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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Ladies and gentlemen,
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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please welcome to the stage,
Frankie Quiñones!
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What if that's all I did and shit? Fuck.
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Don't clap. That shit,
that'd be fucked up, homie, you know?
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Like, never get to a punchline
or anything, just...
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"How was the show, man?"
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"I don't know, little homie
went up there and just..."
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Alright, God bless you guys. Thank you.
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I like beatboxing, though, homie.
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Just whenever, you know?
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Being a comedian,
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that's one of the only
professions you can beatbox.
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You can't be a doctor and shit, you know?
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Like...
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...well, you...
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...tested positive for...
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...for... for... for...
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Like, for what, dawg? Like, damn!
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For high cholesterol.
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Like, oh, shit, homie.
Like, you scared me, doctor.
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But that's a sick-ass beat, you know?
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It's good to be here, man,
in Portland, Oregon, homie.
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That's what's up.
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Yeah.
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You guys have been showing me
your love for a long time, man.
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It's an honor to film my special here,
you know what I mean?
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Yeah.
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And people are so nice here, man,
you know?
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You walk by strangers, it's like, "Hello."
I'm like, "What the fuck?" Like...
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"Like, me?"
"Yes, you. Hi." Like, oh, fuck.
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Like, "Hi, how are you?" You know, like...
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Even the big old lumberjack white boys,
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some of these fools look like
they just got done cutting wood,
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or you know what I mean?
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And I get nervous, you know,
'cause I'm a little homie.
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I'm down here.
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Sometimes they don't see me,
you know, and they bump into me.
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I get scared. I'm like,
"Oh, shit," you know?
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But they're just all nice about it,
you know, like, "Oh, sorry, little buddy.
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"All muscle, no direction here.
I'm just bumping into everything.
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How you doing?"
Yeah, that's what's up.
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It's cool to see a big homie smile,
hey, 'cause a lot of times at my shows,
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I'll get like a tough-ass vato.
Tough-ass vatos.
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They sit right up front, you know?
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Like, kind of like this dude
right here, homie.
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- What's your name, bro?
- Fred.
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Fred. Oh, shit, you're Fred. No.
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But thanks for smiling, Fred. Yeah.
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'Cause sometimes I get tough-ass dudes
like Fred sit up front,
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but they're like this
the whole time, homie, like...
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If I'm lucky, bro, if I'm lucky,
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they'll give me one of these,
they'll be like...
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I'm like, bro, was that a cough
or a laugh or what, you know?
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But then you see him after the show,
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"Hey, motherfucker,
you're fucking hilarious," you know?
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"Can you take a picture of me
and my lady, alright?
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"Don't touch her.
I'll beat your ass, homie.
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"But you're fucking funny, bro.
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So funny, you know?"
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I'm like, "Damn, I didn't see you laugh
not one time during the show, you know,
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but I'm glad you enjoyed it in your mind
or whatever, you know?" Like...
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That's interesting, homie.
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Scientifically, you know,
to pull that off, just...
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"I'm having the time of my life,"
you know?
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"Oh, wow, so fun."
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Like, damn.
Like, they need to study that, you know?
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Like, wow.
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I'm grateful I grew up
around different types of people.
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Mostly Mexicans. Um...
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I know there's different types
of Mexicans, right?
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I understand that.
I learned that the more I traveled.
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I'm like, "Oh, shit, we're not
all the same," you know?
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But the Mexicans I grew up around,
we did a lot of interesting things, man.
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Like, whenever a Mexican
in my neighborhood or family
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would ask you a question
and you would give them the answer,
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their response would always be
the same, bro, every time.
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Just, "Damn, that's crazy." Like, what?
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Like my cousin asked me the other day,
he goes, "Hey, primo."
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I said, "What's up, man?"
He's like, "How'd you get over here?"
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"Actually, I drove my car."
He goes, "Damn, that's crazy," you know?
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It's like, no, man, no,
it's not crazy at all, you know?
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Like, people drive their cars
literally all the time,
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like by the millions and shit,
you know, across the planet and stuff.
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I guess it's crazy to you,
though, you know?
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Man, that energy from a healthy
white woman laugh feels good, bro.
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You know?
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It's like, dang,
like the holidays, you know?
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Abundance, you know? Like, wow.
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But seriously, white women,
thank you for that energy.
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No, because seriously, man,
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sometimes when I'm depressed
or down and out,
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I'll go to brunch by myself somewhere nice
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just to hear that laugh, man,
to get that motivation and all that.
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"Bills are paid."
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It's like, fuck. "Thank you, mija."
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Congratulations, you know?
Like, what a life.
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Just all the nutrients
since the beginning, homie.
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Top shelf, you know?
You can hear the healthiness in the la--
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"Let's get another fucking mimosa, bitch."
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It's like...
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"You're such a fucking whore, I love you."
Like, fuck. Just thriving.
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So dope, you know?
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But I like white girls, man.
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I dated a white woman for a long time,
almost four years.
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Yeah, she was a hippie, bro, yeah.
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We still stay in touch, right?
Real cool person.
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We smoked a lot of weed together,
had a lot of good conversation.
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You know, I actually met her
at an open mic, right?
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This was years ago.
I was going to work out some shit,
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and it turned out to be
one of those mixed open mics
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where you could do whatever you want,
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you know, like comedy, music,
or like spoken word poetry.
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You know, and she went up there
doing that shit, you know?
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She came up to the stage with her crystals
and energies and fuck, you know?
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Then she introduced herself.
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Um, we weren't ready for that, you know?
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She goes, "My name is Sun Diamond."
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We're like, "Oh, fuck." Okay.
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Like, Sun Diamond?
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Like, she's about to shoot
for real, homie, you know?
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And she didn't waste no time,
man, you know?
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She got up there and got right to it.
She's like, "Intergalactic memories.
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"Moving to eternal galaxies.
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"But no, I digress.
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"And oh...
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"Oh, my goodness, what's this?
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"I'm in a tornado.
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"But I'm in the center where it's calm,
motionless, raindrops drip,
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"drip into my palm
and into my soul, into my soul.
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"And oh...
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"Oh, my goodness, what's this?
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"Hmm.
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Hmm."
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"What is it, you guys?
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"Oh! Oh.
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"It's a sunflower petal falling
ever so gently through the mist.
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"And where's it falling?
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"It's falling on my foot,
so I kick it back up, kick it back up,
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"into my soul, into my soul.
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"Dominate.
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"Dominate, dominate, dominate, dominate.
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Seduce. Sun Diamond."
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And I was like, "What the fuck was that?"
You know, like...
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I honestly felt bad, man. I did, you know?
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'Cause I had no idea
what she was trying to say.
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I was like, "What?"
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But I was attracted to it, you know?
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Like, fuck, what is that?
You know, let's kick it.
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Something different, you know?
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But the night that I met this girl, man,
I was so grateful, you know?
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'Cause the night that I met her,
you know, I learned from her.
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You know, that you don't need
to fully understand something,
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uh, to have sex with it,
you know what I mean?
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Just-- just focus on the positive vibes,
you know what I'm saying?
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It's like, fuck, thank you, mija.
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The connection, it feels good, you know?
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I dated a zookeeper one time.
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Um...
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True story, man, that was a trip.
You know, I was on the dating apps.
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I put the radius like, aye, forever.
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Um, you know, I checked all
the boxes of interest, man.
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Yeah, I'm into all that shit. Uh...
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It was desperate times, you know?
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And I ended up matching with this lady
from Santa Barbara, right?
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She worked at the Santa Barbara Zoo, man.
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She would drive all the way down to LA
to come kick it with me.
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That's a good two,
sometimes four-hour drive.
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So, I was honored.
And we laughed a lot together.
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She was all into animals and stuff.
It was a good time.
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It just got interesting
during sex, though, uh,
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'cause she started quizzing me
on animal sounds.
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Like, she wanted me to be up
on my animal game,
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and that was her technique.
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That was really awkward for me, you know,
'cause it was a new relationship, bro.
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I'm trying to put it down.
I'm on top doing my breathing.
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Hey, you know.
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Hey.
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And she'd be like, "You ready?"
I'm like, "Uh, ready for what, mija?
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We're already doing it." You know, like...
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She's like, "No, babe. The quiz."
I'm like, "Oh, yeah. Uh, the quiz."
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You know? She'd be like...
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Fuck, I don't know,
is that a red robin or-- you know?
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Then she would get to the advanced level.
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That would trip me out.
You know, she'd be like...
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Like, fuck, that sounds exotic.
Is that a Tasmanian macaw or what?
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And then she was like...
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I'm like, "Fuck, is that a donkey?"
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She goes, "No, that's me, silly."
I was like, "Oh, fuck."
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I'm like, "What an interesting creature,"
you know?
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Like, it was a trip to hear
those sounds coming out of her like that
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in those moments, you know?
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We always had that one homegirl
in the crew who was always announcing
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how down she is to get fucked up.
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"I'll get all fucked up tonight,"
you know?
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I have the babysitter till Monday.
Like, fuck, for three days, cabrona?
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Like, that's...
Like, you have kids, you know?
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That's crazy, dude.
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And she was always the one
you had to carry out of the club too, man,
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or the bar, you know?
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Fuck, man.
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Usually, it was one of my primas.
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A lot of my female cousins
are of a bigger size.
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Nothing wrong with that,
but they like to fucking party, homie.
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I mean, they get after it, you know?
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The club lights come on,
they're holding their heels in their hand,
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the bottom of their patas
are all black and brown, you know?
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They're all emotional,
"I'm fucked-- I'm fucked up.
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Carry me, we're familia. Carry me."
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It's like, "You're too heavy," you know?
Like, that's crazy you're asking me that.
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I'm a little homie, you know?
I'll get injured.
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But I like gorditas, man.
You know, I got nothing against them.
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Yeah.
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All the white people are like,
"Oh, shit, he's getting Mexican here."
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00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:50,084
No, I'm just kidding.
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00:11:50,168 --> 00:11:52,086
My man on the end, what's your name, bro?
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00:11:52,170 --> 00:11:53,630
- Marco.
- Marco?
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00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:55,340
Did you try to make it exotic on purpose?
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00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:56,466
Yeah.
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00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:58,426
Uh..." Mark... uh-uh-oh." Yeah.
222
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Do you know what a jaina is, Marco?
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00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:03,806
A jaina? Yeah, that's a lady.
224
00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:06,517
Yeah, there you go. So-- Yeah.
Hey! Watch out, Marco!
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00:12:06,601 --> 00:12:07,936
Ah!
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00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:13,691
Okay, so a jaina is like a chick, a girl,
for those that don't know.
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00:12:13,775 --> 00:12:16,694
A gordita is a jaina
of a bigger size, right?
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00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:18,321
Nothing wrong with that.
229
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:20,740
A torta literally means sandwich,
230
00:12:20,823 --> 00:12:24,077
but we use it as slang for a jaina
who's just as big as a gordita,
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00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:26,329
but way more aggressive, homie,
you know what I'm saying?
232
00:12:28,039 --> 00:12:30,875
Yeah. They come at you like
all pro fullbacks, bro, like,
233
00:12:30,959 --> 00:12:33,253
"Hey, let's get after it."
Like, oh, shit. Like, damn.
234
00:12:33,336 --> 00:12:35,713
Like, that energy's incredible,
you know, like...
