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Downloaded from
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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-Hey, Conan!
-Hey. How are you?

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Ladies and gentlemen,

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welcome to a new era
of The Kennedy Center,

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a Kennedy Center
that celebrates true American values.

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This vaunted stage
will now showcase distinguished, elegant,

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and revered entertainment
that we as a nation can be proud of.

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Good evening,

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and welcome to The Kennedy Center.

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Thank you all for coming,
and shame on you for being here!

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That should cover it, yes?

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And now, ladies and gentlemen…

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…please welcome your 26th winner

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of the Mark Twain Prize winner,

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Conan O'Donnell!

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O'Brien.

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-O'Brien. Yes.
-Hey!

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-Conan!
-Thank you.

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Thank you very much!

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This is so crazy.

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Oh yes!

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Oh yes!

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Thank you very much.

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How would your co-workers describe you?

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I could say I'm fair, honest,
and endlessly creative.

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You're supposed to use one word or less.

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You look like a ginger crash test dummy.

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I wish I had your confidence.

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No, I'm just deluded.

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I'm fine.

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I guess I'm sort of the warm-up guy now.

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All right, freeze.

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You're under arrest
for public display of a bonah.

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You know, I fancy myself
a bit of a filmmaker.

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Hello, job?

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Television job?

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You better be as good as Letterman.

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I'll give it a shot.

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Here's your host, Conan O'Brien!

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Basic cable.

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Basic cable.

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Do you see the bits? This never stops.

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Ginger, no!

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In the year 2000

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My next guest is--

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The Interrupter!

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Heehaw!

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You're a bastard.

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Yes, I know.

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He goes into character

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when he doesn't want
to address reality sometimes.

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This is not true.

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You can't be on pills and drive.

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Thank you. Please remain seated.

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We did it! Yeah!

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Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.

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Yeah!

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Grab me a 40.

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And when you're getting him a "fotee,"
could you get me a 40?

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I will make fun!

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A stand-up comedian,

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an actor, and now a late-night host,

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he is a true single threat.

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Please welcome

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John Mulaney!

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Good evening. My name is John Mulaney.

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It's an honor to be here
at The Kennedy Center,

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or as it will be known next week,

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"The Roy Cohn Pavilion
for Big, Strong Men Who Love Cats."

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Congratulations

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to my friend Conan O'Brien

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on receiving the 26th

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and final Mark Twain Prize
for American Humor.

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When I heard Conan O'Brien
was receiving the 2025 Mark Twain Prize,

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I was reminded of something
that David Berkowitz, aka the Son of Sam,

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said when he was apprehended
on a hot Yonkers night in 1977.

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"Hey, what took you guys so long?"

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Most speeches like this
do a bunch of jokes,

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and they save the nice part for the end.

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I'm going to get it over with
and do the nice part first.

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Conan O'Brien, you're my hero.

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Because of you,

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I set about to be a comedy writer,

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who also somehow, despite all the data,
gets to be on TV.

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And because of you, I am.

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You showed me how a bizarre Catholic man,

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who presents well
but is deeply troubled on the inside…

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…could navigate
the entertainment industry.

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I have copied and stolen from you
in every way possible.

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Conan, I sincerely thank you.

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I…

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I was watching the night
Late Night with Conan O'Brien premiered,

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September 13, 1993,

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and I liked you so much,
so immediately, that little did I know

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that being your biggest fan for 32 years

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would be one of the most
emotionally taxing experiences of my life.

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Being a Conan fan since the early days
has been so stressful.

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There's always a goddamn petition to sign…

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…or some kind of protest to save him.

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It's like being the fan of a rec center
in a gentrified neighborhood

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that developers want to tear down.

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There's no argument for it,
but we're like,

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"Don't take it away from us!"

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Conan's early days were rocky,

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and at one point,
he was on a series of 13-week contracts,

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a fact I have known
since I was 12 years old.

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No 12-year-old
should walk around being like,

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"Oh my God, Conan's up for renewal."

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It's not stress a child should feel.

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Now, you think, maybe,
did you have any primer for this?

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I was a Cubs fan,

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so I knew how to root
for people that lose constantly,

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but……with Conan,
it was like being a Cubs fan,

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but you think the way they lost
was so brilliant that they won,

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and you're trying
to convince the scoreboard.

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It was like being a Cubs fan
if after each game,

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there was a serious discussion
as to whether or not the Cubs

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should be allowed to be a team anymore.

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But I was so happy to be on your team.

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I spent the next decade
trying to follow in your footsteps.

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In July 2008, I was at dinner with my mom,

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and I got a call that I'd been hired
to be a writer at Saturday Night Live.

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And I went back inside, and I told my mom,
and the waiter overheard me,

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and he said, "Do you know
that's how Conan O'Brien started?"

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And I said, "I've known that half my life,
you fucking moron."

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I was headed to Conan's old job,

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as his star continued to rise and rise.

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Then, 2010, Jesus Christ, once again,

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I gotta chain myself to the tree of Conan

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as the bulldozers closed in.

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But hey…

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enough about that time.

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Conan has been very clear that
he has moved on with wisdom and grace.

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Meanwhile, all his radicalized acolytes

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were just left wandering
around the country,

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jaded and paranoid
that the people paying us

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are actually our enemies. It's a mess.

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Conan was like, "Don't be cynical,"
and then collected a cool $50 million.

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You are the richest underdog in this town.

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Yeah, I know.

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Conan, you accomplished
something extraordinary.

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You've stayed on our screens,
brilliant, always from the drop,

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but adapting and innovating
and bobbing and weaving

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and figuring it out again and again.

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You did it. You won.

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I am reminded…

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…of a quote
that is often attributed to Mark Twain,

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though many claim it was first said
by the Son of Sam.

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Historians still debate its origins,
but either way, it's apt for tonight.

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So again, unclear who said this,
Mark Twain or the Son of Sam.

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"Dear Jimmy Breslin…"

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"This is the Son of Sam."

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"Don't think that because
you haven't heard from me for a while

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that I went to sleep. No."

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"Rather, I am still here,

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like a spirit roaming the night,

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thirsty, hungry,

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seldom stopping to rest,

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anxious to please Father Sam."

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"I love my work,
and now the void has been filled."

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"Yours in murder, Mr. Monster…

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…aka the Son of Sam."

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Thank you for letting me be here,
and congratulations, Conan.

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This next guest can make anything funny,

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except his last seven movies.

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Please welcome Will Ferrell!

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So, okay, uh…

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Look, I don't even know
how to get into this, um…

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Is Conan-- Is he even here tonight?
Do we know?

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Is-- No?

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Is he here? Any idea?

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Where? Where?

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Oh, okay.

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All right. All right.

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Uh…

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Look, my therapist told me
to not make tonight about myself,

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which I would generally agree with.

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Uh, this is such a special night, but…

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But I'm sorry, I just have to address
the elephant in the room, uh…

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So, for those of you
who might not know this about me,

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I received the Mark Twain Prize
for American Humor in 2011.

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No, no, no. Thank you.

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Thank you.

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It was a much more competitive field
back then.

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And-- But that's neither here nor there.

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And I was lucky enough
to have Conan O'Brien,

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the man sitting right over there,

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speak on my behalf, as I am doing now,

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and Conan gave some lovely remarks.

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After the show, Conan came up to me,
and he said, "Congratulations,"

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I was so deserving, and that, you know,

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I was one of the funniest people
he'd ever been around.

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But then Conan said something to me,
and I remember it like it was yesterday.

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And he said, "Hey, just so you know,

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if they ever offer me
the Mark Twain Prize,

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I will say no."

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"I will not accept it
out of respect for you."

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I didn't, no.

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Yes, yes, you did! Yes, you did.

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Oh my gosh!

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You totally said that!

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Oh my God!

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Oh my God, you said that!

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Oh my God!

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-Really? Really?
-I did not.

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Oh, this is so rich!

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Oh my God!

209
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This is a total Conan move!

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Are you saying that I made this up?

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Is that what you're saying?

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00:13:00,738 --> 00:13:04,784
Look, I know this is your night,
but you look like an idiot right now!

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You look out of your mind!

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00:13:11,248 --> 00:13:13,584
I just knew this would happen.

215
00:13:13,667 --> 00:13:15,127
And I don't have time for this!

216
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You know what
I'm supposed to be doing right now?

217
00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:18,714
Do you have any idea?

218
00:13:19,298 --> 00:13:23,344
I'm supposed to be shutting down
the Department of Education, okay?

219
00:13:25,763 --> 00:13:28,265
But now I'm dealing with this horseshit!

220
00:13:34,355 --> 00:13:39,235
Now, Jackie, my therapist,
warned me that this might happen.

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That you wouldn't acknowledge
the situation, and that…

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I needed to wrap my head
around the fact that maybe, just maybe,

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you, Conan O'Brien,

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did indeed deserve this award.

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00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:58,420
That you are in fact, my friend,
one of the quickest, smartest,

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funniest minds I've ever come across.

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00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:02,675
Uh…

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00:14:04,635 --> 00:14:05,970
The truth is,

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you will never know how much confidence
your generosity gave me as a performer.

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As I dragged many of your studio audiences
through long, elaborate bits,

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with very little payoff,

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00:14:21,569 --> 00:14:26,073
very much like this speech
that I've subjected all of you to…

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No matter how crazy the idea was,
you never said no.

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When you left The Tonight Show

235
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because The Jay Leno Show at 10 p.m.
was just too damn popular…

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It was a cultural moment,
Jay Leno at 10 p.m.

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It was in the zeitgeist.

238
00:14:50,180 --> 00:14:51,015
Your last show,

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00:14:51,098 --> 00:14:54,310
I watched you address the audience,
asking us to never get cynical,

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to still fight
for what we all believed in,

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whether it was in comedy or in life.

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00:14:58,439 --> 00:15:03,068
And despite what you told me
that night at the post-show party in 2011,

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I think you actually deserve this award.

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00:15:06,363 --> 00:15:07,656
Congratulations.

245
00:15:11,452 --> 00:15:14,580
Super smart people are great comedians,

246
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and he's not threatened
by someone being just as funny

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or, heaven forbid, funnier.

248
00:15:21,462 --> 00:15:23,255
That doesn't always happen.

249
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It doesn't happen a lot.

250
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But that's why we're all here.

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00:15:27,384 --> 00:15:29,970
Please welcome the female Ricky Gervais,

252
00:15:30,054 --> 00:15:32,848
but with funnier jokes and smaller tits,

253
00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:36,560
Nikki Glaser!

254
00:15:37,978 --> 00:15:39,980
Oh, good evening.

255
00:15:40,689 --> 00:15:42,441
It was the fall of 1998,

256
00:15:42,524 --> 00:15:45,736
my freshman year of high school,
my dad had just gotten home from work,

257
00:15:45,819 --> 00:15:49,239
and he's like, "You have to watch
this show I recorded last night for you."

258
00:15:49,323 --> 00:15:50,824
"I know you're gonna love it."

259
00:15:50,908 --> 00:15:52,910
So I, like, begrudgingly sit down.

260
00:15:52,993 --> 00:15:54,995
He pops in this VHS tape,

261
00:15:55,079 --> 00:15:58,040
and what I saw completely changed my life.

262
00:15:58,123 --> 00:16:01,502
It was a sex tape he and my mom
had shot over the weekend, but once…

263
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:07,257
Once he located the right tape,
and I stopped vomiting,

264
00:16:07,341 --> 00:16:09,009
he played me…

265
00:16:09,093 --> 00:16:12,680
He played me the fifth anniversary special
of Late Night with Conan O'Brien,

266
00:16:12,763 --> 00:16:16,934
and my mind was blown
more than my dad was on the first tape.

267
00:16:17,017 --> 00:16:19,436
I couldn't believe it.

268
00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:21,689
I was like,
"How has this been on for five years,

269
00:16:21,772 --> 00:16:23,607
and I'm just now finding out about it?"

270
00:16:23,691 --> 00:16:26,485
And my dad was like,
"Because it was bad for the first three."

271
00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:30,948
I was like, is this even a late show?

272
00:16:31,031 --> 00:16:33,200
I mean, I guess,
because he's a man in a suit,

273
00:16:33,283 --> 00:16:37,121
interviewing a prestigious actor.
But then one commercial break later,

274
00:16:37,204 --> 00:16:41,125
and he was in a screaming match
with a character called Coked-Up Werewolf.

275
00:16:41,208 --> 00:16:43,961
It was this juxtaposition
of decorum and chaos

276
00:16:44,044 --> 00:16:46,255
that made Conan so special to me,

277
00:16:46,338 --> 00:16:50,134
and it just gave me hope
that maybe someday I could be an adult

278
00:16:50,217 --> 00:16:52,845
and sound like an adult
and be respected by adults

279
00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:55,305
and still act like a fucking idiot.

280
00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:59,351
But Conan isn't just a mastermind
of unbridled silliness.

281
00:16:59,435 --> 00:17:01,478
He also gave us permission to laugh

282
00:17:01,562 --> 00:17:04,148
at some of the most depraved,
immoral comedy

283
00:17:04,231 --> 00:17:06,150
you have ever witnessed on TV.

284
00:17:06,233 --> 00:17:08,485
There's this one bit
he would do on Late Night

285
00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:13,449
where he would play random scenes
from the TV series Walker, Texas Ranger.

286
00:17:14,116 --> 00:17:15,242
Yes.

287
00:17:15,325 --> 00:17:20,330
I'm about to play my favorite one ever,
and, Conan, I think you know the one.

288
00:17:20,414 --> 00:17:25,377
And that one's about to be played here
at the prestigious Kennedy Center.

289
00:17:25,461 --> 00:17:26,628
Let her rip.

290
00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:29,131
And how you doing, little partner?

291
00:17:29,214 --> 00:17:31,884
Fine. And it's Little Visitor now.

292
00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:35,220
"Adawa Yoli" is how you say it
in Cherokee.

293
00:17:35,304 --> 00:17:38,807
Uh… Pardon my French, but I'll be damned.

294
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,729
Walker told me I have AIDS.

295
00:17:56,784 --> 00:17:58,827
That is trademark Conan.

296
00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:04,291
A good Catholic boy despondently staring
into the fake night sky,

297
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:10,214
disavowing any responsibility for a bit
he not only approved of, but rehearsed.

298
00:18:11,673 --> 00:18:13,550
A bit like that only works

299
00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:15,844
if the audience knows
you're a good person,

300
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:17,554
and someone they can trust.

301
00:18:17,638 --> 00:18:20,182
And, Conan, you're that guy.

302
00:18:20,265 --> 00:18:22,518
I remember when I first did your show,

303
00:18:22,601 --> 00:18:25,979
and I was a nobody comedian
doing my first late night set,

304
00:18:26,063 --> 00:18:28,816
and after my set,
you took the time to come backstage

305
00:18:28,899 --> 00:18:32,194
and hang out with me and my parents
for like a half hour,

306
00:18:32,277 --> 00:18:34,613
giving us truly
one of the greatest moments

307
00:18:34,696 --> 00:18:38,367
we've ever shared as a family.
And we've been to Branson.

