1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:12,221 --> 00:00:13,514 PT: All right. I hope you're ready. 4 00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:15,224 Put your hands together and make some noise 5 00:00:15,224 --> 00:00:19,394 for Dewayne White! 6 00:00:19,394 --> 00:00:20,479 [AUDIENCE CHEERING, CLAPPING] 7 00:00:26,735 --> 00:00:28,987 What's up, Hanover? How you guys doing? 8 00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:31,114 Hell, yeah! 9 00:00:31,698 --> 00:00:33,700 Oh! 10 00:00:33,700 --> 00:00:36,245 I've had a lot of fun today. You guys are fucking really into Bigfoot though. 11 00:00:36,245 --> 00:00:37,663 Can we just talk about the... 12 00:00:37,663 --> 00:00:39,957 That shit is everywhere. It is ridic... 13 00:00:39,957 --> 00:00:41,375 I don't know what your deal is, 14 00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:43,710 but you guys love that son of a bitch. Okay, cool. 15 00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:46,713 Hey, man. We're so excited to be doing a special here. 16 00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:49,216 A lot of people asked me like, "Why are you doing a special in Hanover, PA?" 17 00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:51,176 I was like, "Just I love the small towns." 18 00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:53,053 I came from a small town, yeah, out here, you know. 19 00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:55,681 And I love it 'cause now I live outside of D.C. in Virginia 20 00:00:55,681 --> 00:00:58,100 and I can tell jokes here I cannot tell in D.C. 21 00:00:58,100 --> 00:00:59,560 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 22 00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:03,605 Right? No, like I tell hunting jokes. 23 00:01:03,605 --> 00:01:05,691 We got hunters in the crowd tonight? Anybody hunt out here? 24 00:01:05,691 --> 00:01:07,401 - AUDIENCE: Whoo! - Yeah, a few of you. Good. 25 00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:09,736 Yeah, no, 'cause I can't tell hunting jokes in D.C. 26 00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:12,281 'cause you tell that, there's always a 22-year-old white girl walking up to me 27 00:01:12,281 --> 00:01:16,201 after the show like, "There's no reason to ever kill an innocent animal." 28 00:01:16,201 --> 00:01:17,411 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 29 00:01:18,996 --> 00:01:20,789 [SIGHS SOFTLY] 30 00:01:20,789 --> 00:01:23,292 I'm like, "Enjoy your wings, bitch. Uh, I don't know." 31 00:01:23,292 --> 00:01:25,210 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] - [DEWAYNE SIGHING SADLY] 32 00:01:26,962 --> 00:01:29,298 - It's bullshi... [CHUCKLES] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 33 00:01:29,298 --> 00:01:31,425 When I first moved to Virginia, it was weird to hunt there 34 00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:33,218 'cause we used to have weird hunting laws on the books. 35 00:01:33,218 --> 00:01:34,887 Like, it used to be illegal, swear to God, 36 00:01:34,887 --> 00:01:37,139 to hunt on Sundays in the state of Virginia. 37 00:01:37,139 --> 00:01:38,557 'Cause apparently our deer need Jesus. 38 00:01:38,557 --> 00:01:42,019 - [CHUCKLES] What? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 39 00:01:42,019 --> 00:01:45,147 And that's bullshit 'cause, you know, like how do you know the deer are Christian? 40 00:01:45,147 --> 00:01:46,648 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 41 00:01:46,648 --> 00:01:48,317 [SIGHS SOFTLY] I hunt on Fridays a lot. 42 00:01:48,317 --> 00:01:49,568 That's the Muslim holy day, right? 43 00:01:49,568 --> 00:01:50,986 So, I had to come up with a plan. 44 00:01:50,986 --> 00:01:52,571 I'm out there on a Friday, a deer walks by. I'm like, 45 00:01:52,571 --> 00:01:53,697 "Hey... 46 00:01:53,697 --> 00:01:55,032 - Salam alaykum." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 47 00:01:55,908 --> 00:01:57,284 [SIGHS SOFTLY] 48 00:01:57,284 --> 00:01:59,620 And that deer's like,"alaykum salam." [LAUGHS] 49 00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:01,163 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 50 00:02:01,163 --> 00:02:03,540 - Then I let him go. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 51 00:02:04,750 --> 00:02:07,419 [CHUCKLES SOFTLY] 52 00:02:07,419 --> 00:02:10,380 If that deer's like, "Why don't you go back to where you fucking came from." 53 00:02:10,380 --> 00:02:12,216 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 54 00:02:12,216 --> 00:02:15,135 - [MIMICKING GUNSHOT] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 55 00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:16,595 'Cause that's a Westboro Baptist deer. 56 00:02:16,595 --> 00:02:19,181 - And I'm done... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 57 00:02:19,181 --> 00:02:23,101 - I'm done with these homophobic deer's bullshit. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 58 00:02:23,101 --> 00:02:26,313 All right, you guys went with me on homophobic deer. That's good. I didn't know... 59 00:02:26,313 --> 00:02:28,273 I didn't know how that was gonna go, man. You guys... 60 00:02:28,273 --> 00:02:30,275 You guys are fun. We're gonna have a good time tonight. 61 00:02:30,275 --> 00:02:31,818 We're gonna have a good time. 62 00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:33,612 Let's see what we got tonight. We got parents in the crowd? 63 00:02:33,612 --> 00:02:35,948 - Who's got kids out here? Yeah. - [AUDIENCE CLAPPING] 64 00:02:35,948 --> 00:02:38,534 You guys, this is... That is a tired ass clap. 65 00:02:38,534 --> 00:02:41,328 You didn't even... You just clapped once. You're like, "Fuck." 66 00:02:41,328 --> 00:02:44,456 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - That was awesome, dude. 67 00:02:44,456 --> 00:02:46,959 Let's do this a different way. If you have kids that have already moved out, 68 00:02:46,959 --> 00:02:48,919 - make some noise. How about that? - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 69 00:02:48,919 --> 00:02:50,712 Yeah. Yeah, you hear that? 70 00:02:50,712 --> 00:02:54,299 - [CHUCKLES] That's a different energy, right? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 71 00:02:54,299 --> 00:02:56,176 That's people that fuck during the day. That's what that is. 72 00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:58,470 - That's just... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 73 00:02:58,470 --> 00:03:01,223 Those people fuck at lunch, they can take a nap afterwards. That's what that is right there. 74 00:03:01,223 --> 00:03:02,850 That's awesome. 75 00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:05,435 That's the best, dude. That's good. 76 00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:07,062 I have kids. I have freakin' kids. 77 00:03:07,062 --> 00:03:09,147 That's... [GROANS] I don't know. I have kids... 78 00:03:09,147 --> 00:03:10,607 I don't wanna bring the room down, 79 00:03:10,607 --> 00:03:12,651 but my kids, they suffer from this medical condition. 80 00:03:12,651 --> 00:03:13,986 Some of you may have heard of it. 81 00:03:13,986 --> 00:03:15,571 Uh, they're what's known as, uh, freakin' stupid. 82 00:03:16,321 --> 00:03:18,407 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 83 00:03:18,407 --> 00:03:21,243 You guys heard of it? Good. We're trying to raise awareness. We're trying... [LAUGHS] 84 00:03:21,243 --> 00:03:24,079 We're doing a 5K for 'em this weekend. It's gonna be awesome. 85 00:03:24,079 --> 00:03:25,539 It's gonna be rough. [LAUGHS] 86 00:03:26,915 --> 00:03:28,709 That's dumb. 87 00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:30,419 Uh, but, and I know it sounds mean to say it, like, 88 00:03:30,419 --> 00:03:31,962 my kids are stupid, but I'll give you an example. 89 00:03:31,962 --> 00:03:33,881 Uh, last week, my son and his best friend 90 00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:36,800 stood in our front yard and argued for 20 minutes... 91 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:38,594 about whether or not it was raining. 92 00:03:38,594 --> 00:03:40,804 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 93 00:03:40,804 --> 00:03:42,389 If you're like, "Oh, that's cute. Little guys." 94 00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:43,891 Uh, he is a senior... 95 00:03:43,891 --> 00:03:45,350 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 96 00:03:47,102 --> 00:03:48,687 In college. In college. [LAUGHS] 97 00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:50,814 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 98 00:03:50,814 --> 00:03:53,525 It does make sense, he goes to Mississippi State. So, he gets extra credit. Yeah. 99 00:03:53,525 --> 00:03:55,235 No, I want my money back. That's good. 100 00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:56,904 They get extra credit if they spell the state without the song. 101 00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:57,988 It's awesome. It's good. 102 00:03:57,988 --> 00:04:00,157 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - It's good. 103 00:04:00,157 --> 00:04:01,909 I have had a shitty week this week. I'm not gonna lie. 104 00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:03,160 This week, my kids found my drugs. 105 00:04:04,036 --> 00:04:05,829 Yeah, it's like... 106 00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:06,997 But, my daughter was pissed. 107 00:04:06,997 --> 00:04:08,457 She comes up, she's like, "What is this?" 108 00:04:08,457 --> 00:04:09,750 I'm like, "That is Lipitor." 109 00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:12,878 - [BREATH TREMBLING] And... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 110 00:04:12,878 --> 00:04:15,547 - She goes, "What's that?" - I'm like, "It keeps my heart from killing me." 111 00:04:15,547 --> 00:04:17,007 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 112 00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:19,134 She's like, "What's this?" And I go, "That is Prozac." 113 00:04:19,134 --> 00:04:20,594 - [LAUGHS] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 114 00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:22,095 "And that keeps me from killing you." 115 00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:23,639 - [INHALES SHARPLY] "So... Right?" - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 116 00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:27,142 [CHUCKLES] 117 00:04:27,142 --> 00:04:29,561 And then the neighbors and myself, it's a whole thing. It's good. 118 00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:32,314 Anybody on the Insider presence in here? 119 00:04:32,314 --> 00:04:34,024 We got white women in here tonight? Yeah, okay. 120 00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:36,485 Oh, stop, you know... 121 00:04:36,485 --> 00:04:38,153 White women be like, "Let's take a handful of Prozac 122 00:04:38,153 --> 00:04:39,488 and go to an escape room. It'll be great." 123 00:04:39,488 --> 00:04:41,365 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - I know how that goes. 124 00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:45,035 I got diagnosed with depression during the pandemic. 125 00:04:45,035 --> 00:04:46,703 So, [CHUCKLES] band wagon. Whatever. 126 00:04:46,703 --> 00:04:48,914 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - It's fine. It's fine, but... 127 00:04:48,914 --> 00:04:51,875 [LAUGHS] We went in to get the drugs and my doctor, she goes, 128 00:04:51,875 --> 00:04:53,210 "Let me tell you about the side effects." 129 00:04:53,210 --> 00:04:54,920 She goes, "It can cause headaches, sweaty palms, 130 00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:56,255 delayed ejaculation, insomnia..." 131 00:04:56,255 --> 00:04:57,756 I'm like, "Whoa, let's back up." 132 00:04:57,756 --> 00:04:59,258 - Uh... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 133 00:04:59,258 --> 00:05:01,718 Right. I'm like, "I'm sorry, what was that one you said?" 134 00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:04,096 She goes, "Sweaty palms?" I'm like, "Bitch, you know the one... 135 00:05:04,096 --> 00:05:05,222 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 136 00:05:06,431 --> 00:05:08,600 [CHUCKLES] ...I'm asking about, right?" 137 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,561 She goes, "Oh, you must mean DE." 138 00:05:10,561 --> 00:05:13,355 She said it like I knew what that is, DE. I've never heard of DE before. 139 00:05:13,355 --> 00:05:15,315 I'm like, "I've heard of ED. Are you telling me I can't--" 140 00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:17,526 She's like, "Oh, no, no. Erections are no problem. 141 00:05:17,526 --> 00:05:21,989 Uh, but it will take you over an hour of actual sex for you to have an orgasm." 142 00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:23,782 My wife's like, "We'll fucking take it. Right now." 143 00:05:23,782 --> 00:05:24,825 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 144 00:05:27,244 --> 00:05:30,163 Fuck you for clapping at that, ladies. It's bullshit. 145 00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:32,749 An hour? That's a long freaking time. An hou... 146 00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:36,003 - That's a 10K. That is a 10K. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 147 00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:37,713 Nobody's bringing me water or power bars? 148 00:05:37,713 --> 00:05:40,424 Kiss my ass. I'm not doing it. 149 00:05:40,424 --> 00:05:43,218 If I don't get a T-shirt, I'm not even showing up. I don't give a shit. 150 00:05:43,218 --> 00:05:46,305 Right? [LAUGHS] Fuck that, dude. 10K. 151 00:05:47,181 --> 00:05:48,515 Bullshit. I don't know, man. 152 00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:50,934 So, I do, I have kids now. I have older kids now. 153 00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:53,395 I have a 22-year-old son, I have an 18-year-old daughter, 154 00:05:53,395 --> 00:05:54,479 I have a 16-year-old vasectomy. 