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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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大衛史派德:蒲公英

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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讚喔

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丹佛,很高興見到大家

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謝謝各位來,真的

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我愛丹佛,好一陣子沒來了

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很快問一下
這高度會影響各位尿尿嗎?

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我昨晚從床上尿出去超遠的

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我昨晚從床上尿出去超遠的

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比平常從我家的床上還遠

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不說這個了...

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大多數人應該是開車來的

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我在洛杉磯常開車,其實有點討厭

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看得出來我有路怒症吧,但是...

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我就說一件事

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如果我開車,我給了你超車的機會

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我給了你這個超車的甜頭

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你最好揮個手

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真的

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不然會有問題

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我就像瘋子

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我覺得那是很大的甜頭

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所以如果我撇頭說:“你先吧”

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如果我讓你了,我要看到這個

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至少把手伸出窗外這樣

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這個也行

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就算你是伸出窗外彈菸灰也好

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一點點也行

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不可以什麼都不做

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不可以完全沒表示

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如果你沒表示謝意

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我鐵定用時速至少100哩跟著你

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直接去你家

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午夜在你車子的保險桿放AirTag

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除此之外我很好相處的,只不過...

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抱歉

38
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對了,很快私下講講

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無線麥克風在1998年問世

40
00:02:01,789 --> 00:02:03,541
且讓我...聽好了

41
00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:08,462
派拉蒙劇院聽我一句
不要趕流行好嗎?

42
00:02:09,672 --> 00:02:13,216
我是不介意表演的時候
拖著長達42呎

43
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重達16磅的電線走來走去

44
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我鎖骨很不舒服
現在還只講到第四個笑點而已

45
00:02:19,223 --> 00:02:21,475
老天有眼,別這樣好嗎

46
00:02:21,892 --> 00:02:25,187
大賣場的睿俠專區還有甜心特價

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其實這是亞馬遜串流的節目

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好,所以...

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這是...

50
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傑夫貝佐斯都要買第五台私人飛機了

51
00:02:35,364 --> 00:02:39,159
給我用的麥克風還是
黑色星期五特價買的

52
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Amazon Prime,管他叫什麼

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謝謝

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偏偏在這麼重要的一晚,太好了

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把手伸過來

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該死,Amazon串流的節目
設備也從Amazon買真是讚

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那真是...

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好吧...

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可惡

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我搭飛機過來的時候

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在飛機上機長廣播:“大家好

62
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歡迎搭乘737客機

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我們剛把機艙門裝回來”

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我說...

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為什麼要提到飛走的那扇門?

66
00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:21,743
我又不會知道出事的就是這架飛機

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可以不要提嗎,我才剛忘記

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各位記得飛機的機艙門飛走的事嗎?

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記得那有多恐怖嗎?

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他們還公開事發當時的影片

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我心想
“竟然還有影片?一定很混亂”

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結果不然

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如果你看過就會知道,機上一片死寂

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乘客都這樣...

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活像奈沙馬蘭的電影一樣

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我心想:“各位,你們的機艙門飛了

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現在是晚上,還有更恐怖的
龍捲風級的強風”

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結果他們...

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00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:57,278
如果是我

80
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現場會都是我炸屎
噴到大家額頭上的聲音...

81
00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:04,703
而我會狂按呼叫鈕

82
00:04:07,539 --> 00:04:08,582
“問一下

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我登機的時候是有機艙門的嗎?

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我沒在留意了,我以為都會有”

85
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機艙後頭的人說

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“我們不清楚狀況”

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你覺得是什麼狀況?

88
00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:27,685
我根本在演《貓鼬莊園》

89
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你覺得呢,是發動機壞了嗎?

90
00:04:34,358 --> 00:04:35,776
“要命,超級強的!

91
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鏈條飛了

92
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寶寶也飛了

93
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快關掉,把它修好啊”

94
00:04:45,119 --> 00:04:48,371
我上機還遇到了百事可樂詐騙

95
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無意冒犯爛爆的百事可樂
可是你知道嗎?

96
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我在飛機上都點健怡可樂

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到處都會遇到

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像什麼奇怪的現象一樣

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我有次去賭場演出

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在餐廳點了健怡可樂

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對方說他們只有百事可樂

102
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我說:“剛進來時我看到那邊有家店

103
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我自己去買好了”

104
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對方又說:“我們是百事賭場”

105
00:05:12,229 --> 00:05:17,317
“不會吧
這他媽的40英畝都是百事?”

106
00:05:18,569 --> 00:05:20,445
這合法嗎?對方又說...

107
00:05:20,446 --> 00:05:22,614
“可是啊”,他想幫我的忙

108
00:05:23,949 --> 00:05:27,703
“高速公路往前走幾下
有家超商”,我說...

109
00:05:29,246 --> 00:05:31,582
“你要去嗎?我不去,你要去嗎?”

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什麼“幾下”...我是越共嗎?

111
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你在說什麼啊?

112
00:05:37,087 --> 00:05:39,590
那是一吋嗎?一下是多遠?

113
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我才不要晚上去走高速公路

114
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不用了,謝謝

115
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那時候我在飛機上

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點了健怡可樂,他們說...

117
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他們連沒有健怡都懶得說,就...

118
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“好喔

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馬上來”

120
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就去拿健怡可樂

121
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他們走回備餐區...

122
00:06:04,323 --> 00:06:06,283
然後再出來

123
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“幫您上健怡”
故意含糊其詞只講“健怡”

124
00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:15,918
然後又躲回小小的艙板
還是什麼後面

125
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我就這樣...

126
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我早就知道了

127
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他們就...

128
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“被發現了,很爛吧,抱歉”

129
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不

130
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不管你要求什麼服務

131
00:06:38,482 --> 00:06:41,901
通常只會得到難喝的水

132
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我說:“可以給我水嗎?”
對方說:“可以”

133
00:06:44,363 --> 00:06:47,156
然後拿了一大瓶水過來,我就...

134
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她又說:“不是...”

135
00:06:49,785 --> 00:06:52,495
你的只有這小小一杯

136
00:06:52,496 --> 00:06:55,124
看牙醫時漱口用的水

137
00:07:00,504 --> 00:07:01,672
“可以收了嗎?”

138
00:07:02,172 --> 00:07:03,257
“我還沒好”

139
00:07:04,842 --> 00:07:06,968
“可以了”

140
00:07:06,969 --> 00:07:09,595
之後她又拿個沙鼠餵食器過來

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我就...

142
00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:15,686
然後在降落之前她又拿了這個來

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00:07:16,854 --> 00:07:17,813
我...

144
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:22,650
太扯了,剩下的我就不說了

145
00:07:22,651 --> 00:07:23,819
好,所以說...

146
00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:29,073
我會看機上電影

147
00:07:29,074 --> 00:07:30,241
達美航空的電影超爛

148
00:07:30,242 --> 00:07:33,120
不要指名,但他們的片單最爛

149
00:07:35,247 --> 00:07:37,623
我看著那爛透的片單

150
00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:40,960
彷彿在說:“瞧瞧我們的新片吧?”
多謝喔

151
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:45,048
“達美啊,《我的雨林朋友》
不能算新片吧”

152
00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,303
《27件禮服的秘密》

153
00:07:51,096 --> 00:07:52,848
別逼我去查證,真的

154
00:07:53,724 --> 00:07:54,975
2004年的電影

155
00:07:56,685 --> 00:07:59,521
最後我決定看《蜂刑者》
這部片不錯

156
00:08:00,522 --> 00:08:04,109
符合預期,傑森史塔森表現就那樣

157
00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:06,485
他演什麼片都一樣

158
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:09,614
他演技很好,但又每部片都一樣

159
00:08:09,615 --> 00:08:13,075
皺著眉頭,心事重重,話說得不多

160
00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:15,203
但《蜂刑者》的問題是

161
00:08:15,204 --> 00:08:19,166
以劇本寫作技巧來說...
畢竟我是寫作的人

162
00:08:19,750 --> 00:08:22,044
我會用另一種視角看電影

163
00:08:23,212 --> 00:08:25,881
透過不一樣的稜鏡,可以這麼說吧

164
00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:28,549
讓人有點在意

165
00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:32,386
他是養蜂人,嗡嗡嗡
穿了全套裝備,戴著帽子

166
00:08:32,387 --> 00:08:37,183
他養蜂是因為逃過了
聯邦調查局的追緝

167
00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:40,937
之前的他是個殺手,代號“養蜂人”

168
00:08:40,938 --> 00:08:41,855
各位...

169
00:08:43,273 --> 00:08:45,317
可以讓他是別的...

170
00:08:46,109 --> 00:08:47,860
不要讓他這麼容易漏餡嘛

171
00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:49,987
是要確定第一幕就抓得到他嗎?

172
00:08:49,988 --> 00:08:53,115
他們就會說:“他...那傢伙是養蜂人”

173
00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:54,408
怎麼能這麼容易

174
00:08:54,409 --> 00:08:56,703
好歹去鞋店上班,懂我意思嗎?

175
00:08:58,914 --> 00:09:01,916
然後他們竟然就抓到人了
整個過程不出四分鐘

176
00:09:01,917 --> 00:09:04,252
火速把他認識的人都殺光

177
00:09:04,253 --> 00:09:05,295
然後

178
00:09:06,004 --> 00:09:08,507
他很生氣地摘掉帽子說

179
00:09:09,591 --> 00:09:11,510
“我是養蜂人

180
00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:15,472
我是養蜜蜂的

181
00:09:16,974 --> 00:09:20,727
要是被我逮到,小心被螫”

182
00:09:21,395 --> 00:09:23,187
我心想:“那是蜜蜂好嗎”

183
00:09:23,188 --> 00:09:25,314
問題就在這裡

184
00:09:25,315 --> 00:09:27,234
你到底是蜜蜂,還是養蜂人?

185
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:30,194
這裡我就不滿意,然後他又說

186
00:09:30,195 --> 00:09:32,905
“如果被我螫了,會沒命的”

187
00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:35,950
那還是蜜蜂,蜜蜂也會死

188
00:09:35,951 --> 00:09:37,786
人不會死,會死的是蜜蜂

189
00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:42,206
我想說不能再看下去了

190
00:09:42,207 --> 00:09:43,917
太離譜,受不了了

191
00:09:47,296 --> 00:09:49,005
我們來講頭條新聞吧

192
00:09:49,006 --> 00:09:51,257
強尼戴普的案子是怎麼回事?

193
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:52,467
有些已經是舊聞了

194
00:09:54,845 --> 00:09:56,554
我覺得他會這麼做

195
00:09:56,555 --> 00:09:58,307
應該也會勝訴

196
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:03,853
那個安柏赫德很正
她的問題就是太漂亮了

197
00:10:03,854 --> 00:10:06,897
人家說嘛,腦袋瘋癲,床上大便

198
00:10:06,898 --> 00:10:08,191
有人同意嗎?這個人?

199
00:10:08,483 --> 00:10:09,443
你說了

200
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:13,572
她應該這樣行銷自己的
還等什麼啊?

201
00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:21,787
可是那艘去參觀鐵達尼的潛水艇啊

202
00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:23,707
不是,你們聽我說

203
00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:27,044
我好懷念那瘋狂的潛水艇

204
00:10:27,753 --> 00:10:30,339
我有兩個星期都放不下它

205
00:10:31,214 --> 00:10:34,800
我提這個是因為他們又來了

206
00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:37,094
又有蠢蛋億萬富翁說

207
00:10:37,095 --> 00:10:40,181
“我們搭危險的精微潛水艇
去參觀鐵達尼吧”

208
00:10:40,182 --> 00:10:41,350
結果失敗

209
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:44,310
這不是當然的嗎?我可以給他看資料

210
00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:46,896
不可以...億萬富翁就是這樣

211
00:10:46,897 --> 00:10:49,231
不是想潛進海底就是上火星

212
00:10:49,232 --> 00:10:50,649
知道嗎?我也很有錢

213
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:53,153
我在地球表面就有事情做了

214
00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:57,240
到處跑跑,去餐廳吃吃飯
都有事情可以做

215
00:11:00,202 --> 00:11:03,412
這些人...誰會想去地球的岩漿層?

