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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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<i>Ladies and gentlemen, Dusty Slay!</i>

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Woo-hoo!

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All right.

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Okay. All right.

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Ha-ha! We're havin' a good time.
Y'know what I mean?

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Okay.

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I'm pumped to be here, Chattanooga.

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It's a hot show, y'know what I mean?

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Already been a hot show.

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Uh, feels like
it's gonna keep being a hot show.

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I feel good. I slept good.

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-Whoo!
-And that feels good.

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I don't always sleep good,
but I did sleep good last night.

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I had a dream that I was watching
a Larry Bird documentary.

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I've never seen a Larry Bird documentary.

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That means my mind created
a Larry Bird documentary

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for me to watch in my sleep.

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That's incredible, I think.

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That is incredible.

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Pretty low-budget documentary though.

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Wasn't even really Larry Bird
in the documentary.

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That means my subconscious
couldn't work up the budget

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to get Larry Bird
in my own dream documentary.

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Y'know what I mean? Okay.

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Whoo!

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We're havin' a good time.

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Thank you.

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I had a dream one time that I was
about to get trapped in an elevator.

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And that's a big fear of mine, y'know?

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Not 'cause I'm claustrophobic
but because I pee a lot.

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I got a real pee problem.
I'm not trying to be gross about it.

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But I got a real overactive bladder,
y'know?

35
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I got the kinda bladder that's like,
"Oh, you tryin' to do somethin'?"

36
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"Why don't you go pee first though?"

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Like, I never been in a Home Depot
and found what I needed

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before I had to pee.

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I'm just tryin' to get a couple of screws.

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Next thing you know,
I'm in the back corner of a Home Depot…

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…in between some carpet rolls.

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I don't know if I'm in the bathroom
or the break room.

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I don't know what's goin' on back there.

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I don't know what people eat,
that shop at Home Depot,

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but they are destroying that bathroom.

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I never seen anythin' like it.

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I'm just in there to pee,
and my eyes are waterin'.

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Whoo!

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Hope I don't pass out in here,

50
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'cause… I'll keep breathin' that in.

51
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But I do pee a lot though.
And I'm in a lotta elevators.

52
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I'm in elevators all the time.
I'm always in a hotel.

53
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And I get to the hotel…

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I get off the plane, get in the car,
get to the hotel, gotta pee real bad,

55
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and I'm like, "Nah, I can make it
to the room. I can make it."

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I'm in the elevator, pushin' the button,
y'know what I mean?

57
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Like, "Let's go! Let's go!"

58
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And I always think,
"If this elevator breaks down…"

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I'm always like, "How long would it take
before I peed in this elevator?"

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And I think it would happen right away.

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I don't think I'd waste any time.
I think I'd feel it shut down,

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and then they go,
"Oh, sorry, the elevator's broke."

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And I would just let loose in there.

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And then they go, "Oh, sorry,
minor glitch. We're up and runnin'."

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I'm like, "Well, I'm sorry that happened…"

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"…but I'm not ruinin' my bladder 'cause
your elevator's glitchin' out in here."

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"I didn't know how long
we was gonna be in here, y'know?"

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"I didn't wanna be uncomfortable
in front of all these other people."

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Y'know what I mean? Okay!

70
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Thank you. Okay.

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You ever in an elevator,
and you look up in the top right corner,

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and you see the name brand
of the elevator in there?

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Who's that for?

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You ever been in an elevator
and been like,

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"Dang, this is a pretty good elevator."

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"What brand is this?"

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"I'm gonna start recommendin' this
to other hotels I stay at."

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"You guys gotta get on
that Otis elevator."

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Okay, a couple of Otis fans.

80
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No, it's a good elevator.
It is a good elevator.

81
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I've always lived in the South.
I like being in the South.

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Uh, I think it's the best.

83
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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

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I really love…
I like the weather. I love the heat.

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I'm a big fan of the heat, y'know?

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Sometimes I'll go out to,
like, Phoenix, y'know,

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and it'll be a lot hotter
than what I'm used to.

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And I'll complain about it a little bit.

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And, uh, they always say
the same thing to me.

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You know what they say.
They go, "Yeah, but it's a<i>dry</i>heat."

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That's what they say. "It's a dry heat."

92
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They say it like their heat
is better than my heat.

93
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I get defensive about it.

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I'm like, "Oh, it's a dry heat, huh?"

95
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"Well, I like a wet heat."

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"Yeah, that's the kind of heat I like.
I like a wet heat."

97
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"I like it to feel like a sauna outside."

98
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"I like to sweat in places
I didn't even know I could sweat in."

99
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I like to go, "Why is<i>that</i>wet?"

100
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Know what I mean?
"I like… I like a wet heat, y'know?"

101
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"I like a heat with a lot
of flying insects and mosquitoes…"

102
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"…and gnats."

103
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"I like to stand in a hot parking lot
of a Shoney's doin' like that."

104
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"I like to go in the backyard
for two minutes

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and come back in and go,
'I just got tore up out there.'"

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Know what I mean?

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Know what I mean?

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That's right.

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"You can't get that in a dry heat."

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I went out to Iowa not too long ago.

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Thank you. And, uh…

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Yep, I get around a bit.

113
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And, uh, had a lot of fun out there.

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This lady came up to me after the show.
She goes, "Hey, great show."

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I was like, "Thanks. I appreciate that."

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And then she goes,
"Have you ever milked a cow?"

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Mm. And I said, "No."

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And, uh, she goes, "Do you want to?"

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And I said, "No." Y'know?

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Not lookin' to do
a lot of chores after my show.

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I just kinda wanna relax, y'know?

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Not tryin' to go back to this lady's farm
and shear the sheep and shoe the horses.

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Then she was like,
"'Cause my husband's getting wild tonight,

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and I need somebody
to help me milk the cows."

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And at that point, I wasn't even sure
we were still talkin' about cows.

126
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I was like, "But if that's a pickup line,
I'm not into it."

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I don't even know what that could be
<i>and</i>be something that I'm into, y'know?

128
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I don't even like milk that much.

129
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Like, I like milk.

130
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I had a little bit of milk today, y'know?

131
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But I don't like it enough
to be<i>into</i>milk.

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I'm not like, "Ooh, milk, huh?"

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"You say you had milk?"

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"Well, okay."

135
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Milk's weird anyway though. I do like it.
But you ever think about milk?

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It's, like, outside right now
in an animal somewhere.

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And we go out there, and we're like,
"Yeah! Gimme that milk!"

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The baby calf's in the corner all hungry.

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We're like, "Nah, this is my milk now."

140
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"I got a whole five-gallon bucket here."

141
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"'Bout to take this back to<i>my</i>family."

142
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"About to have a lot of milk mustaches
back at our place."

143
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I wanna know how we settled
on cow's milk, y'know?

144
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You gotta think, at one point,
we weren't drinking animal's milk.

145
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Then we're like, "Y'know what?
We're gonna start drinking animal's milk."

146
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But we had to find out
which ones were good, y'know?

147
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How did we do it?

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I like to think it was one guy
milkin' every animal

149
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for, like, ten years, y'know?

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After, like, a decade, he's like,
"It's cows, man. It's cows."

151
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"I am so sick."

152
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"I drank a lot of weird milks
over the years."

153
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He's like, "The goats are okay
but mainly wanna stick to the cows."

154
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:05,962
"We really wanna stay away
from that dog's milk."

155
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Y'know what I mean?

156
00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:11,467
You imagine milkin' a dog, y'know?

157
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It's good enough
to get a little coffee creamer out of it.

158
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Yer gettin' bit the whole time.

159
00:09:20,643 --> 00:09:22,853
You're like, "Get outta here! Get! It's…"

160
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:26,107
"Tryin' to not drink
a black coffee again."

161
00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:34,657
I went with a friend to a coffee shop.
He ordered a latte.

162
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They were like, "What kind of milk?"
He goes, "Chocolate."

163
00:09:37,535 --> 00:09:39,453
And…

164
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I don't drink a lotta lattes,
so I don't know,

165
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,583
but that don't sound right to me.

166
00:09:44,875 --> 00:09:47,545
Don't feel like that was the question
they were askin'.

167
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:56,470
I also wanna know how we decided
to start drinkin' animal's milk. I…

168
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D'you think they just saw a baby calf
drinkin' out of a cow,

169
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and they were like,
"That looks pretty good"?

170
00:10:01,851 --> 00:10:04,520
"Think I'd like to try
to get in on that, y'know?"

171
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:07,565
"Hope I can get it with my hand though."
Y'know what I mean?

172
00:10:08,858 --> 00:10:10,026
You love it?

173
00:10:10,109 --> 00:10:11,902
Okay, we're havin' a good time.

174
00:10:11,986 --> 00:10:14,405
Thank you.

175
00:10:18,242 --> 00:10:20,453
I like a lotta milk jokes in my show.

176
00:10:22,538 --> 00:10:24,915
I'm a real milk-joke comic now.

177
00:10:28,919 --> 00:10:31,422
Okay. I, um…

178
00:10:31,505 --> 00:10:33,966
I like country music.
I'm a big country music fan.

179
00:10:34,050 --> 00:10:36,302
Thank you. Thank you.

180
00:10:36,385 --> 00:10:38,554
Country music's the best. It is the best.

181
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:40,640
I like a lotta workin'-man country songs,
y'know?

182
00:10:40,723 --> 00:10:42,892
Like, Merle Haggard
probably has the most famous.

183
00:10:42,975 --> 00:10:44,352
He has "Workin' Man Blues."

184
00:10:44,435 --> 00:10:45,770
Really great song.

185
00:10:45,853 --> 00:10:48,814
Yeah, really good. And then, uh,
another favorite of mine, in the '90s,

186
00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:51,567
there was a song by Brooks & Dunn
called "Hard Workin' Man."

187
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:54,362
Big fan o' that. "Hard Workin' Man."

188
00:10:54,445 --> 00:10:56,656
And, uh, I don't know
if you've heard that one before,

189
00:10:56,739 --> 00:10:59,867
but, uh, I'd like to tell you about it.
I'd like to talk to you about it.

190
00:11:00,576 --> 00:11:04,163
So best that you haven't heard it.
That way we can… It'll be fresh to you.

191
00:11:04,914 --> 00:11:06,040
But the song, uh…

192
00:11:06,123 --> 00:11:08,292
The first verse of the song
is a bit like a job interview

193
00:11:08,376 --> 00:11:09,794
or a résumé, y'know?

194
00:11:09,877 --> 00:11:14,632
He's just kinda lettin' y'know who he is
and how he likes to do things, y'know?

195
00:11:14,715 --> 00:11:16,300
He starts the song off, he says,

196
00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:18,094
"I'm a hard-workin' man," y'know?

197
00:11:18,177 --> 00:11:20,680
Just put-- lays it out there for ya.

198
00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:23,849
Lets y'know who he is,
how he likes to work, y'know?

199
00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:26,477
But he's singing though too.

200
00:11:26,560 --> 00:11:28,771
He's like, "I'm a hardworkin' man."

201
00:11:28,854 --> 00:11:31,816
Which is not a bad impression
if you've never heard Brooks & Dunn.

202
00:11:34,902 --> 00:11:37,279
"I'm a hardworkin' man," y'know?

203
00:11:37,905 --> 00:11:40,449
He just wants you to know
how he's gonna do it when he clocks in.

204
00:11:43,035 --> 00:11:45,413
And then he says,
"I wear a steel hard hat."

205
00:11:45,496 --> 00:11:47,957
He wants you to know
he takes safety very serious.

206
00:11:48,624 --> 00:11:50,584
Wears a hard hat.
Doesn't mess around with plastic.

207
00:11:50,668 --> 00:11:52,336
It's steel for this guy.

208
00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:55,423
Loves his hat. Wears it all the time.

209
00:11:55,923 --> 00:11:59,218
Then he says,
"I can ride, rope, hammer, and paint."

210
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:02,847
Four things that
you don't really need a hard hat for.

211
00:12:06,517 --> 00:12:08,894
His coworkers are like,

212
00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:11,689
"I don't know
why you're wearin' that hat again."

213
00:12:15,192 --> 00:12:17,737
"We're ropin' cattle today, buddy."

214
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:20,698
"There's nothin' to fall on you out here."

215
00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:24,493
"You wanna wear a helmet,
wear a helmet, y'know?"

216
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:27,163
"But that hard hat's
not gonna help you out here."

217
00:12:27,663 --> 00:12:29,582
But he says, "I can hammer and paint."

218
00:12:29,665 --> 00:12:32,209
"Do things with my hands
that most men can't."

219
00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:36,172
I'm like, "I don't know.
I think we can all hammer and paint."

220
00:12:38,090 --> 00:12:40,342
Like, some people do it
better than others, obviously,

221
00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:42,803
but I think we can all do it.

222
00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:46,557
Like, I don't know how good of a hammerer
Bob Ross is, y'know,

223
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:49,685
but, um, pretty good painter, I'd say.

224
00:12:50,978 --> 00:12:54,023
I bet he's hung a painting or two
on the wall, y'know?

225
00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:56,442
A little tack hammer. Tut-tut.

226
00:12:57,109 --> 00:12:59,069
Tut-tut.

227
00:12:59,153 --> 00:13:00,154
Tut-tut.