155 00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:56,899 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - And so... 156 00:05:56,899 --> 00:05:58,984 I read parenting books, man. 157 00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:01,028 They say if you have a favorite, you're not supposed to let 'em know which one it is. 158 00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:02,779 But they figure that shit out, they know. 159 00:06:02,779 --> 00:06:04,072 In my house, they know. 160 00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:05,324 It's that vasectomy. 161 00:06:05,324 --> 00:06:08,243 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - [LAUGHS] 100%. It's... 162 00:06:08,243 --> 00:06:11,121 That's the only one that gives me hope, you know? That's bullshit. 163 00:06:11,121 --> 00:06:14,374 [LAUGHS] Oh, man. It's crazy, it's crazy. 164 00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:15,542 They were all home recently, man. 165 00:06:15,542 --> 00:06:17,169 My wife is all happy. She's like, 166 00:06:17,169 --> 00:06:19,838 "Isn't it so great? Isn't it so nice to have the kids home?" 167 00:06:19,838 --> 00:06:21,924 I'm like, "No, it's not. 'Cause he's a 22-year-old man." 168 00:06:21,924 --> 00:06:25,135 Right? Weird shit happens when you have a 22-year-old man in your house. 169 00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:27,846 Like the other day, he's in the living room watching TV. 170 00:06:27,846 --> 00:06:29,598 I'm in the kitchen and I hear from the TV, 171 00:06:29,598 --> 00:06:31,683 "Oh, yeah. That's the spot." 172 00:06:31,683 --> 00:06:32,768 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 173 00:06:34,019 --> 00:06:35,604 "Take it. Take it." 174 00:06:35,604 --> 00:06:38,690 I'm like, "Fuck, is he... Is he watching porn? 175 00:06:38,690 --> 00:06:40,817 [BREATHING HEAVILY] "In the living room?" Like, what the... 176 00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:42,319 - [BREATHING HEAVILY] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 177 00:06:42,319 --> 00:06:44,154 "I bought him a phone. What is he doing?" 178 00:06:44,154 --> 00:06:45,489 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 179 00:06:45,489 --> 00:06:47,908 Right? 180 00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:50,244 And then I listen more closely. I realize it's all dudes voices. 181 00:06:51,453 --> 00:06:53,497 Yeah. It's like, "Dude, it's huge. 182 00:06:53,497 --> 00:06:54,623 I can't even fit my hand around." 183 00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:57,167 I'm like, "Nope. No! No! No!" 184 00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:02,381 Then I'm like, "Bullshit. You be a good dad, you be a supportive dad. 185 00:07:02,381 --> 00:07:04,216 You saw this shit coming. You knew it was gonna happen." 186 00:07:04,216 --> 00:07:06,301 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 187 00:07:06,301 --> 00:07:10,264 - Now, he did a lot of theater. A lot of it and... [CHUCKLES] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 188 00:07:10,264 --> 00:07:12,474 I gotta tell you, when I walked around the corner, what I saw, 189 00:07:12,474 --> 00:07:14,643 I was disgusted and disappointed as a father, 190 00:07:16,019 --> 00:07:17,437 'cause he's watching a fucking fishing show. 191 00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:19,398 - And now I'm pi... "No!" - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 192 00:07:19,398 --> 00:07:21,525 "No! Bullshit! Not in this house. 193 00:07:21,525 --> 00:07:23,360 You watch gay porn like a fucking man!" 194 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,237 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] - Right? 195 00:07:27,739 --> 00:07:29,700 "Major League Fishing, my ass. No!" 196 00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:31,702 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - That's bullshit. 197 00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:36,039 So, is this a porn crowd? Are we into porn in Pennsylvania? 198 00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:38,125 Do we do that out here? We have that? You got it? 199 00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:39,960 Yeah, this side, I know. For sure. Yeah. 200 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,420 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Yeah, for real. 201 00:07:41,420 --> 00:07:42,838 [LAUGHS] You have that many piercings, 202 00:07:42,838 --> 00:07:44,298 you guys are on Pornhub for sure. 203 00:07:44,298 --> 00:07:46,425 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - It's true. 204 00:07:46,425 --> 00:07:47,926 I don't know, man. I don't know. 205 00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:49,678 Out here, you guys still have porn. 206 00:07:49,678 --> 00:07:51,430 Like, I live in Virginia. We got that weird law 207 00:07:51,430 --> 00:07:53,599 where you're "not supposed" to watch porn any more. It's crazy. 208 00:07:53,599 --> 00:07:54,892 And you know, it doesn't even work. 209 00:07:56,101 --> 00:07:57,561 They don't really shut porn off. 210 00:07:57,561 --> 00:07:59,897 You just have to have a VPN. That's all you have to do. 211 00:07:59,897 --> 00:08:01,899 Right? If you don't know what a VPN is, 212 00:08:01,899 --> 00:08:04,151 it makes your computer look like it's from somewhere else, right? 213 00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:05,485 And it drops you in a different place, 214 00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:07,613 so it fools the bots or whatever, right? 215 00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:10,991 But sometimes, it drops you into a state that has the same fucking laws. 216 00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:12,492 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 217 00:08:15,370 --> 00:08:17,080 That's bullshit. You're all ready to go 218 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:19,124 and then you're like, "Welcome to Tennessee. Welcome to Texas." 219 00:08:19,124 --> 00:08:22,377 You're like, "Fuck! Can you drop me in a blue state for 15 fucking minutes?" 220 00:08:22,377 --> 00:08:23,795 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 221 00:08:26,882 --> 00:08:28,050 It's bullshit. 222 00:08:30,719 --> 00:08:33,722 [LAUGHS] I don't know, man. I don't know. You guys... 223 00:08:34,515 --> 00:08:35,599 I don't know. 224 00:08:35,599 --> 00:08:37,392 I talk to my kids about porn. I do. 225 00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:39,102 Like not in a weird way. I'm not like, 226 00:08:39,102 --> 00:08:42,022 - "Hey, what you watching, buddy?" [CHUCKLES] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 227 00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:43,357 "I've seen her. This is a good one. 228 00:08:43,357 --> 00:08:45,108 Wait till the end, it's awesome. It's good." 229 00:08:45,108 --> 00:08:46,985 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Not like that. That would be weird, right? 230 00:08:49,363 --> 00:08:51,323 I talk to my kids about porn like, I don't know, 231 00:08:51,323 --> 00:08:54,159 I think my grandfather probably talked to my dad 232 00:08:54,159 --> 00:08:56,703 about like electricity or cars. 233 00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:58,413 - Right, you know? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 234 00:08:58,413 --> 00:09:00,249 It's like, "Dude, you have so many opportunities. You can do shit. 235 00:09:00,249 --> 00:09:02,334 You can do things that we only dreamed of doing. 236 00:09:02,334 --> 00:09:04,253 Right? You can choose your own kink now. 237 00:09:04,253 --> 00:09:06,088 I couldn't do that. Right?" 238 00:09:06,088 --> 00:09:10,217 Whatever magazine I found in my dad's closet, that was my shit forever. 239 00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:12,636 Right? You just wander around one day. You find a magazine. 240 00:09:12,636 --> 00:09:14,972 You're like, "Well, I guess I'm into big bitches. All right, here we go." 241 00:09:14,972 --> 00:09:16,515 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Okay. Yeah. 242 00:09:17,266 --> 00:09:18,225 Right? 243 00:09:18,976 --> 00:09:21,103 [CHUCKLES] Yeah. 244 00:09:22,437 --> 00:09:24,064 Then the day came, you found a VHS tape. 245 00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:25,649 Holy shit. 246 00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:28,318 VHS porn. That would change your life. That was different. 247 00:09:28,318 --> 00:09:31,196 Right? And it was never labelled "porn", right? 248 00:09:31,196 --> 00:09:33,949 So, you just find a video tape. You're like, "Why does dad have a copy of Braveheart 249 00:09:33,949 --> 00:09:35,826 - in his nightstand?" - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 250 00:09:38,161 --> 00:09:40,330 What? 251 00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:43,166 You put it in, you're like, "Shit, that's not Mel Gibson. Oh, my God!" 252 00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:44,501 Right? [LAUGHS] 253 00:09:44,501 --> 00:09:47,087 - "Freedom!" [LAUGHS] Right? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 254 00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:48,046 It's bullshit. 255 00:09:49,047 --> 00:09:51,008 That's crazy, man. 256 00:09:51,008 --> 00:09:52,676 Young people, man. Y'all's porn is weird, though. 257 00:09:52,676 --> 00:09:54,511 I would say, y'all's porn is different. It is like... 258 00:09:54,511 --> 00:09:57,097 There's a lot of spitting and choking and shit now. 259 00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:59,183 I do not understand, you know? I don't get it. Hey! 260 00:09:59,183 --> 00:10:00,517 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - [CHUCKLES] 261 00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:02,895 But, I try to be a man of the times, so... 262 00:10:02,895 --> 00:10:04,479 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 263 00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:06,440 So, the other night, me and my wife were in bed. I'm like, 264 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:09,735 - "I'm gonna fucking choke her." [LAUGHS] Yeah, yeah. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 265 00:10:09,735 --> 00:10:12,112 Yeah, we weren't having sex or nothing. But I was like, "Let's see..." 266 00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:13,572 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 267 00:10:14,489 --> 00:10:15,574 MAN: Yeah. 268 00:10:15,574 --> 00:10:16,658 Yeah. 269 00:10:16,658 --> 00:10:17,618 MAN: Yeah. 270 00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:21,538 See how this shit works out. You know what I mean? 271 00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:25,125 Nah, we were having sex, but... 272 00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:26,627 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 273 00:10:26,627 --> 00:10:29,671 But here's the trouble. She does not watch porn, right? 274 00:10:29,671 --> 00:10:32,716 - So now, I have to explain. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 275 00:10:32,716 --> 00:10:36,094 - So, the officer... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 276 00:10:36,094 --> 00:10:39,723 Right? It's like, "No, sir. It is not assault. 277 00:10:39,723 --> 00:10:43,352 - I was being sexy." Like, hey! What's up? Bullshit. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 278 00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:44,937 I don't know, man. 279 00:10:45,854 --> 00:10:47,898 It's crazy, you guys. 280 00:10:47,898 --> 00:10:50,609 Uh, you guys may have figured this out. Uh, I'm not a good father. 281 00:10:50,609 --> 00:10:52,736 - Uh... [LAUGHS] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 282 00:10:52,736 --> 00:10:54,321 I tried to be a good dad, I did, man. 283 00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:55,989 Like, I read parenting books and shit. 284 00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:58,033 You guys read those? Anybody read the parenting books in here? 285 00:10:58,033 --> 00:11:00,744 No? Good. They're stupid. They don't work. It's dumb. No! 286 00:11:00,744 --> 00:11:03,247 Nobody knows what they're doing. We try to keep 'em alive till they turn 18 287 00:11:03,247 --> 00:11:04,915 and then get the fuck out. That's all we want. 288 00:11:04,915 --> 00:11:07,376 All right? It's fucked up, I don't know. 289 00:11:07,376 --> 00:11:11,255 [LAUGHS] It's dumb, man. It's crazy. I don't know. 290 00:11:11,255 --> 00:11:13,799 It is weird, man. Just with the parenting books. 291 00:11:13,799 --> 00:11:15,884 I tried to read 'em, but I couldn't get past the titles. 292 00:11:15,884 --> 00:11:17,261 You know? 'Cause the titles are bullshit. 293 00:11:17,261 --> 00:11:19,555 It's like, "Stop yelling and start connecting, dad." 294 00:11:20,639 --> 00:11:21,890 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 295 00:11:23,308 --> 00:11:24,726 "The anger-free home." 296 00:11:26,436 --> 00:11:27,688 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 297 00:11:29,690 --> 00:11:31,942 Fuck you. Anger free. 298 00:11:31,942 --> 00:11:33,819 'Cause I want everybody in this room to know tonight. 299 00:11:33,819 --> 00:11:36,905 - Anger is my love language. All right? That's it. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 300 00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:39,658 All right? And if they don't stop fucking around, they will get physical touch. 301 00:11:39,658 --> 00:11:41,159 I promise on that shit right now. 302 00:11:41,159 --> 00:11:43,620 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 303 00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:45,581 There shouldn't be parenting books. That's all I'm saying. 304 00:11:45,581 --> 00:11:47,541 They shouldn't exist. 'Cause we've all been kids. 305 00:11:47,541 --> 00:11:49,877 Right? Don't write books for us, write books for them. 306 00:11:50,794 --> 00:11:52,337 Tell 'em our side. 307 00:11:52,337 --> 00:11:54,131 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 308 00:11:54,131 --> 00:11:57,384 With good titles like, "Mommy would love you, if your room was clean." 309 00:11:57,384 --> 00:11:59,094 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] - That'd be good one, right? 310 00:12:02,181 --> 00:12:05,475 or my personal favorite, "Dad yells 'cause you're 22 and still fucking live here." 311 00:12:05,475 --> 00:12:07,436 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] - MAN: Yeah! 312 00:12:09,980 --> 00:12:11,607 Get out of my basement. That's all I'm saying. 