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Tell you what, I am amped about this party Friday night.
I hear there’s gonna be two bands.
No shit?
Time for some of the old electric shutter slide.
The electric fucking what?
You gonna come, Tom?
Hey Tommy, you coming with us to Nick’s party Friday night?
Uh, I don’t know.
He’ll come.
He fucking better.
I wish somebody would tell me
why I signed up for this 19th century lit class.
Lot of reading?
Fuck, yeah.
What are you reading?
I don't know, uh...
Moldy dick, for one.
Moldy Dick.
Which is what I'm gonna have if I have to read the whole book
A moldy dick. No time for better things.
Pig.
Alright, what else?
Uh, lots of French shit.
“Les Miserables”.
Les Miserables.
But that's cool because I can watch the movie.
Angelina Jolie is hot.
I'm pretty sure she's not in it.
She won an Oscar.
That was Anne Hathaway, douche.
Well, she's hot, too.
Then there's books by two Frenchies named Dumb Ass and Scrotum.
Dumb Ass...
Alexander Duma?
Duma...
Looks like dumb ass to me.
You know, I am 100% certain there is no French author name scrotum.
That's his name.
Then what did he write?
I don't know, uh...
oh wait... Cousin Buffy?
Is it about vampires?
Yeah. No.
Cousin Bette.
Oh yeah.
Honoré de Balzac.
That’s what I said, ballsack.
Hmm, you said scrotum.
Okay, Ballsack, scrotum, same thing. Who names their kid Ballsack?
Mr and Mrs. Balzac, I imagine!
So, Tom, about Nick's party.
I'm not sure if I'm really feeling it.
Thomas, my friend. What is with you lately?
I just don't really know who I am anymore.
Oh...
Oh.
Kids in crisis next right here on Fox.
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
I don't know who I am.
For Christ's sake, that’s what my roommate said yesterday when he told me he was gay.
Sean's gay?
Uh, oops. Yeah, he is.
But I'm not supposed to tell anybody, so keep your mouths shut.
No kidding.
Huh.
But, Tom, if you're trying to tell us that you're gay, don't worry.
Andy and I will still be your friends.
Hey, listen, guys-
Hey, if he is gay, I’ll bone him.
Shut up, you pig.
Hey, any port in a storm, as the sailor said to the... cow.
And the Animal of the Year award goes to...
Andy Detweiler!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
First and foremost I would like to thank all the little people who made this-
Guys, I’m not gay.
You’re not?
Well, at least I don’t think I am.
So what's this major malfunction all about?
I told you, I don't know who I am anymore.
Yeah, but what the fuck's that supposed to mean?
Look, okay, um...
This morning after class, I went to the bathroom.
Hey, none of us was born solid.
And I stopped, and I looked at myself in the mirror.
That face would freak anybody out.
Andy, could you possibly,
I mean, you know, hypothetically, keep your mouth shut for just one minute?
Anyway, I got a good look at myself,
and I realized that I looked the same as I did when I was five.
What the fuck?
Dude.
Like the same combed hair and lost expression.
And then there was this flash of light that eclipsed the mirror.
Dude, what the fuck were you smoking?
Anyway...
Nothing much has changed.
I’m just like I was back then.
Like how, Tom?
Lost, or immobilized, like um...
a broke down car.
Lost and immobilized? Huh...
Sounds like my car.
One more time,
shut the fuck up!
Okay, okay...
I'm listening, I swear.
It's like I'm getting through the day on minimal repairs,
but then my only escape is sleeping.
But then my dreams are like these grainy eight millimeter films
with these with, like, lurid fragments of color
and emotion that just kind of like, pop in and-
Damn dude! Whatever you are smoking must be sweet.
Shut the fuck up, Mike.
I mean, for one thing,
I can't get into studying this semester.
Join the club.
And I hate my major.
So change it.
Hell, yeah. I've changed mine five times already.
It's not that easy.
Yeah it is. You just go to an advisor. - No, no, no.
My dad has been telling everyone since I was a kid that I'm going to be a doctor.
My dad's been telling everyone I'm gonna go to jail.
Look at me.
There’s still plenty of time, Mike.
I can't just quit now.
It would hurt him. I mean, he's counting on it.
It's your life, man.
I don't even know what I want to do.
There are only three things to do.
Get drunk, get stoned, get laid.
You forgot one.
Get rich.
Oh yeah, that too.
It's like I'm drowning in an ocean of uncertainty-
Jesus, Tommy, get a fucking grip.
Hating your major’s not that bad. Look at me.
I'm flunking math for the fourth time.
I got a four point in math.
Okay, only because you were boning the graduate assistant, dude.
You think I'd use my dick to get a grade?
All I know is that she looked like a duck’s ass,
plus, you dropped her the minute you got your grade.
You're just jealous you didn't think of it.
Oh, uh, some of us have standards, fuckhead.
Oh, you want to talk about standards?
How about Sheila Montrose?
Okay, wait a minute.
Rewind.
You know, I was drunk that night.
You must have been real drunk.
I mean, Sheila Montrose?
