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HE GASPS
He's been!
HE LAUGHS
DOOR OPENS
# O Christmas tree O Christmas tree
# Thy leaves are so unchanging
# O Christmas tree O Christmas tree
# Thy leaves are so unchanging
# How often has the Christmas tree
# Afforded me the greatest glee
# O Christmas tree O Christmas tree
# Much pleasure thou can'st give me... #
# Feliz Navidad
# Te deseamos a ti... #
You have to tell him.
You do.
This is the year.
BEEPING
# Ho-ho-ho! Who wouldn't go?
# Up on the housetop, click, click, click
# Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick!
# First comes the stocking of little Nell
# Oh, dear Santa, fill it well
# Give her a dolly that laughs and cries
# One that will open and shut her eyes
# Ho-ho-ho... # DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
Kung pao chicken.
CHOPSTICKS CLATTER ON PLATE
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT Chris...
..you're at an age now where, as a parent,
it's my job to...to tell you certain facts
that you might not want to hear.
Dad, relax. We've done this all in school.
You have? Yeah.
Last year. Oh!
Oh!
THEY LAUGH
Oh! That is a weight off, I can't tell ya.
Oh, your face!
Don't think I've ever heard you say sperm.
What?!
Oh, God, are you going to teach me to put on a contraception?
God, no. Chris! No. That's...
That's not what this is about.
It's about Father Christmas.
What do you mean?
Is he all right? Did something happen?
Yeah... Well, no, I mean...
Remember the snow on the roof on Christmas morning?
And, um... And the sleigh tracks?
And the soot in the grate?
And the presents under the tree? Well...
That was all me.
I did that.
You're Father Christmas?
You bring joy and happiness
to billions of children all over the world?
No, that's not what I mean.
Dad, I'm not being funny,
but I really can't see you getting down our chimney,
let alone back up it.
I've seen you on the monkey bars.
Chris, we had the chimney sealed off before you were born,
when we had the gas fire put in.
What about the carrots?
And-and the single malt?
I suppose that was all you as well, was it?
Yes. Obviously.
Look, I'm sorry, Chris, but...
..he isn't real.
Father Christmas doesn't exist.
I mean, think about it - a billion children all over the world!
I mean, it is physically impossible
to deliver that many presents in a single night.
You would say that. You work for the Royal Mail.
He probably uses different...software.
And what software makes a reindeer fly at warp speed
and lights up his hooter?
Nothing that's commercially available, but...
And how does a man of that girth fit down a chimney?
Even if you haven't even got one.
And to never be seen!
Look, I'm sorry, Chris.
I know this time of year is special to you.
But you're old enough now to know the truth.
You'd be able to explain it, wouldn't you,
if you were here?
But you're not.
You're probably at Lord's.
Or in Norfolk.
Or a book library.
Oof...
What's this?
Egg banjo?
I've...had a little time to think about what you said.
Er...and I get it.
I do. It's been a rough year.
Seriously, one for the ages.
And it's not like there isn't stiff competition.
Professionally, you were laid off,
and then fired, then you became a postman,
to be demoted almost immediately to the sorting office.
Medically, although it wasn't proved serious in the end,
you had to undergo
a number of...probes
that people tended to laugh at rather than feel sorry for you for.
It was during this health scare
that you lost your place on the pub darts team
to a man who was almost double your age.
He was so talented.
And it's... It's hard to see a way back.
Romantically, I'm sorry,
but it's been a complete and utter disaster.
Ms Bailey, who lives almost opposite,
who you like, and I like,
even though she teaches me double science,
she asked you on a date back in April,
and you still haven't called her back.
Sorry to interrupt, but is there a point to all this,
or are you just trying to boost morale?
Yeah, yeah, there is.
And the point is that it's only natural,
after the year you've had,
to lose a little bit of that-that Christmas feeling.
Oh, Chris, come on, please.
To become jaded and cynical.
Oh, not this again.
Dad, you're wrong.
I love you, but you're wrong.
Father Christmas is real and I'm going to prove it to you.
Morning, Chris. Morning, Miss.
Pat, what do I do with this one, mate?
Ho-ho-ho! Follow me!
I'll let you into a little secret.
In there.