216
00:11:03,413 --> 00:11:05,832
太扯了,在那八呎長的潛水器裡

217
00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:09,293
他們還塞了八個億萬富翁

218
00:11:09,294 --> 00:11:12,631
得像在搭西南航空
那樣翹腳坐著,我才不要

219
00:11:13,757 --> 00:11:15,926
叫我在裡面拍抖音我都不要

220
00:11:16,301 --> 00:11:18,260
還從外面鎖起來

221
00:11:18,261 --> 00:11:21,305
就算你正好帶了扳手又怎樣

222
00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:22,766
“等等,這...”

223
00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:27,895
他們潛到水底

224
00:11:27,896 --> 00:11:30,398
在IG發文說:“知道這有多深嗎?”

225
00:11:30,399 --> 00:11:31,774
我會說:“還滿遠的”

226
00:11:31,775 --> 00:11:33,067
“不是,你看

227
00:11:33,068 --> 00:11:36,904
這是比例尺,這是海
你在海裡就是這麼大

228
00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:40,199
比這還遠,這是自由女神像,更遠

229
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,284
這樣是十個酷斯拉,更遠

230
00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:44,203
到這個程度鯊魚就會頭痛”

231
00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:45,914
“好,我懂了”

232
00:11:46,748 --> 00:11:48,417
鯊魚的照片就這樣...

233
00:11:51,253 --> 00:11:53,546
只有個一呎寬的窗戶,上面還有苔蘚

234
00:11:53,547 --> 00:11:54,923
到底哪裡吸引人?

235
00:11:56,258 --> 00:11:58,342
再說了,內爆

236
00:11:58,343 --> 00:11:59,344
真的不行

237
00:11:59,886 --> 00:12:03,556
也許優點是很快,但還是太悲哀了

238
00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:06,518
我不想要人生的最後五秒是...

239
00:12:08,770 --> 00:12:10,146
“有聽到爆米花的聲音嗎?”

240
00:12:10,147 --> 00:12:11,148
你知道的...

241
00:12:18,155 --> 00:12:20,323
這個笑話不好笑,我不喜歡

242
00:12:24,661 --> 00:12:26,454
還有火星

243
00:12:26,455 --> 00:12:28,081
媽的,火星也不行

244
00:12:28,832 --> 00:12:30,583
告訴億萬富翁們一個壞消息

245
00:12:30,584 --> 00:12:33,210
火星比月球還爛,什麼都沒有

246
00:12:33,211 --> 00:12:35,797
只是更遠而已,你想跑那麼遠啊?

247
00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:38,883
除非有我喜歡的外星人我才去

248
00:12:38,884 --> 00:12:40,509
小時候我好迷《ET外星人》

249
00:12:40,510 --> 00:12:44,013
你們年紀太小了
那部電影很有意思的

250
00:12:44,014 --> 00:12:45,514
一隻小小的外星人

251
00:12:45,515 --> 00:12:46,724
對了,我八歲的時候

252
00:12:46,725 --> 00:12:49,226
其實沒有很喜歡外星人
不曉得為什麼

253
00:12:49,227 --> 00:12:52,313
他長得很像乾掉的牛肉乾

254
00:12:52,314 --> 00:12:54,190
以前的小孩喜歡這種的嗎?

255
00:12:54,191 --> 00:12:57,402
就連大導演史匹柏
早期開製作會議時應該也會說...

256
00:12:58,862 --> 00:13:02,449
“這個燒焦像被車輾過的...
就是我們的主角?

257
00:13:02,949 --> 00:13:05,117
我想的是芝麻街艾摩那樣的”

258
00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:08,913
這傢伙根本是用烏鴉的腳做的
整個身體都是,太扯了

259
00:13:08,914 --> 00:13:10,289
他就這樣...

260
00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:12,124
乾癟到不行,我知道...

261
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:14,668
飛太久會乾掉,我懂

262
00:13:14,669 --> 00:13:17,506
我飛到亞利桑那州花了一小時
我也很乾,所以我理解

263
00:13:18,256 --> 00:13:19,382
這些小孩...

264
00:13:19,883 --> 00:13:22,384
外星人從太空船走出來

265
00:13:22,385 --> 00:13:24,596
先幫他們擦個乳液如何?

266
00:13:24,930 --> 00:13:26,848
那是首要之務啊

267
00:13:27,849 --> 00:13:30,644
裂縫都上點椰子油,拜託

268
00:13:31,603 --> 00:13:33,605
這樣我才能好好跟他們對話

269
00:13:34,606 --> 00:13:35,482
他...

270
00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:39,277
我好著迷啊

271
00:13:39,694 --> 00:13:42,905
格蒂有點笨,但她也才五歲,沒辦法

272
00:13:42,906 --> 00:13:44,573
她又懂什麼呢?她說

273
00:13:44,574 --> 00:13:47,243
“天啊,外星人,我們進去吧
我做馬鈴薯給你吃”

274
00:13:47,244 --> 00:13:49,746
太空來的怪物不要碰

275
00:13:50,747 --> 00:13:53,416
身上都是太空新冠病毒啊

276
00:13:54,709 --> 00:13:56,919
格蒂,如果你想幫我們的忙

277
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:59,673
就拿個耙子戳他一下

278
00:14:00,549 --> 00:14:03,425
爭取反應時間,這傢伙怎麼回事?

279
00:14:03,426 --> 00:14:04,677
他的脾氣如何?

280
00:14:04,678 --> 00:14:06,637
把他打倒,不要拉他起來

281
00:14:06,638 --> 00:14:08,430
勾著他的腳,把他拖到穀倉裡

282
00:14:08,431 --> 00:14:10,267
不是進客廳,是進穀倉

283
00:14:11,685 --> 00:14:13,143
先做一輪測試再說

284
00:14:13,144 --> 00:14:15,104
好,我扯遠了

285
00:14:15,105 --> 00:14:17,189
剛才講到海洋

286
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:18,733
所以海洋...

287
00:14:19,776 --> 00:14:20,651
反正有人講到啦

288
00:14:20,652 --> 00:14:22,112
海裡...

289
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:25,990
我喜歡海,但是又怕海

290
00:14:25,991 --> 00:14:28,450
怕海是後來的事,小時候我很喜歡海

291
00:14:28,451 --> 00:14:30,619
有大浪時我都會想:“我不要進去”

292
00:14:30,620 --> 00:14:32,914
長大以後就算是浮潛

293
00:14:33,748 --> 00:14:36,667
只要稍微進水
我就會大叫:“拉我上去!”

294
00:14:36,668 --> 00:14:40,254
別人會說:“你站起來了,沒事的

295
00:14:40,255 --> 00:14:41,880
水只有三呎深

296
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:44,216
只要把頭抬起來

297
00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:46,177
然後...水就流掉了”

298
00:14:46,803 --> 00:14:47,637
我就...

299
00:14:48,346 --> 00:14:51,974
“真的好險,只差一點點

300
00:14:51,975 --> 00:14:54,269
大海生氣了”

301
00:14:54,644 --> 00:14:58,732
“才怪,這裡是游泳池
但我懂啦,很恐怖”

302
00:15:00,859 --> 00:15:02,735
《ET外星人》...《斷背山》

303
00:15:02,736 --> 00:15:04,195
聽說要拍...

304
00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:06,030
我聊一下電影

305
00:15:06,031 --> 00:15:08,574
畢竟我在好萊塢,有聽到一些消息

306
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:11,995
謠傳《斷背山》要重啟

307
00:15:13,204 --> 00:15:14,039
但是

308
00:15:14,331 --> 00:15:15,914
這次清一色都是女生

309
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:18,877
其實我不認為這是個好主意,因為...

310
00:15:19,628 --> 00:15:22,087
第一部...

311
00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:23,672
整個感覺就

312
00:15:23,673 --> 00:15:27,302
很危險,男上加男,禁忌感十足

313
00:15:27,969 --> 00:15:31,013
他們說有可能是艾瑪華森和瑪格羅比

314
00:15:31,014 --> 00:15:32,390
我說:“這個嘛...”

315
00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:38,188
“有拍出藝術感就好”,懂我意思嗎...

316
00:15:39,856 --> 00:15:42,067
我算什麼咖敢對電影指手畫腳?

317
00:15:44,402 --> 00:15:46,904
拍得寫實一點,多點剪刀腳

318
00:15:46,905 --> 00:15:50,033
開心一下嘛,好好做,懂我意思嗎?

319
00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:05,340
不知道實際上怎麼做啦
我自己想像的

320
00:16:07,258 --> 00:16:09,386
不曉得噪音會不會那麼多

321
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:12,263
噴點潤滑劑

322
00:16:15,517 --> 00:16:16,643
嘿喲

323
00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:19,145
天啊

324
00:16:19,938 --> 00:16:22,774
看深夜電視節目最傻了

325
00:16:24,109 --> 00:16:26,945
半夜三點,我在看Lifetime頻道

326
00:16:28,071 --> 00:16:30,155
有個節目...

327
00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:32,866
講一個體重過重的女演員搬到好萊塢

328
00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:34,577
《130磅的人生》

329
00:16:39,374 --> 00:16:41,333
有一集是講一個狗狗醫生

330
00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:42,876
大家都喜歡狗

331
00:16:42,877 --> 00:16:44,878
這家狗狗診所整個晚上都有營業

332
00:16:44,879 --> 00:16:47,132
來診所的人都很浮誇

333
00:16:47,465 --> 00:16:50,634
說什麼:“我的狗明明是獅子座
卻一副魔羯座的樣子”

334
00:16:50,635 --> 00:16:54,179
醫生就說:“好,這樣多久了?”

335
00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:55,682
“月亮星座是什麼?”

336
00:16:58,518 --> 00:16:59,852
我養了一條狗

337
00:16:59,853 --> 00:17:02,855
牠很會耍笨,超可愛惹人疼

338
00:17:02,856 --> 00:17:04,357
情緒表現有點單調

339
00:17:04,691 --> 00:17:06,359
牠會開心

340
00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:09,487
會難過,但從來不覺得丟臉

341
00:17:11,114 --> 00:17:12,614
只會做些丟臉的事

342
00:17:12,615 --> 00:17:15,617
從來不...例如直接撞上玻璃門...

343
00:17:15,618 --> 00:17:19,288
一副怎麼回事的樣子,我說:“不對”

344
00:17:19,289 --> 00:17:21,206
怎麼會這種反應

345
00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:23,250
牠看著我像在說:“你剛有看到嗎?”

346
00:17:23,251 --> 00:17:24,460
“不對吧”

347
00:17:24,461 --> 00:17:26,671
走過來的時候嘴裡吃著屎...

348
00:17:27,088 --> 00:17:29,173
我說:“你在吃屎嗎?”

349
00:17:29,174 --> 00:17:30,133
牠就...

350
00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:34,012
好像那是高檔超市買的食材

351
00:17:36,306 --> 00:17:38,640
有天晚上我的狗重重摔了一跤

352
00:17:38,641 --> 00:17:41,185
我簡直無法相信,當時我在看電視

353
00:17:41,186 --> 00:17:43,145
我心想:“到底怎麼了?”

354
00:17:43,146 --> 00:17:45,106
足足有半分鐘,我好希望狗會說話

355
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:49,234
“告訴我經過”
牠一副:“我可以講話嗎?好”

356
00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:50,153
“快說”

357
00:17:50,862 --> 00:17:52,029
“好

358
00:17:52,030 --> 00:17:55,866
你在看電視對吧?我在屋子很後面

359
00:17:55,867 --> 00:17:57,409
我以為你叫了我的名字

360
00:17:57,410 --> 00:18:00,037
不太確定,老實說我正在繞圈跑

361
00:18:00,038 --> 00:18:02,414
我就全速跑啊跑

362
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:06,126
跑得超級爽,用四隻腳狂奔

363
00:18:06,127 --> 00:18:08,337
覺得我跑得真他媽快,水啦!

