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[guitar music playing]

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[flame igniting]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[glitching audio]

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-[applause and cheers]
-["Low Rider" by WAR playing]

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[Mayan over speakers]
Ladies and gentlemen,

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00:00:26,652 --> 00:00:32,283
please welcome to the stage
the legendary, el más chingón,

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my dad, George Lopez!

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-¡Órale!
-[cheers]

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-What a show!
-[cheers]

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-Latinos!
-[cheers]

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-Married to Latinos!
-[cheers]

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Welcome to the Dolby.

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Welcome to the show.
Thank you, everybody, for being here.

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They said, "What are you going
to call the special?"

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I said,
"Let me think of a good fucking name, eh.

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00:01:43,479 --> 00:01:44,939
Freak offs."

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[in Spanish] But then, better not.

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[in English] Fuck it, freak--
Try to explain that shit to Latinos.

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[in Spanish] "What...? How does that go?

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Jiffy?

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00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:04,625
Diddy? What were they doing, fucking?

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[in English] Fuck everybody who was there
on the fucking boat.

25
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[imitates wiping]

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Who was there?
Fucking Jay-Z, el negrito, fucking, ¿eh?

27
00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:19,557
Who else, the Kardashians?
No, those are whores, those bitches.

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Of course, wherever people are fucking,
they're going to be there."

29
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Thank you so much for coming
to the show, it's...

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[cheering]

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You know, it's funny to get older
because somebody...

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I don't know if it's a compliment,
but I don't think so.

33
00:02:41,078 --> 00:02:47,376
Somebody said to me,
"Hey, has anybody ever told you

34
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you look like an old George Lopez?"

35
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I say, "Fuck yeah, I fucking feel
like a fucking old George Lopez."

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When I was young,
I'd be in the fucking boat.

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[imitates wiping]

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And now,
[in Spanish] I'm a fucking old man.

39
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[in English] "Go on without me.

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00:03:13,485 --> 00:03:15,487
I'll meet you guys in Cancun.

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00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:18,657
Probably need to eat."

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00:03:21,118 --> 00:03:22,494
And you know, Latinos,
when they get older,

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you know that we don't want
to go to the doctor.

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So if you say, like,
"Hey, man, you fucking look old."

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And then you try to prove
that you don't need to go to the doctor.

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"Hey, if I was fucking old,
would I be able to do this? Watch out."

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"All right, but tomorrow,
if you stop breathing,

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we're going to take you
to the fucking emergency..."

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It's fucked up to get old, you know,
because when you're young, you can run.

50
00:03:50,064 --> 00:03:53,233
You look good. A car's passing,
they let you pass. You're like...

51
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You're fucking viejo,
I run like I fucking found gold.

52
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Ye-he-he!

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That's why all fucking Latinos always say,
"How far is it?"

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There's no miles. Just a sound.

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"In Bakersfield? Ooh... No.

56
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I don't have enough gas for... Ooh!

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I can make it over there,
but I'm not going to make it back."

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Man, I didn't know
I was going to look like this.

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I wish I had a fucking choice.

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Chinga, that's why some people ask me,

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"How come you don't have
your own tequila brand?"

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I said, "I think they can
see the fucking destruction."

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"Come on. I'll be right back
in the baptism. Hang on." [groans]

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[hacks]

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Anybody want to look like this?
All fucking dressed up? No.

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Mejor no.
I'd rather just fucking be natural.

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You know, it's fucked up. I was
in the casino, and I heard this guy say,

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because I'm not -- haven't been old
that long, so I can still hear.

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I heard this guy say, "Go ask
that old Mexican lady what time it is."

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"You don't know what time it is?"

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They probably saw me from behind.
Look at it. "Ah.

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¿Ahorita? I don't know.

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I just got my hair dyed.
¿Ahorita? I don't know.

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I'm waiting for them to pick me up.
[in Spanish] We're going

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with Jiffy on the boat, fucking.

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[in English] I'm waiting for Raymond
to pick me up."

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Fuck.

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That's fucked up.

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And I'm not going to cut my hair
because so many men lose their hair.

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I thought it'd be fucked up
if I cut mine.

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I think to me, this is having, like,
big chichis, you're like...

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Fuck! My eyes are over here, fuck.

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Pinche viejo has hair
like a fucking lady, ¿que no?

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So I lost...

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-I lost 40 pounds.
-[cheers]

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[cheering intensifies]

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You know, only the white people ask.
"How did you...

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Did you go on a meal program?

89
00:06:40,609 --> 00:06:43,070
Did they deliver-- Did you cut carbs?"

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I lost it the old fashioned way. [snorts]

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I've been walking for three fucking days.
[snorts]

92
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"You passed your house!"

93
00:07:07,719 --> 00:07:09,138
[snorts]

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You know, when you're young,
they go, "Hey, go like that."

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00:07:14,643 --> 00:07:16,395
"You know, you got a little..."
"Oh, yeah."

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00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:22,317
When you are a fucking viejo, you
got a fucking moco, "Hey, go like that."

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00:07:25,154 --> 00:07:27,906
"Why you rubbing a moco
on your fucking gums?"

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00:07:29,992 --> 00:07:33,036
"Because I didn't know it was a moco
until right now when I tasted it."

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00:07:35,330 --> 00:07:36,748
[hacks]

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That's why I think, you know,
so many old people are on drugs.

101
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But all of them, you know,
they don't really help you.

102
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They maybe lower your blood pressure,
but none...

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But none of them
make you want to fucking do shit.

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That's why I think they should make, like,
cocaine for viejitos, like...

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00:08:01,315 --> 00:08:03,025
"Blozempic."

106
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Like not all the way strong, like...
Like when you're young,

107
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but just enough to get you...

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[in Spanish]
"Aunt, you're not going to...?

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[in English]
You're not even gonna go to church?"

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"No... I'm tired. Wait--" [snorts]

111
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Yeah, I'll go. Vámonos.

112
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I'll go.

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"Tía, we're outside."
"Shut up."

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Just... [snorts]
enough to get you to church.

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Breakfast. Go see a friend.

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And then at home, "¡Ay!

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I did enough already, no?

118
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No, I don't wanna go.
[in Spanish] Maybe tomorrow.

119
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[in English] They're gonna
bring me some more..." [snorts]

120
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That'd be fucked up,
if you see your grandma.

121
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You're driving home, and you...

122
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It's at night, and you see
your grandma on the street.

123
00:09:05,796 --> 00:09:06,838
"Grandma?

124
00:09:10,801 --> 00:09:13,262
What the fuck? What's the matter?"
[snorts] "Nothing.

125
00:09:16,515 --> 00:09:17,808
Nothing."

126
00:09:19,268 --> 00:09:20,560
"Where's your cane?"

127
00:09:21,812 --> 00:09:23,397
"My fucking pimp took it.

128
00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:27,317
He didn't want me taking off."

129
00:09:29,152 --> 00:09:31,363
"What the fuck are you doing?"

130
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[in Spanish] "You wanna buy a wheelchair?

131
00:09:34,449 --> 00:09:36,952
[in English]
I need a little bit... [snorts]

132
00:09:37,035 --> 00:09:38,495
and then I'll be good, no?"

