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[wolf howling]

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[wolves barking]

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[retro electronic music playing]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[audience cheering and applauding]

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[audience cheering]

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Salt Lake City!

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Thank you!

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Thank you so much.

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Thank you so much for being here.

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Me and my pants
are very excited to see you.

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Let's take stock of who's here.

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Who here is a millennial like me?

15
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- [audience cheering]
- Yes!

16
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Yes. Expensive seats. Good for you.

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Comedy is all about specifics.
So who here is an elder?

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- Elder millennial! Yes!
- [cheers and applause]

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And I like to have all different types
of people in my audience.

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So who here is Generation X?

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- [audience cheering]
- Good.

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Thank you.

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Thank you, Gen X, for MTV and...

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Back into obscurity you go.

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I believe in having a diverse audience.

26
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Who here is a baby boomer?

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[applause]

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One. Good.

29
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In the back,
so he can rest when it's dark.

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Good.

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And now for the delicious part.

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Who here is Generation Z?

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[audience cheering]

34
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They got one by himself.

35
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One by himself, not surrounded by friends.

36
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I've got you all alone.

37
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You don't look so tough
outside of a TikTok comments section.

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Well I have a message for you all

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to take back to your friends
at your vape hive.

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Generation Z, you are not nice!

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Not nice to millennials specifically.

42
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And we have had it!

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And because your generation
is a contextless one

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made up of soundbites and memes,
you need to know a little bit

45
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about the generation who came before you.

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Millennials, yes, were here first!

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- [audience cheering]
- Yes!

48
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And we've had it rough.

49
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And we got out of school
if we could afford it,

50
00:02:52,089 --> 00:02:54,424
and there were no houses
and there were no jobs,

51
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and our parents said we had to stop
eating avocados,

52
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and then we finally get old enough to
where we're having kids and buying houses.

53
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Just kidding. Still renting.

54
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And we got you coming up our fucking asses
calling us problematic.

55
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But we did not create
this mess of a society.

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Millennials did not start this fire.

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We literally don't know how glamping
was only cool for like a year.

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And you take out your anger on millennials
because we are the only other ones

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in that TikTok comments section with you.

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But millennials are not to blame.

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You are angry. We're not your parents.

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We are your older cousins who showed you

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how to smoke weed out of an apple.

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- [audience cheers]
- Yes!

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We are your bosses,

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who will give you the day off
because your fee-fees are in retrograde.

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We get it.

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Also, we're afraid of you.

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Be kind to millennials
because you don't know

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that we laid the groundwork
for everything that makes you you.

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We had the '90s first, you bitches!

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- [audience cheers]
- Yes!

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I remember the first time
Birkenstocks were fucking ugly!

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I had them!

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We gave you everything.

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We laid the groundwork
for the social media

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you make millions on.

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Never forget that millennials
walked on Myspace.

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Yes!

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On Friendster! Yes!

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We walked three seconds at a time on Vine.

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- We walked.
- [audience cheers]

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We walked on Instagram, Gen Z,
so you could run on TikTok.

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We gave you everything.

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So be kind to millennials
because we are just as angry as you are,

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but our backs hurt and we have heartburn!

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[audience cheers]

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Yes.

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Back hurts a lot more
now that I have two children.

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- [audience cheers]
- Yeah.

91
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I have two. I had a little boy.
He's eight months old.

92
00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:09,976
I had a little boy, and I always...

93
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I always like to tell audiences
that I had a boy

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because I feel like it gets the men
on my side right away.

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Men love to know,
"Another one for the team."

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They love to know
there's another boy in the world.

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They're like, "One of us." They love it.

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I'm like, I had a son.
His penis is this big!

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And that's when all the guys are like,

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"That's still pretty big,
statistically speaking!"

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"Even for an adult."

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Had a little boy. Have a little girl.

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And I can honestly tell you,
having been pregnant,

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that my least favorite part
about being pregnant...

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Now, this is a long sentence, okay?

106
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So you feel free to jump on or off
wherever you agree or disagree, okay?

107
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Having been pregnant twice,
I can tell you my least favorite part

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about being pregnant is men...

109
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I always pause there.

110
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For the lesbians. That's right.

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- [audience cheers]
- There they are.

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Oh, there's a lot of you tonight. Good.
They appreciate solid joke structure.

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They're like, "That's a good premise
and punch line rolled into one. Continue."

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The thing I like the least
about being pregnant is men

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congratulating my husband on our pregnancy

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in front of me.

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I'm sorry, there's just something
a little weird about standing there

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fully pregnant while two men shake hands
at the thought of fucking me.

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There's just something...

120
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a little too <i>Handmaid's Tale</i>
about standing there incapacitated

121
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:46,322
while two men congratulate each other
on six seconds.

122
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"Well done." There's just something...

123
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[audience cheers]

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Five seconds?

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There's just something a little
too under his eye about the whole thing.

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Men love to know
that if I'm not out there fucking,

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at least one of our own is out there
doing the Lord's work.

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They love it.

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Heterosexual men love to know
that if they can't be having sex,

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00:07:09,555 --> 00:07:11,848
one of their brothers
is out there having sex.

131
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They love to know other men are fucking.

132
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It is the gayest thing.

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They love to know.

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Oh, they get so jacked.

135
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"Oh, good to know you.
Is that your wife? Hey, nice job."

136
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"Me? I got four of my own. You bet I..."

137
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"You bet I fuck. You bet I do."

138
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"You know it.
Nothing better. Nothing better."

139
00:07:30,868 --> 00:07:33,327
"Talking three, two, one, blastoff.
Houston, we..."

140
00:07:33,328 --> 00:07:34,579
"I love it."

141
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"Nothing better. Guy shit."

142
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[imitating wolf howling]

143
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"Wolf pack. Guy stuff. Nothing better."

144
00:07:39,376 --> 00:07:41,586
"Nothing better than blasting off
in my wife,

145
00:07:41,587 --> 00:07:44,297
talking nothing better
than ejaculating into a woman."

146
00:07:44,298 --> 00:07:45,381
"Maybe..."

147
00:07:45,382 --> 00:07:48,468
"Maybe into a man.
Only tried it once, and I gotta get back."

148
00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:53,097
"Gotta get back into politics.
Talking about guy stuff. Nothing better."

149
00:07:53,098 --> 00:07:56,934
"Manly. Red, white and blue... [barks]
is the color of my junk,

150
00:07:56,935 --> 00:07:58,352
and I got to get it checked out."

151
00:07:58,353 --> 00:07:59,605
"But I don't..."

152
00:08:00,606 --> 00:08:03,482
"I don't trust the medical industrial
complex, you know what I mean?"

153
00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:05,276
"Guy stuff, right now.
You and me connecting like men."

154
00:08:05,277 --> 00:08:08,237
"Get the women out of here.
Us heterosexual men are a dying breed."

155
00:08:08,238 --> 00:08:11,115
"Talking about shit only men care about.
Don't look here, motherfucker."

156
00:08:11,116 --> 00:08:13,242
"I will goose you. Guy stuff, right now."

157
00:08:13,243 --> 00:08:15,786
"Talking about shit
only us men understand."

158
00:08:15,787 --> 00:08:18,415
Wraparound reflective sunglasses.
Things only men...

159
00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:20,625
That's right, Utah.

160
00:08:20,626 --> 00:08:23,002
Things only men understand.
Things only men do.

161
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:25,755
Holding up a dead fish
in your dating profile picture.

162
00:08:25,756 --> 00:08:27,007
Things only men do.

163
00:08:28,467 --> 00:08:29,926
Things only men do.

164
00:08:29,927 --> 00:08:32,303
Helping an absolute stranger
back out of a parking space.

165
00:08:32,304 --> 00:08:35,223
Things only men do.
Things only guys care about.

166
00:08:35,224 --> 00:08:38,852
Arguing about the accurate depiction
of Vikings and fan art on Reddit.

167
00:08:40,938 --> 00:08:42,980
Things only men care about: Reddit.

168
00:08:42,981 --> 00:08:44,483
Things only guys...

169
00:08:46,109 --> 00:08:48,486
Arguing about Christopher Nolan movies.

170
00:08:48,487 --> 00:08:52,281
Talking about which Batman wore it best.
Guy stuff. Think about things only men do.

171
00:08:52,282 --> 00:08:54,700
Push-ups in public and counting them.
Guy stuff.

172
00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:57,036
Guy time. Things only men do.

173
00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:59,748
Becoming a personal injury attorney.
Things only men do.

174
00:09:00,624 --> 00:09:01,791
Things only men struggle with.

175
00:09:01,792 --> 00:09:03,751
Maybe being a piece of shit
your whole life,

176
00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:05,753
finding out you're having a
baby and that it's a girl,

177
00:09:05,754 --> 00:09:08,798
and then, and only then,
realizing women are people too.

178
00:09:08,799 --> 00:09:11,385
Things only men struggle with.

179
00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:17,056
Boys, I'm gonna let you know right up top.

180
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I want you in my audience.
I am on your side.

181
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:21,686
So I'm gonna give you the secret
about women.

182
00:09:21,687 --> 00:09:24,230
We love you. We are obsessed with you.

183
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:26,357
Not those six lesbians who laughed earlier,

184
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but we chemically,

185
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:31,279
biologically, we cannot get enough of you.

186
00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:34,031
And we have so much time
for your bullshit.

187
00:09:34,032 --> 00:09:36,284
Women get so dumb when we love a man.

188
00:09:36,285 --> 00:09:37,827
You would meet women that are like,

189
00:09:37,828 --> 00:09:40,037
"He's going to prison for life,
but I'm gonna wait."

190
00:09:40,038 --> 00:09:41,957
Like we are so dumb.

191
00:09:42,541 --> 00:09:45,251
But the one thing no woman
finds attractive

192
00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:49,338
is your late-in-life realization that
half the population might also matter.

193
00:09:49,339 --> 00:09:53,676
The one thing no woman has time for
is you and six of your gorilla friends

194
00:09:53,677 --> 00:09:57,346
sitting around a podcast recorder
in your buddy's ADU

195
00:09:57,347 --> 00:10:00,599
like you're discovering fire,
having these epiphanies like,

196
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:05,814
"I'm gonna be honest wichu, bro.
Always thought woman was not person."

197
00:10:09,818 --> 00:10:12,069
"But then I has my baby girl,

198
00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:16,867
and that's when I know, yo,
woman is person too."

199
00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:19,076
[grunts]

200
00:10:19,077 --> 00:10:20,661
Yeah!

201
00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:22,538
"Good job."

202
00:10:22,539 --> 00:10:24,081
"Me."

203
00:10:24,082 --> 00:10:25,250
"Her."

204
00:10:26,418 --> 00:10:27,711
[grunts]

205
00:10:29,504 --> 00:10:32,007
Wearing Under Armour
when you're overweight.

206
00:10:35,344 --> 00:10:36,595
What is that boys?

207
00:10:37,429 --> 00:10:38,637
You're not working out.

208
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:40,931
You know, "running errands"
is only an expression.

209
00:10:40,932 --> 00:10:44,060
You're not actually doing cardio

210
00:10:44,061 --> 00:10:46,355
when you're waiting in line
for frozen yogurt

211
00:10:47,814 --> 00:10:51,026
in Gore-Tex, looking like you're about
to be launched into space.

212
00:10:52,194 --> 00:10:54,945
I have a little girl also, and...

213
00:10:54,946 --> 00:10:57,074
- [audience cheers]
- Thank you. Thank you.

214
00:10:58,450 --> 00:11:01,244
I'm the only woman
to ever have a daughter, thank you.

215
00:11:01,953 --> 00:11:05,247
A little girl. She's two and a half years old.
I love her so much.

216
00:11:05,248 --> 00:11:08,292
I didn't know it was possible
to love something,

217
00:11:08,293 --> 00:11:09,710
someone, this much.

218
00:11:09,711 --> 00:11:11,504
I'm so beguiled by her.

219
00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:13,964
She's so beautiful and sweet

220
00:11:13,965 --> 00:11:16,634
and pure and white.

221
00:11:16,635 --> 00:11:17,718
I just want to...

222
00:11:17,719 --> 00:11:18,803
[snorts and screams]

223
00:11:18,804 --> 00:11:19,929
Like, she's so...

224
00:11:19,930 --> 00:11:22,306
Oh, come on.
We're not that far from Park City.

225
00:11:22,307 --> 00:11:23,558
Like, come on.

226
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:25,851
You get that.

227
00:11:25,852 --> 00:11:27,813
[applause]

228
00:11:29,606 --> 00:11:31,899
I'm so in love with her.
I'm so obsessed with her.

229
00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:34,693
And people are always asking, like,
"Oh, are you gonna tell jokes?"

230
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:38,364
"You have any jokes about your kids?"
No. She's two and a half years old.

231
00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:40,658
I don't want to tell people
things about her.

232
00:11:40,659 --> 00:11:44,370
Whenever you tell people about your kids,
they're gonna think that about your kids.

233
00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:47,123
I don't share pictures
of my children on the internet.

234
00:11:47,124 --> 00:11:49,625
I keep them to myself because whatever...

235
00:11:49,626 --> 00:11:51,877
[cheers and applause]

236
00:11:51,878 --> 00:11:53,546
What am I gonna do? Vent to you?

237
00:11:53,547 --> 00:11:56,340
"Oh, my God, my daughter was being
a real bitch the other day."

238
00:11:56,341 --> 00:11:57,550
And it's a taping.

239
00:11:57,551 --> 00:12:00,094
Then for the rest of this little girl's life, people
are gonna be coming up to her like,

240
00:12:00,095 --> 00:12:02,888
"I heard you were a little monster bitch
to your mama."

241
00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:04,181
She doesn't need that.

242
00:12:04,182 --> 00:12:06,767
She's two and a half years old.
She's perfect. What am I gonna say?

243
00:12:06,768 --> 00:12:10,354
That she eats so much fruit,
it's an issue for our plumbing at home?

244
00:12:10,355 --> 00:12:11,648
Like what?