364
00:18:08,338 --> 00:18:09,671
超級投入的,懂嗎?

365
00:18:09,672 --> 00:18:12,674
耳朵撇在後面,我跑得超開心

366
00:18:12,675 --> 00:18:15,928
然後看到鋼琴,我心想我要繞開

367
00:18:15,929 --> 00:18:18,305
不是我故意的,我真的沒有

368
00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:21,600
我就想說停下來比較好,然後

369
00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:24,186
我踩了煞車,但完全沒用

370
00:18:24,187 --> 00:18:27,731
因為我腳下是實木地板

371
00:18:27,732 --> 00:18:28,690
所以很滑

372
00:18:28,691 --> 00:18:31,236
我的趾甲又太長了,這要怪你

373
00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:32,695
所以...

374
00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:36,198
我的體型就是個茶壺嘛

375
00:18:36,199 --> 00:18:38,325
屁股很大,我就開始轉起圈來

376
00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:40,911
一直轉,速度很快一直轉

377
00:18:40,912 --> 00:18:42,746
簡直像水上飛機,有這個詞吧

378
00:18:42,747 --> 00:18:44,206
結果我變成在後退

379
00:18:44,207 --> 00:18:46,458
我想說不管了,神啊交給你吧

380
00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:48,127
我也不知道什麼狀況了

381
00:18:49,879 --> 00:18:53,715
我一個轉身把鋼琴腳
像保齡球瓶一樣撞斷

382
00:18:53,716 --> 00:18:55,300
鋼琴倒在我身上

383
00:18:55,301 --> 00:18:58,512
水晶吊燈不知為何也掉了
玻璃碎片啊,照片啊

384
00:18:58,513 --> 00:19:01,223
亂到不行,我的天

385
00:19:01,224 --> 00:19:03,767
我還跳起來想看電視上有什麼好看的

386
00:19:03,768 --> 00:19:04,853
播什麼節目?

387
00:19:06,938 --> 00:19:08,356
是《加州公路巡警》嗎?”

388
00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:14,571
“對”

389
00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:19,158
我也不知道自己幹嘛講這個故事

390
00:19:21,286 --> 00:19:22,661
講另一個故事好了

391
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:26,165
這裡是丹佛野馬隊的主場
各位知道嗎?

392
00:19:27,959 --> 00:19:29,043
閃吧

393
00:19:30,545 --> 00:19:34,464
我最近一次去看美式足球

394
00:19:34,465 --> 00:19:36,425
是泰勒絲超級盃

395
00:19:36,426 --> 00:19:37,844
如果你也看了那場

396
00:19:38,636 --> 00:19:40,680
有件事很有意思

397
00:19:41,806 --> 00:19:43,181
超級有名的人去看球

398
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:46,810
有名到我整場都在看她看球而已

399
00:19:46,811 --> 00:19:48,937
很不得了的現象

400
00:19:48,938 --> 00:19:50,939
而且現場有18台攝影機對著她

401
00:19:50,940 --> 00:19:53,526
只有三台在拍球賽,我覺得超詭異

402
00:19:54,110 --> 00:19:57,821
可憐的泰勒絲在包廂裡
想輕鬆看球卻沒辦法

403
00:19:57,822 --> 00:20:01,491
我們一般人看五小時的球賽
可以不用太專心

404
00:20:01,492 --> 00:20:02,993
但她必須一直...

405
00:20:02,994 --> 00:20:06,246
“第一檔進攻,第二檔進攻
第三檔,第四檔...”

406
00:20:06,247 --> 00:20:07,539
你懂的

407
00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:11,335
要是她想起身吃個捲餅也會說

408
00:20:11,336 --> 00:20:13,463
“欸,後面怎麼回事?”

409
00:20:13,838 --> 00:20:16,883
“這墨西哥酥餅都涼了
裡面還只有包菜

410
00:20:17,258 --> 00:20:19,677
掉球了...媽的,那是我男人嗎?

411
00:20:20,511 --> 00:20:21,971
那是我男人嗎?

412
00:20:22,347 --> 00:20:24,390
他穿紅色嗎?有看到嗎?

413
00:20:24,974 --> 00:20:26,016
發生什麼事了?”

414
00:20:26,017 --> 00:20:28,226
大家會說:“天啊,他們分手了”

415
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,187
那真是...

416
00:20:30,438 --> 00:20:31,897
“她已經沒放心思在感情了”

417
00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:33,733
她要面對的就是這些

418
00:20:34,776 --> 00:20:36,444
相反地

419
00:20:36,945 --> 00:20:39,988
就情侶間的一般對話,球賽後他要...

420
00:20:39,989 --> 00:20:42,074
去賭城參加個告別單身派對

421
00:20:42,075 --> 00:20:43,409
她說...

422
00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:49,790
“我在想你可以來澳洲看我的表演”

423
00:20:49,791 --> 00:20:52,459
他說:“好啊”

424
00:20:52,460 --> 00:20:54,295
他根本不知道澳洲在哪裡

425
00:20:54,879 --> 00:20:55,964
你知道的

426
00:20:58,257 --> 00:21:01,094
然後...他就說

427
00:21:01,803 --> 00:21:03,971
“寶貝,我上旅遊城市查過了

428
00:21:03,972 --> 00:21:06,307
從休士頓過去大概要80個小時”

429
00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:08,810
她說

430
00:21:09,435 --> 00:21:10,395
“對啊”

431
00:21:11,688 --> 00:21:12,522
他說

432
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:17,735
“所以你有新歌還是...”

433
00:21:18,987 --> 00:21:19,904
“沒有”

434
00:21:23,324 --> 00:21:25,701
“就我看過30次的
那五小時的表演?要在這?

435
00:21:25,702 --> 00:21:28,370
好...不要

436
00:21:28,371 --> 00:21:29,496
好啦...”

437
00:21:29,497 --> 00:21:31,498
不是...

438
00:21:31,499 --> 00:21:32,667
然後她說

439
00:21:33,334 --> 00:21:35,210
“你就弄架私人飛機飛過來啊”

440
00:21:35,211 --> 00:21:38,840
他說:“也是
要花我一年多的薪水,沒問題”

441
00:21:39,465 --> 00:21:41,717
等他到了,狀況又反過來

442
00:21:41,718 --> 00:21:44,386
大家都在看他看她

443
00:21:44,387 --> 00:21:47,098
他也得跳個舞,就這樣...

444
00:21:53,396 --> 00:21:57,065
大家會說:“這就對了
還有兩百首歌呢”

445
00:21:57,066 --> 00:22:00,902
他說:“要命,太多了吧”

446
00:22:00,903 --> 00:22:03,531
上次我只學到三首

447
00:22:06,951 --> 00:22:09,912
我全身痠痛,媽的,光是呼吸而已

448
00:22:10,913 --> 00:22:12,081
就是有點痠痛

449
00:22:13,499 --> 00:22:15,792
我在麥當勞遇到一點麻煩

450
00:22:15,793 --> 00:22:17,253
跟人起了糾紛

451
00:22:17,962 --> 00:22:19,129
我不該去那裡的

452
00:22:19,130 --> 00:22:21,548
我有點像蒲公英
不曉得各位看不看得出來

453
00:22:21,549 --> 00:22:25,303
在電視上看起來很強悍
但現實中不是這樣

454
00:22:27,263 --> 00:22:29,307
電視會騙人啊

455
00:22:30,725 --> 00:22:33,101
我去麥當勞是因為我就像傻喬一樣

456
00:22:33,102 --> 00:22:34,853
我還是動不動就去麥當勞

457
00:22:34,854 --> 00:22:36,814
但有時候會開車買得來速

458
00:22:37,231 --> 00:22:38,690
我開過去

459
00:22:38,691 --> 00:22:41,443
這是兩個星期前
在好萊塢發生的事,我開過去...

460
00:22:41,444 --> 00:22:43,321
謝啦,貝佐斯,我...

461
00:22:44,155 --> 00:22:45,156
媽的

462
00:22:46,699 --> 00:22:49,618
他們最後問了我
“可以幫忙收個線嗎?

463
00:22:49,619 --> 00:22:52,245
捲緊一點,不行也沒關係

464
00:22:52,246 --> 00:22:53,498
完全沒關係

465
00:22:54,415 --> 00:22:57,335
我們這裡有一百個工作人員
沒關係,可以也很好”

466
00:22:59,295 --> 00:23:00,797
所以我去麥當勞

467
00:23:01,547 --> 00:23:04,342
我排第三個,然後我看到...

468
00:23:05,218 --> 00:23:06,093
畢竟是好萊塢嘛

469
00:23:06,094 --> 00:23:08,054
草叢裡冒出一個瘋子

470
00:23:08,513 --> 00:23:11,640
沒穿上衣,全身汗,很詭異
手上拿著T恤

471
00:23:11,641 --> 00:23:12,809
我就這樣

472
00:23:14,852 --> 00:23:16,978
他走到正在點餐的人旁邊

473
00:23:16,979 --> 00:23:20,357
開始打別人的臉,打人家的擋風玻璃

474
00:23:20,358 --> 00:23:22,276
點餐的店員...

475
00:23:22,735 --> 00:23:24,236
我就這樣

476
00:23:24,237 --> 00:23:26,781
“好吧,倒車好了

477
00:23:27,657 --> 00:23:29,991
大家都後退”

478
00:23:29,992 --> 00:23:31,911
我回到這裡心想

479
00:23:32,745 --> 00:23:35,539
“停車好了,我不想走
我想留下來看好戲”

480
00:23:35,540 --> 00:23:36,457
所以...

481
00:23:36,874 --> 00:23:39,376
我不想被打,但也不想錯過好戲

482
00:23:39,377 --> 00:23:41,294
我就說:“這應該會很酷”

483
00:23:41,295 --> 00:23:45,215
我就進去點了六塊麥克雞塊

484
00:23:45,216 --> 00:23:48,261
回來坐在窗邊等著好戲開演

485
00:23:49,262 --> 00:23:52,889
我盒子都還沒打開
抬頭一看,他已經不鬧了

486
00:23:52,890 --> 00:23:54,474
我想說這怎麼行?

487
00:23:54,475 --> 00:23:56,643
結果他走向我,我...

488
00:23:56,644 --> 00:23:58,562
根本無法思考,只求他不要過來...

489
00:23:58,563 --> 00:24:00,523
看地上,我是隱形人

490
00:24:01,607 --> 00:24:04,151
因為我根本動不了
只希望他不要認識我

491
00:24:04,152 --> 00:24:05,403
於是...

492
00:24:05,820 --> 00:24:08,113
門一開,我看到他的腳

493
00:24:08,114 --> 00:24:11,241
他說:“幫個忙好嗎?”

494
00:24:11,242 --> 00:24:12,702
我說好

495
00:24:13,244 --> 00:24:14,828
“這裡有十塊”

496
00:24:14,829 --> 00:24:18,123
他當然不走,然後他又說

497
00:24:18,124 --> 00:24:19,834
“把你的麥克雞塊給我”

498
00:24:23,754 --> 00:24:25,548
我說我不要

499
00:24:26,716 --> 00:24:27,717
丹佛鄉親

500
00:24:28,593 --> 00:24:30,427
你們不知道我有多懦弱

501
00:24:30,428 --> 00:24:32,637
我到底在幹嘛

502
00:24:32,638 --> 00:24:34,931
有時候我都受不了自己

503
00:24:34,932 --> 00:24:37,684
我難道要死在這嗎?
要死在這山坡上嗎?

504
00:24:37,685 --> 00:24:39,936
我說:“我給你一塊”

505
00:24:39,937 --> 00:24:42,565
因為我確實有點沒種

506
00:24:43,941 --> 00:24:46,359
因為他手上拿著一塊空心磚
我剛有講嗎?

507
00:24:46,360 --> 00:24:47,569
空心磚耶!

508
00:24:47,570 --> 00:24:49,988
他根本不提,就這樣

509
00:24:49,989 --> 00:24:50,990
我...

