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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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女士们、先生们 有请

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传奇人物 最他妈伟大的
我的爸爸

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乔治洛佩兹！

6
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乔治洛佩兹：非常天主教徒

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00:01:17,495 --> 00:01:18,621
拉美同胞们！

8
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拉美女婿和儿媳！

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欢迎来到杜比剧院

10
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欢迎来看表演 谢谢大家的到来

11
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有人问：“专场叫什么名字？”

12
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我说：“让我好好想想”

13
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“老爹派对”

14
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去他的“老爹派对”

15
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当你试着给拉美同胞解释这破事

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“水牛？”

17
00:02:02,665 --> 00:02:03,541
“吹牛老爹”

18
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“操 所有人都上了贼船…”

19
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“去的都有谁？” “该死的Jay-Z”

20
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“那个黑鬼？好得很”

21
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“还有谁？” “卡戴珊一家”

22
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当然了 他们都是全勤出“操”的人

23
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非常感谢大家来观看演出…

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变老也挺有意思的 因为有的人…

25
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我也不知道这算不算夸人

26
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反正我不这么觉得…

27
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有的人问我

28
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“有人说过
你像老年版的乔治洛佩兹吗？”

29
00:02:56,468 --> 00:02:59,889
我说：“当然
我自我感觉挺像老年版的他”

30
00:03:01,140 --> 00:03:03,601
年轻的时候我也会在那贼船上…

31
00:03:05,394 --> 00:03:06,645
可惜人到暮年…

32
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“你们快活去吧 别管我了”

33
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“兄弟们坎昆见”

34
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“我或许要先吃点东西”

35
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拉美人老了不愿意看医生

36
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如果有人说：“兄弟 你老了啊”

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他为了证明自己不用看医生

38
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“我他妈要是老了还能这样吗？
看好了”

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“行吧 但是明天如果你没呼吸了

40
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我们会送你进急救…”

41
00:03:45,893 --> 00:03:47,728
上年纪可太糟心了

42
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年轻的时候有奔跑的劲

43
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英姿飒爽的 过路的车都给你让路
你就这样…

44
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糟老头子跑起来就像挖到金子了

45
00:04:05,371 --> 00:04:08,457
所以拉美老人总是问：“有多远？”

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没人回答距离 只有长叹

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00:04:11,543 --> 00:04:13,253
"在贝克斯菲尔德？"

48
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“不行啊 我的油跑不到
‘哦！’那么远”

49
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“跑得到 回不来”

50
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我没想过我会老成这副样子
真希望有得选

51
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所以别人问我

52
00:04:30,646 --> 00:04:32,523
“你怎么没自己做龙舌兰酒品牌？”

53
00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:36,443
我说：“因为我这样子很劝退”

54
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“我马上回去参加洗礼 稍等”

55
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有人想盛装出席却丑态百出吗？没有

56
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最好不要 我宁可自然一点

57
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我之前在赌场遇到一件闹心的事

58
00:05:02,678 --> 00:05:04,096
我听到有个人说…

59
00:05:04,847 --> 00:05:08,142
毕竟我当时还没多老 听力还行

60
00:05:12,021 --> 00:05:13,439
我听到一个人说

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“去问那个墨西哥老太太几点了”

62
00:05:22,239 --> 00:05:23,907
“你不知道几点了？”

63
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他们可能看到我的背影 就这样

64
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“现在？我不知道”

65
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“我刚做完头发 我不知道”

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“我在等人来接我 我们现在走吧”

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“水牛老爹还在‘炮’船上”

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“我在等雷蒙德接我”

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操

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这太闹心了

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我不会剪头发的 因为…

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太多男人脱发了

73
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我去剪头发岂不是犯傻

74
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这就约等于我有一对大胸

75
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“操！”

76
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“我眼睛在这呢” “操！”

77
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“长头发的老头就像女人 对吧？”

78
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我瘦了…

79
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我瘦了18千克

80
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只有白人会问：“你是怎么…”

81
00:06:37,272 --> 00:06:39,316
“你做饮食规划了吗？”

82
00:06:40,651 --> 00:06:42,778
“他们送餐到家吗？
你控制碳水了吗？”

83
00:06:44,113 --> 00:06:45,823
我用老办法瘦下来的

84
00:06:56,250 --> 00:06:58,418
“我连续走了三天的路”

85
00:07:03,799 --> 00:07:05,050
“走过头了 你家在这”

86
00:07:11,890 --> 00:07:15,686
你年轻的时候他们会说：“你那有…”

87
00:07:19,314 --> 00:07:22,442
老头有鼻屎他们会说：“你有那个”

88
00:07:25,154 --> 00:07:27,489
“你怎么把鼻屎擦牙龈上？”

89
00:07:29,908 --> 00:07:32,911
“我不知道那是鼻屎 现在尝出来了”

90
00:07:38,709 --> 00:07:40,169
所以我才觉得

91
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有很多老人嗑药

92
00:07:45,048 --> 00:07:47,259
但所有的毒品都没用

93
00:07:47,342 --> 00:07:49,261
可能就降低血压

94
00:07:49,344 --> 00:07:52,764
但没一样会让你想干点什么

95
00:07:54,099 --> 00:07:56,226
所以我觉得应该生产

96
00:07:56,768 --> 00:07:58,312
老年人专供可卡因 比如…

97
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“司美格鲁可卡因”

98
00:08:05,402 --> 00:08:07,404
药效不必那么强

99
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不求重回壮年 够用就行

100
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“阿姨 你不打算去…”

101
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“你不打算去教堂了？” “不去”

102
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“我累了 等等…”

103
00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:21,668
“好 我去 走吧”

104
00:08:23,795 --> 00:08:24,880
“我去”

105
00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:30,886
“阿姨 我们出来了”
“闭嘴”

106
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只需要

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够你撑过教堂

108
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吃个早餐

109
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去见朋友

110
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然后回家

111
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,237
“我已经做得够多了 不是吗？”

112
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“不 我不想去”

113
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“明天他们会再给我带一些 ”

114
00:08:57,621 --> 00:09:00,958
闹心的是 如果你开车回家看到外婆…

115
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大晚上看到你外婆站在街边

116
00:09:05,837 --> 00:09:06,838
“外婆？”

117
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“搞什么？出什么事了？”

118
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“没什么”

119
00:09:19,268 --> 00:09:20,352
“你的拐杖呢？”

120
00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:23,397
“我的皮条客拿走了”

121
00:09:25,691 --> 00:09:27,276
“他不想让我离开”

122
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“你他妈的在干什么？”

123
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:33,907
“你不想买轮椅了？”

124
00:09:34,449 --> 00:09:35,659
“我需要一点点…”

125
00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:38,495
“然后我会乖乖的 好吗？”