245
00:12:13,191 --> 00:12:15,401
She eats so much fruit
when she takes a dump,

246
00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:17,528
it sounds like the opening
of <i>Law & Order.</i>

247
00:12:17,529 --> 00:12:19,488
Like, "Ka-chung."

248
00:12:19,489 --> 00:12:21,866
[humming <i>Law & Order</i> theme song]

249
00:12:21,867 --> 00:12:23,869
There's been a homicide.

250
00:12:25,537 --> 00:12:27,663
I love her so much.
I'm always kissing her.

251
00:12:27,664 --> 00:12:31,041
I can never get enough squeezes and hugs.

252
00:12:31,042 --> 00:12:34,838
You know this feeling
if you have a beautiful baby

253
00:12:35,505 --> 00:12:37,632
or like a really thick cat.

254
00:12:39,551 --> 00:12:41,011
[growls]

255
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:43,804
Cat's just eating
and you're just like, "You!"

256
00:12:43,805 --> 00:12:45,182
The cat's like, "Ah!"

257
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:50,270
You have the secrets.
The cat's like, "I don't have any secrets."

258
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:53,940
"You had too much coffee.
Get your hands off of me."

259
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:57,902
I'm always kissing her, I'm
always squeezing her, I'm always hugging her.

260
00:12:57,903 --> 00:13:00,696
And my daughter's always avoiding me.

261
00:13:00,697 --> 00:13:03,908
And I'm always like, "Give me a hug."
She's like, "Mom, I'm gonna call HR."

262
00:13:03,909 --> 00:13:06,035
And I'm like, "Do it. I own the company."

263
00:13:06,036 --> 00:13:07,245
[grunts]

264
00:13:07,913 --> 00:13:09,079
But I am. I can't help it.

265
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:13,083
I'm always squeezing her little tushy
because it looks like two Hawaiian rolls,

266
00:13:13,084 --> 00:13:14,960
and I'm always biting her.

267
00:13:14,961 --> 00:13:19,089
Gentle biting, squeezing, hugging,
and she's always going over there.

268
00:13:19,090 --> 00:13:24,720
And I realize that I seek affection
from my two-year-old daughter

269
00:13:24,721 --> 00:13:28,350
the same way the creepy guy
in your office...

270
00:13:37,859 --> 00:13:39,569
seeks affection from women.

271
00:13:41,029 --> 00:13:44,574
I'm always like, "Sierra, where's my hug?"

272
00:13:51,414 --> 00:13:53,625
"Where are you going, pretty girl?"

273
00:13:56,670 --> 00:13:59,129
"Can I have a smile?
Can I have a smile?"

274
00:13:59,130 --> 00:14:00,923
"Smile for me. Can I have a kiss?"

275
00:14:00,924 --> 00:14:02,841
"No kiss. Why the fuck not?"

276
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:04,344
"Why can't I have a kiss?"

277
00:14:05,220 --> 00:14:07,346
"You're in charge of Mommy's
emotional well-being."

278
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:10,558
"Give me a kiss. Give me a kiss.
Give me a hug. Give me a fucking hug!"

279
00:14:10,559 --> 00:14:11,725
"Give me a hug."

280
00:14:11,726 --> 00:14:14,645
"I won't squeeze your tushy.
I promise. I promise."

281
00:14:14,646 --> 00:14:16,522
"I won't-- Just come here. I won't."

282
00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:18,316
"Just kidding!" Squeeze...

283
00:14:19,609 --> 00:14:20,777
the tushy.

284
00:14:21,945 --> 00:14:23,320
You have to.

285
00:14:23,321 --> 00:14:26,365
And I only share this very personal,

286
00:14:26,366 --> 00:14:31,537
very vulnerable part of my private life
with you about squeezing tushy

287
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:36,292
for, honestly, like any men
in the audience

288
00:14:36,293 --> 00:14:39,920
who have been accused
of sexual harassment, so...

289
00:14:39,921 --> 00:14:41,214
[man in audience] Whoo!

290
00:14:42,257 --> 00:14:43,592
[audience laughs]

291
00:14:55,145 --> 00:14:57,772
I just want you to know I stand with you.

292
00:14:58,648 --> 00:15:00,525
Ah! I get it now.

293
00:15:04,029 --> 00:15:05,863
Uh, and as we conclude

294
00:15:05,864 --> 00:15:09,199
the requisite pregnancy portion
of tonight's stand-up,

295
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:12,036
uh, I will tell you, well,
that was a big thing that happened.

296
00:15:12,037 --> 00:15:15,373
I will tell you, I think the hardest part
about being pregnant...

297
00:15:16,124 --> 00:15:17,833
well, honestly, is those last few hours.

298
00:15:17,834 --> 00:15:19,961
I mean, wow.

299
00:15:20,837 --> 00:15:24,131
I mean, it really takes it
out of you, literally.

300
00:15:24,132 --> 00:15:27,092
Uh, I would say it's right at the end.

301
00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:28,927
I would call it eight and a half months,

302
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:32,765
right at the end where you're not done,
but you are done.

303
00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:35,017
And you can see the finish line,

304
00:15:35,018 --> 00:15:38,729
and you're tired of it, and you're--
Fuck it, I hate to say it-- bored.

305
00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:41,023
I know. It's such an amazing,
gorgeous... God.

306
00:15:41,024 --> 00:15:44,026
It's boring!
And you're there, and you're huge.

307
00:15:44,027 --> 00:15:46,695
And you don't want to do anything.
You want to be done with it.

308
00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:48,197
And it's easy to do nothing.

309
00:15:48,198 --> 00:15:53,578
It's easy to just sequester yourself
in a dark room like a beached walrus

310
00:15:54,704 --> 00:15:56,830
just laying there like, "More fish!"

311
00:15:56,831 --> 00:15:58,792
[audience laughs]

312
00:16:08,843 --> 00:16:10,219
And I was so uncomfortable,

313
00:16:10,220 --> 00:16:13,889
and I was like, "Okay, I'm uncomfortable,
but what do I still have control over?"

314
00:16:13,890 --> 00:16:16,266
"Just because I'm about to become
someone else's mother

315
00:16:16,267 --> 00:16:18,227
doesn't mean I have to give up
all of who I am."

316
00:16:18,228 --> 00:16:22,106
"So what can I do at 2,000 pounds
at eight and a half months pregnant?"

317
00:16:22,107 --> 00:16:24,733
"What can I do?
Okay, well, I can still work out."

318
00:16:24,734 --> 00:16:28,153
So I did that. I'm still gonna work out.
I'm still gonna do stand-up, right?

319
00:16:28,154 --> 00:16:30,824
I'm still gonna drink.
I'm not gonna like, "Oh..."

320
00:16:33,576 --> 00:16:36,412
Oh, I can't have a daiquiri because,
like, you need eyes?

321
00:16:36,413 --> 00:16:37,914
Like, "Uh..." right?

322
00:16:39,541 --> 00:16:41,084
Check your privilege.

323
00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:45,505
Check your fucking ocular privilege.

324
00:16:47,298 --> 00:16:49,675
No, you shouldn't drink
when you're pregnant.

325
00:16:49,676 --> 00:16:50,719
Well...

326
00:16:52,262 --> 00:16:53,763
I'm not a doctor.

327
00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:56,390
I'm not not a doctor.

328
00:16:56,391 --> 00:16:59,268
Are you like me, where you feel
if there were no medical personnel

329
00:16:59,269 --> 00:17:01,937
in an emergency,
you would be someone's next best bet

330
00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:04,022
because you paid a lot of attention
to <i>ER</i> reruns.

331
00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:05,108
Like, I feel like...

332
00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:09,111
No, I'm not a doctor, but I will say,
and I'm pretty sure

333
00:17:09,112 --> 00:17:10,863
most medical personnel would agree with this,

334
00:17:10,864 --> 00:17:13,741
at eight and a half months pregnant,
if you have a healthy baby

335
00:17:13,742 --> 00:17:15,659
and you're healthy and
you've done everything right

336
00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:17,661
and you want to have half a beer

337
00:17:17,662 --> 00:17:21,165
to feel like a fucking human,
you can have half a beer.

338
00:17:21,166 --> 00:17:23,126
Okay? You can have a beer.

339
00:17:23,918 --> 00:17:26,295
Nothing's happening
at eight and a half months

340
00:17:26,296 --> 00:17:29,339
that was so important
it didn't get done already, okay?

341
00:17:29,340 --> 00:17:30,758
I don't know what you're waiting for.

342
00:17:30,759 --> 00:17:32,551
At eight and a half months,
all that kid is doing

343
00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:35,430
is learning to take advantage
of your generous hospitality.

344
00:17:37,098 --> 00:17:39,224
At eight and a half months, you're like,
"Get out of there."

345
00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:41,518
The kid's like, "Fuck you, Mom.
Squatters rights."

346
00:17:41,519 --> 00:17:42,729
He's just in there...

347
00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:46,482
smoking weed, listening to Rush.

348
00:17:46,483 --> 00:17:49,861
He's not doing anything.

349
00:17:50,862 --> 00:17:53,363
Eight and a half months,
nothing's happening, okay?

350
00:17:53,364 --> 00:17:56,367
I promise you,
at eight and a half months, like...

351
00:17:57,202 --> 00:18:00,455
Like, if your kid doesn't have hands
at eight and a half months...

352
00:18:08,671 --> 00:18:10,088
he ain't getting hands.

353
00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:11,424
That's the punch line.

354
00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:14,092
I don't know what you're waiting on.

355
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:15,385
They're not like fruit,

356
00:18:15,386 --> 00:18:18,139
where it's the last thing
to grow on the tree, like...

357
00:18:22,519 --> 00:18:26,605
I think people really underestimate a lot
about genetics and science and pure luck.

358
00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:28,816
At eight and a half months,
you've done all you can do.

359
00:18:28,817 --> 00:18:30,484
It doesn't matter all your good thoughts,

360
00:18:30,485 --> 00:18:33,654
or how many essential oils
you eat or sell.

361
00:18:33,655 --> 00:18:35,739
This feels like that kind of city. Uh...

362
00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:37,324
[audience cheers]

363
00:18:37,325 --> 00:18:39,035
It doesn't matter.

364
00:18:41,204 --> 00:18:44,081
Conversely, there are plenty of people
who are born early.

365
00:18:44,082 --> 00:18:47,000
And they're totally fine.
There is a lot of luck involved.

366
00:18:47,001 --> 00:18:50,045
There are plenty of people who are born
prematurely and they're doing great.

367
00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:52,798
Who here was born early
and you're doing okay? Raise your hands.

368
00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:54,591
- Raise your hands if you were born early.
- [applause]

369
00:18:54,592 --> 00:18:56,927
Can't see your hands
because they're so small.

370
00:18:56,928 --> 00:18:59,179
- But you get the...
- [audience laughs]

371
00:18:59,180 --> 00:19:00,722
Gotcha.

372
00:19:00,723 --> 00:19:04,477
You think twice before participating next
time with your tiny little baby hands.

373
00:19:05,436 --> 00:19:06,980
[whimpers]

374
00:19:11,401 --> 00:19:14,111
And I will tell you, for me,

375
00:19:14,112 --> 00:19:17,447
one of the scariest parts
about having a child,

376
00:19:17,448 --> 00:19:19,492
besides being in charge of a life,

377
00:19:20,285 --> 00:19:22,452
is what it did to me mentally.

378
00:19:22,453 --> 00:19:25,455
When you have a baby,
as a woman, you become...

379
00:19:25,456 --> 00:19:27,207
How do I put this scientifically?

380
00:19:27,208 --> 00:19:29,294
Um, fucking dumb.

381
00:19:30,712 --> 00:19:32,754
Now, you were reserved in your laughter.

382
00:19:32,755 --> 00:19:36,341
You were reticent to laugh because
we're not supposed to make fun of mothers.

383
00:19:36,342 --> 00:19:38,594
Who here's a mother?
Raise your hand. Yeah.

384
00:19:38,595 --> 00:19:40,554
- [audience cheers]
- There you go. Bunch of idiots right here.

385
00:19:40,555 --> 00:19:43,599
They understand what it's like
when you have a baby.

386
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:45,434
They call it mom brain, right?

387
00:19:45,435 --> 00:19:47,853
They call it moo mind.
You don't know what's going on

388
00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:51,857
and it's not your fault. I'm here to tell you
it's not because you're selfish or myopic.

389
00:19:51,858 --> 00:19:55,111
It is because when you have a baby,
your brain shrinks.

390
00:19:55,737 --> 00:19:58,363
Your brain medically, chemically,

391
00:19:58,364 --> 00:20:00,449
biologically shrinks.

392
00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:02,784
It's not a part of your brain
that you were gonna use.

393
00:20:02,785 --> 00:20:05,120
It's just a part of your brain that you needed
to remember how to operate

394
00:20:05,121 --> 00:20:08,081
a motor vehicle, remember dates, names,
times, places, what a turn signal is.

395
00:20:08,082 --> 00:20:09,459
That part is gone.

396
00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:15,005
Just so you know, it's the reason
your mom sounds like a mom.

397
00:20:15,006 --> 00:20:17,174
Her brain has shrunken. I'm sorry.

398
00:20:17,175 --> 00:20:20,427
It's the reason your mom confuses
you and your brother's name.

399
00:20:20,428 --> 00:20:23,180
It's the reason your mom can't remember.

400
00:20:23,181 --> 00:20:25,557
And it's the reason
she doesn't know lyrics to songs.

401
00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:27,517
It's the reason my mother

402
00:20:27,518 --> 00:20:30,604
once referred to John Krasinski as,

403
00:20:30,605 --> 00:20:33,399
"Oh, who's that Polish actor I love?"

404
00:20:37,070 --> 00:20:39,864
She's operating at half capacity.

405
00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:43,325
I feel like women are cackling at this
and men are like,

406
00:20:43,326 --> 00:20:45,535
"There's no way.
We'd better ask Joe Rogan."

407
00:20:45,536 --> 00:20:46,620
"There's no way."

408
00:20:46,621 --> 00:20:48,206
[audience laughs]

409
00:20:49,916 --> 00:20:52,293
"There's no way she knows a brain fact."

