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{\an8}I'll tell you all
that I usually get so upset
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when Meg edits my poems.
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She's a terrible editor!
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Tell them what you mean by that.
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What I mean is, Meg is a poetry teacher,
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so she's just really skilled
at writing and editing.
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So Meg just
chops and chops and chops my poems up.
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And then I cry and get mad
at what she's saying isn't good.
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And then the next day
I realize she was right every time.
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But in the process of it, I get...
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I've gotten better.
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- Wouldn't you say, baby?
- Yes.
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We have two different approaches
to clichés.
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Where I always, like, try to eradicate it,
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Andrea doubles down on the cliché.
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I understand that you would be
incapable of making this edit
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if you really were tapped
into the message of the poem,
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but tell me more.
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Well, you know, I feel like
if you could do this all on your own,
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I wouldn't be here.
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I like my way and your way.
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But my way is a little bit more fun.
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So right now I tentatively
have this poem titled "Death Anthem."
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Last night I was reading
the beginning of this to Meg
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and I said,
"If I was a documentary filmmaker,
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I would definitely begin the documentary
with the beginning of this poem
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as a voiceover
as something was happening."
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Meg's like, "What would be happening?"
"I don't know. Maybe my funeral."
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And then you hear Meg's like,
"No!" It was so awkward.
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I'm nervous!
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I'm also scared to read it.
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{\an8}At first I thought it was a stomach bug.
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{\an8}But when it started feeling like
a stomach anaconda,
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{\an8}my doctor convinced me to get a CAT scan.
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I'd been a lifelong hypochondriac,
with debilitating panic attacks
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and a chronic fear of death,
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so was already trembling when the scan
technician asked me to shift positions
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{\an8}to get a view of my pelvis.
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{\an8}There was so much sweat on my palms,
I could feel my lifelines drowning.
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The technician broke protocol
and walked me out to my car.
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{\an8}We stopped twice on the way
so I could hyperventilate in his arms.
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{\an8}The next morning,
my phone buzzed in my pocket.
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'Several large masses on ovaries.
Malignancy suspected.'
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I couldn't feel my hands.
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They'd gone numb from trying to hold on
to everyone I had ever loved.
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{\an8}'This is the beginning
of a nightmare,' I thought.
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A diagnosis that my doctors
would later declare incurable.
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{\an8}My worst fear come true.
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{\an8}But stay with me, y'all,
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because my story is one
about happiness being easier to find
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once we realize
we do not have forever to find it.
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{\an8}Tonight, my guest has published
many books of poetry
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{\an8}and given spoken word performances
around the world.
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{\an8}Colorado's Poet Laureate, Andrea Gibson.
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{\an8}So, it's a heavy lift
to be a poet laureate,
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and it's all coming
at a time in your life
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{\an8}where you are really in the midst
of quite a health journey with cancer.
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{\an8}Yes. I think that understanding
that we are all mortal,
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{\an8}that we're all going to say goodbye
to this world,
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{\an8}and to each other in some ways,
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{\an8}and goodbye to our bodies, eventually,
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it wakes you up, you know?
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Immediately, it's just like
your eyes are wide
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{\an8}and you're kind of awestruck
to the brevity of it all.
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{\an8}And you don't want to waste a second.
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And I was wasting a lot of seconds prior.
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I can't get them to stop barking
at the mail person,
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no matter what I do.
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Squash is like,
"I know there are medical bills in there
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that are absolutely unreasonable.
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Get them away from our house!"
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If I had to hope for something,
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it would be a mailbox.
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'Cause our mailbox,
I've been fighting with that thing
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like the dude in A Christmas Story
wrestles with that furnace.
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Like, I cannot...
I cannot keep that mailbox
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from not getting knocked down
by the snowplows.
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Should take a peek.
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I do not understand
why they won't deliver mail to this.
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It just...
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So it has to not move, for her
to be willing to deliver our mail.
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Dammit. One more rock.
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What are the rocks doing?
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Well, they're steadying it.
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Obviously!
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I mean, honestly,
I think this is quite great.
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If I were the mail person,
I would deliver this,
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because I would see how hard people tried.
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I think what matters most is the trying.
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Gib, do you know
where the car key is?
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No.
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Got it.
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Andrea has an uncanny ability
to befriend people
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who normally... like, there's like
a line that you don't cross.
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In terms of, you know, like,
we went to Andrea's doctor's wedding...
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Not my oncologist.
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- But my primary care physician.
- Yeah.
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He's one of my closest friends,
now, I would say.
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It was a really orthodox wedding,
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so they separate the dance floor
at one point, by men and women.
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And we didn't know what to do, so...
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We went out to the parking lot and danced,
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'cause, I'm, like,
"Which side do I choose?"
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But he's wonderful.
We actually have death meetings.
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And what we do is we just get on the phone
or get on Zoom
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and we just talk about
mortality and dying and...
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I say this to Meg all the time.
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I always thought when I was young
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that dying would be a lot easier
if everybody died at the same time.
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And now my mind has changed,
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because... I mean,
I can look at all my friends
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and I can already see the ways
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that my death would, in many ways,
just make them more of who they are.
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But...
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I...
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I don't want to...
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say that I'm definitely gonna die.
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Here we are, party animals.
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- Can't wait.
- Do you need me to pull you up here?
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Yeah, I do.
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- It's hurting.
- It's okay.
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The only way I can describe it is
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it just sort of feels like a migraine
in my...
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bike seat area.
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I've not taken any pain pills
this whole time,
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but I almost did last night.
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But my sister got addicted to OxyContin,
and so...
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I avoid that stuff whenever I can.
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What are you guys shooting today?
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They're obsessed with me.
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Are they?
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They just randomly showed up
at my house and...
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- Well, it's easy to see.
- ...started filming everything I do.
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- You're stunning.
- Oh, thank you. You too!
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Yeah, I don't know what it is,
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but my whole life, men have just followed
me around like crazy.
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That's all I need,
so go ahead and have a seat over here.
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- Thank you.
- Of course.
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I'm nervous.
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- Hi. How are you doing?
- Hi. It's good to see you again.
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I'm glad you're not
in a wheelchair. You feeling better?
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- I know. It is a bit better.
- Okay, good.
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Thanks for asking.
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In 2021,
I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.
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I went and I did a radical hysterectomy
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and then I went on six months
of chemotherapy.
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And then, six months later,
the cancer came right back.
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And it came in my liver and my diaphragm.
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At that time, I found out
there was a two-year life expectancy.
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Then I had to go through another year
again of the same chemo.
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Here's Andrea coming out
of their final chemo treatment.
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Hi, baby. How do you feel?
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I feel so happy.
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But after four months,
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it came right back again.
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And so then, at that point,
they declared it incurable.
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Right now, I'm past
that two-year life expectancy.
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They said I could continue
with some trial treatments,
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but my doctor said, "I understand that
you may not want to do more treatment.
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And if you just wanna let yourself die..."
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But I wanna live as long as I can.
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I would love to be able to say, "I'm 50."
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I would love it so much that I'm 48
and I tell people I'm 50 now.
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So I told my doctor
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to stop having one of the things
that she offers me
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be to stop doing treatment.
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I'm gonna keep doing things to live
as long as I can.
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- See you Friday.
- Thank you. See you in a couple of days.
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Okay.
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It's been three years
since I've enjoyed a meal.
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Like, when you have cancer and chemo,
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you completely lose your appetite.
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But I'd live the rest of my life
without taste buds if...
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I could live the rest of my life.
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Normally at this point,
we'd ask Stef about her sex life.
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Yeah!
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- Stef has a new girlfriend.
- Yeah.
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Stef calls the other day and said,
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"She's been fingering me."
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- Actually...
- No, that's not what happened.
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- Wait, what did you say?
- You guys called me
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to tell me that Meg was fingering you!
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- I... We told you that?
- Yes.
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- I didn't just volunteer my information.
- We don't just call...
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'Cause the cancer.
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We don't... Wait. Tell me
why we ended up telling Stef this.
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This isn't a common thing
we say to our friends!
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Wait, what happened?
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You called me up and said that
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tonight Meg was going to finger you
so hard
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that she was going to get out the cancer.
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Wait, no, I did not say that!
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I have it on my phone,
and we can find out.
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I laughed at this message.
I had to pull over
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to enjoy it.
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Not... I just mean, like, to focus.
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Stef. Meg and I are here.
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We just heard that
Heather gave you the news.
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And we want you to know
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that Meg's gonna finger me tonight
and fix it all.
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And Meg feels like she can get her finger
up and around it
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and say a little prayer
with her fingering me.
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- Okay, wait...
- See? You did!
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But I need you to know,
the reason I left this message,
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Heather just sent you the news
I had a metastasis in my bone...
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And I knew it was gonna be sad for you,
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and sad for my friends,
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so these are the kind of messages
I leave my friends when that happens.
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- It worked. I was not sad at all.
- It does. It always works.
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Because you did that,
you have to play your reply.
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Okay.
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Andrea and Meg,
I also cried for a little bit,
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{\an8}then I got hopeful again,
and I'm really hopeful,
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{\an8}now that I know
you're getting fingered tonight.
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{\an8}May I suggest getting thumbed?
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{\an8}Because recently I've been getting thumbed
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and I don't have cancer,
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and that could be a reason why.
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{\an8}Honestly, it doesn't quite feel as good,
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{\an8}and I don't know why it keeps happening.
Probably because I don't speak up
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{\an8}and say...
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{\an8}no.
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{\an8}Yeah, I love you two so much.
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Stef always is attracted
to older women.
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- And so her girlfriend is 70.
- No, she's not 70!
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- I thought you told me she was.
- She's only 65.
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- That's so young.
- I know.
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- Why are you worried about that?
- 'Cause it's 20... it's 20 years.
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Stef is... Stef really loves her.
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- Yeah.
- You really love her.
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And so she doesn't want her
to die before her.
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It's really interesting, though, I think,
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the fear of, like, dating somebody
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that could potentially
be close to the end of their life.
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I've never met someone where I thought,
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"I just want more time with you."
239
00:15:17,709 --> 00:15:21,922
That's so sweet, Stef.
I feel that about Meg so much.
240
00:15:22,798 --> 00:15:24,675
Like I want all the time.
241
00:15:25,509 --> 00:15:27,678
I wanna be here when her book comes out.
242
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:31,431
We had this really wild experience.
243
00:15:31,515 --> 00:15:34,643
Did I tell you about the experience
that we had that day?
244
00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:35,811
What day?
245
00:15:36,395 --> 00:15:40,232
Where we got the news that I had
a metastasis in my bone?
246
00:15:41,108 --> 00:15:43,527
To us, I think we felt like,
247
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:47,489
"Oh, maybe I only have, like,
a couple months to live," at that point.
248
00:15:47,573 --> 00:15:49,533
And I may, I don't know.
249
00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:52,452
But that's what we were feeling that day.
250
00:15:52,536 --> 00:15:54,121
And then,
251
00:15:54,204 --> 00:15:57,541
we were crying a lot, and then,
252
00:15:57,624 --> 00:15:59,793
Meg brought in this video.
253
00:16:00,961 --> 00:16:03,839
I saw that there was an aging app,
254
00:16:03,922 --> 00:16:06,341
and then I set it to a song
255
00:16:06,425 --> 00:16:09,094
singing "You're Still The One"
by Shania Twain.
256
00:16:09,178 --> 00:16:14,308
Because that was the song that was playing
when I proposed to Andrea.
257
00:16:15,392 --> 00:16:19,354
Still going strong
258
00:16:20,439 --> 00:16:25,235
Still the one
You're still the one I run to
259
00:16:25,319 --> 00:16:28,697
The one that I belong to
260
00:16:28,780 --> 00:16:33,994
You're still the one I want for life...
261
00:16:35,454 --> 00:16:37,539
I mean, I just love this person.
262
00:16:37,623 --> 00:16:39,208
Like, she's so badass.
263
00:16:40,584 --> 00:16:42,503
I'm so in love with this person.
264
00:16:47,508 --> 00:16:49,051
But... yeah.
265
00:16:49,968 --> 00:16:52,638
I felt like I had never seen myself
more clearly
266
00:16:52,721 --> 00:16:54,890
as I did when I saw Meg old.
267
00:16:54,973 --> 00:16:59,144
I could see all of our years of love
in her face.
268
00:16:59,645 --> 00:17:03,398
And I could see that she had carried us
into the decades
269
00:17:03,482 --> 00:17:05,233
in the future.
270
00:17:05,317 --> 00:17:10,321
And I could feel that I was just with her
for every part of it.
271
00:17:12,324 --> 00:17:14,284
{\an8}Imagine when a human dies,
272
00:17:15,327 --> 00:17:17,204
{\an8}the soul misses the body,
273
00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:21,458
actually grieves the loss of its hands
and all they could hold.
274
00:17:22,751 --> 00:17:26,046
Misses the throat closing shy
reading out loud
275
00:17:26,128 --> 00:17:27,798
on the first day of school.
276
00:17:29,258 --> 00:17:31,927
Imagine the soul misses the stubbed toe,
277
00:17:32,010 --> 00:17:33,262
the loose tooth,
278
00:17:33,345 --> 00:17:34,638
the funny bone.
279
00:17:35,180 --> 00:17:36,598
The soul still asks,
280
00:17:36,682 --> 00:17:40,435
"Why does the funny bone do that?
It's just weird."
281
00:17:41,311 --> 00:17:45,107
Imagine the soul misses
the thirsty garden cheeks
282
00:17:45,190 --> 00:17:46,984
watered by grief.
283
00:17:48,193 --> 00:17:51,530
Imagine the soul misses
each falling eyelash
284
00:17:51,613 --> 00:17:53,365
waiting to be a wish.
285
00:17:54,283 --> 00:17:57,870
When a human dies,
the soul searches the universe
286
00:17:57,953 --> 00:17:59,788
for something blushing,
287
00:18:00,372 --> 00:18:03,792
sweeps the universe
for patience worn thin,
288
00:18:03,876 --> 00:18:06,920
the last nerve fighting for its life,
289
00:18:07,004 --> 00:18:10,007
the voice box aching to be heard.
290
00:18:11,842 --> 00:18:14,845
Imagine the soul misses hunger,
291
00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:16,513
emptiness,
292
00:18:16,597 --> 00:18:17,598
rage,
293
00:18:18,974 --> 00:18:22,477
the fist
that was never taught to curl - curled,
294
00:18:22,561 --> 00:18:24,938
the teeth that were never taught
to clench - clenched,
295
00:18:25,022 --> 00:18:28,650
the body that was never taught
to make love - made love
296
00:18:28,734 --> 00:18:32,237
like a hungry ghost
digging its way out of the grave.
297
00:18:33,906 --> 00:18:37,075
The soul misses the unforever of old age...
298
00:18:37,159 --> 00:18:42,414
Happy birthday to you!
299
00:18:42,497 --> 00:18:44,833
- And many more
- And many more
300
00:18:45,417 --> 00:18:48,712
The soul misses every single day
301
00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:49,963
the body was sick,
302
00:18:51,465 --> 00:18:53,175
the now it forced,
303
00:18:53,258 --> 00:18:56,720
the here it built from the fever.
304
00:18:56,803 --> 00:18:59,056
Fever is how the body prays,
305
00:18:59,139 --> 00:19:03,185
how it burns and begs
for another average day.
306
00:19:04,102 --> 00:19:07,189
The soul misses
what the body could not let go.
307
00:19:07,689 --> 00:19:11,818
What else could hold on that tightly
to everything?
308
00:19:11,902 --> 00:19:14,404
Andrea's having
a serious medical emergency,
309
00:19:14,488 --> 00:19:16,865
which is that their thumb
is just coming off.
310
00:19:16,949 --> 00:19:19,952
I'm gonna bring it up to the nurse
when she comes back,
311
00:19:20,035 --> 00:19:22,788
because I think this might be
a little bit more important
312
00:19:22,871 --> 00:19:23,997
than the tumors.
313
00:19:25,082 --> 00:19:27,918
Nothing in space can imagine it.
314
00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:30,045
No comet, no nebula,
315
00:19:30,128 --> 00:19:33,465
no ray of light can fathom
the landscape of awe,
316
00:19:33,549 --> 00:19:35,175
the heat of shame,
317
00:19:35,259 --> 00:19:38,011
the fingertips pulling the first gray hair
318
00:19:38,095 --> 00:19:39,805
and throwing it away.