126
00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:42,665
我觉得只有拉美裔家庭

127
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才会有一张全尺寸的医院病床

128
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放在客厅里

129
00:09:50,382 --> 00:09:52,301
你家里只要有老人

130
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你又负担不起养老院的费用

131
00:09:56,638 --> 00:09:58,390
也请不起全天的护工

132
00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:01,935
交待11岁的你说：“照顾好外公”

133
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“操！”

134
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客厅里摆一张跟医院里一样大的病床

135
00:10:11,987 --> 00:10:13,905
没有哪句话是他听不到的

136
00:10:15,866 --> 00:10:19,077
“我们礼拜之后去参加派对”
你听到床铺上…

137
00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:25,584
“不带我吗？我想去”

138
00:10:28,462 --> 00:10:30,881
“你已经十年没出过门了”

139
00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:39,139
所以要享受人生

140
00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:41,892
就算还年轻也要把握每一天

141
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:44,311
因为你会变老…

142
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老得很快 操

143
00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:54,821
我也才开始老 所以还没完全领悟

144
00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:58,909
但是老了就看不清了

145
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:00,160
非得张嘴才行

146
00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:03,080
想看东西你会这样…

147
00:11:06,208 --> 00:11:07,793
“我看不清该死的标志”

148
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:11,088
“张开嘴 ”

149
00:11:14,716 --> 00:11:16,176
“现在我看见了 操！”

150
00:11:19,554 --> 00:11:21,098
“这里有那么多标志吗？”

151
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,977
“我看不清”
“张开你的死嘴”

152
00:11:26,061 --> 00:11:27,437
“看见了”

153
00:11:28,563 --> 00:11:29,773
“现在我能看清了”

154
00:11:31,441 --> 00:11:32,901
上年纪了 老头子

155
00:11:33,735 --> 00:11:34,861
你知道我多老了吗？

156
00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:37,489
我想去领养一只猫

157
00:11:37,572 --> 00:11:38,615
我没养过猫

158
00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:43,036
我去领养一只小猫咪

159
00:11:44,287 --> 00:11:46,248
我看见那群女士在商量

160
00:11:47,165 --> 00:11:48,458
她们走过来…

161
00:11:49,251 --> 00:11:50,794
这群娘们拒绝了我

162
00:11:53,004 --> 00:11:53,964
她们就这样…

163
00:11:57,968 --> 00:12:00,679
“我们仔细看了你的资料
我们都认为…”

164
00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:05,016
我说：“搞什么鬼？”

165
00:12:06,268 --> 00:12:08,395
“你死了谁来照顾它？”

166
00:12:15,861 --> 00:12:18,405
然后另一个女士说：“三年后”

167
00:12:21,491 --> 00:12:23,326
“发现你的时候

168
00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:25,871
你的猫在吃你的脸 就在…”

169
00:12:25,954 --> 00:12:28,707
我说：“够了 不需要这么详细 操”

170
00:12:29,499 --> 00:12:32,878
“直接拒绝就够了 别指出我的问题”

171
00:12:34,171 --> 00:12:35,881
老头子 老他大爷的

172
00:12:36,381 --> 00:12:40,343
你老了 女性一生都有性欲

173
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像猪一样

174
00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:48,351
欲火焚身的老婆子最烦人了

175
00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:50,604
一把老骨头了还说：“我要你进入我”

176
00:12:50,687 --> 00:12:51,646
靠…

177
00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:55,275
“把那该死的命根子塞进来”

178
00:12:56,526 --> 00:12:58,111
你们都吓破了胆

179
00:13:04,743 --> 00:13:06,077
“把那屌插进来”

180
00:13:11,917 --> 00:13:13,668
“我在外面就好”

181
00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:19,549
“我进去过”

182
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,970
“现在老了 我不想进去了”

183
00:13:26,223 --> 00:13:27,390
但你年轻的时候

184
00:13:28,558 --> 00:13:31,269
你想一边开车一边被口

185
00:13:32,562 --> 00:13:34,731
你开着车 腿伸出窗外

186
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,733
按响喇叭

187
00:13:42,572 --> 00:13:44,241
靠在喇叭上

188
00:13:45,659 --> 00:13:47,869
“说你呢 把头抬高一点 ”

189
00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:57,963
然后你年纪大了

190
00:13:58,588 --> 00:14:01,550
她想要 你他妈的却在家里喊累

191
00:14:03,969 --> 00:14:05,011
“让我给你吸吧”

192
00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:10,100
“我觉得不行”

193
00:14:12,227 --> 00:14:13,520
“我没有洗澡”

194
00:14:15,689 --> 00:14:17,607
“我舔干净”

195
00:14:19,276 --> 00:14:20,360
“过来吧”

196
00:14:21,611 --> 00:14:23,113
“我会舔干净的”

197
00:14:24,114 --> 00:14:26,491
“过来 虽然我在这里都能闻见味”

198
00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:29,703
“我弄干净 过来吧”

199
00:14:31,621 --> 00:14:32,956
你吓得要死

200
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:38,587
“你敢那样我就马上打给疾控中心“

201
00:14:40,338 --> 00:14:41,590
“拒绝就是拒绝！”

202
00:14:44,426 --> 00:14:46,052
操 保持浑身干净…

203
00:14:47,137 --> 00:14:49,431
很难的 你们懂吧？

204
00:14:50,140 --> 00:14:52,726
晚上她们抓住你的小弟弟就这样…

205
00:14:53,727 --> 00:14:55,729
然后你说：“闻闻你的手”

206
00:15:00,483 --> 00:15:01,443
“早就说了”

207
00:15:02,777 --> 00:15:05,947
“提前警告过你 别他妈碰我”

208
00:15:06,865 --> 00:15:08,908
“有你好受的 怎么样？”

209
00:15:11,453 --> 00:15:15,457
但年轻的时候 没人发臭
大家都香香的

210
00:15:17,834 --> 00:15:20,920
出去约会 在女孩身体里做手工活

211
00:15:21,630 --> 00:15:22,756
开车回家…

212
00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:32,140
美得错过家门 “管他呢”

213
00:15:37,812 --> 00:15:38,897
只有男人…

214
00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:40,690
只有男人这么做

215
00:15:42,025 --> 00:15:44,444
没有女性帮男的打完枪

216
00:15:45,153 --> 00:15:47,113
在回家路上这样…

217
00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:51,993
快把窗户摇下来

218
00:15:54,079 --> 00:15:55,288
“赶快弄掉！”

219
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,165
“弄掉！”

220
00:15:58,249 --> 00:16:00,877
“该死 他妈的在指甲缝里 弄掉！”

221
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:05,548
转头看到朋友这样
“别用那玩意儿碰我！”

222
00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:08,301
“臭死了”
“早跟你说过”

223
00:16:11,012 --> 00:16:12,597
时代变了

224
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:15,600
我们那年代女人下面有毛…

225
00:16:19,354 --> 00:16:20,313
现在都光溜溜

226
00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:23,942
现在直观命门

227
00:16:29,531 --> 00:16:30,657
”看着很狂野啊“

228
00:16:37,747 --> 00:16:40,083
“怎么感觉追着我呢？”

