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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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[audience chattering]
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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-[raunchy rock music plays]
-[man 1] Ladies and gentlemen, Dusty Slay!
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[audience cheering enthusiastically]
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[man 2] Woo-hoo!
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All right.
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Okay. All right.
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Ha-ha! We're havin' a good time.
Y'know what I mean?
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-[audience cheering]
-Okay.
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[whistling]
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I'm pumped to be here, Chattanooga.
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[audience cheering and applauding]
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[clears throat] It's a hot show,
y'know what I mean?
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Already been a hot show.
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Uh, feels like
it's gonna keep being a hot show.
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-[audience chuckles]
-I feel good. I slept good.
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-[man 3] Whoo!
-And that feels good.
19
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I don't always sleep good,
but I did sleep good last night.
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I had a dream that I was watching
a Larry Bird documentary.
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[audience laughs]
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I've never seen a Larry Bird documentary.
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[audience laughs]
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That means my mind created
a Larry Bird documentary
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for me to watch in my sleep.
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That's incredible, I think.
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[audience chuckles]
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[chuckles] That is incredible.
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Pretty low-budget documentary though.
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[audience laughs]
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Wasn't even really Larry Bird
in the documentary.
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That means my subconscious
couldn't work up the budget
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to get Larry Bird
in my own dream documentary.
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[audience chuckles]
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[chuckles] Y'know what I mean? Okay.
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-[audience laughs]
-[man 4] Whoo!
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We're havin' a good time.
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[audience whooping]
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Thank you.
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[scattered applause]
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I had a dream one time that I was
about to get trapped in an elevator.
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And that's a big fear of mine, y'know?
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Not 'cause I'm claustrophobic
but because I pee a lot.
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[audience laughs]
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I got a real pee problem.
I'm not trying to be gross about it.
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But I got a real overactive bladder,
y'know?
47
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I got the kinda bladder that's like,
"Oh, you tryin' to do somethin'?"
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-"Why don't you go pee first though?"
-[audience laughs]
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Like, I never been in a Home Depot
and found what I needed
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before I had to pee.
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[audience laughs]
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I'm just tryin' to get a couple of screws.
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Next thing you know,
I'm in the back corner of a Home Depot…
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[laughter continues]
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…in between some carpet rolls.
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[audience laughing]
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I don't know if I'm in the bathroom
or the break room.
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I don't know what's goin' on back there.
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I don't know what people eat,
that shop at Home Depot,
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but they are destroying that bathroom.
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[audience laughs]
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-[scattered applause]
-I never seen anythin' like it.
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I'm just in there to pee,
and my eyes are waterin'.
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[audience laughs]
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[chuckling]
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[man 4] Whoo!
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[chuckles] Hope I don't pass out in here,
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'cause… I'll keep breathin' that in.
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[audience laughs]
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But I do pee a lot though.
And I'm in a lotta elevators.
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I'm in elevators all the time.
I'm always in a hotel.
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And I get to the hotel…
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I get off the plane, get in the car,
get to the hotel, gotta pee real bad,
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and I'm like, "Nah, I can make it
to the room. I can make it."
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I'm in the elevator, pushin' the button,
y'know what I mean?
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Like, "Let's go! Let's go!"
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And I always think,
"If this elevator breaks down…"
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I'm always like, "How long would it take
before I peed in this elevator?"
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[audience laughs]
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And I think it would happen right away.
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[audience laughs]
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I don't think I'd waste any time.
I think I'd feel it shut down,
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and then they go,
"Oh, sorry, the elevator's broke."
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And I would just let loose in there.
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[audience laughs]
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And then they go, "Oh, sorry,
minor glitch. We're up and runnin'."
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[audience laughs]
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[chuckles] I'm like,
"Well, I'm sorry that happened…"
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[audience laughs]
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"…but I'm not ruinin' my bladder 'cause
your elevator's glitchin' out in here."
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"I didn't know how long
we was gonna be in here, y'know?"
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"I didn't wanna be uncomfortable
in front of all these other people."
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[realization laughter]
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[chuckles] Y'know what I mean? Okay!
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-[audience cheers]
-Thank you. Okay.
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-[man 5 whoops]
-[whistling]
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You ever in an elevator,
and you look up in the top right corner,
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and you see the name brand
of the elevator in there?
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-Who's that for?
-[audience chuckles]
100
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You ever been in an elevator
and been like,
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"Dang, this is a pretty good elevator."
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[audience laughs]
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"What brand is this?"
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"I'm gonna start recommendin' this
to other hotels I stay at."
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"You guys gotta get on
that Otis elevator."
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[audience laughs]
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-Okay, a couple of Otis fans.
-[scattered whooping]
108
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No, it's a good elevator.
It is a good elevator.
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[scattered chuckling]
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I've always lived in the South.
I like being in the South.
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-Uh, I think it's the best.
-[audience cheers]
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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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I really love…
I like the weather. I love the heat.
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I'm a big fan of the heat, y'know?
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Sometimes I'll go out to,
like, Phoenix, y'know,
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and it'll be a lot hotter
than what I'm used to.
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And I'll complain about it a little bit.
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And, uh, they always say
the same thing to me.
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You know what they say.
They go, "Yeah, but it's a dry heat."
120
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[audience laughs]
121
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That's what they say. "It's a dry heat."
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They say it like their heat
is better than my heat.
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[audience laughs]
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I get defensive about it.
125
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I'm like, "Oh, it's a dry heat, huh?"
126
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"Well, I like a wet heat."
127
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[audience laughs]
128
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"Yeah, that's the kind of heat I like.
I like a wet heat."
129
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"I like it to feel like a sauna outside."
130
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"I like to sweat in places
I didn't even know I could sweat in."
131
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I like to go, "Why is that wet?"
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[audience laughs]
133
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[chuckles]
134
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Know what I mean?
"I like… I like a wet heat, y'know?"
135
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"I like a heat with a lot
of flying insects and mosquitoes…"
136
00:05:40,506 --> 00:05:42,091
-[audience laughs]
-"…and gnats."
137
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"I like to stand in a hot parking lot
of a Shoney's doin' like that."
138
00:05:45,887 --> 00:05:48,931
-[audience laughs]
-[scattered clapping]
139
00:05:50,892 --> 00:05:52,727
"I like to go in the backyard
for two minutes
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and come back in and go,
'I just got tore up out there.'"
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[audience laughs]
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[chuckles] Know what I mean?
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-[audience cheers]
-Know what I mean?
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[cheering and applause]
145
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That's right.
146
00:06:05,239 --> 00:06:06,991
"You can't get that in a dry heat."
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[audience laughs]
148
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[chuckles]
149
00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:12,997
I went out to Iowa not too long ago.
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00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:14,916
-Thank you. And, uh…
-[audience chuckles]
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Yep, I get around a bit.
152
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And, uh, had a lot of fun out there.
153
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This lady came up to me after the show.
She goes, "Hey, great show."
154
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I was like, "Thanks. I appreciate that."
155
00:06:23,883 --> 00:06:26,886
And then she goes,
"Have you ever milked a cow?"
156
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-[scattered laughter]
-Mm. And I said, "No."
157
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And, uh, she goes, "Do you want to?"
158
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[audience laughs]
159
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And I said, "No." Y'know?
160
00:06:35,603 --> 00:06:36,646
[audience laughs]
161
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[chuckles] Not lookin' to do
a lot of chores after my show.
162
00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:42,402
[audience laughs]
163
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[chuckles]
164
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I just kinda wanna relax, y'know?
165
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Not tryin' to go back to this lady's farm
and shear the sheep and shoe the horses.
166
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[chuckles]
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Then she was like,
"'Cause my husband's getting wild tonight,
168
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and I need somebody
to help me milk the cows."
169
00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:04,882
And at that point, I wasn't even sure
we were still talkin' about cows.
170
00:07:04,966 --> 00:07:06,968
[audience laughs]
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I was like, "But if that's a pickup line,
I'm not into it."
172
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:14,517
[audience laughs]
173
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I don't even know what that could be
and be something that I'm into, y'know?
174
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I don't even like milk that much.
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Like, I like milk.
176
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I had a little bit of milk today, y'know?
177
00:07:28,322 --> 00:07:31,617
But I don't like it enough
to be into milk.
178
00:07:31,701 --> 00:07:32,827
[audience laughs]
179
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I'm not like, "Ooh, milk, huh?"
180
00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:39,208
"You say you had milk?"
181
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:40,293
[audience laughs]
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00:07:40,376 --> 00:07:41,794
[chuckles] "Well, okay."
183
00:07:41,878 --> 00:07:43,171
[scattered chuckling]
184
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Milk's weird anyway though. I do like it.
But you ever think about milk?
185
00:07:47,258 --> 00:07:50,428
It's, like, outside right now
in an animal somewhere.
186
00:07:50,511 --> 00:07:51,679
[audience laughs]
187
00:07:52,346 --> 00:07:55,683
And we go out there, and we're like,
"Yeah! Gimme that milk!"
188
00:07:55,766 --> 00:07:57,018
[audience laughs]
189
00:07:57,101 --> 00:07:58,144
[chuckles]
190
00:07:58,686 --> 00:08:01,731
The baby calf's in the corner all hungry.
191
00:08:02,273 --> 00:08:04,650
We're like, "Nah, this is my milk now."
192
00:08:04,734 --> 00:08:05,902
[audience laughs]
193
00:08:06,569 --> 00:08:10,031
[chuckles] "I got a whole
five-gallon bucket here."
194
00:08:11,407 --> 00:08:13,659
"'Bout to take this back to my family."
195
00:08:13,743 --> 00:08:14,952
[audience laughs]
196
00:08:15,036 --> 00:08:18,664
"About to have a lot of milk mustaches
back at our place."
197
00:08:19,248 --> 00:08:20,541
[chuckles]
198
00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:25,129
I wanna know how we settled
on cow's milk, y'know?
199
00:08:25,213 --> 00:08:27,882
You gotta think, at one point,
we weren't drinking animal's milk.
200
00:08:27,965 --> 00:08:31,010
Then we're like, "Y'know what?
We're gonna start drinking animal's milk."
201
00:08:31,093 --> 00:08:33,971
But we had to find out
which ones were good, y'know?
202
00:08:34,055 --> 00:08:34,931
How did we do it?
203
00:08:35,014 --> 00:08:38,100
I like to think it was one guy
milkin' every animal
204
00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:40,603
for, like, ten years, y'know?
205
00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:44,899
After, like, a decade, he's like,
"It's cows, man. It's cows."
206
00:08:44,982 --> 00:08:47,568
-[audience laughs]
-"I am so sick."
207
00:08:47,652 --> 00:08:50,488
-[audience laughs]
-[scattered clapping]
208
00:08:51,656 --> 00:08:53,074
[chuckles]
209
00:08:53,157 --> 00:08:55,576
"I drank a lot of weird milks
over the years."
210
00:08:55,660 --> 00:08:56,911
[audience laughs]
211
00:08:57,954 --> 00:09:02,708
He's like, "The goats are okay
but mainly wanna stick to the cows."
212
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:05,962
"We really wanna stay away
from that dog's milk."
213
00:09:06,045 --> 00:09:07,547
[audience laughs]
214
00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:09,131
[chuckles] Y'know what I mean?
215
00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:11,467
You imagine milkin' a dog, y'know?
216
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:12,593
[audience laughs]
217
00:09:12,677 --> 00:09:15,555
It's good enough
to get a little coffee creamer out of it.
218
00:09:15,638 --> 00:09:17,139
[laughter continues]
219
00:09:17,223 --> 00:09:19,475
[chuckles] Yer gettin' bit the whole time.
220
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:20,560
[audience laughs]
221
00:09:20,643 --> 00:09:22,853
You're like, "Get outta here! Get! It's…"
222
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:26,107
"Tryin' to not drink
a black coffee again."
223
00:09:26,190 --> 00:09:27,817
[laughter subsides]
224
00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:30,736
-[Dusty chuckling]
-[scattered laughter]
225
00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:34,657
I went with a friend to a coffee shop.
He ordered a latte.
226
00:09:34,740 --> 00:09:37,451
They were like, "What kind of milk?"
He goes, "Chocolate."
227
00:09:37,535 --> 00:09:39,453
-And…
-[audience laughs]
228
00:09:39,537 --> 00:09:41,497
I don't drink a lotta lattes,
so I don't know,
229
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,583
but that don't sound right to me.
230
00:09:43,666 --> 00:09:44,792
[laughter continues]
231
00:09:44,875 --> 00:09:47,545
Don't feel like that was the question
they were askin'.
232
00:09:49,463 --> 00:09:50,506
[chuckles]
233
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:51,924
[scattered laughter]
234
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:56,470
I also wanna know how we decided
to start drinkin' animal's milk. I…
235
00:09:56,554 --> 00:09:58,931
D'you think they just saw a baby calf
drinkin' out of a cow,
236
00:09:59,015 --> 00:10:00,850
and they were like,
"That looks pretty good"?
237
00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:01,767
[laughter]
238
00:10:01,851 --> 00:10:04,520
"Think I'd like to try
to get in on that, y'know?"
239
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:07,565
"Hope I can get it with my hand though."
Y'know what I mean?
240
00:10:07,648 --> 00:10:08,774
-[chuckles]
-[laughter]
241
00:10:08,858 --> 00:10:10,026
You love it?
242
00:10:10,109 --> 00:10:11,902
Okay, we're havin' a good time.
243
00:10:11,986 --> 00:10:14,405
-Thank you.
-[audience cheers]
244
00:10:14,488 --> 00:10:17,408
[applause and whooping]
245
00:10:18,242 --> 00:10:20,453
I like a lotta milk jokes in my show.
246
00:10:20,536 --> 00:10:21,829
[audience laughs]
247
00:10:22,538 --> 00:10:24,915
I'm a real milk-joke comic now.
248
00:10:25,833 --> 00:10:28,836
-[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]
249
00:10:28,919 --> 00:10:31,422
-Okay. I, um…
-[scattered laughter]
250
00:10:31,505 --> 00:10:33,966
I like country music.
I'm a big country music fan.
251
00:10:34,050 --> 00:10:36,302
-[audience cheering]
-Thank you. Thank you.
252
00:10:36,385 --> 00:10:38,554
Country music's the best. It is the best.
253
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:40,640
I like a lotta workin'-man country songs,
y'know?
254
00:10:40,723 --> 00:10:42,892
Like, Merle Haggard
probably has the most famous.
255
00:10:42,975 --> 00:10:44,352
He has "Workin' Man Blues."
256
00:10:44,435 --> 00:10:45,770
-[whoops]
-Really great song.
257
00:10:45,853 --> 00:10:48,814
Yeah, really good. And then, uh,
another favorite of mine, in the '90s,
258
00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:51,567
there was a song by Brooks & Dunn
called "Hard Workin' Man."
259
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:54,362
-[scattered whoops]
-Big fan o' that. "Hard Workin' Man."
260
00:10:54,445 --> 00:10:56,656
And, uh, I don't know
if you've heard that one before,
261
00:10:56,739 --> 00:10:59,867
but, uh, I'd like to tell you about it.
I'd like to talk to you about it.
262
00:11:00,576 --> 00:11:04,163
So best that you haven't heard it.
That way we can… It'll be fresh to you.
263
00:11:04,914 --> 00:11:06,040
But the song, uh…
264
00:11:06,123 --> 00:11:08,292
The first verse of the song
is a bit like a job interview
265
00:11:08,376 --> 00:11:09,794
or a résumé, y'know?
266
00:11:09,877 --> 00:11:14,632
He's just kinda lettin' y'know who he is
and how he likes to do things, y'know?
267
00:11:14,715 --> 00:11:16,300
He starts the song off, he says,
268
00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:18,094
"I'm a hard-workin' man," y'know?
269
00:11:18,177 --> 00:11:20,680
-Just put-- lays it out there for ya.
-[audience chuckles]
270
00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:23,849
Lets y'know who he is,
how he likes to work, y'know?
271
00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:26,477
But he's singing though too.
272
00:11:26,560 --> 00:11:28,771
He's like, "I'm a hardworkin' man."
273
00:11:28,854 --> 00:11:31,816
Which is not a bad impression
if you've never heard Brooks & Dunn.
274
00:11:31,899 --> 00:11:33,901
-[audience laughs]
-[man whoops]
275
00:11:34,902 --> 00:11:37,279
"I'm a hardworkin' man," y'know?
276
00:11:37,905 --> 00:11:40,449
He just wants you to know
how he's gonna do it when he clocks in.
277
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:41,909
[audience laughs]
278
00:11:43,035 --> 00:11:45,413
And then he says,
"I wear a steel hard hat."
279
00:11:45,496 --> 00:11:47,957
He wants you to know
he takes safety very serious.
280
00:11:48,624 --> 00:11:50,584
Wears a hard hat.
Doesn't mess around with plastic.
281
00:11:50,668 --> 00:11:52,336
It's steel for this guy.
282
00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:55,423
[chuckles] Loves his hat.
Wears it all the time.
283
00:11:55,923 --> 00:11:59,218
Then he says,
"I can ride, rope, hammer, and paint."
284
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:02,847
Four things that
you don't really need a hard hat for.
285
00:12:02,930 --> 00:12:04,932
[audience laughs]
286
00:12:06,517 --> 00:12:08,894
[chuckles] His coworkers are like,
287
00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:11,689
"I don't know
why you're wearin' that hat again."
288
00:12:11,772 --> 00:12:13,023
[laughter continues]
289
00:12:15,192 --> 00:12:17,737
"We're ropin' cattle today, buddy."
