Downloaded from YTS.MX
Ladies and gentlemen,
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
please welcome to the stage, Frankie Quiñones!
What if that's all I did and shit? Fuck.
Don't clap. That shit, that'd be fucked up, homie, you know?
Like, never get to a punchline or anything, just...
"How was the show, man?"
"I don't know, little homie went up there and just..."
Alright, God bless you guys. Thank you.
I like beatboxing, though, homie.
Just whenever, you know?
Being a comedian,
that's one of the only professions you can beatbox.
You can't be a doctor and shit, you know?
Like...
...well, you...
...tested positive for...
...for... for... for...
Like, for what, dawg? Like, damn!
For high cholesterol.
Like, oh, shit, homie. Like, you scared me, doctor.
But that's a sick-ass beat, you know?
It's good to be here, man, in Portland, Oregon, homie.
That's what's up.
Yeah.
You guys have been showing me your love for a long time, man.
It's an honor to film my special here, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
And people are so nice here, man, you know?
You walk by strangers, it's like, "Hello." I'm like, "What the fuck?" Like...
"Like, me?" "Yes, you. Hi." Like, oh, fuck.
Like, "Hi, how are you?" You know, like...
Even the big old lumberjack white boys,
some of these fools look like they just got done cutting wood,
or you know what I mean?
And I get nervous, you know, 'cause I'm a little homie.
I'm down here.
Sometimes they don't see me, you know, and they bump into me.
I get scared. I'm like, "Oh, shit," you know?
But they're just all nice about it, you know, like, "Oh, sorry, little buddy.
"All muscle, no direction here. I'm just bumping into everything.
How you doing?" Yeah, that's what's up.
It's cool to see a big homie smile, hey, 'cause a lot of times at my shows,
I'll get like a tough-ass vato. Tough-ass vatos.
They sit right up front, you know?
Like, kind of like this dude right here, homie.
- What's your name, bro? - Fred.
Fred. Oh, shit, you're Fred. No.
But thanks for smiling, Fred. Yeah.
'Cause sometimes I get tough-ass dudes like Fred sit up front,
but they're like this the whole time, homie, like...
If I'm lucky, bro, if I'm lucky,
they'll give me one of these, they'll be like...
I'm like, bro, was that a cough or a laugh or what, you know?
But then you see him after the show,
"Hey, motherfucker, you're fucking hilarious," you know?
"Can you take a picture of me and my lady, alright?
"Don't touch her. I'll beat your ass, homie.
"But you're fucking funny, bro.
So funny, you know?"
I'm like, "Damn, I didn't see you laugh not one time during the show, you know,
but I'm glad you enjoyed it in your mind or whatever, you know?" Like...
That's interesting, homie.
Scientifically, you know, to pull that off, just...
"I'm having the time of my life," you know?
"Oh, wow, so fun."
Like, damn. Like, they need to study that, you know?
Like, wow.
I'm grateful I grew up around different types of people.
Mostly Mexicans. Um...
I know there's different types of Mexicans, right?
I understand that. I learned that the more I traveled.
I'm like, "Oh, shit, we're not all the same," you know?
But the Mexicans I grew up around, we did a lot of interesting things, man.
Like, whenever a Mexican in my neighborhood or family
would ask you a question and you would give them the answer,
their response would always be the same, bro, every time.
Just, "Damn, that's crazy." Like, what?
Like my cousin asked me the other day, he goes, "Hey, primo."
I said, "What's up, man?" He's like, "How'd you get over here?"
"Actually, I drove my car." He goes, "Damn, that's crazy," you know?
It's like, no, man, no, it's not crazy at all, you know?
Like, people drive their cars literally all the time,
like by the millions and shit, you know, across the planet and stuff.
I guess it's crazy to you, though, you know?
Man, that energy from a healthy white woman laugh feels good, bro.
You know?
It's like, dang, like the holidays, you know?
Abundance, you know? Like, wow.
But seriously, white women, thank you for that energy.
No, because seriously, man,
sometimes when I'm depressed or down and out,
I'll go to brunch by myself somewhere nice
just to hear that laugh, man, to get that motivation and all that.
"Bills are paid."
It's like, fuck. "Thank you, mija."
Congratulations, you know? Like, what a life.
Just all the nutrients since the beginning, homie.
Top shelf, you know? You can hear the healthiness in the la--
"Let's get another fucking mimosa, bitch."
It's like...
"You're such a fucking whore, I love you." Like, fuck. Just thriving.
So dope, you know?
But I like white girls, man.
I dated a white woman for a long time, almost four years.
Yeah, she was a hippie, bro, yeah.
We still stay in touch, right? Real cool person.
We smoked a lot of weed together, had a lot of good conversation.
You know, I actually met her at an open mic, right?
This was years ago. I was going to work out some shit,
and it turned out to be one of those mixed open mics
where you could do whatever you want,
you know, like comedy, music, or like spoken word poetry.
You know, and she went up there doing that shit, you know?
She came up to the stage with her crystals and energies and fuck, you know?
Then she introduced herself.
Um, we weren't ready for that, you know?
She goes, "My name is Sun Diamond."
We're like, "Oh, fuck." Okay.
Like, Sun Diamond?
Like, she's about to shoot for real, homie, you know?
And she didn't waste no time, man, you know?
She got up there and got right to it. She's like, "Intergalactic memories.
"Moving to eternal galaxies.
"But no, I digress.
"And oh...
"Oh, my goodness, what's this?
"I'm in a tornado.
"But I'm in the center where it's calm, motionless, raindrops drip,
"drip into my palm and into my soul, into my soul.
"And oh...
"Oh, my goodness, what's this?
"Hmm.
Hmm."
"What is it, you guys?
"Oh! Oh.
"It's a sunflower petal falling ever so gently through the mist.
"And where's it falling?
"It's falling on my foot, so I kick it back up, kick it back up,
"into my soul, into my soul.
"Dominate.
"Dominate, dominate, dominate, dominate.