410
00:20:53,169 --> 00:20:56,380
"There's no way she has access
to brain facts about her own brain."

411
00:20:56,381 --> 00:20:59,424
'Tis true. Your brain shrinks,
and it's not for nothing.

412
00:20:59,425 --> 00:21:02,928
Your brain shrinks to make way for a part
of your brain that actually gets larger,

413
00:21:02,929 --> 00:21:05,263
and that is the part that knows
how to reflexively care for a child.

414
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:08,809
Those are your mama bear instincts.
That's the eyes in the back of your head.

415
00:21:08,810 --> 00:21:12,688
That part is, engorge,
but that part is what you need to know

416
00:21:12,689 --> 00:21:14,731
how to anticipate the needs of a child.

417
00:21:14,732 --> 00:21:17,734
For example, my daughter will never fall.

418
00:21:17,735 --> 00:21:19,987
Not on my watch! She's not falling.

419
00:21:19,988 --> 00:21:22,239
She could be in the other room
and I'm in the kitchen doing dishes,

420
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:24,783
and I'll be like, "Gravitational shift.
She's falling!"

421
00:21:24,784 --> 00:21:26,493
[exhaling rapidly]

422
00:21:26,494 --> 00:21:28,328
Ah. Ah, I gotcha.

423
00:21:28,329 --> 00:21:29,664
I gotcha.

424
00:21:30,331 --> 00:21:31,331
[exhales]

425
00:21:31,332 --> 00:21:33,001
[audience cheers]

426
00:21:39,340 --> 00:21:40,717
What was your name?

427
00:21:44,429 --> 00:21:45,763
Who are you?

428
00:21:49,892 --> 00:21:52,102
And I will tell you honestly,

429
00:21:52,103 --> 00:21:55,522
it's very scary to have that mom brain
because I'm a comedian.

430
00:21:55,523 --> 00:21:56,732
I speak for a living.

431
00:21:56,733 --> 00:22:00,110
I cannot come out here
and deliver half of a punch line.

432
00:22:00,111 --> 00:22:01,486
You came here for a show.

433
00:22:01,487 --> 00:22:05,073
I can't come out and be like,
"I was gonna say something and I forgot."

434
00:22:05,074 --> 00:22:06,116
"I forgot."

435
00:22:06,117 --> 00:22:09,578
And it's scary because not only do you
forget stuff, but there's a softening.

436
00:22:09,579 --> 00:22:11,413
You're this mom and you're a warrior,

437
00:22:11,414 --> 00:22:13,498
and you would do anything
to protect your kid.

438
00:22:13,499 --> 00:22:17,627
But the rest of the time,
you are the soft underbelly of a hamster.

439
00:22:17,628 --> 00:22:21,048
The rest of the time,
your sense of humor gets weird.

440
00:22:21,049 --> 00:22:22,215
I can't have that.

441
00:22:22,216 --> 00:22:24,718
I can't be on a podcast
with a bunch of comics,

442
00:22:24,719 --> 00:22:27,220
and they're all chopping it up,
getting new fans,

443
00:22:27,221 --> 00:22:29,723
zingers, and they're all funny,
and I'm sitting there like,

444
00:22:29,724 --> 00:22:33,311
"I was gonna make a joke,
but then I got scared, and..."

445
00:22:34,353 --> 00:22:38,316
"I saw this video. Look, it's a mouse
wearing a strawberry for a hat."

446
00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:43,071
"I hope he gets home safe,
but his Tinder..."

447
00:22:44,030 --> 00:22:46,866
"Double tap. How do I log into my email?"

448
00:22:52,038 --> 00:22:54,873
It's scary and it's sad

449
00:22:54,874 --> 00:22:58,001
because you start laughing
at things that aren't funny, right?

450
00:22:58,002 --> 00:23:00,545
And I don't mean
like someone falling down the stairs.

451
00:23:00,546 --> 00:23:04,508
I mean, like, "Look, there's me.
A raccoon fell into a pumpkin."

452
00:23:04,509 --> 00:23:07,929
"And now what's he gonna do?
It's the holidays."

453
00:23:09,555 --> 00:23:10,681
It's scary.

454
00:23:11,349 --> 00:23:12,974
It's scary and it's embarrassing

455
00:23:12,975 --> 00:23:15,268
to laugh at things
that aren't funny or that are hacky.

456
00:23:15,269 --> 00:23:17,688
Period, new paragraph, indention.

457
00:23:19,816 --> 00:23:23,527
My husband and I were taking a shower
the other day, and...

458
00:23:23,528 --> 00:23:25,029
[audience whoops]

459
00:23:27,281 --> 00:23:28,699
Thank you.

460
00:23:30,159 --> 00:23:32,035
Just wanted to let you know
we're doing well.

461
00:23:32,036 --> 00:23:33,287
We own a shower.

462
00:23:35,206 --> 00:23:37,249
I misspoke. I was taking a shower.

463
00:23:37,250 --> 00:23:40,168
My husband was shivering
in the corner of the shower.

464
00:23:40,169 --> 00:23:41,671
[audience cheers]

465
00:23:46,884 --> 00:23:48,511
"When will it be my turn?"

466
00:23:49,470 --> 00:23:53,390
You keep following us in there, boys,
we're gonna do that to you every time.

467
00:23:53,391 --> 00:23:57,018
Gonna get relegated
to shower Siberia every time.

468
00:23:57,019 --> 00:23:58,103
That's what you get.

469
00:23:58,104 --> 00:24:00,438
I'm trying to take a shower,
and your husband's always like,

470
00:24:00,439 --> 00:24:01,523
"Oh, can I come in?"

471
00:24:01,524 --> 00:24:04,901
You're like, "Sure, this will be different
than every other time."

472
00:24:04,902 --> 00:24:05,819
"Come on in."

473
00:24:05,820 --> 00:24:08,905
Six years of marriage later,
it's totally gonna be different.

474
00:24:08,906 --> 00:24:12,367
Come on in. He's like, "Here I come."
You're like, "Okay, are you in? Good."

475
00:24:12,368 --> 00:24:15,245
"Will you shut the shower door?
Are you in? Are you a little damp? Good."

476
00:24:15,246 --> 00:24:17,039
"My cousin is such a bitch!"

477
00:24:17,999 --> 00:24:19,458
[audience laughs]

478
00:24:21,794 --> 00:24:23,337
He's just in the corner.

479
00:24:29,302 --> 00:24:34,849
What do you think is gonna happen?
That we're gonna have shower sex over 40?

480
00:24:35,683 --> 00:24:37,100
What?

481
00:24:37,101 --> 00:24:42,815
Even in your 30s-- No one over 25
is attempting or having shower sex.

482
00:24:44,108 --> 00:24:45,193
Why?

483
00:24:45,860 --> 00:24:47,319
Why do you want that?

484
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:51,824
You're so horny you can't walk
ten feet to the bed?

485
00:24:52,658 --> 00:24:57,078
Fifteen in a big house.
Like, you can't put some carpet down?

486
00:24:57,079 --> 00:24:59,206
You can't make it. Who would want this?

487
00:24:59,207 --> 00:25:03,460
What man, if, given his druthers
for fantasy sex, has ever been like,

488
00:25:03,461 --> 00:25:08,298
"Okay, first, I need a wet piece
of granite and I'm gonna stand on it."

489
00:25:08,299 --> 00:25:11,801
"I need slick marble
that I can balance on,

490
00:25:11,802 --> 00:25:14,721
simultaneously pulling both Achilles,

491
00:25:14,722 --> 00:25:18,016
and I want to hold up another human

492
00:25:18,017 --> 00:25:19,893
as I balance

493
00:25:19,894 --> 00:25:23,271
while she complains
that she feels ugly and she's cold."

494
00:25:23,272 --> 00:25:25,983
"This is what gets me going."

495
00:25:27,109 --> 00:25:28,653
[audience cheers]

496
00:25:33,699 --> 00:25:35,909
All the lube to get washed away

497
00:25:35,910 --> 00:25:38,871
while lauryl sulfate
just drips into my eyes.

498
00:25:39,580 --> 00:25:41,331
This is how I like to fuck.

499
00:25:41,332 --> 00:25:42,500
Why...

500
00:25:44,085 --> 00:25:47,128
No couple has ever left the shower

501
00:25:47,129 --> 00:25:50,298
after shower sex
and both of them be like,

502
00:25:50,299 --> 00:25:54,720
"Wow, we were both totally comfortable
and warm the whole time."

503
00:25:55,930 --> 00:25:57,765
"That was outstanding."

504
00:26:00,810 --> 00:26:04,689
So it was my husband's turn at the water.

505
00:26:06,524 --> 00:26:09,819
Only because I had a hair mask.
I was like, "You got two minutes."

506
00:26:12,238 --> 00:26:14,991
It's like a prison shower.
He's like, "Yes, right away."

507
00:26:17,785 --> 00:26:19,869
Speaking of my husband,

508
00:26:19,870 --> 00:26:21,580
washing his body,

509
00:26:22,164 --> 00:26:23,499
he dropped...

510
00:26:24,417 --> 00:26:25,625
the soap.

511
00:26:25,626 --> 00:26:27,127
[audience laughs and cheers]

512
00:26:27,128 --> 00:26:30,131
Okay, so you're laughing at that.

513
00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:32,173
It's a hacky joke.

514
00:26:32,174 --> 00:26:35,260
I don't mean to shame you,
but it's a hacky joke.

515
00:26:35,261 --> 00:26:37,595
And as a comic, I know better.

516
00:26:37,596 --> 00:26:40,474
I laughed so fucking hard.

517
00:26:42,143 --> 00:26:45,729
And my husband judged me and shamed me.
He was like, "Really?"

518
00:26:45,730 --> 00:26:48,273
"You're laughing
at a 'don't drop the soap' joke?"

519
00:26:48,274 --> 00:26:51,235
I thought about it. I got back in
the warm water and I thought about it...

520
00:26:52,903 --> 00:26:54,654
for 45 minutes.

521
00:26:54,655 --> 00:26:56,740
I... No, we don't waste water.

522
00:26:56,741 --> 00:26:58,199
Uh, I thought about it.

523
00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:01,495
[clears throat]
The "don't drop the soap" joke

524
00:27:02,288 --> 00:27:04,914
is the last remaining vestige

525
00:27:04,915 --> 00:27:07,168
of homophobic comedy

526
00:27:07,877 --> 00:27:09,086
that we,

527
00:27:09,712 --> 00:27:10,671
as a nation,

528
00:27:12,131 --> 00:27:13,548
have just decided

529
00:27:13,549 --> 00:27:15,343
we're gonna go ahead and keep.

530
00:27:17,261 --> 00:27:21,348
We have come so far in terms
of understanding sexuality as a spectrum.

531
00:27:21,349 --> 00:27:25,268
People have pronouns, LGBTQIA,
we added LMNOP.

532
00:27:25,269 --> 00:27:27,228
It's inclusive, we get it.

533
00:27:27,229 --> 00:27:29,647
Gay flag is everywhere, right on.

534
00:27:29,648 --> 00:27:32,859
But someone somewhere drops a bar of soap,

535
00:27:32,860 --> 00:27:35,528
and we are the first ones to be like,

536
00:27:35,529 --> 00:27:39,699
"Don't drop the soap!"

537
00:27:39,700 --> 00:27:41,744
[audience applauds]

538
00:27:47,500 --> 00:27:49,502
You drop it... Yeah.

539
00:27:50,795 --> 00:27:54,215
Yeah, or someone's gonna
fuck you in the asshole...

540
00:28:02,223 --> 00:28:04,141
in your own home.

541
00:28:08,479 --> 00:28:09,897
Love of my life.

542
00:28:12,149 --> 00:28:15,610
Follow us into that shower.
Guys do not care. They do not care.

543
00:28:15,611 --> 00:28:18,071
It doesn't matter
how you're feeling as a woman,

544
00:28:18,072 --> 00:28:21,908
because guys don't give a fuck
what you look like.

545
00:28:21,909 --> 00:28:23,076
You could be--

546
00:28:23,077 --> 00:28:26,831
"I'm so-- I have COVID
in my butt and in my mouth."

547
00:28:27,957 --> 00:28:29,124
"And it's just--"

548
00:28:29,125 --> 00:28:31,835
"And I have hand, foot and mouth,
and I just..."

549
00:28:31,836 --> 00:28:33,795
"Oops, oops, my leg fell off."

550
00:28:33,796 --> 00:28:35,172
"I guess I'll just..."

551
00:28:35,798 --> 00:28:38,383
"Okay, I don't feel well.
I'll just get the shower."

552
00:28:38,384 --> 00:28:40,427
Your husband's like,
"Oh good, you can't fight me off."

553
00:28:40,428 --> 00:28:42,011
And they will just follow you in.

554
00:28:42,012 --> 00:28:44,347
You're like, "I don't know.
My body feels so gross."

555
00:28:44,348 --> 00:28:46,307
"I just had this baby."
He's like, "Another one won't kill you."

556
00:28:46,308 --> 00:28:48,226
"Here we go." They don't care.

557
00:28:48,227 --> 00:28:49,811
They will chase you in there.

558
00:28:49,812 --> 00:28:55,400
And it makes you realize just how little
a woman actually has to do

559
00:28:55,401 --> 00:28:57,652
to turn a man on.

560
00:28:57,653 --> 00:28:59,571
- [audience cheers]
- That's right.

561
00:28:59,572 --> 00:29:02,783
All the women cheering for that
are my age or older.

562
00:29:03,701 --> 00:29:06,453
All the girls in their 20s are like,
"I don't understand."

563
00:29:06,454 --> 00:29:07,954
[in elderly voice] Let me tell you.

564
00:29:07,955 --> 00:29:10,291
[in normal voice] Once you understand

565
00:29:11,417 --> 00:29:13,334
that for the average man,

566
00:29:13,335 --> 00:29:15,712
the bar is set so low
the limit does not exist.

567
00:29:15,713 --> 00:29:21,093
Girls, you are going to save
so much money at Sephora.

568
00:29:22,761 --> 00:29:26,389
And you are going to spend
so much less money on therapy.