290
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:20,698
"There's nothin' to fall on you out here."
291
00:12:20,781 --> 00:12:21,657
[laughter]
292
00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:24,493
"You wanna wear a helmet,
wear a helmet, y'know?"
293
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:27,163
"But that hard hat's
not gonna help you out here."
294
00:12:27,663 --> 00:12:29,582
But he says, "I can hammer and paint."
295
00:12:29,665 --> 00:12:32,209
"Do things with my hands
that most men can't."
296
00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:36,172
I'm like, "I don't know.
I think we can all hammer and paint."
297
00:12:36,255 --> 00:12:37,423
[audience laughs]
298
00:12:38,090 --> 00:12:40,342
Like, some people do it
better than others, obviously,
299
00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:42,803
but I think we can all do it.
300
00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:46,557
Like, I don't know how good of a hammerer
Bob Ross is, y'know,
301
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:49,685
but, um, pretty good painter, I'd say.
302
00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:50,895
[scattered laughter]
303
00:12:50,978 --> 00:12:54,023
I bet he's hung a painting or two
on the wall, y'know?
304
00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:56,442
A little tack hammer. Tut-tut.
305
00:12:57,109 --> 00:12:59,069
-Tut-tut.
-[laughter continues]
306
00:12:59,153 --> 00:13:00,154
Tut-tut.
307
00:13:00,237 --> 00:13:01,363
[audience chuckling]
308
00:13:02,072 --> 00:13:04,575
You would think a guy like this,
with this kinda work ethic,
309
00:13:04,658 --> 00:13:08,120
uh, this kinda work attire,
this list of skills,
310
00:13:08,204 --> 00:13:12,124
you'd think he'd be doing pretty well
financially, but he goes on to say,
311
00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:14,794
"I can't get ahead,
no matter how hard I try."
312
00:13:14,877 --> 00:13:17,505
"I'm gettin' really good
at barely gettin' by."
313
00:13:18,005 --> 00:13:19,882
And you're like, "Oh, dang," y'know?
314
00:13:19,965 --> 00:13:21,425
[audience laughs]
315
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:25,012
The song really takes an emotional turn…
316
00:13:25,095 --> 00:13:26,764
[audience laughs]
317
00:13:26,847 --> 00:13:29,517
[chuckles] …that you might not
be ready for, you know?
318
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,727
But it makes you kinda wanna
keep listenin' to the song,
319
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:35,105
just kinda figure out what's goin' on
with this guy's finances, you know?
320
00:13:35,189 --> 00:13:36,690
[audience laughs]
321
00:13:36,774 --> 00:13:38,943
Like, does he figure it out?
322
00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:41,320
Where's the money goin'?
323
00:13:41,403 --> 00:13:42,488
[audience laughs]
324
00:13:42,571 --> 00:13:44,865
These are the kinda questions I have,
you know?
325
00:13:45,366 --> 00:13:47,910
So you get to the second verse,
and the second verse, he says,
326
00:13:47,993 --> 00:13:51,080
"Come Friday night, I like to party hard."
327
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:54,291
You're like, "Ah, I'm startin' to see
where this is goin' here."
328
00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:55,292
[audience laughs]
329
00:13:55,376 --> 00:13:58,128
"Startin' to unravel
a bit of the mystery here."
330
00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:00,172
"Work hard to play hard."
331
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:03,884
He said, "I like to carry on
with the Cadillac cuties."
332
00:14:03,968 --> 00:14:05,928
He never really says what that is,
but I think…
333
00:14:06,011 --> 00:14:07,721
I think we could put it together, y'know?
334
00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:08,639
[audience laughs]
335
00:14:08,722 --> 00:14:10,641
"I like to carry on
with the Cadillac cuties,
336
00:14:10,724 --> 00:14:14,186
spend my whole week's pay
on some weekend beauty."
337
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:17,523
I'm like, "Okay.
Well, there's your problem right there."
338
00:14:17,606 --> 00:14:20,651
[audience laughs and cheers]
339
00:14:20,734 --> 00:14:23,821
[chuckles] "I think we can close
this investigation here."
340
00:14:23,904 --> 00:14:26,490
-[audience laughs]
-[scattered applause]
341
00:14:26,574 --> 00:14:28,826
"Tell Columbo to head on back
to the house."
342
00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:30,160
[audience laughs]
343
00:14:30,244 --> 00:14:32,288
"We've solved the crime here."
344
00:14:32,997 --> 00:14:36,292
I'd like to see this guy meet
with a financial advisor, y'know?
345
00:14:36,917 --> 00:14:40,713
[chuckles] He's like,
"I just can't seem to put any money away."
346
00:14:41,630 --> 00:14:43,716
He's like, "I'm a hardworkin' man."
347
00:14:44,216 --> 00:14:45,676
"I wear a steel hard hat."
348
00:14:45,759 --> 00:14:48,178
"I can ride, rope, hammer, and paint,
349
00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:50,806
but I can't seem to put any money away."
350
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,224
Financial advisor's like,
351
00:14:52,308 --> 00:14:55,102
"I don't know. Let's dig in.
Let's see what we can find."
352
00:14:55,644 --> 00:14:57,813
Pulls up the report,
gets to, like, page one.
353
00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,773
He's like, "Oh, found it right here!"
354
00:14:59,857 --> 00:15:01,191
[audience laughs]
355
00:15:01,275 --> 00:15:03,444
"A lot faster than I expected."
356
00:15:04,403 --> 00:15:08,407
"It seems here, you're spending
everything you make, in one night…"
357
00:15:08,490 --> 00:15:09,825
[laughter continues]
358
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:12,036
"…on some sort of a prostitute."
359
00:15:12,119 --> 00:15:15,247
-[audience laughs]
-[scattered applause]
360
00:15:17,124 --> 00:15:19,960
[chuckles] "I don't know if that's what
a 'weekend beauty' is, y'know,
361
00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:23,589
but… might I suggest a cheaper option,
y'know, maybe…
362
00:15:24,089 --> 00:15:25,758
maybe a week-day beauty."
363
00:15:25,841 --> 00:15:27,217
[audience laughs]
364
00:15:28,177 --> 00:15:32,222
[chuckles] "Get yourself a Tuesday beauty,
save a little money around here."
365
00:15:32,306 --> 00:15:35,267
-[woman whoops]
-"Know what I mean? Okay, okay."
366
00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:38,270
That's fun though.
Country music's the best.
367
00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:39,855
Gosh, it's the best.
368
00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:42,191
I've always said that a good country song
369
00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:44,693
can have you reminiscing
about times you never had.
370
00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:45,861
[man whoops]
371
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:48,405
Like, I never went to the lake
growin' up, y'know?
372
00:15:48,489 --> 00:15:50,491
My family wasn't, like, a "lake" family.
373
00:15:50,574 --> 00:15:53,744
But I hear a country song about the lake,
I'm like, "Yeah, I remember that."
374
00:15:53,827 --> 00:15:55,245
[audience laughs]
375
00:15:57,706 --> 00:15:59,750
[chuckles] "Dang, that was a good time."
376
00:15:59,833 --> 00:16:00,918
[audience laughs]
377
00:16:01,001 --> 00:16:05,714
"Me and Kid Rock, down by the docks…
in the summertime. You know what I mean?"
378
00:16:07,049 --> 00:16:09,718
Joe Diffie has a song like that.
A song called "Home."
379
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:12,304
And whenever-- And Joe Diffie's singin'
about his childhood home.
380
00:16:12,388 --> 00:16:15,140
And when I listen to it, it makes me think
about my childhood home,
381
00:16:15,224 --> 00:16:17,518
even though mine was nothing like his.
382
00:16:17,601 --> 00:16:19,478
It's just that good of a song.
383
00:16:19,561 --> 00:16:22,231
He's like, "Home was an easy chair,
with my daddy there."
384
00:16:22,314 --> 00:16:24,400
And I'm like,
"Well, my parents were divorced."
385
00:16:24,483 --> 00:16:26,193
[audience laughs]
386
00:16:26,276 --> 00:16:28,696
My dad mighta had an easy chair,
but it wasn't at our house.
387
00:16:28,779 --> 00:16:32,783
-Y'know what I mean? [chuckling]
-[audience laughing]
388
00:16:32,866 --> 00:16:34,994
It was at his house,
with his other family.
389
00:16:35,077 --> 00:16:36,578
[audience laughs]
390
00:16:36,662 --> 00:16:38,872
-[chuckles] Hi!
-[scattered laughter]
391
00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:41,875
"Home was a back-porch swing,
where I would sit,
392
00:16:41,959 --> 00:16:43,627
and Mom would sing 'Amazing Grace.'"
393
00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:44,712
I'm like, "Well,
394
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:49,633
I… I grew up in a trailer,
and we didn't really have a back porch."
395
00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:52,469
"You know? We didn't really have a back."
396
00:16:52,553 --> 00:16:56,515
-"Just… two long sides."
-[audience laughing]
397
00:16:59,476 --> 00:17:01,478
"Real narrow front."
398
00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:04,064
"Real narrow back."
399
00:17:04,565 --> 00:17:07,109
"Not really room for a porch
back there, you know?"
400
00:17:07,192 --> 00:17:09,611
-"We had more of a side porch."
-[scattered laughter]
401
00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:12,322
-"Or a side deck."
-[laughter subsides]
402
00:17:12,406 --> 00:17:15,284
Yeah, a lot of these jokes end
long before I stop talkin'.
403
00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:16,660
[audience laughs]
404
00:17:17,494 --> 00:17:19,079
[chuckles] You know what I mean?
405
00:17:19,163 --> 00:17:22,374
Okay, now we were havin' a good time
there for a while on that joke there.
406
00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:24,126
-[audience cheers]
-Yeah. Okay.
407
00:17:25,294 --> 00:17:27,254
-[applause]
-[cheering subsides]
408
00:17:27,337 --> 00:17:30,299
Yeah, we're havin' a good time.
We're havin' a good time.
409
00:17:30,382 --> 00:17:32,259
-This is a hot show.
-[audience chuckles]
410
00:17:32,342 --> 00:17:34,636
I hear people say this a lot.
Maybe you hear this too.
411
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:37,181
People say they're socially awkward.
Ever hear people say that?
412
00:17:37,264 --> 00:17:38,891
They go, "Oh, I'm socially awkward."
413
00:17:38,974 --> 00:17:40,517
Y'know what we used to call that?
414
00:17:40,601 --> 00:17:41,518
Awkward.
415
00:17:41,602 --> 00:17:42,853
[audience laughs]
416
00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:46,523
'Cause that's when you're awkward,
when you're out being social with people.
417
00:17:47,024 --> 00:17:49,568
There's no need to really say
the "socially" thing.
418
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:53,238
And it's okay
to be socially awkward, y'know?
419
00:17:53,322 --> 00:17:55,949
What you gotta worry about
is that alone awkwardness.
420
00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:57,409
[audience laughs]
421
00:17:59,203 --> 00:18:02,790
[chuckles] You're sitting around
by yourself with sweaty palms…
422
00:18:02,873 --> 00:18:04,291
[audience laughs]
423
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:09,046
…havin' trouble making eye contact
with the mirror, y'know?
424
00:18:09,129 --> 00:18:10,089
[man laughs]
425
00:18:10,172 --> 00:18:12,257
Say something out loud to yourself,
and you're like,
426
00:18:12,341 --> 00:18:14,593
"Ah, I wish I had not said that."
427
00:18:14,676 --> 00:18:16,345
[audience laughs]
428
00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:22,559
That's when you got some real issues.
429
00:18:23,060 --> 00:18:26,605
I think we're all saying stuff out loud
to people that we wish we didn't say.
430
00:18:26,688 --> 00:18:28,649
I know I do. I small-talk a lot.
431
00:18:28,732 --> 00:18:31,735
And, uh, a lot of times
I run out of stuff to say, y'know?
432
00:18:31,819 --> 00:18:34,404
-But that doesn't keep me from talkin'.
-[audience laughs]
433
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:37,282
I just stop makin' sense, y'know?
434
00:18:38,075 --> 00:18:41,036
I was in a grocery store the other day,
bought a couple of jugs of water,
435
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,246
took 'em up to the register.
436
00:18:42,329 --> 00:18:44,373
Me and the cashier,
we said hey to each other.
437
00:18:44,456 --> 00:18:46,834
-That's all we needed to do.
-[scattered chuckling]
438
00:18:46,917 --> 00:18:48,669
There was no need to keep it goin'.
439
00:18:49,670 --> 00:18:52,256
But it took her a while
to ring up those two jugs of water.
440
00:18:52,339 --> 00:18:55,008
And so I thought,
"Well, I'll say somethin' here."
441
00:18:55,092 --> 00:18:56,218
[expectant laughter]
442
00:18:56,969 --> 00:19:00,222
I go, "What do I got? Uh…"
443
00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:01,890
"Okay, here we go. I'll try this."
444
00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:04,977
So I go, "These water bottles
used to have a handle on it."
445
00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:07,479
-[chuckles awkwardly]
-[scattered laughter]
446
00:19:07,563 --> 00:19:10,023
-[chuckling]
-[laughter increases]
447
00:19:10,649 --> 00:19:12,901
"They don't have a handle anymore though."
448
00:19:13,485 --> 00:19:15,154
And then I just kinda left it with her.
449
00:19:15,237 --> 00:19:16,405
You know, I'm like,
450
00:19:17,197 --> 00:19:19,533
"Okay, I've said a thing,
now you say a thing,
451
00:19:19,616 --> 00:19:22,536
and… we'll get through this."
452
00:19:22,619 --> 00:19:23,871
[audience laughing]
453
00:19:23,954 --> 00:19:26,081
She was like,
"Yeah, I don't know what happened."
454
00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:28,417
I go, "That's wild, huh?"
455
00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:29,918
[audience laughs]
456
00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:33,172
Then I get out in the parkin' lot, I go,
"What the hell are you doin' in there?"
457
00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:35,215
-[audience laughs]
-[scattered applause]
458
00:19:35,299 --> 00:19:36,550
"Jeez, man."
459
00:19:36,633 --> 00:19:39,511
"You're a professional comedian,
for cryin' out loud."
460
00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:42,973
"You can do better
than water-bottle talk."
461
00:19:43,056 --> 00:19:44,433
[audience laughs]
462
00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:47,186
I like to think
that cashier's scrollin' Netflix,
463
00:19:47,269 --> 00:19:49,688
and she sees my picture, and she goes,
464
00:19:49,771 --> 00:19:51,732
"The water-bottle guy?!"
465
00:19:51,815 --> 00:19:53,108
[audience laughs]
466
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:54,902
[scattered applause and cheers]
467
00:19:54,985 --> 00:19:56,069
"Ace."
468
00:19:56,153 --> 00:19:57,654
[cheering continues]
469
00:19:57,738 --> 00:19:59,615
[applause and whistling]
470
00:19:59,698 --> 00:20:02,367
[chuckles] She's like,
"I did not see that coming."
471
00:20:02,451 --> 00:20:03,368
[audience laughs]
472
00:20:03,452 --> 00:20:06,205
"I didn't think he was gonna make it
across the street!"
473
00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:08,582
-[audience laughs]
-[scattered clapping]
474
00:20:08,665 --> 00:20:09,583
[chuckles]
475
00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:12,669
I was in a gas station the other day,
and the cashier goes,
476
00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:14,963
"How you doin' today?"
I go, "Good, what about you?"
477
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:17,758
She goes, "Good! You?"
I'm like, "How long we gon' do this here?"
478
00:20:17,841 --> 00:20:18,967
[audience laughs]
479
00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:21,553
"Well, uh, dang,
are you even listenin' to me?"
480
00:20:22,679 --> 00:20:25,140
"I told you I was good, y'know,
don't keep askin'."
481
00:20:26,016 --> 00:20:27,643
"Might get a real answer."
482
00:20:27,726 --> 00:20:29,144
[audience laughs]
483
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:32,231
"I'm tryin' to keep it light." [chuckles]
484
00:20:32,314 --> 00:20:35,234
I was in a Walgreens the other day.
The other day was a big day for me.
485
00:20:35,317 --> 00:20:37,110
-It was, uh…
-[audience laughs]
486
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:39,780
[applause and whooping]
487
00:20:39,863 --> 00:20:42,532
If not for the other day,
none of this'd be happening.
488
00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:45,619
-[laughter continues]
-A beautiful day the other day.
489
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:47,996
I'm glad I was payin' attention.
490
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,248
[audience chuckling]
491
00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:52,292
I was in a Walgreens the other day,
and I was waiting in line,
492
00:20:52,376 --> 00:20:54,503
and there was this lady
talking to the cashier.
493
00:20:54,586 --> 00:20:55,712
And the cashier was like…
494
00:20:55,796 --> 00:20:58,840
She had just had to ask
a regular ol' Walgreens question, y'know?
495
00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:01,343
She was like,
"Oh, are you a Walgreens rewards member?"
496
00:21:01,426 --> 00:21:04,846
That lady goes, "If I had to ask
that question every day, I'd kill myself."
497
00:21:04,930 --> 00:21:06,348
[audience laughs]
498
00:21:06,431 --> 00:21:07,599
[Dusty chuckles]
499
00:21:11,061 --> 00:21:12,187
I got up to the register.
500
00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:15,774
I was like, "Jeez, that lady had
a low threshold for suicide, huh?"
501
00:21:15,857 --> 00:21:17,192
[audience laughs]
502
00:21:18,860 --> 00:21:19,861
[chuckles]
503
00:21:22,447 --> 00:21:24,574
"Somebody better
keep an eye on that lady."