Seduce. Sun Diamond."
And I was like, "What the fuck was that?" You know, like...
I honestly felt bad, man. I did, you know?
'Cause I had no idea what she was trying to say.
I was like, "What?"
But I was attracted to it, you know?
Like, fuck, what is that? You know, let's kick it.
Something different, you know?
But the night that I met this girl, man, I was so grateful, you know?
'Cause the night that I met her, you know, I learned from her.
You know, that you don't need to fully understand something,
uh, to have sex with it, you know what I mean?
Just-- just focus on the positive vibes, you know what I'm saying?
It's like, fuck, thank you, mija.
The connection, it feels good, you know?
I dated a zookeeper one time.
Um...
True story, man, that was a trip. You know, I was on the dating apps.
I put the radius like, aye, forever.
Um, you know, I checked all the boxes of interest, man.
Yeah, I'm into all that shit. Uh...
It was desperate times, you know?
And I ended up matching with this lady from Santa Barbara, right?
She worked at the Santa Barbara Zoo, man.
She would drive all the way down to LA to come kick it with me.
That's a good two, sometimes four-hour drive.
So, I was honored. And we laughed a lot together.
She was all into animals and stuff. It was a good time.
It just got interesting during sex, though, uh,
'cause she started quizzing me on animal sounds.
Like, she wanted me to be up on my animal game,
and that was her technique.
That was really awkward for me, you know, 'cause it was a new relationship, bro.
I'm trying to put it down. I'm on top doing my breathing.
Hey, you know.
Hey.
And she'd be like, "You ready?" I'm like, "Uh, ready for what, mija?
We're already doing it." You know, like...
She's like, "No, babe. The quiz." I'm like, "Oh, yeah. Uh, the quiz."
You know? She'd be like...
Fuck, I don't know, is that a red robin or-- you know?
Then she would get to the advanced level.
That would trip me out. You know, she'd be like...
Like, fuck, that sounds exotic. Is that a Tasmanian macaw or what?
And then she was like...
I'm like, "Fuck, is that a donkey?"
She goes, "No, that's me, silly." I was like, "Oh, fuck."
I'm like, "What an interesting creature," you know?
Like, it was a trip to hear those sounds coming out of her like that
in those moments, you know?
We always had that one homegirl in the crew who was always announcing
how down she is to get fucked up.
"I'll get all fucked up tonight," you know?
I have the babysitter till Monday. Like, fuck, for three days, cabrona?
Like, that's... Like, you have kids, you know?
That's crazy, dude.
And she was always the one you had to carry out of the club too, man,
or the bar, you know?
Fuck, man.
Usually, it was one of my primas.
A lot of my female cousins are of a bigger size.
Nothing wrong with that, but they like to fucking party, homie.
I mean, they get after it, you know?
The club lights come on, they're holding their heels in their hand,
the bottom of their patas are all black and brown, you know?
They're all emotional, "I'm fucked-- I'm fucked up.
Carry me, we're familia. Carry me."
It's like, "You're too heavy," you know? Like, that's crazy you're asking me that.
I'm a little homie, you know? I'll get injured.
But I like gorditas, man. You know, I got nothing against them.
Yeah.
All the white people are like, "Oh, shit, he's getting Mexican here."
No, I'm just kidding.
My man on the end, what's your name, bro?
- Marco. - Marco?
Did you try to make it exotic on purpose?
Yeah.
Uh..." Mark... uh-uh-oh." Yeah.
Do you know what a jaina is, Marco?
A jaina? Yeah, that's a lady.
Yeah, there you go. So-- Yeah. Hey! Watch out, Marco!
Ah!
Okay, so a jaina is like a chick, a girl, for those that don't know.
A gordita is a jaina of a bigger size, right?
Nothing wrong with that.
A torta literally means sandwich,
but we use it as slang for a jaina who's just as big as a gordita,
but way more aggressive, homie, you know what I'm saying?
Yeah. They come at you like all pro fullbacks, bro, like,
"Hey, let's get after it." Like, oh, shit. Like, damn.
Like, that energy's incredible, you know, like...
So, you know, back when I used to drink a little too much,
I was at-- at the bar, and I was talking to this gordita, really cool girl.
We were laughing a lot, having some fun.
And she goes, "Oh, Frankie, I'm so embarrassed.
I spilled some of my drink on myself." I go, "Oh, me too." Like, damn.
Like, I could relate in this moment.
But she goes, "Hey, Frankie,
like, after the bar closes, let's go kick it after."
I said, "Oh, shiz," right? I'm down, you know?
I said, "I live with my primo, but I have my own room and everything,
and he has his own room, so don't trip."
She was like, "Okay, that's all good, but let's stop at 7-Elevens."
And I said, "Hey, like, I have condoms,
everything we need to be healthy and safe at the house already."
She said, "Nah, fool, it's not that." She goes, "I'm hungry." And I go, "Ah."
You know, so she brought me into her world, man.
'Cause we went, that's when they have all the fresh comida,
you know, at 7-Elevens, 2:30, 3:00 a.m., you know?
And we went, bro.
She had the little key chain, like the tarjeta, you know.
She was a member of 7-Eleven, homie. I was like, "Damn."
I asked her, I said, "Is this national?" She said, "Yeah, all locations."
You know, so I said, "Dang." Like, let's go somewhere, you know?
So we went, bro. We went to 7-Elevens.
You know, we got a discount, so we got pizza, chicken wings,
and Slurpees también, you know?
We went back to the house, and she was cool, man.
She was funny, making me laugh.
She had a beautiful smile, you know, just a bigger size,
but she moved good and everything, and, uh...
But then she changed the music, you know?
She slowed it down...
Like-- like insinuating she wanted to do sexual things, you know?
And I was like, "Eh." So, I got a little nervous.
Um, but then, true story, bro.
She pulled one of the buffalo wings out of the box.
And like I said, we got it fresh, bro,
so smoke was still coming off it, you know?
She's all waving it around like that.
I was, like, following the smoke, like, ah, you know, like...
