[guitar music playing]
Downloaded from YTS.MX
[flame igniting]
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
[glitching audio]
-[applause and cheers] -["Low Rider" by WAR playing]
[Mayan over speakers] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage the legendary, el más chingón,
my dad, George Lopez!
-¡Órale! -[cheers]
-What a show! -[cheers]
-Latinos! -[cheers]
-Married to Latinos! -[cheers]
Welcome to the Dolby.
Welcome to the show. Thank you, everybody, for being here.
They said, "What are you going to call the special?"
I said, "Let me think of a good fucking name, eh.
Freak offs."
[in Spanish] But then, better not.
[in English] Fuck it, freak-- Try to explain that shit to Latinos.
[in Spanish] "What...? How does that go?
Jiffy?
Diddy? What were they doing, fucking?
[in English] Fuck everybody who was there on the fucking boat.
[imitates wiping]
Who was there? Fucking Jay-Z, el negrito, fucking, ¿eh?
Who else, the Kardashians? No, those are whores, those bitches.
Of course, wherever people are fucking, they're going to be there."
Thank you so much for coming to the show, it's...
[cheering]
You know, it's funny to get older because somebody...
I don't know if it's a compliment, but I don't think so.
Somebody said to me, "Hey, has anybody ever told you
you look like an old George Lopez?"
I say, "Fuck yeah, I fucking feel like a fucking old George Lopez."
When I was young, I'd be in the fucking boat.
[imitates wiping]
And now, [in Spanish] I'm a fucking old man.
[in English] "Go on without me.
I'll meet you guys in Cancun.
Probably need to eat."
And you know, Latinos, when they get older,
you know that we don't want to go to the doctor.
So if you say, like, "Hey, man, you fucking look old."
And then you try to prove that you don't need to go to the doctor.
"Hey, if I was fucking old, would I be able to do this? Watch out."
"All right, but tomorrow, if you stop breathing,
we're going to take you to the fucking emergency..."
It's fucked up to get old, you know, because when you're young, you can run.
You look good. A car's passing, they let you pass. You're like...
You're fucking viejo, I run like I fucking found gold.
Ye-he-he!
That's why all fucking Latinos always say, "How far is it?"
There's no miles. Just a sound.
"In Bakersfield? Ooh... No.
I don't have enough gas for... Ooh!
I can make it over there, but I'm not going to make it back."
Man, I didn't know I was going to look like this.
I wish I had a fucking choice.
Chinga, that's why some people ask me,
"How come you don't have your own tequila brand?"
I said, "I think they can see the fucking destruction."
"Come on. I'll be right back in the baptism. Hang on." [groans]
[hacks]
Anybody want to look like this? All fucking dressed up? No.
Mejor no. I'd rather just fucking be natural.
You know, it's fucked up. I was in the casino, and I heard this guy say,
because I'm not -- haven't been old that long, so I can still hear.
I heard this guy say, "Go ask that old Mexican lady what time it is."
"You don't know what time it is?"
They probably saw me from behind. Look at it. "Ah.
¿Ahorita? I don't know.
I just got my hair dyed. ¿Ahorita? I don't know.
I'm waiting for them to pick me up. [in Spanish] We're going
with Jiffy on the boat, fucking.
[in English] I'm waiting for Raymond to pick me up."
Fuck.
That's fucked up.
And I'm not going to cut my hair because so many men lose their hair.
I thought it'd be fucked up if I cut mine.
I think to me, this is having, like, big chichis, you're like...
Fuck! My eyes are over here, fuck.
Pinche viejo has hair like a fucking lady, ¿que no?
So I lost...
-I lost 40 pounds. -[cheers]
[cheering intensifies]
You know, only the white people ask. "How did you...
Did you go on a meal program?
Did they deliver-- Did you cut carbs?"
I lost it the old fashioned way. [snorts]
I've been walking for three fucking days. [snorts]
"You passed your house!"
[snorts]
You know, when you're young, they go, "Hey, go like that."