235
00:12:40,468 --> 00:12:43,054
So, you know, back when I used
to drink a little too much,
236
00:12:43,137 --> 00:12:46,391
I was at-- at the bar, and I was talking
to this gordita, really cool girl.
237
00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:48,142
We were laughing a lot, having some fun.
238
00:12:48,226 --> 00:12:50,019
And she goes,
"Oh, Frankie, I'm so embarrassed.
239
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:53,564
I spilled some of my drink on myself."
I go, "Oh, me too." Like, damn.
240
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:57,151
Like, I could relate in this moment.
241
00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,029
But she goes, "Hey, Frankie,
242
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:02,198
like, after the bar closes,
let's go kick it after."
243
00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:05,285
I said, "Oh, shiz," right?
I'm down, you know?
244
00:13:05,368 --> 00:13:07,745
I said, "I live with my primo,
but I have my own room and everything,
245
00:13:07,829 --> 00:13:09,872
and he has his own room, so don't trip."
246
00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:12,875
She was like, "Okay, that's all good,
but let's stop at 7-Elevens."
247
00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:15,128
And I said, "Hey, like, I have condoms,
248
00:13:15,211 --> 00:13:17,755
everything we need to be healthy
and safe at the house already."
249
00:13:17,839 --> 00:13:20,925
She said, "Nah, fool, it's not that."
She goes, "I'm hungry." And I go, "Ah."
250
00:13:22,677 --> 00:13:24,846
You know, so she brought me
into her world, man.
251
00:13:26,723 --> 00:13:28,850
'Cause we went, that's when they have
all the fresh comida,
252
00:13:28,933 --> 00:13:31,269
you know, at 7-Elevens,
2:30, 3:00 a.m., you know?
253
00:13:31,352 --> 00:13:32,478
And we went, bro.
254
00:13:32,562 --> 00:13:34,188
She had the little key chain,
like the tarjeta, you know.
255
00:13:34,272 --> 00:13:36,899
She was a member of 7-Eleven, homie.
I was like, "Damn."
256
00:13:38,443 --> 00:13:41,320
I asked her, I said, "Is this national?"
She said, "Yeah, all locations."
257
00:13:41,404 --> 00:13:44,449
You know, so I said, "Dang."
Like, let's go somewhere, you know?
258
00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:48,036
So we went, bro. We went to 7-Elevens.
259
00:13:48,119 --> 00:13:50,663
You know, we got a discount,
so we got pizza, chicken wings,
260
00:13:50,747 --> 00:13:52,749
and Slurpees también, you know?
261
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:55,626
We went back to the house,
and she was cool, man.
262
00:13:55,710 --> 00:13:56,878
She was funny, making me laugh.
263
00:13:56,961 --> 00:13:59,172
She had a beautiful smile,
you know, just a bigger size,
264
00:13:59,255 --> 00:14:00,923
but she moved good
and everything, and, uh...
265
00:14:02,091 --> 00:14:03,760
But then she changed the music, you know?
266
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:05,720
She slowed it down...
267
00:14:05,803 --> 00:14:09,223
Like-- like insinuating she wanted
to do sexual things, you know?
268
00:14:09,307 --> 00:14:12,060
And I was like, "Eh."
So, I got a little nervous.
269
00:14:12,143 --> 00:14:14,604
Um, but then, true story, bro.
270
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:17,023
She pulled one of the buffalo wings
out of the box.
271
00:14:17,106 --> 00:14:18,608
And like I said, we got it fresh, bro,
272
00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:20,651
so smoke was still
coming off it, you know?
273
00:14:20,735 --> 00:14:22,070
She's all waving it around like that.
274
00:14:22,153 --> 00:14:24,572
I was, like, following the smoke,
like, ah, you know, like...
275
00:14:26,365 --> 00:14:28,159
But then we made eye contact
through the smoke, bro.
276
00:14:28,242 --> 00:14:30,495
I was like, "Oh, shit," you know?
277
00:14:30,578 --> 00:14:33,247
And she's all,
"Come here right now," you know?
278
00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:34,874
And I was like, "What the fuck?"
279
00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:38,961
But she kept eye contact, you know?
280
00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:41,339
She goes, "Quit being a little bitch
and come here," you know.
281
00:14:41,422 --> 00:14:42,882
So I said, "Fuck."
282
00:14:43,633 --> 00:14:45,718
So, I made my approach, you know, like,
283
00:14:45,802 --> 00:14:47,637
'cause I'm not a little bitch like that,
you know, and, uh...
284
00:14:48,679 --> 00:14:51,015
She goes, "Take a bite," you know?
285
00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:53,142
And I took a bite,
and the wing was good, man.
286
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:55,645
I said-- I said, "Get down, 7-Elevens,"
you know?
287
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:58,231
Like, sh... it was good, bro.
288
00:14:58,314 --> 00:15:00,608
But then, she grabbed the back of my head
and pushed it into the bone, like, oh!
289
00:15:00,691 --> 00:15:01,943
And I was like...
290
00:15:03,945 --> 00:15:07,281
But then we started macking, bro,
like around the bone, you know?
291
00:15:07,365 --> 00:15:09,408
Around the carne, you know?
292
00:15:09,492 --> 00:15:13,162
We were doing like Lady and the Tramps,
hey, but with a buffalo wing, you know?
293
00:15:15,123 --> 00:15:16,707
Yeah, we're getting down, man.
294
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:23,923
My man.
295
00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:27,593
So after we finished the wing, bro,
she pushed me back on the bed.
296
00:15:27,677 --> 00:15:30,346
She went like that.
I said, "Oh, dang," you know?
297
00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:35,852
Then, she got on top of me.
I was defenseless, you know?
298
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:38,646
Then I got a little nervous, homie,
'cause, you know, I'm a little homie.
299
00:15:38,729 --> 00:15:40,231
She's of a bigger size.
300
00:15:40,314 --> 00:15:42,567
But then I just felt warmth, homie,
you know?
301
00:15:44,152 --> 00:15:47,238
Like, I felt like I was being hugged
from every direction, homie, you know?
302
00:15:47,321 --> 00:15:49,365
And at that time in my life, I needed it.
303
00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:51,325
I said, gracias a Dios por eso,
por mi espíritu,
304
00:15:51,409 --> 00:15:53,035
my soul, my spirit.
305
00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:54,829
I was in there trapped
like a little hot dog,
306
00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:56,622
but all happy, homie, just, oh!
307
00:15:59,876 --> 00:16:03,004
But then, my cousin opened the door on us.
He goes, "Hey, primo."
308
00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:06,382
I said, "What's up?" He goes,
"Oh, hey, I can't see you right now."
309
00:16:06,465 --> 00:16:08,843
I said, "Nah, don't trip, homie.
I'm underneath, but I'm breathing.
310
00:16:08,926 --> 00:16:10,469
I'm having a good time," you know?
311
00:16:10,553 --> 00:16:12,972
So, he closed the door,
and we continued the night, you know?
312
00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:15,641
We-- we poured Slurpees all over
each other and had fun, man,
313
00:16:15,725 --> 00:16:18,144
and there's nothing wrong with that,
nothing wrong with that.
314
00:16:18,227 --> 00:16:20,104
Two single people had a connection.
315
00:16:20,188 --> 00:16:22,023
I hate when people
judge other people, man.
316
00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:23,482
You know, I wouldn't--
I wouldn't judge her.
317
00:16:23,566 --> 00:16:25,359
I hope she didn't judge me, you know?
318
00:16:25,443 --> 00:16:27,278
Or she'd probably call her homegirls
the next morning, like,
319
00:16:27,361 --> 00:16:29,697
"Hey, I hooked up
with this little-ass homie last night."
320
00:16:31,741 --> 00:16:33,326
It's okay to have a little fun.
321
00:16:33,409 --> 00:16:35,036
Just keep your priorities straight
and handle business, homie,
322
00:16:35,119 --> 00:16:36,204
you know what I'm saying?
323
00:16:36,287 --> 00:16:38,789
My mom and dad taught me that, you know?
324
00:16:38,873 --> 00:16:40,958
I love my mom and dad, man.
325
00:16:41,042 --> 00:16:42,668
Me and my mom and dad,
we're real close, right?
326
00:16:42,752 --> 00:16:44,545
They had me at a young age,
so now we're just homies and shit.
327
00:16:44,629 --> 00:16:46,380
Like, "eh," you know?
328
00:16:46,464 --> 00:16:50,218
But they always had positive energy
in the house, man, no matter what.
329
00:16:50,301 --> 00:16:51,552
They kept it positive.
330
00:16:51,636 --> 00:16:53,012
You know, like,
"No, Frankie. Positive vibes, mijo."
331
00:16:53,095 --> 00:16:54,972
Alright, Mom and Dad,
that's what's up, you know?
332
00:16:55,056 --> 00:16:56,682
I mean, they would still beat the shit
outta me, you know what I'm saying,
333
00:16:56,766 --> 00:16:59,185
but fucking positive vibes,
cabrón, you know?
334
00:16:59,268 --> 00:17:00,603
Lead with gratitude. Ow.
335
00:17:02,897 --> 00:17:04,899
Those was real good vibes, man.
336
00:17:04,982 --> 00:17:06,400
You know? And they worked
their ass off, man.
337
00:17:06,484 --> 00:17:09,320
They were always in over their heads
for their kids, you know?
338
00:17:09,403 --> 00:17:11,489
So, one thing we struggled with
was the bills.
339
00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:14,200
And getting the water and power turned off
was like a regular occurrence
340
00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:15,576
in our household growing up, right?
341
00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:18,913
But my dad was apprenticing
to be a carpenter, bro, you know?
342
00:17:18,996 --> 00:17:20,581
And he came up on a water key.
343
00:17:20,665 --> 00:17:23,042
And, uh, the city would come
and turn our water off,
344
00:17:23,125 --> 00:17:24,335
but he'd sneak back out there,
turn it back on,
345
00:17:24,418 --> 00:17:27,546
everybody take a shower real quick,
and he'd turn it back off.
346
00:17:27,630 --> 00:17:29,799
And then we would go to church like,
"Hey, we're good people,"
347
00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:31,884
you know, like...
348
00:17:34,929 --> 00:17:37,306
But when the power was gonna get
turned off, my mom was ready, bro.
349
00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:40,184
You know it's coming, you get
a little pink slip on the door, right?
350
00:17:40,268 --> 00:17:42,019
So, she had one of those
old-school boom boxes,
351
00:17:42,103 --> 00:17:43,563
you know, with the double-D
batteries in there?
352
00:17:43,646 --> 00:17:45,231
She would bring it out
into the living room, bro,
353
00:17:45,314 --> 00:17:47,525
light a bunch of candles,
and we'd have a little dance party.
354
00:17:47,608 --> 00:17:49,819
Me and my sister, like, hey, you know?
355
00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:52,446
It was like we were for-pretends
camping, you know, like, ah.
356
00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:54,240
My mom's like,
"You're my little Bigfoot, homie."
357
00:17:54,323 --> 00:17:56,951
Roar, yeah, yeah.
358
00:17:57,034 --> 00:17:59,912
That's how powerful music is, though, man,
you know what I'm saying?
359
00:17:59,996 --> 00:18:01,789
It's a powerful thing, yeah.
