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You know him from Chrissy Chaos!
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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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You might know him from
Hey Babe!
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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He is Chris Distefano!
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♪ See me dancing down the avenue ♪
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Yes!
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Hello!
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Tarrytown, Westchester, woo!
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Yeah, baby!
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Property taxes!
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Love Tarrytown Music Hall.
This place is haunted.
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Sit in your seat, sir.
You sit down.
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Yeah, just go 'head.
Go sit down, buddy.
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I like it, we let the migrants in. Um...
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I'm kidding, I'm just joking.
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Not in Westchester, motherfucker!
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Right? Woo!
I'm kidding. I'm just joking.
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This special, I'm gonna talk
about what I talked about
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in the beginning of the last special.
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It's over for white people.
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Alright? I mean,
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let's be honest.
We had a nice run, though.
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We really did.
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The whites, we had a nice run,
but, baby, it's over.
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Okay?
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I mean, 2,000 years though,
absolutely dominated.
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I mean, can we at least admit that?
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People fucked around and found out.
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But make no mistake, we're done.
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Step on your dumb white head.
Over.
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But you know me, dude,
I knew that it's not okay
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to be white moving into the new year.
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No more white.
It's not okay.
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So, I said I can't--
You know, I'm not-- I-I'm only white.
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I'm only-- I'm never gonna change,
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even though I am--
I would like to transition.
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I don't wanna transition sexually.
I do wanna transition racially.
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And I said the only way to do that
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is I can't have non-white kids,
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and now I'm proud to say
I have three kids, Puerto Rican.
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Three Puerto Rican kids.
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Yes.
Where are my Latinos at?
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Oh, my God.
Security, there's a lot of 'em!
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- Puerto Rico!
- Oh, my God, sir.
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Yeah, you're scaring the whites and--
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I sound like my family.
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Dude.
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So, I have three beautiful
Puerto Rican children
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'cause I knew--
Listen, here's the thing.
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The media,
they said nine years ago,
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they said, "Listen, the Latino minority
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is gonna become the Latino majority."
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I said, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em."
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And I went out nine, 10 years ago,
I found a beautiful Latina woman.
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We had unprotected sex first date,
that's how I roll, and--
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Chrissy Drip-Drop.
You know what it is.
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We were having sex, she was like, "Papi."
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I was like, "Okay."
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Just let it fly. Direct hit.
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And now we have three
beautiful Puerto Rican kids.
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Their names are
Niña, Pinta, and Santa Maria.
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And they are little explorers.
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Uh...
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It's beautiful.
It's a beautiful thing.
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It's really fun to be, like,
the only white guy in your family.
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My whole family's--
I love Puerto Rican culture.
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I love the Latino culture.
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- Woo!
- Very family-oriented, yes.
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There's always a lot of people
in my house.
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Like, I'll go home tonight, there'll be
10 people in my house I don't know. I--
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They're just out there.
Every day, I'm going to the airport,
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picking up people from San Juan,
we're getting' back.
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Pito's here. We got it!
I love it.
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Did you get to see my Christmas picture?
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It was me
and 90 Puerto Rican people.
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I look like I was being sacrificed.
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I--
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I, I thought they were
gonna pour adobo on me.
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Chrissy Chuleta.
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But it's a beautiful thing,
dude, to have kids.
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I mean, who has kids out there?
Who has children?
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There ya go. There ya go.
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See that? Here's the thing.
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Towns like this,
I feel more normal in here
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'cause people have children, you know?
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'Cause here the-- Here-- The truth is,
I don't have anything in common anymore
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with people that don't have kids.
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And whatever you wanna-- I support you.
Your body, your choice.
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Whatever you wanna do, you know?
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In New York, you can abort your kid
up 'til its 18th birthday.
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There aren't--
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Whatever you wanna do.
I love it.
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Whatever, whatever you wanna do.
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But it's just-- it's to the point now
where I have to be honest with you,
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I believe if you have no kids,
you have no problems.
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I don't know what
you're complaining about in your life.
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If you have no children,
go do whatever you wanna do,
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whenever you wanna do it.
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Nobody's stopping you but you.
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I can't do whatever I want.
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Every step I take, I have
three little fuckin' empanadas
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on my ankle.
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Just being like,
"Papi. Leche."
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She's leaving, she's like,
"Not if he's gonna make fun of milk!"
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It's hard.
I'm telling you, you know?
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Like, well, first of all, like,
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my oldest daughter
doesn't even speak English.
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It's like, I have issues here.
She won't-- My-- She refuses.
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She's neglecting the white side
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and only honoring abuelita
and the Latina side.
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She just-- Because you know how it i--
'Cause in school, you know the curriculum.
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"White people suck.
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"Christopher Columbus
gave you AIDS!
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White people are the devil!"
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And I love my daughter, you know?
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And she comes home, I'm like,
"How was your day, baby?"
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She's like,
"Oh, fuck you, Dad!
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I just learned about what
you and your people did!"
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And I have to be like,
"No, love me. Come on.
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You know Bad Bunny.
I'm Good Bunny."
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"Conejo Bueno."
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I know.
I don't even know why people with no kids,
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like, when they complain,
it's like the algorithm
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and the media has made you
think you're sick.
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You have, like, a mental health issue.
You don't.
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Like, I was talking
to a girl the other day.
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She was like,
"I am just paralyzed.
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"I don't know what to do.
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Should I break up
with my boyfriend?"
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I was like, "Um, I-I don't know.
Do you guys have kids?"
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"No."
Kill him!
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That's what I would do if I were you.
I'd kill your boyfriend, lady.
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Who cares? The police?
They don't give a shit.
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You're making it up.
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You don't have any...
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You know, another thing, too.
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Please, if-- You know,
if you don't have kids,
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please don't burden parents
with your problems.
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It's like, I can't also now
figure out your life, too.
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Alright? My family
doesn't even speak English.
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Like I-- You know?
That's a safety issue.
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I can't...
I can't now also--
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I got a friend, he'll leave me,
like, nine-minute voice memos.
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"Chris, can I talk to you
for a second about my mental health?
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"I'm feeling, like, alone, and people
are not really respecting me at work.
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"And, you know, I used to do comedy,
and now I opened up a sandwich shop,
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"and it's just really getting difficult
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for me to just figure
out my place in this."
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I'm like, "Dude, my kids
are sticking their feet
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in the Nutribullet. What the..."
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"Figure it out!"
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You know what I'm talking about.
People with ki--
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I can't come off the carpet, by the way.
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They told me if I co--
So, just know, I'm coming right to here.
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I cannot come off this carpet.
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They told me, "You better not!"
But I'll come right here.
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Why are you dressed-- Uh, you--
Why are you wearing your coaching outfit?
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What is SJB Football?
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It's just, uh, where I used to coach.
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Yes, but why are you wearing it,
like, tucked into your pants
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on a Sunday night, dude?
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You're not on the field!
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She's like, "I am not fucking you tonight.
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"No, not unless...
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Get a whistle."
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Alright, good for you.
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The world is tough right now.
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The media,
they do a number on people.
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They make everyone
think they're sick.
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The world now is about,
words speak louder than actions.
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It's not actions speak louder than words.
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Now, it's words speak louder than actions.
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And that's a to--
That's a slippery slope kind of world.
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You gotta walk on eggshells.
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That's tough.
But it's the news.
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People get sucked into the news.
Parents, I don't.
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I'm not watching the news.
How?
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I'm in fourth place in my own life.
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Like, what am I doing?
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I can't. I cannot do it.
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And I got a friend,
he's a social justice warrior.
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That's good. That's fun.
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And he's just, you know,
he's always mad at me.
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He's like,
"Chris!
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"Are you using your platform
to make a difference?
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"You have to ask yourself
every single day,
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"are you using your platform
to make a difference?
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Are you watching the news?"
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I'm like, "No, you stupid asshole."
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I'm not watching the news.
I have three kids.
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I'm watching Cocomelon
with a fucking gun in my mouth.
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All day, every day.
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They sing songs
about the solar system.
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I push the gun further
and further back.
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I'm gonna blow my head off
in front of my family.
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And Pinta's gonna go,
"Ay, Dios mío. Ay!"
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It's hard.
You know, I don't know, I have no--
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You know, parents, like, they--
O-Our life is about the kids, I don't--
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Movies, TV shows, I have no idea.
I have no idea what's going on.
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I watch what the children
wanna watch, right?
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That's what parents--
Whatever the kids wanna do
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and watch, that's what I watch.
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Then, what happens?
Parents know.
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Watch whatever they wanna watch,
they fall asleep,
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I put them in bed,
I come back downstairs,
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and I just continue watching
whatever they were watching
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'cause I am violently depressed, alright?
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I mean, the lights are on,
but nobody's home.
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I have quiet quit.
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00:09:54,885 --> 00:09:57,053
It's-- Ya know?
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The next thing you know,
I'm sitting there by myself.
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00:09:59,223 --> 00:10:02,267
It's 3:30 in the morning,
snap into consciousness,
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00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:04,353
and I just start jerking off
to The Little Mermaid.
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00:10:05,646 --> 00:10:07,314
That's what it is.
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00:10:07,315 --> 00:10:11,318
Just holding it,
waiting for Ursula to come on
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00:10:11,319 --> 00:10:13,737
'cause I know she's over 18, and--
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00:10:13,738 --> 00:10:16,239
Right?
We got the same haircut.
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Get--
220
00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:20,161
Gettin' a little squid cleavage.
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00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:22,829
I'm waiting for my part.
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00:10:22,830 --> 00:10:25,875
♪ Poor unfortunate souls ♪
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Then a little cum.
Just a teardrop of cum.
224
00:10:30,504 --> 00:10:32,297
Just a drop.
Nobody's shooting ropes.
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00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:34,049
I haven't shot a rope in 10 years
226
00:10:34,050 --> 00:10:36,259
'cause I got a swollen prostate
I can't get looked at
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00:10:36,260 --> 00:10:38,638
'cause the kids have fuckin' soccer,
so that's...
228
00:10:39,889 --> 00:10:41,306
Right?
You know what I'm talkin' about, dude.
229
00:10:41,307 --> 00:10:43,016
You ever have a swollen nut?
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00:10:43,017 --> 00:10:45,018
It's just hard-- It's just different.
231
00:10:45,019 --> 00:10:46,519
You know, we're living
in a different world.
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00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:49,064
I said the words
speak louder than actions.
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00:10:49,065 --> 00:10:51,024
And people now will just say
whatever they want
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00:10:51,025 --> 00:10:52,609
to, like, excuse bad behavior.
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00:10:52,610 --> 00:10:53,693
Everyone, you know?
236
00:10:53,694 --> 00:10:55,779
"It's a safe space,
everyone gets away with everything,"
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00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:56,863
and it's ridiculous.
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00:10:56,864 --> 00:10:59,658
Everybody wants to be a part
of everything now, too.
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00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,326
Have you noticed it?
Like, everybody just want--
240
00:11:01,327 --> 00:11:03,953
Like, everybody says
they're on the spectrum now.
241
00:11:03,954 --> 00:11:07,040
Everybody's just on the spectrum.
I'm like, what?
242
00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:08,249
Really, you're on the spectrum?