228
00:13:02,072 --> 00:13:04,575
You would think a guy like this,
with this kinda work ethic,

229
00:13:04,658 --> 00:13:08,120
uh, this kinda work attire,
this list of skills,

230
00:13:08,204 --> 00:13:12,124
you'd think he'd be doing pretty well
financially, but he goes on to say,

231
00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:14,794
"I can't get ahead,
no matter how hard I try."

232
00:13:14,877 --> 00:13:17,505
"I'm gettin' really good
at barely gettin' by."

233
00:13:18,005 --> 00:13:19,882
And you're like, "Oh, dang," y'know?

234
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:25,012
The song really takes an emotional turn…

235
00:13:26,847 --> 00:13:29,517
…that you might not
be ready for, you know?

236
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,727
But it makes you kinda wanna
keep listenin' to the song,

237
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:35,105
just kinda figure out what's goin' on
with this guy's finances, you know?

238
00:13:36,774 --> 00:13:38,943
Like, does he figure it out?

239
00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:41,320
Where's the money goin'?

240
00:13:42,571 --> 00:13:44,865
These are the kinda questions I have,
you know?

241
00:13:45,366 --> 00:13:47,910
So you get to the second verse,
and the second verse, he says,

242
00:13:47,993 --> 00:13:51,080
"Come Friday night, I like to party hard."

243
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:54,291
You're like, "Ah, I'm startin' to see
where this is goin' here."

244
00:13:55,376 --> 00:13:58,128
"Startin' to unravel
a bit of the mystery here."

245
00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:00,172
"Work hard to play hard."

246
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:03,884
He said, "I like to carry on
with the Cadillac cuties."

247
00:14:03,968 --> 00:14:05,928
He never really says what that is,
but I think…

248
00:14:06,011 --> 00:14:07,721
I think we could put it together, y'know?

249
00:14:08,722 --> 00:14:10,641
"I like to carry on
with the Cadillac cuties,

250
00:14:10,724 --> 00:14:14,186
spend my whole week's pay
on some weekend beauty."

251
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:17,523
I'm like, "Okay.
Well, there's your problem right there."

252
00:14:20,734 --> 00:14:23,821
"I think we can close
this investigation here."

253
00:14:26,574 --> 00:14:28,826
"Tell Columbo to head on back
to the house."

254
00:14:30,244 --> 00:14:32,288
"We've solved the crime here."

255
00:14:32,997 --> 00:14:36,292
I'd like to see this guy meet
with a financial advisor, y'know?

256
00:14:36,917 --> 00:14:40,713
He's like,
"I just can't seem to put any money away."

257
00:14:41,630 --> 00:14:43,716
He's like, "I'm a hardworkin' man."

258
00:14:44,216 --> 00:14:45,676
"I wear a steel hard hat."

259
00:14:45,759 --> 00:14:48,178
"I can ride, rope, hammer, and paint,

260
00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:50,806
but I can't seem to put any money away."

261
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,224
Financial advisor's like,

262
00:14:52,308 --> 00:14:55,102
"I don't know. Let's dig in.
Let's see what we can find."

263
00:14:55,644 --> 00:14:57,813
Pulls up the report,
gets to, like, page one.

264
00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,773
He's like, "Oh, found it right here!"

265
00:15:01,275 --> 00:15:03,444
"A lot faster than I expected."

266
00:15:04,403 --> 00:15:08,407
"It seems here, you're spending
everything you make, in one night…"

267
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:12,036
"…on some sort of a prostitute."

268
00:15:17,124 --> 00:15:19,960
"I don't know if that's what
a 'weekend beauty' is, y'know,

269
00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:23,589
but… might I suggest a cheaper option,
y'know, maybe…

270
00:15:24,089 --> 00:15:25,758
maybe a week-<i>day</i>beauty."

271
00:15:28,177 --> 00:15:32,222
"Get yourself a Tuesday beauty,
save a little money around here."

272
00:15:32,306 --> 00:15:35,267
"Know what I mean? Okay, okay."

273
00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:38,270
That's fun though.
Country music's the best.

274
00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:39,855
Gosh, it's the best.

275
00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:42,191
I've always said that a good country song

276
00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:44,693
can have you reminiscing
about times you never had.

277
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:48,405
Like, I never went to the lake
growin' up, y'know?

278
00:15:48,489 --> 00:15:50,491
My family wasn't, like, a "lake" family.

279
00:15:50,574 --> 00:15:53,744
But I hear a country song about the lake,
I'm like, "Yeah, I remember that."

280
00:15:57,706 --> 00:15:59,750
"Dang, that<i>was</i>a good time."

281
00:16:01,001 --> 00:16:05,714
"Me and Kid Rock, down by the docks…
in the summertime. You know what I mean?"

282
00:16:07,049 --> 00:16:09,718
Joe Diffie has a song like that.
A song called "Home."

283
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:12,304
And whenever-- And Joe Diffie's singin'
about his childhood home.

284
00:16:12,388 --> 00:16:15,140
And when I listen to it, it makes me think
about<i>my</i>childhood home,

285
00:16:15,224 --> 00:16:17,518
even though mine was nothing like his.

286
00:16:17,601 --> 00:16:19,478
It's just that good of a song.

287
00:16:19,561 --> 00:16:22,231
He's like, "Home was an easy chair,
with my daddy there."

288
00:16:22,314 --> 00:16:24,400
And I'm like,
"Well, my parents were divorced."

289
00:16:26,276 --> 00:16:28,696
My dad mighta had an easy chair,
but it wasn't at our house.

290
00:16:28,779 --> 00:16:32,783
Y'know what I mean?

291
00:16:32,866 --> 00:16:34,994
It was at his house,
with his other family.

292
00:16:36,662 --> 00:16:38,872
Hi!

293
00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:41,875
"Home was a back-porch swing,
where I would sit,

294
00:16:41,959 --> 00:16:43,627
and Mom would sing 'Amazing Grace.'"

295
00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:44,712
I'm like, "Well,

296
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:49,633
I… I grew up in a trailer,
and we didn't really have a back porch."

297
00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:52,469
"You know? We didn't really have a back."

298
00:16:52,553 --> 00:16:56,515
"Just… two long sides."

299
00:16:59,476 --> 00:17:01,478
"Real narrow front."

300
00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:04,064
"Real narrow back."

301
00:17:04,565 --> 00:17:07,109
"Not really room for a porch
back there, you know?"

302
00:17:07,192 --> 00:17:09,611
"We had more of a side porch."

303
00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:12,322
"Or a side deck."

304
00:17:12,406 --> 00:17:15,284
Yeah, a lot of these jokes end
long before I stop talkin'.

305
00:17:17,494 --> 00:17:19,079
You know what I mean?

306
00:17:19,163 --> 00:17:22,374
Okay, now we were havin' a good time
there for a while on that joke there.

307
00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:24,126
Yeah. Okay.

308
00:17:27,337 --> 00:17:30,299
Yeah, we're havin' a good time.
We're havin' a good time.

309
00:17:30,382 --> 00:17:32,259
This is a hot show.

310
00:17:32,342 --> 00:17:34,636
I hear people say this a lot.
Maybe you hear this too.

311
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:37,181
People say they're socially awkward.
Ever hear people say that?

312
00:17:37,264 --> 00:17:38,891
They go, "Oh, I'm socially awkward."

313
00:17:38,974 --> 00:17:40,517
Y'know what we used to call that?

314
00:17:40,601 --> 00:17:41,518
Awkward.

315
00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:46,523
'Cause that's when you're awkward,
when you're out being social with people.

316
00:17:47,024 --> 00:17:49,568
There's no need to really say
the "socially" thing.

317
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:53,238
And it's okay
to be socially awkward, y'know?

318
00:17:53,322 --> 00:17:55,949
What you gotta worry about
is that alone awkwardness.

319
00:17:59,203 --> 00:18:02,790
You're sitting around
by yourself with sweaty palms…

320
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:09,046
…havin' trouble making eye contact
with the mirror, y'know?

321
00:18:10,172 --> 00:18:12,257
Say something out loud to yourself,
and you're like,

322
00:18:12,341 --> 00:18:14,593
"Ah, I wish I had not said that."

323
00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:22,559
That's when you got some real issues.

324
00:18:23,060 --> 00:18:26,605
I think we're all saying stuff out loud
to people that we wish we didn't say.

325
00:18:26,688 --> 00:18:28,649
I know I do. I small-talk a lot.

326
00:18:28,732 --> 00:18:31,735
And, uh, a lot of times
I run out of stuff to say, y'know?

327
00:18:31,819 --> 00:18:34,404
But that doesn't keep me from talkin'.

328
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:37,282
I just stop makin' sense, y'know?

329
00:18:38,075 --> 00:18:41,036
I was in a grocery store the other day,
bought a couple of jugs of water,

330
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,246
took 'em up to the register.

331
00:18:42,329 --> 00:18:44,373
Me and the cashier,
we said hey to each other.

332
00:18:44,456 --> 00:18:46,834
That's all we needed to do.

333
00:18:46,917 --> 00:18:48,669
There was no need to keep it goin'.

334
00:18:49,670 --> 00:18:52,256
But it took her a while
to ring up those two jugs of water.

335
00:18:52,339 --> 00:18:55,008
And so I thought,
"Well, I'll say somethin' here."

336
00:18:56,969 --> 00:19:00,222
I go, "What do I got? Uh…"

337
00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:01,890
"Okay, here we go. I'll try this."

338
00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:04,977
So I go, "These water bottles
used to have a handle on it."

339
00:19:10,649 --> 00:19:12,901
"They don't have a handle anymore though."

340
00:19:13,485 --> 00:19:15,154
And then I just kinda left it with her.

341
00:19:15,237 --> 00:19:16,405
You know, I'm like,

342
00:19:17,197 --> 00:19:19,533
"Okay, I've said a thing,
now you say a thing,

343
00:19:19,616 --> 00:19:22,536
and… we'll get through this."

344
00:19:23,954 --> 00:19:26,081
She was like,
"Yeah, I don't know what happened."

345
00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:28,417
I go, "That's wild, huh?"

346
00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:33,172
Then I get out in the parkin' lot, I go,
"What the hell are you doin' in there?"

347
00:19:35,299 --> 00:19:36,550
"Jeez, man."

348
00:19:36,633 --> 00:19:39,511
"You're a professional comedian,
for cryin' out loud."

349
00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:42,973
"You can do better
than water-bottle talk."

350
00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:47,186
I like to think
that cashier's scrollin' Netflix,

351
00:19:47,269 --> 00:19:49,688
and she sees my picture, and she goes,

352
00:19:49,771 --> 00:19:51,732
"The water-bottle guy?!"

353
00:19:54,985 --> 00:19:56,069
"Ace."

354
00:19:59,698 --> 00:20:02,367
She's like, "I did not see that coming."

355
00:20:03,452 --> 00:20:06,205
"I didn't think he was gonna make it
across the street!"

356
00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:12,669
I was in a gas station the other day,
and the cashier goes,

357
00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:14,963
"How you doin' today?"
I go, "Good, what about you?"

358
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:17,758
She goes, "Good! You?"
I'm like, "How long we gon' do this here?"

359
00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:21,553
"Well, uh, dang,
are you even listenin' to me?"

360
00:20:22,679 --> 00:20:25,140
"I told you I was good, y'know,
don't keep askin'."

361
00:20:26,016 --> 00:20:27,643
"Might get a real answer."

362
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:32,231
"I'm tryin' to keep it light."

363
00:20:32,314 --> 00:20:35,234
I was in a Walgreens the other day.
The other day was a big day for me.

364
00:20:35,317 --> 00:20:37,110
It was, uh…

365
00:20:39,863 --> 00:20:42,532
If not for the other day,
none of this'd be happening.

366
00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:45,619
A beautiful day the other day.

367
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:47,996
I'm glad I was payin' attention.

368
00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:52,292
I was in a Walgreens the other day,
and I was waiting in line,

369
00:20:52,376 --> 00:20:54,503
and there was this lady
talking to the cashier.

370
00:20:54,586 --> 00:20:55,712
And the cashier was like…

371
00:20:55,796 --> 00:20:58,840
She had just had to ask
a regular ol' Walgreens question, y'know?

372
00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:01,343
She was like,
"Oh, are you a Walgreens rewards member?"

373
00:21:01,426 --> 00:21:04,846
That lady goes, "If I had to ask
that question every day, I'd kill myself."

374
00:21:11,061 --> 00:21:12,187
I got up to the register.

375
00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:15,774
I was like, "Jeez, that lady had
a low threshold for suicide, huh?"

376
00:21:22,447 --> 00:21:24,574
"Somebody better
keep an eye on that lady."

377
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:29,496
"Like, the day gets harder, y'know?"

378
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:35,711
If you got suicide in your small talk,
you gotta work on it, y'know?

379
00:21:37,379 --> 00:21:40,132
I mean, that's big talk, y'know?

380
00:21:40,632 --> 00:21:42,426
Small talk is the weather, y'know?

381
00:21:42,509 --> 00:21:45,345
You're like,
"Oh, it's a beautiful day today, huh?"

382
00:21:45,429 --> 00:21:47,514
You're like,
"Yeah, I'd like to kill myself."