360
00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:03,332
Hell yeah.
361
00:18:04,834 --> 00:18:07,169
You could be having a fucked-up day,
the worst day of your life.
362
00:18:07,253 --> 00:18:09,463
You know, just like,
"Damn, my life's fucked up, homie."
363
00:18:09,547 --> 00:18:12,383
You know? But all of a sudden,
a car drives by playing your jam.
364
00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:16,262
You're like, "Ah, shit,
I'll be alright, you know? Fuck it."
365
00:18:16,345 --> 00:18:17,930
I can still walk and shit, you know?
366
00:18:19,056 --> 00:18:21,976
So, my mom and dad to this day
always have jams playing in the house.
367
00:18:22,059 --> 00:18:23,811
Music, you know.
And they play everything, bro.
368
00:18:23,894 --> 00:18:26,897
You know, salsa, rancheras, mariachi,
you know, cumbias.
369
00:18:26,981 --> 00:18:29,108
Everything, you know?
Oldies, rock music even.
370
00:18:29,191 --> 00:18:31,777
But their religion
is old-school funk, bro.
371
00:18:31,861 --> 00:18:33,070
That's their shit, you know?
372
00:18:33,154 --> 00:18:34,405
I mean, yeah.
373
00:18:34,488 --> 00:18:37,825
They went to Rick James' funeral.
Like, my sister's name is Teena Marie.
374
00:18:37,908 --> 00:18:39,410
Like, it's like that, homie.
375
00:18:39,493 --> 00:18:42,288
They used to have three chihuahuas
named Earth, Wind, and Fire, homie.
376
00:18:42,371 --> 00:18:45,166
Like, truly, I'm serious, bro.
It's like, dang, we get it.
377
00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:46,876
You guys like this shit. You know, like...
378
00:18:49,211 --> 00:18:51,631
But it was cool, though, man, 'cause they
always kept that positive energy in there,
379
00:18:51,714 --> 00:18:53,841
and they kept working their way up,
we kept working our way up.
380
00:18:53,924 --> 00:18:57,136
We went from a one-bedroom apartment, bro,
to a cul-de-sac, right?
381
00:18:57,219 --> 00:18:58,763
And I was like, dang.
Like, there was white people and shit.
382
00:18:58,846 --> 00:19:01,390
I was like, "Ah." You know?
383
00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:03,893
And then I remember my mom and dad
got me my first pair of Rollerblades, bro.
384
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:05,978
And I was the first one in the family.
I have a lot of cousins.
385
00:19:06,062 --> 00:19:07,521
I was the first one to have Rollerblades.
386
00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:10,274
And I was out there, hey, you know.
387
00:19:10,358 --> 00:19:13,027
My cousins weren't even mad.
They're like, "He's doing that for us."
388
00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:14,487
You know, I was like...
389
00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:21,118
But you know, my mom
started getting jealous, bro,
390
00:19:21,202 --> 00:19:23,162
of the life that her and my dad
were providing me.
391
00:19:23,245 --> 00:19:24,288
And that's kind of a mindfuck
392
00:19:24,372 --> 00:19:26,499
to see a parent get jealous
of the life they're providing you.
393
00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:29,085
'Cause my mom's from the projects, bro.
She didn't have nothing.
394
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:31,545
So, she saw me with Rollerblades,
like, oh, you know, "Wow."
395
00:19:31,629 --> 00:19:33,464
Yeah.
396
00:19:33,547 --> 00:19:37,176
Like, I be trying to Rollerblade away.
She goes, "Hey," and I turn around.
397
00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:43,516
She's like, "Oh, so you got a little
white friend down the street, huh?"
398
00:19:43,599 --> 00:19:46,686
I go, "Yeah, Mom, he's pretty cool.
He's nice to me, you know?"
399
00:19:46,769 --> 00:19:49,522
"And you got your little
Rollerblades and shit? Wow."
400
00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:50,815
Yeah.
401
00:19:50,898 --> 00:19:54,026
I go, "Yeah, like, you and Dad
bought 'em for me, you know?"
402
00:19:55,820 --> 00:19:58,030
She goes, "Come here,"
and I skate up to her.
403
00:19:59,865 --> 00:20:02,993
She goes, "Don't forget where the fuck
you came from, alright?"
404
00:20:03,077 --> 00:20:04,995
I go, "Okay, Mom, I love you."
"Yeah, I love you, too."
405
00:20:05,079 --> 00:20:06,539
And I'm like, "Oh, shit."
406
00:20:06,622 --> 00:20:08,416
Like, that was weird, you know?
407
00:20:10,167 --> 00:20:12,294
That's that real shit, man, you know?
408
00:20:13,379 --> 00:20:15,464
She always keeps me humble, man.
409
00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:19,176
But you know, even though we had a good
life, we had our struggles, you know?
410
00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:22,346
A lot of us go through crazy shit as kids.
I went through some crazy shit.
411
00:20:22,430 --> 00:20:24,849
And you want to escape, right?
You try to find ways to escape.
412
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:26,851
And we couldn't afford
to go to Aspen, you know?
413
00:20:26,934 --> 00:20:29,645
So, uh, so I started
doing characters, bro.
414
00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:32,064
I started becoming other people
to escape, just,
415
00:20:32,148 --> 00:20:33,774
"Ah, I'm this fool now, eh," you know?
416
00:20:33,858 --> 00:20:35,568
I would find whatever I could.
417
00:20:35,651 --> 00:20:37,862
I found an old sprinkler head
in my dad's work truck.
418
00:20:37,945 --> 00:20:40,239
I would pretend it was a microphone.
I'd do performances.
419
00:20:40,322 --> 00:20:41,532
I would imitate people, you know?
420
00:20:41,615 --> 00:20:44,201
I'd be like, "Hey, I'm the tiny Mexican
James Brown, you know?"
421
00:20:44,285 --> 00:20:47,329
And I'd be like...
"Hey! Orale! Wow." You know?
422
00:20:53,169 --> 00:20:55,463
But then, I kept developing
these characters, right?
423
00:20:55,546 --> 00:20:58,632
And, uh, some of 'em you know now.
You know, my main man is Creeper.
424
00:20:58,716 --> 00:21:00,342
That's my dude, yeah.
425
00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:05,890
For those that don't know,
yeah, he's a cholo fitness instructor.
426
00:21:05,973 --> 00:21:08,309
You know, he's got a routine
called Cholo Fit.
427
00:21:08,392 --> 00:21:09,769
You know?
428
00:21:11,437 --> 00:21:13,230
And it gets results, homie.
429
00:21:15,316 --> 00:21:17,777
But yeah, I was drawing
from the people around me
430
00:21:17,860 --> 00:21:19,528
and, uh, you know, the closest to me.
431
00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:21,989
And Creeper came from my dad, man.
My dad was an old-school cholo.
432
00:21:22,072 --> 00:21:24,450
You know, he's Dickies crease,
Chuck Taylors,
433
00:21:24,533 --> 00:21:26,368
white tee, or the Pendleton.
434
00:21:26,452 --> 00:21:28,996
Always had the-- the palm comb
with the three flowers, hey, homie.
435
00:21:29,079 --> 00:21:30,372
Always had a lowrider, right?
436
00:21:30,456 --> 00:21:33,125
Used to have a '65 Impala
with a chain steering wheel, homie.
437
00:21:33,209 --> 00:21:34,543
Just, hey, his forearms were all buff
438
00:21:34,627 --> 00:21:35,920
'cause those don't come
with power steering.
439
00:21:37,630 --> 00:21:39,882
Just for the look of it, sacrifice,
you know, like...
440
00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:44,804
His best friend baptized me,
my nino, my godfather.
441
00:21:44,887 --> 00:21:47,848
He was president of Viejito's Car Club
for over 30 years, right?
442
00:21:47,932 --> 00:21:50,142
So, I was always around
the positive side of the culture.
443
00:21:50,226 --> 00:21:52,394
You know, my dad's one
of the most positive people I know, man.
444
00:21:52,478 --> 00:21:55,189
Always, "Hey, mijo.
Work hard, treat people with respect."
445
00:21:55,272 --> 00:21:56,982
I'm like, "Alright, Dad,
that's what's up."
446
00:21:57,066 --> 00:21:59,193
"Or I'll beat your ass."
"Oh, okay, yeah, Dad."
447
00:22:00,945 --> 00:22:03,155
That's what's up. That's that dude, man.
448
00:22:04,073 --> 00:22:06,826
And even though, man, you know,
he's one of those positive people,
449
00:22:06,909 --> 00:22:09,078
you know, he's got a past
just like a lot of us do,
450
00:22:09,161 --> 00:22:10,663
but I remember one time
451
00:22:10,746 --> 00:22:13,624
we ran into one of his
old-school homies, Henry, right?
452
00:22:13,707 --> 00:22:15,918
You know, and Henry started bringing up
old shit in front of my mom.
453
00:22:16,001 --> 00:22:17,920
It got weird, homie, real quick.
454
00:22:18,003 --> 00:22:20,756
Homies do that to each other sometimes.
Like, we got to stop, you know, like...
455
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:22,883
But it was a long time ago, right?
456
00:22:22,967 --> 00:22:26,262
We were at the mall, you know,
my whole family was there.
457
00:22:26,345 --> 00:22:28,305
You know? And I was a little kid.
458
00:22:28,389 --> 00:22:30,474
My sister was there.
She was a little kid, too.
459
00:22:30,558 --> 00:22:33,644
Then my dad. And then my mom.
That's my dad's wife. You know?
460
00:22:33,727 --> 00:22:35,729
And, uh...
461
00:22:37,356 --> 00:22:39,608
And my dad runs
into his friend Henry, right?
462
00:22:39,692 --> 00:22:41,944
Little pudgy dude with a limp, you know?
463
00:22:42,027 --> 00:22:43,404
We just hear his voice
from across the mall.
464
00:22:43,487 --> 00:22:45,197
"Hey!
465
00:22:45,281 --> 00:22:46,991
Hey, Lorenzo! Hey, homie!"
466
00:22:47,074 --> 00:22:48,117
My dad turns around.
467
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,369
"Henry?"
"Hey, homie!
468
00:22:50,452 --> 00:22:52,663
I knew that was you, eh!
How you been, eh?"
469
00:22:52,746 --> 00:22:53,998
My dad's like, "I've been good, man."
470
00:22:54,081 --> 00:22:57,459
"Hey, homie, remember that time
we went to TJ, homie?
471
00:22:57,543 --> 00:23:00,296
We got all fucked up," you know?
472
00:23:00,379 --> 00:23:02,298
My dad's like, "Uh, yeah, Henry,
473
00:23:02,381 --> 00:23:04,300
"but that was a long time ago,
you know, uh...
474
00:23:05,593 --> 00:23:07,303
"I-I got a family now, you know?
475
00:23:08,178 --> 00:23:09,930
A wife. She's right here, you know?"
476
00:23:10,848 --> 00:23:13,517
He goes, "Hey, homie,
remember you got so fucked up,
477
00:23:13,601 --> 00:23:15,436
"you hooked up with that lady,
she had one leg, homie!
478
00:23:15,519 --> 00:23:17,646
Te acuerdas, she had one leg!"
479
00:23:17,730 --> 00:23:21,025
My dad's like,
"No, Henry, that wasn't me, you know?"