"You know, you got a little..." "Oh, yeah."
When you are a fucking viejo, you got a fucking moco, "Hey, go like that."
"Why you rubbing a moco on your fucking gums?"
"Because I didn't know it was a moco until right now when I tasted it."
[hacks]
That's why I think, you know, so many old people are on drugs.
But all of them, you know, they don't really help you.
They maybe lower your blood pressure, but none...
But none of them make you want to fucking do shit.
That's why I think they should make, like, cocaine for viejitos, like...
"Blozempic."
Like not all the way strong, like... Like when you're young,
but just enough to get you...
[in Spanish] "Aunt, you're not going to...?
[in English] You're not even gonna go to church?"
"No... I'm tired. Wait--" [snorts]
Yeah, I'll go. Vámonos.
I'll go.
"Tía, we're outside." "Shut up."
Just... [snorts] enough to get you to church.
Breakfast. Go see a friend.
And then at home, "¡Ay!
I did enough already, no?
No, I don't wanna go. [in Spanish] Maybe tomorrow.
[in English] They're gonna bring me some more..." [snorts]
That'd be fucked up, if you see your grandma.
You're driving home, and you...
It's at night, and you see your grandma on the street.
"Grandma?
What the fuck? What's the matter?" [snorts] "Nothing.
Nothing."
"Where's your cane?"
"My fucking pimp took it.
He didn't want me taking off."
"What the fuck are you doing?"
[in Spanish] "You wanna buy a wheelchair?
[in English] I need a little bit... [snorts]
and then I'll be good, no?"
I think only Latino families are the ones that could end up
with a full-sized hospital bed
in the living room.
Do you ever have viejos? They get old.
You can't afford a nursing home or...
round the clock nurses.
When you're fucking 11, "Hey, take care of your grandpa."
"Fuck!"
Full fucking hospital bed in the living room, ahí.
He overhears every conversation.
We're going to go to the party after church.
You hear the fucking bed come up. [imitates motor]
[in Spanish] "You're not taking me? [in English] I want to go."
"You haven't been out of the house in ten years."
[imitates motor]
That's why you have to enjoy yourself,
even when you're young, every day, because you can fucking get old.
[cheers]
[in Spanish] In a heartbeat. [in English] Fuck.
I'm fucking new at being old, so I don't really totally get it yet.
But when you get old,
you won't be able to see shit with your mouth closed.
You go, "Look," you go...
"I can't see the fucking sign."
"Open your mouth."
"Now I can see, fuck!
They have all of that aquí?"
"I can't see." "Open your fucking mouth."
"Oh yeah. Now I can see, mira."
Fucking get old, chingado. You know how old I am?
I went to try to go adopt a cat. I never had a cat.
So I went to go try to adopt a kitten.
And I could see the ladies talking,
and they came back, and the fucking ladies told me, "No."
They go...
"We reviewed your paperwork, and we just agreed that..."
I said, "What the fuck?"
"Well, who's going to take care of it when you die?"
And then the other lady said, "In three years.
They're going to find you with the fucking cat eating your fucking face in the..."
I said, "All right, you know what? You could have just said no, fuck it.
Just tell me no, don't tell me all that fucking shit that's wrong with me."
Chinga, fucking old.
And then you get old, and women stay sexual their whole lives.
Cochinas.
All horny, you know, fucking viejas.
They're all old. "I want you inside me."
Fucking...
"Get that fucking palo and put it inside me!"
You're all so fucking scared.
"Put that dick inside me!"
"I might-- I might stay out here.
I've been in there.
Ya estoy viejo, I don't want to go in there."
But when you're young,
you're driving, you want to get your dick sucked when you're driving.
You're driving, fucking leg out the window.
Fucking honking the horn. [imitates horn]
"Watch out!" "Fuck."
Fucking just leaning on the horn. [imitates horn]
"That's you, pick your head up a little bit."
[imitates horn]
And then you're older, and she wants it.
And you're like, "I'm so fucking tired at home."
