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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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[audience chattering]
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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- [raunchy rock music plays]
- [man 1] Ladies and gentlemen, Dusty Slay!
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[audience cheering enthusiastically]
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[man 2] Woo-hoo!
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All right.
8
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Okay. All right.
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Ha-ha! We're havin' a good time.
Y'know what I mean?
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- [audience cheering]
- Okay.
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[whistling]
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I'm pumped to be here, Chattanooga.
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[audience cheering and applauding]
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[clears throat] It's a hot show,
y'know what I mean?
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Already been a hot show.
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Uh, feels like
it's gonna keep being a hot show.
17
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- [audience chuckles]
- I feel good. I slept good.
18
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- [man 3] Whoo!
- And that feels good.
19
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I don't always sleep good,
but I did sleep good last night.
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I had a dream that I was watching
a Larry Bird documentary.
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[audience laughs]
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I've never seen a Larry Bird documentary.
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[audience laughs]
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That means my mind created
a Larry Bird documentary
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for me to watch in my sleep.
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That's incredible, I think.
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[audience chuckles]
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[chuckles] That is incredible.
29
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Pretty low-budget documentary though.
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[audience laughs]
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Wasn't even really Larry Bird
in the documentary.
32
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That means my subconscious
couldn't work up the budget
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to get Larry Bird
in my own dream documentary.
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[audience chuckles]
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[chuckles] Y'know what I mean? Okay.
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- [audience laughs]
- [man 4] Whoo!
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We're havin' a good time.
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[audience whooping]
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Thank you.
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[scattered applause]
41
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I had a dream one time that I was
about to get trapped in an elevator.
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And that's a big fear of mine, y'know?
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Not 'cause I'm claustrophobic
but because I pee a lot.
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[audience laughs]
45
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I got a real pee problem.
I'm not trying to be gross about it.
46
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But I got a real overactive bladder,
y'know?
47
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I got the kinda bladder that's like,
"Oh, you tryin' to do somethin'?"
48
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- "Why don't you go pee first though?"
- [audience laughs]
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Like, I never been in a Home Depot
and found what I needed
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before I had to pee.
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[audience laughs]
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I'm just tryin' to get a couple of screws.
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Next thing you know,
I'm in the back corner of a Home Depot...
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[laughter continues]
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...in between some carpet rolls.
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[audience laughing]
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I don't know if I'm in the bathroom
or the break room.
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I don't know what's goin' on back there.
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I don't know what people eat,
that shop at Home Depot,
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but they are destroying that bathroom.
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[audience laughs]
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- [scattered applause]
- I never seen anythin' like it.
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I'm just in there to pee,
and my eyes are waterin'.
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[audience laughs]
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[chuckling]
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[man 4] Whoo!
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[chuckles] Hope I don't pass out in here,
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'cause... I'll keep breathin' that in.
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[audience laughs]
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But I do pee a lot though.
And I'm in a lotta elevators.
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I'm in elevators all the time.
I'm always in a hotel.
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And I get to the hotel...
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I get off the plane, get in the car,
get to the hotel, gotta pee real bad,
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and I'm like, "Nah, I can make it
to the room. I can make it."
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I'm in the elevator, pushin' the button,
y'know what I mean?
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Like, "Let's go! Let's go!"
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And I always think,
"If this elevator breaks down..."
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I'm always like, "How long would it take
before I peed in this elevator?"
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[audience laughs]
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And I think it would happen right away.
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[audience laughs]
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I don't think I'd waste any time.
I think I'd feel it shut down,
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and then they go,
"Oh, sorry, the elevator's broke."
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And I would just let loose in there.
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[audience laughs]
86
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And then they go, "Oh, sorry,
minor glitch. We're up and runnin'."
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[audience laughs]
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[chuckles] I'm like,
"Well, I'm sorry that happened..."
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[audience laughs]
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"...but I'm not ruinin' my bladder 'cause
your elevator's glitchin' out in here."
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"I didn't know how long
we was gonna be in here, y'know?"
92
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"I didn't wanna be uncomfortable
in front of all these other people."
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[realization laughter]
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[chuckles] Y'know what I mean? Okay!
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- [audience cheers]
- Thank you. Okay.
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- [man 5 whoops]
- [whistling]
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You ever in an elevator,
and you look up in the top right corner,
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and you see the name brand
of the elevator in there?
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- Who's that for?
- [audience chuckles]
100
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You ever been in an elevator
and been like,
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"Dang, this is a pretty good elevator."
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[audience laughs]
103
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"What brand is this?"
104
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"I'm gonna start recommendin' this
to other hotels I stay at."
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"You guys gotta get on
that Otis elevator."
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[audience laughs]
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- Okay, a couple of Otis fans.
- [scattered whooping]
108
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No, it's a good elevator.
It is a good elevator.
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[scattered chuckling]
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I've always lived in the South.
I like being in the South.
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- Uh, I think it's the best.
- [audience cheers]
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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
113
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I really love...
I like the weather. I love the heat.
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I'm a big fan of the heat, y'know?
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Sometimes I'll go out to,
like, Phoenix, y'know,
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and it'll be a lot hotter
than what I'm used to.
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And I'll complain about it a little bit.
118
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And, uh, they always say
the same thing to me.
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You know what they say.
They go, "Yeah, but it's a dry heat."
120
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[audience laughs]
121
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That's what they say. "It's a dry heat."
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They say it like their heat
is better than my heat.
123
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[audience laughs]
124
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I get defensive about it.
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I'm like, "Oh, it's a dry heat, huh?"
126
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"Well, I like a wet heat."
127
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[audience laughs]
128
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"Yeah, that's the kind of heat I like.
I like a wet heat."
129
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"I like it to feel like a sauna outside."
130
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"I like to sweat in places
I didn't even know I could sweat in."
131
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I like to go, "Why is that wet?"
132
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[audience laughs]
133
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[chuckles]
134
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Know what I mean?
"I like... I like a wet heat, y'know?"
135
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"I like a heat with a lot
of flying insects and mosquitoes..."
136
00:05:40,423 --> 00:05:42,090
- [audience laughs]
- "...and gnats."
137
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"I like to stand in a hot parking lot
of a Shoney's doin' like that."
138
00:05:45,803 --> 00:05:48,931
- [audience laughs]
- [scattered clapping]
139
00:05:50,892 --> 00:05:52,726
"I like to go in the backyard
for two minutes
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and come back in and go,
'I just got tore up out there.'"
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[audience laughs]
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[chuckles] Know what I mean?
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- [audience cheers]
- Know what I mean?
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[cheering and applause]
145
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That's right.
146
00:06:05,239 --> 00:06:06,990
"You can't get that in a dry heat."
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00:06:06,991 --> 00:06:08,700
[audience laughs]
148
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[chuckles]
149
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I went out to Iowa not too long ago.
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- Thank you. And, uh...
- [audience chuckles]
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Yep, I get around a bit.
152
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And, uh, had a lot of fun out there.
153
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This lady came up to me after the show.
She goes, "Hey, great show."
154
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I was like, "Thanks. I appreciate that."
155
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And then she goes,
"Have you ever milked a cow?"
156
00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:29,304
- [scattered laughter]
- Mm. And I said, "No."
157
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And, uh, she goes, "Do you want to?"
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[audience laughs]
159
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And I said, "No." Y'know?
160
00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:36,646
[audience laughs]
161
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[chuckles] Not lookin' to do
a lot of chores after my show.
162
00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:42,402
[audience laughs]
163
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:44,529
[chuckles]
164
00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:46,738
I just kinda wanna relax, y'know?
165
00:06:46,739 --> 00:06:53,787
Not tryin' to go back to this lady's farm
and shear the sheep and shoe the horses.
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[chuckles]
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Then she was like,
"'Cause my husband's getting wild tonight,
168
00:06:58,209 --> 00:07:00,837
and I need somebody
to help me milk the cows."
169
00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:04,881
And at that point, I wasn't even sure
we were still talkin' about cows.
170
00:07:04,882 --> 00:07:06,968
[audience laughs]
171
00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:12,556
I was like, "But if that's a pickup line,
I'm not into it."
172
00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:14,517
[audience laughs]
173
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I don't even know what that could be
and be something that I'm into, y'know?
174
00:07:21,566 --> 00:07:23,776
I don't even like milk that much.
175
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Like, I like milk.
176
00:07:25,361 --> 00:07:27,822
I had a little bit of milk today, y'know?
177
00:07:28,322 --> 00:07:31,616
But I don't like it enough
to be into milk.
178
00:07:31,617 --> 00:07:32,826
[audience laughs]
179
00:07:32,827 --> 00:07:36,080
I'm not like, "Ooh, milk, huh?"
180
00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:39,207
"You say you had milk?"
181
00:07:39,208 --> 00:07:40,292
[audience laughs]
182
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:41,793
[chuckles] "Well, okay."
183
00:07:41,794 --> 00:07:43,171
[scattered chuckling]
184
00:07:43,921 --> 00:07:47,174
Milk's weird anyway though. I do like it.
But you ever think about milk?
185
00:07:47,175 --> 00:07:50,427
It's, like, outside right now
in an animal somewhere.
186
00:07:50,428 --> 00:07:51,679
[audience laughs]
187
00:07:52,346 --> 00:07:55,682
And we go out there, and we're like,
"Yeah! Gimme that milk!"
188
00:07:55,683 --> 00:07:57,017
[audience laughs]
189
00:07:57,018 --> 00:07:58,144
[chuckles]
190
00:07:58,686 --> 00:08:01,731
The baby calf's in the corner all hungry.
191
00:08:02,273 --> 00:08:04,649
We're like, "Nah, this is my milk now."
192
00:08:04,650 --> 00:08:05,902
[audience laughs]
193
00:08:06,569 --> 00:08:10,031
[chuckles] "I got a whole
five-gallon bucket here."
194
00:08:11,407 --> 00:08:13,658
"'Bout to take this back to my family."
195
00:08:13,659 --> 00:08:14,951
[audience laughs]
196
00:08:14,952 --> 00:08:18,664
"About to have a lot of milk mustaches
back at our place."
197
00:08:19,248 --> 00:08:20,541
[chuckles]
198
00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:25,128
I wanna know how we settled
on cow's milk, y'know?
199
00:08:25,129 --> 00:08:27,881
You gotta think, at one point,
we weren't drinking animal's milk.
200
00:08:27,882 --> 00:08:31,009
Then we're like, "Y'know what?
We're gonna start drinking animal's milk."
201
00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:33,970
But we had to find out
which ones were good, y'know?
202
00:08:33,971 --> 00:08:34,930
How did we do it?
203
00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:38,100
I like to think it was one guy
milkin' every animal
204
00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:40,603
for, like, ten years, y'know?
205
00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:44,898
After, like, a decade, he's like,
"It's cows, man. It's cows."
206
00:08:44,899 --> 00:08:47,567
- [audience laughs]
- "I am so sick."
207
00:08:47,568 --> 00:08:50,488
- [audience laughs]
- [scattered clapping]
208
00:08:51,656 --> 00:08:53,073
[chuckles]
209
00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:55,575
"I drank a lot of weird milks
over the years."
210
00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:56,911
[audience laughs]
211
00:08:57,954 --> 00:09:02,708
He's like, "The goats are okay
but mainly wanna stick to the cows."
212
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:05,961
"We really wanna stay away
from that dog's milk."
213
00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:07,546
[audience laughs]
214
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,130
[chuckles] Y'know what I mean?
215
00:09:09,131 --> 00:09:11,466
You imagine milkin' a dog, y'know?
216
00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:12,592
[audience laughs]
217
00:09:12,593 --> 00:09:15,554
It's good enough
to get a little coffee creamer out of it.
218
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,138
[laughter continues]
219
00:09:17,139 --> 00:09:19,474
[chuckles] Yer gettin' bit the whole time.
220
00:09:19,475 --> 00:09:20,559
[audience laughs]
221
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:22,853
You're like, "Get outta here! Get! It's..."
222
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:26,106
"Tryin' to not drink
a black coffee again."
223
00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:27,816
[laughter subsides]
224
00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:30,736
- [Dusty chuckling]
- [scattered laughter]
225
00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:34,656
I went with a friend to a coffee shop.
He ordered a latte.
226
00:09:34,657 --> 00:09:37,450
They were like, "What kind of milk?"
He goes, "Chocolate."
227
00:09:37,451 --> 00:09:39,452
- And...
- [audience laughs]
228
00:09:39,453 --> 00:09:41,496
I don't drink a lotta lattes,
so I don't know,
229
00:09:41,497 --> 00:09:43,582
but that don't sound right to me.
230
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:44,791
[laughter continues]
231
00:09:44,792 --> 00:09:47,545
Don't feel like that was the question
they were askin'.
232
00:09:49,463 --> 00:09:50,505
[chuckles]
233
00:09:50,506 --> 00:09:51,924
[scattered laughter]
234
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:56,469
I also wanna know how we decided
to start drinkin' animal's milk. I...
235
00:09:56,470 --> 00:09:58,930
D'you think they just saw a baby calf
drinkin' out of a cow,
236
00:09:58,931 --> 00:10:00,849
and they were like,
"That looks pretty good"?
237
00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:01,766
[laughter]
238
00:10:01,767 --> 00:10:04,519
"Think I'd like to try
to get in on that, y'know?"
239
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:07,564
"Hope I can get it with my hand though."
Y'know what I mean?
240
00:10:07,565 --> 00:10:08,773
- [chuckles]
- [laughter]
241
00:10:08,774 --> 00:10:10,025
You love it?
242
00:10:10,026 --> 00:10:11,901
Okay, we're havin' a good time.
243
00:10:11,902 --> 00:10:14,404
- Thank you.
- [audience cheers]
244
00:10:14,405 --> 00:10:17,408
[applause and whooping]
245
00:10:18,242 --> 00:10:20,452
I like a lotta milk jokes in my show.
246
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:21,829
[audience laughs]
247
00:10:22,538 --> 00:10:24,915
I'm a real milk-joke comic now.
248
00:10:25,833 --> 00:10:28,835
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
249
00:10:28,836 --> 00:10:31,421
- Okay. I, um...
- [scattered laughter]
250
00:10:31,422 --> 00:10:33,965
I like country music.
I'm a big country music fan.
251
00:10:33,966 --> 00:10:36,301
- [audience cheering]
- Thank you. Thank you.
252
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:38,553
Country music's the best. It is the best.
253
00:10:38,554 --> 00:10:40,639
I like a lotta workin'-man country songs,
y'know?
254
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,891
Like, Merle Haggard
probably has the most famous.
255
00:10:42,892 --> 00:10:44,351
He has "Workin' Man Blues."
256
00:10:44,352 --> 00:10:45,769
- [whoops]
- Really great song.
257
00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:48,813
Yeah, really good. And then, uh,
another favorite of mine, in the '90s,
258
00:10:48,814 --> 00:10:51,566
there was a song by Brooks & Dunn
called "Hard Workin' Man."
259
00:10:51,567 --> 00:10:54,361
- [scattered whoops]
- Big fan o' that. "Hard Workin' Man."
260
00:10:54,362 --> 00:10:56,655
And, uh, I don't know
if you've heard that one before,
261
00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:59,867
but, uh, I'd like to tell you about it.
I'd like to talk to you about it.
262
00:11:00,576 --> 00:11:04,163
So best that you haven't heard it.
That way we can... It'll be fresh to you.
263
00:11:04,914 --> 00:11:06,039
But the song, uh...
264
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,291
The first verse of the song
is a bit like a job interview
265
00:11:08,292 --> 00:11:09,793
or a résumé, y'know?
266
00:11:09,794 --> 00:11:14,631
He's just kinda lettin' y'know who he is
and how he likes to do things, y'know?
267
00:11:14,632 --> 00:11:16,299
He starts the song off, he says,
268
00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:18,093
"I'm a hard-workin' man," y'know?
269
00:11:18,094 --> 00:11:20,679
- Just put-- lays it out there for ya.
- [audience chuckles]
270
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:23,849
Lets y'know who he is,
how he likes to work, y'know?
271
00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:26,476
But he's singing though too.
272
00:11:26,477 --> 00:11:28,770
He's like, "I'm a hardworkin' man."
273
00:11:28,771 --> 00:11:31,815
Which is not a bad impression
if you've never heard Brooks & Dunn.
274
00:11:31,816 --> 00:11:33,901
- [audience laughs]
- [man whoops]
275
00:11:34,902 --> 00:11:37,279
"I'm a hardworkin' man," y'know?
276
00:11:37,905 --> 00:11:40,448
He just wants you to know
how he's gonna do it when he clocks in.
277
00:11:40,449 --> 00:11:41,909
[audience laughs]
278
00:11:43,035 --> 00:11:45,412
And then he says,
"I wear a steel hard hat."
279
00:11:45,413 --> 00:11:47,957
He wants you to know
he takes safety very serious.
280
00:11:48,624 --> 00:11:50,583
Wears a hard hat.
Doesn't mess around with plastic.
281
00:11:50,584 --> 00:11:52,336
It's steel for this guy.
282
00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:55,423
[chuckles] Loves his hat.
Wears it all the time.
283
00:11:55,923 --> 00:11:59,218
Then he says,
"I can ride, rope, hammer, and paint."
284
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:02,846
Four things that
you don't really need a hard hat for.
285
00:12:02,847 --> 00:12:04,932
[audience laughs]
286
00:12:06,517 --> 00:12:08,893
[chuckles] His coworkers are like,
287
00:12:08,894 --> 00:12:11,688
"I don't know
why you're wearin' that hat again."