SHREDDER WHIRRS
Don't worry, you get used to it.
What happens to all the shredded paper?
It's put in the back of a blue lorry and then...no-one knows.
To be fair, we live in such a cynical age,
I'm surprised anyone still writes to Father Christmas.
My boy does.
I thought you said he was 16 and doing his GCSEs?
He is.
BEEPING
TV: Cryptozoology is essentially the study of
creatures that are said to exist
but are unproven, undocumented by science.
The creatures that are studied are called cryptids and...
KNOCKING
..Loch Ness Monster, Chupacabra, things like that.
And within cryptozoology, it just doesn't get any bigger
than Big Foot, because of all cryptids out there,
Big Foot has the most sighting. Sightings by very credible people...
KNOCKING
Holly! It's me, Chris!
Oh, OK. Good, yeah. I thought so.
LOCKS RATTLE
And another.
LOCKS RATTLE AND CLICK
Wait. And one more. LOCKS RATTLE
And open sesame.
I need a favour.
BEEPING
Sorry, love, I'm on break, all right?
BABY CRIES
Look, I'm like a long-distance lorry driver.
I have to take a break every 45 minutes
every four and a half hours. Sorry, it's regulations!
Merry Christmas. Oh, God.
No, no, no, no, no. You are banned, OK?
No, I told you last year that was the last year.
You're too old for this now, mate.
I just want to ask you a question.
What's the mic for?
I don't do podcasts.
I've got my reputation to think about.
Yep, Chris wants to prove to his dad that Father Christmas is real.
Oh, my God.
How many times do I have to tell you, mate?
I'm not Father Christmas, OK? This beard isn't real.
And...
..I'm a Muslim.
OK, but what about the paunch?
Yeah, the paunch is real.
Obviously, I know you're not Father Christmas.
I'm not stupid.
It's only, what, seven more sleeps until the big day.
He's not going to be here, is he? This is crunch time.
He's got more important things to be doing.
What do you want to ask me?
Last year, when I was here,
I overheard you talking to one of the single mums,
who was really impressed about how you knew Stephen Fry.
Ah! You know Stephen Fry?
Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't say he's a close friend. But, yeah.
No, that is literally what you said.
Yeah, he's more of a close friend of, like, a casual acquaintance.
But what's that got to do with anything?
Stephen Fry is like God to my dad.
He will listen to anything he says.
I mean, he won't necessarily understand it, but he will listen.
So the best way to prove to my dad that Father Christmas is real
is to have Stephen Fry say that he is.
I just need you to introduce us.
Right, I'm going to level with you, OK?
Honestly - honestly - I don't really know him that well.
Mm. Yeah, I feel like you don't know him at all. No. No.
Although I did bump into him in a Sainsbury's car park.
Shut up. What was he like?
He is so-o-o nice.
Like, and it was my fault, cos I was reversing,
didn't realise it was in first gear,
bumped into him. "Oh, my God, Stephen Fry."
Sorry, you bumped into him in a car?
Yeah.
Did you swap details?
Well, no. I think he's married, isn't he?
Insurance details.
Insurance details. Right! He didn't have his details on him,
so he wrote his name and address down
and then he put them into my phone.
Got it in my phone.
BEEPING
PHONE RINGS
Hello?
Oh, Mr Massey?
Yep?
It's Georgina Bailey.
From the school.
And the house almost opposite.
Georgina, hi. I'm so glad you've called.
Um, I've been meaning to call you back...
Oh, Nick...
No, honestly, I have. It's just been a really hectic couple of...
..eight months.
Yeah, that's not...that's not the reason that I'm calling.
Oh? It's Chris. He didn't come into school today.
I wouldn't have called.
It's just that I saw him when I left for school this morning
and it looked like he was on the way in.
I know it's the last day of term...
Yeah, no, thank you.
It's good to know that you're really on it over there.
No, um...he actually had a doctor's appointment today
and that's why he couldn't make it in.
Yeah, it's nothing serious. He's just got rash on his...
It's OK, I don't need to know the details.
BEEPING
OK, listener, so we are currently outside A house
of Stephen Fry in a yellow van.
PHONE RINGS
Don't answer it. I'm not going to.
In fact... What?
Sorry, what are you doing?