But then we made eye contact through the smoke, bro.
I was like, "Oh, shit," you know?
And she's all, "Come here right now," you know?
And I was like, "What the fuck?"
But she kept eye contact, you know?
She goes, "Quit being a little bitch and come here," you know.
So I said, "Fuck."
So, I made my approach, you know, like,
'cause I'm not a little bitch like that, you know, and, uh...
She goes, "Take a bite," you know?
And I took a bite, and the wing was good, man.
I said-- I said, "Get down, 7-Elevens," you know?
Like, sh... it was good, bro.
But then, she grabbed the back of my head and pushed it into the bone, like, oh!
And I was like...
But then we started macking, bro, like around the bone, you know?
Around the carne, you know?
We were doing like Lady and the Tramps, hey, but with a buffalo wing, you know?
Yeah, we're getting down, man.
My man.
So after we finished the wing, bro, she pushed me back on the bed.
She went like that. I said, "Oh, dang," you know?
Then, she got on top of me. I was defenseless, you know?
Then I got a little nervous, homie, 'cause, you know, I'm a little homie.
She's of a bigger size.
But then I just felt warmth, homie, you know?
Like, I felt like I was being hugged from every direction, homie, you know?
And at that time in my life, I needed it.
I said, gracias a Dios por eso, por mi espíritu,
my soul, my spirit.
I was in there trapped like a little hot dog,
but all happy, homie, just, oh!
But then, my cousin opened the door on us. He goes, "Hey, primo."
I said, "What's up?" He goes, "Oh, hey, I can't see you right now."
I said, "Nah, don't trip, homie. I'm underneath, but I'm breathing.
I'm having a good time," you know?
So, he closed the door, and we continued the night, you know?
We-- we poured Slurpees all over each other and had fun, man,
and there's nothing wrong with that, nothing wrong with that.
Two single people had a connection.
I hate when people judge other people, man.
You know, I wouldn't-- I wouldn't judge her.
I hope she didn't judge me, you know?
Or she'd probably call her homegirls the next morning, like,
"Hey, I hooked up with this little-ass homie last night."
It's okay to have a little fun.
Just keep your priorities straight and handle business, homie,
you know what I'm saying?
My mom and dad taught me that, you know?
I love my mom and dad, man.
Me and my mom and dad, we're real close, right?
They had me at a young age, so now we're just homies and shit.
Like, "eh," you know?
But they always had positive energy in the house, man, no matter what.
They kept it positive.
You know, like, "No, Frankie. Positive vibes, mijo."
Alright, Mom and Dad, that's what's up, you know?
I mean, they would still beat the shit outta me, you know what I'm saying,
but fucking positive vibes, cabrón, you know?
Lead with gratitude. Ow.
Those was real good vibes, man.
You know? And they worked their ass off, man.
They were always in over their heads for their kids, you know?
So, one thing we struggled with was the bills.
And getting the water and power turned off was like a regular occurrence
in our household growing up, right?
But my dad was apprenticing to be a carpenter, bro, you know?
And he came up on a water key.
And, uh, the city would come and turn our water off,
but he'd sneak back out there, turn it back on,
everybody take a shower real quick, and he'd turn it back off.
And then we would go to church like, "Hey, we're good people,"
you know, like...
But when the power was gonna get turned off, my mom was ready, bro.
You know it's coming, you get a little pink slip on the door, right?
So, she had one of those old-school boom boxes,
you know, with the double-D batteries in there?
She would bring it out into the living room, bro,
light a bunch of candles, and we'd have a little dance party.
Me and my sister, like, hey, you know?
It was like we were for-pretends camping, you know, like, ah.
My mom's like, "You're my little Bigfoot, homie."
Roar, yeah, yeah.
That's how powerful music is, though, man, you know what I'm saying?
It's a powerful thing, yeah.
Hell yeah.
You could be having a fucked-up day, the worst day of your life.
You know, just like, "Damn, my life's fucked up, homie."
You know? But all of a sudden, a car drives by playing your jam.
You're like, "Ah, shit, I'll be alright, you know? Fuck it."
I can still walk and shit, you know?
So, my mom and dad to this day always have jams playing in the house.
Music, you know. And they play everything, bro.
You know, salsa, rancheras, mariachi, you know, cumbias.
Everything, you know? Oldies, rock music even.
But their religion is old-school funk, bro.
That's their shit, you know?
I mean, yeah.
They went to Rick James' funeral. Like, my sister's name is Teena Marie.
Like, it's like that, homie.
They used to have three chihuahuas named Earth, Wind, and Fire, homie.
Like, truly, I'm serious, bro. It's like, dang, we get it.
You guys like this shit. You know, like...
But it was cool, though, man, 'cause they always kept that positive energy in there,
and they kept working their way up, we kept working our way up.
We went from a one-bedroom apartment, bro, to a cul-de-sac, right?
And I was like, dang. Like, there was white people and shit.
I was like, "Ah." You know?
And then I remember my mom and dad got me my first pair of Rollerblades, bro.
And I was the first one in the family. I have a lot of cousins.
I was the first one to have Rollerblades.
And I was out there, hey, you know.
My cousins weren't even mad. They're like, "He's doing that for us."
You know, I was like...
But you know, my mom started getting jealous, bro,
of the life that her and my dad were providing me.
And that's kind of a mindfuck
to see a parent get jealous of the life they're providing you.
'Cause my mom's from the projects, bro. She didn't have nothing.
So, she saw me with Rollerblades, like, oh, you know, "Wow."
Yeah.
Like, I be trying to Rollerblade away. She goes, "Hey," and I turn around.
She's like, "Oh, so you got a little white friend down the street, huh?"
I go, "Yeah, Mom, he's pretty cool. He's nice to me, you know?"
"And you got your little Rollerblades and shit? Wow."
Yeah.
I go, "Yeah, like, you and Dad bought 'em for me, you know?"
She goes, "Come here," and I skate up to her.
