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That's just unrealistic.
You can't expect to always want the same thing at the same time.
-Of course not. -Like for example,
I love getting rim jobs. But Étienne doesn't like to eat ass.
I just don't enjoy it.
-He fixates on the sanitary aspect. -Guess I was raised that way.
-You get it from your mom, babe. -You're probably right.
So eventually, I figured...
It's just that your whole life, you're told
that girls are prone to vaginitis,
and you have to watch out for fecal matter in the vagina.
-Your "whole life"? -Yeah, like at school.
Your teachers warned you about fecal matter in vaginas?
You'd be surprised how much you hear about it.
Like, there's a right way to wipe baby girls, to avoid infection.
-I don't want you to wipe me! -Fine. My point is,
I become self-conscious.
It's like, when I'm face-deep,
I don't know if my tongue should go from the vagina to the anus,
or vice versa.
It's like I can't find the right strategy.
I get that.
After our first daughter, I was worried about vaginitis.
You need to be careful.
Anyway, neither of our girls ever got vaginitis.
The right way is front to back. If you do that, you're all good.
You're overthinking it. You're just a clean freak.
I won't argue with you there.
Anyway, I like rim jobs but Étienne doesn't.
Nope, I don't like it.
So I had a talk with myself,
and I said, is this really gonna be my life?
With war, global warming, the far right,
do I really want to spend the years I have not getting rimmed
because the man I love had a teacher who said it was gross?
That'd be silly!
That's when she suggested we open up.
Étienne liked that concept.
Yeah, you just need to set some rules.
Étienne loves me and wants me to be happy.
Of course!
It's better for our relationship if both Étienne and I are happy.
I just don't wanna know who she's fucking.
Actually to be honest, I don't even mind if I know the person.
We thought about it, and we realized...
I mean, we know a lot of people,
and we don't wanna narrow the field too much.
So to hell with those rules,
like "no one we know" or "only the same blood type."
-It's too much! -Let's just fuck!
I just don't want names.
That's all.
You never thought about it?
-Nope. -Not really.
You've been together what, twelve years?
Sixteen!
-Really? -It's something, right?
Sixteen years, two kids...
Do you still have sex?
Sure. Of course now it's all about finding windows, and time frames...
Sixteen years!
When you started sleeping together, I was in second grade!
Fucking hell!
Are you still happy together?
What? Happy? Of course.
Yeah, we make a great team.
If you want kids, you need a good partner.
Sure.
And you never wanted to...
explore with others?
Never?
Well...
-It's complicated. -Yeah, it's complicated.
It's easier for you.
You don't have responsibilities, you don't have kids!
Yes, of course.
It just makes me wonder.
What's really stopping us from being happy?
Nicely put, love. Very nicely put.
- Oh stop it! -You're so eloquent.
FOLLIES
ACT 1 MONOGAMY
Should we translate that song or not?
What is it about?
No idea. Can't hear the words.
-Huh? -It's not clear.
Don't you speak English?
I do, Sophie.
But the singer is screaming.
If I talk like this...
even in French you won't understand me.
What's up with you, cranky pants?
Sorry, I'm in a bad mood. I didn't sleep last night.
That's no good.
It's my fucking long COVID.
I hate insomnia. It's like my body won't let me rest.
I didn't sleep much either.
How come?
A party at this guy's house. Crotale. Do you know him?
-Definitely not. -He's kind of the king of nightlife.
Sorry, I don't know him.
It was fun, but it got a bit weird.
You know the kind of guy I'm talking about?
No, I don't know what you're getting at.
You know.
Like, at a certain point, people were feeling a bit hot,
and they started taking their clothes off.
-They got naked... -Really?
You know, like an orgy.
An orgy?
-You want an open relationship? -Are you nuts? No!
-But François seemed into it. -Did he tell you that?
No, it's more like a gut feeling. I'm a bit checked out, sexually.
Like last night, he tried to finger me
and it got all weird because I couldn't concentrate.
On getting fingered?
What I mean is, this and that gotta go together.
How can I be any clearer?
-It was a pile of people, doing stuff. -What about you? What did you do?
Nothing. But they were all around me.
I found it hilarious, I couldn't stop laughing.
So you went to an orgy at Crotale's, and all you did was laugh?
What should I have done?
I wasn't gonna "screw" as you guys often say here.
We don't say it that often.
-How long's it been since you screwed? -Two, three weeks.
-That's not so bad. -Right?
But he wants us to be spontaneous.
I'd love to be spontaneous but our sex drives are out of sync!
-Is he pressuring you? -No, no.
You know François, he's the gentle type. He's not, like, "Rawr!"
But he clearly has needs.
How long's it been?
Since we had sex? Two, three months.
-That's objectively long, right? -For sure.
You know, she's the only girl I ever slept with.
-Really? -Yep.
For the last 16 years, I've only ever seen her vagina.
Her vulva.
Her vulva, whatever.
Véro too.
Véro B or Véro D?
Both of them.
B with her boyfriend and D with her girlfriend.
Both Véros?
Am I the only monogamous granny left?
I'm tired just thinking about it.
Do you want Crotale's number?
To be honest, after a while, love is...
-It takes work. -It takes work!