504
00:21:24,658 --> 00:21:25,951
[audience laughs]
505
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:29,496
"Like, the day gets harder, y'know?"
506
00:21:29,579 --> 00:21:30,872
[scattered laughter]
507
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:35,711
If you got suicide in your small talk,
you gotta work on it, y'know?
508
00:21:35,794 --> 00:21:36,837
[audience laughs]
509
00:21:37,379 --> 00:21:40,132
[chuckles] I mean,
that's big talk, y'know?
510
00:21:40,632 --> 00:21:42,426
Small talk is the weather, y'know?
511
00:21:42,509 --> 00:21:45,345
You're like,
"Oh, it's a beautiful day today, huh?"
512
00:21:45,429 --> 00:21:47,514
You're like,
"Yeah, I'd like to kill myself."
513
00:21:47,597 --> 00:21:48,932
[audience laughs]
514
00:21:49,975 --> 00:21:51,435
[scattered chuckling]
515
00:21:52,269 --> 00:21:54,813
"Okay. Well, I hope it rains, I guess."
516
00:21:54,896 --> 00:21:56,231
[audience laughs]
517
00:21:56,315 --> 00:21:59,901
[chuckles] "I… I mean,
for your sake, y'know, but…"
518
00:22:00,652 --> 00:22:02,654
"Can't rain every day though, can it?"
519
00:22:03,488 --> 00:22:06,241
Okay. Thank you. We're havin' a good time.
520
00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:07,909
-[audience cheers]
-[chuckles] Thank you.
521
00:22:07,993 --> 00:22:09,953
-[audience whistling]
-Okay!
522
00:22:10,037 --> 00:22:11,997
-Thank you.
-[man] Whoo!
523
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:13,081
[applause subsides]
524
00:22:13,665 --> 00:22:16,043
It's a blank water.
What is it? I don't know.
525
00:22:16,126 --> 00:22:17,085
[audience chuckles]
526
00:22:17,169 --> 00:22:18,754
Who knows what's in there?
527
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:21,631
It was already open
when I tried to twist it.
528
00:22:21,715 --> 00:22:23,258
[audience laughs]
529
00:22:25,135 --> 00:22:26,720
Could be anything in there.
530
00:22:27,721 --> 00:22:29,639
[chuckles] Who knows, though?
531
00:22:29,723 --> 00:22:31,099
[scattered laughter]
532
00:22:32,184 --> 00:22:33,393
I hope I'm okay.
533
00:22:33,477 --> 00:22:34,770
[audience laughs]
534
00:22:34,853 --> 00:22:38,315
[chuckles] It didn't click when I spun it.
Y'know what I mean?
535
00:22:38,398 --> 00:22:39,691
[laughter continues]
536
00:22:40,817 --> 00:22:43,362
[chuckles, laughs]
537
00:22:43,445 --> 00:22:45,614
-[audience chuckles]
-Okay.
538
00:22:45,697 --> 00:22:48,867
I checked into this hotel the other day,
and they gave me a little sheet of paper.
539
00:22:48,950 --> 00:22:51,495
It was instructions
on how to check out faster.
540
00:22:51,578 --> 00:22:53,955
I was like, "Oh, okay.
Well, let me ask you this."
541
00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:55,749
"What's faster than just leavin'?"
542
00:22:55,832 --> 00:22:57,834
[audience laughs]
543
00:22:59,878 --> 00:23:01,880
"I mean, that's how I've been doin' it."
544
00:23:01,963 --> 00:23:04,674
-[audience laughs]
-"I'm gonna be honest with you here."
545
00:23:04,758 --> 00:23:07,052
"I didn't even realize
there was a checkout process."
546
00:23:07,135 --> 00:23:08,595
[laughter continues]
547
00:23:08,678 --> 00:23:11,890
"Just felt like you see me leave here
with all these bags,
548
00:23:11,973 --> 00:23:14,684
you get up into that room
and I'm not in there,
549
00:23:15,894 --> 00:23:17,354
you know I've checked out."
550
00:23:17,437 --> 00:23:18,688
[laughter continues]
551
00:23:18,772 --> 00:23:21,775
I could still be checked in
to a lotta hotel rooms
552
00:23:22,692 --> 00:23:24,152
all across the country.
553
00:23:25,070 --> 00:23:26,613
I show up, try to check in,
554
00:23:26,696 --> 00:23:29,908
they're like, "Sir, we're showing
you're still checked in here."
555
00:23:29,991 --> 00:23:31,618
[audience laughing]
556
00:23:31,701 --> 00:23:34,329
"Yeah, you owe us quite a bit of money."
557
00:23:34,413 --> 00:23:35,539
[laughter continues]
558
00:23:35,622 --> 00:23:38,667
"A lot of us were wondering
if you were still alive."
559
00:23:39,209 --> 00:23:41,336
"You left that do-not-disturb sign
on the door,
560
00:23:41,420 --> 00:23:43,380
and we couldn't get in there."
561
00:23:43,463 --> 00:23:44,965
[chuckling]
562
00:23:45,465 --> 00:23:47,384
-[scattered laughter]
-[Dusty chuckles]
563
00:23:48,927 --> 00:23:50,011
What are other people doing?
564
00:23:50,095 --> 00:23:53,473
Are they goin' up to the register,
ringin' that bell, going, "Hey-hey"?
565
00:23:54,683 --> 00:23:56,935
"Just wanna let you know
I'm about to head on outta here."
566
00:23:57,018 --> 00:23:58,061
[audience laughs]
567
00:23:58,145 --> 00:24:01,606
"I've had a good time gettin' to know you
this weekend, as I come and go by here,
568
00:24:01,690 --> 00:24:04,192
but I know you got used to
seeing me go out the door,
569
00:24:04,276 --> 00:24:07,112
and then, later in the day,
I'll be coming back in here, but…
570
00:24:07,863 --> 00:24:09,865
that's not what's gonna be happenin'
today though."
571
00:24:09,948 --> 00:24:11,450
[audience laughs]
572
00:24:11,533 --> 00:24:14,202
"Nah, today, when I go out that door,
I'm not comin' back."
573
00:24:14,286 --> 00:24:15,370
[laughter continues]
574
00:24:16,163 --> 00:24:18,790
"So, if there's anythin'
you wanna say to me, y'know,
575
00:24:20,208 --> 00:24:23,879
better go ahead and say it, 'cause it may
be a year or so 'fore I'm back around."
576
00:24:24,421 --> 00:24:27,048
"You might not be working here
by then, y'know?"
577
00:24:27,132 --> 00:24:29,551
"Not with the kinda attitude
I've seen you have."
578
00:24:29,634 --> 00:24:31,261
[audience laughs]
579
00:24:32,596 --> 00:24:33,763
[chuckles] Y'know.
580
00:24:34,598 --> 00:24:36,766
"On a day-to-day basis, y'know?"
581
00:24:37,267 --> 00:24:39,769
"You complain about--
a lot about this job."
582
00:24:40,770 --> 00:24:43,690
You ever check in real late to a hotel,
like 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning,
583
00:24:43,773 --> 00:24:45,817
and the person working,
it's like, "Do you work here,
584
00:24:45,901 --> 00:24:48,111
or did you just kill
the guy that works here"?
585
00:24:48,195 --> 00:24:49,362
[audience laughs]
586
00:24:50,447 --> 00:24:51,781
[chuckles] Y'know?
587
00:24:51,865 --> 00:24:55,410
-[scattered laughter]
-[Dusty chuckling]
588
00:24:56,495 --> 00:24:59,414
You ever… you ever check in to a hotel
and the pool's shut down?
589
00:24:59,498 --> 00:25:00,582
[murmuring in agreement]
590
00:25:00,665 --> 00:25:03,335
You weren't plannin' on gettin' in
but still feel a little ripped off?
591
00:25:03,418 --> 00:25:04,419
[audience laughs]
592
00:25:04,503 --> 00:25:06,588
You're like, "I don't wanna stay
at some raggedy hotel
593
00:25:06,671 --> 00:25:08,340
where everything's shut down."
594
00:25:08,423 --> 00:25:10,550
"Like, what else
doesn't work around here?"
595
00:25:10,634 --> 00:25:12,010
And I don't wanna get in the pool.
596
00:25:12,093 --> 00:25:14,596
I just kinda wanna open that door
and go, "Ugh!"
597
00:25:14,679 --> 00:25:15,805
[audience laughs]
598
00:25:16,515 --> 00:25:18,350
"A lotta chlorine in there, huh?"
599
00:25:18,433 --> 00:25:19,935
[audience laughs]
600
00:25:21,311 --> 00:25:23,605
I never get in the hotel pool.
This is why.
601
00:25:23,688 --> 00:25:25,607
Sometimes, you go down there,
and the pool's full,
602
00:25:25,690 --> 00:25:28,026
you're like, "I don't wanna get in
with all those people."
603
00:25:28,109 --> 00:25:30,153
Then the other time you go down
and it's empty,
604
00:25:30,237 --> 00:25:31,863
you're like, "Why's nobody in the pool?"
605
00:25:31,947 --> 00:25:33,073
[audience laughs]
606
00:25:33,156 --> 00:25:36,159
"What's wrong with the pool
that nobody wants to swim in there?"
607
00:25:36,785 --> 00:25:39,871
And I don't wanna get in there
and be the one lone guy
608
00:25:39,955 --> 00:25:41,623
swimmin' around in the pool.
609
00:25:41,706 --> 00:25:43,667
The kids are comin' down,
tryin' to get in.
610
00:25:43,750 --> 00:25:46,670
They're like, "We can't get in.
That guy's still in there."
611
00:25:46,753 --> 00:25:48,088
[audience laughs]
612
00:25:50,298 --> 00:25:52,092
"He has hairs everywhere."
613
00:25:52,175 --> 00:25:53,343
[laughter continues]
614
00:25:54,135 --> 00:25:56,054
[chuckling]
615
00:25:58,014 --> 00:26:00,058
[chuckles] You know what I mean.
616
00:26:00,141 --> 00:26:01,518
[scattered laughter]
617
00:26:01,601 --> 00:26:02,852
[awkwardly] Okay.
618
00:26:02,936 --> 00:26:04,437
[audience laughs]
619
00:26:04,521 --> 00:26:06,147
I went through a cologne phase
for a while.
620
00:26:06,231 --> 00:26:09,526
I used to wear a lotta cologne.
People never liked me in cologne.
621
00:26:10,318 --> 00:26:12,862
They were never like,
"Ooh! You smell good!"
622
00:26:12,946 --> 00:26:16,074
They were always like,
"Who's wearin' cologne?!"
623
00:26:16,157 --> 00:26:17,450
[audience laughs]
624
00:26:17,534 --> 00:26:19,286
-[scattered applause]
-[man whoops]
625
00:26:21,162 --> 00:26:23,206
[chuckling]
626
00:26:24,291 --> 00:26:26,084
I read a story one time
about a country singer.
627
00:26:26,167 --> 00:26:28,295
They said he used to
drink a lotta cologne.
628
00:26:29,045 --> 00:26:30,213
And he died.
629
00:26:30,297 --> 00:26:31,840
[audience laughs]
630
00:26:33,633 --> 00:26:37,137
[chuckles] That's not funny,
but it is funny the way I said it though.
631
00:26:37,220 --> 00:26:38,305
[audience laughs]
632
00:26:38,930 --> 00:26:41,808
They said he was a real bad alcoholic,
and towards the end of his life,
633
00:26:41,891 --> 00:26:44,352
it got so bad,
he started drinking cologne.
634
00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:46,479
They said that like it was rock bottom.
635
00:26:46,563 --> 00:26:50,108
But I'm like, "How's that rock bottom?
Cologne's expensive, y'know?"
636
00:26:50,191 --> 00:26:51,234
[audience laughs]
637
00:26:51,860 --> 00:26:53,445
Seems like a choice, y'know?
638
00:26:53,945 --> 00:26:56,156
How would that even work
in a social setting?
639
00:26:56,239 --> 00:26:58,283
Show up to a party.
Your buddy's like, "Bud Light?"
640
00:26:58,366 --> 00:27:01,328
You're like,
"No, I'll have a… Drakkar Noir."
641
00:27:01,411 --> 00:27:02,871
[audience laughs]
642
00:27:04,539 --> 00:27:05,540
[blows, chuckles]
643
00:27:07,125 --> 00:27:09,711
"It's got some heat on it!"
Y'know what I mean?
644
00:27:09,794 --> 00:27:10,837
[laughter continues]
645
00:27:12,297 --> 00:27:13,673
[chuckles] Okay.
646
00:27:15,008 --> 00:27:18,511
I went out to San Diego not too long ago.
Had a lotta fun out there.
647
00:27:18,595 --> 00:27:21,973
Thank you. And, uh,
lotta homeless people out there.
648
00:27:22,057 --> 00:27:23,683
Um, I don't mind.
649
00:27:23,767 --> 00:27:27,479
A lot of people think I'm homeless.
Y'know what I mean? Doesn't bother me.
650
00:27:27,562 --> 00:27:30,523
They were very polite. Some of the nicest
homeless people I'd ever seen.
651
00:27:30,607 --> 00:27:33,360
One guy came up to me on the street,
both hands on his belt like this.
652
00:27:33,443 --> 00:27:35,904
He goes, "Would you like me
to whoop your ass?"
653
00:27:35,987 --> 00:27:37,280
[audience laughs]
654
00:27:40,950 --> 00:27:42,160
[chuckles]
655
00:27:44,329 --> 00:27:46,247
I thought it was polite that he asked.
656
00:27:46,331 --> 00:27:47,707
[audience laughs]
657
00:27:52,087 --> 00:27:55,048
I go to a lotta cities.
Lotta times they won't ask, y'know?
658
00:27:55,131 --> 00:27:56,341
[audience laughs]
659
00:27:57,717 --> 00:27:59,844
-[man] Whoo!
-They'll just try to do it.
660
00:27:59,928 --> 00:28:02,472
But this guy asked, y'know,
and I appreciated it.
661
00:28:02,972 --> 00:28:04,474
I said no, of course.
662
00:28:04,557 --> 00:28:05,642
[audience chuckles]
663
00:28:05,725 --> 00:28:07,185
He got so mad when I said no.
664
00:28:07,268 --> 00:28:09,854
I guess he'd been out there all day
askin' that question.
665
00:28:10,438 --> 00:28:13,441
Like, "Dang, that's the last thing
on my to-do list."
666
00:28:14,859 --> 00:28:17,404
"Then I can get back to the tent."
Y'know what I mean?
667
00:28:17,904 --> 00:28:19,781
-Okay.
-[audience chuckles]
668
00:28:19,864 --> 00:28:21,866
-[chuckles] Okay.
-[audience cheering]
669
00:28:22,450 --> 00:28:23,451
[Dusty chuckles]
670
00:28:24,619 --> 00:28:25,620
[softly] Okay.
671
00:28:25,704 --> 00:28:26,621
[woman] Whoo!
672
00:28:27,122 --> 00:28:29,374
If I were homeless,
the first thing I'd save up and buy
673
00:28:29,457 --> 00:28:30,792
would be a day planner.
674
00:28:31,543 --> 00:28:33,753
That way, every day,
I could open it up and go,
675
00:28:33,837 --> 00:28:34,879
"Nothin' to do!"
676
00:28:34,963 --> 00:28:36,172
[audience chuckles]
677
00:28:36,673 --> 00:28:38,550
That joke never does as well as I'd like.
678
00:28:38,633 --> 00:28:39,926
-But, uh…
-[audience laughs]
679
00:28:40,009 --> 00:28:41,803
People think I'm makin' fun
of homeless people,
680
00:28:41,886 --> 00:28:44,764
when I'm really just
admiring the freedom, y'know?
681
00:28:45,348 --> 00:28:48,017
Free schedule any day of the week?
That's what I'm talkin' about.
682
00:28:48,101 --> 00:28:49,227
[scattered chuckling]
683
00:28:49,310 --> 00:28:51,438
Never gets better the more I explain it.
But, uh…
684
00:28:51,521 --> 00:28:52,814
[audience laughs]
685
00:28:54,357 --> 00:28:56,943
Here's a joke that never works. Um…
686
00:28:57,485 --> 00:29:00,447
This joke's not about homelessness.
It's a different j-- It's a good joke.
687
00:29:00,530 --> 00:29:02,782
It just doesn't
do that well for audiences.
688
00:29:02,866 --> 00:29:03,992
[scattered laughter]
689
00:29:04,743 --> 00:29:07,162
I like this joke a lot.
I'm a big fan of it.
690
00:29:07,662 --> 00:29:09,831
We're gonna do it in a minute though.
Here we go.
691
00:29:09,914 --> 00:29:11,791
-[audience chuckling]
-[sighs] Okay.
692
00:29:11,875 --> 00:29:13,752
All right. Here it goes.
693
00:29:13,835 --> 00:29:15,837
Sometimes, I'll be listenin' to the radio,
694
00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:18,673
and they'll be advertising,
like, a local business, y'know?
695
00:29:18,757 --> 00:29:22,260
They'll be like, "We've been in business
for well over 50 years!"
696
00:29:22,761 --> 00:29:25,680
And I'm like,
"Well, how well over, y'know?"
697
00:29:25,764 --> 00:29:27,098
[scattered chuckling]
698
00:29:27,182 --> 00:29:30,018
Not "well over" enough
to put another number on it?
