Downloaded from YTS.MX
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jessica Kirson!
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
[cheering and applause]
- [♪ upbeat music playing] - [mouthing] Oh, my God!
[mouthing] Oh, my God!
[mouthing] Thank you! Thank you so much! Thank you!
- [cheering and applause continue] - So nice.
Hi, guys. Keep clapping. Thank you so much.
Thank you, that's so nice!
Stand up. What the fuck is wrong with you?
[♪ upbeat music continues]
[cheering and applause continue]
- [♪ music and applause soften] - Thank you. I love you guys.
God, there's so many gay men here. Oh, my God.
- [laughter] - Wow. Holy shit.
You're all up front, too.
- Did anyone come alone? - [audience member] Yeah!
Yeah, I come alone a lot. That's why...
[laughter]
[cheering and applause]
I'm miserable. You know, I've always been--
I was even depressed as a child, you know what I'm saying?
My friends would be like, [childish voice] "Let's play house."
I'm like, "Let's play hospice care."
[laughter]
[normal voice] Every time I go through TSA,
this is totally true,
I get patted down almost every single time
because I think they look at me
and they're like, "This woman needs affection.
- "This woman... - [audience laughs]
"...needs to be held.
This woman needs something."
And they always pat down my shoulders, my legs, my back.
I'm like, "Could you touch my crotch?
"Is there any way you could finger me?
"Because I need...
[laughter, clapping]
...to be fingered immediately."
Sometimes, I swallow loose change or an ion battery.
Or a Honda Accord, so that they get more handsy.
I've even put a roast there, so the dogs get involved.
[gasps and laughter]
If you didn't just laugh at that, you should die, that is...
[laughter and applause]
When you go through security and they do touch you in the groin area,
this is for women, I don't know if they do the same thing for men,
they literally go, "Would you like us to take you in the back?"
And I'm like, "Ha! I'd prefer it."
[audience laughing]
Take me in the back and pull my hair and tell me I'm not funny.
[laughter]
And if you keep this up, I'm gonna have a lot more
than three and a half ounces of liquid on me.
[laughter]
[cheering and applause]
You guys are great.
I do a lot of shows in Florida for very old people.
Some of you know that. They're 80, 90.
Some have passed. And the thing is...
[laughter]
...a lot of times I don't hear laughter for 45 minutes to an hour.
I just hear bodily functions.
Moaning, groaning.
Just... [groaning]
[laughter]
[continues groaning]
[exclaiming and grunting]
[blowing raspberry]
[exclaiming]
[burping, groaning]
[high, squeaky voice] Help me!
[audience laughing]
Somebody help me!
[laughter]
[normal] They yell out at me. I'm not kidding.
One woman s-- [laughs] once yelled out,
[high, squeaky voice] "Comedian!
[audience laughing]
"Comedian, get me a seltzer water.
- [laughter] - [Jessica chuckles]
I'm thirsty. Get it."
[normal] I'm like, "Get your own seltzer water, Sylvia, you fucking bitch."
[cheering and applause]
One woman once yelled out, [high voice] "Clown!"
[normal] She called me a clown.
Can you imagine?
I hear, [high voice] "Clown!
Cloooooown!"
[normal] It sounded like a llama getting a colonoscopy.
[audience laughing]
One guy once yelled out, "Bingo!" I'm like, "What?"
[laughter]
Who's playing Bingo?
[Jessica chuckles]
Can you imagine what they say during sex? Can you imagine?
[feeble, shaky voice] "Suck my dick, Sylvia!"
[audience laughing]
[high, squeaky voice] "Come on my face, Seymour."
- [groaning] - [audience laughing, clapping]
"Did you pay the insurance?
"I crashed the car today.
The cleaning lady is stealing from us."
[audience laughing]
"She too-- [laughs]
She took my everything bagel seasoning."
[audience laughing and clapping]
[audience cheering]
[normal voice] I do those developments in Florida,
those 55-and-over developments, and they have other programs going on.
And I had to check them out. Like, I had to see what's going on there.
And one of the things they had going on
was "Sex and Intimacy in Your Elder Years".
And I was like, "That's good."
You know, that's a great program for these people.
But I looked at the brochure, and I was really blown away.
I thought it was beautiful.
So, I-I copied down the different subjects that they go over
and the different classes they have, and I wanted to read it to you guys.
- Do you guys wanna hear it? Yeah. - [cheering and applause]
It made me emotional.
I think you guys are really gonna get emotional from this. [chuckles]
It's really beautiful.
Um, "Getting to Know Each Other Again." Isn't that beautiful?
[scattered cheering and clapping]
Yeah, I know, I really...
"Simple Stretches for Intimacy".
That's nice.
You know, I think these people need to stretch before they... [chuckles]
"Assisted Sex, the Do's and Don'ts of Bringing Your Aide Into the Bedroom".