569
00:29:26,390 --> 00:29:30,143
Once you understand that
for the average guy, they don't care.

570
00:29:30,144 --> 00:29:33,480
Think of all the times, girls,
you have done the most hair,

571
00:29:33,481 --> 00:29:35,732
makeup, skin, nails, feet.

572
00:29:35,733 --> 00:29:39,027
And he showed up in flip-flops!

573
00:29:39,028 --> 00:29:40,196
Think...

574
00:29:40,905 --> 00:29:43,781
of all the times you've gotten ready
and you've looked perfect.

575
00:29:43,782 --> 00:29:47,327
And on the way out, you're like,
"Oh, my God, I've got armpit stubble."

576
00:29:47,328 --> 00:29:50,164
"Oh, my God, I'd better dry-shave it
in the hallway!"

577
00:29:50,956 --> 00:29:53,917
What, now you're on a date with fire pits?
Like, "Hi, Ryan."

578
00:29:53,918 --> 00:29:55,335
Like, he's gonna...

579
00:29:55,336 --> 00:29:58,046
You think he would put himself
through that for the date?

580
00:29:58,047 --> 00:30:00,590
No, he doesn't care.
He didn't get ready for that date.

581
00:30:00,591 --> 00:30:03,177
Homeboy picked you up for your date
in a Saturn.

582
00:30:07,097 --> 00:30:10,643
I know. I heard some boos.
Some guys don't like that joke. I know.

583
00:30:11,435 --> 00:30:13,770
I see you. I see your little
obstinate arm crossed.

584
00:30:13,771 --> 00:30:16,273
They're like,
"Okay, Saturn. It was a classic."

585
00:30:19,485 --> 00:30:22,071
"That Saturn Vue was a limited edition."

586
00:30:23,531 --> 00:30:25,199
"It had a digital ashtray,"

587
00:30:26,450 --> 00:30:30,203
And this is where all the women will say,
"But we have to do these things."

588
00:30:30,204 --> 00:30:31,538
"It's Western standards."

589
00:30:31,539 --> 00:30:33,998
"We're forced to participate
in these systems."

590
00:30:33,999 --> 00:30:35,542
"It's the patriarchy."

591
00:30:35,543 --> 00:30:38,294
Girls, we have to stop
saying "patriarchy."

592
00:30:38,295 --> 00:30:40,088
It's dated, it's annoying.

593
00:30:40,089 --> 00:30:43,299
And I'm gonna tell you
why we have to stop saying "patriarchy."

594
00:30:43,300 --> 00:30:46,386
You've literally never heard

595
00:30:46,387 --> 00:30:50,640
a woman say the word "patriarchy"
and thought to yourself,

596
00:30:50,641 --> 00:30:53,518
"Oh, I can't wait to hear
what else she has to say."

597
00:30:53,519 --> 00:30:54,603
So...

598
00:30:55,813 --> 00:30:57,314
we need better language.

599
00:30:58,774 --> 00:31:00,316
Some men are good men.

600
00:31:00,317 --> 00:31:03,152
It's not the patriarchy.
It's bigger than that, sister.

601
00:31:03,153 --> 00:31:05,530
I got news for you. It's the world.

602
00:31:05,531 --> 00:31:06,990
It's the internet.

603
00:31:06,991 --> 00:31:11,286
Wanting women to feel bad about themselves
so someone can sell you

604
00:31:11,287 --> 00:31:15,456
cheap hyaluronic acid
in a gallon of water and bad plastic.

605
00:31:15,457 --> 00:31:20,086
It's the internet operating
on a currency of female insecurities.

606
00:31:20,087 --> 00:31:23,756
If people can make you feel bad
about the way that you are naturally,

607
00:31:23,757 --> 00:31:27,510
then they can serve you targeted ads,
and you will buy garbage.

608
00:31:27,511 --> 00:31:31,055
That's what the internet wants:
to sell you lotion, body cream,

609
00:31:31,056 --> 00:31:34,601
fucking glitter, lip gloss
for your asshole.

610
00:31:34,602 --> 00:31:36,228
They want to just sell you...

611
00:31:37,479 --> 00:31:39,731
That was a joke, but it is a great idea.

612
00:31:39,732 --> 00:31:41,817
[audience laughs and cheers]

613
00:31:43,861 --> 00:31:46,237
Butthole lip gloss.
We call it "blip gloss."

614
00:31:46,238 --> 00:31:47,531
Like, I...

615
00:31:48,699 --> 00:31:50,199
I'm gonna be the first to market.

616
00:31:50,200 --> 00:31:53,036
I'm gonna be like, "Hey, Sharks,
do I have an idea for you."

617
00:31:53,037 --> 00:31:54,663
[audience cheers]

618
00:31:58,334 --> 00:32:02,171
"I'm here seeking a 30% stake
in my company."

619
00:32:03,088 --> 00:32:04,547
"Lip gloss for your asshole."

620
00:32:04,548 --> 00:32:08,009
I would be sealing everything with a kiss.

621
00:32:08,010 --> 00:32:09,177
Everything.

622
00:32:09,178 --> 00:32:10,804
Holiday cards.

623
00:32:11,513 --> 00:32:13,098
Birthday cards.

624
00:32:14,308 --> 00:32:16,225
Housewarming cards.

625
00:32:16,226 --> 00:32:17,727
New Year's Eve. Everything.

626
00:32:17,728 --> 00:32:20,730
And people would be like,
"Oh, my God, is this scratch and sniff?"

627
00:32:20,731 --> 00:32:22,608
I'd be like, "Try it." I would be...

628
00:32:24,276 --> 00:32:26,361
And they would.
They'd be like, "Is that strawberry?"

629
00:32:26,362 --> 00:32:28,405
I'd be like, "It probably was."

630
00:32:30,240 --> 00:32:31,908
The internet wants you to believe

631
00:32:31,909 --> 00:32:35,703
that you are not good enough
so that you can feel bad about yourself,

632
00:32:35,704 --> 00:32:38,706
and then a lesser type of guy
has a shot at you.

633
00:32:38,707 --> 00:32:40,500
That's the whole fucking scam.

634
00:32:40,501 --> 00:32:43,878
The internet would have you believe
you're not enough, and that you're not worthy,

635
00:32:43,879 --> 00:32:46,881
and that a real man wants a woman
who's nervous, no opinions of her own.

636
00:32:46,882 --> 00:32:49,801
Flatfoot, barefoot in a kitchen,
referring to her husband as "my king."

637
00:32:49,802 --> 00:32:52,053
This might not have been the right city
to tell that joke in.

638
00:32:52,054 --> 00:32:54,681
But still, the internet...

639
00:32:54,682 --> 00:32:56,517
[audience cheers]

640
00:33:02,815 --> 00:33:05,775
The internet lies.
Go out in the real world, girls.

641
00:33:05,776 --> 00:33:09,112
Real men are not afraid of real women.

642
00:33:09,113 --> 00:33:10,780
That's the God's honest truth.

643
00:33:10,781 --> 00:33:12,157
There you go.

644
00:33:14,827 --> 00:33:19,539
Real men like a woman with a little bit
of thigh meat and an education.

645
00:33:19,540 --> 00:33:20,791
I promise you.

646
00:33:22,292 --> 00:33:23,502
Yeah.

647
00:33:25,879 --> 00:33:28,131
It could even be like
a communications degree.

648
00:33:28,132 --> 00:33:29,883
Just something that shows...

649
00:33:31,343 --> 00:33:32,510
that you went.

650
00:33:32,511 --> 00:33:34,679
My heroes are the women
that laugh at that joke,

651
00:33:34,680 --> 00:33:36,014
even though it hurts.

652
00:33:37,349 --> 00:33:39,559
Those are my heroes,
the women that are like,

653
00:33:39,560 --> 00:33:41,603
"I don't even remember what I studied."

654
00:33:42,521 --> 00:33:43,814
"I'm in so much debt."

655
00:33:45,441 --> 00:33:48,568
This is not about being mean to men.

656
00:33:48,569 --> 00:33:52,155
This is about empowering women,
and this is about us as women realizing

657
00:33:52,156 --> 00:33:54,240
how much you have denied yourself

658
00:33:54,241 --> 00:33:57,410
because of this puritanical view
of what a woman should be.

659
00:33:57,411 --> 00:33:59,871
All the times you wanted
to eat that extra wing,

660
00:33:59,872 --> 00:34:02,415
or wear that bikini
even though you felt thick,

661
00:34:02,416 --> 00:34:04,292
or go out without shaving your legs,

662
00:34:04,293 --> 00:34:06,294
think of all the uninhibited

663
00:34:06,295 --> 00:34:09,380
monkey sex we could be having, girls...

664
00:34:09,381 --> 00:34:10,924
[audience cheers]

665
00:34:12,301 --> 00:34:15,261
...if we weren't beholden
to this biblically steeped version

666
00:34:15,262 --> 00:34:16,596
of what a woman is.

667
00:34:16,597 --> 00:34:18,681
Think of all the fun we could be having.

668
00:34:18,682 --> 00:34:21,517
Think of all the times you've looked great
and you're like, "No."

669
00:34:21,518 --> 00:34:24,145
And your partner's like,
"Let's have sex in the shower."

670
00:34:24,146 --> 00:34:25,980
And you're like, "No, I feel so gross."

671
00:34:25,981 --> 00:34:29,150
"I'm so gross, I'm so gross and sweaty
because I went outside."

672
00:34:29,151 --> 00:34:32,528
"I'm a monster.
Oh, my God, I'm so sweaty."

673
00:34:32,529 --> 00:34:35,031
"Isn't it disgusting that I have
a functioning endocrine system?"

674
00:34:35,032 --> 00:34:37,700
"I know. I should keep it in. I'm sorr--"

675
00:34:37,701 --> 00:34:40,077
Your partner doesn't care.
You're like, "I'm disgusting."

676
00:34:40,078 --> 00:34:42,705
He's like, "Sit on my face!
I will Venmo you!"

677
00:34:42,706 --> 00:34:44,291
They don't care.

678
00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:46,292
[audience cheers]

679
00:34:46,293 --> 00:34:48,669
He's like, "It's true. Do it right now."

680
00:34:48,670 --> 00:34:49,837
They don't care.

681
00:34:49,838 --> 00:34:53,132
"No, I'm so greasy and bloated

682
00:34:53,133 --> 00:34:54,717
because I fed myself dinner."

683
00:34:54,718 --> 00:34:57,178
"No, I'm so disgusting."

684
00:34:57,179 --> 00:35:00,306
And he's just like,
"Jesus Christ, Jessica, shit on my chest!"

685
00:35:00,307 --> 00:35:01,516
"I will Cash App you."

686
00:35:01,517 --> 00:35:03,060
They don't care.

687
00:35:09,608 --> 00:35:10,566
Guys don't care.

688
00:35:10,567 --> 00:35:13,736
And I wish I knew how little
they cared in my 20s,

689
00:35:13,737 --> 00:35:17,156
because I wouldn't have flat ironed
my hair so much.

690
00:35:17,157 --> 00:35:18,115
I don't...

691
00:35:18,116 --> 00:35:21,452
No man has ever been like,
"Yeah, but can you make it straighter?"

692
00:35:21,453 --> 00:35:22,579
Like...

693
00:35:23,497 --> 00:35:25,414
"I want to make out with Tom Petty."

694
00:35:25,415 --> 00:35:27,291
Like, I would never...

695
00:35:27,292 --> 00:35:29,877
Especially men in their 20s.

696
00:35:29,878 --> 00:35:35,175
Like, a 25-year-old guy would have sex
with a warmed-up bag of pudding...

697
00:35:38,971 --> 00:35:40,888
between two couch cushions.

698
00:35:40,889 --> 00:35:43,392
[audience laughs and cheers]

699
00:35:48,814 --> 00:35:50,022
I do have to say,

700
00:35:50,023 --> 00:35:54,611
I wrote that joke a year before
anyone knew who JD Vance was.

701
00:35:58,615 --> 00:36:01,075
And I also want to say,

702
00:36:01,076 --> 00:36:04,829
the only reason every man
in this room is not laughing,

703
00:36:04,830 --> 00:36:07,666
I think, is because
they're all still thinking like...

704
00:36:08,500 --> 00:36:10,918
"I never thought
about warming it up before."

705
00:36:10,919 --> 00:36:12,462
[audience laughs]

706
00:36:15,674 --> 00:36:16,717
"Whoa."

707
00:36:17,801 --> 00:36:19,385
There's always a couple of old-timers:

708
00:36:19,386 --> 00:36:22,639
"Don't put it in the microwave too long.
You burn your pee-pee."

709
00:36:28,812 --> 00:36:30,146
We do all of these things.

710
00:36:30,147 --> 00:36:32,398
We jump over all these hurdles
to be attractive.

711
00:36:32,399 --> 00:36:36,485
And the sad, God's honest truth is
that when a man first likes a woman,

712
00:36:36,486 --> 00:36:38,529
it actually has nothing to do with her.

713
00:36:38,530 --> 00:36:42,742
When a guy first sees a girl,
he looks at her with his reptilian brain

714
00:36:42,743 --> 00:36:46,162
and he just thinks for a second,
he sees her and he scans her real quick.

715
00:36:46,163 --> 00:36:49,791
He's like, "Okay, is she symmetrical?
No, but I'm a six, so that's fine."

716
00:36:50,751 --> 00:36:53,544
This happens in a matter
of seconds, milliseconds.

717
00:36:53,545 --> 00:36:56,672
He's like, "But she smells like vanilla
and reminds me of my mom, hello!"

718
00:36:56,673 --> 00:36:57,883
Okay, and they will...

719
00:36:58,592 --> 00:37:01,969
And if they're into it, if they chemically are
attracted to you, he will approach you.

720
00:37:01,970 --> 00:37:04,306
He will set down his McRib
and he will come...

721
00:37:05,140 --> 00:37:06,390
and talk to you.

722
00:37:06,391 --> 00:37:09,143
When a guy first sees a girl,
it has nothing to do with the girl.

723
00:37:09,144 --> 00:37:11,979
That's not to take away from us
as beautiful creatures, girls.

