Downloaded from YTS.MX
(somber music)
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
(somber music continues)
[Hector] I lost my innocence there.
You're 18, 19, 20 years old.
You don't know life yet, and here you are experiencing war.
And I call my dad, and I say,
"Dad, you guys are gonna see some things on the news.
It's gonna say that a car bomb hit this camp.
Just tell mom that. It had nothing to do with me.
It had nothing to do with here, different unit.
But dad, like I was there, it sucked.
Like, I don't wanna be here anymore."
And I could hear his voice crack.
And I'm like, "just don't tell mom like it was here, man.
Like, fuck."
And then I kind of like caught myself
like kinda shedding a tear and kind of trying to wipe it off
so nobody else could see me in there.
You know, trying to play tough guy.
And then just back at it again, right,
back at it for another round.
(somber music continues)
Oh man, I've seen too much.
I've seen too much. I gotta get help when I get back.
(soldiers screaming)
What does this mean, right? Am I gonna be screwed up?
Like, what does this mean?
(soldiers screaming)
And I remember that shocked me,
Like this is a Sergeant First Class, like saying that like.
(somber music continues)
I'm asleep.
They wake me up, "Hey wake up, get dressed.
Get your shit on, we just got incoming."
(soldiers screaming)
I found that to be weird
'cause I didn't even hear the incoming,
not even one round or anything like that.
So we started getting dressed,
putting on our Kevlar flak jacket and,
we were gonna go to the point of origin, the POO.
To the chow hall, sir.
(soldiers laughing)
(soldiers chattering and laughing)
I wanna go to the chow hall, sir!
[Soldier] Let's go, let's go!
(somber music continues)
We were out on patrol. MSR Tampa.
MSR Tampa is a main route
that goes from Kuwait all the way up to northern Iraq.
Main supply route.
[Soldier] Just over here, left.
Left, stop. Stop.
Keep going.
- This was January, so as I pull up, of course I'm scared.
they would do secondary IEDs,
secondary VBIEDs, secondary ambushes.
Like, these insurgents had caught on.
Like, hey, let's hit 'em with something.
Then when they're out there snooping around,
let's hit 'em again.
(children yelling)
(somber music continues)
(children yelling)
(somber music continues)
I didn't want to get out of the Humvee
'cause all I could see was pieces of meat,
pieces of charred meat all over the floor.
It was like gravel.
It was like, for like a 50 meter radius
there was just pieces, chunks everywhere.
Chunks, chunks, chunks of people.
And I didn't want to get out.
To me that felt like a nightmare.
It felt like an actual nightmare that was true,
that was in real life and I couldn't wake up from it.
And I didn't want to get out of the Humvee.
I just figured I don't wanna get my boots dirty,
I don't want to get involved in this, but I'm a grunt.
It's like, I gotta do this shit, like.
And then Sergeant Dean's like, "Hey, get the fuck out
and start picking pieces up."
(somber music)
(somber music continues)
But like I said, we were 18, 19, I turned 20 there.
That's a kid, man. That's a frickin' kid faced with war.
(somber music continues)
Most people's concept or grasp of war
is from a movie, a film, Hollywood, right?
When you're there, you smell the smells,
you hear the sounds, you see the blood, the brains,
the guts, the chunks of pieces of meat, you know,
the shit becomes fucking real.
(somber music continues)
(engine rumbling)
(somber music continues)
(soldiers shouting)
(somber music continues)
You could see the crater where the SUV blew itself up.
There was a charred upper torso, like this.
Sticking outta the ground.
There was no face.
It was a hole where the face is supposed to be.
The whole thing's charred.
(somber music continues)
And the other Iraqis, there was another bus load
full of their friends, the Iraqi national guards
that had just pulled up and they were already
starting to pick up the pieces.
They pick up this torso and they move it like this
and I just saw all kinds of red slush come out
into the ground and I'm like, "Oh shit."
And since it was cold outside, everything is just steaming.
All the pieces are just steaming.
There we are picking up pieces of meat,
Kevlars, helmets that were exploded this way.
You had boots with feet still in it.
You had gloves, you had parts, pieces, body, brain,
guts, blood everywhere.
You had Iraqis crying, screaming,
shooting their AKs in the sky, it was pure chaos.
Iraqi national guard pulling cars over,
pulling civilians out
and beating the out shit of 'em just 'cause,
they were taking out their anger.
And it just began just getting pieces
and putting 'em in the back of a truck, getting pieces.
There was not one complete person.
There was not one full body.
There was not that.
It was just carnage.
(soft music)
There I am at my house in Brawley with all my friends, man,
I got a frickin' lump in my throat, dude.
Like, I don't want to cry, and I just leave walking,
my sister's bawling, my mom is bawling,
my friends are looking at me like, ah, look at this kid.
Right?
So being that I was 17,
I had to have my parents' permission slip, right?
I had 'em sign the waiver 'cause I was underage
and my parents kept trying to talk me out of it.
My dad kept telling me, "Hector, go to college.
Well, I'll pay for your college."
It was almost pleading, "I'll pay for your college."
I'm like, "Hey dad, why would I go to college
when I frickin' hate high school?"
Like? (chuckles)
And he is like, you know,
maybe they saw how much I wanted it or how much I needed it.
And yeah, ultimately they signed the waiver.
My sister who's three years younger than me
and has been my biggest cheerleader from the start
was all, all on board.
The recruiter takes me away.
Boom. San Diego.
Padre Trail Inn.
That was this little hotel in Old Town
that they would take you there
the night before you ship out.
And I remember, dude, like I used that.
There was a payphone at a Mexican restaurant outside
and I called my girlfriend at the time
and that's when I felt it.
(soft music)
I had hickeys on my neck, I had a shaved head.
I go and I have somebody buy me some cigarettes
'cause I'm not old enough but I did smoke at that time
and it's like, that was your boy right there.
Like fuckin', (chuckles) young and dumb, dude.
Just fuckin' ready to take on the world, so I thought.
(soft music continues)
[Soldiers] I am the Infantry.
I am my country's strength in war, her deterrent in peace.
I am the heart of the fight, wherever, whenever.
I carry America's faith and honor against her enemies.
I am the Queen of Battle.
I am what my country expects me to be,
the best trained Soldier in the world.
In the race for victory,
I am swift, determined, and courageous,
armed with a fierce will to win.
Never will I fail my country's trust.
Always I fight on, through the foe,
to the objective, to triumph overall.
If necessary, I will fight to my death.
By my steadfast courage,
I have won more than 200 years of freedom.
I yield not to weakness, to hunger,
to cowardice, to fatigue, to superior odds,
for I am mentally tough, physically strong,
and morally straight.
I forsake not, my country, my mission,
my comrades, my sacred duty.
I am relentless.
I am always there, now and forever.
I am the infantry! Follow me!
- The bayonet is a 25-mile road march,
that was the last test.
So you're out in the field for a week
doing these little tasks and trainings
and challenges and obstacles and then you finish it off
with a 25-mile road march in like 24 hours,
with your rucksack, your weapon.
Yeah, your feet are hurting afterward, your back's hurting,
and this is what I recall.
It was nighttime.
There was torches on the side, there was signs,
it said World War II, Korean War.
Vietnam, Gulf War, at each torch.
And then there was a blank sign at the last torch.
And our drill sergeant said, you see that?
That's your guys' war. You guys are gonna be there shortly.
(soft music)
(soft music continues)
I fuckin' made it.
Like, damn, all this training,
all this like hard work,
dedication that I put into this shit.
Like, I'm a fuckin' foot soldier.
I'm a fuckin' grunt.
Tip of the fuckin spear.