383
00:21:52,269 --> 00:21:54,813
"Okay. Well, I hope it rains, I guess."

384
00:21:56,315 --> 00:21:59,901
"I… I mean, for your sake, y'know, but…"

385
00:22:00,652 --> 00:22:02,654
"Can't rain every day though, can it?"

386
00:22:03,488 --> 00:22:06,241
Okay. Thank you. We're havin' a good time.

387
00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:07,909
Thank you.

388
00:22:07,993 --> 00:22:09,953
Okay!

389
00:22:10,037 --> 00:22:11,997
-Thank you.
-Whoo!

390
00:22:13,665 --> 00:22:16,043
It's a blank water.
What is it? I don't know.

391
00:22:17,169 --> 00:22:18,754
Who knows what's in there?

392
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:21,631
It was already open
when I tried to twist it.

393
00:22:25,135 --> 00:22:26,720
Could be anything in there.

394
00:22:27,721 --> 00:22:29,639
Who knows, though?

395
00:22:32,184 --> 00:22:33,393
I hope I'm okay.

396
00:22:34,853 --> 00:22:38,315
It didn't click when I spun it.
Y'know what I mean?

397
00:22:43,445 --> 00:22:45,614
Okay.

398
00:22:45,697 --> 00:22:48,867
I checked into this hotel the other day,
and they gave me a little sheet of paper.

399
00:22:48,950 --> 00:22:51,495
It was instructions
on how to check out faster.

400
00:22:51,578 --> 00:22:53,955
I was like, "Oh, okay.
Well, let me ask you this."

401
00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:55,749
"What's faster than just leavin'?"

402
00:22:59,878 --> 00:23:01,880
"I mean, that's how I've<i>been</i>doin' it."

403
00:23:01,963 --> 00:23:04,674
"I'm gonna be honest with you here."

404
00:23:04,758 --> 00:23:07,052
"I didn't even realize
there was a checkout process."

405
00:23:08,678 --> 00:23:11,890
"Just felt like you see me leave here
with all these bags,

406
00:23:11,973 --> 00:23:14,684
you get up into that room
and I'm not in there,

407
00:23:15,894 --> 00:23:17,354
you know I've checked out."

408
00:23:18,772 --> 00:23:21,775
I could still be checked in
to a lotta hotel rooms

409
00:23:22,692 --> 00:23:24,152
all across the country.

410
00:23:25,070 --> 00:23:26,613
I show up, try to check in,

411
00:23:26,696 --> 00:23:29,908
they're like, "Sir, we're showing
you're still checked in here."

412
00:23:31,701 --> 00:23:34,329
"Yeah, you owe us quite a bit of money."

413
00:23:35,622 --> 00:23:38,667
"A lot of us were wondering
if you were still alive."

414
00:23:39,209 --> 00:23:41,336
"You left that do-not-disturb sign
on the door,

415
00:23:41,420 --> 00:23:43,380
and we couldn't get in there."

416
00:23:48,927 --> 00:23:50,011
What are other people doing?

417
00:23:50,095 --> 00:23:53,473
Are they goin' up to the register,
ringin' that bell, going, "Hey-hey"?

418
00:23:54,683 --> 00:23:56,935
"Just wanna let you know
I'm about to head on outta here."

419
00:23:58,145 --> 00:24:01,606
"I've had a good time gettin' to know you
this weekend, as I come and go by here,

420
00:24:01,690 --> 00:24:04,192
but I know you got used to
seeing me go out the door,

421
00:24:04,276 --> 00:24:07,112
and then, later in the day,
I'll be coming back in here, but…

422
00:24:07,863 --> 00:24:09,865
that's not what's gonna be happenin'
today though."

423
00:24:11,533 --> 00:24:14,202
"Nah, today, when I go out that door,
I'm not comin' back."

424
00:24:16,163 --> 00:24:18,790
"So, if there's anythin'
you wanna say to me, y'know,

425
00:24:20,208 --> 00:24:23,879
better go ahead and say it, 'cause it may
be a year or so 'fore I'm back around."

426
00:24:24,421 --> 00:24:27,048
"You might not be working here
by then, y'know?"

427
00:24:27,132 --> 00:24:29,551
"Not with the kinda attitude
I've seen you have."

428
00:24:32,596 --> 00:24:33,763
Y'know.

429
00:24:34,598 --> 00:24:36,766
"On a day-to-day basis, y'know?"

430
00:24:37,267 --> 00:24:39,769
"You complain about--
a lot about this job."

431
00:24:40,770 --> 00:24:43,690
You ever check in real late to a hotel,
like 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning,

432
00:24:43,773 --> 00:24:45,817
and the person working,
it's like, "Do you work here,

433
00:24:45,901 --> 00:24:48,111
or did you just kill
the guy that works here"?

434
00:24:50,447 --> 00:24:51,781
Y'know?

435
00:24:56,495 --> 00:24:59,414
You ever… you ever check in to a hotel
and the pool's shut down?

436
00:25:00,665 --> 00:25:03,335
You weren't plannin' on gettin' in
but still feel a little ripped off?

437
00:25:04,503 --> 00:25:06,588
You're like, "I don't wanna stay
at some raggedy hotel

438
00:25:06,671 --> 00:25:08,340
where everything's shut down."

439
00:25:08,423 --> 00:25:10,550
"Like, what else
doesn't work around here?"

440
00:25:10,634 --> 00:25:12,010
And I don't wanna get in the pool.

441
00:25:12,093 --> 00:25:14,596
I just kinda wanna open that door
and go, "Ugh!"

442
00:25:16,515 --> 00:25:18,350
"A lotta chlorine in there, huh?"

443
00:25:21,311 --> 00:25:23,605
I never get in the hotel pool.
This is why.

444
00:25:23,688 --> 00:25:25,607
Sometimes, you go down there,
and the pool's full,

445
00:25:25,690 --> 00:25:28,026
you're like, "I don't wanna get in
with all those people."

446
00:25:28,109 --> 00:25:30,153
Then the other time you go down
and it's empty,

447
00:25:30,237 --> 00:25:31,863
you're like, "Why's nobody in the pool?"

448
00:25:33,156 --> 00:25:36,159
"What's wrong with the pool
that nobody wants to swim in there?"

449
00:25:36,785 --> 00:25:39,871
And I don't wanna get in there
and be the one lone guy

450
00:25:39,955 --> 00:25:41,623
swimmin' around in the pool.

451
00:25:41,706 --> 00:25:43,667
The kids are comin' down,
tryin' to get in.

452
00:25:43,750 --> 00:25:46,670
They're like, "We can't get in.
That guy's still in there."

453
00:25:50,298 --> 00:25:52,092
"He has hairs everywhere."

454
00:25:58,014 --> 00:26:00,058
You know what I mean.

455
00:26:01,601 --> 00:26:02,852
Okay.

456
00:26:04,521 --> 00:26:06,147
I went through a cologne phase
for a while.

457
00:26:06,231 --> 00:26:09,526
I used to wear a lotta cologne.
People never liked me in cologne.

458
00:26:10,318 --> 00:26:12,862
They were never like,
"Ooh! You smell good!"

459
00:26:12,946 --> 00:26:16,074
They were always like,
"Who's wearin' cologne?!"

460
00:26:24,291 --> 00:26:26,084
I read a story one time
about a country singer.

461
00:26:26,167 --> 00:26:28,295
They said he used to
drink a lotta cologne.

462
00:26:29,045 --> 00:26:30,213
And he died.

463
00:26:33,633 --> 00:26:37,137
That's not funny,
but it is funny the way I said it though.

464
00:26:38,930 --> 00:26:41,808
They said he was a real bad alcoholic,
and towards the end of his life,

465
00:26:41,891 --> 00:26:44,352
it got so bad,
he started drinking cologne.

466
00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:46,479
They said that like it was rock bottom.

467
00:26:46,563 --> 00:26:50,108
But I'm like, "How's that rock bottom?
Cologne's expensive, y'know?"

468
00:26:51,860 --> 00:26:53,445
Seems like a choice, y'know?

469
00:26:53,945 --> 00:26:56,156
How would that even work
in a social setting?

470
00:26:56,239 --> 00:26:58,283
Show up to a party.
Your buddy's like, "Bud Light?"

471
00:26:58,366 --> 00:27:01,328
You're like,
"No, I'll have a… Drakkar Noir."

472
00:27:07,125 --> 00:27:09,711
"It's got some heat on it!"
Y'know what I mean?

473
00:27:12,297 --> 00:27:13,673
Okay.

474
00:27:15,008 --> 00:27:18,511
I went out to San Diego not too long ago.
Had a lotta fun out there.

475
00:27:18,595 --> 00:27:21,973
Thank you. And, uh,
lotta homeless people out there.

476
00:27:22,057 --> 00:27:23,683
Um, I don't mind.

477
00:27:23,767 --> 00:27:27,479
A lot of people think<i>I'm</i>homeless.
Y'know what I mean? Doesn't bother me.

478
00:27:27,562 --> 00:27:30,523
They were very polite. Some of the nicest
homeless people I'd ever seen.

479
00:27:30,607 --> 00:27:33,360
One guy came up to me on the street,
both hands on his belt like this.

480
00:27:33,443 --> 00:27:35,904
He goes, "Would you like me
to whoop your ass?"

481
00:27:44,329 --> 00:27:46,247
I thought it was polite that he asked.

482
00:27:52,087 --> 00:27:55,048
I go to a lotta cities.
Lotta times they won't ask, y'know?

483
00:27:57,717 --> 00:27:59,844
-Whoo!
-They'll just try to do it.

484
00:27:59,928 --> 00:28:02,472
But this guy asked, y'know,
and I appreciated it.

485
00:28:02,972 --> 00:28:04,474
I said no, of course.

486
00:28:05,725 --> 00:28:07,185
He got so mad when I said no.

487
00:28:07,268 --> 00:28:09,854
I guess he'd been out there all day
askin' that question.

488
00:28:10,438 --> 00:28:13,441
Like, "Dang, that's the last thing
on my to-do list."

489
00:28:14,859 --> 00:28:17,404
"Then I can get back to the tent."
Y'know what I mean?

490
00:28:17,904 --> 00:28:19,781
Okay.

491
00:28:19,864 --> 00:28:21,866
Okay.

492
00:28:24,619 --> 00:28:25,620
Okay.

493
00:28:25,704 --> 00:28:26,621
Whoo!

494
00:28:27,122 --> 00:28:29,374
If I were homeless,
the first thing I'd save up and buy

495
00:28:29,457 --> 00:28:30,792
would be a day planner.

496
00:28:31,543 --> 00:28:33,753
That way, every day,
I could open it up and go,

497
00:28:33,837 --> 00:28:34,879
"Nothin' to do!"

498
00:28:36,673 --> 00:28:38,550
That joke never does as well as I'd like.

499
00:28:38,633 --> 00:28:39,926
But, uh…

500
00:28:40,009 --> 00:28:41,803
People think I'm makin' fun
of homeless people,

501
00:28:41,886 --> 00:28:44,764
when I'm really just
admiring the freedom, y'know?

502
00:28:45,348 --> 00:28:48,017
Free schedule any day of the week?
That's what I'm talkin' about.

503
00:28:49,310 --> 00:28:51,438
Never gets better the more I explain it.
But, uh…

504
00:28:54,357 --> 00:28:56,943
Here's a joke that never works. Um…

505
00:28:57,485 --> 00:29:00,447
This joke's not about homelessness.
It's a different j-- It's a good joke.

506
00:29:00,530 --> 00:29:02,782
It just doesn't
do that well for audiences.

507
00:29:04,743 --> 00:29:07,162
I like this joke a lot.
I'm a big fan of it.

508
00:29:07,662 --> 00:29:09,831
We're gonna do it in a minute though.
Here we go.

509
00:29:09,914 --> 00:29:11,791
Okay.

510
00:29:11,875 --> 00:29:13,752
All right. Here it goes.

511
00:29:13,835 --> 00:29:15,837
Sometimes, I'll be listenin' to the radio,

512
00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:18,673
and they'll be advertising,
like, a local business, y'know?

513
00:29:18,757 --> 00:29:22,260
They'll be like, "We've been in business
for well over 50 years!"

514
00:29:22,761 --> 00:29:25,680
And I'm like,
"Well, how well over, y'know?"

515
00:29:27,182 --> 00:29:30,018
Not "well over" enough
to put another number on it?

516
00:29:31,853 --> 00:29:34,522
Not 51, 52?

517
00:29:34,606 --> 00:29:38,067
And if it's 51,
is it even that well over 50?

518
00:29:40,153 --> 00:29:41,738
And that's it. That's the whole joke.

519
00:29:41,821 --> 00:29:44,365
Thank you. Thank you.

520
00:29:47,327 --> 00:29:49,078
It's a good joke. It's a good joke.

521
00:29:49,162 --> 00:29:52,332
It's not that funny, I guess,
but it does make a lotta sense.

522
00:29:55,293 --> 00:29:57,545
But that's not really what you want
out of a comic, y'know,

523
00:29:57,629 --> 00:29:59,547
just to make a lotta sense.