This way, he can't track you.
No, don't...
SHE SWALLOWS NOISILY
That is really annoying.
Not to mention, so irresponsible.
This is why they tell you to back everything up.
In case a stray lunatic decides to literally eat your data?
I've seen it happen.
Anyway, thanks to me, your dad doesn't have a clue where we are.
KNOCKING
Oh!
Oh, hello, Uncle Nicholas.
I might have known you'd have something to do with this.
What even is this?
Wait, sorry, can you do that one more time?
I'm just... I forgot to click record.
Don't tell me you bunked off school to do a podcast.
Is that...?
What? I don't... I don't see anything.
Who? Who can't you see?
Oh! Oh, it's...
It's him!
What? Why? How? Huh?
It's all right. Breathe. In and out. In and out.
Breathe, it's all right.
Chris wants to ask Stephen Fry if Father Christmas is real. Oh!
Chris, I thought we discussed this.
We did, and I said that I'd get you proof.
This is it.
If Stephen Fry says that Father Christmas is real,
then perhaps you'll believe me.
All right, and if he says he isn't, will you believe me?
KNOCKING
If I'd have known, I would have put on a different shirt.
OK, you need to calm down.
I need the toilet, is what I need.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were carol singers...
# Good King Wenceslas last looked out on the feast of Stephen! #
Dad, please. Or you'll have to wait in the car.
Sorry. We're not carol singers.
I'm just a huge fan.
I've watched everything you've ever done on television.
I've listened to all your books, even the one about ties...
Isn't that adorable?
Well, what impeccable taste you have.
Now, if you don't mind, I'm just going to call the police.
No, please, we literally just want to ask you one question.
Can I use your toilet?
That wasn't it.
I'm going to close the door now. Goodbye.
Wait!
Is Father Christmas real?
I'm sorry, what did you say the name was?
Father Christmas.
You have heard of Father Christmas?
Yes, no, I mean, I thought you said...
Oh, my goodness, I left the oven on. Goodbye.
No, Stephen, please! It will only take a minute.
Come on, it is Christmas.
It's just as I imagined it.
Is Father Christmas real?
In order to deliver all those satsumas and pairs of socks,
Father Christmas would have to travel jolly fast. But how jolly?
Show your workings, Fry. Certainly, sir.
Well, speed, as we know,
is distance divided by time.
Divided by time. And we calculate distance
by seeing the number of households that celebrate Christmas.
Which is roughly 45% of the population. 8.2 billion.
By the average number of people in the household,
which is approximately 3.95.
3.95. Yep.
That gives us
934,177,215
households. Basically a billion.
Basically a billion. Dad. Final warning.
By the Global Average Spacing.
So 186 million kilometres, plus change,
which is more than 100 return trips to the moon.
So all that distance over time.
And how much time
does Father Christmas have at his disposal?
Well, I'm going to say 30 hours,
if you think of when the last children go to sleep
on Christmas Island,
and the first children wake up in American Samoa.
That gives us the total of
6,277,848km
per hour.
Well, that is jolly fast, like you said. Yeah.
Yeah, not as fast as the speed of light, mind you,
but alas, the air resistance alone would be enough
to instantly vaporise any normal human being.
And, actually, these figures are a trifle optimistic
because they don't take into account
the fact that Father Christmas has to stop a billion times,
to deliver the actual presents.
That means constant acceleration and deceleration,
not to mention going down all those chimneys and up them again.
It just stretches credibility even further, doesn't it?
How does he do that? Especially when there is no chimney.
And given that fact that he is, pun intended,
widely reported to be generously proportioned.
Right, yeah, well,
thank you, Stephen, that's been really helpful.
That's not everything.
Well, it's enough to be getting on with, so...
What else were you going to say?
Nothing, really, that was the nub.
Please, tell me.
Well, it's just that based on the lack of verifiable sightings
and bona fide photographic evidence,
we have to conclude that Father Christmas does all this
while remaining completely invisible.
I'd like to go home now, please.
Oh, yeah, of course, mate. Yeah, um...let's get you home.
Er, excuse me, Chris?
Um, I just wanted to add
that, until 1903 and the Wright brothers,
powered human flight was thought to be impossible.
But it wasn't.