229
00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:43,753
“像长了眼睛的画一样”

230
00:16:45,422 --> 00:16:48,591
我们那年代的女性下面有毛
你把手放进去…

231
00:16:50,427 --> 00:16:51,469
还差十万八千里 就问

232
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:54,681
“到了吗？”

233
00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:56,891
“我没感觉”

234
00:16:57,976 --> 00:16:59,519
被困在毛里了

235
00:17:02,605 --> 00:17:05,023
“我要快刀斩乱麻
拯救渔网里的小海豚”

236
00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:08,111
“我看你敢动剪刀！”

237
00:17:09,154 --> 00:17:10,905
“靠我戒指丢里面了”

238
00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:15,452
所以我才觉得如果结婚超过30年

239
00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:17,787
愿上帝保佑你

240
00:17:19,622 --> 00:17:23,126
但你不应该再让妻子给你口了

241
00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:26,503
她奉献了青春

242
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:31,760
这些年你被舔得够多了

243
00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:37,932
“你可以用力吸”
“胡说 去你的”

244
00:17:38,850 --> 00:17:42,020
35年了 感谢她就好
“感谢你多年以来的服务”

245
00:17:47,609 --> 00:17:49,861
“使命已尽 结束了”

246
00:17:51,488 --> 00:17:53,698
“谢谢你… 稍息 不用了”

247
00:17:57,869 --> 00:17:59,996
以前你只会这样…

248
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:02,207
想让兄弟们都闻闻

249
00:18:02,957 --> 00:18:04,167
“我什么都没闻到”

250
00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:09,047
“你弄到她的电话号码了吗？”
“不愁 我有她的DNA 迟早找到她 ”

251
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:14,594
“但凡她亲戚来美国
我也会知道 尽在掌握”

252
00:18:16,930 --> 00:18:19,265
现在不一样了

253
00:18:19,349 --> 00:18:21,434
你的孩子 如果你有孩子

254
00:18:21,518 --> 00:18:24,521
他们和我们那时候不一样

255
00:18:24,979 --> 00:18:26,523
担不住事的弱鸡…

256
00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:30,860
都盼着他们的到来
我们是爹不疼娘不爱

257
00:18:31,861 --> 00:18:33,613
把你放到安全车座上
他们也要抱怨一通

258
00:18:33,696 --> 00:18:34,781
“我他妈的必须…”

259
00:18:35,198 --> 00:18:36,866
“你要我把他放在安全座椅上吗？”

260
00:18:37,826 --> 00:18:39,035
“他就是个意外”

261
00:18:41,037 --> 00:18:43,498
“我还要担心他出意外？”

262
00:18:45,834 --> 00:18:46,835
“这叫什么事”

263
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:50,171
学校里那些破事

264
00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:52,799
现在的孩子

265
00:18:53,424 --> 00:18:55,134
都应该有点聪明

266
00:18:55,218 --> 00:18:58,012
就像他们不让你当笨蛋一样 比如…

267
00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:01,516
我们当中有一部分人

268
00:19:01,975 --> 00:19:03,017
没那么聪明

269
00:19:03,893 --> 00:19:05,061
这没关系

270
00:19:06,104 --> 00:19:08,940
被人背后贴小纸条

271
00:19:10,567 --> 00:19:12,318
你又摸不到

272
00:19:12,861 --> 00:19:14,612
就这么走在回家的路上

273
00:19:14,696 --> 00:19:17,407
现在的小孩必须得靠别人逗乐

274
00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:20,410
他们自己玩不起来

275
00:19:21,077 --> 00:19:23,997
你得想办法逗他们开心

276
00:19:25,081 --> 00:19:27,667
明明有无数可干的事

277
00:19:27,750 --> 00:19:29,252
他们却觉得百无聊赖

278
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:32,380
他们垮起个傻脸跑到你面前

279
00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:38,970
“你有什么事？”

280
00:19:39,429 --> 00:19:40,388
“我好无聊”

281
00:19:42,974 --> 00:19:45,101
“打手枪 我以前就这样解闷 ”

282
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:48,396
“我以前无聊的时候就这么做 ”

283
00:19:48,813 --> 00:19:50,315
“他妈的就这样“

284
00:19:51,274 --> 00:19:53,776
“头转到左边去 开撸…”

285
00:19:54,861 --> 00:19:55,695
然后就…

286
00:20:00,742 --> 00:20:02,577
你就躺那里 也这样

287
00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:06,748
知道吗？

288
00:20:07,957 --> 00:20:10,209
这年头有很多乱七八糟的事

289
00:20:10,293 --> 00:20:14,255
我觉得揭秘宝宝的性别

290
00:20:16,049 --> 00:20:17,342
也是非常疯癫的事

291
00:20:17,425 --> 00:20:19,344
他们把房子烧了

292
00:20:20,637 --> 00:20:22,513
拿拍子互殴

293
00:20:23,598 --> 00:20:26,768
东西都炸飞了 破车当街撞人

294
00:20:27,936 --> 00:20:30,855
“撞我的那破车是什么颜色？
粉色还是蓝色？”

295
00:20:32,941 --> 00:20:36,194
四仰八叉地躺着
“我还不知道宝宝性别”

296
00:20:38,404 --> 00:20:40,657
所以当人有了孩子

297
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,075
他们知道…

298
00:20:42,533 --> 00:20:44,994
他们基本都会给胎儿念书

299
00:20:45,828 --> 00:20:47,205
所以孩子的学习

300
00:20:48,122 --> 00:20:52,001
从娘胎里 出世前就开始了

301
00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:54,045
父母会给他们念书

302
00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:57,298
如果肚子里是拉美小孩 他们会说
“谁在外面…”

303
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:00,635
“谁他妈的在外面说话？”

304
00:21:02,011 --> 00:21:04,347
“我他妈的要睡觉 他们却一直在…”

305
00:21:05,431 --> 00:21:08,601
“每晚他妈的准时准点跟我说话”

306
00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:12,021
然后踹一脚说：“喂 操…”

307
00:21:12,647 --> 00:21:14,273
“搞什么鬼？该死的！”

308
00:21:15,066 --> 00:21:16,776
“等我出去 我要好好跟你聊聊 ”

309
00:21:20,697 --> 00:21:24,450
据说给孩子念书可以提前教育孩子

310
00:21:24,909 --> 00:21:27,745
拉美人会说：“再说吧

311
00:21:28,913 --> 00:21:31,290
等确定孩子是我的再说“

312
00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:36,879
“我可不想给别人的孩子念书”

313
00:21:38,131 --> 00:21:39,799
“抱过来让我看看”

314
00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:43,386
“他的肤色最好赶紧变深点 抱过来”

315
00:21:43,845 --> 00:21:46,347
“看着不像我啊 把兔崽子抱过来”