524
00:29:59,631 --> 00:30:01,257
You don't wanna leave the show being like,

525
00:30:01,341 --> 00:30:05,011
"You know what? He wasn't that funny,
but he made a lotta sense."

526
00:30:06,679 --> 00:30:09,974
"I found myself sitting there,
not laughing so much as I was being like,

527
00:30:10,058 --> 00:30:12,644
'You know what? That adds up,
what he's sayin' right there.'"

528
00:30:13,144 --> 00:30:15,814
"I appreciate the way
he puts things together

529
00:30:16,314 --> 00:30:18,483
in a way that I can understand."

530
00:30:18,983 --> 00:30:20,276
If somebody hands you a drink,

531
00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:23,279
and they go,
"There's well over six ounces in here."

532
00:30:24,447 --> 00:30:26,616
You're like,
"Are you tryin' to say seven?"

533
00:30:28,076 --> 00:30:30,620
That's the same joke.
Bit of a different twist to it.

534
00:30:32,413 --> 00:30:34,499
Not much funnier but it is, uh…

535
00:30:34,582 --> 00:30:37,126
S… still makes a lotta sense.

536
00:30:40,380 --> 00:30:42,382
I used to be a big drinker.
I like drinkin' a lot.

537
00:30:42,465 --> 00:30:45,176
I quit drinkin', but I do like it. And…

538
00:30:45,260 --> 00:30:47,720
You know what I mean. Yeah.

539
00:30:47,804 --> 00:30:50,181
Don't know what you're clappin' for,
drinkin' or not drinkin'.

540
00:30:50,265 --> 00:30:52,350
But it doesn't matter. They're both good!

541
00:30:52,433 --> 00:30:54,185
And, uh…

542
00:30:54,269 --> 00:30:58,147
I like drinking so much, I like to let it
completely control my life. Y'know?

543
00:31:00,525 --> 00:31:03,653
I never understood people
that wanna go out for two beers.

544
00:31:03,736 --> 00:31:06,406
They're like, "Wanna get a couple beers?"
I'm like, "Why?!"

545
00:31:06,489 --> 00:31:07,824
Y'know?

546
00:31:07,907 --> 00:31:09,742
"Let's get into it, man!"

547
00:31:10,243 --> 00:31:12,245
"Let's lose our jobs this week!"

548
00:31:14,205 --> 00:31:17,125
-Whoo!
-"Let's ruin our relationships."

549
00:31:18,209 --> 00:31:22,130
I like to go out with a friend
and ruin that friendship in the night.

550
00:31:25,925 --> 00:31:26,968
"What happened to Mike?"

551
00:31:27,051 --> 00:31:29,846
I was like, "I don't know. He jumped
out of the car while I was driving."

552
00:31:39,230 --> 00:31:42,400
I was hangin' out outside a bar one night.
I was not drinkin'.

553
00:31:42,483 --> 00:31:45,069
I'd already quit drinkin'.
I was just out there being cool.

554
00:31:45,153 --> 00:31:48,489
Just, uh, being cool,
looking cool, y'know?

555
00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:53,286
This girl comes up to me outta nowhere.
She's pretty drunk, pretty attractive.

556
00:31:53,369 --> 00:31:54,579
She walked right up to me.

557
00:31:54,662 --> 00:31:57,206
I was like, "All right!
That's what I'm talkin' about." Y'know?

558
00:31:59,250 --> 00:32:02,837
She got right up to me, and she goes,
"You gotta get new glasses."

559
00:32:04,756 --> 00:32:07,675
She was like, "I don't wanna have sex
with you with those glasses."

560
00:32:08,176 --> 00:32:09,594
And I'm married, y'know?

561
00:32:09,677 --> 00:32:12,013
I was not out there lookin' for sex.

562
00:32:12,555 --> 00:32:14,599
But I was like,
"What kinda glasses should I get?"

563
00:32:18,603 --> 00:32:21,147
Y'know what I mean?
You might as well find out, y'know?

564
00:32:22,357 --> 00:32:24,484
I wanna play to my strengths out here.

565
00:32:25,902 --> 00:32:27,737
I don't have to wear these glasses.

566
00:32:27,820 --> 00:32:29,948
You know, I need them to see, but…

567
00:32:31,658 --> 00:32:33,242
…I can take them off.

568
00:32:38,247 --> 00:32:40,500
So I was like,
"What kinda glasses<i>should</i>I get?"

569
00:32:40,583 --> 00:32:42,418
She goes, "Any kind."

570
00:32:43,211 --> 00:32:45,672
She said,
"Those are Jeffrey Dahmer glasses."

571
00:32:47,256 --> 00:32:50,009
"You're not gonna get laid
with those glasses."

572
00:32:50,093 --> 00:32:52,679
And I was like, "Well, he got laid a lot."

573
00:32:57,266 --> 00:33:00,311
Y'know what I mean?
Okay! No, we're havin' a good time.

574
00:33:00,395 --> 00:33:02,605
Thank you. Thank you.

575
00:33:05,316 --> 00:33:08,111
You would think
that would be a weird thing to say, right?

576
00:33:08,695 --> 00:33:11,739
But, in the moment,
it felt like it got flirty.

577
00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:15,743
Felt like she was into it, man.

578
00:33:15,827 --> 00:33:18,579
I don't know how or why,
but it did feel that way.

579
00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:20,081
I even thought to myself,

580
00:33:20,164 --> 00:33:23,376
"If I were looking for sex,
I think I woulda just found it here."

581
00:33:25,670 --> 00:33:27,797
But that's one of the best things
about being married.

582
00:33:27,880 --> 00:33:30,216
When you're married,
you can always believe

583
00:33:30,299 --> 00:33:31,843
you were about to get laid.

584
00:33:33,386 --> 00:33:34,971
Long as you don't act on it,

585
00:33:35,054 --> 00:33:37,682
you can always<i>believe</i>
it was about to happen.

586
00:33:38,182 --> 00:33:39,183
And that feels good.

587
00:33:39,267 --> 00:33:41,394
I mean, that's a confidence level
that you can't touch.

588
00:33:41,477 --> 00:33:43,896
I mean, that is way up here.
Y'know what I mean?

589
00:33:44,397 --> 00:33:48,151
Like, if you go to the bar or the club
and you're single and you don't get laid,

590
00:33:48,234 --> 00:33:50,862
you're like, "Ugh! I'm a loser."

591
00:33:50,945 --> 00:33:51,863
Y'know?

592
00:33:51,946 --> 00:33:55,575
If you go to the bar or the club
and you're married and you don't get laid,

593
00:33:55,658 --> 00:33:58,494
you're like, "I'm a good dude."

594
00:34:02,040 --> 00:34:05,543
You're like, "Yeah,
I coulda gotten laid if I wanted to,

595
00:34:05,626 --> 00:34:08,546
but I'm just out here shuttin' it down!"

596
00:34:12,675 --> 00:34:15,470
That feels good, y'know?

597
00:34:15,553 --> 00:34:18,973
Feels good to not accomplish anything
<i>and</i>be self-righteous about it.

598
00:34:22,977 --> 00:34:25,229
That's how I'm tryin'
to live my life, y'know?

599
00:34:28,066 --> 00:34:30,485
I don't know a lot
about serial killers, y'know?

600
00:34:30,985 --> 00:34:32,320
I'm not into that sort of stuff.

601
00:34:32,403 --> 00:34:35,114
I don't… I don't, uh…
y'know, I don't read books about 'em.

602
00:34:35,198 --> 00:34:38,785
I don't watch TV shows about 'em.
I don't listen to their podcasts.

603
00:34:39,285 --> 00:34:42,330
But I know some names, y'know?
I know some classics.

604
00:34:42,830 --> 00:34:45,291
So when the girl told me
I had Jeffrey Dahmer glasses,

605
00:34:45,374 --> 00:34:47,794
I thought she was talking
about Ted Bundy, right?

606
00:34:49,087 --> 00:34:50,713
And I know he killed people too,

607
00:34:50,797 --> 00:34:53,382
but a lotta people said
he was attractive, y'know?

608
00:34:53,883 --> 00:34:55,676
So I looked up Jeffrey Dahmer.

609
00:34:59,388 --> 00:35:01,015
Turns out, he eats people.

610
00:35:06,437 --> 00:35:07,939
So that's different, y'know?

611
00:35:09,357 --> 00:35:11,359
Like, kill people, fine.
Y'know what I mean?

612
00:35:11,442 --> 00:35:12,902
But don't eat them.

613
00:35:15,446 --> 00:35:17,782
Have some respect for yourself, y'know?

614
00:35:18,282 --> 00:35:22,328
I like to think even other serial killers
are looking down on that sorta stuff.

615
00:35:22,829 --> 00:35:24,288
Like, if they were to get together

616
00:35:24,372 --> 00:35:26,958
at some kinda,
y'know, serial killer meet-up,

617
00:35:27,041 --> 00:35:30,545
or, like, an annual sales meeting
of serial killers,

618
00:35:31,045 --> 00:35:35,758
after the meeting, they're all at the bar,
and they're like, "Hey, listen, Jeff…"

619
00:35:38,094 --> 00:35:40,388
"…don't be eatin' the bodies, buddy."

620
00:35:41,806 --> 00:35:42,932
Yeah!

621
00:35:47,478 --> 00:35:49,730
"You're making us all look bad here."

622
00:35:49,814 --> 00:35:52,233
"Really bringin' down the whole industry."

623
00:35:52,733 --> 00:35:55,903
They're like, "Listen,
we all like a little knife action, okay?"

624
00:35:57,196 --> 00:35:58,614
"We love the knife."

625
00:35:59,448 --> 00:36:01,742
"But you gotta put down the fork."

626
00:36:05,663 --> 00:36:07,456
Y'know what I mean?

627
00:36:08,791 --> 00:36:10,668
"C'mon, buddy."

628
00:36:11,294 --> 00:36:14,463
Yeah, I love to humanize a serial killer
for a laugh, y'know what I mean?

629
00:36:14,964 --> 00:36:16,507
Okay. Thank you.

630
00:36:20,094 --> 00:36:22,305
I think they said Ted Bundy
got caught down in Florida.

631
00:36:22,388 --> 00:36:25,016
He got caught jaywalkin'.
That's how they caught him.

632
00:36:25,099 --> 00:36:26,601
That escalated quickly, huh?

633
00:36:28,144 --> 00:36:30,688
Can you imagine that?
You get arrested for jaywalkin'.

634
00:36:30,771 --> 00:36:33,691
They're like, "Hey, by the way,
have you been murdering people?"

635
00:36:36,569 --> 00:36:39,238
I think if you've been murdering
a lot of people, maybe go ahead

636
00:36:39,322 --> 00:36:41,282
and go to the crosswalk, you know?

637
00:36:44,911 --> 00:36:47,830
You just think you can get away
with anything at that point, y'know?

638
00:36:49,415 --> 00:36:52,418
You're like, "I've been killin' people.
I'll cross the street whenever I want."

639
00:36:53,794 --> 00:36:56,005
"Hey, you don't tell me
when to cross the street."

640
00:36:56,923 --> 00:36:58,257
"I'll kill ya."

641
00:37:00,218 --> 00:37:02,053
Y'know?

642
00:37:08,017 --> 00:37:09,936
You know, the problem with drugs is…

643
00:37:11,646 --> 00:37:14,357
…is addiction, right?
That's the problem with drugs, addiction.

644
00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:17,443
'Cause if we're not gettin' addicted,
we're just out here havin' a good time.

645
00:37:17,526 --> 00:37:19,820
Y'know what I mean?

646
00:37:19,904 --> 00:37:22,865
Like, if you could guarantee
I wouldn't get addicted, and I mean this,

647
00:37:22,949 --> 00:37:24,951
if you could guarantee
that I wouldn't get addicted,

648
00:37:25,034 --> 00:37:26,160
I'd try crack.

649
00:37:28,913 --> 00:37:32,625
I've always wanted to try it.
Um, seems like my kinda drug.

650
00:37:32,708 --> 00:37:35,169
Y'know, I don't wanna do it a lot,
one or two times.

651
00:37:35,253 --> 00:37:36,379
Well over one time.

652
00:37:36,462 --> 00:37:38,673
That's all I wanna do it.

653
00:37:38,756 --> 00:37:41,300
That's all I wanna do it.

654
00:37:41,384 --> 00:37:43,094
Well over one time, y'know?

655
00:37:43,177 --> 00:37:44,178
But I don't wanna…

656
00:37:44,262 --> 00:37:47,014
I don't wanna be, like,
a crackhead or whatever, y'know?

657
00:37:48,266 --> 00:37:49,183
So I don't do it.

658
00:37:49,267 --> 00:37:51,143
But imagine they could invent, like,

659
00:37:51,227 --> 00:37:53,479
a non-addictive crack, y'know?

660
00:37:53,562 --> 00:37:57,316
That'd be fun. Like, all the fun of crack
without the baggage, y'know?

661
00:37:57,817 --> 00:38:00,778
Crack that you can do today
but not tomorrow, y'know?

662
00:38:01,946 --> 00:38:04,991
Unless you want to, y'know?
At that point, it's up to you really.

663
00:38:05,074 --> 00:38:06,409
It's your choice.

