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[announcer]
You know him from Chrissy Chaos!
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[cheering and applause]
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You might know him from
Hey Babe!
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He is Chris Distefano!
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[cheering and applause]
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[♪ "Dancing To My Own Beat" by
Moa Munoz and Ryan T. Short playing]
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♪ See me dancing down the avenue ♪
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[Chris Distefano]
Yes!
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Hello!
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Tarrytown, Westchester, woo!
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-[audience cheering]
-Yeah, baby!
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-Property taxes!
-[laughter]
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Love Tarrytown Music Hall.
This place is haunted.
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Sit in your seat, sir.
You sit down.
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Yeah, just go 'head.
Go sit down, buddy.
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I like it, we let the migrants in. Um...
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-[laughter]
-I'm kidding, I'm just joking.
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Not in Westchester, motherfucker!
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Right? Woo!
I'm kidding. I'm just joking.
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This special, I'm gonna talk
about what I talked about
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in the beginning of the last special.
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It's over for white people.
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-[audience laughing]
-Alright? I mean,
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let's be honest.
We had a nice run, though.
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-We really did.
-[laughter]
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The whites, we had a nice run,
but, baby, it's over.
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[chuckles] Okay?
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I mean, 2,000 years though,
absolutely dominated.
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-[audience laughing]
-I mean, can we at least admit that?
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People fucked around and found out.
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-[audience laughing]
-But make no mistake, we're done.
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Step on your dumb white head.
Over.
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But you know me, dude,
I knew that it's not okay
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to be white moving into the new year.
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No more white.
It's not okay.
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So, I said I can't--
You know, I'm not-- I-I'm only white.
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I'm only-- I'm never gonna change,
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even though I am--
I would like to transition.
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I don't wanna transition sexually.
I do wanna transition racially.
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[chuckles]
And I said the only way to do that
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is I can't have non-white kids,
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and now I'm proud to say
I have three kids, Puerto Rican.
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-Three Puerto Rican kids.
-[cheering and applause]
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Yes.
Where are my Latinos at?
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[loud cheering and applause]
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Oh, my God.
Security, there's a lot of 'em!
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[laughter]
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-[audience member] Puerto Rico!
-Oh, my God, sir.
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Yeah, you're scaring the whites and--
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I sound like my family.
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[audience laughing]
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Dude.
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So, I have three beautiful
Puerto Rican children
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'cause I knew--
Listen, here's the thing.
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The media,
they said nine years ago,
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they said, "Listen, the Latino minority
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is gonna become the Latino majority."
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I said, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em."
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[audience laughing]
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And I went out nine, 10 years ago,
I found a beautiful Latina woman.
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We had unprotected sex first date,
that's how I roll, and--
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Chrissy Drip-Drop.
[laughs] You know what it is.
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[laughter and clapping]
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We were having sex, she was like, "Papi."
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I was like, "Okay."
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-[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]
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Just let it fly. Direct hit.
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And now we have three
beautiful Puerto Rican kids.
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Their names are
Niña, Pinta, and Santa Maria.
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[laughing]
And they are little explorers.
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-Uh... [chuckles]
-[laughter]
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It's beautiful.
It's a beautiful thing.
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It's really fun to be, like,
the only white guy in your family.
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[chuckles]
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My whole family's--
I love Puerto Rican culture.
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I love the Latino culture.
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-[audience member] Woo!
-Very family-oriented, yes.
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There's always a lot of people
in my house.
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Like, I'll go home tonight, there'll be
10 people in my house I don't know. I--
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They're just out there.
Every day, I'm going to the airport,
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picking up people from San Juan,
we're getting' back.
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[audience laughing]
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Pito's here. We got it!
I love it.
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Did you get to see my Christmas picture?
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It was me
and 90 Puerto Rican people.
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-[audience laughing]
-I look like I was being sacrificed.
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-I--
-[audience laughing]
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[laughs] I, I thought they were
gonna pour adobo on me.
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[laughter]
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Chrissy Chuleta.
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[laughs] But it's a beautiful thing,
dude, to have kids.
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I mean, who has kids out there?
Who has children?
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-[cheering and applause]
-There ya go. There ya go.
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See that? Here's the thing.
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Towns like this,
I feel more normal in here
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'cause people have children, you know?
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'Cause here the-- Here-- The truth is,
I don't have anything in common anymore
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with people that don't have kids.
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And whatever you wanna-- I support you.
Your body, your choice.
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[chuckles]
Whatever you wanna do, you know?
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In New York, you can abort your kid
up 'til its 18th birthday.
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-There aren't--
-[audience laughing]
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Whatever you wanna do.
I love it.
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Whatever, whatever you wanna do.
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But it's just-- it's to the point now
where I have to be honest with you,
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I believe if you have no kids,
you have no problems.
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I don't know what
you're complaining about in your life.
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If you have no children,
go do whatever you wanna do,
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whenever you wanna do it.
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Nobody's stopping you but you.
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I can't do whatever I want.
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Every step I take, I have
three little fuckin' empanadas
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-on my ankle.
-[audience laughing]
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Just being like,
"Papi. Leche."
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-[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]
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She's leaving, she's like,
"Not if he's gonna make fun of milk!"
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[laughter and applause]
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It's hard.
I'm telling you, you know?
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Like, well, first of all, like,
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my oldest daughter
doesn't even speak English.
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It's like, I have issues here.
She won't-- My-- She refuses.
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She's neglecting the white side
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and only honoring abuelita
and the Latina side.
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She just-- Because you know how it i--
'Cause in school, you know the curriculum.
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[emphatic]
"White people suck.
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"Christopher Columbus
gave you AIDS!
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White people are the devil!"
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[laughter]
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[normal]
And I love my daughter, you know?
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And she comes home, I'm like,
"How was your day, baby?"
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She's like, [agitated]
"Oh, fuck you, Dad!
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[audience laughing]
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I just learned about what
you and your people did!"
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[normal] And I have to be like,
"No, love me. Come on.
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You know Bad Bunny.
I'm Good Bunny."
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[laughter and clapping]
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"Conejo Bueno."
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00:05:44,677 --> 00:05:46,637
-[audience laughing]
-[Chris chuckles]
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I know.
I don't even know why people with no kids,
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like, when they complain,
it's like the algorithm
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and the media has made you
think you're sick.
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You have, like, a mental health issue.
You don't.
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Like, I was talking
to a girl the other day.
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She was like, [frantic]
"I am just paralyzed.
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"I don't know what to do.
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Should I break up
with my boyfriend?"
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[normal] I was like, "Um, I-I don't know.
Do you guys have kids?"
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"No."
Kill him!
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[audience laughing]
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That's what I would do if I were you.
I'd kill your boyfriend, lady.
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Who cares? The police?
They don't give a shit.
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[laughter]
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You're making it up.
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You don't have any...
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You know, another thing, too.
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Please, if-- You know,
if you don't have kids,
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please don't burden parents
with your problems.
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It's like, I can't also now
figure out your life, too.
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Alright? My family
doesn't even speak English.
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Like I-- You know?
That's a safety issue.
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I can't... [chuckles]
I can't now also--
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I got a friend, he'll leave me,
like, nine-minute voice memos.
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[nerdy voice] "Chris, can I talk to you
for a second about my mental health?
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"I'm feeling, like, alone, and people
are not really respecting me at work.
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"And, you know, I used to do comedy,
and now I opened up a sandwich shop,
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"and it's just really getting difficult
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for me to just figure
out my place in this."
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[normal] I'm like, "Dude, my kids
are sticking their feet
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00:07:02,547 --> 00:07:04,257
in the Nutribullet. What the..."
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00:07:04,340 --> 00:07:06,175
[audience laughing]
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"Figure it out!"
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You know what I'm talking about.
People with ki--
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I can't come off the carpet, by the way.
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They told me if I co--
So, just know, I'm coming right to here.
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-[audience laughing]
-I cannot come off this carpet.
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They told me, "You better not!"
But I'll come right here.
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00:07:20,565 --> 00:07:23,401
Why are you dressed-- Uh, you--
Why are you wearing your coaching outfit?
178
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What is SJB Football?
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[audience member]
It's just, uh, where I used to coach.
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Yes, but why are you wearing it,
like, tucked into your pants
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on a Sunday night, dude?
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00:07:32,201 --> 00:07:34,829
-[laughter and clapping]
-You're not on the field!
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She's like, "I am not fucking you tonight.
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-"No, not unless... [chuckles]
-[audience laughing]
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00:07:40,585 --> 00:07:42,253
Get a whistle."
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00:07:42,336 --> 00:07:43,921
[laughter]
187
00:07:44,672 --> 00:07:45,923
Alright, good for you.
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The world is tough right now.
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The media,
they do a number on people.
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00:07:51,846 --> 00:07:53,222
They make everyone
think they're sick.
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00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:56,476
The world now is about,
words speak louder than actions.
192
00:07:56,559 --> 00:07:58,227
It's not actions speak louder than words.
193
00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:00,188
Now, it's words speak louder than actions.
194
00:08:00,271 --> 00:08:03,107
And that's a to--
That's a slippery slope kind of world.
195
00:08:03,191 --> 00:08:04,484
You gotta walk on eggshells.
196
00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:06,235
That's tough.
But it's the news.
197
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:08,821
People get sucked into the news.
Parents, I don't.
198
00:08:08,905 --> 00:08:10,364
I'm not watching the news.
How?
199
00:08:10,448 --> 00:08:12,992
I'm in fourth place in my own life.
200
00:08:13,075 --> 00:08:15,036
-Like, what am I doing?
-[audience laughing]
201
00:08:15,119 --> 00:08:17,205
I can't. I cannot do it.
202
00:08:17,288 --> 00:08:19,665
And I got a friend,
he's a social justice warrior.
203
00:08:19,749 --> 00:08:21,751
That's good. That's fun.
204
00:08:21,834 --> 00:08:23,252
And he's just, you know,
he's always mad at me.
205
00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:24,962
He's like,
[high-strung] "Chris!
206
00:08:25,046 --> 00:08:29,217
"Are you using your platform
to make a difference?
207
00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:30,301
[laughter]
208
00:08:30,384 --> 00:08:33,930
"You have to ask yourself
every single day,
209
00:08:34,013 --> 00:08:37,600
"are you using your platform
to make a difference?
210
00:08:37,683 --> 00:08:40,228
Are you watching the news?"
211
00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:43,189
[normal]
I'm like, "No, you stupid asshole."
212
00:08:43,272 --> 00:08:44,273
[audience laughing]
213
00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:48,694
[laughs] I'm not watching the news.
I have three kids.
214
00:08:48,778 --> 00:08:51,906
I'm watching Cocomelon
with a fucking gun in my mouth.
215
00:08:51,989 --> 00:08:53,991
[laughter and applause]
216
00:08:58,246 --> 00:09:00,915
All day, every day.
217
00:09:00,998 --> 00:09:03,000
They sing songs
about the solar system.
218
00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:06,546
I push the gun further
and further back.
219
00:09:07,713 --> 00:09:10,758
I'm gonna blow my head off
in front of my family.
220
00:09:10,841 --> 00:09:12,260
[laughter]
221
00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:16,889
And Pinta's gonna go,
"Ay, Dios mío. Ay!"
222
00:09:18,933 --> 00:09:21,852
It's hard.
You know, I don't know, I have no--
223
00:09:21,936 --> 00:09:25,314
You know, parents, like, they--
O-Our life is about the kids, I don't--
224
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:29,110
Movies, TV shows, I have no idea.
I have no idea what's going on.
225
00:09:29,193 --> 00:09:31,779
I watch what the children
wanna watch, right?
226
00:09:31,862 --> 00:09:33,948
That's what parents--
Whatever the kids wanna do
227
00:09:34,031 --> 00:09:35,533
and watch, that's what I watch.
228
00:09:35,616 --> 00:09:37,159
Then, what happens?
Parents know.
229
00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:39,745
Watch whatever they wanna watch,
they fall asleep,
230
00:09:39,829 --> 00:09:42,331
I put them in bed,
I come back downstairs,
231
00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:45,710
and I just continue watching
whatever they were watching
232
00:09:45,793 --> 00:09:47,920
'cause I am violently depressed, alright?
233
00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:51,090
I mean, the lights are on,
but nobody's home.
234
00:09:51,173 --> 00:09:54,885
[chuckles]
I have quiet quit.
235
00:09:54,969 --> 00:09:57,054
It's-- Ya know?
236
00:09:57,138 --> 00:09:59,223
The next thing you know,
I'm sitting there by myself.
237
00:09:59,307 --> 00:10:02,268
It's 3:30 in the morning,
snap into consciousness,
238
00:10:02,351 --> 00:10:04,353
and I just start jerking off
to The Little Mermaid.
239
00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:05,563
-[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]
240
00:10:05,646 --> 00:10:07,315
That's what it is.