We just didn't have a proper understanding of aerodynamics
and propulsion and three-axis steering.
We had to wait for the science to catch up.
And what I'm saying is, all of that in there
might not be impossible.
It might just be that we can't explain it.
Not yet.
We have to wait until we can see the bigger picture.
Oh, and talking of pictures, I don't know,
I thought perhaps you might like to have this.
Stephen, you didn't have to. Thank you... Aw, I would.
Oh, look at that! Wow!
Aw, that is the best Christmas present ever.
Oh.
Oh, I feel a bit embarrassed now.
Really, there's no reason to be.
If I'd have known, I...
..probably wouldn't have taken that.
Have you taken anything else?
God, Uncle Nicholas!
PHONE RINGS
Hello?
No, no, I didn't say anything,
I promise.
In fact, I said the exact opposite.
I was very careful.
BEEPING
Hey. How did it go at the doctor's?
Yeah, no, it was good. Thanks.
Yeah, no, they, um...
They gave him a cream.
Merry Christmas.
Merry "Eczema...s".
Merry Eczema... Xmas. I just got it, cos of the...
Cos of the rash!
Goodnight, son. Night, Dad.
Chris, I know you're disappointed,
but, you know, this doesn't mean that Christmas is cancelled.
We can still do all the other stuff.
Everything else will stay exactly the same.
Yeah, but it won't be the same, will it?
STEPHEN FRY: Which comes to 934,177,215 households,
so basically a billion.
Basically a billion.
We have to wait until we can see the bigger picture.
The bigger picture...
LOUDER: The bigger picture.
Well, it definitely looks like Father Christmas.
Who did you say these other people were?
Professor Hannah Fry,
Professor of the Public Understanding of Mathematics
and serial podcaster. Uh-huh.
Dame Maggie Aderin-Pocock,
space scientist and Honorary Fellow of the British Science Association.
Jason Fox, ex-Special Forces and TV personality.
Right, and you think, what,
they all work for Father Christmas
and basically make it possible for him
to deliver all those presents to all those children
in a single night, and not be seen doing it?
Yeah.
I know it sounds tenuous, but... I'm in.
Look, you had me at "tenuous."
SHREDDER WHIRS
BEEPING
Professor Hannah Fry?
Yeah?
Relax, relax, we just want to ask a couple of questions.
Oh, are you doing a podcast?
Oh, I love a podcast.
We're trying to find proof that Father Christmas is real.
Ah, OK. No, I'm sorry, I cannot help you with that.
Where did you get this?
A journalist never reveals her source.
Stephen gave you this, didn't he?
Yeah, 100%. Yep.
I'm not a journalist.
He is such a blabbermouth. What else did he tell you?
Nothing. I find that very difficult to believe.
Well, he said that it might not be impossible for Father Christmas
to climb down chimneys that aren't even there,
just that we can't explain it yet. Mm-hm?
I mean HE can't explain it yet.
Do you know he failed O Level physics?
Does that mean...
..that you can...explain it?
Well, yeah. Of course I can explain it.
It's just, you know...
You don't want to?
Yeah. I don't want to.
I mean, obviously she CAN. She just doesn't want to.
I can actually explain it, guys.
No, no, I believe you. "Professor." Excuse me!
What are these fake air quotes? I am an actual professor.
HOLLY SIGHS OK, Chris, come on, let's go.
Ooh! Have you still got that number for Professor Brian Cox?
Yeah, somewhere.
OK. It's Macroscopic Quantum Tunnelling.
Just remind me what that is again.
OK, so Father Christmas turns himself and his presents
into a single quantum object,
and that way he can pass through solid walls.
Like a ghost? No! Nothing like a ghost.
This is the quantum world,
it's where particles don't exist at a single point -
they exist everywhere and nowhere all at once
in, like, a cloud of probability that spreads through space.
And that way a particle COULD be on the roof of a house,
but it could also be inside a house,
underneath a Christmas tree. That's quantum tunnelling.
I see. And how does he travel fast enough
to be able to deliver all those presents in a single night?
Well, he's using an Alcubierre drive, right?
He's engulfing his sleigh in a bubble of Minkowski space,
and that way he doesn't need to feel any of the g-forces.
Er, OK. I, er...
