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Give it up now for Jay Jurden!
Oh my God, thank you so much, New Orleans.
I'm so happy to be here.
So happy,
so happy, y'all, I have been traveling,
I've been going all over this country on this tour,
I've been going to little blue dots.
Now do you know what a blue dot is, New Orleans, Louisiana?
Okay, if you don't know, a blue dot,
it's a liberal city in a conservative state,
so imagine a fun place instead of a not so fun place.
It's just, think, a prostate, because...
what is America but a prostate?
And I believe that's a poem by Langston Hughes.
Okay, good, y'all are my type of crowd.
Now my favorite thing about blue dots is when you go, you meet the best person.
The person who is kind of backwoods, but also kind of progressive,
so they say stuff like, "Well, my gun is non-binary,
and it's also polyamorous, so both of y'all can get it."
And, y'all, that was my experience in Austin.
I went... I went to Austin, Texas,
then I went to Portland, Maine, I love Portland, Maine.
Y'all, it was so white, it was blinding.
When I went to Portland, Maine, I saw seven Black people,
and when I saw the seventh Black person, he said,
"Hey, stop counting us."
And I said, "Six and a half."
And then after that, y'all, I went to Vancouver, Canada,
not as a spy, as a refugee, I said, "Please, please."
No, so when I was in Vancouver, y'all, I'm pretty liberal,
but that place, whoo, too much, okay, a little too much.
When I was in Vancouver, Canada, a white man looked at me
and wished me a happy Chinese Lunar New Year.
You could just say you were late for Kwanzaa, my man, all right,
or early for Black History Month.
And then after Vancouver, y'all, I went to San Diego,
I went to San Diego for comedy, but I love the zoo,
I love zoos, I love zoos,
because I want to be this close to something that could kill me,
that's why I still tour in the South.
Now, when I went to San Diego Zoo, I said,
bring me to the most dangerous animal you got.
They instantly took me to... the koalas.
Now, koalas are dangerous, because koalas have...
Chlamydia.
Yes, sex ed is working, yes,
koalas have chlamydia, so this has made it to the zoo staff,
and so now zoo keepers, before they give a tour,
they say stuff like, "Yes, some wild populations of koalas do have chlamydia,
so as we agreed before this tour started, don't fuck 'em."
And then two people from my group left, so...
I got to see a koala, I got to see an echidna,
I love echidnas. Echidnas, they're monotremes,
they have fur, they lay eggs, the eggs hatch, they go to their mom for milk,
but echidnas never evolve nipples, they just sweat milk.
Yeah, like a kid from the Midwest,
they just sweat it, just 2%.
So, I got to see a koala, I got to see an echidna,
y'all, I got to meet a cheetah, I love cheetahs, fastest animal on land,
but here's something sad, cheetahs in zoos, they do not do well by themselves.
If you want a cheetah to thrive, you have to pair it with a second cheetah,
but we don't have enough cheetahs in America to do that anymore,
because Obama, so now...
That's what the news said,
so now, they pair cheetahs with dogs,
and not African dogs, regular-ass American dogs.
So, it's cheetah, golden retriever,
and you know, you know the first day that golden retriever was like,
"See, I told you I had Black friends."
You know the first day that golden retriever was like,
"Oh, I love the outfit, only y'all can pull off animal print,
by the way, how do you pronounce this beautiful African name, is it Che-Tah
Uh, is this second H a click or something?
Also, hey, can I ask you something, promise you won't get mad,
are you at this zoo on like a track scholarship?"
That was a test, New Orleans, I wanted to see just how racist y'all were,
and some of y'all passed.
Also, I love doing shows, I know who my target demographic is,
but are there any gay people here?
Okay, honestly, too many,
and that's not for me, that's for the Supreme Court.
Hey, no, ugh, I wrote that joke back when it was cute.
No, I, I love gay people. Gay men, are there gay men here?
Okay, y'all hear how the pitch didn't drop?
No, I love, I love gay men outside of comedy settings,
inside of comedy settings, not so much. Here's why.
Every time a gay guy sees another gay guy
on stage, he can only think five things,
I. Should. Be. Up. There.
And that's not what we're doing,
I do love gay men, I love gay men so much, I married one.
Don't clap, he's gay, not happy.
Now, a lot of people don't know this, New York City, if you're a man,
and you get married to another man,
you spend most of your wedding day
introducing gay men who live in New York City
to other gay men they have already slept with,
so, most of my wedding day, I was stuck saying stuff like,
"Well, Benjamin, uh, you know Todd,
Michael, you also know Todd,
Shane, I know you know Todd, I've seen the tape."
And then, and then my husband was like,
"Jay, do you know Todd," and I had to go, "Ooh... I do."
And then, I had to remind him, I said, "Nah, baby, we know Todd,"
and he was like, "Oh, that's Todd, I didn't recognize him standing up."
Okay, now, that joke lets me know who's fun. Right?
Did you hear what I said, I said, "my husband," I have a husband,
I don't have a partner, I don't have a partner
because we're not playing tennis, right?
Even though, sometimes, it sounds like it.
Okay, just so it's clear, that was a butt sex joke.
Yeah, yeah, straight people, y'all can do it too, yeah,
plot twist, she pegs him, yeah!
That's right, ladies, you look that fella in the eye, and you say,
"Happy U.S. Open," okay.
Whoa, y'all felt that, y'all felt what just happened,
half the straight guys in here went, "Oh, my God, that's so funny,"
the other half went, "Why'd my dick move?" And...
I talk about my husband too much.
I got an email about him a couple weeks ago, "Hey Jay, you are so funny.
You have such a great smile. Why are you married dot, dot, dot, to a man?
There are so many women in the world, you don't have to live like this,
God is healing and blessing every day, love, Barbara."
I'm not gonna fuck you, Barbara.
I'm not having sex with a mid-century name.
Barbara, you shouldn't be in my DMs,
you should be on The Golden Bachelor.
Barbara, listen, I'm a gay, you need Ben-Gay, there's a difference, Babs.
I brought up The Golden Bachelor, and I love the show,
it's proof you can find love or chlamydia at any age,
but it did make me mad, because in my mind's eye,
when I was casting The Golden Bachelorette,
I wanted her to be an old hoe,
I wanted a Jezebel, a floozy, a wanton woman,
I want the Golden Bachelorette to show up and go,
"Yeah, I'm 67, but this snapper still has some bite."
I wanted the Golden Bachelorette to go,
"Boys, who wants some silver cotton candy?"
Hey, relax, it tastes like a Werther's.