Like, when America goes to war, we're it,
we're gonna keep the fuckin' wolf away from the door.
(soft music)
It was one thing for me to go
from San Diego to Fort Benning.
That was sad, right? Homesick.
When I went to Germany, oh my goodness, man, my dad,
the look on my dad's face,
it was like he was devastated, bro.
And it's like, the little son, man, is gone.
Gone, right, overseas.
I was 18 and Iraq was brewing, to say the least.
That made me feel like, oh my God, what have I done?
As a matter of fact, when I touched down in Germany,
December 8th, 2002, you find out what unit you're going to
and then you go, they bused us into a classroom
on Ledward Barracks in Schweinfurt, Germany.
And the soldier up there said,
"If you guys are going to 1/18 infantry or 1/26 infantry,
you're going to Iraq."
And everybody just put their head down.
Like, (sighs) this is real.
Like yeah, this is what we were begging for.
But to actually hear him say, "Hey, it's go time,
like, you're gonna be going," was like, fuck, right.
Again, the human emotions, you're gonna be,
it's the fear of the unknown.
How am I gonna react?
Am I gonna perform as expected?
I hope I don't let my brothers down, right?
'cause to let your brothers down would mean
lives are gonna get lost.
(soft music)
(soft music continues)
(train conductor speaking in foreign language)
♪ And I saw you again and again and again ♪
- [Hector] My friend Jeffrey King from Philadelphia.
Hill's side of the room, Texas flag.
Nonsense.
Al Pacino.
California, of course.
This is my roommate Hill, Richard, from Texas.
Oh yeah, captured Saddam Hussein today. (chuckles)
Pretty cool.
We got Big G, Michael Garcia from Arizona.
Brandon Winkel from Chicago.
Chi Town.
- [Hector] Maldanado, Alex, from Puerto Rico.
- What up? - Corporal Luga.
Specialist Garcia over here.
[Hector] Hey, Cruz.
From Cali.
Before you get on the plane.
[Hector] Josh Soto from Cali.
Clayton Weeks.
From Texas. (chuckles)
Make sure I got everything ready for Iraq.
Already started but here's all my DCUs
and it is snowing outside.
Or started to snow.
(shower running)
- [Soldier] Hey! Agh! Ferrel, I'm gonna kick your ass, man.
I'm gonna kick your ass.
Classic. (chuckles)
Good shit.
Richard. Yeah.
(soldiers laughing)
(upbeat rock music)
(calm music)
(calm music continues)
Maldo, what are we doing right now?
I guess we are pulling guard.
I'm not really sure.
- On top of a roof. - On top of a roof.
- [Hector] Here's a view of where we're pulling guard.
Pretty weak.
And right beside us,
we have a Haji neighborhood. (laughs)
Neighborhood in the middle of fuckin' FOB, we don't know.
(radio chattering)
But this is what we do for four hours, for 24 hours.
Four hours on, four hours off.
Sit and pull guard.
Fun, fun time.
[Maldanado] Yep, all the fun.
- [Radio] Roger, tell 'em to get no gas today.
So when we get to FOB Paliwoda,
4th Infantry Division, the guys from 4th ID were there.
These guys were salty, uniforms looking like shit,
tattered, fuckin' sunburned.
These guys had been in country for like 15 months, right?
They did the invasion
and then they hung around a little longer
than they anticipated.
They were ready to go home, right.
We showed up all fresh, 1st Infantry Division, Big Red One.
So we had to do those left seat, right seat rides
where we would go out on patrol with 'em,
they would show us the surrounding area.
And the first patrol that I went out with him,
I remember there was a, he was like a E-6, Staff Sergeant.
He looked like the lead singer from Newfound Glory.
And he's like, "Hey, just be aware
that when you shoot these guys with your M-16,
the bullets are gonna go right through 'em," right?
The velocity's so fast, when you're inside the house.
And I'm like, "The hell?"
And yeah, these guys had been fucking killing people.
And I remember like looking at this guy
like he was a god, right,
like a fuckin' all thing grunt God.
Because I'm like, damn, this motherfucker's doing it.
And he's telling us like, "Hey,
you're gonna have to shoot these dudes
four or five fuckin' times to put 'em down."
And I was like, all right.
So that was kind of the introduction
to like what we're getting ourselves into.
I mean I shot a dude one time, like I mentioned,
he was like at 250, 300 meters and he still kept running.
He still kept running.
And you want to talk about not being like the movies,
in the movies you shoot somebody
and they fuckin' fall over dead, right?
Unless you hit a dude in the head,
which we're taught to shoot center mass,
it's very discouraging to shoot at people or shoot people
and have them continuously fight
because some of them are hyped up on adrenaline,
actual adrenaline and or meth.
We were finding vials, we were finding syringes
where these dudes were getting hyped up on fuckin' dope.
And then in 2004 you had a lot of foreign fighters.
You had Jordanians coming to Iraq to fuckin' fight.
You had Syrians, you had like people from Africa coming.
No doubt people from Afghan,
like that was like a holy war to them.
Like hey, you want to come fuck up some Americans?
Come here.
So yeah, we were finding Chechnyans,
different shit, different documents, different passports.
Living on a FOB, we were on FOB Paliwoda,
Forward Operating Base Paliwoda.
The reason it got named that
was a month prior to us arriving, it was called FOB Eagle.
But there was a captain by the name of Paliwoda,
I believe he was in the 4th Infantry Division,
he was killed by indirect fire, I think it was rockets.
So therefore they named it after him.
So I want you to think of like a small area
where you can pretty much,
you know everybody that's on the FOB,
not too far of a walking distance
and you have your living quarters.
This happened to be a former Iraqi base
that the Americans had taken over.
This is our friend Zimmerman and he can sleep through anything.
Watch this alarm go off, he won't even wake up.
Watch this.
- Oh! - Oh!
(soldiers laughing and cheering)
(upbeat hip hop music)
So in 2004, Operation Iraqi Freedom II,
that was the beginning of the insurgency.
Up-armored anything was very slim to none, irrelevant.
You know, I remember in Kuwait being on a detail
of filling up 7,000 sandbags in 24 hours.
And that sucked, bro.
And they were gonna use the sandbags for the floorboards
of the Humvees as as armor.
And what a routine patrol would look like
would be four vehicles going out every time.
One would be an up-armored Humvee,
the other one was a frickin' supply Humvee
that I drove, Bravo 2-4, and that was an IED magnet.
I think that thing ended up getting hit directly
probably by like 12, 13 IEDs.
Where we built, or my sergeant built stencils
and we were putting stencils.
I even got a picture of it.
After every time it got hit,
like we would just bring it back and.
Yeah, the windows would be blown out,
the tires would be fuckin' flat.
M-113, an armored personnel carrier like Vietnam era.
A tracked vehicle.
And then I think the other one
was another up-armored Humvee.
Our biggest weapon system was a 240 Bravo 7.62.
So we would go out into sector, patrol.
I was in Balad, very agricultural.
It was like living out in the country, villages.
Dirt roads, canal roads.
Grape vines, orchards.
(calm music)
(Hector chuckles)
(birds chirping)
I took a picture of you already, man.
(footsteps thudding)
[Hector] When I deployed to Iraq, they pulled our platoon,
2nd Platoon, and attached us to a unit of tankers.
So they kind of did some Mickey Mouse Frankenstein unit
with one platoon of infantry, which was us,
one platoon of combat engineers, one platoon of tankers,
and a National Guard platoon from New York.
It's safe to say that they used and abused us,
us and the engineers, to do all the grunt work basically.
Patrol, convoys, raids, guarding PoWs.
Guarding on the FOB, the towers, the front gate.
Man, route clearance, QRF, Quick Reaction Force,
we were busy 24/7, 365.
