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Hello. Thank you very much.
Welcome to Dynasty Typewriter's coveted Monday night
at 10-spot.
When the Mid-Wilshire comes out to play.
We have a lovely stage set here.
We have Liberace storm shutters.
Someone got the mud flaps
from Timothee Chalamet's Cybertruck.
This neighborhood is called the Mid-Wilshire in Los Angeles.
When I first moved here,
I used to live right down the street.
And I moved here from Massachusetts.
And people would always ask my relatives,
"Do you miss the seasons?"
And well, it depends.
You know, I love fall in Massachusetts.
But winter, like I love winter.
That's why I live in Los Angeles.
I love winter up until about January 1st,
then I'm done.
And if you live in Massachusetts,
after January 1st, all you have left to deal with
is four more months of shit.
It's too cold to do anything.
It gets dark at two o'clock in the afternoon.
The world is just dead trees and dirty snow.
Owls in the woods. Why?
Why?
Everybody's depressed.
Suicide hotline, I wanna kill myself.
I called you.
It's just so cold.
Halloween in New England is awful
because it's already so cold.
Half the time you put on your costume,
and then you would've to put your parka on
over your costume,
and just go around the neighborhood flashing your neighbors
and like, "I'm a pirate.
give me a Zagnut, Jesus Christ."
"Who are you?"
"I'm C-3PO, take me a word for it.
Just give me the Reese Cup."
You get pneumonia for Christ's sakes.
And then they move to Los Angeles
where Halloween starts in the middle of August.
It's 150 degrees.
I took my kids to the pumpkin patch, it was just pies.
And they start the season really early
because it makes a lot of money.
So they get in there.
And when you go into like CVS or Walgreens,
when they start to decorate for Halloween,
they always lead with the big three monsters.
Dracula, Frankenstein,
and older woman.
She doesn't even have to be in a witch's hat.
Doesn't need it.
Older woman.
Can your heart stand the shocking facts
of what time and gravity do to the female face?
And the horror you feel when they leave the house?
The big three, Dracula, Frankenstein, and Nana.
And I love horror movies.
You know, that's where I grew up on.
Do you love horror movies?
Do you have a favorite horror movie?
"Get Out."
"Get Out." I like a "Pretty Woman."
You thought I said horror.
Understandable, no.
No, I like it.
Have you ever seen "Blacula"?
"Blacula" is fantastic.
1972, William Marshall plays "Blacula".
The first scene in "Blacula,"
Dracula bites a Black guy.
This is easily anticipated
if you know the name of the movie you're watching.
And then Dracula goes, "I christen you Blacula."
And they cut.
And I wish they would just hold it for five more seconds
so you can hear Blacula go, .
"What the fuck did you say my name was?"
Just to watch Dracula backpedal.
"Look, as the king of vampires.
I come from a position of privilege
that I clearly didn't take into consideration
when I made that show,
which is not indicative of my feelings in any way.
I won't even eat Count Chocula.
Like I'm committed.
I want you to know my truth.
That's what this is about."
And then all the bros with podcasts will drag Dracula
for backpedaling to Blacula.
"Okay, got to double down on that all the time.
You got to just double down.
That's the problem. There's no real men anymore.
But for all you real men listening,
here's a commercial for a pill that will give you a boner."
All the podcasts dedicated
to the resurgence of the alpha male
are paid for by pills that give you a boner.
I still get my own boners,
like some kind of pussy.
I like "Texas Chainsaw Massacre."
That's a great horror movie, yeah.
Great title. "Texas Chainsaw Massacre."
Then again, after Texas Chainsaw, kind of writes itself.
"Texas Chainsaw Bake-Off" is not going anywhere.
Texas is just one of those states.
You put it in front of some, like Tennessee.
You put Tennessee in front of any activity,
and it becomes a sex move.
Went home late last night, woke up the wife,
tried a Tennessee car wash.
How'd that go?
Well, I'm staying with my brother for a couple of days.
I think she'll calm down.
Should have warned her.
Speaking of sex moves,
I got married about a year and a half ago.
Thank you. Yeah, it was great.
Yeah, thank you very much.
It was my second marriage.
My second marriage.