I forgot, actually, I...
I need to go. I've got a lecture to do.
Sorry. Bye.
How does he make himself turn invisible?
Oh, OK. Whew.
That was weird. I know, right?
Since when did the pencil moustache come back into fashion?
Before that, I mean.
That photograph - it really put her on edge.
That's it. We need to talk to the other people in the photograph.
That's what we're doing, Holly.
You've got to call them. You've got to call them right now.
How? I don't have a number.
Or a SIM card.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Oh! Sorry, mate, one second. Yeah, I'd better get this.
This might be for me.
Hello? Yeah, speaking.
Oh, hello, Dame Maggie Aderin-Pocock.
SHE MOUTHS
WHISPERED: How did she get your number?
SHE MOUTHS
No, ask her.
Yeah, no, sorry. Still here.
She wants to meet.
I'm not sure this is a good idea. BRAKES SQUEAL
Yeah, that's what makes it a good idea.
She wouldn't ask to meet in a place like this
unless we were dangerously close to the truth.
Is Father Christmas real?
He's real if you believe he's real.
That's good enough for me, but my dad wants proof.
What makes you think I can help?
Oh, Stephen.
He can't help himself.
Have you met the other two?
Professor Hannah Fry, but not Foxy.
He's a hard man to find.
So you don't know where he is?
I haven't seen Foxy since this photograph was taken.
So, Hannah -
what did you two discuss?
Oh, just Macroscopic Quantum Tunnelling.
It's how Father Christmas gets down the chimneys.
Anything else?
She touched on the, um...
The Alan... Alan Q beer.
The... The Alan Q...
The Alcubierre drive. That's the one.
And did it make sense?
Um...
Well, I'd be lying if I said it all went in,
but then I am only predicted a grade three in GCSE maths.
It's not that complicated.
Let's get that three up to a four.
Rather than making Father Christmas travel to every household,
the trick is to make every household travel to him.
What is she doing?
Who keeps a rug in the boot of their car?
Now, imagine that this rug represents space and time,
but all smooshed together,
and it's running from one end of a room...
..all the way to the other.
Would you like to step inside the room?
Ah, classic. She wants to roll up a body and dump it in the canal.
Now, conventionally, it will take a number of steps
to get from one end to the other,
but imagine if we could squish up, or concertina,
space and time in front of you. Like this.
OK. Good.
False alarm.
Teacher's got to teach.
So now you can step from one end of the room to the other
in a single step.
And if I elongate space and time behind you,
like this...
..you've miraculously got from one end to the other.
Wow!
That actually makes sense. Thank you.
Well?
You can relax. He doesn't know anything.
In fact, I'm not even sure he knows that.
Good, but we have to be careful.
The belief is strong with this one.
CAMERA BEEPS
Albercue... Alcubierre.
Alcubierre drive, that's sort of, like, a magic carpet thing?
No, the carpet was just a teaching aid.
I don't know, it made sense when she said it, so...
KNOCK ON DOOR
Ah! Ooh, pizza.
Whoa, wait a minute. Yeah?
When did you order pizza?
Well, no, I didn't.
So what are you doing? What is the point of having all this security
if you're just going to open the door to anyone with a pizza?
Well, I like pizza, and I also haven't eaten since breakfast, so...
KNOCKING CONTINUES Holly!
That's weird.
He's opened up the pizza box,
but there isn't any pizza in it, there's just words.
What do you mean? What words?
It says...
..Jason "Foxy" Fox.
Why not?
Sorry, sorry. My bad. Sorry.
DETECTOR CLICKS
DETECTOR BEEPS He's telling me we don't have long.
But you can talk to Foxy...
..through me.
Are you psychic?
No, I have a microphone and a camera.
Foxy can see us and hear us.
Hello, Chris. Hello, Holly. It's Foxy here.
I'm really sorry about the tight security,
but I can't take no chances.
I can't take no chances. They can't know where I am.
Who's they? Father Christmas.
And his organisation.
So he's real? Yeah, mate.
As real as I am standing right here.
What do they want? Get that photograph out.
That was taken at a Channel 4 Christmas party.
I thought it was going to be well boring,
stuck with them lot all night.
But it turns out we had a lot in common.