We have just discovered an IED,
improvised explosive device, ahead of Checkpoint 10.
We are here with Jared Hinks, take it away.
- That's right, Ferrel, here in Balad, Iraq
on route Linda where two Hajis,
excuse me, indigenous personnel.
- Iraqi members. - Iraqis,
came to the front gate while we were leaving
and told us they knew where a bomb was.
- Back from a raid, caught us some fucking prisoners.
- Huh? - Going against you?
[Hector] No, I got myself.
That's little Nathan Maez after a raid.
We'll start off with a cousin, Doc.
- I saw some action today. - Edgar.
- No shots fired. - Our medic.
It's a goddamn shame.
- [Hector] The newest member of the fuckin' family.
- Who here? - Straight out of basic.
(soldiers laughing)
Scrolly as fuck, brand new BDUs.
Cherry, he got his cherry popped today.
(soldiers laughing)
- Here we got Apa. - Look at this.
So the movie "Platoon"
where Charlie Sheen is writing a letter
to I believe it's his grandma.
He's talking about his platoon mates and where they're from
and little small cities.
And to me it was exactly like that, man.
You got Garcia from Miami, Arizona, right?
You got Hinks from Duluth, Minnesota,
you got Hill from Amarillo, Texas,
you know, Winkel from Chicago,
you just got everywhere from all these places, bro.
And it's just like fuckin' put us all together,
become brothers.
(engine rumbling)
(engine continues rumbling)
Look who's recording us right now.
[Daclan] Yeah.
(engine continues rumbling)
[Daclan] It's a camera, it's recording.
Oh, it's video, you're recording.
- Yeah. - Well. Let me see.
I am Sergeant Saragosa,
Jedi Knight and protector of the Iraqi people.
Anyone who defies me, the sons of bitches, will fuckin' pay.
[Daclan] That's good shit.
(soldiers laughing)
- He's good. - Like fuckin' dogs.
[Child] Another now.
- [Soldier] Man, the guy in yellow's losing it.
[Sergeant] What are you throwin', man?
- Airheads. - Dude, gimme an Airhead!
(soldiers laughing)
I'm right here, your fuckin' sergeant.
(soldiers laughing) Bastard.
You're a bastard.
I wanted a fuckin' airhead, you know what, I'll go over
there and beat the shit outta those kids for it.
(soldiers laughing)
I'm here in Balad Iraq
on top of what we would call a mansion.
Probably the only one in Balad right now.
As you can see behind me,
this man has a beautiful view of the landscape around,
lots of green because it is nearing winter time.
Around this area, the insurgents,
AKA (speaking in foreign language), like to plant IEDs,
improvised explosive devices.
Where at one point in time, this young man here,
Nathan Maez, 19 years old, straight outta high school,
got blown up right over there by a roadside bomb.
Kind of where near that white car is.
(soldiers laughing)
Hold on folks, lemme take care of this.
(Hector imitates gun firing)
And that's pretty much it.
This is Dan Withers saying. (laughs)
Dan Withers saying, tschuss.
If it was during the day it would be,
kind of like a presence.
Like you go, you go to a village, you go to a house,
and then they tell you to come in, offer you chai,
which is like hot tea.
Meanwhile we're pulling security up on the rooftop.
We're taking a look around.
You know, you ask them, "you got a silah, silah?"
Silah is Weapon in Arabic, "Silah?"
"No silah, no silah, mister."
That's what they would say, right?
So we're still looking around, we fuckin' find an AK-47
and we're like, "Silah!"
They're like, "One silah, one silah."
It's like, hey, these motherfuckers, right?
It just agitates you, like, hey.
So the rule was they were allowed to have
one AK-47 per household for thieves or whatever.
Alibaba is what they call them.
"Alibaba, Alibaba. mister."
So there's a lot of interacting
with the the Iraqi nationals.
You got the kids, right?
So you learn things like jenta is trunk,
you know, you're doing traffic control checkpoints
where you're stopping vehicles and searching 'em
for insurgents, contraband, weapons and stuff like that,
and, "Jenta, open jenta."
[Soldier] Jenta.
- Jenta! - Okay. Okay.
[Soldier] Open the jenta.
(citizens speaking in foreign language)
[Soldier] Jenta.
- Jenta. - Yes, yes.
(driver speaking in foreign language)
I want to marry the women Americans
and live in America because I'm stuck in Iraq.
I want to go on America because there isn't the
freaky freak in Iraq, in America there is the freak.
Okay?
- And half the platoon would go out on patrol,
the other half of the platoon would stay back
doing weapons maintenance, vehicle maintenance.
Like I said, guard duty.
If you had time to go to the internet cafe,
back then in 2004 the internet cafe was a little office
or a little building a little room.
And there was probably about four computers
hooked up to like old school internet.
And then you were able to send old school emails out,
use the telephones, made sure you had a calling card.
It was never a dull moment considering
that we would get indirect fire daily.
Daily, for sure daily.
Some of it accurate, some of it not, you know,
the rounds would hit outside, inside the wire.
We also had our outgoing, which was our 120 millimeters,
11 Charlie Mortarmen, they had their mortar pit set up
right outside of our building, barracks.
So it was freaking loud like, boom, constant.
So we got to distinguish between incoming
and outgoing fires,
like there's certain distinctive sounds to it.
And right after we would receive incoming from the enemy,
the insurgents, our outgoing would run out
to the mortar pits and start fuckin' firing back.
So there would be like battles sometimes
of just ingoing and outgoing, just extremely fuckin' loud.
But you get used to it after a while.
(explosions booming)
(explosion booms)
Yo!
[Hector] Zimmerman.
Zimmerman.
- Yell loud, yeah. - Real loud? Real loud?
Zimmerman!
- Bro. - What?
(blows thudding)
[Soldier] Quit it.
- This is what a really good friend of mine
shot off in here accidentally,
almost got me killed, almost got the whole platoon killed.
- Zimmerman! - What?
[Hector] Hey, you alarm enough?
Thanks.
You feel the concussion.
For sure you feel the concussion,
the wave through your like chest, like.
Depending on how close you are to it, especially incoming,
and, dude, I remember we got caught.
Me, Maez, Garcia, and Deano, our sergeant,
were walking to the internet cafe
and in between us and there,
there was a Bradley from 1/26 Infantry
that the grunts there were working on.
And as we're walking, we hear like, (imitates explosion)
so right away we look, and it's like, fuck.
My best man, Garcia, he's like,
"Hey, don't worry, that's outgoing."
And we look, there was nothing outgoing about that.
There was no Paladin there,
which we had Paladins, 155 artillery,
and definitely no our mortar guys there, so it was incoming.
It's like, "Oh shit, run, motherfucker, run!"
That's what the 1/26 guys yell to us.
They get up, they scatter.
And I kid you not, dude, we're running
and it just started dropping on us like rain, dude.
(Hector imitating explosions booming)
- [Garcia] All right, PC Maez is about to describe
a rocket attack we went through a while back,
- About the rockets, I don't like to talk about 'em much
because it's just traumatizing, but anyway.
We were walking towards the internet,
towards the TOC at battalion.
And once we got to that Charlie Rock area,
their maintenance bay, we heard an explosion to our right
And Garcia said, "Outgoing."
I said, "No. Rockets."
(soldiers laughing)
Yeah, Garcia says "Paladin".
I was like, "There's no paladin."
- Yeah, I was like, wait, there's not a Paladin there.
Then I hear Charlie Rock maintenance crew,
- "Go, motherfucker, run, run!" - "Fuckin' run!"
So what did we do?
- We ran. - We fuckin' ran.
- Was there a bunker? No. - No there wasn't.