I've been married before,
and I thought marriage
is such a sacred holy once in a lifetime thing.
Let's do it again.
But even though it was my second marriage,
it was my wife's first.
So you still got to go all in.
You know, you can't cheap out.
You can't do the "Forrest Gump" six people in the backyard.
You're gonna spend,
you're spending money, you're spending money.
But even though it's her first time,
and it's a big deal, you've done it.
It is the second time on the rollercoaster.
It's like, are you scared?
No, it goes up, and down, and around, and dancing, and cake.
That's what they do.
We're gathered together before God.
No, I know, yeah, it's very good, yeah.
With the ring and the cake and the yeah, yeah.
Till death do you part.
Sure thing, boss, whatever you say.
Whatever makes you happy, boss.
That's what they say, till death do you part.
That's just God's way of saying,
"I can get you out of this."
It's a little extreme.
The way I see it, I didn't get divorced.
I cheated death.
Adolf Hitler.
The definition of evil.
Waged war on humanity for six years.
And then in his bunker,
wed Eva Braun,
and the next morning, blew his brains out.
Marriage is hard.
What did she say?
You call this a bunker?
My sister's bunker. That's a bunker.
Now you go in there,
and you really know you're in a bunker.
And maybe you'd like your sister's bunker.
Charles Manson.
Charles Manson was in prison for life.
And at the end of his life,
a young woman wanted to marry him.
And at the last minute, he backed out.
This is true.
He was in prison for life, but he valued his freedom.
My father-in-law made a big speech at our wedding.
I did not know he could talk.
We'd had several conversations about the wedding.
And whenever it got to that point
where he might have said something like, "Hey, Dana,
why don't I pay for that?"
My father-in-law is an airline pilot.
Do you know the difference
between an airline pilot and God?
God doesn't walk around like a fuckin' airline pilot.
And don't give me like, I love my wife.
I'm gonna tease her a little bit, but I love my wife.
She's great, she's Swedish.
She's much taller than I am.
She's much more beautiful
than a woman you would think I would be with.
And we just kinda walk around
like a 3D "Lord of the Rings" poster.
Did you see "Midsommar"?
Okay, you know those floral crowns they wore
in, that's a traditional Swedish thing.
And our wedding photo, she's wearing one.
Our wedding photo is this tall, elegant woman
in a floral crown and a flowing robe.
And this little guy looks like a foot.
And it looks like she's sending me off to Mordor.
And it's funny 'cause we'll walk down the street together,
and I will see guys look at my wife,
and then look and see that she's with me.
And it's like.
I enrage them.
So I guess my father-in-law's thinking
when he made this speech
was welcome to my daughter's wedding
that her husband is paying for.
You probably wanna know a lot about me.
And I'm in the back going, "Actually, no.
I just wanna go home and fuck your kid."
She's an adult.
But it's technically true.
And, therefore, fun to say.
You know, if you're in QAnon,
if you're in QAnon, anyone you don't like is a pedophile.
Everyone in Hollywood is a pedophile.
Every Democrat or progressive as a pedophile.
I wonder if the real pedophiles
are standing around like, "You know,
I remember when being a pedophile really meant something."
You had to earn it.
Get a van.
Took my dog to the groomer, make sure it's the dog groomer.
Some guy came out said she seemed really mature for her age.
My father did not speak at our wedding.
That was as planned.
My dad is 93 years old.
God bless him.
Yep, still going, still going strong.
But he was born in 1930.
You know, he's got some old school attitudes
about the way things are.
Maybe not the best guy you want near a microphone
at a public event, you know.
I watched "Gran Torino" with my dad.
It was like watching "Mighty Joe Young" with a gorilla.
My dad was a bartender when I was a kid.
Very serious man unless he was drinking.
And then he was hilarious.
So I grew up with a dad
who was really, really funny all the time.
He would sing Christmas carols all year round,
but use them to bitch.
♪ Oh, I make all the money ♪
♪ And your mother spends it all ♪
♪ So I hope you wanna be homeless ♪
♪ Because we're going to lose the house ♪
♪ Oh, your grandma's sick and she isn't gonna make it ♪
♪ And you better not cry ♪
♪ 'Cause I don't like people's feelings ♪
But he could be surprisingly progressive,
but never for the right reason.