I wanted the Golden Bachelorette to say,
"This was your granddaddy's Vietnam."
Right? Just cutting through the underbrush, booby traps,
"John McCain, what are you doing here?"
Yeah, so people ask why me and my husband got married,
and we got married because we love each other,
also because monkey pox. If you don't know, so...
If you don't know, so monkey pox, it was a skin disease,
a lot of people were like, "It's not a gay disease,
it just hasn't found the right girl yet."
I was like, whatever you gotta tell yourself.
But no, I never caught monkey pox,
in fact, I got the monkey pox vaccine
early because the health department said,
"Sluts, to the front."
And remember, your boy's married, not boring,
so I got the monkey pox vaccine in the Bronx,
it was me and a bunch of other sissies on the 4 train.
Woo, my God, you should have seen this gathering of sodomites,
truly, something out of the pages of Leviticus.
I remember walking in that vaccination clinic,
I turned the corner, y'all, was a who's who of who blew who.
I remember walking in there,
and I was like, "Good to see you again. Good to see you again.
Man, what's up, Todd? Get up, come on, hey,
we're at the doctor's office, stop that."
Now, people ask me about my marriage 'cause I'm so open about a lot of stuff.
They go, "How do you make it work, how do you make it work?"
Our marriage is the same as anyone else's,
you make it work by splitting everything down the middle, 50-50.
I cook, he cleans, and we both cheat.
I'm kidding!
He doesn't. And I don't even cheat, I don't even cheat,
I just say I have "an errand to do," because that's the other guy's name.
Now, my husband hates that joke,
but my boyfriend, he loves it.
Okay, y'all are fun. Okay, so because y'all are fun,
I'll actually tell you hat we've
currently been doing in our relationship,
we've been together for a while, so currently, we are spicing it up,
we are involved in a little bit of cuck play,
a little bit of cuckoldry, do y'all know about this?
Have y'all heard about this? Are y'all watching this?
Are y'all watching people watch this? Do y'all know?
Is that outlawed? Can y'all watch it here?
If you don't know, so, if you don't know,
so, cuckoldry, that's when me and my husband, together, we like to watch
TV shows that did not cast me.
And...
Do you understand how strong I have to be
to sit next to my baby and say stuff like,
"Yeah, I told you Abbott Elementary was gonna be huge!"
Yeah, one of my friends works on that show,
she told me, "Jay, stop telling that joke,"
I told her, "Put me on the show!"
All right, that's how you get that joke out of my set, Janelle, okay.
Oh my gosh, y'all, listen,
y'all seem very fun, I know why y'all are fun,
it's because it's a bunch of straight
girls here. Straight girls make some noise.
You hear that? That's their mating cry.
Often heard in the streets of Nashville,
followed by a trail of light-up pink cowboy hats, a feathered boa,
and one girl at the end struggling, like,
"I don't know how I caught chlamydia this time."
And we're like, "Kelly, what did we say about koalas?"
And she's like, "I can't resist the
accent. Ooh, I thought it was a Hemsworth."
Now... Now, straight girls, y'all doing okay?
No, you're not!
Don't lie to me, you're not doing okay, and I know why.
It's because of something called the patriarchy.
Now, when I discovered the patriarchy last year, I got so upset,
I got so mad, I punched a hole in the wall.
I said, y'all are doing this to my girls?
Now, do y'all know about the patriarchy? If not, I'll mansplain.
So, the patriarchy has put men at the top of this system we call America,
and it has women doing things against their own self-interest.
Like last year, you remember when every girl thought they were required by law
to fuck ugly dudes. What?
What is the reasoning?
Do you know that being straight doesn't have to be a dare,
you can enjoy it?
Then y'all come up to me after the show and say stuff like,
"Well, Jay, just so you know, I happen to like my men a little ugly.
Right, babe?"
And this poor guy's like, "You hear that? she only said 'a little.'"
Y'all will brag to me about your ugly man,
"Well, Jake, just so you know, me and my ugly man, we're flying to Paris."
I'm like, yeah, he's gotta get back to Notre
Dame, those bells aren't gonna ring themselves.
Of course, I don't mean anyone here, every straight guy here is a 10,
if you don't believe me, I'll blow you on the way out. But seriously...
One of my friends, he's an old-school comedian, what's the word for that?
He's a misogynist, and he said,
he said, "Jay, these women date these ugly
men just so they can get their money."
And I was like, yeah, I know ugly men have money, I've been on a boat before.
This is the part of the joke where the girls look at their dates and go,
"He's not talking about you."
I am. I am, I am talking about your adult ugly ass.
Ladies, stop babying these ugly ass men.
You treat your ugly boyfriends like pugs.
You go "Look."
"I bought him a vest."
And the whole time he's up there like,
Now, we just laughed at ugly men together,
I believe that's called feminism, right?
Yeah, we committed a feminism right there.
Yeah, we can laugh at ugly men because ugly men still have proximity to power.
We can't laugh at ugly women because ugly women don't exist,
except for the one you're thinking of right now.
Okay, all right? Listen, and this is my ugly section,
now I want y'all to know something, I love ugly people.
I'm not a, I'm not a member of, but I'm an ally to
the UGLY, you ain't got no alibi community, right?
Listen, I love ugly people,
I think ugly people should get their own parking,
in the back, I'm trying to eat.
I think ugly people should get their own pride month.
When? October.
One time I did these jokes at a show,
and a woman stood up and said, "Hey, take it easy on us,
and I said, "Sit your ugly ass down."
No, no. No, yeah, I'm kidding, I had her escorted out, I do not play.
We check y'all before y'all come in,
but this is what I want, this is what I want,
what I want is for ugly people to band together,
form a community, and cancel me.
That's my goal, I want to be canceled.
Because as a male comedian, if you get
canceled in 2025, your career takes off, okay.
That's what I want, but do you understand
how hard it's gonna be to cancel this?
I'm Black, I'm queer, I'm left-handed, there are...
I got astigmatism, I don't see gender, because I can't see shit, but...
But, do you understand, if you want to cancel me,
you're gonna have to be a biracial lesbian, who is also trans,
and in a wheelchair, and even then, even then,
I'm gonna be like, yeah, but how much money do your parents make? Ha-ha!
And she's gonna say, "I'm adopted,"
and I get to go, okay, you win this round. Woo!
Just, just so y'all know, that was me rolling her, woo,
into affordable housing,
with a ramp, not off a cliff, right?
I'm not a monster, I have rules.
I will never make fun of anyone who currently has it worse than me,
politically, or socially, so per that logic,
I don't make fun of lesbians, because lesbians can fight.