Like ideas about Father Christmas
and how it is he can do what he does.
You know, theoretically.
We really got into it,
and was going to organise a convention and everything.
And call it The Science of Christmas
and use it to get children interested in the subject
from a young age. Inspire future generations.
We had publishers interested, and television people -
there was even talk of a podcast.
What happened?
Father Christmas. He shut us down.
I'm not saying he did it personally.
But he was definitely involved.
What idea did you have?
Active camouflage.
It's what the big man uses to make himself invisible.
His red jumpsuit is actually just an image of a red jumpsuit
projected onto a flexible, wearable Oled screen.
Hidden cameras constantly film what is around him
and then project that on the screen on the opposite side.
It's like he's wrapped in a live feed
of his immediate environment.
It's the same technology James Bond used
to make his car invisible in Die Another Day.
I didn't see it.
Exactly.
Sorry, that's all I have time for.
I've got to take a cake out of the oven.
Wait...
..how do I find Father Christmas?
You don't, soldier.
That's what I've been trying to tell you. Steer clear.
You don't want to get mixed up in this.
BEEPING
TV: Well, that period of time has ended...
DOORBELL RINGS
Door!
I'll get it!
DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN
It's Georgina. Ms Bailey.
How do I look?
Like a deer in the headlights. DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN
Coming!
# Deck the halls with boughs of holly
# Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la-la
# Tis the season to be jolly
# Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la-la... #
CAROLLING CONTINUES
CHRIS JOINS IN
# Troll the ancient Christmas carol
# Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la-la
# Follow me in merry measure
# Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la-la
# Fast away the old year passes
# Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la-la
# Hail the lonely lads and lasses
# Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la-la. #
# Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la-la
# Fast away the old year passes
# Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la...la. #
I can explain.
My letter to Father Christmas. That I posted.
I know.
You know that it's a criminal offence
to interfere with an envelope that is stamped and addressed?
I rescued it. From what?!
Do you know what happens to letters addressed to Father Christmas?
Well, I know what's supposed to happen.
They get sent to Father Christmas, so he knows what presents to get.
They get shredded.
All of them.
They're put into a big machine that cuts them up into long, thin strips,
which are dumped into big red bins,
then stuck on the back of an old blue lorry
and taken to God knows where.
So you don't know where?
I know it's not the North Pole.
How do you know? Because I do.
You don't.
You don't know. You just don't want to believe.
You always think that everything is...
..is destined to end in disaster.
BEEPING
Not everything is destined to end in disaster.
PHONE LINE RINGS
VOICEMAIL: Hi, this is Georgina.
I can't come to the phone right now, so please leave a message.
BEEP Hey...Georgina. It's Nick here.
Nick...Massey. From the house opposite.
Well, it's not really opposite, is it? It's more sort of...
I'd say ten o'clock.
It's definitely across the street. Doesn't matter.
I'm just returning your call, basically...
..from April, I think it was.
Just to say that, yes...
..I'd really like to go for that drink -
if the offer still stands - and that I'm free tonight.
If that's not too rash.
Nailed it.
HOLLY: So, letters to Father Christmas are shredded,
put on that blue lorry
and then taken where?
That's the reason we're following the blue lorry.
PHONE BUZZES
VOICE NOTE PLAYS: Hiya. Um, yeah, tonight sounds great.
I think I can get to you for about eight o'clock.
So, yeah, I guess I'll see you then. Bye.
Still got it.
HE CHUCKLES
Ooh, Chris, before I forget.
There you go.
You got me a new SIM card.
No, that's just the one I swallowed.
You wait here.
Where are you going?
I have an idea.
MUSIC: The Carol Of The Bells by Mykola Leontovych
Knock-knock. Hey.
Can I help you? I don't know. Can you?
Well, not unless you tell me what it is you want, no.
I'm, er...
I'm here to see...Father Christmas.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Got an appointment?
Do I...need one?
Does this look like the North Pole to you? Hmm?
I don't know, I've never been.
Yeah. Well, it's not.
It's Milton Keynes. OK.
Now clear off! Fair enough. Yep.
Thank you.
OK.
Well? Yep, he is definitely in there.
Father Christmas? How do you know?
Woman's...institution, Chris.
What now? Plan B.