[audience laughing]
That's...
that's important. It, like...
[Jessica chuckles]
"How to Remember Your Partner's Name".
- [audience laughing] - That's...
I wouldn't want someone to forget my name.
"How to be Intimate While the Middle East is in Crisis".
[laughter and cheering]
[scattered applause]
I think it's really...
- [people cheering] - [chuckles] Yeah.
[Jessica snickers]
"Elderly Abuse: S&M in Your 80s".
[audience laughing]
I would go to that.
[Jessica chuckles]
"Finding the Clit When You Can't Find Your Keys".
- [laughter and applause] - This is--
I would run to that one 'cause I'm always losing things.
[audience laughing]
Yeah. [snickers]
This one is very important for the gay men,
um, and the straight women in the crowd.
I mean, you guys would definitely take this.
You would never want to forget how to do this.
"Deep Throating with Dementia".
- [audience laughing] - This is...
[people clapping]
[grunting] You know what I mean? You would...
[cheering and applause]
Thank you. Um...
- [cheering and applause continue] - Thank you.
If you want to know about me, this is really true.
If you really want to know about me, you have to see my vibrator.
It is a fucking mess. It says a lot about a person.
You know, a lot of women are like,
[high, nasal] "I bought a new vibrator. It's purple. It's amazing. I deserve it."
[normal] My vibrator, it's-- It has pieces missing from it.
I'm serious.
They're inside of me. I have...
[audience laughing]
...more plastic inside of me than the Pacific Ocean.
It is...
I-- It's that magic wand.
It is this-- It's-It's enormous. It's this long.
It is s-- It's like a jackhammer, it is so powerful.
Do you know, I dropped it the other day,
and my neighbors got an earthquake warning?
It is fucking--
[laughter]
I also use it as an immersion blender, so it's very...
[laughter]
...helpful. I make split pea soup with it.
It's really-- That's my merch.
Split pea soup. I sell it after my shows.
[audience laughing and clapping]
Anyway, it plugs into the wall, that's how disgusting it is.
It's not even cordless because I hate myself.
I half-stand when I use it. This is not a joke.
I, I half-- It doesn't make it to the bed.
I look like I'm up to bat, I swear to God.
[laughter]
I stand like this.
And when I come, I literally sound like an umpire.
I'm like, "Strike!" You know what I mean?
[laughter and applause]
Room service knocked on the door the other day,
and I'm like, "You're outta here!"
[audience laughing]
Do you want to hear the sound I really make when I'm coming?
This is very vulnerable. Yeah.
[screaming]
[audience laughing]
Help me!
Who the fuck are you?!
[cheering and applause]
I actually did just buy new sex toys. This is really true.
I-I went crazy 'cause I'm like, "You deserve it.
You've been making money, you're doing well." [chuckles]
- [audience cheering] - I did. Thank you.
You guys are amazing. I spent $684.
- [audience laughing] - This is not a joke.
I clicked on everything. I'm like, "Fuck it."
And it came in a pack-- and I'm like,
"I don't know what to do with any of this. And a lot of it's intense."
So now, I've just been using it for other--
I use the nipple clamps to seal my chip bags. Um...
[laughter]
I've been using the paddles when I play my mother in pickleball.
That's been very...
[laughter and clapping]
I use the butt plug to seal my wine bottles.
- That's been very helpful. - [people cheering]
I use the ball gag, so I don't binge at night.
That is really...
[audience laughing]
I bought a swing, which I always wanted.
So now, I just put it on the porch.
And I love watching the sunset between my legs, it is...
[audience laughing and clapping]
...so rela...
- Um... - [laughter continues]
Wasn't that hot, ladies?
[laughter]
[Jessica chuckles]
I look like I'm turned on by my own shit. Like...
[scattered laughter]
That wasn't funny what you just said.
[stronger laughter]
You were doing great, and you just did a joke,
and you knew it wasn't gonna do well, and you did it anyway.
Don't sabotage yourself. You deserve success.
- Everything-- - [cheering and applause]
Everything is gonna be okay.
[audience member] Woo!
[Jessica] You're doing great. You are.
Today, you ate a bag of Tostitos
and told yourself it was a serving of corn.
[audience laughing]
[cheering and applause]
Most of you just laughed at that. Some of you didn't get it.
But what I just did was very creative, but you're dumb.
- Um... - [laughter]
Trust me, there's a couple of people who are like,
"What the fuck just happened?
"Where the fuck am I?
Is that Kirstie Alley? I thought she died."
[robust laughter]
I had a threesome once. This is true.
- Isn't that hot? Yeah, I did. Yeah. - [cheering and applause]
It was crazy. Um, yeah, it was amazing
'cause I have ADD, and I was very confused and overwhelmed.
There were so many tits and holes.
