[announcer] You know him from Chrissy Chaos!
[cheering and applause]
You might know him from Hey Babe!
He is Chris Distefano!
[cheering and applause]
[♪ "Dancing To My Own Beat" by Moa Munoz and Ryan T. Short playing]
♪ See me dancing down the avenue ♪
[Chris Distefano] Yes!
Hello!
Tarrytown, Westchester, woo!
-[audience cheering] -Yeah, baby!
-Property taxes! -[laughter]
Love Tarrytown Music Hall. This place is haunted.
Sit in your seat, sir. You sit down.
Yeah, just go 'head. Go sit down, buddy.
I like it, we let the migrants in. Um...
-[laughter] -I'm kidding, I'm just joking.
Not in Westchester, motherfucker!
Right? Woo! I'm kidding. I'm just joking.
This special, I'm gonna talk about what I talked about
in the beginning of the last special.
It's over for white people.
-[audience laughing] -Alright? I mean,
let's be honest. We had a nice run, though.
-We really did. -[laughter]
The whites, we had a nice run, but, baby, it's over.
[chuckles] Okay?
I mean, 2,000 years though, absolutely dominated.
-[audience laughing] -I mean, can we at least admit that?
People fucked around and found out.
-[audience laughing] -But make no mistake, we're done.
Step on your dumb white head. Over.
But you know me, dude, I knew that it's not okay
to be white moving into the new year.
No more white. It's not okay.
So, I said I can't-- You know, I'm not-- I-I'm only white.
I'm only-- I'm never gonna change,
even though I am-- I would like to transition.
I don't wanna transition sexually. I do wanna transition racially.
[chuckles] And I said the only way to do that
is I can't have non-white kids,
and now I'm proud to say I have three kids, Puerto Rican.
-Three Puerto Rican kids. -[cheering and applause]
Yes. Where are my Latinos at?
[loud cheering and applause]
Oh, my God. Security, there's a lot of 'em!
[laughter]
-[audience member] Puerto Rico! -Oh, my God, sir.
Yeah, you're scaring the whites and--
I sound like my family.
[audience laughing]
Dude.
So, I have three beautiful Puerto Rican children
'cause I knew-- Listen, here's the thing.
The media, they said nine years ago,
they said, "Listen, the Latino minority
is gonna become the Latino majority."
I said, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em."
[audience laughing]
And I went out nine, 10 years ago, I found a beautiful Latina woman.
We had unprotected sex first date, that's how I roll, and--
Chrissy Drip-Drop. [laughs] You know what it is.
[laughter and clapping]
We were having sex, she was like, "Papi."
I was like, "Okay."
-[chuckles] -[audience laughing]
Just let it fly. Direct hit.
And now we have three beautiful Puerto Rican kids.
Their names are Niña, Pinta, and Santa Maria.
[laughing] And they are little explorers.
-Uh... [chuckles] -[laughter]
It's beautiful. It's a beautiful thing.
It's really fun to be, like, the only white guy in your family.
[chuckles]
My whole family's-- I love Puerto Rican culture.
I love the Latino culture.
-[audience member] Woo! -Very family-oriented, yes.
There's always a lot of people in my house.
Like, I'll go home tonight, there'll be 10 people in my house I don't know. I--
They're just out there. Every day, I'm going to the airport,
picking up people from San Juan, we're getting' back.
[audience laughing]
Pito's here. We got it! I love it.
Did you get to see my Christmas picture?
It was me and 90 Puerto Rican people.
-[audience laughing] -I look like I was being sacrificed.
-I-- -[audience laughing]
[laughs] I, I thought they were gonna pour adobo on me.
[laughter]
Chrissy Chuleta.
[laughs] But it's a beautiful thing, dude, to have kids.
I mean, who has kids out there? Who has children?
-[cheering and applause] -There ya go. There ya go.
See that? Here's the thing.
Towns like this, I feel more normal in here
'cause people have children, you know?
'Cause here the-- Here-- The truth is, I don't have anything in common anymore
with people that don't have kids.
And whatever you wanna-- I support you. Your body, your choice.
[chuckles] Whatever you wanna do, you know?
In New York, you can abort your kid up 'til its 18th birthday.
-There aren't-- -[audience laughing]
Whatever you wanna do. I love it.
Whatever, whatever you wanna do.
But it's just-- it's to the point now where I have to be honest with you,
I believe if you have no kids, you have no problems.
I don't know what you're complaining about in your life.
If you have no children, go do whatever you wanna do,
whenever you wanna do it.
Nobody's stopping you but you.
I can't do whatever I want.
Every step I take, I have three little fuckin' empanadas
-on my ankle. -[audience laughing]
Just being like, "Papi. Leche."
-[chuckles] -[audience laughing]
She's leaving, she's like, "Not if he's gonna make fun of milk!"
[laughter and applause]
It's hard. I'm telling you, you know?
Like, well, first of all, like,
my oldest daughter doesn't even speak English.
It's like, I have issues here. She won't-- My-- She refuses.
She's neglecting the white side
and only honoring abuelita and the Latina side.
She just-- Because you know how it i-- 'Cause in school, you know the curriculum.
[emphatic] "White people suck.
"Christopher Columbus gave you AIDS!
White people are the devil!"
[laughter]
[normal] And I love my daughter, you know?
And she comes home, I'm like, "How was your day, baby?"
She's like, [agitated] "Oh, fuck you, Dad!
[audience laughing]
I just learned about what you and your people did!"
[normal] And I have to be like, "No, love me. Come on.
You know Bad Bunny. I'm Good Bunny."
[laughter and clapping]
"Conejo Bueno."
-[audience laughing] -[Chris chuckles]
I know. I don't even know why people with no kids,
like, when they complain, it's like the algorithm
and the media has made you think you're sick.
You have, like, a mental health issue. You don't.
Like, I was talking to a girl the other day.
She was like, [frantic] "I am just paralyzed.
"I don't know what to do.
Should I break up with my boyfriend?"
[normal] I was like, "Um, I-I don't know. Do you guys have kids?"
"No." Kill him!
[audience laughing]
That's what I would do if I were you. I'd kill your boyfriend, lady.
Who cares? The police? They don't give a shit.