308
00:18:38,450 --> 00:18:39,868
Uh…

309
00:18:40,536 --> 00:18:41,620
Conan,

310
00:18:41,703 --> 00:18:44,665
you prove that not only
can you meet your heroes,

311
00:18:44,748 --> 00:18:47,376
but when you do,
they'll flirt with your mom.

312
00:18:48,585 --> 00:18:51,588
I tell you this every time I see you,

313
00:18:51,672 --> 00:18:54,800
but you're the funniest person
who's ever lived. I'm sure of it.

314
00:18:54,883 --> 00:18:57,136
And whether it's you
playing old-timey baseball,

315
00:18:57,219 --> 00:19:01,807
or you relentlessly mocking the way
Jordan Schlansky pronounces "Tango,"

316
00:19:01,890 --> 00:19:04,643
or the way you created a space

317
00:19:04,726 --> 00:19:07,729
for bizarre characters
like Preparation H. Raymond,

318
00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:10,524
Minty the Candy Cane
who fell on the ground, or--

319
00:19:10,607 --> 00:19:12,818
Or me! The Interrupter!

320
00:19:12,901 --> 00:19:13,986
Oh God.

321
00:19:14,736 --> 00:19:17,990
Oh no. How the hell did you--

322
00:19:18,073 --> 00:19:19,575
Slip past security?

323
00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:21,618
Oh, what did you do? Tell them you're--

324
00:19:21,702 --> 00:19:23,495
Bill Burr's aromatherapist?

325
00:19:23,579 --> 00:19:26,748
Oh, come on. This is The Kennedy Center.
This place--

326
00:19:26,832 --> 00:19:28,417
Used to mean something.

327
00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:31,336
All right. All right. That's enough.

328
00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:32,671
Tonight we're celebrating--

329
00:19:32,754 --> 00:19:35,007
The work of that ginger freak.

330
00:19:35,090 --> 00:19:37,801
Hey! That ginger freak just hosted--

331
00:19:37,885 --> 00:19:39,136
The Oscars.

332
00:19:39,219 --> 00:19:40,679
All you've ever done is host--

333
00:19:40,762 --> 00:19:42,264
Intestinal parasites.

334
00:19:42,347 --> 00:19:45,517
Show Conan some respect.
He's a comedy legend.

335
00:19:45,601 --> 00:19:46,476
And you represent--

336
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:48,979
The lowest point of his 40-year career.

337
00:19:49,062 --> 00:19:52,274
Well, I don't think that's true because--

338
00:19:52,357 --> 00:19:54,026
He does a podcast now.

339
00:19:54,109 --> 00:19:55,110
But…

340
00:19:56,153 --> 00:19:58,864
I mean, that's not really a low point
because, I mean--

341
00:19:58,947 --> 00:20:01,200
Everyone has a podcast now.

342
00:20:01,783 --> 00:20:04,077
Wait, don't tell me you have a podcast.

343
00:20:04,161 --> 00:20:07,414
Where I review men's restrooms
with Corey Feldman.

344
00:20:07,497 --> 00:20:08,874
Oh, good God.

345
00:20:09,374 --> 00:20:10,959
I mean, that sounds like it has--

346
00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:12,252
Zero listeners?

347
00:20:12,336 --> 00:20:14,129
I mean, especially considering that--

348
00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:16,256
It's a different Corey Feldman.

349
00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:19,343
What? So, wait, it's not even--

350
00:20:19,426 --> 00:20:21,094
Corey Feldman the actor?

351
00:20:21,178 --> 00:20:22,179
It's Corey Feldman--

352
00:20:22,262 --> 00:20:24,348
The disgraced toll booth worker.

353
00:20:24,431 --> 00:20:26,350
I mean, that's just the--

354
00:20:26,433 --> 00:20:28,310
Most pathetic thing you've ever heard?

355
00:20:28,393 --> 00:20:30,646
I mean, yeah, unless you tell us you're--

356
00:20:30,729 --> 00:20:33,440
Wearing the cape
Shirley Temple was buried in?

357
00:20:33,523 --> 00:20:35,067
Oh my God!

358
00:20:35,150 --> 00:20:36,652
Will you please just--

359
00:20:36,735 --> 00:20:38,153
Give you this cape?

360
00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:40,280
No, I don't want that cape.
I want you to--

361
00:20:40,364 --> 00:20:41,949
Get the hell out of here?

362
00:20:42,032 --> 00:20:43,200
Yeah. Don't you have a--

363
00:20:43,283 --> 00:20:44,993
Cabinet meeting to get to?

364
00:20:45,577 --> 00:20:46,411
Wait.

365
00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:48,330
No.

366
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:57,631
Wait, so you're the new--

367
00:20:57,714 --> 00:21:00,259
Secretary of Housing
and Urban Development?

368
00:21:01,718 --> 00:21:02,678
Even though you--

369
00:21:02,761 --> 00:21:04,388
Never even lived in a house.

370
00:21:05,389 --> 00:21:06,515
And you're also a--

371
00:21:06,598 --> 00:21:08,141
Registered sex offender.

372
00:21:08,225 --> 00:21:11,061
Oh, which this administration
actually considers--

373
00:21:11,144 --> 00:21:12,896
A massive plus.

374
00:21:12,980 --> 00:21:15,774
Okay. Okay. This has obviously--

375
00:21:15,857 --> 00:21:17,609
Gone on way too long?

376
00:21:17,693 --> 00:21:21,530
Yeah. But really, I mean,
what better way to honor Conan than with--

377
00:21:21,613 --> 00:21:23,991
-A character nobody asked for.
-Yeah.

378
00:21:24,074 --> 00:21:26,243
And a bit that wastes everyone's time.

379
00:21:26,326 --> 00:21:27,452
Bingo!

380
00:21:27,536 --> 00:21:29,538
Thank you, The Interrupter!

381
00:21:31,164 --> 00:21:35,335
Thank you, Conan.
It is an honor to honor you. I love you.

382
00:21:35,419 --> 00:21:37,879
-I hope you let this in. Good night.
-Thank you.

383
00:21:40,716 --> 00:21:42,467
The New York Times calls him

384
00:21:42,551 --> 00:21:45,053
one of the greatest living
stand-up comics.

385
00:21:45,137 --> 00:21:48,473
The Proud Boys call him wasted potential.

386
00:21:48,557 --> 00:21:51,977
Here is Bill Burr!

387
00:21:52,477 --> 00:21:57,524
All right. Thank you.
Thank you very much. Nice to be here.

388
00:21:57,607 --> 00:21:59,776
Conan. Great to see you and everything.

389
00:21:59,860 --> 00:22:02,487
Nice to be here at The Kennedy Center.

390
00:22:02,988 --> 00:22:04,781
Uh, nothing says comedy

391
00:22:04,865 --> 00:22:08,869
like the free-flowing creative vibes
of the District of Columbia.

392
00:22:08,952 --> 00:22:11,955
You know? I don't know what it is.

393
00:22:12,706 --> 00:22:17,169
There's something about, you know,
starting and prolonging wars

394
00:22:17,252 --> 00:22:21,089
while crushing the working man
for your own self-interest

395
00:22:21,173 --> 00:22:25,052
that really inspires
all who gather on this fertile ground.

396
00:22:27,012 --> 00:22:28,013
Yeah.

397
00:22:28,889 --> 00:22:31,099
I wouldn't have missed this for the world.

398
00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:35,062
When they asked me to come out here,
I knew I had to show up

399
00:22:35,145 --> 00:22:38,815
because I always felt a kinship for Conan,
even before I met him,

400
00:22:38,899 --> 00:22:40,942
just as a fellow redhead.

401
00:22:41,026 --> 00:22:43,737
We are an unseen minority.

402
00:22:44,404 --> 00:22:47,491
Hiding in plain sight
under the shade of a tree.

403
00:22:48,617 --> 00:22:51,536
Watching all you pigmented people

404
00:22:51,620 --> 00:22:53,372
basking in the sun.

405
00:22:53,872 --> 00:22:58,668
But I had it easier than him
because, you know, I was regular size.

406
00:22:58,752 --> 00:23:01,588
You know? But Conan…

407
00:23:02,381 --> 00:23:06,802
Conan couldn't hide. Just a 6'6" abrasion.

408
00:23:07,719 --> 00:23:11,932
Just walking onto the playground,
looking for friends.

409
00:23:12,766 --> 00:23:13,767
You just look at him,

410
00:23:13,850 --> 00:23:16,686
you know the poor bastard
never had a chance.

411
00:23:17,270 --> 00:23:21,817
And thus, another great
comedy career was made.

412
00:23:21,900 --> 00:23:23,318
That's why he's here.

413
00:23:24,653 --> 00:23:25,654
Yes.

414
00:23:28,907 --> 00:23:32,702
So, when I was growing up,
I was a huge fan of stand-up comedy,

415
00:23:32,786 --> 00:23:37,165
and I'd watch all my favorite comedians
go on the late night shows and do sets.

416
00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:39,835
If you were lucky enough,
if you didn't bomb,

417
00:23:39,918 --> 00:23:43,088
you got to possibly get called
over to the couch

418
00:23:43,171 --> 00:23:44,923
and actually talk to the host.

419
00:23:45,006 --> 00:23:46,425
And I became fascinated.

420
00:23:46,508 --> 00:23:49,970
My little pasty brain
would be watching a square TV,

421
00:23:50,053 --> 00:23:51,721
looking at these comedians,

422
00:23:51,805 --> 00:23:54,391
and there was something
about being called to the couch,

423
00:23:54,474 --> 00:23:58,520
that it showed, you know,
you belonged with all of these movie stars

424
00:23:58,603 --> 00:24:02,274
telling their long, meandering stories
that went nowhere…

425
00:24:02,357 --> 00:24:03,733
…torturing the host.

426
00:24:03,817 --> 00:24:05,277
It was the back and forth.

427
00:24:05,360 --> 00:24:08,655
You had to listen to the other person,
you had to give space,

428
00:24:08,738 --> 00:24:12,868
and if the other person was going down,
you jumped in to save them.

429
00:24:12,951 --> 00:24:15,370
And in my experience, in this business,

430
00:24:15,454 --> 00:24:17,789
no one was better than Conan O'Brien.

431
00:24:19,291 --> 00:24:20,292
Yeah.

432
00:24:20,375 --> 00:24:23,753
So… here come the compliments, buddy.

433
00:24:23,837 --> 00:24:26,882
You're not gonna like this,
but you have to sit there and take it.

434
00:24:27,466 --> 00:24:28,925
All right? I don't know.

435
00:24:29,009 --> 00:24:31,761
Every time I went on his show,
I just felt so comfortable.

436
00:24:31,845 --> 00:24:33,763
He always seemed to know
where I was going,

437
00:24:33,847 --> 00:24:37,684
and he perfected this art of acting
like he didn't know where I was going,

438
00:24:37,767 --> 00:24:40,937
and all he was doing was teeing me up
for the next big laugh.

439
00:24:41,021 --> 00:24:45,025
I can't tell you how much I've enjoyed
doing your shows over the years.

440
00:24:45,108 --> 00:24:49,321
I just love how his brain works.
He's so funny, he's so fast,

441
00:24:49,404 --> 00:24:52,657
and whenever I'm with him,
I always know it's going to be all right,

442
00:24:52,741 --> 00:24:54,201
'cause he's going to set me up,

443
00:24:54,284 --> 00:24:56,661
jump in to save me
and always make me look good,

444
00:24:56,745 --> 00:24:57,954
because he's fucking awesome.

445
00:24:58,038 --> 00:24:59,039
So…

446
00:25:02,542 --> 00:25:04,085
Believe it or not,

447
00:25:04,169 --> 00:25:07,964
I consider you my eight-foot older brother
in this business.

448
00:25:08,048 --> 00:25:10,759
The one who got to keep his hair.

449
00:25:11,676 --> 00:25:13,178
I'm so happy for you,

450
00:25:13,261 --> 00:25:17,682
and I can't think of anyone more deserving
of this award. I really can't. All right?

451
00:25:17,766 --> 00:25:20,727
So, now I've said all the nice things.

452
00:25:20,810 --> 00:25:22,270
I'm now going to go back to being

453
00:25:22,354 --> 00:25:25,565
the walled-off
German-Irish lunatic that I am.

454
00:25:25,649 --> 00:25:27,484
And, Conan, I think we both know

455
00:25:27,567 --> 00:25:29,611
neither one of us will speak
of the nice things

456
00:25:29,694 --> 00:25:32,280
that I said about you this evening.

457
00:25:32,364 --> 00:25:36,576
I imagine at the after-party,
it's going to be an awkward handshake,

458
00:25:36,660 --> 00:25:39,538
followed by a poorly-executed side hug.

459
00:25:40,539 --> 00:25:43,041
And once we've taken care
of that business,

460
00:25:43,124 --> 00:25:46,294
we'll probably make fun of fat people
eating too much cake,

461
00:25:46,378 --> 00:25:49,172
or a sunken cruise ship,
whatever we need to do.

462
00:25:49,839 --> 00:25:51,967
Laugh at the misfortune of others,

463
00:25:52,050 --> 00:25:53,969
while we reset our friendship

464
00:25:54,052 --> 00:25:57,222
to the emotionally distant place
that it exists all these years.

465
00:26:00,141 --> 00:26:02,978
Congratulations, you truly deserve this.
Thank you so much.

466
00:26:03,061 --> 00:26:04,020
Good night.

467
00:26:06,565 --> 00:26:09,859
When you're first starting comedy,
it's really about the community.

468
00:26:09,943 --> 00:26:12,070
You're hanging out with comedians
all the time,

469
00:26:12,153 --> 00:26:16,074
and as you go off, you don't really get
to hang out with people as much anymore.

470
00:26:16,157 --> 00:26:19,452
And so I think the thrill in that room is

471
00:26:19,536 --> 00:26:22,372
you're with people who can,
like, riff with you.

472
00:26:22,455 --> 00:26:24,374
It feels really special
because it's Conan,

473
00:26:24,457 --> 00:26:28,587
because I can't think of someone
who's more beloved than Conan O'Brien.

474
00:26:28,670 --> 00:26:32,799
I've been a fan of Conan's
since I first moved to America.

475
00:26:32,882 --> 00:26:37,512
I moved here for college on my own,
no family, just this kid from Pakistan,

476
00:26:37,596 --> 00:26:39,931
alone at 18 in a strange land.

477
00:26:40,015 --> 00:26:42,559
I had no idea
what America was gonna be like.

478
00:26:42,642 --> 00:26:45,061
I felt lonely and terrified.

479
00:26:45,145 --> 00:26:48,440
I turned on the TV
in the lounge in my dorm in Iowa,

480
00:26:48,523 --> 00:26:53,445
and the first thing I saw on TV in America
was a masturbating bear.

481
00:26:54,904 --> 00:26:58,617
And I remember thinking,
"I think I'm gonna like it here."