So we had to run for about 100, 150 meters
before we found a little overhead cover.
Boofy ass Haji concrete barriers.
Wouldn't have stopped anything.
But we survived it, luckily,
even though they were coming in on us like fuckin' rain.
The rounds would never stop.
And then on the run back we left Deano.
- We sorta left our team leader in the dust
because he's not up to par where PT's set.
(soldiers laughing)
If you're not ready to run,
you shouldn't be allowed to have fun and go to the internet.
(soldiers laughing)
Simple facts.
That's all I gotta say about that.
[Garcia] Thanks. Thanks.
Specialist Ferrel, You all right, man?
No comment.
(soldiers laughing)
It was scary.
- [Garcia] All right, I'll let you be, man.
- Huh? - I said I'll let you be.
Please. Let me gather my thoughts.
[Garcia] I know it hurts.
- [Maez] Lemme contemplate what could have happened.
- Because you could hear the rockets, it's like,
(imitates rockets whizzing) especially how close they are.
And the only thing we found was those concrete walls
that you'll see around the green zone in Baghdad
they put around perimeters of bases.
Those concrete walls,
but they were stacked on top of each other.
They were in a laying down position
and like four of us managed to just cram into a little hole.
And, dude, it was like. (imitates explosions booming)
So you can smell the black smoke, the gunpowder, the dust.
Could hear the whizzing of the rounds.
Definitely the explosions.
And we just started laughing, dude.
We just started laughing because there's nothing you can do.
You get to a point man, you get to a point where
you know there's nothing you can do,
you might as well have a good time with it
because, honestly, what difference is it gonna make?
Would you rather scare yourself to death or just go out?
Kind of like go out happy with it?
It stopped after a while.
We all picked up when it seemed like a good time,
like a lull in the fire, to go back.
And we went back and my boy Hinks from Minnesota was like,
"Damn, bro, did you guys get caught in that?"
We're like, "Yeah, dude, right in the middle."
"Was it scary?"
"100%, absolutely."
But my dad had given me some type of religious medallion
prior to deploying, which was random.
And I remember just clutching that thing
when the rounds were landing all around us.
We're here in Balad, Iraq again,
where I guess the driveby happened on this fuckin' car here.
Killed the driver definitely,
'cause his brains are hanging on his shoulder.
And I guess some other people were in the back
that got shot up, taken to the hospital.
I guess this is these people's relatives or whatever
and they're not too happy right now.
I guess it was a tribal war between two tribes
or some shit like that.
Anyways, just another day here in Balad,
we're almost outta here.
More brains for you.
- Oh, I gotta go down there. - Go down there with a camera.
(guns banging)
[Soldier] I don't see him.
(explosions booming)
(soldiers laughing)
[Soldier] All right.
(glass shattering)
(guns firing)
[Soldier] I don't see him.
(somber music)
- [Soldier] This here is high speed Second Squad
In the middle of what we would call a battle I guess.
(Rocket fires)
(somber music)
(somber music continues)
(soldiers shouting)
- [Soldier] Get out of here! Get out of here!
- Clear? - Yeah.
[Hector] House clear.
(interpreter speaking in foreign language)
(engine rumbling)
[Soldier] Let's go, bro, that easy.
[Hector] Look at Hill on the gun.
(citizens speaking in foreign language)
[Soldier] What's going on?
We are in downtown Balad on a regular patrol.
On the gun as usual.
(somber music)
Moo.
Look at that dirty fuckin' kid, and his brother.
All right, there's mother.
Don't mind the bullet hole in the glass.
Yep.
Hard at work.
(radio chattering)
Oh, look at the helicopter,
[Daclan] Hey did it record?
That's fucked up, dude. That was my best one too, man.
[Hector] There goes another one.
[Hinks] Say something, Dick.
We're in Balad right now, downtown.
We're not in downtown Balad right now.
- Dude, you're fuckin' stupid. - Huh?
On dangerous mission today?
Not dangerous at all.
- Very dangerous. - Dangerous mission today.
[Hector] That's scroll on the gun.
Always talkin' that shit.
My foot hurts really bad.
- We're gonna escort these fags to the hospital.
- Go go, show the fags. - Show the fags, dude.
- [Hector] Show the non-combatant motherfuckers.
Zoom in, zoom in.
[Wagner] I dunno how.
(soldiers laughing)
- I'm Luga. - Shut the fuck up, asshole.
- Hey. - I'll fuckin' kill you.
(soft music)
This is how we do it in the Humvees.
Smokin' Newports and shit, not giving a fuck.
I ain't dismounting for nothing,
'cause my foot's all fucked up.
I'm here for the hell of it, for shits and fuckin' giggles.
(soldiers laughing)
You gonna put that on a fuckin' documentary when I make it.
This is how we lived in Iraq. (chuckles)
I guess, damn.
I never really, really thought of this,
but I guess the first time that I fired my weapon in combat
was April 15th, 2004.
I was taking a shit in the latrines.
It was like a trailer, like the ones you see at a concert.
And we started getting incoming like rockets or mortars.
I remember thinking like, I'm gonna die on the shitter.
Right, you never want to die on the shitter.
And I remember thinking like, damn,
shrapnel's about to come through
like this aluminum fricking tin thingy.
So I like throw on my vest real quick, my helmet.
I don't even think I wiped my ass, and I take off running.
Outside of the door
and you got the maintenance bay right there.
This is on our FOB, FOB Paliwoda.
And we were QRF, Quick Reaction Force.
So it was our job to go to the point of origin, the POO,
that was tracked by a satellite
that would give us the exact coordinates
of where it came from,
it would track the trajectory of the round.
So we load up, we get in the Humvees.
We stop and set up a traffic control checkpoint
to try to find the mortarmen.
Well, we see a white truck coming in our direction,
they see us and they fuckin' haul ass and do a U-turn.
So it's like, "Hey, jump in, jump in, get in the vehicle.
There they are."
Man, we're chasing this fricking truck vehicle.
We go about 30 miles away from where we're supposed to be.
It's like we damn near ended up in Fallujah
from what I gather.
I was an E-3, E-4, so I really didn't like,
you know, I wasn't making any fuckin' decisions.
Just driving a Humvee at this time.
So we chase them.
Again, to some village right in front of a house.
They parked the truck, it was a white truck,
three males, military-age males jump out,
they run through a house.
Even though I was the driver of the Humvee,
something told me just get out and fuckin' chase 'em.
Right, so I jump out
and instead of us going through the house,
we went around the side.
And as I'm looking, Sergeant Hendrickson is over there
and he's handling one of the dudes,
one of the older guys, right?
It is him and he's handling him, we'll just say that.
So now you see two guys running, me, Hinks and Deano.
These dudes are fuckin' gaining on us.
Right, we didn't know if they had weapons on them,
they just fuckin' like, it was all bad.
Bad area, bad people.
That was the crazy thing about fuckin' Iraq is that,
you know, they didn't really wear uniforms.
So I asked my sergeant, "Can we shoot warning shots?
Can we shoot warning shots?"
So he's like, "Yeah." So it's like boom, boom, right?
Warning shots get fuckin' fired, dudes are still running.
I was like, man, these guys are really up to no good.
So I see one kind of turning,
kind of like turning to the left.
And then that's when I draw on him and just, boom, boom.
The dude was like 250 meters away, 300.
And when I seen he was running,
he skipped the ground with his hand.
I'm like, holy fuck. I shot him.
So he kept running.
I mean, they were a distance.
And when we come up to the guy,
there's a canal that's empty of water, but there's mud.
It's a very muddy canal.
And the dude is on his knees like this, soaked,
soaked in blood.