480
00:23:21,650 --> 00:23:22,943
"Nah, it was you, eh?
481
00:23:23,027 --> 00:23:26,113
"You remember you left the door cracked
so we could watch, te acuerdas.
482
00:23:26,196 --> 00:23:28,616
"You had her one good leg up like that.
You got down, homie!
483
00:23:28,699 --> 00:23:29,700
You got down!"
484
00:23:29,783 --> 00:23:32,369
My dad's like, "Fuck, bro," you know?
485
00:23:32,453 --> 00:23:34,413
My mom's red.
Smoke coming out of her ears, bro.
486
00:23:34,496 --> 00:23:35,873
She's so pissed.
487
00:23:35,956 --> 00:23:37,875
Really awkward moment, you know?
488
00:23:37,958 --> 00:23:39,501
But me and my sister just looked
at each other like,
489
00:23:39,585 --> 00:23:41,545
"Damn, like, Dad hooked up
with a one-legged jaina?
490
00:23:41,629 --> 00:23:43,839
"Like, that's fucking...
That's pretty cool, you know?
491
00:23:43,923 --> 00:23:45,341
Like, one love, you know?"
492
00:23:48,469 --> 00:23:51,221
I went through my little
wannabe cholo stage myself, homie,
493
00:23:51,305 --> 00:23:53,432
'cause I used to work at that swap meet
with my dad, right?
494
00:23:53,515 --> 00:23:55,809
He would wake me up, bro,
like at 4:00 a.m. on a Saturday.
495
00:23:55,893 --> 00:23:57,061
Like, you don't want to do
that shit as a kid,
496
00:23:57,144 --> 00:23:59,021
like, it's still dark outside, you know?
497
00:23:59,104 --> 00:24:02,483
But you had to go get in line at
the swap meet to get a good spot, right?
498
00:24:02,566 --> 00:24:04,777
And we would sell plants,
legal plants, you know?
499
00:24:05,611 --> 00:24:08,238
But that's where I got my first pair
of Dickies, you know, my white tee.
500
00:24:08,322 --> 00:24:10,658
And I wanted to be down with the homies
and holler at some cholas
501
00:24:10,741 --> 00:24:11,992
and shit, you know?
502
00:24:12,076 --> 00:24:14,995
But I take it home, my mom's like,
"You're not wearing that shit."
503
00:24:15,079 --> 00:24:17,164
My dad's like, "No, no, let him, let him."
504
00:24:17,247 --> 00:24:19,375
He's like, "Hey, but if you're gonna
do it, you're gonna do it right, mijo."
505
00:24:19,458 --> 00:24:21,543
This fool wake me up like
5:30 in the morning, bro,
506
00:24:21,627 --> 00:24:23,420
make me crease my Dickies, right?
507
00:24:23,504 --> 00:24:25,881
Make me crease my white tee, tuck it in.
508
00:24:25,965 --> 00:24:28,092
And it lasted maybe two, three months,
homie, you know what I'm saying?
509
00:24:29,468 --> 00:24:31,428
But on the real, though,
I got sprung on the wrong chola
510
00:24:31,512 --> 00:24:33,931
and I got jumped in a bathroom, you know?
511
00:24:34,014 --> 00:24:36,767
Homie, I got 12 staples
in my head, you know?
512
00:24:36,850 --> 00:24:38,268
I was immediately like, "You know what?
513
00:24:38,352 --> 00:24:40,896
I think I'm gonna be an artist,
you know?"
514
00:24:40,980 --> 00:24:43,774
I switched back to Bugle Boy jeans
and cargo shorts and shit.
515
00:24:43,857 --> 00:24:45,859
Just like...
516
00:24:48,112 --> 00:24:49,989
But yeah, some of my family
believed in me.
517
00:24:50,072 --> 00:24:52,866
Most didn't. Uh...
Nah.
518
00:24:52,950 --> 00:24:54,743
But I've been doing this shit
a long time, right?
519
00:24:54,827 --> 00:24:56,620
Coming on 20 years, bro,
you know what I mean?
520
00:24:56,704 --> 00:24:58,372
And, uh, yeah, thank you.
521
00:25:03,002 --> 00:25:04,962
So, I remember
when I was ten years in, right?
522
00:25:05,045 --> 00:25:06,964
I started when I was 25,
when I first grabbed a mic,
523
00:25:07,047 --> 00:25:08,132
so I was ten years in.
524
00:25:08,215 --> 00:25:11,427
I'm 35 years old, broke as fuck,
sleeping on my homie's couch.
525
00:25:11,510 --> 00:25:12,845
You know, he's charging me
200 bucks a month
526
00:25:12,928 --> 00:25:14,555
'cause, hey, he believed in me.
527
00:25:14,638 --> 00:25:17,307
Uh, but I didn't get nobody pregnant,
you know,
528
00:25:17,391 --> 00:25:21,103
so I was able to pursue my dreams
and, uh, be a starving artist.
529
00:25:21,186 --> 00:25:23,105
But that was weird
for a lot of my family, right?
530
00:25:23,188 --> 00:25:25,190
'Cause there's no 35-year-old male
on either side of my family
531
00:25:25,274 --> 00:25:26,817
that doesn't have kids
and shit, you know?
532
00:25:26,900 --> 00:25:29,570
It was awkward, especially
for my grandma on my dad's side.
533
00:25:29,653 --> 00:25:31,655
Bless her heart, rest in peace,
she was a real one,
534
00:25:31,739 --> 00:25:33,407
but she would talk papas all day, bro.
535
00:25:33,490 --> 00:25:35,951
Just sit on her recliner,
just talk shit all day.
536
00:25:36,035 --> 00:25:39,413
She had no other explanation
why I'd be 35 with no kids,
537
00:25:39,496 --> 00:25:41,540
so she started telling
the rest of the family that I was gay.
538
00:25:41,623 --> 00:25:42,708
You know, it was like...
539
00:25:42,791 --> 00:25:46,670
"Pues tienes 35 años y no tienes hijos,
eres gay, you know?"
540
00:25:52,801 --> 00:25:54,678
So, I had to explain to her.
541
00:25:54,762 --> 00:25:56,805
I said, "No, grandma, abuelita,
542
00:25:56,889 --> 00:25:58,640
like, you can pull out, you know?"
543
00:25:58,724 --> 00:26:00,100
And, uh...
544
00:26:00,184 --> 00:26:02,394
She looked at me baffled,
homie, like, "Que?"
545
00:26:02,478 --> 00:26:04,688
You know, like...
546
00:26:04,772 --> 00:26:07,858
Like, she didn't get the science of it.
Like, eh? Eh? You know, like...
547
00:26:07,941 --> 00:26:09,109
What?
548
00:26:13,197 --> 00:26:15,115
But thankfully, man, gracias a Dios,
549
00:26:15,199 --> 00:26:16,950
you know, when I was 36
it started popping for me.
550
00:26:17,034 --> 00:26:20,245
I started making TV money, touring money.
You know, I started paying my bills.
551
00:26:20,329 --> 00:26:21,914
I bought a home.
I'm a homeowner in Los Angeles.
552
00:26:21,997 --> 00:26:23,624
City I was born in,
you know what I'm saying?
553
00:26:23,707 --> 00:26:25,751
Yeah, you don't gotta clap, yeah.
554
00:26:27,586 --> 00:26:30,756
It's only a one-bedroom condo,
hey, but-- but fuck it, I own that bitch,
555
00:26:30,839 --> 00:26:31,882
you know what I'm saying?
556
00:26:31,965 --> 00:26:33,759
And it is two stories, too,
you know what I mean?
557
00:26:33,842 --> 00:26:35,344
So, I'll be like, "Hey, I'm down here
right now, but shh,
558
00:26:35,427 --> 00:26:37,221
I might want to go up there,
you know what I'm saying?"
559
00:26:38,514 --> 00:26:40,682
That option's available.
560
00:26:40,766 --> 00:26:42,184
You know, and all that.
561
00:26:45,104 --> 00:26:47,064
But, yeah, man,
I do have a big-ass family.
562
00:26:47,147 --> 00:26:49,149
There's a lot of cousins, right?
A lot of primos.
563
00:26:49,233 --> 00:26:51,110
My-- my dad's Mexican,
my mom's Native American,
564
00:26:51,193 --> 00:26:53,904
so it's like, we're fertile, bro,
on both sides, you know?
565
00:26:53,987 --> 00:26:56,281
Both my set of grandparents
got a bunch of kids, too,
566
00:26:56,365 --> 00:26:58,617
so I meet new cousins
every year, you know?
567
00:26:58,700 --> 00:27:00,244
Especially after I made it on TV,
you know, like,
568
00:27:00,327 --> 00:27:02,788
"Hey, primo, we always believed in you,
you know?
569
00:27:02,871 --> 00:27:04,289
Can we get free tickets?"
570
00:27:04,373 --> 00:27:06,625
I'm like, "Oh!"
Like, uh, "What's your name?"
571
00:27:06,708 --> 00:27:08,168
Um, you know?
572
00:27:08,252 --> 00:27:10,003
Nah, but it-- it is cool
when they can verify it.
573
00:27:10,087 --> 00:27:11,797
Like, "Fuck, we are cousins,
you're already 38.
574
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:13,257
I'm just meeting you for the first time."
575
00:27:13,340 --> 00:27:15,717
You know, like...
576
00:27:15,801 --> 00:27:18,512
But I love 'em, man, and a lot of us
did grow up close, right?
577
00:27:18,595 --> 00:27:20,973
A big group of us did.
But statistically, there's a lot of us,
578
00:27:21,056 --> 00:27:22,724
so some are gonna be dumb, you know?
579
00:27:24,643 --> 00:27:26,812
Like, I got one cousin.
580
00:27:26,895 --> 00:27:28,355
Uh, he's pretty dumb.
581
00:27:29,314 --> 00:27:31,942
Um, and he doesn't have a job, homie,
so it's like, fuck, you know?
582
00:27:32,025 --> 00:27:34,903
Like, double whammy, you know, like...
583
00:27:34,987 --> 00:27:36,655
But he's, like,
the first one out of all of us,
584
00:27:36,738 --> 00:27:39,449
always wants to bring up
and discuss, like, world topics and issues
585
00:27:39,533 --> 00:27:41,869
and, like, debate about politics
and shit like that.
586
00:27:41,952 --> 00:27:44,496
We have to be like, "Hey, man, you gotta
calm down with all that, you know?
587
00:27:45,622 --> 00:27:48,041
You need a job to talk about
those things, you know?" Like...
588
00:27:48,125 --> 00:27:50,168
"Oh, what? What?"
589
00:27:56,341 --> 00:27:58,802
But the dumb shit,
I could deal with, right?
590
00:27:58,886 --> 00:28:01,096
But the ignorance,
that's a whole nother thing, man.
591
00:28:01,179 --> 00:28:03,098
I'm constantly talking shit to this fool.
592
00:28:03,181 --> 00:28:05,350
He still makes, like, the played-out
homophobic comments and shit.
593
00:28:05,434 --> 00:28:07,352
Like, "Hey, you're gay,
like, you know, like that,
594
00:28:07,436 --> 00:28:09,563
how you love it, you love it,
you love it."
595
00:28:09,646 --> 00:28:11,440
Like, "No, I don't love it, man,
and what are you doing?