This is a true story.
I'm not clever enough to make this up.
My cousin Lori is a lesbian.
She came out when she was about 20, 21 years old.
And my father was the only member from that generation
of our family who didn't lose his shit
that we had a gay person in the family,
you know, an openly gay person.
We all knew about cousin Tony, but, you know.
But Lori would like leave the house during the daytime.
She had self-esteem.
It threw everybody off their game.
And my father was the only member from that generation
of the family that stood up was like, "What do you care?
No, I'm serious.
How does it bother you
who Lori goes home to at the end of the goddamn day?
Good for you.
She can't find a guy.
What if she has to kill a spider?
Women can't kill spiders.
It's in the Bible.
Men and apparently lesbians will kill a spider
as soon as it look at her.
Give the woman someone to kill a spider, will you?"
But that's the family I grew up in.
You know, I have four older brothers, okay?
Three of my older brothers, super fun, life of the party.
One of my older brothers,
kind of a hard ass, bit of a bully.
When we were kids, he would beat us more than our parents.
That's just wrong.
Now guess which one of my brothers became a cop.
So I called him by accident.
You ever call the wrong sibling?
Hello? Oh!
Now I got to think of something to say.
So like, well, kids.
He has kids, I have kids,
we get that out of the way, five minutes.
Hey man, what's going on?
Just checking in.
Seeing how you doing, you know.
Just got Nelly.
That's my youngest daughter.
Just got Nelly her last set of vaccinations,
so she's all caught up.
Goes, "Yeah, we're not gonna be doing that around here.
Gonna keep our DNA intact."
Now my brother knows my daughter is adopted.
I have three daughters.
They're all from China
because I'm terrified of my DNA.
And I'm sorry,
I don't understand how it can be in this day and age
that an educated person can be against something
as fundamentally beneficial as a vaccine.
And then it hit me.
You know why they're against it.
'Cause other people are for it.
The end.
That's it.
You just have to be for something, and they'll show up.
It's all they have. It's what they do.
Go online tomorrow morning and just quietly post,
I like french toast.
Check back in 20 minutes.
Fuck French toast.
Breakfast of the privileged.
What else do you like for breakfast, genocide?
Where do you work, huh?
But his reasoning drives me crazy.
"I ain't getting vaccinated.
I don't know how it works."
Right, that's why we went out
and got some people smarter than you.
So we can have fun stuff like open heart surgery
and airplanes.
I don't know how zippers work.
But every morning, I put my faith in the science.
Leave the house fairly certain I'm not gonna be in line
at the bank with my dong out.
It all comes down to fear.
It's just fear.
I'm afraid I'm gonna get sick,
so I want everything you have.
I want pills, I want shots, I want surgery.
I want everything you can give me.
But my brother, he's much smarter than I am.
He's an independent thinker.
He thinks what all the other independent thinkers think.
That the government, the same people in charge
of the post office and the DMV
are also behind a massive global genetic super conspiracy
that I will believe when I can buy one stamp
in under 45 minutes.
Some people just don't wanna be told to do anything
by an authority figure.
It's really weird when they're cops.
But you'll have to work that one out for yourself.
But you know where he gets it?
He gets it from our mother.
When we were growing up, my mother,
she would smoke, she would drink,
she would take any pill she could get her hands on
unless it was prescribed by her doctor.
Then she had big problems.
Could have been prescribed by your doctor.
We could have been at your house, and she found some pills,
those would be down like Skittles.
But God forbid it goes, I really think you should take...
Slow down big pharma.
I found some mushrooms growing under the bridge
that I read about in a witchcraft magazine.
I'm gonna give those six to eight months, see if they work.
And if not, I'll set my leg the way you think I should.
And you know who is just like my mother?
My wife.
It's true.
I can't get away from this personality type.
I am going to be dealing with this
for the rest of my life.
I'm a comedy writer.
I am a very cynical person.
My home is full of crystals.
And my wife will approach me with a crystal
and say, "Sweetheart, whisper a manifestation
into this crystal."
I understand that marriage requires compromise.
Mine is I have to pretend I am a wizard.