699
00:29:30,101 --> 00:29:31,269
[audience laughs]
700
00:29:31,853 --> 00:29:34,522
Not 51, 52?
701
00:29:34,606 --> 00:29:38,067
And if it's 51,
is it even that well over 50?
702
00:29:38,151 --> 00:29:39,402
[scattered laughter]
703
00:29:40,153 --> 00:29:41,738
And that's it. That's the whole joke.
704
00:29:41,821 --> 00:29:44,365
-[audience cheering]
-Thank you. Thank you.
705
00:29:47,327 --> 00:29:49,078
It's a good joke. It's a good joke.
706
00:29:49,162 --> 00:29:52,332
It's not that funny, I guess,
but it does make a lotta sense.
707
00:29:52,415 --> 00:29:53,666
[audience laughs]
708
00:29:55,293 --> 00:29:57,545
But that's not really what you want
out of a comic, y'know,
709
00:29:57,629 --> 00:29:59,547
just to make a lotta sense.
710
00:29:59,631 --> 00:30:01,257
You don't wanna leave the show being like,
711
00:30:01,341 --> 00:30:05,011
"You know what? He wasn't that funny,
but he made a lotta sense."
712
00:30:05,094 --> 00:30:06,596
[audience laughs]
713
00:30:06,679 --> 00:30:09,974
"I found myself sitting there,
not laughing so much as I was being like,
714
00:30:10,058 --> 00:30:12,644
'You know what? That adds up,
what he's sayin' right there.'"
715
00:30:13,144 --> 00:30:15,814
"I appreciate the way
he puts things together
716
00:30:16,314 --> 00:30:18,483
in a way that I can understand."
717
00:30:18,983 --> 00:30:20,276
If somebody hands you a drink,
718
00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:23,279
and they go,
"There's well over six ounces in here."
719
00:30:24,447 --> 00:30:26,616
You're like,
"Are you tryin' to say seven?"
720
00:30:26,699 --> 00:30:27,992
[audience laughs]
721
00:30:28,076 --> 00:30:30,620
[chuckles] That's the same joke.
Bit of a different twist to it.
722
00:30:30,703 --> 00:30:32,330
[laughter and applause]
723
00:30:32,413 --> 00:30:34,499
Not much funnier but it is, uh…
724
00:30:34,582 --> 00:30:37,126
-[scattered whoops]
-S… still makes a lotta sense.
725
00:30:37,210 --> 00:30:38,795
[scattered chuckling]
726
00:30:40,380 --> 00:30:42,382
I used to be a big drinker.
I like drinkin' a lot.
727
00:30:42,465 --> 00:30:45,176
-I quit drinkin', but I do like it. And…
-[person whoops]
728
00:30:45,260 --> 00:30:47,720
-You know what I mean. Yeah.
-[audience laughs]
729
00:30:47,804 --> 00:30:50,181
Don't know what you're clappin' for,
drinkin' or not drinkin'.
730
00:30:50,265 --> 00:30:52,350
But it doesn't matter. They're both good!
731
00:30:52,433 --> 00:30:54,185
-And, uh…
-[audience laughs]
732
00:30:54,269 --> 00:30:58,147
I like drinking so much, I like to let it
completely control my life. Y'know?
733
00:30:58,231 --> 00:30:59,399
[audience laughs]
734
00:31:00,525 --> 00:31:03,653
I never understood people
that wanna go out for two beers.
735
00:31:03,736 --> 00:31:06,406
They're like, "Wanna get a couple beers?"
I'm like, "Why?!"
736
00:31:06,489 --> 00:31:07,824
-Y'know?
-[audience laughs]
737
00:31:07,907 --> 00:31:09,742
"Let's get into it, man!"
738
00:31:10,243 --> 00:31:12,245
"Let's lose our jobs this week!"
739
00:31:12,328 --> 00:31:14,122
[laughter and applause]
740
00:31:14,205 --> 00:31:17,125
-[man] Whoo!
-"Let's ruin our relationships."
741
00:31:18,209 --> 00:31:22,130
I like to go out with a friend
and ruin that friendship in the night.
742
00:31:22,213 --> 00:31:24,382
-[audience laughs]
-[woman whoops]
743
00:31:25,925 --> 00:31:26,968
"What happened to Mike?"
744
00:31:27,051 --> 00:31:29,846
I was like, "I don't know. He jumped
out of the car while I was driving."
745
00:31:29,929 --> 00:31:31,347
[audience laughs]
746
00:31:34,017 --> 00:31:37,061
[chuckling]
747
00:31:37,145 --> 00:31:38,521
[scattered laughter]
748
00:31:39,230 --> 00:31:42,400
I was hangin' out outside a bar one night.
I was not drinkin'.
749
00:31:42,483 --> 00:31:45,069
I'd already quit drinkin'.
I was just out there being cool.
750
00:31:45,153 --> 00:31:48,489
Just, uh, being cool,
looking cool, y'know?
751
00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:53,286
This girl comes up to me outta nowhere.
She's pretty drunk, pretty attractive.
752
00:31:53,369 --> 00:31:54,579
She walked right up to me.
753
00:31:54,662 --> 00:31:57,206
I was like, "All right!
That's what I'm talkin' about." Y'know?
754
00:31:57,290 --> 00:31:59,167
-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]
755
00:31:59,250 --> 00:32:02,837
She got right up to me, and she goes,
"You gotta get new glasses."
756
00:32:02,921 --> 00:32:04,672
[audience laughs]
757
00:32:04,756 --> 00:32:07,675
She was like, "I don't wanna have sex
with you with those glasses."
758
00:32:08,176 --> 00:32:09,594
And I'm married, y'know?
759
00:32:09,677 --> 00:32:12,013
I was not out there lookin' for sex.
760
00:32:12,555 --> 00:32:14,599
But I was like,
"What kinda glasses should I get?"
761
00:32:14,682 --> 00:32:15,892
[audience laughs]
762
00:32:16,684 --> 00:32:17,685
[chuckles]
763
00:32:18,603 --> 00:32:21,147
Y'know what I mean?
You might as well find out, y'know?
764
00:32:22,357 --> 00:32:24,484
I wanna play to my strengths out here.
765
00:32:24,567 --> 00:32:25,818
[scattered laughter]
766
00:32:25,902 --> 00:32:27,737
I don't have to wear these glasses.
767
00:32:27,820 --> 00:32:29,948
You know, I need them to see, but…
768
00:32:30,031 --> 00:32:31,574
[audience laughs]
769
00:32:31,658 --> 00:32:33,242
…I can take them off.
770
00:32:33,326 --> 00:32:34,994
[audience laughs]
771
00:32:38,247 --> 00:32:40,500
So I was like,
"What kinda glasses should I get?"
772
00:32:40,583 --> 00:32:42,418
She goes, "Any kind."
773
00:32:43,211 --> 00:32:45,672
She said,
"Those are Jeffrey Dahmer glasses."
774
00:32:45,755 --> 00:32:47,173
[audience laughs]
775
00:32:47,256 --> 00:32:50,009
"You're not gonna get laid
with those glasses."
776
00:32:50,093 --> 00:32:52,679
And I was like, "Well, he got laid a lot."
777
00:32:52,762 --> 00:32:54,472
[audience laughs]
778
00:32:54,555 --> 00:32:55,598
[chuckles]
779
00:32:57,266 --> 00:33:00,311
Y'know what I mean?
Okay! No, we're havin' a good time.
780
00:33:00,395 --> 00:33:02,605
-[audience cheering]
-Thank you. Thank you.
781
00:33:02,689 --> 00:33:05,233
[audience applauding]
782
00:33:05,316 --> 00:33:08,111
You would think
that would be a weird thing to say, right?
783
00:33:08,695 --> 00:33:11,739
But, in the moment,
it felt like it got flirty.
784
00:33:11,823 --> 00:33:13,241
[audience laughs]
785
00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:15,743
Felt like she was into it, man.
786
00:33:15,827 --> 00:33:18,579
I don't know how or why,
but it did feel that way.
787
00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:20,081
I even thought to myself,
788
00:33:20,164 --> 00:33:23,376
"If I were looking for sex,
I think I woulda just found it here."
789
00:33:23,459 --> 00:33:25,586
-[audience laughs]
-[man chuckles]
790
00:33:25,670 --> 00:33:27,797
But that's one of the best things
about being married.
791
00:33:27,880 --> 00:33:30,216
When you're married,
you can always believe
792
00:33:30,299 --> 00:33:31,843
you were about to get laid.
793
00:33:31,926 --> 00:33:33,302
[audience laughs]
794
00:33:33,386 --> 00:33:34,971
Long as you don't act on it,
795
00:33:35,054 --> 00:33:37,682
you can always believe
it was about to happen.
796
00:33:38,182 --> 00:33:39,183
And that feels good.
797
00:33:39,267 --> 00:33:41,394
I mean, that's a confidence level
that you can't touch.
798
00:33:41,477 --> 00:33:43,896
I mean, that is way up here.
Y'know what I mean?
799
00:33:44,397 --> 00:33:48,151
Like, if you go to the bar or the club
and you're single and you don't get laid,
800
00:33:48,234 --> 00:33:50,862
you're like, "Ugh! I'm a loser."
801
00:33:50,945 --> 00:33:51,863
Y'know?
802
00:33:51,946 --> 00:33:55,575
If you go to the bar or the club
and you're married and you don't get laid,
803
00:33:55,658 --> 00:33:58,494
you're like, "I'm a good dude."
804
00:33:58,578 --> 00:34:00,038
[audience laughs]
805
00:34:02,040 --> 00:34:05,543
[chuckles] You're like, "Yeah,
I coulda gotten laid if I wanted to,
806
00:34:05,626 --> 00:34:08,546
but I'm just out here shuttin' it down!"
807
00:34:08,629 --> 00:34:09,964
[audience laughs]
808
00:34:11,007 --> 00:34:12,008
[Dusty chuckles]
809
00:34:12,675 --> 00:34:15,470
-That feels good, y'know?
-[audience chuckling]
810
00:34:15,553 --> 00:34:18,973
Feels good to not accomplish anything
and be self-righteous about it.
811
00:34:19,057 --> 00:34:20,349
[audience laughs]
812
00:34:22,977 --> 00:34:25,229
That's how I'm tryin'
to live my life, y'know?
813
00:34:25,313 --> 00:34:26,314
[scattered chuckling]
814
00:34:26,397 --> 00:34:27,398
[Dusty chuckles]
815
00:34:28,066 --> 00:34:30,485
I don't know a lot
about serial killers, y'know?
816
00:34:30,985 --> 00:34:32,320
I'm not into that sort of stuff.
817
00:34:32,403 --> 00:34:35,114
I don't… I don't, uh…
y'know, I don't read books about 'em.
818
00:34:35,198 --> 00:34:38,785
I don't watch TV shows about 'em.
I don't listen to their podcasts.
819
00:34:39,285 --> 00:34:42,330
But I know some names, y'know?
I know some classics.
820
00:34:42,830 --> 00:34:45,291
So when the girl told me
I had Jeffrey Dahmer glasses,
821
00:34:45,374 --> 00:34:47,794
I thought she was talking
about Ted Bundy, right?
822
00:34:47,877 --> 00:34:49,003
[audience chuckles]
823
00:34:49,087 --> 00:34:50,713
And I know he killed people too,
824
00:34:50,797 --> 00:34:53,382
but a lotta people said
he was attractive, y'know?
825
00:34:53,883 --> 00:34:55,676
So I looked up Jeffrey Dahmer.
826
00:34:55,760 --> 00:34:57,470
[realization laughter]
827
00:34:59,388 --> 00:35:01,015
Turns out, he eats people.
828
00:35:01,099 --> 00:35:02,517
[audience laughs]
829
00:35:06,437 --> 00:35:07,939
So that's different, y'know?
830
00:35:08,022 --> 00:35:09,273
[laughter continues]
831
00:35:09,357 --> 00:35:11,359
Like, kill people, fine.
Y'know what I mean?
832
00:35:11,442 --> 00:35:12,902
But don't eat them.
833
00:35:12,985 --> 00:35:14,237
[audience laughs]
834
00:35:15,446 --> 00:35:17,782
Have some respect for yourself, y'know?
835
00:35:18,282 --> 00:35:22,328
I like to think even other serial killers
are looking down on that sorta stuff.
836
00:35:22,829 --> 00:35:24,288
Like, if they were to get together
837
00:35:24,372 --> 00:35:26,958
at some kinda,
y'know, serial killer meet-up,
838
00:35:27,041 --> 00:35:30,545
or, like, an annual sales meeting
of serial killers,
839
00:35:31,045 --> 00:35:35,758
after the meeting, they're all at the bar,
and they're like, "Hey, listen, Jeff…"
840
00:35:35,842 --> 00:35:37,260
[audience laughs]
841
00:35:38,094 --> 00:35:40,388
"…don't be eatin' the bodies, buddy."
842
00:35:40,471 --> 00:35:41,722
[audience laughs]
843
00:35:41,806 --> 00:35:42,932
[man] Yeah!
844
00:35:43,015 --> 00:35:44,642
[scattered applause and whoops]
845
00:35:44,725 --> 00:35:46,894
[audience cheering]
846
00:35:47,478 --> 00:35:49,730
"You're making us all look bad here."
847
00:35:49,814 --> 00:35:52,233
"Really bringin' down the whole industry."
848
00:35:52,733 --> 00:35:55,903
They're like, "Listen,
we all like a little knife action, okay?"
849
00:35:55,987 --> 00:35:57,113
[audience chuckles]
850
00:35:57,196 --> 00:35:58,614
"We love the knife."
851
00:35:59,448 --> 00:36:01,742
"But you gotta put down the fork."
852
00:36:01,826 --> 00:36:03,202
[audience laughs]
853
00:36:03,953 --> 00:36:05,580
[whooping and applause]
854
00:36:05,663 --> 00:36:07,456
[chuckles] Y'know what I mean?
855
00:36:07,540 --> 00:36:08,708
[scattered applause]
856
00:36:08,791 --> 00:36:10,668
"C'mon, buddy." [sighs]
857
00:36:11,294 --> 00:36:14,463
Yeah, I love to humanize a serial killer
for a laugh, y'know what I mean?
858
00:36:14,964 --> 00:36:16,507
Okay. Thank you.
859
00:36:16,591 --> 00:36:18,593
-[scattered laughter]
-[Dusty chuckles]
860
00:36:20,094 --> 00:36:22,305
I think they said Ted Bundy
got caught down in Florida.
861
00:36:22,388 --> 00:36:25,016
He got caught jaywalkin'.
That's how they caught him.
862
00:36:25,099 --> 00:36:26,601
That escalated quickly, huh?
863
00:36:26,684 --> 00:36:28,060
[audience laughs]
864
00:36:28,144 --> 00:36:30,688
Can you imagine that?
You get arrested for jaywalkin'.
865
00:36:30,771 --> 00:36:33,691
They're like, "Hey, by the way,
have you been murdering people?"
866
00:36:33,774 --> 00:36:35,026
[audience laughs]
867
00:36:36,569 --> 00:36:39,238
I think if you've been murdering
a lot of people, maybe go ahead
868
00:36:39,322 --> 00:36:41,282
and go to the crosswalk, you know?
869
00:36:41,365 --> 00:36:42,700
[audience laughs]
870
00:36:44,911 --> 00:36:47,830
You just think you can get away
with anything at that point, y'know?
871
00:36:48,331 --> 00:36:49,332
[chuckles]
872
00:36:49,415 --> 00:36:52,418
You're like, "I've been killin' people.
I'll cross the street whenever I want."
873
00:36:52,501 --> 00:36:53,711
[audience laughs]
874
00:36:53,794 --> 00:36:56,005
"Hey, you don't tell me
when to cross the street."
875
00:36:56,923 --> 00:36:58,257
"I'll kill ya." [chuckles]
876
00:36:58,341 --> 00:36:59,675
[audience laughs]
877
00:37:00,218 --> 00:37:02,053
-[cheering]
-[chuckles] Y'know?
878
00:37:02,136 --> 00:37:04,722
-[audience applauding]
-[Dusty chuckling]
879
00:37:04,805 --> 00:37:07,183
-[scattered cheering]
-[Dusty chuckles]
880
00:37:08,017 --> 00:37:09,936
You know, the problem with drugs is…
881
00:37:10,019 --> 00:37:11,562
[audience laughs]
882
00:37:11,646 --> 00:37:14,357
…is addiction, right?
That's the problem with drugs, addiction.
883
00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:17,443
'Cause if we're not gettin' addicted,
we're just out here havin' a good time.
884
00:37:17,526 --> 00:37:19,820
-Y'know what I mean?
-[audience chuckles, whoops]
885
00:37:19,904 --> 00:37:22,865
Like, if you could guarantee
I wouldn't get addicted, and I mean this,
886
00:37:22,949 --> 00:37:24,951
if you could guarantee
that I wouldn't get addicted,
887
00:37:25,034 --> 00:37:26,160
I'd try crack.
888
00:37:26,244 --> 00:37:27,745
[audience laughs]
889
00:37:28,913 --> 00:37:32,625
I've always wanted to try it.
Um, seems like my kinda drug.
890
00:37:32,708 --> 00:37:35,169
Y'know, I don't wanna do it a lot,
one or two times.
891
00:37:35,253 --> 00:37:36,379
Well over one time.
892
00:37:36,462 --> 00:37:38,673
-That's all I wanna do it.
-[audience laughs]
893
00:37:38,756 --> 00:37:41,300
-[whooping, applauding]
-That's all I wanna do it.