724
00:37:11,980 --> 00:37:15,775
And then you guys get to know each other,
and then your personality, girls,

725
00:37:15,776 --> 00:37:17,068
ruins the rest of it.

726
00:37:17,069 --> 00:37:19,029
That's right, but at the beginning...

727
00:37:21,281 --> 00:37:25,451
When a guy likes a girl, he can't help it.
And it's unfortunate, and I can prove it.

728
00:37:25,452 --> 00:37:29,830
Because every single woman in this room
at some point in her life has had a guy

729
00:37:29,831 --> 00:37:31,624
who's just decided he likes you,

730
00:37:31,625 --> 00:37:33,585
now it's your fucking problem.

731
00:37:35,379 --> 00:37:37,546
Every woman in this room at some point

732
00:37:37,547 --> 00:37:41,384
has had some lunatic that's like,
"We're meant to be together!"

733
00:37:41,385 --> 00:37:42,802
"Christine!"

734
00:37:42,803 --> 00:37:44,262
[growls]

735
00:37:47,182 --> 00:37:51,185
And you're like, "Okay, my name is Leslie.
Here's your Starbucks."

736
00:37:51,186 --> 00:37:54,313
Like, every girl has to deal with that.

737
00:37:54,314 --> 00:37:56,607
Every girl has had the guy that's like,

738
00:37:56,608 --> 00:37:59,277
"What? She looked at me,
so I followed her home...

739
00:38:02,364 --> 00:38:03,490
Your Honor."

740
00:38:08,120 --> 00:38:10,122
Some guys don't like that joke. I know.

741
00:38:10,914 --> 00:38:13,749
It's usually the same guys
who didn't laugh at my Saturn punch line.

742
00:38:13,750 --> 00:38:14,959
I see you.

743
00:38:14,960 --> 00:38:18,296
See your little beady eyes are like,
"Okay, okay. Counterpoint."

744
00:38:21,591 --> 00:38:24,594
"Counterpoint. If she didn't like me,
why'd she take my money?"

745
00:38:31,268 --> 00:38:33,395
It's like,
"Sir, she's a tollbooth worker."

746
00:38:36,481 --> 00:38:38,232
I know. The laugh is a little thin on that.

747
00:38:38,233 --> 00:38:41,278
I think I lose some of our Gen Z
with the reference.

748
00:38:42,446 --> 00:38:43,612
I want to bring you in.

749
00:38:43,613 --> 00:38:45,322
So Gen Z, go home,

750
00:38:45,323 --> 00:38:47,575
ask your parents what a worker is.

751
00:38:47,576 --> 00:38:49,661
[audience laughs and cheers]

752
00:39:00,547 --> 00:39:02,049
They're just jokes, folks.

753
00:39:03,550 --> 00:39:08,137
The whole point of being in a relationship
is to grow as an individual

754
00:39:08,138 --> 00:39:10,389
and build something with someone else.

755
00:39:10,390 --> 00:39:14,143
And for women,
we cannot be in a relationship

756
00:39:14,144 --> 00:39:16,145
unless we feel loved.

757
00:39:16,146 --> 00:39:18,647
And we cannot feel loved
unless we feel safe.

758
00:39:18,648 --> 00:39:20,357
That is paramount, okay?

759
00:39:20,358 --> 00:39:23,277
So in order to feel loved, girls,
you got to find someone.

760
00:39:23,278 --> 00:39:25,946
You want true love.
You want to build something with someone.

761
00:39:25,947 --> 00:39:28,574
So, girls, I advise that you go out
and you find someone in this world

762
00:39:28,575 --> 00:39:31,828
who loves you a little bit more
than you love them.

763
00:39:32,996 --> 00:39:34,831
Do not look at your date right now.

764
00:39:36,374 --> 00:39:39,961
Don't tap them. Don't--
Just stay right here, locked on me.

765
00:39:41,004 --> 00:39:44,006
You look at him right now, it's gonna be
a real long drive back to Provo.

766
00:39:44,007 --> 00:39:46,383
So you just stay looking right here.

767
00:39:46,384 --> 00:39:47,968
I got you.

768
00:39:47,969 --> 00:39:51,890
We'll just skip right over that joke
and move on.

769
00:39:52,766 --> 00:39:54,934
But it's a beautiful thing when
a woman feels loved

770
00:39:54,935 --> 00:39:57,728
and a woman feels safe,
then she can truly blossom.

771
00:39:57,729 --> 00:40:00,564
I hate that word.
But then she can truly become herself.

772
00:40:00,565 --> 00:40:03,567
And it's only when a woman
is loved and feels safe

773
00:40:03,568 --> 00:40:05,486
that a magical change occurs.

774
00:40:05,487 --> 00:40:08,572
It's only when we know
that we are loved by you,

775
00:40:08,573 --> 00:40:10,241
truly loved,

776
00:40:10,242 --> 00:40:13,285
that we can begin to get

777
00:40:13,286 --> 00:40:15,204
uglier!

778
00:40:15,205 --> 00:40:17,331
Yes! Yes!

779
00:40:17,332 --> 00:40:18,541
[growls]

780
00:40:18,542 --> 00:40:21,127
That was the plan all along. Big pants.

781
00:40:21,128 --> 00:40:24,004
To squirrel up into your heart
and grow a mustache!

782
00:40:24,005 --> 00:40:25,172
That's what we wanted.

783
00:40:25,173 --> 00:40:27,508
Yes! Mud masks around the house.

784
00:40:27,509 --> 00:40:29,385
Yes, that was the idea.

785
00:40:29,386 --> 00:40:32,680
There's no point in getting hotter
once you're in a relationship.

786
00:40:32,681 --> 00:40:34,933
There's no ROI. Who cares?

787
00:40:35,892 --> 00:40:38,102
Who's getting married 30 years later?

788
00:40:38,103 --> 00:40:40,855
Like, "You know what? It's
time to kick it up a notch." For what?

789
00:40:40,856 --> 00:40:42,940
You're good. At my 50-year anniversary,

790
00:40:42,941 --> 00:40:46,402
I want my husband and I
to just not even be two people.

791
00:40:46,403 --> 00:40:50,322
I want us to just be one giant cat turd.

792
00:40:50,323 --> 00:40:51,699
And I want...

793
00:40:51,700 --> 00:40:53,075
laying there.

794
00:40:53,076 --> 00:40:56,997
"Happy anniversary.
Let's eat chicken pickles, and then...

795
00:40:57,789 --> 00:41:01,001
we can have sex
while we check our phones, and then...

796
00:41:02,460 --> 00:41:05,004
we can fall asleep watching <i>The Office,</i>

797
00:41:05,005 --> 00:41:08,090
with that Polish actor."

798
00:41:08,091 --> 00:41:09,259
[audience laughs]

799
00:41:10,635 --> 00:41:11,970
[blows raspberry]

800
00:41:16,266 --> 00:41:17,601
There is a, uh...

801
00:41:18,226 --> 00:41:20,394
there is something interesting
that happens,

802
00:41:20,395 --> 00:41:22,813
and I'm experiencing this
as I'm getting older.

803
00:41:22,814 --> 00:41:27,109
And often it coincides with being married
or in a long-term relationship.

804
00:41:27,110 --> 00:41:31,906
But as women, this idea that we stop
caring is silly, okay?

805
00:41:31,907 --> 00:41:35,034
You always want to look your best,
and we always try our best.

806
00:41:35,035 --> 00:41:37,494
But as you get older,
it's not that you stop caring,

807
00:41:37,495 --> 00:41:40,998
it's that you stop caring as much
about what other people think.

808
00:41:40,999 --> 00:41:43,417
- And when it comes to...
- [audience cheers]

809
00:41:43,418 --> 00:41:45,669
...empowerment or dressing sexy,

810
00:41:45,670 --> 00:41:49,048
your barometer sort of changes
and you start to dress a little bit more

811
00:41:49,049 --> 00:41:51,383
for yourself as we get older, right?

812
00:41:51,384 --> 00:41:54,970
As we age as women,
or if you're in a long relationship,

813
00:41:54,971 --> 00:41:58,474
you sort of stop looking
for external validation from men

814
00:41:58,475 --> 00:42:02,061
because you're getting it in this
relationship or from yourself, right?

815
00:42:02,062 --> 00:42:05,690
As we get older, as women,
we stop dressing for the male gaze.

816
00:42:06,900 --> 00:42:09,277
"Gaze," spelled G-A-Z-E.

817
00:42:12,197 --> 00:42:14,031
Not the male gays, honey.

818
00:42:14,032 --> 00:42:16,784
We are always dressing for them.

819
00:42:16,785 --> 00:42:18,410
They did this okay?

820
00:42:18,411 --> 00:42:19,745
- [audience cheers]
- Yeah.

821
00:42:19,746 --> 00:42:21,289
They're always in our hearts.

822
00:42:22,707 --> 00:42:26,085
But no couple who's been married
a while is coming out of a dressing room

823
00:42:26,086 --> 00:42:28,796
and she's like, "Look babe, it's a bikini that
cuts my turkey meat and half

824
00:42:28,797 --> 00:42:30,172
so it hangs out the bottom."

825
00:42:30,173 --> 00:42:31,757
"And then...

826
00:42:31,758 --> 00:42:34,718
it's a belly chain with a thong
that I'm gonna wear backward."

827
00:42:34,719 --> 00:42:36,263
"I call it a split decision."

828
00:42:37,931 --> 00:42:39,432
Don't forget the blip gloss.

829
00:42:42,894 --> 00:42:45,854
No, when you're married, you're coming out
of that dressing room like,

830
00:42:45,855 --> 00:42:48,024
"Look, baby, they're khakis that taper...

831
00:42:49,901 --> 00:42:52,027
with the matching vest and the hat."

832
00:42:52,028 --> 00:42:53,446
"I'm a dandy bear."

833
00:42:55,907 --> 00:42:59,326
And your husband, if he knows
what's good for him, will support it.

834
00:42:59,327 --> 00:43:01,829
He'll just be like, "You look--
You're my queen."

835
00:43:01,830 --> 00:43:02,913
"Oh, God."

836
00:43:02,914 --> 00:43:06,375
You're like, "I cut my hair really short."
He's like, "You're an empowered..."

837
00:43:06,376 --> 00:43:08,253
[grunts and groans]

838
00:43:12,924 --> 00:43:14,383
Now, these are just jokes.

839
00:43:14,384 --> 00:43:18,095
Of course, every woman wants to look her best.
Every person wants to look their best.

840
00:43:18,096 --> 00:43:20,306
We still try.
Girls, you still got to try, right?

841
00:43:20,307 --> 00:43:22,641
You still got to wipe, right?

842
00:43:22,642 --> 00:43:24,686
- You still got to...
- [audience laughs]

843
00:43:25,729 --> 00:43:28,857
There's always a couple of guys
that are like, "No, you don't."

844
00:43:32,444 --> 00:43:33,902
Always want to try.

845
00:43:33,903 --> 00:43:36,780
For your own self-worth, for yourself,
for your partner.

846
00:43:36,781 --> 00:43:40,951
I'm sure your job wouldn't mind
if you ran a comb through that mop.

847
00:43:40,952 --> 00:43:42,579
You always want to try.

848
00:43:43,246 --> 00:43:46,457
But the ask is never
that women look perfect.

849
00:43:46,458 --> 00:43:49,335
Let's be clear about this,
that's not what they're asking

850
00:43:49,336 --> 00:43:51,378
because there is no such thing
as perfection.

851
00:43:51,379 --> 00:43:52,671
There is no "they're" there.

852
00:43:52,672 --> 00:43:56,342
The ask is that we as women spend

853
00:43:56,343 --> 00:43:59,470
all of our mental bandwidth,

854
00:43:59,471 --> 00:44:02,264
money and free time trying to attain

855
00:44:02,265 --> 00:44:04,933
a bullshit level of perfection.

856
00:44:04,934 --> 00:44:07,853
And while we are busy
not only trying to look perfect,

857
00:44:07,854 --> 00:44:10,981
but justify our existence,
justify why you want kids,

858
00:44:10,982 --> 00:44:13,734
why you don't want kids,
why you want to shatter a glass ceiling,

859
00:44:13,735 --> 00:44:17,112
justifying your artistic integrity,
explaining to everyone what it's like

860
00:44:17,113 --> 00:44:20,282
to balance it all while you were busy
fighting with other women

861
00:44:20,283 --> 00:44:23,494
over who breastfed best
or who's the baddest bitch of them all.

862
00:44:23,495 --> 00:44:27,539
While we were busy fighting each other
and trying to be perfect, they were what?

863
00:44:27,540 --> 00:44:29,792
Taking away our rights to our bodies.

864
00:44:29,793 --> 00:44:31,710
That's what was happening

865
00:44:31,711 --> 00:44:35,548
while we were obsessed with bullshit.

866
00:44:36,966 --> 00:44:40,720
While we were sleeping
with a red light on.

867
00:44:43,139 --> 00:44:45,182
Because the ask is always

868
00:44:45,183 --> 00:44:47,059
that women be beautiful.

869
00:44:47,060 --> 00:44:49,061
But we don't ask the same of men.

870
00:44:49,062 --> 00:44:52,606
We always ask that the woman
be structurally perfect, stunning, snatch.

871
00:44:52,607 --> 00:44:54,525
We don't care what she's married to.

872
00:44:54,526 --> 00:44:55,859
She could be beautiful,

873
00:44:55,860 --> 00:44:58,612
and she can be married
to a bowl of soup,

874
00:44:58,613 --> 00:45:00,364
and nobody questions it.

875
00:45:00,365 --> 00:45:02,867
Again, do not look at your date.
Just look at me.

876
00:45:03,785 --> 00:45:07,205
I always see women poking, like,
"You're chicken noodle. That's you."

877
00:45:08,540 --> 00:45:11,708
In a relationship, the ask is always
that the woman tries the hardest,

878
00:45:11,709 --> 00:45:13,544
keeps it tight, snatched, perfect.

879
00:45:13,545 --> 00:45:16,630
And the guy could just be a fucking onion,

880
00:45:16,631 --> 00:45:19,550
and nobody cares.