243
00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:10,711
You better have a helmet on
and be fuckin' biting me.
244
00:11:12,380 --> 00:11:14,506
Okay?
Every time we hang out,
245
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:17,759
I wanna get a tetanus shot
'cause you're outta your mind!
246
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:21,388
You're on the spectrum, shut up.
No, you're not, dude.
247
00:11:21,389 --> 00:11:23,264
You're not on the spectrum,
you're just 46 years old,
248
00:11:23,265 --> 00:11:26,893
you still think wrestling's real.
That's all, ya know?
249
00:11:26,894 --> 00:11:29,187
You might be on the spectrum, sir. If--
250
00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:32,692
Listen, this joke--
Everybody but you.
251
00:11:34,193 --> 00:11:37,404
It's nuts. But, right?
This is the world.
252
00:11:37,405 --> 00:11:40,031
You know as a coach.
I mean, it's hard to coach--
253
00:11:40,032 --> 00:11:41,826
No, it's hard to coach the kids.
254
00:11:43,411 --> 00:11:45,120
Like, look, man, you know,
like, you gotta--
255
00:11:45,121 --> 00:11:47,747
It's, it's a slippery slope,
you, you know?
256
00:11:47,748 --> 00:11:50,333
People are just-- they're getting
sucked into the algorithm.
257
00:11:50,334 --> 00:11:52,544
You know, they're getting
sucked into the media.
258
00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:54,879
They got no kids,
they got nothing going on.
259
00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:56,339
And you piss people off.
260
00:11:56,340 --> 00:11:59,259
People are fighting, like,
this invisible, like, politics war
261
00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:00,969
that doesn't even exist.
262
00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:02,512
Like, you're safe here,
and people are like,
263
00:12:02,513 --> 00:12:04,639
"No, I'm angry all the time!"
264
00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:05,807
And you walk into it.
265
00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:09,144
Dude, I triggered somebody
the other day with a coffee order.
266
00:12:09,145 --> 00:12:11,396
Could you imagine?
All I did was order a coffee.
267
00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:13,523
This person snapped!
268
00:12:13,524 --> 00:12:15,567
'Cause I used what they thought
was the wrong word.
269
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,277
It was nuts.
Listen, I get it.
270
00:12:17,278 --> 00:12:19,821
I don't have a safe white look.
271
00:12:19,822 --> 00:12:22,407
I get that this isn't--
I got January 6th look.
272
00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:23,783
I get it.
273
00:12:23,784 --> 00:12:26,203
This is J6L.
274
00:12:27,329 --> 00:12:28,496
It's a cologne I'm selling.
275
00:12:28,497 --> 00:12:31,375
By Trump, and--
276
00:12:32,042 --> 00:12:34,085
Dude, there's sweat in my eyes.
It's nuts!
277
00:12:34,086 --> 00:12:36,129
But I don't care.
278
00:12:36,130 --> 00:12:39,299
I'm gonna just do it
'til I'm fuckin' blind.
279
00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:40,593
Put me in, Coach!
280
00:12:41,802 --> 00:12:43,887
Can you please untuck
your shirt at least, please?
281
00:12:43,888 --> 00:12:45,597
Thank you.
Jesus fuckin' Christ.
282
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:48,850
This guy's-- Yeah, pull it out!
There it is.
283
00:12:48,851 --> 00:12:51,227
I wanted to see his--
284
00:12:51,228 --> 00:12:52,938
There it is, folks.
285
00:12:57,860 --> 00:13:00,612
'Kay. Alright.
286
00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:02,530
No.
287
00:13:02,531 --> 00:13:05,658
So, yeah, dude, I triggered
somebody with a coffee order.
288
00:13:05,659 --> 00:13:08,578
Could you imagine,
something as benign as that?
289
00:13:08,579 --> 00:13:10,038
I walk in, you know, a new coffee shop.
290
00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:12,708
The barista was there,
very woke, you know?
291
00:13:13,876 --> 00:13:15,503
Blue hair, don't care.
292
00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:19,589
Her name was Annie Antifa.
293
00:13:19,590 --> 00:13:22,675
And she was just ready to go!
294
00:13:22,676 --> 00:13:25,930
Just angry!
"I'm just mad!"
295
00:13:27,223 --> 00:13:30,683
And so, you know,
I walked in and I order my coffee
296
00:13:30,684 --> 00:13:32,685
the same way I order it all the time.
297
00:13:32,686 --> 00:13:33,937
I was like, "Hey, how are ya?"
298
00:13:33,938 --> 00:13:37,482
I was like, "Can I have a small
iced coffee, black?"
299
00:13:37,483 --> 00:13:39,860
She was like, [exasperated] "What?
300
00:13:41,028 --> 00:13:44,405
Oh, my--
What did you just say to me?!"
301
00:13:44,406 --> 00:13:50,495
I was like, "Um, c-can I have
a small iced coffee, black?"
302
00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:52,664
She was like,
"Do you mean
303
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:54,040
"a small iced coffee
304
00:13:54,041 --> 00:13:56,084
with no cream?!"
305
00:13:56,085 --> 00:14:00,506
I was like,
"Um, isn't that the same-sicles as...
306
00:14:02,299 --> 00:14:06,177
...a small iced coffee, black?"
307
00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:08,429
She was like, [exasperated] "After what
the African American community
308
00:14:08,430 --> 00:14:10,181
"has been through the last three years,
309
00:14:10,182 --> 00:14:13,810
"I think you, especially you,
could do a better job
310
00:14:13,811 --> 00:14:15,895
ordering your coffee!"
311
00:14:15,896 --> 00:14:19,483
And I was like,
"Lady... sir...
312
00:14:19,900 --> 00:14:21,652
uh..."
313
00:14:27,157 --> 00:14:31,244
I said, "Listen to me!"
314
00:14:31,245 --> 00:14:35,039
I said, "I don't have the time or energy
315
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:37,625
"to try to figure out
the politically correct way
316
00:14:37,626 --> 00:14:39,878
"you want me to order a coffee, alright?
317
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:42,715
"I'm watching Encanto
to try to talk to my children.
318
00:14:44,216 --> 00:14:45,301
"So...
319
00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:51,764
"So... just do me a favor, please,
320
00:14:51,765 --> 00:14:57,396
and give me
my cafe negro pequeño right now."
321
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:03,402
"Give it to me,
before I talk about Bruno."
322
00:15:08,449 --> 00:15:13,161
You know, she probably went home,
talked to her cats, you know?
323
00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:16,414
"I was verbally assaulted at work today!
324
00:15:16,415 --> 00:15:20,586
Toxic masculinity!
I'm gonna kill myself!"
325
00:15:22,421 --> 00:15:24,173
Do it. Uh, like...
326
00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:27,842
actions, baby.
Just don't tweet about it.
327
00:15:27,843 --> 00:15:29,720
I don't need to see it live-streamed.
328
00:15:35,142 --> 00:15:38,019
Listen, you know, the people,
you know, parents in the room
329
00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:40,021
know it's hard with kids, you know,
especially, you know,
330
00:15:40,022 --> 00:15:43,816
my Latina women out there,
you like old-school guys, right?
331
00:15:43,817 --> 00:15:46,527
That's what it is.
It's all old-school kinda thing, you know?
332
00:15:46,528 --> 00:15:49,113
Like, they-- So, like, my--
You know, she-- My girl, she wants a guy
333
00:15:49,114 --> 00:15:51,908
who knows how to build stuff.
Like, that's-- We're build--
334
00:15:51,909 --> 00:15:55,161
I don't know how to build anything.
I can build walls emotionally. I--
335
00:15:55,162 --> 00:15:56,579
I'm good at that.
336
00:15:56,580 --> 00:15:57,872
You want a wall up?
337
00:15:57,873 --> 00:15:59,958
I'll do that.
You cannot get in.
338
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:02,085
It's like, no, I have no idea
how to build anything.
339
00:16:02,086 --> 00:16:04,713
I wear fucking Lululemon.
Like, I don't...
340
00:16:05,923 --> 00:16:07,674
Like, I can't help it,
you know, and she gets mad.
341
00:16:07,675 --> 00:16:10,803
Like the other day, I came into the house,
she was putting up sheetrock.
342
00:16:12,846 --> 00:16:16,891
I don't even know what sheetrock is.
She was, was putting it up.
343
00:16:16,892 --> 00:16:18,601
She was like,
"Are you gonna help me?"
344
00:16:18,602 --> 00:16:20,479
I was like, "Uh, yeah."
345
00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:24,900
I went to the kitchen,
I made us lemonades.
346
00:16:27,569 --> 00:16:29,697
Wearing one of her thongs.
You know?
347
00:16:31,782 --> 00:16:33,282
But you do it for the kids, Coach.
348
00:16:33,283 --> 00:16:35,576
That's what we're doing it for, you know?
349
00:16:35,577 --> 00:16:37,662
Want the kids to be--
And I love my kids, man.
350
00:16:37,663 --> 00:16:39,247
I really do.
My daughters.
351
00:16:39,248 --> 00:16:40,832
But it's like,
it's hard because, you know,
352
00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:44,752
you wanna reprimand them sometimes,
but sometimes my kids say funny stuff.
353
00:16:44,753 --> 00:16:46,212
I don't know what--
354
00:16:46,213 --> 00:16:48,214
Like, I-I-I have
my eight-year-old daughter
355
00:16:48,215 --> 00:16:50,049
and my two-year-old daughter,
and we walk.
356
00:16:50,050 --> 00:16:51,926
Our thing is, like, after dinner,
right before bed,
357
00:16:51,927 --> 00:16:54,429
we take a nice little walk
around the block, just our little thing.
358
00:16:54,430 --> 00:16:56,639
The other night, I'm-- we're walking,
I'm holding my two-year-old,
359
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,349
the eight-year-old's
a little in front of me,
360
00:16:58,350 --> 00:16:59,809
and she looks up at the moon.
361
00:16:59,810 --> 00:17:01,978
And she's like, "Look, Daddy,
the moon's broken."
362
00:17:01,979 --> 00:17:03,062
Aw, cute.
363
00:17:03,063 --> 00:17:04,939
Because it wasn't
a full moon, you know?
364
00:17:04,940 --> 00:17:07,275
It was, like, another one.
365
00:17:07,276 --> 00:17:10,570
I don't know the phases
of the moon, man.
366
00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:13,114
I'm not a fuckin' Native American,
I don't...
367
00:17:13,115 --> 00:17:14,657
I couldn't...
368
00:17:14,658 --> 00:17:16,075
A waning gibbous?
369
00:17:16,076 --> 00:17:18,245
I don't, I don't know.
370
00:17:19,788 --> 00:17:22,498
She's like, "Aw, the moon's broken."
Cute.
371
00:17:22,499 --> 00:17:25,085
And then my eight-year-old goes,
"Is she slow?"
372
00:17:26,754 --> 00:17:29,631
I was like, "Maybe."
373
00:17:32,092 --> 00:17:35,470
And, dude, let me tell you something
about my eight-year-old daughter, okay?
374
00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:39,015
I mean, this little girl, like, girl?
She's like a little woman.
375
00:17:39,016 --> 00:17:42,435
She's like a little pequeña woman.
She's just there.