133
00:09:39,705 --> 00:09:43,333
I think only Latino families
are the ones that could end up

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with a full-sized hospital bed

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00:09:47,337 --> 00:09:48,588
in the living room.

136
00:09:50,382 --> 00:09:52,467
Do you ever have viejos? They get old.

137
00:09:53,343 --> 00:09:55,762
You can't afford a nursing home or...

138
00:09:56,763 --> 00:09:58,390
round the clock nurses.

139
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When you're fucking 11,
"Hey, take care of your grandpa."

140
00:10:01,893 --> 00:10:03,562
"Fuck!"

141
00:10:03,645 --> 00:10:07,899
Full fucking hospital bed
in the living room, ahí.

142
00:10:11,987 --> 00:10:13,947
He overhears every conversation.

143
00:10:15,824 --> 00:10:17,242
We're going to go to the party
after church.

144
00:10:17,326 --> 00:10:19,077
You hear the fucking bed come up.
[imitates motor]

145
00:10:23,915 --> 00:10:25,917
[in Spanish] "You're not taking me?
[in English] I want to go."

146
00:10:28,420 --> 00:10:30,881
"You haven't been out of the house
in ten years."

147
00:10:32,591 --> 00:10:34,593
[imitates motor]

148
00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:39,806
That's why you have to enjoy yourself,

149
00:10:39,890 --> 00:10:43,935
even when you're young, every day,
because you can fucking get old.

150
00:10:44,019 --> 00:10:46,021
[cheers]

151
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:49,983
[in Spanish] In a heartbeat.
[in English] Fuck.

152
00:10:50,859 --> 00:10:54,821
I'm fucking new at being old,
so I don't really totally get it yet.

153
00:10:56,490 --> 00:10:57,407
But when you get old,

154
00:10:57,491 --> 00:11:00,077
you won't be able to see shit
with your mouth closed.

155
00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:03,080
You go, "Look," you go...

156
00:11:06,249 --> 00:11:08,001
"I can't see the fucking sign."

157
00:11:10,128 --> 00:11:11,338
"Open your mouth."

158
00:11:14,591 --> 00:11:16,593
"Now I can see, fuck!

159
00:11:19,513 --> 00:11:21,264
They have all of that aquí?"

160
00:11:23,558 --> 00:11:25,894
"I can't see."
"Open your fucking mouth."

161
00:11:25,977 --> 00:11:30,107
"Oh yeah. Now I can see, mira."

162
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:35,404
Fucking get old, chingado.
You know how old I am?

163
00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:38,740
I went to try to go adopt a cat.
I never had a cat.

164
00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:43,161
So I went to go try to adopt a kitten.

165
00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:46,998
And I could see the ladies talking,

166
00:11:47,082 --> 00:11:51,086
and they came back,
and the fucking ladies told me, "No."

167
00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:54,005
They go...

168
00:11:57,843 --> 00:12:01,221
"We reviewed your paperwork,
and we just agreed that..."

169
00:12:03,432 --> 00:12:06,143
I said, "What the fuck?"

170
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:08,562
"Well, who's going to
take care of it when you die?"

171
00:12:15,819 --> 00:12:18,196
And then the other lady said,
"In three years.

172
00:12:21,700 --> 00:12:25,704
They're going to find you with the fucking
cat eating your fucking face in the..."

173
00:12:25,787 --> 00:12:29,624
I said, "All right, you know what?
You could have just said no, fuck it.

174
00:12:29,708 --> 00:12:32,878
Just tell me no, don't tell me all that
fucking shit that's wrong with me."

175
00:12:34,212 --> 00:12:36,173
Chinga, fucking old.

176
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:41,094
And then you get old, and women
stay sexual their whole lives.

177
00:12:41,178 --> 00:12:42,471
Cochinas.

178
00:12:45,557 --> 00:12:48,226
All horny, you know, fucking viejas.

179
00:12:48,310 --> 00:12:50,687
They're all old.
"I want you inside me."

180
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:52,397
Fucking...

181
00:12:52,481 --> 00:12:55,567
"Get that fucking palo
and put it inside me!"

182
00:12:56,651 --> 00:12:58,111
You're all so fucking scared.

183
00:13:04,743 --> 00:13:06,745
"Put that dick inside me!"

184
00:13:11,917 --> 00:13:13,919
"I might-- I might stay out here.

185
00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:19,883
I've been in there.

186
00:13:21,843 --> 00:13:23,970
Ya estoy viejo,
I don't want to go in there."

187
00:13:26,223 --> 00:13:27,557
But when you're young,

188
00:13:28,517 --> 00:13:31,269
you're driving, you want to get
your dick sucked when you're driving.

189
00:13:32,395 --> 00:13:34,606
You're driving,
fucking leg out the window.

190
00:13:34,689 --> 00:13:37,943
Fucking honking the horn.
[imitates horn]

191
00:13:39,444 --> 00:13:41,112
"Watch out!"
"Fuck."

192
00:13:42,531 --> 00:13:44,824
Fucking just leaning on the horn.
[imitates horn]

193
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:47,786
"That's you,
pick your head up a little bit."

194
00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:51,581
[imitates horn]

195
00:13:56,711 --> 00:13:59,256
And then you're older, and she wants it.

196
00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:02,050
And you're like,
"I'm so fucking tired at home."

197
00:14:03,927 --> 00:14:05,220
"Let me suck it."

198
00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,183
"I don't think that's going to happen.

199
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,728
I didn't take a shower."

200
00:14:15,730 --> 00:14:17,482
"I'll fucking clean it with my mouth.

201
00:14:19,234 --> 00:14:22,946
Bring it over here.
I'll clean it with my mouth.

202
00:14:24,155 --> 00:14:26,616
Tráelo, I could smell it from here,
but bring it.

203
00:14:28,326 --> 00:14:29,744
I'll clean it, bring it."

204
00:14:31,621 --> 00:14:33,164
You're all fucking scared.

205
00:14:35,125 --> 00:14:38,670
"If you do that, my next call
will be to the Center of Disease Control.

206
00:14:40,297 --> 00:14:41,923
'No' means 'no.'"

207
00:14:44,342 --> 00:14:49,973
Fuck, because it's too hard to keep
everything clean, yeah? You know.

208
00:14:50,056 --> 00:14:53,393
At night, they grab your weenie,
and they're fucking like, "Hey."

209
00:14:53,476 --> 00:14:55,312
And then you're like, "Smell your hand."

210
00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:01,443
[hacks] "I told you!

211
00:15:02,777 --> 00:15:06,823
I tried to give you the trigger warning.
Don't fucking touch me.

212
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,950
You're not going to like it.
And now what?"

213
00:15:11,369 --> 00:15:15,582
But when you're young, nobody smells.
Everybody's fresh.

214
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:21,463
You know, you go on a date,
you're putting mano with a girl, you know,

215
00:15:21,546 --> 00:15:23,006
you're driving home.

216
00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:31,931
Fucking pass your house, fucking...

217
00:15:37,812 --> 00:15:40,815
Only dudes... Only dudes can do that.

218
00:15:41,983 --> 00:15:45,111
There's not a woman
that's jacking some dude off.

219
00:15:45,195 --> 00:15:47,197
And then on the way home,
and she's like...