894
00:37:41,384 --> 00:37:43,094
Well over one time, y'know?
895
00:37:43,177 --> 00:37:44,178
But I don't wanna…
896
00:37:44,262 --> 00:37:47,014
I don't wanna be, like,
a crackhead or whatever, y'know?
897
00:37:47,098 --> 00:37:48,182
[scattered chuckling]
898
00:37:48,266 --> 00:37:49,183
So I don't do it.
899
00:37:49,267 --> 00:37:51,143
But imagine they could invent, like,
900
00:37:51,227 --> 00:37:53,479
a non-addictive crack, y'know?
901
00:37:53,562 --> 00:37:57,316
That'd be fun. Like, all the fun of crack
without the baggage, y'know?
902
00:37:57,817 --> 00:38:00,778
Crack that you can do today
but not tomorrow, y'know?
903
00:38:00,861 --> 00:38:01,862
[audience laughs]
904
00:38:01,946 --> 00:38:04,991
Unless you want to, y'know?
At that point, it's up to you really.
905
00:38:05,074 --> 00:38:06,409
It's your choice.
906
00:38:06,492 --> 00:38:10,121
Um… but a lotta weed is becoming legal
in a lotta states, y'know,
907
00:38:10,204 --> 00:38:11,956
and they start setting up dispensaries.
908
00:38:12,039 --> 00:38:15,334
So you could start setting up
these crack dispensaries, y'know?
909
00:38:15,418 --> 00:38:18,004
You still make it look like
an old house if you want.
910
00:38:18,087 --> 00:38:20,131
-Y'know, you don't…
-[audience laughs]
911
00:38:22,758 --> 00:38:24,844
You don't wanna kill the vibe of crack.
912
00:38:24,927 --> 00:38:26,095
[audience laughs]
913
00:38:26,178 --> 00:38:28,973
You don't wanna ruin
the aesthetic that crack has.
914
00:38:29,056 --> 00:38:30,766
-[chuckling]
-But think about this.
915
00:38:30,850 --> 00:38:32,893
You're at work on Friday,
about to get off work.
916
00:38:32,977 --> 00:38:35,062
You're like,
"I don't really wanna drink this weekend,
917
00:38:35,146 --> 00:38:37,231
but I'd like to have some fun, y'know?"
918
00:38:37,315 --> 00:38:39,692
So, on your way home,
you stop off at the dispensary,
919
00:38:39,775 --> 00:38:44,322
and you get yourself a little rock,
and, uh… you go back to the house.
920
00:38:44,405 --> 00:38:46,907
And you don't do it on Friday.
You just kinda rest up.
921
00:38:46,991 --> 00:38:51,579
And then on Saturday, you get up,
maybe go out on the side deck, and, uh…
922
00:38:51,662 --> 00:38:53,205
[audience laughs]
923
00:38:53,289 --> 00:38:55,541
[chuckles] Y'know what I mean?
924
00:38:55,624 --> 00:38:58,961
You got some cigarettes,
maybe a lightbulb, and, uh…
925
00:38:59,045 --> 00:39:00,546
[audience laughs]
926
00:39:00,629 --> 00:39:03,215
You drop that rock in there,
and you fire it up, y'know?
927
00:39:03,299 --> 00:39:05,718
Smoke a little crack out there
on the back porch.
928
00:39:05,801 --> 00:39:07,636
Your neighbor sees you
over the privacy fence.
929
00:39:07,720 --> 00:39:11,140
You're like, "Oh, no." [chuckling]
"It's non-addictive now. This is…"
930
00:39:11,223 --> 00:39:12,683
[audience laughs]
931
00:39:12,767 --> 00:39:15,269
"It's not gonna be a problem
in the future, y'know?"
932
00:39:15,770 --> 00:39:17,980
You ride it out on Saturday.
You recover on Sunday.
933
00:39:18,064 --> 00:39:18,981
Back at work on Monday.
934
00:39:19,065 --> 00:39:21,609
Your coworkers are like,
"What you do this weekend?"
935
00:39:21,692 --> 00:39:24,028
You're like, "Y'know what?
I tried crack for the first time."
936
00:39:24,111 --> 00:39:27,031
-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles] They go, "Whoa, how was it?"
937
00:39:27,114 --> 00:39:29,533
You're like, "Pretty wild, really.
I wasn't ready."
938
00:39:29,617 --> 00:39:31,952
"Started off pretty smooth,
then I kinda blacked out
939
00:39:32,036 --> 00:39:34,830
and… stole a catalytic converter, and…"
940
00:39:34,914 --> 00:39:36,332
[audience laughs]
941
00:39:40,044 --> 00:39:42,296
"I don't know why.
I don't even know what it does, y'know?"
942
00:39:42,380 --> 00:39:43,839
-"But…"
-[audience laughs]
943
00:39:43,923 --> 00:39:45,883
"I just wanted to get my hands on one!"
944
00:39:45,966 --> 00:39:47,259
[audience laughs]
945
00:39:48,386 --> 00:39:49,387
[chuckles]
946
00:39:51,013 --> 00:39:52,390
[scattered laughter]
947
00:39:52,473 --> 00:39:54,558
Took it off my own car though, so…
948
00:39:54,642 --> 00:39:56,268
[audience laughs]
949
00:39:56,352 --> 00:39:57,728
[Dusty chuckling]
950
00:39:57,812 --> 00:39:59,980
[cheering and applause]
951
00:40:00,064 --> 00:40:03,067
It's a real…
It's a real mess out there, y'know?
952
00:40:03,150 --> 00:40:04,985
My driveway's in shambles.
953
00:40:05,069 --> 00:40:06,362
[scattered laughter]
954
00:40:06,445 --> 00:40:08,197
Had to Uber to work today.
955
00:40:08,280 --> 00:40:09,615
[laughter continues]
956
00:40:09,698 --> 00:40:10,699
[Dusty laughs]
957
00:40:12,243 --> 00:40:14,412
Thinkin' about doin' a little crack
this weekend. See…
958
00:40:14,912 --> 00:40:16,831
See if I can't get it back on, y'know?
959
00:40:16,914 --> 00:40:17,915
[audience laughs]
960
00:40:18,833 --> 00:40:20,668
It's when I do my best work.
961
00:40:21,669 --> 00:40:22,670
[chuckles]
962
00:40:23,462 --> 00:40:25,297
I had a buddy that did crack one time,
963
00:40:25,381 --> 00:40:29,093
and, uh, he told me it felt like he was
having a heart attack the whole time.
964
00:40:29,176 --> 00:40:31,512
I don't know if he ever did it again,
but the next day,
965
00:40:31,595 --> 00:40:34,640
I had to drive him around
while he pawned a lotta DVDs.
966
00:40:34,723 --> 00:40:36,058
[audience laughs]
967
00:40:38,144 --> 00:40:41,772
So I don't… I don't know if there's
a connection there or not, or if…
968
00:40:42,481 --> 00:40:45,192
or if he just started hatin' movies
after that, y'know?
969
00:40:45,276 --> 00:40:46,777
[audience laughs]
970
00:40:46,861 --> 00:40:49,905
Just didn't have
the attention span for it after that.
971
00:40:51,574 --> 00:40:55,035
I don't know. [chuckles]
I don't know what it is, but, uh…
972
00:40:55,536 --> 00:40:56,745
Okay.
973
00:40:56,829 --> 00:40:58,414
[audience chuckles]
974
00:40:58,497 --> 00:41:00,958
Okay, well, I have kids now.
I have two kids.
975
00:41:01,041 --> 00:41:04,253
-Thank you. And, uh… Yeah. Thank you.
-[audience cheering]
976
00:41:04,336 --> 00:41:06,922
I do. I have two kids, and it's the bes--
One of them's a baby.
977
00:41:07,006 --> 00:41:10,676
-Y'know, and I'm well over 40, and, uh…
-[scattered chuckling]
978
00:41:10,759 --> 00:41:12,595
Yeah, I like to milk a joke.
Y'know what I mean?
979
00:41:12,678 --> 00:41:15,598
I like a lotta milk jokes,
and I'll milk a joke. And, uh…
980
00:41:15,681 --> 00:41:16,891
[audience laughs]
981
00:41:16,974 --> 00:41:18,184
[scattered applause]
982
00:41:18,267 --> 00:41:20,436
Thank you. And, uh, y'know…
983
00:41:20,519 --> 00:41:22,730
And I'm over 40.
I remember when my dad turned 40.
984
00:41:22,813 --> 00:41:26,317
It was a big deal.
We were like, "Dang. This guy is old!"
985
00:41:26,400 --> 00:41:27,359
[audience chuckles]
986
00:41:27,443 --> 00:41:31,447
Like, there was a sign in our yard
that said, "Lordy, Lordy, Richard's 40."
987
00:41:31,530 --> 00:41:32,781
[audience laughs]
988
00:41:33,532 --> 00:41:36,660
You're like, "Dang, this guy's
about to die, I guess. I dunno."
989
00:41:36,744 --> 00:41:37,786
[laughter continues]
990
00:41:37,870 --> 00:41:40,831
"He's so old,
the neighborhood's talkin' about it."
991
00:41:42,208 --> 00:41:45,127
But I don't feel old like that, y'know?
I feel good. I feel good.
992
00:41:45,211 --> 00:41:47,796
-But I did get vertigo not long ago.
-[woman] Yeah.
993
00:41:47,880 --> 00:41:50,716
I don't know if you guys know
what that is. Somebody does. And, uh…
994
00:41:50,799 --> 00:41:51,884
[audience chuckles]
995
00:41:51,967 --> 00:41:54,136
It's like a real
old-person thing, vertigo.
996
00:41:54,637 --> 00:41:56,764
The main symptom is you just get dizzy.
997
00:41:56,847 --> 00:41:59,517
I think that's the only symptom.
Physically, you're fine.
998
00:42:00,017 --> 00:42:01,352
Just real dizzy, y'know?
999
00:42:01,435 --> 00:42:03,687
You don't see
a lotta young kids with vertigo.
1000
00:42:03,771 --> 00:42:07,107
You don't see kids jumpin' off
the merry-go-round, being like, "Ugh!"
1001
00:42:07,191 --> 00:42:09,109
"Really activated my vertigo!"
1002
00:42:09,193 --> 00:42:10,486
[audience laughs]
1003
00:42:13,739 --> 00:42:15,950
Kids like being dizzy. It's fun to them.
1004
00:42:16,450 --> 00:42:18,285
It's devastating for an adult.
1005
00:42:18,369 --> 00:42:19,912
[audience laughs]
1006
00:42:22,957 --> 00:42:26,168
You feel so weak.
Like, physically, nothin' wrong with you.
1007
00:42:26,252 --> 00:42:28,587
But inside, you're like,
"Oh, I can't stand."
1008
00:42:28,671 --> 00:42:30,047
[audience laughs]
1009
00:42:30,130 --> 00:42:33,050
[chuckles] "Can't even stare
at the wall, really."
1010
00:42:33,551 --> 00:42:35,970
-"Keeps movin'."
-[audience chuckles]
1011
00:42:36,554 --> 00:42:38,389
My friends call me up.
"Hey, you wanna go out?"
1012
00:42:38,472 --> 00:42:41,725
I'm like, "Nah, I can't.
I'm real dizzy right now."
1013
00:42:41,809 --> 00:42:42,977
[audience laughs]
1014
00:42:43,852 --> 00:42:47,231
They're like, "What happened?"
I'm like, "I was just sittin' here."
1015
00:42:47,314 --> 00:42:48,649
[laughter continues]
1016
00:42:48,732 --> 00:42:50,234
"And then I got up."
1017
00:42:50,317 --> 00:42:51,819
[audience laughs]
1018
00:42:51,902 --> 00:42:54,947
[chuckles] "After that,
I was real dizzy, y'know?"
1019
00:42:56,574 --> 00:43:00,703
I went to the doctor about it.
And this is a real doctor that I went to.
1020
00:43:00,786 --> 00:43:04,039
I want you to know I didn't go through
any doorways made of beads to get there.
1021
00:43:04,123 --> 00:43:05,833
-But, uh…
-[audience laughs]
1022
00:43:08,919 --> 00:43:12,214
[chuckles] But he got
real mystical with me, y'know?
1023
00:43:12,298 --> 00:43:15,217
He was like,
"You got these crystals in your ears."
1024
00:43:15,718 --> 00:43:17,636
[chuckles] And, uh, he said,
1025
00:43:17,720 --> 00:43:20,556
"They get lost in there,
and they get turned around or whatever."
1026
00:43:20,639 --> 00:43:23,350
"And you'll get--"
I'm paraphrasin' some. But he said…
1027
00:43:23,434 --> 00:43:24,643
[audience laughs]
1028
00:43:25,936 --> 00:43:27,896
But apparently,
there are crystals in our ears.
1029
00:43:27,980 --> 00:43:29,523
At least that's what everybody believes.
1030
00:43:29,607 --> 00:43:31,483
That we all have
these crystals in our ears,
1031
00:43:31,567 --> 00:43:33,611
and that's what's keeping us balanced.
1032
00:43:33,694 --> 00:43:36,363
They weren't able
to present this crystal to me. They…
1033
00:43:36,447 --> 00:43:37,948
[audience laughs]
1034
00:43:38,032 --> 00:43:41,493
They didn't x-ray my head and go,
"You see those crystals there?"
1035
00:43:41,577 --> 00:43:42,661
[audience chuckles]
1036
00:43:43,329 --> 00:43:46,707
But that's apparently what's happening.
There's crystals in… in your ear.
1037
00:43:47,291 --> 00:43:49,001
So this is what I think happened.
1038
00:43:49,084 --> 00:43:51,795
One time, I was using a Q-tip
to clean my ear,
1039
00:43:52,296 --> 00:43:53,881
and I was really getting at it.
1040
00:43:53,964 --> 00:43:55,174
[audience laughs]
1041
00:43:55,257 --> 00:43:58,302
Pulled the Q-tip out,
there was no more cotton left on the end.
1042
00:43:58,385 --> 00:43:59,637
[audience laughs]
1043
00:44:01,472 --> 00:44:03,057
I got too into it, y'know?
1044
00:44:03,140 --> 00:44:04,975
Just pulled out a stick.
1045
00:44:05,059 --> 00:44:06,185
[laughter continues]
1046
00:44:07,436 --> 00:44:09,188
I was like, "That can't be right."
1047
00:44:09,271 --> 00:44:10,397
[audience laughs]
1048
00:44:10,481 --> 00:44:12,650
So I reached in my ear,
and I tried to get it, y'know?
1049
00:44:12,733 --> 00:44:15,027
I tried to pull the cotton out,
but I never got the cotton.
1050
00:44:15,110 --> 00:44:17,029
I guess my ear sucked it up.
1051
00:44:17,655 --> 00:44:19,406
It's like quicksand in there.
1052
00:44:19,490 --> 00:44:20,783
[audience chuckles]
1053
00:44:20,866 --> 00:44:23,410
So I think when my--
that cotton went down my ear canal,
1054
00:44:23,494 --> 00:44:25,663
I think my crystal got lodged up in there…
1055
00:44:25,746 --> 00:44:26,872
[audience laughs]
1056
00:44:27,915 --> 00:44:29,833
…and it took it down with it.
1057
00:44:31,627 --> 00:44:34,088
I don't know how all this
is connected in my brain, y'know?
1058
00:44:34,171 --> 00:44:38,634
I know that one doctor
can do the ear, nose, and throat, y'know?
1059
00:44:38,717 --> 00:44:39,885
[audience laughs]
1060
00:44:40,886 --> 00:44:42,596
So it must be connected in some way.
1061
00:44:42,680 --> 00:44:45,474
One day, I'd like to blow my nose
and be like, "Oh, there's that cotton."
1062
00:44:45,557 --> 00:44:47,434
-And, um…
-[audience laughs]
1063
00:44:47,518 --> 00:44:52,064
[chuckles] …pull it out, dig through it,
find my crystal, pop it back in.
1064
00:44:52,690 --> 00:44:55,192
Be like, "Boom! I'm back, baby!"
1065
00:44:55,275 --> 00:44:57,736
[audience cheering and applauding]
1066
00:44:57,820 --> 00:44:58,779
Thank you.
1067
00:45:01,407 --> 00:45:02,533
[applause subsides]
1068
00:45:02,616 --> 00:45:05,994
But until then,
I'm just a little bit dizzy, and, uh…
1069
00:45:06,078 --> 00:45:07,079
[audience laughs]
1070
00:45:07,162 --> 00:45:09,915
[chuckles] …have a lotta trouble
on a carousel.
1071
00:45:09,998 --> 00:45:11,125
[audience chuckles]
1072
00:45:11,208 --> 00:45:13,085
[chuckling] Y'know what I mean?
1073
00:45:14,169 --> 00:45:16,547
I don't know how ears work.
I don't know anything about ears.
1074
00:45:16,630 --> 00:45:20,467
But I fly a lot, and every time I fly,
it feels like the pressure from the plane
1075
00:45:20,551 --> 00:45:22,344
crushes my ear tubes.
1076
00:45:22,428 --> 00:45:26,306
And then I have to hold my nose and blow,
and it reinflates the tubes.
1077
00:45:26,807 --> 00:45:28,308
I don't know if that's what happens,
1078
00:45:28,392 --> 00:45:30,686
but that's what
it feels like is happenin'.
1079
00:45:31,562 --> 00:45:34,690
I can't breathe out of my ears, right?
I know that none of us can do that.
1080
00:45:34,773 --> 00:45:37,693
That's not something weird with me.