241
00:10:07,398 --> 00:10:11,319
Just holding it,
waiting for Ursula to come on
242
00:10:11,402 --> 00:10:13,738
-'cause I know she's over 18, and--
-[audience laughing]
243
00:10:13,821 --> 00:10:16,240
Right?
We got the same haircut.
244
00:10:16,324 --> 00:10:18,284
-Get--
-[audience laughing]
245
00:10:18,367 --> 00:10:20,161
Gettin' a little squid cleavage.
246
00:10:20,244 --> 00:10:21,370
[laughter]
247
00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:22,830
I'm waiting for my part.
248
00:10:22,913 --> 00:10:25,875
[sings]
♪ Poor unfortunate souls ♪
249
00:10:27,376 --> 00:10:30,504
Then a little cum.
Just a teardrop of cum.
250
00:10:30,588 --> 00:10:32,298
Just a drop.
Nobody's shooting ropes.
251
00:10:32,381 --> 00:10:34,050
I haven't shot a rope in 10 years
252
00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:36,260
'cause I got a swollen prostate
I can't get looked at
253
00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:38,638
'cause the kids have fuckin' soccer,
so that's...
254
00:10:38,721 --> 00:10:39,805
[laughter and clapping]
255
00:10:39,889 --> 00:10:41,307
Right?
You know what I'm talkin' about, dude.
256
00:10:41,390 --> 00:10:43,017
You ever have a swollen nut?
257
00:10:43,100 --> 00:10:45,019
It's just hard-- It's just different.
258
00:10:45,102 --> 00:10:46,520
You know, we're living
in a different world.
259
00:10:46,604 --> 00:10:49,065
I said the words
speak louder than actions.
260
00:10:49,148 --> 00:10:51,025
And people now will just say
whatever they want
261
00:10:51,108 --> 00:10:52,610
to, like, excuse bad behavior.
262
00:10:52,693 --> 00:10:53,694
Everyone, you know?
263
00:10:53,778 --> 00:10:55,780
[snide voice] "It's a safe space,
everyone gets away with everything,"
264
00:10:55,863 --> 00:10:56,864
[normal] and it's ridiculous.
265
00:10:56,947 --> 00:10:59,659
Everybody wants to be a part
of everything now, too.
266
00:10:59,742 --> 00:11:01,327
Have you noticed it?
Like, everybody just want--
267
00:11:01,410 --> 00:11:03,954
Like, everybody says
they're on the spectrum now.
268
00:11:04,038 --> 00:11:07,041
Everybody's just on the spectrum.
I'm like, what?
269
00:11:07,124 --> 00:11:08,250
Really, you're on the spectrum?
270
00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:10,711
You better have a helmet on
and be fuckin' biting me.
271
00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:12,296
[audience laughing]
272
00:11:12,380 --> 00:11:14,507
[chuckles] Okay?
Every time we hang out,
273
00:11:14,590 --> 00:11:17,760
I wanna get a tetanus shot
'cause you're outta your mind!
274
00:11:17,843 --> 00:11:21,389
You're on the spectrum, shut up.
No, you're not, dude.
275
00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:23,265
You're not on the spectrum,
you're just 46 years old,
276
00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:26,894
you still think wrestling's real.
That's all, ya know?
277
00:11:26,977 --> 00:11:29,188
-You might be on the spectrum, sir. If--
-[audience laughing]
278
00:11:29,271 --> 00:11:32,692
Listen, this joke--
[chuckling] Everybody but you.
279
00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:34,110
[laughter]
280
00:11:34,193 --> 00:11:37,405
It's nuts. But, right?
This is the world.
281
00:11:37,488 --> 00:11:40,032
You know as a coach.
I mean, it's hard to coach--
282
00:11:40,116 --> 00:11:41,826
No, it's hard to coach the kids.
283
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:43,327
[audience laughing]
284
00:11:43,411 --> 00:11:45,121
Like, look, man, you know,
like, you gotta--
285
00:11:45,204 --> 00:11:47,748
It's, it's a slippery slope,
you, you know?
286
00:11:47,832 --> 00:11:50,334
People are just-- they're getting
sucked into the algorithm.
287
00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:52,545
You know, they're getting
sucked into the media.
288
00:11:52,628 --> 00:11:54,880
They got no kids,
they got nothing going on.
289
00:11:54,964 --> 00:11:56,340
And you piss people off.
290
00:11:56,424 --> 00:11:59,260
People are fighting, like,
this invisible, like, politics war
291
00:11:59,343 --> 00:12:00,970
that doesn't even exist.
292
00:12:01,053 --> 00:12:02,513
Like, you're safe here,
and people are like,
293
00:12:02,596 --> 00:12:04,640
[frantic]
"No, I'm angry all the time!"
294
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:05,808
[normal]
And you walk into it.
295
00:12:05,891 --> 00:12:09,145
Dude, I triggered somebody
the other day with a coffee order.
296
00:12:09,228 --> 00:12:11,397
Could you imagine?
All I did was order a coffee.
297
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,524
This person snapped!
298
00:12:13,607 --> 00:12:15,568
'Cause I used what they thought
was the wrong word.
299
00:12:15,651 --> 00:12:17,278
It was nuts.
Listen, I get it.
300
00:12:17,361 --> 00:12:19,822
I don't have a safe white look.
301
00:12:19,905 --> 00:12:22,408
I get that this isn't--
I got January 6th look.
302
00:12:22,491 --> 00:12:23,784
-[audience laughing]
-I get it.
303
00:12:23,868 --> 00:12:26,203
-This is J6L.
-[laughter and clapping]
304
00:12:27,329 --> 00:12:28,497
It's a cologne I'm selling.
305
00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:31,375
By Trump, and-- [laughs]
306
00:12:32,042 --> 00:12:34,086
Dude, there's sweat in my eyes.
It's nuts!
307
00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:36,130
-[audience laughing]
-But I don't care.
308
00:12:36,213 --> 00:12:39,300
I'm gonna just do it
'til I'm fuckin' blind.
309
00:12:39,383 --> 00:12:40,593
Put me in, Coach!
310
00:12:40,676 --> 00:12:41,719
[audience laughing]
311
00:12:41,802 --> 00:12:43,888
Can you please untuck
your shirt at least, please?
312
00:12:43,971 --> 00:12:45,598
Thank you.
Jesus fuckin' Christ.
313
00:12:45,681 --> 00:12:48,851
This guy's-- Yeah, pull it out!
There it is.
314
00:12:48,934 --> 00:12:51,228
-[cheering and applause]
-I wanted to see his--
315
00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:52,938
There it is, folks.
316
00:12:54,023 --> 00:12:56,025
[Chris laughing]
317
00:12:57,860 --> 00:13:00,613
'Kay. Alright.
318
00:13:00,696 --> 00:13:02,531
No.
319
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:05,659
So, yeah, dude, I triggered
somebody with a coffee order.
320
00:13:05,743 --> 00:13:08,579
Could you imagine,
something as benign as that?
321
00:13:08,662 --> 00:13:10,039
I walk in, you know, a new coffee shop.
322
00:13:10,122 --> 00:13:12,708
The barista was there,
very woke, you know?
323
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:13,793
[laughter]
324
00:13:13,876 --> 00:13:15,503
Blue hair, don't care.
325
00:13:15,586 --> 00:13:17,129
[audience laughing]
326
00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:19,590
Her name was Annie Antifa.
327
00:13:19,673 --> 00:13:22,676
And she was just ready to go!
328
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:25,930
Just angry!
[laughs] "I'm just mad!"
329
00:13:27,223 --> 00:13:30,684
And so, you know,
I walked in and I order my coffee
330
00:13:30,768 --> 00:13:32,686
the same way I order it all the time.
331
00:13:32,770 --> 00:13:33,938
I was like, "Hey, how are ya?"
332
00:13:34,021 --> 00:13:37,483
I was like, "Can I have a small
iced coffee, black?"
333
00:13:37,566 --> 00:13:39,860
She was like, [exasperated] "What?
334
00:13:41,028 --> 00:13:44,406
Oh, my--
What did you just say to me?!"
335
00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:50,496
[normal] I was like, "Um, c-can I have
a small iced coffee, black?"
336
00:13:50,579 --> 00:13:52,665
She was like,
[exasperated] "Do you mean
337
00:13:52,748 --> 00:13:54,041
"a small iced coffee
338
00:13:54,124 --> 00:13:56,085
with no cream?!"
339
00:13:56,168 --> 00:14:00,506
[normal] I was like,
"Um, isn't that the same-sicles as...
340
00:14:00,589 --> 00:14:02,216
[audience laughing]
341
00:14:02,299 --> 00:14:06,178
...a small iced coffee, black?"
342
00:14:06,262 --> 00:14:08,430
She was like, [exasperated] "After what
the African American community
343
00:14:08,514 --> 00:14:10,182
"has been through the last three years,
344
00:14:10,266 --> 00:14:13,811
"I think you, especially you,
could do a better job
345
00:14:13,894 --> 00:14:15,896
ordering your coffee!"
346
00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:19,483
[normal] And I was like,
"Lady... sir...
347
00:14:19,900 --> 00:14:21,652
-uh..."
-[audience laughing]
348
00:14:21,735 --> 00:14:24,488
[cheering and applause]
349
00:14:27,157 --> 00:14:31,245
I said, "Listen to me!"
350
00:14:31,328 --> 00:14:35,040
I said, "I don't have the time or energy
351
00:14:35,124 --> 00:14:37,626
"to try to figure out
the politically correct way
352
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,879
"you want me to order a coffee, alright?
353
00:14:39,962 --> 00:14:42,715
"I'm watching Encanto
to try to talk to my children.
354
00:14:42,798 --> 00:14:44,133
[audience laughing]
355
00:14:44,216 --> 00:14:45,301
"So...
[chuckles]
356
00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:51,765
"So... just do me a favor, please,
357
00:14:51,849 --> 00:14:57,396
and give me
my cafe negro pequeño right now."
358
00:14:57,479 --> 00:14:59,648
[cheering and applause]
359
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:03,402
"Give it to me,
before I talk about Bruno."
360
00:15:03,777 --> 00:15:05,821
[audience laughing]
361
00:15:08,449 --> 00:15:13,162
You know, she probably went home,
talked to her cats, you know?
362
00:15:13,245 --> 00:15:16,415
[exasperated]
"I was verbally assaulted at work today!
363
00:15:16,498 --> 00:15:20,586
Toxic masculinity!
I'm gonna kill myself!"
364
00:15:20,669 --> 00:15:22,338
[audience laughing]
365
00:15:22,421 --> 00:15:24,173
Do it. Uh, like...
366
00:15:24,256 --> 00:15:25,257
[laughter]
367
00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:27,843
actions, baby.
Just don't tweet about it.
368
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,720
I don't need to see it live-streamed.
369
00:15:29,803 --> 00:15:31,680
[audience laughing]
370
00:15:32,139 --> 00:15:33,307
[Chris chuckles]
371
00:15:35,142 --> 00:15:38,020
Listen, you know, the people,
you know, parents in the room
372
00:15:38,103 --> 00:15:40,022
know it's hard with kids, you know,
especially, you know,
373
00:15:40,105 --> 00:15:43,817
my Latina women out there,
you like old-school guys, right?
374
00:15:43,901 --> 00:15:46,528
That's what it is.
It's all old-school kinda thing, you know?
375
00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:49,114
Like, they-- So, like, my--
You know, she-- My girl, she wants a guy
376
00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:51,909
who knows how to build stuff.
Like, that's-- We're build--
377
00:15:51,992 --> 00:15:55,162
I don't know how to build anything.
I can build walls emotionally. I--
378
00:15:55,245 --> 00:15:56,580
-[audience laughing]
-I'm good at that.
379
00:15:56,664 --> 00:15:57,873
You want a wall up?
380
00:15:57,957 --> 00:15:59,959
I'll do that.
You cannot get in.
381
00:16:00,042 --> 00:16:02,086
It's like, no, I have no idea
how to build anything.
382
00:16:02,169 --> 00:16:04,713
I wear fucking Lululemon.
Like, I don't...
383
00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:05,839
[audience laughing]
384
00:16:05,923 --> 00:16:07,675
Like, I can't help it,
you know, and she gets mad.
385
00:16:07,758 --> 00:16:10,803
Like the other day, I came into the house,
she was putting up sheetrock.
386
00:16:10,886 --> 00:16:12,096
[laughter]
387
00:16:12,846 --> 00:16:16,892
I don't even know what sheetrock is.
She was, was putting it up.
388
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:18,602
She was like,
"Are you gonna help me?"
389
00:16:18,686 --> 00:16:20,479
I was like, "Uh, yeah."
390
00:16:20,562 --> 00:16:22,147
[audience laughing]
391
00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:24,900
I went to the kitchen,
I made us lemonades. [laughs]
392
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:27,486
[laughter and clapping]
393
00:16:27,569 --> 00:16:29,697
Wearing one of her thongs.
