198 --> 01:06:36,326 drove through a blizzard... 1085 01:06:36,410 --> 01:06:39,788 and it was once again just her and I. 1086 01:06:39,871 --> 01:06:43,166 Embarking on this journey of end-of-life. 1087 01:06:43,250 --> 01:06:45,252 - It's go time. - Yeah, farewell. 1088 01:06:46,128 --> 01:06:47,754 It's gonna be a lot lighter. 1089 01:06:49,923 --> 01:06:51,258 Don't get 'em mixed up with the good hair. 1090 01:06:51,341 --> 01:06:53,719 Oh! 1091 01:06:54,010 --> 01:06:56,471 Whoa! 1092 01:06:57,931 --> 01:06:59,975 You do look wonderful. 1093 01:07:01,017 --> 01:07:04,187 Did you know that every living thing 1094 01:07:04,271 --> 01:07:07,274 is made up of tiny little guys called cells? 1095 01:07:07,357 --> 01:07:10,485 They make hearts pump, lungs breathe. 1096 01:07:12,696 --> 01:07:14,281 He's coming to the cancer party! 1097 01:07:14,364 --> 01:07:15,866 He's coming to the cancer party! 1098 01:07:16,408 --> 01:07:17,534 But every once in a while, 1099 01:07:17,826 --> 01:07:20,036 one of the cells forgets what its job is. 1100 01:07:20,120 --> 01:07:21,955 And since it doesn't know what else to do, 1101 01:07:22,247 --> 01:07:23,457 it decides to have a... 1102 01:07:23,749 --> 01:07:26,168 ...party! 1103 01:07:26,251 --> 01:07:28,420 Before long, it's a big party. 1104 01:07:47,939 --> 01:07:50,192 Okay, so I'm going to spray you a lot today, Kimmy. 1105 01:07:50,275 --> 01:07:52,027 And then going forward, if you don't wanna watch... 1106 01:07:53,612 --> 01:07:55,906 ♪ Here it ends ♪ 1107 01:07:57,574 --> 01:08:01,161 ♪ No one's gonna shed a tear ♪ 1108 01:08:01,453 --> 01:08:04,206 ♪ No need to shout ♪ 1109 01:08:05,665 --> 01:08:10,337 ♪ Just to stand the silence ♪ 1110 01:08:10,420 --> 01:08:12,506 That's where the medicine went into Mama. 1111 01:08:13,131 --> 01:08:14,174 Isn't that cool? 1112 01:08:14,466 --> 01:08:15,425 Do you have a hole there now? 1113 01:08:15,717 --> 01:08:16,802 Yeah, see? 1114 01:08:17,803 --> 01:08:20,013 ♪ Well spent time ♪ 1115 01:08:22,140 --> 01:08:25,852 ♪ In the early morning's haze ♪ 1116 01:08:26,144 --> 01:08:29,731 ♪ You sit and wait ♪ 1117 01:08:29,815 --> 01:08:33,652 ♪ Watching full glasses through blank eyes ♪ 1118 01:08:34,277 --> 01:08:38,031 ♪ This is not what you wanted ♪ 1119 01:08:38,323 --> 01:08:41,535 We have to go get Mommy on the airplane before she's late. 1120 01:08:42,494 --> 01:08:47,290 How do we shut the cancer party down? How? 1121 01:08:47,374 --> 01:08:49,459 Well, I have to keep going to the doctor. 1122 01:08:50,544 --> 01:08:54,256 ♪ This is not what you wanted ♪ 1123 01:08:54,339 --> 01:08:57,759 It's okay. 1124 01:08:58,343 --> 01:09:00,720 I just got out of the shower, and... 1125 01:09:01,721 --> 01:09:03,974 I'm losing my hair. 1126 01:09:04,266 --> 01:09:05,350 How are you feeling? 