"Let me suck it."
"I don't think that's going to happen.
I didn't take a shower."
"I'll fucking clean it with my mouth.
Bring it over here. I'll clean it with my mouth.
Tráelo, I could smell it from here, but bring it.
I'll clean it, bring it."
You're all fucking scared.
"If you do that, my next call will be to the Center of Disease Control.
'No' means 'no.'"
Fuck, because it's too hard to keep everything clean, yeah? You know.
At night, they grab your weenie, and they're fucking like, "Hey."
And then you're like, "Smell your hand."
[hacks] "I told you!
I tried to give you the trigger warning. Don't fucking touch me.
You're not going to like it. And now what?"
But when you're young, nobody smells. Everybody's fresh.
You know, you go on a date, you're putting mano with a girl, you know,
you're driving home.
Fucking pass your house, fucking...
Only dudes... Only dudes can do that.
There's not a woman that's jacking some dude off.
And then on the way home, and she's like...
"Fucking roll the window down.
Fucking get it off!
Get it off. Fuck, it's fucking under my nails. Get it off!"
You look at your friend. "Fuck you, don't fucking touch me with that shit.
Fucking huele feo, I fucking told you."
It's way different now, I mean, you know,
when we were growing up, viejas had hair... [whooshes]
Now, nothing. [imitates razor]
Now you can see it.
"It looks mad.
Why does it look like it's following me?
Like a painting with eyes?"
And then in our day, viejas had hair, you're putting your hand...
Not anywhere near.
"Right there. I don't feel nothing."
It's all trapped in the hair.
"I'm going to cut it out like a dolphin in the net."
"You better not cut it out!" [imitates cut]
"Fuck it, my ring is in there."
That's why I think if you've been married 30 years or more,
-[cheers] -God bless you.
But I don't think you should make your wife suck your dick anymore, yeah.
She's put her time in.
You know, you had a lot of fucking years to get it sucked.
You're too old now.
"You know, you can suck it hard." "Bullshit. Fuck you."
35 years, just thank her. "Thank you for your service.
Appreciate it.
No, you don't have to anymore. [in Spanish] Yeah, it's over.
[in English] Thank you for-- At ease. No."
And all day, you just be like, "Damn."
You trying to get all your friends to smell it, you know?
"I don't smell nothing."
"Did you get her phone number?"
"Fuck that. I got DNA, bato, I'll find her.
I'll find when her relatives came to America too, I'll find all that shit."
It's different now, you know.
And then your kids are all you know, if you have kids,
they're not like us when we grew up. You know, fucking pussies, fuck.
Everybody wants them. Nobody wanted us.
They'd be bitching about putting you in the car seat.
"I have to fucking...
You wanna put him in the car seat?
He's an accident.
But I got to worry about him being in an accident?
Fuck that."
All of that shit that, you know, in school, like all the kids now
are supposed to be a little bit smart.
Like they don't let you be a pendejo, you know, like...
-Some of us, you know, weren't that smart. -[cheer]
And that was all right.
You know, those are the ones they would pin the notes on your back,
so you couldn't touch it, you know, on the way home.
And now all the kids, you know, have to be entertained.
You know, they can't they can't entertain themselves.
You have to be responsible for their entertainment.
You know, there's a fucking million things to do.
And they're bored, you know.
They come over to you with a stupid ass face.
"What's the matter with you?" "I'm bored."
"Well, jack off. That's what I used to do.
That's what I used to do when I was bored."
Fucking get it right there, and turn your head to the left.
[in Spanish] And get it out...
[in English] And then... [snores]
And they'll find you, right there, without saying... [snores]
You know, all of that shit is crazy, man.
You know, I thought when I saw gender reveal that...
That was pretty fucking crazy, people fucking burned their house down
and fucking hit each other with bats.
Fucking blow shit up. A fucking car hits them, they're in the street.
"What color was the fucking car that hit me, pink or blue?
I still don't know what the baby is going to be."
All fucking tirado.