[laughter]
You're making it up.
You don't have any...
You know, another thing, too.
Please, if-- You know, if you don't have kids,
please don't burden parents with your problems.
It's like, I can't also now figure out your life, too.
Alright? My family doesn't even speak English.
Like I-- You know? That's a safety issue.
I can't... [chuckles] I can't now also--
I got a friend, he'll leave me, like, nine-minute voice memos.
[nerdy voice] "Chris, can I talk to you for a second about my mental health?
"I'm feeling, like, alone, and people are not really respecting me at work.
"And, you know, I used to do comedy, and now I opened up a sandwich shop,
"and it's just really getting difficult
for me to just figure out my place in this."
[normal] I'm like, "Dude, my kids are sticking their feet
in the Nutribullet. What the..."
[audience laughing]
"Figure it out!"
You know what I'm talking about. People with ki--
I can't come off the carpet, by the way.
They told me if I co-- So, just know, I'm coming right to here.
-[audience laughing] -I cannot come off this carpet.
They told me, "You better not!" But I'll come right here.
Why are you dressed-- Uh, you-- Why are you wearing your coaching outfit?
What is SJB Football?
[audience member] It's just, uh, where I used to coach.
Yes, but why are you wearing it, like, tucked into your pants
on a Sunday night, dude?
-[laughter and clapping] -You're not on the field!
She's like, "I am not fucking you tonight.
-"No, not unless... [chuckles] -[audience laughing]
Get a whistle."
[laughter]
Alright, good for you.
The world is tough right now.
The media, they do a number on people.
They make everyone think they're sick.
The world now is about, words speak louder than actions.
It's not actions speak louder than words.
Now, it's words speak louder than actions.
And that's a to-- That's a slippery slope kind of world.
You gotta walk on eggshells.
That's tough. But it's the news.
People get sucked into the news. Parents, I don't.
I'm not watching the news. How?
I'm in fourth place in my own life.
-Like, what am I doing? -[audience laughing]
I can't. I cannot do it.
And I got a friend, he's a social justice warrior.
That's good. That's fun.
And he's just, you know, he's always mad at me.
He's like, [high-strung] "Chris!
"Are you using your platform to make a difference?
[laughter]
"You have to ask yourself every single day,
"are you using your platform to make a difference?
Are you watching the news?"
[normal] I'm like, "No, you stupid asshole."
[audience laughing]
[laughs] I'm not watching the news. I have three kids.
I'm watching Cocomelon with a fucking gun in my mouth.
[laughter and applause]
All day, every day.
They sing songs about the solar system.
I push the gun further and further back.
I'm gonna blow my head off in front of my family.
[laughter]
And Pinta's gonna go, "Ay, Dios mío. Ay!"
It's hard. You know, I don't know, I have no--
You know, parents, like, they-- O-Our life is about the kids, I don't--
Movies, TV shows, I have no idea. I have no idea what's going on.
I watch what the children wanna watch, right?
That's what parents-- Whatever the kids wanna do
and watch, that's what I watch.
Then, what happens? Parents know.
Watch whatever they wanna watch, they fall asleep,
I put them in bed, I come back downstairs,
and I just continue watching whatever they were watching
'cause I am violently depressed, alright?
I mean, the lights are on, but nobody's home.
[chuckles] I have quiet quit.
It's-- Ya know?
The next thing you know, I'm sitting there by myself.
It's 3:30 in the morning, snap into consciousness,
and I just start jerking off to The Little Mermaid.
-[chuckles] -[audience laughing]
That's what it is.
Just holding it, waiting for Ursula to come on
-'cause I know she's over 18, and-- -[audience laughing]
Right? We got the same haircut.
-Get-- -[audience laughing]
Gettin' a little squid cleavage.
[laughter]
I'm waiting for my part.
[sings] ♪ Poor unfortunate souls ♪
Then a little cum. Just a teardrop of cum.
Just a drop. Nobody's shooting ropes.
I haven't shot a rope in 10 years
'cause I got a swollen prostate I can't get looked at
'cause the kids have fuckin' soccer, so that's...
[laughter and clapping]
Right? You know what I'm talkin' about, dude.
You ever have a swollen nut?
It's just hard-- It's just different.
You know, we're living in a different world.
I said the words speak louder than actions.
And people now will just say whatever they want
to, like, excuse bad behavior.
Everyone, you know?
[snide voice] "It's a safe space, everyone gets away with everything,"
[normal] and it's ridiculous.
Everybody wants to be a part of everything now, too.
Have you noticed it? Like, everybody just want--
Like, everybody says they're on the spectrum now.
Everybody's just on the spectrum. I'm like, what?
Really, you're on the spectrum?
You better have a helmet on and be fuckin' biting me.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles] Okay? Every time we hang out,
I wanna get a tetanus shot 'cause you're outta your mind!
You're on the spectrum, shut up. No, you're not, dude.
You're not on the spectrum, you're just 46 years old,
you still think wrestling's real. That's all, ya know?
-You might be on the spectrum, sir. If-- -[audience laughing]
Listen, this joke-- [chuckling] Everybody but you.
[laughter]
It's nuts. But, right? This is the world.
You know as a coach. I mean, it's hard to coach--
No, it's hard to coach the kids.
[audience laughing]
Like, look, man, you know, like, you gotta--
It's, it's a slippery slope, you, you know?
People are just-- they're getting sucked into the algorithm.
You know, they're getting sucked into the media.
They got no kids, they got nothing going on.
And you piss people off.
People are fighting, like, this invisible, like, politics war
that doesn't even exist.
Like, you're safe here, and people are like,
[frantic] "No, I'm angry all the time!"
[normal] And you walk into it.
Dude, I triggered somebody the other day with a coffee order.
Could you imagine? All I did was order a coffee.
This person snapped!
'Cause I used what they thought was the wrong word.
It was nuts. Listen, I get it.
I don't have a safe white look.
I get that this isn't-- I got January 6th look.
-[audience laughing] -I get it.
-This is J6L. -[laughter and clapping]
It's a cologne I'm selling.
By Trump, and-- [laughs]
Dude, there's sweat in my eyes. It's nuts!
-[audience laughing] -But I don't care.