ENGINE STARTS
PHONE RINGS
Problem?
No, sir. No problem.
CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYS
SINISTER MUSIC PLAYS
Are you sure this is going to work?
I don't look anything like a security guard!
Yeah, because you haven't put the hat on yet.
I know you said you've done this before,
but I suppose the question is, how many times?
Yeah, mate, I really don't know. It's not like I keep count.
Like, less than 100, more than once.
You mean twice? Well, you know what they say - third time lucky.
The first two times failed?!
Chris, now is really not the time for second thoughts, OK?
Did you want to find out if Father Christmas is real or not?
Well, yeah! But...
Good. Because there is a very small chance
that he is on the other side of that wall.
"A very small chance"? You said "definitely"!
Definitely a very small chance.
Now, you just remember what I told you, yeah? Tuck and roll.
You didn't tell me that.
Well, I'm telling you now, aren't I? Tuck and roll!
OK! OK, tuck and roll.
Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Aim for the pillows.
And tuck and roll!
I got it, I got it.
FOOTFALLS BANG ON ROOF
Whooooa!
THUD!
Chris? HE GRUNTS
Yeah...
It worked!
Stay right where you are!
VAN DOOR SLAMS
ENGINE STARTS
TYRES SQUEAL
Oh, I'm so sorry, mate. I didn't realise you were one of us.
Er, yeah. Yeah, no, I am.
Definitely.
SECURITY GUARD HUMS
Hang on!
I don't recognise you.
Well, you must be new.
That's right, yeah. Yeah, I am. I just...
Just transferred in.
Well, then, how come you have a different uniform?
Well, it must be from a different branch.
Come on, then, let's have a cup of tea.
I'll introduce you to the crazy gang.
MUSIC: When You Say Nothing At All by Ronan Keating
Hello.
TYRES SQUEAL, MUSIC STOPS
Oh, no. Uncle Nicholas...
Uncle Nicholas, I-I-I tried to talk him out of it, I swear.
I really did, I really...
Hi. You all right? Hi.
But he just... He wouldn't listen, he wouldn't listen.
"Holly," he said, "That is very mature
"and incredibly level-headed advice,
"but I will...but I will fundamentally ignore it."
Holly, Holly, slow down.
What are you talking about?
Where is Chris?
BEEPING
Milton Keynes?
I don't know what I'm going to do.
I'm out of ideas. I mean, he's 16 years old,
and he still believes in Father Christmas.
I think that's good.
I don't. I think it's sad and pathetic.
He's becoming more and more like his dad each day.
At least he believes in something.
A lot of people don't.
I mean, I don't know, I'm not his parent, you are.
But I AM his teacher...
..and what I see is a boy who's bright and curious and tenacious,
and who shows initiative.
Those are all good qualities.
Thank you.
And thanks for coming tonight.
This wasn't really what I had in mind for our first date.
Listen up, everyone, this is Chris.
He just transferred in. All right, Chris? Hiya.
Chris, this is Danny. Where were you before?
Swindon.
That's Frank.
I didn't know we had an office in Swindon.
They wouldn't tell us if they did.
You got that right. Angela. Hi.
Come on, then, I'll show you round the kitchen.
So that's Robbo, Big Jen, and Teabag.
Cup of tea, Chris?
No, no, no. No children.
I need a girlfriend first. THEY CHUCKLE
RADIO CHATTER Oh, sorry, Chris.
Go ahead, this is Goshawk, over.
RADIO: Yeah, you haven't seen anyone you're not supposed to
on your rounds, have you? Over.
No, what kind? Over.
I've got a gentleman here says his lad
trampolined over the back wall earlier on tonight. Over.
No, sorry.
Hang on a minute.
Chris?
Yeah?
You were round the back earlier.
See anything that looked like a young lad?
No, no. Not that I can think of.
Sorry, mate, can't help you. Over and out.
Is the toilet...? Oh, it's just out there. Second on the left. OK.
Good kid.
Settling in very nicely.
DOOR OPENS
Where is he?
LIVELY CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS
# Gloria! Gloria!
# Gloria! Gloria! #
METALLIC THUD CHRIS GASPS
METAL CLANKS AND SCRAPES
Oh...