288
00:12:11,689 --> 00:12:13,023
[laughter continues]
289
00:12:15,192 --> 00:12:17,737
"We're ropin' cattle today, buddy."
290
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:20,697
"There's nothin' to fall on you out here."
291
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:21,656
[laughter]
292
00:12:21,657 --> 00:12:24,492
"You wanna wear a helmet,
wear a helmet, y'know?"
293
00:12:24,493 --> 00:12:27,163
"But that hard hat's
not gonna help you out here."
294
00:12:27,663 --> 00:12:29,581
But he says, "I can hammer and paint."
295
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:32,209
"Do things with my hands
that most men can't."
296
00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:36,171
I'm like, "I don't know.
I think we can all hammer and paint."
297
00:12:36,172 --> 00:12:37,423
[audience laughs]
298
00:12:38,090 --> 00:12:40,341
Like, some people do it
better than others, obviously,
299
00:12:40,342 --> 00:12:42,803
but I think we can all do it.
300
00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:46,556
Like, I don't know how good of a hammerer
Bob Ross is, y'know,
301
00:12:46,557 --> 00:12:49,684
but, um, pretty good painter, I'd say.
302
00:12:49,685 --> 00:12:50,894
[scattered laughter]
303
00:12:50,895 --> 00:12:54,023
I bet he's hung a painting or two
on the wall, y'know?
304
00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:56,442
A little tack hammer. Tut-tut.
305
00:12:57,109 --> 00:12:59,068
- Tut-tut.
- [laughter continues]
306
00:12:59,069 --> 00:13:00,153
Tut-tut.
307
00:13:00,154 --> 00:13:01,363
[audience chuckling]
308
00:13:02,072 --> 00:13:04,574
You would think a guy like this,
with this kinda work ethic,
309
00:13:04,575 --> 00:13:08,119
uh, this kinda work attire,
this list of skills,
310
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:12,123
you'd think he'd be doing pretty well
financially, but he goes on to say,
311
00:13:12,124 --> 00:13:14,793
"I can't get ahead,
no matter how hard I try."
312
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:17,505
"I'm gettin' really good
at barely gettin' by."
313
00:13:18,005 --> 00:13:19,881
And you're like, "Oh, dang," y'know?
314
00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:21,425
[audience laughs]
315
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:25,011
The song really takes an emotional turn...
316
00:13:25,012 --> 00:13:26,763
[audience laughs]
317
00:13:26,764 --> 00:13:29,516
[chuckles] ...that you might not
be ready for, you know?
318
00:13:29,517 --> 00:13:31,726
But it makes you kinda wanna
keep listenin' to the song,
319
00:13:31,727 --> 00:13:35,104
just kinda figure out what's goin' on
with this guy's finances, you know?
320
00:13:35,105 --> 00:13:36,689
[audience laughs]
321
00:13:36,690 --> 00:13:38,943
Like, does he figure it out?
322
00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:41,319
Where's the money goin'?
323
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:42,487
[audience laughs]
324
00:13:42,488 --> 00:13:44,865
These are the kinda questions I have,
you know?
325
00:13:45,366 --> 00:13:47,909
So you get to the second verse,
and the second verse, he says,
326
00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:51,080
"Come Friday night, I like to party hard."
327
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:54,290
You're like, "Ah, I'm startin' to see
where this is goin' here."
328
00:13:54,291 --> 00:13:55,291
[audience laughs]
329
00:13:55,292 --> 00:13:58,128
"Startin' to unravel
a bit of the mystery here."
330
00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:00,172
"Work hard to play hard."
331
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:03,883
He said, "I like to carry on
with the Cadillac cuties."
332
00:14:03,884 --> 00:14:05,927
He never really says what that is,
but I think...
333
00:14:05,928 --> 00:14:07,720
I think we could put it together, y'know?
334
00:14:07,721 --> 00:14:08,638
[audience laughs]
335
00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:10,640
"I like to carry on
with the Cadillac cuties,
336
00:14:10,641 --> 00:14:14,186
spend my whole week's pay
on some weekend beauty."
337
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:17,522
I'm like, "Okay.
Well, there's your problem right there."
338
00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:20,650
[audience laughs and cheers]
339
00:14:20,651 --> 00:14:23,820
[chuckles] "I think we can close
this investigation here."
340
00:14:23,821 --> 00:14:26,489
- [audience laughs]
- [scattered applause]
341
00:14:26,490 --> 00:14:28,825
"Tell Columbo to head on back
to the house."
342
00:14:28,826 --> 00:14:30,159
[audience laughs]
343
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:32,288
"We've solved the crime here."
344
00:14:32,997 --> 00:14:36,292
I'd like to see this guy meet
with a financial advisor, y'know?
345
00:14:36,917 --> 00:14:40,713
[chuckles] He's like,
"I just can't seem to put any money away."
346
00:14:41,630 --> 00:14:43,716
He's like, "I'm a hardworkin' man."
347
00:14:44,216 --> 00:14:45,675
"I wear a steel hard hat."
348
00:14:45,676 --> 00:14:48,177
"I can ride, rope, hammer, and paint,
349
00:14:48,178 --> 00:14:50,805
but I can't seem to put any money away."
350
00:14:50,806 --> 00:14:52,223
Financial advisor's like,
351
00:14:52,224 --> 00:14:55,102
"I don't know. Let's dig in.
Let's see what we can find."
352
00:14:55,644 --> 00:14:57,812
Pulls up the report,
gets to, like, page one.
353
00:14:57,813 --> 00:14:59,772
He's like, "Oh, found it right here!"
354
00:14:59,773 --> 00:15:01,190
[audience laughs]
355
00:15:01,191 --> 00:15:03,444
"A lot faster than I expected."
356
00:15:04,403 --> 00:15:08,406
"It seems here, you're spending
everything you make, in one night..."
357
00:15:08,407 --> 00:15:09,824
[laughter continues]
358
00:15:09,825 --> 00:15:12,035
"...on some sort of a prostitute."
359
00:15:12,036 --> 00:15:15,247
- [audience laughs]
- [scattered applause]
360
00:15:17,124 --> 00:15:19,959
[chuckles] "I don't know if that's what
a 'weekend beauty' is, y'know,
361
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:23,589
but... might I suggest a cheaper option,
y'know, maybe...
362
00:15:24,089 --> 00:15:25,757
maybe a week-day beauty."
363
00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:27,217
[audience laughs]
364
00:15:28,177 --> 00:15:32,221
[chuckles] "Get yourself a Tuesday beauty,
save a little money around here."
365
00:15:32,222 --> 00:15:35,267
- [woman whoops]
- "Know what I mean? Okay, okay."
366
00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:38,270
That's fun though.
Country music's the best.
367
00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:39,855
Gosh, it's the best.
368
00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:42,190
I've always said that a good country song
369
00:15:42,191 --> 00:15:44,692
can have you reminiscing
about times you never had.
370
00:15:44,693 --> 00:15:45,860
[man whoops]
371
00:15:45,861 --> 00:15:48,404
Like, I never went to the lake
growin' up, y'know?
372
00:15:48,405 --> 00:15:50,490
My family wasn't, like, a "lake" family.
373
00:15:50,491 --> 00:15:53,743
But I hear a country song about the lake,
I'm like, "Yeah, I remember that."
374
00:15:53,744 --> 00:15:55,245
[audience laughs]
375
00:15:57,706 --> 00:15:59,749
[chuckles] "Dang, that was a good time."
376
00:15:59,750 --> 00:16:00,917
[audience laughs]
377
00:16:00,918 --> 00:16:05,714
"Me and Kid Rock, down by the docks...
in the summertime. You know what I mean?"
378
00:16:07,049 --> 00:16:09,717
Joe Diffie has a song like that.
A song called "Home."
379
00:16:09,718 --> 00:16:12,303
And whenever-- And Joe Diffie's singin'
about his childhood home.
380
00:16:12,304 --> 00:16:15,139
And when I listen to it, it makes me think
about my childhood home,
381
00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:17,517
even though mine was nothing like his.
382
00:16:17,518 --> 00:16:19,477
It's just that good of a song.
383
00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:22,230
He's like, "Home was an easy chair,
with my daddy there."
384
00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:24,399
And I'm like,
"Well, my parents were divorced."
385
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:26,192
[audience laughs]
386
00:16:26,193 --> 00:16:28,695
My dad mighta had an easy chair,
but it wasn't at our house.
387
00:16:28,696 --> 00:16:32,782
- Y'know what I mean? [chuckling]
- [audience laughing]
388
00:16:32,783 --> 00:16:34,993
It was at his house,
with his other family.
389
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,577
[audience laughs]
390
00:16:36,578 --> 00:16:38,872
- [chuckles] Hi!
- [scattered laughter]
391
00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:41,874
"Home was a back-porch swing,
where I would sit,
392
00:16:41,875 --> 00:16:43,626
and Mom would sing 'Amazing Grace.'"
393
00:16:43,627 --> 00:16:44,712
I'm like, "Well,
394
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:49,632
I... I grew up in a trailer,
and we didn't really have a back porch."
395
00:16:49,633 --> 00:16:52,468
"You know? We didn't really have a back."
396
00:16:52,469 --> 00:16:56,515
- "Just... two long sides."
- [audience laughing]
397
00:16:59,476 --> 00:17:01,478
"Real narrow front."
398
00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:04,064
"Real narrow back."
399
00:17:04,565 --> 00:17:07,108
"Not really room for a porch
back there, you know?"
400
00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:09,610
- "We had more of a side porch."
- [scattered laughter]
401
00:17:09,611 --> 00:17:12,321
- "Or a side deck."
- [laughter subsides]
402
00:17:12,322 --> 00:17:15,283
Yeah, a lot of these jokes end
long before I stop talkin'.
403
00:17:15,284 --> 00:17:16,660
[audience laughs]
404
00:17:17,494 --> 00:17:19,078
[chuckles] You know what I mean?
405
00:17:19,079 --> 00:17:22,373
Okay, now we were havin' a good time
there for a while on that joke there.
406
00:17:22,374 --> 00:17:24,126
- [audience cheers]
- Yeah. Okay.
407
00:17:25,294 --> 00:17:27,253
- [applause]
- [cheering subsides]
408
00:17:27,254 --> 00:17:30,298
Yeah, we're havin' a good time.
We're havin' a good time.
409
00:17:30,299 --> 00:17:32,258
- This is a hot show.
- [audience chuckles]
410
00:17:32,259 --> 00:17:34,635
I hear people say this a lot.
Maybe you hear this too.
411
00:17:34,636 --> 00:17:37,180
People say they're socially awkward.
Ever hear people say that?
412
00:17:37,181 --> 00:17:38,890
They go, "Oh, I'm socially awkward."
413
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:40,516
Y'know what we used to call that?
414
00:17:40,517 --> 00:17:41,517
Awkward.
415
00:17:41,518 --> 00:17:42,853
[audience laughs]
416
00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:46,523
'Cause that's when you're awkward,
when you're out being social with people.
417
00:17:47,024 --> 00:17:49,568
There's no need to really say
the "socially" thing.
418
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:53,237
And it's okay
to be socially awkward, y'know?
419
00:17:53,238 --> 00:17:55,948
What you gotta worry about
is that alone awkwardness.
420
00:17:55,949 --> 00:17:57,409
[audience laughs]
421
00:17:59,203 --> 00:18:02,789
[chuckles] You're sitting around
by yourself with sweaty palms...
422
00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:04,291
[audience laughs]
423
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:09,045
...havin' trouble making eye contact
with the mirror, y'know?
424
00:18:09,046 --> 00:18:10,088
[man laughs]
425
00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:12,256
Say something out loud to yourself,
and you're like,
426
00:18:12,257 --> 00:18:14,592
"Ah, I wish I had not said that."
427
00:18:14,593 --> 00:18:16,345
[audience laughs]
428
00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:22,559
That's when you got some real issues.
429
00:18:23,060 --> 00:18:26,604
I think we're all saying stuff out loud
to people that we wish we didn't say.
430
00:18:26,605 --> 00:18:28,648
I know I do. I small-talk a lot.
431
00:18:28,649 --> 00:18:31,734
And, uh, a lot of times
I run out of stuff to say, y'know?
432
00:18:31,735 --> 00:18:34,404
- But that doesn't keep me from talkin'.
- [audience laughs]
433
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:37,282
I just stop makin' sense, y'know?
434
00:18:38,075 --> 00:18:41,035
I was in a grocery store the other day,
bought a couple of jugs of water,
435
00:18:41,036 --> 00:18:42,245
took 'em up to the register.
436
00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:44,372
Me and the cashier,
we said hey to each other.
437
00:18:44,373 --> 00:18:46,833
- That's all we needed to do.
- [scattered chuckling]
438
00:18:46,834 --> 00:18:48,669
There was no need to keep it goin'.
439
00:18:49,670 --> 00:18:52,255
But it took her a while
to ring up those two jugs of water.
440
00:18:52,256 --> 00:18:55,007
And so I thought,
"Well, I'll say somethin' here."
441
00:18:55,008 --> 00:18:56,218
[expectant laughter]
442
00:18:56,969 --> 00:19:00,221
I go, "What do I got? Uh..."
443
00:19:00,222 --> 00:19:01,889
"Okay, here we go. I'll try this."
444
00:19:01,890 --> 00:19:04,976
So I go, "These water bottles
used to have a handle on it."
445
00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:07,478
- [chuckles awkwardly]
- [scattered laughter]
446
00:19:07,479 --> 00:19:10,023
- [chuckling]
- [laughter increases]
447
00:19:10,649 --> 00:19:12,901
"They don't have a handle anymore though."
448
00:19:13,485 --> 00:19:15,153
And then I just kinda left it with her.
449
00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:16,405
You know, I'm like,
450
00:19:17,197 --> 00:19:19,532
"Okay, I've said a thing,
now you say a thing,
451
00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:22,535
and... we'll get through this."
452
00:19:22,536 --> 00:19:23,870
[audience laughing]
453
00:19:23,871 --> 00:19:26,081
She was like,
"Yeah, I don't know what happened."
454
00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:28,416
I go, "That's wild, huh?"
455
00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:29,917
[audience laughs]
456
00:19:29,918 --> 00:19:33,171
Then I get out in the parkin' lot, I go,
"What the hell are you doin' in there?"
457
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:35,214
- [audience laughs]
- [scattered applause]
458
00:19:35,215 --> 00:19:36,549
"Jeez, man."
459
00:19:36,550 --> 00:19:39,511
"You're a professional comedian,
for cryin' out loud."
460
00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:42,972
"You can do better
than water-bottle talk."
461
00:19:42,973 --> 00:19:44,433
[audience laughs]
462
00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:47,185
I like to think
that cashier's scrollin' Netflix,
463
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:49,687
and she sees my picture, and she goes,
464
00:19:49,688 --> 00:19:51,731
"The water-bottle guy?!"
465
00:19:51,732 --> 00:19:53,107
[audience laughs]
466
00:19:53,108 --> 00:19:54,901
[scattered applause and cheers]
467
00:19:54,902 --> 00:19:56,068
"Ace."
468
00:19:56,069 --> 00:19:57,653
[cheering continues]
469
00:19:57,654 --> 00:19:59,614
[applause and whistling]
470
00:19:59,615 --> 00:20:02,366
[chuckles] She's like,
"I did not see that coming."
471
00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:03,367
[audience laughs]
472
00:20:03,368 --> 00:20:06,204
"I didn't think he was gonna make it
across the street!"
473
00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:08,581
- [audience laughs]
- [scattered clapping]
474
00:20:08,582 --> 00:20:09,583
[chuckles]
475
00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:12,668
I was in a gas station the other day,
and the cashier goes,
476
00:20:12,669 --> 00:20:14,962
"How you doin' today?"
I go, "Good, what about you?"
477
00:20:14,963 --> 00:20:17,757
She goes, "Good! You?"
I'm like, "How long we gon' do this here?"
478
00:20:17,758 --> 00:20:18,966
[audience laughs]
479
00:20:18,967 --> 00:20:21,553
"Well, uh, dang,
are you even listenin' to me?"
480
00:20:22,679 --> 00:20:25,140
"I told you I was good, y'know,
don't keep askin'."
481
00:20:26,016 --> 00:20:27,642
"Might get a real answer."
482
00:20:27,643 --> 00:20:29,143
[audience laughs]
483
00:20:29,144 --> 00:20:32,230
"I'm tryin' to keep it light." [chuckles]
484
00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:35,233
I was in a Walgreens the other day.
The other day was a big day for me.
485
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:37,110
- It was, uh...
- [audience laughs]
486
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:39,779
[applause and whooping]
487
00:20:39,780 --> 00:20:42,531
If not for the other day,
none of this'd be happening.
488
00:20:42,532 --> 00:20:45,619
- [laughter continues]
- A beautiful day the other day.
489
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:47,995
I'm glad I was payin' attention.
490
00:20:47,996 --> 00:20:49,248
[audience chuckling]
491
00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:52,291
I was in a Walgreens the other day,
and I was waiting in line,
492
00:20:52,292 --> 00:20:54,502
and there was this lady
talking to the cashier.
493
00:20:54,503 --> 00:20:55,711
And the cashier was like...
494
00:20:55,712 --> 00:20:58,839
She had just had to ask
a regular ol' Walgreens question, y'know?
495
00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:01,342
She was like,
"Oh, are you a Walgreens rewards member?"
496
00:21:01,343 --> 00:21:04,845
That lady goes, "If I had to ask
that question every day, I'd kill myself."
497
00:21:04,846 --> 00:21:06,347
[audience laughs]
498
00:21:06,348 --> 00:21:07,599
[Dusty chuckles]
499
00:21:11,061 --> 00:21:12,186
I got up to the register.