It's like love is somewhere down there in the weeds
and you have to look for it.
-You have to mow the lawn. -Exactly!
You mow the lawn, you spot the love, and you go,
"Oh, love was hiding in the weeds this whole time!"
There. You have to feed it too!
Feed the love.
-I love Julie, you know. -I know.
-I want to make that clear. -It is. I was just asking.
Fine.
Is everything OK?
-Sure. -Sure, sweetie. Why are you asking?
Dunno. It feels tense.
Tense?
You know.
Like there's bad energy at the table.
Yeah. It feels tense.
Nope. Everything's chill.
Yep. Everything's chill.
-It's "chill"? -It's chill.
Wanna play Guess Who?
Once upon a time, there was a warrior with red armour
who had lost her sword, so she called her turtle to...
To find her sword?
Yeah, to go looking for her sword.
And her sword was hidden in a lake.
And in the lake, there was an enormous...
Maybe it's my long COVID and brain fog,
but I think the girls are smarter than me.
Right? What was that at dinner?
"There's bad energy."
"Bad energy." What the hell? You're ten!
Fuck off.
You don't have long COVID.
You were sick for like two days.
It's long COVID.
It can't be. You were sick for two days.
What else could it be?
I keep telling you to go see someone, hon.
I think you might be depressed.
You've had a rough couple of years,
and it's affecting your mood more than you think.
It's long COVID, and my mood's fine.
Is our relationship in trouble?
Of course not.
-You don't feel...? -No. We're both doing our thing.
That said, we might be on autopilot a bit.
Yeah.
I'm gonna say something a bit weird,
but I kinda like being on autopilot.
I get that.
Maybe we need a little something to kick things into action.
Oh really?
Seems like an open relationship could solve a lot of issues.
Our sex life is the bulk of our problems.
I'm not sure what it would solve.
Julie, you're the only woman I've ever slept with. The only woman.
I know that.
It's like I have this visceral need
to find myself, sexually.
What about finding yourself outside of sex?
Doesn't feel like a very deep exploration to me.
It's like I don't even know myself.
I'm with you on that one.
But I don't know what sex has to do with it.
You're equating sex with happiness,
without even considering the life we built together.
-Of course I'm considering it! -Are you?
-I wanna preserve all that. -By sleeping with other people?
By taking sex out of the equation.
No, really, the more I think about it,
the more I realize that sex and faithfulness are different things.
To me, that's the very definition of it.
-Don't think so. -You don't?
No. I work with words all day,
and let me tell you, sexuality and faithfulness are very different.
I need to feel wanted.
And you don't get that from me?
Wanted?
No, I can't say I do.
-You don't wanna sleep with me. -That's not true.
-Sorry. -Come on!
It's not just you. I don't feel wanted in general.
I feel loved.
I hope so.
Of course I feel loved. But I don't feel wanted.
I'm looking for that. I dunno.
It's like I feel an urge to just...
Just...
-To throw a pillow? -To do crazy shit!
To try something new!
To fail. To pick ourselves up again. To make mistakes. Don't you?
We can't spend our whole fucking lives on autopilot!
Yeah!
You buy it and we'll take care of it.
Sounds great.
And we'll name the bunny Québec.
Or Winnipeg. Or Victoria. Or Yellowknife.
-Or Edmonton. Or Fredericton. -A capital city. Got it.
-Would you prefer Charlottetown? -I'd prefer no bunny at all.
-What about Victoria? -No bunny.
-What about a giraffe? -Girls.
Your dad and I were saying how smart you both are.
-Yep. -Thanks, Mom.
And because you're so smart, we wanted to be honest with you both.
You were right last night, Louise.
We were tense at dinner.
-And you sensed it. -So everything wasn't chill.
-Yes, it was. -No, it wasn't chill.
Not chill at all. No.
The energy was bad because Mom and Dad were arguing
about a sensitive issue.
It wasn't a big fight. Just a difference of opinion.
No, it wasn't a big fight, but it was important.
About the very foundation of our relationship.
Let's call it a foundational argument.
Right?
But now, because Mommy and Daddy love each other,
we do, don't we?
And because we love you both,
we want to try something.
It's a big decision,
but...
we're opening up our relationship.
-Is this really the right time? -The energy might change,
and you might sense that.
But Mommy and Daddy are here for you...
And we love you, OK? -OK.
OK, Mommy.
Thank you, girls.
I knew you'd understand.
Sorry. Be right back.
-I like your drawing. -Thanks.
Yeah, it's nice.
ACT 2
The first one's pretty obvious. "No friends."
I can't sleep with your friends or mine?
Yours, mine, friends of friends.
I hear and welcome your input.
That said, everyone knows everyone in Montréal.
That's why I said friends, not acquaintances.
Would it be too controlling if I said no cunnilingus?
Dunno about controlling, but it narrows the playing field.
OK, then how about "Not a lot of cunnilingus"?
Just so you know, I won't be focusing entirely on cunnilingus.
I know, but kissing you afterwards wouldn't feel very hygienic to me.
How about, "Good hygiene practices after oral sex"?
-Sounds good. -Great.
The old tangled mess!
Fuck.
How about, "Untangle the lights before storing the tree"?
We should write that one down because it happens every year!