That's why, when people have kids, they know.
So a lot of the times, they read to the kid in the womb,
so they're already learning before they're even outside,
before they're even born.
The parents read to them.
If you're a fucking Latino kid, you're like, "Who the fuck is...
Who the fuck is out there talking?
I'm trying to fucking sleep, they fucking keep...
Every night, they're fucking talking to me at that same fucking time."
Be throwing a fucking patada, "Hey, fuck. Cómo chingan, fucking hey!
I'll talk to you when I get out.'"
They say if you read to a kid, you can start to educate them before.
Fucking Latino dudes are like, "I don't know. You know...
I'm gonna wait to find out if it's mine before.
I'm not reading to any fucking kid that might not be mine.
Bring him over here. Let me see him.
He better get darker on the fucking way over here.
Bring him over here. He don't look like me.
Bring that motherfucker over here."
All that shit.
You know, all the shit that's, like, cultural to us.
Like gender reveal is one thing, you know?
Fucking Latinos took it to another level.
We do the parent reveal.
They take you to the park.
"What are we doing here?"
"You see that man right there?"
"Which one?" "The one right there."
"Yeah."
"That's your dad."
"Daddy!" [shushes]
"He fucking doesn't know.
I wanted you to see him first and tell us what you want to do.
We'll fuck him up, or you can say hi. Whichever one you want."
"Let me think."
I grew up without my father. I didn't know...
I didn't know my father ever. Can you imagine missing out on this?
So yeah, I had good friends growing up though,
and we played all the fucking games that kids played.
Fucking nobody plays that shit now. Hide and seek.
Fucking hide and seek. We'd be fucking around all over the place.
The only way you win is nobody can find you.
So everybody comes out, and you're the one they can't find,
you're all fucking over there behind the garage.
All your fucking friends have left.
You come out like three hours later. "What the fuck...
I won!"
It's all fucking dark.
Fucking pendejos, all that shit that we used to play,
You know how stupid we were? We used to look in the sun.
That was a game for us.
Fucking no toys, you got all your friends in the middle of the street.
Fucking middle of the summer.
A fucking cornea running down your face.
"I win!" Fucking see dots and shit.
Fucking cars coming down the street. [imitates horn]
Fucking walking all fucking like...
Somebody go, "Hey, somebody wanna go get Joe Biden out of the street?"
[cheers]
Fuck.
Fucking Joe Biden, chingado.
That motherfucker got old. He was all right.
And then one day... [imitates stammer]
Aparece todo quemado. He's all fucking burnt up.
[stammers]
"Hey, Joe, poquito ahí." [snorts]
"My fellow Americans...
Do I have something right here?"
Some water. [snorts]
Fucking Joe, man.
If that's what it's like to get old, fuck that.
Fuck, he's walking... ¡Chinga!
You see him walk on grass?
He'll walk in whatever direction the grass is cut.
Fucking got old.
He fucking walks like he's doing tai chi, look all...
Fuck. You know what? Let's just fucking tell him he won.
And he'll be happy at home, no?
Fuck, hey, listen, this is the greatest country to live in,
-no matter what. -[cheering]
And fucking Latinos belong in this country just like anybody else.
[cheering and whistling]
Fucking trying to get rid of us, motherfucker.
Most of us haven't even fucking been to Mexico.
If you sent us to Mexico, we'd be like, "Fuck!
What the fuck, dude? This is it?"
No fucking screens on the windows.
Fucking salt in the Corona bottle, fuck.
Fucking toothpicks in a fucking radish.
What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?
Hey, I've been to Mexico. Ain't no place for a Mexican.
Fucking tell you that much.
I went to Mexico and drank water when I was ten.
Como pendejo, I fucking...
I should have seen everybody else's teeth were all fucking brown.
And you guys brush your teeth, and you look like that?
Fucking Mexico, chingado.
And you know, we have accents, and we never been to Mexico,
but we have relatives in Mexico,
so it's important that we stay true to our culture,
because the people that come from other countries and come to America
work way harder than anybody who's born here.