And I remember thinking in my head,
God, please let that be mud.
Please let that be mud, right?
I was hoping it would be mud from what he had just crossed.
And the dude was wearing sandals, which caught me off guard.
Like, how the hell did he keep his sandals on
through that mud?
Right, you would think it would've got stuck.
So we end up coming up, coming behind him.
And my sergeant yells, "Hey, you shot him, you search him."
So I just kicked him. Boom.
I kicked him in the back and he fuckin' falls forward.
And now he's in the prone position.
And I'm standing over him,
'cause they did teach us how to do EPW searches,
enemy prisoner of war searches, in case they have grenades,
which is one of the last stands
or one last-ditch efforts that they'll do
is they'll lay on top of a grenade
or just fuckin' pull the pin and just take everybody out.
So he's like, "You shot him, you search him."
So I go to search him and I put my hands on his back
and my fuckin' hands slipped.
He's wearing a man-dress,
and my hand slipped on the red, slick blood, dark ass blood.
And I fell on top of him and I'm like, "Ah!"
Right, I looked at my hands and I just remember thinking,
like, damn, I have blood on my hands, right,
like the figure of speech, I have blood on my hands.
So by then another sergeant came,
who he claimed to be a medic,
but he gets here and he starts panicking
'cause the dude's exit wound is here in his neck, right?
Again, I'd never seen a gunshot wound.
I had never shot anybody up until that point.
You know, this is like really happening.
So Sergeant Deano tells him, "Hey, patch him up.
You're supposed to be a fuckin' medic."
And he says, "Hey, let's go.
We still have to go and get the other guy."
Right, so it was me and then we were all regrouped.
Hendo, Deano, Hinks and me and I
and we're running, the other guy disappeared, man.
Holy shit, he ran into a fuckin' village.
It was a bad village, dude.
It was a really bad village.
I mean, you would think because you're in Iraq,
it's a hostile area of combat operations
like 24/7 everywhere.
Some fuckin' places are more sketchier than others
and just different things that give away.
Like the way people look at you in their eyes,
it's like the hate is radiating
from people's like body, souls.
And we were seeing a lot of that.
Pictures of Saddam Hussein up on people's walls.
That wasn't something we had necessarily encountered
in our area of operations.
I told you we had driven frickin' 30 minutes out of our AO.
And I remember clearing a house clearing it,
and there was an old lady in a wheelchair.
And as I come across the room, she just stares at me.
She's just in the wheelchair, like.
Doesn't say nothing to me, I don't say nothing to her.
It is almost like she's used to
people coming in her house with guns
and it's like just keep pushing, right?
Like, she's not a threat, keep pushing.
We start getting like the heebie-jeebies.
Like, Hey, we gotta get outta here.
We gotta get outta here, we've been here for too long.
We've been here for too long, we're in a bad area.
It's just a matter of time before they come down on us.
And so we start making our way back to the vehicle.
And you had the family members of that individual
that I shot were crying.
I mean, I assume they were their family members.
And then you had the dad,
which this is what I found extremely odd.
The dad walks up to me and I shake the dad's hand
and the dad shakes my hand.
So if there was a major event, which there were,
they would send the chaplain over to us
in our little makeshift barracks.
You know, initially it was just a big open bay,
then we somehow got some plywood and made cubicles,
two-man cubicles.
But we're learning this as it's happening.
The big army will send a chaplain over to us
and talk to us about what's going on.
Of course, we're not gonna openly, you know,
pour our heart and soul into this guy.
We don't even know him and we're not trying to look weak.
So at that time, right, I don't have that same mindset.
'Cause you gotta understand, bro,
weakness will get you killed.
You gotta be fuckin hard, stern.
I mean, you gotta be a killer
to survive and adapt in that environment.
You can get got at any time.
Like about five minutes ago,
the Humvee that I drive just got hit by an IED.
But the other squad was driving it.
Pretty fuckin' scary.
- [Soldier] Joe, why you ain't got no fuckin' grease
on his face, Specialist?
Dad's mad.
- It's PFC Roberts Zimmerman reporting from Balad, Iraq.
As you can see, the weather out there is fucking shitty.
Fucking electric lines and transformers
are blowing all over the place.
[Hector] Oh fuck.
- [Zimmerman] What is it, from the fuckin' sand?
It's probably from the sand.
[Weeks] A big ass piece of metal.
- Oh man, that's what this is, a piece of a shrapnel
from the bomb that went off right next to my vehicle today.
- A bomb? - Yeah man,
a roadside bomb fuckin' almost blew me up today.
A piece of the metal. Check it out.
Check out this little piece.
[Weeks] Good shit, huh?
That's a big piece of fuckin' metal.
Yep.
12th of May.
[Weeks] So how do you feel?
How do you feel about that flying past your head?
Nah. can't really do much about it.
We killed somebody though, that's what counts.
Hopefully it was the guy.
If it want, oh well. Really don't know.
- That's about it. - All right.
(gun banging)
[Soldier] Six in the barrel.
- First time I met Doc Daclan was in Hohenfels.
We actually had a medic prior to him
that refused to fire his weapon
on one of the live fire ranges and our platoon sergeant,
Sergeant First Class Goehlich, kicked him out.
He's like, "Hey, get outta here. I don't need you.
I need somebody that's gonna fuckin' fire their weapon."
And asked for a replacement, which was Doc Daclan, Edgar.
(guns banging)
(soldiers chattering)
(guns banging)
I ended up going to the PX at Hohenfels
and buying this big giant Rambo knife, like a gimmick.
And it came with a compass
and I was so excited, man, probably like a bargain,
probably like 10 bucks.
And I was so anxious to open it up
that I actually sliced my hand open with that knife.
And we were in the billets,
you know, the little barracks area.
And I go up to the medic, Doc,
and I'm like, Hey Doc, can you help me out here?
And he starts bandaging me up.
This is the first time I meet him.
And he has that like high-pitched voice
and he is like, "Hey, man, you gotta be careful
when you're messing with these knives."
And I'm like, "I know, man, I know."
And he starts like bandaging my hand.
And even then I just remember thinking like,
this dude's so caring,
like this dude's so passionate about his job.
(somber music)
(engine rumbling)
(engine continues rumbling)
Get in the Humvees, we start driving out the FOB front gate,
Specialist Maldanado, my boy from Puerto Rico's there,
and he's just like looking at us, right?
And I'm looking at him, which was weird
because like the whole mood was somber.
It was just weird right out the the gate.
Normally he would've been like, "Hey, what's up, fuckers."
But it was just like nothing.
(somber music)
We drive to the location where the point of origin is,
along the Tigris River.
Right before we get to the POO,
there's a T-intersection on a hard ball street.
And I was the third vehicle
out of four vehicles in the patrol.
And we hear over the radio
that the last vehicle had broken down about a mile back.
Like, what?
So the lieutenant in the first vehicle made the decision
to send my vehicle back and link up with them.
So we're like, "All right."
So I drive back and I link up with that other vehicle.
Now I didn't give it any thought
whether they were gonna stay put or continue mission.
I mean, I guess I figured they were just gonna stay put
till we got back and linked up.
(wind rustling)
What ended up happening is that patrol went and carried on.
And Doc, Edgar Daclan was like a grunt to us.
Even though he was a medic, combat medic,
he was a grunt to us, 'cause he was always leading,
he was always kicking in doors,
he was always shooting his weapon with us.
(engine rumbling)
(somber music)
So as we're there,
I'm with the last vehicle that broke down.
We hear. (imitates rumbling)
Like the loudest rumbling forever.
Like, I never heard anything like this before.
Followed by gunfire.
(explosion booms)
- Wow. - Don't get up, guys.