500
00:21:12,187 --> 00:21:15,773
I was like, "Jeez, that lady had
a low threshold for suicide, huh?"
501
00:21:15,774 --> 00:21:17,192
[audience laughs]
502
00:21:18,860 --> 00:21:19,861
[chuckles]
503
00:21:22,447 --> 00:21:24,573
"Somebody better
keep an eye on that lady."
504
00:21:24,574 --> 00:21:25,951
[audience laughs]
505
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:29,495
"Like, the day gets harder, y'know?"
506
00:21:29,496 --> 00:21:30,872
[scattered laughter]
507
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:35,710
If you got suicide in your small talk,
you gotta work on it, y'know?
508
00:21:35,711 --> 00:21:36,837
[audience laughs]
509
00:21:37,379 --> 00:21:40,132
[chuckles] I mean,
that's big talk, y'know?
510
00:21:40,632 --> 00:21:42,425
Small talk is the weather, y'know?
511
00:21:42,426 --> 00:21:45,344
You're like,
"Oh, it's a beautiful day today, huh?"
512
00:21:45,345 --> 00:21:47,513
You're like,
"Yeah, I'd like to kill myself."
513
00:21:47,514 --> 00:21:48,932
[audience laughs]
514
00:21:49,975 --> 00:21:51,435
[scattered chuckling]
515
00:21:52,269 --> 00:21:54,812
"Okay. Well, I hope it rains, I guess."
516
00:21:54,813 --> 00:21:56,230
[audience laughs]
517
00:21:56,231 --> 00:21:59,901
[chuckles] "I... I mean,
for your sake, y'know, but..."
518
00:22:00,652 --> 00:22:02,654
"Can't rain every day though, can it?"
519
00:22:03,488 --> 00:22:06,240
Okay. Thank you. We're havin' a good time.
520
00:22:06,241 --> 00:22:07,908
- [audience cheers]
- [chuckles] Thank you.
521
00:22:07,909 --> 00:22:09,952
- [audience whistling]
- Okay!
522
00:22:09,953 --> 00:22:11,996
- Thank you.
- [man] Whoo!
523
00:22:11,997 --> 00:22:13,081
[applause subsides]
524
00:22:13,665 --> 00:22:16,042
It's a blank water.
What is it? I don't know.
525
00:22:16,043 --> 00:22:17,084
[audience chuckles]
526
00:22:17,085 --> 00:22:18,754
Who knows what's in there?
527
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:21,630
It was already open
when I tried to twist it.
528
00:22:21,631 --> 00:22:23,258
[audience laughs]
529
00:22:25,135 --> 00:22:26,720
Could be anything in there.
530
00:22:27,721 --> 00:22:29,638
[chuckles] Who knows, though?
531
00:22:29,639 --> 00:22:31,099
[scattered laughter]
532
00:22:32,184 --> 00:22:33,392
I hope I'm okay.
533
00:22:33,393 --> 00:22:34,769
[audience laughs]
534
00:22:34,770 --> 00:22:38,314
[chuckles] It didn't click when I spun it.
Y'know what I mean?
535
00:22:38,315 --> 00:22:39,691
[laughter continues]
536
00:22:40,817 --> 00:22:43,361
[chuckles, laughs]
537
00:22:43,362 --> 00:22:45,613
- [audience chuckles]
- Okay.
538
00:22:45,614 --> 00:22:48,866
I checked into this hotel the other day,
and they gave me a little sheet of paper.
539
00:22:48,867 --> 00:22:51,494
It was instructions
on how to check out faster.
540
00:22:51,495 --> 00:22:53,954
I was like, "Oh, okay.
Well, let me ask you this."
541
00:22:53,955 --> 00:22:55,748
"What's faster than just leavin'?"
542
00:22:55,749 --> 00:22:57,834
[audience laughs]
543
00:22:59,878 --> 00:23:01,879
"I mean, that's how I've been doin' it."
544
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,673
- [audience laughs]
- "I'm gonna be honest with you here."
545
00:23:04,674 --> 00:23:07,051
"I didn't even realize
there was a checkout process."
546
00:23:07,052 --> 00:23:08,594
[laughter continues]
547
00:23:08,595 --> 00:23:11,889
"Just felt like you see me leave here
with all these bags,
548
00:23:11,890 --> 00:23:14,684
you get up into that room
and I'm not in there,
549
00:23:15,894 --> 00:23:17,353
you know I've checked out."
550
00:23:17,354 --> 00:23:18,687
[laughter continues]
551
00:23:18,688 --> 00:23:21,775
I could still be checked in
to a lotta hotel rooms
552
00:23:22,692 --> 00:23:24,152
all across the country.
553
00:23:25,070 --> 00:23:26,612
I show up, try to check in,
554
00:23:26,613 --> 00:23:29,907
they're like, "Sir, we're showing
you're still checked in here."
555
00:23:29,908 --> 00:23:31,617
[audience laughing]
556
00:23:31,618 --> 00:23:34,328
"Yeah, you owe us quite a bit of money."
557
00:23:34,329 --> 00:23:35,538
[laughter continues]
558
00:23:35,539 --> 00:23:38,667
"A lot of us were wondering
if you were still alive."
559
00:23:39,209 --> 00:23:41,335
"You left that do-not-disturb sign
on the door,
560
00:23:41,336 --> 00:23:43,379
and we couldn't get in there."
561
00:23:43,380 --> 00:23:44,965
[chuckling]
562
00:23:45,465 --> 00:23:47,384
- [scattered laughter]
- [Dusty chuckles]
563
00:23:48,927 --> 00:23:50,010
What are other people doing?
564
00:23:50,011 --> 00:23:53,473
Are they goin' up to the register,
ringin' that bell, going, "Hey-hey"?
565
00:23:54,683 --> 00:23:56,934
"Just wanna let you know
I'm about to head on outta here."
566
00:23:56,935 --> 00:23:58,060
[audience laughs]
567
00:23:58,061 --> 00:24:01,605
"I've had a good time gettin' to know you
this weekend, as I come and go by here,
568
00:24:01,606 --> 00:24:04,191
but I know you got used to
seeing me go out the door,
569
00:24:04,192 --> 00:24:07,112
and then, later in the day,
I'll be coming back in here, but...
570
00:24:07,863 --> 00:24:09,864
that's not what's gonna be happenin'
today though."
571
00:24:09,865 --> 00:24:11,449
[audience laughs]
572
00:24:11,450 --> 00:24:14,201
"Nah, today, when I go out that door,
I'm not comin' back."
573
00:24:14,202 --> 00:24:15,370
[laughter continues]
574
00:24:16,163 --> 00:24:18,790
"So, if there's anythin'
you wanna say to me, y'know,
575
00:24:20,208 --> 00:24:23,879
better go ahead and say it, 'cause it may
be a year or so 'fore I'm back around."
576
00:24:24,421 --> 00:24:27,047
"You might not be working here
by then, y'know?"
577
00:24:27,048 --> 00:24:29,550
"Not with the kinda attitude
I've seen you have."
578
00:24:29,551 --> 00:24:31,261
[audience laughs]
579
00:24:32,596 --> 00:24:33,763
[chuckles] Y'know.
580
00:24:34,598 --> 00:24:36,766
"On a day-to-day basis, y'know?"
581
00:24:37,267 --> 00:24:39,769
"You complain about--
a lot about this job."
582
00:24:40,770 --> 00:24:43,689
You ever check in real late to a hotel,
like 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning,
583
00:24:43,690 --> 00:24:45,816
and the person working,
it's like, "Do you work here,
584
00:24:45,817 --> 00:24:48,110
or did you just kill
the guy that works here"?
585
00:24:48,111 --> 00:24:49,362
[audience laughs]
586
00:24:50,447 --> 00:24:51,780
[chuckles] Y'know?
587
00:24:51,781 --> 00:24:55,410
- [scattered laughter]
- [Dusty chuckling]
588
00:24:56,495 --> 00:24:59,413
You ever... you ever check in to a hotel
and the pool's shut down?
589
00:24:59,414 --> 00:25:00,581
[murmuring in agreement]
590
00:25:00,582 --> 00:25:03,334
You weren't plannin' on gettin' in
but still feel a little ripped off?
591
00:25:03,335 --> 00:25:04,418
[audience laughs]
592
00:25:04,419 --> 00:25:06,587
You're like, "I don't wanna stay
at some raggedy hotel
593
00:25:06,588 --> 00:25:08,339
where everything's shut down."
594
00:25:08,340 --> 00:25:10,549
"Like, what else
doesn't work around here?"
595
00:25:10,550 --> 00:25:12,009
And I don't wanna get in the pool.
596
00:25:12,010 --> 00:25:14,595
I just kinda wanna open that door
and go, "Ugh!"
597
00:25:14,596 --> 00:25:15,805
[audience laughs]
598
00:25:16,515 --> 00:25:18,349
"A lotta chlorine in there, huh?"
599
00:25:18,350 --> 00:25:19,935
[audience laughs]
600
00:25:21,311 --> 00:25:23,604
I never get in the hotel pool.
This is why.
601
00:25:23,605 --> 00:25:25,606
Sometimes, you go down there,
and the pool's full,
602
00:25:25,607 --> 00:25:28,025
you're like, "I don't wanna get in
with all those people."
603
00:25:28,026 --> 00:25:30,152
Then the other time you go down
and it's empty,
604
00:25:30,153 --> 00:25:31,862
you're like, "Why's nobody in the pool?"
605
00:25:31,863 --> 00:25:33,072
[audience laughs]
606
00:25:33,073 --> 00:25:36,159
"What's wrong with the pool
that nobody wants to swim in there?"
607
00:25:36,785 --> 00:25:39,870
And I don't wanna get in there
and be the one lone guy
608
00:25:39,871 --> 00:25:41,622
swimmin' around in the pool.
609
00:25:41,623 --> 00:25:43,666
The kids are comin' down,
tryin' to get in.
610
00:25:43,667 --> 00:25:46,669
They're like, "We can't get in.
That guy's still in there."
611
00:25:46,670 --> 00:25:48,088
[audience laughs]
612
00:25:50,298 --> 00:25:52,091
"He has hairs everywhere."
613
00:25:52,092 --> 00:25:53,343
[laughter continues]
614
00:25:54,135 --> 00:25:56,054
[chuckling]
615
00:25:58,014 --> 00:26:00,057
[chuckles] You know what I mean.
616
00:26:00,058 --> 00:26:01,517
[scattered laughter]
617
00:26:01,518 --> 00:26:02,851
[awkwardly] Okay.
618
00:26:02,852 --> 00:26:04,436
[audience laughs]
619
00:26:04,437 --> 00:26:06,146
I went through a cologne phase
for a while.
620
00:26:06,147 --> 00:26:09,526
I used to wear a lotta cologne.
People never liked me in cologne.
621
00:26:10,318 --> 00:26:12,861
They were never like,
"Ooh! You smell good!"
622
00:26:12,862 --> 00:26:16,073
They were always like,
"Who's wearin' cologne?!"
623
00:26:16,074 --> 00:26:17,449
[audience laughs]
624
00:26:17,450 --> 00:26:19,286
- [scattered applause]
- [man whoops]
625
00:26:21,162 --> 00:26:23,206
[chuckling]
626
00:26:24,291 --> 00:26:26,083
I read a story one time
about a country singer.
627
00:26:26,084 --> 00:26:28,295
They said he used to
drink a lotta cologne.
628
00:26:29,045 --> 00:26:30,212
And he died.
629
00:26:30,213 --> 00:26:31,840
[audience laughs]
630
00:26:33,633 --> 00:26:37,136
[chuckles] That's not funny,
but it is funny the way I said it though.
631
00:26:37,137 --> 00:26:38,305
[audience laughs]
632
00:26:38,930 --> 00:26:41,807
They said he was a real bad alcoholic,
and towards the end of his life,
633
00:26:41,808 --> 00:26:44,351
it got so bad,
he started drinking cologne.
634
00:26:44,352 --> 00:26:46,478
They said that like it was rock bottom.
635
00:26:46,479 --> 00:26:50,107
But I'm like, "How's that rock bottom?
Cologne's expensive, y'know?"
636
00:26:50,108 --> 00:26:51,234
[audience laughs]
637
00:26:51,860 --> 00:26:53,445
Seems like a choice, y'know?
638
00:26:53,945 --> 00:26:56,155
How would that even work
in a social setting?
639
00:26:56,156 --> 00:26:58,282
Show up to a party.
Your buddy's like, "Bud Light?"
640
00:26:58,283 --> 00:27:01,327
You're like,
"No, I'll have a... Drakkar Noir."
641
00:27:01,328 --> 00:27:02,871
[audience laughs]
642
00:27:04,539 --> 00:27:05,540
[blows, chuckles]
643
00:27:07,125 --> 00:27:09,710
"It's got some heat on it!"
Y'know what I mean?
644
00:27:09,711 --> 00:27:10,837
[laughter continues]
645
00:27:12,297 --> 00:27:13,673
[chuckles] Okay.
646
00:27:15,008 --> 00:27:18,510
I went out to San Diego not too long ago.
Had a lotta fun out there.
647
00:27:18,511 --> 00:27:21,972
Thank you. And, uh,
lotta homeless people out there.
648
00:27:21,973 --> 00:27:23,682
Um, I don't mind.
649
00:27:23,683 --> 00:27:27,478
A lot of people think I'm homeless.
Y'know what I mean? Doesn't bother me.
650
00:27:27,479 --> 00:27:30,522
They were very polite. Some of the nicest
homeless people I'd ever seen.
651
00:27:30,523 --> 00:27:33,359
One guy came up to me on the street,
both hands on his belt like this.
652
00:27:33,360 --> 00:27:35,903
He goes, "Would you like me
to whoop your ass?"
653
00:27:35,904 --> 00:27:37,280
[audience laughs]
654
00:27:40,950 --> 00:27:42,160
[chuckles]
655
00:27:44,329 --> 00:27:46,246
I thought it was polite that he asked.
656
00:27:46,247 --> 00:27:47,707
[audience laughs]
657
00:27:52,087 --> 00:27:55,047
I go to a lotta cities.
Lotta times they won't ask, y'know?
658
00:27:55,048 --> 00:27:56,341
[audience laughs]
659
00:27:57,717 --> 00:27:59,843
- [man] Whoo!
- They'll just try to do it.
660
00:27:59,844 --> 00:28:02,472
But this guy asked, y'know,
and I appreciated it.
661
00:28:02,972 --> 00:28:04,473
I said no, of course.
662
00:28:04,474 --> 00:28:05,641
[audience chuckles]
663
00:28:05,642 --> 00:28:07,184
He got so mad when I said no.
664
00:28:07,185 --> 00:28:09,854
I guess he'd been out there all day
askin' that question.
665
00:28:10,438 --> 00:28:13,441
Like, "Dang, that's the last thing
on my to-do list."
666
00:28:14,859 --> 00:28:17,404
"Then I can get back to the tent."
Y'know what I mean?
667
00:28:17,904 --> 00:28:19,780
- Okay.
- [audience chuckles]
668
00:28:19,781 --> 00:28:21,866
- [chuckles] Okay.
- [audience cheering]
669
00:28:22,450 --> 00:28:23,451
[Dusty chuckles]
670
00:28:24,619 --> 00:28:25,619
[softly] Okay.
671
00:28:25,620 --> 00:28:26,621
[woman] Whoo!
672
00:28:27,122 --> 00:28:29,373
If I were homeless,
the first thing I'd save up and buy
673
00:28:29,374 --> 00:28:30,792
would be a day planner.
674
00:28:31,543 --> 00:28:33,752
That way, every day,
I could open it up and go,
675
00:28:33,753 --> 00:28:34,878
"Nothin' to do!"
676
00:28:34,879 --> 00:28:36,172
[audience chuckles]
677
00:28:36,673 --> 00:28:38,549
That joke never does as well as I'd like.
678
00:28:38,550 --> 00:28:39,925
- But, uh...
- [audience laughs]
679
00:28:39,926 --> 00:28:41,802
People think I'm makin' fun
of homeless people,
680
00:28:41,803 --> 00:28:44,764
when I'm really just
admiring the freedom, y'know?
681
00:28:45,348 --> 00:28:48,016
Free schedule any day of the week?
That's what I'm talkin' about.
682
00:28:48,017 --> 00:28:49,226
[scattered chuckling]
683
00:28:49,227 --> 00:28:51,437
Never gets better the more I explain it.
But, uh...
684
00:28:51,438 --> 00:28:52,814
[audience laughs]
685
00:28:54,357 --> 00:28:56,943
Here's a joke that never works. Um...
686
00:28:57,485 --> 00:29:00,446
This joke's not about homelessness.
It's a different j-- It's a good joke.
687
00:29:00,447 --> 00:29:02,781
It just doesn't
do that well for audiences.
688
00:29:02,782 --> 00:29:03,992
[scattered laughter]
689
00:29:04,743 --> 00:29:07,162
I like this joke a lot.
I'm a big fan of it.
690
00:29:07,662 --> 00:29:09,830
We're gonna do it in a minute though.
Here we go.
691
00:29:09,831 --> 00:29:11,790
- [audience chuckling]
- [sighs] Okay.
692
00:29:11,791 --> 00:29:13,751
All right. Here it goes.
693
00:29:13,752 --> 00:29:15,836
Sometimes, I'll be listenin' to the radio,
694
00:29:15,837 --> 00:29:18,672
and they'll be advertising,
like, a local business, y'know?
695
00:29:18,673 --> 00:29:22,260
They'll be like, "We've been in business
for well over 50 years!"