482
00:27:00,785 --> 00:27:03,496
A lot of people will be talking
about the masturbating bear,

483
00:27:03,580 --> 00:27:07,792
but nobody else has it
as their literal introduction to America.

484
00:27:08,293 --> 00:27:10,211
It is a fitting introduction to America.

485
00:27:10,295 --> 00:27:15,467
To me, nothing represents America better
than an unbelievably powerful predator

486
00:27:15,550 --> 00:27:17,552
pleasuring itself on television.

487
00:27:22,599 --> 00:27:26,895
Today, Conan joins such luminaries
as Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Bob Newhart,

488
00:27:26,978 --> 00:27:28,438
Adam Sandler, and Steve Martin,

489
00:27:28,521 --> 00:27:32,150
but the question is, does Conan
deserve to be among these names?

490
00:27:32,233 --> 00:27:37,322
Does Conan deserve to receive
the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor?

491
00:27:37,822 --> 00:27:42,285
This is the question we'll tackle today
during my Twain talk.

492
00:27:46,748 --> 00:27:47,957
All right.

493
00:27:49,167 --> 00:27:53,254
Okay, so let's go through the categories
that define comedic excellence

494
00:27:53,338 --> 00:27:56,007
and just see how the numbers
stack up, okay?

495
00:27:56,091 --> 00:27:58,218
Category one, influence.

496
00:27:58,718 --> 00:28:00,720
Now, Conan was part of the writing staff

497
00:28:00,804 --> 00:28:03,807
of one of the most legendary
and successful TV shows of all time,

498
00:28:03,890 --> 00:28:05,350
The Simpsons.

499
00:28:05,433 --> 00:28:08,687
People love to talk about
Conan's contributions to The Simpsons.

500
00:28:08,770 --> 00:28:12,440
In fact, his name gets brought up
93% of the time

501
00:28:12,524 --> 00:28:15,860
when people on the Internet
talk about Simpsons writers.

502
00:28:15,944 --> 00:28:18,863
Let's compare that
to his actual contribution.

503
00:28:27,038 --> 00:28:30,500
Well, there are 781 episodes
of The Simpsons.

504
00:28:30,583 --> 00:28:32,794
Conan wrote three.

505
00:28:34,129 --> 00:28:37,173
You know what? Let's zoom in,
so we can see it a little bit more.

506
00:28:37,257 --> 00:28:39,968
Let's zoom in a little bit more.

507
00:28:40,468 --> 00:28:41,511
There we go.

508
00:28:43,847 --> 00:28:47,684
That is a whopping 0.38%.

509
00:28:48,351 --> 00:28:54,149
By comparison, Charles Manson wrote 0.41%
of the songs released by The Beach Boys.

510
00:28:56,818 --> 00:28:59,362
Charles Manson is a bigger part
of The Beach Boys

511
00:28:59,446 --> 00:29:02,115
than Conan is of The Simpsons.

512
00:29:06,786 --> 00:29:09,748
By the way, the names of
The Simpsons episodes Conan wrote are,

513
00:29:09,831 --> 00:29:11,958
"Marge vs. the Monorail…"

514
00:29:15,170 --> 00:29:17,297
…and two other episodes.

515
00:29:20,675 --> 00:29:21,509
To be fair,

516
00:29:21,593 --> 00:29:25,805
"Marge vs. The Monorail" tops lists
of the best-ever episodes of The Simpsons,

517
00:29:25,889 --> 00:29:28,933
but at least Conan
has not let that go to his head.

518
00:29:29,559 --> 00:29:32,020
Six-car monorail! What'd I say?

519
00:29:32,103 --> 00:29:33,897
-Monorail!
-What's it called?

520
00:29:33,980 --> 00:29:36,608
-Monorail!
-That's right, monorail!

521
00:29:39,068 --> 00:29:43,239
Let's move on to the single most important
thing in comedy, commitment.

522
00:29:43,323 --> 00:29:44,991
Now, comedy is about commitment,

523
00:29:45,074 --> 00:29:47,494
and nowhere is
Conan's commitment more obvious

524
00:29:47,577 --> 00:29:49,954
than when he is laughing at his guests.

525
00:29:50,038 --> 00:29:53,374
Between The Late Show, The Tonight Show,
and Conan on TBS,

526
00:29:53,458 --> 00:29:57,837
Conan hosted a late-night show
4,381 times,

527
00:29:57,921 --> 00:30:02,175
and he laughed, on average,
193 times per episode.

528
00:30:03,885 --> 00:30:05,470
Thanks to new AI technology,

529
00:30:05,553 --> 00:30:08,306
we can now determine
that of those 193 laughs,

530
00:30:08,389 --> 00:30:10,391
around 2% were genuine.

531
00:30:11,643 --> 00:30:12,936
Let's see now.

532
00:30:13,019 --> 00:30:16,648
Let's watch a clip
where Conan is genuinely laughing…

533
00:30:27,992 --> 00:30:31,329
And compare that to a random sample
of Conan fake-laughing

534
00:30:31,412 --> 00:30:33,414
on his late-night show.

535
00:30:33,498 --> 00:30:36,209
I will never do another episode
of Silicon Valley.

536
00:30:37,669 --> 00:30:39,379
That's really nice of you.

537
00:30:44,259 --> 00:30:46,511
That's the best clip
the producers could find.

538
00:30:46,594 --> 00:30:47,929
Thanks so much, guys.

539
00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:52,433
Our last category is reputation.

540
00:30:53,893 --> 00:30:57,313
I could go on and on about what
his colleagues and peers think of Conan,

541
00:30:57,397 --> 00:30:59,858
how much they admire his comedy
and his work,

542
00:30:59,941 --> 00:31:02,485
how inspiring he has been
to generations of comedians,

543
00:31:02,569 --> 00:31:03,695
but instead of that,

544
00:31:03,778 --> 00:31:06,990
I'm just going to talk to you
about what you mean to me.

545
00:31:07,073 --> 00:31:09,200
Conan, you are my hero.

546
00:31:09,284 --> 00:31:12,996
You will genuinely never understand
how important you are to me.

547
00:31:13,079 --> 00:31:15,290
Truly, truly, genuinely.

548
00:31:15,373 --> 00:31:18,459
I've tried to tell you this many times,
and you changed the subject.

549
00:31:18,543 --> 00:31:20,837
I'm a comedian because of you.

550
00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:21,921
I really am.

551
00:31:22,005 --> 00:31:25,884
So after this, you'll be FaceTiming
my parents to apologize to them.

552
00:31:32,724 --> 00:31:36,936
I cannot think of anyone who deserves
the Mark Twain Prize more than you.

553
00:31:37,020 --> 00:31:38,146
Thank you for having me.

554
00:31:38,229 --> 00:31:41,983
It has meant the absolute world to me.
Thank you.

555
00:31:46,154 --> 00:31:50,283
Most people do not know this
about Conan, but a few years ago,

556
00:31:50,366 --> 00:31:52,493
he had a large growth removed,

557
00:31:52,577 --> 00:31:54,037
and he's here tonight.

558
00:31:54,120 --> 00:31:59,584
Please welcome the beloved Andy Richter!

559
00:31:59,667 --> 00:32:01,377
Hello!

560
00:32:02,003 --> 00:32:04,213
Thank you very much. Hi there.

561
00:32:04,297 --> 00:32:06,215
Hi, everybody.

562
00:32:06,299 --> 00:32:09,469
Boy, you can't tell who the O'Briens are,
can you?

563
00:32:10,762 --> 00:32:14,349
They made one mold and said
that'll be good for the whole run of them.

564
00:32:16,726 --> 00:32:18,061
Of all my marriages,

565
00:32:18,144 --> 00:32:21,564
the one that I had with Conan
has lasted the longest.

566
00:32:23,232 --> 00:32:25,401
We first met in 1993,

567
00:32:25,485 --> 00:32:27,987
and when I was hired
as a writer for Late Night,

568
00:32:28,071 --> 00:32:32,742
little did I know that it would turn into
one million years as Conan's sidekick.

569
00:32:34,285 --> 00:32:36,329
It was the beginning of my beginning,

570
00:32:36,412 --> 00:32:38,498
and I will always be grateful to Conan

571
00:32:38,581 --> 00:32:43,169
for inviting me into the process
of making our funny, funny show.

572
00:32:43,252 --> 00:32:45,713
Uh, it's a profoundly generous thing

573
00:32:45,797 --> 00:32:50,176
for a performer to let another performer
sit next to them for years

574
00:32:50,259 --> 00:32:51,886
and share in the attention.

575
00:32:52,470 --> 00:32:55,598
When I think back
to how our scrappy little show started,

576
00:32:55,682 --> 00:32:58,810
the way we got torn to shreds by critics
in the early seasons,

577
00:32:58,893 --> 00:33:00,853
never knowing how long it would last,

578
00:33:00,937 --> 00:33:04,649
it's gratifying to realize
how far we've made it.

579
00:33:04,732 --> 00:33:07,777
I mean, you're receiving
the Mark Twain Prize,

580
00:33:07,860 --> 00:33:12,281
and I have one of the top five podcasts
on the Team Coco network.

581
00:33:15,034 --> 00:33:16,494
No, no, please.

582
00:33:17,245 --> 00:33:18,621
Please, please.

583
00:33:19,664 --> 00:33:20,707
Thanks.

584
00:33:20,790 --> 00:33:25,211
Um, I am so proud to call you my friend
and so happy to be here

585
00:33:25,294 --> 00:33:28,006
to see you accept
this much-deserved award.

586
00:33:28,089 --> 00:33:32,760
Your commitment to putting the funniest,
most intelligent stupidity out there

587
00:33:32,844 --> 00:33:35,304
has been there
ever since the old days of Late Night,

588
00:33:35,388 --> 00:33:38,516
which is why I wanted to throw back
to one of our old classic bits

589
00:33:38,599 --> 00:33:39,726
from the old show,

590
00:33:39,809 --> 00:33:43,354
because there's a certain someone here
who'd like to speak with you.

591
00:33:43,438 --> 00:33:46,482
Please welcome
former President Bill Clinton.

592
00:33:48,568 --> 00:33:50,820
Yee! Hi! Thanks, Andy!

593
00:33:50,903 --> 00:33:52,238
What's up?

594
00:33:52,321 --> 00:33:55,575
Cone Zone! Whoa! Ah-ah!

595
00:33:55,658 --> 00:33:58,786
You know, Conan, I miss your show.
I really do.

596
00:33:59,412 --> 00:34:04,625
Mostly because now there's one less place
for me to see Teri Hatcher. Awoo!

597
00:34:04,709 --> 00:34:08,838
Ah! Yes. I am also the one who is here.

598
00:34:08,921 --> 00:34:11,507
This is the first time
they've given the award

599
00:34:11,591 --> 00:34:13,760
to someone who can't even pick it up.

600
00:34:13,843 --> 00:34:16,596
Because you're skinny and weakling, Conan.

601
00:34:16,679 --> 00:34:18,473
You got no muscle.

602
00:34:18,556 --> 00:34:20,391
Hasta la vista, Conan.

603
00:34:20,475 --> 00:34:25,313
It's beloved film actor James Mason.
Funny enough, dear heart,

604
00:34:25,396 --> 00:34:27,940
I'm down here in hell with the devil.

605
00:34:28,024 --> 00:34:29,734
He's just pleased as punch…

606
00:34:29,817 --> 00:34:30,693
What's happening?

607
00:34:30,777 --> 00:34:32,403
…that you're receiving this award.

608
00:34:32,487 --> 00:34:34,864
He says you've got pluck, moxie,

609
00:34:34,947 --> 00:34:38,117
and several other things
that I don't feel comfortable repeating.

610
00:34:38,201 --> 00:34:41,746
Because we just don't say those sorts
of things about the Irish anymore.

611
00:34:41,829 --> 00:34:44,707
I couldn't be on your show
when I was alive.

612
00:34:44,791 --> 00:34:47,794
But now with recent developments in AI,

613
00:34:47,877 --> 00:34:50,922
we're able to imagine
what that might have looked like.

614
00:34:51,005 --> 00:34:53,216
In fact, we've got a clip.

615
00:34:53,299 --> 00:34:55,176
Take a look, my dear.

616
00:35:00,681 --> 00:35:01,682
Eric!

617
00:35:02,391 --> 00:35:03,226
Wait.

618
00:35:07,688 --> 00:35:09,565
Eric, stop!

619
00:35:16,197 --> 00:35:18,366
Hi, Conan. Oh!

620
00:35:19,200 --> 00:35:23,412
Sorry, it's just getting harder and harder
to surprise you with that dumb clip.

621
00:35:23,496 --> 00:35:26,165
I just want to say how happy I am

622
00:35:26,249 --> 00:35:27,583
that you are the recipient

623
00:35:27,667 --> 00:35:29,544
of this year's Mark Twain Prize
for comedy.

624
00:35:29,627 --> 00:35:34,507
I think you're the best.
I love you, man, and congratulations.

625
00:35:35,091 --> 00:35:36,259
Oh…

626
00:35:37,510 --> 00:35:39,971
And keep doing what you do. Hm?

627
00:35:40,054 --> 00:35:42,557
The world needs it now more than ever.

628
00:35:42,640 --> 00:35:43,641
Deal?

629
00:35:44,892 --> 00:35:46,352
See you at the movies.

630
00:35:52,900 --> 00:35:53,943
Eric!

631
00:35:54,443 --> 00:35:55,278
Wait.

632
00:36:00,116 --> 00:36:01,826
Eric, stop!

633
00:36:10,168 --> 00:36:11,627
Oh my God, that's right.

634
00:36:11,711 --> 00:36:14,672
You would not know
this next guest is a Jew

635
00:36:14,755 --> 00:36:17,133
unless you read her name, saw her face,

636
00:36:17,216 --> 00:36:18,551
and heard her talk.

637
00:36:18,634 --> 00:36:23,514
Please welcome Sarah Silverman!

638
00:36:28,311 --> 00:36:29,854
Outrageous.

639
00:36:30,354 --> 00:36:31,772
Experimental.

640
00:36:32,523 --> 00:36:33,649
Singular.

641
00:36:34,275 --> 00:36:35,776
A revelation.

642
00:36:35,860 --> 00:36:38,362
These are just some of the words

643
00:36:38,446 --> 00:36:41,365
used to describe my appearances on Conan.

644
00:36:43,492 --> 00:36:48,039
Too easy a joke? Were you ahead of it?
Yeah, maybe. Maybe.

645
00:36:48,748 --> 00:36:52,752
But what better way
to celebrate our friend Conan O'Brien

646
00:36:53,252 --> 00:36:54,962
than without effort?

647
00:37:01,093 --> 00:37:04,180
The bits on Conan are legendary.

648
00:37:04,263 --> 00:37:05,348
They're unmatched.

649
00:37:05,431 --> 00:37:09,602
So silly. So willing to experiment.