376
00:17:42,436 --> 00:17:44,645
She just ha-- already has--
is born with that thing
377
00:17:44,646 --> 00:17:48,691
to just, you know, file away
something you said
378
00:17:48,692 --> 00:17:50,068
without even
acknowledging she knows.
379
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:52,945
Just file it away to release it for drama,
380
00:17:52,946 --> 00:17:54,697
for no reason, just bang.
381
00:17:54,698 --> 00:17:57,158
Just for no reason.
Just wants to cause the drama.
382
00:17:57,159 --> 00:17:59,869
I-- Like, the other day,
we had the best day ever.
383
00:17:59,870 --> 00:18:03,122
It was just my eight-year-old and I,
beautiful daddy-daughter day.
384
00:18:03,123 --> 00:18:04,373
I mean, everything.
385
00:18:04,374 --> 00:18:06,209
'Kay, we're going to the park, ice cream.
386
00:18:06,210 --> 00:18:08,586
I spent $200 at Claire's.
387
00:18:08,587 --> 00:18:12,965
Do you know how much
cheap gold plastic?
388
00:18:12,966 --> 00:18:14,801
I-- My kid looked like Mr. T.
389
00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:15,886
It--
390
00:18:16,261 --> 00:18:19,138
Not in blackface, just--
391
00:18:19,139 --> 00:18:22,058
Just FYI, just the jewelry.
392
00:18:22,059 --> 00:18:23,852
And so...
393
00:18:25,354 --> 00:18:28,523
I was like, the best day of days, right?
394
00:18:28,524 --> 00:18:30,441
We're out all day, eight hours.
395
00:18:30,442 --> 00:18:33,111
Five seconds of this
beautiful eight-hour day,
396
00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:35,863
a Latina woman and her husband and kids,
397
00:18:35,864 --> 00:18:38,866
the woman came up to me,
wanted to take a quick picture,
398
00:18:38,867 --> 00:18:40,493
something very nice to say.
399
00:18:40,494 --> 00:18:41,911
What a nice interaction.
400
00:18:41,912 --> 00:18:43,579
Five seconds.
My daughter wasn't even looking.
401
00:18:43,580 --> 00:18:45,123
I didn't even think
she was paying attention.
402
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:47,500
I don't even think she saw it.
I didn't think twice about her.
403
00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:50,419
Went out for another five hours,
the day of all days.
404
00:18:50,420 --> 00:18:54,590
As soon as we get home, I mean,
the second we walk into the house,
405
00:18:54,591 --> 00:18:57,343
my girl opens the door, and she was like,
"How was your day, honey?"
406
00:18:57,344 --> 00:19:00,012
She was like, "It was great.
Daddy took a picture with a woman
407
00:19:00,013 --> 00:19:02,349
who was as pretty,
maybe prettier than you."
408
00:19:04,101 --> 00:19:08,646
And then... just skipped away.
409
00:19:08,647 --> 00:19:10,816
Just skipped away.
410
00:19:12,818 --> 00:19:15,069
And I had no choice,
I had to eat my own words
411
00:19:15,070 --> 00:19:18,239
and do what I said I wouldn't.
I said, "She's on the spectrum.
412
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,908
"She-- She's--
413
00:19:20,909 --> 00:19:24,245
"This is my daughter. She's--
She's on the spectrum.
414
00:19:24,246 --> 00:19:25,706
She bit me!"
415
00:19:28,208 --> 00:19:30,209
It's hard. I'm telling you, dude,
if you take anything tonight,
416
00:19:30,210 --> 00:19:33,004
if you wanna have kids, I'm telling you,
just listen to what I'm telling.
417
00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:36,132
Listen to what I'm saying,
it's hard, about the words.
418
00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:37,550
The words speak louder than actions.
419
00:19:37,551 --> 00:19:40,178
That's the, that's the thing.
That's the fundamental difference
420
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:42,638
between now and 20 years ago.
421
00:19:42,639 --> 00:19:44,265
And girls are okay.
422
00:19:44,266 --> 00:19:46,684
Like, my daughters,
I got faith in them.
423
00:19:46,685 --> 00:19:48,144
They're good, right?
424
00:19:48,145 --> 00:19:50,688
Like, they're strong-willed,
funny, I'm funny.
425
00:19:50,689 --> 00:19:52,148
But boys, it's tough.
426
00:19:52,149 --> 00:19:54,650
I mean, think about being
a teenage boy today.
427
00:19:54,651 --> 00:19:56,569
- I mean, when I was 15...
- Woo!
428
00:19:56,570 --> 00:19:58,070
...the things I used to say,
429
00:19:58,071 --> 00:20:00,657
I would be publicly executed for--
430
00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:03,159
But back then,
there was no evidence.
431
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:05,328
Nobody heard me say it,
so I didn't say it.
432
00:20:05,329 --> 00:20:06,621
It's just--
433
00:20:06,622 --> 00:20:08,831
But now, everything you do,
434
00:20:08,832 --> 00:20:10,291
you gotta be really careful
435
00:20:10,292 --> 00:20:12,168
about the advice
you dole out to these kids.
436
00:20:12,169 --> 00:20:14,212
Very tough, and I think
it's harder with boys
437
00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:15,755
'cause I, like I said,
I have my daughters,
438
00:20:15,756 --> 00:20:18,007
but then I also have
a 13-year-old stepson.
439
00:20:18,008 --> 00:20:19,717
Alright, and I love my stepson.
440
00:20:19,718 --> 00:20:22,137
He's almost like my family.
I...
441
00:20:26,850 --> 00:20:29,727
I love--
He sleeps right there on my property.
442
00:20:29,728 --> 00:20:31,562
The-- He's right there.
Sleeps right there.
443
00:20:31,563 --> 00:20:32,647
I love--
444
00:20:32,648 --> 00:20:35,150
You know?
Right there.
445
00:20:36,610 --> 00:20:39,946
We live in the same house,
but we talk on Zoom only.
446
00:20:39,947 --> 00:20:41,990
You know, you gotta be careful. And...
447
00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:46,369
we were talking on Zoom
the other day,
448
00:20:46,370 --> 00:20:49,580
and I was trying
to talk to him, catch up.
449
00:20:49,581 --> 00:20:51,249
You know, I wanted to catch up.
I was like,
450
00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:53,626
"Come on, buddy, what's going on?
Tell me everything. What's going on?"
451
00:20:53,627 --> 00:20:56,545
I was like, "How's school?
You talking to any girls?"
452
00:20:56,546 --> 00:20:59,590
He was like, "Yeah.
Yeah, there's somebody."
453
00:20:59,591 --> 00:21:02,843
You know, he's like, "But-But honestly,
like, I don't know what to say sometimes.
454
00:21:02,844 --> 00:21:04,387
I just get stuck."
455
00:21:04,388 --> 00:21:06,430
I was like, "Let me tell you
something right now, okay?
456
00:21:06,431 --> 00:21:10,601
"Here's one thing I know for sure.
Girls love confidence.
457
00:21:10,602 --> 00:21:13,521
"That's what they wanna see from you.
Confidence, alright?
458
00:21:13,522 --> 00:21:17,359
I'm gonna teach you some stuff
the stoics said, some Marcus Aurelius."
459
00:21:17,859 --> 00:21:22,446
And this kid-- And he was like,
"Chris, no. No, it's not that.
460
00:21:22,447 --> 00:21:26,909
"It's that she identifies as a they.
461
00:21:26,910 --> 00:21:30,121
So, how do I approach that situation?"
462
00:21:30,122 --> 00:21:33,458
I said,
"Listen, I'm not your real father."
463
00:21:38,088 --> 00:21:39,381
Yo no se!
464
00:21:40,507 --> 00:21:42,300
I don't know, buddy.
465
00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:44,885
I don't know what to tell you, man.
Suck her dick?
466
00:21:44,886 --> 00:21:46,512
I don't know.
467
00:21:46,513 --> 00:21:48,097
Maybe that?
468
00:21:48,098 --> 00:21:50,434
Would that be right, Coach?
Tell me-- Okay.
469
00:21:52,519 --> 00:21:54,603
Coach, you want some water?
You need to hydrate?
470
00:21:54,604 --> 00:21:57,148
You good? I like you, man.
471
00:21:57,149 --> 00:21:59,233
Any Indian people here?
472
00:21:59,234 --> 00:22:02,069
Any Indian? Nobody?
473
00:22:02,070 --> 00:22:03,821
Now, way to go, Chris!
474
00:22:03,822 --> 00:22:06,825
What a nice diverse crowd I have.
475
00:22:07,951 --> 00:22:10,536
Love Indian people, dude.
I wish there were more Indian people here.
476
00:22:10,537 --> 00:22:13,164
I love-- Let me tell you something,
Indian people?
477
00:22:13,165 --> 00:22:17,251
Number one, I think
the number-one race I love.
478
00:22:17,252 --> 00:22:20,338
Ancient, spiritual, love Indian people.
479
00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:22,381
Dude, anytime I see
an Indian man sleeping,
480
00:22:22,382 --> 00:22:23,758
I just assume he's meditating.
481
00:22:23,759 --> 00:22:25,593
Always.
482
00:22:25,594 --> 00:22:27,636
I swear to Christ.
I sw-- It's true.
483
00:22:27,637 --> 00:22:30,639
Last week I was flying
New York to LA, six-hour flight.
484
00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:33,142
There was an Indian man
sitting next to me.
485
00:22:33,143 --> 00:22:37,021
From takeoff to touchdown,
every second, this man was asleep.
486
00:22:37,022 --> 00:22:38,272
Every second.
487
00:22:38,273 --> 00:22:41,609
When he woke up,
I said, "Sir, teach me.
488
00:22:41,610 --> 00:22:46,198
Teach me how to get
to this level of nirvana."
489
00:22:47,741 --> 00:22:49,659
He was like, "I'm an alcoholic."
490
00:22:52,079 --> 00:22:53,537
Woo!
491
00:22:53,538 --> 00:22:55,498
There-There's another one.
492
00:22:55,499 --> 00:22:57,208
That's it.
493
00:22:57,209 --> 00:23:00,378
That, that is a--
That lady has HPV.
494
00:23:00,379 --> 00:23:02,671
100%. Woo!
495
00:23:02,672 --> 00:23:04,840
We all do, right?
What's a speed bump, Coach?
496
00:23:04,841 --> 00:23:06,134
Have a fuckin' wart.
497
00:23:08,053 --> 00:23:10,137
Good for you, lady.
I love this lady.
498
00:23:10,138 --> 00:23:13,141
Oh yeah, this lady's
definitely gonna get arrested.
499
00:23:15,852 --> 00:23:17,645
Any Chinese people?
500
00:23:17,646 --> 00:23:20,439
- Yeah!
- Way to go, again!
501
00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:22,274
- You're Chinese?
- And Cuban!
502
00:23:22,275 --> 00:23:24,986
Chinese and Cuban.
Holy Communist.
503
00:23:27,614 --> 00:23:31,534
Way to go.
Chinese and Cuban!
504
00:23:31,535 --> 00:23:34,870
Oh, my God.
Could you be any more of the enemy?
505
00:23:34,871 --> 00:23:36,832
Holy smokes!
506
00:23:39,167 --> 00:23:40,709
Love it. Love it.