[cheering]
You see a Chicano janitor, that motherfucker, he's not even working.
He sees the fucking boss.
Yeah, all that shit that people have. I think we had anxiety too, but...
Fucking nervios, what are they fucking nerves?
They didn't have a name like "anxiety".
But all of us are all fucking nervioso, so they fucking...
Instead of medicine or therapy, they give you fucking water with sugar.
"Here.
You'll stop shaking right now."
You're fucked up in the head.
Now all the kids, they all have fucking shit wrong with them.
My grandmother would see a little two year old kid with glasses in the market.
My grandma would go, "George."
Fucking faker, huh?
He's fucking two years old. He ain't seeing shit.
I'll take his fucking glasses, and we'll see if he can fucking see right now."
Not us. All the shit we had, we had.
Now, now, you can test to see if a baby has anything wrong with it.
You know, before it's born.
You go into the doctor.
"Yes. We took the test, and we found something that I think you should know."
Both the parents holding hands, "Oh, God."
"The baby is going to be left-handed.
I'll leave you guys alone, so you can think about it."
Fucking us, fucking ear bent.
One nostril fucking bigger than the other.
Fucking eye. One eye open, one eye closed.
Nobody gives a fuck about you growing up, and then one day, they see you.
"Come here. Look at me.
I never fucking noticed.
[chuckles]
Hey, he don't have fucking eyelids.
You don't have eyelids?" And the fucker...
"You're like that all the time?
I'm fucking... It don't hurt?
Alright, fucking go play. I don't know.
He's already five! What I tell ya? Ya está."
All that bullshit that-- Now, all the kids, a lot of them commit crimes
like they shoot schools up, and they shoot their fucking friends.
All that bullshit, and the parents, como pendejos,
"I had no... We had no idea."
Not our parents. They'll fucking catch you before.
They'll see you walking by, "Hey, come over here.
Look at me. Look at my face.
I don't know what the fuck you're planning."
"I'm not going to do nothing."
"That's right. You're not going to fucking do nothing.
You and your friend. Get, go outside. Come over here. Look at me.
Mira, cabrón,
Whatever the fuck you're planning on doing,
I'm gonna tell you right now, whatever you do,
I'm going to fucking do ten times
fucking worse to you.
So go do it.
Whatever the fuck you're going to do, go do it.
But know that when I see you, I'm going to fuck you up ten times worse."
Fucking kids.
My grandmother would fucking yell some wild shit at me.
Like she would say, "Don't leave cucarachas on my towel."
"What?"
"Don't leave cucarachas on my towel."
I guess when you take a shower, and you don't clean your ass all the way.
[groans]
And with the towel, if you wipe your ass,
it leaves like a little smudge like that.
Cucarachas.
I had no fucking idea.
You know, sometimes you forget, you put it in there inside.
You're like, "Oh, fucking cucarachas."
And then if you fucking get dressed on the bed
and you don't clean yourself out, the fuck...
"Fucking cucarachas on my fucking sheets.
He left fucking cucarachas-- Three of them. He can't see."
The shit they yell at you. What the fuck?
It's crazy. All that shit that they yelled at us.
And you know what? You'd think that with weed being legal in California,
you'd think that people would fucking be fucking chill.
Fucking drinking? Let me tell you something.
I drank a long time. Drinking does no good.
You fucking drive. You don't remember.
You fucking hit shit, you fucking get pulled over.
Fucking leave your driveway in the middle of the night with no headlights on,
and people are fucking flashing you, it's like...
All todo baboso, you fucking hear... [imitates road bumps]
"Fuck."
But with weed, yeah, fuck it. Fuck...
You're just behind the wheel.
"I think we're here.
Okay. We're here, ¿que no? Wow.
That was fast.
We got here fast, fuck."
You drive when you're high, you don't even need to be fucking moving.
You fucking just all make the noises like you're in a car. [imitates car]
"Wait for me." "Alright, get in."