316
00:21:47,140 --> 00:21:49,058
就这死样子

317
00:21:49,142 --> 00:21:50,893
这就是我们的文化

318
00:21:50,977 --> 00:21:53,479
揭秘宝宝性别是一回事

319
00:21:54,105 --> 00:21:56,899
神经的拉美人更进一步

320
00:21:58,151 --> 00:22:00,403
我们还有父母揭秘

321
00:22:07,869 --> 00:22:09,328
他们带你去公园…

322
00:22:11,581 --> 00:22:12,915
“我们来这里干什么？”

323
00:22:19,297 --> 00:22:20,965
“你看到那边那个人了吗？”

324
00:22:22,467 --> 00:22:24,302
“哪一个？”
“那边那个人”

325
00:22:25,344 --> 00:22:26,179
“看到了”

326
00:22:29,307 --> 00:22:30,308
“那是你爸爸”

327
00:22:37,899 --> 00:22:38,733
“爸爸！”

328
00:22:41,652 --> 00:22:43,112
“靠 他还不知道 ”

329
00:22:44,989 --> 00:22:46,699
“我想让你先见见他”

330
00:22:47,867 --> 00:22:50,578
“然后说说你想怎么做 是打他还是…”

331
00:22:51,704 --> 00:22:54,165
“打招呼 看你心情”

332
00:22:54,957 --> 00:22:55,958
“让我想想”

333
00:22:58,544 --> 00:23:00,755
我从小就没有父亲陪伴

334
00:23:01,297 --> 00:23:03,382
我从来都不知道我爸爸是谁

335
00:23:03,466 --> 00:23:05,301
你能想象没有父亲吗？

336
00:23:09,597 --> 00:23:11,974
但我从小到大都有好友陪伴

337
00:23:12,058 --> 00:23:14,185
我们玩过所有孩子会玩的游戏

338
00:23:14,268 --> 00:23:16,979
现在都没人玩捉迷藏了

339
00:23:19,190 --> 00:23:22,026
我们满世界玩捉迷藏

340
00:23:22,110 --> 00:23:23,569
胜出的唯一办法

341
00:23:24,487 --> 00:23:26,030
就是没人能找到你

342
00:23:27,990 --> 00:23:30,618
大家都出来了 就剩你没被找到

343
00:23:30,701 --> 00:23:32,870
你他妈的就在车库后面

344
00:23:34,122 --> 00:23:35,873
你的朋友们都走了

345
00:23:38,793 --> 00:23:41,170
你三个小时后出来
“搞什么鬼？”

346
00:23:43,714 --> 00:23:44,632
“我赢了”

347
00:23:46,259 --> 00:23:47,510
天都他妈黑了

348
00:23:49,554 --> 00:23:51,889
蠢死了 我们以前玩的游戏

349
00:23:52,515 --> 00:23:55,268
你知道我们有多傻？
我们那时还盯太阳

350
00:23:56,769 --> 00:23:58,062
这在我们眼里也算游戏

351
00:23:58,855 --> 00:24:02,024
没有玩具 所有朋友当街站着…

352
00:24:04,652 --> 00:24:06,863
顶着三伏天 “该死的”

353
00:24:08,072 --> 00:24:10,283
眼角膜都顺着脸流出来了

354
00:24:12,118 --> 00:24:14,162
“我赢了”满眼花白

355
00:24:15,997 --> 00:24:17,665
车来车往…

356
00:24:20,251 --> 00:24:22,086
闭眼乱走…

357
00:24:23,129 --> 00:24:26,340
有人说：“有人想把
乔拜登从街上弄走吗？”

358
00:24:32,597 --> 00:24:33,431
操

359
00:24:34,056 --> 00:24:35,641
该死的乔拜登 靠

360
00:24:37,018 --> 00:24:38,436
那个混蛋老了…

361
00:24:40,104 --> 00:24:41,189
他本来好好的

362
00:24:42,106 --> 00:24:43,191
然后有一天…

363
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:48,905
他全身都红彤彤的

364
00:24:56,078 --> 00:24:57,455
“乔 你有那个 嗯？”

365
00:24:59,874 --> 00:25:01,125
“我的美国同胞们…”

366
00:25:02,543 --> 00:25:04,212
“我鼻孔里有东西吗？”

367
00:25:06,214 --> 00:25:07,215
有点水

368
00:25:08,424 --> 00:25:09,800
各位 乔就这样

369
00:25:10,384 --> 00:25:12,720
如果这就是变老的样子 那就去他的

370
00:25:14,722 --> 00:25:15,973
他走在路上…

371
00:25:17,892 --> 00:25:19,852
你见过他在草地上走的样子吗？

372
00:25:20,394 --> 00:25:21,437
他走路

373
00:25:22,230 --> 00:25:24,482
完全顺着打理草坪的路径

374
00:25:44,043 --> 00:25:45,211
他妈的变老了…

375
00:25:47,255 --> 00:25:49,924
他走路像打太极 就这样…

376
00:26:01,477 --> 00:26:02,687
操！你知道吗？

377
00:26:03,354 --> 00:26:05,106
干脆骗他说他赢了大选吧

378
00:26:07,149 --> 00:26:08,943
他在家里会很开心 对吧？

379
00:26:11,028 --> 00:26:12,071
要命 说真的

380
00:26:12,530 --> 00:26:15,491
不管怎样 这是最宜居的国家

381
00:26:18,744 --> 00:26:22,748
拉美人和其他人一样同属于这个国家

382
00:26:26,669 --> 00:26:28,921
他妈的想甩掉我们 混蛋！

383
00:26:31,382 --> 00:26:33,801
我们大多数人都没去过墨西哥

384
00:26:37,305 --> 00:26:39,724
如果你送我们去墨西哥
我们会说：“该死！”

385
00:26:41,392 --> 00:26:43,311
“搞什么？兄弟 墨西哥长这样？”

386
00:26:45,855 --> 00:26:48,274
没纱窗啊

387
00:26:50,276 --> 00:26:52,528
啤酒瓶拿来装盐 要命

388
00:26:53,821 --> 00:26:55,781
到处都有牙签 萝卜泛滥

389
00:26:55,865 --> 00:26:58,326
我该怎么适应啊？

390
00:26:59,035 --> 00:27:02,163
我去过墨西哥 那里不适合墨西哥人

391
00:27:04,373 --> 00:27:05,833
言尽于此

392
00:27:10,629 --> 00:27:13,007
我十岁的时候去墨西哥喝了水

393
00:27:18,137 --> 00:27:19,680
跟个傻子一样

394
00:27:20,973 --> 00:27:24,185
我应该注意到
其他人的牙齿都是棕色的

395
00:27:26,437 --> 00:27:28,939
“你们刷牙了还这么黄吗？”