Oh my god, have you ever been kicked by a pair of Doc Martens?
You make that mistake once. It is quite a heavy shoe.
Listen, I, I love lesbians, I do.
Okay, here's some queer history, New Orleans, did you know,
lesbians have actually created a platform
for so many queer performers over the years,
and by that, I mean, they probably built this stage.
Ah, that's what we call a well-constructed joke,
that is a union-approved joke.
Now, one time, I was doing a show in Brooklyn,
and the host wanted to bring up comedians in quirky ways,
and this is what the host said about the comic before me.
The host said, "This next comic is my favorite lesbian top."
And all I could think was, hmm, what's my favorite lesbian top?
My favorite lesbian top, probably bowling shirts.
Bowling shirts, camp counselor shirts, mechanic shirts,
any shirt with the name already on it, you ladies look very handsome in those.
Now, listen, listen, listen, I'm not making fun of lesbians
when I'm dressed like one. Y'all see this?
Some people, they go, "Jay, you're queer, you dress pretty straight."
No, this is lesbian chic, okay?
I'm gonna, everyone pay attention,
this is a life cycle of a piece of
lesbian clothing. A lesbian wears a shirt,
gay guy sees a lesbian in a shirt, gay guy starts to wear the shirt.
Now, the gay guy wears a shirt, straight guy sees the gay guy in the shirt,
straight guy starts to wear the shirt. Now, this straight guy,
he dies in the shirt,
his family mourns, they pack up his belongings, they gather his things,
they drop it off at a thrift shop where
lesbian buys the shirt!
It's a circle of dyke and it moves us all.
Now...
y'all are probably wondering,
Jay, how do you know so much about lesbians, who told?
I went to high school with a whole mess of them,
we had a spike in lesbian activities, Spike was one of their names.
And because of these wonderful daughters of Sappho,
we also had a lot of state basketball championships, yeah.
That's right, go Lady Mustangs.
I was so progressive, I'd be in the stands, I'd start some of the cheers.
I'd say stuff like, "LGBT, get back on defense!"
At one point,
at one point, I got too progressive, I looped around to being toxic.
I was like, "Number 5 stinks, I heard she's straight."
"Boo!
We don't want your kind.
Hey, hey, ho, ho, these heteros have got to go!
"Breeder, breeder."
You laugh, but it works, she missed a free throw.
And that little girl grew up to be Caitlin Clark.
No, stop it, I love Timothy Chalamet. Now...
I don't make fun of lesbians, check, I don't make fun of non-binary people,
because I don't like it when baristas spit in my coffee, right,
I can't make fun of non-binary people, y'all,
what if I want my bike fixed? Wat if I want to buy a record on vinyl?
What if I need an ugly tattoo?
What I'm saying is, they have a lot of jobs,
and listen, gender is fluid, but their assets are liquid.
I don't make them, but they/them's the rules.
Oh, wait, hold on,
doing a quick sweep for septum piercings, I'm good.
I don't want to be hit with a wallet chain after the show, right.
"Get over here." "I think Scorpion's a beautiful name."
"Finish them."
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, relax,
I can make that joke, my husband recently came out to me
as a little bit non-binary, he said, "Hey, baby,
I'm okay with using he/they pronouns,"
which means he usually feels like a boy,
unless there's a bug in the house. Now...
Full disclosure, he loves that joke,
they, not so much, but...
I'm learning, gender is tricky,
it happens with my straight male comedian peers,
they have to butch it up because it's a bunch of straight guys out here,
they'll be backstage, normal, and they'll
come out on stage and say stuff like,
"We need real men, bring back real men,"
and I always want to tell those comedians,
real men aren't on stage.
There's never been a real man on stage,
real men are on probation.
Real men are on heart medication.
Real men are on the couch, because mom is mad.
Real men are on boats, and not fun boats, shipping vessels.
Real men are on real boats, so fake men like all of us can eat real crab, okay.
Real men don't hunt drag queens, they hunt Dungeness.
This is a hard part when you talk about this stuff,
because I want to be progressive,
everyone should understand, being progressive,
it means that you're slowly but surely getting better,
and every now and then, you have a thought that's kind of progressive
and regressive at the same time.
Here's one.
I don't think you should be transphobic if you're old.
Right? Come on, you're a grandma with a mustache,
you understand gender is tricky,
your pronouns are me/ma, okay,
Okay, here's another one,
I don't think you should be transphobic if you're poor.
Is it a boy, is it a girl? Why do you
care? You identify as a Door Dasher, okay.
Of course, of course, progress also doesn't just affect gender,
it also affects size, like, okay,
I was hanging out with a group of all-male comedians,
I think when it's that many of us, it's called an allegation,
and so we, me and my co-defendants,
they were talking, they were yapping, men love to talk,
and so they were talking about women's bodies.
If you can believe it!
And so
one of my female comedian friends, that's allowed now,
one of my female comedian friends, she overheard,
she came over, she's a bigger girl, she
said, "Hey, I want y'all to know something,
even with all this body positivity bullshit, all of you men
are scared to date bigger girls."
And my straight progressive male comedian friend looked at her and said,
"Girl, I'll fuck your fat ass right now."
Ah!
He wasn't supposed to say it like that,
but technically, that's progress, okay.
That's progress! He's like, "Girl, won't you sit your big ass on my face."
We can laugh at an ass-eating joke, Ramadan is over, okay.
Eat up, habibi.
As you can tell, I'm trying to be a good person,
so I don't make fun of trans women,
because I'm not that famous of a Black comedian,
but here's what I want people to understand, I don't get it.
The people who were attacking these trans girlies
were some of the people I idolized growing up,
people who I thought were geniuses,
people like my man, Kid Rock.
You're telling me trans masculine icon Kid Rock doesn't...
Wait a second, wait a second, you're telling
me lesbian fashion guru Kid Rock doesn't...
You're telling me the final form of Jojo Siwa, Kid Rock...
If you don't know what happened, Kid Rock, he got mad at Bud Light,
why'd he get mad at Bud Light?
Bud Light gave one trans TikToker her own specialized can of beer,
everyone lost their minds,
and because we're serving drinks here tonight, let me just say this,
Bud Light cannot make you trans,
Bud Light cannot make you, maybe you, trans.
The only thing Bud Light can make you is bi in college a couple of times,
that's it, that's all,
that's all that drink has ever done is bring boys together.
Now me, me personally, I don't drink Bud Light,
not because it's too gay,
I don't drink Bud Light because it's not gay enough.