[Soldier] That rocket tracked.
It took like a fuckin' half a second.
"Hey, let's go, they're getting hit. Let's go."
So then my wheel starts spinning like,
oh, they went forward, right?
They continued mission, they pushed on and they got hit.
(wind rustling)
Here we go, here's part of it.
The Humvee parked right next to the IED.
It was a surface leveled IED, meaning it was surface leveled
and it was in a mound of dirt.
So there was only dirt covering those artillery rounds.
And as soon as Doc stepped in front of the Humvee
and the insurgent saw him, he detonated the IED,
which blew Doc across the road.
(explosion booms)
So I convinced the sergeant like, "Hey, let's go, let's go."
So we had jumped in the Humvee,
and I know a shortcut to the location,
it was through like a dirt road.
And I see the Humvee that got hit and it was,
we would come to it like a T.
I jump out and as soon as I jump out,
Sergeant Edgar comes around and said, "They killed Doc."
I'm like, "What do you mean they killed Doc?"
And he's like, "He's right over there, look."
And like I look past him and I see a body on the road
and my vision just goes,
and my whole world just went dark.
And like at that moment, my innocence left me.
Like a shift in my, like my innocence,
anything I was ever taught,
that good things happen to good people,
bad things happen to bad people, shattered,
fucking shattered on the spot.
So I run over there, I don't know why.
And I look down and there's a body, and I look at his face
and there's droplets of blood on his face.
But he doesn't look like Doc, right?
His face is in one piece, his face isn't injured,
it just doesn't look like Doc.
And then I started going down, look, scanning his body.
And then I get to his right leg, his shin,
and his shin bone is exposed
so he took like shrapnel to the shin.
Lieutenant Torres took shrapnel on the bottom of his foot.
Because when I arrived, Lieutenant Torres was sitting
on the passenger side of the Humvee,
holding his foot up like this, cussing.
And the bottom of his boot was chewed up
and his foot looked like ground beef.
Then you had Oneal who was the gunner
at the time of that Humvee.
He had his back of his head facing that IED.
So when that IED blew, boom,
it blew some shrapnel into his Kevlar.
We had the old school Kevlars, the ones that came down,
not like the new ones.
And that saved his life.
It punctured his skull
and it wounded him, took him out of the fight.
And Hinks was bandaging up Oneal
and Hinks was bandaging up Lieutenant Torres,
which was a fucked up feeling
because we never in our wildest dreams
anticipated that our medic would get killed.
(somber music)
And I'm just like, holy fuck.
But then I realized like, hey,
this is an unsecured like scene still,
we still have to pull security.
Like the insurgents, the bad guys
can still be out in the bushes.
So we look down and they're like, "Hey, Ferrel,
there's a fucking vehicle coming down the road."
So you have the dead body, you have my Humvee,
that Humvee that got hit, the 113,
and we're set up in this little position.
But it's on a hard ball so you got traffic trying to come,
Iraqi civilians trying to come from both sides.
So I start shooting warning shots at this car.
Probably had to be an Opal. Everybody drove Opals.
The the car turns around and leaves.
Well then I see a white truck coming
and I do the same thing, but the truck keeps coming.
So then I shoot in front of the street
right where that truck is at with my M-16.
The truck is still fuckin' coming.
So then I shoot at the engine block.
And now this is only .556, but I mean,
I don't know what else to do so I'm like,
and the fuckin' truck is still coming.
I'm like, I'm gonna have to kill this dude.
I'm gonna have to fuckin' kill this dude, right?
'Cause at that time they had already started implementing
car bombs, VBIEDs, vehicle borne IEDs.
I see that there's a driver, but no passenger.
So I aim at the passenger side window, windshield,
and just put a couple rounds in there
and the fucking truck kept coming.
And I'm like, I'm gonna have to kill this dude.
I'm gonna have to fuckin' kill this dude, right?
And it's one of those things,
like, I don't know if this is a bad guy.
I don't know if he's a car bomber. Is this a risk?
By then, the dude is up on us, right?
So much time, like everything's happening so fast,
we see that it's a old man,
dude had to have been 80 or 90 years old.
Blind, deaf, dumb.
So we just break the, the window, we drag 'em out,
we rough 'em up a little bit
'cause we're highly upset and young
and our friend just got killed and we him back in the truck
and he turns around and I hear Hinks say,
"Hey, did you shoot him?"
And I'm like, "No," like pissed.
He fuckin' goes off.
And now Weeks shows up.
So it's like, hey, let's go follow the wire, right?
Because back then they would have two types of IEDs,
command detonated and remote detonated.
So command, they would have a copper wire strung out
to two 155 artillery rounds, or one or three,
however many they wanted, with a blasting cap
and then they would string it out
and they would be there watching you
with a nine volt battery.
So we follow the wire and we look and we look right down.
It was right on the edge of the Tigris.
The dude had a clear line of sight
to the Humvee down the canal.
So they would use different markings to hit you.
And then when he donated, he ran into the village,
which we would later drop
fuckin' two 500-pound bombs on that village.
After we've traced the wire,
the dude was nowhere to be found, the insurgent, we go back.
And it's time to load the bodies on the medevac, right?
So they tell me to pop smoke, I had red smoke canister.
I popped it and I threw it into the street,
but it didn't go where I wanted it to land.
So I go to pick it up and I burned the shit outta my hand.
Like, I didn't realize it was gonna be burning so hot.
So I just dropped it.
By then pretty much all the reinforcements,
all the big wigs, everybody came from the FOB.
We weren't that far from our FOB.
As a matter of fact, my friends on the FOB
that heard the explosion, which was like two miles away
or three miles away, it was so loud
that they thought it was incoming on the FOB.
I'm telling you, that IED was just fuckin' weird, different.
I'm standing in the middle of this empty field in shock.
Sergeant First Class Joselito gets me and pushes me down.
He's like, "Hey, you're doing good, Ferrel,
you're doing good, take a knee."
At the same time the medevac was landing.
You know, I didn't realize that I was standing straight up
and he's like, "Hey, you're doing good."
Like, I don't know if he noticed I was in shock.
And we get up afterwards
and then we start loading the bodies onto the stokes litters
and onto the helicopter.
And I remember the helicopter pilot looking at me
and just me looking at him kind of like, you know,
like thank you and like take care of them.
But we had one KIA, two wounded in action.
Yeah, those guys left and never came back.
Doc's death hit the platoon fuckin' hard, man.
It hit the platoon hard because of who he was, right?
I'm not saying had it been anybody else
who wouldn't have been dealt the same emotions,
but because it was him, it fuckin' sucked that much more.
On top of that,
September 10th happens to be my mom's birthday,
which makes it the worst day of my life.
'cause I had to come back to the FOB, call my mom,
and tell her happy birthday
and keep all those feelings inside
because I didn't want to ruin her birthday.
It was usually like this, two guys in a cubicle, quiet.
You know, when Doc got killed,
it was me and my best man sitting right across
exactly like we are right now.
He's crying, I'm crying.
And he wanted to know what happened.
And I told him exactly how it happened.
And he's just like, "Fuck, man."
It's almost like the facial expressions couldn't hide it.
It's moments of just sad, extreme sorrow.
Reflecting back, what could we have done?
Why couldn't we get killed?
Survivor's guilt, bouncing stories off of each other.
And then, hey, guess what? Suit up. Put your shit on.
We're going out again.
You know, looking around the room
and seeing everybody's face,
it's like that little kid trying to hold their lip in,
right, from crying.
I was crying. Other dudes were crying.
But it's the group mentality as a whole, it's like,
A, we don't wanna show weakness.
B, we can't afford to show weakness.
C, we gotta continue mission.