881
00:45:19,551 --> 00:45:22,761
Nobody cares. In fact, as a society,
we prefer it that way.

882
00:45:22,762 --> 00:45:25,389
We're very comfortable
with women trying the hardest

883
00:45:25,390 --> 00:45:27,433
and the guy just being a lint trap.

884
00:45:27,434 --> 00:45:29,726
We walk by and we're just like,

885
00:45:29,727 --> 00:45:33,021
"Oh, that's the way the Lord intended
a man and a woman to look."

886
00:45:33,022 --> 00:45:34,648
"She, a goddess."

887
00:45:34,649 --> 00:45:35,732
"Him, gum."

888
00:45:35,733 --> 00:45:37,527
This is what we like.

889
00:45:38,903 --> 00:45:40,821
And you never see it the other way.

890
00:45:40,822 --> 00:45:43,365
And when you do,
people get angry about it, right?

891
00:45:43,366 --> 00:45:46,827
When you see a good-looking guy
with perhaps a less attractive woman.

892
00:45:46,828 --> 00:45:49,705
If you open a tabloid,
you see like a male movie star,

893
00:45:49,706 --> 00:45:53,293
and he's just married to like a civilian.

894
00:45:54,752 --> 00:45:57,254
It's a picture of a guy
who's jacked professionally

895
00:45:57,255 --> 00:46:00,883
on a vacation with his 38-year-old wife
mothering their three kids.

896
00:46:00,884 --> 00:46:04,179
She's got no makeup on.
People are like, "Oh, maybe she's sick."

897
00:46:06,306 --> 00:46:08,056
"How good of him to stay with her,

898
00:46:08,057 --> 00:46:11,436
even though she's not wearing
any bronzer."

899
00:46:14,814 --> 00:46:16,732
And I was like,
"Well, why is it that way?"

900
00:46:16,733 --> 00:46:18,942
Surely, it's just a coastal thing, right?

901
00:46:18,943 --> 00:46:22,696
I live in LA, and you go to New York,
and this is the expectation,

902
00:46:22,697 --> 00:46:24,656
that women are structurally stunning,

903
00:46:24,657 --> 00:46:26,825
perfect, and it doesn't matter
what she's married to.

904
00:46:26,826 --> 00:46:28,744
I'm like, maybe it's just a coastal thing.

905
00:46:28,745 --> 00:46:31,497
Where can you go
where it's maybe normalized?

906
00:46:31,498 --> 00:46:33,332
I want to see normal people.
Where do you go

907
00:46:33,333 --> 00:46:36,251
where maybe yeah, the guy is rugged
from working out

908
00:46:36,252 --> 00:46:38,545
and building a barn for Christ?

909
00:46:38,546 --> 00:46:40,255
I don't know, just putting up...

910
00:46:40,256 --> 00:46:43,091
It feels like Middle America.
You guys-- That's your family.

911
00:46:43,092 --> 00:46:44,177
I feel like...

912
00:46:44,886 --> 00:46:48,514
Where can you go where maybe the men
are a little bit rugged, salt of the earth,

913
00:46:48,515 --> 00:46:50,974
and the women are a little bit
homely or comely?

914
00:46:50,975 --> 00:46:54,062
The answer is the Midwest. I don't
know why I have to like, parse this out.

915
00:46:55,313 --> 00:46:57,147
When I'm in the Midwest, I say the South.

916
00:46:57,148 --> 00:47:00,484
Anywhere, you're gonna see
a disparity in looks

917
00:47:00,485 --> 00:47:03,862
any time you are outside
of a major city, okay?

918
00:47:03,863 --> 00:47:05,948
When people get married young.

919
00:47:05,949 --> 00:47:08,408
When people get married young,
you don't really know

920
00:47:08,409 --> 00:47:10,786
what your spouse is gonna grow
up to look like.

921
00:47:10,787 --> 00:47:14,164
When you get married older, like I did,
you get married at like 36?

922
00:47:14,165 --> 00:47:17,084
My husband and I,
I knew his back hair was going somewhere

923
00:47:17,085 --> 00:47:18,752
and he knew I needed Invisalign.

924
00:47:18,753 --> 00:47:19,671
Like, we knew.

925
00:47:20,713 --> 00:47:23,131
We knew that--
You get married at, like, 19.

926
00:47:23,132 --> 00:47:25,634
That's a genetic fucking grab bag,
my friends.

927
00:47:25,635 --> 00:47:28,929
You don't know
how her tooth is gonna come in,

928
00:47:28,930 --> 00:47:30,472
what his hair is gonna do.

929
00:47:30,473 --> 00:47:31,432
You don't know.

930
00:47:33,268 --> 00:47:34,935
Period. Indention. New paragraph.

931
00:47:34,936 --> 00:47:38,605
I was in an airport in rural Kansas,

932
00:47:38,606 --> 00:47:40,816
going to a gig in the middle of nowhere.

933
00:47:40,817 --> 00:47:42,693
This is not that long ago.
So I'm pregnant.

934
00:47:42,694 --> 00:47:45,237
I'm standing there
in this small regional airport,

935
00:47:45,238 --> 00:47:50,910
and a man walked into this airport, folks,
who was so masculine...

936
00:47:51,703 --> 00:47:53,079
I just heard a giggle.

937
00:47:54,289 --> 00:47:57,124
Talk about repressed sexuality.
I'm like, "He was manly." She's like...

938
00:47:57,125 --> 00:47:58,668
[chuckles evilly]

939
00:48:02,714 --> 00:48:03,881
Let it out.

940
00:48:06,217 --> 00:48:08,344
He was so masculine.

941
00:48:09,053 --> 00:48:11,888
I didn't know they made men like this

942
00:48:11,889 --> 00:48:14,891
outside of like an HGTV
home renovation show.

943
00:48:14,892 --> 00:48:16,476
Like he was...

944
00:48:16,477 --> 00:48:17,644
I walked up him like, I was like

945
00:48:17,645 --> 00:48:19,896
"Are you the president
of Magnolia Network?"

946
00:48:19,897 --> 00:48:20,815
Like, he was...

947
00:48:22,275 --> 00:48:23,317
like an oak.

948
00:48:23,318 --> 00:48:25,360
Just structurally stunning,

949
00:48:25,361 --> 00:48:28,322
masculine, dripping with masculinity.

950
00:48:28,323 --> 00:48:30,198
It did things to me.

951
00:48:30,199 --> 00:48:31,241
Like, I needed him.

952
00:48:31,242 --> 00:48:34,077
I needed him to need me
to need him to need me.

953
00:48:34,078 --> 00:48:36,038
I just wanted to be at his feet.

954
00:48:36,039 --> 00:48:38,165
He was so manly,

955
00:48:38,166 --> 00:48:41,627
he walked in and I just wanted him
to help me do anything.

956
00:48:41,628 --> 00:48:44,671
I was like,
"Please, we have no food for the winter."

957
00:48:44,672 --> 00:48:46,923
"Please help my village."

958
00:48:46,924 --> 00:48:49,551
You are attracted to this, okay?

959
00:48:49,552 --> 00:48:53,722
I don't care what you brought here tonight
or what your Tinder profile is set to,

960
00:48:53,723 --> 00:48:55,182
it's this, genetically.

961
00:48:55,183 --> 00:48:58,310
Someone in your family
fucked something that looked like that,

962
00:48:58,311 --> 00:49:01,313
and it's the only reason
your genetics survived till today.

963
00:49:01,314 --> 00:49:03,608
He was stunning, okay?

964
00:49:04,817 --> 00:49:06,527
I will describe him to you.

965
00:49:07,612 --> 00:49:09,781
Giggles over there was like,
"Yes, finally."

966
00:49:10,490 --> 00:49:11,908
[shudders]

967
00:49:13,576 --> 00:49:16,286
The women are excited because
you don't have church till tomorrow.

968
00:49:16,287 --> 00:49:17,871
They're like, "Get it in now."

969
00:49:17,872 --> 00:49:19,499
[giggles nervously]

970
00:49:21,125 --> 00:49:23,919
All the men are like, "Is it too early
to pull the truck around?"

971
00:49:23,920 --> 00:49:27,255
Okay, first of all,
let's get this out of the way.

972
00:49:27,256 --> 00:49:29,591
Boys, yes, he was tall, okay?

973
00:49:29,592 --> 00:49:32,928
Not trying to hurt your feelings.
I know you're real sensitive about height.

974
00:49:32,929 --> 00:49:36,556
I know you get upset when women
make fun of you for your height.

975
00:49:36,557 --> 00:49:39,267
And I just want you to know
that we do it on purpose.

976
00:49:39,268 --> 00:49:40,687
[audience laughs]

977
00:49:43,523 --> 00:49:44,648
You can't control it.

978
00:49:44,649 --> 00:49:47,859
And to be fair,
you make fun of us for everything!

979
00:49:47,860 --> 00:49:49,987
And so take it on the chin.

980
00:49:50,863 --> 00:49:52,322
You're so sensitive about it,

981
00:49:52,323 --> 00:49:54,700
you got women out here
calling you short kings.

982
00:49:54,701 --> 00:49:57,536
That's bullshit, okay?
You're a short subject.

983
00:49:57,537 --> 00:50:00,206
That's it. You're short. It's fine.

984
00:50:00,832 --> 00:50:02,667
We need to hold your hand about it.

985
00:50:03,334 --> 00:50:05,043
I wouldn't mind calling you a king

986
00:50:05,044 --> 00:50:07,379
if you extended the same
royal courtesy to us.

987
00:50:07,380 --> 00:50:10,549
But you make fun of women for everything,
and I never hear a guy say,

988
00:50:10,550 --> 00:50:12,008
"Oh, she's a fat princess."

989
00:50:12,009 --> 00:50:15,387
I never hear a guy...
"Oh, she's an unemployed duchess."

990
00:50:15,388 --> 00:50:17,389
I never hear a guy who's like,

991
00:50:17,390 --> 00:50:19,975
"Oh, she can't have kids.
She's a baroness."

992
00:50:19,976 --> 00:50:21,476
I never hear...

993
00:50:21,477 --> 00:50:22,812
[audience laughs]

994
00:50:23,563 --> 00:50:24,480
...that.

995
00:50:26,232 --> 00:50:28,900
But, gentlemen, at the beginning
I said I was on your side.

996
00:50:28,901 --> 00:50:32,654
I do think sometimes women make
too big of a deal out of the height thing.

997
00:50:32,655 --> 00:50:34,823
You get girls that are like,
"He'd better be 6'9"

998
00:50:34,824 --> 00:50:37,492
with a ten-digit bank account
and a 12-foot wingspan.

999
00:50:37,493 --> 00:50:40,620
You're like, "Are you an NBA scout?"
Like, what are these...?

1000
00:50:40,621 --> 00:50:42,914
"You'd better have a ten-digit
bank account."

1001
00:50:42,915 --> 00:50:46,126
I'm like, "You work at the mall,
so let's just relax."

1002
00:50:46,127 --> 00:50:47,586
How tall do you want it?

1003
00:50:47,587 --> 00:50:49,254
You can't be attracted to this.

1004
00:50:49,255 --> 00:50:52,132
The Slavic basketball players
clocking in at 8'13"

1005
00:50:52,133 --> 00:50:53,383
with enlarged hearts.

1006
00:50:53,384 --> 00:50:54,801
You can't be...

1007
00:50:54,802 --> 00:50:58,973
You're looking at that like,
"What is that penis? Just..."

1008
00:51:02,018 --> 00:51:03,436
[audience cheers]

1009
00:51:11,611 --> 00:51:15,322
Like, at that height, at seven feet tall,
what is a hand job?

1010
00:51:15,323 --> 00:51:16,949
Just wrapping cable? Like...

1011
00:51:29,670 --> 00:51:30,670
Let's go, Vlad.

1012
00:51:30,671 --> 00:51:32,757
[humming "Man! I Feel Like a Woman!"]

1013
00:51:33,966 --> 00:51:36,510
He was tall. Okay.

1014
00:51:36,511 --> 00:51:39,346
Nice head of hair.
Not gonna act like that's not a plus.

1015
00:51:39,347 --> 00:51:42,265
His forehead, though, was strong.

1016
00:51:42,266 --> 00:51:44,351
How do you get a strong forehead?

1017
00:51:44,352 --> 00:51:46,061
How do you work out a forehead?

1018
00:51:46,062 --> 00:51:49,648
Probably from bashing in car windows
to save kittens.

1019
00:51:49,649 --> 00:51:51,150
Bam, bam, bam!

1020
00:51:52,235 --> 00:51:54,986
Thick. It was a ridge of a forehead.

1021
00:51:54,987 --> 00:51:57,072
You could build a settlement on it.

1022
00:51:57,073 --> 00:51:58,324
Like, it was just...

1023
00:51:59,617 --> 00:52:02,327
And it exacerbated how blue his eyes were

1024
00:52:02,328 --> 00:52:05,539
because the built-in skin and bone visor
that he had,

1025
00:52:05,540 --> 00:52:08,542
you could see just laser blue eyes.

1026
00:52:08,543 --> 00:52:10,126
I have blue eyes.

1027
00:52:10,127 --> 00:52:13,630
Something like 2% of people
on this planet have blue eyes.

1028
00:52:13,631 --> 00:52:16,132
So my blue eyes saw his blue eyes
and I was like,

1029
00:52:16,133 --> 00:52:18,510
"I want to fuck my distant cousin."

1030
00:52:18,511 --> 00:52:21,222
This is exquisite.

1031
00:52:25,351 --> 00:52:27,687
But the part I'll miss the most...

1032
00:52:29,564 --> 00:52:30,982
his jaw.

1033
00:52:32,233 --> 00:52:33,943
Easy, Utah.

1034
00:52:35,111 --> 00:52:37,113
Some woman fainted over there.

1035
00:52:37,738 --> 00:52:39,448
Oh!

1036
00:52:42,034 --> 00:52:42,994
Enjoy it.

1037
00:52:43,661 --> 00:52:46,872
His jaw was, in a word,

1038
00:52:46,873 --> 00:52:48,331
structured.

1039
00:52:48,332 --> 00:52:49,457
Okay?