650
00:37:10,269 --> 00:37:13,522
They wrote a bit
where Conan interviews Hitler,

651
00:37:13,606 --> 00:37:16,192
who comes on because he's embarrassed

652
00:37:16,275 --> 00:37:18,986
that he's being compared to Donald Trump.

653
00:37:19,070 --> 00:37:22,907
And they cast me as Hitler.

654
00:37:24,075 --> 00:37:26,160
Yeah. Oh yeah.

655
00:37:26,244 --> 00:37:29,455
And now, you know,
despite being able to grow

656
00:37:29,538 --> 00:37:31,415
an organically narrow mustache,

657
00:37:32,291 --> 00:37:36,545
I am actually, uh,
not an obvious choice for Hitler.

658
00:37:36,629 --> 00:37:40,967
I mean, I am an obvious choice
for Hitler, but I…

659
00:37:44,303 --> 00:37:47,890
Not an obvious choice to play Hitler, uh…

660
00:37:48,933 --> 00:37:51,185
But they chose me,

661
00:37:51,269 --> 00:37:56,274
and it's this way of thinking
that makes Conan great again.

662
00:37:57,441 --> 00:37:59,277
Man.

663
00:37:59,360 --> 00:38:02,071
I just really miss the days

664
00:38:02,154 --> 00:38:05,199
when you were America's
only orange asshole.

665
00:38:05,741 --> 00:38:06,909
I…

666
00:38:11,289 --> 00:38:14,000
Oh, pace yourselves.

667
00:38:16,585 --> 00:38:20,339
I have loved Conan
from the start of his first talk show.

668
00:38:20,423 --> 00:38:23,342
You know, in some ways,
Conan and I came up together.

669
00:38:23,426 --> 00:38:26,595
His first year on the air
was my first and last

670
00:38:26,679 --> 00:38:29,223
and only year on Saturday Night Live.

671
00:38:29,307 --> 00:38:34,437
And even after I lost my first
and only job in show business,

672
00:38:34,520 --> 00:38:38,274
Conan kept having me on,
like, all the time.

673
00:38:38,357 --> 00:38:41,402
Conan, the amount of creative freedom
you have given me,

674
00:38:41,485 --> 00:38:43,988
and all the comics
who have gone on your show,

675
00:38:44,071 --> 00:38:46,782
it's been such a gift, uh…

676
00:38:46,866 --> 00:38:50,536
You've always trusted me
to be my authentic self.

677
00:38:50,619 --> 00:38:52,496
Oh, remember when I came on,

678
00:38:52,580 --> 00:38:58,002
and I took that sideways picture
of your mouth with my iPhone, you know,

679
00:38:58,085 --> 00:38:59,879
and then I put it between my legs,

680
00:38:59,962 --> 00:39:03,007
and as soon as I did,
the network pixelated it.

681
00:39:03,090 --> 00:39:05,343
It was-- Oh, yeah.

682
00:39:05,426 --> 00:39:09,513
It was-- It was just a picture
of your mouth.

683
00:39:09,597 --> 00:39:13,434
Like, that's how much your mouth
looks like a real vagina.

684
00:39:17,104 --> 00:39:18,230
I mean…

685
00:39:19,690 --> 00:39:23,569
All those years
of getting absolutely no vagina,

686
00:39:23,652 --> 00:39:26,614
and it was on your face the whole time,
you know?

687
00:39:27,823 --> 00:39:31,285
It was like the end of The Wizard of Oz,
or something.

688
00:39:33,621 --> 00:39:37,124
Well, thankfully, tonight,
we are on Netflix,

689
00:39:37,208 --> 00:39:40,836
so the world can finally see
the stunning resemblance

690
00:39:40,920 --> 00:39:42,546
without any pixelation.

691
00:39:42,630 --> 00:39:44,340
Ladies and gentlemen,

692
00:39:44,423 --> 00:39:46,384
under your seats,

693
00:39:47,510 --> 00:39:50,554
you will find that very picture
of Conan's mouth.

694
00:39:50,638 --> 00:39:54,100
Now, if everyone
can just go ahead and grab it.

695
00:39:54,850 --> 00:39:57,395
It really is under your seat,
on the right.

696
00:39:58,938 --> 00:40:02,233
And… go ahead
and put it right between your legs.

697
00:40:02,316 --> 00:40:04,360
If you could just kind of hold it.

698
00:40:09,407 --> 00:40:12,284
What vagina do you have? It goes that way.

699
00:40:16,455 --> 00:40:20,042
Look at this sea of gorgeous vaginas.

700
00:40:20,668 --> 00:40:22,586
Absolutely stunning.

701
00:40:23,587 --> 00:40:24,839
Oh, Conan,

702
00:40:26,090 --> 00:40:30,219
your discomfort is my absolute joy,
I have to say it.

703
00:40:31,053 --> 00:40:35,099
Tonight, your mouth speaks for everyone.

704
00:40:36,142 --> 00:40:40,146
As glorious, gender non-specific
beef curtains of peace,

705
00:40:40,229 --> 00:40:42,189
here at The Kennedy Center.

706
00:40:44,775 --> 00:40:49,488
Thank you for giving so many
so much joy over the years,

707
00:40:49,572 --> 00:40:55,578
and for giving every single person
in this room beautiful ginger vulvas.

708
00:40:56,829 --> 00:41:02,460
Your mouth may be a lipless vagina,
but your comedy has real teeth.

709
00:41:03,252 --> 00:41:04,545
I love you, brother.

710
00:41:04,628 --> 00:41:05,754
Oh!

711
00:41:05,838 --> 00:41:07,673
Sorry, one more thing.

712
00:41:08,632 --> 00:41:10,176
Just, if you can…

713
00:41:10,259 --> 00:41:13,471
You can go ahead and leave those photos
on your seat when you go.

714
00:41:13,554 --> 00:41:16,015
The guy who took over
loves grabbing pussy.

715
00:41:16,098 --> 00:41:17,475
Good night!

716
00:41:28,486 --> 00:41:29,778
My name is Henfield Horgan.

717
00:41:29,862 --> 00:41:32,781
I'm the Dean of Students
at Harvard University.

718
00:41:32,865 --> 00:41:34,617
Who is Conan O'Brien?

719
00:41:34,700 --> 00:41:37,620
Conan O'Brien, well,
I'm told he was a student here,

720
00:41:37,703 --> 00:41:40,164
the youngest editor
of the Harvard Lampoon.

721
00:41:40,247 --> 00:41:42,750
And, honestly,
I mean this with no hyperbole,

722
00:41:42,833 --> 00:41:44,877
he attended Harvard University.

723
00:41:46,921 --> 00:41:50,841
At Harvard, we aim to create titans
of industry, finance, and government,

724
00:41:50,925 --> 00:41:52,593
you know, Henry Kissinger,

725
00:41:52,676 --> 00:41:56,055
people who made a tremendous
and tangible difference in the world.

726
00:41:56,138 --> 00:41:57,806
-Mmm.
-What do you think?

727
00:41:57,890 --> 00:41:58,974
Creamy.

728
00:42:00,434 --> 00:42:04,605
And, as a Harvard man,
I assume that Conan upheld our standards.

729
00:42:06,982 --> 00:42:08,108
Penis.

730
00:42:09,610 --> 00:42:11,445
Ask him if he can tell that I work out.

731
00:42:13,989 --> 00:42:15,115
Oh yeah.

732
00:42:16,951 --> 00:42:20,829
At Harvard, we expect our student body
to have an air of dignity, respect,

733
00:42:20,913 --> 00:42:23,332
and effortless superiority.

734
00:42:31,048 --> 00:42:32,466
Why not dig a trench?

735
00:42:32,550 --> 00:42:36,011
Then the ball would be as low
as you seem to wish it to be.

736
00:42:36,095 --> 00:42:38,430
We expect our graduates
to have a reverence

737
00:42:38,514 --> 00:42:41,809
for well-respected citizens
of the upper class.

738
00:42:41,892 --> 00:42:44,061
You're teaching people to be insane.

739
00:42:44,144 --> 00:42:45,980
You broke this boy.

740
00:42:46,063 --> 00:42:47,523
You broke his brain.

741
00:42:47,606 --> 00:42:50,317
Did you know that NBC has a Turkish spa?

742
00:42:50,401 --> 00:42:52,611
Oh, right here.

743
00:42:52,695 --> 00:42:55,406
-Yeah, isn't that great?
-That is great. That would be nice.

744
00:42:55,489 --> 00:42:59,118
Yeah. Well, the only catch
is you have to be completely naked.

745
00:43:00,077 --> 00:43:03,080
Well, that's no problem.
I mean, I'll check it out.

746
00:43:03,163 --> 00:43:05,416
I think you're gonna like it.
Give me the robe.

747
00:43:05,499 --> 00:43:07,543
Just give me the robe. Get in there.

748
00:43:08,794 --> 00:43:10,379
We'll be--

749
00:43:10,963 --> 00:43:15,050
Here at Harvard, we hold
the cultures of the world in high esteem.

750
00:43:15,134 --> 00:43:18,137
I look like a Janet Jackson backup dancer.

751
00:43:18,220 --> 00:43:20,139
-I'm here to buy your country.
-Yeah.

752
00:43:20,222 --> 00:43:24,101
When I'm walking around,
I like to yell out random Italian things.

753
00:43:24,184 --> 00:43:25,019
-Right.
-You know?

754
00:43:28,439 --> 00:43:30,190
You keep thinking it's offensive.

755
00:43:30,274 --> 00:43:32,860
-People just think that I'm Italian.
-I-- I…

756
00:43:32,943 --> 00:43:34,528
-Ragù in a can.
-Buongiorno.

757
00:43:34,612 --> 00:43:36,947
Harvard has generated
eight U.S. presidents,

758
00:43:37,031 --> 00:43:39,158
188 Nobel Laureates,

759
00:43:39,241 --> 00:43:41,327
and 48 Pulitzer Prize winners.

760
00:43:43,078 --> 00:43:45,122
Let's do this thing right now.

761
00:43:50,294 --> 00:43:51,754
What's the name of the award again?

762
00:43:51,837 --> 00:43:55,132
The Mark Twain Prize for American Humor.

763
00:43:55,215 --> 00:43:56,258
Ah!

764
00:43:56,759 --> 00:43:59,178
Mark Twain, the riverboat captain.

765
00:43:59,678 --> 00:44:00,804
Uh…

766
00:44:00,888 --> 00:44:03,849
Congratulations from all of us
at the school.

767
00:44:03,932 --> 00:44:05,517
You've made us proud.

768
00:44:05,601 --> 00:44:09,772
You guys can write whatever you want,
and I'll sign it. That's fine.

769
00:44:14,360 --> 00:44:17,237
Our next speaker
didn't get the Mark Twain Prize

770
00:44:17,321 --> 00:44:19,573
before the 2024 election,

771
00:44:19,657 --> 00:44:21,742
and now he never will.

772
00:44:21,825 --> 00:44:25,829
Please welcome Stephen Colbert!

773
00:44:28,624 --> 00:44:32,002
Tonight, we gather
to honor our friend Conan O'Brien.

774
00:44:33,504 --> 00:44:37,383
Of course, we all know Conan
from his incredible career in late night,

775
00:44:37,466 --> 00:44:38,801
but in 2021,

776
00:44:39,343 --> 00:44:41,470
he walked away from his hilarious

777
00:44:41,553 --> 00:44:44,431
and, some would say,
thought-provoking show.

778
00:44:48,227 --> 00:44:49,645
Not many, but some.

779
00:44:49,728 --> 00:44:50,854
So far…

780
00:44:51,772 --> 00:44:52,940
So far, just me.

781
00:44:53,941 --> 00:44:57,319
Conan knew he had more worlds to conquer.

782
00:44:57,403 --> 00:45:00,322
He knew whatever came next
had to be worthy of his talent,

783
00:45:00,406 --> 00:45:03,242
his legacy, his fierce intellect.

784
00:45:03,784 --> 00:45:05,869
So Conan went on Hot Ones.

785
00:45:07,538 --> 00:45:10,207
If you have not seen
Conan's appearance on Hot Ones,

786
00:45:10,290 --> 00:45:12,376
just take out your phone
right now and watch.

787
00:45:12,459 --> 00:45:15,796
I don't mind. It'll be funnier
than anything we do up here tonight.

788
00:45:15,879 --> 00:45:19,591
I just wish that I somehow could recapture

789
00:45:19,675 --> 00:45:23,011
the courageous spirit
that he displayed in that episode,

790
00:45:23,095 --> 00:45:25,013
but, I mean, what am I saying?

791
00:45:25,097 --> 00:45:27,933
That's-- That's lightning in a bottle.

792
00:45:28,726 --> 00:45:30,728
Technically, the hot sauce
was in the bottle.

793
00:45:30,811 --> 00:45:33,564
The lightning was shooting
out of your ass, wasn't it, Conan?

794
00:45:34,356 --> 00:45:35,941
There must be a way.

795
00:45:37,359 --> 00:45:38,569
Maybe I could help.

796
00:45:39,153 --> 00:45:41,280
Sean Evans of Hot Ones.

797
00:45:43,949 --> 00:45:45,367
Sean, what are you doing here?

798
00:45:45,451 --> 00:45:46,660
Stephen, you invited me.

799
00:45:46,744 --> 00:45:48,078
Oh, that's right.

800
00:45:48,162 --> 00:45:51,373
And, Conan, you know,
you walked onto the Hot Ones set

801
00:45:51,457 --> 00:45:55,252
as a self-proclaimed Irishman
who's never seen spice,

802
00:45:55,335 --> 00:45:59,298
and then, through your wing-by-wing
dissension into madness,

803
00:45:59,381 --> 00:46:03,677
taught me, and the millions who watched,
what show business really is.

804
00:46:03,761 --> 00:46:07,139
So tonight,
we raise our milk glasses to you.

805
00:46:07,222 --> 00:46:10,768
Ladies and gentlemen,
Stephen is going to attempt

806
00:46:10,851 --> 00:46:14,438
to continue his remarks
while answering my questions

807
00:46:14,521 --> 00:46:17,691
and eating increasingly
spicy chicken wings.

808
00:46:18,317 --> 00:46:19,526
Let's bring it on!

809
00:46:21,820 --> 00:46:22,863
Oh yeah.

810
00:46:29,995 --> 00:46:31,497
I'll start by saying,

811
00:46:31,580 --> 00:46:34,041
in light of the new leadership
at The Kennedy Center,

812
00:46:34,124 --> 00:46:36,794
all of these are right wings.

813
00:46:41,548 --> 00:46:44,968
And a couple of them are truly insane.

814
00:46:46,345 --> 00:46:47,262
-That's right.
-Sean.

815
00:46:47,346 --> 00:46:49,973
We have five wings here,
each hotter than the last.

816
00:46:50,057 --> 00:46:53,018
Okay, for context for the audience,
how hot is Tabasco, Sean?

817
00:46:53,101 --> 00:46:54,728
About 1,000 Scoville units.

818
00:46:54,812 --> 00:46:57,147
What is the measurement
on this first one here?