I'm gonna just do it 'til I'm fuckin' blind.
Put me in, Coach!
[audience laughing]
Can you please untuck your shirt at least, please?
Thank you. Jesus fuckin' Christ.
This guy's-- Yeah, pull it out! There it is.
-[cheering and applause] -I wanted to see his--
There it is, folks.
[Chris laughing]
'Kay. Alright.
No.
So, yeah, dude, I triggered somebody with a coffee order.
Could you imagine, something as benign as that?
I walk in, you know, a new coffee shop.
The barista was there, very woke, you know?
[laughter]
Blue hair, don't care.
[audience laughing]
Her name was Annie Antifa.
And she was just ready to go!
Just angry! [laughs] "I'm just mad!"
And so, you know, I walked in and I order my coffee
the same way I order it all the time.
I was like, "Hey, how are ya?"
I was like, "Can I have a small iced coffee, black?"
She was like, [exasperated] "What?
Oh, my-- What did you just say to me?!"
[normal] I was like, "Um, c-can I have a small iced coffee, black?"
She was like, [exasperated] "Do you mean
"a small iced coffee
with no cream?!"
[normal] I was like, "Um, isn't that the same-sicles as...
[audience laughing]
...a small iced coffee, black?"
She was like, [exasperated] "After what the African American community
"has been through the last three years,
"I think you, especially you, could do a better job
ordering your coffee!"
[normal] And I was like, "Lady... sir...
-uh..." -[audience laughing]
[cheering and applause]
I said, "Listen to me!"
I said, "I don't have the time or energy
"to try to figure out the politically correct way
"you want me to order a coffee, alright?
"I'm watching Encanto to try to talk to my children.
[audience laughing]
"So... [chuckles]
"So... just do me a favor, please,
and give me my cafe negro pequeño right now."
[cheering and applause]
"Give it to me, before I talk about Bruno."
[audience laughing]
You know, she probably went home, talked to her cats, you know?
[exasperated] "I was verbally assaulted at work today!
Toxic masculinity! I'm gonna kill myself!"
[audience laughing]
Do it. Uh, like...
[laughter]
actions, baby. Just don't tweet about it.
I don't need to see it live-streamed.
[audience laughing]
[Chris chuckles]
Listen, you know, the people, you know, parents in the room
know it's hard with kids, you know, especially, you know,
my Latina women out there, you like old-school guys, right?
That's what it is. It's all old-school kinda thing, you know?
Like, they-- So, like, my-- You know, she-- My girl, she wants a guy
who knows how to build stuff. Like, that's-- We're build--
I don't know how to build anything. I can build walls emotionally. I--
-[audience laughing] -I'm good at that.
You want a wall up?
I'll do that. You cannot get in.
It's like, no, I have no idea how to build anything.
I wear fucking Lululemon. Like, I don't...
[audience laughing]
Like, I can't help it, you know, and she gets mad.
Like the other day, I came into the house, she was putting up sheetrock.
[laughter]
I don't even know what sheetrock is. She was, was putting it up.
She was like, "Are you gonna help me?"
I was like, "Uh, yeah."
[audience laughing]
I went to the kitchen, I made us lemonades. [laughs]
[laughter and clapping]
Wearing one of her thongs. [chuckles] You know?
But you do it for the kids, Coach.
That's what we're doing it for, you know?
Want the kids to be-- And I love my kids, man.
I really do. My daughters.
But it's like, it's hard because, you know,
you wanna reprimand them sometimes, but sometimes my kids say funny stuff.
I don't know what--
Like, I-I-I have my eight-year-old daughter
and my two-year-old daughter, and we walk.
Our thing is, like, after dinner, right before bed,
we take a nice little walk around the block, just our little thing.
The other night, I'm-- we're walking, I'm holding my two-year-old,
the eight-year-old's a little in front of me,
and she looks up at the moon.
And she's like, "Look, Daddy, the moon's broken."
Aw, cute.
Because it wasn't a full moon, you know?
It was, like, another one. [laughing]
I don't know the phases of the moon, man.
I'm not a fuckin' Native American, I don't...
-[audience laughing] -I couldn't...
A waning gibbous?
[chuckles] I don't, I don't know.
She's like, "Aw, the moon's broken." Cute.
And then my eight-year-old goes, "Is she slow?"
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Maybe." [chuckles]
[laughter]
And, dude, let me tell you something about my eight-year-old daughter, okay?
I mean, this little girl, like, girl? She's like a little woman.
She's like a little pequeña woman. She's just there.
She just ha-- already has-- is born with that thing
to just, you know, file away something you said
without even acknowledging she knows.
Just file it away to release it for drama,
for no reason, just bang.
Just for no reason. Just wants to cause the drama.
I-- Like, the other day, we had the best day ever.
It was just my eight-year-old and I, beautiful daddy-daughter day.
I mean, everything.
'Kay, we're going to the park, ice cream.
I spent $200 at Claire's.
Do you know how much cheap gold plastic?
I-- My kid looked like Mr. T.
-It-- -[audience laughing]
Not in blackface, just--
Just FYI, just the jewelry.
[chuckles] And so...
I was like, the best day of days, right?
We're out all day, eight hours.
Five seconds of this beautiful eight-hour day,
a Latina woman and her husband and kids,
the woman came up to me, wanted to take a quick picture,
something very nice to say.
What a nice interaction.
Five seconds. My daughter wasn't even looking.
I didn't even think she was paying attention.
I don't even think she saw it. I didn't think twice about her.
Went out for another five hours, the day of all days.
As soon as we get home, I mean, the second we walk into the house,
my girl opens the door, and she was like, "How was your day, honey?"
She was like, "It was great. Daddy took a picture with a woman
who was as pretty, maybe prettier than you."
[audience laughing]
And then... just skipped away.
Just skipped away.
And I had no choice, I had to eat my own words
and do what I said I wouldn't. I said, "She's on the spectrum.
-"She-- She's-- -[audience laughing]
"This is my daughter. She's-- [laughs] She's on the spectrum.
She bit me!"
[audience laughing]
It's hard. I'm telling you, dude, if you take anything tonight,
if you wanna have kids, I'm telling you, just listen to what I'm telling.