[chuckles] You know?
394
00:16:31,782 --> 00:16:33,283
But you do it for the kids, Coach.
395
00:16:33,367 --> 00:16:35,577
That's what we're doing it for, you know?
396
00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:37,663
Want the kids to be--
And I love my kids, man.
397
00:16:37,746 --> 00:16:39,248
I really do.
My daughters.
398
00:16:39,331 --> 00:16:40,833
But it's like,
it's hard because, you know,
399
00:16:40,916 --> 00:16:44,753
you wanna reprimand them sometimes,
but sometimes my kids say funny stuff.
400
00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:46,213
I don't know what--
401
00:16:46,296 --> 00:16:48,215
Like, I-I-I have
my eight-year-old daughter
402
00:16:48,298 --> 00:16:50,050
and my two-year-old daughter,
and we walk.
403
00:16:50,134 --> 00:16:51,927
Our thing is, like, after dinner,
right before bed,
404
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:54,430
we take a nice little walk
around the block, just our little thing.
405
00:16:54,513 --> 00:16:56,640
The other night, I'm-- we're walking,
I'm holding my two-year-old,
406
00:16:56,724 --> 00:16:58,350
the eight-year-old's
a little in front of me,
407
00:16:58,434 --> 00:16:59,810
and she looks up at the moon.
408
00:16:59,893 --> 00:17:01,979
And she's like, "Look, Daddy,
the moon's broken."
409
00:17:02,062 --> 00:17:03,063
Aw, cute.
410
00:17:03,147 --> 00:17:04,940
Because it wasn't
a full moon, you know?
411
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:07,276
It was, like, another one.
[laughing]
412
00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:10,571
I don't know the phases
of the moon, man.
413
00:17:10,654 --> 00:17:13,115
I'm not a fuckin' Native American,
I don't...
414
00:17:13,198 --> 00:17:14,658
-[audience laughing]
-I couldn't...
415
00:17:14,742 --> 00:17:16,076
A waning gibbous?
416
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:18,245
[chuckles]
I don't, I don't know.
417
00:17:19,788 --> 00:17:22,499
She's like, "Aw, the moon's broken."
Cute.
418
00:17:22,583 --> 00:17:25,085
And then my eight-year-old goes,
"Is she slow?"
419
00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:26,670
[audience laughing]
420
00:17:26,754 --> 00:17:29,631
I was like, "Maybe."
[chuckles]
421
00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:31,383
[laughter]
422
00:17:32,092 --> 00:17:35,471
And, dude, let me tell you something
about my eight-year-old daughter, okay?
423
00:17:35,554 --> 00:17:39,016
I mean, this little girl, like, girl?
She's like a little woman.
424
00:17:39,099 --> 00:17:42,436
She's like a little pequeña woman.
She's just there.
425
00:17:42,519 --> 00:17:44,646
She just ha-- already has--
is born with that thing
426
00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:48,692
to just, you know, file away
something you said
427
00:17:48,776 --> 00:17:50,069
without even
acknowledging she knows.
428
00:17:50,152 --> 00:17:52,946
Just file it away to release it for drama,
429
00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:54,698
for no reason, just bang.
430
00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:57,159
Just for no reason.
Just wants to cause the drama.
431
00:17:57,242 --> 00:17:59,870
I-- Like, the other day,
we had the best day ever.
432
00:17:59,953 --> 00:18:03,123
It was just my eight-year-old and I,
beautiful daddy-daughter day.
433
00:18:03,207 --> 00:18:04,374
I mean, everything.
434
00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:06,210
'Kay, we're going to the park, ice cream.
435
00:18:06,293 --> 00:18:08,587
I spent $200 at Claire's.
436
00:18:08,670 --> 00:18:12,966
Do you know how much
cheap gold plastic?
437
00:18:13,050 --> 00:18:14,802
I-- My kid looked like Mr. T.
438
00:18:14,885 --> 00:18:15,886
-It--
-[audience laughing]
439
00:18:16,261 --> 00:18:19,139
Not in blackface, just--
440
00:18:19,223 --> 00:18:22,059
Just FYI, just the jewelry.
441
00:18:22,142 --> 00:18:23,852
[chuckles] And so...
442
00:18:25,354 --> 00:18:28,524
I was like, the best day of days, right?
443
00:18:28,607 --> 00:18:30,442
We're out all day, eight hours.
444
00:18:30,526 --> 00:18:33,112
Five seconds of this
beautiful eight-hour day,
445
00:18:33,195 --> 00:18:35,864
a Latina woman and her husband and kids,
446
00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:38,867
the woman came up to me,
wanted to take a quick picture,
447
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:40,494
something very nice to say.
448
00:18:40,577 --> 00:18:41,912
What a nice interaction.
449
00:18:41,995 --> 00:18:43,580
Five seconds.
My daughter wasn't even looking.
450
00:18:43,664 --> 00:18:45,124
I didn't even think
she was paying attention.
451
00:18:45,207 --> 00:18:47,501
I don't even think she saw it.
I didn't think twice about her.
452
00:18:47,584 --> 00:18:50,420
Went out for another five hours,
the day of all days.
453
00:18:50,504 --> 00:18:54,591
As soon as we get home, I mean,
the second we walk into the house,
454
00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:57,344
my girl opens the door, and she was like,
"How was your day, honey?"
455
00:18:57,427 --> 00:19:00,013
She was like, "It was great.
Daddy took a picture with a woman
456
00:19:00,097 --> 00:19:02,349
who was as pretty,
maybe prettier than you."
457
00:19:02,432 --> 00:19:04,017
[audience laughing]
458
00:19:04,101 --> 00:19:08,647
And then... just skipped away.
459
00:19:08,730 --> 00:19:10,816
Just skipped away.
460
00:19:12,818 --> 00:19:15,070
And I had no choice,
I had to eat my own words
461
00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:18,240
and do what I said I wouldn't.
I said, "She's on the spectrum.
462
00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:20,909
-"She-- She's--
-[audience laughing]
463
00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:24,246
"This is my daughter. She's--
[laughs] She's on the spectrum.
464
00:19:24,329 --> 00:19:25,706
She bit me!"
465
00:19:25,789 --> 00:19:28,125
[audience laughing]
466
00:19:28,208 --> 00:19:30,210
It's hard. I'm telling you, dude,
if you take anything tonight,
467
00:19:30,294 --> 00:19:33,005
if you wanna have kids, I'm telling you,
just listen to what I'm telling.
468
00:19:33,088 --> 00:19:36,133
Listen to what I'm saying,
it's hard, about the words.
469
00:19:36,216 --> 00:19:37,551
The words speak louder than actions.
470
00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:40,179
That's the, that's the thing.
That's the fundamental difference
471
00:19:40,262 --> 00:19:42,639
between now and 20 years ago.
472
00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:44,266
And girls are okay.
473
00:19:44,349 --> 00:19:46,685
Like, my daughters,
I got faith in them.
474
00:19:46,768 --> 00:19:48,145
They're good, right?
475
00:19:48,228 --> 00:19:50,689
Like, they're strong-willed,
funny, I'm funny.
476
00:19:50,772 --> 00:19:52,149
But boys, it's tough.
477
00:19:52,232 --> 00:19:54,651
I mean, think about being
a teenage boy today.
478
00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:56,570
-I mean, when I was 15...
-[audience member] Woo!
479
00:19:56,653 --> 00:19:58,071
...the things I used to say,
480
00:19:58,155 --> 00:20:00,657
I would be publicly executed for--
481
00:20:00,741 --> 00:20:01,783
[audience laughing]
482
00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:03,160
But back then,
there was no evidence.
483
00:20:03,243 --> 00:20:05,329
Nobody heard me say it,
so I didn't say it.
484
00:20:05,412 --> 00:20:06,622
-It's just--
-[audience laughing]
485
00:20:06,705 --> 00:20:08,832
But now, everything you do,
486
00:20:08,916 --> 00:20:10,292
you gotta be really careful
487
00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:12,169
about the advice
you dole out to these kids.
488
00:20:12,252 --> 00:20:14,213
Very tough, and I think
it's harder with boys
489
00:20:14,296 --> 00:20:15,756
'cause I, like I said,
I have my daughters,
490
00:20:15,839 --> 00:20:18,008
but then I also have
a 13-year-old stepson.
491
00:20:18,091 --> 00:20:19,718
Alright, and I love my stepson.
492
00:20:19,801 --> 00:20:22,137
He's almost like my family.
I...
493
00:20:22,763 --> 00:20:26,141
-[audience laughing]
-[Chris laughing]
494
00:20:26,850 --> 00:20:29,728
[laughing] I love--
He sleeps right there on my property.
495
00:20:29,811 --> 00:20:31,563
The-- He's right there.
Sleeps right there.
496
00:20:31,647 --> 00:20:32,648
I love--
497
00:20:32,731 --> 00:20:35,150
You know?
[laughs] Right there.
498
00:20:36,610 --> 00:20:39,947
We live in the same house,
but we talk on Zoom only.
499
00:20:40,030 --> 00:20:41,990
You know, you gotta be careful. And...
500
00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:43,158
[Chris chuckles]
501
00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:46,370
we were talking on Zoom
the other day,
502
00:20:46,453 --> 00:20:49,581
and I was trying
to talk to him, catch up.
503
00:20:49,665 --> 00:20:51,250
You know, I wanted to catch up.
I was like,
504
00:20:51,333 --> 00:20:53,627
"Come on, buddy, what's going on?
Tell me everything. What's going on?"
505
00:20:53,710 --> 00:20:56,546
I was like, "How's school?
You talking to any girls?"
506
00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:59,591
He was like, "Yeah.
Yeah, there's somebody."
507
00:20:59,675 --> 00:21:02,844
You know, he's like, "But-But honestly,
like, I don't know what to say sometimes.
508
00:21:02,928 --> 00:21:04,388
I just get stuck."
509
00:21:04,471 --> 00:21:06,431
I was like, "Let me tell you
something right now, okay?
510
00:21:06,515 --> 00:21:10,602
"Here's one thing I know for sure.
Girls love confidence.
511
00:21:10,686 --> 00:21:13,522
"That's what they wanna see from you.
Confidence, alright?
512
00:21:13,605 --> 00:21:17,359
I'm gonna teach you some stuff
the stoics said, some Marcus Aurelius."
513
00:21:17,859 --> 00:21:22,447
[chuckles] And this kid-- And he was like,
"Chris, no. No, it's not that.
514
00:21:22,531 --> 00:21:26,910
"It's that she identifies as a they.
515
00:21:26,994 --> 00:21:30,122
So, how do I approach that situation?"
516
00:21:30,205 --> 00:21:33,458
I said,
"Listen, I'm not your real father."
517
00:21:33,542 --> 00:21:36,545
[laughter and applause]
518
00:21:38,088 --> 00:21:39,381
Yo no se!
519
00:21:40,507 --> 00:21:42,301
[laughing]
I don't know, buddy.
520
00:21:42,384 --> 00:21:44,886
I don't know what to tell you, man.
Suck her dick?
521
00:21:44,970 --> 00:21:46,513
-I don't know.
-[audience laughing]
522
00:21:46,596 --> 00:21:48,098
Maybe that?
523
00:21:48,181 --> 00:21:50,434
Would that be right, Coach?
Tell me-- Okay.
524
00:21:50,517 --> 00:21:51,977
[laughter and cheering]
525
00:21:52,519 --> 00:21:54,604
Coach, you want some water?
You need to hydrate?
526
00:21:54,688 --> 00:21:57,149
You good? I like you, man.
527
00:21:57,232 --> 00:21:59,234
Any Indian people here?
528
00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:02,070
Any Indian? Nobody?
529
00:22:02,154 --> 00:22:03,822
Now, way to go, Chris!
530
00:22:03,905 --> 00:22:06,825
-[audience laughing]
-What a nice diverse crowd I have.
531
00:22:07,951 --> 00:22:10,537
Love Indian people, dude.
I wish there were more Indian people here.
532
00:22:10,620 --> 00:22:13,165
I love-- Let me tell you something,
Indian people?
533
00:22:13,248 --> 00:22:17,252
Number one, I think
the number-one race I love.
534
00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:20,339
Ancient, spiritual, love Indian people.
535
00:22:20,422 --> 00:22:22,382
Dude, anytime I see
an Indian man sleeping,
536
00:22:22,466 --> 00:22:23,759
I just assume he's meditating.
537
00:22:23,842 --> 00:22:25,594
-Always.
-[audience laughing]
538
00:22:25,677 --> 00:22:27,637
I swear to Christ.
I sw-- It's true.
539
00:22:27,721 --> 00:22:30,640
Last week I was flying
New York to LA, six-hour flight.
540
00:22:30,724 --> 00:22:33,143
There was an Indian man
sitting next to me.
541
00:22:33,226 --> 00:22:37,022
From takeoff to touchdown,
every second, this man was asleep.