319
00:19:40,681 --> 00:19:42,182
"I can't imagine it,"
320
00:19:42,266 --> 00:19:43,559
the stars say.
321
00:19:43,934 --> 00:19:47,104
"Tell us again about goosebumps.
322
00:19:47,521 --> 00:19:50,816
Tell us again about pain."
323
00:20:02,995 --> 00:20:07,916
I'm doing a poetry workshop
for this poet laureate event.
324
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:13,505
And the hosts are asking me to say
how I got into poetry and writing.
325
00:20:15,465 --> 00:20:19,178
I grew up in a tiny town
in the woods of northern Maine.
326
00:20:19,261 --> 00:20:21,555
It was a very working-class town.
327
00:20:21,638 --> 00:20:24,641
People don't have a lot of money,
but it's so beautiful.
328
00:20:25,517 --> 00:20:28,020
I didn't have artists in my life,
growing up.
329
00:20:28,478 --> 00:20:31,148
I knew no poets, no writers.
330
00:20:31,773 --> 00:20:35,319
I didn't know that somebody could grow up
and make their living from art.
331
00:20:36,820 --> 00:20:41,116
And then I came to Colorado
in my early twenties,
332
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:42,826
and I discovered poetry slam.
333
00:20:43,619 --> 00:20:45,954
And the thing that I loved about it was
334
00:20:46,496 --> 00:20:49,166
it was far more accessible
than other poetry.
335
00:20:49,917 --> 00:20:52,294
It wasn't this thing
where you needed a PhD.
336
00:20:53,170 --> 00:20:55,923
But I never got on the mic.
I was like, "There's no way."
337
00:20:56,381 --> 00:21:01,261
I had a terrible, terrible fear
of public speaking.
338
00:21:01,637 --> 00:21:05,140
And then my ex, Bethy, broke up with me.
339
00:21:05,224 --> 00:21:07,976
And that feeling of feeling like
you have nothing left to lose,
340
00:21:08,060 --> 00:21:11,313
I just didn't care. I got up on stage and...
341
00:21:12,147 --> 00:21:13,899
I was still very, very nervous.
342
00:21:13,982 --> 00:21:17,277
You couldn't hear my voice
over the paper rattling.
343
00:21:17,361 --> 00:21:18,654
I wrote this poem...
344
00:21:20,322 --> 00:21:22,115
I wrote this poem a while ago.
345
00:21:22,866 --> 00:21:24,701
It was emotional and it was raw,
346
00:21:24,785 --> 00:21:28,622
and, you know, I didn't feel like
I had to... I don't know.
347
00:21:29,873 --> 00:21:31,792
For lack of a better word, be "fancy."
348
00:21:31,875 --> 00:21:34,253
I fought with my knuckles white as stars,
349
00:21:34,336 --> 00:21:36,630
and left bruises the shape of Salem.
350
00:21:36,713 --> 00:21:39,758
It was always important to me
to always write poetry
351
00:21:39,842 --> 00:21:42,386
that people wouldn't need a degree
to understand.
352
00:21:42,469 --> 00:21:43,971
Which is maybe part of the reason
353
00:21:44,054 --> 00:21:46,598
I sometimes paint this world
prettier than it is.
354
00:21:46,682 --> 00:21:49,017
I think probably because
I didn't have much interest
355
00:21:49,101 --> 00:21:50,727
in learning big words.
356
00:21:50,811 --> 00:21:54,356
Like, I know so few words
that when I put out my first book,
357
00:21:54,439 --> 00:21:55,691
the publisher was like,
358
00:21:55,774 --> 00:21:59,236
"Andrea, all these poems have the same
words rearranged in a different order."
359
00:21:59,319 --> 00:22:01,947
I'm like, "That's all the words I know!"
360
00:22:02,698 --> 00:22:05,075
Why write a poem
that's over somebody's head?
361
00:22:05,993 --> 00:22:07,828
Even more than that,
over somebody's heart.
362
00:22:07,911 --> 00:22:10,747
I know my heart is a broken freezer chest.
363
00:22:10,831 --> 00:22:12,791
That's why I can't keep anything frozen,
364
00:22:12,875 --> 00:22:15,919
so, no, I am not "always crying,"
365
00:22:16,003 --> 00:22:19,089
I'm just thawing outside the lines.
366
00:22:21,258 --> 00:22:23,802
At the time,
I hadn't heard anybody on stage
367
00:22:23,886 --> 00:22:25,888
talking about suicidality.
368
00:22:25,971 --> 00:22:29,057
So I started writing honestly
about my own...
369
00:22:31,935 --> 00:22:34,563
...struggles with trying to take my life.
370
00:22:34,646 --> 00:22:37,065
To every day you could not get out of bed,
371
00:22:37,149 --> 00:22:38,692
to the bullseye of your wrist,
372
00:22:38,775 --> 00:22:40,944
to anyone who has ever wanted to die,
373
00:22:41,028 --> 00:22:44,239
I have been told
sometimes the most healing thing we can do
374
00:22:44,323 --> 00:22:46,783
is remind ourselves over and over and over
375
00:22:46,867 --> 00:22:48,410
other people feel this too.
376
00:22:48,493 --> 00:22:50,954
Those poems tended to be more hopeful.
377
00:22:51,038 --> 00:22:54,625
You know, because I knew
I was also speaking to other people
378
00:22:54,708 --> 00:22:57,920
who were really struggling.
And I think it comforted people.
379
00:22:59,838 --> 00:23:05,052
Andrea really thinks
of poetry not as "What can I get?"
380
00:23:05,135 --> 00:23:08,055
You know, as, like,
this person in the spotlight,
381
00:23:08,138 --> 00:23:11,058
but really,
"What can I create to give to people?"
382
00:23:11,141 --> 00:23:14,603
And I think that's why it's been
more long-lasting.
383
00:23:15,771 --> 00:23:18,690
Then I was doing one event
384
00:23:18,774 --> 00:23:21,944
and a music manager
happened to be at the show
385
00:23:22,027 --> 00:23:25,447
and she said that she had never
managed a poet before,
386
00:23:25,531 --> 00:23:28,992
but would I wanna try? And I said, "Yes!"
387
00:23:29,076 --> 00:23:30,536
Gibby! Have fun.
388
00:23:30,619 --> 00:23:32,120
I'm nervous!
389
00:23:32,704 --> 00:23:34,331
Holy, I wanna be holy.
390
00:23:34,414 --> 00:23:36,750
I didn't know then
that holy was already me.
391
00:23:37,417 --> 00:23:40,295
We were kind of shocked
to discover that people came.
392
00:23:41,505 --> 00:23:44,007
I don't know
if they'd want me to say this,
393
00:23:44,091 --> 00:23:46,343
but Andrea was like the rock star
of the poets.
394
00:23:47,553 --> 00:23:51,598
One of the first spoken word poets
to really be touring in rock clubs.
395
00:23:52,057 --> 00:23:54,977
The show was rowdy and energized,
396
00:23:55,060 --> 00:23:59,857
and people were drunk in the audience,
and making out all over the place, and...
397
00:23:59,940 --> 00:24:01,024
X-O-X-O-X-O...
398
00:24:01,108 --> 00:24:02,359
...it was just wild!
399
00:24:03,986 --> 00:24:06,238
And then I would start a poem
400
00:24:06,989 --> 00:24:09,741
and the audience would start
saying the poem with me.
401
00:24:12,744 --> 00:24:16,248
Oh my God, it was like... dreamy!
402
00:24:20,419 --> 00:24:21,920
If I was sitting beside a stranger
403
00:24:22,004 --> 00:24:25,132
who'd say, "What do you do for a living?"
I'd say, "I'm a poet."
404
00:24:26,592 --> 00:24:28,260
I can't believe that.
405
00:24:28,802 --> 00:24:31,930
That's how lucky I got in this life.
406
00:24:33,432 --> 00:24:35,225
And that's how I met Meg.
407
00:24:35,851 --> 00:24:37,811
Meg was also a spoken word poet.
408
00:24:38,270 --> 00:24:43,567
And I went to do a performance,
and she was reading that same night.
409
00:24:43,650 --> 00:24:46,028
Someone asks what kind
of birth control you use,
410
00:24:46,111 --> 00:24:48,697
and you say, "The gay method."
411
00:24:50,449 --> 00:24:53,368
And as soon as I heard her,
I thought, "She's incredible."
412
00:24:53,452 --> 00:24:55,495
I feel like I fail something else,
413
00:24:55,579 --> 00:24:56,872
myself, mostly...
414
00:24:56,955 --> 00:25:00,125
The poets are a kind of
close-knit community,
415
00:25:00,209 --> 00:25:02,419
so we all know each other.
416
00:25:02,503 --> 00:25:05,255
And we saw each other
at national poetry slams
417
00:25:05,339 --> 00:25:09,009
or different writing retreats, and we were
just friends throughout the years.
418
00:25:09,092 --> 00:25:10,511
It was casual.
419
00:25:11,303 --> 00:25:16,850
And then we were dancing
after a big competition in Oakland.
420
00:25:16,934 --> 00:25:21,438
She was in this kitty dress, like,
a dress with cats all over it!
421
00:25:21,522 --> 00:25:24,900
But she was such a great dancer, and
I guess I'd never seen her dance before.
422
00:25:24,983 --> 00:25:27,694
I couldn't believe
what a great dancer she was,
423
00:25:27,778 --> 00:25:30,572
and you all know that I am too.
424
00:25:31,198 --> 00:25:35,786
And I sweat a lot when I dance,
'cause I dance really full-out.
425
00:25:36,370 --> 00:25:39,122
I don't know if I wanna tell you
what I did.
426
00:25:39,206 --> 00:25:43,669
They just wiped their hands down my arms
427
00:25:43,752 --> 00:25:47,464
and then licked
the palms of their hands...
428
00:25:48,257 --> 00:25:51,718
And I was like, "This is bizarre.
429
00:25:52,594 --> 00:25:53,929
And erotic."
430
00:25:55,806 --> 00:25:57,975
Just such a crude thing to do.
431
00:25:58,058 --> 00:26:02,646
Please, like, I don't wanna suggest that
this is appropriate to do to anyone.
432
00:26:02,729 --> 00:26:06,066
But then I got in the elevator
with our mutual friend
433
00:26:06,149 --> 00:26:08,193
and she was like,
"Yeah, I'm not surprised.
434
00:26:08,277 --> 00:26:12,614
Andrea's had a crush on you forever.
For years." And I was like, "What?"
435
00:26:13,824 --> 00:26:17,411
I was like, "That's the gay James Dean.
What are you talking about?"
436
00:26:17,494 --> 00:26:20,330
She was like,
"You know, you're exactly their type.
437
00:26:20,414 --> 00:26:22,666
Curvy, red lipstick." And I was like...
438
00:26:23,667 --> 00:26:26,920
I hadn't fathomed
that I could be somebody's type.
439
00:26:27,838 --> 00:26:32,843
Because I always had
just lifelong body insecurities.
440
00:26:33,969 --> 00:26:38,015
My whole childhood,
I went to a children's weight-loss camp.
441
00:26:38,557 --> 00:26:41,101
And so, when I met Andrea,
442
00:26:41,185 --> 00:26:45,564
I was probably maybe 50 or 60 pounds
heavier than I am now.
443
00:26:46,231 --> 00:26:51,153
And I thought that everyone I had
been with had to overcome my body.
444
00:26:52,613 --> 00:26:56,825
When Andrea first sent a text and said,
"Do you want to go on a date sometime?"
445
00:26:56,909 --> 00:26:59,661
I texted back, "Sure, with who?"
446
00:27:01,538 --> 00:27:03,874
Em, what do you think about Megan and I?
447
00:27:03,957 --> 00:27:08,921
I think that probably
she's the love of your life.
448
00:27:09,004 --> 00:27:10,422
- What?
- What?
449
00:27:11,048 --> 00:27:13,425
Meg's favorite artist
was Lana Del Rey,
450
00:27:13,509 --> 00:27:16,470
and I got front-row tickets at Red Rocks
451
00:27:16,553 --> 00:27:19,473
and I invited her out to see the show.
452
00:27:20,098 --> 00:27:22,768
And then they flew me out to Colorado.
453
00:27:22,851 --> 00:27:26,104
I felt like I was living
in The Princess Diaries.
454
00:27:26,188 --> 00:27:27,606
I'm like, "I'm on a plane!"
455
00:27:27,689 --> 00:27:31,318
Squash, you are about
to meet my friend Megan Falley.
456
00:27:31,401 --> 00:27:32,486
Are you excited?
457
00:27:33,278 --> 00:27:37,157
And we woke up the morning of the concert
458
00:27:37,241 --> 00:27:41,578
and I was like, "Let me Google how long it
takes to the venue, what time it starts,"
459
00:27:41,662 --> 00:27:44,915
and we saw that... It was May 13th.
460
00:27:44,998 --> 00:27:47,376
And it was like, "The concert, May 12th."
461
00:27:47,459 --> 00:27:50,504
So we'd actually missed the show.
462
00:27:52,214 --> 00:27:54,550
I was sort of fake moping about the show,
463
00:27:54,633 --> 00:27:57,719
because I just wanted their attention.
I was, like...
464
00:27:58,345 --> 00:28:01,849
They said, "Well, why don't you come over
here and let me see your naked body?"
465
00:28:03,141 --> 00:28:09,189
And it was sort of the first time,
like, I presented my body like a gift,
466
00:28:09,273 --> 00:28:13,235
and not like something
I was trying to sort of hide.
467
00:28:13,318 --> 00:28:14,528
And...
468
00:28:16,488 --> 00:28:20,158
...they kissed my stomach, which was,
like, the part of my body
469
00:28:20,242 --> 00:28:22,995
I'd been told to be insecure about
since I was a kid.
470
00:28:23,078 --> 00:28:26,832
And they just kept saying, like,
"Sexy, sexy, sexy!"
471
00:28:27,374 --> 00:28:29,668
And... it felt like
472
00:28:30,252 --> 00:28:32,880
somebody kissing a wound
and making it better.
473
00:28:33,630 --> 00:28:35,757
I'm not saying goodbye.
474
00:28:35,841 --> 00:28:38,343
- You want me just to leave?
- No.
475
00:28:38,427 --> 00:28:41,013
- You want me to quit my job?
- Yes.
476
00:28:41,096 --> 00:28:42,890
So that I can do what?
477
00:28:42,973 --> 00:28:44,349
Take care of me.
478
00:28:49,646 --> 00:28:52,941
So that sort of switched
something in my head, where I'm like,
479
00:28:53,025 --> 00:28:58,155
if Andrea can, like, love my body,
could I love my body?
480
00:28:59,531 --> 00:29:03,577
So in the pandemic, I moved away
from poetry and started writing a memoir.
481
00:29:03,660 --> 00:29:05,495
And it was all about my body.
482
00:29:06,413 --> 00:29:09,082
And then my partner gets cancer
and I'm like,
483
00:29:09,166 --> 00:29:13,045
I'm writing a memoir
about my fucking pant size?
484
00:29:13,128 --> 00:29:14,379
Like, what is... What?
485
00:29:14,963 --> 00:29:17,549
Hey, baby, do you think I'm good-looking?
486
00:29:17,633 --> 00:29:20,177
Completely, deeply, truly, madly.
487
00:29:21,303 --> 00:29:23,388
Truly, madly!
488
00:29:23,472 --> 00:29:24,765
You do?
489
00:29:24,848 --> 00:29:29,645
And then, you know,
their hair had all fallen out from chemo.
490
00:29:30,354 --> 00:29:33,565
I had said something like,
"Do you miss being a hair icon?"
491
00:29:33,649 --> 00:29:35,400
or something, and...
492
00:29:36,193 --> 00:29:40,948
they had said, "I just wanna have a body.
I don't care what it looks like."
493
00:29:47,246 --> 00:29:53,627
I think just, like, the culmination
of my whole history with body image stuff
494
00:29:53,710 --> 00:29:56,004
and that was just a sort of...
495
00:29:57,339 --> 00:29:59,925
contextualizing moment.
496
00:30:00,676 --> 00:30:04,763
Like, the futility of doing anything
but having, like, appreciation
497
00:30:04,847 --> 00:30:08,350
and gratitude for our bodies,
especially when they're healthy.
498
00:30:09,351 --> 00:30:14,773
Putting the world into perspective,
or wounds into perspective.