I, I felt like I was playing Whac-A-Mole.
- I was just... - [audience laughing]
...swinging my hands around like, "What is going on?"
I ended up giving myself a hickey. It was un...
[laughter]
I was smacking my own ass, asking myself if I liked it.
"Do you like it?" "What?"
"It's me." "Who?"
"Who's on third?" You know, it was so...
[audience laughing]
I choked myself. And, and-- Ugh.
[audience laughing]
I ended up blacking out. I woke up two hours later.
The two women had left, my watch was missing,
and I was covered in Cool Whip.
[laughter]
[high, squeaky voice] "I was covered in Cool Whip."
[audience laughing]
[normal] Yeah. You know, I've been, I've been out, uh, for a while.
I was, uh, you know, I was with men for a while
at the University of Maryland, um, in blackouts.
- Um... - [laughter]
I was so drunk, I didn't even know they weren't women.
- Uh... - [laughter]
I was like, "Wow, your clit is huge."
[laughter and applause]
There's lesbians here, right? I just-- Yeah, I--
She looked angry.
- Um... - [audience laughing]
When guys watch lesbian porn,
they think that's what it-- like, women with long nails
and tons of makeup on, you know what I mean? Like,
[high, nasal] "Oh, my God, Tiffany, your fingers feel so good in my pussy.
Harder. Harder. Give me a hysterectomy."
[audience laughing]
[normal] Real lesbian porn is women just sitting around
crying and eating hummus.
- [audience laughing] - It's...
- very depressing. [snickers] - [people cheering and clapping]
I think I was born gay 'cause my mom
said the second I came out, I was like...
[exclaiming]
"Ahhhh!"
- [laughter] - [audience member] Woo!
Yeah, I even had a double-sided pacifier.
[audience screaming, laughing]
[people clapping]
You know, there's categories for lesb-- and for gay men.
But the lesbian categ-- you know, butch, femme, Dora the Explorer.
[laughter]
Trust me, she's a fuckin' dyke.
She's always hiking, and she looks enraged.
[laughter]
I hate that bitch, you know?
[high-pitched] "Backpack, backpack." [imitates gunfire]
[audience laughing and clapping]
[normal] The biggest cave she explores is her girlfriend.
Trust me, she's fucking...
- [laughter] - [Jessica chuckles]
You know what's in that backpack?
Her cat's ashes, a journal, and a huge fucking dildo.
I'm serious.
[audience laughing]
You guys are so great.
I'm not a specific type of li-- I guess-- I-I mean, I'm butch,
but I'm not butch-butch, you know what I mean?
Like, I'll open a door for a woman, but I can't build one.
You know, that kind of...
[audience laughing and clapping]
Yeah, it's really like that.
You know, I would never fight someone, but I'll fist you.
You know that kind of...
[scattered laughter and clapping]
Some of you aren't laughing. Let me do a couple more.
- Um... - [stronger laughter]
I would never fly a plane, but I love a good landing strip.
- I do. - [cheering and applause]
I would never go fishing. That's a butch thing, you know?
But I'll shuck a clam. I will shuck...
[laughter and clapping]
I'm into traditional kinds of relationships.
Like, I'm-I'm the breadwinner. I date feminine women, you know?
You know, it's important to me
that they cook and clean and do the laundry.
[laughter]
They fucking better!
[audience laughing]
There was just someone not laughing, but just mouthing my face, just...
[audience laughing]
[Jessica chuckles]
I'm tired in bed at this point.
You know, I'm lazy. It-- I really am.
I'm just like, "Sit on me and spin around like a dreidel.
I'm fucking exhausted."
[audience laughing]
The last time a woman sat on my face, I fell asleep.
I was like...
It was fine, it was like a warm eye mask, you know what I'm saying?
- [chuckles] - [audience laughing]
She was so wooly, I started counting sheep.
[laughter and clapping]
[blowing forcefully] Um...
[audience laughing]
- [people cheering] - [Jessica chuckles]
Most of you just laugh.
Odds are, there's a couple of homophobes in the crowd.
They're all-- I mean, come on.
There's definitely some straight men here
who get hard at the gym and don't know why.
- [audience laughing] - [Jessica chuckles]
Some guys, you know, don't accept that you're gay.
That's the thing. And they'll say the dumbest things.
They really will. Like, these--
I remember one guy was like, [deep voice] "Do you guy-- Do you scissor?
Like, do fucking women scissor? Have you scissored in a while?"
[normal] I'm like, "Oh, please, I've been scissoring for years."
I've sheared.
- Okay, at this point, I'm shearing. - [audience laughing]
They've said dumb things to me.
Like, when I was younger, this guy was like,
[deep voice] "I could change you."
[normal] I'll never forget this.
[deep] "I can change you. Trust me, I can change you."
[normal] I'm like, "Sir, you smell like shit."