507
00:23:40,710 --> 00:23:42,086
Let me tell you something, dude.
508
00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:44,880
Here's a, here's a big part
of parenting, okay?
509
00:23:44,881 --> 00:23:46,215
Playdates.
510
00:23:46,216 --> 00:23:49,260
You gotta have playdates
with the other kids' parents,
511
00:23:49,261 --> 00:23:52,972
and some of these kids
and their parents, oh, my God. So--
512
00:23:52,973 --> 00:23:54,723
Everybody has an allergy.
513
00:23:54,724 --> 00:23:58,477
You know, every fucking uppity white dad,
it's the same conversation. Have to--
514
00:23:58,478 --> 00:24:02,106
He's talking to me about
his startup and crypto, you know?
515
00:24:02,107 --> 00:24:04,692
The mom's like,
"Are you gonna put this in your skit?"
516
00:24:04,693 --> 00:24:06,861
I'm like, "I hope
you get hit by a bus, lady!"
517
00:24:06,862 --> 00:24:09,405
"That's the skit,
518
00:24:09,406 --> 00:24:11,867
your head rolling down
the street going, 'Gluten!'"
519
00:24:16,788 --> 00:24:20,207
But, dude, but the Chinese,
your mother's people,
520
00:24:20,208 --> 00:24:23,043
the Chinese love it.
521
00:24:23,044 --> 00:24:27,339
Dude, my daughter has got--
There's one kid in her class
522
00:24:27,340 --> 00:24:29,258
who's Chinese, his name's David.
523
00:24:29,259 --> 00:24:30,843
Okay, I don't know what his, you know,
524
00:24:30,844 --> 00:24:32,636
I don't know what
his government Chinese name is,
525
00:24:32,637 --> 00:24:36,348
but he's going undercover here
as David, and I respect that.
526
00:24:36,349 --> 00:24:38,435
I respect his chi.
I love--
527
00:24:40,312 --> 00:24:41,729
David. Love this kid.
528
00:24:41,730 --> 00:24:43,898
You know, she's got other
friends in her class.
529
00:24:43,899 --> 00:24:46,400
No, I don't wanna see those kids.
David. It-- 'Cause guess what?
530
00:24:46,401 --> 00:24:49,361
When you have a playdate with David,
guess who I've never met once?
531
00:24:49,362 --> 00:24:51,322
David's parents, okay?
532
00:24:51,323 --> 00:24:54,283
'Cause guess where
David's parents are? Working.
533
00:24:54,284 --> 00:24:58,913
They're at work, they're in the factory
building shit, making stuff.
534
00:24:58,914 --> 00:25:00,998
Wit it, okay?
You don't meet them.
535
00:25:00,999 --> 00:25:03,459
They're not working from home.
No.
536
00:25:03,460 --> 00:25:04,919
They're out there.
537
00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:07,796
I've only ever met
David's grandmother, okay?
538
00:25:07,797 --> 00:25:10,633
David's grandmother, 192 years old.
539
00:25:10,634 --> 00:25:14,094
This woman, oh!
540
00:25:14,095 --> 00:25:17,681
Every time we have a playdate,
she's doing Tai Chi, Sudoku.
541
00:25:17,682 --> 00:25:19,935
It's like a brain-body workout.
542
00:25:20,936 --> 00:25:22,269
Never asked about allergies.
543
00:25:22,270 --> 00:25:26,106
The other day, she gave my kid
a live shrimp in a bag.
544
00:25:26,107 --> 00:25:30,152
I said, "Is this a pet or food?
545
00:25:30,153 --> 00:25:32,321
"I don't know, but thank you.
546
00:25:32,322 --> 00:25:34,574
We honor-- Love it."
547
00:25:36,743 --> 00:25:38,369
'Cause here's the thing,
here's the thing.
548
00:25:38,370 --> 00:25:41,080
The planet, the planet is dying, right?
549
00:25:41,081 --> 00:25:42,915
We can all agree,
this planet's dying.
550
00:25:42,916 --> 00:25:46,544
We're gonna need to find
sustainable life on a new planet.
551
00:25:46,545 --> 00:25:49,964
Okay, and I think the spaceship
that takes the people from this planet
552
00:25:49,965 --> 00:25:51,757
to the new sustainable life planet
553
00:25:51,758 --> 00:25:54,468
is gonna have a Chinese flag
right on the side of it.
554
00:25:54,469 --> 00:25:56,929
I think it's-- And I'm just hoping
that my daughter
555
00:25:56,930 --> 00:26:01,433
and her Chinese husband, "David,"
get a plus-one and bring Pops.
556
00:26:01,434 --> 00:26:03,352
Survive and advance.
557
00:26:03,353 --> 00:26:05,854
Today, I am Latino.
Tomorrow, I am Chinese.
558
00:26:05,855 --> 00:26:08,357
That's...
559
00:26:08,358 --> 00:26:10,610
I'm comin' for you.
That's how you have to roll.
560
00:26:13,363 --> 00:26:15,155
Twenty years ago, it was just fun.
561
00:26:15,156 --> 00:26:19,326
I saw-- I grew up with a father
who was about actions.
562
00:26:19,327 --> 00:26:21,120
He was about--
He was the old school.
563
00:26:21,121 --> 00:26:22,913
He was actions spoke louder than words,
564
00:26:22,914 --> 00:26:25,416
which I just think
is an easier world to navigate.
565
00:26:25,417 --> 00:26:28,335
And all I saw was my father
lead with the actions,
566
00:26:28,336 --> 00:26:29,878
and who cares about the words?
567
00:26:29,879 --> 00:26:32,631
And I-- Every race, culture, creed
that met my dad loved him.
568
00:26:32,632 --> 00:26:34,800
Everybody loves my dad
'cause he's pure.
569
00:26:34,801 --> 00:26:37,052
He's got a pure, cholesterol-filled heart.
570
00:26:37,053 --> 00:26:41,056
It's-- He's as pure as you can be.
A slab of bacon.
571
00:26:41,057 --> 00:26:45,519
And, y-you know, he would-- He--
His actions, loved everybody.
572
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:48,647
Like, I had two friends who were gay
growing up, right, in high school.
573
00:26:48,648 --> 00:26:51,317
They were gay, and, you know,
my dad would invite them over
574
00:26:51,318 --> 00:26:52,943
when maybe other people's
families wouldn't
575
00:26:52,944 --> 00:26:54,486
'cause it was oth--
another time back then.
576
00:26:54,487 --> 00:26:57,448
My dad, "Have them in."
Love him. The action, beautiful.
577
00:26:57,449 --> 00:26:59,366
But, you know, my dad's got his jokes.
578
00:26:59,367 --> 00:27:03,288
He's gonna say his words,
but what-what can you do, right?
579
00:27:04,247 --> 00:27:06,332
My dad-- You know,
my friends would come over.
580
00:27:06,333 --> 00:27:07,750
I remember as soon as they walked in,
581
00:27:07,751 --> 00:27:09,585
he was standing there
holding two eggplants.
582
00:27:09,586 --> 00:27:12,589
He was like, "Come on, guys,
you wanna sit on these?
583
00:27:13,923 --> 00:27:17,010
Come on, sit down!
It's a joke!"
584
00:27:18,011 --> 00:27:20,095
Then whatever,
they sit down, spin around.
585
00:27:20,096 --> 00:27:23,307
You get a laugh.
You get a laugh.
586
00:27:23,308 --> 00:27:26,268
They didn't care, they loved--
They still love my dad.
587
00:27:26,269 --> 00:27:29,063
And, you know, it's a beautiful thing.
588
00:27:29,064 --> 00:27:30,522
'Cause I tell my kids all the time,
589
00:27:30,523 --> 00:27:33,025
the main thing I say,
"Control your output.
590
00:27:33,026 --> 00:27:35,361
"I don't know about the outcome,
but if you can control your output,
591
00:27:35,362 --> 00:27:38,572
"forget about the outcome 'cause it's
a very judgmental society at times.
592
00:27:38,573 --> 00:27:40,324
"I don't know how people
are gonna receive you,
593
00:27:40,325 --> 00:27:42,868
but if you're controlling your part,
that's all I'm looking for."
594
00:27:42,869 --> 00:27:46,038
And that's what I look for in people.
Are you controlling your part?
595
00:27:46,039 --> 00:27:49,750
And I look-- My dad is.
My dad really is trying, okay?
596
00:27:49,751 --> 00:27:52,252
But he's got a third-grade education.
597
00:27:52,253 --> 00:27:57,299
So, listen, it's not all home runs,
but the guy tries,
598
00:27:57,300 --> 00:27:59,343
and that's what I'm looking for.
599
00:27:59,344 --> 00:28:01,804
Like, I swear,
he calls me up one day,
600
00:28:01,805 --> 00:28:04,765
he was like, [gruff voice] "Chrissy,"
he was like, "Listen to me.
601
00:28:04,766 --> 00:28:07,768
You know your daughter's
Puerto Rican, right?"
602
00:28:07,769 --> 00:28:10,313
I was like, "Um, yeah.
603
00:28:11,398 --> 00:28:14,693
I mean, she's eight years old,
she has a tattoo on her tit, so."
604
00:28:17,570 --> 00:28:21,115
Joke. I'm joking. I'm joking.
Look, the Latinos, having fun.
605
00:28:21,116 --> 00:28:22,866
It's always the white people.
606
00:28:22,867 --> 00:28:25,202
"That is not okay!"
607
00:28:25,203 --> 00:28:27,955
I'm joking. I'm joking.
608
00:28:27,956 --> 00:28:30,582
My daughter was born
with a birthmark right here.
609
00:28:30,583 --> 00:28:32,210
It says, "Boricua."
610
00:28:36,172 --> 00:28:37,424
It's a condition.
611
00:28:40,301 --> 00:28:41,885
No.
612
00:28:41,886 --> 00:28:45,597
I said, "Yeah-Yeah, yes,
I know she's Puerto Rican.
613
00:28:45,598 --> 00:28:48,559
I mean, do you know?
It's your granddaughter."
614
00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:50,811
He was like,
"Yeah, well, listen.
615
00:28:50,812 --> 00:28:53,105
"Alright, I've been doing the research,
616
00:28:53,106 --> 00:28:57,276
"and they don't throw sweet 16s
in the Latina culture.
617
00:28:57,277 --> 00:29:01,196
"Alright, you look like a real idiot
if you try to throw her a sweet 16
618
00:29:01,197 --> 00:29:03,198
'cause that's not what her
and her people do."
619
00:29:03,199 --> 00:29:06,994
I was like,
"Okay, first of all, she's eight.
620
00:29:06,995 --> 00:29:10,456
"So, I'm not remotely, at all,
not for one second,
621
00:29:10,457 --> 00:29:12,541
"thinking about her sweet 16.
622
00:29:12,542 --> 00:29:15,127
"Second of all,
she's born and raised in America.
623
00:29:15,128 --> 00:29:17,921
They absolutely have sweet 16s."
624
00:29:17,922 --> 00:29:20,549
He was like, [gruff] "No, no, no!
See, that's where you're wrong.
625
00:29:20,550 --> 00:29:24,136
"You're living in your white bubble
with your white privilege,
626
00:29:24,137 --> 00:29:26,638
"and I won't stand for that no more.
