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Downloaded from
YTS.LT

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.LT

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Welcome.

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I'm going to star in a TRT series.

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That's the safest place.

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Welcome, friends.

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This performance is titled CMXXIV.

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As you can see up here.

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Let me explain what it means.

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Since I first started this set in 2024,
we call it "CM twenty-four."

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And the reason we spell it
with Roman numerals like X and stuff

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is that the Illuminati demand it.

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I was going to
put the "24" before the "CM,"

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but that could lead
to different expectations.

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Yes, ma'am, laugh it up.

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One thing I keep hearing is,

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"What do women see in him?"

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I don't know what they see in me, but…

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But I can tell you,

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they don't have to search for long
to find it.

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My friends,
I've been a stand-up comic for so long.

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It's been 30 years, give or take.

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Expectations are too high,
and my morale is too low.

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And my father said,

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"Son, things are chaotic.
Be careful who you let in."

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This is the way my dad thinks.

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As if he's sending
his 12-year-old son to work.

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"Be careful who you let in." Nonsense!

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My fans are a cut above the rest,

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but their expectations are high.

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Every single time.

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The word on the street

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is that Cem Yılmaz lost his touch.
Has anyone not heard that?

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"He lost it." "He's losing it."

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"I hope he loses it today
so we can see it."

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Dude, unless you see me on Survivor,

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there's still hope.

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If you see me
crawling on the ground for a biscuit,

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that's when you should know

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things aren't going great.

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Since we are living through ugly times,

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I'd like to give a little warning

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so that people don't feel insensitive.

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And these ugly times beget insensitivity.

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And I've suffered for it.

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In this country,
you can be accused of insensitivity

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if you happen to wake up a bit late.

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Let's say some fires broke out
in the Aegean region at 10:30 a.m.,

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you might wake up at 11:00 a.m.

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to some dude cussing at you
for not tweeting.

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I was asleep! I didn't do anything.

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I was fucking asleep, that's all.

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And you don't have friends or supporters
in this line of work.

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I saw my big brother just now.

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He and Zafer represent
the new generation of comedians.

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Have you seen their show?

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They perform live.
You need tickets and stuff.

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They're good. Go see them. Only 50 liras!

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That's the funniest part.

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I told him, "I'm excited
since we're recording today."

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And my brother said, "We'll hop on stage
if you struggle too much."

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But I said I didn't want
to give everyone a 4,000-lira refund.

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I was surprised by the sweet things
my son said to me this season.

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He's 13 now. He said,
"Good luck with your new season, Daddy."

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"I wish you a great European tour.
I heard you have 20 shows."

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He specified the number.

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And also mentioned
the America tour and everything.

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I guess he and his mother have plans.
They thought about everything.

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Too bad, right?

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I'm not doing that toxic joke.
Because people get mad.

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I made a few jokes
about child support payments.

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And people went,
"How dare he joke about that!"

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Dude, I'm paying it and joking about it.

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So I bought the copyright to the joke.

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And it was a good joke too, no doubt.

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They asked if I gave her alimony,

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and I replied
"Alimony? Yeah, all my money."

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Get it?

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I got divorced.

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How long has it been? About 13 years.

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I still get baffled
when I see couples in the audience.

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I'm not trying to talk you out of it,
but I'm single and very happy.

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You two are a couple, right?
How long has it been?

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-Eleven years.
-Eleven, huh? Do you have kids?

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-Two.
-God bless!

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May you see them thrive in life.

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Eleven years. So for the past ten years,
your toilet breaks have been extra long.

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It starts in the first year.
Playing Candy Crush and stuff.

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Men spend a lot of time on the toilet
after the first year.

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"Darling!" "Fuck your darling."

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Right?

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Remember this, sister?

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Do you smoke, brother?

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Be careful if you smoke on the toilet.
I need to warn you.

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You know how there's a little gap here?

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You flick your cigarette ash
into that gap.

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Be very careful when you do so.
I almost branded myself one time.

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Oh, dear.

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I'm baffled people are even together.

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How can I not be surprised?

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They resent and get mad at each other.

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Women and men are hostile to each other.

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They call my jokes toxic.

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Even misogynistic.

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"Toxic jokes…
Patriarchal discourse and toxic jokes!"

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What the hell is "toxic"?
They love to say it.

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What the hell is it?

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And they always use it on men.
"A toxic man."

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You know, in Turkish,

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"tok" means "well-fed,"
and "sik" means "dick."

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So when you call a Turkish man "toxic,"

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it's not possible he will feel insulted.

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"Ercan, you are toxic!"

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"I mean…"

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"Thank God."

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"I've indeed been keeping it well-fed."

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"It's not like
I just came back from military duty."

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They call everything toxic.

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If you like yourself a little,
they call you a narcissist.

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I'm single. Really.

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I'm comfortable at home.

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When you get home,

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she'll ask, "What made you laugh the most?
Did you like the show?"

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When I get home,
I'll drop my pants and wander around.

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I'll just watch John Wick 1,
John Wick 2, John Wick 3, John Wick 4…

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It's been a long time
since I spent time with a woman.

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I'm not a hater,
but it's tough with women.

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Do we have any new couples here?
New experiences and stuff?

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Tell me, how do you
maintain your relationship?

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I'm extremely curious about that.
I can't do it at my age.

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You date a 38-year-old woman,

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and they say you found "a young lover."

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She is 38!
She's on her deathbed, for fuck's sake!

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Women don't understand questions.

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You ask, "What would I do without you?"
And she finds it romantic.

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No, it's an actual question.
"What kind of things could I do?"

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Yeah…

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You ask, "What did I do to deserve you?"
and she melts!

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No, it's a fucking question.

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"What the fuck did I do to deserve you?"

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I shattered all your hopes. Go me!

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I'm divorced. I have a son.
I'm very happy.

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My son spent a lot of time with me
this summer.

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He's a teenage boy,
so he likes spending time with adults.

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Learning new jargon,
doing new things, and stuff.

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I got very excited and thought to myself,
"We had so much fun!"

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And then something happened
that I never expected to happen to me.

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I thought, "I entertained him a lot
and will do so for years to come."

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"And it's expensive too."

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"But will he take care of me
in the future?"

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Do you get the same feeling?

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"He should become a doctor
and take care of me."

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I didn't use to think that way,

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but it crept up on me slowly.

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And I asked him,
"Look, we're having all this fun."

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"So when your uncle and I get old,

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will you take care of us?"

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He replied, "If you are in dire need."

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That little fucker plans to wet our lips
with cotton balls as we're dying.

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In moments like that,
I want him to read my lips.

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"Turkish Soldiers' Foundation."

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"Turkish Education Association." Exactly.

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I can just donate my estate to them.

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He and his mother will open my will
and see a cucumber in the envelope.

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I won't bat an eye.

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My own flesh and blood!
You know what he did?

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Have you heard of a website
called "Celebrity Net Worth"?

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No? Let's get a new audience.

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This Celebrity Net Worth website
contains some trivia.

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They show you
how much money people have, supposedly.

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"What's Michael Jordan's net worth?"
"2.5 billion dollars."

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"How much does Céline Dion make?"
And it tells you.

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My son came up to me and said,

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"Dad, we looked you up
on Celebrity Net Worth."

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Flesh and blood.

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I said, "Why even?"

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He and his friends looked me up.

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And he says, "Dad, we looked it up.
You have 20 million dollars."

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I got so demoralized.

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Either the website didn't make it
past the Digital Apocalypse of '99,

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or they've been
looking at another comedian.

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"Are you crazy?" I said.
"I'm carrying 20 mil on me right now."

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Then I realized 20 is a lot.

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I asked,
"Does your mom know about the website?"

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I actually asked about it.

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I'm really baffled that you're together.

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Because, let me be blunt here,

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people despise each other nowadays.

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There's animosity between men and women.

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And between employees and employers.

191
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People are really fed up with each other.

192
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And with everything that's going on…

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If you take some time for yourself,

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you become an insensitive person
who is oblivious to what's going on.

195
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Because hot topics change rapidly.

196
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So many things to talk about.
So I feel dejected.

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And it bothers me

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that among all of this,
irrelevant topics make the headlines.

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They were saying the other day,

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"Artificial intelligence will
take our jobs."

201
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What jobs?

202
00:10:32,250 --> 00:10:35,166
The unemployment rate in Türkiye
is like 30%.

203
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AI would need a fucking relative
in the government to get a job in Türkiye.

204
00:10:39,791 --> 00:10:42,416
It'd say, "Connect me
to one of your router friends."

205
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Who, pray tell, is at risk
of having their job replaced by AI?

206
00:10:47,791 --> 00:10:50,125
I don't have that fear. Who does?

207
00:10:51,500 --> 00:10:53,083
You all need a good night's sleep.

208
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It's Tuesday.
This is how the audience members look.

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"For fuck's sake, Cem!
Tell the joke, don't make us work for it."

210
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"Artificial intelligence will control us."

211
00:11:06,375 --> 00:11:08,291
They're not afraid of intelligence…

212
00:11:08,375 --> 00:11:10,500
It's always been the case

213
00:11:10,583 --> 00:11:15,000
that intelligent and hard-working peoples
ruled over the rest.

214
00:11:15,083 --> 00:11:18,375
Either with evil intentions or otherwise.

215
00:11:18,458 --> 00:11:21,125
But we are always so passive.

216
00:11:21,208 --> 00:11:23,625
I'm surprised that they're surprised.

217
00:11:23,708 --> 00:11:26,708
Inventing gunpowder
lets you get ahead of other people.

218
00:11:26,791 --> 00:11:30,083
You invent the steam engine,
go through the Industrial Revolution…

219
00:11:30,166 --> 00:11:33,416
Of course, those who work on that stuff
will play us like a fiddle.

220
00:11:33,500 --> 00:11:35,291
Why are you surprised?

221
00:11:35,375 --> 00:11:37,625
"Artificial intelligence will control us."

222
00:11:37,708 --> 00:11:40,958
So you don't care that intelligence
controls you, only that it's artificial.

223
00:11:41,041 --> 00:11:44,666
I saw this woman on TV talking about AI.

224
00:11:44,750 --> 00:11:48,666
She seemed to be concerned
only about the artificiality of it.

225
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"Artificial intelligence
will take all our jobs away."

226
00:11:51,750 --> 00:11:56,125
Fake lips, breast implants,
Brazilian butt lift…

227
00:11:56,958 --> 00:11:59,041
And she says, "AI will take over!"

228
00:11:59,125 --> 00:12:02,250
Silicon Valley has taken over you already!

229
00:12:02,791 --> 00:12:04,291
Why do you care?

230
00:12:04,375 --> 00:12:08,375
Also, why do we have
such grandiose talking points?

231
00:12:08,458 --> 00:12:10,166
"What will AI do to us?"

232
00:12:10,250 --> 00:12:13,875
Dude, we still haven't figured out
how this orange lighter works.

233
00:12:14,375 --> 00:12:18,125
Forget AI! Has anybody figured this out?
Tell me if you have!

234
00:12:18,208 --> 00:12:20,250
This. How does this enter our homes?

235
00:12:20,333 --> 00:12:22,041
Has anyone ever bought one?

236
00:12:24,333 --> 00:12:26,500
How do they find their way into our homes?

237
00:12:27,083 --> 00:12:31,041
I swear to God!
I have 20 Duponts, and I also have this.

238
00:12:31,541 --> 00:12:34,375
It also has a blue brother.

239
00:12:35,583 --> 00:12:36,583
These are people.

240
00:12:36,666 --> 00:12:39,708
They leave the factory
to get some fresh air.

241
00:12:40,833 --> 00:12:42,000
Even this perplexes us.

242
00:12:42,083 --> 00:12:44,875
It must be some kind of listening device.

243
00:12:44,958 --> 00:12:47,625
This will fuck us over at some point.

244
00:12:49,833 --> 00:12:52,208
I have a lot of compassion for people.

245
00:12:52,291 --> 00:12:54,666
One wouldn't do comedy
without compassion anyway.

246
00:12:54,750 --> 00:12:59,458
And our people are usually
the kind that deserve compassion.

247
00:12:59,541 --> 00:13:02,375
Most of them are good people.

248
00:13:02,458 --> 00:13:04,791
But that compassion stops

249
00:13:04,875 --> 00:13:07,666
when you watch a street interview.

250
00:13:07,750 --> 00:13:09,125
You feel disheartened.

251
00:13:09,208 --> 00:13:10,500
I often get this criticism,

252
00:13:10,583 --> 00:13:14,250
"He doesn't walk the streets much,
so he doesn't get to observe people."

253
00:13:14,333 --> 00:13:17,500
Do you want me to get stabbed in Fikirtepe
just to make you laugh?

254
00:13:18,791 --> 00:13:22,541
As if Dostoevsky owned
a tobacco shop in Esenyurt!

255
00:13:23,333 --> 00:13:25,875
I haven't walked on a street
in the past 25 years!

256
00:13:25,958 --> 00:13:28,125
Even as a kid, I did so rarely.

257
00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:30,125
But I know my people.

258
00:13:30,208 --> 00:13:34,125
Turkish people don't care about themselves
or what's actually going on.

259
00:13:34,208 --> 00:13:35,375
They focus on big stuff.

260
00:13:35,458 --> 00:13:38,166
"There is a big conspiracy going on
against Türkiye!"

261
00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:39,375
Always with this tone.

262
00:13:39,458 --> 00:13:44,000
"They didn't actually land on the Moon."
Okay, fuck it, they didn't.

263
00:13:44,708 --> 00:13:46,500
The other day, I heard someone say…

264
00:13:46,583 --> 00:13:48,750
A member of the Rothschild family died.

265
00:13:48,833 --> 00:13:52,791
And he said, "A Rothschild has died.
May he burn in hell!"

266
00:13:52,875 --> 00:13:54,833
He makes window shutters in Sarıyer.

267
00:13:55,916 --> 00:13:58,375
What could've the Rothschilds done to you?

268
00:13:58,916 --> 00:14:02,250
Did they order shutters and not pay?
What could it be?

269
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,791
Turkish people
always look at the big stuff.

270
00:14:06,291 --> 00:14:09,291
So they have no time left for themselves.

271
00:14:09,375 --> 00:14:11,791
You guys have been on social media
for a long time.

272
00:14:11,875 --> 00:14:14,166
I distanced myself from it.
I quit social media.

273
00:14:14,250 --> 00:14:17,500
On Instagram, people say stuff like,
"Why did you disable comments?"

274
00:14:17,583 --> 00:14:19,083
I was about to lose my mind.

275
00:14:19,166 --> 00:14:21,791
I always see midgets on Instagram.

276
00:14:23,958 --> 00:14:28,083
I don't know if it's because of
my location or the algorithm,

277
00:14:28,166 --> 00:14:31,166
but I keep seeing lots of midgets. Why?

278
00:14:31,250 --> 00:14:33,958
I swear to God,
I didn't know there were that many.

279
00:14:35,166 --> 00:14:37,625
When I was young, we only had seven.

280
00:14:38,125 --> 00:14:41,083
Now it's married midgets,
javelin throwing midgets,

281
00:14:41,166 --> 00:14:43,083
dancing midget family, and such.

282
00:14:43,916 --> 00:14:45,916
They said I needed to break the algorithm.

283
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:49,583
So I thought about it
and started looking at Brazilian butts.

284
00:14:50,250 --> 00:14:52,083
You know, to break the algorithm.

285
00:14:52,166 --> 00:14:54,708
And all devices are synchronized.

286
00:14:55,208 --> 00:14:58,083
You get sick of midgets on Instagram
and open Spotify.

287
00:14:58,166 --> 00:15:00,500
And right away, it plays Yalın for you.

288
00:15:02,791 --> 00:15:05,166
No way this joke will reach the balcony.

289
00:15:06,166 --> 00:15:07,625
It falls a bit short.

290
00:15:10,541 --> 00:15:12,791
I'm really fed up.

291
00:15:12,875 --> 00:15:14,875
I wanted to spend some time on myself.

292
00:15:14,958 --> 00:15:19,041
And you know how there's this notion
of dedicating yourself to work?

293
00:15:19,125 --> 00:15:21,375
I decided to do that,
and to get healthier.

294
00:15:21,458 --> 00:15:23,291
I have a bit of an edema, see?

295
00:15:24,833 --> 00:15:26,791
I was so demoralized…

296
00:15:26,875 --> 00:15:29,625
I got a check-up
at the start of the season

297
00:15:29,708 --> 00:15:31,500
to see if I had any issues.

298
00:15:31,583 --> 00:15:32,833
The doctor said to me,

299
00:15:32,916 --> 00:15:35,458
"Let me say this from the get-go.
Quit drinking."

300
00:15:35,541 --> 00:15:39,166
I said, "I don't drink that much."
He said, "I see you on Instagram."

301
00:15:40,083 --> 00:15:43,625
Everybody thinks we drink a lot.
That's weird, but whatever.

302
00:15:43,708 --> 00:15:46,916
He then told me
to get more sleep and stuff.

303
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:48,750
He suggested an app.

304
00:15:48,833 --> 00:15:50,458
The application…

305
00:15:50,541 --> 00:15:53,791
The app is not just for your phone,
but also for your watch.

306
00:15:53,875 --> 00:15:56,500
You know those sleep helper applications?

307
00:16:00,458 --> 00:16:03,958
Fuck me
if I ever ask you anything ever again.

308
00:16:04,041 --> 00:16:06,291
Don't you know those apps?

309
00:16:06,375 --> 00:16:08,166
They list all your sleep events.

310
00:16:08,250 --> 00:16:11,833
"Coughing at 2:00 a.m.
Breathing difficulties at 3:00 a.m."

311
00:16:12,333 --> 00:16:13,833
You don't even have those?

312
00:16:15,291 --> 00:16:18,125
Does everyone here live on welfare?

313
00:16:18,791 --> 00:16:21,333
"Oh, Mr. Cem, we wouldn't dream of those!"

314
00:16:25,708 --> 00:16:28,250
"Stopped breathing.
Rolled onto your side. Coughed."

315
00:16:28,333 --> 00:16:30,208
"Farted at 3:00 a.m."

316
00:16:30,291 --> 00:16:32,708
"Should we report it to Apple?" and stuff.

317
00:16:33,500 --> 00:16:35,250
That's such a private thing.

318
00:16:35,333 --> 00:16:38,625
I bought it to make things easier,
but it robbed me of my privacy.

319
00:16:38,708 --> 00:16:41,083
Tell me, sir.
Does this happen in a marriage?

320
00:16:41,166 --> 00:16:44,416
A morning report of
who farted, who didn't fart, who burped?

321
00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:47,041
You don't even share that
with your spouse.

322
00:16:47,125 --> 00:16:50,041
And since all devices are synchronized…

323
00:16:50,125 --> 00:16:54,333
The watch beeps and gives you
a list of what happened last night.

324
00:16:54,416 --> 00:16:55,958
Not everything, of course…

325
00:16:56,666 --> 00:16:57,666
"Last night's report."

326
00:16:57,750 --> 00:17:00,833
"Farted at 3:16 a.m." Okay, fine, got it.

327
00:17:00,916 --> 00:17:03,125
You move on to the tablet, and it beeps,

328
00:17:03,208 --> 00:17:05,208
"Dude, the watch just told me

329
00:17:05,291 --> 00:17:07,333
that you farted at 4:00 a.m."

330
00:17:07,416 --> 00:17:09,875
Where does this end?

331
00:17:10,833 --> 00:17:12,541
I hop on the computer to work,

332
00:17:12,625 --> 00:17:14,541
and it flashes, "I heard what happened."

333
00:17:15,583 --> 00:17:19,041
"Are you going to tell me that I farted?"
"No, I have certain videos…"

334
00:17:20,875 --> 00:17:22,375
Unbelievable!

335
00:17:24,375 --> 00:17:27,458
See what I'm dealing with
just because of a little edema?

336
00:17:27,541 --> 00:17:28,958
That's why I quit social media.

337
00:17:29,041 --> 00:17:31,541
What does it even offer anymore?

338
00:17:31,625 --> 00:17:35,500
We are all fed up with make-up tutorials,
the ass jiggling, all that stuff.

339
00:17:35,583 --> 00:17:39,333
I hope you learned
how to do your make-up by now.

340
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:41,708
I swear to God!

341
00:17:41,791 --> 00:17:43,333
How complicated could it be?

342
00:17:43,416 --> 00:17:45,458
"See? Like this. Do this."

343
00:17:46,291 --> 00:17:50,125
As a professional male of 52 years…
You agree, right?

344
00:17:50,208 --> 00:17:54,541
We don't pay attention to it at all.
Why are women so into it?

345
00:17:54,625 --> 00:17:56,458
"I contour like this."

346
00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:59,083
All these years, never have I ever

347
00:17:59,166 --> 00:18:01,416
looked at a woman and gone,

348
00:18:01,500 --> 00:18:03,791
"I fucking love the way she contoured!"

349
00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:06,208
"Incredible shading!"

350
00:18:07,583 --> 00:18:10,333
Why do they put so much effort into it?

351
00:18:11,250 --> 00:18:12,708
You learned it, right?

352
00:18:13,500 --> 00:18:15,291
You got it.

353
00:18:17,541 --> 00:18:20,958
After all those tutorials,
this is the fucking result? Jeez.

354
00:18:22,416 --> 00:18:25,291
Oh, dear…

355
00:18:25,375 --> 00:18:28,416
I'm telling you,
they turn people against each other.

356
00:18:29,125 --> 00:18:32,375
"You are the average
of the five people you see the most."

357
00:18:32,458 --> 00:18:34,166
What the hell is this?

358
00:18:34,250 --> 00:18:37,041
It's already hard sifting through people

359
00:18:37,125 --> 00:18:38,708
to spend some time with them.

360
00:18:38,791 --> 00:18:42,250
And now they came up with this bullshit.
"Average of the five…"

361
00:18:42,333 --> 00:18:45,083
Now people look at others
to see who weighs down the average.

362
00:18:45,708 --> 00:18:48,041
"Don't invite Nevzat next time!"

363
00:18:48,708 --> 00:18:52,333
I spend time with almost no one.

364
00:18:52,416 --> 00:18:55,916
Honestly, I barely see anyone.