[audience laughing]
I need to change you, like, literally.
[cheering and applause]
I-- I need to change-- Like, I need to change you.
You stink. [laughs]
[cheering and applause continue]
One guy was like, [deep voice] "You just haven't been with the right guy.
Trust me. You haven't been with the right guy."
[normal] I'm like, "I am the right guy."
[cheering and applause]
So great.
I am.
I'm like, "Just ask my girlfriend, Melissa.
My tongue is like a flag in a windstorm."
[laughter]
[imitating flag flapping]
I have four daughters from two different women.
Um, I just couldn't stop nutting inside of them.
[audience laughing]
I wanted to spread my seed, you know?
[high, squeaky voice] My sesame seed.
[audience laughing]
[Jessica chuckles]
I saw-- [laughs]
I saw an old friend recently, and she's like,
[high, nasal] "Oh, my God, was it planned?"
[laughter]
[normal] I think it's the dumbest question
that anyone has ever asked me in my entire life
if my children with women was planned.
I'm like, "No, my condom broke."
[robust laughter]
[Jessica chuckles]
There are religious people who will say that gay people want their kids to be gay,
that we try to make them gay.
I know some of you might not have heard this,
but that is completely true.
- It's true. I hate admitting it. - [cheering and applause]
But that is the only reason why I agreed to have children
was to create four big dykes.
[laughter]
'Cause it's an easier life.
So, why wouldn't I want that for my four precious daughters?
So, we are doing everything we can to make that happen.
I don't care if they're kind, I don't care if they're loving.
I don't even care if they're educated.
I just want them to be fucking truck drivers.
- [cheering and applause] - Yep.
Because I want them to be accepted.
And by the way, we're out to get your kids too,
to the straight people in the crowd.
Every gay person in this audience knows it
because we're on secret Facebook groups.
[laughter]
We get emails. Did you guys get the email today?
It was-- Yeah, you got it? It was so intense.
We have Amber Alerts on our phones.
Gay Amber Alerts. They're called Gamber Alerts.
[laughter]
They go... ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪
[laughter and cheering]
And when there's a child that's really close, it's amped up.
♪ La-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la ♪
[audience laughing and cheering]
We have candy.
We have vans, we have cookies.
We have Fag Newtons, we have Fag Newton-- [laughs]
We even have very long nets.
We can grab your children off of your lawns,
bring them into our vans and make them gay within five minutes.
[laughter]
Let me give you an example. If you have a boy on your lawn who's like,
[deep voice] "I wanna play football, Dad,"
[normal] I will-- my Gamber Alert will go off.
♪ La-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪
I will jump into my van.
[laughter]
I will grab my Fag Newtons, I will...
- [audience laughing] - [Jessica chuckles]
...drive up to your house.
I will grab one of my nets. I have 11 of them.
[laughter]
Look at some of you. "Wow, that's a lot."
You're liter--
I will grab your child, bring them into my van.
And within five minutes, that same little boy that was like,
[deep voice] "I wanna play football,"
[nornal] five minutes later, will come outta my van and be like,
[singing] ♪ I wanna be on Broadway ♪
- [cheering and applause] - ♪ Papa ♪
[cheering and applause continue]
So, we are doing everything we can
to turn our four daughters into big, dyke, butch lesbians.
We've been taking them to a lot of softball games
- just to get the mannerisms down. - [laughter]
We forbid them to eat hot dogs, of course,
they can only eat clams and oysters.
And we named all four of them Hillary Rodham Clinton because...
[laughter and clapping]
...we know how much people love her in this country,
so we just... [chuckles]
Every time I say her name, the whole crowd goes, "Ha, ha!"
[audience laughing]
My, uh, my three youngest are actually really girly.
That's the funny thing. [laughs] They always wear dresses
and they dress up in crowns.
They're so cute. And they do shows for me a lot.
And they fucking suck. They suck...
[people laughing]
...so bad. It is painful because I'm a performer
and I'm like, "Gotta get it together. This is--
Mama doesn't have a lot of downtime. This is really..."
I'm like, "Twirl around, bitch!" You know what I mean?
"Do a split, motherfucker!" Like, this is...
[laughter]
I went to their dance recital with all the other kids,
and I literally was watching them. It looked like--
They looked like wandering Jews, they were just...
[audience laughing]
It looked like a methadone clinic.
Like, just people walking around the hallway looking for a nurse.
One of the kids in their class fell into the band,
and then she had the nerve to bow.
I'm like, "Are you fucking kidding me?"
[audience laughing]
The other parents were throwing flowers.
I threw a brick. I was like, "Fuck you."
[cheering and applause]
They were like, [high-pitched] "Let's go for ice cream."
[normal] I'm like, "Mom is gonna relapse. This is it, this..."
[laughter]
They put me down a lot 'cause kids are honest, you know?