819
00:46:57,231 --> 00:46:58,774
More than 18 times that.

820
00:46:58,857 --> 00:47:02,528
-Okay. That seems like a lot, Sean.
-All right.

821
00:47:02,611 --> 00:47:04,696
-Let's dive right in.
-Okay.

822
00:47:04,780 --> 00:47:05,656
Mmm.

823
00:47:05,739 --> 00:47:07,115
Mmm. Mm.

824
00:47:07,199 --> 00:47:11,328
So… …how did you first meet Conan?

825
00:47:11,411 --> 00:47:15,541
Well, I met Conan when I was a member
of The Second City in Chicago.

826
00:47:15,624 --> 00:47:16,708
I was…

827
00:47:18,293 --> 00:47:20,963
It was right before
Conan took over for Letterman,

828
00:47:21,046 --> 00:47:22,548
and he was looking for writers.

829
00:47:22,631 --> 00:47:26,426
So Robert Smigel, Robert Smigel
said he was going to bring Conan

830
00:47:26,510 --> 00:47:29,471
to see me in the show at Second City,
and I was so excited.

831
00:47:29,555 --> 00:47:32,933
And-- This is the first wing.

832
00:47:33,016 --> 00:47:35,060
All right.

833
00:47:35,143 --> 00:47:36,895
That's not great. Okay, anyway…

834
00:47:38,897 --> 00:47:41,358
I was super psyched,
and I really dug down deep,

835
00:47:41,441 --> 00:47:43,569
and I gave the performance of a lifetime,

836
00:47:43,652 --> 00:47:44,945
because I knew I had to,

837
00:47:45,028 --> 00:47:47,698
because Conan O'Brien was out there.

838
00:47:47,781 --> 00:47:50,742
-So, what did he think?
-I don't know. He wasn't out there.

839
00:47:51,910 --> 00:47:54,037
He never showed up. He had a thing.

840
00:47:54,830 --> 00:47:57,374
-Next wing. Come on. Ticktock.
-All right, moving on.

841
00:47:57,457 --> 00:48:01,545
This is Los Calientes Rojo
with a Scoville rating of 49,000.

842
00:48:01,628 --> 00:48:02,671
Okay.

843
00:48:03,380 --> 00:48:04,631
Whoopedeedoo!

844
00:48:07,509 --> 00:48:11,013
So, was it then that you gave up
on working on Conan's show?

845
00:48:11,096 --> 00:48:12,472
No, I did not give up.

846
00:48:13,640 --> 00:48:15,976
At one point, I even flew to New York

847
00:48:16,059 --> 00:48:18,478
and sat outside of his office door
in 30 Rock,

848
00:48:18,562 --> 00:48:21,857
hoping to catch his eye
as he came out of a meeting.

849
00:48:21,940 --> 00:48:23,150
He never came out.

850
00:48:24,401 --> 00:48:25,944
Now, I know that sounds sad,

851
00:48:26,028 --> 00:48:28,864
but I want everyone to know
it also looks sad.

852
00:48:30,824 --> 00:48:31,783
And then you gave up?

853
00:48:31,867 --> 00:48:34,912
No. I submitted multiple writer's packets.

854
00:48:34,995 --> 00:48:36,496
I never heard back.

855
00:48:36,580 --> 00:48:37,831
But you know what?

856
00:48:38,624 --> 00:48:40,125
That's all in the past, Sean.

857
00:48:40,959 --> 00:48:42,920
I'm not a man who holds grudges.

858
00:48:43,587 --> 00:48:45,589
So tonight, I just want to say,

859
00:48:46,548 --> 00:48:48,550
Conan, what did you think of my packet?

860
00:48:50,177 --> 00:48:51,553
Did you ever read it?

861
00:48:51,637 --> 00:48:53,847
Did you ever--? Because I brought it.

862
00:48:53,931 --> 00:48:56,141
Do you have anything that reads floppies?

863
00:48:57,809 --> 00:48:59,436
I have it. I'm not joking.

864
00:49:03,982 --> 00:49:05,192
This was a bad idea.

865
00:49:05,275 --> 00:49:06,485
Are you okay, Stephen?

866
00:49:06,568 --> 00:49:09,196
-No, it's just really beginning to hit me.
-The wings?

867
00:49:09,279 --> 00:49:11,865
-No, that we're at The Kennedy Center.
-Okay.

868
00:49:17,746 --> 00:49:20,415
If you can gather yourself,
let's move on to the next wing.

869
00:49:20,499 --> 00:49:21,875
-Come on, let's go.
-All right.

870
00:49:21,959 --> 00:49:25,337
This one right here,
131,000 Scoville units.

871
00:49:25,420 --> 00:49:26,713
Yeah, okay, here we go.

872
00:49:26,797 --> 00:49:29,132
Mm. Mmm. All right.

873
00:49:30,676 --> 00:49:31,635
Mm. Mmm.

874
00:49:31,718 --> 00:49:35,389
So, Stephen, it seems like
Conan's opinion still means a lot to you.

875
00:49:35,472 --> 00:49:36,807
Of course it does.

876
00:49:37,683 --> 00:49:39,518
It's Conan fucking O'Brien.

877
00:49:40,060 --> 00:49:41,561
I'll have you know,

878
00:49:41,645 --> 00:49:44,398
he was the only two-time president
of the Harvard Lampoon.

879
00:49:44,481 --> 00:49:46,233
Do you know what that means?

880
00:49:46,316 --> 00:49:48,276
-No, what does that mean?
-I don't know.

881
00:49:48,360 --> 00:49:51,196
But it's on his Wikipedia page,
so someone cares.

882
00:49:52,197 --> 00:49:54,241
Let's keep going.
Wing me, bitch. Let's go.

883
00:49:54,324 --> 00:49:57,077
So, this is Da Bomb Beyond Insanity.

884
00:49:57,160 --> 00:50:00,455
It's a turning point in the show,
and a sauce you know all too well.

885
00:50:00,539 --> 00:50:03,333
-If you're ready. Let's go, Stephen.
-Okay. Let's go. Okay.

886
00:50:03,417 --> 00:50:05,502
Mm. Mm. Mm-hmm.

887
00:50:06,211 --> 00:50:07,045
Mmm.

888
00:50:07,879 --> 00:50:08,714
Amazing.

889
00:50:08,797 --> 00:50:10,257
No.

890
00:50:13,301 --> 00:50:15,303
What do you admire about Conan?

891
00:50:15,387 --> 00:50:18,015
Well, what's not to admire?

892
00:50:19,516 --> 00:50:21,685
-Oh, this one really sucks.
-Yeah.

893
00:50:29,484 --> 00:50:30,652
Whoo!

894
00:50:35,198 --> 00:50:38,744
Everything…
…not only is Conan a brilliant comedian,

895
00:50:39,411 --> 00:50:43,373
he gives everything he's got
to every bit he ever does.

896
00:50:43,457 --> 00:50:46,585
You know that extra gear that sometimes,
a couple times in your life,

897
00:50:46,668 --> 00:50:48,045
you have to dig down and find?

898
00:50:48,128 --> 00:50:49,546
That's Conan's only gear.

899
00:50:50,338 --> 00:50:52,716
When Conan commits to something,
he never backs down.

900
00:50:52,799 --> 00:50:55,802
Case in point,
when he accepted the Mark Twain Prize,

901
00:50:55,886 --> 00:50:57,804
this was a very different place.

902
00:50:58,930 --> 00:51:00,766
Today, they announced two board members,

903
00:51:00,849 --> 00:51:03,852
Bashar al-Assad and Skeletor,
but this man…

904
00:51:08,523 --> 00:51:10,275
All for you, Conan.

905
00:51:10,358 --> 00:51:11,443
Okay, Stephen.

906
00:51:13,028 --> 00:51:15,280
We've made it to the final wing.

907
00:51:15,363 --> 00:51:18,200
-God, make it end, Sean! Make it end!
-This is the last dab.

908
00:51:18,283 --> 00:51:23,747
This is a Scoville rating
of 2,693,000 units.

909
00:51:23,830 --> 00:51:25,707
You're just making shit up now.

910
00:51:28,376 --> 00:51:33,006
-Final question, let's go.
-All right, so, this is a big question.

911
00:51:33,090 --> 00:51:35,550
Who is Conan O'Brien?

912
00:51:36,051 --> 00:51:38,887
Conan O'Brien is pound for pound

913
00:51:39,596 --> 00:51:42,557
the funniest person on Earth
to spend time with.

914
00:51:43,141 --> 00:51:44,810
When he's on a roll, nothing better.

915
00:51:44,893 --> 00:51:48,313
When he's not on a roll,
he will not stop until he finds a roll.

916
00:51:49,272 --> 00:51:52,484
Conan will never leave a room
until he gets a big, real, genuine laugh,

917
00:51:52,567 --> 00:51:56,530
which makes him amazing at parties
and not so great at funerals.

918
00:51:58,490 --> 00:51:59,908
Speaking of funerals,

919
00:51:59,991 --> 00:52:03,578
I'm pretty sure mine is imminent.
Sean, thank you so much for doing this.

920
00:52:03,662 --> 00:52:05,789
Conan, I admire you, I learn from you,

921
00:52:05,872 --> 00:52:09,668
and I love you almost
as much as I hate Sean right now.

922
00:52:10,377 --> 00:52:11,670
To Conan O'Brien.

923
00:52:11,753 --> 00:52:14,214
You're my hero.

924
00:52:22,639 --> 00:52:25,684
Your next presenter is so successful

925
00:52:25,767 --> 00:52:29,980
that he pays
for all his abortions in cash.

926
00:52:30,063 --> 00:52:35,819
Please welcome Tracy Morgan!

927
00:52:35,902 --> 00:52:37,445
Oh yes!

928
00:52:37,946 --> 00:52:39,823
Good evening, Kennedy Center.

929
00:52:40,323 --> 00:52:43,577
Tonight, we honor a dude
that has been an incredible friend to me.

930
00:52:44,161 --> 00:52:47,372
He and I have led
remarkably similar lives.

931
00:52:47,455 --> 00:52:49,833
He worked on SNL for years,

932
00:52:49,916 --> 00:52:52,210
I worked on SNL for years.

933
00:52:52,294 --> 00:52:54,462
He had a show on NBC for years,

934
00:52:54,546 --> 00:52:56,715
I had a show on NBC for years.

935
00:52:56,798 --> 00:52:59,467
He graduated Valedictorian from Harvard,

936
00:52:59,551 --> 00:53:01,761
I had a show on NBC for years.

937
00:53:03,513 --> 00:53:07,017
Conan interviewed me
over 50 times on his show,

938
00:53:07,100 --> 00:53:09,769
and every single time was incredible.

939
00:53:09,853 --> 00:53:12,314
His show was always much fun.

940
00:53:13,273 --> 00:53:15,483
Conan and I bonded immediately

941
00:53:15,567 --> 00:53:18,945
'cause we both grew up
dreaming about being on television.

942
00:53:19,029 --> 00:53:21,781
I used to stay inside and watch television

943
00:53:21,865 --> 00:53:23,825
because I lived in the projects
in the Bronx,

944
00:53:23,909 --> 00:53:25,410
and I didn't want to get shot.

945
00:53:26,578 --> 00:53:29,664
Conan, on the other hand,
would stay inside and watch TV

946
00:53:29,748 --> 00:53:32,500
because he wasn't allowed
to go out in the sun.

947
00:53:35,378 --> 00:53:36,838
I'm not exaggerating.

948
00:53:36,922 --> 00:53:39,966
I truly, truly love Conan.

949
00:53:41,092 --> 00:53:42,427
You mean much to me, man.

950
00:53:43,553 --> 00:53:46,765
All he and I want to do
is make people laugh.

951
00:53:47,432 --> 00:53:49,184
That's what bonds us.

952
00:53:49,267 --> 00:53:51,186
It doesn't matter what color we are,

953
00:53:51,269 --> 00:53:54,105
Black, brown, white,
or whatever color he is.

954
00:53:54,189 --> 00:53:56,316
I don't know.

955
00:53:56,399 --> 00:53:58,860
I have a daughter,
and for one of her birthdays,

956
00:53:58,944 --> 00:54:02,405
I got her Crayola crayons, 150-pack,

957
00:54:02,489 --> 00:54:04,616
and Conan's color is not in there.

958
00:54:06,117 --> 00:54:07,911
It doesn't exist in nature.

959
00:54:10,497 --> 00:54:15,168
Conan, I appreciate all the comedy magic
we've made over the years.

960
00:54:15,877 --> 00:54:18,588
You're an absolute giant
in the world of comedy,

961
00:54:18,672 --> 00:54:20,715
and I consider you my brother.

962
00:54:20,799 --> 00:54:23,635
And after a lifetime of making us laugh,

963
00:54:23,718 --> 00:54:26,137
whether it was on SNL or The Simpsons,

964
00:54:26,221 --> 00:54:29,057
you, of all people,
deserve to finally receive

965
00:54:29,140 --> 00:54:32,310
tonight's J.D. Power and Associates Award

966
00:54:32,936 --> 00:54:35,480
for Best Mid-Size Sedan.

967
00:54:37,565 --> 00:54:39,150
I love you, C-Boogie.

968
00:54:44,447 --> 00:54:47,075
Conan to comedy is like rock and roll.

969
00:54:47,158 --> 00:54:49,369
You want to be a part
of that rock and roll.

970
00:54:49,452 --> 00:54:52,747
I've never seen him do anything hacky.
When he hosted the Oscars,

971
00:54:52,831 --> 00:54:54,708
the opening monologue was brilliant,

972
00:54:54,791 --> 00:54:56,459
and it's a really thankless job,

973
00:54:56,543 --> 00:54:59,254
and it takes a lot of guts to do that job.

974
00:54:59,337 --> 00:55:00,922
I thought he did such a great job.

975
00:55:04,217 --> 00:55:06,594
I'm going to pitch
Dave & Buster's next door.

976
00:55:06,678 --> 00:55:07,971
Conan feeds his meter.

977
00:55:08,054 --> 00:55:10,348
That's you two, just as--

978
00:55:10,432 --> 00:55:12,142
Hey!

979
00:55:14,853 --> 00:55:17,272
All right, let's go over the Oscar team.

980
00:55:17,355 --> 00:55:19,899
-I asked you to memorize all the notes.
-Of course.

981
00:55:19,983 --> 00:55:24,279
The writers' room is this very weird,
surreal place

982
00:55:24,362 --> 00:55:28,241
where somehow people get paid
to say and write funny things

983
00:55:28,325 --> 00:55:30,702
that eventually might sell Volkswagen ads.

984
00:55:30,785 --> 00:55:33,621
I laugh my ass off every day.

985
00:55:33,705 --> 00:55:34,914
It's just chaos.

986
00:55:34,998 --> 00:55:39,085
I love it when you guys write material

987
00:55:39,169 --> 00:55:42,130
because I feast like a king!