Listen to what I'm saying, it's hard, about the words.
The words speak louder than actions.
That's the, that's the thing. That's the fundamental difference
between now and 20 years ago.
And girls are okay.
Like, my daughters, I got faith in them.
They're good, right?
Like, they're strong-willed, funny, I'm funny.
But boys, it's tough.
I mean, think about being a teenage boy today.
-I mean, when I was 15... -[audience member] Woo!
...the things I used to say,
I would be publicly executed for--
[audience laughing]
But back then, there was no evidence.
Nobody heard me say it, so I didn't say it.
-It's just-- -[audience laughing]
But now, everything you do,
you gotta be really careful
about the advice you dole out to these kids.
Very tough, and I think it's harder with boys
'cause I, like I said, I have my daughters,
but then I also have a 13-year-old stepson.
Alright, and I love my stepson.
He's almost like my family. I...
-[audience laughing] -[Chris laughing]
[laughing] I love-- He sleeps right there on my property.
The-- He's right there. Sleeps right there.
I love--
You know? [laughs] Right there.
We live in the same house, but we talk on Zoom only.
You know, you gotta be careful. And...
[Chris chuckles]
we were talking on Zoom the other day,
and I was trying to talk to him, catch up.
You know, I wanted to catch up. I was like,
"Come on, buddy, what's going on? Tell me everything. What's going on?"
I was like, "How's school? You talking to any girls?"
He was like, "Yeah. Yeah, there's somebody."
You know, he's like, "But-But honestly, like, I don't know what to say sometimes.
I just get stuck."
I was like, "Let me tell you something right now, okay?
"Here's one thing I know for sure. Girls love confidence.
"That's what they wanna see from you. Confidence, alright?
I'm gonna teach you some stuff the stoics said, some Marcus Aurelius."
[chuckles] And this kid-- And he was like, "Chris, no. No, it's not that.
"It's that she identifies as a they.
So, how do I approach that situation?"
I said, "Listen, I'm not your real father."
[laughter and applause]
Yo no se!
[laughing] I don't know, buddy.
I don't know what to tell you, man. Suck her dick?
-I don't know. -[audience laughing]
Maybe that?
Would that be right, Coach? Tell me-- Okay.
[laughter and cheering]
Coach, you want some water? You need to hydrate?
You good? I like you, man.
Any Indian people here?
Any Indian? Nobody?
Now, way to go, Chris!
-[audience laughing] -What a nice diverse crowd I have.
Love Indian people, dude. I wish there were more Indian people here.
I love-- Let me tell you something, Indian people?
Number one, I think the number-one race I love.
Ancient, spiritual, love Indian people.
Dude, anytime I see an Indian man sleeping,
I just assume he's meditating.
-Always. -[audience laughing]
I swear to Christ. I sw-- It's true.
Last week I was flying New York to LA, six-hour flight.
There was an Indian man sitting next to me.
From takeoff to touchdown, every second, this man was asleep.
Every second.
When he woke up, I said, "Sir, teach me.
Teach me how to get to this level of nirvana."
He was like, "I'm an alcoholic."
[audience laughing]
[audience member] Woo!
There-There's another one.
-[audience laughing] -That's it.
That, that is a-- That lady has HPV.
100%. Woo!
We all do, right? What's a speed bump, Coach?
Have a fuckin' wart.
Good for you, lady. I love this lady.
Oh yeah, this lady's definitely gonna get arrested.
[audience laughing]
Any Chinese people?
-[audience member] Yeah! -Way to go, again!
-You're Chinese? -[audience member] And Cuban!
Chinese and Cuban. Holy Communist.
[laughter and applause]
Way to go. Chinese and Cuban!
Oh, my God. Could you be any more of the enemy?
Holy smokes!
-[audience laughing] -[Chris chuckles]
Love it. Love it.
Let me tell you something, dude.
Here's a, here's a big part of parenting, okay?
Playdates.
You gotta have playdates with the other kids' parents,
and some of these kids and their parents, oh, my God. So--
Everybody has an allergy.
You know, every fucking uppity white dad, it's the same conversation. Have to--
He's talking to me about his startup and crypto, you know?
The mom's like, [high-strung] "Are you gonna put this in your skit?"
[normal] I'm like, "I hope you get hit by a bus, lady!"
-[audience laughing] -"That's the skit,
your head rolling down the street going, 'Gluten!'"
-[laughter and applause] -[Chris sighs]
But, dude, but the Chinese, your mother's people,
the Chinese love it.
Dude, my daughter has got-- There's one kid in her class
who's Chinese, his name's David.
Okay, I don't know what his, you know,
I don't know what his government Chinese name is,
but he's going undercover here as David, and I respect that.
I respect his chi. I love--
David. Love this kid.
You know, she's got other friends in her class.
No, I don't wanna see those kids. David. It-- 'Cause guess what?
When you have a playdate with David, guess who I've never met once?
David's parents, okay?
'Cause guess where David's parents are? Working.
They're at work, they're in the factory building shit, making stuff.
Wit it, okay? You don't meet them.
They're not working from home. No.
They're out there.
I've only ever met David's grandmother, okay?
David's grandmother, 192 years old.
-[audience laughing] -This woman, oh!
Every time we have a playdate, she's doing Tai Chi, Sudoku.
It's like a brain-body workout.
Never asked about allergies.
The other day, she gave my kid a live shrimp in a bag.
I said, "Is this a pet or food?
"I don't know, but thank you.
-[audience laughing] -We honor-- Love it."
'Cause here's the thing, here's the thing.
The planet, the planet is dying, right?
We can all agree, this planet's dying.
We're gonna need to find sustainable life on a new planet.
Okay, and I think the spaceship that takes the people from this planet
to the new sustainable life planet
is gonna have a Chinese flag right on the side of it.
I think it's-- And I'm just hoping that my daughter
and her Chinese husband, "David," get a plus-one and bring Pops.
-[audience laughing] -Survive and advance.
Today, I am Latino. Tomorrow, I am Chinese.
-That's... -[laughter and applause]
I'm comin' for you. That's how you have to roll.
[applause]
Twenty years ago, it was just fun.
I saw-- I grew up with a father who was about actions.