220
00:15:50,492 --> 00:15:52,035
"Fucking roll the window down.

221
00:15:53,995 --> 00:15:55,538
Fucking get it off!

222
00:15:56,956 --> 00:16:00,710
Get it off. Fuck, it's fucking
under my nails. Get it off!"

223
00:16:02,212 --> 00:16:06,257
You look at your friend. "Fuck you,
don't fucking touch me with that shit.

224
00:16:06,341 --> 00:16:08,551
Fucking huele feo,
I fucking told you."

225
00:16:11,012 --> 00:16:13,598
It's way different now, I mean, you know,

226
00:16:13,682 --> 00:16:18,103
when we were growing up,
viejas had hair... [whooshes]

227
00:16:19,270 --> 00:16:21,523
Now, nothing. [imitates razor]

228
00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:23,942
Now you can see it.

229
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:30,949
"It looks mad.

230
00:16:37,622 --> 00:16:40,250
Why does it look like it's following me?

231
00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:44,337
Like a painting with eyes?"

232
00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:48,967
And then in our day, viejas had hair,
you're putting your hand...

233
00:16:50,385 --> 00:16:51,636
Not anywhere near.

234
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:56,933
"Right there. I don't feel nothing."

235
00:16:57,976 --> 00:16:59,894
It's all trapped in the hair.

236
00:17:02,647 --> 00:17:05,108
"I'm going to cut it out
like a dolphin in the net."

237
00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:09,028
"You better not cut it out!"
[imitates cut]

238
00:17:09,112 --> 00:17:11,114
"Fuck it, my ring is in there."

239
00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:15,577
That's why I think
if you've been married 30 years or more,

240
00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:17,787
-[cheers]
-God bless you.

241
00:17:19,622 --> 00:17:23,084
But I don't think you should make
your wife suck your dick anymore, yeah.

242
00:17:25,086 --> 00:17:26,671
She's put her time in.

243
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:31,509
You know, you had a lot
of fucking years to get it sucked.

244
00:17:31,593 --> 00:17:32,927
You're too old now.

245
00:17:35,180 --> 00:17:38,850
"You know, you can suck it hard."
"Bullshit. Fuck you."

246
00:17:38,933 --> 00:17:41,853
35 years, just thank her.
"Thank you for your service.

247
00:17:44,981 --> 00:17:46,274
Appreciate it.

248
00:17:47,692 --> 00:17:50,737
No, you don't have to anymore.
[in Spanish] Yeah, it's over.

249
00:17:51,488 --> 00:17:54,157
[in English] Thank you for--
At ease. No."

250
00:17:57,660 --> 00:17:59,704
And all day, you just be like, "Damn."

251
00:17:59,788 --> 00:18:02,874
You trying to get all your friends
to smell it, you know?

252
00:18:02,957 --> 00:18:04,417
"I don't smell nothing."

253
00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:06,628
"Did you get her phone number?"

254
00:18:06,711 --> 00:18:09,047
"Fuck that. I got DNA, bato,
I'll find her.

255
00:18:11,132 --> 00:18:14,594
I'll find when her relatives came
to America too, I'll find all that shit."

256
00:18:16,805 --> 00:18:19,307
It's different now, you know.

257
00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:21,392
And then your kids are all you know,
if you have kids,

258
00:18:21,476 --> 00:18:26,147
they're not like us when we grew up.
You know, fucking pussies, fuck.

259
00:18:28,650 --> 00:18:31,778
Everybody wants them.
Nobody wanted us.

260
00:18:31,861 --> 00:18:33,488
They'd be bitching about putting you
in the car seat.

261
00:18:33,571 --> 00:18:35,073
"I have to fucking...

262
00:18:35,156 --> 00:18:36,783
You wanna put him in the car seat?

263
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:39,202
He's an accident.

264
00:18:40,995 --> 00:18:43,623
But I got to worry about him
being in an accident?

265
00:18:45,917 --> 00:18:47,085
Fuck that."

266
00:18:48,962 --> 00:18:53,508
All of that shit that, you know,
in school, like all the kids now

267
00:18:53,591 --> 00:18:55,009
are supposed to be a little bit smart.

268
00:18:55,093 --> 00:18:58,221
Like they don't let you be a pendejo,
you know, like...

269
00:18:59,556 --> 00:19:03,685
-Some of us, you know, weren't that smart.
-[cheer]

270
00:19:03,768 --> 00:19:05,144
And that was all right.

271
00:19:06,062 --> 00:19:09,107
You know, those are the ones
they would pin the notes on your back,

272
00:19:10,567 --> 00:19:14,112
so you couldn't touch it,
you know, on the way home.

273
00:19:14,195 --> 00:19:17,323
And now all the kids,
you know, have to be entertained.

274
00:19:17,407 --> 00:19:20,952
You know, they can't
they can't entertain themselves.

275
00:19:21,035 --> 00:19:24,205
You have to be responsible
for their entertainment.

276
00:19:24,998 --> 00:19:27,584
You know,
there's a fucking million things to do.

277
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:30,128
And they're bored, you know.

278
00:19:30,211 --> 00:19:32,380
They come over to you
with a stupid ass face.

279
00:19:37,552 --> 00:19:40,722
"What's the matter with you?"
"I'm bored."

280
00:19:42,932 --> 00:19:45,894
"Well, jack off. That's what I used to do.

281
00:19:45,977 --> 00:19:48,730
That's what I used to do
when I was bored."

282
00:19:48,813 --> 00:19:52,400
Fucking get it right there,
and turn your head to the left.

283
00:19:52,483 --> 00:19:54,611
[in Spanish] And get it out...

284
00:19:54,694 --> 00:19:57,447
[in English] And then... [snores]

285
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:04,495
And they'll find you, right there,
without saying... [snores]

286
00:20:05,830 --> 00:20:09,375
You know,
all of that shit is crazy, man.

287
00:20:09,459 --> 00:20:14,130
You know, I thought
when I saw gender reveal that...

288
00:20:16,132 --> 00:20:20,595
That was pretty fucking crazy,
people fucking burned their house down

289
00:20:20,678 --> 00:20:22,764
and fucking hit each other with bats.

290
00:20:23,598 --> 00:20:26,893
Fucking blow shit up. A fucking car
hits them, they're in the street.

291
00:20:28,061 --> 00:20:31,189
"What color was the fucking car
that hit me, pink or blue?

292
00:20:32,941 --> 00:20:34,943
I still don't know
what the baby is going to be."

293
00:20:35,026 --> 00:20:37,028
All fucking tirado.

294
00:20:38,488 --> 00:20:41,449
That's why, when people have kids,
they know.

295
00:20:41,532 --> 00:20:45,662
So a lot of the times,
they read to the kid in the womb,

296
00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:50,667
so they're already learning
before they're even outside,

297
00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:52,418
before they're even born.

298
00:20:52,502 --> 00:20:54,045
The parents read to them.

299
00:20:54,128 --> 00:20:57,465
If you're a fucking Latino kid,
you're like, "Who the fuck is...

300
00:20:58,883 --> 00:21:00,718
Who the fuck is out there talking?

301
00:21:02,095 --> 00:21:04,472
I'm trying to fucking sleep,
they fucking keep...