I know that none of us can do that.
1081
00:45:38,527 --> 00:45:41,739
But what I'm saying is,
I think I'm close to being able to do it.
1082
00:45:41,822 --> 00:45:42,990
[audience laughs]
1083
00:45:44,491 --> 00:45:47,828
I think I'm just four or five of these
away from popping that tube,
1084
00:45:48,328 --> 00:45:51,165
and then I'm just gettin' fresh air
in through the ears.
1085
00:45:51,248 --> 00:45:52,374
[audience laughs]
1086
00:45:53,459 --> 00:45:56,336
And that's somethin' I want.
That is somethin' I want.
1087
00:45:56,920 --> 00:45:58,881
I wanna be hard to suffocate.
1088
00:45:58,964 --> 00:46:00,299
[audience laughs]
1089
00:46:02,134 --> 00:46:04,261
You gotta have four hands to get me.
1090
00:46:04,344 --> 00:46:06,138
[audience laughing]
1091
00:46:06,221 --> 00:46:09,016
[whooping and applause]
1092
00:46:09,099 --> 00:46:10,100
[Dusty chuckles]
1093
00:46:11,685 --> 00:46:12,978
You wanna do it with a pillow?
1094
00:46:13,061 --> 00:46:15,898
It's gotta be a body pillow.
You gotta wrap it all the way around.
1095
00:46:15,981 --> 00:46:16,982
Tie it up!
1096
00:46:17,065 --> 00:46:18,692
[scattered chuckling]
1097
00:46:18,776 --> 00:46:22,780
I wanna get kidnapped and they go,
"He can't… We can't suffocate this guy."
1098
00:46:23,280 --> 00:46:24,907
"Let him go. Let him go."
1099
00:46:24,990 --> 00:46:26,492
[audience chuckling]
1100
00:46:26,575 --> 00:46:29,161
[Dusty chuckling]
1101
00:46:29,912 --> 00:46:31,580
That is somethin' I want.
1102
00:46:32,122 --> 00:46:34,333
That's some-- that's somethin' I'm into.
1103
00:46:34,416 --> 00:46:36,084
[scattered laughter]
1104
00:46:37,294 --> 00:46:39,296
What if there was
just enough poison in this bottle
1105
00:46:39,379 --> 00:46:41,507
that I had to drink
the whole thing to die?
1106
00:46:41,590 --> 00:46:42,674
[audience laughs]
1107
00:46:44,218 --> 00:46:46,261
At the end of the show,
I take the last sip,
1108
00:46:46,345 --> 00:46:47,679
collapse on the stage.
1109
00:46:47,763 --> 00:46:49,848
You guys think it's all part of the show,
1110
00:46:49,932 --> 00:46:52,184
start filing out,
you go, "What a great show."
1111
00:46:52,267 --> 00:46:53,602
[audience laughs]
1112
00:46:54,937 --> 00:46:57,648
[chuckles] And then you see
the ambulance pull up.
1113
00:46:57,731 --> 00:47:00,150
You're like,
"Wow, he's really diggin' into this, huh?"
1114
00:47:00,234 --> 00:47:01,527
[audience laughs]
1115
00:47:01,610 --> 00:47:03,445
"Gettin' into that bit."
1116
00:47:03,529 --> 00:47:04,780
[scattered chuckling]
1117
00:47:04,863 --> 00:47:05,864
[Dusty chuckles]
1118
00:47:06,990 --> 00:47:09,117
But I like havin' kids.
I'm a big fan of kids.
1119
00:47:09,201 --> 00:47:11,912
I never thought I would have kids.
I love it. I think it's the best.
1120
00:47:11,995 --> 00:47:14,456
So now I try to encourage
other people to have kids.
1121
00:47:14,540 --> 00:47:18,293
I'm always like, "If you don't have kids,
go home tonight and get pregnant."
1122
00:47:18,377 --> 00:47:21,505
I'm pushin' it on 'em.
I'm like, "Do it! Do it!"
1123
00:47:22,005 --> 00:47:25,008
I was talking to a friend of mine
one night outside a comedy club,
1124
00:47:25,092 --> 00:47:29,346
and she was out there smokin' a cigarette,
and, uh, I got her so fired up.
1125
00:47:29,429 --> 00:47:32,349
She was like, "Dang,
I wanna have a kid now too," y'know?
1126
00:47:32,432 --> 00:47:35,811
She goes, "But then again,
if I get pregnant, I gotta quit smokin'."
1127
00:47:35,894 --> 00:47:38,146
And I was like,
"Well, I don't know, y'know?"
1128
00:47:38,230 --> 00:47:39,523
[audience laughs]
1129
00:47:40,858 --> 00:47:43,569
Like, it's different
for everybody, y'know?
1130
00:47:44,361 --> 00:47:47,030
Like, for instance, my sister,
she smoked while she was pregnant,
1131
00:47:47,114 --> 00:47:50,158
and it only took her six months
to have a baby.
1132
00:47:50,242 --> 00:47:51,785
[audience laughing]
1133
00:47:51,869 --> 00:47:53,495
[chuckles] Gracias.
1134
00:47:53,579 --> 00:47:55,622
Ha. Okay.
1135
00:47:55,706 --> 00:47:57,332
[audience cheers]
1136
00:47:57,416 --> 00:47:58,417
[Dusty chuckles]
1137
00:47:59,126 --> 00:48:01,420
Nah, that is true though. And, um…
1138
00:48:01,503 --> 00:48:02,838
[audience laughs]
1139
00:48:02,921 --> 00:48:05,465
They're fine though.
That was years ago. They're fine.
1140
00:48:06,341 --> 00:48:08,510
But I think my sister liked it
at the time, y'know,
1141
00:48:08,594 --> 00:48:11,346
'cause the hospital
wanted to babysit for a while, so…
1142
00:48:11,430 --> 00:48:13,432
[audience laughing]
1143
00:48:14,766 --> 00:48:17,686
She got to go back to her trailer
and smoke cigarettes and…
1144
00:48:17,769 --> 00:48:18,812
[audience laughs]
1145
00:48:18,896 --> 00:48:20,647
…take care of her diabetes.
1146
00:48:20,731 --> 00:48:22,566
[laughter continues]
1147
00:48:22,649 --> 00:48:23,650
[Dusty chuckles]
1148
00:48:24,151 --> 00:48:26,945
My sister had, like,
the original diabetes, y'know?
1149
00:48:27,029 --> 00:48:30,157
I know nowadays
we got a couple of different kinds. Um…
1150
00:48:30,240 --> 00:48:32,743
And over the years,
we've developed a type 2, y'know,
1151
00:48:32,826 --> 00:48:34,494
so we'll call the original "type 1."
1152
00:48:34,578 --> 00:48:37,080
But back when I was growin' up,
there was just one kind.
1153
00:48:37,164 --> 00:48:40,500
So we didn't call it "type 1."
We just called it "diabetes" or whatever.
1154
00:48:40,584 --> 00:48:43,086
I don't know if that's true,
but that is how I remember it.
1155
00:48:43,170 --> 00:48:44,504
[audience laughs]
1156
00:48:44,588 --> 00:48:47,799
I don't remember there being
a lot of kinds of diabetes back then.
1157
00:48:48,300 --> 00:48:50,260
And my sister has the original, y'know?
1158
00:48:50,344 --> 00:48:53,430
It felt like nobody in my family
really knew a lot about diabetes, y'know,
1159
00:48:53,513 --> 00:48:55,515
'cause we'd be out playin'
when we were kids,
1160
00:48:55,599 --> 00:48:58,352
and my sister's blood sugar would get low
or whatever, and we'd be like…
1161
00:48:58,435 --> 00:49:00,562
And she would kinda zombie out out there.
1162
00:49:01,438 --> 00:49:03,941
And we're like,
"Why you being all quiet?" Y'know?
1163
00:49:04,024 --> 00:49:06,318
-[audience laughs]
-[Dusty chuckling]
1164
00:49:06,401 --> 00:49:08,153
And then she'd go to the hospital.
1165
00:49:08,236 --> 00:49:09,321
[audience laughs]
1166
00:49:12,199 --> 00:49:15,452
After a while, we realized, you just kinda
shove a Jolly Rancher in her mouth,
1167
00:49:15,535 --> 00:49:18,163
y'know, and she…
she'd kinda spring back to life.
1168
00:49:18,246 --> 00:49:19,706
[audience laughing]
1169
00:49:19,790 --> 00:49:23,001
And we're like, "All right, you're up!"
Y'know, "You're pitchin'." It's like…
1170
00:49:23,919 --> 00:49:25,796
"There's only three of us out here."
1171
00:49:26,630 --> 00:49:28,799
"Can't be sleepin'
on the mound like that."
1172
00:49:29,299 --> 00:49:30,676
[laughter continues]
1173
00:49:30,759 --> 00:49:32,761
[Dusty chuckling]
1174
00:49:33,679 --> 00:49:36,431
It's weird how, with diabetes,
like, candy could kill you
1175
00:49:36,515 --> 00:49:38,850
but also kinda bring you
back to life, y'know?
1176
00:49:38,934 --> 00:49:41,687
-[person coughing]
-It's… pretty crazy.
1177
00:49:41,770 --> 00:49:43,647
Somebody's suffocatin'
out there right now.
1178
00:49:43,730 --> 00:49:44,982
[audience laughs]
1179
00:49:45,065 --> 00:49:48,402
Don't know if you heard that, but there is
someone in the audience gaspin' for air.
1180
00:49:48,485 --> 00:49:49,778
[laughter continues]
1181
00:49:49,861 --> 00:49:51,029
You might check on 'em.
1182
00:49:51,780 --> 00:49:54,825
But someone is dyin' in the audience,
so if you wanna check that out.
1183
00:49:54,908 --> 00:49:56,284
[laughter continues]
1184
00:49:56,368 --> 00:49:59,121
This is a person that needs a CPAP
while they're awake.
1185
00:49:59,204 --> 00:50:00,622
[laughter continues]
1186
00:50:02,165 --> 00:50:07,546
[Dusty chuckling]
1187
00:50:08,630 --> 00:50:10,340
You're chokin' when you're awake.
1188
00:50:10,424 --> 00:50:11,842
[audience laughing]
1189
00:50:14,636 --> 00:50:17,389
[Dusty chuckling]
1190
00:50:17,472 --> 00:50:19,182
You go in to get a sleep test,
they're like,
1191
00:50:19,266 --> 00:50:21,226
"We started this when you walked in."
1192
00:50:21,309 --> 00:50:22,602
[audience laughs]
1193
00:50:24,062 --> 00:50:26,356
[Dusty chuckling]
1194
00:50:26,440 --> 00:50:27,357
Okay.
1195
00:50:27,441 --> 00:50:28,775
[chuckles] Okay.
1196
00:50:28,859 --> 00:50:30,527
-[inhales]
-[scattered laughter]
1197
00:50:30,610 --> 00:50:32,320
No, we're havin' a good time though.
1198
00:50:32,404 --> 00:50:34,781
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-Thank you.
1199
00:50:38,243 --> 00:50:39,369
[applause subsides]
1200
00:50:39,453 --> 00:50:41,872
We want everybody to breathe, y'know?
1201
00:50:41,955 --> 00:50:43,457
[scattered laughter]
1202
00:50:43,540 --> 00:50:44,958
It is good.
1203
00:50:46,293 --> 00:50:49,046
My sister used to go to the hospital
all the time, y'know?
1204
00:50:49,129 --> 00:50:51,465
And, uh, we never got to travel
growin' up, y'know?
1205
00:50:51,548 --> 00:50:53,341
So, when you never get to go anywhere,
1206
00:50:53,425 --> 00:50:56,678
even going to the hospital
is like a trip, y'know?
1207
00:50:56,762 --> 00:51:00,182
So my sister would go to the hospital,
and I'd be like, "I wanna go too," y'know?
1208
00:51:00,682 --> 00:51:03,310
"I wanna get out of the trailer park
for a while," y'know?
1209
00:51:03,393 --> 00:51:05,270
"I wanna mingle with the city folks."
1210
00:51:05,353 --> 00:51:08,231
-[audience chuckles]
-[chuckles] Y'know what I mean?
1211
00:51:08,315 --> 00:51:11,234
So we'd go down there, and my mom
and sister would do hospital stuff.
1212
00:51:11,318 --> 00:51:14,071
And I was a kid. I'd just kinda
play around in the hospital, y'know?
1213
00:51:14,154 --> 00:51:18,116
Messin' with the rubber gloves,
blowing 'em up, makin' balloon animals.
1214
00:51:18,200 --> 00:51:20,619
Y'know? Mainly, the turkey
is the animal that…
1215
00:51:20,702 --> 00:51:21,870
[audience laughs]
1216
00:51:21,953 --> 00:51:23,747
…that I did the best.
1217
00:51:24,331 --> 00:51:28,210
[chuckles] Be a lotta turkeys
around that hospital floor.
1218
00:51:28,960 --> 00:51:30,087
Really in the way.
1219
00:51:30,170 --> 00:51:31,379
Doctors trippin'.
1220
00:51:32,464 --> 00:51:34,382
[chuckles] I loved it though.
1221
00:51:34,466 --> 00:51:36,343
My… my sister would be in a coma,
1222
00:51:36,426 --> 00:51:37,469
and, uh…
1223
00:51:37,552 --> 00:51:38,720
[audience laughs]
1224
00:51:38,804 --> 00:51:41,348
…I'm putting gloves on my hand,
blowin' it up.
1225
00:51:41,848 --> 00:51:43,141
My mom's cryin'.
1226
00:51:43,225 --> 00:51:45,143
I'm like, "Look how big my hand is!"
1227
00:51:45,227 --> 00:51:46,645
[audience laughs]
1228
00:51:49,397 --> 00:51:51,483
It's fun being a kid, you know?
1229
00:51:51,566 --> 00:51:54,653
Just oblivious to everything
goin' on out here.
1230
00:51:56,071 --> 00:51:59,199
I'm like, "She gonna eat all that Jell-O
or what, man?"
1231
00:51:59,282 --> 00:52:00,408
[audience laughs]
1232
00:52:01,493 --> 00:52:03,829
"Dang, she's been asleep a long time."
1233
00:52:04,955 --> 00:52:07,582
"To be honest with ya, I wouldn't mind
gettin' into that puddin'."
1234
00:52:07,666 --> 00:52:08,583
[audience laughs]
1235
00:52:08,667 --> 00:52:11,128
[chuckling] It's like,
"Dang, I'm awake!" Y'know?
1236
00:52:11,211 --> 00:52:12,546
[laughter continues]
1237
00:52:13,672 --> 00:52:14,673
Okay.
1238
00:52:14,756 --> 00:52:16,216
[audience chuckling]
1239
00:52:16,925 --> 00:52:20,345
My sister, she used to go to the hospital
all the time, not just for diabetes.
1240
00:52:20,428 --> 00:52:22,305
She was on a four-wheeler
with her boyfriend,
1241
00:52:22,389 --> 00:52:24,933
and they accidentally ran through
a barbed wire fence.
1242
00:52:25,016 --> 00:52:26,309
-And, uh…
-[audience groans]
1243
00:52:26,393 --> 00:52:27,894
Yeah, that's not a full joke, is it?
1244
00:52:27,978 --> 00:52:29,604
-That's, uh…
-[audience laughs]
1245
00:52:29,688 --> 00:52:31,857
[laughs] Okay, they did get pretty hurt.
1246
00:52:31,940 --> 00:52:34,234
-And, uh…
-[audience laughs]
1247
00:52:34,317 --> 00:52:35,944
Another time, my sister, my other sister,
1248
00:52:36,027 --> 00:52:38,155
threw a frozen candy bar,
hit my sister in the head.
1249
00:52:38,238 --> 00:52:39,990
She had to get ten stitches.
1250
00:52:40,574 --> 00:52:43,451
Candy was tryin' to kill her
every time she turned around.
1251
00:52:43,535 --> 00:52:45,412
[audience laughs and applauds]
1252
00:52:45,495 --> 00:52:47,956
-[Dusty chuckling]
-[audience cheering]
1253
00:52:50,000 --> 00:52:52,836
Uh… [chuckles] Okay. And, uh…
1254
00:52:53,336 --> 00:52:56,423
-[awkwardly] Okay. And, uh…
-[audience chuckling]
1255
00:52:57,924 --> 00:53:01,178
I've had a lotta car wrecks.
I've wrecked a lotta cars. [mumbles]
1256
00:53:01,261 --> 00:53:05,265
Been through a lotta cars.
I used to have a 1982 Buick LeSabre.
1257
00:53:05,348 --> 00:53:07,642
-[man] Whoo!
-Real big car, used a lotta gas.
1258
00:53:07,726 --> 00:53:10,228
It was a good car though.
I used to make this joke at work.
1259
00:53:10,312 --> 00:53:11,938
I'd be like, "That car uses so much gas,
1260
00:53:12,022 --> 00:53:14,357
I bet it's using gas right now
in the parking lot."
1261
00:53:15,108 --> 00:53:17,402
It's a great work joke.
People love that joke.
1262
00:53:17,485 --> 00:53:18,528
[audience laughs]
1263
00:53:18,612 --> 00:53:21,823
That joke crushes in a Home Depot
break room, I'll tell you that.
1264
00:53:21,907 --> 00:53:23,200
[audience laughs]
1265
00:53:25,076 --> 00:53:27,787
One guy didn't get it.
He goes, "Hell, you might have a leak."