627
00:29:26,639 --> 00:29:29,683
"I've been talking to my friends
down at the bodega
628
00:29:29,684 --> 00:29:34,438
"and they're telling me
they don't throw the parties
629
00:29:34,439 --> 00:29:37,399
"for the girls at 16
in the Latina culture.
630
00:29:37,400 --> 00:29:39,860
"They throw the parties
for the girls at 15.
631
00:29:39,861 --> 00:29:41,780
"They call 'em quesadillas.
632
00:29:44,491 --> 00:29:45,742
"So...
633
00:29:47,535 --> 00:29:51,163
"So, you gotta throw her
a quesadilla,
634
00:29:51,164 --> 00:29:54,334
and I'm payin' for it, cash."
I was like...
635
00:29:56,419 --> 00:29:58,003
I was like, "Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hold on.
636
00:29:58,004 --> 00:30:00,088
Do you mean quinceañera?"
637
00:30:00,089 --> 00:30:03,968
He was like, [gruff] "That's what I said.
A 'quinceandilla.'"
638
00:30:05,178 --> 00:30:09,515
I was like, "No, now you're mixing
'quesadilla' and 'quinceañera.'"
639
00:30:09,516 --> 00:30:11,683
He's like,
"Oh, I'm sorry.
640
00:30:11,684 --> 00:30:14,437
"I didn't know you spoke Spanish
with your boyfriend.
641
00:30:17,232 --> 00:30:21,528
Bring out the eggplant.
You and Julio can have a seat."
642
00:30:24,405 --> 00:30:26,532
Here's the thing about my father,
here's how I describe him.
643
00:30:26,533 --> 00:30:29,576
He always would have the right intentions,
but the wrong moves.
644
00:30:29,577 --> 00:30:31,662
I will-- I'll admit, wrong moves,
645
00:30:31,663 --> 00:30:34,122
but the intentions were pure.
Again, the actions.
646
00:30:34,123 --> 00:30:36,083
That's what I cared about,
and that's all I saw.
647
00:30:36,084 --> 00:30:40,003
All I saw was people loving my father
'cause he would make jokes.
648
00:30:40,004 --> 00:30:42,840
If a situation, a situation was tense,
my dad's making a joke.
649
00:30:42,841 --> 00:30:45,008
Beautiful.
Like when I graduated college, right?
650
00:30:45,009 --> 00:30:46,844
It was a very inclusive ceremony.
651
00:30:46,845 --> 00:30:50,556
They wanted to make sure
every major religion was accepted
652
00:30:50,557 --> 00:30:54,184
and, y-you know, w-was-was out there,
so-- w-was represented.
653
00:30:54,185 --> 00:30:59,064
So, they-they-- the-the college ceremony
started off with a Catholic priest.
654
00:30:59,065 --> 00:31:03,026
He came out, gave a nice little speech,
jerked off an altar boy. Um...
655
00:31:03,027 --> 00:31:05,989
You know, I was the altar boy, and...
656
00:31:08,408 --> 00:31:11,702
They had a Jewish rabbi come out.
657
00:31:11,703 --> 00:31:15,080
He gave a nice little speech too,
went back in the tunnel.
658
00:31:15,081 --> 00:31:17,332
Um...
659
00:31:17,333 --> 00:31:21,879
It was-- Dude, he built a tunnel from--
It was, like, it was poppin' up.
660
00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:24,423
Like, dude, El Chapo should hire
the Jews for the tunnels.
661
00:31:24,424 --> 00:31:28,135
I mean, that's why
they're not getting the rabbis.
662
00:31:28,136 --> 00:31:30,429
And-- So...
663
00:31:30,430 --> 00:31:32,347
Shalom, shalom.
Any Jewish? Shalom.
664
00:31:32,348 --> 00:31:37,227
And then, you know, then they ended
it all with a Muslim Imam.
665
00:31:37,228 --> 00:31:38,770
Okay, this guy was great.
666
00:31:38,771 --> 00:31:40,772
The Imam was great,
but it was all in Arabic.
667
00:31:40,773 --> 00:31:42,524
Okay, I didn't know
what he was saying.
668
00:31:42,525 --> 00:31:44,943
But I had a lot of Muslim friends.
My habibis.
669
00:31:44,944 --> 00:31:46,445
Okay, my-- Yes. My--
670
00:31:46,446 --> 00:31:48,989
Dude, my-- I swear, one of my friends,
all four years of college,
671
00:31:48,990 --> 00:31:50,824
we used to call him Justin Habieber.
672
00:31:50,825 --> 00:31:52,409
This kid...
673
00:31:52,410 --> 00:31:54,871
...dude, the Habiebs, amazing.
674
00:31:56,122 --> 00:31:57,456
He was telling me what he was saying.
675
00:31:57,457 --> 00:31:59,374
It was all beautiful, the Imam,
but it was in Arabic.
676
00:31:59,375 --> 00:32:01,418
You know?
677
00:32:01,419 --> 00:32:03,629
...Macaulay Culkin.
678
00:32:03,630 --> 00:32:07,592
Home Alone, Macaulay...
679
00:32:10,637 --> 00:32:14,181
And it was getting tense, right?
'Cause, you know?
680
00:32:14,182 --> 00:32:16,975
You could feel the tension,
all those, like, uppity white people
681
00:32:16,976 --> 00:32:18,977
that make believe they're so diverse?
682
00:32:18,978 --> 00:32:21,522
As soon as they heard Arabic,
they were like, "Call the FBI!"
683
00:32:23,441 --> 00:32:27,653
And, you know,
my father, he hates tension.
684
00:32:27,654 --> 00:32:29,988
And my dad's at every event in my life,
but he's in the last row.
685
00:32:29,989 --> 00:32:32,240
My parents are divorced,
so he's in the last row.
686
00:32:32,241 --> 00:32:34,534
My dad always by himself,
just hangin'.
687
00:32:34,535 --> 00:32:37,537
And, you know, "Allah!"
688
00:32:37,538 --> 00:32:39,790
You could hear it going higher
and higher and higher,
689
00:32:39,791 --> 00:32:41,959
and the tension is at a fever pitch.
690
00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:44,920
And at the last, "Allah,"
my dad yelled out
691
00:32:44,921 --> 00:32:47,256
from the last row, "Hakuna Matata!"
692
00:32:49,384 --> 00:32:53,388
A line from The Lion King.
693
00:32:54,389 --> 00:32:56,390
First of all,
every single person in that room
694
00:32:56,391 --> 00:32:58,767
turned around to see
who said that, except me.
695
00:32:58,768 --> 00:33:03,689
I knew exactly who said that.
696
00:33:03,690 --> 00:33:06,775
I knew it was my father
hysterical-laughing,
697
00:33:06,776 --> 00:33:08,111
high-fiving nobody...
698
00:33:09,696 --> 00:33:11,406
...as my mother called the police.
699
00:33:13,950 --> 00:33:16,827
Then, he waited for the tension
to die down again,
700
00:33:16,828 --> 00:33:18,746
and he yelled,
"It means no worries!"
701
00:33:20,623 --> 00:33:22,916
And everybody loved it.
702
00:33:22,917 --> 00:33:25,293
All-- My Muslim friends were
dying laughing, they loved it.
703
00:33:25,294 --> 00:33:29,089
Justin Habieber came up to me and said,
"Bro, your dad is the man.
704
00:33:29,090 --> 00:33:31,383
"Thank you so much for this.
705
00:33:31,384 --> 00:33:34,011
"We really apprec--
We do have to behead him, obviously,
706
00:33:34,012 --> 00:33:36,013
"but, you know.
707
00:33:36,014 --> 00:33:38,056
It's not us.
It's the Quran."
708
00:33:38,057 --> 00:33:40,351
I was like, "Bro, I'm Chrissy Quran.
You don't think I know?"
709
00:33:42,145 --> 00:33:44,272
- Woo!
- There she is again.
710
00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:47,691
There she is.
711
00:33:47,692 --> 00:33:49,277
Do you even know where you are?
712
00:33:50,695 --> 00:33:52,612
I love you, lady.
What's your name?
713
00:33:52,613 --> 00:33:54,406
Something like Stephanie or...
714
00:33:54,407 --> 00:33:56,325
- Brittany.
- Brittany?!
715
00:34:07,920 --> 00:34:10,839
Let me tell you something, Brittany,
you need a conservatorship.
716
00:34:10,840 --> 00:34:12,674
You...
717
00:34:12,675 --> 00:34:16,470
Brittany, the only name
worse than Stephanie
718
00:34:16,471 --> 00:34:18,388
was your name.
719
00:34:18,389 --> 00:34:20,140
Brittany!
720
00:34:20,141 --> 00:34:22,935
Oh, my God, Brittany.
721
00:34:23,644 --> 00:34:26,188
You're the husband?
722
00:34:26,189 --> 00:34:27,898
Oh, that sucks!
723
00:34:27,899 --> 00:34:30,817
Boyfriend?
724
00:34:30,818 --> 00:34:33,695
She's like, "I'm cheating
on my husband with him!
725
00:34:33,696 --> 00:34:35,530
His name's Kevin.
He's a firefighter!"
726
00:34:35,531 --> 00:34:37,365
Right, is your name Kevin?
What's your name?
727
00:34:37,366 --> 00:34:38,658
Mitch!
728
00:34:38,659 --> 00:34:39,868
- Mitch?
- Yeah.
729
00:34:39,869 --> 00:34:41,621
Oh, alright.
That's stupid.
730
00:34:46,125 --> 00:34:47,334
How 'bout this?
731
00:34:47,335 --> 00:34:49,336
You wanna hear
about the time my father
732
00:34:49,337 --> 00:34:50,921
made me make-believe
I had special needs
733
00:34:50,922 --> 00:34:52,380
to get better tickets
to the Yankee game?
734
00:34:52,381 --> 00:34:55,008
I'll tell you that. I'll tell you that.
This is a coach story for you.
735
00:34:55,009 --> 00:34:57,594
So...
736
00:34:57,595 --> 00:35:00,055
So, here's the thing.
Here's the truth, right?
737
00:35:00,056 --> 00:35:01,890
Like I said, my father--
What do I say?
738
00:35:01,891 --> 00:35:03,725
Right intentions, wrong moves.
739
00:35:03,726 --> 00:35:06,311
So, again, the-- if the intention
is there, I'm with it.
740
00:35:06,312 --> 00:35:09,397
I had a great childhood, okay?
I real-- 'Cause I was a bad kid.
741
00:35:09,398 --> 00:35:12,484
Make no mistake.
I was a bad kid, alright?
742
00:35:12,485 --> 00:35:15,445
I had ADHD,
but, you know, real ADHD.
743
00:35:15,446 --> 00:35:17,614
Not like now
where everyone's just diagnosed.
744
00:35:17,615 --> 00:35:20,283
I had for-real--
I was on Ritalin.
745
00:35:20,284 --> 00:35:24,121
Okay, not the shit you microdose
outside-- Not your Ritalin.
746
00:35:24,122 --> 00:35:26,665
I was on real government-issued--
747
00:35:26,666 --> 00:35:28,917
She's like, "I mix it
with a little white Zinfandel."