499
00:30:22,197 --> 00:30:23,991
Hello, little monster.
500
00:30:25,450 --> 00:30:27,160
I love you so much.
501
00:30:27,703 --> 00:30:30,038
Oopsie, no kissing me today.
502
00:30:30,873 --> 00:30:32,916
You gotta wait four days to kiss me.
503
00:30:33,458 --> 00:30:34,459
I have to wait too.
504
00:30:34,543 --> 00:30:36,461
Meg has to wait too.
505
00:30:38,213 --> 00:30:41,341
Is today usually when I
have roid rage, or tomorrow?
506
00:30:41,425 --> 00:30:43,093
A little bit of both.
507
00:30:44,178 --> 00:30:46,513
Sometimes later, sometimes tonight.
508
00:30:46,597 --> 00:30:50,642
After I finish chemo,
I tend to get an attitude from steroids.
509
00:30:52,019 --> 00:30:54,646
So, do you want to know
something funny I do
510
00:30:54,730 --> 00:30:56,732
when I have roid rage, that I say to Meg?
511
00:30:57,566 --> 00:31:00,360
- "At the very least."
- "At the very least!"
512
00:31:00,444 --> 00:31:01,820
It drives me fucking nuts.
513
00:31:01,904 --> 00:31:04,406
I will be like, when I have roid rage...
514
00:31:04,489 --> 00:31:07,743
Andrea will be like, "At the very least,
get me a glass of water."
515
00:31:07,826 --> 00:31:09,244
I'm like, "Are you kidding?"
516
00:31:09,328 --> 00:31:12,497
"Can you at the very least
get me a smoothie?"
517
00:31:12,581 --> 00:31:16,251
And she will have done
seven thousand things that day.
518
00:31:16,335 --> 00:31:18,003
And I'm like, "At the very least..."
519
00:31:18,086 --> 00:31:21,006
Then I'm like... I think at this point
I'm trying not to say that,
520
00:31:21,089 --> 00:31:24,384
but I don't know why I say it.
"At the very least."
521
00:31:25,469 --> 00:31:29,348
It's the one phrase where I feel
like I'm gonna lose my mind!
522
00:31:29,431 --> 00:31:32,684
Actually, I'm gonna write
a new love poem for you
523
00:31:32,768 --> 00:31:34,436
titled "At The Very Least."
524
00:31:37,231 --> 00:31:39,983
As much as I don't like
how I look in this haircut,
525
00:31:40,609 --> 00:31:42,486
I am so annoyed by having long hair
526
00:31:42,569 --> 00:31:45,572
that I've decided I'm only gonna have
short hair from now on.
527
00:31:46,698 --> 00:31:49,076
And besides,
I think it makes me look tough.
528
00:31:51,662 --> 00:31:53,580
And I think, you know...
529
00:31:55,457 --> 00:31:58,210
it's important
for the outsides to match the insides.
530
00:32:01,171 --> 00:32:04,174
What should my outsides
look like to match my insides?
531
00:32:07,427 --> 00:32:08,929
Sweet.
532
00:32:10,973 --> 00:32:12,182
Brilliant.
533
00:32:16,436 --> 00:32:17,646
Beautiful.
534
00:32:21,441 --> 00:32:23,193
At the very least.
535
00:32:26,530 --> 00:32:28,490
At the very least!
536
00:32:33,120 --> 00:32:37,291
So what I'm about to do right now
is open my bloodwork
537
00:32:37,374 --> 00:32:39,376
and see what my cancer marker is.
538
00:32:40,460 --> 00:32:43,755
So Andrea has cancer
that can be measured with a blood test.
539
00:32:43,839 --> 00:32:49,219
It's called a CA-125,
a cancer antigen 125,
540
00:32:49,303 --> 00:32:53,473
and it's used to measure
ovarian cancer disease in the body.
541
00:32:54,057 --> 00:32:59,521
And so, every three weeks
for the last three years,
542
00:32:59,605 --> 00:33:02,357
I look and see, is the cancer growing?
543
00:33:03,066 --> 00:33:05,652
And so I sort of wait to see if I'm...
544
00:33:06,069 --> 00:33:06,904
dying.
545
00:33:07,529 --> 00:33:10,991
I feel like we live our life
in three-week cycles, almost.
546
00:33:12,117 --> 00:33:14,745
And then I think, as you get closer,
547
00:33:14,828 --> 00:33:17,831
{\an8}maybe a week away
till the next blood test,
548
00:33:17,915 --> 00:33:20,626
{\an8}you feel that haunting feeling again,
549
00:33:20,709 --> 00:33:23,795
and it just goes in a circle.
550
00:33:24,963 --> 00:33:28,550
{\an8}The last time I tested,
my CA-125 was a 16.
551
00:33:30,052 --> 00:33:33,472
It's kind of hard to know what to feel...
552
00:33:35,474 --> 00:33:37,559
especially if it's a number like...
553
00:33:40,854 --> 00:33:43,607
in the, I don't know, 20s or something.
554
00:33:43,690 --> 00:33:46,568
It's kind of hard to know
what to make of it.
555
00:33:46,652 --> 00:33:51,490
I would feel like, if it was a 16
or lower, we'd be pretty happy.
556
00:33:54,243 --> 00:33:59,081
I don't wanna talk about, like,
numbers being like equal to emotions.
557
00:33:59,164 --> 00:34:00,249
Okay.
558
00:34:00,832 --> 00:34:03,085
Okay, baby, I don't want you to look.
559
00:34:05,212 --> 00:34:07,005
Baby, how do I log in?
560
00:34:09,507 --> 00:34:10,551
Here.
561
00:34:17,014 --> 00:34:18,100
It's high.
562
00:34:19,059 --> 00:34:20,811
- What is it?
- It's a 21.
563
00:34:42,833 --> 00:34:44,751
What does that feel like to you?
564
00:34:45,460 --> 00:34:48,839
My guess, it means cancer's
growing in other parts of my body.
565
00:34:53,594 --> 00:34:56,722
And my guess is that means
the treatment has stopped working.
566
00:34:58,765 --> 00:35:00,017
And that...
567
00:35:00,767 --> 00:35:02,853
unless, like, a miracle happens,
568
00:35:02,936 --> 00:35:04,688
I would probably die soon.
569
00:35:12,321 --> 00:35:14,281
Do you mind writing my friends?
570
00:35:15,949 --> 00:35:18,535
There is always part of me
that can't quite relax
571
00:35:18,619 --> 00:35:20,078
until my friends know.
572
00:35:22,164 --> 00:35:24,666
And I think it's harder for my mom
than anyone,
573
00:35:25,501 --> 00:35:27,961
because she lost her sister
to ovarian cancer
574
00:35:28,045 --> 00:35:31,131
and then her mom died
of a broken heart right after.
575
00:35:31,840 --> 00:35:34,593
And so I feel the most sensitive
about telling her.
576
00:35:36,845 --> 00:35:39,139
I don't know all of the what it means.
577
00:35:39,223 --> 00:35:40,974
But I know what the diagnosis is,
578
00:35:41,058 --> 00:35:44,520
so I know, regardless, like,
this treatment is gonna stop working,
579
00:35:44,603 --> 00:35:46,563
either now or soon.
580
00:35:47,105 --> 00:35:48,106
And...
581
00:35:49,900 --> 00:35:51,568
when I accept it,
582
00:35:52,319 --> 00:35:54,613
all of the sweetness trickles in.
583
00:35:55,697 --> 00:35:59,368
Because when I'm not accepting it,
that's the only place I am,
584
00:35:59,451 --> 00:36:01,119
is hanging out with this number.
585
00:36:03,622 --> 00:36:06,917
But when I accept, "Okay,
this is what's happening,"
586
00:36:08,210 --> 00:36:09,878
then I get to be with life.
587
00:36:13,006 --> 00:36:15,342
All of us are gonna have this moment.
588
00:36:15,843 --> 00:36:17,803
Like, everybody here.
589
00:36:17,886 --> 00:36:19,555
We're all gonna have it.
590
00:36:22,975 --> 00:36:26,979
I always say to Andrea,
"I couldn't do any of this without you."
591
00:36:29,147 --> 00:36:32,734
Thank God you're here doing this with me,
I couldn't do this without you. [laughs]
592
00:36:34,152 --> 00:36:35,237
It's so true.
593
00:36:36,321 --> 00:36:38,115
I couldn't do any of it without you.
594
00:36:42,786 --> 00:36:44,788
I wrote a new kind of bucket list.
595
00:36:44,872 --> 00:36:47,875
{\an8}It isn't an index of wild adventures.
596
00:36:47,958 --> 00:36:52,129
{\an8}It requires no bungee jumps, wingsuits
or hot air balloons.
597
00:36:52,212 --> 00:36:53,630
No passport stamps
598
00:36:53,714 --> 00:36:55,799
or dolphin swims.
599
00:36:55,883 --> 00:36:58,302
As riveting as those things may be,
600
00:36:58,385 --> 00:37:00,012
none of them ignite me as much
601
00:37:00,095 --> 00:37:04,641
as what most of us were taught
to think of as the little things.
602
00:37:04,725 --> 00:37:09,396
These are my biggest, tiniest dreams.
603
00:37:10,856 --> 00:37:14,860
To sit with the mourning dove
who cries for her lost love.
604
00:37:15,319 --> 00:37:17,321
To mend a friend's clothes
605
00:37:18,071 --> 00:37:20,407
with my grandmother's thimbles.
606
00:37:20,490 --> 00:37:23,076
To découpage my piano
607
00:37:23,160 --> 00:37:24,536
with love poems.
608
00:37:25,120 --> 00:37:28,957
Baby, will you get your tool box?
We're gonna need it.
609
00:37:29,833 --> 00:37:33,253
- How about my power drill?
- We might need your power drill.
610
00:37:33,337 --> 00:37:36,632
There are four squirrels here,
and they fight when I bring out nuts.
611
00:37:36,715 --> 00:37:39,134
And so I got these houses.
612
00:37:41,011 --> 00:37:46,808
To watch a squirrel rebuild her nest
in the only pine that survived the storm.
613
00:37:46,892 --> 00:37:48,977
- Oh, yes!
- Yes, yes, yes!
614
00:37:49,770 --> 00:37:53,440
To fix the mailbox
after the snowplow knocks it down.
615
00:37:54,024 --> 00:37:57,027
I came out, and the mailbox
was completely gone.
616
00:37:57,110 --> 00:37:58,612
With all our mail in it too.
617
00:37:58,695 --> 00:38:00,489
Have you looked for the mailbox?
618
00:38:00,572 --> 00:38:02,241
I mean, why, have you seen it?
619
00:38:04,826 --> 00:38:09,289
To fix the mailbox
after the windstorm knocks it down.
620
00:38:09,373 --> 00:38:12,167
This seems weird
that it comes with a kids' thing.
621
00:38:12,251 --> 00:38:13,961
Like, is it for children?
622
00:38:14,044 --> 00:38:16,630
- No, it's an actual mailbox.
- But look at this.
623
00:38:19,174 --> 00:38:21,134
I said it was Fisher-Price!
624
00:38:21,218 --> 00:38:23,136
Is it actually Fisher-Price?
625
00:38:23,220 --> 00:38:27,683
To fix the mailbox
after a bear knocks it down
626
00:38:27,766 --> 00:38:30,018
and a hundred times again.
627
00:38:30,602 --> 00:38:33,981
Gibby had this
aesthetically-pleasing solution!
628
00:38:35,023 --> 00:38:38,735
To say good night to my mother
every night of the year.
629
00:38:38,819 --> 00:38:41,655
- All right, Mom, sweet dreams. Bye.
- Love you.
630
00:38:41,738 --> 00:38:46,326
To hold the hospital's elevator door open
for a stranger
631
00:38:46,410 --> 00:38:49,371
minutes after I've received hard news.
632
00:38:49,454 --> 00:38:51,748
Thank you so much for everything.
633
00:38:51,832 --> 00:38:55,002
To thank the nurse too many times.
634
00:38:55,085 --> 00:38:56,545
Thank you so much.
635
00:38:56,628 --> 00:38:58,130
There's a bug.
636
00:38:59,882 --> 00:39:02,259
I gotta let this bug out, you guys.
637
00:39:03,427 --> 00:39:07,514
To feel a spider
walk the tightrope of my lifelines
638
00:39:07,598 --> 00:39:10,809
while I carry her carefully outside.
639
00:39:12,686 --> 00:39:15,814
To sleep on a canopy bed beneath the stars
640
00:39:15,898 --> 00:39:18,525
and invent new constellations.
641
00:39:18,609 --> 00:39:19,985
The twin stars,
642
00:39:20,068 --> 00:39:21,612
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.
643
00:39:22,321 --> 00:39:23,697
I don't know who that is.
644
00:39:25,616 --> 00:39:29,286
To memorize the way
the moonlight reaches through the skylight
645
00:39:29,369 --> 00:39:31,830
to touch Meg's face.
646
00:39:32,372 --> 00:39:35,042
I guess I would ask you
if I had permission
647
00:39:35,125 --> 00:39:37,503
to wake you up if I was sad.
648
00:39:37,586 --> 00:39:39,880
You always have my permission.
649
00:39:40,797 --> 00:39:43,217
To feel Meg's warm arms
650
00:39:43,300 --> 00:39:46,762
wrap around me
on the back of our two-seater bike.
651
00:39:49,806 --> 00:39:55,479
We're almost there, Idge! Almost there.
You got it. You're brave.
652
00:39:55,979 --> 00:39:58,190
To dance while grieving.
653
00:39:59,066 --> 00:40:02,569
To feel the ocean in an above-ground pool.
654
00:40:04,571 --> 00:40:06,907
To love while hurting.
655
00:40:07,658 --> 00:40:09,785
To forget my phone.
656
00:40:09,868 --> 00:40:12,704
To remember everything.
657
00:40:18,752 --> 00:40:21,588
Before cancer, I was so depressed.
658
00:40:22,714 --> 00:40:26,426
When I was diagnosed, it felt like
something was just so different.
659
00:40:26,510 --> 00:40:30,889
I felt almost made of gratitude and love.
660
00:40:33,100 --> 00:40:36,353
I've been happy
to just have a more quiet life.
661
00:40:36,436 --> 00:40:37,896
Puppy puppy!
662
00:40:38,647 --> 00:40:42,985
Before my diagnosis, I was always
travelling around the world.
663
00:40:43,610 --> 00:40:45,112
Hardly ever home.
664
00:40:45,195 --> 00:40:47,656
Doing show after show after show.
665
00:40:48,490 --> 00:40:52,578
And the last three years,
since my cancer diagnosis,
666
00:40:52,661 --> 00:40:54,830
I'm not doing that anymore.
667
00:40:54,913 --> 00:40:59,543
{\an8}Hi, wonderfuls. I recently found out
that I'm having a recurrence,
668
00:40:59,626 --> 00:41:02,171
{\an8}and I have to cancel my fall tour.
669
00:41:02,254 --> 00:41:04,840
To everyone who bought a ticket...
670
00:41:04,923 --> 00:41:07,217
I love you. Thank you so much.
671
00:41:07,301 --> 00:41:10,220
I'm gonna keep you updated
on this journey, okay?
672
00:41:12,222 --> 00:41:15,267
And so I haven't done a show in years.
673
00:41:16,351 --> 00:41:18,353
My immunity is so low,
674
00:41:18,437 --> 00:41:20,772
and Meg and I are so quarantined.
675
00:41:22,024 --> 00:41:23,942
It feels like a real risk.
676
00:41:25,944 --> 00:41:29,364
But I'll be real.
I really miss performing so much.
677
00:41:30,782 --> 00:41:32,951
Do you want to do another live show?
678
00:41:33,035 --> 00:41:37,414
I would be so broken-hearted, I think,
to die without doing another show.
679
00:41:37,497 --> 00:41:39,041
I would love to do a show.
680
00:41:41,627 --> 00:41:46,048
But my health has never been
more up in the air than it is right now.
681
00:41:47,299 --> 00:41:48,967
So I don't know.
682
00:41:53,055 --> 00:41:55,349
Alexa, turn off the bedroom light.
683
00:41:56,099 --> 00:41:57,226
Okay.
684
00:42:01,104 --> 00:42:03,482
What was the best part of your day?
685
00:42:04,399 --> 00:42:06,860
You know, I had this moment where...