She goes, "Don't forget where the fuck you came from, alright?"
I go, "Okay, Mom, I love you." "Yeah, I love you, too."
And I'm like, "Oh, shit."
Like, that was weird, you know?
That's that real shit, man, you know?
She always keeps me humble, man.
But you know, even though we had a good life, we had our struggles, you know?
A lot of us go through crazy shit as kids. I went through some crazy shit.
And you want to escape, right? You try to find ways to escape.
And we couldn't afford to go to Aspen, you know?
So, uh, so I started doing characters, bro.
I started becoming other people to escape, just,
"Ah, I'm this fool now, eh," you know?
I would find whatever I could.
I found an old sprinkler head in my dad's work truck.
I would pretend it was a microphone. I'd do performances.
I would imitate people, you know?
I'd be like, "Hey, I'm the tiny Mexican James Brown, you know?"
And I'd be like... "Hey! Orale! Wow." You know?
But then, I kept developing these characters, right?
And, uh, some of 'em you know now. You know, my main man is Creeper.
That's my dude, yeah.
For those that don't know, yeah, he's a cholo fitness instructor.
You know, he's got a routine called Cholo Fit.
You know?
And it gets results, homie.
But yeah, I was drawing from the people around me
and, uh, you know, the closest to me.
And Creeper came from my dad, man. My dad was an old-school cholo.
You know, he's Dickies crease, Chuck Taylors,
white tee, or the Pendleton.
Always had the-- the palm comb with the three flowers, hey, homie.
Always had a lowrider, right?
Used to have a '65 Impala with a chain steering wheel, homie.
Just, hey, his forearms were all buff
'cause those don't come with power steering.
Just for the look of it, sacrifice, you know, like...
His best friend baptized me, my nino, my godfather.
He was president of Viejito's Car Club for over 30 years, right?
So, I was always around the positive side of the culture.
You know, my dad's one of the most positive people I know, man.
Always, "Hey, mijo. Work hard, treat people with respect."
I'm like, "Alright, Dad, that's what's up."
"Or I'll beat your ass." "Oh, okay, yeah, Dad."
That's what's up. That's that dude, man.
And even though, man, you know, he's one of those positive people,
you know, he's got a past just like a lot of us do,
but I remember one time
we ran into one of his old-school homies, Henry, right?
You know, and Henry started bringing up old shit in front of my mom.
It got weird, homie, real quick.
Homies do that to each other sometimes. Like, we got to stop, you know, like...
But it was a long time ago, right?
We were at the mall, you know, my whole family was there.
You know? And I was a little kid.
My sister was there. She was a little kid, too.
Then my dad. And then my mom. That's my dad's wife. You know?
And, uh...
And my dad runs into his friend Henry, right?
Little pudgy dude with a limp, you know?
We just hear his voice from across the mall.
"Hey!
Hey, Lorenzo! Hey, homie!"
My dad turns around.
"Henry?" "Hey, homie!
I knew that was you, eh! How you been, eh?"
My dad's like, "I've been good, man."
"Hey, homie, remember that time we went to TJ, homie?
We got all fucked up," you know?
My dad's like, "Uh, yeah, Henry,
"but that was a long time ago, you know, uh...
"I-I got a family now, you know?
A wife. She's right here, you know?"
He goes, "Hey, homie, remember you got so fucked up,
"you hooked up with that lady, she had one leg, homie!
Te acuerdas, she had one leg!"
My dad's like, "No, Henry, that wasn't me, you know?"
"Nah, it was you, eh?
"You remember you left the door cracked so we could watch, te acuerdas.
"You had her one good leg up like that. You got down, homie!
You got down!"
My dad's like, "Fuck, bro," you know?
My mom's red. Smoke coming out of her ears, bro.
She's so pissed.
Really awkward moment, you know?
But me and my sister just looked at each other like,
"Damn, like, Dad hooked up with a one-legged jaina?
"Like, that's fucking... That's pretty cool, you know?
Like, one love, you know?"
I went through my little wannabe cholo stage myself, homie,
'cause I used to work at that swap meet with my dad, right?
He would wake me up, bro, like at 4:00 a.m. on a Saturday.
Like, you don't want to do that shit as a kid,
like, it's still dark outside, you know?
But you had to go get in line at the swap meet to get a good spot, right?
And we would sell plants, legal plants, you know?
But that's where I got my first pair of Dickies, you know, my white tee.
And I wanted to be down with the homies and holler at some cholas
and shit, you know?
But I take it home, my mom's like, "You're not wearing that shit."
My dad's like, "No, no, let him, let him."
He's like, "Hey, but if you're gonna do it, you're gonna do it right, mijo."
This fool wake me up like 5:30 in the morning, bro,
make me crease my Dickies, right?
Make me crease my white tee, tuck it in.
And it lasted maybe two, three months, homie, you know what I'm saying?
But on the real, though, I got sprung on the wrong chola
and I got jumped in a bathroom, you know?
Homie, I got 12 staples in my head, you know?
I was immediately like, "You know what?
I think I'm gonna be an artist, you know?"
I switched back to Bugle Boy jeans and cargo shorts and shit.
Just like...
But yeah, some of my family believed in me.
Most didn't. Uh... Nah.
But I've been doing this shit a long time, right?
Coming on 20 years, bro, you know what I mean?
And, uh, yeah, thank you.
So, I remember when I was ten years in, right?
I started when I was 25, when I first grabbed a mic,
so I was ten years in.
I'm 35 years old, broke as fuck, sleeping on my homie's couch.
You know, he's charging me 200 bucks a month
'cause, hey, he believed in me.
Uh, but I didn't get nobody pregnant, you know,
so I was able to pursue my dreams and, uh, be a starving artist.
But that was weird for a lot of my family, right?
'Cause there's no 35-year-old male on either side of my family
that doesn't have kids and shit, you know?
It was awkward, especially for my grandma on my dad's side.
Bless her heart, rest in peace, she was a real one,
but she would talk papas all day, bro.