696
00:29:22,761 --> 00:29:25,679
And I'm like,
"Well, how well over, y'know?"
697
00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:27,097
[scattered chuckling]
698
00:29:27,098 --> 00:29:30,017
Not "well over" enough
to put another number on it?
699
00:29:30,018 --> 00:29:31,269
[audience laughs]
700
00:29:31,853 --> 00:29:34,521
Not 51, 52?
701
00:29:34,522 --> 00:29:38,066
And if it's 51,
is it even that well over 50?
702
00:29:38,067 --> 00:29:39,402
[scattered laughter]
703
00:29:40,153 --> 00:29:41,737
And that's it. That's the whole joke.
704
00:29:41,738 --> 00:29:44,365
- [audience cheering]
- Thank you. Thank you.
705
00:29:47,327 --> 00:29:49,077
It's a good joke. It's a good joke.
706
00:29:49,078 --> 00:29:52,331
It's not that funny, I guess,
but it does make a lotta sense.
707
00:29:52,332 --> 00:29:53,666
[audience laughs]
708
00:29:55,293 --> 00:29:57,544
But that's not really what you want
out of a comic, y'know,
709
00:29:57,545 --> 00:29:59,546
just to make a lotta sense.
710
00:29:59,547 --> 00:30:01,256
You don't wanna leave the show being like,
711
00:30:01,257 --> 00:30:05,010
"You know what? He wasn't that funny,
but he made a lotta sense."
712
00:30:05,011 --> 00:30:06,595
[audience laughs]
713
00:30:06,596 --> 00:30:09,973
"I found myself sitting there,
not laughing so much as I was being like,
714
00:30:09,974 --> 00:30:12,644
'You know what? That adds up,
what he's sayin' right there.'"
715
00:30:13,144 --> 00:30:15,814
"I appreciate the way
he puts things together
716
00:30:16,314 --> 00:30:18,483
in a way that I can understand."
717
00:30:18,983 --> 00:30:20,275
If somebody hands you a drink,
718
00:30:20,276 --> 00:30:23,279
and they go,
"There's well over six ounces in here."
719
00:30:24,447 --> 00:30:26,615
You're like,
"Are you tryin' to say seven?"
720
00:30:26,616 --> 00:30:27,991
[audience laughs]
721
00:30:27,992 --> 00:30:30,619
[chuckles] That's the same joke.
Bit of a different twist to it.
722
00:30:30,620 --> 00:30:32,329
[laughter and applause]
723
00:30:32,330 --> 00:30:34,498
Not much funnier but it is, uh...
724
00:30:34,499 --> 00:30:37,125
- [scattered whoops]
- S... still makes a lotta sense.
725
00:30:37,126 --> 00:30:38,795
[scattered chuckling]
726
00:30:40,380 --> 00:30:42,381
I used to be a big drinker.
I like drinkin' a lot.
727
00:30:42,382 --> 00:30:45,175
- I quit drinkin', but I do like it. And...
- [person whoops]
728
00:30:45,176 --> 00:30:47,719
- You know what I mean. Yeah.
- [audience laughs]
729
00:30:47,720 --> 00:30:50,180
Don't know what you're clappin' for,
drinkin' or not drinkin'.
730
00:30:50,181 --> 00:30:52,349
But it doesn't matter. They're both good!
731
00:30:52,350 --> 00:30:54,184
- And, uh...
- [audience laughs]
732
00:30:54,185 --> 00:30:58,146
I like drinking so much, I like to let it
completely control my life. Y'know?
733
00:30:58,147 --> 00:30:59,399
[audience laughs]
734
00:31:00,525 --> 00:31:03,652
I never understood people
that wanna go out for two beers.
735
00:31:03,653 --> 00:31:06,405
They're like, "Wanna get a couple beers?"
I'm like, "Why?!"
736
00:31:06,406 --> 00:31:07,823
- Y'know?
- [audience laughs]
737
00:31:07,824 --> 00:31:09,742
"Let's get into it, man!"
738
00:31:10,243 --> 00:31:12,244
"Let's lose our jobs this week!"
739
00:31:12,245 --> 00:31:14,121
[laughter and applause]
740
00:31:14,122 --> 00:31:17,125
- [man] Whoo!
- "Let's ruin our relationships."
741
00:31:18,209 --> 00:31:22,129
I like to go out with a friend
and ruin that friendship in the night.
742
00:31:22,130 --> 00:31:24,382
- [audience laughs]
- [woman whoops]
743
00:31:25,925 --> 00:31:26,967
"What happened to Mike?"
744
00:31:26,968 --> 00:31:29,845
I was like, "I don't know. He jumped
out of the car while I was driving."
745
00:31:29,846 --> 00:31:31,347
[audience laughs]
746
00:31:34,017 --> 00:31:37,060
[chuckling]
747
00:31:37,061 --> 00:31:38,521
[scattered laughter]
748
00:31:39,230 --> 00:31:42,399
I was hangin' out outside a bar one night.
I was not drinkin'.
749
00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:45,068
I'd already quit drinkin'.
I was just out there being cool.
750
00:31:45,069 --> 00:31:48,489
Just, uh, being cool,
looking cool, y'know?
751
00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:53,285
This girl comes up to me outta nowhere.
She's pretty drunk, pretty attractive.
752
00:31:53,286 --> 00:31:54,578
She walked right up to me.
753
00:31:54,579 --> 00:31:57,205
I was like, "All right!
That's what I'm talkin' about." Y'know?
754
00:31:57,206 --> 00:31:59,166
- [audience laughs]
- [chuckles]
755
00:31:59,167 --> 00:32:02,836
She got right up to me, and she goes,
"You gotta get new glasses."
756
00:32:02,837 --> 00:32:04,671
[audience laughs]
757
00:32:04,672 --> 00:32:07,675
She was like, "I don't wanna have sex
with you with those glasses."
758
00:32:08,176 --> 00:32:09,593
And I'm married, y'know?
759
00:32:09,594 --> 00:32:12,013
I was not out there lookin' for sex.
760
00:32:12,555 --> 00:32:14,598
But I was like,
"What kinda glasses should I get?"
761
00:32:14,599 --> 00:32:15,892
[audience laughs]
762
00:32:16,684 --> 00:32:17,685
[chuckles]
763
00:32:18,603 --> 00:32:21,147
Y'know what I mean?
You might as well find out, y'know?
764
00:32:22,357 --> 00:32:24,483
I wanna play to my strengths out here.
765
00:32:24,484 --> 00:32:25,817
[scattered laughter]
766
00:32:25,818 --> 00:32:27,736
I don't have to wear these glasses.
767
00:32:27,737 --> 00:32:29,947
You know, I need them to see, but...
768
00:32:29,948 --> 00:32:31,573
[audience laughs]
769
00:32:31,574 --> 00:32:33,241
...I can take them off.
770
00:32:33,242 --> 00:32:34,994
[audience laughs]
771
00:32:38,247 --> 00:32:40,499
So I was like,
"What kinda glasses should I get?"
772
00:32:40,500 --> 00:32:42,418
She goes, "Any kind."
773
00:32:43,211 --> 00:32:45,671
She said,
"Those are Jeffrey Dahmer glasses."
774
00:32:45,672 --> 00:32:47,172
[audience laughs]
775
00:32:47,173 --> 00:32:50,008
"You're not gonna get laid
with those glasses."
776
00:32:50,009 --> 00:32:52,678
And I was like, "Well, he got laid a lot."
777
00:32:52,679 --> 00:32:54,471
[audience laughs]
778
00:32:54,472 --> 00:32:55,598
[chuckles]
779
00:32:57,266 --> 00:33:00,310
Y'know what I mean?
Okay! No, we're havin' a good time.
780
00:33:00,311 --> 00:33:02,604
- [audience cheering]
- Thank you. Thank you.
781
00:33:02,605 --> 00:33:05,232
[audience applauding]
782
00:33:05,233 --> 00:33:08,111
You would think
that would be a weird thing to say, right?
783
00:33:08,695 --> 00:33:11,738
But, in the moment,
it felt like it got flirty.
784
00:33:11,739 --> 00:33:13,241
[audience laughs]
785
00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:15,742
Felt like she was into it, man.
786
00:33:15,743 --> 00:33:18,579
I don't know how or why,
but it did feel that way.
787
00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:20,080
I even thought to myself,
788
00:33:20,081 --> 00:33:23,375
"If I were looking for sex,
I think I woulda just found it here."
789
00:33:23,376 --> 00:33:25,585
- [audience laughs]
- [man chuckles]
790
00:33:25,586 --> 00:33:27,796
But that's one of the best things
about being married.
791
00:33:27,797 --> 00:33:30,215
When you're married,
you can always believe
792
00:33:30,216 --> 00:33:31,842
you were about to get laid.
793
00:33:31,843 --> 00:33:33,301
[audience laughs]
794
00:33:33,302 --> 00:33:34,970
Long as you don't act on it,
795
00:33:34,971 --> 00:33:37,682
you can always believe
it was about to happen.
796
00:33:38,182 --> 00:33:39,182
And that feels good.
797
00:33:39,183 --> 00:33:41,393
I mean, that's a confidence level
that you can't touch.
798
00:33:41,394 --> 00:33:43,896
I mean, that is way up here.
Y'know what I mean?
799
00:33:44,397 --> 00:33:48,150
Like, if you go to the bar or the club
and you're single and you don't get laid,
800
00:33:48,151 --> 00:33:50,861
you're like, "Ugh! I'm a loser."
801
00:33:50,862 --> 00:33:51,862
Y'know?
802
00:33:51,863 --> 00:33:55,574
If you go to the bar or the club
and you're married and you don't get laid,
803
00:33:55,575 --> 00:33:58,493
you're like, "I'm a good dude."
804
00:33:58,494 --> 00:34:00,038
[audience laughs]
805
00:34:02,040 --> 00:34:05,542
[chuckles] You're like, "Yeah,
I coulda gotten laid if I wanted to,
806
00:34:05,543 --> 00:34:08,545
but I'm just out here shuttin' it down!"
807
00:34:08,546 --> 00:34:09,964
[audience laughs]
808
00:34:11,007 --> 00:34:12,008
[Dusty chuckles]
809
00:34:12,675 --> 00:34:15,469
- That feels good, y'know?
- [audience chuckling]
810
00:34:15,470 --> 00:34:18,972
Feels good to not accomplish anything
and be self-righteous about it.
811
00:34:18,973 --> 00:34:20,349
[audience laughs]
812
00:34:22,977 --> 00:34:25,228
That's how I'm tryin'
to live my life, y'know?
813
00:34:25,229 --> 00:34:26,313
[scattered chuckling]
814
00:34:26,314 --> 00:34:27,398
[Dusty chuckles]
815
00:34:28,066 --> 00:34:30,485
I don't know a lot
about serial killers, y'know?
816
00:34:30,985 --> 00:34:32,319
I'm not into that sort of stuff.
817
00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:35,113
I don't... I don't, uh...
y'know, I don't read books about 'em.
818
00:34:35,114 --> 00:34:38,785
I don't watch TV shows about 'em.
I don't listen to their podcasts.
819
00:34:39,285 --> 00:34:42,330
But I know some names, y'know?
I know some classics.
820
00:34:42,830 --> 00:34:45,290
So when the girl told me
I had Jeffrey Dahmer glasses,
821
00:34:45,291 --> 00:34:47,793
I thought she was talking
about Ted Bundy, right?
822
00:34:47,794 --> 00:34:49,002
[audience chuckles]
823
00:34:49,003 --> 00:34:50,712
And I know he killed people too,
824
00:34:50,713 --> 00:34:53,382
but a lotta people said
he was attractive, y'know?
825
00:34:53,883 --> 00:34:55,675
So I looked up Jeffrey Dahmer.
826
00:34:55,676 --> 00:34:57,470
[realization laughter]
827
00:34:59,388 --> 00:35:01,014
Turns out, he eats people.
828
00:35:01,015 --> 00:35:02,517
[audience laughs]
829
00:35:06,437 --> 00:35:07,938
So that's different, y'know?
830
00:35:07,939 --> 00:35:09,272
[laughter continues]
831
00:35:09,273 --> 00:35:11,358
Like, kill people, fine.
Y'know what I mean?
832
00:35:11,359 --> 00:35:12,901
But don't eat them.
833
00:35:12,902 --> 00:35:14,237
[audience laughs]
834
00:35:15,446 --> 00:35:17,782
Have some respect for yourself, y'know?
835
00:35:18,282 --> 00:35:22,328
I like to think even other serial killers
are looking down on that sorta stuff.
836
00:35:22,829 --> 00:35:24,287
Like, if they were to get together
837
00:35:24,288 --> 00:35:26,957
at some kinda,
y'know, serial killer meet-up,
838
00:35:26,958 --> 00:35:30,545
or, like, an annual sales meeting
of serial killers,
839
00:35:31,045 --> 00:35:35,757
after the meeting, they're all at the bar,
and they're like, "Hey, listen, Jeff..."
840
00:35:35,758 --> 00:35:37,260
[audience laughs]
841
00:35:38,094 --> 00:35:40,387
"...don't be eatin' the bodies, buddy."
842
00:35:40,388 --> 00:35:41,721
[audience laughs]
843
00:35:41,722 --> 00:35:42,931
[man] Yeah!
844
00:35:42,932 --> 00:35:44,641
[scattered applause and whoops]
845
00:35:44,642 --> 00:35:46,894
[audience cheering]
846
00:35:47,478 --> 00:35:49,729
"You're making us all look bad here."
847
00:35:49,730 --> 00:35:52,233
"Really bringin' down the whole industry."
848
00:35:52,733 --> 00:35:55,902
They're like, "Listen,
we all like a little knife action, okay?"
849
00:35:55,903 --> 00:35:57,112
[audience chuckles]
850
00:35:57,113 --> 00:35:58,614
"We love the knife."
851
00:35:59,448 --> 00:36:01,741
"But you gotta put down the fork."
852
00:36:01,742 --> 00:36:03,202
[audience laughs]
853
00:36:03,953 --> 00:36:05,579
[whooping and applause]
854
00:36:05,580 --> 00:36:07,455
[chuckles] Y'know what I mean?
855
00:36:07,456 --> 00:36:08,707
[scattered applause]
856
00:36:08,708 --> 00:36:10,668
"C'mon, buddy." [sighs]
857
00:36:11,294 --> 00:36:14,463
Yeah, I love to humanize a serial killer
for a laugh, y'know what I mean?
858
00:36:14,964 --> 00:36:16,506
Okay. Thank you.
859
00:36:16,507 --> 00:36:18,593
- [scattered laughter]
- [Dusty chuckles]
860
00:36:20,094 --> 00:36:22,304
I think they said Ted Bundy
got caught down in Florida.
861
00:36:22,305 --> 00:36:25,015
He got caught jaywalkin'.
That's how they caught him.
862
00:36:25,016 --> 00:36:26,600
That escalated quickly, huh?
863
00:36:26,601 --> 00:36:28,059
[audience laughs]
864
00:36:28,060 --> 00:36:30,687
Can you imagine that?
You get arrested for jaywalkin'.
865
00:36:30,688 --> 00:36:33,690
They're like, "Hey, by the way,
have you been murdering people?"
866
00:36:33,691 --> 00:36:35,026
[audience laughs]
867
00:36:36,569 --> 00:36:39,237
I think if you've been murdering
a lot of people, maybe go ahead
868
00:36:39,238 --> 00:36:41,281
and go to the crosswalk, you know?
869
00:36:41,282 --> 00:36:42,700
[audience laughs]
870
00:36:44,911 --> 00:36:47,830
You just think you can get away
with anything at that point, y'know?
871
00:36:48,331 --> 00:36:49,331
[chuckles]
872
00:36:49,332 --> 00:36:52,417
You're like, "I've been killin' people.
I'll cross the street whenever I want."
873
00:36:52,418 --> 00:36:53,710
[audience laughs]
874
00:36:53,711 --> 00:36:56,005
"Hey, you don't tell me
when to cross the street."
875
00:36:56,923 --> 00:36:58,256
"I'll kill ya." [chuckles]
876
00:36:58,257 --> 00:36:59,675
[audience laughs]
877
00:37:00,218 --> 00:37:02,052
- [cheering]
- [chuckles] Y'know?
878
00:37:02,053 --> 00:37:04,721
- [audience applauding]
- [Dusty chuckling]
879
00:37:04,722 --> 00:37:07,183
- [scattered cheering]
- [Dusty chuckles]
880
00:37:08,017 --> 00:37:09,935
You know, the problem with drugs is...
881
00:37:09,936 --> 00:37:11,561
[audience laughs]
882
00:37:11,562 --> 00:37:14,356
...is addiction, right?
That's the problem with drugs, addiction.
883
00:37:14,357 --> 00:37:17,442
'Cause if we're not gettin' addicted,
we're just out here havin' a good time.
884
00:37:17,443 --> 00:37:19,819
- Y'know what I mean?
- [audience chuckles, whoops]
885
00:37:19,820 --> 00:37:22,864
Like, if you could guarantee
I wouldn't get addicted, and I mean this,
886
00:37:22,865 --> 00:37:24,950
if you could guarantee
that I wouldn't get addicted,
887
00:37:24,951 --> 00:37:26,159
I'd try crack.
888
00:37:26,160 --> 00:37:27,745
[audience laughs]
889
00:37:28,913 --> 00:37:32,624
I've always wanted to try it.
Um, seems like my kinda drug.
890
00:37:32,625 --> 00:37:35,168
Y'know, I don't wanna do it a lot,
one or two times.
891
00:37:35,169 --> 00:37:36,378
Well over one time.