596
00:28:11,523 --> 00:28:14,026
"Like, we're at Target, you know, like...
597
00:28:14,109 --> 00:28:16,945
That's weird behavior, people are staring
at you, you know, like..."
598
00:28:21,283 --> 00:28:23,243
But as dumb as this fool is,
he's still my familia.
599
00:28:23,327 --> 00:28:25,370
He's still my primo, still my sangre,
all that good stuff.
600
00:28:25,454 --> 00:28:27,831
I'm stuck with him, man,
so I do try to help him out when I can.
601
00:28:27,915 --> 00:28:30,626
Like, a few weeks ago,
I took him to lunch.
602
00:28:30,709 --> 00:28:33,045
You know, it was a Tuesday.
I knew he'd be available.
603
00:28:33,128 --> 00:28:36,381
And, uh, we're driving down
the street, right?
604
00:28:36,465 --> 00:28:38,091
And he always makes
these stupid little comments.
605
00:28:38,175 --> 00:28:40,344
We're driving down the street,
take him to a nice sushi lunch.
606
00:28:40,427 --> 00:28:43,055
Maybe the meal will help
his dumb mind out, like, oh, ah.
607
00:28:43,138 --> 00:28:44,306
You know?
608
00:28:46,016 --> 00:28:48,268
But we see two dudes walking down
the street holding hands, right?
609
00:28:48,352 --> 00:28:51,730
Not a big deal, everyday sight.
But he's in the passenger seat, you know?
610
00:28:51,813 --> 00:28:53,690
He sees these guys walking.
611
00:28:54,691 --> 00:28:56,526
And he looks at me, he's like, "Ugh!"
612
00:28:56,610 --> 00:28:58,403
And I'm like,
"Ugh? Where's that coming from?"
613
00:28:58,487 --> 00:29:00,739
He's like, "Well, you know, you know."
614
00:29:01,949 --> 00:29:04,076
And I'm like,
"No, I don't know," you know?
615
00:29:05,786 --> 00:29:07,454
And then he's like,
"Oh, 'cause they're holding hands
616
00:29:07,537 --> 00:29:10,290
and they're on their way to do
their gay activities and everything."
617
00:29:10,374 --> 00:29:12,459
I'm like, "Gay activities?
What's their gay activities?"
618
00:29:12,542 --> 00:29:15,128
"Oh, well, ramming each other, probably."
You know?
619
00:29:15,212 --> 00:29:17,339
I was like, "Wait, wait,
let me get this straight.
620
00:29:17,422 --> 00:29:20,676
So, you're picturing these fools ramming
in your mind right now? Like..."
621
00:29:20,759 --> 00:29:22,803
He's all, "Oh..."
622
00:29:22,886 --> 00:29:26,181
I'm like, "You're the gayest fool in this
whole situation right now, dude."
623
00:29:27,391 --> 00:29:29,393
It was sad I had to explain to him.
I said, "Hey, homie,
624
00:29:29,476 --> 00:29:31,520
the only sexual activity
going on right now is in your mind."
625
00:29:31,603 --> 00:29:34,731
That's fucking crazy. "Oh, what? What?"
626
00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:37,943
I'm like, these dudes are holding hands,
you know?
627
00:29:38,026 --> 00:29:39,444
They're probably not even thinking
about that shit, they're probably like,
628
00:29:39,528 --> 00:29:41,905
"Fuck, we're out of avocados.
It's Randall's birthday on Wednesday.
629
00:29:41,989 --> 00:29:43,865
What are we gonna get him?
Because Randall's our dog."
630
00:29:43,949 --> 00:29:45,325
They have other activities, homie.
631
00:29:45,409 --> 00:29:48,328
So much other shit to do
besides ramming, you know? It's crazy.
632
00:29:50,163 --> 00:29:52,582
You could see him doing the calculations
in his dumb-ass head, like,
633
00:29:52,666 --> 00:29:54,710
"Oh, yeah, I guess they do have
other activities, you know?"
634
00:29:58,005 --> 00:29:59,881
Yeah, homie, they gotta eat,
everything, you know?
635
00:29:59,965 --> 00:30:01,758
It's crazy. Fucking dumbass.
636
00:30:03,427 --> 00:30:05,262
'Cause I don't play that shit, man.
637
00:30:05,345 --> 00:30:07,264
You gotta let a motherfucker
be themselves, you know?
638
00:30:07,347 --> 00:30:10,058
Like I had a uncle, a tío,
who I always thought was gay, bro.
639
00:30:10,142 --> 00:30:12,477
And I was like, "Hey, tío, just come out.
I know you're gonna get a lot of backlash
640
00:30:12,561 --> 00:30:14,271
"from the family, but a lot of us
are gonna support you
641
00:30:14,354 --> 00:30:15,522
and help you, you know?"
642
00:30:15,605 --> 00:30:18,442
But he ended up getting married.
He has three kids now, you know?
643
00:30:18,525 --> 00:30:21,153
That doesn't mean he's not gay.
He kinda just pulled it off, you know?
644
00:30:23,071 --> 00:30:25,282
But growing up, bro,
at the family barbecues.
645
00:30:25,365 --> 00:30:28,243
You know, we're like 11, 12 years old.
You know, they're always on the weekends.
646
00:30:28,326 --> 00:30:29,995
And he was always in soccer
tournaments on the weekends,
647
00:30:30,078 --> 00:30:32,497
so he would show up in his little soccer
shorts, a little too short, you know?
648
00:30:32,581 --> 00:30:35,667
But his legs were all muscular and tan.
He was always hopping around, you know?
649
00:30:35,751 --> 00:30:37,586
And he had the Mexican mullet,
like the paisa mullet.
650
00:30:37,669 --> 00:30:39,379
Like, "Ah, fuck. Ah."
651
00:30:42,507 --> 00:30:44,676
I'm like, "Tío, stay still. I'm trying
to give you a plate of asada."
652
00:30:44,760 --> 00:30:46,470
Like, "Ah, dámelo, ah."
653
00:30:52,684 --> 00:30:54,603
'Sup, big homie, bro?
654
00:30:54,686 --> 00:30:56,271
- How you doing?
- I'm from LA too, bro.
655
00:30:56,354 --> 00:30:58,482
What's up? Why you talking like that
when you're white?
656
00:31:00,567 --> 00:31:02,277
Oh, you're Mexicano?
Oh, you're the güerito.
657
00:31:02,360 --> 00:31:03,904
Yeah, that's what's up.
658
00:31:03,987 --> 00:31:05,864
Damn, that's crazy. Look.
659
00:31:06,990 --> 00:31:08,867
Nah, thanks for coming, bro.
660
00:31:08,950 --> 00:31:10,952
Thanks for coming, bro.
I appreciate it. Hell yeah.
661
00:31:11,036 --> 00:31:13,121
The güeritos are out there.
We got Canelo and all that shit, yeah.
662
00:31:15,957 --> 00:31:19,294
It's crazy, man. That's why I trip out,
uh, when you meet hippies.
663
00:31:19,377 --> 00:31:21,671
A lot of times hippies--
and God bless the hippies.
664
00:31:21,755 --> 00:31:23,465
I dated one for almost four years.
665
00:31:23,548 --> 00:31:26,051
But a lot of times, you go to their house
and their house is a little dirty.
666
00:31:26,134 --> 00:31:28,887
You know, they like to bring some of the
earth inside with them, you know, uh...
667
00:31:32,057 --> 00:31:33,850
But they'll always have some kind of sign,
668
00:31:33,934 --> 00:31:36,269
either in their front yard or a sticker
in their front window that says, like,
669
00:31:36,353 --> 00:31:37,854
"Oh, save the Earth." Or...
670
00:31:37,938 --> 00:31:41,191
It's like, dang, like,
clean your house, you know? Like...
671
00:31:41,274 --> 00:31:43,360
That's crazy you have that sign
out there like that, like...
672
00:31:47,656 --> 00:31:50,408
But I do think we should be good to
the Earth while we're here, for sure, man.
673
00:31:50,492 --> 00:31:52,452
I think that's important, you know?
674
00:31:52,536 --> 00:31:55,413
But you know, to be s-selfish
and think we're in charge of the planet.
675
00:31:55,497 --> 00:31:57,124
Like, the planet's been here
billions of years.
676
00:31:57,207 --> 00:31:58,291
Billions, bro.
677
00:31:58,375 --> 00:31:59,835
The dinosaurs already got us beat.
678
00:31:59,918 --> 00:32:03,505
They were here 165 million years.
We've been here six million.
679
00:32:03,588 --> 00:32:04,965
I hate to burst your bubble,
680
00:32:05,048 --> 00:32:07,092
but I don't think we're gonna
make it another 159 million years,
681
00:32:07,175 --> 00:32:09,094
you know what I'm saying?
682
00:32:09,177 --> 00:32:10,595
But I trip out on that.
683
00:32:10,679 --> 00:32:13,473
The dinosaurs, 165 million years.
"Hey, we run this shit."
684
00:32:13,557 --> 00:32:15,517
And the T-Rex was the metal-metal,
the OG on the block.
685
00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:17,269
"I run this game, rawr."
686
00:32:17,352 --> 00:32:19,729
But all that strength and all that power,
687
00:32:19,813 --> 00:32:22,357
and when he's ramming his lady,
he can never slap her ass, homie,
688
00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:24,609
or grab the waist
'cause-- 'cause of his little arms.
689
00:32:32,492 --> 00:32:34,953
All that dino dick
and he can't slap the ass, bro.
690
00:32:35,036 --> 00:32:36,413
Just like...
691
00:32:38,165 --> 00:32:40,792
That's why the guy's roaring all the time.
He's fucking pissed, man.
692
00:32:40,876 --> 00:32:44,004
I mean, it's right there. Just...
693
00:32:46,965 --> 00:32:49,467
Other dinosaurs talk shit, you know?
694
00:32:49,551 --> 00:32:52,596
Couple pterodactyls in the tree.
"Look at this fool, cousin.
695
00:32:53,555 --> 00:32:55,599
"He can't even slap the ass.
696
00:32:55,682 --> 00:32:58,059
Oh, shit, he heard us. Go."
697
00:33:02,606 --> 00:33:03,773
Like, that really happened.
698
00:33:03,857 --> 00:33:06,026
That's crazy to think about,
you know, for millions of years.
699
00:33:08,904 --> 00:33:11,406
We never know
what's gonna happen, bro, you know?
700
00:33:11,489 --> 00:33:15,493
I tell you what, at the end of 2019,
that was when I started saving up money.
701
00:33:15,577 --> 00:33:18,163
I was like, oh, it's happening, finally.
You know, 2020 is coming.
702
00:33:18,246 --> 00:33:20,207
I got my condo in February of 2020.
703
00:33:20,290 --> 00:33:22,334
This gonna be my year, finally.
704
00:33:22,417 --> 00:33:24,461
And then, nah, you know?
705
00:33:25,629 --> 00:33:27,631
That was a fucked-up-ass year, homie,
you know?
706
00:33:29,174 --> 00:33:30,884
And I'll never forget this, right?
707
00:33:30,967 --> 00:33:32,761
I was touring with one of my best friends,
Craig Robinson.
708
00:33:32,844 --> 00:33:35,555
We're on the East Coast.
I'm in Buffalo, New York, right?