You know that, they'll say everything that's on their mind.
Like, this is literally what happened. This is where material comes from.
I was in the shower recently, and my daughter walked in
and literally looked me up and down, and looked disgusted.
She was like...
[audience laughing]
And then, [chuckles] I swear,
she starts crying looking at my naked body.
She's like... [sobbing]
[audience laughing]
So, I open the door and I'm like, "Are you okay, honey?"
And you're gonna laugh. This is literally what she said to me.
She goes, [high-pitched] "I don't wanna look like you."
[laughter]
[normal] I'm like, "It's okay. We used Mommy's egg."
Like, I didn't know what to say to her.
[laughter]
She literally put me down again. She looked at me and she goes,
[high-pitched] "Mama, you have eyelashes in your nostrils."
[gasps and laughter]
[normal] I'm like, "Fuck you!
You smell like a barn animal, bitch."
[laughter and clapping]
They always wanna hear the same stories,
and lately, it's been Cinderella.
Some of you know this if you have kids.
And it's-- I'm like, I am so sick of telling the story of Cinderella.
I've been telling it for literally like a month and a half.
I'm like, "Can we say another story now?"
They're like, [high-pitched baby voice] "I wanna hear Cinderella.
"I only wanna hear Cinderella.
Cinderella."
[normal] I'm like, "Okay, this bitch wasn't invited to a party.
[audience laughing]
"She went there, and she blew a guy, and she left a shoe.
[laughter and clapping]
"He came to find her, and they fuck forever.
[laughter]
Now, we're gonna do Beauty and the Beast!"
[audience laughing]
[people clapping]
My 17-year-old only talks to me in TikTok dances,
and I have no idea what she's saying.
You can't understand what these kids are saying anymore.
She's like, literally, she's like, [high, nasal] "Mama, seriously,
"you were supposed to pick me up from school the other day
"and you were, like, so late.
I don't even know what's going on." [babbles gibberish]
[normal] And I'm like, "What?"
And she's like, [high, nasal] "Why don't you understand me?
Like, everyone else understands me." [babbles gibberish]
[normal] So, now I just talk to her like that too
because she doesn't listen to me anyway.
I'm like, "Zoe, seriously?" [babbles gibberish]
[laughter and clapping]
She's like, [high, nasal] "You're so cringe.
You are, like, so cringe."
[normal] I'm like, "No, this is cringe."
[grunting and exclaiming loudly]
[grunts] Um...
[audience laughing]
I just pulled something in the back of my shoulder. I--
[people clapping]
She introduced me to her boyfriend, Blake, recently.
I don't care what anyone says,
teenage boys are the most awkward people on the planet.
You can argue with me, I don't care.
She's like, [high, nasal] "Mama, this is Blake. I love him."
- [chuckles] - [audience laughs]
This was Blake. I'm like, "Hi, Blake."
He's like, [low, awkward] "Hey."
[audience laughing]
[laughter continues]
[raucous laughter]
"What's up?"
- [laughter] - [audience member] Woo!
[normal] I'm like, "Does Blake have to go to the hospital?
"Does he wear a fucking helmet? Like, what is wrong with this kid?
He just peed all over my living room."
[audience laughing]
I stood by her room to listen to them talk 'cause I need material,
and it literally...
- [chuckles] - [audience laughing]
...sounded like a petting zoo, um,
where the animals were dying to get out.
She was like, [high, nasal] "Oh, my God, Blake,
I can't wait for your soccer."
[cawing]
[normal] He was like... [groaning]
And she's like... [grunting and cawing]
And he was like... [groaning]
I never thought of getting a gun until that moment.
I was like...
[cheering and applause]
You know, having kids is interesting because I-- uh, my parents are amazing,
but my father was tough. You know, he was really tough.
He, he was the funniest person I've ever met in my life,
and very loving in a lot of ways.
But he was tough, you know, he was like-- had a temper,
um, and he w-- he also wore an enormous toupee.
And that is an interesting combination
because what he would do when he was enraged
is that he would rip it off and throw it.
- Um... [chuckles] - [audience laughing]
And... [chuckles] it had tape on it, and it was very big.
Um...
like, we were in a store once and he got very upset
and he's like, [gruff voice] "I don't like these prices."
[imitates whooshing] [normal] And he just...
[laughter]
...threw it into an aisle.
Um...
and then, he left the store,
and he's like, [gruff voice] "Jessi, go get my hair."
[normal] And I'm like, "Dad, that's a body part.
You know what I'm saying? Like, that's..."
So, I went to get it, and I put it on my head,
and I've been wearing it ever since, you know?
- Um, yeah. - [laughter and applause]
Thank you for clapping at my horrible hair.
That makes me feel good.
[applause continues]
Yeah, he, uh, he would, you know,
he'd get upset, like, when things would spill or stuff, you know?