664
00:38:06,492 --> 00:38:10,121
Um… but a lotta weed is becoming legal
in a lotta states, y'know,

665
00:38:10,204 --> 00:38:11,956
and they start setting up dispensaries.

666
00:38:12,039 --> 00:38:15,334
So you could start setting up
these crack dispensaries, y'know?

667
00:38:15,418 --> 00:38:18,004
You still make it look like
an old house if you want.

668
00:38:18,087 --> 00:38:20,131
Y'know, you don't…

669
00:38:22,758 --> 00:38:24,844
You don't wanna kill the vibe of crack.

670
00:38:26,178 --> 00:38:28,973
You don't wanna ruin
the aesthetic that crack has.

671
00:38:29,056 --> 00:38:30,766
But think about this.

672
00:38:30,850 --> 00:38:32,893
You're at work on Friday,
about to get off work.

673
00:38:32,977 --> 00:38:35,062
You're like,
"I don't really wanna drink this weekend,

674
00:38:35,146 --> 00:38:37,231
but I'd like to have some fun, y'know?"

675
00:38:37,315 --> 00:38:39,692
So, on your way home,
you stop off at the dispensary,

676
00:38:39,775 --> 00:38:44,322
and you get yourself a little rock,
and, uh… you go back to the house.

677
00:38:44,405 --> 00:38:46,907
And you don't do it on Friday.
You just kinda rest up.

678
00:38:46,991 --> 00:38:51,579
And then on Saturday, you get up,
maybe go out on the side deck, and, uh…

679
00:38:53,289 --> 00:38:55,541
Y'know what I mean?

680
00:38:55,624 --> 00:38:58,961
You got some cigarettes,
maybe a lightbulb, and, uh…

681
00:39:00,629 --> 00:39:03,215
You drop that rock in there,
and you fire it up, y'know?

682
00:39:03,299 --> 00:39:05,718
Smoke a little crack out there
on the back porch.

683
00:39:05,801 --> 00:39:07,636
Your neighbor sees you
over the privacy fence.

684
00:39:07,720 --> 00:39:11,140
You're like, "Oh, no."
"It's non-addictive now. This is…"

685
00:39:12,767 --> 00:39:15,269
"It's not gonna be a problem
in the future, y'know?"

686
00:39:15,770 --> 00:39:17,980
You ride it out on Saturday.
You recover on Sunday.

687
00:39:18,064 --> 00:39:18,981
Back at work on Monday.

688
00:39:19,065 --> 00:39:21,609
Your coworkers are like,
"What you do this weekend?"

689
00:39:21,692 --> 00:39:24,028
You're like, "Y'know what?
I tried crack for the first time."

690
00:39:24,111 --> 00:39:27,031
They go, "Whoa, how was it?"

691
00:39:27,114 --> 00:39:29,533
You're like, "Pretty wild, really.
I wasn't ready."

692
00:39:29,617 --> 00:39:31,952
"Started off pretty smooth,
then I kinda blacked out

693
00:39:32,036 --> 00:39:34,830
and… stole a catalytic converter, and…"

694
00:39:40,044 --> 00:39:42,296
"I don't know why.
I don't even know what it does, y'know?"

695
00:39:42,380 --> 00:39:43,839
"But…"

696
00:39:43,923 --> 00:39:45,883
"I just wanted to get my hands on one!"

697
00:39:52,473 --> 00:39:54,558
Took it off my own car though, so…

698
00:40:00,064 --> 00:40:03,067
It's a real…
It's a real mess out there, y'know?

699
00:40:03,150 --> 00:40:04,985
My driveway's in shambles.

700
00:40:06,445 --> 00:40:08,197
Had to Uber to work today.

701
00:40:12,243 --> 00:40:14,412
Thinkin' about doin' a little crack
this weekend. See…

702
00:40:14,912 --> 00:40:16,831
See if I can't get it back on, y'know?

703
00:40:18,833 --> 00:40:20,668
It's when I do my best work.

704
00:40:23,462 --> 00:40:25,297
I had a buddy that did crack one time,

705
00:40:25,381 --> 00:40:29,093
and, uh, he told me it felt like he was
having a heart attack the whole time.

706
00:40:29,176 --> 00:40:31,512
I don't know if he ever did it again,
but the next day,

707
00:40:31,595 --> 00:40:34,640
I had to drive him around
while he pawned a lotta DVDs.

708
00:40:38,144 --> 00:40:41,772
So I don't… I don't know if there's
a connection there or not, or if…

709
00:40:42,481 --> 00:40:45,192
or if he just started hatin' movies
after that, y'know?

710
00:40:46,861 --> 00:40:49,905
Just didn't have
the attention span for it after that.

711
00:40:51,574 --> 00:40:55,035
I don't know.
I don't know what it is, but, uh…

712
00:40:55,536 --> 00:40:56,745
Okay.

713
00:40:58,497 --> 00:41:00,958
Okay, well, I have kids now.
I have two kids.

714
00:41:01,041 --> 00:41:04,253
Thank you. And, uh… Yeah. Thank you.

715
00:41:04,336 --> 00:41:06,922
I do. I have two kids, and it's the bes--
One of them's a baby.

716
00:41:07,006 --> 00:41:10,676
Y'know, and I'm well over 40, and, uh…

717
00:41:10,759 --> 00:41:12,595
Yeah, I like to milk a joke.
Y'know what I mean?

718
00:41:12,678 --> 00:41:15,598
I like a lotta milk jokes,
and I'll milk a joke. And, uh…

719
00:41:18,267 --> 00:41:20,436
Thank you. And, uh, y'know…

720
00:41:20,519 --> 00:41:22,730
And I'm over 40.
I remember when my dad turned 40.

721
00:41:22,813 --> 00:41:26,317
It was a big deal.
We were like, "Dang. This guy is old!"

722
00:41:27,443 --> 00:41:31,447
Like, there was a sign in our yard
that said, "Lordy, Lordy, Richard's 40."

723
00:41:33,532 --> 00:41:36,660
You're like, "Dang, this guy's
about to die, I guess. I dunno."

724
00:41:37,870 --> 00:41:40,831
"He's so old,
the neighborhood's talkin' about it."

725
00:41:42,208 --> 00:41:45,127
But I don't feel old like that, y'know?
I feel good. I feel good.

726
00:41:45,211 --> 00:41:47,796
-But I did get vertigo not long ago.
-Yeah.

727
00:41:47,880 --> 00:41:50,716
I don't know if you guys know
what that is. Somebody does. And, uh…

728
00:41:51,967 --> 00:41:54,136
It's like a real
old-person thing, vertigo.

729
00:41:54,637 --> 00:41:56,764
The main symptom is you just get dizzy.

730
00:41:56,847 --> 00:41:59,517
I think that's the only symptom.
Physically, you're fine.

731
00:42:00,017 --> 00:42:01,352
Just real dizzy, y'know?

732
00:42:01,435 --> 00:42:03,687
You don't see
a lotta young kids with vertigo.

733
00:42:03,771 --> 00:42:07,107
You don't see kids jumpin' off
the merry-go-round, being like, "Ugh!"

734
00:42:07,191 --> 00:42:09,109
"Really activated my vertigo!"

735
00:42:13,739 --> 00:42:15,950
Kids like being dizzy. It's fun to them.

736
00:42:16,450 --> 00:42:18,285
It's devastating for an adult.

737
00:42:22,957 --> 00:42:26,168
You feel so weak.
Like, physically, nothin' wrong with you.

738
00:42:26,252 --> 00:42:28,587
But inside, you're like,
"Oh, I can't stand."

739
00:42:30,130 --> 00:42:33,050
"Can't even stare at the wall, really."

740
00:42:33,551 --> 00:42:35,970
"Keeps movin'."

741
00:42:36,554 --> 00:42:38,389
My friends call me up.
"Hey, you wanna go out?"

742
00:42:38,472 --> 00:42:41,725
I'm like, "Nah, I can't.
I'm real dizzy right now."

743
00:42:43,852 --> 00:42:47,231
They're like, "What happened?"
I'm like, "I was just sittin' here."

744
00:42:48,732 --> 00:42:50,234
"And then I got up."

745
00:42:51,902 --> 00:42:54,947
"After that, I was real dizzy, y'know?"

746
00:42:56,574 --> 00:43:00,703
I went to the doctor about it.
And this is a real doctor that I went to.

747
00:43:00,786 --> 00:43:04,039
I want you to know I didn't go through
any doorways made of beads to get there.

748
00:43:04,123 --> 00:43:05,833
But, uh…

749
00:43:08,919 --> 00:43:12,214
But he got real mystical with me, y'know?

750
00:43:12,298 --> 00:43:15,217
He was like,
"You got these crystals in your ears."

751
00:43:15,718 --> 00:43:17,636
And, uh, he said,

752
00:43:17,720 --> 00:43:20,556
"They get lost in there,
and they get turned around or whatever."

753
00:43:20,639 --> 00:43:23,350
"And you'll get--"
I'm paraphrasin' some. But he said…

754
00:43:25,936 --> 00:43:27,896
But apparently,
there<i>are</i>crystals in our ears.

755
00:43:27,980 --> 00:43:29,523
At least that's what everybody believes.

756
00:43:29,607 --> 00:43:31,483
That we all have
these crystals in our ears,

757
00:43:31,567 --> 00:43:33,611
and that's what's keeping us balanced.

758
00:43:33,694 --> 00:43:36,363
They weren't able
to present this crystal to me. They…

759
00:43:38,032 --> 00:43:41,493
They didn't x-ray my head and go,
"You see those crystals there?"

760
00:43:43,329 --> 00:43:46,707
But that's apparently what's happening.
There's crystals in… in your ear.

761
00:43:47,291 --> 00:43:49,001
So this is what I think happened.

762
00:43:49,084 --> 00:43:51,795
One time, I was using a Q-tip
to clean my ear,

763
00:43:52,296 --> 00:43:53,881
and I was really getting at it.

764
00:43:55,257 --> 00:43:58,302
Pulled the Q-tip out,
there was no more cotton left on the end.

765
00:44:01,472 --> 00:44:03,057
I got too into it, y'know?

766
00:44:03,140 --> 00:44:04,975
Just pulled out a stick.

767
00:44:07,436 --> 00:44:09,188
I was like, "That can't be right."

768
00:44:10,481 --> 00:44:12,650
So I reached in my ear,
and I tried to get it, y'know?

769
00:44:12,733 --> 00:44:15,027
I tried to pull the cotton out,
but I never got the cotton.

770
00:44:15,110 --> 00:44:17,029
I guess my ear sucked it up.

771
00:44:17,655 --> 00:44:19,406
It's like quicksand in there.

772
00:44:20,866 --> 00:44:23,410
So I think when my--
that cotton went down my ear canal,

773
00:44:23,494 --> 00:44:25,663
I think my crystal got lodged up in there…

774
00:44:27,915 --> 00:44:29,833
…and it took it down with it.

775
00:44:31,627 --> 00:44:34,088
I don't know how all this
is connected in my brain, y'know?

776
00:44:34,171 --> 00:44:38,634
I know that one doctor
can do the ear, nose,<i>and</i>throat, y'know?

777
00:44:40,886 --> 00:44:42,596
So it must be connected in some way.

778
00:44:42,680 --> 00:44:45,474
One day, I'd like to blow my nose
and be like, "Oh, there's that cotton."

779
00:44:45,557 --> 00:44:47,434
And, um…

780
00:44:47,518 --> 00:44:52,064
…pull it out, dig through it,
find my crystal, pop it back in.

781
00:44:52,690 --> 00:44:55,192
Be like, "Boom! I'm back, baby!"

782
00:44:57,820 --> 00:44:58,779
Thank you.

783
00:45:02,616 --> 00:45:05,994
But until then,
I'm just a little bit dizzy, and, uh…

784
00:45:07,162 --> 00:45:09,915
…have a lotta trouble on a carousel.

785
00:45:11,208 --> 00:45:13,085
Y'know what I mean?

786
00:45:14,169 --> 00:45:16,547
I don't know how ears work.
I don't know anything about ears.

787
00:45:16,630 --> 00:45:20,467
But I fly a lot, and every time I fly,
it feels like the pressure from the plane

788
00:45:20,551 --> 00:45:22,344
crushes my ear tubes.

789
00:45:22,428 --> 00:45:26,306
And then I have to hold my nose and blow,
and it reinflates the tubes.

790
00:45:26,807 --> 00:45:28,308
I don't know if that's what happens,

791
00:45:28,392 --> 00:45:30,686
but that's what
it feels like is happenin'.

792
00:45:31,562 --> 00:45:34,690
I can't breathe out of my ears, right?
I know that none of us can do that.

793
00:45:34,773 --> 00:45:37,693
That's not something weird with me.
I know that none of us can do that.

794
00:45:38,527 --> 00:45:41,739
But what I'm saying is,
I think I'm close to being able to do it.

795
00:45:44,491 --> 00:45:47,828
I think I'm just four or five of these
away from popping that tube,

796
00:45:48,328 --> 00:45:51,165
and then I'm just gettin' fresh air
in through the ears.

797
00:45:53,459 --> 00:45:56,336
And that's somethin' I want.
That<i>is</i>somethin' I want.

798
00:45:56,920 --> 00:45:58,881
I wanna be hard to suffocate.