Just sit on her recliner, just talk shit all day.
She had no other explanation why I'd be 35 with no kids,
so she started telling the rest of the family that I was gay.
You know, it was like...
"Pues tienes 35 años y no tienes hijos, eres gay, you know?"
So, I had to explain to her.
I said, "No, grandma, abuelita,
like, you can pull out, you know?"
And, uh...
She looked at me baffled, homie, like, "Que?"
You know, like...
Like, she didn't get the science of it. Like, eh? Eh? You know, like...
What?
But thankfully, man, gracias a Dios,
you know, when I was 36 it started popping for me.
I started making TV money, touring money. You know, I started paying my bills.
I bought a home. I'm a homeowner in Los Angeles.
City I was born in, you know what I'm saying?
Yeah, you don't gotta clap, yeah.
It's only a one-bedroom condo, hey, but-- but fuck it, I own that bitch,
you know what I'm saying?
And it is two stories, too, you know what I mean?
So, I'll be like, "Hey, I'm down here right now, but shh,
I might want to go up there, you know what I'm saying?"
That option's available.
You know, and all that.
But, yeah, man, I do have a big-ass family.
There's a lot of cousins, right? A lot of primos.
My-- my dad's Mexican, my mom's Native American,
so it's like, we're fertile, bro, on both sides, you know?
Both my set of grandparents got a bunch of kids, too,
so I meet new cousins every year, you know?
Especially after I made it on TV, you know, like,
"Hey, primo, we always believed in you, you know?
Can we get free tickets?"
I'm like, "Oh!" Like, uh, "What's your name?"
Um, you know?
Nah, but it-- it is cool when they can verify it.
Like, "Fuck, we are cousins, you're already 38.
I'm just meeting you for the first time."
You know, like...
But I love 'em, man, and a lot of us did grow up close, right?
A big group of us did. But statistically, there's a lot of us,
so some are gonna be dumb, you know?
Like, I got one cousin.
Uh, he's pretty dumb.
Um, and he doesn't have a job, homie, so it's like, fuck, you know?
Like, double whammy, you know, like...
But he's, like, the first one out of all of us,
always wants to bring up and discuss, like, world topics and issues
and, like, debate about politics and shit like that.
We have to be like, "Hey, man, you gotta calm down with all that, you know?
You need a job to talk about those things, you know?" Like...
"Oh, what? What?"
But the dumb shit, I could deal with, right?
But the ignorance, that's a whole nother thing, man.
I'm constantly talking shit to this fool.
He still makes, like, the played-out homophobic comments and shit.
Like, "Hey, you're gay, like, you know, like that,
how you love it, you love it, you love it."
Like, "No, I don't love it, man, and what are you doing?
"Like, we're at Target, you know, like...
That's weird behavior, people are staring at you, you know, like..."
But as dumb as this fool is, he's still my familia.
He's still my primo, still my sangre, all that good stuff.
I'm stuck with him, man, so I do try to help him out when I can.
Like, a few weeks ago, I took him to lunch.
You know, it was a Tuesday. I knew he'd be available.
And, uh, we're driving down the street, right?
And he always makes these stupid little comments.
We're driving down the street, take him to a nice sushi lunch.
Maybe the meal will help his dumb mind out, like, oh, ah.
You know?
But we see two dudes walking down the street holding hands, right?
Not a big deal, everyday sight. But he's in the passenger seat, you know?
He sees these guys walking.
And he looks at me, he's like, "Ugh!"
And I'm like, "Ugh? Where's that coming from?"
He's like, "Well, you know, you know."
And I'm like, "No, I don't know," you know?
And then he's like, "Oh, 'cause they're holding hands
and they're on their way to do their gay activities and everything."
I'm like, "Gay activities? What's their gay activities?"
"Oh, well, ramming each other, probably." You know?
I was like, "Wait, wait, let me get this straight.
So, you're picturing these fools ramming in your mind right now? Like..."
He's all, "Oh..."
I'm like, "You're the gayest fool in this whole situation right now, dude."
It was sad I had to explain to him. I said, "Hey, homie,
the only sexual activity going on right now is in your mind."
That's fucking crazy. "Oh, what? What?"
I'm like, these dudes are holding hands, you know?
They're probably not even thinking about that shit, they're probably like,
"Fuck, we're out of avocados. It's Randall's birthday on Wednesday.
What are we gonna get him? Because Randall's our dog."
They have other activities, homie.
So much other shit to do besides ramming, you know? It's crazy.
You could see him doing the calculations in his dumb-ass head, like,
"Oh, yeah, I guess they do have other activities, you know?"
Yeah, homie, they gotta eat, everything, you know?
It's crazy. Fucking dumbass.
'Cause I don't play that shit, man.
You gotta let a motherfucker be themselves, you know?
Like I had a uncle, a tío, who I always thought was gay, bro.
And I was like, "Hey, tío, just come out. I know you're gonna get a lot of backlash
"from the family, but a lot of us are gonna support you
and help you, you know?"
But he ended up getting married. He has three kids now, you know?
That doesn't mean he's not gay. He kinda just pulled it off, you know?
But growing up, bro, at the family barbecues.
You know, we're like 11, 12 years old. You know, they're always on the weekends.
And he was always in soccer tournaments on the weekends,
so he would show up in his little soccer shorts, a little too short, you know?
But his legs were all muscular and tan. He was always hopping around, you know?
And he had the Mexican mullet, like the paisa mullet.
Like, "Ah, fuck. Ah."
I'm like, "Tío, stay still. I'm trying to give you a plate of asada."
Like, "Ah, dámelo, ah."
'Sup, big homie, bro?
- How you doing? - I'm from LA too, bro.
What's up? Why you talking like that when you're white?
Oh, you're Mexicano? Oh, you're the güerito.
Yeah, that's what's up.
Damn, that's crazy. Look.
Nah, thanks for coming, bro.
Thanks for coming, bro. I appreciate it. Hell yeah.
The güeritos are out there. We got Canelo and all that shit, yeah.