709
00:33:35,639 --> 00:33:38,141
It's like March 10th, 11th,
leading up to the bullshit.
710
00:33:38,225 --> 00:33:40,310
We're in the hotel lobby watching
the news. Everybody's like, what?
711
00:33:40,393 --> 00:33:41,728
'Cause we were just doing our thing
out there, we're like, "What are you
712
00:33:41,811 --> 00:33:43,647
talking about, shutting everything down?
Is this really gonna happen?"
713
00:33:43,730 --> 00:33:45,774
We end up being
one of the last flights, bro,
714
00:33:45,857 --> 00:33:47,651
to be from JFK, New York, to LAX, right?
715
00:33:47,734 --> 00:33:49,486
They didn't even let us in the terminal.
They put everybody in stairs.
716
00:33:49,569 --> 00:33:50,862
Everybody's tripping,
but we made it back.
717
00:33:50,946 --> 00:33:52,614
We get back to LAX.
It's shutting down already.
718
00:33:52,697 --> 00:33:53,782
Call my family.
719
00:33:53,865 --> 00:33:57,118
"Hey, you guys, I made it back.
This shit's crazy, but I'm at LAX.
720
00:33:57,202 --> 00:33:58,745
"I'll come over.
We'll hunker down together.
721
00:33:58,828 --> 00:34:00,372
We're gonna get through this."
722
00:34:00,455 --> 00:34:02,624
And they were like,
"Nah, mijo, you're tripping. Uh...
723
00:34:04,084 --> 00:34:06,336
"Like, you're over there doing
comedy shows and meet-and-greets
724
00:34:06,419 --> 00:34:07,796
"and high-fiving folks
at the airport and shit,
725
00:34:07,879 --> 00:34:10,507
like, 'Hey, positive vibes,' you know?"
726
00:34:10,590 --> 00:34:13,385
They're like, "Keep your positive vibes
right there in your two stories, uh...
727
00:34:14,552 --> 00:34:17,222
Like, we don't know what this shit is."
I'm like, "Fuck, alright."
728
00:34:18,723 --> 00:34:20,517
And I don't do well alone,
you know what I'm saying?
729
00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:22,686
I could live alone,
but I gotta get this shit in.
730
00:34:22,769 --> 00:34:25,021
Like, hey, what's up, people?
Gente energy.
731
00:34:25,105 --> 00:34:26,856
Then I get, hey, by myself, you know?
732
00:34:26,940 --> 00:34:29,150
But when it was just that, homie,
ah, like the walls come in on me.
733
00:34:29,234 --> 00:34:31,361
You know, I start thinking weird shit.
734
00:34:31,444 --> 00:34:32,654
What does your existence even mean?
735
00:34:32,737 --> 00:34:34,447
We're all gonna die anyway.
The T-Rex. Ah, fuck.
736
00:34:34,531 --> 00:34:36,408
You know?
Like, fuck.
737
00:34:38,994 --> 00:34:41,871
But then, I thought, okay,
maybe silver lining here, you know?
738
00:34:42,831 --> 00:34:45,208
Maybe an opportunity to work on myself.
739
00:34:46,251 --> 00:34:48,378
So, I started doing that shit, homie.
I started drinking tea and shit.
740
00:34:48,461 --> 00:34:50,130
Never drank no fucking tea, homie.
741
00:34:50,213 --> 00:34:52,048
I'm drinking tea, reading self-help books,
742
00:34:52,132 --> 00:34:53,967
trying to face my demons
and become a better person,
743
00:34:54,050 --> 00:34:55,260
but that shit got played out quick, man.
744
00:34:55,343 --> 00:34:57,095
I'm like, "Fuck that, I wanna party."
You know?
745
00:34:58,597 --> 00:34:59,973
So, I went through
what a lot of us went through.
746
00:35:00,056 --> 00:35:02,017
I started getting fucked up, homie,
you know?
747
00:35:02,100 --> 00:35:04,686
I was getting BevMo! orders to the crib,
just trying to make it to 1:00 p.m.
748
00:35:04,769 --> 00:35:06,229
Like, alright, 1:00 p.m.?
Fuck it, happy hour.
749
00:35:06,313 --> 00:35:07,564
Like, hey! You know, like...
750
00:35:07,647 --> 00:35:10,191
Going up and down my stairs,
grab the rail, pandemic.
751
00:35:10,275 --> 00:35:11,735
You know?
752
00:35:13,361 --> 00:35:16,573
And all of a sudden,
myself and all my friends and family
753
00:35:16,656 --> 00:35:19,200
were scientists and doctors, you know?
Fuck, what a terrible time.
754
00:35:19,284 --> 00:35:22,037
"No, I read an article, bro, I know how it
transfers in the perimeter for like--"
755
00:35:22,120 --> 00:35:23,747
Shut the fuck up. You don't know shit.
756
00:35:25,498 --> 00:35:27,167
But I read this one article, uh...
757
00:35:28,376 --> 00:35:31,171
Some of you might have read it, though.
Legit-looking article, man.
758
00:35:31,254 --> 00:35:33,423
It looked all medical and shit.
It had a diagram.
759
00:35:33,506 --> 00:35:36,468
And it said, like, if-- if you feel like
you were exposed to COVID,
760
00:35:36,551 --> 00:35:39,179
if you do cocaine,
it would clear the shit out, you know?
761
00:35:39,262 --> 00:35:42,057
It was legit, bro. It had science facts
backing it up and everything.
762
00:35:42,140 --> 00:35:44,434
So, I said, "Well, fuck, I don't want
to catch this shit," you know?
763
00:35:45,894 --> 00:35:48,396
I gotta be smart about this, you know?
764
00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:51,232
So, I text one of my other cousins
who's good at calculations.
765
00:35:51,316 --> 00:35:52,692
He sells cocaine.
766
00:35:52,776 --> 00:35:54,944
And, uh, within the hour,
767
00:35:55,028 --> 00:35:57,113
there's a eight-ball in my mailbox, right?
768
00:35:57,197 --> 00:35:59,115
So, I go out there,
but I was safe about it.
769
00:35:59,199 --> 00:36:01,826
Put the disposable gloves on and shit,
you know?
770
00:36:01,910 --> 00:36:03,745
Got to the mailbox, pulled it out,
771
00:36:03,828 --> 00:36:05,622
brought it into my kitchen,
put it on the kitchen counter,
772
00:36:05,705 --> 00:36:08,375
chopped it up, lowered my mask.
Alright, kill the COVID.
773
00:36:08,458 --> 00:36:11,294
Yeah, the internet says shelter in place.
You're a good person, you know?
774
00:36:13,672 --> 00:36:16,758
And to do cocaine by yourself's
a little bit of a red flag, you know, so.
775
00:36:18,134 --> 00:36:20,470
It got weird for a little homie
real quick, bro.
776
00:36:20,553 --> 00:36:22,389
I was really in there
trying to kill the COVID.
777
00:36:22,472 --> 00:36:23,973
All sweaty with my shirt off
like a little gremlin.
778
00:36:24,057 --> 00:36:26,559
"That COVID's
not getting me, homie.
779
00:36:26,643 --> 00:36:28,478
Shelter in place, homie. Yeah."
780
00:36:29,437 --> 00:36:32,315
Holding my bottle of tequila
like a baby, "The baby!"
781
00:36:34,901 --> 00:36:36,528
Like, fuck, what are you doing, man?
782
00:36:37,821 --> 00:36:40,490
And I was getting so lonely, homie. Fuck!
783
00:36:40,573 --> 00:36:42,701
To be drunk, high, and lonely,
that's never gonna end good,
784
00:36:42,784 --> 00:36:44,744
you know, like, damn.
785
00:36:44,828 --> 00:36:48,248
And like I said, bro, I've been doing
this shit a long time, right?
786
00:36:48,331 --> 00:36:50,667
And over 20 years ago, that's when
we started doing YouTube videos.
787
00:36:50,750 --> 00:36:53,420
And you gotta start somewhere.
You gotta figure this shit out.
788
00:36:53,503 --> 00:36:54,879
So, in the beginning,
we were getting experimental.
789
00:36:54,963 --> 00:36:56,506
I was working with these guys.
And for one of the videos,
790
00:36:56,589 --> 00:36:58,842
I had to purchase a fake butt, right?
791
00:36:58,925 --> 00:37:01,886
It's like a mold of a porn star's butt,
comes in a box.
792
00:37:01,970 --> 00:37:03,638
It has the holes,
like fools do things with it,
793
00:37:03,722 --> 00:37:05,348
but we got it for comedy, you know?
794
00:37:13,481 --> 00:37:15,817
Hey, homie, but these things
are like 400 or 500 bucks, right?
795
00:37:15,900 --> 00:37:17,485
So, I'm not gonna throw it away.
796
00:37:17,569 --> 00:37:21,865
Like, maybe we'll use it another day
for another video, you know?
797
00:37:21,948 --> 00:37:24,117
So, it was in that one big box
of random shit
798
00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:25,744
that I didn't want to throw away.
799
00:37:25,827 --> 00:37:28,747
Just moving with me apartment
to apartment over 15 years, bro,
800
00:37:28,830 --> 00:37:30,790
ending up with me in my condo, you know?
801
00:37:30,874 --> 00:37:32,709
And, uh...
802
00:37:32,792 --> 00:37:34,711
and it was a trip, you know,
'cause I live in Hollywood.
803
00:37:34,794 --> 00:37:37,589
It was incredible to see Sunset Boulevard,
Hollywood Boulevard just empty, bro.
804
00:37:37,672 --> 00:37:39,340
It was like a movie.
I know it was like that a lot of places.
805
00:37:39,424 --> 00:37:42,051
But I was like,
"Fuck, man, all the bars are closed."
806
00:37:42,135 --> 00:37:44,387
I was single at the time.
Still am single, you know?
807
00:37:44,471 --> 00:37:45,889
But, uh...
808
00:37:45,972 --> 00:37:47,640
But it was tough, man. You know?
809
00:37:47,724 --> 00:37:49,434
I was really going through a tough time.
810
00:37:49,517 --> 00:37:50,852
Like, damn, so lonely. You know?
811
00:37:50,935 --> 00:37:53,730
I was in my bed
on the second floor, you know,
812
00:37:53,813 --> 00:37:55,190
tossing and turning.
813
00:37:55,273 --> 00:37:58,109
Just, ah, I'll take whatever kind
of jaina, any kind of girl right now.
814
00:37:58,193 --> 00:38:00,820
Like, I'm so lonely, you know?
It was hurting.
815
00:38:00,904 --> 00:38:03,239
But then, I started thinking, well,
hey, man, there's that butt in there.
816
00:38:03,323 --> 00:38:04,949
You know, uh...
817
00:38:05,033 --> 00:38:08,119
It's in the closet, for sure,
in that box, you know?
818
00:38:10,038 --> 00:38:12,081
But I tried to fight it.
I did, you know?
819
00:38:13,374 --> 00:38:15,919
I said, uh, "Please don't," you know?
820
00:38:19,422 --> 00:38:21,424
I started thinking
about my family and shit.
821
00:38:21,508 --> 00:38:24,093
I'm like-- like, "Damn, man, your mom
and dad came from nothing, homie.
822
00:38:24,177 --> 00:38:25,386
"The hood, you know?