302
00:21:05,431 --> 00:21:08,643
Every night, they're fucking talking
to me at that same fucking time."

303
00:21:09,644 --> 00:21:15,024
Be throwing a fucking patada,
"Hey, fuck. Cómo chingan, fucking hey!

304
00:21:15,108 --> 00:21:16,734
I'll talk to you when I get out.'"

305
00:21:20,655 --> 00:21:24,826
They say if you read to a kid,
you can start to educate them before.

306
00:21:24,909 --> 00:21:27,745
Fucking Latino dudes are like,
"I don't know. You know...

307
00:21:28,997 --> 00:21:31,374
I'm gonna wait to find out
if it's mine before.

308
00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:37,171
I'm not reading to any fucking kid
that might not be mine.

309
00:21:38,214 --> 00:21:40,258
Bring him over here.
Let me see him.

310
00:21:40,341 --> 00:21:42,051
He better get darker on the fucking way
over here.

311
00:21:42,135 --> 00:21:44,679
Bring him over here.
He don't look like me.

312
00:21:44,762 --> 00:21:46,889
Bring that motherfucker over here."

313
00:21:46,973 --> 00:21:48,433
All that shit.

314
00:21:48,516 --> 00:21:50,852
You know, all the shit
that's, like, cultural to us.

315
00:21:50,935 --> 00:21:54,689
Like gender reveal is one thing,
you know?

316
00:21:54,772 --> 00:21:57,150
Fucking Latinos took it to another level.

317
00:21:57,942 --> 00:22:00,611
We do the parent reveal.

318
00:22:07,869 --> 00:22:09,454
They take you to the park.

319
00:22:11,497 --> 00:22:13,082
"What are we doing here?"

320
00:22:19,130 --> 00:22:20,465
"You see that man right there?"

321
00:22:22,508 --> 00:22:25,261
"Which one?"
"The one right there."

322
00:22:25,344 --> 00:22:26,304
"Yeah."

323
00:22:29,307 --> 00:22:30,308
"That's your dad."

324
00:22:37,815 --> 00:22:39,650
"Daddy!"
[shushes]

325
00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:43,362
"He fucking doesn't know.

326
00:22:44,989 --> 00:22:49,035
I wanted you to see him first
and tell us what you want to do.

327
00:22:49,118 --> 00:22:54,916
We'll fuck him up, or you can say hi.
Whichever one you want."

328
00:22:54,999 --> 00:22:56,125
"Let me think."

329
00:22:58,336 --> 00:23:01,130
I grew up without my father.
I didn't know...

330
00:23:01,214 --> 00:23:05,301
I didn't know my father ever.
Can you imagine missing out on this?

331
00:23:09,722 --> 00:23:11,808
So yeah, I had good friends
growing up though,

332
00:23:11,891 --> 00:23:14,227
and we played all the fucking games
that kids played.

333
00:23:14,310 --> 00:23:17,480
Fucking nobody plays that shit now.
Hide and seek.

334
00:23:19,273 --> 00:23:21,943
Fucking hide and seek.
We'd be fucking around all over the place.

335
00:23:22,026 --> 00:23:26,114
The only way you win
is nobody can find you.

336
00:23:27,990 --> 00:23:30,535
So everybody comes out,
and you're the one they can't find,

337
00:23:30,618 --> 00:23:32,954
you're all fucking over there
behind the garage.

338
00:23:34,163 --> 00:23:35,873
All your fucking friends have left.

339
00:23:38,751 --> 00:23:40,753
You come out like three hours later.
"What the fuck...

340
00:23:43,631 --> 00:23:44,882
I won!"

341
00:23:46,217 --> 00:23:47,510
It's all fucking dark.

342
00:23:49,637 --> 00:23:52,431
Fucking pendejos,
all that shit that we used to play,

343
00:23:52,515 --> 00:23:55,351
You know how stupid we were?
We used to look in the sun.

344
00:23:56,686 --> 00:23:58,813
That was a game for us.

345
00:23:58,896 --> 00:24:02,233
Fucking no toys, you got all your friends
in the middle of the street.

346
00:24:04,569 --> 00:24:06,571
Fucking middle of the summer.

347
00:24:07,822 --> 00:24:10,116
A fucking cornea running down your face.

348
00:24:12,076 --> 00:24:14,412
"I win!"
Fucking see dots and shit.

349
00:24:15,997 --> 00:24:18,749
Fucking cars coming down the street.
[imitates horn]

350
00:24:20,209 --> 00:24:23,004
Fucking walking all fucking like...

351
00:24:23,087 --> 00:24:25,882
Somebody go, "Hey, somebody wanna go
get Joe Biden out of the street?"

352
00:24:27,133 --> 00:24:29,719
[cheers]

353
00:24:32,096 --> 00:24:33,139
Fuck.

354
00:24:34,056 --> 00:24:36,100
Fucking Joe Biden, chingado.

355
00:24:37,059 --> 00:24:41,939
That motherfucker got old.
He was all right.

356
00:24:42,023 --> 00:24:45,693
And then one day... [imitates stammer]

357
00:24:45,776 --> 00:24:49,071
Aparece todo quemado.
He's all fucking burnt up.

358
00:24:52,992 --> 00:24:54,368
[stammers]

359
00:24:56,078 --> 00:24:58,080
"Hey, Joe, poquito ahí." [snorts]

360
00:25:00,041 --> 00:25:01,542
"My fellow Americans...

361
00:25:02,710 --> 00:25:04,045
Do I have something right here?"

362
00:25:06,047 --> 00:25:07,673
Some water. [snorts]

363
00:25:08,424 --> 00:25:10,426
Fucking Joe, man.

364
00:25:10,509 --> 00:25:12,803
If that's what it's like to get old,
fuck that.

365
00:25:14,764 --> 00:25:17,725
Fuck, he's walking... ¡Chinga!

366
00:25:17,808 --> 00:25:20,144
You see him walk on grass?

367
00:25:20,228 --> 00:25:24,649
He'll walk in whatever direction
the grass is cut.

368
00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:45,544
Fucking got old.

369
00:25:47,380 --> 00:25:50,675
He fucking walks like he's doing tai chi,
look all...

370
00:26:01,477 --> 00:26:05,064
Fuck. You know what?
Let's just fucking tell him he won.

371
00:26:07,108 --> 00:26:08,943
And he'll be happy at home, no?

372
00:26:10,820 --> 00:26:14,490
Fuck, hey, listen,
this is the greatest country to live in,

373
00:26:14,573 --> 00:26:18,619
-no matter what.
-[cheering]

374
00:26:18,703 --> 00:26:22,665
And fucking Latinos belong in this country
just like anybody else.

375
00:26:22,748 --> 00:26:26,544
[cheering and whistling]

376
00:26:26,627 --> 00:26:29,171
Fucking trying
to get rid of us, motherfucker.

377
00:26:31,340 --> 00:26:33,801
Most of us haven't even
fucking been to Mexico.

378
00:26:37,305 --> 00:26:40,016
If you sent us to Mexico,
we'd be like, "Fuck!

379
00:26:41,350 --> 00:26:43,477
What the fuck, dude? This is it?"

380
00:26:45,771 --> 00:26:48,607
No fucking screens on the windows.

381
00:26:50,234 --> 00:26:53,654
Fucking salt in the Corona bottle, fuck.