It's crazy, man. That's why I trip out, uh, when you meet hippies.
A lot of times hippies-- and God bless the hippies.
I dated one for almost four years.
But a lot of times, you go to their house and their house is a little dirty.
You know, they like to bring some of the earth inside with them, you know, uh...
But they'll always have some kind of sign,
either in their front yard or a sticker in their front window that says, like,
"Oh, save the Earth." Or...
It's like, dang, like, clean your house, you know? Like...
That's crazy you have that sign out there like that, like...
But I do think we should be good to the Earth while we're here, for sure, man.
I think that's important, you know?
But you know, to be s-selfish and think we're in charge of the planet.
Like, the planet's been here billions of years.
Billions, bro.
The dinosaurs already got us beat.
They were here 165 million years. We've been here six million.
I hate to burst your bubble,
but I don't think we're gonna make it another 159 million years,
you know what I'm saying?
But I trip out on that.
The dinosaurs, 165 million years. "Hey, we run this shit."
And the T-Rex was the metal-metal, the OG on the block.
"I run this game, rawr."
But all that strength and all that power,
and when he's ramming his lady, he can never slap her ass, homie,
or grab the waist 'cause-- 'cause of his little arms.
All that dino dick and he can't slap the ass, bro.
Just like...
That's why the guy's roaring all the time. He's fucking pissed, man.
I mean, it's right there. Just...
Other dinosaurs talk shit, you know?
Couple pterodactyls in the tree. "Look at this fool, cousin.
"He can't even slap the ass.
Oh, shit, he heard us. Go."
Like, that really happened.
That's crazy to think about, you know, for millions of years.
We never know what's gonna happen, bro, you know?
I tell you what, at the end of 2019, that was when I started saving up money.
I was like, oh, it's happening, finally. You know, 2020 is coming.
I got my condo in February of 2020.
This gonna be my year, finally.
And then, nah, you know?
That was a fucked-up-ass year, homie, you know?
And I'll never forget this, right?
I was touring with one of my best friends, Craig Robinson.
We're on the East Coast. I'm in Buffalo, New York, right?
It's like March 10th, 11th, leading up to the bullshit.
We're in the hotel lobby watching the news. Everybody's like, what?
'Cause we were just doing our thing out there, we're like, "What are you
talking about, shutting everything down? Is this really gonna happen?"
We end up being one of the last flights, bro,
to be from JFK, New York, to LAX, right?
They didn't even let us in the terminal. They put everybody in stairs.
Everybody's tripping, but we made it back.
We get back to LAX. It's shutting down already.
Call my family.
"Hey, you guys, I made it back. This shit's crazy, but I'm at LAX.
"I'll come over. We'll hunker down together.
We're gonna get through this."
And they were like, "Nah, mijo, you're tripping. Uh...
"Like, you're over there doing comedy shows and meet-and-greets
"and high-fiving folks at the airport and shit,
like, 'Hey, positive vibes,' you know?"
They're like, "Keep your positive vibes right there in your two stories, uh...
Like, we don't know what this shit is." I'm like, "Fuck, alright."
And I don't do well alone, you know what I'm saying?
I could live alone, but I gotta get this shit in.
Like, hey, what's up, people? Gente energy.
Then I get, hey, by myself, you know?
But when it was just that, homie, ah, like the walls come in on me.
You know, I start thinking weird shit.
What does your existence even mean?
We're all gonna die anyway. The T-Rex. Ah, fuck.
You know? Like, fuck.
But then, I thought, okay, maybe silver lining here, you know?
Maybe an opportunity to work on myself.
So, I started doing that shit, homie. I started drinking tea and shit.
Never drank no fucking tea, homie.
I'm drinking tea, reading self-help books,
trying to face my demons and become a better person,
but that shit got played out quick, man.
I'm like, "Fuck that, I wanna party." You know?
So, I went through what a lot of us went through.
I started getting fucked up, homie, you know?
I was getting BevMo! orders to the crib, just trying to make it to 1:00 p.m.
Like, alright, 1:00 p.m.? Fuck it, happy hour.
Like, hey! You know, like...
Going up and down my stairs, grab the rail, pandemic.
You know?
And all of a sudden, myself and all my friends and family
were scientists and doctors, you know? Fuck, what a terrible time.
"No, I read an article, bro, I know how it transfers in the perimeter for like--"
Shut the fuck up. You don't know shit.
But I read this one article, uh...
Some of you might have read it, though. Legit-looking article, man.
It looked all medical and shit. It had a diagram.
And it said, like, if-- if you feel like you were exposed to COVID,
if you do cocaine, it would clear the shit out, you know?
It was legit, bro. It had science facts backing it up and everything.
So, I said, "Well, fuck, I don't want to catch this shit," you know?
I gotta be smart about this, you know?
So, I text one of my other cousins who's good at calculations.
He sells cocaine.
And, uh, within the hour,
there's a eight-ball in my mailbox, right?
So, I go out there, but I was safe about it.
Put the disposable gloves on and shit, you know?
Got to the mailbox, pulled it out,
brought it into my kitchen, put it on the kitchen counter,
chopped it up, lowered my mask. Alright, kill the COVID.
Yeah, the internet says shelter in place. You're a good person, you know?
And to do cocaine by yourself's a little bit of a red flag, you know, so.
It got weird for a little homie real quick, bro.
I was really in there trying to kill the COVID.
All sweaty with my shirt off like a little gremlin.
"That COVID's not getting me, homie.
Shelter in place, homie. Yeah."
Holding my bottle of tequila like a baby, "The baby!"
Like, fuck, what are you doing, man?
And I was getting so lonely, homie. Fuck!
To be drunk, high, and lonely, that's never gonna end good,
you know, like, damn.
And like I said, bro, I've been doing this shit a long time, right?
And over 20 years ago, that's when we started doing YouTube videos.
And you gotta start somewhere. You gotta figure this shit out.
So, in the beginning, we were getting experimental.