510
00:24:51,574 --> 00:24:53,825
其實他應該說
“嘿,這是我的幸運空心磚”

511
00:24:53,826 --> 00:24:57,121
要我別怕之類的,可是他就這樣

512
00:24:58,164 --> 00:25:02,250
我被空心磚砸到會很慘

513
00:25:02,251 --> 00:25:04,502
我骨頭很脆弱,不管你打我哪裡

514
00:25:04,503 --> 00:25:06,171
都會出問題,我說真的

515
00:25:06,172 --> 00:25:08,298
就算只是灰塵掉下來
也不行,我會很癢

516
00:25:08,299 --> 00:25:09,341
於是我...

517
00:25:09,342 --> 00:25:12,510
反正我就是會給他一塊

518
00:25:12,511 --> 00:25:14,388
總結來說是這樣

519
00:25:15,556 --> 00:25:17,140
我說:“我給你一塊”

520
00:25:17,141 --> 00:25:19,059
他也沒說什麼

521
00:25:19,060 --> 00:25:20,268
我就...

522
00:25:20,269 --> 00:25:22,520
這說起來很沒禮貌
但我真希望當時有夾子

523
00:25:22,521 --> 00:25:23,689
我就給他...

524
00:25:24,565 --> 00:25:28,027
他舉起那汗溼到不行的手

525
00:25:28,611 --> 00:25:30,196
像超吸水魔巾一樣

526
00:25:30,863 --> 00:25:31,739
我...

527
00:25:34,283 --> 00:25:36,534
拿給他,他一副不在乎的樣子

528
00:25:36,535 --> 00:25:38,329
放進口袋然後...

529
00:25:39,830 --> 00:25:41,874
叫我再給他一塊,我...

530
00:25:42,917 --> 00:25:44,293
可是他不知道

531
00:25:44,835 --> 00:25:47,045
六塊裡面我只會吃四塊

532
00:25:47,046 --> 00:25:50,715
所以我還沒輸, 但有點危急了

533
00:25:50,716 --> 00:25:53,635
我還是有遲疑一下...

534
00:25:53,636 --> 00:25:54,844
於是我給他第二塊

535
00:25:54,845 --> 00:25:57,013
當然還沒完
他又叫我把剩下的也給他

536
00:25:57,014 --> 00:25:59,266
這時候就該做抉擇了

537
00:25:59,267 --> 00:26:00,643
要拼個輸贏嗎?

538
00:26:02,478 --> 00:26:03,728
我...

539
00:26:03,729 --> 00:26:06,399
在切換成戰鬥模式之前,我...

540
00:26:06,983 --> 00:26:08,566
我動腦想了想然後說

541
00:26:08,567 --> 00:26:11,069
“不然我給你十元,你自己去買?”

542
00:26:11,070 --> 00:26:12,029
他...

543
00:26:14,615 --> 00:26:17,493
看得出來他覺得這行得通

544
00:26:17,952 --> 00:26:20,537
我眼光掃向兩個店員
他們一直使眼色

545
00:26:20,538 --> 00:26:22,123
“不要!”

546
00:26:23,249 --> 00:26:26,252
我說:“他們在等你了,快去”

547
00:26:27,128 --> 00:26:29,087
他才稍微轉身我就...

548
00:26:29,088 --> 00:26:31,089
一溜煙躲到車子裡開始哭

549
00:26:31,090 --> 00:26:33,883
但我還是勇敢面對混混了
丹佛鄉親們

550
00:26:33,884 --> 00:26:36,262
對,我面對混混
也沒有退縮,給我掌聲鼓勵

551
00:26:43,769 --> 00:26:44,812
嚇死人了

552
00:26:45,980 --> 00:26:48,566
我差點就拉在褲子...說到這個
我去做了大腸鏡檢查

553
00:26:49,150 --> 00:26:50,526
趴好,小姐們

554
00:26:52,737 --> 00:26:54,195
很快講完,22分鐘

555
00:26:54,196 --> 00:26:55,406
我做了...

556
00:26:56,866 --> 00:26:59,576
我做了大腸鏡檢查

557
00:26:59,577 --> 00:27:01,370
定期要做的...

558
00:27:07,626 --> 00:27:08,877
所以我...

559
00:27:08,878 --> 00:27:10,003
一開始

560
00:27:10,004 --> 00:27:12,589
要喝很多東西清腸

561
00:27:12,590 --> 00:27:14,382
清乾淨,懂我在說什麼嗎?

562
00:27:14,383 --> 00:27:16,384
懂嗎?清整個腸子

563
00:27:16,385 --> 00:27:17,595
我們來看一段影片

564
00:27:18,846 --> 00:27:21,222
可以放影片嗎?我們沒有螢幕吧

565
00:27:21,223 --> 00:27:23,266
你們知道的

566
00:27:23,267 --> 00:27:26,144
他們讓我躺在醫院的輪床上

567
00:27:26,145 --> 00:27:30,607
醫生拿一根這麼大的呼吸管
伸進我窄窄的喉嚨

568
00:27:30,608 --> 00:27:32,567
痛到我事後忍不住說

569
00:27:32,568 --> 00:27:35,863
“你該不會順便把老二
也伸進來了吧?”

570
00:27:38,074 --> 00:27:40,701
他嗆我沒證據,我...

571
00:27:44,163 --> 00:27:46,414
他們叫我躺好之後說

572
00:27:46,415 --> 00:27:50,210
“這是異丙酚”我就失去意識了
而且有點晚才醒來

573
00:27:50,211 --> 00:27:52,796
大家都說很喜歡醒來的部分
但我不喜歡,我...

574
00:27:52,797 --> 00:27:54,422
醫生開始解釋流程

575
00:27:54,423 --> 00:27:56,633
我不想聽,他就留下一份檔案

576
00:27:56,634 --> 00:27:58,385
我醒了之後自己拿來看

577
00:27:58,386 --> 00:28:02,264
四頁的手寫診斷

578
00:28:02,848 --> 00:28:04,141
外加五張很大的圖片

579
00:28:06,060 --> 00:28:07,352
不好意思

580
00:28:07,353 --> 00:28:09,021
拍這個是要做什麼...

581
00:28:09,605 --> 00:28:12,525
五張我屁眼的特寫照

582
00:28:12,942 --> 00:28:14,776
我到底...我要可以放皮夾的大小

583
00:28:14,777 --> 00:28:16,737
我要這些照片幹嘛,貼在冰箱上嗎?

584
00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:20,865
是可以拿去派對發嗎?

585
00:28:20,866 --> 00:28:22,867
人家說:“你好,這是我的作品”

586
00:28:22,868 --> 00:28:25,955
我說:“我相信你
我不知道也不想管你做了什麼

587
00:28:26,747 --> 00:28:28,290
我才不在乎你有沒有做”

588
00:28:29,667 --> 00:28:32,336
他們伸進去檢查...

589
00:28:32,795 --> 00:28:34,796
真的會搞得你很累,我累到說

590
00:28:34,797 --> 00:28:37,882
“我好像從檯子上摔下來”
真的全身痠到不行

591
00:28:37,883 --> 00:28:40,844
我去問他們
“我有從檯子上摔下來嗎?”

592
00:28:40,845 --> 00:28:43,054
對方說:“你什麼?沒有”

593
00:28:43,055 --> 00:28:47,225
我說:“我腿上這裡有瘀傷

594
00:28:47,226 --> 00:28:48,726
鎖骨也骨折了”

595
00:28:48,727 --> 00:28:51,646
他說:“那應該是正常的”

596
00:28:51,647 --> 00:28:52,731
我說...

597
00:28:54,191 --> 00:28:56,777
“不是吧,我入院之前沒這樣

598
00:28:58,028 --> 00:28:59,404
我腳踝也扭到了

599
00:28:59,405 --> 00:29:01,615
我大概摔下來幾次?”

600
00:29:04,660 --> 00:29:08,288
這是真的,我在Youtube
看過一個抽脂影片

601
00:29:08,289 --> 00:29:12,584
他們...我想像他們把皮膚掀起來

602
00:29:12,585 --> 00:29:14,712
小小的吸脂器就這樣...

603
00:29:15,838 --> 00:29:17,046
“可以了”

604
00:29:17,047 --> 00:29:18,007
完全不是

605
00:29:18,716 --> 00:29:21,217
實際上是皮膚掀起來

606
00:29:21,218 --> 00:29:23,303
音響打開

607
00:29:23,304 --> 00:29:26,931
“瑪吉今天生日,待會忙完
我們都要去班尼根餐廳”

608
00:29:26,932 --> 00:29:28,058
那人就這樣...

609
00:29:28,809 --> 00:29:31,103
我想說:“天啊!真要命”

610
00:29:32,271 --> 00:29:35,566
拜託誰去做點什麼好嗎
難怪大家身上都是瘀青

611
00:29:37,443 --> 00:29:38,652
於是我醒來

612
00:29:39,612 --> 00:29:42,865
經過一堆繁複的程序,我離開了

613
00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:45,075
隔天我的身體跟我說

614
00:29:46,243 --> 00:29:49,204
我走路怪怪的
我說:“沒有吧,怎麼了嗎?”

615
00:29:49,205 --> 00:29:51,456
身體說:“你屁眼是不是很痛?”

616
00:29:51,457 --> 00:29:54,250
我說:“沒有啊,幹嘛問?”

617
00:29:54,251 --> 00:29:57,004
“你昨天不是去做大腸鏡嗎?”

618
00:29:57,838 --> 00:29:59,715
“天啊,我什麼感覺都沒有”

619
00:30:01,008 --> 00:30:03,927
他說:“那就奇怪了”
我說:“我不喜歡這樣”

620
00:30:03,928 --> 00:30:06,763
因為我突然好怕

621
00:30:06,764 --> 00:30:09,766
如果我被外星人綁架呢?
雖然應該不會發生,但...

622
00:30:09,767 --> 00:30:11,559
萬一我被外星人綁架呢?

623
00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:13,853
他們推我去給火車撞我都不會有感覺

624
00:30:13,854 --> 00:30:14,855
我根本不會知道

625
00:30:15,940 --> 00:30:18,066
我回到地球儼然是個英雄
成為輿論焦點

626
00:30:18,067 --> 00:30:19,400
人家問我那邊是什麼樣子

627
00:30:19,401 --> 00:30:21,320
我說:“我進了一個房間,然後...”

628
00:30:21,862 --> 00:30:24,365
聊著聊著,就是...

629
00:30:25,032 --> 00:30:27,826
我對地球的了解

630
00:30:28,369 --> 00:30:29,370
後來他們說

631
00:30:30,037 --> 00:30:32,455
“你屁股裡有一千個外星寶寶”

632
00:30:32,456 --> 00:30:36,043
我說:“什麼?不是吧,你說我嗎?

633
00:30:36,794 --> 00:30:40,714
天啊,他們一定是在上面
玩什麼惡作劇”

634
00:30:44,009 --> 00:30:45,093
回到正題

635
00:30:45,094 --> 00:30:47,136
我人很好的理由如下

636
00:30:47,137 --> 00:30:49,180
大概四年前我在慈善活動捐款了

637
00:30:49,181 --> 00:30:50,182
謝謝

638
00:30:52,017 --> 00:30:55,144
我是真的去了一個
為海地募款的慈善活動

639
00:30:55,145 --> 00:30:57,188
好萊塢會辦很盛大的活動

640
00:30:57,189 --> 00:30:59,524
例如海地發生地震的時候

641
00:30:59,525 --> 00:31:03,319
西恩潘會去那裡,坐上獨木舟

642
00:31:03,320 --> 00:31:06,698
漂流一下,推測一下狀況

643
00:31:06,699 --> 00:31:09,617
你們知道的,他回來就會說

644
00:31:09,618 --> 00:31:11,661
“我們要來募款做些好事”

645
00:31:11,662 --> 00:31:15,081
他就找來各家藝人

646
00:31:15,082 --> 00:31:17,000
我們都花了錢

647
00:31:17,001 --> 00:31:19,502
我們的想法是拍賣募款,這很好

648
00:31:19,503 --> 00:31:21,879
他們拍賣的東西都很貴

649
00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:24,800
和小賈斯汀一起搭熱氣球之類的

650
00:31:25,342 --> 00:31:28,679
帶三個朋友和伊隆馬斯克
一起搭火箭上火星...