396
00:27:30,941 --> 00:27:32,276
墨西哥 去他的

397
00:27:33,819 --> 00:27:36,697
我们有口音 我们从没去过墨西哥

398
00:27:36,781 --> 00:27:40,743
但我们在墨西哥有亲戚

399
00:27:40,826 --> 00:27:42,328
所以我们必须忠于自己的文化

400
00:27:44,205 --> 00:27:47,083
因为来自其他国家的人

401
00:27:47,166 --> 00:27:48,501
来到美国

402
00:27:48,584 --> 00:27:52,463
比土生土长的人都要努力

403
00:27:57,259 --> 00:28:00,638
奇卡诺人当清洁工
那混蛋整天混日子

404
00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:08,854
看到老板就装…

405
00:28:13,401 --> 00:28:17,530
他们有这些破毛病

406
00:28:18,072 --> 00:28:19,824
我觉得我们也有焦虑 但是…

407
00:28:22,576 --> 00:28:24,578
神经兮兮 叫什么 神经病吗？

408
00:28:25,454 --> 00:28:27,331
没有“焦虑”这样的称呼

409
00:28:28,124 --> 00:28:31,085
但我们所有人都神经兮兮
他们他妈的就给…

410
00:28:31,168 --> 00:28:34,755
不是给药或心理治疗
而是给杯糖水 “拿着”

411
00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:37,466
“你现在不会发抖了”

412
00:28:39,510 --> 00:28:40,970
你就是爱胡思乱想

413
00:28:42,221 --> 00:28:45,349
现在所有的孩子都有毛病了

414
00:28:46,100 --> 00:28:49,228
我外婆会在市场上
看到两岁的小孩戴眼镜

415
00:28:49,311 --> 00:28:51,439
我外婆会说：“乔治…”

416
00:28:55,651 --> 00:28:56,986
“装什么装 是吧？”

417
00:28:58,737 --> 00:29:01,157
“他才两岁 他能看什么啊”

418
00:29:03,367 --> 00:29:06,454
“我要把他的眼镜摘下来
看看他现在能不能看见 ”

419
00:29:08,414 --> 00:29:09,415
我们不这样

420
00:29:10,166 --> 00:29:12,168
我们该有的都有

421
00:29:12,251 --> 00:29:14,879
现在可以测试检查

422
00:29:15,671 --> 00:29:17,548
宝宝是否有问题

423
00:29:18,424 --> 00:29:19,800
都不用等孩子出生

424
00:29:20,801 --> 00:29:23,053
你去看医生
“是的 我们测完了…

425
00:29:23,637 --> 00:29:27,099
有些事情应该告诉你们”

426
00:29:28,058 --> 00:29:29,935
父母双方都握着手说：“我的天”

427
00:29:33,772 --> 00:29:35,483
“孩子会是左撇子”

428
00:29:40,196 --> 00:29:42,490
“我先不打扰你们了
你们可以考虑一下 ”

429
00:29:45,326 --> 00:29:47,453
我们呢 耳朵畸形

430
00:29:48,913 --> 00:29:51,040
鼻孔一大一小

431
00:29:52,458 --> 00:29:54,960
眼睛一只睁一只闭

432
00:29:56,462 --> 00:29:58,547
完全散养

433
00:29:59,006 --> 00:30:00,508
突然有天注意到你了

434
00:30:04,887 --> 00:30:07,056
“过来 看着我”

435
00:30:10,518 --> 00:30:12,102
“我他妈从没注意到”

436
00:30:19,026 --> 00:30:21,028
“他没有眼皮”

437
00:30:22,404 --> 00:30:24,156
“你没有眼皮？”

438
00:30:28,452 --> 00:30:30,079
“你一直都这样吗？”

439
00:30:34,166 --> 00:30:35,751
“你小子…不疼吗？”

440
00:30:37,378 --> 00:30:39,505
“好吧 去玩吧 我也不懂”

441
00:30:40,506 --> 00:30:42,633
“他已经五岁了 我们以前也没时间…”

442
00:30:45,261 --> 00:30:46,512
就这样糙养…

443
00:30:47,221 --> 00:30:49,807
现在这些孩子

444
00:30:49,890 --> 00:30:51,475
大多都犯罪

445
00:30:51,850 --> 00:30:53,435
在学校里开枪

446
00:30:53,519 --> 00:30:56,772
射杀朋友 净干些缺德的事

447
00:30:56,855 --> 00:30:59,149
家长跟傻子一样 “我不…”

448
00:31:00,651 --> 00:31:01,860
“我们不知道啊”

449
00:31:03,946 --> 00:31:06,407
我们的爸妈就会抓住苗头

450
00:31:07,575 --> 00:31:10,452
他们看到你路过会说：“过来”

451
00:31:11,870 --> 00:31:12,830
“看着我”

452
00:31:14,373 --> 00:31:15,374
“看着我的脸”

453
00:31:17,960 --> 00:31:19,920
“我不知道你在打什么主意…”

454
00:31:21,839 --> 00:31:22,965
“我没打算干什么”

455
00:31:23,048 --> 00:31:25,217
“这就对了 你老老实实的”

456
00:31:25,843 --> 00:31:28,095
“你和你的朋友出去吧 过来”

457
00:31:29,096 --> 00:31:30,097
“看着我”

458
00:31:34,852 --> 00:31:37,980
“不管你打算做什么

459
00:31:39,064 --> 00:31:40,357
我现在告诉你

460
00:31:41,025 --> 00:31:42,026
不管你做什么

461
00:31:43,193 --> 00:31:45,988
我会乘以十倍

462
00:31:47,281 --> 00:31:48,616
让你尝尝滋味”

463
00:31:50,868 --> 00:31:51,910
“尽管去做吧”

464
00:31:52,828 --> 00:31:55,122
“你他妈想做什么就去做吧”

465
00:31:55,205 --> 00:31:56,832
“但记住当我见到你

466
00:31:58,250 --> 00:32:00,502
我会十倍奉还”

467
00:32:02,630 --> 00:32:03,714
死孩子就这样…

468
00:32:11,597 --> 00:32:15,225
我外婆会对我大吼大叫一些奇怪的话

469
00:32:16,477 --> 00:32:17,519
她会说

470
00:32:18,187 --> 00:32:21,357
“别把蟑螂放在我的毛巾上”

471
00:32:28,447 --> 00:32:29,281
“什么？”

472
00:32:31,033 --> 00:32:35,621
“别把蟑螂放在我的毛巾上”

473
00:32:37,247 --> 00:32:41,043
我猜洗澡时屁股没洗干净

474
00:32:43,045 --> 00:32:45,172
又用毛巾去擦屁股

475
00:32:46,173 --> 00:32:48,425
会留下一点点那样的污渍

476
00:32:51,136 --> 00:32:52,096
像蟑螂

477
00:32:55,307 --> 00:32:56,684
我完全不知道

478
00:32:57,685 --> 00:33:00,604
有时候你忘了 你把它放进里面

479
00:33:01,105 --> 00:33:02,147
你心想：“哦

480
00:33:03,524 --> 00:33:04,775
“蟑螂就这么来的”