One time, I spill a cup of water,
and he literally was like, [gruff voice] "Oh, man, there's water on the floor!"
[normal] And I'm like, "It's-It's just a cup, Dad."
[gruff] "It's not a cup. It's like a pitcher-full.
"There's a pitcher of water.
"It's gonna go everywhere. It's like a flood.
"There's a flood in the house and I'm gonna slip on it
"and I'm gonna break my neck.
"And business is bad. The market's a mess.
"But what the fuck? What am I gonna do?
You caused the market to be a mess."
Um-- [snickering]
[normal] So, now I overcompensate with my kids.
Like, I c-- I c-- I don't reprimand.
Like, my daughter spilled water recently on me.
[frantic] "It's okay!
"It's okay that you spilled water!
"Mama spills water all the time! You're not gonna be damaged!
"Look, Mama's spilling a bucket of water!
"Here's a hose. Look!
"Look, there's water all over the place!
It's okay!"
[normal] Anyway, um...
[audience laughing]
- ...my-- [chuckles] - [cheering and applause]
My daughter put her finger in the socket recently.
I'm like, [frantic] "It's okay you put your finger in the socket!
"Mama put a toaster in the bath today!
I tried to kill myself!"
[cheering and applause]
[normal] My daughter literally wrote, "I hate lesbian Jews" on the floor,
and I'm like, [frantic] "What a beautiful project!"
[audience laughing]
"You're so creative!"
Okay.
[slight chuckle]
[normal] I left there and fucked my face with 86 Twinkies.
That's what really happened.
[audience member 1] Gotta do what you gotta do!
What?
[audience member 2] You gotta do what you gotta do.
I love you. [New York accent] "You gotta do what you gotta do."
[laughter and applause]
[normal] That's so New York.
[New York accent] "If you have to fuck your face with 86 Twinkies, do it."
[audience laughing]
- [cheering and applause] - So New York. I love it.
- [cheering and applause continue] - Yeah.
At least it wasn't 87.
[laughter]
I, uh, I almost blew up during COVID again.
So, I was like, I better do something. This is really true.
So, I joined Weight Watchers,
where you download the app and it counts the points.
The problem is, I lie on it.
I lie on my own app, and I'm the only one that sees it.
Do you know how fucked up that is?
The other day, I had a pint of ice cream and I wrote down, "One baby carrot."
- [audience laughing] - [Jessica chuckles]
I also lie on other apps too.
I bought a Fitbit, and now I just strap it on my dog
- and take him to the track. [laughs] - [audience laughing]
And he's exhausted, but I feel great about my progress.
- [laughs] - [audience laughing]
I'm such a liar. I don't even have a fucking dog.
I don't.
[people laughing and clapping]
I lie when I'm getting room service. This is so vulnerable.
Like, I don't have to tell you guys this, but I do. [chuckles]
It's amazing.
Like, when I call, I don't want the person
knowing how much I'm ordering for myself.
I'll never even meet this person, but I care what they think of me.
It's pathetic. So, I'll be like,
"Hi, can I get two orders of chicken wings?
"Hold on. Do you want ranch?
[audience laughing]
"Or blue cheese?
"Okay, he'll have six sides of ranch.
"'Cause he's a fat fuck, he is...
[laughter]
- ...out of control." [chuckles] - [cheering and applause]
Yeah.
Yeah, it's amazing. I, uh--
You know, I really did lose another person.
Like, weight-wise, I lost another person.
I lost my hungrier, happier self. That's really...
Her name is Fatalie Porkman.
- Um... - [audience laughing]
It's true, and sometimes she comes to visit me,
and, uh, it's a lot, you know, 'cause she'll be like,
[hyper] "Remember when we would go to the buffet
"and eat all the egg rolls?
"That was a blast!
"Remember when we got hit by a car,
"and the car was totaled?
"And we walked away unscathed?
[audience laughing]
"Remember [chuckling] when we stole all the Halloween candy
from those three girls and ran for our lives?"
[audience laughing]
[normal] That's exhausting, I have to tell you.
That is a workout to do that character.
[hyper exclaiming]
[audience laughing]
I went to camp for fat kids.
Uh, it was-- No, it was great.
Some of you will get sad because I don't know why.
Fat camp was fun.
We all went on our own bus.
- [people cheering] - We used to play--
- [laughter and applause] - We--
We used to play a lot of fun games like breathing, chafing.
[audience laughing]
Try to hide and seek. That was fun.
[people cheering and clapping]
I would say to my friend, Jody, "I can see you behind the barn.
[laughter]
You need to find a mountain. I mean... [scoffs]"
There were no top bunks for safety reasons, of course.
[laughter]
We loved playing catch...
our breath. You know, it was...
[audience laughing]
We used to have to go for walks every morning.
That was great, we'd hear...