He was about-- He was the old school.
He was actions spoke louder than words,
which I just think is an easier world to navigate.
And all I saw was my father lead with the actions,
and who cares about the words?
And I-- Every race, culture, creed that met my dad loved him.
Everybody loves my dad 'cause he's pure.
He's got a pure, cholesterol-filled heart.
It's-- He's as pure as you can be. A slab of bacon.
And, y-you know, he would-- He-- His actions, loved everybody.
Like, I had two friends who were gay growing up, right, in high school.
They were gay, and, you know, my dad would invite them over
when maybe other people's families wouldn't
'cause it was oth-- another time back then.
My dad, "Have them in." Love him. The action, beautiful.
But, you know, my dad's got his jokes.
He's gonna say his words, but what-what can you do, right?
My dad-- You know, my friends would come over.
I remember as soon as they walked in,
he was standing there holding two eggplants.
He was like, "Come on, guys, you wanna sit on these?
[audience laughing]
Come on, sit down! It's a joke!"
Then whatever, they sit down, spin around.
You get a laugh. You get a laugh.
They didn't care, they loved-- They still love my dad.
And, you know, it's a beautiful thing.
'Cause I tell my kids all the time,
the main thing I say, "Control your output.
"I don't know about the outcome, but if you can control your output,
"forget about the outcome 'cause it's a very judgmental society at times.
"I don't know how people are gonna receive you,
but if you're controlling your part, that's all I'm looking for."
And that's what I look for in people. Are you controlling your part?
And I look-- My dad is. My dad really is trying, okay?
But he's got a third-grade education.
So, listen, it's not all home runs, but the guy tries,
and that's what I'm looking for.
Like, I swear, he calls me up one day,
he was like, [gruff voice] "Chrissy," he was like, "Listen to me.
You know your daughter's Puerto Rican, right?"
[normal] I was like, "Um, yeah.
I mean, she's eight years old, she has a tattoo on her tit, so."
[audience laughing]
Joke. I'm joking. I'm joking. Look, the Latinos, having fun.
It's always the white people.
[outraged] "That is not okay!"
[normal] I'm joking. I'm joking.
My daughter was born with a birthmark right here.
It says, "Boricua."
[laughter and applause]
It's a condition.
No. [chuckles]
I said, "Yeah-Yeah, yes, I know she's Puerto Rican.
I mean, do you know? It's your granddaughter."
He was like, [gruff] "Yeah, well, listen.
"Alright, I've been doing the research,
"and they don't throw sweet 16s in the Latina culture.
"Alright, you look like a real idiot if you try to throw her a sweet 16
'cause that's not what her and her people do."
[normal] I was like, "Okay, first of all, she's eight.
"So, I'm not remotely, at all, not for one second,
"thinking about her sweet 16.
"Second of all, she's born and raised in America.
They absolutely have sweet 16s."
He was like, [gruff] "No, no, no! See, that's where you're wrong.
"You're living in your white bubble with your white privilege,
"and I won't stand for that no more.
"I've been talking to my friends down at the bodega
"and they're telling me they don't throw the parties
"for the girls at 16 in the Latina culture.
"They throw the parties for the girls at 15.
"They call 'em quesadillas.
[audience laughing]
"So...
"So, you gotta throw her a quesadilla,
and I'm payin' for it, cash." [normal] I was like...
-[audience laughing] -[Chris chuckles]
I was like, "Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on.
Do you mean quinceañera?"
He was like, [gruff] "That's what I said. A 'quinceandilla.'"
[laughter]
I was like, "No, now you're mixing 'quesadilla' and 'quinceañera.'"
He's like, [gruff] "Oh, I'm sorry.
"I didn't know you spoke Spanish with your boyfriend.
[audience laughing]
Bring out the eggplant. You and Julio can have a seat."
-[laughter] -[Chris chuckles]
Here's the thing about my father, here's how I describe him.
He always would have the right intentions, but the wrong moves.
I will-- I'll admit, wrong moves,
but the intentions were pure. Again, the actions.
That's what I cared about, and that's all I saw.
All I saw was people loving my father 'cause he would make jokes.
If a situation, a situation was tense, my dad's making a joke.
Beautiful. Like when I graduated college, right?
It was a very inclusive ceremony.
They wanted to make sure every major religion was accepted
and, y-you know, w-was-was out there, so-- w-was represented.
So, they-they-- the-the college ceremony started off with a Catholic priest.
He came out, gave a nice little speech, jerked off an altar boy. Um...
-[audience laughing] -You know, I was the altar boy, and...
[laughter]
[chuckles] They had a Jewish rabbi come out.
He gave a nice little speech too, went back in the tunnel.
-Um... -[audience laughing]
It was-- Dude, he built a tunnel from-- It was, like, it was poppin' up.
Like, dude, El Chapo should hire the Jews for the tunnels.
I mean, that's why they're not getting the rabbis.
-And-- So... -[audience laughing]
Shalom, shalom. Any Jewish? Shalom.
And then, you know, then they ended it all with a Muslim Imam.
Okay, this guy was great.
The Imam was great, but it was all in Arabic.
Okay, I didn't know what he was saying.
But I had a lot of Muslim friends. My habibis.
-[scattered cheers] -Okay, my-- Yes. My--
Dude, my-- I swear, one of my friends, all four years of college,
we used to call him Justin Habieber.
-This kid... -[audience laughing]
...dude, the Habiebs, amazing.
He was telling me what he was saying.
It was all beautiful, the Imam, but it was in Arabic.
You know? [imitating Imam speaking Arabic]
...Macaulay Culkin.
Home Alone, Macaulay... [imitating Imam speaking Arabic]
-[continues speaking gibberish] -[laughter]
And it was getting tense, right? 'Cause, you know?
You could feel the tension, all those, like, uppity white people
that make believe they're so diverse?
As soon as they heard Arabic, they were like, "Call the FBI!"
[audience laughing]
And, you know, my father, he hates tension.
And my dad's at every event in my life, but he's in the last row.
My parents are divorced, so he's in the last row.
My dad always by himself, just hangin'.
And, you know, "Allah!"
You could hear it going higher and higher and higher,
and the tension is at a fever pitch.