You know what I drink instead, cum, now that...
Straight from the tap. Now cum...
Honestly might do a keg stand later. When it comes to cum...
What's that, horchata, okay. Oh no.
Microplastics, they're in everything, okay.
Hey, hey, hey, I did not want to tell that dirty disgusting dick sucking joke,
that's not who I am, I'm a clean Christian comedian,
I'm available for birthdays and christenings,
but my manager and my agency, they saw the success of Hawk Tuah,
and they said, they said,
"Jay, please tell us you have a dick sucking joke," and I told them,
when you love what you do, you never work a day in your life.
Blow job, no. Blow passion, right.
Blow dream if you do it right.
A lot of people, they got mad at Hawk Tuah, they said,
"Oh, that's not classy, that's not classy."
I got mad at Hawk Tuah because her instructions were incomplete. She...
She said, you gotta hawk tuah, spit on that thing, and then she walked away.
Wait a minute, no, no, no, that's a couple more steps, okay.
All right, that's like someone giving you a recipe, and saying,
"Here's what you got to do, preheat the oven to 375."
I believe at some point, the meat has to go in,
but people, people got mad at her, people got mad at Hawk Tuah.
They said, "Oh, that's not classy, that's not classy."
Guess what? America ain't classy, that's America.
It's so America, that every 15 years in this country,
someone has to get famous for fellatio. Watch, I'll prove it.
Hawk Tuah, before her, Kim Kardashian,
before her, Paris Hilton, before her,
Monica Lewinsky, before her, Nancy Reagan,
before her, before her, Abraham Lincoln.
There's always...
Wait a second, my bad, y'all, I gotta reverse,
Abraham Lincoln, he got blown in the theater,
that's different, that's completely different.
Wait, wait, wait, is that a too soon on an 1860s joke?
I'm supposed to be nice to that sissy because he freed me?
Okay, all right.
I don't even like pennies that much.
This is what I want y'all to know, this is also my favorite part of the show
because I've been talking about sucking dick
and now all the straight men are like this...
Now listen, I love straight men, I love the fact y'all are here,
I uplift minority voices, so straight men, make some noise, that's enough.
They got so excited, they're like, "Follow me."
Listen, I love straight men, I've been on the road quite a lot,
I have a lot of fans who are the girlies and the gays,
so my girl fans, they bring their
husbands and their boyfriends to the show.
So on the road, on tour, I've been doing a lot of straight outreach,
usually at urinals, right?
That looks heavy, sir, you're gonna throw your back out.
Come on, that is clearly a team lift, look at it.
Laughing, laughing, laughing, doesn't always happen.
One time I got on stage, did a couple of my
gay jokes, a guy in the front row got up,
grumbled, "Didn't know it was gonna be a gay guy here," left the show.
And in my head I'm thinking, sir, what are you doing? This is New York City.
There are definitely more outside.
You need to stick with the evil you know.
That's like going to the beach and saying, man, I love the water,
but why didn't you tell me about all this damn sand?
Oh no, my son's playing in it, now he's gonna grow up to be sand.
Because what is sand, but gay dirt.
And by that, I mean highly malleable, slightly irritating,
and somehow always ends up in your husband's trunks.
Now, ladies, if your man laughed at that joke,
I'll see y'all at the beach.
No, I really have dedicated the last couple
of months to being nice to straight men.
I speak straight, unga bunga,
I downloaded a straight male meditation and wellness app,
it's called Bleacher Report, I've been on it every day.
I'm like, oh my god, who is Saquon? What?
Look at all this ass, goddamn, why did he leave New York?
No, here's the sad part y'all, I actually still love sports.
My gay friends, they hate it, I'll be like, "Oh let's go see the Knicks play."
They'll go, "Oh, here's Jay with this straight shit."
You know what they call me, they said I'm a bad gay.
I'm a bad gay because I like basketball,
I'm a bad gay because I know what an offensive rebound is.
If you don't know an offensive rebound,
that's when you hook up for the second time with a man
who keeps using the word "Oriental."
Did I have to do the hands? No.
I'm trying my best to be nice to them because I know their plight.
People go, "Jay, what do you mean you know their plight?"
I can empathize with straight men because I used to be straight.
Then I got better, yeah!
There's a vaccine for it. You know? That's right.
Vaccines don't cause autism, vaccines make your kids gay,
and by that, I mean that your child lived long enough to figure it out.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Because last week, I did that joke for what I can only describe
as a very pro polio crowd,
so honestly, between you and me, I'm just happy that joke still has legs.
Hey, hey, hey!
We can laugh, FDR ain't here, let it out.
Okay? You know who really hates that joke?
RFK Jr.
You know who really hates that joke, Aaron Rodgers.
Okay, okay, that's just for the straight boys.
Listen, I don't want to get too much into politics,
but I'll say this about RFK Jr.,
if your car sounded like that,
you wouldn't put it in charge of other cars.
He sounds like he's underwater on a roller coaster all the time.
That's insane.
He had a worm in his brain, it ate its way out.
Just what this country needs, another Kennedy with a hole in his head, okay.
Hey, hey, hey, listen,
I told that joke in Dallas, okay.
To be fair, I told it like this.
Ugh, I hate talking about politics, because I'm trying to be more nuanced,
I'm trying to understand people, right.
I understand some people, they got so economically anxious
that they made a decision. Was it Nazis? Okay, I'll talk about it.
Controversial stance, I don't like them.
Nazis, sadly, they're back.
But plot twist, they're Black?
Kanye, you rascal.
Now, if y'all don't know what's going on with Ye,
Kanye, he was a Nazi for a week,
and then he stopped, he talked to Adam Sandler,
he was like, "I didn't know I was hurting Bobby Boucher."
And then...
And then he doubled down and became a super mega Nazi,
he bought an all-black Klan robe, which you have to custom order,
because, if there's one color they hate...
If you would have told me my favorite rapper
from 2004 would end up being anti-Semitic,
I would have said, yeah, 50 Cent hates everybody.
This is a character I'm working on called Anti-Semitic 50 Cent.
Get ready, okay. Ready? Okay.
"Man, this weather's terrible. You know whose fault it is?
The J-j-j-j--" Okay, I wasn't...
Anti-Semitic 50 Cent hates JaRulesalem.
Okay, that can just stay here,
that don't have to go nowhere.
Kanye's going crazy, you got Elon Musk walking around... Ooooh.
Okay, this is what I can say about Elon Musk, okay, listen, everyone listen,
it's okay to be autistic.
You can blink.
It's not okay to look like that.