481
00:33:06,443 --> 00:33:08,404
然后如果她在床上穿衣服

482
00:33:08,487 --> 00:33:10,656
又没洗干净自己

483
00:33:10,739 --> 00:33:12,866
“该死的蟑螂跑我床单上了”

484
00:33:13,992 --> 00:33:16,912
“他放了三只蟑螂！他看不见吗？”

485
00:33:19,748 --> 00:33:21,834
他们莫名其妙就吼你 凭什么？

486
00:33:23,043 --> 00:33:25,504
太神经了 净为些破事吼我们

487
00:33:25,587 --> 00:33:29,049
现在大麻都合法了

488
00:33:29,675 --> 00:33:30,801
在加州是合法的

489
00:33:31,969 --> 00:33:35,139
你以为大家会平和点

490
00:33:37,307 --> 00:33:38,976
我告诉你

491
00:33:39,059 --> 00:33:40,894
我喝酒很多年了

492
00:33:41,645 --> 00:33:43,564
喝酒不是好事 你正开着车

493
00:33:44,106 --> 00:33:45,232
你不记得了

494
00:33:46,608 --> 00:33:48,277
你他妈的撞到东西…

495
00:33:49,111 --> 00:33:50,320
被拦下

496
00:33:50,404 --> 00:33:53,949
半夜出门开车没开头灯

497
00:33:54,032 --> 00:33:55,868
别人远光闪你

498
00:33:58,120 --> 00:33:59,788
突然听到…

499
00:34:02,583 --> 00:34:03,417
“该死！”

500
00:34:04,752 --> 00:34:06,712
但如果是大麻 “爽啊”

501
00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:09,255
坐在驾驶座…

502
00:34:16,679 --> 00:34:17,806
“我觉得我们到地方了”

503
00:34:20,141 --> 00:34:22,186
“靠 我们到了 不是吗？哇”

504
00:34:23,312 --> 00:34:24,396
“好快”

505
00:34:26,398 --> 00:34:27,983
“我们开得真快”

506
00:34:29,025 --> 00:34:32,112
嗑高了开车 连车都不用动

507
00:34:32,196 --> 00:34:34,406
全靠嘴巴模拟开车就行

508
00:34:38,911 --> 00:34:40,661
“等等我”
“好吧 上车”

509
00:34:42,664 --> 00:34:45,083
大麻太厉害了

510
00:34:45,958 --> 00:34:47,168
这我们知道…

511
00:34:49,213 --> 00:34:50,380
由来已久

512
00:34:50,464 --> 00:34:54,051
我们的外婆辈会把大麻放进酒瓶子里

513
00:34:55,719 --> 00:34:57,846
无一例外 她们用这个来止痛

514
00:35:04,561 --> 00:35:06,021
她们都嗑嗨了

515
00:35:11,318 --> 00:35:13,529
“你不是要去King Taco快餐店吗？
给我带个25的”

516
00:35:17,616 --> 00:35:19,785
“还有水 我不想喝 要苏打水”

517
00:35:21,453 --> 00:35:23,080
大麻太厉害了

518
00:35:23,163 --> 00:35:24,957
它能缓解你的焦虑

519
00:35:25,541 --> 00:35:27,876
它能缓解老人的疼痛

520
00:35:28,418 --> 00:35:31,213
纯为了上头也很不错

521
00:35:34,716 --> 00:35:38,387
但大麻能促进学业吗？我不信

522
00:35:39,555 --> 00:35:43,308
因为我们抽的那些东西让人变迟钝

523
00:35:44,518 --> 00:35:45,519
“乔治！”

524
00:35:53,735 --> 00:35:55,028
现在它让人变聪明了

525
00:35:56,113 --> 00:35:58,323
但之前 我们会变傻

526
00:35:58,866 --> 00:36:02,494
学校里没人知道几时考试
“我不知道“

527
00:36:04,621 --> 00:36:07,082
“我以为高考是周六 算了”

528
00:36:08,375 --> 00:36:10,294
“他们会让我们周六来吗？”

529
00:36:15,173 --> 00:36:17,384
佛罗里达有个人

530
00:36:18,051 --> 00:36:23,223
他的杀人名单上有100个人 准备炸死

531
00:36:23,640 --> 00:36:25,392
他会给他们

532
00:36:25,767 --> 00:36:28,645
送管状炸弹 猜猜谁在名单上

533
00:36:36,361 --> 00:36:38,280
只有该死的奇卡诺人才会高兴

534
00:36:39,781 --> 00:36:41,992
“他们想炸死你吗？”
“该死 是啊 是吧？”

535
00:36:43,201 --> 00:36:44,870
“还有谁？还有谁吗？”

536
00:36:44,953 --> 00:36:46,079
“那是拉美裔？不是？”

537
00:36:46,538 --> 00:36:51,168
所以联邦调查局和所有的警察部门

538
00:36:51,251 --> 00:36:52,961
他们给我打电话说

539
00:36:53,045 --> 00:36:55,839
“佛罗里达有个人”

540
00:36:55,923 --> 00:36:59,676
“有100个人的暗杀名单
你在名单上”

541
00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:01,803
“他可能会给你寄管状炸弹”

542
00:37:01,887 --> 00:37:04,306
“邮件里可能有管状炸弹 所以…”

543
00:37:04,389 --> 00:37:06,183
他们唯一告诉我的就是

544
00:37:06,266 --> 00:37:08,810
“不要打开任何可疑的包裹”

545
00:37:10,228 --> 00:37:12,356
然后他们都挂了电话 “等一下”

546
00:37:16,068 --> 00:37:18,236
但是你们知道的

547
00:37:19,613 --> 00:37:22,115
别人送餐到我家门口

548
00:37:24,159 --> 00:37:25,827
应该是玉米粉蒸肉

549
00:37:26,453 --> 00:37:28,246
一打包着锡箔纸的玉米粉蒸肉…

550
00:37:31,249 --> 00:37:32,584
可能是C4军用炸药

551
00:37:34,503 --> 00:37:35,796
也可能是工业炸药

552
00:37:36,964 --> 00:37:39,675
可能是美味炸了的绿酱玉米粉蒸鸡

553
00:37:41,176 --> 00:37:43,637
扔掉那玩意儿就没命了

554
00:37:45,514 --> 00:37:49,351
里面可能是人造低脂黄油的盒子

555
00:37:51,228 --> 00:37:52,980
定睛一看 “操！”

556
00:37:55,148 --> 00:37:56,858
“这可能是个炸弹

557
00:37:58,193 --> 00:37:59,277
或者墨西哥细面条”

558
00:38:02,906 --> 00:38:05,117
“我他妈要赌一把 去他的”

559
00:38:06,910 --> 00:38:08,662
如果阿姨发现我把那玩意扔了

560
00:38:08,745 --> 00:38:10,455
“下次我他妈会杀了你”