365
00:18:56,500 --> 00:18:59,666
And yes,
I don't usually walk the streets either.

366
00:18:59,750 --> 00:19:02,583
Like I said, I have a private life.

367
00:19:02,666 --> 00:19:05,875
I do see people on the street
in my neighborhood…

368
00:19:06,375 --> 00:19:09,375
I live nearby, in Levent.

369
00:19:09,458 --> 00:19:11,791
I'm talking about the 1st Levent.
The real one.

370
00:19:12,666 --> 00:19:15,250
Someone shouted the other day,
"I live in Levent too!"

371
00:19:15,333 --> 00:19:17,333
"Which Levent?"
"The sixth one!"

372
00:19:17,833 --> 00:19:20,250
The part of Levent
that's all in your head.

373
00:19:21,500 --> 00:19:25,083
What kind of bullshit are you spewing?
That's Eyüp, not 6th Levent.

374
00:19:25,875 --> 00:19:28,416
That's like calling Esenler
the central Etiler.

375
00:19:30,875 --> 00:19:33,458
I do take strolls around my neighborhood.

376
00:19:33,541 --> 00:19:35,000
I do step outside.

377
00:19:35,083 --> 00:19:37,250
I do see people.

378
00:19:37,333 --> 00:19:41,333
When the political climate gets heated,
we tend to get stigmatized,

379
00:19:41,416 --> 00:19:43,291
they try to put us in a box.

380
00:19:43,375 --> 00:19:45,541
I want to make some political jokes,

381
00:19:45,625 --> 00:19:49,166
but I don't want my classic Mercedeses
to be turned into police cars.

382
00:19:57,583 --> 00:19:59,833
Thanks! I'm going to be on TRT next week.

383
00:20:02,083 --> 00:20:04,666
I took a cab the other day.
I know enough Arabic for it.

384
00:20:07,458 --> 00:20:09,000
The taxi driver said…

385
00:20:09,083 --> 00:20:11,333
Yeah, if you are new to Istanbul,

386
00:20:11,416 --> 00:20:13,750
you should download the app at MyArab.com.

387
00:20:14,916 --> 00:20:17,750
It's like Uber,
but it shows you the nearest Arab.

388
00:20:18,666 --> 00:20:22,041
If an Arab is closer to you
than a taxi stand, you stand by the Arab.

389
00:20:23,333 --> 00:20:25,916
The taxi comes and picks you up.

390
00:20:30,166 --> 00:20:35,416
The taxi driver said to me,
"Why don't they put you on TV series?"

391
00:20:38,041 --> 00:20:39,958
It really got to me.

392
00:20:40,458 --> 00:20:43,083
I asked him,
"What series would they put me in?"

393
00:20:43,166 --> 00:20:44,958
Imagine me going…

394
00:20:49,166 --> 00:20:52,500
I can't even give a poster-worthy pose,
for fuck's sake.

395
00:20:53,333 --> 00:20:56,166
They wouldn't give me a good role, right?

396
00:20:56,250 --> 00:20:58,416
At least not a great sultan.

397
00:20:58,500 --> 00:21:02,041
No Bayezid or Murad for me,
that's for sure.

398
00:21:02,125 --> 00:21:04,375
Maybe, just maybe,
I can get Cem Sultan's role.

399
00:21:05,041 --> 00:21:08,125
He fled to Rhodes
and sought refuge with the Pope.

400
00:21:08,208 --> 00:21:10,291
Some assholery is going on there,

401
00:21:11,416 --> 00:21:13,333
so I might be a good fit.

402
00:21:13,416 --> 00:21:17,916
I've been in the same neighborhood,
voting in the same place for years.

403
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:19,416
An elementary school in Levent.

404
00:21:19,500 --> 00:21:21,750
They take our photos sometimes…

405
00:21:22,250 --> 00:21:24,541
Not sometimes, almost always!

406
00:21:24,625 --> 00:21:27,666
They caption it,
"He cracks everyone up at the ballot box."

407
00:21:28,208 --> 00:21:30,458
What did I do to crack everyone up?

408
00:21:30,541 --> 00:21:34,416
Maybe they found it funny
that I cast my last vote for Kılıçdaroğlu.

409
00:21:36,250 --> 00:21:37,125
I mean…

410
00:21:41,750 --> 00:21:44,666
How much power do I even have?
As much as you.

411
00:21:44,750 --> 00:21:47,375
It only makes a difference
if we come together.

412
00:21:47,458 --> 00:21:51,291
Even at the ballot box,
they make light of it.

413
00:21:51,375 --> 00:21:53,833
"He made people laugh!"
I didn't do anything.

414
00:21:53,916 --> 00:21:56,875
I just put my ballot in.
What do we do when casting our votes?

415
00:21:56,958 --> 00:21:58,125
We put our ballots in.

416
00:21:58,208 --> 00:22:00,708
And we say, since we're reasonable people,

417
00:22:00,791 --> 00:22:03,916
"Whoever wins,
I hope it works out for our country."

418
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,250
That's the end of it, right? Wrong!

419
00:22:06,333 --> 00:22:09,166
A random auntie on the street
sees you and says,

420
00:22:09,250 --> 00:22:12,041
"You called us sheep,
and we shipped you away!"

421
00:22:17,208 --> 00:22:18,416
Auntie…

422
00:22:19,500 --> 00:22:21,875
Why take it out on me?

423
00:22:21,958 --> 00:22:25,708
I'm one of the softest people
you can find. Why get mad at me?

424
00:22:25,791 --> 00:22:29,625
I admit that I think differently than you,
but I'm such an easy-going guy.

425
00:22:29,708 --> 00:22:31,416
"Call us sheep, get shipped!"

426
00:22:31,500 --> 00:22:33,500
Would I ever call you sheep?

427
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:35,666
Does that sound like me at all?

428
00:22:35,750 --> 00:22:38,583
And she walks so slow
that she stays in my face forever.

429
00:22:43,416 --> 00:22:47,291
Back when I was younger,
zombies in movies walked just as slow.

430
00:22:47,375 --> 00:22:49,875
And if she gets offended
by being called a zombie… Good.

431
00:22:50,916 --> 00:22:54,375
In zombie movies,
zombies walk toward you slowly.

432
00:22:54,458 --> 00:22:57,375
What the hell is that?
Is that even a threat?

433
00:22:57,458 --> 00:22:59,625
I thought about it as a kid all the time.

434
00:22:59,708 --> 00:23:01,958
A dead person is walking toward you.

435
00:23:02,041 --> 00:23:03,833
So fucking what? "Graah!"

436
00:23:04,500 --> 00:23:06,791
"'Grah' what, motherfucker? Go away."

437
00:23:07,708 --> 00:23:10,041
I'm alive and agile. Why should I care?

438
00:23:10,791 --> 00:23:12,625
Why are zombies a threat?

439
00:23:14,041 --> 00:23:15,750
Because there's a swarm of them!

440
00:23:16,291 --> 00:23:18,166
And there are more aunties like her.

441
00:23:20,750 --> 00:23:22,625
And there's a dilemma in zombie movies.

442
00:23:22,708 --> 00:23:24,791
You can't shoot the person you love.

443
00:23:24,875 --> 00:23:25,916
You know?

444
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:27,708
Your loved one turns into a zombie.

445
00:23:27,791 --> 00:23:31,291
You go, "Jennifer, no!"
She goes, "Grahh!"

446
00:23:31,375 --> 00:23:33,041
"Shoot her, Mike!"
"That's Jennifer!"

447
00:23:33,125 --> 00:23:35,708
Is she even Jennifer anymore?
She's all fucked up.

448
00:23:36,416 --> 00:23:37,666
"I can't shoot Jennifer!"

449
00:23:37,750 --> 00:23:39,958
In the same vein,
how can I shoot the auntie?

450
00:23:43,666 --> 00:23:45,625
I lack the harshness some have.

451
00:23:45,708 --> 00:23:47,875
I choose to be a reasonable person.

452
00:23:47,958 --> 00:23:51,833
Let me tell you about harshness.
If there's a zombie outbreak in Türkiye…

453
00:23:51,916 --> 00:23:54,000
People are already
at each other's throats.

454
00:23:54,083 --> 00:23:56,875
They would fucking crush the dead.

455
00:23:56,958 --> 00:24:00,125
You'd go out of your way
to bash their skulls in.

456
00:24:00,208 --> 00:24:03,000
"Is that Burhan? Motherfucker!"

457
00:24:03,500 --> 00:24:05,333
You'd see it as an opportunity

458
00:24:06,541 --> 00:24:08,416
that he's turned into a zombie.

459
00:24:09,375 --> 00:24:11,125
There's too much fighting.

460
00:24:11,208 --> 00:24:14,375
We're in the year 2025!

461
00:24:14,458 --> 00:24:18,750
And we still haven't stopped arguing
about animals, let alone people.

462
00:24:18,833 --> 00:24:21,416
How is there still debate in the year 2025

463
00:24:21,500 --> 00:24:24,166
about whether
we should love cats and dogs?

464
00:24:24,250 --> 00:24:25,583
Is that even a question?

465
00:24:25,666 --> 00:24:27,916
"Should we kick street cats?"

466
00:24:28,625 --> 00:24:30,958
"Should we do it?" What the fuck is this?

467
00:24:31,041 --> 00:24:32,458
That's what they're debating!

468
00:24:32,541 --> 00:24:36,666
Remember how everyone tried
to prove their love for animals?

469
00:24:36,750 --> 00:24:39,458
Istanbul is a city of cats and dogs.

470
00:24:39,541 --> 00:24:43,333
But some people end up
having to bear the brunt of it.

471
00:24:43,416 --> 00:24:45,958
But the debates
are always between psychopaths.

472
00:24:46,041 --> 00:24:47,666
At one extreme, an animal hater

473
00:24:47,750 --> 00:24:51,583
who thinks, "Since I'm already walking,
I should kick that."

474
00:24:51,666 --> 00:24:53,041
That kind of maniac.

475
00:24:53,125 --> 00:24:56,458
And at the other extreme,
those who despise human beings.

476
00:24:56,958 --> 00:25:00,625
So we're stuck
between a rock and a hard place.

477
00:25:00,708 --> 00:25:04,833
Have you seen that video
of a woman with her pit bull?

478
00:25:04,916 --> 00:25:08,458
Her pit bull is
literally eating a street cat.

479
00:25:08,541 --> 00:25:10,125
When people alert her, she goes,

480
00:25:10,208 --> 00:25:12,916
"These poor animals
are God's voiceless creatures."

481
00:25:13,416 --> 00:25:15,375
The pit bull is fucking shit up.

482
00:25:16,333 --> 00:25:20,250
And she is romanticizing it
by calling them "voiceless creatures"

483
00:25:20,333 --> 00:25:22,333
or "our four-legged friends."

484
00:25:22,416 --> 00:25:23,958
Everything can sound innocent.

485
00:25:24,041 --> 00:25:26,000
"This Glock is
God's barreled iron friend."

486
00:25:26,083 --> 00:25:27,125
The fuck is this?

487
00:25:28,041 --> 00:25:29,416
Can you believe it?

488
00:25:31,083 --> 00:25:33,583
You can't even love animals in peace.

489
00:25:33,666 --> 00:25:36,875
I'm telling you. On every issue,
it's the psychopaths who debate.

490
00:25:36,958 --> 00:25:38,208
Always two extremes.

491
00:25:38,291 --> 00:25:42,166
And reasonable people watch
from the sidelines like it's Wimbledon.

492
00:25:42,250 --> 00:25:43,500
That sucks, right?

493
00:25:43,583 --> 00:25:45,125
I have two Kangal dogs.

494
00:25:45,208 --> 00:25:48,708
Let me tell you the story
of how we almost got beaten up in Germany.

495
00:25:48,791 --> 00:25:53,250
I have two Kangals. The male is 90 kilos,
and the female is about 65.

496
00:25:53,333 --> 00:25:56,583
And a neighbor had two small dogs,
Cookie and Lucky.

497
00:25:57,458 --> 00:26:00,125
They wore vests and bow ties.

498
00:26:00,625 --> 00:26:04,041
And my Kangals looked like
they just arrived from Sivas.

499
00:26:06,375 --> 00:26:09,833
Kangal owners would know,
they give you this look when chained.

500
00:26:11,791 --> 00:26:15,416
"A metal chain, right?
Dude, you are so naive."

501
00:26:15,500 --> 00:26:18,541
"Please, go ahead and chain me.
I don't mind."

502
00:26:18,625 --> 00:26:21,875
Around 3:00 a.m., Cookie and Lucky

503
00:26:22,666 --> 00:26:24,208
hopped the fence

504
00:26:24,750 --> 00:26:28,583
and our Kangals were amazed
to see dogs with bow ties.

505
00:26:29,625 --> 00:26:32,000
"Why the hell are they wearing bow ties?"

506
00:26:32,500 --> 00:26:35,750
And these little ones
were barking at 3:00 a.m.

507
00:26:35,833 --> 00:26:39,500
But the Kangals were busy figuring out
how to make a living in Istanbul.

508
00:26:40,583 --> 00:26:43,875
"Should we become airport taxi drivers?"

509
00:26:44,375 --> 00:26:46,125
When they kept barking like this.

510
00:26:46,666 --> 00:26:49,041
At some point, our boy had enough

511
00:26:49,125 --> 00:26:52,041
and said, "Dude, just go away."

512
00:26:52,125 --> 00:26:55,041
But they kept barking,
so he said fuck it and…

513
00:26:55,625 --> 00:27:00,041
I felt like a murderer.
I ran there as fast I could.

514
00:27:00,125 --> 00:27:01,833
It's my responsibility after all.

515
00:27:01,916 --> 00:27:05,000
You know how people ask,
"Does the dog bite?"

516
00:27:05,083 --> 00:27:07,625
"No, he sits down to debate you!"

517
00:27:08,416 --> 00:27:10,083
Of course it bites!

518
00:27:10,583 --> 00:27:14,541
Dogs communicate with their mouths.
So yeah, of course they bite!

519
00:27:15,041 --> 00:27:17,250
You know how it is.
You're walking the dog.

520
00:27:17,333 --> 00:27:18,416
"Does he bite?"

521
00:27:18,500 --> 00:27:19,750
Ask the dog!

522
00:27:21,708 --> 00:27:23,333
Do you ask the dog about me?

523
00:27:24,125 --> 00:27:26,500
"Does he give you hope
and then leave you?"

524
00:27:27,458 --> 00:27:29,125
Does that ever happen? No.

525
00:27:30,125 --> 00:27:31,125
Now…

526
00:27:33,208 --> 00:27:36,000
These little dogs
got themselves in trouble.

527
00:27:36,083 --> 00:27:37,541
Barking like this.

528
00:27:37,625 --> 00:27:39,000
I felt like a murderer.

529
00:27:39,083 --> 00:27:42,333
I was told it was a gnarly scene,

530
00:27:42,416 --> 00:27:44,458
"Your dogs roughed up the neighbor's."

531
00:27:44,541 --> 00:27:47,625
I felt like a murderer.
And that's the normal reaction.

532
00:27:47,708 --> 00:27:49,833
I apologized profusely

533
00:27:49,916 --> 00:27:52,416
and asked what I should've done better.

534
00:27:52,500 --> 00:27:56,333
And the guy was really nice.
He said, "It's our fault, Mr. Cem."

535
00:27:56,416 --> 00:28:00,708
"Our fence is apparently too low.
It is our dogs who broke free."

536
00:28:00,791 --> 00:28:03,541
"They hopped the fence
into almost certain death."

537
00:28:05,291 --> 00:28:06,833
I asked to see Cookie.

538
00:28:06,916 --> 00:28:09,333
He said, "He won't shit today,
maybe tomorrow."

539
00:28:11,416 --> 00:28:14,625
I asked about Lucky.
He said, "Lucky is fine."

540
00:28:15,333 --> 00:28:18,041
"We just changed his name to Unlucky."

541
00:28:19,333 --> 00:28:20,541
Nothing too bad.

542
00:28:22,916 --> 00:28:24,041
People don't get it.

543
00:28:24,125 --> 00:28:26,708
I told this story in Germany
and got heckled by an auntie,

544
00:28:26,791 --> 00:28:29,291
"God damn you! Whose side are you on?"

545
00:28:29,833 --> 00:28:31,291
"Kangals don't do that!"

546
00:28:31,375 --> 00:28:33,875
"They are God's friends from Sivas."

547
00:28:35,708 --> 00:28:37,916
She said, "I'm from Kangal too."

548
00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:41,458
How is that an argument? I said,
"Well, since you're a different species…"

549
00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:43,208
They are dogs.

550
00:28:43,291 --> 00:28:46,125
"I'm from Kangal.
Kangal dogs don't do that," she said.

551
00:28:47,625 --> 00:28:52,500
It's a fight between pro-animal extremists
and pro-human extremists.

552
00:28:52,583 --> 00:28:54,333
It's a tough situation.

553
00:28:54,416 --> 00:28:55,708
We almost got beaten up.

554
00:28:55,791 --> 00:28:59,458
And everybody is required
to prove their love for animals.

555
00:28:59,541 --> 00:29:02,416
I mean… People should be held accountable.

556
00:29:02,500 --> 00:29:05,291
Any dog owners here?
I'm not gonna ask again.

557
00:29:06,333 --> 00:29:09,708
In the 90s, I asked people
why they kept dogs.

558
00:29:09,791 --> 00:29:13,666
Nowadays, while there are still people
who do it out of love,

559
00:29:13,750 --> 00:29:17,291
buying a vest and a bow tie
doesn't make you an animal lover.

560
00:29:17,375 --> 00:29:18,916
In many resort towns,

561
00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:22,416
they buy Cookies, Luckys, Cinnamons
for their kids

562
00:29:22,500 --> 00:29:23,708
and put bow ties on them

563
00:29:23,791 --> 00:29:27,208
only to leave the poor dogs behind
when the season is over.

564
00:29:27,791 --> 00:29:28,791
Abandoned.

565
00:29:28,875 --> 00:29:33,125
"Why did they put a bow tie on me?
All I needed was some fucking love."

566
00:29:33,625 --> 00:29:34,875
You know it's true.

567
00:29:34,958 --> 00:29:36,750
Do you have a dog?

568
00:29:36,833 --> 00:29:38,500
No? Zero dogs?

569
00:29:39,625 --> 00:29:41,916
Anyone here with a dog?

570
00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:43,875
-What kind is it, brother?
-Golden.

571
00:29:43,958 --> 00:29:46,583
Golden retriever.
The apple of the family's eye.

572
00:29:46,666 --> 00:29:49,666
-Why are you keeping a dog?
-It's just a useless dog.

573
00:29:49,750 --> 00:29:51,125
A useless dog?

574
00:29:53,125 --> 00:29:55,666
Do you expect him to fucking rob a bank?

575
00:29:56,833 --> 00:29:58,666
This isn't a movie, you know?

576
00:29:58,750 --> 00:30:01,500
"Don't worry, bro.
It'll be a clean robbery."

577
00:30:03,208 --> 00:30:05,416
I once asked a woman
what kind of dog she had.

578
00:30:05,500 --> 00:30:08,166
She said German shepherd.

579
00:30:08,250 --> 00:30:11,833
"Why are you keeping one?" I asked.
She said, "Protection."

580
00:30:13,083 --> 00:30:14,666
Not security, protection.

581
00:30:15,333 --> 00:30:17,166
There must not be any pharmacies around.

582
00:30:18,583 --> 00:30:20,666
They put the dog by the bedroom door.

583
00:30:21,375 --> 00:30:23,541
He growls at the husband
if he comes nearby.

584
00:30:24,750 --> 00:30:26,750
Protected for that month.

585
00:30:27,375 --> 00:30:28,666
That's gotta be it.

586
00:30:29,708 --> 00:30:32,916
I've had a dog for a long time.

587
00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:35,291
Cats are a whole other world.

588
00:30:35,375 --> 00:30:36,833
I don't understand it.

589
00:30:36,916 --> 00:30:39,166
Any cat owners here?

590
00:30:39,833 --> 00:30:41,625
They'll give you attitude tonight.

591
00:30:41,708 --> 00:30:44,875
"Where have you been all night?
God damn you!"

592
00:30:44,958 --> 00:30:46,541
Cats are so weird!

593
00:30:47,333 --> 00:30:49,458
They act like we are their guests.

594
00:30:50,208 --> 00:30:54,416
Poor dogs,
they at least try to entertain you.

595
00:30:54,500 --> 00:30:57,083
Give them treats and they ask,
"Should I do tricks?"

596
00:30:57,583 --> 00:30:59,291
"Should I jump, sir?"

597
00:30:59,875 --> 00:31:02,291
Cats don't give a fuck.

598
00:31:04,250 --> 00:31:06,375
"Food?" "Yes. Food. Whatever."

599
00:31:07,708 --> 00:31:09,333
"Shitface."

600
00:31:09,916 --> 00:31:12,208
My girlfriends usually have cats.

601
00:31:12,291 --> 00:31:14,833
I mean in the past.
I don't have girlfriends anymore.

602
00:31:16,208 --> 00:31:19,125
There are no women my age.
No woman is 52 years old.

603
00:31:21,958 --> 00:31:24,833
Cats are so weird.

604
00:31:24,916 --> 00:31:29,083
It's doubly weird
if you're newly dating and she has a cat.

605
00:31:29,166 --> 00:31:32,375
You go to her place for the first time.

606
00:31:32,458 --> 00:31:36,125
Her cat rubs on you, and she says,
"Wow! Smoke loves you!"

607
00:31:37,541 --> 00:31:38,666
Thank God!

608
00:31:39,166 --> 00:31:40,958
That's the first step.

609
00:31:41,041 --> 00:31:44,916
And you get hyped up if she says,
"She usually doesn't approach people."

610
00:31:45,000 --> 00:31:48,375
"Fuck yeah!
I'm gonna fuck her tonight for sure!"

611
00:31:51,000 --> 00:31:52,791
"She doesn't approach people."

612
00:31:52,875 --> 00:31:55,416
She offers you some snacks,
opens a wine bottle.

613
00:31:55,916 --> 00:31:57,916
A bit of cheese, some dried meat.

614
00:31:58,000 --> 00:32:00,708
You wouldn't know about those either.
God damn you all!