651
00:31:29,221 --> 00:31:32,849
但是都很貴,所以我有點自私地想

652
00:31:32,850 --> 00:31:36,686
“我就去看看,也許出價也許不會”
其實我就是想去而已

653
00:31:36,687 --> 00:31:38,439
我就去了

654
00:31:39,064 --> 00:31:42,442
跟莎莉賽隆和幾個大明星同桌

655
00:31:42,443 --> 00:31:45,153
當時我已經有點醉

656
00:31:45,154 --> 00:31:49,074
幾杯酒下肚了,但我沒發現自己有醉
因為我很緊張

657
00:31:49,491 --> 00:31:52,535
莎莉在那裡,我翻著小冊子

658
00:31:52,536 --> 00:31:54,038
想說來出個價好了

659
00:31:54,371 --> 00:31:57,749
保羅麥卡尼演唱會的票,外加見面會

660
00:31:57,750 --> 00:31:59,334
我覺得這個就不錯

661
00:31:59,335 --> 00:32:02,046
但上面說金額可能會高達一萬

662
00:32:03,297 --> 00:32:05,173
這我不喜歡,我就想

663
00:32:05,174 --> 00:32:07,759
也許我還是可以出個價然後默默退出

664
00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:09,093
打定主意後

665
00:32:09,094 --> 00:32:10,928
我拿著乒乓球拍說

666
00:32:10,929 --> 00:32:13,348
“莎莉,你要做好準備

667
00:32:13,349 --> 00:32:15,224
這裡可能會有點吵喔”

668
00:32:15,225 --> 00:32:17,602
她說:“你在講話嗎?”

669
00:32:17,603 --> 00:32:20,104
我說:“沒有,沒事
我也不知道怎麼了”

670
00:32:20,105 --> 00:32:23,316
我在幹嘛啊?不要喝醉...可是我醉了

671
00:32:23,317 --> 00:32:25,444
人不想喝醉的時候都會這樣

672
00:32:25,861 --> 00:32:28,030
我拿著乒乓球拍搖啊搖

673
00:32:29,281 --> 00:32:31,574
西恩說:“接下來...”

674
00:32:31,575 --> 00:32:34,452
我已經亂了,不知道自己在幹嘛

675
00:32:34,453 --> 00:32:38,164
他說:“保羅麥卡尼演唱會的票
外加兩張後台見面會入場券”

676
00:32:38,165 --> 00:32:39,249
我就這樣

677
00:32:40,250 --> 00:32:42,460
他說:“從五萬開始喊價

678
00:32:42,461 --> 00:32:43,879
大衛史派德一次”,我...

679
00:32:45,339 --> 00:32:47,632
“他說什麼?他剛說什麼?

680
00:32:47,633 --> 00:32:50,094
不是,他說五...沒有吧
他剛是說50嗎?

681
00:32:50,719 --> 00:32:54,597
什麼意思?不對...西恩”
這百分之百真人真事

682
00:32:54,598 --> 00:32:57,475
“西恩,等一下,我以為你說50”

683
00:32:57,476 --> 00:33:00,645
但這種拍賣會,理想狀況下

684
00:33:00,646 --> 00:33:03,690
價錢會越喊越高
例如你喊一,我喊二

685
00:33:03,691 --> 00:33:05,858
你再喊三,又繼續加價

686
00:33:05,859 --> 00:33:07,860
可能我又會喊出四之類的

687
00:33:07,861 --> 00:33:10,739
但我覺得他起價就喊太高了

688
00:33:12,574 --> 00:33:14,742
現場一片死寂,我環顧四周...

689
00:33:14,743 --> 00:33:16,994
莎莉問我是不是破產了

690
00:33:16,995 --> 00:33:19,080
我說:“不是...我沒破產

691
00:33:19,081 --> 00:33:22,709
我只是覺得好笑
五萬對我來說是零錢啦

692
00:33:22,710 --> 00:33:25,294
只是覺得喊這麼高

693
00:33:25,295 --> 00:33:27,797
真的很好笑

694
00:33:27,798 --> 00:33:29,090
就覺得好笑而已”

695
00:33:29,091 --> 00:33:31,718
可是我又想,我到底在幹嘛?

696
00:33:31,719 --> 00:33:35,012
我已經沒辦法思考了
身體也開始冒汗

697
00:33:35,013 --> 00:33:38,015
但沒辦法,西恩...那時候很像在做夢

698
00:33:38,016 --> 00:33:41,894
他說:“這邊六萬、七萬
史派德八萬”

699
00:33:41,895 --> 00:33:44,773
我說:“八萬?我嗎?又是我”

700
00:33:46,233 --> 00:33:49,026
八萬塊還是只有兩張票

701
00:33:49,027 --> 00:33:50,153
天啊

702
00:33:50,154 --> 00:33:52,363
是黃牛票嗎?老天

703
00:33:52,364 --> 00:33:55,159
手續費也太坑人了吧

704
00:33:57,119 --> 00:33:59,454
但真的就是八萬塊

705
00:33:59,455 --> 00:34:01,749
八萬塊喊了一輪

706
00:34:02,583 --> 00:34:05,168
全場又靜默,我看到李奧納多轉頭說

707
00:34:05,169 --> 00:34:09,465
“誰邀這個人來的?”
我說:“我要,八萬”

708
00:34:11,091 --> 00:34:13,635
現在已經藏不住了,我就這樣

709
00:34:15,512 --> 00:34:18,139
然後他秒回“九萬,史派德,十萬”

710
00:34:18,140 --> 00:34:21,017
我說:“十萬怎麼可能啦,才過一秒

711
00:34:21,018 --> 00:34:23,895
十萬太扯了,我本來不該來的”

712
00:34:23,896 --> 00:34:24,937
我就崩潰了

713
00:34:24,938 --> 00:34:26,689
“各位,我根本不知道我來幹嘛

714
00:34:26,690 --> 00:34:28,691
我只是來玩玩,真的不該來的

715
00:34:28,692 --> 00:34:31,569
我真的對天發誓
我連海地在哪裡都不知道

716
00:34:31,570 --> 00:34:32,945
我不知道現在是什麼狀況

717
00:34:32,946 --> 00:34:35,198
還是歸夏威夷管嗎?我不知道

718
00:34:35,199 --> 00:34:37,700
但是說真的,那個地震有很嚴重嗎?

719
00:34:37,701 --> 00:34:40,620
只是晃一下而已嗎?十萬不至於吧

720
00:34:40,621 --> 00:34:42,997
我經歷過,真的很可怕
但不至於要十萬

721
00:34:42,998 --> 00:34:46,375
真的,我們來想想看

722
00:34:46,376 --> 00:34:48,711
十萬耶...

723
00:34:48,712 --> 00:34:52,381
手機給我,我要問一下
《亞當等大人3》會不會開拍

724
00:34:52,382 --> 00:34:53,926
等我一下

725
00:34:54,384 --> 00:34:55,719
我需要錢”

726
00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:00,724
天啊

727
00:35:05,729 --> 00:35:08,147
我窘迫到不行,也醉到不行

728
00:35:08,148 --> 00:35:10,608
嚇到快拉出來了

729
00:35:10,609 --> 00:35:13,903
大家都在看,我說好,我就出十萬

730
00:35:13,904 --> 00:35:17,114
反正是一樁美事嘛,所以就做吧

731
00:35:17,115 --> 00:35:21,077
結果他還在說
“有人還要出價嗎?12萬5千?”

732
00:35:21,078 --> 00:35:22,328
我回到我那桌

733
00:35:22,329 --> 00:35:25,873
“勸你們別跟西恩潘對到眼
他是個壞傢伙

734
00:35:25,874 --> 00:35:29,585
就讓他...讓傑夫貝佐斯拿下這回合

735
00:35:29,586 --> 00:35:32,505
然後就走人,讓他去當英雄

736
00:35:32,506 --> 00:35:34,924
我也會滾蛋,所以你們別看他

737
00:35:34,925 --> 00:35:38,594
大家都安靜看地上
然後事情就會過去了”

738
00:35:38,595 --> 00:35:41,514
結果他開了大絕招,他說

739
00:35:41,515 --> 00:35:43,015
“史派德,12萬5千”

740
00:35:43,016 --> 00:35:44,017
我...

741
00:35:48,146 --> 00:35:49,356
“你在幹嘛?”

742
00:35:49,648 --> 00:35:51,650
不是,我搞不懂

743
00:35:52,401 --> 00:35:54,903
他幹嘛那樣說?我只說我出十萬

744
00:35:55,195 --> 00:35:56,696
我說了十萬,還記得吧?

745
00:35:56,697 --> 00:35:59,198
我應該得標了,不知道規則啦
這樣有得標嗎?

746
00:35:59,199 --> 00:36:01,367
我喊出最高價就得標還是...

747
00:36:01,368 --> 00:36:02,494
然後他說...

748
00:36:03,871 --> 00:36:05,079
“史派德...”

749
00:36:05,080 --> 00:36:06,915
我說:“不行...”

750
00:36:07,332 --> 00:36:08,916
現場像炸彈引爆一樣

751
00:36:08,917 --> 00:36:10,751
李奧納多慢動作在鼓掌

752
00:36:10,752 --> 00:36:12,337
“史派德...”

753
00:36:13,964 --> 00:36:17,049
全場一起歡呼:“史派德...”

754
00:36:17,050 --> 00:36:21,722
我說:“12萬5千
海地是我救回來的,就是我”

755
00:36:22,973 --> 00:36:24,391
謝謝

756
00:36:25,100 --> 00:36:26,560
小派派是海地的大恩人

757
00:36:31,231 --> 00:36:34,192
我神智不清地走出去

758
00:36:35,777 --> 00:36:38,655
根本聽不到旁人在說什麼

759
00:36:42,576 --> 00:36:45,494
最扯的是我拖了一個禮拜
才把這件事告訴會計師

760
00:36:45,495 --> 00:36:49,917
我說:“好消息
有一大筆錢可以沖銷了”

761
00:36:53,128 --> 00:36:54,962
語氣就像克拉瑪

762
00:36:54,963 --> 00:36:56,131
他說

763
00:36:56,757 --> 00:36:58,215
“怎麼了,什麼意思?”

764
00:36:58,216 --> 00:37:01,177
我說:“我在拍賣會買了東西

765
00:37:01,178 --> 00:37:04,388
就是門票,而我多付了一點錢...

766
00:37:04,389 --> 00:37:06,725
我報帳沖銷,可算是免費”

767
00:37:08,852 --> 00:37:11,020
他說:“其實規定是

768
00:37:11,021 --> 00:37:14,732
只能沖銷票面金額,也就是三百元

769
00:37:14,733 --> 00:37:16,902
所以你多付了多少錢?”