382
00:26:53,738 --> 00:26:55,698
Fucking toothpicks in a fucking radish.

383
00:26:55,781 --> 00:26:58,743
What the fuck
am I supposed to do with this?

384
00:26:58,826 --> 00:27:02,330
Hey, I've been to Mexico.
Ain't no place for a Mexican.

385
00:27:04,457 --> 00:27:05,916
Fucking tell you that much.

386
00:27:10,546 --> 00:27:13,132
I went to Mexico and drank water
when I was ten.

387
00:27:18,095 --> 00:27:21,015
Como pendejo, I fucking...

388
00:27:21,098 --> 00:27:24,268
I should have seen everybody else's teeth
were all fucking brown.

389
00:27:26,520 --> 00:27:29,190
And you guys brush your teeth,
and you look like that?

390
00:27:30,941 --> 00:27:33,652
Fucking Mexico, chingado.

391
00:27:33,736 --> 00:27:36,572
And you know, we have accents,
and we never been to Mexico,

392
00:27:36,655 --> 00:27:38,866
but we have relatives in Mexico,

393
00:27:38,949 --> 00:27:42,453
so it's important
that we stay true to our culture,

394
00:27:44,163 --> 00:27:48,501
because the people that come
from other countries and come to America

395
00:27:48,584 --> 00:27:52,505
work way harder
than anybody who's born here.

396
00:27:52,588 --> 00:27:54,590
[cheering]

397
00:27:57,259 --> 00:28:00,554
You see a Chicano janitor,
that motherfucker, he's not even working.

398
00:28:07,269 --> 00:28:08,979
He sees the fucking boss.

399
00:28:13,359 --> 00:28:19,949
Yeah, all that shit that people have.
I think we had anxiety too, but...

400
00:28:22,576 --> 00:28:25,204
Fucking nervios,
what are they fucking nerves?

401
00:28:25,287 --> 00:28:28,040
They didn't have a name like "anxiety".

402
00:28:28,124 --> 00:28:31,043
But all of us are all fucking nervioso,
so they fucking...

403
00:28:31,127 --> 00:28:33,712
Instead of medicine or therapy,
they give you fucking water with sugar.

404
00:28:33,796 --> 00:28:35,089
"Here.

405
00:28:35,714 --> 00:28:37,383
You'll stop shaking right now."

406
00:28:39,510 --> 00:28:40,928
You're fucked up in the head.

407
00:28:42,179 --> 00:28:46,100
Now all the kids, they all have
fucking shit wrong with them.

408
00:28:46,183 --> 00:28:49,979
My grandmother would see a little two year
old kid with glasses in the market.

409
00:28:50,062 --> 00:28:51,856
My grandma would go, "George."

410
00:28:55,651 --> 00:28:57,278
Fucking faker, huh?

411
00:28:58,737 --> 00:29:01,282
He's fucking two years old.
He ain't seeing shit.

412
00:29:03,325 --> 00:29:08,122
I'll take his fucking glasses, and we'll
see if he can fucking see right now."

413
00:29:08,205 --> 00:29:12,126
Not us.
All the shit we had, we had.

414
00:29:12,209 --> 00:29:17,339
Now, now, you can test to see
if a baby has anything wrong with it.

415
00:29:18,340 --> 00:29:19,800
You know, before it's born.

416
00:29:20,801 --> 00:29:21,719
You go into the doctor.

417
00:29:21,802 --> 00:29:27,892
"Yes. We took the test, and we found
something that I think you should know."

418
00:29:27,975 --> 00:29:30,394
Both the parents holding hands, "Oh, God."

419
00:29:33,939 --> 00:29:35,483
"The baby is going to be left-handed.

420
00:29:40,154 --> 00:29:42,490
I'll leave you guys alone,
so you can think about it."

421
00:29:45,034 --> 00:29:47,620
Fucking us, fucking ear bent.

422
00:29:48,871 --> 00:29:51,207
One nostril fucking bigger than the other.

423
00:29:52,416 --> 00:29:55,085
Fucking eye.
One eye open, one eye closed.

424
00:29:56,420 --> 00:30:00,799
Nobody gives a fuck about you growing up,
and then one day, they see you.

425
00:30:04,845 --> 00:30:07,640
"Come here. Look at me.

426
00:30:10,601 --> 00:30:12,686
I never fucking noticed.

427
00:30:12,770 --> 00:30:14,271
[chuckles]

428
00:30:16,398 --> 00:30:20,736
Hey, he don't have fucking eyelids.

429
00:30:22,571 --> 00:30:25,199
You don't have eyelids?"
And the fucker...

430
00:30:28,452 --> 00:30:30,079
"You're like that all the time?

431
00:30:34,166 --> 00:30:36,293
I'm fucking...
It don't hurt?

432
00:30:37,586 --> 00:30:39,505
Alright, fucking go play. I don't know.

433
00:30:40,548 --> 00:30:42,883
He's already five! What I tell ya?
Ya está."

434
00:30:44,885 --> 00:30:50,474
All that bullshit that-- Now,
all the kids, a lot of them commit crimes

435
00:30:50,558 --> 00:30:55,396
like they shoot schools up,
and they shoot their fucking friends.

436
00:30:55,479 --> 00:30:58,065
All that bullshit,
and the parents, como pendejos,

437
00:30:58,148 --> 00:31:01,944
"I had no... We had no idea."

438
00:31:03,988 --> 00:31:06,782
Not our parents.
They'll fucking catch you before.

439
00:31:07,575 --> 00:31:10,411
They'll see you walking by,
"Hey, come over here.

440
00:31:11,829 --> 00:31:15,457
Look at me. Look at my face.

441
00:31:17,918 --> 00:31:19,920
I don't know what the fuck
you're planning."

442
00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:23,007
"I'm not going to do nothing."

443
00:31:23,090 --> 00:31:25,759
"That's right.
You're not going to fucking do nothing.

444
00:31:25,843 --> 00:31:30,055
You and your friend. Get, go outside.
Come over here. Look at me.

445
00:31:32,349 --> 00:31:33,267
Mira, cabrón,

446
00:31:34,768 --> 00:31:39,106
Whatever the fuck
you're planning on doing,

447
00:31:39,189 --> 00:31:43,027
I'm gonna tell you right now,
whatever you do,

448
00:31:43,110 --> 00:31:45,696
I'm going to fucking do ten times

449
00:31:47,239 --> 00:31:49,241
fucking worse to you.

450
00:31:50,868 --> 00:31:52,745
So go do it.

451
00:31:52,828 --> 00:31:55,039
Whatever the fuck you're going to do,
go do it.

452
00:31:55,122 --> 00:32:00,210
But know that when I see you,
I'm going to fuck you up ten times worse."

453
00:32:02,713 --> 00:32:03,881
Fucking kids.

454
00:32:11,597 --> 00:32:14,767
My grandmother would fucking
yell some wild shit at me.

455
00:32:16,393 --> 00:32:21,440
Like she would say,
"Don't leave cucarachas on my towel."

456
00:32:28,447 --> 00:32:29,281
"What?"

457
00:32:30,991 --> 00:32:35,788
"Don't leave cucarachas on my towel."

