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I have the rare privilege of having begun life twice.
But do any of us really know where the journey of life will take us?
I know nothing in this no covered mantle valley.
They prepared me for the events that would follow.
My teachers life is all about order.
And I need a ritual to protect me from the chaos in my mind.
I think I would fall apart if I stopped.
I loved my pupils.
So much innocence and promise.
And liquid water heats up by the sun.
Evaporates, condenses to form clouds
falls back to Earth
as rain or snow.
Plants and forest soak up that liquid
in order to grow.
Okay?
I filled their minds with facts.
Basics of Maths and Grammar.
Chapters of Europe.
Not knowing what paths their lives will take.
Come on!
Maybe keeping the diary will bring freedom and peace.
Help me to sort things out.
I can't stand in no ways
puttering my mind.
Even in the quiet of this village, it finds me hiding
Like a turtle in its shell.
Why do I live alone when I can share my life with Laura?
Stuck like a hamster in its wheel
endlessly spinning gone now.
And the dark hour arrives that I dread.
Night follows the day.
It always does.
And the creatures of the night know where to find me.
They always do.
Are you okay? You've been acting so weird.
I'm fine.
Alex, what's up?
I don't know.
How about you and me having dinner tonight?
One second.
- Hello! - Hello
Is this a good time?
Yeah!
Okay.
For God's sake.
I'm sure Alex was really happy back then.
He enjoyed living in the country side having all that
nature and open space around him. Not like the city where he grew up.
He loved to go running along the lake through the woods as often as possible.
My God! Also, late at night
or early in the morning when no one else is around.
No, but, um.
Later,
that's when he began to change, last winter.
He seemed introverted.
Didn't talk much.
Just wanted to be left alone.
And he started having difficulty communicating with
people outside his daily routine.
People he thought he couldn't trust like
the parents of his pupils.
And that's the real problem
when your school teacher in a small village.
Sometimes a phone call can change your life.
Without you realizing it.
And when a lawyer is calling.
You know you are heading for trouble.
Well Mr. Dhanti.
Going to be perfectly honest with you. - Yeah!
Maybe you know the condition of your mother is deteriorating.
Over the past few months.
She will knows slightly never will be able to leave the hospital again.
Okay.
And as her lawyer
it is my duty to tell you all her savings have gone.
The bank closed the bank accounts.
As a sole descendant
you are obliged to take care
of her financial affairs.
Which means I also have to
keep her apartment.
That's exactly what I am trying to say.
And when you think
As soon as possible.
We have no choice.
That's the situation.
I'm come home.
It's all here.
Frozen in amber.
Quick for an older child waiting for my return.
We laughed in here, we cried
you and I
we, celebrated Christmas and every one of my birthdays.
Sang songs.
We danced with Joy.
You are never going to come home.
I was the one who needed to come home.
I feel like I am under water.
Swimming up stream like a sun
against the current
boating towards the sun.
Fighting so hard to reach the
place that I was born.
Strange.
So black and white my memory now.
No colour at all.
Say one.
Red colour of your dress.
Where did you go?
When I was looking for you in the middle of the night.
So many nights, leaving your child behind.
Soundtrack of the clicking clock haunting me.
Counting the remaining hours of the night.
I could've arranged to have this apartment cleaned up before I even got here.
All it takes is one phone call.
But now I am stalking my child to days like a torment bully.
Instead of getting rid of all the clutter and cardboard boxes.
Did you know I would return here eventually?
I can start with them covering the past.
Come here. Please!
Look here.
It's burning your mill.
You have no clue who I am.
Your empty gaze turn question marks multiple ways.
I'm so sorry for you, mom.
So many nights in bed alone without anyone to hold
I will hold you.
If you allow me.
Well we...
we never really talked about his mother or his childhood.
He didn't want to.
I did sense
there must have been issues in his early childhood.
As he couldn't articulate or maybe even remember.
Well, as far as I know
there wasn't one specific event that trigged his sudden anxiety.
But,
deep scares hidden in sub-conscious
eventually find their way out.
And that's exactly why makes me sad
Alex wasn't able to
analyse them or get them out of his system.
I thought I knew who I was.
But now I am floating between two worlds.
The human brain is full of mud.
Everything that falls into leaves an imprint.
Bad events leave deeper traces than good events.
Carrying more weight.
And as you grow older
that mould hardens.
The place is fast survives.
And it takes an earthquake
to shake the malice.
Laura thought my headache
stomach pains and sleepless nights were from a bad diet.
So, I added a daily photographic reference to my dairy.
Here they are...
The mental crap your system has to cope with
hands of sugar, salt
fats, chemicals and toxins.
No wonder I am never hungry.
Everything in my mouth
taste like clotted wax.
I need to build up my strength
to face my biggest challenge here.
To go where I dare not enter.
Your private sanctuary.
Player of your dreams.
They say you can't go home again.
Suppose you never left.
After all these years your perfumes still lingers on between these walls.
Like a faded veil.
Touching something deep inside me, I can't escape.
So much for your life in front of mirrors.
So much of vanity behind closed doors.
Always making yourself pretty.
You wanted to be an actress on a big stage.