770
00:37:21,156 --> 00:37:22,491
“反正就是更多

771
00:37:24,117 --> 00:37:25,327
之後你就知道了”

772
00:37:28,497 --> 00:37:29,331
總之

773
00:37:33,335 --> 00:37:35,586
聖誕節快到了

774
00:37:35,587 --> 00:37:36,629
也可能已經過了

775
00:37:36,630 --> 00:37:38,423
要看這場秀的播出時間

776
00:37:43,345 --> 00:37:48,809
可惜我已經不會收到聖誕卡了
現在倒是有很多懶人電郵

777
00:37:49,226 --> 00:37:52,104
懂我意思嗎?就是電子聖誕卡

778
00:37:52,646 --> 00:37:53,814
我只收到一張

779
00:37:54,982 --> 00:37:58,192
上面寫“北好萊塢豐田汽車

780
00:37:58,193 --> 00:38:00,070
敬祝您佳節愉快

781
00:38:02,698 --> 00:38:05,409
您六年前來換過機油

782
00:38:06,243 --> 00:38:07,576
我們還留著你的電郵信箱”

783
00:38:07,577 --> 00:38:09,620
家人每年都不知道
該送我什麼聖誕禮物

784
00:38:09,621 --> 00:38:12,206
因為我在家就像被寵壞的梅根王妃

785
00:38:12,207 --> 00:38:15,085
他們都狠狠瞪著我,還會抱怨

786
00:38:16,253 --> 00:38:17,962
就因為我會賺錢

787
00:38:17,963 --> 00:38:19,714
他們就說:“我什麼都不用送你”

788
00:38:19,715 --> 00:38:21,091
我什麼都不需要,我很好

789
00:38:21,383 --> 00:38:23,677
我買了要穿來丹佛的法蘭絨襯衫

790
00:38:25,303 --> 00:38:28,056
“嘿,丹佛鄉親”

791
00:38:31,518 --> 00:38:33,394
我這樣很入境隨俗吧

792
00:38:33,395 --> 00:38:36,022
我哥哥是個漢子

793
00:38:36,023 --> 00:38:38,399
在建築業工作,他都會送我禮物

794
00:38:38,400 --> 00:38:40,901
我知道我該感恩
但他都送些普通的東西

795
00:38:40,902 --> 00:38:43,112
他會過來這樣說

796
00:38:43,113 --> 00:38:44,822
“嘿,我買了這個給你”

797
00:38:44,823 --> 00:38:46,073
我打開一看

798
00:38:46,074 --> 00:38:50,120
是一支巴克刀,11吋長的布伊刀

799
00:38:50,871 --> 00:38:53,122
還是二手貨,不是...

800
00:38:53,123 --> 00:38:54,290
包裝完整的新品

801
00:38:54,291 --> 00:38:56,043
男生送禮都包得很隨便

802
00:38:56,710 --> 00:38:59,587
他就...上面還有乾掉的血漬

803
00:38:59,588 --> 00:39:02,591
我就說:“天啊,謝謝你”

804
00:39:03,091 --> 00:39:04,801
先是這樣,然後我又說

805
00:39:05,177 --> 00:39:06,886
“你送我一把刀?”

806
00:39:06,887 --> 00:39:09,972
他說:“我知道你喜歡刀子”

807
00:39:09,973 --> 00:39:11,975
我說:“我有嗎?”

808
00:39:13,143 --> 00:39:15,895
他說:“吃晚餐時,你總是在要刀子”

809
00:39:15,896 --> 00:39:17,022
我...

810
00:39:19,941 --> 00:39:21,984
好吧,這理由我接受

811
00:39:21,985 --> 00:39:24,111
真是太好了

812
00:39:24,112 --> 00:39:25,696
我又問:“這是乾掉的血嗎?”

813
00:39:25,697 --> 00:39:28,742
他說:“這說來很有意思”
我說:“好吧,你繼續說”

814
00:39:30,202 --> 00:39:34,663
他說:“我住的地方有流氓鬥毆

815
00:39:34,664 --> 00:39:37,166
警察都來了,狀況很嚴重

816
00:39:37,167 --> 00:39:39,460
我就去拍影片上傳抖音

817
00:39:39,461 --> 00:39:42,421
他們都在找東西

818
00:39:42,422 --> 00:39:45,132
我低頭一瞧,腳邊有一把刀

819
00:39:45,133 --> 00:39:46,383
我就踩在上面

820
00:39:46,384 --> 00:39:49,095
用腳把它掃到路邊
知道我怎麼想的嗎?”

821
00:39:49,096 --> 00:39:50,013
我說

822
00:39:50,555 --> 00:39:51,640
“當聖誕禮物?”

823
00:39:55,685 --> 00:39:57,646
他說對

824
00:39:58,438 --> 00:40:00,523
“反正我拿到的時候就沒有包裝”

825
00:40:00,524 --> 00:40:02,067
我問:“你說屍體嗎?沒差

826
00:40:03,318 --> 00:40:04,735
我用不到

827
00:40:04,736 --> 00:40:07,405
還是裝著證物的夾鍊袋?不需要”

828
00:40:09,741 --> 00:40:10,867
事後

829
00:40:11,660 --> 00:40:14,245
我在機場跟海關工作人員談笑

830
00:40:14,246 --> 00:40:16,456
來了兩個警察把我拖走

831
00:40:16,998 --> 00:40:18,916
問我:“這是你的行李?”
我問怎麼了

832
00:40:18,917 --> 00:40:19,960
他們就這樣一掃

833
00:40:21,294 --> 00:40:22,253
然後說...

834
00:40:22,254 --> 00:40:24,297
嚇死我了,他們說:“這是你的嗎?”

835
00:40:25,006 --> 00:40:27,216
我說:“是也不是,其實...

836
00:40:27,217 --> 00:40:28,760
講起來很好笑

837
00:40:30,137 --> 00:40:32,847
也沒那麼好笑,我不知道要說什麼”

838
00:40:32,848 --> 00:40:34,598
他們說:“這不能帶上飛機”

839
00:40:34,599 --> 00:40:36,768
我說:“對耶,真的,那就...

840
00:40:37,310 --> 00:40:38,727
把它丟了吧”

841
00:40:38,728 --> 00:40:40,980
他們把頭轉開

842
00:40:40,981 --> 00:40:43,065
我說:“也謝謝你們

843
00:40:43,066 --> 00:40:45,443
在上面留下指紋

844
00:40:46,778 --> 00:40:48,738
這個案子現在要被扔掉了”

845
00:40:50,740 --> 00:40:53,076
在飛機上看色情片越來越難了

846
00:40:54,327 --> 00:40:55,662
不是不可能

847
00:40:56,079 --> 00:40:58,038
我都用筆電看色情片

848
00:40:58,039 --> 00:41:00,292
我要全套的杜比音效

849
00:41:00,667 --> 00:41:02,460
我在看的時候

850
00:41:03,962 --> 00:41:04,962
並不會...

851
00:41:04,963 --> 00:41:08,048
首先,我在靠走道的位置上看
後面有人想偷瞄

852
00:41:08,049 --> 00:41:09,384
我不喜歡這樣

853
00:41:15,557 --> 00:41:18,143
“螢幕調亮一點”“你走開”

854
00:41:20,020 --> 00:41:22,438
可是色情片劇情跳太快了

855
00:41:22,439 --> 00:41:24,773
後來我就不看了,有一段時間沒看

856
00:41:24,774 --> 00:41:25,858
然後我又回來了

857
00:41:25,859 --> 00:41:26,818
只是...

858
00:41:28,653 --> 00:41:32,531
其實基本上

859
00:41:32,532 --> 00:41:34,450
跟以前看錄影帶差不多

860
00:41:34,451 --> 00:41:36,368
看裡面的人沒穿衣服我就很快樂

861
00:41:36,369 --> 00:41:39,039
現在細分成500個類別,我真不懂

862
00:41:39,915 --> 00:41:42,374
我研究了這些類別

863
00:41:42,375 --> 00:41:44,753
第一個,母女色情

864
00:41:45,587 --> 00:41:49,049
大家都能接受這種?與會人員表示...

865
00:41:52,052 --> 00:41:53,136
“喜歡”

866
00:41:55,597 --> 00:41:58,683
我要說明一下,不是真正的母女

867
00:41:59,142 --> 00:42:00,184
你懂的

868
00:42:00,185 --> 00:42:01,895
在理想世界會是真母女...

869
00:42:03,355 --> 00:42:04,438
可惜這裡不是

870
00:42:04,439 --> 00:42:09,401
他們的作法就是...

871
00:42:09,402 --> 00:42:12,780
選個19歲的花樣少女

872
00:42:12,781 --> 00:42:15,659
搭一個頭髮灰白的老男人

873
00:42:17,244 --> 00:42:20,579
老男人不喜歡另一個女的

874
00:42:20,580 --> 00:42:22,499
這也難怪

875
00:42:22,874 --> 00:42:26,086
過了兩分鐘她就說
“年輕人走開,我來

876
00:42:27,379 --> 00:42:29,172
看我怎麼做的”

877
00:42:31,466 --> 00:42:33,676
“76歲這樣不錯吧?”

878
00:42:33,677 --> 00:42:34,843
大家都嚇到

879
00:42:34,844 --> 00:42:36,263
“76歲?什麼...”

880
00:42:37,847 --> 00:42:40,140
拍片的人說:“可不可以...

881
00:42:40,141 --> 00:42:42,184
可以找工會的人來嗎?

882
00:42:42,185 --> 00:42:44,520
怎麼會有人76歲...

883
00:42:44,521 --> 00:42:46,773
熟女風是這樣嗎?怎麼回事?”

884
00:42:49,401 --> 00:42:50,860
也有那種...

885
00:42:51,653 --> 00:42:53,237
繼兄弟姊妹的設定

886
00:42:53,238 --> 00:42:56,199
那個是可以

887
00:42:56,741 --> 00:42:57,909
我會看

888
00:42:58,702 --> 00:42:59,995
但...

889
00:43:00,662 --> 00:43:03,123
前面十分鐘什麼動作戲都沒有

890
00:43:03,748 --> 00:43:06,041
十分鐘都在講話

891
00:43:06,042 --> 00:43:08,419
你們那麼多話幹嘛?

892
00:43:08,420 --> 00:43:10,129
為什麼要即興?

893
00:43:10,130 --> 00:43:11,673
為什麼...就...

894
00:43:13,174 --> 00:43:14,800
女生一直說

895
00:43:14,801 --> 00:43:17,386
“人家沒穿衣服,好想要
可是你是我的繼兄”

896
00:43:17,387 --> 00:43:19,888
男生說:“就是啊,繼妹

897
00:43:19,889 --> 00:43:21,890
你讓我超想要的,來做愛吧”

898
00:43:21,891 --> 00:43:23,267
可是我是你的繼兄”

899
00:43:23,268 --> 00:43:25,436
我知道!快上!

900
00:43:25,437 --> 00:43:28,064
我就是來看你們打炮的

901
00:43:28,606 --> 00:43:30,608
我點進來了,現在全神貫注

902
00:43:32,485 --> 00:43:35,280
快上啊,怎麼回事?

903
00:43:37,115 --> 00:43:38,324
她還在講不停

904
00:43:38,325 --> 00:43:40,577
“我叔叔就是你爸耶”

905
00:43:41,494 --> 00:43:44,039
是這樣嗎?什麼?

906
00:43:44,748 --> 00:43:47,167
還要我算數學?快辦事啊

907
00:43:48,209 --> 00:43:50,462
給我盡到妹妹的本分,我不管

908
00:43:53,006 --> 00:43:55,300
你覺得我會闔上筆電嗎?才怪

909
00:43:56,092 --> 00:43:57,177
我要看完

910
00:43:59,596 --> 00:44:02,265
還有潮吹,這我不知道啦

911
00:44:03,433 --> 00:44:05,185
潮吹,純潔一點

912
00:44:06,644 --> 00:44:09,021
我本來不知道那是啥,我很純潔

913
00:44:09,022 --> 00:44:12,859
我小時候沒有潮吹這種東西

914
00:44:15,487 --> 00:44:18,573
現在到處都是,怎麼會?

915
00:44:19,366 --> 00:44:20,992
後來學會的嗎?

916
00:44:22,619 --> 00:44:25,038
是有Youtube教學嗎...

917
00:44:25,747 --> 00:44:27,164
我朋友...我本來不知道

918
00:44:27,165 --> 00:44:28,957
他叫我看影片,我說:“這什麼?”

919
00:44:28,958 --> 00:44:30,460
他說:“看就知道了”

920
00:44:33,338 --> 00:44:37,008
我問:“那男的怎麼頭髮都溼了?”
他說看下去就知道了

921
00:44:39,260 --> 00:44:42,013
我說:“等一下,到底...”

922
00:44:42,722 --> 00:44:43,764
我不要具體形容

923
00:44:43,765 --> 00:44:46,225
那人的頭在她的私處,對吧?

924
00:44:46,226 --> 00:44:47,810
她在狂噴

925
00:44:47,811 --> 00:44:51,146
太誇張了,他就在那首當其衝...