I mean, were you there that night?
Yeah, yeah.
Anyway, I told you never to mention Sheila Montrose.
That's what you need, Tom, my lad. To get well and truly laid.
Yeah.
Hey, how did that date we set up for you work out?
Yeah, with um...
Sophia?
Now that chick's as brainy as you.
Yeah, we didn't really have much to talk about.
Talk?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You were supposed to bone her!
I mean, we just kind of sat around and watched old episodes of “The X-Files.”
Oh, I love that show.
Damn, dude! No wonder you're depressed!
Have you guys seen the episode where Scully gets kissed by a zombie?
Anyway, I don't really think that having a girl is going to tell me who I am.
Maybe not, but, it would sure help you get your mind off things.
Yeah, so would a few hits, bro. Hey, let's go to my place and get hammered.
No, I got to go to the library.
You read way too much!
No, I’ve got to study.
We’ll get high first!
You can't study when you're high.
I always get high before I do my math homework.
I rest my case.
Hey, guys, wait a minute.
You guys want to hear a real problem?
Uh-oh. Busted condom time.
My mom's been sleeping with somebody who's only two years older than me.
No shit.
No way.
Fuck man, I mean, how do you think that makes me feel?
Your mom's a fox, bro.
Shut up, Andy!
I wouldn’t mind boning her myself!
That's it, Tom. You need to go to the library.
I'm gonna take Andy out in the alley and beat the crap out of him.
Uh, yeah, I should go.
Hey, don't let it get you down, man.
Yeah, and you know if you need anything Andy and I will be here.
Thanks guys, I really appreciate it.
Yeah.
Yeah, we love you, man.
Okay.
And don't forget about Nick's party.
Yeah, sure.
So...
You boning Sean or what?
Hey!
Do you believe in fate?
Excuse me?
I asked if you believe in fate.
No, not really.
Are you afraid of the dark?
What? The...
Look, I don't have time for a poll.
I’ve got to study.
Well, are you?
Afraid of the dark?
Yeah.
Um...
No.
Could you, like, go?
I'm Madeleine.
Hi.
What's your name?
Tom.
Look, I really got to-
You're a Virgo.
What?
When's your birthday?
August 24th.
See, you’re a Virgo.
What did I tell you?
How’d you know that?
Well, easy.
Virgos always pretend that they don't believe in fate
and they're not afraid of the dark.
Well, okay. I happen to not be pretending.
We’ll see.
Do you want to go grab a coffee?
Like I said, I’ve got to study.
Well, you weren't studying when I sat down.
Well, I was thinking.
Coffee helps you think.
Okay.
Yeah, sure.
Where to?
Follow me.
Wait, isn't that your stuff?
Nope. I just, um... I just kind of found it there.
Okay.
You Virgos are so interesting.
How so?
Well, for instance, you always imagine you know yourselves so well,
but then you keep getting lost all the time.
Lost?
Yeah.
When I walked by you in the library, I thought you looked lost.
Oh, no, I was um... I was just...
Thinking?
I know.
Have you had any strange dreams lately?
No.
I don't, I don’t really dream all that much.
Dreams are so important.
I mean, they're just dreams.
No, especially to Virgos.
Okay,
Look, Madeleine, I don't really believe in any of this astrology stuff.
Yeah, I can tell that.
I mean it's just a load of crap.
Someday I'll cast your horoscope.
It's a waste of time.
Has anyone ever read the tarot for you?
No.
But, I-you know, I did do a Ouija board once though.
It was a joke. It was a joke.
Hey, I have an idea.
Why don't you come on over to my place and I'll read the tarot for you?
Why? I don’t believe in any of it.
I know, but come on. It'll be fun.
Come on.
Alright.
I suppose it couldn't hurt.
But I warn you, I don't believe in sex on the first date.
Oh...
I mean...
neither do I. I...
Look, it's not that I'm not attracted to you.
You do have a cute butt.
Thank you. So do you.
What's the matter?
I hate when guys talk dirty to me.
No, I wasn't...
That wasn't supposed to be dirty, you just...
I was...
I'll forgive you because you're cute.
But remember, keep your hands to yourself.
Here, shuffle these.
This is so-
Shhh.
You have to concentrate.
And now cut them three times.
This one is you.
Why this one?
Um... a dark haired boy with spiritual depths.
And that's me?
Yes, but you might not know it yet.
I don’t know, he looks kind of like a wuss.
These represent your past.
Oh, I see.
A fair haired man...
strict and unyielding.
My dad.
This one says that you've tried
a whole bunch of things, and none of them have really worked out.
You are totally absorbed
in your own ego and can't see the spiritual side of things. See?
What did I tell you? Virgo.
Come on, they're just cards.
And you've been desperately lonely.
All right, listen, I have a lot of friends.
I am just telling you what the cards say.
Lonely. Well, desperately lonely.
These show your present.
Let me guess.
More misery.
Well...
you're disenchanted with life and you don't know which way to turn.
You can't make a decision
and the dreams that could show you
the way are lurid and fragmentary.