892
00:37:36,379 --> 00:37:38,672
- That's all I wanna do it.
- [audience laughs]
893
00:37:38,673 --> 00:37:41,299
- [whooping, applauding]
- That's all I wanna do it.
894
00:37:41,300 --> 00:37:43,093
Well over one time, y'know?
895
00:37:43,094 --> 00:37:44,177
But I don't wanna...
896
00:37:44,178 --> 00:37:47,013
I don't wanna be, like,
a crackhead or whatever, y'know?
897
00:37:47,014 --> 00:37:48,181
[scattered chuckling]
898
00:37:48,182 --> 00:37:49,182
So I don't do it.
899
00:37:49,183 --> 00:37:51,142
But imagine they could invent, like,
900
00:37:51,143 --> 00:37:53,478
a non-addictive crack, y'know?
901
00:37:53,479 --> 00:37:57,316
That'd be fun. Like, all the fun of crack
without the baggage, y'know?
902
00:37:57,817 --> 00:38:00,777
Crack that you can do today
but not tomorrow, y'know?
903
00:38:00,778 --> 00:38:01,861
[audience laughs]
904
00:38:01,862 --> 00:38:04,990
Unless you want to, y'know?
At that point, it's up to you really.
905
00:38:04,991 --> 00:38:06,408
It's your choice.
906
00:38:06,409 --> 00:38:10,120
Um... but a lotta weed is becoming legal
in a lotta states, y'know,
907
00:38:10,121 --> 00:38:11,955
and they start setting up dispensaries.
908
00:38:11,956 --> 00:38:15,333
So you could start setting up
these crack dispensaries, y'know?
909
00:38:15,334 --> 00:38:18,003
You still make it look like
an old house if you want.
910
00:38:18,004 --> 00:38:20,131
- Y'know, you don't...
- [audience laughs]
911
00:38:22,758 --> 00:38:24,843
You don't wanna kill the vibe of crack.
912
00:38:24,844 --> 00:38:26,094
[audience laughs]
913
00:38:26,095 --> 00:38:28,972
You don't wanna ruin
the aesthetic that crack has.
914
00:38:28,973 --> 00:38:30,765
- [chuckling]
- But think about this.
915
00:38:30,766 --> 00:38:32,892
You're at work on Friday,
about to get off work.
916
00:38:32,893 --> 00:38:35,061
You're like,
"I don't really wanna drink this weekend,
917
00:38:35,062 --> 00:38:37,230
but I'd like to have some fun, y'know?"
918
00:38:37,231 --> 00:38:39,691
So, on your way home,
you stop off at the dispensary,
919
00:38:39,692 --> 00:38:44,321
and you get yourself a little rock,
and, uh... you go back to the house.
920
00:38:44,322 --> 00:38:46,906
And you don't do it on Friday.
You just kinda rest up.
921
00:38:46,907 --> 00:38:51,578
And then on Saturday, you get up,
maybe go out on the side deck, and, uh...
922
00:38:51,579 --> 00:38:53,204
[audience laughs]
923
00:38:53,205 --> 00:38:55,540
[chuckles] Y'know what I mean?
924
00:38:55,541 --> 00:38:58,960
You got some cigarettes,
maybe a lightbulb, and, uh...
925
00:38:58,961 --> 00:39:00,545
[audience laughs]
926
00:39:00,546 --> 00:39:03,214
You drop that rock in there,
and you fire it up, y'know?
927
00:39:03,215 --> 00:39:05,717
Smoke a little crack out there
on the back porch.
928
00:39:05,718 --> 00:39:07,635
Your neighbor sees you
over the privacy fence.
929
00:39:07,636 --> 00:39:11,139
You're like, "Oh, no." [chuckling]
"It's non-addictive now. This is..."
930
00:39:11,140 --> 00:39:12,682
[audience laughs]
931
00:39:12,683 --> 00:39:15,269
"It's not gonna be a problem
in the future, y'know?"
932
00:39:15,770 --> 00:39:17,979
You ride it out on Saturday.
You recover on Sunday.
933
00:39:17,980 --> 00:39:18,980
Back at work on Monday.
934
00:39:18,981 --> 00:39:21,608
Your coworkers are like,
"What you do this weekend?"
935
00:39:21,609 --> 00:39:24,027
You're like, "Y'know what?
I tried crack for the first time."
936
00:39:24,028 --> 00:39:27,030
- [audience laughs]
- [chuckles] They go, "Whoa, how was it?"
937
00:39:27,031 --> 00:39:29,532
You're like, "Pretty wild, really.
I wasn't ready."
938
00:39:29,533 --> 00:39:31,951
"Started off pretty smooth,
then I kinda blacked out
939
00:39:31,952 --> 00:39:34,829
and... stole a catalytic converter, and..."
940
00:39:34,830 --> 00:39:36,332
[audience laughs]
941
00:39:40,044 --> 00:39:42,295
"I don't know why.
I don't even know what it does, y'know?"
942
00:39:42,296 --> 00:39:43,838
- "But..."
- [audience laughs]
943
00:39:43,839 --> 00:39:45,882
"I just wanted to get my hands on one!"
944
00:39:45,883 --> 00:39:47,259
[audience laughs]
945
00:39:48,386 --> 00:39:49,387
[chuckles]
946
00:39:51,013 --> 00:39:52,389
[scattered laughter]
947
00:39:52,390 --> 00:39:54,557
Took it off my own car though, so...
948
00:39:54,558 --> 00:39:56,267
[audience laughs]
949
00:39:56,268 --> 00:39:57,727
[Dusty chuckling]
950
00:39:57,728 --> 00:39:59,979
[cheering and applause]
951
00:39:59,980 --> 00:40:03,066
It's a real...
It's a real mess out there, y'know?
952
00:40:03,067 --> 00:40:04,984
My driveway's in shambles.
953
00:40:04,985 --> 00:40:06,361
[scattered laughter]
954
00:40:06,362 --> 00:40:08,196
Had to Uber to work today.
955
00:40:08,197 --> 00:40:09,614
[laughter continues]
956
00:40:09,615 --> 00:40:10,699
[Dusty laughs]
957
00:40:12,243 --> 00:40:14,412
Thinkin' about doin' a little crack
this weekend. See...
958
00:40:14,912 --> 00:40:16,830
See if I can't get it back on, y'know?
959
00:40:16,831 --> 00:40:17,915
[audience laughs]
960
00:40:18,833 --> 00:40:20,668
It's when I do my best work.
961
00:40:21,669 --> 00:40:22,670
[chuckles]
962
00:40:23,462 --> 00:40:25,296
I had a buddy that did crack one time,
963
00:40:25,297 --> 00:40:29,092
and, uh, he told me it felt like he was
having a heart attack the whole time.
964
00:40:29,093 --> 00:40:31,511
I don't know if he ever did it again,
but the next day,
965
00:40:31,512 --> 00:40:34,639
I had to drive him around
while he pawned a lotta DVDs.
966
00:40:34,640 --> 00:40:36,058
[audience laughs]
967
00:40:38,144 --> 00:40:41,772
So I don't... I don't know if there's
a connection there or not, or if...
968
00:40:42,481 --> 00:40:45,191
or if he just started hatin' movies
after that, y'know?
969
00:40:45,192 --> 00:40:46,776
[audience laughs]
970
00:40:46,777 --> 00:40:49,905
Just didn't have
the attention span for it after that.
971
00:40:51,574 --> 00:40:55,035
I don't know. [chuckles]
I don't know what it is, but, uh...
972
00:40:55,536 --> 00:40:56,744
Okay.
973
00:40:56,745 --> 00:40:58,413
[audience chuckles]
974
00:40:58,414 --> 00:41:00,957
Okay, well, I have kids now.
I have two kids.
975
00:41:00,958 --> 00:41:04,252
- Thank you. And, uh... Yeah. Thank you.
- [audience cheering]
976
00:41:04,253 --> 00:41:06,921
I do. I have two kids, and it's the bes--
One of them's a baby.
977
00:41:06,922 --> 00:41:10,675
- Y'know, and I'm well over 40, and, uh...
- [scattered chuckling]
978
00:41:10,676 --> 00:41:12,594
Yeah, I like to milk a joke.
Y'know what I mean?
979
00:41:12,595 --> 00:41:15,597
I like a lotta milk jokes,
and I'll milk a joke. And, uh...
980
00:41:15,598 --> 00:41:16,890
[audience laughs]
981
00:41:16,891 --> 00:41:18,183
[scattered applause]
982
00:41:18,184 --> 00:41:20,435
Thank you. And, uh, y'know...
983
00:41:20,436 --> 00:41:22,729
And I'm over 40.
I remember when my dad turned 40.
984
00:41:22,730 --> 00:41:26,316
It was a big deal.
We were like, "Dang. This guy is old!"
985
00:41:26,317 --> 00:41:27,358
[audience chuckles]
986
00:41:27,359 --> 00:41:31,446
Like, there was a sign in our yard
that said, "Lordy, Lordy, Richard's 40."
987
00:41:31,447 --> 00:41:32,781
[audience laughs]
988
00:41:33,532 --> 00:41:36,659
You're like, "Dang, this guy's
about to die, I guess. I dunno."
989
00:41:36,660 --> 00:41:37,785
[laughter continues]
990
00:41:37,786 --> 00:41:40,831
"He's so old,
the neighborhood's talkin' about it."
991
00:41:42,208 --> 00:41:45,126
But I don't feel old like that, y'know?
I feel good. I feel good.
992
00:41:45,127 --> 00:41:47,795
- But I did get vertigo not long ago.
- [woman] Yeah.
993
00:41:47,796 --> 00:41:50,715
I don't know if you guys know
what that is. Somebody does. And, uh...
994
00:41:50,716 --> 00:41:51,883
[audience chuckles]
995
00:41:51,884 --> 00:41:54,136
It's like a real
old-person thing, vertigo.
996
00:41:54,637 --> 00:41:56,763
The main symptom is you just get dizzy.
997
00:41:56,764 --> 00:41:59,517
I think that's the only symptom.
Physically, you're fine.
998
00:42:00,017 --> 00:42:01,351
Just real dizzy, y'know?
999
00:42:01,352 --> 00:42:03,686
You don't see
a lotta young kids with vertigo.
1000
00:42:03,687 --> 00:42:07,106
You don't see kids jumpin' off
the merry-go-round, being like, "Ugh!"
1001
00:42:07,107 --> 00:42:09,108
"Really activated my vertigo!"
1002
00:42:09,109 --> 00:42:10,486
[audience laughs]
1003
00:42:13,739 --> 00:42:15,950
Kids like being dizzy. It's fun to them.
1004
00:42:16,450 --> 00:42:18,284
It's devastating for an adult.
1005
00:42:18,285 --> 00:42:19,912
[audience laughs]
1006
00:42:22,957 --> 00:42:26,167
You feel so weak.
Like, physically, nothin' wrong with you.
1007
00:42:26,168 --> 00:42:28,586
But inside, you're like,
"Oh, I can't stand."
1008
00:42:28,587 --> 00:42:30,046
[audience laughs]
1009
00:42:30,047 --> 00:42:33,050
[chuckles] "Can't even stare
at the wall, really."
1010
00:42:33,551 --> 00:42:35,970
- "Keeps movin'."
- [audience chuckles]
1011
00:42:36,554 --> 00:42:38,388
My friends call me up.
"Hey, you wanna go out?"
1012
00:42:38,389 --> 00:42:41,724
I'm like, "Nah, I can't.
I'm real dizzy right now."
1013
00:42:41,725 --> 00:42:42,977
[audience laughs]
1014
00:42:43,852 --> 00:42:47,230
They're like, "What happened?"
I'm like, "I was just sittin' here."
1015
00:42:47,231 --> 00:42:48,648
[laughter continues]
1016
00:42:48,649 --> 00:42:50,233
"And then I got up."
1017
00:42:50,234 --> 00:42:51,818
[audience laughs]
1018
00:42:51,819 --> 00:42:54,947
[chuckles] "After that,
I was real dizzy, y'know?"
1019
00:42:56,574 --> 00:43:00,702
I went to the doctor about it.
And this is a real doctor that I went to.
1020
00:43:00,703 --> 00:43:04,038
I want you to know I didn't go through
any doorways made of beads to get there.
1021
00:43:04,039 --> 00:43:05,833
- But, uh...
- [audience laughs]
1022
00:43:08,919 --> 00:43:12,213
[chuckles] But he got
real mystical with me, y'know?
1023
00:43:12,214 --> 00:43:15,217
He was like,
"You got these crystals in your ears."
1024
00:43:15,718 --> 00:43:17,635
[chuckles] And, uh, he said,
1025
00:43:17,636 --> 00:43:20,555
"They get lost in there,
and they get turned around or whatever."
1026
00:43:20,556 --> 00:43:23,349
"And you'll get--"
I'm paraphrasin' some. But he said...
1027
00:43:23,350 --> 00:43:24,643
[audience laughs]
1028
00:43:25,936 --> 00:43:27,895
But apparently,
there are crystals in our ears.
1029
00:43:27,896 --> 00:43:29,522
At least that's what everybody believes.
1030
00:43:29,523 --> 00:43:31,482
That we all have
these crystals in our ears,
1031
00:43:31,483 --> 00:43:33,610
and that's what's keeping us balanced.
1032
00:43:33,611 --> 00:43:36,362
They weren't able
to present this crystal to me. They...
1033
00:43:36,363 --> 00:43:37,947
[audience laughs]
1034
00:43:37,948 --> 00:43:41,492
They didn't x-ray my head and go,
"You see those crystals there?"
1035
00:43:41,493 --> 00:43:42,661
[audience chuckles]
1036
00:43:43,329 --> 00:43:46,707
But that's apparently what's happening.
There's crystals in... in your ear.
1037
00:43:47,291 --> 00:43:49,000
So this is what I think happened.
1038
00:43:49,001 --> 00:43:51,795
One time, I was using a Q-tip
to clean my ear,
1039
00:43:52,296 --> 00:43:53,880
and I was really getting at it.
1040
00:43:53,881 --> 00:43:55,173
[audience laughs]
1041
00:43:55,174 --> 00:43:58,301
Pulled the Q-tip out,
there was no more cotton left on the end.
1042
00:43:58,302 --> 00:43:59,637
[audience laughs]
1043
00:44:01,472 --> 00:44:03,056
I got too into it, y'know?
1044
00:44:03,057 --> 00:44:04,974
Just pulled out a stick.
1045
00:44:04,975 --> 00:44:06,185
[laughter continues]
1046
00:44:07,436 --> 00:44:09,187
I was like, "That can't be right."
1047
00:44:09,188 --> 00:44:10,396
[audience laughs]
1048
00:44:10,397 --> 00:44:12,649
So I reached in my ear,
and I tried to get it, y'know?
1049
00:44:12,650 --> 00:44:15,026
I tried to pull the cotton out,
but I never got the cotton.
1050
00:44:15,027 --> 00:44:17,029
I guess my ear sucked it up.
1051
00:44:17,655 --> 00:44:19,405
It's like quicksand in there.
1052
00:44:19,406 --> 00:44:20,782
[audience chuckles]
1053
00:44:20,783 --> 00:44:23,409
So I think when my--
that cotton went down my ear canal,
1054
00:44:23,410 --> 00:44:25,662
I think my crystal got lodged up in there...
1055
00:44:25,663 --> 00:44:26,872
[audience laughs]
1056
00:44:27,915 --> 00:44:29,833
...and it took it down with it.
1057
00:44:31,627 --> 00:44:34,087
I don't know how all this
is connected in my brain, y'know?
1058
00:44:34,088 --> 00:44:38,633
I know that one doctor
can do the ear, nose, and throat, y'know?
1059
00:44:38,634 --> 00:44:39,885
[audience laughs]
1060
00:44:40,886 --> 00:44:42,595
So it must be connected in some way.
1061
00:44:42,596 --> 00:44:45,473
One day, I'd like to blow my nose
and be like, "Oh, there's that cotton."
1062
00:44:45,474 --> 00:44:47,433
- And, um...
- [audience laughs]
1063
00:44:47,434 --> 00:44:52,064
[chuckles] ...pull it out, dig through it,
find my crystal, pop it back in.
1064
00:44:52,690 --> 00:44:55,191
Be like, "Boom! I'm back, baby!"
1065
00:44:55,192 --> 00:44:57,735
[audience cheering and applauding]
1066
00:44:57,736 --> 00:44:58,779
Thank you.
1067
00:45:01,407 --> 00:45:02,532
[applause subsides]
1068
00:45:02,533 --> 00:45:05,993
But until then,
I'm just a little bit dizzy, and, uh...
1069
00:45:05,994 --> 00:45:07,078
[audience laughs]
1070
00:45:07,079 --> 00:45:09,914
[chuckles] ...have a lotta trouble
on a carousel.
1071
00:45:09,915 --> 00:45:11,124
[audience chuckles]
1072
00:45:11,125 --> 00:45:13,085
[chuckling] Y'know what I mean?
1073
00:45:14,169 --> 00:45:16,546
I don't know how ears work.
I don't know anything about ears.
1074
00:45:16,547 --> 00:45:20,466
But I fly a lot, and every time I fly,
it feels like the pressure from the plane
1075
00:45:20,467 --> 00:45:22,343
crushes my ear tubes.
1076
00:45:22,344 --> 00:45:26,306
And then I have to hold my nose and blow,
and it reinflates the tubes.
1077
00:45:26,807 --> 00:45:28,307
I don't know if that's what happens,
1078
00:45:28,308 --> 00:45:30,686
but that's what
it feels like is happenin'.