313 00:12:13,192 --> 00:12:15,444 It's bullshit. I don't know, man. 314 00:12:15,444 --> 00:12:16,653 I tried, I tried. I don't know. 315 00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:18,906 I have the 18-year-old daughter. That's fun. 316 00:12:18,906 --> 00:12:20,699 That's a good time. I don't know. 317 00:12:20,699 --> 00:12:23,660 Anybody in here raise teenage girls? Did anybody raise 'em? 318 00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:25,746 Oh, God. It's hard. Oh, my God. They're... 319 00:12:25,746 --> 00:12:27,581 The parenting books don't tell you all the shit. 320 00:12:27,581 --> 00:12:28,874 They don't tell you that teenage girls 321 00:12:28,874 --> 00:12:31,084 are the meanest thing on the planet. 322 00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:34,588 Right? They don't. And they'll fight with their mom for no reason at all, right? 323 00:12:34,588 --> 00:12:36,548 The other day, my daughter comes downstairs, 324 00:12:36,548 --> 00:12:38,425 and I just hear, "Good morning." I hear, "Fuck you!" 325 00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:40,219 - I'm like, "Okay, okay. All right." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 326 00:12:41,011 --> 00:12:42,888 "Shit." 327 00:12:42,888 --> 00:12:44,515 But here's what I've learned as a dad. Do not get in the middle of it. 328 00:12:44,515 --> 00:12:46,808 Dads, no matter how right you are, do not get in the middle. 329 00:12:46,808 --> 00:12:49,061 'Cause they will combine forces and turn on you like a velociraptor. 330 00:12:49,061 --> 00:12:50,521 - They don't give a shit. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 331 00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:53,065 They don't care. 332 00:12:54,942 --> 00:12:56,944 I didn't listen to my own advice. I got in the middle of it. 333 00:12:56,944 --> 00:12:58,278 I just hear, Good morning." "Fuck you!" 334 00:12:58,278 --> 00:12:59,696 I was like, "You listen here, young lady." 335 00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:00,948 I'm like, "That is your daughter." 336 00:13:00,948 --> 00:13:02,282 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 337 00:13:04,535 --> 00:13:05,827 "You can't talk to her like that." 338 00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:07,538 - "That is, um..." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 339 00:13:07,538 --> 00:13:09,915 Shit, it's good. 340 00:13:09,915 --> 00:13:11,750 My daughter yells at me all the time. Just all the... 341 00:13:11,750 --> 00:13:13,460 About shit I can't even do anything about. 342 00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:16,255 My daughter yells at me about Roe v. Wade. 343 00:13:16,255 --> 00:13:17,923 Right? I'm like, "You know I'm a comedian, right? 344 00:13:17,923 --> 00:13:20,300 Like, I'm not on the Supreme Court. I didn't do this shit." 345 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:21,718 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 346 00:13:21,718 --> 00:13:23,262 See how she gets mad. She's like, "Dad, you want us 347 00:13:23,262 --> 00:13:24,888 to have to go back to back alley abortions?" 348 00:13:24,888 --> 00:13:26,723 I'm like, "No. But like... 349 00:13:26,723 --> 00:13:28,475 That was a different time. That was the '60s, you know. 350 00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:30,185 You gotta think. We didn't have shit like YouTube." 351 00:13:31,061 --> 00:13:32,855 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 352 00:13:35,524 --> 00:13:37,526 - Right? - [AUDIENCE CLAPPING] 353 00:13:39,987 --> 00:13:42,072 No, before YouTube, I wouldn't change my own oil. 354 00:13:42,072 --> 00:13:43,699 I'll do brakes now. I don't give a shit. 355 00:13:43,699 --> 00:13:44,825 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 356 00:13:46,535 --> 00:13:47,494 Right? 357 00:13:48,996 --> 00:13:51,373 And don't call it a back alley abortion. That sounds bad. 358 00:13:51,373 --> 00:13:53,709 Get the white women involved. Call it a DIY abortion. 359 00:13:53,709 --> 00:13:56,295 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Right? 360 00:13:56,295 --> 00:14:00,507 Get Chip and Joanna Gaines in on that shit. Right? 361 00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:03,468 "Today we're starting the demolition. It's the most fun day. Uh..." 362 00:14:03,468 --> 00:14:05,220 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 363 00:14:05,220 --> 00:14:08,015 "This particular unit has been remodeled several times." 364 00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:10,601 - Uh... That's great. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 365 00:14:10,601 --> 00:14:11,894 MAN: Oh! 366 00:14:11,894 --> 00:14:13,270 Oh, that's where I lost you guys? 367 00:14:13,270 --> 00:14:15,439 On the imaginary abortion? Are you serious? 368 00:14:15,439 --> 00:14:17,566 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 369 00:14:17,566 --> 00:14:19,818 You better buckle up. It's gonna get worse, okay? 370 00:14:20,736 --> 00:14:22,905 [LAUGHS] Stupid, man. 371 00:14:22,905 --> 00:14:25,199 It's... You guys. [LAUGHS] 372 00:14:25,199 --> 00:14:27,743 What a weird place. I don't know. 373 00:14:27,743 --> 00:14:29,369 You guys were really good and then you're like, 374 00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:31,288 "No, abor..." Ha, ha! [SIGHS WEARILY] 375 00:14:31,288 --> 00:14:32,623 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 376 00:14:32,623 --> 00:14:33,999 It's the best. That's my favorite laugh. 377 00:14:33,999 --> 00:14:35,250 When you're like, "Ha, ha! Oh, shit." 378 00:14:35,250 --> 00:14:37,085 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 379 00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:39,379 It's the best. That's the best laugh. 380 00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:41,673 My daughter, man, 18 now, she turned. 381 00:14:41,673 --> 00:14:45,636 And she reminds me. She's like, "Dad, I'm 18. I'm an adult. I'll do what the fuck I want." 382 00:14:45,636 --> 00:14:47,596 Really. That's what she says. And she does, too, man. 383 00:14:47,596 --> 00:14:50,307 The day she turned 18, she went out, she got a tattoo, a belly button ring 384 00:14:50,307 --> 00:14:51,934 and that permanent birth control shit in her arm. 385 00:14:52,809 --> 00:14:54,436 So, she fucks. 386 00:14:54,436 --> 00:14:57,731 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - That's what I learned that day. Yeah. 387 00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:01,151 You know. Whatever, you know. You can't really do anything about it, right? 388 00:15:01,151 --> 00:15:02,736 You know, just be safe, whatever. 389 00:15:02,736 --> 00:15:04,947 We actually learned like a year earlier. 390 00:15:04,947 --> 00:15:07,241 She told us she was active. And I was like, "Good, babe. Go to the gym. That's great." 391 00:15:07,241 --> 00:15:08,492 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 392 00:15:10,285 --> 00:15:12,162 "Take care of yourself." [LAUGHS] You know? 393 00:15:12,162 --> 00:15:13,789 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 394 00:15:13,789 --> 00:15:15,749 Well, she... The fucked up part... 395 00:15:15,749 --> 00:15:18,043 Her boyfriend, he was a year older than her 396 00:15:18,043 --> 00:15:19,545 and he was graduating high school 397 00:15:19,545 --> 00:15:21,129 and my wife and I were sitting around and my wife goes, 398 00:15:21,129 --> 00:15:23,048 "Well, what are we gonna get him for a graduation present?" 399 00:15:24,508 --> 00:15:26,260 "I think we're good. I think, uh..." 400 00:15:26,260 --> 00:15:28,220 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - What? 401 00:15:31,557 --> 00:15:33,016 We can grab a gift card on the way, 402 00:15:33,016 --> 00:15:35,811 but I think we've given enough. I think we're... okay. 403 00:15:35,811 --> 00:15:37,437 Right? 404 00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:39,022 The tattoo pissed me off. 405 00:15:39,022 --> 00:15:40,691 The tattoo definitely made me mad. And I'm not anti-tattoo. 406 00:15:40,691 --> 00:15:42,651 I don't know why I looked at you guys. Oh, yeah, I do. Uh... 407 00:15:42,651 --> 00:15:44,152 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 408 00:15:44,152 --> 00:15:45,779 Right? [LAUGHS] 409 00:15:48,991 --> 00:15:51,285 I'm not anti-tattoo. I have tattoos. I'm not against that. 410 00:15:51,285 --> 00:15:54,079 But what pissed me off is she wanted to get like a tattoo of our dogs. 411 00:15:54,079 --> 00:15:56,081 Like a little silhouette of our dogs on her arm. 412 00:15:56,081 --> 00:15:58,292 And I'm like, "Aw, that's cute. Whatever." 413 00:15:58,292 --> 00:16:00,961 But I was taught, you don't get a tattoo of a living thing. 414 00:16:00,961 --> 00:16:02,045 Right? 'Cause bad shit happens. 415 00:16:02,045 --> 00:16:03,755 Right? People die, relationships end. 416 00:16:03,755 --> 00:16:05,674 I was like, "Baby, please, whatever you do, do not get this tattoo." 417 00:16:05,674 --> 00:16:07,551 She's like, "Dad, I'm 18. I'll do what I want." 418 00:16:08,594 --> 00:16:10,262 So, I had to rush home, 419 00:16:10,262 --> 00:16:11,388 kill the fucking dogs. 420 00:16:11,388 --> 00:16:12,681 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Listen... 421 00:16:15,184 --> 00:16:17,477 When you're a dad, you gotta be right. You gotta be right. 422 00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:18,854 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 423 00:16:18,854 --> 00:16:20,772 I showed her ass. That's all I'm saying. [LAUGHS] 424 00:16:22,274 --> 00:16:24,818 I didn't kill the dogs. Relax. It's fine, it's okay. 425 00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:27,112 They're still there. It's good, it's good. 426 00:16:27,112 --> 00:16:28,530 We just went on a road trip recently. 427 00:16:28,530 --> 00:16:30,824 That's... You wanna... [GROANS] Jesus, it's... 428 00:16:30,824 --> 00:16:33,452 It was fun 'cause we got to spend a lot of time together. 429 00:16:33,452 --> 00:16:36,580 But, uh, it was weird 'cause it led to very awkward conversations. 430 00:16:36,580 --> 00:16:39,166 Like one day, we're driving along and a song came on 431 00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:42,836 and I swear, all I said, I go, "I think this song is older than me." 432 00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:44,379 You know what she said? 433 00:16:44,379 --> 00:16:47,132 - "Ew." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 434 00:16:47,132 --> 00:16:49,259 That's not an "ew" moment, all right? That's not. 435 00:16:49,259 --> 00:16:50,719 I didn't say anything "ew" worthy, right? 436 00:16:50,719 --> 00:16:52,346 Like if I said, "Hey, you know, your mom and I, 437 00:16:52,346 --> 00:16:55,349 [CHUCKLES] we used to get busy to this song." Right? Right? 438 00:16:55,349 --> 00:16:57,643 Or if Isaid, "Hey, you know how old this song is, princess?" 439 00:16:57,643 --> 00:17:00,062 [CLICKS TONGUE] "Your age plus nine months." That is a solid... 440 00:17:00,062 --> 00:17:01,688 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 441 00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:04,608 That's a solid "ew." But I didn't say that shit. It's good. 442 00:17:04,608 --> 00:17:06,902 - [LAUGHS] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 443 00:17:06,902 --> 00:17:08,445 I give her a lot of shit on stage, I do. 444 00:17:08,445 --> 00:17:10,405 Uh, you know, 'cause... 445 00:17:10,405 --> 00:17:12,157 People ask me, "Why do you talk so much shit about your daughter on stage?" 446 00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:14,576 I'm like, "Mostly 'cause she's too young to get into comedy clubs." 447 00:17:14,576 --> 00:17:18,372 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - So, this is my shot. This is what I have. You know? 448 00:17:18,372 --> 00:17:20,415 I do talk a lot of shit, but she's a good kid, I will say that. 449 00:17:20,415 --> 00:17:23,001 She's a great kid. She's smart, she gets good grades. 450 00:17:23,001 --> 00:17:26,713 She does theater, she's on a rock climbing team. She's just... 451 00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:28,382 You ever hear something come out of your mouth 452 00:17:28,382 --> 00:17:30,467 and be like, "That is the whitest sentence any human being... 453 00:17:30,467 --> 00:17:32,219 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 454 00:17:32,219 --> 00:17:34,263 ...has ever said," right? 455 00:17:34,263 --> 00:17:35,848 I'm like, "I don't know about white privilege." 456 00:17:35,848 --> 00:17:37,891 I'm like, "My daughter's on a rock climbing team... 457 00:17:37,891 --> 00:17:38,851 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 458 00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:46,817 - ...in Manassas, Virginia." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 459 00:17:46,817 --> 00:17:49,987 Yeah, that checks out, that checks out. That's fine. That's fine. 460 00:17:49,987 --> 00:17:51,989 She used to be a gymnast. That was her thing for a long time. 461 00:17:51,989 --> 00:17:53,490 She was gymnast. She was good too. 462 00:17:53,490 --> 00:17:55,868 Like, everybody thinks their kid's good, but she was like 463 00:17:55,868 --> 00:17:57,119 pack your shit, move to the Midwest, 464 00:17:57,119 --> 00:17:58,579 live with a bunch of child molesters. 465 00:17:58,579 --> 00:18:01,164 - Like, that's the level of good. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 466 00:18:01,164 --> 00:18:04,042 "Oh, okay. We found the line in Hanover. Okay, cool. Oh." 467 00:18:04,042 --> 00:18:05,794 Everybody was cool they were fucking three minutes ago, 468 00:18:05,794 --> 00:18:08,505 but now, no, no. That's good. [CHUCKLES] 469 00:18:08,505 --> 00:18:11,508 Was anybody really surprised when the USA gymnastics stuff all broke? 470 00:18:11,508 --> 00:18:13,260 Did you see the press conference? 471 00:18:13,260 --> 00:18:14,678 It was great. They came out like, "Well, we didn't see it coming." 472 00:18:15,387 --> 00:18:17,472 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 473 00:18:17,472 --> 00:18:19,141 I'm like, "You put a bunch of little girls in a house 474 00:18:19,141 --> 00:18:21,101 with a bunch of dudes from eastern Europe." 475 00:18:21,101 --> 00:18:22,603 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 476 00:18:22,603 --> 00:18:24,271 Ray Charles could see that shit coming. 