458
00:32:37,206 --> 00:32:41,043
I guess when you take a shower,
and you don't clean your ass all the way.

459
00:32:41,126 --> 00:32:42,836
[groans]

460
00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:46,006
And with the towel,
if you wipe your ass,

461
00:32:46,090 --> 00:32:48,133
it leaves like a little smudge like that.

462
00:32:50,969 --> 00:32:52,262
Cucarachas.

463
00:32:55,015 --> 00:32:56,684
I had no fucking idea.

464
00:32:57,810 --> 00:33:00,854
You know, sometimes you forget,
you put it in there inside.

465
00:33:00,938 --> 00:33:04,733
You're like, "Oh, fucking cucarachas."

466
00:33:06,360 --> 00:33:08,320
And then if you fucking get dressed
on the bed

467
00:33:08,404 --> 00:33:10,447
and you don't clean yourself out,
the fuck...

468
00:33:10,531 --> 00:33:12,991
"Fucking cucarachas on my fucking sheets.

469
00:33:13,992 --> 00:33:17,287
He left fucking cucarachas--
Three of them. He can't see."

470
00:33:19,665 --> 00:33:22,876
The shit they yell at you.
What the fuck?

471
00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:25,421
It's crazy.
All that shit that they yelled at us.

472
00:33:25,504 --> 00:33:30,551
And you know what? You'd think that
with weed being legal in California,

473
00:33:32,261 --> 00:33:35,305
you'd think that people would fucking
be fucking chill.

474
00:33:37,057 --> 00:33:38,642
Fucking drinking?
Let me tell you something.

475
00:33:38,726 --> 00:33:42,396
I drank a long time.
Drinking does no good.

476
00:33:42,479 --> 00:33:45,190
You fucking drive. You don't remember.

477
00:33:46,608 --> 00:33:50,320
You fucking hit shit,
you fucking get pulled over.

478
00:33:50,404 --> 00:33:52,990
Fucking leave your driveway in the middle
of the night with no headlights on,

479
00:33:53,073 --> 00:33:55,784
and people are fucking flashing you,
it's like...

480
00:33:57,661 --> 00:34:00,664
All todo baboso, you fucking hear...
[imitates road bumps]

481
00:34:02,624 --> 00:34:03,667
"Fuck."

482
00:34:04,710 --> 00:34:07,629
But with weed, yeah, fuck it. Fuck...

483
00:34:07,713 --> 00:34:09,840
You're just behind the wheel.

484
00:34:16,638 --> 00:34:17,806
"I think we're here.

485
00:34:20,184 --> 00:34:23,270
Okay. We're here, ¿que no? Wow.

486
00:34:23,353 --> 00:34:24,646
That was fast.

487
00:34:26,315 --> 00:34:28,692
We got here fast, fuck."

488
00:34:28,775 --> 00:34:31,235
You drive when you're high,
you don't even need to be fucking moving.

489
00:34:31,320 --> 00:34:35,157
You fucking just all make the noises
like you're in a car. [imitates car]

490
00:34:38,659 --> 00:34:40,120
"Wait for me."
"Alright, get in."

491
00:34:40,204 --> 00:34:41,621
[imitates car]

492
00:34:42,623 --> 00:34:47,043
Fucking weed is the shit.
We knew. We knew it.

493
00:34:47,127 --> 00:34:49,254
[cheers]

494
00:34:49,338 --> 00:34:50,380
We knew it forever.

495
00:34:50,464 --> 00:34:54,051
All our grandmothers had weed that
they would put in the alcohol bottle.

496
00:34:55,636 --> 00:34:58,263
All of them.
They used it for their pains that...

497
00:35:04,520 --> 00:35:05,979
They were all fucking high.

498
00:35:07,731 --> 00:35:09,817
"Jorge." "¿Qué?"
[in Spanish] "Bring me some...

499
00:35:11,276 --> 00:35:13,904
Can you go to King Taco
and bring me about 25?"

500
00:35:17,616 --> 00:35:19,785
[in English] "And water?
I don't want to drink soda."

501
00:35:21,328 --> 00:35:25,374
Weed is the shit,
it takes care of your anxiety.

502
00:35:25,457 --> 00:35:28,210
It takes care of your pains
when you get older,

503
00:35:28,293 --> 00:35:31,255
and it's just good to be fucked up.

504
00:35:34,716 --> 00:35:37,386
But it's weed.
It's weed that can help you study.

505
00:35:37,469 --> 00:35:39,388
I can't believe that.

506
00:35:39,471 --> 00:35:44,518
Because the shit that we smoked
made you all todo pendejo.

507
00:35:44,601 --> 00:35:45,519
"George!"

508
00:35:53,652 --> 00:35:55,070
Now it makes you smart.

509
00:35:56,071 --> 00:35:57,948
Look... before, us, todos pendejos.

510
00:35:58,031 --> 00:36:01,368
You know, in school,
nobody knew the fucking test.

511
00:36:01,451 --> 00:36:02,703
"I don't know.

512
00:36:04,538 --> 00:36:08,417
I thought fucking SAT was Saturday,
fuck, eh.

513
00:36:08,500 --> 00:36:10,127
They're going to make us come Saturday?"

514
00:36:15,132 --> 00:36:20,345
So there was a dude in Florida
that had the list of 100 people

515
00:36:20,429 --> 00:36:23,473
that he wanted to kill, like blow up.

516
00:36:23,557 --> 00:36:27,227
He would send pipe bombs
to the people on this list.

517
00:36:27,311 --> 00:36:28,645
And guess who was on the list?

518
00:36:30,647 --> 00:36:33,775
[cheers]

519
00:36:36,403 --> 00:36:38,405
Only a fucking Chicano would be happy.

520
00:36:39,823 --> 00:36:43,035
"They want to blow you up."
"Fuck yeah, huh.

521
00:36:43,118 --> 00:36:46,455
Who else? Anybody else that's Latino? No?"

522
00:36:46,538 --> 00:36:51,084
So the FBI
and all the police departments,

523
00:36:51,168 --> 00:36:55,714
they got me on the phone,
and they said there's a guy in Florida

524
00:36:55,797 --> 00:36:58,133
who has a list of 100 people.

525
00:36:58,216 --> 00:37:01,720
Your name is on the list,
and he might be sending you a pipe bomb.

526
00:37:01,803 --> 00:37:03,639
There could be a pipe bomb in the mail.

527
00:37:03,722 --> 00:37:08,727
So the only thing they told me
is don't open any suspicious packages.

528
00:37:10,312 --> 00:37:12,356
And then they all hung up.
"Wait a minute!"

529
00:37:16,109 --> 00:37:19,488
But you know... fucking raza, you know.

530
00:37:19,571 --> 00:37:22,157
Sometimes, when they drop
food off at your house,

531
00:37:24,159 --> 00:37:28,455
unos tamales, you know,
a dozen tamales in foil,

532
00:37:31,124 --> 00:37:32,751
could be C-4.

533
00:37:34,419 --> 00:37:36,797
Could be dynamite,

534
00:37:36,880 --> 00:37:39,883
could be some bomb ass
green chicken tamales.

535
00:37:41,385 --> 00:37:43,804
You can't throw that shit away.
You'll get killed.