Lurid and fragmentary?
I guess this is starting to make a little bit of sense.
Well, it should.
You know, I'd say you seem pretty lost.
Lost, huh?
Yeah or broken down.
Like a car.
Exactly. Or like you're drowning-
Alright, listen Madeleine, this has been a lot of fun, but I got to get out of here.
Well, don't you want to see what they say about your future?
You know, I can imagine what you've dreamt up for me.
Okay, um... Well, I'll set these aside for now
now, and you can look at them some other time.
I really don't think there's going to be another time.
Hey, aren't you going to kiss me goodbye or anything?
Well, I can... if you want.
I thought you didn’t believe in sex on the first date?
I don't.
But I do believe in fate.
What are you thinking about?
Just working out how all this happened.
Now, do you believe in fate?
Yeah, sure.
And fate’s name is Mike or Andy. Or both.
Damn it, Jeanie!
I wish you'd stop. You're making me tired.
Six, seven... eight.
I need to get in shape.
What for?
Guys like girls who have flat stomachs.
What happened to Roger?
Mattie, where have you been?
Roger and I broke up two weeks ago.
I’m sorry, what happened?
He just wasn't right for me.
Loser.
I mean, he was pretty good in bed.
If straight banging is your idea of all there is, but...
that boy is dumb as a post.
You sure you knew how to choose them, sweetie.
I thought he was cute.
He is cute, I’ll give him that.
They're all cute, Jeanie.
But don't you ever talk to them before you hook up with them?
What are you trying to say, Carol?
Well, in the last 12 months, there's been...
Let's see Kevin, then Jason, then Manuel, then Roger...
Did I leave anyone out?
Marty!
Oh my god... Marty.
How did I forget Marty?
Oh, I liked Marty.
He's a Libra.
Mattie, get a grip.
Libra or not, that boy was a total tool.
Anyway, Jeanie, there weren’t enough brains
among the lot of them to power a 40 watt bulb.
I know.
You'd have better luck screwing it into a potato.
Brains aren't everything.
Neither are penises, for Christ's sake...
Sure are fun to play with though!
Slut!
That's a nice thing to call your best friend.
Why can't you be more like Maddie and me?
We get along very well without guys.
Don't we, Maddie?
Oh, come on!
So you're telling me that if a guy walked in here right now
and offered you his bod, you would turn him down?
Probably.
But in any case, I'd sure as hell talk to him first.
Otherwise you end up afterwards wondering how to get him out of here.
What about you, Maddie?
What is that smile all about?
Whose knitting is this?
My roommate's.
Where is she?
At work, as usual.
That girl works way too much.
Now, come on, Maddie. What is that smile all about?
Maddie!
I met a boy.
You didn't!
Who?
His name is Tom. He's a Virgo.
He's quite smart, mega cute and really sweet.
Way to go girl!
So, where and how did you meet him?
At the library.
Because that's what the library is for.
So what happened?
Just...
you know, fate.
So how was your Thanksgiving?
Terrible.
How come?
She had that guy there.
Damn, the one that's boning her. What's he like?
Yeah, is he nice?
No, he's not nice. He's a fucking asshole!
I woke up in the middle of the night-
You're not going to believe this.
I could hear them doing it from the other end of the house.
Wow, no kidding!
I had to get up and go for a drive.
Your mom's a screamer, eh? I knew it!
Andy, I swear to god I’m gonna fucking kill you!
Hey, you know, Colette started having an affair with her stepson
when she was 49, and he was only 16.
Colette who?
The famous French writer.
Well, listen, asshole:
my mom isn’t French and she can't write for shit!
Wait, so you'd rather she didn't have sex at all?
Well...
Yeah! I mean, she's 42 years old, for Christ's sake.
It's time to take up knitting.
You gonna give it up when you’re 42?
Shit, dude, it's different for guys.
Oh yeah, right. I forgot.
Hamlet.
What?
Hamlet told his mother that she was too old for sex.
Jesus, Tom! You've been reading again, haven't you?
Yeah, I’m always reading...
Well, Hamlet was right.
Or at least Mom could have found some divorced guy her own age.
Shit, don't worry about it, Mike. She'll get over him.
I hope so, man.
And when she does...
tell her I’m available.
I’m gonna fucking kill you.
Hey, guys, I um...
I just wanted to thank you.
For what?
I mean, you bastards, you set me up so good.
What the fuck you talking about?
I mean, you must have been on the phone the second I left.
On the phone to who?
Madeline.
Who?
Stop acting dumb. It’s the girl that you guys set me up with
that night and told her everything I said to you.
I don't get it.
I really thought I could trust you guys with my problems.
Listen, dude... Wait a minute, let me get this straight-
How would you like it if I went and told the world about your mom?
Whoa, hold on! Back the truck up. You met some girl?
As if you didn’t know.
Did you bone her?
I'm sure she filled you in on all the details.
You did bone her!
Way to go, dude!
Fuckin’ awesome, Tommy!
Yeah, yeah, yeah-
Okay, so, Maddie, spill.
Did you fuck him?
Yes.