542
00:22:37,105 --> 00:22:38,273
Every second.
543
00:22:38,357 --> 00:22:41,610
When he woke up,
I said, "Sir, teach me.
544
00:22:41,693 --> 00:22:46,198
Teach me how to get
to this level of nirvana."
545
00:22:47,741 --> 00:22:49,659
He was like, "I'm an alcoholic."
546
00:22:49,743 --> 00:22:51,995
[audience laughing]
547
00:22:52,079 --> 00:22:53,538
[audience member]
Woo!
548
00:22:53,622 --> 00:22:55,499
There-There's another one.
549
00:22:55,582 --> 00:22:57,209
-[audience laughing]
-That's it.
550
00:22:57,292 --> 00:23:00,379
That, that is a--
That lady has HPV.
551
00:23:00,462 --> 00:23:02,672
100%. Woo!
552
00:23:02,756 --> 00:23:04,841
We all do, right?
What's a speed bump, Coach?
553
00:23:04,925 --> 00:23:06,134
Have a fuckin' wart.
554
00:23:08,053 --> 00:23:10,138
Good for you, lady.
I love this lady.
555
00:23:10,222 --> 00:23:13,141
Oh yeah, this lady's
definitely gonna get arrested.
556
00:23:13,225 --> 00:23:15,227
[audience laughing]
557
00:23:13,225 --> 00:23:15,227
[audience laughing]
558
00:23:15,852 --> 00:23:17,646
Any Chinese people?
559
00:23:17,729 --> 00:23:20,440
-[audience member] Yeah!
-Way to go, again!
560
00:23:20,524 --> 00:23:22,275
-You're Chinese?
-[audience member] And Cuban!
561
00:23:22,359 --> 00:23:24,986
Chinese and Cuban.
Holy Communist.
562
00:23:25,070 --> 00:23:27,531
[laughter and applause]
563
00:23:27,614 --> 00:23:31,535
Way to go.
Chinese and Cuban!
564
00:23:31,618 --> 00:23:34,871
Oh, my God.
Could you be any more of the enemy?
565
00:23:34,955 --> 00:23:36,832
Holy smokes!
566
00:23:36,915 --> 00:23:39,084
-[audience laughing]
-[Chris chuckles]
567
00:23:39,167 --> 00:23:40,710
Love it. Love it.
568
00:23:40,794 --> 00:23:42,087
Let me tell you something, dude.
569
00:23:42,170 --> 00:23:44,881
Here's a, here's a big part
of parenting, okay?
570
00:23:44,965 --> 00:23:46,216
Playdates.
571
00:23:46,299 --> 00:23:49,261
You gotta have playdates
with the other kids' parents,
572
00:23:49,344 --> 00:23:52,973
and some of these kids
and their parents, oh, my God. So--
573
00:23:53,056 --> 00:23:54,724
Everybody has an allergy.
574
00:23:54,808 --> 00:23:58,478
You know, every fucking uppity white dad,
it's the same conversation. Have to--
575
00:23:58,562 --> 00:24:02,107
He's talking to me about
his startup and crypto, you know?
576
00:24:02,190 --> 00:24:04,693
The mom's like, [high-strung]
"Are you gonna put this in your skit?"
577
00:24:04,776 --> 00:24:06,862
[normal] I'm like, "I hope
you get hit by a bus, lady!"
578
00:24:06,945 --> 00:24:09,406
-[audience laughing]
-"That's the skit,
579
00:24:09,489 --> 00:24:11,867
your head rolling down
the street going, 'Gluten!'"
580
00:24:11,950 --> 00:24:14,703
-[laughter and applause]
-[Chris sighs]
581
00:24:16,788 --> 00:24:20,208
But, dude, but the Chinese,
your mother's people,
582
00:24:20,292 --> 00:24:23,044
the Chinese love it.
583
00:24:23,128 --> 00:24:27,340
Dude, my daughter has got--
There's one kid in her class
584
00:24:27,424 --> 00:24:29,259
who's Chinese, his name's David.
585
00:24:29,342 --> 00:24:30,844
Okay, I don't know what his, you know,
586
00:24:30,927 --> 00:24:32,637
I don't know what
his government Chinese name is,
587
00:24:32,721 --> 00:24:36,349
but he's going undercover here
as David, and I respect that.
588
00:24:36,433 --> 00:24:38,435
I respect his chi.
I love--
589
00:24:40,312 --> 00:24:41,730
David. Love this kid.
590
00:24:41,813 --> 00:24:43,899
You know, she's got other
friends in her class.
591
00:24:43,982 --> 00:24:46,401
No, I don't wanna see those kids.
David. It-- 'Cause guess what?
592
00:24:46,485 --> 00:24:49,362
When you have a playdate with David,
guess who I've never met once?
593
00:24:49,446 --> 00:24:51,323
David's parents, okay?
594
00:24:51,406 --> 00:24:54,284
'Cause guess where
David's parents are? Working.
595
00:24:54,367 --> 00:24:58,914
They're at work, they're in the factory
building shit, making stuff.
596
00:24:58,997 --> 00:25:00,999
Wit it, okay?
You don't meet them.
597
00:25:01,082 --> 00:25:03,460
They're not working from home.
No.
598
00:25:03,543 --> 00:25:04,920
They're out there.
599
00:25:05,003 --> 00:25:07,797
I've only ever met
David's grandmother, okay?
600
00:25:07,881 --> 00:25:10,634
David's grandmother, 192 years old.
601
00:25:10,717 --> 00:25:14,095
-[audience laughing]
-This woman, oh!
602
00:25:14,179 --> 00:25:17,682
Every time we have a playdate,
she's doing Tai Chi, Sudoku.
603
00:25:17,766 --> 00:25:19,935
It's like a brain-body workout.
604
00:25:20,936 --> 00:25:22,270
Never asked about allergies.
605
00:25:22,354 --> 00:25:26,107
The other day, she gave my kid
a live shrimp in a bag.
606
00:25:26,191 --> 00:25:30,153
I said, "Is this a pet or food?
607
00:25:30,237 --> 00:25:32,322
"I don't know, but thank you.
608
00:25:32,405 --> 00:25:34,574
-[audience laughing]
-We honor-- Love it."
609
00:25:36,743 --> 00:25:38,370
'Cause here's the thing,
here's the thing.
610
00:25:38,453 --> 00:25:41,081
The planet, the planet is dying, right?
611
00:25:41,164 --> 00:25:42,916
We can all agree,
this planet's dying.
612
00:25:42,999 --> 00:25:46,545
We're gonna need to find
sustainable life on a new planet.
613
00:25:46,628 --> 00:25:49,965
Okay, and I think the spaceship
that takes the people from this planet
614
00:25:50,048 --> 00:25:51,758
to the new sustainable life planet
615
00:25:51,841 --> 00:25:54,469
is gonna have a Chinese flag
right on the side of it.
616
00:25:54,553 --> 00:25:56,930
I think it's-- And I'm just hoping
that my daughter
617
00:25:57,013 --> 00:26:01,434
and her Chinese husband, "David,"
get a plus-one and bring Pops.
618
00:26:01,518 --> 00:26:03,353
-[audience laughing]
-Survive and advance.
619
00:26:03,436 --> 00:26:05,855
Today, I am Latino.
Tomorrow, I am Chinese.
620
00:26:05,939 --> 00:26:08,358
-That's...
-[laughter and applause]
621
00:26:08,441 --> 00:26:10,610
I'm comin' for you.
That's how you have to roll.
622
00:26:10,694 --> 00:26:13,280
[applause]
623
00:26:13,363 --> 00:26:15,156
Twenty years ago, it was just fun.
624
00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:19,327
I saw-- I grew up with a father
who was about actions.
625
00:26:19,411 --> 00:26:21,121
He was about--
He was the old school.
626
00:26:21,204 --> 00:26:22,914
He was actions spoke louder than words,
627
00:26:22,998 --> 00:26:25,417
which I just think
is an easier world to navigate.
628
00:26:25,500 --> 00:26:28,336
And all I saw was my father
lead with the actions,
629
00:26:28,420 --> 00:26:29,879
and who cares about the words?
630
00:26:29,963 --> 00:26:32,632
And I-- Every race, culture, creed
that met my dad loved him.
631
00:26:32,716 --> 00:26:34,801
Everybody loves my dad
'cause he's pure.
632
00:26:34,884 --> 00:26:37,053
He's got a pure, cholesterol-filled heart.
633
00:26:37,137 --> 00:26:41,057
It's-- He's as pure as you can be.
A slab of bacon.
634
00:26:41,141 --> 00:26:45,520
And, y-you know, he would-- He--
His actions, loved everybody.
635
00:26:45,604 --> 00:26:48,648
Like, I had two friends who were gay
growing up, right, in high school.
636
00:26:48,732 --> 00:26:51,318
They were gay, and, you know,
my dad would invite them over
637
00:26:51,401 --> 00:26:52,944
when maybe other people's
families wouldn't
638
00:26:53,028 --> 00:26:54,487
'cause it was oth--
another time back then.
639
00:26:54,571 --> 00:26:57,449
My dad, "Have them in."
Love him. The action, beautiful.
640
00:26:57,532 --> 00:26:59,367
But, you know, my dad's got his jokes.
641
00:26:59,451 --> 00:27:03,288
He's gonna say his words,
but what-what can you do, right?
642
00:27:04,247 --> 00:27:06,333
My dad-- You know,
my friends would come over.
643
00:27:06,416 --> 00:27:07,751
I remember as soon as they walked in,
644
00:27:07,834 --> 00:27:09,586
he was standing there
holding two eggplants.
645
00:27:09,669 --> 00:27:12,589
He was like, "Come on, guys,
you wanna sit on these?
646
00:27:12,672 --> 00:27:13,840
[audience laughing]
647
00:27:13,923 --> 00:27:17,010
Come on, sit down!
It's a joke!"
648
00:27:18,011 --> 00:27:20,096
Then whatever,
they sit down, spin around.
649
00:27:20,180 --> 00:27:23,308
You get a laugh.
You get a laugh.
650
00:27:23,391 --> 00:27:26,269
They didn't care, they loved--
They still love my dad.
651
00:27:26,353 --> 00:27:29,064
And, you know, it's a beautiful thing.
652
00:27:29,147 --> 00:27:30,523
'Cause I tell my kids all the time,
653
00:27:30,607 --> 00:27:33,026
the main thing I say,
"Control your output.
654
00:27:33,109 --> 00:27:35,362
"I don't know about the outcome,
but if you can control your output,
655
00:27:35,445 --> 00:27:38,573
"forget about the outcome 'cause it's
a very judgmental society at times.
656
00:27:38,657 --> 00:27:40,325
"I don't know how people
are gonna receive you,
657
00:27:40,408 --> 00:27:42,869
but if you're controlling your part,
that's all I'm looking for."
658
00:27:42,952 --> 00:27:46,039
And that's what I look for in people.
Are you controlling your part?
659
00:27:46,122 --> 00:27:49,751
And I look-- My dad is.
My dad really is trying, okay?
660
00:27:49,834 --> 00:27:52,253
But he's got a third-grade education.
661
00:27:52,337 --> 00:27:57,300
So, listen, it's not all home runs,
but the guy tries,
662
00:27:57,384 --> 00:27:59,344
and that's what I'm looking for.
663
00:27:59,427 --> 00:28:01,805
Like, I swear,
he calls me up one day,
664
00:28:01,888 --> 00:28:04,766
he was like, [gruff voice] "Chrissy,"
he was like, "Listen to me.
665
00:28:04,849 --> 00:28:07,769
You know your daughter's
Puerto Rican, right?"
666
00:28:07,852 --> 00:28:10,313
[normal]
I was like, "Um, yeah.
667
00:28:11,398 --> 00:28:14,693
I mean, she's eight years old,
she has a tattoo on her tit, so."
668
00:28:14,776 --> 00:28:16,778
[audience laughing]
669
00:28:17,570 --> 00:28:21,116
Joke. I'm joking. I'm joking.
Look, the Latinos, having fun.
670
00:28:21,199 --> 00:28:22,867
It's always the white people.
671
00:28:22,951 --> 00:28:25,203
[outraged]
"That is not okay!"
672
00:28:25,286 --> 00:28:27,956
[normal]
I'm joking. I'm joking.
673
00:28:28,039 --> 00:28:30,583
My daughter was born
with a birthmark right here.
674
00:28:30,667 --> 00:28:32,210
It says, "Boricua."
675
00:28:33,169 --> 00:28:35,088
[laughter and applause]
676
00:28:36,172 --> 00:28:37,424
It's a condition.
677
00:28:40,301 --> 00:28:41,886
No.
[chuckles]
678
00:28:41,970 --> 00:28:45,598
I said, "Yeah-Yeah, yes,
I know she's Puerto Rican.