1040
00:52:49,458 --> 00:52:52,335
Muscular, strong,

1041
00:52:52,336 --> 00:52:55,089
clear definition

1042
00:52:55,882 --> 00:52:58,009
between church and state.

1043
00:52:59,051 --> 00:53:00,303
All right, boys?

1044
00:53:01,596 --> 00:53:05,265
We know what you're doing
when you grow a swath of hair there.

1045
00:53:05,266 --> 00:53:08,518
You're like, "Oh, maybe she won't
know that it's all connected."

1046
00:53:08,519 --> 00:53:09,644
We know.

1047
00:53:09,645 --> 00:53:12,939
"Oh, maybe she'll just fall in love
with my dedication to my cats

1048
00:53:12,940 --> 00:53:14,524
and first-person shooter games."

1049
00:53:14,525 --> 00:53:16,694
No, we know what you're doing.

1050
00:53:18,029 --> 00:53:20,656
Jaw was strong, girls. Strong.

1051
00:53:21,574 --> 00:53:23,950
So you know it wouldn't get tired. Strong.

1052
00:53:23,951 --> 00:53:25,786
- [audience cheers]
- Yeah.

1053
00:53:27,455 --> 00:53:30,123
There you go.
I love that you're cheering for that.

1054
00:53:30,124 --> 00:53:33,376
You're like,
"Utah is the go-down-on-me state."

1055
00:53:33,377 --> 00:53:34,879
[audience cheers]

1056
00:53:36,005 --> 00:53:37,256
There you go.

1057
00:53:39,133 --> 00:53:42,427
But it is a mostly female cheer
on that joke.

1058
00:53:42,428 --> 00:53:45,972
And I want to just take a second
to talk to the men in my audience,

1059
00:53:45,973 --> 00:53:49,643
because at the beginning I said I'm on
your side, and I'm glad you're here.

1060
00:53:49,644 --> 00:53:53,230
Gentlemen, I want you to know
stand-up comedy is for you as well, okay?

1061
00:53:55,191 --> 00:53:59,110
I really believe that the types of men
who come to see an Iliza Shlesinger show

1062
00:53:59,111 --> 00:54:02,030
have impeccable taste in comedy.

1063
00:54:02,031 --> 00:54:06,826
And I believe that the kind of men
who have been supporting me

1064
00:54:06,827 --> 00:54:10,205
my whole career see me as a comedian,
not a female comedian.

1065
00:54:10,206 --> 00:54:13,500
And I believe that you appreciate
the art that I make.

1066
00:54:13,501 --> 00:54:16,336
And I also think that you enjoy
the glimpse into the way

1067
00:54:16,337 --> 00:54:17,629
that women's minds work.

1068
00:54:17,630 --> 00:54:21,132
And I think that you're sweet men,
and I love having you in my crowd.

1069
00:54:21,133 --> 00:54:23,134
And I really feel like I make my joke,

1070
00:54:23,135 --> 00:54:26,471
I'm like, "His jaw was strong,
so you know it wouldn't get tired."

1071
00:54:26,472 --> 00:54:28,682
And I genuinely feel, boys,
that you're, like,

1072
00:54:28,683 --> 00:54:29,975
"Tired from what?"

1073
00:54:29,976 --> 00:54:32,144
[audience laughs]

1074
00:54:41,362 --> 00:54:43,738
That's most of you. I appreciate that.

1075
00:54:43,739 --> 00:54:46,324
There's always one or 2% of guys
who got dragged here

1076
00:54:46,325 --> 00:54:49,661
because they bought me as an early
Christmas present for their girlfriend

1077
00:54:49,662 --> 00:54:52,580
and they're sitting there like,
"Jesus Christ, I'm tired."

1078
00:54:52,581 --> 00:54:54,874
"Tired from what?
Explaining everything to you women?"

1079
00:54:54,875 --> 00:54:57,377
"Once again, Christopher Nolan is a god."

1080
00:54:57,378 --> 00:54:58,837
[groans]

1081
00:54:58,838 --> 00:55:00,255
Nolan! Nolan!

1082
00:55:00,256 --> 00:55:01,424
Okay...

1083
00:55:02,550 --> 00:55:04,384
Tall, masculine.

1084
00:55:04,385 --> 00:55:08,179
Body was so masculine,
it wasn't even a man's body.

1085
00:55:08,180 --> 00:55:09,764
That's how manly it was.

1086
00:55:09,765 --> 00:55:11,099
It wasn't even a body.

1087
00:55:11,100 --> 00:55:13,477
It was just the chassis of an F-250.

1088
00:55:17,565 --> 00:55:20,943
And the last thing I remember
before I passed out...

1089
00:55:22,695 --> 00:55:26,740
was that he had
the perfect amount of chest hair.

1090
00:55:26,741 --> 00:55:27,699
[woman whoops]

1091
00:55:27,700 --> 00:55:29,034
[chuckles]

1092
00:55:29,035 --> 00:55:30,493
Someone get her some water.

1093
00:55:30,494 --> 00:55:32,037
Now there is...

1094
00:55:32,038 --> 00:55:35,123
there is a perfect amount, mind you, okay?

1095
00:55:35,124 --> 00:55:38,418
Because it was cropping out
from under his flannel.

1096
00:55:38,419 --> 00:55:41,254
Working man's tartan.
And it was cropping out.

1097
00:55:41,255 --> 00:55:43,339
There is a perfect amount of chest hair.

1098
00:55:43,340 --> 00:55:46,301
Now, I'm going to set up a joke,
but in the setup of that joke,

1099
00:55:46,302 --> 00:55:48,928
I'm going to use a word that
in and of itself is not a bad word,

1100
00:55:48,929 --> 00:55:53,058
but because of the heightened sense
of hysteria on social media,

1101
00:55:53,059 --> 00:55:54,851
that word will feel charged.

1102
00:55:54,852 --> 00:55:57,020
And you will hear that word,
you won't know why,

1103
00:55:57,021 --> 00:56:00,733
but you will reflexively bristle
and you will turn on me.

1104
00:56:02,568 --> 00:56:05,487
You will. But then I'm going
to give you the punch line,

1105
00:56:05,488 --> 00:56:09,115
and then you're going to be like,
"Oh, we were always safe with her."

1106
00:56:09,116 --> 00:56:10,326
"Why did we...

1107
00:56:11,952 --> 00:56:14,996
so viciously turn on her
almost an hour in,

1108
00:56:14,997 --> 00:56:16,623
after we've been enjoying?"

1109
00:56:16,624 --> 00:56:20,920
You don't want too much chest hair, okay?
You don't want it to be too ethnic.

1110
00:56:24,632 --> 00:56:26,132
I didn't say which ethnicity.

1111
00:56:26,133 --> 00:56:31,097
So that's on you racist motherfuckers.

1112
00:56:32,681 --> 00:56:34,433
Whoever you're thinking about.

1113
00:56:36,769 --> 00:56:39,145
It's Persian. Uh, no, you don't want...

1114
00:56:39,146 --> 00:56:40,439
[audience laughs]

1115
00:56:41,649 --> 00:56:43,776
I know, all the Asian guys are like,
"Whew!"

1116
00:56:45,027 --> 00:56:46,903
No one wants too much chest hair.

1117
00:56:46,904 --> 00:56:51,533
When a woman lays her head down
on the hairy chest of a man

1118
00:56:51,534 --> 00:56:53,034
or a woman...

1119
00:56:53,035 --> 00:56:54,411
[mumbles]

1120
00:56:55,830 --> 00:56:57,664
...you want just enough chest hair

1121
00:56:57,665 --> 00:57:00,876
that it feels like a furry Tempur-Pedic,
and it cradles...

1122
00:57:01,627 --> 00:57:04,420
your cervical spine, right in that C4.

1123
00:57:04,421 --> 00:57:06,089
This is what you want, C5.

1124
00:57:06,090 --> 00:57:07,882
You don't want too much chest hair

1125
00:57:07,883 --> 00:57:10,261
because you don't want
to sink into it like...

1126
00:57:11,637 --> 00:57:13,889
Okay? We can all agree.

1127
00:57:16,016 --> 00:57:19,102
So we're in the airport, we're talking.
I'm sitting on his lap.

1128
00:57:19,103 --> 00:57:21,063
We're just sort of getting to know...

1129
00:57:22,273 --> 00:57:23,439
What?

1130
00:57:23,440 --> 00:57:25,442
It's a small airport. I told you that.

1131
00:57:26,235 --> 00:57:28,194
I set it up at the beginning.

1132
00:57:28,195 --> 00:57:30,321
No, we were just talking, and he was--

1133
00:57:30,322 --> 00:57:32,073
He was so good-looking.

1134
00:57:32,074 --> 00:57:35,410
You ever talk to someone
who's so genetically superior,

1135
00:57:35,411 --> 00:57:39,664
you just create a whole future
for the two of you just in your head?

1136
00:57:39,665 --> 00:57:42,375
Like, he was talking to me
and the whole time, I'm just like,

1137
00:57:42,376 --> 00:57:44,003
"Maybe we could make it work."

1138
00:57:44,920 --> 00:57:46,796
Like, I'm sure if my family saw you...

1139
00:57:46,797 --> 00:57:49,841
You ever talk to someone
who's so good-looking,

1140
00:57:49,842 --> 00:57:51,551
you forget how to speak?

1141
00:57:51,552 --> 00:57:52,719
Male or female.

1142
00:57:52,720 --> 00:57:55,013
Like, he was so handsome,
at one point I was like,

1143
00:57:55,014 --> 00:57:56,931
"I'm gonna go to the water closet."

1144
00:57:56,932 --> 00:57:58,225
The what?

1145
00:57:59,059 --> 00:58:00,977
[in British accent]
I'm going to the water closet.

1146
00:58:00,978 --> 00:58:02,729
[in normal voice]
Why would you say that?

1147
00:58:02,730 --> 00:58:04,898
No, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Did you want anything?

1148
00:58:04,899 --> 00:58:08,193
What? Why? From the bathroom?

1149
00:58:08,194 --> 00:58:11,029
"Oh, here's a bouquet of tampons,
my love."

1150
00:58:11,030 --> 00:58:13,657
Like, what are you fucking? Stupid girl.

1151
00:58:14,450 --> 00:58:15,491
Idiot.

1152
00:58:15,492 --> 00:58:17,912
Now he's never gonna ask us
to winter formal.

1153
00:58:20,831 --> 00:58:22,624
No, we were just standing there.

1154
00:58:22,625 --> 00:58:25,668
Uh, and I noticed
that he had a wedding ring.

1155
00:58:25,669 --> 00:58:27,670
And so I was like,
"Oh, where's your wife?"

1156
00:58:27,671 --> 00:58:29,298
Dead, I hope, for us.

1157
00:58:30,966 --> 00:58:34,093
No, I saw he had a wedding ring,
and quite frankly, I got excited, right?

1158
00:58:34,094 --> 00:58:38,014
Women like to look at other women,
and I knew that she was gonna be beautiful

1159
00:58:38,015 --> 00:58:39,682
based on what we talked about earlier.

1160
00:58:39,683 --> 00:58:42,268
I thought, "If he's this good-looking,
she's gonna be stunning."

1161
00:58:42,269 --> 00:58:45,063
Women like to look at other women
so that we may steal.

1162
00:58:45,064 --> 00:58:46,648
And I wanted to...

1163
00:58:46,649 --> 00:58:48,524
I was so excited to see her

1164
00:58:48,525 --> 00:58:50,026
because he's this beautiful,

1165
00:58:50,027 --> 00:58:54,030
she has to be so exponentially
much more stunning, right?

1166
00:58:54,031 --> 00:58:56,324
She's gonna be beautiful, right? Right?

1167
00:58:56,325 --> 00:58:59,702
Wrong! Because they got married
at, like, 17.

1168
00:58:59,703 --> 00:59:04,291
One of these couples that's been married
for 50 years, but they're only 35.

1169
00:59:05,918 --> 00:59:07,627
She was a gargoyle.

1170
00:59:07,628 --> 00:59:10,672
She came running in
swinging a Stanley at me.

1171
00:59:10,673 --> 00:59:12,382
[grunting]

1172
00:59:12,383 --> 00:59:13,591
[yells]

1173
00:59:13,592 --> 00:59:14,926
I was like, "Easy, easy."

1174
00:59:14,927 --> 00:59:17,637
She was kicking at me.
Charms flying off her Crocs.

1175
00:59:17,638 --> 00:59:19,013
[yelling]

1176
00:59:19,014 --> 00:59:20,890
I was like, "It's okay. It's okay."

1177
00:59:20,891 --> 00:59:23,893
This poor woman's probably
been fighting off women her whole life

1178
00:59:23,894 --> 00:59:26,354
from talking to her
hot-as-fuck husband.

1179
00:59:26,355 --> 00:59:27,563
[yelling]

1180
00:59:27,564 --> 00:59:29,441
I was like, "It's okay. It's okay."

1181
00:59:30,150 --> 00:59:31,150
[shushing]

1182
00:59:31,151 --> 00:59:33,779
Smell, smell, smell. Smell.
There you go.

1183
00:59:34,238 --> 00:59:36,322
It's okay. Yeah.

1184
00:59:36,323 --> 00:59:38,032
Yeah, it's Britney Spears.

1185
00:59:38,033 --> 00:59:39,993
I know. I'm 41. It's okay. It's okay.

1186
00:59:39,994 --> 00:59:42,996
That's okay, come over here.
Come over here. You're a pretty girl.

1187
00:59:42,997 --> 00:59:45,832
No woman had ever been nice
to her like that, and I'm a girl's girl.

1188
00:59:45,833 --> 00:59:47,458
It's okay, pretty girl.

1189
00:59:47,459 --> 00:59:48,543
[yells]

1190
00:59:48,544 --> 00:59:50,461
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

1191
00:59:50,462 --> 00:59:51,963
She was charging at me.

1192
00:59:51,964 --> 00:59:53,381
No. Sit down.

1193
00:59:53,382 --> 00:59:54,632
[grunting and growling]

1194
00:59:54,633 --> 00:59:56,759
No, no, no, no! That's a pretty bracelet.