686
00:42:06,944 --> 00:42:09,488
Ryan asked if I wanted to do a show.
687
00:42:10,948 --> 00:42:11,990
And I...
688
00:42:13,033 --> 00:42:14,576
I so do.
689
00:42:16,119 --> 00:42:17,704
I really, really do.
690
00:42:19,790 --> 00:42:22,292
I got excited thinking about it.
691
00:42:22,376 --> 00:42:24,044
What about you?
692
00:42:24,753 --> 00:42:26,755
There's a few to choose from.
693
00:42:27,714 --> 00:42:28,882
Okay.
694
00:42:29,758 --> 00:42:31,260
But I like this one.
695
00:42:31,969 --> 00:42:33,178
This one?
696
00:42:33,262 --> 00:42:36,723
That wasn't fair. That would have been
mine too, if I'd known.
697
00:42:37,307 --> 00:42:40,394
- If you'd known what?
- That it was an option.
698
00:42:47,693 --> 00:42:50,320
- Bethy? Hi!
- Hi!
699
00:42:50,404 --> 00:42:52,489
Are you excited to go to the dump?
700
00:42:52,573 --> 00:42:53,657
I am.
701
00:42:53,740 --> 00:42:56,326
I'm so excited to go to the dump!
702
00:42:56,952 --> 00:42:59,538
Just so you know, I figured out last night
703
00:42:59,621 --> 00:43:02,124
that if you whisper, they can hear you.
704
00:43:02,207 --> 00:43:04,209
- Oh.
- They're hearing me right now.
705
00:43:04,293 --> 00:43:08,297
And so never, ever whisper to me
that you don't like them.
706
00:43:10,007 --> 00:43:11,008
Okay.
707
00:43:12,759 --> 00:43:17,389
Do they know we know each other?
Or do they think I'm an Uber dump driver?
708
00:43:18,557 --> 00:43:20,601
They know you're my ex from long ago,
709
00:43:20,684 --> 00:43:22,561
and they know
you're one of my best friends.
710
00:43:23,103 --> 00:43:24,938
Well, the first thing you should know...
711
00:43:25,022 --> 00:43:27,941
Oh my God, she always says this!
Always.
712
00:43:28,025 --> 00:43:30,319
...is that my claim to fame
is I broke up with Andrea.
713
00:43:30,402 --> 00:43:31,737
Yeah.
714
00:43:31,820 --> 00:43:34,740
How many people can say,
"I broke up with Andrea Gibson"?
715
00:43:34,823 --> 00:43:35,991
A lot!
716
00:43:36,074 --> 00:43:39,786
- A lot can say that! Are you crazy?
- I was the first.
717
00:43:39,870 --> 00:43:41,288
I started the poetry career.
718
00:43:41,622 --> 00:43:43,290
Why did you dump them?
719
00:43:44,333 --> 00:43:47,002
It turned out
we're pretty much the same person.
720
00:43:47,085 --> 00:43:50,881
We're both boys, and we didn't yet
understand gender, right?
721
00:43:50,964 --> 00:43:51,965
I think so.
722
00:43:52,049 --> 00:43:54,009
Ryan, not that two boys can't date.
723
00:43:55,385 --> 00:43:58,430
That's right. It's just too...
724
00:43:58,514 --> 00:44:00,516
- It wasn't our thing.
- It wasn't our thing.
725
00:44:02,392 --> 00:44:06,063
When I first came out,
my parents were really struggling
726
00:44:06,146 --> 00:44:08,398
to understand queerness,
727
00:44:08,482 --> 00:44:12,903
and to think that I could have
a happy life as a queer person.
728
00:44:13,362 --> 00:44:15,739
I was really afraid
to meet Bethy's parents,
729
00:44:15,822 --> 00:44:17,866
because I knew they were very Catholic.
730
00:44:17,950 --> 00:44:20,285
And then I walk into their house
731
00:44:20,369 --> 00:44:22,829
and they were so loving.
732
00:44:22,913 --> 00:44:26,333
Bethy's dad, he recently passed of cancer.
733
00:44:26,416 --> 00:44:30,504
And literally, he was diagnosed,
and five days later, he was gone.
734
00:44:30,587 --> 00:44:35,050
And I remember calling Andrea and
I was like, "I can't stay in the room."
735
00:44:35,133 --> 00:44:37,886
Because it was like... It wasn't sadness.
736
00:44:37,970 --> 00:44:41,890
It was like this discomfort with, like,
what was impending.
737
00:44:41,974 --> 00:44:47,563
And Andrea said,
"Just open your heart to love.
738
00:44:48,313 --> 00:44:51,316
Everything that you're feeling right now,
name it 'love,'
739
00:44:51,400 --> 00:44:54,194
whether it's fear or sadness.
740
00:44:54,278 --> 00:44:56,613
Everything that you're feeling,
name it 'love.'"
741
00:44:56,697 --> 00:45:00,075
I feel like that changed my experience
with losing him.
742
00:45:06,874 --> 00:45:10,502
Somebody just threw that chair away?
It's actually a good chair.
743
00:45:10,586 --> 00:45:12,421
- The white one?
- Yeah.
744
00:45:13,380 --> 00:45:17,009
There's a line in one of Andrea's poems
745
00:45:17,092 --> 00:45:20,220
which is, so many queer people
are friends with their exes,
746
00:45:20,304 --> 00:45:22,097
because they've lost so much family,
747
00:45:22,181 --> 00:45:25,017
that when they find people
they call family,
748
00:45:25,100 --> 00:45:27,769
they will do anything to not let them go.
749
00:45:29,813 --> 00:45:31,481
Will you get it for me, Bethy?
750
00:45:31,565 --> 00:45:33,150
There are two of 'em.
751
00:45:33,233 --> 00:45:36,570
Most of my best friends
are my ex-girlfriends.
752
00:45:36,987 --> 00:45:38,655
Like Bethy.
753
00:45:38,739 --> 00:45:41,491
Bethy has a son now
754
00:45:41,575 --> 00:45:44,620
who calls Andrea "Ankle."
755
00:45:44,703 --> 00:45:47,247
So it's like "Aunt" and "Uncle" combined.
756
00:45:47,331 --> 00:45:49,917
And this house that we're living in,
757
00:45:50,000 --> 00:45:55,047
Andrea bought with Emily,
who was their ex, like, 25 years ago.
758
00:45:56,006 --> 00:45:58,759
Then when I moved in,
I moved in with Andrea and Emily.
759
00:45:59,760 --> 00:46:03,847
And then Heather,
who they dated for eight years before.
760
00:46:03,931 --> 00:46:07,142
Most of my heartbroken poems
are about Heather.
761
00:46:07,226 --> 00:46:11,104
Now I hired her as my manager.
She's one of my closest friends.
762
00:46:11,188 --> 00:46:13,857
So, yeah, a lot of exes.
763
00:46:14,566 --> 00:46:17,736
And they feel like family to me too.
764
00:46:18,070 --> 00:46:20,906
All right, Bone, let's talk business.
765
00:46:20,989 --> 00:46:25,744
So we just opened up conversations again
about maybe doing another live show.
766
00:46:25,827 --> 00:46:29,873
I see it being something that's different
than something you've done before.
767
00:46:29,957 --> 00:46:32,501
I see people flying in for it.
768
00:46:32,584 --> 00:46:35,629
I see it being an event for people.
769
00:46:35,712 --> 00:46:39,675
In many ways, there's a likelihood
that that would be my last show.
770
00:46:39,758 --> 00:46:41,677
So it would be really emotional,
771
00:46:41,760 --> 00:46:44,096
because then all my friends could come
772
00:46:44,179 --> 00:46:46,265
and sort of hold my heart through it.
773
00:46:46,348 --> 00:46:47,850
- Yes.
- But I'm so nervous.
774
00:46:47,933 --> 00:46:50,477
I don't wanna keep canceling more shows.
775
00:46:51,186 --> 00:46:55,440
It was really hard for me to do that,
to have to cancel a whole tour.
776
00:46:56,024 --> 00:46:57,401
- So, we'll see.
- Yeah.
777
00:47:06,326 --> 00:47:09,538
Right now, Andrea's helping me
edit my memoir.
778
00:47:09,621 --> 00:47:12,666
We edit each other very differently.
779
00:47:13,292 --> 00:47:16,086
Yeah, it takes me so, so long to write.
780
00:47:16,170 --> 00:47:20,299
And so to watch Meg write,
she will just come up with this brilliant,
781
00:47:20,382 --> 00:47:21,592
beautiful...
782
00:47:22,968 --> 00:47:25,179
writing in such a brief amount of time.
783
00:47:26,388 --> 00:47:29,057
That's the thing, Meg.
You know so many words.
784
00:47:29,141 --> 00:47:33,979
But one day we're gonna find out that
all these words that Meg says are words
785
00:47:34,062 --> 00:47:35,689
- aren't really words.
- Okay.
786
00:47:35,772 --> 00:47:38,317
Let's take a vote. What's more weird,
787
00:47:38,400 --> 00:47:40,944
me knowing words as a poet and a writer,
788
00:47:41,028 --> 00:47:44,489
or Andrea, poet laureate, knowing... five?
789
00:47:44,948 --> 00:47:47,576
Do you know how good of a writer
you have to be
790
00:47:47,659 --> 00:47:50,662
to write as many poems as I have
with five words?
791
00:47:52,456 --> 00:47:53,582
Sorry!
792
00:47:53,665 --> 00:47:55,626
But, like, you have way more tools.
793
00:47:55,709 --> 00:47:59,046
It's like I just built a house
with a screwdriver.
794
00:47:59,796 --> 00:48:03,133
- Okay. So...
- What is this chapter of?
795
00:48:03,217 --> 00:48:04,676
Just to prepare me.
796
00:48:05,219 --> 00:48:08,555
- Leading up to the surgery.
- Okay.
797
00:48:10,015 --> 00:48:13,393
"My attention was spellbound
by the sight of Andrea's stomach.
798
00:48:14,019 --> 00:48:17,022
Their mid-section,
formerly sharp and angular,
799
00:48:17,105 --> 00:48:19,775
had distended so much
in the past few weeks,
800
00:48:19,858 --> 00:48:22,903
swollen now in a way
that made everything feel more real,
801
00:48:22,986 --> 00:48:24,530
more urgent.
802
00:48:24,613 --> 00:48:27,366
Like me, they had a potbelly.
803
00:48:27,449 --> 00:48:31,286
I'd loathed my own stomach all of my life,
but I had never once feared
804
00:48:31,370 --> 00:48:35,624
that something sinister could be
growing silently, under the surface."
805
00:48:37,501 --> 00:48:40,295
I think there's so much beautiful
in there, baby.
806
00:48:40,379 --> 00:48:43,131
I love the writing. I think it's great.
807
00:48:43,215 --> 00:48:45,676
But there's something missing for me.
808
00:48:45,759 --> 00:48:48,387
We hear, "I don't wanna lose Andrea,"
809
00:48:48,470 --> 00:48:50,597
you know, hopefully,
810
00:48:50,681 --> 00:48:52,808
but I don't know what you're feeling.
811
00:48:53,559 --> 00:48:56,687
Will you tell me more?
I agree with it, what you're saying,
812
00:48:56,770 --> 00:49:00,774
I just feel like sometimes I think
that I'm doing that, and I'm not.
813
00:49:01,316 --> 00:49:04,486
Like, for me, it was like things
were being put into perspective,
814
00:49:04,570 --> 00:49:06,238
and that was what I was trying to...
815
00:49:06,321 --> 00:49:08,907
You have to be able to articulate
816
00:49:08,991 --> 00:49:11,034
why you, as my partner,
817
00:49:11,118 --> 00:49:13,036
the closest person to me...
818
00:49:13,996 --> 00:49:17,833
are the person holding it together.
Why aren't you falling apart?
819
00:49:17,916 --> 00:49:22,129
Which it's totally fine that you're not.
But it has to be included.
820
00:49:22,212 --> 00:49:24,506
You're the main character, not me.
821
00:49:24,590 --> 00:49:28,051
I'm going to get in where you see
my food addiction a bit more
822
00:49:28,135 --> 00:49:29,803
- once we're in chemo.
- Okay.
823
00:49:29,887 --> 00:49:33,807
- So you might see it there.
- So keep going and let me see.
824
00:49:33,891 --> 00:49:37,352
"Cancer care proved
to be octopoidal. My phone--"
825
00:49:37,436 --> 00:49:40,230
- What the fuck is that?
- What does it sound like?
826
00:49:41,440 --> 00:49:43,650
- "Octopoidal"?
- Yeah.
827
00:49:43,734 --> 00:49:46,653
I have no fucking clue
what that means, Meg.
828
00:49:46,737 --> 00:49:48,947
That one's too much, I'm sorry.
829
00:49:50,157 --> 00:49:52,868
Well, I think octopoidal means
like an octopus.
830
00:49:52,951 --> 00:49:55,621
But I thought of it as having many arms.
831
00:49:56,705 --> 00:49:57,998
Eight arms.
832
00:49:59,625 --> 00:50:04,379
I'm gonna make a note to say something
about arms of responsibility,
833
00:50:04,463 --> 00:50:09,343
just to help along the plebeians.
Does that word mean what I think it means?
834
00:50:09,843 --> 00:50:14,264
The plebeians are a race of aliens
that lived in Atlantis.
835
00:50:14,973 --> 00:50:16,308
No way!
836
00:50:16,391 --> 00:50:19,186
It's true! It's fucking true!
837
00:50:19,269 --> 00:50:22,689
No, it's a member of the common people
in Ancient Rome.
838
00:50:22,773 --> 00:50:24,983
"A commoner or vulgar person."
839
00:50:27,694 --> 00:50:29,363
- Okay, keep going.
- Okay.
840
00:50:30,322 --> 00:50:33,534
"At the dispensary,
I flashed a medical marijuana card
841
00:50:33,617 --> 00:50:35,911
with 'caregiver' printed next to my name.
842
00:50:35,994 --> 00:50:39,164
My new identity, stamped
and validated by the state."
843
00:50:41,041 --> 00:50:45,796
Three years ago, we were just,
like, really struggling as a couple.
844
00:50:46,380 --> 00:50:52,094
And when we found out that it was cancer,
they basically tried to break up with me.
845
00:50:52,177 --> 00:50:55,013
They were like,
"I don't wanna do this with you."
846
00:50:55,097 --> 00:50:59,268
And I was just like,
"I am not going anywhere."
847
00:51:00,727 --> 00:51:05,649
It felt like the next day
our relationship had healed completely.
848
00:51:06,567 --> 00:51:10,487
And we've been together now
for nine years.
849
00:51:11,446 --> 00:51:14,449
I don't know
if you all have figured it out yet,
850
00:51:14,950 --> 00:51:17,452
but Meg is an anomaly.
851
00:51:18,161 --> 00:51:20,789
She has lived most of her life
never worrying.
852
00:51:21,498 --> 00:51:23,625
It's actually very innate with me.
853
00:51:24,376 --> 00:51:27,296
Any time that I've worried
about something,
854
00:51:27,379 --> 00:51:30,257
I have a lot of proof that it was
a complete waste of time.
855
00:51:30,340 --> 00:51:32,843
So in the rare moments
that I have worried,
856
00:51:32,926 --> 00:51:36,305
I'm like, "Why did I do that?"
857
00:51:37,055 --> 00:51:42,269
How I look at all of it is
there's so many different possibilities
858
00:51:42,352 --> 00:51:44,146
of things that could happen.
859
00:51:44,229 --> 00:51:47,733
That Andrea could die
is one slice of possibility.
860
00:51:48,775 --> 00:51:53,155
Another slice of possibility is that
another medication comes out and it...
861
00:51:53,238 --> 00:51:57,201
works for another year, and then another,
and that they could die in five years.
862
00:51:57,284 --> 00:52:00,454
Another possibility is
that those medications happen,
863
00:52:00,537 --> 00:52:02,831
and a cure for cancer happens
in that time,
864
00:52:02,915 --> 00:52:06,043
or for this,
and they can live for a long time.
865
00:52:06,126 --> 00:52:08,545
Like, I just don't know.
866
00:52:08,629 --> 00:52:11,006
I don't wanna pretend to know
how it will go.
867
00:52:12,466 --> 00:52:18,055
I feel like if it comes down
to me having to grieve something big,
868
00:52:18,138 --> 00:52:21,517
I will grieve something big, and fully.