I was working with these guys. And for one of the videos,
I had to purchase a fake butt, right?
It's like a mold of a porn star's butt, comes in a box.
It has the holes, like fools do things with it,
but we got it for comedy, you know?
Hey, homie, but these things are like 400 or 500 bucks, right?
So, I'm not gonna throw it away.
Like, maybe we'll use it another day for another video, you know?
So, it was in that one big box of random shit
that I didn't want to throw away.
Just moving with me apartment to apartment over 15 years, bro,
ending up with me in my condo, you know?
And, uh...
and it was a trip, you know, 'cause I live in Hollywood.
It was incredible to see Sunset Boulevard, Hollywood Boulevard just empty, bro.
It was like a movie. I know it was like that a lot of places.
But I was like, "Fuck, man, all the bars are closed."
I was single at the time. Still am single, you know?
But, uh...
But it was tough, man. You know?
I was really going through a tough time.
Like, damn, so lonely. You know?
I was in my bed on the second floor, you know,
tossing and turning.
Just, ah, I'll take whatever kind of jaina, any kind of girl right now.
Like, I'm so lonely, you know? It was hurting.
But then, I started thinking, well, hey, man, there's that butt in there.
You know, uh...
It's in the closet, for sure, in that box, you know?
But I tried to fight it. I did, you know?
I said, uh, "Please don't," you know?
I started thinking about my family and shit.
I'm like-- like, "Damn, man, your mom and dad came from nothing, homie.
"The hood, you know?
"And they worked so hard and sacrificed so much to create opportunities for you.
"And I don't think these were the opportunities
they were thinking, you know?"
But you can only vacuum and clean out the refrigerator so many times, right?
So, I don't know why I did this, man,
but I pulled it out and I set it up on a pillow
in the middle of my room to, like, present it to myself.
Like, oh, fuck, there you are. Like...
I even got a little insecure in front of it.
Like, fuck, should I take a shower, homie? Like, damn.
Little fucking thing looks good, you know?
And I'm pacing around this thing. I know a lot of you
have seen these things. It's just that section, bro.
Like, the legs are cut off right there, the waist right there.
It looks like a tree stump, but with butt cheeks, you know?
You're like, oh!
Wow, I'm just fucking tripping out on this thing.
I had all the time in the world, you know?
I was kinda like a breakdancer, waiting for the right beat to drop.
Like, is this it?
But I said, "Nah, this can't be, man. You're not gonna do this weird shit."
But, yeah, I got in there. Um...
Yeah.
Just little Mexican dude, homie, all coked out, planking over this butt.
Sorry, not that aggressive, yeah.
I was actually more like slow motion, homie.
'Cause I was like 92% sad, homie.
The condition of my life, the world,
my actions in that moment, you know, I was sad about it.
But that 8% that was left over
kept me in it just enough, you know?
I was trying to talk myself through it.
Like, "Don't feel bad, man. Like, people do this, you know?
"Like, that's why they make these products.
"Like, they buy 'em, they take 'em home, they do this shit.
It feels good, right? No, yeah, it feels good."
Um, then I finished--
Ugh! It felt all weird.
I don't even know if I should have felt weird.
It's probably the safest thing I could have done, you know?
But I jumped into the covers all dramatic, like, "No! Why?"
And when I woke up in the morning, bro,
I was hoping it was a bad dream, hoping it was all a bad dream,
everything going on.
But I wake up and the light's shining perfectly through the blinds, you know?
All cinematic, bro, like sun rays
on these butt cheeks looking up at me, you know?
Like, "Hey, I'm your lady now."
Like, what the fuck, bro? This is crazy, you know?
And then, I thought they were just gonna have to clear this shit out of the air.
Eh, one, two months or whatever, whatever this weird shit is.
But nah, they're like, the governor said a long time, so I was like, fuck.
So, the butt never made it back into the closet, you know?
It became the homie.
Like, I have a big-ass California king, bro.
I just left it right there. Eh...
"Are you cold? You want a blanket?" You know?
I started talking to it, bro. I--
It's female parts, but I named it Bruce
just to have a homie to keep my sanity, you know?
I was kind of like, what's-his-name, uh, Tom Hanks, bro,
and his volleyball, Wilson, you know? Except mine was a pair of butt cheeks.
Like, "Hey, we're gonna get through this," you know?
And to clean these things out, man, is humiliating, right?
Yeah.
Some of you know, you motherfuckers, I know you do.
It's basically like a horseshoe shape on the inside.
You gotta flush it out from the butt through the vagina, hey, you know?
But I didn't do it in the house. I'm not an animal, you know, uh...
I would take it to the backyard...
and plug the holes into the butthole, but all sad about it, like...
I would take it back in the house like, "Hey, uh, like, new beginnings," you know?
Then, they're like, "This shit's gonna go at least a year."
I'm like, "A year, what the fuck?"
So, I was like, alright, I gotta get something fresh then, just to survive,
because this thing was sitting in a cardboard box for over 15 years,
so it was a little brittle, you know? Like, hey, you know?
So, I was like, alright. This is when it got interesting.
Some of you might have experiences.
I go to Amazon to the sex toy section,
look for another companion of some kind.
Hey, but like 90% of all the shit was sold out.
So, I was like, "Oh, shit, I'm not alone," you know, like...
I felt connected with the world.
Like, "Oh, we're going through this shit, crazy, you know?"
But one thing they still had available for purchase at the time, man,
was this thermos, right? Nice-looking thermos, man.
It was black with the chrome lining.
Looked like a CEO's thermos, you know?
But you pop the top, though, and there's a-- a panocha in there.
A vagina. You're like, "Oh, shit."
Uh, peeky-boo, you know? So, I ordered this thing, man.
In the middle of a lockdown, bro, Amazon has it on my doorstep the next day.
So, I go out there in my disposable gloves.
"Hey, congratulations," you know? And-- and that was my life, man.
I'm rocking around my house drunk, high, with this thermos,
talking to the butt cheeks like a little gremlin.