615
00:32:01,333 --> 00:32:03,333
Our country is in such bad shape!

616
00:32:04,708 --> 00:32:06,541
I should rewrite some jokes.

617
00:32:06,625 --> 00:32:08,708
"A quarter of a loaf of bread and…"

618
00:32:15,583 --> 00:32:16,958
"You go to her place,

619
00:32:17,041 --> 00:32:21,916
and she offers you bread
with a bit of cheese and olives inside."

620
00:32:26,041 --> 00:32:28,541
She offers you snacks. Smoke rubs on you.

621
00:32:28,625 --> 00:32:31,583
She asks, "You don't mind, right?"

622
00:32:31,666 --> 00:32:33,708
Your pants are covered in fur, but…

623
00:32:34,958 --> 00:32:38,416
"Smoke! You cute little piece of shit."

624
00:32:38,500 --> 00:32:42,083
When she goes to the bathroom
or to the kitchen to get more wine,

625
00:32:42,166 --> 00:32:44,666
you go, "Get the fuck away from me."

626
00:32:46,541 --> 00:32:50,875
And then it's time for some foreplay,
some kissing and stuff.

627
00:32:50,958 --> 00:32:53,916
I hate pets
that don't leave the room during it.

628
00:32:54,750 --> 00:32:57,333
You are kissing,
and the cat just stares at you.

629
00:32:59,875 --> 00:33:02,000
It happened to me a few times.

630
00:33:02,083 --> 00:33:04,500
Pets that don't leave the room
while you make love.

631
00:33:05,333 --> 00:33:08,291
I remember one English bulldog
who kept staring like this.

632
00:33:08,833 --> 00:33:10,750
Why the fuck are you so surprised?

633
00:33:11,250 --> 00:33:14,166
You lift your legs up
to lick your own balls.

634
00:33:14,750 --> 00:33:16,666
And this is what puzzles you?

635
00:33:20,583 --> 00:33:22,250
I swear to God!

636
00:33:24,583 --> 00:33:27,958
There is this famous saying.

637
00:33:28,041 --> 00:33:30,458
I think it goes,

638
00:33:30,958 --> 00:33:34,833
"My love for animals grows more
as I get to know people."

639
00:33:36,041 --> 00:33:37,250
So disingenuous.

640
00:33:37,333 --> 00:33:39,083
"How many people do you know?"

641
00:33:39,166 --> 00:33:40,166
"Two."

642
00:33:40,666 --> 00:33:43,125
"How many cats do you have?"
"47." I mean…

643
00:33:44,000 --> 00:33:46,750
Some people have no sense of balance.

644
00:33:46,833 --> 00:33:50,750
I'm being sincere when I say
that I get there is no hierarchy in love,

645
00:33:50,833 --> 00:33:53,291
but you should test people who are hurt.

646
00:33:53,375 --> 00:33:56,583
For example, some guy is saying
that he lost his father,

647
00:33:56,666 --> 00:33:59,791
and you're saying,
"And we just buried Cinnamon."

648
00:34:00,291 --> 00:34:03,000
He just said his father died!

649
00:34:03,083 --> 00:34:05,333
"Cinnamon was so precious to us!"

650
00:34:05,416 --> 00:34:07,125
That's my father!

651
00:34:07,208 --> 00:34:08,750
How old was Cinnamon? 14.

652
00:34:08,833 --> 00:34:11,125
Well, it was about fucking time he died.

653
00:34:11,625 --> 00:34:14,875
Cinnamon never promised you 64 years.

654
00:34:15,583 --> 00:34:16,583
"We buried Cinnamon."

655
00:34:16,666 --> 00:34:18,916
I'm talking about my father.
Don't you get it?

656
00:34:19,000 --> 00:34:21,833
Just because my dad doesn't bring back
the stick you throw

657
00:34:22,875 --> 00:34:25,458
doesn't mean
he is any less precious than Cinnamon.

658
00:34:27,166 --> 00:34:29,375
Some people can't weigh things correctly.

659
00:34:29,458 --> 00:34:34,041
And we should distinguish
real love for animals from fake.

660
00:34:34,125 --> 00:34:37,125
I'm not a hater,
but I witnessed it firsthand.

661
00:34:37,208 --> 00:34:38,875
Two years ago in Gümüşlük,

662
00:34:38,958 --> 00:34:43,458
I saw some girls from Istanbul, Kadıköy
wearing baggy batik pants.

663
00:34:43,541 --> 00:34:45,375
Their dogs are wandering around.

664
00:34:45,458 --> 00:34:52,250
And people were very welcoming of animals.
It was a very pet-friendly space.

665
00:34:53,041 --> 00:34:57,708
Cinnamons, Cookies, and Daisies
were all so happy. Nice atmosphere.

666
00:34:57,791 --> 00:35:00,458
Girls talk to their Daisies…
Everyone is happy.

667
00:35:00,541 --> 00:35:04,583
The dogs even had swimsuits.
They were so happy.

668
00:35:04,666 --> 00:35:09,375
I saw a tattoo on her that read,
"Life is a journey" in English.

669
00:35:10,041 --> 00:35:11,250
I was like, "Wow!"

670
00:35:11,750 --> 00:35:15,333
She got it all figured out!
Translated, it would be…

671
00:35:19,833 --> 00:35:22,208
You don't even speak English?

672
00:35:22,291 --> 00:35:25,625
Weren't you all saying,
"Cem Yılmaz lost his touch"?

673
00:35:25,708 --> 00:35:27,833
Maybe the audience is to blame!

674
00:35:29,791 --> 00:35:33,041
"Life is a journey."

675
00:35:33,125 --> 00:35:35,000
I was like, "Wow, this is so…

676
00:35:35,083 --> 00:35:38,250
easy to remember.
Why did you get it tattooed on your arm?"

677
00:35:38,958 --> 00:35:41,958
Imagine going, "Life… What was it?"

678
00:35:42,041 --> 00:35:43,916
"It's a journey, right?"

679
00:35:44,000 --> 00:35:46,375
"Let me get it tattooed
so I don't forget."

680
00:35:46,458 --> 00:35:48,625
"And I'll get the grocery list
tattooed here."

681
00:35:49,916 --> 00:35:52,375
Daisies and Cookies were so happy.

682
00:35:52,458 --> 00:35:56,000
And then, one poor dog arrived.
A real dog.

683
00:35:56,500 --> 00:35:58,916
The butcher's dog Cotton came.

684
00:35:59,000 --> 00:36:01,500
It saw other dogs getting love,

685
00:36:01,583 --> 00:36:03,333
so it wanted some too.

686
00:36:03,416 --> 00:36:06,500
It was a bigger dog,
the alpha of the group.

687
00:36:06,583 --> 00:36:08,500
He growled a bit.

688
00:36:08,583 --> 00:36:11,208
They almost lynched poor Cotton!

689
00:36:11,291 --> 00:36:14,083
"How fucking dare you bully
a small dog like Lucky?"

690
00:36:14,791 --> 00:36:17,541
I witnessed all of that firsthand.

691
00:36:17,625 --> 00:36:19,083
"I know animals."

692
00:36:19,166 --> 00:36:21,333
"I know people too. Animals are better."

693
00:36:21,416 --> 00:36:22,625
Which animal do you know?

694
00:36:22,708 --> 00:36:25,666
What animal do you know
besides your own pet?

695
00:36:26,166 --> 00:36:29,625
We have this image of animals
ingrained in our minds by fables.

696
00:36:29,708 --> 00:36:33,208
"Foxes are sly." "Crows are blah blah."

697
00:36:34,000 --> 00:36:37,458
"We need to save the whales."
Where do we get these from?

698
00:36:37,541 --> 00:36:41,291
Why would you throw soup
at a Rembrandt to save the whales?

699
00:36:42,458 --> 00:36:44,666
I saw that protest. They threw soup

700
00:36:44,750 --> 00:36:47,291
at a centuries-old Rembrandt painting.

701
00:36:47,375 --> 00:36:49,833
The whale would be mortified if he knew.

702
00:36:49,916 --> 00:36:53,500
It'd say, "This is a disgrace!
I'm going to be dead next week anyway."

703
00:36:53,583 --> 00:36:56,125
"At least leave the painting alone."

704
00:36:57,750 --> 00:36:59,375
My God!

705
00:37:00,208 --> 00:37:01,875
We just remember fables.

706
00:37:01,958 --> 00:37:04,333
"Foxes are sly." What did they achieve?

707
00:37:04,416 --> 00:37:07,916
As if foxes built a hotel
on a virgin cove!

708
00:37:08,000 --> 00:37:09,083
What did they do?

709
00:37:10,250 --> 00:37:14,083
They just steal some chickens
if you leave the hen house open.

710
00:37:14,166 --> 00:37:16,708
I don't think we know animals well.

711
00:37:17,208 --> 00:37:20,791
Foxes are sly, lions are kings,
rabbits are blah blah…

712
00:37:20,875 --> 00:37:22,583
Who are they?

713
00:37:22,666 --> 00:37:24,750
Which animals do you actually know?

714
00:37:24,833 --> 00:37:27,500
Do you know
what a seahorse does for a living?

715
00:37:27,583 --> 00:37:28,541
Does anyone know?

716
00:37:28,625 --> 00:37:30,791
Balcony peasants
don't even get the question.

717
00:37:32,250 --> 00:37:34,541
They're shocked.
"There are horses in the sea?"

718
00:37:35,125 --> 00:37:37,125
"I wouldn't know. We don't own a TV."

719
00:37:38,375 --> 00:37:41,416
Seahorses are really weird creatures,
you know?

720
00:37:41,500 --> 00:37:43,083
Males give birth!

721
00:37:43,166 --> 00:37:44,250
Exactly, brother.

722
00:37:45,416 --> 00:37:47,416
You sound so hyped up about it.

723
00:37:48,291 --> 00:37:51,250
More accurately, they are genderless.

724
00:37:51,333 --> 00:37:54,375
They can switch genders at will
and impregnate themselves.

725
00:37:54,458 --> 00:37:56,708
I'd like to have that technology.

726
00:37:57,375 --> 00:38:02,583
Wouldn't it be amazing
to pay child support to yourself?

727
00:38:03,083 --> 00:38:06,625
I shouldn't joke about genders
since this will air on Netflix.

728
00:38:08,791 --> 00:38:12,500
You like those jokes
only when foreign comedians make them.

729
00:38:13,375 --> 00:38:16,083
None of my business…
Any transgender person here?

730
00:38:19,083 --> 00:38:21,791
No answer, of course.
You wouldn't even tell me the time.

731
00:38:22,583 --> 00:38:25,291
"Is there any transgender person here?"

732
00:38:26,166 --> 00:38:28,875
"Yes, there is. But forget about it."

733
00:38:31,416 --> 00:38:34,250
I'm not against gender-affirming surgery,

734
00:38:34,333 --> 00:38:36,666
but I find their interviews absurd.

735
00:38:36,750 --> 00:38:40,208
I saw that one of them said,
"Are there even any men left?"

736
00:38:42,416 --> 00:38:44,958
Well, you took one away, you lunatic.

737
00:38:46,291 --> 00:38:48,500
I'm fine with them
transitioning into women.

738
00:38:48,583 --> 00:38:50,125
That's a win for us.

739
00:38:50,833 --> 00:38:55,333
It just bothers me
when a woman transitions into a man.

740
00:38:55,833 --> 00:38:57,041
I mean, we…

741
00:38:58,000 --> 00:39:00,500
I respect them, of course.
How could I not?

742
00:39:00,583 --> 00:39:03,250
It's such a big decision.
Could you get yours cut?

743
00:39:03,333 --> 00:39:06,791
And some people get a new one!
My point is, it's a tough situation.

744
00:39:06,875 --> 00:39:09,666
It's hard to prepare for it
physically and mentally.

745
00:39:09,750 --> 00:39:12,750
I just have a beef
with the man that she transitioned into.

746
00:39:12,833 --> 00:39:17,375
You put so much effort in becoming a man.

747
00:39:17,458 --> 00:39:19,541
You feel comfortable in that body, right?

748
00:39:19,625 --> 00:39:22,458
You should've also prepared mentally
to be an ideal man.

749
00:39:22,541 --> 00:39:25,583
First week after their surgery,
they give an interview.

750
00:39:25,666 --> 00:39:27,083
"How is it going?"

751
00:39:27,166 --> 00:39:28,750
"I'm a jealous dude."

752
00:39:30,583 --> 00:39:32,791
They haven't even removed
the stitches yet!

753
00:39:34,416 --> 00:39:37,083
"I won't let my girlfriend
wear a miniskirt."

754
00:39:37,166 --> 00:39:39,541
Dude, your wardrobe is still full of them!

755
00:39:40,625 --> 00:39:44,708
So I really don't like
that part of their transition.

756
00:39:47,541 --> 00:39:49,250
Seahorses are weird animals.

757
00:39:49,333 --> 00:39:51,375
There are so many weird animals
we don't know.

758
00:39:51,458 --> 00:39:53,458
Everyone has a favorite animal.

759
00:39:53,541 --> 00:39:56,541
My older brother and I
went to the Berlin Zoo once.

760
00:39:57,333 --> 00:40:00,875
That was probably 20 years ago.
We arrived too early, around 7:30 a.m.

761
00:40:01,375 --> 00:40:03,208
Even the animals weren't there yet.

762
00:40:04,666 --> 00:40:05,708
I swear to God!

763
00:40:05,791 --> 00:40:07,708
And the woman at the booth
sold us tickets.

764
00:40:07,791 --> 00:40:09,291
We entered. No animals!

765
00:40:09,791 --> 00:40:12,208
She must've thought
we were there to surrender.

766
00:40:15,375 --> 00:40:18,125
Like, "Go ahead. Find yourself a cage."

767
00:40:18,750 --> 00:40:21,875
We entered the zoo, and nobody was around.

768
00:40:21,958 --> 00:40:24,416
After like half an hour,
they brought in the animals.

769
00:40:24,500 --> 00:40:28,708
Rhinos, monkeys, giraffes…
The animals looked surprised.

770
00:40:28,791 --> 00:40:32,000
They were like,
"Oi! Do you see the fucking time, mate?"

771
00:40:32,583 --> 00:40:34,375
They were caught off guard.

772
00:40:35,583 --> 00:40:37,625
My chimp impression is good, no?

773
00:40:37,708 --> 00:40:40,166
Right? Admit it, it's a good impression.

774
00:40:41,125 --> 00:40:42,250
No, don't…

775
00:40:45,041 --> 00:40:47,166
It's no wonder I can pull it off.

776
00:40:47,250 --> 00:40:49,291
I have all the material at hand.

777
00:40:49,916 --> 00:40:52,166
I wouldn't be able to pull off a swan.

778
00:40:53,000 --> 00:40:54,583
The apes came in.

779
00:40:54,666 --> 00:40:57,041
My God!
That silverback was a sight to behold!

780
00:40:57,125 --> 00:40:58,958
The gorillas caught my attention.

781
00:40:59,041 --> 00:41:00,833
They were behind a glass pane.

782
00:41:01,416 --> 00:41:05,500
I approached their enclosure.
Have you ever looked a gorilla in the eye?

783
00:41:09,416 --> 00:41:13,458
We can't even talk about cats,
let alone silverbacks.

784
00:41:13,541 --> 00:41:15,916
"You are so adventurous, Mr. Cem!"

785
00:41:17,208 --> 00:41:18,875
I was so captivated

786
00:41:18,958 --> 00:41:22,500
by the way the gorilla looked at me
through the glass.

787
00:41:22,583 --> 00:41:23,583
My brother said,

788
00:41:23,666 --> 00:41:25,291
"It's been half an hour."

789
00:41:25,375 --> 00:41:27,666
"Let's go see the rhinos
and camels and stuff."

790
00:41:27,750 --> 00:41:29,958
I said, "I'm busy with the gorilla."

791
00:41:30,041 --> 00:41:33,041
He kept looking at me like this.
You had to be there.

792
00:41:33,875 --> 00:41:37,000
It was as if
the gorilla was trying to say,

793
00:41:37,083 --> 00:41:39,541
"God put me here

794
00:41:39,625 --> 00:41:41,083
and you there."

795
00:41:41,166 --> 00:41:43,250
"This is how it is this time."

796
00:41:44,333 --> 00:41:45,958
He looked so sorrowful.

797
00:41:46,041 --> 00:41:49,500
And you could tell that the fucker
had seen Planet of the Apes.

798
00:41:50,375 --> 00:41:55,291
Looked like he was trying to say,
"We will fuck you all up."

799
00:41:55,375 --> 00:41:58,583
I couldn't take my eyes off him
for half an hour.

800
00:41:59,083 --> 00:42:00,916
And then the gorilla said,

801
00:42:01,541 --> 00:42:04,500
"My mother birthed me on a rainy day."

802
00:42:06,291 --> 00:42:09,166
"The heavens were crying at my arrival."

803
00:42:09,666 --> 00:42:12,500
"Could a newborn babe be a sinner?"

804
00:42:13,125 --> 00:42:15,666
"Then why has my life been damned?"

805
00:42:16,791 --> 00:42:19,625
Turns out I dozed off and it was a dream.

806
00:42:20,666 --> 00:42:23,583
I dreamed it all.

807
00:42:24,083 --> 00:42:27,583
In reality, he just did this.

808
00:42:27,666 --> 00:42:29,750
And flung his shit at me. That's all.

809
00:42:30,916 --> 00:42:33,083
But they look incredibly sorrowful.

810
00:42:33,166 --> 00:42:35,916
Remember them?
I see them in documentaries.

811
00:42:36,000 --> 00:42:39,166
Documentaries were so straightforward
when I was little.

812
00:42:39,250 --> 00:42:40,875
Now they're sophisticated.

813
00:42:40,958 --> 00:42:42,833
It used to be, "Monkeys do this."

814
00:42:42,916 --> 00:42:47,083
"Pandas eat eucalyptus leaves
and bamboo sticks like this."

815
00:42:47,166 --> 00:42:48,666
"Zebras are crossing the river."

816
00:42:48,750 --> 00:42:50,875
Now Netflix documentaries
are so sophisticated.

817
00:42:50,958 --> 00:42:53,916
Where are those Netflix representatives
that I talked to earlier?

818
00:42:56,916 --> 00:42:59,000
Was that also not real?

819
00:43:00,083 --> 00:43:03,958
I remember some people boycotting Netflix.
Any boycotters here?

820
00:43:04,041 --> 00:43:05,333
They are saying,

821
00:43:05,416 --> 00:43:08,375
"Don't watch Netflix.
They're trying to make all of us gay."

822
00:43:08,458 --> 00:43:10,041
It's true, you know.

823
00:43:10,916 --> 00:43:13,875
I'm telling the truth.
I would know, I work with Netflix.

824
00:43:14,375 --> 00:43:16,125
They did so many home visits.

825
00:43:18,041 --> 00:43:20,791
One day the doorbell rang.
I looked through the peephole

826
00:43:20,875 --> 00:43:22,791
and saw three naked men.

827
00:43:23,583 --> 00:43:27,083
"Why are you here?" I asked.
He said, "Tu-dum!" Well…

828
00:43:27,166 --> 00:43:28,333
Fill in the rest.

829
00:43:30,625 --> 00:43:31,708
I remember the boycott.

830
00:43:31,791 --> 00:43:33,916
"Netflix is trying to make us gay!"

831
00:43:34,000 --> 00:43:36,416
"Netflix is gonna turn us into faggots!"

832
00:43:36,500 --> 00:43:37,500
It's all true.

833
00:43:38,708 --> 00:43:42,375
You guys don't read the user agreement.

834
00:43:45,333 --> 00:43:47,583
You know that agreement?

835
00:43:47,666 --> 00:43:50,625
The terms and conditions.

836
00:43:50,708 --> 00:43:53,500
It's all there
at the bottom of the document.

837
00:43:54,583 --> 00:43:57,625
It reads, "I'll turn you all into faggots"
in fine print.

838
00:43:59,208 --> 00:44:02,125
And in parentheses, it reads,
"If you have it in you."

839
00:44:03,375 --> 00:44:04,875
If you don't, they'll move on.

840
00:44:05,500 --> 00:44:08,500
You should watch
Netflix's sophisticated documentaries.

841
00:44:08,583 --> 00:44:10,166
But they're too sophisticated.

842
00:44:10,250 --> 00:44:13,625
They place an 8K camera
on a honeybee's ass.

843
00:44:14,458 --> 00:44:18,583
You feel like you are making the honey.
It's too much.

844
00:44:19,083 --> 00:44:21,541
It used to be straightforward,
not sophisticated.

845
00:44:21,625 --> 00:44:25,541
And there's this British dude
who narrates it all. Who was it?

846
00:44:25,625 --> 00:44:27,208
Oh God!

847
00:44:29,208 --> 00:44:31,041
I fucking swear…

848
00:44:33,458 --> 00:44:36,166
I'll do my set in Konya.
They get me there.

849
00:44:41,583 --> 00:44:45,083
He must be in his 90s.
I think he's 89, actually.

850
00:44:51,000 --> 00:44:52,958
I can't watch it
because of all the saliva.

851
00:44:54,416 --> 00:44:55,916
He keeps on narrating.

852
00:44:56,000 --> 00:44:59,833
But it's all too complicated.
You migrate alongside an albatross.

853
00:44:59,916 --> 00:45:03,458
You live among the ants in their colony.
It's that close-up!

854
00:45:03,541 --> 00:45:05,208
It's too much.

855
00:45:05,708 --> 00:45:07,708
I watched a documentary

856
00:45:07,791 --> 00:45:10,750
about the life
of a troop of silverback gorillas.

857
00:45:10,833 --> 00:45:13,125
But they make it too soap opera-like.

858
00:45:13,208 --> 00:45:15,625
They dramatize the events
to help us understand.

859
00:45:15,708 --> 00:45:17,333
"Little Mario is confused."

860
00:45:19,000 --> 00:45:20,500
"Let's see what Jesse does."

861
00:45:20,583 --> 00:45:22,458
Who the fuck are they?

862
00:45:22,958 --> 00:45:26,041
"Mario is confused," they say.
And you see Mario

863
00:45:26,125 --> 00:45:29,708
trying to find a spot to shit in peace
after devouring a tree whole.