But like I said, those glimpses, right?
Those glimpses of complete sheer terror,
bewilderment, excitement, joy, right?
Blowing up a fricking house, blowing up a car,
and it's like a little kid with some fireworks
and a little GI Joe doll.
Boom, right?
It's like during those glimpses you can catch like,
hey, you know, we're still kids,
but I'll tell you what thing, man, 13 months of that,
18 months of that, 15 months of that, multiple deployments,
you do lose your innocence, fuckin' fast
(wind rustling)
(wind continues rustling)
(somber music)
(somber music continues)
February, 2005.
The lieutenant colonel pulled us
into an airplane hangar in Germany.
He said, these three things, don't drink and drive.
don't beat your wife,
and if you hear loud sounds, you may flinch.
Have a good day. Boom.
Coming back home, bro, to San Diego,
to El Centro, to Brawley.
I felt like a fuckin' alien, dude.
Like an absolute fucking alien.
My parents didn't understand what was happening to me.
My sister didn't understand what I had just went through.
My friends knew that I was turned up
and that I was drinking the most and doing the most
and acting bizarre, wild, and unusual.
But they enjoyed that shit.
I was a life of the fuckin' party.
And that's where it was a double-edged sword.
(no audio)
Hit him.
Daclan. Daclan.
Help.
What?
Back up. Back up. Get away.
Get away!
(citizens speaking in foreign language)
(no audio)
(microwave door thuds)
- So in April of 2004, yeah, I shot a dude, right?
The dude was bleeding out. We fuckin' ran up to the scene.
The dude was bleeding out, man.
The exit wound was coming out of his neck.
And while he didn't die then and there, you know,
my sergeant would later on tell me like,
yeah, that dude fuckin' didn't make it.
That happened in April.
I got R and R, rest in relaxation, in August.
I was already kind of fighting that in my mind.
Like, am I gonna go to hell?
I grew up with a religious background, Catholic.
So I'm like, I know the 10 Commandments.
Well, I surprised my parents when I came back in August
for R and R and they threw me on the whim block party
with all the neighbors.
Well, I remember getting drunk and crying
and saying, I'm a murderer, I've killed somebody.
And like, fuck, man.
You could just imagine the neighbors looking at me.
This was in 2004.
I didn't plan that.
You know, once the alcohol started flowing,
that's kind of just what came out
and everything always been inside of me, right?
In my thoughts, in my gut, and in my heart.
But when I drank, shit came out.
In a very unhealthy, very ugly way.
I wrestled with that, tackled with that
thought, memory, idea, action, for a long, long time, man.
And that just goes hand in hand with every other trauma
that I experienced throughout the duration of the war.
My war.
(birds chirping)
(helicopter blades whirring)
(helicopter blades continues whirring)
(soldiers laughing)
(explosion booms)
You guys are fuckin' crazy.
You need your little AK-47 now, dude.
(engine rumbling)
(citizens shouting)
(no audio)
(somber music)
(somber music continues)
- The whole year of 2005, I was definitely drunk
and the majority of times under the influence
of a controlled substance.
Marijuana, cocaine, meth, and those were the three.
And to be honest with you, this is what it looked like.
Wake up at nighttime, start drinking, okay?
Start dabbling in some coke.
That's the word I was looking for, dabbling,
'cause I wanted to get up.
It didn't put me up where I wanted to,
so I would smoke some meth or snort some meth
and it would put me too up.
So then I would kind of panic
and smoke some weed to bring me down.
And then I would just continue that rollercoaster from hell
for the whole 2005.
September 10th, the anniversary of my friend getting killed,
still came around all those years,
and that's a trigger for me.
And I had to learn about triggers.
I had post-traumatic stress disorder.
I mean, I still have post traumatic stress disorder,
but I didn't know what the hell that was.
I literally thought I was losing my fuckin' mind, bro.
The word anxiety, if I tell you the word anxiety,
people know the symptoms.
Oh, anxiety, rapid heart increase, nervousness.
Not only did I not know the fuckin' word anxiety,
I didn't know the symptoms.
I thought I was fuckin' losing my mind
and having a heart attack simultaneously.
Adding dope and everything else,
oh bro, you could just imagine.
And then when you go through prolonged periods
of fight or flight scenarios, your brain gets rewired.
And this is something I learned after the fact
in therapy and treatment.
So sending those neurons and everything else,
and your brain remembering survival things.
The problem is you get in an argument with your girlfriend,
you go straight to full combat mode, right?
She's thinking you're a abusive son of a bitch from hell.
Right, verbally abusive, physically abusive, and a drunk.
You look like a fuckin' piece of shit asshole,
is what you look like.
But what's really happening is you're suffering, right?
It's not an excuse at all, right?
You gotta be held accountable.
I gotta be accountable for my actions.
However, that it was an ugly mess.
(somber music)
I was the king of self-sabotage,
the absolute king of self-sabotage.
I was a manipulator, right?
And that comes with being an alcoholic.
The traits of alcoholism.
I knew something wasn't right, bro. I wasn't happy.
I wasn't happy.
You know, you hear people say, they look in the mirror,
they don't like the person that they see.
Well, I mean, I would look in the mirror,
I didn't think I was fuckin', you know, bad looking.
But I didn't like the person that was inside of me.
And that person inside of me came out when I drank.
There was no forethought though.
There was no knowledge of what scientifically
was happening to me or what I was enduring,
if that makes sense.
Like medical terminologies,
mental health terminology, symptoms.
It looked fuckin, you know?
And I remember telling my parents one time like,
"Hey, this looks ugly to you guys.
Just imagine what the fuck it looks like inside of me."
Because yeah, dude, the thoughts, oh my God, bro.
And I haven't reflected back to that,
how it was that bad in ages.
But it was bad, dude.
(somber music continues)
In 2010, I would hit my bottom, bro. I'd hit my bottom.
I'd had a fiance at a time.
I totaled my truck, I totaled my Toyota Tundra.
I bought that Toyota Tundra in 2005 as a gift to myself
coming back from Iraq as a trophy.
Fuckin' totaled it.
And I was upset that I didn't die in the accident.
That's how bad I was.
My dad said, "I'm gonna drop your fuckin' ass off
at the VA in La Jolla.
You're not gonna call us anymore.
You're not gonna talk to us anymore. You're not my son.
You're their problem. You're not our problem anymore." Boom.
Thank God he didn't just drop me off and leave.
He actually waited right there
as I checked myself into the emergency room of the VA
and I told him, "Hey, I need help".
There was a female working behind the counter
at the emergency room.
I said, "I need help."
She's like, "Well, what's wrong?"
I said, "I don't know.
Every time I drink, something bad happens."
She's like, "Well, what do you mean?"
I'm like, "I don't know. I have these thoughts. I can't."
She's like, "All right, have a seat." She was really nice.
We're gonna get you processed through the room.
And then that's when my journey began, bro, in 2010,
of inpatient rehab.
Started off with a trip to the psych ward
to south in La Jolla voluntarily.
They kind of duped me into going up there.
They said I was gonna get some help.
There was no help up there, bro.
It was a fuckin' locked psych ward.
I did go to my first AA meeting up there,
which it's been on and cracking ever since, you know,
and I just hit 13 years of sobriety.
So that's what that looked like, man.
It got worse before it got better.
(somber music)
Their death like hung over me
like a fucking black cloud from hell, dude.
And I blamed all my drinking, my drug usage,
and all this and all of that, man.
And the bottom line is I refused to accept their death.
That's the bottom line.
I was at the VA hospital, like I said,
all this fuckin' treatment came from the VA hospital.
And the doctor's like, "You need to accept Doc's death."