988
00:55:43,882 --> 00:55:47,135
No idea is going to get by Conan
that isn't exceptional.

989
00:55:47,218 --> 00:55:49,596
There's so many ways this can go

990
00:55:49,679 --> 00:55:52,640
that we should just generate
a bunch of possibilities.

991
00:55:52,724 --> 00:55:55,435
And then see which one we like the most.

992
00:55:55,518 --> 00:55:59,064
The only way to solve it is get the one
where we all go, "That's funny."

993
00:55:59,147 --> 00:56:02,150
Instead of doing stand-up,
he found himself in these writers' rooms,

994
00:56:02,233 --> 00:56:05,695
and he would just kind of take over
and perform for them.

995
00:56:06,196 --> 00:56:10,075
Dana Carvey said something on one
of the last episodes of the TBS show,

996
00:56:10,158 --> 00:56:14,329
which is, "You went from
the funniest man in the writers' room

997
00:56:14,412 --> 00:56:16,164
to the funniest man in America."

998
00:56:17,874 --> 00:56:21,795
-Jesus, what a fucking ass!
-I know!

999
00:56:21,878 --> 00:56:24,297
-He is, right?
-Oh my God!

1000
00:56:24,381 --> 00:56:26,216
-Fucking insulting.
-The most toxic!

1001
00:56:26,299 --> 00:56:28,635
-So condescending.
-Unbelievable!

1002
00:56:28,718 --> 00:56:30,887
Did you guys see
when he was like so racist?

1003
00:56:30,970 --> 00:56:32,972
-Yes!
-Yeah!

1004
00:56:35,642 --> 00:56:37,477
Please welcome an outstanding actor

1005
00:56:37,560 --> 00:56:41,898
who for eight years portrayed a man
who thought carpool karaoke was funny,

1006
00:56:42,399 --> 00:56:44,818
Mr. Reggie Watts!

1007
00:57:00,208 --> 00:57:02,001
Where you goin'?

1008
00:57:02,085 --> 00:57:04,963
Got so much goin' on in your mind

1009
00:57:05,046 --> 00:57:08,925
Bringin' joy every single time, yeah

1010
00:57:09,008 --> 00:57:12,637
You're crazy like a cat in an alley

1011
00:57:12,720 --> 00:57:17,016
Been startled by somethin'
It's not expectin', yeah

1012
00:57:17,809 --> 00:57:20,728
There's nobody plottin' things

1013
00:57:20,812 --> 00:57:25,483
So you're fine

1014
00:57:26,776 --> 00:57:28,403
Somebody's gettin' you down

1015
00:57:28,486 --> 00:57:31,030
You just don't know what
Don't know why

1016
00:57:31,114 --> 00:57:34,325
Baby, Conan, Conan, yeah, Conan

1017
00:57:34,409 --> 00:57:38,621
You're such a beautiful man
Yeah, Conan

1018
00:57:38,705 --> 00:57:41,875
You're such a beautiful human

1019
00:57:41,958 --> 00:57:45,420
Conan, you're such a beautiful man

1020
00:57:45,503 --> 00:57:46,671
Yeah, Conan

1021
00:57:46,754 --> 00:57:49,424
You're such a beautiful human

1022
00:57:49,507 --> 00:57:50,842
Conan

1023
00:57:50,925 --> 00:57:55,972
You're such a beautiful man, Conan

1024
00:57:56,055 --> 00:58:02,270
Conan, human, yeah
It's you, man

1025
00:58:02,353 --> 00:58:03,313
Yeah, you, man

1026
00:58:03,396 --> 00:58:06,649
Look what you are
Look at all these people that love you

1027
00:58:06,733 --> 00:58:09,444
So, um, one of the…

1028
00:58:10,862 --> 00:58:12,989
Thank you. Thank you very much.

1029
00:58:14,532 --> 00:58:18,119
Um, Conan chose me to be his opening act
on his one and only,

1030
00:58:18,203 --> 00:58:21,706
who knows, maybe there'll be another one,
uh, live tour.

1031
00:58:21,789 --> 00:58:24,751
Uh, he stays grounded,
was always joking with everybody,

1032
00:58:24,834 --> 00:58:27,587
took the time to hang out with me
inside my room,

1033
00:58:27,670 --> 00:58:31,090
and I was like, "Wow,
this guy knows how to do it."

1034
00:58:31,174 --> 00:58:34,385
"He knows how to live life,
and stay grounded, connected to his fans."

1035
00:58:34,469 --> 00:58:40,266
Uh, thank you for taking the time
to trust me and have good instincts,

1036
00:58:40,350 --> 00:58:44,270
and……for really
just kind of like showing me,

1037
00:58:44,354 --> 00:58:47,232
being crazy and being who you are,
and being grounded,

1038
00:58:47,315 --> 00:58:50,109
and not letting that affect you
your entire career.

1039
00:58:50,193 --> 00:58:54,239
That's incredibly important,
and that's a good lesson for all artists.

1040
00:58:54,322 --> 00:58:57,909
So from the bottom of my heart,
thank you so much, Conan.

1041
00:58:57,992 --> 00:59:01,246
Thank you. Thanks, everybody.
Thanks, Kennedy Center. Stay Kennedy.

1042
00:59:07,460 --> 00:59:11,798
Our next presenter
has made over $3 billion at the box office

1043
00:59:11,881 --> 00:59:15,301
and spent it all
on his wardrobe at Foot Locker.

1044
00:59:15,385 --> 00:59:20,390
Give it up for Adam Sandler!

1045
00:59:20,473 --> 00:59:21,474
Yeah, Triumph!

1046
00:59:23,309 --> 00:59:24,435
Good evening.

1047
00:59:25,270 --> 00:59:26,896
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

1048
00:59:26,980 --> 00:59:30,066
Hello to all the Kennedys,
Rockefellers, Vanderbilts,

1049
00:59:30,149 --> 00:59:32,402
and finely-dressed seat fillers.

1050
00:59:33,486 --> 00:59:37,365
My name is Adam Sandler,
and here is your cue to go nuts.

1051
00:59:37,448 --> 00:59:39,200
Let's fucking go. Come on now.

1052
00:59:39,284 --> 00:59:41,286
I appreciate that. Respect.

1053
00:59:41,369 --> 00:59:42,954
Respect. Thank you.

1054
00:59:43,037 --> 00:59:47,000
I have one simple favor to ask of you
quietly rich people tonight.

1055
00:59:47,750 --> 00:59:51,254
When I point at you with my left hand,
you say the word "Conan."

1056
00:59:51,337 --> 00:59:53,089
Let's try it out right now.

1057
00:59:53,172 --> 00:59:55,216
-Conan!
-Another time.

1058
00:59:55,300 --> 00:59:56,718
Conan!

1059
00:59:56,801 --> 00:59:58,761
Now let the festivities begin.

1060
00:59:59,304 --> 01:00:03,016
We are gathered here tonight
in our nation's capital to honor one man.

1061
01:00:03,099 --> 01:00:03,933
Conan!

1062
01:00:04,017 --> 01:00:07,562
When I received this prestigious
Mark Twain prize two years ago,

1063
01:00:07,645 --> 01:00:11,858
I figured they were done giving them out,
but I guess not because of a dude named…

1064
01:00:11,941 --> 01:00:13,943
-Conan!
-Funny as hell.

1065
01:00:14,027 --> 01:00:15,778
-Conan!
-Friend to the poor.

1066
01:00:15,862 --> 01:00:19,032
-Conan!
-Eight-foot four inches and counting.

1067
01:00:19,115 --> 01:00:19,949
Conan!

1068
01:00:20,033 --> 01:00:22,410
Puts on sunscreen
before he lights a candle.

1069
01:00:22,493 --> 01:00:23,328
Conan!

1070
01:00:23,411 --> 01:00:27,915
Went to Harvard, but never brings it up
except when arguing with his wife, Liza.

1071
01:00:27,999 --> 01:00:29,083
Conan!

1072
01:00:29,167 --> 01:00:32,587
Looks like if one of the Little Rascals
grew up in Chernobyl.

1073
01:00:32,670 --> 01:00:34,213
Conan!

1074
01:00:34,297 --> 01:00:37,675
So Irish, his nipples are shaped
like four-leaf clovers.

1075
01:00:37,759 --> 01:00:39,052
Conan!

1076
01:00:39,135 --> 01:00:42,930
So Irish, his skid marks
taste remarkably like shamrock shakes.

1077
01:00:43,014 --> 01:00:43,848
Conan!

1078
01:00:43,931 --> 01:00:47,352
Bright red hair was the true cause
of the Palisades fire.

1079
01:00:47,435 --> 01:00:51,981
Stayed in his mama's womb for a
record-breaking tummy stretch at 14 ERs.

1080
01:00:52,065 --> 01:00:52,899
Conan!

1081
01:00:52,982 --> 01:00:55,777
Has pubic hair
that makes his dick look like Ed Sheeran.

1082
01:00:55,860 --> 01:00:56,694
Conan!

1083
01:00:56,778 --> 01:00:59,697
Has pubic hair
that makes his dick look like Pennywise.

1084
01:00:59,781 --> 01:01:00,615
Conan!

1085
01:01:00,698 --> 01:01:03,201
In the summer
has so many freckles on his--

1086
01:01:03,701 --> 01:01:05,995
In the summer,
has so many freckles on his dick

1087
01:01:06,079 --> 01:01:08,456
that it looks like Ron Howard
is hugging Tom Sawyer.

1088
01:01:08,539 --> 01:01:10,833
-Mark Twain reference.
-Conan!

1089
01:01:10,917 --> 01:01:14,504
Has 12 Kids' Choice Awards
and 15 MTV Awards.

1090
01:01:14,587 --> 01:01:17,382
-Conan!
-Nope, that's actually the Sandman.

1091
01:01:19,050 --> 01:01:23,721
In fact, if I point with my right hand
from now on, let's say "Sandman."

1092
01:01:23,805 --> 01:01:25,807
Let's try that out quickly.

1093
01:01:25,890 --> 01:01:27,642
-Sandman!
-And…

1094
01:01:27,725 --> 01:01:29,310
-Conan!
-And…

1095
01:01:29,394 --> 01:01:30,812
-Sandman!
-And…

1096
01:01:30,895 --> 01:01:31,729
Sandman!

1097
01:01:31,813 --> 01:01:33,106
-And…
-Sandman!

1098
01:01:33,189 --> 01:01:34,899
Okay, now let's move forward.

1099
01:01:35,692 --> 01:01:38,945
Takes his shirt off,
and all the ladies swoon.

1100
01:01:39,028 --> 01:01:39,946
Sandman!

1101
01:01:40,029 --> 01:01:42,615
Takes his shirt off,
and the skin comes with it.

1102
01:01:42,699 --> 01:01:43,533
Conan!

1103
01:01:43,616 --> 01:01:45,535
Famous…

1104
01:01:45,618 --> 01:01:48,830
…famous for wearing
long, silky basketball shorts.

1105
01:01:48,913 --> 01:01:49,914
Sandman!

1106
01:01:49,997 --> 01:01:53,626
Famous for having long fuzzy balls
hang out his tighty-whities.

1107
01:01:53,710 --> 01:01:54,544
Conan!

1108
01:01:54,627 --> 01:01:57,463
-Gets mistaken for a young James Caan.
-Sandman!

1109
01:01:57,547 --> 01:02:01,801
Gets mistaken for one of them giant
blow-up thingies outside a car dealership.

1110
01:02:01,884 --> 01:02:03,469
Conan!

1111
01:02:04,262 --> 01:02:05,680
Incredible actor.

1112
01:02:05,763 --> 01:02:06,889
Sandman!

1113
01:02:06,973 --> 01:02:08,433
Incurable acne.

1114
01:02:08,516 --> 01:02:09,726
Conan!

1115
01:02:09,809 --> 01:02:13,146
Can walk in and get a table
at any restaurant in the world.

1116
01:02:13,229 --> 01:02:14,063
Sandman!

1117
01:02:14,147 --> 01:02:16,858
Can walk in and get a table
at Panda Express in the mall

1118
01:02:16,941 --> 01:02:18,901
if he gets there a half hour early.

1119
01:02:19,485 --> 01:02:22,029
And to be honest,
on Fridays it's still iffy.

1120
01:02:22,113 --> 01:02:23,406
Conan!

1121
01:02:23,489 --> 01:02:26,367
Has his handprints
on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

1122
01:02:26,451 --> 01:02:29,203
-Sandman!
-Has his uncle's handprints on his ass.

1123
01:02:29,287 --> 01:02:30,872
Conan!

1124
01:02:31,456 --> 01:02:34,208
Can grow a full beard in three hours flat.

1125
01:02:34,292 --> 01:02:35,251
Sandman!

1126
01:02:35,334 --> 01:02:37,795
Spent three months on a beard
only for his kids to say,

1127
01:02:37,879 --> 01:02:40,465
"Dad, did you just eat
some Flamin' Hot Cheetos?"

1128
01:02:40,548 --> 01:02:41,382
Conan!

1129
01:02:41,466 --> 01:02:44,135
-Values his privacy.
-Sandman!

1130
01:02:44,218 --> 01:02:50,767
-Phone number is 917-664-765…
-Conan!

1131
01:02:50,850 --> 01:02:53,728
Call him whenever you want,
the later the better.

1132
01:02:54,395 --> 01:02:55,938
Comedic genius.

1133
01:02:56,022 --> 01:02:56,939
Sandman!

1134
01:02:57,023 --> 01:02:58,399
Comedic penis.

1135
01:02:58,483 --> 01:02:59,859
Conan!

1136
01:02:59,942 --> 01:03:04,197
Finally, is married to a gorgeous woman
way out of his league.

1137
01:03:04,280 --> 01:03:05,573
Sandman and Conan!

1138
01:03:05,656 --> 01:03:07,950
Yes, that is the both of us.

1139
01:03:08,034 --> 01:03:08,993
Love you, Liza.

1140
01:03:09,619 --> 01:03:10,745
Love you, Jackie.

1141
01:03:11,370 --> 01:03:13,331
Thank you for the charity work.

1142
01:03:14,499 --> 01:03:16,918
But, seriously, Conan,
this is the nice part.

1143
01:03:17,001 --> 01:03:19,337
You're one of the funniest guys,
we all know that.

1144
01:03:19,420 --> 01:03:23,424
I remember when Lorne, you know,
was in charge of finding the next host.

1145
01:03:23,508 --> 01:03:25,343
And right when they said Conan,

1146
01:03:25,885 --> 01:03:30,264
I swear to God, every fucking guy,
every comedian, there was no jealousy.

1147
01:03:30,348 --> 01:03:32,683
We were like, "Fuck yeah,
he's the best, man."

1148
01:03:32,767 --> 01:03:36,395
You're faster than all of us,
you're nicer than all of us,

1149
01:03:36,479 --> 01:03:39,232
and I'm so happy
this life was yours, buddy.

1150
01:03:39,315 --> 01:03:40,817
It's awesome. Uh…

1151
01:03:41,651 --> 01:03:44,070
You bring out the best of us, Conie.