536
00:37:45,472 --> 00:37:49,559
They might be in a container of
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

537
00:37:51,144 --> 00:37:54,022
And you're looking at it. "Fuck!

538
00:37:55,107 --> 00:37:59,277
That could be a fucking bomb,
or fideo.

539
00:38:02,990 --> 00:38:05,325
I'm gonna fucking take the chance.
Fuck it."

540
00:38:06,868 --> 00:38:08,620
Come on, your tía
found out you threw that shit away,

541
00:38:08,704 --> 00:38:10,706
"I'm gonna fucking kill you next time."

542
00:38:11,415 --> 00:38:14,251
But you know,
nobody understands our culture.

543
00:38:15,210 --> 00:38:17,295
You know, it's very different
to be Latino, I think,

544
00:38:17,379 --> 00:38:21,299
because women are very jealous.
Men are jealous.

545
00:38:21,383 --> 00:38:25,095
And I'll tell you,
I think because we believe different shit,

546
00:38:25,178 --> 00:38:31,393
like we believe that in Mexico,
there's a statue in Mexico City

547
00:38:31,893 --> 00:38:38,567
that the Virgen de Guadalupe, cries
tears of blood, like we believe that.

548
00:38:39,943 --> 00:38:44,740
But we won't believe that you
and the girl from work are friends.

549
00:38:52,289 --> 00:38:56,043
The statue, yes. The girl, fuck you. I...

550
00:38:57,586 --> 00:38:59,546
"I saw you."

551
00:39:00,130 --> 00:39:02,466
"You saw me?"
"I saw you fucking her."

552
00:39:04,176 --> 00:39:06,219
"Where?"
"In a fucking tortilla."

553
00:39:10,390 --> 00:39:16,313
So we need to be more--
We need to be more cool, you know?

554
00:39:17,856 --> 00:39:21,151
I've only been married once.

555
00:39:21,234 --> 00:39:23,987
And somebody asked me,

556
00:39:25,572 --> 00:39:27,824
did I ever think I would be married again?

557
00:39:27,908 --> 00:39:31,161
And I said,
"I would rather fucking burn up

558
00:39:33,497 --> 00:39:35,499
with all my friends watching."

559
00:39:37,417 --> 00:39:40,170
And then the person said,
"You could have just fucking said no."

560
00:39:43,548 --> 00:39:44,716
"All right, no."

561
00:39:46,718 --> 00:39:49,513
Because when you're married,
it's tough to be married, you know?

562
00:39:49,596 --> 00:39:50,931
And then the longer you're married,

563
00:39:51,014 --> 00:39:54,017
you still have to make love,
it's an obligation.

564
00:39:56,061 --> 00:39:59,189
I mean, you're married, but guys,

565
00:39:59,272 --> 00:40:01,566
sometimes, you know,
and they tell you a week ahead.

566
00:40:01,650 --> 00:40:03,443
"Next Wednesday."
"Fuck!"

567
00:40:05,237 --> 00:40:07,489
So one time I took a Viagra

568
00:40:10,367 --> 00:40:12,911
to get ready,
and then we got in a fight.

569
00:40:15,997 --> 00:40:17,666
And there I was fighting.

570
00:40:19,543 --> 00:40:20,919
"Well, fucking take off then!

571
00:40:24,714 --> 00:40:26,800
Call the fucking police.
I don't care, I'm right here."

572
00:40:28,343 --> 00:40:30,887
I said, "I'm not talking to you anymore."
I sat down, my dick...

573
00:40:35,517 --> 00:40:37,936
I sat down,
my dick was coming out the back.

574
00:40:43,775 --> 00:40:47,195
So be careful, because they even
do things like in marriage counseling,

575
00:40:47,279 --> 00:40:53,034
they tell you, go back to the beginning,
like where you guys met.

576
00:40:53,118 --> 00:40:57,497
Like take two cars
and then go back to where you met,

577
00:40:57,581 --> 00:40:59,541
and then go into the bar,

578
00:40:59,624 --> 00:41:02,419
and then be like,
you don't know each other.

579
00:41:02,502 --> 00:41:06,173
Then walk over and just say like,
"Hey, can I buy you a drink?"

580
00:41:06,256 --> 00:41:08,383
And then you just start talking,
"What's your name?

581
00:41:09,426 --> 00:41:13,180
You know, where are you from?"
Like you try to rekindle the romance.

582
00:41:14,556 --> 00:41:15,891
Fuck, I didn't show up.

583
00:41:18,101 --> 00:41:19,394
Fuck that.

584
00:41:21,813 --> 00:41:24,608
I said, "I fucked it up once.
I'm not going to fuck it up twice.

585
00:41:26,026 --> 00:41:27,027
Bullshit."

586
00:41:28,236 --> 00:41:33,867
In my life, all the people that have
influence on me have all been Latinas.

587
00:41:33,950 --> 00:41:38,079
I don't think that we give enough credit
to the women

588
00:41:38,163 --> 00:41:40,832
in our families for what they do
when the men aren't around.

589
00:41:40,916 --> 00:41:43,835
[cheering]

590
00:41:46,254 --> 00:41:48,048
But if you marry a Latina,

591
00:41:49,633 --> 00:41:52,552
you won't get the life you want.

592
00:41:54,679 --> 00:41:57,265
You'll get the life you deserve.

593
00:41:59,267 --> 00:42:02,312
[cheering]

594
00:42:05,857 --> 00:42:08,026
They got you.
Don't worry about it.

595
00:42:08,109 --> 00:42:10,820
At my age, any woman's going to
fucking raise her voice to me,

596
00:42:10,904 --> 00:42:13,281
she's going to be
a fucking nurse or a doctor.

597
00:42:14,324 --> 00:42:17,786
Breathe! [imitates hit]

598
00:42:17,869 --> 00:42:23,583
I mean, think about it.
The richest man in the world, Jeff Bezos,

599
00:42:23,667 --> 00:42:28,880
owns Amazon,
is engaged to a Latina.

600
00:42:28,964 --> 00:42:31,633
[cheers]

601
00:42:31,716 --> 00:42:37,305
With kids from two, three other guys.

602
00:42:43,937 --> 00:42:45,563
He owns Amazon.

603
00:42:47,565 --> 00:42:50,402
You can find anything on Amazon.

604
00:42:56,199 --> 00:42:58,159
You can't find a Latina with no kids.

605
00:43:02,289 --> 00:43:07,294
I'm just saying, he owns Amazon,
[in Spanish] but the guy's Wayfair.

606
00:43:08,837 --> 00:43:11,715
[in English] He's shopping at Wayfair.
[high-pitched] Wayfair.

607
00:43:12,757 --> 00:43:14,843
Picked a woman with kids already.

608
00:43:16,177 --> 00:43:18,680
That's-- That's impressive.

609
00:43:18,763 --> 00:43:21,474
That's the power of the-- Pussy's pussy.

610
00:43:21,558 --> 00:43:27,397
But panocha is on another level.

611
00:43:28,690 --> 00:43:30,650
This motherfucker makes rockets.

612
00:43:30,734 --> 00:43:35,363
He'd rather be with a Latina
than be in outer space fucking around.

613
00:43:35,447 --> 00:43:36,948
A Latina.