And at the last, "Allah," my dad yelled out
from the last row, "Hakuna Matata!"
[audience laughing]
[chuckles] A line from The Lion King.
First of all, every single person in that room
turned around to see who said that, except me.
I knew exactly who said that.
I knew it was my father hysterical-laughing,
high-fiving nobody...
[audience laughing]
...as my mother called the police.
Then, he waited for the tension to die down again,
and he yelled, "It means no worries!"
[laughter]
And everybody loved it.
All-- My Muslim friends were dying laughing, they loved it.
Justin Habieber came up to me and said, "Bro, your dad is the man.
"Thank you so much for this.
"We really apprec-- We do have to behead him, obviously,
"but, you know.
It's not us. It's the Quran."
I was like, "Bro, I'm Chrissy Quran. You don't think I know?"
-[audience member] Woo! -There she is again.
[laughter]
There she is. [chuckles]
Do you even know where you are?
[laughter]
I love you, lady. What's your name?
Something like Stephanie or...
-[audience member] Brittany. -Brittany?!
[laughter and applause]
Let me tell you something, Brittany, you need a conservatorship.
-You... -[audience laughing]
Brittany, the only name worse than Stephanie
was your name.
Brittany!
Oh, my God, Brittany.
[chuckles] You're the husband?
Oh, that sucks!
-[laughter and applause] -[laughing] Boyfriend?
She's like, "I'm cheating on my husband with him!
His name's Kevin. He's a firefighter!"
Right, is your name Kevin? What's your name?
[both] Mitch!
-[Chris] Mitch? -Yeah.
Oh, alright. That's stupid.
[audience laughing]
How 'bout this?
You wanna hear about the time my father
made me make-believe I had special needs
to get better tickets to the Yankee game?
I'll tell you that. I'll tell you that. This is a coach story for you.
So... [chuckles]
So, here's the thing. Here's the truth, right?
Like I said, my father-- What do I say?
Right intentions, wrong moves.
So, again, the-- if the intention is there, I'm with it.
I had a great childhood, okay? I real-- 'Cause I was a bad kid.
Make no mistake. I was a bad kid, alright?
I had ADHD, but, you know, real ADHD.
Not like now where everyone's just diagnosed.
I had for-real-- I was on Ritalin.
Okay, not the shit you microdose outside-- Not your Ritalin.
I was on real government-issued--
She's like, "I mix it with a little white Zinfandel."
-I-- -[audience laughing]
-I was on real Ritty. -[Brittany] Wow!
And I had to be controlled. I was an uncontrollable child.
And my mother's a smart lady, right?
She knew the two things that I loved the most
were sporting events and hanging out with my dad.
And she came up with a little system, right?
'Cause I was bad. I used to push air conditioners
out the window, you know?
Bite the dog. I'd pee in her houseplants.
Like, I was just a savage little child, like, just an idiot.
And my mother came up with this system.
If I got enough check marks throughout the month,
she would allow me to go to a game with my dad.
I didn't have to get 100%.
You know, I could push one air conditioner out a window, you know?
I could bite a stray cat, something.
[chuckles] But as long as I got-- And she would, she'd let me go.
And so, one day, good enough,
she was allowing me to go to a baseball game.
She said, "Honey, listen, you can go to the game,
"but you have to leave in the third inning.
"Okay, I need you in this house by 9 p.m.,
"no questions asked. It is a school night.
"I need you in this house by 9 p.m.
You leave in the third inning." I said, "Mom, 100%.
"Just, you gotta tell Dad 'cause I'm not listening.
"I real-- I got too much going on in my brain.
"I-I mean, I'm waiting for you to go to the next room
"so I can take a dump in the laundry.
"So, just know that that's all...
You got a fresh load there, and I'm a bad kid."
[laughter]
So, with that, my dad rings the bell.
I come down the stairs backwards like I'm in The Exorcist.
I am ready to go.
[laughter]
Right away, my mother opens the door, and she is right there.
She's like, [high-strung] "Tony, listen to me.
"You can go to the game with him, but you have to leave in the third inning.
"I need him back in this house by 9 p.m. It is a school night.
"It is very important he is back in this house, okay?
"And another thing, do not give him any soda, please, or any sugar.
"Every time you give him soda, I cannot control him.
"It is hard enough to deal with him as is.
When you give him soda, he's off the walls."
He's like, [gruff] "100%, no soda.
[audience laughing]
No soda."
[normal] And then he winked at me in front of her.
He was like...
[audience laughing]
I'm pretty sure she can see you.
And he goes, [gruff] "I got it. No soda."
She's like, [high-strung] "9 o'clock!"
He's like, [gruff] "I got it."
[normal] So, we leave, right? Go up the block.
We turn the corner, my mother can't see us anymore.
My dad had a duffel bag.
He drops it on the floor.
He goes, [gruff] "Unzip that."
[normal] I unzip it. Five Mountain Dews.
-[audience laughing] -Yep.
The crystal meth crack-cocaine of sodas.
My dad's got five tall boys right there.
He goes, [gruff] "Happy birthday."
[normal] I was like, "My birthday's not for another five months."
He was like, [gruff] "Yeah, I know,"
[normal] but I knew he didn't know.
So, I'm just guzzling these things.
I had five Mountain Dews, tall boys, to the head.
By the time we walked into that stadium,
I was wrecked, okay?
No shirt on. I had taken my shirt off on the train.
I was dripping sweat. My eyes were bugged out.
I felt like Hunter Biden, just...
[audience laughing]
I felt like HB, baby.
[people cheering and clapping]
Hey, I was nuts. Cracked out.
So...
So, we get to our seats. They're in the upper, upper deck, right?
I mean, I don't care, I just wanna be in the building with my father.
And my dad's characters are up there. His boys, right?
He's got Bobby Pets, is up there.
He was like an old-old-school Brooklyn guy,
he used to smuggle animals into the neighborhood.
He had, like, a penguin, he had a koala bear.
He-- I swear, he would just get them off the backs of trucks.
This game, he smuggled in a live ferret.
He had a live ferret in the game. [laughs]
And he had trained it to bite opposing teams' fans,
to bite an ankle, and he'd be like,
[Brooklyn accent] "Ah, New York City rats, what can ya do?