1127 01:09:06,393 --> 01:09:07,602 Okay. 1128 01:09:07,686 --> 01:09:09,104 You want what? 1129 01:09:09,187 --> 01:09:11,398 You're trying to get Koa's spoon, I know. 1130 01:09:13,191 --> 01:09:15,652 What? Okay. Oh look, he's sharing. Oh, thanks. 1131 01:09:15,735 --> 01:09:17,445 He'll give it back soon. 1132 01:09:18,405 --> 01:09:21,741 Parenting in the best of times, it's a challenge. 1133 01:09:22,033 --> 01:09:24,619 There's just not a lot of room for things to go wrong. 1134 01:09:25,495 --> 01:09:27,372 Sometimes you're just like, 1135 01:09:27,455 --> 01:09:29,624 I'm just gonna go through the day and try to survive. 1136 01:09:29,916 --> 01:09:31,626 Mommy! 1137 01:09:31,710 --> 01:09:33,712 But then, that emotional connection to a child 1138 01:09:34,004 --> 01:09:35,547 is life-sustaining. 1139 01:09:35,630 --> 01:09:37,465 Your hair is so prickly. 1140 01:09:38,425 --> 01:09:41,678 Your bandwidth is stretched. 1141 01:09:41,761 --> 01:09:46,224 Real motherhood is all of the feelings, all of the thoughts. 1142 01:09:47,309 --> 01:09:51,646 ♪ This is not what you wanted ♪ 1143 01:09:52,647 --> 01:09:55,066 We're washing all this 'cause Zeppy's sick, so we're gonna-- 1144 01:09:55,150 --> 01:09:56,610 Mommy can't get sick, so this is a big deal. 1145 01:09:56,902 --> 01:09:58,695 - Ask me to do stuff. - How-- How would I ask you? 1146 01:09:58,987 --> 01:10:00,530 What do you mean, you don't know how to ask me? 1147 01:10:00,822 --> 01:10:02,991 Mom, I thought we were going to that market. 1148 01:10:03,074 --> 01:10:04,534 Yeah, I would love to. I'm just stressed out. 1149 01:10:04,826 --> 01:10:06,578 I don't know. 1150 01:10:07,203 --> 01:10:09,456 This is not a hard issue. 1151 01:10:09,539 --> 01:10:10,832 Excuse me? I want that, too! 1152 01:10:11,124 --> 01:10:13,376 Nobody wants to help me. 1153 01:10:13,460 --> 01:10:14,961 When I ask for some help-- 1154 01:10:15,045 --> 01:10:16,212 This is torture. 1155 01:10:16,713 --> 01:10:18,423 Just fucking take me. 1156 01:10:18,506 --> 01:10:19,633 Mommy! Mommy! 1157 01:10:21,718 --> 01:10:22,969 Hey, Mom, just-- 1158 01:10:23,053 --> 01:10:24,721 I'm just wanting you to hold my feet. 1159 01:10:25,013 --> 01:10:26,097 I understand, honey, it just really hurts 1160 01:10:26,389 --> 01:10:27,682 when you kick my tummy. 1161 01:10:56,586 --> 01:10:57,629 Ah! 1162 01:11:11,184 --> 01:11:12,602 Do you want to help me make some food? 1163 01:11:13,645 --> 01:11:14,938 - No. - No. 1164 01:11:18,900 --> 01:11:19,859 Leg rest. 1165 01:11:24,698 --> 01:11:27,075 Do you think I should climb up that tree? 1166 01:11:27,367 --> 01:11:28,493 I mean, do you want to? 1167 01:11:28,785 --> 01:11:29,786 - Yeah. - Okay. 1168 01:11:31,121 --> 01:11:34,791 During those last days with my mom, 1169 01:11:35,291 --> 01:11:36,960 neither of us could sleep well. 1170 01:11:37,502 --> 01:11:39,546 So, we would go watch the sun rise. 1171 01:11:42,090 --> 01:11:44,050 We would talk, we would share stories. 