Whoa, oh my God,
you paid money to look like that? That's an after picture? Oooh.
Listen, Elon Musk, he has this superpower,
he's the only person I know who can turn me into a Republican from 2008.
Because every time I see him, I go,
"Oooh, get this goddamn African off my TV!
What's he doing in the White House, he wasn't even born here?
He's probably gonna bring one of his eight baby mamas."
Whenever I talk about politics, people go, "Oh,
Jay, do you ever regret anything you've said?"
Recently, I do regret one thing,
a couple months ago, I said something bad about Marjorie Taylor Greene,
I said she has slightly equine features.
Okay, maybe that's not...
What I actually said was she hates gay people
because we can do ketamine for fun,
and she still has to go to the vet to get a prescription.
Now...
No, don't, don't, no, that's not right.
That's not right, don't clap for that, no, no, no, no.
This is what I want y'all to know,
I have reflected, and my friends said, "Jay find one nice thing
to say about that lady," and I found it. Here's what I can say.
I think if Marjorie Taylor Greene works very hard, next spring,
she could win the Kentucky Derby. Now...
If that's too mean, I will apologize in person with a sugar cube.
Shh, stop, y'all, she scares easy.
Okay, y'all remember
when she brought that picture of Hunter Biden's dick to work, right?
I get it, I get it, I pay taxes, let me see that dick,
but don't, don't bring it to work,
you know what that means, that means she woke up one morning,
she took off her feed bag, she googled Hunter Biden's dick,
these are hoofs, dick,
printed it off, now she's trotting through Congress with the picture,
this is dressage, and she burst into a meeting
about how Americans can't pay rent or whatever,
and she's like, that's not important, "We gotta talk about this dick!"
And the rest of Congress said, "We wish
we could say to her, 'Marjorie, neeeeh.'"
Whoo, y'all.
No, no, no.
Y'all, please forgive me, I want some water, I'm a little horse.
They love that joke in Georgia, they love it.
I love telling that joke in the South,
I love the South, I'm from the South,
I love that I get to do this in the South.
I'm from Mississippi, now, before...
Thank you so much, that usually never happens,
but I'm so happy that I get to do this in Louisiana,
because if you don't know, Louisiana, that's what happens if Mississippi
takes French in high school.
And every time I come to Louisiana, my favorite thing is they go,
"We're so different," they'll be like, "Yeah, I'm so different, I'm Creole."
I'm like, "Yeah, I'm glad you brought up rape."
Oh, y'all don't have U.S. History?
Whenever I talk about Mississippi,
people get so invested, they go, "Oh, Jay, where are you from in Mississippi?"
And I tell them, I'm from Canton, Mississippi,
so technically, I am Cantonese, #stopAsianhate.
Now, as a Blasian, I do want to say,
I'm so proud of my community.
At one point in time, y'all, Canton, Mississippi
was the movie capital of Mississippi.
That means we shot four movies there.
We shot Mississippi Burning, A Time to Kill, My Dog Skip,
and Oh, Brother, Where Art Thou.
That means, if you ever saw a movie in the 90s
with a group of white men saying, "Get 'em." that's where I'm from.
I'm from, Get 'Em, Mississippi.
Now, I went to school in Mississippi. Yeah, we got those.
I went to school in Mississippi, and for college, I went to Ole Miss.
Now, Ole Miss became very hotty toddy,
Ole Miss became very popular because of a certain football movie,
- we all know the movie, y'all can say it. - The Blind Side.
The Blind Side. If you don't know The Blind Side,
it's this documentary about this rich family from Memphis
who kidnap this large African-American man
in the hopes that Sandra Bullock could get an Oscar.
And it worked out for the best, no one's mad, don't look it up.
So after Ole Miss, I went to University of Alabama
because I love being scared.
If you look at a map, Mississippi and Alabama are back-to-back, like,
"Nuh-uh, she's trash."
And you're like, "Girls, stop fighting, y'all have the same dad."
Now, when I was at the University of Alabama,
I was a graduate teaching assistant, I taught a very controversial subject,
I taught conversion therapy, don't worry, it was in the right direction,
straight to gay. Or as they called it,
"Introduction to theater for non-majors."
As a first-year teacher who teaches theater,
your job is to go, "You're gonna be an amazing actor."
"You, business school!"
So I love being in the South, but then, when you move to New York,
people have all these questions, they go,
"Oh, Jay, you must be happy to be out of the South.
The racism down there must be so pronounced."
And I always tell them, "Y'all pronounced it just fine up here!"
They'll say stuff like, "Oh, Jay, you must feel
so much more comfortable in New York City."
That's when I have to say, "Well, to tell you the truth, officer,
these handcuffs are a little snug."
So whenever I leave, whenever I left the South,
people said, "Oh, Jay, what do you miss? What do you miss? What do you miss?"
And y'all, I miss my family, I miss my niece, I love my niece.
But unfortunately, y'all, my niece loves Chick-fil-A.
Now, I don't want y'all to judge her,
she doesn't know any better, she's only seven, she is just a bigot.
But if you were to ask me, I'm gonna tell you straight up,
Chick-fil-A, that company is not getting any of my husband's dad's money.
In fact, you take me to Chick-fil-A, I'm gonna hold a protest.
And by hold a protest, I mean I'm gonna walk in, buy something,
get on their Wi-Fi, and watch gay porn.
And about halfway through, I'm gonna be like,
oh my God, that dude works at Chick-fil-A.
The title of the film, My Pleasure.
Oh, gross, that is not ranch.
You like that one? I can't even tell that joke on Sundays.
Here's the other thing, they say, Jay, what food do you miss?
I miss good old-fashioned Southern barbecue, that's what I miss.
What I don't miss is that recently, over the past five years,
every Southern barbecue place has gotten way too sexual with their name.
Now they're all named stuff like Big Daddy's
Meat Shack, or Lil Dicky's Smokehouse.
You walk in, open the menu, it's just full of double entendre.
It's just them saying stuff like, "Here at Big Daddy's Meat Shack,
we treat our meat right.
We let hickory and pecan edge our meat for 16 hours,
and then we serve it up to you wet with our three sauces,
regular, spicy, and on my tits, please."
Y'all, I just want a pulled pork sandwich,
Now, Pulled Pork, favorite gay bar in New York City,
but it's also an amazing sandwich.
Pulled pork comes from the pork butt,
but the pork butt isn't the pig's butt, it's the pig's shoulder.
But y'all are smart, so y'all know I love shoulder sex.