But if manifestations worked, we wouldn't have any crystals
because that's all I ask of them when we speak.
Are you guys a couple down here?
No, who's a couple?
Anybody in the?
No one? No couples.
That's my draw.
A lot of guys my age who walk without moving their arms.
Well, to begin with, Voyager isn't in the Kelvin Timeline.
So I can't believe you're so stupid too.
It's common among couples
that when you go out to the store,
like you'll come go, "Hey, honey, I'm at the store.
Do you need anything?"
And then the person that gets that call says what they need.
In my theory, the person that gets that call,
you get six words.
Hey, I am going to the store.
Do you need anything?
A latte from Starbucks. Thank you.
Some potato chips would be great.
Nell wants more frozen waffle sticks.
Boom, six words.
Kat, Mrs. Gould, bless her heart.
I don't even call anymore.
Like, "Hey, honey, I'm going to the store.
Do you need anything?"
"Oh yes, gosh, thank you, yes, okay.
I need you to go to the NatureWell,
but not the NatureWell convenient to our home.
I need you to go to the NatureWell annex.
It's by the cargo hanger of the Van Nuys Military Airport.
Now there's a guard shift at four o'clock
from 4:03 to 4:11, there's no one in the shack.
Drive right through.
You'll hear a siren, but ignore it.
No one's coming, I promise you.
Drive all the way down to the last hanger on the left,
but don't go in the front door.
It's open, but there's an infrared scanner
and you'll be sterile.
Go around to the back.
There's a bulkhead, go down, keep going down.
It's gonna get very dark, and very cold, and very wet.
You're going in the right direction.
You'll see a small shaft of light, open the door.
You should see several middle-aged Asian women
in their underwear ironing money.
You're going in the right direction.
Keep going down.
On the right, you'll see the annex.
Ask for Paolo.
If he's not there, wait, but don't make eye contact.
I want a green apple smoothie.
But instead of a smoothie,
see if they'll make it as a juice.
But instead of apple, I want kale hearts
and a turmeric extract.
Actually, better idea.
Are you near a penitentiary or cattle ranch?
Anything with the kind of fencing
where I could get electricity into lemons?"
No, I'm not doing this.
Because I'm home now.
I've been home for 20 minutes.
I emptied the dishwasher
because you don't know how to ask for juice.
But you might be saying that's okay.
She can get her own juice, no.
Because if there's one thing I can tell you
about people who only eat health food,
they are sick every fucking day.
They are sick every fucking day.
The sun pierces the veil of night and they don't feel good.
If I had to cast people with the plague for a movie,
I would get any shift from Whole Foods, any shift.
Their skin is all sallow.
Their hair's Tim Burton.
They're too weak to point.
Where's the deli?
And they get so butthurt.
So we were at a restaurant.
We were at a vegetarian restaurant.
Lot of people.
I didn't know all of them.
You know, we are there, the group.
And I made the mistake of casually mentioning
I was not vegetarian.
And this one dude, most people are cool.
You know, one dude, "What?
You'll eat a steak?"
Yeah.
"Oh, but you don't wanna watch them murder the cow."
Nailed it.
I love my brother.
I don't wanna watch my parents fuck.
You don't have to drag everything back
to the point where it's awful.
Everything is awful eventually.
So I know a couple from back home, back East.
The husband did not get vaccinated,
the wife did get vaccinated.
The husband got COVID, the wife did not get COVID.
Do you know why?
Because the husband was standing in front of the wife
when the wind blew the COVID at them.
You can be wrong. It's okay.
When did that become illegal?
You can make a mistake.
You don't lose time off of your life.
I was at a yard sale.
Not to brag.
Yeah, I'm a big shot.
I go to yard sales.
No, we're at a yard sale,
and there was this stack of old "People" magazines.
"People" magazines that were old,
not old people magazine.
Not like "Matlock Watcher,"
"Denture Enthusiast."
And my favorite, "Extremely Legal."
And there was a "People" magazine from 1986,
and the cover story
was the most respected man in America, reader's poll.
You know who it was?
Ronald Reagan.
Bill Cosby.
No.
Reagan came in second.
True. We made a mistake.
We didn't know.
He was the most respected man in America.