1079
00:45:31,562 --> 00:45:34,689
I can't breathe out of my ears, right?
I know that none of us can do that.
1080
00:45:34,690 --> 00:45:37,693
That's not something weird with me.
I know that none of us can do that.
1081
00:45:38,527 --> 00:45:41,738
But what I'm saying is,
I think I'm close to being able to do it.
1082
00:45:41,739 --> 00:45:42,990
[audience laughs]
1083
00:45:44,491 --> 00:45:47,828
I think I'm just four or five of these
away from popping that tube,
1084
00:45:48,328 --> 00:45:51,164
and then I'm just gettin' fresh air
in through the ears.
1085
00:45:51,165 --> 00:45:52,374
[audience laughs]
1086
00:45:53,459 --> 00:45:56,336
And that's somethin' I want.
That is somethin' I want.
1087
00:45:56,920 --> 00:45:58,880
I wanna be hard to suffocate.
1088
00:45:58,881 --> 00:46:00,299
[audience laughs]
1089
00:46:02,134 --> 00:46:04,260
You gotta have four hands to get me.
1090
00:46:04,261 --> 00:46:06,137
[audience laughing]
1091
00:46:06,138 --> 00:46:09,015
[whooping and applause]
1092
00:46:09,016 --> 00:46:10,100
[Dusty chuckles]
1093
00:46:11,685 --> 00:46:12,977
You wanna do it with a pillow?
1094
00:46:12,978 --> 00:46:15,897
It's gotta be a body pillow.
You gotta wrap it all the way around.
1095
00:46:15,898 --> 00:46:16,981
Tie it up!
1096
00:46:16,982 --> 00:46:18,691
[scattered chuckling]
1097
00:46:18,692 --> 00:46:22,780
I wanna get kidnapped and they go,
"He can't... We can't suffocate this guy."
1098
00:46:23,280 --> 00:46:24,906
"Let him go. Let him go."
1099
00:46:24,907 --> 00:46:26,491
[audience chuckling]
1100
00:46:26,492 --> 00:46:29,161
[Dusty chuckling]
1101
00:46:29,912 --> 00:46:31,580
That is somethin' I want.
1102
00:46:32,122 --> 00:46:34,332
That's some-- that's somethin' I'm into.
1103
00:46:34,333 --> 00:46:36,084
[scattered laughter]
1104
00:46:37,294 --> 00:46:39,295
What if there was
just enough poison in this bottle
1105
00:46:39,296 --> 00:46:41,506
that I had to drink
the whole thing to die?
1106
00:46:41,507 --> 00:46:42,674
[audience laughs]
1107
00:46:44,218 --> 00:46:46,260
At the end of the show,
I take the last sip,
1108
00:46:46,261 --> 00:46:47,678
collapse on the stage.
1109
00:46:47,679 --> 00:46:49,847
You guys think it's all part of the show,
1110
00:46:49,848 --> 00:46:52,183
start filing out,
you go, "What a great show."
1111
00:46:52,184 --> 00:46:53,602
[audience laughs]
1112
00:46:54,937 --> 00:46:57,647
[chuckles] And then you see
the ambulance pull up.
1113
00:46:57,648 --> 00:47:00,149
You're like,
"Wow, he's really diggin' into this, huh?"
1114
00:47:00,150 --> 00:47:01,526
[audience laughs]
1115
00:47:01,527 --> 00:47:03,444
"Gettin' into that bit."
1116
00:47:03,445 --> 00:47:04,779
[scattered chuckling]
1117
00:47:04,780 --> 00:47:05,864
[Dusty chuckles]
1118
00:47:06,990 --> 00:47:09,116
But I like havin' kids.
I'm a big fan of kids.
1119
00:47:09,117 --> 00:47:11,911
I never thought I would have kids.
I love it. I think it's the best.
1120
00:47:11,912 --> 00:47:14,455
So now I try to encourage
other people to have kids.
1121
00:47:14,456 --> 00:47:18,292
I'm always like, "If you don't have kids,
go home tonight and get pregnant."
1122
00:47:18,293 --> 00:47:21,505
I'm pushin' it on 'em.
I'm like, "Do it! Do it!"
1123
00:47:22,005 --> 00:47:25,007
I was talking to a friend of mine
one night outside a comedy club,
1124
00:47:25,008 --> 00:47:29,345
and she was out there smokin' a cigarette,
and, uh, I got her so fired up.
1125
00:47:29,346 --> 00:47:32,348
She was like, "Dang,
I wanna have a kid now too," y'know?
1126
00:47:32,349 --> 00:47:35,810
She goes, "But then again,
if I get pregnant, I gotta quit smokin'."
1127
00:47:35,811 --> 00:47:38,145
And I was like,
"Well, I don't know, y'know?"
1128
00:47:38,146 --> 00:47:39,523
[audience laughs]
1129
00:47:40,858 --> 00:47:43,569
Like, it's different
for everybody, y'know?
1130
00:47:44,361 --> 00:47:47,029
Like, for instance, my sister,
she smoked while she was pregnant,
1131
00:47:47,030 --> 00:47:50,157
and it only took her six months
to have a baby.
1132
00:47:50,158 --> 00:47:51,784
[audience laughing]
1133
00:47:51,785 --> 00:47:53,494
[chuckles] Gracias.
1134
00:47:53,495 --> 00:47:55,621
Ha. Okay.
1135
00:47:55,622 --> 00:47:57,331
[audience cheers]
1136
00:47:57,332 --> 00:47:58,417
[Dusty chuckles]
1137
00:47:59,126 --> 00:48:01,419
Nah, that is true though. And, um...
1138
00:48:01,420 --> 00:48:02,837
[audience laughs]
1139
00:48:02,838 --> 00:48:05,465
They're fine though.
That was years ago. They're fine.
1140
00:48:06,341 --> 00:48:08,509
But I think my sister liked it
at the time, y'know,
1141
00:48:08,510 --> 00:48:11,345
'cause the hospital
wanted to babysit for a while, so...
1142
00:48:11,346 --> 00:48:13,432
[audience laughing]
1143
00:48:14,766 --> 00:48:17,685
She got to go back to her trailer
and smoke cigarettes and...
1144
00:48:17,686 --> 00:48:18,811
[audience laughs]
1145
00:48:18,812 --> 00:48:20,646
...take care of her diabetes.
1146
00:48:20,647 --> 00:48:22,565
[laughter continues]
1147
00:48:22,566 --> 00:48:23,650
[Dusty chuckles]
1148
00:48:24,151 --> 00:48:26,944
My sister had, like,
the original diabetes, y'know?
1149
00:48:26,945 --> 00:48:30,156
I know nowadays
we got a couple of different kinds. Um...
1150
00:48:30,157 --> 00:48:32,742
And over the years,
we've developed a type 2, y'know,
1151
00:48:32,743 --> 00:48:34,493
so we'll call the original "type 1."
1152
00:48:34,494 --> 00:48:37,079
But back when I was growin' up,
there was just one kind.
1153
00:48:37,080 --> 00:48:40,499
So we didn't call it "type 1."
We just called it "diabetes" or whatever.
1154
00:48:40,500 --> 00:48:43,085
I don't know if that's true,
but that is how I remember it.
1155
00:48:43,086 --> 00:48:44,503
[audience laughs]
1156
00:48:44,504 --> 00:48:47,799
I don't remember there being
a lot of kinds of diabetes back then.
1157
00:48:48,300 --> 00:48:50,259
And my sister has the original, y'know?
1158
00:48:50,260 --> 00:48:53,429
It felt like nobody in my family
really knew a lot about diabetes, y'know,
1159
00:48:53,430 --> 00:48:55,514
'cause we'd be out playin'
when we were kids,
1160
00:48:55,515 --> 00:48:58,351
and my sister's blood sugar would get low
or whatever, and we'd be like...
1161
00:48:58,352 --> 00:49:00,562
And she would kinda zombie out out there.
1162
00:49:01,438 --> 00:49:03,940
And we're like,
"Why you being all quiet?" Y'know?
1163
00:49:03,941 --> 00:49:06,317
- [audience laughs]
- [Dusty chuckling]
1164
00:49:06,318 --> 00:49:08,152
And then she'd go to the hospital.
1165
00:49:08,153 --> 00:49:09,321
[audience laughs]
1166
00:49:12,199 --> 00:49:15,451
After a while, we realized, you just kinda
shove a Jolly Rancher in her mouth,
1167
00:49:15,452 --> 00:49:18,162
y'know, and she...
she'd kinda spring back to life.
1168
00:49:18,163 --> 00:49:19,705
[audience laughing]
1169
00:49:19,706 --> 00:49:23,001
And we're like, "All right, you're up!"
Y'know, "You're pitchin'." It's like...
1170
00:49:23,919 --> 00:49:25,796
"There's only three of us out here."
1171
00:49:26,630 --> 00:49:28,799
"Can't be sleepin'
on the mound like that."
1172
00:49:29,299 --> 00:49:30,675
[laughter continues]
1173
00:49:30,676 --> 00:49:32,761
[Dusty chuckling]
1174
00:49:33,679 --> 00:49:36,430
It's weird how, with diabetes,
like, candy could kill you
1175
00:49:36,431 --> 00:49:38,849
but also kinda bring you
back to life, y'know?
1176
00:49:38,850 --> 00:49:41,686
- [person coughing]
- It's... pretty crazy.
1177
00:49:41,687 --> 00:49:43,646
Somebody's suffocatin'
out there right now.
1178
00:49:43,647 --> 00:49:44,981
[audience laughs]
1179
00:49:44,982 --> 00:49:48,401
Don't know if you heard that, but there is
someone in the audience gaspin' for air.
1180
00:49:48,402 --> 00:49:49,777
[laughter continues]
1181
00:49:49,778 --> 00:49:51,029
You might check on 'em.
1182
00:49:51,780 --> 00:49:54,824
But someone is dyin' in the audience,
so if you wanna check that out.
1183
00:49:54,825 --> 00:49:56,283
[laughter continues]
1184
00:49:56,284 --> 00:49:59,120
This is a person that needs a CPAP
while they're awake.
1185
00:49:59,121 --> 00:50:00,622
[laughter continues]
1186
00:50:02,165 --> 00:50:07,546
[Dusty chuckling]
1187
00:50:08,630 --> 00:50:10,339
You're chokin' when you're awake.
1188
00:50:10,340 --> 00:50:11,842
[audience laughing]
1189
00:50:14,636 --> 00:50:17,388
[Dusty chuckling]
1190
00:50:17,389 --> 00:50:19,181
You go in to get a sleep test,
they're like,
1191
00:50:19,182 --> 00:50:21,225
"We started this when you walked in."
1192
00:50:21,226 --> 00:50:22,602
[audience laughs]
1193
00:50:24,062 --> 00:50:26,355
[Dusty chuckling]
1194
00:50:26,356 --> 00:50:27,356
Okay.
1195
00:50:27,357 --> 00:50:28,774
[chuckles] Okay.
1196
00:50:28,775 --> 00:50:30,526
- [inhales]
- [scattered laughter]
1197
00:50:30,527 --> 00:50:32,319
No, we're havin' a good time though.
1198
00:50:32,320 --> 00:50:34,781
- [audience cheering and applauding]
- Thank you.
1199
00:50:38,243 --> 00:50:39,368
[applause subsides]
1200
00:50:39,369 --> 00:50:41,871
We want everybody to breathe, y'know?
1201
00:50:41,872 --> 00:50:43,456
[scattered laughter]
1202
00:50:43,457 --> 00:50:44,958
It is good.
1203
00:50:46,293 --> 00:50:49,045
My sister used to go to the hospital
all the time, y'know?
1204
00:50:49,046 --> 00:50:51,464
And, uh, we never got to travel
growin' up, y'know?
1205
00:50:51,465 --> 00:50:53,340
So, when you never get to go anywhere,
1206
00:50:53,341 --> 00:50:56,677
even going to the hospital
is like a trip, y'know?
1207
00:50:56,678 --> 00:51:00,182
So my sister would go to the hospital,
and I'd be like, "I wanna go too," y'know?
1208
00:51:00,682 --> 00:51:03,309
"I wanna get out of the trailer park
for a while," y'know?
1209
00:51:03,310 --> 00:51:05,269
"I wanna mingle with the city folks."
1210
00:51:05,270 --> 00:51:08,230
- [audience chuckles]
- [chuckles] Y'know what I mean?
1211
00:51:08,231 --> 00:51:11,233
So we'd go down there, and my mom
and sister would do hospital stuff.
1212
00:51:11,234 --> 00:51:14,070
And I was a kid. I'd just kinda
play around in the hospital, y'know?
1213
00:51:14,071 --> 00:51:18,115
Messin' with the rubber gloves,
blowing 'em up, makin' balloon animals.
1214
00:51:18,116 --> 00:51:20,618
Y'know? Mainly, the turkey
is the animal that...
1215
00:51:20,619 --> 00:51:21,869
[audience laughs]
1216
00:51:21,870 --> 00:51:23,747
...that I did the best.
1217
00:51:24,331 --> 00:51:28,210
[chuckles] Be a lotta turkeys
around that hospital floor.
1218
00:51:28,960 --> 00:51:30,086
Really in the way.
1219
00:51:30,087 --> 00:51:31,379
Doctors trippin'.
1220
00:51:32,464 --> 00:51:34,381
[chuckles] I loved it though.
1221
00:51:34,382 --> 00:51:36,342
My... my sister would be in a coma,
1222
00:51:36,343 --> 00:51:37,468
and, uh...
1223
00:51:37,469 --> 00:51:38,719
[audience laughs]
1224
00:51:38,720 --> 00:51:41,348
...I'm putting gloves on my hand,
blowin' it up.
1225
00:51:41,848 --> 00:51:43,140
My mom's cryin'.
1226
00:51:43,141 --> 00:51:45,142
I'm like, "Look how big my hand is!"
1227
00:51:45,143 --> 00:51:46,645
[audience laughs]
1228
00:51:49,397 --> 00:51:51,482
It's fun being a kid, you know?
1229
00:51:51,483 --> 00:51:54,653
Just oblivious to everything
goin' on out here.
1230
00:51:56,071 --> 00:51:59,198
I'm like, "She gonna eat all that Jell-O
or what, man?"
1231
00:51:59,199 --> 00:52:00,408
[audience laughs]
1232
00:52:01,493 --> 00:52:03,829
"Dang, she's been asleep a long time."
1233
00:52:04,955 --> 00:52:07,581
"To be honest with ya, I wouldn't mind
gettin' into that puddin'."
1234
00:52:07,582 --> 00:52:08,582
[audience laughs]
1235
00:52:08,583 --> 00:52:11,127
[chuckling] It's like,
"Dang, I'm awake!" Y'know?
1236
00:52:11,128 --> 00:52:12,546
[laughter continues]
1237
00:52:13,672 --> 00:52:14,672
Okay.
1238
00:52:14,673 --> 00:52:16,216
[audience chuckling]
1239
00:52:16,925 --> 00:52:20,344
My sister, she used to go to the hospital
all the time, not just for diabetes.
1240
00:52:20,345 --> 00:52:22,304
She was on a four-wheeler
with her boyfriend,
1241
00:52:22,305 --> 00:52:24,932
and they accidentally ran through
a barbed wire fence.
1242
00:52:24,933 --> 00:52:26,308
- And, uh...
- [audience groans]
1243
00:52:26,309 --> 00:52:27,893
Yeah, that's not a full joke, is it?
1244
00:52:27,894 --> 00:52:29,603
- That's, uh...
- [audience laughs]
1245
00:52:29,604 --> 00:52:31,856
[laughs] Okay, they did get pretty hurt.
1246
00:52:31,857 --> 00:52:34,233
- And, uh...
- [audience laughs]
1247
00:52:34,234 --> 00:52:35,943
Another time, my sister, my other sister,
1248
00:52:35,944 --> 00:52:38,154
threw a frozen candy bar,
hit my sister in the head.
1249
00:52:38,155 --> 00:52:39,990
She had to get ten stitches.
1250
00:52:40,574 --> 00:52:43,450
Candy was tryin' to kill her
every time she turned around.
1251
00:52:43,451 --> 00:52:45,411
[audience laughs and applauds]
1252
00:52:45,412 --> 00:52:47,956
- [Dusty chuckling]
- [audience cheering]
1253
00:52:50,000 --> 00:52:52,836
Uh... [chuckles] Okay. And, uh...
1254
00:52:53,336 --> 00:52:56,423
- [awkwardly] Okay. And, uh...
- [audience chuckling]
1255
00:52:57,924 --> 00:53:01,177
I've had a lotta car wrecks.
I've wrecked a lotta cars. [mumbles]
1256
00:53:01,178 --> 00:53:05,264
Been through a lotta cars.
I used to have a 1982 Buick LeSabre.
1257
00:53:05,265 --> 00:53:07,641
- [man] Whoo!
- Real big car, used a lotta gas.
1258
00:53:07,642 --> 00:53:10,227
It was a good car though.
I used to make this joke at work.
1259
00:53:10,228 --> 00:53:11,937
I'd be like, "That car uses so much gas,
1260
00:53:11,938 --> 00:53:14,357
I bet it's using gas right now
in the parking lot."
1261
00:53:15,108 --> 00:53:17,401
It's a great work joke.
People love that joke.
1262
00:53:17,402 --> 00:53:18,527
[audience laughs]
1263
00:53:18,528 --> 00:53:21,822
That joke crushes in a Home Depot
break room, I'll tell you that.
1264
00:53:21,823 --> 00:53:23,200
[audience laughs]
1265
00:53:25,076 --> 00:53:27,786
One guy didn't get it.