869
00:52:21,600 --> 00:52:26,313
But it doesn't make sense for me to grieve
before it happens.
870
00:52:28,106 --> 00:52:30,943
Maybe that's why,
when Andrea's in pain, like,
871
00:52:31,026 --> 00:52:34,738
it feels... I get heavier,
just because that feels like,
872
00:52:34,821 --> 00:52:38,033
"Okay, you're in pain right now,
you can't walk right now,
873
00:52:38,116 --> 00:52:39,701
and this is hard right now."
874
00:52:41,161 --> 00:52:43,455
I don't know
what people's perception of me is,
875
00:52:43,539 --> 00:52:46,917
if they think I'm in denial,
if they think I'm really resilient.
876
00:52:47,000 --> 00:52:49,419
She's a little in denial,
which is fine with me.
877
00:52:50,254 --> 00:52:52,297
Is it strength or repression?
878
00:52:54,174 --> 00:52:58,554
So, it kept popping up for me,
around Meg,
879
00:52:58,637 --> 00:53:01,557
and just imagining that wearing on Meg.
880
00:53:03,016 --> 00:53:08,105
And I sat her down and I told her
that I was feeling really afraid
881
00:53:09,022 --> 00:53:12,276
that her joy from here on out
882
00:53:13,652 --> 00:53:16,655
would come at the times
where she wasn't around me.
883
00:53:17,781 --> 00:53:22,995
I think there's a fear of, like,
feeling guilty taking care of yourself.
884
00:53:24,079 --> 00:53:27,332
I mean, even writing, it's hard sometimes
to make that time for myself,
885
00:53:27,416 --> 00:53:29,710
because I'm like, okay, that's time alone,
886
00:53:29,793 --> 00:53:33,130
with the person I love
on the other side of the door.
887
00:53:35,174 --> 00:53:36,592
But also, like...
888
00:53:37,801 --> 00:53:40,596
it's the thing that I wanna do
with my life too.
889
00:53:41,346 --> 00:53:45,559
I guess there's a part of me that feels
sometimes torn of where to be.
890
00:53:47,936 --> 00:53:51,607
It's really complicated to figure out.
Like, if somebody said,
891
00:53:51,690 --> 00:53:54,193
"Andrea's gonna die in a month..."
892
00:53:54,276 --> 00:53:56,695
God forbid. But if somebody said that,
893
00:53:56,778 --> 00:54:00,073
I'm not spending any month of that
writing my little book.
894
00:54:00,157 --> 00:54:02,409
I'm, like, there, I'm fully present.
895
00:54:04,077 --> 00:54:07,748
It's a dance and a balance
that I'm working on.
896
00:54:07,831 --> 00:54:11,084
And I feel like, sometimes, I'm...
897
00:54:12,753 --> 00:54:14,755
too young to be working on it.
898
00:54:15,672 --> 00:54:18,383
I don't think it's that common to be 35...
899
00:54:21,261 --> 00:54:23,055
and holding all of it.
900
00:54:26,808 --> 00:54:27,809
Yeah.
901
00:54:34,858 --> 00:54:36,443
- Hi.
- Hi, Dr. Alldredge.
902
00:54:36,860 --> 00:54:40,531
- How are you feeling?
- I'm okay. I'm in some pain.
903
00:54:41,073 --> 00:54:43,242
So let me pull this up for you.
904
00:54:44,076 --> 00:54:48,163
So, just to get oriented, here's the table
that we're laying on.
905
00:54:48,664 --> 00:54:51,667
So these are the bones of the pelvis,
and then there's that spot
906
00:54:51,750 --> 00:54:53,502
which looks more lymph node.
907
00:54:53,585 --> 00:54:55,796
On the surface,
it's muscle that's right here.
908
00:54:55,879 --> 00:54:56,713
Yeah.
909
00:54:56,797 --> 00:55:00,342
And may actually be responsible
for some of that deeper pain.
910
00:55:00,425 --> 00:55:03,554
If I give you permission
to actually point on my body
911
00:55:03,637 --> 00:55:06,098
where I might be feeling pain,
do you mind?
912
00:55:06,181 --> 00:55:10,561
Yeah, so I would expect it to be
almost up in here.
913
00:55:10,644 --> 00:55:13,313
- Yep, that's-- Yeah.
- Is that where it is?
914
00:55:13,397 --> 00:55:16,483
So I think, as we're thinking
about what we do next,
915
00:55:16,567 --> 00:55:19,111
is that we can use the Elahere still,
916
00:55:19,194 --> 00:55:21,238
and add Avastin to that picture.
917
00:55:21,321 --> 00:55:24,074
There's still a small chance with Avastin
918
00:55:24,157 --> 00:55:27,160
of having the complications
we talked about,
919
00:55:27,244 --> 00:55:29,371
like some kind of bowel injury.
920
00:55:30,414 --> 00:55:33,959
Or that voice change risk
that we talked about.
921
00:55:34,042 --> 00:55:38,255
And I know those were hard risks
for us to accept.
922
00:55:39,256 --> 00:55:42,718
Right? 'Cause I know protecting your voice
is important.
923
00:55:42,801 --> 00:55:45,137
And if you feel like
those are unacceptable risks,
924
00:55:45,220 --> 00:55:47,848
- then we don't have to. And that's okay.
- Okay.
925
00:55:47,931 --> 00:55:51,518
We still have other things in the toolbox
to fight this. This isn't...
926
00:55:51,602 --> 00:55:54,730
Prayers? Songs?
927
00:55:54,813 --> 00:55:57,399
- Sure. And also chemo.
- Yeah?
928
00:55:57,482 --> 00:55:59,776
And also western medicine!
929
00:56:00,777 --> 00:56:04,281
But we have several clinical trials
of things that have...
930
00:56:04,364 --> 00:56:07,242
- a chance to buy us many, many months.
- Yeah.
931
00:56:07,326 --> 00:56:10,954
- And so we're not out of options.
- Okay. Great.
932
00:56:11,038 --> 00:56:13,332
- Thank you so much.
- Of course.
933
00:56:14,458 --> 00:56:17,461
"Buy me a few months" was hard to hear.
934
00:56:40,526 --> 00:56:42,945
The reason I'm crying is because...
935
00:56:48,951 --> 00:56:51,119
This is the weirdest thing to say, but...
936
00:56:51,995 --> 00:56:55,290
if I die, Meg's
gonna really need me to support her...
937
00:56:56,667 --> 00:56:58,502
through those feelings.
938
00:56:59,795 --> 00:57:03,674
Like, I can't stand the idea
of not being there for her
939
00:57:04,383 --> 00:57:05,467
through that.
940
00:57:09,137 --> 00:57:10,931
I was telling her the other night too.
941
00:57:11,014 --> 00:57:14,518
I said, "If I do die, I can't stand
the idea of not being like,
942
00:57:14,601 --> 00:57:16,687
'Meg, you will not believe it!
943
00:57:17,396 --> 00:57:19,773
You will not believe what happens!'"
944
00:57:25,362 --> 00:57:27,239
I started Avastin.
945
00:57:27,322 --> 00:57:31,034
This new chemo that I'm doing is added
to the one that I was doing before.
946
00:57:32,452 --> 00:57:37,624
And the scary side effect of that
is you could lose your voice.
947
00:57:38,792 --> 00:57:40,669
But it felt like I was like, "Okay.
948
00:57:40,752 --> 00:57:43,672
Like, stop doing your purpose, or die."
949
00:57:45,215 --> 00:57:48,635
And I woke up
just the day after the first infusion
950
00:57:48,719 --> 00:57:50,637
and I couldn't talk at all.
951
00:57:50,721 --> 00:57:54,183
My throat would get so inflamed
that I felt like I couldn't breathe.
952
00:57:54,975 --> 00:57:58,854
I was panicked, because I tried
to call for Meg, couldn't.
953
00:58:00,063 --> 00:58:00,939
And...
954
00:58:02,191 --> 00:58:03,233
being...
955
00:58:04,568 --> 00:58:06,612
in physical suffering
956
00:58:06,695 --> 00:58:09,448
and not being able to call for help
was frightening.
957
00:58:09,531 --> 00:58:11,074
Like, I was scared.
958
00:58:12,826 --> 00:58:16,330
Of all symptoms for me to get,
and it's rare!
959
00:58:17,080 --> 00:58:18,540
And I got it, you know?
960
00:58:20,042 --> 00:58:23,921
To me, it feels like
a biblical, allegorical thing.
961
00:58:24,004 --> 00:58:26,256
I was like, "What is this?"
962
00:58:26,340 --> 00:58:30,886
It's this trade-off of some sort, like,
okay, take the medicine
963
00:58:30,969 --> 00:58:33,180
that is keeping you alive,
964
00:58:33,263 --> 00:58:36,808
but lose your voice,
965
00:58:36,892 --> 00:58:40,479
your gift, your communication,
your purpose.
966
00:58:41,146 --> 00:58:42,439
It feels unfair.
967
00:58:45,609 --> 00:58:48,320
And I feel like I have more investment
than anyone in the world
968
00:58:48,403 --> 00:58:50,989
of Andrea staying alive.
Not that it's up to me,
969
00:58:51,073 --> 00:58:55,077
but I would accept the choice
to not continue this medication
970
00:58:55,160 --> 00:58:57,287
if they were going to lose their voice.
971
00:58:59,498 --> 00:59:03,085
So I have to sort of
wrap my mind around not speaking.
972
00:59:04,670 --> 00:59:08,006
So much so that
I wouldn't be able to read a full poem.
973
00:59:08,090 --> 00:59:11,969
We have to cancel all of my speaking
events, all my poet laureate events.
974
00:59:13,387 --> 00:59:15,264
I'm a spoken word poet.
975
00:59:15,889 --> 00:59:17,432
I can't do that right now.
976
00:59:17,891 --> 00:59:21,728
And there's no way, there's absolutely
no way I could do a show.
977
00:59:29,903 --> 00:59:31,530
- Gib!
- Yeah, baby?
978
00:59:31,613 --> 00:59:33,574
- Will you come up here?
- Everything okay?
979
00:59:33,657 --> 00:59:35,617
- Yeah.
- Okay.
980
00:59:35,701 --> 00:59:37,786
I found something that I need you to see.
981
00:59:37,870 --> 00:59:38,829
Okay.
982
00:59:41,874 --> 00:59:44,793
Oh my God! That's amazing!
983
00:59:46,461 --> 00:59:49,256
{\an8}For the Blue Devils,
senior guard, number 32, Andrea...
984
00:59:49,339 --> 00:59:51,091
{\an8}Look, this is you!
985
00:59:52,843 --> 00:59:56,972
- Look at me! I'm so little.
- ...picked up by Gibson.
986
00:59:57,055 --> 00:59:59,683
- Let's see. Come on, Gibby!
- Gibson drives...
987
00:59:59,766 --> 01:00:00,601
What!
988
01:00:01,518 --> 01:00:02,895
Oh, my gosh.
989
01:00:02,978 --> 01:00:04,438
And it's all over.
990
01:00:04,521 --> 01:00:07,733
{\an8}Calais has won the State Class C
Schoolgirl Championship.
991
01:00:07,816 --> 01:00:11,361
{\an8}Twenty points. It's a big night
for you, and a super tournament.
992
01:00:11,445 --> 01:00:14,072
{\an8}- Is the gold ball gonna fit in that case?
- Oh, sure.
993
01:00:14,156 --> 01:00:16,241
{\an8}They've been dusting it out all week.
994
01:00:17,826 --> 01:00:20,579
So Calais is a basketball town.
995
01:00:20,996 --> 01:00:26,543
And it was also a town where I never saw
an out queer person, ever.
996
01:00:27,336 --> 01:00:30,172
People talked about queerness,
but not in...
997
01:00:30,255 --> 01:00:32,007
not in a celebratory way.
998
01:00:33,217 --> 01:00:34,760
I got bullied as a kid.
999
01:00:35,677 --> 01:00:38,347
People were commenting on my gender
at the time,
1000
01:00:38,430 --> 01:00:40,724
because I often looked like a boy.
1001
01:00:41,308 --> 01:00:44,061
I felt like I was a boy when I was young.
1002
01:00:44,144 --> 01:00:47,189
I mean... this is ridiculous!
1003
01:00:47,272 --> 01:00:53,237
But I used to put Smurfs in my underwear,
because that's how I packed, I remember...
1004
01:00:53,737 --> 01:00:56,907
Papa Smurf, he had, like, some wild hair,
1005
01:00:56,990 --> 01:00:59,409
and it was the right shape!
1006
01:01:06,583 --> 01:01:08,418
{\an8}It isn't that you don't like boys.
1007
01:01:08,877 --> 01:01:11,380
{\an8}It's that you only like boys
you want to be:
1008
01:01:12,172 --> 01:01:15,384
David with his jaw
carved out of the side of a cliff.
1009
01:01:15,467 --> 01:01:17,970
Chris, the basketball hero who has a tic.
1010
01:01:18,053 --> 01:01:21,098
He blinks 15 times when he makes a shot.
1011
01:01:21,181 --> 01:01:23,809
You spend hours blinking in the mirror,
1012
01:01:23,892 --> 01:01:26,562
wishing you could be a star like him.
1013
01:01:26,645 --> 01:01:28,480
Mary Levine calls you a dyke,
1014
01:01:28,564 --> 01:01:32,734
and you don't have the language
to tell her she's wrong... and right.
1015
01:01:33,360 --> 01:01:36,989
You just show up to her house
promising to paint her fingernails red
1016
01:01:37,072 --> 01:01:40,784
with what will gush from her busted face
if she ever says it again.
1017
01:01:41,827 --> 01:01:43,579
You just want to cut your hair
1018
01:01:43,662 --> 01:01:46,456
and spit out
whatever you don't want in your mouth,
1019
01:01:46,540 --> 01:01:48,166
your own name, even,
1020
01:01:48,250 --> 01:01:50,210
skirting around the truth.
1021
01:01:51,170 --> 01:01:53,922
You want a hard life, that is your life.
1022
01:01:54,673 --> 01:01:56,049
Your life in the locker room
1023
01:01:56,133 --> 01:01:59,303
that doesn't stop demanding
you keep your eyes on the floor,
1024
01:01:59,386 --> 01:02:02,389
your life at the prom
where you'll run home in a snowstorm,
1025
01:02:02,472 --> 01:02:04,892
chucking your last pair of heels
in a snowbank,
1026
01:02:04,975 --> 01:02:07,019
realizing you are the only boy
1027
01:02:07,102 --> 01:02:09,771
you ever wanted
to tear your dress off for.
1028
01:02:11,481 --> 01:02:14,067
In college, I was still closeted.
1029
01:02:14,151 --> 01:02:18,530
I had fallen in love with one of my
closest friends from high school, Mandy.
1030
01:02:19,448 --> 01:02:23,493
{\an8}She had come out,
and it had sort of woken me up too.
1031
01:02:24,203 --> 01:02:27,414
{\an8}And then I told her
that I was in love with her.
1032
01:02:27,497 --> 01:02:31,001
And I felt like I had discovered
the key to the universe.
1033
01:02:32,294 --> 01:02:35,005
But I was terrified. I was so scared.
1034
01:02:37,424 --> 01:02:38,342
{\an8}Mandy,
1035
01:02:38,967 --> 01:02:41,845
{\an8}only you can imagine
how much time I spent
1036
01:02:41,929 --> 01:02:43,680
picking out my outfit
1037
01:02:43,764 --> 01:02:46,350
the night you took me
to my first queer bar
1038
01:02:46,433 --> 01:02:47,726
in Portland, Maine,
1039
01:02:47,809 --> 01:02:50,270
the biggest city
I had ever walked through.
1040
01:02:50,354 --> 01:02:53,649
I was so excited and so scared
1041
01:02:53,732 --> 01:02:56,235
that we'd be spotted or killed
1042
01:02:56,318 --> 01:02:57,778
on our way inside.
1043
01:02:57,861 --> 01:03:00,739
We sat in the parking lot for over an hour
1044
01:03:00,822 --> 01:03:04,034
'til I changed my mind
and you drove me home,
1045
01:03:04,117 --> 01:03:07,996
mascara pouring down
my brand-new boy shirt.
1046
01:03:09,164 --> 01:03:10,999
I had so much shame,
1047
01:03:11,083 --> 01:03:14,920
but I would turn
things that I was still struggling with
1048
01:03:15,003 --> 01:03:16,547
into poetry.