I have to come up with a vegetarian version of that joke,
because my husband has been flirting with vegetarianism,
so naturally, I have been flirting with other boys, so if you want...
if you want vegetarian pulled pork, use something called jackfruit.
Now, Jackfruit, second favorite gay bar in New York City, it is an amazing spot,
lower east side, really more of a queer space, they accept all types,
and that's what I love about the LGBBQ community.
It is so diverse, so vast, so open, so accepting, right?
Texas barbecue is different than Kansas City barbecue,
Kansas City barbecue is different than Memphis barbecue,
in the Carolinas, it's not even considered
barbecue, unless you do the whole hog.
Now Whole Hog is the last gay bar I'm gonna mention,
it's probably my favorite spot, it's up in Harlem, close to me,
they have a specialty drink called the Langston Huge,
and that joke is not just a callback,
it also lets me know who took an African-American study course. Right?
Because sometimes Black people hear that joke,
and they go, "Langston Hughes was gay? What?"
And I go, "You didn't hear me say poet?"
And then sometimes white people hear that joke, and they go, "Who?"
But I'm proud of y'all, y'all laughing. It's not even February.
Or June. Okay,
I want to play a game with y'all, because y'all have been so much fun.
This is what we're gonna do, and a lot of times, a lot of times, I say,
I don't want people to talk. This is the only chance y'all get to talk,
the rest of the night is about me.
So I'm gonna call out an age group, a generation, if you will.
If you identify with this generation, you get to make some noise,
so let's start with our most respected members, Baby Boomers, make some
Okay, on the count of three,
kill them. No, stop, sit down.
No, I don't want you dead, I just want property, okay.
I love Baby Boomers, I think y'all are the best... hypocrites.
They invented the pill, had all the sex, invented drugs, did all the drugs,
and the minute they turned 45, they're like,
"Actually, that's against the rules. Ha!
Good luck getting a yard."
Now, let's do my people. Millennials, make some noise.
Yeah, you hear that, that is what poverty sounds like.
Yeah, I love y'all, I'm in the same boat.
When I first moved to New York City,
one of my friends made $100,000 more than me.
Yeah, that's right, he made $80,000.
Another one of my friends...
People will say, we haven't made anything as Millennials,
we made some pretty cool stuff, we made emo rap.
If you don't know what emo rap is,
it's what happens when you have a Hot Topic next to a Footlocker.
Emo rap is...
How can I explain it? The chemical formula is Fallout Soulja Boy.
Emo rap is a bunch of young Black kids on stage
saying stuff like, "I got hoes, but it's too many."
It's just them saying things like, "I'd shoot you if guns weren't so loud,"
and then, and then they brag about the most mundane stuff.
They're always like, "Where I'm from, it's only one way out!"
I'm like, yeah, Brandon, that's how cul-de-sacs work.
Every emo rapper sounds like a baby,
but also sounds like a horny baby.
They just all sound like...
Balenciaga.
I also don't like emo rappers, because emo rappers have face tattoos,
and I don't like face tattoos.
Not because of what they represent, but because of what they do to me.
All around, so progressive, love is love,
gender is fluid, sexuality is a spectrum,
do whatever you want to do, but the minute I see a face tattoo,
I instantly turn into a Baby Boomer.
The minute I see a face tattoo, it's just...
Get a job.
Pull up your pants, drink some milk from a cow,
put on some stockings, help me attach this PDF.
Oh, by the way, the president is a good man,
he's doing his best, goddamnit, now call me for a brisk walk around the mall.
Have you pooped today?
I haven't had a good bowel movement in weeks.
oh, don't be alarmed, but me and your mama,
we're trying something new in the bedroom.
Ever since you moved out, we turned your room into a playroom for adults.
Yeah, we bought a Hitachi Magic Wand.
Hitachi, I used to think that's when the
Japanese food was cooked in front of you.
But me and your mama, we've been having quite a time,
last night we had to put a towel down."
Hey, that's a joke about your mom squirting,
and just so we're clear, how do we feel about older women squirting?
No! They could slip and fall. Is that what you want?
Is that what you need? You wanna make this phone call?
"Yeah, I found Mom.
Okay, good news, good news, she looks peaceful. Um...
The bad news is, it's stuck, yeah,
it's a real Sword in the Stone situation over here.
Some of y'all are gonna go home and have to
look at her in the eye after hearing this.
I make fun of older people, but I am getting older.
You know how I know? I'm starting to look very good in a robe.
Yeah, that robe is starting to feel appropriate.
When my nephew wears a robe, I go, look at you, you think you're a grown-up.
When I wear a robe, kids in neighborhoods say, "We're sorry,
we will keep the music down, Mr. Jurden, we understand."
I'm like, yeah, that's a lot of commotion,
y'all are keeping up this evening,
I'm about to draw my bath and have my supper,
and y'all are out here with the boom-de-boom.
Oh, my, I'm so happy, I know about the boom-de-boom.
Okay, God, thank God, so if you don't know the boom-de-boom,
it's this audio phenomenon prevalent in African-American older people.
So what happens is, the older you get, you can't hear higher frequencies.
So when they hear a rap song, they don't hear lyrics, they just hear the bass,
they hear the boom-de-boom.
It happened to my mom earlier than I would have liked.
So I was going to high school, I was finally
on the front seat, riding with my mom,
I said, "Mom, I'm 15 now, can we please listen to rap in the morning?"
She said, "Nah, it's way too early for the boom-de-boom."
I said, "Well, what are we gonna listen to?"
She said, "As a family, we are going to listen to very sensual R&B."
Have you ever had to be 15 next to your mom
as she squirms to Maxwell?
You don't have pretty wings, Margaret, he's not singing about you.
Oh, y'all, I feel terrible, I forgot about one group,
I forgot about Gen-X. Gen-X, any Gen-Xers here?
Okay, hell yeah.
I love y'all, I have a question.
why were y'all so easy to molest? what was happening?
I like the fact they still laugh because they have lead paint in their systems.
No, if you were molested as a Gen-Xer,
you just weren't cute. Okay.
Finally, let's do my new favorite group, Gen-Z?
Okay, yeah, I'm proud of you.
Outside?
Right?
Making eye contact, that's a big deal.
I'm gonna make you make a phone call next. They hate that.
No, I love Gen-Z, I love Gen-Z, I love Gen-Z because Gen-Z is so intense.
Every time two Gen-Zers meet on the street, this is what it sounds like.
"Oh, my God, you're stunning, you're a diva, you're a model,
you're a goddess, you're a legend, you're an icon.
What's his name? You're too good for him.