He goes, "Hell, you might have a leak."
1266
00:53:27,787 --> 00:53:29,497
[audience laughing]
1267
00:53:33,501 --> 00:53:35,754
I was like, "Nah, I don't think so, but..."
1268
00:53:36,254 --> 00:53:39,006
I did have a car that leaked
a lotta oil for a while, y'know?
1269
00:53:39,007 --> 00:53:40,842
And I like that in a car, y'know?
1270
00:53:41,343 --> 00:53:43,594
Like, you leak a little oil,
pour a little in there.
1271
00:53:43,595 --> 00:53:45,846
Leak a little oil, pour a little in there.
1272
00:53:45,847 --> 00:53:47,431
Never get an oil change.
1273
00:53:47,432 --> 00:53:48,808
[audience laughs]
1274
00:53:50,560 --> 00:53:53,187
People like, "When's the last time
you changed the oil on this car?"
1275
00:53:53,188 --> 00:53:55,147
I'm like, "It's changin' right now."
1276
00:53:55,148 --> 00:53:57,025
[audience laughing]
1277
00:54:00,654 --> 00:54:03,281
"All right?
This car is efficient here, buddy. Okay?"
1278
00:54:03,782 --> 00:54:07,201
I don't have to go down to Jiffy Lube
and get ripped off on an air filter.
1279
00:54:07,202 --> 00:54:08,578
[scattered laughter]
1280
00:54:09,746 --> 00:54:11,538
I love that.
You go to some oil-change place,
1281
00:54:11,539 --> 00:54:13,207
and they pull out this dirty air filter.
1282
00:54:13,208 --> 00:54:15,501
I'm like, "Put it back in there!"
1283
00:54:15,502 --> 00:54:16,878
[audience laughs]
1284
00:54:18,380 --> 00:54:22,008
You see 'em across the shop.
You're like, "Put it back in there!"
1285
00:54:23,009 --> 00:54:26,137
"Yeah, it's dirty.
It's workin', man. Okay?"
1286
00:54:26,638 --> 00:54:29,223
"Might wanna check that thing
for a hard hat, okay?"
1287
00:54:29,224 --> 00:54:30,432
[audience laughs]
1288
00:54:30,433 --> 00:54:32,852
- [cheering and applauding]
- [Dusty chuckles]
1289
00:54:34,020 --> 00:54:35,438
Okay.
1290
00:54:36,481 --> 00:54:38,399
- [breathes deeply]
- [applause subsides]
1291
00:54:38,400 --> 00:54:41,819
Before that car, I had a...
I had a 1999 Saturn.
1292
00:54:41,820 --> 00:54:44,446
Uh, four-door, dark blue, gray bumpers.
1293
00:54:44,447 --> 00:54:45,781
Real hot car.
1294
00:54:45,782 --> 00:54:47,658
- [audience chuckling]
- [woman] Whoo!
1295
00:54:47,659 --> 00:54:50,577
Stick shift, no power steering.
Real hard to drive.
1296
00:54:50,578 --> 00:54:51,871
[audience laughs]
1297
00:54:52,831 --> 00:54:55,499
Manual everything.
There wasn't a button in that car.
1298
00:54:55,500 --> 00:54:56,876
[audience laughs]
1299
00:54:58,753 --> 00:55:01,464
[chuckles] I flipped it.
I flipped that car.
1300
00:55:02,048 --> 00:55:03,299
I used to drink and drive a lot.
1301
00:55:03,300 --> 00:55:05,718
I'm not braggin' about it,
but I did used to do it a lot.
1302
00:55:05,719 --> 00:55:08,512
And, uh, flipped that car.
I think I did a full roll.
1303
00:55:08,513 --> 00:55:13,017
I don't know. I was blacked out.
But I... broke off both side mirrors.
1304
00:55:13,018 --> 00:55:15,269
So I think that's a full roll, when you...
1305
00:55:15,270 --> 00:55:17,313
- [audience laughs]
- [mumbles]
1306
00:55:17,314 --> 00:55:20,024
But I landed upside down
in some kinda swamp area.
1307
00:55:20,025 --> 00:55:22,985
And, uh, I was alone.
Nobody got hurt, y'know?
1308
00:55:22,986 --> 00:55:26,530
I crawled out the window,
I lost my glasses and my flip-flops.
1309
00:55:26,531 --> 00:55:28,407
- [audience laughs]
- [chuckles]
1310
00:55:28,408 --> 00:55:30,576
I was a different guy back then, y'know?
1311
00:55:30,577 --> 00:55:31,952
[audience laughs]
1312
00:55:31,953 --> 00:55:34,413
I was livin' that salt life.
Y'know what I mean?
1313
00:55:34,414 --> 00:55:37,249
- [audience laughing and cheering]
- Thank you. Thank you.
1314
00:55:37,250 --> 00:55:38,709
- Yeah.
- [whooping]
1315
00:55:38,710 --> 00:55:39,793
[Dusty chuckles]
1316
00:55:39,794 --> 00:55:42,880
Messed around, had one too many margaritas
down at the crab shack.
1317
00:55:42,881 --> 00:55:44,465
- And, uh...
- [audience laughs]
1318
00:55:44,466 --> 00:55:47,302
[chuckling] ...I lost control.
1319
00:55:47,969 --> 00:55:50,220
I'm standin' out in the middle
of the road. It's December.
1320
00:55:50,221 --> 00:55:53,640
I'm cold. I'm wet.
I got no shoes. I got no glasses.
1321
00:55:53,641 --> 00:55:56,185
And I'm like...
I'm about to walk home, y'know?
1322
00:55:56,186 --> 00:55:59,229
I didn't know if I'd get in trouble
for leavin' the scene of the accident,
1323
00:55:59,230 --> 00:56:01,523
but I knew I'd get in trouble if I stayed.
1324
00:56:01,524 --> 00:56:03,276
[audience laughs]
1325
00:56:05,070 --> 00:56:06,570
[chuckling]
1326
00:56:06,571 --> 00:56:09,199
I was like,
"We gotta get outta here, y'know?"
1327
00:56:10,283 --> 00:56:12,159
And this guy pulled up in a van,
1328
00:56:12,160 --> 00:56:14,161
and he goes, "Do you need a ride?"
1329
00:56:14,162 --> 00:56:15,704
And I was like, "Yes, I do."
1330
00:56:15,705 --> 00:56:16,789
[audience chuckles]
1331
00:56:16,790 --> 00:56:18,832
He's like, "Is that your car, upside down,
1332
00:56:18,833 --> 00:56:21,085
with the headlights
pointed at the woods like that?"
1333
00:56:21,086 --> 00:56:22,294
[audience chuckling]
1334
00:56:22,295 --> 00:56:24,922
[chuckles] I was like, "What's that?"
1335
00:56:24,923 --> 00:56:26,549
[audience laughs]
1336
00:56:29,260 --> 00:56:30,886
"Nah, that ain't my car, man."
1337
00:56:30,887 --> 00:56:33,430
"But that looks bad though.
Let's get outta here."
1338
00:56:33,431 --> 00:56:34,765
[audience laughs]
1339
00:56:34,766 --> 00:56:37,560
"We gotta get outta here right now.
Let's get outta here."
1340
00:56:39,104 --> 00:56:41,313
And this guy drove me home
in the middle of the night.
1341
00:56:41,314 --> 00:56:42,981
And I was so thankful for this guy.
1342
00:56:42,982 --> 00:56:45,943
I was like, "I can't believe this guy
just gave me a ride home like that."
1343
00:56:45,944 --> 00:56:49,406
I wanted to tip him, y'know,
like he was some sort of Uber driver.
1344
00:56:49,906 --> 00:56:52,616
So I just reached in my pocket,
I grabbed whatever money was in there,
1345
00:56:52,617 --> 00:56:55,452
handed it to the guy,
and then I went inside and went to sleep.
1346
00:56:55,453 --> 00:56:57,621
Next morning, I woke up,
checked my pocket,
1347
00:56:57,622 --> 00:56:59,248
all my money was still there.
1348
00:56:59,249 --> 00:57:02,418
So I guess I just gave this guy,
like, a lotta receipts.
1349
00:57:02,419 --> 00:57:03,795
[audience laughs]
1350
00:57:04,879 --> 00:57:06,171
[man] Whoo!
1351
00:57:06,172 --> 00:57:08,132
This guy's flippin' through bar tabs.
1352
00:57:08,133 --> 00:57:11,051
He's like, "I'm starting to think
it was that guy's car."
1353
00:57:11,052 --> 00:57:13,053
[laughter and applause]
1354
00:57:13,054 --> 00:57:15,514
- [chuckles] Know what I mean?
- [audience cheers]
1355
00:57:15,515 --> 00:57:16,515
Okay.
1356
00:57:16,516 --> 00:57:18,475
[audience whooping]
1357
00:57:18,476 --> 00:57:19,476
Can you imagine that?
1358
00:57:19,477 --> 00:57:22,187
You give a guy a ride home
in the middle of the night like that,
1359
00:57:22,188 --> 00:57:23,647
do a nice thing, get to his house,
1360
00:57:23,648 --> 00:57:27,569
and he goes,
"Here, take this trash for me too, buddy."
1361
00:57:28,194 --> 00:57:31,656
"Yeah, appreciate the ride.
Throw this out though on the way home."
1362
00:57:32,740 --> 00:57:35,577
"Yeah, I got a big day tomorrow.
I got a lot goin' on."
1363
00:57:36,578 --> 00:57:39,956
"Yeah, I got a big day.
Tryin' to get my life together tomorrow."
1364
00:57:40,540 --> 00:57:43,126
"Yeah, I gotta call my insurance company."
1365
00:57:44,169 --> 00:57:46,420
"I got a lotta lying to do tomorrow."
1366
00:57:46,421 --> 00:57:48,338
[audience laughing]
1367
00:57:48,339 --> 00:57:49,424
[chuckles]
1368
00:57:50,675 --> 00:57:52,634
I've wrecked every car I've ever owned,
1369
00:57:52,635 --> 00:57:55,137
uh, to some degree, y'know?
1370
00:57:55,138 --> 00:57:58,140
Uh, not totaled every car,
but I've wrecked every one of 'em.
1371
00:57:58,141 --> 00:58:00,810
And sometimes,
I just destroy the inside of a car.
1372
00:58:01,895 --> 00:58:05,105
I've gotten food poison... I used to get
food poisoning a lot back in the day.
1373
00:58:05,106 --> 00:58:07,275
You ever gotten food poisoning in the car?
1374
00:58:07,775 --> 00:58:09,485
No? Maybe that's not
the right way to ask it.
1375
00:58:09,486 --> 00:58:11,987
- [audience chuckling]
- Let me ask it like this.
1376
00:58:11,988 --> 00:58:15,699
You ever, uh... you ever thrown up
on the inside of your own windshield?
1377
00:58:15,700 --> 00:58:17,743
[audience laughs and groans]
1378
00:58:17,744 --> 00:58:18,912
[Dusty chuckles]
1379
00:58:19,829 --> 00:58:22,581
I don't mean hit the dash
and work its way to the windshield.
1380
00:58:22,582 --> 00:58:26,543
I mean, windshield first,
splashin' back on the knuckles.
1381
00:58:26,544 --> 00:58:28,420
- Y'know what I mean?
- [audience laughs]
1382
00:58:28,421 --> 00:58:30,507
[Dusty chuckling]
1383
00:58:31,424 --> 00:58:34,426
Okay. It's goin' down
in the vents up there.
1384
00:58:34,427 --> 00:58:36,595
[audience laughs and groans]
1385
00:58:36,596 --> 00:58:38,305
[chuckles]
1386
00:58:38,306 --> 00:58:41,517
I never could defrost well after that,
y'know what I mean?
1387
00:58:41,518 --> 00:58:42,976
[scattered laughter]
1388
00:58:42,977 --> 00:58:45,021
[blows] You know what I mean.
1389
00:58:46,189 --> 00:58:47,357
Okay.
1390
00:58:48,024 --> 00:58:50,109
I was feeling sick that day, y'know?
1391
00:58:50,610 --> 00:58:52,861
Not real sick.
Like, I wasn't really nauseous.
1392
00:58:52,862 --> 00:58:55,656
I just had a lotta sharp,
stabbin' pains in my stomach.
1393
00:58:55,657 --> 00:58:57,199
[scattered laughter]
1394
00:58:57,200 --> 00:58:59,284
I just kept thinkin',
"Y'know, I just need to..."
1395
00:58:59,285 --> 00:59:02,454
Well, my stomach...
my stomach was real hard, y'know?
1396
00:59:02,455 --> 00:59:04,331
Hard in a way
I'd like it to be all the time,
1397
00:59:04,332 --> 00:59:07,961
but... a lot more swollen than I would like.
1398
00:59:08,795 --> 00:59:11,171
And I just kept thinking,
y'know, "I just need to burp."
1399
00:59:11,172 --> 00:59:15,676
"If I could just burp,
I would really feel a lot better, y'know?"
1400
00:59:15,677 --> 00:59:18,011
I don't like the word "burp."
I know that's a gross word.
1401
00:59:18,012 --> 00:59:19,096
I hate the word "burp."
1402
00:59:19,097 --> 00:59:21,014
I wish there were a better word, y'know?
1403
00:59:21,015 --> 00:59:23,016
Some people will say "belch."
1404
00:59:23,017 --> 00:59:24,685
[audience laughing]
1405
00:59:24,686 --> 00:59:27,104
I'm like, "Nah, that's a worse word for..."
1406
00:59:27,105 --> 00:59:28,647
[laughter continues]
1407
00:59:28,648 --> 00:59:29,940
That's what the doctor says.
1408
00:59:29,941 --> 00:59:32,944
I went to the doctor.
They were like, "You been belchin' a lot?"
1409
00:59:33,903 --> 00:59:37,198
Pff, I'm like, "Honestly, I don't even
drink grape juice, y'know what I mean?"
1410
00:59:37,699 --> 00:59:39,324
Okay, that's a good joke though.
1411
00:59:39,325 --> 00:59:41,619
- [audience laughs and applauds]
- Ha-ha!
1412
00:59:43,329 --> 00:59:46,039
- No, it is a good joke though.
- [scattered chuckling]
1413
00:59:46,040 --> 00:59:48,292
I just needed to burp.
I was like, "I just need to burp."
1414
00:59:48,293 --> 00:59:52,462
So I stopped, and I got myself a Sprite,
and, uh, I get back in the car.
1415
00:59:52,463 --> 00:59:55,341
I'm drivin' down the road,
drinkin' the thirst quencher...
1416
00:59:55,842 --> 00:59:58,510
[chuckles] ...and my stomach
starts to rumble a bit,
1417
00:59:58,511 --> 01:00:00,762
and I go, "Okay, here we go," y'know?
1418
01:00:00,763 --> 01:00:03,599
I'm gettin' excited about it,
'cause I know a burp's comin'.
1419
01:00:03,600 --> 01:00:07,353
And a burp is all I need to get me back
to where I need to be, y'know?
1420
01:00:07,937 --> 01:00:11,273
I'm startin' to prepare some kinda
post-burp celebration, y'know?
1421
01:00:11,274 --> 01:00:12,608
[scattered laughter]
1422
01:00:12,609 --> 01:00:14,193
I'm excited about it.
1423
01:00:14,694 --> 01:00:16,404
And finally, the burp comes.
1424
01:00:16,904 --> 01:00:19,574
And it was so much more than a burp.
1425
01:00:20,158 --> 01:00:23,745
I never saw it coming.
It came out like a pressure washer. Right?
1426
01:00:24,287 --> 01:00:26,163
I thought I'd cracked the windshield.
1427
01:00:26,164 --> 01:00:27,456
[audience laughs]
1428
01:00:27,457 --> 01:00:29,374
I was just happy
I had a headrest that day.
1429
01:00:29,375 --> 01:00:31,668
I mighta snapped my neck in that car.
1430
01:00:31,669 --> 01:00:33,254
[audience laughing]
1431
01:00:35,006 --> 01:00:36,465
[scattered whooping]
1432
01:00:36,466 --> 01:00:40,011
[chuckles] It was just sheer power, man.
1433
01:00:40,595 --> 01:00:42,388
I never seen anything like it.
1434
01:00:42,889 --> 01:00:44,556
Not up until that point or after.
1435
01:00:44,557 --> 01:00:48,602
It was... just an anomaly of an experience.
1436
01:00:48,603 --> 01:00:50,396
It was so wild!
1437
01:00:50,897 --> 01:00:53,273
- I was on the interstate that day.
- [shocked laughter]
1438
01:00:53,274 --> 01:00:56,277
Yeah. But I was in standstill traffic.
1439
01:00:57,278 --> 01:00:58,320
Cars all around me.
1440
01:00:58,321 --> 01:00:59,780
Middle of the day. Hot day.
1441
01:00:59,781 --> 01:01:01,323
Wet heat. Y'know what I mean?
1442
01:01:01,324 --> 01:01:02,949
- [audience laughs]
- [man] Whoo!
1443
01:01:02,950 --> 01:01:04,993
[audience whooping]
1444
01:01:04,994 --> 01:01:06,788
[Dusty chuckles]
1445
01:01:07,664 --> 01:01:10,082
I was somewhere in between
Wilmington, North Carolina
1446
01:01:10,083 --> 01:01:11,792
and Shallotte, North Carolina.
1447
01:01:11,793 --> 01:01:14,462
And, uh, I like to let people know
where I was at
1448
01:01:14,962 --> 01:01:17,047
'cause I've been lookin' for somebody
1449
01:01:17,048 --> 01:01:19,549
that might have been
on the interstate that day...