Maybe go back to where you came from!"
[normal] So, Charlene, he had his friend Charlene there.
This lady was just, you know, 65 years old,
never wore a bra, just saggiest boobs you ever--
It's like the first boob I ever saw.
Like, to the point where, like, her boobs were so low,
like, I just thought girls' nipples were on their kneecaps.
-[audience laughing] -I had never seen anything else--
When I, when I got older, a girl was-- We were making out,
she's like, "You wanna suck my tits?" I was like, "Take off your pants.
[audience laughing]
Let me see those 'kneeples.'"
-And-- -[laughter]
[chuckles] And... she would just chain-smoke.
[raspy voice] "Christopher, you can touch my breasts. I can't feel it."
-And-- -[audience laughing]
[normal] She's Brittany in 30 years.
-And-- -[audience laughing]
-That's, that's what it is. -[cheering and applause]
[raspy voice] "Yes."
[normal] So...
So, we're having fun, right?
And I'm sitting there, enjoying myself, drinking Mountain Dews, eating hot dogs
because my mother would never let me have that.
Nitrates? No way.
But my dad, there are no rules.
I was just throwing 'em back like a pelican.
No, no gag reflex. Ahh!
You know, just... [babbles] eating it, loving it, right?
Having the time of my life.
But then, the third inning comes, okay?
And listen, I'm a mama's boy.
I listen to her. So, I knew it was time, right?
So, I get up, put my shirt back on,
taking the hot dogs outta my mouth,
slowly taking my hand off Charlene's boob.
[laughter]
And I get up, and my dad's like, [gruff] "What are you doing?"
[normal] I was like, "Oh, oh, it's the third inning.
Mom says we gotta leave."
He was like, [gruff] "She don't make the rules. I do."
[normal] I was like, "Um, the judge says she does.
[audience laughing]
"I was there in court when the judge said,
'You're a convicted felon, and she makes the rules.'"
[laughter]
He was like, [gruff] "Sit down. We ain't going nowhere."
[normal] Because here's the thing. If you know--
I know you know baseball, Coach. If you know baseball, you know.
But if you don't know baseball, a no-hitter
is, like, the rarest thing to happen in the game.
It almost never happens.
It's even more rare you would be at an active no-hitter
watching this thing live.
Well, this was May 1996, 'kay? Yankee Stadium.
New York Yankees versus the Seattle Mariners.
It was Doc Gooden, Dwight Gooden's historic no-hitter.
If you don't know the game, go home, Google it, you'll see me in the crowd.
It was a night that was gonna go down in history, okay?
But history hadn't been made yet.
It was the third inning of a nine-inning baseball game,
but my dad knew.
My dad's like, [gruff] "Chrissy, I feel something.
I feel something big's gonna happen."
[normal] I was like, "I feel something too.
"I think it's my organs shutting down from the soda. I--
I think we, we over Dew-ed it."
Because my mom said 9 o'clock, okay?
It was already, like, 8:30,
so we had to leave right then and there to get home on time.
But my dad goes, "Listen, as soon as the other team
"gets a hit, Chrissy, we're outta here.
"We're outta here, I'll go home, I'll explain everything.
Don't worry about it. Just have fun."
I was like, "Okay, great." So, y-you know, I don't care.
Whatever, I'm 12 years old.
Each inning is going by.
No hits, no hits, sodas, hot dogs, having fun.
By the time the seventh inning comes, it is pandemonium in that stadium.
Every single person knows we are this close to history.
I was, I was motorboating Charlene.
-I-- -[audience laughing]
I was throwing her boobs over my shoulder
like a continental soldier.
-[chuckles] -[audience laughing]
I couldn't believe it.
Okay, it was also 10:30 at night.
So, we're an hour and a half late.
So, but who cares, right?
It doesn't matter. The wheels have fallen off.
There's no cell phones. It's 1996.
So, my dad goes, [gruff] "We gotta get you better seats, Chrissy, right?"
He's like, "Why do-- You can't watch the game up here with these idiots.
Let's go get better seats."
[normal] I was like, "Yeah. Let-- Yes, whatever you wanna do.
You tell me what to do, I'll follow you anywhere."
He goes, "Just do what I tell you to do." I was like, "Alright."
So, I thought he's gonna tell me what we're gonna do
as we're walking down there, but he didn't.
Didn't say that at all.
And maybe he did, but I was, I was on too much Dew, so.
-[audience laughing] -I was Dew-ed out.
I needed, like, Narcan at that point, so.
-[audience laughing] -[Chris chuckles]
So, we get down behind home plate, right?
And my dad sees two empty seats right behind home plate.
These are big-money seats, like $500 seats.
So, there's a security guard there guarding the seats, obviously.
And so, my dad goes up to the guard, he goes,
[gruff voice] "Hey, can me and my son sit in those seats?
I mean, Doc Gooden's gonna pitch a no-hitter."
[normal] He goes, "No, you need tickets."
My dad's like, "Come on, let-let us just sit in the seats."
He goes, "Either show me the tickets, or go back to your seats,
"or get escorted out the stadium.
You are not sitting in those seats."
And my dad looks at me, he goes, [gruff] "You ready?"
[normal] I was like, "Okay.
You did-- You forgot to tell me what to do, but whatever."
He says, "So, you're not gonna let us in?" And the guy goes, "Absolutely not."
He was like, "Ah, alright. You know, it's just unfortunate
because my son has special needs."
And that was the first time I was hearing that, you know? I--
-[audience laughing] -I'm a kid, I, I was like,
"Uh, do I? What?
I don't? I don't, right? This is a bit?"
He goes, "My son has special needs."
And then, the security guard, who had just emphatically said no,
for the first time, looks at me and he goes,
"Oh, k-- Yes, sir, I am so sorry.
"You should have told me. I apologize.
You two can sit wherever you like. Have fun, little buddy."
So now, we're walking down the stairs to these seats,
and I'm thinking, "Am I retarded?"
[laughter and applause]
I was in shock. I had my mouth open.
My dad's like, [gruff] "The drool, that's good!
Sell it with the drool, Chrissy!"
[laughter and clapping]
Whoa!