1172 01:11:44,592 --> 01:11:45,719 Isn't that cool? 1173 01:11:45,802 --> 01:11:47,595 It was like being a kid again. 1174 01:11:48,054 --> 01:11:49,431 We had no schedule. 1175 01:11:49,681 --> 01:11:51,850 All we knew is that we wanted to be together. 1176 01:11:52,559 --> 01:11:54,477 And I asked my mom, 1177 01:11:54,561 --> 01:11:56,980 "How am I gonna know when you come back to visit me?" 1178 01:11:57,272 --> 01:12:00,150 She's like, "Oh, honey, I'm gonna be ringing bells so loud." 1179 01:12:01,860 --> 01:12:02,944 So cool! 1180 01:12:03,570 --> 01:12:07,032 And then, it was just time. 1181 01:12:10,869 --> 01:12:14,998 On the morning my mom died, she was meditating. 1182 01:12:16,541 --> 01:12:18,710 She did not want to die in pain. 1183 01:12:19,586 --> 01:12:22,380 She wanted to die on a joyous night... 1184 01:12:22,464 --> 01:12:23,506 Whoa! 1185 01:12:24,090 --> 01:12:26,009 ...after watching X Games. 1186 01:12:27,844 --> 01:12:30,346 With her closest friends and family around. 1187 01:12:31,014 --> 01:12:33,224 Oh, he's taking the stuff. 1188 01:12:33,516 --> 01:12:34,642 She wasn't scared. 1189 01:12:34,934 --> 01:12:36,144 Yeah! Whoa! 1190 01:12:36,436 --> 01:12:37,395 She was ready. 1191 01:12:39,314 --> 01:12:40,482 I was not ready. 1192 01:12:44,861 --> 01:12:46,488 Come on, Mommy. 1193 01:12:46,571 --> 01:12:48,156 Okay, I gotta get my skates on still. 1194 01:12:50,200 --> 01:12:52,243 I just want to take your picture a little bit. 1195 01:12:55,330 --> 01:12:58,333 I remember holding her wrist, and feeling her pulse. 1196 01:13:00,960 --> 01:13:02,754 If I said, "I love you," 1197 01:13:03,546 --> 01:13:05,298 her pulse would get stronger. 1198 01:13:06,549 --> 01:13:09,177 And I said, "It's okay to let go." 1199 01:13:09,260 --> 01:13:10,762 It would get fainter. 1200 01:13:11,054 --> 01:13:12,097 Thank you, Mom. 1201 01:13:12,388 --> 01:13:13,640 You're welcome. 1202 01:13:15,934 --> 01:13:17,519 And I felt like I was in this... 1203 01:13:18,394 --> 01:13:20,188 synchronicity with her. 1204 01:13:27,153 --> 01:13:28,196 And she let go. 1205 01:13:34,494 --> 01:13:35,787 The mother, 1206 01:13:36,913 --> 01:13:39,374 though in body she may not be here... 1207 01:13:40,834 --> 01:13:43,795 she is very much internalized, 1208 01:13:44,629 --> 01:13:47,423 and we're talking to her the whole time. 1209 01:13:50,051 --> 01:13:53,304 We will live on in our own children in the same way. 1210 01:13:54,013 --> 01:13:57,308 With each generation, I consider it a baton pass. 1211 01:13:58,309 --> 01:13:59,769 Not like, "Here, you take it," 1212 01:14:00,061 --> 01:14:02,230 but more like, "This is as far as I can get. 1213 01:14:02,313 --> 01:14:04,190 Now you take it a little bit further." 1214 01:14:37,098 --> 01:14:38,224 Pure joy... 1215 01:14:42,520 --> 01:14:43,938 is pure observation. 