1195
00:59:56,760 --> 00:59:59,053
That's a pretty bracelet.
Where'd you get it?

1196
00:59:59,054 --> 01:00:01,015
Where'd you get the pretty bracelet?

1197
01:00:02,599 --> 01:00:03,891
[snarls]

1198
01:00:03,892 --> 01:00:05,769
[audience laughs]

1199
01:00:11,900 --> 01:00:13,652
[snarls]

1200
01:00:14,445 --> 01:00:15,778
She was trying to tell me something.

1201
01:00:15,779 --> 01:00:18,823
She started rearing up
like she was gonna declare something.

1202
01:00:18,824 --> 01:00:22,119
[groaning]

1203
01:00:22,870 --> 01:00:26,414
I was like, "You can tell me. It's okay.
You can share where you got it with me."

1204
01:00:26,415 --> 01:00:28,042
[grunting and snarling]

1205
01:00:29,126 --> 01:00:30,169
Hey?

1206
01:00:30,961 --> 01:00:32,128
Hobby Lobby.

1207
01:00:32,129 --> 01:00:33,505
[snarling]

1208
01:00:36,800 --> 01:00:38,302
Pretty girl.

1209
01:00:39,178 --> 01:00:40,763
[audience cheering]

1210
01:00:43,974 --> 01:00:46,476
And the last thing
I have for you this evening

1211
01:00:46,477 --> 01:00:49,270
is a hill that I am prepared to die on.

1212
01:00:49,271 --> 01:00:51,732
[audience whoops and cheers]

1213
01:00:55,444 --> 01:00:56,987
No woman...

1214
01:00:57,780 --> 01:01:01,075
wants to be a bitch...

1215
01:01:01,700 --> 01:01:02,826
at first.

1216
01:01:06,705 --> 01:01:11,000
No woman wants to be a bitch.

1217
01:01:11,001 --> 01:01:14,504
Women become bitches

1218
01:01:14,505 --> 01:01:19,217
because of systemic
societal oppression bullshit

1219
01:01:19,218 --> 01:01:22,178
and you not listening to me, Steve!

1220
01:01:22,179 --> 01:01:23,514
But no woman...

1221
01:01:25,015 --> 01:01:26,433
wants...

1222
01:01:27,101 --> 01:01:28,184
to be a bitch.

1223
01:01:28,185 --> 01:01:30,436
What we wanted was equity.

1224
01:01:30,437 --> 01:01:32,355
What we wanted was safety.

1225
01:01:32,356 --> 01:01:34,315
What we wanted was fair pay.

1226
01:01:34,316 --> 01:01:39,237
And instead they put lead in our tampons
and they took our pockets!

1227
01:01:39,238 --> 01:01:41,407
[audience cheers]

1228
01:01:45,411 --> 01:01:47,286
We wanted to be heard.

1229
01:01:47,287 --> 01:01:49,497
You made us this way.

1230
01:01:49,498 --> 01:01:51,332
No woman wants to be a bitch.

1231
01:01:51,333 --> 01:01:54,961
No woman wakes up and sets
her morning intention to bitch.

1232
01:01:54,962 --> 01:01:58,047
No girl, when she's little, is like,

1233
01:01:58,048 --> 01:02:00,341
"When I grow up,
I'm gonna be a liability."

1234
01:02:00,342 --> 01:02:01,427
No woman...

1235
01:02:02,469 --> 01:02:03,845
wants to be a bitch.

1236
01:02:03,846 --> 01:02:06,681
Never forget, women are special.

1237
01:02:06,682 --> 01:02:08,182
We are sacred.

1238
01:02:08,183 --> 01:02:10,268
There is something so magical about us.

1239
01:02:10,269 --> 01:02:13,062
And that is why people get violent

1240
01:02:13,063 --> 01:02:15,440
and mean and horrific

1241
01:02:15,441 --> 01:02:17,316
when they cannot own a woman.

1242
01:02:17,317 --> 01:02:19,819
Because everybody wants a woman.

1243
01:02:19,820 --> 01:02:22,113
Everybody wants to fuck a woman,

1244
01:02:22,114 --> 01:02:23,865
be a woman, have a woman,

1245
01:02:23,866 --> 01:02:26,451
appropriate the way a woman is,
dress like a woman,

1246
01:02:26,452 --> 01:02:28,119
have a mother, have a sister.

1247
01:02:28,120 --> 01:02:30,663
You ever meet a man
that has no women in his life?

1248
01:02:30,664 --> 01:02:34,250
He's weird. Everyone wants a woman.

1249
01:02:34,251 --> 01:02:36,794
If you wanted mercy
or empathy or softness,

1250
01:02:36,795 --> 01:02:38,171
you would go to a woman.

1251
01:02:38,172 --> 01:02:42,049
Women are maternal, and there's something
very magical about that.

1252
01:02:42,050 --> 01:02:45,761
And you can be maternal without actually
being a mother to a human child.

1253
01:02:45,762 --> 01:02:48,431
And by the way, if you don't want
to be a mother to a child,

1254
01:02:48,432 --> 01:02:50,016
I will always respect your right

1255
01:02:50,017 --> 01:02:52,602
and always fight for your right
to make that choice for yourself.

1256
01:02:52,603 --> 01:02:54,104
[audience cheers]

1257
01:02:56,023 --> 01:03:00,443
We, as women, love to take care of things.

1258
01:03:00,444 --> 01:03:03,112
A baby, a partner, a problem,

1259
01:03:03,113 --> 01:03:05,323
a society, a community.

1260
01:03:05,324 --> 01:03:07,867
That little fat cat
we were talking about earlier.

1261
01:03:07,868 --> 01:03:09,619
We want to take care of things.

1262
01:03:09,620 --> 01:03:11,120
Women see a bunny,

1263
01:03:11,121 --> 01:03:13,289
and your first thought, girls, is always,

1264
01:03:13,290 --> 01:03:14,415
"Oh!"

1265
01:03:14,416 --> 01:03:16,418
"Do baby need a mommy?"

1266
01:03:19,463 --> 01:03:22,757
Even if that baby has a mommy,
you're like, "Take that mommy away."

1267
01:03:22,758 --> 01:03:25,761
"Eat that mommy, give me the baby."

1268
01:03:27,012 --> 01:03:30,723
Women, we will be walking our dog
and you'll see another dog very happy,

1269
01:03:30,724 --> 01:03:33,851
well taken care of with its owner,
and your first thought is always like,

1270
01:03:33,852 --> 01:03:36,605
"I could take better care of that dog."
Like we just...

1271
01:03:37,356 --> 01:03:42,235
The only time my faith in my ability
to take care of my rescue dog is shaken

1272
01:03:42,236 --> 01:03:46,406
is when I run into lesbians
who foster dogs.

1273
01:03:48,659 --> 01:03:50,576
It's like the boss of the level.

1274
01:03:50,577 --> 01:03:52,703
Lesbians who foster dogs

1275
01:03:52,704 --> 01:03:55,706
will approach your pet in a way
you did not know

1276
01:03:55,707 --> 01:03:57,333
you could walk up to an animal.

1277
01:03:57,334 --> 01:03:59,961
They get right in and they're like,
"Who's this angel?"

1278
01:03:59,962 --> 01:04:03,090
And the dog's like, "Linda, it's you!"
And you're just like...

1279
01:04:09,221 --> 01:04:10,596
"You guys know each other?"

1280
01:04:10,597 --> 01:04:12,223
"Yeah, from the convention!"

1281
01:04:12,224 --> 01:04:13,225
Like...

1282
01:04:14,101 --> 01:04:18,521
Lesbians who foster dogs will ask you
very simple questions about your animal.

1283
01:04:18,522 --> 01:04:21,148
But it feels like
a government interrogation.

1284
01:04:21,149 --> 01:04:23,484
It feels like you're flying back
into the country.

1285
01:04:23,485 --> 01:04:26,612
Like, "Do I have black tar heroin on me?"
I don't fucking know.

1286
01:04:26,613 --> 01:04:28,114
"What kind of food
you feeding this angel?"

1287
01:04:28,115 --> 01:04:30,117
You're like, "Just mostly soup.
I don't know."

1288
01:04:31,118 --> 01:04:33,703
It feels like you're talking
to Child Protective Services.

1289
01:04:33,704 --> 01:04:36,665
You're just like, "Oh, she has a key.
She comes and goes."

1290
01:04:39,543 --> 01:04:42,795
Women see the bunny,
the baby need the mommy.

1291
01:04:42,796 --> 01:04:45,673
Men are wired differently,
and that's okay.

1292
01:04:45,674 --> 01:04:48,384
Men are more aggressive.
They are hunters, providers.

1293
01:04:48,385 --> 01:04:49,677
Men see the bunny,

1294
01:04:49,678 --> 01:04:51,555
and their first thought is, "Bam!"

1295
01:04:54,725 --> 01:04:55,767
Get off my lawn.

1296
01:04:57,144 --> 01:04:58,562
And get on this key chain.

1297
01:04:59,896 --> 01:05:02,399
Remember the '90s?
That was so fucked up.

1298
01:05:03,692 --> 01:05:05,359
Why is no one talking about that?

1299
01:05:05,360 --> 01:05:07,111
You're eight years old, you're like,

1300
01:05:07,112 --> 01:05:08,821
"I'll take bubble gum and a sticker,

1301
01:05:08,822 --> 01:05:11,532
and if I could get
a dismembered rabbit foot,

1302
01:05:11,533 --> 01:05:14,285
hollowed out, dyed purple

1303
01:05:14,286 --> 01:05:17,580
so I can wear it on my belt
like a village medicine woman,

1304
01:05:17,581 --> 01:05:21,793
that would be
totally normal for a child."

1305
01:05:29,217 --> 01:05:30,927
The baby need the mommy.

1306
01:05:32,054 --> 01:05:34,597
But no woman wants to be a bitch.

1307
01:05:34,598 --> 01:05:37,683
And what is so, I guess, weird for me

1308
01:05:37,684 --> 01:05:41,270
as I deliver this piece of art to you

1309
01:05:41,271 --> 01:05:43,272
is that I am keenly aware,

1310
01:05:43,273 --> 01:05:46,192
as I posit the statement,
"No woman wants to be a bitch."

1311
01:05:46,193 --> 01:05:49,320
I'm keenly aware of the fact
not so much that I'm old, right?

1312
01:05:49,321 --> 01:05:52,740
Because that's subjective and relative,
but that I am getting older,

1313
01:05:52,741 --> 01:05:54,450
which is absolute.

1314
01:05:54,451 --> 01:05:56,911
I started doing comedy at 21.

1315
01:05:56,912 --> 01:06:00,665
I've been playing Utah
since your ABV levels were low.

1316
01:06:00,666 --> 01:06:01,707
Okay?

1317
01:06:01,708 --> 01:06:02,875
[audience cheers]

1318
01:06:02,876 --> 01:06:06,588
Playing Utah
since you had weird beer, okay?

1319
01:06:08,715 --> 01:06:10,299
I started doing comedy at 21,

1320
01:06:10,300 --> 01:06:12,635
talking about vodka sodas

1321
01:06:12,636 --> 01:06:14,887
and party goblins and hand jobs.

1322
01:06:14,888 --> 01:06:16,181
Yes!

1323
01:06:17,683 --> 01:06:19,685
And I still am talking about hand jobs.

1324
01:06:21,478 --> 01:06:23,522
But that hand now has retinol on it.

1325
01:06:25,607 --> 01:06:28,609
What I'm keenly aware of
as I deliver these words to you,

1326
01:06:28,610 --> 01:06:31,487
I say unto you,
"No woman wants to be a bitch."

1327
01:06:31,488 --> 01:06:32,988
I posit this thesis.

1328
01:06:32,989 --> 01:06:36,909
I buttress it with arguments and science
and act-outs and intelligence.

1329
01:06:36,910 --> 01:06:40,996
And I am aware that this will get fed
into the internet and it will pop out

1330
01:06:40,997 --> 01:06:44,792
just stitched next to some influencer
who's 23.

1331
01:06:44,793 --> 01:06:46,961
I'm like, "No woman wants to be a bitch."

1332
01:06:46,962 --> 01:06:50,340
"Actually, I love being a bitch,
deadass, no cap."

1333
01:06:51,383 --> 01:06:52,633
"I love..."

1334
01:06:52,634 --> 01:06:54,219
[audience cheering]

1335
01:06:58,098 --> 01:07:00,433
"I love being-- I'm 23 and I'm a Virgo,

1336
01:07:00,434 --> 01:07:03,936
so that means something to one
out of every 12 people."

1337
01:07:03,937 --> 01:07:05,313
"I love..."

1338
01:07:06,022 --> 01:07:08,399
"I do young-girl things
like not wear sunscreen

1339
01:07:08,400 --> 01:07:11,278
and have sex with my eyes open."

1340
01:07:14,114 --> 01:07:16,782
I only say that at the end of the program,

1341
01:07:16,783 --> 01:07:19,453
just to rip the audience right in half!

1342
01:07:21,621 --> 01:07:24,665
Any girls who are, like,
under 35 or not married, you're like,

1343
01:07:24,666 --> 01:07:28,335
"Why wouldn't you keep them open to behold
the Adonis undulating atop you

1344
01:07:28,336 --> 01:07:30,045
or beside you in the shower?"

1345
01:07:30,046 --> 01:07:31,297
"It's amazing."

1346
01:07:31,298 --> 01:07:34,049
And those of us who are over 40
or married, we're just like,

1347
01:07:34,050 --> 01:07:35,926
"You just keep them closed!"

1348
01:07:35,927 --> 01:07:38,180
[audience laughs]

1349
01:07:45,604 --> 01:07:48,315
"And think about the guy
from the Kansas airport."

1350
01:07:49,065 --> 01:07:50,941
Salt Lake City, I love you. Thank you.

1351
01:07:50,942 --> 01:07:52,778
[electronic music playing]

1352
01:07:54,654 --> 01:07:56,948
[cheering and applause]

1353
01:08:30,190 --> 01:08:32,108
[electronic music continuous]