477 00:18:24,271 --> 00:18:26,106 - What are you talking about, man, right? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 478 00:18:28,192 --> 00:18:30,485 It's ridiculous, man. She was good, but we had to stop, 479 00:18:30,485 --> 00:18:32,946 'cause it was expensive. It was too expensive. 480 00:18:32,946 --> 00:18:35,199 We figured out by the time she was 11 years old, 481 00:18:35,199 --> 00:18:38,076 we were spending over $1,000 a month to keep her in gymnastics. 482 00:18:38,076 --> 00:18:39,870 Right? At 11. 483 00:18:39,870 --> 00:18:41,955 But she's gonna be the next Simone Biles, right? So, it's worth it. 484 00:18:41,955 --> 00:18:43,540 Right? Then the unthinkable happens, man. 485 00:18:43,540 --> 00:18:46,835 Age 11, she falls off a balance beam and breaks her back. 486 00:18:46,835 --> 00:18:48,962 Yeah, that's when parenting becomes hard, right? 487 00:18:48,962 --> 00:18:51,006 'Cause you gotta sit your little girl down and you gotta tell her, 488 00:18:51,006 --> 00:18:53,383 "I'm sorry, but your dream of being an Olympic gymnast is dead." 489 00:18:54,092 --> 00:18:56,762 And that's tough. 490 00:18:56,762 --> 00:19:00,098 But holy shit, when I think of the money we saved? I'm like, "Hell, yeah. Yeah!" 491 00:19:00,098 --> 00:19:02,100 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - That got me through it. 492 00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:03,644 [LAUGHS] Yeah. 493 00:19:03,644 --> 00:19:05,604 I'm like, "Your dream of being a gymnast is dead. 494 00:19:05,604 --> 00:19:07,481 But dad's dream of a boat, alive and well." 495 00:19:07,481 --> 00:19:09,024 - It is great. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 496 00:19:09,024 --> 00:19:10,817 [LAUGHS] 497 00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:13,654 "I'm sorry. I'm sorry you can't do the one thing that brings you joy. 498 00:19:13,654 --> 00:19:17,407 But we are gonna take some amazing vacations from now on. 499 00:19:17,407 --> 00:19:19,868 What? No, you're not always gonna get to go, but we love you. 500 00:19:19,868 --> 00:19:21,828 - And, uh... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 501 00:19:23,705 --> 00:19:28,460 ...we will always send you a T-shirt." [LAUGHS] 502 00:19:28,460 --> 00:19:31,505 Oh, man. You guys are a fun crowd, man. I like you guys. 503 00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:34,424 Oh, man, it's a fun time. 504 00:19:34,424 --> 00:19:36,343 I'm gonna let you guys in on a little secret. 505 00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:39,304 Um, he introduced me as Dewayne and I know some of you were like, 506 00:19:40,264 --> 00:19:41,348 "Really? Uh..." 507 00:19:41,348 --> 00:19:43,684 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 508 00:19:43,684 --> 00:19:46,395 I get it. I'm a white dude named Dewayne, sir. It's okay, it's fine. 509 00:19:46,395 --> 00:19:49,314 [CHUCKLES] My last name is White. So it balances out. We're gonna be okay. 510 00:19:49,314 --> 00:19:52,025 It's gonna be... [LAUGHS] It's gonna be great. 511 00:19:52,025 --> 00:19:55,529 Uh... No, Dewayne is actually my middle name. It's what I go by. 512 00:19:55,529 --> 00:19:57,781 Uh, but my real first name is actually Shannon. 513 00:19:57,781 --> 00:20:00,200 - MAN: Ew! - Fuck you. Okay. What? 514 00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:01,410 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 515 00:20:02,494 --> 00:20:03,453 [CHUCKLES] 516 00:20:08,792 --> 00:20:12,045 At least wait for the punch line, asshole. Like, I don't know. 517 00:20:12,045 --> 00:20:15,007 I don't care, I don't care. I don't mind it now. I don't give a shit. 518 00:20:15,007 --> 00:20:18,927 I'm a grown man, who cares? But when I was a kid, it was bullshit, dude. 519 00:20:18,927 --> 00:20:21,263 I'll give you an example. I'm 13 years old, I got a package in the mail. 520 00:20:21,263 --> 00:20:22,931 It's like, "Happy Birthday, Shannon." 521 00:20:22,931 --> 00:20:24,850 I'm like, "Yes, it's a new toy. I've never heard of the company." 522 00:20:24,850 --> 00:20:27,895 They sound cool. Uh, Playtex. Okay, uh..." 523 00:20:27,895 --> 00:20:29,521 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Hmm. 524 00:20:31,148 --> 00:20:33,150 I'm 13, dude. I've never seen a tampon before. 525 00:20:33,150 --> 00:20:34,735 I have no idea what these things are. 526 00:20:34,735 --> 00:20:36,904 Right? I open up the package, I start playing with 'em, right? 527 00:20:36,904 --> 00:20:38,530 Just like... 528 00:20:38,530 --> 00:20:39,865 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 529 00:20:48,207 --> 00:20:49,875 These are the worst fucking party poppers ever. 530 00:20:49,875 --> 00:20:52,878 - These are bullshit. Right? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 531 00:20:52,878 --> 00:20:55,005 There's a string. I'm like, "Maybe a firecracker, you know?" 532 00:20:55,005 --> 00:20:56,215 - [LAUGHS] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 533 00:20:56,215 --> 00:20:58,425 Did not explode, but, you know. 534 00:20:58,425 --> 00:21:01,428 They're flammable as shit. Don't know if you knew that. They'll burn for a long time. 535 00:21:01,428 --> 00:21:03,013 That's crazy. 536 00:21:03,013 --> 00:21:05,849 [LAUGHS] I think the worst same time for me, age 13, 537 00:21:05,849 --> 00:21:07,601 I got invited to be a contestant 538 00:21:07,601 --> 00:21:08,936 at Miss Teen USA. 539 00:21:08,936 --> 00:21:11,230 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Yeah. Yeah. 540 00:21:11,230 --> 00:21:13,982 I was pissed. I was embarrassed, upset. 541 00:21:13,982 --> 00:21:17,319 - Fucking third place? That's bullshit. Come on. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 542 00:21:17,319 --> 00:21:19,029 Right? 543 00:21:19,029 --> 00:21:21,240 I wish it was now. Dude, I would've just gone. I'll be like, 544 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:23,742 [THUMP] "I'm Shannon. Where's my roommate? Let's go." 545 00:21:23,742 --> 00:21:25,035 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - "What's up? 546 00:21:26,828 --> 00:21:28,413 I identify as a beauty queen." 547 00:21:28,413 --> 00:21:30,207 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 548 00:21:30,207 --> 00:21:31,542 "What's up?" 549 00:21:31,542 --> 00:21:34,419 Just, yeah... [CHUCKLES] 550 00:21:34,419 --> 00:21:36,338 I was bitching about it one time and my mom, swear to God, 551 00:21:36,338 --> 00:21:37,631 she goes, "It's your dad's fault. 552 00:21:37,631 --> 00:21:39,466 He insisted on naming you Shannon." 553 00:21:39,466 --> 00:21:41,134 She goes, "I was gonna call you John Edward." 554 00:21:42,427 --> 00:21:44,221 - "All right, Mom, uh..." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 555 00:21:44,221 --> 00:21:46,890 I'm like, "Let's go to the board on that one. Uh... 556 00:21:46,890 --> 00:21:50,602 John. Edward. White." 557 00:21:50,602 --> 00:21:51,937 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 558 00:21:55,399 --> 00:21:56,942 [INCREASED LAUGHTER] 559 00:22:01,613 --> 00:22:03,740 "My initials are JEW. Are you serious, Mom? 560 00:22:05,450 --> 00:22:07,953 We're Irish. That's gonna confuse the whole trailer park, Mom." 561 00:22:07,953 --> 00:22:10,247 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - It's bullshit. 562 00:22:10,247 --> 00:22:12,124 That's why when I turned 18, I joined the Army. 563 00:22:12,124 --> 00:22:13,500 I was like, "Fuck it. They go by last names." 564 00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:15,586 You know what I mean? It's better. 565 00:22:15,586 --> 00:22:17,296 I was in the army for a long time. We got vets here? 566 00:22:17,296 --> 00:22:19,131 - Do we have any veterans here tonight? - AUDIENCE: Whoo! 567 00:22:19,131 --> 00:22:21,550 Yeah. Are you a vet, sir? Yeah? What branch? 568 00:22:21,550 --> 00:22:23,510 - MAN: Air Force. - Air Force? I kinda meant military. 569 00:22:23,510 --> 00:22:25,429 - But that's okay. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 570 00:22:25,429 --> 00:22:30,309 I'm kidding. It's okay. That's fine, it's fine. It's all good. [LAUGHS] 571 00:22:30,309 --> 00:22:33,020 You're a big dude, too. I need to shut up. That's not okay. 572 00:22:33,020 --> 00:22:34,646 - [CHUCKLES] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 573 00:22:34,646 --> 00:22:36,064 How long did you do? How long were you in? 574 00:22:36,064 --> 00:22:37,274 - MAN: Six years. - Six years? Yeah. 575 00:22:37,274 --> 00:22:39,109 I did 23 years, man. That was a long time. 576 00:22:39,109 --> 00:22:40,402 - It was good. Yeah, yeah. - MAN 2: Whoo! 577 00:22:40,402 --> 00:22:42,154 - [AUDIENCE CLAPPING] - It was crazy, man. 578 00:22:43,447 --> 00:22:45,115 [LAUGHS] It was nuts. 579 00:22:45,115 --> 00:22:46,700 I planned to do four, then get the fuck out. That was my plan. 580 00:22:46,700 --> 00:22:48,869 Four years, get out. Uh, then I got some credit card debt. 581 00:22:49,661 --> 00:22:51,121 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 582 00:22:51,121 --> 00:22:53,707 [LAUGHING] Twenty-three years later... 583 00:22:53,707 --> 00:22:57,002 - Still got credit card debt. But whatever, it's fine. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 584 00:22:57,002 --> 00:22:59,046 I'll tell you, this is how they got me. This is how they got me. 585 00:22:59,046 --> 00:23:01,256 Uh, the first place they ever sent me was Germany, man. 586 00:23:01,256 --> 00:23:02,799 I loved it over there, I had so much fun. 587 00:23:02,799 --> 00:23:05,093 Uh, I actually have a souvenir in my house that reminds 588 00:23:05,093 --> 00:23:06,428 every single day of Germany. It's cool. 589 00:23:06,428 --> 00:23:08,305 Uh, in fact, we've been married for 25 years. 590 00:23:08,305 --> 00:23:09,723 - It's great. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 591 00:23:09,723 --> 00:23:12,017 [LAUGHING] 592 00:23:12,017 --> 00:23:14,686 She loves it when I call her a souvenir. It's fine, it's fine. 593 00:23:14,686 --> 00:23:17,022 I'm not allowed to say war trophy... anymore. But... 594 00:23:17,022 --> 00:23:18,649 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 595 00:23:18,649 --> 00:23:21,360 Oh, fuck her. Shut up, they lost. 596 00:23:21,360 --> 00:23:22,986 I can say what I want. I tell her all the time, 597 00:23:22,986 --> 00:23:24,196 you don't like it, win a goddamn war. 598 00:23:24,196 --> 00:23:25,948 - You know what I mean? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 599 00:23:25,948 --> 00:23:27,241 We gave 'em two shots at the title. 600 00:23:27,241 --> 00:23:28,617 They came up empty both times. 601 00:23:28,617 --> 00:23:30,160 - You know what I mean? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 602 00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:32,871 - You're a war trophy it is. [LAUGHS] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 603 00:23:33,956 --> 00:23:35,707 I love being married to a foreigner. 604 00:23:35,707 --> 00:23:37,835 I think it's cool, I think it's awesome. Uh, not everybody does. 605 00:23:37,835 --> 00:23:40,671 I did a show in D.C. back in 2020. This dude walks up to me after the show, he goes, 606 00:23:40,671 --> 00:23:43,215 "Hey, man. How could you marry a goddamn foreigner?" 607 00:23:43,215 --> 00:23:45,467 [FAINT LAUGHTER] 608 00:23:45,467 --> 00:23:48,387 Wow. I was like, "Shit, listen, uh... Mr. President... 609 00:23:48,387 --> 00:23:50,097 - Um..." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 610 00:23:53,183 --> 00:23:56,854 "I'm just saying, yours has an accent, too, bro. That's all I'm saying. 611 00:23:56,854 --> 00:23:59,106 We're both driving imports. You know what I'm saying, buddy?" 612 00:23:59,106 --> 00:24:00,941 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 613 00:24:00,941 --> 00:24:04,111 It wasn't him, obviously. It wasn't him. But it was a dude in a red hat. 614 00:24:04,111 --> 00:24:05,696 - And so... [LAUGHS] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 615 00:24:05,696 --> 00:24:07,823 I got pissed, dude. I got in his face. I'm like, 616 00:24:07,823 --> 00:24:10,158 "You listen here, buddy." I go, "It's 2020. I'm not putting up with this bullshit. 617 00:24:10,158 --> 00:24:11,368 It was just like anything else, right. 618 00:24:11,368 --> 00:24:13,495 You find someone you like, you fall in love. 619 00:24:13,495 --> 00:24:14,955 And then you move her to your cart." 620 00:24:15,831 --> 00:24:17,833 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 621 00:24:17,833 --> 00:24:19,376 What's the point of having Prime? 622 00:24:19,376 --> 00:24:21,336 - What's the point of having Prime... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 623 00:24:21,336 --> 00:24:24,381 ...if I can't get that shit in two days? Let's go. 624 00:24:24,381 --> 00:24:26,466 Save your receipts, though. The return policy is a bitch. 625 00:24:26,466 --> 00:24:28,218 - [LAUGHS] It's rough. It's too bad. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 626 00:24:29,011 --> 00:24:29,970 [LAUGHS] 627 00:24:33,891 --> 00:24:37,769 Oh, man. No, uh, we actually got married in Germany, which was pretty cool. 628 00:24:37,769 --> 00:24:40,105 Uh, well, okay, if I'm 100% honest, like, we had to get married. 629 00:24:41,565 --> 00:24:42,774 [LAUGHS] Yeah. 630 00:24:42,774 --> 00:24:46,153 - Yeah, fun fact. Uh... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 631 00:24:46,153 --> 00:24:48,071 When you're in the army and you leave Germany, 632 00:24:48,071 --> 00:24:50,532 you're required by regulation 633 00:24:50,532 --> 00:24:52,201 to bring home either a wife or a cuckoo clock. 634 00:24:52,201 --> 00:24:54,703 - That's just... those are the rules. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 635 00:24:54,703 --> 00:24:55,913 All right? [LAUGHS] 636 00:24:57,497 --> 00:24:58,790 I give her shit for being a foreigner. 637 00:24:58,790 --> 00:25:00,083 But I do wanna say this, uh, tonight. 638 00:25:00,083 --> 00:25:02,002 She's here tonight and I just wanna say, 639 00:25:02,002 --> 00:25:04,046 she's the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. Best decision ever made. 640 00:25:04,046 --> 00:25:06,548 And, uh, you know, we just celebrated 25 years of marriage. 