"Not in the house"?
Yeah. Especially not in the girls' room.
-Why would we do it in there? -Hey, exactly.
We wouldn't do that. Don't write that down!
Ew! Who'd even do that?
"Always preserve our couple's aura."
That's a bit New Agey.
How so?
I mean, "No friends" and "Proper hygiene after oral" is obvious,
but "the couple's aura" is open to interpretation.
Let's say I'm hitting on someone,
I can't force my body language to project the aura of our couple.
I thought you'd be more open, but you think my rule is dumb.
No, I don't. I'm just saying it leaves room for interpretation.
"Preserve the couple's aura" speaks for itself.
I guess now you're rethinking us, too!
I'm not! Stop saying that!
An aura is something you can feel.
I just don't want you to withdraw. I want you to be committed to us,
and remember what we've built together over the years.
Just be honest, for fuck's sake!
Then write down "Be honest for fuck's sake."
That's straightforward!
I still say we put "our couple's aura" in parentheses.
Fine.
-You're not adding a profile pic? -I don't want clients seeing me.
So people are gonna see a picture of me and a flower.
They know you're not fucking a flower.
Not to sell myself short,
but you're the honeypot here.
-I don't wanna show my face. -How about your body?
I don't want to. I'll write a nice intro instead.
-Anyway, you're hot. -I dunno. No one likes fatties.
Well, I clearly do.
I had a six-pack when you met me.
Then upload an old picture of yourself.
Here we go... The fat fuck and the red rose.
-It's an amaryllis. -Amaryllis.
Thank you so much!
Granny and Gramps, come play!
Louise needs to finish her math homework before bedtime.
Fine.
No homework, no ice cream.
-I'll help her, it'll be fast. -Just don't do it for her.
Of course not. Anyway, I don't know the "new math."
That's true. I'm lost too.
-Same here. -We don't get it.
Soon enough you'll feel that way about everything.
You're stressing me out, Dad.
It'll pass.
You spend your whole life refusing to get old,
and then one day you wake up,
and accept who you've become.
And you finally calm down.
It's wonderful.
-That's so beautiful! -You're a philosopher, Mom.
I find that very comforting.
Where are you two off to?
-The movies! -The theatre!
-Right, the movies! -It's a mix of film and theatre.
-From this really quirky director... -From Sweden...
See?
Right now,
I have no idea what you're talking about and I couldn't care less.
-Anyway, enjoy! -Thanks. Bye, girls.
Family hug!
Eye contact!
We say "I love you" with our eyes!
I love you. I love you.
Excuse me?
Excuse me, sir?
-Do you have any reggae? -Reggae?
No, sorry.
Reggae helps me relax.
Stupid key card!
You're doing it wrong.
No, it's the dot. Try the dot.
I miss the old metal keys.
Nice room!
-Great choice! -Thanks.
Gonna keep your coat on?
No, I just...
A bit of mood music.
-Reggae! -Yes.
What are the odds?
-I love reggae. It loosens me up. -Amazing, then.
That's so weird.
So... this a nice room.
-Yes. It's our favourite hotel. -In Montréal.
Our favourite hotel in the world is the Castiglion del Bosco.
In Tuscany.
Ever been to Italy?
Yes. But not together.
-I was younger. -I went in college.
Our second favourite is the Aman in Tokyo.
-What a view! -And the Royal Mansour Marrakech!
-Amazing as well. -You sure know your hotels!
Hotels are my kink.
Nothing turns me on like hotel rooms.
A new room makes me feel all tingly down there.
-It's the only reason we travel. -Really?
We opened our relationship when the kids were young,
and we weren't too comfortable having strangers over,
so we went to hotels a lot,
and now they're an integral part of our sex life.
We must have fucked in a hundred hotels around the globe.
A hundred!?
It really is a kink!
I would have never thought that hotel rooms could be so erotic.
The lights, the robes, the sheets,
the coffee maker.
The artwork.
Like this one.
Yeah.
So, what do you like?
What turns you on?
-Lots of things! -Such as?
Any specific kinks?
What's your favourite type of folly?
-I'll start. -Go ahead!
I think I like textures like, I dunno, leather...
-Really? -Latex, PVC. I think it's hot.
You never told me that.
It's just in some videos I watch.
I don't even have lingerie and you're into latex?
I don't expect you to wear it. I just think it's hot.
It's just that I didn't know that.
-Can we discuss this another time? -It's fine, I just...
Opening up your relationship leads to lots of these conversations.
But it's fun, and it sure helped us.
It really did. I used to be so closed off.
Unsure what to say or do. Opening up helped me open up.
-Good God! -I love that!
Since then, we've been able to talk much more freely.
It's tough at first, but once you hit the sweet spot,
you'll see the payoff.
Glad to hear it.
-Have a seat. -Let's sit down.
Anyway,
when we saw you walk into the bar tonight,
Sonia and I thought that... you look great together.
You both look great.
So do you.
Well, I think...
since this is your first time, shall we just start?
Yeah.
And don't overthink it. We're not here to judge.
We can go slow,
and I personally feel honoured to be part of your journey.
Totally.
Thank you for choosing us. It's a real privilege.
Well, geez.
They're so sweet!