And I'm like, "Yeah, well that's not gonna happen.
I don't give a fuck what you say.
I'm never going to accept Doc's death."
And he said, "Hector, accepting something
doesn't mean that you agree with it.
It simply means that you accept that it happened.
And I'm like, oh, the light bulb went off.
And that's exactly what did it for me.
That's what it was, dude, that was a turning moment
in accepting, once I was able to accept his death, oh dude,
it felt like a million pounds lifted off of me.
Right? I wasn't holding onto that.
And yeah, you best believe I don't agree with it,
but now I can accept that it did happen.
They got killed doing what they enjoyed doing.
And I know they enjoyed it because we were,
you know, shoulder to shoulder, kicking in doors together,
laughing, joking, eating, smoking.
It's more than just losing a friend.
It's more than just losing a brother.
It's what it is, is actually the world got a valuable,
valuable asset taken from them.
Everybody went their separate ways.
My buddy Maez ended up going to NTC,
Fort Irwin in California.
The majority of the guys stayed in.
They got stop-lossed.
I got out.
I only did a three year contract.
I got in and I got out, right?
It was kind of a perfect thing.
Train, deploy for 13 months,
and then, well, I went from Iraq to home, dude,
that's kind of a problem.
And they got stop-lossed
and went back to Baghdad for 18 months.
So not only am I home,
I'm still losing brothers from my platoon overseas, dude.
So like I'm home and I'm getting calls that,
Hey, did you hear about so and so?
Did you hear about Allen?
I'm like, "No, don't tell me."
Yeah, he got fuckin' killed.
It was with the 10th Mountain,
'cause he ended up PCSing with the 10th Mountain.
One that hit me hard was Staff Sergeant Leija, Hector Leija.
Called him Big Hector, he called me Little Hector.
He got shot in the head by a sniper in Haifa Street.
That came out on the news.
That whole scene came out on the news.
This is somebody that was my mentor,
one of my leaders in my platoon
that took me under his wing when I got into Germany.
So I'm like hurting, bro.
Like extremely hurting and all this is happening.
So some of my friends continued war and died.
(somber music)
(sighs) King went back to Philadelphia,
he killed himself a couple years ago,
right after Memorial Day or right before Memorial Day.
(somber music continues)
I recently got asked to speak at my high school,
Brawley Union High School for Veterans Day.
You know, one of my buddies from my hometown,
he joined the Army Infantry.
He went to Iraq, he deployed to Afghanistan.
He's a teacher now.
So he tells me I'm gonna be the guest speaker to speak
and that there's gonna be
other veterans there in attendance.
So I get there and as soon as I see my buddy Jay, right?
Jay has a sister my age
and it's a small town so everybody knows each other.
And me and him both came back in 2005.
He was a Marine, he was in Fallujah,
I was in the Army, I was in Balad.
We both came back to that hometown
and we were both suffering
and hurting the exact identical same way.
And we remember, I remember him at his low
and I'm pretty damn sure he remembers me at my low.
And when I seen him at that like two weeks ago,
my eyes lit up like, "Oh shit, Jay, what's up?"
It's like, oh.
And I said, "We made it, bro. We made it."
(somber music)
Five or six of 'em ended up relocating
to the Phoenix, Arizona area.
I have made annual trips out to Arizona,
out to the Phoenix area
where we will just chop it up like brothers, bro,
and reminisce.
And I took my daughter, my daughter was four or five.
So I introduced her to like,
hey, these are your uncles, right?
So that's, you know, we're growing.
One of my brothers, Hinks,
he just came to San Diego and brought his daughter.
His daughter's the same age as mine
and we were, you know, we were so happy
that like they can play.
And then you talk about when we were young
and it's like, we both were thinking the same thing.
Like, damn bro, look at us.
Look at what we went through together young.
And now look, dude, we're grown men, fathers,
and look at our daughters together.
You can't put a price on that.
You know, it is unexplainable
(soft music)
(soft music continues)
(soft music)
(soft music continues)
(soldiers laughing)
Balad, Iraq, where we have just discovered an IED,
improvised explosive device ahead of checkpoint 10.
We are here with Jared Hinks, take it away.
- That's right, Ferrel, here in Balad, Iraq
on route Linda where two Hajis,
excuse me, indigenous personnel.
- Iraqi members. - Iraqis,
came to the front gate while we were leaving
and told us they knew where a bomb was.
Sergeant Coleman, being the man that he is,
said, he didn't care, he wanted to continue mission.
But being the men we are, we said, let's be heroes.
Let's go get 'em.
- So here we are now. - The bomb is down there.
The wait is undescribable.
Usually pertains to about four to eight hour wait for EOD.
They have to do certain things to prepare themselves
to blow up these roadside bombs.
[Ferrel] With a chance of ambush.
- Like, getting out of bed, shutting off the PlayStation,
taking a shower, lacing up their tennis shoes,
putting on bomb favorite underwear,
and then coming to blow the bomb up with a robot.
Strenuous job.
Oh, if you look to the right,
there's cars that we are diverting traffic off the road
onto the canal road.
- [Hector] Canal road being that road right there.
If I had it my way, I'd be able to send those cars
right to the bomb and blow it myself.
There you got some well hygiened and groomed Iraqi children.
They're not dirty, dusty, or stinky whatsoever.
This is a nice home that you would like to,
you'd most likely see in Beverly Hills, California.
You see you got the smoke trail.
[Hinks] They got chickens and cows
running through their living room.
Fires burning in the yard.
- I did see this kid crap in the the living room floor once.
- [Hector] Look at Sergeant Acosta work his magic.
Do it again, Sergeant Acosta, please, for the camera.
Look at his weapon Different than ours. Why?
Because that bad boy'll spit 30 rounds out in one second.
- Wanna see a thousand-yard stare?
- [Soldier] Oh come, come on, I'm nearly coming, come on.
Don't make me lose that feeling.
42, 43, one more, one more.
46, 47, 48, 49, 50!
(soldiers laughing)
[Hector] That there was a monkey fucker.
(soldiers laughing)
(engine rumbling)
- [Hector] Hear ye, we are gathered here today
for our little Richard Freddy Hill.
Who's not so little anymore.
It's his 23rd birthday today.
The 30th of June, 2004.
Yay.
- Go on! Cut it. - Cut that motherfucker.
- [Hector] Richard Hill, do the honors, big guy.
Big nuts.
Hold on, hold on. Not yet.
Hey, Sergeant Stewart,
welcome to Richard Hill's 23rd birthday party
where he cuts the watermelon.
- Cut that bitch. - Begin.
Cut it, big guy.
Cut it.
No, don't cut it long-ways man.
[Soldier] You ain't got a birthday cake?
You gonna have a birthday watermelon?
[Hector] It's a birthday.
Gave all the cakes to the Hajis.
Cut it, Richie like you would a man.
- Yeah, like you're starting right at his sternum.
- Yeah. - Yeah!
[Hector] Yeah, big guy!
(soldiers laughing and cheering)
23 years old, biggest fuckin' nuts in the platoon.
[Soldier] Nuts so hard
that he ate the boogers out of a dead man
and asked for seconds.
[Hector] Yeah, there you go. Oh!
(no audio)
This is our new room, my roommate Weeks.
Yeah, this is the friend I was telling you about
that kind of shot that off in here.
What do you have to say about that incident, Weeks?
[Weeks] Hold on.
[Hector] (laughs) About that day.
- Man. - Little reenactment.
(Hector laughs)
- [Hector] Where'd you get that flashlight?
Did you order it offline? 'Cause that's fuckin' high speed
how you got it all hooked up.
Isn't it?
Shit, should probably put the safety on.
(Hector laughs)
(no audio)