641 00:25:06,548 --> 00:25:08,675 - That's a pretty big deal. Yeah, yeah. - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 642 00:25:08,675 --> 00:25:10,010 - Yeah, I'm pretty happy. - [AUDIENCE CLAPPING] 643 00:25:11,011 --> 00:25:11,970 Best... 644 00:25:13,055 --> 00:25:15,140 Best decision ever. Yeah. 645 00:25:15,140 --> 00:25:16,850 'Cause you can't have sex with a clock. 646 00:25:16,850 --> 00:25:19,478 - I think that's really my message tonight. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 647 00:25:19,478 --> 00:25:21,104 Okay, you can. You can, sir. 648 00:25:21,104 --> 00:25:22,397 But, with a cuckoo clock, 649 00:25:22,397 --> 00:25:24,358 timing is extremely important, all right? 650 00:25:24,358 --> 00:25:25,776 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 651 00:25:25,776 --> 00:25:27,486 There's a dude with an ax and a saw, you know? 652 00:25:27,486 --> 00:25:29,029 Hoo-hoo! Just... 653 00:25:29,029 --> 00:25:30,697 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 654 00:25:30,697 --> 00:25:31,865 Be careful at the top of the hour. 655 00:25:31,865 --> 00:25:32,950 That's all I'm trying to say, dude. 656 00:25:32,950 --> 00:25:33,909 It's good. 657 00:25:34,868 --> 00:25:35,911 It's good. [LAUGHS] 658 00:25:37,412 --> 00:25:39,081 Oh, I'll tell you guys my favorite Germany story. 659 00:25:39,081 --> 00:25:40,582 I had just gotten there, I'm like 19 years old. 660 00:25:40,582 --> 00:25:42,042 I'm excited, we're ready to go do training. 661 00:25:42,042 --> 00:25:43,710 I'm like, "Hey, guys. What are we doing?" 662 00:25:43,710 --> 00:25:46,505 And they go, "Well, we don't have the facilities on our base, 663 00:25:46,505 --> 00:25:48,507 so we have to go down to the German base, 664 00:25:48,507 --> 00:25:49,633 to do gas chamber training." 665 00:25:50,342 --> 00:25:51,844 [FAINT LAUGHTER] 666 00:25:54,263 --> 00:25:55,556 "What?" [LAUGHS] 667 00:25:56,098 --> 00:25:57,474 Right? 668 00:25:57,474 --> 00:25:59,309 Now I realize, not everybody in here was military, 669 00:25:59,309 --> 00:26:01,728 so for those who weren't in the military, you don't know what that is. 670 00:26:01,728 --> 00:26:03,272 So, if you weren't in the military or I don't know, 671 00:26:03,272 --> 00:26:04,648 you were in the Air Force or whatever. 672 00:26:04,648 --> 00:26:05,858 - Uh... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 673 00:26:08,735 --> 00:26:10,320 You take a little room, you fill it full of tear gas, 674 00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:12,155 to simulate like a chemical environment 675 00:26:12,155 --> 00:26:13,574 or Baltimore, whatever. 676 00:26:13,574 --> 00:26:14,616 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 677 00:26:18,453 --> 00:26:22,749 Whatever town you guys gas on a regular basis in Pennsylvania, I don't know. 678 00:26:22,749 --> 00:26:25,711 But, [LAUGHS] you go in with a mask on, you take your mask off. 679 00:26:25,711 --> 00:26:27,504 You know, everybody does it, no big deal. 680 00:26:28,380 --> 00:26:30,174 In America. 681 00:26:30,174 --> 00:26:32,384 I'm just saying, these fuckers have a history. That's all I'm saying. 682 00:26:32,384 --> 00:26:33,677 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Right? 683 00:26:33,677 --> 00:26:35,554 And I'm a smart ass. I can't let it go, right? 684 00:26:35,554 --> 00:26:37,681 We get to the German base, this big ass German dude comes out. 685 00:26:37,681 --> 00:26:39,725 He's like... [MIMICKING HEAVY STEPS] 686 00:26:42,561 --> 00:26:45,397 [IN A PEPPY GERMAN ACCENT] Does anyone have any questions before you go in our chamber? 687 00:26:45,397 --> 00:26:46,440 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 688 00:26:48,984 --> 00:26:51,695 [IN NORMAL VOICE] I'm like, "Yes! Shit, sorry. Yes! Uh..." 689 00:26:51,695 --> 00:26:52,821 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 690 00:26:53,864 --> 00:26:54,948 [LAUGHS] 691 00:26:59,536 --> 00:27:00,871 Nobody else has a problem with this? 692 00:27:00,871 --> 00:27:02,831 - Like nobody sees an issue? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 693 00:27:02,831 --> 00:27:04,416 They're like, "White, shut up." 694 00:27:04,416 --> 00:27:06,084 I'm like, "You guys don't have the History Channel over here? 695 00:27:06,084 --> 00:27:09,671 Like, why are we going in their chamber, man? 696 00:27:09,671 --> 00:27:11,882 [LAUGHS] We won." 697 00:27:11,882 --> 00:27:13,759 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 698 00:27:13,759 --> 00:27:14,718 "Two times." 699 00:27:16,178 --> 00:27:18,430 Now the German dude's all pissed off, right? 700 00:27:18,430 --> 00:27:19,806 He's looking at his roster, he's like, 701 00:27:19,806 --> 00:27:21,725 [IN A GERMAN ACCENT] "Mr. White." [LAUGHS SHEEPISHLY] 702 00:27:21,725 --> 00:27:23,769 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - [CLICKS TONGUE] 703 00:27:23,769 --> 00:27:25,812 - "What's your first name?" - [IN NORMAL VOICE] I'm like, "Fuck you, dude. Really?" 704 00:27:25,812 --> 00:27:27,272 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 705 00:27:29,566 --> 00:27:32,027 I go, "It's John Edward, dude." Now I'm damn sure not going in that thing. 706 00:27:32,027 --> 00:27:33,487 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 707 00:27:34,196 --> 00:27:35,155 MAN: Yeah! 708 00:27:36,949 --> 00:27:38,951 "Matter of fact, I'll just be over here looking at your clocks. 709 00:27:38,951 --> 00:27:40,953 - You know what I mean?" - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 710 00:27:40,953 --> 00:27:43,330 That's bullshit. [LAUGHS] 711 00:27:43,330 --> 00:27:45,666 That's awesome, man. Oh, I don't know, man. 712 00:27:45,666 --> 00:27:47,751 When were you in the military, dude? When did you go in? 713 00:27:47,751 --> 00:27:49,419 - MAN: Uh, '95. - '95? 714 00:27:49,419 --> 00:27:51,922 Okay, so like right after Don't Ask, Don't Tell came into being. 715 00:27:51,922 --> 00:27:54,216 Like, I'm not calling you gay. Like, I don't mean that. 716 00:27:54,216 --> 00:27:55,425 I came in in 1992. 717 00:27:55,425 --> 00:27:56,969 That was before Don't Ask, Don't Tell. 718 00:27:56,969 --> 00:27:58,512 That was when it was illegal... 719 00:27:58,512 --> 00:28:01,014 Illegal to be gay in the military, right? 720 00:28:01,014 --> 00:28:02,850 Even the Navy, even those guys. 721 00:28:02,850 --> 00:28:04,601 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 722 00:28:04,601 --> 00:28:06,770 I'm not saying they enforced the rules exactly the same. 723 00:28:06,770 --> 00:28:09,481 I'm just saying it was technically illegal. 724 00:28:09,481 --> 00:28:11,400 But like, it was fucked up, 'cause they would ask you. 725 00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:13,610 They could ask you back then. They'd go, "Are you a homosexual?" 726 00:28:13,610 --> 00:28:15,529 And you're like, "No, hell no! Fuck, no! 727 00:28:16,405 --> 00:28:18,282 I think." 728 00:28:18,282 --> 00:28:20,951 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - "Like, maybe. I don't know. I'm 17. Like, I don't--" 729 00:28:20,951 --> 00:28:23,245 Right? At that point in my life, I had had equal amounts of each. 730 00:28:23,996 --> 00:28:25,163 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 731 00:28:26,707 --> 00:28:29,334 - Zero, zero. I see you guys... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 732 00:28:29,334 --> 00:28:32,629 Saw you guys looking at me weird. [LAUGHS] 733 00:28:32,629 --> 00:28:35,424 Somebody there's like, "Get that man a Bud Light." No, calm down. It's okay. 734 00:28:35,424 --> 00:28:36,842 - It's bullshit. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 735 00:28:38,427 --> 00:28:39,386 It's fine. 736 00:28:42,472 --> 00:28:43,724 But they would, they would ask you. 737 00:28:43,724 --> 00:28:44,808 They're like, "Are you a homosexual?" 738 00:28:44,808 --> 00:28:46,602 And it was a doctor that asked you. 739 00:28:46,602 --> 00:28:48,270 He'd be like, "Are you a homosexual?" You're like, "No, hell, no!" 740 00:28:48,270 --> 00:28:50,105 They're like, "Turn around, spread your butt cheeks, bend over. 741 00:28:50,105 --> 00:28:52,232 You're like, "Bullshit. I see what you're doing. No!" 742 00:28:52,232 --> 00:28:53,692 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 743 00:28:53,692 --> 00:28:55,527 "You're not getting me, buddy. You're not getting me." 744 00:28:56,320 --> 00:28:58,363 Right? But they would. 745 00:28:58,363 --> 00:29:00,490 And then, you would turn around and he would look right... [POOF] right there. 746 00:29:00,490 --> 00:29:01,658 It was crazy. 747 00:29:01,658 --> 00:29:03,493 And that's how the rumor started. 748 00:29:03,493 --> 00:29:06,205 There was a rumor that went around, it was like, "Well, they can tell." 749 00:29:06,205 --> 00:29:08,040 - Huh? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 750 00:29:08,040 --> 00:29:11,293 It's like, "They can tell if you've ever had anything up there." 751 00:29:11,293 --> 00:29:13,003 [BREATH TREMBLING] "Anything?" 752 00:29:13,003 --> 00:29:14,463 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 753 00:29:17,090 --> 00:29:18,175 "Ever? 'Cause I mean..." 754 00:29:18,175 --> 00:29:19,468 [LAUGHS] 755 00:29:19,468 --> 00:29:21,136 I was a latchkey kid. I had a lot of free time. 756 00:29:21,136 --> 00:29:23,180 - You know what I mean? I'm saying... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 757 00:29:23,180 --> 00:29:25,516 [LAUGHS] I used to play a little game called, "Will it fit." 758 00:29:25,516 --> 00:29:27,392 - And you know, usually... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 759 00:29:28,894 --> 00:29:30,562 [CHUCKLES] Usually, yeah. You know what I mean? 760 00:29:32,231 --> 00:29:33,982 Little "can do" attitude. You know what I mean? 761 00:29:33,982 --> 00:29:35,859 [SOFTLY] This gonna work? I don't know, man. 762 00:29:35,859 --> 00:29:38,320 [CHUCKLES] When did you get out? 763 00:29:38,320 --> 00:29:39,530 - Ninety, ninety-- - MAN: Uh, 2000. 764 00:29:39,530 --> 00:29:41,323 2000? All right. 765 00:29:41,323 --> 00:29:43,534 It's good. You get your disability? Did you get that? 766 00:29:43,534 --> 00:29:45,452 No? You need to get that, dude. I just got my 100%. 767 00:29:45,452 --> 00:29:47,663 That's the shit. It's pretty good, man. It's pretty dope. 768 00:29:47,663 --> 00:29:49,331 - It's pretty good. - [FAINT CLAPPING] 769 00:29:49,331 --> 00:29:51,792 Okay, that's... See how some of the people are clapping loud? 770 00:29:51,792 --> 00:29:53,043 That's 'cause they're veterans. 771 00:29:53,043 --> 00:29:54,878 Others are like, "I don't wanna clap too loud. 772 00:29:54,878 --> 00:29:56,171 They'll take my disability away." 773 00:29:56,171 --> 00:29:57,923 - That's fine, that's good. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 774 00:29:57,923 --> 00:29:59,341 I don't know, man. I don't... 775 00:29:59,341 --> 00:30:00,926 The people that are clapping get it. 776 00:30:00,926 --> 00:30:03,053 'Cause like... You know, I just got 100% 777 00:30:03,053 --> 00:30:04,888 and that means I get a check until the day I die. 778 00:30:04,888 --> 00:30:06,181 That's the best part about it. 779 00:30:06,181 --> 00:30:07,432 Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the best. 780 00:30:07,432 --> 00:30:08,600 But people don't understand that. 781 00:30:08,600 --> 00:30:10,102 They come up, they hear you're disabled, 782 00:30:10,102 --> 00:30:11,353 they go, "Oh, my God. Are you okay?" 783 00:30:11,353 --> 00:30:12,563 You're like, "You bet your ass I am." 784 00:30:12,563 --> 00:30:14,648 - Am I right? Yeah, yeah. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 785 00:30:14,648 --> 00:30:16,733 [CHUCKLES] I don't pay property taxes any more. 786 00:30:16,733 --> 00:30:19,319 It's awesome, it's great. Right? 787 00:30:19,319 --> 00:30:22,072 I'm a big fan of like raises for government employees now. 788 00:30:22,072 --> 00:30:24,616 They're like, "Yeah, we're gonna raise property taxes by 4%." 789 00:30:24,616 --> 00:30:27,411 - I'm like, "Fuck it, let's make it eight. Let's go." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 790 00:30:27,411 --> 00:30:29,079 "Yeah, let's do that, right?" 791 00:30:30,247 --> 00:30:32,624 [LAUGHS] It's good. 792 00:30:32,624 --> 00:30:33,959 I don't know. Other people come up pissed. 793 00:30:33,959 --> 00:30:35,752 They're like, "You don't look disabled." 794 00:30:35,752 --> 00:30:38,046 I'm like, "That's 'cause you can't see the movie that I'm watching." 795 00:30:38,046 --> 00:30:39,423 - So... Hmm. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 796 00:30:40,591 --> 00:30:41,884 [GRUNTS, LAUGHS] 797 00:30:41,884 --> 00:30:43,135 [AUDIENCE CLAPPING] 798 00:30:45,137 --> 00:30:47,139 It's good. 799 00:30:47,139 --> 00:30:49,224 When I first got my 100%, they told me they wanted to give me a service dog, right? 800 00:30:49,224 --> 00:30:51,310 And that's cool, man. I was like, "Yeah, that's awesome, but, hey..." 801 00:30:51,310 --> 00:30:53,562 I thought it was gonna be fast. I thought it was gonna be quick. 802 00:30:53,562 --> 00:30:55,939 I thought they just had like a Amazon warehouse full of dogs. 803 00:30:55,939 --> 00:30:57,399 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 804 00:30:57,399 --> 00:30:59,151 Just sitting around doing whatever dogs do. 805 00:30:59,151 --> 00:31:01,612 - Playing poker, whatever, I don't know, right? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 806 00:31:01,612 --> 00:31:03,030 And then an alarm goes off. 807 00:31:03,030 --> 00:31:04,615 And the dogs are like, "There's a veteran in Virginia 808 00:31:04,615 --> 00:31:06,658 that's having bad dreams. Go! Go! Go!" 809 00:31:06,658 --> 00:31:08,327 Right? And they just come running out, 810 00:31:08,327 --> 00:31:10,078 they slide down a pole. They're like, "We're here." [BARKS] 811 00:31:10,078 --> 00:31:12,080 - And then, you know... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 812 00:31:14,499 --> 00:31:15,959 That is not how that works. 813 00:31:15,959 --> 00:31:17,794 It takes a long time. It took almost two years 814 00:31:17,794 --> 00:31:19,671 for me to get a service dog, right? 815 00:31:19,671 --> 00:31:21,715 Finally, this non-profit calls. They go, "Hey, bro. We got you a dog." 816 00:31:21,715 --> 00:31:23,300 I'm like, "Sweet. That's awesome." 817 00:31:23,300 --> 00:31:24,635 They go, "Oh, you're gonna love him. He's a little black lab. 818 00:31:24,635 --> 00:31:25,969 His name is Trip, he's so cool." 819 00:31:25,969 --> 00:31:27,429 I was like, "Awesome, I love labs." 820 00:31:27,429 --> 00:31:29,473 And then they go, "Well, there's one small catch. 