Oh my gosh, you are such a trollop!
On the first date?
Yes. I wasn't going to, but he kind of swept me off my feet.
Oh please.
He just wouldn't take no for an answer.
So did he spend the night?
Yes.
And how many times did you do it?
For Christ's sake, Jeanie, you don't need to know that!
No, I want to know! I always tell you girls!
Four.
Four?
The last one of mine who could knock off a four spot
was Simon back in high school.
Simon Pettigrew?
Yeah.
Jesus...
That boy was so anemic looking
I always thought tying his own shoe would wear him out.
No, he was a real sex machine.
But a raging dork.
But a raging dork, unfortunately.
I hope this Tom isn't a dork, Maddie.
No, he's not.
So, how big is he?
About six foot, I think.
No, not his height, his dick.
How big is Mr. Chubby?
Jeannie!
Look, guys, I appreciate the help,
I guess, but I would really rather find a girl on my own.
So you think we set you up with this girl?
I know you did.
Do you know what the fuck he’s talking about?
I mean, you had to. She knew everything about me.
There was a Madeline in our PE class.
Was she the one with the pigtails and like the huge-
Would you guys stop fucking with me?
Tom, we're not fucking with you.
We wouldn't do that.
Unless, of course, you want us to.
You do have a cute butt.
But I admit that you had me going for a little bit,
but the second she started quoting me, word for word, I caught on pretty quick.
Listen, Tom, I swear me and Andy have nothing to do with any Madeline.
On a stack of bibles.
That high.
You guys are such con artists. I’ve got to go.
Hey, Tommy boy, don't be mad at us.
Yeah, no shit. We're your best friends, man.
Fuck off.
You know, you guys will be happy to know
I switched my major from physiology to English.
Way to go, dude!
Good for you, man. Hey, the first time’s always the hardest.
Next time you see Madeline, tell her the Oscar's in the mail.
What the hell was that? - The fuck?
So, when are you seeing him again?
I'm not sure.
You didn't make another date?
No.
Dammit, girl. How did you describe him?
Sweet, smart, funny, big dick, four times a night.
Why is he not handcuffed to your bed right now?
Don't worry, fate has him handcuffed.
Oh, good Christ...
Roger keeps texting me.
Oh my god. Stalker.
No, it's kind of sweet.
He sends me dirty stuff.
Jeanie!
And he sent me a nude last night!
You're not going to take him back, are you?
Uh...
Maybe for one night.
Boo!
I’d like to kill that bastard!
He didn't hurt you, did he?
No, I guess not.
I wonder who he is.
Maddie, what's wrong?
I have to go in this building. Why?
Why?
I'm not sure.
I just have to go in there.
Want us to come with you?
No, that’s all right.
Hey!
How’d you find me?
The Virgo vibes?
Just that... how?
The Virgo vibes.
I just followed them. They led me straight to you.
That is crazy.
What are you doing?
I'm hiding from you.
Really? Why?
I guess not really.
I was kind of hiding from myself.
Oh, well, that's what Virgos do best.
I suppose so.
It's great to see you again.
Do you want to go do something?
Okay, sure.
I have to warn you, though,
I do believe in sex on the second date.
You know, that is such an awesome coincidence, because so do I.
Oh, good.
I like your tattoo.
You should get one.
Yeah, maybe I will.
We should get your ears pierced.
Okay, my dad will throw a fit.
Oh, Mr. Stern and unyielding?
The very same.
He is so pissed at me for changing my major.
Well, if he's already mad, then why not go all the way?
Now, that sounds like a good idea.
What?
Going all the way.
Again?
Mmm-hmm.
That one would look great on you.
Oh jeez, Madeline, I don’t know.
No, I’m gonna go see how much it costs.
Oh, hey, Tom!
Oh, hey, Shaun. Hey.
Now how’s it going?
It's going pretty good-
Shaun?
Maddie?
Damn. Where have you been?
I know. I've missed you so much.
Have you met Tom?
Yeah, Tom and I have known each other for a while now.
Yeah...
Well, I’ve got to run. Call me.
I will, I promise.
Hey, Maddie,
I think the horoscope you cast for me is just about to come true.
Oh, well, have I ever been wrong?
How long have you known Sean for?
$85.
What?
That’s how much the tattoo costs.
Oh, uh... that's a lot.
Since my freshman year.
What?
I've known Sean since my freshman year.
Oh, um...
Well, you know, he's actually Mike's roommate.
Is he?
Yeah.
So Madeline...
How long have you known Mike and Andy for, anyway?
Who?
You know.
Mike and Andy...
What are their star signs?
What's that got to do with anything?
I want to know.
Okay, um...
Mike's like...
May 25th, I think, or 26th,
and then Andy was sometime in late July.
Gemini and Leo.
That's perfect.
Perfect for what?
They're the best friends a Virgo can have.
Yeah, they are good friends.
My best friends.
You're lucky to have them.
I'm still pissed at them, though.
Be good to them.
They're just pawns of fate like you and me.
Yeah, whatever.
I don't know, bro.