799
00:46:02,134 --> 00:46:04,261
You gotta have four hands to get me.

800
00:46:11,685 --> 00:46:12,978
You wanna do it with a pillow?

801
00:46:13,061 --> 00:46:15,898
It's gotta be a body pillow.
You gotta wrap it all the way around.

802
00:46:15,981 --> 00:46:16,982
Tie it up!

803
00:46:18,776 --> 00:46:22,780
I wanna get kidnapped and they go,
"He can't… We can't suffocate this guy."

804
00:46:23,280 --> 00:46:24,907
"Let him go. Let him go."

805
00:46:29,912 --> 00:46:31,580
That is somethin' I want.

806
00:46:32,122 --> 00:46:34,333
That's some-- that's somethin' I'm into.

807
00:46:37,294 --> 00:46:39,296
What if there<i>was</i>
just enough poison in this bottle

808
00:46:39,379 --> 00:46:41,507
that I had to drink
the whole thing to die?

809
00:46:44,218 --> 00:46:46,261
At the end of the show,
I take the last sip,

810
00:46:46,345 --> 00:46:47,679
collapse on the stage.

811
00:46:47,763 --> 00:46:49,848
You guys think it's all part of the show,

812
00:46:49,932 --> 00:46:52,184
start filing out,
you go, "What a great show."

813
00:46:54,937 --> 00:46:57,648
And then you see the ambulance pull up.

814
00:46:57,731 --> 00:47:00,150
You're like,
"Wow, he's really diggin' into this, huh?"

815
00:47:01,610 --> 00:47:03,445
"Gettin' into that bit."

816
00:47:06,990 --> 00:47:09,117
But I like havin' kids.
I'm a big fan of kids.

817
00:47:09,201 --> 00:47:11,912
I never thought I would have kids.
I love it. I think it's the best.

818
00:47:11,995 --> 00:47:14,456
So now I try to encourage
other people to have kids.

819
00:47:14,540 --> 00:47:18,293
I'm always like, "If you don't have kids,
go home tonight and get pregnant."

820
00:47:18,377 --> 00:47:21,505
I'm pushin' it on 'em.
I'm like, "Do it! Do it!"

821
00:47:22,005 --> 00:47:25,008
I was talking to a friend of mine
one night outside a comedy club,

822
00:47:25,092 --> 00:47:29,346
and she was out there smokin' a cigarette,
and, uh, I got her so fired up.

823
00:47:29,429 --> 00:47:32,349
She was like, "Dang,
I wanna have a kid now too," y'know?

824
00:47:32,432 --> 00:47:35,811
She goes, "But then again,
if I get pregnant, I gotta quit smokin'."

825
00:47:35,894 --> 00:47:38,146
And I was like,
"Well, I don't know, y'know?"

826
00:47:40,858 --> 00:47:43,569
Like, it's different
for everybody, y'know?

827
00:47:44,361 --> 00:47:47,030
Like, for instance, my sister,
she smoked while she was pregnant,

828
00:47:47,114 --> 00:47:50,158
and it only took her six months
to have a baby.

829
00:47:51,869 --> 00:47:53,495
<i>Gracias</i>.

830
00:47:53,579 --> 00:47:55,622
Ha. Okay.

831
00:47:59,126 --> 00:48:01,420
Nah, that is true though. And, um…

832
00:48:02,921 --> 00:48:05,465
They're fine though.
That was years ago. They're fine.

833
00:48:06,341 --> 00:48:08,510
But I think my sister liked it
at the time, y'know,

834
00:48:08,594 --> 00:48:11,346
'cause the hospital
wanted to babysit for a while, so…

835
00:48:14,766 --> 00:48:17,686
She got to go back to her trailer
and smoke cigarettes and…

836
00:48:18,896 --> 00:48:20,647
…take care of her diabetes.

837
00:48:24,151 --> 00:48:26,945
My sister had, like,
the original diabetes, y'know?

838
00:48:27,029 --> 00:48:30,157
I know nowadays
we got a couple of different kinds. Um…

839
00:48:30,240 --> 00:48:32,743
And over the years,
we've developed a type 2, y'know,

840
00:48:32,826 --> 00:48:34,494
so we'll call the original "type 1."

841
00:48:34,578 --> 00:48:37,080
But back when I was growin' up,
there was just one kind.

842
00:48:37,164 --> 00:48:40,500
So we didn't call it "type 1."
We just called it "diabetes" or whatever.

843
00:48:40,584 --> 00:48:43,086
I don't know if that's true,
but that is how<i>I</i>remember it.

844
00:48:44,588 --> 00:48:47,799
I don't remember there being
a lot of kinds of diabetes back then.

845
00:48:48,300 --> 00:48:50,260
And my sister has the original, y'know?

846
00:48:50,344 --> 00:48:53,430
It felt like nobody in my family
really knew a lot about diabetes, y'know,

847
00:48:53,513 --> 00:48:55,515
'cause we'd be out playin'
when we were kids,

848
00:48:55,599 --> 00:48:58,352
and my sister's blood sugar would get low
or whatever, and we'd be like…

849
00:48:58,435 --> 00:49:00,562
And she would kinda zombie out out there.

850
00:49:01,438 --> 00:49:03,941
And we're like,
"Why you being all quiet?" Y'know?

851
00:49:06,401 --> 00:49:08,153
And then she'd go to the hospital.

852
00:49:12,199 --> 00:49:15,452
After a while, we realized, you just kinda
shove a Jolly Rancher in her mouth,

853
00:49:15,535 --> 00:49:18,163
y'know, and she…
she'd kinda spring back to life.

854
00:49:19,790 --> 00:49:23,001
And we're like, "All right, you're up!"
Y'know, "You're pitchin'." It's like…

855
00:49:23,919 --> 00:49:25,796
"There's only three of us out here."

856
00:49:26,630 --> 00:49:28,799
"Can't be sleepin'
on the mound like that."

857
00:49:33,679 --> 00:49:36,431
It's weird how, with diabetes,
like, candy could kill you

858
00:49:36,515 --> 00:49:38,850
but also kinda bring you
back to life, y'know?

859
00:49:38,934 --> 00:49:41,687
It's… pretty crazy.

860
00:49:41,770 --> 00:49:43,647
Somebody's suffocatin'
out there right now.

861
00:49:45,065 --> 00:49:48,402
Don't know if you heard that, but there is
someone in the audience gaspin' for air.

862
00:49:49,861 --> 00:49:51,029
You might check on 'em.

863
00:49:51,780 --> 00:49:54,825
But someone is dyin' in the audience,
so if you wanna check that out.

864
00:49:56,368 --> 00:49:59,121
This is a person that needs a CPAP
while they're awake.

865
00:50:08,630 --> 00:50:10,340
You're chokin' when you're awake.

866
00:50:17,472 --> 00:50:19,182
You go in to get a sleep test,
they're like,

867
00:50:19,266 --> 00:50:21,226
"We started this when you walked in."

868
00:50:26,440 --> 00:50:27,357
Okay.

869
00:50:27,441 --> 00:50:28,775
Okay.

870
00:50:30,610 --> 00:50:32,320
No, we're havin' a good time though.

871
00:50:32,404 --> 00:50:34,781
Thank you.

872
00:50:39,453 --> 00:50:41,872
We want everybody to breathe, y'know?

873
00:50:43,540 --> 00:50:44,958
It is good.

874
00:50:46,293 --> 00:50:49,046
My sister used to go to the hospital
all the time, y'know?

875
00:50:49,129 --> 00:50:51,465
And, uh, we never got to travel
growin' up, y'know?

876
00:50:51,548 --> 00:50:53,341
So, when you never get to go anywhere,

877
00:50:53,425 --> 00:50:56,678
even going to the hospital
is like a trip, y'know?

878
00:50:56,762 --> 00:51:00,182
So my sister would go to the hospital,
and I'd be like, "I wanna go too," y'know?

879
00:51:00,682 --> 00:51:03,310
"I wanna get out of the trailer park
for a while," y'know?

880
00:51:03,393 --> 00:51:05,270
"I wanna mingle with the city folks."

881
00:51:05,353 --> 00:51:08,231
Y'know what I mean?

882
00:51:08,315 --> 00:51:11,234
So we'd go down there, and my mom
and sister would do hospital stuff.

883
00:51:11,318 --> 00:51:14,071
And I was a kid. I'd just kinda
play around in the hospital, y'know?

884
00:51:14,154 --> 00:51:18,116
Messin' with the rubber gloves,
blowing 'em up, makin' balloon animals.

885
00:51:18,200 --> 00:51:20,619
Y'know? Mainly, the turkey
is the animal that…

886
00:51:21,953 --> 00:51:23,747
…that I did the best.

887
00:51:24,331 --> 00:51:28,210
Be a lotta turkeys
around that hospital floor.

888
00:51:28,960 --> 00:51:30,087
Really in the way.

889
00:51:30,170 --> 00:51:31,379
Doctors trippin'.

890
00:51:32,464 --> 00:51:34,382
I loved it though.

891
00:51:34,466 --> 00:51:36,343
My… my sister would be in a coma,

892
00:51:36,426 --> 00:51:37,469
and, uh…

893
00:51:38,804 --> 00:51:41,348
…I'm putting gloves on my hand,
blowin' it up.

894
00:51:41,848 --> 00:51:43,141
My mom's cryin'.

895
00:51:43,225 --> 00:51:45,143
I'm like, "Look how big my hand is!"

896
00:51:49,397 --> 00:51:51,483
It's fun being a kid, you know?

897
00:51:51,566 --> 00:51:54,653
Just oblivious to everything
goin' on out here.

898
00:51:56,071 --> 00:51:59,199
I'm like, "She gonna eat all that Jell-O
or what, man?"

899
00:52:01,493 --> 00:52:03,829
"Dang, she's been asleep a long time."

900
00:52:04,955 --> 00:52:07,582
"To be honest with ya, I wouldn't mind
gettin' into that puddin'."

901
00:52:08,667 --> 00:52:11,128
It's like, "Dang, I'm awake!" Y'know?

902
00:52:13,672 --> 00:52:14,673
Okay.

903
00:52:16,925 --> 00:52:20,345
My sister, she used to go to the hospital
all the time, not just for diabetes.

904
00:52:20,428 --> 00:52:22,305
She was on a four-wheeler
with her boyfriend,

905
00:52:22,389 --> 00:52:24,933
and they accidentally ran through
a barbed wire fence.

906
00:52:25,016 --> 00:52:26,309
And, uh…

907
00:52:26,393 --> 00:52:27,894
Yeah, that's not a full joke, is it?

908
00:52:27,978 --> 00:52:29,604
That's, uh…

909
00:52:29,688 --> 00:52:31,857
Okay, they did get pretty hurt.

910
00:52:31,940 --> 00:52:34,234
And, uh…

911
00:52:34,317 --> 00:52:35,944
Another time, my sister, my other sister,

912
00:52:36,027 --> 00:52:38,155
threw a frozen candy bar,
hit my sister in the head.

913
00:52:38,238 --> 00:52:39,990
She had to get ten stitches.

914
00:52:40,574 --> 00:52:43,451
Candy was tryin' to kill her
every time she turned around.

915
00:52:50,000 --> 00:52:52,836
Uh… Okay. And, uh…

916
00:52:53,336 --> 00:52:56,423
Okay. And, uh…

917
00:52:57,924 --> 00:53:01,178
I've had a lotta car wrecks.
I've wrecked a lotta cars.

918
00:53:01,261 --> 00:53:05,265
Been through a lotta cars.
I used to have a 1982 Buick LeSabre.

919
00:53:05,348 --> 00:53:07,642
-Whoo!
-Real big car, used a lotta gas.

920
00:53:07,726 --> 00:53:10,228
It was a good car though.
I used to make this joke at work.

921
00:53:10,312 --> 00:53:11,938
I'd be like, "That car uses so much gas,

922
00:53:12,022 --> 00:53:14,357
I bet it's using gas right now
in the parking lot."

923
00:53:15,108 --> 00:53:17,402
It's a great work joke.
People love that joke.

924
00:53:18,612 --> 00:53:21,823
That joke crushes in a Home Depot
break room, I'll tell you that.

925
00:53:25,076 --> 00:53:27,787
One guy didn't get it.
He goes, "Hell, you might have a leak."

926
00:53:33,501 --> 00:53:35,754
I was like, "Nah, I don't think so, but…"

927
00:53:36,254 --> 00:53:39,007
I did have a car that leaked
a lotta oil for a while, y'know?

928
00:53:39,090 --> 00:53:40,842
And I like that in a car, y'know?

929
00:53:41,343 --> 00:53:43,595
Like, you leak a little oil,
pour a little in there.

930
00:53:43,678 --> 00:53:45,847
Leak a little oil, pour a little in there.

931
00:53:45,931 --> 00:53:47,432
Never get an oil change.

932
00:53:50,560 --> 00:53:53,188
People like, "When's the last time
you changed the oil on this car?"

933
00:53:53,271 --> 00:53:55,148
I'm like, "It's changin' right now."

934
00:54:00,654 --> 00:54:03,281
"All right?
This car is efficient here, buddy. Okay?"

935
00:54:03,782 --> 00:54:07,202
I don't have to go down to Jiffy Lube
and get ripped off on an air filter.