864
00:45:31,166 --> 00:45:34,375
How much does a silverback gorilla weigh?
Must be around 300 kilos.

865
00:45:34,458 --> 00:45:38,583
He has four females
that he needs to mate with.

866
00:45:38,666 --> 00:45:41,041
He needs to guard the elderly.

867
00:45:41,125 --> 00:45:43,000
And defend his crown against the young.

868
00:45:43,083 --> 00:45:44,500
So many things going on!

869
00:45:44,583 --> 00:45:46,291
And they put eight cameras there.

870
00:45:46,375 --> 00:45:49,708
We always see Mario going,
"Go away, brother."

871
00:45:50,250 --> 00:45:52,875
"We got work to do. Chop chop!"

872
00:45:53,458 --> 00:45:55,000
But the cameras continue recording.

873
00:45:57,708 --> 00:45:59,375
"Who the fuck is that?"

874
00:46:01,833 --> 00:46:03,125
"Are you Jesse?"

875
00:46:03,666 --> 00:46:06,125
"They've been calling me Jesse
for two seasons now."

876
00:46:07,333 --> 00:46:10,166
"I'm going to mate.
That's why I keep beating my chest."

877
00:46:10,250 --> 00:46:13,791
"Tell this old dude to get
all the fucking cameras out of here."

878
00:46:13,875 --> 00:46:17,375
"Who are these guys?
Are they from National Geographic?"

879
00:46:17,458 --> 00:46:18,791
"Netflix, boss."

880
00:46:20,666 --> 00:46:23,666
"And Netflix doesn't leave
until they get the material."

881
00:46:25,708 --> 00:46:27,333
Oh God!

882
00:46:30,708 --> 00:46:33,500
"Fuck off! Go on, git!"

883
00:46:36,541 --> 00:46:39,333
"Netflix, huh? Jesse, come here."

884
00:46:42,791 --> 00:46:43,791
"Bend over."

885
00:46:45,083 --> 00:46:47,500
"Boss?"
"Stop fucking calling me boss."

886
00:46:48,000 --> 00:46:49,958
"Bend over. I'll just graze lightly."

887
00:46:51,791 --> 00:46:53,166
"For the season finale."

888
00:46:54,416 --> 00:46:57,750
"Boss, please!"
"Shut it. Let them record it and go away."

889
00:46:59,875 --> 00:47:00,875
"Get this."

890
00:47:02,125 --> 00:47:04,333
And as you watch it,
David Attenborough says,

891
00:47:04,416 --> 00:47:07,875
"This species usually does not mate
with members the same sex. But…"

892
00:47:08,833 --> 00:47:11,291
Well, they've fucking had it up to here.

893
00:47:11,791 --> 00:47:13,000
Can you blame Mario?

894
00:47:13,958 --> 00:47:15,375
Mario…

895
00:47:19,416 --> 00:47:22,791
Mario is trying
to compete with Squid Game after all.

896
00:47:24,375 --> 00:47:26,791
He needs to do something interesting.

897
00:47:27,333 --> 00:47:28,375
God!

898
00:47:28,458 --> 00:47:31,125
I had my own adventure with a chimp
on my movie A.R.O.G.

899
00:47:31,208 --> 00:47:33,250
That's where I learned these moves.

900
00:47:33,750 --> 00:47:36,208
They said,
"He's too intimate with the chimp!"

901
00:47:36,291 --> 00:47:39,791
Dude, inside that chimp
was an acrobat girl from Argentina.

902
00:47:40,666 --> 00:47:42,666
And I only care about inner beauty.

903
00:47:44,041 --> 00:47:47,625
The reason I do a good imitation
might be due to my family roots.

904
00:47:47,708 --> 00:47:49,500
Remember when they allowed us

905
00:47:49,583 --> 00:47:52,083
to check our family tree
on the government website?

906
00:47:52,166 --> 00:47:54,333
It was all the rage
when it first got released.

907
00:47:54,416 --> 00:47:57,458
Everyone checked their roots.
I don't know if you have.

908
00:47:57,541 --> 00:47:58,750
But I certainly did.

909
00:47:58,833 --> 00:48:01,166
Turns out, my family tree has no branches.

910
00:48:01,250 --> 00:48:03,333
Some people know their roots.

911
00:48:03,416 --> 00:48:06,041
"I can track my roots
back to the 14th century."

912
00:48:06,125 --> 00:48:07,958
"My maternal ancestors were from…"

913
00:48:08,041 --> 00:48:10,791
But mine are all normal dudes.

914
00:48:10,875 --> 00:48:12,250
Regular folks.

915
00:48:12,333 --> 00:48:16,791
My father is from the village of Eskihamal
in Gürün, Sivas.

916
00:48:16,875 --> 00:48:21,958
And I only saw my paternal roots
going back to the 1840s.

917
00:48:22,041 --> 00:48:24,708
They never moved away from their village.

918
00:48:25,333 --> 00:48:27,875
This is the extent of their movement.

919
00:48:27,958 --> 00:48:31,000
Rather than a Migration Period,
they did a Migration Circle.

920
00:48:31,583 --> 00:48:33,833
And my mom's family
came from Thessaloniki.

921
00:48:33,916 --> 00:48:36,833
I tracked them back to the 1790s.

922
00:48:36,916 --> 00:48:40,916
There were no warriors,
no distinct characters.

923
00:48:41,000 --> 00:48:44,958
No commanders or members of the cavalry.
Zero heroes of any kind.

924
00:48:45,041 --> 00:48:46,250
And, you know…

925
00:48:46,333 --> 00:48:50,375
I was just holding a sword,
and it didn't even suit me.

926
00:48:50,458 --> 00:48:53,333
Some people are glued to the TV like this.

927
00:48:53,416 --> 00:48:55,916
"We are the seeds of the Ottomans!"

928
00:48:56,000 --> 00:48:57,833
Resurrection: Ertuğrul and stuff.

929
00:48:57,916 --> 00:49:01,666
I have nobody in my family tree
who could be considered a hero.

930
00:49:01,750 --> 00:49:04,708
I'm baffled
that they even managed to survive.

931
00:49:04,791 --> 00:49:09,291
And I'm talking about
both my maternal and my paternal sides.

932
00:49:09,375 --> 00:49:11,916
They aren't the fighter-type at all.

933
00:49:12,000 --> 00:49:14,291
And the sword really doesn't suit me.

934
00:49:14,375 --> 00:49:16,500
I've held swords for movies.

935
00:49:16,583 --> 00:49:19,666
Remember Dry Murad?
I rode horses and stuff.

936
00:49:20,166 --> 00:49:23,083
But I find it too harsh.

937
00:49:23,166 --> 00:49:27,458
When did we Turks conquer Anatolia?
In 1071, right?

938
00:49:27,541 --> 00:49:32,333
I would've liked to have an ancestor
who fought in that battle.

939
00:49:32,833 --> 00:49:35,916
But this is too much.
Wouldn't it cause a lot of pain?

940
00:49:36,000 --> 00:49:38,041
How could you strike someone with it?

941
00:49:38,750 --> 00:49:42,875
If I were in that battle,
I would've suggested talking first.

942
00:49:44,375 --> 00:49:47,333
"Should we take the fortress?"
"We can do without it."

943
00:49:47,833 --> 00:49:50,083
I would've fled at the first opportunity.

944
00:49:50,166 --> 00:49:51,750
I find this too hard.

945
00:49:51,833 --> 00:49:56,041
It's not sharp, but… Here, feel it.

946
00:49:56,125 --> 00:49:57,833
Isn't it weird?

947
00:49:57,916 --> 00:50:01,125
Maybe there's a professional murderer
in the audience.

948
00:50:02,208 --> 00:50:06,958
But to me,
it feels so odd to stick this in someone.

949
00:50:07,500 --> 00:50:09,750
We have that cinematic image in our heads.

950
00:50:09,833 --> 00:50:13,250
You strike and heads fly through the air.
You stick it, take it out.

951
00:50:13,333 --> 00:50:14,666
How is that okay?

952
00:50:14,750 --> 00:50:18,791
In that Dry Murad episode,
Çağlar's character said,

953
00:50:18,875 --> 00:50:21,583
"You could die of stress
in the Middle Ages!"

954
00:50:21,666 --> 00:50:25,125
Heads being hurled into the air. So rough!

955
00:50:25,208 --> 00:50:26,875
Nowadays, you cry "Mobbing!"

956
00:50:26,958 --> 00:50:29,791
when someone at the office
gives you the side eye.

957
00:50:30,666 --> 00:50:32,000
Now imagine actual battles.

958
00:50:32,083 --> 00:50:35,041
Everyone is stabbing everyone.
You chop some heads off.

959
00:50:35,125 --> 00:50:38,666
And just like his wife,
your old lady goes, "Why the long face?"

960
00:50:41,666 --> 00:50:43,666
"I'm covered in blood, woman!"

961
00:50:43,750 --> 00:50:45,750
I couldn't live like that.

962
00:50:45,833 --> 00:50:48,041
And I'm not ashamed to say it.

963
00:50:48,541 --> 00:50:51,791
People in this day and age
still kill each other.

964
00:50:51,875 --> 00:50:56,125
So, anyway, I'm really surprised
that my bloodline survived.

965
00:50:57,833 --> 00:50:58,958
My family.

966
00:50:59,041 --> 00:51:00,458
How have we not died off

967
00:51:00,541 --> 00:51:03,958
when I can't even imagine
engaging in such brutal acts?

968
00:51:04,041 --> 00:51:06,041
"Take that, fucker!"

969
00:51:06,125 --> 00:51:08,416
I can't do that. It would hurt them!

970
00:51:09,541 --> 00:51:12,958
And it's not enough to ride a horse.
Have you ridden one?

971
00:51:13,041 --> 00:51:16,791
You have to hold and swing a sword
all the while riding the horse.

972
00:51:16,875 --> 00:51:19,583
Forget about chopping off heads
in a cinematic way,

973
00:51:19,666 --> 00:51:21,583
even a grazing sword would hurt.

974
00:51:25,541 --> 00:51:27,500
The battle is over for you.

975
00:51:28,375 --> 00:51:30,666
There is no Batticon or anything.

976
00:51:31,541 --> 00:51:33,333
The wound will fester.

977
00:51:34,125 --> 00:51:36,083
So horrible!

978
00:51:36,166 --> 00:51:38,000
I watched a movie the other day.

979
00:51:39,208 --> 00:51:41,208
What was it called? Bonaparte?

980
00:51:41,291 --> 00:51:43,875
No, Napoleon by Ridley Scott.

981
00:51:43,958 --> 00:51:46,375
You know how in battles

982
00:51:46,458 --> 00:51:50,166
5,000 people on each side
charge at each other?

983
00:51:50,250 --> 00:51:52,875
It's so scary. Imagine being at the front.

984
00:51:52,958 --> 00:51:56,333
Yelling, "Liberté!"

985
00:51:56,416 --> 00:52:00,041
You are at the front.
You'll turn to mush soon.

986
00:52:00,125 --> 00:52:01,458
What "liberté"?

987
00:52:02,833 --> 00:52:04,791
"For France, motherfuckers!"

988
00:52:06,541 --> 00:52:08,875
We have something nobler.

989
00:52:08,958 --> 00:52:12,625
It's really good.
They yell, "Allah! Allah!"

990
00:52:12,708 --> 00:52:15,333
But you can sense a bit of doubt there.

991
00:52:16,166 --> 00:52:18,458
"Allah! Allah?" I mean…

992
00:52:18,541 --> 00:52:22,333
"Allah will guide us, right? Right?"

993
00:52:25,666 --> 00:52:29,375
I can't imagine myself in that situation.
Can you?

994
00:52:29,458 --> 00:52:33,416
All that heroic talk is fun and games
unless you're at the front.

995
00:52:35,000 --> 00:52:37,291
"We will conquer Vienna!"

996
00:52:38,583 --> 00:52:40,458
"Here, you first."

997
00:52:42,750 --> 00:52:45,041
I'll take the third rank, deal?

998
00:52:45,625 --> 00:52:47,833
Let me get back to the fourth rank.

999
00:52:48,416 --> 00:52:52,041
All those epic battles…
I can't imagine myself there.

1000
00:52:52,125 --> 00:52:56,333
Remember in Troy
when 50,000 archers lined up?

1001
00:52:56,416 --> 00:52:58,166
"Archers!"

1002
00:53:00,291 --> 00:53:02,541
"Archers!"

1003
00:53:03,041 --> 00:53:05,583
"Did he say loose?"

1004
00:53:06,583 --> 00:53:10,250
"Loose!"
"What is loose?"

1005
00:53:12,041 --> 00:53:16,500
All the movies in the past 20 years
use pretty much the same shot.

1006
00:53:16,583 --> 00:53:18,625
A cloud of arrows darkening the sky.

1007
00:53:18,708 --> 00:53:21,583
It's almost as if
they have a plug-in for it.

1008
00:53:21,666 --> 00:53:23,000
"Archers!"

1009
00:53:23,083 --> 00:53:24,541
Like in Troy.

1010
00:53:27,916 --> 00:53:29,708
I just wouldn't shoot.

1011
00:53:31,125 --> 00:53:33,541
Fuck it, let God decide their fates.

1012
00:53:34,708 --> 00:53:37,666
Twenty thousand arrows.
It's not like they count them all.

1013
00:53:37,750 --> 00:53:39,541
Right?

1014
00:53:40,916 --> 00:53:43,166
I can just imitate the sound.

1015
00:53:44,541 --> 00:53:47,416
And I wouldn't even move
if the enemy shot first.

1016
00:53:47,916 --> 00:53:50,250
I think everyone deserves to live.

1017
00:53:51,083 --> 00:53:53,083
And I couldn't flee either.

1018
00:53:53,166 --> 00:53:55,583
I wouldn't be able to live myself.

1019
00:53:55,666 --> 00:53:58,541
Why the fuck would I try to run?

1020
00:53:58,625 --> 00:54:02,208
An arrow will either hit me directly
or bounce and lodge itself in my ass.

1021
00:54:03,375 --> 00:54:05,125
I'm sure of it.

1022
00:54:06,458 --> 00:54:07,833
It's so weird.

1023
00:54:08,333 --> 00:54:09,541
War is tough.

1024
00:54:10,041 --> 00:54:13,500
It's so tough.
I'm glad I didn't live back then.

1025
00:54:13,583 --> 00:54:16,125
The government asked me
to tell you about those times.

1026
00:54:18,000 --> 00:54:19,916
So that you'll be more grateful.

1027
00:54:21,750 --> 00:54:22,750
It's true.

1028
00:54:25,000 --> 00:54:26,000
And…

1029
00:54:27,416 --> 00:54:30,083
How can anyone pour
boiling oil on someone?

1030
00:54:30,166 --> 00:54:33,875
It sucked from the Stone Age
all the way through medieval times.

1031
00:54:33,958 --> 00:54:38,000
Pouring boiling oil onto a person!

1032
00:54:38,083 --> 00:54:40,625
How consumed are you with anger?

1033
00:54:40,708 --> 00:54:43,791
"Don't let them take the fortress!"
Just fucking let them.

1034
00:54:43,875 --> 00:54:48,000
If all those armed men are marching here,
just let them take it.

1035
00:54:48,500 --> 00:54:49,458
Boiling oil!

1036
00:54:49,541 --> 00:54:53,000
Imagine being there to conquer Istanbul.
You climb up the Silivri Gate.

1037
00:54:53,083 --> 00:54:56,500
Your troops have already taken
the land where Topkapı Palace now stands.

1038
00:54:56,583 --> 00:54:59,583
The emperor is dead. But the news
hasn't reached the Silivri Gate.

1039
00:54:59,666 --> 00:55:01,750
And you are at the top of the ladder.

1040
00:55:02,500 --> 00:55:06,208
And Christos stares at you.
"Hey, vre, what are you doing, vre?

1041
00:55:06,291 --> 00:55:08,208
"Don't fucking pour it!"

1042
00:55:09,416 --> 00:55:12,416
"We conquered Istanbul already! Aargh!"

1043
00:55:13,208 --> 00:55:18,500
I can't carry Bepanthen on my ass
during the whole conquest.

1044
00:55:19,583 --> 00:55:20,833
Think about the pain!

1045
00:55:21,583 --> 00:55:24,708
It's important to have compassion.
But nobody has it anymore.

1046
00:55:24,791 --> 00:55:26,958
How can people be killing each other?

1047
00:55:27,041 --> 00:55:29,250
I can't wrap my mind around it.

1048
00:55:29,833 --> 00:55:31,958
Maybe it's my own flaw.

1049
00:55:32,958 --> 00:55:37,333
It's my 30th year in this industry.
And there's one thing that bothers me.

1050
00:55:37,416 --> 00:55:40,625
Society became ruder over time.

1051
00:55:40,708 --> 00:55:42,708
When I was younger,

1052
00:55:43,333 --> 00:55:45,708
I was kind of a delinquent.

1053
00:55:45,791 --> 00:55:48,291
We were troublemakers.

1054
00:55:48,375 --> 00:55:51,166
Now the bar has sunk so low

1055
00:55:51,250 --> 00:55:52,791
that we are the elite ones.

1056
00:55:54,041 --> 00:55:55,875
What does elite mean in Türkiye nowadays?

1057
00:55:55,958 --> 00:55:59,041
You are now elite
if you can wash your ass,

1058
00:56:00,125 --> 00:56:02,250
stop at red lights, go at green,

1059
00:56:02,333 --> 00:56:06,500
reciprocate when someone says
hello or good morning.

1060
00:56:06,583 --> 00:56:08,291
I'm called an elite!

1061
00:56:08,375 --> 00:56:11,875
My father is Arif from Tophane.
I'm far from being elite!

1062
00:56:12,375 --> 00:56:13,875
But the bar has sunk.

1063
00:56:13,958 --> 00:56:15,916
Everyone is so rude.

1064
00:56:16,000 --> 00:56:20,125
And what's the cause of all this rudeness?

1065
00:56:20,750 --> 00:56:23,041
Movies and series that we produce!

1066
00:56:24,125 --> 00:56:27,250
It's so easy to blame all the evil on us!

1067
00:56:27,333 --> 00:56:28,375
Femicide?

1068
00:56:28,458 --> 00:56:30,541
"People see that on TV series!"

1069
00:56:31,416 --> 00:56:33,125
"They just copy what they see."

1070
00:56:33,666 --> 00:56:36,958
People acting like the mafia?
All because of TV!

1071
00:56:37,041 --> 00:56:39,083
All that weirdness? TV to blame!

1072
00:56:39,166 --> 00:56:41,125
Violence? It's TV, of course!

1073
00:56:41,208 --> 00:56:43,750
They seize eight tons of cocaine
at the Port of Mersin.

1074
00:56:43,833 --> 00:56:45,416
"It's all because of TV!"

1075
00:56:45,958 --> 00:56:47,625
How powerful are these series?

1076
00:56:48,125 --> 00:56:51,250
And they say
that in my movies and stand-ups,

1077
00:56:51,333 --> 00:56:53,625
I teach people to curse. Really?

1078
00:56:54,541 --> 00:56:56,500
As if nobody curses in the streets!

1079
00:56:57,500 --> 00:56:58,750
They all learn it from me!

1080
00:56:58,833 --> 00:56:59,916
I resent that so much.

1081
00:57:00,000 --> 00:57:03,166
I've been trying to explain it for years,
but to no avail.

1082
00:57:03,250 --> 00:57:05,708
They also put you in such a tough spot.

1083
00:57:05,791 --> 00:57:08,875
Like you all gather here to hear me swear,

1084
00:57:08,958 --> 00:57:10,458
then go laugh about it at home.

1085
00:57:10,541 --> 00:57:12,625
"That was a fucking blast!"

1086
00:57:13,125 --> 00:57:16,916
This is just the way I talk.
Like I'm talking to a friend.

1087
00:57:17,000 --> 00:57:20,000
I may use some bad words, but who cares?

1088
00:57:21,208 --> 00:57:24,791
"But is this a work of art?"
How would I know?

1089
00:57:25,333 --> 00:57:27,958
Is Michelangelo's sculpture of David
a work of art?

1090
00:57:28,791 --> 00:57:32,375
It stands 5.5 meters tall in Florence
and looks like it's made of velvet.

1091
00:57:32,458 --> 00:57:34,958
My David impression isn't quite as good.

1092
00:57:35,041 --> 00:57:37,208
My body looks more like a Mahmud.

1093
00:57:38,083 --> 00:57:39,500
It's 5.5 meters tall!

1094
00:57:39,583 --> 00:57:42,250
And with the pedestal,
it must be around 13-14 meters tall.

1095
00:57:42,333 --> 00:57:44,583
It towers over you.
Such a marvel of design!

1096
00:57:44,666 --> 00:57:48,000
But if you look at it from the ground,
you see nine kilos of balls.

1097
00:57:48,791 --> 00:57:49,750
Right?

1098
00:57:49,833 --> 00:57:52,916
"Did you like David?"
"His balls were all out!"

1099
00:57:53,000 --> 00:57:55,083
If you look from below, you see balls.

1100
00:57:55,166 --> 00:57:57,041
From eye level, you see David.

1101
00:57:57,125 --> 00:57:59,000
This is the way things are.

1102
00:57:59,083 --> 00:58:02,041
The streets are in turmoil.
Everyone is so rude.

1103
00:58:02,125 --> 00:58:06,291
In the last five to ten years,
violence against doctors has peaked.

1104
00:58:06,375 --> 00:58:10,291
Can you believe it?
Violence against doctors is now common.

1105
00:58:11,041 --> 00:58:13,000
I'll tell you why that is.

1106
00:58:13,083 --> 00:58:16,291
In Türkiye, there has been
a figurative war in the last ten years.

1107
00:58:16,375 --> 00:58:18,708
A war against knowledge
and those who wield it.

1108
00:58:18,791 --> 00:58:21,958
I used to tell a joke
about Faruk Pharmacy 15 years ago.

1109
00:58:22,041 --> 00:58:23,166
Does anyone remember it?

1110
00:58:23,250 --> 00:58:24,875
Does anyone not remember it?

1111
00:58:26,416 --> 00:58:27,916
What was the punchline there?