821 00:31:29,473 --> 00:31:32,518 Um, he actually failed out of service dog school." 822 00:31:32,518 --> 00:31:34,645 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 823 00:31:34,645 --> 00:31:37,314 I didn't know you could do that. Like, I didn't know that was a thing, right? 824 00:31:37,314 --> 00:31:40,150 But it does make sense, right? Not everybody gets through military school, right? 825 00:31:40,150 --> 00:31:43,904 Not everybody can be like an Army Ranger or a Navy SEAL, you know. 826 00:31:43,904 --> 00:31:45,531 Which is how we get Air Force people. 827 00:31:45,531 --> 00:31:46,490 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 828 00:31:52,287 --> 00:31:53,997 [CHUCKLES] It's cool. 829 00:31:53,997 --> 00:31:56,667 His name is Trip, he's a cool dog. But he is perfectly named. 830 00:31:56,667 --> 00:31:59,127 Because every couple of hours, he goes on a little mental vacation. 831 00:31:59,127 --> 00:32:00,879 He does. He does. 832 00:32:00,879 --> 00:32:02,297 He'll be normal and he'll walk up, 833 00:32:02,297 --> 00:32:03,674 he'll get two inches from the wall and just be like, 834 00:32:03,674 --> 00:32:05,259 - "Huh?" - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 835 00:32:10,180 --> 00:32:11,849 And he stays there for like two, three minutes. 836 00:32:11,849 --> 00:32:13,976 And I'm clapping, like, "Trip, Trip. Hey, Trip!" 837 00:32:13,976 --> 00:32:15,686 'Cause one second he was fine, next minute, 838 00:32:15,686 --> 00:32:17,020 he's Mitch McConnell at a press conference. 839 00:32:17,020 --> 00:32:18,564 - Just... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 840 00:32:25,821 --> 00:32:28,240 [GRUNTS] And he's back. I'm like, "Where the fuck did you go, Trip?" 841 00:32:28,240 --> 00:32:30,701 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - "Were you in the Upside Down? What happened to you?" 842 00:32:32,327 --> 00:32:33,620 This is fucking crazy, man. 843 00:32:33,620 --> 00:32:35,080 He's the dumbest dog I've ever had. 844 00:32:35,080 --> 00:32:36,582 I love him, but he's the dumbest dog I've ever had. 845 00:32:36,582 --> 00:32:38,417 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Right? 846 00:32:38,417 --> 00:32:40,627 When we got him, they told us... "You can't even feed him in a regular bowl 847 00:32:40,627 --> 00:32:42,462 'cause he'll eat too fast and screw up his stomach." 848 00:32:42,462 --> 00:32:45,549 So, we gotta feed him in this thing called a "slow bowl." 849 00:32:45,549 --> 00:32:47,718 If you don't know what it is, the dog eats a little bit 850 00:32:47,718 --> 00:32:49,428 then he goes off, he does a little doggy puzzle 851 00:32:49,428 --> 00:32:51,013 and then he comes back and eats a little more. 852 00:32:51,013 --> 00:32:52,639 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 853 00:32:52,639 --> 00:32:53,974 I'm pissed. I'm like, "This is bullshit. 854 00:32:53,974 --> 00:32:55,601 I gained weight when I got out of the military. 855 00:32:55,601 --> 00:32:57,144 Where was that technology for me?" 856 00:32:57,144 --> 00:32:58,270 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 857 00:33:00,480 --> 00:33:02,107 I go, "Okay, Dewayne, you can have another funnel cake, 858 00:33:02,107 --> 00:33:03,483 - but first..." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 859 00:33:07,237 --> 00:33:09,448 "A train leaves Boston going 75 miles an hour..." 860 00:33:09,448 --> 00:33:11,283 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 861 00:33:11,283 --> 00:33:13,076 WOMAN: Whoo! 862 00:33:13,076 --> 00:33:15,245 I'd have still been fat, but I'd have been smart. You know what I mean? 863 00:33:15,245 --> 00:33:16,205 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 864 00:33:17,831 --> 00:33:20,792 We have another dog too. It's kind of sad. 865 00:33:20,792 --> 00:33:22,878 He just got diagnosed with cancer. 866 00:33:22,878 --> 00:33:26,632 - So, yeah. Oh, I expected you to laugh at that. That's good. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 867 00:33:26,632 --> 00:33:29,092 He did. He just got diagnosed with cancer. It's very sad. 868 00:33:29,092 --> 00:33:30,844 Uh, they told us he has two months to live. 869 00:33:30,844 --> 00:33:34,431 Uh, and the shitty part is they told us that nine fucking months ago! 870 00:33:34,431 --> 00:33:36,892 No, and he's kicking ass. He's doing better than he's ever done. 871 00:33:36,892 --> 00:33:38,727 No, he's killing it. He's doing great. 872 00:33:38,727 --> 00:33:40,229 And here's my thing. 873 00:33:40,229 --> 00:33:41,688 If you tell me you're gonna die, 874 00:33:42,189 --> 00:33:43,273 fucking die! 875 00:33:43,273 --> 00:33:45,234 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - DEWAYNE: Right? 876 00:33:45,234 --> 00:33:46,735 No, 'cause I'm gonna treat you different. I am. 877 00:33:46,735 --> 00:33:48,278 'Cause when we found out he was dying, 878 00:33:48,278 --> 00:33:49,738 I started feeding him from the table. 879 00:33:49,738 --> 00:33:52,449 I made steaks. I made freaking steaks for this dog. 880 00:33:52,449 --> 00:33:55,953 He used to dig in the backyard and stuff and I was like, you know, 881 00:33:55,953 --> 00:33:57,538 'Hey, you know, don't dig." And now, I'm like, 882 00:33:57,538 --> 00:34:00,040 "You dig, buddy. You keep digging. You live your best life. 883 00:34:00,040 --> 00:34:03,544 Matter of fact, little bit more, little wider, little longer. 884 00:34:03,544 --> 00:34:05,212 - Keep going." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 885 00:34:05,212 --> 00:34:06,964 "No, don't fill it in. We got it. We got it" 886 00:34:06,964 --> 00:34:08,006 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 887 00:34:10,300 --> 00:34:11,677 [SCATTERED LAUGHTER] 888 00:34:14,137 --> 00:34:16,723 It took a while to go around the room. That's okay. That's fine. 889 00:34:18,684 --> 00:34:19,643 [LAUGHS] 890 00:34:20,811 --> 00:34:22,563 He... 891 00:34:22,563 --> 00:34:23,939 I doubled his food 'cause I was like, 892 00:34:23,939 --> 00:34:25,440 "Shit, we gotta get rid of it." 893 00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:27,651 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 894 00:34:27,651 --> 00:34:29,486 My wife got mad at me about that. 895 00:34:29,486 --> 00:34:31,071 She's like, "No, we gotta feed him right. We gotta keep him healthy. 896 00:34:31,071 --> 00:34:32,865 I'm like, "He's freaking dying. 897 00:34:32,865 --> 00:34:35,409 What are you ta..." I was like, "Don't pull that bullshit with me." 898 00:34:35,409 --> 00:34:37,327 If they're ever like, "Dewayne, you have six months to live." 899 00:34:37,327 --> 00:34:39,204 And you're like, "Oh, you should have a salad." 900 00:34:39,204 --> 00:34:40,998 "Fuck you, I'm doing heroin!" 901 00:34:40,998 --> 00:34:42,291 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 902 00:34:43,667 --> 00:34:45,878 I'm gonna deep fry heroin. That's what I'm doing. 903 00:34:45,878 --> 00:34:47,629 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 904 00:34:47,629 --> 00:34:49,673 Put that shit in a mozzarella stick or something, I don't care. 905 00:34:51,133 --> 00:34:52,092 It's bullshit. 906 00:34:54,136 --> 00:34:55,095 "Have a salad." 907 00:34:56,388 --> 00:34:58,473 I don't know, man. It's a weird time, man. 908 00:34:58,473 --> 00:34:59,683 - Phew. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 909 00:35:01,602 --> 00:35:03,103 Oh, man. I don't know. 910 00:35:03,103 --> 00:35:04,813 I did a lot of weird shit. I tried to do all the cool... 911 00:35:04,813 --> 00:35:06,523 I used to be a badass, I'm not gonna lie. I used to be a badass. 912 00:35:06,523 --> 00:35:08,859 I was like, [GRUNTS] You're looking at me like, "What happened?" 913 00:35:08,859 --> 00:35:10,652 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - I get it. 914 00:35:10,652 --> 00:35:13,447 No, I did. I'd volunteer for shit like, you know, jumping out of planes. 915 00:35:13,447 --> 00:35:16,658 And I did two tours in Bosnia, two tours in Iraq. 916 00:35:16,658 --> 00:35:18,076 I went to Florida. I mean... 917 00:35:18,076 --> 00:35:19,244 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 918 00:35:21,038 --> 00:35:22,414 I'm not stupid. I'm not stupid. 919 00:35:22,414 --> 00:35:24,833 I did one tour in Florida, that's it. Fuck that. 920 00:35:24,833 --> 00:35:26,877 But... [LAUGHS] 921 00:35:26,877 --> 00:35:27,961 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 922 00:35:27,961 --> 00:35:29,213 But I did. I would do all the shit. 923 00:35:29,213 --> 00:35:31,298 Anything you wanted me to, I'd do it. 924 00:35:31,298 --> 00:35:34,051 Now I'm like... Today, I pretended to be asleep to avoid carrying in groceries. 925 00:35:34,051 --> 00:35:36,011 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Things have changed. 926 00:35:36,011 --> 00:35:37,846 [LAUGHS] Things have changed. 927 00:35:37,846 --> 00:35:40,265 I did the whole like airborne, jumping out of planes thing. 928 00:35:40,265 --> 00:35:41,767 I did the whole ranger thing. 929 00:35:41,767 --> 00:35:43,227 I did the whole, let's invade a country 930 00:35:43,227 --> 00:35:44,603 and look around for chemical weapons for two years 931 00:35:44,603 --> 00:35:45,729 and never find 'cause it's not there, 932 00:35:45,729 --> 00:35:47,022 but goddamn it, we're going anyway... 933 00:35:47,022 --> 00:35:48,607 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 934 00:35:48,607 --> 00:35:50,817 ...thing. [LAUGHS] 935 00:35:50,817 --> 00:35:53,445 I tried. I looked everywhere. I looked everywhere for that shit. 936 00:35:53,445 --> 00:35:55,531 Right? Here's the thing, when I came back, 937 00:35:55,531 --> 00:35:57,407 it was funny, the 22-year-old white girls were pissed. 938 00:35:57,407 --> 00:35:59,409 They were like, "I'm so mad at Geroge. W. Bush." 939 00:35:59,409 --> 00:36:00,452 I'm like, "Bitch, you're mad?" 940 00:36:01,119 --> 00:36:02,329 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 941 00:36:03,539 --> 00:36:05,290 "Like, I got blown up. Fuck you." 942 00:36:05,290 --> 00:36:06,750 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Right? 943 00:36:06,750 --> 00:36:08,252 [LAUGHS] It was... 944 00:36:08,252 --> 00:36:09,503 Here's what I learned during that time. 945 00:36:09,503 --> 00:36:10,712 If I'm ever the president 946 00:36:10,712 --> 00:36:12,214 and I tell you we're invading a country 947 00:36:12,214 --> 00:36:14,842 because they have chemical weapons, I promise you this, 948 00:36:14,842 --> 00:36:17,052 we're gonna find some fucking chemical weapons. [LAUGHS] Right? 949 00:36:17,052 --> 00:36:19,429 Yeah. I don't care what it costs to ship that stuff over. 950 00:36:19,429 --> 00:36:23,016 - I am bringing in truck loads, right? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 951 00:36:23,016 --> 00:36:24,393 No, I'll hide it throughout the country 952 00:36:24,393 --> 00:36:25,894 like the world's worst Easter egg hunt. 953 00:36:25,894 --> 00:36:27,187 I don't give a shit, right? 954 00:36:27,187 --> 00:36:28,647 It's like, "Line up everybody. You guys ready? 955 00:36:28,647 --> 00:36:29,982 Everybody line up, line up. Ready? 956 00:36:29,982 --> 00:36:32,234 Three. Two. 957 00:36:32,234 --> 00:36:34,987 On... Back up, back up." [LAUGHS] 958 00:36:36,864 --> 00:36:38,532 Fucking Marines. Okay." 959 00:36:38,532 --> 00:36:40,033 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 960 00:36:42,077 --> 00:36:43,912 "Three, two, go get it, boys. 961 00:36:43,912 --> 00:36:46,373 Go find those chemical weapons. 962 00:36:46,373 --> 00:36:49,751 There's $20 in the golden egg, if you can find that one. It'll be great." 963 00:36:49,751 --> 00:36:51,211 I'm just saying lie. That's all I'm saying. 964 00:36:51,211 --> 00:36:52,421 Just lie, right? 965 00:36:52,421 --> 00:36:54,047 I'll lie about anything, I don't give a shit. 966 00:36:54,047 --> 00:36:56,049 Right? If I'm playing golf with you for a dollar a hole 967 00:36:56,049 --> 00:36:58,594 and I hit a ball that I'm not 100% sure I'm gonna find, 968 00:36:58,594 --> 00:36:59,553 guess what's in my pocket? 969 00:37:00,762 --> 00:37:02,472 Right? Ball looks just like the one I hit. 970 00:37:02,472 --> 00:37:03,640 - I go. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 971 00:37:03,640 --> 00:37:04,850 Right? 972 00:37:04,850 --> 00:37:07,102 Just lie. That's all I'm saying. Just lie. 973 00:37:07,811 --> 00:37:08,812 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 974 00:37:10,147 --> 00:37:11,982 I'm a bad liar, though, I'd probably get caught. 975 00:37:11,982 --> 00:37:13,859 No, I would. I'd have taken it too far. 976 00:37:13,859 --> 00:37:16,528 Like, I'd have a photo op with canisters and shit everywhere. 977 00:37:16,528 --> 00:37:18,405 I'll be like, "See these? 978 00:37:18,405 --> 00:37:21,366 These are all chemical weapons designed for use against the United States. 979 00:37:21,366 --> 00:37:23,118 It says it right on the side, "Ma-De in America," 980 00:37:23,118 --> 00:37:25,662 which I think we all know means "Death to America" in Arabic 981 00:37:25,662 --> 00:37:26,830 and that just proves my point that--" 982 00:37:26,830 --> 00:37:28,290 "Sir, that says, 'Made in America.'" 983 00:37:28,290 --> 00:37:29,541 "Fuck!" 984 00:37:29,541 --> 00:37:31,001 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 985 00:37:34,129 --> 00:37:36,048 [LAUGHS] 986 00:37:36,048 --> 00:37:38,759 I hate that joke, it's such a dumb joke. I hate it. 987 00:37:38,759 --> 00:37:42,554 No, I do. I hate that joke. But I tell it, 'cause I like to watch you guys, honestly. 988 00:37:42,554 --> 00:37:44,223 No, 'cause I told that joke all over the country 989 00:37:44,223 --> 00:37:45,933 and everywhere I say it, like, 990 00:37:45,933 --> 00:37:47,351 there's always three groups of people, no matter where I'm at. 991 00:37:47,351 --> 00:37:49,061 There's the first group, I say, "Ma-De in America," 992 00:37:49,061 --> 00:37:50,646 they get it, they giggle, right? 993 00:37:50,646 --> 00:37:53,607 There's the second group, I say, "Made in America," they laugh. 994 00:37:53,607 --> 00:37:56,985 And then, there's that third group. 995 00:37:56,985 --> 00:37:59,446 You're elbowing your wife going, "That dude speaks Arabic. That's pretty dope." 996 00:37:59,446 --> 00:38:01,865 - All right, cool, man. That's pretty dope. That's good. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 997 00:38:02,241 --> 00:38:03,659 [LAUGHS] 998 00:38:03,659 --> 00:38:05,452 No, I think they had 'em, man. I think they had 'em. 999 00:38:05,452 --> 00:38:07,454 I think the chemical weapons were probably there. 