1216 01:14:50,445 --> 01:14:51,613 Pure joy... 1217 01:14:52,405 --> 01:14:53,990 is mindful balance. 1218 01:14:54,532 --> 01:14:55,867 He doesn't mind. 1219 01:14:57,202 --> 01:15:01,331 Pure joy is total acceptance. 1220 01:15:05,585 --> 01:15:09,589 Pure joy is peaceful completeness. 1221 01:15:14,469 --> 01:15:17,722 Pure joy is loving kindness. 1222 01:15:20,767 --> 01:15:25,271 Pure joy is right here, right now. 1223 01:15:25,355 --> 01:15:26,481 Cheers. 1224 01:15:36,157 --> 01:15:37,533 Balance on one foot. 1225 01:16:05,770 --> 01:16:07,230 Such a beautiful day. 1226 01:16:07,563 --> 01:16:08,606 Yeah! 1227 01:16:14,529 --> 01:16:15,822 The sun's coming up. 1228 01:16:18,574 --> 01:16:20,785 The world's turning pretty quickly. 1229 01:16:33,965 --> 01:16:35,216 We're surfing. 1230 01:16:35,300 --> 01:16:36,884 Do you see your Daddy? 1231 01:16:39,804 --> 01:16:41,597 Most people thought I was crazy 1232 01:16:41,931 --> 01:16:46,019 when I said I was going back to a competitive snowboard event. 1233 01:16:47,395 --> 01:16:50,690 I'd just finished treatment, but... 1234 01:16:50,982 --> 01:16:53,318 I wanted to feel like myself. 1235 01:17:01,868 --> 01:17:04,370 What's your favorite thing about Mommy? 1236 01:17:04,746 --> 01:17:07,373 - Cuddling! - Cuddling! 1237 01:17:08,583 --> 01:17:09,959 How about you? 1238 01:17:10,043 --> 01:17:12,378 Do you want to say, "I love my Mommy?" 1239 01:17:12,670 --> 01:17:13,838 Ta-da! 1240 01:17:14,130 --> 01:17:15,173 There you go. 1241 01:17:15,256 --> 01:17:16,549 I love you guys. 1242 01:17:16,632 --> 01:17:17,550 I miss you. 1243 01:17:17,842 --> 01:17:18,801 We love you, dear. 1244 01:17:20,386 --> 01:17:22,597 I'm still not sold that 1245 01:17:22,680 --> 01:17:25,850 I am capable of being a pro snowboarder and a mom. 1246 01:17:27,477 --> 01:17:30,855 But I believe we can do... 1247 01:17:32,440 --> 01:17:33,691 more than we think we can. 1248 01:17:35,193 --> 01:17:36,903 - Good morning. - Morning. 1249 01:17:37,195 --> 01:17:39,822 Hey. 1250 01:17:39,906 --> 01:17:41,491 Regardless of when I leave my kids, 1251 01:17:41,783 --> 01:17:43,117 I feel uncomfortable. 1252 01:17:44,202 --> 01:17:47,288 But it's a feeling I've learned how to sit with. 1253 01:17:48,581 --> 01:17:53,044 And I want my kids to bear witness to passion. 1254 01:17:54,003 --> 01:17:55,296 I want them to be able to ground themselves 1255 01:17:55,588 --> 01:17:56,964 in whatever makes them happy. 1256 01:18:00,134 --> 01:18:02,053 - Right here? - I think so. 1257 01:18:02,720 --> 01:18:03,805 Ready, full. 1258 01:18:04,097 --> 01:18:05,390 Take full. 1259 01:18:05,681 --> 01:18:09,727 Welcome to the 2023 Natural Selection Tour. 1260 01:18:10,019 --> 01:18:11,562 And we got 12 of the world's best snowboarders 1261 01:18:11,646 --> 01:18:13,356 that are going to take to this course. 1262 01:18:13,439 --> 01:18:14,732 Incredible! 