1049
01:03:16,630 --> 01:03:19,424
Say, my gender,
when I first started writing about that,
1050
01:03:19,508 --> 01:03:22,302
I felt very anxious getting on stage.
1051
01:03:23,387 --> 01:03:26,431
But as soon as I would speak the poem
for the first time,
1052
01:03:26,515 --> 01:03:29,434
it was as if that shame fell off of me.
1053
01:03:30,644 --> 01:03:33,939
Spoken word poetry, it saved me.
1054
01:03:34,273 --> 01:03:35,816
{\an8}Choosing your life
1055
01:03:35,899 --> 01:03:39,820
{\an8}and how that made you into someone
who now often finds it easy
1056
01:03:39,903 --> 01:03:43,699
to explain your gender by saying
you're happiest on the road,
1057
01:03:43,782 --> 01:03:46,159
when you're not here or there
but in-between,
1058
01:03:46,243 --> 01:03:48,787
the yellow line
running down the center of it all
1059
01:03:48,871 --> 01:03:51,456
like a goddamn sunbeam.
1060
01:03:51,540 --> 01:03:54,459
They're gonna keep telling you
you are a crime of nature.
1061
01:03:54,543 --> 01:03:58,839
And you're gonna look at all your options
and choose conviction.
1062
01:03:58,922 --> 01:04:00,757
Choose to spend your whole life
1063
01:04:00,841 --> 01:04:04,678
telling secrets you owe no one
to everyone
1064
01:04:04,761 --> 01:04:07,347
until there isn't anyone
who can insult you
1065
01:04:07,431 --> 01:04:09,224
by calling you what you are:
1066
01:04:09,308 --> 01:04:11,935
you holy, blinking star,
1067
01:04:12,019 --> 01:04:14,479
you highway streak of light,
1068
01:04:14,563 --> 01:04:16,857
falling over and over
1069
01:04:16,940 --> 01:04:18,609
for your hard life,
1070
01:04:18,692 --> 01:04:20,444
your perfect life,
1071
01:04:20,527 --> 01:04:25,157
your sweet and beautiful life.
1072
01:04:30,787 --> 01:04:32,456
The year I got diagnosed with cancer,
1073
01:04:32,539 --> 01:04:35,501
I got contacted
by the high school in Calais,
1074
01:04:35,584 --> 01:04:39,254
and they asked me to do
the commencement speech
1075
01:04:39,338 --> 01:04:41,590
for the high school grad--
1076
01:04:45,177 --> 01:04:47,304
...for the high school graduation.
1077
01:04:49,806 --> 01:04:51,767
In my whole life,
1078
01:04:52,726 --> 01:04:56,939
nothing ever meant more to me
in regards to my career
1079
01:04:57,981 --> 01:05:01,193
than getting invited to do that.
1080
01:05:02,653 --> 01:05:04,905
I talked about growing up queer,
1081
01:05:04,988 --> 01:05:09,243
the difficulty I had with being closeted
as a student at that school.
1082
01:05:10,702 --> 01:05:12,704
I felt like something
had come full circle.
1083
01:05:14,164 --> 01:05:16,375
It felt so healing
1084
01:05:16,458 --> 01:05:20,045
and it felt so important
for my young self.
1085
01:05:20,879 --> 01:05:24,091
I could feel my younger self hearing me
1086
01:05:24,508 --> 01:05:26,260
and just feeling like,
1087
01:05:26,343 --> 01:05:29,763
this is what we've become?
1088
01:05:29,847 --> 01:05:32,349
And being so happy.
1089
01:05:35,227 --> 01:05:38,272
Before I got cancer,
if somebody mis-pronouned me,
1090
01:05:38,355 --> 01:05:40,482
I would come out of my skin.
1091
01:05:40,566 --> 01:05:45,779
Like, I felt so reactive to other people's
perceptions of my gender.
1092
01:05:48,240 --> 01:05:50,617
But after I was diagnosed,
1093
01:05:50,701 --> 01:05:53,829
I almost went from a place of feeling
so much gender
1094
01:05:53,912 --> 01:05:55,747
to feeling genderless.
1095
01:05:57,249 --> 01:06:00,169
I don't know myself by my gender anymore.
1096
01:06:01,170 --> 01:06:04,506
It's almost like your identity itself
sort of drips off of you.
1097
01:06:04,590 --> 01:06:06,049
Like, just falls off.
1098
01:06:07,301 --> 01:06:09,678
I feel more in touch
with the part of myself
1099
01:06:09,761 --> 01:06:11,680
that is eternal.
1100
01:06:13,557 --> 01:06:17,728
Because I can't take my gender
with me to the other side.
1101
01:06:19,813 --> 01:06:22,900
I no longer have any reactions
to people mis-pronouning me.
1102
01:06:23,734 --> 01:06:26,236
Like, I don't have... I don't...
1103
01:06:27,321 --> 01:06:30,240
I just feel like me.
1104
01:06:31,700 --> 01:06:34,745
And I can still get upset
about gender stuff,
1105
01:06:34,828 --> 01:06:39,625
but it's watching what my non-binary
or trans friends are experiencing.
1106
01:06:40,125 --> 01:06:43,378
And so it's sensitive to talk about this,
1107
01:06:43,462 --> 01:06:45,464
because I wouldn't ever want
anybody to feel
1108
01:06:45,547 --> 01:06:47,466
like there was something wrong with them,
1109
01:06:47,549 --> 01:06:50,552
if it was really painful to be
mis-pronouned or something.
1110
01:06:50,636 --> 01:06:56,183
I very much have compassion for that.
It's just not what I experience anymore.
1111
01:07:03,357 --> 01:07:06,652
The sea, the sea, the sing,
the win, the win, the wind.
1112
01:07:06,735 --> 01:07:09,321
I'm trying to get the sound of the poem,
1113
01:07:09,404 --> 01:07:11,073
but it's not words.
1114
01:07:11,573 --> 01:07:13,367
Are you making sounds to get rhythm?
1115
01:07:14,785 --> 01:07:17,913
To feel how the poem should sound.
1116
01:07:18,705 --> 01:07:21,542
And then find words
that fit into the sound.
1117
01:07:24,670 --> 01:07:28,757
It's been hard for me to lose my voice
because of this new treatment.
1118
01:07:29,842 --> 01:07:33,595
So it was like, okay,
maybe we should change courses
1119
01:07:33,679 --> 01:07:35,013
and just stop doing it.
1120
01:07:36,098 --> 01:07:38,809
But I decided to do another infusion,
1121
01:07:38,892 --> 01:07:41,937
even if I lost my voice forever.
1122
01:07:42,938 --> 01:07:46,567
And wildly, as soon as I accepted it
1123
01:07:46,650 --> 01:07:49,152
and I'm like,
"Okay, I'm not gonna have a voice"...
1124
01:07:50,487 --> 01:07:53,448
I woke up the next day and I could speak.
1125
01:07:55,117 --> 01:07:56,660
It was crazy!
1126
01:07:59,496 --> 01:08:02,791
And so tomorrow I have a chemo infusion.
1127
01:08:04,168 --> 01:08:07,045
I just really hope
this treatment's working,
1128
01:08:08,088 --> 01:08:10,924
because I'm still wanting the show.
1129
01:08:11,008 --> 01:08:13,594
The show would be a celebration of life.
1130
01:08:14,636 --> 01:08:17,723
And I'm thinking it would be
the last show that I'll do.
1131
01:08:18,640 --> 01:08:20,350
But I hope that's not the case.
1132
01:08:21,059 --> 01:08:25,147
And so I'm doing every single thing I can
for my health.
1133
01:08:26,523 --> 01:08:29,484
There is this thing
that basketball players do where,
1134
01:08:29,568 --> 01:08:34,907
if you're practicing, you can't leave
the court unless you've ended on a make.
1135
01:08:35,448 --> 01:08:36,867
And so...
1136
01:08:38,076 --> 01:08:41,662
I've been thinking about this time
that might be the end of my life, as...
1137
01:08:42,288 --> 01:08:44,082
ending on a make.
1138
01:08:46,792 --> 01:08:51,423
But I need to find out
how much my cancer is growing,
1139
01:08:51,506 --> 01:08:54,885
if it would make it impossible
for me to do the show.
1140
01:09:01,225 --> 01:09:03,352
My back hurts driving right now.
1141
01:09:04,770 --> 01:09:07,022
My bone down there is really hurting.
1142
01:09:07,814 --> 01:09:11,734
Which is one of the questions they always
ask because it could be cancer.
1143
01:09:12,778 --> 01:09:14,112
I'm really emotional.
1144
01:09:15,029 --> 01:09:16,990
Why, because I was hurting?
1145
01:09:19,117 --> 01:09:20,743
You got scared.
1146
01:09:20,827 --> 01:09:21,662
You're scared?
1147
01:09:21,745 --> 01:09:23,121
You were scared.
1148
01:09:35,091 --> 01:09:39,011
This is the exact room
that they told us it was incurable in.
1149
01:09:46,520 --> 01:09:49,523
You're really making me
anxious because of--
1150
01:09:49,606 --> 01:09:51,524
you're so different today.
1151
01:09:51,608 --> 01:09:53,402
But you get to feel
whatever you gotta feel,
1152
01:09:53,484 --> 01:09:55,779
but I'm not used to you being like this.
1153
01:09:55,863 --> 01:09:58,198
It's making me think
there's maybe something I don't know
1154
01:09:58,282 --> 01:09:59,241
that you know.
1155
01:09:59,324 --> 01:10:00,242
No.
1156
01:10:00,325 --> 01:10:02,536
- Do you know something?
- No!
1157
01:10:03,871 --> 01:10:05,706
Like intuitively, though?
1158
01:10:05,789 --> 01:10:08,500
No, not at all.
I don't know anything intuitively.
1159
01:10:08,584 --> 01:10:09,835
I think it's just...
1160
01:10:11,003 --> 01:10:16,091
hitting me that, like,
you can't just, like, have a back injury.
1161
01:10:26,810 --> 01:10:29,271
I'm feeling this pain today
where I'm like,
1162
01:10:29,688 --> 01:10:32,482
"That sort of feels like a pain
when cancer is growing."
1163
01:10:34,401 --> 01:10:38,614
I wouldn't have known this was how
cancer looks in someone's life.
1164
01:10:39,948 --> 01:10:42,326
Like, every month, you find out,
1165
01:10:42,409 --> 01:10:44,578
like, I'm living, I'm dying,
I'm living, I'm dying,
1166
01:10:44,661 --> 01:10:45,787
I'm living, I'm dying.
1167
01:10:47,039 --> 01:10:51,418
It's sort of a terrible lottery
every three weeks.
1168
01:10:53,253 --> 01:10:56,965
And I think sometimes I don't even realize
1169
01:10:57,049 --> 01:10:58,550
the weight of holding it all.
1170
01:11:01,470 --> 01:11:04,223
You're all done. I'm gonna let you go.
1171
01:11:08,519 --> 01:11:11,355
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you very much.
1172
01:11:31,625 --> 01:11:34,962
I have that
elephant-sitting-on-my-chest feeling.
1173
01:11:37,923 --> 01:11:40,133
I can hardly get any air in my lung.
1174
01:11:40,217 --> 01:11:41,718
Okay.
1175
01:11:41,802 --> 01:11:43,971
I need to open the email.
1176
01:11:44,054 --> 01:11:48,267
Like I keep looking at the clock and
seeing my mom goes to bed at 7.
1177
01:11:51,770 --> 01:11:55,566
Do you mind if I open my thing in here,
my number?
1178
01:11:55,649 --> 01:11:58,235
Maybe not when we're driving.
1179
01:11:58,318 --> 01:12:00,153
We're home in 22 minutes.
1180
01:12:00,237 --> 01:12:01,780
Okay.
1181
01:12:11,123 --> 01:12:14,001
I'm just gonna go in and
read the number, baby.
1182
01:12:32,102 --> 01:12:33,645
It's a ten.
1183
01:12:36,607 --> 01:12:38,066
Is that right?
1184
01:12:39,026 --> 01:12:40,611
Is that right, baby?
1185
01:12:42,779 --> 01:12:44,615
Is that right?
1186
01:12:46,200 --> 01:12:47,826
Is it right?
1187
01:12:54,583 --> 01:12:56,710
Oh my God.
1188
01:13:08,263 --> 01:13:10,265
I gotta call my mom.
1189
01:13:13,101 --> 01:13:15,812
How is it a ten? How is it a ten?
1190
01:13:16,355 --> 01:13:17,564
How?
1191
01:13:18,607 --> 01:13:21,151
I wanna call everybody.
1192
01:13:21,985 --> 01:13:24,404
- Are you sure I read it right?
- Yeah!
1193
01:13:24,988 --> 01:13:26,907
- You're sure?
- Yeah.
1194
01:13:26,990 --> 01:13:28,200
Hi.
1195
01:13:28,283 --> 01:13:30,369
Mom, my bloodwork went all the way...
1196
01:13:30,452 --> 01:13:33,539
My CA-125 went all the way back down
to a ten,
1197
01:13:33,622 --> 01:13:36,792
and all of my immune markers
are so much better.
1198
01:13:36,875 --> 01:13:40,045
- I'm so happy. I'm so happy.
- Yeah?
1199
01:13:40,921 --> 01:13:42,923
That's so good! I've been wondering.
1200
01:13:43,006 --> 01:13:46,426
I've been sitting here worrying
'cause I didn't hear from you.
1201
01:13:46,510 --> 01:13:49,137
What was the reading? I didn't hear.
1202
01:13:49,221 --> 01:13:52,891
It was a ten, and the last time,
it was a 21.
1203
01:13:52,975 --> 01:13:55,352
- Oh geez!
- That's great.
1204
01:13:55,435 --> 01:13:57,604
Okay, you guys. I love you.
1205
01:13:57,688 --> 01:13:58,814
I love you!
1206
01:13:58,897 --> 01:14:02,860
We just got Andrea's bloodwork back, and
their cancer marker went all the way down.
1207
01:14:07,614 --> 01:14:08,615
Yes!
1208
01:14:08,699 --> 01:14:11,660
I'm gonna go have a glass of wine
and celebrate.
1209
01:14:11,743 --> 01:14:15,706
Do it, Gay! I'm gonna drink
some medical marijuana.
1210
01:14:16,665 --> 01:14:20,085
We could go in in three weeks
and it could be growing or something,
1211
01:14:20,169 --> 01:14:22,588
but these three weeks right now,
1212
01:14:22,671 --> 01:14:24,882
I have these three weeks.
1213
01:14:24,965 --> 01:14:28,051
And it feels like so much
to have three weeks.
1214
01:14:29,595 --> 01:14:30,971
I'm so happy.
1215
01:14:31,388 --> 01:14:34,057
I'm just gonna let myself be happy.
1216
01:14:36,602 --> 01:14:38,729
I could do a show, man.
1217
01:14:38,812 --> 01:14:42,107
This is so... I can't believe this.
1218
01:14:51,950 --> 01:14:53,952
- Hi.
- Hi, Bone.
1219
01:14:54,369 --> 01:14:57,164
- How are you feeling?
- Feeling pretty good.
1220
01:14:57,623 --> 01:15:00,209
Dealing with my excitement
because of the show.
1221
01:15:00,751 --> 01:15:05,964
One of the dates
we're looking at is the end of May.
1222
01:15:06,048 --> 01:15:08,675
And looking at your health schedule,
1223
01:15:08,759 --> 01:15:11,803
I wanna make sure
we're giving you enough space for that.
1224
01:15:11,887 --> 01:15:15,474
So do you feel comfortable if that's one
of the dates we inquire about?
1225
01:15:15,557 --> 01:15:17,935
I mean the only thing
that comes up for me
1226
01:15:18,018 --> 01:15:21,355
is the further we push it out,
I keep thinking, "Will I be alive?
1227
01:15:21,438 --> 01:15:23,440
Will I be healthy enough?"
1228
01:15:23,524 --> 01:15:24,733
Okay.
1229
01:15:24,816 --> 01:15:28,153
But, hey,
why don't we just root for the...
1230
01:15:28,862 --> 01:15:31,490
possibility of me being alive...
1231
01:15:34,868 --> 01:15:39,206
And if I'm not,
I will not feel bad about not being there.
1232
01:15:40,916 --> 01:15:42,042
I will...
1233
01:15:43,335 --> 01:15:45,337
- be in some...