And I was too young to realize I wasn't your only audience.
Even as a child, I knew you were gravitating towards
another world full of neon lights and obsessions.
Secret whispers and moans of pleasure.
Then you left me alone
until my dreams overwhelmed
my fears and the breaking dawn chased them away.
What energies come to mind?
Um.
Is there anything else?
Um.
How could I answer that question?
There was absolutely nothing to talk about.
I knew he was seeing a psychiatrist
and was on medication. Sleeping pills, anti
depressants and so on.
But...
I... I just couldn't reach him anymore.
He didn't talk to me.
I thought he had a problem with me, but...
What do you do if someone just doesn't talk to you anymore.
In my opinion no medication can penetrate to the root
of such severe mental illness.
He numbed his symptoms and
locked him into an even tighter mental cage.
My family album full of people I never met.
Ghost from another century.
Did you know that this was my magic castle?
My secret hide away.
And what about my little alter ego?
My only true friend and confident.
Who I try to imitate.
You?
I was distended for the future me.
Shame and guilt.
When you look at the physical romance of your life.
They seem trivial and useless.
Comes and brushes.
Putted smell of
perfume and alcohol woven into a filthy toothbrush.
Eyeliner.
Bottles and scented padded.
All that's left of you.
Did you know
first of all, my life
My life is so different.
In contrast to Alex.
For me, everything was always easy and effortless.
I love going to university
have a caring and loving family.
I enjoy being a teacher basically. Basically, I am happy.
And...
Guess that's exactly why I didn't recognize
the signs and wasn't aware of the seriousness of the situation and
wasn't prepared for what was coming.
Yes.
It's very painful to see him slide away
get pulled into that dark abyss of nightmares and
hallucinations
which he couldn't escape.
Can't shed my mind.
But I can shed my skin.
The butchers skin, the raba.
All I need is a clean cut.
Everything V-shaped by the blade.
Years of shame and guilt.
Self-neglect.
Uncertainty.
Shaved off.
Just like that.
It takes a surprisingly short time.
This engage from the past.
Maybe my true self
lies behind all boundaries
sex and gender.
Maybe it always has and I never really knew.
What?
Want to try this end.
Trading for what?
The gun.
1 millimeter fire star...
Got ammunition. - No...
Finally, you have to stop eating all that crap and become healthy again.
Healthy mind in a powerful body.
I have to keep my focus straight and switch all my senses
Full alert.
I could have been a father.
A daddy with a little girl.
Kind of like that.
Here.
Lucy!
Thank you!
Lucy!
Then again, maybe not.
How many truths you are hiding in the dark?
Why do I feel a great relief and slipping into my other self?
It's also a part of God's creation.
Or maybe God is nothing but a magician.
Dividing night from day, pain from joy.
Innocence from evil.
And what if that all no longer mattered.
And I'm God's lonely soul.
The naked Robert in the heart.
Now, you see me.
Now, you don't.
And every now and then
unexpected visitors creep into my new life.
Trying to divert my path.
Alex!
How could she ever understand?
Laura!
Pick up your trial, mama?
And my journey into the night has just begun.
Drink!
Bad.
All my darling!
Darling...
Hey!
Whoo-la-la.
What the fuck? What the hell!
Move. Move. - This is insane.
Fuck!
Stay out.
Hi!
Life begins and ends in bed.
And we are born and die alone.
Oh mama!
What were we ever
a solitary pair of moths.
Destined for secret flying.
Glass photo flickering in an empty church.
Carried me in your womb.
As I carry you in my heart.
I forgive you, Mama.
And I hope you can forgive me.
Hey!
You are alright, na?
Still remember this unnerving dream.
I was lying on the shores of a big lake
Alex was there with me, the sun was shining and that was
beautiful and warm.
Suddenly, he climbed on a rock
waved at me, smiled
and jumped into the water.
As soon as he disappeared under water
the water froze to solid ice.
I ran into the ice on panic. Barefoot.
And so I am down there in the dark.
Desperate trying to break the ice and get back up.
Then I am pressing my hands in the ice
trying to melt it with my hands.
Big dark eyes
starring at me from below.
Desperation still haunts me
to this day.
Alex! For God's sake.
Alex, why are you not answering my calls?
I was worried about you.
Please! I wanna a...
I'll be back tonight.
Isn't it, ironic?
The more we try to work against fate
the more destiny repeat it so.
From generation to generation.
But love conquers all, right?
That is at least what they say.
Why?
Why me?
Why?
God!
O God!
Uh.
Why me?
Please, why me?
O God!
Help!
Help me!
Please!
Help me!
O God!
A brand new car could not help me.
Not now.
I was too far abstrained.
Waiting for that deep dark pool of my beginnings.
As far back into your womb.
Was it said? - Got it.
Thanks!
You just saved my life.
I had the rare privilege of having
to begin life twice.
And I finally found peace.
It doesn't really matter who you are or used to be.
As long as you are true to yourself.
I turned my world upside down.
Only to find a more complete self to the other end.
That gave us the ability to love.
Forgive and change.
That's what makes us humans.
Nothing else matters.
Not in the end.