748
00:35:28,918 --> 00:35:30,043
I--
749
00:35:30,044 --> 00:35:32,879
- I was on real Ritty.
- Wow!
750
00:35:32,880 --> 00:35:37,592
And I had to be controlled.
I was an uncontrollable child.
751
00:35:37,593 --> 00:35:39,177
And my mother's a smart lady, right?
752
00:35:39,178 --> 00:35:40,971
She knew the two things
that I loved the most
753
00:35:40,972 --> 00:35:43,140
were sporting events
and hanging out with my dad.
754
00:35:43,141 --> 00:35:45,183
And she came up
with a little system, right?
755
00:35:45,184 --> 00:35:47,519
'Cause I was bad.
I used to push air conditioners
756
00:35:47,520 --> 00:35:49,396
out the window, you know?
757
00:35:49,397 --> 00:35:52,274
Bite the dog.
I'd pee in her houseplants.
758
00:35:52,275 --> 00:35:56,361
Like, I was just a savage
little child, like, just an idiot.
759
00:35:56,362 --> 00:35:57,946
And my mother came up
with this system.
760
00:35:57,947 --> 00:36:01,032
If I got enough check marks
throughout the month,
761
00:36:01,033 --> 00:36:03,535
she would allow me to go
to a game with my dad.
762
00:36:03,536 --> 00:36:05,036
I didn't have to get 100%.
763
00:36:05,037 --> 00:36:08,832
You know, I could push one air conditioner
out a window, you know?
764
00:36:08,833 --> 00:36:12,419
I could bite a stray cat, something.
765
00:36:12,420 --> 00:36:16,256
But as long as I got--
And she would, she'd let me go.
766
00:36:16,257 --> 00:36:18,383
And so, one day, good enough,
767
00:36:18,384 --> 00:36:20,010
she was allowing me
to go to a baseball game.
768
00:36:20,011 --> 00:36:22,179
She said, "Honey, listen,
you can go to the game,
769
00:36:22,180 --> 00:36:24,055
"but you have to leave
in the third inning.
770
00:36:24,056 --> 00:36:26,975
"Okay, I need you
in this house by 9 p.m.,
771
00:36:26,976 --> 00:36:29,019
"no questions asked.
It is a school night.
772
00:36:29,020 --> 00:36:30,854
"I need you
in this house by 9 p.m.
773
00:36:30,855 --> 00:36:33,523
You leave in the third inning."
I said, "Mom, 100%.
774
00:36:33,524 --> 00:36:36,359
"Just, you gotta tell Dad
'cause I'm not listening.
775
00:36:36,360 --> 00:36:39,029
"I real-- I got too much
going on in my brain.
776
00:36:39,030 --> 00:36:40,780
"I-I mean, I'm waiting for you
to go to the next room
777
00:36:40,781 --> 00:36:42,574
"so I can take a dump in the laundry.
778
00:36:42,575 --> 00:36:45,118
"So, just know that that's all...
779
00:36:45,119 --> 00:36:47,121
You got a fresh load there,
and I'm a bad kid."
780
00:36:49,040 --> 00:36:51,041
So, with that, my dad rings the bell.
781
00:36:51,042 --> 00:36:53,293
I come down the stairs backwards
like I'm in The Exorcist.
782
00:36:53,294 --> 00:36:54,795
I am ready to go.
783
00:36:57,757 --> 00:36:59,674
Right away, my mother
opens the door, and she is right there.
784
00:36:59,675 --> 00:37:01,343
She's like,
"Tony, listen to me.
785
00:37:01,344 --> 00:37:04,971
"You can go to the game with him,
but you have to leave in the third inning.
786
00:37:04,972 --> 00:37:08,350
"I need him back in this house by 9 p.m.
It is a school night.
787
00:37:08,351 --> 00:37:11,394
"It is very important
he is back in this house, okay?
788
00:37:11,395 --> 00:37:15,982
"And another thing, do not give him
any soda, please, or any sugar.
789
00:37:15,983 --> 00:37:18,443
"Every time you give him soda,
I cannot control him.
790
00:37:18,444 --> 00:37:20,070
"It is hard enough to deal with him as is.
791
00:37:20,071 --> 00:37:22,030
When you give him soda,
he's off the walls."
792
00:37:22,031 --> 00:37:24,533
He's like,
"100%, no soda.
793
00:37:25,826 --> 00:37:26,826
No soda."
794
00:37:26,827 --> 00:37:29,288
And then he winked at me in front of her.
795
00:37:30,539 --> 00:37:31,791
He was like...
796
00:37:34,043 --> 00:37:36,170
I'm pretty sure she can see you.
797
00:37:37,964 --> 00:37:39,881
And he goes,
"I got it. No soda."
798
00:37:39,882 --> 00:37:41,174
She's like,
"9 o'clock!"
799
00:37:41,175 --> 00:37:42,968
He's like,
"I got it."
800
00:37:42,969 --> 00:37:45,762
So, we leave, right?
Go up the block.
801
00:37:45,763 --> 00:37:47,722
We turn the corner,
my mother can't see us anymore.
802
00:37:47,723 --> 00:37:49,891
My dad had a duffel bag.
803
00:37:49,892 --> 00:37:51,101
He drops it on the floor.
804
00:37:51,102 --> 00:37:52,478
He goes,
"Unzip that."
805
00:37:54,021 --> 00:37:57,232
I unzip it.
Five Mountain Dews.
806
00:37:57,233 --> 00:37:59,150
Yep.
807
00:37:59,151 --> 00:38:02,362
The crystal meth
crack-cocaine of sodas.
808
00:38:02,363 --> 00:38:05,449
My dad's got five tall boys right there.
809
00:38:07,493 --> 00:38:09,203
He goes,
"Happy birthday."
810
00:38:09,870 --> 00:38:12,289
I was like, "My birthday's
not for another five months."
811
00:38:12,290 --> 00:38:13,581
He was like,
"Yeah, I know,"
812
00:38:13,582 --> 00:38:14,791
but I knew he didn't know.
813
00:38:14,792 --> 00:38:18,878
So, I'm just guzzling these things.
814
00:38:18,879 --> 00:38:22,048
I had five Mountain Dews,
tall boys, to the head.
815
00:38:22,049 --> 00:38:23,967
By the time
we walked into that stadium,
816
00:38:23,968 --> 00:38:27,178
I was wrecked, okay?
817
00:38:27,179 --> 00:38:30,098
No shirt on.
I had taken my shirt off on the train.
818
00:38:30,099 --> 00:38:32,851
I was dripping sweat.
My eyes were bugged out.
819
00:38:32,852 --> 00:38:35,062
I felt like Hunter Biden, just...
820
00:38:36,230 --> 00:38:38,149
I felt like HB, baby.
821
00:38:39,942 --> 00:38:42,069
Hey, I was nuts.
Cracked out.
822
00:38:43,612 --> 00:38:44,613
So...
823
00:38:46,157 --> 00:38:48,575
So, we get to our seats.
They're in the upper, upper deck, right?
824
00:38:48,576 --> 00:38:51,161
I mean, I don't care, I just wanna be
in the building with my father.
825
00:38:51,162 --> 00:38:53,038
And my dad's characters are up there.
His boys, right?
826
00:38:53,039 --> 00:38:55,457
He's got Bobby Pets, is up there.
827
00:38:55,458 --> 00:38:57,751
He was like an old-old-school
Brooklyn guy,
828
00:38:57,752 --> 00:39:00,253
he used to smuggle animals
into the neighborhood.
829
00:39:00,254 --> 00:39:03,340
He had, like, a penguin,
he had a koala bear.
830
00:39:03,341 --> 00:39:06,217
He-- I swear, he would just
get them off the backs of trucks.
831
00:39:06,218 --> 00:39:08,428
This game, he smuggled in a live ferret.
832
00:39:08,429 --> 00:39:11,014
He had a live ferret
in the game.
833
00:39:11,015 --> 00:39:14,225
And he had trained it
to bite opposing teams' fans,
834
00:39:14,226 --> 00:39:15,643
to bite an ankle,
and he'd be like,
835
00:39:15,644 --> 00:39:18,271
"Ah, New York City rats,
what can ya do?
836
00:39:18,272 --> 00:39:20,358
Maybe go back
to where you came from!"
837
00:39:21,984 --> 00:39:25,403
So, Charlene,
he had his friend Charlene there.
838
00:39:25,404 --> 00:39:27,781
This lady was just,
you know, 65 years old,
839
00:39:27,782 --> 00:39:31,159
never wore a bra,
just saggiest boobs you ever--
840
00:39:31,160 --> 00:39:33,203
It's like the first boob I ever saw.
841
00:39:33,204 --> 00:39:35,080
Like, to the point where,
like, her boobs were so low,
842
00:39:35,081 --> 00:39:38,083
like, I just thought girls' nipples
were on their kneecaps.
843
00:39:38,084 --> 00:39:40,001
I had never seen anything else--
844
00:39:40,002 --> 00:39:42,837
When I, when I got older, a girl was--
We were making out,
845
00:39:42,838 --> 00:39:45,800
she's like, "You wanna suck my tits?"
I was like, "Take off your pants.
846
00:39:47,510 --> 00:39:49,386
Let me see those 'kneeples.'"
847
00:39:49,387 --> 00:39:51,721
And--
848
00:39:51,722 --> 00:39:54,140
And... she would just chain-smoke.
849
00:39:54,141 --> 00:39:57,936
"Christopher, you can
touch my breasts. I can't feel it."
850
00:39:57,937 --> 00:40:00,021
And--
851
00:40:00,022 --> 00:40:01,481
She's Brittany in 30 years.
852
00:40:01,482 --> 00:40:02,816
And--
853
00:40:02,817 --> 00:40:04,943
That's, that's what it is.
854
00:40:04,944 --> 00:40:06,277
"Yes."
855
00:40:06,278 --> 00:40:07,362
So...
856
00:40:07,363 --> 00:40:09,864
So, we're having fun, right?
857
00:40:09,865 --> 00:40:13,743
And I'm sitting there, enjoying myself,
drinking Mountain Dews, eating hot dogs
858
00:40:13,744 --> 00:40:15,412
because my mother would
never let me have that.
859
00:40:15,413 --> 00:40:16,955
Nitrates?
No way.
860
00:40:16,956 --> 00:40:18,206
But my dad, there are no rules.
861
00:40:18,207 --> 00:40:20,458
I was just throwing 'em back
like a pelican.
862
00:40:20,459 --> 00:40:22,961
No, no gag reflex.
Ahh!
863
00:40:22,962 --> 00:40:26,673
You know, just...
eating it, loving it, right?
864
00:40:26,674 --> 00:40:28,425
Having the time of my life.
865
00:40:28,426 --> 00:40:30,301
But then, the third inning comes, okay?
866
00:40:30,302 --> 00:40:32,011
And listen, I'm a mama's boy.
867
00:40:32,012 --> 00:40:34,889
I listen to her.
So, I knew it was time, right?
868
00:40:34,890 --> 00:40:37,892
So, I get up, put my shirt back on,
869
00:40:37,893 --> 00:40:40,395
taking the hot dogs
outta my mouth,
870
00:40:40,396 --> 00:40:43,190
slowly taking my hand
off Charlene's boob.