[imitates horn playing "Reveille"]
And we'd walk up and down hills, you know, next to cattle.
This is totally true.
And people that would drive into town would get-- be supportive.
You know, they'd yell out, "Good job, kids!"
And we would go... [mooing]
[laughter and clapping]
[Jessica chuckles]
I gave my first handjob in fat camp. This is totally true.
- [people cheering] - It took me an hour to find his dick.
I'm like, "Where the fuck is this thing?!"
It was like another camp activity.
[cheering and clapping]
I felt like I was kneading bread.
- [audience laughing] - I really did, like I was ab... [chuckles]
Do you know when he came, warm butter came out?
[audience laughing]
[Jessica laughs]
No wonder why I stayed fat. It was delicious.
[audience screaming, laughing]
[people clapping]
[laughter continues]
[Jessica laughs]
So, I went to a trauma center. Um...
[Jessica laughing] I love that segue.
"It was warm butter, it was delicious. I went to a trauma center."
And I got sober, uh, during COVID.
Um, and it was-- Thank you. Thank you so much for supporting.
- [cheering and applause] - I'm joking. I'm totally joking that.
Yeah, this is upbeat. Anyway, um,
no, it's great. I mean, I-I had a problem with drugs.
You know you have a problem with cocaine
when you're like, "It's my turn," and you're alone.
- [audience laughing] - That's a fucking problem.
You guys are so great.
[Jessica laughing]
I will relapse before I die.
I'm telling you, I'm gonna relapse on crystal meth,
because I never tried it, and, um, I will.
I'll live in an over-55 development in Florida,
and I'll be like,
[high, squeaky voice] "I just ran around the golf course 68 times.
Who wants to fuck?"
[normal] You know what I'm saying?
[audience laughing]
- [Jessica grunting] - [cheering and applause]
[high, squeaky] "Get over here, Shelby." [exclaiming]
[laughter and clapping]
[normal] When I got to the, um, the place, it was amazing
'cause the woman that checked me in, uh, was unbelievable.
It was the first person I saw there.
And I literally walked in the office and I sat down,
and she literally looked at me
and she's like, [soft, nervous voice] "Hello.
"Welcome to the trauma center.
[audience laughing]
"You're gonna get a lot of things done here.
"We're gonna take really good care of you.
"You're gonna heal a lot of wounds.
You're gonna do breath work and exposure therapy."
[normal] I'm like, "Are you a patient?"
[audience laughing]
"Did you leave a group?" Like, what the fuck is going on right now?
I looked down to see if she was wearing paper slippers.
I was like...
And then we dated, and it was really...
[laughter]
...an incredible relationship.
[cheering and applause]
I, uh, I did therapy with a horse.
Um, I did equine therapy. Don't even ask.
I would've never done this if I wasn't in such bad shape. [laughs]
I mean, I'm very open, but this was a lot.
Uh...
and the woman took me down there and she's like,
"We're gonna do therapy with a horse,
"and it's really gonna heal you.
"Um, you're gonna stand across from the horse
"and the horse is gonna take on your feelings,
and the horse is gonna mirror you."
And, um, I'm like, "If the horse takes on my feelings
"and experiences what I'm experience,
"it's gonna fucking kill itself, okay?
[laughter and clapping]
"It's gonna drop dead, because I'm not okay.
Do you understand that I'm not okay right now?" [chuckles]
So, I stood... [laughing] across from this horse.
I'm literally staring in this horse's face.
And I felt like it was like-- I really felt like the horse
was looking at me like, "Wow, another horse."
You know what I mean? Like...
[audience laughing]
"She's pretty, you know?" I really...
And then I look down, and the horse had a hard-on, I swear.
Has anyone ever seen a horse with a hard-on?
It's, it's a wiffle bat. It is enormous.
It's this big, okay? It's huge.
And I really felt good. I'm not kidding.
It was the best I felt during my time at the trauma center.
I finally turned something on.
And then I sucked it, and the thing is...
[raucous laughter]
[cheering and applause]
...I was shocked because warm butter came out, you know what I mean?
[raucous laughter]
[Jessica chuckles]
I, uh, I really am trying to take care of myself.
And, uh, you know, I went to Sephora recently.
That's the butch thing about me, I do not know how to put on makeup.
I've tried for years; I don't know how.
And when I put on makeup,
I look like I've been passed around at a frat party.
It's a fucking
- [chuckles] mess. - [audience laughing]
So, I-- [laughs] I went to Sephora,
and I went up to the most bedazzled gay guy I could find.
- [cheering and applause] - I know.
Heaven for me. Heaven, because I knew he'd be honest with me.
'Cause those young girls are full of shit, you know?
They're like, [high, nasal] "You look great. You're doing a great job.
"You are. You can do it.
"And you're thin, you're thin.