- Hologram Gibby!
1234
01:15:45,420 --> 01:15:48,423
- ...more beautiful theater.
- You will be alive.
1235
01:15:48,507 --> 01:15:51,218
I'll be in a theater in the clouds.
1236
01:15:52,511 --> 01:15:56,181
"Sweet community,
I have cherished these years.
1237
01:15:56,265 --> 01:15:59,977
I have cherished my quiet time,
my writing time, my home time,
1238
01:16:00,060 --> 01:16:02,145
but I'm a spoken word artist at heart,
1239
01:16:02,229 --> 01:16:04,648
and I miss live shows so much.
1240
01:16:04,731 --> 01:16:08,235
So the news I'm about to share
is incredibly exciting for me.
1241
01:16:08,318 --> 01:16:10,904
I'll be performing
at the Paramount Theater in Denver,
1242
01:16:10,988 --> 01:16:14,324
reading poems and sharing stories
about what I'm for.
1243
01:16:14,408 --> 01:16:16,618
There will be a special guest
also performing.
1244
01:16:16,702 --> 01:16:19,705
The pre-sale code is 'goosebumps.'"
1245
01:16:30,340 --> 01:16:32,134
Stop, Ryan!
1246
01:16:34,845 --> 01:16:37,556
- Gib!
- Meg, it broke!
1247
01:16:37,639 --> 01:16:39,474
How did you break it?
1248
01:16:39,558 --> 01:16:42,477
I just opened it.
Like, I did nothing wrong.
1249
01:16:43,604 --> 01:16:45,439
I can't believe that shit.
1250
01:16:49,484 --> 01:16:52,446
God, it seems like
you're very serious right now.
1251
01:16:52,529 --> 01:16:56,116
It seems like you're gonna talk about
cancer or something. Jesus!
1252
01:16:57,284 --> 01:17:00,329
If you could kind of recap
what the concerns are.
1253
01:17:00,412 --> 01:17:02,664
Yeah, I think I'm about to have
a hot flash.
1254
01:17:02,748 --> 01:17:05,000
Let me see if I can talk
through the hot flash.
1255
01:17:05,626 --> 01:17:07,836
So one of the concerns is
1256
01:17:07,920 --> 01:17:10,881
that I won't be able to speak my poems
through a hot flash.
1257
01:17:11,507 --> 01:17:14,051
So the thing that I'm most afraid of is
1258
01:17:14,134 --> 01:17:16,512
the ways that the treatments I'm doing
1259
01:17:16,595 --> 01:17:20,307
will impact my capacity
to perform on stage.
1260
01:17:21,934 --> 01:17:23,685
Meg, my voice is going.
1261
01:17:24,436 --> 01:17:25,521
Good.
1262
01:17:25,604 --> 01:17:28,357
Good. That's our new motto.
1263
01:17:28,440 --> 01:17:31,401
Try fucking with us, life! Good.
Take my voice.
1264
01:17:31,485 --> 01:17:34,571
You think I can't do the show
without a voice? You're wrong.
1265
01:17:35,572 --> 01:17:39,743
You know, it's three years
of chemotherapy, which impacts my vision
1266
01:17:39,826 --> 01:17:43,747
and my memory, so I don't know if I'll be
able to remember any of my poems,
1267
01:17:43,830 --> 01:17:46,959
which would kind of be okay maybe
if I could do a monitor,
1268
01:17:47,042 --> 01:17:48,961
but I won't be able to see the monitor.
1269
01:17:49,044 --> 01:17:50,128
So, there...
1270
01:17:51,672 --> 01:17:55,884
What I need to do is I have to start
memorizing my poems again.
1271
01:17:55,968 --> 01:17:59,429
As a kid, I thought 100
was the biggest number there was.
1272
01:17:59,513 --> 01:18:03,475
My mother absolutely blew my mind
the day she said one hundred and one.
1273
01:18:03,559 --> 01:18:05,561
One hundred and what?
1274
01:18:05,644 --> 01:18:09,064
Twenty years old
when I believed sex had to involve a dude
1275
01:18:09,147 --> 01:18:10,774
and the word "screw."
1276
01:18:10,858 --> 01:18:14,278
How could I not wanna see her clearly
as she pole dances on the tractor
1277
01:18:14,361 --> 01:18:16,321
and mows our lawn in a bikini?
1278
01:18:16,405 --> 01:18:18,657
Seventeen slow steps to the mic.
1279
01:18:18,740 --> 01:18:21,243
She took a breath before speaking.
1280
01:18:21,326 --> 01:18:24,997
And I am so far from ready
for Cupid, that naked little shit
1281
01:18:25,080 --> 01:18:27,124
to fire anything sharp my way.
1282
01:18:27,207 --> 01:18:29,710
So far from ready
to be the kind of unhinged
1283
01:18:29,793 --> 01:18:31,211
only love makes me.
1284
01:18:31,295 --> 01:18:34,047
What if you are the love of your life?
1285
01:18:34,131 --> 01:18:37,301
I think, "Oh my God,
I hope that's not true.
1286
01:18:37,384 --> 01:18:40,095
Because I am absolutely not my type."
1287
01:18:40,179 --> 01:18:43,432
I can't believe you know that.
That's crazy!
1288
01:18:46,560 --> 01:18:50,022
I'm trying to decide whether or not
I'm gonna put...
1289
01:18:50,898 --> 01:18:54,526
'Cause so many people come to my shows
who struggle with suicide and...
1290
01:18:55,527 --> 01:18:59,990
But I've not been there,
so I'm trying to figure out how to...
1291
01:19:00,073 --> 01:19:03,994
speak and write about it without saying
that I'm there right now.
1292
01:19:04,077 --> 01:19:07,706
It's such a weird thing to have, like,
lived so much of my life
1293
01:19:07,789 --> 01:19:11,376
with the feeling of wanting to die,
and then not now.
1294
01:19:16,048 --> 01:19:18,967
I was a cutter in my early twenties.
1295
01:19:19,551 --> 01:19:21,011
I was so depressed.
1296
01:19:21,887 --> 01:19:25,057
And I woke up one day and I was just done.
1297
01:19:25,140 --> 01:19:27,351
And I ran into the kitchen
1298
01:19:27,434 --> 01:19:31,021
and I just grabbed
this really, really sharp kitchen knife
1299
01:19:31,104 --> 01:19:33,607
and I just... I was like,
I can't look while I do it.
1300
01:19:33,690 --> 01:19:35,776
It just has to be over.
And I went like this...
1301
01:19:39,196 --> 01:19:41,240
Holy shit, this is hard to talk about.
1302
01:19:42,950 --> 01:19:44,826
I was bleeding so much.
1303
01:19:45,744 --> 01:19:48,288
I was half a centimeter from an artery.
1304
01:19:48,997 --> 01:19:50,999
I just simply would've been dead.
1305
01:19:52,501 --> 01:19:54,086
But until that moment,
1306
01:19:54,169 --> 01:19:58,715
I don't know if I had necessarily
conceived of suicide as a possibility,
1307
01:19:58,799 --> 01:20:01,635
and after that, I just sort of always did.
1308
01:20:02,928 --> 01:20:05,180
But when I was diagnosed with cancer,
1309
01:20:05,264 --> 01:20:07,641
I remember right when I woke up
from surgery,
1310
01:20:07,724 --> 01:20:09,810
I woke up not depressed.
1311
01:20:10,477 --> 01:20:11,728
I woke up...
1312
01:20:14,648 --> 01:20:17,025
just sort of in a state of cherishing.
1313
01:20:19,570 --> 01:20:22,197
I suddenly felt like
it was okay if I died.
1314
01:20:25,325 --> 01:20:27,369
But it would never be my doing.
1315
01:20:33,208 --> 01:20:36,086
{\an8}I can't believe we're going to
a venue today.
1316
01:20:36,170 --> 01:20:37,588
{\an8}- I really can't.
- A big venue.
1317
01:20:37,671 --> 01:20:39,965
I don't even know, like,
what it's like to do that.
1318
01:20:45,095 --> 01:20:46,138
All right.
1319
01:20:49,725 --> 01:20:51,268
Holy shit!
1320
01:20:52,477 --> 01:20:53,937
Holy shit!
1321
01:20:54,855 --> 01:20:57,482
Have a good time. Enjoy the show.
Hi! How are you?
1322
01:20:58,233 --> 01:21:00,444
{\an8}Welcome. Enjoy the show.
1323
01:21:11,538 --> 01:21:13,123
Hi, Tig.
1324
01:21:13,832 --> 01:21:18,003
It's exciting. I mean, the whole world
is waiting for tonight!
1325
01:21:19,671 --> 01:21:22,090
That's what it feels like.
People are psyched.
1326
01:21:22,174 --> 01:21:25,719
- I wanna peek at that audience.
- Nobody's here yet.
1327
01:21:30,015 --> 01:21:32,226
- But I'll take that bullet.
- Okay.
1328
01:21:35,687 --> 01:21:38,106
All right. Let me just go feel it out.
1329
01:21:41,276 --> 01:21:44,947
Let me just see if I can walk up these
stairs without having a panic attack.
1330
01:21:53,789 --> 01:21:55,499
There are people in there.
1331
01:21:57,918 --> 01:22:01,463
Thank you so much! My name is Tig.
1332
01:22:01,547 --> 01:22:02,965
And...
1333
01:22:04,174 --> 01:22:06,218
How am I even gonna breathe?
1334
01:22:26,989 --> 01:22:29,324
I wanna look like
I have color in my face,
1335
01:22:29,408 --> 01:22:31,034
so people don't worry about me.
1336
01:22:31,118 --> 01:22:33,412
I wanna walk out there
as the pillar of health.
1337
01:22:46,592 --> 01:22:48,552
Oh my goodness.
1338
01:22:48,635 --> 01:22:50,470
I can't believe this is happening.
1339
01:22:53,348 --> 01:22:55,058
I can't believe this is happening.
1340
01:22:55,142 --> 01:22:58,562
Baby, you know
how I'm never afraid of my feelings?
1341
01:22:59,354 --> 01:23:01,857
I'm afraid of the amount
that I have right now.
1342
01:23:03,108 --> 01:23:05,277
Okay, well, you know what?
1343
01:23:05,360 --> 01:23:07,905
Everyone is here to support you
and love you.
1344
01:23:07,988 --> 01:23:09,281
Me, the most.
1345
01:23:17,164 --> 01:23:18,248
Come in.
1346
01:23:19,625 --> 01:23:20,792
Five minutes, please.
1347
01:23:20,876 --> 01:23:23,962
- Five minutes, please. Bye-bye!
- Okay, thank you.
1348
01:23:24,546 --> 01:23:26,131
You better be lightning.
1349
01:23:26,882 --> 01:23:30,594
That moment
when somebody says that, is so intense.
1350
01:23:32,804 --> 01:23:33,931
Five minutes.
1351
01:23:34,723 --> 01:23:36,141
Five minutes, Andrea.
1352
01:23:37,809 --> 01:23:42,814
All of these lines across my face
1353
01:23:42,898 --> 01:23:47,819
Tell you the story of who I am
1354
01:23:47,903 --> 01:23:52,324
So many stories of where I've been
1355
01:23:53,200 --> 01:23:57,204
And how I got to where I am
1356
01:23:58,830 --> 01:24:04,253
But these stories don't mean anything
1357
01:24:04,962 --> 01:24:06,630
Okay.
1358
01:24:06,713 --> 01:24:10,968
To tell them to, it's true
1359
01:24:13,178 --> 01:24:16,056
I was made for you
1360
01:24:18,934 --> 01:24:23,772
I climbed across the mountaintops
1361
01:24:23,856 --> 01:24:28,819
Swam all across the ocean blue
1362
01:24:28,902 --> 01:24:33,740
I crossed all the lines
And I broke all the rules
1363
01:24:33,824 --> 01:24:39,037
But baby, I broke them all for you
1364
01:24:39,121 --> 01:24:44,710
Oh, because even when I was flat broke
1365
01:24:45,669 --> 01:24:52,259
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
1366
01:24:53,427 --> 01:24:58,015
I was made for you
1367
01:25:21,747 --> 01:25:23,707
I cannot believe I'm up here.
1368
01:25:24,791 --> 01:25:25,918
Thank you.
1369
01:25:26,585 --> 01:25:28,378
Thank you so much for being here.
1370
01:25:29,129 --> 01:25:32,591
When I was doing my first rounds
of chemotherapy,
1371
01:25:32,674 --> 01:25:35,886
I lost almost all the hair on my body.
1372
01:25:35,969 --> 01:25:40,390
Like, my proudly feminist leg hair
had marched to the floor.
1373
01:25:40,807 --> 01:25:42,601
I got my first Brazilian wax
1374
01:25:42,684 --> 01:25:44,728
using absolutely no wax.
1375
01:25:45,604 --> 01:25:49,900
But my eyebrows were still going strong,
you know?
1376
01:25:50,400 --> 01:25:54,863
Two bushy caterpillars
refusing to butterfly off my face.
1377
01:25:55,405 --> 01:25:58,325
My mother called one morning and she said,
1378
01:25:58,408 --> 01:26:01,286
"Andrea, you will never believe
what happened.
1379
01:26:01,370 --> 01:26:05,874
Your father woke up with the entirety
of his right eyebrow missing."
1380
01:26:06,917 --> 01:26:09,211
And it has been three years,
three years, y'all,
1381
01:26:09,294 --> 01:26:13,507
and my father's eyebrow has not grown back
in this entire time.
1382
01:26:13,590 --> 01:26:18,136
And what I know is my dad
lost his eyebrow so I could keep mine.
1383
01:26:18,220 --> 01:26:20,806
And you don't have to believe in miracles
to believe in that.
1384
01:26:20,889 --> 01:26:23,308
You only have to believe in love.
1385
01:26:28,105 --> 01:26:30,566
I wasn't by any means a natural.
1386
01:26:30,649 --> 01:26:33,652
{\an8}Was not one of those wow-hounds
born jaw-dropped.
1387
01:26:33,735 --> 01:26:35,362
{\an8}I was tough in the husk.
1388
01:26:35,445 --> 01:26:37,823
{\an8}Spent years untouched by rain.
1389
01:26:37,906 --> 01:26:39,867
Took shelter seriously.
1390
01:26:39,950 --> 01:26:41,952
Of course, beauty hunted me.
1391
01:26:42,035 --> 01:26:43,453
It hunts everyone.
1392
01:26:43,537 --> 01:26:45,080
But I outran it.
1393
01:26:45,163 --> 01:26:49,168
Hid in worry, regret,
the promise of an afterlife
1394
01:26:49,251 --> 01:26:50,711
or a week's end.
1395
01:26:51,712 --> 01:26:53,005
Then one day,
1396
01:26:53,088 --> 01:26:55,674
in a red velvet theater in New Orleans,
1397
01:26:55,757 --> 01:26:58,510
I watched Maya Angelou walk on stage.
1398
01:26:58,594 --> 01:27:00,929
Seventeen slow steps to the mic.
1399
01:27:01,013 --> 01:27:03,015
She took a breath before speaking.
1400
01:27:03,098 --> 01:27:06,268
I could hear God being born
in that breath.
1401
01:27:07,436 --> 01:27:09,646
I'd never felt anything like it.
1402
01:27:09,730 --> 01:27:13,984
Searched the encyclopedia
for the feeling's name when I got home:
1403
01:27:14,067 --> 01:27:15,194
"goosebumps."
1404
01:27:16,111 --> 01:27:19,072
Afterwards I thought,
"Well, I can do this."
1405
01:27:19,823 --> 01:27:21,909
Tore the caution tape off my life
1406
01:27:21,992 --> 01:27:23,911
and let everything touch it.
1407
01:27:24,411 --> 01:27:26,747
Caitlin Clark on the television
1408
01:27:26,830 --> 01:27:29,291
in her third season with the Hawkeyes,
1409
01:27:29,374 --> 01:27:31,835
crossover sharp as a V of sparrows
1410
01:27:31,919 --> 01:27:34,838
flying through the paint
like Michelangelo's brush:
1411
01:27:34,922 --> 01:27:37,341
222 goosebumps.
1412
01:27:37,424 --> 01:27:42,304
My baby sister,
sober for the first time in 14 years,
1413
01:27:42,387 --> 01:27:46,225
calling to tell me she just noticed
our mother's eyes are green:
1414
01:27:46,308 --> 01:27:48,894
505 goosebumps.