679
00:28:45,682 --> 00:28:48,560
I mean, do you know?
It's your granddaughter."
680
00:28:48,643 --> 00:28:50,812
He was like,
[gruff] "Yeah, well, listen.
681
00:28:50,895 --> 00:28:53,106
"Alright, I've been doing the research,
682
00:28:53,189 --> 00:28:57,277
"and they don't throw sweet 16s
in the Latina culture.
683
00:28:57,360 --> 00:29:01,197
"Alright, you look like a real idiot
if you try to throw her a sweet 16
684
00:29:01,281 --> 00:29:03,199
'cause that's not what her
and her people do."
685
00:29:03,283 --> 00:29:06,995
[normal] I was like,
"Okay, first of all, she's eight.
686
00:29:07,078 --> 00:29:10,457
"So, I'm not remotely, at all,
not for one second,
687
00:29:10,540 --> 00:29:12,542
"thinking about her sweet 16.
688
00:29:12,625 --> 00:29:15,128
"Second of all,
she's born and raised in America.
689
00:29:15,211 --> 00:29:17,922
They absolutely have sweet 16s."
690
00:29:18,006 --> 00:29:20,550
He was like, [gruff] "No, no, no!
See, that's where you're wrong.
691
00:29:20,633 --> 00:29:24,137
"You're living in your white bubble
with your white privilege,
692
00:29:24,220 --> 00:29:26,639
"and I won't stand for that no more.
693
00:29:26,723 --> 00:29:29,684
"I've been talking to my friends
down at the bodega
694
00:29:29,768 --> 00:29:34,439
"and they're telling me
they don't throw the parties
695
00:29:34,522 --> 00:29:37,400
"for the girls at 16
in the Latina culture.
696
00:29:37,484 --> 00:29:39,861
"They throw the parties
for the girls at 15.
697
00:29:39,944 --> 00:29:41,780
"They call 'em quesadillas.
698
00:29:41,863 --> 00:29:43,615
[audience laughing]
699
00:29:44,491 --> 00:29:45,742
"So...
700
00:29:47,535 --> 00:29:51,164
"So, you gotta throw her
a quesadilla,
701
00:29:51,247 --> 00:29:54,334
and I'm payin' for it, cash."
[normal] I was like...
702
00:29:54,417 --> 00:29:56,336
-[audience laughing]
-[Chris chuckles]
703
00:29:56,419 --> 00:29:58,004
I was like, "Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hold on.
704
00:29:58,087 --> 00:30:00,089
Do you mean quinceañera?"
705
00:30:00,173 --> 00:30:03,968
He was like, [gruff] "That's what I said.
A 'quinceandilla.'"
706
00:30:04,052 --> 00:30:05,094
[laughter]
707
00:30:05,178 --> 00:30:09,516
I was like, "No, now you're mixing
'quesadilla' and 'quinceañera.'"
708
00:30:09,599 --> 00:30:11,684
He's like,
[gruff] "Oh, I'm sorry.
709
00:30:11,768 --> 00:30:14,437
"I didn't know you spoke Spanish
with your boyfriend.
710
00:30:14,521 --> 00:30:16,439
[audience laughing]
711
00:30:17,232 --> 00:30:21,528
Bring out the eggplant.
You and Julio can have a seat."
712
00:30:21,611 --> 00:30:23,363
-[laughter]
-[Chris chuckles]
713
00:30:24,405 --> 00:30:26,533
Here's the thing about my father,
here's how I describe him.
714
00:30:26,616 --> 00:30:29,577
He always would have the right intentions,
but the wrong moves.
715
00:30:29,661 --> 00:30:31,663
I will-- I'll admit, wrong moves,
716
00:30:31,746 --> 00:30:34,123
but the intentions were pure.
Again, the actions.
717
00:30:34,207 --> 00:30:36,084
That's what I cared about,
and that's all I saw.
718
00:30:36,167 --> 00:30:40,004
All I saw was people loving my father
'cause he would make jokes.
719
00:30:40,088 --> 00:30:42,841
If a situation, a situation was tense,
my dad's making a joke.
720
00:30:42,924 --> 00:30:45,009
Beautiful.
Like when I graduated college, right?
721
00:30:45,093 --> 00:30:46,845
It was a very inclusive ceremony.
722
00:30:46,928 --> 00:30:50,557
They wanted to make sure
every major religion was accepted
723
00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:54,185
and, y-you know, w-was-was out there,
so-- w-was represented.
724
00:30:54,269 --> 00:30:59,065
So, they-they-- the-the college ceremony
started off with a Catholic priest.
725
00:30:59,148 --> 00:31:03,027
He came out, gave a nice little speech,
jerked off an altar boy. Um...
726
00:31:03,111 --> 00:31:05,989
-[audience laughing]
-You know, I was the altar boy, and...
727
00:31:06,072 --> 00:31:07,448
[laughter]
728
00:31:08,408 --> 00:31:11,703
[chuckles]
They had a Jewish rabbi come out.
729
00:31:11,786 --> 00:31:15,081
He gave a nice little speech too,
went back in the tunnel.
730
00:31:15,164 --> 00:31:17,333
-Um...
-[audience laughing]
731
00:31:17,417 --> 00:31:21,880
It was-- Dude, he built a tunnel from--
It was, like, it was poppin' up.
732
00:31:21,963 --> 00:31:24,424
Like, dude, El Chapo should hire
the Jews for the tunnels.
733
00:31:24,507 --> 00:31:28,136
I mean, that's why
they're not getting the rabbis.
734
00:31:28,219 --> 00:31:30,430
-And-- So...
-[audience laughing]
735
00:31:30,513 --> 00:31:32,348
Shalom, shalom.
Any Jewish? Shalom.
736
00:31:32,432 --> 00:31:37,228
And then, you know, then they ended
it all with a Muslim Imam.
737
00:31:32,432 --> 00:31:37,228
And then, you know, then they ended
it all with a Muslim Imam.
738
00:31:37,312 --> 00:31:38,771
Okay, this guy was great.
739
00:31:38,855 --> 00:31:40,773
The Imam was great,
but it was all in Arabic.
740
00:31:40,857 --> 00:31:42,525
Okay, I didn't know
what he was saying.
741
00:31:42,609 --> 00:31:44,944
But I had a lot of Muslim friends.
My habibis.
742
00:31:45,028 --> 00:31:46,446
-[scattered cheers]
-Okay, my-- Yes. My--
743
00:31:46,529 --> 00:31:48,990
Dude, my-- I swear, one of my friends,
all four years of college,
744
00:31:49,073 --> 00:31:50,825
we used to call him Justin Habieber.
745
00:31:50,909 --> 00:31:52,410
-This kid...
-[audience laughing]
746
00:31:52,493 --> 00:31:54,871
...dude, the Habiebs, amazing.
747
00:31:56,122 --> 00:31:57,457
He was telling me what he was saying.
748
00:31:57,540 --> 00:31:59,375
It was all beautiful, the Imam,
but it was in Arabic.
749
00:31:59,459 --> 00:32:01,419
You know?
[imitating Imam speaking Arabic]
750
00:32:01,502 --> 00:32:03,630
...Macaulay Culkin.
751
00:32:03,713 --> 00:32:07,592
Home Alone, Macaulay...
[imitating Imam speaking Arabic]
752
00:32:07,675 --> 00:32:09,802
-[continues speaking gibberish]
-[laughter]
753
00:32:10,637 --> 00:32:14,182
And it was getting tense, right?
'Cause, you know?
754
00:32:14,265 --> 00:32:16,976
You could feel the tension,
all those, like, uppity white people
755
00:32:17,060 --> 00:32:18,978
that make believe they're so diverse?
756
00:32:19,062 --> 00:32:21,522
As soon as they heard Arabic,
they were like, "Call the FBI!"
757
00:32:21,606 --> 00:32:23,358
[audience laughing]
758
00:32:23,441 --> 00:32:27,654
And, you know,
my father, he hates tension.
759
00:32:27,737 --> 00:32:29,989
And my dad's at every event in my life,
but he's in the last row.
760
00:32:30,073 --> 00:32:32,241
My parents are divorced,
so he's in the last row.
761
00:32:32,325 --> 00:32:34,535
My dad always by himself,
just hangin'.
762
00:32:34,619 --> 00:32:37,538
And, you know, "Allah!"
763
00:32:37,622 --> 00:32:39,791
You could hear it going higher
and higher and higher,
764
00:32:39,874 --> 00:32:41,960
and the tension is at a fever pitch.
765
00:32:42,043 --> 00:32:44,921
And at the last, "Allah,"
my dad yelled out
766
00:32:45,004 --> 00:32:47,256
from the last row, "Hakuna Matata!"
767
00:32:47,340 --> 00:32:49,300
[audience laughing]
768
00:32:49,384 --> 00:32:53,388
[chuckles]
A line from The Lion King.
769
00:32:54,389 --> 00:32:56,391
First of all,
every single person in that room
770
00:32:56,474 --> 00:32:58,768
turned around to see
who said that, except me.
771
00:32:58,851 --> 00:33:03,690
I knew exactly who said that.
772
00:33:03,773 --> 00:33:06,776
I knew it was my father
hysterical-laughing,
773
00:33:06,859 --> 00:33:08,111
high-fiving nobody...
774
00:33:08,194 --> 00:33:09,612
[audience laughing]
775
00:33:09,696 --> 00:33:11,406
...as my mother called the police.
776
00:33:13,950 --> 00:33:16,828
Then, he waited for the tension
to die down again,
777
00:33:16,911 --> 00:33:18,746
and he yelled,
"It means no worries!"
778
00:33:18,830 --> 00:33:20,540
[laughter]
779
00:33:20,623 --> 00:33:22,917
And everybody loved it.
780
00:33:23,001 --> 00:33:25,294
All-- My Muslim friends were
dying laughing, they loved it.
781
00:33:25,378 --> 00:33:29,090
Justin Habieber came up to me and said,
"Bro, your dad is the man.
782
00:33:29,173 --> 00:33:31,384
"Thank you so much for this.
783
00:33:31,467 --> 00:33:34,012
"We really apprec--
We do have to behead him, obviously,
784
00:33:34,095 --> 00:33:36,014
"but, you know.
785
00:33:36,097 --> 00:33:38,057
It's not us.
It's the Quran."
786
00:33:38,141 --> 00:33:40,351
I was like, "Bro, I'm Chrissy Quran.
You don't think I know?"
787
00:33:42,145 --> 00:33:44,272
-[audience member] Woo!
-There she is again.
788
00:33:44,355 --> 00:33:45,356
[laughter]
789
00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:47,692
There she is.
[chuckles]
790
00:33:47,775 --> 00:33:49,277
Do you even know where you are?
791
00:33:49,360 --> 00:33:50,611
[laughter]
792
00:33:50,695 --> 00:33:52,613
I love you, lady.
What's your name?
793
00:33:52,697 --> 00:33:54,407
Something like Stephanie or...
794
00:33:54,490 --> 00:33:56,325
-[audience member] Brittany.
-Brittany?!
795
00:33:56,409 --> 00:34:00,413
[laughter and applause]
796
00:34:07,920 --> 00:34:10,840
Let me tell you something, Brittany,
you need a conservatorship.
797
00:34:10,923 --> 00:34:12,675
-You...
-[audience laughing]
798
00:34:12,759 --> 00:34:16,471
Brittany, the only name
worse than Stephanie
799
00:34:16,554 --> 00:34:18,389
was your name.
800
00:34:18,473 --> 00:34:20,141
Brittany!
801
00:34:20,224 --> 00:34:22,935
Oh, my God, Brittany.
802
00:34:23,644 --> 00:34:26,189
[chuckles]
You're the husband?
803
00:34:26,272 --> 00:34:27,899
Oh, that sucks!
804
00:34:27,982 --> 00:34:30,818
-[laughter and applause]
-[laughing] Boyfriend?
805
00:34:30,902 --> 00:34:33,696
She's like, "I'm cheating
on my husband with him!
806
00:34:33,780 --> 00:34:35,531
His name's Kevin.
He's a firefighter!"
807
00:34:35,615 --> 00:34:37,366
Right, is your name Kevin?
What's your name?
808
00:34:37,450 --> 00:34:38,659
[both]
Mitch!
809
00:34:38,743 --> 00:34:39,869
-[Chris] Mitch?
-Yeah.
810
00:34:39,952 --> 00:34:41,621
Oh, alright.
That's stupid.
811
00:34:41,704 --> 00:34:44,540
[audience laughing]
812
00:34:46,125 --> 00:34:47,335
How 'bout this?
813
00:34:47,418 --> 00:34:49,337
You wanna hear
about the time my father
814
00:34:49,420 --> 00:34:50,922
made me make-believe
I had special needs
815
00:34:51,005 --> 00:34:52,381
to get better tickets
to the Yankee game?
816
00:34:52,465 --> 00:34:55,009
I'll tell you that. I'll tell you that.