Maybe I should leave the Christmas lights up.
I sort of dig them. What do you think?
Yeah, they are pretty cool.
Tell you what, man, I'm all about Christmas.
Yeah. Did you get anything good this year?
Fuck yeah. My old man was so shit-face pleased that
I passed math that he gave me a thousand bucks.
Cool.
I guess that means you're buying the beer this semester.
In your dreams, fuckface.
I had a pretty good Christmas, too.
Thanks for asking.
Yeah?
Yeah. Me and Daryl spent some time together.
Daryl?
Yeah. You know...
My mom’s boyfriend.
You hung out with him?
Yeah. He's actually pretty cool.
Ain’t he still bonin’ the moms?
Yeah, but...
I kind of feel sorry for the guy now.
Jeez, dude, what's gotten into you?
Before Christmas you were ready to cut off his balls and feed them to your goldfish.
Yeah, but you know what?
I think he really loves my mom.
She is a cougar.
Hell, I even think he wants to marry her, but she won't.
Why not?
She says she's too old for him.
Oh, well, you know, Colette, the famous French writer, she started doing the nasty
with her grandson when she was 102 and he was only 13.
I mean, if they love each other...
What's the difference?
Dam, dude, what's gotten into you?
Good wine.
Yeah. It's not bad, is it?
More, please.
I thought Sheila. was supposed to be here.
She was supposed to, but she got called in to work at the last minute.
I haven't seen her in ages.
So, what did Tom get you for Christmas?
This.
Ooh, very nice. Is that amber?
Yup.
Sweet. What did you get him?
I paid to have his ears pierced and bought him earrings.
Damn. You are making that boy over.
Well, I'm trying.
That must be Jeanie.
Damn, it is cold out!
Well, come on in.
Come on, Roger, sweetie.
Oh, I'm supposed to be meeting my sister.
You can have one glass of wine, can't you?
Yeah, well okay, but only one.
Sometimes he smells my breath to see if I've been drinking.
Oh, hi Jeanie. How was your Christmas?
Oh. Hi Roger.
How you doing?
My Christmas was great.
Um... Roger and I just sort of holed up here.
Yeah,
This wine was pretty cheap, but it's not bad.
Me and Jeanie had some good wine last night.
It was Romarian.
Romanian, sweetie.
Yeah, uh, well, I knew it was one of those African countries.
Yeah.
Yeah, one of those African countries like Bulgaria and Albania.
Yeah.
Anyways, here's to four timers.
Jeanie, you slut.
I don’t get it. What's so funny?
Oh, just girl stuff, sweetie.
Hey, why don't you drink your drink and then go see your sister?
Okay.
See you later, sweetie.
Still don’t get what’s so funny.
Bye Roger.
Nice to see you, Roger.
That boy is still dumb as a post.
True,
but you should see him with his clothes off.
Yuck!
I thought you broke up with him.
I took him back.
I told him that if he could do it four times
a night like Tom, then he could stay.
You didn’t!
It worked like a charm.
I got that male ego thing going.
I don't know, Jeanie.
He looks pretty exhausted to me.
Yeah, poor guy.
Maybe I should give him a night off?
Not!
I just want to know what the hell you guys talk about in between.
Oh. Um...
How good it was...
When we’re gonna do it again...
Fascinating.
So, Maddie, how are things going with Tom?
Wonderfully.
Look what he gave her for Christmas.
Oh, sweet!
What did you get for him?
Earrings.
No kidding.
He looks really cute in them.
So how is he holding up?
What?
Still doing it four times a night?
Sometimes less...
but usually more.
More?
Good lord...
Poor Roger.
So, what's he up to today?
He went to make up with Mike and Andy.
How anybody could be friends with that Andy is beyond me.
You see any of the old gang when you were back home?
Mary-Ann. You know she got married to The Fenster?
Yeah. Rebound.
She's pregnant and looks like a giant bowling ball.
Oh, fuck.
Hey, and I went to see your grandma.
Yeah, she told me. That was nice of you, Andy.
Hey, I dig your grandma, man.
Besides, she makes the best Christmas cookies in all of West Branch.
Yeah, she brought a bunch down when she came over to my mom's place.
What does she think about Darrell?
She's pretty cool about it.
Who the fuck could that be?
Come on in!
Hey, guys!
Tommy! - Woah, what up, dude?
Here I am.
Where the hell you been?
Still mad at us?
No. I actually came by to apologize for being such a dick...
And I got a present!
Whoa, look at this!
Now, this is the good stuff!
Way too good for the likes of you.
Says the guy who drinks rubbing alcohol.
Hey, I mix it with tomato juice.
I remember.
So, Tom, what's with the present?
I wanted to apologize and to thank you for being my best friends.
Aw...
Damn, dude, we don't even like you.
Don't tell the that now dickhead, he might take this back.
No, I mean it. You guys, you’ve really helped me. Just-
Whoa, hold on! Are those earrings I see?
Oh yeah.
Let me see.
What, you decide you’re gay, or what?
Shut up, Andy.
No, Madeleine, she... she thought that, um...