1000 00:38:07,454 --> 00:38:08,622 Trouble's who we had looking for 'em. 1001 00:38:09,831 --> 00:38:11,333 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1002 00:38:13,168 --> 00:38:14,920 Just a bunch of dudes like me, you know? 1003 00:38:14,920 --> 00:38:16,296 And if I'm honest, most days I can't find 1004 00:38:16,296 --> 00:38:18,715 my freaking keys in my own house. Let's be real. 1005 00:38:18,715 --> 00:38:20,676 Right? We could have solved the whole thing right away. 1006 00:38:20,676 --> 00:38:22,261 Just pull all of us out 1007 00:38:22,261 --> 00:38:24,596 and send in like one truckload of like, 1008 00:38:24,596 --> 00:38:27,432 wives and girlfriends and moms. 1009 00:38:27,432 --> 00:38:29,393 - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - Yeah. 1010 00:38:29,393 --> 00:38:30,853 Thirty seconds, the whole war would've been over. 1011 00:38:30,853 --> 00:38:32,229 'It's right fucking here!" 1012 00:38:32,229 --> 00:38:33,355 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1013 00:38:34,231 --> 00:38:35,315 [AUDIENCE CLAPPING] 1014 00:38:38,026 --> 00:38:39,361 "You didn't even look for it, did you?" 1015 00:38:39,361 --> 00:38:41,363 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1016 00:38:41,363 --> 00:38:42,906 "It's right where I told you it was." [LAUGHS] 1017 00:38:42,906 --> 00:38:45,242 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1018 00:38:45,242 --> 00:38:47,619 "All right. Welcome back, ladies. All right. Let's go, let's go." 1019 00:38:47,619 --> 00:38:49,329 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - That's good, man. 1020 00:38:49,329 --> 00:38:51,665 [CHUCKLES] You guys are crazy. 1021 00:38:51,665 --> 00:38:53,709 Oh, man. I don't know. 1022 00:38:53,709 --> 00:38:55,961 Let's see who we got. Uh, married people, are you guys out there? 1023 00:38:55,961 --> 00:38:57,796 Married people, make some... Who's married in the crowd tonight? 1024 00:38:57,796 --> 00:39:00,507 - [AUDIENCE CLAPPING] - Married people? Yeah? 1025 00:39:00,507 --> 00:39:02,718 That's good. Some of you sounded very sad. 1026 00:39:02,718 --> 00:39:04,178 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1027 00:39:04,178 --> 00:39:05,929 You're like, "Yeah, I'm clapping. She's right here." 1028 00:39:07,472 --> 00:39:08,932 I don't know, man. I'm married. 1029 00:39:08,932 --> 00:39:10,976 Like I said, we've been married a long time. 1030 00:39:10,976 --> 00:39:12,477 You know, who's been married a long time? 1031 00:39:12,477 --> 00:39:14,313 We got long time married people in here tonight? 1032 00:39:14,313 --> 00:39:16,356 Like, 40, 50 years. Anything like that? 1033 00:39:16,356 --> 00:39:18,692 Thirty? This is the weirdest fucking auction I've ever had. 1034 00:39:18,692 --> 00:39:19,860 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - This is crazy. 1035 00:39:19,860 --> 00:39:22,571 Fifty, 40, 30, 20... Sad! Sadness and pain. 1036 00:39:22,571 --> 00:39:23,655 Thirty years? 1037 00:39:23,655 --> 00:39:25,199 Twenty years? Anybody over 20? 1038 00:39:25,199 --> 00:39:26,325 - Twenty? - COUPLE: Twenty-eight. 1039 00:39:26,325 --> 00:39:28,035 Twenty-eight. That's not nothing. 1040 00:39:28,035 --> 00:39:29,578 Twenty-eight. Give it up for 28 years right here in the front row. 1041 00:39:29,578 --> 00:39:30,746 [AUDIENCE CLAPPING] 1042 00:39:33,582 --> 00:39:35,167 To each other? 1043 00:39:35,167 --> 00:39:37,211 - Okay. No. No. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1044 00:39:37,211 --> 00:39:39,254 No, no. You gotta ask that, you know, sometimes. 1045 00:39:39,254 --> 00:39:41,465 I've had weird shit in the front row of shows before. 1046 00:39:41,465 --> 00:39:43,634 It's like, "Hey, yeah, we're married. Well, accumulatively." 1047 00:39:43,634 --> 00:39:45,135 Like, "No, no. No, that doesn't count." 1048 00:39:45,135 --> 00:39:46,762 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1049 00:39:46,762 --> 00:39:48,180 Oh, that's great. But, no... 1050 00:39:48,180 --> 00:39:49,389 I'm gonna ask you a question, sir. 1051 00:39:49,389 --> 00:39:50,807 What's your name, sir? Can I ask that? 1052 00:39:50,807 --> 00:39:52,851 Dave? All right, Dave. I'm gonna ask you a question. 1053 00:39:52,851 --> 00:39:54,937 Ma'am, do not answer for him. Dave, do not look at her. 1054 00:39:56,396 --> 00:39:57,397 What is the secret to marriage? 1055 00:39:59,149 --> 00:40:00,609 Trust. All right, that's a good one. 1056 00:40:00,609 --> 00:40:02,319 You gotta get trust. I can deal with trust. 1057 00:40:02,319 --> 00:40:04,488 - [AUDIENCE CHEERING, CLAPPING] - Yeah, that's good. That's good. 1058 00:40:04,488 --> 00:40:06,156 Sometimes they get weird, he's like, "She's always right." 1059 00:40:06,156 --> 00:40:07,908 I'm like, "Bullshit. That's not true, you pussy." 1060 00:40:07,908 --> 00:40:10,202 But that's a good one. Trust is a good one. 1061 00:40:10,202 --> 00:40:12,329 Your eyes are getting very big. I don't know. 1062 00:40:12,329 --> 00:40:14,373 The rest of you can't see this. Dave's like... 1063 00:40:14,373 --> 00:40:15,457 "Fucking move on." 1064 00:40:15,457 --> 00:40:16,667 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1065 00:40:17,876 --> 00:40:19,878 "Move to the other part of the room." 1066 00:40:19,878 --> 00:40:21,129 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1067 00:40:21,129 --> 00:40:23,507 "Talk to these guys on the wall, please." 1068 00:40:23,507 --> 00:40:24,716 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1069 00:40:24,716 --> 00:40:26,677 That's... [LAUGHS] 1070 00:40:26,677 --> 00:40:29,137 That's a good ans... I get weird answers sometimes. I get very weird answers. 1071 00:40:29,137 --> 00:40:31,431 Uh, one dude said like, "Compromise." 1072 00:40:31,431 --> 00:40:34,226 I'm like, "What the hell?" Like, 'Oh, tonight I put it in your butt." 1073 00:40:34,226 --> 00:40:35,435 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1074 00:40:38,188 --> 00:40:41,483 My favorite answer I ever got. Uh... [LAUGHS] 1075 00:40:41,483 --> 00:40:43,485 This couple, front row, been married 49 years. 1076 00:40:43,485 --> 00:40:45,612 The dude looks at me, swear to God, he goes... 1077 00:40:45,612 --> 00:40:46,905 He goes, "We had a deal." 1078 00:40:47,656 --> 00:40:48,991 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1079 00:40:49,575 --> 00:40:50,534 Wait. 1080 00:40:52,077 --> 00:40:54,621 "That whoever left first, had to take the kids." 1081 00:40:54,621 --> 00:40:56,540 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 1082 00:40:58,625 --> 00:41:00,294 That's genius. That's genius. 1083 00:41:00,294 --> 00:41:02,963 That's next level shit right there. That's good. 1084 00:41:02,963 --> 00:41:05,674 That's awesome. I tell everybody, uh, it takes, uh, patience, 1085 00:41:05,674 --> 00:41:07,426 understanding and the ability to patch drywall. 1086 00:41:07,426 --> 00:41:09,928 - Those are really the top three. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1087 00:41:09,928 --> 00:41:11,763 I'm saying we throw shit, brother. That's what I'm saying. 1088 00:41:11,763 --> 00:41:13,724 Like, shit gets thrown in our house. 1089 00:41:13,724 --> 00:41:16,143 And everybody thinks it's me 'cause I'm the old army veteran, PTSD and stuff. 1090 00:41:16,143 --> 00:41:17,853 [LAUGHS] It's her. 1091 00:41:17,853 --> 00:41:19,563 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1092 00:41:19,563 --> 00:41:21,648 And that's weird, 'cause everybody knows, Europeans can't throw. 1093 00:41:21,648 --> 00:41:23,400 - Right? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1094 00:41:23,400 --> 00:41:25,694 No, it's true. Give 'em a soccer ball all day, no problem. 1095 00:41:25,694 --> 00:41:28,280 You give a German a baseball, it's the funniest shit you've ever seen in your life. 1096 00:41:28,280 --> 00:41:29,448 It's like... [GRUNTS] 1097 00:41:29,448 --> 00:41:31,408 - It's so... [LAUGHS] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1098 00:41:31,408 --> 00:41:33,952 Right? It's so good. It's the greatest thing ever. 1099 00:41:33,952 --> 00:41:36,163 That's why they lost the war. They couldn't throw a grenade. 1100 00:41:36,163 --> 00:41:38,624 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - So... No, it's great. 1101 00:41:38,624 --> 00:41:40,417 "Ahhh!" It's awesome. 1102 00:41:40,417 --> 00:41:41,877 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - [LAUGHS] 1103 00:41:43,670 --> 00:41:45,047 No, I tell everybody, "Marry a foreigner." 1104 00:41:45,047 --> 00:41:46,798 That's the secret. Uh, no it's great. 1105 00:41:46,798 --> 00:41:48,133 If it's not too late, pick one up. 1106 00:41:48,133 --> 00:41:50,802 - They're awesome. It's fun. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1107 00:41:50,802 --> 00:41:53,013 This is what I'll say. I think the problem between men and women 1108 00:41:53,013 --> 00:41:54,306 is that we speak different languages. 1109 00:41:54,306 --> 00:41:55,682 Can we agree on that, ladies? 1110 00:41:55,682 --> 00:41:56,892 Yeah? Yeah? 1111 00:41:56,892 --> 00:41:58,810 I do. I'll give you an example from my life. 1112 00:41:58,810 --> 00:42:00,854 Like last week, I was like, "Hey, babe. I think we should move this mirror 1113 00:42:00,854 --> 00:42:01,855 closer to the bed." 1114 00:42:04,691 --> 00:42:06,276 [MAN LAUGHING] 1115 00:42:06,276 --> 00:42:07,694 Every dude in here knows what I'm saying, right? Let's go. 1116 00:42:07,694 --> 00:42:08,862 "Let's spice shit up, right?" 1117 00:42:08,862 --> 00:42:10,906 That is not what she heard me say. 1118 00:42:10,906 --> 00:42:13,325 She heard me go, "We should spend ten grand to remodel this bedroom, huh?" 1119 00:42:13,325 --> 00:42:15,327 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - "Huh. Huh." 1120 00:42:15,327 --> 00:42:17,204 [AUDIENCE CLAPPING] 1121 00:42:17,204 --> 00:42:19,289 And the mirror's in the same goddamn place. 1122 00:42:19,289 --> 00:42:21,625 - This is bullshit. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 1123 00:42:25,212 --> 00:42:26,463 We are trying to spice shit up, though. 1124 00:42:26,463 --> 00:42:27,965 Starting bringing toys into the bedroom. 1125 00:42:27,965 --> 00:42:29,591 - Ladies, you into the sex toys, ladies? - WOMAN: Whoo! 1126 00:42:29,591 --> 00:42:31,593 Yeah, you should be. You should be. 1127 00:42:31,593 --> 00:42:33,136 No, you guys have amazing shit. 1128 00:42:33,136 --> 00:42:35,514 Like, right now, there's a team of engineers 1129 00:42:35,514 --> 00:42:38,267 locked away in a top secret mountain complex somewhere in the Midwest 1130 00:42:38,267 --> 00:42:39,768 inventing a new way for you to cum, ma'am. 1131 00:42:39,768 --> 00:42:40,978 And that's fucking awesome. 1132 00:42:40,978 --> 00:42:42,145 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1133 00:42:44,898 --> 00:42:47,234 What do we got, Dave? What's the best we have? 1134 00:42:47,234 --> 00:42:49,194 A fucking fleshlight. That's all we have. 1135 00:42:49,194 --> 00:42:51,029 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - That's it. 1136 00:42:51,029 --> 00:42:53,407 And that's bullshit. That's just a tube of foam. That's all that is. 1137 00:42:53,407 --> 00:42:55,492 Right? You're fucking a Muppet. That's what I'm trying to say. 1138 00:42:55,492 --> 00:42:56,535 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1139 00:42:57,744 --> 00:42:59,079 And it's not even a cool Muppet, either. 1140 00:42:59,079 --> 00:43:00,664 If it was red or blue, be Animal or Gonzo, 1141 00:43:00,664 --> 00:43:02,165 it would be dope, right? It'll be like, 1142 00:43:02,165 --> 00:43:03,375 [IN MUPPET VOICE]♪ It's time To face the music 1143 00:43:03,375 --> 00:43:05,669 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1144 00:43:05,669 --> 00:43:07,212 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Look me in the eye. 1145 00:43:07,212 --> 00:43:08,422 [IN MUPPET VOICE]♪ It's time To light the lights 1146 00:43:08,422 --> 00:43:11,008 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] - [HUMMING] 1147 00:43:12,301 --> 00:43:13,552 [MAN LAUGHING] 1148 00:43:16,638 --> 00:43:17,848 [IN NORMAL VOICE] 1149 00:43:17,848 --> 00:43:19,474 But it's not. It's not red or blue, right? 1150 00:43:19,474 --> 00:43:21,393 It's orange. You know. It's orange. 1151 00:43:21,393 --> 00:43:22,936 You're banging away all day at Beaker. 1152 00:43:22,936 --> 00:43:24,771 You're just like, "Mee-mee-mee, mee-mee-mee, mee-mee-mee." 1153 00:43:24,771 --> 00:43:25,731 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - "Mee-mee. 1154 00:43:29,276 --> 00:43:30,861 - Beep." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1155 00:43:34,281 --> 00:43:35,741 [AUDIENCE CLAPPING] 1156 00:43:37,784 --> 00:43:40,120 The top selling sex toy on the market for women right now. 1157 00:43:40,120 --> 00:43:41,580 You guys know what it is? Ladies? 1158 00:43:41,580 --> 00:43:43,040 Anybody? You can say it. 1159 00:43:43,040 --> 00:43:45,083 Say it. I asked you a question. You can talk, it's okay. 1160 00:43:45,083 --> 00:43:46,919 - MAN: Spark plug. - The what? 1161 00:43:46,919 --> 00:43:48,337 Okay, first of all, you're not a lady. 1162 00:43:48,337 --> 00:43:49,588 - Uh... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1163 00:43:51,673 --> 00:43:54,301 I don't wanna assume anything. But you're like... [GRUNTS] 1164 00:43:54,301 --> 00:43:56,220 I was like, "No, that's not... 1165 00:43:56,220 --> 00:43:58,514 That's not you, unless you're on a rugby team or something." 1166 00:43:58,514 --> 00:44:00,098 Listen, ladies. 1167 00:44:00,098 --> 00:44:01,892 The top selling sex toy on the market for women. 1168 00:44:01,892 --> 00:44:03,519 You know what it is, ladies? 1169 00:44:03,519 --> 00:44:05,187 The Rose? That's Walmart shit, ma'am. Spend the money, okay? 1170 00:44:05,187 --> 00:44:07,397 - No. No. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1171 00:44:07,397 --> 00:44:10,150 No, you only get one clitoris. It's worth more than $29.99. 1172 00:44:10,150 --> 00:44:12,110 You know what I mean? [LAUGHS] 1173 00:44:13,445 --> 00:44:14,780 [MAN LAUGHING] 1174 00:44:14,780 --> 00:44:17,950 [LAUGHS] It's not... It's not the Rose. 1175 00:44:17,950 --> 00:44:20,202 Any other? Not the Rose. Anybody? 1176 00:44:20,202 --> 00:44:23,664 The Rabbit? Okay. The Rabbit. That's in the '90s. But, okay. That's fine. 1177 00:44:23,664 --> 00:44:24,790 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - [LAUGHS] 1178 00:44:24,790 --> 00:44:26,291 No, that makes sense. That makes sense. 