This is a coach story for you.
817
00:34:55,093 --> 00:34:57,595
So...
[chuckles]
818
00:34:57,678 --> 00:35:00,056
So, here's the thing.
Here's the truth, right?
819
00:35:00,139 --> 00:35:01,891
Like I said, my father--
What do I say?
820
00:35:01,974 --> 00:35:03,726
Right intentions, wrong moves.
821
00:35:03,810 --> 00:35:06,312
So, again, the-- if the intention
is there, I'm with it.
822
00:35:06,395 --> 00:35:09,398
I had a great childhood, okay?
I real-- 'Cause I was a bad kid.
823
00:35:09,482 --> 00:35:12,485
Make no mistake.
I was a bad kid, alright?
824
00:35:12,568 --> 00:35:15,446
I had ADHD,
but, you know, real ADHD.
825
00:35:15,530 --> 00:35:17,615
Not like now
where everyone's just diagnosed.
826
00:35:17,698 --> 00:35:20,284
I had for-real--
I was on Ritalin.
827
00:35:20,368 --> 00:35:24,122
Okay, not the shit you microdose
outside-- Not your Ritalin.
828
00:35:24,205 --> 00:35:26,666
I was on real government-issued--
829
00:35:26,749 --> 00:35:28,918
She's like, "I mix it
with a little white Zinfandel."
830
00:35:29,001 --> 00:35:30,044
-I--
-[audience laughing]
831
00:35:30,128 --> 00:35:32,880
-I was on real Ritty.
-[Brittany] Wow!
832
00:35:32,964 --> 00:35:37,593
And I had to be controlled.
I was an uncontrollable child.
833
00:35:37,677 --> 00:35:39,178
And my mother's a smart lady, right?
834
00:35:39,262 --> 00:35:40,972
She knew the two things
that I loved the most
835
00:35:41,055 --> 00:35:43,141
were sporting events
and hanging out with my dad.
836
00:35:43,224 --> 00:35:45,184
And she came up
with a little system, right?
837
00:35:45,268 --> 00:35:47,520
'Cause I was bad.
I used to push air conditioners
838
00:35:47,603 --> 00:35:49,397
out the window, you know?
839
00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:52,275
Bite the dog.
I'd pee in her houseplants.
840
00:35:52,358 --> 00:35:56,362
Like, I was just a savage
little child, like, just an idiot.
841
00:35:56,445 --> 00:35:57,947
And my mother came up
with this system.
842
00:35:58,030 --> 00:36:01,033
If I got enough check marks
throughout the month,
843
00:36:01,117 --> 00:36:03,536
she would allow me to go
to a game with my dad.
844
00:36:03,619 --> 00:36:05,037
I didn't have to get 100%.
845
00:36:05,121 --> 00:36:08,833
You know, I could push one air conditioner
out a window, you know?
846
00:36:08,916 --> 00:36:12,420
I could bite a stray cat, something.
847
00:36:12,503 --> 00:36:16,257
[chuckles] But as long as I got--
And she would, she'd let me go.
848
00:36:16,340 --> 00:36:18,384
And so, one day, good enough,
849
00:36:18,467 --> 00:36:20,011
she was allowing me
to go to a baseball game.
850
00:36:20,094 --> 00:36:22,180
She said, "Honey, listen,
you can go to the game,
851
00:36:22,263 --> 00:36:24,056
"but you have to leave
in the third inning.
852
00:36:24,140 --> 00:36:26,976
"Okay, I need you
in this house by 9 p.m.,
853
00:36:27,059 --> 00:36:29,020
"no questions asked.
It is a school night.
854
00:36:29,103 --> 00:36:30,855
"I need you
in this house by 9 p.m.
855
00:36:30,938 --> 00:36:33,524
You leave in the third inning."
I said, "Mom, 100%.
856
00:36:33,608 --> 00:36:36,360
"Just, you gotta tell Dad
'cause I'm not listening.
857
00:36:36,444 --> 00:36:39,030
"I real-- I got too much
going on in my brain.
858
00:36:39,113 --> 00:36:40,781
"I-I mean, I'm waiting for you
to go to the next room
859
00:36:40,865 --> 00:36:42,575
"so I can take a dump in the laundry.
860
00:36:42,658 --> 00:36:45,119
"So, just know that that's all...
861
00:36:45,203 --> 00:36:47,121
You got a fresh load there,
and I'm a bad kid."
862
00:36:47,205 --> 00:36:48,956
[laughter]
863
00:36:49,040 --> 00:36:51,042
So, with that, my dad rings the bell.
864
00:36:51,125 --> 00:36:53,294
I come down the stairs backwards
like I'm in The Exorcist.
865
00:36:53,377 --> 00:36:54,795
I am ready to go.
866
00:36:54,879 --> 00:36:56,422
[laughter]
867
00:36:57,757 --> 00:36:59,675
Right away, my mother
opens the door, and she is right there.
868
00:36:59,759 --> 00:37:01,344
She's like,
[high-strung] "Tony, listen to me.
869
00:37:01,427 --> 00:37:04,972
"You can go to the game with him,
but you have to leave in the third inning.
870
00:37:05,056 --> 00:37:08,351
"I need him back in this house by 9 p.m.
It is a school night.
871
00:37:08,434 --> 00:37:11,395
"It is very important
he is back in this house, okay?
872
00:37:11,479 --> 00:37:15,983
"And another thing, do not give him
any soda, please, or any sugar.
873
00:37:16,067 --> 00:37:18,444
"Every time you give him soda,
I cannot control him.
874
00:37:18,527 --> 00:37:20,071
"It is hard enough to deal with him as is.
875
00:37:20,154 --> 00:37:22,031
When you give him soda,
he's off the walls."
876
00:37:22,114 --> 00:37:24,533
He's like,
[gruff] "100%, no soda.
877
00:37:24,617 --> 00:37:25,743
[audience laughing]
878
00:37:25,826 --> 00:37:26,827
No soda."
879
00:37:26,911 --> 00:37:29,288
[normal]
And then he winked at me in front of her.
880
00:37:30,539 --> 00:37:31,791
He was like...
881
00:37:31,874 --> 00:37:33,960
[audience laughing]
882
00:37:34,043 --> 00:37:36,170
I'm pretty sure she can see you.
883
00:37:37,964 --> 00:37:39,882
And he goes,
[gruff] "I got it. No soda."
884
00:37:39,966 --> 00:37:41,175
She's like,
[high-strung] "9 o'clock!"
885
00:37:41,259 --> 00:37:42,969
He's like,
[gruff] "I got it."
886
00:37:43,052 --> 00:37:45,763
[normal] So, we leave, right?
Go up the block.
887
00:37:45,846 --> 00:37:47,723
We turn the corner,
my mother can't see us anymore.
888
00:37:47,807 --> 00:37:49,892
My dad had a duffel bag.
889
00:37:49,976 --> 00:37:51,102
He drops it on the floor.
890
00:37:51,185 --> 00:37:52,478
He goes,
[gruff] "Unzip that."
891
00:37:54,021 --> 00:37:57,233
[normal] I unzip it.
Five Mountain Dews.
892
00:37:57,316 --> 00:37:59,151
-[audience laughing]
-Yep.
893
00:37:59,235 --> 00:38:02,363
The crystal meth
crack-cocaine of sodas.
894
00:38:02,446 --> 00:38:05,449
My dad's got five tall boys right there.
895
00:38:07,493 --> 00:38:09,203
He goes,
[gruff] "Happy birthday."
896
00:38:09,870 --> 00:38:12,290
[normal] I was like, "My birthday's
not for another five months."
897
00:38:12,373 --> 00:38:13,582
He was like,
[gruff] "Yeah, I know,"
898
00:38:13,666 --> 00:38:14,792
[normal]
but I knew he didn't know.
899
00:38:14,875 --> 00:38:18,879
So, I'm just guzzling these things.
900
00:38:18,963 --> 00:38:22,049
I had five Mountain Dews,
tall boys, to the head.
901
00:38:22,133 --> 00:38:23,968
By the time
we walked into that stadium,
902
00:38:24,051 --> 00:38:27,179
I was wrecked, okay?
903
00:38:27,263 --> 00:38:30,099
No shirt on.
I had taken my shirt off on the train.
904
00:38:30,182 --> 00:38:32,852
I was dripping sweat.
My eyes were bugged out.
905
00:38:32,935 --> 00:38:35,062
I felt like Hunter Biden, just...
906
00:38:35,146 --> 00:38:36,147
[audience laughing]
907
00:38:36,230 --> 00:38:38,149
I felt like HB, baby.
908
00:38:38,232 --> 00:38:39,859
[people cheering and clapping]
909
00:38:39,942 --> 00:38:42,069
Hey, I was nuts.
Cracked out.
910
00:38:43,612 --> 00:38:44,613
So...
911
00:38:46,157 --> 00:38:48,576
So, we get to our seats.
They're in the upper, upper deck, right?
912
00:38:48,659 --> 00:38:51,162
I mean, I don't care, I just wanna be
in the building with my father.
913
00:38:51,245 --> 00:38:53,039
And my dad's characters are up there.
His boys, right?
914
00:38:53,122 --> 00:38:55,458
He's got Bobby Pets, is up there.
915
00:38:55,541 --> 00:38:57,752
He was like an old-old-school
Brooklyn guy,
916
00:38:57,835 --> 00:39:00,254
he used to smuggle animals
into the neighborhood.
917
00:39:00,338 --> 00:39:03,341
He had, like, a penguin,
he had a koala bear.
918
00:39:03,424 --> 00:39:06,218
He-- I swear, he would just
get them off the backs of trucks.
919
00:39:06,302 --> 00:39:08,429
This game, he smuggled in a live ferret.
920
00:39:08,512 --> 00:39:11,015
He had a live ferret
in the game. [laughs]
921
00:39:11,098 --> 00:39:14,226
And he had trained it
to bite opposing teams' fans,
922
00:39:14,310 --> 00:39:15,644
to bite an ankle,
and he'd be like,
923
00:39:15,728 --> 00:39:18,272
[Brooklyn accent] "Ah, New York City rats,
what can ya do?
924
00:39:18,356 --> 00:39:20,358
Maybe go back
to where you came from!"
925
00:39:21,984 --> 00:39:25,404
[normal] So, Charlene,
he had his friend Charlene there.
926
00:39:25,488 --> 00:39:27,782
This lady was just,
you know, 65 years old,
927
00:39:27,865 --> 00:39:31,160
never wore a bra,
just saggiest boobs you ever--
928
00:39:31,243 --> 00:39:33,204
It's like the first boob I ever saw.
929
00:39:33,287 --> 00:39:35,081
Like, to the point where,
like, her boobs were so low,
930
00:39:35,164 --> 00:39:38,084
like, I just thought girls' nipples
were on their kneecaps.
931
00:39:38,167 --> 00:39:40,002
-[audience laughing]
-I had never seen anything else--
932
00:39:40,086 --> 00:39:42,838
When I, when I got older, a girl was--
We were making out,
933
00:39:42,922 --> 00:39:45,800
she's like, "You wanna suck my tits?"
I was like, "Take off your pants.
934
00:39:45,883 --> 00:39:47,426
[audience laughing]
935
00:39:47,510 --> 00:39:49,387
Let me see those 'kneeples.'"
936
00:39:49,470 --> 00:39:51,722
-And--
-[laughter]
937
00:39:51,806 --> 00:39:54,141
[chuckles]
And... she would just chain-smoke.
938
00:39:54,225 --> 00:39:57,937
[raspy voice] "Christopher, you can
touch my breasts. I can't feel it."
939
00:39:58,020 --> 00:40:00,022
-And--
-[audience laughing]
940
00:40:00,106 --> 00:40:01,482
[normal]
She's Brittany in 30 years.
941
00:40:01,565 --> 00:40:02,817
-And--
-[audience laughing]
942
00:40:02,900 --> 00:40:04,944
-That's, that's what it is.
-[cheering and applause]
943
00:40:05,027 --> 00:40:06,278
[raspy voice]
"Yes."
944
00:40:06,362 --> 00:40:07,363
[normal]
So...
945
00:40:07,446 --> 00:40:09,865
So, we're having fun, right?
946
00:40:09,949 --> 00:40:13,744
And I'm sitting there, enjoying myself,
drinking Mountain Dews, eating hot dogs
947
00:40:13,828 --> 00:40:15,413
because my mother would
never let me have that.
948
00:40:15,496 --> 00:40:16,956
Nitrates?
No way.
949
00:40:17,039 --> 00:40:18,207
But my dad, there are no rules.
950
00:40:18,290 --> 00:40:20,459
I was just throwing 'em back
like a pelican.
951
00:40:20,543 --> 00:40:22,962
No, no gag reflex.
Ahh!
952
00:40:23,045 --> 00:40:26,674
You know, just... [babbles]
eating it, loving it, right?