1152
01:03:44,153 --> 01:03:47,031
I'm glad to know you,
glad to know your great family.

1153
01:03:47,114 --> 01:03:48,032
I love you all.

1154
01:03:48,115 --> 01:03:50,993
And I'm glad the world loves you
as much as I do.

1155
01:03:51,077 --> 01:03:52,578
Long live…

1156
01:03:52,662 --> 01:03:54,247
Conan!

1157
01:04:01,128 --> 01:04:04,131
Oh yes, our final guest,

1158
01:04:04,215 --> 01:04:07,969
who'd be in Indiana right now,
shoveling horse shit,

1159
01:04:08,052 --> 01:04:11,931
but he chose to be here with Conan,

1160
01:04:12,014 --> 01:04:15,726
please welcome the one, the only,

1161
01:04:15,810 --> 01:04:21,440
David Letterman!

1162
01:04:40,751 --> 01:04:42,378
Thank you, everyone.

1163
01:04:43,462 --> 01:04:44,297
Thank you.

1164
01:04:45,131 --> 01:04:48,050
Uh, you have to learn something
as you grow in life.

1165
01:04:48,134 --> 01:04:51,178
And this evening, and forgive me,
this is my takeaway,

1166
01:04:51,262 --> 01:04:53,389
and maybe I'm late to this party,

1167
01:04:53,472 --> 01:04:56,309
but the thing that I've learned now,

1168
01:04:56,392 --> 01:04:59,186
there's something surprising,

1169
01:04:59,687 --> 01:05:01,522
uh, not unpleasant,

1170
01:05:01,606 --> 01:05:05,985
and awkwardly appealing
about a certain part of Conan's face.

1171
01:05:06,068 --> 01:05:07,028
I just learned that.

1172
01:05:12,491 --> 01:05:16,495
And then I heard freckles on his dick,
so I had to come right out.

1173
01:05:20,833 --> 01:05:22,668
Uh, the Mark Twain Prize.

1174
01:05:22,752 --> 01:05:26,047
Oh my God, let me just say one thing,
and I'm not a historian,

1175
01:05:26,130 --> 01:05:28,633
but I believe that history will show,

1176
01:05:28,716 --> 01:05:32,261
this will have been
the most entertaining gathering

1177
01:05:32,345 --> 01:05:34,388
of the resistance ever.

1178
01:05:44,690 --> 01:05:46,817
I just want to say a couple of things.

1179
01:05:46,901 --> 01:05:49,820
Yes, I could have been in Indiana,
shoveling shit.

1180
01:05:51,113 --> 01:05:52,740
Now is just about the time of year

1181
01:05:52,823 --> 01:05:54,909
when you get most
of your shit-shoveling done.

1182
01:05:54,992 --> 01:05:58,287
But I said, no, I'd rather be
here with Conan than shovel shit,

1183
01:05:58,371 --> 01:06:00,915
and I stand by that, ladies and gentlemen.

1184
01:06:07,713 --> 01:06:12,218
We're here tonight
to honor a writer, performer,

1185
01:06:12,301 --> 01:06:15,429
and fierce climate denier, Conan O'Brien.

1186
01:06:17,223 --> 01:06:19,183
I believe there is no one better suited

1187
01:06:19,266 --> 01:06:22,228
for the Mark Twain Prize
than Conan O'Brien,

1188
01:06:22,311 --> 01:06:24,021
because like Mark Twain,

1189
01:06:24,105 --> 01:06:26,983
Conan is first and foremost a writer.

1190
01:06:27,066 --> 01:06:29,235
Also like Mark Twain,

1191
01:06:29,318 --> 01:06:31,904
Conan once tricked me
into painting his fence.

1192
01:06:31,988 --> 01:06:32,822
People…

1193
01:06:39,245 --> 01:06:42,373
Of everyone in the room tonight,
I'm confident in saying this.

1194
01:06:42,456 --> 01:06:47,503
I believe I'm the one
who looks most like Mark Twain…

1195
01:06:52,299 --> 01:06:54,135
…looks now.

1196
01:06:58,139 --> 01:07:00,850
Our honoree is not only a talk show host,

1197
01:07:00,933 --> 01:07:03,978
he was a writer for SNL and The Simpsons,

1198
01:07:04,061 --> 01:07:07,565
he's hosted travel shows
and the Academy Awards.

1199
01:07:10,693 --> 01:07:14,697
Conan, what is it like to be asked
to host the Academy Awards a second time?

1200
01:07:18,325 --> 01:07:21,245
You know, when Conan was chosen
to be the host of Late Night,

1201
01:07:21,328 --> 01:07:23,748
everyone was asking,
"Well, who is this guy?"

1202
01:07:23,831 --> 01:07:27,501
"How did he get this show?
Why is he so pale? Is he sickly?"

1203
01:07:29,003 --> 01:07:31,130
"Is he getting enough vitamin C?"

1204
01:07:31,714 --> 01:07:33,632
"Is he an abnormally tall child,

1205
01:07:33,716 --> 01:07:36,552
or a normal-sized man
that looks like a child?"

1206
01:07:36,635 --> 01:07:37,762
"Is he anemic?"

1207
01:07:39,889 --> 01:07:43,476
Well, with previews like that,
I, of course, had to tune into the show,

1208
01:07:43,559 --> 01:07:46,979
and when I watched Conan
on the Late Night program,

1209
01:07:47,063 --> 01:07:49,315
what I saw was a very funny show.

1210
01:07:49,857 --> 01:07:51,525
Uh, they took great risks.

1211
01:07:51,609 --> 01:07:54,987
The comedy was peculiar in the best way.

1212
01:07:55,071 --> 01:07:58,324
It was silly, absurd, and smart.

1213
01:07:58,407 --> 01:08:01,327
All of which, not an easy combination.

1214
01:08:01,410 --> 01:08:04,330
In those days,
there was nothing like it on television.

1215
01:08:04,413 --> 01:08:08,125
Here now is the moment I knew firsthand

1216
01:08:08,209 --> 01:08:12,046
that Conan was a great choice
to be the host of Late Night.

1217
01:08:12,838 --> 01:08:14,131
I want to ask you something.

1218
01:08:14,215 --> 01:08:16,801
This is a question
that people wouldn't expect,

1219
01:08:16,884 --> 01:08:19,136
but when I first got this job,

1220
01:08:19,220 --> 01:08:21,222
I came here to 30 Rock.

1221
01:08:21,305 --> 01:08:23,599
How did you get this job, by the way?

1222
01:08:24,975 --> 01:08:26,977
Was it a theme-writing contest?

1223
01:08:27,061 --> 01:08:29,647
-Yes. Yes.
-Yeah.

1224
01:08:29,730 --> 01:08:34,485
It was a what-would-I-do-with-a-talk-show,
and I was fourth. Uh…

1225
01:08:37,863 --> 01:08:40,491
That's right. "I was fourth."

1226
01:08:41,075 --> 01:08:44,120
That's when I knew
the kid was the real deal.

1227
01:08:44,203 --> 01:08:48,415
Conan is now no longer, in his own words,
the guy who shouldn't be here.

1228
01:08:48,499 --> 01:08:52,461
He is the guy we are honoring tonight
with the Mark Twain Prize.

1229
01:08:52,545 --> 01:08:55,673
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome The Interrupter,

1230
01:08:55,756 --> 01:08:57,883
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog,

1231
01:08:57,967 --> 01:09:00,928
the FedEx Pope, the masturbating bear,

1232
01:09:01,011 --> 01:09:02,721
and Jordan Schlansky.

1233
01:09:15,276 --> 01:09:16,360
Now, it is a true honor

1234
01:09:16,443 --> 01:09:20,948
to present the 26th Mark Twain Prize
for American Humor

1235
01:09:21,031 --> 01:09:23,951
to our good friend, Conan O'Brien.

1236
01:09:24,034 --> 01:09:25,161
Conan.

1237
01:09:45,848 --> 01:09:46,849
Thank you.

1238
01:09:47,850 --> 01:09:49,101
Thank you very much.

1239
01:09:50,436 --> 01:09:51,520
Please.

1240
01:09:54,106 --> 01:09:54,982
Um…

1241
01:09:55,065 --> 01:09:56,483
To be…

1242
01:09:56,567 --> 01:09:59,403
-I love you, Conan!
-I love you too, sir. Uh…

1243
01:10:02,406 --> 01:10:05,951
To be handed this award
by David Letterman is,

1244
01:10:06,035 --> 01:10:09,246
uh, to be honest,
very hard for me to comprehend.

1245
01:10:09,330 --> 01:10:12,917
And I need to put this in context,
so you will understand.

1246
01:10:14,418 --> 01:10:16,253
The year is 1987,

1247
01:10:17,046 --> 01:10:19,298
and I'm living in Los Angeles.

1248
01:10:19,882 --> 01:10:22,426
I'm only two years out of college,

1249
01:10:22,509 --> 01:10:24,011
and I'm unemployed.

1250
01:10:24,553 --> 01:10:29,433
My partner Greg and I had just lost
our first job writing for television,

1251
01:10:29,934 --> 01:10:33,229
and I am sitting alone in a Du-par's diner

1252
01:10:33,729 --> 01:10:35,356
on Wilshire Boulevard,

1253
01:10:35,439 --> 01:10:37,816
eating pancakes very slowly

1254
01:10:37,900 --> 01:10:41,320
at one in the afternoon
to try and fill out the entire day.

1255
01:10:41,403 --> 01:10:43,239
My burning ambition…

1256
01:10:43,322 --> 01:10:45,491
…I believe my destiny,

1257
01:10:46,200 --> 01:10:48,410
is to write for Dave's Late Night show.

1258
01:10:49,495 --> 01:10:52,248
And I have just heard
from their head writer

1259
01:10:52,331 --> 01:10:55,960
that the only open slot
has already been filled,

1260
01:10:56,502 --> 01:10:58,170
and there will be no job.

1261
01:10:58,671 --> 01:11:02,216
Feels like a steel door had come down.

1262
01:11:03,008 --> 01:11:06,762
I had no idea what is gonna become of me.

1263
01:11:07,263 --> 01:11:13,477
Now imagine that suddenly
some angel from the future appears

1264
01:11:13,560 --> 01:11:16,355
and tells me that 40 years from now

1265
01:11:17,439 --> 01:11:21,944
I'm gonna be on stage
at The Kennedy Center in Washington,

1266
01:11:23,279 --> 01:11:26,156
and that the most
prestigious award in comedy

1267
01:11:26,907 --> 01:11:28,867
is gonna be handed to me

1268
01:11:29,451 --> 01:11:31,412
by David Letterman.

1269
01:11:33,289 --> 01:11:34,123
I…

1270
01:11:47,344 --> 01:11:50,931
I would have stared at that angel
in utter shock

1271
01:11:51,682 --> 01:11:53,267
and said, "Wait a minute."

1272
01:11:54,143 --> 01:11:56,895
"David Letterman is still alive?"

1273
01:12:00,983 --> 01:12:03,193
"Forty years from now?"

1274
01:12:04,737 --> 01:12:07,531
"He's 20 years older than me!"

1275
01:12:08,824 --> 01:12:10,784
"God, how does he look?"

1276
01:12:13,370 --> 01:12:17,416
The angel would say, "He's got a beard."
I'd say, "Is it trim and fashionable?"

1277
01:12:17,499 --> 01:12:22,129
Angel would say,
"No! It's really white and crazy long."

1278
01:12:23,505 --> 01:12:27,676
"Imagine if Dostoevsky was panhandling
for gold in the Yukon."

1279
01:12:32,639 --> 01:12:34,516
What are you doing, man?

1280
01:12:39,104 --> 01:12:44,109
So you have to understand
that what just transpired for me

1281
01:12:44,193 --> 01:12:47,112
was an Oppenheimer at Los Alamos moment.

1282
01:12:47,196 --> 01:12:49,823
And before I go any further,

1283
01:12:49,907 --> 01:12:53,160
I have to give thanks first to my parents

1284
01:12:53,243 --> 01:12:56,622
who missed witnessing this
by three months.

1285
01:12:56,705 --> 01:12:59,958
They would have absolutely loved this.

1286
01:13:00,542 --> 01:13:02,920
Uh, to my beautiful
and talented wife, Liza.

1287
01:13:03,962 --> 01:13:05,381
And-- Yes.

1288
01:13:07,299 --> 01:13:12,846
And to my patient
and perpetually unimpressed children,

1289
01:13:12,930 --> 01:13:16,141
Neve and Beckett,
who are so much smarter than me.

1290
01:13:24,483 --> 01:13:27,444
They honestly don't get it,
and they're not wrong.

1291
01:13:29,154 --> 01:13:33,534
I wanna thank this band,
Max Weinberg and The Max Weinberg 7.

1292
01:13:38,330 --> 01:13:42,543
I wanna thank all the insanely generous
and talented speakers

1293
01:13:42,626 --> 01:13:46,213
who flew to D.C. on my behalf
for this evening.

1294
01:13:46,296 --> 01:13:48,382
I will never recover from this.

1295
01:13:48,465 --> 01:13:51,593
It is what my people call a mitzvah and I…

1296
01:13:55,472 --> 01:13:57,850
My people borrow stuff we like, uh…

1297
01:14:01,311 --> 01:14:04,106
And a special thanks
to all the beautiful people

1298
01:14:04,189 --> 01:14:07,901
who have worked here
at The Kennedy Center for years,

1299
01:14:08,402 --> 01:14:12,156
and who are worried
about what the future might bring.

1300
01:14:12,239 --> 01:14:17,619
My eternal thanks
for their selfless devotion to the arts.

1301
01:14:17,703 --> 01:14:19,621
And I think we should all…

1302
01:14:36,180 --> 01:14:37,639
That was plenty, uh…

1303
01:14:39,933 --> 01:14:42,853
There are so many, many people to thank,

1304
01:14:42,936 --> 01:14:45,814
and this is always
where these speeches go south,

1305
01:14:45,898 --> 01:14:48,358
because you have to thank
all these people.

1306
01:14:48,442 --> 01:14:49,526
You have to.

1307
01:14:49,610 --> 01:14:51,069
It's the rule.

1308
01:14:51,778 --> 01:14:53,530
But then it takes forever.

1309
01:14:54,198 --> 01:14:57,367
So I had an idea to thank everyone
as quickly as possible.

1310
01:14:57,451 --> 01:15:02,372
Please welcome professional
livestock auctioneer Robert Strickler.

1311
01:15:02,456 --> 01:15:03,790
Let's get him out here.

1312
01:15:06,126 --> 01:15:08,754
Thank you, Neil,
Luke, Kate, and Jane O'Brien.

1313
01:15:08,837 --> 01:15:10,422
They were here from the beginning.

1314
01:15:10,506 --> 01:15:12,883
Monty for the Reardons,
Lorne Michaels, Mike Sweeney,

1315
01:15:12,966 --> 01:15:15,969
Jeff Ross, Robert Smigel,
Greg Daniels, Sona Movsesian.