871
00:40:44,775 --> 00:40:47,819
And I get up, and my dad's like,
"What are you doing?"
872
00:40:47,820 --> 00:40:49,529
I was like,
"Oh, oh, it's the third inning.
873
00:40:49,530 --> 00:40:50,947
Mom says we gotta leave."
874
00:40:50,948 --> 00:40:53,491
He was like,
"She don't make the rules. I do."
875
00:40:53,492 --> 00:40:57,121
I was like,
"Um, the judge says she does.
876
00:40:58,706 --> 00:41:01,291
"I was there in court
when the judge said,
877
00:41:01,292 --> 00:41:04,795
'You're a convicted felon,
and she makes the rules.'"
878
00:41:07,965 --> 00:41:11,050
He was like, [gruff] "Sit down.
We ain't going nowhere."
879
00:41:11,051 --> 00:41:12,343
Because here's the thing.
If you know--
880
00:41:12,344 --> 00:41:15,013
I know you know baseball, Coach.
If you know baseball, you know.
881
00:41:15,014 --> 00:41:17,474
But if you don't know baseball,
a no-hitter
882
00:41:17,475 --> 00:41:19,851
is, like, the rarest thing
to happen in the game.
883
00:41:19,852 --> 00:41:21,728
It almost never happens.
884
00:41:21,729 --> 00:41:24,355
It's even more rare you would be
at an active no-hitter
885
00:41:24,356 --> 00:41:26,107
watching this thing live.
886
00:41:26,108 --> 00:41:29,444
Well, this was May 1996, 'kay?
Yankee Stadium.
887
00:41:29,445 --> 00:41:31,613
New York Yankees
versus the Seattle Mariners.
888
00:41:31,614 --> 00:41:34,991
It was Doc Gooden,
Dwight Gooden's historic no-hitter.
889
00:41:34,992 --> 00:41:37,994
If you don't know the game, go home,
Google it, you'll see me in the crowd.
890
00:41:37,995 --> 00:41:42,123
It was a night that was gonna
go down in history, okay?
891
00:41:42,124 --> 00:41:43,541
But history hadn't been made yet.
892
00:41:43,542 --> 00:41:46,419
It was the third inning
of a nine-inning baseball game,
893
00:41:46,420 --> 00:41:47,629
but my dad knew.
894
00:41:47,630 --> 00:41:49,589
My dad's like,
"Chrissy, I feel something.
895
00:41:49,590 --> 00:41:51,049
I feel something big's gonna happen."
896
00:41:51,050 --> 00:41:52,634
I was like,
"I feel something too.
897
00:41:52,635 --> 00:41:55,970
"I think it's my organs
shutting down from the soda. I--
898
00:41:55,971 --> 00:41:58,265
I think we, we over Dew-ed it."
899
00:42:00,601 --> 00:42:02,936
Because my mom
said 9 o'clock, okay?
900
00:42:02,937 --> 00:42:04,479
It was already, like, 8:30,
901
00:42:04,480 --> 00:42:07,273
so we had to leave right then and there
to get home on time.
902
00:42:07,274 --> 00:42:09,025
But my dad goes,
"Listen, as soon as the other team
903
00:42:09,026 --> 00:42:10,735
"gets a hit, Chrissy,
we're outta here.
904
00:42:10,736 --> 00:42:13,071
"We're outta here, I'll go home,
I'll explain everything.
905
00:42:13,072 --> 00:42:14,447
Don't worry about it.
Just have fun."
906
00:42:14,448 --> 00:42:16,950
I was like, "Okay, great."
So, y-you know, I don't care.
907
00:42:16,951 --> 00:42:18,243
Whatever, I'm 12 years old.
908
00:42:18,244 --> 00:42:19,661
Each inning is going by.
909
00:42:19,662 --> 00:42:23,498
No hits, no hits, sodas,
hot dogs, having fun.
910
00:42:23,499 --> 00:42:28,253
By the time the seventh inning comes,
it is pandemonium in that stadium.
911
00:42:28,254 --> 00:42:31,297
Every single person knows
we are this close to history.
912
00:42:31,298 --> 00:42:33,258
I was, I was motorboating Charlene.
913
00:42:33,259 --> 00:42:34,884
I--
914
00:42:34,885 --> 00:42:37,637
I was throwing her boobs
over my shoulder
915
00:42:37,638 --> 00:42:39,598
like a continental soldier.
916
00:42:41,976 --> 00:42:43,227
I couldn't believe it.
917
00:42:45,437 --> 00:42:47,939
Okay, it was also 10:30 at night.
918
00:42:47,940 --> 00:42:50,400
So, we're an hour and a half late.
919
00:42:50,401 --> 00:42:51,776
So, but who cares, right?
920
00:42:51,777 --> 00:42:54,445
It doesn't matter.
The wheels have fallen off.
921
00:42:54,446 --> 00:42:56,948
There's no cell phones.
It's 1996.
922
00:42:56,949 --> 00:43:00,118
So, my dad goes, [gruff] "We gotta get you
better seats, Chrissy, right?"
923
00:43:00,119 --> 00:43:02,662
He's like, "Why do-- You can't
watch the game up here with these idiots.
924
00:43:02,663 --> 00:43:04,038
Let's go get better seats."
925
00:43:04,039 --> 00:43:07,292
I was like, "Yeah. Let--
Yes, whatever you wanna do.
926
00:43:07,293 --> 00:43:09,460
You tell me what to do,
I'll follow you anywhere."
927
00:43:09,461 --> 00:43:11,713
He goes, "Just do what I tell you to do."
I was like, "Alright."
928
00:43:11,714 --> 00:43:14,340
So, I thought
he's gonna tell me what we're gonna do
929
00:43:14,341 --> 00:43:16,426
as we're walking down there,
but he didn't.
930
00:43:16,427 --> 00:43:17,969
Didn't say that at all.
931
00:43:17,970 --> 00:43:21,472
And maybe he did,
but I was, I was on too much Dew, so.
932
00:43:21,473 --> 00:43:22,932
I was Dew-ed out.
933
00:43:22,933 --> 00:43:25,311
I needed, like, Narcan
at that point, so.
934
00:43:28,230 --> 00:43:30,690
So, we get down
behind home plate, right?
935
00:43:30,691 --> 00:43:33,568
And my dad sees two empty seats
right behind home plate.
936
00:43:33,569 --> 00:43:36,112
These are big-money seats,
like $500 seats.
937
00:43:36,113 --> 00:43:39,657
So, there's a security guard there
guarding the seats, obviously.
938
00:43:39,658 --> 00:43:41,451
And so, my dad goes up
to the guard, he goes,
939
00:43:41,452 --> 00:43:43,703
"Hey,
can me and my son sit in those seats?
940
00:43:43,704 --> 00:43:45,330
I mean, Doc Gooden's
gonna pitch a no-hitter."
941
00:43:45,331 --> 00:43:46,748
He goes, "No, you need tickets."
942
00:43:46,749 --> 00:43:48,791
My dad's like, "Come on,
let-let us just sit in the seats."
943
00:43:48,792 --> 00:43:52,503
He goes, "Either show me the tickets,
or go back to your seats,
944
00:43:52,504 --> 00:43:54,213
"or get escorted out the stadium.
945
00:43:54,214 --> 00:43:56,424
You are not sitting in those seats."
946
00:43:56,425 --> 00:43:58,635
And my dad looks at me,
he goes, [gruff] "You ready?"
947
00:43:58,636 --> 00:44:00,303
I was like, "Okay.
948
00:44:00,304 --> 00:44:04,515
You did-- You forgot to tell me
what to do, but whatever."
949
00:44:04,516 --> 00:44:08,436
He says, "So, you're not gonna let us in?"
And the guy goes, "Absolutely not."
950
00:44:08,437 --> 00:44:11,272
He was like, "Ah, alright.
You know, it's just unfortunate
951
00:44:11,273 --> 00:44:14,026
because my son has special needs."
952
00:44:15,444 --> 00:44:18,529
And that was the first time
I was hearing that, you know? I--
953
00:44:18,530 --> 00:44:20,657
I'm a kid, I, I was like,
954
00:44:20,658 --> 00:44:23,368
"Uh, do I? What?
955
00:44:23,369 --> 00:44:25,787
I don't? I don't, right? This is a bit?"
956
00:44:25,788 --> 00:44:29,290
He goes, "My son has special needs."
957
00:44:29,291 --> 00:44:32,835
And then, the security guard,
who had just emphatically said no,
958
00:44:32,836 --> 00:44:35,171
for the first time,
looks at me and he goes,
959
00:44:35,172 --> 00:44:38,424
"Oh, k-- Yes, sir, I am so sorry.
960
00:44:38,425 --> 00:44:40,468
"You should have told me.
I apologize.
961
00:44:40,469 --> 00:44:43,680
You two can sit wherever you like.
Have fun, little buddy."
962
00:44:43,681 --> 00:44:47,016
So now, we're walking
down the stairs to these seats,
963
00:44:47,017 --> 00:44:49,228
and I'm thinking, "Am I retarded?"
964
00:44:54,733 --> 00:44:57,068
I was in shock.
I had my mouth open.
965
00:44:57,069 --> 00:44:59,028
My dad's like,
"The drool, that's good!
966
00:44:59,029 --> 00:45:00,864
Sell it with the drool, Chrissy!"
967
00:45:02,241 --> 00:45:03,450
Whoa!
968
00:45:04,743 --> 00:45:07,870
We're walking,
we finally sit in the seats.
969
00:45:07,871 --> 00:45:10,290
It's the eighth inning, it's 11 o'clock.
970
00:45:11,792 --> 00:45:13,918
There's all big celebrities there.
It's New York City.
971
00:45:13,919 --> 00:45:15,294
Out of the corner of my eye,
972
00:45:15,295 --> 00:45:18,673
I see WWF Hall of Fame wrestler
Mr. Perfect.
973
00:45:18,674 --> 00:45:21,427
I knew it was him.
I could see his scungilli blonde hair.
974
00:45:22,636 --> 00:45:25,180
His steroid back pimples.
I coulda popped one.
975
00:45:27,808 --> 00:45:29,226
Just...
976
00:45:29,685 --> 00:45:30,894
So close.
977
00:45:31,520 --> 00:45:32,895
And my dad doesn't know wrestling.
978
00:45:32,896 --> 00:45:35,064
I said, "Dad, Dad, that's Mr. Perfect."
979
00:45:35,065 --> 00:45:37,191
He was like, [gruff] "Who's that,
your mother's new boyfriend?"
980
00:45:37,192 --> 00:45:39,987
I was like, get over it.
981
00:45:41,613 --> 00:45:43,030
I was like, "Can I have his autograph?"
982
00:45:43,031 --> 00:45:44,407
He was like, [gruff] "No problem."
983
00:45:44,408 --> 00:45:46,743
He was like, "Hey, Perfect!
984
00:45:46,744 --> 00:45:50,455
My son's a big fan.
You think he can get an autograph?"
985
00:45:50,456 --> 00:45:53,166
Mr. Perfect goes,
"No, I'm watching the game."
986
00:45:53,167 --> 00:45:55,585
Fair.
I thought, thought that was it.