823
00:38:25,470 --> 00:38:29,349
"And they worked so hard and sacrificed
so much to create opportunities for you.
824
00:38:29,432 --> 00:38:30,767
"And I don't think these were
the opportunities
825
00:38:30,850 --> 00:38:32,185
they were thinking, you know?"
826
00:38:33,478 --> 00:38:36,856
But you can only vacuum and clean out
the refrigerator so many times, right?
827
00:38:38,107 --> 00:38:40,026
So, I don't know why I did this, man,
828
00:38:40,109 --> 00:38:42,111
but I pulled it out
and I set it up on a pillow
829
00:38:42,195 --> 00:38:43,696
in the middle of my room
to, like, present it to myself.
830
00:38:43,780 --> 00:38:46,199
Like, oh, fuck, there you are. Like...
831
00:38:46,282 --> 00:38:47,617
I even got a little insecure
in front of it.
832
00:38:47,700 --> 00:38:50,078
Like, fuck, should I take
a shower, homie? Like, damn.
833
00:38:50,161 --> 00:38:51,996
Little fucking thing looks good, you know?
834
00:38:53,331 --> 00:38:55,124
And I'm pacing around this thing.
I know a lot of you
835
00:38:55,208 --> 00:38:57,085
have seen these things.
It's just that section, bro.
836
00:38:57,168 --> 00:38:59,671
Like, the legs are cut off right there,
the waist right there.
837
00:38:59,754 --> 00:39:01,756
It looks like a tree stump,
but with butt cheeks, you know?
838
00:39:01,840 --> 00:39:03,633
You're like, oh!
839
00:39:03,716 --> 00:39:06,219
Wow, I'm just fucking
tripping out on this thing.
840
00:39:06,302 --> 00:39:08,179
I had all the time in the world, you know?
841
00:39:08,263 --> 00:39:10,306
I was kinda like a breakdancer,
waiting for the right beat to drop.
842
00:39:10,390 --> 00:39:11,558
Like, is this it?
843
00:39:16,479 --> 00:39:19,941
But I said, "Nah, this can't be, man.
You're not gonna do this weird shit."
844
00:39:21,484 --> 00:39:24,696
But, yeah, I got in there. Um...
845
00:39:26,865 --> 00:39:28,324
Yeah.
846
00:39:29,993 --> 00:39:32,829
Just little Mexican dude, homie,
all coked out, planking over this butt.
847
00:39:34,330 --> 00:39:36,291
Sorry, not that aggressive, yeah.
848
00:39:36,374 --> 00:39:38,293
I was actually more like
slow motion, homie.
849
00:39:38,376 --> 00:39:40,503
'Cause I was like 92% sad, homie.
850
00:39:40,587 --> 00:39:42,755
The condition of my life, the world,
851
00:39:42,839 --> 00:39:45,174
my actions in that moment,
you know, I was sad about it.
852
00:39:45,258 --> 00:39:47,510
But that 8% that was left over
853
00:39:47,594 --> 00:39:49,345
kept me in it just enough,
you know?
854
00:39:50,638 --> 00:39:51,890
I was trying to talk myself through it.
855
00:39:51,973 --> 00:39:54,267
Like, "Don't feel bad, man.
Like, people do this, you know?
856
00:39:54,350 --> 00:39:56,394
"Like, that's why they make
these products.
857
00:39:56,477 --> 00:39:58,646
"Like, they buy 'em, they take 'em home,
they do this shit.
858
00:39:58,730 --> 00:40:01,774
It feels good, right?
No, yeah, it feels good."
859
00:40:01,858 --> 00:40:03,276
Um, then I finished--
860
00:40:03,359 --> 00:40:05,278
Ugh! It felt all weird.
861
00:40:05,361 --> 00:40:06,696
I don't even know
if I should have felt weird.
862
00:40:06,779 --> 00:40:08,948
It's probably the safest thing
I could have done, you know?
863
00:40:09,032 --> 00:40:12,535
But I jumped into the covers
all dramatic, like, "No! Why?"
864
00:40:15,872 --> 00:40:17,415
And when I woke up in the morning, bro,
865
00:40:17,498 --> 00:40:19,542
I was hoping it was a bad dream,
hoping it was all a bad dream,
866
00:40:19,626 --> 00:40:20,919
everything going on.
867
00:40:21,002 --> 00:40:24,005
But I wake up and the light's shining
perfectly through the blinds, you know?
868
00:40:24,088 --> 00:40:26,215
All cinematic, bro, like sun rays
869
00:40:26,299 --> 00:40:28,343
on these butt cheeks
looking up at me, you know?
870
00:40:28,426 --> 00:40:30,428
Like, "Hey, I'm your lady now."
871
00:40:30,511 --> 00:40:33,723
Like, what the fuck, bro?
This is crazy, you know?
872
00:40:35,391 --> 00:40:38,144
And then, I thought they were just gonna
have to clear this shit out of the air.
873
00:40:38,227 --> 00:40:40,772
Eh, one, two months or whatever,
whatever this weird shit is.
874
00:40:40,855 --> 00:40:44,317
But nah, they're like, the governor
said a long time, so I was like, fuck.
875
00:40:44,400 --> 00:40:46,903
So, the butt never made it back
into the closet, you know?
876
00:40:46,986 --> 00:40:48,237
It became the homie.
877
00:40:48,321 --> 00:40:49,948
Like, I have a big-ass
California king, bro.
878
00:40:50,031 --> 00:40:51,950
I just left it right there. Eh...
879
00:40:52,033 --> 00:40:53,993
"Are you cold?
You want a blanket?" You know?
880
00:40:56,162 --> 00:40:57,622
I started talking to it, bro. I--
881
00:40:57,705 --> 00:40:59,248
It's female parts, but I named it Bruce
882
00:40:59,332 --> 00:41:01,834
just to have a homie
to keep my sanity, you know?
883
00:41:03,836 --> 00:41:06,297
I was kind of like, what's-his-name,
uh, Tom Hanks, bro,
884
00:41:06,381 --> 00:41:09,634
and his volleyball, Wilson, you know?
Except mine was a pair of butt cheeks.
885
00:41:09,717 --> 00:41:11,511
Like, "Hey, we're gonna get
through this," you know?
886
00:41:16,849 --> 00:41:19,936
And to clean these things out, man,
is humiliating, right?
887
00:41:20,019 --> 00:41:21,062
Yeah.
888
00:41:21,145 --> 00:41:23,356
Some of you know, you motherfuckers,
I know you do.
889
00:41:24,732 --> 00:41:26,693
It's basically like a horseshoe
shape on the inside.
890
00:41:26,776 --> 00:41:30,363
You gotta flush it out from the butt
through the vagina, hey, you know?
891
00:41:30,446 --> 00:41:33,074
But I didn't do it in the house.
I'm not an animal, you know, uh...
892
00:41:33,950 --> 00:41:35,743
I would take it to the backyard...
893
00:41:36,619 --> 00:41:39,580
and plug the holes into the butthole,
but all sad about it, like...
894
00:41:49,048 --> 00:41:52,510
I would take it back in the house like,
"Hey, uh, like, new beginnings," you know?
895
00:41:59,225 --> 00:42:00,810
Then, they're like,
"This shit's gonna go at least a year."
896
00:42:00,893 --> 00:42:03,187
I'm like, "A year, what the fuck?"
897
00:42:03,271 --> 00:42:05,857
So, I was like, alright, I gotta get
something fresh then, just to survive,
898
00:42:05,940 --> 00:42:08,359
because this thing was sitting
in a cardboard box for over 15 years,
899
00:42:08,443 --> 00:42:10,570
so it was a little brittle, you know?
Like, hey, you know?
900
00:42:12,238 --> 00:42:14,323
So, I was like, alright.
This is when it got interesting.
901
00:42:14,407 --> 00:42:15,867
Some of you might have experiences.
902
00:42:15,950 --> 00:42:17,577
I go to Amazon to the sex toy section,
903
00:42:17,660 --> 00:42:19,829
look for another companion
of some kind.
904
00:42:19,912 --> 00:42:22,915
Hey, but like 90%
of all the shit was sold out.
905
00:42:22,999 --> 00:42:25,835
So, I was like, "Oh, shit,
I'm not alone," you know, like...
906
00:42:25,918 --> 00:42:27,462
I felt connected with the world.
907
00:42:27,545 --> 00:42:29,839
Like, "Oh, we're going through
this shit, crazy, you know?"
908
00:42:31,799 --> 00:42:34,135
But one thing they still had available
for purchase at the time, man,
909
00:42:34,218 --> 00:42:36,137
was this thermos, right?
Nice-looking thermos, man.
910
00:42:36,220 --> 00:42:38,056
It was black with the chrome lining.
911
00:42:38,139 --> 00:42:40,308
Looked like a CEO's thermos, you know?
912
00:42:40,391 --> 00:42:42,477
But you pop the top, though,
and there's a-- a panocha in there.
913
00:42:42,560 --> 00:42:44,520
A vagina. You're like, "Oh, shit."
914
00:42:44,604 --> 00:42:48,524
Uh, peeky-boo, you know?
So, I ordered this thing, man.
915
00:42:48,608 --> 00:42:51,819
In the middle of a lockdown, bro,
Amazon has it on my doorstep the next day.
916
00:42:51,903 --> 00:42:53,613
So, I go out there
in my disposable gloves.
917
00:42:53,696 --> 00:42:56,616
"Hey, congratulations," you know?
And-- and that was my life, man.
918
00:42:56,699 --> 00:42:58,868
I'm rocking around my house drunk,
high, with this thermos,
919
00:42:58,951 --> 00:43:00,536
talking to the butt cheeks
like a little gremlin.
920
00:43:00,620 --> 00:43:02,330
"Hey, the world's crazy, huh? What a trip.
921
00:43:02,413 --> 00:43:04,123
Like, we're gonna get through this."
922
00:43:06,042 --> 00:43:08,044
And I have a big-ass
living room window, right?
923
00:43:08,127 --> 00:43:10,171
Big old living room window,
and I'm going to close the curtain
924
00:43:10,254 --> 00:43:12,632
'cause I'm ready to get down
with this thing, I just got it.
925
00:43:12,715 --> 00:43:15,301
And I'm almost to the curtain, bro,
and my neighbors walk by.
926
00:43:15,384 --> 00:43:17,929
I'm like, "Fuck!"
And I live in a nice building.
927
00:43:18,012 --> 00:43:20,098
I have white neighbors and shit,
like really nice people.
928
00:43:20,181 --> 00:43:21,974
And they bring me food and shit.
"Frankie, we made extra today."
929
00:43:22,058 --> 00:43:23,267
I'm like, "Oh, I love you guys."
930
00:43:23,351 --> 00:43:25,061
So, I was like, damn, bro,
they just caught me.
931
00:43:25,144 --> 00:43:27,897
I don't even have my shirt on,
my nipples are out. I'm all coked out.
932
00:43:27,980 --> 00:43:29,565
I just clenched the thermos
in embarrassment, like...
933
00:43:32,860 --> 00:43:35,113
But they just waved all nice.
934
00:43:35,196 --> 00:43:37,782
Like, "Oh, look, Frankie's having coffee."
935
00:43:39,784 --> 00:43:41,994
Like, nah, I'm gonna fuck this thing, man.
You know?