Madeleine? You’re still with her?
Sure am. Yeah.
She thought I'd look good in earrings, so she got me these for Christmas.
Hold on a minute, this the same chick you thought we set you up with?
Yeah, but, I mean, it's cool now.
She is wonderful.
What do your folks think about her?
Oh, my dad went postal!
He kicked me out of the house.
No kidding.
Yeah, and I didn't even show him the tattoos.
Wait, tattoos?
You got tattoos? Let me see.
No, no, they’re just tattoos.
Show and tell time!
Yeah, okay, okay!
Whoa. Those are way cool.
Jesus. Didn't it hurt?
Oh, like a son of a bitch.
So why'd you do it?
I don’t know.
Well, Madeline had some, and, like...
I just wanted to make a statement.
Pretty radical statement.
I never figured you for a tattoo guy, Tommy.
I have changed, Andy.
You got any more?
Yeah, but I’m not showing you.
Woah, you got the Statue of Liberty tattooed on your dick or something?
Or something.
I guess you're pretty hooked on this, Madeline.
Yeah.
Ain't no chick on this planet going to get me to tattoo my dick.
No fucking way.
It's not on my penis, dude.
Thank god!
That would hurt way too much.
And plus, I imagine you've been using that thing a lot recently.
Jesus, Tom, you have changed.
I have never been this happy.
That's great, Tom.
I never realized how lonely I was.
What do you mean, lonely? You've always had us.
Well, yeah, but... like...
No, I get what you're saying, Tom.
Having friends is great, but you need someone you can share everything with.
You mean sex.
I mean love, Andy. Love.
And how would you know, asshole? You’ve never loved anyone except yourself.
I just know, that's all.
I just know, that's all. Dickhead.
Hey, why don't we put a dent in that bottle?
Good idea. I'll get some glasses.
This stuff is too good to drink out of the bottle.
Amen to that, buddy.
Uh, so, Mikey, did you give Sean a little Christmas bone?
And I do mean little.
Sheila Montrose!
Ouch!
Carol..
You know that I am your oldest and dearest and drunkest friend.
Uh-oh.
Wait... Jeanie, you're not that old.
Maybe she is.
Well, I just have to say this-
I already know what you’re going to say, so just save it.
How could you know what I'm going to say if I only just thought of it myself?
You're going to ask me for the 95th time why I'm not dating.
I mean, it's been like a year and a half since you broke up with Billy.
I mean, shit, sweetie, it's time to stop grieving.
I'm not grieving, I’ve just gone off guys is all.
Carol, why can’t you just remember the wonderful times you had with Billy?
Yeah, forget all the bad stuff.
Damn, you two have a funny idea of how memory works.
What do you mean?
It's like whenever I try to think about the good times,
the bad times just keep filtering in.
That's sad.
It's like going to a movie for the second time.
How can you forget how it ends?
I never remember.
Wait, so does this mean that you're, like, off of guys forever?
No. I mean, I just need to find the right guy.
What is the right guy?
From childhood hours, I've not been, as others were.
I've not seen as others saw.
What the hell is that?
Edgar Allan Poe!
What's that got to do with anything?
Look, I just seen a guy who's weird, like me,
Like Billy.
Like Billy before he got so heavy into drugs.
So, like, a nice weird.
Yeah,
Like Sheila!
Right?
If Sheila was a man I'd marry her in a minute.
Marry her anyway!
It would never work.
Come on, Carol, don't be so old fashioned.
She's vegan.
I love you, Madeleine.
You do?
You know I do.
That’s sweet, Tom.
So where the fuck are they?
They'll be here.
Dude, what the fuck am I doing here? I don’t even want to meet this chick.
Yes you do, Andy. It’s Tom’s girl, for god’s sake.
Well, they better be here in 5 minutes or I'm going to go ahead and order.
Here they are.
Hey, guys, this is Madeleine.
Madeleine, this is Mike.
Hi, Madeleine.
Hi.
And, of course, the famous Andy Detweiler.
Hey, Andy.
Hey.
Okay, so you're the Gemini, and you're a Leo. That’s clear to see.
It's really great to meet you.
Tom' been talking a lot about you.
Has he?
What else is there to talk about?
I like your friends.
Yeah, they're good guys.
Andy was pretty quiet.
Yeah, I know.
He was nice, though,
Hey, want to know something?
What?
I still love you.
Well, I should hope so.
Do you still have those cards?
Which cards?
You know, the um... the tarot.
My future.
Those cards.
Yeah, I want to see them.
Now?
Sure. Why not now?
Well, isn't there something you'd rather do?
Well, maybe...
What you thinking about?
Just how happy I am.
Do you think I've changed?
You have a tattoo on your butt.
Come on. You know what I mean.
Do I still look lost?
No.
Or, uh...
broke down or drowning or desperately lonely?
Stop it, Tom, that tickles.
I want to see my tarot.
I don't know where they are.
Ooh, dusty.
What is the point? I mean, the future's already happened.
Well, I want to know what they thought my future was going to be.
I don’t want to.