953
00:40:26,757 --> 00:40:28,426
Having the time of my life.
954
00:40:28,509 --> 00:40:30,302
But then, the third inning comes, okay?
955
00:40:30,386 --> 00:40:32,012
And listen, I'm a mama's boy.
956
00:40:32,096 --> 00:40:34,890
I listen to her.
So, I knew it was time, right?
957
00:40:34,974 --> 00:40:37,893
So, I get up, put my shirt back on,
958
00:40:37,977 --> 00:40:40,396
taking the hot dogs
outta my mouth,
959
00:40:40,479 --> 00:40:43,190
slowly taking my hand
off Charlene's boob.
960
00:40:43,274 --> 00:40:44,692
[laughter]
961
00:40:44,775 --> 00:40:47,820
And I get up, and my dad's like,
[gruff] "What are you doing?"
962
00:40:47,903 --> 00:40:49,530
[normal] I was like,
"Oh, oh, it's the third inning.
963
00:40:49,613 --> 00:40:50,948
Mom says we gotta leave."
964
00:40:51,031 --> 00:40:53,492
He was like, [gruff]
"She don't make the rules. I do."
965
00:40:53,576 --> 00:40:57,121
[normal] I was like,
"Um, the judge says she does.
966
00:40:57,204 --> 00:40:58,622
[audience laughing]
967
00:40:58,706 --> 00:41:01,292
"I was there in court
when the judge said,
968
00:41:01,375 --> 00:41:04,795
'You're a convicted felon,
and she makes the rules.'"
969
00:41:04,879 --> 00:41:05,963
[laughter]
970
00:41:07,965 --> 00:41:11,051
He was like, [gruff] "Sit down.
We ain't going nowhere."
971
00:41:11,135 --> 00:41:12,344
[normal] Because here's the thing.
If you know--
972
00:41:12,428 --> 00:41:15,014
I know you know baseball, Coach.
If you know baseball, you know.
973
00:41:15,097 --> 00:41:17,475
But if you don't know baseball,
a no-hitter
974
00:41:17,558 --> 00:41:19,852
is, like, the rarest thing
to happen in the game.
975
00:41:19,935 --> 00:41:21,729
It almost never happens.
976
00:41:21,812 --> 00:41:24,356
It's even more rare you would be
at an active no-hitter
977
00:41:24,440 --> 00:41:26,108
watching this thing live.
978
00:41:26,192 --> 00:41:29,445
Well, this was May 1996, 'kay?
Yankee Stadium.
979
00:41:29,528 --> 00:41:31,614
New York Yankees
versus the Seattle Mariners.
980
00:41:31,697 --> 00:41:34,992
It was Doc Gooden,
Dwight Gooden's historic no-hitter.
981
00:41:35,075 --> 00:41:37,995
If you don't know the game, go home,
Google it, you'll see me in the crowd.
982
00:41:38,078 --> 00:41:42,124
It was a night that was gonna
go down in history, okay?
983
00:41:42,208 --> 00:41:43,542
But history hadn't been made yet.
984
00:41:43,626 --> 00:41:46,420
It was the third inning
of a nine-inning baseball game,
985
00:41:46,504 --> 00:41:47,630
but my dad knew.
986
00:41:47,713 --> 00:41:49,590
My dad's like, [gruff]
"Chrissy, I feel something.
987
00:41:49,673 --> 00:41:51,050
I feel something big's gonna happen."
988
00:41:51,133 --> 00:41:52,635
[normal] I was like,
"I feel something too.
989
00:41:52,718 --> 00:41:55,971
"I think it's my organs
shutting down from the soda. I--
990
00:41:56,055 --> 00:41:58,265
I think we, we over Dew-ed it."
991
00:42:00,601 --> 00:42:02,937
Because my mom
said 9 o'clock, okay?
992
00:42:03,020 --> 00:42:04,480
It was already, like, 8:30,
993
00:42:04,563 --> 00:42:07,274
so we had to leave right then and there
to get home on time.
994
00:42:07,358 --> 00:42:09,026
But my dad goes,
"Listen, as soon as the other team
995
00:42:09,109 --> 00:42:10,736
"gets a hit, Chrissy,
we're outta here.
996
00:42:10,819 --> 00:42:13,072
"We're outta here, I'll go home,
I'll explain everything.
997
00:42:13,155 --> 00:42:14,448
Don't worry about it.
Just have fun."
998
00:42:14,532 --> 00:42:16,951
I was like, "Okay, great."
So, y-you know, I don't care.
999
00:42:17,034 --> 00:42:18,244
Whatever, I'm 12 years old.
1000
00:42:18,327 --> 00:42:19,662
Each inning is going by.
1001
00:42:19,745 --> 00:42:23,499
No hits, no hits, sodas,
hot dogs, having fun.
1002
00:42:23,582 --> 00:42:28,254
By the time the seventh inning comes,
it is pandemonium in that stadium.
1003
00:42:28,337 --> 00:42:31,298
Every single person knows
we are this close to history.
1004
00:42:31,382 --> 00:42:33,259
I was, I was motorboating Charlene.
1005
00:42:33,342 --> 00:42:34,885
-I--
-[audience laughing]
1006
00:42:34,969 --> 00:42:37,638
I was throwing her boobs
over my shoulder
1007
00:42:37,721 --> 00:42:39,598
like a continental soldier.
1008
00:42:39,682 --> 00:42:41,308
-[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]
1009
00:42:41,976 --> 00:42:43,227
I couldn't believe it.
1010
00:42:45,437 --> 00:42:47,940
Okay, it was also 10:30 at night.
1011
00:42:48,023 --> 00:42:50,401
So, we're an hour and a half late.
1012
00:42:50,484 --> 00:42:51,777
So, but who cares, right?
1013
00:42:51,860 --> 00:42:54,446
It doesn't matter.
The wheels have fallen off.
1014
00:42:54,530 --> 00:42:56,949
There's no cell phones.
It's 1996.
1015
00:42:57,032 --> 00:43:00,119
So, my dad goes, [gruff] "We gotta get you
better seats, Chrissy, right?"
1016
00:43:00,202 --> 00:43:02,663
He's like, "Why do-- You can't
watch the game up here with these idiots.
1017
00:43:02,746 --> 00:43:04,039
Let's go get better seats."
1018
00:43:04,123 --> 00:43:07,293
[normal] I was like, "Yeah. Let--
Yes, whatever you wanna do.
1019
00:43:07,376 --> 00:43:09,461
You tell me what to do,
I'll follow you anywhere."
1020
00:43:09,545 --> 00:43:11,714
He goes, "Just do what I tell you to do."
I was like, "Alright."
1021
00:43:11,797 --> 00:43:14,341
So, I thought
he's gonna tell me what we're gonna do
1022
00:43:14,425 --> 00:43:16,427
as we're walking down there,
but he didn't.
1023
00:43:16,510 --> 00:43:17,970
Didn't say that at all.
1024
00:43:18,053 --> 00:43:21,473
And maybe he did,
but I was, I was on too much Dew, so.
1025
00:43:21,557 --> 00:43:22,933
-[audience laughing]
-I was Dew-ed out.
1026
00:43:23,017 --> 00:43:25,311
I needed, like, Narcan
at that point, so.
1027
00:43:25,394 --> 00:43:27,354
-[audience laughing]
-[Chris chuckles]
1028
00:43:28,230 --> 00:43:30,691
So, we get down
behind home plate, right?
1029
00:43:30,774 --> 00:43:33,569
And my dad sees two empty seats
right behind home plate.
1030
00:43:33,652 --> 00:43:36,113
These are big-money seats,
like $500 seats.
1031
00:43:36,196 --> 00:43:39,658
So, there's a security guard there
guarding the seats, obviously.
1032
00:43:39,742 --> 00:43:41,452
And so, my dad goes up
to the guard, he goes,
1033
00:43:41,535 --> 00:43:43,704
[gruff voice] "Hey,
can me and my son sit in those seats?
1034
00:43:43,787 --> 00:43:45,331
I mean, Doc Gooden's
gonna pitch a no-hitter."
1035
00:43:45,414 --> 00:43:46,749
[normal]
He goes, "No, you need tickets."
1036
00:43:46,832 --> 00:43:48,792
My dad's like, "Come on,
let-let us just sit in the seats."
1037
00:43:48,876 --> 00:43:52,504
He goes, "Either show me the tickets,
or go back to your seats,
1038
00:43:52,588 --> 00:43:54,214
"or get escorted out the stadium.
1039
00:43:54,298 --> 00:43:56,425
You are not sitting in those seats."
1040
00:43:56,508 --> 00:43:58,636
And my dad looks at me,
he goes, [gruff] "You ready?"
1041
00:43:58,719 --> 00:44:00,304
[normal]
I was like, "Okay.
1042
00:44:00,387 --> 00:44:04,516
You did-- You forgot to tell me
what to do, but whatever."
1043
00:44:04,600 --> 00:44:08,437
He says, "So, you're not gonna let us in?"
And the guy goes, "Absolutely not."
1044
00:44:08,520 --> 00:44:11,273
He was like, "Ah, alright.
You know, it's just unfortunate
1045
00:44:11,357 --> 00:44:14,026
because my son has special needs."
1046
00:44:15,444 --> 00:44:18,530
And that was the first time
I was hearing that, you know? I--
1047
00:44:18,614 --> 00:44:20,658
-[audience laughing]
-I'm a kid, I, I was like,
1048
00:44:20,741 --> 00:44:23,369
"Uh, do I? What?
1049
00:44:23,452 --> 00:44:25,788
I don't? I don't, right? This is a bit?"
1050
00:44:25,871 --> 00:44:29,291
He goes, "My son has special needs."
1051
00:44:29,375 --> 00:44:32,836
And then, the security guard,
who had just emphatically said no,
1052
00:44:32,920 --> 00:44:35,172
for the first time,
looks at me and he goes,
1053
00:44:35,255 --> 00:44:38,425
"Oh, k-- Yes, sir, I am so sorry.
1054
00:44:38,509 --> 00:44:40,469
"You should have told me.
I apologize.
1055
00:44:40,552 --> 00:44:43,681
You two can sit wherever you like.
Have fun, little buddy."
1056
00:44:43,764 --> 00:44:47,017
So now, we're walking
down the stairs to these seats,
1057
00:44:47,101 --> 00:44:49,228
and I'm thinking, "Am I retarded?"
1058
00:44:49,311 --> 00:44:51,313
[laughter and applause]
1059
00:44:54,733 --> 00:44:57,069
I was in shock.
I had my mouth open.
1060
00:44:57,152 --> 00:44:59,029
My dad's like, [gruff]
"The drool, that's good!
1061
00:44:59,113 --> 00:45:00,864
Sell it with the drool, Chrissy!"
1062
00:45:00,948 --> 00:45:02,116
[laughter and clapping]
1063
00:45:02,241 --> 00:45:03,450
Whoa!
1064
00:45:04,743 --> 00:45:07,871
We're walking,
we finally sit in the seats.
1065
00:45:07,955 --> 00:45:10,290
It's the eighth inning, it's 11 o'clock.
1066
00:45:11,792 --> 00:45:13,919
There's all big celebrities there.
It's New York City.
1067
00:45:14,002 --> 00:45:15,295
Out of the corner of my eye,
1068
00:45:15,379 --> 00:45:18,674
I see WWF Hall of Fame wrestler
Mr. Perfect.
1069
00:45:18,757 --> 00:45:21,427
I knew it was him.
I could see his scungilli blonde hair.
1070
00:45:21,510 --> 00:45:22,553
[laughter]
1071
00:45:22,636 --> 00:45:25,180
His steroid back pimples.
I coulda popped one.
1072
00:45:25,264 --> 00:45:27,725
[audience laughing]
1073
00:45:27,808 --> 00:45:29,226
-Just...
-[laughter]
1074
00:45:29,685 --> 00:45:30,894
So close.
1075
00:45:31,520 --> 00:45:32,896
And my dad doesn't know wrestling.
1076
00:45:32,980 --> 00:45:35,065
I said, "Dad, Dad, that's Mr. Perfect."
1077
00:45:35,149 --> 00:45:37,192
He was like, [gruff] "Who's that,
your mother's new boyfriend?"
1078
00:45:37,276 --> 00:45:39,987
-[audience laughing]
-[normal] I was like, get over it.
1079
00:45:41,613 --> 00:45:43,031
I was like, "Can I have his autograph?"
1080
00:45:43,115 --> 00:45:44,408
He was like, [gruff] "No problem."
1081
00:45:44,491 --> 00:45:46,744
He was like, "Hey, Perfect!
1082
00:45:46,827 --> 00:45:50,456
My son's a big fan.
You think he can get an autograph?"
1083
00:45:50,539 --> 00:45:53,167
[normal] Mr. Perfect goes,
"No, I'm watching the game."
1084
00:45:53,250 --> 00:45:55,586
Fair.