We're walking, we finally sit in the seats.
It's the eighth inning, it's 11 o'clock.
There's all big celebrities there. It's New York City.
Out of the corner of my eye,
I see WWF Hall of Fame wrestler Mr. Perfect.
I knew it was him. I could see his scungilli blonde hair.
[laughter]
His steroid back pimples. I coulda popped one.
[audience laughing]
-Just... -[laughter]
So close.
And my dad doesn't know wrestling.
I said, "Dad, Dad, that's Mr. Perfect."
He was like, [gruff] "Who's that, your mother's new boyfriend?"
-[audience laughing] -[normal] I was like, get over it.
I was like, "Can I have his autograph?"
He was like, [gruff] "No problem."
He was like, "Hey, Perfect!
My son's a big fan. You think he can get an autograph?"
[normal] Mr. Perfect goes, "No, I'm watching the game."
Fair. I thought, thought that was it.
My dad waits a beat and he goes,
[gruff] "You know, it's just unfortunate
because my son has special needs."
[scattered applause]
[normal] Mr. Perfect turns around, looks at me, and he goes,
"Kid, I-I'm noticing it now. I am so sorry, sir.
"You should have told me. I apologize.
Gimme your ticket, I'll sign whatever you want."
I swear to God, I still have it.
He wrote, "Mr. Perfect. It's all gonna be okay."
[cheering and applause]
-Just-- -[cheering continues]
I have the ticket. I'll sell it. I'll sell it to you, sir.
[laughter]
Ninth inning comes, no-hitter.
It's crazy. It's 11:45 at night, okay?
We are so late, it's insane.
But the stadium goes crazy, nuts.
It was, like, an unbelievable event to be at.
And I think, well, that was fun.
My father's gonna take us to the taxi stand,
we're gonna rush home and he'll talk to my mom.
No.
-Takes me to a bar across the street. -[audience laughing]
The whole stadium was filing into this bar across the street.
We walk in there, all his friends are in there.
They let me go up on the bar top.
I was drinking Mountain Dew out of the soda gun, okay?
I was annihilated.
Charlene boofed the ferret. It was...
Boofed it, fully, at some point. Boop!
[audience laughing]
And...
[audience laughing]
[chuckles] And so, and so...
You ready for this?
We're walking down my mother's block,
4:30 in the morning, on a school night!
4:30 in the morning!
My dad goes, "Chrissy, did you have a good time tonight?"
I said, "Dad, let me tell you something right now.
That was the best night of my fuckin' life, okay?"
I said, "Charlene boofed a ferret.
I-- Unbelievable! I'm high!"
And he goes, [gruff] "Chrissy, me too. 100%, me too."
He was like, "Now, here's the thing, okay?"
He was like, "First of all, what do I tell you
"is the number-one rule of life above all other rules of life?
What is number one?"
[normal] I was like, "Don't be a rat."
He's like, [gruff] "Exactly. That's my boy!
"Do not be a rat.
"Because your mother's gonna ask you, did we leave in the third inning?
"You're gonna say, 'Yes, Mom, we left in the third inning.
"'There were train delays. What am I, an asshole?'
And she'll believe you, okay? She always believes me."
[normal] I was like, "No, she never believes you,
and I'm typically not allowed to curse in front of my mom."
He was like, [gruff] "Just do it, it's fine."
[normal] Said, "Okay, whatever you want, Dad."
So, my father walks me up the stairs to my mother's house,
rings her bell, runs away.
-[audience laughing] -Just runs away!
Left a 12-year-old retarded boy cold and alone.
[laughter and applause]
Just, I'm just like...
[laughter]
My mother opens the door.
She's like, [outraged] "Where is your father?"
[normal] I was like, "I haven't seen him."
[audience laughing]
She was like, [outraged] "Where were you?"
[normal] I was like, "We left in the third inning.
There were train delays. What am I, an asshole?"
[laughter]
And I hear my father go, "That's my boy!"
Guys, thank you so much, man.
-I appreciate it. -[cheering and applause]
I know it was hot. You guys did great.
Jesus loves you, never forget that.
Jesus loves you. Thank you so much.
Give it up for James Mattern, yourselves.
Thank you, guys. Get home safe.
Brittany, it was nice knowing ya.
Bye-bye, thank you.
-[cheering and applause] -[♪ "Dancing To My Own Beat" playing]
♪ See me dancing down the avenue, there ain't nothing that...♪
[crew member] Some good B-roll we're getting talking about--
Look at this. This is what the special is.
-[crew member] Was it good, baby? -[Chris] I stayed on that fuckin' carpet.
-You stayed on the carpet. -[Chris] I stayed on that carpet.
Please talk about the carpet the whole time.
-You asshole. -Yeah, I will. I'll do it.
Know what it is, it's chaos.
-It's chaos. -Yeah, it's great.
I told them 'cause they got video of-of Sal falling...
-Did they? -...I was like, if Hulu doesn't want it,
-I want it for my own personal... -Sal. [smacks kiss]
[cheering and applause]
Oh! Oh! Boo!
[cheering and applause]
Chris Distefano's No-Hitter!
Berkowitz was saying, what about calling the special Good Bunny?
-[crew member] It's very good. -I don't hate it.
No-Hitter is actually not a bad name.
I'm saying, no one has had that format of a name, you know?
Chris Distefano's No-Hitter. [laughing]
What if we call it Special Needs?
[laughter]
Chris Distefano's No-Hitter, presented by Hulu.
-[crew member] I like Mr. Perfect. -You like Mr. Perfect?
[crew member] I like Words Louder Than Actions.
I like that too, it's just too wordy.
Good Bunny I think is interesting just because--
but then it's like you have to know it correlates to Bad Bunny.
-It's a lot. -[crew member] It steps on the joke, too.
Yeah. I should call it,
"I prematurely sold my house in Staten Island."
[laughter]
I should call it, "Please give me back my house in Staten Island."
I'm gonna call it, "The mortgage rate is too high and I fucked up."
Hey, how are you?
♪ Beat, dancing to my own ♪
♪ Dancing to my own beat ♪
♪ Dancing to my own ♪
♪ Dancing to my own beat ♪
♪ Dancing to my own ♪