1179 00:44:26,291 --> 00:44:28,544 'Cause rabbits hide in brush. And in the '90s, ladies... 1180 00:44:28,544 --> 00:44:29,795 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1181 00:44:31,755 --> 00:44:33,966 I'm saying y'all had a lot of shit going on. That's all I'm saying. 1182 00:44:33,966 --> 00:44:34,967 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Right? 1183 00:44:35,884 --> 00:44:37,469 [LAUGHS] Not that. 1184 00:44:37,469 --> 00:44:39,555 The top selling sex toy on the market for women right now 1185 00:44:39,555 --> 00:44:40,681 is a thing called the Womanizer. 1186 00:44:40,681 --> 00:44:42,641 I don't know if you guys have heard of it. 1187 00:44:42,641 --> 00:44:45,602 If you've never seen it, it creates a miniature tornado right on your happy bun. 1188 00:44:45,602 --> 00:44:48,647 No. Those scientists found a way to harness the power of God. 1189 00:44:48,647 --> 00:44:50,899 - It's insane, right? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1190 00:44:50,899 --> 00:44:53,652 The power that used to be used to destroy a small town in Kansas, 1191 00:44:53,652 --> 00:44:56,488 just like, whoo! A twister. A twister. It's amazing. 1192 00:44:56,488 --> 00:44:58,407 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1193 00:44:58,407 --> 00:45:00,868 Meanwhile, this dude's going home and fucking an overpriced pool noodle. 1194 00:45:00,868 --> 00:45:02,160 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - It's bullshit. 1195 00:45:08,333 --> 00:45:09,877 You know, when I talk about that on stage, 1196 00:45:09,877 --> 00:45:12,337 sometimes I get really weird crowd interactions afterwards. 1197 00:45:12,337 --> 00:45:14,423 That's fun. Uh... 1198 00:45:14,423 --> 00:45:16,550 One lady comes up, she goes, "That Womanizer stuff, you're preaching the gospel." 1199 00:45:16,550 --> 00:45:18,677 I'm like, "Well, I think we went to different churches." 1200 00:45:18,677 --> 00:45:19,845 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1201 00:45:20,637 --> 00:45:21,680 "Ma'am." Right? 1202 00:45:23,807 --> 00:45:25,767 And sometimes... This dude comes up to me one time. 1203 00:45:25,767 --> 00:45:27,769 He goes, "There's better stuff for us out there right now." 1204 00:45:27,769 --> 00:45:30,397 And he shows me, he goes, "Look at this." And he showed me a thing on his phone. 1205 00:45:30,397 --> 00:45:34,526 It was this thing called the Autoblow AI 3000. 1206 00:45:34,526 --> 00:45:36,778 It was a blowjob simulator. 1207 00:45:37,154 --> 00:45:38,530 Right? 1208 00:45:38,530 --> 00:45:40,824 And so I was doing research. 1209 00:45:40,824 --> 00:45:43,118 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 1210 00:45:43,118 --> 00:45:44,745 - MAN: Whoo! Yeah. - Right? 1211 00:45:45,746 --> 00:45:47,122 For a joke. Whatever. 1212 00:45:48,207 --> 00:45:49,917 My wife caught me looking at it. 1213 00:45:49,917 --> 00:45:51,919 She goes, "What are you looking at? I'm like, "Nothing, nothing." 1214 00:45:51,919 --> 00:45:53,670 She goes, "Is that a blowjob simulator?" 1215 00:45:53,670 --> 00:45:55,923 I'm like, "Maybe." She's like, "You should get it." 1216 00:45:55,923 --> 00:45:57,341 "What? No. No." 1217 00:45:57,341 --> 00:45:58,467 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] - "No." 1218 00:46:03,263 --> 00:46:05,557 And it's like $400, right? 1219 00:46:05,557 --> 00:46:07,184 She goes, "Yeah. But it's like a buck a pop. 1220 00:46:07,184 --> 00:46:08,769 That'll pay for itself in a weekend with you." 1221 00:46:08,769 --> 00:46:09,853 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1222 00:46:12,189 --> 00:46:14,691 She's not wrong. She's not wrong, right? 1223 00:46:14,691 --> 00:46:16,902 'Cause I don't keep sweets in the house 'cause I have no discipline. 1224 00:46:16,902 --> 00:46:19,905 I'll walk by the cabinet, like, "I'll have one more cookie." Right? [LAUGHS] 1225 00:46:19,905 --> 00:46:21,698 If I had that in the house, there'd be some chafing. 1226 00:46:21,698 --> 00:46:23,575 - That's all I'm saying. You know what I mean? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1227 00:46:25,536 --> 00:46:26,870 It's crazy. 1228 00:46:26,870 --> 00:46:28,997 But, if I wrote a joke about it, tax write off. 1229 00:46:28,997 --> 00:46:30,624 - Let's go. It's fine. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 1230 00:46:31,750 --> 00:46:33,544 It's good. 1231 00:46:33,544 --> 00:46:36,004 "Sir, is this a $400 blowjob machine?" 1232 00:46:36,004 --> 00:46:37,089 "No, that is a joke." 1233 00:46:38,090 --> 00:46:39,174 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1234 00:46:39,967 --> 00:46:41,885 It's good. It's fine. 1235 00:46:41,885 --> 00:46:44,847 No. [LAUGHS] You guys are good, man. I'll tell you. 1236 00:46:44,847 --> 00:46:46,557 It is a weird time for me right now, I'm not gonna lie. 1237 00:46:46,557 --> 00:46:49,101 It's a weird time, uh, 'cause I feel like I'm getting older. 1238 00:46:49,101 --> 00:46:51,728 Uh, I'm turning 50 in a couple of months. 1239 00:46:51,728 --> 00:46:53,730 And that's weird to me. That's just... 1240 00:46:53,730 --> 00:46:55,566 It's a weird number. You know what I mean? It's weird. 1241 00:46:55,566 --> 00:46:57,734 And I know it's just a number and I don't feel old, 1242 00:46:57,734 --> 00:47:00,195 but I'm doing old people shit now. 1243 00:47:00,195 --> 00:47:02,322 Right. Like, this is a sentence I said this week. 1244 00:47:02,322 --> 00:47:03,699 I went, "Man, I hope this weather holds, 1245 00:47:03,699 --> 00:47:05,617 so I can plant this fucking grass seed." 1246 00:47:05,617 --> 00:47:07,286 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 1247 00:47:10,455 --> 00:47:12,749 That's an old person sentence. Old people say that. 1248 00:47:12,749 --> 00:47:14,376 That is an old person sentence, right? 1249 00:47:14,376 --> 00:47:15,794 I used to be cool. I'm like, "We're gonna drink, 1250 00:47:15,794 --> 00:47:17,754 we're gonna party all night. Go all night long." 1251 00:47:17,754 --> 00:47:20,257 And now I'm like, "Oh, I gotta get this Vescue in before the weather turns." 1252 00:47:20,257 --> 00:47:21,633 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 1253 00:47:23,969 --> 00:47:25,888 It's bull... [LAUGHS] 1254 00:47:25,888 --> 00:47:28,807 I got bird feeders now. I have fucking bird feeders at my house. 1255 00:47:28,807 --> 00:47:30,684 That's bullshit. I don't even like birds. 1256 00:47:30,684 --> 00:47:32,978 I used to be like, "Baby, let's get busy in the middle of the day" 1257 00:47:32,978 --> 00:47:35,564 Now I'm like, "Baby, look. There's a tufted titwillow in the backyard." 1258 00:47:35,564 --> 00:47:36,857 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1259 00:47:37,816 --> 00:47:39,902 [GRUNTS] 1260 00:47:39,902 --> 00:47:42,112 I got a hummingbird feeder now. A freaking hummingbird. 1261 00:47:42,112 --> 00:47:43,447 That's the gayest of birds. 1262 00:47:43,447 --> 00:47:44,740 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1263 00:47:45,866 --> 00:47:47,951 Right? They show up at 11:00, 1264 00:47:47,951 --> 00:47:49,578 they drink all day, the men look fabulous. 1265 00:47:49,578 --> 00:47:51,496 I'm hosting a drag brunch for birds! 1266 00:47:51,496 --> 00:47:53,123 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 1267 00:47:57,336 --> 00:47:59,129 "Get away from the windows, kids. They'll read to you." 1268 00:47:59,129 --> 00:48:00,756 - Jesus. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1269 00:48:02,966 --> 00:48:03,926 [LAUGHS] 1270 00:48:07,179 --> 00:48:09,473 Last week I went to Lowe's for no reason at all. 1271 00:48:09,473 --> 00:48:10,849 - There's no reason. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1272 00:48:10,849 --> 00:48:12,643 I have no projects going on at my house. 1273 00:48:12,643 --> 00:48:14,728 I was just, "Let's see what's happening down at the Lowe's." 1274 00:48:14,728 --> 00:48:16,438 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Right? 1275 00:48:16,438 --> 00:48:17,898 I grabbed a cart, then I got pissed 1276 00:48:17,898 --> 00:48:19,816 - 'cause none of the carts work, right? - WOMAN: Right. 1277 00:48:19,816 --> 00:48:21,443 The carts are going sideways. 1278 00:48:21,443 --> 00:48:22,778 One wheel's stuck, one wheel's not even touching the ground. 1279 00:48:22,778 --> 00:48:25,364 - It's just fucking spinning. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1280 00:48:25,364 --> 00:48:28,116 And I got mad and started yelling, like, "You're fucking Lowe's!" 1281 00:48:28,116 --> 00:48:29,743 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1282 00:48:29,743 --> 00:48:31,453 "You have all the tools!" 1283 00:48:31,453 --> 00:48:33,205 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 1284 00:48:36,291 --> 00:48:37,251 MAN: Yeah! 1285 00:48:40,212 --> 00:48:41,338 "Fix your shit." 1286 00:48:42,130 --> 00:48:43,590 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1287 00:48:44,883 --> 00:48:46,802 I'll tell you a secret. White women know this. 1288 00:48:46,802 --> 00:48:49,304 Man, IKEA, they have the best carts on the planet. Those carts are amazing. 1289 00:48:49,304 --> 00:48:52,057 They do. They go sideways, they go backwards, they go left, they go right. 1290 00:48:52,057 --> 00:48:53,600 They spin, they make zero noise. 1291 00:48:53,600 --> 00:48:55,894 And they have one Allen wrench in the whole goddamn store. 1292 00:48:55,894 --> 00:48:57,020 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1293 00:48:58,772 --> 00:49:00,691 That's witchcraft. That is witchcraft. 1294 00:49:00,691 --> 00:49:01,650 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1295 00:49:02,442 --> 00:49:04,278 It's bullshit. 1296 00:49:04,278 --> 00:49:05,863 Oh, man. There's this one thing, man. 1297 00:49:05,863 --> 00:49:07,614 This one thing my dad used to do. 1298 00:49:07,614 --> 00:49:09,575 He used to listen to a police scanner. 1299 00:49:09,575 --> 00:49:12,578 You know, that's old person stuff there. That's is old people shit. 1300 00:49:12,578 --> 00:49:14,121 And I told my wife, I was like, "If I ever do that, 1301 00:49:14,121 --> 00:49:15,706 I want you to put a bullet in my fucking head." 1302 00:49:15,706 --> 00:49:17,624 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Right? [LAUGHS] 1303 00:49:17,624 --> 00:49:20,586 But for the record, I do not have a police scanner. 1304 00:49:20,586 --> 00:49:22,546 I do have this app and it's cool as shit. It's so cool. 1305 00:49:22,546 --> 00:49:25,424 No, it's so cool. Because you can listen to cops anywhere in the country now. 1306 00:49:25,424 --> 00:49:27,384 It's amazing. Wherever shit's popping off, tune in. 1307 00:49:27,384 --> 00:49:29,094 It's so much fun, right? 1308 00:49:29,094 --> 00:49:30,762 But it's bad. 'Cause I've learned shit. 1309 00:49:30,762 --> 00:49:33,932 Like I know shit about cops in other places I should not know. 1310 00:49:33,932 --> 00:49:35,225 Right? Like I know in Indianapolis, 1311 00:49:35,225 --> 00:49:36,685 they just hired a dude with a speech impediment. 1312 00:49:36,685 --> 00:49:37,811 I shouldn't know that shit. 1313 00:49:37,811 --> 00:49:39,104 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1314 00:49:39,104 --> 00:49:40,939 Right? And I know they're dicks in Indianapolis 1315 00:49:40,939 --> 00:49:43,317 because the guy with the lisp, car 4667 1316 00:49:43,317 --> 00:49:45,861 - and it's the funnist shit you've ever heard in your life. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1317 00:49:48,739 --> 00:49:50,449 It's so great. He comes on, he's like, 1318 00:49:50,449 --> 00:49:52,701 [SPEAKING WITH A LISP] "This is car 4667, reporting for duty." 1319 00:49:52,701 --> 00:49:54,912 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - [IN NORMAL VOICE] I'm like, "Yes! 1320 00:49:54,912 --> 00:49:56,914 Baby, come listen. He's on tonight. It's great." 1321 00:49:56,914 --> 00:49:58,415 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 1322 00:49:58,415 --> 00:49:59,958 It's so much fun. 1323 00:49:59,958 --> 00:50:01,335 But they give him bullshit calls. 1324 00:50:01,335 --> 00:50:03,462 They do. They give him bullshit calls, like... 1325 00:50:03,462 --> 00:50:04,963 You know, they'll be like, "4667. 1326 00:50:04,963 --> 00:50:06,673 There's a 10-56 in progress." 1327 00:50:06,673 --> 00:50:08,467 He's like, [SPEAKING WITH A LISP] "Uh, roger. 10-56 in progress. 1328 00:50:08,467 --> 00:50:10,469 - Uh..." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1329 00:50:10,469 --> 00:50:12,304 "This is an intoxicated pedestrian." 1330 00:50:12,304 --> 00:50:15,390 [IN NORMAL VOICE] I'm like, "You guys are dicks. You're all dicks." 1331 00:50:15,390 --> 00:50:17,059 And it's a bullshit call for like two hours. 1332 00:50:17,059 --> 00:50:18,852 He looks around. Finally, he jumps on, he's like, 1333 00:50:18,852 --> 00:50:21,730 [SPEAKING WITH A LISP] Uh, I do not see any intoxicated pedestrians." 1334 00:50:21,730 --> 00:50:23,398 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1335 00:50:23,398 --> 00:50:25,234 [IN NORMAL VOICE] His buddies are dicks too. They're like, 1336 00:50:25,234 --> 00:50:27,277 [SPEAKING WITH A LISP] "4667. Do you need assistance." 1337 00:50:27,277 --> 00:50:29,905 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1338 00:50:29,905 --> 00:50:31,740 [IN NORMAL VOICE] You guys are dicks. You're all dicks. 1339 00:50:31,740 --> 00:50:33,534 [AUDIENCE CLAPPING] 1340 00:50:33,534 --> 00:50:34,785 This goes on for weeks. 1341 00:50:34,785 --> 00:50:36,245 Finally one night, the police chief jumps on. 1342 00:50:36,245 --> 00:50:37,955 Indianapoli One, that's his call sign. 1343 00:50:37,955 --> 00:50:39,873 He jumps on, he's like, "This is Indianapolis One. Listen up." 1344 00:50:39,873 --> 00:50:42,334 I'm like, "Good. He's gonna stop this shit." He's like, 1345 00:50:42,334 --> 00:50:44,920 - [SPEAKING WITH A LISP] "Stop messing with 4667." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1346 00:50:44,920 --> 00:50:47,464 [LAUGHS, IN NORMAL VOICE] Hey, guys. My name is Dewayne White. 1347 00:50:47,464 --> 00:50:49,174 - You guys have been an absolute blast. - [CHEERING] 1348 00:50:49,174 --> 00:50:51,426 - Thank you so much for coming out. - [AUDIENCE CLAPPING] 1349 00:50:51,426 --> 00:50:53,220 Thank you, guys. Love y'all so much. 1350 00:50:53,220 --> 00:50:54,763 Have a great night, y'all. 1351 00:50:54,763 --> 00:50:56,139 [AUDIENCE CHEERING, CLAPPING]