"Hey, the world's crazy, huh? What a trip.
Like, we're gonna get through this."
And I have a big-ass living room window, right?
Big old living room window, and I'm going to close the curtain
'cause I'm ready to get down with this thing, I just got it.
And I'm almost to the curtain, bro, and my neighbors walk by.
I'm like, "Fuck!" And I live in a nice building.
I have white neighbors and shit, like really nice people.
And they bring me food and shit. "Frankie, we made extra today."
I'm like, "Oh, I love you guys."
So, I was like, damn, bro, they just caught me.
I don't even have my shirt on, my nipples are out. I'm all coked out.
I just clenched the thermos in embarrassment, like...
But they just waved all nice.
Like, "Oh, look, Frankie's having coffee."
Like, nah, I'm gonna fuck this thing, man. You know?
There's a vagina inside of it.
Thanks for letting me get vulnerable with you.
Like, ah, that's some crazy shit.
But that's when I knew, man, you know, that I needed to go to rehab.
I was like, "Damn."
'Cause everybody has a different rock-bottom,
but the bottom I hit was silicone. You know, so...
So, I was like, alright, you know?
I had saved up a little money already. Let me invest in myself, you know?
So, I go to this nice place in Utah, bro.
For those that don't know,
Mormons run the whole state of Utah, right?
They're not even allowed to-- to drink coffee or alcohol, nonetheless,
so they do drugs and help you get off 'em, you know what I'm saying? Ahh.
God bless the Mormons. They helped me get sober, you know?
They have nice facilities, bro.
Even had horses there, 'cause they have a thing called horse therapy,
where you walk with 'em 'cause the horses can, like, feel your energy.
Like, "Hey, you're fucked up, huh?"
I'm like-- I'm like, "How'd you know, horsey?
Like, damn, knowing my life like that?"
It's a trip, scientifically.
But damn, bro, they had this thing called Family Week, right?
So, I take my mom and dad out there, bro. Bring 'em out, right?
And they do-- do a thing called the Ring of Fire.
This shit is crazy, homie.
So, you go, you know, you're sitting, like, knee to knee
with your spouse or your loved ones. In this case, it was my parents.
They're facing you, so your knees are touching.
And there's a circle of all the other families and people.
It was all white people. This place was really expensive.
So, I'm just like, fuck, like, I made it, you know? But...
But they're all around, it's a really emotional thing.
I would never have pictured my mom and dad doing some shit like this.
They're from the 'hood, homie, but we had to get to it
'cause I was ready to fuckin' lose everything.
I was gonna lose my life. I was on a sick one, homie.
So, we're like, "Hey, let's get through this, let's process this shit."
I dropped this feria. Let's do it, you know?
So, we're there, homie, sitting knee to knee.
The people are circled around us. There's...
You know, and then there's the therapist there.
She starts guiding you. She goes, "Okay, so let's do it.
Let's process this trauma. Talk about your problems."
I'm like, "Whoa." I'm looking around nervously, like,
"Wow, I rammed a bunch of gorditas."
Uh...
I was like, uh, "I was molested by a family member."
Um, "I was fucking this fake butt and this thermos."
She goes, "Oh, my goodness. Like, what was that?
What did you just say?"
I was like, "Wow, yeah, that thermos has a vagina inside of it, you know?"
She goes, "No, not that, the other thing."
I go, "Oh, I should have called those gorditas back.
You know, I feel bad." She goes, "No, the other thing."
I was like, "Oh, that I was molested by a family member?"
She goes, "Yes, that. Let's talk about it."
And I said, "Well, I don't really want to talk about that, you know?
It's like, talk about good shit, you know?"
She goes, "No, no, no. We gotta get to it. Have you ever talked to anybody about it?"
I was like, "Well, I did get all fucked up one time and emotional.
"I told one of my OG homies, like, 'Hey, fool, I was fucking molested.
"Fucked me up in the head, you know?'
"And he goes, 'Hey, homie, don't talk about that gay shit, right?'
"I was like-- I was like, 'Well, fuck, what do I do then, homie?'
"He's like, 'You fucking suppress.'
"And I was like, 'Well, and then what?'
"'Compartmentalize.'
"'Oh, compartmentalize. And then what, homie?'
"'I-I don't know, homie, then you let it manufacture itself into a disease
"and you die like a fucking man one day, homie.
"Talk about that gay shit, the fuck?'
And I'm like, 'Okay, sorry, homie,' you know?"
So, then the therapist is like, "Have you ever told your family?"
And I was like, I just looked at 'em frozen.
She's like, "Go ahead and tell 'em. They're right in front of you right now.
Tell 'em right now."
I'm like, "Fuck." I was like, "I did tell 'em.
"And then like a month later,
"they still invited him to the family reunion barbecue
knowing I was gonna be there."
Ooh.
And she's like, "How'd that make you feel?"
I was like, "You know, it made me feel hurt.
"Made me feel betrayed.
"But I know why they did it, I understand.
'Cause that fool makes a bomb-ass carne asada, you know?"
I'm crying, bro. My dad's crying.
He looks up at me, says...
"He does, mijo.
"But that doesn't make it right.
And we're sorry. Man to man, I'm sorry."
My mom says, "We didn't know what to do, mijo.
We're so sorry. It won't happen again." And we're hugging, bro.
It was one of the most hardest, beautiful things
I have been through with my familia, right?
We're hugging, crying it out.
Even the white people circled around us are crying.
They're like, "How did these Mexicans afford this place?"
You know? And I'm just like, oh...
So, we're wiping away the tears, bro.
My dad's wiping his tears away. My mom, beautiful thing.
We overcame this thing.
And at the end of it, my dad says, "Hey, but mijo?"
I said, "What's up, Dad?"
"Can I ask you just one question?"
I said, "Yeah, go ahead, man."
"You really put your dick inside that thermos?"
Yeah.
I said, "Yeah, Dad. I did, man."
And he said, "Damn, that's crazy."
My name is Frankie Quiñones, y'all.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.