926
00:44:51,147 --> 00:44:53,608
像瘋狗亂咬撒水器那樣

927
00:44:58,029 --> 00:45:00,114
真是要命啊

928
00:45:00,115 --> 00:45:01,324
就在畫面上撇來撇去

929
00:45:04,953 --> 00:45:07,664
我說:“這算好還是不好?
我完全看不懂”

930
00:45:08,748 --> 00:45:11,084
我不...這對我來說很陌生
而且我不喜歡

931
00:45:11,709 --> 00:45:15,379
要是我遇到的女生潮吹了
我根本不知道如何是好

932
00:45:15,380 --> 00:45:17,465
我會是最掃興的那個,然後說

933
00:45:17,882 --> 00:45:21,051
“怎麼回事?”
本來準備要上陣了,結果...

934
00:45:21,052 --> 00:45:22,470
“天啊,那是...

935
00:45:23,304 --> 00:45:26,224
窗戶沒關嗎?有看到嗎?

936
00:45:30,895 --> 00:45:33,773
有人踩到你肚子嗎?
從你那邊噴過來的

937
00:45:35,650 --> 00:45:37,652
等等,你故意的?

938
00:45:38,653 --> 00:45:40,655
不要,不要對準我!

939
00:45:41,573 --> 00:45:43,950
聽我說,不要...噴到我了啦!

940
00:45:44,951 --> 00:45:47,412
拜託,這是喀什米爾耶

941
00:45:51,624 --> 00:45:53,084
洗不掉了”

942
00:45:54,419 --> 00:45:57,172
然後我得很丟臉地去乾洗店

943
00:45:57,797 --> 00:45:59,174
“這洗得掉嗎?”

944
00:46:00,091 --> 00:46:01,092
“這是什麼?”

945
00:46:02,594 --> 00:46:03,678
“沒有人知道”

946
00:46:08,349 --> 00:46:11,561
對,弄清楚了就可以上抖音了

947
00:46:13,188 --> 00:46:14,939
公諸於世

948
00:46:16,441 --> 00:46:17,609
讚啦

949
00:46:24,032 --> 00:46:25,158
天啊

950
00:46:25,992 --> 00:46:27,952
對了,我小時候...

951
00:46:29,037 --> 00:46:32,289
我不想說我“可愛”
因為這個詞的力道不夠

952
00:46:32,290 --> 00:46:33,791
應該說人見人愛才對

953
00:46:34,959 --> 00:46:36,294
我差一點就被綁架了

954
00:46:36,920 --> 00:46:39,339
這...我可以講得搞笑一點

955
00:46:41,090 --> 00:46:44,427
這樣講好怪,我差點在賣場被綁架

956
00:46:45,428 --> 00:46:50,641
首先,那年我八歲,一頭金髮

957
00:46:50,642 --> 00:46:54,353
長得就像《小鬼當家1》的
麥考利克金

958
00:46:54,354 --> 00:46:56,104
人緣超級好

959
00:46:56,105 --> 00:46:58,107
皮膚曬得有點黑...

960
00:46:58,733 --> 00:46:59,650
穿著短褲

961
00:46:59,651 --> 00:47:02,861
簡直就是陷阱,誰會不要?

962
00:47:02,862 --> 00:47:04,947
如果你是戀童癖,我就是天菜吧?

963
00:47:04,948 --> 00:47:09,743
總之我...我媽帶我去賣場

964
00:47:09,744 --> 00:47:13,247
當年沒有直昇機媽媽,各位應該記得

965
00:47:13,248 --> 00:47:14,623
她跟我說...

966
00:47:14,624 --> 00:47:16,793
“八小時後見”

967
00:47:18,211 --> 00:47:20,420
沒有人覺得奇怪,沒有一個媽媽說...

968
00:47:20,421 --> 00:47:23,006
她們會說:“我家小孩也一樣”

969
00:47:23,007 --> 00:47:26,094
“給你25美分,以防萬一”

970
00:47:27,428 --> 00:47:29,304
所以大概過了五個小時

971
00:47:29,305 --> 00:47:32,266
她又回來賣場,進了賣卡片的店

972
00:47:32,267 --> 00:47:34,977
我到處亂晃,隨便進了一家卡片店

973
00:47:34,978 --> 00:47:38,730
有個大概50歲的老男人
現在50歲不算老了

974
00:47:38,731 --> 00:47:42,026
但在那時候,那個情境...我才八歲

975
00:47:43,486 --> 00:47:45,488
以現在來說相當於25歲

976
00:47:46,072 --> 00:47:48,198
那個怪怪的50歲老男人說

977
00:47:48,199 --> 00:47:51,994
“小朋友,要不要上我的車
一起吃雪花冰沙啊?”

978
00:47:51,995 --> 00:47:52,996
我...

979
00:47:55,081 --> 00:47:56,748
我答應了,我當然會說好

980
00:47:56,749 --> 00:47:59,251
當然好啊,簡直像中樂透一樣

981
00:47:59,252 --> 00:48:04,006
一點奇怪的感覺都沒有
沒有直覺也沒有警覺,都沒有

982
00:48:04,007 --> 00:48:06,676
我整個就是做好準備了

983
00:48:07,468 --> 00:48:09,137
但我又說

984
00:48:10,054 --> 00:48:11,347
“可以吃冰淇淋嗎?”

985
00:48:11,723 --> 00:48:13,432
他沒說話,我又說

986
00:48:13,433 --> 00:48:16,184
“冰淇淋或冰淇淋三明治都可以”

987
00:48:16,185 --> 00:48:19,439
我心想:“這交易要吹了嗎?
我在幹嘛?”

988
00:48:21,232 --> 00:48:22,400
然後他...

989
00:48:22,859 --> 00:48:25,986
不知道該說聰明還是笨,他停了一下

990
00:48:25,987 --> 00:48:28,281
我說:“可以吃冰淇淋嗎?”他說...

991
00:48:30,283 --> 00:48:31,242
“可以啊,好”

992
00:48:31,576 --> 00:48:33,952
你直接答應不就好了

993
00:48:33,953 --> 00:48:35,996
根本不是...根本不是要吃冰淇淋

994
00:48:35,997 --> 00:48:39,333
我再過一小時就會被拴起來了好嗎?

995
00:48:39,334 --> 00:48:40,417
你拖什麼時間?

996
00:48:40,418 --> 00:48:44,713
搞砸了嘛,就在那一刻
我媽看到我,喊了一聲:“嘿!”

997
00:48:44,714 --> 00:48:45,797
我說:“我媽來了

998
00:48:45,798 --> 00:48:47,758
我去拿外套,很快回來”

999
00:48:47,759 --> 00:48:49,885
我就跑出去,他在後面喊:“不...”

1000
00:48:49,886 --> 00:48:52,304
我跟我媽說
“我要跟這個人去吃冰淇淋

1001
00:48:52,305 --> 00:48:54,598
吃完就回來”,她說:“你想得美”

1002
00:48:54,599 --> 00:48:56,893
我說:“那個,我媽說不行”

1003
00:48:57,727 --> 00:48:59,978
他說:“搞什麼?我們講好的耶”

1004
00:48:59,979 --> 00:49:01,605
我說:“沒辦法囉”

1005
00:49:01,606 --> 00:49:03,941
我聳聳肩膀,他超扼腕的

1006
00:49:05,943 --> 00:49:07,570
是他自己搞砸的

1007
00:49:08,029 --> 00:49:09,613
他扼腕到不行

1008
00:49:09,614 --> 00:49:11,490
我拍過一部電影

1009
00:49:11,491 --> 00:49:14,576
要用到爆竹

1010
00:49:14,577 --> 00:49:16,995
知道那種東西嗎?這是行話

1011
00:49:16,996 --> 00:49:19,874
我在這部嚴肅的片裡要中槍

1012
00:49:20,750 --> 00:49:22,794
我人在拖車裡吃墨西哥捲餅

1013
00:49:23,419 --> 00:49:25,712
這沒關係,至少不用脫衣服

1014
00:49:25,713 --> 00:49:27,297
但我以為那場戲是隔天拍

1015
00:49:27,298 --> 00:49:31,176
有個年紀大的特效組工作人員

1016
00:49:31,177 --> 00:49:33,553
長長的灰髮綁成馬尾

1017
00:49:33,554 --> 00:49:36,974
他來跟我說今天要拍爆竹的戲

1018
00:49:37,642 --> 00:49:40,102
問我可不可以
我說:“現在就要嗎?

1019
00:49:40,103 --> 00:49:41,978
就是等等吃完午餐之後?”

1020
00:49:41,979 --> 00:49:44,314
他說:“大家準備好了”

1021
00:49:44,315 --> 00:49:48,777
他就拿了...好幾顆球狀物
裡頭裝了假的血漿

1022
00:49:48,778 --> 00:49:51,238
像裝心電圖一樣貼著

1023
00:49:51,239 --> 00:49:53,949
還有一條導管,然後他...

1024
00:49:53,950 --> 00:49:55,909
把血打出來,有點像...

1025
00:49:55,910 --> 00:49:57,369
會刺痛一下

1026
00:49:57,370 --> 00:49:58,537
我就說好

1027
00:49:58,538 --> 00:50:01,874
我必須脫到剩下內褲

1028
00:50:02,333 --> 00:50:06,253
他說:“我要把這些黏到你身上了

1029
00:50:06,254 --> 00:50:07,629
你的胸肌呢?”

1030
00:50:07,630 --> 00:50:08,715
我...

1031
00:50:12,802 --> 00:50:14,595
“你大略估一下就好”

1032
00:50:15,138 --> 00:50:16,346
“好吧

1033
00:50:16,347 --> 00:50:19,100
過期的果醬捲這邊也放一個

1034
00:50:20,309 --> 00:50:22,227
過期的馬芬再放一個”

1035
00:50:22,228 --> 00:50:23,353
“好

1036
00:50:23,354 --> 00:50:25,480
應該差不多了,都放好了”

1037
00:50:25,481 --> 00:50:28,275
然後他...這樣一來

1038
00:50:28,276 --> 00:50:30,737
我要很小心地把衣服穿回去

1039
00:50:31,112 --> 00:50:35,157
導管被褲管蓋著
所以會從褲腳穿出來

1040
00:50:35,158 --> 00:50:38,201
塞進去,所有的管線都接好了

1041
00:50:38,202 --> 00:50:41,080
他說:“慢慢走到片場”

1042
00:50:41,539 --> 00:50:43,374
距離大概一百呎

1043
00:50:43,958 --> 00:50:47,669
我慢慢走,導管從我的褲子伸出來
連接到一個小活塞

1044
00:50:47,670 --> 00:50:49,504
所以他必須跟在我身後三呎

1045
00:50:49,505 --> 00:50:51,506
他叫我慢慢走,我說好

1046
00:50:51,507 --> 00:50:53,550
我拿起劇本就忘了他在那

1047
00:50:53,551 --> 00:50:54,719
三秒以後我...

1048
00:50:56,846 --> 00:50:58,598
一連放了三個屁

1049
00:51:02,435 --> 00:51:04,061
我聽到身後傳來...

1050
00:51:05,146 --> 00:51:06,730
“你也拜託一下”

1051
00:51:06,731 --> 00:51:09,649
“天啊,我忘記你在這了

1052
00:51:09,650 --> 00:51:11,735
我突然忘記你在這了”

1053
00:51:11,736 --> 00:51:13,946
我窘到不行

1054
00:51:14,655 --> 00:51:15,573
然後...

1055
00:51:16,532 --> 00:51:20,035
因為我一直笑
又接連放了好幾個屁出來

1056
00:51:20,036 --> 00:51:22,829
我心想:“天啊,我必須殺了這傢伙

1057
00:51:22,830 --> 00:51:25,791
這麼糗的事不能被他傳出去”

1058
00:51:25,792 --> 00:51:29,628
最糟的是他想拿磚塊打我

1059
00:51:29,629 --> 00:51:31,046
但因為他是工作人員

1060
00:51:31,047 --> 00:51:33,632
又是專業人士,而我是演員

1061
00:51:33,633 --> 00:51:37,178
所以他能講的頂多就是
“你也拜託一下”

1062
00:51:37,637 --> 00:51:38,971
連罵都不行

1063
00:51:40,306 --> 00:51:44,227
我...我嚇死了,我就這樣

1064
00:51:45,061 --> 00:51:47,562
看得出來他很想殺了我

1065
00:51:47,563 --> 00:51:50,232
我們到了片場,然後...