You're really sweet.
So, close your eyes
and take a deep breath.
You OK?
Yeah, just a bit tense.
Let yourself relax. We're good.
Hold on!
-You OK? -Yep.
-What are you doing? -I'm just gonna... Over here.
Should I...?
You keep going, it's all good.
Of course, no problem.
Yeah, it's fine, it's fine.
-Is this OK? -Definitely!
Anything I can do to make you comfortable?
No, no, I'm comfortable.
Sorry.
Hey, pretty flower! What kinda bee u into?
-A threesome with my BF. -Wanna meet up?
-Honestly, I'm kinda tired. -It might relax you.
You've got a lovely penis but I'll pass.
Dad?
Mom?
-Dad? -Mom?
-What?! -Look!
Good job!
Oh, sorry.
It's OK.
-Be right there. -No stress.
-Love your pictures. Wanna chat? -It's just an amaryllis.
Well, I like flowers.
Are you just copy-pasting the same message to every girl?
Jesus.
This is the third time in two weeks!
-That can't be right. -It is.
We were babysat last week,
and on Tuesday,
and now today.
That's too much babysitting!
This isn't babysitting.
You've got a fun play date with Louis and Ariane.
But you won't be there.
Yeah. Where are you going?
-To a spa. -To a dinner.
Dinner. We're going to a dinner.
-Yeah, a dinner. -Why can't we come?
Sometimes we have supper with you, and sometimes with friends.
-Which friends? -Daddy's friends.
Can't we come with you?
You play with Ariane and Louis while we visit Daddy's friends.
Daddy wants me to meet them so we can play at their house.
-So we don't know them? -How come we don't get to meet them?
Don't you love us?
-Why did you have to say that? -Well, it's true. I don't know them.
Why don't we know them?
-You don't have to meet all our friends. -Why keep it secret?
-But you know all our friends! -It's not a secret, or a lie.
Plus, we don't know all your friends.
You told us we can't see our mean friends,
but then you have friends that we don't even know!
-Who said they're mean? -Exactly! We don't know!
-I'm not getting involved. -Well, you kinda started it.
-You're being bad parents! -You wanna talk about who started it?
Bad parents?!
-Watch it, you two! -Maybe we are bad parents.
Can my boyfriend kiss you?
Do you like men?
I don't mind. You can kiss me if you--
You have to go through me. He's not allowed to speak.
Really? OK, he can kiss me.
Kiss the nice man.
-You OK? -Oh, sure.
I've just never kissed a guy before.
Do you like it?
It's OK. It's not that different.
Kiss him again.
Has a man ever put a finger in your ass?
Only my doctor.
Can my boyfriend put a finger in your ass?
-OK. -Cool.
Put a finger in the nice man's ass.
Lean over.
-Lean over? -Right here.
People behind you can see.
-Who were you texting? -Nobody.
It's getting complicated, François.
That's because you're not participating.
I am participating.
-You just play with yourself. -Hey! Please.
I thought we'd be doing it together.
It's the best I can do right now. Sorry if that's not enough.
I didn't mean to be harsh. I'm sorry.
Doing it together feels weird to me.
-You wanna stop? -No, but...
You enjoy yourself. I'll see if I have the energy for it.
ACT 3
I don't get it, you're not happy being open?
I'm happy, I just don't know how to take it.
You're in the candy store and you're still complaining!
I can't just grab the candy! I have to chat with it first.
And spend hours trying to get to know the candy.
Your analogy sucks.
You're so grumpy! It's just an expression.
Since Julie's not on Feeld with me, I haven't had a single fucking match.
-And she was just an amaryllis! -The gem?
No, the flower.
I dunno, man. It's like nobody wants to fuck anymore.
-No way. People want to fuck. -Nah, it's too complicated.
-People are fucking, François. -But you're young and full of cum!
Hey. Get over it. People fuck, young and old.
I've hit a wall, man. That's all.
You just need to be more straightforward.
Fuck Feeld, you're wasting your time.
Just go for it. Be yourself, be upfront.
Check out that girl.
-She's cute, right? -Sure.
So go talk to her.
Tell her you'd like her to climb your dick.
Who are you? Andrew Tate?
-For fuck's sake! -Just go talk to her!
It's just that... Julie and I have this rule.
I need to project our couple's aura.
I can't look single.
I need to seem like I'm taken.
-So you have to tell the girls? -No, no, no.
I can't tell them. They need to sense it from me.
What a fucking stupid rule!
It is fucking stupid,
but you try telling Julie that's some New Age bullshit.
Does your couple even have an aura?
Yeah, it's...
Very convincing.
Forget it, just go say hi. She'll feel your aura or whatever.
-Just go! -No!
Damn, that's a heavy aura, man! Just go!
Nice technique.
Top notch!
-Thanks. -You're welcome.
I'd reciprocate but I haven't seen you climb.
I don't climb.
No, I work here, actually,
and my job is to compliment the climbers.
It's a new service.
Nice! Kindness is very in right now.
It's all we have left.
-"It's all we have left?" -Yep.
The next step may surprise you.
As an employee, I'm allowed to ask clients out for drinks.
That's right. As an act of kindness, of course.
Of course.