Did you know all of this is stolen land? Anyway.
I just saw a TikTok that let me know I might be autistic.
Or it was an ad for clothes, I do not know.
But what I do know is that one day you're gonna see me on the big screen,
slay, mama."
And y'all, that is just the straight boys.
Woo! They are painting their fingernails, my God.
When I see these young Gen-Z straight boys
being able to paint their fingernails,
dress how they want to dress, live authentically,
I just want to walk up to them with a
smile on my face, outstretch arms and say,
"Faggot."
I've been in this state too long.
Oh, sad part is,
some straight men in here, that's gonna be your favorite joke of the show.
They're gonna go home and be like, "Oh, when that faggot said faggot,
go off, sis."
Oh, that word is so scary to some people, but I think it's funny.
It's a funny word in context and with rules.
Applied within the rules, it's very funny, okay,
and I'm gonna tell y'all the rules.
I shouldn't even tell y'all the rules,
because we only talk about it at the meetings,
but no, but there are a couple of rules when it comes to dropping a pink f-bomb,
so here are two rules when it comes to the word faggot.
Number one, dykes can say faggot,
because the faggot just said dyke.
I believe that's math. Um...
I think they call it the transitive property,
also transitive genders, they can say it too.
Here's the second rule for the boys.
Men, you have to think about it like this,
the law of equivalent exchange.
The word faggot can come out of your mouth
as many times as a faggot has gone in it, so...
So, if you were in a frat, you can say it.
I think faggot is scary only when it's tied to homophobia,
and homophobia is never funny.
Except for these next three jokes.
Okay, so y'all, it's not funny, it's not funny, it's not funny,
homophobia is real, I recently had to deal with some homophobia
and by that I mean, I did not get my way.
I was walking in Harlem,
I'm gonna be honest, I was prancing in Harlem,
and I happened to prance across this church
and this church had a sign and the marquee said,
"gentrifying homos are ruining Harlem."
And all I could think is, "Oh my god,
that's a crazy way to say thank you for the new Trader Joe's."
What I want to say is, how about I gentrify
your mouth with my dick, how about that?
But I didn't, I behaved myself.
The other time I had to deal with homophobia, I was asking for it.
I was on Twitter, that's kind of where it's manufactured.
And so I was tweeting and a person saw one of my tweets and responded,
"Why do we care what you think, you're gay."
And I said, "Please don't tell my husband."
He didn't like that.
So then he responded, "I'm gonna shut you up, I know what you gay guys like."
And he sent me a picture of a rock hard dick.
Now, before I could type "Yummy," he replied, "By the way, that's not mine."
Wait a minute, hold on, hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on, hold on.
My heterosexual brother in Christ, are you...
Are you saving dicks that aren't yours on your phone
to send to me, after calling me gay?
Baby, I don't know how to tell you this, but you're an ally.
And sometimes when it comes to homophobia,
you think someone's homophobic, but they're
not, that's just how they be talking.
It happened with my Aunt Jackie. Now I
thought my Aunt Jackie didn't like gay people,
I don't know, she's a woman of a certain age,
I thought she wasn't comfortable with us.
So then I go to her one Christmas and I don't
bring the man who will become my husband,
she pulled me into the kitchen, she said,
"Hey Jay, I want you to know something,
at family gatherings like this, everyone is
welcome, and by everyone, I mean everyone.
Bring him next time."
So I brought my husband the next year,
they hit it off, now they're besties,
they're having a good time, a good kiki.
Now we have another problem, my Aunt has become too comfortable with the gays,
we have overcorrected.
When my Aunt sees a gay couple,
what I want her to say is, "Oh my gosh, they look so happy together."
What she says instead is,
"Ooh, I bet the big one be tearing the little one up."
Mm, I liked it better when we were going to hell, Jackie. I don't know.
I also love the fact that whenever I do these shows
and people get to laugh at all of my inner
thoughts, I feel so connected to y'all.
I feel so connected, in fact, that I'm going to tell y'all a secret
and this cannot leave this room, okay.
This is a secret I've only told thousands of other people, okay.
Stop. Okay, y'all, I'm not even gay.
I just want to be marketable, but I'm not straight,
I am queer, as in "everybody's hot,"
not gay as in "remind the teacher we have homework."
I am...
M'kay,
I'm bi because it is 2025 and women also make money,
so that's where I am financially and sexually.
Right, ladies, don't you want someone who can please you,
who also enjoys petty gossip, right?
I can hit you with the "ooh girl" and the "ooh girl."
Listen, I will eat pussy right now
if it's in the fridge and I don't feel like cooking.
Now, some people don't trust that, some people don't believe me,
but yes, I can have pussy every now and then as a treat, but here's the problem.
Because I'm bi, when I eat pussy, I eat pussy very gay,
on my stomach with my feet up, just...
The whole time I'm like, "Oh my gosh. is this from scratch? Wait.
Wait a second, wait a second, what'd you put in there?
Hold on, don't tell me, don't tell me,
cardamom?"
I told one of my friends I was bi,
he said, "Great, Jay, you're just coming out as horny?"
I was like, yeah.
I told another one of my friends I was bi and she said,
"But I showed you my titties."
And I said, "Yep, that's what did it. Great titties."
And yes, for the purpose of this joke, I am gonna say the word titties,
I'm not gonna say breast, I'm not a scientist.
I'm not gonna say tits, those sound sharp.
I want to say the fun word,
t-i-double-d-i-e-s, tiddies.
Think about it this way, breast,
occupational, tiddies, recreational, right.
Okay, go with me, go with me, go with me,
in my opinion, tiddies have never had cancer,
strictly a breast issue.
And if you have titty cancer,
then you also have an extremely unprofessional doctor,
just the kind of guy who walks in and goes,
"Let me see 'em."
"Yeah, you caught me, I'm a dentist."
I love to getting to share stuff with y'all.
I've been better about sharing things,
I finally got into therapy, I love my
therapist, she's a Black woman with locks,
so it's gonna work.
And I'm just so happy, y'all. She's truly the best.
One time she hit me with a "mm" and I was like, "Oh, that fixed it." Okay...
Okay, that's exactly what I needed.
So, y'all, she's been diagnosing me,
which that's what they get paid to do. This is what she told me.
She said, "Jay, I think you have a little bit of narcissism."
And I said, huh, I wasn't paying attention.
I got narcissism,
I also have a little bit of depression, not a lot, just a little.
Just enough to be very good at taking naps, you know.
A nap, that's when you medically want to be dead for a little bit, okay.
All right, if someone's laughing hard, check on them.