1066
00:51:50,233 --> 00:51:52,901
後來我得知他有部電影要拍

1067
00:51:52,902 --> 00:51:54,653
孫兒們會纏著他

1068
00:51:54,654 --> 00:51:55,570
問他一些事

1069
00:51:55,571 --> 00:51:58,198
“聽說你跟李奧納多工作過”
而他會說的是

1070
00:51:58,199 --> 00:51:59,908
“大衛史派德差點拉在我身上”

1071
00:51:59,909 --> 00:52:01,869
他們會聽到的就是這種故事

1072
00:52:05,039 --> 00:52:06,290
我住在很好的飯店

1073
00:52:07,625 --> 00:52:10,503
不是這裡這間,這間很爛,前兩天...

1074
00:52:13,506 --> 00:52:14,799
不是啦

1075
00:52:16,092 --> 00:52:17,844
我還去按摩了

1076
00:52:19,262 --> 00:52:20,847
其實我不...

1077
00:52:21,389 --> 00:52:24,933
我不喜歡男生幫我按摩
男生按摩沒什麼不好

1078
00:52:24,934 --> 00:52:28,478
只是我不想指定女按摩師
我要的就是女按摩師

1079
00:52:28,479 --> 00:52:29,604
不是因為我變態

1080
00:52:29,605 --> 00:52:32,441
只是這樣比較好
我想當比較強的那個

1081
00:52:32,984 --> 00:52:35,736
平常幾乎都不是這樣,但...

1082
00:52:36,863 --> 00:52:38,865
男生就懂,如果你是男生

1083
00:52:39,699 --> 00:52:42,325
不會想讓另一個男生
在你身上按來按去吧?

1084
00:52:42,326 --> 00:52:43,702
有點尷尬

1085
00:52:43,703 --> 00:52:47,914
但我的問題就是我不會指定女按摩師

1086
00:52:47,915 --> 00:52:51,960
我打電話到飯店櫃台
櫃台人員非常專業

1087
00:52:51,961 --> 00:52:54,755
我說:“你好,我想要按摩”
對方說:“太好了

1088
00:52:56,299 --> 00:52:58,133
好,男按摩師還是女按摩師?”

1089
00:52:58,134 --> 00:52:59,552
我說:“我不在乎性別”

1090
00:53:01,971 --> 00:53:03,222
我根本在乎得要死

1091
00:53:04,765 --> 00:53:06,600
我只是想要他們幫我決定

1092
00:53:06,601 --> 00:53:08,476
做出讓我滿意的安排

1093
00:53:08,477 --> 00:53:09,728
她說

1094
00:53:09,729 --> 00:53:12,188
“那我們就隨便排,可能...

1095
00:53:12,189 --> 00:53:15,609
現在有女按摩師
也有男按摩師,你想怎樣都可以”

1096
00:53:15,610 --> 00:53:17,028
我說:“你幫我選吧”

1097
00:53:19,030 --> 00:53:20,656
“好的,那就幫您安排瑞克”

1098
00:53:25,411 --> 00:53:26,786
這樣一來我不想按摩了

1099
00:53:26,787 --> 00:53:30,666
我穿著精緻的飯店浴袍
像小綿羊站在那

1100
00:53:34,045 --> 00:53:35,504
那傢伙走了進來

1101
00:53:35,922 --> 00:53:39,049
“嘿,還好嗎?”,我說:“嘿,老兄”

1102
00:53:39,050 --> 00:53:43,304
他是個大塊頭,手超級大
手指不知怎地也好長

1103
00:53:45,681 --> 00:53:47,683
我說:“就...

1104
00:53:48,267 --> 00:53:50,810
一般的按摩就好,老兄”

1105
00:53:50,811 --> 00:53:54,564
我不會加入什麼暗號

1106
00:53:54,565 --> 00:53:56,358
什麼瑞典風,都別說

1107
00:53:56,359 --> 00:53:57,944
你又不知道那是什麼內容

1108
00:53:58,361 --> 00:53:59,862
就說:“一般的就好”

1109
00:54:00,321 --> 00:54:02,906
他說:“好的,沒問題”

1110
00:54:02,907 --> 00:54:05,075
我又說:“應該按個20分鐘就好了

1111
00:54:05,076 --> 00:54:07,370
不用做滿一整個小時,就...”

1112
00:54:09,163 --> 00:54:11,790
他說:“好,你趴著臉朝下”

1113
00:54:11,791 --> 00:54:14,001
我說:“給我等一下

1114
00:54:14,585 --> 00:54:17,295
放輕鬆,別這樣講,不要...

1115
00:54:17,296 --> 00:54:19,465
要我這樣?我不要

1116
00:54:20,633 --> 00:54:21,759
我不要那個姿勢

1117
00:54:22,510 --> 00:54:25,221
臉朝下,我自己知道那個意思
你不要說出來

1118
00:54:25,680 --> 00:54:29,183
我會自己去按摩床

1119
00:54:29,892 --> 00:54:31,060
強勢地走過去

1120
00:54:32,144 --> 00:54:35,439
我會自己呈臉朝下的趴姿”

1121
00:54:36,774 --> 00:54:39,777
他說:“好啊,我也是那個意思”

1122
00:54:41,529 --> 00:54:42,779
我在按摩床上趴好

1123
00:54:42,780 --> 00:54:44,907
臉放在那個圓圓的洞裡

1124
00:54:45,992 --> 00:54:48,743
趴好之後...但是可別睡著

1125
00:54:48,744 --> 00:54:51,329
眼睛要睜開

1126
00:54:51,330 --> 00:54:53,374
現在是什麼狀況?要時時留意

1127
00:54:54,041 --> 00:54:56,002
一點也不放鬆

1128
00:54:56,585 --> 00:54:58,462
他說

1129
00:54:59,463 --> 00:55:02,717
“先從小腿開始吧”
我說:“不要講話,直接做”

1130
00:55:06,804 --> 00:55:08,014
他就這樣按

1131
00:55:08,889 --> 00:55:11,266
我說:“繼續,按別的地方啊”

1132
00:55:11,267 --> 00:55:13,894
我小腿到底要按多久?

1133
00:55:14,562 --> 00:55:16,604
我連我小腿需不需要肌肉都不曉得

1134
00:55:16,605 --> 00:55:17,772
懂我意思嗎?

1135
00:55:17,773 --> 00:55:20,025
我也不是什麼
明天要跨欄的田徑運動員

1136
00:55:20,026 --> 00:55:21,110
就只是...

1137
00:55:22,862 --> 00:55:23,738
他就說

1138
00:55:24,155 --> 00:55:25,363
“接著來按腿筋喔”

1139
00:55:25,364 --> 00:55:28,325
不要在我耳邊低語,不要!

1140
00:55:30,703 --> 00:55:32,371
按就對了嘛,他就這樣...

1141
00:55:33,748 --> 00:55:34,707
他手超大

1142
00:55:35,666 --> 00:55:36,875
噪音

1143
00:55:36,876 --> 00:55:38,002
我趴在那邊擠眉弄眼

1144
00:55:40,296 --> 00:55:43,007
像布娃娃被推來推去

1145
00:55:43,966 --> 00:55:48,261
然後他撞到我的球袋三次

1146
00:55:48,262 --> 00:55:50,056
碰碰碰,我...

1147
00:55:50,639 --> 00:55:52,849
我的蛋蛋,他直接撞
知道那是什麼狀況嗎?

1148
00:55:52,850 --> 00:55:55,185
他按太高了

1149
00:55:55,186 --> 00:55:57,645
我說你按太高了,下去一點
他還是越按越高

1150
00:55:57,646 --> 00:55:59,647
越來越高,球袋...

1151
00:55:59,648 --> 00:56:00,857
我就...

1152
00:56:00,858 --> 00:56:01,942
然後...

1153
00:56:03,194 --> 00:56:05,236
對了,我的腿已經不是自己的了

1154
00:56:05,237 --> 00:56:08,740
你們覺得呢,真的已經不是我的腿了

1155
00:56:08,741 --> 00:56:10,700
你是專業的,給我差不多一點

1156
00:56:10,701 --> 00:56:13,536
我也不知道怎麼了
反正那腿已經不是我的

1157
00:56:13,537 --> 00:56:15,747
所以你還在按那邊幹嘛?

1158
00:56:15,748 --> 00:56:16,998
懂我意思嗎?

1159
00:56:16,999 --> 00:56:19,918
其實我自己退一步想,我躺著的時候

1160
00:56:19,919 --> 00:56:23,797
也不清楚自己的蛋蛋在哪
或是老二在哪

1161
00:56:23,798 --> 00:56:25,757
我知道它們和我在同個房間

1162
00:56:25,758 --> 00:56:28,760
只是不知道確切在哪
因為我滾來滾去的

1163
00:56:28,761 --> 00:56:30,929
可能在這裡

1164
00:56:30,930 --> 00:56:33,431
但是不對,我知道它們在這裡

1165
00:56:33,432 --> 00:56:37,894
因為他一直撞,用那雙大手撞來撞去

1166
00:56:37,895 --> 00:56:41,523
弄得上面都是指紋和瘀青

1167
00:56:41,524 --> 00:56:44,692
畢竟他捶打了35分鐘

1168
00:56:44,693 --> 00:56:46,152
我說:“你退後”

1169
00:56:46,153 --> 00:56:47,570
像對掃地機器人說:“退後

1170
00:56:47,571 --> 00:56:49,698
你撞到東西了,退後”

1171
00:56:50,533 --> 00:56:53,076
沒用,還是撞不停

1172
00:56:53,077 --> 00:56:55,162
到一百下的時候,我...

1173
00:56:56,664 --> 00:57:00,166
太多了,好刺痛,感覺很奇怪

1174
00:57:00,167 --> 00:57:01,836
非常奇怪,不對勁

1175
00:57:02,294 --> 00:57:04,130
我跳開,他說

1176
00:57:06,340 --> 00:57:07,882
“抱歉,你是同性戀嗎?”

1177
00:57:07,883 --> 00:57:08,843
我說...

1178
00:57:09,426 --> 00:57:10,386
“我是嗎?”

1179
00:57:15,641 --> 00:57:18,352
超級尷尬的僵局

1180
00:57:19,687 --> 00:57:23,106
我們都不知道誰才是同志

1181
00:57:23,107 --> 00:57:24,483
蜘蛛人嗎...

1182
00:57:28,154 --> 00:57:29,655
我就這樣站在那邊

1183
00:57:31,407 --> 00:57:33,074
超尷尬,超詭異

1184
00:57:33,075 --> 00:57:34,909
他說:“我可能要先走了”

1185
00:57:34,910 --> 00:57:36,579
我說:“好,沒問題”

1186
00:57:37,830 --> 00:57:39,081
他就走了

1187
00:57:39,790 --> 00:57:41,083
所以只剩下我

1188
00:57:42,710 --> 00:57:44,753
小派派我本人站在那裡

1189
00:57:45,379 --> 00:57:48,007
尷尬地站在黑暗中

1190
00:57:49,550 --> 00:57:51,177
身上都是油

1191
00:57:52,845 --> 00:57:54,054
沒穿衣服

1192
00:57:54,680 --> 00:57:55,764
老二翹在那邊

1193
00:57:57,766 --> 00:57:59,393
嘿,搞不好我才是同志喔

1194
00:58:00,144 --> 00:58:02,395
謝謝大家來看我的演出

1195
00:58:02,396 --> 00:58:03,938
{\an8}太開心了

1196
00:58:03,939 --> 00:58:06,066
{\an8}拜拜,下次見

1197
00:58:48,067 --> 00:58:50,068
字幕翻譯:藍玲

1198
00:58:50,069 --> 00:58:52,154
創意監督
張世幸