936
00:54:09,746 --> 00:54:11,539
I love that.
You go to some oil-change place,

937
00:54:11,623 --> 00:54:13,208
and they pull out this dirty air filter.

938
00:54:13,291 --> 00:54:15,502
I'm like, "Put it back in there!"

939
00:54:18,380 --> 00:54:22,008
You see 'em across the shop.
You're like, "Put it back in there!"

940
00:54:23,009 --> 00:54:26,137
"Yeah, it's dirty.
It's workin', man. Okay?"

941
00:54:26,638 --> 00:54:29,224
"Might wanna check that thing
for a hard hat, okay?"

942
00:54:34,020 --> 00:54:35,438
Okay.

943
00:54:38,483 --> 00:54:41,820
Before that car, I had a…
I had a 1999 Saturn.

944
00:54:41,903 --> 00:54:44,447
Uh, four-door, dark blue, gray bumpers.

945
00:54:44,531 --> 00:54:45,782
Real hot car.

946
00:54:45,865 --> 00:54:47,659
Whoo!

947
00:54:47,742 --> 00:54:50,578
Stick shift, no power steering.
Real hard to drive.

948
00:54:52,831 --> 00:54:55,500
Manual everything.
There wasn't a button in that car.

949
00:54:58,753 --> 00:55:01,464
I flipped it. I flipped that car.

950
00:55:02,048 --> 00:55:03,300
I used to drink and drive a lot.

951
00:55:03,383 --> 00:55:05,719
I'm not braggin' about it,
but I did used to do it a lot.

952
00:55:05,802 --> 00:55:08,513
And, uh, flipped that car.
I think I did a full roll.

953
00:55:08,596 --> 00:55:13,018
I don't know. I was blacked out.
But I… broke off both side mirrors.

954
00:55:13,101 --> 00:55:15,270
So I think that's a full roll, when you…

955
00:55:17,397 --> 00:55:20,025
But I landed upside down
in some kinda swamp area.

956
00:55:20,108 --> 00:55:22,986
And, uh, I was alone.
Nobody got hurt, y'know?

957
00:55:23,069 --> 00:55:26,531
I crawled out the window,
I lost my glasses and my flip-flops.

958
00:55:28,491 --> 00:55:30,577
I was a different guy back then, y'know?

959
00:55:32,037 --> 00:55:34,414
I was livin' that salt life.
Y'know what I mean?

960
00:55:34,497 --> 00:55:37,250
Thank you. Thank you.

961
00:55:37,334 --> 00:55:38,710
Yeah.

962
00:55:39,878 --> 00:55:42,881
Messed around, had one too many margaritas
down at the crab shack.

963
00:55:42,964 --> 00:55:44,466
And, uh…

964
00:55:44,549 --> 00:55:47,302
…I lost control.

965
00:55:47,969 --> 00:55:50,221
I'm standin' out in the middle
of the road. It's December.

966
00:55:50,305 --> 00:55:53,641
I'm cold. I'm wet.
I got no shoes. I got no glasses.

967
00:55:53,725 --> 00:55:56,186
And I'm like…
I'm about to walk home, y'know?

968
00:55:56,269 --> 00:55:59,230
I didn't know if I'd get in trouble
for leavin' the scene of the accident,

969
00:55:59,314 --> 00:56:01,524
but I knew I'd get in trouble if I stayed.

970
00:56:06,654 --> 00:56:09,199
I was like,
"We gotta get outta here, y'know?"

971
00:56:10,283 --> 00:56:12,160
And this guy pulled up in a van,

972
00:56:12,243 --> 00:56:14,162
and he goes, "Do you need a ride?"

973
00:56:14,245 --> 00:56:15,705
And I was like, "Yes, I do."

974
00:56:16,873 --> 00:56:18,833
He's like, "Is that your car, upside down,

975
00:56:18,917 --> 00:56:21,086
with the headlights
pointed at the woods like that?"

976
00:56:22,379 --> 00:56:24,923
I was like, "What's that?"

977
00:56:29,260 --> 00:56:30,887
"Nah, that ain't<i>my</i>car, man."

978
00:56:30,970 --> 00:56:33,431
"But that looks bad though.
Let's get outta here."

979
00:56:34,849 --> 00:56:37,560
"We gotta get outta here right now.
Let's get outta here."

980
00:56:39,104 --> 00:56:41,314
And this guy drove me home
in the middle of the night.

981
00:56:41,398 --> 00:56:42,982
And I was so thankful for this guy.

982
00:56:43,066 --> 00:56:45,944
I was like, "I can't believe this guy
just gave me a ride home like that."

983
00:56:46,027 --> 00:56:49,406
I wanted to tip him, y'know,
like he was some sort of Uber driver.

984
00:56:49,906 --> 00:56:52,617
So I just reached in my pocket,
I grabbed whatever money was in there,

985
00:56:52,700 --> 00:56:55,453
handed it to the guy,
and then I went inside and went to sleep.

986
00:56:55,537 --> 00:56:57,622
Next morning, I woke up,
checked my pocket,

987
00:56:57,705 --> 00:56:59,249
all my money was still there.

988
00:56:59,332 --> 00:57:02,419
So I guess I just gave this guy,
like, a lotta receipts.

989
00:57:04,879 --> 00:57:06,172
Whoo!

990
00:57:06,256 --> 00:57:08,133
This guy's flippin' through bar tabs.

991
00:57:08,216 --> 00:57:11,052
He's like, "I'm starting to think
it<i>was</i>that guy's car."

992
00:57:13,138 --> 00:57:15,515
Know what I mean?

993
00:57:15,598 --> 00:57:16,516
Okay.

994
00:57:18,560 --> 00:57:19,477
Can you imagine that?

995
00:57:19,561 --> 00:57:22,188
You give a guy a ride home
in the middle of the night like that,

996
00:57:22,272 --> 00:57:23,648
do a nice thing, get to his house,

997
00:57:23,731 --> 00:57:27,569
and he goes,
"Here, take this trash for me too, buddy."

998
00:57:28,194 --> 00:57:31,656
"Yeah, appreciate the ride.
Throw this out though on the way home."

999
00:57:32,740 --> 00:57:35,577
"Yeah, I got a big day tomorrow.
I got a lot goin' on."

1000
00:57:36,578 --> 00:57:39,956
"Yeah, I got a big day.
Tryin' to get my life together tomorrow."

1001
00:57:40,540 --> 00:57:43,126
"Yeah, I gotta call my insurance company."

1002
00:57:44,169 --> 00:57:46,421
"I got a lotta lying to do tomorrow."

1003
00:57:50,675 --> 00:57:52,635
I've wrecked every car I've ever owned,

1004
00:57:52,719 --> 00:57:55,138
uh, to some degree, y'know?

1005
00:57:55,221 --> 00:57:58,141
Uh, not totaled every car,
but I've wrecked every one of 'em.

1006
00:57:58,224 --> 00:58:00,810
And sometimes,
I just destroy the inside of a car.

1007
00:58:01,895 --> 00:58:05,106
I've gotten food poison… I used to get
food poisoning a lot back in the day.

1008
00:58:05,190 --> 00:58:07,275
You ever gotten food poisoning in the car?

1009
00:58:07,775 --> 00:58:09,486
No? Maybe that's not
the right way to ask it.

1010
00:58:09,569 --> 00:58:11,988
Let me ask it like this.

1011
00:58:12,071 --> 00:58:15,700
You ever, uh… you ever thrown up
on the inside of your own windshield?

1012
00:58:19,829 --> 00:58:22,582
I don't mean hit the dash
and work its way to the windshield.

1013
00:58:22,665 --> 00:58:26,544
I mean, windshield first,
splashin' back on the knuckles.

1014
00:58:26,628 --> 00:58:28,421
Y'know what I mean?

1015
00:58:31,424 --> 00:58:34,427
Okay. It's goin' down
in the vents up there.

1016
00:58:38,389 --> 00:58:41,518
I never could defrost well after that,
y'know what I mean?

1017
00:58:43,061 --> 00:58:45,021
You know what I mean.

1018
00:58:46,189 --> 00:58:47,357
Okay.

1019
00:58:48,024 --> 00:58:50,109
I was feeling sick that day, y'know?

1020
00:58:50,610 --> 00:58:52,862
Not real sick.
Like, I wasn't really nauseous.

1021
00:58:52,946 --> 00:58:55,657
I just had a lotta sharp,
stabbin' pains in my stomach.

1022
00:58:57,283 --> 00:58:59,285
I just kept thinkin',
"Y'know, I just need to…"

1023
00:58:59,369 --> 00:59:02,455
Well, my stomach…
my stomach was real hard, y'know?

1024
00:59:02,539 --> 00:59:04,332
Hard in a way
I'd like it to be all the time,

1025
00:59:04,415 --> 00:59:07,961
but… a lot more swollen than I would like.

1026
00:59:08,795 --> 00:59:11,172
And I just kept thinking,
y'know, "I just need to burp."

1027
00:59:11,256 --> 00:59:15,677
"If I could just burp,
I would really feel a lot better, y'know?"

1028
00:59:15,760 --> 00:59:18,012
I don't like the word "burp."
I know that's a gross word.

1029
00:59:18,096 --> 00:59:19,097
I hate the word "burp."

1030
00:59:19,180 --> 00:59:21,015
I wish there were a better word, y'know?

1031
00:59:21,099 --> 00:59:23,017
Some people will say "belch."

1032
00:59:24,769 --> 00:59:27,105
I'm like, "Nah, that's a worse word for…"

1033
00:59:28,731 --> 00:59:29,941
That's what the doctor says.

1034
00:59:30,024 --> 00:59:32,944
I went to the doctor.
They were like, "You been belchin' a lot?"

1035
00:59:33,903 --> 00:59:37,198
Pff, I'm like, "Honestly, I don't even
drink grape juice, y'know what I mean?"

1036
00:59:37,699 --> 00:59:39,325
Okay, that's a good joke though.

1037
00:59:39,409 --> 00:59:41,619
Ha-ha!

1038
00:59:43,329 --> 00:59:46,040
No, it is a good joke though.

1039
00:59:46,124 --> 00:59:48,293
I just needed to burp.
I was like, "I just need to burp."

1040
00:59:48,376 --> 00:59:52,463
So I stopped, and I got myself a Sprite,
and, uh, I get back in the car.

1041
00:59:52,547 --> 00:59:55,341
I'm drivin' down the road,
drinkin' the thirst quencher…

1042
00:59:55,842 --> 00:59:58,511
…and my stomach starts to rumble a bit,

1043
00:59:58,595 --> 01:00:00,763
and I go, "Okay, here we go," y'know?

1044
01:00:00,847 --> 01:00:03,600
I'm gettin' excited about it,
'cause I know a burp's comin'.

1045
01:00:03,683 --> 01:00:07,353
And a burp is all I need to get me back
to where I need to be, y'know?

1046
01:00:07,937 --> 01:00:11,274
I'm startin' to prepare some kinda
post-burp celebration, y'know?

1047
01:00:12,692 --> 01:00:14,193
I'm excited about it.

1048
01:00:14,694 --> 01:00:16,404
And finally, the burp comes.

1049
01:00:16,904 --> 01:00:19,574
And it was<i>so</i>much more than a burp.

1050
01:00:20,158 --> 01:00:23,745
I never saw it coming.
It came out like a pressure washer. Right?

1051
01:00:24,287 --> 01:00:26,164
I thought I'd cracked the windshield.

1052
01:00:27,540 --> 01:00:29,375
I was just happy
I had a headrest that day.

1053
01:00:29,459 --> 01:00:31,669
I mighta snapped my neck in that car.

1054
01:00:36,549 --> 01:00:40,011
It was just sheer power, man.

1055
01:00:40,595 --> 01:00:42,388
I never seen anything like it.

1056
01:00:42,889 --> 01:00:44,557
Not up until that point or after.

1057
01:00:44,641 --> 01:00:48,603
It was… just an anomaly of an experience.

1058
01:00:48,686 --> 01:00:50,396
It was so wild!

1059
01:00:50,897 --> 01:00:53,274
I was on the interstate that day.

1060
01:00:53,358 --> 01:00:56,277
Yeah. But I was in standstill traffic.

1061
01:00:57,278 --> 01:00:58,321
Cars all around me.

1062
01:00:58,404 --> 01:00:59,781
Middle of the day. Hot day.

1063
01:00:59,864 --> 01:01:01,324
Wet heat. Y'know what I mean?

1064
01:01:01,407 --> 01:01:02,950
Whoo!

1065
01:01:07,664 --> 01:01:10,083
I was somewhere in between
Wilmington, North Carolina

1066
01:01:10,166 --> 01:01:11,793
and Shallotte, North Carolina.

1067
01:01:11,876 --> 01:01:14,462
And, uh, I like to let people know
where I was at

1068
01:01:14,962 --> 01:01:17,048
'cause I've been lookin' for somebody

1069
01:01:17,131 --> 01:01:19,550
that might have been
on the interstate that day…

1070
01:01:21,135 --> 01:01:22,804
…and saw what happened.

1071
01:01:23,304 --> 01:01:25,640
I'm looking for a witness.
Y'know what I mean?