1316
01:15:16,053 --> 01:15:17,763
At my lowest, they lifted me up.

1317
01:15:17,846 --> 01:15:20,182
Amy Lippman, Rodman Flender,
Rick Ludwin, Rick Rosen,

1318
01:15:20,265 --> 01:15:23,727
Gavin Polone, Ari Emanuel, Lee Brecken.
They believed in me when I didn't.

1319
01:15:23,810 --> 01:15:27,314
Sarah Wicks, Paula Davis, Steve Coogan,
Lisa Kudrow, Aaron, and Judy Daniels,

1320
01:15:27,397 --> 01:15:30,359
Jonathan Groff, Bob Odenkirk didn't help,
but is recognizable.

1321
01:15:30,442 --> 01:15:33,362
Matt O'Brien, David Hopping,
Adam Sachs, Nina Rosenstein,

1322
01:15:33,445 --> 01:15:36,907
Erica Brown, Jason Klamm,
Andy Richter was my rock, by my side.

1323
01:15:36,990 --> 01:15:38,951
Mike Reese, Al Jean,
Jeff Martin, Sam Simon,

1324
01:15:39,034 --> 01:15:41,954
Matt Groening, James Brooks, Pat Lee,
Don Moffitt, Bob and Ginny,

1325
01:15:42,037 --> 01:15:44,790
Monty Python, Warner Bros. cartoons,
Pink Panther movies.

1326
01:15:44,873 --> 01:15:48,544
Words can't express how much you mean,
I'll owe them all my eternal gratitude.

1327
01:15:48,627 --> 01:15:52,256
And finally, two-year-old,
1,200-pound Guernsey heifer.

1328
01:15:52,339 --> 01:15:56,510
She's been with me from the beginning.
3,000, 3,500.

1329
01:15:56,593 --> 01:15:58,679
I'm…

1330
01:15:58,762 --> 01:16:00,305
Forty-five, 5,000.

1331
01:16:00,389 --> 01:16:02,140
I'm…

1332
01:16:02,224 --> 01:16:04,268
Six thousand, 6,500.

1333
01:16:04,351 --> 01:16:06,186
I'm……seventy-five.

1334
01:16:08,689 --> 01:16:12,150
Sold it. In the back there, 7,500.

1335
01:16:18,949 --> 01:16:22,661
I think accepting an award
named after Mark Twain,

1336
01:16:22,744 --> 01:16:24,580
uh, is a responsibility.

1337
01:16:25,372 --> 01:16:27,374
One cannot invoke Twain

1338
01:16:27,457 --> 01:16:32,004
without understanding who he was
and what he stood for.

1339
01:16:32,588 --> 01:16:36,717
Now, don't be distracted by the white suit
and the cigar and the riverboat.

1340
01:16:37,259 --> 01:16:41,555
Twain is alive, vibrant,
and vitally relevant today.

1341
01:16:42,055 --> 01:16:45,309
Yes, he is America's greatest humorist,

1342
01:16:46,184 --> 01:16:50,397
but his enduring power
springs from his core principles,

1343
01:16:51,106 --> 01:16:52,816
principles that shaped his comedy

1344
01:16:52,899 --> 01:16:55,736
and made him
one of our greatest Americans.

1345
01:16:56,862 --> 01:17:00,741
First and foremost, Twain hated bullies.

1346
01:17:00,824 --> 01:17:04,620
He populated his works with abusers,
such as Huck Finn's alcoholic father,

1347
01:17:04,703 --> 01:17:06,330
Tom Driscoll in Pudd'nhead Wilson,

1348
01:17:06,413 --> 01:17:10,167
and he made his readers
passionately hate those characters.

1349
01:17:10,250 --> 01:17:12,711
He punched up, not down,

1350
01:17:12,794 --> 01:17:15,839
and he deeply,
deeply empathized with the weak.

1351
01:17:16,673 --> 01:17:17,924
Twain…

1352
01:17:21,261 --> 01:17:22,304
Twain!

1353
01:17:24,640 --> 01:17:28,226
Twain was allergic to hypocrisy,
and he loathed racism.

1354
01:17:28,310 --> 01:17:31,396
Twain wrote, "There are many
humorous things in the world,

1355
01:17:31,480 --> 01:17:33,106
among them the white man's notion

1356
01:17:33,190 --> 01:17:36,443
that he is less savage
than the other savages."

1357
01:17:37,444 --> 01:17:39,571
Twain empathized
with the powerless in America,

1358
01:17:39,655 --> 01:17:41,615
former slaves
struggling in Reconstruction,

1359
01:17:41,698 --> 01:17:46,495
immigrant Chinese laborers in California,
and European Jews fleeing anti-Semitism.

1360
01:17:46,578 --> 01:17:49,831
Twain's remedy for ignorance
about the world around us

1361
01:17:49,915 --> 01:17:54,878
was to travel at a time when travel
was very long and very difficult.

1362
01:17:55,379 --> 01:17:58,090
Twain circled the globe, and he wrote,

1363
01:17:58,173 --> 01:18:02,928
"Travel is fatal to prejudice,
bigotry, and narrow-mindedness,

1364
01:18:03,011 --> 01:18:06,682
and many of our people need it sorely
on these accounts."

1365
01:18:07,724 --> 01:18:08,767
Twain…

1366
01:18:15,065 --> 01:18:19,361
Twain was suspicious of populism,
jingoism, imperialism,

1367
01:18:19,444 --> 01:18:21,738
the money-obsessed mania
of the Gilded Age,

1368
01:18:21,822 --> 01:18:25,409
and any expression of mindless
American might or self-importance.

1369
01:18:25,492 --> 01:18:30,080
Above all, Twain was a patriot
in the best sense of the word.

1370
01:18:30,163 --> 01:18:34,751
He loved America,
but knew it was deeply flawed.

1371
01:18:35,293 --> 01:18:36,211
Twain wrote,

1372
01:18:36,294 --> 01:18:39,715
"Patriotism is supporting your country
all of the time

1373
01:18:39,798 --> 01:18:42,217
and your government when it deserves it."

1374
01:18:43,385 --> 01:18:44,386
Now…

1375
01:18:49,224 --> 01:18:50,392
Some of you…

1376
01:18:52,310 --> 01:18:55,147
Some of you might think,
what does this have to do with comedy?

1377
01:18:55,230 --> 01:18:58,567
It has everything to do with comedy.

1378
01:18:59,609 --> 01:19:00,610
Everything.

1379
01:19:01,987 --> 01:19:06,366
The comedy I have loved all my life,

1380
01:19:06,950 --> 01:19:09,369
comedy that is self-critical, deflating,

1381
01:19:09,453 --> 01:19:13,039
and dedicated to the proposition
that we are all flawed,

1382
01:19:13,123 --> 01:19:16,334
absurd, and wallowing in the mud together.

1383
01:19:17,085 --> 01:19:19,880
Twain is funny and important today

1384
01:19:19,963 --> 01:19:23,091
because his comedy
is a hilarious celebration

1385
01:19:23,175 --> 01:19:25,302
of our fears, our ineptitude,

1386
01:19:25,385 --> 01:19:28,263
and the glorious mess of being human.

1387
01:19:28,972 --> 01:19:30,807
When we celebrate Twain,

1388
01:19:30,891 --> 01:19:34,227
truly see him for who he was,

1389
01:19:35,061 --> 01:19:37,063
we acknowledge our commonality,

1390
01:19:37,606 --> 01:19:40,400
and we move just a little closer together.

1391
01:19:41,610 --> 01:19:43,820
So I accept this award

1392
01:19:44,613 --> 01:19:49,451
in the spirit of humility,
stupidity, inanity,

1393
01:19:49,534 --> 01:19:52,245
irrelevance, fear, self-doubt,

1394
01:19:52,788 --> 01:19:55,874
and profound, unceasing silliness.

1395
01:19:56,374 --> 01:19:58,502
I thank you. It's the honor of a lifetime.

1396
01:19:58,585 --> 01:20:00,003
Thank you so much.

1397
01:20:06,176 --> 01:20:07,135
And…

1398
01:20:10,347 --> 01:20:11,348
You know…

1399
01:20:12,557 --> 01:20:14,267
Thank you. I'm going to…

1400
01:20:15,352 --> 01:20:18,021
Always get out on a standing ovation,
but not this time.

1401
01:20:18,104 --> 01:20:19,231
I said it once.

1402
01:20:19,314 --> 01:20:22,359
I said Twain's alive and well,
and I mean it.

1403
01:20:22,442 --> 01:20:24,236
Mark Twain, I love you.

1404
01:20:25,028 --> 01:20:27,864
And I love you, Conan O'Brien.

1405
01:20:30,367 --> 01:20:32,702
My God, it's Mark Twain!

1406
01:20:32,786 --> 01:20:34,704
Well, sour belly on a biscuit,

1407
01:20:34,788 --> 01:20:36,498
you bet it's Mark Twain.

1408
01:20:37,415 --> 01:20:42,254
Been watching this Twain Prize Ceremony
for 30 years from up in the tree.

1409
01:20:42,796 --> 01:20:46,258
You're the only recipient
to really deserve this honor.

1410
01:20:47,259 --> 01:20:49,594
You can't mean that, Mr. Twain.

1411
01:20:49,678 --> 01:20:52,430
Oh, you bet your bippy I mean it, Conan.

1412
01:20:52,514 --> 01:20:55,100
And all the past winners are clowns.

1413
01:20:56,393 --> 01:20:58,395
Will Farrell is a buffoon.

1414
01:21:00,355 --> 01:21:04,401
If his eyes were any closer together,
he'd be a damn cyclops.

1415
01:21:06,444 --> 01:21:08,780
Adam Sandler can't read.

1416
01:21:09,865 --> 01:21:10,907
He can't.

1417
01:21:10,991 --> 01:21:12,993
Got halfway through a pop-up book

1418
01:21:13,076 --> 01:21:15,787
and filled his pants like a two-year-old.

1419
01:21:17,664 --> 01:21:22,002
Kevin Hart shot a credit card commercial
during his acceptance speech.

1420
01:21:24,212 --> 01:21:25,255
Wait a minute.

1421
01:21:25,338 --> 01:21:27,799
I am not going to stand here
and listen to you insult

1422
01:21:27,883 --> 01:21:30,010
these great comedians, Mr. Twain.

1423
01:21:30,093 --> 01:21:30,927
Why?

1424
01:21:31,011 --> 01:21:32,971
You wrote this sketch, Conan.

1425
01:21:35,724 --> 01:21:38,602
I'm just reading it word for word.

1426
01:21:38,685 --> 01:21:40,312
That's not true.

1427
01:21:40,395 --> 01:21:41,897
You wrote that too.

1428
01:21:43,565 --> 01:21:47,944
Look, I'm a cutting bait on your script,
and I'm speaking from my own mind.

1429
01:21:48,486 --> 01:21:54,075
My point is, comedy is about the weak
and the absurd,

1430
01:21:54,159 --> 01:21:57,996
and that describes you, Conan O'Brien.

1431
01:21:58,955 --> 01:22:01,291
You're a translucent man-child

1432
01:22:01,374 --> 01:22:05,170
who has bumbled
and stumbled through 30 years

1433
01:22:05,253 --> 01:22:08,298
of meaningless spasmodic idiocy

1434
01:22:08,381 --> 01:22:11,384
and somehow, against all odds,

1435
01:22:11,468 --> 01:22:13,303
you have landed here

1436
01:22:13,386 --> 01:22:17,599
like a soggy cork
washing up on a lonely beach.

1437
01:22:20,101 --> 01:22:23,563
You know,
that's harsh medicine, Mr. Twain,

1438
01:22:23,647 --> 01:22:28,068
but I guess that's… I guess that's
what I've always admired about you.

1439
01:22:28,151 --> 01:22:30,028
Well, times change,

1440
01:22:30,111 --> 01:22:32,197
but people have to stay resolute,

1441
01:22:32,739 --> 01:22:36,159
and I appreciate those words
you said about me earlier.

1442
01:22:36,660 --> 01:22:37,953
You got grit, son,

1443
01:22:38,828 --> 01:22:41,957
and even though
that's a line you wrote for me to say…

1444
01:22:44,584 --> 01:22:46,252
I do so mean it.

1445
01:22:47,295 --> 01:22:51,091
Well, coming from you,
that means… that means the world to me.

1446
01:22:51,174 --> 01:22:53,927
I… I really do love you, Mr. Twain.

1447
01:22:54,010 --> 01:22:56,805
I love you too, Conan O'Brien.

1448
01:23:45,687 --> 01:23:48,606
All right, that's it.
No more. Stop, no good.

1449
01:23:48,690 --> 01:23:51,568
No, we can't.
That's not how we're ending it.

1450
01:23:51,651 --> 01:23:53,153
We can't do it like that.

1451
01:23:53,236 --> 01:23:55,030
You were very good, Forte, though.

1452
01:23:55,113 --> 01:23:58,366
Ladies and gentlemen,
this man can play guitar.

1453
01:23:58,450 --> 01:24:00,452
Don't we wanna see
the man jam a little bit?

1454
01:24:01,327 --> 01:24:02,495
Yeah!

1455
01:24:08,918 --> 01:24:10,837
There's colors on the street

1456
01:24:12,672 --> 01:24:14,716
Red, white and blue

1457
01:24:16,217 --> 01:24:18,386
People shufflin' their feet

1458
01:24:19,929 --> 01:24:22,348
People sleepin' in their shoes

1459
01:24:23,725 --> 01:24:27,395
But there's a warnin' sign
on the road ahead

1460
01:24:27,479 --> 01:24:31,274
There's a lot of people sayin'
we'd be better off dead

1461
01:24:31,357 --> 01:24:34,819
Don't feel like Satan,
but I am to them

1462
01:24:34,903 --> 01:24:38,573
So I try to forget it
any way I can

1463
01:24:40,033 --> 01:24:43,953
Keep on rockin' in the free world

1464
01:24:47,916 --> 01:24:51,836
Keep on rockin' in the free world

1465
01:24:53,046 --> 01:24:54,297
Yeah

1466
01:24:58,968 --> 01:25:02,305
Here we go! It's Conan O'Brien!

1467
01:25:15,527 --> 01:25:17,487
Go! It's you.

1468
01:25:19,239 --> 01:25:21,825
Oh, oh yeah

1469
01:25:26,913 --> 01:25:28,039
Ooh

1470
01:25:33,545 --> 01:25:37,799
Keep on rockin' in the free world

1471
01:25:37,882 --> 01:25:41,136
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah

1472
01:25:41,719 --> 01:25:45,390
Keep on rockin' in the free world

1473
01:25:54,816 --> 01:25:57,694
Oh

1474
01:26:16,171 --> 01:26:18,173
Thank you all very much!

1475
01:26:20,341 --> 01:26:22,218
Will Forte, thank you.

1476
01:26:24,804 --> 01:26:27,265
Adam Sandler! Thank you, everybody!