Okay, it's never who you think. You're loved, okay.
And finally, finally, I have anxiety.
My anxiety manifests itself primarily as insomnia,
so to combat that insomnia, I got a white noise machine,
but my husband doesn't like it when I call him that.
Okay, okay, people hear that joke,
any white husband, "How white is he?"
Cryptocurrency level white.
Yeah, He works in cryptocurrency, which is really fun,
because that means every week, he gets
to tell me if we still have an apartment.
He...
He's that level of white where he loves denim.
He's got all the jeans, he's got straight
leg jeans, boot cut jeans, recessive jeans,
he's got them all.
One time we went to a protest, we took different paths there
because I don't want to bring ants to a picnic, and so we went,
and there was this guy with a microphone and a speaker,
and he was saying stuff people need to hear.
He was saying stuff like, "White people
need to take ownership over being complicit
in systemic oppression in this country for over 300 years."
Then I looked at my husband and went, "And unload the dishwasher."
It's a baby step, but come on, we didn't watch The Help for nothing.
And here's the other thing that people ask me, they go, "Oh, Jay,
you married this white guy, you've been dating this white guy for so long,
do you feel like your Blackness has been affected?"
That's when I got to check them, I go, listen, I'm from Mississippi,
my mother and grandmother saw civil rights happen in real time,
I was born Black, I'm going to die Black,
because that's how I feel, most days.
And then some days, I'm like, "Ooh, baby,
we should get a birthday cake for the dog."
Not a joke.
Not a joke at all.
Here's the thing, whenever I'm telling these jokes,
sometimes I realize, "Oh, Jay,
you joke about the wrong stuff at the wrong time."
This is the right place to joke about certain things,
every now and then, I get a gig, and I go, Oh,
this is the wrong joke for the wrong place.
One time, y'all, I can't even make this up, I got hired to do a show
at a very Catholic college.
I don't know what tape they saw, but so they brought me in,
and before you do a show like that, they take you backstage,
and they go, "Hey, a couple things we want
you to avoid, this is a Catholic college."
So I go, great, I won't talk about y'all touching the kids.
I said, I got it, I got it, I said, hey, listen to me,
I can be just as quiet as y'all were.
I said, also, if I do bring it up, can you just move me to a different parish
like you always do?
But y'all, that was not it.
They said, "Jay, we are a Catholic college,
there's a couple things we want you to avoid.
Primarily, you can't promote birth control during the show,
it goes against one of the central tenets of Catholic faith,
don't bring it up."
I said, great, I won't bring it up, I won't bring it up.
Then I get on stage, and my comedy brain says,
"But wouldn't it be funny if you did bring it up?"
So I'm out there, and I've been halfway
through one of my sets, I go, "Oh, by the way,
backstage, y'all, they said I couldn't talk about condoms,
which is fine, because me and my boyfriend don't use them."
They have yet to invite me back.
And I thought Christianity was about forgiveness.
Sometimes the setting is wrong.
You know where they hate laughs?
The Smithsonian Museum for African American History and Culture.
They do not encourage the hee-hees and the ha-ha's in the Black History Museum.
So I went to the Black History Museum,
you should go before Trump closes it.
I went to the Black History Museum,
and I went with another Black comedian, just in case it was a trap, don't laugh.
They got us once.
So when you go to the Black History Museum...
Oh, because of slavery, yes, are you just realizing?
In Louisiana?
Will wonders ever cease?
So when you go to the Black History Museum,
you walk in, and you get on the elevator,
and the elevator goes down, and you as a museum patron
walk back up to represent the progress of Black people.
Here's how the museum goes.
It goes west coast of Africa,
and then it goes slavery, slavery, slavery,
Civil War, Reconstruction, Jim Crow, Civil Rights,
Flavor Flav, Obama.
And when I was there, I was like, oh my gosh,
I can't believe they have Flavor Flav's clock, what?
I thought the old lady dropped it in the ocean at the end.
So this is what happens. So I get to the museum,
I get on the elevator, I'm in the elevator with my friend
and another Black family,
and this Black family is so beautiful.
They have this little precious Black girl with them,
and she's smiling, she's so excited for the museum,
and I look at her and I go, "Whoo, that's gonna change."
So I'm just walking through the museum, little did I know, I would be changed.
Listen up, New Orleans.
I was walking through that museum, I got, so overwhelmed
with the imagery and the brutalization of people who look like me.
I got so mad, I got so sad, my neck got hot, my ears got hot,
and I did the only thing I know as a comedian.
I started to make a few jokes.
So here's what I did. Please tell me if this is okay.
I found a white couple,
and I just started following them.
And every time they went to an exhibit, I was right behind it.
As if to say, "You see what you did?"
They went to another exhibit, I'm right there, resting.
You see what you did?
They went to another exhibit, I'm behind them.
They finally turned around, they were like, we're European.
I was like, even worse.
And then they paid for my ticket.
And I'm always like, oh my god, Jay, why do you act this way?
And you know whose fault it is? It's not my fault, it's my mama's fault.
I get all of this from my mom.
My mom made one joke
at the most inappropriate time ever, my coming out.
So okay, okay, so picture, okay.
So it's 15 years ago, I'm coming out to my mom, I call my mama up.
I say, "Mom, first of all, happy birthday.
Secondly, some news, I think I like boys."
And she said," Jay, baby, do you think they'll like you?"
Girl, what? Hang on. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Run it back. We're not about to do this today, okay?
But that's when I knew she loved me.
Also, I hit the gym that week.
So a couple weeks go by, we go to the mall together,
we're shopping, she's getting perfume.
The perfume salesman is a gay man.
He's trying to sell her stuff, but he's also hitting on me.
My mom clocks this instantly.
He goes to the back, she turns to me, she goes,
"Jay, is he hitting on you?" I'm a good Southern boy, I can't lie to my mama.
I said, "Yes, ma'am."
She said, "Well, can you get us a discount?"
And that's good parenting, okay?
People also ask, Jay, what's it like going around the country,
doing all these silly ass gay and Black jokes?
And what they really want to know is, Jay, what's it like
to be a Black queer man in America?
And I'll tell you right now, this is what it's like to be
a Black queer man in America, okay?
As a Black queer man, what it means is that sometimes
all white women, when they see you, they grab their purse.
But then I have to grab mine.
At that point, I'm like, what are we doing?
Wait a minute.
Barbara? Girl.
I got your email. What's up? Oh my God.
Thank you so much, New Orleans.
Y'all have been amazing.
This has been a dream come true.
Thank you so much.