936
00:43:42,078 --> 00:43:44,455
There's a vagina inside of it.
937
00:43:50,336 --> 00:43:51,838
Thanks for letting me
get vulnerable with you.
938
00:43:51,921 --> 00:43:54,382
Like, ah, that's some crazy shit.
939
00:43:55,800 --> 00:43:59,178
But that's when I knew, man,
you know, that I needed to go to rehab.
940
00:43:59,262 --> 00:44:00,429
I was like, "Damn."
941
00:44:01,305 --> 00:44:03,516
'Cause everybody
has a different rock-bottom,
942
00:44:03,599 --> 00:44:05,893
but the bottom I hit was silicone.
You know, so...
943
00:44:09,689 --> 00:44:11,440
So, I was like, alright, you know?
944
00:44:11,524 --> 00:44:14,277
I had saved up a little money already.
Let me invest in myself, you know?
945
00:44:14,360 --> 00:44:15,987
So, I go to this nice place in Utah, bro.
946
00:44:16,070 --> 00:44:17,488
For those that don't know,
947
00:44:17,572 --> 00:44:19,782
Mormons run the whole state
of Utah, right?
948
00:44:19,866 --> 00:44:22,577
They're not even allowed to--
to drink coffee or alcohol, nonetheless,
949
00:44:22,660 --> 00:44:25,496
so they do drugs and help you get off 'em,
you know what I'm saying? Ahh.
950
00:44:25,580 --> 00:44:27,415
God bless the Mormons.
They helped me get sober, you know?
951
00:44:27,498 --> 00:44:28,749
They have nice facilities, bro.
952
00:44:28,833 --> 00:44:31,711
Even had horses there, 'cause they have
a thing called horse therapy,
953
00:44:31,794 --> 00:44:33,629
where you walk with 'em 'cause
the horses can, like, feel your energy.
954
00:44:33,713 --> 00:44:35,631
Like, "Hey, you're fucked up, huh?"
955
00:44:35,715 --> 00:44:37,592
I'm like-- I'm like,
"How'd you know, horsey?
956
00:44:37,675 --> 00:44:40,136
Like, damn, knowing my life like that?"
957
00:44:41,429 --> 00:44:43,472
It's a trip, scientifically.
958
00:44:45,016 --> 00:44:49,437
But damn, bro, they had this thing
called Family Week, right?
959
00:44:49,520 --> 00:44:52,732
So, I take my mom and dad out there, bro.
Bring 'em out, right?
960
00:44:52,815 --> 00:44:55,026
And they do-- do a thing
called the Ring of Fire.
961
00:44:55,109 --> 00:44:57,028
This shit is crazy, homie.
962
00:44:57,111 --> 00:45:00,364
So, you go, you know, you're sitting,
like, knee to knee
963
00:45:00,448 --> 00:45:02,450
with your spouse or your loved ones.
In this case, it was my parents.
964
00:45:02,533 --> 00:45:04,452
They're facing you,
so your knees are touching.
965
00:45:04,535 --> 00:45:06,579
And there's a circle
of all the other families and people.
966
00:45:06,662 --> 00:45:08,873
It was all white people.
This place was really expensive.
967
00:45:08,956 --> 00:45:11,167
So, I'm just like, fuck,
like, I made it, you know? But...
968
00:45:12,210 --> 00:45:14,045
But they're all around,
it's a really emotional thing.
969
00:45:14,128 --> 00:45:16,547
I would never have pictured my mom and dad
doing some shit like this.
970
00:45:16,631 --> 00:45:18,299
They're from the 'hood,
homie, but we had to get to it
971
00:45:18,382 --> 00:45:19,800
'cause I was ready
to fuckin' lose everything.
972
00:45:19,884 --> 00:45:21,469
I was gonna lose my life.
I was on a sick one, homie.
973
00:45:22,929 --> 00:45:25,097
So, we're like, "Hey, let's get
through this, let's process this shit."
974
00:45:25,181 --> 00:45:26,974
I dropped this feria.
Let's do it, you know?
975
00:45:27,058 --> 00:45:29,143
So, we're there, homie,
sitting knee to knee.
976
00:45:29,227 --> 00:45:31,979
The people are circled around us.
There's...
977
00:45:32,063 --> 00:45:33,814
You know, and then
there's the therapist there.
978
00:45:33,898 --> 00:45:36,484
She starts guiding you.
She goes, "Okay, so let's do it.
979
00:45:36,567 --> 00:45:39,070
Let's process this trauma.
Talk about your problems."
980
00:45:39,153 --> 00:45:41,572
I'm like, "Whoa."
I'm looking around nervously, like,
981
00:45:41,656 --> 00:45:43,491
"Wow, I rammed a bunch of gorditas."
982
00:45:43,574 --> 00:45:45,326
Uh...
983
00:45:45,409 --> 00:45:47,703
I was like, uh,
"I was molested by a family member."
984
00:45:47,787 --> 00:45:50,998
Um, "I was fucking this fake butt
and this thermos."
985
00:45:51,082 --> 00:45:53,292
She goes, "Oh, my goodness.
Like, what was that?
986
00:45:53,376 --> 00:45:54,502
What did you just say?"
987
00:45:54,585 --> 00:45:57,630
I was like, "Wow, yeah, that thermos
has a vagina inside of it, you know?"
988
00:45:57,713 --> 00:45:59,966
She goes, "No, not that, the other thing."
989
00:46:00,049 --> 00:46:02,468
I go, "Oh, I should have
called those gorditas back.
990
00:46:02,551 --> 00:46:04,845
You know, I feel bad."
She goes, "No, the other thing."
991
00:46:04,929 --> 00:46:07,098
I was like, "Oh, that I was molested
by a family member?"
992
00:46:07,181 --> 00:46:10,059
She goes,
"Yes, that. Let's talk about it."
993
00:46:10,142 --> 00:46:12,061
And I said, "Well, I don't really want
to talk about that, you know?
994
00:46:12,144 --> 00:46:14,188
It's like, talk about good shit,
you know?"
995
00:46:14,272 --> 00:46:18,109
She goes, "No, no, no. We gotta get to it.
Have you ever talked to anybody about it?"
996
00:46:18,192 --> 00:46:20,528
I was like, "Well, I did get all fucked up
one time and emotional.
997
00:46:20,611 --> 00:46:23,155
"I told one of my OG homies, like,
'Hey, fool, I was fucking molested.
998
00:46:23,239 --> 00:46:24,824
"Fucked me up in the head, you know?'
999
00:46:24,907 --> 00:46:28,536
"And he goes, 'Hey, homie,
don't talk about that gay shit, right?'
1000
00:46:28,619 --> 00:46:30,830
"I was like-- I was like,
'Well, fuck, what do I do then, homie?'
1001
00:46:30,913 --> 00:46:32,373
"He's like, 'You fucking suppress.'
1002
00:46:34,000 --> 00:46:35,334
"And I was like, 'Well, and then what?'
1003
00:46:35,418 --> 00:46:37,044
"'Compartmentalize.'
1004
00:46:37,962 --> 00:46:39,630
"'Oh, compartmentalize.
And then what, homie?'
1005
00:46:39,714 --> 00:46:42,550
"'I-I don't know, homie, then you let it
manufacture itself into a disease
1006
00:46:42,633 --> 00:46:44,719
"and you die like a fucking man
one day, homie.
1007
00:46:44,802 --> 00:46:46,595
"Talk about that gay shit, the fuck?'
1008
00:46:46,679 --> 00:46:48,889
And I'm like,
'Okay, sorry, homie,' you know?"
1009
00:46:48,973 --> 00:46:51,517
So, then the therapist is like,
"Have you ever told your family?"
1010
00:46:51,600 --> 00:46:54,020
And I was like,
I just looked at 'em frozen.
1011
00:46:54,103 --> 00:46:56,188
She's like, "Go ahead and tell 'em.
They're right in front of you right now.
1012
00:46:56,272 --> 00:46:57,440
Tell 'em right now."
1013
00:46:57,523 --> 00:46:59,859
I'm like, "Fuck."
I was like, "I did tell 'em.
1014
00:46:59,942 --> 00:47:01,819
"And then like a month later,
1015
00:47:01,902 --> 00:47:03,946
"they still invited him
to the family reunion barbecue
1016
00:47:04,030 --> 00:47:05,323
knowing I was gonna be there."
1017
00:47:05,406 --> 00:47:06,574
Ooh.
1018
00:47:06,657 --> 00:47:07,867
And she's like,
"How'd that make you feel?"
1019
00:47:07,950 --> 00:47:10,328
I was like,
"You know, it made me feel hurt.
1020
00:47:10,411 --> 00:47:11,829
"Made me feel betrayed.
1021
00:47:14,123 --> 00:47:16,167
"But I know why they did it, I understand.
1022
00:47:17,710 --> 00:47:21,088
'Cause that fool makes
a bomb-ass carne asada, you know?"
1023
00:47:21,172 --> 00:47:23,341
I'm crying, bro. My dad's crying.
1024
00:47:23,424 --> 00:47:26,052
He looks up at me, says...
1025
00:47:26,135 --> 00:47:28,554
"He does, mijo.
1026
00:47:28,637 --> 00:47:30,639
"But that doesn't make it right.
1027
00:47:30,723 --> 00:47:33,142
And we're sorry. Man to man, I'm sorry."
1028
00:47:33,225 --> 00:47:35,019
My mom says,
"We didn't know what to do, mijo.
1029
00:47:35,102 --> 00:47:37,646
We're so sorry. It won't happen again."
And we're hugging, bro.
1030
00:47:37,730 --> 00:47:39,815
It was one of the most hardest,
beautiful things
1031
00:47:39,899 --> 00:47:41,734
I have been through
with my familia, right?
1032
00:47:41,817 --> 00:47:43,027
We're hugging, crying it out.
1033
00:47:43,110 --> 00:47:44,737
Even the white people
circled around us are crying.
1034
00:47:44,820 --> 00:47:47,281
They're like, "How did these Mexicans
afford this place?"
1035
00:47:47,365 --> 00:47:48,908
You know? And I'm just like, oh...
1036
00:47:50,785 --> 00:47:52,453
So, we're wiping away the tears, bro.
1037
00:47:52,536 --> 00:47:54,872
My dad's wiping his tears away.
My mom, beautiful thing.
1038
00:47:54,955 --> 00:47:56,165
We overcame this thing.
1039
00:47:56,248 --> 00:47:58,793
And at the end of it,
my dad says, "Hey, but mijo?"
1040
00:47:58,876 --> 00:48:00,169
I said, "What's up, Dad?"
1041
00:48:01,545 --> 00:48:03,672
"Can I ask you just one question?"
1042
00:48:03,756 --> 00:48:05,341
I said, "Yeah, go ahead, man."
1043
00:48:06,634 --> 00:48:08,677
"You really put your dick
inside that thermos?"
1044
00:48:08,761 --> 00:48:11,055
Yeah.
1045
00:48:11,138 --> 00:48:13,599
I said, "Yeah, Dad. I did, man."
1046
00:48:14,392 --> 00:48:17,019
And he said, "Damn, that's crazy."
1047
00:48:18,687 --> 00:48:21,190
My name is Frankie Quiñones, y'all.
1048
00:48:21,273 --> 00:48:24,235
{\an8}I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you.