1112
00:58:28,000 --> 00:58:31,500
Our parents' generation
grew up with this saying,

1113
00:58:31,583 --> 00:58:34,625
"There is no shame in not knowing,
only in not learning."

1114
00:58:35,125 --> 00:58:39,583
In our times, it was,
"We don't know, but we'll pretend we do."

1115
00:58:39,666 --> 00:58:41,791
We laughed at that 15 years ago.

1116
00:58:41,875 --> 00:58:45,708
Just say you don't know.
Why would you pretend?

1117
00:58:45,791 --> 00:58:49,375
Nowadays, it is,
"So fucking what if you know stuff?"

1118
00:58:50,166 --> 00:58:52,208
That's the tone right now.

1119
00:58:52,291 --> 00:58:55,000
Like, a doctor knows stuff, right?

1120
00:58:55,083 --> 00:58:59,083
Then comes this ignorant guy who says,
"You did the bypass all wrong,

1121
00:58:59,166 --> 00:59:00,458
you motherfucker!"

1122
00:59:00,541 --> 00:59:03,458
"Why did my grandma die?"

1123
00:59:03,541 --> 00:59:07,208
He knows how a bypass is done,
how a tumor is removed.

1124
00:59:07,291 --> 00:59:08,333
He knows it!

1125
00:59:08,416 --> 00:59:11,333
And the doctor cannot convince him
with his knowledge.

1126
00:59:11,416 --> 00:59:12,833
He's on a different frequency.

1127
00:59:12,916 --> 00:59:15,541
He thinks he's the alpha
and the doctor is a beta.

1128
00:59:15,625 --> 00:59:17,875
So he likes challenging the doctor.

1129
00:59:17,958 --> 00:59:21,125
He can't do the same thing
to someone from his own social class.

1130
00:59:21,208 --> 00:59:26,291
They can't lecture plumbers
like they lecture doctors.

1131
00:59:26,375 --> 00:59:27,541
So weird, right?

1132
00:59:27,625 --> 00:59:33,250
Even though the plumber is vulnerable,
with his ass crack out in the open.

1133
00:59:33,333 --> 00:59:35,791
But if you say,
"You placed the pipe all wrong,"

1134
00:59:35,875 --> 00:59:38,208
the plumber will place
the pipe up your ass.

1135
00:59:38,750 --> 00:59:41,458
So their frequencies match.

1136
00:59:43,041 --> 00:59:45,583
This is all scientific.

1137
00:59:47,583 --> 00:59:49,750
And I might have a bit of a foul mouth.

1138
00:59:49,833 --> 00:59:53,583
But they try to blame everything
on our swearing.

1139
00:59:53,666 --> 00:59:54,875
We aren't even swearing.

1140
00:59:54,958 --> 00:59:59,041
We just use
the appropriate adjectives and phrases.

1141
00:59:59,125 --> 01:00:01,416
My father is 80 years old.

1142
01:00:02,166 --> 01:00:06,041
And he is such a mischievous and witty guy

1143
01:00:06,125 --> 01:00:08,291
who uses lots of swear words
in his anecdotes.

1144
01:00:08,375 --> 01:00:11,083
But I've never seen him
actually insult someone.

1145
01:00:11,166 --> 01:00:12,791
I'm the same way.

1146
01:00:12,875 --> 01:00:15,583
But people are so rude!

1147
01:00:15,666 --> 01:00:17,416
Children swear,

1148
01:00:17,500 --> 01:00:19,041
women swear,

1149
01:00:19,125 --> 01:00:22,250
fans in stadiums swear en masse.

1150
01:00:22,333 --> 01:00:25,333
But I'm being ostracized
for having used a bad word

1151
01:00:25,416 --> 01:00:26,875
when telling a joke.

1152
01:00:26,958 --> 01:00:29,625
Like, come on. Stop being mean to me.

1153
01:00:29,708 --> 01:00:32,750
Think about the stadiums… Bro, I never…

1154
01:00:32,833 --> 01:00:36,166
You know which team I support.
Let's not get into that.

1155
01:00:37,416 --> 01:00:40,791
I can't even support my team
without being scolded for it.

1156
01:00:41,916 --> 01:00:45,625
My son doesn't really care about football.

1157
01:00:46,583 --> 01:00:50,458
One day, my son and I were
playing on the PlayStation.

1158
01:00:50,541 --> 01:00:52,916
We were alone in the house.
It's a true story.

1159
01:00:53,458 --> 01:00:55,166
Well, we weren't alone,

1160
01:00:55,250 --> 01:00:58,166
we also had a robot vacuum with us.

1161
01:00:58,250 --> 01:01:01,416
Remember how popular they became
a few years back?

1162
01:01:01,500 --> 01:01:04,250
I think it was
about three to five years ago.

1163
01:01:04,333 --> 01:01:06,958
We all bought one. Myself included.

1164
01:01:07,041 --> 01:01:10,958
It scans the house first
and then starts cleaning.

1165
01:01:11,041 --> 01:01:13,500
I let it loose years ago.
It still hasn't returned.

1166
01:01:14,625 --> 01:01:15,916
It's still scanning.

1167
01:01:18,041 --> 01:01:21,291
I'm alone with my son.
He's playing SpongeBob.

1168
01:01:21,375 --> 01:01:25,333
There's a SpongeBob game on PlayStation.

1169
01:01:25,416 --> 01:01:27,666
And I was in the room
while he was playing.

1170
01:01:28,916 --> 01:01:30,833
And at some point,

1171
01:01:31,416 --> 01:01:34,875
he couldn't beat a level or something
and got furious.

1172
01:01:34,958 --> 01:01:37,333
He asked, "Daddy, may I swear?"

1173
01:01:38,666 --> 01:01:41,291
We were alone. A dad and his son.

1174
01:01:41,375 --> 01:01:42,666
Please be understanding.

1175
01:01:42,750 --> 01:01:45,625
Since there were no women in the house…
None. Zero women.

1176
01:01:46,500 --> 01:01:48,833
I checked every single room.

1177
01:01:49,875 --> 01:01:50,916
No women at all.

1178
01:01:51,458 --> 01:01:53,541
Not even a residue from old days.

1179
01:01:56,083 --> 01:02:00,208
I said, "Since we're both men here,
go ahead and swear. I'm curious."

1180
01:02:00,291 --> 01:02:01,291
Man…

1181
01:02:02,416 --> 01:02:07,500
The things he said
about SpongeBob's mother and sister…

1182
01:02:08,083 --> 01:02:10,500
He made SpongeBob spin in the air twice.

1183
01:02:11,375 --> 01:02:13,458
You know those pores on SpongeBob?

1184
01:02:13,541 --> 01:02:15,208
A few of them is my son's doing.

1185
01:02:16,708 --> 01:02:19,875
I said, "Press Options right now
and go to the menu."

1186
01:02:19,958 --> 01:02:24,166
"This is way too much.
Where did you learn all this?"

1187
01:02:24,250 --> 01:02:25,500
"It's too naughty."

1188
01:02:25,583 --> 01:02:29,000
"All those words aren't okay at your age."

1189
01:02:29,083 --> 01:02:30,833
"Those are swear words, yes."

1190
01:02:30,916 --> 01:02:33,916
"You can learn their meaning,
but shouldn't say them."

1191
01:02:34,000 --> 01:02:36,458
"That was way too much.
Don't do it again."

1192
01:02:37,166 --> 01:02:41,416
He said, "You say that, Dad,
but kids at school say much worse!"

1193
01:02:41,958 --> 01:02:43,583
And I got curious.

1194
01:02:44,333 --> 01:02:45,875
"What do they say?" I asked.

1195
01:02:45,958 --> 01:02:48,750
He said, "Kids at school
even say stuff like 'stupid.'"

1196
01:02:50,166 --> 01:02:53,666
You learned all of that,
at least learn their hierarchy as well.

1197
01:02:55,833 --> 01:03:00,000
Imagine equating saying "stupid"
to detailing what you'd do to their mom!

1198
01:03:00,791 --> 01:03:02,500
He didn't learn it. Like his mom.

1199
01:03:04,291 --> 01:03:09,375
I hate all the yelling and shouting
in stadiums.

1200
01:03:09,458 --> 01:03:12,083
There's a sports event going on there.

1201
01:03:12,166 --> 01:03:14,166
And those people are very talented.

1202
01:03:14,250 --> 01:03:16,041
They aren't like us.

1203
01:03:16,125 --> 01:03:17,708
And people shout,

1204
01:03:17,791 --> 01:03:21,083
"Fucking run, you fucker! Kick it!
Fuck your mother's cunt!"

1205
01:03:21,166 --> 01:03:22,166
What the hell?

1206
01:03:22,666 --> 01:03:26,833
And this is something
that's really hard to change.

1207
01:03:26,916 --> 01:03:29,333
Because you've all done it at least once.

1208
01:03:29,416 --> 01:03:31,166
But I can't do it.

1209
01:03:31,708 --> 01:03:34,041
I have heterosexual dyslexia.

1210
01:03:38,666 --> 01:03:41,166
Do you know
what heterosexual dyslexia means?

1211
01:03:41,250 --> 01:03:45,166
When I'm with my same-sex friends,

1212
01:03:47,208 --> 01:03:52,208
participating
in a group ritual or activity,

1213
01:03:52,291 --> 01:03:53,958
I can't really adapt.

1214
01:03:54,041 --> 01:03:56,958
I can't learn and practice
that ritual properly.

1215
01:03:57,041 --> 01:04:00,291
Cursing together, for example…
"Fuck your mother's cunt!"

1216
01:04:00,375 --> 01:04:02,125
I can't do it.

1217
01:04:02,208 --> 01:04:05,041
That's why I never go to games.
I have such a hard time.

1218
01:04:05,625 --> 01:04:08,750
I took my son to the Olympics in Paris.

1219
01:04:08,833 --> 01:04:10,333
Oh, poor you.

1220
01:04:12,041 --> 01:04:15,166
In the Olympics, we saw someone famous
from the football scene.

1221
01:04:15,250 --> 01:04:16,458
I don't know him well.

1222
01:04:16,541 --> 01:04:18,583
And my son was only ten at the time.

1223
01:04:18,666 --> 01:04:21,583
He patted my son's head
and, as adults do, asked,

1224
01:04:21,666 --> 01:04:24,375
"Which team do you support, little guy?"

1225
01:04:24,458 --> 01:04:26,666
My son replied,
"I don't watch Turkish football."

1226
01:04:26,750 --> 01:04:29,333
"Ball-in-play times are abysmally low."

1227
01:04:30,041 --> 01:04:32,250
The guy was like, "Holy fucking shit!"

1228
01:04:32,750 --> 01:04:35,041
He thought my son was radioactive.

1229
01:04:36,000 --> 01:04:38,833
Like I was saying, you go to a game,

1230
01:04:38,916 --> 01:04:42,000
you see a perfect gentleman or a lady

1231
01:04:42,083 --> 01:04:44,083
curse their head off.

1232
01:04:44,166 --> 01:04:46,833
I just can't do it. It's true.

1233
01:04:47,791 --> 01:04:50,375
I first noticed
I had heterosexual dyslexia

1234
01:04:50,458 --> 01:04:52,625
in 1989, when I was 19…

1235
01:04:52,708 --> 01:04:54,583
No, not 19. I was 16.

1236
01:04:54,666 --> 01:04:59,541
I went to a Beşiktaş game with my friends.

1237
01:04:59,625 --> 01:05:03,041
You know how people
hold each other and chant together?

1238
01:05:03,125 --> 01:05:05,916
We were behind the goal.
A bunch of high schoolers.

1239
01:05:06,000 --> 01:05:09,375
That's when I first understood
that I wasn't cut out for it.

1240
01:05:09,458 --> 01:05:11,541
They started a chant going,

1241
01:05:11,625 --> 01:05:14,916
"I can do without a million dollars
to my name…"

1242
01:05:15,000 --> 01:05:16,833
I said, "Go fuck yourselves."

1243
01:05:18,291 --> 01:05:20,500
What kind of a dream is that?

1244
01:05:21,041 --> 01:05:22,958
Why would you manifest that?

1245
01:05:23,708 --> 01:05:25,250
God will hear us!

1246
01:05:27,041 --> 01:05:29,166
Shout "I can do
without a million dollars,"

1247
01:05:29,250 --> 01:05:31,541
and God will make sure
to never give it to you.

1248
01:05:31,625 --> 01:05:35,541
Why would the 16-year-old me shout
"I don't want a million dollars,"

1249
01:05:35,625 --> 01:05:37,250
alongside 50,000 strangers?

1250
01:05:37,833 --> 01:05:39,458
We have different dreams.

1251
01:05:41,250 --> 01:05:46,166
I mean, Ali Koç is also shouting,
"I don't want to have a million dollars."

1252
01:05:46,250 --> 01:05:48,625
Because he already has billions.

1253
01:05:49,500 --> 01:05:51,666
He doesn't want to go down to millions.

1254
01:05:52,458 --> 01:05:56,083
But standing there with cheap snacks
and not wanting dollars is odd.

1255
01:05:56,166 --> 01:05:57,458
You don't have money anyway.

1256
01:05:58,666 --> 01:06:02,125
I just said "dollars," right?
Not "millions." That's how dire it is.

1257
01:06:04,583 --> 01:06:06,375
People swear a lot during games.

1258
01:06:06,458 --> 01:06:10,166
And since I'm a "celebrity,"
wherever I go…

1259
01:06:10,250 --> 01:06:12,666
Rather, wherever I went,
since I don't anymore.

1260
01:06:12,750 --> 01:06:15,916
When I used to drink some raki
in Develi before the games…

1261
01:06:16,000 --> 01:06:21,291
People loved seeing me.
"You are our big brother Cem!"

1262
01:06:21,375 --> 01:06:23,125
"Let's lift him!"

1263
01:06:23,208 --> 01:06:26,000
"Big brother Cem!"

1264
01:06:26,083 --> 01:06:27,166
"Oh, kiddos…"

1265
01:06:28,583 --> 01:06:33,541
"You are our beloved big brother Cem!"

1266
01:06:35,000 --> 01:06:39,500
Like they lifted me up
to change my fucking oil.

1267
01:06:39,583 --> 01:06:42,708
"Big brother Cem!"

1268
01:06:42,791 --> 01:06:44,416
"Oh, kiddos!"

1269
01:06:44,500 --> 01:06:46,416
I'm 52 years old, man.

1270
01:06:47,208 --> 01:06:49,458
If I'm going to be felt up like that,

1271
01:06:50,375 --> 01:06:52,458
I wanna choose who gets to do it.

1272
01:06:59,750 --> 01:07:01,833
And I couldn't go back the next week,

1273
01:07:01,916 --> 01:07:04,666
lest they say,
"That faggot really likes this."

1274
01:07:07,000 --> 01:07:08,958
"This is why he's here," they'd say.

1275
01:07:13,250 --> 01:07:15,291
And I hate one more thing.

1276
01:07:15,916 --> 01:07:18,791
Let's say we lose… As always.

1277
01:07:19,833 --> 01:07:22,125
After the loss, as I'm walking to my car,

1278
01:07:22,208 --> 01:07:24,916
someone says,
"3-0! Thanks for bringing bad luck!"

1279
01:07:26,750 --> 01:07:29,666
Am I the fucking center forward
of Fenerbahçe?

1280
01:07:29,750 --> 01:07:34,000
I'm just a poor spectator like you.

1281
01:07:35,250 --> 01:07:37,250
"Big brother Cem!"

1282
01:07:38,958 --> 01:07:40,041
It's so bad.

1283
01:07:41,750 --> 01:07:44,833
But they really are a resilient group.

1284
01:07:44,916 --> 01:07:47,083
Don't think that my innocent commentary

1285
01:07:47,166 --> 01:07:50,333
can ever stop people
from using swear words in games.

1286
01:07:50,416 --> 01:07:53,375
That kind of thinking
reminds me of an old joke of mine.

1287
01:07:53,458 --> 01:07:55,958
A Saint-Joseph alumnus
in the military canteen going,

1288
01:07:56,041 --> 01:07:57,541
"Don't swear, you dicks!"

1289
01:07:57,625 --> 01:07:59,541
This is very similar.

1290
01:07:59,625 --> 01:08:01,666
I can't fully explain myself.

1291
01:08:01,750 --> 01:08:05,375
And nobody actually believes
that I feel this way

1292
01:08:05,458 --> 01:08:07,333
because I do use swear words.

1293
01:08:07,416 --> 01:08:09,541
But swear words must have a purpose.

1294
01:08:09,625 --> 01:08:13,666
They can be used for comedic effect
when talking about someone.

1295
01:08:13,750 --> 01:08:16,333
But don't yell at a football player,

1296
01:08:16,416 --> 01:08:19,208
"Go wider, you motherfucker!"

1297
01:08:20,208 --> 01:08:22,625
"We'll fuck you guys up!"

1298
01:08:22,708 --> 01:08:25,375
Is this a rule of football?

1299
01:08:26,208 --> 01:08:29,500
Isn't it enough to score goals
to win the game?

1300
01:08:29,583 --> 01:08:32,000
"We'll fuck you guys up!"

1301
01:08:32,083 --> 01:08:34,291
Is there a separate tally for that?

1302
01:08:34,791 --> 01:08:37,166
"We won 4-0, but we failed to fuck them."

1303
01:08:37,250 --> 01:08:39,041
Is that a thing?

1304
01:08:39,125 --> 01:08:40,750
Then why must they swear?

1305
01:08:43,041 --> 01:08:44,583
This is all true.

1306
01:08:46,000 --> 01:08:47,875
I'm really sorry, sister.

1307
01:08:47,958 --> 01:08:50,500
You seem uncomfortable with this topic.

1308
01:08:50,583 --> 01:08:53,250
You are hearing stuff
you've never heard of before.

1309
01:08:54,083 --> 01:08:56,208
Wait, no. That sounded like an insult.

1310
01:08:57,916 --> 01:08:59,875
-Have you ever been to a game?
-Me?

1311
01:08:59,958 --> 01:09:02,791
No, kiddo.
I'm talking to the women behind you.

1312
01:09:02,875 --> 01:09:05,041
There are people other than you, kid.

1313
01:09:05,541 --> 01:09:07,708
Why did you marry this selfish person?

1314
01:09:08,291 --> 01:09:11,458
"Me? There are other people? Where?"

1315
01:09:12,291 --> 01:09:14,750
-Have you been to a game?
-No.

1316
01:09:14,833 --> 01:09:18,041
Believe me,
you would have a really hard time there.

1317
01:09:18,125 --> 01:09:20,875
It's ugly what goes on there.

1318
01:09:20,958 --> 01:09:22,958
Ladies swear as well!

1319
01:09:23,041 --> 01:09:24,666
And they insult personally!

1320
01:09:24,750 --> 01:09:26,958
"Number six, I'll fuck you up!"

1321
01:09:27,625 --> 01:09:29,583
Even though she doesn't have the hardware.

1322
01:09:30,208 --> 01:09:32,333
They stripped the word of its meaning.

1323
01:09:34,750 --> 01:09:35,833
There's a saying,

1324
01:09:35,916 --> 01:09:39,125
"Are you just bad with numbers,
or have you never been beaten up?"

1325
01:09:39,208 --> 01:09:41,250
I've been on a football field.

1326
01:09:41,333 --> 01:09:43,416
There's more to it,

1327
01:09:43,500 --> 01:09:48,041
but generally, a football field
is 100 meters by 45 meters.

1328
01:09:48,125 --> 01:09:51,625
And he yells at a midfielder,
"Go wide, motherfucker!"

1329
01:09:51,708 --> 01:09:54,750
Just fucking look at it!
Have you been on a field?

1330
01:09:55,250 --> 01:09:58,000
You'd wanna hail a cab
from midfield to the goal.

1331
01:09:59,125 --> 01:10:01,958
And the cab driver
wouldn't reject the trip for being short.

1332
01:10:02,958 --> 01:10:04,333
"Run," he says!

1333
01:10:04,416 --> 01:10:06,958
Meanwhile, the players' hearts
are like this big.

1334
01:10:07,041 --> 01:10:08,958
But people have no respect for talent.

1335
01:10:09,041 --> 01:10:13,708
Look, friends. I've been to some games
in Spain with my son.

1336
01:10:13,791 --> 01:10:15,250
We like to go sometimes.

1337
01:10:19,000 --> 01:10:22,500
We watched the Barcelona-Valencia game.

1338
01:10:22,583 --> 01:10:24,375
It was like a billiards match.

1339
01:10:24,458 --> 01:10:26,000
This is how fans watch it.

1340
01:10:27,291 --> 01:10:28,291
Olé!

1341
01:10:28,375 --> 01:10:30,041
The end score was 7-1.

1342
01:10:30,791 --> 01:10:32,666
Goal! Olé!

1343
01:10:33,250 --> 01:10:35,208
There was no "Fuck your mother!"

1344
01:10:35,291 --> 01:10:39,791
No "We will fuck you up!" Nothing.

1345
01:10:39,875 --> 01:10:43,500
Just good old clean football.
I was amazed.

1346
01:10:43,583 --> 01:10:47,000
I swear, there is no chance we can fix it.

1347
01:10:47,083 --> 01:10:50,875
So I swore off going to football matches.

1348
01:10:50,958 --> 01:10:53,916
I don't like people shouting,
"We will fuck you!"

1349
01:10:54,000 --> 01:10:56,041
like a bunch of 9-year-olds.

1350
01:10:56,125 --> 01:10:58,500
A man shouldn't be seen doing that.

1351
01:10:58,583 --> 01:11:00,791
Same goes for a woman.

1352
01:11:00,875 --> 01:11:03,583
Why do they think about sexual acts there?

1353
01:11:03,666 --> 01:11:04,916
I think I figured it out.

1354
01:11:05,000 --> 01:11:07,583
Since I do those things at home,

1355
01:11:08,291 --> 01:11:11,333
I don't think about it at the games.

1356
01:11:11,416 --> 01:11:14,000
It's just football.
Goal, penalty shot, offside…

1357
01:11:14,083 --> 01:11:19,291
Do all that "fucking" stuff at home
and then come watch the game.

1358
01:11:19,375 --> 01:11:22,208
Do those things
when you aren't watching football.

1359
01:11:23,875 --> 01:11:26,416
It's so weird. It is.