1415
01:27:50,145 --> 01:27:53,190
At one point, everything started doing it:
1416
01:27:53,273 --> 01:27:56,818
a sincere apology, an enemy's love poem,
1417
01:27:56,902 --> 01:28:00,239
the moon rising
over the continental divide.
1418
01:28:01,031 --> 01:28:05,452
And suddenly,
nothing in the world was dying.
1419
01:28:05,536 --> 01:28:07,162
You ever felt that?
1420
01:28:07,246 --> 01:28:12,084
A split second
when nothing in the world is dying?
1421
01:28:13,460 --> 01:28:16,255
888 goosebumps.
1422
01:28:17,381 --> 01:28:21,093
Me in my home,
four months into chemotherapy,
1423
01:28:21,176 --> 01:28:25,055
watching all of my eyelashes
fall on my cheekbones
1424
01:28:25,138 --> 01:28:29,935
and realizing that was 400 wishes
I wouldn't have made otherwise.
1425
01:28:31,436 --> 01:28:34,314
There was no escaping the magic now.
1426
01:28:34,398 --> 01:28:37,150
Beauty caught me and never let me go.
1427
01:28:37,234 --> 01:28:39,987
And the thing about the world record is,
1428
01:28:40,070 --> 01:28:42,197
if someone breaks it after me,
1429
01:28:42,281 --> 01:28:44,950
oh, and they will break it after me,
1430
01:28:45,033 --> 01:28:47,327
I will love that so much
1431
01:28:47,411 --> 01:28:49,288
that without even trying,
1432
01:28:49,371 --> 01:28:51,331
I'll just break it again.
1433
01:29:00,465 --> 01:29:02,092
Yay, Gibby!
1434
01:29:06,054 --> 01:29:10,267
{\an8}My friend said, "Well,
what if you are the love of your life?"
1435
01:29:10,350 --> 01:29:13,770
{\an8}I thought,
"Oh, my God I hope that's not true,
1436
01:29:13,854 --> 01:29:16,940
'cause I am absolutely not my type."
1437
01:29:20,444 --> 01:29:21,945
{\an8}So at 12:31,
1438
01:29:22,029 --> 01:29:26,658
{\an8}when he decided not to,
when he decided to save his own life,
1439
01:29:26,742 --> 01:29:27,910
I did too.
1440
01:29:27,993 --> 01:29:32,873
My whole heart, my whole mind,
went home with living proof.
1441
01:29:33,916 --> 01:29:36,418
This next poem is for Meg, and,
1442
01:29:36,502 --> 01:29:37,711
what a...
1443
01:29:41,423 --> 01:29:44,635
{\an8}When I call cancer the Big C,
1444
01:29:44,718 --> 01:29:48,222
{\an8}she is the only one who knows
I mean the big ocean
1445
01:29:48,305 --> 01:29:51,391
where we met our own Titanic
and didn't sink.
1446
01:29:51,975 --> 01:29:53,810
And her heart was the door
1447
01:29:53,894 --> 01:29:56,688
that opened so wide it tore off the hinges
1448
01:29:56,772 --> 01:29:58,357
and kept me afloat,
1449
01:29:58,440 --> 01:30:00,734
even when I woke up from surgery
1450
01:30:00,817 --> 01:30:03,028
and had to ask her what they found.
1451
01:30:03,946 --> 01:30:07,115
Anyone who thinks poetry is frivolous
1452
01:30:07,199 --> 01:30:12,204
has never needed someone to tell them
something unspeakably hard,
1453
01:30:12,704 --> 01:30:13,705
beautifully.
1454
01:30:20,003 --> 01:30:22,464
Thank you, all of you,
for coming out to the show.
1455
01:30:22,548 --> 01:30:25,676
I cannot tell you
how much this means to me.
1456
01:30:26,093 --> 01:30:29,263
Thank you so much.
I hope you have a wonderful night.
1457
01:30:29,346 --> 01:30:31,765
I love you all, so, so much.
1458
01:30:38,021 --> 01:30:40,816
Thank you, really and truly,
from the bottom of my heart.
1459
01:30:40,899 --> 01:30:42,442
Thank you so much.
1460
01:30:51,159 --> 01:30:52,411
Thank you.
1461
01:31:05,340 --> 01:31:06,717
Oh my God!
1462
01:31:18,478 --> 01:31:19,980
I have no idea.
1463
01:31:24,067 --> 01:31:25,235
Oh my God.
1464
01:32:12,866 --> 01:32:15,494
Are you crying 'cause of love?
1465
01:32:15,577 --> 01:32:16,787
Yeah.
1466
01:32:23,627 --> 01:32:26,755
Baby, that was so good.
It was so good.
1467
01:32:58,495 --> 01:32:59,913
It was great.
1468
01:33:00,998 --> 01:33:03,625
I had so many feelings,
I felt like I was gonna...
1469
01:33:03,709 --> 01:33:07,045
I was a balloon filled up with feelings
and I was gonna burst.
1470
01:33:07,129 --> 01:33:10,507
I felt probably more vulnerable
than I'd ever felt in my life.
1471
01:33:11,925 --> 01:33:15,929
My cancer marker was as low as it had
ever been, the last time I was in there.
1472
01:33:17,055 --> 01:33:20,350
And so instead of going right in
for an infusion,
1473
01:33:20,434 --> 01:33:23,020
I said I wanted to do a scan first.
1474
01:33:23,937 --> 01:33:26,523
So now I'm just waiting for the results.
1475
01:33:35,199 --> 01:33:37,701
I was up the whole entire night
last night.
1476
01:33:37,784 --> 01:33:38,952
I was in a lot of pain.
1477
01:33:39,745 --> 01:33:43,874
It almost feels like my pelvic bone
is breaking in the back.
1478
01:33:43,957 --> 01:33:46,668
And then the scan results
came in on my phone
1479
01:33:46,752 --> 01:33:48,587
and I've not opened them yet.
1480
01:33:50,797 --> 01:33:54,218
This one feels particularly sensitive,
because I'm afraid to--
1481
01:33:54,301 --> 01:33:55,177
What was that?
1482
01:33:55,260 --> 01:33:56,803
- Right there.
- What?
1483
01:33:59,306 --> 01:34:00,891
That was really sweet.
1484
01:34:01,391 --> 01:34:03,769
I feel like it just came to help.
1485
01:34:05,395 --> 01:34:09,733
So we had two mourning doves in our yard
that we called The Lovebirds.
1486
01:34:10,234 --> 01:34:11,902
And they were here for months.
1487
01:34:11,985 --> 01:34:15,322
And so far, for a few weeks now,
1488
01:34:15,405 --> 01:34:17,741
there's only been one mourning dove.
1489
01:34:18,242 --> 01:34:20,118
That's the sound of the mourning dove.
1490
01:34:27,334 --> 01:34:28,877
And then I looked it up
1491
01:34:28,961 --> 01:34:33,757
and I got really sad, because it said
that mourning doves mate for life.
1492
01:34:34,341 --> 01:34:36,468
And then, if one dies...
1493
01:34:38,011 --> 01:34:42,266
then the mourning dove
will often spend up to a year grieving,
1494
01:34:42,349 --> 01:34:43,851
looking for...
1495
01:34:44,601 --> 01:34:45,936
her or his partner.
1496
01:34:46,979 --> 01:34:49,982
But what could happen right now
that would make me really happy
1497
01:34:50,065 --> 01:34:53,026
is if another mourning dove
would just come over there
1498
01:34:53,110 --> 01:34:54,695
and fix everything.
1499
01:34:58,907 --> 01:35:02,119
Maybe the other mourning dove
found a better-looking tree
1500
01:35:02,202 --> 01:35:03,787
and is like, "Come here."
1501
01:35:04,371 --> 01:35:05,706
'Cause that one is...
1502
01:35:09,084 --> 01:35:10,294
No.
1503
01:35:14,840 --> 01:35:17,634
I'd stay with you in a bad tree
over a good tree.
1504
01:35:21,054 --> 01:35:24,474
I'll just get the scan results,
and we can just open them out here.
1505
01:35:34,651 --> 01:35:36,028
I feel sick.
1506
01:35:36,904 --> 01:35:37,821
Me too.
1507
01:35:43,118 --> 01:35:44,870
Yeah, it's everywhere.
1508
01:35:47,247 --> 01:35:49,416
- Can I read what it says, baby?
- Hold up.
1509
01:35:49,499 --> 01:35:51,418
Just give me a minute with it, okay?
1510
01:36:05,140 --> 01:36:08,268
"Uptake with Level 2 cervical lymph...
1511
01:36:08,352 --> 01:36:11,730
nodes bilaterally
of uncertain significance.
1512
01:36:12,606 --> 01:36:15,484
Interval progression of metastatic disease
1513
01:36:15,567 --> 01:36:18,862
in the chest, abdomen and pelvis."
1514
01:36:23,242 --> 01:36:24,993
So that must be what I'm feeling.
1515
01:36:29,248 --> 01:36:30,624
It's everywhere.
1516
01:36:41,593 --> 01:36:44,263
It's scary that there's one in my abdomen.
1517
01:36:58,777 --> 01:37:00,696
I think that, just when I get the news,
1518
01:37:00,779 --> 01:37:03,490
then I'm sort of back
just in the present moment.
1519
01:37:04,908 --> 01:37:07,119
Which is just a lot easier.
1520
01:37:13,667 --> 01:37:15,669
I love that for you!
1521
01:37:24,011 --> 01:37:27,306
I like to be in my hopeful little moments.
1522
01:37:28,307 --> 01:37:30,100
But I am still hopeful.
1523
01:37:30,184 --> 01:37:31,560
You are?
1524
01:37:39,610 --> 01:37:42,738
Fuck! I really didn't want there to be
cancer all through my body.
1525
01:37:44,031 --> 01:37:46,325
I really, really didn't.
1526
01:38:13,977 --> 01:38:17,272
I think when I got this last news,
1527
01:38:17,356 --> 01:38:18,649
I thought
1528
01:38:18,732 --> 01:38:22,152
"I'm dying from this,
and I'm dying from this pretty soon."
1529
01:38:28,116 --> 01:38:31,161
I knew if I went on a ride with Meg,
1530
01:38:32,037 --> 01:38:37,251
and I said, like, "This ride
is an intentional ride to see if I can...
1531
01:38:38,710 --> 01:38:41,380
surrender to my life
1532
01:38:41,463 --> 01:38:44,591
in a way that, like, sort of
thrusts me back into joy."
1533
01:38:46,677 --> 01:38:49,137
So we went on a ride, and...
1534
01:38:50,389 --> 01:38:52,057
And I just take it in.
1535
01:38:58,856 --> 01:39:01,817
Suddenly, all the heaviness
just fell off me.
1536
01:39:03,610 --> 01:39:06,196
It was like the whole world changed color.
1537
01:39:10,242 --> 01:39:13,412
I remember thinking,
in the beginning, like,
1538
01:39:13,495 --> 01:39:14,955
two years to live.
1539
01:39:17,457 --> 01:39:19,376
I thought, "That's so little."
1540
01:39:20,460 --> 01:39:23,046
And now... I feel like...
1541
01:39:23,922 --> 01:39:26,300
"Holy shit, that's so much."
1542
01:39:27,009 --> 01:39:28,760
A second is so much.
1543
01:39:29,303 --> 01:39:32,681
A minute here sitting
looking at Meg's face is so much.
1544
01:39:32,764 --> 01:39:34,641
I get two years of it?
1545
01:39:37,603 --> 01:39:40,105
I feel like I lived so much longer
1546
01:39:40,189 --> 01:39:42,691
in these last years
than I did all the years before.
1547
01:39:46,653 --> 01:39:48,655
It was just this fucking... wow!
1548
01:39:51,408 --> 01:39:52,326
I...
1549
01:39:54,786 --> 01:39:56,705
Wow, I got this life.
1550
01:39:57,873 --> 01:39:58,790
And...
1551
01:40:00,083 --> 01:40:03,337
I know I'm not gonna die today.
Like, I feel pretty certain.
1552
01:40:04,213 --> 01:40:05,422
So, wow, I...
1553
01:40:05,506 --> 01:40:07,299
like, wow, I get tomorrow too.
1554
01:40:10,344 --> 01:40:12,596
So, what happens next?
1555
01:40:14,264 --> 01:40:15,432
I don't know.
1556
01:40:16,808 --> 01:40:19,394
I want to live in the mystery, you know?
1557
01:40:24,233 --> 01:40:25,275
I want...
1558
01:40:26,193 --> 01:40:28,612
my very last second to be like...
1559
01:40:30,197 --> 01:40:32,449
"Damn, I wish I had
a million more of these."
1560
01:41:19,872 --> 01:41:22,249
Give me the light years
1561
01:41:23,917 --> 01:41:26,503
But I want the dark ones too
1562
01:41:28,213 --> 01:41:32,509
Grief is the singer in my band
She's a passenger van
1563
01:41:32,593 --> 01:41:35,846
And a shortcut straight to the truth
1564
01:41:36,388 --> 01:41:39,349
Learn from the nightshades
1565
01:41:40,309 --> 01:41:43,854
They grow in the darkest places
1566
01:41:44,313 --> 01:41:48,859
Had we not been stung so many times
Would we ever have arrived
1567
01:41:48,942 --> 01:41:53,197
{\an8}At this heaven on Earth
That I don't wanna waste?
1568
01:41:53,822 --> 01:41:56,033
{\an8}Pick a lucky penny up
1569
01:41:57,618 --> 01:42:01,121
{\an8}And I'll marry you
For your money, love
1570
01:42:01,205 --> 01:42:05,459
So keep the Novocain
Out of my wisdom teeth
1571
01:42:05,542 --> 01:42:07,669
Wanna feel it all
1572
01:42:07,753 --> 01:42:10,756
Salt then sour then sweet
1573
01:42:10,839 --> 01:42:15,928
Want to kiss you and write love's name
On my crumbling walls
1574
01:42:16,011 --> 01:42:19,723
Lay them at your feet
1575
01:42:20,182 --> 01:42:23,602
With the rest of me
1576
01:42:24,311 --> 01:42:26,438
Salt then sour
1577
01:42:26,897 --> 01:42:31,485
Then sweet
1578
01:42:33,779 --> 01:42:36,281
Come to the porch, love
1579
01:42:37,533 --> 01:42:41,328
Look up at the perfect sky
1580
01:42:41,995 --> 01:42:46,291
Holding the sun and the moon
And the thunder in June
1581
01:42:46,375 --> 01:42:50,212
While it teaches the birds
And the rain how to fly
1582
01:42:50,295 --> 01:42:52,506
I don't need perfect
1583
01:42:53,549 --> 01:42:58,303
No, I just want to touch the truth
1584
01:42:58,387 --> 01:43:02,766
I want to cherish the trying
And the living and the dying
1585
01:43:02,850 --> 01:43:06,770
And make big mistakes
The way kind people do
1586
01:43:07,646 --> 01:43:10,148
Pick a lucky penny up
1587
01:43:10,983 --> 01:43:14,361
And I'll marry you
For your money, love
1588
01:43:15,070 --> 01:43:19,283
So keep the Novocain
Out of my wisdom teeth
1589
01:43:19,366 --> 01:43:21,743
Wanna feel it all
1590
01:43:21,827 --> 01:43:24,538
Salt then sour then sweet
1591
01:43:24,621 --> 01:43:29,751
Want to kiss you and write love's name
On my crumbling walls
1592
01:43:29,835 --> 01:43:33,547
Lay them at your feet
1593
01:43:34,047 --> 01:43:37,467
With the rest of me
1594
01:43:38,635 --> 01:43:42,598
- Nothing more I need
- Nothing more I need
1595
01:43:42,681 --> 01:43:46,518
- Life is love I bleed
- Life is love I bleed
1596
01:43:46,602 --> 01:43:48,478
Salt then sour
1597
01:43:49,938 --> 01:43:54,943
Then sweet
1598
01:43:57,070 --> 01:43:59,573
So sweet
1599
01:43:59,656 --> 01:44:04,077
So sweet
1600
01:44:04,161 --> 01:44:08,832
So sweet
1601
01:44:08,916 --> 01:44:12,419
Life is love I bleed
1602
01:44:12,503 --> 01:44:16,673
- So sweet
- So sweet
1603
01:44:20,177 --> 01:44:23,180
So sweet.