-Professional kindness, in a way. -Exactly.
-You're a model employee. -Well, it's my job and I do it well.
When are you proposing we go out for drinks?
We've got several time slots available.
It could be next week, or tomorrow.
-Or even now, after climbing. -Sure, after climbing.
After climbing it is.
-Yep. -Unless you're busy.
I'm available. It's my job. Gotta put in the hours.
-Of course. -If you're in, I'm in.
-Works for me. -Great.
-Will you be climbing more, ma'am? -Yes. You can drop the "ma'am."
-I'd better go compliment others now. -Of course, go!
-So, see you later? -Yeah. Later!
-Amazing. -Bye.
-Nice technique. -Thanks!
-People might still wanna fuck. -Of course they fucking do!
-Maybe. -Of course they do.
You're texting her?
No, I'm telling Julie I'll be home late.
I'm so proud of you, man.
Calm down.
I gave you some leaf lettuce, gem romaine, oak leaf, and bok choy.
There's some Boston in there too, but the water oxygen was low,
so it's a bit of a disappointment.
I'll find a way to use it.
I'm sure you'll make something great.
Sure, I'm the queen of disappointment.
This is a bit awkward, but I saw you on the apps.
Please don't take this the wrong way,
but I'm not on there much, so, I'm sorry if we didn't match, but...
No, don't worry!
-I don't want you to think... -Not at all.
But have you and François been on the scene long?
No, not long.
A couple of years, for Francesca and I.
-Oh yeah? -Yeah.
So, when I saw your profile...
-Hold on. -What?
Would you...
Would you say...
we're friends?
I dunno, it's kinda hard to say right now.
Right. But how would you introduce me?
-"This is Julie, my..." -...friend.
Yeah, I consider us friends.
Then we can't do this.
-This is gonna sound weird. -It already does.
It's about to get weirder.
-Would you say my aura... -Oh, your aura!
Yeah. Would you say it's projecting single or taken?
-Are you taken? -It's an open relationship.
-I just need to project the right... -This is fucking bullshit.
No, she's cool with it!
You know, you're all a bunch of fucktards!
Grow the fuck up and figure your shit out
before hitting on single women!
What's so fucking hard to understand?
-I really am in an open rela-- -I don't give a flying fuck! Eat shit!
Derrick and Karine are dating, and Karine's also allowed to see Sydney,
but not Louis 1 or Louis 2, who are in Wing 2,
as Wings 1 and 2 cannot mingle.
Except for Adam, who's also allowed to see Sydney,
who recently came out as non-binary.
Louise, your daughter,
is allowed to see Derrick and Louis 3, but not Louis 1 or 2.
She can also hold hands with Adam,
even though they're in different wings, but they're not dating.
On Fridays and Mondays, Louis 1, 2, 3 are a throuple.
On Wednesdays, Sydney and Louise open up their relationship.
But last Wednesday, Louise spent all of recess
in a corner of the schoolyard with Louis 2.
Remember, Louise can see Derrick and Louis 3,
but not Louis 1 or 2.
So there was an argument, and Louis 2 and Sydney got in a fight.
After Louis 2 hit Sydney, Adam hit Louis 2,
which upset Louis 3, and he hit Adam with a rock.
A freaking big rock.
-Are you with me? -Not really, no.
To be honest, it's a little confusing.
Great.
Because we're confused too.
The staff is a little bit overwhelmed.
You see, this polycule here
was set up at school by your daughter Louise.
Of course, I can't tell you how to live your life.
Do whatever you want at home, it's none of my business.
Unless it interferes with school. Then I have no choice but to intervene.
I'll have to issue Louise a warning.
And if it happens again, we'll take drastic measures.
Isn't this a bit much? I mean, it's just kids' games.
Isn't it a bit...
It's kids' games involving polycules and polyamory.
It is a bit freaking much for recess.
I agree it's a lot.
They're not playing war games. It's about love...
François, that's good.
We'll have a talk with our daughter. So sorry.
I'm not sorry.
Well, I am.
She made it sound like Louise was planning fucking Columbine 2.
And what about her use of "freaking"? Just swear, you fucking bitch!
I agree, she's a total bitch.
But could you please just talk to Louise?
Looks delicious!
So tonight, we're starting with flame-grilled octopus confit
on a bed of spiced white bean purée garnished with mustard flowers.
There's no cutlery, because this is finger food.
Just like this. Easy peasy.
Thanks again for coming, everyone,
and congrats on the scholarship, Maxine!
Yes, congrats!
We love big scholarships!
Congratulations!
Thank you for tonight. It was really amazing.
My pleasure! Glad you enjoyed it.
It was just, wow. The octopus!
-Oh yeah? -It was hot.
Yeah, food can be very...
It plays on the senses.
My partner and I were talking,
and they told me they found you very intriguing,
and we were wondering if we could offer you a glass of wine
to thank you, and to keep the evening going...
That's really nice, but I've got to pack all this up,
do the dishes, load up the...
I'll take care of it.
You can't do all this on your own!
No stress, it's fine.
Listen, we'll see.
Well, Max and I would love it if you joined us.
-Thanks. -OK.
Isn't it a bit late for a glass of wine?
Come on. This is not about wine.