ALARM BLARES
BEEPING
# Up on the housetop the reindeer pause
# Out jumps good old Santa Claus
# Down through the chimney with lots of toys
# All for the little ones Christmas joys
# Ho-ho-ho! Who wouldn't go! Ho-ho-ho! Who wouldn't go! #
Come on. In you go. Actions have consequences.
Right, what do you want to say?
Sorry.
Remember, you have to be specific if you want to sound sincere.
I'm sorry I was so heavy-handed...
SHOUTING: Speak up!
I'm sorry I was so heavy-handed.
I didn't mean to scare you or put you in danger.
It won't happen again.
I promise.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Right, off you go.
SANTA GRUNTS
SANTA SIGHS
Poor old Ruprecht.
His heart's in the right place.
And the truth is, well, I couldn't do without him.
He takes care of that part of the business -
that leaves me free to do the things that I need to do.
Which is a roundabout way of saying,
I have no idea who you are, why you're here,
and why you didn't just write a letter like everyone else.
I did. And I'm Chris, by the way.
Right. Do you have the letter on you?
Yes, I do.
Here. Ah.
Right.
Let me guess - wireless headphones?
A hoodie? A black Nando's card?
All you want for Christmas is
for your dad to believe in Father Christmas?
He doesn't think you exist.
Tell me, Chris. It is Chris, isn't it?
Have you, er...
Have you ever seen a magic trick?
Were you amazed?
I was.
What do you think would have happened
if the magician had explained the trick to you first?
It wouldn't feel like magic.
Ah!
Well, that's the approach we like to take here.
Truth is, it helps to have people like your dad out there -
the sceptics, the non-believers.
Makes it more special for the children
and those that do believe.
And that's the most important thing, wouldn't you agree?
Unfortunately, it's getting harder and harder to amaze people.
100 years ago,
the science I had, it was 1,000 years ahead of anyone.
A decade ago, only a century.
And now it's getting closer - the gap is closing fast.
The inexorable march of progress.
Those people in the photograph -
I'm sure they had good intentions,
but they were getting dangerously close to the truth.
That could've ruined Christmas for an awful lot of people.
Ruprecht had to step in.
Now, I understand that you want to prove to your dad
that I'm real, and that you were right, but...
..I need to ask you a favour.
I need you to keep all of this a secret.
You know...
..to preserve the magic for at least one more generation.
Do you think you could do that for me?
Well...
..I can't really say "no" to Father Christmas, can I?
Ah!
Well, what can I get you instead?
How about an air-fryer? I've had a run on those.
No.
I know what I want.
Oh?
Oh, with your science teacher? No, I don't think....
No, not for me.
Oh.
Well...
..it's a little outside my remit, but...
..I'll see what I can do.
You do know that this is not about Father Christmas, don't you?
For either of you.
Hey.
Now I wouldn't say this out loud, but, um...
..I was really proud of the way you kept going back there.
You know, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, you...
..you showed real determination.
Thank you.
She loved Christmas.
Not as much as you, obviously.
But it was definitely her favourite time of year.
You know, I think part of the reason why
you wanted to still believe in Father Christmas
was because of that,
because Mum and Christmas are so closely associated,
it's as if...
..to believe in Father Christmas
was to keep the memory of her alive.
But you'll never forget her.
She'll always be here.
And we'll still have a great Christmas, won't we?
Yeah. Eh?
We'll open presents, pull crackers, put up decorations,
cook a goose, pretend we like Christmas pudding - the works.
Thanks, Dad.
I love you, son.
Dad? Mm?
I also think that part of the reason
that you didn't want me to believe in Father Christmas
was because of Mum as well.
Oh?
Almost as if, I don't know,
because Mum and Christmas are so closely associated,
that if I still believed in Father Christmas, then...
..it'd just be too hard
for you to move on with the rest of your life.
But you can.
You're not going to forget her.
That's an interesting thought.
Goodnight, mate.
Night, Dad.
BELLS JINGLE
TINKLY FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYS
He's been!
How on earth did you get up there?
I don't know. It's a Christmas miracle.
Yeah, well, as long as it wasn't that trampoline again.
Anyway, come on - that goose isn't going to cook itself.
Come on.
Merry Christmas!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media