561
00:38:11,331 --> 00:38:14,376
但是没人懂我们的文化

562
00:38:15,252 --> 00:38:17,379
我认为拉美人与众不同

563
00:38:17,462 --> 00:38:21,299
因为不论男女都有嫉妒心

564
00:38:21,383 --> 00:38:25,178
我敢说因为我们的信仰不同

565
00:38:25,262 --> 00:38:28,390
比如在墨西哥 我们相信

566
00:38:29,099 --> 00:38:31,852
墨西哥城有一座雕像

567
00:38:31,935 --> 00:38:33,520
瓜达卢佩圣母

568
00:38:34,396 --> 00:38:36,857
她会流下血泪

569
00:38:37,524 --> 00:38:38,734
我们相信这一点

570
00:38:39,985 --> 00:38:44,740
但我们不会相信
你和女同事是普通朋友

571
00:38:52,372 --> 00:38:53,582
那个雕像 我们信

572
00:38:54,374 --> 00:38:55,834
那个女孩 你骗鬼

573
00:38:57,586 --> 00:38:58,587
“我看见你了”

574
00:39:00,172 --> 00:39:02,299
“你看见我了？”
“我看见你上了她”

575
00:39:04,259 --> 00:39:05,969
“在哪里？”
“在他妈的玉米饼里 ”

576
00:39:10,474 --> 00:39:11,308
所以…

577
00:39:12,059 --> 00:39:14,352
我们需要更…

578
00:39:14,728 --> 00:39:16,438
我们要更淡定一些

579
00:39:17,898 --> 00:39:20,609
我只结过一次婚

580
00:39:21,401 --> 00:39:24,613
有人问过我

581
00:39:25,614 --> 00:39:27,532
我有没有想过再结婚？

582
00:39:28,033 --> 00:39:29,242
我说

583
00:39:29,326 --> 00:39:31,078
“我他妈宁愿当着所有朋友

584
00:39:33,622 --> 00:39:35,290
被活活烧死”

585
00:39:37,501 --> 00:39:40,253
然后那个人说：“你可以直接说不”

586
00:39:43,507 --> 00:39:44,549
“好吧 不想”

587
00:39:46,718 --> 00:39:48,261
因为结过婚的人

588
00:39:48,345 --> 00:39:49,596
知道个中艰辛

589
00:39:49,679 --> 00:39:51,139
而且结婚越久

590
00:39:51,223 --> 00:39:54,101
还得做爱 毕竟这是义务

591
00:39:56,103 --> 00:39:57,938
我的意思是你结婚了

592
00:39:58,438 --> 00:40:00,816
但是有时候…

593
00:40:00,899 --> 00:40:03,735
她们会跟你预定：“下周三”
“该死”

594
00:40:05,237 --> 00:40:07,572
有一次我吃了一颗伟哥

595
00:40:10,408 --> 00:40:12,911
准备好了 结果我们吵架了

596
00:40:16,039 --> 00:40:17,457
我在吵架的时候就这样…

597
00:40:19,417 --> 00:40:20,919
“那他妈的滚吧”

598
00:40:24,589 --> 00:40:26,800
“快报警啊 随便你 我就在这”

599
00:40:28,343 --> 00:40:30,887
我说：“我懒得跟你说”
我坐下来 我的老二就这样…

600
00:40:35,892 --> 00:40:38,061
我坐下来 我的老二从后面伸出来

601
00:40:43,859 --> 00:40:46,319
结婚需谨慎 因为还有别的奇葩事

602
00:40:46,403 --> 00:40:48,738
婚姻咨询会要你

603
00:40:48,822 --> 00:40:53,076
“回到最初 去相识的地方”

604
00:40:53,160 --> 00:40:54,661
“分开坐两辆车

605
00:40:55,495 --> 00:40:58,915
回到初见的地方 去酒吧

606
00:40:59,624 --> 00:41:01,835
假装不认识对方”

607
00:41:02,586 --> 00:41:06,173
“然后走过去说
‘我可以请你喝一杯吗？’”

608
00:41:06,256 --> 00:41:08,842
然后开始交流：“你叫什么名字”

609
00:41:09,426 --> 00:41:13,221
“你是哪里人？”
试图重新点燃爱情的火花

610
00:41:14,639 --> 00:41:15,807
操 我没去

611
00:41:17,893 --> 00:41:18,894
去他的

612
00:41:21,813 --> 00:41:24,608
我说：“一个坑不能掉两次”

613
00:41:25,984 --> 00:41:27,027
“胡扯”

614
00:41:28,320 --> 00:41:32,365
所有影响了我生命的人

615
00:41:32,449 --> 00:41:33,909
都是拉美女性

616
00:41:33,992 --> 00:41:38,079
我们对她们亏欠太多赞美

617
00:41:38,163 --> 00:41:40,832
男人不在时都靠她们撑起家庭

618
00:41:46,463 --> 00:41:47,839
但如果你娶了拉美女性

619
00:41:49,716 --> 00:41:52,093
你不会过上理想的生活

620
00:41:54,679 --> 00:41:57,224
你会得到你应得的生活

621
00:42:05,690 --> 00:42:07,442
她们会护住你的 别担心

622
00:42:08,193 --> 00:42:10,904
在我这个年纪 能对我大吼的女性

623
00:42:10,987 --> 00:42:13,114
只会是护士或者医生

624
00:42:14,366 --> 00:42:15,200
“呼吸”

625
00:42:17,953 --> 00:42:19,120
想想吧

626
00:42:19,496 --> 00:42:21,248
世界上最富有的人

627
00:42:21,623 --> 00:42:22,749
杰夫贝索斯

628
00:42:23,708 --> 00:42:24,793
亚马逊的老板

629
00:42:25,919 --> 00:42:26,962
他的未婚妻

630
00:42:27,837 --> 00:42:28,797
是拉美女人…

631
00:42:31,800 --> 00:42:32,926
还带着孩子…

632
00:42:34,511 --> 00:42:37,389
和两三个别的男人生的

633
00:42:43,937 --> 00:42:45,313
他坐拥亚马逊

634
00:42:47,607 --> 00:42:50,151
亚马逊上什么都买得到

635
00:42:56,283 --> 00:42:58,243
居然找不到不带孩子的拉美女人？

636
00:43:02,247 --> 00:43:03,248
我只是说说

637
00:43:04,833 --> 00:43:07,210
虽然坐拥亚马逊 但这里是Wayfair…

638
00:43:08,878 --> 00:43:10,880
他在Wayfair家居网购物 Wayfair！

639
00:43:13,008 --> 00:43:14,843
快点选个有孩子的女人吧

640
00:43:16,303 --> 00:43:17,929
太厉害了

641
00:43:18,805 --> 00:43:22,142
这就是女穴的力量 但是…

642
00:43:23,184 --> 00:43:24,352
拉美女穴

643
00:43:26,062 --> 00:43:27,397
是更高级的境界

644
00:43:28,690 --> 00:43:30,483
这小子造火箭

645
00:43:30,567 --> 00:43:34,237
他宁愿和拉美女性在一起
也不愿去外太空玩玩

646
00:43:35,447 --> 00:43:36,364
一位拉美女性

647
00:43:37,198 --> 00:43:39,826
他可能会说：“大胆上游艇吧 孩子”