-Now's the time. -For what?
For you to tell François your plans have changed tonight.
What are you talking about?
You need to wake up and embrace your sensuality.
You're hot, you're a MILF.
Oh, please.
Are you in an open relationship or not?
I'll take care of this, you go and take care of them.
OK, Dad needs a break.
-Don't tell Lily we played. -I won't.
-She'll never sleep again. -That would be horrible.
Sit normally, I wanna talk about something.
I wanna discuss your school polycule.
Did you get a scolding from Mrs. Sirois?
It wasn't a scolding, but she wasn't too happy.
Can you put an end to all that silliness?
-Why? -It's not school stuff.
Like who can do what, and with who.
Dad, that's all school is.
Who can do what, and who can't.
Well, it's childish.
Why is it childish for us, but totally fine for you?
I'm not arguing about this.
Do what I say, not what I do. That's it.
-That's your fatherly advice? -Yes. Got a problem with that?
I'm going to bed.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah?
So you'll be home late?
Would that be OK?
Well, then... bye.
Thanks, Dad. You're a lifesaver.
You're the best.
-Hi! -Hi!
Can I get a lager?
-Sure! -Thanks.
-Here you go. -Thanks.
Do you know where I can find the action?
Upstairs.
OK. Thanks.
Excuse me,
is there like a straight area and a gay area, or...?
I'd say this place is mostly straight.
So where are the women?
Sorry!
You OK?
Sorry, whenever I have an orgasm,
I giggle.
I can't control it! Sorry. -Don't be.
It's nice to see!
François and I kinda have this rule about hygiene and oral sex.
You think I might not be clean?
No! Not at all! That's not it.
Please don't think... No.
It's just... I'm the one who came up with that rule, for François,
and not for me, so... It's so stupid.
For a moment, I kinda was outside my body...
-It's fine. -Don't mind me.
I'm done, I'm done.
-No, no! I'm so sorry! -It's good.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Let's just forget that!
-Hey. -Great poutine, eh?
Yeah, surprisingly so.
You're pissed?
It's 3 am.
I hear your disappointment,
but I didn't leave the girls alone.
My dad was here.
I called you at 10 pm.
You called your dad that late because you weren't the one having sex.
Do you realize how selfish that is?
The worst part is,
this has been one of my best nights in a while,
and I couldn't wait to tell you all about it.
ACT 4
You're so annoying! And you suck!
-Mom! -What?
Louise is being mean! She told me I suck!
Great.
Well, it's true.
Mind toning it down? We've got guests.
You're in luck, Suzanne is a pro with the recorder.
Really?
-That's how she seduced me. -Really? With a recorder?
You gotta play now.
All you gotta do to improve is practice.
-I could teach you. -I'm gonna practice now!
Please stop!
-You've got a lovely family. -Totally.
I'd love to have kids, and put their pictures on the fridge.
It's not our best one but we think it's funny.
It's what I imagine having a family would look like.
Yeah, something like that.
Why don't you have kids?
I've had two long-term relationships with men
that lasted four and six years,
and I guess polyamory was fine for sex and intimacy,
but when it came time to discuss starting a family,
they both got scared and ended the relationship.
So I never met the right person,
until Max.
-And we'll see. -Yeah. I'm not opposed to it.
I'm just getting older and don't wanna miss the boat.
I dunno, I don't think it's like that anymore.
There's much more room now
to create new models that suit us better.
We have to blow that whole model up, you know...
Yeah.
-I couldn't agree more. -Yeah.
-I guess I can still wait. -Yeah. It's really interesting.
Like it's her project, you know.
-Exactly! -Yeah, why worry, you know?
You're right. I know women who became moms at 44.
Totally.
It's fine.
All good.
What?
What are you doing?
-Relaxing. -Right.
You can go back, I'm fine.
Come on, don't start with the attitude.
-I'm not. -Well...
When I felt excluded, I stepped back and let you do your thing.
I didn't slam the door.
-I know I'm being a child. -Yes, you are.
I don't just feel excluded sexually.
-You see these chicks a lot. -"This couple."
"This couple." I dunno, it's weird.
Plus, the girls don't understand.
Dinner was a blast for the girls.
Maybe, but they don't understand.
I don't know, it's complicated.
I thought you'd be more understanding.
So did I.
Daddy?
Yes?
Could you turn down the volume? Lily and I wanna talk to you.
What is it?
Are you and Mom still together?
Yes, we're still together.
Are you going to stay open for a long time?
Hard to say, sweetie.
It's not really the kind of thing you plan out. I dunno.
Because Lily and I don't really like that you and Mom are open.
Yeah, we don't like it.
You don't? Why?
Because when you told us you were doing that,
you said you'd both be happier.
But you don't seem happier.
Listen, you're kinda right.
These days, Dad is...
maybe a little unhappier,
but that...
that has nothing to do with you girls or with the open relationship.
It's mostly about...
I dunno.
It's like I have this knot in my stomach...
and it's making it a little harder for me to be happy.
But are you happy sometimes?
Of course.
Of course I'm happy sometimes.
You wanna know what makes me the happiest?
Yeah.
Sometimes, at night,
before I go to bed, I stop by your room to watch you sleep.