1263 01:18:14,816 --> 01:18:16,025 Alaska is always that place 1264 01:18:16,317 --> 01:18:17,610 that really puts riders to the test, 1265 01:18:17,902 --> 01:18:18,986 both mentally and physically. 1266 01:18:21,614 --> 01:18:23,449 When I was being trained, 1267 01:18:23,533 --> 01:18:26,619 I was very interested in women who survived cancers. 1268 01:18:27,120 --> 01:18:29,997 If you survive a death-defying experience, 1269 01:18:30,081 --> 01:18:32,458 you're confronted with your mortality. 1270 01:18:32,542 --> 01:18:36,796 And you start to have a real reorientation, 1271 01:18:37,088 --> 01:18:38,172 a real mind change. 1272 01:18:42,343 --> 01:18:43,970 Kimmy Fasani up next, 1273 01:18:44,053 --> 01:18:46,514 a household name in snowboarding. 1274 01:18:46,806 --> 01:18:49,058 And this incredibly talented rider 1275 01:18:49,142 --> 01:18:52,270 is beginning a new chapter in her career. 1276 01:18:52,562 --> 01:18:54,522 Moms don't get the credit that they deserve. 1277 01:18:54,605 --> 01:18:56,899 Talk about real-world inspiration. 1278 01:18:58,401 --> 01:18:59,902 I spoke with Kimmy before, and she was 1279 01:18:59,986 --> 01:19:01,612 asking herself, "Am I ready?" 1280 01:19:01,696 --> 01:19:03,364 Am I physically ready to get back at this? 1281 01:19:03,656 --> 01:19:06,325 And her ultimate thought was, are we ever really ready? 1282 01:19:07,785 --> 01:19:10,621 We were curious whether that change would happen 1283 01:19:10,705 --> 01:19:12,874 with not only death-defying experiences, 1284 01:19:12,957 --> 01:19:15,084 but life-affirming experiences. 1285 01:19:15,376 --> 01:19:16,461 Like having children. 1286 01:19:17,753 --> 01:19:20,923 Whether that's through adoption, surrogacy, step-parenting, 1287 01:19:21,215 --> 01:19:24,552 a child can come into our life in many different ways. 1288 01:19:24,844 --> 01:19:27,847 And when I started talking to parents, 1289 01:19:28,139 --> 01:19:32,185 I heard the same story of this both-and experience, 1290 01:19:32,477 --> 01:19:33,895 tension of the opposites, 1291 01:19:33,978 --> 01:19:35,480 the deep grief, 1292 01:19:35,771 --> 01:19:38,608 the loss of the previous life as they knew it. 1293 01:19:38,691 --> 01:19:40,776 But also, this transformation. 1294 01:19:41,861 --> 01:19:44,864 They were getting deeper, and wider, 1295 01:19:45,156 --> 01:19:46,407 and better as humans. 1296 01:19:46,491 --> 01:19:48,451 We gotta cheer her on. It's live. 1297 01:19:48,534 --> 01:19:49,494 Here goes Mama. 1298 01:19:54,332 --> 01:19:55,958 I don't think I'll be the best version of myself 1299 01:19:56,250 --> 01:19:58,085 until the day I die. 1300 01:20:06,886 --> 01:20:07,929 Look at that angle. 1301 01:20:08,012 --> 01:20:09,639 Oh, my gosh, that is so gnarly. 1302 01:20:10,556 --> 01:20:12,975 Kimmy Fasani, in her element right now. 1303 01:20:15,728 --> 01:20:19,565 Whoa, that was absolutely massive. 