1266
00:53:27,871 --> 00:53:29,497
[audience laughing]
1267
00:53:33,501 --> 00:53:35,754
I was like, "Nah, I don't think so, but…"
1268
00:53:36,254 --> 00:53:39,007
I did have a car that leaked
a lotta oil for a while, y'know?
1269
00:53:39,090 --> 00:53:40,842
And I like that in a car, y'know?
1270
00:53:41,343 --> 00:53:43,595
Like, you leak a little oil,
pour a little in there.
1271
00:53:43,678 --> 00:53:45,847
Leak a little oil, pour a little in there.
1272
00:53:45,931 --> 00:53:47,432
Never get an oil change.
1273
00:53:47,515 --> 00:53:48,808
[audience laughs]
1274
00:53:50,560 --> 00:53:53,188
People like, "When's the last time
you changed the oil on this car?"
1275
00:53:53,271 --> 00:53:55,148
I'm like, "It's changin' right now."
1276
00:53:55,232 --> 00:53:57,025
[audience laughing]
1277
00:54:00,654 --> 00:54:03,281
"All right?
This car is efficient here, buddy. Okay?"
1278
00:54:03,782 --> 00:54:07,202
I don't have to go down to Jiffy Lube
and get ripped off on an air filter.
1279
00:54:07,285 --> 00:54:08,578
[scattered laughter]
1280
00:54:09,746 --> 00:54:11,539
I love that.
You go to some oil-change place,
1281
00:54:11,623 --> 00:54:13,208
and they pull out this dirty air filter.
1282
00:54:13,291 --> 00:54:15,502
I'm like, "Put it back in there!"
1283
00:54:15,585 --> 00:54:16,878
[audience laughs]
1284
00:54:18,380 --> 00:54:22,008
You see 'em across the shop.
You're like, "Put it back in there!"
1285
00:54:23,009 --> 00:54:26,137
"Yeah, it's dirty.
It's workin', man. Okay?"
1286
00:54:26,638 --> 00:54:29,224
"Might wanna check that thing
for a hard hat, okay?"
1287
00:54:29,307 --> 00:54:30,433
[audience laughs]
1288
00:54:30,517 --> 00:54:32,852
-[cheering and applauding]
-[Dusty chuckles]
1289
00:54:34,020 --> 00:54:35,438
Okay.
1290
00:54:36,481 --> 00:54:38,400
-[breathes deeply]
-[applause subsides]
1291
00:54:38,483 --> 00:54:41,820
Before that car, I had a…
I had a 1999 Saturn.
1292
00:54:41,903 --> 00:54:44,447
Uh, four-door, dark blue, gray bumpers.
1293
00:54:44,531 --> 00:54:45,782
Real hot car.
1294
00:54:45,865 --> 00:54:47,659
-[audience chuckling]
-[woman] Whoo!
1295
00:54:47,742 --> 00:54:50,578
Stick shift, no power steering.
Real hard to drive.
1296
00:54:50,662 --> 00:54:51,871
[audience laughs]
1297
00:54:52,831 --> 00:54:55,500
Manual everything.
There wasn't a button in that car.
1298
00:54:55,583 --> 00:54:56,876
[audience laughs]
1299
00:54:58,753 --> 00:55:01,464
[chuckles] I flipped it.
I flipped that car.
1300
00:55:02,048 --> 00:55:03,300
I used to drink and drive a lot.
1301
00:55:03,383 --> 00:55:05,719
I'm not braggin' about it,
but I did used to do it a lot.
1302
00:55:05,802 --> 00:55:08,513
And, uh, flipped that car.
I think I did a full roll.
1303
00:55:08,596 --> 00:55:13,018
I don't know. I was blacked out.
But I… broke off both side mirrors.
1304
00:55:13,101 --> 00:55:15,270
So I think that's a full roll, when you…
1305
00:55:15,353 --> 00:55:17,314
-[audience laughs]
-[mumbles]
1306
00:55:17,397 --> 00:55:20,025
But I landed upside down
in some kinda swamp area.
1307
00:55:20,108 --> 00:55:22,986
And, uh, I was alone.
Nobody got hurt, y'know?
1308
00:55:23,069 --> 00:55:26,531
I crawled out the window,
I lost my glasses and my flip-flops.
1309
00:55:26,614 --> 00:55:28,408
-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]
1310
00:55:28,491 --> 00:55:30,577
I was a different guy back then, y'know?
1311
00:55:30,660 --> 00:55:31,953
[audience laughs]
1312
00:55:32,037 --> 00:55:34,414
I was livin' that salt life.
Y'know what I mean?
1313
00:55:34,497 --> 00:55:37,250
-[audience laughing and cheering]
-Thank you. Thank you.
1314
00:55:37,334 --> 00:55:38,710
-Yeah.
-[whooping]
1315
00:55:38,793 --> 00:55:39,794
[Dusty chuckles]
1316
00:55:39,878 --> 00:55:42,881
Messed around, had one too many margaritas
down at the crab shack.
1317
00:55:42,964 --> 00:55:44,466
-And, uh…
-[audience laughs]
1318
00:55:44,549 --> 00:55:47,302
[chuckling] …I lost control.
1319
00:55:47,969 --> 00:55:50,221
I'm standin' out in the middle
of the road. It's December.
1320
00:55:50,305 --> 00:55:53,641
I'm cold. I'm wet.
I got no shoes. I got no glasses.
1321
00:55:53,725 --> 00:55:56,186
And I'm like…
I'm about to walk home, y'know?
1322
00:55:56,269 --> 00:55:59,230
I didn't know if I'd get in trouble
for leavin' the scene of the accident,
1323
00:55:59,314 --> 00:56:01,524
but I knew I'd get in trouble if I stayed.
1324
00:56:01,608 --> 00:56:03,276
[audience laughs]
1325
00:56:05,070 --> 00:56:06,571
[chuckling]
1326
00:56:06,654 --> 00:56:09,199
I was like,
"We gotta get outta here, y'know?"
1327
00:56:10,283 --> 00:56:12,160
And this guy pulled up in a van,
1328
00:56:12,243 --> 00:56:14,162
and he goes, "Do you need a ride?"
1329
00:56:14,245 --> 00:56:15,705
And I was like, "Yes, I do."
1330
00:56:15,789 --> 00:56:16,790
[audience chuckles]
1331
00:56:16,873 --> 00:56:18,833
He's like, "Is that your car, upside down,
1332
00:56:18,917 --> 00:56:21,086
with the headlights
pointed at the woods like that?"
1333
00:56:21,169 --> 00:56:22,295
[audience chuckling]
1334
00:56:22,379 --> 00:56:24,923
[chuckles] I was like, "What's that?"
1335
00:56:25,006 --> 00:56:26,549
[audience laughs]
1336
00:56:29,260 --> 00:56:30,887
"Nah, that ain't my car, man."
1337
00:56:30,970 --> 00:56:33,431
"But that looks bad though.
Let's get outta here."
1338
00:56:33,515 --> 00:56:34,766
[audience laughs]
1339
00:56:34,849 --> 00:56:37,560
"We gotta get outta here right now.
Let's get outta here."
1340
00:56:39,104 --> 00:56:41,314
And this guy drove me home
in the middle of the night.
1341
00:56:41,398 --> 00:56:42,982
And I was so thankful for this guy.
1342
00:56:43,066 --> 00:56:45,944
I was like, "I can't believe this guy
just gave me a ride home like that."
1343
00:56:46,027 --> 00:56:49,406
I wanted to tip him, y'know,
like he was some sort of Uber driver.
1344
00:56:49,906 --> 00:56:52,617
So I just reached in my pocket,
I grabbed whatever money was in there,
1345
00:56:52,700 --> 00:56:55,453
handed it to the guy,
and then I went inside and went to sleep.
1346
00:56:55,537 --> 00:56:57,622
Next morning, I woke up,
checked my pocket,
1347
00:56:57,705 --> 00:56:59,249
all my money was still there.
1348
00:56:59,332 --> 00:57:02,419
So I guess I just gave this guy,
like, a lotta receipts.
1349
00:57:02,502 --> 00:57:03,795
[audience laughs]
1350
00:57:04,879 --> 00:57:06,172
[man] Whoo!
1351
00:57:06,256 --> 00:57:08,133
This guy's flippin' through bar tabs.
1352
00:57:08,216 --> 00:57:11,052
He's like, "I'm starting to think
it was that guy's car."
1353
00:57:11,136 --> 00:57:13,054
[laughter and applause]
1354
00:57:13,138 --> 00:57:15,515
-[chuckles] Know what I mean?
-[audience cheers]
1355
00:57:15,598 --> 00:57:16,516
Okay.
1356
00:57:16,599 --> 00:57:18,476
[audience whooping]
1357
00:57:18,560 --> 00:57:19,477
Can you imagine that?
1358
00:57:19,561 --> 00:57:22,188
You give a guy a ride home
in the middle of the night like that,
1359
00:57:22,272 --> 00:57:23,648
do a nice thing, get to his house,
1360
00:57:23,731 --> 00:57:27,569
and he goes,
"Here, take this trash for me too, buddy."
1361
00:57:28,194 --> 00:57:31,656
"Yeah, appreciate the ride.
Throw this out though on the way home."
1362
00:57:32,740 --> 00:57:35,577
"Yeah, I got a big day tomorrow.
I got a lot goin' on."
1363
00:57:36,578 --> 00:57:39,956
"Yeah, I got a big day.
Tryin' to get my life together tomorrow."
1364
00:57:40,540 --> 00:57:43,126
"Yeah, I gotta call my insurance company."
1365
00:57:44,169 --> 00:57:46,421
"I got a lotta lying to do tomorrow."
1366
00:57:46,504 --> 00:57:48,339
[audience laughing]
1367
00:57:48,423 --> 00:57:49,424
[chuckles]
1368
00:57:50,675 --> 00:57:52,635
I've wrecked every car I've ever owned,
1369
00:57:52,719 --> 00:57:55,138
uh, to some degree, y'know?
1370
00:57:55,221 --> 00:57:58,141
Uh, not totaled every car,
but I've wrecked every one of 'em.
1371
00:57:58,224 --> 00:58:00,810
And sometimes,
I just destroy the inside of a car.
1372
00:58:01,895 --> 00:58:05,106
I've gotten food poison… I used to get
food poisoning a lot back in the day.
1373
00:58:05,190 --> 00:58:07,275
You ever gotten food poisoning in the car?
1374
00:58:07,775 --> 00:58:09,486
No? Maybe that's not
the right way to ask it.
1375
00:58:09,569 --> 00:58:11,988
-[audience chuckling]
-Let me ask it like this.
1376
00:58:12,071 --> 00:58:15,700
You ever, uh… you ever thrown up
on the inside of your own windshield?
1377
00:58:15,783 --> 00:58:17,744
[audience laughs and groans]
1378
00:58:17,827 --> 00:58:18,912
[Dusty chuckles]
1379
00:58:19,829 --> 00:58:22,582
I don't mean hit the dash
and work its way to the windshield.
1380
00:58:22,665 --> 00:58:26,544
I mean, windshield first,
splashin' back on the knuckles.
1381
00:58:26,628 --> 00:58:28,421
-Y'know what I mean?
-[audience laughs]
1382
00:58:28,505 --> 00:58:30,507
[Dusty chuckling]
1383
00:58:31,424 --> 00:58:34,427
Okay. It's goin' down
in the vents up there.
1384
00:58:34,511 --> 00:58:36,596
[audience laughs and groans]
1385
00:58:36,679 --> 00:58:38,306
[chuckles]
1386
00:58:38,389 --> 00:58:41,518
I never could defrost well after that,
y'know what I mean?
1387
00:58:41,601 --> 00:58:42,977
[scattered laughter]
1388
00:58:43,061 --> 00:58:45,021
[blows] You know what I mean.
1389
00:58:46,189 --> 00:58:47,357
Okay.
1390
00:58:48,024 --> 00:58:50,109
I was feeling sick that day, y'know?
1391
00:58:50,610 --> 00:58:52,862
Not real sick.
Like, I wasn't really nauseous.
1392
00:58:52,946 --> 00:58:55,657
I just had a lotta sharp,
stabbin' pains in my stomach.
1393
00:58:55,740 --> 00:58:57,200
[scattered laughter]
1394
00:58:57,283 --> 00:58:59,285
I just kept thinkin',
"Y'know, I just need to…"
1395
00:58:59,369 --> 00:59:02,455
Well, my stomach…
my stomach was real hard, y'know?
1396
00:59:02,539 --> 00:59:04,332
Hard in a way
I'd like it to be all the time,
1397
00:59:04,415 --> 00:59:07,961
but… a lot more swollen than I would like.
1398
00:59:08,795 --> 00:59:11,172
And I just kept thinking,
y'know, "I just need to burp."
1399
00:59:11,256 --> 00:59:15,677
"If I could just burp,
I would really feel a lot better, y'know?"
1400
00:59:15,760 --> 00:59:18,012
I don't like the word "burp."
I know that's a gross word.
1401
00:59:18,096 --> 00:59:19,097
I hate the word "burp."
1402
00:59:19,180 --> 00:59:21,015
I wish there were a better word, y'know?
1403
00:59:21,099 --> 00:59:23,017
Some people will say "belch."
1404
00:59:23,101 --> 00:59:24,686
[audience laughing]
1405
00:59:24,769 --> 00:59:27,105
I'm like, "Nah, that's a worse word for…"
1406
00:59:27,188 --> 00:59:28,648
[laughter continues]
1407
00:59:28,731 --> 00:59:29,941
That's what the doctor says.
1408
00:59:30,024 --> 00:59:32,944
I went to the doctor.
They were like, "You been belchin' a lot?"
1409
00:59:33,903 --> 00:59:37,198
Pff, I'm like, "Honestly, I don't even
drink grape juice, y'know what I mean?"
1410
00:59:37,699 --> 00:59:39,325
Okay, that's a good joke though.
1411
00:59:39,409 --> 00:59:41,619
-[audience laughs and applauds]
-Ha-ha!
1412
00:59:43,329 --> 00:59:46,040
-No, it is a good joke though.
-[scattered chuckling]
1413
00:59:46,124 --> 00:59:48,293
I just needed to burp.
I was like, "I just need to burp."
1414
00:59:48,376 --> 00:59:52,463
So I stopped, and I got myself a Sprite,
and, uh, I get back in the car.
1415
00:59:52,547 --> 00:59:55,341
I'm drivin' down the road,
drinkin' the thirst quencher…
1416
00:59:55,842 --> 00:59:58,511
[chuckles] …and my stomach
starts to rumble a bit,
1417
00:59:58,595 --> 01:00:00,763
and I go, "Okay, here we go," y'know?
1418
01:00:00,847 --> 01:00:03,600
I'm gettin' excited about it,
'cause I know a burp's comin'.
1419
01:00:03,683 --> 01:00:07,353
And a burp is all I need to get me back
to where I need to be, y'know?
1420
01:00:07,937 --> 01:00:11,274
I'm startin' to prepare some kinda
post-burp celebration, y'know?
1421
01:00:11,357 --> 01:00:12,609
[scattered laughter]
1422
01:00:12,692 --> 01:00:14,193
I'm excited about it.
1423
01:00:14,694 --> 01:00:16,404
And finally, the burp comes.
1424
01:00:16,904 --> 01:00:19,574
And it was so much more than a burp.
1425
01:00:20,158 --> 01:00:23,745
I never saw it coming.
It came out like a pressure washer. Right?
1426
01:00:24,287 --> 01:00:26,164
I thought I'd cracked the windshield.
1427
01:00:26,247 --> 01:00:27,457
[audience laughs]
1428
01:00:27,540 --> 01:00:29,375
I was just happy
I had a headrest that day.
1429
01:00:29,459 --> 01:00:31,669
I mighta snapped my neck in that car.
1430
01:00:31,753 --> 01:00:33,254
[audience laughing]
1431
01:00:35,006 --> 01:00:36,466
[scattered whooping]
1432
01:00:36,549 --> 01:00:40,011
[chuckles] It was just sheer power, man.
1433
01:00:40,595 --> 01:00:42,388
I never seen anything like it.
1434
01:00:42,889 --> 01:00:44,557
Not up until that point or after.
1435
01:00:44,641 --> 01:00:48,603
It was… just an anomaly of an experience.
1436
01:00:48,686 --> 01:00:50,396
It was so wild!
1437
01:00:50,897 --> 01:00:53,274
-I was on the interstate that day.
-[shocked laughter]
1438
01:00:53,358 --> 01:00:56,277
Yeah. But I was in standstill traffic.
1439
01:00:57,278 --> 01:00:58,321
Cars all around me.
1440
01:00:58,404 --> 01:00:59,781
Middle of the day. Hot day.
1441
01:00:59,864 --> 01:01:01,324
Wet heat. Y'know what I mean?
1442
01:01:01,407 --> 01:01:02,950
-[audience laughs]
-[man] Whoo!
1443
01:01:03,034 --> 01:01:04,994
[audience whooping]
1444
01:01:05,078 --> 01:01:06,788
[Dusty chuckles]
1445
01:01:07,664 --> 01:01:10,083
I was somewhere in between
Wilmington, North Carolina
1446
01:01:10,166 --> 01:01:11,793
and Shallotte, North Carolina.
1447
01:01:11,876 --> 01:01:14,462
And, uh, I like to let people know
where I was at
1448
01:01:14,962 --> 01:01:17,048
'cause I've been lookin' for somebody
1449
01:01:17,131 --> 01:01:19,550
that might have been
on the interstate that day…
1450
01:01:19,634 --> 01:01:21,052
[audience laughs]
1451
01:01:21,135 --> 01:01:22,804
…and saw what happened.