Sometimes you're dreaming, sometimes just sleeping peacefully.
I don't know,
it fills me with joy and pride to be your dad.
And feeling all that...
I dunno,
all the love I have for you fills my heart,
and it makes me happy.
Wait.
You watch us sleep?
Sure.
-Don't watch us sleep! -Why not?
Well, it's weird.
Weird? I'm your dad. Mom does it too.
-She watches us sleep too?! -Ew!!!
Well, you better stop that right now!
From now on, neither you nor Mom can watch us sleep!
Great, now nothing'll make me happy.
ACT 5
Fucking shit!
-This? -Not really.
These are cables, not chains.
There.
What about this?
I dunno, you decide. This one's 3/8.
Maybe that one?
Why can't we just go to a sex shop?
You can find the same stuff at a hardware store
for a fraction of the price.
So?
-Dunno. This feels weird. -Who cares, the clerk's like 16.
How do we cut it? With this thing?
Dunno...
Hey, bud!
-It's just chains. -At least take them off!
Yeah, well... it's hard to lock.
-Now it's locked. -Great.
-Is it tight enough for you? -It's perfect.
-I don't wanna hurt you. -I have a safe word.
Oh yeah? What?
Machine gun.
-Machine gun? -Yep.
All right.
-All set up. -Great.
I'll take that.
-Ow, fucking hell! -Sorry!
-Did I hurt you? -Yes!
So sorry!
Well, that was the goal but maybe try something else?
OK, so not this one.
Ready?
So I use this on your butt?
-You need a user manual? -I dunno!
Don't look at me. Eye contact makes me self-conscious.
-Was that OK? -The goal is to achieve a steady rhythm,
and build to a crescendo.
Don't think about it, just go.
Better.
-Machine gun. -No, that's my safe word.
I know, but I can't do it. So, "machine gun."
I'm sorry, but I don't enjoy inflicting pain.
I know you like this, but I don't.
Machine gun. I hate it. Sorry. Let's try something else.
Undo my chains.
I can't shake the fucking feeling
that everything I say or want to do with you is wrong
and I'm fucking fed up!
I want us to try stuff together,
but you want to hang out with Suzanne and Max,
and you don't give a fuck about me.
Don't give a fuck? I only agreed to this to make you happy!
-Yeah, 'cause I'm so happy right now! -Everything I do is for you!
I give so many fucks about you that I forgot myself completely!
I've been asking you for a year to go see a shrink!
-Again with the depression shit. -You are depressed!
-I'm fine! -Just admit it! Why is it so taboo?
-Get over yourself! I'm fine! -Just admit it!
I've held things together for you, and it's been hard,
while you decided an open relationship would be better than therapy.
But, surprise! It's not!
You're always down, you're not fucking,
and now I'm the bitch who doesn't care?
Give me a fucking break!
Fine, let's be honest, opening us up was a shitty idea!
A stupid fucking shitty idea!
I just wanted to try something to save us!
'Cause I do need you! And the girls do too--
-Don't bring the girls into this! -You're never here!
-That's a fucking cheap shot! -You're gone four nights a week!
Oh my God, the girls had absolutely nothing to do with you opening us up!
Are you kidding me?!
You just wanna stop because you're not getting any!
As usual, all you care about is your dick!
Sorry, but you knew this was a possibility all along.
-No! No, I didn't! -Guess it's collateral damage.
I didn't know you'd fall in love! Or I'd have written it on the board!
The number one rule is,
don't fucking fall in love with anyone else!
And now you're silent.
Jesus Christ.
It's not like I'm sitting on my ass.
I'm looking for solutions. I'm putting in the work.
But she couldn't give less of a fuck. It's crazy, man.
Yeah. I guess.
Relationships are complicated.
Then again...
Then again?
Never mind.
I doubt you want a lecture from a kid with zero responsibilities.
I mean, you've got some.
Fuck all. I've got zero responsibilities.
Of course you do, you're not a house plant!
Bro, I'm 25.
I do whatever I want, whenever I want. And I do whoever I want.
Plus I'm in a stress-free relationship.
Our parents pay for the condo,
and my job is to go on the internet four hours a day.
So, no responsibilities whatsoever.
Do you know why you've been crashing here for three days?
Why have I been crashing here?
Because I needed a break and you're my friend.
Aw, thanks.
Thanks?
-Well, it's nice to hear. -I've called you my friend before.
-You're my friend too. -Thanks, it's nice to hear.
We've known each other for four years, right?
I think you're here because
all your 40-year-old bros have the same responsibilities you do,
and you didn't want to crash on the couch
of a friend with a nice house, a wife and kids.
And yo, I get it, man.
I wouldn't trade places with you for a fucking second.
You're old, you have a mortgage, a lame job,
probably no savings whatsoever,
you've got two kids, your relationship's on the rocks...
That's a lot of fucking responsibility. I don't have any of that.
So I can't really lecture you.
Right? So I'll shut up.
Sometimes it's best to just shut the fuck up.
You're fucking chatty for someone who doesn't wanna lecture me.
-Hey! -Hi.
-I don't have a gun. -I'll lend you a shotgun.
Here. I'm giving you ammo too.
Did you have a good night, hon?
I haven't been plowed like that in ages.