648
00:43:41,786 --> 00:43:44,205
世界首富和拉美女性在一起了

649
00:43:44,289 --> 00:43:47,208
她在前面走 他在后面跟着

650
00:43:49,794 --> 00:43:51,254
如果你是继父

651
00:43:52,213 --> 00:43:53,214
愿上帝保佑你

652
00:43:54,382 --> 00:43:57,135
做继父是最难的

653
00:43:58,386 --> 00:44:00,013
他们也难倒你了？

654
00:44:03,892 --> 00:44:06,853
很难想象

655
00:44:06,936 --> 00:44:10,940
怎么承担起先前父亲的职责

656
00:44:11,024 --> 00:44:14,152
肩负抚养孩子的义务

657
00:44:14,235 --> 00:44:16,279
把他们视如己出地养大

658
00:44:16,363 --> 00:44:18,031
太感人了

659
00:44:19,657 --> 00:44:20,658
大家都这副表情…

660
00:44:23,828 --> 00:44:25,580
天堂里有个特别的地方

661
00:44:27,040 --> 00:44:27,874
给你的…

662
00:44:28,708 --> 00:44:30,835
傻缺专区

663
00:44:35,715 --> 00:44:37,842
去站在本阿弗莱克旁边

664
00:44:41,679 --> 00:44:43,932
该死的本阿弗莱克 你看到他了吗？

665
00:44:45,308 --> 00:44:46,976
又是仰天长啸

666
00:44:49,104 --> 00:44:51,272
又是摔门而去

667
00:44:52,482 --> 00:44:55,360
婚戒有一搭没一搭地戴着

668
00:44:56,403 --> 00:44:59,239
想要丰臀美女就得付出代价

669
00:45:00,323 --> 00:45:02,450
想要蜜桃臀姑娘就得这样

670
00:45:03,451 --> 00:45:06,788
她已经在为下一个男人自拍了
“下一个！”

671
00:45:08,248 --> 00:45:11,042
“去你的 我才不要过去
不要 我就待在这里”

672
00:45:11,960 --> 00:45:14,087
这就是拉美女穴的力量

673
00:45:18,216 --> 00:45:19,592
你知道我刚刚想起了什么吗？

674
00:45:21,511 --> 00:45:23,012
这个专场是卖给亚马逊的

675
00:45:33,648 --> 00:45:35,024
“谁找我谈话？”

676
00:45:36,860 --> 00:45:38,236
“贝索斯的未婚妻？”

677
00:45:40,071 --> 00:45:41,698
“夫人 对不起 我…”

678
00:45:43,533 --> 00:45:46,828
但我想念我的外婆

679
00:45:47,328 --> 00:45:49,330
我的外婆和许多拉美人一样

680
00:45:49,414 --> 00:45:51,583
患有痴呆症

681
00:45:53,960 --> 00:45:56,337
反正我觉得是
我们没带她去看过医生

682
00:46:00,508 --> 00:46:02,302
有一次我回家

683
00:46:02,385 --> 00:46:04,262
我说：“外婆 是我”

684
00:46:04,345 --> 00:46:06,139
她说：“谁是‘我’？”

685
00:46:06,222 --> 00:46:08,766
我说：“是我”

686
00:46:09,434 --> 00:46:10,268
“乔治”

687
00:46:10,727 --> 00:46:11,978
“我不认识叫乔治的”

688
00:46:13,104 --> 00:46:15,773
“是我” 然后我开始报小名“胆小鬼”

689
00:46:18,401 --> 00:46:19,694
“尿床仔”

690
00:46:21,404 --> 00:46:23,031
她说：“我他妈不认识什么尿床仔”

691
00:46:24,908 --> 00:46:27,702
我说：“该死 我外婆不记得我了”

692
00:46:28,328 --> 00:46:31,539
然后我们看着对方
她说：“我逗傻子呢 进来！”

693
00:46:32,373 --> 00:46:33,666
“我骗到你了 小子？”

694
00:46:34,709 --> 00:46:35,960
“你都没哭吗？”

695
00:46:36,044 --> 00:46:38,880
“等我真死了
你最好给我哭 进来吧”

696
00:46:40,924 --> 00:46:43,301
我口中的外婆看似刻薄

697
00:46:43,384 --> 00:46:45,637
因为她从来没告诉我她爱我

698
00:46:45,720 --> 00:46:48,932
她连招呼都不跟我打 不知道怎么的

699
00:46:51,601 --> 00:46:55,230
我很感激大家来看我的演出

700
00:47:00,902 --> 00:47:03,571
我做单口喜剧很久了

701
00:47:03,655 --> 00:47:08,451
我从1979年开始就做单口喜剧

702
00:47:12,497 --> 00:47:13,665
也是很多年了

703
00:47:14,874 --> 00:47:16,834
那段时间里我经历了…

704
00:47:16,918 --> 00:47:20,046
我很幸运能遇到一些美好的事

705
00:47:20,129 --> 00:47:22,799
星光大道上有了属于我的星星

706
00:47:27,971 --> 00:47:31,349
杜莎夫人蜡像馆有我的蜡像

707
00:47:34,936 --> 00:47:37,230
那个蜡像已经50岁了

708
00:47:38,439 --> 00:47:39,941
我63岁了

709
00:47:42,068 --> 00:47:43,403
我去那里拍了张照片

710
00:47:43,486 --> 00:47:46,531
看起来像这个男人
想在市场拐跑小男孩

711
00:47:50,702 --> 00:47:53,121
甚至有人问蜡像：“你还好吗？” 操

712
00:47:55,123 --> 00:47:56,958
2002年我有了自己的节目

713
00:47:57,041 --> 00:48:01,462
首个全国联播的
拉美裔节目《乔治洛佩兹》

714
00:48:05,800 --> 00:48:08,928
我现在有另一个节目
《洛佩兹之战》

715
00:48:09,012 --> 00:48:11,014
这个节目让我能和女儿玛妍共事

716
00:48:11,097 --> 00:48:12,640
这是最完美的事

717
00:48:16,728 --> 00:48:18,730
这是我最后一次专场了

718
00:48:18,813 --> 00:48:20,940
谢谢你们来看我

719
00:48:36,664 --> 00:48:41,002
老了后
有人问我想给世界留下怎样的形象

720
00:48:41,085 --> 00:48:42,587
我告诉他们：“像这样”

721
00:48:50,136 --> 00:48:53,056
非常感谢大家 我爱你们

722
00:48:53,431 --> 00:48:55,600
谢谢大家来看演出

723
00:49:56,369 --> 00:49:58,371
字幕翻译：杜爽

724
00:49:58,454 --> 00:50:00,456
创意监督 朝思