1072
01:01:25,723 --> 01:01:27,725
Like, I know what it looked like to me.

1073
01:01:29,310 --> 01:01:31,771
I wanna know what it looked like
to other people.

1074
01:01:34,023 --> 01:01:36,192
I wanna know what they saw that day.

1075
01:01:37,110 --> 01:01:38,653
How'd it make 'em feel?

1076
01:01:39,779 --> 01:01:41,864
What'd it make 'em think about, y'know?

1077
01:01:43,533 --> 01:01:46,035
I like to think it was somebody
havin' a rough day.

1078
01:01:47,412 --> 01:01:48,454
Some…

1079
01:01:48,538 --> 01:01:50,832
Just some guy
just sittin' out there in his car,

1080
01:01:50,915 --> 01:01:53,126
stuck in five o'clock traffic again.

1081
01:01:53,209 --> 01:01:54,961
He's like, "Ugh!"

1082
01:01:55,044 --> 01:01:57,213
He's like, "I hate my job."

1083
01:01:57,296 --> 01:01:58,756
"I hate my car."

1084
01:01:58,840 --> 01:02:01,926
"I'm about to go home. I hate my house."

1085
01:02:02,009 --> 01:02:03,594
"I hate my family."

1086
01:02:04,846 --> 01:02:07,515
He's like, "My life sucks, man."

1087
01:02:08,015 --> 01:02:09,475
And then he looks over…

1088
01:02:11,853 --> 01:02:14,021
He looks over,

1089
01:02:14,105 --> 01:02:16,774
and I'm throwing up in my own windshield?

1090
01:02:16,858 --> 01:02:19,527
Whoo!

1091
01:02:19,610 --> 01:02:23,322
And he's like,
"Well, it's not<i>that</i>bad."

1092
01:02:26,868 --> 01:02:29,036
Right.

1093
01:02:29,120 --> 01:02:31,539
Okay. Thank you. Thank you.

1094
01:02:32,915 --> 01:02:34,917
Whoo-whoo!

1095
01:02:35,001 --> 01:02:38,379
He's like, "Sure, there are some things
I'd like to change, y'know…"

1096
01:02:39,422 --> 01:02:42,633
"…but I'm not throwin' up
in my own windshield

1097
01:02:43,342 --> 01:02:45,720
like some kinda loser out here."

1098
01:02:47,263 --> 01:02:49,932
I like to think
I changed his life that day, y'know?

1099
01:02:50,808 --> 01:02:53,060
Wasn't over for me though. I had to…

1100
01:02:53,144 --> 01:02:56,314
I had to pull off to the side of the road.
I kept throwin' up.

1101
01:02:57,148 --> 01:02:59,567
Nobody stopped to help.

1102
01:03:01,319 --> 01:03:03,237
Who would though, y'know?

1103
01:03:03,863 --> 01:03:07,575
I'll help a stranger change a tire,
but if you're throwin' up like that,

1104
01:03:08,075 --> 01:03:11,704
you could be a friend and I'm rollin' up
the windows, lockin' the doors.

1105
01:03:12,955 --> 01:03:16,083
I'm like, "I don't think so.
You handle that on your own. I'm not…"

1106
01:03:16,709 --> 01:03:18,961
"I'm not getting that on me, y'know?"

1107
01:03:19,796 --> 01:03:23,925
I wasn't ready for it. Nobody is, y'know?
I wasn't go… I wasn't…

1108
01:03:25,968 --> 01:03:27,970
I wasn't going to the beach
that day, y'know?

1109
01:03:28,054 --> 01:03:30,973
I didn't have
a lotta extra towels in the car.

1110
01:03:31,766 --> 01:03:33,643
I had four Burger King napkins.

1111
01:03:36,979 --> 01:03:38,356
Yeah.

1112
01:03:38,439 --> 01:03:41,150
Had to use two of those
to wipe my own mustache.

1113
01:03:46,322 --> 01:03:48,908
The smell never goes away.

1114
01:03:48,991 --> 01:03:52,620
I know that's gross,
but… the smell never goes away.

1115
01:03:52,703 --> 01:03:55,331
I gave somebody a ride
the next day in that car.

1116
01:03:55,414 --> 01:03:57,708
I know.

1117
01:03:57,792 --> 01:04:00,878
I was like, "Listen, I'll give you a ride,
but you'll wish you walked,

1118
01:04:00,962 --> 01:04:01,963
I'll tell you that."

1119
01:04:03,798 --> 01:04:07,260
But he was like,
"I just need to pawn a couple of DVDs!"

1120
01:04:15,601 --> 01:04:17,770
"It's not a big deal."

1121
01:04:17,854 --> 01:04:19,188
No, the smell never goes away.

1122
01:04:19,272 --> 01:04:21,732
I gave somebody a ride
a couple of<i>years</i>later.

1123
01:04:22,400 --> 01:04:25,403
They go, "D'you just throw up in here?"

1124
01:04:25,987 --> 01:04:28,614
I go, "No, it was years ago, but, uh,

1125
01:04:29,365 --> 01:04:31,450
seems like it was yesterday, doesn't it?"

1126
01:04:33,327 --> 01:04:35,997
I traded that car in.
They drove it off a cliff.

1127
01:04:38,124 --> 01:04:40,334
Right there in front of me.
They're like, "Don't ever…

1128
01:04:40,418 --> 01:04:42,795
don't ever bring a car
like this in here again."

1129
01:04:43,838 --> 01:04:46,382
"We'll take this one,
but don't you do it again."

1130
01:04:47,300 --> 01:04:49,802
"We don't even want that car on the lot."

1131
01:04:53,639 --> 01:04:56,434
"One test-drive
ruined our reputation here."

1132
01:04:57,184 --> 01:04:58,436
Nah, that's gross though.

1133
01:04:58,519 --> 01:05:00,980
I don't like to do
a lotta gross jokes like that, y'know?

1134
01:05:01,063 --> 01:05:03,900
I'm not into a lotta throw-up jokes.
That's not my thing.

1135
01:05:03,983 --> 01:05:06,485
I don't like a lotta gross…
I don't like a lotta throw-up jokes.

1136
01:05:06,569 --> 01:05:10,406
I don't like a lotta fart jokes.
I'm not into that sort of stuff, y'know?

1137
01:05:10,489 --> 01:05:14,118
I know a lotta guys that are kinda like
fart in your area, y'know?

1138
01:05:14,201 --> 01:05:16,662
And that's a big joke to them.
It's very funny.

1139
01:05:17,163 --> 01:05:18,748
That's not my kinda joke, y'know?

1140
01:05:18,831 --> 01:05:21,083
If I gotta fart,
I try to go off to the side.

1141
01:05:21,834 --> 01:05:24,170
I try to be very discreet
about it, y'know?

1142
01:05:24,670 --> 01:05:27,924
But it feels like
no matter where I go to let one out,

1143
01:05:28,424 --> 01:05:29,592
somebody pops up.

1144
01:05:32,094 --> 01:05:35,056
I could go into a closet to let out a few,

1145
01:05:35,681 --> 01:05:36,766
somebody will pop up.

1146
01:05:36,849 --> 01:05:38,726
"Hey, dude, what's goin' on in here?"

1147
01:05:40,353 --> 01:05:42,396
"You fartin' in here or what, man?"

1148
01:05:43,940 --> 01:05:46,108
"You should get back out
to the party, y'know?"

1149
01:05:46,984 --> 01:05:48,986
"Instead of fartin' in here all night."

1150
01:05:49,946 --> 01:05:52,531
"Blowin' up all the coats, y'know?"

1151
01:05:56,494 --> 01:05:59,163
"You're not supposed to be
breathin' that in, y'know?"

1152
01:05:59,872 --> 01:06:02,249
"That's why you're gettin'
all dizzy like that."

1153
01:06:06,337 --> 01:06:08,506
If I fart and somebody walks up to me,

1154
01:06:08,589 --> 01:06:10,758
I just go ahead
and let 'em know what happened.

1155
01:06:12,134 --> 01:06:15,388
I go, "Hey, I just want you to know,
I just farted here, okay?"

1156
01:06:18,641 --> 01:06:20,977
'Cause I would rather
you know that I farted

1157
01:06:21,060 --> 01:06:24,605
than leave the conversation
thinkin' I smell like farts.

1158
01:06:26,440 --> 01:06:27,400
Whoo!

1159
01:06:30,069 --> 01:06:32,321
"I want you to know
somethin' went down here."

1160
01:06:32,405 --> 01:06:33,781
Y'know what I mean?

1161
01:06:35,157 --> 01:06:37,660
"Like, if you'd showed up
about 30 seconds earlier,

1162
01:06:37,743 --> 01:06:39,120
it wouldn't be like this."

1163
01:06:40,413 --> 01:06:42,832
"Or a couple of minutes later,
it'd be clear, y'know?"

1164
01:06:42,915 --> 01:06:45,710
"But you happened to come
right when a thing happened."

1165
01:06:48,004 --> 01:06:51,007
"I don't want you thinkin'
I smell like this all the time."

1166
01:06:52,967 --> 01:06:55,386
I don't know why
I keep farting in elevators.

1167
01:06:56,846 --> 01:06:58,639
I don't want to, y'know?

1168
01:06:58,723 --> 01:07:00,474
I'm not lookin' to do it.

1169
01:07:00,558 --> 01:07:03,602
I stay in a lotta hotels,
and I got these long, empty hallways,

1170
01:07:03,686 --> 01:07:05,896
practically abandoned hallways,
I can walk down.

1171
01:07:05,980 --> 01:07:07,732
I can do whatever I want in there.

1172
01:07:07,815 --> 01:07:10,818
Some of these hotels are so bad
I could start a small fire in there

1173
01:07:10,901 --> 01:07:13,362
and nobody would know, y'know?

1174
01:07:13,863 --> 01:07:15,740
But somehow, I get to that elevator

1175
01:07:15,823 --> 01:07:18,743
and my body's like,
"Nah, this is where it's gonna happen."

1176
01:07:19,910 --> 01:07:22,413
"Yeah, you got your own
little private area here."

1177
01:07:22,913 --> 01:07:25,791
"This is where it's gonna happen."

1178
01:07:25,875 --> 01:07:28,502
I did it in an elevator in Vegas one time.

1179
01:07:29,003 --> 01:07:31,172
I got on the elevator on the 30th floor.

1180
01:07:31,672 --> 01:07:33,382
I was all alone in there.

1181
01:07:33,466 --> 01:07:35,634
Passed a little gas, y'know?

1182
01:07:35,718 --> 01:07:38,929
Not a big deal,
but you could smell it though, y'know?

1183
01:07:41,390 --> 01:07:45,269
I dropped down one floor, to floor 29,
and the doors open up.

1184
01:07:45,352 --> 01:07:47,938
Two of the most attractive women
I've ever seen in my life…

1185
01:07:48,022 --> 01:07:49,648
Whoo!

1186
01:07:49,732 --> 01:07:51,776
…were standin' there waitin' to get in.

1187
01:07:52,359 --> 01:07:53,652
I just got out.

1188
01:07:59,867 --> 01:08:02,661
I was like,
"Nah, I got business on floor 29."

1189
01:08:03,454 --> 01:08:04,455
I'm like, "This 29?"

1190
01:08:04,538 --> 01:08:07,166
"Yeah, couldn't find the stairs,
but I'm lookin' for 29."

1191
01:08:07,666 --> 01:08:10,127
"This is 29? Yeah, I'm looking for 29."

1192
01:08:10,211 --> 01:08:11,962
Like, they'll know it's me, right?

1193
01:08:12,046 --> 01:08:14,673
But I'm not gonna ride 29 floors with ya,

1194
01:08:15,758 --> 01:08:17,760
hangin' my head in shame.

1195
01:08:20,304 --> 01:08:23,557
I just feel bad for them
when they get down to floor 28

1196
01:08:24,517 --> 01:08:26,435
and the doors open again.

1197
01:08:27,436 --> 01:08:29,105
Now<i>they</i>gotta get out.

1198
01:08:32,566 --> 01:08:34,902
I get back in on 29…

1199
01:08:37,029 --> 01:08:38,948
…pick them up on 28…

1200
01:08:40,366 --> 01:08:43,828
I'm like,
"Ah, it's a pretty good elevator, huh?"

1201
01:08:45,246 --> 01:08:47,665
"What brand is this?"

1202
01:08:47,748 --> 01:08:49,667
All right. Hey, thank you very much, guys.

1203
01:08:49,750 --> 01:08:51,627
I appreciate ya.

1204
01:08:51,710 --> 01:08:53,129
You guys were great.

1205
01:08:53,629 --> 01:08:54,630
Thank you.

1206
01:08:55,422 --> 01:08:56,465
Thank you.

1207
01:09:57,943 --> 01:09:59,612
Mary Jane was climbin' a tree one day,

1208
01:09:59,695 --> 01:10:02,448
and this boy ran up,
just looking up her dress.

1209
01:10:02,531 --> 01:10:04,575
And Mary Jane's mother said,

1210
01:10:04,658 --> 01:10:07,661
"Mary Jane, get down that tree.
That boy's lookin' at your panties."

1211
01:10:07,745 --> 01:10:10,664
Mary Jane just laughs and laughs.
She knew she didn't have no panties on.