Please?
Alright.
Yes!
Uh, this is you stepping off into the unknown.
A complete change in your life.
Right on.
Oh, uh-oh.
Nothing to worry about. It just means that the old you is dead.
See, I have changed.
What?
A fair haired girl with spiritual depths.
But...
But what?
Nothing.
Boy, those cards were right.
So what changed her mind?
Well, I told her I was all for it.
And my grandma said my mom deserved Daryl after spending 15 years with my dad.
Your grandma’s great, man.
Yeah, and guess what?
What?
I get to be best man.
No kidding?
Yeah, I'm so fucking excited.
Andy, there's that masked guy again.
Who the fuck is he?
He's everywhere.
Where the hell is Tom?
I remember the days when he was always at least 10 minutes early?
Yeah, BM. Before Madeleine.
Oh, come on, Andy.
Madeline's nice.
Yeah, I suppose so.
You’ve got to admit, she's kind of weird.
She's been good for Tom.
You really think so?
Sure. Don't you?
I don’t know, man. Like, fucking earrings and tattoos on his dick?
It’s not on his dick, remember?
And he always fucking smells like incense.
Come on, Andy. I mean, the kid is in love. That’s what matters.
There you go talking about love again. What do you know about it?
I... Well?
Nothing, I guess.
What the fuck is that?
It's pretty cool, isn't it?
What is this, the martian look?
I kind of like it.
Mike, you are an asshole.
How's Madeleine?
She's great.
Guess what?
More fucking tattoos?
I’m gonna ask her to marry me!
Jesus fucking Christ!
What is with you?
Well, just look at him!
First she turns him into a fucking clown, and then she tricks him into marriage!
What's next time, Tom? Lipstick.
Would you lighten up, Andy?
But...
Shit, pink fucking hair?
It's distinctive-
Distinctive?
It's a fuckin’ freak show!
Leave Tom alone!
So, when are you thinking about popping the question?
I don’t know. Pretty soon.
I think I'm gonna wait until her birthday next month.
Give me a break.
Stop it, Andy!
And what about you? You still boning Sean?
Andy, will you shut up about me boning Sean?
I just want to know what it's like, that's all.
Sheila Montrose, Sheila Montrose, Sheila Montrose!
Ouch, ouch, ouch!
Besides, how do you know that Sean isn't boning me?
Ha, that's funny.
How do you know... how do you... how...
How do you know Sean and I aren’t boning each other?
Shit.
Since when?
Just before Christmas.
Mike, you're kidding me, right?
No, Andy, I'm not kidding you. Not this time.
I wasn't going to tell you guys, but...
Do you love him?
Yeah, I think I do.
I can't believe any of this.
I don't know who I am anymore.
What's happening, sis?
Hey!
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm waiting for Carol and Jeanie.
Where’s Tom?
Out with his boyfriends.
I think you mean my boyfriend.
What? Sean?
Yup!
Who?
My roommate.
Mike?
No other.
Didn't I predict that you'd hook up with a gemini?
You did.
And I did. Big time.
How's it going?
Great.
Except he is taking it a bit more seriously than I am.
That can be hard. I know.
I keep telling him: Let’s worry about tomorrow the day after tomorrow.
Well, do you want me to do a reading for you two?
Hey, that's an idea.
Well, any time.
Oh my God.
Do you see him?
Yeah, he's everywhere.
Who do you suppose he is?
I don't know, but he’s got a nice bod.
Oh my god, Carol!
Where's she going?
Oh my gosh. Did you see that? Hi, Sean!
Hi, Jeanie!
No, what happened?
The masked guy ran past us and Carroll just started chasing him.
No way.
I swear.
God help him if she catches him.
Yeah.
Hey, listen, Maddie, where did you say Mike and those guys went?
What guys?
Oh, Tom, Mike, and Andy.
Um, I think they were going to Sat’s bar?
Speaking of guys, Jeanie, where’s yours?
Now, Sean, don't get any ideas about Roger.
He's got enough to do keeping me happy.
Selfish, selfish, selfish.
Where are you going?
I'm going to wander over to Sat’s and surprise Mike.
Oh, well come give me a hug.
And let me know if you two want a reading.
I will.
Mike?
No kidding?
No kidding.
Did you catch him, honey?
No!
Damn it, I was just about to grab his sorry ass when I tripped.
Damn it!
I tore my jeans.
Why were you even chasing him?
I think I’m bleeding...
He just pisses me off, that’s all. Running around in that mask all the time.
He's not hurting anyone.
He’s hurting me! He offends my esthetic sensibilities.
Hey, hey!
Here, let me see that-
No, it’s okay. It’s just a scrape.
Though now that bastard has my blood to answer for.
Hi babe!
So, whom shall we invite?
It's Maddie's birthday. Let her decide.
You guys, Tom...
Roger...
Sean and Mike...
Andy...
What about Sheila? Can she come?
She and Andy hate each other.
Besides, she's working nights next week.
This is the cutest Easter basket I've ever seen.
Yeah, isn't it great? Sheila gave it to me.