And then he went to prison.
And then they let him out.
I think they were afraid he was gonna commit
sui-frazzle-frizzles.
"I assaulted too many women,
so I'm gonna hang myself in the cell
and commit suici-frazzle."
It's a clear cut case of prison suici-frazzle.
I went to high school in the 1980s.
Every guy in my graduating class had a mullet.
Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You look in my yearbook now,
it looks like I went to high school
with a lesbian separatist militia.
One day we'll be like that about vaping.
Seemed like a good idea.
The great taste of steam.
The cool look of blowing a flashlight.
And the ultimate example
of we didn't know, Michael Jackson.
We didn't know.
And he didn't give us any signs.
Who would've thought that a glow in the dark skeleton
who dressed like Napoleon and lived by himself
in an abandoned amusement park with other people's children
and a feral chimp would have such a creepy, dark side?
And if you get to the point in your life,
when you wake up one morning and think,
"You know, I need a chimp."
You're doing too much.
Chimpanzees are horrible animals.
If you've ever read a newspaper story about someone
who's been attacked by a chimpanzee,
the wounds are always horrific.
And they're always the same.
Because chimpanzees are born
with this thing called an attack protocol.
Chimpanzees are born knowing how to kill you.
The first thing a chimpanzee does when it attacks you,
and I'm going to tell you.
I want you to know.
They say that when a bear attacks you,
you are supposed to make yourself look
as physically imposing as you possibly can
and speak very soothingly.
The trial and error that went in to figuring that out
is written in the blood of campers.
Bear!
♪ Mairzy doats and dozy doats ♪
♪ And liddle lamzy divey ♪
Don't sing pop songs from the '30s.
Next.
But bears are so stupid.
Bears think we all walk around
with shit in our pants.
Because everyone they've ever caught.
Well, we're 12 for 12. You tell me.
Let's just eat the top half and go find some garbage.
Should we tell them we speak English?
Why? So we can talk about the in their pants?
Use your head.
The first thing a chimpanzee does when it attacks you,
it breaks your jaw, so you can't bite it.
Then it chews your hands off
so you can't claw it.
And then it tears your genitals off.
I guess so you won't
rape it.
Chimpanzees are so full of themselves.
They actually think
that even after they've broken your jaw,
chewed off your hands,
you're still gonna be trying to get him into the sack.
Like there were guys chasing them through the jungle.
You wouldn't have chewed my hands off if you didn't want it.
You wouldn't have come out the tree
if you weren't into it, lady.
Yes, my jaw is broken, and my hands are chewed off.
And you know what else?
I'm tired of all the games.
And now,
I'm going to tell you all a terrible story-
that happened to some children
at the Neverland Ranch.
Yes, I am.
And when I'm done, you're going to laugh.
And you think that you won't,
but you don't have all the information.
As everyone knows,
Michael Jackson had a chimp named Bubbles.
And Bubbles was adorable when it was a baby
because everything is adorable when it's a baby.
Rattlesnakes are adorable when they're babies.
But then Bubbles grew up and became an adult male chimp.
Very powerful, very unpredictable,
and with the potential for great physical violence.
So Bubbles was put into a cage
and moved off the beaten path there
at the old Neverland Ranch.
But Make-A-Wish kids would come to the ranch,
and they wanted to see Bubbles.
And Bubbles would hurl his feces at them,
which was not their stated wish.
And what you end up with is kids in wheelchairs
on grass, trying to evade cannonballs
of monkey shit.
And I like to imagine what that must have looked like
to the sound of Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World."
♪ I see trees of green ♪
♪ Red roses too ♪
You know what? I love animals.
We have a ton of animals.
I have a wife and three daughters, everybody has a cat.
I have four cats, two dogs.
I love my dogs.
But one of my dogs, Alfie,
my little dog Alfie
is so fucking stupid.
He's a rescue.
He's never been right.
Alfie has a look in his eyes that you only get
from a guy in an army jacket sitting alone
on a swing set in the rain.
He will be outside romping and playing for five hours,
running around the yard, barking at squirrels.
And then finally, I'll let him in.
Like, "Oh, thank God I'm inside.
Oh, I almost peed outside.
I had to pee so bad.