1304 01:20:19,649 --> 01:20:24,153 This process of giving the self over... 1305 01:20:24,237 --> 01:20:26,864 to symbolic death and rebirth, 1306 01:20:27,490 --> 01:20:29,992 is the adventure. It's heroic. 1307 01:20:39,252 --> 01:20:40,628 It's one of the most incredible comebacks 1308 01:20:40,920 --> 01:20:42,171 in snowboarding history. 1309 01:20:42,255 --> 01:20:44,090 Oh, my God, that was so fun! 1310 01:20:45,383 --> 01:20:46,968 Holy shit. 1311 01:20:47,051 --> 01:20:48,928 I mean, sugar. 1312 01:20:55,142 --> 01:20:57,603 Ha! Got it! Ha! Ha! 1313 01:20:59,313 --> 01:21:01,232 Here, get me! Get me! 1314 01:21:01,732 --> 01:21:03,401 Yeah, that might even-- 1315 01:21:03,484 --> 01:21:05,570 Aah! Get it! 1316 01:21:05,861 --> 01:21:07,029 Oh! Oh, no! 1317 01:21:07,321 --> 01:21:09,407 - I got it! - Slam! Great, kiddo! 1318 01:21:26,090 --> 01:21:30,469 ♪ All of the time that we took for granted ♪ 1319 01:21:31,220 --> 01:21:35,141 ♪ Thinking tomorrow's just another day ♪ 1320 01:21:36,350 --> 01:21:40,855 ♪ Sun on your face with the windows open ♪ 1321 01:21:41,480 --> 01:21:46,569 ♪ I never got the chance to say ♪ 1322 01:21:49,238 --> 01:21:53,534 ♪ I know your wings are getting heavy ♪ 1323 01:21:56,162 --> 01:22:00,666 ♪ You can let go when you're ready ♪ 1324 01:22:01,208 --> 01:22:04,545 ♪ To fly ♪ 1325 01:22:04,629 --> 01:22:07,465 ♪ Fly ♪ 1326 01:22:08,049 --> 01:22:14,930 ♪ I know we'll meet between heaven and the sky ♪ 1327 01:22:15,014 --> 01:22:17,767 ♪ I... ♪ 1328 01:22:18,059 --> 01:22:20,853 ♪ I'll try ♪ 1329 01:22:21,729 --> 01:22:28,736 ♪ I'm gonna try to find the good after goodbye ♪ 1330 01:22:28,819 --> 01:22:30,321 ♪ Butterfly ♪ 1331 01:22:32,907 --> 01:22:37,161 ♪ You come down to visit your favorite flower ♪ 1332 01:22:38,245 --> 01:22:41,916 ♪ Catching the wind in the light of day ♪ 1333 01:22:43,209 --> 01:22:47,588 ♪ You keep sending me bittersweet reminders ♪ 1334 01:22:48,381 --> 01:22:53,219 ♪ Signs you're never really far away ♪ 1335 01:22:56,222 --> 01:23:00,267 ♪ You know I will always need you ♪ 1336 01:23:02,853 --> 01:23:07,775 ♪ I feel better when I see you ♪ 1337 01:23:08,109 --> 01:23:11,028 ♪ Fly ♪ 1338 01:23:11,529 --> 01:23:14,448 ♪ Fly ♪ 1339 01:23:14,990 --> 01:23:21,455 ♪ I know we'll meet between heaven and the sky ♪ 1340 01:23:21,956 --> 01:23:24,583 ♪ I... ♪ 1341 01:23:24,875 --> 01:23:28,003 ♪ I'll try ♪ 1342 01:23:28,629 --> 01:23:34,802 ♪ I'm gonna try to find the good after goodbye ♪ 1343 01:23:35,511 --> 01:23:38,639 ♪ Butterfly ♪ 1344 01:23:39,140 --> 01:23:42,143 ♪ Butterfly ♪ 1345 01:23:42,643 --> 01:23:44,645 ♪ Fly ♪ 1346 01:23:45,813 --> 01:23:48,065 ♪ 'Til next time ♪ 1347 01:23:49,233 --> 01:23:52,278 ♪ Butterfly ♪ 1348 01:23:52,695 --> 01:23:55,990 ♪ Butterfly ♪ 1349 01:23:56,365 --> 01:23:58,743 ♪ Fly ♪ 1350 01:23:59,452 --> 01:24:02,079 ♪ 'Til next time ♪ 1351 01:24:02,955 --> 01:24:04,749 ♪ Butterfly ♪