614
00:43:37,032 --> 00:43:39,492
If you hear him,
"Be careful getting on the yacht, mijo.

615
00:43:39,576 --> 00:43:41,661
[in Spanish]
Come here, cabrón."

616
00:43:41,745 --> 00:43:44,164
[in English]
The richest man in the world with a Latina

617
00:43:44,247 --> 00:43:47,208
and you see her fucking walking in front.
He's just walking in the back.

618
00:43:49,753 --> 00:43:53,423
If you're a stepfather, God bless you.

619
00:43:54,257 --> 00:43:57,344
It's the hardest thing to be
is a stepfather.

620
00:43:58,219 --> 00:44:00,013
They fucking got you too, huh?

621
00:44:03,808 --> 00:44:08,563
It's a crazy thing
to be able to take over

622
00:44:08,646 --> 00:44:10,815
the obligations that the father had.

623
00:44:10,899 --> 00:44:13,943
But you take on the obligation
of those children,

624
00:44:14,027 --> 00:44:18,490
and raise those children as yours.
That's beautiful. That's beautiful.

625
00:44:18,573 --> 00:44:19,657
[applause]

626
00:44:19,741 --> 00:44:20,950
Everybody's like...

627
00:44:23,745 --> 00:44:25,747
There's a special place in heaven

628
00:44:26,998 --> 00:44:27,957
for you.

629
00:44:28,875 --> 00:44:30,835
In the fucking pendejo section over there.

630
00:44:35,715 --> 00:44:38,051
"Go stand over there next to Ben Affleck."

631
00:44:41,763 --> 00:44:43,932
Fucking pinche Ben Affleck.
You seen him?

632
00:44:45,225 --> 00:44:47,394
Fucking yelling at the sky, "Bro!"

633
00:44:49,104 --> 00:44:52,357
Fucking slamming the fucking door.

634
00:44:52,440 --> 00:44:55,276
One day he has the fucking ring on,
one day he doesn't.

635
00:44:56,403 --> 00:44:59,406
That's the price, you want some
fucking nalgas, that's the price.

636
00:45:00,323 --> 00:45:03,326
You want a girl with a big culo?
That's it.

637
00:45:03,410 --> 00:45:06,788
Oh, she's already taking selfies
for the next guy. "Next!"

638
00:45:08,206 --> 00:45:09,624
Fuck you.
I'm not going over there.

639
00:45:09,707 --> 00:45:14,087
Mejor, no, I'll stay right here.
That's the power of the panocha.

640
00:45:17,841 --> 00:45:19,592
You know what I just remembered?

641
00:45:21,386 --> 00:45:23,263
This special's for Amazon.

642
00:45:33,648 --> 00:45:35,150
"Who wants to talk to me?

643
00:45:36,860 --> 00:45:38,361
Bezos' fiancée?

644
00:45:40,029 --> 00:45:42,031
Señora, I'm sorry."

645
00:45:43,533 --> 00:45:45,577
But I miss my grandmother.

646
00:45:45,660 --> 00:45:49,205
You know, my grandmother had,
and a lot of Latinos have it,

647
00:45:49,289 --> 00:45:51,374
she had dementia.

648
00:45:53,877 --> 00:45:56,754
At least I thought-- We never took her
to the doctor. I think.

649
00:46:00,467 --> 00:46:04,095
One time I went to the house,
and I said, "Grandma, it's me."

650
00:46:04,179 --> 00:46:06,097
And she's like, "Who's me?"

651
00:46:06,181 --> 00:46:10,602
I said, "It's me, Georgie."

652
00:46:10,685 --> 00:46:12,979
"I don't know a Georgie."

653
00:46:13,062 --> 00:46:15,607
"It's me." Then you start to go
over your nicknames. Cagón.

654
00:46:18,234 --> 00:46:19,736
Fucking meados.

655
00:46:21,029 --> 00:46:23,281
She said, "I don't know a fucking meón."

656
00:46:24,824 --> 00:46:27,702
And I was like, "Fuck, my grandmother
fucking doesn't remember me."

657
00:46:28,328 --> 00:46:30,038
And then we both looked at her,
and she went,

658
00:46:30,121 --> 00:46:32,248
"No te creas, cabrón. Get in here."

659
00:46:32,332 --> 00:46:34,042
"I got you, huh, fucker?

660
00:46:34,792 --> 00:46:35,710
You're not even crying.

661
00:46:35,793 --> 00:46:38,546
When I die for real, you better
be fucking crying. Get in here."

662
00:46:40,882 --> 00:46:43,218
You know,
I make my grandmother out to be mean,

663
00:46:43,301 --> 00:46:45,553
because she never told me she loved me.

664
00:46:45,637 --> 00:46:48,264
But, you know,
she never fucking said hello either.

665
00:46:48,348 --> 00:46:49,682
I don't know.

666
00:46:51,518 --> 00:46:55,522
So I appreciate you guys coming
to watch me do this thing here for a...

667
00:47:00,860 --> 00:47:03,404
No, no. This is--
I've been doing stand up a long time.

668
00:47:03,488 --> 00:47:08,785
I've been doing stand up since 1979.

669
00:47:08,868 --> 00:47:12,413
[cheers]

670
00:47:12,497 --> 00:47:14,749
It's a long time.

671
00:47:14,832 --> 00:47:16,584
And in that time, I've done some--

672
00:47:16,668 --> 00:47:19,337
I've been fortunate enough to be able
to have some really nice things happen.

673
00:47:19,420 --> 00:47:22,799
You know,
I got my star in the Walk of Fame.

674
00:47:22,882 --> 00:47:24,884
[cheers]

675
00:47:27,929 --> 00:47:31,432
I got a wax figure at Madame Tussaud's.

676
00:47:31,516 --> 00:47:34,811
[cheers]

677
00:47:34,894 --> 00:47:40,024
That wax figure is 50 years old,
and I'm 63.

678
00:47:42,068 --> 00:47:43,236
I went in there and took a picture.

679
00:47:43,319 --> 00:47:46,823
It looks like a dude that's trying to lead
a little boy away from the market.

680
00:47:50,618 --> 00:47:54,706
They even told the wax figure,
"You all right? The fuck..."

681
00:47:54,789 --> 00:48:01,546
I had my own show in 2002, first time
a Latino show syndicated, George Lopez.

682
00:48:05,758 --> 00:48:08,928
I have another show right now.
Lopez vs Lopez.

683
00:48:09,012 --> 00:48:10,847
And that one
I get to do with my daughter, Mayan.

684
00:48:10,930 --> 00:48:12,724
So it's really the best thing, that's...

685
00:48:16,352 --> 00:48:18,646
This is the last special I'm going to do.

686
00:48:18,730 --> 00:48:22,066
So thank you guys
for coming to see me, and...

687
00:48:36,414 --> 00:48:40,877
And when you get older, they ask you
how you want to be remembered.

688
00:48:40,960 --> 00:48:42,670
And I told them, like this.

689
00:48:50,011 --> 00:48:53,473
Thank you guys very much.
I love you. ¡Muchísimas gracias!

690
00:48:53,556 --> 00:48:57,101
Thank you for coming to the show,
everybody! ¡Viva la raza!

691
00:48:57,185 --> 00:49:00,104
["Low Rider" by WAR playing]