Good for you, babe.
You know what? I'm gonna go.
-Not yet, the game's not over. -Forget about it.
Fuck, I can't do this on my own!
Bye, François!
Fuck! Now they swarm me?
Motherfuckers.
As long as the night comes
I'll go to the end of my days
As long as the night comes
As long as the day comes
As long as the night comes
I'll go to the end of love
-They're not here. They went to a party. -When did they leave?
Like, two or three hours ago.
I've been texting her but she's not responding.
It's stressing me the fuck out. I need to talk to her.
Take your coat off, let's have some wine and play Skip-Bo.
I don't want to play Skip-Bo.
I don't know how to handle this.
I don't get it. Doesn't it bother you?
How can you be OK with our girlfriends being in love?
You're just... Straight face.
Aren't you scared of losing Suzanne?
Suzanne loves me, I know that. And I love her too.
It's the same with you guys.
You clearly love Julie. And she loves you.
But it's a process, and this is just the beginning.
The doubts and fears you have are valid.
But so are Julie's feelings.
I hear you, and you're making a lot of sense.
But right now,
I need to talk to her.
Can you tell me where she is?
-It's a complicated kind of party. -How so?
Have you seen Eyes Wide Shut?
-Good evening. -Good evening.
-This is where the party is? -Indeed.
-And I give you the password? -Please.
Thank you, sir.
Please keep your mask on until the end of the night.
Enjoy your evening.
Fuck!
Julie! I don't mean to ruin your night, but we gotta go!
-Hi. -I'm not Julie.
Who is this?
-I don't know. -For fuck's sake. Julie?
What the fuck are you doing here?
-Maxine told me... -You went to Maxine's?
Who cares? Lily's at the hospital.
She fell down the stairs. My mom texted.
-Is she OK? -What happened?
Everything's fine. She fell down the stairs.
-The stairs? -On her way to the bathroom.
But everything's fine.
-Where is she now? -She's got a slight concussion.
They want to do a CT to be on the safe side.
Damn, your mask's ugly!
I looked a damned fool,
telling the doorman the password wearing that on my face.
-I looked so stupid. -Totally!
-What do you want? -I don't give a shit, you pick.
Good luck!
Thanks.
They're lucky.
I miss us.
I do too.
I feel like I haven't seen the François I fell in love with
for hundreds of years.
You used to be so full of life, so happy.
You were so good to me, and great with the girls.
I know. I don't know what's happening to me.
I thought I had this big fucking revelation,
but it was just bullshit and I feel worse.
I think I need help.
Please do go get help.
I've been telling you that for years.
I know.
You've told me again and again, but I never listen,
even though you're always right.
I'm not always right.
But yeah,
you never listen.
I'll pay more attention to that. And to you.
You know,
I'm really happy you've decided to work on yourself.
Really. It makes me so happy to hear.
But I'm in a good place right now
and I've kinda found something.
And I don't wanna stop
just because you decided to deal with your problems.
I just want us to find a way to be happy together.
So do I.
Do you still love me?
Of course I do, big dummy.
-Really? -Of course! I'll always love you!
I love you too.
ACT 6
Mom! Dad! Open the door!
You're taking forever! Mom! Dad!
The door's locked!
Dad!
Why is the door locked?
-Girls! -Calm down! Jesus!
We need some privacy. Mom and Dad are getting changed!
-My God, they're annoying! -I'll hold the clamp. Just press there.
-Here? -Yeah, there.
-Hold still. I don't wanna... -I am holding still. Do it.
-OK, I'm doing it now. -Do it.
You asshole!
-I really didn't wanna hurt you! -It's supposed to hurt a bit.
If you get a boner, it'll...
I wasn't planning to. We're just going to the park.
-This is absurd. -Yeah, it's weird.
-We shouldn't laugh about this. -No, we can! That's the idea.
-Really? -Yeah, laughing is good.
As long as you're happy, hon.
My shrink suggested to try new things.
And we are trying new things.
-Wanna tell her I'll be down in a sec? -Sure thing.
-How's it going? -Pretty good, you?
-How was your trip? -Relaxing. How are you?
Great.
I'm happy to see you. You look great.
-Suzanne! -"Suzanne!"
-How are you? -Good, you?
So sorry I missed your birthday party.
-Was it fun? -Unbelievable!
-Yeah? -Really!
-What did you get? -A bunny!
-Wow! -Yeah!
-What colour? -Gray with white around the eyes.
Aw!
-Edmonton. -Edmonton?
That's such a cute name!
Are we gonna be late?
-Yeah, we should go. -See you tomorrow morning!
Bye, Mom.
I love you, girls.
I love you.
-I love you. -Love you too.
I'll text you around 9pm?
9pm. I'll be there.
-Where are they going? -Dunno.
-How come? -It's not important.
Clear your plates or I take the bunny back.
Fine.
Great attitude! Thank you.
No more mittens!
But it's nice out!
You can't even aim!
-I can't? -Not at all.
Check this out!
You missed!
It's 9pm. Hope you're all tied up.
Send me a pic once you're free.
Until then, don't move a muscle.
FOLLIES
Excuse me, sir?
-Do you have any reggae? -Reggae?
No, sorry.