1360
01:11:27,166 --> 01:11:28,583
I said I wouldn't go,

1361
01:11:28,666 --> 01:11:32,333
but the sound guy for our movies
managed to convince me.

1362
01:11:33,791 --> 01:11:36,208
Levent said,
"Why don't you come to the games, Cem?"

1363
01:11:36,291 --> 01:11:38,875
"We are going to Lisbon, Portugal

1364
01:11:38,958 --> 01:11:42,083
for the Benfica game."

1365
01:11:42,166 --> 01:11:46,916
"We arranged a charter flight
for our elite group of 100 people."

1366
01:11:47,500 --> 01:11:48,833
And what is being elite?

1367
01:11:50,000 --> 01:11:51,416
Being elite is love.

1368
01:11:52,375 --> 01:11:56,166
He said it was an elite group.

1369
01:11:56,250 --> 01:12:00,708
I said, "Levent, I don't want to
kill you guys' vibe, nor do I want to…"

1370
01:12:00,791 --> 01:12:03,333
I just don't like that whole scene.

1371
01:12:03,416 --> 01:12:08,208
I left behind that whole
boy scouts mentality in middle school.

1372
01:12:08,958 --> 01:12:12,458
I mean, even my son doesn't act like that.
So I said no.

1373
01:12:12,541 --> 01:12:16,666
He said, "These are all
distinguished people. No hooligans."

1374
01:12:17,250 --> 01:12:19,666
My big brother and cousin
also decided to go.

1375
01:12:19,750 --> 01:12:21,458
And I got convinced.

1376
01:12:21,541 --> 01:12:22,541
Or conned!

1377
01:12:23,041 --> 01:12:24,708
I arrived at the airport.

1378
01:12:24,791 --> 01:12:26,666
I saw a producer friend of mine,

1379
01:12:26,750 --> 01:12:28,791
then an esteemed ad director,

1380
01:12:28,875 --> 01:12:31,458
then a poet
who is well-known in literary circles.

1381
01:12:31,541 --> 01:12:33,833
"Oh, you're also a Fenerbahçe fan, Cem?"

1382
01:12:33,916 --> 01:12:36,875
We got on the plane…
No, before that, in the airport…

1383
01:12:38,083 --> 01:12:40,041
I thought it was a nice group of people.

1384
01:12:40,125 --> 01:12:42,000
But it was only 10:30.

1385
01:12:42,958 --> 01:12:44,291
The plane was at 12:00.

1386
01:12:44,791 --> 01:12:48,083
We all gathered around.
A few weirdos arrived.

1387
01:12:48,166 --> 01:12:50,458
A few guys with bandanas came.

1388
01:12:53,166 --> 01:12:56,125
And then the background chant,
"Your mother's cunt…"

1389
01:12:56,208 --> 01:12:59,458
And when I noticed it,
I knew I was fucked.

1390
01:12:59,541 --> 01:13:02,125
I didn't want to kill their vibe

1391
01:13:02,208 --> 01:13:06,125
or be the stuck-up guy of the group.

1392
01:13:06,875 --> 01:13:12,708
We had a few beers and boarded the plane.
And dude…

1393
01:13:12,791 --> 01:13:16,500
They were hitting the covers and stuff.
Even before take-off,

1394
01:13:16,583 --> 01:13:20,416
the pilot threatened
to land the plane in Lüleburgaz.

1395
01:13:21,083 --> 01:13:22,500
We hadn't even taken off.

1396
01:13:23,583 --> 01:13:25,916
Lisbon is, what, four hours away?

1397
01:13:26,000 --> 01:13:27,666
Oh, dear…

1398
01:13:31,708 --> 01:13:34,291
We still had four hours of flight
ahead of us.

1399
01:13:34,375 --> 01:13:36,208
The attendant told them to sit down.

1400
01:13:36,291 --> 01:13:38,458
Their reply? "Fuck sitting!"

1401
01:13:38,541 --> 01:13:41,916
You should've seen those people.
Swearing and stuff.

1402
01:13:42,708 --> 01:13:46,958
Look, friends.
Here's what I'm trying to tell you.

1403
01:13:47,541 --> 01:13:52,458
I was taught that using swear words
was different from being disrespectful.

1404
01:13:52,541 --> 01:13:56,666
You can find swear words
in the dictionary as well. So what?

1405
01:13:56,750 --> 01:14:00,458
So I find it so exhausting

1406
01:14:00,541 --> 01:14:03,750
that people claim
to have learned bad manners

1407
01:14:03,833 --> 01:14:06,541
from movies, TV shows,
literary works, and stuff.

1408
01:14:06,625 --> 01:14:09,583
What a stupid take! That makes no sense!

1409
01:14:09,666 --> 01:14:11,916
There's turmoil in the streets.

1410
01:14:12,000 --> 01:14:14,958
I had a bad experience 16 years ago.

1411
01:14:15,916 --> 01:14:18,916
That very day, I told my big brother,

1412
01:14:19,000 --> 01:14:23,041
"I had a bad experience with a cab driver.
I'll tell it on stage."

1413
01:14:23,916 --> 01:14:26,041
He said, "Don't do it, dude."

1414
01:14:26,125 --> 01:14:27,833
"People won't believe you."

1415
01:14:27,916 --> 01:14:30,583
"They'll think you're making some of it up

1416
01:14:30,666 --> 01:14:33,250
and changing some other bits
for comedic effect."

1417
01:14:33,333 --> 01:14:36,208
"This story is too vulgar.
It won't be received well."

1418
01:14:36,291 --> 01:14:38,541
"They'll find it
disrespectful and irritating."

1419
01:14:38,625 --> 01:14:40,541
That was 16 years ago!

1420
01:14:40,625 --> 01:14:41,875
Now I get to tell it.

1421
01:14:43,625 --> 01:14:46,750
Yes. You need to hear about it.

1422
01:14:47,625 --> 01:14:50,541
Because people want to forget some stuff.

1423
01:14:50,625 --> 01:14:53,291
I hailed a cab in Mecidiyeköy.

1424
01:14:53,375 --> 01:14:56,583
Good old days when you could speak Turkish
and get a cab.

1425
01:14:56,666 --> 01:14:59,083
You could hail a cab and they'd stop.
So odd.

1426
01:14:59,916 --> 01:15:02,208
"I'm going to Levent," I said.
The driver welcomed me.

1427
01:15:02,291 --> 01:15:05,375
He was a sweet, charming boy.

1428
01:15:05,458 --> 01:15:07,916
He asked, "Do you recognize me, Mr. Cem?"

1429
01:15:08,000 --> 01:15:08,958
"No."

1430
01:15:09,041 --> 01:15:12,166
"It's so nice to see you here in my taxi."

1431
01:15:12,250 --> 01:15:16,416
"Can I take you
to our taxi stand in Çeliktepe?"

1432
01:15:19,791 --> 01:15:22,208
He wants to show me
to his fellow taxi drivers.

1433
01:15:24,791 --> 01:15:27,833
With all that pressure,
I said, "Okay, we can go."

1434
01:15:27,916 --> 01:15:30,458
"But please at least make it short."

1435
01:15:30,541 --> 01:15:32,083
"Brother," he said,

1436
01:15:32,166 --> 01:15:36,541
"you don't recognize me,
but I'm a friend of Erkan the Thief

1437
01:15:37,041 --> 01:15:42,583
who was your schoolmate in Gültepe."

1438
01:15:43,791 --> 01:15:45,500
So I guess we were close.

1439
01:15:46,583 --> 01:15:47,875
Erkan the Thief.

1440
01:15:48,375 --> 01:15:49,583
The driver said,

1441
01:15:49,666 --> 01:15:51,916
"They love you over there. Please."

1442
01:15:52,000 --> 01:15:53,708
"We'll just say hello and move on."

1443
01:15:53,791 --> 01:15:55,250
I said, "Fine. Make it short."

1444
01:15:55,333 --> 01:15:57,333
And I'm telling you, this is all true.

1445
01:15:58,083 --> 01:16:00,291
I was in the front passenger seat.

1446
01:16:00,791 --> 01:16:03,166
The driver was here,
and the stand was there.

1447
01:16:03,250 --> 01:16:06,166
He hit the brakes hard
and yelled out the open window,

1448
01:16:06,250 --> 01:16:07,666
"Optic!"

1449
01:16:07,750 --> 01:16:11,250
"Optic, do you see
who I have in the cab with me?"

1450
01:16:11,333 --> 01:16:15,458
"It's big brother Cem!
He will fuck you up!"

1451
01:16:24,750 --> 01:16:29,291
What did I do?

1452
01:16:30,166 --> 01:16:32,291
I hailed a cab in Mecidiyeköy.

1453
01:16:33,708 --> 01:16:36,125
And took it to some of the roughest areas…

1454
01:16:36,208 --> 01:16:39,375
I mean, the way he told it,
here's what I did.

1455
01:16:39,458 --> 01:16:40,541
I hail a cab and say,

1456
01:16:40,625 --> 01:16:43,041
"Take me to Çeliktepe. I'll fuck them up!"

1457
01:16:43,125 --> 01:16:45,708
Dude, what did I do?
I was just going home.

1458
01:16:46,625 --> 01:16:50,083
He just yelled that at the stand.

1459
01:16:50,166 --> 01:16:53,500
And they were huge and heavily built.

1460
01:16:53,583 --> 01:16:55,083
And the guy he called "Optic"…

1461
01:16:55,166 --> 01:16:58,666
Nobody once disrespected me in any way.

1462
01:16:58,750 --> 01:17:01,041
Optic came to the window like this.

1463
01:17:01,125 --> 01:17:06,041
"Mr. Cem, where did you find
this son of a bitch?"

1464
01:17:06,541 --> 01:17:09,708
"His mother works at a whorehouse."

1465
01:17:10,208 --> 01:17:11,708
This is how I looked.

1466
01:17:12,750 --> 01:17:15,333
I was back to being a 12-year-old

1467
01:17:15,416 --> 01:17:17,208
watching a game at Wimbledon.

1468
01:17:18,583 --> 01:17:21,291
It was a true back-and-forth.

1469
01:17:21,791 --> 01:17:25,958
I swear to God.
And I wasn't young guy, I was in my 40s.

1470
01:17:26,625 --> 01:17:29,166
They insulted each other
for three minutes.

1471
01:17:29,250 --> 01:17:31,000
Three whole minutes!

1472
01:17:32,416 --> 01:17:33,708
And I just froze.

1473
01:17:35,833 --> 01:17:38,500
And somehow, they just made up.

1474
01:17:40,333 --> 01:17:42,791
He took me to my place in Levent.

1475
01:17:42,875 --> 01:17:44,500
And he apologized.

1476
01:17:46,625 --> 01:17:49,916
I was alone at home.
I started feeling queasy.

1477
01:17:50,416 --> 01:17:52,416
I felt like I needed to wash up.

1478
01:17:54,000 --> 01:17:56,416
They did something on me, you know?

1479
01:18:01,000 --> 01:18:03,708
Unbelievable, really.

1480
01:18:04,833 --> 01:18:06,500
I still remember that flight.

1481
01:18:07,000 --> 01:18:10,375
All that ruckus and shouts of "Portugal!"

1482
01:18:10,458 --> 01:18:12,833
I had such a hard time.

1483
01:18:12,916 --> 01:18:15,833
We landed in Portugal.
And I don't really speak Portuguese.

1484
01:18:15,916 --> 01:18:17,458
And the police saw

1485
01:18:17,541 --> 01:18:20,666
that some people's eyebrows
were split open.

1486
01:18:20,750 --> 01:18:22,708
I mean, who got beaten by whom?

1487
01:18:23,500 --> 01:18:25,833
We hadn't even went to the games yet.

1488
01:18:25,916 --> 01:18:27,708
It was later that day or the next day.

1489
01:18:28,833 --> 01:18:29,958
The police goes…

1490
01:18:32,166 --> 01:18:33,916
"Don't fucking talk to us like that!"

1491
01:18:35,000 --> 01:18:38,541
I bought a ticket right after we landed
and went back.

1492
01:18:38,625 --> 01:18:41,291
You guys are laughing,
but most of the men here

1493
01:18:41,375 --> 01:18:44,666
are actually thinking,
"I wouldn't take this guy to a match."

1494
01:18:44,750 --> 01:18:46,458
That's how you feel. I get it.

1495
01:18:46,541 --> 01:18:50,916
But this just isn't
about football anymore.

1496
01:18:52,416 --> 01:18:53,833
This…

1497
01:18:54,541 --> 01:18:56,541
This is the root of all evil.

1498
01:18:58,541 --> 01:19:00,708
I hate drunkenness.

1499
01:19:00,791 --> 01:19:02,541
It gets on my nerves.

1500
01:19:02,625 --> 01:19:04,083
Doesn't matter who it is.

1501
01:19:04,166 --> 01:19:05,833
I find it abhorrent.

1502
01:19:05,916 --> 01:19:09,000
-Do you have a favorite drink, brother?
-Whiskey.

1503
01:19:09,083 --> 01:19:10,583
A whiskey drinker.

1504
01:19:10,666 --> 01:19:12,875
-And the lady?
-She likes to join me.

1505
01:19:12,958 --> 01:19:15,458
Are you mad at me, sister?
Why don't you talk?

1506
01:19:16,208 --> 01:19:17,791
She did this.

1507
01:19:19,625 --> 01:19:22,166
That can work on him, but not on me.

1508
01:19:23,125 --> 01:19:25,875
Only he'll be affected
by that "Honey!" attitude.

1509
01:19:25,958 --> 01:19:27,000
Not me.

1510
01:19:27,083 --> 01:19:29,833
Do you drink, boys?

1511
01:19:29,916 --> 01:19:32,000
Don't drink, lads.

1512
01:19:32,750 --> 01:19:34,375
I was on the phone just now.

1513
01:19:36,000 --> 01:19:38,583
Alcohol is too expensive
in Türkiye anyway.

1514
01:19:38,666 --> 01:19:40,416
Isn't that right, guys?

1515
01:19:41,791 --> 01:19:44,916
People make bootleg liquor at home.
It's absurd.

1516
01:19:45,000 --> 01:19:47,500
It's so hard to do.
There's also a little twist.

1517
01:19:47,583 --> 01:19:51,625
They hide the type of alcohol
needed to make bootleg.

1518
01:19:51,708 --> 01:19:55,166
We've had so many scandals
over the last few years.

1519
01:19:55,250 --> 01:19:56,750
Making liquor at home

1520
01:19:57,708 --> 01:20:00,291
is part of our culture, yes.

1521
01:20:00,375 --> 01:20:04,500
But nowadays, people are doing it
to save money.

1522
01:20:04,583 --> 01:20:06,250
I don't think that's quite right.

1523
01:20:06,333 --> 01:20:09,583
It's one of the most obvious problems
I see in this government.

1524
01:20:11,333 --> 01:20:13,083
Everything else is all good.

1525
01:20:15,916 --> 01:20:18,708
I don't get people who make raki at home.

1526
01:20:18,791 --> 01:20:22,041
Especially when they do it in one day
by watching YouTube videos.

1527
01:20:22,958 --> 01:20:24,333
"Mehmet, try this."

1528
01:20:25,666 --> 01:20:27,291
"I'm here, Cengiz." "Oh."

1529
01:20:27,833 --> 01:20:29,083
You know?

1530
01:20:31,458 --> 01:20:32,375
It's not right.

1531
01:20:33,250 --> 01:20:35,291
You are a whiskey drinker.

1532
01:20:35,875 --> 01:20:39,000
As long as you don't get
too drunk and miserable,

1533
01:20:39,083 --> 01:20:41,625
you can have your drink as you like.

1534
01:20:41,708 --> 01:20:44,833
I really dislike drunkenness.

1535
01:20:45,333 --> 01:20:49,083
People think that drunkenness
comes with wisdom,

1536
01:20:49,166 --> 01:20:52,583
that they turn into Neyzen Tevfik
when drunk.

1537
01:20:52,666 --> 01:20:53,791
They talk big.

1538
01:20:53,875 --> 01:20:56,291
"…and fuck your grandma!"

1539
01:20:57,291 --> 01:21:01,208
If you are the great Neyzen,
you're still him when drunk.

1540
01:21:01,291 --> 01:21:04,291
If you're a shithead,
then you become a drunken shithead.

1541
01:21:04,375 --> 01:21:06,541
Drunk people are predictable.

1542
01:21:07,166 --> 01:21:10,333
Drunk people are unnecessarily blunt.

1543
01:21:10,416 --> 01:21:12,375
It makes no sense.

1544
01:21:12,458 --> 01:21:14,958
"Let me tell you something.
You are an asshole!"

1545
01:21:15,791 --> 01:21:18,166
What do you intend to gain out of this?

1546
01:21:19,666 --> 01:21:21,750
They change their minds
in five minutes anyway.

1547
01:21:21,833 --> 01:21:23,708
"I'm sorry. I'm the asshole."

1548
01:21:23,791 --> 01:21:25,291
You know?

1549
01:21:25,375 --> 01:21:27,458
If we're going to go in circles,

1550
01:21:27,541 --> 01:21:30,208
I don't want to drink with you.

1551
01:21:30,708 --> 01:21:33,958
I heard a great anecdote
from an older guy.

1552
01:21:34,041 --> 01:21:37,500
I was only like 19 at the time.

1553
01:21:37,583 --> 01:21:40,916
So this happened 33 years ago.

1554
01:21:41,000 --> 01:21:43,958
You may have heard the joke,
but it's actually a true story.

1555
01:21:44,041 --> 01:21:45,333
I love the fact that

1556
01:21:45,416 --> 01:21:49,208
things we actually lived through
are told as jokes.

1557
01:21:49,291 --> 01:21:52,250
They're in a car, and Ahmet goes,

1558
01:21:52,333 --> 01:21:55,666
"Sinan, I can drive if you're too wasted."

1559
01:21:56,250 --> 01:21:59,333
Sinan replies,
"Ahmet, you already are driving."

1560
01:22:00,791 --> 01:22:01,875
And this is…

1561
01:22:05,083 --> 01:22:10,250
This one is seriously one of my favorites.

1562
01:22:10,333 --> 01:22:12,083
It's so good.

1563
01:22:12,166 --> 01:22:14,166
Nothing has been able to top it.

1564
01:22:14,250 --> 01:22:17,083
And it still remains a mystery.

1565
01:22:17,166 --> 01:22:20,208
We still don't know
who was driving that night.

1566
01:22:21,333 --> 01:22:23,000
Isn't that amazing?

1567
01:22:24,083 --> 01:22:25,041
Drunkenness sucks.

1568
01:22:25,125 --> 01:22:27,500
But I like cultural drinks.

1569
01:22:27,583 --> 01:22:29,458
Have you been to Scotland?

1570
01:22:29,541 --> 01:22:32,541
I see. I recommend it.
Take the wife and go.

1571
01:22:32,625 --> 01:22:34,250
It's a nice and cultural trip.

1572
01:22:34,333 --> 01:22:39,250
I've been to thousand-year-old places
in Scotland.

1573
01:22:42,791 --> 01:22:45,291
I saw something amazing the other day.

1574
01:22:45,375 --> 01:22:47,541
Do you know Bülent Şakrak?

1575
01:22:48,208 --> 01:22:50,458
Man, people are out of their minds.

1576
01:22:50,541 --> 01:22:54,291
Amid all this tension,
Bülent managed to plan

1577
01:22:54,375 --> 01:22:56,000
a two-day vacation on Eid.

1578
01:22:56,083 --> 01:22:57,916
As he was boarding a ferry to Lesbos,

1579
01:22:58,000 --> 01:23:00,500
the paparazzi spotted him
at the harbor in Ayvalık.

1580
01:23:00,583 --> 01:23:03,583
"You are going to Lesbos, Mr. Bülent?"
And he smiled.

1581
01:23:03,666 --> 01:23:06,166
And someone commented, "Greek spawn!"

1582
01:23:07,791 --> 01:23:10,500
He's just going to drink raki in Lesbos.

1583
01:23:10,583 --> 01:23:13,416
Lunatics are acting like he joined EOKA.

1584
01:23:14,041 --> 01:23:16,791
This Turkish-Greek tension
is driving me insane.

1585
01:23:16,875 --> 01:23:18,583
We are just having a good time…

1586
01:23:23,166 --> 01:23:25,583
Where the fuck
did these fighter jets come from?

1587
01:23:26,250 --> 01:23:28,333
"Cancel the tzatziki, please."

1588
01:23:31,875 --> 01:23:35,333
Can you fucking decide
if we're neighbors or enemies?

1589
01:23:35,416 --> 01:23:37,750
We had to leave so many events early.

1590
01:23:43,083 --> 01:23:44,666
Alright, I'm heading out.

1591
01:23:49,625 --> 01:23:53,291
We are nervously checking out the jets
while trying to enjoy raki.

1592
01:23:53,791 --> 01:23:57,750
Anyway, we went to Scotland.
Wore those kilts and everything.

1593
01:23:58,333 --> 01:24:02,458
And they once again found
something wrong with it.

1594
01:24:02,541 --> 01:24:05,708
The news article read, "They wore kilts!"

1595
01:24:06,208 --> 01:24:07,208
So?

1596
01:24:08,625 --> 01:24:12,083
They're trying to put you down
for something you do,

1597
01:24:12,166 --> 01:24:15,666
but they're unaware
that their insinuations

1598
01:24:15,750 --> 01:24:19,041
don't even mean anything to you.

1599
01:24:19,125 --> 01:24:20,458
It's so odd.

1600
01:24:20,541 --> 01:24:22,833
"Did you wear kilts there?" "Yes."

1601
01:24:22,916 --> 01:24:25,375
Why would that bother me?

1602
01:24:25,458 --> 01:24:27,750
What's wrong with wearing kilts?

1603
01:24:27,833 --> 01:24:30,166
Especially in Scotland!

1604
01:24:30,250 --> 01:24:33,291
Here, 68% of the audience
wears skirts or dresses.

1605
01:24:33,375 --> 01:24:35,083
Is that something humiliating?

1606
01:24:35,166 --> 01:24:37,875
I don't understand these wild takes.

1607
01:24:37,958 --> 01:24:40,625
We wore the kilts.