1450
01:01:19,550 --> 01:01:21,051
[audience laughs]
1451
01:01:21,052 --> 01:01:22,804
...and saw what happened.
1452
01:01:23,304 --> 01:01:25,639
I'm looking for a witness.
Y'know what I mean?
1453
01:01:25,640 --> 01:01:27,724
Like, I know what it looked like to me.
1454
01:01:27,725 --> 01:01:29,226
[audience chuckling]
1455
01:01:29,227 --> 01:01:31,770
I wanna know what it looked like
to other people.
1456
01:01:31,771 --> 01:01:33,147
[audience laughing]
1457
01:01:34,023 --> 01:01:36,192
I wanna know what they saw that day.
1458
01:01:37,110 --> 01:01:38,653
How'd it make 'em feel?
1459
01:01:39,779 --> 01:01:41,864
What'd it make 'em think about, y'know?
1460
01:01:43,533 --> 01:01:46,034
I like to think it was somebody
havin' a rough day.
1461
01:01:46,035 --> 01:01:47,327
[scattered laughter]
1462
01:01:47,328 --> 01:01:48,453
Some... [chuckles]
1463
01:01:48,454 --> 01:01:50,831
Just some guy
just sittin' out there in his car,
1464
01:01:50,832 --> 01:01:53,125
stuck in five o'clock traffic again.
1465
01:01:53,126 --> 01:01:54,960
He's like, "Ugh!"
1466
01:01:54,961 --> 01:01:57,212
He's like, "I hate my job."
1467
01:01:57,213 --> 01:01:58,755
"I hate my car."
1468
01:01:58,756 --> 01:02:01,925
"I'm about to go home. I hate my house."
1469
01:02:01,926 --> 01:02:03,593
"I hate my family."
1470
01:02:03,594 --> 01:02:04,761
[audience chuckling]
1471
01:02:04,762 --> 01:02:07,515
He's like, "My life sucks, man."
1472
01:02:08,015 --> 01:02:09,474
And then he looks over...
1473
01:02:09,475 --> 01:02:10,893
[audience laughs]
1474
01:02:11,853 --> 01:02:14,020
[chuckles] He looks over,
1475
01:02:14,021 --> 01:02:16,773
and I'm throwing up in my own windshield?
1476
01:02:16,774 --> 01:02:19,526
- [laughter continues]
- [man] Whoo!
1477
01:02:19,527 --> 01:02:23,321
[chuckles] And he's like,
"Well, it's not that bad."
1478
01:02:23,322 --> 01:02:25,115
[audience laughing and whooping]
1479
01:02:25,116 --> 01:02:26,200
[Dusty chuckles]
1480
01:02:26,868 --> 01:02:29,035
- [audience cheering and applauding]
- Right.
1481
01:02:29,036 --> 01:02:31,539
Okay. Thank you. Thank you.
1482
01:02:32,915 --> 01:02:34,916
[woman] Whoo-whoo!
1483
01:02:34,917 --> 01:02:38,378
He's like, "Sure, there are some things
I'd like to change, y'know..."
1484
01:02:38,379 --> 01:02:39,337
[audience laughs]
1485
01:02:39,338 --> 01:02:42,633
"...but I'm not throwin' up
in my own windshield
1486
01:02:43,342 --> 01:02:45,719
like some kinda loser out here."
1487
01:02:45,720 --> 01:02:47,179
[scattered laughter]
1488
01:02:47,180 --> 01:02:49,932
I like to think
I changed his life that day, y'know?
1489
01:02:50,808 --> 01:02:53,059
Wasn't over for me though. I had to...
1490
01:02:53,060 --> 01:02:56,314
I had to pull off to the side of the road.
I kept throwin' up.
1491
01:02:57,148 --> 01:02:59,566
[chuckles] Nobody stopped to help.
1492
01:02:59,567 --> 01:03:01,234
[audience laughs]
1493
01:03:01,235 --> 01:03:03,237
Who would though, y'know?
1494
01:03:03,863 --> 01:03:07,575
I'll help a stranger change a tire,
but if you're throwin' up like that,
1495
01:03:08,075 --> 01:03:11,703
you could be a friend and I'm rollin' up
the windows, lockin' the doors.
1496
01:03:11,704 --> 01:03:12,871
[audience laughing]
1497
01:03:12,872 --> 01:03:16,083
[chuckles] I'm like, "I don't think so.
You handle that on your own. I'm not..."
1498
01:03:16,709 --> 01:03:18,961
"I'm not getting that on me, y'know?"
1499
01:03:19,796 --> 01:03:23,924
I wasn't ready for it. Nobody is, y'know?
I wasn't go... I wasn't... [chuckles]
1500
01:03:23,925 --> 01:03:25,884
[audience laughing]
1501
01:03:25,885 --> 01:03:27,969
I wasn't going to the beach
that day, y'know?
1502
01:03:27,970 --> 01:03:30,973
I didn't have
a lotta extra towels in the car.
1503
01:03:31,766 --> 01:03:33,642
I had four Burger King napkins.
1504
01:03:33,643 --> 01:03:35,394
[audience laughs]
1505
01:03:36,979 --> 01:03:38,355
[chuckles] Yeah.
1506
01:03:38,356 --> 01:03:41,149
Had to use two of those
to wipe my own mustache.
1507
01:03:41,150 --> 01:03:42,819
[audience laughing]
1508
01:03:46,322 --> 01:03:48,907
- The smell never goes away.
- [audience groans]
1509
01:03:48,908 --> 01:03:52,619
I know that's gross,
but... the smell never goes away.
1510
01:03:52,620 --> 01:03:55,330
I gave somebody a ride
the next day in that car.
1511
01:03:55,331 --> 01:03:57,707
- [audience groans]
- [chuckles] I know.
1512
01:03:57,708 --> 01:04:00,877
I was like, "Listen, I'll give you a ride,
but you'll wish you walked,
1513
01:04:00,878 --> 01:04:01,962
I'll tell you that."
1514
01:04:01,963 --> 01:04:03,713
[audience laughs]
1515
01:04:03,714 --> 01:04:07,259
But he was like,
"I just need to pawn a couple of DVDs!"
1516
01:04:07,260 --> 01:04:09,302
[audience laughs and applauds]
1517
01:04:09,303 --> 01:04:12,014
- [audience cheering]
- [Dusty chuckling]
1518
01:04:15,601 --> 01:04:17,769
- [applause subsides]
- "It's not a big deal."
1519
01:04:17,770 --> 01:04:19,187
No, the smell never goes away.
1520
01:04:19,188 --> 01:04:21,732
I gave somebody a ride
a couple of years later.
1521
01:04:22,400 --> 01:04:25,403
- They go, "D'you just throw up in here?"
- [audience laughs]
1522
01:04:25,987 --> 01:04:28,614
[chuckles] I go,
"No, it was years ago, but, uh,
1523
01:04:29,365 --> 01:04:31,450
seems like it was yesterday, doesn't it?"
1524
01:04:33,327 --> 01:04:35,996
I traded that car in.
They drove it off a cliff.
1525
01:04:35,997 --> 01:04:37,415
[audience laughs]
1526
01:04:38,124 --> 01:04:40,333
Right there in front of me.
They're like, "Don't ever...
1527
01:04:40,334 --> 01:04:42,795
don't ever bring a car
like this in here again."
1528
01:04:43,838 --> 01:04:46,382
"We'll take this one,
but don't you do it again."
1529
01:04:47,300 --> 01:04:49,801
"We don't even want that car on the lot."
1530
01:04:49,802 --> 01:04:51,803
[scattered laughter]
1531
01:04:51,804 --> 01:04:52,889
[chuckles]
1532
01:04:53,639 --> 01:04:56,434
"One test-drive
ruined our reputation here."
1533
01:04:57,184 --> 01:04:58,435
Nah, that's gross though.
1534
01:04:58,436 --> 01:05:00,979
I don't like to do
a lotta gross jokes like that, y'know?
1535
01:05:00,980 --> 01:05:03,899
I'm not into a lotta throw-up jokes.
That's not my thing.
1536
01:05:03,900 --> 01:05:06,484
I don't like a lotta gross...
I don't like a lotta throw-up jokes.
1537
01:05:06,485 --> 01:05:10,405
I don't like a lotta fart jokes.
I'm not into that sort of stuff, y'know?
1538
01:05:10,406 --> 01:05:14,117
I know a lotta guys that are kinda like
fart in your area, y'know?
1539
01:05:14,118 --> 01:05:16,662
And that's a big joke to them.
It's very funny.
1540
01:05:17,163 --> 01:05:18,747
That's not my kinda joke, y'know?
1541
01:05:18,748 --> 01:05:21,083
If I gotta fart,
I try to go off to the side.
1542
01:05:21,834 --> 01:05:24,170
I try to be very discreet
about it, y'know?
1543
01:05:24,670 --> 01:05:27,924
But it feels like
no matter where I go to let one out,
1544
01:05:28,424 --> 01:05:29,591
somebody pops up.
1545
01:05:29,592 --> 01:05:31,093
[audience laughs]
1546
01:05:32,094 --> 01:05:35,056
I could go into a closet to let out a few,
1547
01:05:35,681 --> 01:05:36,765
somebody will pop up.
1548
01:05:36,766 --> 01:05:38,725
"Hey, dude, what's goin' on in here?"
1549
01:05:38,726 --> 01:05:40,268
[laughter continues]
1550
01:05:40,269 --> 01:05:42,396
"You fartin' in here or what, man?"
1551
01:05:43,940 --> 01:05:46,108
"You should get back out
to the party, y'know?"
1552
01:05:46,984 --> 01:05:48,986
"Instead of fartin' in here all night."
1553
01:05:49,946 --> 01:05:52,530
"Blowin' up all the coats, y'know?"
1554
01:05:52,531 --> 01:05:54,617
[laughter continues, subsides]
1555
01:05:56,494 --> 01:05:59,163
"You're not supposed to be
breathin' that in, y'know?"
1556
01:05:59,872 --> 01:06:02,248
"That's why you're gettin'
all dizzy like that."
1557
01:06:02,249 --> 01:06:03,833
[audience laughs]
1558
01:06:03,834 --> 01:06:04,876
[Dusty chuckles]
1559
01:06:04,877 --> 01:06:06,252
[scattered laughter]
1560
01:06:06,253 --> 01:06:08,505
If I fart and somebody walks up to me,
1561
01:06:08,506 --> 01:06:10,757
I just go ahead
and let 'em know what happened.
1562
01:06:10,758 --> 01:06:12,050
[audience laughs]
1563
01:06:12,051 --> 01:06:15,388
I go, "Hey, I just want you to know,
I just farted here, okay?"
1564
01:06:16,514 --> 01:06:17,515
[chuckles]
1565
01:06:18,641 --> 01:06:20,976
'Cause I would rather
you know that I farted
1566
01:06:20,977 --> 01:06:24,604
than leave the conversation
thinkin' I smell like farts.
1567
01:06:24,605 --> 01:06:26,356
[audience laughing]
1568
01:06:26,357 --> 01:06:27,400
[man] Whoo!
1569
01:06:28,109 --> 01:06:29,985
- [Dusty chuckles]
- [man whooping]
1570
01:06:29,986 --> 01:06:32,320
"I want you to know
somethin' went down here."
1571
01:06:32,321 --> 01:06:33,780
Y'know what I mean?
1572
01:06:33,781 --> 01:06:35,073
[chuckles]
1573
01:06:35,074 --> 01:06:37,659
"Like, if you'd showed up
about 30 seconds earlier,
1574
01:06:37,660 --> 01:06:39,119
it wouldn't be like this."
1575
01:06:39,120 --> 01:06:40,328
[audience laughs]
1576
01:06:40,329 --> 01:06:42,831
"Or a couple of minutes later,
it'd be clear, y'know?"
1577
01:06:42,832 --> 01:06:45,709
"But you happened to come
right when a thing happened."
1578
01:06:45,710 --> 01:06:47,086
[audience chuckling]
1579
01:06:48,004 --> 01:06:51,007
"I don't want you thinkin'
I smell like this all the time."
1580
01:06:52,967 --> 01:06:55,385
I don't know why
I keep farting in elevators.
1581
01:06:55,386 --> 01:06:56,761
[audience laughing]
1582
01:06:56,762 --> 01:06:58,638
I don't want to, y'know?
1583
01:06:58,639 --> 01:07:00,473
I'm not lookin' to do it.
1584
01:07:00,474 --> 01:07:03,601
I stay in a lotta hotels,
and I got these long, empty hallways,
1585
01:07:03,602 --> 01:07:05,895
practically abandoned hallways,
I can walk down.
1586
01:07:05,896 --> 01:07:07,731
I can do whatever I want in there.
1587
01:07:07,732 --> 01:07:10,817
Some of these hotels are so bad
I could start a small fire in there
1588
01:07:10,818 --> 01:07:13,362
and nobody would know, y'know?
1589
01:07:13,863 --> 01:07:15,739
But somehow, I get to that elevator
1590
01:07:15,740 --> 01:07:18,742
and my body's like,
"Nah, this is where it's gonna happen."
1591
01:07:18,743 --> 01:07:19,826
[audience laughs]
1592
01:07:19,827 --> 01:07:22,413
"Yeah, you got your own
little private area here."
1593
01:07:22,913 --> 01:07:25,790
"This is where it's gonna happen."
[chuckles]
1594
01:07:25,791 --> 01:07:28,502
I did it in an elevator in Vegas one time.
1595
01:07:29,003 --> 01:07:31,172
I got on the elevator on the 30th floor.
1596
01:07:31,672 --> 01:07:33,381
I was all alone in there.
1597
01:07:33,382 --> 01:07:35,633
Passed a little gas, y'know?
1598
01:07:35,634 --> 01:07:38,928
Not a big deal,
but you could smell it though, y'know?
1599
01:07:38,929 --> 01:07:41,306
[scattered laughter]
1600
01:07:41,307 --> 01:07:45,268
I dropped down one floor, to floor 29,
and the doors open up.
1601
01:07:45,269 --> 01:07:47,937
Two of the most attractive women
I've ever seen in my life...
1602
01:07:47,938 --> 01:07:49,647
- [audience laughing]
- [man] Whoo!
1603
01:07:49,648 --> 01:07:51,776
...were standin' there waitin' to get in.
1604
01:07:52,359 --> 01:07:53,651
I just got out.
1605
01:07:53,652 --> 01:07:55,196
[audience laughs]
1606
01:07:56,197 --> 01:07:57,198
[Dusty chuckles]
1607
01:07:59,867 --> 01:08:02,661
I was like,
"Nah, I got business on floor 29."
1608
01:08:03,454 --> 01:08:04,454
I'm like, "This 29?"
1609
01:08:04,455 --> 01:08:07,166
"Yeah, couldn't find the stairs,
but I'm lookin' for 29."
1610
01:08:07,666 --> 01:08:10,126
"This is 29? Yeah, I'm looking for 29."
1611
01:08:10,127 --> 01:08:11,961
Like, they'll know it's me, right?
1612
01:08:11,962 --> 01:08:14,673
But I'm not gonna ride 29 floors with ya,
1613
01:08:15,758 --> 01:08:17,759
hangin' my head in shame.
1614
01:08:17,760 --> 01:08:19,386
[audience laughing]
1615
01:08:20,304 --> 01:08:23,557
I just feel bad for them
when they get down to floor 28
1616
01:08:24,517 --> 01:08:26,435
and the doors open again.
1617
01:08:27,436 --> 01:08:29,104
Now they gotta get out.
1618
01:08:29,105 --> 01:08:30,731
[audience laughs]
1619
01:08:31,482 --> 01:08:32,482
[man whoops]
1620
01:08:32,483 --> 01:08:34,901
I get back in on 29...
1621
01:08:34,902 --> 01:08:36,945
[scattered laughter]
1622
01:08:36,946 --> 01:08:38,947
...pick them up on 28...
1623
01:08:38,948 --> 01:08:40,281
[audience laughs]
1624
01:08:40,282 --> 01:08:43,827
[chuckles] I'm like,
"Ah, it's a pretty good elevator, huh?"
1625
01:08:43,828 --> 01:08:45,161
[laughter continues]
1626
01:08:45,162 --> 01:08:47,664
- "What brand is this?"
- [laughter rises]
1627
01:08:47,665 --> 01:08:49,666
All right. Hey, thank you very much, guys.
1628
01:08:49,667 --> 01:08:51,626
- [raucous cheering]
- I appreciate ya.
1629
01:08:51,627 --> 01:08:53,129
You guys were great.
1630
01:08:53,629 --> 01:08:54,630
Thank you.
1631
01:08:55,422 --> 01:08:56,464
Thank you.
1632
01:08:56,465 --> 01:08:57,882
[slow country music playing]
1633
01:08:57,883 --> 01:08:59,634
[scattered whistling]
1634
01:08:59,635 --> 01:09:02,263
- [Dusty chatters inaudibly]
- [cheering continues]
1635
01:09:10,229 --> 01:09:11,647
[applause subsiding]
1636
01:09:12,606 --> 01:09:13,983
[country music continues]
1637
01:09:57,943 --> 01:09:59,611
Mary Jane was climbin' a tree one day,
1638
01:09:59,612 --> 01:10:02,447
and this boy ran up,
just looking up her dress.
1639
01:10:02,448 --> 01:10:04,574
And Mary Jane's mother said,
1640
01:10:04,575 --> 01:10:07,660
"Mary Jane, get down that tree.
That boy's lookin' at your panties."
1641
01:10:07,661 --> 01:10:10,664
Mary Jane just laughs and laughs.
She knew she didn't have no panties on.