1452
01:01:23,304 --> 01:01:25,640
I'm looking for a witness.
Y'know what I mean?
1453
01:01:25,723 --> 01:01:27,725
Like, I know what it looked like to me.
1454
01:01:27,809 --> 01:01:29,227
[audience chuckling]
1455
01:01:29,310 --> 01:01:31,771
I wanna know what it looked like
to other people.
1456
01:01:31,854 --> 01:01:33,147
[audience laughing]
1457
01:01:34,023 --> 01:01:36,192
I wanna know what they saw that day.
1458
01:01:37,110 --> 01:01:38,653
How'd it make 'em feel?
1459
01:01:39,779 --> 01:01:41,864
What'd it make 'em think about, y'know?
1460
01:01:43,533 --> 01:01:46,035
I like to think it was somebody
havin' a rough day.
1461
01:01:46,119 --> 01:01:47,328
[scattered laughter]
1462
01:01:47,412 --> 01:01:48,454
Some… [chuckles]
1463
01:01:48,538 --> 01:01:50,832
Just some guy
just sittin' out there in his car,
1464
01:01:50,915 --> 01:01:53,126
stuck in five o'clock traffic again.
1465
01:01:53,209 --> 01:01:54,961
He's like, "Ugh!"
1466
01:01:55,044 --> 01:01:57,213
He's like, "I hate my job."
1467
01:01:57,296 --> 01:01:58,756
"I hate my car."
1468
01:01:58,840 --> 01:02:01,926
"I'm about to go home. I hate my house."
1469
01:02:02,009 --> 01:02:03,594
"I hate my family."
1470
01:02:03,678 --> 01:02:04,762
[audience chuckling]
1471
01:02:04,846 --> 01:02:07,515
He's like, "My life sucks, man."
1472
01:02:08,015 --> 01:02:09,475
And then he looks over…
1473
01:02:09,559 --> 01:02:10,893
[audience laughs]
1474
01:02:11,853 --> 01:02:14,021
[chuckles] He looks over,
1475
01:02:14,105 --> 01:02:16,774
and I'm throwing up in my own windshield?
1476
01:02:16,858 --> 01:02:19,527
-[laughter continues]
-[man] Whoo!
1477
01:02:19,610 --> 01:02:23,322
[chuckles] And he's like,
"Well, it's not that bad."
1478
01:02:23,406 --> 01:02:25,116
[audience laughing and whooping]
1479
01:02:25,199 --> 01:02:26,200
[Dusty chuckles]
1480
01:02:26,868 --> 01:02:29,036
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-Right.
1481
01:02:29,120 --> 01:02:31,539
Okay. Thank you. Thank you.
1482
01:02:32,915 --> 01:02:34,917
[woman] Whoo-whoo!
1483
01:02:35,001 --> 01:02:38,379
He's like, "Sure, there are some things
I'd like to change, y'know…"
1484
01:02:38,463 --> 01:02:39,338
[audience laughs]
1485
01:02:39,422 --> 01:02:42,633
"…but I'm not throwin' up
in my own windshield
1486
01:02:43,342 --> 01:02:45,720
like some kinda loser out here."
1487
01:02:45,803 --> 01:02:47,180
[scattered laughter]
1488
01:02:47,263 --> 01:02:49,932
I like to think
I changed his life that day, y'know?
1489
01:02:50,808 --> 01:02:53,060
Wasn't over for me though. I had to…
1490
01:02:53,144 --> 01:02:56,314
I had to pull off to the side of the road.
I kept throwin' up.
1491
01:02:57,148 --> 01:02:59,567
[chuckles] Nobody stopped to help.
1492
01:02:59,650 --> 01:03:01,235
[audience laughs]
1493
01:03:01,319 --> 01:03:03,237
Who would though, y'know?
1494
01:03:03,863 --> 01:03:07,575
I'll help a stranger change a tire,
but if you're throwin' up like that,
1495
01:03:08,075 --> 01:03:11,704
you could be a friend and I'm rollin' up
the windows, lockin' the doors.
1496
01:03:11,788 --> 01:03:12,872
[audience laughing]
1497
01:03:12,955 --> 01:03:16,083
[chuckles] I'm like, "I don't think so.
You handle that on your own. I'm not…"
1498
01:03:16,709 --> 01:03:18,961
"I'm not getting that on me, y'know?"
1499
01:03:19,796 --> 01:03:23,925
I wasn't ready for it. Nobody is, y'know?
I wasn't go… I wasn't… [chuckles]
1500
01:03:24,008 --> 01:03:25,885
[audience laughing]
1501
01:03:25,968 --> 01:03:27,970
I wasn't going to the beach
that day, y'know?
1502
01:03:28,054 --> 01:03:30,973
I didn't have
a lotta extra towels in the car.
1503
01:03:31,766 --> 01:03:33,643
I had four Burger King napkins.
1504
01:03:33,726 --> 01:03:35,394
[audience laughs]
1505
01:03:36,979 --> 01:03:38,356
[chuckles] Yeah.
1506
01:03:38,439 --> 01:03:41,150
Had to use two of those
to wipe my own mustache.
1507
01:03:41,234 --> 01:03:42,819
[audience laughing]
1508
01:03:46,322 --> 01:03:48,908
-The smell never goes away.
-[audience groans]
1509
01:03:48,991 --> 01:03:52,620
I know that's gross,
but… the smell never goes away.
1510
01:03:52,703 --> 01:03:55,331
I gave somebody a ride
the next day in that car.
1511
01:03:55,414 --> 01:03:57,708
-[audience groans]
-[chuckles] I know.
1512
01:03:57,792 --> 01:04:00,878
I was like, "Listen, I'll give you a ride,
but you'll wish you walked,
1513
01:04:00,962 --> 01:04:01,963
I'll tell you that."
1514
01:04:02,046 --> 01:04:03,714
[audience laughs]
1515
01:04:03,798 --> 01:04:07,260
But he was like,
"I just need to pawn a couple of DVDs!"
1516
01:04:07,343 --> 01:04:09,303
[audience laughs and applauds]
1517
01:04:09,387 --> 01:04:12,014
-[audience cheering]
-[Dusty chuckling]
1518
01:04:15,601 --> 01:04:17,770
-[applause subsides]
-"It's not a big deal."
1519
01:04:17,854 --> 01:04:19,188
No, the smell never goes away.
1520
01:04:19,272 --> 01:04:21,732
I gave somebody a ride
a couple of years later.
1521
01:04:22,400 --> 01:04:25,403
-They go, "D'you just throw up in here?"
-[audience laughs]
1522
01:04:25,987 --> 01:04:28,614
[chuckles] I go,
"No, it was years ago, but, uh,
1523
01:04:29,365 --> 01:04:31,450
seems like it was yesterday, doesn't it?"
1524
01:04:33,327 --> 01:04:35,997
I traded that car in.
They drove it off a cliff.
1525
01:04:36,080 --> 01:04:37,415
[audience laughs]
1526
01:04:38,124 --> 01:04:40,334
Right there in front of me.
They're like, "Don't ever…
1527
01:04:40,418 --> 01:04:42,795
don't ever bring a car
like this in here again."
1528
01:04:43,838 --> 01:04:46,382
"We'll take this one,
but don't you do it again."
1529
01:04:47,300 --> 01:04:49,802
"We don't even want that car on the lot."
1530
01:04:49,886 --> 01:04:51,804
[scattered laughter]
1531
01:04:51,888 --> 01:04:52,889
[chuckles]
1532
01:04:53,639 --> 01:04:56,434
"One test-drive
ruined our reputation here."
1533
01:04:57,184 --> 01:04:58,436
Nah, that's gross though.
1534
01:04:58,519 --> 01:05:00,980
I don't like to do
a lotta gross jokes like that, y'know?
1535
01:05:01,063 --> 01:05:03,900
I'm not into a lotta throw-up jokes.
That's not my thing.
1536
01:05:03,983 --> 01:05:06,485
I don't like a lotta gross…
I don't like a lotta throw-up jokes.
1537
01:05:06,569 --> 01:05:10,406
I don't like a lotta fart jokes.
I'm not into that sort of stuff, y'know?
1538
01:05:10,489 --> 01:05:14,118
I know a lotta guys that are kinda like
fart in your area, y'know?
1539
01:05:14,201 --> 01:05:16,662
And that's a big joke to them.
It's very funny.
1540
01:05:17,163 --> 01:05:18,748
That's not my kinda joke, y'know?
1541
01:05:18,831 --> 01:05:21,083
If I gotta fart,
I try to go off to the side.
1542
01:05:21,834 --> 01:05:24,170
I try to be very discreet
about it, y'know?
1543
01:05:24,670 --> 01:05:27,924
But it feels like
no matter where I go to let one out,
1544
01:05:28,424 --> 01:05:29,592
somebody pops up.
1545
01:05:29,675 --> 01:05:31,093
[audience laughs]
1546
01:05:32,094 --> 01:05:35,056
I could go into a closet to let out a few,
1547
01:05:35,681 --> 01:05:36,766
somebody will pop up.
1548
01:05:36,849 --> 01:05:38,726
"Hey, dude, what's goin' on in here?"
1549
01:05:38,809 --> 01:05:40,269
[laughter continues]
1550
01:05:40,353 --> 01:05:42,396
"You fartin' in here or what, man?"
1551
01:05:43,940 --> 01:05:46,108
"You should get back out
to the party, y'know?"
1552
01:05:46,984 --> 01:05:48,986
"Instead of fartin' in here all night."
1553
01:05:49,946 --> 01:05:52,531
"Blowin' up all the coats, y'know?"
1554
01:05:52,615 --> 01:05:54,617
[laughter continues, subsides]
1555
01:05:56,494 --> 01:05:59,163
"You're not supposed to be
breathin' that in, y'know?"
1556
01:05:59,872 --> 01:06:02,249
"That's why you're gettin'
all dizzy like that."
1557
01:06:02,333 --> 01:06:03,834
[audience laughs]
1558
01:06:03,918 --> 01:06:04,877
[Dusty chuckles]
1559
01:06:04,961 --> 01:06:06,253
[scattered laughter]
1560
01:06:06,337 --> 01:06:08,506
If I fart and somebody walks up to me,
1561
01:06:08,589 --> 01:06:10,758
I just go ahead
and let 'em know what happened.
1562
01:06:10,841 --> 01:06:12,051
[audience laughs]
1563
01:06:12,134 --> 01:06:15,388
I go, "Hey, I just want you to know,
I just farted here, okay?"
1564
01:06:16,514 --> 01:06:17,515
[chuckles]
1565
01:06:18,641 --> 01:06:20,977
'Cause I would rather
you know that I farted
1566
01:06:21,060 --> 01:06:24,605
than leave the conversation
thinkin' I smell like farts.
1567
01:06:24,689 --> 01:06:26,357
[audience laughing]
1568
01:06:26,440 --> 01:06:27,400
[man] Whoo!
1569
01:06:28,109 --> 01:06:29,986
-[Dusty chuckles]
-[man whooping]
1570
01:06:30,069 --> 01:06:32,321
"I want you to know
somethin' went down here."
1571
01:06:32,405 --> 01:06:33,781
Y'know what I mean?
1572
01:06:33,864 --> 01:06:35,074
[chuckles]
1573
01:06:35,157 --> 01:06:37,660
"Like, if you'd showed up
about 30 seconds earlier,
1574
01:06:37,743 --> 01:06:39,120
it wouldn't be like this."
1575
01:06:39,203 --> 01:06:40,329
[audience laughs]
1576
01:06:40,413 --> 01:06:42,832
"Or a couple of minutes later,
it'd be clear, y'know?"
1577
01:06:42,915 --> 01:06:45,710
"But you happened to come
right when a thing happened."
1578
01:06:45,793 --> 01:06:47,086
[audience chuckling]
1579
01:06:48,004 --> 01:06:51,007
"I don't want you thinkin'
I smell like this all the time."
1580
01:06:52,967 --> 01:06:55,386
I don't know why
I keep farting in elevators.
1581
01:06:55,469 --> 01:06:56,762
[audience laughing]
1582
01:06:56,846 --> 01:06:58,639
I don't want to, y'know?
1583
01:06:58,723 --> 01:07:00,474
I'm not lookin' to do it.
1584
01:07:00,558 --> 01:07:03,602
I stay in a lotta hotels,
and I got these long, empty hallways,
1585
01:07:03,686 --> 01:07:05,896
practically abandoned hallways,
I can walk down.
1586
01:07:05,980 --> 01:07:07,732
I can do whatever I want in there.
1587
01:07:07,815 --> 01:07:10,818
Some of these hotels are so bad
I could start a small fire in there
1588
01:07:10,901 --> 01:07:13,362
and nobody would know, y'know?
1589
01:07:13,863 --> 01:07:15,740
But somehow, I get to that elevator
1590
01:07:15,823 --> 01:07:18,743
and my body's like,
"Nah, this is where it's gonna happen."
1591
01:07:18,826 --> 01:07:19,827
[audience laughs]
1592
01:07:19,910 --> 01:07:22,413
"Yeah, you got your own
little private area here."
1593
01:07:22,913 --> 01:07:25,791
"This is where it's gonna happen."
[chuckles]
1594
01:07:25,875 --> 01:07:28,502
I did it in an elevator in Vegas one time.
1595
01:07:29,003 --> 01:07:31,172
I got on the elevator on the 30th floor.
1596
01:07:31,672 --> 01:07:33,382
I was all alone in there.
1597
01:07:33,466 --> 01:07:35,634
Passed a little gas, y'know?
1598
01:07:35,718 --> 01:07:38,929
Not a big deal,
but you could smell it though, y'know?
1599
01:07:39,013 --> 01:07:41,307
[scattered laughter]
1600
01:07:41,390 --> 01:07:45,269
I dropped down one floor, to floor 29,
and the doors open up.
1601
01:07:45,352 --> 01:07:47,938
Two of the most attractive women
I've ever seen in my life…
1602
01:07:48,022 --> 01:07:49,648
-[audience laughing]
-[man] Whoo!
1603
01:07:49,732 --> 01:07:51,776
…were standin' there waitin' to get in.
1604
01:07:52,359 --> 01:07:53,652
I just got out.
1605
01:07:53,736 --> 01:07:55,196
[audience laughs]
1606
01:07:56,197 --> 01:07:57,198
[Dusty chuckles]
1607
01:07:59,867 --> 01:08:02,661
I was like,
"Nah, I got business on floor 29."
1608
01:08:03,454 --> 01:08:04,455
I'm like, "This 29?"
1609
01:08:04,538 --> 01:08:07,166
"Yeah, couldn't find the stairs,
but I'm lookin' for 29."
1610
01:08:07,666 --> 01:08:10,127
"This is 29? Yeah, I'm looking for 29."
1611
01:08:10,211 --> 01:08:11,962
Like, they'll know it's me, right?
1612
01:08:12,046 --> 01:08:14,673
But I'm not gonna ride 29 floors with ya,
1613
01:08:15,758 --> 01:08:17,760
hangin' my head in shame.
1614
01:08:17,843 --> 01:08:19,386
[audience laughing]
1615
01:08:20,304 --> 01:08:23,557
I just feel bad for them
when they get down to floor 28
1616
01:08:24,517 --> 01:08:26,435
and the doors open again.
1617
01:08:27,436 --> 01:08:29,105
Now they gotta get out.
1618
01:08:29,188 --> 01:08:30,731
[audience laughs]
1619
01:08:31,482 --> 01:08:32,483
[man whoops]
1620
01:08:32,566 --> 01:08:34,902
I get back in on 29…
1621
01:08:34,985 --> 01:08:36,946
[scattered laughter]
1622
01:08:37,029 --> 01:08:38,948
…pick them up on 28…
1623
01:08:39,031 --> 01:08:40,282
[audience laughs]
1624
01:08:40,366 --> 01:08:43,828
[chuckles] I'm like,
"Ah, it's a pretty good elevator, huh?"
1625
01:08:43,911 --> 01:08:45,162
[laughter continues]
1626
01:08:45,246 --> 01:08:47,665
-"What brand is this?"
-[laughter rises]
1627
01:08:47,748 --> 01:08:49,667
All right. Hey, thank you very much, guys.
1628
01:08:49,750 --> 01:08:51,627
-[raucous cheering]
-I appreciate ya.
1629
01:08:51,710 --> 01:08:53,129
You guys were great.
1630
01:08:53,629 --> 01:08:54,630
Thank you.
1631
01:08:55,422 --> 01:08:56,465
Thank you.
1632
01:08:56,549 --> 01:08:57,883
[slow country music playing]
1633
01:08:57,967 --> 01:08:59,635
[scattered whistling]
1634
01:08:59,718 --> 01:09:02,263
-[Dusty chatters inaudibly]
-[cheering continues]
1635
01:09:10,229 --> 01:09:11,647
[applause subsiding]
1636
01:09:12,606 --> 01:09:13,983
[country music continues]
1637
01:09:57,943 --> 01:09:59,612
Mary Jane was climbin' a tree one day,
1638
01:09:59,695 --> 01:10:02,448
and this boy ran up,
just looking up her dress.
1639
01:10:02,531 --> 01:10:04,575
And Mary Jane's mother said,
1640
01:10:04,658 --> 01:10:07,661
"Mary Jane, get down that tree.
That boy's lookin' at your panties."
1641
01:10:07,745 --> 01:10:10,664
Mary Jane just laughs and laughs.
She knew she didn't have no panties on.