1608
01:24:41,250 --> 01:24:43,916
And went about sightseeing.
Uraz was also with us.

1609
01:24:44,000 --> 01:24:45,583
"They wore kilts in Scotland!"

1610
01:24:45,666 --> 01:24:49,250
It's not even considered
a feminine thing over there.

1611
01:24:49,333 --> 01:24:52,625
And Scotsmen are not effeminate.

1612
01:24:52,708 --> 01:24:57,000
And I find kilts
more aggressive than pants.

1613
01:24:57,833 --> 01:25:01,875
You don't wear anything underneath,
and it has a slit.

1614
01:25:02,416 --> 01:25:04,041
Don't be fooled by the plaid.

1615
01:25:04,125 --> 01:25:07,416
It's more threatening
in terms of masculinity.

1616
01:25:07,500 --> 01:25:11,833
If you find yourself in a masculinity duel
with a Scotsman,

1617
01:25:11,916 --> 01:25:13,708
before you could unbuckle your belt,

1618
01:25:13,791 --> 01:25:15,916
you'd find Morgan right there.

1619
01:25:16,916 --> 01:25:19,250
"What's going on?"
"Nothing. Carry on."

1620
01:25:21,666 --> 01:25:25,333
We have a cute saying in our culture
about drinking.

1621
01:25:25,416 --> 01:25:27,666
It blinds us a bit.

1622
01:25:27,750 --> 01:25:30,583
Do you know what it is?
You know those clichés?

1623
01:25:30,666 --> 01:25:33,083
This one is also a cliché.

1624
01:25:33,166 --> 01:25:37,958
It goes, "Whatever doesn't kill me
makes me stronger."

1625
01:25:38,041 --> 01:25:39,458
Stronger my ass!

1626
01:25:39,541 --> 01:25:42,375
What does it even mean?

1627
01:25:42,458 --> 01:25:44,208
It's just a poetic sentence.

1628
01:25:44,291 --> 01:25:46,375
How could it make you stronger?

1629
01:25:46,458 --> 01:25:48,125
I throw a spear at you…

1630
01:25:48,916 --> 01:25:51,833
"It didn't kill me! It made me stronger!"

1631
01:25:54,583 --> 01:25:57,041
Whatever doesn't kill you
makes you disabled.

1632
01:25:58,500 --> 01:26:00,416
It's not how life works.

1633
01:26:00,500 --> 01:26:02,208
Don't be fooled by fancy words.

1634
01:26:02,291 --> 01:26:04,791
"Whatever doesn't kill you
makes you stronger."

1635
01:26:04,875 --> 01:26:07,666
We are all so bizarre
when it comes to clichés.

1636
01:26:07,750 --> 01:26:10,958
We all tend to fall for clichés.

1637
01:26:12,541 --> 01:26:16,291
Even when telling you to be carefree,
people want you to put in effort.

1638
01:26:16,375 --> 01:26:18,166
There's a saying in Türkiye,

1639
01:26:18,250 --> 01:26:21,958
"Don't worry about him, dude.
Fuck him." You know?

1640
01:26:22,750 --> 01:26:24,625
Even that takes effort!

1641
01:26:25,625 --> 01:26:28,583
They want you to do some chores
to stop worrying.

1642
01:26:28,666 --> 01:26:32,333
What do you mean "Fuck him"?
Even the preparation takes half an hour.

1643
01:26:36,541 --> 01:26:38,625
The fact that only some people laughed

1644
01:26:39,625 --> 01:26:42,291
shows us
that this is still considered taboo.

1645
01:26:44,000 --> 01:26:45,083
Okay, okay!

1646
01:26:45,166 --> 01:26:47,791
You can leave, auntie.
Things are going downhill.

1647
01:26:49,541 --> 01:26:52,500
All that effort for being carefree!

1648
01:26:52,583 --> 01:26:55,291
There's also a nice saying about drinking.

1649
01:26:55,833 --> 01:26:59,333
"Get drunk, glow up!" Right?

1650
01:26:59,416 --> 01:27:01,583
We fall for this saying.

1651
01:27:01,666 --> 01:27:03,333
"Get drunk, glow up!"

1652
01:27:03,416 --> 01:27:06,541
And what's the success rate? One percent.

1653
01:27:07,416 --> 01:27:10,833
How many people
actually glow up by drinking?

1654
01:27:13,375 --> 01:27:16,333
And when it comes to
physical attractiveness…

1655
01:27:16,416 --> 01:27:20,083
I'm really not interested in that subject.

1656
01:27:20,166 --> 01:27:25,000
They say about me, "Look at that ugly guy
hanging out with that pretty girl!"

1657
01:27:25,083 --> 01:27:26,916
"God damn you!"

1658
01:27:27,416 --> 01:27:30,833
Why should I be as pretty as my partner?
Do I look like a woman?

1659
01:27:32,041 --> 01:27:33,958
Do I need to be as pretty as her?

1660
01:27:34,041 --> 01:27:36,291
Should I have the same big lips?

1661
01:27:36,375 --> 01:27:39,083
Perky boobs, tall legs, and everything?

1662
01:27:39,166 --> 01:27:41,500
What nonsense is this?

1663
01:27:41,583 --> 01:27:43,958
What a weird thing to say!

1664
01:27:44,041 --> 01:27:46,791
"She's so pretty.
And there's this ugly fucker."

1665
01:27:47,958 --> 01:27:50,125
And? "She's prettier." Yes, and?

1666
01:27:51,375 --> 01:27:53,916
Should I be
keeping the conversation going?

1667
01:27:54,000 --> 01:27:55,625
"He's also something."

1668
01:27:56,750 --> 01:27:58,666
"He looks even better than the girl."

1669
01:27:58,750 --> 01:28:01,000
Is this how it's supposed to go?

1670
01:28:01,958 --> 01:28:04,833
One time, I was eating out alone.

1671
01:28:05,333 --> 01:28:07,250
To nobody's surprise, of course.

1672
01:28:07,750 --> 01:28:11,541
Then a famous plastic surgeon
came up to me.

1673
01:28:11,625 --> 01:28:13,208
You know that cliché

1674
01:28:14,041 --> 01:28:18,625
of the nightclub kingpin
offering you a job by giving you his card?

1675
01:28:18,708 --> 01:28:22,833
He came up to me while I was eating
and whispered in my ear.

1676
01:28:24,666 --> 01:28:26,083
"The ears."

1677
01:28:28,625 --> 01:28:32,666
He recommends me to see him
to get my ears done.

1678
01:28:32,750 --> 01:28:35,333
The plastic surgeon
gave me his business card.

1679
01:28:35,416 --> 01:28:39,083
He thinks I should get my ears done
at this age!

1680
01:28:39,166 --> 01:28:41,458
What an asshole!

1681
01:28:41,541 --> 01:28:43,833
Anyway, I sent him away.

1682
01:28:43,916 --> 01:28:46,291
And then, about three years later,

1683
01:28:46,375 --> 01:28:49,625
I saw an article titled,
"Celebrities who had cosmetic surgery."

1684
01:28:49,708 --> 01:28:51,041
And I was in it.

1685
01:28:51,875 --> 01:28:54,625
It said I got my ears done.

1686
01:28:55,375 --> 01:28:57,000
How much did I get them done?

1687
01:28:57,541 --> 01:28:59,916
My ears stuck out more as a kid.

1688
01:29:00,000 --> 01:29:01,916
And now that I'm over 50,

1689
01:29:02,000 --> 01:29:05,416
my head got a bit bigger,
so maybe they stick out slightly less.

1690
01:29:05,500 --> 01:29:06,916
What else could it be?

1691
01:29:07,000 --> 01:29:11,500
I went there to get my ears done
but stopped at this point?

1692
01:29:12,000 --> 01:29:14,458
Because I ran out of money or something?

1693
01:29:14,541 --> 01:29:17,000
They're pinning them back
and I go, "Enough!"

1694
01:29:17,750 --> 01:29:20,000
"I need to save money
for my son's education!"

1695
01:29:21,000 --> 01:29:23,875
What I'm going to say now
doesn't apply to you.

1696
01:29:23,958 --> 01:29:26,166
But one night, right after I said,

1697
01:29:26,250 --> 01:29:30,541
"Cosmetic surgeries have become
really popular in the last ten years."

1698
01:29:30,625 --> 01:29:32,791
And when I looked up at the audience,

1699
01:29:32,875 --> 01:29:35,208
I realized
those were the people I was mocking.

1700
01:29:36,458 --> 01:29:37,666
Someone shouted,

1701
01:29:37,750 --> 01:29:40,041
"Cem, tell us more about the gorilla!"

1702
01:29:40,958 --> 01:29:42,833
"Do that nice gorilla impression again."

1703
01:29:42,916 --> 01:29:45,958
They wanted to change the subject.

1704
01:29:46,916 --> 01:29:50,083
I understand
it's mostly the women who get work done.

1705
01:29:50,166 --> 01:29:52,041
But men aren't so innocent either.

1706
01:29:52,125 --> 01:29:54,875
Some dudes
look like a ventriloquist's dummy.

1707
01:29:55,500 --> 01:29:58,958
And as a defense mechanism, they say,

1708
01:29:59,041 --> 01:30:01,166
"I haven't had any work done on my face."

1709
01:30:02,000 --> 01:30:05,083
That's what they say.
"Anything on your face, ma'am?"

1710
01:30:05,166 --> 01:30:06,166
"I mean…"

1711
01:30:09,750 --> 01:30:11,541
"A bit of a touch-up."

1712
01:30:13,291 --> 01:30:16,125
Well, you can repair
the rear bumper of a Ford Taunus

1713
01:30:16,208 --> 01:30:17,625
with "a bit of a touch-up."

1714
01:30:18,666 --> 01:30:20,583
What did they use for the touch-up?

1715
01:30:20,666 --> 01:30:22,375
A sledgehammer?

1716
01:30:23,041 --> 01:30:27,791
Nowadays, there are people
who keep having cosmetic surgeries.

1717
01:30:27,875 --> 01:30:29,791
When I was younger,

1718
01:30:30,291 --> 01:30:33,958
in the 80s, Brazil was a very popular
cosmetic surgery destination.

1719
01:30:34,041 --> 01:30:37,166
Brazil was so popular

1720
01:30:37,250 --> 01:30:42,041
partly because of the back-alley surgeries
that couldn't be done in the US.

1721
01:30:42,125 --> 01:30:43,625
Some people have odd requests.

1722
01:30:43,708 --> 01:30:46,750
Normally, it should be,
"I stepped on a mine."

1723
01:30:46,833 --> 01:30:50,000
"Help me reintegrate into society
through reconstructive surgery."

1724
01:30:50,083 --> 01:30:51,541
But these are different.

1725
01:30:51,625 --> 01:30:55,083
Some say what I'm doing is body-shaming.

1726
01:30:55,166 --> 01:30:59,250
"Shame on you! Those little operations
help boost people's confidence!"

1727
01:30:59,333 --> 01:31:00,583
"Why do you mock them?"

1728
01:31:00,666 --> 01:31:03,375
I'm not mocking those people.

1729
01:31:03,458 --> 01:31:05,625
I'm mocking the maniacs.

1730
01:31:05,708 --> 01:31:08,291
I understand people who do it to fit in,

1731
01:31:08,375 --> 01:31:11,583
to be happy with a little touch-up.

1732
01:31:11,666 --> 01:31:14,583
But some people
flip through the catalog and say,

1733
01:31:14,666 --> 01:31:16,375
"You see that monkey's asshole?"

1734
01:31:17,083 --> 01:31:18,625
"Put it on my lips."

1735
01:31:18,708 --> 01:31:22,125
Are we supposed to not make fun of that?

1736
01:31:22,625 --> 01:31:26,708
Can we not mock people
who recklessly change their appearance?

1737
01:31:26,791 --> 01:31:29,625
Especially when we settle
for such ugliness?

1738
01:31:29,708 --> 01:31:31,833
You know that old saying…

1739
01:31:35,083 --> 01:31:36,000
What was it?

1740
01:31:39,166 --> 01:31:40,416
What was that old saying?

1741
01:31:40,500 --> 01:31:42,916
"It would offend God."

1742
01:31:43,416 --> 01:31:44,833
Our elders can attest to it.

1743
01:31:44,916 --> 01:31:47,375
If a person didn't like their appearance…

1744
01:31:47,458 --> 01:31:48,666
"I don't like my nose!"

1745
01:31:48,750 --> 01:31:51,000
"Don't say that. You will offend God."

1746
01:31:51,083 --> 01:31:52,375
But now?

1747
01:31:53,125 --> 01:31:56,750
Nobody cares about
that whole offending God issue.

1748
01:31:56,833 --> 01:31:58,833
Now it's "Give me that French lift."

1749
01:31:58,916 --> 01:32:01,416
"What about God?" "God won't be offended."

1750
01:32:02,000 --> 01:32:05,291
"I use emergency vehicle lights
to use the emergency lane anyway."

1751
01:32:05,916 --> 01:32:08,166
"If that doesn't offend God,
nothing will."

1752
01:32:11,166 --> 01:32:14,000
Everybody is having work done.

1753
01:32:14,083 --> 01:32:18,000
And some people get sad
when nobody can recognize them anymore.

1754
01:32:18,083 --> 01:32:21,166
A friend of mine did that to me.
"How can you not recognize me?"

1755
01:32:21,250 --> 01:32:23,291
"Dude, holy shit!"

1756
01:32:23,375 --> 01:32:25,541
Your own mother won't recognize you.

1757
01:32:26,041 --> 01:32:28,458
Even Death won't recognize you.

1758
01:32:28,541 --> 01:32:30,333
You are immortal.

1759
01:32:30,833 --> 01:32:33,333
He'll walk in with his scythe.
"Mrs. Aynur?"

1760
01:32:34,500 --> 01:32:37,833
"Mrs. Aynur, your time is up.
Good day, ma'am."

1761
01:32:37,916 --> 01:32:40,208
"Mrs. Aynur?"
"I'm Aynur."

1762
01:32:40,291 --> 01:32:43,916
"No fucking way! For real?"

1763
01:32:45,083 --> 01:32:46,958
"What have you done, Mrs. Aynur?"

1764
01:32:52,666 --> 01:32:56,708
"You got some facelift.
French lift. Fake lips."

1765
01:32:57,541 --> 01:32:59,250
"Breast implants."

1766
01:33:00,291 --> 01:33:02,208
"And the lips? Down there too?"

1767
01:33:02,916 --> 01:33:05,291
"I'll just put down four lips."

1768
01:33:07,000 --> 01:33:08,000
"Alright."

1769
01:33:10,125 --> 01:33:11,416
"A bit of a touch-up? Okay."

1770
01:33:11,500 --> 01:33:15,250
Those touch-ups are usually the result
of someone wanting an accomplice.

1771
01:33:15,750 --> 01:33:17,291
Ladies, if a friend

1772
01:33:17,375 --> 01:33:20,750
starts giving you recommendations
regarding your crow's feet,

1773
01:33:20,833 --> 01:33:22,333
just know where that's going.

1774
01:33:22,833 --> 01:33:24,666
"Just have it done, honey."

1775
01:33:24,750 --> 01:33:26,500
"Why?" "Well, I had mine done."

1776
01:33:27,083 --> 01:33:30,166
"What does that have to do with me?"
"Just get it done."

1777
01:33:30,250 --> 01:33:32,333
She's on a certain journey,

1778
01:33:32,416 --> 01:33:34,791
and she really doesn't want to be alone.

1779
01:33:34,875 --> 01:33:38,750
She just wants a crowd with her
in the reckoning.

1780
01:33:38,833 --> 01:33:41,291
The guy goes, "What the fuck?
You will offend God."

1781
01:33:41,375 --> 01:33:42,916
"But we are a crowd."

1782
01:33:43,666 --> 01:33:44,666
That's why.

1783
01:33:45,333 --> 01:33:49,541
"You had a lot of work done, Mrs. Aynur.
God will really be offended."

1784
01:33:50,083 --> 01:33:53,375
"Alright… There's that, and that…
A liposuction."

1785
01:33:53,458 --> 01:33:55,291
"Please walk so I can check your ass."

1786
01:33:56,500 --> 01:33:57,500
"Ah!"

1787
01:33:59,625 --> 01:34:01,000
"His least favorite."

1788
01:34:06,041 --> 01:34:08,000
"He finds this one the most offensive."

1789
01:34:10,041 --> 01:34:12,083
I'm asking you, as a friend…

1790
01:34:12,583 --> 01:34:14,208
Please forgive us, sisters.

1791
01:34:14,291 --> 01:34:16,833
It's an honest question. Think well.

1792
01:34:16,916 --> 01:34:19,916
Why would someone have their ass done?

1793
01:34:20,708 --> 01:34:22,791
I'm asking this as a friend.

1794
01:34:24,000 --> 01:34:25,875
I'm 52 years old.

1795
01:34:27,000 --> 01:34:29,833
I have seen my ass maybe once in my life,
not even twice.

1796
01:34:32,333 --> 01:34:35,333
If you put ten asses right in front of me

1797
01:34:35,833 --> 01:34:37,791
and tell me to pick my own ass,

1798
01:34:38,833 --> 01:34:40,791
I swear to God, I couldn't.

1799
01:34:42,000 --> 01:34:43,750
I'd say, "Could be that one."

1800
01:34:46,250 --> 01:34:49,375
Are our asses
really a part of our identity?

1801
01:34:55,125 --> 01:34:56,375
One's face…

1802
01:34:58,125 --> 01:34:59,958
It's about security, right?

1803
01:35:00,041 --> 01:35:04,000
One's face is the most distinct part
of their body

1804
01:35:04,083 --> 01:35:06,833
or even their whole recognizable identity.

1805
01:35:06,916 --> 01:35:09,083
We get recognized by our faces.

1806
01:35:09,166 --> 01:35:12,041
We are identified
by our faces on our ID cards.

1807
01:35:12,125 --> 01:35:15,833
We get identified by our faces
for security purposes.

1808
01:35:15,916 --> 01:35:18,708
Therefore, having work done on your face…

1809
01:35:19,625 --> 01:35:24,041
I guess it kind of falls under
the category we just described.

1810
01:35:24,125 --> 01:35:27,458
You know, it's understandable
to want your face to look better.

1811
01:35:27,541 --> 01:35:31,750
But why would you have work done
on your ass?

1812
01:35:32,250 --> 01:35:33,250
Why?

1813
01:35:34,958 --> 01:35:37,583
What do you need your ass to do?

1814
01:35:37,666 --> 01:35:39,208
Dude… Listen.

1815
01:35:39,708 --> 01:35:42,750
I'm sitting right now.
My ass is serving a function.

1816
01:35:43,833 --> 01:35:47,083
And if I'm uncomfortable,
the first thing that comes to my mind

1817
01:35:48,458 --> 01:35:51,000
is to put another cushion here.

1818
01:35:52,083 --> 01:35:56,083
Why would I install the cushion on my ass
instead of putting it here?

1819
01:35:56,583 --> 01:36:01,000
I mean, it makes no sense
from a logistical standpoint.

1820
01:36:03,916 --> 01:36:05,291
And they still say,

1821
01:36:05,375 --> 01:36:07,333
"Don't criticize."

1822
01:36:07,416 --> 01:36:10,625
"Look how she got her confidence back
after having work done."

1823
01:36:10,708 --> 01:36:14,375
If you need a butt job
to get a confidence boost,

1824
01:36:15,041 --> 01:36:19,375
then your confidence
is already in the gutter.

1825
01:36:20,416 --> 01:36:22,041
I mean, come on.

1826
01:36:22,541 --> 01:36:26,416
My friends, for two centuries,
people have been saying,

1827
01:36:26,500 --> 01:36:28,375
"Women are not just their bodies."

1828
01:36:28,458 --> 01:36:31,250
"Being a woman is
an identity, a personality."

1829
01:36:31,750 --> 01:36:35,583
"Media conglomerates
are treating women as a commodity."

1830
01:36:35,666 --> 01:36:38,958
"Big Media sexualized women
for marketing campaigns."

1831
01:36:39,041 --> 01:36:41,458
Yada, yada. For two centuries!

1832
01:36:41,541 --> 01:36:43,000
We listened to all of that

1833
01:36:43,083 --> 01:36:45,375
through our childhood,
youth, and adulthood.

1834
01:36:45,458 --> 01:36:48,333
"Yes. Right. Women as an object…"

1835
01:36:48,416 --> 01:36:50,083
And then what happened?

1836
01:36:50,666 --> 01:36:53,875
Now everyone is
putting their ass on TikTok.

1837
01:36:53,958 --> 01:36:57,083
People are filming their own asses
to show everyone.

1838
01:36:57,166 --> 01:37:00,791
Are Big Media or conglomerates
telling you to do that?

1839
01:37:00,875 --> 01:37:02,208
They enter everyone's room

1840
01:37:02,291 --> 01:37:04,458
and whisper, "Film your ass."

1841
01:37:04,541 --> 01:37:07,166
"But I play the guitar."
"Forget about it. Show your ass."

1842
01:37:07,875 --> 01:37:10,958
My takeaway from this is

1843
01:37:11,791 --> 01:37:16,083
that people focus on
their certain body parts

1844
01:37:17,250 --> 01:37:19,750
because they identify themselves
with those parts.

1845
01:37:19,833 --> 01:37:22,500
So the fourth wave of feminism

1846
01:37:22,583 --> 01:37:27,083
is all about "My ass, my choice."

1847
01:37:28,333 --> 01:37:30,583
This is science, dude.

1848
01:37:32,625 --> 01:37:35,500
I'm making a layered joke right now.

1849
01:37:35,583 --> 01:37:37,416
Don't get too rowdy, peasants.

1850
01:37:38,500 --> 01:37:40,875
Poor people aren't even allowed
to enjoy themselves.

1851
01:37:40,958 --> 01:37:42,833
I'm kidding. Laugh all you want.

1852
01:37:44,708 --> 01:37:48,291
One day, I was at a gathering, and…
I never hit on women. Never.

1853
01:37:49,333 --> 01:37:50,541
What was that laugh?

1854
01:37:52,375 --> 01:37:54,208
I swear. I never hit on women.

1855
01:37:54,291 --> 01:37:56,875
Those who know me personally can confirm.