[imitates car]
Fucking weed is the shit. We knew. We knew it.
[cheers]
We knew it forever.
All our grandmothers had weed that they would put in the alcohol bottle.
All of them. They used it for their pains that...
They were all fucking high.
"Jorge." "¿Qué?" [in Spanish] "Bring me some...
Can you go to King Taco and bring me about 25?"
[in English] "And water? I don't want to drink soda."
Weed is the shit, it takes care of your anxiety.
It takes care of your pains when you get older,
and it's just good to be fucked up.
But it's weed. It's weed that can help you study.
I can't believe that.
Because the shit that we smoked made you all todo pendejo.
"George!"
Now it makes you smart.
Look... before, us, todos pendejos.
You know, in school, nobody knew the fucking test.
"I don't know.
I thought fucking SAT was Saturday, fuck, eh.
They're going to make us come Saturday?"
So there was a dude in Florida that had the list of 100 people
that he wanted to kill, like blow up.
He would send pipe bombs to the people on this list.
And guess who was on the list?
[cheers]
Only a fucking Chicano would be happy.
"They want to blow you up." "Fuck yeah, huh.
Who else? Anybody else that's Latino? No?"
So the FBI and all the police departments,
they got me on the phone, and they said there's a guy in Florida
who has a list of 100 people.
Your name is on the list, and he might be sending you a pipe bomb.
There could be a pipe bomb in the mail.
So the only thing they told me is don't open any suspicious packages.
And then they all hung up. "Wait a minute!"
But you know... fucking raza, you know.
Sometimes, when they drop food off at your house,
unos tamales, you know, a dozen tamales in foil,
could be C-4.
Could be dynamite,
could be some bomb ass green chicken tamales.
You can't throw that shit away. You'll get killed.
They might be in a container of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
And you're looking at it. "Fuck!
That could be a fucking bomb, or fideo.
I'm gonna fucking take the chance. Fuck it."
Come on, your tía found out you threw that shit away,
"I'm gonna fucking kill you next time."
But you know, nobody understands our culture.
You know, it's very different to be Latino, I think,
because women are very jealous. Men are jealous.
And I'll tell you, I think because we believe different shit,
like we believe that in Mexico, there's a statue in Mexico City
that the Virgen de Guadalupe, cries tears of blood, like we believe that.
But we won't believe that you and the girl from work are friends.
The statue, yes. The girl, fuck you. I...
"I saw you."
"You saw me?" "I saw you fucking her."
"Where?" "In a fucking tortilla."
So we need to be more-- We need to be more cool, you know?
I've only been married once.
And somebody asked me,
did I ever think I would be married again?
And I said, "I would rather fucking burn up
with all my friends watching."
And then the person said, "You could have just fucking said no."
"All right, no."
Because when you're married, it's tough to be married, you know?
And then the longer you're married,
you still have to make love, it's an obligation.
I mean, you're married, but guys,
sometimes, you know, and they tell you a week ahead.
"Next Wednesday." "Fuck!"
So one time I took a Viagra
to get ready, and then we got in a fight.
And there I was fighting.
"Well, fucking take off then!
Call the fucking police. I don't care, I'm right here."
I said, "I'm not talking to you anymore." I sat down, my dick...
I sat down, my dick was coming out the back.
So be careful, because they even do things like in marriage counseling,
they tell you, go back to the beginning, like where you guys met.
Like take two cars and then go back to where you met,
and then go into the bar,
and then be like, you don't know each other.
Then walk over and just say like, "Hey, can I buy you a drink?"
And then you just start talking, "What's your name?
You know, where are you from?" Like you try to rekindle the romance.
Fuck, I didn't show up.
Fuck that.
I said, "I fucked it up once. I'm not going to fuck it up twice.
Bullshit."
In my life, all the people that have influence on me have all been Latinas.
I don't think that we give enough credit to the women
in our families for what they do when the men aren't around.
[cheering]
But if you marry a Latina,
you won't get the life you want.