Oh god, this feels so good."
Oh, I almost peed on the tree.
Is this the antique your mom gave you?
Nope, happy to mark it.
Thank me later. Oh god."
And he just would not learn.
So I take him to the vet, the vet puts him on dog Prozac.
I feel like an idiot getting my dog Prozac.
And then a bigger idiot a week later
when I have to bring him back
because he can't get an erection.
And he's 18.
He won't die.
He's staying alive out of spite.
I take him to the vet,
he said everything wrong with him a dog could have.
I take him to the vet every other week,
and then like, "Yeah no, it's surprising.
But it's not time yet."
That's what they always say, it's not time yet
to put him down.
You know, they say a dog is a man's best friend.
You know what my best friend is never gonna do?
Make me murder him.
I have several human best friends.
I'm not afraid of that call.
"Hey Dane, I don't know what you're doing this weekend,
but I haven't been feeling that good.
I think maybe you just come by and kill me with a shovel.
I think one good swing to the head will do it.
Why do I care what the police will think?
It's not about you."
So I was in the airport the other day,
and I see this really sweet sight.
I see a woman, she's walking with her little boy,
and the little boy is walking with this little dog.
And it was just like, boop, boop, boop.
It was so sweet.
And the only thing that was interesting about it to me
was that the woman was covered in tattoos,
just completely sleeved on both arms.
Huge plate across her back.
And I understand that's normal now. That's culture.
I'm just glad it wasn't culture when I was that little boy.
Just thinking about the tats my mom would've gotten.
Pack of merits and an astrology magazine.
Big gothic font across your chest.
"Can I have five goddamn minutes to myself, please?
And don't think I'm not gonna tell your father what you did
when he gets home from work.
Although God knows when that's gonna be
'cause it's Thursday night and he got his paycheck,
so he's down at the bar with his asshole friends
buying everybody rounds
like we got all the money in the world,
and then he is gonna come home
and bitch to me they we're broke.
Like I haven't seen a $20 bill
since Johnson was the president."
"I'm sorry Mrs. Gould, we're all out of back."
"Well, find somebody else.
I'm still angry."
I have a lot of respect for moms.
When my first wife and I divorced,
I didn't think I was gonna date anybody again.
I was kinda like, "I'm done."
And then, you know, life intercedes.
And I ended up dating a woman
that I knew socially that was in like my social group,
and we were both married and then we were both divorced.
And at the time, I had three daughters,
and she at that time had two-year-old triplets.
And that's why I say that
because that's always the response.
I go all over the country, Europe,
never once, aw.
Every time, .
"Ah, what's your girlfriend like?"
Oh she's great.
She's in that religion where they speak in tongues
and dance around with a poisonous snake.
"Oh yeah, I've seen that.
That's fascinating, yeah."
And she has triplets.
"What are you, fuckin' nuts?
Get the hell out of there."
The only reason I bring it up
is I had never changed a boy's diaper before.
And I don't know if any of you
have ever changed a boy's diaper
or have seen an elephant bathe itself in a river.
Same principle.
And that's the difference between having kids
and not having kids.
It was like, oh, I have pee in my hair.
And not, call 911!
It's pee, it's pee!
So I turn around to get a napkin.
My back is turned for about 1/8 of a second.
I know, I've done this before, you know.
So I turn around, and by the time I turn back,
he is bragging his junk.
And I don't mean like pocket pool waiting
for your taxi or Lyft.
Like Hercules trying to tear the skin off a serpent.
I literally went involuntarily .
Did a full curly.
Honey, the baby's trying to pull his cock off.
I don't know how you want me to play this.
And I had to say something
because I didn't want her to come in
and find me fighting with her son over his penis.
Hey, no, hey, hey.
I can explain.
He wanted to touch it.
It's a good thing I was here.
But he had no shame.
I just think about how I was raised,
you know, Irish Catholic, Massachusetts, shame.
Any bodily function, shame.
What is the percentage of people in this country
who chronically masturbate?
Like who have a problem, it interferes with their life.
120, 130%.
Half of those people believe in guardian angels.
Half the country believes in guardian angels.
Half the country believes there's a tiny invisible woman
in a nightgown floating above your head,
and she's there to help you find your keys.