987
00:45:55,586 --> 00:45:57,587
My dad waits a beat and he goes,
988
00:45:57,588 --> 00:46:00,173
"You know, it's just unfortunate
989
00:46:00,174 --> 00:46:02,926
because my son has special needs."
990
00:46:05,721 --> 00:46:10,183
Mr. Perfect turns around,
looks at me, and he goes,
991
00:46:10,184 --> 00:46:14,228
"Kid, I-I'm noticing it now.
I am so sorry, sir.
992
00:46:14,229 --> 00:46:16,564
"You should have told me.
I apologize.
993
00:46:16,565 --> 00:46:18,274
Gimme your ticket,
I'll sign whatever you want."
994
00:46:18,275 --> 00:46:19,567
I swear to God, I still have it.
995
00:46:19,568 --> 00:46:23,197
He wrote, "Mr. Perfect.
It's all gonna be okay."
996
00:46:25,365 --> 00:46:27,158
Just--
997
00:46:27,159 --> 00:46:30,120
I have the ticket.
I'll sell it. I'll sell it to you, sir.
998
00:46:33,457 --> 00:46:35,666
Ninth inning comes, no-hitter.
999
00:46:35,667 --> 00:46:38,586
It's crazy.
It's 11:45 at night, okay?
1000
00:46:38,587 --> 00:46:40,755
We are so late, it's insane.
1001
00:46:40,756 --> 00:46:42,882
But the stadium goes crazy, nuts.
1002
00:46:42,883 --> 00:46:45,718
It was, like, an unbelievable
event to be at.
1003
00:46:45,719 --> 00:46:47,470
And I think, well, that was fun.
1004
00:46:47,471 --> 00:46:49,055
My father's gonna take us
to the taxi stand,
1005
00:46:49,056 --> 00:46:51,849
we're gonna rush home
and he'll talk to my mom.
1006
00:46:51,850 --> 00:46:52,975
No.
1007
00:46:52,976 --> 00:46:55,603
Takes me to a bar across the street.
1008
00:46:55,604 --> 00:46:58,898
The whole stadium was filing
into this bar across the street.
1009
00:46:58,899 --> 00:47:00,942
We walk in there,
all his friends are in there.
1010
00:47:00,943 --> 00:47:02,401
They let me go up on the bar top.
1011
00:47:02,402 --> 00:47:05,446
I was drinking Mountain Dew
out of the soda gun, okay?
1012
00:47:05,447 --> 00:47:06,739
I was annihilated.
1013
00:47:06,740 --> 00:47:09,617
Charlene boofed the ferret.
It was...
1014
00:47:09,618 --> 00:47:12,371
Boofed it, fully, at some point.
Boop!
1015
00:47:14,998 --> 00:47:15,999
And...
1016
00:47:17,668 --> 00:47:20,295
And so, and so...
1017
00:47:21,797 --> 00:47:23,047
You ready for this?
1018
00:47:23,048 --> 00:47:25,132
We're walking down
my mother's block,
1019
00:47:25,133 --> 00:47:30,012
4:30 in the morning,
on a school night!
1020
00:47:30,013 --> 00:47:32,682
4:30 in the morning!
1021
00:47:32,683 --> 00:47:35,017
My dad goes, "Chrissy, did you
have a good time tonight?"
1022
00:47:35,018 --> 00:47:36,769
I said, "Dad, let me tell you
something right now.
1023
00:47:36,770 --> 00:47:39,272
That was the best night
of my fuckin' life, okay?"
1024
00:47:39,273 --> 00:47:41,941
I said, "Charlene boofed a ferret.
1025
00:47:41,942 --> 00:47:44,820
I-- Unbelievable! I'm high!"
1026
00:47:46,196 --> 00:47:49,156
And he goes, [gruff] "Chrissy, me too.
100%, me too."
1027
00:47:49,157 --> 00:47:52,368
He was like,
"Now, here's the thing, okay?"
1028
00:47:52,369 --> 00:47:53,995
He was like, "First of all,
what do I tell you
1029
00:47:53,996 --> 00:47:56,497
"is the number-one rule of life
above all other rules of life?
1030
00:47:56,498 --> 00:47:57,957
What is number one?"
1031
00:47:57,958 --> 00:47:59,417
I was like, "Don't be a rat."
1032
00:47:59,418 --> 00:48:02,003
He's like,
"Exactly. That's my boy!
1033
00:48:02,004 --> 00:48:04,881
"Do not be a rat.
1034
00:48:04,882 --> 00:48:08,759
"Because your mother's gonna ask you,
did we leave in the third inning?
1035
00:48:08,760 --> 00:48:11,888
"You're gonna say, 'Yes, Mom,
we left in the third inning.
1036
00:48:11,889 --> 00:48:14,599
"'There were train delays.
What am I, an asshole?'
1037
00:48:14,600 --> 00:48:18,102
And she'll believe you, okay?
She always believes me."
1038
00:48:18,103 --> 00:48:20,646
I was like,
"No, she never believes you,
1039
00:48:20,647 --> 00:48:23,232
and I'm typically not allowed
to curse in front of my mom."
1040
00:48:23,233 --> 00:48:24,859
He was like,
"Just do it, it's fine."
1041
00:48:24,860 --> 00:48:26,777
Said, "Okay, whatever you want, Dad."
1042
00:48:26,778 --> 00:48:29,530
So, my father walks me up the stairs
to my mother's house,
1043
00:48:29,531 --> 00:48:31,741
rings her bell, runs away.
1044
00:48:31,742 --> 00:48:34,118
Just runs away!
1045
00:48:34,119 --> 00:48:38,749
Left a 12-year-old retarded boy
cold and alone.
1046
00:48:40,500 --> 00:48:41,919
Just, I'm just like...
1047
00:48:46,381 --> 00:48:48,507
My mother opens the door.
1048
00:48:48,508 --> 00:48:50,426
She's like,
"Where is your father?"
1049
00:48:50,427 --> 00:48:52,095
I was like,
"I haven't seen him."
1050
00:48:55,098 --> 00:48:56,849
She was like,
"Where were you?"
1051
00:48:56,850 --> 00:48:58,935
I was like,
"We left in the third inning.
1052
00:48:58,936 --> 00:49:01,688
There were train delays.
What am I, an asshole?"
1053
00:49:02,856 --> 00:49:05,191
And I hear my father go,
"That's my boy!"
1054
00:49:05,192 --> 00:49:07,109
Guys, thank you so much, man.
1055
00:49:07,110 --> 00:49:09,236
I appreciate it.
1056
00:49:09,237 --> 00:49:12,156
I know it was hot.
You guys did great.
1057
00:49:12,157 --> 00:49:14,659
{\an8}Jesus loves you, never forget that.
1058
00:49:14,660 --> 00:49:17,078
{\an8}Jesus loves you.
Thank you so much.
1059
00:49:17,079 --> 00:49:20,039
{\an8}Give it up for James Mattern, yourselves.
1060
00:49:20,040 --> 00:49:21,916
{\an8}Thank you, guys.
Get home safe.
1061
00:49:21,917 --> 00:49:23,876
{\an8}Brittany, it was nice knowing ya.
1062
00:49:23,877 --> 00:49:25,253
{\an8}Bye-bye, thank you.
1063
00:49:28,215 --> 00:49:33,511
{\an8}♪ See me dancing down the avenue,
there ain't nothing that...♪
1064
00:49:33,512 --> 00:49:35,471
{\an8}Some good B-roll
we're getting talking about--
1065
00:49:35,472 --> 00:49:38,140
{\an8}Look at this.
This is what the special is.
1066
00:49:38,141 --> 00:49:39,934
{\an8}- Was it good, baby?
- I stayed on that fuckin' carpet.
1067
00:49:39,935 --> 00:49:41,811
{\an8}- You stayed on the carpet.
- I stayed on that carpet.
1068
00:49:41,812 --> 00:49:43,062
{\an8}Please talk about
the carpet the whole time.
1069
00:49:43,063 --> 00:49:44,146
{\an8}- You asshole.
- Yeah, I will. I'll do it.
1070
00:49:44,147 --> 00:49:45,356
{\an8}Know what it is, it's chaos.
1071
00:49:45,357 --> 00:49:46,440
{\an8}- It's chaos.
- Yeah, it's great.
1072
00:49:46,441 --> 00:49:48,818
{\an8}I told them 'cause they got
video of-of Sal falling...
1073
00:49:48,819 --> 00:49:50,486
{\an8}- Did they?
- ...I was like, if Hulu doesn't want it,
1074
00:49:50,487 --> 00:49:52,781
{\an8}- I want it for my own personal...
- Sal.
1075
00:49:54,783 --> 00:49:59,246
{\an8}Oh! Oh! Boo!
1076
00:50:01,665 --> 00:50:03,542
{\an8}Chris Distefano's No-Hitter!
1077
00:50:04,626 --> 00:50:07,420
{\an8}Berkowitz was saying, what about
calling the special Good Bunny?
1078
00:50:07,421 --> 00:50:10,006
{\an8}- It's very good.
- I don't hate it.
1079
00:50:10,007 --> 00:50:11,674
{\an8}No-Hitter is actually not a bad name.
1080
00:50:11,675 --> 00:50:14,593
{\an8}I'm saying, no one has had
that format of a name, you know?
1081
00:50:14,594 --> 00:50:17,847
{\an8}Chris Distefano's No-Hitter.
1082
00:50:17,848 --> 00:50:19,850
{\an8}What if we call it Special Needs?
1083
00:50:23,061 --> 00:50:27,231
{\an8}Chris Distefano's No-Hitter,
presented by Hulu.
1084
00:50:27,232 --> 00:50:29,860
{\an8}- I like Mr. Perfect.
- You like Mr. Perfect?
1085
00:50:31,028 --> 00:50:33,529
{\an8}I like Words Louder Than Actions.
1086
00:50:33,530 --> 00:50:35,489
{\an8}I like that too,
it's just too wordy.
1087
00:50:35,490 --> 00:50:37,742
{\an8}Good Bunny I think is interesting
just because--
1088
00:50:37,743 --> 00:50:39,827
{\an8}but then it's like you have to know
it correlates to Bad Bunny.
1089
00:50:39,828 --> 00:50:41,787
{\an8}- It's a lot.
- It steps on the joke, too.
1090
00:50:41,788 --> 00:50:43,372
{\an8}Yeah.
I should call it,
1091
00:50:43,373 --> 00:50:45,500
{\an8}"I prematurely sold my house
in Staten Island."
1092
00:50:47,961 --> 00:50:51,756
{\an8}I should call it, "Please give me back
my house in Staten Island."
1093
00:50:51,757 --> 00:50:54,050
{\an8}I'm gonna call it, "The mortgage rate
is too high and I fucked up."
1094
00:50:54,051 --> 00:50:55,342
{\an8}Hey, how are you?
1095
00:50:55,343 --> 00:50:57,928
♪ Beat, dancing to my own ♪
1096
00:50:57,929 --> 00:50:59,930
♪ Dancing to my own beat ♪
1097
00:50:59,931 --> 00:51:02,058
♪ Dancing to my own ♪
1098
00:51:02,059 --> 00:51:03,934
♪ Dancing to my own beat ♪
1099
00:51:03,935 --> 00:51:05,854
♪ Dancing to my own ♪