And your boobs are even. They're real--"
[normal] And I'm like, "No, my boobs aren't even,
and my bra looks like a dog toy."
But anyway...
I went up to him and I was like, "Uh, can you help me?"
And literally, he looked at me and he goes,
[energetic] "Oh, honey!
[audience laughing]
"We have a lot of work to do!
[laughter and applause]
"This bitch is a mess. And she's famous.
"I know you from TikTok.
In every video, you look like Michael Jackson."
[audience laughing]
[applause]
[people cheering and whistling]
[normal] I was there for hours, I'm not kidding.
He spent hours on me.
Do you know, when I left there, I looked like a drag queen.
- I looked like RuPaul. - [audience laughing]
I had a wig on, a gown, high heels.
I had a dick. Do you understand?
[laughter]
I got head. You know, the thing is...
- [audience laughing] - [Jessica chuckles]
I, uh-- This crowd, I have to tell you, you guys have been unbelievable.
- I really love this crowd. Thank you. - [cheering and applause]
I'm so grateful to you guys.
You know, I-I love my fans.
Uh, I-- been doing this for a long time, and I am so grateful to my fans.
I'm so-- You know, I deal with a lot of stuff you deal with,
uh, anxiety, depression.
And, um, I get messages every day, uh, from people all over, like,
"Hi, Jessica, this is your mentally ill fan from Ohio.
[laughter]
"I just wanna say I'm barely alive. But your...
"video today about tits and Jews really...
- [audience laughing] - [Jessica laughs]
"...really helped me just wanna be here one more day.
I'm just hoping tomorrow's video is as funny."
[laughter]
I'm like, "That's a lot of pressure, Mary," like...
Because, you know, it's not easy. You know, and I have anxiety.
I was walking down the street recently, and these two girls
were walking in front of me, and I'm having, like, that--
those heart palpitations and all that stuff.
I know, some of you deal with it. It's so hard.
And they were having the craziest conversation.
This girl's like, [high, nasal] "Oh, my God, Chelsea,
"you're not gonna believe this.
"But I was on TikTok, and I post this video
"and, like, nobody liked it and nobody commented.
"And I was, like, so upset because, like, I'm an influencer.
"And, like, this is really upsetting because, like, nobody commented.
"It was, like, really upsetting 'cause the algorithm's off.
And, like, the lighting was perfect, and my makeup looked perfect."
[speaking gibberish rapidly]
- [cheering and applause] - [normal] Right? I know.
Yeah.
I know, and then, the other girl was like,
[high, nasal] "Oh, my God, you should've called me or texted me.
We're BFFs." [speaking gibberish rapidly]
[normal] So, I killed them. I fucking killed them.
- [cheering and applause] - I did. I know.
I did. I killed them.
Because, like I said, they're not gonna stop talking like that.
Like, you're gonna go to a doctor and be like,
"Hi, I'm really not feeling well. I have a fever."
[high, nasal] "Oh, my God, are you congested?
"'Cause I was watching a reel the other day,
"and this girl was, like, so congested, and I was like, 'Oh, my God.
"How are you breathing right now?'
"Does your throat hurt? Like, does it hurt when you swallow?
"Because I met the cutest guy the other day, and I swallowed.
"I swallowed his load, and I was like... [grunting]
And now, I'm like, 'Is he gonna call me?'"
[normal] How do you fuck a girl like that? Can you imagine?
[high, nasal] "Oh, my God, fuck me harder. You're not fucking me harder.
"I said fuck me harder. You're not doing it.
"I said fuck me harder. Come on, fuck me harder.
[low, gruff] "Fuck me harder, motherfucker!
[audience laughing]
[high, nasal] "Okay, you're fucking me harder now.
"Do you love me? Do you love me?
"I know we just met, but do you love me? Do you love me?
"Will you marry me? Do you love me? You're not listening to me.
"No one ever listens to me. Do you love me?
[low, gruff] "Do you love me?! Do you?!
[high, nasal] "Okay, okay, I think I'm gonna come. I'm gonna come.
"I'm gonna come, come, come. I'm gonna come.
"I'm gonna come. I'm gonna come.
"I'm gonna come. Here we go. Here we go.
- "Here we go! This is amazing! - [audience cheering]
"Okay. Um, okay. Okay. Here we go.
Here we go. Here we go."
[high-pitched, nasal moaning]
[barking loudly]
[normal] I'm losing my mind. [continues barking]
[nasal moaning]
[singing in high, nasal voice] ♪ We represent the lollipop guild ♪
[normal] You guys are amazing. Thank you so much.
- [cheering and applause] - Oh, my God. Thank you. I love you.
Oh, my God. Thank you.
- I love you so much. - [♪ upbeat music playing]
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, [indistinct].
[cheering and applause]
[mouthing] Thank you so much.
♪♪
[♪ music fades out]