You'll get the life you deserve.
[cheering]
They got you. Don't worry about it.
At my age, any woman's going to fucking raise her voice to me,
she's going to be a fucking nurse or a doctor.
Breathe! [imitates hit]
I mean, think about it. The richest man in the world, Jeff Bezos,
owns Amazon, is engaged to a Latina.
[cheers]
With kids from two, three other guys.
He owns Amazon.
You can find anything on Amazon.
You can't find a Latina with no kids.
I'm just saying, he owns Amazon, [in Spanish] but the guy's Wayfair.
[in English] He's shopping at Wayfair. [high-pitched] Wayfair.
Picked a woman with kids already.
That's-- That's impressive.
That's the power of the-- Pussy's pussy.
But panocha is on another level.
This motherfucker makes rockets.
He'd rather be with a Latina than be in outer space fucking around.
A Latina.
If you hear him, "Be careful getting on the yacht, mijo.
[in Spanish] Come here, cabrón."
[in English] The richest man in the world with a Latina
and you see her fucking walking in front. He's just walking in the back.
If you're a stepfather, God bless you.
It's the hardest thing to be is a stepfather.
They fucking got you too, huh?
It's a crazy thing to be able to take over
the obligations that the father had.
But you take on the obligation of those children,
and raise those children as yours. That's beautiful. That's beautiful.
[applause]
Everybody's like...
There's a special place in heaven
for you.
In the fucking pendejo section over there.
"Go stand over there next to Ben Affleck."
Fucking pinche Ben Affleck. You seen him?
Fucking yelling at the sky, "Bro!"
Fucking slamming the fucking door.
One day he has the fucking ring on, one day he doesn't.
That's the price, you want some fucking nalgas, that's the price.
You want a girl with a big culo? That's it.
Oh, she's already taking selfies for the next guy. "Next!"
Fuck you. I'm not going over there.
Mejor, no, I'll stay right here. That's the power of the panocha.
You know what I just remembered?
This special's for Amazon.
"Who wants to talk to me?
Bezos' fiancée?
Señora, I'm sorry."
But I miss my grandmother.
You know, my grandmother had, and a lot of Latinos have it,
she had dementia.
At least I thought-- We never took her to the doctor. I think.
One time I went to the house, and I said, "Grandma, it's me."
And she's like, "Who's me?"
I said, "It's me, Georgie."
"I don't know a Georgie."
"It's me." Then you start to go over your nicknames. Cagón.
Fucking meados.
She said, "I don't know a fucking meón."
And I was like, "Fuck, my grandmother fucking doesn't remember me."
And then we both looked at her, and she went,
"No te creas, cabrón. Get in here."
"I got you, huh, fucker?
You're not even crying.
When I die for real, you better be fucking crying. Get in here."
You know, I make my grandmother out to be mean,
because she never told me she loved me.
But, you know, she never fucking said hello either.
I don't know.
So I appreciate you guys coming to watch me do this thing here for a...
No, no. This is-- I've been doing stand up a long time.
I've been doing stand up since 1979.
[cheers]
It's a long time.
And in that time, I've done some--
I've been fortunate enough to be able to have some really nice things happen.
You know, I got my star in the Walk of Fame.
[cheers]
I got a wax figure at Madame Tussaud's.
[cheers]
That wax figure is 50 years old, and I'm 63.
I went in there and took a picture.
It looks like a dude that's trying to lead a little boy away from the market.
They even told the wax figure, "You all right? The fuck..."
I had my own show in 2002, first time a Latino show syndicated, George Lopez.
I have another show right now. Lopez vs Lopez.
And that one I get to do with my daughter, Mayan.
So it's really the best thing, that's...
This is the last special I'm going to do.
So thank you guys for coming to see me, and...
And when you get older, they ask you how you want to be remembered.
And I told them, like this.
Thank you guys very much. I love you. ¡Muchísimas gracias!
Thank you for coming to the show, everybody! ¡Viva la raza!
["Low Rider" by WAR playing]