My mom's one of those people.
"Sweetheart, you have a guardian angel,
and she's always with you."
I know.
I feel so bad for that woman.
The shit she has sat through.
"Oh Dana, what are you looking at on the computer?
Oh no, not again.
Think of the time you waste.
You could have learned a language.
Could have learned all the languages.
She has too many friends."
So there's a store here
in Los Angeles called The Pleasure Chest.
It's up on Santa Monica Boulevard in West Hollywood.
And it's a lovely little place.
It's an adult novelty store.
A dildorium, if you will.
And they have a comedy night there
because, of course, they do.
And they called me up,
and they said, "Do you wanna do the show?"
And I go, "Sure, yeah, I'll come down.
I'd love to."
And I did, you know, I like...
The first thing that strikes me
when I went into The Pleasure Chest
was the toys don't look like what you would think
they would look like.
They're not anatomical at all.
They used to be.
Now they're just like bright orange curly cues
and lime green twisty shapes.
It looked like replacement limbs
for an all-Muppet veterans hospital.
My question is who shops at that store?
Doesn't everybody have the internet?
I mean, again, it could be me.
I'm from a very repressed upbringing,
but I honestly could not just walk in that store like, huh?
Hmm, hmm.
With a list.
Oh yeah, huh.
Hey, are these gluten-free, you know?
They're anal beads.
I don't know.
Which are a thing.
Anal beads
are a thing
that we, as a people,
design, mass produce,
market, and sell.
The American experiment is not over.
There is still life in the old girl yet.
Look at the competition.
Russia, ha!
Russia's not even a country.
It's a gas station with an army.
Russia only does two things.
It supplies the Eastern Bloc with the raw material
for fossil fuels
and occasionally chooses the American president.
But that's all Russia does.
What does China really do?
It steals our intellectual property
and sells it back to us at a vastly inflated price,
and occasionally allows, you know,
assholes like me
to have a family.
But here in America, we innovate.
We put a man on the moon.
We invented the computer chip.
We have anal beads.
Especially made beads
just for
your anal.
We didn't steal the idea from another country
and sell it back at an inflated price.
An American shot out of bed in the middle of the night
and thought, "Golly,
I wish there was a necklace so big,
it felt great being yanked out of my asshole."
Nobody touched this equation.
Three in the morning, Matt Damon comes in.
There are two jobs in America
with debilitating levels of stress.
Air traffic controller.
And the person that ties the knot on that last bead.
Because what you really don't want,
go, .
Don't panic.
I made chili.
I'm a lot more positive than people think.
And I really did try to change my outlook
on life a couple years ago.
And you know what really was the motivating factor?
And I'm not kidding, the Mr. Rogers documentary.
Did anyone see that?
It's called "Won't You Be My Neighbor?"
Yeah, it's unbelievable.
The whole premise of the documentary
is he's really Mr. Rogers.
You know, like he was a tubby kid and he got bullied,
but he didn't let it destroy him.
And he grew up and he had problems,
but he worked through them, and he got married,
and he loved his wife and he had kids,
and he loved his kids.
And he was famous all of his life,
and he didn't rape anybody.
And we don't know how that happened.
We can't figure it out.
The most moving part of the film
is he goes to visit Koko the gorilla.
I don't know if you're familiar,
Koko the gorilla
was this hyper-intelligent silverback mountain gorilla,
who lived in Northern California.
And she could speak in sign language.
She had a kitten, a domesticated pet, which was unheard of
for a silverback mountain gorilla.
And she loved watching "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood"
in her enclosure.
So they arranged for Fred Rogers to come and visit her.
So Fred Rogers comes in and he sits down,
and then, this is all in the film.
And then Koko comes around the corner.
and Koko is the size of a minivan.
She's a silverback mountain gorilla.
And she comes out and she sits down at his feet
and then very gingerly, slips off his shoes
because that's what she saw him do on television.
He would come and sit down and take off his shoes
and put on his tennis shoes.
And then she signed, I love you.
Then she broke his jaw.
Chew his hands.
A terrible day in the neighborhood.
The end. Thank you very much.
See you next time.
Oh my Lord.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
Thank you.