I thought, thought that was it.
1085
00:45:55,669 --> 00:45:57,588
My dad waits a beat and he goes,
1086
00:45:57,671 --> 00:46:00,174
[gruff]
"You know, it's just unfortunate
1087
00:46:00,257 --> 00:46:02,926
because my son has special needs."
1088
00:46:03,010 --> 00:46:05,637
[scattered applause]
1089
00:46:05,721 --> 00:46:10,184
[normal] Mr. Perfect turns around,
looks at me, and he goes,
1090
00:46:10,267 --> 00:46:14,229
"Kid, I-I'm noticing it now.
I am so sorry, sir.
1091
00:46:14,313 --> 00:46:16,565
"You should have told me.
I apologize.
1092
00:46:16,648 --> 00:46:18,275
Gimme your ticket,
I'll sign whatever you want."
1093
00:46:18,358 --> 00:46:19,568
I swear to God, I still have it.
1094
00:46:19,651 --> 00:46:23,197
He wrote, "Mr. Perfect.
It's all gonna be okay."
1095
00:46:23,280 --> 00:46:25,282
[cheering and applause]
1096
00:46:25,365 --> 00:46:27,159
-Just--
-[cheering continues]
1097
00:46:27,242 --> 00:46:30,120
I have the ticket.
I'll sell it. I'll sell it to you, sir.
1098
00:46:30,204 --> 00:46:32,122
[laughter]
1099
00:46:30,204 --> 00:46:32,122
[laughter]
1100
00:46:33,457 --> 00:46:35,667
Ninth inning comes, no-hitter.
1101
00:46:35,751 --> 00:46:38,587
It's crazy.
It's 11:45 at night, okay?
1102
00:46:38,670 --> 00:46:40,756
We are so late, it's insane.
1103
00:46:40,839 --> 00:46:42,883
But the stadium goes crazy, nuts.
1104
00:46:42,966 --> 00:46:45,719
It was, like, an unbelievable
event to be at.
1105
00:46:45,803 --> 00:46:47,471
And I think, well, that was fun.
1106
00:46:47,554 --> 00:46:49,056
My father's gonna take us
to the taxi stand,
1107
00:46:49,139 --> 00:46:51,850
we're gonna rush home
and he'll talk to my mom.
1108
00:46:51,934 --> 00:46:52,976
No.
1109
00:46:53,060 --> 00:46:55,604
-Takes me to a bar across the street.
-[audience laughing]
1110
00:46:55,687 --> 00:46:58,899
The whole stadium was filing
into this bar across the street.
1111
00:46:58,982 --> 00:47:00,943
We walk in there,
all his friends are in there.
1112
00:47:01,026 --> 00:47:02,402
They let me go up on the bar top.
1113
00:47:02,486 --> 00:47:05,447
I was drinking Mountain Dew
out of the soda gun, okay?
1114
00:47:05,531 --> 00:47:06,740
I was annihilated.
1115
00:47:06,824 --> 00:47:09,618
Charlene boofed the ferret.
It was...
1116
00:47:09,701 --> 00:47:12,371
Boofed it, fully, at some point.
Boop!
1117
00:47:12,454 --> 00:47:14,289
[audience laughing]
1118
00:47:14,998 --> 00:47:15,999
And...
1119
00:47:16,083 --> 00:47:17,584
[audience laughing]
1120
00:47:17,668 --> 00:47:20,295
[chuckles]
And so, and so...
1121
00:47:21,797 --> 00:47:23,048
You ready for this?
1122
00:47:23,131 --> 00:47:25,133
We're walking down
my mother's block,
1123
00:47:25,217 --> 00:47:30,013
4:30 in the morning,
on a school night!
1124
00:47:30,097 --> 00:47:32,683
4:30 in the morning!
1125
00:47:32,766 --> 00:47:35,018
My dad goes, "Chrissy, did you
have a good time tonight?"
1126
00:47:35,102 --> 00:47:36,770
I said, "Dad, let me tell you
something right now.
1127
00:47:36,854 --> 00:47:39,273
That was the best night
of my fuckin' life, okay?"
1128
00:47:39,356 --> 00:47:41,942
I said, "Charlene boofed a ferret.
1129
00:47:42,025 --> 00:47:44,820
I-- Unbelievable! I'm high!"
1130
00:47:46,196 --> 00:47:49,157
And he goes, [gruff] "Chrissy, me too.
100%, me too."
1131
00:47:49,241 --> 00:47:52,369
He was like,
"Now, here's the thing, okay?"
1132
00:47:52,452 --> 00:47:53,996
He was like, "First of all,
what do I tell you
1133
00:47:54,079 --> 00:47:56,498
"is the number-one rule of life
above all other rules of life?
1134
00:47:56,582 --> 00:47:57,958
What is number one?"
1135
00:47:58,041 --> 00:47:59,418
[normal]
I was like, "Don't be a rat."
1136
00:47:59,501 --> 00:48:02,004
He's like, [gruff]
"Exactly. That's my boy!
1137
00:48:02,087 --> 00:48:04,882
"Do not be a rat.
1138
00:48:04,965 --> 00:48:08,760
"Because your mother's gonna ask you,
did we leave in the third inning?
1139
00:48:08,844 --> 00:48:11,889
"You're gonna say, 'Yes, Mom,
we left in the third inning.
1140
00:48:11,972 --> 00:48:14,600
"'There were train delays.
What am I, an asshole?'
1141
00:48:14,683 --> 00:48:18,103
And she'll believe you, okay?
She always believes me."
1142
00:48:18,186 --> 00:48:20,647
[normal] I was like,
"No, she never believes you,
1143
00:48:20,731 --> 00:48:23,233
and I'm typically not allowed
to curse in front of my mom."
1144
00:48:23,317 --> 00:48:24,860
He was like, [gruff]
"Just do it, it's fine."
1145
00:48:24,943 --> 00:48:26,778
[normal]
Said, "Okay, whatever you want, Dad."
1146
00:48:26,862 --> 00:48:29,531
So, my father walks me up the stairs
to my mother's house,
1147
00:48:29,615 --> 00:48:31,742
rings her bell, runs away.
1148
00:48:31,825 --> 00:48:34,119
-[audience laughing]
-Just runs away!
1149
00:48:34,202 --> 00:48:38,749
Left a 12-year-old retarded boy
cold and alone.
1150
00:48:38,832 --> 00:48:40,417
[laughter and applause]
1151
00:48:40,500 --> 00:48:41,919
Just, I'm just like...
1152
00:48:43,378 --> 00:48:45,380
[laughter]
1153
00:48:46,381 --> 00:48:48,508
My mother opens the door.
1154
00:48:48,592 --> 00:48:50,427
She's like, [outraged]
"Where is your father?"
1155
00:48:50,510 --> 00:48:52,095
[normal] I was like,
"I haven't seen him."
1156
00:48:52,179 --> 00:48:54,181
[audience laughing]
1157
00:48:55,098 --> 00:48:56,850
She was like, [outraged]
"Where were you?"
1158
00:48:56,934 --> 00:48:58,936
[normal] I was like,
"We left in the third inning.
1159
00:48:59,019 --> 00:49:01,688
There were train delays.
What am I, an asshole?"
1160
00:49:01,772 --> 00:49:02,773
[laughter]
1161
00:49:02,856 --> 00:49:05,192
And I hear my father go,
"That's my boy!"
1162
00:49:05,275 --> 00:49:07,110
Guys, thank you so much, man.
1163
00:49:07,194 --> 00:49:09,237
-I appreciate it.
-[cheering and applause]
1164
00:49:09,321 --> 00:49:12,157
I know it was hot.
You guys did great.
1165
00:49:12,240 --> 00:49:14,660
{\an8}Jesus loves you, never forget that.
1166
00:49:14,743 --> 00:49:17,079
{\an8}Jesus loves you.
Thank you so much.
1167
00:49:17,162 --> 00:49:20,040
{\an8}Give it up for James Mattern,
yourselves.
1168
00:49:20,123 --> 00:49:21,917
{\an8}Thank you, guys.
Get home safe.
1169
00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:23,877
{\an8}Brittany, it was nice knowing ya.
1170
00:49:23,961 --> 00:49:25,253
{\an8}Bye-bye, thank you.
1171
00:49:25,337 --> 00:49:28,131
{\an8}-[cheering and applause]
-[♪ "Dancing To My Own Beat" playing]
1172
00:49:28,215 --> 00:49:33,512
{\an8}♪ See me dancing down the avenue,
there ain't nothing that...♪
1173
00:49:33,595 --> 00:49:35,472
{\an8}[crew member] Some good B-roll
we're getting talking about--
1174
00:49:35,555 --> 00:49:38,141
{\an8}Look at this.
This is what the special is.
1175
00:49:38,225 --> 00:49:39,935
{\an8}-[crew member] Was it good, baby?
-[Chris] I stayed on that fuckin' carpet.
1176
00:49:40,018 --> 00:49:41,812
{\an8}-You stayed on the carpet.
-[Chris] I stayed on that carpet.
1177
00:49:41,895 --> 00:49:43,063
{\an8}Please talk about
the carpet the whole time.
1178
00:49:43,146 --> 00:49:44,147
{\an8}-You asshole.
-Yeah, I will. I'll do it.
1179
00:49:44,231 --> 00:49:45,357
{\an8}Know what it is, it's chaos.
1180
00:49:45,440 --> 00:49:46,441
{\an8}-It's chaos.
-Yeah, it's great.
1181
00:49:46,525 --> 00:49:48,819
{\an8}I told them 'cause they got
video of-of Sal falling...
1182
00:49:48,902 --> 00:49:50,487
{\an8}-Did they?
-...I was like, if Hulu doesn't want it,
1183
00:49:50,570 --> 00:49:52,781
{\an8}-I want it for my own personal...
-Sal. [smacks kiss]
1184
00:49:52,864 --> 00:49:54,700
{\an8}[cheering and applause]
1185
00:49:54,783 --> 00:49:59,246
{\an8}Oh! Oh! Boo!
1186
00:49:59,329 --> 00:50:01,581
{\an8}[cheering and applause]
1187
00:50:01,665 --> 00:50:03,542
{\an8}Chris Distefano's No-Hitter!
1188
00:50:04,626 --> 00:50:07,421
{\an8}Berkowitz was saying, what about
calling the special Good Bunny?
1189
00:50:07,504 --> 00:50:10,007
{\an8}-[crew member] It's very good.
-I don't hate it.
1190
00:50:10,090 --> 00:50:11,675
{\an8}No-Hitter is actually not a bad name.
1191
00:50:11,758 --> 00:50:14,594
{\an8}I'm saying, no one has had
that format of a name, you know?
1192
00:50:14,678 --> 00:50:17,848
{\an8}Chris Distefano's No-Hitter.
[laughing]
1193
00:50:17,931 --> 00:50:19,850
{\an8}What if we call it Special Needs?
1194
00:50:19,933 --> 00:50:21,101
{\an8}[laughter]
1195
00:50:23,061 --> 00:50:27,232
{\an8}Chris Distefano's No-Hitter,
presented by Hulu.
1196
00:50:27,315 --> 00:50:29,860
{\an8}-[crew member] I like Mr. Perfect.
-You like Mr. Perfect?
1197
00:50:31,028 --> 00:50:33,530
{\an8}[crew member]
I like Words Louder Than Actions.
1198
00:50:33,613 --> 00:50:35,490
{\an8}I like that too,
it's just too wordy.
1199
00:50:35,574 --> 00:50:37,743
{\an8}Good Bunny I think is interesting
just because--
1200
00:50:37,826 --> 00:50:39,828
{\an8}but then it's like you have to know
it correlates to Bad Bunny.
1201
00:50:39,911 --> 00:50:41,788
{\an8}-It's a lot.
-[crew member] It steps on the joke, too.
1202
00:50:41,872 --> 00:50:43,373
{\an8}Yeah.
I should call it,
1203
00:50:43,457 --> 00:50:45,500
{\an8}"I prematurely sold my house
in Staten Island."
1204
00:50:45,584 --> 00:50:47,878
{\an8}[laughter]
1205
00:50:47,961 --> 00:50:51,757
{\an8}I should call it, "Please give me back
my house in Staten Island."
1206
00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:54,051
{\an8}I'm gonna call it, "The mortgage rate
is too high and I fucked up."
1207
00:50:54,134 --> 00:50:55,343
{\an8}Hey, how are you?
1208
00:50:55,427 --> 00:50:57,929
♪ Beat, dancing to my own ♪
1209
00:50:58,013 --> 00:50:59,931
♪ Dancing to my own beat ♪
1210
00:51:00,015 --> 00:51:02,059
♪ Dancing to my own ♪
1211
00:51:02,142 --> 00:51:03,935
♪ Dancing to my own beat ♪
1212
00:51:04,019 --> 00:51:05,854
♪ Dancing to my own ♪