Ooh, what about Katie and Allen?
You know, they're just going to sit on the couch and make out all night.
That's fine.
It'll give us something to gawk at when the conversation slows.
What do you think, Maddie?
Sure. Let's invite them.
So, uh, any idea what Tom’s getting you for your birthday?
No, not sure...
You want to... you want to help me pick out the ring?
Nah, I feel like that’s probably something you should do on your own.
When are you thinking about asking her?
After the party, I think.
Damn...
Yeah.
I just want to see the look on Andy’s face.
Nah, come on, just stand in there with me.
If you really want me to.
Yeah, just a little support. - Alright.
I think I like “La Dolce Vita” best.
No, man, “8 1/2” is the best film ever made.
I have never seen it.
Really?
No.
Have you seen “Run Lola Run”?
Like, four times!
Oh, it’s great, isn’t it?
Yes, it’s so good!
I love the-
Oh.
I’m gonna go get a drink.
Well, if it isn’t Mr. Hot stuff.
Hi, Roger.
So, quite the little stud, aren’t you?
Um, whatever...
Bet you take that...
Niagara.
What?
Yeah, I think that's cheating.
What?
How you doing there, Chief?
I'm getting a hard on watching those two.
Jesus. Has she got her hand down his pants?
Yes, she does.
All right, turn off the lights.
Happy birthday to you...
Happy birthday dear Madeleine...
Happy birthday to you!
Here, Sheila said to tell you she made this for you.
That is so sweet. I wish she could have been here.
I’m gonna give you mine later, okay?
Tom, that is the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So you will?
Marry you?
Yeah.
No.
What?
No, no, no. Tom, I can't marry you.
But why not?
I... I don't know where I'll be a year from now.
I don't know who I'll be.
But I love you, Madeleine.
And we get along so well.
And the sex. The sex is so good!
Yes, it’s been wonderful and you've been wonderful, but like...
I don't believe in putting locks on the future.
But I want to spend my life with you.
Well, you’ll have to see what fate has in store.
This is not fate, Madeleine.
This is...
Just forget the cards.
Forget the stars. This is my life.
This is our... shit.
Shit.
Tom, I’m sorry-
Fuck sorry. Just fuck sorry!
Please, Tom-
No, I...
I... I...
I thought... I thought...
Happy birthday.
Oop!
Gotcha!
What?
Now, take off that mask!
You don't know how long I've been waiting for someone to say that.
Now I want you to tell me what you've been up to.
First, you have to take off your mask.
What?
That frown, that upset all the time attitude.
Fuck you!
Come on. I took off mine.
Okay,
There, that's better.
Now, will you please tell me why you’ve been making such an ass of yourself?
From childhood’s hour I have not been. As others were.
I have not seen as others saw.
I could not bring my passions from a common spring.
You like Edgar Allan Poe?
Come on, that's my life's creed.
You're really weird. You know that, right?
Yeah.
So what's with the gloomy faces, guys? Somebody die?
I don't want to talk about it.
Uh-oh. Trouble in paradise?
She won't marry me.
Really?
How come?
I don't know.
She's so weird.
Lucky escape, if you ask me.
It just fucking hurts so much.
I know how it feels.
Oh, don't tell me Sean's pulled the bone.
I invited him to the wedding to meet Mom and Daryl, and he said no.
Said he wanted to cool it.
Oh, that's awful, Mike.
He said he wants to see other guys.
Oh well...
Boo hoo.
I'm going to start dating girls again.
Oh god, Jeanie. He was so hurt.
You had no choice, hon.
I didn't want to hurt him. Just...
It’s okay, Maddie.
I’m not ready to get married.
No, you’re way too young.
Hey, Maddie.
Want me to punch him out for you?
What?
Roger, what the fuck?
Hey, I'm not afraid of him.
I'll get it.
He’s never gonna want to see me again.
Hey, girlfriends. Look what I caught.
Carol, you didn't.
I don't get it.
So, here we are.
Yep.
Look, uh, you guys are welcome to stay here and
drown your sorrows, but ol’ Andy has a date.
Really? With who?
Uh, with, uh...
Who?
With...
Sheila Montrose, if you must know.
Sheila Montrose?
Yeah, Sheila Montrose.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
May I quote the book of Andy?
“Worst mistake of my entire life.”
Look, I know she ain't the prettiest girl in
the world, but then I'm not exactly Chris Evans.
Sheila Montrose.
I can't believe you.
Listen, she has a great sense of humor, and we have a lot of fun together.
How long have you been seeing her?
Uh...
About a month?
Hey, you guys was always talking about being in love and all and...
I...
Well, I just thought I'd like to try me some of that.
Um...
I know, uh, I said some mean things, and maybe it didn't work out for you two but,
damn it, being in love has changed you guys.
You know it has.
So I figured, uh...
I had some catching up to do.
All right, all right, all right.
Leave some for Sheila.
Might be, uh, some treasure in here or something?
What's in here?
Textbooks and granola bars.
Which, honestly, better than treasure.
I say we take it.
Wait, are we going over there?