1856
01:37:56,958 --> 01:37:58,833
Honestly, sister. Never.

1857
01:37:58,916 --> 01:38:01,500
Tell me,
what does hitting on women entail?

1858
01:38:01,583 --> 01:38:03,833
It entails putting in effort.

1859
01:38:03,916 --> 01:38:06,291
Some manipulation and stuff.

1860
01:38:06,375 --> 01:38:08,250
It's basically work.

1861
01:38:08,333 --> 01:38:10,083
I don't have time for that.

1862
01:38:10,166 --> 01:38:11,541
I have a show the next day.

1863
01:38:14,625 --> 01:38:18,541
If anyone has ever seen me
hitting on women at an event, speak up!

1864
01:38:18,625 --> 01:38:20,875
This is all being recorded too!

1865
01:38:20,958 --> 01:38:23,125
Imagine me going, "Hi, what's up?"

1866
01:38:23,208 --> 01:38:25,541
"Yes. G.O.R.A., A.R.O.G."

1867
01:38:26,291 --> 01:38:29,583
"Let's continue laughing at my place."

1868
01:38:29,666 --> 01:38:32,583
I'd never do that. I find it silly.

1869
01:38:32,666 --> 01:38:35,375
I've always found it silly, even as a kid.

1870
01:38:35,458 --> 01:38:38,541
I was standing there with a drink
next to a lady.

1871
01:38:38,625 --> 01:38:41,750
She looked like the independent type.

1872
01:38:42,791 --> 01:38:46,875
I didn't know her at all.
We were just standing next to each other.

1873
01:38:46,958 --> 01:38:48,708
She said,

1874
01:38:49,208 --> 01:38:50,583
"Do you like it?"

1875
01:38:52,291 --> 01:38:53,791
"Do you like it?" she asked.

1876
01:38:53,875 --> 01:38:56,083
Such a broad question, you know?

1877
01:38:56,166 --> 01:38:58,291
I said, "I'm sorry? What do you mean?"

1878
01:38:58,375 --> 01:39:01,791
She changed the subject a bit
and said, "My pants."

1879
01:39:02,416 --> 01:39:04,041
"How do you like my pants?"

1880
01:39:04,125 --> 01:39:05,916
They actually had a unique design.

1881
01:39:06,000 --> 01:39:09,416
They were high-waisted
and tightly fitted around the hips

1882
01:39:09,500 --> 01:39:12,083
with some batik designs or something.

1883
01:39:12,166 --> 01:39:14,000
I said, "They're nice. Quite original."

1884
01:39:14,083 --> 01:39:17,666
She said, "These are my hunting pants."

1885
01:39:19,250 --> 01:39:21,958
"I put these on when I go hunting."

1886
01:39:23,250 --> 01:39:25,750
I said, "Well, it's not my season."

1887
01:39:26,458 --> 01:39:27,666
"Like, really."

1888
01:39:28,333 --> 01:39:33,250
"You should've hunted me in September,
during woodcock season."

1889
01:39:36,291 --> 01:39:38,875
Turns out, she was really bold
because she said,

1890
01:39:38,958 --> 01:39:42,666
"Stop joking. Be honest.
Don't you like my ass?"

1891
01:39:43,916 --> 01:39:45,333
It's so sad, isn't it?

1892
01:39:45,416 --> 01:39:49,875
Had I said something
even remotely similar to that,

1893
01:39:49,958 --> 01:39:53,125
the gendarmerie and the police
would arrive immediately.

1894
01:39:53,208 --> 01:39:56,125
They would talk about me
on women's talk shows.

1895
01:39:56,208 --> 01:39:58,583
"He judges people by their asses."

1896
01:39:59,166 --> 01:40:01,000
"And he's Ozan Güven's friend."

1897
01:40:01,083 --> 01:40:03,541
We'd never hear the end of it.

1898
01:40:04,041 --> 01:40:06,083
Yeah.

1899
01:40:07,750 --> 01:40:10,833
"He didn't attend Gezi protests
even though he was instructed to."

1900
01:40:13,666 --> 01:40:15,166
Just endless, you know?

1901
01:40:15,250 --> 01:40:17,083
We are not equals when it comes to this.

1902
01:40:17,166 --> 01:40:20,583
She gets to be as bold as she wants
because she's a woman.

1903
01:40:20,666 --> 01:40:21,833
"Don't you like my ass?"

1904
01:40:21,916 --> 01:40:23,958
And because I had a sense of duty,

1905
01:40:24,041 --> 01:40:26,625
I said, "Your ass is really nice, sister."

1906
01:40:26,708 --> 01:40:28,416
"But it has one downside."

1907
01:40:28,500 --> 01:40:30,125
"It belongs to you."

1908
01:40:30,958 --> 01:40:33,375
"That's the drawback."

1909
01:40:33,458 --> 01:40:34,875
"It's such a shame

1910
01:40:36,375 --> 01:40:39,083
that wherever this goes,
you go along with it."

1911
01:40:39,166 --> 01:40:41,708
"That's the catch with this ass."

1912
01:40:43,875 --> 01:40:46,083
"But if I can have it without the bundle,

1913
01:40:47,916 --> 01:40:50,750
I'll wash it and bring it back tomorrow."

1914
01:40:55,166 --> 01:40:57,166
She had it coming.

1915
01:40:57,666 --> 01:41:02,000
If you make it all about your ass,
be ready to get some shade.

1916
01:41:02,500 --> 01:41:04,041
Right?

1917
01:41:04,541 --> 01:41:07,791
Having so much work done on your body
is so outdated.

1918
01:41:07,875 --> 01:41:09,291
Men are also going crazy.

1919
01:41:09,375 --> 01:41:11,416
I saw a new fad on the news.

1920
01:41:11,500 --> 01:41:14,791
Please forgive me if you had it done.
I have to mock it.

1921
01:41:16,458 --> 01:41:18,166
Groom fillers.

1922
01:41:20,916 --> 01:41:22,750
Peasants know it well, see?

1923
01:41:24,041 --> 01:41:25,250
It's absurd.

1924
01:41:25,333 --> 01:41:29,541
They inject some kind of liquid, or…

1925
01:41:29,625 --> 01:41:32,958
I think it's something silicon-based.

1926
01:41:33,041 --> 01:41:36,083
They inject it into your penis. My God!

1927
01:41:36,166 --> 01:41:38,791
This has been discussed
so many times over the years.

1928
01:41:38,875 --> 01:41:42,000
What the hell do you want?

1929
01:41:42,083 --> 01:41:44,416
Make it six meters long, go ahead!

1930
01:41:45,666 --> 01:41:46,666
What's your goal?

1931
01:41:46,750 --> 01:41:49,083
To use it as a scarf in the winter?

1932
01:41:52,416 --> 01:41:55,208
People can be so primitive sometimes.

1933
01:41:55,291 --> 01:41:58,958
They make me
think of the Aztecs and the Mayans.

1934
01:41:59,041 --> 01:42:01,750
Or the African tribes that still exist.

1935
01:42:01,833 --> 01:42:04,625
You know,
the ones that wear lip plates and such.

1936
01:42:04,708 --> 01:42:08,333
Or Burmese women who wear neck rings.

1937
01:42:08,416 --> 01:42:11,875
Or Africans who walk around
with penis gourds.

1938
01:42:11,958 --> 01:42:14,833
I see no difference, honestly.

1939
01:42:15,458 --> 01:42:18,875
Body alteration isn't anything new.

1940
01:42:18,958 --> 01:42:20,833
If anything, it's outdated.

1941
01:42:20,916 --> 01:42:25,208
After multiple facelifts, they go,
"Thank you, doctor. It looks great!"

1942
01:42:25,291 --> 01:42:29,166
"A couple drumsticks
and I'll be all set for Ramadan."

1943
01:42:29,250 --> 01:42:31,375
They stretch their skin like a drumhead.

1944
01:42:31,458 --> 01:42:33,666
And they think it looks good.

1945
01:42:34,166 --> 01:42:35,416
It's so baffling.

1946
01:42:35,500 --> 01:42:40,666
Nobody ever talks
about someone's personality anymore.

1947
01:42:41,166 --> 01:42:44,875
Such a stark contrast
to what literature has traditionally been.

1948
01:42:44,958 --> 01:42:47,791
Good going! I have no words.

1949
01:42:49,083 --> 01:42:51,250
Coughing won't get you any sympathy.

1950
01:42:52,916 --> 01:42:54,916
Tell me, what work have you had done?

1951
01:42:56,291 --> 01:43:00,166
Do you know what is

1952
01:43:00,250 --> 01:43:03,500
a beginner-level body alteration?

1953
01:43:03,583 --> 01:43:04,708
Lip filler!

1954
01:43:04,791 --> 01:43:06,250
Lip fillers and stuff.

1955
01:43:07,208 --> 01:43:10,041
No, not even that.

1956
01:43:10,750 --> 01:43:14,125
Tattoos.

1957
01:43:14,791 --> 01:43:16,458
I don't have any tattoos.

1958
01:43:16,541 --> 01:43:17,958
But some people…

1959
01:43:18,041 --> 01:43:20,166
A woman in the audience once said,

1960
01:43:20,250 --> 01:43:23,958
"I have a tattoo
somewhere nobody can see."

1961
01:43:24,500 --> 01:43:28,041
What is that supposed to mean?
We all understood it immediately.

1962
01:43:28,125 --> 01:43:31,875
You spread the legs,
and it reads, "Goods receiving."

1963
01:43:32,375 --> 01:43:37,375
She wants to keep it a secret,
but gives it away immediately.

1964
01:43:37,458 --> 01:43:39,750
I was the one who said that, Mr. Cem.

1965
01:43:45,666 --> 01:43:49,208
This proves how honest I am.

1966
01:43:50,250 --> 01:43:52,833
We had that conversation, right?

1967
01:43:53,916 --> 01:43:55,625
You were in the third row.

1968
01:43:55,708 --> 01:43:58,125
See? I'm a real comedian.

1969
01:44:05,708 --> 01:44:07,583
Can you prove the tattoo is real?

1970
01:44:09,125 --> 01:44:13,708
Can you disclose where it really is?

1971
01:44:13,791 --> 01:44:16,083
You can show it to the cameras.

1972
01:44:17,958 --> 01:44:19,750
What does your tattoo say?

1973
01:44:20,250 --> 01:44:21,250
It's on my hip.

1974
01:44:21,333 --> 01:44:22,791
Your hip, huh?

1975
01:44:23,791 --> 01:44:25,041
I was close.

1976
01:44:27,833 --> 01:44:29,791
On one of the cheeks?

1977
01:44:31,208 --> 01:44:33,000
-What does it say?
-Nothing.

1978
01:44:33,083 --> 01:44:35,083
-What?
-It's just a shape.

1979
01:44:35,166 --> 01:44:36,291
A shape?

1980
01:44:37,041 --> 01:44:38,166
A guiding arrow?

1981
01:44:40,875 --> 01:44:41,958
I mean…

1982
01:44:43,791 --> 01:44:48,083
Not only do I always tell the truth,
it appears that I told the truth.

1983
01:44:49,083 --> 01:44:50,791
Have fun with your tattoo.

1984
01:44:51,958 --> 01:44:54,416
I don't have a tattoo.
It's not recommended for actors.

1985
01:44:54,500 --> 01:44:56,083
But many actor friends of mine

1986
01:44:56,166 --> 01:45:00,916
get tattoos since they're easy
to cover up with make-up now.

1987
01:45:01,416 --> 01:45:03,833
When I was younger,

1988
01:45:03,916 --> 01:45:07,125
the most popular tattoos were,
not counting figures,

1989
01:45:07,208 --> 01:45:09,208
famous Latin phrases.

1990
01:45:09,291 --> 01:45:10,916
You know those?

1991
01:45:11,000 --> 01:45:12,291
Like "Carpe Diem."

1992
01:45:12,375 --> 01:45:15,916
Or "Tutto Passa,"
meaning "Everything passes."

1993
01:45:16,000 --> 01:45:17,541
Those were all the rage.

1994
01:45:17,625 --> 01:45:19,583
Barcodes were popular once.

1995
01:45:19,666 --> 01:45:22,000
Mysterious, science fiction themed.

1996
01:45:22,083 --> 01:45:24,583
You know? Gattaca. Barcode on the neck.

1997
01:45:24,666 --> 01:45:27,000
"What's up?"
"I'm good, dude."

1998
01:45:27,083 --> 01:45:29,333
But if you have it scanned at a store,

1999
01:45:29,416 --> 01:45:33,666
you'll see it's just the barcode
for some fucking laundry detergent.

2000
01:45:35,083 --> 01:45:37,000
Or a Nivea moisturizer.

2001
01:45:37,916 --> 01:45:38,875
Right?

2002
01:45:39,375 --> 01:45:40,916
Or baking powder.

2003
01:45:43,291 --> 01:45:44,458
Vanilla flavor.

2004
01:45:44,541 --> 01:45:46,583
Do you guys have tattoos?

2005
01:45:46,666 --> 01:45:48,208
Who has an unusual one?

2006
01:45:48,291 --> 01:45:51,333
-You have one? What is it?
-An "X" tattoo.

2007
01:45:51,416 --> 01:45:53,083
I have Ra.

2008
01:45:53,166 --> 01:45:54,375
-Ra?
-Yes.

2009
01:45:57,750 --> 01:46:02,625
So your body is like a place of rituals.
My goodness!

2010
01:46:02,708 --> 01:46:05,708
-Where's Ra? Is it Ra's eye?
-Yes.

2011
01:46:05,791 --> 01:46:08,250
Ra's eye. Okay. Got it.

2012
01:46:09,541 --> 01:46:12,208
God help us!

2013
01:46:12,958 --> 01:46:15,375
I find it… Don't take it personally.

2014
01:46:15,458 --> 01:46:20,750
Imagine going at it with someone,
getting naked and stuff…

2015
01:46:20,833 --> 01:46:22,875
You turn her over and see Ra!

2016
01:46:22,958 --> 01:46:25,916
It'd irk you, you know?

2017
01:46:26,000 --> 01:46:29,500
It's so different from
making love to a regular person.

2018
01:46:29,583 --> 01:46:31,041
A Ra tattoo on her back!

2019
01:46:31,125 --> 01:46:35,541
It would scare you, you know?

2020
01:46:37,791 --> 01:46:42,333
You see a Latin phrase in capital letters
about a religious ritual…

2021
01:46:44,125 --> 01:46:46,708
Just get something straightforward,
like that.

2022
01:46:48,708 --> 01:46:50,833
A friend of mine has a funny tattoo.

2023
01:46:50,916 --> 01:46:52,208
It reads,

2024
01:46:56,541 --> 01:46:57,666
The "t" is missing.

2025
01:46:58,833 --> 01:46:59,875
I mean…

2026
01:47:01,125 --> 01:47:02,416
How do you…

2027
01:47:04,083 --> 01:47:05,791
How do you fucking forget

2028
01:47:07,541 --> 01:47:10,208
the essence of your whole argument
while writing it?

2029
01:47:10,291 --> 01:47:12,166
"I will never for…"

2030
01:47:13,916 --> 01:47:16,208
What the hell is "I will never forge"?

2031
01:47:17,208 --> 01:47:19,708
My God!

2032
01:47:19,791 --> 01:47:21,875
Some people tattoo their kids' names.

2033
01:47:21,958 --> 01:47:24,375
"İlknur! Aynur!"

2034
01:47:24,458 --> 01:47:25,833
So they don't forget.

2035
01:47:30,041 --> 01:47:32,125
I have a friend we call "Beard."

2036
01:47:32,208 --> 01:47:34,708
When Beard falls in love,

2037
01:47:34,791 --> 01:47:37,833
he immediately gets her name
tattooed everywhere.

2038
01:47:38,500 --> 01:47:40,666
"Şükran." He has that tattooed everywhere.

2039
01:47:40,750 --> 01:47:42,125
"I'm marrying Şükran."

2040
01:47:42,208 --> 01:47:44,875
Well, don't tattoo her name
on your fucking forehead.

2041
01:47:45,458 --> 01:47:49,083
And the moment he got a divorce,
the "Şükran"s turned into Batman symbols.

2042
01:47:51,083 --> 01:47:52,666
He got married a second time.

2043
01:47:52,750 --> 01:47:55,000
And it was "Melis" all over his body.

2044
01:47:55,083 --> 01:47:56,666
"Melis and I are serious."

2045
01:47:56,750 --> 01:47:59,333
The "Melis"es
turned into Batman symbols too.

2046
01:47:59,416 --> 01:48:03,583
Now the only person he can date is Batman.

2047
01:48:04,125 --> 01:48:07,208
He has nowhere else to get a tattoo.

2048
01:48:07,875 --> 01:48:11,291
"I don't like anyone," he says.
Because he ran out of space.

2049
01:48:12,125 --> 01:48:15,541
There are lots of tattoo fuck-ups.

2050
01:48:16,125 --> 01:48:19,083
There's a famous quote by Tupac.

2051
01:48:19,583 --> 01:48:21,250
Actually, is it a song?

2052
01:48:23,416 --> 01:48:25,250
You know? It's really well-known.

2053
01:48:26,791 --> 01:48:30,708
I'm not a theologist or anything,
but in my humble opinion,

2054
01:48:30,791 --> 01:48:34,250
the quote is problematic
from a religious perspective.

2055
01:48:34,333 --> 01:48:36,000
Because philologically…

2056
01:48:36,083 --> 01:48:41,208
I'm okay with the other words.
"Only God judge me," that's fine.

2057
01:48:41,291 --> 01:48:43,708
Meaning "I will only be judged by God."

2058
01:48:43,791 --> 01:48:45,708
That's a heavy quote.

2059
01:48:45,791 --> 01:48:47,875
It emphasizes your faith.

2060
01:48:47,958 --> 01:48:50,750
But "can" or "able to"…

2061
01:48:51,333 --> 01:48:53,000
It doesn't quite fit.

2062
01:48:53,083 --> 01:48:56,166
Because you're talking about
the Almighty God.

2063
01:48:56,250 --> 01:48:59,208
"Can" diminishes the whole thing.

2064
01:48:59,291 --> 01:49:01,500
Don't you agree? I mean…

2065
01:49:01,583 --> 01:49:05,875
"Only God can judge me.
I'll allow it, you can judge me."

2066
01:49:07,166 --> 01:49:08,166
It's too childish.

2067
01:49:08,250 --> 01:49:10,166
"Only God judge me" is fine.

2068
01:49:10,250 --> 01:49:14,000
But "Only God can judge me"
sounds wrong to me.

2069
01:49:14,083 --> 01:49:18,666
An actor friend of ours
is a devout Muslim.

2070
01:49:18,750 --> 01:49:20,791
He got a tattoo when he was young,

2071
01:49:20,875 --> 01:49:23,375
but I think he got it removed later on.

2072
01:49:27,958 --> 01:49:29,333
Going up a level.

2073
01:49:30,416 --> 01:49:31,833
I mean…

2074
01:49:33,166 --> 01:49:35,750
How are you going to explain that
in the reckoning?

2075
01:49:35,833 --> 01:49:37,583
"Hello! I'm dead."

2076
01:49:44,083 --> 01:49:45,208
"What the hell?"

2077
01:49:46,791 --> 01:49:48,541
"Allah can judge me."

2078
01:49:48,625 --> 01:49:50,583
"Oh, really? You don't say?"

2079
01:49:50,666 --> 01:49:53,958
"Wow! Wait here a bit."

2080
01:49:54,041 --> 01:49:57,500
"Mrs. Aynur, dip your ass
in the molten lava like this, yes."

2081
01:50:05,166 --> 01:50:06,166
"Come here."

2082
01:50:06,250 --> 01:50:08,583
What was that about "only can Allah"?

2083
01:50:10,416 --> 01:50:13,708
"Tupac."
"Yes? Tupac, he's in here."

2084
01:50:14,583 --> 01:50:16,583
"He's impaled on a stake. So?"

2085
01:50:17,125 --> 01:50:18,541
"You wrote 'can,' huh?"

2086
01:50:19,416 --> 01:50:21,500
"Are you insane? God does judge you."

2087
01:50:21,583 --> 01:50:24,416
Where do you weirdos get these ideas?

2088
01:50:25,416 --> 01:50:27,000
"My intentions were pure, but…"

2089
01:50:28,583 --> 01:50:31,125
"My intentions were pure.
Can you let him know?"

2090
01:50:32,125 --> 01:50:35,541
"I had no ill intent.
God can judge me, you know?"

2091
01:50:36,458 --> 01:50:39,875
"I meant to get it removed,
but didn't get to live long enough."

2092
01:50:39,958 --> 01:50:43,375
"Can you let him know about it?
Is it going to be a problem inside?"

2093
01:50:44,041 --> 01:50:45,125
"You'll get fucked."

2094
01:50:46,166 --> 01:50:47,500
"They'll demolish you."

2095
01:50:48,375 --> 01:50:51,166
"Can you ask him, please?
My intentions were pure."

2096
01:50:52,625 --> 01:50:53,666
"Wait here."

2097
01:50:54,583 --> 01:50:55,958
"You know…"

2098
01:50:56,958 --> 01:50:59,250
"Yeah, similar to Tupac's…"

2099
01:50:59,333 --> 01:51:02,750
"You know, 'Only God can judge me,'
but his reads 'Allah' instead."

2100
01:51:03,708 --> 01:51:04,750
"Yeah."

2101
01:51:05,458 --> 01:51:06,583
"I told him."

2102
01:51:08,541 --> 01:51:10,750
"Right. Okay, my Lord."

2103
01:51:14,958 --> 01:51:16,000
"My dear."

2104
01:51:17,500 --> 01:51:19,250
"One second. Go on, dear."

2105
01:51:19,333 --> 01:51:21,791
"I posted a raki picture on Instagram."

2106
01:51:23,666 --> 01:51:26,541
"Fuck off!
I can't deal with you right now."

2107
01:51:30,125 --> 01:51:33,916
"My dear, I asked about your case."

2108
01:51:42,375 --> 01:51:43,750
"Tattoo is a sin."

2109
01:51:45,583 --> 01:51:47,583
Good night, friends!

2110
01:52:55,916 --> 01:53:00,916
Subtitle translation by: Ahmedşah Bilgi